Eating wires and lighting fires

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Darn it.

You know, what the heck am I supposed to do here? You tell me; I'm burnt out of my freaking mind and can't exactly think straight.

Oh wait; haven't I always been like that? Stop the presses, boys, this lunatic simply forgot again.

 
 

My memory is abysmal, haha. It's driving me... mad?

 

Gosh it's kind of frustrating when you can't use terms like that as they're already true.


Jim has been in three of my dreams this past week, KoH in another. I don't know why, but I'm not complaining!
I haven't gone lucid yet, though. I think it's because I'm going to bed too late courtesy of homework, and because I'm afraid to stay awake and think because when I do, Julie often jumps in and I don't like that at all.

Speaking of... what a time she picked. During church on Sunday, Laurie got so furious at Julie for trying to screw up with my thoughts that she nearly murdered the blond shadow... and I gave her permission.
Yes, you heard me. Ids can't die anyway (well, not that I know of), so I figured I'd better let my also-invincible superego take a whack at her for once, just to let the pain out.
Oh, I could tell. Laurie was actually crying... I don't think that has ever happened before.
Dear heavens but she was brutal... I won't go into detail or this journal's going to get an R rating tagged onto it, haha.

I love Laurie, though. Honest. She's almost like a big sister to me, but not that personal... almost like a best friend, but far too cruel to truly be one. She's 100% my psycho superego, however, and that works just fine. Even if she's swinging an axe at my head!


Back to the dreams...
...Chaos has been showing up a lot recently as well.
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to interact with him directly... although I have before. Oh, you remember the car scene, don't you? Freaking brilliant.
Neither of us were 'ourselves' last night... he was a starry black, smaller version of Perfect, and I was a shapeless white form of the same liquid-esque makeup. Apparently I represented "order," fittingly enough.
I don't remember much as it was vague originally and I woke up shortly afterward... but today, during our 10-minute break in Italian class, I started nodding off. Well... at one point, I hit semi-lucidity: where you feel aware and present in your mind enough to be lucid, but you don't recognize it as seperate from your current reality. Regardless, I only remember this one thing from the entire 10 minutes or so...
I was standing in a vast, empty black area as I sometimes do, when all of a sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder. Surprised, I turned around and noticed that Chaos was standing there, with one of the most desperately disconnected expressions I've seen on him in a while. And he said something to me then...
"Please, come back. We got so far last night..."
Right then realization hit me like a bomb and I snapped back into the Waking, understanding that he meant last night's dream but I don't know what about it... hm.
Those half-lucid mindscapes, though... double unhinging, oh my. Immensely enjoyable and terrifying at the same time, especially if Julie decides to hack my consciousness. She did that once when I was talking to Gamboge, but I forcibly got my mind out of there and didn't go back. That was about two weeks ago, I think...


What the heck did I even come on here to update for?

Oh yeah.


You know, what if I want to stay disconnected?
What if I like this feeling of distance... of silence, of seperation?
I don't know why, but I do.
My wires are good enough for me.
I don't need physical anything, really... too much of a bother; too much of a worry.

Besides, I have work to do...

Oh dear Lord, I'm broken upstairs. I can feel it.
That horrible sensation of being noticeably unhinged... that feeling of space behind your eyes, that cold chill down your spine, the sensation of floating somewhere out of your own head. Total disconnection... and it always brings with it a wave of anxious hysteria and paranoid isolation.
Thank God Jimmy said what he did... I don't bite myself anymore, but when I get that terrible need to do so, I pretty much lose it and try to release the panicked stress in some other way. I haven't found an outlet, and it's slowly eating me alive. Burning away in my head, hello there! I was wondering when Miss Stress would show up again. You're late for tea with Mr Inverted and I.


Hmmm~~~ I finally found the tilde key, wahoo! It was hiding on me this whole time, frenetic little bugger. Go and stand behind my exclamation points~~!!!


I'm an effing shark.


I've been thinking about Hosea all day.
He's such a sweetheart, but I worry about him. We don't know if he has any special abilities yet, and that's odd. Most Soldier units at least have artillery, but being the solo unit that he is, I don't know what Hosea has built into his half-biological systems, if anything.
I'm also wondering how he heals, exactly. Hosea does bleed some bizarre sort of blood/ machine fluid hybrid, and he can feel pain just as well as you and I can. I need to draw him more... and I'd love to dream about him.

Let's see... I met Preludove, Exile, Anice, that android woman, and countless Jewel Monsters in dreams... and I've spoken to a few Jewel Monsters in dreams since that initial meeting, but that's it. No Hosea, no Halcyon, no Heartlight, no Volt, darn it! I want to plug my laptop into his chest outlet and see what happens. Funky stuff, that's for sure.
Oh, funny factoid. I was watching him fight a faux OC battle (yes, they've all been practicing-- Hosea was duking it out with a Spoiler clone all day to this very song!) in a colosseum earlier, and for his opening move he simply whipped out a microphone, activated a plug & wire on the end of it, stuck the end of that into his chest, and aimed the microphone at his opponent. You would not believe how loud the feedback was from that thing! It was hilarious, honest-- but what was even better was the fact that Volt reached behind his ear and apparently twisted some knob to crank up the volume even more, all the while wearing the most amusingly deadpan expression you can imagine. Sheer brilliance from the apocalypse-man, let me tell you. I can't wait to start Linking to his reality-- it looks pretty freaking sweet so far!

But yeah, that's it for tonight... or this morning, as it's already e mezzanotte e cinquantasei. Oh boy. I should be asleep.

Speaking of...




-spinny c.