120123

[prismaticbleed]

 

First Friday!

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Today begins a 5-day devotional for Christmas and it is starting off with a POINTBLANK GUTPUNCH=

"...while Scrooge is obviously greedy with the one thing he loves most in the world—money—he’s also greedy with another commodity that might hit closer to home today: time. You might be thinking, "I’m not greedy with my time! Have you seen my Google calendar, especially in December? It’s full of things I’m doing for other people!"
Exactly. It’s full. We don’t have time to spare anymore.
Sure, we might think we’re doing a bunch of things for other people— holiday parties, Christmas programs, end-of-year fundraisers—but how often are we neglecting the people God has placed right in front of us in favor of the bright and shiny get-togethers of the holiday season? Forgetting to call our grandparents to check in because our days are just too full. Being physically, but not emotionally, present with our spouse. Overlooking the many impoverished children and families in our own communities and around the world.
Like Scrooge, we greedily guard against anything (or anyone!) that would interrupt our plans or throw off our productivity. Old Ebenezer would applaud this miserable hoarding of each hour, but we’re called to be generous in all things, especially our time. When we choose to be greedy with our time, we’re choosing to put ourselves above everyone else around us. The day becomes about what I want, about what I value, about what I can accomplish... Greed isn’t simply limited to Scrooge counting coins in the dank offices of his firm— it’s you and me running around thinking we’re the main character in our own version of A Christmas Carol. News flash: that role wasn’t super enjoyable for Scrooge, and it won’t be for us either unless we choose to release the vise-grip we have on our time. God invites us to a life of so much more, to be so much more than the main event. Let’s examine our own greedy tendencies this Christmas season and choose instead to put the needs of others above our own.
Ask yourself: In what areas do you struggle to be generous? A lot of us hoard our time like Scrooge hoarded his money. How can you be more generous with your time this Christmas season? What can you remove from your agenda so you’re able to truly embody that spirit of generosity?"
...I kid you not, I feel like I've been called to court. THAT'S how hard this hits. It's so merciless it's merciful. I WASN'T AWARE HOW GREEDY I APPARENTLY AM WITH TIME until I read this.
...it's because I'm terrified of "losing it". Now that I live alone, I feel like my schedule is the only thing I "own" for myself, the only thing that gives me any semblance of control or stability or security or rest. It's the only sense of sense I have; it's the ordering force in this jumbled mess of my life. "Giving away" my time feels like giving away my skeleton. I don't know how to hold together without it.
...
Nevertheless, Scripture gives me solid orders.
"Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too." (Philippians‬ ‭2:3‭-‬4‬ ‭NLT‬)
And Luke 12:15, warning to "guard against ALL FORMS of greed," because no matter how rich or wealthy you are, no matter how much you own or possess, no matter how much of an abundance you have of anything-- it will not and cannot keep you safe. It has nothing to do with your REAL and TRUE life, with eternity. I can have the most securely scheduled day possible, but Matthew 25:45 would still be my death knell. No one enters eternal life alone. Heaven Is relational. The Body of Christ-- the very Temple of God on this earth-- is PEOPLE. And you "don't have time for them," because you have to pray??? You're WORSE than Scrooge, you sightless hypocrite!


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Universalis today was convicting too=

