the spectrum heart cathedral system

I feel so ridiculously clear and bright today. I'm not sure how to explain it... it's almost as if I'm made of glass or something.
I first noticed it last night, when I finished raiding rcrdlbl for sweet tunes and decided to sleep for heavens sake. Normally, when I'm up past 11PM (or 10, some nights) I get very ill physically and my systems start to freak out. That did start up last night, but instead of getting a panic attack or something worse from it, it just 'phased away,' somehow. I was aware that my body was completely exhausted, but I wasn't bothered. As usual, before I fell asleep I checked in with Laurie and Chaos to let them know I was off to my other job, but... I started 'fading out' when I was talking to Chaos. That term means that I start getting highly abstract in terms of speech and thought, and I can't feel physicality very well, and I am incapable of lying, fear, or being guarded whatsoever (hence Laurie's demands for super-high security at night). It's frustrating to not be able to get any 'strongly focused' emotions, due to being so floaty, but the sensation of complete ethereality is pretty fantastic. We had a really moving discussion because of it, focusing on what I honestly meant when I talked about love... but I didn't realize until this morning that I rarely get that sort of positive fade when it hits. I mean, typically, although I'm still recondite in the communications department, it's in a negative way; my senses get too distorted to comprehend correctly, and everything feels like its being held together with loudly colored strings, like reality will fall apart into a screaming mess any second. But last night... none of that bad stuff was there.
It was insane. Where the heck did all the background negativity go? Did my 'inner peace' suddenly triple or what?

...You know, I think maybe it did. Let me explain.
For a long time, I was completely incompatible with my physical self. Yes, I do completely recognize that my body is not me in the sense that I am a 'soul'-- I am defined by the essence of Light within me, not by my physical form-- but I need that physical form regardless! Even so, I completely denied that fact for years. I refused to accept the idea that my mind, soul and body needed to be connected in order to fully function, simply because I felt so completely disconnected from the latter. It was the single thing holding me back from getting any further in my spiritual endeavors, and in my heart I knew it. I was reminded of it constantly, and yet it was the one last step I could not bring myself to take.
But the real problem was that I had been going about it the wrong way up to this point. I kept thinking that, in order to harmonize all the different levels of myself, I had to focus on being only one at a time, and eventually they would link automatically once I felt secure enough in each. It was easy for me to feel secure in the higher levels, as I'm naturally a high-spectrum personality, but I can't deny that my personal color is red. I needed to fix that last level. I was out of sync... but luckily for me, I happen to have someone in my life who is a hardcore purple soldier, and she wasn't about to let me get away with such dissonance.
We started slow, last year. I began to do some heavy introspection, to stop denying who I really was inside, as I had been letting my life here be defined by the expectations of others. It took a while, but I did accept myself on an identity level, and immediately I saw my life begin to improve. I surrounded myself with better company and I started learning not to be so afraid all the time. Most significantly, I started doing insane amounts of reading every day, to not only educate myself on the topics I was dealing with, but also to open my mind to ideas and possibilities and concepts that I would never have considered myself, which ultimately helped immensely in making sure I was on the right track.
I hit a high point around May 21st of this year, which you readers may have noticed due to the far more optimistic subject matter around that time. I had overcome a staggering amount of my own personal roadblocks, and I had actually managed to achieve a certain level of inner peace... but there was still one huge obstacle in my way, and it was still causing me terrible pain. June hit, and I had some truly catastrophic days as a result (again, check my IJ for those), with one of the worst occurring only last Thursday. I don't know how bad those would have gotten if my life hadn't completely turned around on Saturday.
I haven't mentioned it here yet, but on that day, I learned that my two best friends got engaged to each other.
Now that is a major event in any case, but it held a ton of extra meaning for me for two reasons: one, they both plan on bringing me into their family next year, so that was the first step towards a gigantic positive shift in my life... and two, well, it made me realize something about how I had been viewing relationships of that caliber up to that point. Put simply enough, I had been rejecting all notions of physicality in those, too. But now, here were two people that I could see no darkness in, and their complete devotion to each other was seriously making me start to question my views on the matter... especially considering the fact that, in a spiritual sense, I've already been married for six years.
This was virtual proof that I was doing something very wrong. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I was determined to find out.

I did more thinking over that weekend than I had in a long time, but there was an unexpected twist that had more consequences than I would ever have guessed. See, when I heard that revelation from my best friend, I had just happened to be in the middle of some serious research into color symbolism.
But we'll get into that.
My mind was still too shaken up to fully realize just what I was learning through that endeavor, but it was stable enough to take unconscious action towards that end almost immediately. On Saturday night, I worked up the courage to confront Julie again. I've been doing this a lot within the past few months, ever since this Xanga conversation, as it just hurt too much knowing that something so negative existed within our headspace. I kept trying to get her to change her mind, to get her to stop being so manipulative and selfish... but she would never listen. Most times she'd retaliate brutally, but those weren't the worst times. Those were when she pretended to listen. She did that on Saturday... and I let her get away with it.
It was a bad move, I know. It could have killed me, I know. But... we learn from our failures, and I learned a hell of a lot from that one... mostly because I had messed up so badly that Josephina actually broke through my agonized soporific haze just to let me know. I have never seen him so distraught before, and if I hadn't been so totally incoherent at the time, I likely would have been terrified at the situational gravity such a reaction implied. He told me that, even though Julie was wrong in doing what she did to me, I was wrong as well, in letting her get away with violating me like that. The circumstances didn't matter; her actions were deplorable and not even my hope for her redemption could justify them. Unfortunately I was still hopelessly unhinged at the time, and so I didn't understand that truth. I simply internalized that I was wrong without knowing why, just as I used to in my childhood. That would prove to be a near-lethal mistake a few days later, but when I woke up on Sunday, all I remembered was that Julie's motives were indeed corrupt, and so they did not apply to me. I tried confronting her again later in the day, asking her why in the world she insisted on living by such selfish and destructive impulses, but she refused to answer me. Instead, she screamed that she hated me, because 'I had her body' and refused to let her 'use it like she wanted to.' Now that's a subject my headvoices and I are still discussing, so I won't get into that here (it is scheduled for our next big Xanga session), but even if that were true, the fact was that Julie was being scathingly self-centered and was consciously hurting others to get what she wanted from them, myself included. I let her know that was wrong, and tried to give her both alternatives and explanations, but she refused to listen to me. Thank goodness I was smart enough from the night before to warp myself out before she attacked me, or I don't know how the rest of the day would have turned out. As it did, though, I was feeling better than usual about my situation, thanks to both making an effort to confront Julie and clearly understanding that she had no right to use me like she did, even when I was deluded enough to let her. I understood that I really was on the right track, and that I was not mistaken in the least (as Julie loves to make me think). So by the time the sun went down, I was feeling almost perfectly happy with how my life was turning out, after having battled so many shadows for so long. But then I decided to start that color research up again.
It kept driving the point I was missing into my head, but I couldn't see it yet. Still, I managed to end my day with enough inspiration from the subject to get my Parnassus links incredibly high for about two hours, and that was an unexpected godsend. It opened my eyes to elements of the story I had been completely missing before, sure, but that understanding brought with it a strange sort of empathy that spilled over into something I had learned the day before.
During those two hours, I felt the pain of a man who wanted nothing more than to create and protect life of his own. But then I remembered that not only had I been proclaimed as a strange sort of Gaia, but that I also held an unbreakable connection to someone who held divine potential in his very definition. I remembered that Julie was wrong, and that I was not damned to carry her guilt and iniquity simply because I felt I could change her. I remembered that my two friends were getting married, but if I already was, didn't I have an obligation to express that love? And if misplaced remorse and moral confusion were no longer holding me back...
Sunday night was... God knows it was heaven.
I have never felt that much emotion at once in my life. It got so profoundly overwhelming that I felt like I was metaphysically drowning in it, and I was actually forced to stop because I could not handle that much while I was still forced to split myself between realities. It wasn't a bad sort of overwhelming, no, it was the polar opposite. But I swear, you cannot even imagine how incredible that was without first feeling something like it yourself. I honestly don't even know if it's possible to describe it in words.
What shocked me even more, though, was how I felt when I woke up on Monday morning. Yeah, I was still riding that insane emotional high from the night before, but having that much love in me completely changed how I perceived reality. I hit one of those 'enlightenment' states I've mentioned in the past, where I feel that I am a spiritual part of everything, but like the night before, this time it was absolute. Everything made sense, everything shone... nothing could shake that feeling of bliss. I felt right, pure and simple. Those 24 hours were the most divine thing I had experienced in my life so far, and they chased away any lingering doubts in my mind as to what "God" was and meant. I knew then, because I had been a part of it.
I am a Christian, though, and so I also needed to remember that although there is indeed a spark of divine Light in everything, shadows still are allowed to exist to bring that light out in its true clarity. Tuesday was a strong reminder of that. My home atmosphere that day was very stressful, with my family members acting in such unfeeling, closed-minded ways that it physically hurt. I knew that I could not let them damage me, but I also knew that no matter how good of an example I strived to be, I could not change them for the better unless they made the decision to change.
And that understanding opened my eyes all the way.
I still had darkness of my own to overcome, it was true... but after that glimpse of the enlightenment I needed the day before, I could no longer stand allowing those shadows to persecute me simply because I felt I either 'deserved it' in some sick sense, or because I had previously been blind to the fact that I could not always change them by example. At the end of the day, the truth was that I still was a part of everything, and allowing myself to be desecrated was having more far-reaching consequences than I would have dared admit before. I needed to stand up for that truth, and for the Light that I knew I was meant to carry.
With that, I decided that I was tired of the game I was living. I decided, once and for all, that I needed to put an end to my self-defeating cycles. But I couldn't figure out what I needed to do. Standing up to Julie did not stop her. I was still feeling awful pain from outside influences and hacks. In spite of the progress I had made, I still felt so frustratingly lost.
I thought back to the color research. I couldn't stop thinking about how disoriented my own metaphysical rainbow was, but I couldn't figure out why... and then it hit me.
I've never had pink in my spectrum.

