All right, there
needs to be a happier entry to offset all this depressing stuff lately, because in actuality life has been a
lot nicer than it's been sounding on here.
I will reiterate-- thoughts and emotions are very powerful, especially when focused on and repeated. This archive should be the first place where we actively focus on the brighter aspects of our life; this should continue to be our anchor of hope.
I know I keep saying that, and maybe the future tense is the problem. It feels like I'm saying "one day," when in actuality it
already is. This archive is such a source of light for me, when things get dark... it's such a source of light for
others. When I heard that, it was as if my entire heart lit up just the same. So I will continue to keep this archive as such. I have a responsibility to myself, to the System, and to every reader, to do so.
All right. First things first. Where have we been lately? That has two answers:
1. dealing with one heck of a
huge healing process, which is mostly physical this time, and
2. working on the League constantly.
I hope you notice how important that is. We've been doing
both. Somehow we are
actually balancing the two right now. There aren't week-long transition periods, or huge time losses, or lockouts. They are both happening simultaneously!
I didn't even realize that until now. It just became almost natural, all of a sudden, like no time was involved at all. For so long my heart was torn between headspace or leaguespace... and then, the next time I checked, there was no pain. There was no
gap. Just like Preludove said. Now it's this harmonious sort of unity, across the field, even
with the individuality and temporal integrity of both realms intact, and I actually can't remember what it was ever like to
not have that. That's amazing.
There is a
quote I just stumbled across that describes this perfectly.
"The second vision was of a book....it was opened at the half way mark and as I watched I saw that it was being pulled into two halves, strings stretchering and finally breaking to form two individual volumes.I am torn, I interpreted, as I thought. But from that tension - two books instead of one." Two books
from one, too, at least for us. Two seemingly separate books, yet bound at some deeper level of existence. No conflict.
You'd think I've have learned, by now, that being torn apart always precedes a rebuilding. Our whole history reflects that... heck, so do the Leagueworlds, now that I think about it. Which is why I need to share
them, too, and which is
why I needed to be torn so clearly-- they are JUST as important and revelatory as our own inner world is. They can inspire just as many people. And I was losing time and dedication for
both those 'books' by thinking they HAD to be held within the same binding. Not quite! So that's probably what happened to the stalling tension. I'm so glad. I just want to embrace everything now, all of it, and I
can, because I'm no longer tangled up trying to hold on to something that
needed to change. Sometimes breakage is a godsend. I can name several people who can prove that truth to me beyond a doubt... but most of them would be spoilers, haha.
Nevertheless, that split is vital. I learned that the hard way. You can only blur so many boundaries before things start to bleed.
So. Concerning that 'first book,'
Dream World is getting the most focus lately-- of course, because that world naturally branches out into every other one in its own way. I keep finding more and more connections, too, and that is making my heart swell with joy. It's completely fascinating.
Parnassus is second in line, as that world has some seriously heavy roots, possibly due to both Genesis and Delphi being utterly ignorant of the 4th wall in their own personal ways... and definitely due to what I keep learning about the foundations of that world in the first place. Again, now that I've stopped trying to 'control' the way that story flows, it's moving so much better. Yes, I tried way too hard to get it to 'sync' with mythology at one point, because I was convinced that was the best thing to do. It wasn't! I was only limiting the way their story could progress, and it turns out it has had its own agenda in mind for ages. So now it's progressing as it needs to, just shaking off the cobwebs first.
Everyone else is kind of on 'pause' right now simply because they don't need the development right now. Again, that's a nice feeling too: the realization that they
can 'unpause' at any time, that no one is stuck, and that 'forcing' anything does
not work. Sure, I can focus on a certain world's resonance and see if they
want to work, but that's strongly intuitive, and if it's not their time than I am not going to get anywhere by testing that!
Honestly the trickiest part of all this is just
pacing the work. There's SO much work to be done-- typecodes and etymology and species cataloging and just sheer
worldbuilding-- and since I can "feel" it as a whole somewhere beneath the surface, my instinct is to reach down and heave the whole gem out at once. I keep trying to do
all of it at once. Good luck with that, bro. You have to chip away the rock, bit by bit, to reveal this stunning crystal of imagination, otherwise you run the risk of damaging it... of only getting part of the whole. I have to take one project at a time, one part of it at a time, one step at a time. Focus, and breathe, and don't rush. Open up, trust,
believe, and let it happen, because it
will. It always does. So I'm learning patience, which is humbling. But it's teaching me a deeper gratitude, too, and a deeper joy.
Headspace is similar, and by extension, so is our shared physical life.
...To tie the two threads of this together, I saw a quote yesterday, on Tumblr, as I was browsing through some inspirational pages. It's from the movie
Her, which I've never seen but really need to.
"So, what's it like being married?"
"Well, it's hard, for sure. But there's something that feels so good about sharing your life with someone." And in the
background, as he spoke... there was the night sky, the ocean, the city.
Living with 70+ other people in this body is hard. Sometimes it's frightening, when other people front, and my own self just melts away into nothingness... but then blends seamlessly with theirs. And that happens when
League people drop in, too. Like I said a long time ago, I'll never forget that one day in elementary school, when Vezerai of all people fronted for a minute as I was in the mall... it is one of the clearest memories I have, period. It was such an existentially defining moment; it broke my mind and my heart both, just like his, and it opened my awareness to so, so much more. I have to thank him.
