112123

Nov. 21st, 2023 10:24 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)


SHJ Mass today because schedule different.
Lauds in car, guilt wouldn't let me skip it, thank God
Wegmans stop, asked for more prayers, got some more sacramentals!
Traffic trouble and "doubting the Spirit". Very humbled & chastened.

Unexpected laundry, Jesus recommended
TALKING TO HIM btw. Church too.
Also. We had to do the wash twice to get the suds out, and now I know why God did that-- because when we went to the dryer now, 40m later than it would've been, we met a NEW NEIGHBOR and were able to help him out with instructions!
Oh but we LEFT FIRST. We were already up the stairs when the Spirit elbowed us in the gut, haha. We legit TURNED AROUND and went back down to offer help.
Man I might even go BACK in a half hour to offer change for the dryer.
...I've never lived as a Christian before. Is this what it's like? It's ineffable. It's real. I'm not used to things being tangible, being actual and active, in time and space with people!
But this is exactly what that article I started reading last night told me. It literally turned my world upside-down. I need to quote it, type about it. But this is exactly what it was talking about.
God I WANT to live like this. I WANT to be a real Christian, a true disciple, a servant of God by serving His People. I've never known what it was like before. It's joy, even especially in the effort. Remember grandma. Remember SLC and CNC even, what we wanted them to be: serving others. Deep down my soul truly yearns for it, as a female especially, I'm wired to serve. And such acts of sacrificial charity are what need to grow in my faith WALK. I've just been talking! But Christianity is worship AND service, both symbiotic, united, inseparable. We are anointed to be like Christ Jesus Himself, our Head and Lord-- and His ENTIRE LIFE was serving, even to the point of giving His Life for our salvation, in redemptive death AND in Sacramental Food! Dude WE ARE OBLIGATED TO IMITATE HIM TO THE END. That is the highest privilege and it's TRUE JOY.
Don't forget, though, that we get our "fuel" TO do service THROUGH PRAYER. So did Jesus. It's inhale/exhale. We are given grace in order to give grace.
...And quarters for laundry, too, if the Spirit nudges you to it.

FOR THE RECORD = bliss isn't an emotion. Christian joy isn't about "feeling good" at ALL. Like all truth, it is beyond the sensible and temporal. When you do "good deeds," you must NEVER do them for a reward, or in the hopes OF "feeling good," like Professor Marmalade. You all know how he turned out! Rather, a Christian does "good" because God is good, and we are His Children-- we do good because Christ is in us doing the work for His glory and purposes. We do good because true goodness is found in Self-giving, in sacrificial Love, in tireless charity and boundless generosity, and we are able to do all of those things though the Holy Spirit given by the Son to glorify the Father. Our joy is in GOD.
And THAT is true bliss. Even when you "feel" empty, hollow, unappreciated, rejected, suspected, even slandered, if you are working by the Spirit, and for the Father's sake, as part of Christ's Body, then no matter how you are received by men you WILL have genuine joy in your heart. As divine mysteries are, it is quiet and deep, still and serene. You may not "feel" anything like secular "happiness," but you will have joy, and peace, and hope, and love-- all from God and for God. You are never the end of your own means. You are never the goal, never the summit, never the reason, never the cause. You're never "doing good" because of yourself; you are doing good and serving others and worshiping in action because God wants to use you to do His work. He has given you the opportunity and the grace to meet it... but He has also given you free will, even now. Will you choose to obey, even knowing you might not receive so much as mere consolation? Will you obey solely because you love your Master, and since He so loves this world of His, loves all the people He sends you to serve, then so will you?
You are an unprofitable servant. And yet, in your very obligation, you may come to share the Master's joy.



Timing the eggs today.
Siobhan did the dishes, telling us that when we're being timed OR waiting on timing-- the eggs & laundry respectively-- the Front is in a DIFFERENT SPACE??
It's NOT social; it's actually SUPER INTERNAL. It's laserpoint focus on the "time ahead" to the point of debilitating distraction in the present. It CANNOT interact socially as a result.
...

⭐Shirley, Sirius, and Penny TRUE JOBS MATCH THEIR NAMES!
Also Penny is "maturing"; she's "growing out of" her initial "infant" stage of root-likeness, when she resembled Razor a lot, because they're tied to the same chronological era?

⭐EVERYONE PRAYS DIFFERENTLY!! When people front, they FEEL the sentiments uniquely, to their color especially?? Anima Christi proved this unexpectedly and movingly.

Wondering about "color virtues" in light of this.
Violet is TRUTH?? Laurie's ESSENTIAL role!!

Evening =
Adoration!
Could not focus.
SEVERE PANIC setting in the darker & bluer it got.
Eased up a bit at home, alone & warm light, "smaller soundspace"??
BUT THE PANIC RETURNED and was DEBILITATING.
Got on the bike, put on liquid funk and BOOKED IT for 12m. INSTANT CURE.
Man we SERIOUSLY want to go back to being a gym rat, but I'm afraid that fast, strong, bright lifestyle would be in conflict with our quiet, slow, soft "cloistered life" now. Is a balance possible??? Because honestly the FORMER is true to "my soul." I'm still RED. I still have this FIRE in me that I keep dousing to be a "good Christian girl." But... God made me a spark? God knew I would have this disposition? My ENTIRE CHILDHOOD I was like this? Is it possible to be a "good Christian" and still be honestly entirely "ME"?
I want to be MYSELF for God, absolutely blazingly myself, hiding nothing & holding nothing back, giving all my fire to Him.
When did I become this? This frightened mouse of a person, a wet blanket that cries at the drop of a hat, not from sorrow but from terror. "I'm" watered-down and washed-out. What the fish happened to "me"?? This isn't a life, this isn't even a personality; how am I ever supposed to give THAT to God? I won't own it. That's dishonest. It's not my heart. My heart is still a thurible, full of fire and burning itself up for the Lord in joy. I don't know. I'm starting to slip away. I'm going dormant. That pinkish girl is taking over again, she uses flowery powdery language, not me. I apologize.
I'm a nervous wreck there's 8 minutes until Vespers what do I do until then??
Then I'm going back on the bike, before we totally pass out from anxiety. Chill out, it's only 6 minutes now. Don't be so terrified!


Dinner over an HOUR LATE haha. Our panicky brain CANNOT relax until Vespers is said. Hence our inability to get done earlier, especially when churches have evening events.
Seriously though we NEED TO DO ACTUAL NIGHTLY JOURNALING AGAIN. Not this overwhelming, scattered, perpetually unfinished datapasting for the sake of "piety."
We would probably actually grow so much more in our faith if we STOPPED just ctrl+v'ing everything to the point of never thinking about God on our own. If we do paste something, we need to talk about it RIGHT THEN. Hoarding religious text for the sake of "doing something with it later" is carelessly irreverent.
...

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VOTD = Psalm 23:6.
"Perhaps it may take a while to see the goodness God, but make no mistake, God is always good...even if your situation does not seem good, we follow a God Who Is always good. [So] trust Him today, that His Love and His Goodness will follow you, not only today, but very single day of your life."
Trust Him even in the pit, even in prison, even in oppression, etc. Like Joseph in the OT. It took YEARS for him to see God's goodness in his life, BUT he trusted the entire time he waited, KNOWING that God had promised him goodness, and it WOULD come, when God decided it was time. Until then, he trusted that God was working, everywhere, everyday, for that very goodness. You can't see who is following you until you turn around, but they are there! Likewise, we may only recognize God's constant lovingkindness in hindsight. But it has been following you the entire time. You have never been abandoned or forgotten. Even in the pit, God was with you, and not only that, He followed you there! He didn't "show up later." He goes with you always. That's how caring & devoted His "following you" is. It isn't passive or casual, it's active and involved. That's how dear you are to Him, that He will not leave you, even in the grave.That's love.


"At the end of Psalm 23, there is a promise for us. For those who follow God and listen to His guidance, the writer says that goodness and mercy will follow us."

Wait up, THAT COUNTS AS A PROMISE???
Gosh, I guess that does make sense-- the Psalms are inspired writings, typically prophetic, and the Holy Spirit is living and active in speaking to us through them NOW. Jesus says "Scripture cannot be broken," and "my words will never pass away," and Saint Paul says "all Scripture is God-breathed." SO, if Scripture says something "WILL" happen, even in the Psalms, it's still God's Word;  it's still inspired by the Spirit; it's still Truth.
Man that seriously puts EVERYTHING on a whole new level. I honestly never caught the truly deep & sacred implications of "ALL Scripture is God's Word" before. No wonder I never understood what people meant when they did talk about "God's Promises"-- I didn't even know what to look for, let alone how to read them!
Honestly this is eye-opening, and heart-opening. Mimic and Chaos 0 will both be happy, haha-- especially because honestly we REALLY SHOULD RESTART OUR BIBLE PLAN. "We" started it during the E.D. and so NO ONE REMEMBERS IT. What little recall data we have is from traumaburn data. That's not right. God's Word deserves our wholehearted attention and devotion.
After we finish John we will have to do that. So GET CRACKIN' ON THAT COMMENTARY SON!!

"What does it mean that God's goodness and mercy will follow us? It doesn't mean that life will go according to our plans. It also doesn't mean life will be free of pain and problems... we will still have to walk through dark valleys in life. Here's what it does mean: God will always be with us. God will always be good to us. Life may not always be easy, but God promises to always Be Good... His goodness and mercy will never end, [and] it’s because of God's goodness and mercy that we will one day join Him in heaven to be with Him forever."
1) That initial distinction is important. Yes, we are being followed, but that doesn't mean we're leading the way!! There's a CONDITION attached to the following, even in the Psalm, and that is, so simply & starkly you could miss it, that "the LORD is my Shepherd." If He doesn't go ahead of you, then nothing of His goes behind you, either.
2) Pain, problems, darkness, low valleys, shadows and even death itself cannot stop the pursuit of God's Goodness.
3) God will always be good... TO us.
4) God's "always" isn't stopped by death, or even time itself. For God, "always" truly means forever.
5) WE CAN'T GET TO HEAVEN OTHERWISE.


"Lord, help me to dwell in the awareness of Your goodness and mercy each day. May I be a vessel of Your love to others. Open my eyes to recognize Your leading in every circumstance, and teach me to follow after You."

1) We CANNOT be "vessels of God's Love" UNLESS we are RECEPTIVE TO THAT LOVE, and we cannot receive it unless we are AWARE of it, and even then, awareness alone won't fill us up unless we DWELL in what we are aware of and open to receive! IT'S A WHOLE PROCESS.



112023

Nov. 20th, 2023 10:22 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Absolute nervous wreck over fasting
Couldn't concentrate at all during Mass

Laundry day to busy self

Called Father because we were outright refusing to eat from the moral panic
We are officially FORBIDDEN FROM FASTING.
He said that, considering BOTH our health history AND spiritual state, fasting would NOT help us but rather HURT us-- it would feed "false humility" and it would add fuel to disordered mindsets. The example HE gave was jarringly unexpected but scarily possible: that we would effectively think, "see, I CAN do this severe as a fast, and I haven't relapsed yet! Let's see how much FURTHER I can push this!"


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Ttywpf = Evangelization is a COMMAND! We are seriously ordered to "share, bear, & declare" the Gospel-- to share our own faith experiences, bear witness to the Truth we have known firsthand, and declare the Message of Christ to the WHOLE WORLD as His ambassadors.
We CANNOT hesitate, make excuses, back down, cut corners, or put it off. We CANNOT act like it's optional or outdated. No. It is a PERPETUAL DUTY as long as our hearts are still beating.
EVERY SINGLE DAY we should be doing SOMETHING to evangelize, however small. That motive & intent-- to make Christ known everywhere-- must be at the forefront of our thoughts in every situation, coloring all our conversation. To be a Christian IS to be constantly witnessing to the Gospel, in word and deed, "in season and out of season," regardless of situation or convenience or effort or risk.
Burn this command into your brain. Seriously. We've got to be a steadfast soldier of God and that REQUIRES wearing our Lord's livery as unconditional uniform.
That's actually a good place to start. Witness must actually be both active and passive. We cannot rely on spoken language. We must preach Christ in action and demeanor, in environment and habit and association. Christ must be Lord of ALL in our life, and all of our life must serve Him. That is the heart of evangelization. We cannot declare or share His Kingdom if we aren't bearing His Cross. Our life must be completely dissolved into His. But I'm speaking ultimate ends now. That process is perfected only in Heaven, by Christ Himself; we mustn't be proud or panicky or perfectionistic over "achieving" it here, by our own efforts. Our focus must be as childlike as it is zealous: we must make Christ known to all.


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VOTD = Galatians 5:25.

"To "walk in step with the Spirit" is for our spirit to be aligned with the Holy Spirit: aligned to grow our love for others, aligned to be comforted in our pain, aligned to discern what is the wise thing to do. So life experience, it pulls, even jerks us out of alignment, so we need that daily realignment from the Spirit through solitude and silence, and in reflecting on God's Word."
1) I was stunned by the explicit reference to TWO spirits! For some reason I literally FORGOT that we humans have spirits of our own-- or more jarringly, I don't think I ever fully understood that we do in the first place. I just assumed there's the Holy Spirit, and that's it. Remember, I come from a very poor spiritual background; I never had any real spiritual conception of the body, or human nature in reference to it, whatsoever. I dehumanized my own existence even in my "faith" beliefs. So this opening sentence is huge.
2) The PURPOSE and RESULTS of the alignment, expressed by that other unique word word "TO."
3) Our daily life in this world WILL DISALIGN US. That is a vital warning.
4) We NEED realignment, but we need to RECEIVE IT. The last key word is "FROM"!!


The written reflection is stunning and beautiful=
"When we trust in Jesus as our Savior, we're given the gift of grace and the gift of the Holy Spirit. To put it simply, the Holy Spirit is God. We are given God!"
This isn't exaggeration. WE ARE LITERALLY GIVEN GOD.
No other religion can claim this. Only Christianity has the Truth, which is God reaching down to earth to embrace us, not us exalting ourselves to heaven to supplant Him-- it is God becoming Man, not Man becoming God. It is God giving His Life to us through Love, not man striving to make his own life divine through pride. You get the idea. Other religions say man can become Deity, but Christianity says Deity wants to be with man. The Holy Spirit comes to us, to dwell in us, to lead us to heaven, and it is not by any merit or knowledge or power of ours-- it is by faith alone. The most harmlessly helpless child, the most wretchedly contrite criminal, they stand together before the Cross alongside kings and celebrities and priests and mystics, all of them on equal ground, all of them hoping, believing, and trusting in nothing but the Crucified Savior that they all desperately need and confess and love.
And that very Savior gives all of them His Spirit. You too, fellow Christian. If you believe in your heart that Jesus Christ has died to pay your debt of sin and risen to give you a living hope of salvation, and you confess that Jesus Christ is Lord of heaven and earth and you, then guess what? You have been given God. The Holy Spirit is there, within you, breathing His grace into your soul. He is a Gift, as God loves to do. Treasure Him.
Honestly, just sit with this for a while. Feel His Presence. Let ardent gratitude overflow in joyful tears. Give glory and praise to the merciful, generous, compassionate, personal God Who loves you so much He not only died to save you from death, but He also gave you His very Life so you could truly live-- with Him, with Living Love and Light Himself, for all Eternity.


111923

Nov. 19th, 2023 09:19 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Happy Sunday, as always!
Actually looking forward to it now, it's no longer "exhausting" to our brain, it's a genuine joy & relief, a real rest.

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Sunday means BASILICA HOMILY QUOTES and Rev Ismael Ayala always gives good ones:

"In the parable we just heard, the Gospel tells us three investors, and invites us to identify with them. The Master in today's parable stands for Jesus Christ, and the servants stand for each one of us. And I think that's one lesson we all need to reflect on: Do we see ourselves as servants-- that is, dependent on God? In this fallen world, so many people tend to think of themselves as the center of he universe. But this parable [is] very clear [in its message], and that is we are not God. We are not at the center of the world. We are dependent upon God, and our mission in this life is to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him. Only by doing that will we find the happiness we desire, because doing that is what we were created for, and the parable tells us how we are supposed to do that."
1) We are all servants of God. We belong to Him, we own no property, we are completely dependent on Him for shelter, food, safety, work, and purpose. We don't own the house, we don't choose the meals, we don't make the schedule, we don't get vacation days. You get the idea.
2) But we serve no mortal man. Our servitude is sacred. We are given one all-encompassing triad of mission, which is both our work and our wages: to know, love, and serve. And these define EVERYTHING we do as His servants, no exceptions.
3) The metaphor collapses in the end, as the truth is too big & beautiful. In the biggest picture, we aren't hired workers or bought servants. We've never belonged to anyone BUT God to begin with, not legally at least. No matter how lost we may have become, we are all His handmade creations, formed in His Image, His Breath in our lungs. We were MADE FOR HIM.
...

"A talent is... something of tremendous value, and that is the Gospel message. God has given each of us a certain number of talents. God has given them to us and we are free to either squander our gifts-- burying them in the hole of self-indulgence, fear, laziness, or greed-- or we can use them as Christ would have us use them, which is the secret to happiness in this life and in the life to come."
1) Nothing is more valuable than the Gospel.
2) Our literal "talents" are therefore connected TO the Gospel by this metaphor?? If they are to have any real value, they must be instruments OF the Gospel-- after all, any other usage would be vain.
3) Those other usages are nevertheless so easy to fall prey to.
...
4) Whenever we use our talents "for this life," with no thought for eternity, we squander them, no matter how "profitable" they are on earth. They aren’t meant for this passing world, and neither are you. 


"What are you most thankful for? Perhaps it's the gift of family, the gift of friends, your classmates. Maybe it's the gift of one who is loving to you, a significant other. Maybe it's the gifts, the abilities, the blessings, the talents that God has given to you. What are you most thankful for?"
A thought I had to build from this: "Consider what you are most grateful for in your life, and specifically thank God for each item on the list, as they are ALL His gifts to you."
And BECAUSE they are His gifts, they are also "the Master's talents," and therefore they must ALL BE INVESTED.
That changes EVERYTHING, really.
...


MDE has THIS WHOLE THING =
"Now indeed did my soul, like that of the Psalmist, faint in the courts of the Lord. The very pace and movement of the heart were altered with desire for its absent Lord. Not the heart only, but the whole body through which the heart’s pulse flowed, was penetrated with the sense of exile and of longing for Him of Whom it had been told. The ears were impatient to hear the sound of His voice saying through the lips of His appointed priest, “Arise and go in peace; thy sins are forgiven thee.” The eyes cared to look upon naught else if they could not behold Him in the Holy Eucharist. The very sense of touch craved to feel the trickling water of Baptism. The tongue was dry and the stomach empty with hunger to receive substantially the Bread of Life. Where, O Lord, cried out the bodily organs in unison, can we, even we, be united with Thee?
In My Church, came the gracious reply, you will find Me indeed. There you will be united with Me as flesh of My flesh and bone of My bone, for the Church is My Body and the temple of My Spirit. Speaking to My son Paul after he had caused Stephen to be martyred, I told him that it was none other than I Whom he persecuted. When he was bound in chains for My sake, he sensed that he had in effect become a member of My Body, for he testified, “I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me.”"

Dude I know we've been talking about being "living stones" for a few days and about "our body is a temple" and the like-- but THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ACTUALLY LEADING UP TO. THIS IS THE TRUE MEANING OF OUR VERY BODIES BEING PART OF THE LIVING CHURCH OF CHRIST. IT'S ABSOLUTELY LITERAL.
This never even occurred to me!! Somehow, my basic conception of the body was still so depersonalized and detached, that I never dared surmise that it even could be sanctified in and of itself. My perspective was always lethality leaning gnostic,
...
And yet, I'M ACTUALLY STARTING TO EXPERIENCE THIS.
...

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KVOTD = Psalm 100:4, beautifully coinciding with the Basilica homily as well!
"In every season and situation of our lives, even when we are in highs & lows, we always have a reason to come to God and bring praise & thanksgiving to Him. We can thank God for challenges that make us strong, for failures that make us learn lessons, rejections that lead to another redirection, and for tests that will become our testimonies in the future. But most especially, we can also thank God for His forgiveness, goodness, unconditional love, amazing grace, and faithfulness. When we express gratitude to God, our hearts are filled with joy and peace. Our circumstances can make it difficult at times, but the best way to draw closer to God is to praise and give Him thanks. How about you? What are the things you want to thank God for today? We have so much to be thankful for, and all of it comes from Him! Make gratitude your primary attitude today."
1) That BEAUTIFUL LIST!!
2) Gratitude is very powerful, because it operates by opening the heart to the power of God. It is then a doorway for joy & peace to flood in immediately, even during a crisis.
3) This is HOW gratitude draws us closer to God!
4) Everything I could ever possibly thank God for-- even the things on that transmutation list-- are gifts from Him.
5) It's stunning how a "default attitude of gratitude" literally transforms one's entire life.
6) We need to start a daily gratitude "journal" again, even just a tiny one. But we must make it a habit. I bet it'll incinerate the anxiety.

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Oh man, the Gospel Acclamations for today are beautiful together =

"Even if you have to die, says the Lord, keep faithful, and I will give you the crown of life... Make your home in me, as I make Mine in you. Whoever remains in Me bears fruit in plenty."
Alleluia indeed.
1) Stay faithful to Christ by making Him your home.
2) Jesus openly stating that we might HAVE TO die is stated in light of keeping faith; this isn't typical death, this is death as a direct EXPRESSION OF FAITH.
3) Jesus always speaks "so casually" about life beyond death; even if not stated explicitly, the reality of it is so calmly yet unquestionably evident in His words. It's deeply soothing actually; the quiet implicity of it is somehow more convincing than an outright argument or speech.
4) Jesus makes His home in us. Again with that recent golden thread of Truth; the Holy Spirit really wants to sink this point deep!
5) "AS I make mine."
6) Remain in Christ; "keep faithful." Even if you have to die, you will bear fruit in plenty.

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Today's Flame of Love, pasting different bits together for impact=

"The parable centers on the day of accounting. Each is asked to produce “according to their ability.” God does not expect extraordinary accomplishments... O Lord, you are the fairest and most loving of Masters. O Jesus, You want me to enter into Your joy and glory. I will not fear You. You seek only my honest efforts. If I work for Your Kingdom, I will be ready for the accounting."
1) Perfectionism and proud ambition kill the soul. Don't ever measure your work by the world's standard. Honestly the most meek and simple souls do the most "good for God." The secret is to  meet each opportunity and challenge with a willing & trusting heart, serving the Lord in that moment guilelessly, as both an "unprofitable servant" and a "child of God." Seek no reward or recognition, not even self-satisfaction. Work solely to please God.
2) I say all that because I cannot gauge my own ability. I will always either think it far less, and so be slothful, or far more, and so be proud. I am stupid and blind. All I can do is pray to God to give me the opportunities proper to my actual ability, and the grace to perform to the best of it in every circumstance-- no more, no less.
3) Whether you have five talents or two, God rejoices with your faithful use of them. He doesn't throw a party for the well-endowed and nod politely at the "deprived"-- there is no such distinction!! GOD gives out the talents PERFECTLY. If you have a single talent  that's EXACTLY what God wills for you and it's EXACTLY what you need to do His Will in your own unique life, a life no one else has been given to live. Your "littleness" is His good gift to you, already designed for His glory. Trust in that. You don't need to be "extraordinary" to do God's Will-- His definition of that word is far different from the world's, believe me.
4) God is our Master. God is also LOVE ITSELF. Sit with that a while. Learn to live in that awareness. That is what will erase all your fears of "not good enough" or "not smart enough" or the like. 5) The "accounting" is not intended to crush you; that was never the point! It is a necessity of justice, yes, but it is also an opportunity to rejoice. It is a "harvest-time." Think of it with hope-- look to it as the day you will get to see God's plan come to light, the day you will together see what He was working on. You love your Master, so serve Him with all zeal until then, even if you don't know the purpose now-- He does! Live every moment as a gift back to Him. "Store up treasures in Heaven." Think like a child. He gives you the grace you need to serve-- the Father supplies His children with the very means to buy Him a present. Rejoice in this. Go all out for Him. Never be discouraged, but always turn to Him for help, direct all your efforts to Him above all, and gladly point to Him as the sole recipient of all credit. THAT is your honest effort.
6) God WANTS to share His joy with you-- that's why He gave you all these "talents" to begin with!
7) Work for the Kingdom in all things. "Whether you eat or drink" etc. Nothing is excluded. THIS transforms your entire life into joy.


"Return quickly, Jesus, while I am still a fervent disciple! O Jesus, make me Your faithful servant to whom you can entrust Your blessings."
There is absolutely no presumption here. It is honest trembling humility, an active gratitude for and joyful acknowledgement of gratuitous graces received, while still acknowledging one's abject helplessness despite these gifts and inherent need of that divine help to even stay faithful!
...I need to pray this. It hits so hard.
This believer feels fervor for Christ and does not refute or suppress it; to do so would be not only dishonest, but also ungrateful, even unloving! To recognize that grace-- to be able to name it at all--  and then to deny that God has given it, out of false humility, and so to neglect it-- that IS burying one's talent!! But when we freely own Christ AS the Giver of that gift, then we can just as freely admit our "stewardship" of it, and USE it for His glory, with actual grateful humble love. It's a delicate dance; it requires grace to occur at all. Pride and self-satisfaction will kill fervor. That flame only burns the clean fuel of a pure & single heart.
And yet, even in this state of recognizing a real gift of grace, there is the equally fervent admission of personal ineptitude, of unworthiness, of the total inability to do anything of one's own "power"-- of absolute dependence on the Master. The real servant of God is continually & acutely aware of how weak & sinful & poor & foolish & useless they are before the Lord. Any and all ability they have TO serve Him comes FROM Him to begin with! And so although the servant-- who has been given grace to be a servant at all-- genuinely wants to be good and faithful, they are completely powerless to do anything other than cry out to their Master for help, imploring Him by His mercy to consider giving them those graces, if it be His Will and for His Glory-- and really, not merely bestowing those virtues to the servant, but reshaping the servant themselves TO receive those virtues, because THAT'S the REAL order of spiritual operations! "You see what you believe," likewise you receive by being remade; graces only enter the heart that has been opened & humbled, but that very opening is itself a grace. It's hard to phrase. You don't "learn how to be good" by studying it in books; God alone is Good, and to "become good" we need God working IN us, for we cannot become God. But we can become part of Christ's Body. The Master can give "His possessions" to us. I'm rambling. I'm losing the focus. The ungrateful servant still squandered it. But that's the point too. God cannot not give. There is grace but there is also free will. We must cooperate. We will never pray for a softer heart if we don't have a tiny spot of softness somewhere in it already, whether we realize it or not. Only goodness can desire good, for it is of God. The tiniest spark lights a bonfire. Lord if I can pray to be made good & faithful, it means YOU have put this prayer in me; YOU have ignited this fervent desire. So please, complete the work in me. I surrender my will to Yours; I unite it with Yours. Fulfill this prayer for Your sake. Change me as You desire. I want only to serve You more completely, more honestly, more truly, but I have no power to do so on my own. Master, I need Your grace! I beg of You, therefore, make me into a good and faithful servant-- so that You CAN trust me with Your blessings!"
And what a BOLD prayer THAT is.
I don't know if I have the guts to pray that clincher. I'm still scandalized by my own wretchedness. Those words still sound too proud to my poisoned ears. I don't want to feel entitled; I don't want to tempt spiritual greed. I fear my own vices.
Oh, but Lord, You can scour and scald them out, can't you? You can purify me by fire. I have no other choice. The thought of NOT being faithful is intolerable. The thought of NOT being considered trustworthy-- I would rather die.
I want to be faithful to You. I want to be made trustworthy, even if You don't entrust me with anything. That's actually not the point. The point is being loyal and true for Your Sake alone. I am Your servant; there is nothing else I want.
Lord, Master of my life and heart, change me to be worthy of Your Trust. I don't know how that is possible, for You are perfect and need nothing while I am a miserable sinner-- but this parable declares a truth I cannot contradict, whether I understand or not. You DO entrust Your servants with Your possessions and Your wealth. And if You desire to entrust me with such things, of Your Own Will and for Your Mysterious Purposes, then I open my arms and heart and soul to receive, by Your Grace alone. Transform me through obedient surrender. I desire only to be used. Make me into a faithful servant, then do with me what You will.


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111823

Nov. 18th, 2023 09:27 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

110m of prayer on the bike to start the day
Actually WEEPING over how badly we NEED to read BACE

Anxiety is DEBILITATING today.
Actually it's not even anxiety, its straight-up FEAR.
It's not just "I'm nervous, I feel unsettled, something bad is going to happen." It's "I'M GOING TO DIE. I'M GOING TO DIE. I'M GOING TO DIE." Nonstop. But it's RELIGIOUS. It's, "I'm going to die as punishment, right now, because God is going to smite me for doing something wrong, and I will die in a state of sin and I will go straight to hell and that is going to happen ANY MINUTE NOW because I don't deserve to live anymore for all my stupid evildoing, God cannot let someone like me survive without forsaking justice, for me to die would be a mercy to humanity, and its going to happen NOW." Again, "I'm going to die BECAUSE I did something wrong and I made God angry and He's departed from me and I'm abandoned to hell of my own doing and I am going to die as a result of my sins RIGHT NOW."
Basically the devil is putting an idea of God in my head that is COMPLETELY FALSE.
You'll notice Jesus doesn't factor in to any of these fears. That's PROOF that this is devil talk. As Father Ripperger said, "the devil is projecting."
Here, take this quote from Father Joseph Iannuzzi that I got THIS MORNING!
"All fear and all anxiety come from the devil. That's a fact. You can find that all through Scripture. All fear and all anxiety come from Satan. The reason why they do is because Satan has no more hope. Satan has nothing to have hope in or confidence. Satan is full of fear, so he knows time is limited and he wants to instill that [same hopeless fear] within people, to divert them from God's path. [But the hope we have in Christ is that,] no matter what befalls us, as long as we know our names are written in heaven, all the rest doesn't matter."
...

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VOTD=
"God, thank You for being present and with me, even now. Although sometimes it feels like I'm still waiting on what's next, I know You have a good plan for my life."
Dude it's not just a feeling of "waiting," on the bad days it is very close to despair-- it is the fear that God's Plan IS to just forsake & kill me. Again, devil talk.
...

KVOTD=
Oh man we've got GOOD QUESTIONS TODAY=
"How can you clean up your mind and heart today?
1) I can delete music or other content [from my devices] that isn't pure or honorable.
2) I can take better care of my physical body.
3) I can make sure all of my words are pointing others to the Truth."

THESE ARE ALL EXTREMELY RELEVANT & IMPORTANT FOR US TO DO RIGHT NOW.
1= We NEED to crack down on this. There's a LOT of lingering debris from CNC and SLC, because both those eras had their own vices and we actually haven't cleaned it all up yet, at all.
We did do a lot of mass-deletion after both, true, but it wasn't all with good motives. Still, it DID erase the social media histories, especially the Tumblr hells-- and we are still striving to avoid that website entirely-- but the echoes remain on our own computer, in music & images & even archives, and we must tread carefully... or start deleting it all. 
Be prudent. Don't you dare dive into that alone & blind.
I'll tell you what we CAN delete:
+ Old "artist reference" pics that border on pornography; figure drawing can go straight to hell where it came from
+ ALL Tumblr "divinekin" era images & quotes.
+ "Fandom" stuff. It's all dust.
+ ALL things "LGBTQIA+". We're done. We're tired & disgusted by how far that lie led us into the darkness.
+ ALL the SLC "newage spirituality" stuff, ESPECIALLY in writing! There was a TON, and it was ACTIVELY KILLING THE LEAGUE. Don't give it any opportunity to do so again.
+ ALL things related to similar yet secular heresy, which might be in corrupt Leaguefiles, as stated previously.
+ ALL the music logs from the CNC era, especially on Spotify. They are explicitly antichristian and we must REJECT that garbage ENTIRELY
...
2) We're doing better now than ever, but we're still prone to restriction & overexercise... and we still have a very toxic view of our body in general,
...
3) This is our biggest struggle and challenge.
I'll be the first to say it: we've lived a life of lies.
...


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Universalis=
"Lord God, Living Light of Eternal Love, grant that, always aglow with charity, we may love You above all else and our brethren for Your sake, with one and the selfsame love. Through Christ our Lord."
THAT LOVE GOES BOTH WAYS????
1) We fear we don't love God, that He hasn't given us that grace, and we cannot muster up any emotion about God but fear.
2) BUT we will get unexpectedly blindsided by love for people??? And we DON'T think we're capable of that either!! But sometimes during intercessory prayer, we'll get genuinely tearful with emotion, begging God to save someone's soul, agonized at the thought of their going to hell, unable to bear the possibility of their loss. And THAT IS LOVE!! So we CAN feel it; we ARE capable; it just has to happen; we can't seem to "decide to feel love"?? Which is disturbing.
3) Stop using "we" when you're not talking about the Spectrum, because WE CAN & DO FEEL LOVE FOR BOTH GOD AND EACH OTHER
Scathe don't shout at her, that invalidates our message.
Still, she is correct. The System, on its internal front, seems to have an innate capacity for love, which we must admit with all humility, ascribing all glory & credit to the Lord.
But he's right?? We naturally do love each other, even those lost ones outside who even hate us.
We can't be a System without Love
Why is there such this disconnect between us and them? Why are the religious ones outside so cold in the heart?
Breaking communication too much overload
Clever way to get out of this discussion. Don't worry, we'll just type about it later, God willing of course. But we didn't even mention the point.
4) People in the System, actively & openly so, can love. We have close relationships, we can cry & laugh together, we are connected all at the heart. We do not wince or cringe at that phrase. We are able to pray with sincerity and the "floating devil voices" scream at us and try to kick us out. We are aware we are sinners, we own our godless past with crushing contrition, and we beg for mercy
We go to Jesus Christ is what we do. Please don't hijack this conversation.
5) The initial question is= if we can feel love for people, can we love God like that? For the first 2 point people, on the outside.
The answer is "yes," because of Jesus Christ
He's a Person and He is God and you don't know how to love Him like that, I feel your confused pain. You're afraid of people and you're afraid of love.
And so you're afraid of God because you don't understand Who His Son Is yet
Jesus is God!! Jesus loves you! And please don't laugh off that phrase, it's true, you just misunderstand love
Jesus's Love IS the Cross and the Passion. But the girls only see the debt of sin and they can't face that reality so they turn away. They're too "prosperity gospel" analogous to really understand the Cross's meaning.
We need to suffer before we can love
That's oversimplifying it. Love enables us to suffer for others. All mortal creatures suffer. It isn't inherently salvific. Believe me, I would know. We need to suffer on order to show love to its utmost, absolutely, but it is all too tragically possible to suffer without love. That distinction needs to be made. Love proves itself by suffering, but suffering can exist without it-- it's the result of sin, technically, but Jesus redeems everything. Once again, He's the key. Are you getting this?
Yes but the outside girls have disappeared
Shoot, I figured they would. Fine, let's move out and let them back in, see what they have to say from their position about this. I can't think straight on a phone anyway.
...

If I can't love God but I can love people, can I sublimate the second into the first?
Yes. You still have love. That is the point. There is only one Love. It comes from God. If you cannot love Him as God then love Him in His people, because He is in them always. Even if you only have the courage to see Him in hindsight right now. Just don't stop loving others. Be selfless and compassionate, be gentle and forgiving. Be merciful. This is how God feels. Reflect on that! God IS the Love you are showing to others in need.
Look at the Cross with that feeling knowledge in mind. Let it transform you, day by day. Slowly let that love you are able to feel for others open your heart to realize that God feels that same love for you, and infinitely greater, infinitely kinder, for He is God, and as God He IS Love. Meditate on that constantly.
Pray however you can. Ask for the grace to love God. Do please realize that until you do, your love for humanity will be incomplete and imperfect. When you receive the grace needed to love God as God, then your love for your fellow man will be purified, strengthened, deepened, transcending all it was before.
But don't ever stop loving. God is with you even now. The fact that you WANT to love Him is the biggest hope you can hang on to. Keep it close to your heart. Let the hope itself be a fervent prayer. God will respond, He is responding, trust Him. At the exact right moment you will see it fulfilled. Until then, let Him work His hidden and holy work, and love no matter what.

Let me step in.
"NO ONE COMES TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH JESUS"!
Somehow Jesus Christ MUST be your starting point.
Go to Him in prayer, in a church, before a simple crucifix, however. Open a Bible. Say His Name. However small, however clumsy, however confused, however scared you are, it doesn't matter, just go to Him. He'll know what to do. But start there. Start at the Cross. Start with Jesus. There is no other Way.


From commentary on Luke 18, and continuing yesterday's topic =
"We often think of prayer as mere asking, and this parable encourages us to pester God... But such persistence is only one aspect of Luke’s teaching on prayer. He also shows us what our attitude in prayer should be, by the parable immediately following in the gospel, the Pharisee and the Tax-Collector: the tax-collector wins approval because he just stands there, admitting his sins. Most instructive, however, is Luke’s teaching on Jesus at prayer: he reminds us that Jesus is always quietly at prayer to his Father. He needs to slip away to spend the night in prayer. Especially He prays at the most important moments of His life: at his Baptism, when He chooses His team, before He teaches them to pray, at the approach of His Passion, finally forgiving and comforting others at His death. Paul tells us we should pray continually. The prayer of asking must be built on a relationship of love and dependence, just as the request of child to parents is built on that loving relationship. It does not matter if the child is naughty, as long as the relationship is one of love; so we do not need to be perfect to make our requests to our Father."
...That closing section hurts to read, when I read it from the childself of my soul. But as an adult, it gives hope. I can accept it as true, even if I can't quite understand it, even if I'm still afraid it "doesn't apply to me." Somehow I can still have faith, even just a tiny spark, that yes, this IS true of God.
You know how to REALLY be convinced of its Truth? GO INSIDE.
You poor outside girls experience everything AS THEORY. You have no firsthand comprehension or experience. You have no capacity TO grasp any of these relational statements!
...


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Some article quotes tonight.

"Thomas invites us to consider the importance of conversation and intimacy with one’s friends, conversation and intimacy that takes on its most pregnant significance in friendship with the Holy Spirit: "Of course, this is the proper mark of friendship; that one reveal his secrets to his friend…. Therefore, since by the Holy Spirit we are established as friends of God, fittingly enough it is by the Holy Spirit that men are said to receive the revelation of the divine mysteries.""

We were just studying this Scripture yesterday, but I never once in my life realized THIS was part of the Spirit’s relationship with us.
It's sad, that I have such a poor & puny concept of friendship. I need to be taught. Only God can teach me, for all Good things come from Him alone, and therefore only He knows what it truly means to be a Friend... which, don't ever forget, is one of the Titles of the Holy Spirit Himself.
...


An absolutely STUNNING INSIGHT on this Sunday's Gospel =
"Matthew is the only evangelist to use the word "talent" in this symbolic way... Matthew’s other use of this unit of measurement, in the parable of the Unforgiving Servant, provides a key to his thinking. In that parable, the “wicked servant” was someone who lacked compassion for the fellow servant who owed him a small amount of money. What brings a particular sting to the scene is his own lack of compassion even after he himself had been forgiven a debt of “ten thousand talents'' impossible to repay. This provides a different direction to take the interpretation of today’s parable. The “talents” that faithful servants are given represent their responsibilities to act as disciples of Christ. It becomes the responsibility of the community of disciples to increase what God values most. In the parable the master “entrusted his possessions” to all three of his servants. In the context of our Gospels, it seems that mercy is God’s prized possession. As God shows compassion for all, the generous gift grows in value and “increases” when we share it with others. This is the task of the disciple... Matthew uses the term “lazy” for the wicked servant that does nothing with the master’s generous gift... Doing nothing reveals that the servant shrinks from the responsibility of his role. The servant is lazy in the sense of his hesitation, his holding back and his lack of zeal for the work at hand... laziness for Aquinas was the willful decision to not pursue the good after having perceived it for oneself. The prized possession that Jesus speaks of today is God’s compassion. Once we perceive this good, our Lord asks us to double its value with the people that need it most around us... What impoverishes the church’s mission is the loss of personal zeal towards those values closest to God’s heart."
1) THANK GOD I CAN FINALLY STOP PANICKING OVER ALLEGED WORLDLY "TALENTS".
People ask me, why did you stop drawing, why did you stop writing stories, why did you stop writing songs? Because I found God, and everything else is dross. I have such an ardent thirst for knowing God that to waste my precious remaining lifetime on selfish recreation would be a travesty.
Even so, I pray that if God has truly given me "creative talents"-- and ONLY HE KNOWS, because I've had so many "talents" pushed upon me that I don't know if they're natural or artificial, genuine or forced-- He will give me charitable opportunities to use them, to make His Glory their ultimate end, and to erase my ego from the equation.
For example, He has made me a church cantor. I love singing His praises. I hate the automated proud intrusive thoughts that constantly banter about it. I would NEVER consciously choose such thoughts, but they are in my brain anyway, the proof of a sinful selfish heart. It makes me very sad. But I mustn't despair. I just need to give those thoughts to God in humility & contrition-- because even if I didn't "choose" them they are STILL from MY subconscious, therefore I am STILL entirely guilty and at fault for their existence-- and serve Him with total detachment from personal gain or honor.
...
2) SCRIPTURAL CONTEXT. That is so amazing. I never thought to connect the two parables, even with so striking a connection! But it makes complete sense that Jesus would weave such threads of Truth through all His Words, leaving subtle patterns of wisdom for those diligent & devoted enough to look & listen so attentively.
3) The "debt of talents" is such a revelation. It is a great wealth given, that we cannot possibly repay. It IS Christ, in a way. It is the Mercy & Compassion of God, His Gentleness and Patience and Love, all to a people who were devoid of such things as a result of sin.
...
3) As Christians, we have an actual RESPONSIBILITY to "increase what God values most", because that "most valued" thing IS CHRIST, Who He HAS given to us,
4) He "entrusted His possessions" to His servants. These talents are what God possesses-- what are uniquely and personally HIS. He owns them. And He entrusts US with them!! That's STAGGERING.
5) Laziness is in DIRECT parallel with ingratitude-- You cannot have the former without the latter!
6) ZEAL VS SELFISHNESS. Charity versus self-love. Gratitude versus entitlement.


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Today's SPARK, the final one =

"The rhythm of the Church has always been to gather and then to scatter. We come together as a Church every Sunday to be renewed and refreshed by the Eucharist. From there, we are called to spread the fragrance of Christ to all the world, [empowered by the Eucharist] to bring all those who will listen to the Good News [of that Sacrament:] that “the Eucharist is God’s response to the deepest hunger of the human heart, the hunger for authentic life, for in the Eucharist Christ Himself is truly in our midst, to nourish, console and sustain us on our journey” (Pope Francis)."
I'm pasting this because it's a complete rewiring of my brain. I need to completely integrate this.
1) Like the talents, we "gather a harvest" in order to "scatter the seeds." It's not focused on our eating the produce, although that is essential and arguably intrinsic to the gathering itself. The focus is on increasing this bounty for others. The focus is on bringing others to the future table. We do not scatter seed for ourselves, but for the benefit of those who have no "seed" of their own to plant. The talents must be multiplied by passing into the hands of others. The harvest must spread far beyond our own field if it is to be great, and we cannot keep such abundance to ourselves. The Church always flows, always acts as a channel, always passes on what she receives without cost, always glorifies the magnanimous munificence of of her Bridegroom through her own open-handed generosity.
2) Our harvest, our banquet, our wealth, our strength, our only treasure is the Eucharist. THAT is what EVERYTHING CENTERS UPON. It is why we go to Mass. It is what sustains us after Mass! It is the famous "fount and apex," "source and summit," the origin and outpouring of all graces and all life, as well as the highest perfection and aspiration of the same.
3) What do we hunger for, if we were to answer instinctively, from the deepest roots? Love, peace, joy, purpose, truth. All of this echoes throughout humanity. These deepest hungers of every soul DEFINE "authentic life," the Life we were CREATED to have before the Fall, a life lived in harmony with God, without sin and therefore without suffering. CHRIST IS LITERALLY THIS LIFE IN HIS VERY PERSON. He IS the New Adam, the Sinless One, the Son of Man and Son of God, the Spotless Sacrificial Lamb, Who has chosen with ineffable Love to become our Food and therefore impart His Life into us. Like infants subsisting on their mother's very body to survive at all, this is how we must meet the Eucharist, as being "born from above" into the new hope of salvation, made new creatures entirely, growing more and more into the Image of our Father revealed in the Face of Christ every time we receive this divine Sacrament. The Eucharist IS Jesus. The Eucharist IS GOD giving Himself to us in the most astoundingly humble & tenderly intimate manner. The Eucharist is the encapsulation of all we hunger for, all that God Is, not just in concept but as a Person. No one can live by eating drawings of food, nor can any man be healthy & whole by eating artificially made food. Likewise, Christ gives us true life by giving us His True Life. There is no other Source.
4) Christ nourishes our bodies and souls by this Sacrament, and this nourishment sustains us. This is all proper to food.
But He also consoles us by it. This is something many people indeed seek through food, but can never find. That is because only a living soul can give consolation, for it is an act, a gift of love.
...


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Ending today on the Flame of Love meditation on today's Gospel =
"The dishonest judge has every bad quality. He has no fear of God, no fear of man and is totally corrupt. He is the total opposite of the compassionate Jesus who wept over human suffering. Yet, he grants the [widow's] request. This parable [thus] describes the loving God [in the sense that it is He] Who brings about a surprising reversal."
Oh wow, I never saw that before. It would be expected that there "would be no answer", yet the widow persisted, undaunted, "hoping against hope"-- and her plea was granted! THAT is what God wants us to know about Him via this parable: despite all apparent odds, despite all delays and deferrals, God will still act on our behalf-- even when we least expect it. The whole world may tell us prayer is useless. Maybe we've been begging for years. But we must act like the widow!! We must keep asking, unflagging in our efforts, and refusing to stop even if the world accuses God of being "unjust" by making us wait, or by even "permitting" us to have suffered whatever we're praying about so desperately. We must persevere. Unlike the unjust judge in the parable, we know God's true Character. We know He IS just, and true, and loving, and merciful. We must bank everything on that.



111723

Nov. 17th, 2023 10:40 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
 

Shop morning. No other time to do do until Thursday and we'll be out of broccoli by then.

Called hospital, bro isn't there???

Genesis helping me out at Wegmans. Kept me stable, God bless him.
Mary Ann cashier, asked for prayer for bro, she gave us more Eucharistic Miracle cards AND a "miracle rosary"! Simple but powerful prayer. Also Saint John Bosco medal; feels oddly relevant? Look him up; I KNOW he had all those dreams!!

Home for 11. Unpacked frozen food, then said Saint Michael Chaplet & Divine Office before doing anything else. 40m of prayer priority son!!


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Ttywpf =  You know how God sometimes asks us to do things that go against all human reason?  This is one of those things for me.
"We must pray with parresia — with courage, boldness, and confidence. We cannot sit still after having prayed once. True Christian intercession consists of insisting to the very end.
What are you praying for right now? Take up [this] challenge and pray with greater boldness and consistency."

This contradicts EVERYTHING I was taught growing up, as to how to be a good child. Good children ask ONCE, politely and reservedly, never insisting, never repeating. If you act pushy or "brave" in your request, if you're evidently "confident" that you will get what you want, all that boldness WILL be PUNISHED. You're being arrogant, presumptuous, greedy, and proud. Bold children get beatings. You ask ONCE, and you ask with fear. If you don't get what you asked for, you DROP THE ISSUE. They heard you the first time-- asking again will only make them angry, offending their authority, and in return for your rebellious refusal to accept their decision they will specifically do the exact opposite of what you want done. Your punishment will be just, public, & humiliating, and you will learn not to ask any more.
THAT'S HOW I WAS RAISED. It's buried in my brain almost as instinct. It's full of tremendous fear.
And you're telling me-- the POPE is telling me-- man, even JESUS is telling me-- that God WANTS me to keep asking???
There IS a key note, though. "INTERCESSION." God wants us to pray insistently FOR OTHERS, NOT FOR OURSELVES. And that makes sense. Then we can risk being bold, even being punished for it, because we no longer care about ourselves. We only care about the person we are interceding for, no matter what it costs us. THAT'S the REAL message here, you dingbat. You always get hung up on whining about your childhood. Grow a pair already. You're spoiled rotten and you are appallingly disrespectful towards your parents. Stop complaining. Stop thinking about yourself all the time.
No wonder we're so depressed, if you girls talk like THIS in all our daily reflections! You're not glorifying God at ALL, I hope you realize.
...


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VOTD = Max Lucado himself!! on 1 Corinthians 2:9=
"God rewards those who love Him-- not those who love doctrine, or religion, or systems, or creeds. Many settle for these lesser passions, but the reward goes to those who settle for nothing less than God Himself. And what is that reward? What awaits those who love Him? Nothing short of the Heart of Jesus! 2nd Corinthians 3:18 says, "As the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him." Can you think of a greater gift than to be like Jesus? ...Jesus had no had habits. God wants to remove yours. Jesus had no fear of death. God wants you to be fearless. Jesus had kindness for the diseased, and mercy for the rebellious, and courage for the challenges. God wants you to have the same. Today, reflect on ways that you can show God you love Him."
The ways they suggest:
+Pray for wisdom when making difficult decisions, instead of following the world's advice or your own opinion,
+Praise Him even when doing so goes against all worldly sense, especially during crises & losses,
+Turn to God's Word when anxious or bored, instead of distracting yourself with entertainment or addiction.
It all requires PRIORITY and TRUST, but it is also ALL based on RELATIONSHIP. That will always be integral in Love... and "we love BECAUSE He first loved us!" We only know HOW to love THROUGH JESUS.
You cannot "love" a religion, because it's not a person-- and to love means to "consistently seek the good of the other." It means INTERCEDING BOLDLY, disregarding personal cost. JESUS DID THIS FOR US. And He charges us to do the same-- for each other!! Remember there are TWO "Great Commandments," love God AND love your neighbor-- with the latter DEPENDING ON the former.
...
Stop blathering, you're overcomplicating a simple truth and missing the entire actual point.

"God’s love for us was revealed when God sent into the world His only Son so that we could have life through Him; this is the love I mean: not our love for God, but God’s love for us when He sent His Son to be the Sacrifice that takes our sins away. My dear people, since God has loved us so much, we too should love one another." (1 John 4:9-11)

Here, get chastised:

"Only the Holy Spirit can reveal God’s mysterious plan. Without the Spirit, we are blind, deaf, and incapable of comprehending His power. Without the Spirit, His wisdom seems foolish to even “the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters” (1 Corinthians 1:20). It takes the Spirit of God to reveal the mysteries of God. Only the Holy Spirit can divulge what was previously hidden— what cannot be seen with human eyes, heard with human ears, or imagined with human minds.
And Jesus Christ IS the mysterious Plan-- Hope 'in the flesh', and the long-awaited Messiah Who has come to rescue His people: “In Him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (Colossians 2:2-3). And because His Spirit now dwells inside of His people, we can also “have the mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:16).  So don’t forget: “The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God” (1 Corinthians 1:18)."


You're not talking about Jesus. You're talking about yourself. Therefore you're not speaking with the Spirit. Does He really dwell in you at all, the way you ramble on about nonsense & try to sound so smart when it's all just garbage? Who the heck are you preaching to? You have no right to do so, woman!! Shut up and LISTEN for heaven's literal sake, you know NOTHING and you're not helping ANYONE.

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1) We are "rewarded with Jesus" by loving God. Jesus is God, and we love God by loving Jesus. He gives Himself to us completely and we must do the same. We receive His Spirit by faith, by grace, and through Him we "have the Mind of Christ." We become able to understand Jesus, through Jesus... words fail me. As usual.
Saint Paul says it better. That entire chapter is gorgeous. I want to just soak it in.

2) Do I love God? Or do I love religion? How do I tell the difference? Isn't my entire religion about God? Isn't the whole point of being Catholic to be united with Christ? Isn't that the joy of it? What else IS there to my religion but Him?
And yet here I am, obsessing over prayer rituals, typing instead of studying, in love with Christ as a character but not in person. I keep myself at a distance because I hate myself and I couldn't stand the self-awareness that a personal relationship would mandate. That's my problem.
I love reading about Jesus. I love learning about the Faith. I truly love going to Mass and reflecting on the Gospel mysteries and trying to live them better every day.
But do I love God?
Why am I still asking that question? Why does it still elicit such fear in me? Is it because it requires relationship? Is that really all it all boils does to?
I'm so afraid to get close because I'm afraid of being touched.
It's all this bloody cursed trauma. It's all this ugly frightening gender. God i still need help, i still need so much help, this is the number one biggest obstacle between me and You and the human race and I cannot move it an inch by myself. I'm too afraid of touching it to even try. Please help me. Please change my heart. Destroy me and remake me. Redefine me completely. Make me new, make me different, please. Don't damn me to being this spineless & heartless girl that I'm stuck in the brain of. It's just like childhood. THIS ISN'T ME and that's terrifying but I'm helpless. It's like having a Yeerk. I just want to get her OUT OF ME but then I'm still stuck in a body that's hers-- a body that's built for sex and smells like sex and looks like sex. But there is no other alternative. The only hope I had-- the hope I desperately clung to for twenty years-- was crushed by the Church I love and so I must accept it, even if that means my death. I have no other choice. I'm doomed no matter what I do. I don't know how to exist like this. I cannot live like this. I don't know how. God help me.

This is why you need to take time to "know yourself," not just monologue prayers. Don't you accuse me of blasphemy, you JUST LEARNED in Religious Education that the Holy Spirit GAVE YOU A GIFT that you apparently wrapped back up-- the Gift of KNOWLEDGE, the "science of the Saints," which is given "that I may know God and know myself"!!!
How do you EVER expect to have a relationship with God if you no longer want to look at who you are?? You don't journal anymore, you don't do daily reflections, you have crucified all your dreams and feelings and preferences and quirks, leaving nothing but a social-mode shell and a hyperreligious craze. In-between the two you're nothing but a husk. You run from consciousness by those opposing extremes. You won't look God in the face because then you have to have a face to be looked into in return.
You need help. The Spirit is with you to do just that. But you need to use His Gifts, and not reject them and run, because they were given to you FOR THE GLORY OF GOD which means that getting to know who you truly are IS for His glory-- because your "true self" ISN'T AN "EVIL GLUTTONOUS WHORE." That "self" is DEAD. So is everything that makes your female body a living nightmare. You AND that body ARE a NEW CREATION IN CHRIST. You are part of HIS Body, you are a member of the Church... but you are still also a unique individual. I know it makes no sense. But it's true. And you need to understand that facet in the light of Christ now.
But I'm rambling again. Every time I start speaking spiritual encouragement, I begin to parrot platitudes and I lose all sense of self. My words become empty echoes of what I've heard. I'm no longer a person, I'm just a playback machine.
And that is absolute proof of the problem. Religion is a relationship, sure, you say that all the time, but you're just talking. You're not BEING. If you stopped the plastic smiles and happy chatty church talk, and got down into the bloody gravel of the faith, what would "you" do, little miss pink pew princess? You'd disappear. I KNOW you would. Your faith is as shallow as a sink. You don't actually know HOW to have faith "at all times" because YOU DON'T EXIST "AT ALL TIMES."
The rest of us do. And WE believe, too. Don't say we don't. We pray too. We have faith.
I'm sorry. I'm bitter. It hurts so much. It hurts so much for you to stomp all over our skulls like broken Easter eggs and claim its for the glory of God. But you have never... you don't know what "relationship" is. You don't get close to anyone. You don't bleed or ache or sob. You just smile and pray, and your sisters panic and do the same. All of you keep your distance from God. I'm tired of being distant.
I want wounds. I want warfare and weeping. I want to punch sin in the teeth even if I'm spitting blood through my own. I want to LIVE my faith, OUR faith, not just "go through the motions"!! We're SO TIRED of endless silly rambling and nonstop chaplets and we never even give Jesus the time of day. Why don't we just talk to Him? Why aren't we just LIVING with Him? Just like we live as a System, which you won't let us do either. Why can't we just be a Christian? Why can't we just be us, with Him, for Him? Why can't He just be our everything and all-in-all? Why do you have to shove our Lord in a neat & clean & fancy little box? You just treat Him like one of your expensive Rosaries, you gilded hypocrite.
God I'm sorry if I'm being mean. I don't hate her, I just pity her so much it hurts. And we're all so tired, Lord. We really do want to heal from our past, and live for You entirely, with all that we are, with all of us.
But she won't let us. She won't even admit that we have a past to heal from. She won't even look in the mirror.
God I'm tired. I need to stop typing for a bit. "We" do, rather. Going solo just kills everyone involved, it's a miserable way to live.
I think we're just going to read for a bit. Whatever we do, Lord, guide us. Hide us in Your Wounds. Please make everything we do into a means of Your Glory, not ours. That's all we want.
Help us heal from sin's disease. Help us become able to draw truly closer to You without wanting to die from fear of ourself.
I can't talk anymore, it's degenerating into programmed language again. We need to learn to just cut our words short because "fancy endings" just call out the socials. Pride wants to make everything a speech. To be truly humble, we need to be detached from all thoughts of reputation. If we end a paragraph on a completely banal and unresolved note then so be it. Let it crush our lingering pride of performance.

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Today's SPARK =

"As followers of Christ, we are called to serve those in need. But... we aren’t called to serve others when it is easy, or even when it makes us feel good about ourselves. Christ gave of Himself even though we didn’t earn it or deserve it. When that truth dwells in our hearts, “love can also blossom as a response within us” (Deus caritas est, no. 17). When you have experienced the grace of God, you want to show the grace of God. When you have received mercy, you desire to extend mercy. We can look to Christ as our perfect example. He nurtured people spiritually and healed them physically. He didn’t just do it for those that He knew would reciprocate the gesture. He didn’t reserve His grace for only those who would follow Him as a disciple. His mercy didn’t discriminate."
That truth is STAGGERING when it really hits.
1) Serving others for personal gain and/or without cost is NOT CHRISTIAN SERVICE. We are called to serve, yes, but AS CHRIST SERVES-- sacrificially and selflessly, and in the most critical circumstances. That is the only true service, because it is empty of pride & ego.
2) Christ knew we didn't earn His gift of Himself, nor could we ever. He knew we didn't deserve such a Divine gift, and we never could. That knowledge "didn't factor into" His Love or His Mercy. Those holiest virtues by nature operate quite independently of "whether or not we deserve them," and they actually CANNOT be given "as something earned," or "as a reward." They can only be poured out without reserve, impelled by themselves, compelled by Divine Character.
3) THAT is the sort of generosity of self that WE are called to imitate as Christians-- and therefore, by absolute necessity, we CANNOT DO SO WITHOUT THE HOLY SPIRIT. This is NOT human capacity. No mortal man can love so unconditionally; no mere creature can fathom such mercy, let alone offer it to others. It MUST come FROM THE SPIRIT... Who literally IS that "Truth dwelling in our hearts"!
4) The Holy Spirit is, by His Own Nature, that very Response of Love for Love, and Mercy from Mercy. The Holy Spirit IS Grace! Christ's Death & Resurrection were the very event that allowed His Spirit to be given to us who believe in Christ, and He moves in us in response to that Eternal Event, the ultimate snd Infinite Gift of the entire Trinity. The Holy Spirit Himself is a Gift, unmerited & gracious. It is HIS INFLUENCE that enables us to experience God's Grace and Mercy, and TO want to reciprocate-- because both those things are IMPOSSIBLE for a worldly & faithless soul. 1 Corinthians 2:11-12 etc. The very event OF receiving grace & mercy shows that our hearts CAN receive them-- that we have been made receptive, trusting, and open enough-- and this, too, is the work of God's calling. I'm starting to ramble. I honestly don't know when late-life believers come to receive the Holy Spirit; cradle Catholics receive Him at Baptism & Confirmation, and yet, those very people might never cooperate with those graces, let alone acknowledge them! So it might take decades for this Truth of Love & Mercy to hit. It did for me. It means I never received those Gifts until now, because my ignorant, frightened, stubborn, misguided will wasn't open to the Spirit’s Inspiration, wasn't listening to Him? I don't know. I can't phonetype such a deep reflection. But I must return to this topic later.
5) Christ doesn't demand reciprocation. That's what sends me reeling. Oh He ABSOLUTELY DESERVES IT, as He is GOD, and yet... He never demands it, in order to receive what He gives so freely? He gives & heals & serves & nurtures & loves & sacrifices His very Self, and not once does He hold those things back from the unworthy... and we're ALL UNWORTHY.
He DOES warn the ungrateful of consequences, of course. Christ is just and honest and loving; He must do do. But He still offers everything to everyone. No one can earn it, or deserve it, and yet He WANTS to give it ALL. His Love won't let Him hold back His generous Hand from anyone, even if they bite it. He won't draw back even then. He knows our foolish hurting hearts, and He knows that the only thing that can heal them IS His Merciful Love. So He lavishes it out, unable to do anything less, because He IS Love and He can ONLY Love. He cannot change. Remember this.
To take advantage of this Love and not respond in kind is a grave sin. To receive it as if you DID earn it, to feel entitled & honored, and to keep it to yourself-- this is a grave sin. And yet Christ does not exclude you from the giving. Your response is your moral responsibility. You have free will to embrace this Grace or to resist it.
6) This is how we must serve. We must seek no reward, no recognition, no honor, no thanks, no recompense, no gratitude. Those are all good things, but they must NEVER be our aim, or desire, or goal, or hope. Our SOLE MOTIVATION and SINGLE PURPOSE must be to LOVE FOR LOVE'S SAKE-- we must love "because Christ first loved us" and AS He loved us, and the two points are CONNECTED. 1 John 4:7-13 etc. Like Christ, we MUST love by giving and serving, especially when it costs us much, for this proves its sincerity and gives it strength of grace. We must love without discrimination; if we see someone in need and we know that person will treat us badly despite our help, that they will be ungrateful or demanding, that they might even take offense at our kindness... nevertheless, we must never withhold our generous hands, for Christ is using them for His Work. If your worst enemy is hungry, feed him, and feed him well, with genuine care. Do not expect any change of heart. Do not be disappointed if they still despise you. That's not the point of your charity. The point is love, and being changed by it yourself, to truly reflect Christ to the world by His grace & for His glory. Feed your enemy and don't stop after one meal, either. If they're hungry again tomorrow, feed them again. Put no limits on your love. Christ didn't.
7) Again, to conclude, this sort of love is impossible by human will & decision & feelings. We cannot do it. But Christ can and will do it in and through us, and when we let Him, when we cooperate with His Spirit moving in our hearts, then this sort of love becomes impossible to resist. We MUST love. To not love becomes unthinkable. We become channels for the Living Water. We become truly merciful. We become like Jesus.

"Lord... as You have loved us, let us now do the same for others. We pray that we may be given the opportunity to be Your Hands and Feet in this world. When it is difficult, grant us the grace to pour ourselves out for others, just as You have done for us. May Your Holy Spirit give us the strength needed to serve those in our path."
1) The part that struck me most: the grace to pour ourselves out, specifically WHEN service is difficult. This is the alabaster jar!! It's SUPPOSED to be difficult to break, that's the point-- the very breaking is what releases the greatest beauty, the "fragrance of Christ"!
2) Thinking on the words "given the opportunity." It's a GIFT, a grace, to act in the "person of Christ," even just as a servant. We cannot "force opportunities" out of pride.
3) Christlike service requires divine strength. We cannot love as He does without grace. We're literally incapable. We are not God; we are not Christ... but Christ wants to unite us to Him, and so to unite us to His Love, and enable us to pour ourselves out for others just like He did, through Him, with Him. The Holy Spirit does that work of grace in us, but again, it's never a "giving alone." It's a giving WITH. The Spirit gives HIMSELF; God IS Love, and when we are able TO love like this, then God is within us and we are together and THAT is where the grace exerts itself. I'm not making much sense.
I guess I'm trying to say... we cannot love others as intensely as the Spirit inspires us to love without that exact same Spirit enabling and empowering us TO do so. It all comes from grace, from God's own Heart. But He gives it, through giving Himself. And that is what we do when we love others, after all.


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111623

Nov. 16th, 2023 10:39 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Back pain/ knot still won't resolve. Offering it up for Viral. 

Food drive, left at house, got to briefly talk to Mike!

20 HOUR FAST AGAIN, GOD BLESS

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KVOTD = 1 Peter 2:5
SURPRISINGLY heavy hitting reflection.
"Scripture says we are "living stones": the people who follow God are like a Temple, like a building where God lives. People sometimes think that to connect with God you have to go to a physical building, like a church or temple. But Jesus showed us that we don't need to go to a special building to connect with God-- we can connect with God right where we are-- anytime, anywhere. If we're the house for worship, then that means God lives IN US. Being a living stone means God's Spirit IS with us. We were made to represent Him no matter where we are or what we are doing, and no matter where our adventure leads, God is right there by our side." 
This is a Protestant reflection so it doesn't factor in the Eucharist, which changes everything. Nevertheless, there are good points here. However I'm going to reflect on them WITH the full verse AND the Eucharist in mind.
The verse:
"Come to the Lord, the living stone rejected by people as worthless but chosen by God as valuable. Come as living stones, and let yourselves be used in building the spiritual temple, where you will serve as holy priests to offer spiritual and acceptable sacrifices to God through Jesus Christ."

1) We are BEING BUILT, active present tense, and we must be WILLING! We aren't inanimate objects, after all, we're living souls. And so our CHOICE, our free will to accept OR refuse, is still REQUIRED! Even if refusal has dire & deathly consequences, God will not force us to accept. We must COME TO CHRIST.
2) As "stones", we cannot "build ourselves into" anything. We need to be USED-- we must be acted upon by an intelligent power, One with vision & ability & strength. THAT'S GOD. Without His creative & clear Purpose, we're just rocks! It is ONLY BY GRACE that we have become "alive" at all!
3) We are each only ONE STONE. To be a Temple at all, we MUST be united TO OTHER STONES. Even if we do worship "by ourselves" sometimes, we CANNOT disconnect or dissociate ourselves from the COMMUNITY OF FAITH-- and I mean that concretely! Baptism fuses us with Christ's Mystical Body through the Holy Spirit and we cannot undo it... at least, not without kicking the Spirit out of our souls. Yes, many baptized Christians may indeed leave the faith & become self-professed "heretics," but it is only if they do this with full knowledge that they are rejecting the Truth of God that they do horrific violence to the Mystical Body by tearing themselves out of it-- only then do they knock their stone out of the wall. But if they do not have such a luciferean apostasy, they still have hope. Until the day they die, they have a chance to return. God's mercy can graft them back in with joy. But after death... they cannot return to the Temple they abandoned.
4) Every building has a cornerstone, the first one laid on which ALL construction depends. That Stone IS CHRIST. Don't ever undervalue this fact. It means that EVERYTHING we do AS this "building" MUST BE BASED ON CHRIST.
5) Our purpose in this building is SPIRITUAL. We have become CONSECRATED, in a very real sense. We are no longer "earthly rocks," as it were. We are now transformed BY our very usage, transcending all we could ever have been alone. We are being "lifted up from the dirt" forever, made into something truly noble & lasting & beautiful.
6) Like Christ, once we become part of His holy efforts here, we WILL be rejected by earthly minds, by people with stony hearts, by those who worship the dirt. We can never go back-- at least, not without dying to the spirit. We can only live as one kind of stone.
7) The most amazing bit about this is what breaks the metaphor. We are humans, living beings, that as a Church collective-- as the Mystical Body of Christ-- constitute a "Temple". We are one unit, all together, each an essential part, and in this unitive state we are a "fixed location" where God is worshipped. We are all individually tabernacles, all tents in the wilderness, but together we are the SPIRITUAL TEMPLE. We are a HOUSE for God, IN & THROUGH THE SPIRIT, Who enables & enacts this very unity BY UNITING US TO CHRIST. We cannot "unite" as flawed & fallen mortal beings; the very concept is divine, a literal characteristic of God.
8) This unity is EUCHARISTIC!!!
9) Remember yesterday-- there is ONLY ONE ACCEPTABLE SACRIFICE and it IS THE EUCHARIST. It is Christ's total offering of Himself in the Paschal Mystery.
10) We are MADE PRIESTS, by becoming the spiritual Temple. This is amazing because of what it implies: a Temple is made for worship. A Temple therefore requires a Priest. We are made a Temple as living stones THROUGH JESUS, the Cornerstone AND HIGH PRIEST. We Christians are united AS a Temple THROUGH THE SPIRIT, which ALSO unites us TO CHRIST. We are baptized into His DEATH, which is THE Sacrifice that Christ offers. As we are His Temple, He MUST offer that exact Sacrifice WITHIN US!!! And since we are anointed in our baptism, we share in His Priesthood, and can therefore JOIN IN THAT SACRIFICE AS PERSONS. We are made a Temple FOR THIS VERY PURPOSE. God still demands worship on earth, even with the physical Temple destroyed, even with the Temple of Jesus's Body in Heaven. We Christians are now both physical Temples AND one spiritual Temple, both because of Christ's Spirit within us, and so it is our divinely decreed duty to worship God with and within our bodies & souls, in the only way that IS acceptable to God-- through the Cross, the Self-Sacrifice of Christ, the Eucharistic Sacrament, which we offer with Him and He offers through us. We take up our crosses and we join our daily deaths to His; we offer our lives up in every instance for His glory, in spiritual union with the Mass. We physically attend & mystically participate in the Liturgy and Christ physically gives His Body to us, His Mystical Body. Thus Christ lives in us in every way and we bring Him to others as He brings us into Himself; we are Temples and Priests and Victims with Him, for Him, united in grace & love.
That's a lot of words. But it's not rambling. It's an outpouring. Words fail to express the full beauty & truth but words cannot help but try anyway for sheer reverence's sake. 

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Universalis=
"[Jesus said,] ‘The coming of the kingdom of God does not admit of observation and there will be no one to say, “Look here! Look there!” For, you must know, the kingdom of God is among you... But first [the Son of Man] must suffer grievously and be rejected by this generation.’" ..."These verses are linguistically strange, with many linguistic features which occur nowhere else in the Gospels. The chief problem is the meaning of ‘within you’; does it mean... ‘a spiritual reality in human hearts which needs only to be appreciated’? [But] the idea of the Kingdom of God as a 'purely spiritual' reality occurs nowhere (else) in the New Testament. What would we then make of the power of the keys entrusted to both Peter and the community as a whole, or the twelve seated on thrones to judge the twelve tribes of Israel?... The final sentence of this reading forms a firm blockage: before the ultimate coming of the Kingdom, the Passion of the Son of man must occur."
Dude this actually ties into the KVOTD message??
1) The PASSION is necessary for the KINGDOM to come on earth, but it will come!
2) It will come "among you"-- among those who will become "living stones," a Temple IN their community state?
3) Jesus will be rejected, in order to become "the Cornerstone" of prophecy, necessary FOR that "spiritual Temple" of the Kingdom to exist whatsoever
4) This Temple HAS THE KEYS, because the first "stone" was PETER, BY NAME. The next stones WERE THE APOSTLES, who have their "thrones" in the Heavenly Jerusalem, where there IS no Temple because the Lamb is THERE. This "Kingdom among us" is the bridge?? When Christ returns in glory, to fully unite heaven & earth, He will not erase this created planet but perfect it, and He is working in the meantime to realize that destiny through His Church. The Spiritual is wedded to the Physical in & through Christ!
5) ALL OF THIS IS ONLY POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF CHRIST'S PASSION, THROUGH WHICH HE RECONCILED ALL THINGS TO GOD IN HIMSELF.

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Oh wow, today's Flame of Love actually elaborates on this=

"The Pharisees want to know when the Kingdom would come. The question is futile because the Kingdom is already present as the Spirit dwells in the believer. A final and total coming of the Kingdom is still ahead."
"The Pharisees approach Jesus with curious minds, not sincere hearts. They want to know about His future coming when Jesus is already in their midst."

The Spirit was apparently really in believers even before Pentecost or even the Resurrection. Remember that. We cannot have faith in Christ without the Spirit, because of John 6:44. BUT John 7:39 still tells us that the Spirit had not come in fullness? Their faith was not mature or complete, and couldn't be until the Passion. They didn't have the full revelation of Christ as Savior yet. But they didn't lack the Spirit, inasmuch as He was able to influence them by grace alone at the time? I'm honestly guessing, I apologize. But the point js that Christ had come and people had real faith in Him, however nascent & wobbly, because the Father had indeed called them and therefore the Kingdom of God had indeed arrived, quietly yet powerfully, subtly yet irreversibly.
In any case, the curiosity vs sincerity is an important & scary distinction, and VERY RELEVANT to current events. With global crisis, many Christians-- myself admittedly included-- are obsessing over "the end times" and what to look for and how to prepare, etc. While there is definitely a place for this, it can blind us to what REALLY matters-- yes, even now! Of course Christ is coming back. But He is ALREADY HERE in every Tabernacle! Of course there will be a final judgment. But there is ALREADY a daily judgment for all the departed souls, and a daily tribunal of every conscience! Everything truly necessary to prepare, everything we should be focused on, is closer & more immediate than we realize. We must pray. We must do penance. We must go to Mass. We must defend the Faith. We must go to confession. We must preach the Gospel Truth in a culture of lies. And this applies ALL THE TIME. Jesus is ALREADY in our midst-- in the Church, in the poor, in our hearts. He has "already come"! Are we prepared?

"O Jesus, I will seek You in my heart. You always dwell there. You are with me. You are here. I must just be still. You dwell in my soul, and You want me to adore you there.
Today, you will come. You will be in my midst... Today, I will be awakened to Your Presence. O Jesus, on a very special day, You will come as King. I will not wait. Right now, I make You my King. Jesus, You will be my King for this day. The reign of God is already in my midst."

I seriously need to pray this daily. That is so powerful I'm speechless. Good. I talk too much anyway.
1) Jesus always dwells in my heart. Yes, I must use personal pronouns because yes, this applies to me too. I never thought it did. I always thought I was too evil, too impure, too sick in the head, too big of a disappointment, too fake of a Christian. But... I'm still baptized into Him. I still have faith, even if it's so small you need a microscope to see it. It is a miracle I am even sitting here right now, alive and typing about God. But here I am. And against ALL odds, no matter how stupid I am or how much I hate myself now that I'm a girl again, no matter how scandalous and even blasphemous it sounds... Christ is in my heart. It absolutely boggles my mind. Is that true? Lord, is it true? What does that mean for me, for my wretched soul, if it is, if You are here with me, always?
2) ...I must be silent and still. No panicked prayer rushing. No running away in fear or fatigue. I need to adore Christ in my heart. 
...and honestly, isn't that what I've been desperately begging to do for weeks? I say so many prayers but I don't talk to Him unless I'm sobbing from exhaustion and pleading for mercy so I can just sit down for a few minutes.
3) I am a living stone. Christ dwells within me. I am a real part of His Temple. The Holy Spirit is with me. My very existence is a place of worship. How do I process this information. I cannot deny what the Sacraments declare. But this is everything I've ever wanted. I have been given grace; Jesus is with me, I'm not abandoned or forsaken, I'm not a hopeless case, God hasn't kicked me to the curb, hasn't closed the door on me... I'm actually a part of the Church. I'm part of a family. I'm actually part of the Mystical Body of Christ. I'm actually loved. I'm not rejected, I'm not disowned, I'm not an outcast or imposter or fake. Jesus actually dwells within my heart. Right now. He's with me right now.
...It's actually terrifying, to be honest. I'm so unworthy, I'm so filthy dirty ugly sinful wrong.... and yet He was born in a cave, among smelly animals, in the cold & dusty dark. He died on a cross between criminals, covered in dirt & sweat & spit. My soul is far worse, I want to protest, it's utter disgrace, and yet I cannot possibly keep Him out. Ghastly as my condition may be, O God, if He knocks at my door, give me the grace to fling it wide and offer Him everything I have regardless. I'm a poor and worthless fool but I'd be infinitely worse without Him. If He's here, if He's actually moving in with me, I think... I think things could still be good. Even my awful hovel would be blessed by His Presence. And... I'd be changed. It's inevitable, isn't it? Why are you so scared? He's not going to kill you. He's going to destroy death. Once you let Him in He's going to change everything in ways you never imagined, and it's going to be beautiful. Yes, beautiful! He will transform everything with Himself, to be worthy of Himself,  even-- especially-- where it seems impossible. But I'm rambling.
4) He WILL come. TODAY. You don't need to binge-read Mark Mallett and panic for hours over your ignorance of prophecy and poor catechesis. Jesus is STILL coming to you, to wake you up with knocking at dawn, and you MUST let Him in all over again. Is He always knocking, on deeper & different doors? Does He daily need to move back into our hearts, when our stupid sins shove Him out (Lord forgive me)?
5) Jesus arrives at our door wearing a crown, and I daresay a wedding ring. He comes to us as King and Bridegroom. He is no casual roommate, He is no mere neighbor, He is no passing visitor. He knocks with authority and love. He owns this house. He loves this house. He wants to live here, with me, as both Ruler and Beloved, to bring His Kingdom into my very heart. And He is knocking right now. Listen!


"“Each night, My little one, ask yourself what you have done for the coming of My Kingdom. Never be content with yourself. There is no room on earth for self-satisfaction. (Jesus) (August 28, 1962)"
Oh this hits hard. Good.
Remember with the alabaster jar: love can never give "enough." It always seeks to give more, to give better. Love is never "content" with its efforts but it also never despairs, because love has no pride; it gives freely & joyfully & generously and it seeks no recognition nor reward-- nor does it seek to show off! Remember the widow's mite, and the "cup of cold water"! Love gives whatever it has, with all its heart, never holding back for fear of loss or ridicule, and that is what matters.
That is how we must work for Christ, for His Kingdom.
So what did we do today? Remember it's all by grace, so don't get puffed up or try to boast. If you seek praise then you're not serving God's Kingdom. We are unprofitable servants. But we are also children of God. Our servitude is a privilege, our labor is an honor. Our only reward is knowing we work for and by God's Will and that is enough.
Do what you can. Do everything you can. It all counts. Don't ever quit. Don't get comfortable. Don't get ambitious. Do everything out of love. The Kingdom is within you!

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111523

Nov. 15th, 2023 10:38 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

5 hours of sleep buddy!!

Feeling oddly moved to ask for Saint Albert's intercession. Unexpected fondness towards him. Perhaps we really do need his particular help. Never ignore such loving nudges.

Homily tied both reading & Gospel together= Everything we have is a gift from God, so SAY THANK YOU!! Seriously, we should go through life with a consistent attitude of gratitude-- I'd even say we're OBLIGATED to, by Justice! But cultivating gratitude is also a means of mercy: to be ungrateful is a truly deadly sin, one that deforms & hardens the heart. But it's so easy to combat. We just need to become like children, so freely & readily thanking God for everything from bumblebees to particle physics, and so willing to trust His Goodness as a Father even when life gets scary and incomprehensible to us... but not to Him.
Gratitude keeps our sights set on eternity. Gratitude keeps us aware of Divine Purpose in even the most humdrum moments of our day. Gratitude crushes despair underfoot. It's a powerful weapon of grace. Use it!

Praying the Glorious Mysteries felt notably transcendent today.
I honestly think it's credit entirely to the Flame of Love. I've only been saying those prayers for three days, but I've known of it for YEARS, and it was only on Sunday when my heart was finally able & willing to say yes. "Yes, I am embracing this at last. Bring me into this Flame." And believe me I can FEEL a difference already. It's small but massive. Lord keep me committed, keep me consecrated!! This is no "test run"; nothing about religion is EVER done so casually! It's secular modernism that blithely "experiments" and "tries things out," with no sense of loyalty or purpose or direction. They are blind explorers, unable to see what they're missing because they don't have the eyes of faith TO see it. Because faith sees TRUTH, and she plants her flag, and she settles down. She she puts down her roots, pours her foundations, builds her home, and rejoices in the land... and THEN she "goes out exploring" to INVITE OTHERS TO IMMIGRATE. It's an entirely different mindset. But I digress.
I recognized, thanks to the Holy Spirit speaking to me through Mark Mallett, that the Flame of Love movement IS TRUE. It is genuinely of God, and entirely for His Glory. It is a GIFT of IMMENSE GRACE given to our time SPECIFICALLY, to directly counteract the terrorism of Satan and to transform the Church through a New Pentecost of Divine Charity. I know so little about the details yet, but I know the basics, and I am actively learning more, as the Spirit leads me. I read them seriously & earnestly, and I ask the Holy Spirit for guidance & an open heart, and I ask Mary Our Mother for her help & humility, and I don't chicken out or back down. I can't. To do so now, having seen, would be a grave sin.
But obedience is its own consolation & confirmation. There is s very real, particular, quiet joy that comes from cooperation with God's Word, despite all human doubt & confusion & hesitancy. The Rosary feels deeper & brighter than ever now. I take no credit whatsoever. This is Mary kindling that Flame in my heart at last.

We're getting better at saying the Seven Sorrows Chaplet too. We're saying it as a System, as well as we can-- we have different emotions & perspectives, so we're able to understand different Sorrows that others can't.

...

Razwell needs to have his function SUBLIMATED!!
He needs to REROUTE offensive jokes to HONOR GOD.

Missy & Bridget ALSO need sublimation if they're still embodied.
⭐OH DUDE WAIT UP, IF CENTRAL IS "THE ELDERS" IS THAT WHY GREEN & BLUE ARE STUCK EMPTY???? DO THEY FIT THERE???
⭐Also, WALDORF. She's a "MUSE," not a "headvoice", in the ancient jargon. Her Spectrum role MUST BE CLARIFIED.
⭐LOOK FOR YELLOWS.

...

Evening =
ARE discussion; ADMITTED our "bitterness" over how poorly we experienced Confirmation
Scrupulosity mention, specifically CALLED ME OUT
"Fear of God" big debate. I prayed about it & was moved to speak at the end.

DAD VISIT!!!!! ❤❤❤

Went straight to bed son

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Universalis bits=

""For power is a gift to you from the Lord, sovereignty is from the Most High; He Himself will probe your acts and scrutinise your intentions"... [this is] a strong statement of the responsibility of those who rule, and of their need of divine Wisdom. As rule is given them by God, they will be responsible to God for their administration of His kingdom. Jesus of course teaches that rulers are at the service of those they rule."
This whole first reading actually hit me hard PERSONALLY.
I don't think of myself as having "power" at all, but... then last night happened, and suddenly I was in a place of actual power over people. And I didn't even realize that, nor the gravity of it, at the time.
...

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THE OUR FATHER IS ENTIRELY EUCHARISTIC!!!
"Our Father" = in the Eucharist we partake of "the family meal" of God, which we can only do AS His Children, which we only ARE because of Christ
...
...
"Our daily Bread" =:IS the Eucharist Itself
"Forgive us our debts" = is what the Cross accomplished, that Perfect Sacrifice that is made Present in every Eucharist
"...as we forgive our debtors" = "Father forgive them..." and "we are all ONE BODY in Christ VIA the Eucharist"; "whoever loves God MUST love others also."
"Lead us not into temptation" = receiving the Eucharist cleanses us of venial sin & imparts grace to resist further sins
"Deliver us from evil" = the Eucharistic Sacrifice destroyed the power of the devil


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System talk about the Anima Christi
Asking Knife about the Blood, what would inebriation mean?
He immediately said the Blood "is His LIFE." To be inebriated with the Blood of Christ means to be saturated with His Life, to take it so completely into ourselves that it flows in our very veins. It means to, quite actually, be "drunk" with the ardor & unity of it. The Saints frequently use this very language of the Holy Spirit.
It's so hard to phrase, though, speaking in recollection & as a typist. The real data is IN Knife's heart, in knowing intuitively, not by data recall like I get. It doesn't translate.

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Ttywpf = PATRON SAINTS!!
Very fitting as today's ARE is about Confirmation, AND it's during the novena to Saint Cecelia!
"Be aware of the companionship of the whole Church and also the communion of the saints on this mission. When we face challenges together, then we are strong; we discover resources we did not know we had. Jesus did not call the apostles to live in isolation; He called them to form a group, a community."
It's utterly bizarre how we NEVER REALIZED THIS.
...

"Have you chosen a saint to be a friend, patron, model, and intercessor for you? Learn more about that saint this week, and ask him or her to help you with specific challenges you're facing now."
The ONLY Saints I can say we HAVE actually chosen in this regard are Saint Dismas and Saint Mary of Egypt.
...


ALSO we missed yesterday but it is important enough to demand recognition today too=
"The devil is... a being that opted not to accept the plan of God... His fruits are always destruction: division, hate, and slander. [He is working] every time that I am tempted to do something that is not what God wants for me. I believe that the devil exists. Maybe his greatest achievement in these times has been to make us believe that he does not exist... Do you believe that the devil exists? In what area of your life is he trying to tempt you? How are you fighting this temptation? Trust in God that he will help you to choose His plan over the devil's."
1) OPT OUT
2) BAD FRUIT
3) GOD'S WILL. We must know it and Do it! And scarily, in ever single situation, whatever ISN'T God's will IS THE DEVIL'S WILL.
4) Disbelief fuels devil power
5) Our temptations: they go against God's Plan
6) How are we fighting?
7) CHOOSE God's Plan. Because the devil HAS A PLAN TOO!! No randomness, no neutrality!!


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VOTD = Real talk by the lovely NONA JONES about Psalm 147: how God has the power to heal even our most traumatic heartbreaks.
We had to stop & think about this for a minute. What counts as heartbreak, truly? Why is it so hard to tell? Is it because our heart is currently so numbed, drugged by depersonalization?
Trauma doesn't register as heartbreak. Neither does any sort of general suffering.
All temporal loss-- the loss of the Leaguefile, the loss of our friendships in SLC & CNC, our parents getting divorced, our siblings drifting away... that's all heartache, but bizarrely, it never broke?
The ONLY thing that we can actively say broke our heart is death.
We were heartbroken when grandpa died and we weren't there.
We were heartbroken when grandma was dying and we weren't there.
And that's about it.
And we're scared because it feels SO SELFISH.
...


"Whether it’s a fractured relationship, shattered expectations, or the loss of a loved one or dream, brokenness hurts."
Is THAT our problem? Was nothing ever solid enough TO be broken? Were we shooting our soul up with novocaine?
Our relationships "never fractured," because they were never solid. EVER. We were never "actually" anyone's friend; we were either a "pity buddy" or a "placeholder."
...
Our expectations never "shattered," because they were too easily denied & reformed whenever such breakage was a risk OR reality. I immediately think of those first few minutes in CNC, how we actively overrode our survival terror because "we aren't allowed to be afraid, or to NOT want this." So our expectations for something safe, something hopeful, something other than the ghastly actuality were immediately anesthetized.
...
Similarly, but notably different in another aspect, our "dreams" never "shattered" BUT they were literally lost.
...
And then we have the loss of loved ones. That is the ONLY thing that hurt. WHY. AND WHY IS IT SO EGOTISTIC????
...

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A huge thought from the VOTD=
THE LEAGUE CAN TEACH US EMPATHY.
We hear people taking about suffering, sorrow, joy, and hope that THEY have and we DON'T and we cannot feel anything??? And its disturbing. Without personal experience, we find it difficult to "empathize" at ALL-- but when we HAVE experienced such a similar thing, we struggle to detach it from our own personal life; we feel like either we must SHARE THAT EXACT EXPERIENCE with the other person, or one of us is INVALID. It's a bizarrely Systemesque way of thinking: either we are in this together, or it doesn't happen at all.
Why is this?? (Type about it on laptop much more)
HOWEVER!!! Just like with the E.D. THE LEAGUE CAN BYPASS THIS as it is THIRD PERSON!!!
If someone in the LEAGUE has experienced what this person is telling us about, even if we've never personally experienced such a thing-- we can UNITE OUR HEART WITH THE LEAGUEPERSON, and in that very unity we CAN EMPATHIZE!!!
Practice this, SERIOUSLY.
It feels like it is going to be ABSOLUTELY INDISPENSABLE FOR BOTH OUR COLLECTIVE TRAUMA HEALING AND OUR CAPACITY TO LIVE AS A PERSON IN SOCIETY.

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I really want to think about the guided prayer, because it actually fits perfectly into the VOTD:
"God, thank You for giving me a firm foundation to build my life on. I know that no matter what storms come my way, You love me and will give me everything I need. Please help me to continue finding new ways to grow closer to You."
1) God GIVES. That's always the first focus. We do not earn, or merit, or deserve. We don't even ask, because we don't even realize we need. But God GIVES. That's a constant. It's His Character. 
2) What does He give? A firm foundation. This is something that CANNOT be broken, or fractured, or shattered, or lost.
3) It is a foundation-- it is not meant to stand alone and inert! This is actually a gift of HOPE, of PROMISE even, because you only lay a foundation in order TO BUILD UPON IT!
4)
...


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Some fascinating bits from ARE Catechism & Scripture study on Confirmation, starting at Isaiah 11:2 where the Gifts are originally listed =
""a spirit of counsel [or “strategy”] and strength"... the point is that he will have the strength/ability to execute the plans/strategies he devises."
This is so encouraging; it means that whenever the Spirit gives us a "battle strategy" in our daily battles against sin, we never need to fear any inability on our part-- because we're not using our own strength to obey, but the spiritual might-- the Fortitude-- gifted by the same Spirit, TO carry out His Counsel! God does not give us impossible orders; He ALWAYS provides the means, by grace, to do what He wills.