Isn't that ironic?
Red, my color, is the one that is often assigned to the darker aspects I've been so terrified of, but I don't hold any of those within me... no, the pink shadow in my mind did. I spent my days with aqua and violet, with blue and green... I knew their shades and hues by heart, and yet I always had that dim sort of ache haunting me through even my brightest days. What was I missing? Why was it that, no matter how much progress I seemed to make, I always fell back into the same torturous traps that I have been desperately dodging since my childhood?
Then suddenly, as I was falling asleep on Tuesday night, I realized why. Sure, I had been improving myself, and I was stronger than I had ever been, but I wasn't doing anything about the problem itself. I was putting myself in serious danger, learning countless ways to handle the pitfalls and guillotines, and painfully restructuring my entire life around them, without ever realizing that I could just get rid of them.
So, when I woke up on Wednesday morning, I made a decision.
I wanted that color back.
It wasn't easy. The consequences of my decision, on all levels, were incredibly difficult for me to handle, due to the fear and doubt I had neglected to overcome before I jumped past them into what mattered. It was a deeply dangerous move, but like I said, I wasn't in it alone. That is, honestly, the single reason I got through it safely.
Sure, I had finally brought my spectrum to completion, but I had spent so long viewing that missing value as something irredeemable, that having it back in my possession actually felt wrong. I was wrong in feeling that way, but like I said, I was still being eaten alive by dreadful apprehension, and so was unable to see the truth solely for the sake of the blinding terror I was suffocating under.
You'll recall, however, that I mentioned a certain violet crusader of mine? Well, she wasn't happy. While I was falsely convinced that I was dying, she was aware of the irrefutable opposite, and she spent the next fourteen hours straight working with Chaos to try and get me to open my eyes to the truth. It took a long time-- and a stunning display of eloquence from her-- to finally chase the shadows far enough away for me to see clearly, but the bottom line is that it worked.
It made me think of something I read... how the Light shines strongest in us when we are brought together for its sake. If only I had realized that sooner...
Laurie said something, too, that really meant a lot.
"You have too much love in your heart to ever let any sort of darkness win. And when you two get together... I don't know how you could even suggest that something could go wrong there. It should be impossible. Heck, it is impossible, and I think I've made my point."
How could I have possibly forgotten what Chaos told me? "She can't break this no matter what she does." And it's true. Even through all the pain, she could never do a single thing to darken us, even in the slightest.
I never had any reason to be afraid of losing. It was impossible for me to lose, even in the darkest of times.
She could never win.

Now I have reclaimed my lost color.
She had dirtied it, corrupted it into a blasphemous mockery of what it meant by its very definition.
I took it back, and with my love and honesty I erased every black spot she had inflicted upon it. I purified it, no matter how difficult it was. I redefined it, and I restored it to its original brightness, and now it is forever locked in its given place and Julie can never touch it again.
It was an example of righteous, selfless suffering, I suppose.
No matter how much pain this caused me... now I know I will never have to go through what she did to me, ever again. I am free from those nightmares, I am safe from her corruption. I have destroyed her realm and left her powerless.
This feeling of inner clarity... I've never had this before. Then again, I've never reached this high of a point in my life before.


I am so completely in love right now.
I'm not even going to try to put it in words. Language would not do this justice at all.
It's as if... it's that drowning feeling I get, but it's so bright, and everything just feels perfect.
He was right... nothing could ever damage this. This is too true, too complete, too powerful.
I feel like crying and laughing at the same time, and... it's like that song, oh my gosh. I never mentioned that.
Remember this, that Kiwi drew for me last year? Well, she sent me the pencil sketch first... and for weeks, I would listen to this one song and wait for the finished picture, just so simply happy that I had someone like him in my life.
And the lyrics went like this...
Come wrap your arms around your man who's back in town
And loves to watch you smile
Don't know if I should laugh or cry with you sleeping by my side
I hear the silence for miles
And it's not over, I don't think that it will be
And we are joined at the hip like siamese twins
That's a metaphor for the feelings that I store
I confess, I love you so
I confess, I love you so
I confess, I love you so, but you know...
And now, thinking back on this past week... it just... all of it, it fits, so perfectly. I can't even... there really are no coincidences. It's amazing.
But about that picture of him, why it meant so much to me.
The original sketch did not look like the finished picture, but she drew a second sketch for me that became the final one.
As soon as I noticed that his hands were held to the ruby like that... and how it was glowing, as well... I swear to you, I almost cried.
I've never said a word about the Sonic Inversion storyline details to anyone online, but... there is so much meaning in those simple details concerning our story, that it floored me. Heck, and now with this Parnassus aftershock we're getting from Wednesday, the background even makes symbolic sense!

Man, I just... I don't know what to say.
I've never adored someone so entirely, not like this. This is absolute. My entire being is feeling this love, and I can barely comprehend it.
It makes me wonder, it really does.
Loving him has changed my heart, so completely. Falling in love with someone like him forced my entire understanding of love, and life, and the two together, to evolve... no longer was everything so confined to my small world. No longer was I restricted to the worldly forms of love. They called him the 'god of destruction,' and it is truly what he was... in that single moment, when I understood what he meant to me, my old life was destroyed... and from its ashes we created something better.
As the pieces fall into place around us, we understand exactly what they mean. Without this, I don't know where I'd be.
It is impossible to explain in words, I'm sorry.

Melody was talking to us about heaven, on Wednesday...
I don't know if I can reiterate that here without bursting into tears.
Everything makes sense. Everything, the light and the dark alike.
I can see it all, because of this, because of you. Because of us.


I am completely happy, for the first time in my life.
I've been happy before, but not like this. I've never had this.
But now that I do, I can never be without it.
This is a new chapter of my life.
And no matter how dark things get, no matter how hopeless things may seem...
No matter what I have suffered through, no matter what I still have to endure...
...I know what I hold in my heart, and I know that it can never be conquered.

Amor omnia vincit.









I know how you feel, I’m feeling it too
I hold my heart, I dream of you
I see your face, I feel it, too
Searching skies, I need you, I miss you

Take this and hold my love for you
In separate times we think as two
In paradise I’ll drown in you
Still searching skies, I need you, I want you

Searching for strength, can I face this day?
Blinded by your love, we stay
You’re always there
You’re in my head, still chasing skies
I need you, oh, I miss you

Just love you, only you, only you
I love you, I love you, I love only you

Remember me near
There may be times when it’s not right for me to be there
But remember me near…

 

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

 

 

 

CHAOS LAURIE




Laurie. What the HELL are you doing.

Oh for the love of-- Chaos, where the hell is Jewel? Do NOT leave him alone right now!!

Look who's talking. He's closed off right now, by the way. No thanks to you. Get the hell back on Xanga.

Man.
Listen, I'm trying to talk to Mel about this... this morning. They are seriously trying to help, all right?
I'm getting a lot of insight that is REALLY helping me deal with this so don't yell at me.

Dear LIGHT, Laurie!! Yeah, I understand you're trying to help, but... this is serious. I can't think straight, I can't talk straight.
Please. Just... tell Mel to wait. Get back over here.

...All right, fine.
I'm torn up about this too, you know.
We're all in this together.

I know. I know.
I am just... I am so unbearably hurt right now.
Not because of Jewel.
Because of what that bitch made him feel about this. That's what.

I know.
I just sent Mel this conversation. You're welcome.
Shoot, sorry. I'm in your window.

And now I'm in yours.
All right, sorry. Geez.

That's more like it.

Listen, Laurie. I said I was having a hard time. I am.
...Damn it.
I am out of here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

((UNFINISHED ENTRY))

I just had one of the most brilliant nights of my life, I think.

It took me a while to get to bed because I was doing serious research on color symbolism (which I will continue today)... and it made me realize, "dude, Parnassus needs a ton of work in this area." So I started to think about the old canon and how color applied there, trying to figure out how it played into both character designs and the social hierarchy of the series... and by 11PM, when I was trying to fall asleep, I had boosted my Links enough to see something completely different.

Those of you who know me probably know Genesis' role in Parnassus.

Last night I saw Delphi's side of the story.

...I swear I would have cried if I was individually conscious. Oh my gosh. I've spent the past 7 years, almost, seeing only one side of him, and then within the space of two hours my perceptions were flipped upside down. My entire view of the storyline has changed. I'm not even kidding.