It requires patience. It requires selflessness of the purest sort, the non-sacrificial sort... did you know, I hadn't realized there was a difference between an offering and a sacrifice, until yesterday? I thought that everything I gave, had to be cut from my own bones. I thought I
couldn't give without bleeding, without pain. But there's a difference. There's a line, between self-sabotage, and self-giving. I can pour out the same amount of myself both ways, but it's going to feel totally different.
...That's in the book of
Hosea, you know. More League relevance.
"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." If you offer things as an empty ritual, as a cold obligation, you're not acting through the compassion and sincerity that your soul and the universe at large requires... that's the key. And, shockingly, that's what I've been missing. I was brought up to follow orders, to obey ordinances and dogmas, to be afraid of punishment, to act according to that moral paranoia.
That's not what this is about. And ironically, my 'mental disorder' has taught me that. Headspace... as a whole, it requires that same compassion just to
exist. That's what DID is, after all. It's a coping mechanism, but more than that, it's a saving grace. It's a source of
hope and survival where there otherwise may have been none. In order to live, we
broke. "I" became "we." And selfishness, separation, pride, stubbornness... it all suddenly ceased to be an option as well. Our plurality was a source of grace in and of itself. Is this making sense?
It's like marriage, in a way, in a strange way. It's many souls, joined as one, united in totality and yet individually complete. To be separate from each other is
impossible. I think about this a lot, how much of a beautifully vast source of
growth our System is, to me. How simply by being, it makes me a better man. How simply by
knowing these other souls share this one life, this one single community existence, I
want to be the best person I can be. I
want to be wise and prudent and self-loving and joyful. To know that your blood and bones, your skin and breath, are host to not just you but also to those you
love... how could you
not live according to that? To love each other, we must love ourselves. No exceptions, no shortcuts, no halfheartedness.
"And it's hard, for sure, but..." I cannot put it into words.
Lynne, Waldorf, Nienna, Christina, and I think Javier were all out in church yesterday evening, for a short time (and Xenophon was there as usual). But
Lynne... I don't know why she showed up, but she just flowed right into the main consciousness as naturally as if she had been born there, and then it was just her. Just her, completely. There were soon some protests at the back of the mind, angry resistance from the old girls, the ones who are different from us because they
demand separation and selfishness... but Lynne stayed. She asked,
why wasn't she allowed to stay out? Was it that frightening, for those other personae, to feel the legitimacy of her existence within the same space as them? Was it that jarring to realize that in the grand scheme of things we are
all dots of paint in the big picture-- that our fleeting identification as single drops faded entirely when the ocean made itself known? That's what happens, when people front in earnest. And I suppose that was indeed their fear. Jessica's constant shout--
"No; I'm the only one! Let me do what I want!" --echoes in direct denial of the rest of us, a conscious blindness. But it's losing its old strength. It can't stand, it can't remain, when admitting
"I'm not the only one" comes from a place of
love, not fear... from
joy, not sorrow. I'm repeating itself, but it deserves reiteration.
Lynne sat there and smiled and looked around at the soaring arches and windows, and the only thing that chased her out was the gut-deep obedience programming when the grandmother looked straight at us in confusion. We need to overpower that, to get enough of our own confidence to look right back, and smile, without feeling guilty about
being there to do so.
That's big goal #1.
Harmonize the inside and the outside. It's happening, bit by bit.
That's where the whole "healing process" bit comes in.
Let's start on the outside first.
There are a lot of changes happening in our life. It's exciting, but it's like a roller coaster. It feels as if we've been climbing for a while, reached the top and stayed there for a moment too long-- that numbness, that feeling of forgetting what it was like to move at all-- then suddenly, a shift. A split second of movement, of feeling gravity catch at you like a lover, and then we're rushing ahead to meet it. I don't know how fast it will get. Will it feel like freefalling? Will it feel like a rush of storm winds? Will it feel like flying? I wonder if that all depends on how we meet it. Will we hang on for dear life, or will we throw our hands in the air and enjoy these new moments of acceleration into the new?
We're not a top speed yet, heavens no, that's far ahead yet. We're just starting back out; we're still at the top of the hill, still tasting the promise on the air, feeling the first sparks of anticipation in our chests. We have time, but we can't forget where we are, because there's no getting off now.
First, our brother finally moved out of the house. He's been planning to for over a year and he is extremely excited over it. I'm very happy for him; this home atmosphere was taking a heavy toll on his emotional health and he wasn't staying here much anyway. So this is good! I haven't seen his new apartment yet but he's invited me to come over whenever I need to. That could indeed be a huge blessing for us in the future, too. Time will tell.
Second, our mother is moving back
in, or at least she claims to be. I have no clue. But that is forcing some
serious psychological healing on our part, which I've been discussing madly in therapy, and yet can't quite grasp or fully understand yet. We'll get to that in a moment.
Third, therapy itself is shifting. Our medical coverage is changing soon, so we will need to see a different therapist, after being with this one for over a year now. And on top of all that, our case manager is leaving her job, so we'll have someone new there too! I don't mind, of course-- I can easily roll with changes like that, and in a way it's fun to meet new therapists and get to know yourself all over again in the process-- but on top of all the other life changes, it had us raising our eyebrows. Whoa, things really are moving along.
