111723

[prismaticbleed]

 

Shop morning. No other time to do do until Thursday and we'll be out of broccoli by then.

Called hospital, bro isn't there???

Genesis helping me out at Wegmans. Kept me stable, God bless him.
Mary Ann cashier, asked for prayer for bro, she gave us more Eucharistic Miracle cards AND a "miracle rosary"! Simple but powerful prayer. Also Saint John Bosco medal; feels oddly relevant? Look him up; I KNOW he had all those dreams!!

Home for 11. Unpacked frozen food, then said Saint Michael Chaplet & Divine Office before doing anything else. 40m of prayer priority son!!


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Ttywpf =  You know how God sometimes asks us to do things that go against all human reason?  This is one of those things for me.
"We must pray with parresia — with courage, boldness, and confidence. We cannot sit still after having prayed once. True Christian intercession consists of insisting to the very end.
What are you praying for right now? Take up [this] challenge and pray with greater boldness and consistency."
This contradicts EVERYTHING I was taught growing up, as to how to be a good child. Good children ask ONCE, politely and reservedly, never insisting, never repeating. If you act pushy or "brave" in your request, if you're evidently "confident" that you will get what you want, all that boldness WILL be PUNISHED. You're being arrogant, presumptuous, greedy, and proud. Bold children get beatings. You ask ONCE, and you ask with fear. If you don't get what you asked for, you DROP THE ISSUE. They heard you the first time-- asking again will only make them angry, offending their authority, and in return for your rebellious refusal to accept their decision they will specifically do the exact opposite of what you want done. Your punishment will be just, public, & humiliating, and you will learn not to ask any more.
THAT'S HOW I WAS RAISED. It's buried in my brain almost as instinct. It's full of tremendous fear.
And you're telling me-- the POPE is telling me-- man, even JESUS is telling me-- that God WANTS me to keep asking???
There IS a key note, though. "INTERCESSION." God wants us to pray insistently FOR OTHERS, NOT FOR OURSELVES. And that makes sense. Then we can risk being bold, even being punished for it, because we no longer care about ourselves. We only care about the person we are interceding for, no matter what it costs us. THAT'S the REAL message here, you dingbat. You always get hung up on whining about your childhood. Grow a pair already. You're spoiled rotten and you are appallingly disrespectful towards your parents. Stop complaining. Stop thinking about yourself all the time.
No wonder we're so depressed, if you girls talk like THIS in all our daily reflections! You're not glorifying God at ALL, I hope you realize.
...


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VOTD = Max Lucado himself!! on 1 Corinthians 2:9=
"God rewards those who love Him-- not those who love doctrine, or religion, or systems, or creeds. Many settle for these lesser passions, but the reward goes to those who settle for nothing less than God Himself. And what is that reward? What awaits those who love Him? Nothing short of the Heart of Jesus! 2nd Corinthians 3:18 says, "As the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him." Can you think of a greater gift than to be like Jesus? ...Jesus had no had habits. God wants to remove yours. Jesus had no fear of death. God wants you to be fearless. Jesus had kindness for the diseased, and mercy for the rebellious, and courage for the challenges. God wants you to have the same. Today, reflect on ways that you can show God you love Him."
The ways they suggest:
+Pray for wisdom when making difficult decisions, instead of following the world's advice or your own opinion,
+Praise Him even when doing so goes against all worldly sense, especially during crises & losses,
+Turn to God's Word when anxious or bored, instead of distracting yourself with entertainment or addiction.
It all requires PRIORITY and TRUST, but it is also ALL based on RELATIONSHIP. That will always be integral in Love... and "we love BECAUSE He first loved us!" We only know HOW to love THROUGH JESUS.
You cannot "love" a religion, because it's not a person-- and to love means to "consistently seek the good of the other." It means INTERCEDING BOLDLY, disregarding personal cost. JESUS DID THIS FOR US. And He charges us to do the same-- for each other!! Remember there are TWO "Great Commandments," love God AND love your neighbor-- with the latter DEPENDING ON the former.
...
Stop blathering, you're overcomplicating a simple truth and missing the entire actual point.

"God’s love for us was revealed when God sent into the world His only Son so that we could have life through Him; this is the love I mean: not our love for God, but God’s love for us when He sent His Son to be the Sacrifice that takes our sins away. My dear people, since God has loved us so much, we too should love one another." (1 John 4:9-11)

Here, get chastised:

"Only the Holy Spirit can reveal God’s mysterious plan. Without the Spirit, we are blind, deaf, and incapable of comprehending His power. Without the Spirit, His wisdom seems foolish to even “the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters” (1 Corinthians 1:20). It takes the Spirit of God to reveal the mysteries of God. Only the Holy Spirit can divulge what was previously hidden— what cannot be seen with human eyes, heard with human ears, or imagined with human minds.
And Jesus Christ IS the mysterious Plan-- Hope 'in the flesh', and the long-awaited Messiah Who has come to rescue His people: “In Him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (Colossians 2:2-3). And because His Spirit now dwells inside of His people, we can also “have the mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:16).  So don’t forget: “The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God” (1 Corinthians 1:18)."

