0510

dream. (wed night)

DEATH. (from rosewindow) On porch. In a disguise, middle eastern girl, wearing dark red robes?
Told me I wasn’t going to die yet, but in a few years I would drown?
I said “is that a pun”
She gave me a glare? And said “believe me, everyone knows about you and him”?
Then she had to help two people pass on? Got out scythe, but said it wasn’t used how people think? Used it to “break open” the way for souls that were blind, or resistant, or lost? Like “snipping open” energy field to get in.
Then with both hands cupped she REACHED INTO THEIR RIBCAGES and brought out this large, round, glowing red sphere of light. Like how internal photos look when light is shined through bloodvessels. Numinous.
She said she changes appearances if needed, to match others viewpoints?
Switched to the violet skullface form I recognized as she said this. I remember she reached up to pull her hood back a bit? Saw her skullface. Had the impression that touching her “bones” felt like dry ice?


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0524

HORRIFIC DREAM HACK

Couldn't sleep
Up at 7, then 11?
Said prayers in bed

BUCKFAST ABBEY

Mom call & visit
Hid scars
Orange glasses stress?

Kolbe shrine mass, Francis basilica homily

Exercise double down

Stsrted BK prep
Jade texts
Threw us into social mode
Miserable

Sat dien to eat at 4on
MOM CALL
Both of us Almost in tears from stress

Bk didn't cook right
So nauseous from nerves & religious worry

Mom kept calling
More and more stress

Gave up and just bingepurged
Shut down all consciousness for a while

Feeling so empty, especially religiously

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0527

Woke up so tired
Phone calls again
Averaging 4-5 hours of sleep lately

Immediately exercised
Joyful mysteries and yuta bandoh
Exercise

"SHARONA" NAME INHERIT DISOWN
CAMILLE OR EVALYN???
PRAYED over it; it's SHAVONNE (SIOBHAN??)

Wondering what the heck happened to both ANNA & JOSEPHINA; one bad one good, both YELLOW & assumed dead
ALSO RAZWELL

Bloodlines vs BLOODBANKS???


"Would you abandon them? That would not make Me happy. There is no love in your heart when you make that decision, EITHER for Me or for them. You are running away from relationship in order to be faithful. It is a sad and fatal contradiction. Do you not realize what religion is?"

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0528

Church

33 PHONE CALLS

Terrified of Memorial Day: too much sound, smells, movement, agitation
Mom saying we sound very autistic, consider getting tested

The "fairground" terrorsmell of evening heat & cigarette smoke TRIGGERS YELLOW
Those two scents separated TRIGGER DIFFERENTLY!!!

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0530

Weird sleep. Sick & tossturn but dreamt??
Flat nightmares.
BUT!!! WRECKAGE & THE BLUECHILD??????

Did biking w music rosary
Pictures are distracting??? Cause intrusive thoughts
DVM easiest w no music, it's too chantlike for a bgm

CHURCH!!!!! ;______;
Wore teal glasses today

Exercise getting a bit easier!
WEIGHT DROP??

Wreckage taking pills
"Its fitting restitution for what I once did"
I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

BK 230, very slowly
Tumblr panic

REBIRTH
More "Nicodemus" inspiration; what is this??
"aionios" = INFI RENAME???

Fought SO HARD not to purge

PAINTING
Shirts & blots
Music vibes: frost vs evev

DN 730
Its quiet. Were sitting here in air conditioning, as low light rivers kiss the trees gold, looking up at the moon. What unexpected peace. Thank You God for this.

Seriously going to cut down food portions again. Too much egg & vegetable bulk is causing nausea I'm sure

Minor bingepurge
Gotta be the eggs

Razor atoned
Feeling strangely closer than usual, but not fronting directly

Xenophon 05 points "everything is possible with God"

REVERSE SLC/CNC
OUR CHANCE TO RIGHT OUR WRONGS!!!
THIS IS A HUGE GRACE BOY DON’T MISS OUT

...

browsing through ANCIENT entries earlier today, I saw this little survey:

YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT SOMEONE BY THE TYPE OF MUSIC THEY LISTEN TO.
HIT SHUFFLE ON YOUR MEDIA LIBRARY AND WRITE DOWN THE FIRST 20 SONGS. (23 for the new year)
ONE RULE: NO SKIPPING.

We haven't done something like this in a while, but the love & memories tied to our music are enough to break through the bleakest days. Let's go.

1. "Vertigo" (U2)
U2's music takes us to a very unusually bright place in our collective memory. Our dad introduced us to them during the jx7 time period, so their tunes are forever painted with that Celebi-summer feeling, driving down highways and finally being free of all social/online connections for the first time in years. It was liberating, and that vibe is what I still catch in this song. Blue skies and a wide-open future. Plus, we always smile at that "uno! dos! tres! catorce!" intro.
...Never actually read the lyrics for this before, though. Feels dystopic. Feels sadly like old headspace days. I guess that's ironically fitting, too-- because even during the upbeat time of our life this song echoes, there was something terrible happening where we couldn't, or refused to, see... everything we wish we didn't know, if you will.

2. "Pororororororo" (IMERUAT)
An unexpectedly heartwarming song. At first the lyrics sound childlike and silly, but the lovely string section suggests something more... so I looked it up, and it's about sharing a meal together. Yes, a triggering topic for us, but... only due to sad experiences. "Let's enjoy our meal, even if we eat alone." Our whole life we were taught that "enjoying" things, especially food, was not only sinful but animalistic, and utterly depraved. Family meals were stressful and rushed and angry as they were rare. We never ate with others in school, and eating in public with the family was always highly distressing and full of fear. So... there's something in this song that makes our inner child want to weep and angrily beat their fists off the wall, bitter and offended and upset, but... there's also something in it that our adult self wants to agree with. We think of Jesus feeding His followers, and of how kids (ideally) naturally share their food with friends. It's an instinctive "I care about you and want you to stay alive" action.
It's a song we do need to think about more, actually. It helps that it's so cute.

3. "Plush Hooves" (Picnic)
This is a song that we discovered recently, but which sounds just like the old "influtusa" days. College.
It's audial beauty, really. The colors and shapes are really nice-- all clear watery arches and round waves of bluish green with pops of crackling pale-yellow brushstrokes. It feels like liquid crystal pipes. It's deeply soothing.
We actually, deep down, love atmospheric glitch-esque stuff like this. It's tied inextricably to a facet of the Cor(e) and although it's been buried, it cannot be denied. This is the crystal-eyed White that exists outside of space, outside of form, and right now, we need that desperately.
It helps that it's 7 minutes long. You can get softly lost in this sort of soundscape, and thank God for that.

4. "Kamome" (Taku Matsushiba)
Despite the unfortunate album art-- and the fact that we've never seen this anime and don't plan to-- there are some tracks on its OST that are really lovely. This is one of them. I like the music-box intro that is suddenly embraced by that string section cascade! Honestly though... we love this track because it sounds like our old violin-lesson refuge. The solo starting at 1:21 sounds like Lynne's heart. 
There's a deep sense of safety, of comfort, of peace, that we get from hearing stringed instruments and pianos layered warm and deep like this. It makes us feel like a child again, alone in that big store surrounded by musical instruments, by wood and metal and glass and paper, hearing muffled melodies from upstairs, seeing the rain outside... again, we would be totally alone, just us and the League's heart, with infinite potential and creative beauty all around us. Those memories are precious, and we treasure them. We are grateful that we can still re-live them so strongly through songs like this.

5. "11 Hands" (Alfonso Peduto)
A brand new addition to our library, Alfonso's layered piano loops are exactly the sort & sound of thing we would compose if we had the means. We love the rhythmic complexity, the evocative harmonies, and the sense of... what? Finality? Hope? These songs all sound like the verge of some great turning point, some shift in the heart, some painful tearful courageous reach towards victory, towards light.
There are albums full of wonderful pieces like this by him. Each one feels unique. This one, with its higher notes and almost waltz-like lilt at times, is less driving and more aspirational to me. It feels like daylight rushing through treetops, like a sudden rainfall through breaking clouds, like a determination in your soul to get up, to not give up, to turn your face to the sky and the sun no matter what happens next.
It feels like someone in the System. I'm not sure who. A girl, maybe a Jewel. But the resonance is there. It's inevitable, with how closely this guy's compositions resemble our soul.

6. "Missa Festiva, Op. 62: Gloria" (Flor Peeters)
We love listening to different Mass settings, especially the more unique orchestral ones. The Gloria is always interesting to hear, because of the many different emotions it elicits-- this song moves from the dissonant notes of penitence to the soaring golden chords of praise, the whole time feeling strangely alien, angelic even, with trumpeted edges and that organ rumbling true beneath it all.
It's always fascinating to listen to choral pieces, too-- the human voice is an instrument in its own right, and each voice pronounces words slightly differently, as well as with a different pitch and tone. Listening to them all marbling together in these pieces, some more notable than others, some ringing out as solos, but all part of some greater whole... its fascinating. These are living souls making that music with their own selves. Within the context of this hymn to their Creator... it's a transcendent experience.

7. "Çok Özlüyorum Seni" (Gökhan Tepe)
I literally went "YESSSSSS" when this came up on shuffle, haha! For all you Moralimon fans, this is legit Nebisai's song, because it sounds like him, not just in voice but also in tone-- it's a bright & upbeat song, but it's about heartbreak... and hope. "I miss you so much." But "I know you will be back soon... I saw it in my dream last night." Nebsy is one of the most ebullient 'mons I know and yet he hails from a very tormented world... he has experienced war and loss and despair and exile, and yet! He still sings! He still holds on to hope! And I love that about both him, and this song. When you're hurting, but you can still make music like this, about that ache... that means a lot, man. It shows that love is what is shining through at the heart of it all, not bitterness. 
Also the percussion is DELICIOUS. I love Turkish instrumentation, especially in this, with the overlapping rhythms and clear treble chordophones and that dancing bassline! Even the wind instruments are lovely, haha, and that's notable coming from me!
Gosh I just love this song. Turkish music is boss, God bless these guys.

8. "The First Noel" (Kenny G)
THERE YOU ARE SAXOPHONE MAN!! This guy's Christmas albums are eternal tradition in our house for the Christmas season; our birthmom used to joke "it's not Christmas until we have candles & Kenny G!" Sadly, we did not have either of those things this year... but what the heck, it's not Epiphany yet, better late than never!
Really, his instrumentation is fantastic as well. That soprano saxophone meshes so smoothly with the bell-like keyboard (which is notable; I usually can't stand obviously electronic keyboards), the subtle but silver strings, and of course that echoing percussion that makes the whole song sound wide and clear and bright as that field the ancient shepherds met the jubilant angels in. Even so... this song also sounds so small and cozy. Maybe that's just childhood memories, or the 90's mixing, but this whole album just makes me feel like a kid again, watching the snowfall by the Christmas tree, colorful lights everywhere and the scent of pine and cinnamon in the air. Oh yeah, and of course the saxophone carols on mom's boombox.
Shoutout to Leon with this song, haha. I love you bro.

9. "Castles- 12" Full Length Version" (It Bites)
PROG ROCK SON!!!
It Bites will always have a very, very dear place in my heart because I first discovered them the week I was first admitted to the psych ward. I had "This Is England" playing in my head for those five hellish days, and I swear to you that was the only thing that kept me going some nights, unable to sleep, terrified of the next day. But I'd hear John Mitchell singing in those dark hours and it reminded me that there was still beauty in the world, out beyond those barred double-pane windows. This wasn't forever.
However! My good man John was only 14 or so when this track was released so his trademark voice isn't on here, haha. But Francis Dunnery has a lovely set of pipes as well, honestly.
And... in beautiful contrast to the windows of the ward, this song speaks of a castle with no such cruel fortifications--

10. "Emily" (Andy Williams)
Andy Williams's voice echoes through all my childhood memories. My grandmother loved his music, and would frequently play it at night as I fell asleep.
I honestly love the way he pronounces certain words and vowels, and
This song has no memories in particular attached to it, but it does have a tie-in to the League. The "romance" of this song was totally defused by attaching it to Emily in Soulstitch, and her plush pal Kenzel-- turning the reference to "family" from a marital cliche into a childhood comfort. Love isn't just for grownups; the truest lovers are those who love without any motives of gain or attraction. It's why the League focuses on such children, and their relationships with creatures who likewise love with such purity of intent.
It's the only way I can listen to this song, by thinking of that.

11. "I Believe, Help My Unbelief" (Larnelle Harris)
Larnelle's music means a great deal to me, because I played it on loop for months when I was taking care of my grandmother in home hospice. I'd do dishes and laundry and cooking for her and the whole time Mr. Harris would be praising God in the background. It kept my heart and mind in a good place, anchored in faith and hope, which I desperately needed during that time of sickness and stress.
This song, based on Mark 9:24, means a lot to me as well. I have always loved that Gospel, for the raw desperate honesty of that man in his weak yet real faith... and because I relate so, so strongly to that sentiment.
 

12. "The Man That Time Forgot" (Ed Harcourt)
This song always brings me to tears.

13. "Some Children See Him" (Andy Williams)
I'm really glad this one came up because, although Kenny is my mom's Christmas tune dude, Andy is my grandmother's playlist staple.

