I just had a phone call with mom and I am so badly shaken up & dissociated.
1) She KEEPS BRINGING UP the fact that I spent the $50 she gave me for my birthday on CHURCH TITHES, instead of going to a movie with Excalibur like she told me to. "If I knew you were just going to give it to the church, I wouldn't have given you anything, and kept ti to use on home repairs!" And THEN I admitted that I gave away ALL the cookware/ kitchenware she gave ME to my SISTER, when she lost her job & had no food & I just gave her everything I had to spare-- of kitchen & bathroom supplies AND of food, PLUS all the stuff I got from food drives. Mom HATES that I do this "BECAUSE IT'S HER STUFF" I'M GIVING AWAY. I wonder if she'd be so upset if I did the same from my own resources, as paltry as they are, OR if she'd immediately jump to the conclusion that "I ONLY did that SO I COULD force her TO "give stuff to me" to "cover the loss""?? Like she'll ASSUME responsibility/ burden SO she CAN yell at me "FOR burdening her"?? It makes me very sad. I thought I was doing the right thing, helping people. But mom thinks I'm somehow doing it so I can take things from HER later. I probably DID do that in the past. Heck, I STILL DO, because this conversation ONLY happened BECAUSE I asked IF she had any extra kitchenware to spare, instead of keeping my dumbass mouth shut & just buying my own. I should've known better. Now I'll never hear the end of it.
2) She will NEVER share my victories, or congratulate me. I told her about how I overcame breakfast flashbacks. I told her how brave I was getting through the soy hell yesterday. I told her how I got through lunch by thinking fondly of grandpa. I told her I was being brave again by having a Poptart for snack. And ALL SHE SAID WAS "...okay...?" like, "and your point is...?" "This is important because...?" Basically, "why does that even matter? Why are you telling me this?" I told her I ENJOYED the gyro & english muffins and she LITERALLY said "THAT'S SO FUNNY." LIKE WTF MOM WHAT ARE YOU EVEN RESPONDING TO??? There's NO DIALOGUE unless my therapist is directing it, it sadly seems. I'm sorry. I'm just heartbroken. I WANT TO SHARE MY JOY & STRIVING WITH HER. I want her to be proud of me. ...but all I ever get are detached phrases. I ask and she'll say something tangentially reassuring but there's NO vulnerability, no actual sincere heartfelt words. And... I NEED those. I'm realizing I will never get such words from her. I never have and that's not going to change. It's why I'm starving. Emotionally I am so hungry. I want to weep. I need to just go upstairs & cry with Anxi, & listen to Laurie, & be with Chaos 0. THEY share my joys & sorrows & struggles & victories. THEY are proud of me, GENUINELY so. I NEED that. I'm so sad. I feel so guilty for needing to be loved. I can't keep seeking it from mom. It's so sad. But it's true. I'm depending too much on her emotional support/ response for validation, and I am not getting any and I never have and I probably never will. That is so hard to admit. I need to let her go. I can't hold her to my expectations if she cannot meet them. It's unfair to her & to us. I need to move on from childhood grief & desperation. I need to focus on headspace & heaven for support. ...and I ALSO need to EMBRACE the FACT that GOD DOES NOT "HOLD HEAVEN OUT OF OUR REACH," "way up there," intangible & unknowable. CHRIST INCARNATED. And there ARE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE-- IN MY HEART, MOST OF ALL-- WHO REFLECT GOD'S LOVE TO ME ALWAYS. And I NEED to turn to THEM, then, AS God's messengers to me, as His angels, for the encouragement & empathy & sincere lifesharing love that I am starving to death for. Heaven IS within reach. SO STOP REFUSING TO LET YOURSELF EAT.

 

Woke up 800. Stayed in bed until ~830, letting the body rest from pain, just embracing Chaos 0 and being so grateful for him

Biking immediately, lots of phone talk with mom. Planning Church rides. We do get to go to the vigil today so we SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE CONFESSION thank God.
But Tony says that tomorrow morning there's NO MUSIC?? So we actually get to go to Saint John's instead, which is awesome.

BK prep MELTDOWN.
ABSOLUTELY CATASTROPHIC. We haven't had something this violent in MONTHS.
All set off by putting "too much oil" in the broccoli, in response to the lotophagoi compulsion of "add a tiny bit more, we're celebrating today." But that ALWAYS BACKFIRES YOU IDIOT.
Exacerbated by pouring the vitamin water into a cup, which triggered out some girl INSISTING IT WAS GOING TO KILL US because it was in a cup?? That "made it wrong" somehow. We tried to reason with her, nothing worked. Spice tried to front, kicked out. But then I said, think of Church-- we drink the Blood of Christ out of a "cup," and right now we're drinking red liquid, so think of it in memory of that! And THAT immediately shoved Knife into fronting, and despite the girl's continued protests, he solemnly and almost victoriously drank it. Then he was kicked out just as hard as the girl screamed that now we would die, etc.
But then I suddenly looked down at the mug and remembered, Infi used to drink hir tea out of this. And that just completely disarmed everything. The girl disappeared, the fear disappeared, there was nothing but this depth of grateful & loving grief.

Our memory totally blacks out then, and the next thing we recall is kneeling on the bathroom floor before the DVM image, praying in intense fear, but then saying something to Jesus to which He responded IN "PRAYERSPACE"?? OH YEAH we were in such agony of self-loathing that we physically made a motion like tearing our heart out and giving it to Him, saying "do something with this please", and IMMEDIATELY we got pulled into the Prayerspace visuals, where Christ reached down, took our heart, and SHATTERED IT. We remember seeing the countless shards like broken stained glass, FEELING the breakage that completely, in shock. We were temporarily numb, empty, but still in shock! We were horrified that He was going to leave us like that, totally incapable of emotion (like Davy Jones; it's not worth the tradeoff), but then Jesus silently reached back down to us (we did not see what happened in the meantime, we were too shaken) and LITERALLY placed a "new heart" in our chest? But it was PURE RED. It was ALL BLOOD, wet and warm and vulnerable, and capable of pain. That was actually a greater shock, to go immediately from feeling nothing to feeling THAT inside us, alive and fragile and emanating this contrite ache, no hatred at all, just this new wet red emotion we had no words for.
Memory cuts out immediately as we left Prayerspace, and the somafoni took over like nothing happened.

(quick note from later. Jesus actually did SOMETHING with the shards, either storing them or what, but specifically referencing infinitii in the process. like He would rebuild hir out of them or something. dont remember details but that single notable fact stands out very clearly. we would not forget the impact of such a name mention if nothing else)

So things got worse. During the DVM chaplet, that OTHER girl (long brown messy hair, wild eyes, RED unseen resonance NOT green) was triggered again, the same one that was "killing herself beneath the crucifix" the other day.
There's literally no accessible memory from this ENTIRE TIME PERIOD which is DISTURBING because general data says that when it was happening it felt as if we were dying from self-hatred, rage, grief, etc.
Memory snaps back with "me" trying to front, but the body just started "quiet screaming" in the "bulimic response" way-- the needing to somehow expel the pressure and pain and ugly corrupt filthy feeling in our chest.
We tried to pray?? Almost no memory detail, everything still a blur, except for a clear memory of me sobbing to God "I don't want to hate!!"
Well GOD RESPONDED. Apparently then "I" started cleaning up the floors as I talked to Him, trying to lay it all out before Him in humbled contrition & brutal honesty, and although there's no speech data, general data says that someone DID admit that there was anger towards Chaos 0 BECAUSE he loved us so much? "But he's not even real," that person said with A VERY COLD HEART, that data actually stuck because it felt SO WRONG. They were blaming Chaos 0 for EVERYTHING this morning, even moreso than the "excuse making" lotophagoi, because she wouldn't have "had any excuse TO try to celebrate" if there wasn't an anniversary today, but this girl who was talking insisted that IT WAS ALL FAKE. He's not real, and so neither is his love, and so "I" don't have to think about it at all or even care.
To which Jesus INSTANTLY responded, "he's as real as your heart," and "don't you think I love you THROUGH him?"
Then the girl GOT FURIOUS, angry that she couldn't erase this, and as her "fake pious" veneer fell our memory cuts out instantly. I don't know if there was a switch or what, but everything blacks out.
The last memory we have shows the body standing up and moving about the kitchen, cleaning up robotically while in terrified tears, praying to God that we were "completely helpless," we couldn't do good, we couldn't stop feeling like this, and we were "going to die" if He didn't help us-- and, we bravely said, "and I KNOW You DON'T want me to die because You died on the Cross in my place to save me from death!" BUT that triggered angry-hair girl again, screaming "well He SHOULD have let me die, I'm so evil, I deserve it, why does He let me go on living like this" etc. Some somafoni comforter tried to respond, "it's because we still live in a fallen world, we have to fight, but the Cross saves us from slavery to death so we CAN fight it, and God glorifies His Mercy by always delivering us from death" etc. But this didn't help the hateful girl, she just wanted "all the evil in her" ANNIHILATED, FOREVER, RIGHT NOW. And her presence was bringing up all the unbearable moral panic and guilt and crushing apocalyptic fear of hell. We tried to reason with her that going to confession DID accomplish something, even if we didn't understand how, because if we receive absolution and then die immediately we would allegedly "go to heaven" because God "wiped away our sins"?? But we were too unsure, and afraid of blaspheming by accident, so we dropped the train of thought and were immediately swallowed up by absolute terror.
In a tiny lucid second, the Core fronted and begged God again to "give me a sign, just do something to show me clearly and beyond doubt that somehow You will help me get out of this hell, that You will deliver me from this, because without Your merciful help I am literally going to die."

Our next memory is of the body standing in the bathroom, so suffocated by self-hatred & despair, that we closed our eyes and immediately went into headspace and whoever was "the conscious anchor" went straight to Laurie and begged her to kill them.
And she got out the axe.
And it is MIRACULOUS how efficacious her violence is.

Her color LOCKS IN VIOLET when she is using the axe on us. She also goes right back into the profanity-threats, as such words are sharp and blunt force impact and that is NEEDED in such context. Censorship dulls the blade.

Anyway she cut us up seven ways to Sunday, and with each "death reset" things got clearer, bit by bit, but there was still this lingering "not my real self" feeling.
We asked for a hammer?? Said we NEEDED shatter damage. Laurie paused, said hey wow we actually don't have anyone with a hammer weapon, but would this work? And she "fused" her axeblades into a makeshift hammer before swinging it at our head. Well our skull was absolutely shattered and that was EXACTLY what we needed to "fix our consciousness"; from that instant we actually felt "at peace." Our consciousness had been effectively disconnected from a physical form in headspace, and we were now just existing as a soul "around" all the blood, resting IN the blood, and somehow that felt perfectly correct.
Other nousfoni were gathering by the room entrance by now, shocked and aghast at this bloody scene, but saying nothing. Its been years, yes, but this is Laurie's function.
I remember Laurie "dragging me up off the floor" trying to get me to reembody? She can somehow "grab my soul" into a shape and force that, it's astounding actually. But I was embodying AS BLOOD. My entire "body" LOOKED LIKE MY NEW HEART.
ON THAT NOTE... as Laurie was picking me up from the floor as I was reforming, she went to put a hand on my "shoulder" before realizing it was just blood, and it got all over her hand. She looked at it in bemused surprise, then with purposeful gravity she smeared that blood across her chest bandages. I swear I nearly fell to my knees from the SHEER IMPACT of that gesture. She caught me though, said that was nothing to worship, and I deliriously replied something like "I know but it makes me think of God". That single action of hers had testified so explicitly and loudly to God's REAL Nature that suddenly, all the hell of the morning seemed to have been expiated in it.

Anyway, as Laurie got me back on my feet I did go back into a physical body form, but it still felt wrong? Especially in contrast to the blood. Confused and upset, I repeated the weird "need" for shattering that being in the body kept eliciting.
The next thing I know, I hear a gun being loaded, and instantly Leon headshots me. Dazed but elated (despite being temporarily headless, that's normal) I "said" (facelessly of course) that THAT was what I was talking about, that was perfect. I know he headshot me twice more before Laurie said okay that's enough, especially since I was starting to "lose myself" almost ecstatically in this now, as I was turning back to all blood. As she told me to stabilize, Leon actually walked over in tears asking, "why do you need us to do this??" Notably upbeat now, finally feeling clearheaded and clearhearted, I started to explain how for a Core, these small "death resets" worked to "reboot" and "purify" the consciousness via blood-- because ONLY blood CAN purify-- when it gets excruciatingly distorted or corrupt from negative emotions and distortions. I was interrupted by Leon suddenly hugging me, though, which was deeply sweet but also had Laurie shout to be careful, because I was still all bloodform. Laurie then said hey, if he gets to do that, then so do I, and pulled me into a fierce embrace, not being careful at all haha.

