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[prismaticbleed]

 

Allergy panic HELL.
Looked up garlic symptoms, got LUPUS SCARE????
Actually ordered an online intolerance test. Now I'm panicking about the prep. It's ridiculous. But I've decided to do it all on Monday.
Besides now I will have ACTUAL DATA, that I can compare to old tests, to check consistency.
God can still use this for my good and His Glory. I just need to keep putting it into His Hands. I must surrender entirely.
But my thoughts are my worst enemy.

Almost passed out on bike???

Mom call distraction. That's one of my biggest sins I've noticed.

CONVINCED we were going to DIE if we ate the carrots. Literally shaking & panicked sobbing over it.

Accidentally burnt the eggs, again, from dissociatedly messing up the cooking temperature. Ate them anyway as penance. Reminding ourself that our soul could've been burnt instead.


Evening =
Library printed the intolerance test packing slip, now we don't have to worry and can mail it Monday.

Panic setting in DURING MASS. It really has to be the color of the twilight, but there's still that "you are going to die violently and imminently" terror. WHY. What is in our history that caused this??

Holy Spirit pushed us to make a House stop to get old Suzuki books & B's extra sketchbooks
Being there SHOOK US UP?? Our brain ACTUALLY REGRESSED CHRONOLOGICALLY. It was bizarre. We can never stay "conscious" there, our immediate memories of the visits feel as unreal as dreams, and we never know WHO we are there. Worst of all, then we get the "shivering flashbacks" for the rest of the day, and we can't relax or focus.
Which is why it took us 30m to get undressed when we got home, and then we immediately biked at high resistance for 40m to "cauterize" our brain. Biking is the only thing that staves off panic attacks. It's why we used to run laps all the time when we did live at the house, plus night biking. Man. We never realized it was a COPING MECHANISM. Arguably so was the bloody eating disorder,  in its own awful way. But that's not a discussion topic for tonight! Right now we're too darn scared of dying from eating these carrots, seriously WHAT THE HECK.

...
God FINALLY had mercy and LET US SIT DOWN tonight. Our body is DEVASTATINGLY EXHAUSTED.
Lord please get us through tomorrow.

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ttywpf = Read it during intense carrot panic. Hit like a blow. I must paste the whole thing for full impact.
"God thinks like the Samaritan who did not pass by the unfortunate man, [not simply] pitying him or looking at him from the other side of the road, but helped him without asking for anything in return; without asking whether he was a Jew, a pagan, or a Samaritan, whether he was rich or poor: he asked for nothing. He went to help him: God is like this. God thinks like the Shepherd who lays down His life in order to defend and save His sheep."
"How does God exceed our understanding of love and forgiveness? In what ways have you seen Him go above and beyond your expectations to help you? How can you live out this model of mercy?"
I need to break this down bit by bit.
1) God sees us bleeding on the road and He does NOT pass us by. EVER. But even more striking than that, what I STRUGGLE with, is the FACT that God ALSO DOESN'T JUST "STAND THERE AND WATCH." Yes, He sees me. Yes, He stops and doesn't just keep walking. I can grasp that much. But then I feel like God just looks at me from the other side of the road. "I pity your sad state, but there's nothing I should do, because you deserved these injuries," is what I fear He says. But by writing it out I KNOW it's false. God has too tender a Heart to ever just feel a distanced pity. No, God ACTS.
2) God IMMEDIATELY HELPS with "everything at His disposal," like the Good Samaritan, holding nothing back, sparing no expense or effort.
3) GOD ASKS FOR NOTHING IN RETURN. Think about this. Sure, gratitude and honor are just responses, but God does not "ask for them." He leaves it up to our free will. That's not the biggest point, though-- the point is that God SEEKS NO REWARD OR BENEFIT. He needs no recompense, needs no recognition. He seeks only one thing: TO HELP. His motivation is utterly pure and loving, always.
4) GOD DOES NOT "ASK IF YOU DESERVE IT"-- either the beating or the healing!!! He NEVER puts conditions on His compassion. "Sorry, but you're a pagan; I can't help you, it'll be scandalous!" NO. HE NEVER SAYS THAT.
5) I reiterate: God comes to us to help us. Pure and true and simple.
6) THE SHEPHERD EXAMPLE is STAGGERING. I actually never considered how sheep CANNOT "give back" ANYTHING to their Shepherd for saving them!! The Good Shepherd literally DIES to protect them, and they are just "dumb and foolish animals" who may not even realize they HAVE been "died for." They can't say thanks, they can't recompense, they can't eulogize him, nothing. Sheep are just sheep. But the Shepherd loves them and sacrifices Himself for them regardless of their response, because of His love.
...
7) God exceeds my expectations because my expectations are disturbingly unloving. That actually shocks me into asking, "then what the heck IS my understanding of love and forgiveness???"
...
...
8) ...God constantly goes above and beyond my expectations because I expect His "help" to be... punishment, or exacerbation, or just watching from the side of the road. When I ask for help I literally "expect" Him to say, "my NOT doing anything IS helping you!" "NOT comforting or consoling you IS what you need most!" "The best way TO help you is actually to give you MORE suffering!" And those ARE VALID RESPONSES. The problem is, there's no alternative. There's NEVER an option for gentleness, because "I AM being gentle with you; if I wasn't, you'd be in the ER right now."
...
9) How can I model this. Yes, me. How can I live out this mercy I have received?
Step one: recognize that you have received mercy. I mean REAL mercy. Disentangle it from fear & terror that it is "only temporary," or "conditional," or "an exception."
You seem to fail to realize that real mercy requires love. Only through love can mercy admit the undeserving state of the recipient and gently set it aside, because mercy exists to triumph over justice alone. Mercy and love see farther & deeper. They count no cost and keep no score. They both exult in giving themselves liberally, freely, without fine print or conditions. They are the glory of God and God alone, for they flow from His Heart.
...


