030125

BRO TYPE ABOUT THIS!!!!
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/maclaren/2_thessalonians/1.htm

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030925

Transgender "gender feeling" fallacy =
MY "DEFINITION" OF "FEMALE" IS BROKEN!!!!
I ONLY EVER "FEEL FEMALE/ LIKE A GIRL" WHEN I'M SINNING!!!
Similarly, the term "woman" is SO UGLY/ POISONOUS to me; calling myself a "woman" IS EQUAL TO SAYING "I AM A RAPIST/ ABUSER"

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031425

 TRAUMA NIGHTMARES =
ANGEL DUST AS A "PLACEHOLDER" FOR INFINITII!!!


ALL physical realities reflect deeper SPIRITUAL realities
"I don't need food" = rejecting SPIRITUAL food = GOD!!
REMEMBER THE EUCHARIST. BE CAREFUL!!
This is WHY God WON'T "erase" your hunger!! It reflects a TRUTH!

(Also BTW remember the dream around 0317(?) With Xander REDEEMED (angelic) helping me & grandpa??

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032025

Rosary visualization, unplanned =
My TRUEST INNER SELF is a HOLY CHILD about 7 YEARS OLD
And FEMALE

Jesus CAN GET ME OUT OF STAIRWELLS AND WALK THROUGH DOORS!!!

My "adult self image" CHANGES DRAMATICALLY BASED ON COLOR!!!
BROWN is TRAUMATIZED FEMALE SINNER GLUTTON.
RED is CANNON??
REDVIOLET?? is JEWEL LIGHTRAYE??
WHITE is "PRISM"?? ALSO "JAY"

CAN the Core hold OTHER colors???
Also DUOTONE!!!

BTW TILLY ACTUALLY HAS BLACK HAIR!!! SHE JUST WEARS A WHITE VEIL!!!


Today's devotional heavy hitters =
"When we love others, we are reflecting the love that God has for them. That is why it matters how we treat people. Our actions are a reflection of how God has loved us."
SO IF YOU DON'T LOVE OTHERS, YOU'RE DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU DON'T FEEL/ BELIEVE/ TRUST THAT GOD LOVES YOU.
It shows that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.

"We love God by worshiping Him and praising Him. We love others by doing good to them and sharing with them.
How are you doing at loving God and loving others? Do you spend time each day in Scripture and prayer, praising God for who He is? If we don't love God first and foremost, we won't be able to truly love other people in our lives."

God has taken away all my "opportunities for service" because I AM UNFIT. I am too vicious & scandalous yet. I need to be HEALED first. (So God PLEASE HEAL ME)

For YEARS-- literally TWO DECADES-- I've been at war with my body, with sex, and with food. The three are synonymous, effectively. It's a hell I can't seem to escape from. And yet... looking back on both the Archives and what little "blind" trauma sensory memory i have access to, I am actually currently doing BETTER than I EVER have before. That seems bizarre, as it's still a living nightmare, but it's true. I thank the Lord God Almighty on my increasingly bony knees for that. I credit His Grace entirely, and therefore for getting me into daily Bible Study and Prayer, with Mass and Adoration whenever possible. The channels are open where they weren't in the past, not even for Tilly. That has made a world of difference.

...and yet I can't seem to stop, yet. Jesus keeps saying "it's your hunger" but He won't take it away because "I need it" for higher purposes too. "Same with desire" apparently, which i hate so keenly I'd murder it in sight but I guess it's hiding in this cursed ravenous destructive impulse that hits whenever I eat more than 500 calories a day.
It's not eating so much as it's annihilation, by the way. The main point of EVERY "binge" is to DESTROY the food. "Get rid of the threat/ danger/ enemy/ evil." The ONLY reason I even binged today is because we had carrots in the house, "bravely" tried one slice, then another, and then "poison panic" hit so "now we have to eat them all and throw them up" because apparently that's how you detox so you won't die from carrot infection. It's insane.

I hope to God we can get through the next three days "green." We mark the calendar now. This month has too many red "X-es". It's disturbing & depressing.
The rule is, I'm not allowed to sleep in bed until we get three clean days in a row. I had ONE bed day last month I think. Besides that, I literally haven't slept in my own bed since like... July.
That's really sad.

Does this count as a "cross" if it's literally a vice? Aren't crosses supposed to be "for good people"? How ironic. "Grandma was a wonderful, pure woman, with a clear conscience and a solid reputation for charity and good works. THEREFORE, she was given the heavy cross of lung cancer and severe neuropathy SO THAT her suffering would UNITE HER TO CHRIST and therefore GET HER TO HEAVEN." That's how I've always understood it.
On the contrary, "Jessica is a rebellious, self-willed, bratty, brazen girl who is cruel to her brothers and disobedient to her parents. She is a master manipulator, a spiteful bully, a petty thief, and a budding sadist. She will grow up into a violent, angry, useless waste of flesh, a dishonor and disgrace to her family. She will be a perverted whore, a robber of widows, a conpulsive liar, a heartless backstabber, a lazy dirty slob, and-- most of all-- a selfish, wasteful, destructive glutton. Her daily life is defined by sin. THEREFORE, Jessica DOESN'T GET A CROSS, because she doesn't deserve to suffer for Christ. Devils like her go straight to hell. She is rejected and isolated from the Church both on earth and in heaven. She gets no part of it. Nobody wants her. Only Satan wants her, to murder her for all eternity. THEN she will suffer."
...Why is THAT how it works for me??
This daily life, this horrible eating disorder, IS ALREADY HELL AND I HATE IT. the problem? This body LIKES to have food. This body WANTS to keep eating once I start. It feels like I'm DOOMED to fail, like I'm "locked in" to this warzone. I don't want to eat. I hate it. And whenever I try, this happens. And its torture. But that's my point-- I'm already in hell, but I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. I just apparently CANNOT, and that is terrifying.
Only God can get me out of here. Why hasn't He done so yet? This is a SIN!! He cannot "want" me to stay here! So what's going on? Is it just my weakness? Is it just the fact that i "could have" been free & safe today IF I had resisted the carrot terror? Or yesterday, if "feeling safe" wasn't scarier than forcing fear & anxiety? Or the weekend, if I didn't "give in to healthy compulsions" that I was too afraid to actually eat and so ended up destroying "to be safe"? Or never saying "no" to mom forcing unhealthy and/or triggering foods on me, out of fear that in response she'll reject me at last? Or what about the countless times I buy and eat and purge in tears the foods that remind me of grandma? They won't bring me back to her. But they do give me memories I can't reach otherwise, immersive memories of being a small child, standing in her kitchen at night, with nothing else existing but home and her. I can't even FIND those memories apart from the foods they're ATTACHED to. It makes me want to weep. Those memories "aren't even mine" and yet I NEED them now more than the air I breathe, many nights.
And remember I used to do the same thing with TBAS.
I'm telling you, this grief will be the death of me.
But I don't want to die in sin, oh please God.

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032125
 
Atonement + death + resurrection + forgiveness etc. ALL CONNECTED in Christ's Passion =

"God renders them as right as Himself the moment they place trust in Christ’s death as payment for their sin. God henceforth treats them as judicially right in His eyes. They are right because God resolved His justice at the cross." & "Christians stand in Christ’s perfect righteousness before God eternally because they trust the blood of Christ to forgive them."

DO WE TRUST THIS???
IS THIS TIED TO INFI'S DEATH TOO??? IS THAT WHAT GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH US???
CAN INFI NOT RESURRECT/ CAN WE NOT BE HEALED OF TRAUMA + E.D. UNTIL WE TRUST THIS PRICE HAD BEEN PAID IN LOVE???

ALSO "“Believed” means to be persuaded of, and hence, to place confidence in. When we believe in Christ, we place confidence in or credit Jesus as the only One who can save us from our sins. We entrust our entire eternal future to Christ Jesus. He is worthy of our trust."
IS ALL MY "TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW ATONEMENT WORKS / HOW I AM FORGIVEN / THE MECHANISM OF SALVATION" ETC. ACTUALLY PREVENTING ME FROM FAITH????

Also THIS HITS SO HARD =
"Justification is different. It doesn’t say, you have done wrong, but I will try to forget it. It focuses on the wrong done, and says squarely, this was wrong. This was very wrong. It was unjust. Since justice is God’s love spread around to lots of sinners, our sin violated love. It needs to be publicly declared wrong, publicly punished, so that all will know that justice must be served for such a wrong done. Justification says, your sin was displayed publicly as worthy of condemnation and terrible punishment in Christ. When we say that we believe Christ died for our sins, we are not just forgiven, we are justified. In our conscience, as believers, we feel that we MUST say that justice has been served for our sins, because otherwise we make His terrible death on our behalf of no account.
This is the big difference between forgiveness and justification. Forgiveness leaves justice on the table, it leaves sin unpunished but unjustified. Among the brethren, we have something greater than forgiveness with one another. We have the understanding that their sin against us has been declared unjust and wrong with vengeance and violence. It has been abundantly addressed. I don’t have to think that I am just trying to forget what they have done to me or that they are trying to forget what I have done to them. Forgetting is not the issue or the power of attorney here. The blood of Jesus Christ is the power, and it is most certainly sufficient... True forgiveness on our part acknowledges that [our] justification in Christ is sufficient, and I refuse to say otherwise. Forgiveness under Christ is stronger than mere forgetfulness, it is constantly putting the sins of [both ourselves and all others] under the terrible wrath displayed publicly on the cross... it accounts for the vengeance that our soul knows must be visited upon our various sins."


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032325

Double Mass morning like we used to! We MISS THIS SO MUCH.

"Lectio Divina" chastened; we're not LISTENING enough, we're STUDYING.
Took time to just let the Word (true Bread) "digest" for once (!!!) and finally got TITUS 1:15 INSIGHT = "pure" meaning "unmixed"; "single hearted" = GOD ALONE; as opposed to WORLDLY concerns = pride / ego = IDOLATRY OF SELF = "impure heart" of Matthew 15

"YOU CAN'T 'FEEL' GRACE; THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT THERE"
REMEMBER PROGINOSKES!!!

⭐HARROWING OF HELL = NEW ADAM REDEEMS OLD ADAM = CHANGES ALL HUMANKIND BY NATURE POTENTIAL IN THIS??

⭐HOLY FRUIT = SYSTEM + SPHERES NEED IT


In temptation, "GOD'S PRESENCE IS THE ESCAPE PLAN"


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032425

Slept in SO WEAK + DIZZY

Dreams good-- me, chaos 0, knux & rouge

Went to Adoration

⭐THE ED IS ABOUT BOUNDARIES?? "PURITY"!!!
CONTAMINATION, INVASION, POISON, ETC.
"ALL OR NOTHING" = EITHER A FIELD OR A FORTRESS
⭐TIED TO RELATIONSHIPS, ESP. SEXUAL TRAUMA!! BULIMIA IS COPING WITH THIS = "CAN'T SAY NO" SO WE "REJECT IT IN PRIVATE"
⭐THIS IS AFFECTING LAURIE. "WHAT AFFECTS THE CORE AFFECTS HER" SPECIALLY DIRECTLY


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032525

Terrifying night. Twitchy, weak, couldn't breathe. Chest pain & tingly numbness in extremities. Legit had 911 on speed dial

Woke up 5am, just in time to watch the overseas Mass online ❤

https://www.youtube.com/live/m9WLJfqV0Xw?si=U8g4bBkpOZxQHm0k
"Holiness is allowing God to fulfill His dream of Love, which is you. Don't fake it. Don't be afraid."