"I asked God for a sign and He gave me Laurie"

"You cut me into a cross!"
"There's no better shape to be in, kiddo"

After all this, as we're all regrouping in much-needed peace and relief at last, freakin' MIMIC just WALKS IN like, "I see we're starting late today, what'd I miss?"
I think Laurie said "buddy, you're better off not knowing"
I just said "it's been one purgatory of a morning"


OH ALSO Chaos 0 going BACK TO HIS OLD SI FORM?? Telling me I needed to stop "locking him into" his original canon, and especially ineeded to stop seeking public "approval" and recognition of our relationship for it to be "valid"-- "Its about us, not the fandom"

Laurie SHOCKED when I told her that EVERYTHING that happened this morning was triggered by ONE EXTRA TEASPOON OF OLIVE OIL, which the lotophagoi blamed CHAOS 0 for, and therefore SHUT OFF OUR HEART in response, which enabled such hell to occur.
Laurie said "why does this happen EVERY YEAR though"??? And she's RIGHT-- EVERY ANNIVERSARY, SOMETHING happens along the lines of TOTAL VIOLENT DENIAL OF LOVE & RELATIONSHIP. So there is an ANCIENT WOUND somewhere that we have not healed or even properly identified.
Laurie then said "Infi needs to come back for BOTH OF YOU-- ze was the only person who COULD personally deal with these issues and NOT be shut down or traumatized by them"


Later=
Scalpel & Laurie talking at the Manger
L= "you do realize that baby is God? The same God Who set the stars in place, invented animals" (gesturing at them) "and created His Own Mother out of nothing?"
S= "I think it says a lot about that God that He would become a little baby." "And He comes to us every year like this, doesn't He? I think the Manger is eternal, too, not just the Cross."

------‐-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

god what are you trying to tell me.

i am feeling dead, completely dead, for the third day in a row at least

and i have spotify on

and it is playing one system song after another.


i still have that other girl
late night partner
living/breathing
fathom.

my heart is weeping.

and yet i keep shutting it down. suffocating it. burying it under six feet of infamous plastic.
dying inside. freezing to death. calcifying.



listen, yesterday was literal hell.

infi is still dead. i'm dying. i know it. everyone knows it.
xenophon...

xennie got so mad at me for "not being her father anymore" that she just left
she refused to talk to me, she wouldn't even acknowledge me, when i tried to ping her upstairs she would pointedly ignore me

and chaos 0
i forgot how bitter he gets when this happens
and yeah you all know this has a history
"what, and you never considered how this would affect me?"
calling me out on my narcissism
"you thought you could just abandon twenty years???"

but what if god wants me to

there's the girl voice. there she is.
listen that's the problem
I HAVE to be a girl to get to heaven
but is this heaven????
because it feels just like hell
there is no love, no joy, no hope, no faith here
just religious compulsion and a hollow heart
or arguably no heart at all since ze melted into oblivion last week
but i don't care about that.
ze wasn't real, according to me.

and i'm the "real one," i guess
because i'm the girl
because i identify with the body
even if it doesn't look like me
but you can see me in the actions and the face at the wrong angles
and in long hair when we have it
and how it's all just a FCKING PARODY OF THE FCKING MOTHER

LISTEN YOU SHUT UP I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU IN THE FREAKING HOSPITAL.
OH ARE WE CENSORING ME NOW???? 
FINE
GREAT
LISTEN I'M STILL FURIOUS ENOUGH TO SPIT NAILS THROUGH THIS KEYBOARD

WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, CLAIMING OWNERSHIP OF THIS WHOLE SORRY BODY????
YOU THINK YOU COULD TAKE CARE OF IT????
FAT CHANCE SISTER
NEVERMIND I DISOWN ALL POTENTIAL RELATION TO YOU
I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE HEARTLESS WITCHES LIKE YOU THAT KEEP TRYING TO KILL THE REST OF US

EVERYTHING HURTS


we feel so dead. it's just like our childhood.
no sense of self. no sense of purpose. just background noise. just static. just playacting. just empty show.
never a future to look forward to. never anything to live for. every day just a whitewashed tomb.
"we weren't even abused" someone says "how dare you, we had it so good!" another one scolds.
listen i'm not here to debate mangled childhood memory
i know what terrifying things we do remember. i know what toxic aftereffects are glaringly obvious. we do have trauma you know

DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME THAT "IT'S ONLY TRAUMA IF YOU WHINE ABOUT IT" GARBAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we do need a therapist i think
just to see what happens if we try to talk about this aloud
see if we get hijacked or shut down and shut up
see who is able to front, if anyone anymore,
the body has become so unsafe
and the 2018 disaster made fronting fatal for most of us
i don't want to think about that i will throw up and try to kill myself
ourself
i don't even know


god help us

"he won't help you if you're not a girl!!!!! :)" that's all i hear
oh and they're starting up with the worse thing too
"you have to be a good girl, and good girls have s*x with men!!!!"

SHUT
THE
HELL
UP
DON'T YOU DARE CENSOR ME
GIVE ME ONE LINE

LISTEN YOU GODDAMNED BITCHES FROM HELL STOP TRYING TO FORCE US TO FUCK PEOPLE I SWEAR I WILL MURDER YOU

THANK YOU


the fact that that has returned is horrifying
it's what fueled the julie days in the very beginning
also, in case you forgot,
we had gender dysphoria even in elementary school
so stop claiming there was this "perfect widdle girl" we have to "go back to being" "in order to be saved" etc.
you're all just pedophiles and satanists
we have proved that before
oh don't think i forgot that one horrifying xanga in north carolina
when you basically straight-up admitted to being the sexual perverts you are
hiding it under "religion" and "femininity"
and all you're doing is objectifying little kids
framing our entire life as "worthy" or "unworthy" of being lived
based solely on how f*ckable we are
i hate what you've done to our life
"what life" you say and smirk that prissy pout
just like the bottomfeeders you are
"you don't exist! :)"
christina was one of you
you're all devils in pastel dresses and lipstick
underneath all that you're swarms of maggots
go back to hell where you belong




god please what do i do.
"i" used very loosely.

you know that we have a dualcore running in this heart here
jewel and jay tagteaming the whole operation
they were working so well, god, honestly we thought they were,
but
you weren't happy with it?
you said, "no EVERYONE has to be GONE and there must only be ONE GIRL ever"
and you want us all to die?
i can feel this channel slipping
scared kids wanting to weep and cry from fear and confusion

i keep thinking of poor xenophon

god telling her that her father has to die
that her father was never real in the first place
that he's not allowed to be a father
that his love is illegitimate
that he will never ever be allowed to love his family
that his family isn't real
that his life is doomed to be deleted by a self-hating pig of a girl

what now
what happens to her

does she die too? just like her actual mother?
don't spit and grimace at me you hellish women you know ze was
"ze was an abomination you say" aha but you used the right pronouns
and your mask slips for just a second
i see the grotesque hatred beneath all the makeup don't worry
i know what you are.


but the doubt and fear lingers
what are we? what is the system, really?
we thought we were learning real love
but
the more i read these entries from 2012 and 2013
reading about our life back then
we were so misled
we were so blind and dumb
we were so unbelievably LOST
no wonder our life was hell back then, our spiritual life was a JOKE
we believed everything we were told and it was all ABSOLUTE GARBAGE
painted in pastels and covered in glitter of course
marketed to seem oh so lovely and sweet and good and holy!!! etc etc
but it was LITERAL HELL.

is that what we're doing now?
this obsession we have with religion lately
still so motivated by fear and performance
MUST say this many prayers, MUST say them at these times, etc.
"if you don't God WILL punish you!!!" just waiting for us to screw up because we WILL and he KNOWS it
not knowing how to love God
not understanding how he loves us
because
we're not allowed to feel love in the first place
and all the "spiritual" faces in the world insist, at one point or another,
that even "spiritual" love just turns into sex

it makes me want to die forever

honestly if eternal life means being a sexual girl then
then i'm afraid i would rather die
because that's eternal life in hell you're describing
absolute literal hell

and yet i'm trapped
we're trapped
trapped in this poor diseased animal of a body
which our faith INSISTS is "eternal"
which is TERRIFYING
so you're telling me that not even death will free us from this bloated corpse?
that we'll have this cancer-shaped girth strapped to our bones forever?
that we'll be damned to this whorish biology even in alleged heaven????

god i am so afraid


listen
please

right now i cannot feel anything at all. at all.
i am numb and i don't care and i want to die.
but in a way i miss this
because i'm recognizing this as something that happened in the past
in a SYSTEM past
and whenever there were hollow empty hell nights like this
even system resets like the one we're obviously in
sooner or later
there was a resurrection.

OF THE SYSTEM.

NOT YOU HARLOT FEMALES HANGING AROUND THE EDGES OF OUR MIND
YOU'RE NOT ALIVE TO BEGIN WITH

i want to throw up so badly
but even saying that triggers out that blue girl with the straggly hair
her entire existence is that feeling
she refuses love as a stupid farce, as an impossibility in her perpetual hell
god what do we do about people like her?

honestly i
in the system i would love to be able to heal her
for us all to get over those shackles of past trauma and move on together into a future of hope

but
it feels like god keeps saying

"whoever loves his life will lose it"
if you love those people,
i will kill them
i will take every one of them away from you
so all you have is god

but whatever is saying that can't be really god
because i never, ever, ever ever feel any love from it

is that what real love is? detachment? white empty sterile?
or is it that other horrible flipside, the other corruption,
the "e****c" horror that even mystics shamelessly talk about
if that's love then no wonder i'm trying to freeze myself to death


god it's all just hell at this point

except headspace
except headspace
and i have no idea how to cope with that fact

i want to exist.

listen i want to exist
i want to live and love and learn and help others inside AND outside, please,
let that be how things change and grow, not this annihilation,
just open and expand our hearts more so we CAN live in the body TOGETHER
instead of losing it to those girls
to those female fractures that live to hate and hurt
why are they all like that?

the threat is always,
"if you heal them, they will take over, and go right back to how they were"
the fear is that if they get a foothold, they'll immediately press the "reset from factory settings" button
and scream/sob/laugh all the way down to gehenna

we always knew we weren't alone in our own head
why are you trying to erase that fact from reality
you can't just delete the past twenty four years
but you're trying
all in the name of god, you say
and that's what scares us into submission

"god is a consuming fire"
and i was always just a fragile snowflake of a boy, i guess
if i was even that
am i just doomed to die? because i wasn't the first one? because i don't match the body?

god we're so lost.


yesterday
xenophon got so angry. heartbroken. distraught. crying and shouting.
"why aren't you my dad anymore"
"where did my dad go"
"why did my mom have to die"
etc.

and chaos 0, silent in the shadows, with those eyes burning like the end of all things
grief and heartache so intense they would flood the entire world
"so the past twenty years don't exist to you anymore?"
"are you just going to pretend i don't exist?"
can't even translate it correctly
if he let his actual feelings out full force it would literally kill me
or whoever he was talking to
if they even are alive enough to die at all
with their empty ribcages i doubt it
they're already graves with faces.

laurie falling to pieces
literally shattering on some level
her color fraying like the dust on a butterfly wing when you tear it
just destroying her completely
she's tied to the core, always,
no wonder she's fracturing too


i'm so tired

is my love a sin?
the girls gasp and laugh and sneer and spit "yes"
i'm not even me talking right now i can feel it
that hollow girl keeps shadowing over me
pretending this is all a farce, a game, a playact
and she can just ignore and forget this when it's done
erase it even, shut it all down, go try to die

DON'T YOU DARE

thank you,
whoever you are you are always around and honestly thank you for existing

she needs a name
honestly whoever she is she deserves recognition
what am i even trying to say
i'm so so so glad that at least one person in the system is always able to be around in times like this

even so
the core is always supposed to be able to love
that's the main criteria
and that very sentence elicits the scandalized howling from the women
weird replacement for the floating-voice boardroom honestly
these women are, rather blasphemously, standing in the church hall
in their pastel dresses and lace and bulging purses
like our childhood memories
whispering and sneering behind nailpolished hands and fancy hats
in god's own house
just because i said the word "love"
and they call me a slut


...
i was, once. i'll admit that.
2012-2013 so far are bringing that regret into sharp reality in my mind.
yes, i was misled. yes, i was desperate. yes, i was stupid.
but yes, i was a slut. i tried to own the trauma and i just became it all over again.
but i'm sorry. i know i did wrong. and i know that wasn't love.
still.
i know i was still feeling love besides all that confusion.
i CAN tell the difference.
...i hope.
all this hell lately is making me wonder
two things:
either,
real love IS somehow being a slut, but only if you're heterosexual, or
real love is numb empty cold detached somehow. "god love." no emotion.
i know that's fake
i was reading voice of the martyrs today
and that one islamic shepherd reading about jesus describing himself as the good shepherd
and it changed his life forever
because he KNEW how much he loved his own sheep, tenderly and carefully and gently
and he never thought GOD could feel like that, let alone towards HIM.
and THAT is God. THAT is Love.
and dear God that is what i want my entire life to be.
just love.

am i not allowed to have this family

i know it's weird, i know it's biologically impossible, but we exist, please even if we're not "normal" we're still trying to live for love, for you,
what are we doing wrong?
why do we have to die?

why did infi have to die?
was it just to jumpstart all of this?
was it just so i could learn to love hir again, in the crushing grief that gripped my heart?
was it just to give hir another second chance to live after the trauma?

