Got barely 6 hours of sleep. God allowed this. Deprivation wakes up the kakofoni so we can SEE them and RESIST their subtle evil
Morning food obsessing and panic
Talking to Jesus about it in Mass & Adoration
True food vs luxury
NONE OF IT MATTERS IN THE LIGHT OF THE CROSS!!!
THAT'S THE "COUNSEL & TEMPERANCE"
Also spoke to SPICE about it!!
She gave data on why those foods were useless, then pointed out FEARFUL foni, we realized their reactions ASSUME DOOM??? LIKE "NO" IS NEVER AN OPTION OR EVEN POSSIBILITY????
Spice also said "don't forget the original reason I exist" = PAIN BUFFER
Asked CHOCOLOCO for assistance in resistance but he said THAT'S NOT HIS DOMAIN??? But he IS keeping us from buying anything chocolate peppermint, so thank him
Making OCD "vows" in desperation, hoping that would "force stop" the insistent compulsions. But it didn't.
ONLY MOURNING DOES?????
We forcibly "wanted" the gingerbread cereal, even if the monkfruit makes us sick, even if we're scared of cinnamon, even if we detest the taste of sugar, even if we were genuinely terrified at the thought of actually swallowing the stuff-- none of that could stop the compulsion. Even shaking with fear, and miserably helpless, we couldn't say no; we "had to do it." We "wanted it," with no explanation or evidence other than blind & violent insistence.
And then we suddenly remembered that grandpa loved ginger snaps, and before he died, the lotophagoi stole and ate one of his bags.
The shift was IMMEDIATE. The unbearable guilt & shame & SORROW
completely killed the maniacal gluttony, replacing it with a bluetone self-hatred that INSTEAD made us want, just as violently, to THROW UP and possibly kill ourself.
THIS IS INSANE. WHY ARE THE ROOTS FOR THAT ENTIRE BULIMIC-ABUSIVE HELL
STILL IN OUR HEAD????? At least we can RESIST them now, THANK GOD!!!!
BTW remember yesterday's HOMILY GLANCE that INSTANTLY & TOTALLY "reconciled" Fr. E to us.
He was saying something about the "my burden is light" gospel, i forget what, i can never remember. but he said something like, we often think God is harsh with us, or that He won't comfort us? something negative. "but that's not true," he added. something like that. "God isn't like that." and he
looked straight at us.mind you we are the only person who sits on that side of the chapel altar. he did that on purpose.
and instantly, it felt like the burden had been completely lifted from our shoulders.
today, Fr. J said THIS Antiphon right as we were struggling with the E.D. =
"O God, who gave the Priest Saint John an outstanding
dedication to perfect self-denial and love of the Cross, grant that, by imitating him closely
at all times, we may come to contemplate eternally your glory."
It was a clear direction for us. We humbly & gratefully realized & accepted that in the very moment, however shakily.
1) SELF DENIAL. That's the bottom line. No matter how loud the E.D. is with its demonic desire for "dainties", we MUST STAND OUR GROUND FOR CHRIST.
2)
3)
Terce's Psalm 119 was immediately applicable to our morning warfare too, as we dwell among the manipulative lotophagoi and belligerent kakofoni who all hate peace and will never work for it.
Adoration for 90m as we "lost" the first 25m to hypochondriac food allergy terror.
Did a lot of talking with Jesus though, and He LITERALLY SHUT DOWN THE ADDICTION COMPULSIONS with gracious reason??? He didn't "wave a wand" as it were. He knows how mental we are. We discussed the struggle, and by His Words and His Love together, somehow the obsession just STOPPED.
It's oddly fitting that I can't remember how.
...
Shopping day again, as we had non-EBT funds. Exhausted but had to do it. Only local though thank God, the unwanted "compulsion" to do stupid luxury shopping was thankfully ANNIHILATED
Brain just NOT WORKING AT ALL today. Probably the lack of sleep.
The fact that we haven't gotten sick yet is a miracle.
3PM BK WTF.
OCD rituals are TERRORIZING again
Evening=
Mom car switch, she was infodumping about Longwood again, haha. She really loves it. We consciously chose to pay genuine interested attention to her, resisting the stupid devil temptation to empty distraction. We WANT to listen to her, dummy!
What was that old quote... "who is the most important person in the world? Whoever you are with right now. What is the most important thing you could possibly do? Being completely present to that person right now." That's the gist of it. We think about it a lot.