"Your life has infinite value" = it is a GIFT from God, Who created you ON PURPOSE for a SPECIFIC PURPOSE. You exist for a REASON and you are MEANT to be here

Got bits of sleep from 8am to 2pm
In the meantime doing ED & vocation research

My body legit hungers to EXERCISE.

Youversion devotional Deuteronomy 6:5 = COMMITMENT on our part BECAUSE GOD IS THAT COMMITTED TO US.
Heart = Jesus
Soul = Holy Spirit
Mind = Scripture
Strength = Second Coming!!


JORDAN PETERSON CLIP + COMMENTS JUST GAVE ME A CLARIFYING BREAKTHROUGH
https://youtube.com/shorts/voZN-qFXpQk?si=fXuUustM33LsTEKq

@benthornhill7903 + 25 min ago
Absolutely right. | had issues with substances until I found work that was more meaningful to me than the “fun" of getting drunk/ high.

@jimmcfarland9318 + 52 min ago
If you look at a running technique called Fartlek, which is also expressed in Galloway, you'll see that the afferent signal from the decreasing heart rate (one elevated) reaches the Nucleus accumbens. Basically, it's a reward for "killing the bear or escaping it." This happens via the vagus nerve, which is also triggered by eating and [sex]. Eating disorders and pornography addiction use the same vagus nerve, different stimuli.
The Kenyans have perfected vagus nerve racing, triggering the release of dopamine during a race. (I figured this out over 15 years ago.)

@draighodge6039 + 1h ago
This is why religious prohibitions fail: people need to do something (else). For example, "Don't steal”, is easier to obey when one has gainful employment.



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(uncensored. we're not sure who wrote it but we're leaving it unedited for their sake.)





I AM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER THE EATING DISORDER SOMAFONI
LISTEN WE LOST TEN FUCKING HOURS TODAY TO THEIR BULLSHIT

and you know what the scariest thing is?

NO ONE CAN ACCESS THE DATA.
IT'S SHEER TRAUMA DATA.
LITERALLY NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO EVEN LOOK AT IT THAT'S HOW HORRIFIC THIS REGISTERS.

Julie even said what they're doing is LITERAL, EXPLICIT ABUSE FORCING.
WHAT THE HELL
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE

we thought they were just... acting on starvation triggers. thanks to tbhu & upmc fallout, the force-feeding trauma there.
but NO
APPARENTLY IT'S WORSE,
THE MAIN DAMN REASON THIS EATING DISORDER KEEPS COMING BACK IS BECAUSE, AS TODAY PROVED QUITE HORRIFICALLY, IT IS A LITERAL TRAUMATIC EVENT.
AND OUR BRAIN KEEPS TRYING TO PERPETUATE TRAUMA.

WHY?????!?!??!?!

WHAT THE HELL GUYS
WHY DOES SOMEONE ALWAYS END UP FORCING US INTO SITUATIONS THAT MAKE THE TRAUMA WORSE
OR FORCE US TO EXPLICITLY RELIVE PAST TRAUMA
WHY CAN'T WE HEAL OR LET GO
WHY DO WE ALWAYS SEEM TO "NEED" MORE BLOOD AND SCREAMING AND PAIN AND NIGHTMARES AND EXISTENTIAL TERROR AND WANTING TO FUCKING DIE

SOMEONE LITERALLY CONSIDERED FORCING HACKS LAST WEEK.
I AM FUCKING SERIOUS
THAT IS INSANITY
and yet, there it was,
literally they were thinking "maybe THIS will stop the eating disorder relapses" but WHY WOULD IT??
BECAUSE IT'S TRAUMATIC. BECAUSE IT'S HORRIFYING AND IT MAKES US WANT TO DIE.
THE BULIMIC HELLS DO THE SAME DAMN THING.
except hacks don't drain our bank account.
BULL SHIT THAT'S NOT A VALID REASON TO SHIFT THE DAMN ABUSE METHOD
we're so damn tired though. it's literally not even about food. it's about abuse
IT'S ABOUT DESTRUCTION TOO. WE'VE NOTICED THIS. THE FOOD AND THE MONEY AND THE BODY. THE E.D. IS ALL ABOUT DESTROYING THINGS. IT'S SO FUCKING VIOLENT IT'S HONESTLY TERRIFYING
do you think it would stop if we.... you know, if we let the retributors or someone go back to just bloodying up the body
GOOD LUCK GETTING KNIFE TO PICK UP HIS NAMESAKE FOR THAT PURPOSE AGAIN. OR RAZOR. THEY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT TIME PERIOD. THEY HAVE TRAUMA TOO I BET.
yeah but there's gotta be someone who is still willing and able to slice us up, who's been doing the atonement lately?
I DON'T KNOW ACTUALLY. CANNON BLOODLINE CORE I THINK.
really? well there you go, give her a blade and let her go to work
YOU REALLY THINK THAT WILL STOP THE BULIMIC SOMAFONI.
esthiofoni
YEAH BUT I'M FOCUSED ON THE DESTRUCTIVE ASPECT ARE WE TAKING THAT INTO ACCOUNT?
you're right it's not even eating half the time. most of the time
ALL OF THE TIME. IT'S EITHER ANNIHILATION OR ABUSE
good point
SO ARE THEY STILL "ESTHIOS" OR DO WE NEED NEW JARGON.
we'll have to ask the kardis, only they can make that call
ANYWAY I'M JUST GONNA CALL THEM ABUSERS. BITCHES. DEVILS. THAT'S WHAT THEY REALLY ARE
are they? if they're foni then there's a real solid chance they might not actually be evil
...THAT'S TRUE.
like why are they forcing THEMSELVES to relive traumatic events via food.
IT'S POISON HALF THE TIME
all of the time. suicidal too
OH I KNOW IT'S TERRIFYING. LITERAL DEATH RISK FROM WHAT THEY'RE MAKING THE BODY EAT. FUCKING TERRIFYING.
that's the whole point. oh shit that's the point
WHAT?
suicide. do you think maybe they just want the body to die
WOULD THAT REQUIRE FORCING IT TO RELIVE RAPE EVENTS.
that would merit suicide, so maybe.
DEAR GOD IT'S ALL JUST TRAUMA PROCESSING AFTER ALL, CENTRAL WAS RIGHT
how the hell is forcing trauma going to help us process it.
ASK THAT QUESTION OF THE SAME DAMN PEOPLE WATCHING SHIT ONLINE LATELY
oh. good point.
FOR SOME REASON THERE IS A TREND OF "US" JUST... NOT BEING ABLE TO STOP EXPOSING OUR EXISTENCE TO HELLS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. MAKING THINGS WORSE. UNABLE TO LET GO AND BE HAPPY.
happiness is labeled as a crime i've heard
WHY
we're slipping
I CAN FEEL IT. I GUESS THIS ISN'T OUR TOPIC TO DISCUSS
note it for someone else

HOW DO WE STOP THIS.
can we? isn't that Central's job?
THAT CANNON-CORE HAS BEEN MAD AT GOD LATELY. BECAUSE OF THIS. WANTING HIM TO STOP IT AND HE WON'T.
apparently there's something we need to learn from it then
SARCASM.
no just bitter. i can empathize with the anger. it's fear and confusion i'm sure. that's the natural response to this.
THE HACKS WERE LIKE THAT TOO I'VE HEARD
oh i bet. "god please make it stop" and it takes what, ten fucking years?
I DON'T KNOW
but shit i guess things worked out somehow. i don't know.
JULIE'S ON OUR SIDE. SO THEY DID.
true
BUT I DON'T SEE ANYTHING REDEMPTIVE ABOUT LETTING THIS EATING DISORDER CONTINUE BECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY MURDERING US.
i know it's bullshit but if it really is tied into this trauma perpetuation thing maybe this is... i dunno maybe that's "why" God hasn't stopped it yet.
WHAT, LIKE IT HAD TO GET THIS BAD AGAIN BEFORE WE'D REALIZE WHAT'S BEHIND IT?
possibly. i mean tbhu apparently taught us a lot? i don't know but there's a whole tablet full of stuff they apparently learned.
LIKE WHAT
dude i have no clue i don't have that data, i don't know who does
THE TABLET DOES
well then once they upload it we all will. but that's off topic, the point is that apparently this STOPPED for eight solid weeks. somehow. and someone else was in charge. but it fell apart at the end.
THE FAMILY MADE IT RELAPSE IMMEDIATELY
shit i forgot about the family
AND THAT DAMNED HOUSE. THAT DAMNED TRAUMA SINKHOLE OF A HOUSE
do you think that's playing into this trauma forcing thing??
SHIT MAYBE. OH HELL THAT MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE
don't we fucking shift every time we're up there? like who the hell even fronts in that environment? with the mother?
I DON'T THINK WE EVEN KNOW
and they're abusive
THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY ABUSIVE, THEY'RE CUT OFF FROM THE REST OF US
but do they have trauma memories? no, obviously not, they're a social. so... are they just there as a buffer? or something?
ACTING ON THE TRAUMA WITHOUT FEELING IT THEMSELVES?
yeah. like... oh shit i just got data?
WHAT?
someone said it's "like a drug high." like the e.d. behavior with the mother is literally to numb the brain with panic? and terror?
THAT'S IRONIC. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT WORK.
because the trauma makes consciousness shut down
OH. SHIT.
like someone did at cnc. and slc. the only "drug" we had apparently. the only abuse method and suicide analogue we had as well.
NO I KNOW FOR A FACT THERE WERE REAL ATTEMPTS IN BOTH THOSE LOCATIONS.
true. but the e.d. was tied to that. like it was killing ourself without killing ourself.
AND THIS WAS ALL BECAUSE OF THE TRAUMA?
just like with the mother. the situations are all way too similar apparently
SO WE STILL WANT TO DIE?
no. someone does, on the somafoni level apparently. physical. acting on body memories i guess
WE'RE SLIPPING REALLY BAD
i know we're even getting information on this that's insane
MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP BEFORE WE LOSE OUR SENSES OF SELF TOO
yeah we don't have much of those to begin with. but at least we wrote stuff down for people, high five
HECK YEAH
at least we're still alive
ALL OF US?
yeah. the e.d. and the trauma haven't killed us yet
THERE IS NO "YET" THERE. THEY DON'T GET THE RIGHT TO KILL US. ANY OF US.
they tried. they succeeded in some cases
BULL SHIT. YOU THINK THE CORES WILL LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THAT?
haha no. you're right. jay fights like hell against hell.
HE DOES. SO DO THE JEWELS AND CANNONS. ALL THE KARDIFONI DO. THAT'S THEIR JOB. LOVE AND LIFE.
they're probably so pissed at these eating disorder people
NO THEY'RE HEARTBROKEN MOSTLY.
really?
YEAH, DUH. NO SOMAFONI WOULD DO THAT UNLESS THEY WERE DEVASTATINGLY BROKEN
so even you swearing up the wall at them, you recognize that?
I CAN ADMIT IT MAKES SENSE. I MEAN YOU DON'T DO THAT SHIT UNLESS YOU'RE SCREWED UP BAD. BUT I'M STILL PISSED AS HELL AT THEM ALL. AND I'D KILL 'EM IF I COULD. BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT'S NOT SMART OR POSSIBLE. UNFORTUNATELY.
yeah murdering foni never ends well. historically. for anyone.
GOOD POINT. IF THERE'S A STUPID DAMN REASON WHY THEY'RE DOING THIS THEN SOMEONE ELSE WOULD TAKE THEIR PLACE.
...do you want to test that
SHIT YES I DO. BUT LIKE I SAID, DON'T KNOW IF IT'S POSSIBLE.
why
I DON'T HAVE A BODY, DO I? AND I'M NOT ON THEIR LEVEL EITHER. PLUS THEY DON'T HAVE INTERNAL FORMS. THEY'RE IN THE BODY. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO KILL A SOMAFONI.
they're doing a pretty damn good job of that themselves
THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT. SADLY. AND ANGRILY, KILLING US IN THE PROCESS.
do they even realize that?
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE, PROBABLY NOT, THEY THINK LIKE SINGLETS
some of them do
THE WORST OF THEM DO.
i've heard that some of them are aware of the System at large though. and talk to Central. like Julie was apparently helping one of them today
YEAH BECAUSE THE TRAUMA TRIGGERED HER OUT WHICH IS FUCKING INSANE.
...still, it shows that there's hope there, i guess.
YEAH YOU'RE RIGHT. IF JULIE HADN'T SHOWED UP AND INSISTED THAT THEY STOP DOING WHAT THEY WERE DOING, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE DONE
no kidding. jeez. that's a scary thought. it could've been worse
YEAH JUST LOOK AT THE OLD DAYS DATA. "TILLY" DAYS. SHE WAS FUCKING NUTS.
she was a thriskefoni, how the hell was she perpetuating the eating disorder?
I DUNNO, MAYBE SHE WASN'T, I'M SURE THERE WERE ESTHIOS IN THE WORKS THERE TOO, BUT TILLY DIDN'T HELP AT ALL
i know nothing about her
I ONLY KNOW WHAT I'M TELLING YOU. BARE BONES DATA. BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
who the hell was responsible for e.d. behavior in cnc btw? does anybody know?
ZUCCH? JASON? THOSE ARE THE NAMES I'M GETTING. TAUREIA? A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
geez i know nothing about that
NEITHER DO I. NO ONE HAS LOOKED AT THE DATA IN YEARS. LITERALLY SINCE IT WAS WRITTEN
maybe we should
DEFINITELY WE SHOULD. IF ANYONE WAS TRYING TO TRAUMATIZE US FURTHER VIA FOOD IT WAS DEFINITELY IN CNC.
yeah no kidding, that's when we were actively suicidal, even i know that
AND YET SOMEHOW NO ONE REALIZED IT OUTSIDE.
that's kind of the point, isn't it?
APPARENTLY, SADLY, YEAH.
self-annihilation but cut off from the rest of the people fronting. that happened today, didn't it?
YEAH WITH THE TOTAL MEMORY LOSS. LIKE I SAID THE CANNON-CORE WAS PISSED. AND SCARED TO DEATH OF COURSE. LITERALLY "CAME TO" AND LOOKED AT THE CLOCK AND WAS LIKE "WHAT THE HELL, IT WAS JUST 3PM, WHERE THE FUCK DID THE PAST 10 HOURS GO"
how the hell are you getting this data
IT'S BEING MADE AVAILABLE TO ME. THERE'S A DATA FEED ON SOME STUFF IF YOU REACH UP FOR IT.
really? nice. the archivists?
NO THE... HELMET GIRL?
huh
NO NAME. I'VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE. SHE'S NOT NEW THOUGH.
well tell her thank you because otherwise i don't think anyone else would be writing this down
THAT'S OUR JOB I GUESS
are we done?
MAYBE I GUESS HOLY SHIT IT'S 3AM
yeah that's probably our curtain call. hey thanks for talking with me about this. glad we can at least help everyone else in whatever way we can.
HEY YOU TOO. SORRY WE'VE BEEN SLIPPING SO BAD
that's to be expected. we're blurry. we're grafifoni to boot, we're bound to blur with datafeeds and all that. gonna take time to figure ourselves out
AT LEAST IN THE MEANTIME WE'RE STILL DOING GOOD WORK
yeah, that means a lot.
IT DOES. THANKS FOR BEING HERE
you too

