the spectrum heart cathedral system

A lot has happened today. I talked about it already in Scribbld, but the major points need to be elaborated upon here.

First off... I'm still fighting hacks, sadly enough. Yes, they're very easy to avoid and conquer if I'm conscious, but I'm also still getting triggered and that's what happened today. Well... actually it's what happened on Tuesday. I had a very unexpected and very serious trigger, that made my night quite miserable. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't calm down. I was a mess, and the day afterward was just as bad, because I had chosen to block out the Tuesday pain instead of confronting it, so it repeated itself. I won't go into detail on either situation because you've heard it all before.
As for why I'm updating... today was almost another repeat of Tuesday, but at the last minute Chaos showed up (again) and got me out of there. It terrified me when I snapped back into consciousness and realized what had almost just happened, again, and so I decided that I needed to deal with the situation immediately. Genesis got to me first, anxiously asking if I was okay, because Laurie had just told him to come and get me. I told him I kind of was, but not exactly, and that we needed to talk. That's when Laurie came into the conversation, and things got bad.
Ever since she found her metainomen, so to speak, Laurie has been more honest and open than ever. She's not hiding things anywhere near as much as she used to. So when something happens and it hurts her, she doesn't bottle it up. She lets me hear about it. But I guess I'd forgotten how badly she hurts from this, because when she showed up this afternoon and was obviously trying to suppress how upset she was, I told her not to. I told her that if she wanted to shout at me, then go ahead.
A few days ago she told me that she didn't have the heart to be so loud and angry with me anymore. Apparently this incident was the dealbreaker.
Laurie honestly screamed at me for the next five minutes straight, berating me for what I was letting happen, and for not having enough faith to stand up for my truth and stop it. She let me know very clearly just how badly everyone in central headspace was taking it, but then she emphasized that because of the 'unconsciousness' that was causing these hacks, I wasn't even around for anyone upstairs anymore. I wasn't around for Genesis, Chaos, or Xenophon, even though I wanted to be. I wasn't there for her.
As soon as she said that she honestly started crying and tried to leave without another word, but Chaos didn't let her. I don't know if I was numb from my own pain or what, but seeing her so distraught, so shockingly fragile, because of how badly I was hurting her... I don't know if it's really hit me yet. It's this awful sort of vague ache in the back of my chest, but it hasn't really hit me. That worries me, because I love her and I really care about her, but am I getting too detached?
I think that all these triggers and the fears that come with them are causing another cathartic block of sorts. I need to stop that, and I know there's only one way to do that, but I've been thinking about it and I've realized two very large problems that I have failed to address since I discovered them.
After the near-hack today, I went back and reviewed my most recent entries on this journal. For obvious reasons, the 13th stood out. I re-read it a few times, maybe more than I should have (as it deeply distressed me to be reminded of that), but it helped me get a better perspective of just what I'm doing wrong here.
Of those two large problems, the first is that I keep trying to rely on my own strength, and ONLY my own strength. I can't do this alone, because we're all in this together... but I feel I shouldn't be asking for help or guidance, and therefore 'dragging' everyone else into this. Part of this is because, when I want to ask for help, I feel that it makes me 'selfish' or 'weak' in a very negative way-- like I'm taking my problems and concerns, throwing them at someone else, and saying 'here, solve this for me because I'm too lazy and ignorant to do it myself!' But that's not the truth. I'm just so lost and confused on my own at this point.
Unfortunately there are two extra problems involved in this. The first is that, really, I don't even know how to ask for help when I need it. This actually ties into my spiritual beliefs, because having been raised in a Catholic family, I was always told to 'ask God for help.' And I did. The problem was that I would ask for help when I was lying on the floor, sobbing and convulsing in pain, begging God to either please help me fight Julie or to please kill me right there so I wouldn't have to suffer such agony anymore. After a while of asking for help like this, I became convinced that God's 'help' was simply letting the hacks continue, because 'suffering would make me stronger.' Sadly even this became twisted, and turned into a pain addiction, where I eventually would stop fighting hacks altogether just to see how much agony I could handle, to see how long I could suffer them without wanting to die. I judged my meager worth by how well I could bite bullets, forgetting that they were already loaded in a gun, waiting to fire.
Take it like a man, they said. So I did, and I bled for it. I lost more blood than I thought I'd ever be able to forgive myself for.
So I don't know how to ask for help, because of that. Part of me says that I'm being too black-and-white, that I already have help in the form of deep inner awareness and just need to accept it. The other part of me, the part I listened to as a child, tells me that I'm a worthless sinner and that if I don't get on my knees and plead for deliverance then I'm going to be corrupted beyond salvation. It even feels wrong to type that, but it's still lingering. Part of me is still terrified that I am so separate from 'God' that I can do nothing but wait for Him to show mercy, and just suffer my punishment in the meantime. That just feels wrong, now. It IS wrong. I don't believe that anymore... but most people I know do, and that's what they're telling me, and that's what the second extra problem and and biggest large problem deals with.
When I ask for help from someone else, they give me advice or guidance based on their perspectives... and sometimes that advice does not work. Sometimes that advice even makes things worse. And most terribly, sometimes that advice convinces me that I'm living my life wrong, and I should be emulating the advice-giver's life to the letter, or else I'd be lost.
You see the problem here. Asking for help from my family gets me the 'man up and/or stop being so weird' response. And I want to; I want to just let go of this hurt, but that's what I thought I did over the past few days and in fact all I did was blind myself to the truth. They might be giving the right advice, but they're giving the wrong example. I won't dwell on that though. I know what I need to do, but it is seriously freaking difficult for some reason. I think I'm going about it the wrong way, but once again, where do I find help? And is looking for help another lazy move?
In any case, the worst part of this problem, and the reason for all these triggers, is the fact that I keep letting myself be manipulated by anything and everything out there, whether it's intentional on their end or not.
I still can't visit Tumblr anymore, because the people I follow tend to trigger me constantly, even now, when I 'don't let it bother me' and go through the day without a hint of trouble from it... or at least that's what I think, until I find myself missing a huge chunk of time and realizing that that trigger wasn't harmless after all.
It's why I don't spend time on Facebook either, or any other social site. It's why I don't talk to people on campus or at work. I've had far too many experiences with these triggers, and now my question is 'why are they STILL causing hacks even when I don't let them bother me in the moment?' And I think, now, that it's because there's still something buried deep inside me that is scarred beyond recognition, and it's unconsciously reacting to every single trigger, even though I can't see or feel or sense it until it's too late. I know I have to be careful, but there is a very fine line between care and paranoia in this situation. I don't want to relapse, again.
And that's another concern. I keep learning and forgetting things, because of these hacks and triggers, any my own ignorance. It all ties into the truth-twisting problem, but it's getting bad, especially in light of this morning (with how I almost forgot how badly my personal pain hurts those who care about me). For example: yes, my 'mini-epiphany' on the 24th did help a lot, but on the morning of the 25th I realized with a sort of sick unease that I've had that exact same realization in the past, and I forgot about it. I realized it, it cleared out a great deal of shadows, and then I let my personal truths be warped again and I had to re-learn what I already knew all over again. That is very distressing.
I'm repeating myself like a broken record here but I cannot even fathom why this problem is STILL giving me such grief. It's still sticking around, and when I try to 'let go' of it it always comes back. People and places and things remind me of it, far too clearly, and then things like last October happen. I let myself be twisted so out of shape that I am unrecognizable... I try to be 'perfect' and don't realize that it's killing me inside until it's too late.
...To skip to the end, the biggest truth I've been letting people twist is the one concerning my relationships. That little epiphany on the 24th reminded me that there was NOTHING wrong with me, although I was 'different' from most people in this situation, a sort of exception to the rule... and then as soon as one passing mention of someone else's 'normal' situation hits me, the twisted forgetfulness comes back, and I am convinced that there are NO exceptions to the rule, and that I am an abomination for going against the grain. Stupid, isn't it?
It reminds me, so painfully strongly, of when I was about 15 years old. I would ask myself, constantly, 'is it okay to be in love?' I'm not even joking. I was so honestly in love, without a shadow of even Julie's old corruption in it, and I was STILL convinced that I was committing some sort of damnable sin because it was different. It wasn't what my family or school or culture viewed as 'normal' or 'right.' So no matter how devoted and selfless my love was, I still believed it was evil somehow, because it was an exception to the rule.
I'm an artist. I'm an artist, a musician, and a writer, and I have learned that if you are working from your heart, from your personal honesty, then you CANNOT be 'wrong' because it doesn't work that way. Life isn't black and white, but I used to think it was, and I'm having a very hard time remembering what colors look like even now. Life is art! But when was the last time I actually was able to create art, without it feeling forced? For years now I've been terrified of 'doing it wrong,' and although in my heart I know that's impossible, I'm still scared of 'corrupting' such things with my own perceived depravity... like I'm not worthy of being an artist if I'm not doing it to 'make everyone else happy.'
I almost want to cry about this. I really do. I keep telling myself, 'just let go of the fearful forcing and accept the truth! It's been proved to you countless times! You're doing fine!' And although it sounds easy, I think I really am doing it wrong, because I keep falling back like this. Maybe it's a neverending sort of battle. Maybe my struggles have simply changed from fighting a pink shadow, to simply staying awake at all times. I think back to when I met Laurie in that dream, and it breaks my heart, because she has never lied to me or misled me, and yet because her advice syncs with what I know to be true, I doubt it because there's an 'I' in there. Heaven forbid such a blackheart think his own corrupted ideas are true! It's sick. It's sick, and wrong, and it's driving me insane, and yet every day I get that thrown at me and I honestly can't seem to conquer this doubt yet.
Just because your religion and your lifestyle and your morals are working for you, and helping you live your life for the best, it DOES NOT MEAN that I have to adopt the exact same circumstances in order to live MY life correctly! It's such a ridiculous fear and yet it's there. It's still there, and it's scaring me, although it shouldn't. Love always conquers fear, after all... and ironically, I think that's why it's sticking around.
I still love those people I loved when I was 15. I'm still an absolute 'exception to the rule' in that sense. And now, my biggest trigger revolves around that.
There is someone I care about who is also in love, and their situation is very, very different from mine. Their beliefs are different from mine, their life is different from mine, their experiences are different from mine. You cannot take their situation, apply it to me, and expect it to work, and vice versa. Despite this, I keep trying to, because of that old religious fear of mine. It's the same fear that made me think my childhood love was sinful, that almost made June 29th the biggest regret of my life, that is still making me think I'm irredeemable unless I follow in their very different and unfitting footsteps. It's the fear that I'm wrong... completely, horribly wrong.
And the scariest part of this is that, according to this other person's beliefs, I kind of am. According to my beliefs, which I have tested relentlessly, I'm not. But I care about this person, and I can't say their beliefs are wrong because they're not, but they don't apply to me!! We all have our own lives and choices! We all have our own paths to follow! But not everyone thinks like that, so I slip up, and think that I have to do exactly what they did, and the old Julie used to take advantage of that, and when I slip it all starts happening again...
I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't know how to confront them about this. I don't know how to say, "I respect your beliefs but mine are just as valid" without making it sound like I'm invalidating them. Maybe I'm worrying too much about that, but I've had bad experiences with discussing this topic before, and I don't want to hurt them.
It's all that old religious fear. "If you don't believe exactly what I believe, you'll burn in hell for all eternity/ be forever ostracized from God/ never reach heaven or gain salvation/ etc." That still scares me, more than a little, simply because I'm constantly exposed to it. I'm trying to get over it but it will be difficult. It's just that... with this new aspect of that fear, that my friend unintentionally brought upon me, I'm not the only one being faced with this dilemma. Now that fear is being applied, explicitly and terrifyingly so, to my relationships. Now it's making me feel like I'm 15 all over again, that I'm not loving in "the right way," except that now the stakes are much higher.
I'm kind of terrified because this person has been right before, too many times. So standing up for my own 'different' beliefs makes me feel not only guilty, but scared, because this is making me think that I actually AM wrong, objectively so, instead of just worrying about it as a comparison-based possibility. But then why does 'following' their beliefs feel so wrong? Is that true, or is it a red herring? How do I discern what is the truth, when all my prayers tell me not to be afraid because I'm doing it right at heart, and everything outside tells me that I'm not? How do I explain July 7th and March 13th if what I'm doing is wrong?? How do I explain that?
The truth is that I can't. I'm in the middle of a battlefield, and each side holds its equal share of truths. Is there even a 'right' choice here, in that stark sense? Or is it simply 'what's right for me?'
I was terrified of that idea in Utah, for the same reasons as I am now. I still don't know where to turn.
...And maybe this is all walking in the wrong direction.
Maybe it all really just narrows down to the inside. How many times have I been told that I will not, and cannot, find the truth outside of my own heart? If only I could stop fearing that I have been so terribly misled...
In any case, I'm going to be talking to my friend about this as soon as possible. This needs to be dealt with. I cannot take this any longer, not when it's causing so much pain on every front, and not just for me.