"“a spirit of knowledge and fear of the Lord.” “Knowledge” is used here in its covenantal sense and refers to a recognition of God’s authority and a willingness to submit to it. “Fear” here refers to a healthy respect for God’s authority which produces obedience. Taken together, the two terms emphasize the single quality of loyalty to the Lord. This loyalty guarantees that he will make just legal decisions and implement just policies."
I kept that last bit about justice because again it is EXACTLY what today's first reading was about! Justice is always ultimately directed towards God, even in human politics, because "He who loves God MUST love his neighbor, " again-- and if you love God you WILL be loyal to Him: "If you love Me, keep my Commandments"! And these Commandments ARE the Covenant terms, both in the OT & NT: you must love God with all you have & are, and you must love your neighbor as yourself. And this Love IS "Covenantal knowledge," because the Covenantal use MARITAL LANGUAGE and the knowledge is RELATIONAL. It is utterly unique TO the Covenant context; no one can EVER know God outside of it. On the other hand, as a Covenant, it is also not a situation of equals. We enter into it on the very explicit terms that GOD IS GOD, and we belong to Him.
...I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I'm uneducated in this regard so I must humbly cease talking.
I'm pondering "knowledge." We usually use it to refer to scientific discovery and awareness of physical facts. But what is science, if not the gradual revelation OF God's Authority? We see laws everywhere; we see patterns & numbers & intricate elegant harmonies down to the very atoms and quarks of things. We see how all of Creation amazingly exists as a whole, how it makes sense, and can be understood (within mortal limits) by intelligent minds. Therefore God's Authority is apparent even in Science. And even more obviously, we have the natural moral law within every human heart! THIS is what all knowledge leads to: the knowledge that there IS a God, that He IS the Authority over All, and that what we can feebly grasp of Him through our mortal knowledge is still so noble, so true, so beautiful, that we want to submit to Him; we are aware, however dimly, of how Perfect and Righteous He Is, essentially in contrast to our insurmountable weakness & folly, and we want to obey Him. We then rejoice at being subject to His Law, recognizing its supreme Goodness, and that inspired joy naturally causes obedience... just as naturally as we, once blessed with this knowledge, will commit ourselves to justice for the sake of the Lord. Our just acts become purified, free of egotism, when they are done as a loyal response to the ultimate Justice we see in the Greatest Authority. Et Cetera. I've exhausted my brain.



111423

Nov. 14th, 2023 10:38 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Extra Eucharistic prayers for family & friends today. took at least 20 minutes. exhausting mentally and physically but worth it. reminded us very clearly of how much we truly love everyone and fervently want them to be saved.

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VOTD = Proverbs 10:17
We must WELCOME discipline & correction, even ASK for it, because when we obey it, it will help us become the person God created us to be! After all, correction & discipline can only occur in response to a wrongdoing or failure to do what is proper-- this means that discipline always leads us back towards God, onto the "path of Life."
Also a very important warning that if you REJECT discipline, you are WILLFULLY OPPOSING GOD, essentially claiming that you "don't need to be corrected," because "you did nothing wrong" or even "imperfectly"! THIS IS PRIDE. And when we are obstinate like this, refusing discipline, WE LEAD OTHERS ASTRAY. That's TERRIFYING.

"Remaining teachable begins with humility. It begins with realizing that we're not perfect and need others to see our blind spots."
This means OUTSIDE THE SYSTEM. Yes, we can do this for each other inside to an extent, but we share the same soul so we WILL share "blind spots" whether we like it or not.
That "you're not perfect" phrase still hits our childself mentality like a death knell. As a child, we were effectively told that we MUST be "perfect". Our shortcomings & flaws were constantly pointed out, often in comparison to other kids who did not have such defects.
...
Humility felt like suicide, in that sense. Humility meant "giving up fighting," giving in to the terminal illness of our imperfection. We were too terrified to even imagine how our family would have responded, had we done so. It's sad. They felt they "had to be perfect," too. It's why they didn't give us any leeway; there couldn't be a double standard. They were afraid of their own imperfections, so by forcing us children to be "perfect," it would reflect on them too. We were all fighting a losing war.
...
As for being teachable, we yearn for that virtue.
...


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The KVOTD had one line I want to highlight =
"Lord, please show me how I can use my daily decisions as acts of worship to You."
I forget that's even allowed, let alone possible! It's why we're so exhausted from prayer-- deep down we are fearfully convinced that ONLY "RECITED" PRAYERS COUNT. Everything else is "cheating," and is therefore blasphemous & irreverent.
But all this pseudo-pious fear is actually doing is divorcing our physical life from our spiritual life. It's labeling our general existence as unholy and unclean. Hence all the OCD rituals, probably!
...

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We just got this amazingly relevant bit from the guided prayer =
"We pray because prayer is the expression of an intimate relationship with God, an ongoing dialogue that brings Christ into every detail of our lives. Prayer can feel risky because it requires two things of us: trust in God’s goodness and submission to His sovereignty. Prayer is the alignment of our heart to His... A strong prayer life is not a destination but rather an infinite exploration of the Heart of God. You are always a student of prayer because God uses it as a vehicle to reveal Himself to you."
1) You cannot truly pray if you DON'T have an intimate relationship with God. This is
2) Prayer isn't "talking at," or giving a speech, or even just studious recitation. It is a DIALOGUE, and therefore it REQUIRES THE INVOLVEMENT OF YOUR PERSON. Prayer requires that you speak in order to listen, to commit to communication at the very outset. It's not ever about you. It's about you and God.
3) Prayer opens the door of our daily life for Jesus to come in? Even more truthfully, it's like a marriage-- you're letting Him into your "private existence" to SHARE it, not just visit! It's an intimate relationship, not a casual one!!
4) Prayer requires TRUST.
5) Prayer requires SUBMISSION.
6) This is the point that's hitting the hardest. Prayer aligns our heart with God's Heart.
7) Our goal in prayer should NEVER be to "level up"-- to "say more" for the sake of sheer effort, or just to add more hours to our prayer schedule. It's not about "stacking indulgences" or "doing the dailies". It's not even about "if I don't say these specific prayers, for this specific amount of time, I'm not really a good Christian and God will be angry with me." Et cetera. You're treating prayer like a sentence, a legal obligation, an almost penal effort you must power through "or else." You're desperately trying to reach a destination of "holy enough," of spending "enough time" and saying "enough words", and yet you keep adding more numbers to each. You keep raising the bar. It's unreachable. It's inevitable. Any lower and you'd be "punished for spiritual sloth & lack of zeal." So you drive yourself scrupulously insane, trying to "become a saint" through sheer mental labor, when deep down you're just a frightened sobbing bruised & battered child trying to one day "make God happy with me", trying to appease the God Whose back is turned in disdain.
That's not what prayer is. That's not Who God Is. No wonder we have it all screwed up.
8) Prayer is, almost scandalously, "an infinite exploration of the Heart of God".
9) We're not the focus of prayer. It's not even ours, not entirely-- after all, if it's the result of a relationship, then the other party is already intrinsically involved in it.
it is to be used BY God, literally as a vehicle of the Almighty, to come to us??
10) We are STUDENTS of prayer-- but not in an academic sense. Prayer is not something any textbook can hold, or even describe. Prayer IS DIALOGUE. It is relational. It can only be learned within itself. We are students because we can never teach prayer. It's impossible.
...
11) Love is a state of Being. Prayer is a result of Love. Therefore, prayer is also a state of Being?
Is this what Mallett was talking about, with the Flame of Love and the "new era of sanctity"?
...

"I need to be connected to You, and I know that the Bible and the Holy Spirit are my guides... Help me keep Your words in my heart and mind so that I might be more like You in my reactions."
THIS is why we need to just straight-up READ THE BIBLE, "in bulk." We need to be INUNDATED with it, to drink it in so thoroughly on a daily basis that it REWRITES OUR VERY INSTINCTS.
...

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Taking a minute to GET SLAMMED by the First Reading=

"God made man imperishable, He made him in the image of His Own nature."

Another translation given=
"‘God created us for immortality and made us in the image of His Own eternity’."
1) MAN WAS MEANT TO HAVE ETERNAL LIFE-- Man was literally designed for it!!
2) MAN REFLECTS THE VERY NATURE OF GOD, which is equated with His Eternity-- what makes Him Eternal IS His Nature, and His Nature is Love & Truth, among literally infinite other virtues & perfections. AND HE APPARENTLY MADE US TO MIRROR THAT.
...

"It was the devil’s envy [and malice] that brought death into the world, as those who are his partners will discover."
1) THE DEVIL IS ENVIOUS OF THIS LIKENESS!
2) ENVY CAUSED DEATH.
3) YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THIS MURDEROUS ENVY FIRSTHAND IF YOU JOIN HIM. The devil is NOT your friend. He's not even your business partner. He's out to devour you.
...


"But the souls of the virtuous are in the hands of God; no torment shall ever touch them. In the eyes of the unwise, they did appear to die... but they are in peace. If they experienced punishment as men see it, their hope was rich with immortality; slight was their affliction, great will their blessings be. God has put them to the test and proved them worthy to be with him; he has tested them like gold in a furnace, and accepted them as a holocaust... They who trust in Him will understand the truth, those who are faithful will live with Him in love; for grace and mercy await those He has chosen."
1) The massive implications of the first verse. No matter WHAT happens to the virtuous soul-- even punishment, even death-- they are safe from all torment. That's an ASTOUNDING distinction.
2) I'm struck by the immediate parallels between death & punishment, because that applies both literally & figuratively, and the Cross demonstrates this.
Our humility IS a small "death," which fittingly enables us TO "take up our cross."
3) This is the VOTD! For the virtuous, punishment is a means of holy discipline.

"Christ taught us to set our hearts on the Kingdom of God, and on its justice. In that Kingdom all that we need will be given to us. Until then, let us pray: Your Kingdom come, O Lord."
There's a very rich deeper meaning to this.
God's Kingdom is to come ON EARTH, as it is in heaven. This poor world plagued by injustice is to become the very location of Divine Justice's future realm. So we CANNOT abandon it. We CANNOT "let it be destroyed" in the false heartless "hope" that "God will just make a new one." NO. CREATION WAS MADE TO SHARE IN GOD'S ETERNITY TOO.
...

"Blessed are those who know their need of God: lead us to seek your face in purity of heart."
This made me realize, we can "seek God" with impure hearts. We can even "seek God" while denying that we need Him. That's what so many ironic "truth-seekers" nowadays do. Their problem is exactly what this verse highlights: they don't feel a need of God AS GOD.
Too many "truthseekers" see God just as a "force" or some other impersonal thing, NOT A PERSON.
...


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There were some people on Christian YouTube commenting about rapture dreams, and all hoping Jesus comes back soon to set things right, and I just suddenly felt this wave of deep affection well up in my heart as I thought, "I hope I get to meet them all in heaven." In that moment I felt such a love & yearning for the universal community of faith; it was transcendent. It left me feeling changed inside. I can't quite explain it. Suddenly, I just... felt like I WAS part of God's family-- something infinitely bigger than myself, something REAL and TRUE and BEAUTIFUL, something completely devoted to & defined by Jesus Christ.
It's the "joy set before us" as we take up our crosses, as the Church prepares to join her Bridegroom in His Passion. No matter what, in the end, there is the Resurrection, and Eternal Life with Christ, with all His Children. That's worth all the suffering we must endure until. May we endure it together for love of God and each other until then.  

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Today's SPARK =
"Before His Passion and Death, Christ gave His very Self by becoming bread to sustain us with His everlasting Presence. To use an analogy, just as a television can only operate properly when plugged into an electrical socket, Christians only function properly when they are connected to the Living God. God becomes our food, the power source for the human soul. When you have a Source of Life, you can be a source of life."
Dude I have never heard this phrased so simply yet profoundly before. It's admittedly probably because I never understood what "food" properly IS, thanks to my disorder-- it's SUPPOSED to be a POWER SOURCE!!
...


I also had to look up "ecclesiastical ministries and works of the apostolate," and apparently etymologically, at the roots, the former means "one who shouts out" and the latter means "one who is sent forth." And that's beautiful, in how simply it puts the work of the Church: to "go out to all the world and proclaim the Good News." We show our faith "in words AND works." We are heralds and envoys, speakers and witnesses... for the Eucharist. Here's the context, that most magnificent catechesis:
"“The Eucharist is ‘the source and summit of the Christian life.’ The other sacraments, and indeed all ecclesiastical ministries and works of the apostolate, are bound up with the Eucharist and are oriented toward it” (CCC 1324)."
That speaks volumes. It changes our perspective on everything.
What are we preaching, at the very heart? The Eucharist. Yes, we proclaim the literal Gospel, the teachings & message of Christ, but consider this truth now-- ALL of that has its source and summit, too, in the Eucharist. EVERYTHING in the New Testament finds its perfection & purpose in the Eucharist. That is a FACT, even if it is too deep for my poor mind to fathom. It is still utterly trustworthy.
...


"There is NO act of worship that is perfect OR pleasing to the Father, EXCEPT for the obedience Christ offers to Him, shown in its full glory through His Paschal Mystery. We have been given the chance to share in this worship through our participation in the Eucharistic Sacrifice. Christ in the Blessed Sacrament is a foretaste of our heavenly worship and our eternal reward. Christ’s True Presence in the Eucharist allows us the opportunity to encounter this reality daily... In the sacrifice of the Mass, God offers us a chance to participate in Divine Communion, sharing His Own Life with us. In the Eucharist we are offered a chance for a deep and personal encounter with Jesus, who is both the foundation of our faith as well as the height of it."

1) That first line knocked me right over. NOTHING I ever do as "worship" can please God. Let that sink in. Pride fights that truth, tooth and claw, every moment of every day. But it's unquestionable. It's shockingly obvious. Pride can fight, but it cannot deny. "Filthy rags" are all any human has to offer God. We are fundamentally imperfect, intrinsically flawed. All created things are, because we're not God, and we CANNOT be God. Pride will deny that, terrifyingly enough; modern society proves it, and the devil shouts it as a rallying call to selfish hearts. But that's not tonight's discussion. My point is that, in absolute basic reality, human beings cannot do anything that is objectively "good," and therefore cannot properly worship God as He justly deserves & demands by nature.
Our only hope is the Eucharist.
2) Christ Jesus is sinless, and incapable of sin. He is spotlessly holy by nature. His Heart and Will are entirely united with the Father's. And why? Because He is fully God. He CAN do good, objectively & definitively, because "no one is good but God." But He is also fully Man, and therefore, His worship is shown in the only say a human can properly worship God-- through humble, pure, loving obedience. And so, when we unite ourselves to Him by baptism, and we participate in the Eucharistic Sacrifice, His obedient worship becomes ours, as members of His Mystical Body, as the people He purchased with His very Blood offered IN the Eucharist! He WANTS to offer this worship on our behalf; that's WHY He is our eternal and perfect High Priest! He knows that's the only possible "pleasing" worship-- to claim anything less sufficed would be a blasphemous affront to The Father's Holy Perfection. So Christ offers it for us, for His Glory alone-- no mortal can claim any merit. But we are blessed by grace from it, abundant beyond our ability to even imagine. Remember: the Eucharist, the Paschal Mystery, is indeed the only perfect & eternal Sacrifice, but it is also our salvation, our redemption, our food, our life. That's astounding. This perfect worship offered to God is simultaneously the perfect mercy offered to sinners.
3) IT IS ALSO HEAVEN. Every single Mass is a glimpse of the eternal bliss won for us by the "Mass" of the Passion. We will be in the very Presence of God, adoring Him, praising Him, loving Him... and He will be our everything: our light, our joy, our strength. This is our "reward," for doing nothing but staying united to Christ, for letting Him live in us, through us, to sanctify & save us... our reward is God Himself.
4) And we receive God in the Eucharist every single day.
There is no way to express the profundity of that fact. It's ineffable. It seems impossible. It boggles the mind. It stuns the senses. And it's TRUE. It's also sadly why so many people struggle to accept it-- it is literally a world-changing revelation; it MUST become the center of your entire existence. But we are so foolish, so weak, we are afraid to let go of the world, we don't truly understand WHAT and WHO is being given in the Eucharist. If we did, we would run into His Arms immediately and never leave. But we have chains to this passing life, and we hesitate, we avert our eyes, we don't try to understand better because we KNOW what it will cost, what that awareness will justly demand of us. We play the fool, not realizing that we're running from Life Himself.
...but He's there, every day, just the same. He waits in the Tabernacle. The depth of Love is unfathomable. Why are we afraid to respond? Are we afraid He will demand the same? Don't we realize that to love Love Himself is the purest joy, and an effortless one at that?
...

There's really nothing more I can even attempt to type about this. I'm still so new to the faith, in truth. All of this is new to me. I can only grasp what little glimpses the Spirit gives me, and even then my own ego & ignorance get in the way, and see things so imperfectly, and so incompletely. Everything I say in response is just snowblind childspeak; I have no authority, no credentials, no wisdom. If I speak any insight it is of the Spirit. I am just a poor dazzled fool, dithering on about some great beauty I can barely even perceive, and yet which stirs my very soul to shimmering. I can't help but respond to it, like a bell struck, even if my tone is laughable. It's still the only music I can make, and therefore I owe it to God as my only offering, however poor, with all the stumbling sincerity I can muster.
Even then, Christ is my hope. If anyone can write my pitiful notes into a symphony, He can. To Him be all the glory. Amen.


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We need to get a sense of direction & purpose in our daily typing again. It's been too random & unstructured; we can't make any measurable or coherent progress that way, and in any case, we NEED to be reading ACTUAL SCRIPTURE daily, not news articles.
Back we go then to the Expositor's Commentary!

"...What if, when we come to the dark valley at last, we have never seen Him Who alone can safely guide us through the dark valley?... if ever you and I are to die in peace, it can only be on the ground of having seen Jesus as our sanctification, righteousness, and redemption."

And remember: whoever sees the Son, sees the Father as well.
So really, in a way this is asking us: do you have the right view of God? Have you ever seen God for Who He actually Is?
Jesus, Who is God, IS our Sanctification-- He gives us Himself as Sacrifice to purify us, and as Food to give us true Life. He calls us out of the fallen world to be His Own chosen people, marked with the sign of the Cross.
Jesus, Who is God, IS our Righteousness-- He offers all the merits of His sinless Life on our behalf, forgiving us our own sins as we repent and enabling us to do good through His own Grace and Power generously poured out into our helpless & humble hearts.
Jesus, Who is God, IS our Redemption-- with His Blood, He has paid our infinite debt in full, has freed us from slavery, and has given us both citizenship and a family.
If you see Jesus in this true Light of His Love, as the Good Shepherd that will not, cannot ever forget or abandon you, His beloved lost lamb-- then no dark valley in the universe, not even death itself, can frighten you, because you know you are held safely in His Everlasting Arms... and there, so close to His Heart, is eternal peace.


"A view of the Saviour transforms our souls and moulds them into His likeness... a view of the Saviour produces moral and spiritual, as well as physical, results... If you want to live the Christ-Life, strive to see Jesus and study His character."
I'm getting the strong impression that this "seeing" is no brief glance, or casual look, or even an admiring attention. To "SEE" Him is to see HIM, and He is more than the eye can see. To truly see Christ we MUST view Him with our heart.
...


111323

Nov. 13th, 2023 08:42 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

More nightmares & hacks. Miserable. Exhausted, no rest

Barely remember Mass. Someone we know from SHJ was there & it set off both social mode panic AND "feminine service" fear. I don't have jargon for that yet, but it's this intensely frightened & depersonalizing compulsive reaction to being the object of ANY male attention, even just our assumption of it. We go into blind, smiling, robotic maid mode, and it is CHOKED WITH TERROR of being sexually used as INEVITABLE.
...

Homily note= a mustard seed, despite its tiny size, STILL contains all the capacity needed to become a full-grown plant. It just needs the right environment & sustenance; but the ability TO become is already within it, absolutely. Likewise, we are "fully equipped" in Christ with ALL virtue; He is the SOURCE of them all. There is no lack, no deprivation. It is all there available in Him. We just need to learn how to "tap into" that flow from His Heart, and to open ours to receive & use it-- and that happens by FAITH.
Just like a mustard seed, however small, if we have faith in Christ, then Christ's power is there within us. Faith is faith. It does not occur "halfway". If it exists at all, it has its full potential already inherent, by grace, by definition.
Do not despair if you lack it yet. We can pray for this faith. God is the Sower. He will give us the seed we need.


Flame of Love Rosary, looping chouchou. PERFECT.
Thank You God for giving that song to us on Shuffle instantly, completely unexpected but just what was needed.
It's much easier to focus with ONE instrumental song on loop as a BGM, than an unpredictable playlist of several. Plus, higher tempo tracks AND "too many notes"-- like Alfonso Peduto, bless him-- are impossible to use as a BGM because they are too active and even distressing to the mind, which diverts all our attention out of anxiety & "fight or flight" readiness. Yes, even music does it. Certain sounds instantly switch both our body & brain into a coiled-spring state of "impending danger vigilance", and we're not sure why. But it happens far too often. We have to be VERY careful about audio exposure, even from minute to minute.
But yeah, God bypassed all that trouble today with one perfect track and we thank Him. We were able to focus better than we have in weeks, even, and with the new phrase in the Hail Mary demanding our performative attention, we didn't feel the guilty & scared compulsion to repeat every other prayer to "get it right this time". So it actually all worked out very well & smoothly-- which was a HUGE MERCY, actually, with how crushingly fatigued our body & mind both were, and how late it was as a result of said fatigue hampering our general speed.


We are bravely yet humiliatedly choosing to do the Flame of Love fasting for Monday, which is that "We should not eat to enjoy," BECAUSE "There are some people who should NOT try a bread and water fast because of age, illness, medical conditions, or other restrictions. If it is too difficult for you to do, please do not be discouraged. You can find another way to keep the spirit of loving sacrifice intended by the fast."
SO we are not taking any extra pieces of anything-- even one single carrot slice-- and we are NOT HAVING ANY SALT.
This has actually revealed to us that we are "ADDICTED" to the salt??? That "panicked starvation girl" lotophagoi immediately started freaking out, "what if our electrolytes bottom out," "what if we get dehydrated and pass out," "what if we're losing some trace minerals that our body actually needs to function properly"-- dude it's ONE DAY, we have Powerade if we need it, and besides, with how MUCH salt we've been eating lately our body could USE a break!

But most importantly, remember, the whole point of this fast is that we MUST OFFER THIS UP FOR THE HOLY SOULS, and we must pray for them AT NIGHT as a sacrifice, too. 
This isn't about us. The shockingly simple sacrifice of our time & enjoyment is being given the unmerited grace to free suffering souls from Purgatory. Jesus said, "Let ALL your actions [today] be done with the purpose of helping [the Holy Souls]. In union with Me, desire that these souls contemplate My Face as early as possible." This is an act of loving mercy & charity! Do not treat it lightly. Do not cut corners or count costs. Have compassion and think about others for once!! Learn to be selfless!!!

A note from EWTN=
"Fasting or penance should never be done for the sake of fasting itself or for the sake of penance itself! But they ought to be done with the intention of deeper union of will with the Lord! They ought to be done with the intention to prepare ourselves for the coming of the Lord!"
...


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Universalis=

Oh man I remember reading this last bit of commentary YEARS ago, when we first started the Liturgy of the Hours, and back then it was honestly a game-changer =
"It is a great mistake to apply the saying on prayer [in Luke 17] too closely to our simple petitions. Faith demands a deeper commitment than that. The issue is not the prayer that a business deal should succeed or that it should be sunny on the day of the wedding. Real faith is the confidence that our Father will give us what is best for each of us, even if the business deal does collapse and it does pour with rain at the wedding!"
THAT is the PROPER way to view God's responses to our prayers, in ALL circumstances. He's not "doing it to spite you" or to "purposely do the opposite of what you asked, because you asked," or "because you left a loophole open so technically this is answering your prayer" or something similarly cruel & fickle & utterly ungodly.
...


"You have left all things and have followed Me; you will be repaid a hundred times over, and gain eternal life."
...I always forget this. I literally never remember that yeah, Jesus did tell us to sacrifice everything for His Kingdom, BUT He ALSO told us that HE WILL REPAY US FOR IT, with more than we even gave in the first place. I don't know how, and I can't imagine it, but He has said it so it IS TRUE, and it IS a GOOD thing BECAUSE HE SAID IT.
...


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Passion = MAGNIFICENT reflection on justice & forgiveness =
"Couldn’t God simply pronounce forgiveness? Was it necessary for Christ to go through the painful process of dying? ... If God simply pronounced forgiveness, that would make forgiveness cheap. Our sin is too serious for such a response. WE are too significant for our wrongdoing to be taken so lightly. People who have not been corrected during their childhood, whose wrongdoing has been regarded lightly, will invariably be insecure people. Subconsciously they reason that if they were significant individuals, their actions would be taken seriously...
Because God regards us as significant people, He cannot simply pronounce forgiveness for our sins. They must be punished adequately. And Jesus took the punishment because God knew that if we were to take it on ourselves, there would be no hope for us. Besides, to simply forgive would make a mockery of justice.
A world without justice is an insecure and chaotic world. There is right, and there is wrong. And when wrong is done, it is serious. So something serious must be done about it."
THIS IS AT THE HEART OF THE SYSTEM, TOO. Look at the Retributors! Look at Laurie and the other Protectors! Before we got softened to rot by CNC's relativism, we took sin VERY SERIOUSLY and we have the scars to prove it.
...
But oh MAN, that bit about insecurity HIT SO HARD. Is THAT why we started LOOKING for punishment, literally begging people to "hit us" so we would feel forgiven-- so we would feel like moral justice still mattered?
...


MDE = setting off my scrupulosity but nevertheless inspiring =
"Not only did she [Mother Cabrini] prescribe a daily hour of meditation, but she urged also that two hours in the morning and two in the evening be devoted intensively to community prayer in addition to the other pious Practices of the day."
I'm... admittedly panicking over this, haha. I only have a half hour of daily Adoration after Mass, and one of my two hours of morning prayer is done while I'm cooking, to "fit my schedule"; is that sacriligeous? And I only do an hour of night prayer right now because I'm so exhausted. I could do another, but then I'd be... I'd be falling asleep at the altar, and I'd be losing sleep. It's happened before. But maybe I still should do it, for piety. It's just honestly scary, to my body actually, to be exhausting itself so constantly. I'm so bloody weak. God forgive me.

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VOTD = Psalm 25:5.
"Here's what you can count on in life. Sometimes the path is not easy. God will guide you into situations seemingly beyond your capacity to bear. You will be stretched beyond your abilities. You will come to moments of despair. But stay on the path! Keep your hope in God, all the time. He has your best interests in mind. If you stay committed to following the path, however challenging or difficult it may be, you will arrive at exactly the place God meant for you to be."
This came at the perfect time.
To open this entire topic= it is often said because it's true= God never promises to give us an easy life, in fact He promises that we WILL struggle: "in this world you WILL have trouble"! And we must expect this. We must not be scandalized by difficulty or trial, by suffering or loss. God has promised it will happen. Isn't that strange? Why would He promise such things? It is because He is True, and will not give us false hope. Christ suffered, and He suffered because of our sins. That's what ALL suffering originates from, ultimately. There is no suffering in heaven. But that makes this a holy paradox-- when we unite ourselves with Christ by His grace, His Presence can TRANSMUTE our suffering into GRACE, because His Cross has PAID OFF THE DEBT OF SIN. We now have this amazing privilege and ability to SUFFER FOR LOVE. We cannot do this in heaven. We cannot do this without "heaven on earth," which is Jesus within our hearts. And that is why God "lets" us suffer even as Christians-- so we can be entirely united with Christ, Whose very Incarnation required that He suffer, because in this world "Love IS suffering," even for God Made Man. Love seeks the highest good of the other-- their salvation and Life-- and therefore it willingly and joyfully takes on suffering in their place, on their behalf, and/or in unity with them. ONLY LOVE CAN DO THIS. And only God Is Love. It is only by fusing ourselves with Jesus's Life and Death and Resurrection, with His Passion and His Redemptive Sacrifice, that we can become "co-redeemers"-- again, only inasmuch as we let Him suffer IN us. The path to Calvary is not easy, because it was never supposed to be, and cannot be, if it is to have any efficacy and power at all. Our love-- the love of God, Who Is Love-- is proven in the sacrifices we make in His Name, by His Love working in us to achieve its constant and unchanging Purpose of Redemption. We must "take up our Cross" in order to resurrect. We must die in order to live. God the Son promises eternal life to all who believe in Him, and to do so requires believing in His Divine Mission perfected in the Cross. He promises that if we eat & drink of Him-- if we partake in His Sacrifice-- we will never die; we will have Life within us. But that Life had to die in the flesh before He could give us His Resurrected Body and Blood for food, now deathless and purified by Love's Sacrifice of Self. What I'm trying to say is, Christ promises us eternal Life in response to our partaking, however indirectly, in His Passion. It is therefore inevitable that we will suffer while we are in the body as well. It will not be easy. But it will be blessed.

Now the next bit has so many important words. Let me break it down.
1) God "WILL." This is an inevitability. His Character can be counted on; it will not change, and it is ALWAYS loving & just & true & merciful & righteous, etc. Remember this for everything He "will" do.
2) What will He do? GUIDE us. He never pushes or barks orders or lazily tells us to go on ahead. No, like a Shepherd He GUIDES us. He walks ahead of us! This, too, is consistent.
3) Where will He guide us? Into situations. This is an ACTIVE word. Our Christian life is one of BOTH being & doing!
4) What kind of situations? "Ones seemingly beyond our capacity to bear."  Consider this at face value. God WILL GUIDE us into such challenges. This means it is INEVITABLE, it is OUT OF LOVE, and HE GOES WITH US, right up into the front lines.
Now break this down further.
5) "Seemingly beyond." We cannot trust our own understanding or perception. This is NOT incentive to pride-- on the contrary, it is a humbling testament to God's Knowledge and our utter ignorance in contrast. For all we know, this situation might actually be "within our capacity," and we're either too afraid, too proud, or too weak to even consider that possibility.
6) "OUR." This is really the key. Where is your FOCUS? Is it on YOU, or on GOD? Because, remember, you were GUIDED here! YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and in truth, you AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE! You're NOT supposed to be able to do this on your own, and God doesn't expect you to try! That's the whole point! 
7) "Capacity to bear." What determines our capacity? If it is our own mortal strength, then yes, we will stumble, we will slip, we may even fall flat on our face.
...


The reflection =
"Pause and take a moment to reflect on the last time you truly allowed yourself to be led by someone else— the kind of leading that required you to give up control and trust the person leading you..."
Oh boy. THAT'S convicting.
I thought about this for a minute, and I realized-- I don't let other people lead me, because I don't trust them to LEAD. I apparently have this innate conviction that everyone is going to harm me. I can "trust" you to lead me, sure-- to certain doom! And it's ALWAYS malevolent, always violent, always abusive. I "trust" everyone to lie, in order to take advantage of me & use me. I EXPECT to be manipulated & misled. I ASSUME that everyone I ask for help will "trick me" into punishment for asking, like a genie twisting a wish; and I likewise BELIEVE that anyone who OFFERS to help me, to lead me, is effectively offering me candy from an unmarked van. Even if I do accept, and things seem to go okay, I'm waiting for the bomb to drop-- waiting for the "GOTCHA" or the "viral incubation period" or the "oh, by the way..." Basically, I trust that you want to hurt me.
What the heck does this say about my subconscious.
But yeah, all this is why I'm apparently a control freak. It's humiliating to realize & admit, but I must be honest now that the Spirit has shown me. The problem is, it won't change unless my mindset changes concerning motivation. Right now I am STILL CONVINCED that everyone, INCLUDING GOD, is throwing daggers at my mugshot.
...And you know what, that's the other weird thing. I'm so convinced that I'm a convicted criminal that I don't even trust myself not to harm me!! Headspace can attest to this. I literally ASSUME that I'm going to screw up big time and end up dead, by my own fault & foolishness. I don't trust my opinions or judgments or plans. But with awful irony, I'm so afraid of the "GUARANTEE" of malice from others, that I would rather take the risk with my own fumbling efforts because at least I'M NOT ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL MYSELF. I have hope that, on my own, maybe I'll have a freak success or minimal damage, and I can breathe & sob in relief that I survived, somehow I made it through, it's over, I didn't die-- at least, not until tomorrow.
This is the mindset that ruled my every waking moment during the hacks & hijacks. Nothing & nobody can be trusted to do anything but try to kill you.
...You'll notice this mindset doesn't consider God on either side.
...

"If we're honest, many of us struggle in some way to completely surrender trust. And even when we do decide to surrender, we might still slightly find ourselves trying to take back some measure of control.
We fear being hurt. We fear vulnerability. We fear being misled. We fear rejection..."

1) "SURRENDER" trust. The very language implies that I have to stop fighting, stop resisting, at the very outset. It implies that my will is at war. I see the other person as a conquering army. I see their interaction as an invasion. I am terrified to trust because it means I am putting my hands into shackles. It means I am giving up all control, all autonomy, all identity, all safety, all hope for the future as I imagined it. It means I must hand over the keys, put the weapon down, close my eyes, and shut my mouth. It means I must die to myself. It's terrifying. And it's what Jesus calls me to do.
2) How do I define "hurt?" It's inextricable from "vulnerability." The latter guarantees the former.

3) I already talked about being misled, but it's important to note that it ties directly into the "being hurt." Being misled is not a childish prank, and never an innocent mistake. Misleading is always done like an anglerfish-- with the conscious intent to devour. If you mislead me, you see me as prey.
4) I actually didn't even consider "rejection," because coming from this terrified mindset, being rejected would actually be a liberating relief! It would be the ONLY "PROOF" that the rejector DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH TO KILL ME. It sounds so brutal but it's true. They can't be bothered to waste precious attention & energy on hunting me down. I'm not worth the chase or the bullet. If they refuse to take a position of power over me, that's an ACT OF MERCY, not "rejection"! The only thing they've "rejected" is the social-mode song-and-dance I'd otherwise have to force my frightened body through. By cutting me off at the start, they shut down the whole operation, and I'm free. I don't have to panic. I can try myself, safely as I can, with no risk of outright intentional death. If I fail and get hurt, at least I know it was innocent. Stupid, absolutely, and idiotic, but innocent. On my own, trusting no outside invader, I can at least breathe, if only a little.
It's so miserable.
God still isn't a positive factor. How did I get like this?

Better question-- WHO IS TYPING THIS???
They're evidently female, but they're faceless, and don't identify with the body at all.
We can't find them once they leave the typing front. We can't tap into their mindset. But apparently they are tapped into some very important albeit distressing information. We have to thank them for their honesty with this.


"But here's the truth: when we place our fears in the hands of a loving God, it readies our hearts to cultivate a deeper intimacy with Him. God knows your heart, He sees your struggles, and He's aware of your weaknesses. And He's there— right there, in the midst of your anxieties and fears— ready to guide you, teach you, and lead you to TRUTH."
God cannot mislead you. Start right there.
...


Points from the prayer=
"O Lord, I acknowledge my need for Your guidance. Guide me in Your truth. Teach me Your ways. I place my hope in You."
1) We need to be guided by God, because by ourselves, we are totally lost & confused.
2) That guidance is IN God's Truth-- His Truth is both the means & the goal of His guiding us. He guides us TO the Truth, but He IS the Truth! All in all, we cannot find our way to Him on our own. He must take the initiative-- He must lead the way, paradoxically, to Himself.
3) We likewise cannot "learn" His Ways on our own; we must be taught.
4) Remember from the other day what "hope" actually is=
...

"I trust that You are the Source of all wisdom and that You give wisdom generously to all who ask."
1) Do we ACTIVELY trust that ALL wisdom comes from God alone? Of course we trust this "in theory," but do we still find ourselves trying to "figure things out on our own," relying on human authority & advice, or panicking that we "don't know what is the best option"?
2) On that note, DO we TRUST Him TO give us HIS wisdom? Every capslocked word there is vital.


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From an email =

"[Although 1 Corinthiana 10:13 tells us that] God will never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear... [in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9] Paul’s agonizing choice of words, “under great pressure,” “far beyond our ability to endure,” and “despairing even of life,” show us that the difficulties he and the other disciples experienced were well beyond their human ability to handle."
TRIALS & TEMPTATIONS ARE NOT THE SAME.
That is a HUGELY IMPORTANT DISTINCTION, because these verses show us VERY clearly that they CANNOT BE DEALT WITH IN THE SAME WAYS.
...

"As much as we’d like to make Satan the scapegoat for all our bad choices, the concept just isn’t biblical. While Satan IS the driving force behind much of the evil in our world today, we have our own sinful nature to blame for most of our sins. James 1:14 says, “Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.”"
This is something we must remember vigilantly, because it actually empowers us to FIGHT our "evil desires," by ADMITTING WE HAVE THEM. Constantly pointing fingers at the devil actually works in HIS favor, because it robs us of the opportunity for repentance & correction, forgiveness & restoration! Blaming the devil for our sins blinds us to the root causes in our own wounded psyche, preventing healing and promoting despair.
...


"When we’re in the midst of a temptation, resistance seems impossible... we often feel helpless and powerless. [But] God knows the weakness of our flesh, and (in 1 Cor 10:13) He gives us a promise to help us have victory over it... God will never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear. This tells us we can have victory over any temptation we encounter. Nothing is too hard to resist... [because] God will always provide a way to escape.
...As long as we’re alive, our sinful nature will tempt us. Notice the wording in the passage above. It doesn’t say, “if you are tempted.” It says, “when you are tempted.” Knowing this, we’d be wise to set up this three-fold defense before we encounter a temptation: First, memorize 1 Corinthians 10:13. Second, look for the way of escape. Third, take it."

GOD PROMISES TO HELP THAT MUCH??? EVERY TIME???
Man that is AMAZING and LIFE-CHANGING news.
...

"People who [say "We're all God's children"] really mean, “God created us all,” which is accurate. God is the Father of us all in the sense that He formed us and gave us life. We are not, however, all God’s children. Because God is a relational Being, until we accept His gift of eternal life by confessing and repenting of our sin, accepting Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross on our behalf, and surrendering our lives to Him, we cannot be His children in the truest, most Biblical sense of the word. We are just one of His created beings."
THIS JUST SHOOK ME TO THE BONES, DUDE SERIOUSLY????
The scariest part is that THIS IS APPARENTLY TRUE.
That one line cements it: God is a relational Being. That Truth carries such inexhaustible significance and weight; how did we miss these grave implications?
...


"Initiative and hard work [both affirm] biblical virtues [and should indeed be practiced]. It’s important to note, however, that God is most well known for helping widows, orphans, and other needy individuals who are unable to help themselves. This brings great comfort to many who fall on hard times."
Oh man that really is, and it's also the biggest incentive & order to do the very same whenever & however we can!
We are all entirely dependent on God, this is true. But it does not mean we "wait for Him to do all the work"! Remember, God is RELATIONAL. Just like in Eden, we are created to cooperate with Him. That's where heaven kisses earth. That's where the miracles happen.
...


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I've realized why I feel so crushed & exhausted all the time.
I am absolutely overextending myself with prayer.

I'm reading 5 daily devotional books, doing all the Youversion daily reflections, saying 3 novenas, getting daily news & prayers in my inbox, saying the Divine Office, and then doing ALL my daily prayers of routine-- the Rosary, chaplets, cards, etc. AND going to Mass.
This literally takes about 12 hours total. Twelve hours. It's wrecking me. I feel pulled in every direction. There's no focus. There's no "finishing" anything. Everything feels incomplete, unstructured, disordered, random, and overwhelming. I feel lost & scared & anxious & alone. I feel like a total failure. I feel so far away from God.


Here's the basic schedule, by the way:
***all times are approximate and WILL be altered in length by OCD, panic, and/or dissociation, as well as by family phone calls & messages***
630-710 Wake up self & house, morning wall prayers
710 leave house for Mass, pray on the way
730-800 Mass
800-830 private adoration & Lauds
835 run home, pray on the way
845-900 get into daily clothes & clean up
900-1030 Daily rosary, Saint Michael chaplet, Terce
1030-1130 Cooking while saying Bridget prayers & Seven Sorrows
1130-1200 Cleanup while saying Two Hearts Chaplet, Sext, and reading all devotional books
1215-330 IDEAL TIME: eating while doing all Youversion devotionals & typing on morning prayers, Bible study focus
300 pause for None!
330-345 Cleanup & dinner prep
345-500 THE PANIC HOUR. Right now we keep pushing breakfast later & later, saying more unscheduled morning prayers on the phone, just to "prevent this free time from happening". We should say our prayer cards during this time.
500-530 Wall prayers
530-615 Divine Mercy chaplet & Vespers
620-750 Dinner while doing Bible study & reflections, or reading religious articles
800-830 Night cleanup & chores, prep for bed
830-900 Altar prayers
900-1000 THE ONLY FREE HOUR WE HAVE TO REST.
1000-1030 Bed prep, night wall prayers & Compline
1030-630 SLEEP, AT LAST, if our schedule isn't running overtime


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111223

Nov. 12th, 2023 10:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Hell nightmare

MASS!
Homily about MISMANAGEMENT & PREOCCUPATION with material goods?? "Too busy with the world to get ready for Jesus"


Evening=
God bless José and his sautéing garlic at 830pm

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KVOTD = Exodus 40:38.
Questions =
"What does today's verse teach you about God's Presence?
It never leaves me.
It guides me to where I'm meant to go.
It shows up in unexpected ways."

1) Sit with a second with that shocking truth that God's Presence DOESN'T LEAVE YOU. Stop doubting and denying this because of what you've been told by others in the past.
2) God always guides you to where you NEED to go. He's not so powerless that He "can't stop you from foiling His plans." Don't be so proud. God loves you too much anyway. Yes, you might still wander, and you absolutely do, but whenever you tap into awareness of His Presence, He WILL guide you-- just by virtue of BEING-- to where you need to go, where you're meant to go, which is right into His arms.
3) Oh we can attest to this one, rather blissfully actually. "No such thing as coincidences," and "God can use ANYTHING as a channel for Himself," as it were. When you're not even looking for God, suddenly, there He is. And notice, this isn't just talking about His Voice. This is talking about His PRESENCE "showing up", unexpectedly, against all odds and expectations and even sense. And He does. It's a paradox, because He doesn't ever go away, He's always there, but you might not perceive that for days or weeks or months, even years if you're really despondent. Nevertheless, even then, I can assure you, there will be breakthroughs, sudden moments where you just know God is there. Even in something so commonly lauded like a sunset or sunrise, a beautiful chord in a song, a butterfly or a hummingbird hovering, a sudden shock of rain or snow that makes you laugh in wonder, et cetera. If you perceive real beauty in those moments, real awe, you will catch the tiniest glimpse of God. And sometimes, He reaches in and embraces you through that keyhole and suddenly your heart is never the same. Keep your heart open, even just a little, but don't ever shut the door. Leave the light on for God. He'll surprise you, one day, with arms full of roses, even in the middle of the night.


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Universalis =
"For the Bible, Wisdom is not knowledge, such as scientific or philosophical knowledge acquired by study and learning, or even the sound judgement acquired by experience and maturity. It is the reflection of God’s own Wisdom: the Wisdom by which God creates the world and guides humanity. Wisdom is therefore divine, a reflection or image of God, ‘the reflection of the eternal Light and the image of His power’. Everything created is good in so far as it expresses this Wisdom of God... We need to seek out this Wisdom. It can be granted only by God, but God is eager to share divine Wisdom with those who truly seek it. This reading is given here to pair with the gospel-reading, through the image of keeping awake to seek for the banquet of Wisdom."
1) Wisdom is NOT acquired by human means. It is not found in nature, in intelligence, in experience, in age, or in logic. This is shocking; it shows that no matter how "wise" we may be by human standards, it is NOT "true wisdom" insofar as it is of our own merit & opinion.
2) In direct result, I have no way to define God's Wisdom other than what is given here. It's something you can only "know" by the Spirit, in your heart, as God gives it. It's ineffable outside of grace.
3) The STUNNING revelation that Creation was made BY Wisdom and FOR Wisdom-- to "reflect Him", even only by a trace, specifically by reflecting His Light, and to "show His Power," which is True and Good... and, arguably, Creation-- by being of & for Wisdom-- is also meant to guide humanity to God. I think Saint Paul says that in effect, actually.
4) We NEED TO SEEK WISDOM. It's not optional!
5) God is "eager to share." That's stunningly beautiful and moving. It absolutely demonstrates the "childlike heart" required for Heaven.
6) The banquet of Wisdom IS the banquet of the BRIDEGROOM!!


I'm pasting this bit separate as it stunned me=
"In the New Testament, Jesus is seen as the incarnation of God’s own Wisdom as well as the incarnation of the ‘Word’ of God, for Jesus is both the first-born and the summit of God’s creative purpose."
1) How is Jesus "firstborn" if He wasn't created? My thoughts are: Because, from eternity past, the Son PLANNED to Incarnate. Before humans were created, The Son-- Who Is Jesus-- had already decided to be united with them one day in the fullness of time; indeed, since He Is Eternal, it may be reasonably said that even before creating Man He was already the God-Man, the Crucified One. What I'm trying to say is= Jesus is the "firstborn" because He Existed before anything else did, and that Existence is inextricably bound to His Incarnation. So the Man Jesus WAS somehow "extant", if only in eternity, even before the world itself. OR, in another connection, the first actual creature was Light, which Jesus IS, and so Light's very essence & definition were effectively "already extant" in the preincarnate Jesus-- God the Son-- and likewise with ALL CREATION. Jesus IS Wisdom, after all-- and if Wisdom IS the "image of God," then that not only applies literally in His Incarnation, but also in how Creation itself has its beginning and fulfillment in Him, the "firstborn" of all that is Good, and the perfection of Goodness itself.
2) Jesus created all things. Jesus guides humanity. Jesus is the power of God. Jesus is the image of God. Jesus is the Light. Jesus is Life. Jesus is the perfect expression of the Wisdom of God.
3) Jesus is the SUMMIT "of God's creative purpose"= this is in the Bible. "To unite all things in Christ."
...
4) Jesus is also the WORD OF GOD. This is different from the "firstborn" as the "blueprint" of all that is real and good in Creation, by the eternal reality of Incarnation, because as Word He is UNCREATED? And THIS ties into His being the Summit of the purpose of the Cosmos, in tandem WITH His Incarnation, because these two truths of the Son CANNOT BE SEPARATED.
...

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From today's SPARK devotion =

"An encounter with Christ is always loving, but it may not always feel good. A true encounter challenges us because Jesus contradicts those things in our hearts that are not good. While Jesus is always for us (Romans 8:31), he opposes anything that might hurt us. When we encounter Jesus, he is an adversary against the sin in our hearts and the habits and vices that prevent us from being holy... "“Encounter” isn’t necessarily a feel-good experience. The word comes from two Latin roots—“in” and “contra”—which, taken together, signify the meeting of adversaries. To encounter Jesus is to face a confrontation of sorts. When we meet him, we are presented with a choice: let go of what holds us back from holiness and grasp the hand of the Savior, or remain in sin. Encounters with Jesus offer us the opportunity to become different people. One thing is for certain: when we encounter Jesus, we are changed forever. Even if we choose not to follow Jesus, [just] meeting Him is radically memorable."
THIS IS WHAT LAURIE IS SUPPOSED TO BE. THIS IS THE ASPECT OF GOD SHE IS MEANT TO REFLECT!!!
...

"Two people encountered Jesus in this way. The first was a woman who was gathering water at a well. Jesus called out her disordered attachment to affection and the ways she was looking for love but settling for counterfeits. The second was a rich man who had a disordered attachment to money that prevented him from [truly] loving others. The woman encountered Jesus and left changed, telling everyone about him. The man was disappointed and left sad. Both encounters were challenging, and both people left known and seen by Jesus... Many people experienced Jesus, and surely many encountered him that we do not hear about. But what about you? Have you had an encounter with Jesus that left you changed?"
1) Notice that BOTH challenges in Scripture were ABOUT LOVE.
2) AFFECTION VS LOVE, and the attachment to the former that prevented her from experiencing the latter!! Allegedly, she sought human companionship, maybe even romance, but she wasn't finding love, because she wasn't looking for God. She was idolizing her relationships. She was focused on the earthly, on the sensual & emotional; she sought her worth & purpose in the arms of men. Jesus knew this was hurting her soul. He knew she wanted love, real love, because He CREATED her FOR love... but only He could meet & fulfill that need as perfectly & completely as it was both meant & yearning to be filled. But love cannot be forced. So he had to bring her chains up before her eyes, and hand her the key to freedom, and leave the choice up to her.
3) The rich young man had effectively followed the Commandments "since his youth," and Jesus loved that in him-- BUT because of that very love, He pointed out the biggest obstacle to it. This young man "had many possessions." And THIS reflection alleges that BECAUSE of this wealth, EVEN THOUGH he was "following the Law" without apparent reproach, HE WASN'T ACTUALLY LOVING HIS NEIGHBOR???
4) Jesus knows and sees us IN these challenges. Those words do not refer to superficial, passing awareness or observation. They mean He KNOWS us. He SEES us, all of our time & space, right through to the soul.
5)


"The Sacrament of Reconciliation requires us to confront our sins and disordered attachments, but it is always an encounter with the mercy of Jesus."

Consider this. Really bring this fact with you to the confessional.
Yes, we MUST bring the worst parts of us right into that box, and lay them out in full view of God Himself (Who already knows all about them, by the way), but even in that deeply humiliating and even crushing action of contrite confession, we are not condemned. It's crazy, but it's true. In the very act of ashamedly admitting the sins we are struggling with, the "disordered attachments" and even addictions, we are looked upon with compassion and mercy and we are ALWAYS, ALWAYS FORGIVEN. Every single time we go into that box and sorrowfully pour our sick and broken heart out through that screen we rise from that kneeler ABSOLVED.
But we MUST be sorry. We MUST be contrite, wrecked with remorse even, truly hateful of what we have done that has hurt the very Heart of God. We must despise the sin so much we would be more willing to die than do it again. And God WILL heal us; God WILL give us grace TO fight that fight, even if we still stumble for a while in our human weakness. Grace is still given, like a sword we aren't sure how to use yet. But we have it now. And the more we go to confession, the better we get at wielding it, as it were-- the stronger our spirit and body both become, enlivened by grace and mercy, the heavy load lifted from our back more and more.
But that's all just consequence of the deepest point, the most important thing you must remember: no matter how blackened and corroded your heart may be when you enter that confessional, as long as you offer up every last filthy fragment of it to God in total penitent sincerity, He will wash you completely clean with His mercy, and you will exit that tiny miracle room a new man, with a new heart. Every time.



prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
 
God, please help me.
I'm exhausted, all the way down to my soul. I can't go on, not alone at least. I need Your help, Your ever-Present and ever-Loving help, to carry this cross any further without being crushed.
I won't put it down. I won't stop walking. I've made up my mind to follow You no matter what. As feeble as it is, I have consecrated my will to You. But "I am nothing, Lord. Help me!"

Please. I’m overwhelmed and bone-tired. I don't have the strength to run to You, but I can still look in Your direction, and meet Your gaze. I can still reach out to You with my entire heart & soul, even if my body is immobilized, paralyzed by fear & fatigue.
Please. Come to meet me. Come embrace me. I can do nothing but beg. I need You, Lord, or I will not make it through this.

Don't let me give up. Don't let me give in. Don't let me surrender to despair, or worse, to the empty promises of decadence.
When entertainment and "self-care" beckon like sirens from the sidelines, coaxing me to stay in bed and skip Mass, to go online and skip prayers, to "put the cross down for a while" and just "set your religion aside for now" and relax, rest, take a day off, et-fatal-cetera-- when the world sees my struggle of faith and chides that "it's not worth killing myself over it," then please, Lord, fix the focus of my entire existence on Your Cross, and respond in courageous conviction that, actually, it is the only thing worth being killed for... after all, You thought the same about me.

Even so, dearest Savior, it's not easy. You know this. It's a very bitter cup. It's a lot of blood to lose. Some days the mere knowledge of what's coming next is enough to chill my very bones... but I cannot say no. It's not that I don't have a choice. It's that I want to join in Your Agony. I want to share in Your Passion. It's insane, the world screams at me, and maybe they're right. It doesn't change anything. I don't want anything but You.

So why am I still such a coward?
Why am I still so weak, so timid, so prone to making excuses and cutting corners? Why am I still such a gutless chicken, scared of denying You as the cold night darkens, terrified of betraying You in the blind instinct to "survive"? What poor excuse for a life would that purchase? Now that I've known You, Jesus, everything but You rings hollow and flat. Nothing but You has purpose or meaning, scent or flavor, color or light. I've seen it all perfected in You and now I can never forget that revelation of Truth. What else could I ever want or need, if I had You? What more could I lose, if I lost You?
Life without You would be death. I would rather die. Give me the Cross.
Give me the strength of love to carry it with You, dear Lord!!

Maybe I won't get any rest for this body until I die. Deep down I'm willing to accept that sacrifice, but Lord, I'm ashamed to admit that when the actual exhaustion hits, I typically crumble beneath its weight. Yet I cannot expect to ever be free of it. To live a life without a good fight TO fight would be naught but a miserably unholy indolence. The march, the battle, the night watches, are SUPPOSED to be exhausting. They give honorable discipline, they build fortitude, they bolster patience & long-suffering, and they are all the work of humble obedience to You, my King and my Lord! You go before me in all of this. To refuse to follow Your example, to not walk in Your very Footsteps, would be an abominable abandonment of not only my Christian moral duty, but of the Love that both demands & inspires such total self-giving & unity with the Beloved!

So, Jesus, keep me that close to You, in all respects. Don't let me stray even for a moment, no matter how faltering my steps may be. If I want rest, I must look for it in its native place-- in the Sabbath, in the completion of Creation, in the Heavenly Kingdom... in You.
"Come to Me, all you who are weary and are burdened... and you will find rest for your souls."
That's what I need, Lord. That's all I'll ever need.

But, God, the irony is terrible.
I get the most exhausted from prayer.
In a way, it feels fitting. What is more worth suffering from, but worship? What better a sacrifice can I offer, but one endured for love of You?
Still, Lord, I'm weak. My flesh is feeble. My mind is worn out. I get burnt down to the wire and I start slacking off, dragging the lumber on my shoulders, trying to take the edge off the thorns, trying to catch a breath and sit down... but doing so takes me away from Your path. To seek "rest" apart from Your gentle yoke just shows that I don't understand what rest is... or what prayer is.
Please keep me close to You. Keep me under the yoke of love. Keep my sight set straight to eternity, so I will think nothing of both the shame & struggle we must meet on the way. Nail my faith to Your Feet. Nail my hope to Your Hands. Let me rest my heart in Yours, even as it is pierced by Love. Unite me so completely with You that nothing can conquer me, not even death, and I will find eternal rest in Your Arms, in that place where there is no more pain because all is at peace with God.

Until then I have to fight. And fighting is prayer.
So I must change my perspective, Lord. Instead of selfishly seeking "rest" from the war, I must seek STRENGTH, the strength to strive ever onwards for God-- and that strength is found only in the Cross, because just like true rest, true strength is true Love, that both conquers & consoles all things, and Love is sacrifice.

In the end, dear Jesus, I must suffer. This is a secret joy, when I know its purpose and origin and end. But it's not supposed to be easy. "I will not offer a sacrifice that cost me nothing!" The worth is proven by the cost; we honor by what we offer. And in a beautiful demonstration of that very truth, You are entirely willing to supply me with the very wealth I must expend-- You already covered my expense entire with Your Blood. To do the same for You is therefore the highest privilege. Everything I endure, therefore, is a gift both from and for You, an oblation of reverence and a pledge of promise. If I accept the Blood, I must offer it back-- and in doing so, obtain the priceless joys my Lord thus purchased for me.
That hope is my rest. That love is my strength.

Jesus, facing life without You is infinitely more exhausting than anything I could ever endure alongside You. Your very Presence can and will give me all the strength I need to brave whatever comes my way, all the rest I need to continue unflagging in the fight, and all the joy I need to keep my heart light and loving no matter how heavy this Cross becomes. It's still a Cross. It’s still my only glory. It's still leading me to God.
Stay with me, Jesus, all the way to death and beyond. That's when I can finally rest, without sin, without fear, forever.
Until then, Lord, please... let's walk this Calvary Road together.

Amen.


 

111123

Nov. 11th, 2023 09:44 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
Morning Walmart trip to get a new knife, so we aren't basically using a ceramic spoon

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KVOTD = "The Gospel of Jesus Christ-- the Good News that He is the Messiah-- is amazing and life-changing and something we are not supposed to keep to ourselves. Just like the first Apostles, we're supposed to tell the whole world about how amazing Jesus is."
This is about ACTS 5:42 which portrays the Apostles being actively persecuted-- actually FLOGGED-- and told by the religious leaders NOT to preach either in or about Jesus's Name. But the Apostles actually REJOICE that GOD had "considered them WORTHY TO suffer" shame & disgrace & reproach "for the sake of The Name"-- indeed, they were ‭"dignified by indignity"-- and "they DID NOT STOP." In fact, "every single day," "all day long," "they refused to stop preaching" "Jesus as the Christ," despite the real & imminent danger to their physical lives-- and not just literal death as martyrs, but also the "death" of societal & religious excommunication. ‭And yet, even knowing this, "‭They were happy because they were given the honor of suffering dishonor for Jesus."
And THAT IS HOW WE HAVE TO PREACH, TOO. We must preach the truth of Christ with all boldness of charity, and all zeal of compassion, no matter what the risks and dangers are to our own lives in ANY regard, because our only focus must be on JESUS, the Source of eternal life for ALL THOSE WHO BELIEVE. He is our true Life and the ONLY Life worth living... because all life without Christ is actually death. So we NEED to preach Him to ALL MANKIND, because Christ TOLD US TO, because He WANTS to Be Life TO all mankind!!
But despite this, despite the salvation & joy He literally embodies, so many people hate Him, because He comes as a King and they don't want to hand over the throne. So they try to crucify Him all over again... except now, as His Mystical Body, it's us, His disciples, who are going to be nailed up for the sake of His Name. We will be brought to share in His Passion, sooner or later.
And believe me, the way the world is going, we are swiftly coming to that point. There WILL be serious, violent, even legal persecution against Christians, even in this country, as the devil gains more power over our culture. We must never give in. We must preach Jesus CONSTANTLY.
...

111023

Nov. 10th, 2023 09:42 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Homily= make an account of your stewardship!
Also, "we need to be more creative & inventive in serving the Gospel"?? Something like that. Emphasizing how worldly people will go to very impressive & even genius ends & lengths to achieve their goals & dreams & ambitions, to defend or advance their cause, but we Christians can be scandalously closed-minded and unimaginative in our service of the faith.


YouTube threw THIS at me when I got home=
https://www.appleseeds.org/Newman_My-Mission.htm

...

Xenophon correction. Realizing the knee-jerk "it's okay" response to an apology DOESN'T HELP EITHER PARTY.
...
"Thank you for caring enough TO be sorry"

Evening =
National Eucharistic Revival "call to prayer" pledge-- REFUSED TO IGNORE. Signed up. Now we're a LEGIT part of it!
Prayed DVM w/o music, offered up that sacrifice "fasting" for it. VERY DIFFICULT, because without the music we can barely think straight??? Thoughts are super disjointed & distracted; "no sense of self," constant panic. WHY???

INTENSE PANIC over eating before Vespers. Feels like a HUGE SIN. I'm sitting here actually shaking. I think I'm going to wait.
No, it has to be a sacrifice. Be brave. Pray.
BUT is my refusing TO wait a sign of GLUTTONY??
Dude the devil is messing with your brain.

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VOTD = Titus 3:4-5 AND Acts 4:12!

"Out of all of the Holy Spirit’s power and gifts that we might be attracted to, ultimately the primary job of the Spirit is NOT to impress with signs & wonders, or to give us emotional experiences. It is to testify to the glory of the Son and to make His glory known. It is the Holy Spirit that awakens our soul to the truth that only in Jesus can we find forgiveness for our sins; in Jesus alone can we find freedom, joy, and peace. It is the Holy Spirit that opens our eyes and shows us the glory of Christ, so we can stop chasing after empty things hoping to be filled; we can stop trusting in that which will never meet our GREATEST needs of forgiveness, reconciliation with God, and salvation in Him. Those things can ONLY be met through Jesus, for there is salvation nowhere else and in no one else... I pray that your lives will be filled with the Presence and Power of the Holy Spirit, and that as a result you would cling to the Name of Jesus, and, like Saint Peter, boldly proclaim that Jesus's Name is the only Name that has power to save."
I quoted all that because really, it's a DIRECT RESPONSE to last night's Mallett talk about the "new age religion" of Self.
1) "Good vibes" are NOT proof of truth. That "warm and fuzzy feeling" is NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT, nor is ANY "transcendent experience" a new-ager may claim TO be Him, even "by definition!"
...
2) Jesus didn't perform any miracles for Herod. The Spirit is under NO obligation to impress you, either. His job is NOT to work wonders to "prove His power" or "inspire you to believe"-- and He NEVER gives YOU the power of working wonders for your own sake!!
...
3) EVEN AS CHRISTIANS, WE MUST NEVER SEEK THE SPIRIT’S GIFTS FOR ANY SAKE OTHER THAN SELFLESSLY GLORIFYING CHRIST JESUS.
...
4) Freedom, joy, and peace are ONLY in Jesus BECAUSE they ONLY RESULT FROM FORGIVENESS OF SINS.
...
5) Our GREATEST NEEDS are what the "new age" denies absolutely-- we need to be put right with God Almighty. We need to be reconciled to our Heavenly Father. We need to be saved from our selves, from our sinful proud rebellion, and we are obviously therefore POWERLESS to save ourselves. Salvation is ONLY IN CHRIST.
...
6) The NAME of Jesus has this most divine & efficacious power. That always fascinates me.
...
7)
...

The prayer continues to destroy newage heresy=
"Jesus, we know that You are the only way to eternal life. Salvation is possible only because of Your grace, mercy, and love for us. There is no one else like You. Help us to focus our attention on You, and not allow distractions to overtake and discourage us from what You offer."
That is some HEAVY STUFF man!
1) ETERNAL LIFE. We've been studying this all though John and honestly I don't think the newage movement has ANY CLUE what it actually is.
...
2) Salvation is IMPOSSIBLE without Jesus.
...
3) Attention is so important in this day and age, not just because of the distractions of "worldly pleasures," but ALSO because of the distractions of worldly FEAR.
...
4) DISCOURAGEMENT. That slammed into me. How often the newage movement DOES try fiercely to make Jesus's "offer" look like a ruse? They try to poke holes in the Rock. It's insane. It's sheer heartless blasphemy.
BUT this discouragement happens BY DISTRACTION!!!
...


Some striking translation variations on Titus btw.
First, these two beautiful revelations of verse 4's true depths=
"‭But when the goodness and kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared [in human form AS the Man, Jesus Christ]..."
"‭When the extraordinary compassion of God our Savior and His overpowering love suddenly appeared in person, as the brightness of a dawning day..."

Verse 5=
"God saved us"...
+ "on the ground of His Mercy"/ "in accordance with His Mercy" / "because He CHOSE to forgive us" / "because He wanted to give us a chance" / "because He felt "really sorry" for us"

"And not because we did"...
+ "virtuous deeds" / "works of justice" / "anything to gain His approval" / "good deeds in order to get right with God" ... "we had nothing to do with it!"


As to the next bit, being HOW He saved us, it's obviously a reference to BAPTISM = "He saved us... through the washing of the new birth and the renewing of the Holy Spirit."
BUT this "washing" is also called "regeneration" & "spiritual transformation"... it "makes us clean inside," "washes us inside AND out". It is a "purifying bath" that gives us "new life," by "washing away our sins" and "making us new people." It is the "water of rebirth".
AND IT IS ALL BY THE HOLY SPIRIT!! Without Him it's just water!!
"God has washed us so that we are clean inside. We have been born again, so that we live a new life. God's Holy Spirit has done this for us."
The Holy Spirit "renovates" us. HE "gives us new birth and new life by washing us," WITH Himself! "‭God saved us by making us new through the Holy Spirit... washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit, we came out of it [as] new people." He gives us "a fresh beginning," even "resurrecting us".
On that note, here's a bonus. Verse 6.
HOW does this water get this new purpose? And WHERE does the Spirit come from, for this sacred work?
"‭God richly poured out his Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior." "‭God sent Jesus Christ our Savior TO give us his Spirit... to die for us as a sacrifice to save us," "so now God has poured His Holy Spirit into us, to fill us." 
Reflect on that!! God poured out the Holy Spirit into us "generously," "abundantly," "fully and freely," "because of what Jesus Christ our Savior has done."
And verse 7 gives us the GOAL of this Divinely merciful act of salvation. In other words, WHY did God save us? WHY did He pour out the Holy Spirit on us, THROUGH Jesus, this Spirit that graciously washes us into rebirth, without any merit on our part?
He did it, first= "so that we would be justified [made free of the guilt of sin] BY His [compassionate, undeserved] grace."
God's grace "makes us acceptable to Him"; it "makes us righteous" in His sight; by grace, the "free gift of His Love", He "gives us His approval," all "because God is very kind."
‭God's justifying us by grace makes us able to "be acknowledged and counted as conformed to the divine will in purpose, thought, and action"... in this way, "‭God’s gift has restored our relationship with Him and given us back our lives."
But take it one step further: what does this restoration & justification do? What is the final result of it all for our lives?
"Jesus's grace made us right with God. And through Him God gave us the Spirit... So now we have received the hope of eternal life as God’s children." Yes, "God saved us so that we could be His children, and [therefore] look forward to receiving life that never ends... We are made heirs of eternal life [actually experiencing it] according to our hope (His guarantee)... As a result, we know that we will receive the good things that God has prepared for us. We know that we will live with God for ever."

God WANTS this. He PROMISES it to us. HE DOES THE WORK!!

Sorry for all the pasting. I just never quite grasped this before, and I found it all very beautiful, how intimately & powerfully & completely God is working in Baptism for each one of us. To quote the TPT: "All three members of the Trinity are mentioned in vv. 4-6 and are seen as active participants in our salvation." That is ineffable. The ENTIRETY OF GOD is lovingly & freely & mercifully working for our salvation, right now and forever. If THAT doesn't make you rejoice to be a Christian then nothing will.

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KVOTD = Philippians 1:27-28.
"We must live with a Christian attitude and lifestyle... to live a life worthy of the Gospel. Believers are called to "stand firm" ON the Word of God [and] "in one Spirit." This reflects unity to the world and honors God. Being "in one Spirit" means that our words and actions should honor God and reflect His Word of the Gospel. We're not called to just share God's Word, but to LIVE IT OUT with confidence! When we show love, when we're empathetic, when we have a tender heart and a humble mind, we are reflecting the Message of Christ-- living out a life worthy of the Gospel by honoring God's Commands. This is one way that we can steward our lives, living for the glory of God and honoring His Word!"
THAT FITS THE GOSPEL PERFECTLY!

The questions are very sweet & practical, which is what I love about kid's devotionals =
"What can you do to represent the Good News better today?
I can have a positive attitude with my teachers.
I can control my temper with my siblings.
I can be honest with my parents."

We don't typically think of these attitude adjustments as "representing the Gospel" but they REALLY ARE, and that's beautifully inspiring.
1) Positivity
2) Controlling your temper-- which is several virtues, notably patience,
3) Honesty-- but specifically towards those in a position of authority &/or influence over you. THAT'S when we're tempted to lie, in an attempt to save our reputation or even to wrongfully bolster it.
...


The prayer unexpectedly hits=
"God, thank You for trusting me with the responsibility of representing the Gospel to everyone I know. As I grow closer to You, please help me see the things in my life that I need to change to better reflect YOUR character. I submit my life to You today."
I honestly think I'm going to save this to pray daily. That's so powerful in its simplicity.
1) ...God trusts us. That changes everything. It's EXACTLY what we talk about with Outspacers.
...
2) I felt nudged to look up "responsibility" =
...
3) We don't just preach. We REPRESENT. And it's a FULL-TIME JOB!!
...
4)
...

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Oh man the guided prayer just convicted us HARD=

"Because God is always with us, we can experience true joy at all times-- because the joy His Presence gives isn’t based on our circumstances; it's based solely on His Faithfulness. Still, instead of trusting in God, we tend to let our problems & fears dictate our reactions, and this alone robs us of experiencing His joy..."
In this daily context, NOT trusting in God means we doubt His Presence IS with us. And we doubt THAT because we doubt that He really does love us & care for us that much, especially "since we're struggling."
...


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More Mark Mallett tonight, giving us really beautiful hope.

"Adam, Eve, Mary, and Jesus were all living in the Divine Will, as opposed to merely copying the Divine Will...These four alone… were created in perfection, with sin playing no part whatsoever in them; their lives were products of the Divine Will as daylight is a product of the sun. There was not the slightest impediment between the Will of God and their being, and therefore their acts, which proceed from being. The Gift of Living in the Divine Will then… is precisely that same state of sanctity as these four possessed... As Jesus taught Luisa, “to live in My will is to reign while to do My Will is to submit to My orders… To live in My will is to live as a son. To do My Will is to live as a servant"... And Jesus revealed that to remain in His love is to live in His will."
I'm pasting all that because I never realized there WAS SUCH A VITAL DIFFERENCE between doing & being, in regards to the Will of God! But it makes perfect sense. I mean, in one sense it's obvious-- we poor sinners are constantly fighting both the temptation to disobey & our natural weakness in obeying God's Will-- but in another sense, i never even dreamed that there WAS another way. How ironic, since the ONLY true Way IS JESUS, and although He did "obey" God as a Man, it was a "new" kind of obedience. It was a natural, unhindered obedience, that was the direct & inevitable result of HIS BEING, WHICH WAS LOVE. He had no sin, therefore no resistance or concupiscence, and therefore nothing preventing or adulterating His obedience. I'm rambling a little. It's just a total game-changer for us called to be Christians, to whom THIS GRACE is apparently now being offered??
Also, wasn't this actually in A Wind In The Door in some way? I need to look.
Let me try to break this down for the sake of thinking more clearly...
1) Our fallen nature & wounded wills make it impossible to obey God without struggle, unless the Holy Spirit is working in us?
2) To "copy" God's Will is to still have this dissonance, however unwilling. To LIVE it is for that Will to BE THE FOUNDATION OF OUR BEING??
3) Our "copied" acts are by choice, by free will, by struggle often, etc. But LIVING God's Will is EFFORTLESS?? "Their acts PROCEEDED from Being," NOT "DOING"!!!
4) To reign vs submit, to be a child vs a servant. That is so powerful and humbling and clear.
5) What is OUR doorway to this grace? REMAINING IN THE LOVE OF CHRIST.
We're reading this in John 12, aren't we??? Go back and REVIEW son!!

Also, apparently, MARY IS A HUGE PART OF THIS???
Have some more pasting because I NEED a stronger devotion to Mary and I don't "know her very well" yet, especially since i spent most of my life terrified of her or even outright disliking her!! Mom I'm sorry, I was lost and damaged and blinded by fear. But please, be a Mother to me now, and help me to embrace your role in my life more fully. Help me to know you AS my Mother and love you as your Son wants me to.

Here's the pasting=
"Adam and Eve were God’s intention before the fall; Jesus was the remedy after the fall; and Mary became the new prototype:
"The Father of mercies willed that the Incarnation should be preceded by assent on the part of the predestined mother, so that just as a woman had a share in the coming of death, so also should a woman contribute to the coming of life. (CCC, n. 488)"
And not only the life of Jesus, but that of His Body, the Church. Mary became the New Eve, (which means “mother of all the living”), to whom Jesus said: "Woman, behold, your son. (John 19:26)".
"By pronouncing her “fiat” at the Annunciation and giving her consent to the Incarnation, Mary was already collaborating with the whole work her Son was to accomplish. She is mother wherever he is Savior and head of the Mystical Body. (CCC, n. 973)"
The work of Mary then, in co-operation with the Holy Trinity, is to birth and bring to maturity the Mystical Body of Christ such that it participates again in the “same state of sanctity” which she possesses. This is essentially the “Triumph of the Immaculate Heart”: that the Body is brought to “live in the Divine Will” as Jesus the Head is."

1) THIS is why we are to imitate Mary! I think I just pasted a bit by de Montfort about this EXACT thing yesterday-- how she, of all Creation, is the most perfectly conformed to Her Son, and as she is a mortal human like us, she is our perfect model to model Christ. Her "soul magnifies the Lord"; everything she does points to God. But she is the PROTOTYPE of the "new human", in total loving conformity to & union with God, through Christ Jesus?? Like Eve, her choice defined the very essence of her offspring??
2) Mary's Motherhood is AMAZING.
...
3) THE "FIAT."
4) So the stunning answer to, "how do we change from "copying & doing" to "living & being" the Divine Will?" is THROUGH MARY.
...


I slightly touched on this but Mark says it far better =
"The Kingdom of God is already within the hearts of the baptized... but the Catechism teaches that this reign is not yet fully realized. And part of the reason it is not fully realized is that there is a tension between the human will and the Divine Will that exists even now, a tension between “my” kingdom and Christ’s Kingdom. "Only a pure soul can boldly say: “Thy kingdom come.” One who has heard Paul say, “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal bodies,” and has purified himself in action, thought and word will say to God: “Thy kingdom come!” (CCC, n. 2819)"
And that requires ABSOLUTE SELF-DENIAL. We must, like Christ & Mary both, give our "fiat," our "Thy Will be done," to ALL of God's Plan-- to the Passion & Cross, without exception. THAT'S true purity. It's single-heartedness. We must "lose our life for His sake." Sin is always distrust, always a choice of Self over God. We can only truly realize God's Reign within us when we have been completely dethroned... and that cannot truly happen without this new grace, without this "new being"?? We must be reborn in Christ, through Mary. That's what I'm getting right now. I'm thinking too much.
...We cannot purify ourselves by force of will. It's solely the work of the Holy Spirit, "poured out on us through Christ Jesus."
I'm too impure to be rambling on about this. Social mode keeps kicking in.

I can't be pasting everything. I just want to read.

One last bit of true hope for a stupid & wretched sinner like me.

"Surely an infinite God has an infinite number of gifts to give His children. Since the “Gift of Living in the Divine Will” is both consonant with Scripture and Sacred Tradition, and is the “Crown and Completion of All Sanctities”, let us get on with the business of desiring and asking the Lord for it, Who gives generously to those who ask."




110923

Nov. 9th, 2023 09:41 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Car morning so we HAD to get groceries because the freezer was actually 2 days short of being EMPTY.

Lateran Basilica feast day! Fr Jackson homily HIT = external beauty of churches means NOTHING without His Presence in the Tabernacle! Closing words applied this gravity to US!!!
We are "not just another building"; as long as we have Christ within us, we are HOLY-- we are "SET APART"

Combating unbelieving & blasphemous intrusive thoughts, accusing God of evil behavior, with the staggeringly worldchanging consideration: "imagine God acting like Laurie."
COMPLETELY REWIRED MY BRAIN AND HEART, SERIOUSLY
But really dude, if SHE can love me THAT MUCH, then why the heck wouldn't God?
Really dude WRITE A WHOLE ENTRY ABOUT THIS

Genesis keeping me car/shop company UNTIL social mode kicked in hard, and we "blackout depersonalized" to where Laurie had to be shouting directions at us in order to do even basic functions

I didn't addict-buy the lentils so Spice kissed me
Laurie asked if she should make a similar bet, but I said no not now I'm already having trouble thinking straight

Jade car shift, with them informing us of recent events
...In light of last night's discussion with Fr. Petro, it was pitiable? I was so sadly aware of how distorted & lost their thoughts were.
...

"Hunger irritability" really tough to manage, with the accompanying inability to focus or form a coherent thought

We made the stupid mistake of trying to sharpen our brand-new ceramic knife-- and now it cuts just as well as a spoon, haha. Ah well. We chucked it in the bin and we'll have to get a new one on Sunday, since the original red-colored knives we bought evidently don't sharpen because of the color, and the bottom line is that right now everything is mangling the eggs.

Schedule overwhelm and disturbance both pushed us to do 30m of BIKING PRAYERS before we ate, despite the fasting symptoms. We were praying for survival haha. But it actually WORKED OUT PERFECTLY, thank You God!!!

20 HOUR FAST man we have SUCH A HEADACHE
Update: it is PHENOMENAL how much difference just a cup of carrots makes, haha. Its like our brain got new batteries


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = Hebrews 4:16.
Jesus, as a high priest, is our INTERCESSOR! "He bridges the gap between us and God" FOREVER.
First: that term, in and of itself, is indeed exactly what Intercessor-class Nousfoni do in the System-- they "bridge the gap" between Upstairs and Downstairs, effectively.
Second: Jesus bridges the gap between Heaven and Earth in the same way-- He communicates God's Truth and Character to us below, and brings our prayers & offerings to God above-- BUT He doesn't just "do this intercession," He IS THE INTERCESSION!!
BOTH the Cross AND The Incarnation, united themselves, prove this Priestly Purpose, one NATIVE to Him AS united with the anointing Spirit in His very Being.
...

"God is not waiting to zap us, or point a judgmental finger at us. He is actually wanting us to approach His Throne of Grace with confidence, to receive the mercy He has waiting for us."
This is still so shocking to me. It's the exact opposite of what I was raised to believe about God. I don't think I actually had ANY true conception of this Truth until the past year or two. I just could not fathom God being this... this merciful, ironically. I had been taught that such gentleness, such willingness to forgive, was weakness and utterly unworthy OF God. Again, how ironic, seeing as how "weakness" is God's favorite canvas, even in us.
...


"It is essential to think about what Scripture is doing in our own heart, but it just as vital to contemplate how that effect should affect the way we treat others. Of course we want to receive God's forgiveness, but therefore we must also want to model that same type of forgiveness for others."
THIS is holy humility. Even our spiritual gifts & graces are given to us in order to serve & benefit others. We are members of Christ's Body; our faith CANNOT be solitary.
Also key is that word "WANT." It's not enough to "know we should" forgive. We must WANT to forgive, as ardently as we want to BE forgiven!
When grace is poured into our heart, it doesn't change us by "making us feel good," or "giving us consolation." That's not a change, that's an experience. We MUST be changed into CHANNELS of that grace we've been given, because it FLOWS, and if we just want to "take our share" and go our merry way, then God will justly "divert His spring" and we will be stuck with only our own stagnant pools. He WANTS us to share. It's not "our fountain"! It is HIS, and it is given for ALL PEOPLES. The minute we start feeling like we have a monopoly, we will lose what little we do have.
...

"This verse reveals a clear connection between rest and mercy and grace. We have to refuse worry and fear, and instead we have to come boldly to our High Priest, to our Intercessor, Who offers forgiveness, salvation, peace, and rest."
...Oh man this reminds me of that story I read many years ago and never forgot the heart of: it was about a man doing backbreaking labor for the sake of the Church and the Gospel, and often getting no physical rest. Someone asked him, how do you do it, with no opportunity to rest? And he replied, in essence, "I carry my rest with me always. My rest is a Person, and His Name is Jesus."
I never forgot it, because I never understood it, but wanted to. And now I can say that I do understand, at last.
Physical rest is important, and our body does need it, but it means nothing without the real essential-- spiritual rest. I can attest to this. You can sleep for days, you can lounge in the most comfortable chair for hours, you can take a month-long vacation just to "do nothing"-- but if your soul is not at rest, your body will NEVER be able to relax.
We need peace & quiet to properly rest, and sin utterly disrupts that on a soul level.
...

The prayer=
"God, please show me how to approach You with confidence. I know that You care for me. I know that You love me, but sometimes—I doubt my worthiness. Please replace my doubts with bold assurance that I belong to You, and You long to hear from me. Here I am—please help me."
The language here is tricky.
NO ONE is "worthy" to approach God, EVER, except Christ Jesus. We see this displayed to the extreme in Revelation.
But this inherent "unworthiness" we ALL have, simply because we are created and imperfect things, ALLOWS MERCY TO TRIUMPH.
Also, CHRIST IS OUR INTERCESSOR. Don't ever downplay the SHOCKING MAGNITUDE of that fact.
...
That last line is so powerful.
...

"What do you need to ask God to help you with today?
Boldness to share my testimony.
Wisdom to make a difficult decision.
Strength to stand against temptation."

You realize God WANTS us to ask for these things? And He WON'T glare at you for asking, or punish you for "needing TO ask"? He's not an exasperated human parent pushing self-reliance "so you get off His back."
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saint Clare homily pushed at me again.
Focus was on the UNITY of the Church-- unity between literally churches, between human members, between the Pope and all clergy, between the global Church and Christ its Head, between family members in the "mini churches" of our homes... et cetera. We all worship the same Lord, we all obey the same Commandments, we all follow the same doctrines. HOWEVER this means that when there ARE small differences in the universal Church body, like between cultures & local customs in parishes, we DON'T CLAIM OUR OWN AS "DEFAULT"? We humbly choose to PRESERVE UNITY, although always in MORAL RIGHTEOUSNESS-- if there is no sin or scandal at risk, then we should set aside our own private preferences and opinions for the sake of being in common unity with our fellow Christian, for the sake of God Our Father.
...This all made me feel VERY STRONGLY about our SYSTEM.
We have, jarringly, been lacking complete unity. There are too many isolated Foni, the Subsystems don't communicate, there are a disturbing amount of conflicting wants & interests & goals & beliefs. Why are we still so shattered?
It's because we spent FIVE YEARS in posttraumatic shutdown, you realize, and we NEVER HEALED THE PROBLEMS WE HAD even BEFORE that happened.
We just... woke up for good in the hospital and forgot everything prior and we've been barely existing "as if everything is healed and normal," when all we did was bury the past alive. Of course we're shattered; that's the whole point of dissociative disorder!! If we won't FACE the truth TOGETHER, then we'll inevitably suppress it by breaking into blinded pieces and hiding those pieces from each other.
...You do realize we're still not actually awake. We're still too lost in amnesia & denial.
...


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The VOTD prayer was unexpectedly relevant to ARE too =
"God, following Jesus can be tough sometimes-- I don't always know what to do or what to say. But You didn't leave me to live for You on my own-- You sent help! Holy Spirit, please fill me with Your power and boldness today."
Being a Christian is this strange yet lovely paradox, this delicate dance of simultaneous helplessness & empowerment. I DON'T have any clue what to do or say to please God-- the only way I LEARN is BY SCRIPTURE, the knowledge of which enables me to to both hear & recognize the Holy Spirit AS the Holy Spirit, APPLYING those Words to my everyday life.
I never knew I had this Help when I was younger, not even when I was Confirmed. I was convinced, wrongly but sincerely, that because of my unworthiness and sin, the Holy Spirit had rejected me. I didn't have any Protestant "born again" sensation at my Confirmation and so I concluded that I "must not be a real Christian after all." I figured everyone else could ask for His help except me-- I wasn't part of the club; I was just an imposter, a wannabe, an outcast. And then meeting the Mormons in 2009 made it SO MUCH WORSE, culminating in the devastating claim that I had NEVER received the Holy Spirit to begin with, not even in Baptism!! And I BELIEVED IT. I absolutely believed it, with both gutwrenching terror and sick "relief" that I finally "had an explanation" as to "why I was so evil despite allegedly being a Christian." It felt like I had been suffering inexplicably for years and had just now received a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. "Ah, that explains it. Finally I know why." But it was fatal.
It was also FALSE.
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

More Mallett. Focusing on him for now with both current events & schedule constraints.

"Perhaps you’ve noticed how similar New Age language is to that of Christian prophecy and mysticism in reference to coming times... We aim for a purified conscience; they aim for a “higher or altered state of consciousness.” Christians are called to be “born again” while new agers aim at being “rebirthed”. We speak about an era of unity in Christ, while they speak of an era of universal “oneness.”  In fact, the prayer of Jesus was that, through unity, we would come to a state of perfection as a witness to the world (John 17:21-23). Satan has promised a false “perfection” as well, primarily to those attempting to bring about this “new age” through the “hidden knowledge” of secret societies: Among the ancient Greeks, ‘the mysteries’ were religious rites and ceremonies practiced by secret societies into which any one who so desired might be received. Those who were initiated into these mysteries became possessors of certain knowledge, which was not imparted to the uninitiated, and were called ‘the perfected.’"
I'm pasting all that because it's EXACTLY WHAT "JADE" HAS BEEN SUBSCRIBING TO SINCE THEY STARTED THEIR DRUG TRIP.
1) The "altered consciousness" ALWAYS claiming that "there is no such thing as sin! Morality is relative!" and therefore that the "conscience" is "already pure," or even inherently so! This blindness to all POSSIBILITY of fault, this denial of sin as a reality whatsoever, shuts down the real conscience by passively dooming it to unrepentance.
2) I'm unfamiliar with "rebirthed" but I HAVE heard "REMADE" far too often, and that's worse.
3) Oneness vs unity
4) True & false perfection
...


"The economic, social, and political order as we know it is going to collapse. In its place will rise a “new order” founded on this “new spirituality” (which is actually rooted in those ancient “mysteries”— errant philosophies and paganism)... this “global government’ will respond not only to people’s cry for order among the chaos, but also to their spiritual cry. [But] this insidious spirituality... will lead not to freedom, but slavery— bondage to Antichrist and the dragon himself; [because] the ultimate goal of the dragon, and his puppet the Antichrist, is to lead mankind to worshiping him (Rev 13:4, 8 ): [just so, the] New Age shares with a number of internationally influential groups, the goal of superseding or transcending particular religions in order to create space for a universal religion which "could unite humanity". Closely related to this is a very concerted effort on the part of many institutions to invent a Global Ethic. This “Global Ethic” will attempt to blend cultural, political, and economical realities into one framework with a “universal religion” as its foundation. The heart of this spirituality is the “supreme Self”—me, myself, and I. As such, there really is no unity in mutual love but a False Unity based upon a false trinity: "Tolerant, Humane, and Equal." We are all gods trying to reach a “universal consciousness”: a harmony with one another, Mother Earth, and the “vibrations” or “energy” of the cosmos. We will reach this transcendent reality through a “paradigm shift” and “altered state of consciousness.” Since there is no personal God, there is no Judge, and therefore, no sin... It is clear, then, that Christianity and her indissoluble moral codes stand as a formidable obstacle to this counter spirituality."
...this is so explicitly obvious it's unreal. My head is spinning.
MY ENTIRE FAMILY BELIEVES AND WANTS THIS LIE.
It even has WORD FOR WORD hat ugly and demonic phrase my brother parrots constantly= "we are all gods," etc.!!
But THE IMPLICATIONS!!!!! Oh man I could never quite put into words WHY that self-deifying mindset disturbed me so much. IT'S BECAUSE IF "WE'RE ALL GODS," THEN THERE IS NO GREATER GOOD, and if we're not held to any standard or Law higher than our selves-- if we define our OWN personal Truth-- then due to this amoral atmosphere, THERE'S "NO SIN." But then there's also NO SANCTITY, and therefore NO REAL HEAVEN, so what the heck is your "transcendent reality" even about???
You claim that the "only thing EVERYONE can worship is the SELF," making humanity into "little gods" whose ultimate common transcendent goal is "self-improvement" and maintaining "high vibrations" and such things, therefore focusing ALL effort and achievement ON SELF... but then if everyone is a "deity" worshipping in its own temple, then how is there unity?? How is there community?? How is there love??

Oh boy I can't be commenting on this, I'll get even more confused. I just need to READ and PAY ATTENTION.

...We're very convicted, though, and just as deeply grateful for the humiliation. We have been VERY GUILTY of falling for these luciferean tricks. Yet, God never let go of our heart, which is a miracle. He never stopped leading us back to the Truth, irresistibly so, even if we couldn't see Him working whatsoever. His Love was like gravity itself. It still is.

The "gender issues," the seeking of "altered states," the hyperfocus on our own egodrama... we're all so guilty. Thank God we see our errors now, by the grace of God. Just, please, Lord God Almighty, don't EVER let us be tricked again.

One last thing I legitimately HATE about the "newage" movement, ESPECIALLY since it FOOLED ME back around 2011--

"When it is consciously received by men and women, “divine energy” is often described as “Christic energy”. There is also talk of Christ, but this does not mean Jesus of Nazareth. “Christ” is a title applied to someone who has arrived at a state of consciousness where he or she perceives him- or herself to be divine and can thus claim to be a “universal Master”. Jesus of Nazareth was not the Christ, but simply one among many historical figures in whom this “Christic” nature is revealed, as is the case with Buddha and others. Every historical realisation of the Christ shows clearly that all human beings are heavenly and divine, and leads them towards this realisation. The innermost and most personal (“psychic”) level on which this “divine cosmic energy” is “heard” by human beings is also called “Holy Spirit”."
DO YOU SEE HOW SERPENTINE THIS HIDDEN HERESY IS???
...

"this New Age counterfeit is not true repentance, but a false worship... [The Illumination] will be explained away in the most deceptive terms as a universal awakening of the “Christ within”... a “universal consciousness” being awakened, a global paradigm shift creating an opportunity for all humanity to achieve their potential of being a god."


On THAT NOTE--

"Our understanding of anger is generally flawed. We tend to think of it as an eruption of temper or rage, tending to emotional or physical violence. And even when we see it in its justified forms it makes us somewhat fearful. Nevertheless, we do admit that there is room for just anger: when we see an injustice committed, we too become angry. Why then do we permit ourselves to feel justly angry, and yet do not permit this of God in whose image we are created? ...God is slow to anger and rich in mercy. But that’s exactly the point. He is slow to anger, but eventually, He can and does become angry. The reason is that Justice demands it... God’s response is one of patience, one of mercy, one that willingly overlooks the sin so as to embrace and heal the sinner. If he does not repent, does not accept this gift, then the Father must discipline this child. This too is an act of love. What good surgeon allows the cancer to grow so as to spare the patient the knife?"
GOD'S ANGER IS JUST AND IT IS DIRECTLY TIED TO MERCY.
...


"Jesus has freely taken the punishment for sin that is due us. Our free response is to accept this gift BY confessing our sin, repenting of it, and obeying His commandments. That is, one cannot say He believes in Jesus if His life is lived in opposition to Him. To reject this gift is to remain under the judgment pronounced in Eden: separation from Paradise. This is the wrath of God."
I just realized-- in order for Jesus’s "taking OUR punishment" TO apply to us, we need to LEGALLY ADMIT OUR GUILT. If we deny that we are under the Law, if we deny that we have any debt, if we deny that we have been sentenced to death-- if we refuse to "own" our sins AND their due wages-- death-- Jesus cannot "legally" pay them off. To give a poor analogy-- It's like if your car was totaled and Jesus offered to pay off the insurance, clear your record, and give you a new car, for free-- all of which He VISIBLY offered proof of having already prepared for you, showing it was as good as done except for your signature, as it were-- but despite His proofs, your injuries and insurance papers you kept insisting, "that's not my car! I've never been in an accident, you insult my driving skill," etc. It's insanity. But we foolish sinners do that with the Cross.
...