abbodfer = "Your brain us your greatest weapon. Protect it!"
Immediately my brain thinks of this image, haha.
...

MDE = one about consecrated life, the other about Saint Gemma and her amazing love for Christ in the Eucharist. Both really hit hard, both convicted me of pride & fear, both gave me hope that God can still change me. Both moved me with the absolute beauty and power of REAL LOVE, which CAN ONLY COME FROM GOD and which ALSO CAN ONLY BE FELT FOR GOD!!!

About the nuns=
"One of the most thrilling, beautiful and heroic scenes that I have ever been privileged to witness is that of the consecration of a young lady to Christ— the scene of a nun’s religious profession. The entire consecration is spread between two ceremonies; between the two is interposed the period of her novitiate. She enters the chapel for the first time clothed as a lovely bride, white-robed, veiled, carrying a gorgeous bouquet in her arms. She comes forth for the second time a somber nun, clothed in black, her body entirely garmented except for her face. She has almost lost her identity, even to the extent of changing her name. Now she is called Sister. But the sister of whom? The sister of Him Who is called the First-born of all the brethren, our Brother, Jesus Christ. The human being has suffered a mystical death; there is born of that act of consecration a new being, a spouse and lover of the divine Christ.
This act of consecration of a nun, this transformation, usually takes place during Holy Mass. It is a sacrifice within a sacrifice: a small Calvary erected side by side with the mystic Calvary of Christ. This act of consecration and change, this transformation takes place at Mass because it is through the Mass that each of us can and must be changed into the likeness of Christ. Through the Mass we must "put on Christ" that we may be able to say: “I live, now not I, but Christ lives in me.” And this transformation of us into Christ can be effected only by suffering and by sacrifice."
1) The identity loss is actually a paradox. She still has a name, but it is an echo of a saint and not of herself, utterly detached from her past and no longer even her primary mode of address.
2) This is HEROIC. 
3) She is now a Sister OF CHRIST. I somehow never realized this. But, this means she is also the Sister of EVERY Christian in the Body of Christ, in a special way?
4) The "mystical death" DIRECTLY RESULTS IN A "MYSTICAL BIRTH." Death is NEVER the end for a Christian!
5) Her death IS HER CONSECRATION, just like Christ.
6) She becomes a "SPOUSE & LOVER" THROUGH THIS "DEATH"???? I struggle so much to understand marital language in the church, but this is important.
...
7) The Mass parallel is strikingly beautiful & momentous. Each Mass is an event of "consecration, change, and transformation," and that happens THROUGH "suffering & sacrifice"-- literally through "mystical death," however "small", united with His.
...
8) THIS TRANSFORMATION AT EVERY MASS IS OF US BEING MADE INTO THE LIKENESS OF CHRIST. This is not a replacement or supplanting; this is no newage "Christ consciousness" heresy. There is ONLY ONE CHRIST, in all truth. Adam was not a deity, just because he was "in the likeness of God". This still applies to all humanity, no matter what modern humanism declares. Man is not God, and man cannot be God. But God became Man, in order to lift man up INTO God, through Himself alone. I don't know this well enough to talk about it. But, Christ is Present in every Mass, Present through His Sacrifice that reconciled all humanity to God and made us able TO be reborn, even recreated, in Christ's likeness.
9) Birth requires blood. That's the summary of it. If Christ had to bleed & die in order to redeem us-- if His Passion is an integral part of His Character, as it were-- then to be remade in His Likeness evidently requires that we must share His Passion. Again, I am too uneducated to discuss this further.
10) THIS TRANSFORMATION IS MANDATORY FOR ALL CHRISTIANS!! We cannot do it alone, we can barely fathom it. But we can go to Mass with this intention and offer ourselves wirh Him in a surrendering spirit of love. Christ will do His work in us. We just need to be willing to die as He did, and as this nun did, before we can be resurrected, reborn in His likeness, and able to love Him properly.