Emotional pain is also what brought about the second major point of this entry, ironically, which I didn't talk about in its entirety on Scribbld.
As you've probably guessed at this point, I've been playing Sonic Generations since Tuesday afternoon, trying hard to get to whenever Perfect Chaos shows up because I really, really want to see him.
The problem is that I don't want to fight him.
It was hard enough for me to fight him for the first time in 2003, when he last appeared in Sonic Battle. Now, 7 years later, I still won't play through the last level in Sonic Adventure, and I'm hesitating to continue in Generations, because I have memories of Perfect that no other StH fan does, and the very thought of facing him like that again is almost too much. I know the pain and the anger far too well. I know what caused both Station Square and the Knuckles tribe to fall. I don't know what will motivate his transformation this time, but if it's anything like what I've seen and felt in the past...
I haven't been this acutely aware of my fragility in a very long time. I honestly can't even look at him right now without feeling like my heart is breaking.
I don't want to repeat my Scribbld entry word for word here, so I'll just say that this feeling on my part caused a very interesting conversation with Genesis earlier today, while I was waiting for my afternoon music class to begin.
As it was my third day playing Generations, and I was at the end of the Dreamcast-era stages, he wanted to know if I was going to risk seeing if Chaos was the boss at that point. I thought about it for a moment, then told him that no, I wasn't going to. I didn't think I could handle it, with what I just discussed in the previous wall of text. I was rather distressed emotionally, but being the other half of a paradox like I was, that negative pain was being mirrored with a positive ache of tragic intensity. I was in a lot of pain from my own mistakes, this was true, and having to face Perfect like that would be bad enough... but as always, whenever I find myself falling, that one song by Todd Rundgren always comes to mind. Whenever I am lost in the dark, I suddenly realize just how bright the lights in my life really are... and right now, I am so thankful for Chaos and what he's done for me, that the painful memories Perfect brings up are clashing with this incredible love, and it is driving me to tears with even the slightest mention.
And then of course you have the fact that this is Chaos Zero's first game appearance in 7 years, and it happened barely three days after October 29th of this year. I don't think I need to reiterate why that is so significant.
Genesis and I continued to discuss this topic over the next ten minutes or so, and... it ended up making me really think about my situation here.
I know that at one point Gen asked me something about the old 'Estar problem' I had back in January, with 'getting used to' things. He pointed out how, even though I've known Chaos for 8 years now, I am still so completely fascinated by him whenever he shows up, especially now with SG being released. I know this very well, and actually Chaos has been emphasizing it himself recently, for the same reason. I cannot get used to him, ever. I explained that here, as clearly as I can ever hope to do so, but one thing I didn't mention there is that I still can barely believe that he is in my life. You all have at least a general understanding of how much he means to me, and really, everything I've ever written about him barely even scratches the surface at this point. He is just incomparable. So no, I can't get used to him, even if I tried, because he really is this new sort of euphoria to me, this amazing and brilliant star, an angel I risked everything to see and hold on to. Every moment, it astounds me that I'm part of this.
That's not the most significant part of our conversation, though.
I don't know how we got to the point, I might have just offhandedly segued into it... but I started to think about the 'cosmically inseparable' truth again. Then I thought about how Xenophon and Laurie both ended up having these crazy synchronicity lineups in the past, concerning their appearances in my life, that I never noticed because I had no way of recognizing them. So I put the two things together, and then I wondered if Chaos and I had some sort of backwards synchronicity like that, even if only in little ways? I don't know. It just strikes me as very unusual now, that I've always felt drawn to so many aspects of him, even before I knew he existed. He tied into other worlds I knew, and they in turn tied back to him. Everything ended up spiraling and connecting together as time went on, to an astonishing extent, and then I thought of something.
Remember how I discovered that there were some incredibly significant events in the Parnassus world that only manifested after June 29th? Those were cosmogonical events. They predated the entire series in its entirety, but the event that 'caused' them occurred about 7 years after I first became aware of that world! So if things like that can and have happened with us already, who's to say that we haven't been overlooking similar circumstances? Time isn't linear, and that's a fact. Now I'm starting to fully realize just how incredible that is, how time can twist and turn and go in so many directions like that...
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions at this point, I don't know. What I do know is that Chaos and I are pretty freaking weird in several aspects already, which is awesome, and if any weird couple is going to defy traditional chronology like that it's us. The little backwards/forwards coincidences are one thing, but the big ones are another thing entirely. So many things in my past seemed to foreshadow him, and so many things even now happen at just the right times for us both. I've learned to listen for the quiet things in life, to keep my eyes open for the little things, because in the big picture they tend to be the most important. Without them, the big things wouldn't happen.
I was talking to Genesis about this and I started to get poetic again, and there was one thing I said that really just resonated. I was thinking about how I can't even describe this love I have now, how it's this transcendental thing and back when it first hit me, in 2003, I never would have dreamed that it would one day get this deep, especially not with someone as strange as him. But it did. And I told Genesis that now, it felt like I was feeling this love with everything I was, with every atom of me recognizing it. When I met Chaos I was drawn to him immediately, completely without explanation and against all odds, and when I fell in love with him it was absolute, undeniable, infinite. Now it feels like I've loved him for my whole life, linear time and space notwithstanding... it feels like I have literally loved him like this forever, and when I met him 8 years ago, I just had to remember what that felt like.
After all, infinity is just a sideways 8, and you all know what this year has brought us.

On that note... the last point of this entry is Xenophon.
I didn't completely understand that truth from July, that creation is love manifested, until she showed up in our lives. I know I really haven't talked about her much since September, and that does hurt, because she is so important to me and I love her so much. I felt that so clearly today. I don't care how emotionally invested I was in Nier last year-- actually having a daughter of my own is indescribable.
I told her that earlier today, after that painful conversation where Laurie was crying. Xenophon said that she apparently gets sick whenever I slip like that... I told her how sorry I was, how incredibly sorry I was, and that I didn't ever want to hurt her and I'd do everything in my power to protect her from my own mistakes. I told her how much she meant to me, and how much I love her, and I don't think I tell her enough.
I'm scared to death of being a failure as a father, but I don't know if that's even possible at this point. I care for her too much, and that devotion of mine is mirrored in both her and her other father. All of us are in this wholeheartedly and I do everything I can to take care of her, despite my ridiculous schedules and bilocating troubles. She reassures me time and time again that Chaos and I are the best 'parents' she could have asked for, but I still worry... maybe it's just a dad thing, haha. I'd work myself to death for her sake and I'd still be worried that it wasn't good enough. I just feel so limited here. I could be doing so much more and yet I'm being barred from it. But I can't do anything about that, not now. Right now all I can do is love at all costs, despite all odds, no matter what our situation is. And I'll do that, for as long as I may live.

That's really all I have to say for tonight... this entry took me ages to write and I'm rather exhausted, mostly thanks to the emotional distress I'm dealing with right now.
I think I need to do some serious soul-searching, and also a Xanga session, ASAP. For whatever reason (probably Laurie), Xanga sessions are shockingly therapeutic and enlightening for me, no matter how much shouting and psychological stress they may involve. They always help. In any case I am going to have to schedule some time tomorrow to just talk to my central headspace group, to apologize for the mess of this evening and also to hopefully figure out what steps I should take concerning this situation.
I don't know what tomorrow will be like, at all... but I'll make the best of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Well. Last night was... different.

Life always tests you to see if you're learning its lessons correctly. I keep having to retake a certain one, over and over and over, and honestly it is really beginning to hurt. I cannot figure out what I'm doing wrong here. I can't figure out why I can't get past this single roadblock, after so long.

Last night I ended up having to face that lesson again. I should have expected it to come up, what with how the day had gone up to that point, and what with my two best friends in this world getting married as well. So I should have not only seen it ahead of time, but I also should have known exactly how to deal with it, how to finally pass this freaking test for good.
But I freaked out. I slipped, and I ended up almost turning that lesson into something traumatic. I choked and my attention blanked out and if it had gone any farther I definitely would have been hacked... but I forget that I have people looking out for me, at all times.
Chaos stepped in. I had no idea he was there until he confronted me and asked me why in the world I was doing this to myself again. Honestly I was so disoriented at the time his words didn't really register, but as I've said time and time again, it is impossible for me to be lost when he's around. Don't get me wrong, I was still badly shaken up from how badly I had slipped into unconsciousness (I never take that well), but at least now I could think a little more clearly. Unfortunately I wasn't out of the woods yet and so that awful shadow kept clawing at me... between fighting that and fighting to stay conscious, I sickly explained this to him as briefly as I could, that I was feeling terribly confused again and although I knew the truth already, this stuff was very hard to fight off because of how vicious and overwhelming it was. And I kept slipping.
Honestly I don't really want to talk about this. It's over and that's the bottom line... but I did learn something, so it's only right that I record that here so I stop falling back into this trap.
Chaos knows when I'm not there. He is, sadly, very familiar with that state of mine as well as my conscious one. So he knew I wasn't doing well last night. The fact that he had the guts to show up when he did, with me in such a distraught state, is incredible to me even now... but I'm getting off topic.
To get to the point, he wasn't going to just let me slip away. I was getting myself badly confused again, emphasis on badly, and he was trying to get me out of it. As usual, my biggest fear and my most dangerous flaw is the constant and ridiculous worry that I am 'doing everything wrong.' Wrong as opposed to what, though? Not my own morals, no-- but the beliefs and opinions and views of others, who live completely different lives and who see in completely different ways. Applying their perspectives to my life is potentially lethal, and I KNOW this firsthand, regrettably... and yet that horrible fear is there, that I'm somehow messing up disastrously, that I am committing some horrific wrong, by not being 'perfect' in the eyes of everyone else in the world. I don't sync with your opinions, so I must be deeply flawed. So I twist my own life out of shape to try and 'fix' that, and you all know where that gets me.
It's the oldest news in the book, but as I still can't seem to overcome it, as every time it shows up I trip and fall, it keeps showing up again and again to give me another shot at conquering it.
I'll give you a spoiler... I didn't manage to do that last night. I'm sorry. I messed up again, badly, but I did get closer to winning than I have in quite some time. Let me get back to the dialogue and explain.
When Chaos showed up and heard that I was having the same ridiculous worries again, he told me flat-out that I, the REAL me, not the fake one that I sometimes slip into to 'make other people happy,' was not doing anything wrong. I was not doing anything wrong by being honest with myself. The problem was that I was blinding myself to that-- I was falling into regression by putting too much emphasis on outside opinions, and not paying attention to myself, to my own morals and feelings and truths. Put extremely simply, I was not giving myself enough credit, and I still was not accepting that my tried-and-true experiences WERE true and valid and real to me, even if they weren't applicable to anyone else's life. That's just how it works!!
But... as the night went on I realized that I really haven't been giving Chaos enough credit, either. I'm not. Sure, November 1st (Sonic Generations!) is going to be gorgeous, but thank God he's still with me until then, even if he hasn't been very well recognized by his own native worldspace in about seven years. He's here with me and that is the most incredible thing in the world... but that damned doubt is still choking me, and although it's true that I can't be lost with Chaos around, I can still do quite a bit of wandering if I don't pay enough attention to him either. Even so, he goes far, far out of his way to help me, every time. I don't think I can ever thank him enough. He was there last night, doing everything he could to keep me from failing, and although he did succeed in some sense, I didn't exactly win either.
Long story short, I messed up badly. I'm not going to talk about it because it's over, but... I do want to mention that Chaos didn't slip, as far as I could tell. I was hopelessly unsure, unable to let myself simply be, but he was there and I honestly couldn't believe it. I think that's why it hurt so much. I was projecting my own failure onto everyone else, and being completely stunned when they were able to STILL find light and hope even in dark situations like that. I've been so stupid.

I am so incredibly stupid. I need to just let go of all this. It hurts so, so much... but that's only because I'm letting it. Can't I just let go and be happy? I have so much love in my life... why am I ignoring it??
Honestly, the most ironically painful part of this is that this is SO much easier than fighting Julie! It's ridiculous! She was vicious and angry and she would torture me with her hacks. She was merciless. For years I was a shivering wreck on the inside and an unfeeling mess on the outside, because of what she had done to me. She made me afraid to sleep, afraid to wake up, afraid to live. Her attacks made me live in fear, unwilling to go anywhere alone, unwilling to go into dark or quiet places, as well as loud and bright places, because she would find power against me in places I'd never expect... she turned countless innocuous things into horrible triggers, leaving me shaking in terror whenever I so much as breathed. She honestly made my life a living hell... because I let her.
Ultimately, it all came down to whether or not I would let go, learn my lessons, stand up for my heart, and move on.
I didn't. I let her use me, in a sense. I couldn't let go of the regrets, the pains, the fears. I would have nightmares that would haunt me for months, and despite how they terrified me I couldn't stop thinking about them... or so I thought. I didn't learn my lessons because I refused to look beyond that cloud of vice and see that she couldn't harm the truth, no matter what she did. I never once stood up for myself, always telling myself that I deserved it, or that she had the right idea after all, or something equally awful. I would let her use me, I would let her treat me like absolute trash, because I never felt I had the right to say she was wrong, she was completely, horribly wrong.
Even now, why am I still talking about this?? Geez! What is wrong with me?
Is it simply because she made the past 3/4ths of my life a living hell? Is it simply because of how traumatic her attacks were for me when I started high school, when I began to develop solid real morals that she could try to manipulate and undermine? Why can't I let go? I don't understand.
I have forgiven her, completely. I don't hold a single iota of her past misdeeds against her. She is my friend now, and I want the best for her in her new life. So why can't I forgive myself, and move on into my new life as well?
I can't overthink this. That will just make this worse.