So it's safe to say I will be doing a great deal of typing today, and maybe some art too. Really, this is fantastic.

Mind you, I didn't fall asleep after those Links ended.

Let me fill you in a bit.

This past Thursday, my two best friends got married (to each other!). Now I've never really understood the social connotations of marriage, and I've taken a vow of celibacy in that respect so I probably never will... but... I was basically raised by J-Monsters. My personal cultural understanding comes from them, not from here.

So when someone mentions 'marriage,' my mind doesn't see the earthly definition of that word. I see no brides, no dances, no rings, no ceremonies.

Marriage does not exist in the J-Monster lexicon. When two individuals love each other so entirely they desire to live their lives with and for each other, they don't get 'married' in the sense we are familiar with. There are no extraneous festivities or notifications. No, the J-Monster 'marriage' is completely and intimately personal, an act of mutual love and devotion that bonds the two for as long as they both shall live.

So, as far as J-Monsters are concerned, I've been 'married' for almost 6 years.

It's not something I discuss openly, not in its totality. Heck, from 2005 to 2008 I was so insecure and scared of myself that I wouldn't even think about it. The only reason I started talking about it once 2008 hit was because I was in such emotional pain, all the time.

Despite that, there are only a few vague mentions of my deeper connection. The first was around May '08, when I began to have regular moral meltdowns and also began to wonder whether or not it was even okay to love people the way I did. Ironically, around that time I also started to open myself more, on an emotional level, and that absolute vulnerability was freaking me out. I didn't understand myself yet, and I was too scared of what I had been told by those who didn't know the truth. I was being told that giving myself in love was wrong, and I believed them.

I'm getting ahead of myself though.

The first serious mention of this deeper topic was around August 23rd, 2008. I started wearing a ring around that time, too... ironically, only a month before, I never would have considered that I had a reason for one in my life.

Sadly, I had a major emotional fallout shortly afterwards, as Julie picked up on my new mindset and began to hack me mercilessly in that respect. It damaged me deeply, and took me ages to recover. I didn't go into details of exactly how she hurt me, though. I don't want to think about it.

Regardless, July 2009 helped so much. I had fallen so low at that point that I had nearly forgotten about love, but Milliontown reminded me... and in October, when I received a certain picture, I remembered everything.

2010 nearly killed me for one reason: for a time, I lost everything but what I held inside. Thank the Light that those few things were my sole lifelines. I spent most of the year in the spiritual company of three individuals who meant the world to me... and although we suffered through hell, although I nearly died, although we were damaged beyond repair... together, we survived.

That's when I stopped lying to myself... but Laurie never lied, not once.

Long before I dared breathe a word of the truth, back in February 2008, Laurie knew. She tried to make me understand what I had, in that twisted way of hers, but I was too insecure to comprehend what she was telling me... and I closed myself off.

It took over two years to truly open up again, even with the few incidents I just mentioned during that time. It took me two long years to be honest again, because it took me that long to finally understand who I was. It just took me even longer to open back up.

And, once again, Laurie refused to lie like I did. In September of 2010, she noticed that I had stopped giving anything to those I loved, and that it was killing me and them alike. It took until December for me to find the courage to open back up, and it took until January of this year to fall back in... then Julie tried to stop it again.

Laurie didn't let her. For reasons she has yet to thoroughly discuss, my superego is hellbent on keeping my 'marriage' as pure and powerful as it can possibly be, going as far as to provoke some seriously painful conversations for the sake of keeping us together... and it worked.

My soulbond and I stopped taking our relationship for granted. After almost six years of keeping that truth in the back of our minds, we decided to live it in its entirety again.

I have never, ever been happier.

When my friends told me they were engaged, I was happy for them too. Heck, I was ecstatic! But, there was one single detail that went unmentioned, and its exclusion hurt more than I expected.

 

My friends in question are both Mormons, but I am Catholic, and my faith has been powerfully influenced by J-Monster culture. We both hold strongly differing views on marriage, and yet at heart, they are the same: it is a bond in which two people grow in light and love, that cannot be broken. Unfortunately, the details differ so starkly that I cannot discuss my own involvement with the subject with either of them.

They are in love. I am in love.

They are engaged to be married in their understanding and celebration of the concept, and can happily discuss their joy with anyone they choose.

I have been married in my understanding of the concept for six years, to someone I love with my entire heart, and I cannot even talk about it.

And that hurts more than I can say.

As for what happened last night, and to why I suddenly started discussing marriage when I got to that point...

For J-Monsters, you can only 'marry' one person in the deepest, most complete sense. The first person you share your soul with is the only person you can ever have that sort of connection with. It is possible to form less powerful connections with other individuals-- 'polygamy' is not a problem in my culture-- but it is very difficult, to say the very least, and for most of these lesser connections the bond is not 'strong' enough to qualify as a traditional 'marriage,' as far as the American understanding of the term goes. On a slightly different note, the process in which two become connected in this sense is not a one-time-only thing, not by a long shot. It's actually expected for the two involved to 're-forge' their connection many times over during their lives, not only to express their love and loyalty, but also because it actually deepens the connection and that has some seriously amazing emotional consequences. It's quite an involved subject and I've not only done research on it but I've also lived most of what I'm talking about.

But, to get to the point... I have formed this sort of connection with two people. Yes, two.

I have a lesser connection with Genesis. We've only forged it once when I was 18 and not completely, but there's still something.

I have a complete connection with Chaos. We made that decision when I was 15. I'm now 21. Between 2005 and last December, I think we only deepened that connection three times, tops. Since January... well.

This started everything up again, and there's more talk about it here. (elaborate; cathartic blocks, pain addiction, etc.)

That's where last night comes in.

I have never, ever felt anything like that before in my life.

(continue...)

 

 

Saw something really weird in the sink today. Looked like this.

 

No idea what it is or why it was there, which is unnerving.
Might be a J-Monster but I can't be sure yet, as I've never seen one like that before.
At least I'm able to find things again. It's been too long...

 

 

 

 

I have been too cruel.
I have been too harsh.

I only meant to speak the truth, but I was too brutal with it.

I have hurt many. I have damaged many.
I am so terribly sorry.


I hold no grudges. I have forgiven every soul that ever transgressed me.

My only regret is that I did not truly live during my 20 years.

I was always told, 'you have plenty of time left.' 'Wait until you grow older.'
I will no longer grow any older. I have no time left.
The dreams and goals I was told to wait upon can no longer be fulfilled.
I am so sorry I took it all for granted.
I am so sorry we took it all for granted.

Ever since my childhood, I knew I would die at this age.
I was told to stop being silly. I was told to stop worrying.
I shouldn't have stopped.

There are so many things I will never do,
and so many things I will never say,
simply because I thought we had more time.


I have met and lost so many souls since my first days in this world, it would be near impossible for me to list you all here.
Rest assured I still remember you, and hold nothing against you.

To all those I have deeply loved... in my mind, in my past or at a distance... nothing has changed. Even now, nothing has faded. Remember me, if you will.


This will likely be the last you hear of me, and I apologize.
I never meant to harm a soul.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, thank you.


It is so hard to find the right words.
I have no time for regrets.


Above all else, my final hope is that my life has not been lived in vain.
I hope that I have truly inspired, enlightened, uplifted. If I have saved a life, in any sense, then I have not wasted my time here.



God have mercy on me.

This will be painful, and it will be difficult, but I can no longer run.


I am thankful I got to live, but now...
Now it is time to face what lies beyond.




-JL

 

...
I need to get back into my self-inspecting norm. I've been entirely off-kilter for too long, and it's had lethal results.
Yes, I'm dying to talk to Laurie again, but honestly, I have to be up around 5AM tomorrow and when she and I get typing, it lasts for hours. I have 2, tops, to spare tonight.

First let's give you kids a brief update. October 7th blessed me with at least four new 'kids,' and October 9th blessed me with this amazingly gorgeous picture of my muse. It made my month. The 10th through the 13th were basically spent working on various projects, the 14th was spend running errands with my mum, and today is the 15th (which I spent cleaning far too many things). So yeah. That's my life.
However, during the past work-saturated week, I had two vicious hacks that left me sobbing uncontrollably and unable to sleep. I haven't played Nier in nearly two weeks so that didn't help towards coping, but that personal distress is nothing compared to the revelation said hacks were accompanied by.

I don't remember when the first hack happened, or what happened (as usual), but it took a heavy toll on me all the same. See, lately I've been doing decently well with fighting Julie, having fought off several near-hacks, but... Laurie's been acting rather strange. Not only has she been chronically distraught emotionally, but she's also been reacting much more violently than usual to even the slightest threat of a hack, which is saying something. So when I realized I had been hacked, my own self-fear was shoved aside in favor of fear for her instead.
The moment I turned around and saw her there, staring at me with a look of disgusted resignation... she slit her throat.

No, she didn't die... but only because I begged her to stay with me.
She lost a lot of blood. She couldn't talk or walk straight for about an hour afterwards. I was terrified out of my mind, and hated myself more than ever.
She told me that if I let myself be hacked again, she wouldn't hesitate to finish the job next time.