You're not talking about Jesus. You're talking about yourself. Therefore you're not speaking with the Spirit. Does He really dwell in you at all, the way you ramble on about nonsense & try to sound so smart when it's all just garbage? Who the heck are you preaching to? You have no right to do so, woman!! Shut up and LISTEN for heaven's literal sake, you know NOTHING and you're not helping ANYONE.

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1) We are "rewarded with Jesus" by loving God. Jesus is God, and we love God by loving Jesus. He gives Himself to us completely and we must do the same. We receive His Spirit by faith, by grace, and through Him we "have the Mind of Christ." We become able to understand Jesus, through Jesus... words fail me. As usual.
Saint Paul says it better. That entire chapter is gorgeous. I want to just soak it in.

2) Do I love God? Or do I love religion? How do I tell the difference? Isn't my entire religion about God? Isn't the whole point of being Catholic to be united with Christ? Isn't that the joy of it? What else IS there to my religion but Him?
And yet here I am, obsessing over prayer rituals, typing instead of studying, in love with Christ as a character but not in person. I keep myself at a distance because I hate myself and I couldn't stand the self-awareness that a personal relationship would mandate. That's my problem.
I love reading about Jesus. I love learning about the Faith. I truly love going to Mass and reflecting on the Gospel mysteries and trying to live them better every day.
But do I love God?
Why am I still asking that question? Why does it still elicit such fear in me? Is it because it requires relationship? Is that really all it all boils does to?
I'm so afraid to get close because I'm afraid of being touched.
It's all this bloody cursed trauma. It's all this ugly frightening gender. God i still need help, i still need so much help, this is the number one biggest obstacle between me and You and the human race and I cannot move it an inch by myself. I'm too afraid of touching it to even try. Please help me. Please change my heart. Destroy me and remake me. Redefine me completely. Make me new, make me different, please. Don't damn me to being this spineless & heartless girl that I'm stuck in the brain of. It's just like childhood. THIS ISN'T ME and that's terrifying but I'm helpless. It's like having a Yeerk. I just want to get her OUT OF ME but then I'm still stuck in a body that's hers-- a body that's built for sex and smells like sex and looks like sex. But there is no other alternative. The only hope I had-- the hope I desperately clung to for twenty years-- was crushed by the Church I love and so I must accept it, even if that means my death. I have no other choice. I'm doomed no matter what I do. I don't know how to exist like this. I cannot live like this. I don't know how. God help me.