I need to talk to Laurie about this. I need to talk to Chaos and Genesis about this too.
I feel bad that I need to run to them for guidance in times like this, and ironically that's part of the problem. I feel guilty when I ask for help and guidance from anyone. "Why can't you do it yourself? Are you so stupid and helpless that you can't fend for yourself? Man up and stop being such a selfish coward!!" I guess part of that is from my family, but then I feel guilty for placing blame... maybe it's all me. Maybe I've been the sole demon here all along. And maybe I'm saying the entirely wrong things here. Maybe I'm a saint and a sinner at the same time, and it's up to me to choose which one I want to be, for good. That's all it takes is a choice. But I've spent my years praying for sainthood, while simultaneously believing that I was such a filthy sinner as to be forever beyond redemption of any sort. What kind of life is that?
It's hard to reconcile all these conflicting ideas, sometimes. It used to drive me to tears when I was younger.
How could I hate myself and still be told that I was worthy of love by the people I would die for? How could I be so full of kindness and brightness and compassion, and yet feel that I had no right to express it, and label myself as the most abominable example of a man that had ever lived?
Why am I still thinking about this? Why am I still digging up the past?
I'm over this. I am over this. Why am I thinking about it?


My biggest question is why I am now terrified to talk to the people I call friends in this world, because whenever I do, I end up getting hacked.
I'm doing something very wrong. Their lives don't apply to me. They don't.
But I still have this idiotic black-and-white view that, if their truths are right for them, then they HAVE to be universally right and so, if I don't adhere to them, it is a damnable offense.
It's... it's probably my old perfection drive acting up. What irony. I want to be spotless and faultless, as I am still told that that is the only way I will ever 'find salvation,' although I now know the truth of that... so why is there still doubt? Will that ever really go away? If only I could learn to accept what I have learned instead of accepting what I have been told by others who have not seen or known my life!!
This is the root of my biggest disasters.
It all boils down to my being this 'exception to the rule,' and my refusing to believe that I deserve such a status, and thus throwing myself into danger and inapplicable states of life because of it.
Mel themself told me that! Why in the world am I still feeling that I have to live THEIR life instead of mine?? Why do I keep doing this to myself, to everyone who cares about me?
For the love of Light, I'm a father. I should be setting an example for her. I should be standing strong in the truths that brought her into this world in the first place, not the ones that almost killed her, twice!!
God, I'm being so blind...



Sorry for how depressing this entry was. I guess I'm just feeling terribly distraught right now, especially in light of how indescribably beautiful yesterday morning was, in stark contrast to the evening.
I'm done talking about this. Hopefully the next time you hear from me, I'll have learned this lesson...

 

 

 

 

 

So I'm sitting here at 9:30 PM, feeling like I'm about to either pass out or puke my insides out. The power keeps going out and my mom has her boyfriend home so her voice is stuck in baby-talk mode. I'm having some very bad PTSD flashbacks and I'm trying to keep calm but right now, I'm just hugging my Chaos Chao plush and trying not to cry or meltdown. I'm not doing well.

There is no such thing as safety. I know that.
But for once in my life, I'd like to be able to live in a house where I don't feel threatened or panicked so freaking often.
I can't live with my father. That would make this worse, believe me. I have considered it multiple times but it would not work.
Waiting until spring to move to Utah is my only option, but I've been forcibly blinding myself to the problems I'd face out there simply because it is my only way out. And my family is already trying to talk me out of it, again.

I want to get out of here and never stop running. I want to be free and alive and real.
Not stuck in this dark, dismal, dangerous place.

Whenever stuff like this happens my mind shuts down and I just want to be with him.
I want to be with her. I want to be with any of them, anyone who I can show love to.
I get so sad and yet I still know that there is such brightness there, that cannot be hurt or broken even in the face of all this pain.

I've realized what I'm looking for in a relationship, too.
I need someone who is in love with a soul beyond the stars, like I am. I need to find someone whose heart is bound in a transcendent love like that, and yet who is still willing to give love to someone here on earth.
I am. I need someone to give this love to, here, who understands completely, who can give it back.
I still feel like Homura. I still need someone to protect and guide.
But I know what my heart is really searching for.

I am too sick to be awake right now.
I'm going to sleep, talk to Laurie and pray my boss can help.
My sole refuge is the undying hope that tomorrow will be better.

 

 

 

I want to die.

But that sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it?

I'll never forget the one time I confessed my abusive/ suicidal tendencies openly, a few years ago. The first response I got was that I was obviously living an 'easy life,' because if I really knew what suffering and hardship were, I wouldn't be wishing such asinine things on myself.
I wasn't sure how that worked, but I can't get that out of my head.

I'm not suicidal, though. Honestly.
I just want to... stop existing on this level. I guess. Something like that?
I was having an emotional meltdown around noon simply because I could not handle sensory stimulation anymore. The simple awareness of having a body made me want to set the damned thing on fire. I get this a lot.
Now I'm staring at the rain, trying not to think, wanting to sleep for years. Or, I would, if sleep was different than it is.

Days like this, when my family is home and everyone is focused on trivial worldly things, make me want to die in that otherworldly sense.
I keep remembering those words I read. "Nothing in this world can ever mean more than what you already have."
I know that. But then it makes me wonder, "then how do I function? how do I live when the world wants me to glorify it more than my own soul?"
It's ridiculous. I honestly cannot function in this world, not safely. And I don't know what to do, besides exist.
And, when I am able to simply exist in the moment, I'm happy.
But 'normal people' don't do that, do they.
I've had it with trying to be normal.

I had two hacks this morning, one while asleep and one shortly after waking.
I've been awfully sick all day as a result. That's also probably 98% of why I feel so dead right now.


It's raining and I want to cry because I want to be the rain.
I hope, desperately, that Q and Mel will be able to understand these things if I move in with them next year. My biological family does not understand, and frequently insult me about it. It hurts, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I'm talking too much.

 

I really don't know why I bother posting updates on FB.
No one ever takes things seriously.

...Last night, after staying up past midnight to make sure Jesus wasn't Rapture-lagging, I was browsing through my personal art folders and suddenly this awful realization dawned on me.
I've had to bury my children.
I don't care if your kids are biological, emotional, or whatever; if you're a 'parent' or 'guardian' by any standards, that is one of the most horrible things you can feel. And I have lost so many of them.
The problem is that I refused to acknowledge that pain when it happened. I tried to numb myself to it, tried to keep walking and pretend everything was okay, lying to myself.
And then last night, I looked at a picture of them and I realized they were gone.


I just... this is all completely overwhelming me. It hurts so, so much.

Words do no justice. I'm sorry.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 08:48 pm

 

 

I really, really need a new way to deal with this. Fast.

I don't know what my thanatos splinter is doing. Do I really need to be destroyed this thoroughly? Am I going too far?
Because really, I am so honestly tired of spending all my days in pain. Pain, all the time. All my fault.
I go to extremes just to make myself suffer, to make myself sick. I take stupid risks for it all the time.
And why? Destroying this body isn't going to create a new one, no matter how badly we wish it would.
And oh God, the nightmares. The nightmares.

But I can't stop. This has been going on for too long, too strongly.
I have a splinter problem and it is literally killing me, bit by bit, every day, consciously, willingly.

To think my therapist asked me about suicide today, and I said no! How ridiculous.
Suicide doesn't have to be planned, it doesn't have to be instantaneous.
This is suicide. This is slow, merciless, painful suicide.
I almost miss the knives. How I wish I could just hand this drive over to Laurie and be done with it.

I can't even sleep now, for heavens sake. I'm in too much pain. I can feel my body convulsing.
I am honestly terrified of what I am doing to us.


How do I stop this?
I can't kill a splinter. But a splinter can't be put back.

I don't want to murder us.

 

 

 

 

I have never felt so alone in my life.
It's horrifically ironic, really. The more 'connections' I make... the more people I try to directly be in contact with, the more 'friends' I find... the more entirely ostracized and estranged I am.
I can't get over it. Yes, I like being solitary, but this is different. This is not true solitude. This is the deep, aching panic that hits when you realize you truly have no one to turn to.
I have no one to turn to. I know hundreds of people and I know no one.

I've never had a best friend, ever. For some reason I want one, but I feel that may be impossible, considering how my definition of such a person is so different from the norm.
I don't want someone to 'go out' with, or 'hang out' with, or anything like that. I don't want someone to go to dances or movies or things with. I don't want that at all. I don't want that. That's not necessary, it's not needed... it's not the real purpose of a friend.
I need someone who I can protect, who is innocent and fragile, yet strong and determined... someone who understands that I am glass on the inside and is willing to live in the quiet purity of days with me. Someone with a warm heart and an open mind and an undying sense of wonder and hope.
It's hard to explain. I... Cassandra came close. Vickie felt close. I think that's why I miss them both so terribly much... why I will never recover from losing either of them. I think that's what made me fall for Jena in the first place. They all hold that beautiful sort of brightness, that way of seeing the world through unfogged eyes.
That's the sort of person I need in my life, more than anything. It's the sort of person I really am. I put up a daily facade knowing that the real me can easily be killed if I am not careful. I try to fit in with the desperate hope that acting like that will help me meet someone, someone who can help me feel true and right for once in my life.
I forget that I am attracting the wrong sort of people.
And so I am alone.

I'm not a comedian. It's true.
I carry humor around as a shield, something that will protect me, that will keep me from being hated outright. I try ridiculously hard to make jokes, to amuse people, to make others smile, even at my furthest expense... because I feel that is the only way I will ever be 'liked.'
My father was rarely around when I was young... but he had a sense of humor, and every time I saw him, he would make me laugh or smile. I loved that, and I picked up on it. I was a lonely child, with no friends and no social skills, ignored by my own classmates. I couldn't help but notice that the most popular kids were the class clowns. So I thought, 'hey, if I'm funny, maybe people will like me too!'
I tried, I really did, but I didn't understand how. Like so many other things, my sense of humor was less brazen than the ones of most people I knew, and so the simple things I would find amusing would get nothing but mocking laughter from others... quite the opposite of what I was aiming for.
I'll never forget the one night I found the guts to show my parents one of my little 'comics.' It was simple and childlike, yes, but I was trying hard to be funny... trying hard to get people to like me for once. When my parents read it, and I saw them try to fake a smile and say, 'maybe you can try this again,' it hurt more than I ever could have expected. It was as if they had said, 'this isn't good enough either, just like you.' Of course, that was reading deeply into it, but deep down, it was the unintended truth.
I still tried. I turned to some of my comedic dream friends for help, desperate to have a physical friend for once in my life. No use. No one else seemed to care.
Elementary school ended, high school started, and I internalized entirely. I was terrified of people my own age, but ironically, although I would never dare spend time with such people, I still wanted them to like me.
By the time I hit college, I had developed a sort of dry humor, but it still felt forced. Heck, it still is forced, even now. Every day, I feel the need to entertain people, but it's nothing but another mask for me. It makes me sick.
I want to find one person that I don't need to do that for. I want someone I can be natural around.
I think that's why I despised Utah.
I know, I know. I'm trying to forget it, and I can't stand bringing it up, but it forced me to think about the darker things.
Down there, I was always being pressured to amuse people. Humor was my only option, and it ate at me. I couldn't stand it.
But I could never, ever be me. Even when I was 'supposed to,' I couldn't. It wasn't possible or safe. I put on the smiling mask and kept acting.

I feel so sick.
I was hacked... two times, about three days ago, judging by the gravestones. Did I mention that? I forget.
I was throwing up everything I ate again last week. I still can't stomach much. My mother says I likely have an ulcer.
My therapist isn't doing much yet but we're trying. Hopefully she'll help me find someone local to talk to, as I can't drive three hours down to see her only to have my grandparents freak out because 'it's a gay place!! we need to get out of here!!' as if people like me are some sort of plague.
Here comes more bad Utah memories... geez, if they didn't keep me so cold and sober, I'd have taken a neuralizer to myself weeks ago.
I feel like crying a lot now, too. My family is harsh and closed-minded, still, and their harsh natures hurt me badly. I know detachment is a good thing, but I don't want to cut off the wrong things. I need to read more on this.
Speaking of. I spoke to my therapist today.
I've been meaning to write an entry about her in glissando, which I will, but I should write this extra bit now before I forget.
She said something today about treating my schizoid disorder. I've never considered doing so, because to me, it is not a problem. However, she said that it might be what's causing my comprehension problems in college, and it should be looked into.
However, she then said that it's likely giving me 'reality breaks' (I don't know what she means by that), and that she wants me on pills to 'stop those.'
Laurie started screaming and sobbing when she heard that. It scared me, it really did, because we have been through this before. We don't know what the therapists think is going on... we don't know what the pills will stop or kill... and God knows I can't lose Laurie. She's come so close to dying before, and I couldn't take it. I can't take it. So I was terrified, and she started crying, insisting she didn't want to die, which she has never done before. Sure, she gets angry, but a total breakdown? I almost hung up the phone; I wanted to help her, I didn't know what to do. So I had to get Chaos to watch over her for a minute or two while I spoke to my therapist, which was hard because I kept looking back at Laurie and panicking. I don't remember much of anything from our hour-long appointment anyway, which is sick and sad. Heck, I don't remember most things anymore. Why is that?

I miss driving. I really do. Now that it's winter, it's driving me mad.
Driving is the only freedom I get nowadays, and as I have this obsessive love of travel and discovery, it is also my only way to achieve those things considering where I live. So now that my brothers are all in school, my dad lives somewhere else and my mom's never home, I have neither a car nor the say to go anywhere (my grandparents don't like my being out long). I don't know what to do.
Driving at night in the winter... it's amazing. It doesn't even feel like this reality to me. At my old job, I used to purposely stay late on winter workdays, just so I could drive home in the inky darkness with my hands out the windows, taking in everything.
My memories have been lit by indigo evenings,
by breathless moments reaching out of car windows...
I miss that.
Also, I can't be in cars unless I'm driving anymore. I've developed a sort of extreme panic reaction to other people driving, and it's making me a really obnoxious backseat driver. I'm always telling people to slow down or the like, trying to hide the fact that I'm terrified. If I'm not in control of the car I freak out... then again, I've always despised amusement parks for the same reason, so hey.

