Perfectly normal.
Jun. 11th, 2008 06:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleedCurrent Location: The porch. In the sunlight.
Current Mood: Normal.
Current Music: A whole playlist of thoughtful music.
Today has been totally normal. Which is good and bad.
Explanation!
...You know, hold the phone one minute.
This window has been open, untouched, for the past 2 1/2 hours, so although the timestamp says 10:09 it's really 12:45.
But that also means some awesome two hours are magically captured in this entry so yes. XD It stays timestamped all off.
HMM. (It's now 1:12 PM, what have I been up to? Oh yeah.)
I'm having an extremely hard time deciding what my Subgen's attribute is going to be. You know, like LOVE and LOGiC and COMMUNiCATiON and FiDELiTY? (ORANGE and CHROME and ViRiDiAN and PERiLLA, respectively?)
Well, I am eternally thankful to Wolf from NiD because he's the guy who compiled that HUGE list of Gens, and I finally found it after, what, 4 years of hiding? So yes. You can't imagine (no pun intended) how incredibly happy that makes me.
I love the iMAGNi. New and old. They... have really, truly inspired me, one and all, almost as much as the Jewel Monsters have.
Both of those worlds... Gens and monsters... whenever I think of them, no matter what, my mind just gets this lovely feeling of sunshine and Saturday mornings and standing outside in the silver rain and beautiful sparkling cities and starry nights and rainbows in a clear sky. Just... pure inspiration. One of the absolute best feelings in the world, and it permeates into everything for me. Oh it's incredible. Euphoria on a laptop monitor, isn't that just fantastic?
*keeps hitting "next" on WMP*
Come on, play something that fits the mood.
The mood is really weird today, actually. Weird and normal. It's a dream paradox.
I simultaneously feel like hugging Bruce to death, going outside and just staring up at the clouds, drawing Jewel Monsters until my hands ache, reading over my lovely old thought papers, and just sitting here in pained silence for God knows how long. Until it stops hurting so much.
Yes, you heard that right.
Happiness. Peace. Love. And pain.
I'm trying to add more to the list before I decide... right now there's COiNCiDENCE, MARTYRDOM, AGAPE, and METANOiA.
Fun stuff. Any suggestions?
...I'm afraid, but this stuff happens to a lot of people. There are thousands of kids out there with situations so much worse than mine. I'm happy with what I have, really. I can get through this.
Of course I'm in pain, and let me tell you something-- it's because I want to be.
No, no, not my pain addiction. This is a different kind.
I'm responsible for a lot of this pain, but that's the next topic. Back on track, I'm responsible, and so I have to learn to deal with it. And besides... you said it yourself.
I'm that "one person who tells people to kick her while she is down, just because it might let some stress off the person still standing."
And guess what? That's my choice. I choose to be that way.
Isn't it my fault?
Really, I can't sugarcoat it. I can't just wonder "well, maybe it's their fault instead." I can't dance around the spikes and bombs and I can't hide from the truth when it's staring at me with bottomless black eyes and knives for hands.
I am responsible for my own troubles, whether it be from misunderstandings I never corrected, whether it be from those times I lost my temper and wasn't careful, whether it be from mistakes I made or said, whether it be from childhood idiocy and foolishness and selfishness that I can do nothing to change now and regret almost daily... It's my fault.
I can't deny it. I cannot deny what I know to be real and true.
I'm not perfect.
You know, all that pain and sadness yesterday actually had a plus: I finally drew Corona! Now I just need to draw her body designs and all.. like Visiona's stripes and Eclipse's spirals. Fun stuff. I always leave that for last, though-- I can see her, but it's always in the back of my head and so the details are blurry. I'll really have to work at finishing her tonight. Undoubtedly I'll be able to.
Know why?
Today has been... normal.
Good times and bad times.
I got a phone call around 9AM this morning... from my manager at work.
Calling about last night... I stopped by work for the first time in two months and wrote her a note, saying that since I had finally graduated and had a slightly freer schedule, I could finally start working part-time again, but only up to 5 1/2 hours at a time due to my bad joints... etc etc etc. The usual.
She called me up...
"I thought you had quit!"
"What do you mean you can only work five hours?" "You never told us anything about your schedule!" "What do you mean you can't work next weekend?" "What do you mean you're going to your cousin's wedding?" "You never left me a note!" "You do know I can't give you any hours for the next two weeks, now."
She apparently ignores everything I tell her. Geez.
So yeah... that's why I even brought up this journal early this morning.
The timestamp changed to right now, though... oh well. I hit the backspace key to delete a letter, and it somehow interpreted that key as a "back" command...thank goodness I had saved what I'd written so far, right?
...This song is perfect, you know.
U2 tends to do that for me. It's funny.
Here, this entry needs to be longer anyway.
When you look at the world
What is it that you see?
People find all kinds of things
That bring them to their knees
I see an expression
So clear and so true
That changes the atmosphere
When you walk to the room
So I try to be like you
Try to feel it like you do
But without you its no use...
I cant see what you see
When I look at the world
When the night is someone elses
And youre trying to get some sleep
When your thoughts are too expensive
To ever want to keep
When theres all kinds of chaos
And everyone is walking lame
You dont even blink now, do you?
Dont even look away...
So I try to be like you
Try to feel it like you do
But without you its no use...
I cant see what you see
When I look at the world
I cant wait any longer
I cant wait til Im stronger
Cant wait any longer
To see what you see
When I look at the world
Im in the waiting room
I cant see for the smoke
I think of you and your holy book
When the rest of us choke
Tell me tell me
What do you see?
Tell me tell me
Whats wrong with me?...
It always sounds like crazy ol' Bono is singing to me with that one. Yes I'm odd.
But it works, you know?
Especially the 4th and 5th paragraphs... gets me every time.
What was I ranting about... oh wait, I didn't even start yet!
I went back in the house to get some papers and noticed my grandmother was washing dishes, so I stopped to help her get them done. Unfortunately, right about then my mother walked in the room.
