I wish Laurie was physical...

[prismaticbleed]

...I need someone to beat the bloody life out of me sometimes.



I have learned to fear good days like the plague.
I can have amazing days, beautiful days, near-perfect days... and every time, at the very end, something absolutely horrible happens that leaves me sobbing with Laurie screaming at me for being such an ignorant idiot. I don't blame her.

There's something about good days that makes some dark, demonic thing inside me go insane. I don't know if it's Julie, or Satan, or plain old distraction, or anything else... but I do know one thing, and that is that I want it dead and gone at almost any cost. (Yes, almost. I refuse to give up my chance of salvation for anything.)

Anyway.
It happened again today.
Laurie was screaming at Julie-- "don't you dare pull your shit tonight, or I swear I'll kill you." (She comes close.)
Julie didn't listen.
Julie hacked my consciousness when I wasn't looking.
Lucky me... I caught myself before it got too far (dear God, but I've been too late before) and immediately Laurie shoved me out of the driver's seat.
Immediately the insults came.

"You f*cking bastard! What the hell is wrong with you? Do you have any idea what you're doing? Damn you! Damn you, you son of a bitch!!"

I was sobbing... because I knew she was right.


I hate myself so bitterly sometimes.
Days like this... I just want to turn off my pain sensors all the way, grab a knife, and cut myself up to be what I want to be.
I highly doubt anyone is going to do it for me.


My mind hit the edge today and literally considered that afterwards. Totally random flashback to the X-Men movie, with Nightcrawler... you know, how he has all those marks over him.
"One for every sin..."

I considered that.
I picked up a pair of freaking scissors and I came one iota of pressure away from doing that.
Caught myself, though.
God knows I would willingly become a flagellant...one of those desperately contrite souls that punish themselves to extremes for their sins.
The only problem is that I can't.
I can't do that, because not only have I seen others suffer like that and don't want to mock them in that respect, but also because I have been taught time and time again that one should not abuse their own self.



Thank God I have Laurie.