"Our obligation is to do God’s will, and not our own... How unreasonable it is to pray that God’s will be done, and then not promptly obey it when he calls us from this world! Instead we struggle and resist like self-willed slaves and are brought into the Lord’s Presence with sorrow and lamentation, not freely consenting to our departure, but constrained by necessity. And yet we expect to be rewarded with heavenly honours by Him to whom we come against our will! Why then do we pray for the kingdom of heaven to come if this earthly bondage pleases us? What is the point of praying so often for its early arrival if we would rather serve the devil here than reign with Christ?"
1) God is CONSTANTLY "calling us from this world."
2) What divine redirection am I struggling against? What divine authority am I resisting?
3) THE SLAVE MINDSET ACTS FROM CONSTRAINT. There is "consent," sure, but it's not "free." It's given out of a sense of begrudging necessity. The slave is told to depart from the world, but he doesn't want to, although he still obeys??? But the obedience is "sorrowful," focused on the world, and not on God.
...this concept also describes our religiously instigated sexual abuse far too well.
...
4) The slave is BROUGHT into the Lord's Presence and COMPLAINS ABOUT IT!!!
5) YOU CAN "COME TO GOD AGAINST YOUR WILL" IN THIS REGARD. That's a TERRIFYING WARNING!!!
6) Be honest. Does this earthly bondage "please you?" Would you rather be in servitude to it, or join Christ in His rule over it? Because there are only two options.
...


"The world hates Christians, so why give your love to it instead of following Christ, Who loves you and has redeemed you? John is most urgent in his epistle when he tells us not to love the world by yielding to sensual desires. Never give your love to the world, he warns, or to anything in it. A man cannot love the Father and love the world at the same time. All that the world offers is the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and earthly ambition. The world and its allurements will pass away, but the man who has done the will of God shall live for ever. Our part, my dear brothers, is to be single-minded, firm in faith, and steadfast in courage, ready for God’s will, whatever it may be. Banish the fear of death and think of the eternal life that follows it. That will show people that we really live our faith."
1) Love is relational. The world cannot love you back.
2) Christ DOES LOVE YOU.
3) We "love the world" BY "yielding to sensual desires." That is a VITAL CLARIFICATION.
4) we CANNOT "love both" God & the world because God is NOT SENSUAL. God is SPIRITUAL. Our priorities & focus MUST BE ONE OR THE OTHER.
5) You notice how the ONLY THING the world CAN offer is LUST???
6) THE WORLD WILL PASS AWAY. This is SO POWERFULLY CONSOLING.
7) "The MAN who has DONE God's will shall LIVE FOREVER." The man is a conscious living being; the world is not. The man can freely choose to do God's will; the world has no power of will, nor is its bent in harmony with God regardless. But that distinction is so unexpected yet essential= ONLY MAN CAN HAVE ETERNAL LIFE THE WAY IT IS! The world cannot be in a mutually loving relationship with its Creator!!
8) "Single-mindedness, firm faith, steadfast courage" all go together, and enable us to be unfailingly "ready for God's will."
9) WE ONLY FEAR DEATH IF WE FORGET OR FORFEIT ETERNAL LIFE.
10) This courage, this hope, is what SHOWS THE SINCERITY OF OUR FAITH, and for good reason-- we cannot truly claim to have faith in a Resurrected Lord if we don't act as if resurrection was possible, or even desired!!
...


"We ought never to forget, beloved, that we have renounced the world. We are living here now as aliens and only for a time. When the day of our homecoming puts an end to our exile, frees us from the bonds of the world, and restores us to paradise and to a kingdom, we should welcome it. What man, stationed in a foreign land, would not want to return to his own country as soon as possible? Well, we look upon paradise as our country..."
1) Our baptism was a renunciation of this world and we CANNOT GO BACK!
2) ALIENS. Dead serious, Jessilynn would have LOVED AND LIVED this verse for that words sake-- and it would've been absolutely edifying!
...
3) "RESTORES" us to Paradise. It IS our "home country."
...