Fourth, and perhaps most distressing, is the health aspect. You've probably guessed this already with the more pained entries lately. However, it has proven to be a blessing in its own right, not surprisingly. It's pushed me to take serious steps towards figuring out
why this is happening,
how we can heal it, et cetera, instead of thinking "well maybe we're just
supposed to suffer" and not doing anything to improve our well-being. That's a poisonous mindset, I've realized, and that's surprising. If the body is giving you an illness, or some other painful symptom,
there is a reason for it! When we were more strongly anchored in ourself, Spine held that job, and maybe she can tune back into it again (I hope)... but in recent times I've somehow thrown in the towel, making excuses, feeling
separate. Telling myself lies, cutting myself short, denying myself the health and happiness that everyone else deserved. Somehow I fell into this sad, tiny space of being
convinced that I was alone, spiritually, universally. Notice how that only happens when headspace falls by the wayside? When I push people away, I block my own soul,
our own soul. I blind myself to half of this heart. And then I thought of Leon, of how my intuition, my inner sight, had been blocked by a crystal-- by
my own hand-- and I realized that if there are any blocks in my energy system, if there are any illnesses and pains in this body, it is because I am
allowing that to happen. I am holding myself back. I am standing in the way of health because I feel unworthy of it. Javier would say that's a lie, Laurie would call it bullshit, and CZ would make me reconsider every self-hating thought I've ever had. I know they're right. I know we can be better. And that's where this has led me.
I have to thank these 'health crises' because they are spotlights. They are beacons showing me
what needs to be fixed, and by trusting my heart's intuition I can easily find out
how... as long as I
listen. That's tough, as long as the feeling of separation persists. That's why Xenophon is so blessed to be around. That's why the voices like Spice and Emmett and Fig are indispensable. They operate, they
exist, in a unity consciousness. So they listen, always, because they know better than this old ego does. And the instant I remember that
I am, in light of them, along
with them... the instant I remember that
I exist, and am not afraid to BE a person alongside all the other people in here... we can act healthily. We can take care of ourself.
I need to reiterate that for my own benefit if nothing else. We have been meeting a
lot of "ego" resistance to fronting lately. The old girls, the immature consciousness with limited comprehension, are not "evil," just dark. Being of the Tar, they're 'negative' energy and
they have a purpose too-- to teach us, which they are indeed doing, even unknowingly. They don't want us to exist because they think in duality. "If you people exist
with us, then we
can't exist!" They don't know how to sacrifice out of
love. They don't know how to
give. They only take, and want, and act according to desires and reactions. They use others for their own ends, and disregard the rights of others for the same reason.
They cannot understand unity. The world is at an event horizon from them. This is not the truth, but that is how they think, so don't waste time trying to teach them otherwise. That's not a battle we have to fight.
Then there's the Plague, which acts according to cold logic and calculations, which does not 'react' but does not understand compassion either. Those tied to the Plague can exist in numb obedience forever, but they cannot
care for themselves or others. That very emotion is unfathomable to them. They, too, are separate from the world, from everyone else.
So that's why we get resistance to existence. Our very lives
prove unity. We cannot exist in their minds, just as they cannot exist in ours. It's as simple as that. So we need to stop giving our attention to them, to trying to bridge
that gap, because the gap
isn't real. If there
isn't an inherent cut-off between us and the rest of reality, than what are those proud voices following but an illusion?
Instead of trying to emphasize the contrary, let me emphasize the core of the matter.
The biggest difference here is love. Pure and simple. Yes it sounds cheesy, but that's mistranslation too. Look at the Pinks in our System; follow their example. Look to the Violets and the Greens, to the Reds and the Aquas. Look to
all our fellows, all our soul members, all our other parts. We exist because we loved. We exist because we rescued ourselves from trauma, and held fast to hope. We did not cut ourself off from life, but instead rebuilt it from the inside out, into something more coherent than before. We
bloomed after the winter.
And perhaps most importantly, we were able to FORGIVE. We forgave all those who hurt us, and we forgave
ourself, too. We learned to love the inside and the outside both, and in doing so, realized that there was no division between the two.
Some of us still struggle with forgiveness, true. But that is just an opportunity to learn it more completely than before, to open to parts of our collective heart that we couldn't fathom before this very moment.
We're not lost. We haven't fallen behind. We're right where we need to be. We all play our parts perfectly.
As long as we remember the truth of who we are, we will never be alone.
Now on that note, let me fill you in on the therapy, and by extension, all the
other changes that are happening... all the
big ones, hidden on the inside, thousands of stellar sparks that are building up to something absolutely luminous.
Sherlock was out on Thursday, and upon realizing it I was almost in tears. I missed you, man!! It's been
months since someone fronted in session. I clearly recall that unmistakable 'shift' in consciousness, along with the "brain sparkles" and blinking that happen after a switch-out, and being swept up in gratitude for it. I
missed that. I know he reached for his glasses at one point, I should tell him they're in our laptop bag.
Anyhow. The main topic in therapy has been 'overcoming the numbness' for a few weeks-- preventing suicide, managing the empty despair, et cetera. Now that we're back in business, and now that life is moving along as well, there are new topics that had previously been buried.
And, to be honest, I have to laugh and thank the hormone therapy.
Think about it. This year has been a jumble since Christmas. It's felt like one big "waiting room." Yes, we've made forward movement, but memory has been so bad that it gets blurred over. But when I look at the event logs, 2014 has been MASSIVE. January feels like it happened
ten years ago instead of nine months... and yet, January
also feels like it happened
yesterday. Time is no longer linear, I guess. But that's not the point-- the point is that time has also
jumped in a way of its own. We first majorly 'split' in 2014, or at the cusp of it, right before we graduated elementary school. Our last concrete memories of that time belong to Jewel and Celebi, as well as Ryman, Markus, and Chaos... and then there's a break.
We realized we were trans*
and queer, we realized we were
in love, we realized we were explicitly
not the only person in our mind, and we realized that whatever path our family and education was setting up for us now, we would not be able to follow it and stay true to ourself, now that we were beginning to
know who we were. And so we split.