14. "Be Here Now" (Ray LaMontagne)
This song belongs to Dori. It was one from her Last.fm back in like '09, and it struck us to the heart in both sound and message.
The instrumentation feels like a bright fog, with the echoing piano & vocals, and smooth strings singing over that soundhaze backdrop. But then there's the guitar. Golden and clear, it's like sunlight filtering through the morning mist. The lyrics reflect this tangible hope.
"Don't let your mind get weary... don't let your heart get heavy... don't let your soul get lonely..." and then, "don't look for love in faces [or] places; it's in you, that's where you'll find kindness. Be here, now."
It speaks directly to us as a System.
...How many times have I tried to run away from us? How often has my weary mind, or heavy heart, made my soul feel lonely? Inside of "me" there is us, a strength founded in love, a love that tears down every wall. But I have to be here. I have to BE, with us, with all of us, right now. It's the only hope I have of holding on to faith or light or life. Our collective being is a ray of light piercing every cloud, and outlasting every trial.
I needed to hear this song again today. Thank You.

15. "This River Is Wild" (The Killers)
This is an old one, from Jewel's high school days, when her Red slowly started to turn into Cannon's edge.
The lyrics cut us pretty deep It speaks directly of the trauma echoes and struggles we were just beginning to battle at that time.
"Or should I just get along with myself? I never did get along with everybody else. I've been trying hard to do what's right, but you know I could stay here all night..." I swear we must have quoted this in a Blurty once, long ago.
We still don't get along with anyone but ourselves, sadly. It's notsomuch misanthropy (although we are becoming disturbingly aware of a lot of pent-up damaged rage lately) as it is feeling alien. Every day we struggle to do "what's right," but... we're up until 5am just typing. Just getting lost in our head. It's the only place where we feel accepted, real, alive... but it's a wild river. There's so much turbulence. But it's water, man. It's life.
The stormy guitars and rushing percussion, along with the Brandon Flower's signature vocals-- subtly high-strung, a little shaky, and sounding like a confession-- make this song feel like last words in a way, to us. There's a finality to it, something hard but hurt, spitting splinters and being brutally direct-- here's the shit I see in the world, but it's in me first. I only recognize it because I'm fighting it tooth and nail inside, every hour.
The outro always brings us to tears for some reason. That last line, the way everything crumples into a keyboard and his wavering voice, just... hurts, after that shout of a song. It hurts like having only a thread of hope left in that dark night, surrounded by people and noise but alone, and never able to be a part of it. At least, to us.

16. "Jupiter" (Sleeping At Last)
A short song, but the lyrics break me in half.
"I don't know who I am, but now I know who I'm not."
Make my messes matter. Make this chaos count. Let every little fracture in me shatter out loud.

17. "The Way We Were (Soundtrack Version)" (Barbara Streisand)
This one speaks to our constant haunting of time, of how dearly we miss what we've lost, and yet...
"Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we? Could we?"
What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget... trauma does work like that, sadly.
Ironically, we don't remember the laughter. What stands out the strongest is the pain.
But... this song makes us think. Why don't we remember the positive things more? Why don't we focus on our joy as "the way we were?" It's a thought.

18. "Hurts" (Mika)
Well this is just friendship trauma from beginning to end.
"You say it's only words, and that it will get easier with time. Nothing's only words; that's how hearts get hurt. I can't, I can't, I can't stop hearing all the words you said..."
Both we and they treated words-- or the lack thereof-- as careless weapons, to be honest.
This wasn't verbal abuse. This was phrases, comments, snippets of conversation that gutted us in different ways, that still repeat between our ears, words that they probably never realized would damage us so badly.
But... words are what made us into "strangers by the end," when we would leave. The words we wrote, the words they spoke, all ultimately destroyed what feeble friendships we had.
Oh of course, the actions were horrible too. But they only happened BECAUSE of words, words disrespected and forced and parroted and flatly delivered, words like arrows and daggers. Talking our way into and out of trouble. Always too much talk.
Sorry. Can't think about this too much.

19. "Hard to Beat" (Hard-Fi)
YEAAAAAAAH this one's a CLASSIC.
It's in here because it's a "League lovesong" from like 2005. OLD DAYS BRO.

20. "Tempest" (SOHN)
Geez this band sounds like the Cannon days. It's disturbing and dark and red.
This song is so disjointed. It reads like an unhinged entry of ours.
"O Lord, I got lost along the way You set for me. I got to say I'm sorry; wash my sins away..."
but then there's the catch. "I love her like no other."
And if this is truly the Cannon days, then we are absolutely dealing with moral panic and homophobia.

21. "Am I Dreamin'" (Atlantic Starr)
On the surface this is obviously a love song that I can easily apply to any of my internal loves, but... on a greater level, this is for the entire System.
"Am I dreaming? Am I just imagining you're here in my life?"
Self-doubt hurts like hell, especially when you love the very souls that everyone else says don't exist.

22. "Towerblock" (FROST*)
This song hits hard, now that our old house really is being “torn down,” or at least, torn up.

 

23. "Yahweh" (The Brilliance)
This is the perfect track to close up with.

(left unfinished)
 

Starting this entry on our phone!
Of course it's unfinished, but with time constraints & emotional stress lately that's been inevitable.
Nevertheless, daily updates are mandatory, so here we go.


We were up until 3:15 last night working on trying to finish unfinished entries on here, so as a result we "slept in" until noon. Unfortunately, as usual, we woke up once at 6 and again at 930, and then we couldn't fall back asleep.
Our social worker called again around 10am (they have been regularly calling at this hour) to say we finally have a psychiatrist appointment for January. Honestly, I seriously doubt Hatchet will ever let us take psych meds-- which is shocking because we WERE taking meds during inpatient, but the System was dormant at that time. Even so, they were minor. We refuse to take anything that might muffle internal commuication and/or emotional states, especially antipsychotics. We would rather struggle and fight and learn together, than swallow some chemicals that screw with our brain function. No thank you. That's also why we don't take pain meds-- our body is in pain for a reason, and I am not going to "mute the fire alarm" just because I don't like the noise. I say this with a noted amount of irony as I have been ignoring such alarms in the apartment, but those have been minor every single time (it's a disabled community so even candle smoke can set them off) but I am aware of how unhealthy that response is on my part, especially in regards to not taking Tylenol for a migraine-- sometimes, even alongside the "I don't want to ignore the reality", I am being numb and blind, because I'm just wanting to suffer or put myself in danger, until it gets so bad that my cowardly instincts kick in and I start panicking and praying hysterically. It's humiliating. But at least I'm able to see and admit it. Next step is getting sincere contrition and amendment for it.


Mom actually called like 10 minutes after the social worker, and as usual, talked for a half hour. We love her but she started the call with "I'm sorry, were you trying to sleep?" and then just... kept talking, haha. But she's a scatterbrain and always has been; we never hold that against her. She means well, she just completely loses track of time and thought.
Still... I was sad at how our "conversations" tend to go. She was talking AT me mostly, and I noted (with significant distress) that whenever I "interrupted" to add a comment or response, she would audibly grumble, sigh exasperatedly, and immediately start talking again almost as if I hadn't spoken. I know it's because I'm breaking her train of thought, which is a fragile thing, but I still instinctively react like "my voice does not matter," or worse, "my voice is unwelcome" and "I am being rude and inconsiderate and selfish by speaking up."

At one point the floor fell through metaphorically because mom said "he doesn't like to talk about it, but he gained weight with the meds he was taking for cancer, so he has to buy all new shirts..." like WTF MOM WHO HAS CANCER????? I asked, but she completely dodged the question twice, not even acknowledging that I had asked, not naming names and changing the subject almost instantly. Honestly it is so frustrating when she does that; she'll "hint" at something that she is keeping secret but is apparently struggling to do so alone, as she therefore has no support or ability to discuss it or get comfort, BUT she will refuse to receive those things by acting like she never said anything at all. Sometimes, in the past, she would outright lie and say "I never said that! You're hearing things" and again, immediately change the subject and refuse to acknowledge the previous accusation. 
But mom for heaven's sakes does my BROTHER have CANCER????? what the heck why is my family so secretive, we've been shaken up all day over this, we only found out that her boyfriend had cancer when one day she offhandedly mentioned that "yeah he's sleeping off the chemo today" and I was like WHAT???? and although, again, she refused to elaborate, at some point she had to tell us outright, I think because he was threatening suicide??? it was a disaster. But yeah, mom is... not very good at communicating. No one in our birthfam ever was, sadly.
Anyway. Despite my shock, or maybe in spite of it, she changed the subject hard to baking. Just jumped right in, talking at lightspeed, asking me "did you know this?" "do you know that?" to change my focus. Geez. I guess that's where I picked up my dishonest "redirecting" behavior. At least now I know, and I can feel how wrong it is firsthand, which motivates me to be even more determined to change.
Anyhow,
...
Clothes gifts for siblings. Language showed she is still recalcitrant to acknowledge transgender issues in her kids
She's obsessed with that eight book. Lots of talk about sacred math & sound which we LOVE. 

Suffocation morbid thoughts, also knife fights
Why do we still feel such a bizarre suffering drive? even when we've grown "cowardly" now?
like we want more scars, on some level. we want to "experience terror", to "prove we can survive" and "that we are brave enough To face it." is this trauma again??? what the heck does that to to a brain

Got out of bed for... 1130 I think? body getting shaky from hunger. dislike that but it happens.

Adding the cinnamint oils to the blankets again. Celebi wanted the ylangylang on her anchor plush, haha. We used to put actual candle wax on her forehead years ago, that's where she got that mark.

Showing Xenophon the music boxes mom gave us from the house, she was thrilled
Me having amusing but heartfelt thoughts about "metal is actually a romantic element" because yeah music boxes, but also bells & wedding rings & violin strings & so many other really beautiful things. wondering about how i've always felt weirdly drawn to metal as an element? never really explored that. wonder what the roots of it are.

Late breakfast prep, couldn't concentrate, brain was a mess from fasting so long & not sleeping well. asked everyone to help me
Leon & Scalpel specifically offered their support & aid

Ambulance went by; we ALL spontaneously said a group prayer for the people involved
Felt so close to everyone in that moment, in that genuine care. really moving.


Do NOT add half another apple to breakfast, stomach Does Not Like It

Daily Bible verse John 13:35
"words of encouragement" gesture of love; surprisingly difficult? Clashes with SOCIAL MODE
Mimic observing that "your beliefs about the world are reflected in your actions"; basically if you believe the world is cruel & uncaring & everyone is out to get you, well then you start to act cruel & uncaring and now you're the one treating people badly. self-fulfilling prophecies. "we become what we think"
I emphasized how this is also directly related to what we believe about God or the lack thereof; the "innate nature of reality" as it were. enables or disables hope for change or something better at all

He also had us look up "disciple" to better explain the verse
Interesting etymology!
Ultimate clarification came from HEBREW word "talmid" & culture basis: give up life to become like their teacher, not just studying them. I pointedly called this "Sacred mimicry"

Can't be a disciple if you don't believe your teacher, if you believe it inevitably affects your behavior, etc. 

Since we started eating late, we didn't finish until like 2pm?
We felt slightly sick and extremely tired-- typical-- and so I took Leon & Scalpel up on their offer of support while I did the last few dishes (I've taken up the very smart habit of doing all dishes as I finish that part of the meal, so when the whole thing is done there's just 3 or so items to wash; it minimizes the time in the kitchen during that "interim state" and therefore helps lessen the risk of a panic binge). However, at some point, somehow, one of the ED nousfoni still came out?
She was so nervous, so scared. I don't recall why. She cut a slice of an apple to eat but, again, it was purely compulsive-- I could clearly feel she didn't "want" it, she just felt "compelled" to eat it, and we're still not sure why she does this. But Laurie & Spice both called her out angrily & told her to stop. I tried to be the "good cop" in the situation and comfort her a bit, so she wouldn't crash or "shut down," which most "scared" voices WILL DO if confronted-- their functions are so solidly based on fearful "survival" or coping, that telling them to "stop" feels like A THREAT OF DEATH and so they sometimes will actually REBEL on purpose. It's practically automatic; their roles are so hardwired that they can't "stop," at least not by being ordered or told to.
Still. She was a nervous wreck, poor thing, and I don't know why she almost gets pulled out whenever we're in the kitchen AFTER eating, but she does. And she was trying to pick at every little thing, her fear rising quickly.
I didn't think I could get enough control to walk out of the kitchen, so the only way I could fight her trigger-fronting was to quickly start a different focus in that environment-- which I did by getting out the cloves we bought last night and finishing Xenophon's pomander! We quickly had everyone hanging out again, and the inner "vibe" changed COMPLETELY. Incredible really, how different it feels in the head compared to the Social mindset. It's heartbreaking and frightening. Still, it was an important piece of data to realize. In any case, finishing the orange only took like 15 minutes, but it was a nice little refocus, and even better-- it's done now! Just in time for Christmas. It looks beautiful and smells even better, haha. We don't have a hook for it and don't know where we'd hang it anyway-- we're not allowed to put anything in the ceiling here-- so we set it on the altar for now. It fits, it feels like a symbol of a thurible somehow. I like it.
One interesting note-- for music, we put on Uyama Hiroto radio? And it was playing all ANCIENT tunes like Nujabes & Fat Jon & Minmi & such... the Jayce days. It felt so weird, like a time machine. Xenophon had us switch the music because it was "too jazzy" and didn't fit her style.
Still, wow. Amazing how completely our mental "atmosphere" was changed by that auditory reminder of past Cor(e)s and how they felt to live in this mind/body. Surreal.

