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[prismaticbleed]

Still SO WEAK & IN PAIN.

Mom morning again! Food drive stop, people still encouraging us to keep singing at church, which means a great deal as we might have to sing SIX MASSES OVER THE WEEKEND SON!!
Walmart stop to get some basics. Genesis dedicatedly keeping me from blacking out from stress & overwhelmed confusion; there were SO MANY PEOPLE our brain was literally shutting off just to cope.

Left off Jade's Christmas card at work! It's so glittery haha, they'll know exactly who it's from

Car talk is a blur as usual but we were discussing mental health & such? EXCEPT WE'RE A MISERABLE CONVERSATIONIST, all we do is complain & point fingers & discuss problems. NO WONDER EVERYONE HATES TO BE AROUND YOU, YOU ASS.
I ask, yet again: WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS.
Is THIS what we turn into when we DON'T TALK AS A SYSTEM????? This is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN CNC after all!! With no Spectrum communication, we somehow turn into an absolute nightmare of a gloomy griping git. We apparently CAN'T BE POSITIVE AS A "SINGLET." That's all we can figure.
Why? Because we ARE A MULTIPLE SYSTEM. We are SUPPOSED to live TOGETHER!! When the somafoni deny & suppress & avoid & attack that fact, or when they go even further and try to outright kill us-- well, that says a LOT about why THEY are the way they are.
But... new year's resolution. Daily journals. Monthly Xangas. Weekly headspace "meditations". And all of it shot through with REAL CHRISTIANITY.
THAT'S something we realized today, like the floor dropping out of the world. We're treating our religion like a college class. We're making it all about words & essays & quizzes & studying. We've turned Jesus into an idea. Our whole faith is "on paper"-- on a phone screen, on a bookshelf, in a notebook.
Guess what? THAT'S NOT TRUE CHRISTIANITY.
Jesus is a PERSON. The Kingdom of God is WITHIN YOU, AMONG YOU, in the streets of the tangible world, in the faces of the most needy & forgotten. You can study all you want; but where is your oil, foolish whore? Where are your good works? You're too damn busy comparing translations & blabbering nonsense to realize the Bridegroom you've read about is literally at the door, expecting you to get off your ass and join Him and the rest of the crowd!! Would they even know who you are?? Who are you serving? Are you tending the vineyard? Are you feeding the sheep? What have you done with your bloody talents??
No wonder we're miserable.


One bit of good news: we ARE having a small but real "family get-together" on BOTH Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day. Dinner, presents, music, even a tree. Of course we immediately but silently freaked out about food scheduling & options, scared of variables & allergens, but mom EXPECTED our anxiety?? Because she just as immediately told us, on her own, that she WON'T cook any shellfish, WON'T coerce us into eating dairy or gluten, and WILL allow us to actually bring our own food. WHAT THE SHARK I DIDN’T REALIZE THAT WAS ALLOWED. The amount of sheer relief we felt was STAGGERING. We didn't realize how SCARED we were until suddenly there was an "escape hatch."

BK @ 3pm son 😂 Laurie is not happy with the OCD delays

Reading Matthew's Gospel instead of typing. I'm sick of the commentary. I'm tired of the thriskefoni & somafoni running the life. For the new year, everything needs to change.
I seriously think we will do the "Bible In A Year" study from Ascension. We actually started it this year, but stopped for some unknown reason. We'll try again, with sincere determination, and PRAYER for perseverance, you proud rat, stop thinking you can power your puny ass through your aspirations; no wonder they all crash and burn.


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Adoration thought =

I've realized what I struggle with concerning forgiveness =
How can Jesus "take my sins away" if they still happened?
They still exist in history. Their consequences still endure. I'm still damaged and so are many others. How can Jesus redeem me from them if I am still shackled to those daily consequences?
I want to know. I genuinely want to know because Jesus DOES forgive me of the guilt, somehow. He DOES redeem me from the slavery to sin. I do believe that. And yet, even there, I still struggle in a daily war with kakofoni. I'm not a slave anymore, but then why am I still in prison? Why all the nightmares? Why this trashheap of a personality?
God i don't understand. Please help me.
But yeah, THIS is why I get so frustrated when people say "Jesus died for your sins!" WHAT DOES THAT ACTUALLY MEAN.
I know He died BECAUSE MY SINS MURDERED HIM. That is obvious. But then where is my hope? If His death "took those sins away," why am I still haunted? Why do those sins still actively affect every moment of my wretched existence?
The problem is on my end, I am doing something wrong, I don't understand and I want to.

DUDE READ THE CATECHISM
I'm SURE it says something about this.

Psalm 98???
"O Lord our God, You answered them. For them You were a God who forgives; yet You punished all their offences."
...

