good day bad day would you look at the time?

[prismaticbleed]

Current Location: someplace very sad and quiet
Current Mood: ...
Current Music: Dreams Dreams: Broken Soul Remix (Jewel L.)

 

GEEZ! What a day I've had, kids.
Lonely and confused lass icon because that is how I feel. Indeed.

Quick rundown.
Got up around 7:30 so I could get to church for 8:30 Unfortunately, my mum and brothers wanted to go too, and we only have one car. So I had to wait for them... and we ended up 10 minutes late. WHAT. That is not nice.

Second point. Got Neldoreth up to level 40, finally! I haven't played my DS since October 13th. I kid you not.
I love Neldy, though. He's so crazy awesome. *hug*

Third point. Was inspired by my darling muse (who I love immensely) to remix "Dreams Dreams" in a minor key... oh yes, no one has attempted that yet!... and completely re-write the lyrics to fit the two of us. You heard me.
I spent half of my entire freaking day writing it all, and the finished product is about 5:30 and freaking GORGEOUS.
I will link it for you dudes once it's posted on the semi-official NiD website. Yes I will.

Fourth point. The other half of my day was eaten by Sigmund Freud and William Golding.
See, I got them both tickets to Cinemark and some fancy restaurants, but there's nothing good playing and Freud doesn't like eating out, so they crashed at my house all day and wouldn't stop bugging me. Eh. I'll have to finish this report tonight (read: this morning) so they leave me be. Leave my brain alone. I am a slave to no id!
...
*makes sure Rev. Meat isn't anywhere around*

Fifth point! Um... Johnny. Johnny C. Because I can.
You know, I really need to draw him... oh! Point six! Point six!

Point six is the fact that I'm still in the middle of coloring Swatch and Psyche, the scanner won't work so I can't post Selph's birthday art on dA yet, I need to finish drawing Eclipse, Corona, Millie, Mandy, Cinnamon, and Adrenaline for references and soon, and I need to draw a full and correct reference of myself for anyone that needs it, mainly Jester, Qlok, and Jimmy. Oh yes and LAD. Geez why do people want to draw me? It's uncanny.

Seventh point is that I turn eighteen on Wednesday (TWO FREAKING DAYS WHAT) and I am nervous out of my fishing mind. Honest.
You know what my mum is like; I'm afraid she's actually going to try throwing me out of the house. I already had to get another job to pay for college, and might end up with a third soon, but... eh.... I'm also worried because I have to hire a copyright lawyer for all my series, especially the one that's celebrating it's 10th anniversary on Wednesday too (happy anniversary guys) and that I am 6 years behind on typing notes. Darn it all.

Eighth point is that I am stressed out of my mind with not just work and all that but also my size. I'm not fat or anything, but huge amounts of stress plus lack of sleep plus the insane diet this family insists on following equals not very good health and a larger waistline than I like. It's... girly. Euughh. Plus I'm always working so I have to literally force my exercise into my schedule, and darn straight I make sure I do. I went out on the porch at 11:30 PM last night to use the elliptical for 45 minutes. To heck with the time, it's almost 4AM now.

Ninth point... hey, that's a lot of points. Regardless, point number nine (not the Beatles song) is related to the above point and is the fact that I desperately need to try and 1) get in shape, 2) get some more self-confidence, and 3) all in all fix myself because I've really screwed myself up.
Oh yeah and I also have severe SAD, or so mum says, so I'd better fix that too. Seriously, we went to a bridal shower on Saturday and I was deathly sick from the time I got out of the car to the time I got back in the darn thing. I just feel like a total reject... a nuisance, an unwanted intruder. I don't fit in, and I'm not just saying that to be 'cool' or 'unique' or anything. I'm a freaking screwup failure anomaly and life's not very easy because of it. Plus I'm a polyamorous asexual celibate xenophile so girls get all "wtf" around me because I'm so damn odd and am literally scared to death of anything and everything sexual and also am creeped the heck out by guys and babies. CREEPED. Oh yeah and girls too. They scare me, badly.
Stereotype-matchers creep me out the most, though. I try not to ever judge, EVER, for any reason, but if I do happen to notice a girl who's living up to the terrible talk... you know, all flippy and spazzy and silly and boy-crazy, I will avoid such a person like the plague. Such people scare me! Ditto that fact with girl-crazy, overly buff, sporty and all that guys. I don't even know. Regardless I'm just not comfortable around young adults... heck, I'm not comfortable around anything with a reproductive system. Eh. Oh, funny story with that, actually. Give me a sec, I'm just going to say the main reason why the bridal shower got me sick. Reason number one-- it's a wedding. Geez! Now I'm all for people who love each other being together and all that, but... the whole 'side effects' of getting married, you know, with living together and having kids... NO THANK YOU. I'm literally getting shivers just thinking about it. But yeah, about the kids. Now, I'm pretty much okay with kids from age 7 on up, because any earlier than that and they have no personality, really... no self, no conscience, no mind. They're not mature, which gets me nervous. My mind never freaking stops, so if I have to deal with something that does not think about such things, I get really uneasy. You know what I mean about the kids, right? Oh but infants are even worse. They... squirm. Eeeech. And they babble and everything. It... it just gets me all freaked out. Maybe I'm just mental. Geez. By the way I'm sorry Johnny because I know you think babies are cute, and maybe they are, but then again I'm also the sort of person who thought cobras were cute when I was in kindergarten. I swear. Nothing wrong with babies, no, but they're not for me. No sir.
All right and now for that funny story. ...Well, maybe it's not funny, but I just find it amusing. You see, my Theology class just switched the class focus to marriage WTF that is NOT NICE. So he's asking all these questions about typical teenage relationships and sex and all that junk and I'm just sitting there watching the clock and thinking "good heavens if he calls on me I'm either going to explode or go into an all-out asexual rant and probably get thrown into an asylum. just you watch" but I kept falling asleep thank God so it didn't happen and I didn't hear. Joy! But yes, apparently he was going to give us a QUIZ on the dreaded three-letter word of death but I took the day off sick (all-nighter, remember?) and by golly I think I'm going to take today off too. To heck with school it's a day E and I don't have Physics or Psychology anyway. Plus I need to get Freud to bug off so I'll go back when he goes back. Besides it's already 4:11 and I want to finish my rant so I can finish my term paper. So yes! Asexual ranting. I really am going to do it. Here and in Philosophy class. I got really really lovely close in Philosophy, but she didn't push the subject which got me upset. Dangit I wish to rant about my freakish mind please.
So by the way. About relationships. Being asexual and all, I am thank-God-scott-free from physical longing like that and also physical attraction and the need to go on dates and wear perfume and makeup and pink and talk on cell phones, which is stupid anyway. Yeah. Don't do any of it, darn straight. However since I am a polyamorous xenophile I 1) love the world, 2) have many many many inhuman friends who are awesome, 3) have 5 loves and 4) two of them aren't human! Yes yes yes, Chaos Zero and Selph. Dear heavens I love them so much. Honestly. To the point where I would die for them. It's a beautiful feeling to have. Oh yeah and even better is the fact that both of them are completely sexless, which is awesome times twentysix. So I can do stuff with them that I can't do with anybody else! Yeah! That and I talk to Selph about absolutely freaking everything, even moreso than Chaos because Selph virtually lives with me and also I had to teach him, literally, everything I knew about life on earth when he first came here back in 2005. So we have a very very very close connection. Hence the song I spent all day writing. You'll see when I post the lyrics and/or sing them. Honest.
But enough of that, on to point number 10!