why can't we look at it
why can't we let go
it literally feels like a gravestone
even the julie days weren't like this
even the slc days weren't like this
it was just cnc, and what happened there, it broke us
we never wrote about it, never talked about it,
just replayed the killing blow over and over and over and over in our head
and tried to kill ourselves with an eating disorder every night
unable to bear the physical memories and mental horrors
wanting to die and hating ourselves beyond our ability to cope
disguising it as self-indulgence but really just reliving the fatal event
don't want to talk about it
don't justify it
it deserves its own entry
five freaking years later

but i won't touch it now


what do you expect if you delete us all and rewind to, what, 2007?
do you want us to be that social-mask of a girl that primped herself for q all over again?
she thought love was just talking nice and being nice and making yourself like everything they did even if you didn't
and when he said he loved us, IMMEDIATELY the cannons were born
"anima's" life purpose had been achieved, she could die now,
and then the reality of what she DID slammed into us and we couldn't cope
so we turned hard red and tried to burn ourselves to death.

who do you expect us to go back to?
hoseki, the manic one in 2005? burying herself in video games and anime to the point where she didn't even live in the body at all?
or the jewels before that, in late elementary school, who were absolutely homoromantic and EXPLICITLY wanted to "grow up to be boys"?
or the kids that held the birth name, who hated having to wear makeup and dresses and hated being lumped in with the other afab kids?
how the heck early do you expect to rewind the tape? what are you trying to find?
we've always been a freak if you haven't realized yet
or is your goal different and deadlier
are you just trying to kill us completely?
"if you all die we can MAKE the perfect girl for God™ instead" and then what?
honestly what is your end goal? to go to heaven? to "win"? to be "good"?
you view this as an achievement? a trophy? a diploma? an award that you're "pretty and perfect?"
you vapid china dolls.
you don't care about anyone except yourselves
YOU'RE your OWN god

you don't know how to love.

i do.

don't laugh at me. stop. i'm tired of the shame kickback.
deep down i know i have to know what love is, right?
i mean
everything else i read, despite my many failures and faults,
i still genuinely loved people
at least
isn't that what it was?



i'm so tired
we have to be up early tomorrow, eye doctor
considering driving the back roads through the woods
worried about dissociating or breaking down and getting totally lost
don't want to drive it alone in any case
but
dear god please whenever we're out and about genesis shows up please,
please let him always show up
i love him
he loves me
please don't kill him or take him away
(saying that is a death sentence, now god KNOWS what you're afraid of and he WILL do it JUST WATCH)


i'm so tired
physically of course, we're always tired now
xenophon likes to tease me about it on the way down the stairs
"dad did you take a melatonin??" no sweetheart the body's just exhausted.
but we always talk. just... normal talk. everyday talk. family talk. i love her so much.
god am i not allowed to be her father?
am i not allowed to exist?
would you
would you leave
god i can't say it
please don't kill me
don't tell me i have to die in order for someone else to go to heaven
and no not in the christlike way
i mean like,
i'm not allowed to go to heaven, i have to DIE, and that heartless wench will go instead "because she's a girl"
it makes no sense.
i'm so tired
i wish i could cry



last night i did for a few seconds please god let me write this down
whoever was out yesterday,
someone "shut the system down" for several hours
took over totally. felt like an empty apartment. all bleach white and dead wallpaper peeling
actually binge-purged for like two hours
did not care
the whole time reading the bible like the hypocrite she was
honestly disgusting
then crashed on couch and slept
went to bed not caring
or at least, she tried.
but someone got through.
i think it was adelaide and julie. the two girls who are trying to take care of the body instead.
but it opened up the window. let some of the night air in. some hope.

suddenly i was there
trying to say night prayer alone
and it felt so wrong
then suddenly
as i was trying to just say the closing salve regina
alone for the first time ever
i felt someone at my shoulder
listen i wasn't even looking
part of "me" didn't want anyone there
i didn't call anyone or ask for anyone
but he was there.
"are you going to say that alone?"
the tender pity in those words, the genuine concern,
i stopped and just turned and looked,
met green eyes in the dark,
flatly managed to respond
"i thought you had given up on me"
and i will never, never forget his reply:

"jewel. i'm fidelity. i will never leave you."

and i sobbed.

i pulled him into my arms, close to my heart, and for a few seconds i actually cried.

for a few seconds the world all came back together
soft and silent and bittersweet ache

i don't remember anything else after that
except for knowing he was there
for not being able to deny or ignore the weight of his existence
like a rainbow after the flood
and falling asleep with teardrop eyes and blue in my arms


god what do i do

i can't feel this as a girl
i'm not a girl
the girls have a different job
they can't fall in love they're just kids

but then what about the teenage jewels?
whoever was around from 2004-2008, inbetween the chinadolls and cannonfire, before the bloodline shift took root?
there's no record left of them
god what were they like? who were they?
is that who you want me to be?

how do i just... let go of fifteen entire years?
how do i let you just erase half of our life?
oh i know the jewels used to pray for it
but literally, god, they wanted to literally go back to childhood and start over without the trauma

that was before the system existed
that was before this family existed
and yes i'm talking about ALL of headspace

i love every single nousfoni up here
i don't include the hackers and devils in dresses of course
if they want to be included they have to stop trying to murder us
they say "oh how dare you we're not trying to murder you!!" insert silly laughter here
passive indirect murder is still murder
i know exactly how your hearts are inclined
you want us dead.

but i
my memories keep replaying those few seconds after the massacre so many years ago
it's not even my memory it was just burned into the systemind
when jessica and cannon shot everyone down for this same reason
"you're all whores and sluts and you ruined my life and you deserve to die" etc.
and infi and i both died
and laurie didn't
and the city was falling apart
and the sky and the ground were all red for different reasons
and she held my bleeding body in her one remaining arm
and she
god what do you even call that
the most gutwrenching sound i've ever heard
a sob and a scream all at once
choked with blood
as everything died.
i keep seeing that moment of total despair
over and over
like a flashback
i can smell the gore and gunpowder
i can see the broken glass and guts
and i just hear her voice
tearing reality in half.

i don't want that to ever happen again


oh lord please
if you are love
and if
forget it i have no right to say anything like that


god please
even if i'm a
even if i'm a damnable sinner for begging this
please
i know i'm a wretch
i've been white, so i carry the plague
i carry the pride and apathy and ignorance
and i've carried red too you know
all the violence and rage and bloodlust
point is i'm no perfect diamond
i'm just coal under pressure
you know that i'm just carbon dust
what am i even trying to say
oh yeah
that i'm completely wretched and unworthy and sinful
even if i tend to pretend i'm a prism or something
i'm just a mess.

but i love them, god.
please don't kill them.
please
if i am allowed to live
and to love
and to take care of this body
and to take care of this family
then please
help me to do that.

but
if

if i have to die
please don't hurt anyone else in the process
please give xenophon the parent she deserves
please give chaos 0 the partner he deserves
unless that's not in your plan either
but i am begging you
if it is
i hope it is
with all i have left of me i hope it is


but
if i have to die
and if a girl has to take over

then god for your own sake
take out my heart and put it in her
don't let her me like those other girls
don't let her be corrupt
don't let her be heartless
if there is anything good in me at all
if there is any love in me at all
then kill me if you have to
kill me and gut me
and give all the good stuff to her

if she can love the system
if she can love my daughter
if she can love my beloved
(and you know no words sum up what he is to me
even if i'm not allowed to call him a spouse)
if she can love,
BOTH inside and out,
AND this poor body and self,

then i'll happily die and let her take over.

but if you're only killing me because i'm a boy

if you only killed infi because
god i don't even know why
because ze was part of me i guess

if we all have to die because we're "abnormal"
and i have to die because i'm not a girl

then god for your own sake i am begging you
at least make her able to love.

if anything will enable her to be properly holy
it's that.

she'll love you and all the people around her

even if we all have to die for her to do that.




god i want to weep
is this going to be my last night alive
will i ever hold him in my arms again
will i ever be able to love without hating myself now
feeling like an abomination
feeling fake and foolish and fated to hell
maybe this will kill me
honestly it already is
the disease is terminal

i'm going to miss music
being able to perceive beauty
summer rains
christmas lights
the scent of the lilies in church
quiet sunlit mornings
quieter starlit nights
laughing with genesis on the road
joking around with my baby girl
all those treasured conversations with laurie
all those blissful hours with chaos zero
i'm going to miss everyone
i'm going to miss existing


but it's all up to god i guess


i don't know what to think or feel or say at all anymore

i wish i could cry

but i think the calcification has gone too far


i wonder if the girl will be able to cry
i wonder if the girl will be able to laugh


who will she love? anyone? or just god?

i feel sick


are we all just garbage in the divine sight? so easily tossed aside?

i don't want to think this way
it can't end like this
except it can


it's almost 1am
feels like i'm being executed in the morning

i don't want to sleep

god i want to stay awake and hold everyone in my arms and weep

but i'm

already i can feel them trying to take over



today i felt the shift
i'm no longer the established core.
i have to front now.
i'm not automatically in that central position
i'm just another nousfoni now
but
there's no one else taking up the core role

are we supposed to collapse?

we just
we finally get together again after so many years
and then god just pulls the whole thing down
takes a wrecking ball to the stained glass windows
just like we never were


is it a sin to fight?
would it be a sin to wake up tomorrow and try to front?
would it be a sin to fiercely try to be myself for everyone's sake?
would it be a sin to continue to try and archive our history?
would it be a sin to hope desperately to keep on living?
or
or should i just give up now
delete all the files
forget all the past
give up the fight
and just hand over the reins to whoever shows up?


lord help us i don't know

"he won't help you" the women say


i'm too existentially hollow to argue anymore

i want to feel something
like i was starting to when i began this entry
before someone shut it all down
ashamed of my emotions
disgusted by my feelings
hateful towards my existence
shut it all down
bleach it all out
paint it all over
cut it all out


i don't want to feel this empty
this isn't me
what hope is there
what hope do we have
if this is all we are meant to be?

if this is what existence is
maybe we'd be better off dead



no

NO

NO WE'RE NOT

NO WE'RE NOT YOU KNOW THERE'S COLOR UP HERE
THERE'S RED AND BLUE AND GREEN AND VIOLET AND ORANGE AND YELLOW AND BROWN EVEN LIKE ME
THERE'S BLACK AND WHITE AND THEY AREN'T DEAD THEY HAVE SPARKLES IN THEM
EVEN I KNOW THAT
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
DON'T DIE
DON'T LET US DIE
DON'T DIE
DON'T LET IT ALL DIE
PLEASE
THERE'S A RAINBOW UP HERE AND THERE'S LIFE AND LIGHT I PROMISE YOU THERE IS HOPE SOMEWHERE
SOMEWHERE

WE HAVEN'T DIED YET
THEY HAVEN'T KILLED US YET

I

I DON'T WANT THEM TO EITHER

PLEASE DON'T LET US DIE


i don't know if i have that say at all


TRY PLEASE


what and blaspheme god


IF YOU SAY GOD IS LOVE THEN GOD IS WITH US BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE LOVE UP HERE AND YOU KNOW IT


is our definition wrong
it has to be
god's ways are higher than our ways


why do i feel so resigned to death

why can't i accept even the possibility of hope
it all feels heretical
like if i dare to look for sunlight on the horizon
i will be guillotined as an apostate

nothing is worth living for anymore
how stupid

"you're supposed to live for god" they say
listen i want to
but i honestly do not know who god is right now

remember the shepherd, someone else says
the good shepherd doesn't kill his sheep because they're the wrong gender inside
or because they have lots of other sheep in their heads
people like us aren't supposed to exist
we're aberrations in reality
we don't count
god has every right to murder us
and start over again


i want to cry
i don't want to die
i don't want us to die
i don't want my daughter to die
i don't want my daughter to be alone and unloved
i don't want laurie to mourn over any more massacres
i don't want the world to burn


i think i'm going to lose my mind if i stay up any later

oh god i'm so afraid this is the last thing i'll ever write
i'm barely even conscious


to everyone in the system i love you
xenophon my baby girl i love you
chaos 0 my better half forever i love you god knows i do
laurie and genesis and infinitii i love you all so so so much
the entire system, everyone, i love you, i swear i love you until the stars burn out
all our hearts are bound together in a blessed kaleidoscope and no one can deny that
it's the truth
i love all of you
i love all of you


i never meant to hurt anyone.


i'm so sorry if i'm the death of us all.





if there's anything after this

i want to see all of you again

if not


then believe me when i tell you
with every last fading atom of my heart

that every single moment
for all of you
has been beautiful.


if the love i've shared with you all is the only heaven i'll ever get
then i thank god that we had it together.

not even death can change that.



maybe we'll all still be here tomorrow and i'll feel like a fool
but dear god forgive me
wouldn't that be so much better
to laugh affectionately over my drama
to survive and become a little better, a little brighter,
instead of the silence of oblivion


there's no way to rightly end this.


i'm going to choose to hope, then.

oh i know it's foolish

but what else can i do?

that's always been my biggest flaw.




to the entire spectrum
i love you
even now when i feel nothing
even now when i swear i'm dying
i love you

if my life has been worth anything

if there has been anything worth living for


it's you.
 







- j
 

(fusing these two entries as they are the same vital topic, written in the same thought process.)



