102723

[prismaticbleed]

 

So very tired this morning. Headache, weak, a bit nauseous.

UMBRELLA HOMILY!!

Paul guilt CRUSHED us during prayer
Had to STOP and say a prayer ABOUT it= painfully contrite, asking for another chance to do right.
HOWEVER this revealed that we DON'T think of it as LISTENING TO PAUL??? We go into social performance panic, and THAT'S why we avoid him. But if we rewire our brain to JUST LISTEN, then it won't be such a dreaded "threat of encounter."
How shameful we are. At least God is showing us & then helping us heal & grow & change.

Burnt eggs = SELF-PITY DELUGE??? What the heck dude.
Thank You God AGAIN for revealing ANOTHER shameful inclination.
ALSO discernment of God vs devil lying as to what to do ABOUT the eggs.
+ DON'T trash them, DON'T throw away the burnt bits, DO eat them "as God gave them to you" without complaining, TRUST IN HIS PLAN HERE.

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Thinking of Jesus alone in the Tabernacle down the street all day broke my heart. Asked my angel to carry my heart there, to put it in the Tabernacle with Him.
It's terrible to want so badly to live a purely spiritual life while still in the body & needing to attend to daily responsibilities. And I know I'm nowhere near strong enough as I am now, to adore for several hours a day. But I still get struck by the Spirit and I want to live there, more than anything else in the world. Just like I admittedly still dream of living in the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception, worshipping all day, my life becoming one endless praise & prayer. It's practically impossible, but I still think of it all the time. It's why I always wanted to be a cloistered nun-- I just want to dwell in the house of the Lord, all the days of my life, and for eternal ages after.
But... there were saints who were housewives, and soldiers, and students, and laypersons. They all became saints. Wherever God puts me, He calls me to love & serve Him, with the exact same inspired fervor & love that pulls my heart to that lonely ciborium in Saint John's. Christ is Present in that church, absolutely, but He is also Present in the Church. Is my ardor true & unconditional enough to consume my "pious pride" and serve Jesus with no such religious consolation? If not, then it's not His Love.

Evening =

Waiting for mom, SAT DOWN NEXT TO PAUL!
PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR REPARATION, THANK YOU GOD

House visit!
Scraped paint for mom, whacked down a pear, walked through garden leaves, ganked two of my old shiny leaves, chased cats away from tiramisu, talked to Mike about new anime, saw the HUGE MOON RISING


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The First Reading (Romans 7) is LITERALLY LIFE AS A SYSTEM, with the SOUL VS THE BODY, ESPECIALLY with longterm addictions & disorders =
"I know of nothing good living in me – living, that is, in my unspiritual self – for though the will to do what is good is in me, the performance is not, with the result that instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want. When I act against my will, then, it is not my true self doing it, but sin which lives in me. In fact, this seems to be the rule, that every single time I want to do good it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God’s Law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles against the law which my reason dictates. This is what makes me a prisoner of that law of sin which lives inside my body. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body doomed to death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
THIS IS OUR DAILY BATTLE, ALMOST WORD FOR WORD.
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I was actually just telling this to Chaos 0 & Mimic, too-- how what I truly want for them, above all else, is for them to be saved from sin and darkness-- to be redeemed from their bloody pasts & to find true life in Christ, with the rest of us. I want them to have that holy peace in their souls, as they are filled ever more with light & hope, literally being transformed into new creatures.
Man I want that for EVERYONE, now that I've been given the "surety" of it in Christ. I absolutely couldn't have sought or received or even wanted it on my own, as I was, as we were. But Christ reached down and pulled me out of the abyss.
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VOTD = The resurrection story according to Luke!
"The Kingdom of God turns the world upside down... Jesus preaches a new and radical way of life, where enemies become friends, the poor are cared for, and people find forgiveness for their failures." "Jesus said that the Kingdom belongs to the poor and the outsider, and that real power consists in serving others in love."
"Jesus said that the Jewish Scriptures were all pointing to His Death and Resurrection: that Israel needed a king who would suffer and die as a rebel, on behalf of those who actually are rebels. And then He would be vindicated by his resurrection, so he could give true life to those who would receive it."
The travelers on the road to Emmaus recognized Jesus ONLY WHEN "they took IN the broken bread"-- the very image of His broken Body on the Cross, AND a direct echo of the Last Supper! THAT ALSO UNITES THE THREE EVENTS: Life, Death, AND Resurrection, IN THE EUCHARIST!!
+ "it's hard to see Jesus for Who He really is... how could God's royal power and love be revealed through this Man's shameful execution? How could a humble man become the King of the world through weakness and self-sacrifice? Its very hard to see. But this is the message of Luke's Gospel. It takes a transformation of your imagination to see it and embrace Jesus's upside down Kingdom."
⭐"The Disciples in the upper room were freaking out over Jesus's new resurrected Body... Jesus was STILL HUMAN, but "way more." He had passed through death and come out the other side, a walking talking piece of new Creation."
"Jesus tells them that He's going to give them the same Divine Power that sustained Him, so that they can go out and share the Good News of God's Kingdom with other people."
+ Why the Ascension? "In the OT, the skies were the place of God's Throne: they're above everything. So this is Luke's way of showing that Jesus has been Enthroned as the Divine King of the whole world."

