062211

[prismaticbleed]

I want to die.

But that sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it?

I'll never forget the one time I confessed my abusive/ suicidal tendencies openly, a few years ago. The first response I got was that I was obviously living an 'easy life,' because if I really knew what suffering and hardship were, I wouldn't be wishing such asinine things on myself.
I wasn't sure how that worked, but I can't get that out of my head.

I'm not suicidal, though. Honestly.
I just want to... stop existing on this level. I guess. Something like that?
I was having an emotional meltdown around noon simply because I could not handle sensory stimulation anymore. The simple awareness of having a body made me want to set the damned thing on fire. I get this a lot.
Now I'm staring at the rain, trying not to think, wanting to sleep for years. Or, I would, if sleep was different than it is.

Days like this, when my family is home and everyone is focused on trivial worldly things, make me want to die in that otherworldly sense.
I keep remembering those words I read. "Nothing in this world can ever mean more than what you already have."
I know that. But then it makes me wonder, "then how do I function? how do I live when the world wants me to glorify it more than my own soul?"
It's ridiculous. I honestly cannot function in this world, not safely. And I don't know what to do, besides exist.
And, when I am able to simply exist in the moment, I'm happy.
But 'normal people' don't do that, do they.
I've had it with trying to be normal.

I had two hacks this morning, one while asleep and one shortly after waking.
I've been awfully sick all day as a result. That's also probably 98% of why I feel so dead right now.


It's raining and I want to cry because I want to be the rain.
I hope, desperately, that Q and Mel will be able to understand these things if I move in with them next year. My biological family does not understand, and frequently insult me about it. It hurts, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I'm talking too much.