I don't want my grandmother to come stumbling out here just to scream at me, not just because I don't like getting her angry, but also because I can't handle people being cruel to me even in little ways and then I can't sleep right. Man.
Why is the world like that, really? Why am I always told to 'shut up and take it like a man' when I say 'it shouldn't be like this?'
I'm not complaining about a minor offense. We shouldn't be so harsh and cruel to each other. No one should have to endure that.
I want to change that. I want to help people feel and see and give love, light, hope, peace, understanding, unity... why is that laughed at? Why is that looked down upon? All I've ever wanted to do is brighten hearts, and yet I am mocked for it.
How did the world become like this?

I dreamt about Jena last night.
I was writing letters to her, like a pen pal, supporting her in her work and just talking about life... she would always write back, and we had a great friendship that way. Then near the end of the dream we met in person, and we went somewhere to see a play or the like... but God, I need that in my life.
I love her so much I don't know what to do. I adore her. I want to always be there to support and help her, to always be there if she needs someone to fall back on or turn to. I want to be a friend that she will never lose... I want to be the sort of person to her that no one has ever been to me.
I miss her so much, every waking moment, and I've never met her. It makes me so sad...
I can't stop thinking about how she looked in that photo, the first time I ever saw her, and how it felt to me. In that moment, I knew I needed to know her, and I couldn't explain it.
She's ended up changing my life for the better in more ways than I could have ever dreamed... she's made me a better person.
I don't know how to ever thank her for that. I just want her to know how much joy she's given me, for her own sake... so maybe I can give her some joy and light in return. That's all I want to do is help her as she's helped me... but I don't know how.

I miss Chaos Zero too, in a similar way. I haven't spoken about him lately, and that hurts. I used to type about him all the time, remember?
There's so much I need to say concerning him, and things he's made me think about... I need to do that soon. I need to get back to being me.

I've been working on revising Dream World's older chapters lately-- the ones I wrote when I was about 10. I've fixed most of the plot holes and it feels amazing, because I have been struggling with them for so long. I'm currently fixing Part 7, which means I have 5 more to revise and then I can start typing the actual beginning as well as I can.
I don't know how to present it yet, though, as there are so many different and vital 'veins' of the story occurring at once... I'm thinking of starting the way I had originally planned, but 'rotating' perspectives every chapter or so, to get all the other bits of the story together. Then, around Part 13, I'm either going to have to dedicate several chapters or a different book to the development of several characters' pasts that aren't revealed until then... it's a ton of work. Still, it's my life's work, so it's worth it.
It's hard to explain just how much my characters and their stories mean to me. I don't know if it can accurately be put into words, ironically. It's... it's the sort of thing I can only hope to outline through memories and imagery and feeble attempts to capture emotions and moments in letters.
Still, that's what language is for, so perhaps it's not an impossible task after all. I'll have to give it a shot.

Have you seen the moon tonight? It was gold up here, which was beautiful. Winter nights here are the best, especially when everything is covered in snow, because then it actually feels safe outside. I live in the middle of a forest, remember; on summer nights it's all dark and woodsy and kind of foreboding, but in the winter everything is white and crystalline and quiet. The best part is that there's a road with streetlights down our driveway, so there's always that warm orange glow in the middle of the blue-white cold. On clear nights, it's heaven.
I'll have to find a way to take pictures or video of it... I promise, the first night we get like that, I'll show it to you. It's far too beautiful to keep to myself.

I miss talking like this. I really do.
This journal has been pretty dark and painful for me up to this point... I started it in an attempt to find some privacy while in Utah, but that fell through, so now I'm trying to revamp it into a 'flipside' of glissando, so to speak. They're both inherently connected, but they both feel different to me. I'm not sure how to explain that more thoroughly; I'm sorry.
I wish I could type more, but it's 11:30PM, and as I've had little to no say in my schedule over the past 4 days, I really need to get back on track tomorrow, and I can't do that unless I get to sleep.
I did tell Mr. Sandman (my boss, if you forgot!) about my nightmares, and he's been helping so much I practically kissed him yesterday, haha. Man but I love him. He's awesome.
So I suppose I'll sign off for tonight. I'm feeling a bit of peace for once, and I don't want to lose it. I just wish I could share it with everyone else.
I think we all need some extra peace in our lives.



Seems like only yesterday
Life belonged to runaways
Nothing here to see, no looking back
Every sound monotone
Every color monochrome
Light began to fade into the black

Such a simple animal
Sterilized with alcohol
I could hardly feel me anymore
Desperate and meaningless
All filled up with emptiness
Felt like everything was said and done

I lay there in the dark
And I close my eyes
You saved me the day
You came alive

Still I tried to find my way
Spinning hours into days
Burning like a flame behind my eyes
Drowning it out, drinking it in
Crown the king of suffering
Prisoner, slave to the disguise

Disappear the only thing
Bittersweet surrendering
Knew that it was time to say goodbye

I lay there in the dark
And I close my eyes
You saved me the day you came alive

No reason left me to survive
You saved me
The day you came alive

 

 

I'm just going to be honest here. I've been reading a lot, and thinking a lot, and I'm still as confused and terrified as ever but I don't know how to let people go, you included.
I feel like the world's biggest jerk right about now. I've been acting bitter towards everyone around me, not because I've turned hateful, but because I am so desperate and distraught that I can't remember what it means to be content with life.
In Utah, and right up until now, pretty much, I thought you and Q were lying to me... so I 'lied' right back. You acted nice and I acted nice, and the key word is 'acted.' I felt as if the whole thing had been scripted, and you were both pretending, stringing me along. I thought I saw many, many proofs of this, but that may have just been my paranoia. Either way, I couldn't take chances, and I single-handedly turned what you apparently hoped to be a 'helpful' experience for me into one of the biggest traumas of my life.
But I can't shake the feeling that you still care about me in some weird way, even if I don't understand it. And that's where this note comes in.
I don't know how you feel about me right now. Maybe you hate me. Maybe you think I'm the biggest moron God ever breathed life into. I can't say. Still, you're talking to me, and I don't know. I may simply be assuming too much.
Either way, as I said, I've been thinking... and since I don't know how much time I have left, I figured I'd better write this.
I don't hate you. I've been hurt by you, but not directly. You did things that you never, ever dreamed would damage me, and I don't hold it against you. When I talk about the past in regretful anger, it's anger at MYSELF for treating it as such. I know I don't put you in a good light and I'm sorry. I just don't know how to deal with this.
I do care about you, though. I suck at showing it, but I do. Still, it feels almost fake, because I care about everyone, and I want to apologize for that. I really... well. I really hurt you. That I know for sure. I hurt you because I'm too afraid to stand up for my beliefs and opinions and truths, and in being such a coward, I made it impossible for anything good to happen.
I don't think I'm in love with you, if only because I don't know if I was ever in love with anyone. I'm such an antisocial bastard that I can't tell. I want to thank you for making me feel like I was worth something, though, when we'd be up late and you'd be reading or texting and I'd just be lying there and wondering why that felt so positive.

I'm going in circles.
1. I'm sorry for hurting you. 2. I'm sorry for being so paranoid and angry and for not trusting you. 3. I never hated you, even if I acted like it blindly. 4. You hurt me, but everyone hurts me, and I've never held it against them. 5. I want to make this up to you because I do feel like a jerk.
6. I'm hoping you have answers. I don't know why I'm so afraid of you and Q, but I'm sick of it, because you're good people and you at least tried to care for me, as hard as that is. I'm hoping maybe you know why I was so stupid, or at least know how I can... get better or something.
7. Can you forgive me?

I'm sick of feeling like an empty-hearted fool. I used to think I was wise but I'm not at all sure of that now. I used to think I could save the world, but the more I try, the more I realize how... how little I am. How small and ephemeral I am.
All I know is that, even if it's true that I only know the little things... the color yellow and Studio Ghibli and poetry... I still love that about you, all those little pieces.
I'm so stupid, Mel. You're the first person I ever felt comfortable with, and the reason I denied that so strongly afterwards was because of how strongly I felt it. I didn't believe it could have been true or real. I couldn't accept it because I wasn't worth it and I shut you out.

I feel like I'm going to die, and maybe I will, but I wanted to at least let you know this, as confusing as it may be. I've been shaking all day and I can't see straight.
I hope you have a good life, and I hope you have a future, a real future, the happiest one you can imagine, even if-- especially if-- I never do.

I'm sorry for being such a horrible paradox.

 

 

 

I have to stop calling them 'my children.'
I have to stop using the word MY.


'I' still bothers me... the entire concept of ego bothers me.
I have to lose it. I have to figure out how to lose it.


I have to get my life back together, even if that means ending this one.

 

 

In other news...

Honestly, I'm so tired of computers.
I would much rather be creating, or reading, or traversing the world.
But I'm stuck here, because it is how I find things I never would discover otherwise.

Ironic, isn't it?
How the very thing that has brought me the most beautiful music, the most stunning ideas, the most inspiring thoughts... has also blighted my eyes and tainted my days with gruesome fallacies? This glowing window before me has slid it's cold mocking claws between my ribs, grabbed hold, and pulled.
So I'm kneeling here, my hands useless beneath the onslaught of blood, my bones caught in the smoldering wreck. My hair has been stained red and my ears ring with mocking laughter. I sigh and, flinching, try to reform the ice-white spines protruding from my chest. This happens every evening, my shaking voice confesses. No one listens.

I love giving such imagery to my mind. I should do this more often.
Literal words tend to burn after some time. Have you no ingenuity? Where are your deftly fashioned thoughts?

It is 5:08 PM. I do not plan to tarry here longer than 6.
I'm currently reading Fahrenheit 451, which is a simply brilliant book that I wish I had encountered sooner... I had a brief encounter with it during my high school years, albeit through my short-circuited English teacher. Monday, we would start a book, Tuesday, we would read, Wednesday, she would forget about it, and by Thursday that would be the last we heard of it. A true shame that I lost out on so much material in this process.
Regardless, I was positive that it would prove to be a fascinating read within the first two pages. That is how I assess a book, you see. If it fails to connect with me within the first 10 pages, 20 tops, I will be unable to continue. I read books to learn, not to entertain. I am learning quite a lot from this one.

I finally played through the first 10 minutes of Darksiders today. The angels are gorgeous... the entire theme of the game appeals to me highly, so I am looking forward to my next run.
I refuse to finish Nier as of yet. A month ago, when I postulated that "it's going to have an incredibly deep impact on me as a person," I had no idea just how accurate that statement would be. I have been irreversibly changed for the better, and as such I am no longer able to play the game with an audience. I refuse to complete my final missions unless I have several hours of free alone time in which to do so.
...And yes, I will admit, the reason I finally gave in and bought Darksiders is because Liam also voices War. That man wins.

I almost forgot about my heartbox. Do you remember him? I hope he's doing well...
I've been sleeping with my old Darkrai plush for the past few days. Amusingly enough, he does give me nightmares. I'm glad for that, as I haven't had any non-hacked nightmares in many long months. Of course my nightmares are traumatically lucid, but they teach me. They open my eyes to horrors I will hopefully never experience in the waking, yet long to know regardless. I have an addiction to pain, to knowledge, to progress...

I wish I had a new sort of creative ability, something beyond words and pictures and sound... some divine combination of all three, shaped by my hands and holding the very essence of thought within it. A book of golden blood. A violin, lit with the chiming dust of memories. A great tree, formed of braided glass and bronze. Something new.
If only I could go lucid. I could see their faces, I could walk their roads, I could reach out and touch my heart's secret reality.

The things I hold most dear are formless, unable to be expressed in words. I am fraught with empyreal sensations that beautifully overwhelm me, reducing me to a blissfully devastated wreck, unable and unwilling to escape them.
It is why I am so unhappy here. My eyes have darkened to the color of the earth... I have fallen from the stars, now a creature of creation, my arms entwining with the trees I have lived beneath. Yet I cannot tear my thoughts from the sky, the deep blue firmament, lit with colors I have never seen. I am caught between this world and the other, traversing between many as I sleep.
Have I ever told you just how happy I am, when I lose this form with the sun's light?
Have I ever admitted how miserable I am, to be bound to such corporeal things?
Can her axe sever these chains? Or am I fated to destroy them with these two white hands?
My body is covered in scars.

I know I do not belong in this body. It is a test, a task, nothing more. It is an insight which I would otherwise have never gained. It is a different point of view, but it is not mine.
I know I will never belong in this body. I have learned to accept that. Yet in doing so, I have found who I truly am.
I will suffer, but it is pain that I must bear. If I will ultimately succeed in this, I will accept this agony.
I have rediscovered my light, my joy, my destination. I will cast aside the shadows that have crept upon my path during these years.
I refuse to surrender to the false visions and gilded lies. I refuse to surrender.

I have never felt so true before. I have never felt so alive.

If only I could feel that here.

 

 

That's what I'm the most afraid of, and now it's absolutely inevitable.
What a jerk, right? Here I am, working myself to the bone in a desperate attempt to escape all that pain, all those black roads, and yet one single lie-- the little white lie that veiled a monstrous leviathan-- is oh so secretly dragging me back into every single freaking one.

