We have so many faceless children in the System. It seems like the older we get physically, the "younger" we are inside? We feel more and more helpless and scared and small every day. There is a legitimate part of our mind that is a frightened crying child and s/he keeps crying "i want my mommy" but the instant we imagine any sort of adult female like our mother (long dark hair) the child starts screaming hysterically and runs away in tears. "mommy," she sobs, but she feels so lost, like, what is a mother? I don't think she knows.
"Grandma" is still safe, in memory. ALL the children will run to her instinctively. But... the memories don't match up. There was an phago-paidifoni who kept eating rice pudding last month, because it would immediately transport her into a vivid sensory memory of being in the kitchen or on the porch with grandma, eating homemade rice pudding, feeling safe and loved. The problem is that at some point, she started trying to remember what our grandma actually talked and acted like in those situations, and... it wasn't always nice. That's a fact. Our grandmother could be very critical, and said hurtful things often, even if she didn't mean to. And the phago-paidifoni became so confused and disturbed, because this wasn't what they needed or wanted from her. They wanted to feel safe and loved and comforted, but that was suddenly gone now that this ideal visual was changing to reflect memory. And they disappeared, stopped eating rice pudding entirely, because now it was triggering. It's sad.

Anyway. What would a child want, from a "mother"? That's hard to answer, because the very WORD "mother" brings up immediate feelings of TERROR and PANIC and the urge to FLEE AND HIDE. We can't delve into that right now; it's too early and we will need to recover mentally from this entry the way it is.
But our therapist said, don't ask the System itself at this point. We have too much pain and trauma, we can't see straight. Growing up we never really "had" a mother or father in the "family role" sense. We had a biological mother and father, but neither of them knew how to be parents; they barely knew each other to begin with, and both of them were extremely independent and stubborn, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" types. They weren't home much, worked constantly, and had NO warmth or intimacy or quiet time to give. Our grandparents were the same. So... we didn't have a context of what a "normal family" looks like as a child, and so we couldn't even imagine anything different. Hence why the Spherae never had parental figures in it until we hit college and wrote some in just as "filler." Even so, what would parents act like? We didn't know.
You know how we do know, now? Our faith has told us. We had NO IDEA what a "real parent" SHOULD look like, at ALL, until we really started to commit ourselves to being Catholic. Suddenly, we realized what we were missing. We jarringly became aware of an immense lack in our life, of an "infantile need" that was never met, of a hunger completely ignored and denied until now. THAT'S why we suddenly have "all these internal children" crying helplessly, lost and confused, knowing they need something-- someone-- but not having any idea what to do about it. They're helpless. I emphasize that word, because it defines childhood for us. Powerless, incapable, totally dependent. And... I don't think we were ever allowed to be that historically? Our parents drilled self-sufficiency and excellence and competition and achievement into our brains from the very beginning; we were even pitted against our siblings to "be the best" and nothing ever felt "good enough." The bar was always moved higher. Our mother said "that should have made you try harder!!" but honestly it just made us feel... helpless. We felt defeated before we even started. We internalized a sense of total ineptitude, inadequacy, failure-- we were a disappointment and a letdown no matter what we did. But that's slightly off-topic. The point is, we were never able to just be a child in need. We were expected to do everything for ourself, to be strong and not burden others, to "make our family proud," etc. Somehow this translated to "don't ever weigh other people down with your problems/ whining/ stupidity/ weakness/ etc.," which ultimately boiled down to "you're not allowed to be weak," in any and all senses.
Children are weak, by definition. At least, that's what I've been told now. My brain still "can't accept it." It's not allowed. "They're just choosing to be weak to get something out of people, to manipulate them," like my mother would say. But was I? When "I" was a child, a two-year-old crying from fear or discomfort or hunger or loneliness, and I was weak in that crying, was I actively trying to manipulate my mother out of selfish concern? Or was I just scared and needed comfort and security and... did I "need" it? That's where my mind goes. "You don't really need it. Grow up. Get over it." etc. Children aren't weak, they're just selfish and lazy...
Notice I wouldn't even dare type the word "love." A child needs love. Do they? Isn't it horrible that I instinctively doubt that? That alone says volumes about my upbringing, and the tragic wrecked state of our psyche.

So our homework is to imagine a child in concept, effectively-- "like a character in a story," our therapist said. Like someone in the Spherae. From that "detached" perspective, informed now by Catholic teaching of Truth, what would real parents look and act like? Where does our mind go, instinctively, when it's "safe" to think of such things, from a distance as it were? That's what we need to take time to do.
Notably, I want to mention that it's only within the past two years or so that we've been able TO conceptualize this at ALL, again thanks to our faith. We are ACTUALLY comfortable with referring to the Blessed Virgin Mary AS "mom" now, and regularly do. I think that just started this year, to be honest. She IS "mom," or "mommy," and she hears that term from us a lot during hysterical prayers in times of trauma and terror. But that fact alone is staggeringly significant. In those moments, when we think and feel we are going to die (and in some awful cases, might actually), what do we do? We blindly, desperately, helplessly cry out for mom. And we're not afraid of her. That's HUGE. We used to be, because the way she is portrayed in European/American art IS frightening to us, but in Orthodox iconography our heart recognizes and loves her. So we focus on those images, because "that's our mom's face" and that child-part of our heart clings to that in a way we've never experienced physically or historically. So healing IS happening there. I think that's more important to reflect upon than ANY "imagined" parents even in the Spherae, because after all we'd be defining those characters by what we know or can imagine, and that applicable data is ONLY positive inasmuch as we've received it from Mary. She IS the "mother of all mothers" after all.
Fatherhood is... oddly so much easier. Yeah our dad wasn't around much, but he somehow still embodied a LOT of what we "needed" a father TO be as a child? And yet... there was so much missing that we're only realizing and feeling now that we're older, and are instinctively looking for it, and cannot get it from him. He's never been emotionally or physically close, for one thing. We were reading Father's Day cards in the store the other day and it just... it hurt, so much, to want to say these things to my dad but I couldn't, because he never DID such things. That was like a gutpunch to the soul.
But you know what has been helping us conceptualize real Godly motherhood and fatherhood SO MUCH lately? THE CHOSEN. Oh man that NEEDS its own entry (or fifteen) but for this topic it will suffice to say that the portrayal of the mother and father figures in that series is rewiring our entire brain. It's... it's life-changing, and I don't say that lightly. It's inevitable that such a deeply positive reprogramming of our entire perspective and understanding on this topic WILL change our life-- honestly, it's already motivated us to take extra strong steps to repair our relationship with our mother lately. God is working through that show, in us, visibly and surprisingly so.
But oh my gosh ZEBEDEE. In short, HE is what our soul wants and perhaps needs a "father" to be. He's like our actual dad in a lot of ways, but fills in the gaps too-- I don't know how quite to put it into words yet. But there's a warmth, a sociability almost? Like, he's out there, you can be around him, and he's approachable and... we need that. The sense that you can go to him and he will be strong and honest and supportive and safe. We need that. 
Mother Mary is still our mom, in the show, too. The moments where she takes care of Jesus, even as an adult, like the scene where she just washes His hair... there's a tenderness there that our mother never showed, and we need it somehow. I want to cry, deep down, some part of our soul wants to sob about that, but I don't know why or how.

One last note on this topic before we close up for the morning-- something we've seen mention of in the F/O community is the idea of "maternal and paternal f/o's"??? That's such a... it's a novel concept, to us. Could we ever find a character in media that would somehow personify those ideals our child-selves are seeking? Or could the very searching for such a character be even more valuable, in the process of seeking and therefore recognizing how those characters met or did not meet those needs? We already have the perfect Mother in Mary, and God is our Father, so we don't want to dishonor them by "introjecting" some fictional and imperfect reflection of their very virtues. Furthermore, we don't want any more Outspacers if at all possible. If there are ANY "parents" in the System, they NEED to be Nousfoni. That is CRITICAL. And... we don't have any, except perhaps Sherilyn, but even she shows toxic damage from reflecting childhood mother-understanding, which includes the damaging traits of our mother at that time. So we have to be careful.

This is a heavy but important topic. We will keep revisiting it here and in therapy. We need to review the archives and see what we have written on this in the past-- we don't remember anything. The past two years, although full of eternally meaningful spiritual growth and instruction, have nevertheless, as a result of that honed focus, caused massive memory loss of our historical-personal past. Our sense of self has deteriorated, and the System is barely functioning, except for the thriskefoni and esthiofoni, ironically up to this point. But we're still healing, despite it all. We're doing better by the grace of God. It's war, it will always be war, but Christ is the Victor and the closer we move and stay to Him the better we will be on all levels.

That's it for today, we have daily responsibilities to do. But it's nice to be typing again.
Remind me to upload the smattering of daily notes on our phone, as well as the indispensable "How We Feel" app notes that document the immediate post-hospital crash events. That's very important for our history, and to restore a sense of continuity to our life-awareness pre-Lent, as that too demolished our recollection and identity. Again, warfare. But we soldier on.

Time to fight the good fight in everyday virtue now. Pray for us, as always.

We're watching Catfish again in the group room & I have 2 thoughts: first, I WANT TO BE LIKE MAX. He looks legit EXACTLY like I wanted to look as a guy (also looks a lot like my dad, GO FIGURE), plus he's super kind/ nice/ funny/ confident/ industrious which are ALL virtues I value & am striving to grow in myself. So God bless the dude, he's a good role model for me in those unique ways. I want to be so BLUNTLY HONEST YET CONSIDERATE, unflaggingly devoted to helping people & pursuing justice, too-- WHILE having fun & being goofy with his friends: ideals I must continue to work towards.
Secondly: I MISS AIRPORTS?? I MISS the "TRAVEL" feeling, that "interim" space between destinations, the feeling of potential & adventure & discovery... the people from all over the world passing through, lives intersecting for brief blessed moments, those precious tiny interactions before they continue on to their next unknown. It's beautiful. And SO is FLYING itself. I can see why my sibling wants to be a pilot, even if it's not my calling or vibe. I still recognize & appreciate the beauty & freedom & skill of it. But... I wonder, would I ever want to just TRAVEL? Is that a lifestyle, however brief, that I'm capable of living? The "unmoored" yet liberating sense of being a pilgrim, a wanderer, a voyager, with no roots in the places I'm going except the ones I may choose to put down in love, even as I continue to explore & move on; the experience of searching for food & shelter & knowing it's all brief & temporary & all the more special for it; the plane tickets & bus tickets & long walks of sheer wonder, always aware of my limited time that makes it all holy if I let it. I wonder. It REQUIRES SUCH STRENGTH OF CHARACTER to pull off, too, which I think is a HUGE factor in WHY I wonder, because I WANT to be that kind of person. I WANT to be THAT CONFIDENT & COURAGEOUS, to have THAT much TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE & in my OWN CAPABILITY of meeting challenges & MANAGING "on my own." I WANT to be THAT DARING & JOYFUL ABOUT IT. But you know what? I just need to START NOW, & START SMALL. Start by TAKING THE BUS. Start by WALKING FURTHER. Start by VISITING LOCAL RESTAURANTS & SHOPS. Start by going to COFFEESHOPS & LIBRARIES & just BEING AROUND PEOPLE. Little steps add up! But DO START SMALL. You need to WORK UP TO HIGHER LEVELS, so it can GENUINELY TAKE ROOT & GROW SOLID. Jumping too far ahead isn't sustainable or wise. Plus it's more fun to work up from the ground up, as it were. From level 5 to level 100! And seriously, CHERISH THE PROCESS. There IS ADVENTURE & DISCOVERY & TRAVEL & WANDERING BLISS RIGHT HERE WHERE YOU ARE. EVERY town is someone's hometown, so START WITH YOURS. Be your OWN airport until we gain that opportunity in the future. But DO NOT DEVALUE THE "EVERYDAY/ MUNDANE/ ORDINARY." This part of the world is blessed & full of wonder & beauty too. The JOY is to FIND it & TREASURE it. Don't blind yourself to how special the present moment is, now. You ARE a pilgrim, on the way to HEAVEN! ♥

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✳ I know we briefly journaled about this in UPMC, but with Halloween this Thursday, we really should review WHY we still get "triggered" by the holiday, even briefly, just for the sake of later discussion. The first 2 immediate associations are: the original suicide attempt post-SLC (the 451 one, with Laurie), and the "streetlamp devil" moment in CNC (+THERE WAS MORE.) The other "fears" are from the first post-CNC Halloween when we purposely binged on TBAS's favorite candy as "restitution," childhood fears of the Knoebel's haunted house ride, teenage terror from BoyScout "haunted hayride" scares & environments, & childhood dread-horror weirdly tied to Country Junction "scare rooms/ tunnels" & hay rides/ corn mazes in general. Oh, and Roba's, for the "country" aesthetic & the crowds & smells, plus the oddly persistent fright-aversion to hay, corn, & barns. And DON'T FORGET COUNTY FAIRS, with their awful noise & those multilevel funhouses & amusement park rides. ALL of that has this underlying vibe of OVERWHELM, HELPLESSNESS, & being TRAPPED/ DOOMED. Literally just writing it out is triggering a physical panic response. That's significant to note. THEN there's the ADDED fact that Halloween happens mostly AT NIGHT, among LOTS OF PEOPLE, which is the "ultimate nightmare" in a way. Night SHOULD be a time of rest & safety & quiet solitude & HOME. When it becomes busy & dangerous & loud & crowded & FAR AWAY from ANY familiar/ welcoming/ belonging place, it feels like hell itself. This becomes LITERAL when, at Halloween, the FOCUS & AESTHETIC IS LITERAL "HELL." It's all ABOUT fear & danger & death. And I experienced religious-psychological "abuse" as a child that was ANALOGOUS to Halloween "themes." Honestly though Halloween is a TRAUMABOMB BY NATURE so it's really kinda NATURAL to be disturbed by it-- with all the blood & gore & violence & witchcraft & demons & monsters. I do NOT like it and even just for MORAL reasons I NEVER WILL. I will celebrate "All Hallow's Eve" like a Catholic should, & the culture's corruption is of no appeal or interest to me. HOWEVER, I DON'T WANT IT TO HAVE THIS "TRAUMA CONTROL" over my emotional state every October. I want to take ALL that "power" AWAY from it. Step one really should be AFFIRMING the TRUTH that EVIL IS "VOID" & GOD IS ETERNALLY VICTORIOUS, and as His child God WILL protect my soul from ALL that stuff, EVEN IF it IS scary. That's WHY & HOW Goodness is so powerful-- like the Cross, it stands INVINCIBLE EVEN IN the very MIDST of the worst fear & suffering, and it TRANSMUTES THEM. Light CHANGES things. It IS, whereas "dark" is "NOT." That's the ultimate truth. All these dark things are DOOMED TO DISAPPEAR in the end. So HOLD ON TO THAT HOPE & KEEP FIGHTING!

"In this task you will address opposite forces that reside within you, using animals as metaphors for each of these forces."


PAST SELF-VISION
(WHAT WE RESONATED WITH IN CHILDHOOD; PRIOR TO ~2008)

(vital to ecosystem but seen as bad; outcast = AESOP fable = "no one wants me for what I am / I don't fit in anywhere")

● DOLPHIN
(smart, playful, mischievous, chatterbox) (huge ECCO influence; brave, chosen, mysterious)

● COBRA
(charmed by music? venomous but dignified) (damned as evil without fair trial)

● FRILLED LIZARD
(hyper? huge influence from "the rescuers" frank. run around, "scare off" danger)

● SCORPION
(small & vulnerable, but deadly; star trek 8472 inner conflict = "what IS my true nature" vs others assumptions)

● SIAMESE CAT
(talkative, elegant, a bit aloof but friendly)

★ UNICORN (ALICORN)
(powerful, magical, pure, rare, hunted) (huge influences = AMALTHEA, JEWEL from narnia, Whisper books, etc.)

● ALIEN
(feeling utterly "alien". explorer, protector, on a mission, trying to save humans but feared by them) (ANDALITE kin)

● BUTTERFLY
(transformed into beauty from "ugly worm"; colorful, vibrant presentation, but evaded being caught or held)

★ DRAGON (WESTERN)
(seen as either holy or evil. DRACO HEART our biggest vibe = Dragonheart movie AND Sigurd myth. fire inside. KINTYPE)

● GULPER EEL
(unloved and unseen, but glowing in the dark. hidden depths of soul feeling; dies if taken up to the shallow surface)

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"CURRENT" SELF-VISION
(RESONANCES FROM '08-'18?)

● PRAYING MANTIS
(religious appearance but pray/prey battle inside. deadly predator but fragile body. intimacy ends in murder.)

● JACKAL
("dog" as a religious slur, yet ironically divine (anubis) = psychopomp. "will eat anything" spiritual scavenger danger)

● OCTOPUS?
(super smart but live a solitary existence. studied and caged. strange, viewed as alien/ divine. soft body, eaten)

● SHARK?
(predator with a soft skeleton. feared, hated, deemed dangerous & aggressive. no chance to prove goodness)

★ PHOENIX?
(resurrection from cyclical immolation deaths. soul of fire. eats incense. its tears and songs have healing powers)

★ DRAGON (EASTERN)
(protector of sacred things. flight without exertion. mysterious, wise, guards & guides people. sign of good luck)

● RAM?
(sacrificial animal = takes away sins of others. shofar horn = call to prayer & repentance, signal of God)

● DEER? (PERYTON?)
(psalm 42. "archetype" animal. sacred, connection to supernatural, heavenly messengers. "HART" pun)

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IDEAL SELF-VISION

I think I will ALWAYS feel like a BAT/ DRAGON the most, but I DO still resonate SO HARD with unicorns? And child-me feels "alien" still, too.
JAY was VERY MUCH A PHOENIX. one of them was also EXPLICITLY an eastern dragon kintype (white in color), and often became one in headspace.
I just don't feel like a bird. But I DO FLY.

✳Some "FEAR/ CHALLENGE/ AVERSE" foods I MUST face with LOVE to be HEALED/ FREE =
1) APPLESAUCE= see next pageturn.
2) FRUIT CUP(S)= see next pageturn.
3) POPCORN= vague childhood TV terror. CNC & SLC cinema. UNEXPECTEDLY TERRIFYING??? Also "DIRTY HANDS." GRANDPA CLOSET FILTH. +Halloween? Boy Scount sales?
4) NUTRIGRAIN= CNC & grandpa's closet.
5) RITZ= old binge food, often STALE/RANCID. Also "belong to mom" (with her cheeses)? Fear of being punished for eating them
6) OATMEAL RAISIN= something about the taste feels so wrong. "fruit + grain" unnatural fusion? tastes like garbled data to our brain. +They turn to SLUDGE when you eat them.
7) OATS & HONEY BAR= Filthy crumbles. Typically stale/rancid. Feels like eating garbage scrap, not real food.
8) PIZZA= too many bad situation memories
9) BACON= CNC trauma

✳TRIGGERS put you into FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN!!!


"FEAR" FOODS are ACTIVELY tied to TRAUMA and/or seen as an IMMINENT DEATH RISK.
● BACON is BOTH; I fear that eating pig is morally fatal (OT laws & symbolism); if I eat it then I will BECOME a pig. I also fear that it's "unhealthy," which has NO "wiggle room"; if I eat it I WILL have clogged arteries & I CAN'T "UNDO IT" or "take it back." It's PERMANENT DAMAGE. There is NO MERCY with food fears!! It's ABSOLUTE, IRREVOCABLE, & ultimately FATAL. But the worst fear here IS the "IDENTITY CORRUPTION" through "CHOOSING" to CONSUME it; it's DIRECTLY TIED to SXABUSE. if I "let the pig in," it will TAKE OVER & DEVOUR ME like a PARASITE and "I" WON'T EXIST ANYMORE-- or worse, if I DO, it'll be like having a YEERK.
● BACON is ALSO historically tied to SXABUSE EVENTS, so FLASHBACKS OCCUR INEVITABLY. Preparation CAN slightly assuage this by triggering different memories (like mom making it at home), BUT the very "FACT" of bacon consumption HAPPENED at "THOSE TIMES" is undeniable & CANNOT BE TURNED OFF.
● PIGS in general are frightening MORALLY, because I see them SYMBOLICALLY. They represent, & "therefore MANIFEST," FILTH, UNCLEANLINESS, GLUTTONY, BOORISHNESS? They're "ANIMALISTIC" in the sense of "TOTAL DEPRAVITY," plump & mud-caked, rolling in filth & digging their face INTO it in ORDER to eat, snorting & oinking & squealing, stinking horribly, laying inert & sated in the mud, & looking "suggestive" with their pink, taut, round, FAT (plump) bodies, hairy & dirty & fleshy. They "look like the filth of sex." The food/ eating is SECONDARY, almost an OUTGROWTH. The MAIN horror about pigs is SEX & FILTH. They just "PROJECT/ INFLICT" that ONTO eating, because EATING, ALWAYS, IN & OF ITSELF, IS "SEXUAL." It's inherently "erotic." (Discuss that LATER) So PIGS are ABHORRENT & SCANDALOUS, BECAUSE they are so FILTHY WITH FOOD WHILE BEING SO "ANIMALISTICALLY SEXUAL." They're DEHUMANIZING in totality & so IF I EAT ONE, I'M TAKING THAT INTO ME AND IT BECOMES MY BODY, which therefore DEHUMANIZES ME AND I CAN'T "TAKE IT BACK/ GET IT OUT." (THE ONLY HOPE IS TO PURGE)
✳MATTHEW 15:11 & 17-20!!! GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD AND HEART! Study it extensively if you have to, but THE PIG CANNOT "MAKE YOU EVIL"!!!
● Last trauma we haven't discussed= ham is what I associate with grandma's death AND MY FAILURE TO BE THERE FOR HER ON THAT LAST EASTER, because HAM is what I ate that "SET OFF" THAT FATAL BINGE THAT LANDED ME IN THE E.R. & TOOK ME FROM HER. But... look at Matthew again. You're SHIFTING BLAME. YOU BINGED ON HAM.The PIG didn't sin OR cause YOU to! It COULD have been OFFERED to GOD as a JOYFUL CELEBRATION of LIFE like Easter "feasts" are SUPPOSED to. BUT even that WORD is "evil" & disgusting & I HATE it. WHY. = it's because in my mind/ experience, "feasts" are ALWAYS gluttonous, & eating "too much" is PUNISHED EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT OR WERE JUST THAT HUNGRY OR WERE EATING IN GRATITUDE. "Feast" means you are WATCHED & SUSPECTED & CRITICIZED & SHAMED & PUNISHED & even RATIONED. The "joy" is FORCIBLY LIMITED & therefore HOLLOW. There's NO ABUNDANCE.
● Weirdly but DIRECTLY & VITALLY RELATED is actually the GRINCH story. I hated it as a kid because the Whos were PORTRAYED & DESCRIBED as GENUINELY GOOD & NICE & FRIENDLY, and so when THEY feasted it WAS JOYFUL & GRATEFUL & ABUNDANT, & they ate as TRUE FAMILY in FRIENDSHIP together... but I had no comprehension of that as a kid. It "looked" hypocritical & performative to me because THAT'S ALL I KNEW. And I felt like the Grinch, who I ALSO "hated" AS A RESULT because he was described as UTTERLY GROSS & REPREHENSIBLE, and if "he was LIKE ME," then THAT HORRID SONG WAS ABOUT ME. And I heard the WHOS singing it, like I heard my family. And that DISSONANCE was intolerable. There they were, happy & FEASTING, yet SINGING ABOUT HOW UGLY I WAS & how they DETESTED ME & wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, WHILE SMILING & EATING, and I was outside in the cold, unwanted & unwelcome & HUNGRY for not just food but LOVE & COMMUNITY & MERCY & WELCOME, but they were FEASTING on it & although THERE WAS PLENTY TO SHARE WITH ME, TOO, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE FED. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE PART OF THEM & THEIR LIFE. I'm unlovable. I'm inherently undesirable and I'm filthy. And that MAKES you a "grinch." It also means eating scraps of garbage & that becoming YOUR "normal."