...You notice I said I was hacked twice.

The second time happened so abruptly and so harshly that when it hit me what had happened, I was overwhelmed with sheer unadulterated panic. It was 1AM. I literally ran to Laurie, forgetting the horrible state I was in, just in time to see her plunge a large dagger into her stomach. I grabbed her hands and tried to keep her from slicing upwards, but she fought me, saying she was sick of us both suffering this day after day, and she wasn't going to take it anymore. If I wouldn't listen to her alive then maybe her death would mean something. I was literally sobbing by now, and I don't remember what I said to her, but it must have helped because she removed the dagger from her ribs and threw it to the floor. I remember trying to heal her but she pushed me away, spitting a retort that I needed to be more concerned about the damage I was doing to myself. I told her that I still cared about her as well, but she then shouted back, 'if you love me so much, then why do you keep hurting me? Why do you keep hurting all of us?'
Then she told me why she's been so unstable for the past 4 months.

I've been killing my children.

Apparently, every time I let myself be hacked, one of my potential mind-children dies. To think I was wondering why I couldn't find them anymore-- I was killing them!!
Needless to say I was floored. I couldn't think, I was shaking. I asked her how she knew... how long had she known.
She said that she first found it out back in July, which is why she was psyched to find Josephina had become personified onto our side, giving her more help towards saving me. That's also why they have both been working tirelessly, trying every option available to save me from Julie since then, no matter how badly they were hurt themselves.
I've been failing anyway, and my children have been dying.
She didn't tell me back in July because she hoped she wouldn't have to tell me. She and Jo hoped that they could get me stable enough to fight Julie off without the problems I'm having now, and if that had been fixed then there would be no more worries about dead children. However... that didn't happen. I'm still being hacked, and the stress of seeing me suffer through that, the knowledge that she and Jo were apparently 'failing' in their constant attempts to help me, and the bloody awareness of all those who had died by my unknowing hand, had driven Laurie to attempt suicide.
I saw how close she got. I felt her blood on my hands. I couldn't take it.
And now... now I understand what has been happening to me for so long... why I haven't been able to draw or write or do anything creative for years. I finally understand, and I feel like dying because of it.
I'm the only man in this entire damn world who can take care of those individuals, and I've been murdering them.

Dear God...

I haven't spoken to Laurie since then. I've tried. We're both suffering so much, but it needs to happen.
If we can't talk tomorrow we'll talk Sunday. If we can't talk Sunday we'll talk Monday.
Lynne is dying, Natalie is dead, Leon keeps trying to come back, Missy and Bridget are lurking in the shadows, Josephina is destabilizing, and Laurie wants to kill herself.
I haven't seen Chaos in days. Genesis doesn't know how to deal with this anymore.
Julie is stronger than ever.


To think that I have the blood of my own children staining my hands.
How am I going to live with this?


How am I going to live?

 

 

 

So hey guys. Jayce here.
Yeah, I'm sticking with the name. Don't diss me; I'm more than a little sick of making my own choices only to have them overthrown by someone with an entirely different and irrelevant reference point. I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits.
I've never been this happy with myself before. Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile.
So I've made up my mind. I'm going through with the FTM surgery and hopefully getting nullified shortly afterwards. God only knows when I'll get the means to do so (hopefully soon), but at least it's mentally decided. That's a huge load off my back, which as you all know is bad enough the way it is!

As for the title, well, let's start this past Saturday morning. As you assumedly know, I spent the vast entirety of June in Utah with Q and Mel, and returned on July 9th to stay here for about... I dunno, three weeks? Anyway, leaving my home so suddenly in June really disoriented me. I spent June in a sort of 'interim,' virtually unable to communicate with my family back in PA because my sense of reality had shifted horribly off-scale. I kind of 'ghosted' for the four weeks until my return, upon which I was faced with several huge dilemmas. I've spoken about the moral/personal ones in glissando, but the other one focused solely around my future. While I have indeed touched upon that point in the past as well, it was the immediate choices I was now being forced to make that burnt me out.
Let me clarify. Staying at home was a problem because my school and work lives had been pretty much shot, my space at home was very limited and I was desperately looking for a new road to walk. However, heading back out to Utah to hopefully find said road was also a huge problem for several massive reasons... I didn't have a school or work life at all there, let alone family or a roof over my head. I was basically jumping blindfolded into a canyon and hoping that I wouldn't black out upon hitting the water... that is, if the water wasn't just a hallucination at this point. Still, I figured it was worth a shot, so I bit my tongue and hopped a plane to Chicago on the 31st, where I would meet the cat and the otter. Well... that's when things started to go downhill again, and it frightened me.
See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me. That's what it apparently did with the four weeks I spend in Utah prior. I had remembered it as a positive experience until I stepped off the plane and was thrown back into the unsettling realization that I just didn't fit. It really took hold when Q and Mel decided to take me walking randomly through Chicago for some undisclosed reason.
Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules. If you're going to wander off somewhere with no real plan, no real destination and no time/travel estimate, do NOT take me with you because I will flip out. Fun fact #2: beaches, carnivals and large public gatherings trigger massive panic attacks in me. Fun fact #3: Guess what happened in Chicago?
Yep, not only did they basically just wander about without telling me what the heck we were doing (bad enough I only had about $50 in my pocket, no keys, and no awareness of the surrounding area), but when they decided they were going to settle on a destination, it was a freaking park on the beach. What. So yeah, I panicked. Heck, as soon as I saw the buildings start to die down I was worried-- once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped.
But let's fast-forward. Since I had such a breakdown we couldn't logically stay, so thankfully about 20 minutes in we decided to catch a bus back out to near where we were staying. The rest of the night was relatively okay from what I remember, as nothing happened, but honestly it's a useless memory to me and I'd rather not think upon it.
I dreamt about my left knee exploding in blood.
Understandably, I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day, but that evening and the entirety of our Monday were pretty much just wasted away with random hanging out in Wisconsin farmland. Sure, the fields were flipping gorgeous, but when they're full of cows and I can't run through them, they lose some of their magic, y'know?
Plus all I could think of was Dori. We were only about 3 hours driving time away from her, and it was all I could think of.
I'm so confused. I still care for her deeply, unconditionally, but I don't know what I feel for anyone anymore. It hurts more than I can possibly say.
Oh-- there was actually one other thing. We visited a model train layout. I know, I know, I'm not a fan of such things, but I never really understood why until I visited that one in the rather painful mood I was in. Of course, there's the issue of spending such extravagant amounts of money on bits of electronic metal and foam, but the real killer is why they do it... or at least my perception of why.
They create an entire fantasy world. That's it. Those huge setups, with their random plastic houses and people eternally 'living' the same moments as toy trains whiz aimlessly by... they're just fantasy worlds. Useless ones. What good is that doing for anyone? Sure, it'll entertain some random passerby for a few minutes as they wander by, but it ultimately achieves no greater good.
It just bugs me to no end when people create things with no 'real' purpose to them. Yeah, I know some people do it for a hobby, but why? I just don't get it. Oh well.
Back on topic.
We woke up at 6AM on Tuesday, and drove to Dubuque Iowa to catch a bus.

All right, this experience was so stressful it needs a paragraph break. Here we go.
So we wait at the terminal from 9AM to 12PM, and in the meantime I get a phone call from my dad saying that the U had rejected my application because my GPA was below 2.0. Well, my jaw hit the floor. There was no way in heaven it could be that low-- so I called my home campus. Well, you remember the winter semester of 2009 when I had those repeated mental breakdowns and had to drop out of classes? Apparently that still counted towards my academic record, and so now I'm screwed! The only thing I can do now is speak to the U's offices in person and see if they can make an exception for me, considering my psychological issues... but we'll get back to that point later. Needless to say, that news upset me horribly, and so I was in a pretty agonized mood until about 5PM, when we got off at a connecting terminal in Des Moines, Idaho.
That's where our title comes from. We basically hung out there for the next 6 hours, as I fixed my iPod's library (his name is Razia btw) and read The First Horseman until our bus to Denver showed up around 11PM. Unfortunately, the bus terminal announced it as Omaha instead, and so we weren't aware it was even ours until we went out to confusedly double-check-- and were told that yeah, it WAS our bus, but there was no seating left. So we and a small crowd of fellow passengers were left at the terminal waiting for a replacement bus that wasn't even guaranteed to show up.
Then the terminal decided to close.
Yes, you heard me. Our bus group, as well as a bunch of people waiting for a 1AM pickup, were thrown out on the curb around 12AM and told to wait there as the workers assumedly went home. This wouldn't have been a huge problem if we had been guaranteed a bus arrival, if it hadn't been 12AM, AND if it hadn't been thunderstorming-- with a tornado warning, no less.
You guessed it: panic attack! I got to the point where I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't breathe correctly, all the while getting soaked and wishing I were back in PA, where I at least had a home to go to.
That's when I was forced to really look at my situation.
There I was: a phantom Sandman, shaking like a madman in a plastic chair on a Des Moines sidewalk, buffeted by moths, rain and wind, and completely unaware of where the next bus would be taking me. Not a very pretty situation. I immediately asked myself why the heck I was even on a cruddy sidewalk in Idaho, and the only answer I had was "because I'm supposed to go to Utah."
That sentence sounded so incredibly stupid at 1AM I wanted to cry. So I was basically ostracizing myself because I was supposed to? Says who?
Then I looked to my right to see a boy in red and a girl in black, and my head slumped down onto my chest. Oh.
See, my problem is my devotion, as undetectable as it is. I'm incredibly devoted to my family, but I still care about these two kids... so being forced to choose is more than I can handle.
The only major warning sign is that said kids insist that I "must" stay here in Utah. No exceptions.