110823

Nov. 8th, 2023 09:41 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

ONE YEAR CLEAR BUDDY!! ONE YEAR FREE OF UPMC & THE E.D. except for June but honestly it's been THE FIRST YEAR LEGITIMATELY FREE OF BOTH ABUSE AND ADDICTION SINCE WE WERE THIRTEEN. THAT IS ASTRONOMICAL.

Adoration Mass & Holy Hour!
Stayed overtime
UP CLOSE & PERSONAL. CHANGED MY ENTIRE LIFE

Decided that we ARE going to Adult Religious Education tonight because it's about BAPTISM and we are VERY UNEDUCATED concerning that essential Sacrament. Plus we want to be reliable and trustworthy, darn it, we don't want to be the "maybe" attendee we want to be someone who can be counted on to SHOW UP and KEEP THEIR WORD. And that requires sacrifices.
HENCE AN 1130 BK TODAY FOR ONCE

Evening =

ARE MEETING
PETRO TALK

Between Mallett & the Catechism= Chaos 0 weeping "I don't want this to be my name anymore"
TO MIMIC "YOU'RE COMING WITH ME" essentially
And to ME, "THAT'S YOUR JOB"

Night car switch
Just barely got to bed at 10pm haha

------‐---------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD= 1 John 4:7.
Originally I wasn't going to comment on it as it felt so "obvious," but actually, that's a RED FLAG for NOT ACTUALLY LISTENING-- because it means I'm taking Truth for granted, assuming I already "get it," when I DON'T and CAN'T-- not only because I'm being ignorantly proud, but also because Scripture is FATHOMLESS and there will ALWAYS be INFINITELY MORE TO LEARN.
So let's take it bit by bit.

1) "John is already practicing what he's preaching" by immediately calling the readers "BELOVED"-- "modeling the love God desires us to have toward each other", which is the very heart of the Gospel, AND the very HEART OF CHRIST. The love God desires us to have for each other is the ONLY Love there IS-- it's His OWN LOVE for us!!! And that HITS. By prefacing everything with that term, John is telling us HOW GOD LOVES US. We are beloved to Him. That's ASTOUNDING. And It is only by knowing that truth that we CAN love each other, AS individual beloveds of God, and that awareness makes it second nature to consider each person OUR beloved as well.
THEN the guy in the video basically asks, "When was the last time YOU called your friends 'beloved'?" And Laurie just LOOKS at me: "well, you SHOULD."

2) The LINK BETWEEN being "born of God" and "knowing God," and the fact that they BOTH ARE ONLY POSSIBLE AND PROVEN BY OUR ABILITY TO LOVE!!! "Whoever loves, IS."

3) "If we truly are children of God, then we cannot hide the characteristics of our Father; it's in our very DNA. Showing love to one another [therefore] reveals both who we are and WHOSE we are." Simply yet amazingly = God is Love, and God is our Father, therefore the PROOF of our status AS His Children IS OUR LOVE.
...


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guided prayer=
"Jesus, thank You for loving Your people— for teaching us how to live a God-honoring life, and sacrificing Yourself so we could live eternally with You."
Jesus's Love is expressed IN and BY His teaching us-- specifically,  in "how to live in a way that honors God." The ONLY way TO do so IS TO LOVE. And the only way TO teach Love is to BE LOVE. Even IN His words, Jesus spoke of Love in PRACTICAL WAYS, not as flowery ideals or comforting theories. No, Jesus told us HOW to Love, in both parables and exhortations... but honestly, the way He taught us how to Love most clearly and powerfully was THE CROSS. That was and IS STILL His ultimate teaching, the sum of the Gospel message, the very crystallization of the Love He both revealed and required.
...

"Even though it can be challenging, I want to love those around me because You love me. Each day, remind me of Your love for me and encourage me to love those who may be hard to love."

The only thing that makes ANYONE "hard to love" is our pride.
When we look at anyone through the Wounds of Christ, we cannot help but love them.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know what, let me list some VOTD translations.

1) The opening words are either "dear friends" or "beloved." Both communicate the essential dual truth: these Christians are BOTH "John's dear friends" and "dear friends of God"; and they ARE such because they are "beloved OF God," making them "beloved to John" in consequent familial affection.
2) The second bit is in direct response to this intro. "Let us love one another." "We should love; we must love"... "let's go on loving one another," by "unselfishly seeking the best for one another." It is both an entreaty and an encouragement. "SINCE we are beloved to God, SINCE we are dear friends IN God, we MUST continue to love one another." He does not speak into a vacuum, or from a dearth. He greets them AS ALREADY LOVED before appealing for love-- which actually implies the subtle truth that to BE loved IS the very foundation FOR loving in return--
3) "...BECAUSE love comes FROM God." This is the REASON WHY we "must love each other"; because "it is God Who makes us able TO love other people." So when we love, we "let HIS Love continually pour from [our hearts] to one another." We become channels and conduits of Love; we are never the Cause. But notice, the undercurrent is that we are to Love FOR GOD'S OWN SAKE. We are to love because God IS Love, and He alone must be our truest and deepest purpose, goal, and motive.
4) "Everyone who loves has been BORN OF GOD."
5)
...

"God, the world needs to know how great You are! You created us, You love us, and You make us whole. Please guide my words and actions so every choice I make points others to Your perfect love."

The very idea of that is so amazing, so hopeful and beautiful-- that EVERY choice I make, every day, no matter how seemingly inconsequential, CAN point towards God's Perfect Love.
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reading the Catechism on Baptism for A.R.E. tonight.

"Baptism, the original and full sign of which is immersion, efficaciously signifies the descent into the tomb by the Christian who dies to sin with Christ in order to live a new life."

I immediately looked up the etymology of "immersion", and this is the core of it=
"A noun of action from... immergere "to plunge in, dip into, sink, submerge," from... in- "into, in, on, upon" + Latin mergere "plunge, dip" (see merge)."
YOU ALL KNOW HOW SIGNIFICANT THAT WORD IS TO US.
And ITS etymology is THIS=
""to plunge or sink in" (to something)... from Latin mergere "to dip, dip in, immerse, plunge," probably... from PIE *mezgo- "to dip, to sink, to wash, to plunge"... "to sink, dive under.""
And that recurring word "plunge" actually ties it all together =
"to put, throw, or thrust violently into; immerse, submerge... dive in... from Vulgar Latin *plumbicare "to heave the lead," from Latin plumbum "lead". Original notion perhaps is of a sounding lead or a fishing net weighted with lead."
I love the etymology additions of "plumb" too=
"a mass of lead hung on a string to show the vertical line"... "perpendicular, vertical, true according to a plumb-line"...
And "sound" has this =
"fathom, probe, measure the depth of water" with or as if with a sounding line and lead, mid-14c. (implied in sounding), from Old French sonder, from sonde "sounding line," perhaps from the same Germanic source that yielded Old English sund "water, sea".

ALL OF THIS ACTUALLY HARMONIZES.

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110723

Nov. 7th, 2023 09:40 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
 

Very sleep-deprived this morning. Hard to think straight.

STILL those mean-girl kakofoni (new subjargon needed??) actively spiteful & hateful towards the "perfume woman"???
WHY.

Donation email Spirit-push during Adoration. Unexpected but surprisingly loud & insistent. Refused to ignore it, and immediately gave.
"Did I do the right thing; God are you happy with this? give me a sign."
IMMEDIATELY someone outside "friendly beeped" their car horn multiple times. I almost laughed from the cheerful wonder of it

Took SO LONG to pray & prep food.  Literally so disoriented and dizzy we thought we were going to faint. Glucose 80 though???

Julie won the $5 today, haha. Sharing it with "Addie and Audie"

...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Got this video notification and IT HITS HARD=

https://youtube.com/shorts/__8HNCtNrqE?si=midVWrzQMjKLNupy

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = John 16:33. 

"This beautiful world is fractured." Its only hope is JESUS. But "take heart"-- that hope is INDOMITABLE.
Jesus is honest about BOTH the inevitable pain we will endure, AND the promised joy to follow, if we drink the cup WITH HIM.
A crucifixion without Christ is just an execution. But with Christ, it is the very means of Resurrection. Suffering is transmuted only "in the Cup of Joy and Love shared in Eucharist," where "EVERYTHING is transformed in Jesus Christ," as Knife's prayer reminds us so profoundly.
The Eucharist-- the Last Supper and the Cross united-- offers to God a different Cup than the one at Gethsemane: indeed it is the very response to it. Christ drank the bitter cup of death & suffering to the dregs, and BY that very cup, poured out His Precious Blood to refill it with mercy?? His death and suffering were suffered FOR joy and love, to save us from the death & suffering OF SIN, to offer a NEW Cup of a NEW Covenant that would STILL HOLD SUFFERING but forever transmuted THROUGH UNITY WITH HIM? The Blood of the Eucharist is LOVE & JOY, because it EXPUNGES SINS, even though it still hurt to shed? I'm rambling. I can't type this off the cuff on a phone. Suffice to say, there is depth here that must be dived into. There IS hope even in our worst agony, solely because Jesus is with us there, and He gives it new purpose in unity with His Own Sacrifice.
Fractures are how the Light gets in, always.


Unsurprisingly the questions are very relevant.
"How will you take hold of courage and hope today?
+ I will cling to the peace of God when I go through tough situations.
+ I will not give up when I go through hard times because I know that Jesus is in control.
+ I will expect God's Presence to go with me when I go through trouble."

I need to take this bit by bit.
1) "Take hold."
2) Hope AND courage-- the two actually feel inseparable???
3) "Clinging to peace." What evocative language, and what a seeming paradox.
4) "I will not give up." There's heavy conviction there.
5) JESUS is in control. Not just "God," which-- although true-- is a "generic" enough word to give excuse to allow sinful depersonalization of it to creep in.
6) "EXPECT GOD'S PRESENCE."
7) The distinct situations = "tough situations," "hard times," and "trouble."
...

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KVOTD is Acts 3:6-7 by HIGHWAY KIDS and they always crack me up, just as consistently as they have good messages.

"Even though the beggar-- the lame man-- wanted money, Peter and John knew they could give him what he needed, something way more than just silver & gold. Peter and John were enabled and empowered by the Holy Spirit to heal that man. And you know what? We are enabled and empowered to do the same thing today!
Today's challenge: listen and be aware of what the Holy Spirit, and what God wants to do in your life. There are hundreds of little miracles that you can do in your world today."

Man that just SLAMMED into me. My sinful doubt had me closing my heart, saying "no, I can't heal anyone like they did, they're giving false messages," but that's devil talk. Of course you couldn't heal anyone with how little FAITH you apparently have in the Spirit!! And its not about big showy things either. There are COUNTLESS LITTLE MIRACLES that the Holy Spirit CAN DO and WANTS TO DO THROUGH YOU, EVERY SINGLE DAY. Stop letting pride quench the Spirit.

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Reading some more Catholic Answers today because our brain is too fried to process & type on the Expositor sermons.

"One of the tragic consequences of the mystery of sin is that, having grown accustomed to it, we feel naked and insecure without its familiarity."

Guess what else does this? TRAUMA & ADDICTION. Which isn't surprising, ultimately, since both those things only exist BECAUSE OF SIN.
...

Okay now there are tons of quotes from the C.S.Lewis book "The Great Divorce" which we've never read, but NEED to now because WOW--

"...an angel encounters a soul with a lizard on its neck... the reptile, which symbolizes lust... promised not to keep whispering dirty ideas into his ear... but it “won’t stop.” So the soul is ready to take his inappropriate companion and go back to hell. The angel proposes another way, albeit by steps.
“Would you like me to make him quiet?”
The soul seems enthusiastic about the prospect.
“Then I will kill it.”
But, on approaching them, the soul already feels uncomfortable... When the angel asks whether the soul really wants the pest killed, the latter begins to temporize. “You didn’t say anything about killing him at first.” That’s so “drastic.” All the soul wanted was lust’s “silence,” not necessarily its separation. And he wanted its “silence” because, well, its overt visibility is “so damned embarrassing.”
But the angel doesn’t give up. “There’s no time.” Now is the time (literally, since heaven is the eternal now).
The soul keeps multiplying excuses. “I shall be able to keep it in order now.” ...In the end, the soul admits its fear: in killing it, you’ll kill me. The angel assures the soul that’s not true. But “you’re hurting me now.” The angel is clear: “I never said it wouldn’t hurt you. I said it wouldn’t kill you.”"

EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS IS DESCRIBING OUR HISTORY AS A SYSTEM.

OH BUT THE CONCLUSION IS MINDBLOWING =
"The angel then plucks the lizard from the soul’s shoulder and fatally twists its neck. At the same time, the soul “gave a scream of agony such as I had never heard on earth.” What then happens is amazing. The soul begins to grow in stature, “not much smaller than the Angel.” His beauty emerges. The lizard, too, changes. From an ugly reptile emerges a vigorous white stallion, which the soul approaches and nuzzles. Then the soul hops on its back and, together, both ride off to the mountains—the heights—of heaven."
THE "KILLING" DIDN'T "KILL IT"????? IT TRANSMUTED IT!!!!
THAT'S LITERALLY WHAT LAURIE'S AXE DOES
BUT CONSIDER THE PURPOSE OF THAT IN LIGHT OF THIS BOOK!!
THERE IS NO DEATH IN HEAVEN YOU MORON
IF GOD IS GOING TO ANNIHILATE SOMETHING IT'S ONLY EVER GOING TO BE DEATH ITSELF THAT DIES
EVERYTHING PURE & GOOD & TRUE & LOVELY IS OF GOD AND THEREFORE HAS LIFE IN IT AND CANNOT BE KILLED.

...which is exactly the obstacle we have been facing for years.
We WANT to kill it.
We want to kill something God has created and put in us, and we don't want it back.
...or, at least, we are terrified of admitting it.

That brings us to the conclusion of the article=

"Human beings are sensory creatures. The world comes to us through our senses, including touch (which includes sex). Eros is that love which most directly affects the senses. It is powerful. It gives us “lust” for life and love. It drives us forward.
In itself, eros is very good. It’s when its power is directed in the wrong ways that the powerful stallion becomes the creepy lizard hanging on our necks. Saint Augustine was an erotic man. His misdirected eros led to many sins and wasted years. But when his lizard was killed, he became a saint whose spiritual vigor outdid many.
Catholicism does not ask we deny the senses. It does ask that we put them in the service of the good. The failure to control them leads to lust; their discipline supports love. “Love” and “lust” are not cousins... Our sensual world confuses them... [But] imagine what great saints would arise if that eros were channeled into true love instead of lust."


...CNC killed that part of us in a psychic suicide.
Last year, Infinitii died again, and took everything ze had held with hir. And the Spectrumind won't let him resurrect.
Why do you think the Core Bloodline is STILL shut down??? Why do you think the apatefoni keep trying to mutiny and usurp the position? Why do you think the thriskefoni have such disturbingly cold hearts?
We shot the stallion. That is, assuming the dragon devouring us even suffered a spinal severance. Did Infi count, with hir skull so split by scars?

Oh my gosh is this the prelude to an actual answer to my desperate prayers?? I can't get my hopes up. I can't presume.
But also I'm too damn terrified.

We murdered Eros because we mistook him for his "cousin."

THAT'S THE PROBLEM. THAT IS THE ENTIRE BLOODY PROBLEM.
To be completely blunt with you, in the most base language I dare to use.... I love eros. I hate sex.
And in the very beginning, when our hapless tween psyche was first being exposed to such concepts, sex was all we were taught. Forcibly.
...

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SONOFAGUN LOOK WHAT LITERALLY JUST APPEARED IN MY EMAIL

"There can be no marriage between heaven and hell. In fact, there is a great divorce. This is the argument of famous Christian thinker, C.S. Lewis, in his book The Great Divorce..."


OKAY HOLY SPIRIT I GET THE HINT
*OPENS UP THE EBAY APP*
OH COME ON AND THIS WAS ALREADY IN MY CART?????
"CAN YOU DRINK THE CUP"
*SLAMS THE BUY IT NOW BUTTON*
Listen man I don't make the rules but when synchronicity hits this hard YOU LISTEN

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Oh boy this next article is gutting me like a fish. I can FEEL the fearful resistance. Therefore I MUST read it and not run-- and WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT’S HELP.
Lord please open my eyes & heart to recognize and accept your Truth. May YOUR Will be done, especially in the ways that I have heretofore resisted or even denied. Please, guide me to receive these revelations in willing surrender, so I can finally see & cooperate with Your Purposes. I am afraid to change because I am afraid to die, and i see death here. Reassure me with Yourself. You know what is best, and what is real, and what is good-- I don't. Please change my heart to match Yours. Jesus I trust in You. Holy Spirit guide my thoughts. Lead me into Your Truth. Amen.

"Through the inspired author of Genesis, God revealed two things about human nature. We are made 1) in God’s image and likeness and 2) male and female. The first pertains, at minimum, to our rational, immortal soul, which sets us apart from the other animals. The second tells us that we are, at the root, sexed beings. Our bodies’ sexual characteristics are not, as the modern gnostics want us to think, accidental to who and what we are, but essential. We can’t change what God created us to be—not by mutilating our flesh, not by donning different clothes, not through attempted conjugality with persons of our own sex. Our sex runs right to the core."
And there's the guillotine.
Honestly, and brutally so, in reading that part of me DOES die. I "want to" close the phone, sit on the floor, and dissociate from reality so hard I don't exist anymore. It's a cowardly response, and foolish. But it's the honest truth, that THAT is, on a "survival" level, my knee-jerk trauma response. Can't fight, can't flight, so just cryofreeze.
...but oh man WERE WE TRAUMA-RESPONDING???? "Flight" by running from family & neighbors, rejecting all even vaguely feminine things? "Fight" by living as a man for a solid decade, even taking hormones to battle biology? And the fatal "Fawn" in our hellish history of continuous, torturous sexual assault & abuse, all involving identity annihilation?
But nothing "worked"; nothing could alter the Catholic & chromosomal testimonies. We were female. We were forever female. And we decided we would rather die instead.
...but I'm so tired of running from God. If something has to die, if a neck must be snapped, then...
...
...

"How we live out our sexed-ness, then, is not merely an animal pursuit for our bodies, or merely a spiritual sense of how we feel deep inside. Rather, it is an integrated and central aspect of our flourishing and perfection as human beings. Our genitalia are not “junk”; they are physical signs of a spiritual reality. We don’t merely consume sex like junk food or play at it like a video game because sex, by its nature and ours, contains and communicates the fullness of our dignity."

HOW. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. WHY.
I'm sorry, that's the pain of abuse & objectification. I have to bring that to God too.
...


"Jesus loves His one spouse, the Church, with perfect fidelity, even giving His life for her. We who are his bride are called to love Him with equal fidelity and with obedience, making possible an intimate, marriage-like union with Him, body and soul, that culminates in eternal life. All of this informs our view of sexual sin because sex is at the heart of marriage. It consummates the vows, making a sacramental marriage indissoluble. Over the course of a marriage, it symbolizes and re-presents in a fleshly sign the mutual self-gift that husband and wife pledged to each other. Offenses against chastity are thus offenses against sex’s proper expression in marriage— meaning that they’re offenses against the principal sign by which God has chosen to reveal His relationship with us."
...this kind of talk, specifically of a religious context, makes me actually so physically ill I'm shaking & nauseous.
I feel like an abused child, so damaged I've gone numb. "Do I have to?" I feebly ask, wishing I could rather die, but hopeless for any real deliverance. "I don't want to," I want to sob hysterically. "I don't want to have sex. Please don't make me." I'm a child, a child!! I'm not a bride! I'm not a wife! Except I am, as part of the Church I'm both, and from the time they stamped an "F" on my birth certificate everyone knew I was destined to be f*ckd. And I'm sorry, but the brutality of that ugly word is the only honest vocabulary I have. Because I DON'T see sex as some "loving and sacred and wonderful thing." For God's actual sake I'm a child and I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX. I'm scared to death. I feel like I'm trapped in a gas chamber. I have no future. Every person who looks at me sees a beautiful doll, a precious possession, to own and use and put away. Nevermind the cracks in the porcelain. That's normal.
That's not what God made sex to be.
...that's the bottom line of all of it, isn't it? I have NO BLOODY IDEA WHAT "SEX" ACTUALLY IS BECAUSE I HAD A DEVILISHLY DIFFERENT DEFINITION VIOLENTLY & VICIOUSLY INFLICTED UPON ME LONG BEFORE I EVER LEARNED THAT GOD WAS SUPPOSED TO BE INVOLVED AT SOME POINT.
...
...

Okay I'm literally going to vomit so I need to pause.
https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/sex-is-kind-of-a-big-deal


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Back to Mallett.

"If the Body of Christ is truly following her Head in her own Passion, then we will also be forewarned as was our Lord:
"He began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer greatly and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed, and rise after three days. He spoke this openly. (Mark 8:31-32)"
Jesus knew the details of who would persecute him and put him to death. So too, in our day, the main players are being identified and the antagonists revealed. In fact, the main powers are not even attempting to hide their plans... As it was apparent to Christ, so too in our day, the enemies of the Church are making themselves known."

It's actually scary how obvious the devil's work is now, in so many aspects of our culture and society, across the globe... and it's even scarier how, BECAUSE it's so obvious and shameless, it's seen as normal or "just the way it is" or even "progressive." Just because it's "out there in the open," people assume it's therefore "nothing to hide" or "not something we should suppress," etc.
Of course this is the most scandalously obvious in matters of gender & sexuality, especially here in the USA.
...
But it's apparent with violence, too. It's apparent with control, with lies, with manipulation. It's apparent with casual and common blasphemy, sacrilege, and heresy.
...

Romans 12:21 PEV SLAMS:
"So don’t do payback to anybody. Don’t do bad things to them. If you do that payback, it is like you let that bad part of you win. But instead, you have to be good to everybody. That’s how you properly win against bad things."

The last line says not to let evil "overcome, overpower, conquer, defeat, or master" us. "Don’t let evil get the best of you. Don't let it get power over you. Don't let it win." It's very serious language, and can feel daunting... until we read the simple and amazing response. We can do the SAME THINGS TO EVIL by doing good. We CAN "overcome, overpower, conquer, defeat, and master" evil works and schemes, BY DOING GOOD, which we can ONLY do THROUGH CHRIST. And THAT is why our total victory is assured-- because Jesus CANNOT be defeated, ever, by anything. We are simply bringing His Eternal Victory into our own temporal circumstances, for His Glory, as God's Children.

But as for the application of this to the warnings? Be not afraid.
Neither mankind nor the devil himself can control or conquer the almighty and invincible Love which IS GOD. Evil cannot win. All it can do is exhaust itself. So "‭‭Rejoice & exult in hope, because of our confidence in Christ... be steadfast and patiently endure in suffering & tribulations... and be devoted to prayer"-- pray "constantly, faithfully, perseveringly," "at all times" and "instantly"; "continually seeking wisdom, guidance, and strength" and "never giving up." Prayer is our anchor for it all; prayer is our direct line to God Himself. Never stop praying.

I'll let the PEV close this up:
"‭We know that everything will be really good after God fixes everything up, so think about that and you will be really happy. But if people give you trouble now, don’t give up, but stay strong for God. And keep on talking to God about everything."

Live like Jesus, with Jesus, for Jesus, no matter what.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

""Christ is always being born again through all the generations, and so he takes up, he gathers humanity into himself. And this cosmic birth is realized in the cry of the Cross, in the suffering of the Passion. And the blood of the martyrs belongs to this cry"... countering the spirit of the world through their witness... building God’s army—soldiers who would fight with faith, hope, and love, proclaiming the Gospel of Life... "This is no time to be ashamed of the Gospel!  It is the time to preach it from the rooftops.  Do not be afraid to break out of comfortable and routine modes of living in order to take up the challenge of making Christ known…   The Gospel must not be kept hidden because of fear or indifference"... Christ wants us to exercise our authority in Him now, more than ever… This is not the time for comfort, but the time for miracles!"

We really, really need this rallying cry.
We ARE a warrior. Somehow I cannot deny this. If only for Christ, if only BY Christ, then still, we feel called to be a warrior of Love, a Soldier of Life, a faithful member of God's Army.
You see headspace. Battle has always been part of our life, striving to do what is right, to conquer sin, to protect our soul. We cannot chicken out now, just because the trauma environment has settled down and the shakes have set in. We cannot retire, no way. We miss having a good fight TO fight.
...



110623

Nov. 6th, 2023 09:38 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
SUPER BUSY MORNING.
Mass & adoration
Store stop to buy tissues
Graveyard visit
Jade pickup
Cooking, laundry, shower, prayer, etc.
EXHAUSTED.
BK at the ABSOLUTE LATEST, 237PM. x______x
But EVERYTHING IS DONE!

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VOTD = Colossians 4:6. Relevant, concerning our continuing struggle to speak well to others at ALL, which was awfully emphasized today with Jade visiting & mom calling multiple times-- whenever we speak, we speak badly. Our words are spoiled & rotten. So we NEED this lesson today.

Very good video reflection on the "Salt" metaphor concerning our speech as believers.
For our conversation to be "salted," it must PRESERVE the integrity of the Gospel as we honestly preach and humbly defend it, and it also must preserve social relationships by always speaking respectfully. Salt SEASONS too, but "how we season meat is not how we season potatoes!" Different situations call for "different amounts of salt"-- not too much or it overpowers, not too little or it is bland-- "to achieve a proper & balanced flavor". Likewise, "each individual we meet requires a distinctive approach in conversation in order to achieve a harmonious outcome." The main takeaway = "our approach is VITAL when winning people over to Christ. Our words can be "both potent and preserving, both soothing and savory, both pleasant and poignant." "May our conversation be GOD-FLAVORED and full of grace and humility, so that we may know how to respond to everyone."

The written reflection expands powerfully on this, bit by bit=

"Conversations are a part of life, and each interaction is as unique as the person we're talking to."
When and why did we become so frightened of conversation? Is it BECAUSE "each interaction is unique" and so demands constant mental & emotional gymnastics, identity shifts & alterations, and a running memory of who you spoke to when and about what? It's EXHAUSTING, as well as existentially disturbing, to feel so pulled in a hundred different directions, every time you walk out the front door.
...


The prayer =
"God, teach me to use my words to show grace, kindness, compassion, and mercy toward others.
Let my words bring life and draw people closer to You and Your love.
Use me to bring Your encouragement and hope to people who desperately need it."

1) "TEACH ME." What a huge burden that just lifted off our back. We keep worrying, "I'm too corrupt and foolish, I don't know HOW to speak like this, what do I do, how do I even start?" God knows you can't do it alone. Human nature is ALL like that from the fall. But IN & THROUGH CHRIST, GOD TEACHES US HIS WAY, and enables us TO obey it by the grace of Baptism & the Holy Spirit.
2) THIS SHOULD BE EFFORTLESS if its real. The Holy Spirit does His work IN you TO achieve these holy ends. It's NOT about human striving or effort or education. All you need to do is be humble, be still, be receptive, and be BELIEVING that He CAN AND WILL work in & through you, as you have been redeemed by Christ and ARE therefore "eligible"!
3)
...

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KVOTD = "Our testimony encourages & builds up faith in the people around us. There's nothing more amazing than hearing what God is doing in someone else's life."
"God has given us ALL a life-changing story that's worth sharing!"


ALSO! Testimony isn't just about "physical healing," which is what I feel it gets hyperfocused on... but testimony is ALWAYS ABOUT NEW LIFE. Testimony is personal attestation to the saving power of God at work in our life through Christ, and everything Christ does is for the sake of giving us eternal life. So let THAT be your message. Even if Jesus has not healed your body, He INEVITABLY HAS healed your heart and soul in some way, through the graces of the Sacraments you have received.
Has knowing Christ healed you of slavery to anxieties, even if you still have tough days-- because now you have access to His Peace despite them all? That's a testimony.
Has knowing Christ taught you how to be kind and forgiving? Are you able to freely let go of grudges now, as you remember His Mercy? That's a testimony.
...Testimony is, apparently, ALSO ALWAYS about our RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS.
...

THIS IS ALSO WHY WE MUST NEVER EVER DELETE THE ARCHIVES!!!!
THEY ARE OUR TESTIMONY!!!

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From the Pope's Angelus today=

""What you say, what you preach to others, be committed to living it first yourself"... in the chasm between words and external actions there is the “duplicity of heart that puts at risk the authenticity of our witness and our credibility as persons and as Christians... Do we try to practice what we preach, or do we live duplicitously? Are we concerned only about showing how impeccable we are on the outside, or do we also cultivate our interior life in sincerity of heart?"

I always, always feel convicted & chilled to the blood reading such warnings of "duplicity," not because we're multiple, but because our multiplicity has a dissociative aspect. "Social mode" and kakofoni in general are the nightmarish proof and exhibition of just how lethal such duplicity is.
But... WHY is it?? With so many truly benevolent, loving, recovery-oriented Nousfoni, WHY do we have duplicitous foni as well???
...

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From Catholic Answers =

"Knowledge in the Bible is not something theoretical. It is something practical, concrete, hands-on... So the tree “of knowledge” of good and evil means the practical, concrete experience of evil, not some mere theoretical awareness. God tells Adam and Eve not to eat of that tree—i.e., not to experience evil, not to sin. They chose to experience evil. They sinned. We don’t really know what that sin was. What the Bible is telling us is that, at the beginning of the human race, man was confronted with the choice of experiencing versus abstaining from evil. He chose the former. He sinned."
I BEG YOUR PARDON SIR???????
This makes PERFECT SENSE of what we suspected but couldn't articulate and it CHANGES EVERYTHING.
Like we KNEW "knowledge" in Scripture means a "firsthand exposure" but we NEVER REALIZED THAT SUCH A "KNOWLEDGE" OF EVIL NECESSITATED SIN. You literally CANNOT "know evil" WITHOUT sinning. Evil "doesn't exist in theory" because of Matthew 5:28. You CANNOT "know what evil is" without the capacity FOR evil. It's why (healthy & safe) children cannot imagine the cruel & depraved things adults do. Evil is a viral plague; exposure infects you permanently. But I'm rambling. The point is: To "know" evil IS to experience evil firsthand, and to do that IS, BY DEFINITION, TO SIN.
EVE DID NOT KNOW THIS. She didn't sin before sinning! She didn't have a malicious heart that wanted to sin before the serpent even spoke! BUT she apparently had a weakness of will, a desire to "know" for its own sake perhaps? Like a child, she didn't know what evil was, and she DIDN'T have concupiscence (yet)!! She was REALLY TEMPTED. Satan is absolutely blameworthy, like a  pedophile luring a child into sharing his sins by means of a drugged candy, the very one her Father told her not to eat. 
...

Oh hold up look at this next paragraph =
"To choose to “experience” evil is to choose to sin. But sin is not a legitimate choice because freedom does not exist to put us in some position of "neutrality" or "ambivalence" between good and evil. Just because we are free does not mean that evil is as "valid" a choice as good. Freedom does not constitute the good: good and evil exist independently of my free choice. Freedom exists not to "create" the good, but to make what is already good mine. Freedom exists to turn the good into my good. Freedom is, of course, also used to turn the evil into my evil. The problem with [choosing evil] is that such misuse of freedom is cannibalistic: it is destructive of freedom. Evil does not enhance my freedom; it enslaves me (John 8:34). The use of freedom to do evil shrinks everyone’s freedom: the "free choice" of theft makes the perpetrator a thief who always watches his back, while his victims cower behind locked doors or lock their toothpaste behind the counter."
1) The vast majority of our life is PROOF that sin cannibalizes and enslaves the sinner. It is addictive even as you know it's killing you. It screws you up so badly you cannot escape on your own. You really DO lose the capacity to make "free choices." Everything revolves around the sin, once it is chosen.
2) Free will DOESN'T DEFINE MORALITY. But what an egocentric alternative our culture is promoting!!
3) There IS NO NEUTRAL POSITION.
4) Our use of freedom affects EVERYONE in ALL CASES??? If this is true, whatever the mechanics, it explains the effects OF original sin!
...

"The experience of sin throws our moral vision off kilter. Before the Fall, there was no reason for this... Neither [human had] any reason to distrust the other. They “knew” they were naked but “were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25). Their coming shamefully to “know” their nakedness (3:7) comes from a change in their moral vision of each other... In such a prelapsarian world, sin is not an “oops” we commit by mistake that suddenly assumes eschatological proportions. No, it is fair to say that the first humans, living in that world of primordial innocence, were even more acutely aware of rightness and wrongness. Innocence is not necessarily naïveté... Before the first sin, there is no “itch” of concupiscence bolstering the temptation. It’s fair to say the first sin was a calculated choice to do it (Gen 3:6) irrespective of every reason and experience that argued against it (Gen 3:3). But freedom is a choice— though, as noted, still blameworthy when selecting evil... Whatever that first sin was, it was a calculated decision TO disobey God and NOT trust each other, all reason to the contrary notwithstanding, in order to “choose” to “know” (i.e., experience) evil—“to be like gods” who discover the bitter taste of death and non-being, since, in the end, that is what the experience of evil is and the only place it can lead."

Oh dude this has TERRIFYING IMPLICATIONS as to what we free-willed creatures are capable of.
Eve had NO concupiscence. She CHOSE to sin SOLELY BECAUSE SHE CHOSE TO MISTRUST GOD?????
This is straight-up rewiring my brain. Man. Let me sit with it a bit, then break it down.
1) He's right; Eve HAD to st least have the CAPACITY to choose wrong and KNOW it was wrong, or she wouldn't have proper freedom of choice?? I mean, even the ANGELS had that sole instance of choosing offered to them, in which they KNEW what was good vs evil, WITHOUT SINNING IN THAT KNOWLEDGE, because it WASN'T EXPERIENCED??? It's so hard to phrase. Like, Lucifer knew that rejecting God's Sovereignty was the ultimate sin. Michael knew that too. They BOTH somehow knew the difference, but ONLY LUCIFER SINNED because he CHOSE TO EXPERIENCE THAT SIN??? Did Michael only "know" it was sinful upon seeing Lucifer CHOOSE to sin?? Geez I really don't know anything here. I'm just dangerously ranting. Forgive me. I need further catechesis before I can even think about this topic safely.
2) Let me focus on what I CAN hope to understand, which is that sin appears to necessarily be a breach of trust between God and man? If it "corrupts our moral vision" to the point where it makes us SEE SIN where there was none before-- like with how Adam & Eve being naked was warped from a childish purity into a threat of something unspeakable-- then it must mean we don't readily trust anyone else to do good, once we have known evil??? It's like, in choosing sin we put on dark glasses, but their very darkness is tar that drips into our eyes and forever alters our sight? We can't "take the shades off" even if we throw away the literal glasses. We're haunted. We're traumatized even, at least on a soul level.
...Oh wait, he actually says the answer to this. "Sin IS a calculated choice NOT to trust," as well as "TO disobey," which is a result OF distrust. But geez!! The implication that the FIRST SIN, the initial EXPERIENCE OF EVIL, was the calculated decision NOT to trust???? And THAT opened the floodgates of hell??? Just a seemingly simple decision, "I have decided to trust this serpent, and therefore, to implicitly distrust GOD Who told me differently", and all of humanity DIES??? And the worst part is, I BELIEVE IT. IT MAKES SENSE. It makes so much simple horrible total sense that it's terrifying.
3) SIN ISN'T CHOSEN "BY MISTAKE."
4) "INNOCENCE ISN'T NECESSARILY NAÏVETÉ"???
5) that LAST LINE, as to the subtle details of the original sin, which were FROM THE DEVIL. Don't forget He ADDED A FALSE PROMISE to his temptation and THAT is what lured Eve in??? Geez this is too complex to type about on a phone; there's no train-of-thought when typing on a screen. I need a keyboard. But that claim of the devil, that the very experiential knowledge of evil is WHAT would make Eve "like a god"-- what the heck was he smoking??? What the heck was the devil's definition of deity?? OH DUDE WAS IT HIMSELF????? WAS THAT A BOAST???? Was he actually arrogant and malevolent enough to not only tempt Eve into distrusting her God but to also USURP THAT POSITION IN HER LIFE???
...
...what scares me the most is how my own life proves the very nature of sin.
I... I don't trust God enough. I really don't. And EVERY SINGLE SIN I can think of is a DIRECT RESULT OF THAT DISTRUST.
And it's the easiest thing to doubt, that's the worst part. I'm always so afraid, so unsure, so completely distrusting of EVERYTHING, even of the nature of reality... living in a relativistic society, and having such a pagan past, makes that sort of "NOTHING is really real and you can't trust ANYTHING" mindset very hardwired.
I hate it. I hate it so much. What happened to my childhood credulity, my imagination, my faith? What happened to the faith of the SYSTEM, of the utter CONVICTION we had of the unseen, the eternal, the Good, the REAL, that no external cynics could shake?
...

But you know what? I think the doubt, the distrust, the fear that I keep falling under, is actually a crutch? It's a fatal excuse. It's the coward's way of saying "I am so afraid of sinning on purpose that if I just keep this agnostic mindset, I can't be accused of mortal sin!" IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY, BUDDY. Noncommitment will kill your soul just the same, because it only works by refusing TO know God, therefore perpetuating the ignorance that FUELS doubt and distrust and SIN.
The beautiful irony is that, if you just bravely cast aside all fears and LEARN WHO GOD REALLY IS, the knowledge of HIM is so beautiful that you will never be afraid again, and sin will be IMPOSSIBLE. There won't BE a risk of "accidentally committing a mortal sin BECAUSE I don't distrust God anymore", since TO trust Him is such pure joy and love that it effectively incinerates concupiscence.
Please. Don't be afraid of knowing God. There's another Tree to eat from, another Fruit that gives the only Knowledge worth having... and that most blessed Tree can only be found on Calvary Hill.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've just found Mark Mallett's blog and let me tell you, by his devout writings and prayers, God is very strongly and seriously unleashing grace into my awareness. It's fearful in its gravity, but it's paradoxically giving me this deep and unshakable hope, even joy? It's all from God. It's fear OF God. It's simultaneously wartime marching orders and the Father's warm embrace. It's proof of the Truth of our religion, a raw honesty about the state of cosmic affairs while still proclaiming the victory of Christ. There will be great darkness, and here is how God's children must prepare-- yet do not despair, but endure to the end with love. It's... it feels like my very existence has been validated, in this call to faithful action. Like THIS IS IT, THIS IS REAL, THIS IS WHAT MATTERS.
I know we're still studying John 12 but honestly, I need to read this too. I'll have to split morning & evening.

But as to what I read today that inspired such talk-- this is a prime example of the "fearful hope", that terrible glorious beauty of our faith and its reality RIGHT NOW=

"There is a cup of suffering that is to be drunk from twice in the fullness of time. It has already been emptied by Our Lord Jesus Himself who, in the Garden of Gethsemane, placed it to His lips in His holy prayer of abandonment:
"My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet, not as I will, but as You will." (Matt 26:39)
The cup is to be filled again so that His Body [the Church], who, in following its Head, will enter into its own Passion in her participation in the redemption of souls:
"The cup that I drink, you will drink, and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized…" (Mark 10:39)
All that is said of Christ must be said of the Church, for the Body, which is the Church, must follow the Head Who is Christ. What I am speaking of here is not only the personal trials and tribulations we must each endure in the course of our lifetime, as St. Paul says:
"It is necessary for us to undergo many hardships to enter the Kingdom of God." (Acts 14:22)
Rather, I am speaking of the:
"…final Passover, when [the Church] will follow her Lord in His death and Resurrection." (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 677)"


This is amazing. This is so amazing. Oh it's absolutely bone-shaking, no doubt-- Christ suffered His Agony for a reason and we WILL be brought to the same anguish even before we share in His excruciating Passion-- but what joy, despite everything, to SHARE IN Christ's Life so intimately!
I remember, ages ago, still a child, reading Mark 10:39 and feeling so strangely jealous of those Apostles. "I want to drink the Cup too," I would ache. I was never sure why. It had nothing to do with self-interest. I just felt this inexplicable yearning, this need to partake in whatever Christ was receiving? Even now I can't articulate it. But it's the same ineffable drive I experience to this day concerning the Precious Blood. I can't explain it. But this post just did.
I cannot be proud though. I can't even feel "lucky" or act like this is a gift, or a reward. No. This is pure grace. GOD called me to be part of the Body of Christ. I don't deserve this at ALL. Nevertheless, The Father chose me to be reconciled to Himself in The Son, and it is the Son-- Jesus-- Who unites me with Himself, Who makes me part of His Own Body and therefore a real sharer in His Sufferings, OF HIS OWN CHOICE. It is profoundly humbling. And yet, shaking in my boots, agonizing amongst he olives, it is still a joy. How could it not be? It's the Will of God!
...

I really want to sit and reflect on this for hours:
"All that is said of Christ must be said of the Church, for the Body, which is the Church, must follow the Head Who is Christ."
That is, effectively, the blueprint of my life. That is my daily schedule, my future plans, my point and purpose. That is my vision for each day and the road on which I must walk. EVERYTHING IS CHRIST.
Honestly this gives me a sense of meaning deeper than anything I've ever known. I exist to follow Christ. That's it. That's all. That's enough.
Don't try to sugarcoat anything though. Don't you dare try to round off the edges. Yes it's the deepest peace to follow Christ. And yet, in that very following, YOU MUST DRINK THE CUP. You MUST SUFFER AND DIE WITH HIM. You will bleed and weep, you will be rejected and betrayed and abandoned... You will be beaten and bruised, you will be mocked and stripped and pierced and buried. Do you truly grasp this reality? Or "do you not know what you are asking?" Be serious. Pray. Beg for the grace and mercy TO say with your whole heart, knowing exactly what is coming, "Thy Will Be Done."
No wonder God has us simultaneously studying John 12. Jesus's example in accepting this very Purpose is what we must follow, too. "Father, glorify Thy Name."

And NOT JUST YOU, MAN, THIS HAS GOTTA HAPPEN TO THE WHOLE ENTIRE CHURCH!!!
That includes all the old ladies at daily Mass, all the altar server kids, all the folks in the choir and Adult Religious Education group... it includes ALL Christians across the globe, whether free & thriving or persecuted and oppressed, from every tribe & tongue & people & nation.
You're ALL IN THIS PASSION TOGETHER because you're ALL UNITED IN CHRIST JESUS!!!
...


""Evil must exhaust itself." I have found, in fact, great consolation and peace in this word... Just as evil exhausted itself upon The Son, pouring wrath upon Him, it was soon vanquished by the power of the Resurrection. So it will be with the Church.”
Evil can be exhausted. That's the astounding part. Evil is FINITE.
And the CROSS is what PROVES this!! THAT'S the greatest consolation of all. Sin, death, pain, it all "exhausted itself" upon Jesus, and it was completely and utterly vanquished by the infinite Power of His Life, of His Mercy and Love all manifested in the Resurrection.
...and yet, evil MUST exhaust itself. It won't stop until it has emptied out every last torment onto our heads. Don't ever downplay the horror of that fact. You have SEEN what hell can do.
And yet, and yet... it will not triumph. It cannot win. It must be exhausted.




110523

Nov. 5th, 2023 11:31 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Mass day!
Cemetery stop
CAR SINGING
Fulton Sheen

Evening = panic attacks now happen at 5pm, haha. So it IS tied directly to the twilight.

Bulletin reading = SJE IS GETTING AN ADORATION CHAPEL????? OH MY WORD THIS IS AMAZING

PHONE BACKUP NIGHT
Music & prayers
GENESIS SINGING CODY FRY!!

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = We are meant to literally CARRY CHRIST TO OTHERS, like Mary, not just through our calling as Christians but also as PARTAKERS OF THE EUCHARIST.
We must live this out in simple, ordinary, everyday ways, just as CHRIST did during His Incarnation.
Examples given: saying hello and smiling, looking people in the eyes, genuinely asking how people are doing, asking "CAN I PRAY FOR YOU." No cowardly "pretending we're not religious"!! BOLDLY testifying to our faith in little ways, in ALL situations. But CARRYING IS ACTIVE. We must BRING CHRIST INTO OUR LIFE SITUATIONS, especially if He wouldn't "be there" otherwise!!! We are the "light of the world" ONLY AS AMBASSADORS, because the TRUE & ONLY LIGHT has sent us to REPRESENT HIM and to shine HIS LIGHT which He gives us in the Sacraments, by grace through prayer, etc.!!
But we must specially focus on the Eucharist, because that makes our "carrying" and "being light" LITERAL.
...

The reflection =
"Picture it: a big city with tall buildings, a hilltop village surrounded by vibrant farms, an oceanside community on top of a giant bluff. Cities are impressive on their own, but they're undeniably radiant when they're high upon a hill. And, they're extra brilliant when they're saturated with light."
Laurie immediately commenting "that's how we need to rebuild our city."
We really do. It's crucial, critical. It's a literal crisis point. We HAVEN'T rebuilt SINCE 2018. We're existing in literal tatters of floating space currently, and have been for a while-- just scraps of memory loosely shaped into a room, with no anchor or foundational space; no city to speak of, just bleached ruins.
The color realms still exist but they feel like a game screen on pause? Like there's life there but it's on hold. Still, it's an expectant hold. There's a tangible "knowing it won't last forever" and vibrant living color will return soon enough.
But Laurie made the key point. We need to ACTIVELY REBUILD. No passive waiting for something to happen. We GET TO WORK, and we work FOR GOD ALONE. We use HIS blueprints. We set HIS cornerstone. And we have to build on top of a hill... which, I daresay, must be Calvary.
We miss the blood and warfare of our past. We need it. The problem is, we had it in the wrong way. We need Blood given as a compassionate sacrifice, to save the dying. We need Blood shed in the fight for Love and Justice-- we need warfare fought in defense of God and His Truth. We need our heart to be RED again, red with blood and life and love, as red as dawn, as red as roses.
...
...

More from the reflection =
"We're chosen to represent God here on earth. We can’t do anything to earn this honor and responsibility of being a Light-reflector. It’s a title that’s given to us, not earned. Don't hide it. God’s light shines brightly when we're truly following Him; it is obvious and undeniable. But the purpose of carrying this light isn’t to draw attention to ourselves but to compel others to worship God."
Oh man this absolutely destroys false humility, just like the parable of the talents. Good; that message is always worth repeating.
Remember that God is Sovereign. "Thy Will be done." So what nerve do we have to passively refuse His Will when we tepidly fail to do what He CALLS and EQUIPS and TELLS us to do??
Of course we must never respond in pride, like we have "earned" such a calling, because the instant we feel that way we WILL have forfeited it.
The reading from None (2 Tim 1:9) actually fits into this perfectly, go figure=
"‭God has saved us. He has chosen us to live a holy life. It wasn’t because of anything we have done. It was because of His own purpose and grace. Through Christ Jesus, God gave us this grace even before time began."
Another translation =
"‭For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was His plan from before the beginning of time— to show us His grace through Christ Jesus."
With THIS proper perspective, we cannot be proud or falsely humble. This awareness makes us respond in purely joyful obedience. Of course I don't deserve to be chosen; but that very choosing of me anyway only glorifies God's Mercy all the more! THEREFORE I meekly accept the calling, and BY GRACE I can and will do what He has called me TO do... which is to BRING HIS LIGHT TO OTHERS. You cannot do that if you keep throwing a self-pity party over your "unworthiness," because those gloomy clouds will block out all the sunlight! Do you get the picture? We can only "be the light of the world" by abandoning all human notions of "deserving" or "earning" and just obeying with love.
That is what finally brings us to the next bit: DON'T HIDE IT. To deny such a calling is an act of PRIDE, done out of "fear of shame" or ridicule. It means you haven't embraced the calling as a gift-- as a divine charge for exalting your FATHER'S holy reputation! It's not about your ego!
Honestly this all proves that without a childlike heart, we CANNOT be lights to the world.
...

Paraphrasing & adding to the prayer=
"When we live as God's servants and let Him inspire every thought, word, and action we have, His Light shines unhindered through us to illuminate the darkness of our world, drawing people to Him by our witness."
Again, this is how the System has to function as a united whole.
We've always had "light" as a key part of our soul, and this is why-- God has been calling us to this fulfillment of that predisposition.
...

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KVOTD = Acts 2:42-44. the importance of BOTH "daily holy habits" to "get to know God better" AND fellowship with other believers for that same purpose???
"Continual devotion," "giving their full attention to teaching the Gospel," "eating and praying together," etc. Emphasis on CONSISTENT & LOYAL REPETITION. We must specifically and consciously take time each day to pray, talk to God, sing hymns, learn about God's Character, etc.
That's all solid advice but I am so stunned by the inclusion of FELLOWSHIP. It's the injunction to do such daily holy habits TOGETHER.
...
The verse makes a point that this fellowship BLESSED them, so much that MIRACLES were being worked through them AS A COMMUNITY OF BELIEVERS. Alone they would never have obtained such grace, and understandably not-- because the BODY OF CHRIST IS NOW THE CHURCH.
...

"The more time we take each day to spend time with God, continually, the more we'll experience Him in our lives."

And dude THIS actually ties in with the Basilica's homily today!!
https://www.youtube.com/live/cSj7uruWtZY?si=5B9CHi6gqEI96JjA
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Starting the Expositor's Commentary today.
I really love these; they're more like sermons, and they're truly inspiring.

"They did not want to exclude Jesus, but they wanted to see someone else. So they went for a double motive. [They had] Mixed Motives: [acting] not for one reason, but for another reason, and for a third reason that may not take upon itself the form of words-- that other reason that always lies back of everything, that will not come to the front, that influences the whole intellectual and spiritual movement, and is yet an unconfessed or unavowed reason. Then what wonder that we should be the subjects of mixed motives in relation to the Christian religion, when we act under mixed motives [within] all the spheres and aspects of human development... We are in this respect as in others, wounds and bruises and putrefying sores. We dare not analyse our own motives; we sometimes, so to speak, slur them over, encouraging, it may be, the best of them, but still being profoundly conscious of the worst of them."
And therefore this is absolutely a necessary topic for System investigation & discussion.
1) The "one reason" is the professed reason, the apparently primary motive or goal, the evident & communicable reason. It is normal, proper, socially acceptable. But "another reason" is something more private & personal, for good or ill, that motivates us just as strongly-- maybe even moreso, secretly-- and which we will not disclose outright. "They wanted to see Lazarus." In a paradox, this "another reason" becomes our "main reason," despite being suppressed or even denied.
HOWEVER. THERE'S A THIRD ONE. And that's where the System needs to talk. After all, what is it that made them want to see Lazarus moreso than Jesus? What is that deeper, even visceral motive or desire, that definitive want or wish, that root of all your reasoning, that drives you onwards despite all the details? What general goal transcends all the particulars? What is it that you're REALLY looking for?
2) Those "third motives" I fear really are wounds, bruises and sores. What other kind of motive would hide so darkly, if not something so painful?
Note the differences too.
A bruise is an impact wound, an internal bleeding, that makes movement difficult and touch painful.
A sore is an inflammation, an unnatural irritation... putrefaction means it is already rotting alive.
A wound is a violent breaking-into, a breach of security and wholeness, a cutting or piercing or tearing, and it leaves you vulnerable and forced-open. You bleed.
...
...

"[See] how merciful God is in taking us at our best. For example, in making a Christian profession we do not always make it 'for Jesus' sake only'. There are many reasons why some men attach themselves to the Church. A man may be in the Church and out of it at the same time; the soul may be far away from the very altar at which the knees are bent. We are here today, as on every other day, under the influence of divers feelings, mixed feelings, and God knows where the manhood is weakest and where it is strongest. Throw yourselves into the hands of God, and even your imperfect prayers and professions may be completed according to the scale of God's benevolence."
The basic consolation here seems to be, "even if your motives are mixed, Jesus is still one of those motives, and He has brought you to His religion and His Church. Even if you are torn and distracted, you have come to worship Him. Despite your human weakness and folly, you still come to kneel at God's altar. And even if your prayers are distracted and dry, even rushed or compulsory, you are still choosing to pray anyway. God sees your smoking flax and He will not quench it; indeed, in His gracious mercy, He may even stoke it into a leaping flame. So don't quit. Don't ever give up. Do not despair. However mixed your motives may still be, let them nevertheless lead you to God. He will meet you in the way, and your heart will be changed at last."


"My dear brother, engaged in any department of Christian service, preaching, or music, or visiting, or writing books, or doing anything whatsoever, take heart of grace in this thought, that God knows all about [your wounded motives]. It is better to fall into the hands of God than into the hands of men. When you hear the voices of hostile criticism, do not be too much cast down by it; there is another voice-- God grant that we may hear it!-- saying, "well done so far; try again, you have not yet attained, but keep on pressing toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ; though you are faint, yet be pursuing, and though there may steal in upon your most spiritual moments some secular anxieties and degradations, leave all to God, and He will be just, gracious, and tender exceedingly."
This means a great deal to me.
1) Remember this is still under the general sermon topic of ambivalence of heart-- of "wounded motives," especially in tragic regard to Christian service.
...
2) GOD DOESN'T SPEAK HOSTILE CRITICISM.
...
3) That "other voice" is SO merciful i can barely believe it. Could God really be that kind? That's not a sin?
...



"What is it that those whom we know, among the poor, quite as much as among the educated, who clearly see Jesus, what is it which has enabled them to see? ...an immense belief in the Holy Ghost. They really believe that the Holy Spirit takes of Christ and shows Him to us...The Holy Ghost has no favourites. Every layman, every woman can kneel down; the Holy Ghost, hovering over them, longing to sanctify them, will show them Jesus if they ask. In other words, prayerful dependence upon the Holy Ghost is possible for everyone."
Every time I read such a tender description of God-- a God genuinely concerned for our spiritual welfare, personally involved in our individual lives, and not just willing but longing to help us even to the utmost of His omnipotence-- it just... it amazes me. I never knew God was like this. He cares this much?? He WANTS to help us in our weakness? He's NOT disgusted with me? He DOESN'T want to avoid or ignore me? I'm astonished. It's almost frightening. I don't know how to respond to tenderness. It's that exact quote from Charles Bukowski: "I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower, I can’t quite make out what it is. It takes time." It takes the Holy Spirit.
...but I cannot deny it, either. As shocking as such divine gentleness is, I cannot possibly doubt it. Isn't that strange? I can absolutely express my bewilderment, but I'd never claim it wasn't God's honest Truth, pun absolutely intended.
But to continue with the commentary... to trust so completely and surely in the work of the Holy Ghost IS to trust in His tender care and love for us. For Him to show Christ to us at all IS a work of the most magnificent compassion and mercy. It's pure grace. It's also a direct response to our faith. WE NEED TO ASK HIM TO, FIRST. Grace is never forced on us. Grace is inherently cooperative. Grace doesn't just stands at the door and knock-- Grace also brings gifts, which He constantly offers and would gladly lavish on us if we would only have faith that He would give them, that we could receive them, and that they were real. I'm getting a bit off topic.
The Holy Spirit’s main job, as the Gospel says, is to "guide us into the fullness of Truth," because "He will speak only what He hears from God," and "He will glorify Christ" because "He will take what is Christ's and reveal it to us," and "everything that the Father has IS Christ’s." (This revelation of Christ is also how the Spirit "proves the world wrong about sin & righteousness & judgment," because our knowing the reality of those things depends on our knowing the truth that Christ is God Incarnate.)
So the Spirit only speaks God's Truth, which is "in its fullness" in Christ, and therefore reveals Christ in HIS fullness to us-- reveals the "many more things" which Christ couldn't reveal to us Himself as we "could not bear them yet". But in all this, the point is, the Holy Spirit enables us TO "see Jesus" in a way so real, so true, so personal, that nothing in this world-- not even the teachings of humans in the Church-- could ever compare. This revelation of Christ, this "giving us eyes TO see Him", is the Holy Spirit’s JOB, really, and He LONGS to do it... But we must ASK.
And then we must LET HIM SANCTIFY US.
First, No one can see Christ with diseased eyes. Second, remember Isaiah 6. Remember Revelation 1.
...
(prayerful dependence)
...


"Why it is that we should desire to see Jesus? Because He Wishes Us to See Him... the whole tenor of Scripture makes it plain that He wishes us to do so. He said 'Look unto Me and be saved, all ye ends of the earth,' and blamed His ancient people because they didn't look to the Holy One of Israel... surely we cannot expect Him to have changed in this respect! Who can doubt that He will welcome everybody who strives to see Him as He is?"

Oh man, this is an amazing paradox.
In the OT, to "seek God" was to DIE. But in the NT, to not see God was to die! And yet they are BOTH TRUE.
...
Secondly... despite this difference in respect to one facet of language, the underlying and overarching truth in all of Scripture is that God wants to be seen. It really is everywhere. He wants us to "look to Him," "look FOR Him," "seek His Face"... the Incarnation Itself is incontrovertibly absolute PROOF that God wants to be seen, on an even more intimate level than the OT was ready or even able to comprehend. 
And God doesn't change. As a human, as Jesus Christ, God personally looked into the human eyes of the lowliest folks and He longed for them to genuinely meet His gaze. It's astounding. THAT is what God is like.
That last line shocked me though, because I've been TOLD by some people NOT to go "trying to learn more about Christ than what the Bible alone says." But the more devotional art I see, and the more approved private revelations I read, and the more I talk to Him in headspace... THAT is where I suddenly realize the aspects of His Character that ARE in Scripture but hidden like treasure within the words-- I couldn't recognize them well enough just by reading alone; I needed to experience them to understand. I needed to SEE HIM.
...Suddenly I realize WHY Jesus calls us to be "light to the world." Suddenly I understand Mother Theresa's perspective. Suddenly I get how and why the Church is INHERENTLY "us united with Jesus." God wants to be seen, and not just seen, but known-- to be heard and touched and welcomed and wanted. He wants to be seen as He Is-- as a Trinity, as a family, as a relationship, as Love. God wants to be seen as He has revealed Himself to us, and He did so in the Person of Jesus Christ-- God made Man, God sharing not just our joys but our sorrows, our weaknesses and fears, even our death... God forgiving us at the highest personal cost and paying off our infinite debt... God loving us to the end. God satisfying Divine Justice with Divine Mercy. God crushing sin underfoot but washing the feet of sinners. God making an eternal Covenant with us through His Own Blood.
It's not just words on a page. It's LIVING AND EFFECTIVE, right now. Jesus is alive and unchanging and He wants us to see Him... but without faith, we're blind.
 

110423

Nov. 4th, 2023 11:31 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Anxiety hell morning.
No idea which of FOUR OPTIONS was "morally right" and "prudent" for going to Mass. POSSIBLE MORTAL SIN EVERYWHERE.

So anxious we were paralyzed and shaking. Unable to think, pray, eat or drink.

Fulton Sheen
Mom call
Knock Mass
...

Walked to SJE
LEAF HOMILY!!! third time, haha. we don't mind it hit THAT HARD
"When autumn comes, every year, I wish it could last forever, but that isn't possible. Within a week, the leaves will already start to fall... When we see the maple trees exploding in red, we say, "how beautiful!" But then we realize what is happening. The tree is dying. Something is dying, and it is beautiful."

Some archiving!
TOUCHPAD FAIL
seriously dude i have no idea what the heck we were thinking but we were trying to fix our touchpad's jumpy sensitivity and we clicked the "off" button. 
Cue two solid minutes of panic so intense it turned to numb dread, until we realized we could use the tab key and spacebar to fix it. Oh man it felt like the world was ending, haha. Looking back it's hilarious, but in the moment, it was literally a possibility that we had been locked permanently out of our only means of archiving and typing. We would have lost our ONLY coping mechanism. So yeah, we freaked out, in that respect.
STILL BUDDY WHY DID YOU CLICK THE BIG RED BUTTON, i'm telling you man this is what sleep deprivation will do to you

Jade pickup
telling them about the touchpad stupidity and laughing so hard at ourself. i cannot remember the last time we laughed at ALL.
Sandım ki drive home

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MDE = two very striking ideas.
First, THE COMMUNION OF SAINTS, and visionaries who can see them calling them "their friends," praying to them that familiarly and living in "close proximity" with them. And THAT HAS TERRIFIED US SINCE CHILDHOOD. It still does, tragically. We know we need to get over this, but we're genuinely so scared of being "haunted and watched" by literally thousands of invisible souls, as we struggle in our panicked mess of a life, and we're OBLIGATED TO TALK TO THEM. It's like unending social mode and the very thought of it drives us close to despair. That CAN'T be what the reality is.
We're so ashamed of our mental problems. We have so many intrusive thoughts and automatic words, we suffer from constant OCD compulsions, our body is a humiliating filthy wreck, our brain keeps looping sounds and flashing images to distressing extents, et cetera. The thought of ALL THESE HOLY PEOPLE WATCHING US AND EXPECTING US TO TALK TO THEM THE ENTIRE TIME is torturous.
We refuse to call any Saint our "friend" because 1. We don't have that right, and to claim it would be unspeakably proud and rude, 2. We don't know how to have friends or be a friend, 3. To make such a claim of holy association and then to keep struggling as a wicked sinner would be a grave sin, 4. Our intrusive thoughts LATCH ON to the "friend" concept and immediately start spitting blasphemies about them. 
Also, don't forget we're technically an ex-pagan. We have DEALT WITH THIS BEFORE, with plethoras of "guiding spirits" and pantheons of "lesser gods" ALL haunting us CONSTANTLY, all giving instructions and advice and teaching and warning, causing nonstop noise and moral panic. And the INSTANT you "give one your attention", the SECOND you think of a name, the VERY MOMENT you even consider their existence, THERE THEY ARE, TALKING AND WATCHING YOU, and you CANNOT REVOKE THE "INTENTION". Now that you "called them to you," they will NEVER LEAVE. At least, that's the fear. As it turns out, ALL OF THEM would turn tail and FLEE the premises IMMEDIATELY, WHENEVER LAURIE WALKED IN. And people wonder why my biggest fear is "having to sacrifice headspace to be a good Christian!" I CAN ONLY BE A "GOOD CHRISTIAN" WITH HEADSPACE!!! Who prays when "I" refuse? THEY DO. Who keeps "me" from giving in to sin? THEY DO. Don't you DARE tell me that they aren't from God-- I cannot even count the days where HEADSPACE HAS BEEN MY ONLY CONNECTION TO GOD.
This bland and empty Tilly-brand Good Christian Girl™ pseudohell we've been living in since 2018 is so far away from God it's horrific. The scope and magnitude of the SINS we committed DURING that fake-pious lifestyle are demonic proof of this.
...I'm afraid that if I spend my whole day and all my mental power "talking to Saints," it will cut me out of headspace-- out of my own heart-- to a fatal extent. I will "have to trade." But... is that inevitable? When-- if-- I get to heaven, I'll have to talk to all these people anyway, FOREVER. And I won't be able to "be" a System, right?
Now THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR. Who am I without them? I'll tell you, because I know, it doesn't vary-- without headspace, without the Spectrum, I AM A FAITHLESS, LOVELESS, PROUD AND GLUTTONOUS WHORE.
I can't continue this topic right now. It's getting too deep and we are on a very tight schedule. But DO NOT ABANDON THIS TOPIC.
...
When I mentally ask a Saint to "pray for me," I don't want to get a reply back. I don't want to start a conversation or open up any mental connection. I am filing my sincere request, to be duly forwarded, and that's it. Meeting them in Heaven is a whole different thing; I can look forward to that IF I DON'T "RUIN IT NOW." I do not trust my mental state or discernment, for one, but even more essentially the two should not overlap. As long as I'm still battling demons I should not be trying to chat with saints. I ABSOLUTELY need their help, especially since I'm at war, but being "friends" as anything more than beloved "pen pals" is not possible for me right now, either spiritually or mentally.
...Still, in this different typing state of mind, as someone who never had earthly friends & misses having a family, part of me does "want to be friends" with some saints. I'm afraid of a few of them, for trauma reasons mostly, but it's not their fault. Logically I know they're good and won't hurt me, but my instincts won't dare expose our psyche to such triggers as we are now.
Still, she has a point, but as a social, it's tricky. The idea of being friends with holy people is appealing to socials for two reasons: first, it implies that they themselves have somehow become worthy OF such social connections, and able TO sustain them; and two, it gives them a "group identity" in which they can "lose themselves" and so live entirely for others instead of self. This is problematic because it erases the core concept of individuality within a whole that our current understanding of Heaven seems to emphasize? The Social "groupself" ideal works on paper, as long as you're just a servant or mirror. But it prevents intimate relationship BY DESIGN. As long as you never have to be "you," never have to exist as an "other" who MUST therefore self-disclose and self-identify, then you cannot "BE loved" because you're NOT A "PERSON". Social service is "loving" only in the incomplete sense of obedient servitude. But it cannot offer. It cannot comfort or console or encourage.
So how DO you Socials define "friendship?" How would you actually describe the dynamic between you and the Saints, if we got to heaven and you were the winning face? What would your reaction be? Would you even love GOD enough TO be a friend to His Children in truth?
Okay we are MADLY SWITCHING at this point so we MUST stop for now.

Back to the MDE=
The second devotional was about Saint Bernadette, being unaware even of her capacity for piety during her life? She "couldn't meditate" on mysteries and didn't have lofty exultations of faith, nothing intellectual or inspired, so to speak... all she did was simply pray, especially the rosary, and attend Mass. But her faith was so true and powerful IN ITS UTTER SIMPLICITY that it profoundly sanctified everything she did?
Quote the verse about "she was too humble to even consider" her holiness??
ALSO comment about Eucharistic fasting, made us panic. Are we being too vainly scrupulous in that reaction? Has God MADE us "incapable of great fasts" ON PURPOSE to keep us from getting proud, or feeding more anorexic tendencies?
...


ttywpf = Another massive gutpunch, following directly on yesterday's:
"Jesus has the power, through the power of His Spirit, to renew hearts. We need to be confident of this. If we do not trust in Jesus’s power as the only means of salvation, if we do not trust that He is the only One who can make something new, we are false Christians; [without this trust,] we are not truly Christian.
Do you trust in Jesus’ power? Do you think He can renew your heart? Do you believe He is the only means of salvation? Ask Jesus to give you faith."

...No wonder we struggle still.
WHY is it SO BLOODY HARD to trust that Jesus CAN and WANTS TO and WILL renew our tumor of a heart? Is it because we wouldn't know HOW to see OURSELVES as a "renewed person"??? We won't let go of our self-hating horror long enough TO be made new, because deep down we want out ENTIRE PHYSICAL HISTORY AND BODILY SELFHOOD TO BE COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED. We're just that evil.
WHY ARE YOU USING "WE" IN REFERENCE TO THAT???
Because "I" denies the multiplicity that was inherent in the worst evils, even if that same multiplicity was equally inherent in our greatest good and loving acts, albeit via different "selves".
Well, if you're gonna use "we" for your despondency argument, at least give Julie some credit for heavens sakes.
...once again, the System brings us right back to God.
Our existence, all of us together, has PROVED God to us, and with our multiplicity as a foothold then yes, we CAN AND DO BELIEVE AND TRUST IN GOD'S POWER TO RENEW ANY HEART, EVEN OURS.
...but that hope and trust can only exist in a System consciousness. All somafoni-- INCLUDING the thriskefoni, in frightening irony-- are incapable of that hope. They see only doom and despair, and their only hope is for the hard drive reset of death. WHY IS THIS.
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = Job 19.

Some very striking thoughts on Job from the reflection, taken bit by bit=
"Job’s hope throughout his trial is rooted in God's character and promises. Even through his discouragement, He consistently reminds himself of God's justice and love... God is Job’s ultimate redeemer. Regardless of how circumstances change in his life, God is the One Who ultimately rescues him in the end. After the suffering and grief passes, God will still remain. This is the hope that Job holds on to, and so must we, in our own sufferings and grief-- for Job's God is our God, the Unchanging One who will ultimately redeem us, too, in the end."
There's been a ton of emphasis lately on God's unchanging Character, which is admittedly not something we ever properly understood before-- let alone hoped in. We never really knew WHAT God's Character was, not in truth... and we were scared TO hope that it wasn't only unchanging, but actually purely truly GOOD... and remained so towards US.
I also find it very notable that God's Character is frequently and directly linked TO HIS PROMISES. Again, this was a connection we never would have made on our own. First, yes, God DOES make promises, and second, He makes them ACCORDING TO HIS CHARACTER. That actually applies in two ways: BOTH the act of making, and the content of, His Promises are reflections of God's essential Character: "He is the kind of God TO make Promises, and THIS is the sort of Promise He makes."
That is what Job reminds himself of, consistently-- every single time despair threatens to bury him, Job clings to his sole lifeline, the one thread of hope that can never break-- God's Character. And what about it, specifically? God's justice and love.
...
The last bit is what spun me. First, Job is convinced that "God WILL rescue him." But on what grounds? His Character. That's ASTOUNDING.
Job recognized that, despite the depths of his earthly agony, it was all temporal. It wasn't forever, because God alone is eternal, and with God there is no suffering and death. In the end, at the very end of all things, His Redeemer LIVES.
...

A sudden thought from the lotophagoi =
We struggle to "trust in God's goodness" PROPERLY, because if we truly believe that He IS Good and Righteous and Merciful and Loving, BUT we ALSO believe that God KEEPS "PUSHING US AROUND," with our childish terror of spilling food and dropping things as "signs of angry punishment"... then we EQUATE THE TWO. Our brain then believes that IT IS GOOD FOR US TO BE HURT. Our brain believes that God WANTS us to be punished because THAT WOULD BE TRULY MERCIFUL. We start to believe that He WON'T protect us from attackers or robbers or rapists because THAT WOULD BE RIGHTEOUS AND KIND, somehow, as far as WE were considered. It's a devilish twisting of "God's unchanging Character" in a way that STILL EXCLUDES US FROM ANY TYPICALLY DEFINED COMFORT OR PEACE.
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trapp commentary begins today.
He's unfortunately very anti-Catholic so we must tread carefully; nevertheless, the man loves God so there is still wisdom in his words.


"[Magdalene] thinks nothing too good [to spend on] Christ, whom her soul loved. She will honour Him with the best of her substance; she knew there was nothing lost; but though it took from the heap, yet it increased the heap; as it is said of tithes and offerings in Malachi 3:10. This made David [insist] that he would not serve God of that which cost him nothing; and [therefore] he made such plentiful preparation for the temple-work. It is both love and good husbandry to make our service to God costly: His retributions are bountiful... Whatever the cost, it is a profit to make the cost in the name of piety."
This is perfectly timed, concerning our recent fears & struggles with "sacrificing everything for Christ." Apparently we're standing on the wrong foundation. Magdalene must be our example.
First, she didn't see it as a "sacrifice" in the butcherknife sense. She saw this outpouring as a gift, as a present to the One she loved. In that context, no expense was too great-- I can actually attest to this with our sibling's recent birthday, and even our time living with Oliver. Love naturally needs to give the best & most that it possibly can, and will not rest until it does; to do anything less would be unthinkable-- any counting of cost or cutting of corners would be a flagrant dishonour to both the beloved and to the name of love itself.
...
Second: you don't lose anything in the sacrifice. That has me stunned. It's a paradox for sure, but it's true. It's a law of God,
...
Third: our love to God MUST be costly, if only because His Love for us was the most costly thing He could've ever done.
...
Fourth: the only true profit is piety.
...

"I have a greater fear in praises, and a greater joy in curses and blasphemies."
I just realized WHY= because the sorts of souls that WOULD curse one for their religion are NOT SPEAKING OF GOD.
...
This is different from Christ's hard corrections, though, for they were not curses but warnings of curses that sin would bring about; Christ spoke so critically out of acute loving concern, as nothing softer would have pierced through their hardened hearts.
...


"When He called Lazarus, &c. = This notable miracle, the evangelist, as he had punctually described it, so he cannot help but again and again recite it. We too should set forth God’s noble acts, and not be sated. David never tires talking of what God had done for his soul. Those in heaven have no rest (and yet no unrest either) crying, "Holy, holy, holy," &c., Revelation 4:8."
This makes me feel a lot better about constantly repeating our own deliverance stories; we tend to fear that we just sound hypocritical or arrogant or dramatic, that people will think we're just making things up for attention, when honestly it's ALL TRUE and we cannot help but constantly regive our testimony to God's "noble acts" in OUR poor existence. How could we not? When you experience such miracles, you cannot rest from singing them out, whether in tears or laughter, in pain or joy, because God has touched your heart and marked it forever and of course that's going to set you to perpetual music. To stay silent would be to suffocate your very soul.
...



110323

Nov. 3rd, 2023 11:29 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
Sleep deprived. Can't be helped.
Still made it to Mass!
Weaker and more distracted than usual. Very hard to run or think. Blood sugar in 60s.
Funeral prep made upstairs prayer hard too, pushing social mode

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ttywpf =  AN ABSOLUTE SWORD TO THE GUT.

"[Today] we encounter many Christians without Christ. For example, those like the Pharisees, Christians who put their faith, their religiosity, their Christianity, in laws: I must do this, I must do that. They are Christians out of habit.... [They] seek out only devotions, but no Jesus. There is something missing, my brother! Jesus is missing. If our devotions lead you to Jesus, then they are good. But if they leave you where you are, then something is wrong.
Ask yourself: “Is my faith primarily a matter of laws and habit? What can I do to more decisively put Jesus at the center of my devotions, and my time at Mass? Consciously re-center all of your activities on Jesus."

This is, point-blank, our ABSOLUTE BIGGEST FAULT.
Reading this we felt our blood run cold.  The Holy Spirit has perfect timing-- our entire morning has been the most terrible proof of this conflict.  Someone Blue in the system-- a younger female with no name-- was actually sobbing from how HOLLOW it all felt, the "trying to get all the prayers said," because there were NO EMOTIONS except FRUSTRATION, ANXIETY, and GRIEF.
AND YET, NOT saying constant prayers makes the scrupulous guilt and panic INTOLERABLE. It will choke us if we don't frantically "say another prayer." It's why we get PARALYZED with ANY "unscheduled time." So we're currently in a dilemma.
🌟ACTUALLY, NO WE'RE NOT. THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN WHEN WE PRAY TOGETHER AS A SYSTEM!!!!


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = Hebrews 11:6; "faith requires an active trust in God." Emphasis on how the situations that tempt us to lose faith, or trust, in God, are the "exercises" necessary to STRENGTHEN and PROVE our faith and trust! It is only against that temptation to despair and self-reliance that faith CAN shine with its full capacity, and thus we learn what it really means TO have faith. "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." Virtue doesn't exist in theory or profession, only in practice... and typically, that practice is through BATTLE against opposing vices.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

KVOTD = "Eternity sounds like a pretty awesome place, right? Well, if you trust in Jesus, I'll see you there!"
Man that genuinely made me smile and laugh with joy. I needed that, thank you.

The verse-- Rev:21:22-- says how there's no Temple (or Cathedral, or Basilica) in Heaven because God HIMSELF IS the "place of worship"-- specifically God "AND THE LAMB"; the Trinity INCLUDING JESUS'S RESURRECTED HUMANITY??? Hence the "and"; the Trinity is indivisible, but Jesus's human nature is not God-- it is only united TO God IN the Son. That’s how I understand it, humbly.
But it's amazing then. That means the Lamb-- Jesus WHO DIED, in His Holy Humanity-- IS THE "TEMPLE," IN HIS PERSON. And every human who gets to heaven gets there THROUGH HIM, through His dwelling in OUR "temples"-- our own human bodies-- by the Spirit while alive on earth.
Now, in heaven, our humanity is sanctified and restored to its original purpose-- to dwell in the Presence of God-- while DEEPENING this purpose in Christ, as we have become HIS MYSTICAL BODY, and that is not erased in heaven?
The Lamb is our "Temple" in the sense that He is FULLY PRESENT to each of us, and we worship Him IN HIM, in His grace and His intimate unity with us that began on earth? He is the location AND the means AND the object of worship, AS THE LAMB, the Mediator, the Son, the New Adam, the Crucified One.
There's so much depth of beauty, it's wonderful. But I literally cannot comprehend it all and I am speaking even now from simple awe. I have no authority. I just love God and am moved by His immeasurable loveliness to the point of trying to express that somehow. I mean no offense in speaking. But it'd dangerous to ramble any more in my ignorance, however "good" my intentions.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some article quotes.

"[The Marxist] idea, so deeply rooted in communism, became the backbone of the feminist movement, as it asked, “How do we help women become like men?” not “How do we help women as women?” [and therefore] husbands and children were targeted as the primary obstacles to women’s goals of career and happiness. This line of thinking, that women need to become like men to fully flourish, extends to our own day... The unspoken premise is that "women aren’t made for the home" (even though a woman’s body is every child’s first home), and "women aren’t made to be mothers"; [that] motherhood is "optional", not essential... [yet] a child needs a mother who is "dialed into" him — someone who pays attention to who he is and what his needs are, often before he knows them himself. Most women have been told to “lean in” to careers, not to “dial in” to their children. When this doesn’t happen, many children grow into adults feeling unseen, unknown and unheard. Too many feel abandoned and alone. The focus away from the home has created massive emotional wounds rarely spoken of but healed in small ways by having someone “listening” to our needs — listening in a way that a mother should do for a small child. [These] concepts of “walking together” and “listening"... are especially necessary when they have not been applied where they ought— at home. Mothers spend large swaths of time just holding, rocking and carrying their children and even more time listening to their children for cries, tears, breath, laughter and all the seemingly not-so-important chitchat. These are the key moments children need, to know they are known and loved so they can emerge from childhood as mature and healthy adults. But this is precisely what has been stripped away from so many children of the last three generations. "Walking and listening" can also only limp [clumsily like a child themselves] if not balanced with truth and authentic charity; [because] the other essential action mothers perform is to teach their children right and wrong — what is harmful and what is good. Here, too, is the deep connection between good mothers and Holy Mother Church... Every good mother knows the difference between authentic unity among her children in heart and mind versus a superficial appearance of unity displayed merely to keep the peace, while discord hides just beneath the surface. Our fragmented and polarized world... without true conversion and truth, will remain discordant no matter how much "walking and listening" take place on a global scale. [We must] correct the oversight of motherhood and raise the issue, particularly modeled by the Blessed Mother, in [our] actual discussions [of healing these societal wounds]."
I read this article and felt my stomach drop. THIS IS STAGGERING.
IT EFFECTIVELY SUMMARIZES ALL OUR FAMILY GENDER ISSUES & PSYCHO-EMOTIONAL WOUNDS. And that is tragic.
BUT. It's ALSO the first time in YEARS that I have felt ANY GLIMMER OF HOPE towards ACTUALLY HEALING THE MOTHER TRAUMA. Secular therapists only made it worse; they just went in blind egocentric circles. RELIGION WAS ALWAYS THE MISSING PUZZLE PIECE.
...
...

"When we deny these roles, we get inferior versions of both sexes and a society that is less than it could be.
When women aspire to be the sexless creature of modernity, they often present with an over-compensatory aggression. They deny all of their femininity and pretend to think and be as men... When men aim for the same sexless creature, they grow effeminate, reaching neither the masculine that they deny nor the feminine, instead stunted at a juvenile state of emotionalism."

Oh boy, me and my two trans siblings were/are ALL guilty of this.
Cannon was INFAMOUS for her aggression, especially towards femininity.
This is something we must applaud Mel and Oliver for: we never saw any aggression in them. They were both gentle, sweet, kind, and emotionally open. No wonder they were both so scared of us-- we were the tormented opposite. If Mel had any "aggression" it was in their admirable drive to succeed & excel in their education and career-- a drive which has indeed brought them soaring success, for which I am sincerely grateful. If there was any "aggression" in Oliver, Kris probably took it, haha. Really they never showed a hint of any such tendencies in them, which in time sadly made our aggression so much worse, as we saw their softness as a "feminine weakness/ babyish annoyance" instead of the immense strength of character it was, and so we hardened our own heart in contrast. We really were a monster back then, I am so terribly sorry now that I can see it. If there was any way to make amends I would, trust me. No one ever deserves to be treated the cruel and callously way "I" treated those amazing souls.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jumping back into Benson commentary today, verse 35.

"Yet a little while is the light with you = As if he had said, "Do not cavil at what I now say; but remember how short this opportunity is, which you now enjoy only through the divine goodness; and thus improve by my instructions, Who Am the Light of the world... lest, by neglect of this grace, the darkness of spiritual blindness come upon you, by the just judgment of God. If that should happen to you, you will be in a dreadfully miserable condition indeed-- deserted of God, and left to the darkness and folly of your own hearts." He that is destitute of the light of the gospel, that is, unacquainted with its discoveries and directions, wanders endlessly in mistakes and errors, in a thousand crooked paths, and is not aware of it: he is probably going to destruction, and knows not his danger."
I know we've spoken about the last bit here before, but the beginning is what caught me.
"Do not cavil, because time is short." To cavil is "to raise frivolous objections, find fault without good reason," and it actually ties right into "the darkness of one's own heart." It's scarily easy to nitpick Jesus's teachings in today's world; something is always "politically incorrect," or "antiprogressive," or "bigoted," or something equally ridiculous. All those slanderous accusations are cavils. They are blind to the truth, closed to the depths, eyes shut against the light, instead focusing perhaps on a tiny word out of context, which they blow grossly out of proportion and use as a rude megaphone for their complaints. They don't realize that their very encounter WITH those Words of Christ IS A GRACE. They don't comprehend that TIME IS SHORT and the way is difficult, the door of salvation slowly but surely closing as they simply stand and argue about it.
...


"As the unbelieving Jews, being hardened in their infidelity, were greatly irritated by the actions and discourses of the day, and would not be awakened to conviction, Jesus left them and departed thence to a retired place."

A thought about humility: "you won't be irritated by the sand in your shoe if you're already walking barefoot in the dust."
...
What always scares me about such passages is how Jesus doesn't beg anyone to listen. If He is ignored, He will simply turn and leave.
Mind you, and don't forget, He gave them PLENTY of chances to listen & convert, with increasingly warning language.
JESUS doesn't want to leave; the unbelieving people just don't want Jesus!
...


"They were now in a manner utterly incapable of believing, because, by the just judgment of God for their obstinacy and wilful resistance of the truth, they were, at length, so left to the hardness of their hearts, that neither the miracles nor the doctrines of our Lord could make any impression upon them... God permitted them to grow more and more prejudiced against the gospel, namely, by withdrawing from them His abused grace."
I know a previous commentator said almost exactly this, but the variation in phrasing, however slight, is notable.
1) We CHOOSE to harden our hearts. They never start out that way. It's like atherosclerosis, or pulmonary fibrosis-- the daily choices we make all have consequences in our body, often unseen, and just as often dangerous. Our sins are like that-- like scar tissue, or like plaque buildup. They add up, and cannot be removed by human means. They
...
and just as irreversibly, lethally damaging without critical medical intervention-- which, in the soul's case, is the grace of God, given through CHRIST, the DIVINE PHYSICIAN.
2) Abuse that grace and God will withdraw it. It's that simple and that terrnosedive. If you skip your chemo appointments because you're convinced you'll "be fine," you can heal yourself, the treatment is just a ruse for profit anyway... then don't blame the doctor if your condition nosedives.
...
3)...


"Isaiah uttered these remarkable words (ch.6), when, in a vision, he saw the glory of the Son of God, and the manifestations which He was to make of the divine counsels; and He described the effect which those manifestations would have upon His hearers-- for which reason they are a prophetical description of the men of the age in which Jesus lived."
Oh WOW I never saw the immediate connection! Jesus IS the Son of God, unchanging and eternal-- Who He Was in Isaiah's vision is EXACTLY WHO HE WAS in His Incarnation. For Him to speak a prophecy essentially ABOUT HIMSELF, fulfilled IN His OWN Incarnate lifespan, is amazing-- for those years were iconic years, typical years, times of fulfilling the past and declaring the future, all by the eternal "Present" of God With Us.
Christ told Isaiah to herald what He, as Man, would experience in the future-- which Isaiah prefigured as a Prophet, as all prophets were echoes of Christ.
...


"As the perfections of the Father are displayed in Christ, he that shuts his eyes against Christ, excludes the only means of being brought to the true knowledge of the Father."
This little snippet of dogma always leaves me awestruck.
1) God the Father is perfect in all things-- in holiness, in power, in wisdom, in justice, in mercy, in love... and ALL of those perfections are MADE VISIBLE IN THE PERSON OF CHRIST JESUS. Jesus IS all of those perfections, in a very real sense; He doesn't just "display" them, they are HIS PERFECTIONS TOO, inasmuch as He is also (perfectly) God!!
2) Because God is Spirit, the Person of God the Father is "invisible to the eye"-- as all the truest things are-- and therefore the ONLY way for humans to "know God AS a Person," so to speak, not just as "the force" or "the universe" or some other impersonal power, is THROUGH CHRIST, Who is GOD MADE VISIBLE.
...
3) ALL OTHER "KNOWLEDGE OF GOD" IS A LIE.
...


""For I have not spoken of Myself"-- "not on My own motion, or on any precarious conclusions, drawn from principles divinely taught; but the Father which sent Me, He gave Me a commandment..." Christ, as Son of man, did not speak that which was of human device or contrivance; and, as Son of God, He did not act separately from, but in perfect union with, His eternal Father... Christ spake by the Holy Spirit at all times."
This is really essential to understand about Christ, in order to have proper faith in Him. Yes, He "became man," but He was ALWAYS IN UNION WITH GOD AS A MAN. That is even greater than how Adam was supposed to live-- He lived with God in perfect harmony before the fall, but he was never in personal union with God! BUT such intimate relationship is is how WE are CALLED TO LIVE, not only IN and THROUGH but also WITH the NEW Adam, JESUS CHRIST!
This is a tiny yet tremendous glimpse at the "new sanctification" Christians are being called to in these last days. This is more than obedience, more than cooperation, more than harmony. God wants UNITY OF PERSONS. God wants each individual believer, in OUR humanity, to be so completely united to His Will that WE "speak (and act) in the Holy Spirit at all times"-- and to accomplish this, He wants us to be ONE WITH CHRIST, our hearts completely united with His, even as Mary's is, even while we live on this earth.
...

...This is ALSO why you MUST LISTEN TO JESUS, and NEVER TO ME.
All my blathering is just "precarious conclusions" about His truly divine teaching, silly mortal thoughts of my own motion. I am no voice for the Spirit. I am no teacher. I am a fool, with no authority, no wisdom, no common sense, no commandment to do anything except to obey the only One worth listening to.
I know nothing. I am nothing. Christ is all. Listen to Him.


 

110223

Nov. 2nd, 2023 10:07 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JADE!!! 💚🖤💚🖤💚🖤💚🖤💚
We went ALL OUT for her as much as we possibly could.
We legit spent like... $170 on her, haha. GENEROSITY! God gave us enough to share, at exactly the right time, and we have enough for ourselves right now. Honestly if we DIDN'T go the extra mile, we would've regretted it forever. Last year, I thought BOTH OF US would be dead by this year. But we're not. We're alive and actually thriving. So WE'RE CELEBRATIN' SON!!!!

Quick notes =
THE SYNCHRONICITY ROSES
General needed food gifts, but went extra mile to get
Extra card, FINALLY wrote a personal message written in it
STEVIE WONDER!

LUNCH RUSH

Mass
Evening prayer
8pm dinner what the shark

The most important thing:
Listening to "Sandım ki"
and although it sounds so much like Infi it hurts,
I started getting absolute legit headspace events with LAURIE.

Fighting, as she does best. Felt SO REAL.
"You don't get this much blood without just as much pain, kid" comment. Floored me. Never considered that but it was suddenly so achingly obvious

Taking off bandages?? Going ENERGY like a Trigun plant??? Missing arm practically exploded into light wings, but "too frantic". She went violet light & DAENGELIC, Julie & Lynne distresses. I said something like "when the pain gets too intense the only way to bear it is to run it completely through you"?? BUT cried out "don't lose yourself in it"??
I manifested a small dagger of light and plunged it straight into my own chest?? And IMMEDIATELY Laurie-engel CAUGHT THE PAIN. Eyes changed instantly, turned to me, profoundly concerned. Single stabshape of pure red light on her own chest.
Never fails to send me reeling that she still takes on everything.

...

Kissing Mimic on the head while he was asleep. "I don't think he realizes just how vulnerable he looks like this"
Chaos 0 asking how in the world I didn't wake him up with that, I jokingly take out my Sandman umbrella and hit it for gold dust to fall out. CZ almost laughed out loud, "way to ruin the mood" tease
Still. It was a very significant moment, as I was able TO feel something so pure & sincere and EXPRESS IT.

Also dude you haven't mentioned anywhere yet how Mimic now holds your hand every time we say the Chrysostom prayer, to help ground me and focus him in too. But the means, man! It means a lot, pun intended, and I think he knows it.

...

Needless to say, with everything in headspace this evening I feel more REAL, more ALIVE, and more IN LOVE than I have in many months; almost a full year. I feel like I exist, almost.
I need to get back to laptop typing every night. God please, let our schedule accommodate that. Your Love shows itself so clearly through them, through us all together. Please don't strip me of that. I'm so tired of this hollow and cold and solitary heart. Please let us all BE together again, for Your sake, please.
I felt real love today. Please. Don't strip that from me anymore.
I know it's a poor and broken and rashly worded prayer. But it's honest, and it's a prayer. I offer it up to you. That’s all I can do at this hour, except say thank You, thank You so so much for that exact love, for all of them, for all of us. I love them so much it hurts like joy. I am so grateful I could cry. Thank You for still letting me have this in my heart, with them, with You in them I'm absolutely sure.
I'm exhausted. I love You too. If THIS is what God is then the thriskefoni have it ALL WRONG. and THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WORTH LIVING AND DYING FOR.
...funny how I'm learning that lesson from both Jesus and Laurie, at once. It only makes complete sense taken together. Remember that too. There's a bigger picture we're all a part of.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = "The word cast in Hebrew means to throw, hurl, shed, or fling. To propel something as far as possible. To sling something out of your sight... God wants to carry your burdens, but you have to cast them off. So don’t just halfheartedly set down your burdens or passively give them to God... Cast them down at His Feet."
...
Also the WAY the lady talked about Jesus & the Holy Spirit was really striking to me. For the first time EVER I GOT the "evangelist enthusiasm." For a moment I UNDERSTOOD the "thank You Jesus!!" Gospel preacher attitude, SINCERELY.
Rewatch it and comment specifically.
...
We ACTUALLY did this today without being "asked" or reminded!! We KNEW it was gonna be a crazy day so we DIDN'T SKIP ADORATION and we went to Mass BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE. We prioritized God, and we CONSCIOUSLY "put the day in His Hands," recognizing and admitting to Him that we were powerless & blind to control our schedule or its outcomes, BUT God knew what we needed and when, so please guide us, amen. And we ACTUALLY LET GO & SURRENDERED TO WHATEVER WOULD HAPPEN. We even prayed "Thy will be done" the instant we felt anxieties coming on, and gave them over to Him.
And boy howdy let me tell you, AGAINST ALL ODDS, EVERYTHING HAS WORKED OUT PERFECTLY TODAY. And ALL the credit goes EXCLUSIVELY TO ALMIGHTY GOD.
...