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VOTD = Numbers 6:24-26.
"For God’s Face to shine upon someone is for the grace & favor of God to be on them. But for this to happen, we need to be in relationship with God. We ought to spend time with God each day, learning from Him and receiving His grace through His Spirit... through a relationship with Jesus Christ, which is the primary way that God blesses us today. When we have faith in Jesus, we begin such a relationship with Him, and the Holy Spirit lives within us and empowers our new life."
1) Jesus Christ IS the "Face of God."
2) RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD IS ALWAYS BY COVENANT. This is the ONLY WAY we mortal creatures CAN be on such unique & close terms with Him. GOD MUST TAKE THE INITIATIVE.
3) We cannot keep the original covenant, due to sin. So now we can ONLY be "in a relationship" with God THROUGH JESUS? He IS the New and Eternal Covenant, IN HIMSELF, AS RELATIONSHIP?? He alone fulfills the Old in Himself and thereby sublimates it in His Person? THROUGH Him we enter into real relationship with the Father AND the Spirit!!
4) Also, not only IS Jesus God, as the Son, He is also HUMAN, and therefore CAN be in close relationship with humans???
5) We "spend time with God" through prayer, Scripture, Mass, and devotions such as Eucharistic Adoration. These are all literally direct ways to contact God,
6) RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS IS THE SOURCE AND MEANS OF BLESSINGS!!!!! This changes EVERYTHING and it annihilates the "prosperity gospel". When we seek and receive mercy, peace, comfort, justice, wisdom, truth, purpose, guidance, clarity, hope, love... ALL those SPIRITUAL blessings, which are REAL & ETERNAL, unlike temporary gifts, EXIST AND ARE BESTOWED WITHIN OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS, and will ALWAYS NECESSARILY BE REALIZED AND RECEIVED both THROUGH AND AS HIM. I cannot emphasize this enough.


The guided prayer is EXACTLY what the Ttywpf was talking about =
"God, thank You for blessing me and always keeping me near You. Thank You for looking upon me with delight and love. Thank You for showing me mercy. Thank You for seeing me through every challenge and bringing me peace."
1) Blessing= Count them. This is your gratitude list.
2) Keeping near= As Laurie always says to me... "Kid, I never leave." That's what God is like, infinitely moreso.
3) Delight in= This is SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND.
4) Look with Love= ...This is so beautiful it seems impossible.
5) Mercy shown= note the ACTIVE VERB. God doesn't just "talk mercy," He SHOWS IT. 
6) Seeing through challenges= You're not dead yet, right? Seriously, that is PROOF of God's faithful protection.
7) Peace= I love the verb "bringing" with this. It gives the feeling of unexpected generosity, of a surprise gift. It's like bringing flowers or a meal to someone sick. The very word "bring" suggests an anticipated yet unvoiced need graciously met.
...