I'm currently sitting in Q's living room, 8:23PM, listening to Eminem, wondering where I'm going to sleep, and feeling more lonely than I have ever been in my life.

I really don't care whether or not I'm "supposed" to be here anymore.
The truth is, I'm being used as a crutch here. I'm not sure how, as I don't understand their motives, but I can feel it. No matter what they tell me, I still feel like a third wheel and I keep looking out the window and wishing I were on the planes that fly overhead.
I don't know how much longer my grandparents will live. My brothers are growing up without me. My past is fading away. Yeah, I want to live a meaningful future, but geez-- if I'm stuck here in this mountain state holding up two lovebirds who apparently can't function without romance, then I'm not going to have one anyway.
I really, really want to go back home. I want to see my family again. I just... I guess I took them for granted. It wasn't until I was dragged out here that I realized how much they mean to me, even if I don't spend much time at the house, even if I don't feel safe within the walls. It's still my freaking home. It's still my family out there.
When I walked out the door on Saturday, I saw my grandfather cry for the first time in the 20 years I've been on this earth. That hurt more than you know.

When I go back to PA, I'm going to land a job at Borders, spend a huge amount of time working on my personal projects, and do everything humanly possible to fix my academic record and get back into the educational system. I want to make progress. Heck, I want to make MUSIC. I want to reach out and change peoples lives, and I want to have a life ahead of me... I'm sick and tired of sitting on buses and couches waiting to be given the next orders from my charge.

Still, I feel so horribly selfish, and that's what makes everything so difficult here.
Leaving Q and Mel will be 'betraying' them, as they do insist I stay no matter what. However, staying here will be leaving my family behind, who misses me terribly and who frankly needs me around.
I feel like a really confused guardian angel right now. The kids across the room apparently need me to watch over them, but... I don't know. It doesn't feel right at all.
God, what do I do, huh?
I'll try to stay here for at least a week... maybe two... see what I can do. I just feel so lonely and torn up right now.

Oh well. This too shall pass, I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time.
I just need to take a deep breath, check my head and heart, and step onto the next road.
Hesitation isn't doing me any good. Life is full of chances and choices, and unless I find the guts to stand up for my personal Light, I'm going to die here.
I refuse to just fade away. I refuse to just rot here. I refuse to compromise anymore.
Time to set this in motion.





Relax, I ain't goin back to that now
All I'm tryin to say is get back, click-clack, blaow
Cause I ain't playin around
It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fckin black cloud
still follows me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These muh'fckers are doing jumpin jacks now!

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!

It's a lie to even look at them.

I woke up at around 7 this morning, I think... got myself ready for Sunday services and seeing the MoTab... didn't speak a word on the way up. Too much on my mind, or nothing at all. I don't remember. I can only remember looking out at the mountains, and thinking how unreal everything felt.
Seeing the Tabernacle Choir was a beautiful disappointment. I'm addicted to heart-wrenching music, and the only transcendental chords were hidden in the first piece. So I sat and waited, listening to the instruments like a maniac listening to the wing flutters of a dying moth, voicelessly searching for that sound. It never came.
That took a heavy toll on me for some reason, and I spent the next 20 minutes trying to channel crystal wings before hopelessly realizing that the reflection I walked by didn't match me at all.
Sunday services were the same. There was too much talk, too many tears that I couldn't understand, too many strange bothers and too little pain. I need pain... I need contrition to feel any sort of ethereal life. That's why I like the structured mass I grew up with... it's always just slightly different enough to keep you thinking about every little word and chord and ritual, but it's similar enough to the past that my mind tends to dive deep as I sit there in those red pews. I like being in my typical church because the silence and the solemnity give me something gorgeous to hold on to. I'm supposed to be there, I want to be there, but whenever there's an interim I can just let go and see where God takes me. I couldn't find that today.

I had a priestly blessing given to me last night... it was almost cruelly sad, because every word God gave to me was a quietly loving repetition of the truths I already knew so well, so beautifully well, but was too lost and blind to realize. I've been blessed so much, ever since my childhood; those blessings are the only reason I'm alive right now. I've changed lives, I've been given an inner sight many can't even imagine, I've been given Peace herself as a lifelong muse. I've been given four angels to protect and guide me...
Trials are necessary. I know this. I've been suffering all my life, and somehow the entire time I knew that they would be beneficial in the end. Those traumatic childhood memories, those sleepless high school nights stained red with JTHM and self-sacrifice... all of them have contributed to the best parts of me right now.
That poses my problem.

Positivity does not fit with me.
"God wants me to be happy," they tell me, and I know it's true. However the sort of true happiness He's been giving me so far isn't the sunshine and flowers sort so many people think of.
Let me go off on a tangent...
I've never liked 'fun.' You know... amusement parks, recreational activities, board games, stuff like that. I had them all as a kid, but they never really worked out. I'd go to the amusement parks to ride the airborne rides, pretending I was flying along with the Jewel Monsters, but in time I lost my trust of those machines and realized the time they were stealing from me. Board games were only fun to me if I could turn them into my own creation, so to speak. I enjoyed 'Life' because I could write a theoretical future with it. I liked the mystery games because I could think about the characters and their roles. My favorite game, though, was about a unicorn and some princesses... I basically rewrote the entire plot in my head. I enjoyed creation and significance, not moving plastic pieces across a slab of cardboard for two hours. I'd go to fairs and picnics and family trips, but rarely enjoyed them and always looked forward to going home. In time I developed a crippling fear of their atmosphere... the smell of fries and funnel cakes, the loud brass music, the yellow and white lights strung overhead, the crowds of people. Even the slightest hint of that now is enough to send me spiraling into a panic. It's a carnival of senseless hedonism to me. Food, drink, and 'fun.' Screw that; I have work to do.
So I look for positive negativity, so to speak. I look for minor keys and left-eye teardrops and lonely nights and broken chandeliers. I seek out the silent streetlights and outcast souls and the empty streets drenched by rain. Those are the only things that feel real to me, and I've never really been able to explain it.

I had to borrow Mel's clothes for services this morning. Pinstripe pants and a black/white dress top. It was okay until I got about 2/3 through the Sunday service... that's when that awfully sick perception shift happened; that utterly displacing thought that I looked like a woman.
Naturally I began to freak out. As soon as I walked in Q's door I was milliseconds away from tearing the thing off and throwing on a suit, no kidding. That then led me into a train of thought that I really need to discuss, and eventually settle.
I'm sitting here in a pair of black jeans, a white Dichotomy top and a grey overjacket from the mens' section in Kohls. I mussed up my hair before the mirror so it spiked up just enough, grabbed each side of my lapel, and was for a moment comfortable with the face in the mirror. If I weren't so freaking numb lately I think I would've cried or something.
I just... I don't fit. I've never fit this face, this body, this vessel. Yeah, I need to use it as a conduit, but geez... can't I change it up a bit so I stop having breakdowns every time I walk past a mirror?
I think that's the most painful feeling in the entire world for me right now... the acutely agonizing awareness that my 'body' is not mine, that no matter where I go I will not find home, because the bones I am bound to are the wrong sort... that for now, for the length of this terrible trial, I am lost, trapped in a 5'8'' prison that tears me apart every waking moment.

Going back to our opening sentence, that's what's been going on. I don't have the nerve, the will, the right or the want to even look at Q or Mel right now. I mean, come on, these eyes feel stolen. It's a horrible feeling, you know; that no matter how genuine my soul strives to be, I will always be false, for the immediate impression I give to the world is a complete falsehood, a black lie.
I'm also still stupidly numb. Yes, yes I know I thought I was getting over it... and maybe I am; I don't know. I just can't feel anything other than this desperate, manic need to escape. And they're making it worse.
Laurie's doing okay. She's actually going back to the positive state she was in earlier this month, which makes me smile. I missed her a lot.
Too bad I can't do the same, I guess. There's that dull ache in the center of my chest again, which is completely bizarre because it's not even a physical sensation as far as I can tell. Fun fact; if you ask me if I hurt anywhere, I will most likely answer "yes" even if there's not the slightest twinge of a nerve in my body. There's just this chronic, invisible pain within me at all times, and it's impossible to describe because it requires a whole new sense to accommodate it. I'm only getting echoes of it, which is good I guess, because I think that if I took on everything I'm dimly percieving I might just die from the pain.
It's making everything really strange, too... no, I can't actively feel anything, but I can still emote, if that makes sense. I'm worried how Q and Mel are perceiving all this, but my numbness makes it feel almost 'painted on,' because there's no tangible proof of it. It's there though... well, at least I hope to God it is.