Around 3pm, we felt the depression hitting again??? Why this time? Is that tied to some trauma event or reminder? I wonder.
Anyhow, we had just finished brushing our teeth, and it was the Hour of Mercy, so we decided to do the one thing that would help get our mind off the emotional distress-- pray. We're honestly striving to be determined to pray at this hour daily; we need to be accountable and punctual. (We did start closer to 4 again today, but I can't remember why? Still, we didn't use that as a despairing "why even try" excuse, thank God.) So we got on the bike and said the Divine Mercy chaplet and a Glorious Rosary-- those Mysteries are our second favorite, as we always lead them at Mass on Sunday mornings, and the pictures we have saved to our phone for them are so beautiful. I'll have to post a few sometime, maybe with reflections on why we love them; that would be really nice. Our favorites, though, are obviously the Sorrowful Mysteries; those fall on Tuesday which is Adoration Day in QotA and so we like to say those in front of the Monstrance, which basically puts us into a whole other state of consciousness, haha. Literally, we can imagine those events so clearly, it is psychospiritually EXHAUSTING but it is so worth it. It feels like we re-live Holy Week every Tuesday with that Rosary. And, when we say it personally with the photos, the ones we have saved for those are gut-wrenching, ESPECIALLY for the second Mystery-- the Scourging-- which most people are too squicked out by to show art of. (EWTN would completely avoid showing images of it during TV rosaries which genuinely upset us; for us the appalling bloody violence of the scourging is the central part of why that was so mysteriously sacred.)

...
After we prayed, we sadly still felt so sick emotionally, with no strength to do anything positive, because that sort of mindset likes to fuel religious paranoia and fear. So, we went on our phone and started "cleaning out" the 70-or-so tabs we had open, which-- inevitably-- were all religious articles we hadn't finished reading yet, over the past several weeks-- some from even before inpatient! But you can't rush through this stuff; it's heavy reading and it must be integrated as well.
...

We ended up biking for two solid hours, finishing around 6pm because mom called again, haha.
She wanted us to come over and help her bake, but we had to say no-- even though we felt horrible doing so, like an impudent callous brat-- explaining that it was not safe for us to go out this late, especially not to a high-activity, high-noise, overstimulating environment (which, although we love mom, is always what happens around her; it's just her energetic default).
She still wants us to come over on Friday to help her make the Polish rolls-- which we're willing to do of course, but... that's my anniversary. I don't want to spend my whole day dissociated and surrounded by bloody food when I have something infinitely more important to focus on. So... I really don't know what I'm going to do there.
...

Dinner was at 7pm, by the time we got everything prepped, because I insisted on also prepping breakfast again now and not after, again because I knew we'd have some poor disordered gal triggered out.
...

Reading Job 36 more, studying it line by line, Mimic always insisting I clarify every phrase
Phlegmoni & Galadia starting to join him in this; yesterday they were asking "hey why aren't we more involved in this? why aren't we spending more personal time with you in any case?" which is a darn good question. Honestly I think it's just because both of them have virtually no canon history. They are destined to be Leaguespacers-- Phleg is already "linked" to a nascent World-- so it's much, much harder to interact with them in headspace because they DON'T have a solid "identity" of their own yet, and if they get too much of one in headspace, it can severely damage their League-life. So we have to be very careful.
I know I will have to say "goodbye" to them both on some level, at some point. Mimic, too, inevitably-- I can feel the League calling him, and he has expressed a genuine interest in the idea of literally getting a "new lease on life" with that.
Still... I'm really liking having the three newbies around for the holidays, it's sweet.

...

After dinner, as expected, the panic-binge girl came out, and was trying to eat all the SunChips. Well Laurie was FURIOUS and was yelling at her to stop again, as was Xenophon and Mimic and me of course, but she was actively tuning them out AND shutting down her own emotions in order to mechanically continue to "pretend to eat" (yeah, she was doing the chew-spit thing again; at least she recognizes that her impulse is to bite and not eat, per se) because "I'm enjoying this" but she WASN'T. In reality I think there are wires being crossed? There's no "enjoyment" or happiness at all; there's only a false "relief" from the dissociation that occurs WHEN she forcibly shuts everything down and just does automated self-abuse-analogous behavior.
Somehow we stopped her? I think Laurie PUSHED THROUGH to half-front for a second? Because someone took the bag of chips and crushed it, to which the girl shouted "hey!!" petulantly but we said nope, if you're going to continue doing this, we are not going to keep this around, it's too dangerous. Give it to the squirrels.
So we did, literally. We went downstairs and tossed the whole bag of crumbs onto the lawn-- which, amusingly, someone else had done similarly before us, as there were cornflakes all over the place. Well hey, the critters do need to eat. So the ED girl (one of them at least, the bluer scared one) actually felt nice about this? Like she was able to not hurt us and help an animal, basically. It was like seeing the first star in a dark night; there was this new glimmer of "I can be good; I don't have to always be bad!" 
...
Going back inside, probably from eating like three or four chips in that whole hell of a process, plus the overwhelming panic, our body legit wanted to throw up. A different voice kept insisting on this, wide-eyed but emotionally detached, the panic screaming under the surface but her job was just "don't feel. stop the danger. now. do it." VERY chartreuse-feeling, which is RARE and HUGELY NOTABLE.
Still, I REFUSED. I said "I want to fight." And so I did. I told the girl we could take antacids, would that help? She numbly (thousand yard stare, poor thing) said yeah, and took three. Then I immediately brushed the teeth & got into pajamas, and although the body didn't feel any better, it helped pass the time and get us ready to just hop into bed later without further prep.
And that's when I sat down at this laptop! Honestly this is the best possible thing to do when feeling sick or upset; it is a TOTAL ATTENTION SHIFT from the outside to the inside, total detachment from whatever we're feeling, and it can easily be prolonged for hours so it keeps us completely safe.
Anyone who says "technology is the devil" has never talked to us, haha. Honestly, computers have given massive boosts to our growth in faith and psychological healing throughout our entire life.

...
I've been listening to Albert Guinovart on Spotify all evening. I forget how I stumbled across him, but his album "Nocturne" is gorgeous. I think I liked every single track. Infi loves it, too-- it's very evocative emotionally, which is entirely hir vibe.
We were listening to an Alex Futon album while we biked, or at least, we were trying to; we like three tracks on the album but the rest are so explicitly sexual it's disgusting. How the heck people have no shame in saying such things is beyond me. Whatever the "worldly" mind is in that respect, I do not want to go anywhere near it, ever. That's another big reason why I don't like to socialize-- people out there consciously think like that, and that is TERRIFYING.

...I was talking to Infinitii again today, in little focused bubbles of conversation, short but heavy.
Probably the MOST IMPORTANT THING we "realized" today, after being so disturbed & distressed by the religious reading on the bike, was that... technically, INFINITII IS THE ONLY "MOTHER" IN THE SYSTEM. Full stop. And... this makes me the only actual "father" of EVERY potential "system child."
Infinitii and I are literally two halves of the same soul. Yes, I always call Chaos 0 my "other half" but he's part of my heart. That was a choice on his part and mine; it wasn't inherent. But Infinitii is actually taken from my very being. 
I was freaking out over "canon law" about illegitimates and then I realized, hey hold up, I've never actually done anything like that. Not in reality, ever, and upstairs it's also been completely inapplicable. At least, from what I remember. God I hope so. That whole topic is so disturbing and buried in our past.
But... I can't think in depth about it, I'll have a trauma meltdown. The point I want to make is, Infinitii and I are inevitably the only "parents" of any creature that exists as a result of our CONSCIOUS INTENT TO REDEEM & RECTIFY ALL THE ABUSE, not as a pr*****cy, because we're the ones that GOT abused so directly. No one else. Yes, many others in the System do have trauma, but always from getting too close TO us IN our trauma.
I can't talk about this, I can feel our brain and body shutting down.
But yeah. Celebi and Chaos and even Genesis maybe might "influence" those children, but those kids are not biologically borne; they are from BLACKSPACE like every other Nousfoni, and their existences simply draw from the life-energy of ours that was traumatically misused in the past, for the sake OF "making something good come out of even that." The ultimate victory of light over dark. Good over evil. The triumph of love & truth despite all odds. That's why the kids exist; that's why Xenophon was in that bloody sink. They're literal living manifestations of transmutation-- of taking the blackest tar and, through love alone-- love that courageously refuses to surrender or give up-- transforming it into the most precious thing. Hearts of gold.

...Honestly, I think Infinitii is the only being EVER that I can be "married to" in a Christian sense.
Every time I read about it in light of faith, it's all about children. Marriage only applies TO that context; otherwise it's just a close personal relationship. Intimacy is meant for procreation and no matter how much I love Chaos 0 I cannot do that with him. Ever. I've tried, yeah, but it only goes halfway or I completely meltdown or he stops me or something else. Plus, biology is missing, conspicuously, and thank God for that.
Still. Infi is part of me. That's the ONLY way I'm going to have ANY sort of "male/female" interaction in a relationship; the Good Lord knows I've been genderqueer since my childhood, as well as completely repulsed by physical sexuality AND the very idea of being "attracted to people." To this day, even if I think some girls are pretty & some guys are handsome, the thought of "romance" or anything worse is loathsome. Absolutely nauseating. And yeah, I've tried to force it, especially for some girls I really care for, but I can't. It just cannot be honest, not from me. I have known since childhood that marriage is NOT my calling and also I just CANNOT be "a girl" and NEVER "a woman" but. My religious community absolutely rejects both those things. Hence the trauma.
Still... it's been repeatedly burned into my greymatter to the point where it has scarred. I still feel morally required TO be married & have kids but I CANNOT. I cannot be s*xual and I CANNOT be "female" especially not in THAT hideous context. It can never happen.
And then there's Infinitii. My daengel. Already "flesh of my flesh" in the same sense as Eve. The only "female" resonant being in the System besides Julie, who is arguably born of the same blackstuff. And yeah, Infi is female-resonant on an intrinsic level even if ze does not identify as such and that is OBVIOUS, I mean have you seen hir? It's built into hir very purpose, ESPECIALLY with all the trauma associations concerning shape alone, not to mention function. it's terrifying but that's why ze exists as ze does.

...

Oh, btw I added ALL the Leagueworlds to our Spotify playlist folders, even the ones that have barely any substance as of yet, and/or that might change completely. I still want to give them the chance to bloom & grow & evolve further via music, so literally everything is on there now, and open to contribution.
It feels... really touching, really heart-moving, to see all those worldnames listed.
I'm so glad I came up with the "bank" system for them, too. It's still in development of course, but the basics are down and it feels so much more connective & attentive. Plus it's another way to add color & faith to the numerical mechanics of things, you all know I love doing that for literally everything.

Speaking of the League! Today was the winter solstice, which means today I gave special loving thought to Halcyon Days, as I do every year. I didn't get to do anything for them, with everything else that happened, but I looked through their artwork and I thought about their story and I gave them so much love.
Honestly I think I need to take some time to just "get to know" ALL the Leagueworlds again, post-NC, because since then everything's been cut off from my memory due to the resultant legitimate trauma associated with our personal creativity in general.
But, silver linings, now we know what they're NOT. The horror forced us to see what was WRONG and it enabled us TO change. Just like in Job 36, go figure.


...
We're actually really hungry again? Why. Not even five hours after dinner and we're hungry. I don't get it. Bodies are so weird. We hit 1600k, how much more does the body want??? Are we getting the right macros but wrong sources?? Our nutritionist just gives us "general american diet" junk data which is frustrating. Inpatient did too. They assume everyone has the means & the stomach to just make casseroles & cook porkchops and order pizza and weird stuff like that. Can't think about that either; too much disturbance.
Well, in any case, hungry or not, the body will have to wait, because we promised Father S that we'd go to Bible Study after Mass tomorrow, so we have to be up at 7 and we won't get home to eat until probably 11pm, later if they decide to talk a lot. But we have everything but the eggs & broccoli ready, which only takes like 10 minutes. And, Father always offers food from his kitchen (yes the Bible Study is in the rectory, it's a beautiful old building) and he knows we're in recovery from an eating disorder so I am sure he'd let us eat a few grapes or something if we need it-- he's diabetic so we can rely on him having healthy food; Lord knows that disease runs in our family too so we must be careful.
Still... our headache is returning and we're already dizzy. That's not cool. I'll take our blood sugar before we go to sleep; if it really is getting too low, we'll have to pack an apple or something for the road. We don't want to pass out or crash.

But yes, I promised my boss I'd be in bed for midnight which gives me 11 minutes as of right now to get there.
That is nowhere near enough time to clean up this entry, but at least I made the effort to type even after the struggles of today-- if I didn't, it would snowball. This honest journaling is an intrinsic part of our healing and our hope.

Anniversary in 24 hours. Christmas in 48. God only knows what will happen, but if we keep holding on to faith hope & love, it will be beautiful.
God has never let us down, especially not for the holidays. So we can anchor our joy to that, no matter what.

