rainbows

[prismaticbleed]

I can't get over how much I love this song... Racing Green, y'know? Love it.

But yes. Rainbows.
http://ice-bear.deviantart.com/art/Rainbow-67101740
Kind of like that one.


I meant to mention this the other day, but... I want to talk about it a little bit tonight, before I call it quits and get my college sleep.
Remember that tattoo plan?
I'm really getting it. Honest I am. Gotta save up for a mastectomy first, but that's second... or third, if I can find someone somewhere that can give me a legal nullification... but I digress.
"Chaos is power, enriched by the heart."
I'm getting that written dead center on my chest, right above my own heart. It's the least I can do.
I mean, seriously. I've been looking at my life lately, and something struck me, with my whole relationship thing.
Sure, I'm polyamorous and aromantic and all, but Chaos Zero? I don't know. He throws me for a loop.
I do things with him that I'd never dare do with anyone else. I can talk to him about almost anything and he'll listen without any prejudice, without any put-downs or shut-ups.
I make insane exceptions for him.
I just... I love him. I love him so freaking much and half the time I'm not even sure why that is... why we're so incredibly close, you know? Why I call him my 'soulmate' regardless of circumstance.
I've been asking that question to anyone who will listen since 2003... since I met him.
I still can't solve it.
And you know what? I don't mind.
All I know is what I feel, and that's answer enough for me.


We broke the rules again on Saturday night, actually.
Remember those two Xangas? One spoke of the madness of 2005, the other said we had given that up for good.
Well, we hit an unexpected twist two nights ago.
We were out in the moonlight and the rain, remember? Like I said in my last entry here. It was some strange but beautiful sort of dreamscape... something that appeared out of nowhere, that I'd never seen before.
It was all trees, really. Trees lit by blue moonlight, all in a circle around a single towering willow with a white stone bench under it. Very Victorian, I guess, but it was truly lovely. Anyway, that's where Chaos Zero and I were, sitting there together and just talking about life as usual as my mind drifted off.
At one point, I kissed him, sure. (Heck, I haven't done that in ages, don't yell at me.)
But then I realized something.
When we used to do that... we used to warp. We used to get out angel wings because of the emotional effects it had on his gem and mine. But that hasn't happened in a long time.
I let him know about that.
He thought about that for a second, then asked me why we didn't try again.
So we did.
And it just went on from there, let me tell you. We spent about an hour just forgetting the world and going back to the good old days when we had just met and had just realized our situation and nothing was going to stop us, nothing was going to change that.

There was a part of the conversation that really verified something for me.
Chaos said that he really wished we could be closer, somehow, some way, but we were already as close as we could possibly get.
I said that was true, but I told him that what we had was really perfect already, or at least I thought so.
His response?
"Yeah... you're right. It really is."
I think I was perfectly happy for that moment. I honestly was.
One night, I'm going to ask him if we could just get together and do that again. Maybe in a few days, maybe over the long weekend. Maybe in a lucid dream if I'm lucky enough to have one with him (God, that would be fantastic!) sometime soon.

I was thinking about it, and I realized that one of the single little things that I want to do in my life is simply to find Chaos Zero, whether in a dream or otherwise, and just tell him flat-out that I love him.
I hope his reaction will be the same, but only time can tell. I'll pray that it is. In my heart I truly hope it is, and I think that it might be after all.


Man.
Is there something wrong with me, loving him as much as I do?
I hope not.
Because I have to admit... even if there was, I don't think I would ever be able to stop.
You know how I work.
Once I love someone...


Anyway, yes. Rainbows.
And hey, would you believe?
I wrote this entry at 10PM last night, and was about to post it when Firefox froze solid.
I left Abbey on for five hours but t never unfroze.
It's now 6:48 AM, I just restored my session twice, and all my words are still here.
Talk about divine providence, huh? Looks like today is going to be awesome.



There's always something beautiful on the horizon.
Sometimes you just have to look through the rain to find it.




But no one ever cares about a monster
And no one ever looks inside
No one ever falls in love with darkness
And turns them towards the light
But I didn’t know you then.

All this chaos and destruction
I know it was all caused by me
You still looked in my eyes
And you said I was beautiful

How could that be
The only thing you could see?
Maybe I’ll understand someday