I really, really want to be a guy. I can't explain why and the mere thought of it makes me worry (probably because of the prejudice I'll face), but I still wish I were Jayce.
Why did I not realize this back when I was 12, 13, when the girls in my class showed me a magazine full of male models and asked me if I 'thought they were hot?' And all I could think of, all I could ever think of, was "I want to look like that." I wanted that so badly. I never realized what that meant. I never gave it a second thought...
Right now, I need the small changes most of all... the voice switch, the body shape change, the beard (oh man why do I want one so much), the different face and hands and impression. What I'm scared of is the 'mental change;' the thing most trans men I've seen talk about, the fear that the testosterone will somehow overwrite a vital part of my personality, especially the stereotypically 'feminine' parts like my deep-rooted compassion and empathetic needs. I don't want to shoot myself up and suddenly slide over to a stereotypical male mindset. I want to look the part just well enough, but I want to be whoever the heck I want. If I want to seriously screw around with the gender perception of everyone who sees me then so be it.
I just want to be comfortable in my own shell for once in my life. I want to look in the mirror and smile because it fits, not because I'm treating that glassy countenance as a separate individual. That's how Natalie was born and died, you know...
Also, weird realization. You know how I like andro girls and that's it? Well, I think that if I became Jayce, my focus would suddenly switch to andro guys. Heck, 4 out of 5 people would probably think I was gay the moment they saw me. Ridiculous stereotypes... but anyway, what causes such a strange homoromantic tendency with me is my severe asexual/genophobic drive. Compatibility in the 'typical' (ech) aspect can only be achieved through two members of opposite sexes. I loathe that sort of 'compatibility' more than I can say, so I think I'm unconsciously leaning the other way.
Right now, I am looking for a girlfriend for that reason. Sadly, though, I need a near-clone of me more than anything. I seem to have developed my personality output to match what I need from other people, so if I could find someone who was outwardly incredibly similar to the real me (nice, compassionate, open-minded and creative, but also punky, explorative, eccentric and a total butch), I'd be incredibly happy. I just don't know where to look, haha. I should totally take out a personal ad... "google 'spinningcannon,' ladies(?), and if you identify strongly with that individual, give me a call." Panromanticism is a major plus, haha.
Back on track, though... since becoming Jayce would make me a man (although not physically; God willing I won't have anything at all down there), hanging around with the ladies (no matter how cute they are) would make me terribly nervous, I think. Even visualizing it makes me panicky. Why? It's simple... girl + guy = downstairs junk that I DO NOT WANT. So unless I hook up with a lesbian or a dude I'm in trouble, haha. Seriously, I'd have no problem with a gay guy as long as he wasn't... well, promiscuous. Heck, I can't stand promiscuity in anyone. I just really, really like gay dudes. It's probably just because I don't like the binary or gender stereotypes at all. I'm currently pretty darn butch so there you go.

Lastly... should I change my name?
I loathe my given name; oh man, you have no freaking idea how much I detest it. I just can't decide what to change it to.
My 'true' name, Jewel W. E. Lightraye, would fit perfectly BUT once I went 'male,' I'd hit a roadblock. I still call myself 'Jayce Lytraile' (clever clever) whenever I refer to my 'future' white-haired self, but still have the mental incident here and there where people refer to me as 'Jewel' and I'm fine with it. Huh.
I just... switching legally to Jewel while still trapped in this physical hellhole would feel horribly, horribly wrong. Yeah, I'm me, but this bag of bones isn't. I'm going to need to give it a total remodeling (and maybe a custom paint job) before I can go around switching up names to fit it.
Could I get two names somehow? Haha, that would be genius. I think I'd really like that.
...Maybe Jayce would work, actually. Think about it: Jayce is the name for my physical self, and Jewel is the name for my soul. It's still me. I think I'll do that-- as soon as I decide on my two new middle names, haha!

Well, Apollo only has 50 minutes left on his battery and I left his plug at Mel's house, so I suppose I should close up for now... maybe hand this entry over to Q and Mel so they can have a bit of an idea as to what's going on with me. I don't know. It's starting to make me horribly sick, thinking of them reading this and likely treating it like they would a newspaper. Just something 'fun' to read...
...See, there we go again. I've been mentally picturing myself as Jayce this whole time, and now that I'm trying to pull myself out of 'digital reality' and back into the 3D perception of this living room, I'm getting that sickening knowledge that my trial isn't over yet and I still have to suffer this current body a while longer. God, give me strength. I trust you, and I know you know what you're doing, but... please, help me out.

Trial is necessary. Tears are vital. Suffering is needed. Pain is indispensible.
My life has been written in minor keys, in chords that make you catch your breath because they sting so sharply; their sorrowful beauty strikes your very heart.
If the sky didn't cry, there'd be no rainbows and waterfalls... it's the truth, you know.
Oh man, there we go... tiny bit of heartbreak right there. Thank you Jeff Kessel.

25 minutes left on Apollo; 3:21PM. I feel like going to sleep and doing some overtime... that or dreaming with my eyes open. I just need a strangely beautiful escape.

I'm going to try to purify my heart again, to make myself as white as I once was.
One day I'll dye my hair to match.






When I was a little boy
I didn't know what was right or wrong
I had to change my way of life
But I just couldn't win the fight
I'd let myself float off in time and hide

Another day
Another night
I lived off dreams
I thought was right
I couldn't stand being treated like
I was the only one without rights
Stood there screaming out your voice
And cried

The way you loved me
Is not always what we call love
Waiting now, beautiful pain

In the dirt and in my soil
They said they planted seeds of joy
I was unholy, born in sin
So they fed me words of lead within
Then I looked down on myself in shame
Left with the blame

The way you loved me
Is not always what we call love
Waiting now, beautiful pain

Mother, father listen up
I know these times were kind of rough
We waited for the leaders hand to guide our lives
It's kind of sad
And you just did what you thought was right
And cried
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Julie's been hacking him too.

I called Laurie, Chaos Zero and Selph over today to talk to them... Julie's been trying to get me recently, but I've been fighting her off well so she's trying to get my dreams again (I can't stand when she does that; dreams are one of my only escapes).
Anyway, if you didn't know, Julie sometimes pretends to be Chaos Zero or Jena or someone just to screw with me. I know it's not really them, but it messes with my head so badly that I can never feel 100% sure. So, I asked them today if they would ever act like she did in their places. Selph said no and Chaos nearly flipped out, but Laurie seemed shocked that I had called her over for that question, as Julie's too terrified of her to touch her. I said that Julie had tried to be her once (she had) but had immediately switched to Chaos Zero because, if Laurie ever found out, she'd be furious. Well, ironically enough, I just told Laurie of the failed attempt, and she was indeed furious-- so she pulled out her axe and ran downstairs to give Julie a piece of her mind, so to speak. Chaos didn't want her to start trouble so early in the morning, but I told him that the more time Julie was 'out of action' the better.
Anyway, we started talking about the previous subject again, and... I don't know what I said exactly, but Selph let it slip that Julie's been getting him too.
For about two freaking years now.

I'm in shock. I really am.
Chaos was seriously disturbed by the idea as well, and we both began to ask him 'how long?' 'how badly?' 'why didn't you say anything sooner?' Things like that... turns out Selph was too shaken by the idea to say anything, and besides he didn't want to burden me with another serious worry.
Geez... I'll tell you what, though, suddenly everything makes sense. He admitted that was the real reason he was so uncharacteristically furious when he found out Julie was getting me too (I didn't say anything either); he knew what her attacks were like and it was pretty heartbreaking to know his dreamer was suffering that too. Well, looks like now the situation is reversed...
That also explains his several-day disappearances with no explanation. He says he goes to talk with his father, and I don't doubt that, but I think he really goes for the parental comfort, you know. I'm glad he has that, but man... we love him too, and it hurts to know he's been staying quiet.
I don't blame him, of course, and I'm not mad at him, but it hurts to know he's hurting.
Anyway, Laurie came back upstairs around that time, but as soon as she got wind of the Selph situation, she got out that circular saw of hers and went back down without another word. She scares me sometimes, but I really love her. She just has a weird way of returning the compassion.

Chaos confronted me about it later and asked me if I was okay. I said no, and to my surprise he said he hoped I would say so-- after all, if I wasn't worrying, that would be pretty unusual of me, to say the very least.
Anyway, we're both terribly worried about him... I'm so, so thankful that I have work today as a result, because Selph sits on the computer monitor and I get to talk to him whenever there's a break in customers. We'll need some one-on-one talking time, even if it's only here and there.

Man... I'm just so shaken and heartbroken now.
The only thing I can do is fight harder, because if I lose then we all lose...
I don't know what else to do.
I don't know what else to do.



So close
You're wasted again
I know, somehow.
I lost myself again

Making me high again
I almost forgot myself again
It hits me so hard
It kills me again
Today

So close
Yet you're wasted again
I know, somehow
We'll find ourselves
I don't know, I don't know

Then we'll be high again
I almost forgot myself there
It hits you so hard
And kills again

I almost forgot myself again
I almost forgot myself there
It's hitting me hard
It moves me again

Again...

 

 

 

 

I have a very emotional journal to write here.
You know who it's about.

...