"...and a great crowd of our loved ones awaits us there; a countless throng of parents, brothers and children longs for us to join them. Assured though they are of their own salvation, they are still concerned about ours. What joy both for them and for us to see one another and embrace! ...There, is the glorious band of apostles, there the exultant assembly of prophets, there the innumerable host of martyrs, crowned for their glorious victory in combat and in death. There in triumph are the virgins who subdued their passions by the strength of continence. There the merciful are rewarded, those who fulfilled the demands of justice by providing for the poor. In obedience to the Lord’s command, they turned their earthly patrimony into heavenly treasure. My dear brothers, let all our longing be to join them as soon as we may."
...I had to stop and sit with this entire paragraph for a long while.
You do realize, I consistently emphasize the "relationship" of faith and the "community" of heaven because I've never known either of those things? They are still completely new, shocking, even scary truths to me-- not concepts, TRUTHS. They are REALITIES and so I must fully, truly, freely accept & embrace them. But first... I need to come to terms with the reality of them at all. I am willing to accept it, as it is God's Good Will, but... that acceptance must be an educated one, a conscious and informed one. So... with all these new ideas, these startling wonders, I have to recover from the impact first. I have to process the blow, however benevolent it is. It still sent me reeling.
1)
2)


"May God see our desire, may Christ see this resolve that springs from faith, for He will give the rewards of His love more abundantly to those who have longed for Him more fervently."
1) ...This is where this aggressive emotional numbness, whatever the cause, becomes fatal. It shuts down all desires. And yes, it's ACTIVE. I know I desire to reach heaven with the saints, it when I try to feel it, it triggers a terror response and buries it??? Is it afraid of the wanting? Or the community?
2) ...oh. That bolded sentence is immediately anesthetized. It's the "longing" for a PERSON.
"Longing" is automatically labeled as "sexually perverse." My brain cannot understand it in any other context.
...



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Churchpop hit me STRAIGHT IN THE HEART with this message =

"...technology is rapidly developing. While we currently use every tool manageable to spread the Gospel of Christ on social media via photos, reels, articles, or posts, AI provides another opportunity to reach new audiences, [and with it] we can find new opportunities to evangelize... This new AI short film from EWTN Norway creatively encompasses how we can take technology and use it to spread the will of God... As EWTN Norway uses this new AI technology for evangelization, they are truly following Saint Paul's example. Saint Paul saw where people gathered, went to them, and preached the Gospel in a way they would understand. As the living, breathing Church, through our Baptism, we are called to be messengers of Christ and point people to Him in everything we do. As an apostle of Christ, Saint Paul spread the glorious message of everlasting life by willingly meeting people where they are. People cannot love and know the Lord if they’ve never heard of Him. Some people may see these AI videos and understand the Gospel for the first time. Maybe these encounters will be the first time someone who has strayed from the Church is encouraged to come back, being reminded of God’s persistent love. Technology may change, but the Lord and His goodness remain the same. Our Christian duty also remains the same– go to the people and tell the Good News."

THAT'S WHAT GOD WANTS US TO DO WITH THE "LEAGUE"!!!
I KNOW IT, HE MUST, WE WOULDN'T KEEP HEARING THIS MESSAGE OTHERWISE-- AND WE WOULDN'T FEEL THIS POWERFUL A HEART RESPONSE TO IT EVERY TIME OTHERWISE!!
STOP BURYING YOUR TALENTS!!!!!!