(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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"On a day-to-day basis, I'd like people to try to:"
✳ RESPECT me enough to be STRAIGHT with me = DIALOGUE
✳ BE HONEST & DIRECT YET COMPASSIONATE. Please DON'T be "softshoeing" or "inoffensive" but DON'T THROW DARTS at me either?
1. Respect my need for distance/ quiet/ stillness, while still kindly allowing me to be welcome & feel wanted in nearby company
2. Respect my innate plurality, as it affects how "I" speak & behave & think, and if it is denied/ rejected/ ignored, so is the TRUTH of my life AND the "REAL" me
3. Give me at least feedback, if not dialogue, when I speak. I may ramble, but I'm not monologuing. I'm sharing my thoughts WITH you because I trust I CAN tell you.

"When you see that I'm upset about something, please try to:"
1. NOT touch me! That will unsettle/ scare me more. I need space, but NOT abandonment. Help me get AWAY from crowds/ noise/ business so I CAN calm down/ think/ communicate.
2. NOT stare at me or "put the focus" on me. Stay "accessible" if I need help but don't FORCE "help" on me? All that attention/ FUSS makes me feel TRAPPED/ IN DANGER/ IN TROUBLE.
3. ASK CLEAR & "SEARCHING" QUESTIONS. Not "are you okay?" but, "hey, talk to me. What shook you up so bad?" EVEN if I'm OTHERWISE "unable to respond," I/ WE CAN STILL "GIVE DATA"? That's "GROUNDING" & helps me "GET BACK TO MYSELF."

"When you say "you DO/ you WILL/ you ALWAYS/ you FEEL" etc. to me, I feel SCARED, ANGRY, SAD, & "TRAPPED" because I assume YOUR words override my own experiences, and I "can't say no" to "truth." In the future, when we talk about my history/ behavior/ personality, I'd prefer if you try your best to ask more questions & enter into honest DIALOGUE rather than speak in absolutes/ assumptions, or just talk "AT" each other because I care about our relationship & WANT real communication/ genuine relationship."

"Other important things I need to tell you:"
I'm prone to either "acting like everything is perfect/ no problems" FOR the BENEFIT/ HAPPINESS of others, OR "spilling my guts" & "dwelling on the pain" out of a desperate attempt to "feel cared about"/ "get help"/ FINALLY ADMIT THAT I'M NOT PERFECT. I'm not trying to drag you down or depress you. I'm TRUSTING you enough to be THAT VULNERABLE in the hopes that we can "CONNECT" & GROW TOGETHER even in sharing wounds TO HEAL! (YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME (HOPED) TO BE HONEST & VULNERABLE WITH ME, TOO.)

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"What helps your wellbeing to stay mentally healthy at work?"
Quiet environment, "stillness" (MINIMIZE distraction = lessens "shock" of forced shifts from "inner to outer"), upbeat or calming music (depending on whether I'm doing hard labor or more meditative tasks), dialogue with the System, making BOTH "tasks that need to be completed today" AND "pros/ cons for possible decisions" lists? (to PREVENT impulsivity! NOT anxious obsessing, but WISE DISCERNMENT for NON-DISORDERED CHOICES; "NEUTRAL") ("S.M.A.R.T." list! Prioritized and ACHIEVABLE within realistic time/ means? PREVENT OVERWHELM & SPECIFY FOCUS & EFFORT)
✳ ALSO we WILL need to MAKE SURE WE EAT & EXERCISE at proper times to HELP our brain!

"What can your mother do to support you staying healthy at work?"
Mom could give me a SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE TASK, with a clear "end goal" & directions? Having my own background music helps too, instead of chatter OR her music? (No offense intended, it just brings up childhood/ trauma flashbacks that it is NOT the right time or place to process) ALSO if I pack a lunch/ breakfast, a STILL/ QUIET/ CLEAN environment to eat IN helps a LOT. Eating in that house is one of my biggest trauma triggers.

"Are there any situations at work that can trigger poor mental health for you?"
CONSTANT HIGHSPEED TALKING/ BACKGROUND NOISE/ LOUD MUSIC & TV/ RUSHING. The house ITSELF is stressful with the clutter & cats & dirt. It smells like death. I MIGHT need to STAY OUT OF THOSE SPACES & work on the porch or outside? I WILL LIKELY NEED TO "STAY UPSTAIRS" TO FUNCTION PROPERLY. Also BE VIGILANT FOR ENVIRONMENTAL TRAUMA TRIGGERS. BRING COPING TOOLS WITH US.

"What do you usually do that helps you manage stress?"
"BURN OFF" stress with short-term high-intensity exercise (HIGH IMPACT); take a "time out" to BREATHE OUTSIDE (at the house)/ GO UPSTAIRS; go somewhere private where we can FEEL & EXPRESS & briefly PROCESS our stress response; basically DO NOT BOTTLE IT UP OR DENY IT!! Then we can do something POSITIVE to "RECOVER"/ physically "shake out" the trauma, like listening to upbeat System tunes + SING/ DANCE.

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What, and who, is worth suffering for?
"Suffering," to me, is the experience of some negative/ painful circumstance that we are averse and/or resistant to. As a Catholic, I believe that Christ suffered ALL human pain for the sake of love. By sharing it WILLINGLY, He TRANSFORMED it into a MEANS OF SANCTIFICATION. Choosing to suffer for love of another is the victory of goodness over evil, of life over death.

What would you stand for if you knew that nobody would judge you?
I would stand for the truth of my faith, for the reality of our System, for the purpose & worth & beauty of ALL life & creation, and the legitimacy of objective Truth.

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?
Honestly, I would LIVE FULLTIME AS A SYSTEM, be completely unafraid of sharing & PUBLISHING the League, and get ENTHUSIASTICALLY involved in the selfshipping & queer Catholic communities online. I also would go back to publishing MUSIC online, and maybe do a poetry reading locally & do art for a gallery.

Based on your daily routines, where will you be in five years?
Well, if we DON'T CHANGE IT, we'll be DEAD! But if we DO, to our IDEAL, we will be a PUBLISHED AUTHOR, with a discography and portfolio, and will be doing public speaking on inspirational/ motivational/ SPIRITUAL topics. We might ALSO be a consecrated virgin. We'll ALSO BE PROPERLY CATECHIZED & PROPERLY BUFF. And we'll be JOYOUSLY ALIVE!

What do you not want anybody else to know about you?
...The grotesque extents of self-abuse and sexual torture/ humiliation we suffered AT OUR OWN HANDS during the Julie Days & Splinter era.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them? Why did they seem so insurmountable? How did you?
The SLC/ CNC eras. The Julie days. The "hell summer." We survived because we NEVER let go of our FAITH IN GOD, OR our LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.

Who do you admire the most, and why?
Outside the System? Maybe my mom & dad? Or Jem Godfrey/ Todd Rundgren. I admire their TENACIOUS, UNFLAGGING DRIVE, commitment to constant creative output, and strong yet humorous personalities.

What are your greatest accomplishments so far?
NOT DYING! Also the ARCHIVES, and writing/ drawing/ composing as much as we HAVE for the League.

What would be too good to believe if someone were to sit down and tell you what’s coming next in your life?
Actually meeting (and probably marrying) Chaos 0, seriously. But more "realistically," that I WOULD COMPLETE & PUBLISH at least the main Leagueworlds, and they would be RECEIVED WITH JOY AND LOVED BY CHILDREN especially.

Who from your past are you still trying to earn the acceptance of?
Mom. Dad. Grandma. Q. Mel. MC. TBAS. UPMC & HAVEN doctors. AAA & HB, maybe.