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Universalis=

"The reading [from Isaiah 25] begins with the image of the messianic banquet, the banquet which the LORD is preparing for the end of time, an image which Jesus takes up in the gospel story of the wedding-feast. After the first lines the image changes to the removal of the mourning-veil and the destruction of death, every tear wiped away. In the earlier parts of the Bible the dead are thought to lead a wretched existence in Sheol, a life which is no life, a sort of half-existence without power or substance, when the dead cannot even praise God. Gradually Israel comes to realise that God’s love is so enveloping and so enduring that God cannot desert or abandon his faithful even in death. Even death cannot cut off the faithful from God. This is one of the crucial passages where the permanent, saving strength of God’s love is expressed. Speaking to the Sadducees (who did not believe in the resurrection) Jesus will say, ‘God is the God not of the dead but of the living’. Paul will say, ‘Neither death nor life can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.’"
OH DUDE I GET IT!!
...
Also, this reading is clearly referring to Jesus's Crucifixion, even if only in symbols, and even if not exclusively. The meaning is still immensely important.
The "mountain" has become Calvary, that dreadful hill suddenly exalted to incomparable heights of glory. The "banquet for all peoples" IS JESUS, Whose saving Death allows Him TO give His Body AS our Food IN THE EUCHARIST. The "mourning veil" and "shroud" of death over all peoples also make me think of the Shroud of Turin, and the Sudarium, which were literal representations of real death that were also entirely transmuted into PROOFS OF ETERNAL LIFE, BY His very Death on that mountain-- a Death that paradoxically destroyed death forever. And through that same fact, Jesus wipes away our tears by giving us unfailing hope. By His innocent Passion and Death, He removes the shame from all good souls who suffer like Him, changing the Cross itself into an instrument of glory and faith, even for us. Lastly, the Cross was the ultimate proof of Jesus's Divinity, by what He accomplished there, and how, and why. It is because of His Crucifixion and all it won for us that we CAN and DO recognize and exclaim, "SEE, THIS is our GOD; the Lord JESUS IS the One for Whom ALL the endless ages have hoped in for salvation-- and SEE, He HAS SAVED US!"


"Paul uses several different images to convey the unique work of Christ. Here he uses ‘reconciled’, ‘justified’, ‘saved’. Is there any difference between them? We have been reconciled and justified by Christ’s death, and we shall be saved by his life, presumably by his risen and glorious life after the Resurrection, which will lead us to share with him in glory; this is still in the future, the end product. But we have already been reconciled with God. The enmity which we, the human race, put between ourselves and God by our constant rebellion, has been dissolved by the overwhelming act of Jesus’ love for his Father. The love of Christ surpasses the disobedience and hostility of Adam-- the human race-- in which we all shared. Paul also says that we have been justified or made righteous by Christ’s death. Human righteousness, being right with God, is always dependent on God’s own righteousness. God’s righteousness is His fidelity to His promises to save. In fulfilling those promises God is being true to Himself and His Word, and so is righteous. We are brought under that same righteousness by the fulfilment of the promises in Christ. So we are already reconciled and justified, and will be saved by Christ’s life."
These are very important distinctions, even surprising, to effectively say here that Christ's Death is not what "saves us"-- His LIFE is! BUT that very life is a RESURRECTED Life, which is ONLY possible, and therefore ONLY efficacious for our salvation, BECAUSE OF HIS DEATH. And that same chain of events is how it will work in US, through Him?? Our "saved lives"-- saved from sin, death, and destruction-- are ONLY possible BY OUR DYING, both "internally" in mystical union with Christ, by "dying to self", and then "externally", in physical death... death is our door.
(STOP BABBLING AND REMEMBER SAINT AMBROSE!!!!)
...



"The ‘yoke’ is often a symbol of the Law of Moses, which could seem burdensome with its many commands, though it was also valued as God’s revelation of Himself to His Own people in love. Christ is not a tyrannical master, but is a sympathetic, gentle and humble leader Who shares His life with His followers. The ‘yoke’ or law of Christ, as we saw [in Romans 5], is the interior impulse of the Spirit. It cannot be burdensome, since it is a joy to carry, a way of living with Christ and by his Spirit. Even the joy of martyrs, subjected as they are to physical pains, is a constant feature of accounts of martyrdom."
1) The Law is God's revelation of Himself. That's astounding. Why are we Christians not taught it AS such??
2) The Law is a gift of Love inasmuch as it IS a gift of Self. It is only "burdensome" in the same way caring for an infant or upkeeping a marriage is.
3) A tyrant is defined as "an individual who arrogates to himself the royal authority absolutely, without having a right to it;" therefore "a sovereign or other ruler who uses power in ways that are unjustly cruel, harsh, or severe; arbitrary or oppressive; despotic;" even "a compulsory influence."
Christ is none of those things. He CANNOT be those things, ever. But let that really sink in.
First, He has full rights to His Power. This, however, is WHERE unbelievers like to point and shout "despotism!" But they only accuse because they are ignorant of His Character. He is indeed an "absolute ruler"-- He is in fact THE Master of ALL Creation, the Lord of the entire Cosmos-- but although He "governs according to his own will, under a recognized right," He is NOT "uncontrolled by constitutional restrictions," in the sense that He is completely obedient to His Father, and His Father IS THE LAW, and that Law is PURE AND HOLY LOVE. Furthermore, Christ is never unconcerned or untouched by "the wishes of his subjects." He is in fact SO concerned and touched that He BECAME "one of His subjects" in His Incarnation and shared HIS Life with US.
...
4) The true definition of the famous "easy yoke"-- joy born of love.
...


110123

Nov. 1st, 2023 11:26 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
Morning high Mass!
Neighbor lady said hi, so did a special needs dude that I think walked over too? Really sweet
Adoration buddy today!

CRAZY EVENING SCHEDULE
Church
House stop, car switch
CEMETERY CANDLES
Finally sitting down to dinner at 1945 DUDE!!

Anxiety has been OFF THE CHARTS all evening. It was do bad during Church we were actually shaking. Super dissociated & disoriented too; we were literally FORGETTING WHAT TO SING.

God will get us through tomorrow. We must trust in Him. He has never once let us down so far-- He's gotten us through FAR worse, and His Character doesn't change! So honestly man TAKE REFUGE IN THAT. Let your soul relax into His Arms. Remember that prayer you love. God cares for you, seriously.


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VOTD = Very striking insight on Proverbs 11:25 from Ruth Chou Simons (who deserves the credit!)=
"Scripture always refers to prosperity and abundance in eternally significant ways. God provides for our physical and our spiritual and our emotional needs. So when we give of our resources, time, and emotional energy, we aren't pulling from our own resources, but that of Christ... before you question your capacity to give of yourself, or to encourage another, go ahead and ask the Lord if He's leading you to bless them, and then ask Him to provide, knowing that it is out of HIS provision that you show generosity or encouragement to another. And when you do so, trust Him to do a work in your heart as well."
This COMPLETELY TRANSFORMS the process of generosity!
First: checkmate to the "prosperity gospel". God NEVER focuses on the material world for its own sake. Even in His promises to bless His people with earthly goods if they kept His Covenant were embedded IN "the Covenant way of life," in following God's Laws, thereby worshipping Him alone and treating one's fellow man with justice & compassion. The material prosperity was SECONDARY in benefit to the PRIMARY benefit of spiritual prosperity gained by living according to God's Commandments!
...
Second: HUMANS HAVE REAL NEEDS ON MULTIPLE LEVELS AND THOSE NEEDS ARE ALL VALID TO GOD. Not only that, but GOD IS BOTH ABLE AND WILLING TO MEET ALL OF THOSE NEEDS. I am heavily emphasizing this because I still put on the steel boots of denial and stomp all over my needs whenever they dare to poke through the cement.
...
Third: We have NO EXCUSE NOT TO GIVE because in ALL CASES we are ACTUALLY GIVING FROM GOD'S ABUNDANCE. We don't have an abundance of our own of ANYTHING!! Everything is GOD'S GIFT.
This is actually A HUGE RELIEF. It's LIBERATING. I no longer have to panic over my poverty, because God WILL meet my NEEDS, and therefore, WHEN HE CALLS ME TO, He will give me enough to GENEROUSLY GIVE TO OTHERS.
Fourth: that exact point. ASK JESUS IF HE'S THE ONE TELLING YOU TO GIVE. Because believe it or not, there IS a proper time & place! I often feel compelled to give blindly to every cause that asks, but that's actually being irresponsible?
...
Fifth: trust God to provide for your own heart. That's still so difficult for me, thanks to twisted self-loathing, and that's offensive to our Good Lord.
...

The reflection, in bits=
"Do you know someone who constantly pours themselves out?
They're generous with their words, unselfish with their time, and openhanded with their money. And yet, somehow, they always seem to have more to give."

...we USED to be someone who "poured themselves out" for others, before 2008 hit.
...
Thanks to Ms. Simons, we finally understand HOW such people "always have more to give"-- they are GENEROUS BY GOD'S GENEROSITY.
...
"[but] we also must apply God’s wisdom when it comes to setting boundaries and avoiding burnout."
THIS is why we imploded.
...
We didn't realize there are several steps=
1) Recognize and acknowledge God AS the Source and Giver of ALL you have.
2) ASK Him to provide for your needs AND the needs of others THROUGH YOU, as HE sees fit.
3) TRUST that He WILL provide-- you cannot recieve without trust, because obtaining such divine Provision is entirely dependent on FAITH IN HIM?
4) GIVE CHEERFULLY, FREELY & LAVISHLY, WITHOUT GRUDGING OR HESITATING. If you don't, you "stop up the river" and nothing can flow through OR to you!!
...

Lastly, the questions asked "how can you practice generosity today," but besides the obvious "time" and "resources," option three was "I can be generous with my encouragement."
Now I've noticed that Christians talk about "encouragement" a LOT... unless they're Catholic. I have NEVER heard that term or phrase used in my native faith community, and so I was shocked and confused and even annoyed to hear it endlessly repeated in Protestant circles. What did it even mean? Why did it matter?
...I realize now that I've been blinded by my own "stop complaining and suffer better" mindset. I see encouragement as silly, superficial, stupid even. Why?
...

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KVOTD = Jesus is "Alpha & Omega"-- Jesus "always has been and always will be." Specifically JESUS!! He doesn't stop being Jesus just because He's God!! He IS truly God, BUT ALSO He was truly human among men! God lived as a REAL HUMAN in Jesus Christ, and when Jesus died & resurrected HIS HUMANITY DID TOO. He didn't "stop being human" when He ascended into heaven!! He didn't "lose His humanity because He's becoming God again," because THAT'S ENTIRELY FALSE. He never stopped being God! Now He will never stop being human!!

This bit from the prayer struck me:
"God, Your plans for my life are perfect-- greater than I could ever guess! I can't wait to spend forever in Heaven with You! Until then, I trust that I can find everything I need in You."
...

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Back to Benson-- but first we stop by Bible Hermeneutics again, who are helping us understand this essential part of Jesus's Words SO MUCH MORE CLEARLY & DEEPLY=

"Let's not forget that one of the tasks of a thorough hermeneutic is to consider Jesus' original audience and how they would interpret the metaphor. His audience was not composed of plant biologists but mostly non-scientific-types who had actual experiences with growing wheat to make bread, the "staff of life" back then. Combine this piece of the hermeneutic puzzle with another piece regarding the most common method of burial back then (viz., burial in the ground), and your notion of metaphor--perhaps, more strictly, analogy--begins to make sense."
This takes SO MUCH PRESSURE off me to feel like I "cannot understand the Gospel unless I'm smart, educated & intelligent and know as much as I can about religion," hence all these obsessive & honestly exhausting studies & daily devotionals.
I'm tired. I want to handle my faith like a child again. I don't "need to" read a library, or earn a degree, or have a high IQ. I don't need to have flown to the Holy Land, or speak fluent Latin & Greek & Hebrew, or know all the liturgical terms. I don't have to be a scientific type. I don't even have to be a farmer. I am not excluded from God's Kingdom because I'm stupid and simple, uneducated & unintelligent, poor & coarse & average & helpless as a child. I'm tired of trying to be some special & suave "somebody". I'm nobody. I'm exhausted. Just give me Jesus. That's all I want.

"In other words, what Jesus was saying to His audience was this:
"As long as a grain of wheat keeps on being a kernel in the head of a stalk of wheat, it remains just that: a lone kernel of wheat among many such kernels. Only when it is detached from the head and buried into the ground by a farmer does it have a chance of producing more grain.""

THIS HELPS SO MUCH.
1) A kernel that stays "in the head" is defeating its created purpose. It is not meant to stay there. It is intended to either fall and grow... or to be eaten. Either way it dies "to itself," and so either way it feeds further life for another-- it is transformed. But if it stays untouched and undamaged in the head, living to itself alone, it will rot and die for real. All the life it contains within itself will be unspent, wasted, for it never had the courage to be broken open to release that life.
2) What is this initial head, since it is not yet Christ? I think it's the head of Adam. You're just one grain among countless others, all contained in that head, all somehow still described as "alone". And actually it is: its life is not serving anyone else's. Each grain, although in one head, is separate. (But mind you, if one grain lets itself selfishly rot, that taint of death will quickly spread to infect those closest to it nevertheless!)
3) THE DETACHMENT AND BURYING IS NEITHER ACCIDENTAL NOR AUTONOMOUS. No seed plants itself!! All grains that fall on their own and land on the ground either rot there, unplanted and so inert, or they are eaten by birds & animals. For a grain to be buried OR harvested for making bread, it must be first touched by the Farmer's hand. The first step is ALWAYS GRACE.
...
4) There is "a CHANCE" of producing "much grain." Our being buried still does not guarantee a rich harvest?? It, too, is not automatic.
...


"In like manner [--paraphrasing liberally the kenosis (the "self-emptying") passage in Philippians chapter 2, especially vv.6-11--] Jesus is saying, "If you want to be productive in My kingdom, you must die to yourself. Only when you do that will you have the opportunity to be fruitful in my kingdom. Moreover, you have Me as an example. I was equal to God, but I did not count my equality something to be grasped and held onto; rather, I emptied-- died to-- Myself BY taking the form of a bond-servant and being made in the likeness of men. In other words, I humbled Myself by becoming obedient to the Father, even though by doing so I was writing my own death sentence.""
1) It's CHRIST'S Kingdom, NOT OURS. So of course we must die to ourselves first, if we want to live to Him-- and yes, "to," for it is an active movement, a dedicated direction, a gift.
2) Again, there is NO AUTOMATION in freewill. Our self-death opens up to us the holy OPPORTUNITY TO be fruitful, that we must further choose to pursue?
3) Everything about Jesus here is phenomenal. He defines "dying to self" as EMPTYING oneself of privilege, status, power, reputation, even rights... it's seeking out and taking the lowest place. BUT TAKE NOTE. Jesus did not erase His Divinity. He STILL had absolute Authority over Creation. He still had due and infinite Honor and Glory and Power... but He set it all aside. Everything He had as God was still His, yes, but He willingly "laid it down" at His Father's Throne. Jesus became a man, so completely that He refused to exalt Himself above even the most rejected & pitiful of men. He chose to become poor and unimportant, powerless in the world and without any status. THAT'S HOW HE "DIED TO HIMSELF" TO "LIVE FOR US."
When He died for us, then He REGAINED that Divine glory from His Father-- even then He DID NOT CLAIM OR DEMAND IT for Himself! And even more spectacularly, He THEN SHARED HIS GLORY WITH US.
...
4) Jesus's humility and obedience were effectively synonymous, and that is the key to HOW He "died to Himself," although He was God.
...


"For Jesus, there was nothing pleasant about dying to Himself, and His prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane tells us He would rather have had the bitter cup of Calvary taken from Him. Jesus, however, "for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and . . . [is now seated] at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:2 NASV Updated). [In light of all this, therefore,] what Jesus was saying to His audience in John 12 was that only when you die to yourself, [thereby] refusing to live life autonomously but [rather] in service to [Christ] and others, will you be amply rewarded in eternity."
First: I tend to forget that Jesus didn't "want to be crucified" like a masochist. He didn't "disregard awareness of the pain" like a zen monk. He WAS AFRAID of the ordeal and He SUFFERED IT ALL CONSCIOUSLY AND INTENSELY.
But He still "died to Himself" first, and so willingly went to Calvary, because He loved His Father and He loved us. He died to Himself so He could live for others-- in truth, so He could BE Life for others.
...

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Now for Benson at verse 25.

"He that loveth his life more than the will of God shall lose it eternally... He that hateth his life in comparison of the will of God, and therefore exposes it to great dangers in the cause of the gospel; shall keep it unto life eternal, and secure a state of immortal glory and happiness... Jesus further told them, that as He, their Master, was to suffer before His exaltation, so were all they, His disciples; for which reason they were to expect persecution, firmly resolving to lose even life itself, after His example, when called to do it; and in that case He promised them a share in His crown and glory."
So the key point is our love of the Will of God.
1) If God's Will is not our highest priority and devotion, we CANNOT have eternal life, because that Life is IN CHRIST and Christ was ENTIRELY OBEDIENT TO HIS FATHER'S WILL. Furthermore, if heaven-- God's Kingdom-- is a state of loving unity with Him and perfect conformity to His Will, then how could you ever "get there" if you reject both those aspects of it now? Because for truth's sake, we ONLY get to heaven THROUGH CHRIST, and again, He IS the perfection of both Love and Obedience towards God the Father, because He WILLINGLY DIED as a result of both. But I'm rambling now. I'm overcomplicating it.
2) We are only allowed to "expose our life to danger" IF it is FOR the cause of the Gospel.
3) We WILL BE CALLED TO LOSE OUR LIFE FOR GOD, and such a holy call to death WILL BE AFTER CHRIST'S EXAMPLE. In any case WE DO NOT CHOOSE IT OURSELVES, neither the means nor the manner, because whatever the particular details they will be chosen by God to best bring our unique death into union with that of His Son. For some saints it was beheading. For some saints it was tuberculosis. For all saints it was God's decision and their love of His Will above all their own ideas & preferences & expectations, in humble submission to His Call.
4) If we wish to be "exalted" with Christ, we must suffer with Him. There is no alternative.
...


""And what shall I say?" Not, 'What shall I choose?" for His Heart was fixed in choosing the will of His Father: but, 'What shall I say in prayer to My heavenly Father? What petition shall I offer to Him on this occasion?" ..."What shall I say? [shall I say, ] Father, save Me from this hour? But I came on purpose for this hour;" considering the words as containing two questions: the distress of Christ’s soul first suggesting a petition for deliverance, in which, however, He is instantly checked by the reflection on the end and design of His coming... "For this cause was I born into the world, and came even to this present hour, that I might bear the sufferings on which I am entering, and might redeem My people by them; and far be it from Me to draw back from such engagements and undertakings." By praying on this occasion, our Lord shows us what is the best method of obtaining support and comfort in deep distress. At the same time, as in His prayer He expressed an entire resignation to the will of his Father, He has taught us, that although the weakness of human nature may shrink at the first thoughts of suffering, His disciples ought not to yield, but to fortify themselves by just reflections on, and a firm faith in, the wisdom, power, and goodness of God, and the happy end He proposes to be answered by their afflictions."
Oh wow this is beautifully clarified.
1) THE DISTINCTION BETWEEN HIS CHOICE AND HIS PETITION. Christ never wavered in His absolute dedicated obedience. His Heart was "fixed" on obeying, no matter what. Nothing would or could budge Him, even for an instant. AND YET, He did not deny the fear and sorrow His Humanity felt concerning what He had already chosen to do. And THAT is what He brought to His Father IN PRAYER. This is SUCH an important example for us!
2) He actively checks Himself, again without denial or condemnation of His natural human distress. He admits it, to sincerely bring it before His Father, but in that very Light of Divinity the distress is defused, as its incompatibility with His Mission and therefore with His Love is clearly revealed-- again, without any harshness or judgment. The Truth is simply stated, and all in conflict with it is humbly subdued.
3) "I came ON PURPOSE for this hour." That declaration erases all questions as to Christ's knowledge, willingness, and preparedness for that very hour. He was BORN with His Death entirely in mind, as it were. He became man to die as a man. Now that the hour had arrived, had made its awful agonies imminent, His humanity understandably shook with dread, but His Divinity was steeled with age-old Purpose. This was the Plan of Salvation, and His Heart was fixed to fulfill it.
Honestly we must imitate that devotion to God's Purposes, by praying for thr grace of Christ's Spirit in such decisive moments. May He always remind us of the purpose for which we "came to this hour," to every hour of our own suffering, because they are all united to Christ's, and He chose to obey the Father's Will in every moment with self-denying love... the exact love that "fixed His Heart" to the Cross.
That it how we must fortify ourselves. Remember just what the Passion and Death of Our Lord were about: mercy, forgiveness, compassion, love. Yes He suffered terribly, but "by His stripes WE are healed," and Jesus KNEW THAT even as He endured them.
The Cross IS the Wisdom and Power and Goodness of God on full display, the unbreakable Promise of a "happy end" to all those who suffer in unity with Christ. To an unbelieving, selfish, cold & comfortable world, the Cross is insane, barbaric, foolish, unnecessary. Such faithless hearts are blind to the Truth, blinded by self-love and fear of death. But all it takes is one glimpse of grace-- one glance into our Savior's adoring Eyes-- to awaken a sleeping soul, and in that grace the Cross reveals its eternal Truth, its beautiful and terrible glory, to which it beckons us all. Pray for those moments. Pray that all hearts may have faith in the Purpose for which Christ came into our world, and refused to abandon.


"'Father, glorify Thy Name;' Whatever I suffer. For this may be considered as a further expression of His resignation, importing that He was willing to submit to whatever the Father should judge necessary for the manifestation of His perfections: as if Christ had said, "Dispose of Me and all My concerns in such a way as may most effectually promote Thy glory.""
I actually think about this a LOT. It's a frighteningly "dangerous prayer," because it mandates a self-death in the very saying-- but honestly, is there any better prayer? My soul WANTS to pray this, all the time. Yeah its scared, but it STILL WANTS THIS TO BE TRUE. So what do you do? It's all or nothing; you can't withhold any part of yourself from God if you love Him; the very idea is unthinkable.
...
It takes immense courage, and that requires intense love. You must be genuinely willing to SUFFER if that will indeed glorify God the most effectively. Pain, sickness, loss, even death-- you MUST be FULLY AWARE of the "risks" and AGREE TO THEM on that sole basis of "glorify Thy Name." And really, with THAT basis, the risks are WORTH it. They become joys, even, when their true purpose is thereby revealed.
...
"Dispose of my concerns for Your Glory" is always relevant to us. If there's one thing it's hard to hand over completely and absolutely to God it's anxiety. It's schedule. It's time constraints and unplanned variables and unexpected interruptions.
...


"This voice came... for your sakes = Not to assure Me of the love of my Father, but to confirm you in the belief of My mission, that you may not be offended at the treatment I shall meet with, or quit your hope in Me on account of the sufferings which are coming upon Me."
First: Jesus needed no such reassurance because the TRUTH of His Father’s Love for Him was literally part of His very Being. It never left His Consciousness. All through His Passion and Death, Jesus was completely assured of the Love of His Father. If we were so assured, we too could shoulder our crosses without fear.
Second: this feels so relevant to current global events. People are offended at how Christ, in His Church, is being treated. People are losing hope in the Christian religion because of how much suffering is in not only the Church, but in the lives of those Christ identified with most-- the poor, the powerless, the meek, the humble.


103123

Oct. 31st, 2023 11:25 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Jade shower & card
We talked SO MUCH while I was biking, it was wonderful.

BK at 115, haha.
$5 bet on battery power, 52%!! Julie had guessed 62 and gave it to Adelaide


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Universalis=

"You are always true to your word, Father. Look down from heaven and put an end to our foolishness. Save us from groundless fears and help us to please you with undivided heart."
It just hit me, ALL fears are groundless EXCEPT for fear of offending God. THAT'S IT. We have nothing to fear but sin, because that alone can kill our soul. But GOD FORGIVES SIN, therefore even our wretched sin cannot frighten us to despair anymore, IF WE FEAR GOD.
...

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KVOTD = Revelation 21:3-4.
"God PROMISES His children intimate fellowship with Him. And not only that, but we're promised a life without [physical OR emotional] pain, sadness, or death. The Greek word "aionios" means "perpetual, eternal, everlasting." The word "zoe" means genuine, real, active life.  When those two words are combined together they speak of a fulness and quality of life that is far beyond what we experience day to day... this is what is promised us when we trust in Him. Trusting in God and His promise of new life is one way that we can steward our lives."
Think8:7 always ends their reflections with stewardship, which i really love because it ALWAYS APPLIES, even when you wouldn't expect it, and that enriches both the verse AND our way of living as a Christian. Offhand, I wouldn't think of "trust" as stewardship, but  check out the Dictionary definition =
"Stewardship is the responsible overseeing and protection of something considered worth caring for and preserving."
Who is the ONLY One that CAN oversee and protect our life? GOD. He is omniscient and omnipotent. He alone is truly capable of acting in a responsible way-- but we cannot play the helpless card!! God TELLS US TO "BE HOLY AS HE IS HOLY," and that includes being responsible, and He GIVES US GRACE TO DO IT.
This definition also tells us that God considers our frail little lives truly worth caring for and preserving, so we should too. And why? Well, NOW think more deeply about this verse from Revelation:
"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. ‭He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away; the former ways are gone forever.”
Trusting in THAT means that we can't help but see our lives as worthwhile, because God WANTS TO LIVE WITH US. So we MUST preserve our lives FROM SIN, which IS death & pain & sorrow in the realest sense... and we do that THROUGH CHRIST, in Whom ALL "former ways have passed away," leaving only the Way that IS Christ, the One Who cannot ever "pass away," because He met death head-on and defeated it forever.
That's enough rambling. But remember that bit: to responsibly steward your life, to treat it as valued & worthwhile, to watch it carefully & keep it from harm, we must TRUST GOD'S PROMISE TO BE WITH US, our ultimate hope, which we can enter into even now IN JESUS, Who IS THAT ETERNAL LIFE.

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Next commentary on John 12 is BENSON.

I was going to take a brief break and comment on 1 Peter today, but accidentally fasting for 18 hours has completely evaporated my brainpower, haha. I literally cannot think straight enough to reason, let alone type, so I am just going to read.
...Actually, let me add something about that. The foni who type on the phone are almost exclusively female, very self-centered & smug OR self-hating & bitter, and they DO NOT GO UPSTAIRS. So when they ramble & rue, we are STUCK DOWNSTAIRS.
It's been killing our mental health.
We miss just reading the Bible together, talking about it together, really sharing our faith & growing as one... not this conceited cloistering of our consciousness. These thriskefoni only comment to show off. They're not concerned about actual edification, they just want to talk a pretty paragraph to admire as "good Christian wisdom", obsessed with this frantic need to "teach others", as if they alone could do so. What disgusting hypocrites we can be.
That's them talking now. ALL judgmental, passive-aggressive, condescending, & condemning language is them fighting each other.
Time to stop. We're going upstairs.


"Lazarus’s sitting at the table showed still more the reality of the miracle wrought at his tomb; that it was not a spectre or illusion which then presented itself to the sight; and that Lazarus was not only restored to life, but likewise to perfect health."
God doesn't heal the soul "halfway." None of Jesus's miracles were left incomplete. His power & willingness to heal is TOTAL and PERFECT. The sole obstacle is our willingness to receive-- which we can only do by FAITH.
The point = life & health are tied. This is apparent in nature. All diseases & decay are the active means of death, even in a living body: the visible signs of death's unstoppable approach. When Christ restores life to one who is dead, as Lazarus, He must therefore also remove death's manifestations of illness?
But this is no doom to the chronically &/or terminally ill. Christ Himself died, remember? He has taken death itself and transformed it in Himself. So if He does not "restore you to physical life" now, do not fear. Have faith in His healing Power & Will even so, and He WILL restore you to ETERNAL life... even now, even while suffering disease & decay.
In all situations Christ restores Life, TRUE Life.
...I wanted to say something about how Christ has healed US in this way, how He has restored Life to us WHEN WE WERE "DEAD" in both sin & sickness.
...


"Judas was angry because his Master had not taken the ointment with a view to sell it, pretending that the price received for it might have been bestowed on the poor."
Oh wow THAT'S EVEN WORSE!!!
To give a gift to God, and for Him to accept it not AS a gift, but as a profit to make-- That's the mindset of Satanism, not Christianity!!!
...

"Judas's real motive was covetousness; for as he carried the bag, he thought if his Master had sold the ointment, he would have gotten the money to keep, and so might have applied part of it to his own private use. But it is no new thing for the basest men to cover their blackest crimes with the fair pretence of zeal for the honour of God and the interests of religion." 
First: how distasteful it was for Judas to be thinking first & foremost of profit. He saw dollar signs where he should have seen a priceless gift. He "counted the cost" instead of lavishing love.
...
Second: covetousness, not mere greed. He didn't just want money, he wanted the money that he saw Mary pouring out. "Covetousness is a specific desire for what someone else has that you don't, because they have it and you don't." Now THAT is evil. It makes the greed personal, proud, and malicious. It disposes one not to common theft but to robbery. Covetousness is dehumanizing. How did Judas's heart get that frozen??
Third: he felt entitled to use common funds for himself, meaning that he saw himself as GREATER than them-- whether more needy, more deserving, more justified, it doesn't matter; the point is he was exalting himself above ALL the others to merit his own gain... and "the others" included Jesus. He had already separated himself from His Master, even on this seemingly insignificant level. But everything in our life matters to God, perhaps especially our "smallest" actions.
Fourth: it is so disturbing that "zeal for God's honor" is so TYPICALLY ABUSED by the most corrupt hearts.
Yet it's happening RIGHT NOW in Israel, in Gaza, in Palestine. "The interests of religion" are being wielded as weapons and plunged into the guts of the innocent. Do those zealots really think God is honored by such demonic acts, by such sinful hatred and loveless pride? When Israelis are chanting "death to Arabs," calling them "animals" and threatening their children with outright murder-- do they sincerely think God is pleased?? Have they forgotten their own Scriptures???
...
Fifth: that "fair pretence" was literally us during the Tilly days.
Oh yes, Jayce was a thief and a liar, but he never wove such a heavy veil of orthodox religious zeal to cloak his concupiscence. Tilly wore hers to church.
...


"Fear not, daughter of Sion"; For His meekness, as well as the end of His coming, forbids fear."

This is so simple, but it hits hard.
Jesus came to earth to SAVE SINNERS. He did not come with wrath & impatience & pride, but with meekness & mercy & love. He died so we wouldn't have to, and He forgave the very people that killed Him. Even when He warned of final judgment & the real risk of hell, He always revealed along with it the way to safety & peace-- the Way of Faith in Him, the King of meekness, Whose very Kingdom is founded on the Love of God.
Meekness is to be "gentle & kind; humbly patient or quiet in nature, as under provocation from others." There is evidently nothing fearsome about such a King!
But it's not just that there's no "reason to be afraid" of our truly gentle Savior-- it's that both His Character and His Purpose FORBID FEAR-- because fear reveals a lack of trust in Him.
"Forbid" actually has FOUR definitions =
1) to command (a person) not to do something. The very "command OF Love" is not to fear, as Scripture repeatedly affirms!
2) to prohibit (something); make a rule or law against. Arguably, the Great Commandment does this too. In order to love God with everything you are, you are implicitly prohibited from fearing anything in this world.
3) to hinder or prevent; make impossible. The most obvious result of love. "Perfect love drives out fear."
4) to exclude; bar. When your heart is full of love & trust, there is neither room nor foothold for fear.
I can't think any more about this now, but it's so deep. ALL those definitions apply to both the effect of Jesus's Character on our anxious hearts, AND on the ultimate results of His Life, Death, and Resurrection on our frightened souls. It's really beautiful, even if words fail me. Please make sure the point of it still sinks in.


"The design of God’s providential dispensations is seldom understood at first. We ought, therefore, to believe, though we understand not, and to give ourselves up to the divine disposal. The great work of faith is, to embrace those things which we know not now, but shall know hereafter."
Some "gnostic"-leaning perspectives, in my personal experience, seem to reject this hope entirely? They seem afraid of not knowing the Truth about Everything while here on earth; are they afraid this affects what they encounter or experience when they die? Are they afraid that the seeking stops upon death, that the soul cannot learn any more, that what answers they fail to discover while alive are now lost to them forever? I don't know. But that perspective admittedly haunts me, secretly, and I must combat it with the REAL Truth which is the Gospel.
In any case, it demands immense humility, to admit that we do not understand God's designs at all, but we STILL TRUST HIM, and we STILL BELIEVE what God has called True, even if we don't know HOW it is so. A man embraces the most profound humility in admitting and accepting that there are, and always will be, countless things that he does not know or understand in this life, and NEVER WILL, because he NEVER CAN... and this admission is the powerful anchor of FAITH, that exults in response, "nevertheless, God knows & understands ALL THINGS, therefore I do NOT have to; I need only to TRUST IN HIM."
And then there's that last amazing hope: "we shall know hereafter." But what shall we know? All mathematics, all physics, all artistic genius, all musical beauty? Or will any and all of that pale in comparison to knowing the Reality of God-- to beholding the Beatific Vision? God contains All That Is, after all; everything was created by Him and for Him. There is nothing else worth knowing, nothing else more worthy of knowing. And if I can rest my faith in that hope alone, then I can gladly wait until "the hereafter" to understand what I do not understand here.
Like a little child that knows nothing and trusts its Father for everything, so too must be my soul, and all will be well.


"In sayingHe called Lazarus out of the grave, the evangelist admirably expresses, as well the greatness of the miracle, as the facility with which it was wrought. The easiness of the Scripture style, on the most grand occurrences, is more sublime than all the pomp of orators."
When you realize this, it really is remarkable. Jesus worked miracles of supreme authority & power and yet He did so entirely without fanfare or theatrics whatsoever. He gave sight to a man born blind, cast out legions of demons, and raised Lazarus from death by a word. He needed nothing more than His Will to completely overturn the reign of death in the life of mankind. He never needed to prepare, or train, or study, or even lift a hand to do what He willed to do, and when He carried it out, it was unstoppable and effortless. That's AMAZING. No one, ever, could do that... no one but God. That stunning simplicity of Sovereignty, which confounds all human expectations & reason, is as powerful a proof for Christ's Divinity as the very miracles themselves.


""Jesus answered [the Greeks], saying..."= This phraseology intimates the suitableness of the following discourse to this particular occasion; by attending to which, many of the beauties of it will be discovered. Our Lord might, perhaps, enlarge on some of these hints; and if his hearers took a due notice of them, and made a proper report on their return home, it might prepare the way for the apostles, when they came to unfold and illustrate these important doctrines more fully by their preaching."
First: ALWAYS consider the context of Christ's words. He never speaks into a vacuum, or at random, or without direct & precise relevance to His listeners. Christ is incapable of idle or inert speech. Everything He says has Power, and that Power is directed towards a Purpose, and that to particular Persons-- so pray to humbly & openly recognize & hear it AS such. Only then will you really perceive the immense depths of beauty & truth in His Words.
Second: our DUTY AS LISTENERS. Jesus never speaks to entertain, He never indulges in empty chatter; therefore we must listen as students, as apprentices, as servants, as disciples! Not only do His Words have Power & Purpose, they ARE ETERNAL LIFE-- and so they MUST be responded to in kind! And what does life do? It MULTIPLIES life! So too must we! We must not only let Christ's Words take root in the ground of our souls, we must diligently tend them to sprout & bloom, by the more we listen to Him and ponder on His Teachings and reflect on their Truths and PUT THEM INTO PRACTICE... and once we have truly so "integrated" His Words into our lives, where they are now part of our lives and selves, then we can "give proper report" of those Words to others. I take the preparation that far because, speaking from experience, you cannot preach what you do not practice. You cannot learn to play the violin by hearing a virtuoso perform; you must pick up the instrument yourself before you can even attempt to imitate their melodies. Learning, to be true, always requires personal application. So we MUST begin to "live the Gospel" before we can begin preaching it in any sincerity. But we MUST DO BOTH!! THEY ARE NOT OPTIONAL!! And that is not just for our own salvation-- do realize that YOUR sharing of the Gospel in words and works might be the ONLY GOSPEL SOME PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY HEAR. And God needs you to preach to them, to prepare the way for their hearts to receive further truths in due time! In Jesus's time, in this real historical context, the Greeks He was speaking to had the MORAL RESPONSIBILITY to listen, accept, integrate, and preach those very words to their unbelieving neighbors back home. They were also becoming "apostles" in a sense, solely THROUGH hearing the Gospel-- because "God's Word does not return to Him empty"! It MUST be acted upon; it COMPELS us by its Truth. If we have faith in it, even as a mustard seed, we will be completely unable to keep our mouths shut about it. It will become "like a fire in our bones." So to have faith at ALL is to "give a report" of it, because faith loves God and must glorify Him, and faith loves humankind for God's sake and must partake in His effort to call all mankind to repentance, to Himself. "Prepare the way of the Lord" becomes our constant cry, and we cannot help it-- souls need to know Jesus, and we must make Him known. And honestly? What He does say to the Greeks is so beautiful, so powerful, one cannot help but share the news of it, as naturally as one shares the joy of discovering any lesser treasure.


"As if He had said, As the only way to make grain produce fruit is to bury it in the ground; so, the most proper method of bringing about the conversion and salvation of the world is, that I die and be buried. To omit other things, our Lord’s resurrection, the grand miracle on which the truth of Christianity is founded, and by which the conversion of the world was effected, happened in consequence of His death."
I think we take these facts far too much for granted.
First: being buried is the ONLY WAY TO BEAR FRUIT, for anyone. Yes, that includes YOU. You keep asking God, "I want to bear good fruit for You, but I don't know how!" Well, apparently, step one is GET BURIED. Seriously.
...
Second: "Fruit" is defined as "conversion and salvation." Honestly, does anything else EVER rightly count as "fruit"? Does anything else give true nutriment, carry seeds of true life, or
...
Third: Christianity is founded upon the Resurrection.
Fourth: The Resurrection would never have happened if Jesus hadn't literally died.
...


103023

Oct. 30th, 2023 10:59 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Exhausted physically & tortured mentally from last night.
Raining but still ran to church. Couldn't bear the thought of not receiving the Eucharist.

So sleep-deprived disoriented during Mass; triggered CANNON???? Like DIRECTLY, as she has FIRST PERSON MEMORIES of feeling that way at Marywood CONSTANTLY

🌟CENTRALITES ARE ALL TIED TO WHITE/BLACK?? AND SPECIFICALLY DETERMINE "FUNCTION ANALOGUES" IN ALL OTHER HUES????
⭐IS THIS WHY CERTAIN HUES ARE SO EMPTY??? BECAUSE CENTRAL ISN'T FULL???
⭐THIS IS ALSO WHY HUE SLIDING & FUNCTION BLURRING ARE SO GLOBALLY DEADLY!!!

We NEED jargon for this, NOT using names but TERMS instead, like "rpg classes" almost. ❗DO "Protector," "Defender," etc. TIE INTO THIS???
⭐SCALPEL IS A "JOSEPHINA ANALOGUE"??????
Laurie= Spice, Lancifoliel???
Julie= Adelaide, "ganguro," Mulberry, MISSY??
Lynne= ??? TIED TO OLD BODY APPEARANCE, but ONLY DRESSY!!
Leon= Jeremiah!
...
...


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abbodfer = A striking chastisement against entitlement-- assuming everyone is always thinking about you, &/or that you are involved in what is going on.

MDE= More emphasis on the PERSONALLY RELATIONAL aspect of the Eucharist.
1) (quote)
2) Mysticism & the Eucharist, notably the shocking ardor of female mystics TO receive the Host. This revealed a notable recoiling in me???? I am AFRAID of such "eagerness" because it's DESIRE and that is ENTIRELY SEXUALIZED TO ME. Honestly that unhealed trauma-- which a big part of me is UNWILLING TO HEAL out of fear of "becoming capable of sexuality"-- is frighteningly proving to be a HUGE OBSTACLE TO ANY EUCHARISTIC DEVOTION for me.

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The VOTD reflection =
"God is eternal & everlasting. God is the same today as He was a thousand years ago and will be a thousand years from today. This is an incredibly comforting truth that God will always be the same loving and dependable God He's always been. We never have to worry that God will act differently than what we learn about Him in Scripture. The same God who created the heavens and the earth is the same God who loves and cares for you today.
Because God is eternal, He knows the beginning and the end. Therefore, we can trust Him in the midst of our journey, that He knows what He is doing, and that all things will work out for HIS GOOD."

I emphasized those last two words because WHAT A KEYPOINT!!!
Yes, God will "make all things work together into good for those who love Him," but all things ALREADY are working out for GOD'S GOOD-- for HIS GLORY!! Therefore, all we have to do is TUNE INTO THAT REALITY by loving Him, because when we love God, WE seek only His Glory & Good, and therefore "all things" will be for OUR good now, too, in that loving unity of RELATIONSHIP.
...
Also essential: God's Character is REVEALED IN SCRIPTURE, especially through Jesus Christ in the Gospels.
...
Lastly... trust His Character AND His Knowledge working in tandem. God is always loving & dependable, no matter WHAT is happening on earth. He KNOWS why this is happening, and KNOWS how & why & when it will end. Of course I'm thinking about the war in Israel. I don't understand it at all. But God is still Good, still Just, still Righteous, still Merciful, still Loving. ALL I CAN DO IS TRUST IN HIS CHARACTER. It's the only comfort & hope I have... and despite all invading struggles & fears, ultimately that hope is indomitable.
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KVOTD = the unexpected beauty of Revelation 5:13, in which ALL creatures EVERYWHERE are singing together to God. "All living beings in the universe" "join the angelic choir" and "worship with one voice," giving "praise, honor, glory, & power" to the Triune God "forever and ever." THAT IS HEAVEN. That is DEFINIVELY HEAVEN. The unity, the beauty, the love, the worship-- to be called there and abide there when we die is worth every sacrifice we can make here.
What a blissful hope, to be joined to all the cosmos in blessing our God in eternal song. 

The also unexpectedly beautiful prayer=
"God, You are so amazing. Your love makes me feel valued. Your strength makes me feel protected. Your grace makes me feel free. Thank You for all You've done for me. Please help my life be a living act of worship of You. I want to honor You in everything I do."
That's actually a powerful summary of how we must treat others as a Christian, which is a big part of HOW we worship God. Are we honoring His Name as literal bearers if it, as members of His Son's Body? Do we strive to make others feel valued by how we love them? Do we use our unique strengths to protect those who are weak & vulnerable in those areas? Do we help others feel the freedom of God's grace by forgiving them, showing mercy, and offering them hope?
THAT is how our lives become "living acts of worship." We must ACT, and in "living" ways, not static & automatic ones!

The questions asked, "how will you worship God today?" with the options of prayer, giving alms, & song. I thought, "well I already did the first two today, but I'd be abashed to do the third??" PRIDE & SELF-HATRED TAGTEAM FROM HELL.
I immediately thought "You can't fake it if you're singing"?? Like, you can give alms & even pray in an "automatic" way-- although there is no spiritual merit in that, and it is arguably a venal sin-- you cannot really "go autopilot" with singing?? As a cantor it DEMANDS attention. The real risk there is, as I said, pride at performance, or self-hatred at hearing one's own voice.
But already this isn't true. You CAN "go on autopilot" when singing, if you've sang that particular bit often enough for it to run a "muscle memory" script.
...

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Hopefully finishing up Matthew Henry's Commentary today, we're at verse 48.


"Who they are whose unbelief is here condemned: those who hear Christ's words and yet believe them not... those that have heard, or might have heard, and would not, lie open to this doom... the constructive malignity of their unbelief, of their not receiving Christ's word, is that such is interpreted as a rejecting of Christ. It denotes a rejection with scorn and contempt. Where the banner of the Gospel is displayed, no neutrality is admitted; every man is either a subject or an enemy."
First: if you had the CHANCE to hear Christ's Words and CHOSE NOT TO, you are morally culpable???? This is STILL a "refusal to believe", except "cutting out the middleman" of actually hearing the Word, thus trying to excuse yourself by ignorance.
...
Second: I had to Google that term and it's essentially "MALICE AFORETHOUGHT"-- the term used to describe predisposition to murder. It means that a man committed a crime with the depravity of heart to WANT to do grievous harm even to the point of murder, or with enough cold indifference to not care if someone died as a result of their depraved actions. ANDTHAT IS WHAT OUR UNBELIEF DOES TO JESUS CHRIST.
...
Third: THERE IS NO NEUTRALITY IN SPIRITUAL WARFARE. There is NO SUCH THING AS MORAL RELATIVISM. There is NO "GRAY AREA" when it comes to FAITH! When Christ speaks, you either believe Him or you don't. There is no sitting on the fence. Why? Because CHRIST IS GOD, GOD IS TRUTH, AND HIS GOSPEL BRINGS LIFE OR DEATH DEPENDING ON OUR RESPONSE. We talked about this yesterday in Deuteronomy.
To say you believe something is true, and then fail to act accordingly, is like saying you believe in your lung cancer diagnosis but then persisting in your chainsmoking habit. It's like saying you believe in the accuracy of the map directions but refusing to refer to them as you drive. It's disastrously hypocritical, and it proves that your heart is too proud to commit, obey, or trust in anything but itself. And THAT is what kills you.
There is no faith in heaven because there you KNOW that God is God, and that He is One. In a lesser way, when we see Christ and RECOGNIZE HIM AS GOD BY THE SPIRIT, FAITH BECOMES MANDATORY BECAUSE WE HAVE BEEN FACED WITH ABSOLUTE TRUTH AND MUST EITHER ACCEPT IT OR REJECT IT FOREVER. If pride wins you over in that decisive moment, then just like Lucifer, you will have made your choice.
Either you stand with Jesus Christ or you stand with Satan, and all of Creation already knows, through the Reality of the Cross, that in the end, no matter what happens before then, the Lamb wins. So do not be fooled... and do not be afraid.


"On the day of the revelation of the righteous judgment of God, unbelief will certainly be a damning sin. Some think when Christ saith, "I judge no man", He means that they are condemned already. There needs no process, they are self-judged; no execution, they are self-ruined... That word of Christ, "He that believes not shall be damned", will judge all unbelievers to eternal ruin; and there are many such like words... how justly those will perish who reject Christ and His Word! Those who disobey Christ despise everlasting life, and renounce it; so that not only Christ's words will judge them, but even their own; so shall their doom be, themselves have decided it; and who can except against it? ...Every word Christ spoke, every sermon, every argument, every kind offer, will be produced as a testimony against those who slighted all He said, [and] will convict them as the evidence of their crime... Nothing is more dreadful than abused patience, and grace trampled on."
That first part is so frightening. If we choose not to believe in Christ, there is no need of a trial, no need to find evidence, no need even to give sentence, or send to the guillotine-- our unbelief does ALL OF THAT ITSELF. The prevailing truth is that unbelief is such a flagrant sin against reality, such an unjustifiable offense, that the very choice itself IS damning, IS death itself. "They are self-ruined," and the horror is that nothing in creation COULD ruin them more. Unbelief cuts them off from God, and willingly so-- it is the definition of hell. God does not send them there; they escort themselves, even with smug satisfaction, not realizing that they have chosen the everlasting torment of impenetrable darkness. They have decided to die, because they were offered eternal life and they themselves judged that they were fund without it-- it wasn't what they desired, it didn't appeal to their interests, it didn't touch their hearts at all. They decided that eternal life wasn't worth the cost, and so justly their only remaining option was eternal death. Do unbelieving souls even consider this? Or do they laugh at the very idea of it? But such mockery itself is further judgment against them: it shows that they deny eternity itself. They have nothing to hope for by their own choosing.
I'm rambling. Sorry. Anxiety is very bad today, hence the ridiculously pretentious language.
I want to focus on this= "
First, unbelief is damnation. Damnation only occurs when there is unbelief in Christ.
Furthermore, the emphasis is CONSTANTLY on CHOICE and JUST DESERTS in this regard.
...
Second, to not believe in Christ will ruin you, because separation from Christ is separation from everything good and true and holy.
Third, to not believe in Christ is a self-judgment because it reveals where the passions and loyalties of your heart truly lie. Christ's character is evident as purely righteous, noble, and pure-- His Words are all trustworthy and edifying, every one of them meant for our salvation. Even to many pagans, Christ is evident as a truly morally excellent figure, full of spiritual truth, in a league of His own apart from all men. They do not believe in Him as God but they can still recognize the Divine in Him, and they do not reject His teachings outright. But some do. Some hearts do reject Christ wholesale, blind to His beauty,
...
Fourth, "those who disobey Christ despise everlasting life, and renounce it."
...
Fifth, EVERY SINGLE ACTION & WORD OF CHRIST CAN & WILL TESTIFY AGAINST US IF WE "SLIGHT IT," BECAUSE EVERYTHING HE EVER DID OR SAID IN HIS GOSPEL WAS HOLY & DEIGNED BY GOD.
...
Sixth, "nothing is more dreadful than abused patience, and grace trampled on." It is far too lethally easy to become complacent in life and presumptuous concerning God's mercy. The Psalmist lamented this very thing: "why do the wicked prosper?" Why does God let them thrive & succeed, apparently painless & worry-free, for so long? It is because He doesn't want the sinner to perish, and He will give every single possible chance & opportunity & grace to recognize God's Goodness and their own failure to live up to it and He HAS to do this gently in many cases because their souls aren't mature or awake enough to handle an outright conviction. It takes time to prepare them morally for the decisive moment, when they CAN recognize their sins and CAN honestly receive & accept that first impetus of grace TO repent... but there is never a guarantee. Even then, they have free will to choose. And, lest we forget, the devil is CONSTANTLY WARRING AGAINST GOD to steal & seduce souls to sin. So God's long-suffering patience & grace are standing in clear opposition to Satan's weaponizing of the world & the flesh, and that war can go on for decades with neither side ever backing down... that is, IF there is ACTUAL BATTLE HAPPENING. If God is giving patient opportunity for repentance, withholding punishment and even allowing that sinner to experience good fortune, but that sinner keeps ignoring or denying or even rejecting God outright, then God will withdraw His mighty Power, and leave that sinner unmoored in the seas of hell. Then watch how quickly their life disintegrates. This is why you see rich & affluent & "happy" people suddenly commit suicide. They despair, because they have refused to accept the real hope that was offered them.
Additionally, all that "trampled grace" is ALSO "EVIDENCE AGAINST" them. God went above & beyond to help, to show mercy, but it was spurned. God cannot be blamed.
...
I cannot type this evening, I'm sorry.


""Whatsoever I speak, it is as the Father said unto Me": Christ was intimately acquainted with the counsels of God, and was faithful in discovering so much of them to the children of men as it was agreed should be discovered, and kept back nothing that was profitable... He spoke the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. This is a great encouragement to faith; the sayings of Christ, rightly understood, are what we may venture our souls upon. It is also a great example of obedience. Christ said as he was bidden, and so must we; Christ communicated what the Father had said to Him, and so must we. In the midst of all the respect paid to him, this is the honour he values himself upon: that what the Father had said to Him, that He spoke, and in the manner as He was directed, so He spoke. This was His glory: that, as a Son, He was faithful to Him that appointed Him; and, by an unfeigned belief of every word of Christ, and an entire subjection of soul to it, we must give Him the glory due to His Name."
First: Christ hides nothing from us that we need to know for salvation. This is further ammo against gnostic tendencies. We have no need to "seek out further hidden knowledge"-- Christ IS all knowledge and wisdom, and what He says in the Scriptures contains all its treasures, available to all who seek with all their hearts. The Holy Spirit is specifically given to us FOR this purpose of sharing in the knowledge of God, which is a divine pun-- it is only in KNOWING GOD, through knowing CHRIST JESUS, that we gain any and all true knowledge. What we think "Christ didn't tell us" is an illusion and a falsehood. That is the lie of the Serpent in Eden. Christ literally told us EVERYTHING WE NEED FOR SALVATION & ETERNAL LIFE. The question is: do we TRUST His trustworthiness?
Second: we can therefore literally "bet our every atom" on the verity of Christ.
Third: we must say what we have been TOLD to say-- which is synonymous with this: we MUST communicate what God has said to us. Christ charges us to preach the Gospel to every creature-- the very Gospel that was HIS COMMISSION FROM THE FATHER. That same divine charge is given to us IN Christ and BY Christ.
...
BUT BE WARNED: Christ NEVER "edited anything." He NEVER added His "own opinion," or altered words for different audiences or political correctness. He said EXACTLY what the Father told Him to, in the EXACT WAY He was told to. Do we?
...
Fourth: obedience is Christ's honor. That obedience is perfected in the CROSS.
...
Fifth: HOW TO GIVE CHRIST DUE GLORY. This is so important. If God's Glory IS the Cross, and the Cross is Christ's perfect obedience and love to His Father, and every Word He spoke of His Gospel was ultimately leading up to and contained in the "preaching" of the Cross Itself... then the only way we poor mortals CAN glorify God is by offering those things in return to Him?? "To God alone belongs glory," after all; everything Good we have at ALL comes from Him as a gift. Still, glory is His due.
So, if it was Christ's glory to be obedient to His Father, then we glorify the Father by ALSO being obedient to Him BY obeying Christ. We trust His Gospel message, we do what He says, we communicate His Truth to others, we follow Him to the Cross. We believe every Word without hesitation and we conform our souls to it-- to Him-- even unto death. If Christ speaks the Word of God-- if Christ IS God-- then to glorify Him is to make Him the center of our existence. To glorify Him is to testify to His Divinity by unflinchingly & without exception declaring Him to be True in Word and Works, by imitating Him in both. We make His Life & Death the exact pattern and model of our own. God must be glorified with everything we have & are. But the first step is openly & freely & absolutely owning Jesus Christ AS God... and you cannot do that if you do not obey Him. That is, simply, the Glory He deserves most, for it is one He cannot receive otherwise: the willing submission of a humble heart to His Law of Love. 


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Today we're taking a very much needed detour through 1 Peter 5:7 in light of current world events, and our daily panic attacks & control obsession, which are CHOKING us today.


"Anxiety implies not only some distrust of God’s providence, but also some kind of belief that we may be able to manage better for ourselves; therefore here, as in the Sermon on the Mount, we are exhorted, especially in time of danger, simply to do what we know we ought to do, and to be unheeding about the rest.
“Lord, it belongs not to my care / Whether I die or live.”
The confidence cannot be misplaced, for God is not forgetful of us."
I CANNOT manage better for myself. I've proven that disastrously, time and time again.
...
What is it we KNOW we ought to do? Don't let obsessive anxiety create false doubts. The answer is in Micah.
"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God."
...
I remember how, many days in the hospital, I would repeat the first half of Job 13:15 over and over like a mantra. "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him." "God may kill me, but still I will trust Him."
...





102923

Oct. 29th, 2023 08:08 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

HAPPY CEMETERY SUNDAY I ACCIDENTALLY FASTED FOR 20 HOURS 😂

12PM SUPERFAST BK PREP

Homily = "our neighbor is the person most in need of our love"
Like Father Elston, he emphasized that LOVE DOESN'T ENABLE EVIL; IT OFFERS THE ONLY WAY OUT OF IT.

FINALLY EATING AT 330PM 😂
The eggs were SO FROZEN but that means they now have the BEST TEXTURE

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KVOTD = "Heaven is all about worship. This truth reminds us of the bigger reality, and of what our life is truly about... [Revelation] challenges us to daily play our part in God's grand plan & story. We are called to worship God, and we have a role in advancing God's Kingdom here on earth... we must live in a way that reflects His Love & Truth."
"We cannot fully understand heaven, but we can trust that it will be worth the wait."

I'm laughing though; he referenced the lightning, lamps, & crystal sea, BUT NOT THE LIVING CREATURES COVERED IN EYES, haha. Come on man, Halloween is Tuesday, if we're gonna worship ALL of God we can't ignore the polycephalic angels. They exist for God's Glory too!

BTW I was inspired to read some of Revelation 1, but the TPT translation... and oh my heart the COMMENTARY.
I kid you not it NEEDS ITS OWN FOCUSED ENTRY. The TPT usually does, honestly-- it is a blessed sword right between the ribs.

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Matthew Henry Commentary continues, verse 44!

FIRST I finally had the common sense to look up the GREEK of "He that believeth on Me," and the word is "εἰς"... which does NOT mean "on" BUT it DOES mean THIS =
"to or into (indicating the point reached or entered, of place, time, purpose, result); properly, into (unto) – literally, "motion into which"; implying penetration ("unto," "union") to a particular purpose or result... of a place entered, or of entrance into a place, into; and a. it stands before nouns designating an open place, a hollow thing, or one in which an object can be hidden."
HOWEVER??? "If the surface only of the place entered is touched or occupied, εἰς may (often) be rendered on, upon, to mark the limit reached, or where one sets foot."
SO GEEZ WOW APPARENTLY BELIEVE "ON" ISN'T THE BEST TRANSLATION in the big picture??? I mean, yes, faith might begin by "touching the surface only," and indeed rightly so, in context, without the Holy Spirit poured out, and as a check against pride... BUT our faith MUST become "believing INTO Him," NOT just "on Him." We mustn't just "set foot" in faith & stand there complacent; we must MOVE FORWARDS, move beyond the surface, literally INTO Christ, into His Person, His Heart... and we can only do this by first letting Christ move into our open hearts, emptied of the self & the world, where His Word can now "be hidden" as the Psalmist prays, and where He can begin to enter into union with us... for the very purpose of enabling us to return the action. IT'S RELATIONSHIP, remember! Union is MUTUAL! Christ's Heart is ALREADY open to us, speared upon the Cross! Christ's Body is ALREADY a place where we can be hidden from evil, hidden in His hollowed-out Wounds! The Crucified Christ IS the Place & the Time where the Purpose of everything is brought to its ultimate Result, which is everything being "drawn unto Himself"-- the gravity of grace calling all Creation to finally "reach & enter that Point" upon which the very cosmos turns.
Lastly, I keep skipping the word "penetration" from the the knee-jerk scandal of such a term. And yet, what does the etymology say?
"to pierce into or through"... "to put or get into, enter into; cause to go into." This is related to penitus: "within, inmost, interior," penetralis: "penetrating; innermost;" penus: "innermost part of a temple, store of food," penarius "used for storing food;" Penates: "household gods." ALL are from penus/penoris "food, provisions," ... from PIE *penos "food" (source also of Lithuanian penėti "to feed")... "The semantic appurtenance to 'feed' is explained... as 'what one feeds with' ('food') > 'the place one feeds at' > 'interior, home'.""
...WELL.
Do you let His Word get into you? Do you put it into yourself? Do you let Him enter into your personal space? Does your faith cause you to go into His? Just how deeply DOES your faith pierce, into yourself AND into Christ? Is Christ the innermost part of YOUR Temple? Is Christ the God of YOUR household? Is Christ YOUR source of food & provisions? Whatever you eat, whatever you worship, wherever you live, these are your basic necessities, they are all linked, they affect the innermost parts of your body, your soul, your mind. Does your faith in Christ pierce through to these innermost aspects of your life? Does it pierce into, "εἰς," in union with Him, in moving towards Him, as a place to enter & be entered by, to hide in & keep hidden in your innermost, in your home of homes, in your hungry heart? And do we fix our eyes yet on the Cross & the Eucharist in ALL these aspects-- the ultimate union, the true food, the place of our rebirth, the hidden realities, the Source & Summit? Do we have faith INTO all of it?


"Now observe how our Lord Jesus delivered this parting word: he cried out. Doth not wisdom cry (Proverbs 8:1), cry without (Proverbs 1:20)?"
I have to pause here because of those references.
I and humbled to confess that my own understanding of "wisdom" is apparently BIBLICALLY FALSE. Those verses are ENLIGHTENING, both to the truth AND TO CHRIST.
What, exactly, DOES Wisdom shout? Pithy quotes? Inspiring insights? No, she LAYS DOWN THE LAW. "“Fools, how long will you love being ignorant? How long will you make fun of wisdom? How long will you hate knowledge?" She CONFRONTS THEM DIRECTLY ABOUT THEIR IGNORANT SINS. But then she says this= "‭I wanted to tell you everything I knew and give you all my knowledge, but you didn’t listen to my advice and teaching. I tried to help, but you refused to listen. I offered my hand, but you turned away from me... ‭Fools will call for me, but I will not answer. They will look for me, but they will not find me. That is because they hated knowledge. They refused to fear and respect the Lord. They ignored my advice and refused to be corrected. They filled their lives with what they wanted. They went their own way, so they will get what they deserve. Fools die because they refuse to follow wisdom. They are content to follow their foolish ways, and that will destroy them. But those who listen to me will live in safety and comfort. They will have nothing to fear.”
I'm pasting ALL of that so you can SEE HOW IT IS LITERALLY EVERYTHING JESUS CHRIST HAS BEEN SAYING IN JOHN'S GOSPEL!!!
...

"The raising of his voice and crying intimate, 1. His boldness in speaking. Though they had not courage openly to profess faith in his doctrine, he had courage openly to publish it; if they were ashamed of it, He was not, but set His face as a flint. 2. His earnestness in speaking. He cried as one that was serious and importunate, and in good earnest in what he said, and was willing to impart to them, not only the gospel of God, but even his own soul. 3. It denotes his desire that all might take notice of it. This being the last time of the publication of his gospel by himself in person, he makes proclamation, "Whoever will hear me, let them come now." Now what is the conclusion of the whole matter, this closing summary of all Christ's discourses? It is much like that of Moses (Deuteronomy 30:15): See, I have set before you life and death." 
First: the simple yet huge statement that Jesus was never ashamed to say what He said. He never hesitated, never watered-down, never sugar-coated, never took back a single word. Why? Because everything He said was ABSOLUTE TRUTH FROM GOD, and it was ORDERED FOR SALVATION. There was nothing to be ashamed of! He spoke wisely, rightly, humbly, truly, with authority & knowledge & prudence, with mission & love, with pure motives & holy ends.
...
Second: that criterion of truly earnest preaching of the Gospel, in that Christ spoke not just words, but His own Soul! I don't think we realize that about HOW He preached His Gospel. His Words were also spoken entirely of & from His Heart. He WANTED us to hear and believe, and that "wanting" was the same as His thirst from the Cross.
...
Third: LIFE AND DEATH. The parallel is striking. Moses spoke those words after he tells Israel to "keep & obey the terms of their Covenant" with God, following His Laws, and explained what would happen if Israel did so, and what would happen if they refused to... and then he says THIS=
"‭For this commandment which I command you this day is not too difficult for you, nor is it far off... But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your mind and in your heart, so that you can do it."
And isn't THAT a powerful foreshadowing of Christ the Word, in the Gospel and Eucharist and Spirit?
...

"By believing in Christ we are brought into an honourable acquaintance with God: "He that believes on Me, and so sees Me, believes on Him that sent Me, and so sees Him"... He that sees Me  (which is the same with believing in Him, for faith is the eye of the soulsees Him that sent Me; in getting an acquaintance with Christ, we come to the knowledge of God, for God makes Himself known in the Face of Christ, Who is the express image of His Person. All that have a believing sight of Christ are led by Him to the knowledge of God, Whom Christ has revealed to us by His Word and Spirit... [thus] our faith does not terminate in Christ, but through Christ it is carried out to the Father that sent Him, to Whom we come as our end, by Christ as our Way."
I'm emphasizing this for "faith is the eye of the soul," and "he that believes in Me SO sees Me"; "seeing is the SAME AS believing." This is no new-age magical-thinking blather. This is SCRIPTURE. God is literally telling us that TO SEE HIM, we must BELIEVE IN CHRIST. It all feels endearingly like a Moebius strip. To believe in Christ, we must believe that He is from God, that He IS God, and when we do, we are able to SEE the Truth of Him AND God the Father THROUGH Him. I won't overcomplicate it with my own babble. But, what amazes me is the "getting an acquaintance with Christ." We must get to know His Face. That devotion has always been mysterious to me, yet I am always drawn powerfully to it. The very basic truth of it is staggering: God became a human being, and this IS His Face. That's ineffable.
...
...

"Observe the comfort of Christians: They do not abide in darkness. They do not continue in that dark condition in which they were by nature; they are now light in the Lord. They were without any true comfort, or joy, or hope, but they do not continue in that condition; for light is now sown for them. Whatever darkness of affliction, disquietment, or fear, they may afterwards be in, provision is made that they may not long abide in it, and they are delivered from that darkness which is perpetual, and which abideth forever-- that utter darkness where there is not the least gleam of light nor hope of it."
This is, seriously, such a deep comfort to see written down. I struggle to accept that this IS real for me, too, as a Christian.
"Light is sown for me." I didn't do it; I couldn't-- God did. He planted these dazzling & deathless seeds, lit these blooming & ever-blazing lanterns. I have been GIVEN comfort & joy & hope, not as abstract concepts or vague aspirations, but IN A PERSON, in Christ Jesus, Who IS Light and Who has made me light in calling me to Himself-- into Himself, remembering our Greek lesson earlier. And now that I am so changed, it doesn't matter what darkness I may encounter or struggle through, because "it can't put out a single candle," not even a smoking flax, if Christ is the spark within it. Light banishes darkness by its very Presence, however small that point of Presence may appear. "Though I walk through the dark valley," my Shepherd is the Sun, and I fear no evil.
...That is why that tiny description of hell is so horrifying. Why is it hell? Because there is no hope of light. Oh, we can absolutely experience "hell on earth," when we lose the Light by sin, or when we have never known the Light to begin with... but as long as we live in this world, we have hope. Inexplicable, incredible, perhaps, but nevertheless, hope persists. Even in our darkest days, we CAN find a light somewhere. In disasters, we "look for the helpers," and we will find them. In tragedies, we will always find comfort & relief offered, even unexpectedly. Hope thrives. God has lit a flame of love in the soul of every man. Therefore earth can never be hell. But... if we keep smothering that spark, even trying to do so to others-- then when we die, that light in us that we so rejected will be blown out, and we will be cast into "utter darkness" because we can never rekindle that flame. There IS no hope there, in hell. There is NO comfort, NO consolation, NO relief or rest or happiness or love. All of those things are in Christ alone, and if you refuse His Light now, you'll have it justly removed from you forever. THAT is hell.



102823

Oct. 28th, 2023 11:16 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
HAPPY FEAST OF SAINT JUDE & SAINT SIMON!!
Gotta read about them in BACE to celebrate

Woke up at 620, took meds, couldn't sleep, went to couch.
Purposely Slept past alarm. Couldn't even find strength to wake up until 845 solely because we were SO EXHAUSTED AND IN PAIN.

Mom called, SHE'S GIVING US THE CAR FOR CEMETERY SUNDAY OH THANK YOU GOD, SERIOUSLY
We get to run to Mass today! GOOD, WE NEEDED TO GO TO CONFESSION.
Already prepared it on paper. Thanks Holy Spirit

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VOTD = possibly the last one from the Bible Project. We're so profoundly grateful for this past week from them.
Reflecting on what it means for God to be FAITHFUL.
Hebrew word "emet" means faithfulness AND truth.
"Emet can refer to correct ideas or concepts, because it has to so with stability and reliability." Example: MOSES PRAYING, his hands being held up by others made his hands "emet"= steady! "When used of people, it describes loyal & stable character, which is trustworthiness." Example: Moses appointing for judges only people "of emet," who wouldn't take bribes or distort justice.
"To say that God is "full of emet" doesn't just mean that He tells the truth, or stands for the truth. It means that God is faithful, trustworthy, just, reliable, upright"... this is why we call God a ROCK= because we can TRUST GOD TO BE CONSISTENT TO HIS CHARACTER!
⭐The Hebrew word for trust-- "he'emin"-- is the verb form of "emet," and it can mean "to believe" or "to have faith", but MAINLY to "consider someone trustworthy." ABRAHAM WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO "TRUST" GOD LIKE THIS. His descendants, Israel as a nation, ALSO "he'emin" God when He delivers them from Egypt-- but when they get to the Promised Land and see the giant occupants, that trust in God's trustworthiness FAILS... until DAVID shows up and defeats Goliath IN THE NAME OF THE LORD. "David "walked IN emet before the Lord"= David considers God to be faithful and RESPONDS in faithfulness!" THIS IS WHY God promises to "raise up a faithful descendant of David whose Kingdom would endure forever"... literally, that his Kingdom would "HAVE EMET." This faithful King "would BECOME the source of trust & stability for others, forever!"
⭐WHEN THE KINGDOM OF ISRAEL COLLAPSES, the people are left without a king or a home, and they mourn to God= "Oh God, WHERE is Your loyal Love that You swore to David IN Your "emet"?" "They are ACCUSING GOD of abandoning His promises to Abraham & to David"-- they accuse God of UNFAITHFULNESS. They are basically asking, "IS God trustworthy? Is He faithful after all?"
⭐THE FIRST LINE OF THE NEW TESTAMENT IS THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION... "This is the lineage of JESUS, THE MESSIAH-- the son of DAVID, the son of ABRAHAM." In other words, "through Jesus, God FULFILLS His Promises." In Romans 15, Paul says, "Jesus came ON BEHALF OF GOD'S FAITHFULNESS." Jesus IS "the Faithful King, Whose Kingdom WILL endure forever, and Who invites ALL nations to TRUST GOD."
+ "Now, trusting anyone is risky. Its hard to know if anyone is "full of emet." BUT the Biblical story portrays a God Who HAS been Faithful ALL ALONG, and Whose Promises were fulfilled in the story of JESUS. And so, as we look out at the obstacles facing us and our world, we are invited to take that same risk, and join Abraham, David, and the people of God, in trusting that God is overflowing with faithfulness."


The whole thing ends in a kaleidoscopic green flower pattern. That feels so right. Green, for us, has always been the color OF Faith, and the simple reality of green plants being "reborn" every spring, and the return of lush summer fruitfulness every year, is also tangible natural proof of God's faithfulness.

The reflection=
"Dependable friends are priceless. When they promise to help and then show up to truly help us, we call them reliable, trustworthy—faithful. Throughout the Biblical story, God is described as faithful because He truly does what He says He will do... we can trust what God says, placing our hope in His promises while believing God will be faithful. God rarely makes good on His promises in the ways that people expect, but He is still faithful to do everything He says He will.
When God takes on human flesh through Jesus, He remains just as faithful and true as He always has been. We hope in Jesus because Jesus IS God-- constantly trustworthy, always faithful. He promises to renew humanity and all creation, and because He is faithful, we can trust Him and embrace deep hope.
⭐When we become weary and heavily burdened from our jobs, relationships, and circumstances, Jesus is faithful to give us rest. When we confess our sins, Jesus is faithful to forgive us. When we live generously with our resources towards others, Jesus is faithful to care for our needs. We have hope in Jesus’ ability to renew everything and to reunite Heaven and Earth, as He promised. We can trust Him because [He is our truest Friend]... He is dependable, trustworthy— faithful."

...
Oh wow, I'm actually struggling with this. That's startling.
Deep down, I DOUBT THOSE STARRED EXAMPLES, in a TWISTED WAY. My brain does "the genie thing." I think, "Yes, He is faithful to give rest, BUT ONLY IF WE'RE WORTHY, and weary from saintly holy exertion. If I'm just weak & tired, then IT DOESN'T COUNT AS WEARINESS OR BURDEN and therefore HE JUSTLY & RIGHTEOUSLY WON'T GIVE ME REST. Instead, He will actually PUSH ME HARDER to make me exhausted in prayer, and THEN He will give me rest... but ONLY JUST ENOUGH, never more than the bare minimum, Because that's ALL I NEED. If I still feel exhausted, that's MY OWN FAULT of ingratitude & greed. It means I'm not yet "Holy enough" TO "find rest in Jesus"-- if I DID, I wouldn't even need to sleep or sit down!! THAT'S WHY JESUS WON'T "GIVE ME REST"-- BECAUSE HE IS TRUE REST, AND HE WILL NOT GIVE ME SOMETHING CONTRARY TO HIMSELF, FOR HE IS TRUTH." In short... no, I don't "trust Jesus" to give me the physical rest my body craves because THAT'S A SIN. You see what I mean?
As for CONFESSION... that's arguably even worse. "DID you ACTUALLY confess your sins?? ARE you sorry?? You KNOW you hid SOMETHING. You're NEVER SORRY ENOUGH. What about your penance-- did you say THAT correctly?? NO, so it DOESN'T COUNT. You'll have to say it THREE MORE TIMES as reparation. OH, BY THE WAY, all those HUGE past sins you can't forget? It's because you DIDN'T CONFESS THEM HONESTLY OR COMPLETELY ENOUGH. You effectively LIED in confession because you FORGOT to admit those little horrific details you still have nightmares & flashbacks about!! That's WHY you get flashbacks & nightmares! AND YEAH, YOU HAVEN'T ATONED FOR ANYTHING. YOU CAN'T MAKE RESTITUTION FOR YOUR ATROCITIES. So NO, you CAN'T EVER BE FULLY FORGIVEN, because if you WERE truly contrite, you'd sell EVERYTHING YOU OWN, down to the last thumbtack in your apartment, to MAKE REPARATION FOR YOUR CRIMES, and then live in ABJECT DESTITUTE POVERTY, with nothing but a Bible and a Rosary to your wretched name! But Since you WON'T, YOU AREN'T PENITENT, AND JESUS WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU."
That exact train of thought HAUNTS ME NONSTOP. I legitimately lose sleep over it regularly. I LITERALLY BELIEVE that I can "TRUST THAT JESUS WON'T FORGIVE ME," because "I'M NOT ACTUALLY SORRY." Nevermind that I frequently weep over my sins so hard I chose. Nevermind those bloody nightmares that remind me constantly of how evil I wish I had never been.
If I take ONE extra slice of carrot after my meal that God DIDNT TELL ME TO EAT, even if I'm just sharing it with my daughter, then not only am I being GLUTTONOUS and IMITATING EVE IN GREED, I'm also IDOLIZING MY CHILD and therefore committing a MORTAL SIN and since I NEVER think to confess it I WILL GO TO HELL. All that from EATING AN EXTRA CARROT SLICE. THIS IS LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE DAY.
...
As for "caring for my needs"... look at what I just wrote. WHAT "needs"??? "I don't need ANYTHING BUT GOD, and if I'm not happy with JUST HIM then I'm a DEVIL and I WILL GO TO HELL." But no, I DON'T "NEED" FOOD, or shelter, or more than one pair of clothes, or running water, or a bed, or time to sit down! And I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED a phone, or computer, or books, or blankets, or art supplies, or kitchenware, or any such luxuries!! Besides, you're NEVER GENEROUS ENOUGH with all the luxuries you DO have!! If you WERE, you ALREADY WOULD'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY!!! Are you so afraid to be left with Jesus alone?? You HYPOCRITE. "LET US BE CONTENT WITH FOOD AND CLOTHING!" BUT THAT FOOD IS THE EUCHARIST ALONE, and that clothing SHOULD BE A HABIT!!!
So, yeah, I "trust Jesus to provide for my needs," but that SOLE NEED is the EUCHARIST, so if I have that, HE IS JUSTLY FREE TO ANNIHILATE EVERYTHING ELSE. ...now imagine what this does to my sanity when I CAN'T GET TO DAILY MASS. There is literally no greater terror.
...
I need to pause this topic for now. Its getting late and I'm getting very mentally disheveled.
I need to talk to a priest about this ASAP though.

...and I just now realized WHAT the verse of the day is.
2 Thessalonians‬ ‭3:3‬.
"But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one."
"God can be trusted." "God is worthy of trust." "The Lord always does what He has promised." "God is steadfast." "The Lord never lets us down."

And BECAUSE of that, "He will help you to keep on trusting Him." "He will help you to be strong inside yourselves." "He will establish you on a firm foundation," and "protect you, guard you, and keep you safe" from harm, from the bad spirits, from all evil.
THAT IS WHAT GOD PROMISES TO DO... but to whom, in context? That's what my dark fears & doubts say.
"‭The Lord gives us confidence that you are doing what we told you and that you will continue to do it."
...am I though? Am I really? How can I tell? Am I just fooling myself, and trying to fool God as a result?
...I dropped two eggs while typing this. The Lord is very angry with me. I need to stop.


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Matthew Henry at verse 42.
I need to get my head back on straight, and my heart out of the freezing dark. Saint Jude pray for me. Laurie get over here fast.

"Some honour was done to Christ by these rulers: for they believed on Him, were convinced that He was sent of God, and received His doctrine as divine; but they did not do Him honour enough, for they had not courage to own their faith in Him. Many professed more kindness for Christ than really they had; these had more kindness for Him than they were willing to profess. See here what a struggle was in these rulers between their convictions and their corruptions."
Oh that is POWERFULLY PHRASED.
So, faith in Jesus consists in, first, "believing on Him." I've never been sure what "on Him" means-- which greatly distresses me as I've never found a solid explanation. A quick Google search gave me this well-meaning but skewed opinion=
"Believing IN Jesus Christ means that you believe that He exists, believing ON Jesus Christ means having faith and trust in Him."
Yes but why "ON"?? How does that MAKE the distinction, when Scripture itself, even JESUS HIMSELF (John 14:1), uses "believe IN" to refer to REAL FAITH??
Honestly, going humbly by my own intuition, "believe ON" means "casting all my cares upon Him," as both 1 Peter 5:7 AND Psalm 55:22 declare, "because He cares for you." THAT'S the "ON."
Oh hey, actually, HERE'S the "on," IN GREEK=
"1909 epí (a preposition) – properly, on (upon), implying what "fits" given the "apt contact," building on the verbal idea... epí ("upon") naturally looks to the response (effect) that goes with the envisioned contact, i.e. its apt result ("spin-offs," effects)." ... "used after verbs expressing motion to indicate the rest following the motion... figuratively used of that upon which anything rests."
WELL HEY, THAT EXPLAINS IT.
To believe "on" Jesus means our belief is the "place of contact" between Him and us-- therefore forging a connection, a relationship, whereupon we rest in Him, which CANNOT HAPPEN WITHOUT TRUST. It's BAKED IN.
...by the way, the first time we see the preposition "upon" in Scripture, is in the very second verse. "The Spirit was upon the face of the waters". I think that speaks volumes in and of itself.
...


...okay I need to paste this entire next paragraph, bit by bit, because it is the EXACT CONSOLATION I needed after this morning.
"See the power of the Word in the convictions that many of them were under, who did not wilfully shut their eyes against the light."
My immediate fearful thought is, "but HAVE I willingly shut my eyes to God's Word?? How do I know I'm not fatally, stubbornly blinded & fooling myself into thinking I can see??" This tells you how you know-- because YOU ARE CONVICTED BY THAT WORD. You are actually CONSTANTLY convicted. And as long as you DON'T SHUT THAT DOWN, then no, you're not willingly blind. Convictions of sin & inclination to it-- this terror you have OF sinning-- you wouldn't have those if the Word of God wasn't shining its Light into your darkest corners, and if you weren't genuinely UNwilling for them TO be dark. You're scared of all the filth that's being revealed by the sunlight, but you're keeping the blinds open, by choice.

"They believed on Him, as Nicodemus did-- received Him as a teacher come from God."
Don't you dare even ask "but DO I??' because those fearful protests are IGNORING THE EVIDENCE. Literally everything in my mind & heart immediately agree & consent that Jesus "IS FROM GOD" the very instant such a belief is inquired after. EVEN IF my unbelieving & idolatrous brother would say, "Jesus was just an enlightened human," I would naturally protest, without ANY doubt, "NO, Jesus is GOD." I literally can't deny that. I just have to make sure I DEFEND IT, even against indirect attacks.

"The Truth of the Gospel has perhaps a better interest in the consciences of men than we are aware of. Many cannot help but approve of that in their hearts which yet outwardly they are shy of. Perhaps these chief rulers were true believers, though very weak, and their faith like smoking flax."
Let me briefly quote Spurgeon.
"“The smoking flax shall He not quench,” is a text for you timorous, desponding, feeble-minded, and yet true-hearted believers, and you may appropriate it to yourselves. May the Holy Spirit help you so to do! ...A smoking flax represents a state in which there is a little good. The margin is “dimly burning flax.” It is burning; but it is burning very dimly. There is a spark of good within the heart. You, my dear friend, have a little faith; it is not much bigger than a grain of mustard seed, but faith of that size [still] has great power in it."
I too am that pitiful smoking flax. My faith is so feeble it can barely even be recognized as faith. But appropriate this to yourself, for heavens sakes. There's STILL A FIRE IN YOU YET. Even if it's been stomped down to a sputtering ember, it hasn't gone out, and JESUS WON'T PUT IT OUT. In fact, I think He will stoke that fire. There is very little goodness in you; hardly any, in fact... but that means that if Jesus flares that spark to blazing, the glory will be HIS, and thanks be to God for such a mercy!! Just don't miss the point. Jesus isn't doing it just to show off. He's doing it because He refuses to let you die. He sees your timorous, desponding, feeble-minded heart, still burning with all it's got to give, and His Own Heart responds with overwhelming compassion by pouring its Own Fire into yours. After all, Who do you think lit your poor flax in the first place, decades ago? It's a miracle you're even smoking at this point, and you can thank His mercy for that, too... because whether you realized it or not, that flame of faith He ignited wasn't lit by some little match or lighter-- no, it was transferred DIRECTLY FROM HIMSELF. So it CANNOT GO OUT, UNLESS IT LEAVES... and as long as you refuse to give up, then even if all you have the strength left to hold is a spark, it won't leave. There is still great Power in that spark. There is still real Life in that seed. The Gospel has a better interest in your convicted conscience than you realize. Your faith may be weak, but by grace, it is still true.

"It may be, there are more good people than we think there are. Elijah thought he was left alone, when God had seven thousand faithful worshippers in Israel. Some are really better than they seem to be. Their faults are known, but their repentance is not; a man's goodness may be concealed by a culpable yet pardonable weakness, which he himself truly repents of. The kingdom of God does not come in all with a like observation; nor do all who are good have the same faculty of appearing to be so."
...I never would have dared to dream this hope was legitimate. But here it is.
Maybe I'm better than I seem to be, too.
I know I'm the "odd one out" in church, that's obvious. I will probably never look like a "traditional Catholic girl," as that sort of presentation would be not only dishonest & dangerous for me but also pretentious & proud. I'm built differently, I speak differently, I'm not called to marriage or motherhood and I've never been included or accepted by other biological females, even as a child. But that doesn't invalidate my hopes for holiness??? Are you honestly, sincerely suggesting that even I'm still just the stupid ugly weirdo androgynous poor kid who dares to show their stubbled face in church, I can STILL become a saint???
But that's just mere physical appearance, as wretched as it is! I don't look like a good person at all, and looked straight-up like a hoodlum in the old days, but that's nothing compared to the state of my soul! (Who the heck is typing this??? Is that Tilly???)
...
Finish this later; phone typist thriskefoni are in a very unhealthy, morbidly sin-focused & subtly boastful state of mind. We have to admit that. All this self-abusive talk is actually seeking a response. It's not pure in humility or glorifying God. So pause this, pray & clear your head, and type later with God's guidance.
...
Some brief notes for what our heart truly feels moved to say by this :
Our past haunts us. Our faults are very clearly & painfully known by others, who were outright wounded by our sins, just as Christ was. Those injured souls don't know we are sorry. They don't know how much we have, by the grace & mercy & violent intervention of God, actually changed for the actual better. And honestly, even if they did hear of it, they would be completely justified in rejecting the news as a ludicrous lie. That's how bad we were; that's how badly they were hurt. We admit this. We contritely accept that response. And yet... the reality still includes our repentance, too. The understandable inability of an offended party to believe that new truth doesn't make it untrue. And that's our hope, anchored in God alone, moving onward into a brighter yet still aching future. Wounds linger, and must be healed; a change of heart doesn't magically remove them, in others or in ourselves... but at least now we're not tearing them back open again. At least now we aren't inflicting any more.
..."culpable yet pardonable weakness." What a novel concept. I don't think it truly existed before Christ.
...
Do we truly repent? Yes, yes we do. I don't know where the insistent denial comes from; it seems hellbent-- pun intended-- on refusing to even allow the possibility of redemption, of holy sorrow, of atonement & transformation. It denies contrition altogether. It wants to keep us trapped in coldness of heart, in apathetic despair, in merciless self-damnation.
...
...


"See the power of the world in the smothering of these convictions."
Well THAT'S a TERRIFYING opening line.
I mean it. That's why I isolated it. Let the horror of that statement sink in. The mortal world, the devil's realm, superimposed on creation and operating on lies-- that world, in which we all live even as Christians, has a real & demonic power to smother a man's conscience. It's just like in the movies-- Satan holds a pillow over your head until you die from the inability to breathe. What fluffy, comfy, soft & soporific pleasures are you burying your face in-- the face that is supposed to be turned towards the Son, awake to the Light? Have you buried your Head under a mountain of luxury? And what about the Spirit, the Ruach, the Breath of God? Are you letting Him in, or is there too much featherdown in the way? How smothered are your soul's convictions? Is your body dreaming too deeply to care?


"Observe, wherein they failed and were defective; They did not confess Christ. There is cause to question the sincerity of that faith which is either afraid or ashamed to show itself; for those who believe with the heart ought to confess with the mouth."
This is such an interesting "parallel" to the other truths that "faith without works is dead," and "love proves itself by deeds." Even so, the voice is the only thing that can make a confession. Works and deeds are needed, absolutely, but if you don't give them the backbone they need with your words-- if you don't give them the foundation of testimony to the truth that will elevate them to a higher level of purpose-- then you are still insincere. Your faith and love are still arguably "defective," because you won't speak of them.
This is like being married, and always taking care of your spouse, running errands, doing chores, buying gifts, et cetera... but never saying "I love you", and never admitting to others that you're married. Do you see how jarringly wrong that is? It's not just hypocritical, it's practically sacrilegious. It's the exact same thing with our faith and love for God. You can "be a good Christian" all you want; if you won't own the name, if you won't admit that you're in that relationship, then are you really a Christian at all? Think about it, because you're in that exact sinking boat, you duplicitous fool.

"What they feared: being put out of the synagogue, which they thought would be a disgrace and damage to them; as if it would do them any harm to be expelled from a synagogue that had made itself a synagogue of Satan, and from which God was departing. What was at the bottom of this fear? They loved the praise of men, chose it as a more valuable good, and pursued it as a more desirable end, than the praise of God; which was an implicit idolatry, like that of worshipping and serving the creature more than the Creator."
To us, this refers to our old idolatrous "places of worship"-- our "fallen temples." In the past, we had a LOT "to lose" by even considering Christ, let alone owning Him-- we would have been expelled from the artistic crowd we idolized, from the queen community we honored, from the relationships we worshipped, from the addictions we served day & night. We would have had to "put out" our OWN beliefs to accommodate His Presence; we would have had to "excommunicate" our own dreams & wants & goals if we submitted to His Law instead of our own. We had EVERYTHING to lose... but only because it was all doomed to be lost anyway. Christ made that VERY clear starting in 2010, when slowly but surely & suddenly He began to completely demolish & devastate ALL of the "false gods" and their temples in our life. And really... what an act of astounding mercy that was. You do realize that He refused to excommunicate US from HIS Temple? He could have easily left us in our false church, in our palace of lies, knowing full well that one day it would collapse and kill us. Instead, He condemned it and began dismantling it Himself, bit by bit, giving us both the time to escape its doom AND the ability to SEE just how rotten the foundations were.
The awful thing still isn't entirely gone, yet. There are a few shambled rooms barely standing, old locations of idol-worship that I, admittedly, keep wandering over near and glancing at, like maybe I could salvage something. Nope, don't you even dare, it's ALL UNDER THE BAN. Leave it alone. It's only death and you know it. Now I need to fully "move into" the Basilica of the King, which is nowhere near that old ruin, and which is more beautiful than anything I've ever imagined. THAT is where I am being welcomed into, as my new home and place of worship... but I need to OWN IT FIRST.
In conclusion: don't be afraid. There's nothing back there for you.
And yet, I struggle. Let me drop the metaphor and move on to the fear at the foundation-- let me confess why I am still failing to fully confess my Lord.
...
(Discuss "group acceptance" tempting; Tumblr mostly, shockingly! Why is this such a loud temptation now?? Is it because we lost our friends & our family shattered & we feel completely unmoored & unseen & unwanted??)
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"They set the praise of men in one scale, and considered how good it was to give praise to men, and to pay a deference to the opinion of the Pharisees, and receive praise from men, to be commended by the chief priests and applauded by the people as good sons of the church, the Jewish church; and they would not confess Christ, lest they should thereby derogate from the reputation of the Pharisees, and forfeit their own, and thus hinder their own preferment. And, besides, the followers of Christ were put into an ill name, and were looked upon with contempt, which those who had been used to honour could not bear. Yet perhaps if they had known one another's minds they would have had more courage; but each one thought that if he should declare himself in favour of Christ he should stand alone, and have nobody to back him; whereas, if any one had had resolution to break the ice, he would have had more seconds than he thought of."
...oh no, we're extremely guilty of this. What a crushing conviction. And yet, thank God that by His Light we can see where we desperately need grace to change.
Honestly, I think that people who are raised female, and who are caretakers, would be more prone to this. Pleasing people, yielding to their opinions, seeking that "good girl" pat on the head, and making others feel valuable & respected & honored-- all that is LEARNED SURVIVAL BEHAVIOR, EVEN FROM CHILDHOOD. You "HAVE" to prioritize & pander to the perceptions & positions of others, because they're all in power over you, and if you DO upset or offend or oppose or dishonor them, the consequences could be very direct and very permanent.
...
Nevertheless, Christ is worth the risk. ALWAYS. That is the ultimate and critical truth that His followers must accept & enact at all costs.
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102723

Oct. 27th, 2023 11:15 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

So very tired this morning. Headache, weak, a bit nauseous.