Reflection =
"When people harm Jesus, He does not retaliate or try to get even. Instead, He loves and forgives. Even when soldiers are humiliating and killing him, Jesus is compassionate toward them: “Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they do” (Luke 23:34). Can you imagine loving and praying for your opposers even AS they hurt and kill you? How can Jesus be so weak when He's supposed to be powerful? Even more, how can He ask us to be vulnerable like Him? Wouldn't we be humiliated or even put to death, like Him? Jesus believes that death is part of His human story— not the end of His human life. He trusts God to preserve His life and restore it, even through suffering and death. Three days after his burial, Jesus is restored to new life. Resurrection! Jesus promises that, as His brothers and sisters, we will eventually experience His same resurrection.
Brutal and dark as it is, death does not defeat the goodness and light of life that God creates. So we stop fearing death. We stop hoarding resources and start sharing generously. We care for and pray for our opposers rather than trying to get even. We trust the power of God's patient love and learn to live peacefully with one another. Our hope is not focused on ways we can "prevent death." Instead, we embrace the death that all of us, including Jesus, have to experience. And we do so with living hope in the resurrected, living Christ Jesus— our Friend."
First: the active tense. "When people HARM Jesus..." It's still happening.
Second... I do think God wants to "get even" with me. I just realized that. I had no way to phrase the fear until now.
Third: vulnerability. How ironic, that it should now prove to be our biggest fear after all.
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Fourth: human story vs human LIFE??? Massive depths there.
Fifth: "preserve & restore THROUGH DEATH," and trusting so absolutely "foolishly" in God's omnipotent Love.
Sixth: HIS resurrection, PROMISED to us, AS HIS SIBLINGS. Three very key points!
Seventh: BODILY DEATH IS NOT LIFE'S ENEMY. She does not stop goodness or light; actually, she often ENHANCES IT-- but ONLY IF WE HAVE THE TRUTH OF HOPE!!! Without hope, BOTH physical life & physical death become FEARFUL & EMPTY. But with hope, REAL hope, the hope WHO IS JESUS CHRIST, both are completely transmuted into joy.
Eighth: how not fearing Death-- thanks to Jesus-- transforms us & enables HOLY living, revealing shockingly how much of our sins ARE BECAUSE WE FEAR DEATH.
Ninth: Jesus reconciled ALL THINGS TO GOD, IN HIMSELF... INCLUDING DEATH. So now we can embrace her, too, as a friend in Christ.


