prismaticbleed | Dear Lord, what a morning (Reply)

I woke up at 12:30PM thanks to my awful surgery-pain-ridden sleep schedule, and it hasn't improved at all since then.
Darn it. I hate days like this, I really do.

My laptop won't work, as usual... let me tell you; when you sit for ten solid minutes and the screen keeps freezing and glitching out and x-ing things off and all sorts of junk and it does this every time you use it, your patience begins to wear very thin.
I really hope the Mac I have to get for school works... but it would help if the school would actually call me back with what sort of Mac I need.

I need to switch my fall schedule, too. I was supposed to take Psychology, but that's a tough class and I have a very fragile head (unfortunately). All that stress and classwork would drive me mad. My mother and teachers have been talking about sending me to a mental hospital recently, and I'm afraid they'll actually carry through this time. I don't want to go, but I'm such an awful mess upstairs right now... I can't take this.
Days like this I really wish my mind worked. It hurts.

Mom came home from dayshift at 2:30 and immediately started lecturing me...
I can't take her lectures. The reason I can't take them is because she starts talking, talks ridiculously fast, and doesn't stop. She just talks and talks and talks and all that incessant noise and jumbled information throws me into a panic attack. No, I'm not exaggerating, and I'm not kidding either. I have Todd Rundgren blasting on my headphones right now just to block her out. I literally cannot take it. I was in tears and hyperventilating earlier from all this... and she doesn't just talk, she insults and she condemns and she yells and she belittles and... well. You get the point.
I just get so upset because I don't know what to do to change that. I know she's stressed out, so I don't blame her for shouting. I don't know how to make her understand that I really can't take all this talking, but I'm not mad at her or frustrated with her... just the noise.
I don't know how to let her know that I am trying to listen and do what she says; anything to make the stress and anger go away.
I don't know how to tell her because she won't listen when I tell her.
It's so frustrating sometimes.

I spoke to Q on Skype last night. Not out loud, of course: my face still hurts too much from surgery.
Anyway, I had to laugh-- we got back into one of our infamously fun "stop blaming yourself for everything" and "you're doing fine, don't be such a super-perfectionist with yourself" and all that conversations. I need to hear that every once in a while, mainly because I get the exact opposite on a daily basis. Man I love that kid.
"You're not blaming yourself enough" and "you have to be perfect" at home, you know?
I don't know. Life's a paradox.

Hmm.
I was talking to Jim through random notes and comments earlier. I really needed that; Jim's an amazing kid and he always makes me laugh.
Also, I owe him a ton of giftart, fanart, and now a Sonic pic request that I literally asked him to give me, haha.

I'm going to get back into working on Sonic Inversion with my brother soon. We've been busy on that project for almost 7 years now, and I've been spending a lot of time recently polishing up the storyline.
We did an amazingly good job, actually-- and it's shocking at parts. I mean, there are things we wrote in years ago that actually fit in with the newer canon plot. We couldn't have planned that better if we tried!
It really is fantastic. I'm going to draw up a comic explaining the finer points soon, just so I can get my foot in the door of the Sonic fandom in a big way and change it for good, aha!

Anyway, it's getting late, and I think my mom is going to drag me out to work on Girl Scout projects for the rest of the afternoon. I mean, I don't mind-- I like this project and want to do it-- but I am recovering from surgery, which means that I am in a ton of facial pain, am horribly dizzy, and still fatigued out of my head. Plus you know what I said about the noise and stress. I shatter easily.
You know how people say "take a deep breath, count to ten, and you'll feel better?" No, not for me. I do that and I either feel worse from the suppression or I start to hyperventilate, haha. I am such a screwup.
That is why I run to music when I'm upset! It keeps out the noise, and it makes me think of other things. For example: Keane, who I am now listening to as I type. I always imagine Justice singing their music and I have a lot of good memories for this song (Your Eyes Open) so that helps a ton.
The only thing I don't like about stress + music + surgery pain is that noise of any sort, even good noise, makes the pain worse. So I can't listen to music for very long, but when I take the headphones off all I hear is yammering and a constant stream of words words words and that's not much better.
Geez. I'd dorm but that would be so much worse. I'd have to put up with kids. Well, you know what I mean. It takes a while for some people to grow up, and I'm not comfortable with people in my age group (17-30), to be blunt.
Actually, I'm not comfortable with ages. I'm not comfortable with age or gender at all. Isn't that funny?

