033123

[prismaticbleed]

Absolute hell morning.

Woke up at 8? Fell back asleep, because we were abruptly re-awoken by the building maintenance guy randomly knocking on our door at 9am, to clean our shower drain.
I remember this because there is one flashbulb moment of us in pajamas, with this guy pouring a vile-smelling white sludge into said drain, then telling us to leave it there for a few hours.

We had barely gotten 5 hours of sleep at this point, but there was no way we were getting any more, as the bathroom is adjacent to the bedroom and the whole place now reeked like a chemical spill.
We opened the windows wide, dragged out the fans and plugged them in, then sat down on the living room couch with a n95 mask and a blanket over our head.
we couldn't breathe very well like that but at least it didn't smell like inhaling poison. we couldn't leave the house as we couldn't wash up, so all we could do was try to sleep and pray.

we were so exhausted and stressed out we "blackout slept" on and off until church at 1130.
i assume we did use the bathroom sink? were we holding our breath? there is literally NO memory between sitting on the couch and being in church

today was stations. unfortunately, today the organist decided to play a guitar instead????
now i apologize but we loathe acoustic guitars, especially in church, for synaesthetic reasons. they are literally painful to hear. they are a flatsharp yellow-orange sound, in a terrible sort of sideways triangle shape jumble. like auditory doritos, but made out of knives being jammed into your eardrums. horrid stuff. i'm sorry this is how our brain works.
amusingly as it sounds in hindsight, we "offered it up" as part of the stations of the cross, haha. also as a pride-killer, as our stupid intrusive girlthoughts like to pipe up "we're such a good singer!!" when really we sound like a laryngitic mule. they're emptyheaded snits and it is so exhausting to always have this battery of vapid arrogance twittering in the background, when we're in social situations (and therefore cut off from system coherency).

we couldn't stay to pray afterwards because they were setting up the church for palm Sunday. so we went down the street to SJE, our favorite church-- the inside feels like a soul sanctuary; it's cold and vast and solitary and full of shadow-color light. BUT there was someone sitting in the back of the church?? and THEN the cleaning guy came in with a legit power vacuum sort of thing, to clean the floors. so we couldn't even pray there, because social mode infliction was deafening and our brain cannot internally focus in that environment, due to instinctive survival terror.

went to get some shopping done instead, as we had to bide time to let the apartment air out.
we had, however, forgotten reusable shopping bags. we had to use cardboard boxes instead.
we just got some basic items, not much, which is good because we were SO DISSOCIATIVE we couldn't even talk to genesis. everything was a muddy blur. the combined sleep deprivation and stress was not helping.
even so, two different dudes asked to help us carry our armloads of grocery boxes, haha. it was super nice.

catholic radio was ranting about the "transgender agenda" again. it has been on EVERY TIME i turn on the radio and it's beginning to frighten me. there's so much anger, so much force. i'm not asking anyone to "change their beliefs"-- no, catholicism is supposed to stand as a rock. what i am wishing for is more empathy, more compassion, for those of us who AREN'T part of the "rainbow brigade" doing all that scandalously lascivious garbage to children, but who WERE children when we realized we WERE trans, WITHOUT ANY OUTSIDE INFLUENCE. we're quietly trying to survive while all this insanity roars around us. and yeah, a lot of us are catholic too. i wish that was recognized and discussed, instead of just "all these transgenders are caught in the devil's trap" because lord knows i can't shut this off. i've tried. i've tried. but doing so would be more of a lie than living as the opposite binary option.
the whole thing makes me sick.  I don't want to associate with the "lgbtq" movement at ALL but I can't deny the dysphoria that haunts me every waking moment.

got home for 230, and the apartment smelled okay thank GOD

even so, we were a total mess. shambles mentally.
Trying to undress & unpack & clean & pray all at once
Stressed & exhausted. wanted to cry but no emotion. so depleted we were numb.