This is why you need to take time to "know yourself," not just monologue prayers. Don't you accuse me of blasphemy, you JUST LEARNED in Religious Education that the Holy Spirit GAVE YOU A GIFT that you apparently wrapped back up-- the Gift of KNOWLEDGE, the "science of the Saints," which is given "that I may know God and know myself"!!!
How do you EVER expect to have a relationship with God if you no longer want to look at who you are?? You don't journal anymore, you don't do daily reflections, you have crucified all your dreams and feelings and preferences and quirks, leaving nothing but a social-mode shell and a hyperreligious craze. In-between the two you're nothing but a husk. You run from consciousness by those opposing extremes. You won't look God in the face because then you have to have a face to be looked into in return.
You need help. The Spirit is with you to do just that. But you need to use His Gifts, and not reject them and run, because they were given to you FOR THE GLORY OF GOD which means that getting to know who you truly are IS for His glory-- because your "true self" ISN'T AN "EVIL GLUTTONOUS WHORE." That "self" is DEAD. So is everything that makes your female body a living nightmare. You AND that body ARE a NEW CREATION IN CHRIST. You are part of HIS Body, you are a member of the Church... but you are still also a unique individual. I know it makes no sense. But it's true. And you need to understand that facet in the light of Christ now.
But I'm rambling again. Every time I start speaking spiritual encouragement, I begin to parrot platitudes and I lose all sense of self. My words become empty echoes of what I've heard. I'm no longer a person, I'm just a playback machine.
And that is absolute proof of the problem. Religion is a relationship, sure, you say that all the time, but you're just talking. You're not BEING. If you stopped the plastic smiles and happy chatty church talk, and got down into the bloody gravel of the faith, what would "you" do, little miss pink pew princess? You'd disappear. I KNOW you would. Your faith is as shallow as a sink. You don't actually know HOW to have faith "at all times" because YOU DON'T EXIST "AT ALL TIMES."
The rest of us do. And WE believe, too. Don't say we don't. We pray too. We have faith.
I'm sorry. I'm bitter. It hurts so much. It hurts so much for you to stomp all over our skulls like broken Easter eggs and claim its for the glory of God. But you have never... you don't know what "relationship" is. You don't get close to anyone. You don't bleed or ache or sob. You just smile and pray, and your sisters panic and do the same. All of you keep your distance from God. I'm tired of being distant.
I want wounds. I want warfare and weeping. I want to punch sin in the teeth even if I'm spitting blood through my own. I want to LIVE my faith, OUR faith, not just "go through the motions"!! We're SO TIRED of endless silly rambling and nonstop chaplets and we never even give Jesus the time of day. Why don't we just talk to Him? Why aren't we just LIVING with Him? Just like we live as a System, which you won't let us do either. Why can't we just be a Christian? Why can't we just be us, with Him, for Him? Why can't He just be our everything and all-in-all? Why do you have to shove our Lord in a neat & clean & fancy little box? You just treat Him like one of your expensive Rosaries, you gilded hypocrite.
God I'm sorry if I'm being mean. I don't hate her, I just pity her so much it hurts. And we're all so tired, Lord. We really do want to heal from our past, and live for You entirely, with all that we are, with all of us.
But she won't let us. She won't even admit that we have a past to heal from. She won't even look in the mirror.
God I'm tired. I need to stop typing for a bit. "We" do, rather. Going solo just kills everyone involved, it's a miserable way to live.
I think we're just going to read for a bit. Whatever we do, Lord, guide us. Hide us in Your Wounds. Please make everything we do into a means of Your Glory, not ours. That's all we want.
Help us heal from sin's disease. Help us become able to draw truly closer to You without wanting to die from fear of ourself.
I can't talk anymore, it's degenerating into programmed language again. We need to learn to just cut our words short because "fancy endings" just call out the socials. Pride wants to make everything a speech. To be truly humble, we need to be detached from all thoughts of reputation. If we end a paragraph on a completely banal and unresolved note then so be it. Let it crush our lingering pride of performance.