✳God GAVE me PORK CARNITAS for lunch IMMEDIATELY after I wrote that ↑ & they were WONDERFUL! NO FEAR!! Which SHOCKED me. PORK is SAFE?? Ham & bacon AREN'T? At least in theory.
+ ADDING to this, God ALSO gave us APPLESAUCE... and similarly it was only "half triggering" & in DIFFERENT WAYS that I DIDN'T THEORIZE?? It also WASN'T SCARY, just a challenge. The SCARY/ DISTURBING part was the TEXTURE, & having to eat it with a spoon. It's the MESS, the SLOP, the LACK OF STRUCTURE/ FORM?? And spoons are TOTALLY chaotic, haha. There's NO SOLIDITY. But THAT'S a question = I'm aware of & dealing with the sticky/ crumbs/ spills/ etc. struggles, but the TEXTURE & FORMLESSNESS? Where is THAT rooted? Wait are they BOTH related to CHILDHOOD??? Is it tied to fear of PUNISHMENT for BEING MESSY? It also feels like "ROT" fear, like leaving food out on the counter or in the refrigerator for so long that it DOES turn to mush/ slop, and you STILL HAVE TO EAT IT?? Also, some part of me DOESN'T RECOGNIZE "LIQUIDS" AS FOOD. "Firm" things like jello & pudding don't count UNTIL/ UNLESS they start to MELT. Then the "degradation" fear happens. It's SO disturbing. And yet I don't think soup does this! Is it the WATERY NATURE that makes it safe? That seems legit actually. This concept might be "instinctive disgust" then, related to fear of eating rotten/ spoiled/ rancid food. ALSO the DENATURING. Juice in a cup is SO far removed from the reality of a fruit that it triggers some sort of kneejerk revulsion. My brain doesn't register ultraprocessed "food" as edible at ALL when that fact is apparent. And BTW YOU ARE NOT "OBLIGATED" TO FORCE-EAT THOSE FOODS AFTER DISCHARGE!! You SHOULD be choosing WHOLE FOODS to ACTUALLY FEED & NOURISH your poor body at last! Yes you CAN have something a bit processed when you eat out with mom, or when it would be MORE PRUDENT TO eat such food in a pinch or social situation; those foods ARE ALLOWED STILL; they CAN STILL BE OFFERED TO GOD IN GRATEFUL PRAISE, & they AREN'T "EVIL" OR "UNCLEAN"! You CAN worship God BY eating a bag of chips & fastfood sandwich IF you are doing so WITH the HONEST INTENTION to NOURISH YOUR BODY the BEST YOU CAN in that situation, ESPECIALLY if the EDIFICATION OF/ COMMUNION WITH OTHERS IS INVOLVED, and to DO ALL OF IT FOR GOD'S GLORY, WITH LOVE & THANKS & PRAISE FOR THE GIFT OF FOOD & LIFE & HEALING. Live FOR ETERNITY, even right now!


✳ WHY is there still so much AVERSION, perhaps a deeper FEAR, towards FRUIT FLAVORS? and fruit CUPS & JUICE?? Is this fear as applicable to those SAME fruits when FRESH? Why or why not? WHAT is CAUSING this distinction? IS IT GLOBAL or PARTICULAR?
1) Putting ANYTHING in one of those PLASTIC CUPS for "SNACKS" feels DEGRADING?? Like a "stripping of dignity." Does it make me feel like an animal? What about TEXTURE? Because APPLESAUCE isn't just "scary," it feels almost DEHUMANIZING. Like if I eat it, I'm placed in a position BELOW the dignity/ respect/ rights of a "real/ normal" person??? Is that because of the "processed/ artificialized/ denatured" aspect of ROBBING the FORM from the food & putting the resulting mush in a plastic cup? mass processed & utterly detached from TRUTH & nature as it was CREATED? and making ME eat THAT is DAMNING MY BODY/ SOUL/ FORM to the SAME???

Absolute hell morning.

Woke up at 8? Fell back asleep, because we were abruptly re-awoken by the building maintenance guy randomly knocking on our door at 9am, to clean our shower drain.
I remember this because there is one flashbulb moment of us in pajamas, with this guy pouring a vile-smelling white sludge into said drain, then telling us to leave it there for a few hours.

We had barely gotten 5 hours of sleep at this point, but there was no way we were getting any more, as the bathroom is adjacent to the bedroom and the whole place now reeked like a chemical spill.
We opened the windows wide, dragged out the fans and plugged them in, then sat down on the living room couch with a n95 mask and a blanket over our head.
we couldn't breathe very well like that but at least it didn't smell like inhaling poison. we couldn't leave the house as we couldn't wash up, so all we could do was try to sleep and pray.

we were so exhausted and stressed out we "blackout slept" on and off until church at 1130.
i assume we did use the bathroom sink? were we holding our breath? there is literally NO memory between sitting on the couch and being in church

today was stations. unfortunately, today the organist decided to play a guitar instead????
now i apologize but we loathe acoustic guitars, especially in church, for synaesthetic reasons. they are literally painful to hear. they are a flatsharp yellow-orange sound, in a terrible sort of sideways triangle shape jumble. like auditory doritos, but made out of knives being jammed into your eardrums. horrid stuff. i'm sorry this is how our brain works.
amusingly as it sounds in hindsight, we "offered it up" as part of the stations of the cross, haha. also as a pride-killer, as our stupid intrusive girlthoughts like to pipe up "we're such a good singer!!" when really we sound like a laryngitic mule. they're emptyheaded snits and it is so exhausting to always have this battery of vapid arrogance twittering in the background, when we're in social situations (and therefore cut off from system coherency).

we couldn't stay to pray afterwards because they were setting up the church for palm Sunday. so we went down the street to SJE, our favorite church-- the inside feels like a soul sanctuary; it's cold and vast and solitary and full of shadow-color light. BUT there was someone sitting in the back of the church?? and THEN the cleaning guy came in with a legit power vacuum sort of thing, to clean the floors. so we couldn't even pray there, because social mode infliction was deafening and our brain cannot internally focus in that environment, due to instinctive survival terror.

went to get some shopping done instead, as we had to bide time to let the apartment air out.
we had, however, forgotten reusable shopping bags. we had to use cardboard boxes instead.
we just got some basic items, not much, which is good because we were SO DISSOCIATIVE we couldn't even talk to genesis. everything was a muddy blur. the combined sleep deprivation and stress was not helping.
even so, two different dudes asked to help us carry our armloads of grocery boxes, haha. it was super nice.

catholic radio was ranting about the "transgender agenda" again. it has been on EVERY TIME i turn on the radio and it's beginning to frighten me. there's so much anger, so much force. i'm not asking anyone to "change their beliefs"-- no, catholicism is supposed to stand as a rock. what i am wishing for is more empathy, more compassion, for those of us who AREN'T part of the "rainbow brigade" doing all that scandalously lascivious garbage to children, but who WERE children when we realized we WERE trans, WITHOUT ANY OUTSIDE INFLUENCE. we're quietly trying to survive while all this insanity roars around us. and yeah, a lot of us are catholic too. i wish that was recognized and discussed, instead of just "all these transgenders are caught in the devil's trap" because lord knows i can't shut this off. i've tried. i've tried. but doing so would be more of a lie than living as the opposite binary option.
the whole thing makes me sick.  I don't want to associate with the "lgbtq" movement at ALL but I can't deny the dysphoria that haunts me every waking moment.

got home for 230, and the apartment smelled okay thank GOD

even so, we were a total mess. shambles mentally.
Trying to undress & unpack & clean & pray all at once
Stressed & exhausted. wanted to cry but no emotion. so depleted we were numb.

Finally BK prep at 333
Very hard for anyone to front. julie really the only one getting any anchors down, we were all riding on that foundation.
Then RIGHT when we finally get together and start the eggs, MOM CALLS.
felt like someone had popped a balloon in our solar plexus. horrific washed-out shock. could not handle any more stress. don't even remember answering the phone. the hard shift from "finally headspace" to social mode hell was unbearable. wanted to die.

God is throwing me all over the place today and I'm struggling so much. Honestly I don't know if He's just purposely pushing my patience to the limit or what, but it's just showing me how weak and stupid and frustrated I am, and I really just want to collapse.
By the way, when I talk like that^ I have no real sense of identity. it's all a bodyvoice and it's all the flat-affect female voice and then people wonder why I'm so terrified is being seen as female? because this absolutely vicious Lack of self is all the only thing it means.

but God, please, I'm so tired. i don't even have the strength to think.

PROMISED Xennie I'd go to living Stations with her
Did so, it was ALL KIDS, oddly very poignant that way. jarring to see everything being done with children-- the trial, the cross, the nails. really made it hit home in a different sense.
Then went straight to home church for traditional stations, haha. we miss those. haven't gone to our church so far this lent because of schedule trouble. but tonight it worked.
we miss it, really. they don't make the church as dark as they used to when we were a kid. probably because our parishioners are so much older now and can't see in the dark, but still... there was something very sacred about all the shadow, pierced only by the candles which we frequently had the honor of carrying.
so many of our favorite childhood memories are religious, and tinged with the scents of candleflame and incense and churchwood. honestly our heart lives in those memories.
makes me think of our "cathedral," and how it has been inaccessible and even undetectable since cnc, if not before. everything collapsed, even the city itself. but... perhaps that was for the best. we were a disaster in the slc/cnc eras, and our faith was a gullible twisted parody of truth. now, though, we're able to see roots through the rubble. we need to put more sincere, dedicated time into that, soon. just meditation hours in headspace like we used to. remember things. discover things. be.

Dinner late, no memory of it whatsoever

Night archiving
YT HELL DISTRACTIONS for an hour though
all i remember watching for sure was some sth fandub, which admittedly did make us laugh aloud at a few points (a notable feat, considering how numb i mentioned we are) BUT the rest of it had such filthy language and filthier jokes that we wanted to throw up. closed everything off and walked away from the computer tempted to literally do so. disgusted with the world. how and why are people even like that.

Ended the night reading old Xangas & listening to "Violent Sun" with Laurie.
...really, that was the golden lining of everything today. i was so beaten-down by life, that when everything turned to the merciful night silence, and our body and mind could rest, i was so thoroughly bruised that everything ached. so, listening to raw data feel, and noticing that so many of the lyrics were as relevant as swords in my ribs, i just...
...lately i've been spending a lot of time with laurie, all things considered. even if it's only a few seconds here and there, even if it's just her checking in to make sure i'm okay, even if it's just her quietly standing behind me at night and asking me what i'm doing, when are you going to get some sleep, kid is there anything i can do to help, even if it's just glimpses like galaxy-arms in a distant telescope she's there.
i don't remember exactly what i did or said other than aching. my heart hurt so much it was the most real thing i had felt in weeks probably. but there was too much bruise-tender hope in this song, it caught me entirely off guard, and it was singing about her, how often does that happen, especially for this lunatic, this error, i'm too old to be crying but here we are.
i think i just looked at her, just for a moment. can't stare at the sun for too long. solar flares in my chest.
just. please. don't forget. at like 2 in the morning, with the music encapsulating the world, still standing behind me, i heard that violet voice speak in response to my everything,
"hey, kid, for the record... I'm in love with you too."


(i made her promise, don't you dare change. don't be like all the others. don't let those words change anything between us. because nothing has changed, there's just a light shining on the heart of it now.)
(she grinned at me like a knife, the way i love, and promised to keep that blessed edge forever.)

For lack of a better term: all these individuals were the "default fronter" in musical settings, and may have been splinter cores. Nevertheless the ties to music as a whole speak to a great significance in the System function.

(later note: yeah we started this for music but it's become SO MUCH MORE than that. still, music is an unexplored and important anchor, ESPECIALLY FOR MEMORY.)

(another note: SOME OF THESE KIDS (like jarda & jheriz) WERE OBVIOUSLY NOT CORES. THEY HAD HYPERSPECIFIC FRONTING CIRCUMSTANCES, usually tied TO their music banks. That means there WAS a Bloodline EXTANT PARALLEL TO THEM.)

(AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT NOTE: I was wondering why there seem to be frontliners that ONLY fronted for musical circumstances? Well that is ACTUALLY CORRECT. They existed as a very specific subspecie of corpufoni, MEANT to be COMPLETELY ISOLATED from ALL other bodybased activity, INCLUDING THE SOCIALS. These unique "music fronters" literally existed ONLY to listen to music. That was HOW WE SURVIVED. They existed in this bubble of wonder and untouched joy that probably kept us alive during the trauma that we were completely unable to process at the time.)

------------------------------------------

ARTISTS THAT NEED TO FIND THEIR ASSOCIATED CORE/PSEUDO/SOCIAL &/OR DEFINITIVE TIME PERIOD(S):

• COUSTEAUX
• EW&F (definitely an elementary kid, but when?)
• The Flashbulb (iTunes era?)
• Jukebox the Ghost (BEFORE the massacre)
• Beirut (Last.fm era for sure)
• Brian Setzer (high school obsession, but whom?)
• Empire of the Sun (BEFORE SLC??)
• Everything Everything (BEFORE Scalpel)
• Daley (NIGHT FRONTER.)
• Allen Stone (Flairousia summer)
• Imogen Heap (Oneircia era)
• Hauschka
• Bersarin Quartett (very unique era and particular person)
• Orson (One of the radio kids?)
• PUNCH BROTHERS (I know it was Jay, but when?)
• Hiatus Kaiyote

SUPER OLD "ORIGINAL KID?" MEMORIES: 1993-1995?? The absolute earliest child. The spark of every flame to come after.
"JESSILYN." The ORIGINAL given-name kiddo and honestly the ONLY person with the RIGHT to that name. I don't think we had any pseudonyms at this point because we didn't see ourself as an individual yet, and certainly not "human." We kinned dragons & unicorns & bats & pterosaurs. Our color was magenta. It was a very different time of life.
Liked Winnie the Pooh, Mighty Mouse, the Pink Panther, Babar, Dudley the Dragon, and the MAGIC KISSING DRAGONS (1994). We remember seeing those IN STORES and begging mom for them.
Very sweet kid. DREW THE "BABY EATERS" THOUGH.
We have very little first-person EXTERNAL memory of being this child. What we do remember has to do with either extreme emotions (those baby-eaters) or our IMAGINATION, notably with our "DREAM FRIENDS"-- at this point being Unisalia, My Cobra & his band, and the original JEWEL ALIENS & JEWEL DINOSAURS!!!
Her music largely comes from listening to cassette tapes in bed with grandma.
"Solid anchor in HOME, no internal self-presence yet. Her life clung hard to every warm note of safety she heard in these songs.”

• ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK
• PAUL ANKA
• ANDY WILLIAMS
• NEIL SEDAKA
• BARRY MANILOW
• RITA COOLIDGE

OLDEST MEMORIES: 1996-1997? 1995-1998? Pre-social childhood.
"ARBUTUS" codename. Sense of self tied to CHILDHOOD HOME LIFE. Key "image" is the arbutus flowers in the yard when we went exploring, and the wisteria bush outside our bedroom window. Also tied to the scent of the cream-flower bedding, the old yellow rug, the ivory cushion bench we would hide stuff in, the old standup bathroom mirror, etc. ANCIENT memories.
INDOORS & NON-SOCIAL CORE!!!! Also MAGENTA CORE?
EXTREMELY CREATIVE KID, because living inside & without social contact/ close parenting, her days were saturated with MEDIA. She is NOT anchored in the home, but in that MEDIA!!
Her music still comes from listening to cassette tapes in bed with grandma, mostly. We had virtually no other non-movie exposure.
DRAGONHEART WAS 1996 AND WE REMEMBER IT!!!
She also has ties to HERCULES (toys were 1996), GUMBY (1995), PRETTY PIGGIES, CARE BEARS, STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE, FERNGULLY, WE'RE BACK, THE SECRET OF NIMH, THE LAST UNICORN, THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER, and THE LAND BEFORE TIME (ozzy and strut are an injoke TO THIS DAY).
Don't forget the oddly notable impact we also had from the Chipmunks Adventure, Pooh's Grand Adventure, the Rescuers, Tubby the Tuba, Raggedy Ann & Andy's Musical Adventure, and the Jetsons movie!
Books were ANIMORPHS (1996), WHISPER THE UNICORN, "THE DRAGONS ARE SINGING TONIGHT," and "DRAGONS AROUND THE WORLD." All hugely influential.
She ALSO had the FIRST VIDEO GAME EXPOSURE with ECCO THE DOLPHIN!!!
POKEMON DID NOT EXIST YET!!!!!
LEAGUEWORLDS WERE MY COBRA, ZIMBO THE ALIEN, THE SNEAKERS, and THE UNICORNS

• Kid's movie soundtracks

SCHOOL MEMORIES BEGIN: 1998-2000?
"WISTERIA". COLOR SHIFTED FROM PINK TO PURPLE. This kid has LIFE in her!
She shares house-environment feelings with Arbutus, BUT THIS KID ALSO HAS SOCIAL MEMORY. Arbie did NOT.
Pokemon hit at last, and schoolmates start to bring their music in.
LOTS OF BOOKS AND TELEVISION, from the school library and mom, respectively.
This was BEFORE video games became a solid part of our life!!! So there was NO STABLE "FOUNDATION" TO BLOOM FROM at this point, BUT we could feel it when Pokemon started arriving on classmate's lunchables boxes, haha.
Her sense of self was SHIFTING & FRAGMENTED and we saw only glimpses of it in her creative writing.
THIS WAS THE FURBY KID (CHRISTMAS 1998)!!!
SHE ALSO LOVED TAMAGOTCHI ANGELS (1998), DIGIMON (JAN 1998), BEANIE BABIES (BATTY WAS 1997, STINGER WAS 1998), MLP G2 (1998), ASTEROIDS PS1 (1998; arguably our FIRST GAMES), A BUG'S LIFE (1998), and STAR TREK VOYAGER (8472 into 1998).
SHE ALSO HAD A "POCKET PIKACHU" (1999) AND TOOK IT EVERYWHERE.
Also Jason & the Argonauts?? I think this was when mom started to show us more "adult" movies.
BOOKS were mainly ANIMORPHS, Goosebumps, but also THE PRINCE OF WHALES!!!!

• 101 STRINGS???
• Lying on mom's bed and listening to "Instrumental Gold" on loop with the bros
• Some stuff from mom & dad: the Beatles, Kenny Loggins, Jeff Beck, Bruce Mitchell, etc.
• Bruce Mitchell

THE VERY FIRST JEWEL LIGHTRAYE: 2000-2002?
WE FINALLY GAIN A DISTINCT & TRUE SENSE OF SELF and she's a RED CORE.
Moralimon is our LIFE at this point.
MARCH 2000 WE MET CELEBI!!!!
JULY 2000 WAS THE POKEMON 2000 MOVIE. This was referenced in the POKEWORLD-WAR JOURNALS.
OCTOBER 15TH 2000 WAS POKEMON SILVER. We bought it ASAP after the release.
APRIL 2001 WAS THE THIRD MOVIE. WE REMEMBER SEEING IT!!!! That is UNHEARD OF!!!
THIS WAS ALSO WHEN WE GOT KLONOA and that CHANGED OUR ENTIRE LIFE
Other games: RIPTO'S RAGE was HUGE (2000), also Rayman? (1999), Buzz Lightyear (2000), and the racing games we would just go wild with haha. We'd customize cars for Moralimon and then purposely drive backwards on the track SOLELY to smash into other cars in the most dramatic way possible.
BIONICLE WAS 2001!!!! That was an ABSOLUTELY MONUMENTAL INFLUENCE TOO.
So were our books-- this era included A WIND IN THE DOOR, YOUNG WIZARDS, THE SEVENTH TOWER, DELTORA QUEST, and BALINOR!!
WALKMAN DAYS!! ALSO the days of the MIXTAPES!!!
SHE WORE THE POCKET PIKACHU 2 (2001) EVERYWHERE. That was attached to our belt, nonstop, for YEARS. She adored it.
THIS WAS THE TIME PERIOD OF THE WS MUSIC CAMP, aka our HUGE CRUSH ON HOLLI, and the FIRST TIME WE SANG. We were hooked for life, on both choir and cute chicks, haha.
ALSO, REMEMBER, STARTING AUGUST 2001 WAS POKEMON CRYSTAL AND WE HAVE CARDIOPHAGY MEMORIES TIED TO THAT. This Jewel was the REAL DEAL, ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
Lastly, the most important distinction to remember with this kid? SHE WAS NOT A TEENAGER, and she was NOT INTERACTIVE ONLINE!!!! SHE SPENT ALL HER TIME TYPING FOR THE LEAGUE.
Jewel was an absolute creative force; her imagination was unstoppable.