Mom then SHOCKED us by saying out of the blue, "when the January doldrums hit, remember, we're going to start watching DOCTOR WHO!"
OH MY GOODNESS I THOUGHT SHE HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN OR CHANGED HER MIND IT'S BEEN
TWO YEARS.
But... no coincidences, dude. Last night we started uploading 2017 at long last. That's when & where WE first met the Doctor, and we are forever grateful. Honestly we are, and always have been... but tragically I don't know if we ever expressed that to TBAS before we stupidly "bailed" on our friendship,
twice. What a jerk we were.
Nevertheless, we'll always be grateful. And Eleven will always make us think of them with utmost affection.
Night=
well.
we forgot that when we try to feed this poor body after 8pm, no matter how careful we are, it WILL collapse into a bingepurge.
those stupid beans did not help, let me say that much. we put like
one tablespoon of them in with the broccoli, and within minutes, we were worriedly wondering, "why do we feel so nauseous?"
WELL BUDDY THERE
IS LONG-STANDING DATA THAT SAYS THAT
WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU ATE THE BLOODY THINGS BUT
NO ONE CAN EVER ACCESS THAT DATA WITHOUT A BRUTAL RE-TRIGGER FOR SOME ASININE REASON.seriously WHY. why can we NEVER remember that something is painful or dangerous or otherwise a trauma trigger
until we literally re-experience it and make the trigger even WORSE???in any case, we had a hell of a night. it was agonizing.
oh yeah, and WHOEVER BOUGHT WHITE CHOCOLATE
NEEDS TO LET GO OF THE PAST.that poem does not define your life, no matter how kind the author's original intentions were. you are putting so much power in their hands, based on a snippet they wrote
over a decade ago based on, what, an hour of interacting with you? and you just
clung to it like a liferaft. why? is it because you were so desperate for q & y to write about you, to hear
anything from either of them, some proof of love, but
nothing ever happened? so when you got this unexpected thought from a total stranger, comparing your voice to an easter confection, you
took it as the word of God.stop. please. it doesn't translate to reality. you cannot be forcing our poor body to eat that stuff anymore, in the tragic frantic hope that you can become someone worth loving, someone worth writing about, as a result. whatever you're trying to do. i don't know. i'm not the one who did it. the compulsion is too blind anyway. it's the terror that if we
don't buy and eat it, we're rejecting that "only hope we had." we're invalidating the only scrap of affection we received in our own language. et cetera. dude you
need to work through all that stuff, it's been literally over ten years, why is it still not settled?
but now isn't the time.
all i want to say is that, please,
stop letting the lotophagoi buy food. they adhere to obsessive obligations, not nutrition or sense or even system data. everything they do is in order to appease someone else, or to obey some random new rule that they read on the internet. it's all driven by fear of disobedience, fear of punishment, fear that if they
don't do what the other people are doing, they will be even less human than before. something like that. i can't phrase their feelings very well, they're too raw. that's something they would have to express on their own, and we can't get that deep right now. no time. no leeway for exploration, not tonight.
God please we need time to go inside ourselves again. that's keeping us stagnant. and it's feeding these bad nights, pun horribly intended. i wonder if that's playing into it as a hidden motive somewhere. who knows.
all i know is this:
DON'T EAT LATE ANYMORE, DON'T EAT ANY CANS OR CANDY, AND DON'T EAT WHEN YOU'RE SOCIALLY OVERSTIMULATED YOU IDIOT.
there's no memory of the before or after, as usual. there's only one or two flashbulb of "during," both panicked lucid snaps when we briefly realized that we were on a highway to hell and the brakes weren't working.
but we survived. apparently. thanks be to God alone, all credit to Him. we don't know how to recover, it's always two seconds away from calling an ambulance. all we can do is try our best and pray, and when the Spirit talks,
do what He says. praying right now that we feel stable enough in the morning to go to Mass. promising God that if we do, we will. hoping He will answer that prayer. the thought of not going to Mass, even for one day, is so unbearable it's unthinkable.
no matter how stupid and foolish and afraid and sad we may be, even if we messed up bad again tonight, twice in one month, that's frightening-- no matter what, God is there in the Tabernacle waiting for us, to heal us, to give us strength to try again.
that's hope enough for everything.