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VOTD = Psalm 100:2.
"[God always keeps His promises.] Therefore, even when hardships persist, we can serve the Lord with gladness and come to Him with praise. No matter what happens to us in life, God is always worthy of worship. But worship is a choice, and we have to decide to be confident in God's Word, to preach to ourselves, to keep waiting for and trusting in God... God has unfailingly proven His faithfulness throughout history, and Advent is the greatest testimony of this-- because the Birth of Christ was-- and is, and will continue to be-- the perfect fulfillment of all God's promises."
1) Hardships have no power against God. This is because, as even we mortals can attest, hardships are powerless against LOVE! In fact, love practically thrives in hardships-- tough times are the glorious battlefields in which Love the Invincible wins its greatest victories... and the ultimate Victory of Love is the Cross.
2) Seriously, familiarize yourself WITH God's Promises!! Start that notebook for the New Year. Write it ALL down. Then you'll KNOW what you can specifically anchor your praise and patience and hope and gratitude into.
3) This actually implies, correctly, that if we don't trust in God during hardships, we cannot serve Him. I say "at all"-- because if we aren't serving gladly, then we're grumbling & morose, or distracted & anxious, and those very dispositions DON'T SERVE GOD.
4) Likewise, we cannot praise God if we don't trust Him. Do you see how important true faith is?
...
5) WORSHIP IS A CHOICE. It's not automatic. It's not a program to run. It cannot be faked or forced, copied or compelled. It is a freely willing decision of the heart, or it isn't worship.
...
6) confident
7) SELF PREACH
8) KEEP waiting & trusting
...


The questions are POWERFUL =
"How will you worship the Lord today?
+By celebrating His blessings with my community.
+By intentionally giving Him the best of my time.
+By bringing my grief to Him and trusting Him with my pain."
THAT'S ALL WORSHIP????
Man why don't we Catholics talk about this??? This sort of perspective is literally the way to sanctify one's ENTIRE LIFE, every little detail and aspect of it, seeing the opportunity to praise & honor & serve God in ALL things and at ALL times, and simply yet faithfully DOING SO. That is ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL AND ESSENTIAL to being a Christian at ALL, for heavens sakes!
1) Outside of general Mass, I've never done anything like this, because it was never offered or even imagined as a possibility! People around me "kept their faith to themselves," outside of church services. And no one got together JUST to celebrate GOD! And yet HOW BEAUTIFUL THAT WOULD BE!! And how my heart and soul are YEARNING for it, now that they are able to discern & voice this previously unrecognized need!!
2) We need to seriously ponder & discuss this one. What, truly, IS "the best of our time"? What are the ACTUAL criteria?
...
3) ...giving God my grief is worship. How. I need to understand this; that changes everything.
Oh wait, oh man hold up, the prayer on the very next slide SAYS how=
"God, You make all things beautiful. You bring beauty out of ugly situations, and You can turn mourning into joy... I will view my pain as an opportunity to find fulfillment in You, and my blessings as opportunities to praise You."
1) I daresay that, without God, nothing is beautiful. Yet His Presence alone brings true beauty to anything-- because the ugliness that is sin & death CANNOT exist in His Presence!!
(REMEMBER THE UPMC SUNRISE!!!)
...
2) God also "brings beauty OUT of ugliness." Nothing is inherently ugly except for sin. God created everything Good. So, He can recreate everything Good-- and He DID exactly this IN CHRIST.
God's very Presence TRANSMUTES things.
...
3) Christ is also the ultimate example of transmuting mourning into joy. Isn't that the Cross? Isn't that the "happy fault"?
Remember the Beatitudes!
...
4) Pain & fulfillment. This is deep.
What causes us pain? Death. In one way or another, great or small, it's death. We suffer loss, disappointment, decay, injury, illness, grief, trauma... All of it is a death of something. 
All death, deep down, inspires our hurting hearts to look beyond this world, to hope for the eternal, to blindly grope towards God. Christianity gives us the Light of Faith, to lead us out of that darkness.
But fulfillment is the key word. We won't follow that Light if we treasure the shadows.
(You're babbling. The "talk around the topic" girls are out. Pause this until WE can speak; otherwise they'll just bury the point beneath distracting fluff.) 


KVOTD adds to this topic with some very interesting thoughts =
"God's plans can take us by surprise, and even shock us. But no matter how big or wild or strange His plans seem to us, or how many impossible obstacles seem to be in their way, we can trust that God will make ALL His plans come through-- because God can do anything, and He can perform miracles to keep His promises."
MAN WE FORGET THAT, DON'T WE??

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A thought =
Something can still be an "idol" even if you're terrified of it. Just look at actual pagan worship. Their "gods" are not necessarily "good" whatsoever-- but they still demand sacrifice & worship, else they lash out in violently offended pride.
The True God isn't like that. He never has tantrums or fits. He never does spitework. He is always honorable, just, and righteous.
Nevertheless... you still react to Him as if He was like a pagan idol. Why? Are you unknowingly worshipping an idol and thinking it's the Lord? What are you so terrified of?
The thought that started this topic =
I am still too obsessed with food. And I'm obsessed with food because I "need" to control exactly what & when I eat. And I "need" to control it because I'm afraid that otherwise I will be forced to eat poison or allergens. And I'm afraid because then I will die an unholy death, spasming mindlessly like an animal, dehumanized by careless gluttony. 
I'm so afraid of food killing me.
I'm so tired of this unending terror.
But I'm MOST afraid that it would be JUST, that God would LET it happen if I WAS so nonchalant about food, instead of practicing ascetic denial & strict control. No luxury, no novelty, no feasting, no exceptions. If you do take that carefree chance, and you die from it, then it serves you right.
I'm scared to death. I cannot take that risk.

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