• The key to remembering her tunes: JEWEL MONSTERS. Probably lots of mom-given stuff.
• BASIA & GLORIA were BOTH Moralimon "karaoke" songbanks.
• Windham Hill samplers
• Yanni
• GEORGE WINSTON
• WINDHAM HILL
• "PREMIERE" piano album
• ELO???? Remember it was first the OST for SYNDOULOID!!!!! Try to feel out those memories for a timestamp!

arguably "CRYSTAL"??? the first SOCIAL SPLINTER of a Jewel??? 2001-2002??
Although existing at the same time as Jewel, JEWEL WAS INTERNALLY BASED. She existed vividly, but ONLY IN LEAGUE CONTEXTS!!! On the outside, SOMEONE ELSE WAS FRONTING WITH FAMILY & SCHOOL. We're thinking THIS is that kid.
Her music is therefore influenced by WHAT MOM PLAYED WHEN DRIVING. I think the key distinction would be that THESE songs WERE LARGELY NOT TIED TO THE LEAGUE (they didn't often match the vibe)-- and we ONLY HEARD THEM WHILE IN A CAR.
She is also POWERFULLY TIED TO THAT MUSIC CAMP as a result of the drives up & back.

• BASIA, notably "The Sweetest Illusion," during that awful porch summer with mom cleaning
• Grand Funk Railroad
• Eagles
• Boston
• Oliver
• k d lang??

THE "RUBY" JEWEL: 2002-2003?
Her time period is SUPER INTERESTING.
On one hand, SHE was the kid who FIRST got the crushes on RYOU & MARIK, in which her vibe feels VERY similar to the original Jewel-- it was LEAGUE-BASED. She began to write CROSSOVER COMICS/FICS in which she was hailing FROM THE DREAM WORLD, AS A WORLDJUMPER. She was not yet "LINKED" to anyone yet; she was only just unspooling the thread!!!
Her personal journal (the "daffodil" one) became MANIC in tone in 2004, BUT IMMEDIATELY PRIOR IN 2003, it was MARKEDLY sweeter and more sentimental, and it is ALSO where she drew herself sitting under that tree WITH RIO, with her Klonoa hair BUT in her "NEW OUTFIT". Even then we remember feeling a personality-anchor change inside. Her personality was SPLITTING and it was VERY OBVIOUS.
SHE WAS A TEEN AND IDENTIFIED AS SUCH. THE ORIGINAL JEWEL DID/DOES NOT!!!
SHE ALSO STOPPED TYPING for the most part, as her ENTIRE FUNCTION QUICKLY SHIFTED FROM THE LEAGUE TO HEARTSPACE!!!!!
WAS SHE THE ONE WHO STARTED THE "~thoughts~" FILE??? (HAD TO BE-- it was PKMN/LEAGUE aesthetics, and the first entry in there she IDENTIFIES AS CELEBI. GO CHECK DATES)
As for notable dates:
Yugioh began airing 2002, with Battle City beginning in NOVEMBER 2002. That was when we got into it; the previous Jewel AVOIDED IT out of "rivalry"; it was either YGO or PKMN and she chose the latter. (This is ALSO why we NEVER had a Digimon-core; our "exclusive loyalty" mindset prevented that)
Pokemon Ruby was also released in MARCH 2003. That was HER ANCHOR GAME. She also "had a crush on Blaziken" which is notable.
SHE WAS NOT INTO SONIC YET. SHE WAS STILL 100% POKEMON.
OH YEAH BUT SHE PLAYED STARCRAFT. That affected the League more than anything at first.
APRIL 27TH 2003 WAS THE CHER FAREWELL TOUR!!!
WE HAD A PURPLE BOOMBOX and a PORTABLE CD PLAYER as well as our trusty Walkman.
This kid BEGAN TO GO THROUGH MOM'S CD COLLECTION, which exposed us to SO MUCH NEW STUFF.
A HUGE DISTINCTION: THIS KID DIDN'T HAVE ACCESS TO INTERNET MUSIC YET!!!!!
HOWEVER WE WERE ONLINE NOW. She also started our NEOPETS ACCOUNT!
Don't forget, she was ALSO MORALIMON FOCUSED-- but THIS was when PART TWELVE HAPPENED, which shifted EVERYTHING in a much more emotionally raw direction. Also VEZ.
ALSO THIS WAS THE FIRST CORE TO OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGE BEING MULTIPLE!!! This was because HEARTSPACE OPENED UP and she began to exist as a person IN FIRST PERSON, instead of third!!!
LASTLY, remember how I mentioned Starcraft? THIS IS ALSO WHEN WE MET WALDORF!!!

• Pokemon OSTs
• CHER obviously
• ENRIQUE IGLESIAS (2002)
• LA BOUCHE???? I think that was HER, because SHE was the FIRST "radio kid" technically, but ALL HER TUNES WERE MORALIMON ASSIGNED. Not so for the later kids; that switched to HEARTSPACE!!!

CELEBI, NOT CELEBREON, WAS OUR POKE2/MEWACHU PRESENCE ONLINE.
Her vibe was tied to JEWEL, NOT HOSEKI.
2001-2002, arguably?
NO ONE HOLDS HER MEMORIES. Even when we visit her old websites, WE HAVE NO FIRST-PERSON RECALL. Her vibe is TOTALLY DIFFERENT than anyone else's. Literally NO ONE HOLDS THOSE MEMORIES BUT HER. They are shockingly hyper-exclusive.
WE WERE FULLY AWARE SHE WAS "SOMEONE ELSE" IN OUR HEAD. We clearly remember CHANNELING writing "from her perspective" and being disconcerted as to "why it didn't sound/feel like us." SWITCHINESS BRO. But yeah this was 2002.
Remember she was LEAGUE-ANCHORED and LIVED IN THE MORALIMON WORLD.

• I THINK SHE WAS THE ONE OBSESSED WITH "CELTIC" STUFF??? (Bruce Mitchell)

The FIRST Jewel-splinter took over as the "main" Social, and that was CELEBREON!!!
HER time period was 2004.
Remember we were ACTIVELY IDENTIFYING AS NONHUMAN DURING THIS TIME-- when we tried to draw ourself AS "JEWEL," IT DIDN'T PING. (Remember the "Christmas outfit" existential crash!) WHICH IS BIZARRE BUT HUGELY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER.
She feels UNIQUELY SEPARATE from ALL the "Jewel" splinters!!!!
Her memories begin in LATE SEVENTH GRADE and STOP IN EIGHTH GRADE!!!!
ALSO. Remember this was when we wrote PaRS for school, and we were a self-insert... AS CELEBREON.

• CHER. For some reason SHE feels tied to that era even moreso than Ruby.

THE "SPINNINGCANNON" BLOODLINE IS BORN: 2004
TECHNICALLY A TEMPORARY BLOODLINE NAME "SHIFT" TO "HOSEKI"???

(THERE ARE DISTINCTIONS HERE THAT NEED TO BE CLARIFIED. THERE WERE SEVERAL INDIVIDUALS HERE-- THE "JEWEL" BASE, THE HOSEKI SHIFT, AND BLACKBERRY)

HOSEKI = “2004? The end of the GBA era, as we moved into the internet era. The first SHIFT in the Jewel bloodline.”

BLACKBERRY = “2004! Our first fully online Core, after Hoseki laid the foundation. But this kid was FULL TIME ANIME.”
SHE WAS “MEW BLACKBERRY.” I THINK this is also the “Jewel” that drew herself with Genesis in the old diary?? She looked TOTALLY DIFFERENT from anyone before.
Also, WAS "BLACKBERRY" OUR "FLCL" KID???
They were NOTABLY out around CHRISTMAS, listening to the OSTS, which were released in LATE 2004, and we remember someone buying it NEW at FYE. So this was LATE 2004- LATE 2005, and this is a VERY DISTINCT VIBE. 
WE KNEW GENESIS in that vague memory when we were blasting "Penalty Life" while putting up the Christmas tree with grandma!


JEWEL-SPCN = “2004. Chaos 0 and J-Rock. Our heart was waking up.”


OUR FIRST FULLY "ONLINE" CORE. ALSO OUR FIRST "VIDEO GAME" CORE!!!
LOTS OF ANIME EXPOSURE. "Sailor X," "Mew Blackberry," etc.
Her main distinction is that she was SELF-ANCHORED. ALL of her true associations were LINKS. If she got into a fandom, she LITERALLY "GOT INTO" IT!!!
Starting to branch out into "non-family" music, thanks to the internet AND now having BOTH permission to be more "free" in public AND an earned "allowance" to buy stuff at Waldenbooks & FYE (instead of Pokemon cards, which the previous Jewel spent her music cash on).
HUGE shift in personality; with high school on the horizon, and queer feelings under the rug, this kid was a quick but notable "break" from the "Ruby" Jewel, shifting hard focus from the LEAGUE to FANDOMS.
Remember her Freewebs site; she was SHEER HYPER MANIA... BUT WITH MANIA COMES RAGE.
SHE WAS OUR FIRST EVER "CORE" TO HAVE A DARK SIDE.
This was also the SONIC CHAT era, which says a LOT about her state of mind.
MEDIA: FFI, SONIC BATTLE, BIONICLE MASK OF LIGHT, STARCRAFT BROOD WAR, DOKAPON, SONIC ADVANCE 3!!! She also got Pokemon Emerald but DIDN'T LIKE IT. She also CLEARLY "REMEMBERS" NOT FEELING LIKE THE SAME "JEWEL" FROM RUBY. She even named her team differently, which was MONUMENTAL.
MANGA & ANIME: SAILOR MOON, FLCL, CHRONO CRUSADE, TOKYO MEW MEW, DI GI CHARAT, X/1999, GUNDAM SEED, DRAGONBALL Z. Just learning what anime was and we LOVED IT.
THIS WAS THE SONIC INVERSION YEAR, when it became a legit World of its own.
This was ALSO the "CHIBIKERRIGAN" YEAR.
IT'S ALSO THE LOTR & POTC YEAR, and those four latter fandoms were ALL BONDING WITH VIRAL.
Something else that's key: I THINK SHE FIRST WORE THE "CATHEDRAL BURST" GLITTER SHIRTS??? and stuff from "FANG" and "SELF ESTEEM." Absolute glittery Y2K fashion, with dragon belts and anime hair and spandex jeans with oversized sneakers.  it was awesome.
HOWEVER. SHE WAS NOT "IN LOVE"... AT FIRST. You remember the written chats with AMG; even then, SHE WAS TOO MANIC, even DELUSIONAL, and almost VIOLENT at times. 
We really didn't "fall in love" deep until we started work, and our entire System's fronting mechanism had to change, making a VERY HEAVY BREAK between "socials" and "dreamers," as it were. But that comes later!
This kid was too wild. She was obsessed with Skitty, Deoxys, and Jirachi. She liked Marik because HE was wild, too. She WANTED TO BE HARUKO HARUHARA.
HOWEVER don't forget that this kid was ALSO CLOSET QUEER. She was getting feelings for girls A LOT now, and deep down she DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ONE-- hence that "magazine epiphany" that rocked her world and PROBABLY BROKE HER FUNCTION CLEAN TO PIECES.
Honestly there was a LOT GOING ON PERSONALITY-WISE during this time. We KNEW there were "other people" in our head, INCLUDING CELEBI, JULIE, WALDORF, "MY THREE," AND ARGUABLY LAURIE. And we EXPLICITLY WROTE IN A JOURNAL THAT (EFFECTIVELY) "JEWEL IS THE REAL ME, BUT I'M NOT ME ON THE OUTSIDE." We remember struggling to try to explain to people why we "didn't act like ourself," and how existentially terrifying that was, to not be able to control who we were in public. We HATED the dissonance. But we KNEW there were splits. 
As a result THIS time period is going to be the HARDEST to pinpoint musically, but once we do, that is going to shed a LOT of light on things. Expect much typing.

• SPINNINGCANNON (the one who wrote music and drew on Bitmap? she WAS MANIC at first): Freewebs & Geocities BGMs. Chrono Trigger, Studio Ghibli, Sailor Moon... stuff we heard playing on other people's websites. Golden memories, honestly. It was like a whole world in there.
• SEAL, BUT ENTIRELY BY ACCIDENT. I wonder if that even stuck with us yet?
• THE KILLERS???? Remember that was a MORALIMON ALBUM! but it also HELD OUR "DARKER" EDGE, something VERY NEW AND IMPORTANT.
• FLCL OST and "the pillows" in general. Our "J-Rock" intro phase was CRUCIAL. It marked the BIG SHIFT in our Jewel-core's heart as a result of FALLING IN LOVE WITH CHAOS 0. Remember those were HIS ALBUMS.
• L'ARC~EN~CIEL. This was Chaos's flagship album, and a milestone in our life.
• T.M.Revolution, which was HOSEKI'S vibe!! She loved everything Gundam; remember Sazabi & Bakunetsumaru???
• Basia's "Time and Tide" album because QUEER FEELINGS AHOY
• QUEEN, due to realizing that ONE SONG was in Japanese. I clearly remember this was during the "DEOKISHISU" era (2004 movie), and also Gollum-coughing constantly. That was the MOST MANIC WE'VE EVER BEEN.
• TODD RUNDGREN???? When exactly did he become central to our musicsphere? Remember Dad HID the albums "until we were older" but we snuck "Second Wind" off the top shelf one day and were IMMEDIATELY FLOORED. We looped it for MONTHS.

REMEMBER--- THE "SPINNINGCANNON" NAME ARGUABLY BECAME A BLOODLINE OF ITS OWN ONCE WE BECAME MORE SOCIALLY ACTIVE ONLINE, ESPECIALLY ON DEVIANTART!!!!! HER ULTIMATE PERSONALITY WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM THE MANIC HOSEKI ROOTS!!!

THE FIRST SPINNINGCANNON WAS THE KID WHO WAS ALWAYS ON NOTEWORTHY COMPOSER??? I assume so because THAT'S HOW SHE SIGNED EACH TRACK. She wrote some darn good stuff too!
She LIVED ON THE COMPUTER and THAT is her key distinction from Hoseki. Spinny spent ALL her time looking and creating, personally and quietly. Hoseki spent her time TALKING AND HEARTSPACING.
BY THE WAY... WE STILL HAVE THE WINDOWS 98 IN OUR CLOSET... WITH ALL HER FILES. GET A FREAKIN' KEYBOARD & SCREEN AND LET'S BOOT THAT BABY UP


"spinningcannon" time period but OFFLINE??? 2003-2004.
Codename "JIRAI" because remember she SHIFTED FROM CELEBI/CELEBREON TO JIRACHI!!!!
Non-manic, quiet, secretive, sweet, candid, EMOTIONAL.
“Quiet mornings, quiet feelings. Our last "legendary girl", who fizzled out when high school hit hard. Introspective, sweet, candid, naive, mysterious, loving.”
NOT SOCIAL!!!! THEREFORE CAPABLE OF LOVE!!!!
DON'T EVER FORGET SKITTYGIRL, her very existence speaks VOLUMES as to the state of our innerself beneath the social mess. Hoseki DIDN'T DEAL WITH HER; that was all UNDER THE RADAR.
I THINK she was ALSO THE ONE WHO WROTE ALL THAT LOVE POETRY ON THE OLD COMPUTER???? She would listen to instrumental "new age"/piano music (mom's stuff) WHILE writing it, and I remember she saved it to that FLOPPY DISC WITH CELEBREON DRAWN ON IT. We were in elementary school still because it was lost on Ms. R's computer!!!

• KEANE???? That would mean SHE WAS OUR FIRST REAL SINGER???
• ENYA!!!
• MORE YANNI
• WINDHAM HILL??? Again, from mom.
• PAUL SCHWARTZ?

An UNEXPECTED person that we can ONLY place from album release dates-- someone from 2004-2005 with CAR MEMORIES who is TANGIBLY SHIFTING TO THE HIGH SCHOOL TIMELINE, BUT who is tied more to FAMILY??
Very unusual. Feel out their memories; they are NOTABLY unique.
Codename "JOBI" for obvious reasons-- also because they STILL had powerful ties to CELEBI.

• U2
• BON JOVI

++++++ELEMENTARY ENDS +++ HIGH SCHOOL STARTS+++++++


RADIO KID: 2004-2005?
"JHERIZ" codename.
WUSR Scranton fan.Oh my gosh that channel was a GOLDMINE.
She was SO UNIQUE. She was the FIRST kid to start DANCING, and to HAVE FUN when listening to music. We owe a lot to her, as a legit healthy Social frontrunner.
“Laughing, dancing, singing, feeling bright and happy and alive."

• The Aquabats
• Super Furry Animals
• "I CAN'T GET BEHIND THAT" and "show respect to Michael Jackson..."
• VHS OR BETA!!!
• SMASH MOUTH?
• IMA ROBOT?? Or were they starting to bleed into darker folks?
• TITO NIEVES! Remember we were low-key obsessed with Spanish music around this time!!

RADIO KID #2 2004-2005?
"JARDA" codename.
WUSR Scranton fan as well, but TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOOD. You can FEEL the switches BETWEEN these twins; they do NOT hold the same brainspace!!
This kid was KEY to our maturation internally; she was NOT A SOCIAL and she held some CANNON VIBES-- darker stuff that we were only now learning how to admit.
"Anthems and honesty. Learning how to speak truth in music. Driven, emotive, and anchored within-- a first step towards maturity.”

• HARD-FI
• THE KILLERS
• HOT HOT HEAT
• ROONEY
• THE HOOSIERS?
• IMA ROBOT?

THE "NIGHTMAREN" KID (2004-2005)
Codename "JESTER," because they were using "psychomaren97" as a username at first.
THIS IS WHOEVER MET GENESIS in 2005.
They were OBSESSED WITH NiGHTS INTO DREAMS & WTAHM / iMAGNiREALM, AND took MASSIVE PERSONALITY CUES from PARALOOP.NET!!!
They were INSANELY PROLIFIC and VERY active on deviantART BUT REMEMBER IT WAS ALL NiGHTS-BASED!!! That was their ANCHOR.

• The NiGHTS OST, OBVIOUSLY
• THE KLONOA OST. Although we had long loved the game, we didn't get our hands on the soundtrack until now. I remember we would listen to it on the bus, on Miriel, WITH GENESIS.
• TRiPPY's music.
• PHANTOM OF THE FREAKIN' OPERA. That was THE soundtrack to our NiGHTS spinoff for YEARS.
• ARGUABLY the KLONOA OST???? Remember we got a HUGE resurgence of love for the game AS ITS OWN THING, and became LEGIT OBSESSED WITH LORE

THE REAL "SPINNINGCANNON" (2005)
The username gained its OWN SOLID IDENTITY at this time.
TRIGUN, GENERAL GRIEVOUS, BARRY THE CHOPPER, AND ZATCH BELL.

• The Trigun OST, OBVIOUSLY
• SONIC ADVANCE OST???

THE BASILICA BUS KID!!!!! (2005?)
"JACILI" codename. KEYPOINT.
I mention them particularly because they hold the ONLY SOLID MEMORIES we have for ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL.
If we could ever find their old burned CDs, we'd be set for life, haha.

• Supertramp
• Chicago
• America?
• ZATCH BELL "character songs"??

"ROADTRIP MELANCHOLY" KID: 2006-2007
"JEANOVE" codename.
Long drives in the backseat, thunderstorms, feeling lost and unwanted.
"Long bitter car trips. Feeling estranged from reality. Melancholia. Detachment from family begins as it falls apart outside."
ALSO would shadow at work??? Any time we felt existentially hollow, she would show up.
NOTABLE "HOPEFUL EDGE" to this kid. They're not depressive-doomed; they're aching bitter. This was a very rough time of our life.
SHE WAS THE ONE OBSESSED WITH "1984" and "CATCH-22"!!!!

• Keane "THE IRON SEA"
• The Doves "SOME CITIES"
• Aqualung
• Coldplay? Only secondhand; we never owned the albums.
• SAM'S TOWN
• The Eels

"WORK & VACATION" KID: 2006-2007??
"JEVY" codename.
The "social flipcrash" to our feeling utterly gutted.
Transformers Cybertron, Davy Jones, Metroid, Niagara Falls, FMA, VIRTUAL ON. "Social mania" soaked into main. Very specific vibe, TIED TO FANDOMS.WAS THIS THE KID WHO STARTED RUNNING ALL THE TIME???
WAS THIS ALSO THE "KAIJU BIG BATTEL" KID?????

• ELO, notably "Secret Messages"
• STEELY DAN

"LIMEWIRE" KID. 2007.
Codename "JELIM." May or may not be her own person; she was NOT A SOCIAL though and LIVED INDOORS.
Giving her a very particular spot for now because we discovered some very particular stuff via the interwebs and most of it DOESN'T MATCH ANYONE ELSE.
"We discovered the internet was FULL OF MUSIC! This kid is anchored INDOORS, with almost no social exposure.”