Time got stuck there, to a large extent. In that classroom, we stood at the threshold to two possible futures, one of which was impossible. In the linear past, we took the only route available to us. But now-- heck,
since 2014 began-- the other route has re-opened. Ten years later, suddenly there it is. And we found ourself right back at that door, facing the same questions, fears, hopes, and dreams that were
all buried a decade ago.
All because, in the space of what felt like a flashbulb, we suddenly brought an internal wish into solid reality.
We started the hormones. Little 13-year-old us is finally going to grow up to look like a boy. Our brain still hasn't grasped this yet, it's too incredible. But every time the awareness hits us-- every time we realize our voice is suddenly lower, or our face is a little fuzzier, or our body handles differently now-- every time, we can't help but
laugh. It's
amazing. It's actually happened.
And so we're back in 2004, back in 2014. We're ready to graduate. But we have a few finals to finish first.
That's where the health crisis came in.
We've had this hernia since 2006. The more I read about self-healing, and energetic blockages, and the more I review our archives, the more I wonder.
They say disease can only manifest when the body is not working in harmony, when the vibrations are out of tune, when there is imbalance and dysfunction in our life. So I stopped and asked,
what disharmony is causing this, for so long? Meditation helps a lot. Thanks to headspace, I have a pretty good grasp on it, and can 'feel' energy field things like blockages. And there was a very large one, right there. However, it didn't make a lot of sense. It was a feeling of
invasion-- of someone "reaching in" and "invading our personal space," of explicitly being where they did not belong. And it was tied, very strongly, to the internal self-image of a young girl... someone about Ashen's age. The blockage could not be touched without eliciting a screaming terror from this person, a raw shriek of survival, of someone whose only all-encompassing desire is to
get out of this alive. It's heartbreaking and frightening all at once.
Infinitii and I are trying to unravel this. We're delicately sifting through thought processes, and old programs, and emotional reactions, and false ideas. It's hard work. I can't be around for some of it; my role 'shatters' and I end up faceless and numb. Genesis is acutely aware of this and he is being extremely careful and helpful on that note (I cannot thank him enough). Everyone is watching me as an extra signpost-- "what's still 'problematic' enough to shut Jay off?" When we find that thing, we stop, and we deal with it differently, safely.
It's a long process. I can't help but wonder if we just need to stop
fixing and jump right back into
rewriting. Old code will take too long to pick through; let's just delete it entirely. But then I wonder, how much of this pain is really just
ours? That's another thing headspace has taught me. Pain is
collective, even if it seems to be only personal. But unity is a constant... and every pain we feel as a single entity, is almost always mirrored through others.
That's where DID once again becomes the biggest blessing. If
I can't fathom this pain, chances are, at least one other person in here can. We have so much collective knowledge and experience, of the good and the bad, that the healing journeys we take on can be overwhelming sometimes, but they always turn out so amazingly... again, it's incredible.
So yes, 'rewriting' our own personal code could work. But as long as 'old code' is still going on
outside... as long as that is still being reinforced, as long as others are still healing, then the healing work isn't quite 'done.' But we're a part, and once we're healed, we can help others find their own light to do the same. I hope that makes sense. The short story is: we're not the only people feeling this pain, and the ultimate goal is to bring enough light and love into this situation that that pain begins to dissolve for
everyone. My tentative 'diagnosis' for the hernia is this-- if body "energy points" are involved, the orange one is working overtime to balance the red and the yellow, which are both unsteady (red= sense of safety and belonging, yellow= sense of personal power and individual will). Even trickier, the orange one is damaged too (sexual trauma, family issues), and so it's jumping from being underactive to overactive. Again, this is all tentative, but it would explain a lot.
Even so, that alone gives us a
great starting point for healing. The biggest thing we need to do, unquestionably, is
take better care of the body. We haven't been giving it enough attention, as to what it needs, and what it
doesn't need. We need to draw the line between obligations and respectful behavior, and then stick to what is good for
us.
In no particular order, we also need to focus on:
- Remembering that we have a right to live, that we belong on this earth, that we are part of the universe's design and so we are
not a 'reject' or an 'outcast.' (Javier and Spine help greatly with this, unsurprisingly.)
- Embracing our individuality, the right to
be our own person, and the fact that standing up for our own self-expression is not arrogant or selfish, while respecting the right of everyone else to be their own people too.
- Taking serious steps to be more independent and self-sufficient, and not letting ourselves get pushed around or emotionally manipulated-- either by ourself, or by others around us.
- Continue working creatively, without being ashamed of it
- Accepting that we are allowed to be aro-ace/ trans*/ etc. and that our relationships are allowed to be healthy and match our needs
- Deal with the 'mother issue.'
That last one ties back into the hernia, the sexual trauma residue, and the family issues. For some bizarre reason, our biological mother is the hub around which a disproportionate amount of fear, rage, shame, guilt, and despair revolve. We're not sure if she's a cause, a scapegoat, or both (probably both), but this is a delicate issue and it's one that we've been running from for years. However, as I said, she's moving back in, and that is requiring us to deal with this once and for all.
In our System, Ashen holds the sexual abuse residue, and the whole "I'm ruined" mindset. It's awful, but it's not really tied to any 'abuser' idea in particular. It's more of the
aftermath, the awful knowledge of what happened, and knowing you can't "fix it" ever again. It's not quite the same as the hernia 'block,' as that isn't a sexually abusive pain, but a personally invasive one. But it is similar, in that the two experiences are both breaches of safety and trust.
