prismaticbleed | you wanna know how i got these scars? (Reply)

Simple, really. I can be careless.
I can be quite stupid, quite blind. I frequently walk into death and danger and only realize it when the flames start clawing at my throat.

I am so tired...
I cried quite a bit today. Anger, stress, anguish, empathy, emptiness, surrender. Oftentimes I cry because there's nothing else I can do.

I simply go on with life, with the pain and the stress and the fatigue and everything else and desperately look for a reprieve somewhere. A tiny little reprieve.

I got close today. Went to see "Batman" in theaters.
Unfortunately, the Joker is a brilliant madman and I spent most of the movie and my entire afternoon thinking about his words and talking about my own to my muse. Worry and deperation and panic and fear. That's how I got these scars.

Or is it?

Spend about 3, maybe 4 hours reading "Watchmen" to clear my head. Kind of worked.
Rorschach scares the fish out of me but I freaking love the guy. He's too much of a screwball not to like, haha.
Believe it or not, actually, I knew about him long before I got into Watchmen. One of my random research binges, y'know. I'm like an addict with those things.

Geez I have so much homework to do... but I didn't get home until 4:30 PM and then mum was home so a fight erupted and I didn't sit down until 10:30 PM, nowhere to lie... it's now midnight and I still have work to finish as a result. I might have to pull an all-nighter...
Dear God, help me get through this...

I really want to see Hellboy after class tomorrow, regardless. Honestly. I love that guy, he's a huge inspiration to me, but I guess it all depends on the day... whether or not I see him in theaters, y'know. I have to drive down and back on my own and if I'm all paranoid and panicky that won't be smart. I don't trust myself by myself.

You know what else I'm paranoid and panicky about?
August. August 9 to August 12th, if I'm correct.
Q's coming to visit, and every time my mum brings it up I can't help but sigh and shake my head. I never wanted this.
What the heck did I get myself into this time?

I hate to say it, but I'm rather antisocial. I like computer screens and pencils and thought pages because then the real me shows up; then I can say and show what I really need to. In person... not a chance. This reluctant facade gets in the way.
I don't want this trip to happen, now or ever, and frankly I'm sick of this whole relationship thing.
I'm a freaking asexual neutrois, for heaven's sake. I don't like physical contact, I don't like physical situations, I don't like one-on-one conversations and I don't like romantics. That's what this kid wants, and I want NOTHING to do with it.

Oh yeah, about that. Sat down with my guys a few weeks ago and gave them the news on that... how, in truth, I don't like romantics or physical contact or sappy junk or anything that works with traditional relationships, really... apologized for everything, and gave them all full permission to leave for someone else if they want. Honest to heaven, I won't mind. I just want them to be happy.
Selph's staying, of course... we're together through something more powerful and permanent than a romantic fling, haha. Dreamer and Nightmaren, you know. We're tight.
Ditto that situation with Chaos, of course. The two of us have been through hell together and aren't going to call it quits anytime in this lifetime, that's a promise. I was laughing today... how I've always loved order and schedule but I'm hopelessly addicted to chaos. I swear, I was in it for life before I even met the guy!

But yeah. I don't like this whole situation I'm stuck with in the 'waking world,' as I so affectionately call it sometimes. I'm terribly uncomfortable with it, I always have been, and I don't like it one bit.
Geez.... but I don't know what to say about it without sounding like a total jerk/ manipulative b*tch/ cold-hearted b*stard. I don't want to break this kid's heart, but I'm afraid that if I don't say anything or do anything, and instead just let my personality get compromised a little more (no matter how much that's killing me on the inside lately), I think that's going to break it even more.

He says he fell in love with Jewel Lightraye.
That's impossible.
He'd have to know who I was first... right?
Heck, I don't know who I am yet and I've been at this job for 18 years. All I know is that I'm pretty much out of my mind by now. It's quite obvious.

Why do I like solitude?
Why do I like disconnection?
Why do I only like relationships when they are
1) One-sided (i.e., if I love someone but I say nothing and don't act on it)
2) With biological asexuals (which is also solid proof of my mental state)
and/or 3) Non-romantic and non-physical?

Why do I like staying up until 2AM doing Italian homework only to fall asleep during class and end up too panicky to visit Hellboy later on?
Good heavens.

Thank God I have morals and a crippling self-fear.
Otherwise I think I'd be in some pretty serious trouble by now...

Darn all this stress.