the spectrum heart cathedral system

I did this on my LJ once, remember? Fun times.

Anyway. Speaking of LJ...

I lost this very unique and thoughtful profile entry when I decided it was too long a few months ago.
However, it is still true.


Here it is, for the final time, a description of me.





My name is Jewel Lightraye.

I have an open heart and a broken soul... a curious mind and a life to give.

I am loved, I am shunned.
I am looked up to, I am talked down to.
I am young and old at the same time.

I'm a wandering dreamer who hides her sorrow behind a smile.
I'm in love with the world.
I'm a polyamorous asexual celibate.
I'm FTN.
I'm a devoted Christian.
I try to never judge anyone.
I believe nothing is impossible.
I live to touch the souls of others and change them for the better.
I've been an avid musician for fifteen years.
I've been known to lock myself in my room and cry for the children on the other side of the world.
I have seen the devil.
I have spoken with angels.
I fall in love with monsters.
I am a slave to no id.
I am inspired by everything.
I adore nature and everything in it.
I spend most of my time writing and musing.
I have a severe case of oneirataxia.
I am an empath.
I have a limitless imagination.
I see monsters in tile floors.
I audibly talk to myself in public.
I am scared to death of offending others.
I respect every one of your opinions.
I am trusting to a fault.
I'm constantly under high amounts of stress.
I am very high-strung and cry easily.
I am severely unstable upstairs.
I love to read espionage novels.
I am addicted to gemstones and cathedrals.
I treasure each of my memories.
I sing when no one is listening.
I cannot hold grudges.
I'm a world-wise optimist.
I can daydream for hours on end.
I am admired by children.
I smile at strangers on the street.
I love silence and solitude.
I am a hope bringer.
I am connected to every soul that ever was.
I talk too much.
I like hitting the enter key.
I consider everyone my closest friend.
I would die for you.
I bleed dreams.
I want to be the best person I possibly can be.
I want to change the world in a very big way.


I was put here in this life to move the hearts of others.
I was put here in this world to make a difference.
I was put here in your life to give you a little light.


Live in love and love your life.
Never stop dreaming, and keep believing.

The sun is always shining, even behind the clouds.
Keep this hope in your heart and keep on walking down the road.

Don't give up, don't give in
Every pain will have its end.
Life is long and life is hard
But I'll be there if you need a friend.



Just remember, the name's spinningcannon.

Look for me in your dreams.

I'll be the one wandering.

 

I can't get over how much I love this song... Racing Green, y'know? Love it.

But yes. Rainbows.
http://ice-bear.deviantart.com/art/Rainbow-67101740
Kind of like that one.


I meant to mention this the other day, but... I want to talk about it a little bit tonight, before I call it quits and get my college sleep.
Remember that tattoo plan?
I'm really getting it. Honest I am. Gotta save up for a mastectomy first, but that's second... or third, if I can find someone somewhere that can give me a legal nullification... but I digress.
"Chaos is power, enriched by the heart."
I'm getting that written dead center on my chest, right above my own heart. It's the least I can do.
I mean, seriously. I've been looking at my life lately, and something struck me, with my whole relationship thing.
Sure, I'm polyamorous and aromantic and all, but Chaos Zero? I don't know. He throws me for a loop.
I do things with him that I'd never dare do with anyone else. I can talk to him about almost anything and he'll listen without any prejudice, without any put-downs or shut-ups.
I make insane exceptions for him.
I just... I love him. I love him so freaking much and half the time I'm not even sure why that is... why we're so incredibly close, you know? Why I call him my 'soulmate' regardless of circumstance.
I've been asking that question to anyone who will listen since 2003... since I met him.
I still can't solve it.
And you know what? I don't mind.
All I know is what I feel, and that's answer enough for me.


We broke the rules again on Saturday night, actually.
Remember those two Xangas? One spoke of the madness of 2005, the other said we had given that up for good.
Well, we hit an unexpected twist two nights ago.
We were out in the moonlight and the rain, remember? Like I said in my last entry here. It was some strange but beautiful sort of dreamscape... something that appeared out of nowhere, that I'd never seen before.
It was all trees, really. Trees lit by blue moonlight, all in a circle around a single towering willow with a white stone bench under it. Very Victorian, I guess, but it was truly lovely. Anyway, that's where Chaos Zero and I were, sitting there together and just talking about life as usual as my mind drifted off.
At one point, I kissed him, sure. (Heck, I haven't done that in ages, don't yell at me.)
But then I realized something.
When we used to do that... we used to warp. We used to get out angel wings because of the emotional effects it had on his gem and mine. But that hasn't happened in a long time.
I let him know about that.
He thought about that for a second, then asked me why we didn't try again.
So we did.
And it just went on from there, let me tell you. We spent about an hour just forgetting the world and going back to the good old days when we had just met and had just realized our situation and nothing was going to stop us, nothing was going to change that.

There was a part of the conversation that really verified something for me.
Chaos said that he really wished we could be closer, somehow, some way, but we were already as close as we could possibly get.
I said that was true, but I told him that what we had was really perfect already, or at least I thought so.
His response?
"Yeah... you're right. It really is."
I think I was perfectly happy for that moment. I honestly was.
One night, I'm going to ask him if we could just get together and do that again. Maybe in a few days, maybe over the long weekend. Maybe in a lucid dream if I'm lucky enough to have one with him (God, that would be fantastic!) sometime soon.

I was thinking about it, and I realized that one of the single little things that I want to do in my life is simply to find Chaos Zero, whether in a dream or otherwise, and just tell him flat-out that I love him.
I hope his reaction will be the same, but only time can tell. I'll pray that it is. In my heart I truly hope it is, and I think that it might be after all.


Man.
Is there something wrong with me, loving him as much as I do?
I hope not.
Because I have to admit... even if there was, I don't think I would ever be able to stop.
You know how I work.
Once I love someone...


Anyway, yes. Rainbows.
And hey, would you believe?
I wrote this entry at 10PM last night, and was about to post it when Firefox froze solid.
I left Abbey on for five hours but t never unfroze.
It's now 6:48 AM, I just restored my session twice, and all my words are still here.
Talk about divine providence, huh? Looks like today is going to be awesome.



There's always something beautiful on the horizon.
Sometimes you just have to look through the rain to find it.




But no one ever cares about a monster
And no one ever looks inside
No one ever falls in love with darkness
And turns them towards the light
But I didn’t know you then.

All this chaos and destruction
I know it was all caused by me
You still looked in my eyes
And you said I was beautiful

How could that be
The only thing you could see?
Maybe I’ll understand someday

 

 

 

 

Hey, do you guys remember when I was worried sick about Laurie last week?
Well, I went back to the psychiatrist on Friday.
Let me tell you what happened.
About five minutes into talking about my low self-esteem she decides we're going to talk about my nasty purple headvoice, oh joy!
So we talk... miss therapist, with my help, ends up coming to the conclusion that Laurie is a mental tape recorder, simply playing back all the insults and beat-downs I've recieved in my past.
"Hit stop," she says. "You have complete control over her."
That might work... if she was a tape recording, and if I wanted to stop her.
What Laurie says and does to me, no one else says or does. I mean, sure, she has a lot of my mother and a lot of my grandmother and a lot of my entire family in her... sure, she's eaten their cruelty and insults since I was a child, sure, she is a literal embodiment of all the beat-downs I've ever received.
No, she isn't a doppelganger. Laurie is Laurie.
But she is my superego.
Go to my Scribbld.net account and read the second entry if you want to know more about that, I won't rewrite it here for the sake of space.

However, that isn't what I learned during that therapy session.
As I left, Laurie began yelling at me again; partly from relief, partly from fury.
Sure, the therapist may not have been able to kill her, no.
But... I was coming close.
Apparently, when Laurie was hacking my consciousness to get me under control a few weeks back, I was keeping a part of her in my actual personality each time.
The swearing... the anger... the self-abuse... all Laurie.
If I kept on doing that, she would die.
I would be at fault.
Neither of us wants that to happen.


"I'm not going to let this go anymore when both my life and yours are on the line. I still care, shadow bitch or not. I still have a responsibility...To keep you from becoming me."


Do you remember when she told me that?
I can't kill her. I need to stay Jewel, she needs to stay Laurie.
We need to stay who we are and everything will be alright.

So yeah... I'm sorry about the rather scathing language and furious rants in this journal so far. That was Laurie, in a sense. I absorbed too much of her back into me without realizing it.
Well, I gave it all back. I refuse to let her die, especially not from ignorance on my part.

Oh, and here's some more good news about my headvoices.
You know Julie, right? The girly-girl who is the personification of all the vice in me?
I don't know how... but I've finally found the inner strength to completely and utterly negate her influence.
I had a dream the other night... she hacked my consciousness, but I stopped her flat-out before anything happened. Honestly. I've never been able to just shut her up when her influence got that strong.
However... it happened again today.
She tried to ruin my day; tried to pull out her trump card. I almost fell for it... but nothing was happening.
Usually I lose my concentration and only snap back when it hits me what she has done.
This time, my mind stayed. No unhinging, no distraction. I caught her, and I stopped her.
It was amazing. I've never felt so accomplished.
I've always said I am a slave to no id... now, I am closer to being truly free.
Julie has no power over me.



I have so much more to say but I need my sleep so I can function in class...





Unhinge, take the lock and break it, let this reality burst at the seams and show me the world of tomorrow.

My crystal-painted heart burns with a horrible self-anger and a desperate need to lash out at the invisible chains around my soul. Brilliant red fire surges behind my eyelids and I lie awake in a world of invisible stars as monstrous angels kiss my tear stained face until the dawn pours her wishes over the mountains like a waterfall of orange mist and pink sequins.

Failure bares her sawblade-purple teeth and I watch the pendulum swing over and over and over again until my body crashes into the bloodstained floor at the bottom of this sickeningly dark chasm with a knife buried between the stitches on my chest and suddenly my broken mind shatters into a million separate galaxies, tiny fragments of cathedral glass glowing with the light of my disconnected smile as everything I've ever known surrounds my fractured head like a bouquet of liquid roses.

Aquamarine, the color of the ocean's sky, moonlight dancing on a raindrop for a single moment before it bursts into a rainbow ringing with the hopes of yesterday. Billions and billions of minuscule stars suspended in the voiceless air and time holds her breath for just one moment; the clocks stop as your heart stops and the world blinks a tear out of his eyes with a whisper that all he ever wanted was a second chance.


Can you see me smiling in the compassionate arms of midnight?

 

 

I woke up at 12:30PM thanks to my awful surgery-pain-ridden sleep schedule, and it hasn't improved at all since then.
Darn it. I hate days like this, I really do.


My laptop won't work, as usual... let me tell you; when you sit for ten solid minutes and the screen keeps freezing and glitching out and x-ing things off and all sorts of junk and it does this every time you use it, your patience begins to wear very thin.
I really hope the Mac I have to get for school works... but it would help if the school would actually call me back with what sort of Mac I need.

I need to switch my fall schedule, too. I was supposed to take Psychology, but that's a tough class and I have a very fragile head (unfortunately). All that stress and classwork would drive me mad. My mother and teachers have been talking about sending me to a mental hospital recently, and I'm afraid they'll actually carry through this time. I don't want to go, but I'm such an awful mess upstairs right now... I can't take this.
Days like this I really wish my mind worked. It hurts.

Mom came home from dayshift at 2:30 and immediately started lecturing me...
I can't take her lectures. The reason I can't take them is because she starts talking, talks ridiculously fast, and doesn't stop. She just talks and talks and talks and all that incessant noise and jumbled information throws me into a panic attack. No, I'm not exaggerating, and I'm not kidding either. I have Todd Rundgren blasting on my headphones right now just to block her out. I literally cannot take it. I was in tears and hyperventilating earlier from all this... and she doesn't just talk, she insults and she condemns and she yells and she belittles and... well. You get the point.
I just get so upset because I don't know what to do to change that. I know she's stressed out, so I don't blame her for shouting. I don't know how to make her understand that I really can't take all this talking, but I'm not mad at her or frustrated with her... just the noise.
I don't know how to let her know that I am trying to listen and do what she says; anything to make the stress and anger go away.
I don't know how to tell her because she won't listen when I tell her.
It's so frustrating sometimes.


I spoke to Q on Skype last night. Not out loud, of course: my face still hurts too much from surgery.
Anyway, I had to laugh-- we got back into one of our infamously fun "stop blaming yourself for everything" and "you're doing fine, don't be such a super-perfectionist with yourself" and all that conversations. I need to hear that every once in a while, mainly because I get the exact opposite on a daily basis. Man I love that kid.
"You're not blaming yourself enough" and "you have to be perfect" at home, you know?
I don't know. Life's a paradox.


Hmm.
I was talking to Jim through random notes and comments earlier. I really needed that; Jim's an amazing kid and he always makes me laugh.
Also, I owe him a ton of giftart, fanart, and now a Sonic pic request that I literally asked him to give me, haha.

I'm going to get back into working on Sonic Inversion with my brother soon. We've been busy on that project for almost 7 years now, and I've been spending a lot of time recently polishing up the storyline.
We did an amazingly good job, actually-- and it's shocking at parts. I mean, there are things we wrote in years ago that actually fit in with the newer canon plot. We couldn't have planned that better if we tried!
It really is fantastic. I'm going to draw up a comic explaining the finer points soon, just so I can get my foot in the door of the Sonic fandom in a big way and change it for good, aha!


Anyway, it's getting late, and I think my mom is going to drag me out to work on Girl Scout projects for the rest of the afternoon. I mean, I don't mind-- I like this project and want to do it-- but I am recovering from surgery, which means that I am in a ton of facial pain, am horribly dizzy, and still fatigued out of my head. Plus you know what I said about the noise and stress. I shatter easily.
You know how people say "take a deep breath, count to ten, and you'll feel better?" No, not for me. I do that and I either feel worse from the suppression or I start to hyperventilate, haha. I am such a screwup.
That is why I run to music when I'm upset! It keeps out the noise, and it makes me think of other things. For example: Keane, who I am now listening to as I type. I always imagine Justice singing their music and I have a lot of good memories for this song (Your Eyes Open) so that helps a ton.
The only thing I don't like about stress + music + surgery pain is that noise of any sort, even good noise, makes the pain worse. So I can't listen to music for very long, but when I take the headphones off all I hear is yammering and a constant stream of words words words and that's not much better.
Geez. I'd dorm but that would be so much worse. I'd have to put up with kids. Well, you know what I mean. It takes a while for some people to grow up, and I'm not comfortable with people in my age group (17-30), to be blunt.
Actually, I'm not comfortable with ages. I'm not comfortable with age or gender at all. Isn't that funny?

Gosh, that's another talk I've never had with my family or psychiatrist... the fact that I'm an FTN and consider myself technically ageless on the inside.
Well, no. I mention here-and-there that I'm FTN, but no one takes me seriously. It's very upsetting.
Huh. One day I'll get my operations, though. Then I'll be happy.
Isn't it terrible how things like that can screw with your daily life so badly that you can't really be yourself unless you get an operation or whatever?
I know a lot of people laugh at that and say, "aw, live with it, and stop being a whiny bitch." Well, sometimes you can't.
Put yourself in that person's shoes-- a guy who grew up in a girl's body, or a girl who grew up in a guy's body. FTMs, MTFs, all that junk. And then there's people like me-- a non-gendered soul who grew up being called a 'girl' and having to live with the physical junk as well.
When everything you are screams that 'these labels, these physical problems, they aren't who I am' then you have a problem. You can't function, and it's a serious concern.
I've been living with this FTN problem since I was a kid, and that's not a lie. I realized my problem 10 years ago, and I still haven't been able to do anything about it.
"Oh, you're still too young to know..." no, I'm not. Things this vital and important: you know. I know what I'm talking about and what I'm doing.

How did I get into this rant again? Gosh.