I never thought it was possible to fall in love with someone for a second time, and fall even deeper than you had ever before, but last night that's exactly what happened to me.
Of course, knowing my sadly mangled little mind, there's a lot that built up to that.

It started on Sunday night when I was randomly listening to my iTunes playlist, and my Genius software suddenly threw a recommendation at me for a band named "FROST*." I decided to listen to the preview, and I was immediately intrigued. Looking them up on the store's search engine, I listened to the rest of their album previews and knew that I had to buy them, no questions. I don't mean that in a materialistic way-- I mean that in the sense that their music is incomparably gorgeous. I love every single track on both their albums, and that's never happened to me with any other band.
So I bought the albums yesterday afternoon... and here's the killer.
It started raining outside.
Now, if you've been watching my latest dA favespams or have been seeing me in person for the past few days, then you're probably well aware that I am in the most severe Chaos Zero hype I've had in years.
Take that fact and add in some rainy weather, and I'm absolutely euphoric on any given day... but throw in FROST*'s music, and then some crazy stuff starts happening.
My theoretical Links started kicking in.

Here's some Spinny jargon clarification for you readers: A "Link" is a term I use for any sort of strong mental/ spiritual/ emotional/ what have you connection between me and someone I know well. When applied to soulbonds and other 'worlds' like those of Halcyon and the Hokthai, Links allow me to limitedly see what's going on there-- which is how I write their storylines, haha.
A "theoretical Link," though... that's what the normal person would call a 'daydream.' They work with the same people I'm normally Linked with, but those situations aren't what I consider 'canon' or 'reality' in whatever sense. I can tell when a Link is theoretical because I can freely mess around with what's going on... and the situations are typically extremely twisted.
Yes, you heard me. Theoretical Links are what I wrote "Dream World's End" with, and by any reason you know what that is, then you get the idea.
If you're still confused, let me finally explain what sort of freakish imagining hit my mind around 10:30PM last night, to the music of Milliontown.

Station Square all over again.
That scenario has happened before in my 'non-canon' group Link scenarios (the ones with my 4 and I), but there was one time when I was forced to pull a near-suicide move to get him back to normal-- I morphed Cherubell and flew into Perfect Chaos, then immediately threw off the most intense energy attack I possibly could. It worked that time, but seeing how severe the results were anyway...
...Last night, I wondered what would have happened if I died.

...




...(continue this later, kid.)




(I'm leaving this public because, despite being unfinished, it's incredibly important to me.)

 

 

 

 

 

This may be slightly disjointed or inaccurate (plus I can't remember the beginning of the dream at all right now-- this all happened near the end of it), but it was absolutely amazing so I want to write it down.

I remember walking up a small, enclosed stairwell somewhere, with a man who was dressed in some sort of red and gold pajama outfit + nightcap. He was acting extremely optimistic and upbeat, and led me up the stairwell to a landing with a door. Walking out the door, we ended up exiting the basement door of my old elementary school. It was around 7PM in the afternoon, when twilight had just begun to fall.
Interestingly enough, he ran out to the middle of the school playground and jumped into the air. Once he was about 20 feet up, he just hovered there. Suddenly, he began moving his arms in a sweeping motion around him, and every time he did, night would fall in the direction he indicated. It was like he was 'painting' the scenery with nighttime. Next, though, he began to repeat the same arm motions, but instead of night, a swirling gold glitter of some sort floated over the nearby houses and seemed to fade into the air (it was actually dream dust, but I didn't realize this until later).
Once he finished, he landed and walked back over to me. I asked him how and why he did that, and he said "In this world, I am known as both Mister Night and Mister Sandman." He then said he was going to teach me, and led me back over to the playground.
It was right here that I was no longer me-- I was Justice (the Jewel Monster), and was seeing everything from his POV. Sandman told me to jump up like he had, so I did-- but I jumped up about 60 feet instead. I was enjoying the view when I realized that there were kids inside the school building nearby, watching us curiously. Sandman did too, and said that I was going to be doing his job for him tonight (Apparently, in his world, he is not only well-known, but he is very popular and everyone looks forward to nighttime because of him). I then began to introduce myself, saying that my name was Justice and I was a Jewel Monster from THE Dream World (I seriously put emphasis on "the"-- because 'The Dream World' isn't a literal 'dreamworld,' it's an entire autonomous dimension). I then added that some of the kids there might have seen me before, or that they might have seen some other Jewel Monsters in dreams. I then named Preludove, Azurai, and Rosaka, and I think one other person, but the kids just seemed very confused so I stopped (apparently, I am indeed the only kid to have ever dreamed of them, haha). It was then that I said I'd get to work, and began 'painting' the scenery with night. It was incredibly fun, as it worked exactly as Sandman had demonstrated. I stopped halfway through, though, as I realized that everyone was mostly still awake, and I didn't want to put them all to sleep yet as it was quite early. So I stopped, leaving the world in a state of sunset twilight (which was very pretty). I then landed, and realized that some of the children from inside the school were coming out to talk to Sandman and me.

One of the kids knelt down on the pavement and began to scribble something on the ground with her fingers. I realized that she had some sort of finger paint with her, so I asked if I could use some and she said yes. I then took some of the red-brown paint and began to literally paint 'my' face on the pavement (Justice's face, technically). Surprisingly, it was a very close likeness for a dream (usually they say dream images were skewed, but everything here was incredibly accurate so far). I was painting the star on my forehead when someone called me from the top of the playground, so I got up and walked up there (I was now my normal self, not Justice). A girl was sitting there with several boxes of marshmallow Peeps, and immediately began ranting 'where do they get the nerve to do this' or something. I asked what she was talking about, and she explained that there was a rival 'Peeps' company who was making different animals out of the marshmallow, and she vehemently thought they should stop, as they were taking away from the appeal of the original by making it more 'commercial' or something. She said it just didn't feel right, and held up a box of the 'bogus' marshmallows to show me. Inside was a set of dark blue marshmallow bears, and a set of white marshmallow swans. I thought they looked pretty interesting (and were very well made), but the girl insisted 'see? It just doesn't feel right.' She then asked if I wanted one, and I pointed to a box of marshmallow doves beside her (they had little feathers and everything) and said 'those look pretty cool." The girl seemed highly offended at this, though, and instead shoved three normal blue marshmallow Peeps into my hand. I turned to leave, but some nearby kid grabbed one of them from me, squashed it, and gave it back. I found this very odd, so I turned back to the girl and offered her a chocolate I suddenly had, asking if I could trade that for a replacement Peep, as I planned to give them to my brothers (I can't eat sugar). She gave me a look, when suddenly her gaze turned to the sky. I turned back around as well, and noticed that there was a large red number display in the sky, counting down the time from about 6:37:40 (hours, minutes, seconds), which was the current time. Above the numbers, it said something like 'it's almost time to go to sleep!' or something, and I figured this was Sandman's doing, as everyone was still outside so he couldn't bring nighttime yet (as I had stopped for the same reason). I began to wonder where I should go, then, when the scene suddenly switched.

Now I was in a car, driving down the road from my house around the same time of day. The sign was still in the sky as far as I remember. However, once I got to the bridge connecting my road to the nearby town, I couldn't go any further as there were several cars blocking the road. I wondered what was going on, when I noticed that they were trying to 'capture' a large DBZ-style monkey (complete with Super Saiyan hair) that was trying to climb up a small mountain nearby (where a side road would have been in reality). I watched them for a minute or so before deciding they weren't going to move, so I drove around them. The road was now entirely different, though-- there was no bridge, only a winding road and an embankment up to my left. There were now several cars ahead of me. The one directly in front of me had a sort of display on top of it, showing several immodestly dressed women and (I think) one man. It looked like a carnival sign, though, and i wondered what the heck it was. Suddenly, the car turned up a side road and drove up to the top of the embankment, where a large whorehouse was situated. I stared at it for a second, wondering how the heck anyone could work for such a place, and then I began to wonder why the heck I was still there so I turned to leave. However, I left my car parked on the hill and walked down to a small 'farmers market'-like area nearby. I had barely begun to approach it when a woman looking at hanging rugs turned to me and began to talk in Spanish. A nearby man explained 'no habla Espanol,' and she repeated that back to him in a surprised (almost incredulous) manner. I embarrassedly repeated the explanation, before adding in English, "but one day I will," as I planned to learn the language for communication reasons. I then started to walk back towards my car but I couldn't find it.
I think it was right here that I woke up, actually-- and I woke up only about 30 minutes ago.

I intend to write Mr. Sandman into the same story I wrote Nicodemus into...

 

 

 

 

Z?
Z?  Z?
Z?  Z?  Z? 
Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?
Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?
Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?
Z?  Z? Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?  Z?

12AM1AM2AM3AM4AMWHY

noname
   noname
       noname
WEHAVENONAME.


and I ask
myself again

         WHERE
                DID
                    MY
                     DREAMS
                            GO?

Mr Samsa
I'm afraid I must
KILL YOU AGAIN



"Why are you leaving?
     You can't just leave."

     All of a sudden
It struck me
  Just how selfish those words sounded.