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The KVOTD today was Psalm 136, simply yet strongly emphasizing GRATITUDE, notably that "thankfulness is a COMMAND, not a recommendation!" That's because our thankfulness DIRECTLY REFLECTS OUR TRUST IN GOD'S GOODNESS-- whether we have such trust or not. God doesn't change. He cannot change.
"We must be thankful at all times, not because of what we have or don't have, but simply because GOD IS GOOD."
That COMPLETELY shifts our focus OF gratitude, away from things & circumstances and onto GOD... JUST GOD. THAT'S the duty of a Christian!!
...actually oh my goodness I JUST REALIZED what Psalm this is!! We pray it in the Divine Office sometimes and it always strikes me as so interesting, worthy of meditation, because EVERY SINGLE LINE ends with "for His mercy endures forever," EVEN if the preceding line doesn't seem merciful to the mortal mind. BUT THAT'S THE DEPTH. THAT'S THE POINT! GOD NEVER CHANGES. No matter how we may debate or argue or question or doubt, HIS MERCY ENDURES FOREVER, and that mercy is therefore JUST AS OMNIPRESENT A PART OF GOD'S CHARACTER AS HIS JUSTICE.

The prayer today had some powerful insights =
"God, thank You for challenging me with Your Word today. Thankfulness isn't a feeling I experience-- it is a continuous choice I make every day! Please help me to choose to be thankful to You no matter what is going on around me. I know You deserve it."
1) What a beautiful opener. "Thank You for challenging me." THAT'S recognition of God's Character! But this recognition is deepened by the MODE of challenge-- GOD'S WORD. Truthfully, that's the ONLY WAY God will challenge us, because IT APPLIES TO EVERYTHING.
1.5) A challenge is etymologically an accusation, a charge of wrongdoing, a rebuke, a legal complaint. It is a calling-out of sin. That is EXACTLY what Scripture does, and for Christians that IS something to be grateful for-- because we have an ADVOCATE, a Great High Priest, a Redeemer, Who is ALSO our Just Judge. "He wounds, but He also heals." His Word which challenges us in our evil also points us to deliverance from the same. Note: a challenge is also, by definition, always difficult. A challenge also "calls us to fight"; it "calls us to account", forcing us to choose our ground and stand there. But where we plant our feet and flag depends on where our gratitude lies. If we thank God FOR challenging us, we will surrender to HIS side, and fight against our own sin, even at the expense of pride and comfort. But if we are ungrateful... then we will die on our molehill, claiming we are a mountain, and we will lose everything. God challenges us in order to PREVENT such doom.
2) GRATITUDE ISN'T A FEELING!! IT'S A CHOICE!! Oh man this is a GAME-CHANGER and it's PROFOUNDLY CONSOLING. It completely disarms emotion as a false standard of truth. It absolves struggling hearts from moral panic. It frees us from the prison of waiting on whims. Gratitude doesn't "just happen," it isn't inherently "warm and fuzzy," it's not "lost", and it IS POSSIBLE EVEN NOW. It's a posture of the heart. I finally understand that phrase! Real thankfulness is oriented SOLELY AND TOTALLY TOWARDS GOD, and when it is, then its INVINCIBLE.
3) We still need God's grace to do this. It isn't "humanly possible" otherwise.
4) God is always, perfectly, eternally, entirely Good. Therefore HE DESERVES OUR GRATITUDE. It's basic justice. If you need more "reason" as to why God deserves all our thanks, read the Bible. Go to Church. Look at nature. Hug your family. Take a deep breath. Et cetera. God gave you ALL OF THAT freely because He IS Good. Be humble, be joyful, and be grateful.


...There's been such a heavy and unignorable focus on relationship and gratitude lately, in our daily devotionals. The Holy Spirit is absolutely trying to get His point across. The two are mutually inclusive. I cannot have a true relationship with God if I'm too selfish, scared, or stupid to be actively grateful FOR HIM, not just what He does!! ALL of God's actions are a DIRECT EXPRESSION OF HIS CHARACTER. And if I'm still afraid He's waiting to crush me... then I don't properly know Him. I cannot properly thank Him, if I'm only thanking Him for "not killing me today." And if I cannot thank Him, because I don't truly know Him, then I cannot be in relationship with Him.
THIS IS A DEADLY WARNING. PAY ATTENTION.

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Finishing up that Catholic Answers article tonight.