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SCRUPULOSITY BLINDSIDING US WITH ACCURACY AGAIN =

"Many people who hold the “dangerous God” paradigm have experienced spiritual trauma of some form. This also influences our picture of God... we sometimes project our experience onto God, leading us to have the same feelings about God that we have for those judgmental or abusive people=
“God is dangerous. If I make a wrong step, He will harm me. In fact, maybe it’s too late and God hates me already. I need to be careful so that nothing bad happens.”
Remember, these are usually not conscious beliefs. They are feelings that influence our behavior— feelings that you may have never stopped to think about before... [and] your feelings about God are different from what you know to be true."
1) ...oh man I was never "ALLOWED" to even think about fearing the people who were "spiritually harmful" towards me, as a child OR as an adult; is that WHY I've apparently projected my "feelings of DANGER" ONTO GOD??
Realize that God is THE ultimate "spiritual authority," and therefore every human who holds a similar role in our life, especially as a child, will inevitably influence how we see and understand God. It's the exact same thing with fathers & mothers-- kids with absent or abusive fathers will not be able to comprehend God's Fatherhood unless & until they gain a proper human "mirror" of it in their life! Same thing with absent/abusive mothers making one incapable of understanding Mary's role, OR the Church itself, unless/until a proper human mirrors that tangibly in their life. THIS IS WHY WE CHRISTIANS FIGHT SO HARD TO DEFEND THE FAMILY. THIS IS WHY EVERYTHING IN SOCIETY HINGES ON THE FAMILY. It sounds blasphemous to say "you need a human mirror" instead of saying "just learn from the Source! Don't look for a middleman!" But then you're disparaging the Incarnation, and the Church. We need God and people. AS people we ARE the Body of Christ. Et cetera. A child cannot grasp the mere idea of God, but it knows what a mother is. Is that mother teaching the child about God by being a mother? Because THAT'S THE POINT. Marriage is a Sacrament and parenthood is a Vocation FOR A REASON.
But I digress. Our "personal picture of God" is sketched in heavy strokes very early in our lives, in the only colors & shapes a child can recognize-- those of other people, of family. And if that sketch is grossly inaccurate, the child will not know this.
But the child instinctively will not want to hate his parents. And the child will have no other definition of "normal."
But the subconscious knows. And the only higher authority than Mother and Father is God. So the confusion & fear & hurt & anger all go in that direction-- to a Parent unseen, a perfect substitute for the faces the child won't admit, and yet speaking with their words & voices. God ceases to be God; to that spiritually damaged child, "God" is just another name for wound.
...
2)


"How do we cope when we feel helpless in the shadow of a powerful and dangerous God? Ironically, we try to control every detail of our lives to appease this capricious God, resorting to ritualistic behavior such as counting, mantra-like Scripture recitation, or repetitive prayers. For example: Avery believed that she had to visualize each person of the Godhead in order to feel authentic when praying. If she failed to get it right, she would force herself to start all over. Sometimes, Avery would pray the same section of her prayer a dozen times before getting it “right.” Getting her prayer “just right” was the only way she felt safe enough to go to sleep at night. Despite knowing that God is love, she couldn’t manage to feel safe in His Presence."
THIS IS LITERALLY MY EXACT PROBLEM!!!!!
IT'S  WHY IT TAKES ME OVER AN HOUR TO SAY A ROSARY AND I'M ON EDGE THE WHOLE TIME.
1) I had to look up definitions for "appeasement" of a "capricious" God, as I'm unfamiliar with both those terms. To appease means to pacify or placate, to make peace, to be reconciled. It assumes a state in opposition to those things-- anger, discontent, rejection, threats-- that will likely not change without this action? And capricious means fickle, changing the mind suddenly or "without apparent motive", erratic. Now I definitely feel like I have to appease God, or divinity in general, but I don't know if "capricious" is the right word for how I see divinity regarding me? I see God as consistently displeased with me, ashamed to call me His child. God is always giving me a disdainful frown, always suspicious of me, never happy. I always let Him down, I always annoy and irritate Him, I never do what He wants in the way He wants it. I am a perpetual disappointment. It doesn't change on a whim; it is a constant disposition.
2) ALL MY BEHAVIORS ARE RITUALISTIC.
3)

"This paradigm presents a very twisted and unbiblical picture of the character of God. Avery viewed God as unsafe, so she attempted to manipulate God by her rituals in order to feel like she was in a safe place with Him. To her, God was capricious and unpredictable— out to punish her if she failed in any small detail... We know God is love. We know He is trustworthy. But deep down — deeper than we may have analyzed up till this point — we are terrified of God and we believe He hates us. And so our compulsions become tools to manipulate. Our obsessions are a way we try to protect ourselves... Relating to God in this way is incredibly traumatic. In fact, it’s the same way that people in abusive relationships relate to their abusers. They seek to placate the abusive person in hopes of feeling some sense of security."
Most notably? I SEE MARY IN THIS WAY EVEN MORESO. That makes perfectly awful sense considering my upbringing.
It's nowhere near as bad as it used to be, but... this fear of her still happens.
...