✳ SO APPARENTLY MY MIND SEES "(deadname)" AS SEPARATE FROM "OLIVER"!!! That explains SO MUCH. it explains HOW we suppressed the "good memories," WHY we "haven't been able to forgive," AND WHY we used that deadname to begin with. We wanted so badly to be FRIENDS with Oliver, that we COULDN'T ACCEPT HIS "UNHEALTHY QUALITIES," and post-trauma our brain therefore just DROPPED his name altogether, to keep it & him SAFE, and used the name HE REJECTED to embody WHAT WE REJECTED, TOO. It was the only way to "make sense" of what happened, however feebly. It's ALSO, MOST NOTABLY & DISTURBINGLY, why we "CAN'T REMEMBER" how OLIVER looked-- because we have trauma memories of that face attached to an "abuser's" body. We ONLY EVER saw (deadname) naked. And we couldn't cope.
✳ Another realization. Although we were ALWAYS "obligated" to do what THEY wanted, what THEY considered "love," WE NEVER GOT TO EXPRESS OUR LOVE. TBAS focused on biting, lascivious "kisses," and rough sex. They would never "hug" us; their "embraces" were usually from behind, and were possessive-- a proclamation of ownership. I can't remember EVER embracing them normally. They NEVER expressed their "love" with ANY tenderness or delicacy, or even sincerity. The ONLY time we EVER felt loved AND BELIEVED that they felt it FOR us, was when they'd give us that "surprised & soft" look, usually after we had done something of our OWN volition for them. ...We always picked them flowers, every single time we went outside. We'd carry roses home in our teeth. We'd secretly buy their favorite foods, especially if they had offhandedly hinted at something. We made & packed their lunches for work. We baked them so many homemade desserts. We went WAY out of our way to prepare & serve them a REAL Thanksgiving dinner and a REAL wigilia for Christmas. We set up an Easter egg hunt for them. We bought them holiday decorations. We did their dishes & laundry & garbage. We SCRUBBED their kitchen clean. We decorated their home with our artwork. We gave them ALL of our long-treasured Pokémon collectibles for their birthday, which they said was LITERALLY "a dream come true"-- which was our greatest hope, because they HAD talked about such dreams extensively and OUR dream WAS to make it come true somehow. We bought them a Tamagotchi for their birthday, too. But... ALL of our love was obviously being directed into ACTS OF SERVICE, in MEETING THEIR BASIC NEEDS AND PERSONAL WANTS, despite-- and perhaps even because-- NONE OF OUR NEEDS WERE BEING MET. We became their absolute caretaker because WE WEREN'T BEING TAKEN CARE OF. In every crisis we would UNFAILINGLY comfort & counsel & reassure them-- when the power went out, when the fleas invaded, when the car broke down, when their haircut was ruined, when they had a meltdown at Walmart, when they were triggered by knocks on the door-- but they NEVER comforted us, with the SOLE notable exception at the park when Jessica fronted & KYO came out to reassure her that she "was a child of the universe" too. And we never forgot that. Still... we felt so unseen, somehow. Their comfort was sympathetic but not empathetic?? And... well, we never SHOWED our pain OR expressed our needs. All of that just imploded & exploded through the eating disorder, to the horribly ironic end that we'd destroy our own efforts of showing unrequited love to them. It was like... if that's the only "love" we can see, then... we couldn't help but desperately gorge ourselves on it. We were starving, inside. We would spend hours eating THEIR food to "be part of their life experience/ share their experiences," since we felt utterly estranged from them otherwise, AND-- as usual-- "trying EVERYTHING" when faced with several unknown options, because "we HAD TO KNOW" what they were like, so we could "understand" & not be "ignorant," which DISTURBED us so much and I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT BEHAVIOR BUT it MUST have powerful ties HERE, in the context of CNC, because THAT'S when it was the WORST. If I had to make a quick guess, I'd say that was "filling the void" of personal connection and actual relationship somehow, too. But it's too complex to treat so lightly, and it started WAY before then; it just hit its near-fatal high point in that apartment. Nevertheless, the bigger point is that we were MISERABLE. Notably we actually began to "WANT" their sexual advances because THAT was the ONLY TIME WE "FELT LOVED" BY THEM; it was attention, at least; they "wanted" us, but in the same way they wanted candy. We were enjoyable to devour.
...I wonder if THAT plays into the binges. If you'll let me switch topics briefly-- we were TERRIFIED of the binges, but still we felt COMPELLED TO BINGE, almost FORCED, no matter HOW much we cried bitterly & raged about it. WE WANTED TO STOP, but when we tried, the sudden ALONENESS of those isolated nights ALWAYS made us REALIZE JUST HOW MISERABLE WE ACTUALLY WERE, when we no longer had to hide or suppress or deny it in their company-- how LONELY & UNLOVED & HOLLOWED-OUT & TRAUMATIZED WE WERE. So we "HAD TO" numb it with food-- but weirdly, NOT with ENJOYABLE food??? Binges were TERRIFYING, full of pain & sugar & FORCED EXPOSURE. We were SO SCARED & SAD & SICK the WHOLE TIME. And of course, the obsessive-compulsive "must try everything" binges of GF "options" and restaurant choices & Latino baked goods. Honestly WHY COULDN'T WE "RELAX" if we "DIDN'T KNOW" what something was LIKE?? Why was that SO IMPORTANT??? OH GEEZ WAIT UP. THAT TIES INTO THE SXABUSE. We ALL remember BOTH the Julie days & the "FB phase," and how I would LITERALLY FORCE EXPOSURE to ALL kinds of abusive indecency, BECAUSE "I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" IF I DON'T "HAVE GOOD REASON TO"????? Does that have FOOD ROOTS in childhood?? Did the family tell me, "TRY IT; YOU'LL LIKE IT"?? and SHAME or PUNISH me if I REFUSED to eat what I was RANDOMLY GIVEN BECAUSE I "DIDN'T LIKE IT" OR "DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS"??? Was the ASSUMPTION that REFUSING WITHOUT "KNOWING WHAT YOU'RE REFUSING" WAS UNJUSTIFIED & UNACCEPTABLE??? Did I feel DOOMED TO EXPOSURE AND PERFORMANCE??? Like with that ONE GF BINGE where I bought the WHOLE DAMN SHELF, so that I COULD "KNOW" WHAT TO EXPECT? because I "HAD TO" eat GF foods?? SO I'D "BETTER KNOW/ PREPARE FOR" what I was "obligated to endure at some point in the future"??? "IF I SUFFER THE INITIAL EXPOSURE BY MYSELF, I'LL KNOW HOW TO ENDURE WHEN OTHERS INFLICT IT/ ORDAIN IT??? SO I CAN BE BRAVE AND SMART?? AND I'LL KNOW I CAN SURVIVE???" But then I was NEVER SAFE OR AT PEACE. I was CONSTANTLY "bracing myself" for the "inevitable," AND "staging battles to prepare for WAR." With Julie & FB-- and the bizarre "internet imitating" phase it spearheaded-- I felt INESCAPABLY DOOMED to sexual trauma, "OBLIGATED" to endure it EVENTUALLY, to "DO WHAT WAS WANTED/ EXPECTED/ DEMANDED OF ME." So I FORCED myself TO "try" those things "BEFOREHAND," SO I COULD HAVE THAT INITIAL TRAUMA MELTDOWN, because with OTHERS I HAD TO PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE & GREAT & "PAINLESS." BUT I HAD TO PREEMPTIVELY BURN AWAY THOSE NERVES, so to speak. I had to be SO PREPARED for the trauma that it WOULDN'T KILL ME. or so I hoped. I think that's what I was doing.
✳ OH DUDE WAIT. IN NC WE KEPT TRYING SWEETS THAT WE "THOUGHT SOUNDED GOOD" OR THAT WE "SHOULD LIKE"??? And if we DIDN'T, we FELT GUILTY??? Like the FOOD felt unloved & rejected?? And we "HAD TO" LIKE EVERYTHING. THAT'S IT!!! WE "HAD TO LIKE ALL THE OPTIONS SO NONE OF THEM WOULD BE REJECTED OR UNLOVED OR FEARED OR IGNORED OR ABANDONED." And we could only do that BY REPEATEDLY FORCING OURSELVES TO EAT THEM "UNTIL" WE "LIKED THEM." ...but typically we DIDN'T. and that felt WRONG. "I SHOULD like this!" and so I'd KEEP FORCING. but it would NEVER WORK, UNTIL I "CHANGED MYSELF TO "LIKE IT"!!! ...emotionlessly. ISCAH STYLE. "I LIKE EVERYTHING" NUMB-FAWNING BEHAVIOR. Dislike was UNACCEPTABLE, so we just... kept trying. and failing. and forcing. etc. "FEAR IS NOT ALLOWED." "YOU MUST CHALLENGE YOURSELF." "YOU MUST RUN INTO DANGER & PROVE YOU CAN SURVIVE IT, BY YOUR OWN CHOICE, BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE FORCES YOU TO."

...So we never said "NO" to (deadname). We never said "NO" to Oliver, because he was our FRIEND, wasn't he? And WE were a friendly person, right? He SAID he loved us, and we love him too... right? He says THAT is love, so... we have to do that, right? Otherwise, WE don't love HIM; otherwise, we're NOT a true friend. Right?? We CAN'T say "no" to ANYTHING. We HAVE to be WILLING & ABLE to endure, WITH A SMILE, WHATEVER WE WERE OBLIGATED TO DO. And... "how can we refuse what we don't even know?" "How can we make the RIGHT decision if we don't have ALL THE DATA???" "If we choose ONE option out of TEN, we NEED TO KNOW WHY THE OTHER NINE WEREN'T CHOSEN." BUT "THAT'S REJECTION AND THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!! YOU CAN'T "PICK FAVORITES;" THAT'S CRUEL & UNFAIR." "EVERYTHING HAS TO BE "LIKED" SO YOU'RE NOT BEING MEAN & COLD & IGNORANT & CLOSED-OFF BY NOT DOING SO." etc. etc. etc. "Why did you choose vanilla over chocolate? I like chocolate! Don't you like me? Are you saying people who choose chocolate will be rejected by you, too??" "Are you being so arrogant & aloof?" "You've never even TRIED that food/ flavor before!! How can you KNOW you won't like it?? You MIGHT LIKE IT!" Were we SO DESPERATE for comfort & security that we were willing to take that risk??
✳ IF WE DISLIKE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKES, WE ARE "THEREFORE" DISLIKING PART OF THEM"-- we are saying, by our distaste, that we find part of THEM distasteful. Our dislike is an OFFENSIVE ACTION, in this mindset. It's an ATTACK. And it makes us OPPONENTS?? But I WANT TO BE FRIENDS. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND THEM. I WANT THEM TO FEEL SEEN & LOVED & KNOWN. I CAN'T do that if I REJECT & AVOID PARTS OF THEIR PERSONALITY & EXPERIENCE!! I MUST be READY & ABLE to empathize with/ share the experiences of ANYONE.
✳ Case in point: we just did "meal session planning" & picked PANERA and two people ALREADY said their choices SO I'M ALREADY ANXIOUSLY FEELING COMPELLED TO PICK THOSE OPTIONS, "TO SHOW I SUPPORT/ APPROVE OF/ CARE FOR THEM."
✳ ALSO. "Once I DO try it, IT'S DONE. I don't EVER have to face that again; it's OVER." Except I wake up the next morning and it happens again. GEEZ, HOW MUCH OF THIS TIES INTO THAT?? Because, in SURVIVAL MODE like we were, ironically we STILL EXPECTED TO DIE. Honestly I think we even hoped for it. We saw no other way out of that doomed cycle.
✳ BTW REMEMBER "ESTAR SYNDROME"!!!
✳ Last note. ...We did love Oliver. I can't deny that. But we could never show it. The one time I remember we DID, in ALL sincerity, was when we spontaneously kissed their stomach, out of pure affection, and their expression just melted. It is the sole memory we have of their face. They said NO ONE had EVER loved THAT part of them before, let alone kissed it. But we did. And THAT is why we COULDN'T "end the relationship." Yes, ultimately our differences in religion & morals were irreconcilable, and my trauma made ME intolerable & toxic. I contritely admit that. (We were a nightmare to live with in that respect and we feel unbearably sorry that they had to deal with the fallout from our mangled coping methods & outright mental illness, no matter how much we tried to make reparation.) Still, their controlling & promiscuous "love" for me was toxic too, and in the end I HAD to choose EITHER them or my family. So I "ghosted" them. I didn't plan to, I didn't want to, it just... I had no other choice. I didn't WANT to "admit" I wanted OUT, that they HAD damaged me, because deep down I COULDN'T FORGET OR (FULLY) DENY THE LOVE I FELT FOR THEM NEVERTHELESS. But we were starving to death with them, emotionally. We WERE "bingeing & purging" their "love," I think. Geez. Wow. Still... (deadname) was what we called them in our memories of the sxabuse. It kept OLIVER "safe" from it, at least apparently. I don't know how we'll react if & when we drop that imposed distinction. But I can't write any more about it now. Just... remember that REAL love. FORGIVE YOURSELF, TOO.