(unfinished entry; posting openly regardless for honesty's sake)


Woke up around 10:15

RAN to doctors office for 11AM.
At one point, two Latino guys crossed the street towards me and I NEARLY BLACKED OUT FROM TERROR. That is EXACTLY what happened that morning I was punched out and mugged in NC. I felt horrible immediately running across the road away from them, but please it wasn't personal it was a survival response and I hated myself for it. Still, I was shaking. Every car that drove past me, I literally expected it to slow down and stop and for someone to grab me and pull me into it, or for someone to start making lascivious remarks, or something similarly terrorizing. The entire jog over was panicstricken. I felt SO unsafe and targeted and in danger.
This is no way to live. I'm practically agoraphobic at this point. The sight of a crowd makes me want to throw up from fear. If people get too close there's a coin's toss chance of my either becoming the "pretty and proper doll" or the rabid animal that will rip your arm off if you get too close. I hate living this way. Trauma has ruined me and I don't want to be like this. It's not me but I can't turn it off.

Didn't get home until 230PM.
We were smart and had everything out ready to prep so it didn't take long to make breakfast.
Sat down at 3pm. Had to push almost 1000K because it was so late; if we ate less now, we'd be hungry enough later to possibly binge, and we wanted to prevent that at all costs.
Basically we just doubled the broccoli and olive oil, added another half an apple and some sun chips. Simple really. As I said before, we've got a set mealplan now so there's no prep or planning stress anymore, unless we obsess over macros. The System is helping with that; just because we love even numbers and ratios doesn't mean that if we have 49/29/22 instead of 50/30/20 we've "failed" and it's "wrong". That obsessiveness is one of our biggest dangers, so we're being very wary of it. Again, communication is key-- which means TALKING, not "shutting people down." When an ED Nousfoni is resorting to "behaviors" you TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT. You ask them what's up, what are you feeling, what do you want to do, what would help, etc. NO "stop that" or "that's bad" or "you're being stupid" or anything our family might realistically say. No. We treat them as the friend and family they are and we HELP THEM.
...Laurie's new "mercy" attribute is actually helping a LOT more than anyone expected. She's been telling Spice "let 'em have an extra chip" when that one girl asks for them. And... today the girl said "NO THANK YOU." Like, when she was able to have what she wanted when she "craved" it at first, she LEARNED to not "need" it??? She admitted today that yeah, she always enjoys them, BUT she doesn't want to "keep eating them" just because of that. She said she would "rather wait until later" to make it "special" and to eat with everybody else, not at random from a drawer, by herself, feeling rejected and alienated. We're including and acknowledging these kids, which NO ONE OUTSIDE EVER DID, and it is MOVING MOUNTAINS in their recovery. Thank God. This is wonderful. There's so much love in here.

We just... need to do that for the other damaged Nousfoni in the System. The other half of the abuse.


...On that note.
Massive trigger warning for outright trauma talk coming up here.

...After breakfast, we made the mistake of going on Tumblr for a few minutes to distract ourselves from our body going "oh thank God we're finally eating" and not 'registering' that we're done for now (it usually takes about an hour; we can deal with that). We were just scrolling down our dashboard, but... we forgot that some of the folks we follow can post some very triggering things.

I swear I am about three seconds away from burning that website to the ground.
Really, I'm about a millisecond away from burning EVERYTHING of our pervading society to the ground.

I'm so sick of "pop culture" and "memes" and "the in-crowd" and "current fashions" and "modern thinking" and "new age" garbage. I am so bloody tired and furious over "liberalism" and "progressivism" and "humanism" and all that garbage. I hate what our governments are doing. I hate the hellscape they are turning this planet into. I hate how the "powers that be" are trivializing and abusing and objectifying and desecrating human life and worth and purpose. And SO MUCH OF THAT seems to be hyperdensified on the bloody internet.
Cyberspace is where the ugliest, most vicious, most demonic thoughts and ideas fester and propagate and infect countless minds. The most inhumane and immoral concepts seem to seed themselves there. Humanity dehumanizes itself online, even moreso than offline in my opinion, because online they strip themselves of a concrete identity and can exist as an anonymous point of corruption. There are entire websites where people salaciously share their most degenerate ideas without shame or even accountability. It's nauseating. I want to take a bloody hacksaw to it.

What set me off, you ask. An absolutely repulsive post about planned parenthood is what.
I apologize for all the vulgar intensifiers but I am FURIOUS and I have no other readily available way to translate that in an immediate candid manner, other than crushing this keyboard with my teeth.
Anyway. Apparently they have this "chatbot" on their website which is meant to """educate""" visitors on... topics that should NOT be discussed so lackadaisically. I always use the term "blasphemously" for this sort of talk because dammit it IS, when you get down to it.
You know what, let's just be blunt. No stupid "euphemisms" or "friendly talk" about things that should NOT be treated so insouciantly.
First off. The bot says it's "here to answer your questions about bodies, sex, and relationships." Pardon my french but KINDLY SHOVE THE HECK OFF. I loathe when people use the term "bodies" in that cursory way. It feels so coarse and degrading. And I REALLY HATE when "sex" is treated like a CONVERSATION TOPIC. I'm this close to spitting bullets, ESPECIALLY since the whole gross trio concludes with "relationships." IN THAT SAME CONTEXT. It's a subtle injection of sexuality INTO that word's definition IN GENERAL.

This corrupt chatbot is turning children into ADDICTS is what it is.
It's the same reason kids develop eating disorders and drug habits. People find out something that the human body can do and then abuse it to death.

Yeah, I said children. THAT'S what has me so enraged. The bot asks for your age, but BEFORE that it says, "don't worry... it won't take long. I can wait." And the demonic emoji winks at you.
I swear I was about to punch my computer screen. It felt LECHEROUS. Listen I have been through childhood sexual trauma and my traumabrain IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES THOSE DANGER SIGNS and THAT WAS ONE OF THEM.
"Don't worry" my ass. "It won't take long" has me wanting to eviscerate someone on the spot; that is the HALLMARK of sxabuse. "I can wait, WINK," don't say that to me unless you want your tongue ripped out and shoved down your bloody throat. No you CAN'T wait, you're so freaking hellbent on getting what you want that the "waiting" is just another means of torturing your victim. They can't escape, and they can't fake enthusiasm anymore, so as they drag themselves through the dread, screaming internally, to puppet-dance the way you want, you can absolutely "wait" with that simpering smile on your face, emptily reassuring them "don't worry! it's okay! it won't take long! it won't hurt! it's okay! it's normal! this is a good thing! it'll be fun! you'll enjoy it!" etc etc etc straight to hell.
Sorry. Kind of horrorventing here. It can't be prevented if I refuse to censor this pain.
But yeah. THEN you can enter your alleged ethnicity, gender, and age. The first is straightforward; the second is fairly tame too-- it allows for binary, nonbinary, trans, intersex, questioning, fluid, & "cis." I won't get into that topic now because yes I am Catholic and I do believe that the binary is legit for spiritual reasons BUT I also know that intersex is a real thing, AND that the chemicals I had pumped into me as a baby gave me medically induced dysphoria, so gender confusion is the "story of my life" and I cannot judge others for feeling the same, even if my more "tradcath" brethren tend to sweep the table clear of all of their concerns without a thought.
My problem here is with the age options.
IT STARTS AT "TWELVE AND UNDER."
I am going to frickin GUT SOMEBODY.

Here I am, "roleplaying" myself as a terrified tween, and when I ask "does it hurt" and "is it normal to bleed" they're like "yeah it can happen but sex can also be fun" YOU'RE THE DEVIL. STOP ACTING LIKE IT'S OKAY FOR A LITERAL TWELVE YEAR OLD TO BE ASKING ABOUT THIS.
...I'm just thankful that there is a page on "consent" there, under the "relationships" tab. The bot says: "Consent means that whether you’re kissing, holding hands, or having sex, both people are really, truly into what’s going on, and no one is being guilted or pressured into anything."
...THAT is something I wish someone told me as a kid, that bit about guilt. I was always told push through it, this is what you SHOULD do, etc. I just wish they used the word fear, too. Not just "pressure." Sometimes the other person seems "fine" but you're absolutely terrified and you don't want this but... they're not being mean, they're doing things that are supposed to be nice and kind, right? so shouldn't i just do what they want? 