• The Prodigy
• The Doves
• Frou Frou
• AMR DIAB!!! GOD BLESS THIS KID SHE GOT US HOOKED ON SOUTH ASIAN TUNES

LONG-HAIR "ANIMA/GAIA": 2007?
"AENIMA" codename.
"The inexplicably green girl with her eyes full of stars and her heart made of glass."
HUGE SHIFT in personality here, almost a FUGUE. Memories surrounding her are VIRTUALLY NONEXISTENT.
VERY particular mood. SCHOOL/ONLINE ONLY; she was NOT around the family???
Probably the MOST FEMALE "CORE" WE EVER HAD. And she actually resonated GREEN????
SHE WAS ALSO TECHNICALLY A MUTINEER; possibly the first one. REMEMBER SHE TRIED TO BOTH DENY AND "SEPARATE FROM THE SYSTEM", TO THE POINT OF LITERALLY MURDERING NATALIE AND LYNNE.

• Q-Lok's music
• THE EELS? I know Jheriz discovered them, but Aenima really stuck to that one song.
• One Year Yesterday??? We're trying to figure out where the heck they fit b/c there's like no memory attached to them; this MIGHT BE WHY. We're missing so much data from this time period, tragically.
• On that note, was SHE the one who listened to the Piano Tribute Players???

"WORK CRISIS" KID (2007)
"LUPINNE" codename.
Close to Cannon, but panicked. Less dark, more fear. VERY specific vibe, and clear, because existential terror makes the memory kick in!
DISTURBING undertone to everything. "Liminal" feeling to life.
"The first steps into the break. Harbinger of the Cannon era. Edges of psychosis beginning to show. Detaching from reality bit by bit."

• Boy Kill Boy
• The Drowners
• Minus the Bear
• LCD Soundsystem??

"ANOMALY" ERA: 2008.
"JANO" codename.
Cannon bloodline roots. DARK. Remember the bus ride to MOMA. High school ending, and we wanted to burn it all down and start over.
"Edges starting to show. Bus trips to NYC. Losing ties to the past. Slow burning anger we didn't understand.”
JTHM, INVADER ZIM, EVANGELION???
I THINK THIS IS WHEN THE SYSTEM WOKE UP FOR GOOD. WE HAD THE XANGA AT THIS TIME.

• Incubus
• Billy Talent
• Muse
• Alien Ant Farm

"JX7." 2008.
VERY STRANGE sudden shift. Semi-fugue??? ONLINE ONLY. Also GREEN!!
Obsessed with Pokemon.

• JAPANESE POKEMON ANIME + MOVIE OSTS

The "SYSTEM HEART" that SOMEHOW STILL EXISTED beneath all this. (2005-2008? In FRAGMENTS)
This person ONLY EXISTED IN PRIVATE, NONSOCIAL SETTINGS, but they were the TRUE HEART OF US. They "evolved" from whoever was with Genesis, as we got older and life got darker.

• JARVIS COCKER!!!!
• JOHN RUTTER!!! (Gloria: Vivace e Ritmico)

++++++HIGH SCHOOL ENDS +++ COLLEGE STARTS++++++


Another "work driver" kid, but the FIRST one with a "MARYWOOD" vibe. 2008.
"JEMU" codename.
Constant anxious burn beneath choking sadness. Feeling utterly displaced. Clinging to music, which was now becoming a real lifeline for us. Discovered iTunes.
"Existential split after college started. Long drives to work. Despair always lurking. No rage, no mania, only a wrenching sense of loss.”

• Sondre Lerche
• People in Planes?
• Rooney (second album)?
• VHS or Beta (second album)
• KILLERS DAY & AGE???

CANNON ERA: 2008-2009.
"Everything changed with her. Muted rage, muffled mania, mourning in blood. Gym rat, trauma truant, truth spitter. Fire in her very veins.”
NOT at night???
She had a WEIRD start.
WAS SHE THE ONE TIED TO WATCHMEN????

• MIDICRONICA, on loop at the gym while she burned off the rage
• "Burn It All Down" was her ANTHEM.
• Cubbiebear??? We were listening to that in 2012 though!! Was she still around or did SOMEONE ELSE pick it up???
•  

GLISSANDO ERA: 2008-2009.
Late nights on Apollo, blue city backgrounds, Jena's eyes, Dori's words. NIGHT ONLY.
"Rainy eyes, starry nights. Basically lived at our Macbook at 3am at the bar table.”

• The Books
• haruka nakamura? or was that someone else?
• Coldplay
• MAX RICHTER!!! We remember when "24 Postcards In Full Color" was RELEASED
• BENJAMIN BUTTON OST
• RAZ OHARA
• ERIC WHITACRE!!!

SPINZOR ERA: 2009-2010?
The OCT kid.
TOTAL MOODSHIFT. There had to have been a trigger somewhere.
LOTS of disco for Hosea, and ELO for Bluesky of course. ALSO SHRIKE & "SLIGHTLY MAGIC"

• Kool and the Gang
• ELO (revisit)
• "freeplaymusic" tracks
• David Bowie???
• GUNS & ROSES??

"SPINNIX" codename. Spinzor "splinter" that ONLY has driving memories-- TO university, IN THE DAYTIME.
LIQUID FUNK!!

• Commix
• London Elektricity
• Nu:Tone

"SPINNOX" codename. NIGHT VERSION of Spinnix. VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Again, they ONLY have memories of driving home at night.

• Fat Jon
•  nujabes?

"SPIKEL" codename. THE EXERCISER. This is a new, unique akoufoni class because starting with Cannon's bloodline, we now spent SO much time working out that we needed people to MANAGE that.
Notably this person IS NOT a "spin" but a "CANNON" in terms of how they feel?? Maybe even a TRANSITIONAL again, POST-MU.

• DANNY BYRD

THE REALLY FREAKIN UNHINGED CANNON "SPLINTER" (2008??)
Codename "JUGULAR."
INKYLINKYBOOO, ZOOPHOBIA, "I FEEL SICK"
Literally the UNHEALTHIEST and MOST HELLTORMENTED CORE we EVER HAD.
We were brutally self-abusing, we were addicted to torture porn and gore shocksites, etc. and the HACKS WOULD NOT STOP.
God alone got us through this time of our life, I swear. We should have died. Yet here we are now.

• ANGELSPIT

THE KID WHO WAS SENT TO THE PSYCH WARD????
They would have been LATE 2010 to EARLY 2011 and I KNOW for a fact they were into the v0lt@ge! Leagueworld, AND PROG ROCK!!!!
However their memories are TOTALLY FRACTURED due to traumatic circumstances. Nevertheless their heart WAS MALE ALREADY.
All we know for sure is that they were NOT CANNON!!!

• IT BITES

(WHEN DID WE FIRST START LISTENING TO TURKISH POP REGULARLY?? "İşaret" came out in 2009!!)


++++++BLOODLINE SHIFTS!!!+++++++


"JAYCE" ERA

"JAYCE" was the VERY FIRST. IMMEDIATELY pre-SLC???~2009?
BROWN CORE. That is INSANELY UNUSUAL and shows HEAVY INSTABILITY. What was BIZARRE though is that PINSTRIPE WAS WHITE. There was an INTERNAL SPLIT.
This is when we were temporarily living with dad, either in his old apartment, or way up on Mile Hill.
VERY FRACTURED TIME PERIOD MENTALLY, for what it's worth.
"The first solid core shift to MALE. Moving out of childhood home, shuffled between addresses, feeling just as lost inside, yet never giving up. Unmoored yet still following the stars.”

• RAZIA'S SHADOW!!!
• Modest Mouse
• Ben Folds Five
• Joe Satriani

"WILLOW" codename was a "splinter" of Jayce perhaps?? SOFT; his vibe was VERY CLOSE TO GLISSANDO, except he ONLY would be out at DAWN???
“Very unique guy. Sincere, hopeful, quiet, but never afraid. Early foggy mornings, always with the hope of moving on, moving out, moving forwards. A nascent living hope of something better, just beyond the trees.”

• NOMAK
• NUJABES
• UYAMA HIROTO
• TSUTCHIE

"INFLUTUSA" ERA. 2011?
WHITE MALE CORE. Arguably fragmented as hell.
ONLY listened to glitch/drone music.
"The glitch boy. Dissociation, derealization, depersonalization. No room, no safe space, no future, no past. Living in hallways on borrowed time. Losing self in broken notes. Brain like static.”

• Nikakoi/ erast
• the dirty spoons

"DEON?" 2012.
SALT LAKE CITY. Homestuck-era kid. RED.
HE WAS A SHOCKING DIFFERENCE and I think he only existed TO SURVIVE SLC & PRESERVE THE JAYS.
"Red boy. SLC time. Very lost, very confused, but still a brash and brazen flame. Strange time period.”

• serph
• Chad Valley
• CLIMBING WALLS, ANNA SUN, COLD DUST GIRL

"LYTRAILE" codename.
"The kid who was always working out and got us into KREVA!"
This was a DISTINCT era post-SLC, in a sort of "shift period" between the original Jayces and the new Jays?? ODDLY AND INTERESTINGLY their music taste is a sort of "positive flip" to CANNON'S, as they were both transitional eras.

• KREVA
• Kalassy Nikoff
• Super Junior

"CUPID." 2013 or so?
VERY different, unusual vibes. Hard to put into words but they are unmistakable.

• BATHS

"JAY IRIDOS." ~2013-2015, maybe? POST-SLC.
LEGIT GOOD KID. Sandman boy. One of our best Cores ever at heart.
FIRST SOLID WHITE MALE CORE. "The man with a heart like a rainbow.”
He had a lot of "signature songs" moreso than artists in general?

• ALSO FROST*???
• MESITA? He bought the signed album!!

BTW LATE 2013 WAS BEAUTIFUL. That was arguably the BEST Christmas of our LIFE and it has its OWN PLAYLIST for that reason (with everything we could find; most of that era was Soundcloud tracks by very obscure folks)
BUT AFTER THE MASSACRE HAPPENED everything started gradually sliding into hell, tragically. ALSO according to the Archives, Lent messed us up BADLY.
May 6th 2014 on LAST.FM records is shockingly beautiful though?? Lots of 2013 classics. We were probably trying to hold on to that around the body's birthday time. Still, FEEL OUT THESE MEMORIES and find out WHO holds them around the shift time.
A rule of thumb: ALL "INFI VIBE" SONGS BELONG TO JAY, OBVIOUSLY.


MID-2014 snapshot from LAST.FM=
HAYWYRE, SYLVAN, SON LUX, ANTONY & THE JOHNSONS, FORSS, M+A, SOHN, JAMES BLAKE
Also general vibe of KEITH KENNIFF, RYAN TEAGUE, SQUARE PEG ROUND HOLE, DAVID TORN, DUSTIN O'HALLORAN



WHOEVER WAS OUT IN THE "HELL SUMMER" (2015). IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE JAY.
THERE'S LAST.FM ARCHIVE INFO FOR THIS

• Cherry Ghost
• AQUILO?
• ALLEN STONE? Dude that was THIS TIME PERIOD???
• The Electric Soft Parade?
• Rhian Sheehan? Dorian Concept? Jack Garratt? JENSEN SPORTAG?
• NOTABLY THIS WAS WHEN WE DISCOVERED PUNCH BROTHERS

UPMC ERA "ISCAH". 2017.
Placeholder as she has to be her own thing because she existed DURING A LOCKOUT ERA.
"Inpatient girl. Exists ONLY in hospital settings."

• Hospital tunes, really

CHARLOTTE = "LOTUS"??? 2017-2018.
"The boy with the eaten heart.”
We're actually not sure HOW MANY PEOPLE existed during this time as pseudocores alongside Lotus; we listened to a TON of music but IT ALL HAS DIFFERENT ANCHORS, which is DEEPLY DISCONCERTING.
We might have to categorize them based on "mindset" at first, because it's a hyperfragmented disaster.
The overall mood/mindset though is DISTURBING. To this day, we cannot listen to ANY of this music without immediate REELING FLASHBACKS &/OR DEATHDREAD MELTDOWNS.

• SOHN
• SON LUX
• SEINABO SEY
• NIGHT BEDS
• EVERYTHING EVERYTHING
• EMPIRE OF THE SUN, believe it or not.
• DALEY (Color Spectrum album, ironically)

POST-DEATH: "TILLY"??? The girl with twintails. "Post-reset fugue girl."
2019-2022??? HELL OF A LONG TIME FOR SOMEONE SO DISHEVELED.
NO IDEA WHAT HER COLOR WAS, IF SHE EVEN HAD ONE.
ONLY LONG-HAIRED FEMALE "CORE" SINCE AENIMA.
Her time period is VERY fractured too, because her "sense of self" was almost nonexistent and we have NO MEMORY OF MOST OF IT. There were probably several pseudocore shifts.
GRANDMA'S CANCER DIAGNOSIS CHANGED EVERYTHING; that triggered a MASSIVE SHIFT in our very MODE OF EXISTENCE AND GENERAL CONSCIOUSNESS, proven by the fact that it's the ONLY TIME WE REMEMBER LISTENING TO ANY MUSIC.
We have no bloody idea what happened immediately after CNC. That person was violently animicidal and they probably didn't listen to anything but church music anyway, which is tragically hypocritical.

• Larnelle Harris
• Burt Bacharach???

"CHALYX" = 2021 HOSPITAL STAY.
She was NOTABLY and DISTINCTLY HER OWN PERSON. She was BLURRING WITH TILLY though!!

• SARAH JANE MORRIS
• She started listening to POLISH POP MUSIC actually.

POST-GRIEF, PRE-HOSPITAL. 2022.
Very unique and jarring era. We were displaced from EVERYTHING and lived COMPLETELY ISOLATED & ALONE for FIVE SOLID MONTHS. There is a REAL and SIGNIFICANT music profile for this time period though, because of all the addiction-drives this unknown pseudocore did.
THERE WERE "PHASES" of music but it ALL FEELS LIKE THE SAME PERSON... FOR THE MOST PART.

• ...

THE REALLY SPECIFIC "SAINT ANNE SUMMER WARS" KID. 2022.
Codename "JANAZMA" for sentimentality's sake.
A suddenly extant INDOMITABLE HOPE-CORE born to TRY AND STOP THE SELF-DESTRUCTION. Woke up via a DREAM and just... changed everything in an instant. Total 180 at the drop of a hat. It was incredible.
Existed from JULY TO SEPTEMBER.
They HAD A HEART. THE LOTOPHAGOI DIDN'T.

• STUDIO CHIZU MOVIES. My gosh I swear thank you so much for that. They became a LANDMARK in our life and we will never forget the feeling of SHEER INCANDESCENT HOPE that defined this small but indispensably precious time period.
• ...

2022 WAKEUP CALL, UPMC AGAIN.
SEPTEMBER TO NOVEMBER.
Interesting because, like with Iscah's debut, we have virtually NO MEMORY OF THIS. However there was nonstop muzak for distraction purposes, so we should be able to "ping" someone if we find out WHAT was played.
Remember THE SYSTEM "WOKE UP" NEAR THE END, so that will change the vibes a bit, but that will also be glaringly obvious.

• ...

AND NOW, WHOEVER THE HECK WE ARE. 2023.

• ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


LATER UPDATES...

We're beginning 2025 as I write this and we're already not sure of:

• Who the heck was at TBHU
• Post-Infi shift

browsing through ANCIENT entries earlier today, I saw this little survey:

YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT SOMEONE BY THE TYPE OF MUSIC THEY LISTEN TO.
HIT SHUFFLE ON YOUR MEDIA LIBRARY AND WRITE DOWN THE FIRST 20 SONGS. (23 for the new year)
ONE RULE: NO SKIPPING.

We haven't done something like this in a while, but the love & memories tied to our music are enough to break through the bleakest days. Let's go.

1. "Vertigo" (U2)
U2's music takes us to a very unusually bright place in our collective memory. Our dad introduced us to them during the jx7 time period, so their tunes are forever painted with that Celebi-summer feeling, driving down highways and finally being free of all social/online connections for the first time in years. It was liberating, and that vibe is what I still catch in this song. Blue skies and a wide-open future. Plus, we always smile at that "uno! dos! tres! catorce!" intro.
...Never actually read the lyrics for this before, though. Feels dystopic. Feels sadly like old headspace days. I guess that's ironically fitting, too-- because even during the upbeat time of our life this song echoes, there was something terrible happening where we couldn't, or refused to, see... everything we wish we didn't know, if you will.

2. "Pororororororo" (IMERUAT)
An unexpectedly heartwarming song. At first the lyrics sound childlike and silly, but the lovely string section suggests something more... so I looked it up, and it's about sharing a meal together. Yes, a triggering topic for us, but... only due to sad experiences. "Let's enjoy our meal, even if we eat alone." Our whole life we were taught that "enjoying" things, especially food, was not only sinful but animalistic, and utterly depraved. Family meals were stressful and rushed and angry as they were rare. We never ate with others in school, and eating in public with the family was always highly distressing and full of fear. So... there's something in this song that makes our inner child want to weep and angrily beat their fists off the wall, bitter and offended and upset, but... there's also something in it that our adult self wants to agree with. We think of Jesus feeding His followers, and of how kids (ideally) naturally share their food with friends. It's an instinctive "I care about you and want you to stay alive" action.
It's a song we do need to think about more, actually. It helps that it's so cute.

3. "Plush Hooves" (Picnic)
This is a song that we discovered recently, but which sounds just like the old "influtusa" days. College.
It's audial beauty, really. The colors and shapes are really nice-- all clear watery arches and round waves of bluish green with pops of crackling pale-yellow brushstrokes. It feels like liquid crystal pipes. It's deeply soothing.
We actually, deep down, love atmospheric glitch-esque stuff like this. It's tied inextricably to a facet of the Cor(e) and although it's been buried, it cannot be denied. This is the crystal-eyed White that exists outside of space, outside of form, and right now, we need that desperately.
It helps that it's 7 minutes long. You can get softly lost in this sort of soundscape, and thank God for that.

4. "Kamome" (Taku Matsushiba)
Despite the unfortunate album art-- and the fact that we've never seen this anime and don't plan to-- there are some tracks on its OST that are really lovely. This is one of them. I like the music-box intro that is suddenly embraced by that string section cascade! Honestly though... we love this track because it sounds like our old violin-lesson refuge. The solo starting at 1:21 sounds like Lynne's heart. 
There's a deep sense of safety, of comfort, of peace, that we get from hearing stringed instruments and pianos layered warm and deep like this. It makes us feel like a child again, alone in that big store surrounded by musical instruments, by wood and metal and glass and paper, hearing muffled melodies from upstairs, seeing the rain outside... again, we would be totally alone, just us and the League's heart, with infinite potential and creative beauty all around us. Those memories are precious, and we treasure them. We are grateful that we can still re-live them so strongly through songs like this.

5. "11 Hands" (Alfonso Peduto)
A brand new addition to our library, Alfonso's layered piano loops are exactly the sort & sound of thing we would compose if we had the means. We love the rhythmic complexity, the evocative harmonies, and the sense of... what? Finality? Hope? These songs all sound like the verge of some great turning point, some shift in the heart, some painful tearful courageous reach towards victory, towards light.
There are albums full of wonderful pieces like this by him. Each one feels unique. This one, with its higher notes and almost waltz-like lilt at times, is less driving and more aspirational to me. It feels like daylight rushing through treetops, like a sudden rainfall through breaking clouds, like a determination in your soul to get up, to not give up, to turn your face to the sky and the sun no matter what happens next.
It feels like someone in the System. I'm not sure who. A girl, maybe a Jewel. But the resonance is there. It's inevitable, with how closely this guy's compositions resemble our soul.

6. "Missa Festiva, Op. 62: Gloria" (Flor Peeters)
We love listening to different Mass settings, especially the more unique orchestral ones. The Gloria is always interesting to hear, because of the many different emotions it elicits-- this song moves from the dissonant notes of penitence to the soaring golden chords of praise, the whole time feeling strangely alien, angelic even, with trumpeted edges and that organ rumbling true beneath it all.
It's always fascinating to listen to choral pieces, too-- the human voice is an instrument in its own right, and each voice pronounces words slightly differently, as well as with a different pitch and tone. Listening to them all marbling together in these pieces, some more notable than others, some ringing out as solos, but all part of some greater whole... its fascinating. These are living souls making that music with their own selves. Within the context of this hymn to their Creator... it's a transcendent experience.

7. "Çok Özlüyorum Seni" (Gökhan Tepe)
I literally went "YESSSSSS" when this came up on shuffle, haha! For all you Moralimon fans, this is legit Nebisai's song, because it sounds like him, not just in voice but also in tone-- it's a bright & upbeat song, but it's about heartbreak... and hope. "I miss you so much." But "I know you will be back soon... I saw it in my dream last night." Nebsy is one of the most ebullient 'mons I know and yet he hails from a very tormented world... he has experienced war and loss and despair and exile, and yet! He still sings! He still holds on to hope! And I love that about both him, and this song. When you're hurting, but you can still make music like this, about that ache... that means a lot, man. It shows that love is what is shining through at the heart of it all, not bitterness. 
Also the percussion is DELICIOUS. I love Turkish instrumentation, especially in this, with the overlapping rhythms and clear treble chordophones and that dancing bassline! Even the wind instruments are lovely, haha, and that's notable coming from me!
Gosh I just love this song. Turkish music is boss, God bless these guys.

8. "The First Noel" (Kenny G)
THERE YOU ARE SAXOPHONE MAN!! This guy's Christmas albums are eternal tradition in our house for the Christmas season; our birthmom used to joke "it's not Christmas until we have candles & Kenny G!" Sadly, we did not have either of those things this year... but what the heck, it's not Epiphany yet, better late than never!
Really, his instrumentation is fantastic as well. That soprano saxophone meshes so smoothly with the bell-like keyboard (which is notable; I usually can't stand obviously electronic keyboards), the subtle but silver strings, and of course that echoing percussion that makes the whole song sound wide and clear and bright as that field the ancient shepherds met the jubilant angels in. Even so... this song also sounds so small and cozy. Maybe that's just childhood memories, or the 90's mixing, but this whole album just makes me feel like a kid again, watching the snowfall by the Christmas tree, colorful lights everywhere and the scent of pine and cinnamon in the air. Oh yeah, and of course the saxophone carols on mom's boombox.
Shoutout to Leon with this song, haha. I love you bro.