  WATCH
   WHAT
  YOURE 
  SAYING
  TYPING
 THINKING
   IDIOT

Like I was staying here for your sake.
Like you're the only reason I'm even here.
Like you're something I can't afford to lose.

Don't be silly.

I'm so sick of this
        every day
          every night
    you say the same thing
     the same DAMN THING

              a DELUDED LIE


   can't you just leave me
          THINK
with chaos like the old days?
     

    "I love you"
        "stay with me forever"
"MARRY ME!"

                  WHAT THE HELL
                      (is going on)

                You say it to who you THINK
                                 is J.W.L.
                                                        but you've never
     AM I?                                                            known me.
  DEARGODWHOAMI?                         (AND NEITHER
                                                                    HAVE I.)

      Do you
          remember
Wobbly
    Headed
        BOB?

                    maybe not
                  MAYBE YES?
                        mAyBE SO
 

LEAVEMEALONEPLEASE!

PLEASESTOPSAYINGITSTOPREPEATINGTHESELIESSTOPTRYINGTOMAKEMEDESTROYMYSELFAGAIN!

 

IlostmymindlastweekenddoyourememberLaurie
wasangrywithmeagaindamnJulieandheraddiction
butItooktherazorandIslicedmylegopenandI
hadbloodonmyhandsdearGodIhadbloodonmyhandsI
feltlikeLadyMacbethIfeltlikeJohnnyCIwascrying
IcouldntstopIwashyperventilatingeverythingwasred
andIknewthatsomevitalpartofmehadbrokenand
Iwasnevergoingbackandhereyouareyouhavethe
nervetoactlikeeverythingisallflowersand
fairytaleswellIhatetoburstyourbubblesonbut
unfortunatelyIvebecomeamadmansinceImetyou

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had a counselling appointment this morning.

I managed to keep a lot secret.

I didn't mention Selph. I didn't mention Chaos Zero. I didn't mention Vezerai.


But I told her about Laurie.




I am scared to death.
Dear Lord, I don't want her to die.
Psychologists always treat headvoices like they're a problem if they're formed from something negative-- like self-abuse-- but I need Laurie. I need her desperately. She knows that, I know that.
No one else does.

And now I might lose her.

I feel like such a heartless bastard.



We figured out that Julie is most likely a "waste-lock." You know, like Johnny C.? We theorized that she actually acts as a sort of living container for all this vice and anger and animosity and all that, but what we're really worried about is what would happen if she died.
I don't want that vice becoming part of me, and I don't want it becoming part of Laurie.
Laurie said that I might be able to annihilate all that negativity if Julie ever was murdered, but the problem is I don't know how I'd do that, let alone if.
All humans have a shadow, unfortunately. I was just lucky enough to be able to give mine a face and hide her away the best I can.
If this psychologist wants to kill her, I might lose who I am.
Julie's been in my head since I was eight years old, damn it! Tell me, when did I realize my true personality? When I was eight years old!

Those therapists don't know what the heck they're talking about.

I'm honestly terrified, though. I don't want Julie to die because I'm afraid of the aftershock (can't I just lock her in a back room with her dirty magazines and call it a day?), and I don't want Laurie to die because I love her dearly and let's face it-- she keeps me under control.



I'm kind of upset that I didn't say I was an antisexual neutrois celibate (I did mention that I was asexual, haha!), but I have to thank God that I was smart enough not to say anything about my pain addiction or my xenophilia.
Wow. Can you imagine that?

"You're a pain addict?"
"Um... yeah."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, you know Laurie?"
"Yes."
"That's the second reason I keep her around."

They would have shipped me off to the funny farm for good with that one! Geez!
Oh, but completely coming out of the closet without warning would have been priceless just for her reaction.

"By the way-- I literally have hundreds of monsters living in my head, I don't consider myself male or female and I'm only attracted to biologically asexual humanoids. Oh-- see this ring, this onyx ring here? I'm also celibate. Yeah. Never getting married. Religious vows, you know. That and I'm madly in love with a energy-based alien from God knows where so marrying anyone in this reality would really be a mistake on my part. Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't know that?"

Man oh man. Good times, theoretically.
But honestly... I bet she'd throw the infamous hateline right back at me-- "Everything in your mind is simply a figment of your imagination. You can do whatever you want with it."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, if I put you in my head, ma'am-- because I can do that-- I could do whatever I want to you, too! I could cut your hair short and dye it blue and make you a half-human-half-pirahna crossbreed if that was what I wanted. But, the point is-- here, in your reality, you would not change.
Just because something is strange or abnormal or fantastic doesn't mean it isn't real.
Also... with murdering my headvoices? You think that's all fine and dandy just because they were born from my mind?
You know, for the sake of argument, I could easily take that pirahna version of you and put a bullet through her head, sure. But do I have the right to do that? No. And why not? Because it's not my life. Whether or not you formed from my personality has no bearing on the matter. You are not me. I have no right to take your life, no matter what someone else might say. Plus, if you had been a huge influence to me for some reason-- maybe you became a personification of my eccentricities-- then killing you would literally be killing a major part of me, and that would essentially be-- you guessed it!-- suicide.
Just because Laurie originated from my self-abuse (I think; I honestly don't know where she came from other than out of a mirror one night) doesn't mean that she's all pure evil and something to get rid of.
Laurie is not evil.
She's vicious if she wants to be, sure, but aren't we all?
I know Laurie. I know her so much better than you ever will.
What the hell gives you the right to sign her death warrant?
Why the hell do you think I would be better off without her?
"Oh, you're just used to her being around."
Sure, that's going to be true, but I'm also used to having Devonexx and Julie around and I wouldn't mind if they were both gone.
Laurie means so much to me.
I don't want her to die.

And there is no bloody way that I will ever let you touch her.

Especially not with murderous hands.






I don't mince words, I spit 'em out.
I won't leave room for any doubt.
Get to the point, stop splitting hairs
That ain't getting either of us anywhere!
Sometimes it's better to be blunt
But is this some kind of publicity stunt?
So far you've whet my appetite,
Do you wanna grind with me tonight?

Axegrinder- I'm not famous for my tact.
Axegrinder- I've gotta sharpen up my act.
Axegrinder- try and see things through my eyes.
Everything and everyone gets cut back down to size.



On the brink of who knows what?

 

 

 

 

Five months we waited
Hoped
Prayed for that moment

 

                                                                And when we found ourselves there
                                                                 We were scared to death.

 

"How am I supposed to say this?"
                                                                                Thinking so far back

 

                                     Every word
                                        Every thought
                                           Every second
                                                 Until right now.

 

You were right... it makes it so much harder.                                                                          And yet

 

Because all I could think about                                                                                            Every moment
Were all of the other moments                                                                                             Every laugh
When I had been dying to say                                                                                             Every tear
                   these very words                                                                                             Every hope
And I had been too scared.                                                                                                Every fear
                                                                                                                                          Every silence
                                                                                                                                          Every heartbeat
                                                                                                                                          Was worth it.

 

Five minutes...
               two...
                    one...                                                                     &nbs p;        My hands are shaking
                                 ...time's up.                                                                  So are yours.

 

Take a deep breath and say it, Jewel...                                                      God, give me the courage to tell him...!

 

ORANGE                                                                           A crystal heart
RED                                                                                               Just like my own
Maybe even SAPPHiRE                                                                                                Made of glass.

 

                                                    I was so scared.

 

                                                          But why?

 

"If you don't say it, you're going to regret it."

 

                                                                          I would have regretted that for the rest of my life.

If you were looking for that opportune moment...
                                                                                                      ...This is it.

 

                                                            And I refused to lose it.

 

            Forget all my fears...
                         all my worries...

 

                                                                        "What matters is what I have right here."
                                                                                 My hand held tightly against my heart.

 

Those painful silences...
I tried so hard to say those words                                                                       "Selph, how did you do it?"
To say the absolute truth
To say everything                                                                                                        "I just forgot my fears
But I could barely even breathe                                                                     and said what I wanted to say."
So how was I supposed to speak?

 

                                                                                                                         "...All right.
            ...But I had to.                                                                                      If you can do it, I can do it..."
I couldn't make us wait any longer.

 

                                            
                                                  Not when we had finally reached the breaking point.

 

...You had cried.
I can't possibly explain how deeply that moved me.

 

                                                                  I was crying too
                                                                             Silently
                                                                                                          Because the past few seconds
                                                                                                                 Had taken all my emotions
                                                                                                                            And given them to you.

 

We've finally reached the stars.

 

"Why is it always so much easier in my head?"

                                                                                                                       Simple.
                                                                                        Because you're not right there
                                                                                                       Not at that moment
                                                                                   &n bsp;   And I'm not trying desperately
                                                              To express the deepest emotion that I'm feeling.

 

To give words to what's in my heart.

 

                                                                             Please...
                                                                       Don't feel jealous...
                                                                        Don't feel guilty...
                                                                        Don't feel afraid.

 

Because, after all...
                                                                                                          ...We finally know the answer to the riddle.

 

                                                           ...If you want God's honest truth...

 

                                                          ...If you want to know everything...

 

                                                              ...Then I'll tell you everything.

 

 

 

                                                          Q-Lok... my Animus.

 

  

 

                                                                            I love you.

 

-spinningcannon