Another good point:
"When a relationship is healthy, you feel good about yourselves and each other most of the time. You both feel like you have respect, kindness, trust, honesty, equality, and good communication. And you also give each other space to have your own lives outside the relationship."
...That's not something I've ever had in the waking world, sadly. I don't want to go in-depth now but it is deeply depressing.
You know, what the heck. No running away. In-depth it is.
"Respect" was always shallow and fleeting, and it refused to "learn too much." They'd claim to give it, but it was just a word. It was more like temporary tolerance UNTIL you changed to become something they were more comfortable with. "I respect you," they would say, but they wouldn't follow through. This one is hard to put words to. I guess it's how Jade feels, too. People claim "respect" and then blatantly act in contrast to it, especially in subtle ways-- with her, it's the constant deadnaming and mispronouning, the casual invalidations of their spiritual beliefs and identity, EVEN from people who say "I respect you; you can identify as and believe whatever you want!" They forget to add the key part: "...and I will treat that identity and belief WITH respect." That part is conspicuously missing. Even from me, in the past, I have to confess. I didn't understand this virtue well myself, and honestly STILL don't, what with the Catholic aspect of it. "You CANNOT respect heretics," I'm told. "You SHOULD invalidate and denounce them. God's Law is more important than someone else's delusions." Well, yes, intellectually so. But... if I know that telling someone "your feelings and beliefs are false, but mine are not" is going to send them into a suicidal breakdown, I'm NOT going to say it, even "indirectly" through behavior and language. Except... I have been doing that. It's because I don't respect MYSELF, either. I've never been respected for who I am and what I believe, so... I can't properly show it to myself, OR to others, as a result. I'm genuinely struggling with this. I'm glad I'm writing that down. It's something I MUST work with, intrapersonally and interpersonally.
"Kindness"... same thing. Too much disingenuous behavior there. I try to think of examples of "kindness" and outside of parental care, I... can't find much. What do I define as "kindness," personally, I must ask. It means... acting and speaking in ways that do not harm, that actively work towards a benevolent end for someone, that is gentle and considerate and compassionate. Kindness. Treat others with friendship and care. Be personally invested in their well-being. It's a monolith virtue, really, a close sister to Love itself. And... like I've been hinting at in my recent Scripture studies, I haven't always been kind. I WANT to be, and I do try to be, but... I fail, a lot. I'm usually too scared to do what is "kind," because "I'm afraid of the cost and consequences to myself." WHY. WHAT MADE ME SUCH A COWARD. Is it the stupid trauma? That my "fear of others" has become so pervasive as to undermine kindness? That I hesitate to offer a helping hand because it might get stabbed or bitten? Or because they might grab it and pull me to the ground and use me all the more "now that I've given them unspoken permission?" Why do I see "kindness" acted upon as a "doorway to abuse?" My mom tells me this ALL THE TIME. "You need to be harsh and mean towards people," she says, "or they'll treat you like garbage. You need to learn how to shout back, and fight back, and when they push you then you push back harder." et cetera. I don't want to be like that. Good God is this why I feel so achingly drawn to Mimic??? "Friendship is a weakness" and all that? Yeah I have to be brutally honest and admit that DEFINITELY has its fangs in me somewhere. I do avoid making friends, even though I desperately want to, because... all my past friendships have damaged me. They've "put my life on the line" and I always ended up feeling like a trapped animal, even when I did love and care for the other person. Somehow, in the end, the "friendship" always had a huge price tag attached. My Christian instinct tells me, "all the better! Love is most virtuous when it is unrequited and even rejected! You can only be TRULY kind if you are choosing to be kind to someone who treats you like trash!" "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." I adore that line but it haunts me, too. I WANT to be a kind person. And yes I want Mimic to learn how to be kind, too, but I've gotta admit half of that is definitely a mutual-problem projection. I see how he brazenly throws people under the bus to save his own tentacles but I have done that in less obvious ways, too. I cannot tell you how many times I've woken up, shaken, from dreams in which some catastrophe is occurring and I don't run back in to save anyone. I get myself out of there and THEN I realize, "oh no, I didn't save anyone else." My instinct was to get my own worthless self out of there, and if everyone else died... well. I wake up in a cold sweat and hating myself. But I refuse to surrender to despair. I refuse to define myself by those base impulses. If that IS what my subconscious is geared to do, then God help me I had BETTER WORK TO CHANGE THAT. I can't give in to the darkness that I KNOW is lurking in me. I WON'T. I am DETERMINED to be a kind person. I just... most days, I get so scared that it's not possible. I fear I'm too evil TO be kind. But dammit I still try. I still stop and listen to my neighbors talk even when I'm almost grinding my teeth with impatience; I stop and make the effort to genuinely listen and comment and care, because I DO care, I just don't like talking. And that selfish bit likes to overpower any sincerity. Same with the Christmas cards I keep getting. I could easily chuck 'em in the bin and say "I don't know these people" OR I could go the "religious spite" route and say "these are all secular cards, I'll send them all explicitly religious ones in return", OR I could grumble and protest "I can't afford to send so many cards," OR I could do what I'm REALLY tempted to do, which is to say "if I send them a card back, that's opening the door to ANOTHER controlling "relationship" and I am so tired of feeling obligated to entertain and chat with everyone; if I just snub them all maybe they'll leave me alone and I'll have peace." But deep down I'd be miserable, because I STILL LOVE PEOPLE and I DO want to give them all Christmas cards but I'd love to do so anonymously. Except if they asked I couldn't lie. And I AM overwhelmed by the effort. But dammit LOVE IS EFFORT, and it's a CHOSEN EFFORT, so unless I REALLY want to be a hypocrite I had better buy some cards and do this. I want to, in my heart of hearts. My TRUE "instinct" is to not only send cards, but gifts and flowers and the whole shebang. My deepest urge is to lavish love on everyone, like I did in high school, when I first had a job and didn't understand the concept of "savings" and all that. It was just, "oh cool I have cash, I'll buy myself something and then I'll buy SO MANY GIFTS." I made it a point of honor to spend at LEAST $100 PER PERSON on EVERY HOLIDAY. And back then my ONLY complaint was that I didn't have enough money. NOT gripingly-- more like, "if I DID have more cash I could get stuff for MORE people!" I didn't care about the cash. I just wanted to dote. My only regret in hindsight is that, due to my upbringing, I had "gifts" as a "love language" forced upon me. It's what my immediate social circle demanded. Touch was considered whorish and filthy, Words were considered empty and easily forgotten or skewed-- AND I couldn't give them casually; you know me and words-- Time was something I didn't have in order to give, and Acts were fused with gifts, really. I lived that "act" bit; it was my default. It subtly still is. If I see a "good deed" I can do, I'll do it, especially anonymously. But I'm rambling. I WANT to be kinder. Just... I struggle. And I struggle with naming examples of it shown to me, at first. The only ones I have feel so hollow it actually hurts. Like, "I got Christmas cards from the neighbors!" but they were given to everyone, just a generic "happy holidays hope it's fun" with a signature, and I've never met them in person. Is that the criteria for kindness? If I set the bar that low for defining this virtue, will I slack off as well? And will I ever admit my need of kindness in my life, if I just settle for the most robotic expression? Again, Christian-brain says "yes! You shouldn't seek kindness to be given to you! You should be happy with being treated like dirt! Your feelings don't matter. What matters is BEING kind. If others are kind to you, remember they don't owe it to you, and for all you've done you don't deserve it either. It's not a reward or a recompense. Be grateful for it, but don't cling to it." And although that is sound advice I'm starving for some actual sweetness here, I might sound like a whore but I want someone to WANT to be kind to me, even "just because." Honestly that's one of the things I was thinking about with Mimic, earlier. "Virtue is only virtue in extremis" again. Love is a CHOICE, and it's PURE that way. It DOESN'T use words like "deserve" and "owe" and "should." If it did, then it would exclude and judge others. But no. Love, and kindness, and all virtue, DECIDES to just do good for others because they exist. Simple as that. "Why me," and I say "why not you," and when they list all the reasons why they "don't deserve to be cared for" it just... honestly it should just go over my head. Love doesn't care about that. It doesn't justify things, no, it wants you to do better and heal and move forwards, BUT it also doesn't deem you "unlovable" because of them. That's the fragile dance. To truly be kind, to truly love, you MUST see and love and care for the WHOLE ENTIRE REAL PERSON, without labeling them, AND without "leaving them in the dirt" either. I want what's best for them, honestly best, what will bring genuine joy and purpose to their life, what will not hurt their soul. That's shown through kindness... through mercy. God shows me that all the time. I haven't gotten it much from people. But I need to make a list, and NOT one that says stuff like "they didn't throw me on the streets when I was being a bitch" and "they still fed me even if I was an ungrateful pig" and "they didn't insult me when I shared my personality" BECAUSE it doesn't mean "they went out of their way to make me feel safe" or "they were respectful and considerate when I displayed negative symptoms" or "they talked to me about what I valued with a genuine interest." I don't have things like that to list. And that's where kindness is really shown. It's heartfelt.
"Trust". That one hurts. I always "trusted" BUT it also always occurred IN OPPOSITION. I would be scared to death BUT I would still choose to "trust" because "that's what good people do," and "they're not a bad person!" But... I don't think anyone ever trusted me, in contrast. Ever. I didn't deserve it, though. I admit that. It still hurts to realize. I have longtime issues with compulsive lying, and half-truths, and sometimes not even knowing what's real or not due to dissociation or derealization. Not only that, but my "people-pleasing" programming often "makes" me knee-jerk agree or offer to do things that I'm NOT CAPABLE OF DOING, or even willing to do in the first place. And it happens SO AUTOMATICALLY that the only escape I have is... making myself a liar. I'll say "yeah I'll do that" or "yes I like that" or "yes that's okay" or "no there's no problem" etc. and it's completely false BUT I say it so reflexively. And then I'm pinned like a butterfly to a board. Doomed, unless I bail and run. It happens far too often, and then people call me "two-faced" and a "manipulator" and all sorts of just accusations but I honestly don't know what else to do. I am COMPLETELY untrustworthy in bodyspace, and probably have been since my youth. I grew up in a family that legit taught me to lie and even ENCOURAGED it in many situations. My mother STILL TELLS ME OUTRIGHT to "lie" to get out of trouble, or avoid an undesired outcome, or to "make things easier" or the like. She doesn't see it as lying if "the ends justify the means," I guess. But then you can't be trusted, if you do things like that. And I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE TRUSTED. If I had to make a list of my emotional needs that would be one of the first three, hands-down. Again... this is something Chaos 0 & I talk about very often and we bond over it a lot, too. But... maybe even more than him, I know what it's like to be constantly suspected, to be assumed guilty without trial, to be seen as inherently deceptive and shady... to be known as a backstabber, a double-crosser, a traitor. God knows I have literally heard those words more often than I want to count, let alone admit. And I deserve it. But just like kindness, God I WANT to be trustworthy, so badly it's killing me. I WANT to be reliable, and honorable, and loyal and true and faithful. I want my word to mean something, that when I give it, it can be depended on. I want to be staunch and stalwart and steadfast, like a rock-- like a precious stone, isn't that ironic.
"Honesty." This ties into "trust," and as a result it's probably what I've had the least of in my life. You can't trust someone if they're not honest. But... again, it's what I've lived with, and learned. My family always wore masks, hid things, told baldfaced lies. My "relationships" were hallmarked by people admitting to personae and playing roles. I never knew who people actually were. I never knew what they actually felt or thought or wanted or intended. I never knew how to be myself, either, with that atmosphere. So I wasn't honest, either, out of fear and self-distrust. What a stupid irony. All I wanted was for people to be honest, but... when I tried to be honest myself, I got punished, or called a liar anyway.
"Equality." Not even sure how to define that. With my family, it's prominently lacking-- I've told therapists before how I was always treated shockingly differently from my siblings because I was born with different chromosomes.
"Good communication." Another absolute F on my report card here.
"Space to have your own lives." ...This one was the killing bullet in all my "relationships." I was always caught in situations where I was bound to "exist FOR the relationship ONLY."

...The only healthy relationships I've ever had are in headspace, and even those have so many rough spots because I fail to live up to my part.

(continue)
...


Sorry for rambling. Let's get back on the main topic so I can be done with this.
Next is ABOUT THAT "CONSENT" THING. Notice what they grouped together? "Sex" and "kissing" and "hand holding." Three COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS that can overlap but SHOULD NOT BE GROUPED BY DEFAULT. EVER.
That's the disgusting slippery slope mentality that has turned my life into a living hell SINCE childhood. It infects EVERYTHING. How in the world are you supposed to have a NONSEXUALIZED RELATIONSHIP if people keep subtly associating innocent acts of affection and closeness with literal intercourse??? Like if you have one, you're GOING to have the other. It's one of the most devilish things that ever happened to me, internalizing that after hearing it ad nauseam.
...

I'm just so disturbed by this entire bank of info they offer because it's split between two opposing things. On one hand, they're legit giving some good information. They're fairly informative about how to get help after abuse & what pregnancy is & why consent is important, BUT they're also speaking FROM A BASEPOINT of "it's ALSO okay to masturbate and have abortions and treat sex like a toy!" NO IT'S NOT. And that corrupted foundation wrecks the whole entire thing.
There's a sentence in their info pages that basically says "pregnancy can result from sex." WHAT THE HECK, WHAT DO YOU THINK SEX IS FOR??? But here it is: on another page "People define 'sex' in different ways!" MORE TRAUMA LIES.
Honestly the dichotomy on this site is insane. On one hand they're treating sex like a game or a recreational activity-- they're giving tips to literal children on how to abuse their own sexuality, telling them "only you know when you're ready" and "virginity varies from person to person" and other such garbage. They talk about sex like it's this "fun thing to do" AND YET they have full sections on rape and assault and bloody abortions. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS. IT CANNOT BE BOTH.

I'm sorry, I cannot do this. The wrath is quickly turning into absolute existential despair and I am going to end up having nightmares and flashbacks and abusive episodes if I keep this up. No.

...Someone commented on the Tumblr post, "Applying their own twisted morality to impressionable children is grooming and abuse."
I agree entirely. That's what has me so wrecked about this. I see the entire traumatic pattern of my past looming over any children who stumble across this abomination. I wasn't "ignorant" when it happened to me, and it didn't help at all. You can sugarcoat extramarital underage sex all you want, it doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it not terrifying either.

...
I am so bloody angry. And I want to scream and cry on some deeper level.
There are so many nousfoni that deal with so many aspects of this. Julie and Infinitii and Ashen and Dread and all the adult women that (thank God) we haven't seen in ages. The little boys who are so unstable they're almost not alive. The little girls who shriek constantly. Sugar and Wreckage and all the other unnamed Protectors who would tear out the throat of any would-be assaulter on a dime.
And then there's me, of all people, me and my awful Red heart, acting like Cupid hirself and defending this entire topic with all my might and yet I'm such a stupid hypocrite, aren't I? I'm a tangle of paradoxes. Queer transgender Catholic. Fictoromantic asexual cardiophile. Obsessed with sensuality but grossed out by physical bodies in general. I mean for God's sake my daengel is Infinitii, I can sputter out all the fumbling alibis I want but ze is the damning evidence, the judge's hammer personified.
...Yesterday night, I clicked on hir Spotify playlist.

(continue)

...

We got a text from our new therapist around 6:30, which was good because we were getting so emotionally distressed that we needed a break from typing this. Unfortunately she sent us a "Depression Inventory" to fill out, haha. We're not touching it until tomorrow when we can answer it in earnest with a clearer head. Right now everything would be skewed from being so mentally disheveled.
But yeah, we ACTUALLY have our intake appointment tomorrow at 1pm! Thank GOD; our CPTSD symptoms have been getting pretty bad post-inpatient and have been spiking lately with all the family overwhelm and online triggers. I think it'll be a video appointment; I don't think we'll have a car until Sunday (and we have to go shopping then anyway, as much as we hate to on a Sunday; we'll have to put Larnelle Harris on loop while we drive). But the new therapist is actually only a few minutes away from our apartment! So that's awesome. I'll have to check if there's a local bus that goes that way, maybe we can schedule around that? We'll see.

We spent a little while filling out the "new patient data" and skimming through the legal jargon; we're very familiar with it but it still needs to be reviewed and signed before we can become a legit patient. HOWEVER. This is the first time we've been asked for our gender and pronouns on a form. Remembering how disturbing it was to "wake up" as a System DURING INPATIENT-- AGAIN-- and to realize that whoever had been driving prior was presenting us as the birth default, which literally does not apply when we're PLURAL in any case. So, seeing it on this paper, we recognized that we had to be completely honest about it. Pronouns are they/them of course, but "gender?" How do we state that? Yes, it varies in-System, but the System as a whole isn't fronting as a whole during therapy. That's gonna ideally be the Core. But... they're not binary, and they're not actually "nonbinary" either, since-- as Catholics-- we DO recognize that male/female dichotomy as a legit split and that is apparent in the System, even with folks who are ACTUALLY "nonbinary" in that they are nonhuman and sexless. Typically people still choose one set of binary pronouns, and see that pink-blue complement as a sliding scale, almost? Like, look at Laurie. "She" is OBVIOUSLY not "female." She's not a "girl." BUT she's also not a "boy". Literally Laurie is "neuter," as all Nousfoni are, with the VERY rare function-based exceptions of Julie and Infinitii. Nevertheless, our System still recognizes "masculine" and "feminine" as valid descriptors... BUT IN AN ANDROGYNOUS FASHION. And THAT is what hit hard, thinking about our "body gender" today. Laurie uses "female" pronouns, but in the System, "femininity" is ONLY safe if it's "MASCULINE." Likewise, Knife uses "male" pronouns, but "masculinity" is ONLY safe if it's "FEMININE." Literally both binaries paradoxically merge the binary into a united harmony? While still being "independent" qualities? It's kinda beautiful really and yes we CAN have "feminine girls" and "masculine guys" but they historically tend to be abusive or corrupt. Child Nousfoni don't really adhere to this at all, because their presentations are almost always wrecked by trauma. Not only that, but "male/female" behavior characteristics really don't appear until the teenage years, so to speak. Before that, it's straight-up androgyny. And THAT'S what we really present as, physically. We NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE. We DO get dysphoria-- we look in the mirror and to this day the body looks wrong and feels foreign and we are always taken by surprise in that respect, negatively so-- BUT it goes for BOTH BINARY CHARACTERISTICS. We don't want ANY reproductive organs, which is priority, so for years we thought we were "neutrois" or "agender"... but then we realized we felt comfortable with facial hair and a more "masculine" presentation. BUT even as we lived "as a guy," we didn't want to BE a male? Not the way the world saw males, at least. We didn't want to "be in that group," or associate with that label. But we ALSO DID NOT EVER WANT TO BE CONSIDERED A GIRL, even moreso than a boy. Furthermore, the "adulthood" thing feels wrong in BOTH ways, possibly due to trauma, UNLESS we're a DAD. THEN we can be a "man." Our personal identity on the masculine side is hilariously weird-- either we're an anime protagonist dude, or we're a videogame single father, haha. Those are the tropes that fit! As for our "feminine" side, there's... not one? Which is BIZARRE. We do have "feminine traits" and yeah we were trying on dresses the other day, but we must always add that "boyish" edge or it feels COMPLETELY WRONG. We cannot have long hair, or makeup, or too much jewelry, because the instant we "step over the androgyne line" we're NOT OURSELF.
So... that seems to be the gender term for us to use, to communicate this properly. "Androgynous." A mixture of male and female, WITHOUT BEING EITHER. It's a "third gender," that doesn't reject the other two. We'll "wear" this term for a while and see how other people respond to and perceive it, to make sure it's giving the correct impression, even if they don't know we're a System-- probably especially so. In any case, that's what we put on the intake form. "Androgyne, they/them." So that was a little milestone.