9. "Castles- 12" Full Length Version" (It Bites)
PROG ROCK SON!!!
It Bites will always have a very, very dear place in my heart because I first discovered them the week I was first admitted to the psych ward. I had "This Is England" playing in my head for those five hellish days, and I swear to you that was the only thing that kept me going some nights, unable to sleep, terrified of the next day. But I'd hear John Mitchell singing in those dark hours and it reminded me that there was still beauty in the world, out beyond those barred double-pane windows. This wasn't forever.
However! My good man John was only 14 or so when this track was released so his trademark voice isn't on here, haha. But Francis Dunnery has a lovely set of pipes as well, honestly.
And... in beautiful contrast to the windows of the ward, this song speaks of a castle with no such cruel fortifications--

10. "Emily" (Andy Williams)
Andy Williams's voice echoes through all my childhood memories. My grandmother loved his music, and would frequently play it at night as I fell asleep.
I honestly love the way he pronounces certain words and vowels, and
This song has no memories in particular attached to it, but it does have a tie-in to the League. The "romance" of this song was totally defused by attaching it to Emily in Soulstitch, and her plush pal Kenzel-- turning the reference to "family" from a marital cliche into a childhood comfort. Love isn't just for grownups; the truest lovers are those who love without any motives of gain or attraction. It's why the League focuses on such children, and their relationships with creatures who likewise love with such purity of intent.
It's the only way I can listen to this song, by thinking of that.

11. "I Believe, Help My Unbelief" (Larnelle Harris)
Larnelle's music means a great deal to me, because I played it on loop for months when I was taking care of my grandmother in home hospice. I'd do dishes and laundry and cooking for her and the whole time Mr. Harris would be praising God in the background. It kept my heart and mind in a good place, anchored in faith and hope, which I desperately needed during that time of sickness and stress.
This song, based on Mark 9:24, means a lot to me as well. I have always loved that Gospel, for the raw desperate honesty of that man in his weak yet real faith... and because I relate so, so strongly to that sentiment.
 

12. "The Man That Time Forgot" (Ed Harcourt)
This song always brings me to tears.

13. "Some Children See Him" (Andy Williams)
I'm really glad this one came up because, although Kenny is my mom's Christmas tune dude, Andy is my grandmother's playlist staple.

14. "Be Here Now" (Ray LaMontagne)
This song belongs to Dori. It was one from her Last.fm back in like '09, and it struck us to the heart in both sound and message.
The instrumentation feels like a bright fog, with the echoing piano & vocals, and smooth strings singing over that soundhaze backdrop. But then there's the guitar. Golden and clear, it's like sunlight filtering through the morning mist. The lyrics reflect this tangible hope.
"Don't let your mind get weary... don't let your heart get heavy... don't let your soul get lonely..." and then, "don't look for love in faces [or] places; it's in you, that's where you'll find kindness. Be here, now."
It speaks directly to us as a System.
...How many times have I tried to run away from us? How often has my weary mind, or heavy heart, made my soul feel lonely? Inside of "me" there is us, a strength founded in love, a love that tears down every wall. But I have to be here. I have to BE, with us, with all of us, right now. It's the only hope I have of holding on to faith or light or life. Our collective being is a ray of light piercing every cloud, and outlasting every trial.
I needed to hear this song again today. Thank You.

15. "This River Is Wild" (The Killers)
This is an old one, from Jewel's high school days, when her Red slowly started to turn into Cannon's edge.
The lyrics cut us pretty deep It speaks directly of the trauma echoes and struggles we were just beginning to battle at that time.
"Or should I just get along with myself? I never did get along with everybody else. I've been trying hard to do what's right, but you know I could stay here all night..." I swear we must have quoted this in a Blurty once, long ago.
We still don't get along with anyone but ourselves, sadly. It's notsomuch misanthropy (although we are becoming disturbingly aware of a lot of pent-up damaged rage lately) as it is feeling alien. Every day we struggle to do "what's right," but... we're up until 5am just typing. Just getting lost in our head. It's the only place where we feel accepted, real, alive... but it's a wild river. There's so much turbulence. But it's water, man. It's life.
The stormy guitars and rushing percussion, along with the Brandon Flower's signature vocals-- subtly high-strung, a little shaky, and sounding like a confession-- make this song feel like last words in a way, to us. There's a finality to it, something hard but hurt, spitting splinters and being brutally direct-- here's the shit I see in the world, but it's in me first. I only recognize it because I'm fighting it tooth and nail inside, every hour.
The outro always brings us to tears for some reason. That last line, the way everything crumples into a keyboard and his wavering voice, just... hurts, after that shout of a song. It hurts like having only a thread of hope left in that dark night, surrounded by people and noise but alone, and never able to be a part of it. At least, to us.

16. "Jupiter" (Sleeping At Last)
A short song, but the lyrics break me in half.
"I don't know who I am, but now I know who I'm not."
Make my messes matter. Make this chaos count. Let every little fracture in me shatter out loud.

17. "The Way We Were (Soundtrack Version)" (Barbara Streisand)
This one speaks to our constant haunting of time, of how dearly we miss what we've lost, and yet...
"Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we? Could we?"
What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget... trauma does work like that, sadly.
Ironically, we don't remember the laughter. What stands out the strongest is the pain.
But... this song makes us think. Why don't we remember the positive things more? Why don't we focus on our joy as "the way we were?" It's a thought.

18. "Hurts" (Mika)
Well this is just friendship trauma from beginning to end.
"You say it's only words, and that it will get easier with time. Nothing's only words; that's how hearts get hurt. I can't, I can't, I can't stop hearing all the words you said..."
Both we and they treated words-- or the lack thereof-- as careless weapons, to be honest.
This wasn't verbal abuse. This was phrases, comments, snippets of conversation that gutted us in different ways, that still repeat between our ears, words that they probably never realized would damage us so badly.
But... words are what made us into "strangers by the end," when we would leave. The words we wrote, the words they spoke, all ultimately destroyed what feeble friendships we had.
Oh of course, the actions were horrible too. But they only happened BECAUSE of words, words disrespected and forced and parroted and flatly delivered, words like arrows and daggers. Talking our way into and out of trouble. Always too much talk.
Sorry. Can't think about this too much.

19. "Hard to Beat" (Hard-Fi)
YEAAAAAAAH this one's a CLASSIC.
It's in here because it's a "League lovesong" from like 2005. OLD DAYS BRO.

20. "Tempest" (SOHN)
Geez this band sounds like the Cannon days. It's disturbing and dark and red.
This song is so disjointed. It reads like an unhinged entry of ours.
"O Lord, I got lost along the way You set for me. I got to say I'm sorry; wash my sins away..."
but then there's the catch. "I love her like no other."
And if this is truly the Cannon days, then we are absolutely dealing with moral panic and homophobia.

21. "Am I Dreamin'" (Atlantic Starr)
On the surface this is obviously a love song that I can easily apply to any of my internal loves, but... on a greater level, this is for the entire System.
"Am I dreaming? Am I just imagining you're here in my life?"
Self-doubt hurts like hell, especially when you love the very souls that everyone else says don't exist.

22. "Towerblock" (FROST*)
This song hits hard, now that our old house really is being “torn down,” or at least, torn up.

 

23. "Yahweh" (The Brilliance)
This is the perfect track to close up with.

(left unfinished)
 

weird day. not even gonna mark this one as "unfinished" even if it's unstructured because i don't have much to type today.

last night was too existentially disturbing to recover from overnight. i'm still shaken and distracted today. my sense of self is shot. i kept slipping in language AND self-perception. didn't recognize the mirror several times. so much automated behavior and memory gaps. this isn't cool.

caseworker woke me up at like 10:20? right before our alarm. biweekly checkup i guess. asked about therapy, about food, about cash, about doctors. i said we had enough food for now, therapy looks promising, all doctors are video visits for the near future, but i'm afraid to ask my payee for cash because "i fear being penalized for asking." got that from upbringing: "you're not allowed to ask," and "you're not supposed to ask," culminating in "BUT now that you DID, you will be punished by our specifically denying you AND not trusting you in the future!" in other words, if i ask my payee for more money so i can wash clothes and buy winterwear and even get something "for myself"-- honestly, if i had the guts i'd ask to start putting aside savings to finally get a bloody high-polyphony midi-controller 88-key weighted keyboard, i'm trying to learn the jargon kids-- i'm terrified that she'll say, "you don't need that! is that how you spend your money? selfishly and luxuriously? well then, you WON'T get money, until I DECIDE you can, AND we're going to severely decrease what money you DO get because you don't need that much." learn to live in poverty kiddo!! stop wanting to have things!! but the caseworker said to discuss these fears with her, and build better communication, and FIND OUT what my limits and expectations actually are. mom called like five minutes later i think and i told her this same fear, and she said that i should "frame my requests" in a "mental health" way?? like, i want to get musical tech because it's "enrichment" and "helps combat depression and purposelessness" and same thing for other "nonessentials" like even the bloody peppermint & cinnamon oils i always put on my bed because it grounds me. frame it as "psychological aids" mom said. feels like lying, but it's not. isn't that weird? like i constantly have to "justify" WHY i want or godforbid "need" things that aren't bare-bones essentials, and even THEN i feel so ashamed to want "more." i grew out of my clothes (still hate hate hate that) and need new ones because right now i'm wearing the same outfits for like a week straight. they're not very warm. but "it's enough!" live ascetically boy!! you don't need more clothes. but my mom says the people in church are "gossiping" and asking "why do they always wear the same outfit?? are they that poor and/or mentally ill? won't their family help them? why isn't the mother doing anything?" it reflects back on her and she legit keeps PUSHING HER clothes on me. which doesn't help, just sets off trauma, but God knows i am still genuinely grateful for her care. still it's unfair of me to claim this is "saving face" on her part. maybe part of it is but who cares. honestly she's a good woman and she loves her kids and she wants to do what she can to help. i see that and i appreciate it. i just... can't wear what she gives, either from dysphoria or fibro triggers. but i'm grateful. and with food, i mentioned that i see THAT as a luxury too, geez i shudder to think of the possible tirade i'm gonna get from our dietician tomorrow. "why are you eating the same things over and over you NEED VARIETY you NEED TO TRY NEW THINGS you NEED TO BE ADVENTUROUS" no i don't, that's hedonistic garbage talk, i HATED that about inpatient, they just kept pushing "adventurous eating" and "tackle all your fear foods" and "variety variety" and no. nope. not when you're poor and obsessive-compulsive and highly limited in both preparation time and space and means. i can't cook or boil or bake things; i do NOT trust my dissociation and i DO have a LOT of legit trauma tied to kitchens, especially stoves and ovens. and meal-planning can honestly keep me awake at night, sobbing in frustration as i try to figure out perfect nutritionally balanced macros and ratios and timing, while "eating everything THEY want me to eat." capital n Nope. we have it down to the same thing every day and it works. it's easy to make, JUST like the binges were, which is WHY they were "psychologically soothing." we spent hours just cutting and chopping and peeling vegetables (so many knives and blades. god why do we miss that so much) and then more hours eating them one bit at a time with chopsticks and it was all just mechanically repetitive ritualized behavior that allowed our consciousness to SHUT DOWN. perpetual dissociation. well we're using the same basic method for different ends: now the "ritual" is automated enough for us to use that "non-thinking" space to TALK UPSTAIRS. and with xenophon ghosting, i don't blackout dissociate anymore. God bless her. God bless EVERYONE in headspace; THEY are saving my life, thank the Lord, NOT that hellish hospital. still, it was necessary. we needed to "gain weight" solely because our body needed something to work with after years of running on empty. we're still pissed, yeah, but at least we're not 90 pounds. and yet i still keep watching that scale, stable since discharge, waiting for it to drop. except, now we're getting SOME VISIBLE MUSCLE TONE, just a bit but it is evidently different from how flabby we were after sitting on our collective ass for almost nine weeks, PLUS the months of long-covid and post-loss despair. we've gotta WORK to get back in shape but we won't give up. it was worse in 2017. yeah we were also literally starving ourselves but we didn't get very strong as a result. striving to do the opposite now. still eat, but temperately, and get BUFF. that's the goal really.
what were we talking about. oh yeah. "non-essentials." thank GOD we had enough savings to get the exercise bike. huge expense but essential, and they NEVER would have authorized that purchase through disability payments. so thank god again.
but yeah. limited foods now, we don't mind, but the dietician might. we'll just have to be honest and stand our ground within reason. we'll see what happens tomorrow. and DON'T LIE. no half-truths, NO empty "agreeing" to be a "good patient," NO compromises or censoring. we be HONEST. and we work WITH the doctors to do what is WISE. remember that fortune we have taped to the laptop. "do what is RIGHT, not what you "SHOULD."" discernment is key. i think i typed that exact same thing before, but it deserves a repeat. "should" is a thought distortion byproduct. don't use that language. use insight and clarity. speak up and stand up BUT be open to honest legit correction too. we're learning.

anyway. i remember we were in the kitchen for 11:11 because i saw it and smiled. we're finally seeing GOOD numbers again, not just the evil ones. it's so reassuring. maybe a silly comfort but god knows we love numbers and balance and symmetry and stuff. so that's always soothing, even just mentally in that respect, to see. feels like a message, "you're doing good. keep it up." helps a lot. whereas the other one is "watch out, you're not thinking right, get back on the road." scary to see, but. a vital warning.

my memory is shot for today. again, it's the reeling residue from yesterday. haven't dealt with it. honestly in shock from not only my legit WRATH meltdown with jezebel, but the similar trauma-hate conflagration over that movie. i guess that's why God pushed me to watch it. unexpected, and highly upsetting, but He knows what He's doing. how the heck else was i gonna realize that THIS is still a cancer in my soul? at least now we can treat it.

breakfast... oh yeah, we had one busted egg. when they crack, we just junk the yolk and add +1 white to the BK protein. it works. still feel bad about trashing the yolk, though. wonder if there's anything we can do with 'em, even just for the squirrels (google says they'll eat 'em, and they're safe for dogs too, so hey). we want to be a "good wizard," Lord knows we MUST re-read that series soon, too. we never finished it and apparently there are extra novellas and such? which is cool. but in any case we need to print out the oath and pin it to our wall. that will help a TON, i can guarantee you. punch entropy in the teeth son

during breakfast talk, laurie mentioned that she was going to try to "give up the profanity" for new year's again; it's tough because that was part of her original function and so it's almost etched into her code, so to speak. but she's shifting, especially in hue, in a healthier way, and that doesn't really "fit" who she wants to be anymore. so she told xenophon, "i want you to stop me if you catch me swearing." xennie said okay, but no "swear jar," she didn't want to take any money. laurie said fine, then just punch me. xennie said no!! i can't hit you. laurie said c'mon kid, you won't hurt me. just give me a light punch even. xenophon did, really cutely, and laurie beamed and said see, that's it! and i guess xenophon, realizing this wasn't "being mean" and it was helping, suddenly took on this new job with absolute adorable enthusiasm. for the rest of the morning, if laurie slipped and dropped an f-bomb xenophon would dash over and pummel her leg with her fists, just a bit. "laurie don't swear!!" it's the funniest thing. laurie is getting a total kick out of this, i can tell, but it's also humbling for her, to now be accountable to this sweet little kid in her efforts to be less offensive towards such people. it means a lot to see, really.

i've been informed that scalpel and phlegmoni are cayenne bros because 1. it's red leaning vermilion and 2. it gives you... achy burny eyes. they find this hilarious. they're trying to bring razor into it, but her color doesn't quite match. however i know her, she's still red, and reds can be jokesters in their own right. blame jewel. so heaven only knows what will happen with all this, haha. i've gotta admit, part of me does like spicy stuff too. i'm telling you, it's a red thing. jot that down in our new "color characteristic" files, honestly it's fascinating to find stuff like this, even little things, that can be consistently measured and observed. learning! yeah! it's pretty awesome in here. 

tried to biblestudy while we ate again. realized we're two days behind on that advent devotional, but we cannot put the required spiritual focus into it if we're splitting with breakfast attention. so we smartly set it aside for the time being. unfortunately we also dissociated for the whole meal, apparently, because i have NO recall of it at all. no problems though. xenophon and laurie make sure.

after eating we felt dizzy & tired & sick as always (still not sure if that's e.d. recovery stuff or a legit intolerance, we'll ask tomorrow if it feels safe to-- don't want to get labeled as a hypochondriac again, yes it's "boy who cried wolf" on their end but we always sincerely want advice, if we're wrong then good we just want to know), so we brought up the bible app again. realized they have that advent-plan badge challenge going, so i found a 5-day one that was rather simple and did it all within an hour. did me a lot of good actually; i'm really learning to love some "modern" translations, like "the message" and "the passion" and "plain english version" and of COURSE hawaii pidgin. yes i will compare them to the NET and AMP and RSV and such, but... the ones that "paraphrase" sometimes add such gorgeous new light to the message. taken as a whole, it enriches the scripture so much. it's deeply moving and i really love it. so i want to do that more. keep up on the devotional plans, especially ones that have "talk about it" or "apply this truth" bits. things that will push me to type and think and act. that's the best.

also.
finally got the guts to soft-quit tumblr.
i've wanted to for months. the place is SO TOXIC. the language is horrid, there's so much fighting, there's sexual depravity everywhere. no matter what blog i bring up, i'm bracing for impact, never knowing what triggers i might stumble across. it's exhausting. it's poisoning our brain, too, which was PROVEN by the orange & yellow voices yesterday-- "bright" hues are inherently SOCIAL and as such they INTERNALIZE ALL SOCIAL EXPOSURE, even if it's only online.
but... it's not just that. it's the religious mask i've put on to "fit in." it was so unconscious, and so dissociative, that i didn't realize it was happening until i started reviewing old entries. ...it was getting to the point where i was trying to erase my ACTUAL personality in order to be a "good christian" according to the internet. absolute disaster in progress. and... it was so dishonest. nobody knew i was queer or trans or mentally ill. nobody knew anything about my innerlife and how deeply it affected my faith. i would believe everything i read, getting so confused with the arguments between "tradcaths" and "novus ordos" and more protestant denominations than i knew existed, not to mention the odd jew and muslim speaking up to "correct" their fellow abrahamic religion. it was insane. and the whole time, i was just "trying to be meek and cooperative," not realizing that it also meant i was being a total bloody LIAR. this is why all our old "friends" hated "me." i would do and say and act however they wanted, all smiles and nods, while inside i was hollow. like a robot. so involved in the act that i forgot who i was offstage. the fact that this was affecting my RELIGION for so long makes me sick.
inevitably it was killing my faith life. i couldn't read holy books, do bible study, or even pray without thinking, "i need to post this to tumblr! i need to share this with everyone!" and in the process... i wouldn't share it with myself. i became the "middleman" to my own religious experience, handing everything over to my "followers" and forgetting to keep any of it in the process. it became a performance, a job even. it was making me miserable, and i started to push my faith practices away JUST so i wouldn't "have to update." it was lethal.
so. i quit. quittski. over-and-outski. i'm done. i posted an "indefinite hiatus" update there and here and just deleted the app. that's it.
now... now i can worship without feeling like that has to be "consumable," too. i no longer feel obligated to make my faith experience "user-friendly" and "fit for a target audience." no. that's a demonic lie. but i feel forced to do the same with my art, and my music, and all my God-given talents, how ironic is that. so tired of feeling like i can't do anything just for love. everything has to be "profitable." everything has to be "appropriate." if you're a christian you're "not supposed to be" weird or crazy or just plain gay, for heaven's sakes. otherwise you're broken, a hypocrite, and your testimony is junk. that's terrifying. but it's also total lies.
god loves me, exactly as i am. and yeah, i have a LOT of healing and spiritual growth to do, but... there are parts of me that are vital to my faith that so many fellow christians would claim were unacceptable. 
i cannot worship God in truth if i can't do it with my entire heart, and that includes EVERYONE IN IT.
so. no more tumblr. avoid all that drama and distortion. everything i get from my faith, goes in this journal now. we're keeping it real.

getting a headache. probably dehydrated. i can only think of 60oz that we got down. gotta make more of an effort with that.
...obligatory sidelong glance at chaos 0, haha. you know what yes, i do mean it both ways, why not.

he deserves his own entry. very soon. our anniversary is in one week. one week. nineteen years.
...will i get the nerve to draw something? that means drawing myself. i haven't done that in a very, very long time. but he's worth it.

oh, really quick. speaking of art.
i have wanted to do a serious of religious "paintings" for a WHILE now, on two topics: one, all the rosary mysteries in ways that match our soul, so we can meditate on them and feel truly immersed; and two... a spectrum-hue set of jesus christ, focused on His sacred heart.
honestly i want to do that so badly it aches. i keep thinking about it. i mean, every culture portrays jesus according to their heritage-- their ethnicity, their dress, their art styles. there are gorgeous pictures of jesus as japanese, indian, native american, african, korean... beautiful, every single one. but then there's internal "culture." i absolutely love when i see jesus portrayed in that context, too, but with respect. and that is hard to find. give me anime jesus. give me vaporwave jesus. give me whatever this counts as. give me every single thing that kokecit does. (this is saved on my phone forever btw,and i think about this constantly.) i'm serious. whatever your internal "vibe" is, i want to see your faith permeating every aspect of that, too. evangelize everything.
(btw for humor's sake this is still one of my favorite things, it's hilariously simple and never fails to both make me laugh and inspire me, god bless)
so. paintings. the phrase is not, "what if jesus were american, living in my time?" that's been done. but i don't "live in" modern america, arguably. i'm so mentally weird & isolated, since childhood, that my honest "nationality" is headspace. so i open with the question: "what if jesus were red? or blue? or violet? if He was part of this specific Spectrum hue, how would it manifest in Him?" and of course He's God so He would carry ALL the beauty of each one completely. and THAT is what i want to draw, or paint, or whatever it ends up as. but i want to express that. the REAL face of God in MY unique soul. how He looks to me. i want to do that more than anything.
hm. in that case, i should start now. open a word document and start writing down notes. do some thumbnail sketches. but get moving on it.