Questions =
"How does the resurrection of Jesus give you hope?
1)When living like Jesus looks foolish and costs me, I remember that He lived through death and promised that I will too.
2) Rather than working to defend myself and to survive as long as possible, I can relax and know that my life is safe in Jesus.
3) Because Jesus has resurrected into new life, when I pray to Him I’m engaging not with a dead legend but with the living God."
...I'm actually almost in tears. I did not expect these to be so painfully applicable. Are we really THIS terrified of death?? We have ALL of these fears, but we haven't had ANY OF THESE HOPES. What on earth happened to us??
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Even the PRAYER!! Somehow there IS a disconnect between our understanding of Jesus in History and Jesus in Heaven??? Like it "changed His attitude towards humanity." NO, IT DIDN'T. THAT'S THE ENTIRE POINT. He was ALWAYS GOD, even as a Man-- and now, in heaven, He is STILL ALSO A MAN-- THAT EXACT SAME HISTORICAL MAN.
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Continuing Matthew Henry at verse 36.

"It is the duty of every one of us to believe in the gospel light, to receive it as a divine light, to subscribe to the truths IT discovers, for it is a light to our eyes, and to follow its guidance, for it is a light to our feet. Christ IS the Light, and we must believe in Him AS He is revealed to us; as a True Light that will not deceive us, a sure Light that will not misguide us... Those that believe in the Light shall be the children of light; they shall be owned as Christians."
I'm emphasizing this, however obvious it may seem as Christian instruction, because for that very reason we take it for granted. We don't properly apprehend its import.
First: this is our DUTY, which is "something that one is expected or required to do by moral or legal obligation." That means that every single human being is justly expected to believe in the Gospel. Why? Because it is DIVINE LIGHT, and that very Divinity created us all. So of course we have a duty, as His creations, TO believe IN His Gospel-- that declaration of our true King, to Whom we are thus furthermore LEGALLY obliged to believe in "as a duty". Lastly, there's also duty in the sense of "moral obligation," because even the most ignorant & uneducated pagan child has a "natural law" of God in their little heart, a spark OF "divine light" by virtue of their creation BY the very Source of Light, Whose image that child innately holds. Our entire human existence is immersed in holy duty, which is to do just one simple thing-- to trust & accept God's Word.
Secondly... In this day & age, when we hear the Gospel preached, we must hear it AS GOD'S WORD. Far too many people nowadays think the Scriptures are a human invention... many of them don't even deny that there IS a God to begin with, let alone One Who cares so much about mankind. A scary amount of unbelievers think that they ARE God, effectively, and both treat & preach their OWN words as "truth". But then all the idol "truths" conflict. Then what? Do we let relativism erase the reality of Divinity altogether? Do we feign ignorant innocence of truth because we fear to admit a Higher authority? Do we echo Pontius Pilate and wash our hands of our moral duty, even as the crowds are screaming for morality's crucifixion? NO. WE SUBSCRIBE TO ONE TRUTH, THE ONLY TRUTH-- THE TRUTH OF JESUS CHRIST. He alone tells us what is real and good and righteous. Whatever He says, IS. We CANNOT argue or cavil. We CANNOT hesitate or look for loopholes. We MUST TRUST HIM WITHOUT RESERVE. What other option do you have? What else is out there but the devils lies? Rejoice that you have the light for a little while, and embrace Him with everything you've got.
Fourth: Jesus's Light, His Truth, doesn't just show us the Way-- it ENABLES us to walk it.
Fifth, something I can never understate or emphasize enough... JESUS CANNOT LIE. JESUS CANNOT DECEIVE. Whatever He tells us IS TRUE. Wherever He leads us IS GOOD.
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Sixth... this is what it means to be a Christian. It means we are fully, really, rightly human... just like Christ.