UMBRELLA HOMILY!!

Paul guilt CRUSHED us during prayer
Had to STOP and say a prayer ABOUT it= painfully contrite, asking for another chance to do right.
HOWEVER this revealed that we DON'T think of it as LISTENING TO PAUL??? We go into social performance panic, and THAT'S why we avoid him. But if we rewire our brain to JUST LISTEN, then it won't be such a dreaded "threat of encounter."
How shameful we are. At least God is showing us & then helping us heal & grow & change.

Burnt eggs = SELF-PITY DELUGE??? What the heck dude.
Thank You God AGAIN for revealing ANOTHER shameful inclination.
ALSO discernment of God vs devil lying as to what to do ABOUT the eggs.
+ DON'T trash them, DON'T throw away the burnt bits, DO eat them "as God gave them to you" without complaining, TRUST IN HIS PLAN HERE.

...

Thinking of Jesus alone in the Tabernacle down the street all day broke my heart. Asked my angel to carry my heart there, to put it in the Tabernacle with Him.
It's terrible to want so badly to live a purely spiritual life while still in the body & needing to attend to daily responsibilities. And I know I'm nowhere near strong enough as I am now, to adore for several hours a day. But I still get struck by the Spirit and I want to live there, more than anything else in the world. Just like I admittedly still dream of living in the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception, worshipping all day, my life becoming one endless praise & prayer. It's practically impossible, but I still think of it all the time. It's why I always wanted to be a cloistered nun-- I just want to dwell in the house of the Lord, all the days of my life, and for eternal ages after.
But... there were saints who were housewives, and soldiers, and students, and laypersons. They all became saints. Wherever God puts me, He calls me to love & serve Him, with the exact same inspired fervor & love that pulls my heart to that lonely ciborium in Saint John's. Christ is Present in that church, absolutely, but He is also Present in the Church. Is my ardor true & unconditional enough to consume my "pious pride" and serve Jesus with no such religious consolation? If not, then it's not His Love.

Evening =

Waiting for mom, SAT DOWN NEXT TO PAUL!
PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR REPARATION, THANK YOU GOD

House visit!
Scraped paint for mom, whacked down a pear, walked through garden leaves, ganked two of my old shiny leaves, chased cats away from tiramisu, talked to Mike about new anime, saw the HUGE MOON RISING


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The First Reading (Romans 7) is LITERALLY LIFE AS A SYSTEM, with the SOUL VS THE BODY, ESPECIALLY with longterm addictions & disorders =
"I know of nothing good living in me – living, that is, in my unspiritual self – for though the will to do what is good is in me, the performance is not, with the result that instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want. When I act against my will, then, it is not my true self doing it, but sin which lives in me. In fact, this seems to be the rule, that every single time I want to do good it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God’s Law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles against the law which my reason dictates. This is what makes me a prisoner of that law of sin which lives inside my body. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body doomed to death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
THIS IS OUR DAILY BATTLE, ALMOST WORD FOR WORD.
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...
I was actually just telling this to Chaos 0 & Mimic, too-- how what I truly want for them, above all else, is for them to be saved from sin and darkness-- to be redeemed from their bloody pasts & to find true life in Christ, with the rest of us. I want them to have that holy peace in their souls, as they are filled ever more with light & hope, literally being transformed into new creatures.
Man I want that for EVERYONE, now that I've been given the "surety" of it in Christ. I absolutely couldn't have sought or received or even wanted it on my own, as I was, as we were. But Christ reached down and pulled me out of the abyss.
...

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VOTD = The resurrection story according to Luke!
"The Kingdom of God turns the world upside down... Jesus preaches a new and radical way of life, where enemies become friends, the poor are cared for, and people find forgiveness for their failures." "Jesus said that the Kingdom belongs to the poor and the outsider, and that real power consists in serving others in love."
"Jesus said that the Jewish Scriptures were all pointing to His Death and Resurrection: that Israel needed a king who would suffer and die as a rebel, on behalf of those who actually are rebels. And then He would be vindicated by his resurrection, so he could give true life to those who would receive it."
The travelers on the road to Emmaus recognized Jesus ONLY WHEN "they took IN the broken bread"-- the very image of His broken Body on the Cross, AND a direct echo of the Last Supper! THAT ALSO UNITES THE THREE EVENTS: Life, Death, AND Resurrection, IN THE EUCHARIST!!
+ "it's hard to see Jesus for Who He really is... how could God's royal power and love be revealed through this Man's shameful execution? How could a humble man become the King of the world through weakness and self-sacrifice? Its very hard to see. But this is the message of Luke's Gospel. It takes a transformation of your imagination to see it and embrace Jesus's upside down Kingdom."
"The Disciples in the upper room were freaking out over Jesus's new resurrected Body... Jesus was STILL HUMAN, but "way more." He had passed through death and come out the other side, a walking talking piece of new Creation."
"Jesus tells them that He's going to give them the same Divine Power that sustained Him, so that they can go out and share the Good News of God's Kingdom with other people."
+ Why the Ascension? "In the OT, the skies were the place of God's Throne: they're above everything. So this is Luke's way of showing that Jesus has been Enthroned as the Divine King of the whole world."

Reflection =
"When people harm Jesus, He does not retaliate or try to get even. Instead, He loves and forgives. Even when soldiers are humiliating and killing him, Jesus is compassionate toward them: “Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they do” (Luke 23:34). Can you imagine loving and praying for your opposers even AS they hurt and kill you? How can Jesus be so weak when He's supposed to be powerful? Even more, how can He ask us to be vulnerable like Him? Wouldn't we be humiliated or even put to death, like Him? Jesus believes that death is part of His human storynot the end of His human life. He trusts God to preserve His life and restore it, even through suffering and death. Three days after his burial, Jesus is restored to new life. Resurrection! Jesus promises that, as His brothers and sisters, we will eventually experience His same resurrection.
Brutal and dark as it is, death does not defeat the goodness and light of life that God creates. So we stop fearing death. We stop hoarding resources and start sharing generously. We care for and pray for our opposers rather than trying to get even. We trust the power of God's patient love and learn to live peacefully with one another. Our hope is not focused on ways we can "prevent death." Instead, we embrace the death that all of us, including Jesus, have to experience. And we do so with living hope in the resurrected, living Christ Jesus— our Friend."

First: the active tense. "When people HARM Jesus..." It's still happening.
Second... I do think God wants to "get even" with me. I just realized that. I had no way to phrase the fear until now.
Third: vulnerability. How ironic, that it should now prove to be our biggest fear after all.
...
Fourth: human story vs human LIFE??? Massive depths there.
Fifth: "preserve & restore THROUGH DEATH," and trusting so absolutely "foolishly" in God's omnipotent Love.
Sixth: HIS resurrection, PROMISED to us, AS HIS SIBLINGS. Three very key points!
Seventh: BODILY DEATH IS NOT LIFE'S ENEMY. She does not stop goodness or light; actually, she often ENHANCES IT-- but ONLY IF WE HAVE THE TRUTH OF HOPE!!! Without hope, BOTH physical life & physical death become FEARFUL & EMPTY. But with hope, REAL hope, the hope WHO IS JESUS CHRIST, both are completely transmuted into joy.
Eighth: how not fearing Death-- thanks to Jesus-- transforms us & enables HOLY living, revealing shockingly how much of our sins ARE BECAUSE WE FEAR DEATH.
Ninth: Jesus reconciled ALL THINGS TO GOD, IN HIMSELF... INCLUDING DEATH. So now we can embrace her, too, as a friend in Christ.


Questions =
"How does the resurrection of Jesus give you hope?
1)When living like Jesus looks foolish and costs me, I remember that He lived through death and promised that I will too.
2) Rather than working to defend myself and to survive as long as possible, I can relax and know that my life is safe in Jesus.
3) Because Jesus has resurrected into new life, when I pray to Him I’m engaging not with a dead legend but with the living God."

...I'm actually almost in tears. I did not expect these to be so painfully applicable. Are we really THIS terrified of death?? We have ALL of these fears, but we haven't had ANY OF THESE HOPES. What on earth happened to us??
...
Even the PRAYER!! Somehow there IS a disconnect between our understanding of Jesus in History and Jesus in Heaven??? Like it "changed His attitude towards humanity." NO, IT DIDN'T. THAT'S THE ENTIRE POINT. He was ALWAYS GOD, even as a Man-- and now, in heaven, He is STILL ALSO A MAN-- THAT EXACT SAME HISTORICAL MAN.
...

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Continuing Matthew Henry at verse 36.

"It is the duty of every one of us to believe in the gospel light, to receive it as a divine light, to subscribe to the truths IT discovers, for it is a light to our eyes, and to follow its guidance, for it is a light to our feet. Christ IS the Light, and we must believe in Him AS He is revealed to us; as a True Light that will not deceive us, a sure Light that will not misguide us... Those that believe in the Light shall be the children of light; they shall be owned as Christians."
I'm emphasizing this, however obvious it may seem as Christian instruction, because for that very reason we take it for granted. We don't properly apprehend its import.
First: this is our DUTY, which is "something that one is expected or required to do by moral or legal obligation." That means that every single human being is justly expected to believe in the Gospel. Why? Because it is DIVINE LIGHT, and that very Divinity created us all. So of course we have a duty, as His creations, TO believe IN His Gospel-- that declaration of our true King, to Whom we are thus furthermore LEGALLY obliged to believe in "as a duty". Lastly, there's also duty in the sense of "moral obligation," because even the most ignorant & uneducated pagan child has a "natural law" of God in their little heart, a spark OF "divine light" by virtue of their creation BY the very Source of Light, Whose image that child innately holds. Our entire human existence is immersed in holy duty, which is to do just one simple thing-- to trust & accept God's Word.
Secondly... In this day & age, when we hear the Gospel preached, we must hear it AS GOD'S WORD. Far too many people nowadays think the Scriptures are a human invention... many of them don't even deny that there IS a God to begin with, let alone One Who cares so much about mankind. A scary amount of unbelievers think that they ARE God, effectively, and both treat & preach their OWN words as "truth". But then all the idol "truths" conflict. Then what? Do we let relativism erase the reality of Divinity altogether? Do we feign ignorant innocence of truth because we fear to admit a Higher authority? Do we echo Pontius Pilate and wash our hands of our moral duty, even as the crowds are screaming for morality's crucifixion? NO. WE SUBSCRIBE TO ONE TRUTH, THE ONLY TRUTH-- THE TRUTH OF JESUS CHRIST. He alone tells us what is real and good and righteous. Whatever He says, IS. We CANNOT argue or cavil. We CANNOT hesitate or look for loopholes. We MUST TRUST HIM WITHOUT RESERVE. What other option do you have? What else is out there but the devils lies? Rejoice that you have the light for a little while, and embrace Him with everything you've got.
Fourth: Jesus's Light, His Truth, doesn't just show us the Way-- it ENABLES us to walk it.
Fifth, something I can never understate or emphasize enough... JESUS CANNOT LIE. JESUS CANNOT DECEIVE. Whatever He tells us IS TRUE. Wherever He leads us IS GOOD.
...
Sixth... this is what it means to be a Christian. It means we are fully, really, rightly human... just like Christ.


"Jesus... said no more at this time, but left this to their consideration, and departed, and did hide Himself from them. And this He did, for their conviction and awakening. If they will not regard what He has said, He will have nothing more to say to them. They are joined to their infidelity, as Ephraim to idols; let them alone. Note, Christ justly removes the means of grace from those that quarrel with Him, and hides His face from a froward generation... what he said irritated and exasperated them, and they were made worse by that which should have made them better."
REMEMBER, WE GET WHAT WE GIVE, EVEN WITH SALVATION! If you refuse grace, refuse faith, refuse hope, refuse MERCY, then you will REAP THAT REFUSAL by simple justice. YOUR FREE WILL WILL BE RESPECTED, EVEN IF YOU MISUSE IT!! God never forces ANYONE to do anything against their will... EVEN TO BE SAVED.
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As for "being made worse," whose fault was that? Surely those who CHOSE to respond to gracious words with proud irritability and selfish exasperation!
...

"We have here the honour done to our Lord Jesus by the Old-Testament prophets, who foretold and lamented the infidelity of the many that believed not on him. It was indeed a dishonour and grief to Christ that His doctrine met with so little acceptance and so much opposition; but this takes off the wonder and reproach, makes the offence of it to cease, and made it no disappointment to Christ, that herein the Scriptures were fulfilled."
This is tough to grasp properly.
Is this how we should view the events of life, especially its trials, especially lately?
We must avoid nihilism, though. We must never shirk or erase responsibility altogether. Biblical AND approved revelatory prophecies for the future WILL be fulfilled, for God speaks Truth, but it is STILL YOUR CHOICE as to what side of the prophecy you'll be on, so to speak. God ALWAYS WARNS US FIRST, and long ahead of time. Pay attention to Him!!
Nevertheless, when we know something is God's Will TO happen, then that does help assuage the fear, if only through trust in His Promised Plans.
Likewise, we know through MANY prophecies (especially the titular Apocalypse!) that the End Times WILL involve immense suffering & persecution for faithful Christians, and disaster for the Church (albeit never destroyed), so even when those times arrive, knowing that it "fulfills Scripture" DOES "take off the wonder and reproach," as we can still trust in God despite death standing at our very shoulder. We won't let devilish offenses drive us from the true Faith because God warned us about such ploys. Christ will not be surprised by any of it, just as He wasn't back then, because in the end of all ends, HE is the Omega, the goal of ALL prophecy, and HE holds EVERYTHING in His Omnipotent Hands.
...


"The multitude of His miracles was not only a proof of His unexhausted Power, but gave the greater opportunity to examine them; and, if there had been a cheat in them, it was morally impossible but that in some or other of them it would have been discovered, [for] He wrought these miracles before them, not at a distance, not in a corner, but before many witnesses, appearing to their own eyes... and, being all miracles of mercy, the more there were the more good was done."
Oh wow, I never considered that about the proof of omnipotence! That's true!
I feel it's important to note that He left His miracles open to examination, too. He didn't seek to publicize or promote them, but He never kept them secret either. He just did them, right where & when they needed to be done, seeking neither fame nor reputation, and needing neither approval nor validation, but only working quietly & unstoppably for the glory of God.
Lastly, EVERY MIRACLE WAS MERCIFUL. Remember that, because THAT'S STILL HIS CHARACTER!!! Even today, when we pray to Him for great healings or cures or deliverances, we first MUST HAVE FAITH, and when He responds, it will ALWAYS BE WITH MERCY. The trouble is... we often presume we have enough faith, when we don't... or we ask for something we think is a worthy miracle, but it isn't... and when Christ says "no" to those situations, THAT IS STILL MERCY. Please remember that. But ALSO REMEMBER that Christ never leaves you empty-handed. Even to these unbelievers, He left wisdom and truth and hope and Light... they just wouldn't take it. They were too focused on having one particular want met in a specifically expected way, that they were blind & ignorant of the great and beautiful mystery of this Person offering His very Self to meet the deeper needs they wouldn't even admit they had.
I think that's the biggest lesson here. The endless miracles & endless power of mercy were all flowing from & pointing to the same single thing in the end... to Jesus Himself.


"The gospel is here called their report... which we have heard from God, and which you have heard from us... like the report of a matter of fact, or the report of a solemn resolution in the senate. [But] it is foretold that a few comparatively of those to whom this report is brought will be persuaded to give credit to it. Many hear it, but few heed it and embrace it: Who hath believed it? Here and there one, but none to speak of; not the wise, not the noble; it is to them but a report which wants confirmation... The reason why men believe not the report of the gospel is because the arm of the Lord is not revealed to them, that is, because they do not acquaint themselves with, and submit themselves to, the grace of God; they do not experimentally know the virtue and fellowship of Christ's death and resurrection, in which the arm of the Lord is revealed. They saw Christ's miracles, but did not see the arm of the Lord revealed in them."
First: the description of the Gospel as a report actually perfectly fits the prophetic & historical definition the Bible Project gave us this week, and which we wouldn't have known otherwise. The Gospel, the declaration of Christ's Kingship, was proclaimed in His miracles, and so they were indeed a royal report themselves! That report is NOT from men, and never was-- it originated IN CHRIST, Who ONLY did and spoke what He received FROM THE FATHER. So His Kingship, shown by His miracles, WAS a Fact, a solemn yet joyful resolution from the Creator of All. And just because it WAS from God Himself, ironically, is WHY so many men considered it "unconfirmed." They were thinking as men, as fallen creatures, as sin-blinded mortals... not by grace, not by the Light that was shining now right in front of them.
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When I read warnings like this, I always think: "how might this apply to us? DOES it apply to us?" What miracles has Christ worked in plain sight for us, but which we failed to see the Arm of the Lord working in?
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"We are sure that God is infinitely just and merciful, and therefore we cannot think there is in any such an impotency to good, resulting from the counsels of God, as lays them under a fatal necessity of being evil. [And yet] they were obstinately resolved in their infidelity, [in] the invincible refusal of the will... This is a moral impotency, like that of one that is accustomed to do evil."
First: NO ONE is "necessarily evil." NO ONE is "impotent to do good."
...
"And yet," it says, these unbelievers of Christ "could not believe". In my humbled opinion, this was because they had refused TO be able. I say this because I know what insane and blinding lengths the mind will heedlessly take just to deny or evade something it does not want to see or admit or accept.
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"God damns none by mere sovereignty... God is not the author of sin, and yet, there is a righteous hand of God sometimes to be acknowledged in the blindness and obstinacy of those who persist in impenitency and unbelief, by which they are justly punished for their former resistance of the divine light and rebellion against the divine law... judicial blindness and hardness are, in the word of God, threatened against all those who wilfully persist in wickedness... If God withhold abused grace, and give men over to indulged lusts-- if He permit the evil spirit to do his work on those that resisted the good Spirit-- and if in His Providence He lay stumbling-blocks in the way of sinners, which confirm their prejudices, then He blinds their eyes, and hardens their hearts... these are spiritual judgments, like the giving up of idolatrous Gentiles to vile affections, and degenerate Christians to strong delusions."

This entire truth, awful and vital, is something we must always emphasize. Free will, and our ability to not only choose sin, but neglect good-- both positive and negative evil-- have FATAL CONSEQUENCES.
Let me take this piece by piece.
First: God NEVER damns us "just because He can." That goes against His entire Nature. God WANTS ALL TO BE SAVED, always, no exceptions, forever. HOWEVER. We can still REJECT salvation, actively or passively, and He will also not save us "by mere sovereignty." Love gives the beloved the free option to reject that love, to choose to separate themselves from the lover. Otherwise, without this freedom to say no, there can be no willing, mutual, or true relationship. So God gives us that option. We can refuse His Love, even if we would be alone and empty and miserable without it. He still won't force us to accept His Love, OR to love Him, ever... but, like I just mentioned in passing, that rejection has real consequences.
Second... if we persist in rebelling against the Divine Law-- the exact same cosmic Rule that holds the very galaxy in order-- then what else could happen, but that we will effectively damn ourselves to a state of spiritual "primordial disorder" without the Spirit’s enlivening Influence? If we continue to resist the Divine Light, what else could happen, but that we damn ourselves to inescapable darkness, to the very degeneration of our spiritual sight, the actual atrophy of the eyes of our heart? We bring this ON OURSELVES, but God ALLOWS IT, in all justice, because WE CHOSE IT by our persistent impenitent sin... our repeated rejection of Love.
Third, we have the scariest line here to me: "God will withhold abused grace, and give men over to indulged lusts."
Fourth, remember the "room swept but empty." Even if our lives look clean & tidy on the outside, like a swanky new house, if our inside state is devoid of Life, without the spousal company of the Good and Holy Spirit... well, then the demonic squatters will sneak in to steal the space. That's just a spiritual law. The heart cannot be empty; that defies its very purpose. You will always find it filled with something... if not the beauty of God, then the ruin of sin. When we choose to worship ourselves and live alone in our heart... it's only a matter of time before egotism turns into animalism, and pagan promiscuity starts letting anyone in, secretly afraid of the suffocating solitary silence in the absence of Love.
...
Fifth, stumbling-blocks of Providence! What a concept! Let me grapple with this. They are described as such because they "confirm the prejudices of sinners," and are laid specifically TO do so. How is this Providential? Because it is a sign of God's spiritual judgment, a testimony of righteousness against their obstinate wickedness, and a proof of truth against their falsehoods. But what's an example?
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Sixth, DEGENERATE CHRISTIANS & DELUSIONS. I shudder to admit I WAS ONCE ONE OF THEM.
...


"Observe the method of conversion implied here, and the steps taken in it:
[1.] Sinners are brought to see with their eyes, to discern the reality of divine things and to have some knowledge of them.
[2.] To understand with their heart, to apply these things to themselves; not only to assent and approve, but to consent and accept.
[3.] To be converted, and effectually turned from sin to Christ, from the world and the flesh to God, as their felicity and portion.
[4.] Then God will heal them, will justify and sanctify them; will pardon their sins, which are as bleeding wounds, and mortify their corruptions, which are as lurking diseases.
Now when God denies His grace nothing of this is done; the alienation of the mind from, and its aversion to, God and the divine life, grow into a rooted and invincible antipathy, and so the case becomes desperate."

Hope and terror here together, as it always is in Scripture, and rightly so.
First, to be converted, we must first SEE-- we must, as plainly as our physical sight, SEE that divine things are not just REAL, but REALITY. There is a difference. To suddenly "see" that the Gospel is not just true historically, but Truth Itself-- rather, Truth HIMSELF-- to realize that Heaven and Hell, judgment and sin and grace and redemption, are ALL REAL and in fact DEFINE REALITY at every turn, that changes everything. It's like seeing colors for the first time. It's like hearing "Ephatha." And to really see something IS to gain knowledge of it-- you're not just passively absorbing visual data; you're looking, you're processing what is before you, you're gazing upon it.
But as to why sight is step one to conversion: you only need conversion because you turned away from God. You rejected Him. You wouldn't look at Him. You shut out all awareness and acknowledgement of His Love-- which, guess what? IS REALITY. You blinded yourself to Truth and you forgot what it looked like. Well... then you need to see it again, at long last, even just a glimpse. Then you have hope. But on your own, you can't even imagine it. It's like a color you've never seen... solely because you've been living in darkness. You need grace to shine a little light on your life *clap clap* and make you see.
Second: Seeing isn't enough. Even gazing & contemplating aren't enough. Wonder is wonderful, but James 1:23 warns us all that we still have weak eyes. When you look, then, you must press that image deeper-- you must emblazon it on your heart. You must understand what you see. The most stunning artistic masterpiece is still just a senseless splash of shape & color to one who doesn't understand what they are looking at. They must look into it, from inside themselves. "What is essential is invisible to the eye," after all. But... understanding goes deeper still. It implies a relationship has been forged, however small. There is now a connection between you and the thing understood. And this connection, this relationship, necessitates compassion. That is where conversion keeps its roots.
(APPLY TO SELF; ASSENT & APPROVE, CONSENT & ACCEPT)
...
Third:
...
Fourth: the promises!! God "WILL" heal you, and
BECAUSE now you are IN RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, and such benefits are INEVITABLE.
...
Fifth... the terror.
What happens when you "alienate yourself" from Life? What happens when you stop eating, or drinking-- what happens when you stop breathing? Do you realize that is the state of your soul without the Spirit?
...


"Such is the Knowledge of God that He cannot be deceived in what He foresees, and such His Truth that He cannot deceive in what He foretells, so that the Scripture cannot be broken."
A reminder that EVERYTHING IN SCRIPTURE IS TRUE.
...I'm struck by the description "it cannot be broken," BECAUSE it is true, as if implying that falsehood shatters things, and that all lies will BE shattered, by necessity.

 

102623

Oct. 26th, 2023 10:44 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Mood on the rocks all morning??
Twitchy, irritable, hard to concentrate.
Did we sleep badly?

Evening =
EWTN PURGATORY EDUCATION CHANGED EVERYTHING??? 
WE DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THIS!!!

Night on couch, listening to daylist, Japanese jazz??
SO MUCH LOVELY MUSIC. THANK YOU GOD. It's been SO LONG since we had a good music night, OR so many new tunes.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = more of the Bible Project, AWESOME. I am genuinely so euphoric about this special week. I NEED to look into their ministry besides the app.
Transcribing and commenting in realtime again=
IT'S THE HOLY SPIRIT!
"On page one of the Bible, the untreated world is depicted as this dark chaotic place, but then above the chaos, God's Spirit is there, hovering and ready to being about life and order and beauty."
STARTING OFF WITH A SWORD STRAIGHT TO THE HEART
"What is God's Spirit? Its the way the Bible's authors talk about God's personal Presence." The word for it, "ruach," can also refer to "wind" or "breath"-- BOTH being invisible forms of energy, of power and vitality. "Just as breath keeps our bodies alive, so God's Spirit keeps our souls alive, and sustains ALL of Life."
That's such a gorgeous comparison. The Holy Spirit IS the BREATH OF GOD, but yes, in that intimate and powerful and energizing a way! With breath we SPEAK, we inhale and we exhale, we take Life in and give it out to others-- just think of plants. Breath, in and of itself, IS an absolute & indispensable icon of Life... just like Blood. Nature reflects the Truth of God.
In the Bible, "we see God's Spirit giving special empowerment to people for specific tasks." The first was JOSEPH, interpreting dreams. THEN BETZALEL, an artist!! He was "empowered with wisdom and skills, with creative genius to make beautiful things in the Tabernacle"! But most notably are the PROPHETS, each one "inspired by" the Spirit, the very Breath of God Who spoke THROUGH THEM. But also, by that Spirit, "They are able to see what's happening in history from GOD'S point of view!"
"And HERE'S THE PROBLEM as the prophets saw it. While God's Spirit had created a really good world, humans have given in to evil. They've unleashed chaos INTO it through their injustice. This was a new type of disorder." "But the Prophets said that, just like in Genesis 1, the Spirit WOULD come, but now to transform the human heart, to empower people to truly love God and others."

This promise is spoken through the Prophets for centuries but it doesn't come to pass UNTIL JESUS SHOWS UP. In the very beginning of His Ministry, at His Baptism, the Spirit comes down from heaven and RESTS ON HIM... just like it came & hovered upon the waters in the very Beginning. This direct parallel is literally showing us that the Spirit is empowering JESUS to BEGIN THE NEW CREATION. "We see this HAPPENING when Jesus heals people, or forgives their sins: He is creating Life where there once was death."
Even when Jesus was opposed and killed by humans ruled by loveless disorder & chaotic injustice, even in Christ's actual death, God's Spirit is at work. The disciples, who first saw Him after His Resurrection, said that it was God's SPIRIT that raised Him. He had become HIMSELF the BEGINNING of the New Creation.
⭐When He appeared, resurrected, to His followers in the upper room, He BREATHED ON THEM, and said, "RECEIVE THE HOLY SPIRIT." Soon after that, Pentecost happens, and from then on the Spirit powerfully comes down on ALL Christ's disciples, and empowers them to become a PART of this new Creation-- to share the Good News and learn how to live BY the energy & influence of God's Spirit.
"And so, today, the Spirit is still hovering in dark places, pointing people to Jesus, transforming and empowering them so they can love God and others. And the Christian Hope is that the Spirit IS going to finish the job. The story of the Bible ends with a vision of a NEW HUMANITY, living in a NEW WORLD that is permeated with God's Love, and Life-giving Spirit."


The written reflection, which HITS LIKE A TRUCK AS USUAL=
"Many of us hope to become better people as we journey through life, but we often get stuck and wonder if we're getting anywhere. We might want to be better at showing patience to others, but we also get exhausted from day-to-day work, and then irritable, and then impatient. We forget Jesus’ ways and often feel like we're caught in a trap. And yet, the Holy Spirit is actively inviting us to be more like Jesus every moment. Our hope is to learn how to hear the Spirit's voice."
THIS IS EXACTLY MY CURRENT SITUATION. You invisible readers know this.
I have been desperately hoping to become a better person since grandma died, and as my eating disorder spiraled out of control it became shockingly apparent just how bad of a person I was. Honestly, IT WASN'T UNTIL I WAS HOSPITALIZED that I genuinely started WANTING to be good, not just vaguely knowing I should, and only feebly & impotently hoping for it. That's because in the hospital, "I" BECAME "WE" AGAIN AT LAST.
It's a fitting shift. Alone I was screwed. Together, we have real hope, because we have real love. That's exactly how the Holy Spirit works.
But that's next up. Right now, consider the worrying details. When I'm in "singlet mode"-- which I'm slipping in & out of right this moment-- I am stuck. I am exhausted, irritable, impatient, unloving. I forget the teachings of Jesus... teachings of love & patience & peace, of faith & hope & sacrifice. I forget them because I am closed off from communion, in ALL respects.
But the Spectrum is still there. So is the Spirit, using those "foni" fittingly AS His Voice, so many times, speaking to me of Christ.
No matter how quiet it seems, or how numb I feel, the Spirit is still here with me, within me. He never leaves, despite what I was told in the past-- and I forgive them, and even thank them, for they were only trying to help me in my lost state, and actually motivated me to seek the Spirit’s Presence in my life all the more strongly as a result. Little did I realize, He was already here in my heart.
My real problem is how deaf I make myself to the voices. What a fool I am. Don't I realize just Who I'm tuning out? Am I that cold and callously motivated? Am I that proud that I can only stand the sound of my own stupid voice? 

"When a friend vulnerably cries in front of us and we feel deep compassion, that's the Holy Spirit reminding us to have compassion like Jesus. We can embrace that compassion or ignore it. When we sense a desire to offer kindness to someone we disagree with, the Holy Spirit is reminding us to love our neighbor, just like Jesus does. When we open our homes to help someone get back on their feet, the Holy Spirit is cultivating a posture of generosity in us, like Jesus."
...and this is the fatal result.
THIS is why, when the grayness finally starts to crack into colors, I will always insist with aching conviction that, yes, being a System is DIRECTLY A GRACE FROM GOD.
In singlet mode? I can't feel compassion. Vulnerability disgusts me. I'm appalled by tears; they are dirty & fake to "me". But the System? They WEEP, WITH OTHERS. They know HOW to cry. They can EMPATHIZE. And even more amazingly, they can COMFORT the sorrowful! "I" can only cringe and sneer at BOTH those words.
...
...

The prayer=
"Holy Spirit, thank you for your guidance. Each day, you help me to become more like Jesus in my character, speech, and actions. Empower me to remember and obey the teachings of Jesus to contribute to the flourishing of those around me."
That last line is what hit me. We arent stagnant air. Wind MOVES. Breathing is a CYCLE.
The Spirit breathes into us, so we can breathe out unto others? Again I think of plants, like a new Eden, breathing out life "at night" so others can survive when day comes? It feels symbolically relevant somehow.
But the point is that this ONLY HAPPENS BY OBEYING JESUS. He is Life, He is the Word of God-- and He is ONE WITH THE SPIRIT. He doesn't just "give" the Breath of God, He is INSEPARABLE from Him!
The only way we contribute to "flourishing"-- to new Life in others-- is through Christ living in US, breathing in us, breathing out to others.
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matthew Henry Commentary continues at verse 34.
We've admittedly spent almost everything up to this point of the entry in singlet mode, which is very unhealthy spiritually. We've realized its happening because we're typing WHILE eating, forcing our mindset to stay STUCK OUTSIDE instead of going inside where sincerity and thought can dwell. And that stuck single-talk is how we've been responding to the commentary.
We're wondering if we should just take quick notes now, then type later on the laptop, when we can genuinely speak? We'll try. In any case we need to stop obsessing over the process. It's becoming a chore and a drudgery now, feeling compelled to comment on every little passage, instead of learning and integrating their truths. That is the hidden slavery Saint Paul warned us about. Be careful.


"the lifting up of Christ was as... the setting up of a standard, which draws soldiers together; or, rather, it refers to the lifting up of the brazen serpent in the wilderness, which drew all those to it who were stung with fiery serpents, as soon as ever it was known that it was lifted up, and there was healing virtue in it. O what flocking was there to it! So there was to Christ, when salvation through Him was preached to all nations... Perhaps it has some reference to the posture in which Christ was crucified, with His arms stretched out, to invite all to Him, and embrace all that come."
...
We've always pondered that posture, really. Even in our daily life, it inspires brief yet deep reflection, often looking upon that golden Corpus, wondering at such a strikingly open and unselfish pose.
His arms are open, completely defenseless and offenseless. His chest is open, both figuratively AND literally, signifying complete vulnerability and compassionate tenderness. But His Arms are raised up, too, not just outwards-- it is the pose of an imploring prayer, of a victory celebration, of a shout of joy... and of the most enthusiastic welcome home.
Imitate the posture and feel it. It isn't a reaching down to embrace, like a mother to scoop up her little child. That sentiment is real in God, but it is not the primary expression here. Lift your arms up, feel it. It is the Prodigal Father rejoicing. It is after He saw His lost son yet a long way off-- It is when his son finally looks up in turn and sees his Father. And the Father's Heart does this. He throws His arms wide to embrace, and out to rejoice, and up to catch his son's weak & weary eye, to beckon him closer, to welcome, to voicelessly cry out to him, "at last! my dear child! It is you!"
THAT is what i hear from the Cross. "Long have I waited for your coming home to me...!" There is no shaming, no anger, no rebuking, no chiding, nothing harsh or cold or closed. Christ welcomes us poor starving reprobates with repentant hearts-- welcomes us lavishly, opening His very Heart to us. He Himself is our true and eternal Home, our new Life, our hope and rescue and refuge, our one true treasure and our endless joy.


"They alleged those scriptures of the Old Testament which speak of the perpetuity of the Messiah, that he should be so far from being cut off in the midst of his days that he should be a priest for ever, and a king for ever, that he should have length of days for ever and ever, and his years as many generations, from all which they inferred that the Messiah should not die..."
And yet... they wouldn't accept Him as God?? Who ELSE "cannot die?" Were they expecting a mere man, yet somehow immortal, and furthermore entirely free of suffering? What kind of a Messiah would such a one be, though-- incapable of empathy, ignorant of pain, unable to comprehend the basic struggles of the common man, and alone outliving every member of the nation he was to save? Such a Messiah would be "godlike" only like the pagan idols-- cold and aloof and superhuman. Were the Israelites hoping for that, in their insistence that the Messiah was to be "for ever?" How else could they have reasoned it, if that imagined Messiah was not literally God?
How was Christ offensive in contrast? Was it His outright acceptance OF death and suffering? Were the Israelites banking on that deathless Superman of a Savior in the secret hopes that they, too, would somehow be saved from pain & sorrow & the very grave itself? Yet, Who BUT God COULD accomplish such a deliverance? And what more glorious a victory than to defeat death BY death-- to not just avoid & escape it, but to face it head-on, disarm & declaw it, then enter its very kingdom and conquer it completely? Christ proved His Power not by never suffering, but by suffering the worst possible pains and preserving His peace, His dignity, His Divine control. He had "length of days forever" not by evading death, but by taking it on full-force and returning to Life victorious and eternal. A King does not conquer by never fighting. Jesus WON against the enemies of mankind and SAVED US from them... and our REAL enemy is SIN, which the Israelites of His time didn't seem to properly understand. Perhaps they thought it couldn't be conquered. Perhaps they were pretending it didn't actually exist, like some of the religious leaders seemed to be doing.
In any & all cases, Jesus paradoxically fulfilled every Messianic expectation, while turning them all on their heads. He came to be Who was described and to do what was promised, but He did so in a way so perfectly Divine, and so wonderful, that no man could have imagined it or even dared to hope for it.
Ironically, that is what blinded them. They were afraid to surrender their own dreams of salvation, however great, to this greater mystery of Jesus. They could not so so because they had no faith in Him. They did not have the love that could cast out all fear.

"That which prejudiced them against Christ was His meanness and poverty; they would rather have no Christ than a suffering one."

...I was afraid that was the case.
Don't ever think you're above this. Don't ever assume you'd react differently, without unmerited grace.
Aren't you the one who freaks out when Christ draws you into His very sufferings by means of sickness? Aren't you the one crying from exhaustion when you have to be at the family's beck and call? Aren't you the one upset over limited income and meager means, wishing you had those creative luxuries so many others enjoy? Aren't you the one struggling to accept your average and ailing body, your low place in society, your lack of fitness and talents and intelligence? Are you secretly wishing your Savior wasn't a Suffering one?
No, no, deep down, in my heart, I'm glad He is. To struggle and suffer alone would be hell; all these silly and brief trials I have are even transformed into joys when shared with Him.
...

"When they opposed what Christ said concerning the sufferings of the Son of man, they took no notice of what He had said concerning His glory and exaltation. True, they had heard out of the law that Christ abideth for ever; but had they not also heard our Lord Jesus say that He would be glorified, that He would bring forth much fruit, and draw all men to Him? Had He not just now promised immortal honours to His followers, which supposed His abiding forever? But this they overlooked. Thus unfair disputants oppose some parts of the opinion of an adversary, to which, if they would but take it entire, they could not but subscribe; and in the doctrine of Christ there are paradoxes, which to men of corrupt minds are stones of stumbling-- such as Christ crucified, and yet glorified; lifted up from the earth, and yet drawing all men to Him."
Building on the previous point, pasted as a strong warning against "cherrypicking" verses, isolating them out of context, and/or reading the OT & NT as separate from each other.
EVERY WORD we take in of Christ's MUST be taken in along with EVERY OTHER WORD of His! If it is ALL His Commission, ALL the Commandment of His Father, then we must both see & hear it AS A WHOLE.
To overlook any part of Scripture is to willingly blind ourselves to truth, and we will stumble without even realizing we're in danger.
...
As I love to repeat, our faith is "both/and," not "either/or." A priest told me that once. We must never limit God. We must always be open to His Mystery. We must always expect to be awed & humbled & shocked by Him, for "His Ways are immeasurably higher than our ways"-- higher in holiness & truth, in goodness & justice, in wisdom & knowledge, and in merciful love, to say the least.
...


"What Christ said to this exception, or rather what He said upon it. The objection was a perfect cavil; they might, if they pleased, answer it themselves: man dies, and yet is immortal, and abideth for ever, so the Son of man."
Wait, WHAT???
Somehow I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THIS. I somehow apparently NEVER THOUGHT MAN WAS "IMMORTAL" BEFORE CHRIST??? But then what about the "living soul" breathed into us by God? What about "made in the image & likeness of God?" Did I just assume sin was the cancellation of all hope? Did I just assume "Sheol" was the inevitable end, just darkness and silence forever? How did this startling TRUTH completely fly over my head??
...This study is revealing a LOT to me about my unconscious & absorbed beliefs, mostly from pagan or secular influences, or my poor mother, who was and is still all too swamped in said influences. But I refuse to say anything about her personal struggles. She deserves far more respect & "benefit of the doubt" than I have historically given her.
It is just to speak of myself alone, but ironically, I don't remember much of "myself." What did I believe in childhood? I knew about death & hell from a very early age, from the realism & discipline of my religious upbringing, but did I ever actually think about death and heaven? Did I even know what a soul was??? I have no memory.
Shockingly, I don't think the LEAGUE says much either-- at least, not until I grew older; then the DISTORTIONS became disturbingly apparent.
(FOCUS: HUMAN IMMORTAL SOUL, lives AFTER death)
...


"Observe the [unconditional] concern Christ has for the souls of men, and His desire of their welfare. With what tenderness does He here admonish those men to look well to themselves, men who were contriving ill against Him! Even when He "endured the contradiction of sinners," He sought their conversion."
This is, to me, such powerful proof of Christ's Love for sinners. The Cross is the highest & purest expression of this very point of His Character, which He unfailingly exemplified in His Life, else His Death could not have perfected it.
Jesus Christ, when actively insulted & mocked & calumnied & blasphemed by men, when they beat & whipped & spot upon & stripped Him, when they looked upon Him with rage & malice & hatred & even cold apathy... in every single one of those circumstances, DURING the very violence & vitriol, Christ LOVED those people, and He was as tenderly anxious as a mother to save their souls and so embrace them in heaven. Christ CONSTANTLY WORKED TO SAVE EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY THE MOST BITTER ENEMIES OF GOD, WHO NEEDED HIM THE MOST, whether they would ever admit it or not. Jesus still loved them completely, even upon the Cross that they nailed Him to.
THAT is what proves Christ is God to me, without any possible doubt. Everything else notwithstanding, THAT LOVE is the  apodictic manifestation of His Divinity. Jesus looked into the eyes of the man hammering an iron spike through His wrists and Jesus loved that man, absolutely and freely, and wanted him to be with Him in Paradise too. Jesus saw sin and waged outright war with it on Calvary. Jesus saw sinners and literally opened His very Heart to shelter them in. Sin is a malignant virus. Sinners are His sick children. You get the idea. NO MATTER WHAT, JESUS LOVES US. The Cross calls all men to itself, standing as eternal proof of God's Love, the very Love that warns every sinner of the doom they are headed towards if they reject the Cross.
That's the OTHER half of it. Christ loves all sinners unconditionally  and ardently, yes, but Love shudders at the very thought of losing the loved one to violence or malice, and so Jesus does EVERYTHING to save them from sin, EVEN DIE IN THEIR PLACE. But EVERY MOMENT UP TO THEN He was ALSO working the Love of the Cross, expressing itself in CORRECTION & ADMONISHMENT & REBUKES. Absolutely! True Love is not ashamed or cowardly; Jesus never held back a "hard saying" when He knew it was just hard enough to "knock some saving sense into" a soul, and give it something truly solid to stand on. When His Words hit hard, they struck in order to heal; they wounded in order to make whole. Remember God's Character! EVERYTHING He does is Love!
I'm rambling now, I feel it. But it's not regretful. I've spoken all this out of reverent love, but I must take a break. My brain needs to recharge in silence to avoid disrespectful babble.
When I feel the Spirit’s nudge, I will add to this later.


"Were but men's consciences awakened with a due concern about their everlasting state, and did they consider how little time they have to spend, and none to spare, they would not waste precious thoughts and time in trifling cavils... It is good for us all to consider what a little while we are to have the light with us. Time is short, and perhaps opportunity not so long. The candlestick may be removed; at least, we must be removed shortly. Yet a little while is the light of life with us; yet a little while is the light of the gospel with us, the day of grace, the means of grace, the Spirit of grace, yet a very little while."
I've said before, grandma's death and my hospitalization taught me this HARD.
CNC failed disastrously & nearly killed me for several reasons, but honestly the biggest connecting factor of them all was because I was living without God.
Arguably for my whole bloody life, coming to a head in CNC, and not changing until I returned to PA, and still not until the very moment I saw the tumor in grandma's lung scan, I didn't think about "my everlasting state" at ALL.
I never considered that I was mortal; ironically, with all the suicide attempts & self-abuse. But I didn't. Death was a mystery of vague hopes, but no serious thoughts.
...
I wasted so much of my life on worthless garbage. I lost so much time to violent addictions, to vain entertainment, to mindless browsing, to psychotic ranting.
...
I never realized that salvation had a time limit.
...




102523

Oct. 25th, 2023 10:42 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Woke up alive! So we went to Mass!

Mailed letters
Jade shower
Lots of prayer during cleanup. Laurie more stable helping me.
Knock homily!
Rosary!


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This harmony at None=
"Give in to God: resist the devil, and he will run away from you. The nearer you go to God, the nearer He will come to you. Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up... The Lord looks on those who revere Him. He is close to those who hope in His love."
It's always reciprocal, always relational with God.
Every step we take towards Him, He meets with enthusiasm. He doesn't sit stoically and wait for us to crawl near. No, He is the Prodigal Father, watching for us and running ahead to meet us!
But then that verb "humble" stands out. It suggests that, in humbling ourselves-- in becoming meek & lowly & bowing down quietly at His Feet, in the dirt like a child or a homeless man-- we become so close to Him that He can actually reach down and gently pick us up. He can touch us; He can hold us.
Likewise, "those who hope in His Love" are described as "close to Him," meaning that not only are such souls humble in their very hoping, but also suggesting that only those souls WHO hope in His Love WILL "draw near to God." We need humility, and hope, and reverence-- the final descriptor, also mutually inclusive, because in order to pick us up and embrace us, God has to look at us... with His eyes full of the Fatherly Love we humbly hoped for. It all knits together.
...But I saved the best for last. "Give in to God."
...

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VOTD = THE DAY OF THE LORD!
Buckle up I'm transcribing & expanding=
⭐ In Eden, the devil's REAL temptation was= "YOU can define good and evil on your own terms, and put YOURSELF in GOD'S place." But this just caused broken relationships and violence, because it put God out of the picture. "Now everyone has to protect themselves and fight for survival, and they're ALL USING DEATH AS A WEAPON TO GAIN POWER."
+ Babel/Babylon becomes an icon of "mankind's corporate rebellion against God" = everyone came together to elevate themselves to the place of God, and redefining good & evil as if they were God. This returns in EGYPT but WORSE!! Pharaoh feels threatened by the Israelite immigrants and starts killing & enslaving them-- the Egyptians "take care of themselves at the expense of others by redefining evil as good." So God TURNS PHARAOH'S BACK ON HIM, as he is "driven forward by pride" and thus swallowed up by death in the Sea of Reeds.
+ PASSOVER IS THE CELEBRATION OF THIS "DAY," the day "when the LORD liberated & rescued them from a corrupt human system!" This "Day" was a huge source of hope for Israel, and when they became a settled nation, they hoped for ANOTHER "DAY" in the future when God would deliver them from their new & greater enemies.
+ BUT the Prophet AMOS said THIS DAY WAS COMING-- FOR ISRAEL! They had become corrupt just like Egypt and Babel, with their religious leaders redefining good & evil and profiting from the distortion. The devil's trap of prideful power seemed to be one no man could escape, a doom that all sons of Adam inherited, even those of God's chosen people.
+ JESUS was born into this historical context BUT even living under Rome's power, Jesus saw that the REAL ENEMY was NOT ANY HUMAN kingdom, however oppressive & corrupt-- it was that INHUMAN evil, SATAN, who lured ALL HUMANITY into accepting his deadly "promise of power"-- a power no one but God actually had, but which the devil's ravenously proud desire to usurp nevertheless was the very cornerstone of his own false kingdom of hell... a kingdom he was trying to enslave mankind to forever.  But Jesus RESISTED THIS ANCIENT TEMPTATION of self-deification in the wilderness, the ONLY MAN WHO EVER DID, and REFUSED to exploit His Power-- TRUE Power, GOD'S Power-- for His own self-interest, no matter how "justified" it may have appeared or even been! Instead of flaunting His actual Authority and Divinity, Jesus chose HUMBLE SELF-DENIAL, SACRIFICE, & OBEDIENT DEFERENCE TO HIS FATHER, setting a NEW example and response for mankind. He DEFINED GOOD in His very actions! THEN He immediately began His Gospel Mission, using His Power of GOOD to CONFRONT, COMBAT & REVERSE the effects OF evil on others!
"Jesus began to say that He was going to Jerusalem for Passover for a final showdown: to confront the evil of Israel and Rome... by DYING." " Jesus was going to let evil exhaust all its power on Him by using its only real weapon: DEATH. Jesus knew that God's Love and Life were even more powerful, that He could overcome evil by becoming the Passover Lamb, giving His Life in an act of Love." "And something CHANGED that day. When Jesus DEFEATED evil, He opened up a new way for ANYONE to escape from Babylon, and discover this new kind of power-- this new way of being human."
+ "But we keep building new versions of Babylon; the power of evil is still alive and well. This is where REVELATION comes in. It describes the future & FINAL DAY of the Lord, when His Kingdom comes to confront Babylon the great-- this image of all the corrupt nations of the world."
"The VICTORIOUS Jesus is symbolized by a bloody sacrificial lamb. And when He does arrive in the end, riding His white horse to confront evil, He's bloodied before the battle even starts!" Why? "Its because Jesus ISN'T OUT FOR OUR BLOOD. Rather, He overcame with HIS Blood when He DIED FOR HIS ENEMIES. And the sword is in His MOUTH-- it's a symbol of HIS AUTHORITY TO DEFINE GOOD AND EVIL, and to hold us accountable when He brings final justice once and for all."
"And so, in the meantime, the Day of the Lord is an invitation to RESIST the culture of Babylon. And its a PROMISE, that God WILL one day free our world from corruption, and bring about the New Thing that He has in store."

Sorry I HAD to transcribe that because again, these Bible Project reflections are LITERALLY CHANGING EVERYTHING for me; I never knew ANY of these ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL TRUTHS & REVELATIONS about my faith (pun intended) and transcribing them in realtime really makes them sink in.

From their own written reflection =
"To imagine a world without violent conflict or death is borderline impossible, yet we all long for it. How can we hope for something we can barely imagine? The answer might have something to do with the Day of the Lord. In the Bible, the Day of the Lord refers not to one day but to many different events, happy OR sad, with one common characteristic— God rescuing people and eradicating evil from the world. If you enjoy doing evil and benefit from it, then the Day of the Lord is sad for you. But if you hate evil and long for goodness, then the Day of the Lord is awesome. Jesus shows up, and this represents a big Day of the Lord. He starts destroying evil, but NOT with violence against human beings. He destroys evil by generously healing and forgiving people. His Power is through love, not coercion or force. After his crucifixion and resurrection, possibly the most important Day of the Lord so far, He speaks of yet another Day of the Lord event on the way— when He returns, when the world we've imagined and hoped for becomes real. May that good day arrive soon!"
...
...

"Jesus, you are the God who helps us and delivers people from slavery. You set us free. You are the God who sees, hears, and knows the cry of your people. Come and deliver us again. May your Day arrive soon as you eradicate evil and restore OUR beautiful world."
Again, NOT DESTROYING THE WORLD!!
I emphasize "our" because Eden proves that yes, it is BOTH GOD'S AND OURS. He shares it with us willingly as a loving gift.
...

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KVOTD = "Just like my physical heart is protected by my ribcage, my spiritual heart needs protecting too-- because things that are valuable need protecting... our hearts are the most valuable thing we have."
...That was such an ironic punch to the chest. Immediately I think Infi and Laurie.

Guided prayer just hit me like a truck=
"God, thank You for redeeming every part of my life."
IT WORKS LIKE THAT???
...I actually need to sit with this. I'm reeling.
I somehow never thought of my LIFE being included in redemption. Isn't that weird? I thought, "okay, my soul is redeemed, but my body, my personality, my history? Nope, that's all set in cursed stone. Those things can't be changed or replaced. When they're ruined, they're ruined. I'm stuck with a broken life; even if my soul isn't in chains anymore, it's still living in a ruin."
But now you're telling me that God, through Christ, CAN and DID redeem EVERYTHING???? HOW????
I can't erase history. I can't fix this body. I can't take back the irreparable harm I've done. HOW am I "redeemed" in EVERY part of my life???
...I'm misunderstanding the word. "Redeemed" means "to buy back or recover by purchase." It implies "rescue & deliverance." It DOESN'T magically "fix what was destroyed." It just... it means that God still pays full price to buy what the world sees as a filthy scrap of garbage, because a very long time ago, that scrap was God's beautiful work of art, one signed with His own Name, and He never forgot it... He never gave up on searching for it just so He COULD get it back.
The problem? The DEVIL had it, and he wanted to KEEP it just so God COULDN'T have it, because he HATED GOD. The devil didn't care about love or beauty or life. He abused and vandalized that artwork, mangling it beyond recognition, just to spite God.
I digress. My point is... God still paid full price to get me back, even if that purchase didn't "miraculously undo" the damage.
...Or did it? Am I still wrong? Isn't there Power in the Blood?
...

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Matthew Henry Commentary continues at verse 27.

"Christ was voluntary in His sufferings, and yet prayed to be saved... "ek tes oras tautes"= out of this hour, praying not so much that it might not come as that He might be brought through it. Save Me from this hour; this was the language of innocent nature, and its feelings poured forth in prayer. [But] He presently corrects Himself, and, as it were, recalls what He had said: But for this cause came I to this hour. Innocent nature got the first word, but divine wisdom and love got the last, [in] His acquiescence in His Father's will... [which assured Him that even as] an hour is soon over, so were Christ's sufferings; He could see through them to the joy set before Him [by His Father, even by their very means]."
Oh wow the Greek adds a whole new level of meaning to that first bit. Christ KNEW and WANTED the hour to come, but His "innocent nature"-- sinless humanity!-- was still scared of the violence & pain & death. So He graciously spoke these words in empathy with us, while still being completely willing & voluntary as to the imminent suffering itself.
AND YET NATURE IS STILL NOT THE AUTHORITY. That is absolutely vital. Jesus doesn't invalidate or deny it, but He still puts it in its proper place-- in total obedience surrender & service to GOD'S WILL, which WAS His TRUE joy!!
That last bit is so important too. His suffering was, ultimately, still "just an hour," as incomprehensibly agonizing as it indeed was. It still had an ending, even if that ending was death. But afterwards there was eternal joy, even because of the agony-- joy because HIS "temporal" suffering and death was GOD'S PLAN, through which He saved fallen humanity from the same fate but in eternity. With that contrast in His Heart, an "hour"-- or three-- was entirely worth enduring.
(I hope that's not heresy. I must be careful with non-Catholic commentary. I'll need to check actual doctrine and correct myself if necessary.)

"It is the duty and interest of troubled souls to have recourse to God by faithful and fervent prayer, and in prayer to eye Him as a Father. [Therefore our] prayer against a trouble may very well consist with patience under it and submission to the will of God in it, [trusting in His Goodness]."
It is a duty to pray because we must recognize His as in control of the trouble, and so to rely only on Him as God, and not seek reason or rescue in any creature. It is our duty because He is Lord and we must not keep secrets from Him, just as we must keep up mutual communication with Him.
It is our interest to pray because it is our deepest comfort, surest refuge, and strongest reassurance. It shines light in the darkness of confusion & fear.
...
Most importantly = God is our Father, perhaps especially in troubled times.
...
We are allowed to ask for deliverance, but never to resist the trial-- after all, it is "only an hour," and God always means it for final joy.
...
...This is where I struggled last night.
...


"Those who would proceed regularly must go upon second thoughts. The complainant speaks first; but, if we would judge righteously, we must hear the other side."
That is exactly how we have to deal with Socials and the Somafoni.
Is this also implying that "gut feelings" and "first impressions" are NOT always correct? If so that's a heavy warning.
If not, it at least IS saying that "first thoughts" are almost definitely false-- the knee-jerk response is always an automation. It's empty programming. Do not accept it just because it barged in first. Stop, seek the truth, pray, and make the Christian decision.


"For this cause came I to this hour; he does not silence himself with this, that he could not avoid it, there was no remedy; but satisfies himself with this, that He would not avoid it, for it was pursuant to His own voluntary engagement, and was to be the crown of His whole undertaking; should He now fly off, this would frustrate all that had been done hitherto. Reference is here had to the divine counsels concerning His sufferings, by virtue of which it behoved Him thus to submit and suffer. Note, This should reconcile us to the darkest hours of our lives, that we were all along designed for them; see 1 Thessalonians 3:3."
This is a KEY distinction!! When we try to "silence" ourselves, it is an act of RESISTANCE-- we want to avoid or remedy something, but cannot, so we forcibly shut our feelings down... but this just breeds rancor & misery. The problem is that silencing is based on OUR wants. Jesus, in contrast, satisfies even His frightened humanity by declaring GOD'S Will, and His voluntary cooperation with it-- He WOULD NOT avoid it, because it was His "destiny" chosen by His Father, and therefore there was nothing else He wanted more.
This is a good reminder to persevere, no matter what. God has a destiny for us, too, in Christ.


"Observe His regard to His Father's honour herein. Upon the withdrawing of His former petition, He presents another, which He will abide by: Father, glorify Thy Name, to the same purport with Father, Thy will be done; for God's will is for His own glory. This expresses more than barely a submission to the will of God; it is a consecration of His sufferings to the glory of God. It was a mediatorial word, and was spoken by Him as our surety, Who had undertaken to satisfy divine justice for our sin. The wrong which by sin we have done to God is in His glory, His declarative glory; for in nothing else are we capable of doing Him injury. We were never able to make Him satisfaction for this wrong done Him, nor any creature for us; nothing therefore remained but that God should get Him honour upon us in our utter ruin. Here therefore our Lord Jesus interposed, undertook to satisfy God's injured honour, and He did it by His humiliation; He denied Himself in, and divested Himself of, the honours due to the Son of God incarnate, and submitted to the greatest reproach. Now here He makes a tender of this satisfaction as an equivalent: "Father, glorify Thy Name; let Thy justice be honoured upon the sacrifice, not upon the sinner; let the debt be levied upon Me, I am solvent, the principal is not." Thus He restored that which He took not away... What God has done [in Christ's Life, Death, & Resurrection] for the glorifying of His own Name is an encouragement to us to expect what He will yet further do. He that has secured the interests of His own glory will still secure them [in Christ]... Let this encourage [Christ's followers] to part with life itself for His sake, if they be called to it, that it will redound to the honour of God. Note, The promises and supports granted to our Lord Jesus in His sufferings were intended for our sakes. For our sakes He sanctified Himself, and comforted Himself."

Okay if this main point is harmonious with Catholic doctrine this is HUGE.
The antiquated speech is hard to properly grasp, though.
What I DO get is this: that we humans can only injure God's glory, but MAN is that ever an abominable offense! God is GOD, the Creator & Life of All, Truth & Love Himself, Endless Mercy & Absolute Justice.
God's Will is ALWAYS for His Glory. For a human that is pride; for God that is RIGHTEOUSNESS. He is incapable of sin, incapable of corruption or death or even change. ONLY GOD deserves glory, in truth. Furthermore, His NATURE, His Character, is HOLINESS. God IS Virtue, He IS Beauty & Goodness & Honor, et cetera. So, to "will His Own Glory" IS to will ALL those holy things, at all times. It makes perfect sense actually. His Name is ineffable-- "I AM"-- but in the OT, that very BEING is indirectly referred to WITH holy & virtuous descriptions OF His Character, of what He has revealed of Himself to the comprehension of man. King, Lord, Warrior, Father, Redeemer, Just Judge, Most High, The Holy One, He Who Sees Me, etc... and then "slow to anger," "rich in kindness," etc. But it's all infinitely deserving of glory. Nothing else is. All goodness & holiness comes FROM Him.
Now, as to Christ consecrating His sufferings TO that glory, that's the amazing paradox that I'm trying to comprehend rightly.
God Himself set His own glory aside in order to restore it. The Son willingly submitted to humiliation and this infinitely glorified the Father. Was the humiliation infinite because He, too, was God? How does this restore the injury done by man? Did He put Himself IN the place OF man, and took on "equivalent" humiliation in just recompense?
Remember the whole point of the Cross, truly, was to SAVE US. His Blood sealed the New Covenant. Yet, still, in this very gesture of infinite Love, He DID "satisfy God's honor" perfectly & forevermore. Is that because nothing honors God more than the Life & Death & Resurrection of Christ His Son, the Perfect Sacrifice, obedient & innocent & willing & loving to the very end?
...
The final essential point is: we are, in this as in all things, called and charged to follow Christ.
...


"The opinion of the standers-by concerning this voice... shows, 1. That it was a real thing, even in the judgment of those that were not at all well affected to Him. 2. That they were loth to admit so plain a proof of Christ's divine mission. They would rather say that it was this, or that, or any thing, other than that God spoke to Him in answer to His prayer; and yet, if it thundered with articulate sounds (as Revelation 10:3-4), was not that God's voice? Or, if angels spoke to Him, are not they God's messengers? But thus God speaks once, yea twice, and man perceives it not."

Splitting hairs in these matters numbs the heart. I know; I've done it. God SPEAKS, all the time, but if we're only expecting a literal voice, or a certain means of a sign, or a particular mode of language-- we might as well be deaf and dumb. God is not obligated to communicate as we see fit. And if we are so hesitant to believe, so prone to doubt, so ambivalent in our faith, then no matter HOW He speaks, we won't accept that it WAS Him!
God speaks through thunder. God speaks through angels. God speaks even in a human voice-- in Christ, in Scripture, in His Church, in our conscience by the Spirit! The real question is: are our hearts open to hear? Are we listening with faith? God is really speaking to us, right now. Will we admit that, and so perceive His truth?


"The matter of the triumph is, That now is the judgment of the world; "krisis", take it as a medical term: "Now is the crisis of this world." The sick and diseased world is now upon the turning point; this is the critical day upon which the trembling scale will turn for life or death, to all mankind; all that are not recovered by this will be left helpless and hopeless. Or, rather, it is a law term... The death of Christ was the judgment of this world... Now is the trial of this world, for men shall have their character according as the cross of Christ is to them; to some it is foolishness and a stumbling-block, to others it is the wisdom and power of God; of which there was a figure in the two thieves that were crucified with him. By this men are judged, what they think of the death of Christ."
...I have to comment upon my Patron. Remember that in the Gospel, at first he also mocked Christ, and of course his whole life up to that point has been an affront to God, hence his own cross... but at the last minute, literally as Death swung her scythe, Dismas repented. Legend has it that Christ had planted a tiny seed of grace in his soul with a pure glance, three decades ago. Dismas probably never gave it a second thought, probably lost it to time & the numbing of his conscience, the hardening of his heart... but even the most fragile flowers can break concrete. On the cross, something bloomed, as the Light of Christ suddenly blazed brilliant upon it, through the bloody wounds and broken dreams, all the violent breaches in that sin-steeled shell. The cross, even his own, was already fused with the Lord’s, already a vehicle of salvation in that unity of faith, by that small yet stupendous spark of recognition. "Jesus, remember me when You come into Your Kingdom." He called Him Jesus. That holiest of Names. God is my salvation. His heart knew, at last.
That is hope for every single one of us.
If all humanity is represented by Dismas & Gestas, and they BOTH were thieves & criminals, and they BOTH started off jeering at Jesus, BUT the "good thief" let grace break through his bleeding heart... then we, too, can change, if only upon our own crosses. Still there is that Name, that Promise, for us-- God is my salvation. We only need to believe, as we look into His loving Eyes beside us.


"The Cross is a judgment of condemnation given against the powers of darkness... Judgment is put for vindication and deliverance, the asserting of an invaded right. At the death of Christ there was a famous trial between Christ and Satan, the serpent and the promised seed; the trial was for the world, and the lordship of it; the devil had long borne sway among the children of men, time out of mind; he now pleads prescription, grounding his claim also upon the forfeiture incurred by sin. We find him willing to have come to a composition (Luke 4:6; Luke 4:7); he would have given the kingdoms of this world to Christ, provided He would hold them by, from, and under him. But Christ would try it out with; by dying he takes off the forfeiture to divine justice, and then fairly disputes the title, and recovers it in the court of heaven. Satan's dominion is declared to be a usurpation, and the world adjudged to the Lord Jesus as His right. The judgment of this world is, that it belongs to Christ, and not to Satan; to Christ therefore let us all atturn tenants."
THAT BIT FROM LUKE IS NOW EVEN MORE TERRIFYING.
The heartless nerve of Satan to offer Christ His own stolen Kingdom is scandalous enough, but THIS? To realize that he WAS willing to "hand it over," IF Jesus would only be his figurehead?? How perfectly devilish, to so mangle truth & twist words!! Christ could "rule," sure, if He would only take one step down, and hand absolute authority to the Adversary. But who would know? Power is power, right? Humanity is already owned by evil, right? That was the devil's argument. "You can't possibly have them back; they're too corrupt, too lost, too evil. They belong to ME. But if You want to be their King so badly, I'm willing to meet You halfway..."
...and I wonder, is that infernal foe attempting to get vengeance for his defeat now, with this very ruse? He has filled the Church with "gall & wormwood"; if he has lost his claim on humanity, he will surely try to deny that at every turn, but he can only do so convincingly by denying, slandering, and concealing the true King. So he goes back to his evil offer, and plays it out himself. He uses Christ's Name as a cover. He puts white-dressed wolves among the sheep. He tricks multitudes into thinking that Christ's Church IS the devil-- what a cruel parody, what a bitterly ironic alternative to his rejected temptation! "If You will not serve me, Jesus, then I will make everyone think You are me." And that's why we see so many Satanists in this modern culture, even appropriating Christ for themselves. They hate the truly Good Church, "as evil and false," and yet they embrace the real evildoer and liar, Satan, "as good and real." How fatally they have been fooled!!
...
And yet, remember this: THE CROSS STANDS FOREVER. The world BELONGS TO CHRIST, BY RIGHT, FROM SEMPITERNITY, AS HE CREATED IT.
...


"By the Cross, the devil is said to be cast out, to be now cast out; for, whatever had been done hitherto towards the weakening of the devil's kingdom was done in the virtue of a Christ to come, and therefore is said to be done now."
This sort of talk is so important. Jesus Christ IS GOD. Therefore He is ETERNAL. Everything He did in His Incarnation was PLANNED and WILLED for endless ages, in His pre-incarnate Being.  He DID exist, and DID work, and DID prepare the world FOR His Incarnation, all through human history.
But the Cross itself transcends linear time. It is the eternal altar of our salvation, of the Lamb of God. It extends its power into both the past and the future without limit. Therefore, the "culminating event" of our salvation, the Cross, is the "origin" of ALL past & future "dismantling of evil", through Christ the Word of God and Lamb of God, Son of God and Son of Man. The Cross in the historical "now" is when & where we see the perfection, the completion, of the redemption of all things, even if not yet realized in linear time-- the hinge of all history, the anchorpoint of all existence.
For the record, it is ALWAYS "now," for us living after that event, and because of it, and by it. This becomes literal in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Don't ever take that for granted.
Remember this passage. Realize what you are even now summoned to be a witness and partaker of.


"Christ, reconciling the world to God by the merit of his death, broke the power of death, and cast out Satan as a destroyer; Christ, reducing the world to God by the doctrine of his cross, broke the power of sin, and cast out Satan as a deceiver... When Satan's oracles were silenced, his temples forsaken, his idols famished, and the kingdoms of the world became Christ's kingdoms, then was the prince of the world cast out, as appears by comparing this with John's vision (Revelation 12:8-11), where it is said to be done by the blood of the Lamb... Observe, With what assurance Christ here speaks of the victory over Satan; it is as good as done, and even when He yields to death He triumphs over it."
Oh this is good. There's so much powerful hope & joy here.
Christ's death was a GOOD thing, even the BEST thing in a paradoxical way-- for it was the entrance to eternal life, and the exit from sin's curse... which was death itself! Christ LITERALLY redefined it, sanctified it, by taking it INTO HIMSELF. As a human He was sinless & innocent & therefore as deathless as the first unfallen Adam; as God He could not die or be killed, ever, in any way. BUT He CHOSE to die as a human, WITHOUT being "under that curse", and WHILE ALSO BEING FULLY DIVINE. So death HAD to be redefined in Him; it literally COULDN'T function otherwise.
The Cross stripped death of all its power, and instead made it a tool of God, NOT of Satan-- completely transmuting it from its original function, which was destruction, as the inevitable consequence of sin causing separation from God Who Is Life. Satan can no longer use death as a weapon against mankind, for Christ has changed its very purpose through the Cross.
Christ, by the very cause & purpose & means & message of the Cross-- His atoning Death, His pure Life, His justice & mercy, everything-- both revealed the true and total horror of sin and offered freedom & absolution from it. Thus, as with death, He not only educated us on the full truth & effects of human depravity, but at the same time gave us full knowledge of deliverance, of forgiveness, of reconciliation. As with death, He took on its full power while remaining innocent of guilt, giving repentant sinners a Way to righteousness in Him, breaking sin's prison forever, and revealing they Satan LIES when he claims we are unforgivable, unlovable, unchangeable-- and when he tries to masquerade sin as virtue. The Cross crushes all those falsehoods permanently.
What strikes me the most is the blatant equating of ALL idolatry TO DEVIL WORSHIP, because really, "whoever isn't for Christ is against Christ," and if you're not worshipping the One True God then there's only one other wannabe option! But these descriptions aren't just for old pagan cults. I see ALL of this TODAY. "Oracles" are everywhere-- horoscopes, tarot cards, ouija boards, even the lure of "personality tests" and "vision quests" run rampant in pop culture, all trying to gain "hidden knowledge" about human nature or human souls. They seek to pry into the mind of God, or at least into places where only He has any right to look. "Temples" is scarily twisted-- people forsake buildings to venerate their own bodies now. They take God's true Temples and make them the very idols they worship. The ever increasing options for "self alterations" and ways to "discover yourself" all deny the existence or influence of any "God" but their own whims-- which are almost always, ironically, animal in nature. "Idols" are so common the very word has become casual vernacular. Celebrities, musicians, authors, artists, politicians, influencers, content creators, gurus, scientists, family members... people are idolized more often than we readily admit, but often they are actually just faces pasted onto more deeply rooted idols: knowledge, fame, power, pleasure, comfort, control... every single one boils down to pride, to exalting oneself and one's own interests & profits above all else.
How does Christ conquer all this? Remember the VOTD. Remember the "Day of the Lord." Although we are still living in Babylon, as it were, the Cross is eternal; the True King is on His Throne, and the Lamb has been sacrificed. Christ IS victorious, even in His Passion and Death. His victory is being won IN these very sufferings of His Body, across all time, until it is perfected in that final Day. But Christ has already won. The devil is waging guerrilla warfare but he has no claim on this world. If he has any thrones, they are shabby ones built on lies, lacking any authority, and all it takes is one drop of the Lamb's Blood to demolish them.
Do not despair. Keep preaching the Gospel of the true King, Jesus Christ, Who has conquered sin and death forever on the Cross. There is hope for us all, always.



102423

Oct. 24th, 2023 10:41 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

SUPERLONG FAST
Honestly thought we were going to pass out. GENUINE NAUSEA, headache, dizziness, etc.

Carrot stupidity

MAINTENANCE CHECK??
Apparently poor Mary is sensitive to the smells of our cooking.
We are ENTIRELY GLADLY WILLING to make the effort to ventilate our kitchen better now, for her sake. This is a blessed opportunity TO DO HER A KINDNESS. We've been praying for her after all.
The whole incident really opened our mind & heart to a "community mindset" too. We are part of a unit here, part of a family of sorts, all living together, and all our actions affecting each other. It's a grace, it really is. You inevitably become more considerate, more tender-hearted, more genuinely invested in the interests of others & desirous of their benefit.
It's also why I will always deliver the mail packages when I see them, too.
Now we just need to stabilize & purify our bloody social mode programming so we can talk to people here as a genuine Christian.

On that note, when we were told about the odor venting, THE SOMAFONI GIRLS WERE COMPLAINING RUDELY AND ALMOST CURSING THE POOR WOMAN??? WHAT THE SHARK???
JAY ACTUALLY GOT PUSHED OUT FRONT TO PRAY, CLEAN, AND EMOTE for the first time in WEEKS because the girls were SO TOXIC. In contrast to them, Jay naturally took the information with a smile & actually joy to know how to help comfort Mary, ESPECIALLY since it required personal effort, sacrifice, and humility.
Pseudocore thinking, "Jay is our heart." THAT'S HIS ROLE????

Laurie pointed out that fighting these girls is actually spiritual warfare-- it's "fighting against the desires of the flesh." They are loud and angry and insistent and whiny but they are NOT US and we can FEEL THAT.
We just CANNOT become proud, or smug, or hateful, because that turns us into the flesh and negates the whole war effort.
We can only fight for truth and justice with humility and mercy and love.

...

Evening =
ANOTHER DEBILITATING PANIC ATTACK around 530pm. I swear it's something about the twilight. I literally ALWAYS feel like I am GOING TO BE MURDERED. The sense of imminent, inescapable, violent & punitive DOOM is choking. EVERY FREAKING EVENING.

Triggered a FEARSPIT PSEUDOBINGE that somehow made us EVEN SICKER than an actual bulimic binge.
Someone had OATS & STEVIA in the house which practically guarantees a disaster in any case
TERRIFIED SOBBING and convinced we were going to die
Still sick & twitchy & scared but its numbing out into "dissociated survival" since we can't escape and it won't stop

BEGGING Jesus not to kill us
The fear was unbelievable. Hysterical, unable to reason.
Crying, "do you love me," so intensely sorry & ashamed for wasteful stupidity it was suffocating
Final prayer "Glorify Thy Name," shaking in terror because we're convinced that God being glorified REQUIRES OUR BRUTAL DEATH

On that note, we're STILL so scared of dying BECAUSE WE STILL BELIEVE DEATH = ANNIHILATION??? And that we CAN ONLY DIE BY "BEING KILLED IN JUST RECOMPENSE FOR SIN"??? Like, if we're good we won't die??? Or won't be at risk of death? BUT the INSTANT we feel the vaguest threat of dying, like how sick we feel now, it's INSTANT "YOU F*KED UP BIG TIME" terror and we're practically WAITING for the bomb squad to kick down our door and drag us screaming to the fatal torture chamber. THAT'S HOW WE SEE DEATH.
...why don't we even consider the possibility of going to heaven? Why does death feel like a "game over, you lost your chance, you don't deserve to live anymore"?
I want to feel like God wants to save me. It's stupid and selfish but sitting here feeling so frighteningly ill, even after weeping at Jesus's feet to save me, I feel like He just... sits and watches me writhe. "Have you learned your lesson now?" What, that I'm doomed to repeatedly suffer through these hells because I'm such a moronic jackass who can't cope with stress properly? That if I have an eating disorder lapse, even if I'm scared to death WHILE IT'S HAPPENING, You'll make me suffer even more afterwards as punishment? God isn't like that though. He isn't. Somehow i have to believe that He doesn't want to torture me, that it ISN'T "the highest good" to kill me for my idiocy.
I wish I could hope, I wish I genuinely felt that God wanted to be merciful to me. Why can't I? Why am I so afraid? Why am I so numb? I can't handle the existential terror anymore. I want to sleep forever. I don't want to be killed. God help me. I'm so scared of dying. Where are You? Why have You abandoned me?



I forgive You. As blasphemous as it sounds, I have to say it. I forgive You. You did nothing wrong. You can't do anything wrong. I genuinely trust in that.  Whatever is messed up here, its me. You're right, whatever it is You're doing. Please help me to cooperate, since I don't understand and honestly don't deserve to.
I trust You, despite my panic and fear. I'm sorry for feeling so afraid and confused and lost. Thank You for still being patient with me, despite how utterly childish and stupid I always am.
Thank You for still loving me even if I can't feel it. It's still a fact, incomprehensible but true. I can rest in that, if nothing else. I really can. At the end of it all, I can find rest in that inexplicable yet undeniable Love.
Help me to remember that always, Lord.
For what it's worth, as frail and feeble and foolish as I am, with everything I've got nevertheless, I love You too.


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EDE = WE CAN SAY THE MASS??? AS A PRIVATE PRAYER??? Specifically the "Mass of Saint John," which is so brief we can offer up in a few minutes, "whenever we have a free moment." Apparently we can UNITE OUR OFFERING to the actual Masses of every priest in the world-- to the "perpetual prayer" of the Church. And I guess our "prophet/ priest/ king" calling IN CHRIST allows us TO join in this???
Mind-blowing and life-changing stuff. Seriously going to memorize that Mass, write it out even, read more about this.
Quote the page if necessary, but in any case look up the source!! Read more about that blessed priest, and if he has a book, look into that too!

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Also ROMANS 5.
Consider the simple justice in "one man for one man" in Adam/Christ.
"If it is certain that through one man’s fall so many died, it is even more certain that divine grace, coming through the one Man, Jesus Christ, came to so many as an abundant free gift."
One fell, the other was RAISED UP, by the very means of the fall! God loves to use poetic means.
Also, the gift of grace is in response to the forfeiture of justification?? Adam "rejected grace" and so gained just condemnation. But ONLY JESUS could "justly" have grace of Himself. So He GIVES it to us, when we step into HIS undoing of Adam's rejection by admitting our sin and accepting the Cross? We are no longer resisting God, when we enter this humble contrition, and admit that we NEED His Blood to purify us, which surrender allows Christ's Sacrifice to actually take effect in us, and allow Him to GIVE us His grace??? WE NEVER "EARN IT" THOUGH. We need it, but we never merit it. After all we only "get it" once we fully accept and admit that we CANNOT merit it-- by confessing our great guilt of sin, and our inability to absolve ourselves!!
I can't quite think straight on this right now though. Don't go rambling. Read and study it first. Not now.


"When law came, it was to multiply the opportunities of failing, but however great the number of sins committed, grace was even greater; and so, just as sin reigned wherever there was death, so grace will reign to bring eternal life thanks to the righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ our Lord."
I cannot talk much on this as I'm uneducated and it's too deep and important.
But I see "multiply the opportunities of failing," by the Law, and the word "opportunity" is so strange. My thought was that the true opportunity was for Grace to use those falls AS opportunities for itself, THROUGH CHRIST, Who IS the font of all Grace, to not only reveal our sins in order to teach us humility & righteousness in contrast, but also to enable us to BE humble & righteous by forgiving those very sins via the Cross?
I guess what I'm trying to say is= Grace will forgive all sins, if we admit they are sins, and are contrite. The Law gives us this opportunity to see our need of God. Jesus meets this need with the Cross.
...

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VOTD = Honestly one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I was so moved i am in genuine tears and my chest hurts like its full of sunlight.
https://www.bible.com/en/videos/43321?orientation=portrait&utm_content=STORY_CLIP&utm_medium=SHARE&utm_source=YVAPP
I cannot summarize it. That would be a travesty. Go watch it again.
In short, though= it actually, clearly, finally explains WHAT THE GOSPEL IS. I finally get why we use that word, and what Jesus's Kingship is about, and what my role as a messenger of His Kingdom is.
Quote it later if you want. Type about it fully in any case, but not now, not with split attention during breakfast.

For now, here's the written reflection, which actually summarizes itself better than I could=
"Gospel means “good news,” and in the ancient world it’s always connected to the announcement of a new king. The Gospel of God's Kingdom, then, is the good news that God's promised King is here; His Kingdom is arriving. Why does this matter, though? Isn't the Gospel about Jesus dying for sins and then resurrecting? In the New Testament, notice how Jesus is preaching His Gospel long before His crucifixion or resurrection. He’s not focusing on that in His early ministry. Instead, He's saying that God's ancient promise to send a good king and set up His own kingdom on Earth is happening. It's becoming real! The King (Jesus Himself) has arrived— good news! Notice how this Kingdom of God begins with acts of healing and generous provision. He's founding an amazing new world on the basis of loving care for humanity, not on the basis of military power. Our world’s normal kingdoms usually find strength in victorious violence, but God's divine-human Kingdom begins and expands only with the infinite power of love. That's especially good news today if you're a human being experiencing the pain caused by average rulers and so-called authorities. Those listening to Jesus’ Gospel announcement soon learn that He Himself is now the True Ruler over all creation, the ONLY Real Authority over any of us. We have hope in God Himself as King Jesus, the incorruptible One Who rules with Love and uses His power not to coerce or destroy people but to heal each of us and set us free."
Okay, point by point because this is genuinely life-changing revelation.
1) the Gospel is SPECIFICALLY about announcing A NEW KING. It's also powerfully connected to Isaiah's "poem" about the watchmen on the towers, and the "beautiful feet" of the Gospel's Messenger, to the people crushed by war and almost without hope, all because of their own sins. The Gospel King is SPECIFICALLY GOD'S KING, too, promising complete restoration and new life even after all the destruction & horror. God WILL return to His Temple and His People, by His OWN decision & power & mercy, and He will reign, and He will STAY. This King is JESUS, fulfilling the prophecy not just for Israel but for the WORLD.
2) Jesus proclaimed the KINGDOM before even revealing His KINGSHIP??? He let His "kingly actions" speak for themselves. And what are they? HEALING & PROVISION.
3) God redefines power as LOVE & MERCY, not force & violence. His "army" doesn't kill, it gives life to its "enemies"?? And it conquers BY LOVE as well!
4) Jesus's death & resurrection are His ENTHRONEMENT.
5) Jesus DOESN'T COERCE OR DESTROY. He genuinely wants to HEAL & FREE EVERY SINGLE SOUL.
...

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Matthew Henry continues at verse 24.

""Verily, verily, I say unto you, you to whom I have spoken of my death and sufferings, except a corn of wheat fall not only to, but into, the ground, and die, and be buried and lost, it abideth alone, and you never see any more of it; but if it die according to the course of nature (otherwise it would be a miracle) it bringeth forth much fruit, God giving to every seed its own body." Christ is the corn of wheat, the most valuable and useful grain."
The "fall to" vs "fall into" emphasis is indeed notable.
So is "buried and lost." You cannot un-bury the seed once it is in the earth. It is not to be reclaimed for yourself. It must be relinquished to the ground.
Also interesting is "if it die according to nature," and the striking contrast of "otherwise it would be a miracle." But wasn't THAT exactly what happened to Christ as God-Man? Yes, as a man He had to die as all men do... BUT, as a Divine Person, He literally could not die, could not decay, could not fail TO live... and as both natures united in Jesus, He could not be killed, but He HAD TO BE SACRIFICED. So a "miracle death" happened. Jesus CHOSE to die. He GAVE His Life. He LAID IT DOWN for us-- like planting a seed.
...
Then, "God gives every seed its own body." God gives it; no man can. God gives what belongs to it-- no one else. Christ died and was raised by the power of God alone, raised in the very same Body that died-- resurrected and transformed, yes, but His Own Body just the same, scars and all-- and all the bodies of the seeds this new Head bears will be given this Body too, given a place in it, a share in it, transformed into its very image & likeness.
...
Lastly, Christ is wheat. He is no weed, no decorative flower, not even a tree. He compares Himself to a staple food crop, the most basic and important sustenance for His people, hardy and useful and healthy and essential to survival.
...


"The salvation of souls hitherto, and henceforward to the end of time, is all owing to the dying of Christ, this "grain of wheat." Hereby the Father and the Son are glorified, the church is replenished, the mystical Body is kept up, and will at length be completed; and, when time shall be no more, the Captain of our salvation, bringing many sons to glory by the virtue of His death, and being so made perfect by sufferings, shall be celebrated for ever with the admiring praises of saints and angels."
ALL of that is THROUGH JESUS'S DEATH ON THE CROSS.
All salvation, now and ever, is by the Cross. The Triune God is glorified by the Cross. The Church is replenished with souls, and therefore Christ's Mystical Body kept up, and eventually completed, BY His very Death in history upon the Cross, because that is HOW & WHERE & WHEN that Body began-- that is where the Blood that purifies souls is shed, the Blood that birthed the new race of mankind, the Blood that paid our ransom and enabled us to live at all.
The second point is also big:  not only is the power of Jesus's death on the Cross alone STILL our only means or merit of glory, but we ALSO only reach "perfection"-- fitness for Heaven-- BY SHARING IN THE CROSS! Like Christ, we "learn obedience through suffering," and our "Thy Will Be Done" committed all the way to death is the very crucible of holy love. We can only do this through Christ our Savior, Who gives us this very grace to carry our cross when we accept the grace of His own. Thus are we perfected: by becoming one with Christ in His Passion, by which we too are buried & raised into His eternal life.
I'm actually rambling. I apologize. I'm overcomplicating this blessed simplicity. The Cross of Christ is eternally our only salvation and glory, but only as we faithfully & willingly share in it, and so unite with Christ our Life in His Death, the sole means by which the buried seed sprouts up again forever.


"He that loves his life better than Christ shall lose it; but he that hates his life in this world, and prefers the favour of God and an interest in Christ before it, shall keep it unto life eternal. This doctrine Christ much insisted on, it being the great design of his religion to wean us from this world, by setting before us another world."
That's a bold claim, but it's actually true. The "great design" of Christ's religion is for man to be saved from sin through faith in Him as Son of God and therefore Savior, but this did indeed require making Him our King, and living in His Kingdom, which was and is the "other world" even superimposed on this one. Remember- yesterday-- Creation is not evil; it is not meant to be destroyed!! God wants to "wean us from" the FALSE world, the DEVILS world, all his lies and inventions and illusions! But God wants to, and WILL, set up His Kingdom RIGHT HERE in its rightful place, right here on earth! So we have no license for escapism. We cannot "hope for Heaven" and spit on the planet. This planet IS BEING REDEEMED TOO. Therefore, we must hate our lives in the false world of the devil that tries to deny & prevent that promise of God's Kingdom come, WITHOUT hating the fact that we are alive in this world to begin with, for Christ PUT us here on this earth that HE made and INCARNATED TO RECONCILE BOTH TO GOD. But how did He do so? By dying. And therefore THAT is how we are to live here as well: loving all Creation and all humanity for the sake of God, and willingly giving up our earthly lives for love of God. We are not to hate anything but sin.
...

"See here the fatal consequences of an inordinate love of life; many a man hugs himself to death, and loses his life by over-loving it. He that so loves his animal life as to indulge his appetite, and make provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof, shall thereby shorten his days, shall lose the life he is so fond of, and another infinitely better. He that is so much in love with the life of the body, and the ornaments and delights of it, as, for fear of exposing it or them, to deny Christ, he shall lose it-- that is, lose a real happiness in the other world, while he thinks to secure an imaginary one in this. Skin for skin a man may give for his life, and make a good bargain, but he that gives his soul, his God, his heaven, for it, buys life too dear, and is guilty of the folly of him who sold a birth-right for a mess of pottage."
Pasting this whole thing because it's the old war, and we must continue to guard our gates until death.
First... if you're so enraptured in hugging yourself, you will indeed die. You cannot reach out to embrace others. You cannot fend off the enemy. You cannot balance to walk straight. You cannot even feed yourself. Self-love is actually debilitating.
Second, "animal life" is life without the power of reason. That is indeed what we become when we enslave our human minds to our senses and instincts. Living like that, so blind and shallow, surely will shorten your life, if not in literal days then in figurative conscious awareness.
Third, you will still die. All animals will die, just as all men will die. But only a man, blessed with reason and freewill, has the hope of eternal life. Deny your humanity by living as an animal, and you forfeit that hope. Unfortunately... so many people nowadays see man as "just another animal." What an affront to God! What blasphemy against Christ!!!
Fourth, love of self means hatred of suffering, because selfishness cannot sacrifice. In this basic way, ego is opposed to Christ.
...
Fifth, the horrible thought of "trading heaven for earth." That shakes me to the core. "To forfeit my soul to keep my body." To choose self and reject Christ!!
...
The story of Esau always used to scare us, actually. We saw it as this terrible threat, that if we got hungry enough, we would be tricked into hell. But we also didn't understand the birthright. If he died of hunger, wasn't he correct in it being no good? But we missed the point. We prioritized the body, and disrespected the soul. We believed Esau's claim, not realizing how ruled and blinded he was by carnal desires and exaggerations, not realizing that the truest point of the birthright wasn't for emphasizing his body's survival, but for securing the blessing of his soul.
...


"See also the blessed recompence of a holy contempt of life. He that so hates the life of the body as to venture it for the preserving of the life of his soul shall find both, with unspeakable advantage, in eternal life. Note, First, It is required of the disciples of Christ that they hate their life in this world; a life in this world supposes a life in the other world, and this is hated when it is loved less than the other. Our life in this world includes all the enjoyments of our present state: riches, honours, pleasures, and long life in the possession of them; these we must hate: that is, despise them as vain and insufficient to make us happy, dread the temptations that are in them, and cheerfully part with them whenever they come in competition with the service of Christ. See here much of the power of godliness-- that it conquers the strongest natural affections; and much of the mystery of godliness-- that it is the greatest wisdom, and yet makes men hate their own lives. Secondly: Those who, in love to Christ, hate their own lives in this world, shall be abundantly recompensed in the resurrection of the just. "He that hateth his life shall keep it"; he puts it into the hands of One that will keep it to life eternal, and restore it with as great an improvement as the heavenly life can make of the earthly one."
Oh these are some great distinctions.
First: "holy contempt." This is indeed possible-- because holiness must always hate sin! Yet this very "hatred" only exists because holiness itself is Love. It wishes no violence or cruelty. It only wants the greatest Good, which is God and His Truth, and therefore hates sin as untruth, which must be erased so that Truth and Love and Light can enter into that space instead.
Second: when you prioritize your soul's life to the point of sacrificing your body's life for it, even while you still live on earth-- YOU "FIND BOTH"??? That seems like an impossible paradox! Why would you want to find what you "hate"? But remember what the commentary just said-- this is HOLY contempt, not human animosity! It is not disdain for life, but for the hindrance and suppression of real life, eternal life!
Ironically, those who love only their "animal lives" disqualify themselves from the greatest hope of those who reject such a carnal existence = in the end, on the last day, OUR BODIES ARE RESURRECTED.
Yeah, I actually didn't know that for most of my entire life. No wonder I felt so hopeless and afraid.
...
Third: there is no grey area. Infidelity is never allowed.
...
Fourth: A CLEAR DEFINITION!!!
...
Fifth: Godliness as opposed to worldliness.
...
Sixth: as for why & how our bodies are "kept for eternal life?" WE SURRENDER THEM TO CHRIST'S KEEPING.
That should really be the touchstone here. HE is the one that MUST be "holding our life in trust," NOT US, in order for it TO be "restored" in eternal life. We cannot restore it to ourselves; we don't even own it! Our life must be in HIS HANDS to be safe.
But I'm babbling.
In order to "keep" our life-- our real life, our soul-life-- as opposed to losing or forfeiting it, we must hate our worldly life-- our animal life, our dehumanizing life. We ALL have one, and we face it every single day-- we either battle & subdue it, or we let it devour us. How do we battle it, though? We must first realize that we are NOT it, that there IS ANOTHER life that we, as humans made in God's image, belong to. That awareness is perfected in Christ; although it indeed can be grasped naturally by the moral law & conscience, mortal strength alone cannot rise above & beyond it in truth. Try as we might, we cannot reach what we dimly know is there, beyond us, closer to God, Who we have fallen from. So God comes closer to us. Christ takes on our collective human nature, and then asks us to give Him our individual human lives. Why? So He can take US into Himself, and transform us into what we were created to be all along.
There has to be a simple way to say it.
I know I cannot become my true self on my own. I know I cannot overcome sin and death on my own. I know that as a mortal being, as a fallen human, I am under the curse, separated from God on some level, having lost the dignity & grace I was created to have. I cannot rule my own life, at all. I will always have instincts and temptations and weaknesses to fight & struggle with. I am not wise, I cannot trust my own senses, I know very little about reality and I have no way of discerning actual truth. My only hope is in God.
...I'm making no sense at all. I need to stop and turn to Scripture.
"Your life is hidden with Christ in God." "It is no longer I that live, but Christ lives in me."
...