Oh well. I guess I should have figured something was up back when I was a kid... I was never interested in women or men, and I'm still not... however, I do experience a sort of attraction (not physical, though-- I'm antisexual, remember?) to those who really don't have an age or gender or stuff like that, haha.
That's also why it helps for me to me a little bit mental-- the only people I know who fit that category are Selph and Chaos Zero. Funny little world, isn't it?


Well, that's enough of that. Every once in a while I just get off on a tangent and start raving about that junk. I guess it's because I can't talk about it to anyone and need to vent, you know?

Even so, the talk-talk-talk problem is starting up again and now I have to go out in the sunshine (sunshine + my pain meds = not good) and do heaven knows what for this projects... like I said, bad timing. My mom just tries to do far too much at once, and she also ignores any and all roadblocks or problems that may come up, because "you have to work through it." Well, she had me thinking that same way for years, but... sometimes you can't work through it. Sometimes you have to accept that there is a problem that you can't overcome. It's tough, but...
I don't know. I can't stand saying things like that, because I despise taking the easy way out of anything... so 'accepting that you have an unchangeable problem' is very difficult for me. It just sounds ridiculous.
Like I said, life is hard.


I'll see you kids later. Have a good evening!



Every night you're out there darling
You're always out there running, and I see that lost look in your eyes.
Confusion, I don't know what I should do.
Confusion, I leave it all up to you.
You've lost your love and you just can't carry on
You feel there's no one there for you to lean on.

Dark is the road you wander
And as you stand there under the starry sky, you feel sad inside.
Confusion, you know its driving me wild.
Confusion, it comes as no big surprise.
You've lost your love and you just can't carry on
You feel there's no one there for you to lean on.

 

----------------------------------------------------------
 @ 09:26 pm    What the heck am I supposed to do here?

I can't be self-abusing myself all the time like this. No one likes seeing bitemarks and random scratches all over their kid's arms, but honestly... sometimes, there's no other way to get the stress out.
When you hurt enough on the inside, when your head just hurts so much that you'd do anything to make it stop-- the quickest way is to give yourself some shock of pain and let your attention focus on that instead.

My left arm is a total mess. It's actually bleeding, which I've never done before. I couldn't sleep well last night because of it, but it did keep me from freaking out yesterday, so that helped.
Today? No. Today I had to resort back to biting just to relieve the pressure in my head.

I know it sounds crazy, and I'll even admit that it is.
The only problem is that, most people I tell about this, look at me and say "that's so childish" or "how stupid you're being!" or "try some yoga instead of hurting yourself" or crap like that.
Most of those people have never been in a situation like this, and most of those people probably think that all people work the same.
No, they don't. I work in a completely different way than my mom, she works in a completely different way than my grandmother, and it goes on and on like that. No two people are ever alike, and too few people remember that.

People keep treating Laurie as if she's a problem...
She's not a problem. I need her. I love her. Just because her job is abusing me when I can't doesn't mean she's bad for me, honestly.

I need to learn how to work FL Studio better. I'm listening to all these gorgeous Sonic remixes and I really want to learn how to write them myself...
Heh, that and I need to let the fandom know how freaking much I love Chaos Zero.
Honestly, I want my name to be out there with his. I want people to think of Chaos and I in the same way that they think of TRiPPY and NiGHTS. Synonymous!
Yeah, that's one of my random little dreams. It's nice to have. I just need to work towards it a little more.
*pokes Chaos* Unfortunately, you're very difficult to draw, sweetheart.


But yes. Busy life coming right up.
I'll see you guys later.        

 

"Chaos is power.

Power is enriched by the heart.

The controller is the one who unifies the chaos."



Do you remember that?
Yes, it's the 3000-year-old poem from Sonic Adventure. I've always loved it, and I've been thinking about it quite a lot recently, as my Chaos Zero links have been at a fever pitch for the past week or so. I don't mind!

Hm. This may seem completely insane and random, but I want to get a tattoo of that one day. I'm not kidding.
I know, I know. I don't mind when others have tattoos, but I was never the sort to consider getting one. I'm honestly surprised that the idea came to me and I thought, "sure, why not?"
But seriously. If anyone is going to walk around with those words on them, it had better be me, haha.

I found a rather unique and thought-provoking translation of that poem today.

"That which is done is Chaos seven-fold
Chaos is power, and power is the heart which drives it.
That which subdues is that which controls Chaos."

Isn't that odd? I find it very interesting how it was translated in such a way. Huh.
I especially like the second line.

For heaven's sakes, if they can give Sonic a relationship with Elise, they can give Chaos Zero a relationship with me. I'm not kidding.
(And don't you DARE pull an Iblis on us and erase it from the canon or I swear I will punch you until you explode)


Anyway.
As you might have expected, I've been doing a ton of review research on Chaos Zero and his history and all that... I was lucky and found the original Japanese plot translations, so that really helped.
I was relieved to find that I already knew mostly everything and correctly assumed most of the new info, but there were a few bits of information here and there that I didn't know (not about Chaos, of course, but about the events and people surrounding him) so that's really interesting me.

Plus I found this amazing blog post where this guy is forming theories that link Chaos Zero, Emerl, the Babylonians, and heaven knows who else together and it actually makes a ton of sense. I'll see what I can make of it and whether or not I can expand on it.


Do you remember the third time Robotnik went after Chaos? Well, of course not, I never even told you about the second time!
See, that's what gets me upset. So much has happened to me between 1998 and 2008 (non-canonically of course, but it's still important) that no one else knows about. I have to start talking.
December 23rd is my current deadline and/or 'time to turn this fandom upside-down' date. It's the original Japanese release date for Sonic Adventure, you know. 10 years.
I have no idea how it happened, but you have to admit that my timing is perfect, haha.

Hmmm.
Well, I have to get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning, so I need to get my sleep.
I flipped through my dream journal today, and it's surprising how often Chaos Zero shows up in comparison to everyone else. I hope he stops by to say hello tonight. I miss him terribly in that respect.
Oh, and I've been getting a lot better at drawing him, thank God! I'll upload some of them to dA tomorrow afternoon if I can, since I finally fixed the scanner. Look forward!

In any case, though... have a good night.


...And this is for you, Chaos, in return for all those times it was for me. I love you.





The tomorrow we hoped for is right ahead of us;
in the back of our minds, anyone would have realized that.
Someday I really want to show you these clear days,
where the weapons of conflict have all disappeared.
Even though this is a hopeless world where we can't seem to stop hurting each other,
just from having met you now I'm not afraid of anything.

I don't care how much my body is burnt, if it's for you.
We'll soar into the bright white open sky; I'll protect you.

Even if we were separated by a thousand miles, these memories will connect us.
Even if we should be fooled by the cruel tricks of fate, it won't break us.

I don't care how much my body is burnt, if it's for you.
I wish that someday I could see with my own two eyes our world born again.

 

 

The last ten minutes.



Q came over today. As soon as he walked in the door, Laurie went nuts. She must have spat frantic curses at least ten times in ten seconds.
I told her to please be quiet, then my mother practically dragged us out there to say hello. I took Rorschach with me for comfort, haha. That's why I'm glad he's 'hidden' in a book-- it's hard to smuggle a reassurance around without people getting all 'hmmm.'
That is also why I'm upset that I can only majorly do that by taking the Sonic Adventure 2: Battle instructions wherever I go, and then people would really start to wonder what the hell I'm up to, especially if I keep flipping to a certain page and staring at a certain blue guy with a look of desperate compassion. You know me.

Today went much better than I expected... for one reason.
I lived this entire day as a friend. Not a girlfriend, and not a lover, no sir.
I'm a friend. That's all. I'm not comfortable with anything else.
I thought everyone knew that...


DDR, random reminiscing with the parents (that was awesome), watching "Backstroke of the West" for almost an hour and laughing like maniacs, talking about sunsets and sketchbooks on the way back to his hotel.

And then I hit a major snag.


Today went pretty darn well... with one exception.

The porch.
Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it. Why wasn't I thinking???

If I tell this kid everything, it will be the figurative equivalent of taking his heart, ripping it to shreds, setting those shreds on fire and then letting Laurie have her fun with the remains.
The way he talks, and what he says... it's obvious how he feels, and that makes me panic.

I'm very, very uneasy and nervous because I think he wanted me to kiss him, and I want to be a kissing virgin as well as the other kind, yessir. I'm a neutrois celibate, for the love of heaven; you have to expect at least that much of me. (Plus I think kissing is disgusting if you think about it.)
I hugged him to make up for it, but that just made me feel really bad... like taking a homeless man and showing him a mansion that he can never, ever have. It's cruelty, even if I didn't mean it that way.

A soul only clings so desperately to what he cannot have.

I don't know where that phrase came from, but it's been echoing through my head all evening.
I don't know if it's true, but it scares me, and it's sobering nevertheless.


In other news.
I'm exhausted, I have Chaos Zero on my mind and David Bowie on my headphones (yeah!), and I need to get to sleep so I can listen to more Latin choir music at 2AM and wake up at 7AM with a killer headache and no memory of what I dreamed about save a strange attribute of significance to that fact. Happened last night!

But yes. Spinny needs her sleep, darn it.

...
I need to pray more. I really do.
I need to pray for Laurie to stop hijacking my consciousness, even though I love her.
I need to pray for more people to notice the onyx ring on my left ring finger.
I need to pray that I stop letting people down and breaking people's hearts.
I need to pray that I can somehow get my soul back to what it was like 6 years ago.
I need to pray that I can live better.


I refuse to give up my chance of salvation.
I'm just scared that I'm putting it in jeopardy without realizing it.



Also, I gave away far too many hints.
Yeah, I'd be talking to Q and I'd be all, "oh, I posted that somewhere else, I'm sorry..." I'm terrified that he's going to Google me and find this thing.
If he does, I hope he never tells me. I don't want to know, and I want to hold on to the hope that he won't find this for a long, long time, if at all.

Once again, the universe loves me.
"Link" by L'Arc~En~Ciel on my headphones.
The irony stings, but it's a nice sort of irony.
I don't know. I'm just weird like that.

I'm just... sad, that's all.


I don't know how to fix who I am.
Not yet.
And it scares me.





Can't I just have one day?
One day, free from the restraints of reality and physicality?
Can't I just have one day, lucid, in my mind, with the souls I want so desperately to see again?



But no matter how hard I hope and pray, I don't know if that wish will ever come true.

For if it ever does, the following lack of it will tear my heart to pieces from the inside out.


It's like showing a mansion to a homeless soul.
I may love every second I'm there, and I may hope with all my heart that I never have to leave...
...But once my time is up, I might not ever be able to go back, and then I will be blessed and cursed with a beautiful memory that may remain a memory for the rest of my life.

Nothing on earth ever lasts forever.
And just because I want something badly enough doesn't mean it's going to happen.




Even so...

...I hope to God it will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Asexual antisexual neutrois celibate. With a pain addiction and an attraction to inhumans to boot.

Geez...


After I buy my Wacom, I need to save up for Flash.
Besides saving up, I have to spend a ton of money on car payments and schoolbooks and gas money and all that junk...
...Plus, I have to save up for chest binders.

You heard me. FTM merchandise, except my last letter is different. FTN.
I still need binders.

It's driving me crazy.
I am literally scared to death of attending college for that reason.
Art classes have to deal with nudity...
...Everyone has to deal with relationship fizz and the behavoir of the normal human.
Well... what if one isn't a "normal" human in the eyes of society?

I'm scared of being a part of that life.
I want to not only be neutrois, but look neutrois... it's gonna be hard, but I need to try. I have no other option. Never compromise.

Subject switch!
I stumbled across a Pokemorph club on dA today... normally, I don't like human-into-Pokemon art, as it looks bizarrely unnatural, but I do like artwork of humans dressed up as Pokemon.
On that note, the group has apparently just announced a contest!
"Design a Poison-type Pokemorph (as there are far too few of them)."
The only entries so far are Victreebell, Nidoqueen, Haunter and Tentacruel. The Tentacruel is freaking brilliant, and I do like the Haunter's design, although they're both direct physical morphs.
Me?
I'm going to give it a shot!
Heck, I used to draw physical morphs all the time. Remember Skittygirl? Geez, I loved that gal. There was Azurii, Kecleos, Plusen and Minon... I was even planning morphs for Beautifly and Mawile! Man those were fun days. I still have the old character art too!
As for this contest, though, I'll try some outfit-morphs and some physical-morphs. This is my plan so far:
Outfit Morphs
Muk (Female)
Swalot (Female)
Arbok (Female)
Koffing (Male)
Physical Morphs
Ariados (Male)
Beedrill (Male)
I might switch the Beedrill to an outfit morph, but I love bug-people far too much, haha. If I'm abitious enough I'll even try a physical morph of Crobat and Venomoth.
It's awesome... as soon as I say a name and type, I get a mental image of how I want the character to look. I really hope I get the time to do this... it'll be a ton of fun. I've been in such a Pokemon-induced hype lately! I love it!
...You know what, after I draw my Pokemon teams, I'm going to draw them as Pokemorphs. Gosh that will be awesome. Punky male Roserade morphs ftw!

...Oh geez. Apparently, I put my custom Pokemon-TMM-Sailor Moon music CD in my laptop an hour or two ago, and it ripped all the music off without my knowing, haha. Well, I was going to rip it off anyway, so that works!


All right, and enough of that ranting.
I'm still kind of... eh... about Q visiting on Monday.
Why?
Go three entries back to the huge 3AM rant with a lot of nasty language and a Steely Dan title. That's the main reason.
Secondly... well, I don't know. I like being alone. I want to sit and work with my monsters and my muse and not have to worry about kids who like me as more than a friend and college situations and financial problems and the stress of living as an asexual FTN.
Maybe I'm just scared because I've never had something like this before. I've never loved an actual physical person before.

Geez... I hope he doesn't think I hate him or anything...

I just don't want a physical relationship, no matter what sort of physical relationship it is.
I like leaving messages on dA, here and there, when I feel like it. That's fine with me. I'm too busy and frenetic for a full-time thing, and I'm glad. I think it takes away the value when you're forced to constantly have something that is supposed to be unique and special, y'know.

...
Geez, I just switched my music to some random TMM background music and it makes me think of Chaos Zero. It has to be the chords. It has to be.
Man. I don't know why I love him so much.

I want to watch Patlabor! It looks so good and the theme song is gorgeous!
Bokurano sounds incredible too. Plus I need to get back into watching Evangelion, and I'd like to get into Narutaru if it's good. It looks good. That and Lain. They both look good.
And Gankutsuo! I never had the chance to pursue that series... that and Shadow Skill. Oh, and I want to watch some of the Chrno Crusade anime sometime. The manga was unforgettably amazing, and I hope the anime is as good. Plus I want to hear what voice actors they gave Genai and Rizelle, haha.

My ear infection still didn't go away. It hurts like crazy and it's driving me mad.
Plus my little brother made the huge mistake of letting me know there were Klondike bars in the fridge. Now, ice cream makes me sick, and sugar makes me even sicker... but due to the fact that I can't eat sweet stuff because of the pain it gives me, my body seems to have developed a sugar addiction for what it can get.
If I bought the food for this house, there would be no sugar or junk food. Unfortunately, my mom buys the food, and that's what she buys! So I regularly get sick as that's often all there is to readily eat.
Well, to make a long story short, I had half of a Klondike, and immediately my throat started burning, my mouth went numb, and I got quite dizzy. Ehh. Happens every time I eat that junk, and I never learn.