If you didn’t have to work anymore, what would you do with your days?
LEAGUEWORK & RELIGIOUS STUDY that is the FOUNDATION for my creative works. I'd also BUY & LEARN as many instruments & art mediums as possible, and VISIT GIMMELWALD

What are the five most common things in your daily routine aside from the basics such as eating and sleeping?
Mass + prayer, Bible study, bike exercise, listening to religious lectures, & coping with mental issues tbh

What do you wish those five most common things were instead?
I'd like to ADD IN Leaguework, journaling, playing music, BETTER exercise (WEIGHTS), Adoration, and spending time with the fam & neighbors in MUTUALLY EDIFYING WAYS

If you really believed you didn’t have control over something, you’d accept it as a matter of fact. What do you struggle to accept that you have “no control” over? What part of you makes you think or hope otherwise?
The trauma. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALL OF IT, rightly or wrongly. I hope that if I DO have control over it, I can "MAKE RESTITUTION" or "FIX" things. ...Also I feel the same about my grandparents deaths.

If you were to walk through your home and put your hand on every single thing you own, how many of them would make you sincerely feel happy or at peace? Why do you keep the rest?
ALL THE LEAGUESTUFF, my childhood Bible, the anchor plushies of Celebi & Chaos 0 & Unisalia, maybe a few children's books. So many other things were "bought with blood money" or are just daily-need tools/ items. The former I keep because I desperately hope I (or better, GOD) can still use them IN/ AS RESTITUTION.

What bothers you most about other people? What do you love most in other people? What bothers you most about yourself? What do you love most about yourself?
Bother = "cowardice", talking quiet/ trailing off, arrogance, showing off, acting entitled, seeking "safety," "mousy" behavior, unassertiveness, lewd/ sexual behavior & interests, crying, complaining, closed body language, talking too much, talking over people, being too interested in pop culture, inability to read/ spell? "Not knowing what they SHOULD"
Love = their hopes & dreams, little idiosyncrasies, their favorite things & WHY, their physical uniqueness, their histories & what brought them to this very moment
In MYSELF, it's VIRTUALLY THE SAME. I am bothered by SEEING what I'M AFRAID to/ DON'T WANT TO EVER BE.

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WITH "SELF-CARE," ASK = "WHAT NURTURES YOU?" WHAT SUPPORTS YOUR WELL-BEING? (NOT COMPULSIVE APPEASEMENT)
✳ SELF-CARE CANNOT BE FORCED!!
✳ "SELF-CARE" IS SUBJECTIVE!! It depends on what YOU UNIQUELY NEED THAT DAY!
✳ YOU MUST BE WILLING AND ABLE TO FREELY CHOOSE THESE ACTIVITIES OR THEY AREN'T SELF-CARE!! EVEN if they're difficult, if you GENUINELY FEEL/ REASON that it WILL "NOURISH" YOUR BEING FOR GOOD, then it IS a CARING CHOICE. IF YOU'RE FORCING YOURSELF AND FURTHER STRESSING/ EXHAUSTING YOURSELF, YOU'RE NOT BEING CARING!!!
(✳ think of FLOWERS: each one NEEDS different soil/ light/ water/ food to PROPERLY FLOURISH in ITS UNIQUENESS!)

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"What is a situation where waiting 15 minutes before reacting could have helped you in the past?"

GROCERY SHOPPING. We tend to DISSOCIATE in social situations, ESPECIALLY with all the environmental sensory overwhelm, so we HAVE to spend a LOT of time DISCUSSING our GOALS TOGETHER at home FIRST, & WRITE THEM DOWN & STICK TO IT when we get to the store. OTHERWISE, we historically "WILL" act/ choose impulsively/ compulsively, because we're OVERSTIMULATED & LACKING DIRECTION/ PURPOSE. So STOPPING & REASONING TOGETHER & deciding on a GAMEPLAN keeps us acting WISELY.

To "set ourself up for success," we can practice these strategies...

HOW=
● Journaling
● Talking upstairs
● Praying about it
● Making lists
● Typing on phone
● Reading relevant Scripture

WHEN=
● BEFORE entering ANY store
● Before bed/ before rising
● BEFORE driving
● AFTER AND BEFORE MEALS

WHERE=
● In the car
● In Adoration
● In bed before waking up
● At the laptop(s)
● At the window table?

A FEW POSITIVE DISTRACTIONS TO USE=
● Put on a favorite song that has INTERESTING STRUCTURE/ FLOW to draw in your attention & delight
● Start brainstorming the League OUT LOUD (and BRING A VOICE RECORDER!)
● Answer a fun survey, or ponder some "talk topics"

A COPING BOX TO TAKE OUR MIND OFF WAITING=
● PRINTED pages of your favorite Archive entries, Leagueworks, poetry, Scripture, & quotes
● A little Gideon Bible
● A blank notebook & colored pens = TALK TOGETHER
● Magazines/ scissors to prep collages?

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CHANGES TO MAKE AT HOME TO SUSTAIN/ CONTINUE RECOVERY & PREVENT RELAPSE/ TRIGGERS=

● Buy NEW, RESPECTABLE clothes that FIT your HEALTHY BODY
● "REMODEL" KITCHEN to disconnect visuals from flashbacks?
● Set aside a FIXED SPACE in the LIVING ROOM for CREATIVE PROJECTS (paint)?
● BUY KITCHENWARE to facilitate PROPER nutrition (e.g. pot, pan, utensils, bakeware)?
● Get your instruments out of hiding & start to play on them; learn to tap into JOY, not perfection, and THEN start WATCHING LESSONS
● Dust off the Wacom & start SLOW with simply COLORING. Tap into CHILDLIKE JOY; DON'T make art about mere UTILITY
● SLOWLY start living in COMMUNITY. Take the bus. Join the gym. Take a walk to the local cafe/ eateries. SIT OUTSIDE and read OR write, just to be AROUND & ACCESSIBLE to your neighbors. Make FRIENDS.
● Be more active online. Start a blog like your old Tumblr. Do audio readings. Share your talents with the world.

THE VERY FIRST THING I CAN DO=

● BUY ONE WEEK'S WORTH of NEW, NUTRITIOUS FOODS to TRY, that COULD REALISTICALLY BE INTEGRATED INTO A CONSISTENT YET FLEXIBLE DIET PLAN. DON'T OVERBUY/ NO COMPULSIONS!
● START JOURNALING EVERY NIGHT, AND DOING A HANDWRITTEN (BOOK) REFLECTION EVERY MORNING. START FILLING OUT THE LAPTOP SURVEYS IN EARNEST, TO PRACTICE CLARIFYING AND ASSERTING YOUR REAL, UNIQUE IDENTITY.

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AVOIDING RELAPSE INTO BULIMIC BEHAVIORS

LIKELY SITUATIONS FOR RELAPSE:
WHERE: with mom, ESPECIALLY up the house/ after a phone call
WHEN: after breakfast = "DOWNTIME"; feeling RUSHED/ GUILTY
WITH WHOM: with mom, with therapist? ANYTIME I'm NOT with the System!!
DOING WHAT: AFTER EATING, or AROUND FOOD
THINKING WHAT: cruel, self-critical/ hateful/ cursing/ blaming thoughts towards SELF
FEELING WHAT: "impending doom"; intense panic/ manic rush? "sobbing fear" beneath

ACTION STRATEGIES:
1. Sit down, close eyes, deep breathing (several minutes)
2. DIVE RESPONSE + brush teeth + CLEAN UP & LIGHTS OFF!
3. "HIIT" EXERCISE to burn off nerves? LIFT WEIGHTS!
4. GROUNDING exercises; STAY CONSCIOUS IN THE BODY/ IN CONTROL

THINKING STRATEGIES:
1. Think about PEOPLE YOU LOVE & WHO YOU ARE WITH THEM. BE THAT TRUTH!!
2. List League things/ people categorically; describe them in detail; focus on BEAUTY & LOVE
3. Positive affirmations in the PRESENT? "I CAN wait this out." "I WILL practice discipline." etc.
4. Remember Scripture promises/ instructions & CHOOSE to OBEY by GRACE

FEELING STRATEGIES:
1. Put on a "COPING PLAYLIST" & REALLY feel the music
2. Read emotionally moving Archive entries and/or Leaguework
3. Sit down at the laptop & FEEL IT OUT/ WRITE IT DOWN TOGETHER!
4. PRAY ABOUT IT IMMEDIATELY & HOLD NOTHING BACK.

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DISTRESS TOLERANCE EVENTS=
1. Feeling self-conscious about face shape/ body size. Gave big smile & open arms to mirror.
2. Anxious about "no clear direction" to schedule/ treatment. Gave it over to God; TRUST
3. Disturbing/ lewd television programming in group room/ similar conversation; "SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED!!"

NOTICED THOUGHTS=
1. "I have to be accomplishing something & I feel directionless/ overwhelmed"
2. Annoyed/ irritated by group: "I'm upset with how they keep complaining"; anxious about "I'm not doing what I'm expected to"/ "I need to do that art project "PERFECTLY" now"
3. "I'm a failure/ I'm a sham/ I'm in trouble now/ I'm angry that she said that"

✳ ANXI said, "We're afraid that if we're NOT ACTIVELY WORKING, we're NOT PROGRESSING IN TREATMENT" = that's FALSE! ✳ Lynne/ Julie/ Scalpel MUSIC; "it's okay to just think about beautiful things; THAT'S recovery TOO" (of SELF/ PEACE)

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THE EATING DISORDER SEES HEALTH AS:
● Only eat within a 4-6 hour window
● No "heavy/ sticky/ dense" foods
● Eating lots of vegetables
● Minimal/ no sugar
● Low carbs/ no "refined" carbs
● Light density/ low volume, "masculine" foods
● NO desserts/ sweets
● No processed/ packaged food
● 2 hours exercise daily
● Being athletically muscular
● Lots of water
● Only 2 meals maximum
● FASTING 16+ hours DAILY

REALISTIC HEALTH IS:
● Don't force yourself to eat huge amounts OR foods that make you physically ill
● NO "obligatory/ slavery" foods/ NO TRAUMA FORCING
● Eat smaller meals more often
● Eat VARIETY
● No rigid timing or prep rules
● No forcing extra vegetables
● Exercise daily but NOT until you crash
● No hyperfasts
● Able to choose & eat food FREELY/ WITHOUT FEAR OR COMPULSION

THE EATING DISORDER MANIFESTS AS:
● Constantly EITHER fasting OR bingeing
● Rigid food/ timing/ taste/ texture "rules" that make meals exhausting
● Keep forcing myself to use food AS ABUSE or as a TRIGGER
● Can't stop worrying about "wrong/ fatal food choices"
● Always feel scared/ sick/ weak
● Obsessive "I MUST eat that OR ELSE" fear
● Not allowing self to ENJOY food OR make my OWN choices
● NO TIME TO LIVE

THE EATING DISORDER DOES THIS IN MY LIFE (FUNCTION/ NEEDS??):
● Ritualized method of "reliving trauma"
● "Acceptable" form of self-abuse (even in public)
● Attempt to "make restitution" for offenses against others
● Attempt to impress "authority" by my capacity to endure/ suffer/ "be strong"
● Method of "control" over what I'm "forced to ingest"/ PURGE what is harmful
● Way of forcing self to FEEL trauma emotions
● "Force" helpless terror & rage to "jumpstart" my "fighting back"
● Desperate attempts to trigger childhood memories/ "remember alleged happiness"

"VALUE-ALIGNING" WAYS TO MEET THESE SAME NEEDS:
● XANGA SESSION & nightly journaling
● Cathartic music + headspace meditation
● Reading the archives
● Express emotions in art
● Reroute "self-abuse/ endure" into strenuous exercise (weightlifting)
● Keep track of daily victories & gratitude
● Set & pursue healthy self-discipline challenges
● Do good deeds for others that are fitting as penance
● Do personal "works of mercy" for "abusers"/ family

TWO EATING DISORDER "RULES" YOU CAN (WILL) CHALLENGE OVER THE NEXT 2 WEEKS:
1) I DON'T HAVE TO PUSH/ FORCE CALORIES/ EXCHANGES. I CAN eat less & OBEY the LIMITS & BE SATISFIED. I CAN slow down & enjoy the food.
2) I AM ALLOWED AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENJOY FOOD, AND TO CHOOSE THE FOODS I ENJOY. Eating DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WAR/ TORTURE.