"Jesus... said no more at this time, but left this to their consideration, and departed, and did hide Himself from them. And this He did, for their conviction and awakening. If they will not regard what He has said, He will have nothing more to say to them. They are joined to their infidelity, as Ephraim to idols; let them alone. Note, Christ justly removes the means of grace from those that quarrel with Him, and hides His face from a froward generation... what he said irritated and exasperated them, and they were made worse by that which should have made them better."
REMEMBER, WE GET WHAT WE GIVE, EVEN WITH SALVATION! If you refuse grace, refuse faith, refuse hope, refuse MERCY, then you will REAP THAT REFUSAL by simple justice. YOUR FREE WILL WILL BE RESPECTED, EVEN IF YOU MISUSE IT!! God never forces ANYONE to do anything against their will... EVEN TO BE SAVED.
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As for "being made worse," whose fault was that? Surely those who CHOSE to respond to gracious words with proud irritability and selfish exasperation!
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"We have here the honour done to our Lord Jesus by the Old-Testament prophets, who foretold and lamented the infidelity of the many that believed not on him. It was indeed a dishonour and grief to Christ that His doctrine met with so little acceptance and so much opposition; but this takes off the wonder and reproach, makes the offence of it to cease, and made it no disappointment to Christ, that herein the Scriptures were fulfilled."
This is tough to grasp properly.
Is this how we should view the events of life, especially its trials, especially lately?
We must avoid nihilism, though. We must never shirk or erase responsibility altogether. Biblical AND approved revelatory prophecies for the future WILL be fulfilled, for God speaks Truth, but it is STILL YOUR CHOICE as to what side of the prophecy you'll be on, so to speak. God ALWAYS WARNS US FIRST, and long ahead of time. Pay attention to Him!!
Nevertheless, when we know something is God's Will TO happen, then that does help assuage the fear, if only through trust in His Promised Plans.
Likewise, we know through MANY prophecies (especially the titular Apocalypse!) that the End Times WILL involve immense suffering & persecution for faithful Christians, and disaster for the Church (albeit never destroyed), so even when those times arrive, knowing that it "fulfills Scripture" DOES "take off the wonder and reproach," as we can still trust in God despite death standing at our very shoulder. We won't let devilish offenses drive us from the true Faith because God warned us about such ploys. Christ will not be surprised by any of it, just as He wasn't back then, because in the end of all ends, HE is the Omega, the goal of ALL prophecy, and HE holds EVERYTHING in His Omnipotent Hands.
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"The multitude of His miracles was not only a proof of His unexhausted Power, but gave the greater opportunity to examine them; and, if there had been a cheat in them, it was morally impossible but that in some or other of them it would have been discovered, [for] He wrought these miracles before them, not at a distance, not in a corner, but before many witnesses, appearing to their own eyes... and, being all miracles of mercy, the more there were the more good was done."
Oh wow, I never considered that about the proof of omnipotence! That's true!
I feel it's important to note that He left His miracles open to examination, too. He didn't seek to publicize or promote them, but He never kept them secret either. He just did them, right where & when they needed to be done, seeking neither fame nor reputation, and needing neither approval nor validation, but only working quietly & unstoppably for the glory of God.
Lastly, EVERY MIRACLE WAS MERCIFUL. Remember that, because THAT'S STILL HIS CHARACTER!!! Even today, when we pray to Him for great healings or cures or deliverances, we first MUST HAVE FAITH, and when He responds, it will ALWAYS BE WITH MERCY. The trouble is... we often presume we have enough faith, when we don't... or we ask for something we think is a worthy miracle, but it isn't... and when Christ says "no" to those situations, THAT IS STILL MERCY. Please remember that. But ALSO REMEMBER that Christ never leaves you empty-handed. Even to these unbelievers, He left wisdom and truth and hope and Light... they just wouldn't take it. They were too focused on having one particular want met in a specifically expected way, that they were blind & ignorant of the great and beautiful mystery of this Person offering His very Self to meet the deeper needs they wouldn't even admit they had.
I think that's the biggest lesson here. The endless miracles & endless power of mercy were all flowing from & pointing to the same single thing in the end... to Jesus Himself.