------β--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first reading at Mass today was one we actually love, and on this particular morning it spoke straight to our wretched heart anew. It was Isaiah 41, with that liturgical opening line that guts us every time.
Here it is straight from the NASB =
"βFor I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand, Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’ “Do not fear, you worm Jacob, you people of Israel; I will help you,” declares the Lord, “and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel." And here are our favorite translations =
(Verse 13)
"βββFor I the Lord will grab you by the hand and tell you, “Don't be afraid! I myself will help you.""
β"For I, Yahweh your God, am grasping your right hand; it is I who say to you, “You must not fear; I myself, I will help you."
"I am the Lord your God. I am holding your hand, so don't be afraid. I am here to help you."
β"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am The One Who helps you.” (Verse 14)
"Do not be afraid, Jacob, poor worm, Israel, puny mite...Do not fear, you worm Jacob, you maggot Israel!"
"Others may say, "Israel is only a worm!""
"Fear not, O worm of Jacob, you who are dead within Israel."
"You are as small, lowly, weak, despised, powerless, unimportant, insignificant, and worthless as a worm..."
"βDo you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob? Don’t be afraid. Feel like a fragile insect, Israel? I’ll help you. I, God, want to reassure you. I am The God who buys you back, The Holy One of Israel. I’m transforming you from worm to harrow, from insect to iron..." And the last=
"Don't worry, don't be frightened... I Myself will help you, says the Lord; your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel... I am your Savior, Defender, and Protector." Do you see how much richness of mercy & power & love & humility & grace there is in those two verses alone?? Every translation reveals more nuances of God's Heart towards His people; worms though we may be, we are saved and even cherished by the Holy One Himself!!
Honestly verses 8-20
all feel so personal it
aches.
...
The Universalis commentary to that reading today was just as unexpectedly headspacey as the reading itself, so actually i should comment on its clarifications alongside the raw text.
A DISCLAIMER = I am in no way appropriating this. I fully accept and honor the actual, original, divine meaning and historical application of these words of Scripture. They are not to be removed from their context. HOWEVER. God's Character does not change, and Scripture is living & active. What is true here for ancient Israel is also "true" for me, in a real yet symbolic manner, both as a member of "spiritual Israel" through my Christian baptism, and also as a mere human being experiencing the same archetypal events as they. So I apply this to my own life as a microcosm, as my own individual share in the eternal Truth of this Scripture, because if God responded to His people in this situation in this specific way, then He
must respond in kind to His people in like situations in this modern age-- after all, it is HE Who orchestrates all the events of time to begin with!
So I can trust in His Word to hold true to my own foolish little life, too, as worthless and useless a worm as I am.
God has still helped me. And therefore I must tell of His unchanging Goodness.
1) Isaiah 41 is
"promising the ecological transformation of Israel, a sort of pledge of the return of Israel/Jacob to the land devastated by the Babylonian invaders." My first thought? Headspace. Our innerworld was DESTROYED after CNC and never rebuilt. We've never actually returned as a result. We're living in ruins, in scraps of memory...
The "Babylonians" here-- the pagan invaders-- were
not a specific person, but a military force. So too with us. Our REAL devastation, what TRULY shook our city to shambles, was wrought by what CAME INTO HEADSPACE-- which can
only be the most deadly thing of all:
a thought. That's all it takes. One cancer cell starts the whole takeover. One small insect starts the whole infestation. And a thought is more virulent than either.
...
But we're missing the whole point.
This entire prophecy is God PROMISING TO TRANSFORM THE
LAND.
Our city is in ruins. Our forests are in ruins. Everything is devastated. God is promising to bring THE LAND back to life
so we can live in it. Because let's face it-- unless He does, it is utterly uninhabitable; not just because everything has been crushed and shattered down to dust, but also because even when it
was still standing,
all the foundations were totally wrong. 2)
"This [transformation] will NOT be the work of Israel/Jacob itself-- which receives only the uncomplimentary names of ‘worm’ and ‘insect’-- but it will be accomplished by [God alone]." AND THAT'S WHY WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANYWHERE IN
FIVE YEARS. We were destroyed BECAUSE we were "trying to do everything without God." It's impossible to rebuild from that same vain mindset. Those rotten foundations need to be torn right out of the parched earth and completely re-set, just as the soil itself needs to be completely rejuvenated before it can grow anything. You get the idea. We can't do any of that ourselves. We don't have the knowledge OR the means OR the manpower; we have nothing, nothing. We're utterly bereft.