Point 10 and the final point happens to be Monday, which happens to be today, which happens to be my Skype day, which happens to mean I get to talk to Qlok. It's kind of odd, being friends with him, because he's an actual physical human guy of this reality and normally I would not be comfortable with that, but hey. He's a nice kid.
See this is why I'm so fantastically happy that I can rant here and not on LJ. Gosh I am being such a spaz right now. Hm. I blame Golding. And the sugar. And the fatigue. And the nervous holy fishness that comes with Mondays and school mornings and chest pains and head congestion and shaky hands and music on my mind and my muse rubbing his eyes because he's tired and lots of work to do and typing at 4:22 AM. YES!
But yeah back to Qlok. I'm very worried about his opinion of me. I know he worries about me, but I'm such a freaking headcase and emotional wreck and anomalous human type person that I am seriously thinking that, whatever I am and whatever I'm not, at least in his opinion, I'm not good for him or anyone. Honest. I think I'm a very bad thing for him to have in his life... even though I try my freaking hardest to be a good person I'm just not there yet and the world gives me funny looks and I don't work with society's gameplan because God decided to build me differently and I just feel broken. And gosh I'm losing my vocabulary hang on what vocabulary I keep saying oh yeah but indeed fantastic freaking awesome fish what over and over. Geez. That too. But regardless, Qlok really does deserve someone else as a friend... at least someone who's a lot more stable, a lot nicer looking, a lot kinder, a lot less weird and scared and freakish and mental. Someone with a nice smile and a kind family, maybe with a pet dog or something, who comes from a small town and gets along with all the neighbors and likes the color blue and knows how to sing. Oh yeah and has a baby brother and gets good grades and is on the soccer team and can drive around town without having fits of mental narcolepsy or whatever in heaven's name this junk is. Someone with light brown hair and green eyes and maybe a couple freckles (gosh that does sound cute) who's not a prom queen or anything but is still terribly pretty and doesn't have braces and will never need 'em and is tall and sweet and upbeat and optimistic and a true friend for life who always takes the time to talk to you when you're down and dear God in heaven I'm crying. I'm literally crying.

What the fish. What the unholy freaking fish. Honestly.
Why the hell do I care about this?
Stop being so selfish. Stop. This has nothing to do with you.

Even so, I'm none of those things... except for the tall part and the bit about not being a prom queen... but that doesn't matter. He's too good a person to deserve as bad a person as me. Everyone is.
I just... well, I deserve to be alone, like I've always been, and I want to be. I like it this way, to be honest. Saves people, too.

I'm very unstable, would never place first in a beauty contest, am too freaking anxious to help when I want to sometimes (and then beat myself up for it), am terribly weird and cripplingly scared and ridiculously mental. My smiles are sad and my family is explosive, my dog died and I had no neighbors up until 2005 or so and I love the color red even though I'm quiet around people because I'm scared of them and I can't hit high notes because I'm nowhere near a soprano. My brother is 16 and had to go to a mental hospital for possible suicidal tendencies and my grades are dropping because my mind won't stay focused on non-worry and I can't play soccer because of my bad joints and bad back and frequently lose awareness when I'm behind the wheel even though I don't drink and never will. My hair is dark brown and my eyes are dark brown and don't look up as much as they used to and I don't have a single freckle (and I'm not cute in any sense of the word) and I was never popular or well-known and I'm not very pretty, remember and I had braces in my freshman year and I'm still a shrimp compared to most people I see and I always feel like a hypocrite when I'm all smiles and I'm only upbeat when I'm in a panicked headrun kind of like right now and I used to be an optimist geez I miss those days and I keep losing the only friends I ever had even though it's not entirely my fault, at least I hope not and I can't even think of the words to say even though I'm dying and everyones's always so upset because of me and what I've become and I'm so sorry...