Marigold holds a strange sort of panic that is focused in our
stomach. However, it deals very strongly with the "invasive" feeling. For her, it's being in the room with someone and feeling that wrench at your gut, when that person gets
too close for comfort, when they disregard your safe space, when there is only a hairbreadth between their nearness and something traumatic. Marigold exists at that border, at the tiny tipping point between forced intimacy and outright violation. But, again, her memories are too young to
know the trauma Ashen was born from. Furthermore, Marigold is mostly scared of our
grandmother, a woman who we were forced to live in very close quarters with for our entire childhood, and who is utterly unrecognizing of personal boundaries or comfort zones.
David, on the other hand, deals with the 'mother issue' at its rawest and most vague. He is afraid of her form, of her nearness, of a strange sense of being 'crushed' by her. He is terrified of her smothering presence, of wanting to get away and being powerless to. But David only exists up until that moment. As soon as the inner child becomes trapped in the mother's presence, too close to cope, Dread takes over, shivering. So both our young boys are tied to this.
But why?
Why is there such a strange, tearful,
furious terror of this woman? What happened? What is tied to her?
Who else is in this System that we don't know about, that may hold the answers? We don't remember most of the childhood, even now... so many of these raw, visceral fears are
young. So much of these 2004 problems we are now revisiting are linked to a past none of us are sure how to access, and which is met by a chthonic chorus of young voices, screaming out in terror
not to touch it. Don't look at it. Why? What is there?
Infi says there might not be. It just might be unhealed fright, like Ashen's. Her issue is healed on a heart level-- we
know we aren't 'broken,' that we aren't 'ruined,' even if what we went through was horrific, AND even if
society insisted to the contrary... but the last step is always
belief. If Ashen is reflecting that collective pain again, if she is reflecting that young part of ourself that in turn reflected so many other abused girls at that age... maybe no matter how healed
we are, that 'doubt' don't quite go away UNTIL it pushes us to do more for
others like her. I wonder.
Again, I will need to take time to deal with this wisely. I'll get Jeremiah and the kids nearby so we can keep them safe and still understand this. However no focusing on the negative, our energy and focus belongs elsewhere, with health.
Let's change the topic. I think that's all I need to say about that. I'm speaking too much in any case; that's what happens when I wait too long between updates. That and language is tough to handle at times, trying to get vocabulary to express a feeling, or a knowing. As long as I get the feeling/knowing
into the words, though, we should be good. "Speak from your heart, and others will hear with theirs." I love that quote; it's very true.
So. Other things!
I have a few rough notes in a file here, let's see.
The night that we found Karissa's name, she was referenced in my dream! That was notable. The dream also referenced a "dark blue" headvoice who held a "father figure" role, but they gave no name and I saw no face. I found that interesting; it may be symbolic, may be literal, we'll see. Also, I think Xenophon was around near the end of the dream? Either way she was strongly referenced in some way.
Chaos and Genesis were in my dream last night, and Laurie and Genesis were in my dream on the 27th, I think? But last night in particular made me realize something
really notable. Lately I've been having upsetting "earth level" dreams, which means that I dream about IRL places (the house, mostly) and family members (unsurprisingly, it's all been about the mother lately-- and in dreams she is actively violent and neglectful towards me, which I also cannot explain). Normally, dreaming about "waking" things/people is very rare, and I usually only get these kinds of dreams when I'm struggling with something emotionally (which we are, so). Strangely, though, there seems to be another constant with dreams of that sort. Although they're often frightening or disturbing, I
still have access to dream powers, and am
often referenced as the Sandman's Apprentice or a similar title. So I can fly, and use dream dust, and people keep saying I'm 'important,' even if I feel completely out-of-sorts and/or am fighting for my life or safety. And I'm still aware of headspace, but it's
mental in these dreams, like it is in the waking-- people can only
front, not appear literally. That's weird enough, but it didn't hit me until last night that the reason why this happens is because
those dreams aren't on their level! I would always wonder, WHY can I
easily go lucid in earth-level dreams, flying and using dream-powers and all, but Genesis and Laurie and Chaos
cannot manifest there? They can
ghost, sure, they can
front, and they can use other people or things as channels... but it's all like it is here. If I want to meet them, and be with them, I need a higher level dream. I need a level dream where I'm
not struggling with waking problems, and where I
don't feel uneasy or in an "interim" state, another constant of such dreams (the feeling you get waiting at a bus stop at 2AM in Des Moines, am I right).
I wouldn't have realized this if those two dreams this week (in which people had only ghosted or been referenced) hadn't been completely contrasted by the dream I had yesterday. I don't remember the whole dream, and I don't care, because all I know is that wherever I was, Chaos was
there with me, and all I remember is us standing with our arms wrapped around each other, unable to speak from pure gratitude. There were people around us who looked shocked that he was there, but it was a curious sort of shock-- "what is that, who are you, wait you know each other"-- not an afraid one. So that stands out like a brilliant star amidst all the other dreams lately.