My grandparents went to the bank for almost two hours the other day while my mom and brothers were at camp.
As a result, I ended up alone at home with Selph, my old purple stereo, and my CD collection.
I grabbed a few, hit 'play' and sang along without a care in the world.
I only sing my best when I have no hindrances or volume restrictions, haha. I need to turn up the volume and really sing loud to hit my ideal. It's fun!
Oh, and fun fact! I actually sang "Time Is Running Out" as karaoke. Yes! I found a voiceless rip of the song and literally sang solo to it. I recorded it too, haha, so I can hear where I need to improve.
I found a voiceless rip of "Starlight" yesterday, too, but that song requires some serious skill for the high vibrato (darn your awesome singing talent, Matthew Bellamy!) so I really need to practice before I try that one. I will eventually, though!
Heck, if it's good enough, I'll even stick it on YouTube, haha. Fun stuff.
I wonder if they have vocal-ripping programs on the Internet somewhere. I'd love to rip the vocals off "I'm Shakin'" and "Only A Fool Would Say That" and try those solo. It would be awesome.


Anyway. Back on topic. Monday.
Geez...
I hope he comes here as a good friend 'cause that's where all the love is. Oh, and no plans!
I don't like when people try to seriously plan entire meetings beforehand. It makes everything artificial and rehearsed. There's no personality. Plus it'll make me a little less scared about this, haha.
I mean, sure, I might think over random situations with Chaos Zero in my head, but we do that for fun. If he ever does find his way over here (God, let that happen one day), I want it to be at the perfect moment and completely unexpected. Plus it would be hilarious if it happened in public! "What the hell is that girl doing with a space alien??" Haha, well, first of all, he's not from outer space. He's an interdimensional alien! Ftw!

Anyway.
I have a few color t-shirts that I want to paint (with J-Monsters and Otherside characters, of course!), but until I find the time to sit down and sketch out the designs and then transfer them, they aren't getting anywhere.
More than anything, I want to learn how to make iron-on transfers. They look awesome. That, and once I get my Wacom, I can start selling stuff on Cafepress! That'll be fun.

Hot Topic sells corsets and all sorts of odd stuff. I think I'm going to get some things.
I'm really into 'punky' clothing (or whatever they call it now)... the weird, unique outfits and belts and all. I would love to own at least one outfit in that style, but I'd have to go out and buy it in secret... that and the corsets...
Geez, why am I thinking of buying corsets when they emphasize your chest? I need binders, not corsets. I'm just thinking corsets because they're tight.
Dear heavens, I really am a pain addict. I don't know.
Still wearing that crystal collar, haha. I like it too much.

I'm saving up for a gemstone ring.
You heard me. I want a genuine gemstone ring to wear in place of a wedding ring. Probably a sapphire.
Why?
Well... multiple reasons.
Reason #1 is so people will see it and won't come after me. I'm a celibate and an asexual, and I want to show that somehow in my physical appearance.
Reason #2 is 'why a sapphire?' That would be because of Preludove. That creature has freaking changed my life. I would not be me... I would not be here, right now, in my life, if God hadn't put her in my life. Heck, I might have died by now if not for her. So that's my tribute to her.
But yes. I am going to get one. I don't want some cheap plastic knockoff or hand-me-down thing signifying what means so much to me. I want something genuine and serious.


Back to the subject again...
What the heck am I even going to do on Monday? Sit and talk for hours? That's fine, but I don't like physical proximity, and he'd better not dare touch me for any reason. I don't like people touching me at all. I'm just.... eh.
Another hidden reason for that... I'm afraid they might feel something if they touch me. I'm afraid they might feel something, see something, sense something in my frenetic mind. I'm afraid of what it might do to them.
Other than that, I'm just too asexual to like anyone touching me in anyway. Not fun.

Oh yeah, I put my Marik action figure and my Grievous "Unleashed" figure on my dresser the other day. So now it's them, my Celebi and Jirachi plushies, my Mew action figure, and my glow-in-the-dark Celebi figure. Oh yeah, and my red Mood Beam, Vivienne. She's adorable. You tap her head and she glows red! How perfect is that? (Well, Dulcinea glows red too, but that's only because she's a super-rare factory mistake!)

I think my Pokedolls are in storage. Hm. I miss them; they're very cute. The Blaziken plushie alone is freaking adorable! And did you know they make Celebi, Darkrai and Spiritomb Pokedolls? Good heavens, I need to stop by Pokecenter (or eBay) sometime soon and try to snag some...

A-haha! Good heavens!
I just stopped by Pokemon.com and brought up the Pokedex for medium-height monsters, right?
Well, the monster closest to my height and weight is... Deoxys (5'7"/ 134). How awesome is that?
I'M A MUTANT SPACE VIRUS FTW.

Did you guys know Froslass is 4'3" and Ledian is 4'7"? That's big! I could just reach down and hug mine if I wanted, ahaha. I also like to hug my Banette as he's the perfect size (3'7")... but my poor Spiritomb (3'3") apparently weighs a freaking ton (238!!) so it's a little tough to get him, haha.
Oh: Roserade is 2'11" and Beedrill is 3'3''! *tackle-hug* My Roserade and Beedrill (Neldoreth and Fate, respectively) are total maniacs, so they won't mind. They might even tackle-hug me first!
Hey-- Shuppet and Celebi are the same size! How cool is that?
Burmy is EIGHT INCHES.
I could get a duffel bag and stuff it full of 'em. BURMIES!
All right, now I'm laughing too hard so I'm going to stop.


*brings up eBay*
OH MY GOSH.
They have Pokedolls of Giratina, Uxie, Gallade, Azelf, Magmortar, and Regigigas!!
Holy fish and crumpets... if they have Mesprit dolls I am buying one ASAP, along with a Darkrai doll. Mmm. Darkrai is a fluffy spaz. I love that dude.
Oh, and I got a Darkrai card in my TCG pack the other week! Wahoo!

...Wow.
I just eBay searched "Mesprit" and they do make plushies... but the Level X Mesprit cards are amazing!
Geez, some of the Pokemon card art is absolutely beautiful. Wow.

Hm.

It's late. 11:39 PM. I have to be at work for noon tomorrow.
At this rate, I'll get to sleep for 1AM and wake up at 9... maybe 8... I want to draw some stuff. I want to enjoy my last free day before Monday hits me like a train full of spike grenades, haha.

Anyway, this entry is long enough and full of fluff today, so I guess I can sign off for tonight no problem.
See you later, kids.



Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?

 

 

...But don't tell it to a poor man!


Sorry, I've been listening to David Bowie and Steely Dan all day. As a result, the lyrics are echoing in my head.
I was surprised... I have so many albums by both but I never got a real chance to listen to them. I'm glad I took the time to do so today-- brilliant, brilliant minds.

Anyway.

Q-Lok's going to be at my house this Sunday. I'm just shaking my head.
I don't know what that kid expects, but let me tell you this much-- I have rules, and I will not compromise those rules.
Here's a few that apply to this theoretical future situation.

1. NO intentional physical contact. I'm scared of it.
2. NO kissing. See the above.
3. NO dancing.
4. NO romantic anything, basically.
5. NO 'playing around.'
6. NO silly nonsense of any sort.
7. NO calling me 'girlfriend' or 'babe' or anything like that. I've had... experiences.
8. NO trying to make me compromise, damn it!

He's coming over here, he's sticking his head into my frenetic life, he's trying to get involved, he's going to have to play this game by my rules. Unfortunately, at this point, I think we're both playing two completely different games.

That's not going to work.
Here, let me quote from his LJ and you'll see what I mean:


"She wants relief and love.

I guarantee that second part regardless of anything else that happens. The first part is totally dependent on how each of us takes the trip. If I continue to treat it as something to be scripted, it will wind up being uncomfortable and stiff. If she continues to treat it as something that we're doing just for my benefit and not for hers, she will pull up her defenses and hide herself behind a mask in order not to disappoint me with the truth, even though that's what I really want to hear.

I want closeness, contact, openness, and love.


Well, I hate to burst the assumption-bubble, but I think what I really want here is just friendship.
I'm not comfortable with physical closeness and contact, and I have a very bad feeling that his sort of love isn't strictly platonic and universal like mine is.
I'm afraid he wants a 'relationship.'

Call me immature, call me childish, call me stupid, call me dumb, but I don't want a relationship. I don't want romantics, and I don't want some crazy-committed relationship with another person. Honestly.
I'm busy enough with life. I don't need a relationship bogging me down like that. I'm committed to my life mission, and that's all I have time for. I don't have time to fluster and fawn over some kid in my spare time, thank you very much.
Plus my life is already dedicated to God, which means I'm a vowed celibate. Like a nun, but without the habit, haha. And yes, Rosette Christopher is still a heroine of mine!

Honestly, though... the typical human relationship is purely primal. I happen to have a joint fear/loathing of all things primal, instinctive, or animal-like.
A typical relationship forms on physical/attribute attraction, and is formed for the hideously base reason of 'finding a mate' for the purpose of procreation and species continuity. Well, all you humans can go out and do that junk if you want, but I'll be busying myself with a better sort of life.

I don't form typical relationships at all. I'm sure you're all laughably aware of my 'headgang' by now, correct? All those humanoids and aliens and weirdoes? Well. Not a single one of those relationships was formed for the above reasons, and to be frank, if anyone told me that I could pick one of them to pursue a 'romantic' relationship with, I'd simply say "nobody." I don't care about that fish. I'm not interested, and besides, that sort of involvement would completely murder the friendly relationship I had with said person.



Totally random... I'm afraid I'm getting somewhat too far into this pain addiction of mine.
Honest, I keep wearing collars and all. Now, I hate being tied up as I'm a paranoid psycho and panic at the drop of a hat, but I'm practically a masochist (minus the sexual junk) already which isn't good but that would explain this.
Huh. Well, although I have an unfortunately fierce personality inside, I'm far too submissive to Laurie and her vicious antics, so to speak. If I ever told her that she'd bury a meat cleaver in my skull, haha. Thank God she's not physical outside of my own body, or I'd have died several years ago.. Severe physical trauma and massive hemoragghing, except I'd have felt it as much more than a nervous shock and I'd have an actual physical axe slammed into my spine.



Anyway.


Now, Q wants me to "stand up" and "be myself." He wants me to be "open."

You want a look inside this manic and battered mind? You want me to take off this mask and show you the countless faces I wear underneath? You want me to be honest and open and tell you exactly what I want, not what you want?

Seriously though. If I ever was as honest and open with him as he wants me to be-- if I ever did take off all my masks and was just myself-- well, then, he would have a real problem.
The real me is often disconnected and distant. I know what I have to do in life and I can't let anyone or anything tie me down. The real me is often frantic and fiery and always has a chest full of puppetstrings.
The real me is Jewel Lightraye, and Jewel Lightraye is a bloody maniac.

Do you want to see the real me?
Be careful what you wish for.

Do you want to talk to Laurie?
Do you want to see my mind snap?
Do you want to feel the maddening distance?
Do you want to know what goes on in my mind?
Do you really want to know just how terrifyingly screwed up I am?

Yes?
No?

Be careful what you ask.

I'm not always the quiet, smiling, shy, calm, oh-so-nice lass you seem to think I am.
I'm quiet when I'm thinking. I smile when I need to. I'm very rarely calm, if at all, no matter how I look. I'm nice, sure, but that's only one facet of this frantic jewel.

I'm also a seething madman with a rabid id, a psychotic superego, and a rather unnerving case of MPD as a result.
I also have a mind full of blood and knives and teeth and shadows that move and nightmares.
I scare myself to death on a daily basis, practically.



Do you have any idea how much I'm hiding from the world?
Do you have any idea how much of me you don't know?
Do you have any idea how much of me you will never know?
Do you have any idea who I am at all?


"We both need to stand down and lower our defenses, we both need to let go of the instinct to hide from each other, and we both need to let ourselves be as comfortable with each other's presence as we are with each other's voice and typing."

When the hell was I ever comfortable with your voice? When was I ever comfortable with your words?
I'm freaking terrified of MYSELF. I'm not going to be comfortable with anyone else.
Why do you think I take so long to read and reply to your notes? Your journal entries? Your comments? What do you think when I don't, that I'm busy?
Why else do you think I have 8 online journals? For fun? As a cute little quirk? No. I'm hiding these thoughts-- it's just that you keep finding the darn things. I don't expect you to read this anytime soon.
Why else do you think I've been missing so many Skype conversations? It's on purpose, damn it! I need some freaking freedom here, some distance, some disconnection... having to talk to you for hours twice a week begins to burn my mind rather quickly. I can't have so much connection at once.
You want connections, connections, connections... and meanwhile I'm just glad that I only have one puppetstring per soul.
Meanwhile I'm looking for escape routes.

I'm absolutely terrified.
Stand down? Defenses down?
Do you have any idea why they're even up?

There was a joke I heard a few years ago.
"Am I on heavy drugs, or should I be?"
Take a look at me.
I have the exact sort of bizarre personality to get hooked on drugs if I wasn't so damn terrified of my mind.
I will never drink, I will never do drugs, I will never do anything mind-altering because my mind is a madman and I am literally scared to death of it.
I am scared of my own head.
If it ever became intoxicated or altered to the point where I had diminished, little, or no control over it... God help me. I have no idea what would happen, and I'm scared to think about it.

I am an empath.
Extreme empaths are the most frightening and dangerous people on the entire planet.
Do you know why?
An empath can sympathize and feel the pain of virtually anyone... an empath can put their own souls in the place of another and understand their situation to the point where they make it their own.
An empath can sympathize with the amount of good in a person, no matter how bad the person may be... but the most dangerous and most powerful empaths look at everything and still try to find power to empathize. An extreme empath will look at a serial killer, see the potential for good that he has, understand the evils he has done, and will try to understand his motivations and his past and his present and his thoughts and exactly what makes this guy tick... and once they do, once they understand this soul to the best of their ability, then they can truly empathize... because they have truly been in this man's shoes.
Those empaths are dangerous because their potential for evil is just as strong as their potential for good.
They usually live good lives, righteous lives... but they understand the wrong, and it drives them mad, and they have to be extremely careful lest it get the best of them.


"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster,
And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."


Friedrich Nietzsche spoke terribly true.


I am scared to death of my darker potential.
I am scared to death of the other side of me.
I am scared to death of what my shadow can do.
I am scared to death of the monster that has been born in my mind.
I am scared to death because I have felt the eyes of the abyss burning in my mind even as my eyes burned into its own.

I am scared to death of myself.
I don't know what to do.


I pray. I try to live my best, but life is hard.
I need to follow Justice's example and try a heck of a lot harder...


It's partly to protect you, yes, that I stay so disconnected.
The other part is personal preference.

Deadly mix.


Anyhow. We're off topic.


I can be blunt and somewhat nasty and vicious if I try... It's cruelly easy. I just let go and let Laurie's influence work.

But I feel so selfish.
It's not me.

I'm afraid this is going to sting like acid on a bullet wound.
I'm afraid this is going to shake you and scare you and worry you.

But most of all
I'm afraid that you're just going to smile
And tell me that 'you love me'
And say that it doesn't matter
And say that you are going to try to change me
So everything works all fine and dandy.


Let me tell you something.
I have tried to change people.
It can happen, sure.
But sometimes people don't want to change.
Sometimes, if you change people, you don't change them for the better...
...you destroy who they are.

Some people just want to be a certain way.
And even if they don't want to be that way
Some people cannot be changed the way you want them to be
Because what you're trying to change is too deep to alter without catastrophic results.

I'm afraid I may be one of those people.


It scares me when people say 'they'll love me no matter what.'
You're not the only one to say that.