to segue back into where we were.
gotta draw something for god's biggest work of personalized grace in my life, as it were. 19 years.
...no idea what, yet. something sincere, NOT performative. draw it for us, not an audience. if i were to capture, in art, how i feel about us right now, at this exact time in our shared life, what would i express? that is what i should do.
the biggest roadblock: me.
bloody dyspho/dysmo hell making everything difficult. but suddenly i hear infi speaking up, out of nowhere, "but jewel that isn't the true you. it's the body you live in, but it will change with time. the core of your soul does not. you know how that looks, no matter what the externals are. draw that. draw how he sees you, and always has. that's the truth."
...that's... a really, really solid point, and it's gutting me like a fish to be honest
"how he sees me." geez didn't he bring that up the other night, even? whatever face you have, you're still you? whatever name you have, i still know you? after how many core shifts and breaks and deaths he's seen, bloodlines and hues both changing, my heart and his heart have stayed the same, and they're connected. i cannot forget that, nor can i trivialize it, because it's astronomically important. when did we first connect? wasn't i like 15? and since then he's known me, and i know him, even in the perfect incidents and the bloodred freakouts and all the tar & plague. no matter what, we know each other. i kept seeing that in the old xangas, how he could tell when i "wasn't in my eyes" and when i was slipping almost without any apparent "tells." even when laurie couldn't quite see things were off, chaos 0 could. he couldn't not. his vision of me surpassed everyone else's, because he was seeing with the heart. again, just like the fox said. "you are forever responsible for what you have tamed." i think about that a lot, too. (btw don't forget we DO have a copy of that book i think? a library reject copy, we love those. still i would love a special really old printing of it, and we STILL need to get our hands on a signed copy of fahrenheit 451. but try to explain that to social security, haha.) what is true is not "evident," because it is too sacred. the most real things in all the universe are only perceptible by those who see, who look with not only open eyes but an open heart.
...i need to be courageous enough to trust in that. to trust that whatever i may "look like" right now it's valid, because my heart is the same. why am i so obsessed with appearances though? is THAT tied to the "i must be approved" stuff i'm struggling with in my faith too? that if i don't "look worthy of love," OR of loving, then i'm NOT? like if i'm not pretty or handsome or strong or smart enough, i don't deserve to love or be loved at ALL? that is a LETHALLY toxic internalized belief, geez.
but. it's true, that i hold it regardless. i've heard it, and experienced it, way too much. society and family both emphasized it. actually, thinking of media, that REALLY did it. i used to wonder "why do people keep talking about 'representation' in media? why is that so important?" and then i stopped and thought and realized, oh, i have that same problem, and it hurts. growing up, and even now, i NEVER see characters that are like me. not in appearance, not in personality, not in life... or rather, i never see good characters like "me." if someone is red, it's usually shorthand for "dangerous" or "wild" or "sexy." if someone is "crazy," or heaven forbid "multiple," they're murderous and insane and dehumanized. no one is shaped like me. no one talks like me. no one is trans-neutral, no one is asexual yet amorous, no one is in love with a monster and male-presenting. at least, if such "representation" exists, i sure haven't seen it. and yeah it sounds whiny and trivial but honestly it just makes me feel... unreal. i have enough problems with reality, i don't need the world at large acting like i shouldn't exist.
why am i even venting about this? oh yeah. scared of drawing myself, especially in the anniversary context.
but you know what, if there's no "representation" i don't care. that just means i need to make the first move.
in any case i must, i must refuse to hide this for that reason. i'm tired of forcing myself to deny or downplay what i feel because it's "shameful" or "stupid" or "something i have to keep secret." why. i'm tired. i want to live in this light and color like i used to, back when life was focused on headspace, and i didn't care about "the world's opinion." i only care about God's opinion, and He has never objected to my honestly loving anyone, as long as He still gets priority. but God would never tell someone "don't love anyone BUT me." that goes against all His commandments. no. we've gotta glorify Him in ALL things, no exceptions, and that IS possible and it's BEAUTIFUL. but you can't do that if you're constantly afraid of human judgment. you cannot see clearly then. if you strive to keep your heart pure, that's all you can do. pray and then just love, always.

i am so tired. it's 1am.
i noticed it's hard to type during the day, mostly because journaling "has to happen at the end" so it's all included and cohesive. but it's also because everything gets quiet and dark and introspective. perfect for going inside oneself. winter is a big blessing in that respect.

oh, oh dude last daily update things. this is important.
first let me backtrack. i lost a lot of time this evening due to exhaustion? i was on our phone, but what was i even doing? reading? researching? i sat down on the couch at one point. mimic showed up and just sat down by it, doing his own thing. surprised me, really. didn't expect his company, especially not at his own decision. i mentioned "i'm probably not gonna read tonight, dude, i'm too tired. my brain needs a break." he said that's cool, he wasn't there asking for anything, just "checking in." chillin' really. but still, he was nearby. which was... how do i say. nice? strange? both?
octupi are solitary creatures. they don't live long. they're super intelligent. but they're not particularly social, at least, not in our world. they have no real reason to be. their lives are naturally solitary. despite their intelligence and inquisitiveness and playfulness, even, their lives in the wild appear to be mostly... survival.
mimic is curious, more than anything. he likes to learn things. he wants that intel, as it were. he's genuinely interested, but... interpersonal connections aren't "typical" for him. not like for a wolf, or a monkey, or a lion. but interestingly, hedgehogs allegedly are solitary critters too, in this world. so who knows? 
i'm solitary, too. plus i'm aroace no matter how i try to force otherwise. i have to come to terms with that. "interpersonal connections" are tricky for me, even when i do love people, because getting "close" and "involved" is distressing psychologically and physically. again, "how much of this is trauma" BUT mind you, even as a child i REFUSED to socialize. when i did, like in preschool, i was the boss. and i was mean. i didn't want "friends," i just wanted people to do what i wanted. to get things done and then leave. don't chat with me, don't play games, don't invite me to parties unless it means i get to play games and eat free food and leave whenever i want. i was not a nice kid. except i was. except i still cared, deeply so, and even when i grumbled over it i did chores for grandma and said my prayers and kissed my brothers on the cheek. sometimes i did it without being asked. point is, even as i grew up and somehow became "kinder"-- no idea how, maybe just the grace of God-- i still didn't want to hang out with people. EVEN when i got that massive crush on alexandria. even though i wanted to be her "best friend" i don't think i knew what that would be like. but i wanted to be with her. that was SO NEW. and yet... i never got close to her. always did everything backhanded, sneaky. i stole her stuff just to have her things with me. looked through her desk and bookbag when she wasn't around just to "get a glimpse" of her personal life. things like that. never actually interacting. the thought of talking, of socializing, EVEN with her, was repugnant. and yet i was a chatterbox. i monologued. but i talked to the fourth wall. i didn't intend to be responded to, unless it was in questions. everything a business transaction. i'd never get a coffee with you. except... maybe with alexandria. and then i'd let her do the talking, probably. but then what? how would i sustain that? would it be once a year on valentine's day and then i'd bail? recover for the next 364 days? why am i so isolatory, and yet i can't help but care about people even if i don't know how to acknowledge or act on it properly? without putting on a mask and burning myself out? this isn't the place to think about that. brain too fuzzy. but still. good that it's brought up. more introspection to do.
nevertheless. because both he and i are a bit averse to being in groups, especially in consistently interactive ones, i genuinely don't know if mimic will stick around, based on his own demeanor, and the overall atmosphere of headspace. plus, outspacers, man. they don't "stay in headspace" in any case. they just visit. they drop in, say hi, get up to speed if they're interested, but always go back to where they came from-- ideally, a leagueworld. and there is space for mimic, if he makes that final decision to stay, to have this "other life" in another world.
even so. i do like him. he's taught me a lot, and he's a fascinating guy. challenging, yes, but i think that's a big part of why i like him. i mean heck, look at me and laurie. i like that bit of an edge. but there always needs to be that ability to put the knife down, as it were. headspace does enable that, true; it empowers such changes. but receptivity and choice are still key factors. i don't know dude, we'll see what happens. point is, if he does leave, i'll be grateful to have known him for a little while, and i will miss him. but he wouldn't be the first outspacer-potentiate to have left, either. it happens. i don't forget any of them. if they were to walk back in, even like two decades later, they'd be welcomed as if they never left. that's love, too.

just a brief mention that dinner was 7pm (we're only eating two meals a day; BK is ~900 and DN is ~600, it works) and although i was still so darn dissociated, somehow that also prevented socials from kicking in??? so count your blessings i suppose. succeeded in writing a daily devotional response while i ate so that's posted here. other than that i just talked to xenophon, i love her so so so much, i always share the eggs and fortune cookies with her, she makes my life feel so meaningful.
quick interjection there. yesterday i was seething over how "creeped out" i am by "mothers" and babies. i don't think that's as true as it felt then, thank god. yes i have trauma around sexuality and motherhood both, which extends to the babyphobia. i've been writing about this here & there since high school, i am clearly aware of that.
but... i still love my mom. and i still stand in awe of the love of mothers. even if i don't understand the "maternal" bit, and even if i freak out around babies, honestly i don't hate them. if there's anything i "hate" it's just stupid physical things that frighten me. it's not the person. and it breaks my heart to even have this dissonance. i just want to love. but... girls scare me, for the most part. no, femininity scares me. it's all fear of sex. i know that. i'm trying to come to terms with it & cope. but it's... existentially rattling. big trauma trigger. shook me up bad. gotta bring it up in therapy.
HOWEVER. the segue.
last night, after all that hellish typing, god gave me another nudge. i opened a new tab and the top "pocket" recommendation was... lab mice. specifically john calhoun's mice. as in NIMH.
and today, i announced it was movie night again, and we watched it. mrs brisby & the rats of nimh. one of my childhood favorite films.
DEAR GOD THANK YOU FOR THE NUDGE, I NEEDED THIS SO MUCH
now that mouse is a REAL woman. i know that sounds funny, but she doesn't scare me at ALL. not just because she's a mouse, but she's completely nonsexualized. her personality is sweet and kind. she speaks quietly and politely. she is well-mannered and mature and honorable. and she is STUNNINGLY BRAVE. this mouse-lady would literally FIGHT DEATH FOR THE SAKE OF HER KIDS. and THAT is motherhood. THAT is what it means TO be a mother. it has nothing to do with american white-woman culture and all its bizarre nauseating trappings. no. motherhood is what mrs brisby personifies-- sweetness, gentleness, care, affection, and COURAGE so true it conquers all, because it's fueled by SHEER LOVE. her kid gets pneumonia and she is willing to go to the ends of the earth to save him. she tries to disarm a freaking tractor. she drugs a CAT. she visits an OWL knowing full well he might eat her. and the whole time, EVEN when she is literally SHAKING with fear, she doesn't break. she doesn't chicken out. she doesn't even panic. her attitude is astoundingly level because at its core she is determined to do anything for her kids. and so nothing can actually rattle her, because she has set her little furry face like iron against every possible opposition. and she WILL overcome every single opposition because she's a mom, and that's what moms do.
honestly it was incredible. i love this movie. i haven't seen it since i was like 5. i am so glad we watched it again at last, today of all days. it was exactly what i needed.
but oh boy. boy oh boy. we got our two solid hours of biking in and THEN, right when nimh ended, god reaches out to elbow me in the ribs via tubi tv and says "hey kiddo, uh, do you wanna watch this movie next?" and slides a little banner over.
it's the last unicorn.
my FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.
I gasped and clicked it immediately and told everyone, we are watching the first 10 minutes at least, i am NOT postponing this absolute treasure.
oh lord i am going to cry my eyes out with both joy and pain, i used to loop this film as a kid, it was like my heart on the screen. i freakin' love amalthea, and molly, and even schmendrick, and that "circus" scene is BURNED into my brain, as is that drunken skeleton, and the RED BULL oh man i am hype i cannot wait to see it all again. i don't "remember" it either (thanks dissociation and i mean it) so this will be like... watching it for the first time all over again. thank you god. oh thank you. this is healing too, i've never been afraid of a child or a lady in these old cartoons, i mean geez mrs brisby's kids were so precious even when they were misbehaving, why do i have that problem with humans?? is it really all just trauma? that "threat" of "you know how kids are made, well you're doomed to that fate and you cannot escape"? can't type about that now.
oh man but this movie. i can't wait.
oh. before i forget. jeremy the crow. he reminds me a lot of batty from ferngully (MY MAN, how in heaven's name was he not an outspacer even back then, i freakin' loved that crazyhead) and, yes, at one point (with the "sparkly" and with the strings) he gets "crazy eyes." bluth-style, which is BOSS and means he looks like Genesis does. here, look. honestly i love it, there's something weirdly... beautiful? about it. thesaurus isn't helping me. but when characters get those multi-iris-ring eyes, which only happens when they're slipping just a liiiittle bit out of sanity, well. it both terrifies me, and fascinates me. ...i know what it's like, is why. i know the dangers, and the... well, it's like a drug. i'll put it bluntly. when i'm in that state, it's on the edge between two kinds of "crazy": the lunatic kind, and the "love" kind. now that's for me, not necessarily for the cartoons, but. same feeling. it's a visual signal for someone being "actively mental" and that can be good or bad, because it means that they're no longer in total "control" of what they're doing. the programming is offline. it's just brainwaves baby, intense to the point of insane, and the reason why it goes to your eyes is 1. windows to the soul and 2. that's all you can see. it's a sort of hyperfocus state. no casualness about it. when i get the "ringy eyes" it means something has transfixed my consciousness so keenly that it has rendered me almost high from it? geez how do i explain. jeremy sees the sparkly and just goes bonkers over it. transfixed. the wide-eyed bit is what scares me; that's the sign for me personally threatening unhinged behavior. it's so intent on whatever has triggered that hyperfocus that it loses the ability to really reason. it's not malevolent, no, just dangerous. it can also be a sign of panic, which happens in the scene when the kids are tying him back up (can't find it online)? but! it's the wide eyes. when they're not wide, like in the sparkly scene where he slumps over and just kind of dazedly smiles at the gem, that to me is the "crazy" going the other way. not manic anymore, not frantic, but still that hyperfocus and obsession except now it's disarmed? in either case though it's intense feeling, but it's not a permanent state, not usually, at least not in the films i've seen. but not so in headspace! genesis is the poster boy for this, but i'm pictured standing right next to him as it were. it's in the league a lot. man i am really ranting here, i guess because to be totally frank with you this is a topic very close to my heart, and pun fully intended. i'll have to revisit this topic later when i think about it more and also find more external examples, get my vocabulary together, because i think how i perceive it is still different than how it is intended canonically, at least halfway. which is normal, haha. still. gets me introspective. helps me learn more about us, and how we work and think.
btw the voice-acting in nimh was IMPECCABLE. oh and NICODEMUS!! his glowy eyes! and he's beautiful too, oh man, and his personality is so so sweet. look at how he moves too, it's fantastic. i love his character. big weakness for the wise old creepy-nice dudes. same with the good-hearted kinda-loony goofballs, and the strong but gentle gals of honor who would move the world for family & friends. these oldschool cartoons, man. god bless 'em, they make life so much brighter.
but. lastly. it's 2am and i must write this down, and to pull some topics back together.
the butterfly.
as a kid, he scared me, because he feels like word salad at first. (also the march music doesn't help; THAT scares me more than the randomosity!) i've only ever experienced that kind of mad-tatter speech in situations where something is very very wrong, so it's a kneejerk fear. but then... you realize there's some sort of bizarre sense underpinning all the babble, an order to the chaos, and isn't that relevant because he says something and it hit me like a shot, and has me staggering even now.
he's talking to amalthea. fluttering around and quoting song lyrics and poems. a few that struck hard already. a bit from "how deep is the ocean." "you're my everything." "when you are old." even the (apparently shakespeare) "fishmonger" reference, which struck us only because of our own old injokes. it sounds random but looking it all up, there's all references to love and war and loss and trying to get something back... and all of it being about one, one person, one life, one special thing, the very last, the very only. brilliant, really.
but then. there's that one line.
"Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name."
...and i just stopped. stopped everything. the video, the bike. reeling.
...that line coming from a blue butterfly of all things, talking to a unicorn,
blue is trust, loyalty, honesty, peace. sadness and grief. the sky and the sea and the winter chill. constancy. fidelity. communication.
butterflies are souls. free and fragile. symbols of hope and transformation. resurrection. life after apparent death and destruction. hope.
unicorns are grace. purity. innocence. healing. virginal love. gentle yet fierce. rare & powerful. visible only to those who search and trust.
"for the love it bears to fair maidens, it forgets its ferocity and wildness..."
come on you know me already, the parallels i'm drawing are obvious.
but... the bit about the name,
how can i summarize this. it's 3am. lots of research going on in the background.
every time i imagine "meeting him" here, anywhere, for the first and millionth time, it's always hallmarked by our names.
"say you know me."
time and time again. which world is this now, do i know you from my dreams, what face is yours, what name?
i'd recognize you anywhere, but who am i? fluttering around and speaking in riddles, you this eternal beloved thing. my golden bell. the song my heart will always remember. but i can't say it, if only, if only you were here to call by that beloved name, i would--
"no, no, listen. don't listen to me, listen."
babbling on and on as i always do. what am i speaking in circles around? isn't it always you? my only one?
ah i'm taking this too far but i don't care. it's a springboard, a beautiful launchpad and i'm shooting for the stars as always, for those planets with rings that were always shorthand for that name i couldn't confess aloud.
just once, could you imagine? every bell in this cathedral set to singing. you're the only thing i would break for.

gotta sleep. gonna get 8 hours just in time for our doctor's appointment, good timing you lunatic. gonna shatter that crazy moon and turn it into a ring, spinning spinning, all ice and diamonds and embracing you forever, why not get poetic, it's almost 4am anyway.
aah but i'm blessed. you know i really don't call him by name often. too sacred, somehow. requires cracks in the armor, all of it, lined with gold. bells.
well why not, our daughter is a butterfly anyway.
close the cover before striking. got a sparkly of my very own. good lord i'm delirious, haha. sleep deprivation!

honestly though. trying not to be afraid of sounding like a lovedrunk idiot, because i am, so why not be sincere about it. nevertheless good seeds. focus on the good, on the light. let that illuminate everything else. thanks be to god. it's still snowing. there's hope for everybody, hope for me, somehow i'm sure. have faith, have faith. dedicate myself to love in every aspect and set my life on fire. warm my heart up again. bring that light to everything. don't be afraid.
rambling now. as if i already wasn't. trying to conclude with what i'm feeling
hope, just so much hope, with a determination as red as blood, and just as life-giving,
lord give me strength. and grace. and an open heart. help me to remember who i am, truly, please.
i want to be good. i want to be a light in the dark. i want to do everything for love. for everyone. courage of the heart. that's red. that's me.

exhausted. sunrise will come. tomorrow brings... who knows?
life, life, life, life.
music.
and love.

gotta sleep before i can get there though! 

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Try to identify things in your history that influenced the development of disordered eating.

My memory is pretty shot, and I'm tired of focusing on trauma. The System Archives are autobiography enough.
I want to use this space to jot down HAPPY things, proofs of JOY in life, a life I feel cut off & rejected from. But I STILL EXIST IN TIME & SPACE, AND MY PAST IS REAL-- ALL of it, NOT just the recent trauma!
I have had SO MUCH GOODNESS in life, DESPITE the trauma, and I CAN AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE GOODNESS!!

ACTUAL nice memories I have from childhood:

★ Spinning in circles under the overhead light in mom's room, the light as dim as it would go, pretending (believing) it was a "ritual" to transform into a dragon. I remember the soft blue carpet beneath my feet, and the feeling of solemn faith in my heart. The low ember of a lightbulb, its glow a soft reddish-gold circle, felt like a heart of its own. It was a very intimate thing, that transformative spinning, as a result. I kept my dragon-ness a brightly burning secret within me as I re-entered the daylight, knowing I was "something more" than was apparent. I wondered if anyone else could tell, or know.

★ The scents & visuals of the beautiful, bright flowers at our home forest, around Easter-- grape hyacinths, bluet flowers, violets, dandelions, clovers, buttercups, arbutus, tulips, irises, peonies, white & purple lilacs, forsythia, Easter lilies & hyacinths, and my WISTERIA BUSH, to say the least! Blueberries blossoming on the hill. Wintergreen peeking through the snow. The sticky gorgeous scent of evergreen sap. The smell of the pine needles in winter. The scent of autumn maple & hickory & oak & sassafras. The plush wet texture of thick lichen-studded moss, like a carpet of emerald softness, rolling like mountains over the side yard. The taste of birch bark, given to me by dad. The smell of spring in the air. Eating grass with Viral and thinking it was hilarious. The old roses on the garden gate. The old grapevine on the back hill. The old apple tree I tried to climb, and the endearingly wizened, sour little fruits it produced. The cherry trees, and all their ants. The rose-of-sharon trees in the corners of the yard. Finding wild scallions & eating them gleefully. Picking raspberries from the garden like they were gems. ALL OF DIAMEW.

★ Walks up & down the pipeline, long before any industrialization arrived. I loved the steep climb, the wide flat rocks, the random hidden puddles & ponds higher up, the hidden waterfall off to the right (that I don't think exists anymore). I remember the glorious headrush of ORANGE as we walked it in autumn, finding old train tracks & imagining where they could lead. It always felt, climbing that ascent, like I was deftly & swiftly taking hold of the future itself, a wild & beautiful thing, untameable but fiercely fond of all who came to meet it here, on the rocks & ridges, with a sense of wonder & adventure & hope. I treasured all my scrapes & scratches & bruises. I miss those days.

