Mental analysis

[prismaticbleed]

I decided to have some fun and show you exactly what that freakish poem-thing in last night's entry is all about.

Here we go, line by line! Fun times.
(And by the way... the poem lacks punctuation because I did not want it, haha. It flows in a more anxious fashion and more accurately reflects the incessantly frantic state of my mind.)



"Unhinge, take this lock and break it, let our reality burst at the seams and show us the world of tomorrow."

Simple enough. The poem was written in a completely unhinged state, as indicated by the lock statement. Usually our daily lives put a sort of 'lock' on the frighteningly unlimited potential of our minds, simply because of how incredibly strange or frightening such potential would seem at first glance.
As for the world of tomorrow, I strongly believe that, in the future, we will finally accept all the differences in this world and in our souls, with all of us using our imaginations and dreaming dreams we would never have dared to pursue before. That's at the very heart of this poem.

"This crystal-painted heart burns with a horrible self-anger and a desperate need to lash out at the invisible chains around my soul."

Well, I started writing this poem as a spontaneous release of stress and pain and anger with myself brought on by quite a burnt-out day and my mother's usual nightly rage.
I frequently call my heart a 'heart of glass,' as I'm more fragile than I look, but here I used the words 'crystal-painted' for both dramatic effect and for the fact that most of the beauty in my heart has been 'painted on'... rather, this beauty comes from outside influences: the souls that have inspired me so much.
Invisible chains... well, I literally felt them as I wrote that. Just a very tight, suffocating, painful feeling of being bound in an unexplainable fashion. My very soul felt tied.

"Brilliant red fire surges behind my eyelids and I lie awake in a world of invisible stars as monstrous angels kiss my tear stained face until the dawn pours her wishes over the mountains like a waterfall of orange mist and pink sequins."

Nowhere to lie, I do see red lights when I close my eyes. I can will a red glow to form all around my field of vision that lingers for many minutes. Red has always been my personal color, so I find that fact quite fascinating.
Anyway, 'invisible stars' is a random sentimental reference to the glow-in-the-dark stars I used to have over my bedroom ceiling when I was a kid. They were beautiful. I loved to lay there at night and stare up at them... it's a big room, as four people use it, and the ceiling was covered. I considered it my own personal universe, and always dreamed that one night I would fly up into that sky and find something amazing. So that line is a tribute to those dreams and that sense of pure hope and beauty.
Monstrous angels? Two people: my guardian angel and Chaos Zero. I've always imagined my guardian angel to be this very unique thing... somewhat masculine in appearance, but very inhuman at the same time. Recently I've been picturing him with an intricate old-gold helmet and these glowing aqua-green soul wings. Yes, I see him differently all the time, and that's how he looks to me now. I know he protects me and watches over me, and I'm glad God put him in my life as my constant silent guardian. As for Chaos Zero, he's also a guardian angel to me, but of a different sort. He doesn't follow me around all day like my official guardian, but he protects me and helps me constantly nevertheless. He's also the sort of guy that would kiss my tears away if I'd let him, aha.
But yes. I often feel desperately sad at night, and most times when that happens, I run off to find Chaos and we just spend so much time together under the stars, lying awake until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. I do cry a lot when I'm with him and feeling like that... I know he'll let me. He won't tell me to shut up or to grow up or anything; he knows it hurts, and it hurts him too. As a result that part of the poem really resonates of those nights with him.
I usually see sunrises in pinks and oranges. As I was typing this, I got a vivid image of the sky being a sort of misty waterfall, not just clouds cascading down from the heavens. I liked that and put it down. The sequins are also random imagery-- it's just so beautifully pink and optimistic, I couldn't describe it as anything else but brilliant little sequins in the sky. It's nice to see in the morning, especially after a long night of tear stained thoughts.

"Failure bares her sawblade-purple teeth and I watch the pendulum swing over and over and over again until my body crashes into the bloodstained floor at the bottom of this sickeningly dark chasm with a knife buried between the stitches on my chest and suddenly my broken mind shatters into a million separate galaxies, tiny fragments of cathedral glass glowing with the light of my disconnected smile as everything I've ever known surrounds my fractured head like a bouquet of liquid roses."