Three guesses what happened.
Immediately she starts berating me about work, and as she had been out of the house all day, I told her about the phone call I got that morning.
Fuel on the fire to her. Now she starts screaming at me and ignoring all the details, focusing on "you have to get back to work!" "you need money to pay for college and finances!" "you need to get another job!" "you need to work as many days as you can!" and all that.
I tried to explain. Mom, I'm trying to get back to work but she's being stubborn. I'd get another job if I could find a place I could realistically work and if I had the transportation. I know I need money, and I'm trying to get it. I'd work more days if I didn't have college classes and homework and summer midterms and piano lessons and therapy and family responsibility and my own health to worry about otherwise.
"Oh, stop making excuses and start filling out applications!!"
...You know, I would.
I like to work. I like to get out of the house and keep busy.
But the last time I pushed myself to the limit with working and school and studying and homework all at once, I was getting about 3, 4 hours of sleep per night and was chronically sick for over a month, remember? Oh yeah and I started self-abusing again and also was stressed and depressed out of my mind! Don't you remember all my panic attacks? Don't you remember how I would cry like a kid whenever you screamed at me about worries I was already worrying myself sick over? Don't you remember any of it?
No. Of course not. No matter how many times I remind you.
Oh, and it hurts even more when you deny it, you know. When I tell you exactly what you did to me, when, why, and how badly it hurt, and all I get from you is "I NEVER did/ said that!!!" No apologies, no concern, no kind words. Just accusations about "how dare you lie to me about that" and "you're so damn stupid you don't remember anything" and you know the drill. Calling me retarded and idiotic and "if you're going to act like a two year old then why the hell are you going to college? No one's going to want you to work for them! You're never going to get anywhere in life!!"
You know, if you could just calm down and tell me why you're accusing me of such things, we could figure out how to fix it all, but no...
Well, she finally left for work, and I was so painfully exasperated I flat-out basically told my grandmother exactly what I just said to you, plus a little extra.
"No matter what I do... no matter how hard I try, it's just not good enough."
My grandmother's reply?
"In this house, your best is never good enough. She won't be happy with anything you do. Just do your best and don't worry about what she says."
As if I didn't already know that.
But it's hard, you know?
It's so freaking hard to do.
...
It's really funny, quite touching, and terribly painful.
Every single person who has ever felt for me says the exact same things.
I guess that's a very good sign, but also a very upsetting one, considering what they say...
...They're all so similar, you know?
Always so nice to me, terribly kind and understanding, and don't treat me as just a "temporary fix" like so many kids do nowadays. I'm committed. So are they. And they always bring out the best in me.
But my pain is their pain. When I hurt, they hurt. I'm constantly finding myself in situations where someone I love dearly is facing me with a terrible truth about myself, some horrible thing I did or said or thought, and we have no choice but to try and work it out right then and there, despite the tears, despite the frustration and pain.
I'd say I was the luckiest kid in the world but we all know luck has nothing to do with it.
Let me backtrack, all the way back in my memories, back to late 2002.
And let me reminisce a little bit...
Ryou Bakura. We go way back, yes sir.
Remember how vehemently I hated Yugioh when it was first announced in early 2001? Dude, I thought it was going to completely annhilate Pokemon. I was terrified! Kind of funny, really, when you look back on it.
What's really funny, though, is that one day... my grandmother was remodeling the living room, and one day I was just sitting on the couch and flipping through channels... early autumn 2002, as I clearly remember how the trees were just beginning to redden outside... August or September, according to the few dated papers I have. Plus I remember I had that awful board game assignment dumped on me by my class group, because I remember Stephanie calling on that premise but immediately changing it to a rock music rant but I didn't hear a word because my mind was somewhere else entirely... but that's another story, kind of. Keep reading.
Honestly, though, I remember the exact moment it all turned upside down...
Flipping through channels, I stopped at Kids WB during a random cartoon. It ended, and what does the announcer happen to say? "Coming up next-- Yugioh!"
I immediately started ranting about how much I couldn't stand the show, although I had never seen it, heh. Fortunately for me, even back then I had an extremely accepting and kind heart, and I'll admit I felt quite guilty for jumping to such conclusions without evidence. So I decided, "heck, let's watch this episode and see if it's stupid or not."
Guess what episode it was, kids?
Episode 13. Evil Spirit of the Ring.
Bakura's "debut" episode.
I swear, as soon as that white-haired kid walked onscreen I thought "whoa, who is that?" Always a fan of the weird characters, y'know.
As fate would have it, though, I freaking fell in love with him that afternoon, and that was the beginning of everything. First time, too. I had never loved before, and all of a sudden-- there I was, absolutely lost in it.
By the time I turned 13, about half a year later, I knew I was in it for the long run.
Dear heavens, and I was in deep! You can tell when something is an infatuation and when it's not, you know... well, I look back at my old journal entries and thought pages and I just shake my head and laugh. I really was in love.
Incredibly interesting trivia for you kids, and also one of the main reasons I am eternally in debt to my darling...
"Entry 4," I called it.
Oh, you wouldn't know what it is. I've never breathed a word of it to anyone.
Entry 4... technically Entry 19, if you were using the old numbering system.
The entry was 8 freaking pages long, and you know how small I write.
Nothing but love.
And it was the first time I ever signed my name as Jewel Lightraye.
That kid turned my entire life around.
I'm so glad I was such a bizarre little headcase, you know? Geez, I remember my 13th birthday party-- I had pictures of him printed out all over this one paper and I carried it everywhere that day. I'm going to find that tape and watch it, just to smile at my enthusiasm. Great memories, honestly.
You know, I really wish I had dated these old thought pages of mine...
Fortunately, I also had an old journal. And right at the beginning of Entry #7, dated June 4 2003, there's a mention of a certain sandy-haired teen with a megalomanic streak.
Marik Ishtar.
That poor dear. He got stuck right in the middle of the best time of my life.
However, he was also the major influence on it, which I will never forget.