★ The beautiful smell of Thornhurst trips: woodsmoke, river water, evergreens & shade. I remember roasting marshmallows until they bubbled bronze & brass, enjoying the crisp & chewy bite that guarded such soft warm sweetness. I remember dad grilling burgers as we lit the charcoal and watched it shimmer red. I remember the cool wood of the picnic tables, and the quiet of the trees. I remember Fernsburg, all the foam on the water and its loud white rushing song. I would always try to walk on the rocks peeking above the surface, scared to fall but fiercely joyful to be IN the river regardless. There was a log across it further down but it was too soft to hold weight. I don't know why that river felt so potently magical, or why I felt it was so important to cross. It felt like there was something on the other side, something in the crossing itself-- a rebirth, almost; the start of a new & long-awaited story. I knew that if I made it across, it would be a new world. I would be a new person. And I knew I was expected, awaited with joy, over there.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


some system memories.

♥ After the System massacre in late December '13? Walking around the living room & listening to "Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost, WEEKS later? And suddenly "seeing" Laurie with wings, and KNOWING-- FEELING-- that she was still alive; there was still hope. It was like the world itself came back to life. Everything was suddenly saturated with hope & joy. It truly was a "good day." I felt my heart opening like a flower after a long winter.
♥ Mister Sandman kissing my nose & forehead before we would "go to work" for the night; his aged yet vibrant, gently strong hands cupping my face.
♥ Standing over the oven range in SLC and abruptly dissociating for OVER AN HOUR for Marik's 3rd *incident*; until that day we HADN'T been close, but AFTER we forged such a sincere & strong bond. He was all gold with HOPE, even after succumbing (briefly!) to despair. I'll never forget it.
♥ Chaos 0 sitting with me on the couch in SLC when I assumedly got food poisoning & was so scared, sad, & alone. I wept in his arms, and thanked God for him.
♥ That one horrifically numb-depressed day in ~2015 when "I" was in the kitchen chopping up carrots & feeling miserable hollow; suddenly XENOPHON appeared GHOSTING-- which she had just learned how to do-- and asked if I was okay. I said no, so she tried to cheer me up, by asking that I bring up her favorite song on Spotify-- "Simple Reminder" by Tokimonsta-- and dance with her. Even though I felt so numb, I'd never say no to my baby girl. So there we were, dancing to Tokimonsta in the empty kitchen on a quiet autumn evening, and suddenly I felt real joy. Life was worth living, if only for her.
♥ "Meeting" Scalpel as he sang Everything Everything that one day in CNC I "tried to run away." I remember the metal in his teeth & the rings on his zealous hands.
♥ Christmas Eve's Eve, 2011, with Chaos 0, on the living room couch by the tree. I saw the green of his eyes & felt the ocean of his heart. I was so in love.
♥ That one night after an "avoidance" period when I went upstairs to meet him, and he gave me this look of pure love and heartache that struck my own heart back to light.
♥ The night I tried to kill myself in front of the bathroom mirror and Laurie FIGHTING LIKE HELL to stop me... then me, weeks later, doing the same for her.
♥ The night after a hack when I reached out to Julie and offered her hope with us. I was standing by the bathroom closet. I FELT something change in her heart.
♥ That one morning on the bus on the way to high school when, after an aching discussion, Genesis & I basically made out. It was so sincere & real. I FELT his Gem.
♥ Genesis ghosting alongside me for YEARS. Laughing out loud & elbowing him & asking him to "hold stuff." Him saying he loved me at the Confirmation altar.
♥ That LCCC morning where I think I actually skipped class & stayed in the car, because we went upstairs to FIND LEON, I think? I remember Julie being SO STRONG & COURAGEOUS; her heart really shone through. I remember cathedral arches; I remember how cold it was. I loved them all with my whole heart.
♥ Leon warping us out of Tar ambushes. Leon being a DEAD SHOT against it, even with his hands shaking. The snow-bluebells-myrrh scent of Indigo.
♥ The BLC heartspace exploration events, and ALL the key moments-- the Angel Helmet, the Mirror Oasis Room, fighting the Razor Splinter on the beach, Lynne using her arrows to paralyze the Tar-Celebi, Leon sobbing & wiping blood out of my hair in the white nave of the Cathedral itself.
♥ Those first few MOMENTOUS seconds in SLC when Laurie PUSHED ME OUT OF FRONTING & took over, and looked incredulously at our hands; her vibe like GRAVITY.
♥ Meeting Razor. Meeting Wreckage. Meeting Algorith. Meeting Knife. Meeting Sugar. Meeting Mulberry. In moments of horror, I still treasure them.
♥ Sitting on the bed at COPE in 2017 and the System WAKING BACK UP from dormancy, Laurie immediately putting a victoriously comforting hand on my shoulder. My ENTIRE sense of life & self SHIFTED & FOCUSED and I felt like I could breathe again. I remember us all thinking, "now what?" but we were TOGETHER!
♥ During "THE Lockout," parked in front of the Albright library, and GENESIS unexpectedly ghosting when I got out of the car, deeply worried. Seeing him, I began to feel HOPE.
♥ That one day after Easter when the Coregroup & I went into Saint John's church alone, & kneeling in front of the altar we swore to ALWAYS love & protect each other. I can still feel the cold white marble, & see the sunlight in the dark, & smell the Easter lilies. It was such a significant and beautiful moment.
♥ Laurie straight-up THROWING A CHAIR at Waldorf during a Xanga; Wally laughed SO HARD it was adorable. Chaos 0 came in later and was SO CONFUSED.
♥ The "heater hell" night; going outside & lying on the roof of the car, looking up at the stars in the cold, and Laurie suddenly ghosting to my left. The feeling I got, with her & beneath the sky... it was transcendent. Looking up into space & shivering, my eyes full of tears, I felt both scared & reassured-- there was the big picture, and I was so small! But then, seeing her looking up too, that iron-violet smile crinkling her face... I felt that yes, I still mattered. I was PART of all that, here, with her.
♥ When physical life gets overwhelming & scary & depressing... remember that what you SEE is NOT ALL THERE IS!! The things-- and people-- that TRULY matter can ONLY be seen with the HEART. So GO THERE!! Spend time TOGETHER again, with EVERYONE! Find people! Meet people! Learn things! FIGHT things! Talk for hours! Just LIVE, TOGETHER!! THAT is what will get us through. WE ARE "RECOVERY." Re-read and print out ALL the beautiful moments we wrote down... then go make some new ones!

BULIMIA WORKBOOK
~101122+


List the characteristics of bulimia that you notice in yourself.

+ Terrified to eat at ALL-- even one bite threatened to throw me into an uncontrollable devouring monster
+ ALWAYS purged my meals. Never sat downn; felt “lazy.” Used to treadmill/run for 2+ solid hours a DAY
+ Bingeing/purging was my MAIN and possibly ONLY effective way to deal with PTSD; it WAS sedating/dissociative
+ I ALWAYS ate in secret, and used to hoard/ pilfer/ steal foods to binge on, even “against my will.” Food itself was shameful.
+ When NOT bingeing, I would hyperrestrict (fasting up to 20 hours) and was hyperavoidant (ONLY eating the same 3 or 4 foods).
+ I was obsessed with weight loss & thinness. I could not rest unless my weight was LOWER than it was in the morning, down to decimals even.
+ Often binges happened TO destroy food/ empty my kitchen, so “now I’ll be safe”; yo-yo between hating to eat, and being addicted to it.

Physical symptoms of bulimia:

+ DEPRESSION: “abnormal eating and malnutrition may have STARTED the depression!!”
+ I experienced irritability to the point of RAGE. It was uncontrollable.
+ I experienced debilitating problems with concentration & thinking clearly. This RUINED me; I never imagined it was an EFFECT of bulimia!
+ I experienced torturous compulsivity. This was MY DAILY HELL. The thoughts were nonstop, and against my will, driving me to “excessive and even senseless” extremes of behavior-- but if I DIDN’T do that behavior, the anxiety and distress would become so intolerable it would feel as if I was dying, like my brain was on fire and screaming. Common compulsions centered around “I MUST eat/ buy/ try this,” with no explanation other than “I HAVE to/ THEY SAID I have to”, “MUST do things in SPECIFIC patterns/ orders/ amounts, etc.”, etc. I cannot possibly put into words how irresistible the screaming compulsivity was. I DID NOT WANT TO DO THESE THINGS; I HAD TO. There is a HUGE and awful difference. These compulsions DROVE THE BINGES. I literally felt helpless to resist, “OR ELSE”…!!!
+ If I WASN’T restricting, I was DOOMED to binge??? It felt like there were ONLY TWO OPTIONS.

How has bulimia effected you psychologically?

+ NONSTOP, SCREAMING, COMPULSIVE/REPETITIVE THOUGHTS (VOICES!!! = “ORDERS”)
+ Obsessive behaviors with food; e.g. counting, eating in certain order, “right/wrong” panic
+ Irritable at the slightest “imperfection”/ discomfort/ inconvenience/ interruption; EXPLOSIVE anger
+ Prone to WILD mood swings, ONLY EXTREMES; mania, rage, despair, etc. “All or NOTHING”
+ Could NOT concentrate or focus; nothing ever “registered” and I could barely form coherent thoughts
+ DESPAIRING depression; lost ALL interest & joy in everything. Lost hope for future; even rejected past happiness.
+ SUFFOCATING ANXIETY that quickly spiked into PANIC. Always a feeling of “impending doom” & disaster.
+ Crippling shame & guilt;
moral panic/ despair when I couldn’t just “stop.” Destroyed my spiritual stability.
+ Unable to handle stress without resorting to behaviors; catastrophized everything. Overwhelmed constantly; E.D. numbed this.

How has bulimia effected your behavior?

+ In ~2015-2019, I began to steal money from family members & “cheat” prices on store items. I would steal food from my family’s rooms, desks, & cars; I would eat EVERYTHING in the dridge & cupboards & shelves. ALL of it was done in spy-like secrecy; I woud obsess & panic over it for hours/days, waiting for the “right moment” & HINGEING my mental health on it. I “needed” to binge, like an addict. I had tunnel vision around enabling it.
+ I lied ABOUT the stealing & eating; typically when pointedly asked “what happened to ____?” OR, “how did you spend all that money?” etc. I was so ashamed/guilty AND IN DENIAL that I essentially COULDN’T be honest about it.
+ Began to “flirt with” alcohol/ drugs/ sexual abuse in 2018-2019. Thank God that never took root.

How has bulimia effected you socially?

+ I did not ever want to be around other people. I would rather binge and purge than do anything else, when it came down to it. I couldn’t imagine my life being anything else by that point. Everything revolved around it. I hated even leaving the house because I’d spend the entire time trying to “plan” or “figure out” how/what I was going to binge/purge when I got home-- and in social situations that involved food, it was a living hell, because unless I had unlimited and instant access to a bathroom I would honestly be CONVINCED that I was DYING. It was impossible to interact with me as a human being, because I had no sense of self-- or arguably humanity-- left; all I had was my disorder, which was killing me every day. Therefore I avoided ALL SOCIALIZATION; I couldn’t resist any temptations to binge/ couldn’t stop thinking about the next binge/ had NOTHING in my life to discuss or disclose BUT the disorder & related trauma.
+ I appeared very extroverted and friendly on the outside, but it was completely fabricated and artificial. All my “relationships” were equally hollow and superficial. All I cared about was this damned disorder, jail though it was. Deep down I had NO self-esteem or self-worth at ALL, and I depended entirely on others to survive, because on my own I knew I was dead in the water. Furthermore, I acted “hyper-friendly” to MASK my shame and guilt ABOUT the bulimia; this backfired horribly as I never intended/ wanted to talk or socialize to begin with; I ESPECIALLY didn’t want ANYONE talking to/ looking for ME!! I wanted to hide & binge & not exist. Again, despite this I was also hyperdependent; that “loss of self” both prevented binges (when I stopped caring about myself, I’d STOP EATING) AND perpetuated them (when I inevitably DID have to “be alone with myself,” I couldn’t stand myself & would binge to numb).
+ Eating at home, even as a child, was frequently a distressing experience. There was constant fighting and arguing at the table, punishment related to food-- either force-feeding or withholding food-- and getting sick from meals was not uncommon. We were typically pointedly watched as we ate, being commented on and critiqued, as if we were performing for them, which was deeply disturbing and felt viscerally invasive. As we grew older our mother would admit to sneaking our claimed allergens into our food to “see if we were making it up or not.” Mom also sexualized food a lot, which scarred us as a child. Sometimes grandpa or the boys would have temper tantrums that involved throwing or destroying food, which effectively synonymized the meal itself with their violent anger.
+ I NEVER ate at school, from 2004-2013. The very thought of eating around other people, especially in unfamiliar crowds, was genuinely traumatic and rape-analogous. I remember how intolerable the first years of high school were, when we would avoid the cafeteria like the plague, often to the point of sobbing from sheer terror over the teachers trying to get us to “sit down with us and eat something!”
+ Bulimia is EXPENSIVE. This aspect of it was HELL. I was ALWAYS broke & begging for money. I’d spend ~$20 a DAY buying binge foods. I was ALWAYS broke, and typically could not pay my bills or afford basic expenses. I spent all my savings, and was constantly pilfering other people’s funds, or borrowing money I could never pay back. I outright STOLE so much money I honestly should have been jailed. At the lowest point I relied on charitable donations from pitying strangers, my haggard thinness ironically financing my addiction. Even so, I lied to their faces-- I never admitted my addiction. I am so tragically guilty of financial sin concerning this disorder; I was so desperate, it blinded me to all moral sense & respect. I “NEEDED” money for my addiction, like a druggie.
I could not reason concerning right or wrong; all that mattered was getting my next fix.

List some ways that psychosocial factors have influenced your bulimia.

+ I was constantly unhappy with my body, due to gender dysphoria & sexuality trauma. The weight was one of the most obvious factors affecting my daily reminders of/ risk of this, and the only one I had ANY control over.
+ I was constantly objectified as a child; this continued into adulthood-- albeit LESS so, directly! I was always praised for being “thin” & “pretty,” OR “shaped nicely” & “attractive.” AS A CHILD. I was valued for “desirability” & “beauty,” emphasized by my mother pushing me into pageantry & modeling, and treating me like a dress-up toy at home. Adult abusive relationships also put strong focus on my looks.
+ Family & media prejudice against “fatness” was burned into my brain; my mother & grandmother emphasized this aggressively. My grandfather was very fat & CONSTANTLY ridiculed/ shamed/ dehumanized for it, notably by my grandmother; he was called “lazy/ gross/ piggish/ shameful/ etc.” almost on a daily basis for it. My mother always berated/ insulted/ mocked both “obese patients” at work AND her own body shape; she always “had to lose weight” & called herself “ugly” or “disgusting,” specifically pointing out what parts of her body elicited this and why. Grandma was stick thin; mom used to be, and she was always showing off her photos and old outfits to me, boasting at how small she was, and commenting that I wasn’t quite that thin, it’s “too bad you won’t fit into this, it’s so pretty,” etc., at length implying that I was “too fat to be pretty” & therefire I was inherently unlikeable. I internalized all this very early; I was “disgusted” with normal female body shapes even in my youth (although trauma did play heavily into this too).
+ Daily life/ abuse became inescapably awful & isolating; trapped in kitchens, I quickly learned to binge to cope

How has bulimia affected your health?

+ Chronic stomach upset. Ironically this made me even MORE afraid to eat; I thought the FOOD was “damaging me”, even to the point of being convinced I was lethally allergic to MOST FOODS.
+ My teeth are SHOT, from both stress-brushing & purging, not to mention the hard crunching I’d favor in foods, especially in the early days-- in high school, my END GOAL of a binge was for my mouth to be bleeding from the violence of eating.
+ Constant dehydration. I actually PURSUED this as it “made me even lighter”; water weight was STILL WEIGHT.
+ Electrolyte imbalances were inevitable. Hospital visits for this were frequent. I quickly learned to “self-medicate” with a deft mix of electrolyte powders, salt, vitamin pills, glucose tablets, pedialyte, & powerade, imitating what I was given in the ER as best I could.
+ I was TERRIFIED of a possible stomach rupture and thought about it almost daily.

What medical problems have you had as a result of your bulimia?

+ Gums pushed back from teeth, exposing roots: “violent toothbrushing” was another anxiety/ self-soothing behavior, and became obsessive (HAD to brush when stressed/ every time ANY “taste” was in my mouth). Teeth began to darken & become more sensitive/ prone to cavities/ damaged within the past year? Unsure why. Nevertheless, my teeth were always doomed to suffer, at least nutritionally, from the restriction & purging both.
+ I was chronically dehydrated, & my hyperlimited diet-- plus broccoli/zucchini/EVOO binges-- gave me chronic diarrhea, which only worsened the problem. I frequently had to go to the ER for nosediving potassium/ chloride/ sodium/ magnesium levels.
+ My stomach & intestines were always in pain. When I wasn’t having liquid bowel movements, they wouldn’t want to move at all. I would have chronic intestinal spasms & cramps, sometimes so bad I couldn’t walk, let alone stand up.

LIST HOW
YOUR COMMON FOODS AFFECT THE WAY YOU FEEL:

OATS = heavy, overheated, panicky
PEPITAS = dirty, ashamed, anxious
CARROTS = hyper, hungry, obsessive
GRAPES = hyper, “poisoned,” fearful
AVOCADO = nervous, guilty, “punished”
BROCCOLI = content, happy, “nourished” (ugly word)
SPINACH = guilty, frightened, out of control
GREEN BEANS = shameful, “cheater,” guilty
CHICKEN SAUSAGE = scared, dirty, guilty


What was your weight like before you developed bulimia?

I was never that big, honestly-- my average was 115. It began to drop during high school; I hit 105 in 2012 (I still remember the exact moment I saw that number on the scale, and the scared yet giddy euphoria I felt), and that’s when the bulimia started in earnest (from what I remember). By 2016 I was ~87. I went up to 120 in recovery in 2017, fell to 100 by 2018, and in 2022 I hit 84 at my lowest point. As of 101322 I’m at 102 in recovery.

How did you feel?

I was miserable with my pre-disorder weight until I started to lose it, even when it was stable-- I tried to ignore both it & my body, but when I couldn’t, it was intolerable. I desperately wanted to “reverse” ALL the changes of puberty. Once weight loss began to “achieve” this, my mood would briefly be euphoric, before falling again at the thought of how much could NOT chance (at least, not easily) with weight loss.

What has it been like for you since the onset of bulimia?

Hell, honestly. As a living creature, I HAVE to eat, like it or not, to maintain healthy life. So seeing food in such a negative way-- NOT as nourishment, but as PURE “WEIGHT”-- was a daily torture.
Even WORSE was how TRAPPED I felt in “an abuser’s body,” a terror that made me reject ALL “invasion & violation,” AND femininity, BOTH of which I associated powerfully with food & the very act of eating. Bulimia was my only outlet for the violent, self-annihilating rage I felt on a daily, even hourly basis.
Even so it was hell. It became an addiction, something “I couldn’t lose” when all other things were stolen or mangled beyond repair-- something “protective,” an “emergency exit” when I felt threatened by those percieved invaders that would devour the last shreds of my identity. Ironically, over time, it did that very thing. It swallowed up ALL my thoughts, time, money, & efforts. It wrecked my family relationships and destroyed friendships. It rendered me incapable of living a normal life, incapable of taking care of myself, and unwilling to live. Thank GOD I am in this recovery program now-- by myself, I was 18 years dead.

What do you think should be an ideal weight for you and why?

Honestly, if I knew that weight included a fair amount of MUSCLE, I’d be cool with 115, at the MOST. But to be totally honest, it ALL depends on how I FEEL & LOOK. The number is secondary. If my body FEELS loose & flabby, even IF I’m underweight, it’s terrifying. I want to be fit & streamlined & strong, not “ugly” words like “thin” & “slim” & “slender.” That’s gross. I DON’T want to be a waif or a skeleton. I DON’T want to be “petite” or “lanky” or “lean,” even. All those words make me nauseous. I want to be STRONG & HEALTHY. I want to be buff without being hefty. And I DO NOT want to look like a girl!! That’s just being honest. But yeah, 115 is cool right now, 110 better for my current state. I need to ease into it, and TONE IT UP SON!!!


Write a paragraph about what it was like for you to come into the hospital listing both the positive and negative aspects of this experience for you.

POSITIVE:
+ No meal preparation/ buying/ planning
+ No obsessing over “what to eat”; no trust in own choices
+ Solidly structured day
+ Predictable routine of meals (minor variations)
+ Lots of workbooks to focus on
+ No access/ ability to overeat
+ No access/ abiltiy to binge
+ No restriction because “eating will make them happy/ proud of me”
+ TRUST in facing fear foods “since THEY gave it to me”
+ Lots of education


NEGATIVE:
- Lots of sugar in diet
- Obligatory social conversation
- Unavoidable exposure to media/ music that disturbs me
- “No control” over body shape or sickness
- Body getting bigger & “padded”
- Lots of pain & discomfort
- Trauma flashbacks & panic attacks
- No longer recognize own body
- Cannot exercise
- Cannot go outside (at first)
- MUST learn to sit with anxiety & discomfort
- Sleep schedule/ soundness disturbed
- Become DEPENDENT on hospital for “recovery”


Some personality characteristics can predispose people to turn to bingeing as a means of coping. Do you recognize any of these in yourself? If so, which ones?

Admittedly-- and with great humiliation-- ALL of them, both now & in the past.
1. “The Pleasure Eater”, using food as a comfort mechanism or stimulant = when “bored” by isolation (for WEEKS) and plagued by anxiety & depression-- AND often the lack of accessible healthy options-- I would combat the “emptiness” by shopping & eating, “just to feel something loud enough to get through the numbness/ have a consistent & practical job to do.” Eating WAS indeed the “solution”-- I never dealt with the root causes of my negative emotions. But in a way this behavior WAS A SURVIVAL MECHANISM during trauma situations (“solitary confinement”), so that “comfort” was ALL I HAD.
2. “Entitlement,” feeling deprived and using food as a tranquilizer for anxiety = I felt so deprived of LOVE; many basic needs were unmet/ hindered: water & clothes were tricky to manage, shelter was a dirty crowded mess/ isolatory, finances were limited/ controlled. I “simulated abundance” by bingeing; it temporarily fooled me, but ultimately made the “lack” so much worse-- after a binge, I’d be even more anxious, frightened, alone, poor, & deprived than any other time.
3. “Natural flaw thinking,” feeling incapable of managing eating urges = I did believe that I’d inevitably
fail/ relapse, feeling helpless/ powerless against my compulsions & urges to binge. When in crisis, and/or “beating myself up,” I’d flat-out “give in/ give up” and purge/ restrict/ binge as SELF-ABUSE. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy; I felt “too broken/ bad/ stupid/ etc. to be healthy,” damning myself to the disorder.