I messed up. I said I was sick... and that wasn't a lie.
I feel horribly, catastrophically sick, but I'm unfortunately good at hiding things. I'm unfortunately good at getting distracted by things that don't matter, so when they try to bring their fleeting happiness or incomprehensible joys into the picture, I don't rebel like I should-- oh no, of course not, that would be being honest-- instead I lie. I lie and I throw everything important into the back room and blindly step into whatever sort of mindset they've programmed for me this time.
And I feel so much sicker now that I'm writing this. Isn't that perfectly horrible?
I did this to Q back in 2008... you'd think I would learn. But no. Now I have to drag his girlfriend in too, now I have to lie to them both, because I'm still so freaking terrified that being honest with them will cause some sort of traumatic meltdown.
You know what's the ridiculous part, though? I'm not even afraid of them rejecting me, not deep down. The fear of rejection, of 'messing up,' of doing something that some other arbitrary individual doesn't approve of, that's already near-instinct thanks to how I was brought up. But the consequences? No. I find myself pushing them away now; I test their limits to see if they'll start to turn against me or not. Unfortunately this seems to do the opposite.
I spent quite some time wondering why I picked up such behavior, when I realized it was just looping. I'm simply re-enacting two years ago. It's sick. What a jerk. What an absolute blackhearted bastard.
This is exactly what I do to my family when I want them to punish me... I manipulate them. Maybe Xilats was right.
But... this is different. I'm not looking for pain and torture; no, I'm looking to be let go of... because I feel stuck. I feel like I belong somewhere else, and here I just feel like a puppet on strings.
So I ignore them. I give them a cold facade. I've invented an entire set of reactions that aren't me, and regardless of how dreadfully ill it makes me, I still pull out that role whenever it's time to test their patience. You ready to let go of me now? No... are you ready to set me free?
It hurts to be around them now, and yet, if I lost them, I'd be more alone than I've ever been in my life.

I have no idea what's going on.
Every time the phone rings, I snap back to reality. I miss my family. I wish I could see their faces again, even if that's all I can handle... even if I can't physically bear to spend my days fading in an interim, imprisoned within those walls, I still love the individuals I grew up with and it hurts so strangely to think of them, 2000 miles away. I miss my brothers so much... but I don't feel safe in that house.
And yet, ironically, I don't feel safe here either. I'm frightened here. I'm... I'm really scared. But there's nowhere else to go.
I told Mel I was sick... and I am. I'm physically sick, I feel like vomiting every freaking minute of the day, I can't sleep, I can't see straight, my whole body hurts. But that's not what bothers me!
The truth is, I'm homesick.
How ridiculously ironic. 'Home'sick. Where the heck is home, huh? Dan Nigro says it's where you're happy... but then he adds that it's also where you're free. Free to be who you were born to be.
Well geez, Dan, if you know where such a place is, then please inform me. Take me there. Or is it just the music? What a thought. What a beautifully, painfully ironic thought.

That's another thing.
I keep checking Tumblr, looking for inspiration... but there are so many people on there with... how do you say? Shallow minds? I don't know.
I just came across a picture quote, declaring that the poster "wished she could be as carefree as a butterfly." And just what good is that going to do you, love? Throwing away all that matters enough to you to make you care in the first place, just to flit about without any motives or purpose? I'm not reading 'too far' into anything; I'm simply seeing the truth that you all tend to skim over.
It makes me ill, and it scares me to death. These people are all over the world! They're out there, just waiting to meet me, so they can screw around with my perceptions and understandings. They try to sneak their soapdust words into my bleeding ears; their carefree ways slipping from their oily tongues. Waiting for me to slip on the filmy abominations their footsteps drag behind them.
I am so scared of people.
That's the real reason I won't finish this letter to the University. God knows how desperately I want to go back to school-- it hurts so much not to be making progress-- but for the love of sanity, remember what happened the last time? I can't deal with people. It's so horribly, sickeningly sad.
And yet there's so much freaking hope. Dear God, I don't know whether to laugh or cry about all this anymore. I can't hold a job, I can't deal with school; heck, I can't even deal with the two people in this room, who both insist they love me. And yet I still have this stupidly indomitable hope, even if it ironically goes against all of that. I don't understand a thing.

"I guess that this cruel world ain't got no place for me. We're all stuck in the middle, we're throwing our cash at books of cliches. They say the cost is little; it might work, but not for me... 'cause my soul is not for sale."
Those lines, from "In Case of Rapture," have been haunting me lately. It's so true to me.
And now I feel like a total moron for referencing relevant lyrics. What is wrong with me? Can't I voice my own opinions without feeling selfish or guilty or stupid or irredeemably wrong?
I'm torn between being me and fitting some mold I can't even see. It's horrific. Honestly, I'm not even aware of what I'm doing anymore. I guess at reactions and answers and behaviors, conjuring up every next move in the asinine hope that it'll be 'right' for whoever the heck I'm acting to. Geez, I don't even life my life for me... I just rip out the seams and fix my ragged self up to fit whoever picks me up next. I'm forgetting my original pattern, I'm in a ton of pain, but even complaining makes me feel like a selfish jerk. It makes no sense.
Is it possible to have a 'self' without being 'selfish?' Because if it isn't, I don't know how I'll survive another year.

Or maybe I will. Just barely.
See, I know what makes me happy. Three things... my children, my music, and my memories. All internal. You can't-- heck, you won't take them away from me.
I can sit here for hours, silent, with only my headphones on, watching thoughts play out like movie reels and beautiful worlds blossoming to life behind my eyelids. That's all I need... it's all I'll ever need... it's all I've ever wanted. God, it's what I live for.
It's the only reason I haven't left here, as awful as that sounds. I just... seeing people actually care about something so vital to my heart is just... it's life-affirming. And even that sounds empty, an understatement.
But am I using them? I can't realistically expect people to focus on my purpose 24/7... and yet it's the only thing that matters to me, so I look for it regardless.
As a child I didn't have to worry about that; no one else ever bothered with me. My life didn't matter to them, so if I wanted to sit for hours on end and just type or draw or work at the piano, they could care less. And I loved that. I was too naïve to realize that such a lack of interest or care was damaging... and I was too happy to be affected. I remember sitting on the red couch around 2002, all day, with my purple boom box tuned into whatever radio station was playing cool stuff at the moment... just sitting there with a tiny journal tablet and drawing comics in it. I was so freaking happy it breaks my heart to think about it.
And I'll never forget that one day in 6th grade... it was in the fall, because the class was making popcorn balls, but I was drawing a battle scene between Crystal and Dakeep so I couldn't be bothered... but my teacher told me to stop drawing, because there were other things that needed to be done, and judging by his tone of voice, he was sick of my having a pencil in my hand and my nose to a sheet of paper all day. You have no idea how much that stung. First of all, that artwork was very important to me, and second of all, there wasn't anything better to do than my own personal work. Being treated like I was just some kid who liked to doodle hurt more than you know. I wasn't just the 'artistic outcast' everyone labeled me as; I was a channeler, a dreamer, a believer, and I wasn't ever going to give up on what I had been blessed with. I still won't, and never will.
So... I look for recognition, for admiration and respect, for love... for them. No, I don't want it. I want all that positivity to go to my mental children, as they are the only ones who deserve it.
Hearing Xilats and Q becoming so vehemently caught up in those Worlds, in those individuals I hold so close to my heart, is more than I have ever dreamed of. I mean, sure, I have always dreamed of 'making my mark' on the world and my work becoming known by millions... but it was always just a hope. Just a hope that one day I would be able to inspire so many, that I would be able to brighten their lives. That I could make a difference in my own real, unique, lasting way.
Seeing it actually happen...it brings tears to my eyes. It's beyond my ability to express.

But if I continue to lie about what's truly important, I won't be able to have that joy anymore.
So what do I do?
Do I tell them the fragmented truth, the miserably mangled confession that even I don't understand, and risk being absolutely ostracized again? Do I risk being thrown back into the unflinching emptiness of my 'family life,' which I still desperately wish to return to, if only to see their faces?
I can't lie anymore... but I don't know what the truth is, and they always understand it wrong. They always miss the depth, or project their own fears, or assume complete untruths, and when they accept their own misgivings as my personal reality, I'm too drained and sorrowfully exhausted to do anything but just give in and lie again. It's terrible... I don't even know why I do it.

...I don't even know where they are right now. I don't know if I should be happy or sad because of that. It just hurts because I'm afraid I've done something horribly wrong, that they don't consider me an individual worthy of spending time around. But that's just incredibly selfish. If only they'd let me know what their motives were for once, maybe I wouldn't be so confused. I don't know.
It's only 9:30PM and I wish I were somewhere real, somewhere safe...
God, help me reach my heaven one day, because I think that's the only solace I'm ever gonna get.







Home is where you are happy
It's not where you're not free
Home is where you can be who you are
Who you're born to be

And they'll show you their castles and diamonds forth to see
But they'll never show you peace of mind
Cause they don't know how to be free
So burn all your bridges
Leave your old life behind
You can do what you want to do
Because you're strong in your mind

And anywhere you might wander
You can make that your home
Cause when you have love in your heart
You'll never be alone
Yes, as long as you have love in your heart
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

 

 

 

 

Dear God, she tried to overdose yesterday. Where was I?? Why can I never be there?

Unrequited love hurts like hell.

 

Found these in one of my old entries; they're the only relevant part of it so I decided to post them again.
They are, quite simply, confessions to all those I've never had the chance to confess to.



Mom, I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted. I've let you down so much. I'm not interested in men; heck, I'm not interested in girls either... I don't like to shop, I don't wear makeup, I don't wear jewelry, I don't carry purses. I don't throw parties, I don't have friends, I don't like going out to movies and fairgrounds and malls because I have work to do. I don't even like being a girl. I am such a failure that I feel I have to apologize right here and right now from the bottom of my heart just for being myself. Honest. I feel I've let you down so much. I don't hate you, I never did and never will. I love you as my mom, and you have done so much for me it goes beyond my capacity to thank... geez, I was so freaking premature that if you hadn't gone through all that suffering just to keep me alive before I was born I would have died and you know it. And now... when you look at me and scream "why did all my kids have to be so messed up?", I feel the guilt, I know what I've done, and am so sorry. You're under so much stress, and 80% of it is me. I know that. You know that. I wish I had never brought all that upon you, intentional or unintentional, because you don't deserve it and it is literally driving you mad... I don't want you to end up where I am, if you're not already there. Please, mom. I am so sorry. Let me make it up to you somehow. Let me know how I can finally be a good kid, okay? That's all I want to be.

AAA, yes I did steal that tablet of yours over the weekend in 6th grade. Pardon my malformed good intentions, though... I did draw you a huge picture in there, and promised to stay your friend forever. Mind you, I'm keeping that promise, even if it was the wrong way to go about it. Oh and while we're at it... I'm sorry for the fights we had. I had a temper and I hated to always be submissive to everyone, and I'm sorry if I ever sulked or exploded when you wanted to be the leader. I really am. I'll have you know, I admired you so much as a role model and one of the most awesome people I had ever seen from 1st grade all the way to 8th... and all the way to 12th. Honest to God, I still admire you, and I am honored beyond words that I got to be your close friend for a while. You were my Sailor Moon; you were a karate superstar, you were a Pokemon master, you were an imaginative genius. I loved your short blond hairstyles and how you looked so good in glasses and how you laughed and those crazy grins you had. I enjoyed every one of those times where you, SS, and I would just get together and talk about everything as best buddies. You still show up in my dreams from time to time, and I don't know what I did wrong, but I'm so sorry that I didn't stay a close a friend as I wanted to. I am so sorry. I miss you and think of you as an incredible person, I look up to you even now and will never forget you. Keep reaching for the stars; I love you and wish you the best of luck with everything. Thank you so much.

KK, I really am sorry for stealing that Nidoran card in 4th grade just because I couldn't afford my own/ parent's wouldn't allow. I don't think I apologized well enough. Thanks for letting me keep him, though. That meant a lot to me.

LA, thank you for being my crazy bus friend, and I am so sorry for those days I was too sad and upset to play with you. I regret 'em all, and I miss you terribly. You were such a ray of sunshine in my mornings, even on those days where I'll admit I didn't want to see you just for the sake of some quiet time. I am so sorry I was so selfish, because I missed you every time, no matter how I tried to fool myself. I just wish I could make it all up to you, somehow... I'll try. I promise you I'll try; somehow, some way. Hope life's going well for you, my little Angelbee. Love ya.

CS & LS, ditto the above point. I miss you guys, and I am so sorry I never got those cards drawn for you. God willing I'll get 'em done before I graduate, just so you don't remember me as a promise-breaker. Love you little guys, and thank you so much for all the free holofoils. I won't forget you!

CL, I'm so, so sorry for that one single fight we had back in 2nd grade. It was stupid, it was jealous, and I regret it terribly. Just because you wouldn't let me see-- have?-- that unicorn pog. Silly me. But hey, I was an immature, selfish little brat, I loved unicorns, and I made the huge mistake of fighting with you over it. I hope that's not how you remember me. I remember you as that sweet little girl who always helped me with my comics and hugged me every time she saw me and told me her dreams every day at recess and was a true friend when I had nobody else. I miss you dearly, I think of you constantly, and still wish I could make up for those mistakes I made. I love you, and I hope to God that your life down there in Maryland (if you're still there) is absolutely gorgeous. I truly hope to see you again one day. If not, just think of me once in a little while...