Finally BK prep at 333
Very hard for anyone to front. julie really the only one getting any anchors down, we were all riding on that foundation.
Then RIGHT when we finally get together and start the eggs, MOM CALLS.
felt like someone had popped a balloon in our solar plexus. horrific washed-out shock. could not handle any more stress. don't even remember answering the phone. the hard shift from "finally headspace" to social mode hell was unbearable. wanted to die.

God is throwing me all over the place today and I'm struggling so much. Honestly I don't know if He's just purposely pushing my patience to the limit or what, but it's just showing me how weak and stupid and frustrated I am, and I really just want to collapse.
By the way, when I talk like that^ I have no real sense of identity. it's all a bodyvoice and it's all the flat-affect female voice and then people wonder why I'm so terrified is being seen as female? because this absolutely vicious Lack of self is all the only thing it means.

but God, please, I'm so tired. i don't even have the strength to think.

PROMISED Xennie I'd go to living Stations with her
Did so, it was ALL KIDS, oddly very poignant that way. jarring to see everything being done with children-- the trial, the cross, the nails. really made it hit home in a different sense.
Then went straight to home church for traditional stations, haha. we miss those. haven't gone to our church so far this lent because of schedule trouble. but tonight it worked.
we miss it, really. they don't make the church as dark as they used to when we were a kid. probably because our parishioners are so much older now and can't see in the dark, but still... there was something very sacred about all the shadow, pierced only by the candles which we frequently had the honor of carrying.
so many of our favorite childhood memories are religious, and tinged with the scents of candleflame and incense and churchwood. honestly our heart lives in those memories.
makes me think of our "cathedral," and how it has been inaccessible and even undetectable since cnc, if not before. everything collapsed, even the city itself. but... perhaps that was for the best. we were a disaster in the slc/cnc eras, and our faith was a gullible twisted parody of truth. now, though, we're able to see roots through the rubble. we need to put more sincere, dedicated time into that, soon. just meditation hours in headspace like we used to. remember things. discover things. be.

Dinner late, no memory of it whatsoever

Night archiving
YT HELL DISTRACTIONS for an hour though
all i remember watching for sure was some sth fandub, which admittedly did make us laugh aloud at a few points (a notable feat, considering how numb i mentioned we are) BUT the rest of it had such filthy language and filthier jokes that we wanted to throw up. closed everything off and walked away from the computer tempted to literally do so. disgusted with the world. how and why are people even like that.

Ended the night reading old Xangas & listening to "Violent Sun" with Laurie.
...really, that was the golden lining of everything today. i was so beaten-down by life, that when everything turned to the merciful night silence, and our body and mind could rest, i was so thoroughly bruised that everything ached. so, listening to raw data feel, and noticing that so many of the lyrics were as relevant as swords in my ribs, i just...
...lately i've been spending a lot of time with laurie, all things considered. even if it's only a few seconds here and there, even if it's just her checking in to make sure i'm okay, even if it's just her quietly standing behind me at night and asking me what i'm doing, when are you going to get some sleep, kid is there anything i can do to help, even if it's just glimpses like galaxy-arms in a distant telescope she's there.
i don't remember exactly what i did or said other than aching. my heart hurt so much it was the most real thing i had felt in weeks probably. but there was too much bruise-tender hope in this song, it caught me entirely off guard, and it was singing about her, how often does that happen, especially for this lunatic, this error, i'm too old to be crying but here we are.
i think i just looked at her, just for a moment. can't stare at the sun for too long. solar flares in my chest.
just. please. don't forget. at like 2 in the morning, with the music encapsulating the world, still standing behind me, i heard that violet voice speak in response to my everything,
"hey, kid, for the record... I'm in love with you too."


(i made her promise, don't you dare change. don't be like all the others. don't let those words change anything between us. because nothing has changed, there's just a light shining on the heart of it now.)
(she grinned at me like a knife, the way i love, and promised to keep that blessed edge forever.)