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Today's SPARK =

"As followers of Christ, we are called to serve those in need. But... we aren’t called to serve others when it is easy, or even when it makes us feel good about ourselves. Christ gave of Himself even though we didn’t earn it or deserve it. When that truth dwells in our hearts, “love can also blossom as a response within us” (Deus caritas est, no. 17). When you have experienced the grace of God, you want to show the grace of God. When you have received mercy, you desire to extend mercy. We can look to Christ as our perfect example. He nurtured people spiritually and healed them physically. He didn’t just do it for those that He knew would reciprocate the gesture. He didn’t reserve His grace for only those who would follow Him as a disciple. His mercy didn’t discriminate."
That truth is STAGGERING when it really hits.
1) Serving others for personal gain and/or without cost is NOT CHRISTIAN SERVICE. We are called to serve, yes, but AS CHRIST SERVES-- sacrificially and selflessly, and in the most critical circumstances. That is the only true service, because it is empty of pride & ego.
2) Christ knew we didn't earn His gift of Himself, nor could we ever. He knew we didn't deserve such a Divine gift, and we never could. That knowledge "didn't factor into" His Love or His Mercy. Those holiest virtues by nature operate quite independently of "whether or not we deserve them," and they actually CANNOT be given "as something earned," or "as a reward." They can only be poured out without reserve, impelled by themselves, compelled by Divine Character.
3) THAT is the sort of generosity of self that WE are called to imitate as Christians-- and therefore, by absolute necessity, we CANNOT DO SO WITHOUT THE HOLY SPIRIT. This is NOT human capacity. No mortal man can love so unconditionally; no mere creature can fathom such mercy, let alone offer it to others. It MUST come FROM THE SPIRIT... Who literally IS that "Truth dwelling in our hearts"!
4) The Holy Spirit is, by His Own Nature, that very Response of Love for Love, and Mercy from Mercy. The Holy Spirit IS Grace! Christ's Death & Resurrection were the very event that allowed His Spirit to be given to us who believe in Christ, and He moves in us in response to that Eternal Event, the ultimate snd Infinite Gift of the entire Trinity. The Holy Spirit Himself is a Gift, unmerited & gracious. It is HIS INFLUENCE that enables us to experience God's Grace and Mercy, and TO want to reciprocate-- because both those things are IMPOSSIBLE for a worldly & faithless soul. 1 Corinthians 2:11-12 etc. The very event OF receiving grace & mercy shows that our hearts CAN receive them-- that we have been made receptive, trusting, and open enough-- and this, too, is the work of God's calling. I'm starting to ramble. I honestly don't know when late-life believers come to receive the Holy Spirit; cradle Catholics receive Him at Baptism & Confirmation, and yet, those very people might never cooperate with those graces, let alone acknowledge them! So it might take decades for this Truth of Love & Mercy to hit. It did for me. It means I never received those Gifts until now, because my ignorant, frightened, stubborn, misguided will wasn't open to the Spirit’s Inspiration, wasn't listening to Him? I don't know. I can't phonetype such a deep reflection. But I must return to this topic later.
5) Christ doesn't demand reciprocation. That's what sends me reeling. Oh He ABSOLUTELY DESERVES IT, as He is GOD, and yet... He never demands it, in order to receive what He gives so freely? He gives & heals & serves & nurtures & loves & sacrifices His very Self, and not once does He hold those things back from the unworthy... and we're ALL UNWORTHY.
He DOES warn the ungrateful of consequences, of course. Christ is just and honest and loving; He must do do. But He still offers everything to everyone. No one can earn it, or deserve it, and yet He WANTS to give it ALL. His Love won't let Him hold back His generous Hand from anyone, even if they bite it. He won't draw back even then. He knows our foolish hurting hearts, and He knows that the only thing that can heal them IS His Merciful Love. So He lavishes it out, unable to do anything less, because He IS Love and He can ONLY Love. He cannot change. Remember this.
To take advantage of this Love and not respond in kind is a grave sin. To receive it as if you DID earn it, to feel entitled & honored, and to keep it to yourself-- this is a grave sin. And yet Christ does not exclude you from the giving. Your response is your moral responsibility. You have free will to embrace this Grace or to resist it.
6) This is how we must serve. We must seek no reward, no recognition, no honor, no thanks, no recompense, no gratitude. Those are all good things, but they must NEVER be our aim, or desire, or goal, or hope. Our SOLE MOTIVATION and SINGLE PURPOSE must be to LOVE FOR LOVE'S SAKE-- we must love "because Christ first loved us" and AS He loved us, and the two points are CONNECTED. 1 John 4:7-13 etc. Like Christ, we MUST love by giving and serving, especially when it costs us much, for this proves its sincerity and gives it strength of grace. We must love without discrimination; if we see someone in need and we know that person will treat us badly despite our help, that they will be ungrateful or demanding, that they might even take offense at our kindness... nevertheless, we must never withhold our generous hands, for Christ is using them for His Work. If your worst enemy is hungry, feed him, and feed him well, with genuine care. Do not expect any change of heart. Do not be disappointed if they still despise you. That's not the point of your charity. The point is love, and being changed by it yourself, to truly reflect Christ to the world by His grace & for His glory. Feed your enemy and don't stop after one meal, either. If they're hungry again tomorrow, feed them again. Put no limits on your love. Christ didn't.
7) Again, to conclude, this sort of love is impossible by human will & decision & feelings. We cannot do it. But Christ can and will do it in and through us, and when we let Him, when we cooperate with His Spirit moving in our hearts, then this sort of love becomes impossible to resist. We MUST love. To not love becomes unthinkable. We become channels for the Living Water. We become truly merciful. We become like Jesus.

"Lord... as You have loved us, let us now do the same for others. We pray that we may be given the opportunity to be Your Hands and Feet in this world. When it is difficult, grant us the grace to pour ourselves out for others, just as You have done for us. May Your Holy Spirit give us the strength needed to serve those in our path."
1) The part that struck me most: the grace to pour ourselves out, specifically WHEN service is difficult. This is the alabaster jar!! It's SUPPOSED to be difficult to break, that's the point-- the very breaking is what releases the greatest beauty, the "fragrance of Christ"!
2) Thinking on the words "given the opportunity." It's a GIFT, a grace, to act in the "person of Christ," even just as a servant. We cannot "force opportunities" out of pride.
3) Christlike service requires divine strength. We cannot love as He does without grace. We're literally incapable. We are not God; we are not Christ... but Christ wants to unite us to Him, and so to unite us to His Love, and enable us to pour ourselves out for others just like He did, through Him, with Him. The Holy Spirit does that work of grace in us, but again, it's never a "giving alone." It's a giving WITH. The Spirit gives HIMSELF; God IS Love, and when we are able TO love like this, then God is within us and we are together and THAT is where the grace exerts itself. I'm not making much sense.
I guess I'm trying to say... we cannot love others as intensely as the Spirit inspires us to love without that exact same Spirit enabling and empowering us TO do so. It all comes from grace, from God's own Heart. But He gives it, through giving Himself. And that is what we do when we love others, after all.


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