"The gospel is here called their report... which we have heard from God, and which you have heard from us... like the report of a matter of fact, or the report of a solemn resolution in the senate. [But] it is foretold that a few comparatively of those to whom this report is brought will be persuaded to give credit to it. Many hear it, but few heed it and embrace it: Who hath believed it? Here and there one, but none to speak of; not the wise, not the noble; it is to them but a report which wants confirmation... The reason why men believe not the report of the gospel is because the arm of the Lord is not revealed to them, that is, because they do not acquaint themselves with, and submit themselves to, the grace of God; they do not experimentally know the virtue and fellowship of Christ's death and resurrection, in which the arm of the Lord is revealed. They saw Christ's miracles, but did not see the arm of the Lord revealed in them."
First: the description of the Gospel as a report actually perfectly fits the prophetic & historical definition the Bible Project gave us this week, and which we wouldn't have known otherwise. The Gospel, the declaration of Christ's Kingship, was proclaimed in His miracles, and so they were indeed a royal report themselves! That report is NOT from men, and never was-- it originated IN CHRIST, Who ONLY did and spoke what He received FROM THE FATHER. So His Kingship, shown by His miracles, WAS a Fact, a solemn yet joyful resolution from the Creator of All. And just because it WAS from God Himself, ironically, is WHY so many men considered it "unconfirmed." They were thinking as men, as fallen creatures, as sin-blinded mortals... not by grace, not by the Light that was shining now right in front of them.
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When I read warnings like this, I always think: "how might this apply to us? DOES it apply to us?" What miracles has Christ worked in plain sight for us, but which we failed to see the Arm of the Lord working in?
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"We are sure that God is infinitely just and merciful, and therefore we cannot think there is in any such an impotency to good, resulting from the counsels of God, as lays them under a fatal necessity of being evil. [And yet] they were obstinately resolved in their infidelity, [in] the invincible refusal of the will... This is a moral impotency, like that of one that is accustomed to do evil."
First: NO ONE is "necessarily evil." NO ONE is "impotent to do good."
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"And yet," it says, these unbelievers of Christ "could not believe". In my humbled opinion, this was because they had refused TO be able. I say this because I know what insane and blinding lengths the mind will heedlessly take just to deny or evade something it does not want to see or admit or accept.
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"God damns none by mere sovereignty... God is not the author of sin, and yet, there is a righteous hand of God sometimes to be acknowledged in the blindness and obstinacy of those who persist in impenitency and unbelief, by which they are justly punished for their former resistance of the divine light and rebellion against the divine law... judicial blindness and hardness are, in the word of God, threatened against all those who wilfully persist in wickedness... If God withhold abused grace, and give men over to indulged lusts-- if He permit the evil spirit to do his work on those that resisted the good Spirit-- and if in His Providence He lay stumbling-blocks in the way of sinners, which confirm their prejudices, then He blinds their eyes, and hardens their hearts... these are spiritual judgments, like the giving up of idolatrous Gentiles to vile affections, and degenerate Christians to strong delusions."
This entire truth, awful and vital, is something we must always emphasize. Free will, and our ability to not only choose sin, but neglect good-- both positive and negative evil-- have FATAL CONSEQUENCES.
Let me take this piece by piece.
First: God NEVER damns us "just because He can." That goes against His entire Nature. God WANTS ALL TO BE SAVED, always, no exceptions, forever. HOWEVER. We can still REJECT salvation, actively or passively, and He will also not save us "by mere sovereignty." Love gives the beloved the free option to reject that love, to choose to separate themselves from the lover. Otherwise, without this freedom to say no, there can be no willing, mutual, or true relationship. So God gives us that option. We can refuse His Love, even if we would be alone and empty and miserable without it. He still won't force us to accept His Love, OR to love Him, ever... but, like I just mentioned in passing, that rejection has real consequences.
Second... if we persist in rebelling against the Divine Law-- the exact same cosmic Rule that holds the very galaxy in order-- then what else could happen, but that we will effectively damn ourselves to a state of spiritual "primordial disorder" without the Spirit’s enlivening Influence? If we continue to resist the Divine Light, what else could happen, but that we damn ourselves to inescapable darkness, to the very degeneration of our spiritual sight, the actual atrophy of the eyes of our heart? We bring this ON OURSELVES, but God ALLOWS IT, in all justice, because WE CHOSE IT by our persistent impenitent sin... our repeated rejection of Love.