"...we [ought] to care for the bodies of those we love, which they wore far more closely and intimately than any clothing! For the body is not an extraneous ornament or aid, but a part of man’s very nature."
I still am so new to this truth. Because yes, it's a TRUTH, not an idea or concept. The human body is SACRED and DESTINED FOR IMMORTALITY. It's not just junk flesh, it's not a prison, it's not "someone else who i happen to be trapped in." My soul is apparently BOUND to this thing BY DESIGN.
...Death does not turn the body into trash. It doesn't. That body may decompose but it is still marked forever as a Temple of God.
...

"Why do we worship the incarnate Jesus? After all, “the King of ages” is “immortal, invisible, the only God” (1 Tim. 1:17).  The people of the first century could no more see Jesus’ divine nature than we can see it today. They saw his humanity, and those who believed saw, through his humanity (so to speak), to his divinity... Jesus’ humanity is therefore both an image of his divinity and associated with his divinity. Colossians 1:15 says that Jesus “is the image of the invisible God, the first-born of all creation.” That’s the first reason we worship him in his humanity: his humanity is imprinted with divinity. But the second reason is that Jesus’ humanity is perfectly united to his divinity and that “we have been sanctified through the offering of the BODY of Jesus Christ once for all” (Heb. 10:10). In other words, his humanity is the instrument of our salvation. In that sense, it's... why we worship the Eucharist AS the Body of Christ. [Remember, ] we don’t worship... the Body of Christ as flesh. Rather, we worship God in (or through) [it]."
...DUDE WHAT
This is making me dizzy. It never ever even occurred to me that we DO worship His "Body", BECAUSE HE IS GOD INCARNATE.
1) ONLY God is worthy of worship.
2) Jesus is God. Jesus is ALSO a man.
3) Jesus "took on flesh," uniting His human soul & body TO HIS DIVINE PERSONHOOD.
4) Therefore, by this unity, Jesus's human Body is worthy of worship, but NOT AS just a body-- it is worthy ONLY because it is literally "made part of God," in the Person of the Son?? And so when we worship His Body we are directing that worship not to the Body as "flesh" but TO GOD, as through HIS Body of flesh BECAUSE IT'S UNITED WITH HIS DIVINITY???
Man this is rewiring my entire brain. This is amazing.
5) BUT THE EUCHARIST!!!!! Suddenly that gains even DEEPER meaning, as it IS JESUS'S BODY, and if the body is not extraneous but essential to one's being, if the body is made FOR the soul and CANNOT be separated from it even in death... then yes, suddenly the words "BODY, BLOOD, SOUL, AND DIVINITY" gain profounder depths-- that my mind cannot fully grasp at all, not yet. But now I can FEEL them. Now I know there IS MORE to it. Now I can meditate on it, pray about it, open my heart to learn more.
This is perfect timing, too, as we have Adoration off & on all day tomorrow for Christ the King.
6) Jesus's HUMANITY is the instrument of our salvation. That has me reeling. Even if I can only comprehend the bare surface of it yet, its true. His BODY was intrinsic to the Plan of Salvation. That same Body is inevitably eternal, permanently part of God, if only for the fact of the Cross. Our Redemption wasn't accomplished by the mere abstracted will of God. It wasn't won by Jesus's Soul alone. It REQUIRED HIS BODY, UNITED TO HIS SOUL, UNITED TO HIS DIVINITY. It was ALL essential, TOGETHER!
After all, don't forget the achingly important bit-- Jesus needed a Body in order to have a HEART, and in order to BLEED. He needed a Body so He could sacrifice it.
There's so much terrific beauty in that. I want to just contemplate it for a while.


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"Mary lived in the presence of Jesus. She paid attention to him. She contemplated him. She found a focus and a center in him. It is the same for us who come before the Eucharistic Lord [especially in Adoration], as we simply stay with him, watch him, focus ourselves on him and find in him a center for our lives. This form of Eucharistic adoration both stems from the Mass and leads us back to the Mass."
This helps me so much, to understand Adoration better in light of Mary's perfect example, as I admittedly never really knew "how to adore properly".
This is... touchingly simple, but very weighty. It's demanding, as all honest love is, like a mother for a child. But it's not tedious. It's only so demanding because real love requires of itself a total giving of self, because anything less wouldn't be love. And here it's absolutely reciprocal. The Eucharist IS Love Itself. Adoration "demands" such love by justice alone, but never forces it. Love must be given freely, willingly, completely. In Adoration, Love Himself will enable us to do so in return.