"Overcoming the idea that “God hates me” involves putting trust in who God really is... Though we may not be able to understand everything about God—[especially] when clouds seem to darken our understanding—we can know with certainty that His character is trustworthy. He proclaims Himself as a God who is “merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin” (Exodus 34:6, 7). God is not a fickle deity who changes how He feels about us depending on "His mood" on a given day."
1) ...so THAT'S what they meant by "capricious". How ironic. We DO feel that way, despite having PERSONALLY PREACHED THIS VERY PRINCIPLE REPEATEDLY OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS. "Trust God's Character!!" we declare, and then completely screwing up the definitions of His description. What a coward we've been. We've been afraid to face the fact that God DOESN'T "bully us out of goodness & mercy" because then we'd have to apply that correction to ALL OUR HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS, including how we treat ourself.
God doesn't hate me. So I can't hate myself. And I don't know how to deal with that, when ALL my upbringing and malformed conscience are screaming "IF YOU DON'T HATE YOUR SINFUL SELF YOU WILL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL,YOU NARCISSISTIC SLUT!!!" et cetera.
...
2) God's Words do not change. His SELF-REVELATION does NOT change. God said, "I am merciful," and therefore HE IS MERCIFUL TO YOU-- and no, not just in the sense of "I didn't kill you yet"! Because His Mercy occurs IN TANDEM WITH ALL THESE OTHER DESCRIPTIVE VIRTUES!! God is merciful AND gracious AND longsuffering AND good AND true! But that means nothing to you, does it? I'll tell you why-- because you set the bar so bloody low for yourself. You literally BELIEVE that the MOST MERCIFUL THING POSSIBLE is to not kill you where you stand. That's it. Anything "nicer" than that isn't mercy, it's flagrant injustice.
...
3)


"Learning to trust God— I mean, really trust God, at a deep and visceral level— means we have to stop blabbing those praise lyrics and come face to face with how we honestly feel towards God. Sometimes it isn’t pretty. Often we’ll dig out some nasty spiritual skeletons from the closet. And that’s okay. We’re moving forward. We are learning what it really means to trust."
DO YOU SEE THAT, YOU BLOODY BLIND THRISKEFONI???????
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT DISHONEST CHATTERBOXES THAT DON'T ACTUALLY TRUST GOD AT ALL!!!!! YOU'RE THE EXACT THING YOU'RE RUNNING FROM, YOU HELLBOUND HYPOCRITES!!!!!


"[But] God does not hate us. In fact, He loves us more than any earthly father or mother ever could. As we re-orient ourselves to God in this way, He will become a safe place instead of a dangerous one. This healthy picture of God’s love for us and our position as His children will open a way for us to grow spiritually and learn how to overcome our religious OCD. Then, we can begin to take big steps forward in healing!"
...I think, to understand this AND to have it help us at all, we need to deal with that first sentence.
Despite having genuine "hopes" and "unmet needs" for what we instinctively wish we got from our parents in terms of love, the VERY THOUGHT of BEING "loved" BY parents is TERRIFYING. Isn't that strange? It's like... the cognitive dissonance would be so jarring that it would be disturbing. That's so sad.
But... we can't think of God as a PARENT, AT ALL, UNTIL we clean this up. "Parenthood" towards us is scary.
...
...Times like this I really wish Jay was still around like he used to be, before he broke. He wanted to be a father. He UNDERSTOOD what it meant.
...Still. We could never be a child to anyone, because of what THAT entailed, because of our personal experience of it.
That's a key distinction. We need to reflect on that somberly.
We MUST "become like a child" to get to heaven, and that's fine if childhood was a standalone phenomenon, which we admittedly DID experience it as AS A SYSTEM at that age, to a very real extent. But... the thought of having parents is what makes us shake with fear.
Pray about this. Please.

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