During the hell of the eating disorder, AND up until now in recovery, I've been struggling with one awful, essential, persistent, existential question: "Who AM I, really?" Is my past "real," or "right"? Can I still love? SHOULD I still love? All my imaginative work, all my creativity, all my hopes & dreams & joys & goals-- are any of them valid? Does any of it matter? Should I leave EVERYTHING in my past-- notably my INNER LIFE-- in the past, to be effectively rejected, disowned, & forgotten? And if/ when I DO abandon it, WHO am I then? Who "SHOULD" I be? When ALL of the things I "USED" to treasure & value & live for are GONE... what is left of me? And to be totally blunt with you, I've been struggling with this BLATANTLY SELF-ANNIHILATORY MINDSET SINCE 2010, when Dad shamed me into junking my childhood possessions as "ridiculous garbage" AND I was nevertheless FORCED to actively and traumatically DESTROY most of MY ART & WRITING in order to "minimize my possessions" & "live out of a suitcase" in order to MOVE OUT TO SLC WITH MEL-- who, disturbingly, LIKE TBAS, made my life effectively revolve around THEM. So I couldn't have "too much of "ME" getting in the way." Even more damaging was the FACT that BOTH Mel & Q CLAIMED to be "the ONLY ONES who KNEW THE "REAL ME,"" that I had "lost my spark" and "ONLY they could "help me" get it back," and that "my TRUE, "GOD-GIVEN" DESTINY was IN SLC," with them, NOT my family, AND that if I DIDN'T leave my roots behind & attach to them instead, "I WOULD REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE," AND I would allegedly be "REJECTING GOD'S PLAN FOR MY LIFE." I feel for it, tragically & entirely-- which made Mel's ultimate rejection of ME-- "I thought you were a good person; I guess I was wrong" / "I sacrificed myself to help you & you just spat in my face" / "I regret ever having met you" / "You are a black hole, devouring everyone around you & giving nothing back" / etc.-- all the more devastating, cruel AND bitterly ironic. BUT. That "bitterness" was because I BELIEVED THEM. Every word they said, good or bad, I took as fact. After that letter, almost 10 YEARS AGO this month (!!!), I literally tried to kill myself. Burn it all down, I decided, in total despair-- if MEL says that's WHO I AM, then that DEFINES me "by their authority," and I'm damned.
...And yet, hope refused to abandon me. Fahrenheit 451. Laurie saved my life, and somehow I kept going, until the TBAS deathtrap hit ~5 years later-- a tragedy of the EXACT SAME PATTERN: destroy, uproot, reprogram, reject, annihilate, etc. I threw out or gave away almost everything I owned. My family history had been brutally chopped out of my timeline. My sense of EXISTENCE was crushed to a bloody pulp. For years I was hollow. I threw what remained into religion, but without a real "self" TO worship WITH, even that ended up being far too shallow & Pharasaical. I stockpiled prayers & sacramentals, I went to church up to SEVENTEEN TIMES A WEEK, even moreso if I could drive fast enough in the mornings to chain FIVE MASSES into ONE WEEKDAY. I'm dead serious. I'd hit 7, 730, 8, 830, & 1130 services, never feeling "holy enough," never feeling "close enough" to God. I was starving spiritually, needing the Eucharist more than air, refusing to eat anything BUT that Bread of Angels. And yet, my disorders persisted. I'd ultimately give in to physical hunger and, despairing, would just binge & purge & pray for mercy & forgiveness & help, begging God for a swift, soon, & holy death, despite my wretchedness. I had no will to live. I only wanted God, but... I couldn't see that my ravenous spiritual hunger was ALSO a problem, an addiction, a disordered mutation of something good. I was STILL trying to be "religious" in the SAME way I was trying to be "thin"-- by destroying myself, and running away from all sense of unique identity. I was burying, numbing, & rejecting EVERYTHING that wasn't "pure" and "right," ultimately disowning LIFE in favor of death, wanting only to lose ALL "selfhood" in God, forever. There's just one problem I kept ignoring: God IS relationship, and you CAN'T be in a relationship at ALL if there's no "YOU" to love AND be loved WITH. In my desperate attempts to annihilate "ME" in favor of others, I had destroyed my very goal of self-sacrifice & symbiosis. In order to LOVE at ALL, "I" NEEDED TO ACTUALLY EXIST.
Hope cannot die, though, and neither could my REAL self, the SOUL that GOD HIMSELF uniquely fashioned & breathed into existence & anchored into BOTH my heart AND HIS-- when Jesus died for me, He died for a PERSON, a REAL PERSON that He KNEW and LOVED in their ENTIRETY and TRUTH-- seeing and embracing their scars and uniting them to His own, even as He joyfully proclaimed IN that very agony that humanity is NOT defined by failure, but by GRACE, freely & generously offered to ALL who met Him on that Cross of TOTAL, TRUE Self-giving-- a sacrifice of PURE LOVE, possibly ONLY BECAUSE HE LOVED US. If Jesus had refused to exist AS a unique Person in time, ABLE to enter into PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with each & all, ABLE to share intimately in our struggles & pains & tears, our joys & hopes & dreams, then... He couldn't have GIVEN His unique Personhood FOR us IN that same Love, BY & THROUGH that same relationship!! So I was doomed to both futility AND emptiness, starving despite all instinctive attempts to "fill the void," EVEN WITH GOD, because I did not & WOULD not let "MYSELF" exist as a unique individual that COULD love & BE loved. I had thrown out all my past in guilty hateful shame, not realizing that such a loveless, merciless, heartless act of destruction WAS not and COULD NOT be of GOD. Jesus never erased our pasts-- He ACCEPTED them as they were, FORGAVE them in the utmost compassion for our weaknesses & pain, AND IN DOING SO, by His Cross & Resurrection HE TRANSFORMED them, AND CONTINUES to do so, in EVERY MOMENT, if/ when we give our pasts TO Him-- ALL WITH LOVE!!! We CANNOT be forgiven OR redeemed IF WE DENY OUR TOTAL HUMANITY, painful past and all. And, again, we can't gave a past OR a present OR a future, UNLESS we ADMIT & ACCEPT OUR PERSONHOOD & CONTINUED EXISTENCE IN TIME. God made us individuals. God BECAME an individual for our sakes, out of pure Love!! God AND heaven, His very Kingdom, are ANCHORED IN LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & COMMUNITY & TOGETHERNESS-- on WHOLENESS, a unity of COOPERATION & HARMONY, NOT of faceless parts, or mindless pieces! The "hivemind" concept is SATANIC. In the devil's world of lies, "people" are stripped of individuality, seen as numbers or statistics or animals, cogs in a machine, pawns on a gameboard, disposable and of no difference. THAT'S ALL A LIE!!! GOD KNOWS OUR NAMES AND HE SPEAKS TO US AS A FRIEND, in all tender care & intimacy & LOVE!! We are HIS CREATIONS, HIS ART, HIS CHILDREN! WE MATTER TO GOD. I MATTER TO GOD!! HE CALLS ME BY MY NAME AND HE KNOWS ME. Me!! Not some hollow mask or empty shell-- He knows a PERSON, a person HE CREATED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
Honestly this is so clear & important to me today, and I cannot emphasize or elaborate on this enough. It's the key to my LIFE. It's the CORE of my ENTIRE recovery effort, or at least it MUST be, because recovery CANNOT HAPPEN if all the reading & obeying & writing & planning I'm doing is STILL neglecting the "I" that it's ALL MEANT TO HELP HEAL!!! Facts & figures MUST BE APPLIED to have any worth or effect. And honestly? IF I DON'T/ WON'T ACCEPT THE "I" OF RECOVERY, OUT OF FEAR OF BEING AN "I," THEN THE DISORDER WILL RETURN TO TAKE "MY" PLACE AS "SELF"!!!! THAT is why this disorder has been self-perpetuating for so long: it is fueled by REJECTION OF SELF! It IS the "INVADING/ VIOLATING" FORCE I FEARED, as it ONLY exists TO OVERRIDE "ME," BOTH OUTSIDE & INSIDE-- JUST LIKE THE SXTRAUMA IT EXPLODED FROM. Honestly it's so OBVIOUS and yet it has HIDDEN its ultimate motives for so long, ironically BECAUSE it was smothering "me"-- that way "I" COULDN'T REALIZE IT. It devoured all my time & money & attention, so I COULDN'T use them to "find myself again"-- couldn't write, couldn't paint, couldn't compose, couldn't dream. Just like SLC & CNC, I had enslaved myself to an outside "taskmaster" and lost ALL freedom of choice, in essence... a sick but surrendered alternative to facing the terror of my past, and somehow salvaging myself from it-- a past that ONLY WAS so terrible BECAUSE I had CONTINUALLY been crushing myself & "trying to become who OTHERS want/ tell me to be"... typically through objectification, shame, and loveless force. I let Julie ruin me because "I SHOULD want that" and "I SHOULD be like other people," although I WASN'T & COULDN'T BE!! GOD MADE ME DIFFERENT, but I never saw that as VALID; saying "NO" to outside shaping forces was met with punishment & rejection-- I "HAD" to be "NORMAL," even if "normal" was toxic. But you know what? I STILL FOUGHT. I treasured my "weirdness" during high school, cranking it up to extremes & socially isolating in order to distinguish & preserve MY self... but the older I got, and the more I was forced to interact with the world-- through jobs, college, and the internet-- the less of a grip I could maintain on that core, overwhelmed by the SURVIVAL NEED to perform. It had always been there, but in the end it virtually took over. That cemented the roots of the eating disorder, somehow, just as strongly as it created our Socials. AND YET I STILL FOUGHT! Look at the journals "I" used to keep-- look at the Scribblds, for heaven's sakes! It may have been desperate & shaky but I STILL HAD A GRIP ON WHO "I" WAS... and then came Mel. God knows why, but around 2009, when they entered my life's story, I fell to pieces. I cannot delve into that now-- I need to SET THAT ASIDE for now & focus on RECOVERY in the PRESENT; I cannot safely touch the past yet, not without restored nutritive mental health AND new solid coping skills, and NOT without re-reading the Archives (thank You GOD for never letting me delete them!!)-- but the main thing I need to remember from that is that, until 2009, I KNEW "ME" and GOD KNOWS, I STILL DO. Yeah, things DID fracture a LOT from 2004-2008, and there were a TON of Core shifts, BUT!! Deep down in my heart THE "CORE" of EVERY CORE STAYED THE SAME, and I KNEW it by instinct. I recognized me. I COULD distinguish "me" from a fragment or a splinter, no matter how broken "I" was even so. My heart stayed the same, and that COULD NOT change, OR be lost or forgotten or ruined, NO MATTER WHAT happened in our life. Deep down, I know who Jewel is. I know who I AM, when you get down to the blood of it... and so does God. He preserves and sustains and reminds me-- He holds my soul in His Heart and will never let it be lost. I must ALWAYS rest in that faithfulness, that eternal hope, when I do feel lost. But... it's not just God, Who knows me for sure, when I'm shattered & shaken. There are others, blessed beloved others, who KNOW ME, who have seen & felt my true heart SO strongly & clearly & sincerely, with SO MUCH LOVE, that they CANNOT forget it... they cannot forget me-- even when I do. They recognize me. They KNOW my name, AND my heart. God has put them in my life as extensions of His OWN gorgeous Love for me, as living manifestations of that devoted knowledge, yet HE PRESERVES THEIR SELVES, TOO!! They aren't "mere messengers"-- they are FREE INDIVIDUALS, who love me with their OWN hearts, which-- like mine-- have been ENABLED to love and BE in a relationship through grace, yet AS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SELVES. They know me BECAUSE of grace, the LOVE that CREATED me, the ULTIMATE knowledge of me, and I only know MYSELF by that same grace!! I am convinced of this. I need to remember this. If, and when, I EVER lose sight of myself, it's ONLY because I have LOST SIGHT OF THAT LOVE, both IN MY HEART and IN GOD'S HEART, FOR ME, ALWAYS & UNCONDITIONALLY.
...And that's what led me to even start writing this entry today. Yes, I've been lost & distanced from my past, disowning & rejecting my "self" in time AND in heart, for many months now. Yes, I've been feeling unlovable & incapable of love & AFRAID of love. In that state, I was DOOMED to the self-destruction of the eating disorder, AND inherently UNABLE TO remember-- OR even ACCEPT, let alone ADMIT-- the core of myself. Alone, I could never find it, not like that, with my closed heart...
...So. This morning, God sent someone to open it.
...I dreamed last night. The eating disorder destroyed my ability TO dream, and it's only returning now that I'm in recovery. (My boss will be so happy to see me again, too!!) I'm no longer having chronic "flat nightmares" and trauma flashbacks-- now, I'm dreaming of childhood, of color, of music, of adventure, of new places and new horizons; I'm singing, I'm flying, I'm able to use dream powers, I'm able to visit familiar dreamscapes... it's as if I've literally come back to life after death. Dreams are a KEY piece of my heart, an intrinsic & vital aspect of my entire existence. They are vivid, beautiful, complex, inspiring, deep, and REAL-- without a rich dreamlife, my waking life is hollow & half-dead. So this blissful return of such an ESSENTIAL and HUGE part of my life is nothing short of a miracle, and it is rekindling SO much hope & joy in my soul. That alone makes the fact of my dreaming at ALL into a source of deepest gratitude... but, this morning, I dreamed of someone. And suddenly, seeing them again, an even deeper, truer, more essential & blessed piece of my heart came back to life-- the core of my core, the key to ALL that I am, the defining aspect of ME, that burns as red as blood and white as light, indelibly, forever.
...I'm in love.
I'm in love.
God I FORGOT what this FEELS like, for SO LONG-- I even tried to DENY it!! I tried to insist it NEVER EVEN HAPPENED, tried to deny and disown EIGHTEEN SOLID YEARS of it, the SAME EIGHTEEN YEARS this damned eating disorder tried to claim as its own-- both it and the hellish abuse that triggered it. BUT I COULDN'T FORGET, not in my heart of hearts, not in the TRUTH of me, EVER. I was just blinded & numbed & disturbed & gutted & hollowed out for SO LONG that I couldn't remember. But he did. He KNEW me at the very beginning of it all, BEFORE I got lost, and he never lost me despite it all. Through every crisis, every disaster, every destruction I survived, he stayed true, unwavering, knowing me, seeing me always. My heart was so closely united to his that he couldn't forget what it felt like. And so, whenever I would, his mere existence testified to the truth, the bond between us that no brutalities could ever break. Tragically, if I was lost enough, taken over by despair and tangled up in disorder-- how ironic-- I would try to run from him. I'd even try to reject him-- to reject us. But I couldn't. My heart wouldn't tear itself so in half, even though I tried, pretending it wasn't a risk, too ashamed of my own sickness to be sincere. So I'd just hide, and push him away, and bury the light he inevitably began to reveal in me, even though I KNEW I didn't want to-- I, too, ultimately knew it was impossible. And I clung to hope. I held that spark anyway, unable to tear it out of my own hands and honestly unwilling to. But I digress. The point is... when, in the waking, I wouldn't let him get close for fear & shame... God would send him straight to my heart. God would send him to me in a dream. And... every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, miraculously & gorgeously breaking through EVERY doubt and EVERY wall, the moment I see him there, no matter HOW lost or damaged or confused I am, EVEN in the dream... my heart knows him. And I... I fall in love. All over again. Every time. And my heart opens up like the sky and I remember who I AM, too... with him.
...When I wake up, everything is different. When I woke up this morning, seafoam in my blood, riverwater on my lips, I felt alive for the first time in forever. My heart was alive, aching with love, blissful in the dark of the morning, blessed rain against the window. I drifted like a boat on the sea of serenity, in and out of dreams, and every time I would meet him again, just as much in love. When the day finally called me from sleep and into the waking, I was almost drunk with gratitude and ardor. How in the world did I ever live without remembering this-- without feeling my heart singing like this from the pure truth of what I now knew once more? I know LOVE again, and simultaneously, I KNOW WHO I AM because of it-- within it, for it. I cannot exist without Love. Nothing can, but... God keeps reminding me just HOW essential it is, especially to me, who has ALWAYS been defined by the heart.
So... that's what happened today, to say the least. God sent me my blue angel, to bring my soul back home to heaven. And by that grace, that is where I will stay.