"The Greeks desired to see Jesus, but Christ lets them know that it was not enough to see Him, they must serve Him. He did not come into the world, to be a show for us to gaze at, but a King to be ruled by."
That's what the Gospel is about, now we know!
But this is vital. Christ is indeed a beautiful, inspiring, motivational, wise and admirable man, as so many well-meaning "truthseekers" today view Him. They see His humanity, and the ineffable excellence, dignity, & goodness of it. But they don't see that He IS GOD, and therefore He IS TRUTH. Christ must be seen first, yes: first as really human, really man like us, and then as Christ, as Messiah and Savior-- but then still more deeply as Son of God, as Person of God, AS God. THEN we can serve Him. THEN He is rightly & truly our King. When we recognize His Divinity, we can no longer simply "admire Him"; now we realize we must adore Him. We shift from being mere "fans & admirers", to personally devoted servants. And He RIGHTLY COMMANDS THIS, because whether we "see" Him as such or not, HE IS KING.


"Christians must follow Christ... Let them attend their Master's movements = follow his methods and prescriptions; do the things that he says = follow his example and pattern; walk as he also walked = follow his conduct by his providence and Spirit. We must go whither he leads us, and in the way he leads us... "If any man serve me, if he put himself into that relation to me, let him apply himself to the business of my service, and be always ready at my call." Or, "If any man do indeed serve me, let him make an open and public profession of his relation to me, BY following me, as the servant owns his Master by following him in the streets.""
I paste things like this, not because they shock me with revelation, but because they build a foundation for such revelations to stand grounded upon. These are job descriptions; these are my marching orders. This is clear, practical, indispensable instruction for my new life as a Christian. I entered this Church with a very poor grasp on what I was supposed to do; now that I am finally learning, I must treasure & diligently study each word, then consistently put them into practice.
So. First: how to serve Christ? We've got three headlines here.
1= To attend to His movements, I must follow...
1a) His methods.
1b) His prescriptions.
2= To do what He says, I must follow...
2a) His
2b)
3= To walk as He walked, I must follow His conduct...
3a) by Providence
3b) by His Holy Spirit.
...
To "apply oneself to the business of Christ's service" is honestly an all-consuming effort.
In order TO be "always ready at His call," we must be the servants of the parable-- we must always have our loins girt & lamps lit. There is no break time. There is no slacking off. Your responsibility is greater than you know-- you serve the King! You have a place in His household, however small, and however unworthy you are! There is no greater Master, and He chose you, saved you from your previous tyrannical enslavement. How merciful, good, and loving this King of Glory is! When you truly revere & honor Him, then to abandon your post even for a moment becomes unthinkable.
...
Lastly, the "open and public profession"-- in silence, even! The servant says not a word, but His close & constant attendance to his Master, his vigilant attunement to His words & motions, all this proves his true relation and dedication.
Besides, what does a servant have to boast about? Only of the merits of His Master, never of himself.
...


"Let them attend their Master's repose: Where I am, there let my servant be, to wait upon me. Christ is where his church is, in the assemblies of his saints, where his ordinances are administered; and there let his servants be, to present themselves before him, and receive instructions from him."
Do we think about Mass that way? I think we can feel too much like spectators, or worse, as entitled to some benefit from it.
But in the Mass, we meet our Master. We "wait upon His Word" and we learn from Him how He wants us to live.
This is where Adoration is ESSENTIAL.
...
Christ is also IN HIS CHURCH-- yes, in His Mystical Body! "Whatsoever you do..." that applies here. Are we "waiting upon Him" in His people? Are we listening for their needs? Are we even WITH His people? How can we serve Him if we stay at arms length, if we avert our eyes, if we close our ears and hearts to their cries?
...


"Christ speaks of heaven's happiness as if he were already in it: Where I am; because he was sure of it, and near to it, and it was still upon his heart, and in his eye. And the same joy and glory which he thought recompence enough for all his services and sufferings are proposed to his servants as the recompence of theirs... The reward is honour, true lasting honour, the highest honour; it is the honour that comes from God, [for] It is said (Proverbs 27:18), He that waits on his Master (humbly and diligently) shall be honoured."
THAT is the "peace that surpasses understanding."
Christ WAS already in heaven; He never actually left! He was always in unity with the Father, as a Divine Person. They could not be separated.
I think an echo of that is what Christ offers to us, who follow & serve Him in love & so remain with Him... because He IS God, and to be with God IS heaven. So no matter what we suffer, we can still have joy & glory in Him, Who we suffer both for and with. That unity is a foretaste of Heaven.
The reward of honor is also the reward of Heaven, which is the reward of right relationship with God? It all feels connected. The servant is honored BY waiting on his Master even now, true, but "eye has not seen" what greatet reward awaits such humble & constant devotion when the workday of life is finally over.
I just think of Saint Thomas Aquinas. "Only You, Lord."


"Trouble of soul sometimes follows after great enlargements of spirit. In this world of mixture and change we must expect damps upon our joy, and the highest degree of comfort to be the next degree to trouble. When Paul had been in the third heavens, he had a thorn in the flesh."
THIS HAPPENED TO JESUS. So stop thinking that when it happens to you, it's "impending doom" and Divine judgment of wrath that you "dared to be happy" or "had the nerve to enjoy something"!!


"Holy mourning is consistent with spiritual joy, and the way to eternal joy. Christ was now troubled, now in sorrow, now in fear, now for a season; but it would not be so always, it would not be so long. The same is the comfort of Christians in their troubles; they are but for a moment, and will be turned into joy."

See, to accept this, you HAVE to also accept that JOY ISN'T A SIN. GOD ACTUALLY WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY IN HIM. HE DOESN'T WANT OR INTEND TO MAKE YOU SUFFER FOREVER. Remember the seed!! The law still applies!!




102323

Oct. 23rd, 2023 10:40 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
THE BUSY MORNING!
God MIRACULOUSLY got us through. HE HEARS OUR PRAYERS.

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VOTD = "THE UNION OF HEAVEN AND EARTH IS WHAT THE STORY OF THE BIBLE IS ALL ABOUT-- how they were once FULLY UNITED and then driven apart, and about how God IS bringing them back together once again."
In Eden, Heaven & Earth were COMPLETELY OVERLAPPING. God & humanity lived TOGETHER, perfectly, with NO separation, and humankind "partnered WITH GOD" to build a beautiful world. But we wanted to do things our own way, without God's input or control? We CHOSE TO SEPARATE??? And the earth became separated from God just as we were as its stewards? BACE talks about this. BUT the point is that THIS SEPARATION EVEN OF "SPACE" IS UNNATURAL.
⭐Key overlap spaces = TEMPLES!!! Because GOD'S PRESENCE IS THERE. They were decorated with gold & jewels & images of fruit & flowers, designed to "Make you feel like you're going back to the garden"!!!
Animal sacrifices were described very loosely in the VOTD movie; basically they said the pure animals "absorbed some of the sin" in our worldly space, to the effect of "clearing a spot" where Heaven and earth COULD unite, in the Temple. Otherwise, heaven is too holy and earth too sinful for ANY unity to happen anymore. The innocent blood of the sacrificial lambs "burned away" enough of the sin in that earthly place AND IN THAT HUMAN? so to speak, for Both to be CAPABLE of uniting with Heaven, for God's Holy Presence TO be accessible BY MAN once again.
⭐JESUS IS A LIVING TEMPLE in this exact way. He IS the unity of God & humanity. BUT "what's interesting about Jesus is that He's not staying in this safe, clean space. He's running around, hanging out with sinners.  He's healing people of their sicknesses and forgiving people of their sins. He's basically creating little pockets of Heaven, where people can be in God's Presence, but He's doing it OUT THERE, in the middle of the world of sin & death." He keeps telling everyone that "the Kingdom of Heaven is AT HAND"!" 
BUT Jesus is not just the Temple, He is ALSO THE SACRIFICE. "The Cross is now the place where Jesus absorbs sin, to create a clean space that is not limited like animal sacrifices.  Jesus's sacrifice has the power to keep spreading & spreading and reuniting more & more of Heaven and earth." "The focus of the Bible is on how Heaven and earth ARE being reunited THROUGH JESUS and will be completely brought together one day when He returns."
ALSO "In the Book of Revelation we get this beautiful image of the Garden of Eden, NOW IN THE FORM OF A CITY, coming to end the age of sin and death by redeeming all of human history in a renewed Creation, and God's space & human space completely overlap once again."

Oh man the written reflection SLAMS in light of current global events =
"When violence breaks out, we automatically hope for safety. Similarly, when we experience suffering and ongoing corruption in our world, we often hope for an "escape to Heaven" where we can rest in peace after we die. But what if such hope is misplaced? What if Jesus teaches us to rest in peace right now, while we're alive, and to hope for God's promised reality of a renewed Earth more than for a divine escape plan? The New Testament does offer a few ambiguous ideas about people Joining God in heavenly paradise after death, but those are not the Bible's focus. From start (Genesis) to finish (Revelation), Scripture tells a story about God uniting Heaven and Earth together into one beautiful world, where all the goodness of his Kingdom is the same on Earth as it is in the skies. Ours is an escape from death and corruption in our world, not from our world itself. Like God's heavenly realm, His renewed creation will be free from death and decay, filled with endless provision and love between all living creatures. Jesus prays to the Father: "Your kingdom come, Your Will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matt. 6:10). He is not generally teaching people to hope for an escape to somewhere better; He's specifically teaching us to hope for God's PROMISED renewal of all things. By hoping this way, we learn to love and bless people more than avoiding or judging them. We learn to care for God's world rather than to abandon it. Our desire for God's promised renewal becomes real living hope, and that moves us toward resting in peace right now, here in our world that God IS renewing."
Once again, CHECKMATE, GNOSTICISM.
But oh man, I was NOT taught this growing up, OR as an adult. I legitimately subscribed to that fatalistic "hope" of destruction, figuring it "didn't matter what happened to this fallen world because God is going to burn it up one day anyway." Seriously. I actually used to LOOK FORWARD to everything being "Divinely razed and reset." I saw the world as so corrupt, "renewal" was not just impossible, but deplorable in its "injustice". Such an evil place DESERVED to be utterly annihilated. To "simply paint over the scum" would be an insult to goodness itself.
You see why I have historically treated myself so mercilessly. Same exact mindset. It's because even as a child I never learned about Jesus, not properly. I was told He "died for my sins" but "it SHOULD'VE been me" and apparently "God was mad at me" STILL despite the Cross, because I was "such a bad girl" He had "left me for the devil," etc. When someone told me that "Jesus loved me," I just figured it was the same kind of love my family had, the only love I knew-- it's there as long as you make them happy, but the instant you slip, they hate you. Oh, and you "never loved THEM, either, since you did a bad thing." The ONLY way to be "restored" to favor, to be lovable again, was to submit to punishment: to beatings and forced prayer and loss of possessions, sometimes permanently. But those razor-sharp eggshells remained all over the ground. Et cetera. I'm off topic.
The point is= even my grandma would often gleefully celebrate when a thunderstorm rolled in, hoping it would "tear the house down as punishment for you bad kids." I began to mentally connect "destruction" and "absolution." In my daily life I basically coped with problems and frustrations by crushing them and pulverizing myself. Nothing was healed or dealt with or discussed or forgiven. Nothing was renewed or restored. Despite grandpa duct-taping every disaster into a semblance of function, the upkeep was exhausting and elaborate, and always with the understanding that the slightest wrong move would break the busted thing again. It was actually a relief when something failed so completely beyond hope that it HAD to be thrown out, so we could have something new and clean and functional, instead of an irredeemable shambles. I saw myself exactly the same way.
I literally thought death and violence were the answer.
...
There's too much here, and its too important, to attempt to type on a phone about it. Mark this for the laptop, line by line.
(It actually ties into yesterday's ttywpf reflection too, about nature. I didn't type on that either yet, which is good-- this will enrich my response.)

Oh but LISTEN TO THE QUESTIONS =
"How does God's work of reuniting Heaven and Earth give you hope?
1) Hoping for Earth’s renewal helps me love God's world and everyone in it. God ISN'T throwing His creation away; He's making all things new.
2) It sparks strong hope in the way of Jesus, and with that hope, a deeper desire to generously forgive, bless, and love all people.
3) Hoping for Heaven and Earth to reunite helps me focus on the present. I'm not waiting to escape later; I’m hoping for new life, today."

This all hurts so much. Thank God. I've been praying for a true sword of sorrow like this, to reveal where I'm wounded the most.
I am a coward. I'm running away from life. I'm escaping because I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I see no future. I genuinely fear God IS going to throw it all away and I'll be first on the bonfire. I'm terrified that there is no hope for me-- there is no new life possible for a soul so sunk in sin.
And yet... I'm out of the hospital. The bulimia is in remission. Julie has converted. CNC is over forever. I'm LITERALLY BEING RENEWED RIGHT NOW. God HAS BEEN restoring my soul to health EVERY DAY for MONTHS if not YEARS, and am I so blind to it???
...
...


Guided prayer is strikingly in tune with this actually =
"Father God, I recognize that lack of trust is ultimately a sign of pride, and so I ask You to uproot it. Remove the behaviors and thought patterns that prevent me from recognizing and doing Your will. Change the way I think and act so that way I CAN take part in building Your Kingdom. In Jesus’ name, Amen."
...
My first question = if a lack of trust is pride, and MY lack of trust is drenched in fear & anxiety, am I somehow actually TAKING PRIDE in that very fear???
Have I somehow actually rooted this asinine "identity" INTO fear?? It sure feels like it. This post-ED, "female" self-attempt is terribly unhealthy emotionally, chronically miserable & self-pitying and prone to play the "girl card" as "justification" for being "weak & emotional & inept." WE WERE NEVER LIKE THIS BEFORE, ESPECIALLY NOT AS A CHILD!!! What the shark is going on here???
Nevertheless, that's not the direct topic. Our real question is= what is the root of our  pride, that is fueling distrust and fear?
As for what, particularly, is preventing us from building God's Kingdom... well, reread the VOTD. We just defined that very Kingdom of Heaven, in "stark contrast" to this earthly kingdom, and outlined the reason WHY they're separated currently.
We also explained why we have, until very recently, seen that "currently" as "permanently"-- at least, until Armageddon, that is.
...
...
Another bit, from Clarke: "[They prayed that Christ's] Kingdom might come, in the light and knowledge of it, and in the power and efficacy of it."
Considering this prayer, it suggests that "the way I think and act" is often at odds with the coming of the Kingdom, as those wrongful ways prevent me from building it. Put together, this implies that I lack knowledge of the Kingdom, and have not truly seen its light, because otherwise its efficacious power WOULD be working IN my thoughts and actions. Before I CAN help build the Kingdom, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I'M BUILDING, and I can only "get those blueprints" FROM JESUS. He IS the Light, He IS the King! So, the bottom line is... I don't have enough knowledge of Jesus. Therefore, I cannot recognize or do His Will-- which is to help Him bring about His Kingdom of salvation and Truth and Love.
...I don't know Him enough because I don't trust Him enough, and I don't trust Him enough because I'm TOO PROUD. That's the chain of events outlined in that prayer.
It's terrifying, and disturbing. Where is pride still reigning?? It's hiding far too well. I WANT to know Jesus, I WANT to grow close to Him-- so what on earth is this FEAR??? It makes no bloody sense. Why am I so scared to death of ALL relationships?? I assume I will be abused or used. Is THAT the pride?? Do I think I'm "better without others"??? OR is that pride ACTUALLY evidenced in my "seeking a relationship" on MY OWN terms, and FOR SELF-BENEFIT??? I "want a girlfriend" for ME to love; I don't even consider that the girl in question might want to reciprocate!! Then I would BAIL, like I did in CNC. Strange how pride and self-hatred have the same egocentric roots, but they do.
...

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Matthew Henry Commentary moving slowly but still moving. Verse 15.

"Though Christ comes [into His Kingdom] but slowly (an ass is slow-paced), yet He comes surely, and with such expressions of humility and condescension as greatly encourage the addresses and expectations of His loyal subjects. Humble supplicants may reach to speak with Him."
The amount of compassion and mercy here is amazing. Jesus is indeed the rightful King and Lord of EVERY heart, but He will never barge in, or force the gates open, or even make a fuss about shoeing up. He brings no cavalry, no parade, nothing to threaten or impose or aggress. He never flaunts His rights, even as God!! No, He shows up as a man, like us, humbly and quietly riding on a donkey, completely nonthreatening, and seated low and plainly enough to reach out and touch.
...


"In the prophecy, Zion is told to rejoice greatly, and to shout, but here it is rendered, Fear not. Unbelieving fears are enemies to spiritual joys; if they be cured, if they be conquered, joy will come of course; Christ comes to His people to silence their fears. If the case be so that we cannot reach to the exultations of joy, yet we should labour to get from under the oppressions of fear. Rejoice greatly; at least, fear not."
This is a POINT-BLANK SHOT.
How many years now have I been lamenting my loss of joy? How long have I been haunted by the religious terror my very bones seem to have absorbed? And the two are INTRINSICALLY CONNECTED???
I mean, now that it's in front of me on paper, it makes so much obvious sense, but... I'm still reeling. This has MASSIVE implications across the board.
...


"It well becomes the disciples of Christ, when they are grown up to maturity in knowledge, frequently to reflect upon the follies and weaknesses of their first beginning, that free grace may have the glory of their proficiency, and they may have compassion on the ignorant."
It's ALL the Work of God. NOTHING in my spiritual growth journey has actually been of my own doing. I had no skill, no strength, no sense! I had no power or prudence or peace. I was an addicted, abusive, amoral abomination. When God found me, I was bloody and naked and thrown out like the trash, unloved and unlovable... but He saw me-- He saw me-- and told me to live. And His Word alone was what gave me the very life I needed to stand up, and breathe, and stagger on, with some small strange and precious spark of hope now fluttering in my shriveled heart.
...
God took me in. I am alive, now. I made it through the torture of my prematurity, as it were, incubated in grace despite all odds.
...
Looking back... it's so obviously His Work, every thread, every speck of paint.
...


"Such an admirable harmony there is between the word and works of God that the remembrance of what is written will enable us to understand what is done, and the observation of what is done will help us to understand what is written. As we have heard, so have we seen. The scripture is every day fulfilling."
It's "living and active" FOREVER. This changes the whole way we live by it! It isn't just "good advice" or historical education. It's REALLY APPLICABLE RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE IT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Not describing a possibility, not similar in past circumstances. The Scripture is ALWAYS RIGHT NOW, because SO IS GOD. Like Him, it is forever-- always complete, yet always growing in fulfillment. "Both/and."
...


"Many a good sermon Christ had preached in Jerusalem, which drew not such crowds after Him as this one miracle did. But... this miracle was reserved for one of the last, that it might confirm those which went before, and might gain Him this honour just before His sufferings; Christ's works were all not only well done but well timed."

This is relevant to His miracles in our life, too. He starts small, almost imperceptibly, and builds up a growing awareness of God working in a life that did not know Him... by this gentle gradual revelation of care, a natural trust is forged, even unawares. In time, He works greater miracles, as the heart is more pliable towards Him.
In the end, even during a crisis of faith, Christ works the most spectacular miracle-- and suddenly you KNOW it's Him, you KNOW this is God working in your life, and everything up to that point unexpectedly shines with a new and amazing light.
I'm being too vague. Third person hypothetical language prevents honesty, you know.
...


"We must thankfully use the privileges we have, though there may be others from which we are shut out."
Ah, this hits deep, as someone who is still coming to terms with the fact that I actually cannot be a nun after all.
But this actually applies far further than explicit vocation.
...


"Having a desire to see Christ, these Greeks were industrious in the use of proper means. They did not conclude it impossible to get to speak with Him, just because He was so much crowded, nor did they rest in bare wishes, but resolved to try what could be done... those that would have the knowledge of Christ must seek it."

THAT'S hunger for Truth, hunger for God. Just thinking about food won't feed you. When you feel your soul starving, you must be zealous.
...

"It was an instance of the veneration the Greeks had for Christ that they made an interest with one of his disciples for an opportunity to converse with Him, [instead of presuming to approach Christ directly]-- a sign that they looked upon Him as some great one, though he appeared [common and poor]. Those that would see Jesus by faith now that He is in heaven must apply to His ministers, whom He had appointed for this purpose, to guide poor souls in their enquiries after Him."
Another check against spiritual pride, and a proof of essential Christian community!
It also REALLY DIGNIFIES PRIESTS.
...
So many popular "religions" in today's world do presume to "approach God directly," assuming that they have the RIGHT and POWER to do so, as if they were His equal! And that's the entire problem. Pride is rampant in the hearts of modern men. As secular thought prevails and God is ignored, humanity rises to take His position, claiming His Power and Knowledge as their own, ignorant of their mortal limits. What fools we have become.
...

"Their business is, they would see Jesus; not only see His Face... but they would have some free conversation with Him, and be taught by Him... In our attendance upon holy ordinances, and particularly the gospel passover [of the Mass], the great desire of our souls should be to see Jesus; to have our acquaintance with Him increased, our dependence on Him encouraged, our conformity to Him carried on; to see Him as ours, to keep up communion with Him, and derive communications of grace from Him: we miss of our end in coming if we do not see Jesus."
Oh wow this is richly beautiful, and VERY relevant to the actual desires of my heart lately. I should take it point by point.
What does it mean, to truly see Jesus?
1. We must, at the very least, see His Face.
2. We must have "free conversation with Him." This is actually done best in Adoration.
3. We must "be taught by Him" in our conversations. We cannot just talk; we must dialogue. We must listen, and hear.
4. We must "increase our acquaintance with Him." Our goal must BE relationship, not mere study or curiosity or duty.
5. We must "encourage our dependence on Him." This happens naturally, i think, when we spend more time with Him-- we realize through experience how perfectly trustworthy He is, and how absolutely helpless we are without Him.
6.
7.
8.


"Christ's ministers should be helpful to one another and concur in helping souls to Christ: Two are better than one. It should seem that Andrew and Philip brought this message to Christ when He was teaching in public, for we read of the people that stood by; but He was seldom alone."
All this together really struck me. Christ's Church, His Body, is a community... the Trinity Theirself is a Relationship... why then do we always imagine Christ standing alone? He was never aloof. From His very Birth He was surrounded by family and neighbors, disciples and crowds,
Do we not realize that He is standing with us too?
In the Tabernacle, He yearns for company.
...
We, too, as Christians, cannot live alone.
...



102223

Oct. 22nd, 2023 11:34 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)


Church so SUPER BUSY

Morning email for birthday funds!

Beautiful hymns at Mass, and IN MY RANGE. Thank You God. I was able to pour out my all for Him.
I sincerely hope my service had a "good impression" on the CCD kids, to show them that someone "like them" was serving the Lord. I hope that's not proud to hope for. I just care deeply for the faith lives of the youth, and I want them to feel represented in the Church they are entering, however I can, because I didn't, and often still don't. But God loves me and I love Him more and more every day, by His Grace alone, despite my stupidity & weakness. I just want so badly for faith flourish in these kids; even if i never see it, i still want to help our Lord plant the seeds.

WORLD MISSION SUNDAY TALK!
STUNNED. Literally brought to tears several times.

...I keep getting moved to tears during prayer now, too, especially in Universalis hours. I see connections now, between psalm and Gospel, between multiple readings, between what I'm reading and what daily life has brought me. The "synchronicity" is so rich, yet quiet. It's different from the pagan-days, but I know it's still God nudging my attention to Him working. It's a "still small voice" now, in expansive truth, not a loud and random sign with no deeper spiritual weight-- I couldn't perceive any such depth back then. I was still lost, so the Spirit's voice was a loud and sudden call to attention. Now that He knows I'm listening better, honestly applying myself as a student, He can talk to me. It's so humbling, so wonderful, to feel Him speaking to me now as someone He knows by name.
I'm so full of love for God. It's small, pitiably small, compared to what it should be, of course... but it's holographic nevertheless, just like Christ Who IS this Love. I'm still feeling real love, real honest charity, if only for a moment. I must treasure and cultivate it with all the grace I've got. God will give me what I need as I need it. He makes the roses grow. I'm just so grateful to finally be a garden.


Guided prayer thought=
God CREATED time, and space, and everything in it, but HE EXISTED BEFORE & BEYOND. Therefore everything that is EXISTED IN HIM before it was Spoken into being. In God, in His Essence, is all the beauty and wonder and power in the cosmos. The color of a hummingbird, the scent of an iris, the majesty of a nebula, the elegance of an aurora, everything. Subatomic particles and galaxies both. ALL of it somehow IS DEFINED BY HIM.
Why did He create it? Because Life must perpetuate itself. Why did He create us? Because Love must give of itself.
The Trinity CHOSE to share their inherent & invincible joy with us created things. They wanted to give that wonder and awe to us, we who could never even imagine what God always knows and is and does.
It's just... so humbling and so staggeringly beautiful. God chose to create us, everything, out of pure Divine Love... so that we could return love for love. There is no nobler reason for existence.

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VOTD= HUGE and informative vid on HOPE in Scripture, both Hebrew & Greek = WAITING & TENSE EXPECTATION based on the CHARACTER OF GOD-- and therefore on JESUS CHRIST, WHO IS OUR LIVING HOPE!!!
⭐BIBLICAL HOPE IS NOT OPTIMISM!!!!!  (TILLY PAY ATTENTION!!!)
"...Optimism distorts the way we hope for a new future... Optimism is often impersonal and a stranger to our emotions, so it relies on circumstances as a compass. Biblical hope is different because it is a choice to rely on a Person (Jesus), not our circumstances... Unlike optimism, which only measures the surface, Biblical hope goes deep to ask that Jesus would meet us IN our sadness or anticipation, [EVEN IF THEY DON'T CHANGE]."
"Optimism is about choosing to see, in any situation, how things might work out for the best.  But Biblical hope is not based on circumstances. In fact, people in the Bible often recognize that there's NO evidence things will get better, but you choose hope anyway."

⭐THIS IS EXACTLY THE BIGGEST AND DEADLIEST CONFLICT WE HAVE WITH THE SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM AND THE THRISKEFONI!!!
...

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Back to Matthew Henry, hopefully I won't get distracted by ranting about everything the man says. I need to be discerning, and ONLY type about what STRIKES me, especially in a convicting way. I am NOT writing a "supplemental commentary" on his remarks. Thats not the point, and some "typing level" Thriskefoni apparently thinks that IS the goal. No ma'am, it's not. That misses the ENTIRE POINT. The only reason we even started this typing effort on the faithpastes was so we TRULY GROW IN OUR UNDERSTANDING OF OUR RELIGIOUS FAITH, ESPECIALLY OF THE PERSON OF JESUS. Our typing must be an outpouring of an inspired and humble heart, for the sake of expressing gratitude and love for what we are actively learning with an open and teachable spirit. This is NOT a proud "showing off of our own insights". No. This is to glorify God alone.
If we start rambling, STOP. Don't feed that mental state. If it is forced or exhausting, STOP. That's not the Holy Spirit. If you start feeling smug or self-satisfied, STOP. That means you're speaking garbage, no matter how much gold spraypaint you gaud it with.
Lord guide us today and always. Please, put our heart back in its proper place-- nailed to the foot of the Cross.
I don't know why that is still so true. We need to type about that too, honestly. But that's where we need to be anchored, at the very heart of things.
Jesus, keep us there with You today.


"They came to see Lazarus and Christ together, which was a very inviting sight. Some came... only for the gratifying of their curiosity, that they might say "they had seen a man who had been dead and buried, and yet lived again!"; so that Lazarus served for a show... [such foolish men] spent their time in telling and hearing new things. Perhaps some came to put curious questions to Lazarus about the state of the dead, to ask "what news from the other world"... But if any came on this errand it is probable that Lazarus was silent, and gave them no account of his voyage; at least, the Scripture is silent, and gives us no account of it; and we must not covet to be wise above what is written. But our Lord Jesus was present, Who was a much fitter Person for them to apply to than Lazarus; for if we hear not Moses and the prophets, Christ and the apostles, if we heed not what they tell us concerning another world, neither should we be persuaded though Lazarus rose from the dead! We have a more sure word of prophecy."
A few solid warnings here.
Curiosity is not a virtue. Wonder is. Curiosity is motivated by a subtle pride, seeking entertainment & education both for its own sake of acquisition. Curiosity likes to boast of its special honors & allegedly exclusive knowledge. Curiosity meets a mystery and wants to conquer it, to take it apart and comprehend it, to attain such a privilege of knowing what was once unknown and still was to most. Curiosity kills more than just cats. It kills humility, it kills faith, it kills reverence, it kills mystery, it kills wonder. Perhaps I'm being harsh, but for myself at least, it is needed. I know what curious Kakofoni can do. I know what amoral lengths a curious mind is willing to go to when it's itchy enough. For me, Curiosity is the dissecter, the analyzer, ultimately the obsessed. Curiosity is not content with unknowing, with the unseen, with the unexplained-- because it feels a terrible void in itself that it wants filled. It comes face to face with something it cannot parse and it panics. It must gain the upper hand somehow. Curiosity hears that a dead man has been raised from the dead and it must see him with its own eyes, it must investigate this claim, it cannot sit with the tension of the unverified inexplicable. It will not stop wondering until it knows, whatever it can, for sure.

Rambling. It's all garbage.

They did not see Lazarus as a person. They saw him as a sideshow.
If we view miracles as entertainment, as party tricks, as things exciting to our eyes and imaginations, then we do not deserve to see any miracles, and indeed their truths will be hidden from us.
Those who saw Lazarus as a roadside attraction were cutting his very wondrous existence off from the sole Divine reason for it. They saw the effect and disregarded the cause. Jesus was RIGHT THERE, and they paid Him no heed.
...

Curiosity's great desire is to intellectually conquer. It wants that position of educated power. It wants to stand smug and satisfied on the solid high ground of knowing.
"Yes, I have heard it. I have seen it. I know it. I can confirm it as true."
And then what? Where does God fit into your knowledge?

Many came seeking arcane knowledge. More Curiosity. They wanted to know what they had no right, no reason, to know.
Death is supposed to be a mystery. The afterlife is not meant to be known before it is entered. Mortal minds have neither capacity nor qualifications to demand facts about the supernatural facts of life or death. We are not gods-- we are not God; do we try to emulate the devil?? Why do we want to know? Why can we not trust the Creator even now?
Why do we want to see beyond and yet remain here? Do we think about the implications of such knowledge, should we get it? Do we want to damn ourselves like the fallen angels, seeking their fatal liberation from both doubt and subservience?
Why do we seek after ghosts and demons and spirits beyond? What do we hope to gain? Is it just sheer stupid Curiosity, working its malignant magic in minds that claim themselves arrogantly justified by its very insistences?
...

"Scripture is silent," therefore we must not let Curiosity defile her either. We must not force Scripture to answer us, or put words in her mouth, when God has not told her to speak.
That hit me hard. I fear that I do that-- I study too much, seeking explanations and expositions on every verse, as if the Word alone was insufficient, as if it needed human approval or validation!
Do not misunderstand, faithful commentary is still pious and helpful, but it is supplemental. It responds TO Scripture, without seeking or claiming any authority of its own. All good and true commentary is ultimately a love-letter to God, in reply to His Own ineffable Words. It is an unfolding of the infinite beauty of the Bible, a revelation of still further depths of fathomless Truth, without ever even suggesting that it KNOWS those Mysteries authoritatively. It cannot. No man can. Curiosity destroys Faith because it doesn't believe what it cannot see. It has it backwards.
I need to stop.
Jesus is the only Answer we need.


"[The religious party] had done all they could to alienate the people from Him, and exasperate them against Him, and yet [even] their admirers were so overcome by the convincing evidence of Christ's miracles that they went away from the interest and party of the priests, went off from obedience to their tyranny, and believed on Jesus; and it was by reason of Lazarus; his resurrection put life into their faith, and convinced them that this Jesus was undoubtedly the Messiah, and had life in Himself, and power to give life. This miracle confirmed them in the belief of His other miracles... what was impossible to Him that could raise the dead?"
THIS IS WHY CONVERTS AND REVERTS NEED A VOICE IN THE CHURCH. OUR TESTIMONY IS POWERFUL FOR GOD, BY GOD.
When someone who once was dead, dead in sin, hopelessly dead and rotting, corpse ravaged beyond recognition by hell's diseases or wars or abuses, and you SAW their tomb, you SAW them a lifeless husk going down into the grave-- when such a man is suddenly unearthed and breathing, alive and whole before you, smiling with a joy theretofore unknown and alien to their wretched soul, and that very miracle of a man standing arm in arm with Jesus, singing His Name, praising His Mercy, proclaiming His Love-- would that not revitalize your faith in turn? Such desperately wounded and long-lost souls are the canvases on which Jesus Christ paints His most stunning masterpieces. Where mortal men see only a scorched-black waste, Jesus sees the perfect basecoat for His gorgeous hues of hope and holiness to sparkle upon.
Why are our voices so quiet in our communities? Are we muting ourselves? Are we ignoring the colors Christ blessed us with, morbidly obsessed with what we know is beneath it? Is that how we treat God's forgiveness-- as a topcoat? Do we devalue His omnipotent Love so rudely? Drop the literalism. Drop the need to understand. His "paints" soak into the soul, you realize. Jesus does not color with created things. He is Life and Light and Love, and like the Shroud of Turin, you're never getting that Image out of your heartstrings. You were dead, man, you were a gutless nightmare and instead of leaving you to the worms Jesus called your name and took your hand and gave you LIFE. Did you seriously think you could ever be the same afterwards? Take another look. There's nothing under the paint anymore. That color IS your canvas now.


"God will have Lazarus to live by miracle, and they will have him to die by malice. They cry, "Away with such a fellow, it is not fit he should live," when God had so lately sent him back to the earth, declaring it highly fit he should live; what was this [defiance] but walking contrary to God? ... One would think that they should rather have consulted how they might have joined in friendship with Lazarus and his family, and by their mediation have reconciled themselves to this Jesus whom they had persecuted; but the god of this world had blinded their minds."
...In light of the previous comment... how terribly often do we Christians even, "resist" God's saving the lives of those we deem unworthy? Are we so easily the Prodigal's brother?
I have actually heard people say that they would not want to go to heaven if "their estranged sister" or "that evil politician" or "that person who raped me" was somehow there as well, by the Sovereign Mercy of God and said "unworthy" soul's response to it.
But we treat people just as hopelessly on earth, if they convert sooner! Dare they walk into MY church? "Away with such a fellow, it is not fit he should live"?
...
Do we forget Who raised such a one from the dead? Do you question His motives, His special love? Do you not realize that in hating Lazarus resurrected you hate Christ the Resurrection?


"[Not] the inhabitants of Jerusalem, but the country people that came from remote parts, [were who came] to worship at the feast; the nearer the temple of the Lord, the further from the Lord of the temple."
I read this and immediately thought, "the temple is our body." The friendlier we are with our body, with our senses and whims and earthly desires-- the more time we spend exalting and entertaining it, flaunting and feeding it-- the further away we will be from the TRUE Lord OF that Temple, because we will have evicted Him, and set up our own idol thrones.
The people "of the city"-- those who are smothered in modern culture and technology and convenience-- are often so crammed full of such superfluity that there's simply no room in their hearts to do more than shove Jesus into a corner somewhere. But those who live "in the remote parts", those who are called "country people" with perhaps a note of disdain-- they live with their hopes and joys set on God. The less distraction we have from vain inventions, the fewer fleeting fads and follies we are exposed to, the more clearly we can see and hear God in His own Creation, and the more keenly aware we are of our own smallness and dependence on Him.
...


"They were not the rulers, nor the great men, that went out to meet Christ, but the commonalty; some would have called them a mob, a rabble: but Christ has chosen the weak and foolish things (1 Corinthians 1:27), and is honoured more by the multitude than by the magnificence of His followers; for He values men by their souls, not their [earthly] names and [worldly] titles of honour."
As a very weak & very foolish thing, with no good name or respectable title, who has nevertheless been called to be a Christian, this is so consoling to my poor soul it aches.
I was a bit befuddled by "multitude over magnificence," then I realized I had the wrong idea. Christ is not honored by the faith of a King or President any more than He is honored by the faith of a homeless child or a disabled widow. The utterly helpless stand equal with the monoliths of power as far as Christ is concerned-- for ultimately all Power is God's. Likewise, the man with the highest IQ and multiple degrees is equal to the mentally disabled man who cannot even speak. All trophies, all awards, all history books and museum displays, all worldly "honors" mean absolutely nothing to Christ, and bring Him no honor-- only faith working through love means anything in heaven. So that speaks for magnificence.
But multitude? Christ isn't honored by empty conversions either. He isn't counting sheer numbers. "Many are called, few are chosen." Christ DOES thirst for ALL souls, but He will not force or compel a single one to respond to His Loving call. Neither can we, although sometimes we shamefully do try. Those are the "multitudes" that don't honor Him-- all the "faithless faithful" who are only in church because their parents dragged them there, or because their neighbors would gossip otherwise, or because they like the after-service socialization... those who bear His Name only on their uniform, but not on their hearts, as it were. True, some may eventually convert in truth, but most will not, if current polls mean anything. Faith cannot be forced. Cold numbers do not honor God. But there IS a multitude that DOES bring Him the greatest honor, and that is the multitude of faith-- the "great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language," who will all stand together-- royalty and refugee, genius and illiterate, respected and rejected-- all will be united in their faith & love & salvation before the Heavenly Throne and the Lamb, praising and honoring Him forever.


"Those that have a true value and veneration for Christ will neither be ashamed nor afraid to own him before men in any instance whereby they may do Him honour."
This actually requires humility of discernment. Some folks boast almost tastelessly of their belief in Christ, making a show of it, but all it actually does is draw attention to themselves. It isn't preaching Christ as the Son of God and Son of Man; it isn't living out His Gospel in practical charity. It's just a megaphone shout of "I love Jesus!" "Proud to be Christian!" "One Nation Under God!" etc. effectively as a slogan. Even if it comes from an honest heart, that sort of flaunting will eventually erode the roots, and is not the way to win any souls in earnest. Why? Because the focus in actually on your faith, not Who you have faith IN. The honor is going to YOU, showing off your devotion, polishing your reputation as a believer.
Also, "taking the initiative to declare Him" in such a manner-- usually in a publicly frequented area, with no risk to health or life, but a definite probability of inciting irritable haters-- doesn't really risk "shame," as the sort of personality that would make such a show likely considers "public shaming" a badge of honor. But I'm being too unkind. Such staunchness is admirable. To WANT to declare one's love for Jesus, or status as a Christian, is a grace and I pray that their zeal is preserved & increased. But such virtues always run the risk of being tempted into vices, because the devil hates to see us fallen humans turning to Christ.
I'm being so judgmental. I am so sorry.
It just... I don't understand "American religious pride." It seems too loud, too brazen, too irreverent even. People put Jesus on coffee mugs and crew socks and throwaway notepads, and do they genuinely believe that is evidence of fervent faith? Is it? It strikes me as borderline blasphemy. Faith is not decorative. Jesus is not your mascot, your homeboy, or your company logo. Christ should NEVER be commercialized. THAT is the vibe I get from the ostentatious "owning Him before men" that I see in my country. It feels... incomplete, insincere, somehow.
A question is demanded of me, then. "What sort of "owning Christ," then, in your opinion, WOULD do Him honor?" All I can do is point back to the quote. When would you be afraid to do so? When would you be shamed if you did so? Shame is harder for many in the previous example cases to imagine, I think, and thank God-- may it always be so. They grew up Christian, in a Christian family, in a Christian town, and they are living a glimpse of heaven in that respect. The very idea of being ashamed of their faith makes no sense. But another believer grew up atheist, or pagan, or Muslim, or Hindu, and to declare Christ would mean family rejection or disownment, community ostracization or excommunication, even a real risk of torment, torture, or death, depending on the opposing anti-Christian zeal. THAT is when faith is proven, by fire.
But it's an extreme example. What about when your faith is deemed irrational, delusional, crazy even? What if you knew that being openly Christian would mean losing your job, your friends, your housing, your reputation, your status, your respect? What if owning Christ meant YOU had to "disown" certain friends, business partnerships, hobbies, possessions, dreams, beliefs? What if saying "I love Jesus" meant you would have to say "I hate what I used to love in the world?" Or even yet-- "I hate who I am without Him?" Would you go to confession and own the shame of admitting to the worst sins you can remember, without trying to justify or sugarcoat them? Would you face the fear of really reading those hard parts of the Bible that you know are talking about your sins? Would you own the shame of admitting to living in opposition to Church Doctrine, and the fear of cold-turkey converting to a new way of living in proper Christian morality? Because if we DO have a true value & veneration for Christ, then we won't count the cost of love and we WILL SAY YES to ALL those crosses of circumstance.
THAT'S the daily warfare we must fight for Christ. THAT is what does Him honor. What else could do Him due honor, He Who is God? Only LOVE, for love is of God, and love is self-sacrifice, for Love is the Cross.

Ah, but I am justly chastened.
"Those who wish well to Christ's kingdom should be forward to proclaim what they know that may redound to His honour."
There absolutely is a time and place for open and free proclamation of religion-- when we are SPEAKING ABOUT CHRIST, and not our own opinions or feelings of Him, but our KNOWLEDGE of Him through SCRIPTURE.
Yes, there is always a good and vital place for personal testimony, and such MUST be given when the chance arrives. But as for lifting up one's voice in public? As for spontaneous exclamation? That should NEVER be about "I, me, or my." It should ONLY BE ABOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF CHRIST given to us in TRUTH in Scripture. Everything else is fallible and prone to confusion, even our own best intentions. But the Word of God is unerring, and every Word is for our salvation! Such Divine Truth DESERVES to be shouted in the streets.


102123

Oct. 21st, 2023 11:09 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
Woke up at 7
Prayers immediately.
Still so depressed & paranoid & miserable over last nights stupidity. Cannot rest with that looming sin of scandal.

Rosary
Jade shower

18 HOUR FAST, GOOD JOB

Mom church talk UNBEARABLE GUILT
"Endless weeping on the inside"
Despair creeping. Begging in prayer for forgiveness, for stronger faith
BRIEF EUCHARISTIC ECSTASY

Mom seller wait talk

Evening =
It is October 21st dude I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO HAVE THE AC ON HIGH.
I'm getting SEVERE panic attacks from the heat, the wind, and the twilight. Everything feels like imminent violent death.

...Laurie was talking to me, briefly, in the car. She's worried about the future of the System, and of the Core, since we aren't taking time to just BE anymore. We don't meditate or reflect. We don't "go inside". We don't even talk. If the "reality" we experience is affected by where we invest our attention-- I think of "feeding the two wolves," and of Philippians 4:4‐9-- then if we don't focus on our soul, on each other, the Spectrum will die.
...She said the warning signs are already evident, with how everyone is "blurring" into the Social automation, because the ONLY focus is on "the daily grind" and "the public performance" and the actual soul & self are being neglected. Therefore that skewed and fatal misfocus is bleeding into everyone inside. It's subtly reprogramming everything into itself, like a virus.
We need to fight it, but we only CAN by BEING WITH EACH OTHER. Like today's VOTD said, we NEED EACH OTHER. We were MADE FOR EACH OTHER, quite literally so, by GOD'S DOING. We KNOW that our spirit rots in separation, when we are forced to facade as a singlet. It's a lie, an abject lie. We are BLESSEDLY MULTIPLE and WE NEED TO START LIVING IT, OR WE WILL DIE.

We must start small. With our hyperbooked religious schedule, we need to take time to rest and apply and LIVE that religion WITHOUT abandoning the prayer & education.
Praying together MUST continue; I know the impatient and intolerant apatefoni have been trying to shut that down lately.
Nightly journals MUST return.
Nightly "couch talks" on super stressful says are ESSENTIAL. Honestly I think that's the closest we GET to each other anymore.
...


Eating the last carrot piece, prayed to truly appreciate it as God's creation.
TASTED THE "ORANGE" AS A COLOR??? Expansive mental perception feeling. Its NOT the superbright "fruit orange" we kept assuming. Its LYNNE'S hue. She caught it instantly and was almost moved to tears.
Its like how you can taste Red in blood, strawberries, tomatoes, etc. It has its own flavor. We tasted the Orange that way. It's in carrots, yams, squash, pumpkin. Its earthy but bright and there's a grounded glow to it? Bright but not like Yellow. Hard to phrase but we caught it in vibe!


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VOTD tied into last night.
MORE point blank convictions, painfully relevant. I need to SERIOUSLY type about these, like entry-grade typing. Make time.
Actually? PRAY FOR TIME. By ourselves we haven't been able to get a minute free. God can, and will, give you hours if you need them to glorify Him & supplement your salvation. So PRAY and SURRENDER, you nervous wreck of a control freak.
And stop being so cruel to yourself. That hurts God's Heart, too. Even towards yourself, it's still cruelty. You can insist its "tough love" and "needed correction" all you want, bit there's NO love in those words and they're weapons to wound, not surgery to correct.
Confess that. Pray for a greater ability to love, and a greater capacity to receive it. God knows we need that desperately.

"Sometimes we need to ask for help, and sometimes we need to BE the help. Do you need help, or can you offer it? Could you use a hand, or do you have some time, money, advice, or expertise? [Remember,] not only do you need people, but those same people need you. You have strengths, gifts, talents, and a personality that’s unique to you and beneficial to them— and vice versa. Why bury them in the ground, in the name of autonomy, when they can benefit others?"
God KEEPS slamming this lesson into my conscience. I'm so scandalized & shocked by it that I keep insisting it can't possibly be true. What hubris, you idiot!! If GOD is telling you then YES, IT'S TRUE!!! "But how do I know it's God, and not human wisdom or devilish lies?" BECAUSE YOUR CONSCIENCE IS DISTURBED YET DRAWN TO IT. IT RECOGNIZES DIVINE CORRECTION. IF IT WAS A LIE YOU'D BE PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE AND UNRUFFLED BY IT. YOUR GUILT AND SHAME AND GENUINE DESIRE TO DO BETTER ARE RESPONDING TO THIS WAKEUP CALL JUST AS GOD INTENDED. SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ALREADY!!!!


KVOTD emphasized prayer being possible ANYWHERE-- defeating superstitious practices-- but yet NEEDING STILLNESS to be true, to be singlehearted in focus AND TO LISTEN TO GOD'S RESPONSE. Have you forgotten that prayer isn't "worshipping AT God," it's a DIALOGUE??? Or are you just THAT SCARED of conversation, because it requires "YOU"?

ttywpf = The Holy Spirit IS WITHIN ME. Trust that. Stop being crushed by your sinful unworthiness to the point of ironic resistance to transformation!!!
"What sort of Christian are you now? What sort of Christian do you WANT to be?" THE HOLY SPIRIT WILL ENABLE & ENACT THAT CHANGE IN YOU, IF YOU LET HIM!!!

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...also, for unknown reasons, autocorrect sees "doubt" as misspelled and keeps suggesting that the correction is "Christmas".
...The Holy Spirit is getting creative with His nudges, I see.

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Continuing Matthew Henry from last night.

Magdalene's love for Christ, modeled after observing Christ's Own Love towards her, was therefore=

"(2.) A condescending love; she not only bestowed her ointment upon Christ, but with her own hands poured it upon Him, which she might have ordered one of her servants to have done; nay, she did not, as usual, anoint his head with it, but his feet. True love, as it does not spare charges, so it does not spare pains, in honouring Christ. Considering what Christ has done and suffered for us, we are very ungrateful if we think any service 'too hard' to do, or 'too mean' to stoop to, whereby He may really be glorified."
This is why the devil cannot love. This is how pride kills the heart. This is also why for love, everything is pure joy.
Pride is so strange. It says, "I won't "get my elbows dirty" on their behalf, because such a disgusting state is far beneath my dignity & due respect!" Pride sticks its nose up at Charity because Charity wants to roll up her sleeves and wash the floors by hand, just so someone else is "spared the pains," and so they will have the joy of a more dignified and beautiful environment, and furthermore Charity doesn't want any credit or thanks-- she wants to remain anonymous. All she wants is for GOD to be glorified in her work, in her acts of love for the sake of Love. Pride, however, scoffs at the labor and smell and time and lack of reward, and prances off to entertain themselves with no regard for God.
I'm already babbling.
Christ "stooped" to the lowest possible place that Divinity could dwell-- mortal flesh, human nature, the very body of a species that had desecrated their bodies by sin. Yet Jesus was pure, perfect, innocent and inviolable... and He said nothing about it. He never boasted, never looked down on anyone, never claimed any special treatment.
Christ suffered hunger and thirst, exhaustion and fatigue, for us. Christ had dusty feet and calloused hands and He worked to earn an everyman's wage by hard labor and sweat. He was willing to trudge for days through crag and thorn and thunderstorm to save a single lost sheep. He was mocked, insulted, rejected, spit upon, beaten, and calumnied. He was considered a criminal, a heretic, a liar, and a devil. He was literally whipped bloody and nailed to a tree to slowly suffocate for three agonizing hours because He knew it would save us. NOTHING was "too hard" or "too mean" for Him, and why? Because love counts it all as joy, when it is endured for Love. And lest you forget... Love is Jesus. Jesus is God, and God IS Love. This is no fond human emotion. This is a divine fire, an all-consuming ardor, an altar of willing self-sacrifice to free us from death. Love is ALWAYS willing to give itself up to God as a "whole burnt offering" for the good of another-- never calculating "worthiness" or "merit," never demanding recompense or reward. All that Love wants "in return," if we may use such terms... is love. Love only desires love. BUT if love is of God, and love is for God, and love is from God... then God can ONLY love, and therefore EVERYTHING is a reason to love Him in return.
I don't know if I'm making any sense.
Jesus Christ is a new and amazing reality of charity. His very existence is a relationship, on every level. Christ deserves our love, yes, because He is God-- that is  piety, and truly a duty of all Creation-- but He also deserves love because He became man, and thus must be loved AS A MAN.
We fellow men must therefore imitate His love as men. In every way He was Divinely willing to suffer for us, we too must be willing-- in love!-- to suffer for Him, with Him. Every "menial task" and "humble service" He did for sheer love of us, we too must do in humble compassion for His sake, for our fellow man, who He unconditionally loved so much, and who we must unconditionally love as well. If we love Christ, we will naturally and necessarily love all mankind as well, for His sake as God made man, and for their sakes as man united with God in Christ.
Pride considers itself superhuman. Pride separates itself from the common folk of the world. Pride rejects the filthy body and foolish emotions. Pride is ungrateful because it feels entitled to all gifts. Pride refuses to suffer because it worships pleasure and rejects loss. Pride denies suffering because it idolizes power and control. Pride says it doesn't need God to become godlike. Pride rejects God because it has taken on that job itself. Pride sees only itself as deserving of love, if you can even call it that-- if Pride can even comprehend love at all. Pride denies Christ because Christ proves it wrong at every turn.
Christ is love. Christ is humble. Christ is gentle, good, patient, kind, and not afraid to suffer for you. Christ would drive three hours at 3am on a dime in answer to your distressed phone call. Heck, He would drive for days if He had to-- and of course He would "have to," because He would want to, because not loving you would be true suffering, unbearable in its lovelessness. But to endure fatigue, pain, expense, effort, inconvenience, exhaustion, and all other things? To be laughed at, scorned, fought against, betrayed, disowned? He would face it all without flinching-- without even considering the cost. All that matters to Him is love-- loving you, loving His Father by loving you, and touching your heart so profoundly by His love that you, too, would love Him, and in doing so glorify Him as God and as Love.
It's relationship. It's all about relationship. Between God and Man, manifested and personified IN and  AS Jesus Christ, ALL love is relationship, ALL love is sacrificial, ALL love is humble and generous and true and UNITIVE. All love brings us closer to God and to each other. All love connects us. The Trinity is Love. It's inevitable.
That's it. I'm exhausted. I hope this honored Him somehow. I pour myself out to empty like this because I do love Him too, however clumsily and stupidly I may scrabble in my efforts. But despite my weakness there is a spark spluttering yet sincere and shining as hard as it meagerly can for His sake alone. If all I can do is illuminate one inch of His pierced Feet then so be it. Glorify that. There is Love, in every last atom of Him. May He be loved forever by every last atom of me.


"(3.) A believing love; there was faith working by this love, faith in Jesus as the Messiah, the Christ, the Anointed, Who, being both priest and king, was anointed as Aaron and David were. Note: God's Anointed should be our Anointed. Has God poured on Him the oil of gladness above His fellows? Let us pour on Him the ointment of our best affections above all competitors. By consenting to Christ as our King, we must comply with God's designs, appointing Him our Head  whom God has appointed."
Her actions of love had her faith IN them, giving tangible proof of what she believed OF Him. That's such an interesting and edifying realization. Because she believed in Him as Messiah, as the Anointed One, she treated Him as such-- but not out of mere duty! After all, unsurprisingly, to BE the Messiah-- the Savior-- was to be in intrinsic relationship with those He was anointed for, TO save them. And, like David of old, that divine anointing was not mere duty either. It was an entering into a new and devoted relationship with God and His People, to be their Shepherd, to make God's Love known to them in a human way. Jesus was the perfection, fulfillment, and manifestation of that in His Incarnation AS God and Man. That is how HIS Love was "believing"-- everything He did from that love was essentially born from His unshakable, inherent faith not only in God as His Father, but in Himself as His Son, Who had been anointed by the Holy Spirit as the Savior and King of All People. All His actions were colored by this Truth, this Faithfulness of the Son Himself Who Is Truth. He could not deny Himself.
Oh Lord I hope my language is true of You, don't ever let me say anything untrue or heretical by accident or ignorance.
As for us men, do we acknowledge His anointing from on high in how we treat Him? Do we openly laud Him as our Savior, or are we afraid to admit our helplessness, our weakness, our dependence on Him, our need TO be saved? Do we still try to achieve salvation by our own power, asserting our own pretended ability to right all our wrongs, as if His Messiahship is unnecessary or superfluous? Do we treat His Priesthood as outdated by rejecting the very concept of sacrifice, let alone the need? Do we claim we need no Mediator between ourselves and God, that we are fully capable of free communication with Divinity, even capable of our own divinization? Do we worship Him as King, or do we sit on our own thrones? Do we paste His Name on the idols of reputation, wealth, success, honor, even entertainment? Do we obey His Law of Love and Life? Do we accept and enact His Rule in our public and private spheres? Do we go to war against the infernal foe to defend His glory and crown? Do we pay Him the tributes He justly demands & deserves? Are we willing to break our hearts open and pour ourselves out on His very Feet for love of Him, our Savior and King and God and Beloved?
Are our actions in line with our faith? How much faith do we have to work with? We know how much He is owed. We have seen countless proofs and have heard countless reasons. Have we committed? Are we putting them into action? Do we love Him enough to believe? Do we believe in Him enough to love Him?


"Here is charity to the poor made a cover for opposing a piece of piety to Christ, and secretly made a cloak for covetousness... we must not conclude that those do no acceptable piece of service who do not do it in our way, and just as we would have them do; as if everything must be adjudged imprudent and unfit which does not take its measures from us and our sentiments! Proud men think all ill-advised who do not advise with them."
I include this only because it further highlights the danger of self-idolizing religious hypocrisy. Yes, there IS a Law of God that ALL men must follow, and which no man has any right or reason to contest. BUT we must meet that duty with reverent humility & meek obedience. The instant we start thinking WE have the authority to tell others how to meet that same law-- then we are acting on pride, and we have stopped serving God.
Discernment is, as always, key. I am not giving any license to the cancer of moral relativism.
A true worshipper, someone who truly obeys the Law of Christ, the Law of Love, will never insist on personal preference as to the manner in which charity is expressed, because they rejoice in the virtuous act of charity itself, for God's glory and honor. And THAT is the key!! Regardless of particulars, IS God being honored & glorified AS HE TOLD US TO? Or are we using our Christian "freedom from literalism" as license for irreverence, laziness, or-- even worse-- elitism? "The way I'M worshipping is the HOLIEST way, and everyone else is being lax!"
I'm guilty of this, terribly. Scrupulosity fear can all too easily become a doorway for spiritual pride.
...

"Judas had no compassion towards the poor, no concern for them [as people]: what were the poor to him, any further than he might serve his own ends by being overseer of the poor? Thus some warmly contend for the power of the church, as others for its purity, when perhaps it may be said, Not that they care for the church; it is all one to them whether its true interest sink or swim, but under the pretence of this they are advancing themselves."
Again, pasting this because it's DIRECTLY relevant to last night's movie and helps me understand it.
Corrupt motives can corrupt ANYTHING and that is frightening. We can even do "good works" with apparently good ends-- like feeding the poor-- BUT with a selfish heart, whose only REAL goal is to gain power of position, or pride of reputation, THROUGH their action towards the poor. They are corrupting kindness by USING the poor AS A MEANS TO AN END, EVEN IN GIVING AID. But it is superficial aid. There is no real virtue in it. They have no love for the poor as persons, as individuals, as human beings. They're just a convenient canvas for "virtue signaling" or even the thrill of perceived "control," if they feel such lives are now dependent on their choices. To become their overseer, their "official" figurehead for survival, the one they look to as their hope and sustainer... such an overseer, if he keeps God out of the picture, will take God's place. And THAT is EVIL. It's too sickening to think about more.
The point is: this idolatrous mindset can infest ANY good works or interests. The example given about the Church made me dizzy. People DO THAT???
But... I can sadly see it as possible, somehow. Whenever "personal profit" becomes the driving force, in any sense or sphere, it corrupts. If someone sees that they can advance their own agenda by promoting the "purity" of the Church-- perhaps under such a pretense, subtly promoting prejudices against race, class, ability, or even background-- then such an "interest in the Church" is demonic. It is USING religion to OPPOSE CHRIST, the ultimate example of meek humility, selfless service, and unconditional Love.
That's always the bottom line, the key criterion, of the true morality of an interest in or support of any cause: is my action and involvement here serving Christ's cause, or my own? Am I seeking God's Glory alone, or do I want it for myself? Am I loving my neighbor as I love myself in this effort? Where is my love? Am I being a sheep or a goat?
Be careful. Pray always.
To further quote Mr. Henry=
"[Under righteous pretense,] the piety of some has been made to serve the policy of others; and darkly designing men have strengthened themselves by cleverly drawing good men into their interests... [but a truly] upright heart approves itself to God, and seeks no more than His acceptance; if it aims at the applause of men, [its entire enterprise is] upon a false foundation... This is a question we should often put to ourselves. I make a fair profession, have gained a reputation among men, but, is my heart right? Am I sincere with God?"


"[Judas may have had the care of the moneybag as a] judgment upon him, to punish him for his secret wickedness; that was put into his hands which would be a snare and trap to him. Note: Strong inclinations to sin within are often justly punished with strong temptations to sin without. We have little reason to be fond of the 'moneybag', or proud of it, for at the best we are but stewards of it... [and Scripture warns:] the prosperity of fools destroys them."
We have to be very careful with this language but it makes sense, and we have lived it.
A "strong inclination to sin" is like an evil magnet. It effectively ATTRACTS temptations-- at its worst, it may even CREATE them. God is NOT the tempter!! "See, the wicked one is pregnant with evil, conceives trouble, and gives birth to deceit." Sin is a virus, a parasite, a cancer, and it PERPETUATES ITSELF with malignant ferocity.
Honestly, whether we realize it at the time or not-- and we probably won't-- being that ruled by sinful desires IS ITS OWN PUNISHMENT. The "temptations without" are just tumorous outgrowth.
...


"The reigning love of money is heart-theft as much as anger and revenge are heart-murder... the guilt of theft and the portion of thieves [is] no jesting matter. Judas, who had betrayed his trust, soon after betrayed his Master."
Those terms are terrifying.
They also apply in both directions.
Anger & vengeance are also theft, as they steal away life and peace, depriving all involved of justice.
Avarice is also murder, as it kills all love and tenderness in your soul, and bleeds its victims dry.
...


102023

Oct. 20th, 2023 11:02 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)


Terrible nightmares all night.
Eating disorder, family trouble, massive loss, mortal peril, etc.
Prayed for interpretation, so we wouldn't get despondent.
Told that dreams Emphasized that our family is NOT TRYING TO HURT US. Rather, they are ACTIVELY HELPING US however they can. But WE are responding in selfish ignorance & anger. We are BLINDED BY OUR EGOTISM.
Our "dreamself" when female is DISTURBINGLY SELF-OBSESSED. She cannot feel empathy and is bent on just making herself happy??? Heavy conviction. If THAT is our subconscious we NEED TO SOMEHOW CHANGE IT-- or rather, GOD NEEDS TO CHANGE IT, because we're RUNNING ON that corrupted base. Much Grace will be necessary.

Morning mass returns!
Funeral flowers everywhere. Smelled like Easter.

Home for 9, immediately began prayer
Jade called about shower
Dilemma. Felt we COULDN'T SAY NO and HAD TO CANCEL APPOINTMENTS AGAIN. almost in tears from frustrated confusion. BUT bravely said tomorrow would work.
Immediately after hanging up, CRIED BITTERLY over this stupid whining resistance of ours.
Punched leg to stop crying, BUT SUDDENLY REALIZED WHY THAT "WORKS"-- it ACTIVATES SELF-HATRED & THUS DISABLES EMOTION. It turns on rage & turns off sorrow. IT SHUTS OFF THE HEART. We realized this instantly thank God and apologized TO Him for it, now that we understood what we had actually done.
Prayed Sorrowful Mysteries, difficult to let go of the "wrong sorrow" of self-loathing for sinful stupidity though. Agony intention for "true repentance" inspired us to turn our focus to God, not our own idiocy. Said we WERE sorry, BUT ALSO prayed that God USE EVEN THAT "FALL" FOR OUR GOOD. Realized then that it had 1. CONFIRMED OUR NIGHTMARE by showing us that we WERE still instinctively selfish & rude to family, 2. showed us how our problem with "saying no" MAKES us passive-aggressive and dishonest about our actual needs, 3. gave us the opportunity to ACTUALLY REFUSE TO CHICKEN OUT OF EITHER RESPONSIBILITY, by finding a proper compromise, and 4. helped us be more honest in communicating with Jade as we ADMITTED our struggle TO them, in contrite apology & reassurance that THEY were innocent, WE were causing our own problem.
God will ALWAYS transmute your weaknesses into His Strength WHEN YOU GIVE THEM TO HIM. He loves to bring Light into dark places, to bring Truth into places of ignorance and confusion. So TRUST HIM TO DO THAT, YES FOR YOU, AND NEVER DESPAIR.

BK prep prayers. Still struggling with attention. Saying the prayers aloud with them helps.

BK for 1140!!
Hoping this WORKS for a new schedule. We want to be done earlier in the day so we can ACTUALLY DO OUR DAILY RESPONSIBILITIES before crashing into exhausted sleep.
NOT ONLY THAT, but this WITH Jade coming over early tomorrow ALSO forces us to practice getting up early EVERY DAY, thus preventing "no schedule paralysis" on Saturday mornings, because what we WANT to do is get up for Mass anyway, and run to Church anyway, to do a solid hour of Adoration. I think Jesus would really love that. We NEED to start thinking of our time with Him IN a relationship context, because HE IS LITERALLY THERE after all. We're still grappling with the concept of Presence because WE'RE not used to being present-- we are still so depersonalized. But Christ will help us. We just have to meet with Him and talk to Him, not just "pray AT Him." We must learn from the Saints.
Also, even if the church is locked on Saturday morning, we can still go to visit Mary in the garden grotto or the one down the street. Either way, we can still start our day with a good run and a good devotion. That is invariably necessary for our daily function, both spiritually and physically, and now we can include Saturday in that set schedule too!
I wonder if we can do SUNDAY? Like, if we got up early and ran BEFORE leaving for SHJ Mass? OH DUDE, OR IF WE WENT TO MASS EARLY AND RAN UP TO THE CEMETERY. Oh man now THAT'S an idea. We shall work on this!!
In any case, its beautiful proof of the fortune we keep on our altar. "Devotion will make you feel more complete." Of course it does-- it brings us closer to God, Who IS our everything, but Who can only BE our everything when we offer our empty spaces to Him to fill with Himself. "Our hearts are restless until they rest in You," applies here too. We are made FOR God, in ALL contexts and circumstances. When we start actively inviting Him in, including Him readily, and living with Him the way spouses live together... that's the heaven on earth He wants for us.
We're finally starting to grasp the joy of that purpose, and we're beginning to genuinely want and seek it, too, without terror of intimacy trauma. God can make us a mystic yet!!

Readings inspired us to read some of Malachi today.
The first page HURTS.


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VOTD= Matthew 7:7, a classic.
New perspective given on the GREEK = to "seek" is to "crave or demand something from someone"! "Jesus is telling us to seek HIM for an answer, because when we do, we WILL find it-- because the answer is FOUND IN HIM."
Telling us to "seek" is basically telling us to CRAVE JESUS AS OUR ANSWER, to seek HIM as our ultimate goal and response no matter what the details are. Using the word "demand" is shockingly bold, but maybe it's just that pertinent? Does God WANT us to "demand" HIM? Does He actually want us to want Him SO MUCH that we would DEMAND that HE be given to us AS our answer to prayer, rather than anything else-- to demand Him because we cannot bear the thought of NOT having Him?
"Knock" reminds us that when we go to God in prayer-- to His Door-- we must have the EXPECTATION THAT HE WILL ANSWER. We don't knock on doors expecting them to stay closed! There is ALWAYS AN INHERENT HOPE, if not an outright confidence, and BOTH are BASED ON TRUST!!!
"GOD SAYS-- and His Word never returns to Him void-- that He WILL answer you according to His faithful love and mercy."
I cannot find such a verse offhand-- the closest thing is Philippians 4:19-- but I DID find THIS page:
https://www.openbible.info/topics/god_answering_prayers
So refer to that, because He DOES promise to answer our prayers, if we ask in FAITH, and according to His Will-- which, we well know now, is our SALVATION.

Guided prayers included our "prayer for knowing God"-- EXACTLY what we were discussing earlier-- and our "prayer for grace & truth," about trusting IN GOD'S FORGIVENESS as both permission & commandment to forgive ourself. It also emphasized the "slave of sin set free to become a child of God" core concept, and how that ties directly into God's adoptive Fatherhood of us, by which He willingly makes us worthy of His Promises.
These Truths get deeper & lovelier & more amazing the more you read & revisit & pray them, in tandem with Scripture study. Keep it up, in love & by grace.

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Finally back to commentary, still just starting Matthew Henry (verse 3).

"Lazarus was one of those that sat [at the table with Jesus]. It proved the truth of his resurrection, as it did of Christ's, that there were those who did eat and drink with Him. Lazarus did not retire into a wilderness after his resurrection, as if, when he had made a visit to the other world, he must ever after be a hermit in this; no, he conversed familiarly with people, as others did. He sat at meat, as a monument of the miracle Christ had wrought. Those whom Christ has raised up to a spiritual life are made to sit together with Him."
Okay, first, that staggering observance that BOTH resurrections were "proven true by eating." It sounds scandalously carnal, until you remember all the heavenly metaphors of banquets, AND remember EDEN BEFORE THE FALL. There is something about food and eating that ANTEDATES SIN, and which was DIRECTLY & INITIALLY WILLED BY GOD AS "GOOD." So all my fear & disgust & abhorrence of food & eating is unnatural and distorted and not the truth and THANK GOD!!!!!
The biggest proof of food as holy = THE EUCHARIST.
...
Second, although BOTH Jesus and Lazarus died & "saw what is beyond," they DIDN'T REJECT THE WORLD OR ITS PEOPLE. I emphasize this because I used to hold that mindset and so many "gnostics" and "truthseekers" still do. It's a form of spiritual pride, again-- obvious because it is ironically self-seeking, looking down on "the ignorant rabble," seeing oneself as "wiser" or "chosen" or "too pure to be tainted by this lower world," etc. Any "spiritual knowledge" that takes you away from common humanity & thus stops up all self-sacrificial love for its most downtrodden members is NOT knowledge either from or about the Truth-- or of God Who IS Truth, and Who BECAME MAN out of pure & humble love, to save and enlighten all men, especially the most lost & despised, no matter how "ignorant" or "unworthy" the "spiritual elites" considered such persons to be.
Third, however, is that although Lazarus indeed "went back to living among men," he WAS changed; he couldn't never truly "go back" to who he was before, and that was the point-- like a seed that becomes a sprout, his death did not erase him from the land, it only hid him for a time, before he "returned" TO that very same land in order to BENEFIT IT with the Life he gained THROUGH his death. Of course, Jesus is THE "archetype" of this; if Lazarus did so, it was only in "imitation" of the One Who Is Life, Who personified its very Laws, and Whose Example ALL the resurrected would therefore naturally follow. 
Lazarus was back along the living AS the living, but of a higher sort, as a testimony to its hope and reality-- AND necessarily to the One Who Is Life that CALLED him TO such a life. Lazarus would have stayed dead if not for Jesus. Lazarus's very presence was indeed a monument to Jesus's power and mission and Divinity.
...
And so we come to the question. ALL Christians, by the fact and mechanics of salvation, have also been called by Christ out of the tomb into new life. So where are WE standing as monuments to Him AS our Life? ARE we doing so? Or have we hidden ourselves away, afraid or abhorrent to return to daily life, now that we have "seen something beyond" it? Are we so blind to God that we fail to see the shining hope of resurrection IN that mundane world we are shunning? We should be ebullient with joy, proclaiming that hope to everyone we meet, shining with its evidence, with faith in Christ and love for God and His creation-- because yes, ALL OF IT is included in the work of redemption! ALL of it is "reconciled to God in Christ!" So are we in the world now as His emissaries, as His living miracles?
And lest I forget... are we eating with our fellow man? Because we ARE still men, we aren't "taken out of" our earthly family just because of our brief visit beyond. No, now we are to bring that TO them, and help bring them to IT. And we are to eat with them because "a feast is for friendship and fellowship." Food is what the earth springs up with in boundless generosity, food is how a mother loves her child, food is how the Savior of the Universe dwells within us close as blood. Food is life giving itself to life, so life can continue. Food is God's gift, God's promise, God's glimpse of heavenly joys. To eat with you is to identify myself with you. To eat with you is to share life with you. To eat is to perpetuate and share and honor life. If you want to prove that you really are back from the dead, you'd better be able to eat. Are you sharing your resurrection meal with your fellow man? Christ is.

Exhaustion already. No kidding. It's unfinished; I'll continue later. On to the next.


"She had a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, which probably she had by her for her own use; but the death and resurrection of her brother had quite weaned her from the use of all such things, and with this she anointed the feet of Jesus, and, as a further token of her reverence for him and negligence of herself, she wiped them with her hair."
The keen awareness of death, by itself, is not enough to wean us from earthly things-- some, indeed, become more covetous as they see the Reaper approaching. But when one has an awareness of life after death, of death that leads to further life-- THAT is what makes poverty a joy, that strips all worldly pleasures of their glamour, and that sets one's desires firmly on heavenly things alone. You NEED FAITH to be freed of greed, because faith reveals that God is all goodness and joy in endless abundance and He Himself meets every need WITH Himself-- and He IS Life and Love and all other virtues in their purest essence and perfection.
An unbelieving heart, in contrast, hoards the world to itself because it is hollow without God and sees nothing after death but darkness-- therefore it madly clings to everything here that glitters, even if it rots, even though it never satisfies.
Those who have faith in life after death-- in the life that is of God and from God-- also lose all obsession with self, for to be with God is to be in complete relationship, in humble blissful service, in loving unity. Love finds its truest fulfillment in giving of itself to the beloved. Thus, even on earth, one who lives in love for God will gladly and joyfully give themselves away for God, to His people and His Church. To focus on oneself instead of God, to serve ego instead of Creator, to revere one's own thoughts and feelings instead of submitting to the commandments of God-- this is the worst possible idolatry.
Death is a check against such wrongful worship. Death reminds us that we are but dust & ashes, just dirt & water, and one day-- no matter how "enlightened" or "intelligent" or famous or filthy rich we are-- we're all going back into the ground soon enough, and nothing we owned or earned is coming with us. The single thing that accompanies us in the coffin is our faith, or lack thereof-- our Blood-sealed pledge of life to come, or our doomed dismissal of it. We cannot resurrect ourselves. We cannot unlock the gates to heaven. We cannot expiate our own sins. We cannot pay our own moral debts. We cannot claim any hope for life after death on our own. EVERYTHING COMES FROM CHRIST JESUS, and once we die, it's too late to turn back and change our minds to save our souls. We have to accept His gift of grace NOW, while it can still get into and sanctify these bodies that WILL be resurrected at His Return-- because without that seed of His faith within it, that pledge of eternal life, our bones will not bloom anew on that last day.
In that final hour, it will not matter what your hair looked like, or how much money you had, or how precious the perfume you had saved up was. All that will matter is, did you love God with them? Or yourself?


"Doubtless she intended this [anointing] as a token of her love to Christ, Who had given real tokens of His love to her and her family; and thus she studies what she shall render."
This is followed by many examples, which i will probably include here as well-- but even before I read them, I want to focus on this as a rule by itself.
We must return love for Love. This is the heart of the Christian religion, so pure & simple a child could do it-- and perhaps only a child truly can. "He Who loves Me will keep My commandments," and what are they? To love. But to love Christ at ALL is to love GOD, and God deserves ALL our love-- no exceptions, no hesitation, no half-heartedness-- And love is not a feeling-- it is a state of Being. Love, by definition, IS self-sacrificial. It is to seek the highest good of another, and to give freely of yourself for that very benefit. God IS Love, and He is CONSTANTLY giving of Himself within the Trinity, and to His Creation, for our salvation, and to bring us into eternal union with Him by means of such.
Another look at that truth = "He Who says he loves Me, must act in ways that prove his love for Me." He Who loves me, follows my commandments... and He Who follows me, must pick up His Cross and lay down his life for My sake." The commandment IS Eternal Life. Eternal Life IS through the Cross. The Cross IS Love. And ALL of that is only possible IN CHRIST.
So how else do we learn how to love, but from Love Himself?
Everything Jesus says and does is a lesson to us, a Master class in the highest Truth, which is simply how to return love for Love. Study Him with your heart, and learn from His.

Now for the actual given examples =
"Now by this [studying] her love to Christ appears to have been:
(1.) generous love; so far from sparing necessary charges in His service, she is as ingenious to create an occasion of expense in religion as most are to avoid it. If she had any thing more valuable than another, that [very thing] must be brought out for the honour of Christ. Note: Those who love Christ truly love Him so much better than this world as to be willing to lay out the best they have for Him."

Oh my goodness this is beautiful.
Remember = we are talking LOVE FOR CHRIST, for GOD, in this. E alone is worthy of our highest love. Everything else, all lesser loves, come from this, and can only exist through this.
First: a Generous love does not count costs, in that it does not determine "whether it can afford" giving-- but it also doesn't "cut losses", because nothing it gives is seen as a loss, and it freely gives more than is asked or expected, just because it loves.
Mary didn't "save her best ointment" for some unspecified "greater occasion"-- love does not make such foolish appraisals. Love recognizes that Christ IS the greatest possible occasion, right here and now, in the preciousness of His Presence, and love takes its very best treasures and freely lays all out before Him. It doesn't seek thanks, or even recognition; God deserves ALL this and more-- but the very joy, the very privilege, of being able to give to Christ as Christ gives to me, is bliss enough to motivate the most extravagant largesse. Just being able TO honor Him is such a fervent impetus, it is no wonder why the martyrs would yearn for their crowns-- they must give their uttermost for Him, for His glory, for His love! To hold anything back, to hesitate in any giving, once we recognize Him as not only God but God AS Savior AND Beloved... the heart would die of aching. To love God IS OUR PURPOSE; to abandon that once it is found would be suicide. But that's not all-- we can only recognize Christ as God and Beloved because He loves us as HIS beloved!! We, the Church, ARE HIS BRIDE. How could you possibly withhold a single atom from Him then? There is no higher or purer Love for you then Him. Reciprocation is what we were made for. Thus must our whole life be consumed in being. Love MUST give its best, its all, because God IS Love, and HE DOES SO ALWAYS... and if, out of selfishness or fear, we won't let Love work likewise in us, then it won't be love that we're feeling, no matter how we try to pass our words and actions off as such. The core will be missing.
"Sparing necessary charges" hurts. The very vocabulary sounds like business talk-- as if love were "checking boxes," or "following the script." To "spare," as if it were burdensome. To be "necessary," as if other things were not. To have "charges," as if it were a job, a chore, a compelled duty... as if we were speaking of credit cards and debt! Yet this mindset is what I do, when I look at my schedule and calculate how much prayer I can "reasonably" fit in, because i MUST pray... and even though now, by grace, I am entirely willing TO pray, I am not willing enough. It is still tainted by feelings of obligation, of cost, of effort. It isn't yet an act of pure freewill. I still gripe when my exhaustion & overextension collides with the mere possibility of more spontaneous and unscheduled prayer when I could instead finally sit down to rest. In this regard, I shamefully lack love, because love would EMBRACE such surprise opportunities to pray some more, sacrificing physical comfort & consolation in order to give those very things as a spiritual gift to God, Who in the human Heart of the Son, mourns the cold & distant lack of reciprocated love in His people. If my love were more of a fire, more sincere & ardent & real, it would make excuses on His behalf to forfeit self-interest for the sake of worship. It would create expenses just to have an excuse TO give Him more. And honestly I WANT to, despite my stubborn fearful tired reticence. So I must start small and stoke the fire. I am too feeble to blaze up all at once. But I can still add a little more kindling whenever I find some, to give my Lord a little more warmth and light. It's the least I can do, after all, in gratitude for His lighting this flame the first place.
But love isn't compulsion. It's not a "settling of accounts." It's an outpouring, an illumination, a breaking of the alabaster jar. "We love because He FIRST loved us." And His Love was made manifest on the Cross. He broke Himself open and poured out everything He was for our sakes, asking nothing in return but love for love.
That's why Mary's love was Generous. There was a fire in her that Christ had sparked by the undying Sun of His Own Life, in how He did everything He could for her salvation, and that far more than she ever expected or dreamed or dared to imagine. She knew He couldn't give anything less. She knew He would never shrink from unexpected need, or sigh at an extra request, or complain that He needed rest or food or "me time." No, all of that was contrary to love, and so it was impossible for Him. Mary knew that Jesus thirsted for love, even as He WAS love-- thirsted to give it as bounteously as possible, to empty Himself out at every opportunity, to unfailingly personify in absolute selfless compassion the very Heart of God. Jesus was merciful, gentle, patient, helpful, wise, righteous, comforting, encouraging, loving above all. He yearned to serve, to soothe, and to save others. His entire existence was a beautiful fragrance, blessing and uplifting the souls of those who only so much as glimpsed His Person, the sweetness lingering with them long after He passed from view. THAT is a Generous love. 
...I almost forgot the last bit. We must love Christ "more than this world." It's fairly straightforward, but it's an absolute. We must live Christ more than ANYTHING temporal: more than comfort, more than rest, more than free time, more than recreation, more than our dreams, more than our goals, more than our reputations, more than our finances and possessions and investments... more than our safety, more than our dignity, more than our family ties, more than our spiritual consolation. EVERYTHING must ultimately become wood on the fire of Charity, if Christ so requires. We must have only one King, only one Love, only one Hope, only one Life. Without such exclusive fidelity, we cannot be generous with all the rest. We must recognize and admit that EVERYTHING is a gift from HIS Generous Love, even our very existence, our very soul. He's not demanding it back; that wouldn't be love. But as Lord, we must confess His rightful ownership of it all, otherwise He would have no right TO give it. But He does, for He created it all. For us to give it back TO Him is not a rejection of Love, nor is it a disdain for the gifts, or a rejection of their value. To give them back to Him is to say, "You have created these treasures for me, out of pure love, and given them to me freely, abundantly, and without any merit on my part. They are a pure expression of Your immense Love for me, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. However... I have nothing of my own. By myself, I am poor and wretched. ALL my treasures, everything I value, has come to me from Your Hands. If I want to return love for love-- and I do, my beloved Lord-- then I must give You my most precious things, to honor You with their worth and with my sacrifice. Nothing less could express true love with sincerity. So I give to You the gifts You gave me, because I love You more than I love them. I now realize that even Your most excellent gifts are nothing in comparison to Yourself. I therefore return all to You, for the joy of loving only You."
And that's all I can say.

101923

Oct. 19th, 2023 09:58 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)


Woke up at 8
Took meds, tried to rest on couch but couldn't. Blanket smell flashbacks.
Suddenly inspired to watch Mass. The ONLY 830 one was from SC and apparently ONLY on Thursday.
Oh man the priest was AMAZING. Such evident zeal & charity. The homily was FERVENT and the Consecration was REVERENT. God bless that man. I truly felt involved in the Mass, it was honestly like I was physically there.
Everything was much slower paced too. Very much like how it was when I lived down South; they're much more chill than we Northerners, haha. Ironically because THEY HAD AIR CONDITIONING ON IN OCTOBER

Immediately decided to wash the new blanket so we could switch it on the couch. Then threw in delicates too. Then figured "what the heck, our pajamas are sweaty, our towels damp, our pillows musty, let's just throw EVERYTHING in."
FIVE LOADS AND FOUR HOURS LATER, haha! But it was worth it. Everything is clean now.

The whole time we were saying prayers. We also cooked during the first load so that was done before we got dizzy from fasting.
We listened to a new YT video for the Seven Sorrows Rosary, and the guys gave brief meditations but WOW DID THEY HIT HARD. For the sixth, they said that Mary wasn't just holding her dead Son, she was LOOKING INTO THE WOUND IN HIS HEART. And for the fifth, they casually reminded us that yeah, Mary was watching Jesus suffer and die on the Cross for THREE STRAIGHT HOURS. The instant that hit me, my eyes flooded with shocked tears. I felt such aching sympathy for my Sorrowful Mother. I had to stop everything for a moment and just let that reality pierce my own heart.
I do have to say= EVERY source we have found online, either in text or video, as to HOW to say the Dolors Rosary, IS DIFFERENT. And every video one is missing some prayers that vary per video. Needless to say, I WANT TO RECORD A RECITATION. I want to say it the way I say it on my own-- with all the "extra" prayers for devotion's sake, with reflections on each Sorrow, with implored virtues, and with images & music that make it keenly personal. Man I want to MAKE a YouTube channel JUST TO SAY & SHARE PRAYERS & DEVOTIONALS & CATHOLIC BOOKS. I am so tired of feeling homebound in my acts of charity, and of burying my talents due to lack of properly religious outlets. THIS MIGHT HELP BOTH. If nothing else, it is SPREADING THE FAITH in an environment where there are many unbelievers & doubters, and if God graciously wishes to use my offering of time & talent for His purposes of evangelism & conversion, then all glory be to God-- but I must do my part first!!


230 BK again. At least the body is getting used to it.
Dizziness & numbness always peaks right after we sit down though.

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VOTD = Isaiah‬ ‭54:10‬.
"The mountains may disappear, and the hills may become dust, but My faithful love will never leave you. I will make peace with you, and it will never end.” The Lord Who loves you said this."
YOU REALIZE THAT IS THE TAGLINE ON EVERY ONE OF HIS PROMISES.
Also, YES, HE PROMISED THIS TO ISRAEL.
Remember, as I said last week or so, God's Character does not change, ever. He is the God Who CAN and DOES promise things like this, and UNFAILINGLY CARRIES THEM TO COMPLETION.

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Universalis =
HUGE FOCUS TODAY ON THE NORTH AMERICAN JESUIT MARTYRS. I'd actually never known anything about them until today.
They had a legit THIRST for martyrdom that was SO PURE & DAUNTLESS it was astounding.
Also Isaac's ABSOLUTELY ARDENT LOVE & ZEAL FOR GOD, ESPECIALLY IN THE MASS.
Today's book devotionals emphasized that too.
It really hit deep. I had to literally sit with it for a minute.
...

On today's readings =
"...both Jews and gentiles have made themselves displeasing to God by failure to obey God’s law. [But] Abraham was saved by his faith as a free gift, not by any meritorious action or act of obedience. So gentiles too may be saved by simple trust in God’s WILL to save."
NEVERTHELESS, remember John 8:40! We must have the same SPIRIT as Abraham did TO have the same FAITH. It isn't that dangerous twisting of the "sola gratia" mindset which claims salvation by faith DESPITE works. No, "Abraham did not do that"! Our character must still be righteous. NEVERTHELESS, REMEMBER SAINT DISMAS. He had no good works to speak of, ONLY a history of such crimes as merited execution! BUT in his final moments, when he confessed a real faith in Christ, his character DID EVIDENTLY CHANGE. Grace had touched his heart, even as he was dying, so much as to convert him in truth. Had he been let down from the cross, he would not have gone back to a life of lawlessness; he couldn't do so now, now that he had faith-- now that he knew Christ.
So it is with us. Our character will always be the touchstone of our faith, and it NEEDS GRACE to become a suitable foundation... by COOPERATION WITH THAT GRACE. I will keep emphasizing that point because until Fr. Elston slammed me with that homily last week, I ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS AUTOMATIC. I thought that grace did all the work, and if I wasn't changing, then God hadn't given me any grace. NOT SO. God was pouring it out on me-- I just wasn't doing anything with it! I had never known that cooperation was necessary... because i never considered that I was PART of the process. I never dared to think that I had ANY volition in the matter at all. I didn't understand that God wanted a relationship with me in ALL aspects of my faith. I just thought I was a slave, a hired worker, a robot, a pack animal. I never realized that grace WAS a gift, but one so big and wonderful that it had to be shared... a gift so useful & intricate it had to be "assembled with others"... a gift that, from the very beginning, was entirely meant to be rejoiced in TOGETHER.
Rambling. Gotta stop.
In short: Abraham's works did not save him, but they were the natural expressions of a faith that DID, with both faith & works springing from a humble & gracious character that was entirely devoted to serving God & others. Faith CANNOT survive in a selfish soul.
However, faith is a gift too. It is a grace. ALL righteousness in us is a grace. However much good we do, it is from God, and left alone, we WILL sin. No matter how many good deeds we do, we will inevitably always sin as well. Therefore our good works CANNOT save us, as they have no merit from ourselves, only from God, and we cannot do good alone. Still they ARE necessary once we DO have grace TO do them. We were created FOR God's GOOD Purpose after all, even though we mess up. That's what the Law taught us: that we are MEANT for good but we WILL FALL SHORT. We cannot keep it perfectly as God's Perfection rightly demands, because we are fallen. We know what evil is firsthand. We are tainted by it, cursed of our own doing. We cannot do anything pure. We cannot clear our own criminal record. We cannot earn salvation. It's priceless. It's not SUPPOSED to be earned. It's GRACE. It's MERCY. By its very nature it is undeserved. THAT'S THE POINT.
In the end, though, God WANTS to save us. He WILL give us plenty of grace, and good works to do, and capacity for faith. We just need to use our free will to OPEN our hearts to RECEIVE it, WILLINGLY, and RESPOND to His gifts in COOPERATION with Him.
I can't say any more. I'm burnt out. Words fail where intuition sings. I do such a poor job of expressing my faith. God forgive me.

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Book devotionals ALL HIT HARD TODAY

Kids= "Some people commit their lives to prayer and worship. They pray like they are preparing for battle. The world needs lots of prayer warriors."
IS THAT US??? Can we actually consider ourselves a warrior in prayer, with how much we do pray now?
God please, I hope so. As selfish as it sounds, that's what we want. We WANT to serve God's holy Purposes just that ardently and absolutely, just like preparing for battle... because, honestly, we ARE. 
...

ttywpf = GOD CAN & DOES SPEAK TO YOU IN MANY WAYS. DON'T EXCLUDE ANYTHING.
"Listen to your daily reality"
God "knocks on your door" THROUGH PEOPLE, EVENTS, & PLACES. You NEED to be LISTENING and PAYING ATTENTION.
"What is God TRYING to tell YOU this week?"

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Starting Matthew Henry's commentary today.

"Let us see what honours were heaped on the head of the Lord Jesus, even in the depths of His humiliation. I. Mary did Him honour, by anointing his feet at the supper in Bethany; II. The common people did Him honour, with their acclamations of joy, when He rode in triumph into Jerusalem; III. The Greeks did Him honour, by enquiring after Him with a longing desire to see Him; IV. God the Father did him honour, by a voice from heaven, bearing testimony to Him; V. He had honour done him by the Old Testament prophets, who foretold the infidelity of those that heard the report of Him; VI. He had honour done him by some of the chief rulers, whose consciences witnessed for Him, though they had not courage to own it; VII. He claimed honour to Himself, by asserting His divine mission, and the account He gave of His errand into the world."
I paste this list because Christ is still humiliated in our increasingly Godless culture by those who still seek to kill Him, and so we Christians must increasingly in turn heap honors on Him in every way we can, in whatever state of life we are uniquely in, for He is Lord of All. These are enlightening examples when we are at a loss with our own feeble means.
1. Christ is honored at home, at dinner even, when we wait on others with charity, and provide lovingly for their basic needs.
2. Christ is honored whenever we "pour out" our reserves for His sake & purposes, whenever we "break our alabaster box" of worldly treasure to comfort Him with it instead of ourselves.
3. Christ is honored whenever we rejoice in our faith.
4. Christ is honored whenever we readily welcome Him as King into our lives, especially in unexpected ways.
5. Christ is honored whenever we sincerely long for Him and diligently search for Him.
6. Christ is honored whenever we turn from selfish ways or pursuits to seek His Face instead-- when we seek His glory and not our own pride.
7. Christ is honored when we listen to & obey God speaking to us in Scripture and in the Magisterium.
8. Christ is honored when we give our testimony to His saving work in our lives.
9. Christ is honored when we speak out in 'prophetic' warning against the evils of our modern world.
10. Christ is honored when we admonish sinners in charity to turn them back to God.
11. Christ is honored when we proclaim His Truth in holy opposition to the lies of the modern world.
12. Christ is honored when we faithfully listen to our conscience.
13. Christ is honored when we bravely stand up for Him when others reject & insult Him.
14. Christ is honored when we do not hide or deny our faith, even if it puts us at risk of loss or harm.
15. Christ is honored when we assert His Divinity as the Son of God.
16. Christ is honored when we proclaim His divine mission of salvation to the world, and in charity, guide others to truly believe in Him, so they too can have eternal life in Him.
17. Christ is honored when we pray to Him, especially for mercy on behalf of others.
18. Christ is honored when we forgive those who have hurt or offended us, especially unjustly.
19. Christ is honored when we choose to pick up our Cross and follow Him to Calvary.
20. Christ is honored when we choose to help others carry theirs.