When I first met him, I didn't like him at all, actually. Bakura was love at first sight, but my Pharaoh and I were almost rivals when we started off. He would tease me a lot about Bakura, and I would argue with him about it, but regardless he would always stop by to talk to me. Eventually I really warmed up to him, not sure how but I'm eternally glad I did, and we really became close friends, although we still poked fun at each other and everything... tons of jokes, always running around and having silly amounts of fun. It's the main factor we're so specially close right now, really. That unexpected friendship contributed a lot to the breaking point.
When was that, actually?... Oh yes.
And for that I must thank Episodes 75-78.
And I must also thank a certain Jewel Monster for coining the term and experience we all call an "Incident."
Oh boy.
LONG story.
But that's what the past few lines were talking about, really.
It didn't take too long, really. Three months tops. But... well, we admitted it.
"I love you," you know?
Unfortunately, I always feel Marik is missing out, even though I do everything I can to keep him from feeling that way, which everyone agrees is quite amusing. He means a heck of a lot to me. I really do love him, and I just wish I could say so a little more often. But...
I met him in mid 2003.
By January 2004 I had met Chaos Zero.
Four years, that's it. And originally, I never even considered the possibility of getting where I am today with him.
Here, look at these old thought pages-- see the date? April 19th, 2004. Several mentions of Bakura and Marik, yes, but not a single word on Chaos Zero.
However, take a look inside this tiny white tablet. There's only five entries in the darn thing, but #4 (oh, coincidence!) is dated March 20th '04 and mentions Chaos Zero at the bottom of the second page. Mentions an incident with Chaos on the bottom of the second page, actually.
And you all know what has to happen in order for something to be considered a first incident, right?
You have to admit it.
We were really on and off, though. On a "thoughtchat" page I had with my one and only school friend, AMG, there's a lot of teasing on her part (of course) about all THREE of my guys. Dated April 30th 2004. Isn't that funny?
But that's one of the only written mentions of him during those months. It was always the other two. Chaos was first and foremost my close friend, a freaking awesome monster who I happened to love but of course, I had two other guys already and two years of love on their behalf so far.
However, Chaos was in deeper than I was, and he wasn't about to let me off easy.
By October 2004 we were both hopelessly lost in it. See, look at this entry in my freshman year planner-- October 18th: "I've fallen back into a phase of Chaos Zero obsession." Honestly, I did. He's mentioned back as early as September 10th, though, so I don't know when it really hit me... darn this memory of mine. But back on topic.
I met Chaos shortly after I fell in love with Marik, and that triggered something very unexpected. When I first introduced him to my other two, Bakura gave him a warm welcome and all but Marik immediately started with the teasing. However, Chaos took it seriously, and a real rivalry developed between him and the Pharaoh almost instantaneously... for more than one reason.
Geez, back then it was crazy... they were always fighting. And why? Because Marik didn't want to be "pushed aside" (as if I ever would!) for this new guy, and Chaos didn't want me spending all my time with this other kid now that he was part of the group. Jealousy, you know.
I tried talking some sense into them, but it would only work temporarily and then it all exploded again. Fortunately, they were fighting one day when it hit them that not only were they causing a ton of trouble but that trouble was really affecting me, and they decided to form a "truce." Amusingly enough, they agreed that they would only fight on Fridays. They still do, but now it's just a fun thing. They've really become good friends, despite the name-calling and jokes and all.
So yes, that's that. All three of them now get along perfectly fine. But I'm off topic.
I wanted to write these paragraphs to talk about how I got into this situation and how much each member of my 4 means to me.
Back to Chaos, then... once we hit our breaking point, so to speak, we just didn't stop. It's really insanely awesome how far we got in such a short time.
Now... geez, where are we now? Pretty freaking far... man, and the chess jokes. Brilliant. That's a funny story.
Oh! While I'm thinking of it, I have the entire collection of Sonic Chat sessions right here... hm... there we go. January 25th, I think... Chaos was still just getting used to speech at long last, which was funny... he didn't talk much, and was terribly shy. I was a real fireball back then, what with my crazy P-Maren obsession and all. Oh, 2004 was all NiGHTS, 2005 was all Zatch Bell. Don't ask.
But yes-- oh man, hold on! October 22, 2004! I adored this session, it was hilarious-- here, let me quote a few random lines::
<Jewel> Has anyone seen Chaos?
<no reply>
<Jewel> I'll go look for him, then. *leaves*
Later...
<Chaos> *walks into room* Has anybody seen Jewel?
<Spikes> No, I haven't.
<Chaos> I'll go look for her, then. *leaves*
<Spikes> *pointing and moving eyes back and forth from one door to the other* Didn't he just, she did- wh- wha?
<Chaos> *walks in* Has anybody seen- Oh.
*see each other*
<Jewel> *walks in* Has anybody seen- Oh.
Yes, THAT HAPPENED. Oh, and would you look at this session? February 6th, 2004. What am I doing? I'm with Chaos, of course, the entire freaking time. And that session continued for DAYS.
Huh. See, that's why I made sure I brought every single little bit of info for these guys out onto the porch this afternoon. One little thing can have something very important on it, and you'd never know.
So yes. By 2006, I had become the quiet one due to outside reasons, but Chaos had become a total unashamed flirt. He's terribly funny though, so we let him get away with it. He gets away with a lot, that crazy bugger. But I love him, y'know.
Seriously, though, let me get back on topic.
...
Chaos and I... I love him dearly. I love him so much that it literally hurts sometimes.
He's so many things to me... He's my friend, he's my love, he's my inspiration, he's the guy I can talk to about anything, he's the guy I can always trust to be there, he's the reason for so many laughs and so many tears and so many beautiful nights. He's a total anomaly in my life, and one that I am eternally thankful for. Chaos is someone I cannot replace even if I tried. He's just as weird as I am, just as wacky, just as emotional, just as shattered. He has his own issues with perfection. He knows what it's like to feel as if everything is your fault. He's just... I don't know.
