prismaticbleed | july 20th 2015

july 20th.

morning= the "sandblaster analogy" with hackers, and julie being "built rusted" but still fixed.

later on, laurie's hopeful comment to me that that fixing is "how I love?" how salt (plague) gets into things, eats away at everything, but I'm willing to put the work in and fix those "cars" up again. no matter how devastated they are.
told me I'm a source of hope for her too. how she doesn't want to fall into hatred anymore. she wants to learn to love and forgive and hope as unconditionally as I do, on my best days. she told me not to get lost either.

lynne took a hack tonight.
the androgyne was out, lynne realized this person actually WANTED "sex" (that damned undefined word) but in a way that had nothing to do with lust or lasciviousness? so lynne took the chance to see what in the world they were doing.

i can't talk about that it makes me sick to think it HAPPENED

androgyne obsessed with the "breakage/leakage" concept. getting it confused with hellish human sexuality.
jay and infi are the main persons interested in that concept, for the record, but they have total inside roots enough to not get hacked or manipulated. plus jay is absolutely sex-repulsed (no malice, just "ew") so we're not worried about him as he is.

lynne then decided to atone.
profusely sorry, but not self-hating-- just sad that she had let herself be dragged into this, that she hadn't had enough wisdom to stop this.
but that's why these keep happening really. we don’t know WHY there's such potency behind the androgyne's motivation, we keep trying to find out.
laurie said this was why she was so terribly lenient with those "fallen" voices (we can't rightfully call them "hackers" because they ARENT malicious, just terribly lost); she realized they were trying to accomplish something totally different, something sad and hopeful and confused and wanting of affection, and they had no fucking clue what else to do. laurie realized the more she yelled at them and told them no, the more we had to deal with ACTUAL negative hackers because they fed on that shit.
laurie helped atone as a result of her guilt over this. she wanted to protect people but she also didn't want to become ruled by near-hateful rage and violence anymore. (she's really torn up about that, her anchor is a MESS and she's very scared so we're all worried as hell about her.)
razor was also intrigued that there was like no pain sensation today so she jumped in too, knife had to speak up and stop everyone because frankly lynne got REALLY carried away (she felt she owed that much but still geez).
sugar was also out to clean up.

laurie realized, the androgyne legitimately thought there was NO OTHER WAY to be close to someone.
so laurie told them, "I love everyone in this entire system, and I'd never sleep with any of them" then "don't you realize there are other ways to show your love?"
androgyne paused, replied with something like "but I want to be this close to people, and share myself with them, and that's the only way I know how." in short, "if i care i HAVE to sleep with them" but not feeling ANYTHING, even the affection was dim and distant and buried under the numbness required to shove hirself into such situations.
at this laurie cut her wrist, showed the androgyne the blood, said that this was how she "shared herself with people." there WERE other ways.

lynne realized that the BLOOD gave the SAME FEELING as what the androgyne was after!! (intimacy of it)
idea, maybe we can start using "atonement" to PREEMPTIVELY stop hacks.

laurie had another idea. we need to TEACH these kids WHAT IT FEELS LIKE to be close to people in non-sexual ways.
she said it "broke her heart" to realize that these kids KNEW NO OTHER CONTEXT to closeness, to human affection so to speak. they literally thought that if you love someone SO much that you want to break yourself open and pour yourself into them, really, they only knew ONE way and that was through a sexual context. which was why they kept going after that, but STILL dissociated totally, or cut out all physical sensation except pain and heartbeats.
the lost kids DON'T SLIP, they don't harm people, they run on a lustless basis, just like eros/cupid did.
but the problem is, this programming is the wrong context. this is the wrong way for them to look for what they want, it will never really work. we all know that people SHUT DOWN when hacks happen, no matter HOW hard they try to purify them or stick around afterwards. the body can't deal.
so we all agree, we have to start HEALING THE HACKERS and the fallen ones, it's going to take a LOT OF TIME AND EFFORT but hey, if we can heal JULIE of all people, we can heal anyone else.