THOUGHTS affect our BEHAVIORS & EMOTIONS. What we THINK affects how we act & feel.
BEHAVIORS affect our THOUGHTS & EMOTIONS. What we DO affects how we think & feel.
EMOTIONS affect our THOUGHTS & BEHAVIORS. What we FEEL affects what we think & do.

★ Thoughts = Cool tones? // Emotions = Warm tones? // Behaviors = Neutral tones?

★ THOUGHTS ARE NOT OBJECTIVELY FAULTLESS!! THEY CAN BE FALSE, TOXIC, DISTORTED, ETC.! THEY CAN ALSO BE ILLOGICAL!!
★ We don't seem to know many thought-based nousfoni??? LOOK FOR THEM! They're probably ANCIENT

★ EMOTIONS are INHERENTLY TIED TO THOUGHTS! As most nousfoni we deal with are EMOTION-ANCHORED, that means their ULTIMATE roots are THOUGHTS!!! That is a GAME CHANGER!!!
★ many Brown nousfoni fall under RED/ ORANGE and THAT'S why they are so volatile & emotional???

★ Besides achromes, do some "pastels" hold "behavior" functions, if this color theory is correct? Could THEY be beneficial SOCIALS???
★ "WISE MIND" nousfoni are FUSION HUES like PURPLE!!!


"If you let your negative thoughts go unchallenged, then you will begin to feel negative emotions."
+ THAT is why we MUST fill our thoughts with the Word of God!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THOUGHT RECORDS

(originally written in realtime, as far as possible.)

SITUATION / EVENT = What was going on? Where were you? Who was there?
THOUGHTS = What went through your mind? How much did you believe those thoughts (0-100)?
FEELINGS / EMOTIONS = What emotions did you experience? How intense was each emotion (0-100)?
BEHAVIOR = How did you act? What did you do?

(092122)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Writing about lunch experience mistakes in journal
+ Alone, at unit table

THOUGHTS =
+ "I keep making such foolish decisions without thinking" (100)
+ "Why am I so ruled by compulsion and emotions?" (90)
+ I feel like I'm inherently broken" (70)

EMOTIONS =
+ Shame (100)
+ Anger (50)
+ Despair (30)
+ Numb (20)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Mood started to drop
+ Feeling self-loathing


#2

SITUATION =
+ Blood pressure taken by Chris w/ beard
+ IMMEDIATELY after journaling

THOUGHTS =
+ "I hope I'm being socially proper/ nice/ friendly/ agreeable/ entertaining enough"
+ He seems OK with us; I guess I'm not that bad after all"

EMOTIONS =
+ Happy (50)
+ Dissociated (60)
+ Anxious (30)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Smile
+ Forgot about problems
+ "Social mode"


#3

SITUATION =
+ Chris left, bluntly, after getting our blood sugar
+ We tried to sound like we were "knowledgeable"; mimicking his speech

THOUGHTS =
+ "Why can't I keep my dumbass mouth shut" (100)
+ "Stop being so proud & a kissass" (100)
+ "I hate how I act around people" (100)

EMOTIONS =
+ Anger (70)
+ AWFUL SHAME & humiliation (100)
+ Self-loathing (90)
+ Fear of rejection & disdain/ judgment (90)
+ Self-harm thoughts (60)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Wanted to hide away & dissociate
+ Wanted to ignore world


#4

SITUATION =
+ dinner out on the unit
+ person SCREAMING psychotically in adjacent ward like our brother used to
+ at table alone, with nurse & two other patients across room

THOUGHTS =
+ "That sounds just like our brother"
+ "God help that poor person"
+ "I'm scared of what this is making me remember"
+ "I feel unsafe"
+ "They can't hurt me though; they don't even know I'm here"

EMOTIONS =
+ Terror (85)
+ Panic (50)
+ Pity (80)
+ Fear (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Tried not to focus on it
+ Deep breathing
+ Closed eyes
+ Reminding myself "they can't get in here, they can't get at me"
+ Tried to stay grounded


(092622)

#1

SITUATION =
+ got a fluid tracking sheet as I went over the limit once
+ sitting at table, doing solo work
+ staff member walked up and gave it unannounced

THOUGHTS =
+ "I just won't drink ANY water then"
+ "I can't forgive myself for being so stupid & arrogantly thinking "I'd be fine" with drinking all that water last week"
+ "They'll never forget this. I'll never be forgiven."
+ "I feel SO ashamed & condemned/ humiliated"

EMOTIONS =
+ SHAME (100)
+ Despair (90)
+ Self-loathing (100)
+ Anger (85)
+ Sadness; disappointed (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Withdrew into self
+ Hid paper
+ Terrified TO drink water
+ Gave up hope of improvement


#2

SITUATION =
+ Art/ music group
+ At table, alone
+ Staff & patients nearby in room

THOUGHTS =
+ "Oh no, they're playing MORE triggering songs"
+ "I CANNOT cope with this"
+ "I'll never be able to get over this; it's too unavoidable & intense"
+ "I'm so scared; I want to run & hide"
+ "Why am I SO strongly disturbed by SOUNDS & music?"

EMOTIONS =
+ ABSOLUTE PANIC (100)
+ Terror/ dread (100)
+ Hatred (90)
+ Rage/ violence (80)
+ Despair/ hopeless (100)
+ Existential panic (100)
+ Self-hatred (95)
+ Numbness (90)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Want to throw up
+ Want to scream & sob
+ Want to run away & hide
+ Want to break the guitar
+ Want to die so I can be safe/ free
+ Shaking & dissociating
+ Hate self for being like this
+ Trying not to meltdown
+ Writing this so I can dissociate a bit


#3

SITUATION =
+ asked for milk option; chose a BIG fear food
+ Alone at table
+ Staff member asking
+ Art group nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "I MUST stop being a coward & pick that fear food already"
+ "CHOCOLATE IS A SEX FOOD + TRAUMA"
+ "CHOCOLATE WILL KILL YOU + INFECT YOU"

EMOTIONS =
+ GUILT (100)
+ Self-hatred (1000)
+ Self-disgust (100)
+ Fear for life (90)
+ PANIC (100)
+ Despair (100)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Told myself I HAD to face it or it'd haunt me FOREVER as that "unconquered fear"
+ Almost died BUT I DRANK IT


(102122)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Asked for milk option; chose the EASY/ USUAL option
+ Alone at table
+ Staff member asking
+ Other patients just resting nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "I don't know if I can handle that challenge today; I'm a bit stressed"
+ "YOU COWARD"
+ "STOP CHICKENING OUT AND FACE YOUR FEARS"

EMOTIONS =
+ RAGE (100)
+ Shame (100)
+ Guilt (100)
+ Anxiety (100)
+ (all this together was bad enough to make me shake)

BEHAVIOR =
+ Sat there & shook with anxious fear & guilty shame-panic for a few minutes
+ Decided I couldn't cope with the guilt; got up, went to staff, & picked the chocolate milk


#2

SITUATION =
+ Talking to nutritionist; mealplan increased; could choose either an extra CS or Ensure at each meal. Chose Ensure, then changed mind & chose CS. REGRETTED THIS.
+ In room with nutritionist & student assistant

THOUGHTS =
+ "Ensure will add sugar to EVERY meal, AND I'm still afraid it's "poison" from past illness"
+ "BUT an extra CS feels like gluttony/ binges"
+ "YOU F*CKING COWARD!!!"
+ "STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUGAR!"

EMOTIONS =
+ ABSOLUTE WRATH (1000)
+ PANIC (100)
+ Regret (100)
+ Guilt (100)
+ Shame (100)
+ LEGIT BLINDING INTENSITY

BEHAVIOR =
+ Freaked out at table; couldn't calm down
+ Got up & went to room; SELF-ABUSED!!!
+ Too angry to even let myself cry; did try
+ Staff came in; I told them the problem
+ Decided to stick it out until Monday, then tell team


(102322)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Before bed, looked at body in bathroom mirror; noticed the stomach is getting rounder & abdomen is thicker/ wider
+ In bathroom by my room
+ Alone

THOUGHTS =
+ "TBAS's body looks like this"
+ "It looks so feminine now; it's disgusting; it's so foreign & wrong"
+ "I don't want to look like a woman"
+ "I'm scared; is this my life now?"
+ "I look JUST LIKE my abusers now"

EMOTIONS =
+ DISGUST (100)
+ FEAR (100)
+ DESPAIR (100)
+ numb (90)
+ shame (90)
+ anger (80)

BEHAVIOR =
+ So disturbed & frightened that I went numb & dissociated HARD
+ Couldn't pull myself together; nearly forgot how to brush teeth
+ Kept having flashbacks; gave in to despair
+ Went to bed, feeling hollow & hopeless


(102422)

#1

SITUATION =
+ Kelsey asked for lunch exchanges; chose the HARD milk option, BUT chose an "easy" CS instead of "too much dessert" OR the suspectedly "self-abusive" Doritos
+ Alone at table
+ Art group nearby

THOUGHTS =
+ "Doritos will just spike my panic right now"
+ "Am I doing the wrong/ cowardly thing by NOT choosing Doritos again?"
+ "Dad ALWAYS serves crisps with burgers; this is good loving practice for THAT"
+ "Is choosing the easier option going to make me a runaway coward again?"

EMOTIONS =
+ Confusion (80)
+ Anxiety (90)
+ Shame (70)
+ Worry (95)
+ Hope (80)
+ Frustration (80)
+ Struggling to ALLOW choices that AREN'T blatantly stressful

BEHAVIOR =
+ Asked for reassurance on choice
+ Explained the motives of my choice & doubts as to their validity if they weren't a "challenge"
+ DIDN'T BEAT MYSELF UP!
+ Didn't fall into a second-guessing spiral!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THOUGHT RECORD ASSESSMENT

Do you see any themes of patterns? Are there thoughts that appear many times?

LOTS of guilt/ shame, terror, rage, panic, humiliation, despair, self-hatred. OVERWHELM. Extreme emotional "yo-yo"-ing, catastrophizing, "perfectionistic" expectations-- things "only exist AS absolutes." Lack of self-integrity & stability; shutdown/ dissociation under stress. UNFORGIVING of own errors/ bad choices; "defining" self AS improper/ unwise decisions/ reactions.

How do I seem to see, or define myself?

Foolish, ignorant, helpless, "ruled by emotion," proud, "a kissass," "not nice enough," violent, manipulative, "socially unacceptable," "unwanted/ improper/ disgusting," constantly in danger, stupid, blind, uncaring, unforgivable, condemned, cowardly, hypocritical, cruel, selfish, "INHERENTLY BROKEN/ UNFIXABLE," BAD

How does this make me feel about myself?

