Oh, you miss this icon, don't you?
Jun. 15th, 2008 11:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleed So did I.
I have no idea why I'm typing this right now.
I had originally planned to go to Xanga and argue with Laurie for a full two hours or so, but my free time today clocks in at 11:30 PM. What the fish.
I had then planned to go to IJ and rant a little bit about life in general... but thought that maybe I should stop by here instead and be more direct.
Finally, I logged in here with all the intentions of simply throwing all restraints and rules aside and just typing everything out.
But I can't really do that here, can I?
And besides... the fiery determination is gone. I don't know where it went.
I'm not depressed... I'm not angry. But I'm not too happy, either, and I'm definitely not content.
I don't know why I just don't say things flat-out, okay? I don't know what the heck I want.
I want to be with the people I love.
I want to be left completely alone.
I want to tell you all of this.
I don't want you to know any of this.
I don't want to lose this.
I wish I had never gotten involved in this.
Paradoxes, lies! Impossibilities and hypocrisy!
What is going wrong with me?
I've reached the point where I'm simply reaching inside and willfully disconnecting all the wires because I just want some silence. Some relief, some respite from all the noise and colors and worries and desperate thoughts... an escape, even if it leaves me in the soundless dark for a little while. I'm still in my solitude, still away from it all. The strings will never break, but I've walled my mind out somehow and somehow it seems to be comforting.
Even though I can't stand a single second of it.
I'm scared to death of being alone!
I'm scared to death of having to depend on others all my life!
I'm scared of the deafening silence!
I'm scared that I will never get that silence!
I'm scared of my connections!
I'm scared of being disconnected!
I'm so freaking indecisive it's driving me even further out of my mind than I already am...
I'm addicted to pain and I can't stand the thought of getting hurt.
I said it before, back in December... "all I can see is blood in my head, but I don't want it!"
"I die when I'm alone, but pray for solitude when I don't have it."
"My mind's in a rush, all the time, even in peace. I can't stop it... I'm so frantic!"
"How can an empath be this screwed up?"
Do you have any idea how this feels?
This indecision?
This utter confusion, this terribly panicked feeling of my anomalous self?
Looking at the clock 7 minutes after midnight and wondering what in the name of anything am I doing, here or anywhere else?
Do I belong anywhere? What should I be doing?
And I don't know.
I never know.
I keep searching.
I never know.
Maybe I want her to treat me like dirt. Screaming and swearing and all that. I don't know.
Maybe some demented and nebula-eyed part of me loves the feeling of an axe between her shoulder blades, loves the feeling you get when a firing squad is staring at the back of your poor unfortunate head. Ready, aim, fire.
Car accidents whenever I drive in dreams.
Always lost. Always wandering. No exceptions. Every night.
Looking for somewhere I need to go and never finding it.
No one knows where it is.
Looking for something I need to have and never finding it.
No one knows where it is.
Looking for someone I need and...
Gigantic, empty buildings.
Cities with almost no one around.
Walking down rainy streets and not knowing why.
I wonder what I'll see tonight?
I'm not looking for sweet talk
I'm looking for time.
Top a tower and sleep walk, brother
'Cause it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes.
Hold on...
Man, I need a release from this troublesome mind...!
I don't want all that sweet talk, y'know.
All those rainbows and butterflies. All those sparkles and flowers and good times.
I'm perfectly happy with my rainy streets and lonely valleys if it means I get to smile once in a while... really, truly smile.
Once in a while.
...
"Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their 'discomfort' like a favorite shirt."
Why do I seem to prefer these disjointed thoughts, here in the dark hours of midnight, illuminated only by a cold laptop screen and the noctural red glow of the hallway? Why do I seem to prefer this disconnection, this lack of any contact and company, even when my family is just down the hall and he still happens to be online and my muse is watching me type with a look of heartbreakingly desperate concern?
Is it because I'm so used to it?
Is it because I have so much of it in my life that I feel it deserves to be the freaking default or something?
Geez, and who the heck is putting these hideously violent thoughts into my head? No, I don't want to do that, do you have any idea what that would feel like? All that blood, and how the heck to you expect scissors to... why the heck do I even think of this lunacy? I have no interest in it, and yet it always shows up and scares me to death...
I'm starting to shiver although it's like 80 degrees and my nerves are shot although you wouldn't know it if you looked at me. I have a cruelly good poker face when it works. Even when I don't want it to.
Even so, I have God putting all these people and coincidences in my life and that is more than enough help to get me through this, thank you very much.
Thank God I'm so willing to give of myself to everyone else... thank God I don't pick favorites and love the entire fishing world. If I didn't, my heart would be pretty cut up.
It's not entire, but it's not divided. I give everyone as much as I possibly can, but no one ever gets the whole thing. Doing that would not only be unfair, it would be impossible. I can't put anyone else down, I can't count anyone else out! Everyone gets just as much love as the next person and if anyone is unintentionally missing out then darn it I'm going to go back and fix that.
'All you can do is try,' they say... and we are trying... but we can only try so hard, and that's it. That's our limit.
Can you try any harder once you have already succeeded?
How about when there is nothing you need to achieve?
How about when you are already where you need to be?