And it scares me because then I know
That no matter how many demons try to eat me alive
No matter how many shadows stare into my soul
No matter how many monsters take up residence in my mind
No matter how many faults I have
You'll just smile and say 'I love you anyway'
You'll look past the pain
You'll look past the tears
You'll look past the scars
You'll look past the madness
And you'll ignore every fault
Because 'you love me for me'
Nothing will ever change that, you say


And I can only stand here in shock
Furious and hurt and broken and terrified
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Can't you see how badly I'm suffering?
Can't you see how badly I need someone to acknowledge this?
I just need someone to tell me that yes, I am crazy
To tell me that yes, I am broken
To tell me that yes, I am losing my mind
To tell me that yes, I am a maniac
And then actually do something about it
I need someone to acknowledge the fact that I am a monster
Tell me that I do have faults
Tell me that I do make mistakes
Tell me that I do need to improve
I need someone to tell me that I'm seriously screwing up my life
And then help me to fix it
Without the slightest bit of sugarcoating
And not try to murder what is still a part of me

That's why you and I cannot work as you want us to.



I like what I have.
I'm happy with what I have.

I just don't know if anyone else is.



We were good as close friends.
And yes, I love you.
But now I'm starting to feel smothered.
Now I'm running for the back exit.

But how am I supposed to tell you that without breaking you?

I get massively severe guilt trips, and I'd never forgive myself for giving you that much pain. I'd do the same with anyone else, honest.

Huh.

I guess the only thing I can do is hope you don't find this for a long time.






When the joker tried to tell me
I could cut it in this rube town
When he tried to hang that sign on me
I said 'Take it down'
When the dawn patrol got to tell you twice
They're gonna do it with a shotgun
Yes, I'm cashing in this ten-cent life
For another one


Well, I ain't got the heart
To lose another fight
So until my ship comes in
I'll live night by night


Well, I don't really care
If it's wrong or if it's right
But until my ship comes in
I'll live night by night    

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (CANNON)



Hey there.
You're supposed to be writing a report, you moron.
I know. Just felt like saying hello to you, though.
Don't know why the heck you'd do that. I've been hijacking your consciousness all month. Would've thought you'd have had enough of me by now.
Nope. I miss you when you're not around and yelling at me.
Sheesh you're a headcase. Now write your bloody report.
I will, I will. Give me a minute.
A minute turns to ten minutes in a second with you.
Wait, what?
Never mind.
No, really. That was brilliant.
Glad you think so. But seriously, write that freaking thing. You only have an hour tops before you're going to collapse from fatigue. That's been happening a lot recently.
I know, I know. Mostly because of Rorschach lately.
Good heavens, I swear you are obsessed with that man.
Not obsessed. Just addicted.
Right. I remember when you were like this with Grievous and Davy Jones.
Why does everyone always bring them up?
Because Grievous was part of your daily life for several months in 2005, and you ended up openly admitting that you loved that squidman back in 2006. That's why.
Oh. Good reasons.
Sure are. And Chaos goes without saying.
A-haha, yeah. We'll keep that quiet for now.
Yeah, otherwise we'll get into a whole rant and you'll end up pulling a Johnny-nighter again.
A what?
A Johnny-nighter. Where you stay on the computer until 8AM the next morning doing work, and inevitably end up writing at least 2 journal entries and thinking largely about JTHM during that time.
Good heavens, where are you getting all these terms from?
The ice machine.
Oh. Okay.
It knows things.
You know, I think the both of us need sleep.
Geez, you moron, I'm just joking around. Evil never sleeps, and neither do I.
Aha, you're quoting Rorschach! Wasn't that in a fanfic, though? A good one?
Hell if I know. I'm just trying to keep you awake.
Oh. Yeah. Hey, guess what?
What now?
I'm totally screwed come August.
Why, the trip?
Yeah. Jacob's planning far too much. I wish I wasn't so antisocial and serious, because that really upsets people, y'know? They all want to do stuff and I just want to keep to myself. Maybe talk about something interesting for a bit but that's all. I just... don't want this trip to happen.
You're very mental.
In both senses, yes.
Haha, that is true. But honestly, why are you worrying about this now? I mean, besides the fact that the day is bearing down on you like a freight train.
A freight train full of spike grenades.
Sounds painful.
It is.
What, do you still want them to cancel the visit?
I can't do that. He's looking forward to it too much, and I need to learn to stop being selfish about those things. Just because I don't want something doesn't mean life's going to agree with me on that point.
Hey-- but are we really talking selfishness, or are we going back to the infamous compromise issue?
Ah... you know what, probably the compromise issue.
I find it funny how both Rorschach and Johnny gave you the same bloody advice.
That's because I need it.
Like a hole in the head.
Paradoxically, yes.
I love killing cliches.
Amen.
But yeah, I think it's just that. You're afraid that by allowing this all to happen, you're going to have no other choice but to change your literal personality just to get through it all.
The infamous aura chameleon.
Maybe you are a Crystal, I don't know. We need to go see.
Yeah, someday. Right now, though, I'm more worried about whether or not I'm going to make it through those three days intact. I'm afraid I'm either going to lose something, kill something, or both concerning either of us.
Hmm. Yeah, that's serious stuff.
Tell be about it. Hey, I never heard the full version of the Pikachu remix before.
What the-- oh, the song on WMA right now. Geez, you shocked me.
Sorry. I've never listened to this whole thing before, though. Apparently they sync the English Pokerap into the last minute or so. It's hilariously fun to listen to.
Well, I guess I can thank Newgrounds for that.
Yeah, you can. Geez, I can't believe I found that website when I was 11, haha. Not good for my mental health.
No kidding. Let's get back on topic, though. It's getting late.It's getting early.
Aw, who the heck cares what it's getting. You should be in bed regardless.
One day I'm going to wander in there and there's going to be a note on my pillow saying "BeHinD you"--
Heh, yeah, and then you're going to be in deep trouble.
He'll probably throw my Pokemon plushies at my head or something. "Class tomorrow. I checked. No sleep. Very bad."
I would pay him to do that.
Do it.
Fine. Don't cry when he keeps you up until 4AM, then.
I won't. We'll stay up talking about random stuffs and we'll eat sugar cubes because we can.
Yeah, that'll keep you awake for sure. Hey-- where's that freaking report?
What? Oh, yeah...
Yeah, the report. What did I tell you about the ten minutes, huh? It's 1:14 AM, for the love of sanity. Get finished.
I will, I will. Sorry, Laur... I just really wanted to talk to you tonight.
Oh, that's okay. I just don't want you losing all this sleep again. Very bad.
I'm going to be laughing about that for days.
Good. Now go to sleep before the sugar cubes wear off.
All right, all right!
Report first.
Yeah, can't forget that, Thanks, Laurie.
Anytime.
Oh-- oh geez, look at the entry title...
A-ha haa! Brilliant! How the heck did you do that?
I didn't! I just wrote it there as a topic because that was the last scene I read over, and then you made that joke and...
And it all just fit together perfectly.
Yeah!
Geez,
that was pretty epic, though.
Darn straight.
Damn straight.
Same thing.
No, mine is missing an 'r.'
There's an extra in Rorschach's signature.
You steal that 'r' and you're going to have more than a Celebi plushie thrown at your head.
Like butcher knives.
That's Barry's job, you idiot.
I miss him too.
Well that settles it.
What?
You obviously need sleep.
Yeah, that's true. Well, good night, Laurie.
Good night. And finish that report.
I will.
Good.
Um... are you really going to pay him to do that? Just so I know what to watch for.
Kid, I won't pay him a cent until that report is finished.
All right, I hear you!
You going to leave now, then?
Yeah... I just need a good closing line.
How about we just call it quits and see how that works?
It should work fine, actually.
  

 

 

I asked myself a question last week.

"What makes me the happiest?"

I actually got an answer this time.


The answer is...
Living as a good person
and going back to the good old days.

The 'good old days.' Those diamond days back at the beginning of the millenium, when I was still a child. Oh they were beautiful years.
I can never truly go back, as it's almost a decade later, but that's okay.
However... if I could take those moments and bring them into my life now, however different it is, that would be perfect.


What's odd, though... is that I've also realized that there are some things I need to let go of and some things that I need to find again.
I've been in a severe funk lately, but I'm slowly getting myself out of it.
I invited Nightcrawler back into my headgang after 5 years. I met Rorschach (who's name is incredibly fun to type) just recently, and he's now a major member as well.
I've started talking to Davy and Barry and Grievous and everyone again as well.
I've been thinking about all my old Dream World friends a lot recently.

Now, I just need to get back to typing and drawing and this will be fantastic.

Oh, yeah... and I'm also trying to get back to my best behavior. Laurie's been jolting into my consciousness recently, which is actually a good thing because she keeps me under control... but it's bad that she has to show up. She only shows up when I make a huge mistake or stop being true to myself.

So I'm trying very hard to be 'me' again. I know who I am... I just need to try harder.


And now I have Italian homework to finish and work in 20 minutes so I'm going to wish you all well and call it quits.



Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

 

 

First off, I need to shut the heck up.
I keep causing problems and fights and pain and all sorts of insanity in this household simply because I can’t keep my cursed mouth shut.
My mother thinks I hate her. My grandmother is constantly under fire thanks to me. My brothers avoid me, and my grandfather wants nothing to do with me.
The only way I can figure to help this situation somehow is to simply keep quiet under any and all circumstances… but I can’t.
I’m sorry. I need to learn to stop standing up for myself. Yeah, you heard me.
I’m a selfish, corrupted sinner and if I keep standing up for myself I’m just going to end up kicking everyone else into the dirt and really, I don’t want to do that anymore.

 

I (can I even use that pronoun anymore?) did something absolutely abominable last night. As a result ‘I’ have now declared war on ‘myself.’
…It’s cripplingly frightening when you can’t even refer to yourself as ‘I’ anymore because you know that isn’t you. It’s not. She’s not me. I’m living in my own head now, a furious outcast.
I’m sick of living on the edges of my own sanity. I’m sick of allowing this primal humanity get the best of me when I’m not expecting it. I’m sick of being this thing I’ve become.
I want to be me.
I want to finally be me, and to hell with this sinful past.
I’ll start anew.
I’ll start all over again, and God willing I’ll do it right this time.

 

What the heck is going on with me?


Abbey is burning up. It feels like she has a fever… a terrible plastic fever. I brush my fingertips over her shuddering metal chest and a sickening chill courses down my spine. I’m panicky for some reason.
I can’t take this music anymore… give me something that works.
Here we go… the Killers.

Loose these shackles of pressure; shake me out of these chains. Lead me not to temptation…

 

I’m not looking for sweet talk
I’m looking for time

 

Man, I need a release from this troublesome mind...

 

I’m terribly worried about Rorschach.
Walter Joseph Kovacs. It’s a nice name, really. Doesn’t even upset the spell checker, haha.
I don’t know. Being an empath, his past hurts me terribly, so that’s a sync right there, but… I don’t know. I really look up to him, semi-madman or not.
A voice in my head confronted me about that earlier. It might have been Laurie.

 

“Do you know why you like him so much?”
“It’s because you’re both so alike… he’s an extreme case, but look how far he’s come since then. Look at what he’s been able to do regardless.”
“You admire him because he’s your hope. You want to be able to do what he did. You want to be able to rise above the odds and succeed in the face of all that opposes you.”
“You want to be able to step into the shadows without regret. You want to be able to live without compromise. You want to be just like him.”

 

And maybe I do.

There are a lot of people I’d like to be, admittedly… even though I don’t want to be any of them at the same time.

 

I want to be me.
But the real me carries some part of their personalities with me at all times.

 

I am who I am… and I am who they are.

 

I am an empath.
I am Jewel Lightraye.

 

That’s it.

 

And I still don’t know what that means.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a quick and randomly amusing list of my current non-Dream-World headgang because I've been thinking about 'em all quite a bit recently.
Oh, and by the way... yes, I am out of my head. Just thought you should know.
(No, that's not a joke, and no, I'm not trying to be cute. Keep that in mind, please.)


Format:

0) Name
- Species
- From...
- Met when?
- Title


1) Ryou Bakura
- Human
- Yu-Gi-Oh
- 2002
- Sweetheart

2) Marik Ishtar
- Human
- Yu-Gi-Oh
- 2003
- Pharaoh

3) Chaos Zero
- Energy being
- Sonic Adventure
- 2003
- Soulmate

4) Selph
- Nightmaren
- NiGHTS into dreams...
- 2005
- Muse

5) General Grievous
- Kaleesh
- Star Wars
- 2005
- Sensei

6) Davy Jones
- Human mutant
- POtC
- 2006
- Captain

7) Barry the Chopper
- Human zombie
- FMA
- 2005
- Partner in crime

8) Soryuu Kaminogi
- Human
- Phoenix Wright
- 2007
- Lawyer

9) Midvalley Hornfreak
- Human
- Trigun
- 2006
- Musician

10) Razlo
- Humanoid
- Trigun
- 2006
- Odd job guy

11) Kain
- Unknown
- Otherside
- 2007
- King by default

12) Nightcrawler
- Mutant
- X-Men
- 2003
- Old friend


new guys!

13) Johnny C.
- Human
- JTHM
- 2008
- Mirror

14) Hellboy
- Demon
- Hellboy
- 2008
- That awesome dude I like to talk to at random

15) Rorschach
- Human
- Watchmen
- 2008
- That bizarre dude that I like far too much

16) Reverend Mofo
- Monkey
- Chumble Spuzz
- 2008
- Our resident manic Baptist preacher

17) Bogardus
- Nohrin
- Delgo
- 2009
- A military man with a good heart

15) Mr. Bluesky (FINALLY!)
- Human?
- dark-velox
- 2009
- Everyone's favorite pipe-headed tall guy


I need a bigger headgang, darn it all. We have fun.

Anyway, have a good night!

 

 

 

God I need your help tonight...

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear a voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug...



It's really crazy...
Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can feel his icy arms sliding around my shoulders just like they used to. Those were the good old days... I loved those days, those evenings, those early morning hours. Just my beloved monster and me.

I don't like traditional romance at all.
You want to take your honey out on a date? Go right ahead.
I have never been on a date, and I'm proud of it. (2 movies with friends in 7th grade don't count; I've been asexual since my freaking childhood!)
You want to buy your darling chocolates and flowers for Valentine's day? Fine with me.
I loathe sugar, and flowers are nice to look at but I don't like people spending all this precious money on me. I get all guilty.

And don't even get me started on the physical stuff. Good Lord! I could rant for hours, crazy me.
Holding hands... awkward.
Sappy movie-style talking scenes... no thank you (unless you get all philosophical!).
Kissing and all that... you've got the wrong girl, sir.

I do NOT like romantics. It gets me weird looks and gets me ostracized and many people would look at me and say "damn, that's one lonely lass right there" but of course, they don't know that I'm a total headcase as well.

Sure, I'm horribly uncomfortable and paranoid about romance the way this worldly society lives it, but mind you... that doesn't mean I can't love people.
It only means that I love them and that's it.
I'm afraid that offends some people, as they probably think that I'm repulsed by them, but it's not them... it's the physical contact and the unrealistic words and the silly situations and all that.
It's not for me. I'm sorry.

I can't stand sweet talk, but if someone I love is going to give me a serious conversation about our relationship, I'll take it hands-down. Some of the best conversations of my life have been over everyday life and emotions because that's what a relationship really should be. No flirty junk, but something serious and true that's going to last. Actual love, not infatuation or lust.

"Oh, you sound like an old married woman," you say.
Don't tease me, I say. Too many people tease me.
I am a celibate. What marriage requires I cannot give, and regardless my life is already dedicated entirely to my personal mission of stressfully awesome work and you know it. Yes.

I'm not getting married, ever, but what's cruelly funny is that everyone keeps saying 'she's such a sweetheart, she's going to make somebody a fantastic wife' NO I'M NOT, SORRY.

Geez.

Xenophilia (humanoid xenophilia, haha) is quite bizarrely fun when you're asexual. To heck with the species barrier, y'know. Selph is a biologically asexual nightmare being with no wrists or neck and I freaking adore him. Chaos Zero is an accidental mutant with pure energy fused right into his biology and no organs or anything as a result (the brain is a FACADE) but I love that emerald-eyed monster more than what most people would consider healthy. I don't mind.