It was getting late around that time, and we needed to eat at 8:30 at the latest, so we put in a solid effort to exercise around 7:45. We got 35 minutes in, but again we had to put the resistance on 4 and go slow because we're still nauseous and we KEEP getting palpitations when we exert ourselves at all? The edema in our legs is back, too, as of last night, which we haven't had since inpatient. What the heck is up with all this? It hit so suddenly and won't go away. The "malaise" is awful. Did we catch COVID again and not realize it, what with all the running around we've been doing with mom while in such a stressed-out state? God only knows, but I hope it's not that serious. We'll see, I guess.
...Actually hold up, our bloodwork results from this morning just came in. Our CMP is ACTUALLY NORMAL across the board, which I don't think has happened in YEARS. However our CBC shows that our WBC (white blood cells) are still in the low zone, BUT now our HCT (red blood cells) are really high? Which is NEW. Hopefully it's just dehydration, and not heart trouble. At least this explains the headaches, dizziness, & fatigue, apparently. At least our platelets are completely average; platelet disorders run in our family. I'm just hoping that this white/red imbalance (how ironic) isn't... well, cancer. That runs in our family, too. But... our grandmother suffered and died from it, so if we had to, too... it would be a weirdly bittersweet sort of recompense. Like we could share that, empathize with her, after the fact. I don't know. I'm worrying too much, getting too close to unearthing that unresolved and crushing guilt for her death. I can't handle that right now. Therapy is tomorrow. We'll see what the doctor says about the blood. Tonight we can't do anything about either, so put it in God's hands and let it go.

Anyway. Dinner was at 8:45, I think? No carrots this time, and a full bag of broccoli (we were craving it for some reason). Also, Xenophon reminded us that she wanted to try eating the "wiggly egg" on the english muffin we always have, so we did that-- and it was really nice actually? So we thanked her and shared it with her and we're definitely doing that for dinner from now on, haha.
We're also completely out of all all yogurt flavors except vanilla, which is our favorite so no complaints there. We had the last cherry one today and I still can't figure out if I "like" that fruit as more than a concept or not. Yes, it's red and glossy, but do we like the taste of it? No clue. No idea why our brain does that in any case, the whole "conceptual fondness" thing. It's interesting as much as it's frustrating, as it makes it very hard to form our "own opinions" because "preferences" don't really exist in that "obligatory" context. We're trying to work on it, but it's all experimental, so to speak. So we'll have to try another cherry one when we do a grocery run.
Oh. That reminds me. That dream I had yesterday morning... well, after that scene the dream did what dreams love to do and got a bit random. Apparently we had to "reintegrate Mimic back into society" and part of that process somehow involved teaching him to eat properly?? Which feels like a specific subconscious reference to our inpatient treatment & release. But, the only food the Restoration crew had on hand was yogurt. Like tons of bizarre flavors of it. Amusingly, Mimic was trying them all, as interestedly as if he had never eaten legit food before. I remember one of them was like... "Lingonberry & Brass." Yes as in the metal. Apparently this was his favorite one too, haha. Thinking about all this after I had this sudden mental image of Tangle asking Mimic "why are you eating all the yogurt" and his reply was just "no bones." Which is HILARIOUS, what the heck dude. So now, uh, when we go shopping I'm going to have to try lingonberry flavor. Just because.

Ah hold up I just remembered what else I had to tell you!
Xenophon (thankfully) pushed me to do MUSIC WRITING today. "Even just three notes, dad," she said. So I went on the League laptop (good ol' Scherzando) and started by finding all our old FL Studio files-- honestly the last time we were really prolific musically was from 2008-2015, with Abbey and that "temp laptop" that a Protector/Persecutor literally destroyed when they found out hackers were using it. We still mourn that loss-- it happened during the most productive creative phase we've had in YEARS, and... everything was gone in an instant. Days worth of art and music and writing, erased with one furious punch to the motherboard. Gone. Still, it was fitting penance; we were in the WORST state of our mind as well, simultaneously. We still refer to 2015 as the "hell year," even if we don't actively remember it. That's the reason it's missing from recall.
Anyway. We want to start again. So I found the old files, and moved them all into their League folders, but when I got to Imagirealm (Otherside) and FFN I forgot that their tunes had been moved into other Leagueworlds somewhat? So I stopped, and decided, "let's bring up ALL the FL filenames and check for location doubles." Surprisingly there were only like three; everything else had been correctly moved prior, apparently... and then there was this one file in a subfolder for Oneircia?? We FORGOT that when we almost scrapped "Immaculata" we dumped the "angel" file into Oneircia as a placeholder, and there was a tiny music loop saved in it. "handbells_2". Just a short thing, but it had such a cool vibe and I really liked how the handbell sound had been edited to sound "rounder" and more metallic. Wondering where to put it, I started adding some chords to the melody line, just for fun, and then thought "hm I wonder what to do for a bassline" and decided "let's go full-out grunge kicks" and tossed one in there. Well it sounds BOSS now. And I had to stick a limiter on it because that bass was peaking instantly, haha. But yeah, I spent like an hour just having fun with that. I miss that-- creating for the sake of creating, even just loops, because they're still beautiful sounds and they still enrich and express the Worlds they later are given to. I think we're going to keep this one in "Immaculata," because I don't want to scrap ANY Leagueworld, and this little tunebit-- which I'm calling "warrior angel" for now-- might be just the seed it needs to regrow into something real.
You know... it actually sounds like something I would have written back in college. It's got that same vibe. That means a lot to me, considering we thought that creative spark was lost after the trauma resurgence of the same time period. Apparently not, thanks be to God, because we just made something from that spark! 
Oh and when we exercise now I have ALL the Leaguetunes that exist on our phone now, so we can LISTEN to them again. And I FORGOT how much I legit LOVE the Flairousia OSTs!! Those are my "fun" projects; little transformation themes for each character that follow the same rough structure but NEED to match their personal "elemental" vibe. And they're SO FUN TO LISTEN TO. Gosh I need to jump back into writing THOSE, even if the series is under major rehaul right now. Don't care bro, I'm still gonna compose stuff for it. Heck, it might even help with the reconstruction! In any case, the music MUST still be relevant and it WILL be. So that's my next goal-- FINISH YVONNE'S TRANSFORMATION THEME FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, haha. It's the only one NOT complete from the first generation of kids. Then I can work on the other dozens of 'em, geez louise. *dean mccoppin pose* ART!
(OH and Neon Flames Phase Two STILL ROCKS. It's such a dynamic track.)
Lastly I just brought this topic up because exporting it as an mp3 was taking forever and it's probably done an hour later, haha. So let me go close that up and I'll come back here to the new laptop (good ol' Sophrosyne) and close this up so we can SLEEP for heavens sakes, it's 1am already and we NEED to get like nine hours in to make up for the past two nights. 


Sorry for the emotional whiplash AND obvious multiple authors in this entry but this screen's been open for hours.
It's good, though. We're being completely sincere with our life, moment to moment, with this daily journaling again. Recording the pain and sorrow as well as the love and joy... it's essential.
We'll be back here again tomorrow to do the same.

(written on 120722; backposted for chronological accuracy)
(unfinished; will continue, refine, & edit later)


December 1st, Thursday.
4545 steps on the pedometer. We must have gone out.

Breakfast at 12:30???
There's a thank-you note to HARMONIA in the log!!
 
Lunch was at 20:30 WTF.
It's also apparent disaster. There are unusual items listed-- pear, tomato, spinach. So we apparently went shopping AND bought without a list, indicating a manic-leaning state, and definite dissociative compulsions.
I know for a fact we purged all of this. We got very sick from the spinach (so does our mom and brother; we think it's a histamine sensitivity, and we need to stop ignoring the fact that we DO react the same) and Allegra freaked out so that was our "emergency exit."

As for the rest of the day... well, considering this was the day after the entry in which we mentioned the library sale, and since we got home SO LATE, this was DEFINITELY a day when we went shopping WITH MOM.
Ah yes-- checking the camera log, it was. We went BACK to the mall and mom had us try on so many dresses, insisting on buying two of them for us to wear to church. Honestly it was... kind of disturbing and highly triggering at times. She KNOWS we're not cis, and haven't been for OUR WHOLE LIFE, and even presented fulltime as MALE for like... a full decade. She KNOWS this. And yet she STILL forces femininity on us, sometimes VERY bluntly and without much tact. Does... does she not remember or realize how badly that triggers us? When she goes out of her way to call us a "woman" or insist on us being "feminine" AND still talks about our body in sexualized terms JUST LIKE SHE DID WHEN WE WERE YOUNG, which started this whole hell of trauma grooming-- does she do so because she's trying to gaslight us into becoming what SHE wants and that she KNOWS we're NOT? Because as much as I hate to say it, that is something she would do. She... can be stubborn, and VERY much in denial.
...
Still, we look... really good in a few of those outfits, haha. And we DID try on the "Genesis dress" although it admittedly paled in comparison to the dresses our mom picked. That woman has an EYE for fashion, let me tell you.
You get ONE PHOTO

That's our favorite one, that we picked out-- obviously, because it's red with gemstones, come on


Phone image downloads indicate that we were on Tumblr doing faithbrowsing, as it were, while we were eating that hyperlate lunch.
It ALSO shows that, around 13:30, we checked out our "Spotify Wrapped," which we always look forward to because music is SO IMPORTANT to us as a System, AND it is the #1 CHRONOLOGICAL ANCHOR for us. Listening to tunes is a legit time machine; so every end-of-year summary brings back FLOODS of unexpected memories.

Our top tracks were:
1. SUPER SONIC RACING AW YEAAAAH SON!!! This was our TREADMILL TUNE during our gym phase in March/April, before COVID knocked us on our collective ass.
2. "I Still Have That Other Girl" by Burt Bacharach & Elvis Costello... which was me & Laurie's lovesong for the year. I'm serious.
3. "Brainwash" by Nils Frahm. For some reason, this song makes me think of Celebi??
4. "Wandering II -  Ed Carlsen Rework" by Eydis Evensen, which sounds JUST LIKE CHAOS 0 and it's beautiful. I remember looping it the week before we were admitted to inpatient treatment. 
5. "Hummingbird" by Anomalie & Bad Snacks, which is XENOPHON'S song!

Our top artists were:
1. Eydis Evensen. I'm surprised, and yet I'm not-- we didn't listen to much Spotify this year, BUT in those two weeks post-hallbed and pre-inpatient, we were so depressed and ALWAYS on the road for some reason? But we just put her albums on loop. They matched how we felt.
2. SEGA SOUND TEAM
3. Todd Rundgren! I'm not sure why but it's so good to see him up here, as he's a cornerstone in our lifetime music history.
4. Hauschka!
5. Ola Gjeilo. This is no surprise, because at some point during the year we had a Leaguework dive and we were looping their selfnamed album for days as we typed, notably "The Rose" & "Sanctus" & "The Tundra." They all have these very emotionally evocative chords, that inspire the most sincere and important imaginative visions.

Oh yeah, and the wrapup had this little thing where they give a three-word "genre descriptor" of the types of tunes you listened to at morning/day/night? And it's HILARIOUS because it says "Your morning started wth Sad Boi Chill Relaxing" like WHAT IS THAT, I laughed out loud when I saw it. But we apparently "embraced the night with Moody Friendly Energy" which is quite fitting, seeing as that's when we end up here typing all together. Moody, absolutely, but always bound by sincere friendship. That's the energy that keeps me going.
My favorite, though, is that we "seized the day with Calm Relaxing Love."