How can you be sure?
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference...
-spinningcannon
I have no idea why I'm typing this right now.
I had originally planned to go to Xanga and argue with Laurie for a full two hours or so, but my free time today clocks in at 11:30 PM. What the fish.
I had then planned to go to IJ and rant a little bit about life in general... but thought that maybe I should stop by here instead and be more direct.
Finally, I logged in here with all the intentions of simply throwing all restraints and rules aside and just typing everything out.
But I can't really do that here, can I?
And besides... the fiery determination is gone. I don't know where it went.
I'm not depressed... I'm not angry. But I'm not too happy, either, and I'm definitely not content.
I don't know why I just don't say things flat-out, okay? I don't know what the heck I want.
I want to be with the people I love.
I want to be left completely alone.
I want to tell you all of this.
I don't want you to know any of this.
I don't want to lose this.
I wish I had never gotten involved in this.
Paradoxes, lies! Impossibilities and hypocrisy!
What is going wrong with me?
I've reached the point where I'm simply reaching inside and willfully disconnecting all the wires because I just want some silence. Some relief, some respite from all the noise and colors and worries and desperate thoughts... an escape, even if it leaves me in the soundless dark for a little while. I'm still in my solitude, still away from it all. The strings will never break, but I've walled my mind out somehow and somehow it seems to be comforting.
Even though I can't stand a single second of it.
I'm scared to death of being alone!
I'm scared to death of having to depend on others all my life!
I'm scared of the deafening silence!
I'm scared that I will never get that silence!
I'm scared of my connections!
I'm scared of being disconnected!
I'm so freaking indecisive it's driving me even further out of my mind than I already am...
I'm addicted to pain and I can't stand the thought of getting hurt.
I said it before, back in December... "all I can see is blood in my head, but I don't want it!"
"I die when I'm alone, but pray for solitude when I don't have it."
"My mind's in a rush, all the time, even in peace. I can't stop it... I'm so frantic!"
"How can an empath be this screwed up?"
Do you have any idea how this feels?
This indecision?
This utter confusion, this terribly panicked feeling of my anomalous self?
Looking at the clock 7 minutes after midnight and wondering what in the name of anything am I doing, here or anywhere else?
Do I belong anywhere? What should I be doing?
And I don't know.
I never know.
I keep searching.
I never know.
Maybe I want her to treat me like dirt. Screaming and swearing and all that. I don't know.
Maybe some demented and nebula-eyed part of me loves the feeling of an axe between her shoulder blades, loves the feeling you get when a firing squad is staring at the back of your poor unfortunate head. Ready, aim, fire.
Car accidents whenever I drive in dreams.
Always lost. Always wandering. No exceptions. Every night.
Looking for somewhere I need to go and never finding it.
No one knows where it is.
Looking for something I need to have and never finding it.
No one knows where it is.
Looking for someone I need and...
Gigantic, empty buildings.
Cities with almost no one around.
Walking down rainy streets and not knowing why.
I wonder what I'll see tonight?
I'm not looking for sweet talk
I'm looking for time.
Top a tower and sleep walk, brother
'Cause it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes.
Hold on...
Man, I need a release from this troublesome mind...!
I don't want all that sweet talk, y'know.
All those rainbows and butterflies. All those sparkles and flowers and good times.
I'm perfectly happy with my rainy streets and lonely valleys if it means I get to smile once in a while... really, truly smile.
Once in a while.
...
"Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their 'discomfort' like a favorite shirt."
Why do I seem to prefer these disjointed thoughts, here in the dark hours of midnight, illuminated only by a cold laptop screen and the noctural red glow of the hallway? Why do I seem to prefer this disconnection, this lack of any contact and company, even when my family is just down the hall and he still happens to be online and my muse is watching me type with a look of heartbreakingly desperate concern?
Is it because I'm so used to it?
Is it because I have so much of it in my life that I feel it deserves to be the freaking default or something?
Geez, and who the heck is putting these hideously violent thoughts into my head? No, I don't want to do that, do you have any idea what that would feel like? All that blood, and how the heck to you expect scissors to... why the heck do I even think of this lunacy? I have no interest in it, and yet it always shows up and scares me to death...
I'm starting to shiver although it's like 80 degrees and my nerves are shot although you wouldn't know it if you looked at me. I have a cruelly good poker face when it works. Even when I don't want it to.
Even so, I have God putting all these people and coincidences in my life and that is more than enough help to get me through this, thank you very much.
Thank God I'm so willing to give of myself to everyone else... thank God I don't pick favorites and love the entire fishing world. If I didn't, my heart would be pretty cut up.
It's not entire, but it's not divided. I give everyone as much as I possibly can, but no one ever gets the whole thing. Doing that would not only be unfair, it would be impossible. I can't put anyone else down, I can't count anyone else out! Everyone gets just as much love as the next person and if anyone is unintentionally missing out then darn it I'm going to go back and fix that.
'All you can do is try,' they say... and we are trying... but we can only try so hard, and that's it. That's our limit.
Can you try any harder once you have already succeeded?
How about when there is nothing you need to achieve?
How about when you are already where you need to be?
How can you be sure?
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference...
-spinningcannon