Oh dear heavens... let's fuse the past two topics for a terribly funny moment; would you believe that my mother has actually accused me of wanting to marry and/or engage in stereotypical romantic activity (although I would never) with both Davy Jones and General Grievous? What the unholy fish! Seriously!
I mean, sure I love those two maniacs, but geez, it's platonic.
Although... all right, I'll admit, it does NOT help that they each correspond to one of my physical 'obsessions'... metal and water. Yes you heard me. I'm addicted to water and I'm addicted to metal. That is why I used to glomp Grievous daily when I was 15, I think. Poor dude.
...Don't even mention Chaos Zero right now. I swear I will hit you with a can. A can of bricks.

I forgot how awesome Thomas Dolby's music was.

Oh yeah, and if you ever get the chance to try Orbit's orange gum, DO IT. Try the Mint Mojito too. I swear I can't stop eating the darn things. Well, not eating, as it's gum, but you know what I mean.

How did I even start this rant... hey, didn't I do this two entries back? Gosh.


Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...


One day I want to meet Chaos Zero in a dream again and I want us to get stuck outside during a downpour.
...
Or maybe we could just play chess?

 

 

 

Starlight

Why don't you close your eyes, it's late at night
You say you're scared of what you see at night
You'd rather stay wide awake

Silently

My child, will you even remember me?
When morning comes what will be left of me?
It's becoming more than I can take


You're just a silly little
Silly little dreamer
A fantasy believer
You never seem to know
Exactly where you're going to go

Each night you wander through your head
Through empty streets and sobbing shadows
The stars fade into red
Open your eyes and face tomorrow


Sunlight

Why are you crying, love, are you alright?
You don't have to be scared, I'll stay with you tonight
And keep the nightmares away

Finally

I'm so much more than just a memory
Cathedrals made of glass can't hide what she can see
I only wish she could stay


She's just a silly little
Silly little dreamer
But I don't want to leave her
She never seems to know
Exactly where she has to go

Each night she wanders through her mind
Through empty halls and burning fires
The sorrow leaves her blind
And she can only see the wires

She can only see the puppetstrings


Moonlight

I'm standing here beneath a streetlight
On just another lonely weeknight
With all the pain that I feel

Quietly

When you awake it's not the end of me
This world is more than what it seems to be
Believe me, everything here is real


You're just a silly little
Silly little dreamer
A fantasy believer
You never seem to know
Exactly where you're going to go

Each night you wander through your head
Through empty streets and sobbing shadows
The stars fade into red
Open your eyes and face tomorrow

You silly little dreamer
Impossible believer
There's still so much you do not know
I'll take you where you need to go

Tonight we'll wander through your mind
Through crystal skies and fields of flowers
I promise to be kind
You only have a few short hours
Before you say goodbye


There's so much more I need to say
But then the dawn steals you away
And I look forward to the starlight

 

No matter how much love I give...
No matter how much love I get...

It always feels...

...Unrequited.



So what do I do now?



Q knows I love him, but I don't say so enough.

Ditto that point with Bakura and Marik, too.

I never feel as if I'm letting them know as much as I should.


Chaos Zero knows I love him, and I tell him constantly.

But... I still feel as if I'm just not saying what I need to say.


I love Selph dearly, but sometimes days go by where I barely say a word to him.

I hope he doesn't feel ignored or forgotten...

I always tell him how I feel, though... but is it enough?



Will it ever be enough?


No matter what I say
No matter what I do
No matter how I feel
It never feels like enough.
Maybe that's the way love works
Maybe that's how it's supposed to be
But that doesn't mean
That it doesn't break my heart
Every time it crosses my mind.




I don't even know if Jim knows.

He means so freaking much to me... always has, and always will, but...

...Should I say anything?

Should I tell him what I almost said back in December?

Should I tell him that I love him as much as I do?

Or should I keep quiet and keep wondering?


It's the same situation with Ben.

He's an amazing kid, and I love him too, but...

...I don't know whether or not I should say anything...

...Now or ever.



What do you do
When you can't say how you feel
Because you don't want to offend
Or you don't want to give the wrong impression?
What do you do
If you just want to stay friends
But you still want them to know
How much they will always mean to you?
What do you do
When you simply can't say
"I love you?"




It hurts like hell, you know.

 

 

Randomosity abounds.


Mum keeps calling about random stuff and she might buy me that one Starsailor album I've been looking for if she finds it... you know, the one with "Alcoholic" on it? And I keep having to run around the house and look stuff up for her when she calls, which is always fun.

Lightning ended up cutting the watermelon into 3-inch thick slices by accident (as the bread knife curves), which was awesome. We promptly dubbed it "watermelon cake" and proceeded to stuff ourselves with it, haha. I somehow downed two slices.

Then Viral came home and Diamond suggested we watch Digimon, which Viral vehemently agreed to and then jumped headfirst into a WoW conversation and now they're both ranting about MGS4 which is freaking sweet. I need to get into that series, that and Half-Life. I don't get time to game much.

I just wish there was an awesome 4-player Xbox 360 Sonic game where you could play as everyone from Ray to Mighty to Tiara to Big to Nack to Rouge to Marine to Chaos Zero to Shade and it had a SSBM-esque mode that was tons of fun and didn't get you frustrated and we'd all sit in the living room and play it for hours.

I still need to write more FFN tracks... every time I get an idea I'm far away from my laptop which is a pain. I need to start bringing a voice recorder with me everywhere I go so I won't forget this stuff.

Speaking of music, I've been dreaming of Jim a lot. I saw KoH in a dream about 2 weeks ago, but he was in a lot of pain... his claws were purple and razor-sharp but were all Edward Scissorhands-ish, and he declared through his tears that he would relinquish the entire Kingdom of Otherside to whoever could save him. I wish I knew what was happening so I could help...
But anyway Jim was in my dreams on Monday and Tuesday nights. On Monday I was actually in London Colney, I guess, because I met him while I was walking around outside and we just walked together for a while and talked about stuff. It was fantastic. Last night his family allegedly moved into a nearby town, about 10 minutes away from my house, and although I was actually at their house and saw Jim at the beginning of the dream, I spent the entire remainder of it wandering around a huge city with Diamond and Lightning looking for him.

I was thinking about my heartbox in class today... I had brought my dream journal with me to jot down memory notes and I stumbled across that entry. I didn't know it was late October when I met him! That's a while back. Anyway, I miss that box. He was awesome. Oh, by the way I went into a wake-dream with him during our 10-minute break... I finally gave him his batteries, and they made him glow deep red here and there. It was odd... after thanking me, the first thing he said was "so, would you like to try me out?" You remember, the heartbox was made specifically for those who could not feel certain emotions... empathy and altruism in particular... my two most cherished emotions, really. I wonder why he asked me that? Hm... I'll have to try him in a lucid dream sometime, I owe him that much (plus I have a technological/ metal obsession, haha. Really, I'm addicted to metal and water). By the way I asked him if he'd like me to name him, as I've just been calling him "heartbox." He said he'd never had a name and "heartbox" was just fine, but I could name him if I wanted. I might. I'll look up a lot of names and find one that fits him. Or maybe I'll stick with "heartbox"... I just like the feeling that gives.
I swear, though, that thing just radiates wisdom. I honestly think he is the 'ghost in the machine,' somehow. He just feels like it. Sentient technology, I suppose...

I'm obsessed with technology. I love logic. I love numbers. I like having formulas and equations that I can manually work out and plan with my own mind and hands to reach an exact answer.
I like that sort of work. Order and science and data and knowledge and wisdom. Intellectual work.
I want to learn programming. I want to understand numbers and physics. I want to be able to understand each and every brain-joke that they write into xkcd. I want to know these things.

And yet... I'm so addicted to chaos.

Chaos, even before I met the being with that name, has always been an integral and irreplaceable part of my life. It's a part of me. The butterfly effect... the glitch in the otherwise-perfect program. The variable.
I love my numbers and I like when things work out just so, but... when something screws up, especially for an unknown reason... when the schedule just goes out the window and time loses its meaning... when you look back on the history of the universe and look past the logic that permeates it all and see the pure inexplicable chaos... it just thrills me. I get a bizarre sort of mental high when I come across something that cannot be explained with our current knowledge and technology, when I find something that there is and may never be a definite answer for. Hence my addiction to philosophy as well as psychology. I like to explain things, to take things apart and see how they work... but at the same time, nothing scares and excites me more than when I can't.
I love it when I just can't explain something.

You know what ticks me off? I've had so many people accuse me of being a lesbian it's insane. I mean, I can see someone assuming I'm bisexual, but homosexual?
First non-savings money I can get (God only knows when that will be) I'm buying a boatload of AVEN stuff and wearing it on a daily basis. That'll teach them.
Honestly... it's hard to live as an (and I quote) asexual-antisexual polyamorous celibate nowadays, haha. Isn't it always?

You know, I just thought of something Jim said to me the other day... let me quote, because this really hit me hard--
"You've been the only thing sometimes that kept me getting up in the morning without wanting to fake another sick day. You mean a MASSIVE amount to me, and I know likewise."
I'm honestly speechless.

By the way-- my beloved muse, Selph, is celebrating his 3rd birthday in this reality on Friday, wahoo! Seems like forever, though. Seriously.
Oh well. May we have many more years together, darling. 'Maren and dreamer. That's one unbeatable team, huh?




I need more days like this.

 

Regardless, I really shouldn't be posting, haha. Honestly.

I'm going through a severe personal crisis right now, and as a result I've been trying to stay totally disconnected from anything Internet-related, yes sir.


However, I pulled a French leave this time, and said nothing save for a cryptic entry right here on LJ almost a week ago.
Well, of course I feel terribly guilty about that one... but I don't want anyone panicking over me or worrying themselves silly over me.
Remember my crisis in January? Exactly.
I don't want to cause a ton of trouble all over again... so I said nothing on IJ, Xanga, Scribbld, NiD, or dA... just here. I wanted to leave just a little warning, just a hint, so people wouldn't think I had simply died or disappeared! Thank goodness that hasn't happened.


But about January. This is... worse.


Why?


Well... now I'm in college. Now I'm an adult. Now I have to worry about finances and cars and divorce and classes and personal stress and a ludicrous amount of guilt on top of it all.


I'll get through it, as always... but I'm worried sick that my family isn't going to get through this in one piece.
So I'm staying offline until I can settle this somewhat. I need to focus on what's immediately important...




Eh... life's been bad, but it was horribly selfish and inconsiderate of me to do what I did.
You know, just leaving and not saying anything, especially with how much my friends were worrying about me.
I figured it would be best to just stay quiet and go about life... but when my brother told me that Q had posted a dA entry asking for my return, I began to worry.
Thats when it hit me.
If I was in their place, and they were in my place...


Empathy. Pardon my language, but it hurts like hell sometimes. You know how deep mine goes.
I thought of that... I thought of how much I would worry and panic if one of my close friends ever left without an explanation, like I did... I thought of how much heartache I would suffer as a result and how desperately I would try to find out what had happened to them and how to help you if I could.
I was stupid and selfish enough to forget that fact when I posted that cryptic journal and simply walked out the door without a word.
And now I'm paying the price.


Heartache.
My mind is a mess...


Today was a mess, who am I kidding? I walked into my afternoon class today on the verge of tears, my hands shaking so much I could barely hold a pencil. I'm honestly shocked that I scored so well on my final. Probably because I was praying like crazy. (And I mean that in the literal sense, mind you! My mind is shot!)




Gosh this journal is getting long by accident. I should be asleep! I need to get a lot of work done tomorrow!


Final little statement or three...




Didja notice my journal is PiNK? Well, not exactly pink, or I wouldn't use it, haha, even though I adore that iMAGNi lass. I like the dark pinks when literal colors are concerned, though.
This journal... it's more of a RASPBERRY, don't you think?
RESOLUTiON. Something I desperately need right now.


Oh yes and I love this song.

"MELLOW MELODY" by CEUI. Song of the entry, kids!
The song itself is simply gorgeous... and the lyrics are beautifully sweet. Plus they apply to me incredibly well, haha. I love lyrics like that.
Here, go read. --> http://gendou.com/amusic/lyrics.php?id=8124&show=2 See what I mean?
For some unknown reason I want to eventually make a Puremaren AMV of sorts to this song. Yes I do. I have it planned out already!



Geez I'm getting tired, though. Ah well. Guess I'd better call it quits.



...


Tiffany, if you're reading this... thank you. If you ever need someone to talk to who will not judge you, or just a shoulder to cry on, I'm right here. I want to be a true friend to you. I haven't known you for very long, but from what I know, you're an amazing person with a beautiful personality and you deserve a ton of love. I hope life starts looking up for you very soon... I've read what you've been through, and I can empathize. I don't want you to suffer if I can help alleviate it somehow... send me a note, okay? I'll be here.
On a different note, I, um... well, I've always dreamed of having a friend named Tiffany. Honest. I don't know why, but I always have. And now I do. Thanks a billion, love.




Well, that's all for tonight, my dears. It's already 1:20 AM, dear heavens... that's it, I'm off to sleep.
Oh and I saw KoH in my dream not three days ago... poor dear was really in a horrible situation, though. And Selph showed up in my dream on... you know what? Read this. --> http://homefive.livejournal.com/1049.html Mind you, it's a very strange and negative dream, which led to my having quite a bad day afterwards, but... yeah. All my dreams lately have been bad or empty, save for one on the 22nd (I think) which was pure awesome. I literally woke up laughing. I'll have to write that one down tomorrow, just because. I'll try and find a little time, okay?




1:23, aha! Talk about coincidence or a lack thereof.


I don't know when I'll see you guys here again... hopefully it won't be too long, but I can't say anything for sure at this point. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.


Keep dreaming, keep believing, and keep looking up.


Love you kids.


Good night.