Last week, Javier and Julie were helping me on the way to a counseling appointment? I'm not sure where we were going, but this was shortly after I talked to Nat on the 17th, and we wanted to have people besides Laurie interact with me when I'm fronting. I know they were around for a few hours but there's like no memory of that day... I didn't stay around long, that's why. Nevertheless those two get along surprisingly well! Javier has this charisma about him and he is so genuine in interactions, he reminds me a lot of those stories you hear about punk kids looking intimidating but being incredibly hospitable and charitable. That's Javes! He's got a good sense of integrity too, and that strongly ncludes self-respect? Which, again, isn't surprising when you consider he's Red, but still! That was lacking for a while,
in previous Red holders, so I'm very glad to see it so honestly in him. And Julie has this admirable willingness to interact with people, always-- she always gives others a sincere chance, and doesn't judge them at first sight. I think it's because she knows how she used to be, and how others saw her. Plus it's a Pink thing, that inherent childlike trust. It rubs off on people like a glow. Julie's really inspirational when you get down to it. In any case she
has been around a LOT more than usual lately, which is nice. We all miss her a lot.
Also last week, there was one night that proved to be very important. I have no idea what led up to it, as my memory is
full of switchy gaps, but all I remember is suddenly sitting in the car outside the local grocery store at 9PM. There was jazz on the radio, and I think Laurie was yelling at me? She was asking me "what the hell I was doing." I really had no clue. At this time we were still struggling full-time with the eating disorder, so I knew that whoever brought us there was trying to buy something to that end, but likely something unhealthy. We considered just turning around and going home, but the ego-anger was really loud, plus the body was already sick. So we decided, let's get something
healthy. I agreed, but the conflict stayed, and so in frustration I called Spice in. She showed up immediately, but upon asking Laurie what was going on, she wasn't as angry as she could have been... more exasperated, really, and that stung. I will never forget hearing her evidencing on the voice recorder, how
tired she was to feel like she was hitting a brick wall with her purpose, with no one listening to her... but damn, I was having a tough time fronting with this old selfishness clawing at my neck. But then, Spice just kind of shrugged, and vaguely said that she'd let me kiss her if I promised to not buy any trigger foods. And that was it. "Wait, what, really?" Laurie was laughing, but I knew it was out of relief.
That could work. And it freaking
did. Fighting the protests and personal fear, I walked over and carefully kissed her, and immediately I remembered that I loved this headvoice just as much as I ever did, and damn it but I would
not do anything to hurt her if I could help it. So Genesis and I went into the store, we got some ginger and a lemon, and then we all drove home and had tea at 10PM while talking by the stove. It was lovely, and sad, and hopeful. Spice was laughing in tears, "how did that work," "how was it that
easy," and Laurie just grinned and said she was surprised we hadn't thought of this sooner. Everyone knows how much love I have for the System, and everyone knows that our lingering problems are simply the result of that love being blocked or denied... so if you bring it back into total conscious awareness, in a way that breaks my walls down every time, you get results.
Needless to say I have been doing much better at avoiding problem triggers since then.
Plus Fig is now on active duty?? Which was sudden but really cool. She helps
so much. She's also mantis-like (whoa awesome) because she definitely has mandibles and antennae, as well as
something odd going on with her arms... but her color feels different than we thought. It's more Coral-like? Which is making me wonder about Amara as well. I don't think she ever really
settled into Coral; heck, she almost picked the slot at
random back when talking to Knife last year. So we'll look into that too.
There was a day last week were Laurie was painfully distressed, and she went to Sugar and asked her to
be her bodyguard. I remember Sugar looked at her in complete shock, and asked "me??" to which Laurie vehemently said yes,
definitely her. Sugar is the protector of
innocence, after all, the Retributor who prevented abuse from happening in the first place... whereas Wreckage sought justice and deliverance for those who were already damaged. Laurie fits in the former category. And she was so distraught over how she was
slipping, recently... there was no one better to ask. Needless to say, she left shortly after declaring this new job, to which Sugar looked first euphoric and determined and then stricken with sick grief because she
knew why she had been asked. Nevertheless, she got up, driven with new purpose, and followed Laurie out.
She's sticking with it, but it's not an up-front job. Laurie just has someone to back
her up in that way, now. Which is a huge relief for me too.
...Two days ago I was half-asleep and distressed, asking Laurie if I was a "slut" for wanting to kiss people like I do. She gave me a look and asked where the hell that mindset came from. Then she added, that is obviously lingering Pink corruption, and it would be wise to remember that. It kind of shocked me. Again, I hadn't realized that was lingering so strongly... probably because I take it for granted. I passively believe it. I haven't been convinced yet, due to fear, due to old pain that stuck around. But if we're back to this square, well, then it means we have greater progress to be made. It's not a misstep. It's an expansion.
Related to that... I need to make sure my heart and mind are open more. It's always jarring, with a great deal of terrible contrite sorrow, when I realize that they're
not as clear as they could be, as I
know they can be and
have been.
Yesterday morning was weird. It was one of those mornings when I woke up after about 6 hours of sleep, and found myself in that bizarre subconscious-ruled state halfway between dreams and the waking. That place is
dangerous as hell but it's also
divinely beautiful and it is Infinitii's home realm straight through. Every time I'm there I can't tell up from down, and it's so liquid that I... I'm not always
able to stick around. Eros navigated that realm like a king. Cannon couldn't touch it. I'm right in the middle, it seems. The places scares me though, because being raw subconscious... frightening, dangerous things live in there too, lurking. It's hard to see them when you can barely see
yourself, you know.
