prismaticbleed | feb 21 2016

I haven't been able to really exist lately.
Factors are:
1) not sleeping.
2) not eating.
3) stress.
so all that bundled together is, physically, making our brain incapable of functioning properly.
It's almost hilarious in an awful way. I never thought the physical life would be hindering our progress, ever. Our biggest wars and nastiest enemies were always inside. Now it's outside, and we haven't quite learned how to even touch that yet, our weapons don't work, it's… exhausting.

I'm scared and sad and more tired than anything.

I don't get a day off until next Tuesday.
Weekends stopped being "relaxing" when the brother moved back in. "I" spent the past 48 hours abuse-bingeing and vomiting until I couldn't see or breathe. It's been hell.
It's… vomiting is still the most cathartic thing possible. Right now things are just so damn upsetting that emptying the entire contents of our stomach is, literally, the only way "I" feel relief. It's sick, and it's wrenching, but it's true, and THAT'S the worst bit.

Bought a few Celebi cards yesterday, including our eternal favorite, at last. We got $30 from selling some stuff and as far as we were concerned at the time, digital cash is digital cash, and so it's spendable on stuff that lasts, instead of bloody food.
And, despite that awful hate-fueled destructive paroxysm of 2012, deep down we still love Celebi about as much as we love Chaos 0. Like looking at her just makes our heart burn with love, it really does. She's beloved to us.
She's also absolutely aro/ace, no surprise, but have we mentioned? Like even the concept of being in a "relationship" gives her major squick vibes. It's cute in a way. Being a Legendary she's naturally uninhibited and limitless and then being tied to time, she's just absolutely unfetterable… so, understandably, she doesn't want to be "caught" in ANY sense. You can be her partner, sure, but that's as far as it goes.
Anyway. Thank God for her. She's trying so hard to help the downstairs-level girls who are stuck in survival mode AND in the past (not one of them thinks it's later than 2009), and she's incredibly successful. We just have to KEEP HER SAFE and active on that front.
Which is partly where the cards come in. Part love, part wonder (have you ever really LOOKED at a holofoil Pokemon card? seriously good lord they are stunning), and part motivation. It's a tangible reminder of someone we love, some splinter of heaven, some massive glimpse of hope, of "this is what I want to live for," of "this is what I want to be worthy of."
Undertale crashed and burned horrifically, but Pokemon never will, because it has safe roots and it was so profoundly ours growing up, untouched by fandom or community or even the media source itself, ironically. Celebi will perpetually be a source of hope for us.

Speaking of hope. Lately our brain has been trying desperately to rewind to 1999-2002 or so. The safest, most gorgeous period of life. Before hacks, before relationships.

Falling asleep last night, we had a sort of heartspace imagination-event thing with Hoopa, Celebi, and Diancie? So that was really cool. That sort of imaginative hugeness defined who we were internally in our early teen years, and it's arguably the only reason we still existed. So I'm glad it can still happen.

…

Starting tomorrow, we NEED to fix our diet PERMANENTLY.
Our body is basically forcing our hand. The poor thing is outright rejecting a lot of foods now, and is craving fruit a lot, which is new and kind of scary as fruit still hurts but. We're willing to take it slow. Apparently there are "safer" fruits than others for people with dietary issues so we'll give that a shot.
Anyway. We're still vegan, but we NEED to ELIMINATE GRAINS FROM OUR DIET ENTIRELY because they cause instant horrific pain and nausea and such. No exceptions. So they're out! THANK GOD.

Someone once told us that hope was a vice. Years ago. Since then, we've struggled to exist.

Tonight, we have hope, for a physical future. That's new. That's gilded, and it's terrifying, and it's loud and clear like a steeple bell and it's HOPE but it's terrifying.
We'll hold on to it.

Hope is a blessed thing. Hope is a fiery thing. Hope is sun always behind the clouds.

(left unfinished)