~spinningcannon

 

 

Current Mood: very, very unstable.
Current Music: "Mellow Melody" (Ceui)

 

 

Not a nightmare, but not a dream.
My memory begins abrubptly and I am in the front seat of my car, parked outside my house. The doors are somehow locked from the outside, and I cannot get out. Someone is in the car with me, in the back seat. Supposedly it is my brother Viral, but I cannot see his face so I cannot be sure. Regardless, he begins to brutally beat me as I try to escape, not showing any mercy even as I begin to sob from panic.
I begin to shout for help, knowing that there were people inside the house, but my brother began to hit me over the head with something to make me stop. However, in a minute or so, two creatures came outside and stood directly outside the front door. One was moderately short, and wore a dark red, full-body cloak that concealed all but its claws and its face, which was purple with golden eyes. The second was almost twice as tall as he was, with (I think) orange skin, but I don’t recall how he looked at all. Even so, they didn’t approach any further. I hoped that they would come to my aid, but the small one declared, “You remain loyal to Master Wizeman, so we will not save you.” Without another word they turned and went inside as if nothing had happened.
I was heartbroken and desperate now, wondering why my loyalty to the being that was my muse's father was such a problem, and whether or not I would get out of this car and away from my brother. As I thought this, Viral suddenly began to tie me up with pink and orange wires. They looked thin and brittle, but when I tried to break them they were not only iron-solid but also constrictive. Now paralyzed and panicked, I frantically tried to think of a way to escape when my brother cried out in angry shock. Almost simultaneously the colored wires snapped and the car doors opened. I looked up to see that my brother had been blinded by some unknown means, but I also noticed a green draconic creature standing outside the door on his side. He was wearing a black-and-white outfit of some sort. The creature smiled grimly at me and I quickly got out of the car so Viral wouldn’t start attacking me again.
I ran into the house and suddenly my awareness switched. I was now watching some sort of commercial, showing two burly men eating raspberry cheesecake in a fancy bedroom. There were two blond girls in the bed, both wearing dark teal lingerie. The one said “I would do anything for some of that,” indicating the dessert. The men looked up in disbelief, but the girl only grinned maliciously and repeated “anything,” now tugging at her brassiere. Thank God my awareness warped right then, and I ended up standing in the mirror area of our far bathroom (it has two parts). The door was closed and I was alone, and suddenly those two men from the commercial walked in and began shaving their arms. I found this very odd but didn’t say anything, as I wasn’t physically present at this part of the dream. Suddenly the girls from before burst through the door, demanding “what in the world are you doing” of the men. The men tried to reply but were too confused, as I assume they had been told to shave by the girls but now had no clue what was going on. During this entire conversation I didn’t look at the girls, as they weren’t wearing anything. Suddenly the door slammed open again, and an older woman (in her early 40s, I guess) marched in and asked me “why the hell I wasn’t doing what she told me to do.” I understood that this meant she wanted me to be a prostitute like the other girls, as that was indeed what they were. I replied “because that’s absolutely disgusting and I refuse do to that under any circumstances”, as I’m a vehement antisexual/asexual and also have a strong moral code against such behavior. Well, the woman became quite furious with me and began belittling and insulting me about unrelated things, but she was saying the exact same things that my mother does. I don’t exactly remember how the topic came up, but at one point in the argument she said she was my mother, although she looked nothing like her. I told her this but that just provoked another stream of insults. Now, during this entire tirade, I was simply standing in silence, not moving or protesting. I guess this got on the woman’s nerves as well because she eventually turned around, filled a glass with water, and furiously threw it in my face with an accompanying oath. She did this several times, and I felt Laurie beginning to grow angry to the point where she wanted to tear the glass out of the woman’s hand and fling it across the room, demanding an explanation, but I realized this would accomplish nothing and was really a silly thing to do so I just turned around and left. The woman turned to follow me, still screaming, but I ran down to the kitchen and got there before her.
Now in the kitchen, I walked over to the kitchen sink and started packing food into some random tote bag with all intention of ‘running away from home.’ However, I soon realized that all the food we had was either immediately perishable or disgustingly unhealthy, so I left the bag there and decided to just wing it. I heard the woman from before coming down the hall so I quickly ran outside.
Outside it was nighttime. The scenery was also heavily snowed over, which didn’t strike me as odd despite the realtime date. I hesitated at the door for a moment, wondering what to do as I couldn’t take the car, but then I realized that the woman and her two girls were right behind me so I ran down the driveway to the hill beneath Diamew. For some reason there were all these floating snow discs there, reaching from ground level all the way up to the hilltop, which was far higher than it usually is. I tried to step on one but it dissolved under my feet. Now worried as the women had almost caught up with me, I was about to give up and run when Selph appeared in physical form in front of me. He told me to follow him, and jumped onto the nearest snow disc. Immediately it turned pink and orange and visibly solidified. I stepped onto it and it wobbled dangerously, so I asked Selph if he could fix that. He apologized and said he would, now stepping on the nearest disc to that one and continuing in a close path up the hill (as I can’t fly like he can). The next disc didn’t wobble at all, and so I quickly made my way up the path to the hilltop. Looking down, the discs disappeared and I also realized that the women were nowhere in sight.
I turned around to face a large tree behind me. At its base was a sizeable pile of ice spheres. They were all about the size of golf balls and were completely clear except for a spare few, which were powder blue and translucent. Some sort of voice in my head began to narrate that they were “ice bubbles,” and that they were completely under my control, as I apparently had control over ice and snow here. However, the narrator continued, saying that he found it “very strange, because although I had powers of ice, I had a soul of fire.” This made me incredibly sad for some reason, and I simply stood there in the cold for a minute, staring out at the empty world before me. From the hilltop, I could see not only my house but the entire valley stretching on beyond it, giving the landscape a feeling of intense depth. At the farthest point in the distance, directly between two mountains, I noticed there was this pillar of light. It was quite wide at the base, as if it was exploding from something, but narrowed into a beam which curved towards me and arced through the sky over my head. I tilted my head back to look at it, and noticed that it was quite bright above me, and clearly defined. It was also more of a blue in color. Back at the base it was bright white and unfocused, but it was dim to the point where you couldn’t see it if you looked straight on; you had to look slightly to its side in order to really see it. I found this very odd.
As I was staring at this gorgeous light, it suddenly hit me that it was, apparently, “Nicodemus’ searchlight.” According to my dream knowledge, ‘Nicodemus’ was a hero of Light who came to the aid of those in dire need. When that light was visible as it was now, that meant someone needed him. I looked back down to the driveway and noticed that the green being that had saved me from my brother and the car was there. He was standing off to the left, close to the hill, and was waving up at me with a smile. I waved back, and understood that he was indeed the being named ‘Nicodemus.’ Suddenly I heard a phone begin to ring, and realized that it was coming from inside the house. I realized that this was apparently Nicodemus’ phone, however, and that people were calling in to ask for his help. However, it kept ringing and ringing, and I wondered why he wasn’t picking up, even though he wasn’t in the driveway anymore so he must have gone inside. Eventually this incessant ringing became quite comical for some reason, and I decided to throw some of my ice bubbles every time it rang from a certain point on. With each succeeding ring, then, I tossed a single clear ice bubble towards the light on the mountains, laughing as I did so. I could only do this a few times, however, as I found it too funny to continue after a while. “Why doesn’t he answer the phone?” I asked no one in particular, still laughing into the icy air.
I then decided that I would answer the phone myself. I realized that I wasn’t wearing any shoes all of a sudden, but figured “heck with it” and ran across the hill to where there is a path down to the road. I continued running in my bare feet, realizing how cold it was but not being negatively affected by it, which was nice.
I was almost to the house when I woke up.

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (SPINNY)

 
...
What's the matter?
...Bad afternoon.
Really?
Really. Mom yelling and all that... and inevitable guilt trips.
Guilt trips? What caused them this time?
Oh, you know... mom making me feel inadequate, making me feel as if I'll never be good enough for her because I'm always so freaking selfish and ignorant and distracted... telling me how much she hates her freaking life and a good deal of that blame goes to me. And then there's Jacob. I always get so horribly distracted, no matter what I'm doing... drawing, writing, attending class, talking on Skype. And then he'll ask me a question and my mind will just blank out. Completely blank out. I feel so disgustingly guilty for not paying more attention, even though I try.
Your mind's just a frazzled mess.
Yes it is.
Well, I don't know what to tell ya. You've been like this since you were a kid, and no one has any clue what the hell is wrong with you. At all.
I know... I just wish I could be a better person at home.
Hmm. Well, you're trying. That's got to count for something.
I'm not trying nearly as hard as I should.
It's still something.
Yeah, but... Selph keeps reminding me, if I don't try as hard as I can, no matter how difficult it is, then I'm not going to get anywhere. I know how true that is just from my own freaking experience, and I'm sick of it.
Your guys say you're perfect.
Yeah, well I don't. That's their viewpoint, not mine. Of course they're going to say that the person they love is perfect. They don't see how deeply flawed I am.
Well, you say they're all perfect too, so what the hell is that?
I say they're perfect because they're perfect to me. I know they have flaws. They have some pretty darn big ones. But they try too, and that is indeed what counts.
Stop being such a bloody hypocrite, Jewel. If they have flaws but try to be better, that makes them perfect in your eyes, but if you do the exact same freaking thing, it makes no difference. What the heck?
I was wondering when you were going to start swearing.
Yes, well, I mellowed out since Thursday. I was mad at you earlier, but I calmed down for a while until now. Now I'm pretty pissed off again. Why do the rules always break when applied to you, huh?
They don't. Not the bad ones. The good ones do. That's because I am me, and I am not satisfied with where I am in life. If my friends want to view me as perfect, if I truly am perfect in their eyes, fine. But when I look in the mirror I'm not happy. That's what counts the most to me in this situation-- my own opinion of my state in life. I am the ONLY one controlling what I do, id in the back of my head or not. I am the ONLY person responsible for my actions, no matter how much blame I take from others on altruistic principles. I am the ONLY person living this life, and if I'm not living it well, then I'm not going to be happy, darn it all.
I have no problem with that, but you have got to stop setting such unrealistically high standards for yourself.
Unrealistically high? What's so unrealistically high about my standards?
You expect yourself to be perfect in the unattainable sense of the word. Flawless. You can't do that, Jewel. You're mortal. You're just a human.
I know that, for heaven's sakes, and please, don't rub it in! I don't expect to be flawless for that very reason. I just... want to be close to it. I want my flaws to be small... good flaws. Little flaws, that do no harm to anyone else but me. These flaws I have are freaking huge; giant gashes in my persona with sharp edges that tear apart anyone I dare to get close to, even a little. I hate it. I literally hate it, and I'm sick of it.
Oh, come on. Your flaws aren't that big. There are people out there who have made far greater mistakes than you have.
I know that, but I already told you that doesn't matter to me! I'm a self-sacrificial altruist, darn it! If they make mistakes, that's okay. I know they're trying, and they're probably doing their best. They have different morals or lifestyles or problems than I do. But I am not responsible for their actions. I can try to change them, sure, I can try to help them, the best I can, but in the end the only actions I can truly and completely change are my own, and if I can't change those than my flaws are freaking big enough.
Geez, stop being so bloody hard on yourself, all right? Just keep trying to change yourself and you'll get there eventually.
I am trying. I'm not good enough.
You will be in time. Keep trying.
I thought I was the optimist, Laurie?
Only when applied to others, it seems. Your altruism is beginning to implode.
Ah, yes, that is true. My old attribute of Sacrifice, right?
Right. Stop killing yourself. Remember what you said in your Scribbld way back when.
I do, Laurie. Believe me, I do. But if I don't improve, then I'll be killing myself. I'm doing okay right now.
You sure?
Yes I'm sure. The only things depressing me and making me feel and act awful are my faults. Selfishness, stupidity, ignorance, folly, distraction, gluttony, self-hatred, worthlessness, inadequacy. All that and more. You know that.
Yeah, but you always put so much emphasis on the bad. You have good qualities, too.
Geez, why are you being so nice to me tonight?
I can be nice when I want to. Plus I already said I was mean enough to you the other night.
Swear at me.
I'll swear at you when I damn well want to.
All right, it is you.
What, you doubting me?
No, I was just afraid you had absorbed a bit of Lynne or something.
Oh, heck no! I'm too much of a bully to be Lynne or anything close to her.
Not even a little bit?
Not even a little bit. Hey, I've always been nice. I just show it the wrong way.
Through screaming and swearing, you mean.
Damn straight. That's me to a T.
That it is. I'm just... not used to you actually pointing out my good side and all that when I'm putting myself down. Usually you scream at me and get me to change my mind myself. Why the sudden switch?
I thought you deserved  a break. Plus you're tired and need sleep. If I started swearing I'd keep you up all night. That and it's easier to just tell you the truth myself.
Ah. You really believe that's the truth, then?
I know it's the truth, yeah. Just like Selph. Hey, speaking of, where is he?
Sitting right here next to me, as usual.
Why doesn't he join in?
It's too late. He doesn't want to jump in and start a whole new train of thought at this hour.
Same with Chaos, huh?
Yeah. He's off talking to his J-Monster buds, but he says that "no way is he going to keep me up until 3AM."
Aha, that's Chaos for you. He's a great guy.
Yeah, he is. Hey, I thought you were the one insulting him before?
In that positive way of mine. You know me.
Yeah, I do. ...I say "yeah" too much.
You do. Don't worry about it, though. Go to bed. It's late. I'll scream at you tomorrow if you want.
Do you want to?
Hell yes. I'm not used to being this nice for so long, and you do need a good screaming session every once in a while. Plus it'll be fun to do that with two of your guys in the same room.
That's true... just... don't upset them too much. Selph is very fragile, and Chaos is dangerous when he's angry.
I know that, and I don't care. I'll do whatever it takes to knock some sense into you.
...About what?
About whatever tomorrow's issue is.
It should be the same as today's. Perfection. I'm very upset about that subject, and we really need to talk about it some more. Especially with two other viewpoints adding their opinions.
Does Selph view you as perfect, too?
In the 'romantic sense.' He shares my views of my responsibility, though. That's why I'm so freaking grateful to have him around. He's almost like a living conscience... very harsh, and he doesn't sugarcoat the truth, but he loves me just as much as I love him so it's never negative or malicious. It stings, but he only says it to help.
Aww.
I know. He's a sweet guy. I just need to be careful not to hurt him with what I do because then he tends to get really upset. We've had some fights over that before, and if there's one thing I hate it's finding myself in an argument with someone I love dearly.
Meaning everyone in the whole freakin' world.
Yeah, that is true. But you know what I mean.
Uh-huh. Now sleep. It's 12:24. You have to drive your brothers to church tomorrow.
Ooh, that I do. I'm off, then. Besides, I don't want my mother insulting and belittling me again. It hurts.
Aha, there's another subject we need to cover!
Tomorrow.
Yes, tomorrow. Now go to sleep before I can you.
All right, all right. Good night, Laurie.
Good night. Tell Wizeman I said hello.
If I see him I will. Talk to you tomorrow.
I'll be waiting.
Oh, I'm sure you will be.
Inevitably.
 
 
 

 

 

Is this really what life should be?
They all say it is, yes.
But I don't know.
Even if this 'life' is typical in today's sorry society...
...It's not right.
It's not 'life.'

 

Hypocrisy.
There's so freaking much of it!
It goes in circles here, over and over, and it's very sad, really.

 

My mother hates my father. My grandmother belittles her for it, but she hates him too.
My grandmother and mother don't ever get along, and constantly get into "denial fights."
"That mother of yours does nothing but lie. Let me tell you the truth..."
"That grandmother of yours does nothing but lie. Let me tell you the truth..."
You know, I don't know whether to believe one of you, both of you, or neither of you anymore.
I don't know what to believe.
Your own child. Your own grandchild.
Isn't that awful?

 

My father alternates regularly between what everyone else says is totally fake kindness and what everyone else says is total unconcern.
I've seen both. I clearly remember the "good old days"... as a tiny kid, you know? He would crack jokes and play with me and all sorts of things. He would be there, at home, for a good part of the day.
But how old was I then, 4?
As the years passed, he drifted very, very far away. And I don't think he got along with my little twin brothers at all.
I remember the one day he locked Diamond out of the house late at night because he was furious...
I remember the one night he grabbed me by the hair and lifted me up to the ceiling and I don't recall why...
I remember the one afternoon Viral and I were terrified because we were in the car with him and he was roaring at us...
I remember the countless times he came home at ungodly hours of the morning, drunk out of his head.
He drives me to class as I don't have a car, but that's really it...
He hasn't lived in this house since November began.
We've only visited his apartment three times, tops...
"I never said I didn't want those kids!"

 

My grandfather goes between screaming at me for being stupid and worthless to praising me for being the only kid that listens to saying how great my grandmother is to declaring that he can't stand that woman being around the house.
Both my grandparents regularly explode-- and I mean explode-- because of my mother or my brothers.
God, I try so hard to keep my own name from being added to the list of causes. It's managed to stay off for a long time. Thank you.
They scream, they shout, they break things, they throw things, they hit us, they frighten us to death.
And then they deny it the next day.

 

My brothers... I don't know what's happening to them.
Diamond is terribly spiteful and smartmouthed. He ignores everyone, talks back to my grandmother, hides when he has chores to do, sleeps all day. Tell him to take a bath, "I took one yesterday." Tell him to eat dinner, he'll take one tiny forkful, "I already ate dinner!" No, you ate about seven popsicles and several candy bars but that's it. For that I blame my mother, though. She won't pay any attention to what's going on with you three... she spends a good deal of her kid-concentration time on screaming at me, over work, over medical bills, over college expenses, over parts of my personality she can't stand. It's too much sometimes.

