red clocks

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Please.
Don't kill Rorschach. Don't kill Rorschach. Don't kill Rorschach.

Dear God, it just seems that everyone I've ever loved in some way always dies in some way.

...He's probably going to die, but I feel he deserves this simple prayer of sorts regardless.


Heavens above, I am such a headcase...


Even so.
Life.


It's tough. It's always tough... always has been, always will be.
But... I just achieved adulthood two months ago. That's all. I'm new at this.
I'm new at this, and I don't understand it yet. I don't know how to handle it yet. I don't know... what to do.

I keep making mistakes.

Huge, horrifying mistakes. Mistakes that make me seriously wonder if I even know what I'm doing with my life. Mistakes that make me wonder whether or not I have a grip on this situation at all. Mistakes that make me question who the hell I am.

Jewel Lightraye... she's alive. She's me. I am her. I am Jewel Lightraye.

But... right now, she only lives in my mind, as my soul, as my true self... an existence virtually impossible to achieve in this sorry reality.

As for this wretched physical form and face... it has no name.
I have no name right now. A masked vigilante with no hidden identity because there is no identity to hide.
It scares the life out of me.

I need help... I need salvation.
I want some of my sanity back.
I need the strength to control my own choices.
I need to stop compromising who I am.
If I don't stop compromising who I am for the whims and fancies of those around me... I won't just be nameless, I'll be soulless. There will be nothing left of me save an empty shell with an unreadable face and a life that does not belong to me.

I need to stay true to who I am.


I cannot die with no regrets. I have enough regrets at this age to last me the rest of my life, although God knows that I'm bound to commit many more before it's my time to step into the shadows.
God also knows that I'd give almost anything to change that cruel fate. To erase my past failures. To save my soul.
To save my soul I'd give anything.


I need to get out of this. I need an escape from this hellhole that I've somehow damned myself into.
I need to try harder. I need the strength to even attempt to do that. I need the willpower to attain that strength.
There is so much I need. I hate being greedy, but how can I refuse water when I've been in this desert for almost two decades?

Even so... there is one thing I will always have, no matter how hard this life gets.
There is one thing I will always have, no matter what demons and hellfire I must face.
There is one thing I will always have, no matter how dark and black the night becomes.

I will always have a reason to live.



So many questions...

Never mind. Answers soon.

Nothing is insoluble.


Nothing is hopeless.

Not while there's life.





...If he dies, I'm going to be sobbing for days.