061611

[prismaticbleed]

I haven't felt so devastatingly depressed since my time in the hospital.
I just want to collapse and cry until this feeling of violation goes away, somehow. It's very disconcerting.
I cannot wait to see my therapist tomorrow.

Yesterday... I did some research. I did some frightening research but I found something even more frightening.
Julie has more motivation than we thought.
And only now do I realize the entire, horrific extent of what she has been doing to me.
I am legitimately terrified.

I've been getting far too many hacks lately, mostly when I'm unconscious or mostly so.
It's been cruelly hard for me to fall asleep lately, due to how sick I feel, which is more dangerous than I previously realized.
A few nights ago... it was about 3AM, I was hacked as I was trying to fall asleep. I couldn't even form a coherent sentence, couldn't even stand up. And I was hacked. It was horrible.
But I remember, dimly, before I blacked out I saw Laurie outright sobbing. She... she never does that.
She didn't know I could see her. I haven't told her that I know yet.
It broke my heart. It hurt so much to see that.
I just don't know how to stop this.
And I need to, as soon as possible.
I don't want to die, not yet. Not like this.

I'm also feeling terribly ill, mostly because of my new diet restrictions (there's very little in this house that I can eat now). I'm worried about that too.

I am under way too much stress right now.
Also, my therapist says I show the symptoms of a traumatized person! No surprise there.
I just hope I'm not dead at age 30 from all this. It never, ever stops.

Geez, this needs to stop. I need to figure something out.
I'll keep trying though. I'll keep working hard. We won't give up, no matter how dark this gets.