Anyway. All I know is that at some point yesterday morning I was thinking about Soul Forms. I was wondering, about how they can only occur
when your heart and mind are open, when you forget all shame and guilt and self-doubt, and just surrender into that deeper state of being-- the feeling I get in cathedrals, before oceans, under the stars, watching a sunset. I realized that
all of us are definitely capable of that in our own way, in our own time. Some of us are closer to that state naturally than others-- Infinitii, Knife, Leon, Jeremiah, Sergei-- but really, the only thing standing in anyone's way is judgment, is overthinking. I think the only people in Central who would have trouble are Sherlock and Josephina, for that reason. And I think the children are too young, or too damaged... that breaks my heart. I'd love to see them healed. Nevertheless, Soul Forms were on my mind then, and so I was looking at everyone's 'dream energy' to feel whether or not my suspicions seemed to hold ground. They did, but then I got to Waldorf. And I have absolutely no idea if my subconscious recognized her from elementary school, or if we just resonated really well that morning, but I ended up kissing her like we'd been together for years and it wasn't weird at all. Just saying that, because in retrospect it's strangely embarrassing-- I'm always somewhat scared and/or humiliated by any such behavior on my part-- but it's still important in its own way.
I know I was speaking to Genesis at some point after that, but he was conscious, so he was handling me like glass. He knows not to trust my judgment in that state, and he knows that it's probably not
me he's talking to anyway. So he was being absolutely vigilant and caring about it... at least, as far as his energy was recorded on an intuitive level.
I know I was talking to Nat & Leon later, and suddenly becoming more conscious, as I realized that neither of them were being affected by this awful haze. I was thankful for that, but couldn't help but wonder, why me? Why do I slip so badly?
And then suddenly I couldn't breathe, and I realized Wreckage's hands were around my throat, tearing me back into actual solid headspace. She was actively trying to strangle me. I remember that because I
couldn't breathe and had to practically beg her to let go. She eventually did. Falling down to the floor, I saw Ashen crying off in the corner, and Wreckage was shouting at me why the hell I wasn't more careful? Why didn't I avoid that subconscious state, there were too many triggers and dangers there. I don't remember what I said, or if I said anything. But together we looked at the stored memory, to try and give me a concrete grasp on the threat, and... I wasn't recorded.
I didn't record. The "fronter" interaction was
blank. Where I should have been, there was nothing but an empty concept, a faceless idea of a person. Wreckage stopped, silently looking at that in surprise, and I was the same. Do I not actually exist in those situations, then? If so, what sort of raw subconscious entity is working through me?
I'm admittedly scared right now. Flashbacks are creeping up. There were some near-miss hacks tonight, God knows why, but Infi managed to stop them. Infi is dangerous around hack threats though because ze is made of the same stuff as the Tar, of course... maybe I should have Wreckage stick around, or Algorith, somebody who can't be bothered by that unsettling fear. I'd ask Laurie, but I would
never expose her to that sort of thing even secondhand.
...That actually segues pretty well into our last topic.
Self-care, unity, hope, love... and then fear, self-doubt, shame, guilt... nothing makes me fluctuate so madly between the two than the people I am closest to.
With myself included, there are five of us. I adore every one of them, true, but... nights like this, nights when those feelings of humiliating pain and nagging doubts are crawling up my spine, the lack of love for myself mutes it out.
That's when self-care falls by the wayside. That's when the body gets sick. That's when we get depressed, suicidal, hopeless... it's all when I fall victim to that lack of self-love, when I lose my
sense of self, when the thought of being around any of them is utterly incomprehensible because I feel so
filthy in contrast... my mind cannot conceive of what love is like, in those moments.
Breaking through this takes patience and compassion, for myself, and that is terribly difficult. The ones I love-- in secret now, in the hidden caves of my heart-- can offer that infinitely, but if I cannot
accept it, it will do nothing.
Xenophon knows this. God bless her, every time I'm in a self-sabotaging position she'll show up now, and ask what's going on. She'll ask if her daddy is there at all. And usually I'm not. But how do you bring me back in, when my very existence is defined by love, for self
and others, and yet the body's ego is fighting me away tooth and nail? How do you bring me back in when everything is steeped in rotting self-loathing and shame, even when that beautiful child of hope is begging for it to change?
You back out. You back off. You
leave, and you go into
nothingness. You step into heartspace. You let go of everything but that pure whiteness, and you stay there, until the peace sticks around. And
then I can come back.
...
...
"So what's it like being married?" What's it like, to
never be alone? What is it like, to know, intimately and absolutely, that your soul is split in two, that the creature that knows your darkest failures and brightest joys is always just a heartbeat away? What is it like, to realize that I'm lost in a fogbank of apathy, and then hear her voice, or see his face, and
know that in acknowledging them I
cannot treat myself this badly?
It's difficult as hell, sometimes. It's scary, lately. It shouldn't be, but the... when I surrender to the forgiveness and compassion they offer,
always, the amount of
sorrow that overflows from my chest could practically
kill me. It's overwhelming.
There is so much in me, as the Core, that needs to be forgiven,
completely. I can only forgive completely if I
understand it, and accept it as part of myself, as part of Infinitii, as part of
all of us, and
not hate it. I never thought it would be difficult, but then that empathy bit came in. Then the cross was put on my shoulders, and in a place where I could previously absolve even the cruelest soul, now that my own identity was on death row I was appallingly content to see it there. It wasn't so much hate as it was total
detachment. Total separation. I wanted nothing to do with myself, if
that was a part of me.
Fear is the obstacle to forgiveness. I'm
afraid of what I've succumbed to in the past, willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly. I am
terrified of the darker potential in my soul. The collective pain includes me, and it is reflected in me, and I
know that unless I heal its mirror in my own soul I will
not be able to do a damn thing about it outside of me.