Our wrapup BGM tunes:
1. Larnelle Harris, haha. "Gaither Medley!"
2. Ola Gjeilo, I think? Choir music. Really beautiful. I think "The Ground."
3. "This Side Of Eternity" by Sam Ock. This is one of those songs that comes out of left field and just hits me in the ribs. ...Honestly I'm glad this song ended up here. I remember looping it one night when my heart was particularly aching, because the lyrics just... express that far too well. And oh geez, NOW I know why this is on here-- there was ONE DAY when I looped this in the car and just kind of sang through sobs to it, over and over. "I want to be all that You want me to be, but everything's broken in me... what is wrong with me? Maybe I'm deranged..." you get the idea. And it starts slow and fragile, like holding back tears even as you stop hiding the fact that they're there, and it gradually but ardently moves to heartache at 4:00 and it hurts. I honestly tear up every single time I hear it. 
4. "Messe da pacem, Op. 38: No. 5, Agnus Dei" by Pierre Villette! Gosh I remember finding this one; the whole album is such a uniquely composed mass setting. It has this unusual "mindspace" when I listen to it; it's ethereal but it's dark? The dissonances and unresolved chords elicit some of that "numinous dread" around the edges and it's very cool.
5. SUPER SONIC RACIIIIIING gosh I LOVE THAT SONG THOUGH
6. "I Still Have That Other Girl," notably the leadup to the chorus, but it stops before the kick so it's this awful cathartic whiplash, haha. At least it makes me want to listen to it all the more-- it builds that emotion up then says, "ball's in your court, kiddo" so now I HAVE to sing it myself, haha. I'M NOT COMPLAINING
7. Some funky EDM beat? Honestly I don't know offhand, which is shocking as it must have been one we listened to a decent amount? Actually, looking through our playlist, I think it's "Dagdraumur - Janus Rasmussen Remix" by Eydis Evensen? And this IS cool. Adding it to our likes!
8.  "Wandering II," and the part that sounds like the blue guy so my heart gets instant shockwaves
9. "Hawking" by Todd Rundgren! Not surprised; I was infatuated with this song for weeks. Still am; it hits a spot of my heart that few songs do.
10. Papik & Alan Scaffardi!! "For So Long." Chaos 0 loves to sing Alan's music; his voice is a close match, and the lyrics... mean a lot to me, when he sings them.
11. "Missa Festiva for Mixed Choir and Organ, Op. 62: Gloria" by Flor Peeters. It has some really cool chords.

Lastly, our "listening personality" is "The Specialist." = "You're selective with the music and artists you listen to, but you've got lots of love to go around. Once you decide you like an artist, you're all in." That is SO ACCURATE, and it's actually really touching, worded that way.

Remind me to come back to this topic later, with some of the songs in our top 100 for 2022-- there's a lot of love and memories in here, and I want to write about them.



(...)

GROUNDING TECHNIQUES

+ The "five senses" grounding exercise, bizarrely, dissociates me EVEN MORE because I mentally detach/ distance IN ORDER TO properly GET/ PROCESS sensory input!!!
It's EXHAUSTING to feel ALL that at once. Like I WITHDRAW INTO MY HEAD TO GRASP THAT DATA IN THE FIRST PLACE.
+ NUMBERS, COUNTING, & MATH ARE SO MUCH SAFER & MORE HELPFUL!!!
+ Maybe USE THIS 5-sense thing to our advantage as a way of REDIRECTING internal focus???

+ VISUALIZING A "SAFE PLACE" & ENTERING THAT MINDSCAPE IS SO HELPFUL.
But beware! It is SUPER IMMERSIVE and VERY hard to "come back into physicality" even after a MINUTE so immersed!!
+ ALSO BEWARE, because mindscapes are mutable, and we can't always control what happens in there...

+ Slow breathing/ holding breath is JARRINGLY TRAUMA-TRIGGERING. Maybe talk to Kyanos about managing this? Is that still his job?

PERSONAL TECHNIQUES THAT SHOULD WORK FOR US:

LIST OFF...
+ ALL the characters in ONE Leagueworld
+ ALL the OCs of ONE COLOR you can think of
+ ALL the OCs whose name starts with a certain letter
+ ALL the Moralimon of a certain species-archetype
+ ALL the Moralimon of a certain Typecore
+ ALL the songs of one artist/ group you can recall: FROST*, ELO, Todd Rundgren...
+ ALL the Pokemon species/moves of ONE type?

DESCRIBE...
+ the basic plot of a Leagueworld
+ a League scene like a SCREENPLAY
+ the "bio" of an OC; INCLUDING "little" details & idiosyncrasies
+ the appearance of an OC, being VERY thorough (AND voice!!)
+ the "VIBE" of an OC, IN REALTIME??
+ a League LOCATION, in sensory detail
+ a Moralimon, Enchiridion-style
+ a Moralimon "technique" or "combat skill"
+ a Moralimon Virtue, being VERY specific
+ a Nousfoni function/ VIBE?

post-breakfast//

BONUS OMELET! ♥ They're slowly losing the misapplied anxiety, thank God, but they NEED a solid positive reassociation, which they currently lack. Still, we DID do that for two OTHER foods this morning, using yesterday's powerful League-imagining technique:
+ KAETO loves strawberry PopTarts. They're fast, bright, warm, sweet, uncomplicated, fun, & a little childish-- just like she likes to be. Even their colors (Red & SPRINKLES) are 100% her vibe. With all her running about & impatient streak, they're typically the only breakfast she'll get!
+ NIKEISHA enjoys green tea. In contrast to Kaeto's fire, she-- like a plant-- savors it slowly, mindfully, with its slightly bitter-earth undertone and green glow. I think she sips it as she studies, and/or tends to the greenery I always see filling her living space/ environment?
★ The taste data for BOTH DIDN'T EVEN REGISTER at first-- I personally had NO positive associations known for either, ONLY negative ones, PLUS the "personal dissonance" ACTUALLY HINDERED INPUT, like two "out of sync" soundwaves cancelling each other out!! BUT!! Once we "intuitively found/ tapped into" LEAGUE resonance, the data LOCKED IN, finally being ABLE to VIA the new, powerfully resonant & SOLID foundations-- which were BOTH POSITIVE AND PERSONALLY UNINVASIVE??? THAT is a FASCINATING & KEY aspect to the League resonance ties: even though they are VASTLY different than my own, they STILL have anchors in MY heart & mind, WITHOUT impinging on the integrity of MY personal/ historical identity-- something Nousfoni often CAN DO, because we SHARE a body/ psyche, therefore making confusion/ overlap tragically inevitable (AND potentially traumatic, as the TBAS days proved). It's such an intriguing distinction-- the League & Spectrum BOTH emanate from MY soul, BUT I don't identify with the League, whereas I DO with the Spectrum. Again, it feels like that distinction is born FROM the "self" association (FROM vs OF??), AND explains WHY INSPACERS ALWAYS SEEM TO CORRUPT!! THAT'S what happened with Justice!!! So yeah this is ANOTHER game-changer; thank You God for guiding us, and revealing this!!
+ Back to breakfast-- we don't "like" sugar, BUT do seem to like the molasses still, despite trauma?? It's still unclear, but we KNOW that personally I don't "like" white sugar. See, THAT'S where the League/ Spectrum differentiation becomes most clear: if an "opinion" or "aspect" contrary to MY OWN is encountered BUT NOT ANCHORED INTO THE LEAGUE, it roots into the SYSTEM AS A POTENTIAL SOCIAL, further "denaturing" our core identity BY "PREVENTING" INDIVIDUALITY IN THE BODY-- "switching" TO "MATCH" EXTERNAL VARIATIONS then becomes the instinctive "norm," a form of "toxic coping" that sees LOSS OF "SELF" as the ONLY way to SURVIVE CONFLICT with the outside world??? BECAUSE WE CANNOT HONESTLY ACCEPT OR EVEN PROPERLY UNDERSTAND "DISLIKE," WITHOUT IMPOSING A MORAL "JUDGMENT" ON INHERENTLY "NEUTRAL" THINGS LIKE FOOD!!! To our psyche, "dislike" should & DOES ONLY APPLY TO SIN. To "dislike" something GOD CREATED based on our own stupid "unique vibe" IS A SIN, as it's a form of SELF-IDOLATRY & REJECTION OF "WHAT IS" ACCORDING TO GOD'S PLAN & WILL!!! So, in our mind, we CANNOT dislike ANYTHING... unless it's a sin. We can dislike a violent movie, but NOT the color yellow, OR the taste of chocolate, WITHOUT "LABELING" THEM AS "BAD" in order to "resolve" the debilitating moral confusion & guilt & panic we get FROM that dislike. Which becomes UNBEARABLE & TRAUMATIC when we THEN STILL HAVE TO EAT THEM-- triggering our "CONTAMINATION PANIC" at the perceived horror of therefore LITERALLY "SWALLOWING SIN" and thus BECOMING SIN-- AND expressing implicit APPROVAL of it THROUGH that ingestion-- that demonic mockery of true communion. THAT'S why we are SO DESPERATE to "LIKE" ALL FOODS, NO EXCEPTIONS, because that is the ONLY way to prevent this moral collapse of a process, one that we are doomed to endure EVERY time we eat, until that ultimate goal is achieved. ONLY THROUGH GRACE, KIDDO, so MAKE SURE YOU PRAY and TRUST GOD instead of vainly relying on your own data/ logic/ efforts/ etc. I'm just human. Without God's grace working in & FOR me, I AM DOOMED TO FAIL, simply because I'M NOT GOD and GOD IS LIFE/ LOVE and I can ONLY have those BY HAVING GOD!! That's actually a JUBILANT HOPE, so hold to it & work ACCORDING to it!! God WANTS to help you, so LET HIM IN TO DO SO. ♥
+ Oatmeal, oddly, for the record, IS out vibe?? Well, MY vibe, which I NEED to distinguish. Yes, we're a System, but the Nousfoni that DO eat (ONLY SOCIALS!!) have DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT & DISTINCT VIBES IN ORDER TO FUNCTION/ SURVIVE, so saying "OUR" is actually invalidating & damaging & rejecting the ACTUAL resonances of BOTH them & myself!!! BUT a fascinating note-- they ALL can "sympathize" WITH the CORE'S "vibe" as like-able, NOT passing the moral judgment? Just like I can with THEIR likes. STILL, their EXCLUSIVE INTEGRITY MUST BE MAINTAINED, because ANY & ALL VIBE DISSONANCE TRIGGERS THE MORAL PANIC by forcing a "paradox" in which two "clashing" resonances are futilely being forced into an impossible attempt at harmony? But honestly it hurts my head to even think about. IT'S A BROKEN SYSTEM. There IS no "moral" nature to foods!!! THAT'S why ALL OF THIS NEEDS TO BE REASSIGNED TO THE LEAGUE, NOT THE SPECTRUM!!!! Otherwise I'll NEVER heal from this disordered mindset & thus I'll KEEP "splitting" into hyperspecialized Socials that not only perpetuate that distorted "either/ or" thinking but BY that, also PREVENT ME FROM EVER REALISTICALLY RE-UNIFYING & RESTORING MY TRUE, HISTORICAL, WHOLE SELF!!! The moral panic might still occur, BUT by utilizing the LEAGUE to ELIMINATE CONDEMNATION, then by God's grace I CAN HEAL. That will never happen via dissociation. Shattering my psyche to "BE OTHER PEOPLE" in order to "survive" the "inescapable" moral panic IS ACTUALLY PERPETUAGINT TRAUMA BEHAVIOR, AND DISRESPECTING/ DENYING GOD'S PLAN & INTENTION FOR ME AS A UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL, WHO WAS MADE TO LIVE FOR GOD, NOT IN IMITATING OTHER PEOPLE!!! And for the record, GOD DOESN'T FRACTURE PSYCHES. Ultimately, to be BRUTALLY honest, the ONLY way the SPECTRUM/ SYSTEM ITSELF CAN SURVIVE is if it JOINS THE LEAGUE and DETACHES ENTIRELY FROM MY SENSE OF SELF. Otherwise, I'll forever be pulled in a million different directions, and I'll NEVER be able to LIVE in EITHER the present moment OR in this body-- MY body, GOD'S GIFT TO ME!!!

Let's talk about daemons.

 

Daemons, in the 2013-2018 Spectrum timespace, were "incarnated vices" meant to force their heart-host into admitting and facing that vicious reality as being THEIRS, instead of denying and running from it; after all, we cannot repent if we don't know what we're repenting from, let alone if we're denying the fact that we have sinned in the first place. Daemons bring all that front and center. Most importantly, though, is the fact that they are madly in love with their hosts. They adore the souls they are enslaved to, that they exist for and from forever. A daemon is your deepest fears and biggest faults given bones and breath and beating heart, and they love you, but they will devour you if you are not careful. They are inherently dangerous, and they are absolutely indispensable. A daemon can teach you the most radical forgiveness, but they can also falter and fall into a sort of punchdrunk moral relativism, so unable to hate that they forget that their very core is hateful. Their guts are painted black. No matter how soft a wound is, it's still a wound; it's still blood and it's still damage.

