pay attention

[prismaticbleed]

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (SPINNY)

 
...
What's the matter?
...Bad afternoon.
Really?
Really. Mom yelling and all that... and inevitable guilt trips.
Guilt trips? What caused them this time?
Oh, you know... mom making me feel inadequate, making me feel as if I'll never be good enough for her because I'm always so freaking selfish and ignorant and distracted... telling me how much she hates her freaking life and a good deal of that blame goes to me. And then there's Jacob. I always get so horribly distracted, no matter what I'm doing... drawing, writing, attending class, talking on Skype. And then he'll ask me a question and my mind will just blank out. Completely blank out. I feel so disgustingly guilty for not paying more attention, even though I try.
Your mind's just a frazzled mess.
Yes it is.
Well, I don't know what to tell ya. You've been like this since you were a kid, and no one has any clue what the hell is wrong with you. At all.
I know... I just wish I could be a better person at home.
Hmm. Well, you're trying. That's got to count for something.
I'm not trying nearly as hard as I should.
It's still something.
Yeah, but... Selph keeps reminding me, if I don't try as hard as I can, no matter how difficult it is, then I'm not going to get anywhere. I know how true that is just from my own freaking experience, and I'm sick of it.
Your guys say you're perfect.
Yeah, well I don't. That's their viewpoint, not mine. Of course they're going to say that the person they love is perfect. They don't see how deeply flawed I am.
Well, you say they're all perfect too, so what the hell is that?
I say they're perfect because they're perfect to me. I know they have flaws. They have some pretty darn big ones. But they try too, and that is indeed what counts.
Stop being such a bloody hypocrite, Jewel. If they have flaws but try to be better, that makes them perfect in your eyes, but if you do the exact same freaking thing, it makes no difference. What the heck?
I was wondering when you were going to start swearing.
Yes, well, I mellowed out since Thursday. I was mad at you earlier, but I calmed down for a while until now. Now I'm pretty pissed off again. Why do the rules always break when applied to you, huh?
They don't. Not the bad ones. The good ones do. That's because I am me, and I am not satisfied with where I am in life. If my friends want to view me as perfect, if I truly am perfect in their eyes, fine. But when I look in the mirror I'm not happy. That's what counts the most to me in this situation-- my own opinion of my state in life. I am the ONLY one controlling what I do, id in the back of my head or not. I am the ONLY person responsible for my actions, no matter how much blame I take from others on altruistic principles. I am the ONLY person living this life, and if I'm not living it well, then I'm not going to be happy, darn it all.
I have no problem with that, but you have got to stop setting such unrealistically high standards for yourself.
Unrealistically high? What's so unrealistically high about my standards?
You expect yourself to be perfect in the unattainable sense of the word. Flawless. You can't do that, Jewel. You're mortal. You're just a human.
I know that, for heaven's sakes, and please, don't rub it in! I don't expect to be flawless for that very reason. I just... want to be close to it. I want my flaws to be small... good flaws. Little flaws, that do no harm to anyone else but me. These flaws I have are freaking huge; giant gashes in my persona with sharp edges that tear apart anyone I dare to get close to, even a little. I hate it. I literally hate it, and I'm sick of it.
Oh, come on. Your flaws aren't that big. There are people out there who have made far greater mistakes than you have.
I know that, but I already told you that doesn't matter to me! I'm a self-sacrificial altruist, darn it! If they make mistakes, that's okay. I know they're trying, and they're probably doing their best. They have different morals or lifestyles or problems than I do. But I am not responsible for their actions. I can try to change them, sure, I can try to help them, the best I can, but in the end the only actions I can truly and completely change are my own, and if I can't change those than my flaws are freaking big enough.