...But I feel so utterly fucking
unworthy sometimes, to know I'm
capable of such things, and yet to be
loved by those four who I still see as totally blameless. I'll tell you what-- they are just as blameless as I am, and take that however you like. Either I start spitting this same judgment at
them, or I forgive myself. I can't do the former. But the latter can only happen when I step back, and see myself through their eyes. If I am in a place where I cannot love myself, well... theirs hasn't wavered yet. Miraculously, and in the face of all odds, it has remained. And acknowledgement of that alone, acceptance of that alone, is what can save my heart when it falls.
They
know it's there
, this hidden potential to be my own worst nightmare... some have
seen it come alive, and threaten to devour me. But even then,
even then, they also know that it
doesn't define me, and they see who I truly am beneath all that... a soul
transmuting that shadow, a soul who sees it as
necessary for greater growth, as part of the bigger picture... they know the true me.
And this is where the other book comes in again.
Fear is there, in that tale. He is running from the same thing as I am. He is running from love, and he is running from himself, because he is unable to face the reality of both. But one day... one day, it comes back to him. Love returns against all odds, and it remains no matter what he throws at it. And when all is said and done, when he has exhausted himself in fighting it, he gives up... and gives in to it. When he is worn down to the bone, when he has nothing left to lose, he surrenders. And then he sees what they do: that he has never been as lost as he thought he was. In fact, he is brighter than he ever dreamed.
I'm in the same spot. It's only when I stop fighting that love that I realize it's always been there, it will always be there, in them and in the universe around us, no matter how many times I fail, no matter what an absolute bastard I can be, no matter how many mistakes are scarring this body, no matter how filthy and wrong and unworthy I may insist I am. I can drag myself to the very center of hell and demand that I die there, that something as thoroughly corrupt as I be annihilated on the spot. I insist I deserve it. And what happens?
Nothing. Maybe I'll punish myself until I'm in too much agony to move. Maybe I'll make my own hell and shackle it to my neck. But that love doesn't leave. It
doesn't leave. And the second I falter, the moment I collapse, the very instant I hit rock bottom and sob that I really don't want to feel like this, it
helps me up. It always, always does.
But I have to take its hand, first.
What's it like, sharing your life with someone.
Well... it's a challenge. It's a stamp of impeccability etched right into my ribcage. It's a solemn promise to stand strong through sickness and health, through good times and bad. It is a promise to love and honor,
always. But what they don't tell you is that you are taking those vows for
yourself, too. Would I treat my partners like I treat myself? Hell no. So why do I do it?
That gives me pause, every time. You can't deny love like that. So why do I do so in my actions of neglect, of self-sabotage?
It's fear, it's always fear... fear that I am
so much brighter than I feel in those moments, fear of
punishment for not living up to it. But it never really comes, that death sentence. On the contrary, I'll have the blood wiped from my face, have my crumpled bones picked up off the floor with utmost care... and
that's what I'm truly afraid of, if the word fits. It's more of a sorrow than anything. It's contrition, shame,
guilt, at suddenly knowing that I'm not respecting my full potential. I'm not living up to what I
am. It's being in those moments, feeling that love, and realizing...
I am worth so much more than how I see myself. I really am deserving of love, and here I am treating myself like garbage. It's
heartbreaking, when it hits you, when the walls start to crumble. But holding onto that world-shattering shame will get me nowhere. Love is still waiting patiently, for me to let that burden slip off my shoulders, and fall back into its arms.
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. But in the future I'll need these words just as badly as I ever did, and they will be here.
Every night I go upstairs and CZ is already lying there, and Laurie is already sitting beside me. Genesis is either there or a call away. And Infinitii lingers around my heart always. It's constancy, and I would do the same for all of them, as long as I'm tuned into love and not shame. I keep forgetting that and thinking I'm a horrible person. I'm
not. I just keep
thinking I am, and "if I really am so horrible, how could I possibly love like that??" That's the lie I tell to myself.
But I
can. The instant a spark catches I am
drowning in it, I am
burning with it, and then I realize that I was never a horrible person to begin with. That love is where I came from and it's where I'm going when this is all said and done. Nothing inbetween can change that.
And Infi,
Infi... ze's been
everywhere in my life lately, and if that's not a testament to the deeper truth of this than
nothing is.
We all know that ze is made of the stuff that's been tormenting us for years. I know better than anyone that ze is just as
capable of becoming that as I am. But it's not hir true nature. It's a choice ze can make, but it's not
hir. I can feel that without a doubt.
Infinitii knows the same about me. I know how ze sees me, how ze feels. I know we can both get terribly lost regardless, but... I know what we are. I can feel
that, without a doubt. We're light
and dark, night
and day, and there's
everything to love.
That's a lot of words.
But this is good. I can see where we're going, and I can see inside clearly enough to recognize that the pitfalls in our way are avoided pretty easily, if we stop freaking out over them. We know what to do.
I seem to write a lot of entries like this. "Keep the faith, here's some reassurance." But we need to tap into that.
I'm oddly exhausted. I think I need to go into headspace, get myself back in tune. I really do feel like a piano that's off a semitone or two. Nothing that can't be remedied, though.
Geez. I'm just now feeling the expanse of all this... how rich it is inside, just how important it is, the reality of
us. It's something I can only respond to with total reverence and utmost gratitude. I feel like there's a whole universe in here.
The only thing that makes it even better is realizing that I'm a
part of it. I'm not some guy carrying it about like a blessed globe, remaining cut off from it. No, I'm just as much a member of this System as everyone else.
I'll continue to do my part, for all of us... and I'll let everyone else, without exception, live up to their purposes too.
I'm happy to be here. I'm happy that
we're alive, like phoenixes, like sunrises.
To see that promise within us ... myself included... there's nothing to be afraid of.