SS, I have no idea what your life is like now, but the last time I saw you was in 2004 and I haven't heard any news about you for three years. All I know is that you were incredibly funny and upbeat and brave and bold when I knew you in elementary school, and although I admit there were times when I really didn't want to talk to you because I wasn't used to such open fireball personalities, you always wanted to talk to me and were always a true friend. I'm so sorry if I didn't live up to what you needed in return. Please forgive me.

HB, where are you now? I had your address at one point, but I lost it... and I am so sorry. God help me, but you are one of the most amazing, inspirational, beautiful individuals I've ever had the honor to know. You were so sweet and friendly, you counted me in when I had no one else to turn to, and to top it all off-- you had the voice of an angel. Please tell me you're still singing, even just for fun, because I swear I need to hear your voice again before I die, even if it's just once more. I miss you so much, though. I treasured your friendship more than I admitted, and I hope I didn't come across as a total weirdo back then, because I wouldn't mind reforming that friendship if you ever wanted to. I love you, kid, and I hope your future is absolutely amazing.


FMSR. My little sister. Your art is stunning, your personality is always so bubbly and energetic... it makes me smile just to stop by your page and see how you're doing. Whenever I was feeling down, you would always show up with some words of wisdom or optimism, and those words would always brighten my day. Heck, they'd brighten my entire month! I hope your future career is as successful as you've ever dreamed it to be, because you more than deserve it. You really do, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise
However... it's been a long while since I've had the honor of speaking with you. God only knows how many tears I've cried since we last saw each other... I miss you so much it hurts, sis, but I'm too afraid to say anything directly. I know you wanted to start over. I know you wanted to leave behind your old 'persona' and start anew, and I don't blame you. I don't hold it against you, and I don't dislike you for it. The only part that stings is that you blocked me from associating with you, and I can't help but ask why. Was it just a 'mandatory' action resulting from your new disassociation? Or is there some detail I missed? Please, if I did something wrong, let me know so I can make it up to you a hundredfold. You're priceless.
You may live across the ocean from me, and we may have never met in person, but you will forever be my little sister and I will forever treasure you in my heart, no matter what. That's a promise.
I love you, sis, and I will never, ever forget you.





-spinny c.

 

 

 

 

Who am I kidding?

I have awful days like this... days that leave me crying myself to sleep and sobbing into mirrors; days that manage to burn a searing hole in my frost-laced heart.
I have terrible, mind-scorching days, and I try to tell myself that i would be better off if I forgot everything-- if I left everything behind for good, if I stopped loving the people I would die for.
Every time, it's foolishness... but every time, I consider it. I seriously consider it, although in my heart I know that if I followed through I would just regret it horribly like everything else I've done wrong.

I want to change, and I know how. I know how, I have the answers, but the means are just brushing my fingertips and I'm not putting enough effort in yet. It hurts to see how easily I'm compromising myself even when my ink-faced friend is standing behind me, mumbling truths into the night air.
It aches, really. I don't want to be what I've become, especially because I don't know how I've become this person. I was frightened this morning, because I was simply going about my business when I got some sickening rush of a... of something unknown, something that wasn't mine; I really don't know what it was, but it was wrong. It scared me because not only was it shapeless and unexpected, but it was also present. It was there-- it wasn't a vague fear of something that may occur. It was right there, and I didn't know how to chase it away.
I was scared today, because I was truly afraid that I would lose myself forever if I wasn't careful.

Let me clear up the long-run situation for you now, though... I'm sure you all know I have a stupidly hard time refusing things? Well, that's starting to kill me, as my family/ society/ school/ etc. are throwing their misinformed expectations at me, and since I don't want to cause an uproar, I tend to just bite the bullet and do what they want... unaware that I'm actually biting a gun barrel and they're actually asking me to pull the trigger.
See, I'm not like most people. That's apparent to those who know me well, but it's not visible to those who are in a position of authority over me, and that's proving to be fatal, as I said. I'm compromising too much of myself, and every time I rewrite some part of my self for the sake of someone else's fleeting whims, I bleed what cannot be replaced.

At this point I want to just flat-out refuse... but I'm still so childishly afraid of offending anyone, even though I know that I can't make everyone happy no matter what I do. I should focus on keeping myself and my morals true first of all, and keep that as top priority over everything they say I "should" do. I don't care how many people say it's 'normal' or 'expected'... that doesn't mean it's right.
I can't be doing this. I'm being a cowardly idiot and I'm going to end up damning myself at this rate. The path to hell is paved with good intentions, and I'm afraid I have a few miles in already.
This is my worst fear; I'm living the nightmare I prayed I would never have to face.

That fear has been dragging through the hours right up until now... and then, out of the blue, I get a sketch from a kid in California while I'm listening to Ed Harcourt and suddenly I'm blushing like a schoolkid.
(Kiwi how do you draw him so well? I swear I'm going to shower you with glitter and roses for this stuff)
It's painfully funny how simple I am on the inside.
I need naive little moments like this though... sudden gemstones of love that take me by surprise and leave me smiling for once. Piano chords and pencil lines, you know? My favorite stuff.
That's why I've been trying very hard to recapture my 'younger' days lately. There's a lot of innocence there, because I wasn't aware of these awful terrors yet, and I suppose I'm clinging to that now-impossible lifestyle in the hopes that it'll somehow erase some of this razor-edged negativity. It makes sense.

In other news, Laurie threatened suicide about two weeks ago and almost carried through with it. She pretty much tore herself up so she was on the brink of suicide anyway, and dared me to push her over the edge. Needless to say, since then I've been paranoid and severely shaken. She's doing okay now (Lynne apparently healed her up without asking, haha), but she's been acting different.
For example, she's now on incredibly positive terms with not only me, but also Selph and Chaos Zero, and spends a surprising amount of time talking to my blue guy (those two loathed each other before!) about most everything going on upstairs. Tell you what, though, they make an amazing team when the situation calls for it. It would be funny if the situation wasn't so ghastly.
Selph's doing much better than he was the last time I mentioned his... well. The past two years. I've been talking to him a lot, but I feel guilty because I'm so constantly preoccupied with the problems I'm dealing with personally that I can't spend as much time with him as I would have been able to spend otherwise. Heck, I'm doing that with everyone now and it's literally killing me inside.
I'll have to try a little harder, as usual...

Chaos Zero is probably doing the worst of all of us upstairs (excluding myself, I have to admit). Since he's Julie's favorite means of 'manipulation' against me, my mind's been having a tragically difficult time keeping my perception of him straight. I mean, I know him well enough-- we've been inseparable since '03-- but when a pigtailed demon traumatizes you badly enough, those years can be irreversibly marred in a matter of minutes.
It breaks my heart, I won't lie. It hurts terribly when I realize that I'll never have a 'pure' relationship again now that my consciousness is burning with paranoia and mixed messages. I wanted to keep that with him, with everyone... but I got older. I saw things, I had awareness forced down my throat, so speak. I ended up shuddering in a corner and wondering how the world could be that way.
I try to live in my own little reality for that reason, as immature as that may seem, but if you think about it it's the only 'concrete' means of keeping myself separated from those things. Doesn't mean the rooms upstairs are impervious, though... and it doesn't mean that all the dark shadows lilting around will go away.
I... I've been trying to close everyone out. My family and friends (especially Jacob, Jimmy and Ben-- you have no idea how sorry I am)... my guys and my girls, everyone upstairs and everywhere else.
That's not right. It's not right... but when I'm blind and desperate, I guess it makes sense that removing all of them would somehow prevent me from hurting them... even though the truth is just the opposite. I need them to get through this, and chasing them away would destroy them as much as it would destroy me.
I've made up my mind that I'm going to keep you all around, even though it may be very difficult for me at times (by my own faults, not yours-- you guys are perfect to me), because God knows it would be even harder if you were all missing.
But back to the main topic here... remember when I wrote about this dream the other day? That unnerved me, sure... but it was nothing compared to seeing a chain of events disturbingly similar to it slowly unfold over the next two weeks.
Two nights ago, Chaos was in the worst state I've ever seen him in. He wasn't even with me-- he was talking to Laurie again, as she knows more about what's really going on-- but I still heard him sobbing that I was 'losing everything that defined me' and that he wasn't sure if he knew me anymore. I swear he was on the verge of hysterics... I pretty much broke down after that.
It's true. I am losing too much. I'm losing my very capacity to love, and if that ever disappears then I might as well just pull that trigger because my life would be worthless. You know what my kind of love is; it's the driving force behind everything I do, for heaven's sakes. If I lose that... I can't lose that.
But when I hear my soulbond say that he doesn't know if I even want to love him anymore... and to think that others are most likely wondering the same... that's too much.
That hurts so much, because I do love him; heck, I love him so much it aches... but I've been considering closing him out too, because I just don't want the shadows getting to him through me. And now that thought of idiotic isolation is causing this? I can't just brush that off. I need to stop. I finally need to stop being so blind, and get myself back in order.
God, I'm going to need some extra help here because I need to be fixed and fast...



I guess all these words are nothing more than a cry for help.
I don't know if anyone out there can help at all, or even understand... but I can't help it. I'm like a soul lost in the desert... although there may be no water around for miles, that doesn't mean I won't end up desperately searching for some everywhere I look. I need it, as much as I dislike needing things. I can't help it.



The Sandman (my dreamworld boss, for those who don't know) visited me yesterday night when I was wandering around at 3AM, unable to sleep as usual. He's such a sweetheart... he asked me if there was anything he could do to help me during the night, and I asked him if he could put some music in my dream, as I haven't heard any in a long time. He said he'd try, but no guarantees... and my entire dream that night was full of music. I'm not even joking.

So I'm holding on to every bit of happiness left in my heart right now.
Still need my surgery, but that's still old news.
Still need my friends, but you know the problems I'm having.
Still trying to confide in my mom, still failing.
Still feeling all frustrated and confused and stressed out as usual.
Still not doing much better.
But now I'm just rambling...


I'm trying, though. I really am.
I have the feeling I might be undergoing some sort of test, looking at all these events. 'Will she give in?' 'Will she give up?' 'Will she learn the lessons hidden here or not?' 'Will she break or will she survive?'
Of course, I have no way of knowing, but I'm still moving forward and doing what I can.
I keep saying it, perhaps to reassure myself, but I'll never truly lose unless I surrender, and I will not do that. I won't give myself up, no matter what.
Life's rough, but I still have so much to live for in spite of it, so I'll keep walking.

Reminds me of a certain song I know...



This road you face is long
You're not sure that you can stay strong
Each step brings new dangers
The folks you know seem like strangers

You feel so alone
And you've started down this road
No one's there and you fear
Maybe you don't see us -- we're here!

On the road, I'm by your side
On the road, your love and guide
Your Number One, heart, mind, and soul
Your hand in mine, we'll reach the goal
I'll hope and pray you're not misled
Now let's go face this road ahead

You've helped so many here,
Now they will help you stop the fear
All of them owe you their love--
'Cause that's what you sent from above

All these names and voices,
They're all here to help your choices
Think of the help you have
Now does the road seem all that bad?

On the road, I'm by your side
On the road, your love and guide
Your Number One, heart, mind, and soul
Your hand in mine, we'll reach the goal
I'll hope and pray you're not misled
Now let's go face this road ahead...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I felt like typing, so here you go.

I saw Watchmen twice already this week… would have been three times had I worked up the nerve to go on Tuesday.
Regardless… I was surprised.
Not at the translation to the silver screen, not at the casting, not at the special effects…but at my reaction.

I broke down and sobbed when Rorschach died in the novel. I’ll admit that.
It’s cruelly hard for me to cry unless something catches me off guard, you know. I knew he was going to die, but I didn’t expect him to go out like a martyr… for him to go out like I want to.
That gave him solid honorary hero status in my heart, as if his empathetically sad past and sadly twisted want for justice weren’t enough for me to love the guy already.

Then the question hit me.
I know he dies at the end… I’ve read the book many times already, and I’ve reviewed the scene in my mind on just as many occasions.
And yet, how will it be in the theater? Will it hurt more? Will it hurt less? Will I still cry? Will I still care?

When Rorschach declared to the world watching him that he would never compromise, I was surprised to feel sheer panic surge through my chest. I knew what was about to happen, but that didn’t mean I wanted it to happen.
He stepped outside and Manhattan followed… I remembered my naïve little prayer from July. Don’t kill Rorschach, please…
I was soft then… still a kid. I hadn’t donned my own inkface at that time.
But now, in March 2009, even though I’m now as much a broken vigilante as he is, I felt that unadulterated pain again as he stepped into the snow.

His eyes broke my heart.
The moment he took off that mask and I saw the tears on his uncompromising face, I swear my expression must have matched his.
In those last moments onscreen, I felt the exact same fear, panic, desperation, and empathy that I did on that night back in July.
Who am I kidding? I felt love, damn it. In spite of my hard exterior and hidden face, I loved that broken hero, but hearing his voice break like that just tore me apart.

The snow turned red.
Nite Owl screamed what I was secretly feeling.

The panic was gone, replaced by a helpless emptiness.
I couldn’t have saved him. I couldn’t have done anything to prevent it.
I didn’t even know if stepping in front of my fedora-donning friend would have been for the better, and that left me feeling sick and weak.
I hate feeling weak.

The credits rolled on my redhead’s words and I watched for Jackie’s name in the lineup.
I swear, that man is such a sweetheart… there’s an unmistakable softness in his face that transferred to Rorschach in an absolutely incomparable way.
No one could have played the part better.