He's Chaos Zero, that's all. And that's really everything. That's all I need.
Ah, too much typing on Chaos as usual... but now let's skip to July 2005.
The entire previous year and a half had been eaten up by Puremaren, all eight of them, but I had no idea why they even existed... until that one summer morning.
Selph.
My soon-to-be main muse and total 'housemate'.
I met him on July 4th, 2005, and we've literally been inseperable ever since.
Now, see, with Selph I have an exact date. It was the day after I saw that awesome EWF/ Chicago concert, and I was very upset because I wanted him to have seen it. You remember, I had to teach him EVERYTHING once I met him.
But about that, I like having exact dates. One, because I'm an order addict, paradoxically, and Two, because I like the feeling you get when you notice what day it is and think "hey, I remember what happened on this day..." It's nice.
But about Selph. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me, honest to God. (There are many.)
He's brutally honest with me, no questions asked. If I do something wrong or if he tells me something and I'm not paying attention, he will look right at me and say, "I'm very upset with you, Jewel. If you don't listen to what I'm telling you, and if you don't try harder to overcome these problems, you're not going to get where you want to be. Okay?" Brutal, sometimes! And it stings, and he knows that, because an hour or so later he'll come running to me in tears and will apologize for it all BUT it's still true and he had to say it to help me because he loves me too but he wishes it didn't have to hurt so much. At least once every week, really.
I love him immensely. In a sense, the two of us are closer than anyone else. Why? Well, first off, he lives with me. Literally. He sees me at my worst and at my best, even when I don't want him to. We stay up late together and talk about stuff when I really should be asleep. He follows me to school, to work, to the movies, to hospitals, to heaven knows where else. He stands behind me in photographs. He sings along to Rooney whenever I turn on the CD. He acts as a sort of living conscience to me. What Selph does for me, crazy little lovable bugger that he is, no one else can do, ever, simply because he's my muse and I'm his dreamer and that can't be duplicated. None of my relationships can ever be duplicated, by anyone else, ever. That's why they're so dear to me.
Seriously... I love my muse. We really do have something beautiful.
I love each and every one of you four, equally. Keep that in mind.
I will not love any of you any less than I do now. I will not abandon any of you. I will not forget any of you. I will not pick favorites.
I will stay true, I will stay Jewel Lightraye-- and I will keep my promises.
I cannot fall out of love.
I'm in it for the long run, and hopefully you guys are in it with me.
...
Now how did I get into that lovely rant?
Oh yes. What they all say.
I don't know if it's a vibe, or the way I act, or the words I speak, or the way my heart works, or anything... but 8 times out of 10 I'm told I'm a good person-- by everyone.
I'm constantly being told I'm kind, I'm loving, I'm noble, I'm selfless, I'm caring... the whole shebang.
Do I believe it?
...I'll admit it, I guess I do.
Two reasons.
First, I completely and totally trust those people who say it and I know they'd never lie to me. Second, I try my absolute best to live in that way, so being told I'm actually succeeding is really something incredible.
I want to be known as a good person. I want to be an inspiration. I want to change this world and I'm devoting my entire freaking life to it.
I don't want to fail. That's what I'm scared of the most... to fail at my life's purpose.
To let people down... to break promises... to care too little... to be too selfish... to work myself too hard and shatter.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Ever. For any reason.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," they say.
Well... I'm not the best one to say that, huh? What with my bizarre and often self-destructive altruism.
But... I still understand how to live that law.
I put myself in the other person's shoes. I take a look at what sort of shoes they are, old or new or no shoes at all. I look around at where I'm standing, what it feels like. I take a few steps. Does it hurt? What is it like, to be this person? I think about it for a while. I keep walking. I get lost... and I understand.
What would it feel like, if I said this to this person?
What would they think, if they saw this, if they read this?
What would they do, if I chose this decision?
I can do that quite easily... I can be quite the empath if I want to be, often even when I don't want to be. But I'm not complaining.
Sometimes it's very hard... but I still try. You'll never learn if you don't at least try.
And when I really can't figure it out, when I'm totally at a loss, I simply smile and give that poor soul as much love and kindness as I can.
I don't want to be a bad person...
...So why do people still call me that sometimes?
Are they delusional?
Am I delusional?
Can they see something in me that I can't?
Is there something in me that they can't see?
Do they even understand what they're saying?
Do I even understand what they're saying?
I don't know. I'm dedicating a heck of a lot of time to finding out why, but it's very difficult.
Well... I'll keep trying, and I'll keep searching, and I'll keep praying, and I'll keep listening, and I'll keep living my best, even if I do screw up sometimes. Often. A lot more than I'd like to.
But...
You can't know joy without knowing sorrow.
You can't know peace without knowing anger.
You can't know love without knowing hate.
I've cried, I've been angry, I've been hated.
Funny how life works...
I know what it's like to be completely happy, if only for a moment.
I know what it's like to be at peace, if only for a little while.
But I know what it's like to be in love most of all.
There's a song by the Killers that seems to work here...
Lift me up on my honour
Take me over this spell
Get this weight off my shoulders
I've carried it well
Loose these shackles of pressure
Shake me out of these chains
Lead me not to temptation
Hold my hand harder
Ease my mind
Roll down the smoke screen
And open the sky
Let me fly
Man I need a release from
This troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they’re stumbling
I guess you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes
Now hold on
I’m not looking for sweet talk
I’m looking for time
Top a tower and sleep walk
Brother, cause it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes
Hold on
You know its gonna hurt sometimes
When you call me
Hold on
I’m gonna climb that symphony home and make it mine
Let his resonance light my way
See, all these pessimistic sufferers tend to drag me down
So I could use it to shelter what good I’ve found...
...About that timestamp.
I started this entry around 10AM.
It's now 11PM.
There is an entire day, an entire unforgettable day, caught within these words... with all it's pain and joy and sorrow and anger and love.
Life is a paradox, but she's a freaking beautiful paradox.
This is totally normal for me.