FOR ME, "HEALTHY" MEANS...
✳ LIVING & THINKING AS A SYSTEM
✳ Nourishing my MIND/ HEART/ SOUL with CREATING & LEARNING
✳ Eating regular, reasonable, flexible, balanced, enjoyable meals
✳ Balancing work/ rest, food/ religion, and self/ others
✳ Food is NOT the center of my life, just FUEL for MY PURPOSE

MENTAL HEALTH:
● NIGHTLY SYSTEM JOURNALING/ CONVERSATIONS/ MEDITATIONS
● Gratitude journaling & "personality surveys" to "know myself"
● DAILY creative output, even just a few lines of ideas or poetry
● Engage in "coping skills" regularly to stay stable & enrich life

PHYSICAL HEALTH (THAT ISN'T FOOD/ EXERCISE):
● Start a better hygiene routine; shower at least twice weekly
● Set & keep to a regular sleep schedule
● Let myself rest & take breaks to recover from high exertion days
● Wear clean clothes, keep living space tidy, & DUST THE HOUSE!

HEALTH OF RELATIONSHIPS:
● Call dad & text brothers at least once a week; keep talking to mom
● Spend time in the apartments' communal spaces & meet the neighbors
● Finally get involved in the Tumblr F/O community & share the LOVE
● Get involved in the local creative & queer communities

EMOTIONAL HEALTH:
● Self-expression through playing an instrument, emphasis on "play"
● Listen to cathartic music/ watch a cathartic movie
● Let yourself LAUGH! Make Tumblr/ Youtube collections to have accessible
● Journal about GRATITUDE/ BLESSINGS/ POSITIVE thoughts DAILY

SPIRITUAL HEALTH:
● Go to daily Mass & at least 30m of Adoration
● Daily Scripture study/ reading for ≥1 hour
● Attend "recreational" church events to join in Christian fellowship
● TALK to God more often & pray with JOY, not rigidity

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We're watching Catfish again in the group room & I have 2 thoughts: first, I WANT TO BE LIKE MAX. He looks legit EXACTLY like I wanted to look as a guy (also looks a lot like my dad, GO FIGURE), plus he's super kind/ nice/ funny/ confident/ industrious which are ALL virtues I value & am striving to grow in myself. So God bless the dude, he's a good role model for me in those unique ways. I want to be so BLUNTLY HONEST YET CONSIDERATE, unflaggingly devoted to helping people & pursuing justice, too-- WHILE having fun & being goofy with his friends: ideals I must continue to work towards.
Secondly: I MISS AIRPORTS?? I MISS the "TRAVEL" feeling, that "interim" space between destinations, the feeling of potential & adventure & discovery... the people from all over the world passing through, lives intersecting for brief blessed moments, those precious tiny interactions before they continue on to their next unknown. It's beautiful. And SO is FLYING itself. I can see why my sibling wants to be a pilot, even if it's not my calling or vibe. I still recognize & appreciate the beauty & freedom & skill of it. But... I wonder, would I ever want to just TRAVEL? Is that a lifestyle, however brief, that I'm capable of living? The "unmoored" yet liberating sense of being a pilgrim, a wanderer, a voyager, with no roots in the places I'm going except the ones I may choose to put down in love, even as I continue to explore & move on; the experience of searching for food & shelter & knowing it's all brief & temporary & all the more special for it; the plane tickets & bus tickets & long walks of sheer wonder, always aware of my limited time that makes it all holy if I let it. I wonder. It REQUIRES SUCH STRENGTH OF CHARACTER to pull off, too, which I think is a HUGE factor in WHY I wonder, because I WANT to be that kind of person. I WANT to be THAT CONFIDENT & COURAGEOUS, to have THAT much TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE & in my OWN CAPABILITY of meeting challenges & MANAGING "on my own." I WANT to be THAT DARING & JOYFUL ABOUT IT. But you know what? I just need to START NOW, & START SMALL. Start by TAKING THE BUS. Start by WALKING FURTHER. Start by VISITING LOCAL RESTAURANTS & SHOPS. Start by going to COFFEESHOPS & LIBRARIES & just BEING AROUND PEOPLE. Little steps add up! But DO START SMALL. You need to WORK UP TO HIGHER LEVELS, so it can GENUINELY TAKE ROOT & GROW SOLID. Jumping too far ahead isn't sustainable or wise. Plus it's more fun to work up from the ground up, as it were. From level 5 to level 100! And seriously, CHERISH THE PROCESS. There IS ADVENTURE & DISCOVERY & TRAVEL & WANDERING BLISS RIGHT HERE WHERE YOU ARE. EVERY town is someone's hometown, so START WITH YOURS. Be your OWN airport until we gain that opportunity in the future. But DO NOT DEVALUE THE "EVERYDAY/ MUNDANE/ ORDINARY." This part of the world is blessed & full of wonder & beauty too. The JOY is to FIND it & TREASURE it. Don't blind yourself to how special the present moment is, now. You ARE a pilgrim, on the way to HEAVEN! ♥

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✳ I know we briefly journaled about this in UPMC, but with Halloween this Thursday, we really should review WHY we still get "triggered" by the holiday, even briefly, just for the sake of later discussion. The first 2 immediate associations are: the original suicide attempt post-SLC (the 451 one, with Laurie), and the "streetlamp devil" moment in CNC (+THERE WAS MORE.) The other "fears" are from the first post-CNC Halloween when we purposely binged on TBAS's favorite candy as "restitution," childhood fears of the Knoebel's haunted house ride, teenage terror from BoyScout "haunted hayride" scares & environments, & childhood dread-horror weirdly tied to Country Junction "scare rooms/ tunnels" & hay rides/ corn mazes in general. Oh, and Roba's, for the "country" aesthetic & the crowds & smells, plus the oddly persistent fright-aversion to hay, corn, & barns. And DON'T FORGET COUNTY FAIRS, with their awful noise & those multilevel funhouses & amusement park rides. ALL of that has this underlying vibe of OVERWHELM, HELPLESSNESS, & being TRAPPED/ DOOMED. Literally just writing it out is triggering a physical panic response. That's significant to note. THEN there's the ADDED fact that Halloween happens mostly AT NIGHT, among LOTS OF PEOPLE, which is the "ultimate nightmare" in a way. Night SHOULD be a time of rest & safety & quiet solitude & HOME. When it becomes busy & dangerous & loud & crowded & FAR AWAY from ANY familiar/ welcoming/ belonging place, it feels like hell itself. This becomes LITERAL when, at Halloween, the FOCUS & AESTHETIC IS LITERAL "HELL." It's all ABOUT fear & danger & death. And I experienced religious-psychological "abuse" as a child that was ANALOGOUS to Halloween "themes." Honestly though Halloween is a TRAUMABOMB BY NATURE so it's really kinda NATURAL to be disturbed by it-- with all the blood & gore & violence & witchcraft & demons & monsters. I do NOT like it and even just for MORAL reasons I NEVER WILL. I will celebrate "All Hallow's Eve" like a Catholic should, & the culture's corruption is of no appeal or interest to me. HOWEVER, I DON'T WANT IT TO HAVE THIS "TRAUMA CONTROL" over my emotional state every October. I want to take ALL that "power" AWAY from it. Step one really should be AFFIRMING the TRUTH that EVIL IS "VOID" & GOD IS ETERNALLY VICTORIOUS, and as His child God WILL protect my soul from ALL that stuff, EVEN IF it IS scary. That's WHY & HOW Goodness is so powerful-- like the Cross, it stands INVINCIBLE EVEN IN the very MIDST of the worst fear & suffering, and it TRANSMUTES THEM. Light CHANGES things. It IS, whereas "dark" is "NOT." That's the ultimate truth. All these dark things are DOOMED TO DISAPPEAR in the end. So HOLD ON TO THAT HOPE & KEEP FIGHTING!

Today we went to the unit art show in the gym, and me & Laurie walked around together looking at art & eating cheese cubes & crackers & apple cider. It was genuinely so simply joyous.
THAT'S the life we want-- free, full of gratitude & wonder, lived TOGETHER in mutual love.

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Reading "The Gospel According to Jesus" this morning revealed something HUGE= Deep down, I "WANT" TO BE A "DOULOS"-- A SLAVE. One "whose VERY EXISTENCE is DEFINED BY her service to another" to whom she "BELONGS." Therefore "she LACKS PERSONAL FREEDOM/ RIGHTS" as "her HUMAN AUTONOMY is SET ASIDE" and "AN ALIEN WILL TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER HER OWN"-- she is "LEGALLY FORCED" to give "TOTAL, UNQUALIFIED SUBMISSION to the CONTROL & DIRECTIVES of a higher AUTHORITY" = her "MASTER," who DID NOT HAVE TO GIVE HER "WAGES" BECAUSE SHE WAS PROPERTY, "WITHOUT SOCIAL STANDING OR RIGHTS." A "doulos" is "DEPENDENT ON HER LORD," OBLIGATED TO SERVICE NOT BY CHOICE BUT BY LEGAL SUBJECTION. A slave HAS TO DO WHAT SHE IS TOLD, WHETHER SHE WANTS TO OR NOT, WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT. SHE CANNOT SAY "NO," EVER. SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO. And THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I SEE MYSELF. WHY.
✳ TWO things: in TRUTH, my ONLY "LORD & MASTER" IS JESUS CHRIST. Literally NO ONE ELSE has authority over me. I am BOUND TO OBEY GOD ALONE. And GOD IS TRUTH & BEAUTY & LOVE. That's the SECOND thing: EVEN in my compulsive "slavery" mindset to PEOPLE, I LOVE THEM and so MY "SLAVERY" IS BY CHOICE AS LONG AS THAT ENDURES. This, however, causes TERRIBLE CONFLICT & FRIGHTFUL CONFUSION/ PARALYSIS when I "TRY TO BE A SLAVE TO TWO MASTERS." IF MOM wants one thing & GRANDMA wants another, or TBAS is in opposition to TAS, or even worse if ALL OF THEM ARE "GIVING CONFLICTING ORDERS"-- then WHO DO I SURRENDER MY WILL TO? WHOSE SLAVE AM I? Because technically I CAN'T "be OWNED by" them ALL... I CAN'T "BELONG TO" them all. AND PART OF ME "WANTS" TO, although the thought TERRIFIES her, because it REQUIRES that she "SET ASIDE her HUMAN AUTONOMY." I become SUBHUMAN inevitably-- an animal, an object, mere property-- but I'm "USEFUL." I'm "WANTED." I "BELONG" to someone. It's HEARTBREAKING as much as it's SICKENING. And the ONLY WAY OUT IS LITERALLY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST THAT ACTUALLY "BOUGHT ME". I BELONG TO GOD. And THEREFORE I MUST "SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD." NOT trying to please/ appease/ entertain people from my past. THAT'S the REAL truth. But... I feel like I'm "TRYING TO SELL MYSELF"???
✳ Continuing the "SLAVERY" topic BECAUSE THAT is POWERFULLY impacting/ directing our ENTIRE SCHEDULE. I think I'M somehow treating the FACT that "I BELONG TO GOD, AS A SLAVE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS" (ROM 6:18) with fatal misunderstanding/ imprudent application? Like I WANT & NEED my life to REVOLVE AROUND GOD, around the CATHOLIC CHURCH/ RELIGION that HE established & IN WHICH IS MY LIFE & SALVATION. But... I don't know how to "fit anything else in." "Nothing else IS needed," I think. "ONLY God is necessary." But AM I LIMITING GOD?? If I "can't eat until I pray/ adore/ go to Mass," and the hospital ORDERED me to eat MORE, how do I reconcile OBEDIENCE to BOTH, if GOD is BOTH PRIORITY AND the One Who PUT me under that lesser authority? If my body "NEEDS" to eat & sleep & exercise & work & play, but I feel COMPELLED AS A SLAVE to ONLY do explicitly religious activities to the EXCLUSION of "worldly" "needs," am I dishonoring God by "confining" Him AND worship of Him TO "only religious activities"? AND am I even ALLOWED to "cut down"/ alter my strict prayer schedule? Is it WRONG to want to go to the gym if it will conflict with Adoration AND breakfast? And what about creative work & journaling, if that time must be taken away from religious lectures? Do I HAVE to go to two Masses a day if that prevents me from eating? HOW DO I BALANCE BODY & SPIRIT? WHY AM I PUTTING THEM IN CONFLICT??