Long sentence! Well, 'failure' as a personification is a shout-out to Laurie. 'Sawblade-purple' is some unknown color that I created, really. I always associate Laurie with the color purple, and 'sawblade' comes from the fact that she always attacks me with these garish weapons (usually an axe, but a saw would surely do as well).
The pendulum came in as I thought of the chasm. I just had this vivid image of me falling down into this insanely deep, dark chasm, lit with a sick, dim green light. That in turn gave me a flashback to the story "The Pit and the Pendulum," so I added that in there as the feeling really struck me.
And of course, falling like that, I was bound to hit the floor at some point. It's bloodstained because I and many others have collided with it before, whatever that pit is. Self-loathing? Desperation? Confusion and loneliness and misunderstandings? Possibly. I can't say.
One day I'm really going to have stitches on my chest: mastectomy, y'know. (Oh dear heavens, I'm going to have to lie and say I'm FTM to get all this stuff...) But yes, that's how I mentally see myself. The knife in my chest is a symbolic representation of the pain I feel and the prejudices towards who and what I am... especially towards the reality of the stitches and what the future tattoo above my heart is going to symbolize.
My mind is indeed broken, and has been physically broken before (head injuries are not fun)... but the 'shattering into galaxies' is a weird image I always get when I think of my eventual death. There are so many worlds in my mind... what will happen to them when I am gone? I would like to think that they will continue to live on, which is what that shattering represents.
'Cathedral glass' is a shout-out to Selph's cathedral (my beloved muse), and the fact that I consider cathedrals to be some of the most beautiful things out there, like those aforementioned worlds.
When I'm unhinged or broken, my smiles are totally disconnected and lost. They're the only source of 'light' in such dark situations, though, so there you go.
'Liquid roses' is a rather poetic reference to the immense amount of blood loss I'd get from such a head injury, you know. And of course, everything I've ever known would leave with my life.

"Aquamarine, the color of the ocean's sky, moonlight dancing on a raindrop for a single moment before it bursts into a rainbow ringing with the hopes of yesterday. Billions and billions of minuscule stars shine suspended in the voiceless air and time holds her breath for just one moment as the clocks stop and your heart stops and the world blinks a tear out of his eyes with a whisper that all he ever wanted was a second chance."

Aquamarine is a reference to Chaos Zero and I. I call him 'Aqua' as a secret reference, and aquamarine is an aura color that I very closely relate to.
Have you ever looked up when you're underwater? See what color the surface shines? There's the next part. Plus, I really like the paradoxical idea of the ocean having it's own sky.
The raindrops are a reference to a very emotional conversation Chaos and I had the other night, actually. It was at night, when I was trying to sleep, and it started to rain. The delicately gorgeous idea of the moonlight reflecting on the rain struck me and so I put it here.
Bursting into rainbows... remember Noah's ark, and what the rainbow stands for? God said, "When I bring clouds over the earth, and the bow appears in the clouds, I will recall the covenant I have made between me and you and all living beings, so that the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all mortal beings." With that in mind, do you remember Perfect Chaos, and what he did? Exactly. Rainbows are a sign of immense hope for Chaos, and so I referenced them as being part of those beautiful raindrops that night. The 'hopes of yesterday' refer to our regrets and what we wish we could have done back then to prevent all that, but back then we had no way of knowing and, through that fact, no way of changing anything.
The billions of minuscule stars are supposed to be the fragments of the raindrop... beautiful little things that no one notices.
The entire next part, with time holding her breath and everything stopping, really had no provocation. It was simply a very vivid and moving image I got as I typed, so I wrote it down. Plus, it can also be interpreted as a reference to those certain moments that just seem to ignore the restraints of reality and time and exist in a world all their own.
The world asking for a second chance... I thought of the world today, and I thought of the sadness in all our hearts, and I just felt that was true. I know far too many people that want nothing more than a second chance, but they can't find one... and that breaks my heart. That line goes out to all of them.

"Can you see me smiling in the compassionate arms of midnight?"
Well, at the moment it was midnight, and I was feeling absolutely fantastic. Simple as that.



There you are. Analysis can be fun!

Oh yes, and I finally fixed FL Studio! Wahoo! Now to go write music like crazy!


And while you're here, LISTEN TO THIS. ON LOOP. FOR HOURS.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=m6wuKrqPgmQ
IT IS HAPPINESS TO THE NINTH DEGREE.


Man, I am in SUCH a good mood! This is fantastic.


Oh yeah-- and college was awesome. I can't wait for tomorrow.
Either way, have a good night!





Girl I'll stay through the bad times
Even if I have to fetch you everyday
I'll get by if you smile
You can never be too happy in this life.

In a world where everybody
Hates a happy ending story
It's a wonder love can make the world go round
And don't let it bring you down
And turn your face into a frown
You'll get along with a little prayer and a song.

Let me hear you sing it

Lift your head, baby, don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You'll get by with a smile
Now it's time to kiss away those tears goodbye

Let me hear you sing it!