Thank God I'm such an anomaly.
Love you all forever.
-spinny c.
Current Mood: Normal.
Current Music: A whole playlist of thoughtful music.
Today has been totally normal. Which is good and bad.
Explanation!
...You know, hold the phone one minute.
This window has been open, untouched, for the past 2 1/2 hours, so although the timestamp says 10:09 it's really 12:45.
But that also means some awesome two hours are magically captured in this entry so yes. XD It stays timestamped all off.
HMM. (It's now 1:12 PM, what have I been up to? Oh yeah.)
I'm having an extremely hard time deciding what my Subgen's attribute is going to be. You know, like LOVE and LOGiC and COMMUNiCATiON and FiDELiTY? (ORANGE and CHROME and ViRiDiAN and PERiLLA, respectively?)
Well, I am eternally thankful to Wolf from NiD because he's the guy who compiled that HUGE list of Gens, and I finally found it after, what, 4 years of hiding? So yes. You can't imagine (no pun intended) how incredibly happy that makes me.
I love the iMAGNi. New and old. They... have really, truly inspired me, one and all, almost as much as the Jewel Monsters have.
Both of those worlds... Gens and monsters... whenever I think of them, no matter what, my mind just gets this lovely feeling of sunshine and Saturday mornings and standing outside in the silver rain and beautiful sparkling cities and starry nights and rainbows in a clear sky. Just... pure inspiration. One of the absolute best feelings in the world, and it permeates into everything for me. Oh it's incredible. Euphoria on a laptop monitor, isn't that just fantastic?
*keeps hitting "next" on WMP*
Come on, play something that fits the mood.
The mood is really weird today, actually. Weird and normal. It's a dream paradox.
I simultaneously feel like hugging Bruce to death, going outside and just staring up at the clouds, drawing Jewel Monsters until my hands ache, reading over my lovely old thought papers, and just sitting here in pained silence for God knows how long. Until it stops hurting so much.
Yes, you heard that right.
Happiness. Peace. Love. And pain.
I'm trying to add more to the list before I decide... right now there's COiNCiDENCE, MARTYRDOM, AGAPE, and METANOiA.
Fun stuff. Any suggestions?
...I'm afraid, but this stuff happens to a lot of people. There are thousands of kids out there with situations so much worse than mine. I'm happy with what I have, really. I can get through this.
Of course I'm in pain, and let me tell you something-- it's because I want to be.
No, no, not my pain addiction. This is a different kind.
I'm responsible for a lot of this pain, but that's the next topic. Back on track, I'm responsible, and so I have to learn to deal with it. And besides... you said it yourself.
I'm that "one person who tells people to kick her while she is down, just because it might let some stress off the person still standing."
And guess what? That's my choice. I choose to be that way.
Isn't it my fault?
Really, I can't sugarcoat it. I can't just wonder "well, maybe it's their fault instead." I can't dance around the spikes and bombs and I can't hide from the truth when it's staring at me with bottomless black eyes and knives for hands.
I am responsible for my own troubles, whether it be from misunderstandings I never corrected, whether it be from those times I lost my temper and wasn't careful, whether it be from mistakes I made or said, whether it be from childhood idiocy and foolishness and selfishness that I can do nothing to change now and regret almost daily... It's my fault.
I can't deny it. I cannot deny what I know to be real and true.
I'm not perfect.
You know, all that pain and sadness yesterday actually had a plus: I finally drew Corona! Now I just need to draw her body designs and all.. like Visiona's stripes and Eclipse's spirals. Fun stuff. I always leave that for last, though-- I can see her, but it's always in the back of my head and so the details are blurry. I'll really have to work at finishing her tonight. Undoubtedly I'll be able to.
Know why?
Today has been... normal.
Good times and bad times.
I got a phone call around 9AM this morning... from my manager at work.
Calling about last night... I stopped by work for the first time in two months and wrote her a note, saying that since I had finally graduated and had a slightly freer schedule, I could finally start working part-time again, but only up to 5 1/2 hours at a time due to my bad joints... etc etc etc. The usual.
She called me up...
"I thought you had quit!"
"What do you mean you can only work five hours?" "You never told us anything about your schedule!" "What do you mean you can't work next weekend?" "What do you mean you're going to your cousin's wedding?" "You never left me a note!" "You do know I can't give you any hours for the next two weeks, now."
She apparently ignores everything I tell her. Geez.
So yeah... that's why I even brought up this journal early this morning.
The timestamp changed to right now, though... oh well. I hit the backspace key to delete a letter, and it somehow interpreted that key as a "back" command...thank goodness I had saved what I'd written so far, right?
...This song is perfect, you know.
U2 tends to do that for me. It's funny.
Here, this entry needs to be longer anyway.
When you look at the world
What is it that you see?
People find all kinds of things
That bring them to their knees
I see an expression
So clear and so true
That changes the atmosphere
When you walk to the room
So I try to be like you
Try to feel it like you do
But without you its no use...
I cant see what you see
When I look at the world
When the night is someone elses
And youre trying to get some sleep
When your thoughts are too expensive
To ever want to keep
When theres all kinds of chaos
And everyone is walking lame
You dont even blink now, do you?
Dont even look away...
So I try to be like you
Try to feel it like you do
But without you its no use...
I cant see what you see
When I look at the world
I cant wait any longer
I cant wait til Im stronger
Cant wait any longer
To see what you see
When I look at the world
Im in the waiting room
I cant see for the smoke
I think of you and your holy book
When the rest of us choke
Tell me tell me
What do you see?
Tell me tell me
Whats wrong with me?...
It always sounds like crazy ol' Bono is singing to me with that one. Yes I'm odd.
But it works, you know?
Especially the 4th and 5th paragraphs... gets me every time.
What was I ranting about... oh wait, I didn't even start yet!
I went back in the house to get some papers and noticed my grandmother was washing dishes, so I stopped to help her get them done. Unfortunately, right about then my mother walked in the room.
Three guesses what happened.