Geez, stop being so bloody hard on yourself, all right? Just keep trying to change yourself and you'll get there eventually.
I am trying. I'm not good enough.
You will be in time. Keep trying.
I thought I was the optimist, Laurie?
Only when applied to others, it seems. Your altruism is beginning to implode.
Ah, yes, that is true. My old attribute of Sacrifice, right?
Right. Stop killing yourself. Remember what you said in your Scribbld way back when.
I do, Laurie. Believe me, I do. But if I don't improve, then I'll be killing myself. I'm doing okay right now.
You sure?
Yes I'm sure. The only things depressing me and making me feel and act awful are my faults. Selfishness, stupidity, ignorance, folly, distraction, gluttony, self-hatred, worthlessness, inadequacy. All that and more. You know that.
Yeah, but you always put so much emphasis on the bad. You have good qualities, too.
Geez, why are you being so nice to me tonight?
I can be nice when I want to. Plus I already said I was mean enough to you the other night.
Swear at me.
I'll swear at you when I damn well want to.
All right, it is you.
What, you doubting me?
No, I was just afraid you had absorbed a bit of Lynne or something.
Oh, heck no! I'm too much of a bully to be Lynne or anything close to her.
Not even a little bit?
Not even a little bit. Hey, I've always been nice. I just show it the wrong way.
Through screaming and swearing, you mean.
Damn straight. That's me to a T.
That it is. I'm just... not used to you actually pointing out my good side and all that when I'm putting myself down. Usually you scream at me and get me to change my mind myself. Why the sudden switch?
I thought you deserved  a break. Plus you're tired and need sleep. If I started swearing I'd keep you up all night. That and it's easier to just tell you the truth myself.
Ah. You really believe that's the truth, then?
I know it's the truth, yeah. Just like Selph. Hey, speaking of, where is he?
Sitting right here next to me, as usual.
Why doesn't he join in?
It's too late. He doesn't want to jump in and start a whole new train of thought at this hour.
Same with Chaos, huh?
Yeah. He's off talking to his J-Monster buds, but he says that "no way is he going to keep me up until 3AM."
Aha, that's Chaos for you. He's a great guy.
Yeah, he is. Hey, I thought you were the one insulting him before?
In that positive way of mine. You know me.
Yeah, I do. ...I say "yeah" too much.
You do. Don't worry about it, though. Go to bed. It's late. I'll scream at you tomorrow if you want.
Do you want to?
Hell yes. I'm not used to being this nice for so long, and you do need a good screaming session every once in a while. Plus it'll be fun to do that with two of your guys in the same room.
That's true... just... don't upset them too much. Selph is very fragile, and Chaos is dangerous when he's angry.
I know that, and I don't care. I'll do whatever it takes to knock some sense into you.
...About what?
About whatever tomorrow's issue is.
It should be the same as today's. Perfection. I'm very upset about that subject, and we really need to talk about it some more. Especially with two other viewpoints adding their opinions.
Does Selph view you as perfect, too?
In the 'romantic sense.' He shares my views of my responsibility, though. That's why I'm so freaking grateful to have him around. He's almost like a living conscience... very harsh, and he doesn't sugarcoat the truth, but he loves me just as much as I love him so it's never negative or malicious. It stings, but he only says it to help.
Aww.
I know. He's a sweet guy. I just need to be careful not to hurt him with what I do because then he tends to get really upset. We've had some fights over that before, and if there's one thing I hate it's finding myself in an argument with someone I love dearly.
Meaning everyone in the whole freakin' world.
Yeah, that is true. But you know what I mean.
Uh-huh. Now sleep. It's 12:24. You have to drive your brothers to church tomorrow.
Ooh, that I do. I'm off, then. Besides, I don't want my mother insulting and belittling me again. It hurts.
Aha, there's another subject we need to cover!
Tomorrow.
Yes, tomorrow. Now go to sleep before I can you.
All right, all right. Good night, Laurie.
Good night. Tell Wizeman I said hello.
If I see him I will. Talk to you tomorrow.
I'll be waiting.
Oh, I'm sure you will be.
Inevitably.