 

Lightning has a temper fitting to his name. He's a literal bomb when you get him angry, and that can be achieved as easily as accusing him once that he didn't do his homework (and he really didn't). He has been known to break computers, televisions, mirrors, plates, headphones, wires of all sorts, game systems, CDs, toys, books, phones, doors and heaven knows what else all in a fit of rage. You know he's mad when theres a shriek followed by a hideous crash. He screams a lot, whines whenever he talks, and cries at the drop of a hat. I don't blame the poor kid, though. I've seen and heard the sort of verbal abuse he gets from my mother almost daily. Just like me.

 

Viral is scaring me. 98% of his day is spent playing guitar, playing Warcraft, sleeping, or talking to his girlfriend on the phone or on an instant messenger or in person because she's staying over our house for the whole day again. He makes out with her for hours on the living room couch and my mother doesn't even bat an eye. He is terribly cruel to my parents. He will throw shockingly scathing insults at my grandmother and mother alike, not to mention my little brothers and I. He hates my father with a burning passion, and possibly my grandmother too, as he's always fighting with her and doesn't even stop when she's in tears. However he also has a terribly severe problem with depression and self-abuse. He's been cutting himself with knives, razors, and God only knows what else for about 4, 5 years now, and supposedly all because of his father. I dread to imagine why, but haven't got a clue and he won't talk. He also talks of suicide frighteningly often, and as you all know, was sent to an actual "hospital" for that very reason and was only sent home because they couldn't keep him any longer by law. He used to break down and sob in school every day, and as a result he's been homeschooled since 2008 started. I really don't know what's happening to him or how to help, but I am scared out of my freaking mind.

 

Me... I try disgustingly hard to keep myself from contributing to the problem.
As a kid, I was awful. I was a literal spitfire from birth to grade 5, and then I plummeted into a hyperspeed downward spiral, and only recently have I been picking up some of that old energy, but in a positive way.
As a kid... well. I was disobedient, I was horribly rebellious, I wanted to be free to live life as excitingly as I wanted to and so I hated chores and rules and time-outs and homework. I loved to draw and write and dream and walk outside for hours just talking to the monsters I knew, but I was only allowed to do that for so long. I swore, I lied, I didn't pay attention in class, I hid from responsibility. I ran around and screamed and beat up on my brothers and got into huge arguments with my mother and grandmother. In third grade, I got in such a furious fight with Viral that I knocked out three of his teeth and left him bruised and bloody... and he left me the exact same way. That scared me to death even back then, that we could actually do such a thing...
Fortunately and unfortunately, my parents and grandparents would always discipline me. With a freaking stick and belt.
That's right, the sort of discipline that today would get them filed up for child abuse. Oh, but that wasn't even the worst! The rosaries and rice were dreaded enough, but what really scared me into submission was the lethal combination of my grandmother's truly terrifying fire and brimstone lectures, and the little pit of hell we had in our own basement... the coal cellar.
Dear God, are those ever bad memories. Bad, BAD memories. That was the ultimate, unopposable threat-- "If you don't do what I'm telling you to right now, I'm going to lock you in the cellar!"
I remember my little brother Diamond  being dragged, kicking and screaming, down the cellar steps, and my little brother Lightning sobbing his eyes out and trying to pry my mother's fingers off his twin's arms.
I remember my little brother Lightning being dragged down those same stairs, shrieking in terror, and my little brother Diamond simply watching his plight from the hallway.
I don't ever remember Viral going down there. Well, my grandmother always said he was mom's favorite, even today. Except today it's painfully obvious.
I was dragged down there twice. I may have been a brazen little brat at times, but at other times I was a perfect angel, and not just for the brownie points. You know me today; I was still Jewel Lightraye back then, even though I didn't realize it until I was about 8 years old. But Preludove is a whole other story.
The first time I was dragged down I only got halfway down the steps. I was crying my eyes out and pleading and promising that I would be better, and somehow they let me go.
The second time was the last... and the most traumatic experience of my entire freaking life. Devil in the hall included.
I don't even remember what I did. I don't even remember if I did anything.
All I remember is being bodily dragged downstairs, down the hallway, past the iron-bolt door, down another hallway, and all the way down to the darkest corner of the house-- the coal cellar.
And they shoved me in there.
Well, something inside me snapped. In a burst of pure terror, I kicked the wooden door so freaking hard I completely shattered the window and broke the hinges. Spitfire that I was, I ran for my life down that hallway and all the way to the stairs, mum and grandma on my tail-- but my grandfather was standing, huge and indomitable, in the middle of the steps. I was trapped.
But I couldn't take it. I risked falling a good 8 feet sideways and jumped around him, where there was no railing, and ran all the way back up to blessed ground floor... but my dad was waiting.
By this point I was too scared to do anything and didn't want him to get angry, heavens no, so I just collapsed into sobs on the kitchen floor. Well, they picked me up and tied me to a chair while they took turns lecturing me, but none of it even registered as I was just too damn happy to be alive, I swear I had thought I was going to die.
How old had I been, 5?
I don't remember. Cruelly young, that's what.

...

But it's not all bad. I have some amazing memories.

Like those sunny weekend days mum would randomly decide to go shopping with me, and we would stop at Borders and have coffee and talk about the new sci-fi magazines and wander through the malls and just talk and laugh and crack jokes about Wizeman and discuss school and work just like a mom and her child should.

Like those fantastic afternoons where everyone else was gone to work or lessons or wherever, and it would be just me and my grandparents home, and they would be all smiles and would make sure I knew how much it meant to them that I was keeping them company, that I was always so kind to them, that I always listened and was a great grandchild to have. Just those bright summer afternoons where I would help my grandmother with her puzzles and she would help me with my homework and have a lot of fun doing so. Lovely, priceless moments, as you never know how much time you have left...

Like those nights like tonight where my dad takes the time to drive me home from college classes and ends up reminiscing about his good old fun days in the 70s, and we always end up laughing until our sides hurt. Stories about bars with peanut shells all over the floor and only sold beer in mason canning jars and the ones where you could buy a whole case for $7 but you had to buy a case or nothing at all. Stories about ice-skating on the roads in our hometown because they never plowed them back then and stories about his friends street racing on the back roads and stories about how many cars he used to have as he was in the business and the one time he literally traded one for a drill, stories about hot rods that he custom built and had to sell because he needed money to support his children. Just bits of his life that I got to add to my memories. The sort of time I miss spending with him, like when I was a kid. 

Like this afternoon, when I came home from school and Viral glomped me out of nowhere. Like those times where Diamond and I would sit and laugh over Sonic for hours and talk about Pokemon and take turns blowing the dust off items in Spectrobes. Like those times Lightning had no one to talk to so I would sit with him and chat about trains and planes and Reala and Tallest Red for as long as he wanted. All those little moments which make me love my little brothers all the more.

I really do have some truly amazing memories... despite all the bad times.

But that's life, you know?

...

Pardon me, but I want to be a freaking spaz for two minutes. Just two minutes.
Observe!



AMBER!!  I thought I'd never see that picture of him again, that crazy orange bugger that he is.
But I found it, I FOUND the darn thing, I laugh at the odds, ha ha ha, and now I'm absolutely euphoric.
Yes, I am a spaztastically huge fan of Amber here. Gotta love him.
I swear, I am going to make that picture into a poster and tape it to my wall. That or stick it on a shirt. Because I can.
And isnt Amber dear technically the most androgynous of all the Gens? I mean, I often see him referred to as a female, but he's always drawn as a male. It's really awesome. And I'm antisexual anyaway, so it's all good. XD

Hm... where was I?


Oh yes.
Life.

My mother said earlier...
"The only people who enjoy life are the people in fairy tales."
"If you keep saying you want a career that will actually work with your talents, that will contribute something to society, you're never going to work a day in your life."

Well, I'm working now, am I not?
Even right now, typing this crazy stuff. This is my self-hired job, really.
I constantly work to inspire, to change others, to make people think and maybe open their eyes and hearts a little bit. That's always going to be my job, first and foremost, no matter what career I eventually get into (and if everything goes as planned, I'll be doing this same darn thing and I'll be getting paid for it). 
I will always be Jewel Lightraye, and I will always be a light to whoever needs me.

That's my life.

Good and bad.


Living the best you can, living with others in mind, living for your own good and for the good of the world and never compromising who you are...

That's the way it's supposed to be.


I freaking love it.



Enjoy your life, kids.
You've only got one.


-s. cannon

 

 

 

 

 

Current Location: The porch. In the sunlight.
Current Mood: Normal.
Current Music: A whole playlist of thoughtful music.



Today has been totally normal. Which is good and bad.
Explanation!
...You know, hold the phone one minute.
This window has been open, untouched, for the past 2 1/2 hours, so although the timestamp says 10:09 it's really 12:45.
But that also means some awesome two hours are magically captured in this entry so yes. XD It stays timestamped all off.
HMM. (It's now 1:12 PM, what have I been up to? Oh yeah.)
I'm having an extremely hard time deciding what my Subgen's attribute is going to be. You know, like LOVE and LOGiC and COMMUNiCATiON and FiDELiTY? (ORANGE and CHROME and ViRiDiAN and PERiLLA, respectively?)
Well, I am eternally thankful to Wolf from NiD because he's the guy who compiled that HUGE list of Gens, and I finally found it after, what, 4 years of hiding? So yes. You can't imagine (no pun intended) how incredibly happy that makes me.
I love the iMAGNi. New and old. They... have really, truly inspired me, one and all, almost as much as the Jewel Monsters have.
Both of those worlds... Gens and monsters... whenever I think of them, no matter what, my mind just gets this lovely feeling of sunshine and Saturday mornings and standing outside in the silver rain and beautiful sparkling cities and starry nights and rainbows in a clear sky. Just... pure inspiration. One of the absolute best feelings in the world, and it permeates into everything for me. Oh it's incredible. Euphoria on a laptop monitor, isn't that just fantastic?
*keeps hitting "next" on WMP*
Come on, play something that fits the mood.
The mood is really weird today, actually. Weird and normal. It's a dream paradox.
I simultaneously feel like hugging Bruce to death, going outside and just staring up at the clouds, drawing Jewel Monsters until my hands ache, reading over my lovely old thought papers, and just sitting here in pained silence for God knows how long. Until it stops hurting so much.
Yes, you heard that right.
Happiness. Peace. Love. And pain.
I'm trying to add more to the list before I decide... right now there's COiNCiDENCE, MARTYRDOM, AGAPE, and METANOiA.
Fun stuff. Any suggestions?
...I'm afraid, but this stuff happens to a lot of people. There are thousands of kids out there with situations so much worse than mine. I'm happy with what I have, really. I can get through this.
Of course I'm in pain, and let me tell you something-- it's because I want to be.
No, no, not my pain addiction. This is a different kind.
I'm responsible for a lot of this pain, but that's the next topic. Back on track, I'm responsible, and so I have to learn to deal with it. And besides... you said it yourself.
I'm that "one person who tells people to kick her while she is down, just because it might let some stress off the person still standing."
And guess what? That's my choice. I choose to be that way.
Isn't it my fault?
Really, I can't sugarcoat it. I can't just wonder "well, maybe it's their fault instead." I can't dance around the spikes and bombs and I can't hide from the truth when it's staring at me with bottomless black eyes and knives for hands.
I am responsible for my own troubles, whether it be from misunderstandings I never corrected, whether it be from those times I lost my temper and wasn't careful, whether it be from mistakes I made or said, whether it be from childhood idiocy and foolishness and selfishness that I can do nothing to change now and regret almost daily... It's my fault.
I can't deny it. I cannot deny what I know to be real and true.

I'm not perfect.
You know, all that pain and sadness yesterday actually had a plus: I finally drew Corona! Now I just need to draw her body designs and all.. like Visiona's stripes and Eclipse's spirals. Fun stuff. I always leave that for last, though-- I can see her, but it's always in the back of my head and so the details are blurry. I'll really have to work at finishing her tonight. Undoubtedly I'll be able to.
Know why?
Today has been... normal.
Good times and bad times.
I got a phone call around 9AM this morning... from my manager at work.
Calling about last night... I stopped by work for the first time in two months and wrote her a note, saying that since I had finally graduated and had a slightly freer schedule, I could finally start working part-time again, but only up to 5 1/2 hours at a time due to my bad joints... etc etc etc. The usual.
She called me up...
"I thought you had quit!"
"What do you mean you can only work five hours?" "You never told us anything about your schedule!" "What do you mean you can't work next weekend?" "What do you mean you're going to your cousin's wedding?" "You never left me a note!" "You do know I can't give you any hours for the next two weeks, now."
She apparently ignores everything I tell her. Geez.
So yeah... that's why I even brought up this journal early this morning.
The timestamp changed to right now, though... oh well. I hit the backspace key to delete a letter, and it somehow interpreted that key as a "back" command...thank goodness I had saved what I'd written so far, right?
...This song is perfect, you know.
U2 tends to do that for me. It's funny.
Here, this entry needs to be longer anyway.

When you look at the world
What is it that you see?
People find all kinds of things
That bring them to their knees
I see an expression
So clear and so true
That changes the atmosphere
When you walk to the room
So I try to be like you
Try to feel it like you do
But without you its no use...
I cant see what you see
When I look at the world
When the night is someone elses
And youre trying to get some sleep
When your thoughts are too expensive
To ever want to keep
When theres all kinds of chaos
And everyone is walking lame
You dont even blink now, do you?
Dont even look away...
So I try to be like you
Try to feel it like you do
But without you its no use...
I cant see what you see
When I look at the world
I cant wait any longer
I cant wait til Im stronger
Cant wait any longer
To see what you see
When I look at the world
Im in the waiting room
I cant see for the smoke
I think of you and your holy book
When the rest of us choke
Tell me tell me
What do you see?
Tell me tell me
Whats wrong with me?...