Immediately she starts berating me about work, and as she had been out of the house all day, I told her about the phone call I got that morning.
Fuel on the fire to her. Now she starts screaming at me and ignoring all the details, focusing on "you have to get back to work!" "you need money to pay for college and finances!" "you need to get another job!" "you need to work as many days as you can!" and all that.
I tried to explain. Mom, I'm trying to get back to work but she's being stubborn. I'd get another job if I could find a place I could realistically work and if I had the transportation. I know I need money, and I'm trying to get it. I'd work more days if I didn't have college classes and homework and summer midterms and piano lessons and therapy and family responsibility and my own health to worry about otherwise.
"Oh, stop making excuses and start filling out applications!!"
...You know, I would.
I like to work. I like to get out of the house and keep busy.
But the last time I pushed myself to the limit with working and school and studying and homework all at once, I was getting about 3, 4 hours of sleep per night and was chronically sick for over a month, remember? Oh yeah and I started self-abusing again and also was stressed and depressed out of my mind! Don't you remember all my panic attacks? Don't you remember how I would cry like a kid whenever you screamed at me about worries I was already worrying myself sick over? Don't you remember any of it?
No. Of course not. No matter how many times I remind you.
Oh, and it hurts even more when you deny it, you know. When I tell you exactly what you did to me, when, why, and how badly it hurt, and all I get from you is "I NEVER did/ said that!!!" No apologies, no concern, no kind words. Just accusations about "how dare you lie to me about that" and "you're so damn stupid you don't remember anything" and you know the drill. Calling me retarded and idiotic and "if you're going to act like a two year old then why the hell are you going to college? No one's going to want you to work for them! You're never going to get anywhere in life!!"
You know, if you could just calm down and tell me why you're accusing me of such things, we could figure out how to fix it all, but no...
Well, she finally left for work, and I was so painfully exasperated I flat-out basically told my grandmother exactly what I just said to you, plus a little extra.
"No matter what I do... no matter how hard I try, it's just not good enough."
My grandmother's reply?
"In this house, your best is never good enough. She won't be happy with anything you do. Just do your best and don't worry about what she says."
As if I didn't already know that.
But it's hard, you know?
It's so freaking hard to do.
...
It's really funny, quite touching, and terribly painful.
Every single person who has ever felt for me says the exact same things.
I guess that's a very good sign, but also a very upsetting one, considering what they say...
...They're all so similar, you know?
Always so nice to me, terribly kind and understanding, and don't treat me as just a "temporary fix" like so many kids do nowadays. I'm committed. So are they. And they always bring out the best in me.
But my pain is their pain. When I hurt, they hurt. I'm constantly finding myself in situations where someone I love dearly is facing me with a terrible truth about myself, some horrible thing I did or said or thought, and we have no choice but to try and work it out right then and there, despite the tears, despite the frustration and pain.
I'd say I was the luckiest kid in the world but we all know luck has nothing to do with it.
Let me backtrack, all the way back in my memories, back to late 2002.
And let me reminisce a little bit...
Ryou Bakura. We go way back, yes sir.
Remember how vehemently I hated Yugioh when it was first announced in early 2001? Dude, I thought it was going to completely annhilate Pokemon. I was terrified! Kind of funny, really, when you look back on it.
What's really funny, though, is that one day... my grandmother was remodeling the living room, and one day I was just sitting on the couch and flipping through channels... early autumn 2002, as I clearly remember how the trees were just beginning to redden outside... August or September, according to the few dated papers I have. Plus I remember I had that awful board game assignment dumped on me by my class group, because I remember Stephanie calling on that premise but immediately changing it to a rock music rant but I didn't hear a word because my mind was somewhere else entirely... but that's another story, kind of. Keep reading.
Honestly, though, I remember the exact moment it all turned upside down...
Flipping through channels, I stopped at Kids WB during a random cartoon. It ended, and what does the announcer happen to say? "Coming up next-- Yugioh!"
I immediately started ranting about how much I couldn't stand the show, although I had never seen it, heh. Fortunately for me, even back then I had an extremely accepting and kind heart, and I'll admit I felt quite guilty for jumping to such conclusions without evidence. So I decided, "heck, let's watch this episode and see if it's stupid or not."
Guess what episode it was, kids?
Episode 13. Evil Spirit of the Ring.
Bakura's "debut" episode.
I swear, as soon as that white-haired kid walked onscreen I thought "whoa, who is that?" Always a fan of the weird characters, y'know.
As fate would have it, though, I freaking fell in love with him that afternoon, and that was the beginning of everything. First time, too. I had never loved before, and all of a sudden-- there I was, absolutely lost in it.
By the time I turned 13, about half a year later, I knew I was in it for the long run.
Dear heavens, and I was in deep! You can tell when something is an infatuation and when it's not, you know... well, I look back at my old journal entries and thought pages and I just shake my head and laugh. I really was in love.
Incredibly interesting trivia for you kids, and also one of the main reasons I am eternally in debt to my darling...
"Entry 4," I called it.
Oh, you wouldn't know what it is. I've never breathed a word of it to anyone.
Entry 4... technically Entry 19, if you were using the old numbering system.
The entry was 8 freaking pages long, and you know how small I write.
Nothing but love.
And it was the first time I ever signed my name as Jewel Lightraye.
That kid turned my entire life around.
I'm so glad I was such a bizarre little headcase, you know? Geez, I remember my 13th birthday party-- I had pictures of him printed out all over this one paper and I carried it everywhere that day. I'm going to find that tape and watch it, just to smile at my enthusiasm. Great memories, honestly.
You know, I really wish I had dated these old thought pages of mine...
Fortunately, I also had an old journal. And right at the beginning of Entry #7, dated June 4 2003, there's a mention of a certain sandy-haired teen with a megalomanic streak.
Marik Ishtar.
That poor dear. He got stuck right in the middle of the best time of my life.
However, he was also the major influence on it, which I will never forget.