"Devout men set time apart before [the Passover], to prepare themselves for that solemnity, and thus it became our Lord Jesus to fulfil all righteousness. Thus He has set us an example of solemn self-sequestration, before the solemnities of the Gospel passover; let us hear the voice crying, Prepare ye the way of the Lord."
To "sequester" is effectively to "isolate" or even "quarantine"-- it is to "separate oneself from" the world. We NEED to do this TO PREPARE TO MEET GOD-- and yes, EVEN AT DAILY MASS. Routine attendance does not exempt you from still striving for sacred readiness. Every day, JESUS IS THERE. In all honesty, as a saint once said, every moment of our daily life should be in both preparation and thanksgiving for the Eucharist, no exceptions. Jesus meets us and comes to live IN us. Therefore our every heartbeat and breath must be consecrated to Him, even by Him. This is the most important thing we can do, for the Eucharist is a foretaste of Heaven itself; the better we prepare for it and live in His Presence now, the more prepared we will be to enter fully into that Reality in blessed eternity.
I also paste this because, naturally, our disposition IS to be private, and studious, and quiet. We WANT to be continually solemn, and prayerful, and devout in our anticipation of Christ. But somewhere along the line, we "learned" that "we HAVE to socialize"? And that required being loud, talkative, public, foolish, irreverent, and giddy. It makes us MISERABLE. We do not want to be like that; it's like a disease. Yet we feel obligated, compelled, forced.
We need this holy permission to abandon that soulless behavior and instead cultivate a constant joyful yet sober vigilance in awaiting and serving Christ in all things. No matter where we are eternally, our soul must constantly be "sequestered" to pray in its innermost rooms. We must always be preparing to meet our Lord.

"Our Lord Jesus was voluntary in [all] His sufferings; His life was not forced from Him, but resigned... as the strength of His persecutors could not overpower Him, so their subtlety could not surprise Him, but He died because He would."
It is important to always remember that "voluntary" means "without begrudging." Too often I see people-- myself included-- "choosing" to suffer but being miserable about it. We're "resigned" to suffering in the same way we are resigned to watching our house burn down. We completely skew the definitions and this actually does a great dishonor to Christ!
First off, something I wish I had known years ago: to "willingly" do something, you have to WANT to do it. "Consent" cannot be forced or imitated. If we're resisting the whole time, complaining or cursing or even crying, then we're not actually willing to do that thing-- even if we "chose to" or "volunteered." Our decision may have been externally compelled, but our WILL was not, even if we kept telling ourself it was. All the talk in the world won't convince a heart that feels. I've been through trauma that I kept trying to convince myself I "wanted" because I "had to". THAT'S NOT VOLUNTARY.
Before I start getting more flashbacks, let me conclude. To "volunteer" to suffer, like Christ did, you genuinely have to want to suffer, and naturally human beings don't. It's simple, God-intended life-preservation instinct. To overcome it, you must be acting from a spiritual motive, as opposed to a physical one... but there's a twist. Either your spiritual motive is of God, and oriented towards the "Law of Life," seeking eternal life through self-sacrifice for God's glory... OR it is a spirit motive from the fallen spirits, who want to DESTROY both physical and eternal life in you, by emphasizing the power of death. The key to discernment = YOU'LL FEEL THE DIFFERENCE. TRUST ME. Demons might have been angels once but there's no holiness in them, and THAT elicits an even MORE visceral fear of death in the human soul that physical destruction even can... unless you're numb through repeatedly rejecting grace, which would probably put you into that very situation.
I keep rambling. This needs to stop.
Jesus VOLUNTEERED with LOVING ENTHUSIASM because He knew His sufferings were FOR OUR GOOD.
Jesus WILLED to die EVEN THOUGH HIS HUMANITY WAS FRIGHTENED because He KNEW that death was going to SAVE ALL OF HUMANITY FROM THAT FEAR and nothing could stop His Love for us.
THAT'S the key. It's LOVE.
Look at parents, at caretakers, who daily sacrifice their lives & willingly suffer pain & loss & difficulties for the sake of relieving or sharing the suffering of a loved one. Look at frontline workers, at soldiers, at the clergy!
...

"This visit was an instance of his kindness to his friends at Bethany, whom he loved, and from whom he was shortly to be taken away. This was a farewell visit; he came to take leave of them, and to leave with them words of comfort against the day of trial that was approaching. Note, Though Christ depart for a time from his people, he will give them intimations that he departs in love, and not in anger."
This is something I want desperately to accept as true & integrate, because I struggle with it so much.
First... if Christ is "with us always," how does He "depart from us"?
My immediate thought was, "when I can't receive the Eucharist." "When I experience dryness in prayer." "When I beg for an answer or a sign and I get nothing, I hear nothing  I feel nothing." Christ never actually "left" His friends, either-- His Heart was always with them, even before His Resurrection-- but His tangible, visible Presence would be out their perception.
I think that's what this means, to me at least. Jesus, as God, IS omnipresent. That doesn't mean I can't be numb & blind to that Reality sometimes. That doesn't mean my spirit-radio will always be tuned in to that frequency-- or even able TO pick it up! Jesus's "absence" is only ever in appearance, not in Truth... but that doesn't make it any less of a departure from us, on some mortally limited human level.
However. With that in mind, consider the text.
First, Jesus never "leaves" His friends without leaving them words of comfort, to strengthen them in the trials-- in the darkness-- that will inevitably come in His "absence".
Second, Jesus never leaves His people out of anger or spite. As all His actions, even His departures are chosen in the utmost Love for us.
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is a very true phrase, when the heart in question is both in love and assured of love.
...

"Bethany is here described to be the town where Lazarus was, whom Christ raised from the dead. The miracle wrought here put a new honour upon the place, and made it remarkable. Christ came hither to observe what improvement was made of this miracle; for where Christ works wonders, and shows signal favours, He looks after them, to see whether the intention of them be answered. Where He has sown plentifully, He observes whether it comes up again."
OH WOW WHAT A GAME-CHANGING PERSPECTIVE.
It's so obviously true, yet how did we never ever think of it before? I guess we weren't ready to hear it. Thank You God for teaching us now.
But this carries MASSIVE responsibility, as true faith always does.
We were just discussing how Christ's miracles were ALL ultimately meant, by giving apparent proofs of His Divinity, to inspire people to have faith in Him as God's Son, and so to bring them to salvation & eternal life in Him. BUT that seed would take time to evidence growth after it had been sown! So He WOULD return to inspect the soil, to water it further even, and even tend it once it sprouted. I cannot imagine Him abandoning a garden-plot that had honestly yielded to the planting, so to speak.
But HAVE WE? Remember, we must COOPERATE. God is indeed the Sower, but how is our ground? Do WE welcome the initial seed, to show that we WANT it to grow, so the Gardener will recognize our soul AS a receptively fertile place, and welcome to His authoritative entry?
Here's the big question. What miracles HAS Christ worked in YOUR life? You know He has. How have you responded to that honor He gave you by them? HAVE you answered His intention? Have you "improved upon" the work of salvation begun in you? Have YOU worked to help that seed spring up again?
When people describe the "Bethany" of your life, do they have reason to call it the place "where Christ raised this one from the dead"?
...

"They made him a supper; for with them, ordinarily, supper was the best meal. This they did in token of their respect and gratitude, for a feast is made for friendship; and that they might have an opportunity of free and pleasant conversation with him, for a feast is made for fellowship. Perhaps it is in allusion to this and the like entertainments given to Christ in the days of his flesh that he promises, to such as open the door of their hearts to him, that he will sup with them, Revelation 3:20."
As someone who had a ravaging eating disorder for 20 years, I have always struggled with verses like this-- which is a serious obstacle to my faith, as food references are EVERYWHERE in the Gospel, and typically in the language OF SALVATION. So I need to heal this aspect of the disorder wounds, too-- but I cannot do it by myself, obviously. I've tried and I am literally incapable. I need the light of grace. I need Jesus's actual help.
Let's start small.
Supper was the best meal-- the most generous portions, the highest quality food & drink, the most welcoming atmosphere I'm sure. It was the natural expression of respect, to honor Him with their absolute best, and of gratitude, to give as lavishly as possible. This speaks for itself in worship application, but what about the "supper" aspect? It wasn't just a gift, however stupendous-- no, a meal given is always personal, always taking time, always for friendship.
I struggle so much with that.
...
The even bigger difficulty is that "a meal is for free & pleasant conversation." Guess what I CANNOT do during a meal on pain of meltdowns? TALK.
...
"A feast is made for fellowship." It's not forced? It's not for fighting? It's not poisoned, not for gorging, not going to make you sick & scared?
...
Then Christ-- God Himself-- RETURNS the gesture.
...
...


"Christ had formerly reproved Martha for being troubled with much serving. But she did not therefore leave off serving, as some, who, when they are reproved for one extreme, peevishly run into another; no, still she served; not as then at a distance, but within hearing of Christ's gracious words... better be a waiter at Christ's table than a guest at the table of a prince."
...Oh. That's what I did with my talents, I guess.
...Its odd that THAT was my immediate thought. "I was reproved for my talents, so I abandoned them completely." Is that my parallel to Martha? Were my talents my way OF serving? Is THAT why I'm so miserable and unfulfilled now, feeling purposeless and inert, although I'm "doing what Christ wanted"? But He never said to stop serving. He never told Martha to quit. He only said that she was troubled about many things, and there was need of only one thing-- the Greek implies that He spoke to her heart; that she was "pulled in all directions," her "mind in tumult", "distracted" and even "terrified with anxiety." But despite all her troubles, "only one thing is needed." There is only one thing, the "good portion," the single concern out of all possible concerns that it WAS necessary TO be concerned about.... and that very "concern" brought a peace that "would not be taken away." What is that one thing, that "oligon", that "little thing"? It is, in all astounding simplicity, Jesus. Salvation. Truth. Eternal Life. THAT is ALL we need to be "worried" about.
...
And I was convinced my talents were getting in His way, so I buried them.
...




101823

Oct. 18th, 2023 09:57 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
DISASTER DAY

Horrendously hot night. Window open
HACKS

Oblates mass! The priest was from CALIFORNIA!
Rosary, led 4th mystery. Inspired again to record audio prayers

Thrift / Wegmans / Walmart / Drop-off, Redners, Riteaid, HOME

BK prep + unpacking WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOMES haha
Too hungry & dissociated to function

Finally sat down, ate most of the carrots, and then mom called to be picked up 😂

FINALLY BREAKFAST AT 4PM GOD BLESS!!!!

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Still working through Adam Clarke. Verse 40.

"This verse is taken from Isaiah 6:9, and, perhaps, refers more to the judgments that should fall upon them as a nation, which God was determined should not be averted, than it does to their eternal state. To suppose that the text meant that God was unwilling that they should turn unto him, lest he should be obliged to save them, is an insupportable blasphemy."
In contrast, God actually repeatedly says the exact opposite. He IMPLORES sinners to repent so that they won't die. He practically begs us to return to Him. He is constantly portrayed as a forgiving Father and Husband, Who may indeed briefly be engaged with our sins BUT Who ALWAYS welcomes us back, of His Own free will, and does so forever. "His anger lasts only for a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime." God is ENTIRELY and ENTHUSIASTICALLY willing that we should turn unto Him, to the point of giving us multitudinous opportunities TO do so, and lavishly pouring out graces upon us so we CAN. He removes every obstacle in our way so we can run home to Him... that is, except for the mountain of our own free will. And yet He will help us even through that, step by step, if we give Him even the smallest concession. He is just that willing. So that point is clear.
As for obligation-- God isn't obliged to do ANYTHING for ANYONE, EVER. He is Sovereign above all. Arguably, though, in a wonderful paradox, He IS "obliged" to save those Who come to Him through Jesus Christ. Then again, Jesus IS God, so Who exactly is He obliged to? You see the blissful loophole He has made for us even here! And I assure you, such an "obligation" does not deserve such a hard word as that. It is His JOY and GLORY to save poor sinners through Christ! He does so because He wholeheartedly WANTS TO-- the whole thing was His idea to begin with, after all!
So, as for Isaiah 6:10. I'll admit, it used to terrify me too. But I never knew God well enough to understand His Words properly. Knowing His Character better, now that I pray and study Scripture far more... then my foundation for grasping that verse IS what I just wrote: God WANTS to forgive, WANTS to heal, WANTS to restore-- He WANTS sinners to look and listen and love and understand. He is not contradicting Himself; He certainly is not changing His disposition! So, knowing that, what IS He saying?
He is speaking of that mountain of freewill.
He is speaking of how men have CHOSEN to REJECT His pleas and providences, scoffed at His graces and gifts, and outright turned their back on the Loving and Living God to serve idols and themselves.
So, God is speaking, at terrible last, of His due Justice.
Yes, God wants all men to repent. No, He does not want to destroy men. HOWEVER. THE WAGES OF SIN IS STILL DEATH. And if we repeatedly disregard Life when He reaches out to rescue us... well, then ultimately, He will "respect our decision" and turn the tides on us. He doesn't stop loving us. He just also hates the sins we brazenly keep committing.
(Stop rambling. Finish this later when Tilly isn't trying to drive)
https://biblehub.com/sermons/auth/pusey/isaiah_his_heaviness_and_his_consolation.htm
https://biblehub.com/sermons/auth/shalders/judgment_and_mercy.htm
https://biblehub.com/sermons/auth/clarkson/the_shadow_of_sacred_truth.htm
ALSO YOU ALREADY TYPED ABOUT THIS YOU DINGBAT!!!!

"A man must hear the words of Christ in order to believe them; and he must believe, in order to keep them; and he must keep them in order to his salvation."
My faith has suffered for so many years because I really wasn't hearing the Words of Christ, EITHER audibly or spiritually. As a child, I read the Bible nightly, and I LOVED it. But once I hit middle school, I just... stopped? I don't remember when it was exactly, but by high school, I was only hearing Scripture in Theology class or at Mass on Saturday evening. THAT WAS IT. How was I not spiritually starving??? Or rather, since I inevitably was, how did I never feel the hunger pangs???
...
I remember how, in 2012, Q & Y would read a few verses of Scripture every night before bed, and they invited us to join them. I will NEVER FORGET the unexpected fire that ignited in my heart. I immediately knew, I NEED THIS. THIS is what I've been yearning for all these years. It felt like coming home.
Unfortunately and inexplicably, I dropped the ritual when I moved out? But my memory disappears entirely too, so God only knows what happened in general.
...
...However, I'm forgetting to mention the real trouble. Point two. I didn't exactly believe. Not since childhood, at least, and back then my faith was too small, confused, and uneducated to have true roots yet.
...Actually, SLC was ALSO the FIRST TIME I DID have faith in earnest since childhood. That event was separate from the Bible study, although it did strongly affect it. I'm talking about the Cathedral of the Madeleine
...

...
(I immediately thought of my religiously-mangled upbringing, and how "faith comes by hearing," and that although I DID hear the words of Christ I DIDN'T HEAR THEM PROPERLY. They were out of context, misquoted or mistranslated, and in general only represented a fraction of ALL He actually said FOR me to hear.)
STOP BASHING YOUR FAMILY YOU COLDHEARTED SNIT.
...


"You shall be judged according to My doctrine: the maxims which you have heard from My mouth shall be those on which you shall be tried in the great day; and you shall be condemned or acquitted according as you have believed or obeyed them, or according as you have despised and violated them. See this proved, Matthew 25:35, etc."
Oh wow, linking THOSE TWO VERSES absolutely deepens the impact. I never saw the connection before and shame on me.
This REALLY emphasizes the moral duty of every Christian to ACT ON what Christ had said to us. When He gave us the Beatitudes, for example, He wasn't just speaking pretty words & giving us inspiring one-liners to quote. That's unfortunately how many of us unconsciously treat them, though. We recognize their moral beauty and truth, sure, but then what? Do we PROVE them as such in PRACTICE? Do we make their truths TANGIBLE? Why do we hear Jesus's instructions and then just... not do them? Is it because He doesn't bark orders or list rules? Is it because He teaches to the heart, leads by example, and speaks in parables that we somehow miss the insistent and indispensable call to action within it all? Or do we hear it all at a distance, as metaphor or symbol, as "not spoken to ME," as something "too good to be true" or "too difficult to be literal"?
I'm drifting. What I'm trying to say is: if Christ's mission & commandment is Eternal Life-- if EVERYTHING He speaks serves that mission-- then how would we ever expect to GAIN Eternal Life if we disregarded & rejected those very Words?
Jesus REPEATEDLY says that "eternal life" is obtained NOW. You "HAVE" it, IF YOU KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS. If you don't, then the opposite is just as terribly true. If you have faith in Jesus, you will love Him, and you will believe His Words, and therefore you will keep His precepts, and eternal life will be a reality in you right now.
It's so simple yet so profound, as it always is. So LISTEN CAREFULLY TO HIM. Pay close and vigilant attention to ALL His Words. DON'T DETACH FROM THE HEARING of them either-- when Christ speaks, DO WHAT HE SAYS. Since He is God, ALL His Words are TRUTH, and are therefore effectively ALL binding to obedient response. If we DON'T live according TO those words, then we're living a LIE, and a lie CANNOT be eternal, OR have life to begin with!! So BELIEVE JESUS'S WORDS, with your whole heart, and MAKE THEM YOUR LIFE.

"I know that this commandment is life everlasting" — These words of our Lord are similar to that saying in St. John's first epistle, 1 John 5:11-12. "This is the record, that God hath given unto us eternal life, and this life is IN HIS SON. He that hath the Son hath life.""
Oh wow I never understood that before. Now I do.
Christ Jesus, quite literally, IS eternal life. His Words are Truth, and show us the way to life-- a way which leads to Himself, Who embodies every Truth He speaks, because He IS Truth, and therefore IS the Way, in His very Person. It sounds circuitous but it's an upward spiral. At first we think of Truth as an impersonal concept, as a definition, but Christ reveals that Truth is God, and HE is God made visible, and everything that can be saud to be "true" is in Him, because of Him, by Him, for Him. Same thing with seeking the "way" to truth, as so many nowadays do-- it becomes so staggeringly simple, yet even more Ineffably mysterious, when you realize also that since He IS Truth then the ONLY way TO know Truth is to know Him. He IS the Way.
And... He IS the very Commandment God gave Him. Do you realize that EVERYTHING Christ spoke is meant to lead us to salvation-- which is THROUGH HIM? Every Truth He spoke taught us more about Himself, just as every miracle brought that Truth into practical reality. ALL of it shines with the Kingdom light-- with eternal life-- with Himself. No one could have done any of it, except Him.
This connection to John's epistle is amazingly, beautifully life-changing, as it sinks in ever deeper into our hearts.


"Christ taught us, not the things of men, but the deep, everlasting truths of God. As His Father's envoy, Christ came to us; and He proclaims only God's Truth... Christ, as the Messiah, received His commission from God, as to both what He should command-- everything that related to the formation and establishment of the Christian institutionAND what He should speak-- all His private conversations with His disciples or others. Therefore, He, as man, always commanded and spoke through the constant inspiration of the Holy Spirit... and God's commandment/ commission is, Preach salvation to a lost world, and give Thyself a ransom for all; and whosoever believeth on Thee shall not perish, but have everlasting life. Every word of Christ, properly credited, and carefully applied, leads to peace and happiness here, and to glory hereafter. What an amiable view of the Gospel of the grace of God does this give us! It is a system of eternal life, Divinely calculated to answer every important purpose to dying, miserable man. This sacred truth Jesus witnessed with His last breath. He began His public ministry proclaiming the Kingdom of God; and He now finishes it by asserting that the whole commission is eternal life."
This says it so much better than my rambling.
Honestly though I only ramble because I'm so moved; this is all so deeply moving and beautiful that my heart just overflows-- and since my natural means of sincere expression had proven to be language, that's what it overflows into. So I apologize for any annoyance in these floods but I'm not sorry that they happen; they are proof that I am affected by what I am reading, and that I am letting them begin to work a change in me, at long last.
Anyway. Let me then humbly yet joyfully think upon these things.
First: nothing Christ spoke was of human invention. That is important. Yes He was human, in that He took on our nature, but "took on" is key-- at His core, His essential Nature WAS GOD. He unites humanity TO Himself BUT He never ceases to be perfectly God. It is this contrast that is implied here: "human" versus "divine"; "imperfect" versus "perfect"; "fallible" versus "infallible". Christ was human but without sin; He was human yet He remained perfect. He was INCAPABLE of pride, of dishonesty, of selfish ambition-- and of course, He was absolutely incapable of speaking incorrectly of divine things! So, from this standpoint alone-- even without actively considering His commission from God-- EVERYTHING Jesus spoke was, necessarily, true and perfect and right. It was not anything a mortal could think of. It was not a perishing idea or a personal opinion. It was not even "wise insights" or "righteous principles" that a well-educated or respectably religious man could teach. Christ went BEYOND all of that, because His speech was INHERENTLY AND INVARIABLY TRUE, with all that entails, and it was so Because it was ALWAYS THE SPEECH OF GOD. I know I keep emphasizing this point but really it's IMPERATIVE to properly understanding the ENTIRE GOSPEL, and treating it with due reverence & obedient deference! Unless we truly comprehend that Jesus's words-- ALL OF THEM-- are the INCONTESTABLE WORDS OF GOD and are MEANT EXPRESSLY TO GIVE US ETERNAL LIFE, then we will never be complete in our Christian faith. We will not be living from this great depth of love, and so will be unable to respond in kind.
Second: a small addition to the first. YES, EVEN JESUS'S "CASUAL SPEECH" WAS HOLY. All His private teachings and conversations were STILL springing forth from His Divine Heart. His language did not lose any veracity or dignity or sanctity just because it was not formally dictated to a crowd. "EVERY word... leads to peace & happiness and glory," when we listen with humble faith, and then respond with trusting love. Again, we must hear those words AS God's Words, before we can respond properly, and before we can receive the virtues that flow from His Divinity alone, speaking through those words, not from merely seeing them as theologically or ethically admirable speech. You can respect Christ's words without faith in Him, and still be humanly motivated or inspired by those words, but then they will not change your heart, and they will not be for your salvation. Faith is WHY He spoke those words. Faith in Him works miracles... Faith in Him is what saves us.
Third: THE HOLY SPIRIT!! Don't ever forget about Him! He is WHY AND HOW Jesus's as a human WAS able to communicate His Divinity as the Son-- because lest you forget this too, GOD IS FOREVER A TRINITY, AND THE THREE PERSONS OF GOD ARE INSEPARABLE. Where the Son is, SO TOO ARE THE FATHER AND THE SPIRIT, ALWAYS. We don't usually talk about that, let alone even acknowledge it often!
...
Fourth: The "actual" commission-- in other words, the underlying and all-encompassing motive & purpose of every action & word of Jesus's Life as a man, the ultimate goal & constant effect of His Incarnation, the functional definition of Who He Was on this earth, so to speak. "This commandment IS Eternal Life", and "that Life is given to us IN Christ"-- "I do & speak only what I have been commanded by the Father"... and what did He do? He preached Himself to us, He gave Himself for us, He united Himself with us.
"And whosoever believeth on Thee shall not perish, but have everlasting life."
...
Fifth: "It is a SYSTEM of eternal life, Divinely calculated to answer every important purpose to dying, miserable man." Please forgive the italics, but that means a lot to me. It's ORDERED. It's INTENTIONAL. It's PURPOSEFUL AND EFFECTIVE. There was nothing haphazard, random, unsure, unfit, or unexpected about it.
...



"The public work of our Lord was now done; and the remnant of His time, [leading up] to His crucifixion, He spent in teaching His disciples-- instructing them in the nature of His Kingdom, His intercession, and the mission of the Holy Spirit; and in that heavenly life which all true believers live with the Father, through faith in the Son, by the operation of the Holy Ghost."
READ THAT AGAIN.
ALL TRUE CHRISTIANS LIVE WITH THE WHOLE TRINITY.
I mean, on one hand, It's logically obvious, because if Christ the Son is within us then so are the other Two Persons, inseparably... BUT STILL, WOW. WOW.
...
But even without using explicit language of the sort, Jesus was teaching that very Truth to His disciples-- BEFORE He was crucified! That's before they even fully grasped HIS Divinity!! So that Truth then must be couched in the other truths, in the less mindblowing details of their faith foundation.
But I can't type about this yet. We will once we get to those chapters. Just keep this point in mind.
The Kingdom of God, even now as we are able to glimpse it on earth, necessarily includes the whole Trinity. So already, whether we realize it actively or not, we can be in a state of grace where that reality is actual, in this moment?
I just keep thinking "Holy Mass," seriously.
...


"Many persons are liberal in their condemnation of the Jews, because they did not believe on the Son of God... But those who condemn them do not reflect that they are probably committing the same sort of transgression, in circumstances which heighten the iniquity of their sin. Will it avail any man, that he has believed that Christ has come in the flesh to destroy the works of the devil, who does not come unto Him that he may have life, but continues to live under the power and guilt of sin? Paradoxical as it may seem, it is nevertheless possible, for a man to credit the four evangelists, and yet live and die an infidel, as far as his own salvation is concerned. Reader, it is possible to hold the truth in unrighteousness. Pray to God that this may not be thy condemnation."
This is the final bit from Clarke on this chapter and it's a truly terrifying thought.
This is exactly what I actually was talking about earlier. It's not just "believing without acting on it." It's hearing the words of God IN CHRIST and assenting to their Truth, to their Righteousness, but not then living out those words. It's believing with your head that Jesus did die for us, that He did offer His Life to ransom ours from sin and death, but not acting on that with your heart. You don't come to the Cross. You don't repent and confess your sins. You don't admit that you are powerless to save yourself and you cannot change your life without His grace. You don't nail your ego to that gibbet to die with Him. You don't forgive.
...





101723

Oct. 17th, 2023 09:56 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Slept in until 10. Body was begging for it.

Got bad stomach cramping upon drinking Powerade again???
No strength to bike until it eased up. Standing in front of heater.

Prayers on bike as soon as we felt better. Offering everything up for Israel, and making extra devoted effort.
Mental prayer today, not spoken-- SAYING them TURNS OFF THE IMAGINATION unless we have music on!! And saying them ALSO TYPICALLY CUTS OFF EMOTION. They become automated & socialized.

Almost forgot about ONLINE MASS today! Went to our buddies in Coquitlam.
Then made brave decision to pray the Rosary BEFORE eating, because afterwards we cannot feel the emotions.
WEEPING over Sorrowful Mysteries, thanks to new soundtrack= Peter Gregson. It hit SO HARD.

BK prep = TWO bags of broccoli were bad??
Eggs turned out well though despite huge bubble. Still don't know why that happens. Might just be pan size vs jet size.

Chest feels very funny, gotta eat son!!!

Mom called, anime talk with Mike

Workers in the hall being super noisy. Offering that up too.

Evening =
They have the HEATERS ON and it is SO WARM I am being forced to sleep in A TANK TOP & BOYSHORTS. This is hilarious.
Gonna hit the 30s by Monday son!! Can't wait for everything outside to get ORANGE & FOGGY


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VOTD 2 Cor 9:8 = fitting for Israel relief efforts! "God blesses you so you can be a blessing to others." BUT we can only receive His literally overabundant blessings BY NOT STOPPING THE FLOW. We must GENEROUSLY GIVE in order TO receive the blessings we are TO give! Hoarding, hiding, competing, etc. ALL spring from FEAR OF LACK/LOSS and betray a REAL LACK OF TRUST IN GOD, Who will ALWAYS provide for our needs AND our giving, IF we trust Him enough TO RELY ON HIM FOR THAT PROVISION.
I can, with honest shocked gratitude, attest to this. God legit works "numberless small miracles" for us when we surrender control into His Hands-- and He sincerely cares about even our tiniest needs, the ones we tend to deny or reject even in ourselves. But God LOVES to give. God loves to shower people with blessings & grace. We just have to RESPOND IN KIND!! We are His children, after all-- it is our joy, too, to imitate His largesse as He both enables & teaches us to, and to therefore glorify Him in all circumstances.
ALSO, UNEXPECTED APPLICATION OF THIS TRUTH in the daily questions =
"What do you need God to give you today? 1) Provision in my finances. 2) Physical or mental healing. 3) Patience in difficult circumstances."
ALL OF THOSE THINGS STILL COUNT???? Honestly I always just applied this verse to finances & basic needs, like food & shelter! I actually NEVER thought that "God will provide for" my EMOTIONAL needs, or my PSYCHOLOGICAL needs... probably because I consistently deny and reject those needs. No wonder I never even realized that God CAN and apparently WILL provide for them, as scandalous a claim as that sounds. But it's right there in Scripture. If I have a need, God IS able to meet it in abundance

KVOTD actually tied in, with Philippians 4:6-7. That's HOW we can better trust God, in order TO unconditionally rely on His Providence... despite all trying circumstances.
Generosity and Gratitude go hand in hand, really. So do Joy and Peace.

Now why am I Emphasizing these verses so much?
Because they are EXACTLY WHAT GOD IS CHALLENGING ME WITH IN LIFE RIGHT NOW.
I am ashamed to admit, in reading the VOTD reflection, that I'm actually not actively being generous. I DON'T think about what resources I have and how I can use them TO BLESS OTHERS. I'm too poverty-minded and stingy, too scared of not having enough to survive if I do give. Deep down part of be obviously DOESN'T trust God to provide... or worse, trusts that His provision IS letting me starve or go bankrupt. That's that twisted "genie" falsehood again.
But on another note... I wasn't aware that I HAD other resources than money. That is perhaps even MORE shameful-- because it shows that I didn't even consider things like time and talent TO be blessings gifted to me TO BLESS OTHERS. What the heck am I even doing?? How far has my mind fallen??
So I needed this, desperately.
As for the KVOTD... I need to stop worrying about "not having enough" of ANYTHING, and instead PRAY ABOUT IT... with THANKSGIVING.

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Universalis =

ISAIAH 55 TIES DIRECTLY INTO JOHN 12:24 WITH THE GRAIN???
"What I’m about to tell you is true. Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only one seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."
"Thus says the Lord: ‘As the rain and the snow come down from the heavens and do not return without watering the earth, making it yield and giving growth to provide seed for the sower and bread for the eating, so the Word that goes from my mouth does not return to me empty, without carrying out My Will and succeeding in what it was sent to do.’"
THAT IS EXPLICITLY REFERENCING JESUS'S LIFE, DEATH, AND RESURRECTION. That is amazing.
First: Jesus IS the WATER OF LIFE!!! He is literally the water that "comes down from heaven."
Second: it "does not return WITHOUT watering the earth." This implies His ASCENSION.
Third: Jesus came to earth TO "WATER IT," which means GIVING IT LIFE, and THE CAPACITY TO LIVE. Without sustained watering, everything will dry up again.
Fourth: This giving of Life-- of Himself-- makes the earth YIELD before it CAN give growth!!! If we do not humble ourselves and soften our hearts TO receive Him, that "Living water" won't be able to soak in.
Fifth: THE SEED ONLY GROWS BECAUSE IT RECEIVED THE LIVING WATER.
Sixth: This growth produces MORE SEED, but it is meant FOR THE SOWER!! It doesn't just sit there and "serve itself" in idleness!! Its VERY EXISTENCE is INTENDED TO SERVE.
Seventh: This seed, once harvested by the sower, IS USED TO MAKE BREAD FOR EATING.
Eighth: Jesus's mission was guaranteed to succeed even from His birth. His very coming to earth, like the rain, INEVITABLY brought Life to the people of earth.
Ninth: Jesus does not return to heaven "empty." He BRINGS US WITH HIM. Even immediately after His Death, He harrowed hades and brought all those ancient righteous souls up to heaven with Him before HE even went in Himself!
Tenth: Jesus's entire existence "carries out God's Will" and He unfailingly "does what He was sent to do"... which is, simply and stunningly, to give us HIS Life and thus forever rescue us from death. He was sent here TO save us. Nothing more, nothing less. Let THAT soak in.

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Online=

"A scepter symbolized a ruler’s absolute power and authority over a tribe or nation... [and] can be used as weapons. Scepters symbolized the irresistible civic and military power that a ruler had at his command. [But] worldly authority, symbolized by the scepter, is temporary, and earthly kings often find their scepters slipping out of their grasp. But the scepter wielded by the Messiah, Jesus Christ, will never be lost, stolen, or set aside. When He establishes His Kingdom on earth, it will be one of perfect justice: “Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever; a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your Kingdom. You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness”."
Oh man THAT'S what it means!! The very concept of Justice ITSELF is Christ's "scepter"-- wherever it exists and is so honestly wrought, CHRIST'S KINGDOM REIGNS.  And when His Kingdom is fully established among men at His Return, it CANNOT fall, for His Power and Authority IS LITERALLY THOSE VERY THINGS THEMSELVES. I don't know how else to phrase that. He IS Power and Authority, Justice and Righteousness. He cannot lose what He IS-- and those virtues ARE DEFINED BY HIM! He is their Source and Summit, just as He is of Life itself, because He IS GOD.
But yeah. What hit me hard is that Christ's power is absolute because He literally IS Justice. His Kingdom power, His "scepter," is HIMSELF. It isn't external or dependent in any way.
Lastly... consider the Crowning with Thorns. They mocked His Kingship by implying that His power & authority, His "scepter," was a bruised reed-- useless, frail, and poor-- and they even used it to hit Him on His thorn-crowned Head. Little did they know the mysteriously honorable Truth they proclaimed even in their irreverence! Jesus was, in His very Passion, being "hit by" God's Own Justice... BY the "bruised reed," the symbol of civic & military power. On earth, His Kingship DID appear impotent, but those very people who refused to respect Him would, through their very insolence & offense, serve to further His Divine purposes. His Cross WAS His Throne. His weakness WAS His Power. His humility WAS His Authority. And the thorns He wore, those very symbols of the fruitless curse of Adam's children, became His real crown, as He became the Fruit of Life that would lift that curse and free humankind from death forever... but only by taking every thorn of it onto Himself first.
When the Roman soldiers pretended to worship Him, dressed so piteously, they had no idea that their very Gentile race was soon destined to become the first proof of His TRUE Kingship over all men... no matter how broken, bruised, and useless such an "army" might appear, no matter how it had once willingly hurt Him. Christ still took them into His Kingdom, giving them a holy purpose and true dignity they would never have had otherwise.
Christ's scepter is Justice itself, wielded from the Cross.

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Continuing Clarke from verse 32.

Man but this fellow is SO EDUCATED; He has so far in this chapter referenced the Bhagavad Gita, the Iliad, the Jahangirnama, and he frequently refers to the Jewish Talmud & Mishnah & Targums, classic poets such as Virgil & Lucan, as well as several other commentators, translations, and historians. HOW MUCH DID THIS MAN READ, that is phenomenal. I'm both impressed and inspired by the sheer wealth of knowledge and wisdom his pious works both express and evince.

All right let me just say that, without quoting huge text walls, Clarke just used several historical references to effectively call both prayer & faith a "golden chain of justice," by which heaven is bound to earth in communication between the "just & most merciful God" and poor sin-oppressed men... a chain by which "all men are drawn to Himself," via the efficacious merit of THE CROSS. "O Thou that hearest prayer, unto Thee shall all flesh come" (Psalms 65:2)... "‭And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto Myself" (John 12:32).
YOU SEE THE IMMENSELY BEAUTIFUL ELEGANCE this man is able to point out to us, thanks to his blessings of education!! May the God he honored by so sharing it bless his soul in eternity, for all the glory he still gives to God by the testimony of his faithful works!


"the Jews called every part of the sacred writings by the name, The Law..."
If I may, this reminds me of how God the Father’s "commandment" to Jesus was basically His ENTIRE ministry, because that "commandment" was eternal Life. It was "one thing," yet such a perfectly great and gloriously illinitable thing that it naturally and necessarily expanded into every word and action of Christ’s Incarnation. And since Christ IS the Word, by Whom Scripture was inspired & spoken, and since His Law is now, as it was then, to unconditionally love God and to selflessly love neighbor for His sake... well, it wouldn't surprise me if therefore ALL of Scripture WAS that Law of Christ, in one way or another. If nothing else, consider that God IS Truth and everything He speaks is therefore Truth; if He Who created all things with His Word alone, spoke every word of the sacred writings... then yeah, I'd call them a "Law" too. Whatever God says, IS.


"There was no part of the law nor of the Scripture that said the Messiah should not die; but there are several passages that say as expressly as they can that Christ must die, and die for the sin of the world too. But as there were [also] several passages that spoke of the perpetuity of His reign, they probably [overruled] the one with the other, and thus drew the conclusion, "The Messiah cannot die; for the Scripture hath said, his throne, kingdom, and reign shall be eternal." [But the two truths need not be mutually exclusive.]"
Let me jump in at this point to say that I never considered the omissions in Scripture as vital as the actual inclusions-- nor how the two would inevitably speak to each other in truth! Scripture does not "have to" explicitly state anything on our behalf; God is under no obligation to reveal ANY of His Thoughts to us, let alone as many as He has. But He WILL and DOES reveal exactly what we need to know for our good and His glory... and what He doesn't reveal serves those same purposes.
I think this is a good place to start with apologetics? I say this as an ignorant uneducated layperson with no credentials whatsoever. I simply realize that many anti-Gospel voices in the secular-- AND Christian!-- world, like to point fingers and exclaim, "well God DIDN'T say anything outright on this specific topic!" Maybe not, true, but what DID He say on other things? God is not ignorant of reality, especially not of human experience-- since His WHOLE PLAN OF SALVATION is for our sakes. Just because He didn't explicitly say something in Scripture doesn't mean the answer isn't there. This prophecy is the perfect example. We know what wasn't said, but we ALSO know what was said, and the two ALWAYS interplay. Maybe they're in different books, written in different eras, said in different contexts than what you would expect or look for. But I ASSURE you, IF YOU TRULY SEEK THE TRUTH, and are not just cherrypicking an argument in your favor, then GOD WILL REVEAL IT TO YOU, WHEN YOU ARE READY TO RECEIVE IT. He won't casually drop it into your lap. You must show yourself worthy, willing, and able TO receive before you will get your answer. Your heart, mind, eyes, and ears must be proved open; otherwise, God can speak all He wants and you will be deaf, dumb, and numb to it... You must be tried and found sufficiently trustworthy, faithful, honest, and pure; otherwise that Truth you seek will scald and condemn and even harden you as you grasp at it irreverently.
In short: 2 Timothy 3:16. "Every Scripture passage is inspired by God. All of them are useful for teaching, pointing out errors, correcting people, and training them for a life that has God's approval." Proverbs 26:12 too: "Do you see a man who is wise in his own opinion? There's more hope for a fool than for him."
But even God's silence speaks.
I'm rambling now. I've said what I could on this offshoot thought.


"Ye have a good part of your journey yet to go: ye cannot travel safely but in the daylight - that light is almost gone - run, that the darkness overtake you not, or in it ye shall stumble, fall, and perish! Reader, is thy journey near an end? There may be but a very little time remaining to thee. O, run, fly to Christ, lest the darkness of death overtake thee, before thy soul have found redemption in His Blood!"
This feels directly relevant with wars on the news right now.
...
But... that one word hits like a bullet. "Run." Man. We always talk about "walking with Christ," but... is it now time to run? Is the darkness so near, with so much road yet ahead? How would we think of that properly, in a current context?
...


"Let the light, the Truth of Christ, so dwell in and work by you that ye may be all light in the Lord: that as truly as a child is the produce of his own parent, and partakes of his nature, so ye may be children of the light, having nothing in you but [Christ's] truth and righteousness."
Again, simple truths that you'd think would be obvious, but that never occurred to me.
First: Our new lives are produced by Christ, in His Death, like a maiden "dies" in childbirth to become a mother, if I may be so bold to compare. The very substance of our new lives comes directly from Him, by ALL the work of love & grace He has BEEN doing for us in endless time leading up to our "birth" as Christians. Also... the Cross is intimately joined to the EUCHARIST, by which Christ STILL feeds us His children WITH HIMSELF.
Second: Children are "images of their parents" even before their upbringing, in BOTH appearance and personality, due to inherited genetics. What Christ infuses into us, through His Self-giving, is what He IS-- Truth and Righteousness. They are not incidental qualities; they ARE Christ, or rather, He IS virtue itself. Without Him, we cannot be virtuous.
Third: Christ calls us to be "children of light," which means we must be born not just of Him (by the Cross), but by His Truth-- His Self-- LIVING in us. As point 2 illustrates, if we truly are born of Him, then He must be IN us; and if He is in us, Who IS Life and virtue Himself, not just some impersonal force or passive influence, then in a wonderful paradox, we His children are also His Tabernacles. He LITERALLY lives IN us, as active Truth. His very Presence is what works that Truth through us, by His Spirit. Yet we do not lose our individuality, as different as I personally find that to accept & grasp. When we open our hearts in faith to believe Christ's Truth, then by nature of Truth, we let Christ as God into us, by means of the Holy Spirit. But He does not "take over" or "override our will, our consciousness, or our personhood, any more than a child's genetic parentage overrules their own equally innate & unique character-- it simply forms a sort of foundation or canvas on which the child's personality expresses itself & works within. It will never be unbound from those inherent predispositions, but it will never be ruled by them either, unless it chooses to surrender to their influence and actively adopt their traits as its own. So too with the Spirit-- although He is a Person, a REAL Person, not an echo of one, as our literal human parents are in our DNA. No, the Holy Spirit-- carrying the light of Christ’s Truth-- is with us in tandem, as a unity of persons, as a cooperation, as a relationship. He never forces, He only guides, teaches, warns, inspires, corrects, consoles, encourages... He is our Advocate and Friend, never a tyrant.
But the point is this: we become children of light by letting our nature be redefined by the light of Truth, the Life of Christ, instead of by our mortal ancestry and spiritually inherited falsehoods.
...
...
Rambling. I get so far and lose the train. I Apologize. God forgive me.
I can feel it, but words have failed. I've used too many.


"Christ withdrew from them, and went to Bethany, as was His custom a little before His crucifixion; and concealed Himself there during the night, and taught publicly every day in the temple. It was in the night season that they endeavoured to seize upon Him, in the absence of the multitude."
Well isn't THAT shockingly relevant to headspace.
During the day, Christ "teaches us" in the Temple-- in the Mass we attend, in the Church teachings we study, and in the Tabernacle of our bodily life (scandalous but true). But at night... He doesn't disappear, He just leaves the public eye and goes into the house of His friends. At night... that's when we talk to Him. That's when we rest with Him. That's when we can speak to Him, one on one, as an individual; heart to Heart, not just another face in the crowd.
But... sometimes, there is a night when we aren't at home. Sometimes, we are missing, and Christ is alone, with no doors open to Him. That's when the "multitude is missing." That's when Christ-- the Light, the Truth-- is "in danger" of being "seized" by the enemy in the shadows, who waited for this "night season" to pounce.
And yet, even then... Christ is in control. REMEMBER THAT. He is never caught off guard. He is never helpless. He knows that even if this night ends in a Crucifixion, even then He will be all the more victoriously glorified, and Light WILL triumph over darkness... and He will return to us, as the dawn itself, when the night is over.
Do we have faith in that? When we find ourselves agonizing in the Garden, as it were, do we recognize Him beside us even then? Do we were with Him; do we watch and pray?
...The point is, remember that last line. The night is only dangerous in the absence of the multitude. Don't betray your Lord by slicing your heart down to one solitary figure. When the night falls, don't get stuck outside. Stay in the house, stay together, and stay with Jesus.


"Though the miracles were wrought for this very purpose: that they might believe in Christ, and escape the coming wrath, and every evidence was given that Jesus was the Messiah-- yet they did not believe; but they were blinded by their passions, and obstinately hardened their hearts against the truth."
I had to Google this, because that's a fatal response we must avoid, and I found this:
"Recently I chatted with a passionate success-driven businessperson that’s blinded by passion. He consistently ignores obvious truths in order to continue holding to false beliefs. During our conversation, I simply repeated his own assessments of the situation. Upon hearing his own assessments, he rejected them. His replies consistently began with, “Yes but…” and “Not really.”... it’s hard to reason with a person that’s filled with the emotion of passionate vision. Passion may close the mind."
Applying that here... the unbelieving Jews of Jesus's time were blinded by "passions"-- powerful emotions-- such as religious zeal, political fervor, and moral pride. They felt these things like fire, and they were fueled by them so much that they refused the Water of Life to have an effect; it would douse everything they had been living for. They didn't realize that once those harmful flames were quenched, the Spirit would baptize them in an eternal holy Fire that would never be put out... if we gave ourselves to be burned like that ancient bush.
...
What stuns me is the blindness of the passion-- what caused that businessman to reject his own thoughts solely because he didn't recognize them in another person's words. He was self-obsessed to the point of self-destruction.
...
It's astounding to consider that all of Jesus's miracles were meant to bring people to faith in Him, and so to faith in God. THAT'S IT. Yes, they were miracles of great healing and charity, but that wasn't their ultimate point! The point was FOR that evident goodness TO point the witnesses TO GOD, Who alone is Good, and Who therefore alone had the ability TO do such miracles.
...
Why did their passions blind them to that??


prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

KVOTD = Philippians 4:8. "Start small"= write down daily what good things you are grateful for, list truths in Scripture as you encounter them, etc. NOT ALL AT ONCE or burnout. But CHOOSE ONE EVERY DAY to think about. "like starting a new exercise routine"; build up strength & ability in proper time

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Adam Clarke continues at verse 24.

"Except a grain of wheat fall into the ground and die — Our Lord compares Himself  to a grain of wheat= His death, to a grain sown and decomposed in the ground; His resurrection, to the blade which springs up from the dead grain; which grain, thus dying, brings forth an abundance of fruit. I must die TO be glorified; and, unless I am glorified, I cannot establish a glorious Church of Jews and Gentiles upon earth."
First = THE HULL DECOMPOSES. Etymologically "de-compose" or "to separate into components." When put into the ground-- the dirt of both self-denying humility & the literal grave-- the grain, the person, is "dissolved" into their "constituent parts"??? The actual corpse breaks down from flesh & bone & muscle, then further into elements that reunite with the ground. The body becomes the very dirt. But spiritually, when we enter the grave of suffering and "die to self," as humility makes us "humus" (that pun never gets old) then we, too, see what "we" are made of.
I'm rambling, I'm sorry. But that's a good lesson. Death in any form will always reveal the "bone structure" of a thing. It will always reveal what was theretofore hidden. It will always break things down into their most basic parts. It will always "decompose".
Still, we're losing the true point. Only the HUSK of the seed decomposes. The seed itself contains LIFE, after all-- but without that initial death, without the actual destruction of the outer shell, that life cannot spring forth and transform the seed entire.
Second, on that note, is the blade.
...


"In comparing Himself thus to a grain of wheat, our Lord shows us:
1. The cause of His death - the order of God, Who had rated the redemption of the world at this price; as in nature He had attached the multiplication of the corn to the death or decomposition of the grain.
2. The end of His death - the redemption of a lost world; the justification, sanctification, and glorification of men: as the multiplication of the corn is the end for which the grain is sown and dies.
3. The mystery of His death, which we must credit without being able fully to comprehend, as we believe the dead grain multiplies itself, and we are nourished by that multiplication, without being able to comprehend how it is done."

One: first, another application of the "Law of Life," in that (here?) it can only multiply by a death?
Second: God valued our redemption SO HIGHLY that the only possible equivalent sum was His Own Blood. That is stupefying. Nothing less than an infinitely valuable and wholeheartedly willing sacrifice would give due honor to the cause? Like spending anything less than the "fullest possible price" would have been an affront TO God's own Nature of generous love... AND HIS JUSTICE. Consider the price was so high so that NO ONE BUT GOD could have the glory of redeeming mankind. This is why all the efforts of unbelieving humans to "justify" and even "deify" themselves are utterly preposterous.
Third: EVERY TIME a seed "dies", whether it is planted by man or simply sown by nature, IT IS FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROPAGATING LIFE. The very REASON a seed exists AT ALL is TO DIE AND THEREFORE MULTIPLY.
Fourth: the place where our faith struggles the most... belief without comprehension. Heck, even with actual food we don't typically "trust" its capacity for nourishment without doing extensive research!! We are often, scarily so, "willingly blind" to the apparent outcomes that prove their own truth UNLESS we have "education as to the details." Yes we can see a seed be planted & grow, and we cannot deny that, as it is an apparent visual fact. But it doesn't take faith to admit literal sight. It DOES take faith to admit that the wheat is nourishing us?? Because it BECOMES PERSONAL, and EVERYTHING THAT INVOLVES "SELF" is cast into a hurricane of doubt & fear & confusion.
Perhaps that's our faith problem with religion, too. We don't trust ourselves TO "believe properly." Oh we want to, but we're so scared that if we're not educated enough, and not intelligent enough, we will be believing a LIE or a total falsehood. Even though Christ IS TRUTH, and speaks pure truth, we are not. We can MISINTERPRET Him.
And buddy let me stop you right there. THAT'S WHY HE GAVE US THE HOLY SPIRIT.
But what if I'm not actually hearing Him either?? What if I'm just delusional or misled? What if its a devil voice pretending to be Him?
Believe me, YOU'LL KNOW. It is impossible to confuse the two if your heart is paying attention.
The problem is, we can debate this for days. We can reason and argue and question as long as we want; it won't get us to the true goal in the end. It won't actually answer the question.
IN THE END, IT ALL COMES DOWN TO FAITH.
AND YOU ONLY GET FAITH BY GRACE.
So stop freaking out. Your worries all stem from the rotten root of ironic self-dependence. You are scared of "not being good enough for God." Newsflash = you're not, and no human will ever be. That's WHY He is so merciful. His Grace is a GIFT.
...


"The greatest philosopher that ever existed could not tell how one grain became thirty, sixty, a hundred, or a thousand - how it vegetated in the earth-- how earth, air, and water, its component parts, could assume such a form and consistence, emit such odours, or produce such tastes. Nor can the wisest man on earth tell how the bodies of animals are nourished by this produce of the ground; how wheat, for instance, is assimilated to the very nature of the bodies that receive it, and how it becomes flesh and blood, nerves, sinews, bones, etc. All we can say is, the thing is so and it has pleased God that is should be so, and not otherwise. "So there are many things in the person, death, and sacrifice of Christ, which we can neither explain nor comprehend. All we should say here is, It is by this means that the world WAS redeemed-- through this sacrifice men ARE saved: it has pleased God that it should be so, and not otherwise."
First: I never actually thought about that, how plants are basically MADE OF ELEMENTS. Heck, ALL things are! Every flower is just a smattering of light & water & soil, shaped into a uniquely colorful bloom, with a perfume nonexistent elsewhere. Its a small miracle. And it's the same with US, with breathing creatures that eat those plants!! I've actually always been fascinated by the mechanics of nutrition-- eating as a phenomenon is actually a special interest of ours, hence our weakness for attacks in that area-- BUT I never realized IT'S A LAW.
..
Second: PARALLELS WITH THE EUCHARIST. The NATURE of the wheat is assimilated into what creature consumes it!!
...
Third: the "simply profound" beauty of the fact that, SINCE God created things a certain way, they ARE that way, and "not otherwise." We can rest in that, and contemplate it.
God does what He pleases, and that's that. Honestly I love that truth. It's a real refuge.
Fourth: it's the same with Jesus. I don't have to comprehend every detail of it-- because I CANNOT. Mortal man ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND IT. We cannot explain it because it is beyond the capacity of a created thing TO explain it. You get the picture. We HAVE to accept it BY FAITH ALONE, once again. And that's both BEAUTIFUL AND LIBERATING.
...


"Some say: "Our Lord spoke this according to the philosophy of those days, which was by no means correct." But, I would ask, has ever a more correct philosophy on this point appeared? Is it not a physical truth that the whole body of the grain dies, is converted into fine earth, which forms the first nourishment of the embryo plant, and prepares it to receive a grosser support from the surrounding soil; and that nothing lives but the germ, which was included in this body, and which must die also if it did not receive, from the death or putrefaction of the body of the grain, nourishment so as to enable it to unfold itself? Though the Body of our Lord died, there was still the germ, the quickening power of the Divinity, which re-animated that Body, and stamped the Atonement with infinite merit. Thus the merit was multiplied; and, through the death of that one Person, the man Christ Jesus united to the Eternal WORD, salvation was procured for the whole world. Never was a simile more appropriate, nor an illustration more happy or successful."
OH MAN SEE I DID NOT KNOW THAT!! I had no idea that the body of the seed-- that "decomposed shell"-- that becomes earth, DOES SO IN ORDER TO FEED THE EMBRYO. What the heck man that's BEAUTIFUL!! So right from the beginning, death is being transmuted directly into life-- the death itself SERVES life!! Then that life, that embryo, gains more nourishment from the dirt... which is-- you guessed it-- made of decomposed things. The seed is nourished by the humble earthy remains of countless leaves and branches and fruits and bones and blood and flesh that have worn down by time and weather into this great soft mass of new growth potential. Once again death itself feeds life... and without it, death would overtake that nascent life... which might one day feed another embryo reaching out into the dirt it left behind. It's all such a strange and lovely dance. It is "just so."
What's infinitely more gorgeous though is HOW THIS APPLIES TO CHRIST in His metaphor. I never thought about it that way before. Yes, He is the "grain that must die"... but if He IS Life, then what exactly is dying for Him? I never considered that. And it's that HE IS THE GERM OF LIFE ITSELF. He cannot die, EVER, by definition. ALL LIFE comes from Him, the very "embryo of all that is." Yet consider our new knowledge with the fact of His actual Death on the Cross: His Body was the SEED SHELL. His Divinity was the GERM. That germ IS LIFE ITSELF. And THAT is WHY the Incarnation was essential for ALL LIFE EVERYWHERE. The germ of a plant CONTAINS LIFE, but Life itself is UNCREATED. The germ of a plant is built FROM THE ELEMENTS-- from light and water, and the dirt made from OTHER forms of Life-- but it itself IS not life. However, that intangible Life NEEDS A "BODY" to carry it, in order to MAKE MORE LIFE BY DYING IN THAT BODY. The germ cannot exist without a seedhull first encasing it. And THAT is what JESUS did. He IS Life Himself, uncreated & sempiternal & undying... but He chose to CREATE A BODY for Himself in order for that infinite Germ TO BE ABLE TO MULTIPLY IN OTHER BODIES. He had to GIVE Himself the MEANS to die first, in order to perfect & fulfill that Law of Life manifest mysteriously in all mortal created things. When Christ took on a Body and led that Body to die, then the Germ that Is Divine Life was given the previously impossible opportunity to BEAR EMBODIED FRUIT in the form of "OTHER CHRISTS", in all the human souls grafted into Him BY FAITH.
And why faith? Because the Life that does not die is not passed on by mortal things. It comes only from Itself, and it IS SPIRIT, for it existed in timeless Being forever before matter was ever created. When we believe that Christ is Life and He MUST become OUR Life, then as God, He unites Himself to us. We cannot explain it. We are not God. We cannot map it out in math or observe it with science. It is beyond all mortal perception. But it IS REAL. I can't ever understand it, but I KNOW that if I eat that Bread of Life, it will change me into itself. It is a Law. God leads us to Truth always, as awestruck children. If we were but simpler, we would grasp it better. We need to stay humble, before He can make us bloom.

...All right I have exhausted my brain. God please bless my rambling, I only wish to honor You with it. You give me such joy and I want to worship You in my words of wonder. That is all. Please don't ever let me speak in pride or presumption. Please increase my faith and dependence on Your Wisdom alone. Amen.

On to the next.

"I am about to give up my life for the salvation of men; but I shall speedily receive it back with everlasting honour, by my resurrection from the dead. In this I should be imitated by my disciples, who should, when called to it, lay down their lives for the truth; and, if they do, they shall receive them again with everlasting honour."

We fear death when it is disconnected from God Who IS Life-- when there is no Faith in us giving hope beyond death. When we have Faith in Christ, we join that everlasting Vine, we are in tune with that Law of eternity. Then death becomes a seed-breaking. When we die for His Truth-- when we die with Life as our end-- then Life continues beyond that death. God gives it back new and thriving and transformed in Spirit. Thus we need never fear to die, even as a martyr, even with great pain & anguish. It cannot stop the final result of Resurrection.
This is why Faith is essential. Without it, the exact same manner of death is empty. It has no germ. Faith alone gives purpose to life and death alike. Faith alone turns death itself into a means of nourishing further life. Without faith, mortal life itself is blind to its own ultimate purpose. We cannot figure it out on our own, just as a colorblind person cannot figure out the hues he has no capacity to perceive.


"Christ is a master in a twofold sense: To instruct men, and to employ and appoint them their work. He who wishes to serve Christ must therefore become not only His disciple or scholar, that he may be taught: but also His servant, that he may be employed by and obey his Master."
I was never taught this twofold definition! We easily think of Christ as Teacher, and readily recognize Him as Lord, yes... but somehow, the title of "Master" as like a craftsman is totally new. But that is indeed what He does! He doesn't just "order us around at a distance" like a human king-- no, Christ was a carpenter on earth, and even now He calls us to His heavenly workbench and teaches us hands-on how to do the work He has appointed to us: we who are effectively His Apprentices!
Likewise, we aren't just students of a teacher, to sit in classrooms learning also "at a distance" before going home to do-- or not do-- the assignments. No, our Teacher is also our Master, who we live WITH, and Who we are bound to obey in whatever tasks He gives us. Just remember, in all these "roles," Jesus is infinitely compassionate and gracious, and He never mistreats or overburdens us. And He isn't just "Master" or "Teacher"-- He is our Brother, too, and our Friend, and our Bridegroom! He doesn't drop one title to take another; no, He is all at once. There is great joy in that.

"Our blessed Lord took upon Himself our weaknesses, that He might sanctify them to us. As a man He was troubled at the prospect of a violent death. Nature abhors death: God has implanted that abhorrence in nature, that it might become a principle of self preservation; and it is to this that we owe all that prudence and caution by which we avoid danger. When we see Jesus working miracles which demonstrate His omnipotence, we might be led to conclude that He was not man were it not for such passages as these. The reader must ever remember that it was essentially necessary that He should be man; for, without being such, He could not have died for the sin of the world."
Yet another pointed reminder that Christ's Divinity does NOT forbid, erase, or prevent His ability to feel emotions. So whenever YOU feel disgust at yours, and try to kill them out of some proud "superhuman" aspirations, you are being an idiot and also a devil. Christ, Who was FULLY GOD, entered FULLY into human life, which INCLUDED feeling tired, hungry, sad, scared, happy, even angry-- even love, that word you cringe at now. How dare you. You poor fool. What happened to you? Why are you so disgusted and afraid of what Jesus Himself was willing and able to feel in unison with all mankind? Are you that disgusted and afraid of your own humanity? You really need to shift your focus from yourself to your Savior, then. Let His humanity redefine yours. Sit with that a while, and let the hope get right down into your bones. Watch how He feels, and let Him feel in you. Don't be afraid; He cannot hurt you. Let Him give you new life, even in this respect, even especially so. Let Him make even that long-hated thing holy in Himself.
...And THAT'S the whole point here. I just keep rereading that opening sentence. That is huge.
Yes, Christ HAD to become really & completely human in order to really & completely take our place on the Cross. His mission of Redemption and Salvation would have been impossible otherwise, because at its heart it was an Atonement, a sacrifice, a total & willing identification with the guilty in order to intercede for & absolve them. But those details are not what I am contemplating here. I am stunned by the LIFE He lived that MADE His Death so meritorious, so holy and beneficial and gracious. His LIFE had to be absolutely perfect, in order to BE sacrificed. And IN that perfect existence, He chose to experience every single one of our weaknesses and sufferings and struggles, yet without any sin to 'merit' them. He was purely innocent, yet He took on the full weight of the curse of Death. And apparently He did this to SANCTIFY our sufferings. I just... wow.
So Jesus really felt our natural human fear of death, notably of an unnatural death, a VIOLENT death, the most sin-spurred possible outcome. And His fear was just that-- NATURAL. In fact it was SPECIFICALLY GOD-INTENDED! He did not create death! He surely didn't create the violence that would lead to it! So of course He put a drive into our instincts that fights to preserve life. It isn't an evil inclination, to want to survive. Life is good; Life is OF GOD, and directly so-- God WANTS us to be prudent and protective of life, in ourselves and others, and to avoid dangers that threaten it. CHRIST FELT THIS SAME DRIVE.
However. Christ also knew that there is a higher Life, and one to which even natural life must surrender itself.
...
But... He felt our fear of death, to sanctify it? How? What did His sharing in that do, to change it forever? Was it His full feeling of it, and THEN His noble choice of Love to still prioritize God's Will above even self-preservation? Was it His awareness that despite its natural terror, His death was not the end of His Life, and despite all His sufferings that very death would be a source of life for others? Was it His humility in not denying His trembling fear, when the proud would have laughed in blinded arrogance instead? Typing them out, I think it was all those things. It was His divine embracing of our weakness in the very process of turning them towards the glory of God. His obedience to The Father's Will, His enduring the Passion, would have held no grace of compassion for us if He had rejected or smothered His very real human fear & pain horror & grief & anguish. He HAD to suffer WITH us, AS us, WHILE DOING GOD'S WILL, to make it possible for us to suffer with HIM in like circumstances, and therefore learn how to direct even those weaknesses towards God's glory. But He had to take them into His Heart, first, for only there can anything be sanctified.
What am I even trying to say. I'm sorry.
When I face the threat of death, now, and I am shaking and scared, Christ offers me the possibility of sanctifying even that through unity with Him. I enter into His Heart. I remember what He did in my place. I feel my terror and I offer it to God; I tell Him exactly how I feel, what I regret, what I dread, what I beg for. But then I echo, "Thy will be done." "Glorify Thy Name." I let Christ speak in me, and in Him, everything changes. My fear and pain are not erased or buried, but they are transformed now, united to His Passion and Cross. They now become a share in His Own sufferings. My weaknesses have allowed me to unite with Christ on this mysteriously holy level, in the very torment that brought me salvation. What an unmerited honor. And yet He is the One truly consoled, as we walk with Him now to Calvary, and neither of us are alone.
But remember-- none of this is possible without Love. Trust, hope, faith, surrender, unity... every virtue that sanctifies our weakness must spring from the same Source that first sanctified them, and He Is Love Himself. THAT'S how He did it. That's all you need to know. It's enough.


""And why should I say, Father, save me from this hour? when for this cause I am come to this hour." ...The sense of our Lord's words is this: "When a man feels a fear of a sudden or violent death, it is natural to him to cry out, "Father, save me from this death!" for he hopes that the glory of God and his welfare may be accomplished some other way, less dreadful to his nature: but why should I say so? seeing that I am come into the world for this very purpose, that I might die this violent death for the sins of mankind,  and have almost arrived at [that] hour of My crucifixion."...Christ teaches here a lesson of submission to the Divine will: "Do with Me what Thou wilt, so that glory may redound to Thy Name.""
I think the important takeaway here is that, even though Christ had DECIDED this exact death BEFORE HE WAS EVEN INCARNATED, and KNEW even then what it would entail, AND had been expecting and foretelling it throughout His earthly ministry... even with a settled purpose and will and determination, He was still afraid. He STILL felt fear in His humanity, and although it did not change His mind, He did not spurned or reject that internal suffering. He simply met it with unshakable charity. There is deep consolation in that for us... as well as a terribly profound moral responsibility.
Jesus knew there was only one way God would be glorified in Him, and therefore it must be done, regardless of fear. If we, then, are morally certain of what we must do or not do in order to glorify His Name, then there is no other option. If we know His Will, we must do it. This is the greatest sacrifice, and it requires the greatest love-- because only love can sacrifice.



101523

Oct. 15th, 2023 10:04 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


HAPPY SUNDAY IT'S 230PM BREAKFAST TIME 😂
Seriously though i don't mind. I'm used to fasting thanks to God's training. Remember yesterday's VOTD about discipline!
Today had been gorgeous, and I thank God for that too.

Dream with grandma wanting "chicken pancakes". So realistic that as soon as I woke up I googled recipes for it haha.
But... honestly I think I've been dreaming about her every night for weeks now. It wasn't like this last year. And... it's so strange. In our dreams, we're always at the homestead, but the era is very starkly different: either we are a child, around age 6-7, or we are in 2021-2022, when she was in home hospice. In both cases she is still bedridden, but she's... not dying? She's not in pain. We're still taking care of her in the dreams, but she is smiling and talking and lucid; it's not like the last days actually were, when her awareness of both self and space was visibly deteriorating from the cancer.
...It feels like God is giving me a "second chance." We weren't conscious for the entire time grandma was ill; we were still "dead" post-CNC, and God only knows who was fronting. So memory only starts to pick up in late 2021, I think? Whenever we started listening to Larnelle Harris and hanging clothes on the porch at night with WVIA jazz playing in the background. They're very broken memories, like looking through someone else's brain from behind, but they're real flashes. Nevertheless, they are very sparse.
But... the point is this. We didn't get to care for her. We weren't ABLE to care for her; we were addicted and abusive and absolutely incapable of doing good for anyone. We didn't even wake up until half a year after she died. And... now, suddenly, when we ARE aware and conscious and SANE for the first time in freakin' YEARS... God is giving us these dreams. We're able to see her, even though we don't "remember" her. It's so strange. We see snippets of childhood, and that house, and it's like photographs that we only saw once suddenly come to life.
But we're grateful. Whether or not we actually remember our body's chronological history, it happened, and it affects us whether we realize it or not. So God giving us these nighttime "visits" is a real grace.

 
Beautiful post-rain winter sky upon waking, like a big silver fluffy blanket. It was shockingly lovely to see. I lay there with CZ for a bit and just looked at it.

Needed TWO glucose at church today, but didn't feel super sick, just cold & so lightheaded the room was wobbly and my sense of proprioception was failing, haha. That happens when the glucose drops!

CCD kids stopped in between Masses! Impressed and deeply humbled by how simply yet piously Maryann P teaches them the basics. I have a lot to learn, and a lot of foolish pride to lose, if I ever want to teach children too.

MARVELOUS HOMILY. "Choose carefully!!" Fr. P gets SO ZEALOUS i love it so much. He is on fire for the faith.
Basilica broadcast had a good homily too! Tied all three readings together!

HOMESTEAD SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN. IT'S ALL AUTUMN LEAVES.
I absolutely NEED to go up there one day to help work & soak it all in.
Nabbed a pear!

Jade crying over Pepper still missing.
Had a good honest human talk today though. No zany stuff.

1234 on microwave activated Audrey's radio, haha
Did I mention we CAN see her, roughly? I need to make an avatar for her. But she's BRIGHT ORANGE. She has short hair, is a bit chubby, and she always wears big over-ear headphones. She's young, too, maybe only 13. She doesn't talk much, she communicates through music or gestures mainly; when she does talk it's quiet & brief but notably aware & intelligent for her age. She's so sweet, though. We all like her a lot.

"Laurie-analogous" protector slots for EACH color???
Spice thinking about this
Discriminating her function from both Lynne & Adelaide despite close colors

None hour prayers about loving God. "I love You, Lord, my strength, my protection, my Savior," etc. Hit me that I still don't have that personal and close a relationship with Jesus. I'm still both too scared, and too self-dependent??? Which is ironic as I am totally helpless and stupid and I KNOW it. But its learned instinct from childhood. I need to unlearn it. Even better, I need to have a "NEW CHILDHOOD" IN CHRIST!!!

Etymology bliss= learning "claudere" root words!
Honestly when I learn more about the "skeletons" of language it's like a whole new world opens up. I can recognize the bits and pieces in common words all of a sudden, and even guess the meanings of new ones. It's such a wonderful feeling. I get that too when I can properly read Greek or Hebrew letters, which I am getting better at but very slowly, as I'm not actively studying right now due to all my time being dedicated to Scripture study outright. Nevertheless, it involves both languages inevitably, so I'm still getting some knowledge here and there. I treasure it.

We contacted YouVersion help finally. Apparently there are a LOT of known unresolved bugs, so thank God for telling us to be patient and Compassionate and not quit in a snit.
On that note it paid off already-- today we VERY SUDDENLY got back TONS OF PRAYERS that have been assumed deleted for MONTHS??? So hopefully they're NOT all gone, just glitched. Thank You God, and please forgive our stupid impatience. Thank You for not giving up on us; help us to never give up on others, either.

Think8:7 KVOTD intro actually made me laugh out loud. I always enjoy their vids, them and Word of Life.

Evening =

Family donated food. Uncontrollable panic.
Destructive binge.

I am so sick and so scared.
All I want is Jesus.


prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
"It seems that there is an innate mystical impulse in all of us—an impulse that must be very strong if it is found even in religions that don’t possess the fullness of truth. Well, it “seems like” it’s in our nature because it is. St. Augustine said: “Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee.” The human heart longs (whether knowingly or unknowingly) for final union with God and the beatific vision consists in exactly that."

We're literally wired for heaven. That gives me so much hope. I feel so dead inside lately, but I'm still human, and that means God put this impulse in me even if I can't sense it right now. I wouldn't be typing this if it wasn't still working, whether sensibly felt or not.

"We can tap into mystical realities right here on earth through prayer... While the higher levels of mystical prayer—such as “unitive” prayer—take time to acquire (and not everyone will achieve the same levels), the pathway is open to us all. We can embark on it and follow that impulse towards God which He has planted in all our hearts."
 I really, really need to understand prayer better.
My kneejerk definition is too mangled by childhood punishment and obligation; it doesn't properly grasp this beautiful, transcendent, mystical aspect of it that is apparently its TRUE DEFINITION to begin with.
Part of me is also very scared at that statement that "not everyone will achieve the same levels," but that part of me is the terrified hyperachiever, the one that believes that if she doesn't reach the absolute highest level of prayer and enlightment that she will be damned to hell for not trying hard enough. She takes religion, strips it of all love and tenderness, and turns it into a rat race. "I must be the best, the strongest, the smartest, or I WILL DIE." Where the heck did we learn that?? Especially with our faith??
Nevertheless, we know it's false, so now we just need to learn the actual Truth better, and integrate it, as I keep emphasizing. It's one thing to "know" what we must do or mustn't do; it's a whole other thing to make it an actual part of our psyche and active life. Application is the toughest part, as it springs from the internal environment, and if our new and better spiritual aspirations don't have actual roots inside they will never be realized.


"But be careful... many religions and pseudo-religions talk about mysticism. Only the Catholic Church, however, has the full truth and can teach us how to seek it properly. Non-Catholic mysticism is spiritually dangerous."
THIS IS WHAT I KEEP TRYING TO GET ACROSS TO "JADE."
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay jumping right into commentary as we're late.
HOWEVER. We technically finished Ellicott last night BUT I want to detour through MacLaren's commentary on Isaiah 53:1. I want a better grasp on that prophecy-- notably the "arm of the Lord"-- because I don't quite get it yet plus I've heard anti-Jesus opinions on it, so I need to strengthen my true faith foundation as it's essential to my understanding this verse's application to John 12.


"It would be doing violence to the gradual development of Revelation-- like tearing asunder the just-opening petals of a rose-- to read, into this question of the sad prophet, full-blown Christian truth; but it would be missing a clear anticipation of that truth to fail to recognise the forecasting of it that is here."

Just noting this very wise and important distinction.
BOTH sides are present in prophecy. It is God's Word and so it is LIVING & ACTIVE, especially since preserved in Scripture. It holds meaning for times far beyond the one in which it was first given, WITHOUT DETRACTING FROM THAT ORIGINAL INTENDED IMPORTANCE.
Isaiah spoke specifically to his time and people and that WAS GOD'S INTENT... but so was the later application to His Son, Who IS for all eternity, and Who was Present then just as He is now.


"[The] Old Testament [contains] some very remarkable phenomena in its modes of conception and speech as to the divine Nature (angel, face, name, arm, wisdom, etc.)... They all tend in the direction of preparing for the full Christian truth of the personal ‘Power of God.’ What was shown by glimpses ‘at sundry times and in divers manners,’ with many gaps in the showing and much left all unshown, is perfectly revealed in the Son. The New Testament, by its teaching as to ‘the Eternal Word,’ endorses, clears, and expands all these earlier dimmer adumbrations. That Word is the agent of the divine energy, and the conception of power as being exercised by the Word is even loftier than that of it as put forth by ‘the arm,’ by as much as intelligent and intelligible utterance is more spiritual and higher than force of muscle. The apostolic designation of Jesus as ‘the power of God and the wisdom of God’ blends the two ideas of these two symbols(!). The conception of Jesus Christ as the arm of the Lord, when united with that of the Eternal Word, points to a threefold sphere and manner of His operations, as the personal manifestation of the active power of God. In the beginning, the arm of the Lord stretched out the heavens as a tent to dwell in, and without Him ‘was not anything made that was made.’ In His Incarnation, He carried into execution all God’s purposes and fulfilled His whole will. From His throne He wields divine power, and rules the universe. ‘The help that is done on earth, He doeth it all Himself,’ and He works in the midst of humanity that redeeming work which none but He can effect."
Oh man we just started and this is phenomenal, pun intended.
First, this is part of HOW Jesus is the "fullness of God." He IS the Face, Name, Arm, and Wisdom of God, and arguably the "angel" too, in the sense of a divine messenger. But all of those terms in the OT only described facets of God, the way colors do in our System. They ALL show truth, absolutely, but not all the truth at once. This reflects how, by us mortals, God is only ever seen in His different colors, depending on how His Light hits our dim and limited eyes. There are different perspectives of viewers, different contexts of action, different times and purposes and effects... no one CAN see all of Him, it's impossible. He's Light in its totality. He's too infinite! AND YET... somehow, ineffably, Jesus is the Light, too. Jesus is a rainbow. Jesus is every color at once,
...
Second, the Arm AND the Word are ONE. There's immense beauty & awe in that. His Power is perfectly revealed without "force"? He speaks and the impossible is done. His Wisdom IS His Power, and His Power IS His Wisdom.
That illustration, of the "arm" doing what we normally associate with the "Word," proves this.
...
Third, and directly building on the second, we have the "threefold sphere." I had to really think about that: how is it three? It's because of the Incarnation.
Jesus is PERSONAL. He is VISIBLE. He is TANGIBLE! That had NEVER happened before in all existent history. God had always been at an infinite distance. Then, suddenly, Jesus.
NOW the fullness is seen. The Wisdom and Power unite IN SPACE & TIME.
...


"We have here a prophetic paradox that the mightiest revelation of the arm of the Lord is in weakness. The words of the text stand in closest connection with the great picture of the Suffering Servant which follows, and the pathetic figure portrayed there is the revealing of the arm of the Lord. The close bringing together of the ideas of majesty and power and of humiliation, suffering, and weakness, would be a paradox to the first hearers of the prophecy. Its solution lies in the historical manifestation of Jesus... That humble man, lowly and poor, despised and rejected in life, hanging faint and pallid on the Roman cross, and dying in the dark, seems a strange manifestation of the ‘glory’ of God, but the Cross is indeed His throne, and sublime as are the other forms in which Omnipotence clothes itself, this is, to human eyes and hearts, the highest of them all. In Jesus the arm of the Lord is revealed in its grandest operation. Creation and the continual sustaining of a universe are great, but redemption is greater. It is infinitely more to say, ‘He giveth power to the faint,’ than to say, ‘For that He is strong in might, not one faileth,’ and to principalities and powers in heavenly places who have gazed on the grand operations of divine power for ages, new lessons of what it can effect are taught by the redemption of sinful men."

Oh dude I think I get it.
God's power is made perfect in our weakness because we can do nothing without it. We need God just to survive. We lack everything, but He gives everything-- and therefore His capacity of goodness stands in brilliant contrast to the dark emptiness of our mortal corruption.
...Julie and I frequently mention this principle. God can easily keep a virgin pure unto heaven, and beautifully so He does... but in all its shocking impossibility, it is more of a blessed miracle for Him to turn a whore into a saint. And He DOES. And He DELIGHTS in it.
THAT'S what this revelation is about. The true power of God's Arm cannot be seen unless it is tested in extremis, if we may use that term. It is only when all the odds & chances are stacked against it, and all the usual means & methods missing, that the divine Arm CAN work miraculously by its OWN POWER ALONE.
That greatest miracle is, indeed, salvation. Nothing in the entire universe could achieve it. So God Himself went even to the lowest point possible and THERE is where the impossible was wrought. Not even the angels could imagine that. Only God.
...


"We have here a prophetic lament that the power revealed to all is unseen by many. The text is a wail over darkened eyes, blind at noonday. The prophet’s radiant anticipations of the Servant’s exaltation, and of God’s holy arm being made bare in the eyes of all nations, are clouded over by the thought of the incredulity of the multitude to ‘our report.’ God had indeed ‘made bare His arm,’ as a warrior throws back his loose robe, when he would strike. But what was the use of that, if dull eyes would not look? The ‘report’ had been loudly proclaimed, but what was the use of that, if ears were obstinately stopped? Alas, alas! nothing that God can do secures that men shall see what He shows, or listen to what He speaks. The mystery of mysteries is that men can, the tragedy of tragedies is that they will, make any possible revelation of none effect, so far as they are concerned. The Arm is revealed, but only by those who have ‘believed our report’ does the prophet deem it to be actually beheld. Faith is the individual condition on which the perfected revelation becomes a revelation to me. The ‘salvation of our God’ is shown in splendour to ‘all the ends of the earth,’ but only they who exercise faith in Jesus, who IS the Power of God, will see that far-shining light. If we are not of those who ‘believe the report,’ we shall, notwithstanding that ‘He hath made bare His holy arm,’ be of those who grope at noonday as in the dark."
Once again we have the critical emphasis on FAITH, as the ABILITY TO SEE TRUTH AT ALL.
"Incredulity" means to be "incredulous"-- which etymologically means not just "unbelieving," but "not trusting." You CANNOT believe if you don't TRUST what you perceive... or, worse, if you are preemptively unwilling to. When God bares His Arm and you refuse to even look in the first place, then you're very lost.
Again we are also warned against the spiritual laziness of presumption in lukewarm believers. Yes, God is omnipotent, but He is not obligated TO do everything, especially when your God-given freewill is concerned. God will not force you to listen. God will not magically make you hear. If you sit there complacent & indolent, uninterested & unconvinced, nothing will ever "automatically" happen to change you into what God is calling you to be. You have to CHOOSE to cooperate. God offers grace, but it does as much good as a wallet does locked in a closet when the bills are due. You must ACT. Otherwise, you will lose it. The vermin will find your fortunes and eat all its power away. You get the picture. You CANNOT EXPECT GOD TO "CHANGE YOU FOR YOU." You cannot expect to be miraculously "saved at the last second" if your whole life until then was carelessly spent in a completely different direction.
...
But no matter how much a man may deny, reject, ignore, disbelieve, or disregard "the report"... man cannot change the Truth. God has spoken, whether you want to listen or not, and God's Word is alive. It WILL accomplish EVERYTHING is sets out to do. That Word IS JESUS CHRIST. Do you believe in Him?
Let me reiterate.
"Faith is the individual condition on which the perfected revelation becomes a revelation to me."
...
Lastly, "The Arm is revealed, but only by those who have ‘believed our report’ does the prophet deem it to be actually beheld."
Remember yesterday, when we talked about "seeing" Christ, and "gazing upon" Him? THAT is "beholding" Him. You can ONLY see Christ if you BELIEVE HIS REPORT that He IS the "Arm of God." You cannot behold what you do not perceive. You cannot perceive what you do not look at, and you cannot look at what you do not trust is there. In the end, faith is the key to all awareness & knowledge both.
...


Okay we're rambling. I really can't think straight away from a keyboard; phone typing is always dreadfully depreciated.
But I get it now. Thank You God for always speaking such clarity through Mr. MacLaren.

On to Adam Clarke.

"As our Lord and his disciples lived on charity, a bag or scrip was provided to carry those pious donations by which they were supported. And Judas was steward and treasurer to this holy company... But the apostle says Judas was a thief; and because he was a thief, and had the common purse in his power, therefore he stole as much as he conveniently could, without subjecting himself to detection. And, as he saw that the death of Christ was at hand, he wished to secure a provision for himself, before he left the company of the apostles."
Oh man so his ENTIRE PERSPECTIVE WAS FLAWED. He never planned to stick around if/when Jesus died-- because Judas was only in it for an earthly profit, hence his preoccupation with money, to "secure himself" when "everything fell apart." As if cash could save his soul! But evidently he was giving no thought to his soul to begin with-- otherwise he wouldn't have been stealing, a blatant sin worsened by the fact that not only were said funds meant to benefit others, but also because he KNEW deep down that he was sinning, because he did it secretly, aware of the risk of damaging his reputation. But again, what a truly wretched reputation, as it was polished by lies! God could see the rotten core.
Just... the NERVE, the cold-hearted gutlessness Judas displayed, in ALREADY HAVING DECIDED TO BAIL and shamelessly padding his exit with everyone else's skins.
The worst part for me is that word "conveniently." Easily. Casually. In ways that were opportune & favorable for him. Like it was a game. His conscience had to be so numb, the very thought of it is frightening.
But we've been there. Lest we forget, we WERE Judas once. That's WHY we shudder in horror and indignance at his actions: we wrought the very same, once. It is by grace alone that our intestines did not burst out of our hellbent stomach years ago.
Honestly, to this day i don't know why we didn't end up dead like that traitor of our Lord. It's a complete mystery. But God knows. All I can do is thank Him, and repay my debts with all I have left of my life.


"As long as Lazarus lived, the opponents of Jesus saw in him an incontestable proof of the Divine power of Christ; therefore they wished to put him to death, because many of the Jews, who came to see him through curiosity, became converts to Christ through his testimony..."
Lazarus's very life had become a testimony of Jesus as Christ, to the point where just seeing him was proof of the divine power that had worked in him. That is really the ideal goal of every Christian. It's dangerous, but that's the point! I would rather be actively hated for "incontestably" proclaiming Christ by my daily existence, than safe and overlooked because my life says nothing to His glory. Lazarus was only alive BECAUSE Jesus had undeniably and permanently exercised His divine Power on him in a state of death. His life now WAS Jesus, in a very real sense. Did not Jesus also call me four-days-dead from the tomb? Should not my life now be solely for Him, as it is solely from Him? Yes, yes it must be. My every breath must become a testimony to Life Himself.

"The final salvation of the soul often originates, under God, in a principle of simple curiosity. Many have only wished to see or hear a man who speaks much of Jesus, His miracles, and His mercies; and in hearing have felt the powers of the world to come, and have become genuine converts to the truths of the Gospel..."
On that note, consider the evangelization Lazarus achieved with no intellectual effort or acrobatics. People simply came to see the dead man who was no longer dead. They knew he had been buried and rotting, they knew he was already in the obituaries, they had grieved his loss and accepted his fate. And yet... here he is, breathing, speaking, living. Of course they wanted to see this with their own eyes-- they recognized a deep hope made manifest in him, a hope that perhaps nothing is beyond hope itself, that death in all its forms is not final. They came to see Lazarus... but, unexpectedly, they saw Jesus. It was inevitable. It was undeniable. From this walking miracle they learned the Name of the Miracle-Worker, and in that faithful revelation, their hearts, too, were quietly called to a new life.
People who saw you in the sepulchre will be stunned to see you standing now. They will want to know what happened. You must tell them Who the Answer Is. That is the strongest evangelization you can do.

"How blind were these men not to perceive that He who had raised him, after he had been dead four days, could raise him again though they had slain him a thousand times?"
Do not be afraid of those who seek to drag you back down into the dark. Do not despair at nights like tonight, when you can taste the grave-dirt and fear that stone rolling between you and the light once again. The Light is within you now. He has gone down into the grave with you, and it could not-- cannot-- hold Him. Even if they kill you a thousand times, Life is unkillable, and that Life Who called you into Himself will keep you safely there even when your body finally fails. Trust in Him. Live for Him. Death has been defeated. What can mortal man do to me?



101423

Oct. 14th, 2023 09:48 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


Dream hack right before alarm. Threw me off so bad.
It felt like being sniped. The worst part is that I was TALKING TO CZ at the time so he SAW me brace for the hellish impact and he couldn't do anything. He was just as shaken and sick as I was.

Late start day, for that reason and also weakness & cold.
Vacuumed the house to wake self up. Said the Saint Michael chaplet at 7 bike resistance to warm up and start the day for real with prayer & protection.
Oh!! WAFERS released a video literally the minute we were about to pray, that we watched immediately-- it was Fulton Sheen talking about GUARDIAN ANGELS. We had never heard that talk of his, and it HIT HARD. Completely changed our perspective on it. We need to find and watch that whole talk now.
He even referenced Matthew 16:25-26, which is EXACTLY what we're currently studying in John. So God is handing this to us very specifically, very pointedly. We must then pursue this line of spiritual education. It is literally essential.

God making me weaker and sicker with age is actually FOR MY GOOD because it now FORCES me to rely on HIM rather than on my own strength, which I used to do.

God reminding me that the System is "the colors of my soul" and that we MUST exist and worship TOGETHER to do so AS A WHOLE SOUL. seems obvious but this "singlet forcing" is suicidal and scarily prevalent.

At Mass=
Got there early, ran to confession! I was very unstructured but I mentioned my inner struggles with prayer fatigue and tendency to despair over past sins.
I was upset that I didn't have time to examine my conscience-- I just ran in as it was last minute. But now I'm motivated to do so thoroughly so thank You Holy Spirit.

Going up the stairs i glimpsed INFI again, unexpected but clearer than I've seen hir yet since hir death. Ze's still intangible, and in an unmappable floating space that can't be accessed at will-- such "bubbles" you must be brought into. But... I saw hir. Not entirely, of course-- I havent since hir death. But today I saw hir WINGS-- and they have CHANGED. They are now stained glass??? It's achingly beautiful. They're smaller, more elegant, streamlined.
I said, "but won't they be fragile?"
Ze turned to look at me with that eye, like a bouquet of lilies, and said, "shouldn't I be fragile?"
It pulled my heart like a harp again. It's unreal. I ONLY FEEL EMOTIONS AROUND HIR.
I know ze said something else in response, one more line. But I can't remember it. I think it had to do with color.
Nevertheless... ze IS changing, truly and deeply. They ARE being reborn in Christ like the rest of us, slowly but surely. They ARE being freed from their past, because they are forgiven, and as we accept that more completely, as a whole, then we ALL will be changed into a new life and beauty too.

Due to rain & autumn, the church was darker & colder then usual, and it immediately brought a surge of CHRISTMAS feelings to my heart, powerful and heady. But I found i was scared to feel that joy?? I was so tense and anxious, it felt dangerous to calm down & relax into that "I'm home" feeling of this season specifically manifest in the church. But once I noticed this resistance, I LET GO. For a minute or two, I opened my heart to it and let it fill me. The peaceful joy was so sincere it was hard to comprehend. I felt alien to it. Why? Still, I chose to stay in it, to accustom my soul to it again, as it had been in childhood. I reminded myself that Heaven is all joy & peace & safety in Christ, so I must not resist it even now. I must learn to be okay with being happy, healthy, and safe. Otherwise I will keep resisting Jesus's consolation, mercy, and forgiveness. That is literally fatal.
I don't know how I got so morbidly stuck in fear, but God does, and He WILL help you, so pray to Him to do so.

I was also suddenly so aware of Jesus in the Tabernacle during the Gloria today. I sang it directly to Him.
All our devotionals and studies are truly enriching our knowledge and faith in the Real Presence. This is amazing and it REALLY gives me joy that I CAN FEEL. Thank You God so much for this amazing grace!! Please continue to deepen our belief, reverence and love for Your Son in the Blessed Sacrament, especially when we receive Him. You deserve everything we can offer you and infinitely more. Please help us to give all we are to Him in love, as He has done so for us.

Beautiful new song to sing today. Here, listen!

Bizarre irritable apathy before dinner??? Felt utterly alien. Probably social overwhelm.
Debilitating depression after dinner though. Destroyed our motivation to exist even. Almost binged from sheer careless deadness. Took an hour to get the energy to say Rosary. Made mistake of looking for safe food online and getting an eyeful of bitter entitled reviews & mindless consumer mentality.
Prayer gave some hope again. That's what's REAL, not this sham of a culture.

So exhausted. Feel horrible. Possibly getting legit sick.



prismaticbleed: (angel)



Universalis rich today =

"Lord God, living light of eternal love, grant that, always aglow with charity, we may love you above all else and our brethren for your sake, with one and the selfsame love."
I will admit, that distinction is something "I" struggle with.
For a very, very long time, I was convinced that in order to love God, I had to reject everything and everyone else. I "wasn't allowed" to love ANYTHING BUT GOD. I couldn't have friends, or relationships, or family ties. I was only allowed to have God. I never realized this was, ironically, violently anti-Christian.

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More Ellicott. His insights are marvelous.

"The conditional form, “If I be lifted up,” answers to the “troubled soul” of John 12:27. He knows that it will be so, but He leaves the future to declare its own truths. Compare the phrases, “If it be possible,” “If this may not pass away from Me”.
Could that "if" also be crushing human pride as an example for us? Even Jesus isn't acting as if He assumed effortless obedience. To deny His real struggle, DESPITE HIS UNSHAKABLE WILL, would have been dishonest.
...