Gosh, that's another talk I've never had with my family or psychiatrist... the fact that I'm an FTN and consider myself technically ageless on the inside.
Well, no. I mention here-and-there that I'm FTN, but no one takes me seriously. It's very upsetting.
Huh. One day I'll get my operations, though. Then I'll be happy.
Isn't it terrible how things like that can screw with your daily life so badly that you can't really be yourself unless you get an operation or whatever?
I know a lot of people laugh at that and say, "aw, live with it, and stop being a whiny bitch." Well, sometimes you can't.
Put yourself in that person's shoes-- a guy who grew up in a girl's body, or a girl who grew up in a guy's body. FTMs, MTFs, all that junk. And then there's people like me-- a non-gendered soul who grew up being called a 'girl' and having to live with the physical junk as well.
When everything you are screams that 'these labels, these physical problems, they aren't who I am' then you have a problem. You can't function, and it's a serious concern.
I've been living with this FTN problem since I was a kid, and that's not a lie. I realized my problem 10 years ago, and I still haven't been able to do anything about it.
"Oh, you're still too young to know..." no, I'm not. Things this vital and important: you know. I know what I'm talking about and what I'm doing.

How did I get into this rant again? Gosh.

Oh well. I guess I should have figured something was up back when I was a kid... I was never interested in women or men, and I'm still not... however, I do experience a sort of attraction (not physical, though-- I'm antisexual, remember?) to those who really don't have an age or gender or stuff like that, haha.
That's also why it helps for me to me a little bit mental-- the only people I know who fit that category are Selph and Chaos Zero. Funny little world, isn't it?

Well, that's enough of that. Every once in a while I just get off on a tangent and start raving about that junk. I guess it's because I can't talk about it to anyone and need to vent, you know?

Even so, the talk-talk-talk problem is starting up again and now I have to go out in the sunshine (sunshine + my pain meds = not good) and do heaven knows what for this projects... like I said, bad timing. My mom just tries to do far too much at once, and she also ignores any and all roadblocks or problems that may come up, because "you have to work through it." Well, she had me thinking that same way for years, but... sometimes you can't work through it. Sometimes you have to accept that there is a problem that you can't overcome. It's tough, but...
I don't know. I can't stand saying things like that, because I despise taking the easy way out of anything... so 'accepting that you have an unchangeable problem' is very difficult for me. It just sounds ridiculous.
Like I said, life is hard.

I'll see you kids later. Have a good evening!

Every night you're out there darling
You're always out there running, and I see that lost look in your eyes.
Confusion, I don't know what I should do.
Confusion, I leave it all up to you.
You've lost your love and you just can't carry on
You feel there's no one there for you to lean on.

Dark is the road you wander
And as you stand there under the starry sky, you feel sad inside.
Confusion, you know its driving me wild.
Confusion, it comes as no big surprise.
You've lost your love and you just can't carry on
You feel there's no one there for you to lean on.

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@ 09:26 pm What the heck am I supposed to do here?

I can't be self-abusing myself all the time like this. No one likes seeing bitemarks and random scratches all over their kid's arms, but honestly... sometimes, there's no other way to get the stress out.
When you hurt enough on the inside, when your head just hurts so much that you'd do anything to make it stop-- the quickest way is to give yourself some shock of pain and let your attention focus on that instead.

My left arm is a total mess. It's actually bleeding, which I've never done before. I couldn't sleep well last night because of it, but it did keep me from freaking out yesterday, so that helped.
Today? No. Today I had to resort back to biting just to relieve the pressure in my head.

I know it sounds crazy, and I'll even admit that it is.
The only problem is that, most people I tell about this, look at me and say "that's so childish" or "how stupid you're being!" or "try some yoga instead of hurting yourself" or crap like that.
Most of those people have never been in a situation like this, and most of those people probably think that all people work the same.
No, they don't. I work in a completely different way than my mom, she works in a completely different way than my grandmother, and it goes on and on like that. No two people are ever alike, and too few people remember that.

People keep treating Laurie as if she's a problem...
She's not a problem. I need her. I love her. Just because her job is abusing me when I can't doesn't mean she's bad for me, honestly.

I need to learn how to work FL Studio better. I'm listening to all these gorgeous Sonic remixes and I really want to learn how to write them myself...
Heh, that and I need to let the fandom know how freaking much I love Chaos Zero.
Honestly, I want my name to be out there with his. I want people to think of Chaos and I in the same way that they think of TRiPPY and NiGHTS. Synonymous!
Yeah, that's one of my random little dreams. It's nice to have. I just need to work towards it a little more.
*pokes Chaos* Unfortunately, you're very difficult to draw, sweetheart.

But yes. Busy life coming right up.
I'll see you guys later.