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✳ Okay dude let's TALK MEALPLANS because this is OUR RESPONSIBILITY IN RECOVERY.
✳ LAVENDER BK needs 3 FRUITS. In general, ALL the plans MANDATE 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY!!! So, on the unit, to avoid too much volume at once (esp. with fiber) we will HAVE to do JUICE. That can actually be COOL because we can COMBINE them and see what results, haha. Just be prudent, not stupidly "bingey" in making "SLOP" out of DISTINCT WHOLE FOODS. You have the SAME PROBLEM WITH CONDIMENTS. Seriously, for FREEDOM & HONOR'S SAKE, STOP ADDING BUTTER & MAYO & SALAD DRESSING TO EVERYTHING and JUST ENJOY FOOD PLAIN, LIKE YOU WANT!
✳ We're in a cottage cheese loop with ALL meals & we SHOULD vary that with an EGG once daily. But SHOULD we eat the string cheese stick? Because we're avoiding it due to 1) overprocessing & 2) I don't want to "become that food," or rather, "take on" the "image" of "the KIND OF PERSON" who eats plastic-wrapped cheese products. It's a "BAD" vibe; it feels GROSS & SICK & ARTIFICIAL. We want to be the "kind of person" who eats WHOLE FOODS, NOT THE "CHEAP/ PROCESSED" STUFF that, to us, FEELS LIKE BINGE FOOD? Because THAT action "DENATURED" real food into SLOP, and processed food is "already closer to nonfood" than a "real" item like the egg OR cottage cheese (minimal, clean ingredients). BUT ARE WE JUDGING TOO MUCH?? Honestly I THINK SO. We're NOT FREE to MEET ALL OCCASIONS GOD OFFERS TO US, and NOT FREE to SHARE in ALL HUMAN EXPERIENCE WITH FOOD, IF WE REJECT/ REFUSE "WHAT WE ARE GIVEN/ SHARING IN" out of ALOOF/ PROUD/ FEARFUL MORAL JUDGMENT. THAT is DISORDERED.
✳ This begs the question: ARE WE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE THE "HEALTHIER"/ "CLEANER" (RESO) OPTION IF THE ALTERNATIVE IS A FOOD ON THAT "COMPULSIVE" LIST, TIED TO OTHER PEOPLE? MUST WE ALWAYS CHOOSE THE "CHALLENGE/ OBLIGATORY" OPTION IF IT WOULD "MAKE US FEEL SICK/ UNSATISFIED/ SHAKEN"? IS THAT SELFISH? IS THAT A SIN PUNISHABLE BY DEATH? There was PIZZA & POT PIE on the menu and we DIDN'T CHOOSE THEM because PIZZA is tied to LOTS of upsetting memories (esp. CNC, & childhood pizza parties/ social panic) And SO IS the POT PIE (binges, poverty), and honestly we DON'T "LIKE" EITHER. DO WE? ARE WE ALLOWED TO "DISLIKE" FOOD? Are we going to pay in blood for this? WHY CAN'T WE GET OVER THIS COMPULSION/ FEAR??? IF I DON'T LIKE salty sausage & kielbasa, IS THAT "EVIL" OF ME if PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT DO LIKE IT??
✳ AND HOW DOES THIS AFFECT MY ACTUALLY LIKING FOODS? THAT gives me the SAME FEELING OF PANICKED FEAR & EXPECTING BRUTAL PUNISHMENT. IS THIS THE "SLAVE MIND" TOO?? "I HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIKE ANYTHING "OF MYSELF"??" "I AM OBLIGATED TO ONLY LIKE WHAT MY "OWNERS" (CONTROLLERS) LIKE"? HOW DO I "ADMIT/ ASSERT" MY "OWN" "LIKES" WITHOUT SIN? WHY IS ENJOYING SOMETHING OF MY OWN EXPERIENCE A SIN? WHY IS PERSONAL PREFERENCE A SIN??? WHY IS ANYTHING RELATING TO "MY" "UNIQUE" EXISTENCE & "AUTONOMY" A DAMNABLE SIN??? Why am I "not allowed" to have any "self-related" action or thought whatsoever?
✳ AND ONCE AGAIN, LO AND BEHOLD, THE SYSTEM CAN DEAL WITH THIS. We have lotophagoi. We choose TOGETHER. We REASON out our decisions FOR OUR COMMON GOOD & the CARE of OUR BODY & MIND, WHILE RESPECTING OTHERS. Yes the fears ↑ are STILL THERE & we NEED to discuss & feel & work through them TOGETHER, and we WILL & WANT TO, but AS we untangle & heal that, WE CAN & DO STILL FUNCTION IN LOVE. That DEFINES us & it's the ONLY THING that will sustain us through this, that & GOD'S GRACE IN THAT LOVE AS HE LOVES & GUIDES US. Please, keep reminding ourself of that. Do NOT drown in the fears & lies. Clear your eyes & mind BY this love & KEEP GOING.

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✳ We had to choose mealplan foods today & it took me almost 2 HOURS because I kept worrying that my choices were somehow "WRONG." I kept feeling like I "HAVE TO" eat bananas for breakfast "BECAUSE" I don't "like" them & THEREFORE I MUST "GO THROUGH CONVERSION THERAPY" basically. It's FORCEFEEDING UNTIL I "ENJOY IT." THAT'S RAPE-ANALOGOUS BEHAVIOR. I'm "NOT ALLOWED" to have apples instead because I "LIKE" them? Or DO I? How do I trust/ accept that? AND am I making the WRONG choice by having an apple INSTEAD of an orange? Which is wiser? I'm terrified that I made a stupid decision & now I CAN'T FIX IT, which translates as "PUNISHMENT FOR SIN" & just corrupts innocent foods in my mangled perception. STOP. Put it in Jesus's Hands. I have apples with breakfast because it's nice to start the day with their clean crunch & they're faster/ cleaner to eat which allows for earlier completion so we can get coffee. And we eat oranges with lunch because they often pair well with the entree (esp. fish). But... we can easily try switching them & see how that works FOR US. We're STILL GETTING NUTRITION. But... I feel so guilty about the bananas. I just "panic" because having them WITH waffles & syrup is just too much sugar bro. BUT IS THAT "LETTING FEAR CONTROL ME"?? I'll have to man up & have one EVERY OTHER DAY from now on, to keep up variety & "get used to them." I really DON'T WANT to see them as "DANGEROUS" because they're NOT. So we'll heal that, thank You God for showing us this. BUT it's the FRUIT FEAR in general, which we MUST face in the higher mealplans WITH LOVE, because FRUIT = EDEN, remember! It's GOOD! So we MUST get to a place where we CAN CHOOSE FREELY from a VARIETY of EQUALLY GOOD/ COMFORTABLE (IDEAL GOAL) OPTIONS, WITHOUT FRAMING IT AS A "MORAL JUDGMENT" OR "SLAVE COMPULSION"!!! We NEED to be JOYFULLY FREE. And that WILL INCLUDE BANANAS, AND JUICE! It WON'T "KILL US" OR "MAKE US DIABETIC." Food is MEDICINE and ESPECIALLY FRUITS & VEGETABLES & WHOLE FOODS. CREATION IS GOOD. FOOD IS GOOD. STOP LABELING FOODS AS "WRONG" OUT OF MORAL PANIC. And STOP RELIVING TRAUMA THROUGH FOOD; THAT'S ABUSING IT AND YOURSELF. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" WHEN THAT'S THE INTENTION!!!

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✳ "Positive affirmations" are SO DIFFICULT because "if they AREN'T "ABSOLUTE" & UNWAVERING, then they're LIES"??? Like the best I can do is say "I TRY to/ WANT to be good" in countless ways. BUT ironically that "minimizes" the times I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN kind/ honest/ merciful/ helpful/ etc.? And the MORE I STRIVE, the EASIER & MORE FREQUENT such REAL GOODNESS BECOMES. And yet ALL IT TAKES is ONE moment of weakness where I act "badly" and it corrupts EVERYTHING. It's "all or nothing" morality and it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN SCRIPTURE SAYS SO!!! THAT DOESN'T "DOOM" US THOUGH BECAUSE OF CHRIST'S MERCIFUL LOVE. YOU GET TO TRY AGAIN. YOU GET TO BE FORGIVEN. YOU GET TO GROW INTO HOLINESS DAILY.
✳ "Affirmations" should DESCRIBE the GRACE-FILLED IDEAL GOAL OF SAINTHOOD, that you ARE CALLED TO & ENABLED TO BY THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO WANTS YOU TO BE THAT SAINT-SELF HE MADE YOU TO BE. So affirmations are ACTUALLY THE OPPOSITE of lies, because affirmations SPEAK THE TRUTH OF GOD'S DESIGN & PLANS FOR ME, & HELP ME TO "TUNE MYSELF" TO THEIR SONG.
✳ WORDS ARE CHRIST'S POWER & GIFT SO DON'T LET THE DEVIL ABUSE THEM (BLASPHEMY)!!! SPEAKING VIRTUE INTO MY LIFE, "ACTUALIZING" THEIR POTENTIAL, IS SPIRITUAL COMBAT!!
✳ "YOUR FAITH HAS SAVED YOU." YOU NEED TO TRUST THE GOOD WORDS & GOOD NEWS!! ALL THOSE NEGATIVE BEATDOWNS ARE UNWORTHY OF TRUST BECAUSE THEY ACTIVELY PREVENT YOU FROM LIVING IN THE TRUTH OF YOUR DEEPEST IDENTITY AS A SAVED CHILD OF GOD. (and WHY are you saved? Because you LOVE GOD & BELIEVE JESUS LIVES & TRUST HIM AS LORD) (btw CHRIST WANTS TO SAVE YOU. He will NEVER turn you away. So KEEP RUNNING BACK TO HIM.)