Disgusted, hopeless, furious, HATEFUL. I have SO MANY OBJECTIVELY HARMFUL/ OFFENSIVE QUALITIES that WON'T GO AWAY, it seems IMPOSSIBLE to even TRY to "be good"; I'd just be a LIAR/ HYPOCRITE by "pretending NOT to be evil." I see myself as INHERENTLY, UNFIXABLY "BAD." And the worst part is I DON'T WANT TO BE, but I feel damned & stuck. It makes me suicidal on the worst days.

What assumptions might I have about other people & relationships?

Relationships can ONLY be "abusive" or toxic, BECAUSE OF ME. I ALWAYS damage/ abuse the other person until they hate me (rightfully) & cut off all contact. Relationships "only occur because you're trying to USE/ GET SOMETHING FROM the other person, by dishonestly "grooming" them to like you, blinding them to your corrupt motives & hidden cruel/ cold heart." OBJECTIFICATION!

How do these assumptions make me feel about other people & relationships?

Paradoxically, I WANT a relationship TO dote on someone & love them & live entirely for them, BUT THEY never want to meet that symbiotic yearning. They have "other interests" and I just become unwanted/ abusive from trying. I CANNOT "end a relationships" as I NEVER WANT TO so I get stuck even if they cast me off and/or neglect/ use me? I feel like a monster, bleeding them dry. BUT!!! I ALSO AVOID GENERAL SOCIAL INTERACTION because relationships are INHERENTLY INTIMATE & TOTAL; therefore ALL "casual interaction" is VIOLATION, abusive & terrifying & demanding ALL of me to be met with blithe emptiness. I LOSE MYSELF and CANNOT cope with the unrequited totality, OR the intensity OF giving it without intimacy? WHICH I STILL FEAR in those casual situations BECAUSE OF "ABSOLUTES"-- if they're NOT close NOW, then ALL "closeness" with them IS HOLLOW & FEELS LIKE RAPE.

How have your core beliefs & schemas influenced you (emotionally, physically, behaviorally, & socially)?

E= Chronic depression & rage; self-hatred; moral panic; no hope for real change; POLAR EXTREME emotional intensity
P= Isolating; want to "get rid of myself" (starving); self-abuse; wanting to be weak/ sedated/ "HARMLESS"
B= Perfectionistic people-pleasing; violently lashing out; try too hard OR give up; "good girl OR bad girl" (no middle ground)?
S= Avoiding all social interaction WHILE desperately WANTING to be superclose to people; either doting on or ignoring/ either adoring or resenting; "ALL OR NOTHING"

In what ways will you be more aware of your beliefs & schemas? What effect will this have?

Apparently, EVERYTHING is "black & white" for me. I need to learn HOW to see "gray" WITHOUT destroying my already-damaged moral compass.
★ I CANNOT "BE GOOD" IF I SEE MYSELF AS "IRREDEEMABLY BAD" & "UNFIXABLE; INHERENTLY BROKEN"-- and these two beliefs HAVE BEEN MADE UNTRUE BY THE DEATH OF CHRIST!!! His Cross CAN SAVE EVEN ME.

Identify some cognitive distortions in your thought record and list them.

- Only focusing on the bad
- Insisting that I, or something external, "must" or "should" be/ not be a certain way
- Assuming a catastrophic outcome (Negative consequence avalanches)
- Absolute self-judgments & condemnations
- Assuming I know how/ what others think
- Assuming that if I feel anxious I MUST be in trouble/ guilty
- Assuming that if I do/ don't do a certain action, a certain consequence WILL happen

What is the emotional affect these cognitive distortions have on you?

They make me MISERABLE! I feel incapable of doing well OR being good, causing despair/ self-hatred/ moral panic. I feel like I'm doomed to failure/ offense. I assume everyone is "secretly loathing me"? I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm paranoid, desperate, anxious, irritable, & cynical. I'm UNABLE TO "BE MYSELF" AT ALL! My emotions get STUCK in a negative tunnel-vision loop and eventually may numb out altogether, AND/OR EXPLODE.

How do these cognitive distortions affect your behavior?

I get VERY paranoid, rigid, & CONTROLLING, as well as perfectionistic? I try to "guess" EVERY possible threat, expectation, consequence, & obligation. I close out the world to avoid the constant stress. I dissociate & depersonalize, and resort to fawning & self-abuse. I avoid risks, I reject positivity, I procrastinate, I blameshift, etc. I'm a mess. I cannot think straight, and I CANNOT distinguish myself as a person! I'm a ball of nerves & rage & tears, and I CAN'T FUNCTION. (If I feel trapped/ threatened enough, I can ALSO give in to a blind reactive VIOLENCE.)

How do these cognitive distortions affect your sense of self?

It DESTROYS all sense of self, in truth-- I instead see "myself" as ONLY a conglomeration of "bad things," of sins & failures & offenses. I have NO "unique qualities," no goals or dreams, no hopes or interests-- the distortions turn me into a hollow "survival machine" seeing danger at every turn, yet "incapable of doing anything right." I feel DOOMED and therefore ALL "identity" is rejected & destroyed, except FOR anything destructive!! It's lethally ironic-- I BECOME" the distortions & disorder, once they "smother" everything of ME.

How do these cognitive distortions affect your relationships?

I can't maintain any, and WON'T make any. The distortions wrongly assume that EVERYONE is "abusive," in essence-- that they are constantly monitoring & judging my behavior, hate me/ are disgusted by me/ WILL punish or hurt me, etc. I assume that I CANNOT be a good influence to others, AND that others are "secretly out to take advantage of/ use/ destroy me"??? Thus assuming that ALL human contact will end in disaster/ abuse/ overwhelm, I avoid it completely. Relationships with family become strained & distant. Friendships implode.

Can you identify a strongly-held core belief of yours that may have influenced these distortions?

With relationships: "People only want me in order to use me"; "People only enter relationships/ talk to you in order to GET something from you." (Abuse/ Mom sourced)
In general: "I always mess up/ do things wrong"; "I am inherently a bad/ broken person"; "Trying to be my own person/ unique is WRONG/ SELFISH"; "I must always be useful"; "I must always be "appealing" to others"; "If I do one thing bad/wrong, it corrupts/ invalidates ALL the "good" I have ever done;" etc.

How will you be more aware of these distortions in the future? What impact will that have on your life?

First I MUST really look at those beliefs & find their roots! Then I can figure out WHY/HOW I developed those beliefs, ESPECIALLY under WHAT circumstances! Becoming aware of distortions AS distortions, in general, makes them easier to recognize. I must practice GENERATING & APPLYING healthy, positive, FACTUAL alternatives, REGULARLY, to diminish habits of distortion!

Did you learn anything about the way your brain works, or your style of thinking, from this process?

I CATASTROPHIZE A LOT!! I assume the "worst possible outcome." I ALSO beat myself up BRUTALLY, whenever I fail to meet my own perfectionist standards. I react based on emotionally-charged assumptions/ fears, instead of reasoning = I take my FEELINGS as facts, and they're typically VERY skewed, because I'm thinking of myself as inherently incompetent/ offensive/ helpless/ bad/ etc.

How can you remember to use CBT methods to challenge distorted thinking in everyday life?

LIVING AS OUR SYSTEM. We naturally "examine evidence" and "substitute" language; we use the "double standard" & "defining" methods in communication; we are brave enough TO "experiment," and being multiple ALWAYS involves us considering "cost-benefits"; "shades of gray," & "other possibilities," as well as "what-ifs." We're just learning how to "survey" outside!
In any case, though, regardless of applied methods, the infallible help is always PRAYER!!!!

What will get in the way of using these methods? How can you plan ahead to avoid these barriers?

GETTING SOLO-STUCK "DOWNSTAIRS." The BEST way to prevent/ break this is to KEEP UP REGULAR COMMUNICATION, so that it FINALLY becomes our DEFAULT again!! STILL, we ALSO NEED to find/ use TANGIBLE REMINDERS to "ping/ call" helpful people in tough situations. Regularly reviewing/ healing memories & mindsets is also vital, OUTSIDE of stressful times!

How does the new way of thinking, after challenging the old way, affect your emotions & behaviors?

IT STABILIZES our emotions, helps us control behavior, and generally restores our sense of selfhood. We're open & curious, ABLE to consider the bigger picture AND be compassionate with ourself. Negative emotions are SPOKEN TO AS PEOPLE, respected & heard & comforted, balancing their pain with hope WITHOUT rejecting their VALID REALITY! THEY are the keys to true & total healing; we MUST understand & work with them!

How does this new way of thinking impact your sense of self?

It ALLOWS us to exist AS THE FULL SPECTRUM, acknowledging ALL hues & opening doors of communication for them, giving us the opportunity to UNDERSTAND, COMMUNICATE, CONNECT, SYMPATHIZE, AND EMPATHIZE. By tuning into our TOTAL self & embracing ALL OF US, we CAN exist "outside" as well; the Socials are no longer tragically isolated & suppressed/ unhealthy!!

How would this new way of thinking influence your relationships?

By being open to such communication, understanding, & compassion, we CAN have healthy relationships in general, as we become empowered to face difficulties AND conquer/ assuage/ respect fears while honoring the needs of ALL involved! Treating ourself kindly, & thinking in a healthy manner, will also ENABLE us to be just as sincerely kind & compassionate to others, and to behave in a mutually healthy way-- no more toxic enabling!

What would life be like if you were able to consistently challenge your distorted thinking?

It would be so refreshing. We'd finally be "in control" of our thought processes, ABLE to CHOOSE how to respond, NOT REACT, in a sensible & beneficial & healthy way. We'd no longer be "enslaved" to negative assumptions & distortions. Our overall mindset will be brighter, clear, and full of hope & compassion. We will be more in touch with reality, AND our own beliefs/ thoughts! We will have a broader, wiser perspective. We will THRIVE.


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CORE BELIEFS & AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS

+ IRONICALLY, listing our automatic negative thoughts is a GREAT way to "lure out" COMPASSION as it "externalizes" them? Hides self-applicability. Reading them triggers instinctive consolatory/ merciful responses, NOT agreement!!! START THERE to build genuinely balanced core beliefs; THAT'S already proof of ROOTS!!
+ A negative core belief ALSO invalidates positive thoughts; seeks its OWN "evidence" AGAINST them, as to why they're not REALLY positive. e.g. "Knowing all that trivia IS stupid," etc. Like a BULLY. Pushes you around & mocks you baselessly. CRUEL & RUDE.
+ Negative beliefs ignore all contradicting evidence and that is a demonic DENIAL OF TRUTH!!

+ Everyone has their own "distorted lenses" through which they see the world, and so everyone sees their own "realities"-- BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM TRUE!!!
CHRIST IS TRUTH AND GUESS WHAT.
HE LOVES ALL OF US UNCONDITIONALLY.
THAT'S REALITY, DESPITE OUR FAILURES.
WE'RE ALL LOVED AND THERE IS HOPE & HEALING FOR EVEN THE MOST BROKEN.


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my soul has been corrupted here.

I realized it tonight. we were thinking of how much we missed going to church, going to eucharistic adoration, singing in the choir… and that STUPID BRAINLESS SOCIAL MODE THAT WAS BUILT FOR NC started thinking "no, no I don’t miss that" SHUT UP YOU NEVER EXPERIENCED IT YOU SELFISH WITCH

I hate this romance junk. I hate this relationship thing except I don’t and we really do care for OV but I'm sorry I just CANT STAND THIS SIMPERING ACT HE DOES SOMETIMES "are you okay" "I love you" "come be close to me" what the heck this is the SAME BLOODY THING Q DID they were both wonderful good people but we painted ugly ugly lying false pictures of them because we HATED this touchy feely hell and they did nothing wrong. they did nothing wrong.

my family
we miss our family so agonizingly much oh dear god we miss them so much
BUT OV thinks THEY'RE evil too because we've LIED. we've LIED and said horrible untrue toxic whiny cruel things about them for months and I am so gut-wrenchingly sorry I deserve to do all the penance in the world for this and I WANT TO.

I want to move back home. I want to move back in with my grandma and my mom and my brothers and I miss my dad and I miss grandpa, oh dear god he died, he's GONE, while I was out here in this NIGHTMARISH NORTH CAROLINA HELLHOLE what the heck am I even doing with my life, with our life, oh god, oh god I want to go home

I'm so sad it's making me sick. this is every single night now. every single night. every night

ten days. ten days left, just about. then we can finally go home. and we can start over, and we can be good, and we can be with family, and we can rest and sleep and relax and live and be happy WITHOUT this boy breathing down our neck because he loves us but we CAN'T DO A SINGLE THING WITHOUT HIM AND IT'S DRIVING US INSANE.
I just want to be alone again. alone with the family. alone in the house. alone and doing productive hands-on community service things but RESTING WHEN WE WANT and not having to be shackled to some "relationship" that's too close, too suffocating, to controlling, I can't stand this anymore

I want to go home and we're going home no matter what it takes but right now we just have to decide whether or not we're staying.
we have to go through our things. which clothes we want to keep. which papers we want to keep. everything else, we leave here.
I want to live out of a suitcase but I have too many stupid attachments to material things like books and plushies and I want to sob because I HATE THIS I want to just… go home, go home forever, I don't want to come back here, I don't want to do this anymore

I'm so tired. what do we do. what do we do.

we have to be there for grandma. until she dies. however long she stays with us I swear we WILL BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT. nothing matters more than her. that's the bottom line.