When I first met him, I didn't like him at all, actually. Bakura was love at first sight, but my Pharaoh and I were almost rivals when we started off. He would tease me a lot about Bakura, and I would argue with him about it, but regardless he would always stop by to talk to me. Eventually I really warmed up to him, not sure how but I'm eternally glad I did, and we really became close friends, although we still poked fun at each other and everything... tons of jokes, always running around and having silly amounts of fun. It's the main factor we're so specially close right now, really. That unexpected friendship contributed a lot to the breaking point.
When was that, actually?... Oh yes.
And for that I must thank Episodes 75-78.
And I must also thank a certain Jewel Monster for coining the term and experience we all call an "Incident."
Oh boy.
LONG story.
But that's what the past few lines were talking about, really.
It didn't take too long, really. Three months tops. But... well, we admitted it.
"I love you," you know?
Unfortunately, I always feel Marik is missing out, even though I do everything I can to keep him from feeling that way, which everyone agrees is quite amusing. He means a heck of a lot to me. I really do love him, and I just wish I could say so a little more often. But...
I met him in mid 2003.
By January 2004 I had met Chaos Zero.
Four years, that's it. And originally, I never even considered the possibility of getting where I am today with him.
Here, look at these old thought pages-- see the date? April 19th, 2004. Several mentions of Bakura and Marik, yes, but not a single word on Chaos Zero.
However, take a look inside this tiny white tablet. There's only five entries in the darn thing, but #4 (oh, coincidence!) is dated March 20th '04 and mentions Chaos Zero at the bottom of the second page. Mentions an incident with Chaos on the bottom of the second page, actually.
And you all know what has to happen in order for something to be considered a first incident, right?
You have to admit it.
We were really on and off, though. On a "thoughtchat" page I had with my one and only school friend, AMG, there's a lot of teasing on her part (of course) about all THREE of my guys. Dated April 30th 2004. Isn't that funny?
But that's one of the only written mentions of him during those months. It was always the other two. Chaos was first and foremost my close friend, a freaking awesome monster who I happened to love but of course, I had two other guys already and two years of love on their behalf so far.
However, Chaos was in deeper than I was, and he wasn't about to let me off easy.
By October 2004 we were both hopelessly lost in it. See, look at this entry in my freshman year planner-- October 18th: "I've fallen back into a phase of Chaos Zero obsession." Honestly, I did. He's mentioned back as early as September 10th, though, so I don't know when it really hit me... darn this memory of mine. But back on topic.
I met Chaos shortly after I fell in love with Marik, and that triggered something very unexpected. When I first introduced him to my other two, Bakura gave him a warm welcome and all but Marik immediately started with the teasing. However, Chaos took it seriously, and a real rivalry developed between him and the Pharaoh almost instantaneously... for more than one reason.
Geez, back then it was crazy... they were always fighting. And why? Because Marik didn't want to be "pushed aside" (as if I ever would!) for this new guy, and Chaos didn't want me spending all my time with this other kid now that he was part of the group. Jealousy, you know.
I tried talking some sense into them, but it would only work temporarily and then it all exploded again. Fortunately, they were fighting one day when it hit them that not only were they causing a ton of trouble but that trouble was really affecting me, and they decided to form a "truce." Amusingly enough, they agreed that they would only fight on Fridays. They still do, but now it's just a fun thing. They've really become good friends, despite the name-calling and jokes and all.
So yes, that's that. All three of them now get along perfectly fine. But I'm off topic.
I wanted to write these paragraphs to talk about how I got into this situation and how much each member of my 4 means to me.
Back to Chaos, then... once we hit our breaking point, so to speak, we just didn't stop. It's really insanely awesome how far we got in such a short time.
Now... geez, where are we now? Pretty freaking far... man, and the chess jokes. Brilliant. That's a funny story.
Oh! While I'm thinking of it, I have the entire collection of Sonic Chat sessions right here... hm... there we go. January 25th, I think... Chaos was still just getting used to speech at long last, which was funny... he didn't talk much, and was terribly shy. I was a real fireball back then, what with my crazy P-Maren obsession and all. Oh, 2004 was all NiGHTS, 2005 was all Zatch Bell. Don't ask.
But yes-- oh man, hold on! October 22, 2004! I adored this session, it was hilarious-- here, let me quote a few random lines::
<Jewel> Has anyone seen Chaos?
<no reply>
<Jewel> I'll go look for him, then. *leaves*
Later...
<Chaos> *walks into room* Has anybody seen Jewel?
<Spikes> No, I haven't.
<Chaos> I'll go look for her, then. *leaves*
<Spikes> *pointing and moving eyes back and forth from one door to the other* Didn't he just, she did- wh- wha?
<Chaos> *walks in* Has anybody seen- Oh.
*see each other*
<Jewel> *walks in* Has anybody seen- Oh.
Yes, THAT HAPPENED. Oh, and would you look at this session? February 6th, 2004. What am I doing? I'm with Chaos, of course, the entire freaking time. And that session continued for DAYS.
Huh. See, that's why I made sure I brought every single little bit of info for these guys out onto the porch this afternoon. One little thing can have something very important on it, and you'd never know.
So yes. By 2006, I had become the quiet one due to outside reasons, but Chaos had become a total unashamed flirt. He's terribly funny though, so we let him get away with it. He gets away with a lot, that crazy bugger. But I love him, y'know.
Seriously, though, let me get back on topic.
...
Chaos and I... I love him dearly. I love him so much that it literally hurts sometimes.
He's so many things to me... He's my friend, he's my love, he's my inspiration, he's the guy I can talk to about anything, he's the guy I can always trust to be there, he's the reason for so many laughs and so many tears and so many beautiful nights. He's a total anomaly in my life, and one that I am eternally thankful for. Chaos is someone I cannot replace even if I tried. He's just as weird as I am, just as wacky, just as emotional, just as shattered. He has his own issues with perfection. He knows what it's like to feel as if everything is your fault. He's just... I don't know.
He's Chaos Zero, that's all. And that's really everything. That's all I need.