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✳ IS IT "OKAY" TO EAT "JUNK FOODS" (like poptarts for snack option) OR WILL THAT "CHANGE OUR VIBE/ IDENTITY" TO BE "JUNK"??? We feel like we HAVE to eat EVERY snack option ESPECALLY if it "scares us" = "is unhealthy." BUT we NEVER SEEM TO "GET OVER" THE FEAR, which MEANS there's a DEEPER ROOT to ALL of it, and it's the FEAR OF CORRUPTION/ PARASITIC REPLACEMENT VIA INGESTION. Basically "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT." THAT IS THE CORE FEAR when you get all the way down, and it is EXPLICITLY TIED TO SEXABUSE/ "OWNERSHIP" = "I MUST EAT ONLY & WHATEVER THEY EAT, SO THAT I WILL LOSE MY SELF AND BECOME THEM." BECAUSE "THEY OWN ME" & I CANNOT BE "IN OPPOSITION TO" THEIR "AUTHORITATIVE WILL." A SLAVE MUST CONFORM. THIS IS WHY I "HUNT FOR FOOD" WHEN I GO INTO HOUSES-- I'VE BEEN PLACED UNDER "NEW AUTHORITY" & I "MUST REPLACE MY SELF WITH THEIRS" BY EATING WHAT THEY EAT-- and "you ARE what you eat"-- so I'M PREEMPTIVELY CONFORMING MY SENSE OF SELF TO THEIRS, even symbolically. BUT EATING ALSO ECHOES SEX, and the very act of eating makes me ALREADY feel VULNERABLE/ INVADED/ TAKEN OVER BY FORCE? It's a means of "making me ready to be used"/ "to BE eaten." It's hard to put into words. BUT if I'm "WILLINGLY" EATING YOUR FOOD, I'M "SAYING" THAT I'M "READY TO BE USED/ TAKEN OVER/ OWNED BY YOU." I'm DELETING MYSELF & REPLACING IT WITH YOURS VIA FOOD. And my manic babbling "to entertain" the whole time is a direct result of that. I'm SCARED and I have to DROWN OUT MY SELF with NOISE/ DISTRACTION SO I DON'T FIGHT BACK/ RESIST. The food is COMPULSIVE/ ABUSIVE/ DEPERSONALIZING & SO IS THE TALKING. It's a LIVING HELL and it NEEDS TO STOP OR WE WILL DIE, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY!!!

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✳ It is VERY DIFFICULT for me to do ANYTHING for "self-care" WITHOUT STILL TRYING TO DIRECT IT OUTWARDS TO CARE FOR OTHERS!! Like I view EVEN PERSONAL HYGIENE ultimately as something I MUST DO FOR OTHER PEOPLE. It's like all other motivations are null. If they're not serving somebody else, they're invalid. I apparently see myself as... well. As INHERENTLY PLURAL. Go figure. EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO THAT. When I DENY/ IGNORE/ SUPPRESS the System, MY WHOLE LIFE FALLS TO PIECES. And, yes, THEY KEEP ME RELIGIOUS, TOO. I'm MORE FAITHFUL WITH THEM then ALONE (NO COMMUNION).

Hack nightmare last night. Then I fell half-asleep and who was there protecting & guiding me to safety but LAURIE. Except her name registered clearly as LAUREL, and her color was PURPLE. But she was AS SHE WAS MEANT TO BE-- a Knight, a guardian angel, a Protector in truth, NOT a chummy conversation partner. She kept a separation between us without separating us. She didn't blunt her edges or parrot vapid platitudes. She didn't try to sugarcoat or mollycoddle or make things palatable, because she DIDN'T NEED TO. The strength of her presence, the fierce unspoken LOVE in her very existence, was profound comfort. SHE was all I needed-- no placating, no chatter, just her, as I RECOGNIZE her. It meant the universe to me.

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Breakfast today made us realize that a LOT of our mealtime dissociation IS SHEER SENSORY OVERWHELM. Honestly I loathe the television, but it serves as "distracting noise" for the anxious group. The same goes for conversation. And I see & respect how that works for them. BUT, I have different "needs". I "need" QUIET FOCUSED SLOW SOLITUDE, to eat MINDFULLY & PROCESS THE DATA. I cannot do that very well here, but I AM trying my best. I must be PATIENT & UNDERSTANDING & GENTLE (CLOAK) towards everyone. They are NOT "AGAINST" MY HEALING just because the majority needs are different. I need to discuss this with my treatment team perhaps. I need to properly discern WHICH "needs" CAN be either sacrificed for the common good or somehow compromised/ altered for the sake of submissive obedience, WITHOUT SUCH A DECISION CONTRIBUTING TO DISORDERED HABITS & HARMFUL STATES OF MIND? How much "agency" do I truly have here? Am I overestimating, assuming I CAN "just reprogram myself" or "suppress my alleged needs" on a dime? Or am I underestimating, and I REALLY DO NEED ACCOMMODATION if ONLY to PREVENT the further HABITUATION/ RE-EMPHASIZING of behaviors that, although seemingly neutral to others, are LEAVING MENTAL BRUISES that are SETTING BAD "FOUNDATIONS" for FURTHER HARM that I WOULD NOT HAVE SUFFERED OUTSIDE OF THIS ENVIRONMENT? THAT'S why I'm scared. I hate the TV. I fear the overwhelm. I'm literally getting sick from all the processed packaged food. I DON'T WANT MY BODY REBUILDING ITSELF FROM GARBAGE & CHEMICALS. I want to GET OUT OF HERE & FEED IT MYSELF & I DON'T WANT TO HURT IT. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT. God what do I do? I can't start refusing meals. I'm determined to eat 100%, if only for obedience. Can God redeem these efforts? IF NOTHING from outside can make me "unclean," can God ALSO prevent those outside things from making my body a trash heap?
✳ "You are what you eat" BUT I'M NOT BEING GIVEN A CHOICE. MY BODY'S "IDENTITY" IS LITERALLY BEING DECIDED BY OTHERS & FORCED UPON ME. IT'S SEX ABUSE. IT'S A LIVING NIGHTMARE. Why ELSE do you think we started purging?? WE CAN'T SAY "NO". WE MUST "BE A GOOD GIRL" & TAKE IT. We MUST OBEY. But WHY??? WHAT IS THE ACTUAL GOAL HERE?? Obedience for its own sake? Denial of self in order to be an extension of others? or their toy/ science project? In the end, what will this make ME? Can I LIVE with that? Does it even matter? IF "we're not meant for this world" BUT "our BONES will be resurrected," where does one draw the line? How much should I care? And about what things? Does Mark 16:18 apply here? If EVERYTHING is really just a different form-combination of the BASIC MINERALS & CHEMICALS that GOD created, then CAN GOD "TRANSFORM" the "poison" of "bad food" INTO its GOOD BASIC STRUCTURAL ELEMENTS? I NEED to have FAITH in that. EVERY CREATED THING IS GOOD AT HEART, AS GOD'S CREATION. They may become broken & distorted, yes, BUT CHRIST CAN & DOES REDEEM EVERYTHING... ESPECIALLY FOOD (EUCHARIST)!!

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Laurie pointed out that CONDIMENT FORCING is contributing to meal dissociation/ rushing, so CUT BACK & instead ENJOY THE REALITY of the food AS-IS. The other half IS social-noise-attention anxiety, but we're working on detaching & just eating, NOT trying to "perform."

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Laurie pointed out that I'm compulsively "bingeing" on condiments. I'm FORCING myself to eat them and I REALLY DON'T WANT TO. I'm desperately seeking to accomplish SOMETHING by doing this, but WHAT? What data am I trying to get? Am I? I thought about it with Laurie when she pointed out how I IMMEDIATELY regretted asking for the packets. I realized then that this is most likely APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR. I'm forcing mayo "in restitution" somehow for UPMC mistakes & home misuse. I'm forcing ranch because of both TBAS & grandma. I'm forcing hot sauce as some sort of "identity" tangle, like I'm not allowed to object to it or I'll "change my personality." I don't know why-- no, I do. I'm forcing ketchup because of grandpa & dad & childhood memories. WHAT AM I TRYING TO PROVE OR ACCOMPLISH HERE? What do I think EATING these things will DO, to ME? Are they SYMBOLS?
1) "I need to push fats/ calories" = UPMC talk, STILL. The "need" is DIRECT APPEASEMENT. "Will you be happy with me if I try to make myself gain weight faster?" "Am I being good by showing you that I'm "willing" to make myself fat faster?" Is that a real motive? "I know that adding fat & calories contributes to weight gain. If I "FREELY" CHOOSE to add MORE than I was given, I'm showing them that I'm willing to go "above & beyond" what is expected? to PUSH myself HARDER, even to the LIMIT? They WANT me to eat more & gain weight, so if I force the process along faster, to GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT, I'll be "good"?? Is that what I'm so desperate for? They don't "love me" for it. They MIGHT "like me" SOLELY because I pleased them by conforming myself to their mandated expectations, & surpassing them, but it'd be a "like" based on UTILITY, or even just egotism? "We like you because you don't resist us. You always do exactly what we desire, & even take the initiative to further please us. You'll do." Until I hit goal weight & I'm no longer needed or interesting or wanted & I get tossed out with the trash, with all the other toys that aren't fun anymore, with all the other useless excess. Then what? NOW who sees me as good? Who do I please by my servile obeisance & self-denial now? What in the world am I trying to do? It's because this E.D. recovery, AND the disorder itself, make me feel like my MORAL WORTH AND STANDING are DEFINED BY MY BODY SIZE & SHAPE. Everyone WANTS me to be FAT, like ALL the sexually horrifying women that have traumatized me over the years. But WHY? Do THEY want to sexualize ME? to "fatten me up" to be KILLED & DEVOURED? What does forcefeeding me do for them? If MY CHOICES to eat made them FURIOUS, then WHY is THEIR forcing me to eat TONS MORE, but by THEIR CHOICE & CONTROL, not only "allowed" but PRAISED & even ORDERED? My OBEDIENCE is ALWAYS in SUBMITTING to CONTROL that INVOLVES CONTROL OF MY BODY. THEY get to manipulate it as THEY wish, and I as a PERSON DON'T GET TO EXIST. I can't say no. I "NEED" to eat all these condiments that I don't like but OTHER people do because I HAVE to like EVERYTHING and I'M ONLY A GOOD GIRL if I do so AND GET FAT, because... why? Is being not-fat offensive? Mind you I DON'T WANT TO BE "THIN." Even being "skinny" is deeply shameful. I want to be STRONG. NOT FAT. The difference is EFFORT & DISCIPLINE vs. SLOTH & INDULGENCE. But... they keep telling me to "gain weight" & "fill out" and I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A SEXUAL "WOMAN." Do I have ANY other options? And then WHY do I see fat/ chunky/ fullbodied/ "shortstack" women as BEAUTIFUL? I just can't BE ONE, or I "CAN'T LOVE THEM," somehow. I'll lose myself. That's NOT ME. I need to be... what? NOT skinny & frail. No, I want to LOVE & PROTECT PEOPLE. I NEED to be BIG in order to be STRONG. But THIS behavior is SKEWED. It's NOT protein or vitamins. It's FAT, & it's "NONFOOD" EXCESS. It's just an attempt to affect NUMBERS & APPROVAL, NOT HEALTH!

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Higher meal plans have 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY. That's SCARY amounts of sugar! And honestly, that's WHY I QUIT IOP LAST YEAR. This is a BIG OBSTACLE if I am REQUIRED to follow the meal plan, both psychologically AND financially. So we MUST face this NOW, and find the ROOT FEARS so we can deal with it MATURELY & RESPONSIBLY instead of being blindsided by kneejerk panic. We NEED to UNDERSTAND our fears about FRUIT & SUGAR, NOTABLY because we've realized that MOST FRUITS REGISTER AS FEAR FOODS, NOT mere challenges or aversions!
✳ There's a LOT as to WHY. SUGAR is one. MESSINESS (JUICE) is another. SEX ASSOCIATIONS are also significant. But WHY is SUGAR "EVIL/ DANGEROUS"?? IS IT BECAUSE OF THE SEX ABUSE/ TRAUMA? DID THIS BEGIN WITH CHOCOLATE??