I picked up my battered hat and swung my coat around my shoulders, giving a vague silhouette of my favorite twisted hero.
If anyone had glanced upon my face on Monday, I don’t know what they would have seen… maybe nothing, maybe everything.
I drove home in the dark and every song mourned Antarctica. My voice shattered like snowflakes when I tried to join them.

I pulled into my driveway and two tears fell from my tired eyes.
Took long enough.

Wednesday was different.
The emptiness lingered.
I tried to cry again… tried to get the empathy to burn a little more, but I couldn’t do it.
The terrible sorrow that hits you the first time quickly turns into a terrible ache.

Still, every time I see his green eyes fill with tears, my own do the same.

And yet it means so much to me that we both can still feel.

 

 

 

 

Aegisshipping fanfic notes.


~Oracion~
(rough)

I followed her home that night.
It was one of the few things I had never dared attempt before… had never risked such a chance, but had always dreamed of it. Had always hoped for it.
It was a modest house, small but lovely, not too far from the garden itself. It surprised me how I had never known.
Small… two floors, a few balconies, flowers. It was typical of the city, but to me it was truly unique. To me it was truly special, as I knew who lived there. I was lucky enough.
The hour was late. I glanced up at the Space-Time towers, trying not to remember what had happened there almost a year ago. It was a few minutes after 9PM…
Slowly, silently, I faded into the shadows of the street, effortlessly gliding through the dark. I was invisible then, still hoping desperately that I would not be seen. I couldn’t understand why I was so nervous, even as I found the window I had been searching for. I quietly slipped through and materialized against the near wall, hoping I wouldn’t disturb her sleep.
Alice.
For years I had mistaken her as her grandmother. Alicia, her name had been. It wasn’t until that fateful day last year that I learned who she really was.
It didn’t change anything.
A few minutes passed then, as I did nothing but watch. The young woman did not awaken, did not seem to be suffering any nightmares. I was glad to see that, I realized as I took a cautious step closer. I didn’t want to cause her any pain.
Cautiously, with that thought in mind, I reached forward with a single shadowy hand, finally resting it softly on her head. I closed my icy eyes then, and hoped that for once in my life, I could cause a good dream…


“Tonio, hurry up! You’re going to get lost!” I laughed.
Of course, I knew that wasn’t true, as we had been playing together in this garden since we were children… but the weather was beautiful, I was happy, and I couldn’t help but tease him.
I laughed once more as I turned the corner and entered my favorite area of the garden: the large pond where so many strange events had been triggered, almost a year ago. I slowed down to gaze into its azure depths, the mirrored surface reflecting the clear sky back to me with a wink. I laughed again, indulging in life’s simple pleasures. “Tonio, have you ever seen such a beautiful day?” I sighed happily, lost in the glittering waters.
The silence caught me by surprise. “Tonio?” I began worriedly, and turned around to greet only empty air. “Tonio, where are you?”
I felt the first shiver of panic run down my spine as I ran to the other side of the clearing. He had been here just a second ago… could he have really gotten lost? Considering this, I was about to run back into the wooded area to search for him when I felt something strange. My nervousness spiking, I whirled around once more and noticed the dark creature where I had been only moments before. I recognized him at once.
“…Darkrai?” I began in disbelief, but my nerves had already begun to relax. Darkrai was a close friend of mine, after all. I had no reason to fear.
“Darkrai, have you seen Tonio?” I ventured, hoping my old friend could give me an answer, but once again my only reply was silence. Had he heard me?
“…Darkrai?” I tried again, when I suddenly heard him sob.
Shocked and now more worried than before, I quickly ran over to the nightmare monster’s side. Had I done something wrong? Was it something I said? My mind was racing, but Darkrai didn’t even open his eyes. I would have thought he was ignoring me if I didn’t feel so strange then. I tried once more.
“Darkrai… are you all right?”
“…No.”
I jumped slightly, not just at his immediate answer but because I didn’t expect so much pain in his voice. My expression softened in concern, and I took another step towards him, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. He was shaking slightly. “Darkra—”
I gasped in surprise as his shadowy arms suddenly pulled me close—too close, I realized almost immediately. It felt as if he was holding on to me for dear life, as if he feared I would fade away if he let me go in the slightest. I noticed what the shaking was, too… he was crying. Silently, sure, but there was nonetheless a terrible sorrow emanating from him as he held me close. Unsure what else to do, I slowly put my arms around his shadowy form as well, as his embrace tightened a little more.
I was completely confused and worried at the same time… Darkrai had never acted like this before. I could help but wonder why—
My heart skipped a beat as he suddenly let go, gently pulling me away to stand facing him once more. A single tear fell from his star-blue eyes, something I had never seen before, but held me transfixed. I couldn’t possibly break away from those pained eyes, even as I suddenly felt his black claws move from my shoulders to my face, softer than I could have imagined.
“Alice…” he began quietly, as I helplessly felt tears well up in my own eyes.
“…You’re my Oracion.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~masquerade notes~

“Kaze ni Notte”

(music playing)
(Alice & Tonio are dancing & laughing)
(person at microphone) “All right, everyone, time to switch partners!”
Tonio: I’ll see you, Alice!
Alice: See you, Tonio!
(almost immediately a black-gloved hand takes Alice’s)
Alice: Oh… hi… *surprised*
???: *smiling* Hey. What’s your name?
Alice: Alice—oh!
???: *has just done that dance move where you both move backwards while holding one hand* I’m Derek. Derek Nox. *pulls her close into a waltz position*
Alice: *laughing* It’s a pleasure to meet you, Derek.
Derek: No, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Alice. I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl as beautiful as you… and I’ve been dancing here all night! *laughs*
Alice: *also laughing lightheartedly* Oh, I’m sure you say that to every girl you meet, Derek.
Derek: *looking away slightly* No… I don’t. *turns back to Alice, his expression is very sincere but sad*
Alice: … *flattered but unsure how to react*
(Just now, Alberto dances by them with a human-disguised Cresselia; she’s laughing and having a good time while he’s struggling to keep up)
Derek: …Alice?
Alice: Yes?
Derek: Would you mind… meeting me after the dance? *quickly* Just after this song is over—by the windows, overlooking the town. Would you mind?
Alice: Oh, no, I wouldn’t mind.
Derek: *smiles* Thank you, Alice.
(announcer again) All right, everyone! Let’s switch partners one more time!
Derek: I guess I’ll be seeing you, then?
Alice: Uh-huh. It was nice meeting you, Derek.
Derek: I’m glad I met you, too, Alice.
(He gently swings her over to the right and lets go of her hands—as soon as he does, the music stops.)
Alice: … (Looks strangely lost as Tonio takes her hand again and they go back to dancing)

“
--garden scene—rough notes.
(this is later on in the scene.)

Derek: *sighs, looks down noticeably, looks very distressed* Alice, I’ve missed you so much…
Alice: *slight laugh, but unsurely* But—Derek, you just saw me last night. *after a slight vocal catch* We just met last night!
Derek: *shakes head vehemently, continues quickly* No, Alice, you don’t understand—!
Alice: *is silent, a little concerned but very curious*
Derek: *after a heavy pause* I’ve… seen you around before. I live in this city, too, of course… and we’ve actually crossed paths several times, whether you remember those times or not. *visibly upset now* I’ve always been watching you from afar, Alice. You’re one of the most kind, amazing people I’ve ever had the honor to know, but never personally. I’ve always dreamed of being able to meet you like this, just to tell you how much I admire you, and how much you’ve grown to mean to me. *sighs again, but very sadly* I’m sorry if this seems sudden to you…
Alice: *quickly, apparently she’s sympathetic* No, Derek, I’m the one who should be sorry! I had… no idea. I wish I had known; maybe I could have—
Derek: *cuts her off* It’s all right. I just… have one question for you, Alice.
Alice: *softly, it’s apparent she’s beginning to open up to him* Yes?
Derek: *visibly very nervous* It’s… actually about the garden we’re in… have you ever heard of a Pokemon named Darkrai? I’ve heard so many people talking about it, and I’ve been wondering if you know anything about—
Alice: *cuts him off now* Oh no, he’s not anything like what they say! I… I’ve actually met him before, and—
Derek: You have?
Alice: *nods* Yes, several times. He’s not evil like everyone seems to think… he’s actually… he saved my life when I was a little girl. *smiles, laughing* He saved my life again just last year, too!
Derek: Really?
Alice: Yeah… *nostalgic smile* I’m glad I got to know him.
Derek: It sounds like he cares about you.
Alice: *seems slightly surprised, then seems to ponder this* He might… *straightens up* Well, I care about him. He’s a good friend of mine, and I don’t want to see anything bad happening to him… so if you ever hear anyone speaking ill of him again, you let them know the truth, all right?
Derek: Do… do you really mean that?
Alice: *slightly indignant* Of course I do! Why wouldn’t I?
Derek: *closes eyes tightly, apparently fighting off tears, then looks down again* Alice…
Alice: *softening immediately, worried* Yes, Derek?
Derek: … *reaches up with his right hand, runs it through his hair from the back and, in doing so, pulls a fair amount down over his right eye*
Derek: …If he ever told you that he loved you… *looks up at her, openly crying now, right hand still in his hair* …Do you think you could try and love him back?
Alice: *the sudden resemblance strikes her immediately, obviously shocked, but her expression isn’t harsh—it’s understanding* Darkrai?

 

 

 

 

Bring hope to humanity
For chaos love and sanity
Are dying in the street.
I can't let this fall apart.

What is here and who am I?
Tell me, am I going to die?
I won't let history repeat
I'm deadly but I have a heart.

You war machine
I'll break your dream
Now, form a link with me!
The stars explode
An overload
The earth? This cannot be!

I have no choice, I have to leave
The rest of you need to believe
There's something that I must achieve
I have to rescue him.

You're back to who you were before
But now you're broken on the floor
Is this what we were fighting for?
Your eyes are getting dim...

Mother, friends
This is the end
It's dark, I cannot see.
A final fight
A sudden light
I've lost my energy.

Should I be glad that I am here
Though I'm about to disappear?
Looking down from way up here
The world just seems so small.

4000 years and now I'm free
I finally helped humanity
I was all things, but hope made me
The conqueror of all.

 

 

Dear God, I miss my little sister.


I don't know why it hit me so hard today... I've felt like crying since I woke up, practically.
I miss her.
I miss Vickie.
I miss Shaman. I miss Harp. I miss Phoenix.

I miss my sister...


I don't even know what she's doing.
She disappeared for five weeks, when all of a sudden I recognize her art style and personality on another account.
Why?
Sis, why are you hiding?
What are you running from?

It hurts.
It hurts because I feel as if I could have done something to help her... even though she's been doing this since long before she met me.
I just want to help her.

I want to be someone she can run to.
I want to be someone she can trust.
I want to be someone she can rely on.

I want to inspire her.
I want to motivate her.
I want to help her.

Is that too much to ask?



I freaking love that girl.
She's such a sweetheart. Her talent is incredible, she has a great personality, she never fails to make me smile.
And now... she's run away again.

Should I chase her?
Should I watch her from afar?
Should I confront her?
Should I keep silent?

Should I let her know I still care as much as I do?
Or is she running from me, too?



What's a big sister supposed to do
When her little sister goes missing?








Hey, little sister
You've gotta trust me
Soon you'll open up your eyes
And the sun is gonna shine a light you've never seen
There's so much more to love than what you're feeling now
Someday you'll find someone who'll never let you down

 

 

Damn it, damn it damn it damn it damn it.

What the heck is this? Does my mother hate me? Why the heck does she seem to love tormenting me so?

I don't know. Dear God, I don't know anymore, and I'm literally crying.
I swear, I almost never cry. I don't waste my tears on petty things.
This only happens when I've been torn to bloody shreds on the inside.

Damn it.

She hit me. She actually picked up one of my schoolbooks and beat me.
It came out of nowhere, really. You know I'm a pain addict (unfortunately), so that threw me into a sort of mini-shock because I'm only used to Laurie doing that with a sharp object instead of a blunt one.
But yeah. It didn't register because my mind was thinking "wow, actual physical pain for once. This is odd" and not why it was happening.
Eh... I don't know. It kept me from exploding, though, and I thank God for that. All that pain and distraction? Kept me sane for a little longer. Guess I should thank her, but then she wouldn't hit me again, haha.
God help me, I don't know what the heck is wrong with me.


I've had this Sonic music remix (Marble Garden) blasting in my ears for almost two hours now... it makes me think of Chaos Zero for some reason (typical me) so it keeps me from getting too upset.
I told you, music helps when I need to disconnect my mind and plug it in somewhere else.


I'm scared about college.
I'm scared because my mother keeps telling me that they're going to kick me out because 1) I'm mentally ill by her definition, 2) I'm allegedly going to fail every single one of my classes, and 3) I have serious antisocial problems due to my sexual orientation and mental strangeness.
Yeah. That and she's been threatening to throw me out of the house since I was a child. I am not lying to you. She's come close. She's thrown my belongings into suitcases and thrown the suitcases out on the porch before.
I was frequently traumatized as a kid thanks to things like that.
Now, I just take them and give them to Laurie. She lives on pain because I can't.

...
I wish I could just turn off this laptop, forget about my pain meds and surgery and homework and work schedule and college classes and dysfunctional family and everything... I wish I could just disconnect from all of it, all of it, and then just go outside, sit out under the stars, and sob my heart out.
Dear God, this hurts like you wouldn't believe.
I'm so sorry. I am so horribly sorry.