Ah, too much typing on Chaos as usual... but now let's skip to July 2005.
The entire previous year and a half had been eaten up by Puremaren, all eight of them, but I had no idea why they even existed... until that one summer morning.
Selph.
My soon-to-be main muse and total 'housemate'.
I met him on July 4th, 2005, and we've literally been inseperable ever since.
Now, see, with Selph I have an exact date. It was the day after I saw that awesome EWF/ Chicago concert, and I was very upset because I wanted him to have seen it. You remember, I had to teach him EVERYTHING once I met him.
But about that, I like having exact dates. One, because I'm an order addict, paradoxically, and Two, because I like the feeling you get when you notice what day it is and think "hey, I remember what happened on this day..." It's nice.
But about Selph. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me, honest to God. (There are many.)
He's brutally honest with me, no questions asked. If I do something wrong or if he tells me something and I'm not paying attention, he will look right at me and say, "I'm very upset with you, Jewel. If you don't listen to what I'm telling you, and if you don't try harder to overcome these problems, you're not going to get where you want to be. Okay?" Brutal, sometimes! And it stings, and he knows that, because an hour or so later he'll come running to me in tears and will apologize for it all BUT it's still true and he had to say it to help me because he loves me too but he wishes it didn't have to hurt so much. At least once every week, really.
I love him immensely. In a sense, the two of us are closer than anyone else. Why? Well, first off, he lives with me. Literally. He sees me at my worst and at my best, even when I don't want him to. We stay up late together and talk about stuff when I really should be asleep. He follows me to school, to work, to the movies, to hospitals, to heaven knows where else. He stands behind me in photographs. He sings along to Rooney whenever I turn on the CD. He acts as a sort of living conscience to me. What Selph does for me, crazy little lovable bugger that he is, no one else can do, ever, simply because he's my muse and I'm his dreamer and that can't be duplicated. None of my relationships can ever be duplicated, by anyone else, ever. That's why they're so dear to me.
Seriously... I love my muse. We really do have something beautiful.
I love each and every one of you four, equally. Keep that in mind.
I will not love any of you any less than I do now. I will not abandon any of you. I will not forget any of you. I will not pick favorites.
I will stay true, I will stay Jewel Lightraye-- and I will keep my promises.
I cannot fall out of love.
I'm in it for the long run, and hopefully you guys are in it with me.
...
Now how did I get into that lovely rant?
Oh yes. What they all say.
I don't know if it's a vibe, or the way I act, or the words I speak, or the way my heart works, or anything... but 8 times out of 10 I'm told I'm a good person-- by everyone.
I'm constantly being told I'm kind, I'm loving, I'm noble, I'm selfless, I'm caring... the whole shebang.
Do I believe it?
...I'll admit it, I guess I do.
Two reasons.
First, I completely and totally trust those people who say it and I know they'd never lie to me. Second, I try my absolute best to live in that way, so being told I'm actually succeeding is really something incredible.
I want to be known as a good person. I want to be an inspiration. I want to change this world and I'm devoting my entire freaking life to it.
I don't want to fail. That's what I'm scared of the most... to fail at my life's purpose.
To let people down... to break promises... to care too little... to be too selfish... to work myself too hard and shatter.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Ever. For any reason.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," they say.
Well... I'm not the best one to say that, huh? What with my bizarre and often self-destructive altruism.
But... I still understand how to live that law.
I put myself in the other person's shoes. I take a look at what sort of shoes they are, old or new or no shoes at all. I look around at where I'm standing, what it feels like. I take a few steps. Does it hurt? What is it like, to be this person? I think about it for a while. I keep walking. I get lost... and I understand.
What would it feel like, if I said this to this person?
What would they think, if they saw this, if they read this?
What would they do, if I chose this decision?
I can do that quite easily... I can be quite the empath if I want to be, often even when I don't want to be. But I'm not complaining.
Sometimes it's very hard... but I still try. You'll never learn if you don't at least try.
And when I really can't figure it out, when I'm totally at a loss, I simply smile and give that poor soul as much love and kindness as I can.
I don't want to be a bad person...
...So why do people still call me that sometimes?
Are they delusional?
Am I delusional?
Can they see something in me that I can't?
Is there something in me that they can't see?
Do they even understand what they're saying?
Do I even understand what they're saying?
I don't know. I'm dedicating a heck of a lot of time to finding out why, but it's very difficult.
Well... I'll keep trying, and I'll keep searching, and I'll keep praying, and I'll keep listening, and I'll keep living my best, even if I do screw up sometimes. Often. A lot more than I'd like to.
But...
You can't know joy without knowing sorrow.
You can't know peace without knowing anger.
You can't know love without knowing hate.
I've cried, I've been angry, I've been hated.
Funny how life works...
I know what it's like to be completely happy, if only for a moment.
I know what it's like to be at peace, if only for a little while.
But I know what it's like to be in love most of all.
There's a song by the Killers that seems to work here...
Lift me up on my honour
Take me over this spell
Get this weight off my shoulders
I've carried it well
Loose these shackles of pressure
Shake me out of these chains
Lead me not to temptation
Hold my hand harder
Ease my mind
Roll down the smoke screen
And open the sky
Let me fly
Man I need a release from
This troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they’re stumbling
I guess you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes
Now hold on
I’m not looking for sweet talk
I’m looking for time
Top a tower and sleep walk
Brother, cause it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes
Hold on
You know its gonna hurt sometimes
When you call me
Hold on
I’m gonna climb that symphony home and make it mine
Let his resonance light my way
See, all these pessimistic sufferers tend to drag me down
So I could use it to shelter what good I’ve found...
...About that timestamp.
I started this entry around 10AM.
It's now 11PM.
There is an entire day, an entire unforgettable day, caught within these words... with all it's pain and joy and sorrow and anger and love.
Life is a paradox, but she's a freaking beautiful paradox.
This is totally normal for me.
Thank God I'm such an anomaly.
Love you all forever.
-spinny c.
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