List below the potential problems you may have with hospital rules.

+ Some problems with “recreation therapy” & “art” groups; these can be VERY depressing & anxiety-inducing, even triggering! They can also be hypersocial/ “new-agey” which makes me notably distressed & can trigger flashbacks. I would rather NOT make art if that’s OK? “Art” is VERY trauma-mangled for me currently, & in general it is INTENSELY PERSONAL for me; “doing art” in PUBLIC feels like violation/ voyeurism.
+ At first “no purge” was tough, ESPECIALLY when suffering pain & FULLNESS after meals
+ I also had to overcome my “passive-aggressive” tendency of NOT expressing my needs & expecting others to be able to “guess”/ “read the mood”. I’m actively overcoming this.


A NOTE:
+ Bulimia has historically been my ONLY “coping skill,” so when it is removed, ALL the stuff I was using it to muffle/suppress WILL manifest at last!!! Without different, healthy coping skills to manage this, recovery will be EXTREMELY DISTRESSING & potentially impossible, due to trauma upheaval.

What fears fo you have when you think of giving up your bulimia?

+ I fear the reason why it started: the old trauma, emotional distress, identity loss, & despair for the future that I always ran away from, unwilling to face/ admit/ accept their reality in my psyche. I naturally want to puke when I’m anxious & overwhelmed & even angry; my stomach just knots up & spasms, and my emotions “instinctively” want to “get the poison out”/ “purge out the pain”, which physically translates to a desperate “need” to be empty/ safe/ clean again, characterized by vomiting. That would happen with or without food. But, as for the bingeing, that began as “eating myself into oblivion” during high school, a desperate & covert way to “force total dissociation” from intolerable stress/ fear/ sorrow and hopelessness/ helplessness. I HAD NO “SAFE SPACES”, no coping skills, no support system, and no way to even process the ABUSE I was suffering at that time as well. In that situation, with nowhere to go & nowhere to turn to, with no “escape” or refuge available to me, childhood comfort/ survival instinct kicked in, & I turned to food to “meet those needs.” But I had SO MUCH PAIN, and such a gutted sense of self from the trauma, that no amount of food could EVER fill that abyss. I began to binge, solely to dissociate for HOURS, and subtly self-destruct, perhaps even an unconscious “venting” of distress violent urges through all the biting/ chewing-- AND EXPLICITLY A TRAUMA RESPONSE with the SPITTING, which er turned to vomiting, when my hunger got so bad I started actually consuming things. But it felt like POISON, like APE, es ecially after SLC, and I LITERALLY BELIEVED that I WAS “vomiting out all the trauma stored in my stomach fat”; a belief rooted in the psychosomatic horror of feeling/ hearing “yellow screaming” when I would touch the bulk of my abdomen, and reinforced by the fact that those screaming emotions DID decrease in intensity & volume as I lost weight.
The bulimia became a nightly hell, and-- as life became more stressful & isolatory, & I lost my main methods of self-abuse??-- eventually escalated to devour my entire life. Paradoxically, although it WAS hell, it was less of a hell than what I was using it to run away from. I clung to it like an addict, because it was STILL “numbing” all the conscious awareness of trauma & crisis IN my daily life. When I TRIED to stop, I suddenly HAD to face those harrowing truths & emotional turmoil, and I had NO IDEA HOW, let alone any means or skills to, BESIDES the bulimia/ anorexia. So I could never “quit,” because the alternative was intolerable. As sick as it sounds, the bingeing/ purging DID “keep me alive” in those situations where I otherwise would’ve been more directly suicidal. Nevertheless it WAS still killing me in its own way. Even now, I “fear” “giving it up” SOLELY because it WAS a “survival mechanism” for so long. The STARVING is something I WILL admittedly “MISS” in a way--
I associated that feeling of hunger & emptiness with COURAGE & DISCIPLINE & PURITY & SACRIFICE. Eating felt dirty in contrast. But… that starvation was ALSO a desperate attempt to “deny & suppress” my hunger IN PRINCIPLE, because deep down, part of me DID WANT TO EAT & even ENJOYED IT. And that was both TERRIFYING & UNACCEPTABLE because we saw “eating” as SYNONYMOUS WITH SEX. “Enjoyment” AND “desire” in general were “sexualized” to our abused brain. I fear that happening again-- the “feeling violated” and/or “feeling like a whore” when I CHOOSE to eat… and the purge response to being “forced” to eat in “violating” circumstances, such as in LOUD places or when FORCED to talk/ socialize. Without purging I feel raped. Restricting PREVENTS that, and overeating is almost a “FAWN” response… purging is delayed FIGHT. But… they’ve been my ONLY APPLICABLE COPING MECHAMISMS FOR “CONSUMPTION TRAUMA” and right now I have NO effective replacements. God I NEED OTHER SURVIVAL MECHANISMS. I NEED HEALTHY COPING SKILLS. Please help me.


In short:

YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONS (OR “LACK THEREOF”) IN ORDER TO PROPERLY MANAGE & RESPOND TO THEM!!

Emotions are MESSAGES that communicate some NEED, and that act to MOTIVATE us to ACT on that need!

If we DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE our emotions, DENY or IGNORE them, those “unmet needs” will GET WORSE AND SO WILL THE EMOTIONS; no matter HOW much you suppress them, they WILL EVENTUALLY EXPLODE. This inevitably has dire consequences.

Binges numbed & suppressed emotions; purges were the rejection of their awareness. Restriction attempted to BOTH deny and erase emotions, but only made them even stronger THROUGH avoidance AND starvation.

We need to stop trying to “turn off” or “crush” our emotions when they cry out. LISTEN TO THEM!! Don’t use food as a physiological weapon!!

What is bulimia to me?

 

It’s a living hell!! It’s a legit ADDICTION, trying to “numb” our minds to both inner & outer turmoil, and to prevent us FROM “living” when life is seen as intolerable. It is a replacement for suicide & a placeholder for chronic abuse. It is an obstacle between me & myself. It is an expression of despair. It is self-loathing yet wanting to feel worthy of care. It is fear; SO much fear, and resistance to “what is.”

What is it like to give up bulimia?

 

Freedom. There IS a “fear,” though, of our alleged “uncontrollability” and the loss of our “sedative” of binge/ purge cycles to “suppress” it. We’re afraid ofbeing “TOO free,” with no rigid rules & restrictions & escape mechanisms for “fatal mistakes.” We’re afraid of the “EMPTY VOID” of our life post-trauma & post-suicide-planning. We filled it with the disorder before; now we must face it.

What will be difficult about giving up bulimia?

 

Facing the reality of our life: lost hopes, awful trauma, trails of destruction, a damaged body & mind, a limited future, a limited present. We have to EXIST now; we HAVE to BE A PERSON, with a past & a personality, who others can reach. That IS SCARY, post-trauma. But we still have SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR. We must be brave, and start to.

What do I look forward to in giving it up?

 

Ideally? A return of our creativity, and of its prolific output. We’ll have the TIME & ABILITY to imagine things again. We want to re-learn how to draw & write music. We want to publish books & join an orchestra again. We want to be PART OF OUR BLOOD FAMILY AGAIN. We don’t want to be sinfully oppressed & ruled by food anymore. Being TRULY HUMAN is MORE than the body!!

What are my expectations upon completion of the COPE program?

 

I expect to have TOOLS & SKILLS to manage stress & overwhelming emotions; to better understand & apply proper nutrition & meal planning; to find & untangle the ROOTS of ALL our disordered behavior compulsions/ addictive tendencies BY clarifying our core beliefs & values, thought distortions, etc.; to develop a healthier body image; & to get my life back on track!!

Self-image notes:

 + I DON’T IDENTIFY WITH THE BODY. I AM NOT THIS BODY, (and never was) BUT the “bigger” it gets, the MORE I am smothered by it!! (at least, that’s how I feel.) It’s like the body has an “inherent” personality & attitude of its own, defined by size & shape & weight, and THAT “fake self” WILL “devour ME” if it gets too big/ heavy/ fat. It’s like I see the body as an abuser, that I “must suppress” via starvation in order to protect my SELF??

Notes on denial:

"Denial is a BUFFER against UNACCEPTABLE reality." = Just like dissociation & splitting; they ALL seem to often occur together?? (Because of TRAUMA!!!)

1) SIMPLE DENIAL = "saying something is not, when it is." DIFFERENT FROM RATIONALIZING!! That would say, "yes, I'm restricting, BUT THERE'S A GOOD REASON..."

2) MINIMIZING = "seeing only a 'little' problem." ALSO NOT RATIONALIZING!! You GENUINELY see it as THAT MINOR.

^ These two involve SKEWED DEFINITION that REDEFINE the COMMON FACTUAL REALITY?

3) HOSTILITY = "angry when problem is mentioned." IT'S ANGER AT OWN SELF and/or at the DENIED REALITY that is THROWN OUTWARDS!!

4) BLAMING = "denying responsibility for behavior, projecting it elsewhere." = NO SELF-CONTROL. This ALSO shows up subtly in asking "are YOU angry with ME?" "Am I in YOUR way?" etc. "Polite" questions that are masking an accusation, sometimes hidden to self.

5) RATIONALIZING = "offering alibis and excuses to justify behaviors." Terribly common with us: "I'm eating this much because that's what they had me do at COPE/ it's what the doctor told me I should do/ etc."

6) INTELLECTUALIZING = "avoiding emotional or personal awareness of the problem by dealing with it very generally or theoretically." I do this ALL THE TIME. It ERASES "SELF" FROM THE EQUATION.

7) DIVERSION = "changing the subject." Grandma/ mom did this JARRINGLY; they wouldn't even say "let's not talk about that;" they'd just CHANGE THE TOPIC ABRUPTLY. 


"Denial is the act of saying 'no,' a coping mechanism the mind uses against disturbing feelings & thoughts." = TRAUMA RELEVANCE = if I COULDN'T say "no" THEN, then I'll say it NOW, THROUGH DENIAL!!!
SAME WITH ADDICTION: if you feel UNABLE to say "no", but WANT to, THAT comes out through DENIAL, too!
"I didn't WANT it to happen/ I can't ACCEPT that it happened/ the REALITY is intolerable" = CAUSES DENIAL!!


How do you recognize your own denial, according to these examples?

1) SIMPLE DENIAL: "I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM"; "THERE ISN'T ANYTHING WRONG"; "I FEEL FINE"; "I DON'T MIND"; "I HAVE NO PREFERENCE"; etc. Instinctive "rejection" of an "unacceptable" or "shameful" TRUTH that I WILL NOT RECOGNIZE AS TRUE OR VALID. Typically happens when I'm scared, anxious, disturbed, triggered, etc., AND when MY wants/ needs/ thoughts are "in opposition" or "offensive" to someone else's. It's a way of trying to be HEALTHY & ACCEPTABLE & FLAWLESS by outright DENYING all struggle & flaws & selfish behavior. It's an attempt to ACTIVELY REWRITE my perspective. "I don't have any questions"; "It doesn't matter"; "I'm not worried about it"; etc.

2) MINIMIZING: "I just like things to be neat & organized & clean" = but FREAKING OUT if I don't have an EXACT even number of objects, if ONE crumb hits the floor, if I can't fit ALL the books into clear categories, etc. I couldn't see the CONTROL OBSESSION & PERFECTIONISM. Things had to be METICULOUS & CALCULATED. / + "I'm not that creative/ not very talented" = when I LITERALLY have ~60 ACTIVE IDEAS, hundreds of Moralimon, several music albums in the works, a growing portfolio, and probably THOUSANDS of journal pages. / "I only need to lose a little more weight" = when it's NEVER enough, and I want it to KEEP GETTING LOWER / "It wasn't that bad of a binge" = 6 hours and several salad bowls later...

3) BLAMING: Wanting someone to move/leave and asking, "Am I in your way?" or "Do you need me to move?" etc. ALSO putting "responsibility" for the E.D. on MOM & TBAS & MEL?? The key point was my CLAIMED INABILITY TO RESIST "their orders/ expectations/ examples"? Saying things like "mom is a foodie SO now I'm addicted to food," "I can't stop eating because I'm trying to make mom happy"; "I purged because TBAS made me so upset/ disturbed"; "Mel wouldn't let me eat so now I'm overcompensating"?? In general, phrases like: "her behavior MADE me so angry"; "I wouldn't have said that if SHE hadn't upset me so much"; "she MADE me overeat/ purge"; "it's HER fault I have a disorder"??

4) RATIONALIZING: "LEARNED" behavior?? "You'd better have a good reason/ excuse OR you're gonna get PHYSICALLY BEATEN" terror. Also MORAL PANIC over "uncontrollable sins/ addiction"; desperately trying to find a "LOOPHOLE" that will give me SOME HOPE "that I WASN'T damned already." Justification sought to GIVE SOME SENSE OF "CHOICE" & "REASON" to an impulsive/ compulsive irrational behavior? "Yes I binged BUT it's because I was too shaken up by trauma to cope AND I know PURGING "HELPS""; "Yes I'm restricting but it's SELF-MORTIFICATION"; "Yes I keep wasting money & time on binges BUT I "don't DESERVE" to have money or time"? "Yes I'm hurting myself with this but I WANT TO DIE ANYWAY." Ironically excuses are DESPERATE & FEEBLE; they're "grasped at" so they don't hold water.

5) INTELLECTUALIZING: This ALWAYS seems to happen when workbooks ask us to "write ABOUT the disorder," or "TO it." We have nousfoni DEDICATED to this, honestly, because it REQUIRES A 3RD PERSON PERSPECTIVE! So it's held at a DISTANCE. Treating nutrition as a "MATH PROBLEM", and recovery just as "actions to be performed"; REMOVING ALL EMOTION from the problems & processes; "learning" but never APPLYING. This form of denial DENIES AWARENESS when it's intolerable/ unacceptable? It's a FORM OF DEPERSONALIZATION. It STRONGLY PREVENTS RECOVERY because it MAKES "RECOVERY" AND "ILLNESS" IMPERSONAL. We CAN'T mourn or ache or fight OR hope or grow or understand IF WE KEEP REMOVING "SELF" FROM THE SITUATION!!

6) DIVERSION: I've done this in the past, when up the house & trying to "divert attention" away from what I was doing when I'd be looking for & pilfering food to binge on. To prevent interrogation I'd start talking FIRST about something tangentially related TO food, asking THEM random questions instead. This overlapped with rationalizing, because I'd also be giving invented "reasons" as to why/what I was doing with food. But even if mom hinted "I hope you kept that meal down...?" I'd NEVER directly reply, being unwilling to either lie OR admit; SO instead I'd comment ABOUT the meal, asking something "intensive" like "what spices did you add to that? I thought I tasted cinnamon" or "Did you use a recipe or did you invent that? Because I know how creative you are..." to DIVERT THEIR THOUGHTS to THEMSELVES!!

7) HOSTILITY: Unfortunately this appears to be my DEFAULT when confronted? It appears to be a VIOLENT "THROWING OUTWARDS" of the intense self-hatred & despair & frustration I feel ABOUT what I'm denying; being confronted "UNBURIES" it, and the ANGER is an UNJUSTIFIED RESPONSE to "FEELING ATTACKED/ THREATENED" by that confrontation-- it feel like a weapon wielded by their words. We want so badly TO deny & hide/run from it, BECAUSE it's scary & painful, that when we're "PREVENTED" from "being safe" in that shallow sense, we BITE BACK. It's a FEAR response, even moreso than anger-- but we CAN'T run, so we FIGHT. Still, the self-hatred is the SAME ROOT AS THIS-- feeling like our OWN "ineptitude/ weakness" is preventing recovery, and using hostility to ironically try to "REMOVE THE THREAT-OBSTACLE-OFFENDER" of ourself. It's doomed to fail.

There are five stages to the grieving process... think back to a time of grief/loss in your life, and describe your experience, identifying how you were in DENIAL (OF LOSS).

1) DENIAL STAGE: + With grandma: = still talking about her in present tense; buying/ doing things for her? Unconsciously, expecting to wake up with her in the OLD bedroom; having frequent dreams about her.
+ With SLC & CNC = "We were never really friends"; "I didn't actually want to go"; DISSOCIATING?
In general I "FORGET" the REALITY of WHAT "WAS" BEFORE THE LOSS. This is NOT CONSCIOUSLY DONE and is VERY DISTURBING. It's like, "if I didn't HAVE anything to lose, I MUST be fine!!" IT'S LETHAL.
ALSO: "I don't remember anything" when deep down I DID but COULD NOT ACCEPT IT AS REAL, BECAUSE IT WAS A LOSS!!! So yes I WAS in denial, yet I COULDN'T FUNCTION because subconsciously I WAS STILL GUTTED. 

2) ANGER STAGE: TURNED INWARDS? "If I hadn't moved out, she wouldn't have died"; "I shouldn't have gone to that damn emergency room"; "Why didn't I spend more time WITH her??" Angry at my STUPID SELFISH IGNORANCE. But... angry that she "left" WITHOUT "letting me say goodbye"?
+ CNC/SLC = "WHY DID THEY DO THAT TO ME" "DIDN'T THEY CARE" "COULDN'T THEY SEE I WAS SUFFERING" "WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT" "THEY TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY FAMILY" "THEY RUINED ME IRREPARABLY"

3) BARGAINING STAGE: "God please let me die so I can finally be with her again"; "I'll gladly give up everything I have if I can just go back to being a kid again"-- WITH HER AND UNABUSED!!!
+ BARGAINED WITH TBAS??? Twitter chat "I still think I love you somehow; please give me another chance; I know I was an ass; I'll be better next time" AND with Q when he met Mel?? "I'll do whatever you tell me to; just please let us stay friends; I'll change myself to your liking just don't leave" AND debating this with Mel too? But never acted on. "I'll do ANYTHING; please let me back into your life" EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T "WANT" TO!!!!!

4) DEPRESSION STAGE: With grandma = I gave in to the eating disorder. First week or two I felt UNBEARABLE GRIEF; then derealized & perpetuated that sense of "unconsciousness" through binge-purge self-destruction. Guilt was SO INTENSE I never stopped contemplating death & the eating disorder was a kind of slow suicide. I never wanted to wake up; I was numb & hollow.
+ With CNC/SLC = I haven't let myself truly mourn the trauma yet? I haven't been able to fully, directly admit WHAT I lost... let alone how.

5) ACCEPTANCE STAGE: I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED THIS AT ALL YET.


Give an example of each of the four main ways people deny, identifying how you may be doing so presently.

1) REFUSE TO BELIEVE REALITY = Bodies are DESIGNED to NEED FOOD in PROPER AMOUNTS. I keep denying mine needs food at ALL (restricting), AND denying the PURPOSE of food AS NUTRITION (bingeing), NOT "garbage" or "unneccessary" or "prison" (purging)?

2) DENY/MINIMIZE GRAVITY OF LOSS = The eating disorder has taken over my life "but there wasn't any "life" to lose"; BECAUSE I ALSO keep denying HOW SHAKEN & WRECKED I STILL AM POST-TRAUMA!!! That loss was HUGE but I keep denying that??? "I'm just making a stupid fuss over nothing" NO DUDE, THAT WAS LEGIT TERRIFYING TO "LIVE" THROUGH.

3) DENYING ANY FEELINGS ABOUT THE LOSS = See previous answer. I'm NUMB, JUST TO SURVIVE. The feelings are THAT AWFUL.

4) MENTAL AVOIDANCE = I WON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT.


List five types of feelings a person in denial may experience.

1) ANGER; trapped in pain & feeling helpless
2) ANXIETY; haunted by unresolved distress
3) DEPRESSION; grief unprocessed & buried
4) NUMBNESS; you can't/ don't want to feel emotions
5) BEING "LOST"; you're cut off from reality and identity


List the evidence that you've heard substantiating/proving that you have an eating disorder.

+ BRADYCARDIA & HYPOTENSION. Drops to HIGH 30s when I try to sleep; it's TERRIFYING!
+ LEGIT OSTEOPOROSIS ONSET. Had a DEXA scan done & our bones are upsettingly porous
+ The state of my bank account & ALL THE RECEIPTS I'VE KEPT. That's PROOF of binge behavior.
+ LOW ELECTROLYTES & DEHYDRATION, almost chronically, from all the purging; MANY ER visits
+ People who saw my body thought I had cancer. THAT'S how APPARENTLY EMACIATED I was!!

Do you believe it?
If not, what would it take to convince you?
 
...It's still split. That's insane, but true. On one hand I KNOW my life is screwed up & wrecked by this behavior and I'm SICK OF BEING SICK and I don't EVER want to binge or purge EVER AGAIN.
...but. I STILL VERY MUCH WANT TO RESTRICT. I'm PLANNING to, even NOW, 6 WEEKS INTO TREATMENT!!! I just don't want to eat. I'm tired. It's exhausting & painful. And I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS "CHUNKY." If I can't turn myself into a TANK I'm probably gonna get desperate & go BACK towards being a TWIG.
As for convincing... well, right now a BIG part of me BELIEVES that eating minimally, by restricting BOTH intake & variety & time, is the VIRTUOUS IDEAL and If I DO that, I'LL BE "GOOD," or at least "NOT A GLUTTONOUS WHORE." ... Which is still a core fear as well.

On a scale of 0 to 5, how motivated are you to get well and follow treatment?

I'd say about 3.7. BUT I WANT TO BE A 5!!!