Third, we have the scariest line here to me: "God will withhold abused grace, and give men over to indulged lusts."
Fourth, remember the "room swept but empty." Even if our lives look clean & tidy on the outside, like a swanky new house, if our inside state is devoid of Life, without the spousal company of the Good and Holy Spirit... well, then the demonic squatters will sneak in to steal the space. That's just a spiritual law. The heart cannot be empty; that defies its very purpose. You will always find it filled with something... if not the beauty of God, then the ruin of sin. When we choose to worship ourselves and live alone in our heart... it's only a matter of time before egotism turns into animalism, and pagan promiscuity starts letting anyone in, secretly afraid of the suffocating solitary silence in the absence of Love.
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Fifth, stumbling-blocks of Providence! What a concept! Let me grapple with this. They are described as such because they "confirm the prejudices of sinners," and are laid specifically TO do so. How is this Providential? Because it is a sign of God's spiritual judgment, a testimony of righteousness against their obstinate wickedness, and a proof of truth against their falsehoods. But what's an example?
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Sixth, DEGENERATE CHRISTIANS & DELUSIONS. I shudder to admit I WAS ONCE ONE OF THEM.
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"Observe the method of conversion implied here, and the steps taken in it:
[1.] Sinners are brought to see with their eyes, to discern the reality of divine things and to have some knowledge of them.
[2.] To understand with their heart, to apply these things to themselves; not only to assent and approve, but to consent and accept.
[3.] To be converted, and effectually turned from sin to Christ, from the world and the flesh to God, as their felicity and portion.
[4.] Then God will heal them, will justify and sanctify them; will pardon their sins, which are as bleeding wounds, and mortify their corruptions, which are as lurking diseases.
Now when God denies His grace nothing of this is done; the alienation of the mind from, and its aversion to, God and the divine life, grow into a rooted and invincible antipathy, and so the case becomes desperate."
Hope and terror here together, as it always is in Scripture, and rightly so.
First, to be converted, we must first SEE-- we must, as plainly as our physical sight, SEE that divine things are not just REAL, but REALITY. There is a difference. To suddenly "see" that the Gospel is not just true historically, but Truth Itself-- rather, Truth HIMSELF-- to realize that Heaven and Hell, judgment and sin and grace and redemption, are ALL REAL and in fact DEFINE REALITY at every turn, that changes everything. It's like seeing colors for the first time. It's like hearing "Ephatha." And to really see something IS to gain knowledge of it-- you're not just passively absorbing visual data; you're looking, you're processing what is before you, you're gazing upon it.
But as to why sight is step one to conversion: you only need conversion because you turned away from God. You rejected Him. You wouldn't look at Him. You shut out all awareness and acknowledgement of His Love-- which, guess what? IS REALITY. You blinded yourself to Truth and you forgot what it looked like. Well... then you need to see it again, at long last, even just a glimpse. Then you have hope. But on your own, you can't even imagine it. It's like a color you've never seen... solely because you've been living in darkness. You need grace to shine a little light on your life *clap clap* and make you see.
Second: Seeing isn't enough. Even gazing & contemplating aren't enough. Wonder is wonderful, but James 1:23 warns us all that we still have weak eyes. When you look, then, you must press that image deeper-- you must emblazon it on your heart. You must understand what you see. The most stunning artistic masterpiece is still just a senseless splash of shape & color to one who doesn't understand what they are looking at. They must look into it, from inside themselves. "What is essential is invisible to the eye," after all. But... understanding goes deeper still. It implies a relationship has been forged, however small. There is now a connection between you and the thing understood. And this connection, this relationship, necessitates compassion. That is where conversion keeps its roots.
(APPLY TO SELF; ASSENT & APPROVE, CONSENT & ACCEPT)
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Third:
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Fourth: the promises!! God "WILL" heal you, and
BECAUSE now you are IN RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, and such benefits are INEVITABLE.
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Fifth... the terror.
What happens when you "alienate yourself" from Life? What happens when you stop eating, or drinking-- what happens when you stop breathing? Do you realize that is the state of your soul without the Spirit?
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"Such is the Knowledge of God that He cannot be deceived in what He foresees, and such His Truth that He cannot deceive in what He foretells, so that the Scripture cannot be broken."
A reminder that EVERYTHING IN SCRIPTURE IS TRUE.
...I'm struck by the description "it cannot be broken," BECAUSE it is true, as if implying that falsehood shatters things, and that all lies will BE shattered, by necessity.