But when we can admit that and
turn to God in trust, then HE will do EVERYTHING,
for HIS glory. And what better glory is there, but glory to Love and Light and Truth as they REALLY are? We ignorantly and proudly thought
we had those things, back in CNC, with our glitter-guts and sparkle-sins that blinded us to how base of a beast we were. we were injuriously iridescent. a pernicious prism. etc etc. the surface was all shimmer but beneath it was just
scum.
what am i even rambling about. oh yeah. we were vermin. just a big worm. just like the tempter himself. good for nothing but to be crushed underfoot, wings plucked off, sprayed until spasming in suffocation.
i'm in a bad state of mind, forgive me.
the point is this. we can't transform ourselves, or our land, or anything. but God can. and God wants to. and here, in this prophecy, for the chosen people and we hope desperately for us too as members of the Church, God promises to.
and God will transform US, too. and THAT will be glorious.
3)
""The LORD, the Holy One of Israel, your Redeemer"= These three titles all express the special closeness of God to His people which is so predominant in this chapter.
‘I am the LORD, your God’ takes us back to the revelation of the Divine Name to Moses at the burning-bush; the giving of a name is itself an expression of intimacy.
‘The Holy One of Israel’ is Isaiah’s special title for God, used liberally throughout all the parts of this Book; it bespeaks the awe and reverence in which the LORD must be held.
Finally the ‘redeemer’ or go’el is a special family word in Israel. The go’el is the closest family member, who is bound in family love and lore to bail out his nearest family member if the latter is in dire trouble. The LORD can be relied on absolutely, just like the family member, to bail out Israel. This is the first time the concept has been applied to God; it is frequent in this second part of Isaiah. Clearly it is an important part of the concept of the LORD at this crucial moment that He can be relied on to deliver Israel from the captivity."I've noticed that God really loves to use personal possessive pronouns, and it's... it's so deeply sweet, it shocks you speechless. "YOUR God," He says. "yours." and He says to us, "you are Mine." so on and so forth. it's not possession of objects. it's so intimate, so affectionate, it's almost incomprehensible to admit that this is being said BY OUR CREATOR.
What shocks me even more, and what actually
hurts in light of headspace, is that bit about the bush. God shows up, reveals His existence personally to Moses, and what does He do? He
gives us His Name. He ACTUALLY tells us Who He Is. I can't repeat it, I can't. But that's proof of its truth. And seriously, think about it! Who would ever think that Divinity Himself, the God of Gods, the ultimate Source and Preserver of everything, would
give His Name to an old shepherd in the wilderness? To say the least. But He
does. And why? Because
they are His people, and He loves them, and He is coming to save them. So of
course He gives them His Name. How strange, that the impossible becomes the essential, now that God Himself has declared the relationship. "I am
your God," He keeps repeating.
Yours. There is a
belonging here, something
determined by God Himself, a covenant of promise that He Himself holds faithful through all eons of time, because He
wants to be ours. And that's why Jesus has a Name, too. How much more vulnerable and sweet and true and
holy is that, for God to take a human name to Himself and sanctify it forever-- a name we can speak, we feeble humans, our clumsy languages and careless mouths, God has
taken a human name so we can talk to Him as humans. There's so much sincere intimacy in everything God does, it's astounding.
Even so, He is ALWAYS THE HOLY ONE. Note the
"the" and the
"one." There is no other; there can never be any other. God is GOD. He IS holy. He is utterly beyond comprehension and description. To see Him with human eyes is to be
struck dead. To touch the sacred things without His explicit command is to be
struck dead. It's not by whim, it's by
transcendence. Our mortal bodies and minds just
shatter at the exposure, by design. Again, this is why Jesus is so amazing-- He IS this One True Holy God, but
visible, tangible, comprehensible. ...
------β--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Today, what is one way you can love God through your obedience?
+ I can spend intentional time in prayer, seeking guidance and wisdom from God.
+ I can choose to show love to my enemies.
+ I can confess my hidden sins and bring them into the light." 1) ...oh boy, that does
not describe our prayer times. Yes, still. That's genuinely disturbing. We're just so scared-obsessed with "getting all the dailies done" that we can't rest, and "talking to Jesus doesn't count" unless we're at Adoration.
...