I want to stay for the snow, for christmas. god help me I am NOT going back into that subtropical hellscape when I could have cold weather and frost and heaven on earth. never again. never again, no heartless north carolina excuses for winters.

I'm tired
he's back inside I have to go
god I hate this so much I'm sorry

see you soon mom
thanks for never giving up on us
we love you. I swear.
we're coming home.

I need to type.

I have been so miserable lately. It's stupid.
I know I need to trust in God with this but the problem is, all my problems are MY FAULT. It's all self-abusive idiocy and I know God doesn't want me treating myself this way and why do I always become this 'personality' when I type

There are parts of my consciousness that are locked into negative or otherwise harmful thought patterns, and she is one of them. She's the one that wrote most of the old Livejournal stuff, back in the late 2000s or so, and possibly later (I don't remember). She has that upsetting "proud" edge that hurts to even think about.


What needs to be said:
Lately, we have been miserable and exhausted.
We're tired. We're struggling with food but only because we keep doubting when God tells us "don't buy coconut," "don't buy oats," etc. because we keep falsely and foolishly thinking "but I'm supposed to eat it" for unknown reasons. As of late we have realized that those thought processes are obligatory and we do NOT agree with them; they simply feel "forced" and the parts of our mind like Jessica/Cecelia, Jezebel, etc. just give in and become enslaved.
The real issue is that we're just… scared? Tired, to the point of uncontrollable weeping whenever we get a free minute.
Food is war. Every time we have to eat, it's war. It shouldn't be. We're just so frightened of food, and of eating in general, that the very thought of it makes us start to cry and shake, BUT when we do eat, the abusive-proud-blasphemous girls take over and start to swallow everything in sight. That's probably why we're terrified; we still haven't figured out how to stay conscious when eating, enough to let Emmett out again, enough to actually treat food as a caretaking function and not as an abuse method.

We're so tired, though, all the time. No amount of sleep is enough. We have no free time lately. Most of that is because of the eating disorder, but the other half is that we still ironically feel that "we're not suffering enough" so we push until we break. I use "we" very loosely here, as "we" haven't been conscious in weeks either. It's all the anxious teenage girls who are both hyperreligious and convinced that God hates them and they will never be good.

We had like 60 tabs open to religious articles open in Chrome again, and then we wonder why we're mentally exhausted and start running from our faith. It feels suffocating, all logic and noise, and really all we want to do is turn everything off and PRAY in a way that doesn't feel like hell, but again we feel obligated to spend 4+ hours every night shoving reams of text into our already addled brains. Yes, it's good to have this information, but where's the quiet time to FEEL God's presence?
We're terrified of saying no to the reading. We're terrified that if we don't spend every free second reading the Bible or stockpiling saint quotes or struggling through a Rosary that we can "never say well enough," tormented by voices the whole time, that we're unforgivably evil-- a blasphemer, someone who rejects God, a soul damned to hell.

We live in constant shaking fear and maybe that's where the crying comes from too.
"Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness," Jesus said, and I still think that's at the heart of our eating disorder. We're starved for God, we have been since 2012, we're STILL mentally-temporally stuck in that summer, and we still feel like we're starving to death from a lack of God, even with mass every day and hours of religious reading and prayers every moment of the day we can manage. Even with near-constant communication with voices that claim to be God and Mary and the saints, even when we carry a rosary and crucifix and Miraculous Medal and small Bible everywhere, even then, even now, we're starving, and we're exhausted, and I just want to collapse on the floor and weep for hours and clear my head and just rest, but I can't. That's blasphemous. I have to suffer more, is the fearful reaction. "I have to suffer more, I'm not allowed comfort or relief, I have to pray until I pass out, I can never stop, I can never rest until I am dead, and even then it's only by God's judgment that I may get to heaven."
Deep down, it's frightening to realize that our "core human self" doesn't believe she will ever, ever get to heaven. Deep down she SOLIDLY believes that she is such sheer pure evil, that nothing will ever redeem her, that she cannot be virtuous, that she cannot overcome her sins because she IS a sinner by her very definition, and that no matter how she cries and begs and panics and prays, at the end of the day, she believes that God will abandon her to her sinfulness and she will go to hell forever and heaven will rejoice in the "loving, just decision to damn her for all eternity."
That's why we can't recover yet. THAT girl holds all the mental power in this. She's the one that keeps fronting, and keeps messing up, and keeps refusing to NOT mess up, because she cannot fathom being anything but a moral failure.

…

I miss existing.
I miss the days when we COULD go into headspace, without that girl hurriedly yanking the steering wheel away from us, saying that "anything that isn't God is blasphemy."
In her eyes, everything but constant hysteric prayer and studying is blasphemy. We're not allowed to laugh, or draw, or write music, or go outside and walk through the woods, or sleep, or love ANYTHING, because "it's not God, therefore it is evil and you will go to hell for it."
And that disturbs me, because if she cannot see God in anything BUT pure undiluted religion, what does she think the created universe is? Hell? I know we live in a damaged, lost world, but… I'm afraid too, I'll admit it. I'm so terribly afraid that by daring to suggest that all of it isn't evil, I'm committing heresy.
I want to say that, deep down, I still love Infinitii. I still love Chaos 0, somewhere way buried where I can't feel it anymore. I still want us to type, I still want us to compose music. I still think it's beautiful to go out and look at the stars at night, or the flowers during the day. But no, this girl will get a glimpse of it, then close her eyes and start praying fervently, afraid that by appreciating nature she will "become a pagan," and that it is "worshipping the creation and not the Creator." She will not (cannot?) love anything but God, but she can't love God either, not genuinely, not when she's ruled by fear, and cannot even comprehend that God could exist in created things, even if only as breath or reflection.
I don't know. Like I said, I'm scared too.
I'm scared because she says my very existence is heretical and she stomps me out whenever she sees me.

I'm in love, okay? I adore people in headspace, I love life, but I love That which created it all more than it all, of course. She doesn't understand that. She says loving anything but God is blasphemous and will "lead you away from heaven into hell." She says that ALL human relationships are sinful as a result.

I'm so exhausted. This can't be how a Christian is supposed to live, is it?
Why are we so miserable? Are we not praying enough? SHOULD we join a convent like she wants to, pray for 12+ hours a day, never seeing the outside world again? Would we feel peace at heart then? Would we finally feel like God was close enough to sense? Or is wanting that blasphemous too?

Is wanting to take a day off from constant religious study blasphemous? Is it a sin?
If I want to take ONE DAY to actually sleep, and then write some music, or maybe read, is that sinful? Will Jesus weep because I am not dedicating every waking moment to Him? But who said I wasn't???? If I am CONSTANTLY TRYING to live rightly, and to further God's plan in my actions, promoting virtues like honesty and humility and compassion and gentleness, am I ignoring God? I don't think so.
But… I'm scared. I'm so tired, and I'm so scared.
I'm also FURIOUS because this same girl keeps giving in to eating disorders, to wasting all our money on food that she will debate with God for hours every day over, "is this right," "I want to eat it, is it a sin," "if I cannot eat it what do I do," and then eventually giving in to bullshit and buying garbage that WE ALL KNOW IS GARBAGE but she won't listen to us because "we're not God," well she won't listen to God either in those situations because He's telling her "stop treating yourself like garbage" but she believes she is garbage and she's so tired and frazzled and self-loathing that her free will is shot and she just gives in to every screaming caustic temptation that gets shoved down her throat, even if she is literally weeping from fear, repeating constantly that she "doesn't want to do it," even as she does it. It's slavery to sin, and I don't know why she won't stop, I don't know why she thinks letting US drive, we who try to act on love, is such a horrific sin.

…

You see why we haven't updated lately. This is hell, as far as I'm concerned. This girl cannot feel God and she keeps weeping, she keeps abusing herself, we were in the E.R. for 6 bloody hours yesterday with 6 preceding hours slumped over the kitchen table in awful disorienting pain and fatigue while we waited for the doctors to call us back. And she still isn't fazed. She still went home and VOMITED, then refused to sleep until 2AM.
God, what do we do here????
You know I love You, even if I show it differently than her, but I am so terrified that if I go back to the largely bookless way of living we used to do, I'll go to hell.
I want to read the Bible like I do, I don't ever want to give that up. I want to keep praying, I want to read these saintly quotes and things, but the only difference is that God, my brain is exhausted and I'm too frightened to ask for a rest. There's so much reading, so much studying, so much recitation of prayers, and no introspection. With this girl, for the past several months, there has been nonstop busywork and NO ACTUAL INTERNAL PRESENCE. God, how are we supposed to grow in virtue as a child of Yours if we're being forbidden from self-examination and actual spiritual corrective work? If she won't let us exist on the inside, how are we supposed to untangle our bad habits and addictions and forced vices? How are we supposed to grow in virtue and love, how are we supposed to BE if she refuses to let ANY of us exist as people?
…
I don't get the constant "Jesus dialogue" that she does and that is scary, to not have the constant speech in my head in light of hers… but… what's even scarier is that so many times, she hears so many voices, and if she asks an alleged Mary or Jesus or saint if they love and adore and serve the One True God… they won't reply. They can't. And then I realize that they're not good voices at all.
…
Every single bad voice and demon she has ever heard runs away immediately when Laurie shows up. It never fails.
…what does that mean, in light of everything lately?
If headspace holds more love than the floating voices, if Laurie is willing to give me better and more helpful advice than any alleged angel that "Jess" (?) hears, if Infinitii's very presence can remind me of the presence and reality and love of God more than several hours of studying ever can or will, what does that mean?
…
That girl, the one who is so hyperreligious, cannot feel love or joy. I don't know why. I don't know how in the world that's even possible when she proclaims such dedication to God, and always looks to Him, and praises Him incessantly, but even then her smiles and exultations are at the edge of hysteria, all the obligatory "I mean this somehow but I don't understand or feel any of it" actions of someone who hates themselves so bitterly that loving anything is an alien concept, even when they want to, even when they know they should.

I'm so tired. We're getting bodyaches and the "ice breath" feeling that usually means we are severely lacking in sleep, so even if she is literally screaming in panic right now, I think we should go to bed instead of staying up and reading holy things for another 3 hours.
Is that a sin? Honestly, is it? Is it a sin to want to live as a prayer rather than refusing to live in order to pray? Where does one draw the line?
She does nothing but recite memorized prayers over and over and if I may be honest, even though I'm scared, I don't like to. Yes, they work, but they can become hollow and rushed too easily. If I cannot get the true sentiment into the words after 5+ tries, I am more likely to say an improvised OR wordless prayer instead, because what I really want to do is get that INTENTION up to God, regardless of the words it's packaged in. Is that wrong? Is that pride? I just want to show my honor and gratitude and love and praise for everything we have in a way that actually expresses it. Is it a sin if that doesn't always fit into an Our Father?
The "angry angel" voices scare me so much. They hover around our head, glaring at me, hissing "yes, it IS a sin, and you'll go straight to hell for it," reaching out to shake me brutally by the shoulders or shove me down onto the floor, claiming that "we were sent to glorify Christ by damning you" and "heaven will rejoice when you are sent to hell" and similar frightening things.
…
And they, too, disappear immediately when someone from headspace shows up.
It's because the people from headspace appear with love. Those "angels" don't.

Don't growl and hiss and condemn me. Stop screaming. God is Love, and if you cannot show love towards me, ("You don't deserve it," they shout through clenched teeth) then I'm going to seriously question your true allegiance.

I'm going to bed. I'm going to say night prayers as always but if I may be so daring I want to try to say them a little more "from the heart," less by-the-book, along with the memorized ones Jessica is actually in hysteric tears insisting I pray instead "or else."

She's so scared, and so sad, all the time. Is that a Christian's way of life? When they say the saints have to suffer, is that what they mean?

I have so much more to say about this, but we really should be in bed by 11pm. (Jessica says no, that's selfish, it's "luxury," she insists we should sleep as little as possible "as penance" but really the constant fatigue is not helping us be a better person. "It should," she says; "maybe increasing our suffering will teach us to be more humble and less selfish." Jess have you looked at your mood lately? You're so tired it's making you irritable and self-abusive. But she's so scared of feeling healthy, she's so legitimately terrified of NOT being sick, because she equates illness and weakness with holiness, that she will actively sabotage EVERY effort to make us function better. …No wonder she won't listen to God when He tells her to be kinder to herself. She doesn't believe that God could ask such a thing.)


We really, really need to try and clear our head tonight. Tomorrow is Sunday (which we hope is still the legitimate Sabbath; we've been getting so many conflicting sources over which weekend day it is but the Marian apparitions say Sunday so) which means it HAS to be a day of prayer no matter what, but it's also a day of family dinners and noise and our mom coming over with both, so it's terribly exhausting and we NEED to be able to stay conscious during that or we're going to fall into an automated unconscious cesspit of fatigued frustrated vice and self-abuse.
It's so ironic that the religious voices forbid headspace, when headspace is the only thing that has ever BEEN able to act in constant integrity even in those stressful situations.

I'll see you again soon; I promise I will try. There's a lot to discuss. Love you all.