 

Rio's Daemon is Lethe Styx. He personifies fear of nothingness/ the unknowable, and the vice of sloth as a result? He is named after two rivers, both of oblivion-- one of thought, one of body.

Rio is prone to intense self-distraction, for the sole purpose of not having to face the silence, trying to block out the river-rush of blood in one's ears.

…
 

Markus's Daemon is Medallion Guillotine. She personifies fear of weakness, and the vice of avarice, arguably. She is named after two symbols of power-- the first to hoard, the second to behead, and both with the ability to destroy life outright.

…

 

Chaos's Daemon is Perfect Chaos. He mentally detached himself from that potential in his soul for so long, and with such disturbed fervor, that Perfect was almost forced to "daemonize."

He personifies unending agony. At heart, it is the fear of (loss? despair?) and the vice of wrath. When grief bores too deeply into your soul, it hits the fires of hell and burns everything to death.

Perfect Chaos himself is an ironic "just deserts" to those who sought "perfection" in worldly ways-- through control, power, and pride. To such people, "perfection" meant becoming like a god, but not like God.

…

 

Jewel Lightraye's Daemon is Dendrite Aorta… or so we've been told. Jewel herself, being the heart of an entire identity bloodline, is paradoxically as unstable as she is invincible.

She is the fear of forgetting oneself??? and the vice of pride.

Jewel's mind and heart are both deemed intrinsic to the very existence of the Spectrum, as is the integrous preservation of both, and as such she has a fatal proclivity to consider herself perpetually innocent. Dendrite exists to tell her, awfully but honestly, that she's not. And that is terrifying.

…

 

Jay Iridos's Daemon is Infinitii Eternos. Ze personifies fear of intimacy and the vice of lust, shockingly so. Ze is named after both heaven and hell themselves, in a sense; the "infinite" potential of "I and I," of two become one, and the "eternity" of "nos," of "us." But whether that unity is of ardor or abuse, remains to be seen, and that is the terror.

 

 

 

What about me, then? Who am I, now, really?

I'm not Mr. Iridos or Ms. Lightraye, even though their hearts are still so close to mine I can feel them in my very ribs. They switch out and front on their own now, separate from the Core function, having held that hierarchal honor in the past and now relinquishing it to… who? Who am I?

I am of their bloodline, inevitably. But what "surname" is mine? Do I carry something new?

The Lightraye purpose of birthing the League, the Iridos purpose of sustaining the Spectrum… I must admit, although those functions still exist and are executed, they are not in the first place mine. When Leaguework is done, I am almost a ghostwriter; I know Jewel moves these hands in her own way. When Spectrum work is resumed-- literally as of Thursday night-- Jay is still front and center, the core that carried what time we forgot, and must integrate to continue onwards.

 

We've moved into an apartment. We've entered an entirely new reality-space. Body care and life awareness are suddenly prioritized. Religion is more fervent and beloved than ever before. Existence has changed on the outside, but what is it inside, now?

The Spectrum has been dormant for years. Now that it is awakening, who am I, within it?

 

I still love Chaos Zero, with my entire heart, God knows I love him enough to die. That is proof that I am a Core, that I am a genuine coeur and love is my absolute foundation.

 

But what is my name? Am I red, or white, or cerise, or even brown? And do I have a Daemon?

I can feel Infinitii is not mine; since Jay woke up, all the hidden love for hir has bloomed again in him. But he isn't tied to Chaos anymore. I am. And… that cannot be ignored. I'm the Prism, now; I'm the heart of glass through which the Light breaks into colors. But it all feels like echoes. There have been so many cores, and they were and are so alive, so real… I feel so empty, and hollow, and wrecked on some level compared to them. Maybe it's bleedover; I am sure there is still so much healing to do, on levels we haven't looked at, solely because innerspace has been closed off while it rebooted.

 

We'll work on it. I promise. As of right now it is 12:30 AM, I need to be awake at 7, and grandma is still in the hospital, God be with her still.

I must sleep, and pull myself together, however feebly, until morning. Pray that God reveals to me who He wants me to be, in truth, in respect to the entire life He has given me. Pray that He shows me soon, and that I can see it clearly when He does.
 

Since my earliest days, I have been blessed with a vivid and thriving imagination. Before even starting school I began to write stories, creating entire worlds to play with, even composing little songs to accompany the characters and concepts I loved to watch playing out in my mind. As the years went on, these stories became more complex, maturing from simple child's tales into the heart-deep thoughts of a teenager, and later into rich and brilliant gems polished by adult experience and lit by undying youthful wonder. The League continues to grow, forever blooming anew, and I firmly believe God put me on this earth to share these bouquets of creative beauty for His sake. Developing a League website will be my first formal effort towards that end. It is my sincere hope that the many LeagueWorlds debuting there will touch the hearts of every visitor with the same genuine joy that has illuminated mine in building them, and the sincere gratitude and loving wonder for the Creator of All Who made every heart that ever was.

​

Soli Deo gloria!

THE LEAGUE'S SECRET HEART

THE SONG OF THE SUFFERING SAVIOR

 

Before we expound the literal history of the League, we must first reveal and recognize its inmost soul. Yes, its infancy had a body built of colors and songs and imaginary critters, but deep in its heart, springing from my own heart, was a Source and Summit that invariably soaked into every aspect of each World I dreamed up, however small, however seemingly insignificant.

​

I was a very premature child, and even in my youth, I took pride in the fact that I had been baptized in the incubator, for fear that I would not survive the three months needed to stabilize, let alone the next three days. With that, I was a Roman Catholic from the first few hours of my fragile life, and that was something I later lived by to the best of my nascent ability. My grandmother is also deserving of the greatest thanks towards this end; she gave me a Bible which I read ravenously, taught me all my prayers, said a Rosary with me every night, and made sure I went to Mass every week with as much reverence as I could muster at that age. She also gave me my first prayer cards, my absolute favorite of which depicted Christ covered in deep raw wounds, a figure so shockingly deformed yet humble that I would easily lose track of time just staring at it. Something in that image spoke loudly to my own heart, and that stuck with me in an unexpected way, imprinting indelibly on my imagination. It made me a morbid child, and perhaps worried my teachers, that a kindergartener was drawing unicorns and dragons and bats with wounds over their own bleeding hearts, but that was already something I loved too strangely and strongly for it to not express itself in my ideas and art.

​

My Catholic faith thus continued to exercise a massive impact on the aesthetics and vibes of the budding League, in terms of it ultimately reflecting the same aspects I loved most in my religion. I had then, and still have, a powerful devotion to the Sacred & Immaculate Hearts, the Shoulder & Side Wounds of Christ, His Most Precious Blood, The Scourging, and the Crown of Thorns. I thought about Purgatory a lot, about angels, about Our Sorrowful Mother, and about saints with stigmata. In essence, the inherently Catholic concepts of sacred woundedness, love through suffering, life through death, and strength through vulnerability, became the fundamental cornerstone of the League at its very core. To this day, any Leagueworld lacking these qualities will quickly corrode and die. The reflection of and glory of God, especially in the very touchingly human life of Jesus Christ-- God with a body that breathed and bled like ours-- is the first and final goal of the League, both in its creation and in its communication, however uniquely that honor may be achieved in each.

​

 

 

THE LEAGUE BEGINS

THE SEEDS BEGIN TO BLOOM

 

My great-aunt, a Franciscan nun, gave me a gift at age three that I adored and still do: a giant plush unicorn with golden eyes and a backwards horn. I named her Unisalia, proclaimed her a queen, and went everywhere with her. She became my first imaginary friend, and many years later, would hold a position of utmost honor within the League... but I digress. In her sudden blessed bestowal, I can now see that already, before I even began dreaming up worlds of any solid sort, the Hand of God was planting the seeds.

​

My second imaginary friend appeared around 1996, and she was, quite frankly, utterly bizarre, but I loved her. She was the result of my obsession with a shoot-em-up game at the local truckstop that my dad introduced me to: one in which you had to kill invading aliens in order to secure a spaceship. Of course, my interest was not in the killing, but in the presence of death in its rawest, most blatant state-- wounds and blood and terrible openness. After some time I became unable to play the game because I kept daydreaming about aliens with softer hearts who weren't coldly spattered on impact, but who instead survived in a wounded vulnerable state and forced the offending soldiers to rethink their actions and open their own hearts to compassion as well. So with this dreaming, something common to my young mind, I ended up with an invisible friend who was a rainbow-skinned Xenomorph princess. She shone like glitter on glass and her name was Jewel and her mission was to evangelize everyone who dared to assume that an alien couldn't be Catholic. In my daydreams, she and her ever-growing gang of technicolor pals-- all named after gemstones-- would endure countless conflicts with humans who adamantly saw aliens as evil and deserving of death, whereas these were seeking only peace and compassion, repentance and forgiveness, determined to help humanity soften its global heart to not only extraterrestrials like them but also to its own people, who were treated as aliens by their fellow man. Oh, and every Xenomorph in my head carried a matching color rosary. It was pretty awesome.

​

My great-aunt passed away when I was six. It was a few days after my birthday. I remember standing in front of the washing machine in the middle of the night, my mom and dad obviously upset but trying to break it to me gently. She had been sick for a while, and being the religious child I was, I already knew she was approaching death, and I dreaded it. So judging by their behavior, I knew. I burst into tears and shouted at them both-- "you don't have to tell me, I already know she died!"-- and ran into my room to dissolve into wracking sobs. I knew what death was. I knew what the afterlife was. It didn't make the loss hurt any less. It didn't make me miss her any less.

I can still remember her funeral, the feeling of her cold cheek as I kissed it in the coffin, the smell of her habit, of her powdered skin, of the flowers. I hugged Unisalia tight when I got home, dizzy from my first funeral, and that dear unicorn became secretly associated now with not only the nun who brought her to me, but also with her death-- with that very mantra of memento mori. Remember that you will die too, but remember also, that it is not the end. Remember that, while you live this life, gifted to you from God, you have a responsibility to that Giver. And that responsibility is to prepare for this life's ever-nearing death, for that final door out of this world, for what-- and Who-- lies beyond. So live your life with your heart set on higher things... because those are the only things that last... the only things that are truly real.

One day, both Unisalia and I would also face death. But until then, we had a mission...

 

 

THE EARLY DAYS

THE BIRTH OF A UNIVERSE

 

In its earliest days, the League began just like any other world-- a vast and shifting sphere of pure potential, wonderful yet unstable. I wrote a great deal of short stories and imagined a great many creatures, but none of these projects belonged to anything greater and grander than themselves.

The first hint of a deeper thread was glimpsed around 1995 with one of my first "imaginary friends," a singing king cobra that I simply called "My Cobra." As this was the 1990s, he was the frontman in a 5-man band, the other members being a frilled lizard, a bat, a unicorn, and a dolphin... my favorite animals at the time. A childish concept, perhaps, but they were the first individuals to carry their own faces and names across many mindscapes, creating a history and reputation for themselves, and building their own unique personalities. Furthermore, this basic idea of a character group with a musical heart became a sort of greater heart to the nascent League, as my personal gift of musical composition invariably went hand-in-hand with my other creative pursuits. 

In 1996, the first hint of a solid "world" coalesced with a new character: Zimbo the Alien. He was an amusing fellow, described as popular and intelligent yet still proving to be hopelessly baffled by earth culture and technology. I spent many hours drawing him and his four color-coded friends flying about in saucer-bubble ships, protecting the earth from hostile invaders, and searching for new planets to explore. These two new concepts-- a character color spectrum and the notion of good versus evil-- were truly the two deepest seeds of the League to come, as they would blossom again and again over the years in its Worlds. 

(...)

Oil tank replacement part one.
Oven melted out!!
God STRIPPING us of all reliance on the assumed "dependability" of EVERYTHING but Him. Machines break. Realizing ANYTHING can break at any time now-- the water, the phone, the body.
Memento mori BIG TIME. Hidden blessing.
"THANK YOU GOD for all of this. I don't understand, but I TRUST YOU, for i know that Your Will IS ALWAYS GOOD, and You both know and see far more than we do. Thank You for doing Thy Will in my life. Give me the grace to always cooperate with it."

AWFUL VERTIGO. Hunger probably. I'm back down to 89.

Hosea work! Figuring out names of the robot cast.
Researching free will, nature of soul, etc.
GUESS WHAT LITERALLY ALL THE ANSWERS ARE IN THE CATECHISM. So much joy about this!!

Annunciation + Incarnation = LOVE.
WE, TOO, CAN ONLY "CONCEIVE" CHRIST THROUGH SUCH A TOTAL SELF-GIVING LOVE OF GOD!!

SIN = CREATION AS AN END IN ITSELF, INSTEAD OF LEADING TO GOD!!

Jesus's rules strike at the ROOT, the depth. This is why He isn't hyperspecific, like many modern folks want Him to be. Jesus focuses on our INTERIOR, where evil STARTS in seemingly harmless ways, then turns into BEASTS. Sin is the SLIPPERIEST SLOPE. If you give sin a millimeter, it will EAT YOU ALIVE.

We live in a culture that excuses and celebrates vice!!! We must be aware of this as we live in it, as it is insidious and is ACTIVELY TRYING TO MAKE US THINK WHITE IS BLACK.

George C Scott: Christmas Carol?