2) My first thought: what counts as an enemy? Must it only be people? Or could it be our OCD? Because "choosing LOVE" would indeed change the game, and (if done right) defeat the enemy. Love isn't sentimental feeling, it's not romance, it's not sappy silly sensual garbage. Love is RIGHTEOUS and TRUE and PURE. Love is self-sacrificing. Love is merciful and just. Love is GOD. But then how do we "apply this" to our situation?
Only through Christ.
And therefore, we must also recognize the true
context of love, which is
relationship. That requires PERSONS. We
cannot "show love to" a
disorder. But we CAN manage it in a way that shows love to GOD, in how we show love to
His Son, Who has made us into part of His Own Body. Christ enables us to love our enemies because He died for them too, and if we are OF His Body Crucified then we are NECESSARILY bound to express that love TO His enemies, SPECIFICALLY, in both generous purity of undeserved grace AND the sincere hope to convert their hearts to Him through such unconditional compassion.
...
3) I personally think there is a KEY difference between "confessing" a hidden sin, and "bringing it to the light".
...
The written reflection today is very beautiful.
"We imitate those we love. As all of us grew up as kids, we imitated those around us so that we could learn and grow. During that process of growing, we naturally gravitate towards certain people we want to be like." Let me pause here because this is
something we never thought about and there's a LOT of weight in this observation.
First, though, consider this:
we were isolated. We didn't
have a "selection" of people to imitate. We had no neighbors, no friends, no social groups, et cetera. And yeah, we did prefer that. Even as a child, when we
were given the opportunity to socialize, we rejected it with utmost distaste. We would much rather read and draw and talk to our imaginary friends.
...and really, THAT'S who we were imitating, for the most part.
Yes, we definitely did imitate our grandmother and father as a child. I can see bits of them in our personality even now. But as for the vast majority of our growth? We were
copying fictional people. It never ceases to stun me, when I pick up a piece of media from our childhood to revisit, and suddenly
it's like looking into a mirror. Vocabulary, mannerisms, fashion, behaviors, interests, etc. It's jarring, to be honest, to realize that we were cobbling our "self" together from the media we were exposed to, because
we had no physical people to imitate... at least, not anyone that... that we...
...We didn't
want to be like our family. They fought a lot. They scared us a lot. We were punished and beaten and threatened and mocked and bullied. Oh of course we also had BEAUTIFUL days, so many good days, but... there were enough bad days and nightmares to make us afraid to imitate those people, knowing what we would be "taking into ourselves" by proxy, almost.
...
...
did we truly love our family, as a child? how did we reconcile the fear alongside it?
God that makes me want to
sob. did we ever learn or recognize what love truly was back then?
...
"Someone you know is grieving the loss of someone or something. Reach out and let the love of Christ touch them through your kindness and compassion."Oh this is hitting a lot of bruises.
1) That "cold-hearted" part of us, whyever it's there, immediately reacts to this with a sneer. It thinks grieving is stupid. It thinks losses are deserved. It has no patience for mourning or tears. "Get over it," it snarls. "So what if you lost it? So what if they died? It was bound to happen. You can't do anything about it. It is what it is. Man up and move on." et cetera. empty, heartless words. where did that come from? it's not us. but it's in our head. we don't want it.
we WANT to be compassionate. we WANT to be able to see grief and not panic in fear, or scowl in disgust. why those two responses?
2) it's not about us. we have to let THE LOVE OF CHRIST work through us. and what does that say about compassion? what does that say about what REALLY IS RIGHT in this situation? If GOD reaches out to touch the hurting one, to give kindness and compassion, then to NOT do so is outright demonic.
sit with that. let it scare you. then beg for grace to
stop being so evil.3) but
why are we evil. we WANT to be kind. we
yearn for it ourselves, as well as for others. we see people in tears and we WANT to comfort them, but the very thought is
terrifying, and then we shut down and turn cold. is that the chain of events?
...
"God, in life’s dark nights, let Your love rain down upon me. In life’s dark nights, let Your love stir the heart within me. In life’s dark nights, let Your love reach others through me." ...this is so absolutely headspace relevant it is breaking my heart.
"By the example of the saints you instruct your faithful in the ways of wisdom and love; through our pastors, help us grow to the full stature of perfection." *immediately shows this to Chaos 0*
seriously though
this is heartachingly beautiful. this means that true perfection is
wise and loving. ...
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