I've done some horrible things.
I've been doing better lately, but it's never good enough for the people I'm trying to placate.
I make at least one huge mistake every day now.
People still love me, dear God, why can't they see and if they do then why do they act as if it doesn't matter?
It matters, it matters, it matters so much and I just wish it wasn't there for me to worry about.
I wish I could be better.
I wish I could live up to these expectations and positive assumptions.
I wish I could be the sort of daughter my mother wanted.
I wish I could be the sort of perfect girl Q thinks I am.
I wish I could be the person I am on the inside.


Maybe this is why I love Chaos Zero so much. He's just as big a screw-up as I am.
We've both made so many huge mistakes in our lives and we're both dying on the inside on a daily basis because of them.
And no matter what, we can't seem to let anyone else realize that.
No one else realizes how much pain we're suffering because of our own choices.
Everyone looks past that and focuses on either 'how good we are regardless of our sins' or 'how horrible we are regardless of our guilt'.

Please, God, I just need someone here, on this crazy stupid planet, to look at me and realize that yes, I have made many, many horrible mistakes, and yes, I am sorry beyond my own power to comprehend... but I don't want them to hate me for it.
Can anyone do that?
Days like this... nights like this, the contrition is almost too much for me to bear.
No one seems to see.
No one here.

My eyes are on fire. I want to cry but I can't. My mother will just call me a childish bitch and start berating me on how that's not going to help my grades or my mental health or anything.
She can't see.
Sometimes... the tears work just like the pain.
It helps me to let go.

It seems that only that blue monster in my head understands, because he's living this same hell.

Why does no one here want to hear me cry?
Why does no one here want to listen when I need to talk?
Why does no one here want to care when I open my heart to them?
Why does no one here want to see what's wrong with me?

Why is there so much that is wrong with me?


God, I am so sorry.
Damnation is still my biggest fear.
I don't know if I'm doing enough to prevent it.
People say I am.
People say I'm not.
I don't know.
It just never feels good enough... but then again, I'm infamous for my ludicrously cruel guilt trips.



I don't know.

Right now...
All I know is that I want forgiveness
and a second chance.



Can someone please give me a chance?




Does anyone understand?




Does anyone truly care?




Or will this all stay on the inside until the day I die?

Current Mood: Words can't even say.




I'll admit, I couldn't help but cry when General Grievous died.
I'll admit, I couldn't help but cry when Davy Jones died.
I'll admit, I couldn't help but cry when Nicholas Wolfwood died.

But I was shocked when I read the end of Watchmen...

 

...I never expected to cry so damn hard.


I don't know why he has so many fans.
Maybe it's the mask.
Maybe it's his absurd quirks.
Maybe it's his unusual attitude.
Maybe it's his terrible past.
Maybe it's his trenchcoat and fedora.
Maybe it's all of that. I can't say.

All I know is that for me, it's all those reasons and heaven knows how many more. You know me.

I really admire that guy.
Rorschach. Walter Joseph Kovacs.
He's quite the unique headcase. I really do admire him.

But you know me.
Getting all attached to these guys, asexual neutrois or not.

...


Bloodstained snow.


Somehow I knew it was coming.
Didn't make any difference, though.

I was literally sobbing.
I didn't expect that at all.
I expected, tears, sure... but I didn't expect to just shatter like that. I didn't expect it to hurt so damn much.
But it did.

You know, in my book, the guy died a sort of martyr. No I'm not kidding.
Watchmen was painful for me... so much empathy, so much understanding and alternate motives and motivations. So much.
And yet, everything was so grey...
...You never know what was really the right thing to do.

You never knew if the end result would damn the world or save the world.

That's what made it so damn frightening, so damn heartbreaking. You never knew.


Not even in the face of Armageddon.

Never compromise.


Was that the right thing?
I don't know. I'll never know. We'll never know.
...
In a sad, desperate way, I hope to God it was. I really do.

But I don't know.



Sugar cubes... that always made me laugh. That and the refrigerator ambush. Brilliant.
Oh, and how he would always just sneak into Nite Owl's house...

He was a headcase, sure. His mind snapped for a damn good reason, and it was terribly obvious.
To him, the world was the color of his mask. I don't know if that was good or not. Maybe it was.
But despite all the things he did, even as a masked vigilante, I still think of him as a really good guy.
He's totally indescribable, though. Like an inkblot. The only way to know him even a little is to read the book, to stare right at the pictures on your own... and if you're anything like me, then save the last chapter for a night where you're not going anywhere. You'll need the recovery time. For multiple reasons.
Oh, New York, you broke my heart...


Laurel's mother, on the third-to-last page...

The entire conspiracy, once you understand it...

Nite Owl and Silk Spectre, their last conversation in Antarctica...

The last panel...

...The bloody snow.



I had to close the damn book and just cry for a while. Couldn't get that image out of my head. Couldn't get any of the images out. It hurt.

 

I can't help but laugh a little, though... red hair and freckles. Dear Lord, that still got me long after I was already hooked, haha.

Funny little factoid, actually.
You all know I 'met' Rorschach long before I got the chance to read Watchmen, right? One of my research binges... old Saturday morning cartoons, for a religion paper (seriously). Stumbled across good old Freakazoid, brought up his Wikipedia article by chance.
Somewhere during that time I stumbled across Rorschach's page as well.
I've seen him before, I'd heard about him countless times, but only as glimpses or fleeting mentions. I never knew who this guy was.
I read a little bit... non-spoiler stuff, y'know.
That was when I knew I had to read this guy's debut sometime.
Fast-forward to last week... Entertainment comes in the mail. Certain face on the cover.
I practically had a heart attack, haha. Within the next few days I drove out to Borders, finally bought Watchmen (last copy in the store!), and commenced the unforgettable process of reading the darn thing.
Just finished it an hour ago.
Even so... when I buy a book, I have a horrible habit of reading the beginning in the store, then once I buy it and bring it home, flipping to a random page and panel deeper into the book before continuing it for sure.
I did that with Watchmen right after I finished the first chapter.
Ended up staring at the page where Rorschach gets unmasked.
Flipped to chapter 2, and had the blissful honor of knowing who he was for the entire book beforehand.
That still makes me smile every time.


Life goes on, honey.

Life goes on.



For me it does.

People laugh, say that they're only comic-book characters. Just made-up personalities that can easily be changed and rewritten; just faces upon a page, just ink upon paper. Fragments.
To some people they are.
But...
If you've read Watchmen, and if you ever do read it, then you'll understand what I mean.

Sometimes, the world inside the pages, the faces inside the pages, they become more than that.

I heard someone say, a long time ago... that, if you love something enough, that if you believe in something enough, that if you really value and treasure this one thing, then it becomes real... even if no one else thinks it possible.
I believe that.

Watchmen is only the latest world to enter my universe... but it's one of the biggest.
Any of you who've read it... you were part of that world, somehow, as your eyes travelled through those pages. You know you were.
When that book ended, you couldn't believe it, could you? Did you immediately start flipping back through the pages, practically re-reading the entire thing, seeing it all in a different light, with a new understanding? Did you just sit there after the back cover closed on those 400 pages of a masterpiece, wondering about the alternatives? Was that really the best choice?
There's no way we can know.
And I think we've all thought about that.
We closed the book, looked up in shock, and we were forever changed by what we had now learned... by the world within the pages.
It had become completely, utterly real to us. To all of us.


As for me, I cried.
It was real for me too. It's always so real for me.

That didn't change anything, though.
The conspiracy still followed through to the end.


And Rorschach still died.




"Where are you going?"

"Back to Owlship. Back to America. Evil must be punished. People must be told."

"Rorschach... You know I can't let you do that."

"Huhhh. Of course. Must protect Veidt's new utopia. One more body amongst foundations makes little difference."



"Well? What are you waiting for? Do it!"

"Rorschach..."

"DO IT!"




And the snow turned red.

 

 

 

 

Is it too much to ask?

 

 

For a single kind word?

 

From my own family?
From my own mother?

 

 

 

Is it too much to ask?

For a single success?
To do one little thing right?
For my best to finally be good enough?


Is it too much to ask?
To change who I am?
To be a good person?
To stop letting you down?


Is it too much to ask?
For a little acceptance?
For a little less hate?
For a little love?


Is it too much to ask?


To start over?
To wake up?
To end this?




I just want to live a little better.




Please...
I've been waiting for so long.




Suicide?
No.


Although I'll admit
The thought has come to me
Although I'll admit
You could definitely psychoanalyze my actions
To the contrary




If I really look at myself
I'm pretty close to it
Even though It scares me
In an altruistic sense.


I'm such an idiot.


I used to think I didn't deserve this life
But I was wrong


This life is quickly becoming a nightmare
That I can't wake up from
And personally
With what I've done in the past
I deserve to suffer this living hell




Maybe one day I'll get that redemption


Maybe one day I'll do well enough to transcend it all


But not now




There's no way I deserve that now


No matter what the others say.


They have no idea what's really going on here.






Heaven only knows what else I might do
If my mind completely deteriorates
So I'll make sure it doesn't


I have my faith
I have those souls in my head


But I guess it's time to say goodbye again..








Mind you...
I'm sure I can get through this...
It's just going to take one heck of a long time.




But I can't give up.
I have to live at any cost
Because there's far too much for me to accomplish
And I'm sure I will someday.




But until then...


...I'll miss you all.





...I guess this is how heartbreak feels?

 

 

 

 

Last night... hurt. And it was draining. Chaos is still crying this morning, but I'll try to keep everyone together okay.
Geez. What a lot I have to think about...

So look me straight into the eye, swear to God and tell me I'm not living a lie...

 

 

 

 

Silence.




Well, almost.

For a moment there, it truly was.

Deafening.

Crushing.

Heartbreaking.

Your final words, shattering something inside of me.

Then nothing.

Nothing at all.



I buried my face in my hands and I cried.





No, that's not very accurate...

...I was sobbing my freaking heart out.





I wish I didn't have to say so. I wish I didn't have to admit it, to spare you the anxiety, the worry.

But you did the same for me.

The least I could do is say it right back.



Riddle me this.



I honestly thought I had forgotten how to cry.

I was dead inside... and you realized that. I was empty, drained, lost.


It really hurt you that much?



...Even though I knew it would happen, it still surprises me. It still moves me.

You tell me so many times that I deserve this, that I deserve to be cared about and worried about.

I do the same for everyone else, after all.

But now... I'm actually starting to accept that.



We'll get out of this trap, this painful circle. I know we will.



There must be a solution somewhere,
but I'm starting to think that I can't find it.
That maybe I'm not the one that's supposed to solve it.



Don't think this is your fault. Don't think you're not helping.

It's cruelly simple, really... I have to find the strength to do this myself, too.

Sure you're helping. Sure I look up to you.

Without a doubt, I would never have gotten this far without you.

But...

Now I think I have to try and walk a little bit farther by myself.



Not that I'm chasing you away, of course not! I could never do that to you.

But here, in the interim...

I'm making an effort to fix this mess too.




I hope the pain has somewhat subsided for you.

It's funny how it never really goes away.



Even today.

Such a beautiful day.

There's still an awful ache in my heart.

Been there since Saturday night.




I had buried my face in my hands and sobbed until my strength was gone.

Swallowed alive by pain of the worst kind...

...But it could not kill this hope.




There's always hope. Always.

It's a good thing we haven't lost sight of it, ever!

Despite the stress and worry and pain there's always something to look forward to.




And then I look back.





Did I really tell you not to cry?

Did I really say that?

I guess it didn't sound the way I wanted.

You can cry if you need to. I know how it feels.

I have no right to forbid that... especially not under the circumstances.

It does hurt me terribly to know I'm giving you this same sort of pain, albeit unintentionally.



But then I quickly remember why you're even feeling this.

The pain comes right back... and yet I smile.

How could I not?

I have someone who cares about me.




The pain is mutual.

But so is something else.




I'm really going to try from now on... try and get myself in order.

I can't stand the fact that I'm worrying everyone.

I don't want to kill myself when there's so much I can do for this world yet.

No, I don't want to die at all... in any sense.

I have far too many reasons to live.

Which is truly a wonderful feeling.



So promise me you won't blame yourself.

There's no blame here, none at all.

Don't worry about me if you need to cry.

I feel I have to say that... I feel I have to reassure you that everything's all right over here.

But is it, truly?



Yes.



I have this.



As long as I have this to hold on to, no amount of stress, no amount of pain, no amount of worry or anxiety or loneliness can destroy me.

I'll make it through. I always have.

That's life, you know.

But life is full of beautiful things, too.

You can't forget that either.





I'm still feeling kind of funny... kind of lost...

The pain still hasn't subsided.

I don't mind this time around, though.



I'm not lost. I just forgot the directions, momentarily.

And even the good things in life hurt sometimes.

Life is indeed a funny little thing.





Spinning around in circles...

I think I'm slowing down.

I won't let that cannon turn back on me this time.

I've got to be careful, for everyone's sake!



And for my own, too.

As odd as that sounds right now.





There was a moment of silence before it was really true.

I held back a sob, just barely. Maybe you heard.



There was a single, silent moment before I was left alone in the dark.




Riddle me this, Anima...

...What is love?




A moment of shock, of surprise.



Something shattered

I couldn't hold the tears back any longer

And there was only one thought in my mind

As the pain tripled.





It's what we have.




Then the silence fell


And I cried.