It always sounds like crazy ol' Bono is singing to me with that one. Yes I'm odd.
But it works, you know?
Especially the 4th and 5th paragraphs... gets me every time.
What was I ranting about... oh wait, I didn't even start yet!
I went back in the house to get some papers and noticed my grandmother was washing dishes, so I stopped to help her get them done. Unfortunately, right about then my mother walked in the room.
Three guesses what happened.
Immediately she starts berating me about work, and as she had been out of the house all day, I told her about the phone call I got that morning.
Fuel on the fire to her. Now she starts screaming at me and ignoring all the details, focusing on "you have to get back to work!" "you need money to pay for college and finances!" "you need to get another job!" "you need to work as many days as you can!" and all that.
I tried to explain. Mom, I'm trying to get back to work but she's being stubborn. I'd get another job if I could find a place I could realistically work and if I had the transportation. I know I need money, and I'm trying to get it. I'd work more days if I didn't have college classes and homework and summer midterms and piano lessons and therapy and family responsibility and my own health to worry about otherwise.
"Oh, stop making excuses and start filling out applications!!"
...You know, I would.
I like to work. I like to get out of the house and keep busy.
But the last time I pushed myself to the limit with working and school and studying and homework all at once, I was getting about 3, 4 hours of sleep per night and was chronically sick for over a month, remember? Oh yeah and I started self-abusing again and also was stressed and depressed out of my mind! Don't you remember all my panic attacks? Don't you remember how I would cry like a kid whenever you screamed at me about worries I was already worrying myself sick over? Don't you remember any of it?
No. Of course not. No matter how many times I remind you.
Oh, and it hurts even more when you deny it, you know. When I tell you exactly what you did to me, when, why, and how badly it hurt, and all I get from you is "I NEVER did/ said that!!!" No apologies, no concern, no kind words. Just accusations about "how dare you lie to me about that" and "you're so damn stupid you don't remember anything" and you know the drill. Calling me retarded and idiotic and "if you're going to act like a two year old then why the hell are you going to college? No one's going to want you to work for them! You're never going to get anywhere in life!!"
You know, if you could just calm down and tell me why you're accusing me of such things, we could figure out how to fix it all, but no...
Well, she finally left for work, and I was so painfully exasperated I flat-out basically told my grandmother exactly what I just said to you, plus a little extra.
"No matter what I do... no matter how hard I try, it's just not good enough."
My grandmother's reply?
"In this house, your best is never good enough. She won't be happy with anything you do. Just do your best and don't worry about what she says."
As if I didn't already know that.
But it's hard, you know?
It's so freaking hard to do.
...
It's really funny, quite touching, and terribly painful.
Every single person who has ever felt for me says the exact same things.
I guess that's a very good sign, but also a very upsetting one, considering what they say...
...They're all so similar, you know?
Always so nice to me, terribly kind and understanding, and don't treat me as just a "temporary fix" like so many kids do nowadays. I'm committed. So are they. And they always bring out the best in me.
But my pain is their pain. When I hurt, they hurt. I'm constantly finding myself in situations where someone I love dearly is facing me with a terrible truth about myself, some horrible thing I did or said or thought, and we have no choice but to try and work it out right then and there, despite the tears, despite the frustration and pain.
I'd say I was the luckiest kid in the world but we all know luck has nothing to do with it.
Let me backtrack, all the way back in my memories, back to late 2002.
And let me reminisce a little bit...
Ryou Bakura. We go way back, yes sir.
Remember how vehemently I hated Yugioh when it was first announced in early 2001? Dude, I thought it was going to completely annhilate Pokemon. I was terrified! Kind of funny, really, when you look back on it.
What's really funny, though, is that one day... my grandmother was remodeling the living room, and one day I was just sitting on the couch and flipping through channels... early autumn 2002, as I clearly remember how the trees were just beginning to redden outside... August or September, according to the few dated papers I have. Plus I remember I had that awful board game assignment dumped on me by my class group, because I remember Stephanie calling on that premise but immediately changing it to a rock music rant but I didn't hear a word because my mind was somewhere else entirely... but that's another story, kind of. Keep reading.
Honestly, though, I remember the exact moment it all turned upside down...
Flipping through channels, I stopped at Kids WB during a random cartoon. It ended, and what does the announcer happen to say? "Coming up next-- Yugioh!"
I immediately started ranting about how much I couldn't stand the show, although I had never seen it, heh. Fortunately for me, even back then I had an extremely accepting and kind heart, and I'll admit I felt quite guilty for jumping to such conclusions without evidence. So I decided, "heck, let's watch this episode and see if it's stupid or not."
Guess what episode it was, kids?
Episode 13. Evil Spirit of the Ring.
Bakura's "debut" episode.
I swear, as soon as that white-haired kid walked onscreen I thought "whoa, who is that?" Always a fan of the weird characters, y'know.
As fate would have it, though, I freaking fell in love with him that afternoon, and that was the beginning of everything. First time, too. I had never loved before, and all of a sudden-- there I was, absolutely lost in it.
By the time I turned 13, about half a year later, I knew I was in it for the long run.
Dear heavens, and I was in deep! You can tell when something is an infatuation and when it's not, you know... well, I look back at my old journal entries and thought pages and I just shake my head and laugh. I really was in love.
Incredibly interesting trivia for you kids, and also one of the main reasons I am eternally in debt to my darling...
"Entry 4," I called it.
Oh, you wouldn't know what it is. I've never breathed a word of it to anyone.
Entry 4... technically Entry 19, if you were using the old numbering system.
The entry was 8 freaking pages long, and you know how small I write.
Nothing but love.
And it was the first time I ever signed my name as Jewel Lightraye.
That kid turned my entire life around.
I'm so glad I was such a bizarre little headcase, you know? Geez, I remember my 13th birthday party-- I had pictures of him printed out all over this one paper and I carried it everywhere that day. I'm going to find that tape and watch it, just to smile at my enthusiasm. Great memories, honestly.
You know, I really wish I had dated these old thought pages of mine...
Fortunately, I also had an old journal. And right at the beginning of Entry #7, dated June 4 2003, there's a mention of a certain sandy-haired teen with a megalomanic streak.
Marik Ishtar.
That poor dear. He got stuck right in the middle of the best time of my life.
However, he was also the major influence on it, which I will never forget.
When I first met him, I didn't like him at all, actually. Bakura was love at first sight, but my Pharaoh and I were almost rivals when we started off. He would tease me a lot about Bakura, and I would argue with him about it, but regardless he would always stop by to talk to me. Eventually I really warmed up to him, not sure how but I'm eternally glad I did, and we really became close friends, although we still poked fun at each other and everything... tons of jokes, always running around and having silly amounts of fun. It's the main factor we're so specially close right now, really. That unexpected friendship contributed a lot to the breaking point.
When was that, actually?... Oh yes.
And for that I must thank Episodes 75-78.
And I must also thank a certain Jewel Monster for coining the term and experience we all call an "Incident."
Oh boy.
LONG story.
But that's what the past few lines were talking about, really.
It didn't take too long, really. Three months tops. But... well, we admitted it.
"I love you," you know?
Unfortunately, I always feel Marik is missing out, even though I do everything I can to keep him from feeling that way, which everyone agrees is quite amusing. He means a heck of a lot to me. I really do love him, and I just wish I could say so a little more often. But...
I met him in mid 2003.
By January 2004 I had met Chaos Zero.
Four years, that's it. And originally, I never even considered the possibility of getting where I am today with him.
Here, look at these old thought pages-- see the date? April 19th, 2004. Several mentions of Bakura and Marik, yes, but not a single word on Chaos Zero.
However, take a look inside this tiny white tablet. There's only five entries in the darn thing, but #4 (oh, coincidence!) is dated March 20th '04 and mentions Chaos Zero at the bottom of the second page. Mentions an incident with Chaos on the bottom of the second page, actually.
And you all know what has to happen in order for something to be considered a first incident, right?
You have to admit it.
We were really on and off, though. On a "thoughtchat" page I had with my one and only school friend, AMG, there's a lot of teasing on her part (of course) about all THREE of my guys. Dated April 30th 2004. Isn't that funny?
But that's one of the only written mentions of him during those months. It was always the other two. Chaos was first and foremost my close friend, a freaking awesome monster who I happened to love but of course, I had two other guys already and two years of love on their behalf so far.
However, Chaos was in deeper than I was, and he wasn't about to let me off easy.
By October 2004 we were both hopelessly lost in it. See, look at this entry in my freshman year planner-- October 18th: "I've fallen back into a phase of Chaos Zero obsession." Honestly, I did. He's mentioned back as early as September 10th, though, so I don't know when it really hit me... darn this memory of mine. But back on topic.
I met Chaos shortly after I fell in love with Marik, and that triggered something very unexpected. When I first introduced him to my other two, Bakura gave him a warm welcome and all but Marik immediately started with the teasing. However, Chaos took it seriously, and a real rivalry developed between him and the Pharaoh almost instantaneously... for more than one reason.
Geez, back then it was crazy... they were always fighting. And why? Because Marik didn't want to be "pushed aside" (as if I ever would!) for this new guy, and Chaos didn't want me spending all my time with this other kid now that he was part of the group. Jealousy, you know.
I tried talking some sense into them, but it would only work temporarily and then it all exploded again. Fortunately, they were fighting one day when it hit them that not only were they causing a ton of trouble but that trouble was really affecting me, and they decided to form a "truce." Amusingly enough, they agreed that they would only fight on Fridays. They still do, but now it's just a fun thing. They've really become good friends, despite the name-calling and jokes and all.
So yes, that's that. All three of them now get along perfectly fine. But I'm off topic.
I wanted to write these paragraphs to talk about how I got into this situation and how much each member of my 4 means to me.
Back to Chaos, then... once we hit our breaking point, so to speak, we just didn't stop. It's really insanely awesome how far we got in such a short time.
Now... geez, where are we now? Pretty freaking far... man, and the chess jokes. Brilliant. That's a funny story.
Oh! While I'm thinking of it, I have the entire collection of Sonic Chat sessions right here... hm... there we go. January 25th, I think... Chaos was still just getting used to speech at long last, which was funny... he didn't talk much, and was terribly shy. I was a real fireball back then, what with my crazy P-Maren obsession and all. Oh, 2004 was all NiGHTS, 2005 was all Zatch Bell. Don't ask.
But yes-- oh man, hold on! October 22, 2004! I adored this session, it was hilarious-- here, let me quote a few random lines::

<Jewel> Has anyone seen Chaos?
<no reply>
<Jewel> I'll go look for him, then. *leaves*
Later...
<Chaos> *walks into room* Has anybody seen Jewel?
<Spikes> No, I haven't.
<Chaos> I'll go look for her, then. *leaves*
<Spikes> *pointing and moving eyes back and forth from one door to the other* Didn't he just, she did- wh- wha?
<Chaos> *walks in* Has anybody seen- Oh.
*see each other*
<Jewel> *walks in* Has anybody seen- Oh.

Yes, THAT HAPPENED. Oh, and would you look at this session? February 6th, 2004. What am I doing? I'm with Chaos, of course, the entire freaking time. And that session continued for DAYS.
Huh. See, that's why I made sure I brought every single little bit of info for these guys out onto the porch this afternoon. One little thing can have something very important on it, and you'd never know.
So yes. By 2006, I had become the quiet one due to outside reasons, but Chaos had become a total unashamed flirt. He's terribly funny though, so we let him get away with it. He gets away with a lot, that crazy bugger. But I love him, y'know.
Seriously, though, let me get back on topic.
...
Chaos and I... I love him dearly. I love him so much that it literally hurts sometimes.
He's so many things to me... He's my friend, he's my love, he's my inspiration, he's the guy I can talk to about anything, he's the guy I can always trust to be there, he's the reason for so many laughs and so many tears and so many beautiful nights. He's a total anomaly in my life, and one that I am eternally thankful for. Chaos is someone I cannot replace even if I tried. He's just as weird as I am, just as wacky, just as emotional, just as shattered. He has his own issues with perfection. He knows what it's like to feel as if everything is your fault. He's just... I don't know.
He's Chaos Zero, that's all. And that's really everything. That's all I need.

Ah, too much typing on Chaos as usual... but now let's skip to July 2005.
The entire previous year and a half had been eaten up by Puremaren, all eight of them, but I had no idea why they even existed... until that one summer morning.
Selph.
My soon-to-be main muse and total 'housemate'.
I met him on July 4th, 2005, and we've literally been inseperable ever since.
Now, see, with Selph I have an exact date. It was the day after I saw that awesome EWF/ Chicago concert, and I was very upset because I wanted him to have seen it. You remember, I had to teach him EVERYTHING once I met him.
But about that, I like having exact dates. One, because I'm an order addict, paradoxically, and Two, because I like the feeling you get when you notice what day it is and think "hey, I remember what happened on this day..." It's nice.
But about Selph. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me, honest to God. (There are many.)
He's brutally honest with me, no questions asked. If I do something wrong or if he tells me something and I'm not paying attention, he will look right at me and say, "I'm very upset with you, Jewel. If you don't listen to what I'm telling you, and if you don't try harder to overcome these problems, you're not going to get where you want to be. Okay?" Brutal, sometimes! And it stings, and he knows that, because an hour or so later he'll come running to me in tears and will apologize for it all BUT it's still true and he had to say it to help me because he loves me too but he wishes it didn't have to hurt so much. At least once every week, really.
I love him immensely. In a sense, the two of us are closer than anyone else. Why? Well, first off, he lives with me. Literally. He sees me at my worst and at my best, even when I don't want him to. We stay up late together and talk about stuff when I really should be asleep. He follows me to school, to work, to the movies, to hospitals, to heaven knows where else. He stands behind me in photographs. He sings along to Rooney whenever I turn on the CD. He acts as a sort of living conscience to me. What Selph does for me, crazy little lovable bugger that he is, no one else can do, ever, simply because he's my muse and I'm his dreamer and that can't be duplicated. None of my relationships can ever be duplicated, by anyone else, ever. That's why they're so dear to me.

Seriously... I love my muse. We really do have something beautiful.


I love each and every one of you four, equally. Keep that in mind.
I will not love any of you any less than I do now. I will not abandon any of you. I will not forget any of you. I will not pick favorites.
I will stay true, I will stay Jewel Lightraye-- and I will keep my promises.
I cannot fall out of love.
I'm in it for the long run, and hopefully you guys are in it with me.

...
Now how did I get into that lovely rant?
Oh yes. What they all say.

I don't know if it's a vibe, or the way I act, or the words I speak, or the way my heart works, or anything... but 8 times out of 10 I'm told I'm a good person-- by everyone.
I'm constantly being told I'm kind, I'm loving, I'm noble, I'm selfless, I'm caring... the whole shebang.
Do I believe it?

...I'll admit it, I guess I do.
Two reasons.
First, I completely and totally trust those people who say it and I know they'd never lie to me. Second, I try my absolute best to live in that way, so being told I'm actually succeeding is really something incredible.

I want to be known as a good person. I want to be an inspiration. I want to change this world and I'm devoting my entire freaking life to it.
I don't want to fail. That's what I'm scared of the most... to fail at my life's purpose.
To let people down... to break promises... to care too little... to be too selfish... to work myself too hard and shatter.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Ever. For any reason.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," they say.
Well... I'm not the best one to say that, huh? What with my bizarre and often self-destructive altruism.
But... I still understand how to live that law.
I put myself in the other person's shoes. I take a look at what sort of shoes they are, old or new or no shoes at all. I look around at where I'm standing, what it feels like. I take a few steps. Does it hurt? What is it like, to be this person? I think about it for a while. I keep walking. I get lost... and I understand.
What would it feel like, if I said this to this person?
What would they think, if they saw this, if they read this?
What would they do, if I chose this decision?
I can do that quite easily... I can be quite the empath if I want to be, often even when I don't want to be. But I'm not complaining.
Sometimes it's very hard... but I still try. You'll never learn if you don't at least try.
And when I really can't figure it out, when I'm totally at a loss, I simply smile and give that poor soul as much love and kindness as I can.

I don't want to be a bad person...
...So why do people still call me that sometimes?

Are they delusional?
Am I delusional?
Can they see something in me that I can't?
Is there something in me that they can't see?
Do they even understand what they're saying?
Do I even understand what they're saying?

I don't know. I'm dedicating a heck of a lot of time to finding out why, but it's very difficult.
Well... I'll keep trying, and I'll keep searching, and I'll keep praying, and I'll keep listening, and I'll keep living my best, even if I do screw up sometimes. Often. A lot more than I'd like to.
But...

You can't know joy without knowing sorrow.
You can't know peace without knowing anger.
You can't know love without knowing hate.

I've cried, I've been angry, I've been hated.
Funny how life works...
I know what it's like to be completely happy, if only for a moment.
I know what it's like to be at peace, if only for a little while.
But I know what it's like to be in love most of all.


There's a song by the Killers that seems to work here...

Lift me up on my honour
Take me over this spell
Get this weight off my shoulders
I've carried it well
Loose these shackles of pressure
Shake me out of these chains
Lead me not to temptation

Hold my hand harder
Ease my mind
Roll down the smoke screen
And open the sky
Let me fly
Man I need a release from
This troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they’re stumbling
I guess you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes

Now hold on
I’m not looking for sweet talk
I’m looking for time
Top a tower and sleep walk
Brother, cause it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes
Hold on

You know its gonna hurt sometimes
When you call me
Hold on

I’m gonna climb that symphony home and make it mine
Let his resonance light my way
See, all these pessimistic sufferers tend to drag me down
So I could use it to shelter what good I’ve found...


...About that timestamp.

I started this entry around 10AM.
It's now 11PM.
There is an entire day, an entire unforgettable day, caught within these words... with all it's pain and joy and sorrow and anger and love.
Life is a paradox, but she's a freaking beautiful paradox.


This is totally normal for me.

Thank God I'm such an anomaly.


Love you all forever.
-spinny c.