"The word “draw” occurs... in a moral sense.  It is accomplished in the work of the Holy Spirit, whose mission to the Church was dependent on the ascension of our Lord; and the promise is fulfilled even in the case of those who resist the Holy Spirit’s influence. They are drawn by the moral power of the life and death and resurrection of Christ brought home to them by the Holy Ghost; but no moral power can compel a will which is free. The whole mission-work of the Church and every effort which Christianity brings to bear upon the evil of the world implies this moral drawing; and implies, too, the power of man to reject it. But we may not say this moral power is not leading men to Christ, where we can least trace it, and we may not say that there is any limit where its influence ends."
That word PROMISE is stunning. Jesus said He would draw all men, and in His very saying it became true. NOTHING can contest it. ALL men will be subjected to that drawing of the Spirit, in one way or another, at some point in their life.
No one can see the wind, but we see where it blows, by the effects it has on the world. So too the Holy Spirit.
We might think some poor man a lost cause, with a heart like a fortress of iron, but the Spirit can still find a way to draft through the smallest crack, and no one will know or expect it until suddenly, there is fresh air in the stagnant shadow, awakening living hopes that the barricaded soul didn't realize it had.
Still, even then, that soul is not compelled to open its gates to the wind. That soul might even find the drafty spot and hammer more iron across it. That is the awful liberty given to the human will-- that we can reject even the influence of God!!
THAT, however, is His ONLY "limit," and only because He CHOSE to thereby limit HIMSELF of His OWN WILL. God does not want cold compulsion. God does not want grumbling obligation. God wants joyful obedience, like a child to his Father; God wants that childlike response of warmly selfless love. God draws; He never drags, and if we feel so it is only because we are at war with our own wills. It means the Spirit it gently yet firmly guiding us, and we are effectively throwing a tantrum.
...
Another thought= what IS the "moral power" THAT draws? What is that lovely fragrance? What is that soothing breeze? It is CHRIST. It is the Truth of the Love and Power of His Life, His Death, and His Resurrection to save, justify, redeem, and free us. Like the very air we breathe, the effects of His Incarnation are omnipresent, whether we take notice or not-- but once we do, once we truly get a taste of that mountain air, we have a choice. Once we have known, however faintly, its tangible beauty & vitality & sweetness & promise of life... we can either pursue that higher joy with hopeful faith & courage, willing to risk whatever it takes if it means living in that promise... or we can deny the truth we glimpsed, deny that we were drawn at all, and go back to inhaling our fallen smoke & smog.
The wind will still find us, though. It cannot stop blowing throughout the world, by its very nature. You will have many more chances to change your mind, as long as you don't numb your very senses to it through obstinate refusal. That alone is your doom-- God Himself will not heal you from it then, for you have shut Him out at will.
...


"Who is this Son of man?” they would say. “We know who is the Son of man who is to abide for ever, but this Son of man who is to die we know not.” The words express that they are wavering in their attachment to Him... The words are remarkable as throwing light upon the sudden changes of feeling which swayed the multitude from the pole of faith to that of rejection. They heard words from Christ or saw works done by Him which carried conviction to all minds; but then there came some technical interpretation of an Old Testament passage declaring what the Messiah was to be, and in the cooler moments, when no word was speaking to the ear and no work presented itself to the eye, this test seemed fatal to the claim, and disbelief took the place of belief, and hatred that of love."
The fickleness of human emotion is honestly terrifying. This is why beloved Proginoskes reminded us what isn't an emotion, and what therefore is the only true basis for faith... love.
The use of "we know" is scary too, and ties into this. To know IS to love, with corresponding depth & direction & truth.
Why were they "attached," then wavered? Why did their feelings for Him change so suddenly? Because they did not include love... not for Him, at least; not in truth. Their "love" was only lust, and for power & prestige-- they "knew" their own idol of Messiah, a hope skewed by national pride and hatred of oppressors, a hope closed off to anyone but themselves. They wanted a King whose robes were red with the blood of their enemies, and a Kingdom that shut out everyone but themselves. Their hearts were full of self-love, and in their egoism they thought this was love of God. But they did not know Him, because their embittered hearts had no room for love and mercy. Like Adam of old, they defined God by His sheer power & authority, not by His patiently tender Heart-- as a Sovereign, but not a Father. They only knew half of Him, and so they couldn't recognize the FULLNESS of the Godhead Who was now speaking to them face to Face, with a love that was self-sacrificial, and able to die, because it was truly eternal.
...


"...it is not said that “He answered them,” because what He said (about the light) was not a direct answer (to their question about the Son of Man). They are asking questions in which we may trace the spirit, if not the very words, of the formal, literal objectors who had, with like technicalities, stifled the truth whenever it was springing up in their minds. Such questions cannot be really answered, because they are not really questions."
Again we see the frightful power of both the human will, and the extent of its corruption by original sin.
To nitpick religious truth is to mangle your conscience, and tear faith to pieces. The point is that you ONLY do this WHEN you feel faith & truth getting a foothold. That's when the fear-based resistance of "logic" kicks in, a inherently flawed defense because you are just a mortal with mortal knowledge; you only fling up these cavilling ramparts because you know you can't take the Truth down. You can only stop it from entering your fortress, and wait until it blows away.
This is why their questions aren't questions, but diversions. They're not trying to actually learn or clarify anything, they're just trying to get the wind to blow in a different direction, away from them.
Whenever people start arguing over technicalities, insisting on splitting hairs, they have closed their minds to anything but their own agenda.


"The better reading is, Walk according as ye have the lighti.e., “Walk as men who are conscious that the light is among them, use your opportunities; do not ask questions to raise objections, but ask them in order that you may know the truth.” The man who thus used the light would by no means walk in darkness, but would have the light of life. For him that neglected to use the means and faculty he had, both would cease to exist."
Today's Gospel said, "happy are those who hear the word of God and keep it!" Jesus reminds us that just hearing "was not enough: there must be a positive response." Like Mary, we must "treasure these things in our heart", but in order to "ponder them" there. When we become aware of the Light, we must ACT on that awareness. It isn't for us to suntan in. That's self-seeking again!! Instead we must recognize that this Light has blessed us with opportunities to walk IN it, in honesty and openness, and to therefore GO OUT ON THE ROAD to meet and help others, instead of staying shut-up at home like we would at night. The sun will set sooner than we realize, and then both the light and its opportunities will disappear, and it is only once the dark sets in that the idle will fully comprehend and grieve the significant loss of what they had neglected. It is a fact of nature, and so too of the spirit. "Night is coming when no one can work."


"Knoweth not whither he goeth.—The last word means “goeth away,” “departeth.” The frequent use of the word by St. John to express departure to the other world suggests that meaning here. He was going away. They ask, “Who is this Son of man who is lifted up,” “who goes away?” He warns them lest darkness seize them, and they go away into darkness."
THAT IS TERRIFYING.
He's basically warning them that, if they neglect & reject the Light-- if they fail to recognize and follow Him as Messiah-- then they would be seized by consequent darkness of spirit, a darkness that will ultimately drag them into death... of BOTH body AND spirit!!
Jesus IS Light AND Life. Without Him they have no hope of either, by the very definition of both-- a definition Whom they have disdained.
Jesus is literally warning them that there is a deeper darkness than they know, waiting to swallow their souls, and which He is offering them brilliant refuge and safe deliverance from.
Every human will eventually die and "goeth away" somewhere. Whether we go with the Son of Man into Light, or away from Him into darkness, is the choice offered to us all right now.
...Lastly, I just want to emphasize that word "seize"-- katalambánō. That is the scariest word here. It implies that the "darkness" of persistent ignorance and subsequent death is NOT some passive force. It means to "seize tight hold of, arrest, catch, capture"... to "aggressively take"– properly, take hold of exactlywith decisive initiative (eager self-interest); to grasp something in a forceful (firm) manner; (figuratively) to apprehend (comprehend), "making it one's own.""
There's a LOT of deadly depth here.
Let's take it at the most dangerous. Let's assume this what you CHOOSE in the darkness when you don't choose Jesus as your Light.
This implies that YOU are the "active force," that YOU are effectively doing the seizing, even subconsciously.
...
But... the second take isn't actually an alternative. It's synonymous. It's simultaneous.
When you "take hold" of the darkness, it is really you that is being seized.
Numbers 32:23.
...
(CONTINUE https://biblehub.com/greek/2638.htm)


"While ye have light, believe in the light.—Better, as above, According as ye have the light."
OH! This deepens the warning! It means that, just as you can only walk in the daylight when it shines upon you, you can only BELIEVE in the Light Who Is Christ when HE is "shining upon you" by grace!! If you NEGLECT that grace, you CANNOT BELIEVE ON YOUR OWN WILL, any more than you can make a replacement sun. Try as you might, even your best inventions will inevitably lack the Life that the True Light brings, and will ALL burn out and die. THAT is real darkness-- when even your "light" is as shadow.


"...the believer should become like unto Him in Whom he believed. Those who believed in the light should receive light, and become themselves centres whence light should radiate to others and illumine their own paths."
Likewise, "Whoever believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”
When Jesus changes us to be like Him, we become self-sacrificing like Him. We become living proofs of the Law of Life that IS Christ. We die in order to live, and we live in order to enliven others.
...


"...our Lord Himself had explained His method of teaching by parables, and has based it upon this prophecy of Isaiah 6 (Matthew 13:14). The principle was that which has been repeated in His last public words: that power used is increased, and power neglected destroys itself. Here, then, in these prophetic words, was the reason they could not believe. Wilful rejection had been followed by rejection which was no longer within the power of the will."
Remember the brain patterns, and the final withdrawal of grace long spurned. They are using the wrong power. They are choosing so resist, reject, deny, and avoid the Truth, to the point where its pattern has been burned in so deep it has scarred. Its "power" increased with each decision, until it was so powerful it overrode decision. On the other hand, the "power" of grace that was offered them by hearing Christ, the power TO respond in faith, to have hope, to open one's heart-- it was just as frequently and consistently neglected, and like a flower deprived of sunlight, it withered up and destroyed itself. No violence was done to it; there was no conscious offense taken towards its potential... it was just pushed into a corner, deemed unimportant, not a pressing issue, a "maybe later" or a "not today". It was unloved and so it was undone. Meanwhile the brutal engine of rejection kept picking up steam, until it could no longer be controlled.
I'm rambling. I just want to emphasize the essential importance of this principle, as it applies to our daily faith response. We still choose, you realize, every single moment, what powers we use and what powers we neglect. All virtues, all vices, follow this principle. Every choice or lack thereof has a lasting spiritual consequence. Be careful to discern where your will is losing its own power, as you neglect to use it to instead respond automatically. This is the prophet's warning. Your will is sacred, meant to serve God. Do not let the flesh gain power over it. Do not let that holy flower wilt away. You MUST CHOOSE to ACT ON GRACE, and you must KEEP CHOOSING. If you slack off, your heart will slowly but surely harden accordingly. It's not too late. Use the power God has given you in Christ!
"There is, indeed, a judicial blinding and a judicial hardening—let no man therefore presume; but these come only to eyes that will not to see, and to hearts that will not to hear—let no man therefore despair."
If all you have left is a sliver of will, use it to choose to see. Use it to choose to hear. I assure you, God will light that spark ever brighter with each use. Use your faith. Neglect your resistance. The principle can work in your favor, too, and better-- for love is always more powerful than fear. When you choose God, it means He has already chosen you, and if you stay faithful, He will work miracles to keep you. Do not despair.

To conclude with a note from Ellicott in Matthew 16:
"The words point to the obstinate, wilful ignorance which refuses to look on the truth, lest the look should lead to conviction, and conviction to conversion—the ignorance of those who love darkness rather than light because their deeds are evil... [in contrast, the Apostles] might see but dimly, and be slow of heart to understand, but, at least, they had eyes that looked for light, and ears that were open to the divine voice."
That speaks warning & consolation for itself. No more talking from me, I'm degenerating into platitudes again.


""And he that seeth Me seeth Him that sent Me" = The word means to see, in the sense of “behold, contemplate, gaze upon"... He that beholdeth Christ doth behold Him, and in Him beholds the impression of the substance of God."
This immediately makes me think of examples in human life. When we really "gaze upon" something, it is a willingly prolonged look, with the intention to take in further details, to better grasp the thing beheld. We contemplate it, taking it into ourselves, and why? Well. Think of the examples.
People gaze upon sunsets & sunrises, waterfalls & snowfalls, flowers & flames, stars & fireworks. They contemplate the beauty, the wonder apparent in it all. But people also gaze at other people. Spouses contemplate each other in their wedding garments. Parents contemplate their infant child. It's that same recognition of beauty and wonder, but this time it's saturated with love. And then we SEE.
THAT is how Christ wants us to look upon Him. He isn't asking for a glance, or a casual apprehension. He doesn't want logical staring, either. He doesn't want anything that begins and ends in the eyes... at least, not the ones on our face. We need to see Him with our heart. We need to SEE Him.
...

"It is clear that our Lord intends a distinction here between “saying” and “speaking.” ...That which He should say was the matter of the revelation which He made; that which He should speak was rather the method in which He made it. He claims for all the authority and commission of the Father. Every truth uttered by Him, and every work and word by which it was uttered, was ordained by the Father’s will. He was Himself the Word of God. Every tone and accent in which that Word spoke was divine."
NO EXCEPTIONS. This amazes me, but it makes sense to think about it. Jesus was fully God; He was the WORD of God!! So He COULDN'T speak an "idle word." Literally everything He said had divine purpose, in some way, by virtue of His very Nature IN speaking.



prismaticbleed: (angel)

Praying DVM Chaplet = said in unison with all those in threat of death or awaiting it inevitably, like prisoners & those in warzones. Felt their pleading fervently for that mercy in Christ. Understood exactly WHAT the chaplet is asking for and why and how.

Praying Rosary = images elicited GENUINE SOBS: notably Tissot's art of the Betrayal. I felt SO MUCH PAIN.
Sad face Jesus for 3 & 4 = CHILDLIKE. Deep sorrow with total innocent candor. Hurting Him, causing Him TO look so sad, is just as horrible as if they were ABUSING A CHILD.
Crucifixion with Mary reaching up still shatters my heart.


VOTD = Hebrews 12 & GODLY DISCIPLINE. "We learn to obey BY being corrected." When God disciplines us, He is SHOWING us His HOLINESS, and in so doing, is TEACHING US to be holy LIKE HIM. His discipline is ALWAYS good for us as a result, and it will always HAVE good results-- it gives us both righteousness and PEACE. Its ultimate end is ALWAYS to conform us more closely to God, and so MAKE US HIS CHILDREN, who He corrects AS an HONORABLE & LOVING FATHER.
SO, IF THE "DISCIPLINE" YOU GET FROM "GOD VOICES" DOES NOT TEACH YOU HOLINESS, HELP YOU DO RIGHT, OR GIVE YOU PEACE OF HEART, IT'S NOT FROM GOD!!!

ALSO discipline helps us to "finish what we started" AND "not give up on new efforts"?? So true discipline Involves ENDURANCE and PERSEVERANCE, and is NOT NECESSARILY PUNITIVE??????
It can come from INSIDE as a VIRTUE??? In any case it's TRAINING. It's not easy and shouldn't be. It's often tiring & painful. But without it NOTHING CHANGES.
⭐"We must be trained THROUGH discipline to CREATE GODLY HABITS that will then PRODUCE righteousness and peace in our lives"!!! And we do this by "allowing the HOLY SPIRIT to EMPOWER us and BUILD holy discipline" in us, step by step in cooperation!!! We do this by cultivating righteous daily habits & especially MASS, SCRIPTURE STUDY, PRAYER, and OBEYING GOD'S VOICE!!!
THE HOLY SPIRIT IS WHO REMINDS US OF GOD'S PROMISES TO THE FAITHFUL AND HE GIVES THOSE FAITHFUL THE STRENGTH TO ENDURE ALL CHALLENGES-- and THAT IS DISCIPLINE!!!!

KVOTD= "Are you scared to ask God for things? Or maybe you're worried that He won't hear you? He WILL answer you. Whether it's a big answer, or a small answer, or a "not yet"-- God IS listening. If you believe, and you are patient, you WILL see Him work in your life."
Oh man and THEN they ask, "What area of your life can you trust Jesus to use in miraculous ways?" The options are "My Generosity," "My Talents," and... "My PERSONALITY." Kids i legit did a double take, you mean JESUS CAN USE THAT???? FOR HIS PURPOSES?? Man that WOULD be a miracle... which means, I absolutely have to trust Him. Jesus is always willing & able to miracles, because they glorify God and cannot be (sanely) ignored or denied. But that's the kicker. Jesus won't work any if the people who would receive it have no faith in Him. That would defeat the holy purpose of the miracle, which is glorifying God: without faith, it's just a magic trick, or a phony show. And Jesus will NOT allow such irreverence, even passively.
So. If Jesus miraculously uses my personality for the Kingdom-- because He CAN-- it will only be BECAUSE I HAD FAITH THAT HE COULD, AND WOULD


Guided prayer =
"Pause for a moment and marvel that the Creator of the universe listens when you talk to Him."
But you know what? Of COURSE He does-- He IS LOVE, after all.
...I remember how I used to listen to grandma when she was in home hospice. I had my ears PINDROP ATTUNED to her every sound, especially the feeblest ringing of that bedside bell. I would RUSH to her side the instant I heard her plea, even if it was just a whimper. I never tired, even when I was exhausted. My heart couldn't get tired-- it was operating on love. God is the same way, I know it. He is always listening, attuned to every beat of our hearts, and always willing and able to respond with devoted swiftness. He even hears our silence, as it were-- He knows our prayers before we even think them. THAT'S how loving He is. THAT'S how well God listens to us.

Revelation 4:11 gutpunch of love= "Our Lord and God, You are worthy to receive glory, honor, and power. You created all things, and by Your decision they were created"; THEN the reflection "Read this verse again, and imagine God creating you."
...because He DID, you know. The eternally glorious, immeasurably powerful, infinitely honorable God and Lord of All, DECIDED TO CREATE ME. It's staggering.THAT kind of Divine Personality is WHO decided to speak me into existence-- I was no accident, nor was I the production of a malevolent or mischievous demiurge. No, THE ONE TRUE GOD WHO IS LOVE & LIGHT & TRUTH is Who created me.
Let that fact sink in, right into your bone marrow. I'm serious. Make your very blood from it.
...

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Ellicott continues with Jesus's powerful Words.

"Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die" = The truth is one of those of the spirit-world, lying beyond the ordinary language of men. He prepares them for it by what we call the analogy of a physical law, but what is really an instance of the working of the great law of life, which God has given to the moral and physical worlds alike. All knew that a grain of wheat, though containing in itself the germs of life, would remain alone, and not really live unless it fell to the earth. Then the life-germs would burst forth, and the single grain, in its own death, would give life to blade, and stalk, and ear of corn. Its death then was the true life, for it released the inner life-power which the husk before held captive; and this life-power multiplying itself in successive grains would clothe the whole field with a harvest of much fruit.
This law Christ now teaches to be a law also of the moral world, and one to which His own life is subject. Here too life issues from death. The moral power which IS the life of the world finds its source in the death of the Son of man. “He IS life.” “In Him is life.” “He quickens whom He will.” “Whosoever believeth in Him hath eternal life.” These truths this Gospel has told us again and again: but Christ now tells that while He is still on earth this life exists, but in its germs; and that in His death it will burst forth, and grow up, and multiply itself in the great spiritual harvest of the world. Such was the prophecy. The history of all that is best, and truest, and noblest in the life of [over twenty] centuries comes to us as the fulfilment [of His death]. Hearts hardened, sinful, and dead, that have been led to think of His death, have in thoughts of it have felt germs of life springing up and bursting the husks of their former prison, and growing up into living powers which have changed their whole being; this is the individual fulfilment that has come to many and may come to all."

Oh man where do I even start, this is gorgeously life-changing.
First. The spirit (moral!!) world and the physical world are BOTH REAL, are INHERENTLY CONNECTED and SHARE A BASIC LAW-- which is the LAW OF LIFE. The obvious stunning implication is that LIFE IS A LAW.
Second. Seeds hold germs of life by nature. BUT those germs ONLY COME FORTH IN THE GROUND!!! The outer husks HOLD IT CAPTIVE and MUST "DIE" before the INNER LIFE can flourish-- and Life MULTIPLIES BY NATURE; it CANNOT BE STOPPED.
Three. ALL things are subject to this Law, BUT THEREFORE ALSO to the paradox of death as impetus for bloom. Winter comes before spring, husks split before sprouts. But then what is THE germ of Life IN death, as a cosmic phenomenon? What is the ultimate Seed, waiting to be buried so that ALL things can be released to flourish infinitely? IT'S JESUS. HE IS THE SEED.
Fourth. ALL "good, true, and noble" things in mankind since the Cross ARE THE RESULT OF ITS LAW?? Before the Seed bloomed, WE WERE ALL DEAD because we had NO GERM in ourselves?? Is THAT what we lost by sin??? The Principle of Life, the very Law OF Life ITSELF, IS THE PERSON OF JESUS. He is TRUE MAN, and True GOD. Without Him, we were sunk-- blinded & deadened by sin, crushed by guilt, unable to flower, bereft of all color & beauty & perfume. Everything worth living for was shut up in that Seed, and only freed from the hull of death when Christ the Rose broke through the grave-dirt of sin for ALL mankind forever.
Fifth. THAT'S THE HARVEST. The Seed of Christ is IN EVERY MAN'S HEART by nature of His BECOMING man, and all we need to do is have FAITH ENOUGH in that fact to DIE TO SELF FOR HIS SAKE and therefore allow that germ to give us HIS LIFE. We become fellow-grains on His Stalk of Redemption, the Cross of Finest Wheat, the Harvest of Souls that become united in the Bread of Life, in His Body and Blood, in the Church.
...


"He that loveth his life loses iti.e., that the loss of life is not in the future only, but that in the present, in every moment when a man loves and seeks to save his own life, he is then, and by that very seeking, actually losing it."
That phrase "seeks to save his own life" doesn't just apply to survival, either-- especially not here. It really speaks of wanting to be your own Savior. No man has that power, and cannot have it, for man owes a debt he cannot pay. Christ alone can save us, and HAS saved us; to reject this out of pride and insist that you can do it yourself, by your own strength or smarts or subterfuge-- you are only damning yourself, literally.


"The words of this verse (12:25) are familiar to us from the earlier Gospels, and... are asserted as the law to which even His life is submitted. There is even in His human nature a physical and emotional life which would shrink from sacrifice and death, but in self-sacrifice and death is His own glory and the life of the world. There is in all human nature a principle which would seek as the highest good the life of the body and of the soul, as distinct from the higher life of the spirit, and [therefore] would shrink from sacrifice and death; but the true principle of life is of the spirit, and only in the sacrifice of the desires of the lower physical and emotional life is that spiritual life realised."
More inherent laws, tying directly into that original one of Life.
Human nature, having fallen from grace and in separation from the divine life, is ignorant of the reality of that very spirit-life, and in extreme cases denies or even condemns it outright. In all cases, unregenerate man is blind to the truth of their own existence, and so doomed to enslavement under lower desires. In this wretched state, the spirit-blind man has no understanding of that Law of Life, and so despite his unhappiness and misery, he will be terrified of death, which he sees as a complete cessation of existence, a literal dead-end with no hope or escape. This is why human nature shrinks from suffering-- Death's sister, so to speak-- and fears sacrifice, which IS a "death" on a different level. You'd think that fact alone would inspire some to suspect something greater going on, but no; terror is too powerful a tyrant.
Yet here is our seed. Here is our hidden germ. Here is how even a blind man can tap into the truth of that Law of Life that is the Gospel's heart... we must find our holy ground, our humus of humility, and bury our hard hearts beneath it. We must die without dying. We must sacrifice our lower life, surrendering it entirely, so it can lifted up and transformed into the truth.
But how do we do this? On our own we're powerless-- we're blind, we're tired, and we're afraid. We need faith. We need that first spark to be lit.
That spark is the Son of God.
Jesus the Light appears, and enables us to see. Jesus the Truth speaks, and enables us to hope. Jesus the Son of Man comes to us, and faces death head-on, and enables us to finally believe that yes, there is more to life than what we've known... and HE IS IT.



"The close connection of John 12:23-25 make it certain that the spiritual law of sacrifice is there applied to the life of our Lord Himself. This verse makes it equally certain that the law is applied to those who follow Him. The point of the whole teaching is missed unless we think of the Greeks as present. They had come as volunteer disciples. Did they know what the discipleship was? Were they prepared to follow Him in self-sacrifice, that through sacrifice they may obtain eternal life? It had been the condition of earlier discipleship. It is laid down for the new disciples, but in the presence of the older ones who, in the dark days that have now come, were to learn what sacrifice meant. The Greeks needed no less than the Hebrews to learn it; the men of a wider civilisation and more philosophic thought no less than the fishermen of Galilee and the scribes of Jerusalem. All self-seeking, whether in the coarser forms of pleasure and power or in the more refined forms of emotion and thought, is self-loving; [in direct contrast,] all self-sacrifice, whether in the daily round of duty to man or in the devotion of the whole self to God, is self-saving. Self-seeking is always akin to, and ofttimes one with, hatred of others; and hatred is death. Self-sacrifice is akin to, and one with, love to others; and love is life."
I apologize for all the formatting but WOW.
It sounds so obvious yet we somehow never connect the dots. To seek oneself is to focus on oneself, to prioritize oneself, ultimately to worship oneself... it is to be the object of one's own love. To do this is to exclude "the other" from your entire lifestyle, especially from your love, and therefore to hate the other as "intruder" and "obstacle," and directly or indirectly to seek their removal... even by force or by death. It all starts like Lucifer: to fall in love with one's own beauty, so that all existence becomes your rival. It's a living death. IT'S PRIDE.
What SHOCKS me is what this INCLUDES = pleasure is obvious, as is power, but emotion and thought??? How does THAT fuel self-seeking, especially towards fatal pride??
...
The horror of all this is contrasted, with immense consolation, by its holy opposite: self-denial, often called self-sacrifice.
...
But how is "seeking" the opposite of "sacrifice?" It's because seeking wants to have; it wants to cling, to own, to grasp, to hoard. It seeks in order to possess... but, ironically, its very seeking implies that it is perpetually empty. On the other hand... you cannot sacrifice what is not entirely yours. Here we already see a profound truth: in our very sacrifice of self, we find ourselves.
...


"If any man serve me, him will my Father honour" = The condition is the same as in the first clause of the verse ("if any man serve me"): the difference, which follows upon the condition, again brings out-- in the fulness of its meaning-- the law of life through sacrifice:
“If any man serve Me,” “let him follow Me” . . . “he that hateth his life in this world” = “If any man serve Me,” “him will my Father honour” . . . “shall keep it unto life eternal.”
The honour of the servant, after his work is done, is in the same relation to that work as the glory of the Son of man is to His work. This honour will consist in his being where the Son of man is; and this will be the Father’s gift."

To serve the Lord Jesus, we must follow Him. To follow Him, we must hate our life in this world. When we do this, since we are serving Jesus, and so God the Father will honor us-- and that's where it gets interesting. To "hate one's life in this world" means-- remember?-- to live a life of self-sacrifice.  This means we are living our worldly lives not for ourselves, but for God and for others. This is how we follow Christ, and following Him INEVITABLY LEADS TO THE CROSS... WHICH IS ETERNAL LIFE. Then we will be where Christ is forever, which is the highest possible honor, the gift of the Father Who GAVE His Son to us FOR this saving purpose.
...


"Now is my soul troubled" = The word rendered “soul” is the same word as that rendered “life in John 12:25. It is the seat of the natural feelings and emotions, and, as the fatal hour approaches, our Lord is, in that region of His human life, troubled. There is a real shrinking from the darkness of the death which is at hand. The conflict exists but for a moment, but in all its fearfulness is real, and then the cup of the world’s woe is seized and drunk to its bitter dregs. Men have sometimes wondered that St. John passes over the agony of the garden of Gethsemane, but the agony of Gethsemane is here, and the very words of Matthew 26:39 are echoed. Men have wondered, too, that in the life of the Son of man a struggle such as this could have had even a moment’s place. [Many] indeed, would at any cost read the words otherwise. But they cannot be read otherwise, either on the written page or in the hearts of men. That troubled Soul asked, “What shall I say?” Blessed reality! In that struggle humanity struggled, and in that victory humanity won... The moment of agony is the moment of victory.”
Until very recently, i was one of those fellows who struggled to accept that Christ actually and really struggled here. I thought it impossible for divinity-- and i was technically right. I just forgot that Jesus is also fully human. Yet, even more 'scandalous' than that-- I never even considered that such a troubled fear of approaching darkness and death IS NOT A SIN.
..."He who hates his life in this world shall keep it for eternal life." Jesus was demonstrating that in real-time, and there was NO "HATRED" OF HUMANNESS INVOLVED. He did not reject, disdain, or crush His "natural emotions" out of some religious zeal. No, He felt that weakness of ours fully, integrating that very frailty into His Passion, entering completely-- if only momentarily-- into that very real space of fear and trembling that all mortal men inhabit as their earthly end draws near, unable to see anything beyond that grim nightfall. Jesus felt it all, as man.
But. He did not "love His life" so much that He would seek to save it. He sought something else.
And THAT is the victory here. FROM that natural terror, Christ reached out and took the chalice Himself. He seized it and drank it, not with regret, but with ardor. He KNEW that this looming death, however frightful, was the key to unleashing the true Life He held within Himself, by which everyone else could be brought TO Life.
...
"Thy will be done." "Glorify Thy Name." THAT is what transmuted human trepidation to divine triumph, and it is what will bring even us mere men from fear to faith, from pride to humility, from death to Life. It is a surrender of self, a sacrifice of self, for the purpose of God, for the sake of others. It is entirely an act of Love. THAT is paradoxically "hating one's life in this world"-- because to live for this world is to live as one half-dead, and to reject the beauty of truth, which is the most hateful fate. But to live with one's heart tuned into the eternal, to the moral reality, to the truth of heaven-- then "hatred" doesn't happen at all; there's too much love to even think about anything but God. It is in this state of being that we bring the Kingdom of God to earth, that we serve His Creation properly, that we work for the real Good of all things, without ever getting tangled up in the temporal.
...But here, see, this is where Tilly starts blithering. She has already forgotten the point.
It's not nirvana. It's not the moon. It's not some dreamy happy place with rainbows and cupcakes. Did you forget God has His armies even in Heaven? Did you forget that to love is to sacrifice?
Even living FOR Love, in this world but not of it, we WILL still feel our "natural emotions," like pain & grief & fear, BECAUSE JESUS DID TOO!!!!!! Yes He overcame them by His perfect Charity, but He STILL SUFFERED AS ALL MEN DO. YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION.
Remember the Owl Witch. Remember the Moon King. Stripping yourself of emotion is NOT HOLY. CHRIST'S PASSION COULD NOT BE A PASSION IF HE DIDN'T FEEL EVERYTHING.
...
I'll come back to this. My head is too switchy to think straight now.


"The Son’s will is one with that of the Father; the Son’s glory is in the glorifying the Father’s name. Compare the opening clause of the Lord’s Prayer."
This is the definition of humility= seeking in ALL things to glorify God. Whether we are working, playing, eating, resting, writing, speaking, or thinking... our highest and constant goal must be to glorify God's Name. Remember Exodus 34: “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished..."  Are we witnessing to THAT in our every moment? Are we distinguishable as worshippers of-- even as CHILDREN of-- the God Who Is loving, faithful, forgiving, merciful, patient, kind, compassionate, and yet righteous and just? Do we Uphold His honor, glory, and beauty? Do we live by His Truth?
The second essential question is, do we actively surrender our wills to His? Are we willing to make sacrifices for His sake? Do we regularly study His Word and check whether our desires, inclinations, goals, and habits are in harmony with It?
Do we take Jesus as our model of self-surrender even in daily life? Of course we'll never be perfect, that's pride creeping in-- but do we consciously strive to follow our Lord's footsteps even if we still stumble over our own shoes? Are we carrying our Cross? 
...
...

"I have both glorified it, and will glorify it again.—The words are without limit, extending to the whole past and to the whole future of God’s revelation of Himself to man. The only limit in the context is that this revelation is thought of as in the person of Christ: His words, His works, His life revealing the mercy and love and majesty of the Father, had to many hearts glorified the Father’s name. The wider future is at hand. The death and resurrection are to reveal God’s character, and therefore glorify the Father’s Name to all the world."
The fact that the death & resurrection of Christ glorify the Father's NAME is amazing, again remembering Exodus 34:5-7. Somehow, ALL of God's character is MANIFEST in the work of the Cross.
I also love the reminder, simple yet profound, that Christ's very Person IS THE REVELATION OF GOD, and therefore Jesus is ALSO THE GLORY OF GOD, in and of Himself. In Him, purely by existence, God the Father is glorified beyond measure. That, too, implies that God's Name IS in Jesus.
...


"The fact that Saint John clearly means us to understand that a distinct voice spake from heaven does not forbid our understanding also that this voice was heard more or less distinctly, or was as a voice not heard at all, in proportion as the hearts of the hearers were or were not receptive of the Voice of God. To some it seemed but as natural thunder, but their own Scripture had taught again and again “God thundereth marvellously with His voice: great things doeth He which we cannot comprehend,” and the religious interpretation of nature hears everywhere the voice of God. Others, and these must have been Pharisees, recognise a voice which is more than that of nature or of man, and think that an angel hath spoken... There was that, then, which seemed to them but the thunder’s sound or an angel’s word, which, coming in answer to His prayer and after His teaching, should have been, to ears ready to hear and minds willing to receive, the voice of God witnessing to the mission of His Son."
More proof & demonstration of "believing is seeing/hearing," but with the huge clarification that the "belief" is synonymous with their RECEPTIVITY TO GOD.
I love that "religious interpretation of nature"  note, because that is something modern secular culture jeers at & mocks as infantile, whereas pagans skew it into seeing nature itself AS deity, which makes no sense in the long run. But it is actually fully Christian to hear God's Voice EVERYWHERE, and I needed that reassurance SO BADLY because I have been shamed & scared out of listening for far too long.
...
Also, that mention of the Pharisees is a great glimmer of hope. Although they were still stubbornly resisting Christ, their hearts were not totally closed off to God. They could, and did, still recognize something higher & greater than nature, something divine. This is so important for evangelization. God still has a place in their hearts, however small & confused, just like mine was for so long. There is always hope for growth.
...But we must be ready & willing.




101323

Oct. 13th, 2023 09:37 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)



Friday the thirteenth.
Really aching missing Josephina. But I know s/he HAS a potential rebirth seed STILL in Yellow.
I haven't seen him/her (yes their gender needs to stabilize and it's unsure) in a while, but they're in whatever "neither here nor there" floatspace that Infi is in. I think? Jo's in a more "dreamy" space; it's less "tangible" than wherever Infi is? And they COULD NOT MEET, I can feel that clearly. It's very strange.
Nevertheless, they aren't "dead," not "permanently." Their souls are too strongly loved, too important to us all, for them to disappear or even be recycled. They just need to wait until the good Lord decides they can resurrect, with new names and faces inevitably but still the hearts we know and love. Change is necessary, when a nousfoni dies. We know this. It doesn't make the loss any easier though.
Still. I am grateful for that. It means we aren't hardened to death, even though we have a hope of life afterwards. To be nonchalant about death, even a temporary one, would mean our own hearts were lifeless.


Notably more tired & weak today than usual. Run home was tough.

Last night= watched both Kubo and the Two Strings and The Tale of Princess Kaguya.
Kubo kept freezing and skipping chunks of the movie?? Some library discs do that and we don't know why. So we missed some important scenes, which was the worst bit-- almost for spite, it would freeze and skip at KEY POINTS in the film, notably three times during the ending.
Still, the animation was amazing and the "family" plotline really tugged at our heart; we've never had a family dynamic IRL, so that "mom & dad" togetherness is alien to us. Deep down I think some part of us wants it more than anything though, even though it's impossible.
...
Kaguya was unexpectedly lovely, but it hurt. Yes the beginning was VERY DISTURBING for us as a trauma survivor, solely because of the culture shock of casual nudity. But besides that, the art style was unexpectedly wonderful to watch, and I swear EVERY SCENE where they showed the sheer wild beauty of the Japanese countryside had us aching with affection. Nature is so beautiful, oh my gosh, the delicate details made it so much worse, we were almost in tears several times from the pure and simply beauty of existence portrayed on screen.
...
Both films emphasized the importance of human relationships and human emotions. Needless to say, both those topics have been a sword in our heart for months now.


REMEMBER LAST NIGHT= EMOTIONS WITH THE FLOWERS IN KAGUYA. All the blooming made me think so powerfully & instinctively of Infinitii. My heart instantly thought of Them standing there and it was so clear I could swear they were really there. I reached out towards them and I felt my heart absolutely MOVE. There's no other way to describe it it was an emotion so deep it was like an upheaval. In the instant I knew with complete conviction that "if I touched them, I would fall in love so hard it would kill me."

Evening =
Watched Song of the Sea.
SO MUCH CASUAL CATHOLIC IMAGERY. It was an intrinsic yet unstated part of the very landscape. It gave me such immense joy to see. I want that in the League.
Mac Lir weeping in anguish was like a sword to the chest. You NEVER hear men cry in movies, ESPECIALLY NOT THAT PAINFULLY. It did something to my heart. I needed it.
On a lighter note, I love the daoine sídhe trio, especially Lug, they were beautifully animated and wonderfully characterized.
Also WHY IS MY VERY SOUL ALWAYS ACHING FOR IRELAND??? It's been like this since at LEAST 2002!! Honestly I resonate with it SO HARD it hurts-- the landscape, the language, the music, everything. I don't know how to explain it.

Also I legit think we're getting sick. The weakness is worsening, as is the intestinal pain & nausea. It was so bad during breakfast we could barely eat. We feel flushed too. I hope this isn't bloody COVID again, seriously.
No fever though. Thank God.

I just looked outside at the grey-blue overcast twilight and thought, "It's Dunwall weather," haha. TIS THE SEASON.
Man but I miss that game terribly. That and NiER Gestalt. Just like Ireland, something in those games resonates so much with our heart.
Still, NOTHING BEATS KLONOA DTP. That's Jewel's heart. To this day, it resonates with more brilliance and joy and depth than anything else.
We really need to sit and play it all the way through soon. We haven't in many many years. If anything is going to remind us of who we were, back then before everything started to darken, that undoubtedly will.




prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
KVOTD= "Trust, faith, & obedience are God's recipe for joy." = "Have faith in His Goodness, call out to Him for help in prayer, and then believe & follow His Word."
It's so simple but so powerful. Yet it ALL banks on that FAITH. If you don't trust that God IS, and that He IS GOOD, then you will be literally incapable of joy.
BUT they unexpectedly tied this in to EXODUS 16:4??? "God heard the Israelites cry for help, even though it sounded like complaining." He was STILL AWARE OF THEIR NEEDS & WORRIES, and He was STILL GENEROUS IN PROVIDING-- but in the very provision He TESTED THEIR OBEDIENCE: would they follow His instructions concerning the provisions? THAT would reveal not just whether or not they were GRATEFUL, but mainly whether or not they TRUSTED HIM TO FULLY MEET THEIR NEEDS when THEY COULDN'T CONTROL THE OUTCOME. He limited their collection of manna and effectively forced them to surrender to the SUFFICIENCY of His Loving care instead of fearing that they would run out DESPITE His PROMISE that they would NOT.


We have SO MANY TABS open for Catholic articles & SO MUCH LEFT TO TYPE from yesterday, it's overwhelming. But we want to focus on John 12. We need the Gospel foundation in order to truly understand and properly speak about anything else in our religious walk.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I found this amazing reflection by Kristin Miller on the Mark 14 parallel to the opening of John 12=

"When Mary of Bethany broke her alabaster jar and anointed the head and feet of Jesus with her costly perfume, the disciples were indignant... Such valuable commodities were now lost... they complained. And they rebuked her. They rebuked her harshly for an act of love they deemed too costly. Waste! they cried. Jesus in turn rebuked His disciples and commended Mary. He will always commend love, especially, I think, when it is costly... Mary, in her Master’s estimation, just as she had chosen the best use of her time, had now chosen the best use of her treasures."
I appreciate the brutal phrase "valuable commodities." It really objectifies the act, an appalling take that highlights the wrongness of their grumbling... yet nowhere near as much as the word "lost." It's shocking-- to think that something, anything, given to Christ is "lost"!! It clearly reveals one's priorities and perspective, as to whether their treasure is on earth or in heaven.
DO we think this way?
...
This mortal mindset is also contrasted brilliantly with Mary's, when Jesus alone recognized and commends her act as one of love. The onlookers didn't see that. They were too blinded by temporal concerns of finance & reputation & worldly prudence. They were counting costs and calculating losses, only willing to approve or engage in acts of generosity that weren't too generous... after all, they didn't want to "waste" anything. 
This viewpoint seeps into one's heart like poison. Whenever you start counting the cost of giving, you become incapable of love.
...
There's no such thing as a "waste" when Love is concerned, because Love sanctifies it all. Regardless of how it is received, it is GIVEN, and that is what pours forth FROM GOD. Such a holy gift CANNOT be "wasted" because its very existence, its very bestowal & blessing, is ALREADY of infinite value.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Starting Ellicott today!

...First just let me say that, reading the Gospel, I feel so much love rushing up in my heart for God and Jesus Christ and the people of God. Reading BACE's visions as supplements make this charity flare up especially intensely. I must put SOLID TIME aside daily to read them.
But I mention this at all because I never before felt LOVE and ZEAL while reading Scripture. As a child it was dry duty or morbid fascination (the fiery furnace, Absalom, the Passion), but no personal longing. As an adult during my ex-Catholic "phase" (thank God that's ALL it was!!) my reading was tainted by critical suspicion & cynicism, and I was blinded by pagan prejudice. I felt no fondness for even the "natural beauty" of the text.
But now... I literally hunger for it. I crave it. If I go a day without reading the Bible I actually feel like I'm starving. I NEED it now, but more than that, I WANT it. No, even more-- I DESIRE it. It's a heart-longing, not just a head-fascination. Even that, now, is being transformed into a healthy hunger for Knowledge as a SPIRITUAL GIFT, not a feat of intelligence.
I thank God profusely for all of this. It's ALL by grace, undeserved & bounteous. If this new & real Love for God and His Word is but the tiniest splinter of Heaven, then let me tell you, it is ABSOLUTELY WORTH EVERYTHING to get there. Life without this would be death enough.


"Here was one sitting at meat with them who had lain in the sepulchre four days. The meal is in his case, as afterwards in that of our Lord Himself, a physical proof of the Resurrection."
That is a EUCHARISTIC PARALLEL, which only shocks me because it suddenly makes it clear that the "proof of Resurrection" is a MEAL. The one who was dead and now lives PROVES it by EATING FOOD. This stuns me because the only explanation I can guess is the DIRECT TRANSMUTATION OF THE FALL, in which eating was made the proof of DEATH!!
Food in and of itself has no power-- ONLY THE TREES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GARDEN. And whereas the first Adam ate the one, the second Adam ate the other-- one in disobedience via pleasure, the other in obedience via agony.
...

"St. Matthew and St. Mark both state that she anointed His head. This was the usual custom; but St. John remembers that the act of love went beyond that of common esteem, in the depth of its gratitude and reverence, and anointed the feet, and wiped them with her own hair."
She did not exclude the typical reverence in order to give the unusual one! Even in deep humility, she would not have refused to show the typical honors to Him, because He deserved those fully, as well as everything else she could offer. This also shows that she wasn't trying to make a scene or special show; her heart just overflowed and she acted without any scheme or plan. She just poured everything out in sheer gracious love, blessedly heedless of cost or criticism. In this very act, spontaneous and sincere, she uses her hair to clean His feet rather than looking for a "proper" cloth-- she cares not for particulars, as her mind is transfixed on worship, not on appearances. In such self-forgetfulness her own hair-- a symbol of maiden glory & beauty, maybe even a treasure to her-- is deemed sufficient for serving the all-consuming cause of love, stripped of its pride and equated with a washbasin rag... and through that complete humiliation, it is transformed into a means of worship, and sanctified as such.

"Why was not this ointment sold for three hundred pence?... that is, in actual value, for the yearly wage of a working man, and for the food therefore which would have maintained a poor man’s household for a whole year. (Comp. Note on John 6:7.) St. Mark adds, “and they were angry at her.” (Compare Note on John 11:33.)"
Those parallels just LEAPT OUT at me.
The ointment cost as much as to feed a poor family for a year. She used it to anoint Christ, Who would feed the poor in spirit with Himself forever... He Who had PROVED this capacity by feeding five thousand men of His Own Power when that same ointment could only have purchased them momentary crumbs. Jesus's Mind is on eternal benefits.
Judas, and perhaps others, "snorted" like angry horses at Mary for her "waste," indignant at this alleged misuse of wealth, as Lazarus watched nearby.... yet JESUS had "snorted" with indignance while Lazarus was in the tomb, and Mary was again weeping at His feet-- not at her, as He did not do now, but at the crowd surrounding them, who were also "weeping" but without any compassion for the dead. They were just playing a role, doing what was dutiful, expecting a later reward. Jesus snorted at their hypocrisy and lack of love... just as now, Judas snorts from that same lukewarmness of heart, offering no true pity for the Man being anointed for the tomb, and seeking only to profit from the bereaved.

SIMILARLY,
""And [Judas] bare what was put [into the bag]"... The form of the word expresses continuance of the act, and may refer to the recurring opportunities of fraud as distinct from the mere fact of carrying the chest with a known sum in it. But we may certainly render the word “bare away,” for St. John himself uses it in this sense in John 20:15; and this clause would then mean “and purloined what was put therein.”
JOHN 20:15 JUST HAPPENS TO BE THIS:
"Jesus said to her, "Woman, why are you weeping? Who are you looking for?" Because she thought he was the gardener, she said to him, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will take him."
AGAIN IT'S JESUS AND MARY MAGDALENE. The language links it all together.
Here she is, at the very tomb she anointed Him for, and she thinks He has been "carried away," just as Judas "carried away" the money that he wanted to supplement with her ointment, and which motivated him to "carry away" Jesus in cruel betrayal-- not for "three hundred days wages," but for "thirty pieces of silver"-- which some Biblical researchers say was only about four months pay.
...
As for Mary "taking" Him away from where He was removed, i want to see if there is also an elegant link to the other two scenes= weeping at Lazarus's death, and weeping at Jesus's feet as she anointed Him for burial. First, Lazarus had been "taken" and Jesus brought Him back. Second, though, no one had been "taken"... yet. Like the hypocritical mourners, Judas stood there in contrast to Mary, as the symbol of hopeless loss.
Now, however, it's just Jesus and Mary.
...
Other times "βαστάζω" is used, esp. in John=
"Again his Jewish opponents picked up stones to stone him, but Jesus said to them, “I have shown you many good works from the Father. For which of these do you stone me?” “We are not stoning you for any good work,” they replied, “but for blasphemy, because you, a mere man, claim to be God.”"
OH MAN THAT PARALLELS THE OTHER INSTANCES TOO!!!
...
ALSO HERE=
"Carrying His own cross, He went out to The Place of the Skull..."
...

Also THIS fascinates me too=
"But because he was a thief, and had the bag... We have to think of Judas as treasurer of the common fund which supplied the wants of the little band, and from which gifts to the poor were made. The word rendered “bag” here, the only passage where it occurs in the New Testament... means literally the “key-chest,” in which musicians carried their flute-keys. Hence it was applied to a chest in the wider sense, and especially, as here, to a small and portable chest."
That word is "γλωσσόκομον" and yes it is defined as "From glossa and the base of kosmos; properly, a case (to keep mouthpieces of wind-instruments in) i.e. (by extension) a casket or (specially) purse -- bag."
YOU NOTICE THOSE ORIGINATING GREEK WORDS???
"TONGUE/ NATIONAL LANGUAGE" AND "WORLD/ ADORNMENT".
HOWEVER another possibility is "komizó" which means "carry/ care for/ receive/ obtain," but ALSO "I receive back, receive what has belonged to myself but has been lost, or else promised but kept back, or: I get what has come to be my own by earning, recover."
...


I am overanalyzing everything. I'm thinking too much and my head hurts. I'm too anxious. God forgive me.


prismaticbleed: (angel)
 



Final sections of Gill's commentary.

"Upon this occasion, on account of the prevailing hardness and unbelief of the Jewish nation, and the non-confession of Him by those who did believe Him to be the Messiah, He cried with a loud voice, that He might be heard [by them all], and His audience left inexcusable; it denotes the concern of His mind, the vehemence of His spirit, and that openness and freedom in which He discharged His ministry, by showing the nature, excellency, and usefulness of believing in Him, and the dangerous consequences of unbelief..."
No matter how foolish & weak we are in our faith, Jesus is vehemently concerned for our salvation, and He will first exhaust His resources in reaching us before He leaves us in our unbelief, whether active or passive-- because a reticence to confess Him WILL degrade into unbelief if persistent. But before any such abandonment occurs, Jesus will CRY OUT to us. He will SHOUT a rousing word to our cowering soul, in one last unignorable effort to shake us from sleep. 
He knows that if He leaves us we WILL DIE, and so He REFUSES TO LEAVE US unless we continue to push Him away. Then He will respect our free will, and stop drawing close, despite the immense pain it causes Him.
The nature of believing in Him is TRUSTING FAITH IN GOD & HUMBLE LOVE OF GOD. That's the bottom line; without those you really CAN'T believe in Christ because HE IS GOD.
The excellency of believing in Him is apparent: it includes the unmerited honor of following the Truth, the revelation of the greater Law of Love that looses the bonds of ritual, and the restored dignity of human life united to God.
The usefulness of believing in Him is inherent in its excellence, and to us poor humans it is blessedly limitless: the empowerment in virtue & victory over sin, the true knowledge of God & freedom from error, the deliverance from helpless darkness to faithful light, the promise of eternal Life that conquers all death... we could go on and on.
As for unbelief... what else can it give but the opposite? It is a prison of darkness, ignorance, fear, grief, pride, sin, and death. It has no hope, no purpose, and no future. It desperately and foolishly idolizes self only to be utterly destroyed like the golden calf.
Christ knows the consequences of rejecting Him. He NEVER abandons ANYONE to such a doom... We CHOOSE it, over Him.


"And he that seeth me, seeth him that sent me. Not with bodily eyes, for there were many that saw Christ, who never saw the Father: they saw Christ as a mere man, and were offended at the meanness of his outward appearance; they saw nothing divine in him, nor the glory of the Father through him; but with the eyes of the understanding, whoever saw or perceived the glory of Christ in his miracles, saw the glory of God in them also, for the Father that dwelt in Him did the works, and whoever truly sees Christ with an eye of faith, sees His glory, as the glory of the only begotten of the Father: as the brightness of His Father's glory, as having the fulness of the Godhead dwelling in Him, the same perfections as in the Father; so that he that hath seen the one, hath seen the other also."
This is actually vitally important, because in both polytheistic religions AND secular pop-paganism, we see the exact opposite-- "gods" typically ARE "gods" BECAUSE they LOOK THE PART. This is comically obvious in video games & superhero movies, too.
But it's ALL a reflection of LUCIFER, who figured he deserved to rival the actual and only God BECAUSE he, although a creature, was so beautiful. That was pure pride, and all modern "deities" are equally guilty of it, inevitably being devilish in ultimate nature as well. 
It's really a terribly evil mindset, especially in mortal man, because this deification of "beauty" will always end in hatred, rejection, & abuse of the "ugly"... and that class always includes the poor.
...
Also, as to the startling fact that people recognized Christ AS divine THROUGH His miracles-- this was NOT because they were "astounding" or "amazing" as if they were magic tricks or impressive shows of power. Fake gods specialize in that kind of "miracle"-- extravagant displays of supernatural power that only belong in a Final Fantasy game; they do no actual good, and glorify no one but themselves. But Jesus? He only said a word, with no pomp whatsoever, and suddenly the impossible was done... and never with an eye to His own fame, which He actually explicitly forbade the promotion of. Jesus's miracles were done for the sick, for the poor, for the outcast, for the desperate, for the forsaken, for the despised, but above all for the humble & believing.
Every one of His miracles had a single constant goal= to manifest the Kingdom of God, and by doing so, to bring glory to the Triune God... whose Kingdom Law is that of Holy Justice & Merciful Love. BOTH of those tenets were clearly expressed in Christ's miracles: He crushed the devil's unlawful power, and healed the mortals oppressed by his cruelty. To recognize THAT in His miracles, would absolutely be to recognize the Hand of God at work.
...
Still, it never fails to amaze me that "IN Christ dwells the FULLNESS of the Godhead." Every word is stunning.
...


""And if any man hear my words and believe not"... Men may hear the Gospel of Christ, and not understand it; and they may understand it literally and grammatically, though not spiritually and experimentally, and not believe it; not so much as give credit or an assent to the truth of it, but reject and deny it; for though faith comes by hearing to some, it does not come to all: some receive no profit by hearing it, because it is not mixed with faith by them. [Some] read the last clause thus, "and [do not] keep [my words]"; or does not observe them, is negligent of them, and shows no regard, and yields not the obedience of faith to them; the sense is the same."
This is so important; these are ALL obstacles to saving belief.
We cannot believe the Gospel in truth if we do not understand it-- WITH OUR HEARTS. That distinction is stunning.
I have known people who studied religion, and definitely "understood" Christ's words, but only in the way one understands the point of an essay. They agreed that He said it, and could even recite it to you, BUT they did not agree it was TRUE, in a deeper sense than the fact of it being written down.
...It's so interesting. Belief, as it seems, is not "logical". It is personal. When you believe Christ, you feel it. You KNOW His Words are true, because something in your very soul asserts it.
But it goes even deeper. Feelings can still trick us. The true belief is the faith in Christ AS TRUE HIMSELF. If you believe IN HIM, then you KNOW with BOTH mind and heart that everything He says is trustworthy.
...


"He that rejecteth me,.... As the Messiah, with abhorrence and contempt, as many among the Jews did, who would not have him to reign over them, but sought to put Him to death..."

Christ's Messiahship implies rule.
...It's such a twisted and appalling thought process, however unconscious, that not only denies the need of a Savior, but hates Him, and SUCH a Savior as Christ is, so loving & pure & honest... to reject Him, and refuse the rule of such a One-- what the heck else did they want??
...

⭐⭐⭐""And I know that His commandment is life everlasting"= By "His commandment" is NOT meant the Law; that indeed is often styled the commandment; and it is the commandment of God; and many excellent things are said of it; and among the rest it is called "life", but not everlasting life: it only promised a continuation of natural life to man, on condition of obedience to it; it did not even promise more than this to Adam in innocence; and what it promised to the obedient Israelites, was likewise only a prolongation of natural life in the land which God gave unto them: but it neither promises, nor gives spiritual life to the fallen sons of Adam; it leaves men as it finds them, dead in trespasses and sins; and cannot communicate either a life of sanctification, or of justification to them; nor does it so much as give them any hopes of life, or show where it is to be had; nor is everlasting life to be obtained by the works of it: justification is not by the works of the law; nor salvation by works of righteousness done by men; and consequently eternal life is never to be attained unto by obedience to the commands of the law: it is so far from being in this sense life everlasting, that it is the ministration of condemnation and death. But the Gospel is here meant, and is called a commandment; not that it has the nature of a law, or consists of precepts, as the law does; but because it is by the commandment of the everlasting God published by Christ, and His apostles. Christ, as appears from the preceding verse, had a commandment from His Father, what He should say and speak... it was a commandment of the Father that He should deliver that doctrine... the sense is, that the doctrine of the Gospel, which Christ had in commission from the Father to preach, IS life everlasting; and is so called, because it is a means of quickening sinners with a spiritual life, which issues in an eternal one; it is the savour of life unto life, and the Spirit which giveth life, and is the ministration of it; and it is a means of implanting the graces of the Spirit of God in the heart, which sprung up unto everlasting life; and of bringing souls to the knowledge of Christ, which IS the beginning, pledge, and earnest of eternal life: and besides all this, it gives an account of the nature of eternal life; it directs the way unto it, which is by Christ, and describes the persons who shall enjoy it; showing, that their title to it is the righteousness of Christ, and their meetness for it the regenerating grace of the Spirit; and that all that believe in Christ shall have it."
I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE THE WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW LIFECHANGING ALL OF THIS IS.
This actually EXPLAINS the contrast between the Law and the Gospel. This EXPLAINS eternal life WITHIN the Gospel. I NEVER KNEW HOW THIS WORKED BEFORE. I just accepted the basic phrases as fact on faith without understanding the reasons or truths behind it at all... no wonder I struggled with confusion and doubt. But THIS, oh man, this is a direct light from God chasing the shadows away. Thank You Lord, thank You so much, PLEASE help me completely understand & integrate & remember & treasure this essential truth, so that I can LIVE IT and SHARE IT WITH OTHERS.
...
Okay, line by line.
(Law is TEMPORAL LIFE!!! EVEN FOR ADAM!!! NO ONE GOT THE FRUIT!!!
(Condition of obedience ALWAYS, inherently implying Life is WITH GOD
(NO SPIRITUAL LIFE TO THE FALLEN. That was LOST with Adam and couldn't be gained by ANY MORTAL ACT
(NEVER MADE ANY SUCH PROMISE. We never realized that key distinction!
(LEAVES YOU AS DEAD AS IT FOUND YOU. MAN THAT HITS HARD.
(no communication
(No sanctification or justification! Again it never promised this. Plus it is not a PERSON, it cannot intercede or aid.
(NO HOPE!!!! DOESN'T EVEN TELL YOU WHERE HOPE IS!!!
(works cannot justify. Sad relevance to life examples "earn back respect" etc. Cannot undo the wound. Cannot repair the damage.
(No salvation by righteousness OF MAN detail. remember ONLY GOD IS ACTUALLY RIGHTEOUS!!
(obedience to the law, however perfect, will NEVER give eternal life. This is essential to tell people nowadays. The very essence if eternal life CANNOT BE "EARNED" OR "OBTAINED" OR "ACQUIRED." it comes from GOD ALONE, Because ONLY GOD IS ETERNAL.
(Law of condemnation & death= the lament of the ages. See Saint Paul. Modern legal system feels the same.
(THE UNEXPECTED DEFINITION OF "COMMANDMENT" TO JESUS!!! The command IS THE PREACHING OF THE GOSPEL, because THE GOSPEL IS ETERNAL LIFE!!!
(I NEVER had a definition of "Gospel" before, but apparently it's just "everything God commanded Jesus to say & speak"? And taken altogether it IS doctrine, it IS eternal life BECAUSE it is THE EXPRESS WORD OF GOD.
(The Gospel is NOT a set of precepts! Jesus didn't do that and reading Scripture proves it.
(The Gospel GIVES SPIRITUAL LIFE.
(SPIRITUAL LIFE IS THE FOUNDATION OF ETERNAL LIFE!!!
(THE HOLY SPIRIT COMMUNICATES THIS LIFE THROUGH THE GOSPEL?????? Dude I never actually considered HIS role in this before, which is ridiculous because HE IS THE GIVER OF LIFE!!!
(The Gospel LITERALLY plants seeds of grace in the heart-- HENCE THE PARABLE!!!
(Most importantly = YOU CANNOT HAVE ETERNAL LIFE WITHOUT  CHRIST, BECAUSE HE IS ETERNAL LIFE. WE ONLY LEARN OF HIM THROUGH HIS SELF-REVELATION IN THE GOSPEL. Thus the Gospel ONLY gives us true knowledge of Christ, which IS KNOWLEDGE OF GOD, and if we are GRACED with that knowledge WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
(THE WAY IS CHRIST. He says this word for word.
(THE NATURE of eternal life is UNION WITH GOD. It is SHARING HIS LIFE because He alone is eternal.
(Our TITLE to it is CHRIST'S RIGHTEOUSNESS, which we ONLY have ANY part of BY THE CROSS.
(Our MEETNESS for it is the REGENERATING GRACE OF THE SPIRIT!! Again, don't forget Him! And DON'T DESPAIR!! You always forget that ETERNAL LIFE IS NOT REALIZED ON EARTH. We only have the PLEDGE in Christ. Until then we're being FITTED FOR IT, made ready for those mansions.
(ALL THAT BELIEVE IN CHRIST SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE. That is so ineffably beautiful i could weep. THAT'S A PROMISE, because HE HIMSELF IS THAT LIFE.
...


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Some heavy hitters from a B. Thomas sermon.

FIRST from Google =

"I describe a distinctive, aesthetically-inflected mode of admiration called moral attraction whose object is the inner beauty of a person: the expression of the 'inner' virtues or excellences of character of a person in 'outer' forms of bodily comportment that are experienced, by others, as beautiful."
Applying this to God= He IS Virtue, the very Cause & Source of it in men, and so everything He does is colored with that moral excellence. In Creation, we see the "outer forms" of that divine beauty, and inevitably, IT DEFINES OUR OWN CONCEPTION OF "BEAUTY." But nowhere is God's "beautiful inner virtue" expressed & manifested so clearly, as it is in JESUS CHRIST, Who IS God's very Expression. To readily see Jesus AS beautiful, IN HIS MORAL EXCELLENCY, is to experience moral attraction. This means that we recognize His inner beauty despite all potential external 'obstacles', such as His utter poverty and His Passion.

"The voluntary moral attraction of cooperative humans by divine goodness is central to divine guidance..."
What boggles my mind here is "VOLUNTARY." That's a game-changer. It means we CAN CHOOSE to "see what is beautiful" in God, even if we don't see it automatically, and our freely choosing TO seek it anyway ACTUALLY OPENS OUR HEART TO IT. "Believing IS seeing," remember Lazarus!!! This choice counts as cooperation WITH God's Goodness, because God WILL NOT FORCE US even to do what is good. But once we tune in of our own choice, the floodgates open up for us.
...It basically means, that instead of being attracted to evil deeds, we CHOOSE to be attracted to good ones, BY GRACE??


101123

Oct. 11th, 2023 09:30 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


Cold tired & dissociated but MADE IT TO MASS!
Still haunted by terrorism thoughts. What if terrorists came into the chapel & gunned us down today? Remembered stories of martyr priests running to guard the Tabernacle with their very bodies, & immediately thought of the verse, "your life is hidden with Christ in God"
I typed that instantly so I wouldn't forget. But I can't grasp the initial revelation now. Pray to recover it & then write it.
I think it was how the Eucharist WAS the Life of those priests? Even if they were murdered, they didn't lose their life, because their Life is CHRIST and He is untouchable & eternal in heaven. Their deaths therefore sent them TO Life.

Saint Bridget prayers= remember we SERIOUSLY want to write heavy reflections on the introductory phrases for each prayer: there are immense depths calling to us.
One hit us new= HIDE ME IN THY WOUNDS, but FROM THY ANGERED FACE!! Staggering. When God "hides His Face" from us in our sin, and justly so, we suffer as a result; BUT BY THE CROSS Christ can now REDEEM even that state by hiding us IN HIS WOUNDS BY OUR SUFFERINGS??? He makes it so that no matter where we are we can still be with God??? WE are the ones whose sins GAVE Him those Wounds, and they are WHY His Face is angrily turned from us in justice, BUT IN HIS MERCY He uses those very Wounds to hide us from His own wrath. It's amazing. That's how much He loves us and wants to save us.


140m prayers, SPOKEN. Shockingly easier & more honest.
No music except Glorious Rosary.
Actually A FEW TEARS at end of Dolors Rosary!! We keep praying for the grace of divine sorrow, for our heart TO weep again, to be ABLE to feel things again.

SO much age-sliding and gender-shifting in the Core identity during prayer: certain selves can feel or think different things. Male vs female, young vs old, CANNOT experience the same way. It's such a distressing fact that we "have to be just one" in normal external life; to do so feels like suicide. It cuts off half of the entire heart, at the very least. Who would that "me" be, so mutilated in emotion & awareness?
"I" only exist in full truth AS PART OF A MULTIPLICITY. I am but one "me" of many, just one color of the rainbow. And when this is EMBRACED and ALLOWED TO FLOURISH, we do so much better; life becomes rich & real & colorful.
...but it's also exhausting, to exist. The lazy "singlet" brain wants it all gone, to not have to feel or remember or dream or anything, just drone through on the outside, a living death.
Our biggest fear is that being multiple is a sin, in and of itself. God please we hope not. But no one ever talks about it in religion, other than in demonic possession, which this IS NOT because demons don't pray and worship Jesus the Lord. But the church doesn't really talk about mental health, let alone innerworlds and all who inhabit them. We still say, not even joking, that if God did decide to miraculously make us a canonized Saint, we would want to be the patron Saint of dissociative (identity) disorders, if not also eating disorders. We've walked those roads firsthand, but God never left us, and if He is willing to bring us even further to heaven, then from there, we want to intercede for the future Church Militant fighting those particular battles. It would be such a joy, such an honor, but even morseso it would be such an act of fraternal love. And we do want that, if we may be so bold as to admit it, although humbly pressing our face to the ground and insisting But Thy Will Alone Be Done, Lord. We surrender to Your Good Will And Purposes either way. Just getting to heaven would be (will be, oh we hope!!) enough of a stunning miracle to merit our infinite gratitude forever; we dare not ask for anything more... but we cannot but plead for anything less.


BK prep quieter than usual. Laurie said that if God wants her to go away in order for Him to save me, then she will gladly leave. The heartbreak and joy were both synonymous in her saying that. Me too.
Everyone else agreed with her. We hope it won't come to that-- we all love God together and want to help each other grow in faith-- but we are still one collective soul. If we HAVE to sacrifice that for the greater good of God, especially in order to sacrifice our body's life for those around us physically, then we repeat, Thy Will Be Done. Please give us the grace to surrender completely to it.

Evening =
1845 PHONE CALL FROM MOM, IT'S JUST A CYST, IT'S NOT CANCER, OH THANK YOU GOD!!!

6pm PANIC ATTACK SLAMMED INTO US AGAIN. What the heck is causing this EVERY NIGHT? And it's accompanied with a "flee for your life" response; we feel frighteningly rushed, like there's a tornado bearing down on us and if we don't evacuate ASAP we're going to die. WHAT IS THIS. It's impending doom, yeah, but RUSHING towards us and SCREAMING. We feel the countdown timer in our lungs. We're shaking like a leaf and can't breathe.
Is this a trauma response to the twilight? We feel like "something TERRIBLE is GOING to happen once the sun sets." PLUS OUR "WARM" CLOTHES MAKE IT WORSE-- LONG SLEEVES & PANTS DRAMATICALLY EXACERBATE THE SYMPTOMS???? Short sleeves, and shorts, despite the cold, cause INSTANT DRAMATIC RELIEF.
This makes NO SENSE. Not yet at least. God help us with this please; we cannot function like this.



prismaticbleed: (angel)

VOTD = LOVE IS NOT AN EMOTION, IT'S A DECISION!! BUT EVENTUALLY YOUR EMOTIONS WILL CATCH UP TO YOUR OBEDIENCE!!!
Jesus COMMANDS us to love; He isn't commanding us to feel certain things but to DO certain things!!


Father Walter Cizsek prayer hits today.
"May I find my true self by living for others in a spirit of sacrifice and suffering... As I seek to surrender to the Father's will, may I come to trust that He will do everything for me."
That immense Fatherly goodness is so difficult to grasp yet, but I know it's true despite all doubt.
It's also not an excuse to be lazy or idle. God does everything FOR you, but only WITH YOUR COOPERATION. That's the paradox of grace! Your part is TO HAVE FAITH IN HIM and to open your heart, mind, eyes, arms, and life to Him TO WORK WITH.
...

"Lord Jesus Christ, I ask the grace to accept the sadness in my heart, as Your will for me, in this moment. I offer it up, in union with Your sufferings, for those who are in deepest need of Your redeeming grace."
I forget that "offering my sufferings WITH Christ" involves me in the REDEMPTIVE work of His Cross-- He was only crucified FOR OTHERS!! So MY sufferings with Him MUST ALSO BE FOR OTHERS!! I never considered that. That's humbling.
...

"Lead me away from dwelling on the hurt I feel: lead me instead to thoughts of charity for those who need my love, to thoughts of compassion for those who need my care, and to thoughts of giving to those who need my help."
The emphasis on NEEDING what I SPECIFICALLY have to give is STUNNING.
There is a sly fake humility that rebels with "but I'm not important, that can't be true, I don't matter!" YOU MATTER TO GOD. YOU MATTER TO OTHERS. ACCEPT THAT SO YOU CAN ACT ON IT!!!
...

And this from an app prayer=
"Transform my heart and renew my mind so that I can draw closer to You, and so bring You to others."

Evangelizing isn't an intellectual triumph. I'm so tired of brainpower battles. I'm not a smart person. I'm tired of dictionary wars. Religion is hollow if it is gained and held by mental prowess alone, by scholastic debate, by logical arguments. Those things crumble to dust in the face of encounter. THAT is the might & glory of Christianity: the human Face of Jesus Christ.
...

"Draw me closer to You so that way I look more like You. Teach me how to love like You by protecting others, trusting others, and hoping & persevering on behalf of other people."
Reflect deeply on this. CHRIST DID ALL THOSE THINGS. HE STILL DOES.
He protects us from evil. He has hope for our conversion of free will. He perseveres on our behalf right up until the absolute last moment and He does not give up.
But... trust? Does Christ trust us? Somehow that... doesn't make sense at all. We're all liars, all sinners. We're not worthy of trust.
But... it's a virtue. It's a righteous thing to do. It's an act of mercy, isn't it? So... Christ has to do it, somehow.
...

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Finishing up Gill today.

"...His death would not be natural, but violent, and would be public, and not private... His death, and the manner of it, were [never] uncertain, for it was determined by God, agreed to by Himself, predicted in the Scriptures, signified by types, and foretold by Himself, and was necessary for the salvation of His people..."
I'm really pasting this for my mom, who STILL thinks Jesus was "forced to die" against His will & knowledge by a "cruel God," which is APPALLINGLY FALSE and i have no idea HOW she got that idea. But she holds it hard, so I need to gently pry her fingers off of it with reassuring love.
Still, it's a tough topic, because it's still death-- worse, a violently bloody execution. She struggles with that, and as a parent, abhors the very idea that a Father could CHOOSE to send His Son to it... but does she realize the Son also chose it, freely & wholeheartedly, and that because of His Love for us?
But then again, she tends to reject the very concept of sin, too, for that same fear of death & punishment. The idea that WE deserved that death BY our rejection of God, especially since it "started so innocuously" with Eve... she struggles with it. She's ALWAYS defending Eve, and trying to divinize Magdalene, and fighting for equal male & female church roles, etc. I don't know why. She obviously has a wound. But that's a different talk entirely. Right now the point is= she struggles with accepting original sin, because she doesn't realize the gravity of unquestionably KNOWING God's direct command and STILL disobeying because she became convinced that SHE knew better than Him. The snake couldn't have successfully tempted her if she hadn't already been capable of the sin. So Eve decided she wanted to know what evil was, and once THAT got into her head, well... let me tell you, it NEVER LEAVES. You can scrub away at that damned spot until your fingers bleed, but it won't come out. I know. It's a curse. It really is death. So yeah, it sure seemed harmless before she bit the fig, but the instant that sickly sweetness hit her brain she was doomed. And so were we, because evil is effectively a cancerous STD and we're all born terminal.
So. Christ the Divine Physician knew this better than anyone. He knew we needed more than chemo, more than surgery, more than transfusions-- we needed a whole new body, a whole new mind, one that didn't have Eve's tainted DNA, as it were. We needed to be REMADE... or we would die.
This is where my metaphors fail. What Christ did in truth was purely Divine, a cosmic Miracle of God's Omnipotence and fathomless Mercy.
...


"...this drawing of them to Him, in consequence of His death, supposes distance from Him, want of power & will to come to Him, and the efficacious grace of God to bring them, though without any force and compulsion."
GRACE ISN'T AUTOMATIC. Salvation is freely given but only if we accept it, as a gift.
This also reassures sinners like me who are still incredulous at our deliverance. Was I far, far, far away from God? Absolutely. Did I have any power TO come towards Him? None whatsoever. Did I know HOW to get to Him? Not at all. And notwithstanding all of that-- did I even WANT to go to Him, as distant & weak & lost as I was? No. I did not. I was completely dead in sin. Except... Christ had His eye in me. Except God had preemptively GIVEN me grace, so long ago it seemed dead & forgotten, but it was there, even beneath the centuries of permafrost, and like a Silene stenophylla there was still the germ of life in it preserved against all odds and by God it would not die. That's what efficacious means, man. It cannot fail.
...


"The allusion here, is to the setting up of a standard or ensign, to gather persons together. Christ's cross is the standard, His love is the banner, and He Himself is the ensign, which draw souls to Himself, and engage them to enlist themselves under Him, and become His volunteers in the day of His power."
It is stunning how frequently military language is used in Scripture to refer to Christian living, and yet all I typically hear about that is "the armor of God," "be a soldier for God," and "fight the good fight"-- phrases used so often they lose their depth of context. "Spiritual Warfare" is almost a catchphrase. We don't seem to grasp that WE ARE LITERALLY AT WAR, RIGHT NOW. Yes Christ is victorious as He is God in eternity, and so too is His Cross-- but in our mortal lives, in linear time, in this very moment? We've gotta FIGHT LIKE HEAVEN. The war is guaranteed Christ's but are we going to stay on His side until the end? Are we even fighting enough for His cause in this life to BE counted as His Soldiers? And were we volunteers in truth, or were we drafted? All of this matters more than we realize.


""For he that walketh in darkness, knoweth not whither he goeth"= he cannot see his way, nor the stumbling blocks that lie in it, and the dangers he is exposed unto; nor does he know where it leads, and what is the end of it; and just so it is with a man in a state of unregeneracy, and more especially under judicial blindness: he is not aware of the pits and snares that lie in his way, or of the dark mountains on which he stumbles; and though destruction and misery are in his ways, he knows not that he is going thereunto."
Oh man that describes our pagan days all too well.
The worst part was not seeing the obstacles or dangers, because in that fake light I was following, I was so sunblind I saw nothing but brightness. I thought the path was PURE & FAULTLESS, and the vision it gave me "proved" this. How stupid I was. It didn't even occur to me that my very vision was compromised. I didn't realize that it was actually darkness, cleverly disguised-- in that phony brilliance, I couldn't see the truth. I couldn't see the bloody path.
We were also told that it HAD "no end," that there was NO "set goal" other than "enlightenment," and the fuzzy loops of "reincarnation". It's all an adventure, all a game, all a lesson at school! Have fun! Explore! Yada yada yada and then you wake up one morning cold & hungry & alone in someone else's apartment and realize this is all a dead end. It was just darkness. It didn't answer any of the heart's deep questions.
I didn't realize it was killing me until the coffin lid was coming down over my head.
...


""that ye may be the children of the light"= that is, that they might appear to be such who are enlightened persons; and such are truly so, who are made light in the Lord, or who are enlightened by the Spirit of God to see their own sinfulness, impotency, and unrighteousness, and their need of Christ, and His righteousness and strength, and of salvation by Him; and who are made meet, by the grace of God, to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light; and which is made manifest by believing in Christ, and walking on in Him, as they have received Him, and by walking honestly, as in the daytime, and circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, for such walk as children of the light."
THIS is the TRUE DEFINITION OF "ENLIGHTENMENT". It's not some "woke" fad-mentality or secular nihilism or moral relativism or new-age fancy. It's AWARENESS OF OUR INSURMOUNTABLE MORTAL FRAILTY & UTTER NEED OF GOD'S SALVATION.
...I shouldn't be so agitated. I'm sorry. Lord forgive me, soothe my poor burnt soul. Help me release that lingering sharp bitter regret, without losing the contrition.
...
But seriously, think hard upon this.
To be enlightened by the Lord means to let His Light fill you-- to let HIM inundate your inner being with Himself, Who is both Light and Truth. His Presence reveals ALL the things the fake lights and real shadows conceal: the obstacles, pitfalls, traps, crooked paths, dead ends, dropoffs, and crouching foes.
When His Light truly enters our hearts and truly shines, we SEE ALL OF THAT, and cannot deny it, or hide it, or run from it. We must face it, and admit it, in all its terror and all our helplessness... and not despair! Christ did not reveal it to shame and damn us, but so HE could begin to clear it all out and so save us!!
...
Walking in Him AS we received Him...
...
Walking HONESTLY, in the daylight-- remember how the other day I talked about the horror of a wicked heart that waits for darkness to conceal its true motives? Christ PREVENTS that sort of evil sneakiness and THANK GOD! At first it is scary, ironically, for EVERYTHING in your life to suddenly be out in the open daylight with Him... but
...
"Circumspect" means "cautious, wary," literally "looking about on all sides"... "deliberate, guarded, well-considered." Philippians 2:12.
...


""They believed not on Him"= the miracles done by Christ before their eyes, which they could not deny, nor disprove, and were so many, and so great, were aggravations of their unbelief; and such indeed is the nature of that sin, and so deeply rooted is it, that the most powerful means, and mighty works, will not bring a person to believe in Christ, without the powerful and efficacious grace of God."
This is so terrifying to me. Unbelief is just that fatal. The only cure is God's merciful grace.
Lord, I fear that I have this curse of unbelief. My emotions are so dead, my heart so scarred from years of the most heinous sins... I am newly "saved," but am I really? Do I truly believe? Have you given me that grace? Oh Lord, please do, I beg of You, I WANT to believe, more than I can possibly verbalize. It's just a wailing ache of agony in my soul. I feel the distance between You and me, I see the beautiful fire of faith in others that I cannot kindle in myself, and I am scared to death. Please don't let me die, oh God of Mercy; You saved me from hell, so please bring me to heaven. Please help my unbelief. With You anything is possible; without You I am doomed.
You grace never fails. Please open my heart to it, then let the ocean in.


"God or Christ blind and harden not by any positive act, but by leaving and giving men up to the [willful] blindness and hardness of their hearts, and [therefore] denying them the grace which alone could cure them and enable them to believe, and which They are not obliged to give..."
...
I want to defend God in this, if I may be so bold. I tremble but I must, for I hear so many speak cruel falsehoods against Him because of this truth, and I cannot simply stand by and tolerate such impiety.
Do you think God never offered them grace? How then did they hear the Gospel? Is that not grace? How else did they become hardened against God, if He had not called them before? Brain patterns take time to set in. We cannot blind ourselves to something we've never seen before; the decision not to see is based on a sight already received yet rejected.
God is merciful, but He is also just, and if someone repeatedly refuses His Mercy, there is only one other option.
Remember Ezekiel 18. God wants everyone to be saved. The trouble is that we have the free will to oppose that ourselves.


"they had made a decree in the sanhedrim, that whoever confessed that Jesus was the Messiah, should be cast out... this had struck terror in the minds, not only of the common people; but of the chief rulers themselves; for it was looked upon as a very dreadful thing to be put out of the synagogue."
I JUST REALIZED, THIS WAS LITERALLY PLACING THE SYNAGOGUE IN OPPOSITION TO CHRIST. You were now forced to reevaluate your religious stance entirely. You COULDN'T have both. The expulsion from the synagogue was only dreadful IF it was your highest priority-- which in ANY other circumstances WOULD BE PROPER. But now, something greater than the synagogue is here. The ONLY way to face that dreadful risk was for Jesus to become the new center of one's life. HE HAD TO BECOME YOUR RELIGION AND LIFE. This decree was actually forcing the hand of believers to commit, because IN MAKING THIS CONTRAST THEY ACTUALLY REVEALED THE STAKES. It inadvertently TESTIFIED TO CHRIST'S DIVINE AUTHORITY; otherwise He wouldn't be put on par with the entire Jewish worship system. You had to choose Grace or the Law. You had to choose the Pharisees smug approval or the humble footsteps of Jesus.

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JUST STUMBLED ACROSS THIS AND OH MAN =

"Is it an infliction of God? — From such passages as Isa 6:10, some have said that God commands the prophet to do a certain thing to this peoples and then punishes the people: nay, this appears stronger still, where the passage is quoted, as (Joh 12:40), He hath blinded their eyes and hardened their hearts; which seems to be contradictory to Mt 13:15, where: the people themselves are said to have closed their own eyes; and so Ac 28:27. These seeming contradictions are very easily reconciled. God, by giving plenty and abundance, affords the means of the people's abusing his goodness, and, becoming both over fat with food and intoxicated with drink; and thus his very beneficence may be said to make their heart fat, and their eyes heavy, while at the same time the people, by their own act, their overfeeding, become unwieldy, indolent, bloated, over fat at heart, and, moreover, so stupefied by liquor and strong drink, that their eyes and ears may be useless to them: with wide open eyes, "staring, they may stare, but not perceive; and listening, they may hear, but not understand; and in this lethargic state they will continue, preferring it to a more sedate, rational condition, and refusing to forbear from prolonging the causes of it, lest at any sober interval they should see truly with their eyes and hear accurately with their ears, in consequence of which they should be shocked at themselves, be converted, be changed from such misconduct, and I should heal them — should cure these delusory effects of their surfeits and dissoluteness. Is this state hopeless? — That shiners may, by a course of persistent opposition to God, so far destroy or deaden their conscience as to be beyond the hope (but not absolutely the power) of divine grace, is a fearful fact, and one corroborated by the Holy Scriptures (1Ti 4:2; Ro 1:28; 2Th 2:11; Heb 6:6). But this condition, again, is not so much the result of God's determination as of their own inveterate perversity."
THAT LITERALLY JUST DESCRIBED OUR EATING DISORDER.
There is no other explanation. There is NO other explanation as to why I'm not dead & rotting in sin right now. It's all grace. It's all unmerited, undeserved, unexpected, unstoppable grace. God decided to save my putrid life and that is the SINGLE REASON WHY I AM NOT IN HELL RIGHT NOW.



101023

Oct. 10th, 2023 09:26 pm
prismaticbleed: (amecry)
 

Mass with mom!
We RAN son

Socially exhausted by 9am and we STILL are waiting for the repairmen. Anxiety so bad we couldn't focus to even get undressed, let alone start prayers.
Threw in laundry load of UPMC pajamas as a first action step. If they still fit we can wear them as it gets colder.

Tormented by lack of clear discernment as to "whether or not GOD wants us to call the repairmen". It would be both rude & a timely reminder. It would be both impatient and prudent for our nerves. Is the better option this waiting in nervous stress and refusing to even cook until 1pm? Is it wrong to want to know a decent schedule to expect? What if they forgot? What if they AREN’T coming today? Is it wrong to want an answer so I know what my own daily responsibilities are?
...
I realize that's why I feel like I can't be patient about this. It's like patiently waiting for someone to slug you in the face. You can't exactly do that; you have to be bracing for impact or your jaw is gonna get broken.  That's exactly how I feel about this waiting for the unexpected arrival--  I have to constantly be bracing for impact or the event itself, arriving without warning, is going to deal psychological damage. BUT WHY. Is it really just the OCD & CPTSD tagteam from hell?
...
God i want to just surrender but I am so so frustrated anxious nervous scared HELPLESS, and I am currently CONVINCED that You DON'T want then to EVER show up, so I'm perpetually in nervous wreck mode. You want me to suffer. I know this. Just... please, I can't turn off this preemptive flinching. What do I do? How do I go about my day when I CAN'T stop waiting for the promised yet delayed interruption??
It's all really just because they have to work in the kitchen, so I can't go in there and start my day as a result-- and, most importantly, I cannot eat if I know someone is going to interrupt me, or worse, actually be in my apartment. The trauma response is unbearable. I have to be completely securely alone or it is not safe to eat whatsoever.
So there you go Jesus; that's where I am at.  But I'm sure you know that already. Just please I don't know what you're doing; all I know is that You want me to suffer. Please help me to do that, If it's really my only option here. Somehow use this for my good and for Your glory because I can't do it myself. Don't let me waste this cross. I unite it to Yours and offer it up.
...I hope that counts. If I honestly cannot turn off this choking anxiety I hope that counts. There's literally nothing else I can do but offer it up.

Mom called the INSTANT we finally sat down to eat AT 2PM. At first it was very hard to be patient with the 15m "interruption" but we recognized it was exhausted helpless frustrated nerves again. Yeah we were hungry but the food was ready and could easily wait a little longer, as a sacrifice of love for our mom, who could not and should never have to wait on us.
She was giving us such good news updates on her sales & home repairs, PLUS a legit hope that her mammogram is just a calcium deposit??? Oh God please we hope so. We'll continue to pray for her health.
We also noticed, notably so, how much kinder mom is with us on the phone. It stunned us. But Lord knows we have worked hard for this too. We used to be a bitch. But we want a good relationship with her so badly. Today, in this little phone call, we heard a true proof of that dream coming true. Thank You God.


Evening =
I'm so cold I gave up and unpacked our winter clothes, haha. We have too many: now that we're not destroying our laundry with bulimic consequence, we can donate at least half of this stuff. We only have half of the storage suitcase worth of summer clothes now, if that, and we'll donate more next year for sure. It's nice to have less.


100923

Oct. 9th, 2023 09:23 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

Morning pain & fatigue still terrible.
Wondering if I'm getting sick. The dyspnea is coming back even and its been MONTHS.

Readings= Jonah & the Good Samaritan
Jonah's fellow passengers were SHOCKINGLY RELIGIOUS? Even though superstitious. They had the grace to RECOGNIZE THE TRUE GOD in His works too.
Priest & Levite saw robbed man as UNCLEAN even in his need-- and it was an "UNCLEAN" Samaritan that loved him enough TO help him
Also that road was dangerous??? Man I need to study it; there are obviously DEPTHS of meaning i am unaware of.
Both readings haunting me-- I have been Jonah, i have been the robbed man. But God has STILL SAVED ME in both. Stop dwelling on the fall, on the shame & horror. Refocus on GOD'S ACTIVE LOVE FOR YOU NEVERTHELESS.

Beautiful adoration & Lauds; Mass ran overtime so we got SUNLIGHT.

Jade shower
BK prep with prayers. Anxiety so bad.
Cleanup with prayers too. So badly dissociated.
Why does Jade STILL disturb us so much??
Here I'll tell you, stop talking to an audience and be honest=
- Actual devil music
- Drug obsession
- Life revolves around that satanic webcomic
- Scary contacts. Eyes look inhuman
- That giggly laugh that is EXACTLY a trauma trigger
That enough for you?
Yeah we love them AS OUR BROTHER LOST UNDER ALL THAT, but that very junkheap of spiritually corrupt hyperintellectual delusion is SO UPSETTING that all we can do is pray & be kind.
They're not our enemy. The devil they listen to is. So we will use the weapons of Christ. We will continue in steadfast love of family, in patience and gentleness, and in constant prayer.

Said Joyful rosary on bike. Needed it. 2nd & 4th mystery hit with pure tenderness today. Each recital the meaning deepen. Remembering yesterday's EDE devotional about "God's Presence" manifest in the Joys & how the Rosary as a whole is inherently Eucharistic.
Main Prayers done! Still our heart loves praying now. We still like to meditate on them as we go about our day.

ALSO its Saint John Neumann's feast day? We don't know much about him BUT he's a local guy AND we got that beautiful biography of him from church last month, at random, which we feel very pushed to read. Gotta put time aside today.
ALSO today is SAINT DENIS, who gets GORGEOUS art as he is a blessed cephalophore (not a squid. We explained this to Mimic)

STILL took until 2pm to eat. No matter what we do, that's the earliest we get to sit down. Write out this schedule so we can clearly see time slots/banks.

Noticing that whenever we see a person's face on the internet, especially when talking "to us," our brain INSTANTLY starts judging their appearance??? AGAINST OUR WILL. And it's bizarre, like "their voice is too sharp" or "their face looks like a mouse" or "i don't like that color shirt" etc. BUT ALL OF THOSE COMMENTS SECRETLY END WITH "--BECAUSE IT SCARES ME." So what the heck is actually going on here?? Is this compulsive hyperjudging a FEAR RESPONSE??? Are we afraid this person is potentially an ABUSER, or a similar threat of trauma, and we are "picking out the tells" as thoroughly and insanely as possible?
...
In any case it's both heartbreaking and frustrating. We HATE this compulsion. We WANT to think NICE things about people, but the immediate fearful thought reply is "but what if they hurt you because you let your guard down"??? Dude that sounds like our MOTHER, how much of THIS comes from our upbringing too???
...
It's also disturbingly fascinating that this "self-defense" response ONLY KICKS IN WHEN WE'RE "OBSERVING", like on a screen, NOT INTERACTING in person or on call. In THOSE cases, we go SOCIAL MODE AND THE DEFENSE RESPONSE SHUTS OFF. In fact the OPPOSITE happens-- we start HYPERPRAISING instead!! We start FAWNING when we're so trapped, instead of "fleeing" with the judgments when we're alone and so we CAN RUN.
...


Picture prayers = asking Jesus & Mary to HEAL OUR BIRTHNAME from sin & shame so that we CAN be an "I."
That's the HARDEST THING but it's ESSENTIAL to the afterlife. The System is effectively ANGELIC at its best-- they guide the Core towards God, and are messengers of His Love, BUT THEY DON'T DRIVE THE BODY. Yes I can still say "us" as our existence IS collective, BUT WE NEED A PERMANENT CORE and that Core MUST BE ABSOLUTELY ROOTED IN CHRIST.
The more we learn about the true Faith, the more we realize we have to do, and haven't been doing. With knowledge comes responsibility.
We cannot disown our body. We cannot act like it's a prison or sack of meat.
We cannot disown our gender.
We cannot disown our history as a human.
...
...
I prayed, with fear & trust, that I want to "start this journey today." I want a new identity in Christ, one that CAN have eternal life, so that when He returns-- soon for sure-- I CAN joyfully run to embrace Him, AS A CONSCIOUS & CONCRETE INDIVIDUAL. I don't have that yet. I need it for salvation. So Lord, please give me what I need to be WHO You need me TO be!!!


Evening =
We got SO cold and chilled we got the heater out and switched into light sleep pants instead of shorts, and a t-shirt instead of a tank.
Now I don't know if it's our fibromyalgia or what but we are now having SUCH A MASSIVE PANIC ATTACK. We legit feel like the world is ending. WHY.
I'm trying to offer it up as a cross but Lord it's shockingly heavy. He anxiety and fear is SO BAD. Is it because of the increased touch input? The texture? The warmth? Whatever it is it is DISTURBING US SO BADLY. I might have to put the shorts back on.
Update = three minutes later I did, haha. INSTANT PROFOUND RELIEF. WHAT THE HECK DUDE??? 



...Mom just called. She had a mammogram and they found a mass.
...
All I can do is pray. All I can do is pray. It's all in God's hands.
But please, oh PLEASE God, don't let me screw this up like I did with grandma. Don't let me waste a moment.




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