✳ An AVERAGE of 2 FRUITS per meal is UNREALISTIC WITH VOLUME to my current understanding. The only way to "consolidate" is through JUICE (no fiber, glucose spike) or DRIED FRUIT (no water, glucose spike). SO we have to PREVENT GI SPIKES by BOOSTING FIBER in the rest of the meal, as well as fats?? If we are allowed to. This is much easier at breakfast; dinner will be tricky UNLESS we do something COMPLIMENTARY? Like a compote or "sauce" side?? It's too complicated & unnecessary though. I want & arguably NEED to have a SIMPLE, PLAIN, STRAIGHTFORWARD diet.
✳ We NEED to LIMIT our OPTIONS for the sake of PRUDENCE, SIMPLICITY, & AFFORDABILITY. Find what is NUTRITIOUS that DOESN'T cause "illness" (like IBS flares & toothaches), AND that we GENUINELY LIKE-- because LEARNING TO HAVE PREFERENCES & ALLOW MYSELF TO LIKE THINGS AND HAVE THEM WITHOUT PUNISHMENT is a KEY PART OF RECOVERY-- and STICK TO IT BRO!!
✳ So, AS OF TODAY, what DO we like? What do we have RIGHT NOW to work with? What are our BIGGEST OBSTACLES, the FEARS that are LIMITING OUR TRUE FREEDOM-- freedom TO CHOOSE WHAT IS GOOD? (Freedom is FOR GOD, freedom TO GLORIFY & OBEY our treatment plan & NOT FEAR CREATION)
✳ We legit REALLY like DRIED CHERRIES, FRESH FIGS, BLACK & RED GRAPES, and that's all I can think of, which is upsetting. There is SO MUCH FEAR TOWARDS FRUIT, and it's tied to DEATH & POISON for the most part. It ROTS SO FAST and I am SO USED to ALL the fruit at the old homestead being ROTTEN & MUSHY & MOLDED & LEAKING & WORM INFESTED & SMELLING LIKE DECAY. And DRIED fruit would be STALE & RANCID & FULL OF DIRT & HAIR & BUGS. This is WHY I get kneejerk "poison" aversion to MELONS, RAISINS, PEACHES, BANANAS, etc. Pomegranates, coconut, cranberries, etc. are similar, as are ALL clamshell berries. I am NOT used to ACTUALLY FRESH FRUIT. My childhood default was ROTTING, either through being left out on the table or forgotten in the refrigerator or on the porch. But that's the root of the poison fear. And it's sad, because it is BASED ON A LIE-- FRUIT IS NATURALLY FRESH & GOOD & HEALTHY & PURE. It's the FOOD OF EDEN!!! I SHOULD BE EATING FRUITS! That would SERIOUSLY be a PRIESTLY act on my part-- RESTORING the TRUE DIGNITY that GOD INTENDED to fruits, as I HEAL my experience of them by experiencing them AS GOOD, & offering that PRAISE TO GOD with HEAVEN in mind-- the "RETURN to the TRUE GARDEN" where CHRIST is the FRUIT OF LIFE!! So THERE'S your motivation & holy battle plan. HEAL = LOVE.
✳ Remember we STILL DO HAVE TO PLAN FOR THE MEALPLAN! And that MUST BE SUSTAINABLE. THAT fruit choice group HAS to be REALISTICALLY AFFORDABLE, LOCALLY ACCESSIBLE, COMPLIMENTARY TO OUR OTHER FOODS, & REASONABLY ENJOYABLE. ALL the fruits that DON'T fit those criteria (like papaya, dragonfruit, melon, etc.) MUST STILL BE HEALED, EVEN IF THEY DON'T BECOME A REGULAR PART OF OUR DIET, because ANY inclusion OR "exclusion" from the grocery list MUST COME FROM A PLACE OF FREEDOM & GRATEFUL APPRECIATION, NOT AVERSION OR FEAR! And NO FORCING, EITHER-- that's DISRESPECTFUL & CRUEL! "Not eating" a fruit for legit reasons ISN'T A SIN. Remember that "fasting" IS HOLY. It's STILL AN OFFERING OF GOODNESS TO GOD IN GRATITUDE, BY NOT EATING IT! EVEN THAT CAN BE DONE FOR HIS GLORY. So don't worry. Do what you NEED to do for your body's health & recovery, & do it in FREEDOM, LOVE, & PEACE.

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✳ MAPLE is "TREE BLOOD" and IT'S RESONATING. There's a girl forming to hold it! Her hue is hovering CERISE? NOT Orange? And Brown seems obvious but doesn't match the flavor? It's too unclear yet. BUT I WONDER if DUOTONE NOUSFONI ARE POSSIBLE in this "new era." We'll see!
✳ She WEARS cerise & vermilion accents? But her BASE reso IS BROWN? There's only one way to know for sure-- EAT SYRUP AGAIN & FEEL FOR HER IN RESONANCE WITH IT. The two HAVE TO MATCH. Remember that for ALL Lotophagoi = they NEED THE FOOD DATA IN ORDER TO ANCHOR TO IT AS A FUNCTION!

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We keep getting chocolate chip cookies for snack and the data keeps blurring out completely. Laurie said, if you're AFRAID of the chocolate again & labeling it as BAD, then you HAVE to face it & HEAL it with LOVE & GRATITUDE. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!

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I left my books under the soap dispenser & Paula accidentally got soap all over my softcover book, permanently altering it & smudging the words inside. I saw it as "ruined" because it's no longer mint condition & never can be again. I actually felt anger towards her, but it was really anger at myself for leaving it there where it WAS at risk. Then she started frantically apologizing & I didn't know how to explain the situation and everything just felt ugly & wrong & ruined.
↑ I AM GRATEFUL that now that book carries EVIDENCE of my life ACTUALLY going off the rails, & since it's SOAP it almost SYMBOLIZES a "washing" me clean of that past-- especially my HANDS, with the neurotic guilt & shame. Secretly I'm so curious to see WHAT words the soap altered; I trust the Holy Spirit WILL speak through it. I'm ALSO grateful that I HAD such an unhealthy reaction because now I HAVE to FACE/ ADMIT/ CONFESS that I STILL REACT THAT WAY, and if I don't deny OR justify it, I CAN combat the vice there & LEARN VIRTUE to DIRECTLY replace/ heal it. (I immediately reached out to her in sincere apology & gentle reassurance. All is well again.)

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Paula won't stop apologizing & it's making me SO BLOODY ANGRY. TBAS did this same exact simpering thing, & that's what it feels like-- cowardly, spineless, jellylegged, piddling, whiny baby asininity. That's BRUTAL judgment and I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS but I do. I can't deny it. I need to deal with it.
WHY does it make me so unreasonably enraged? It feels like forced victimization; it's overly dramatic & it it GUTLESS. It's almost begging for babying.
↑ WE JUDGE OURSELF THIS WAY & IT'S BLEEDING OUTWARDS. We MUST untangle this & PRACTICE COMPASSION or else it will POISON US, making us TOXIC. (I'm sure we already are, with this terrible reaction happening in us so immediately. That makes this a PRIORITY TO HEAL.)

All right, let’s try to type about this somehow.


Right around Pascha of this year, according to our food diary, specifically the first week of April, our diet changed. We cut out eggs because we tested positive on three different occasions for an allergy, and needed to find a new protein source. We tried cheese, but it triggered migraines and vomiting. Then for some reason we also started eating lettuce, cauliflower, cucumbers, and raisins? I’m assuming we were told to try FODMAP again. Regardless, the food diary is marked with symptoms of intense nausea and confusion and body twitches and vomiting. We ended up in the emergency room on the 6^th. We had to reintroduce eggs for a time but the photos indicate this was the “bean pasta week” which was hell. We could not stop throwing up. Sweet potatoes did the same. We cut both out quickly and went back to the normal pre-April diet, but now the diary is peppered with purgation records. Our calories hovered between 800 and 1100 tops. Then around April 26^th, green beans appear in the record, with the return of cucumbers, and now zucchini as well. I know this was also doctor’s orders. It went well for two days, and then the purging started again-- notably, because I remember getting unbelievably nauseous on a regular basis from the food. By May we had cut out broccoli completely and were now eating just those three other green vegetables, with some attempts at bok choy. It looks like we brought the broccoli back in mid-May and the purging stopped for a while.
May 23^rd was the gastric emptying study with the eggs and toast. After that our diet went completely back to normal again, no more zucchini cucumber hell. It also looks like this is when we definitively quit the Three Wishes cereal, and realized that’s what had been causing our intense abdominal bloating and constipation.
June began and on the 3^rd suddenly BOTH oat bran and hemp hearts reappear in the diet, and eggs disappear for good by the 9th. June 8^th was the MU women’s retreat day. There’s still some on and off purging, almost always after dinner-- we were eating three bags of broccoli for carbs and the sheer volume would set it off. We also started weighing our food by this time. Our daily calories increase to 1100 by July.
July 28^th is the colonoscopy prep period with the rice and green beans and babyfood turkey. This was a very difficult week psychologically and it set the stage for later compulsive binges.
I need to check the calendar to see how many we had over this time period, because sometimes we forget to list them in the food diary. All I know for sure is that there was a terrific spike in August, as I know that over half the days were binge-purge days, even if we just binged on broccoli.

So we’re struggling now. The cycle has gotten a grip around our throat and it is so difficult to stop. Even though our daily calories have gone up from ~900 in April to about 1400 in September-- a HUGE increase-- thanks to eating such a deficit for months, our weight is hovering around 90lbs and we still admittedly want it to drop lower. On good mornings, when we step on the scale, it’s 88lbs.
But the point is this. We want to stop bingeing and purging. We know it’s a sin. We also know it’s an addiction. We want to stop, but God help us we don’t want to stop either. We’re so bloody hungry. It’s nowhere near what it was like in North Carolina, or even up at the old house with grandma, that is true-- we were out of control back then, ravenous and destructive, insatiable and desperate. We didn’t know God back then. That’s what changed.
Now, we’re still starving, but…

It hit me today that we’re constantly angry. We’re miserable and exhausted and terrified. The OCD compulsions we used to have around the time the Julie days began, notably spitting and handwashing due to “contamination fear,” have returned for the first time in over a decade at the least. They’re debilitating. What triggered this? The feelings of shame and guilt and filth and evil are unbearable. It all feels tied to eating. Is it because our conscience is working again now? Is it because we know we’re sinning at least twice a week now, bingeing and purging, starving and stuffing this poor wrecked body, and although God knows we want to quit He also must know we’re so bloody hungry? What do we do?

We have a new nutritionist now, a male, a couple years younger than us. He’s actually accepting of our limitations and is willing to work with them-- when we told him dairy inevitably makes us uncontrollably vomit, he actually said “okay, then we won’t eat dairy,” which shocked us as we’re so used to being told to just eat it regardless and take a Zofran or something, which doesn’t help. The only trouble is this: he’s still giving us dietary recommendations, in order to increase our weight and fix our nutrient macros, and this triggers Iscah’s kneejerk “must be a good girl” food compulsions which means we KEEP forcing ourselves to “try eating normal people foods” even if they hurt, even if they make us sick, in order to be “good” and obedient and self-effacing. It’s just perpetuating the binge-purge hell loops. It feels like there is no end, no way out, until we CAN “do it.” So the forcing keeps happening until “one day we won’t get sick anymore.” But what if that never happens? We forced those bloody eggs for months, knowing we tested positive for an allergy but not taking it seriously until it was double confirmed, in the meantime just taking Benadryl twice a day and “getting used to” the hives and burning eyes and dizziness and runny noses. But the point is it wasn’t going away. No matter how much we forced, it couldn’t change the actual consequences. Same with the green beans, and the cheese, and the bean pasta. No matter how many attempts we made, we kept puking, because the nausea and stomach distress was so bad. We tried so hard, we really did. At what point is it “right” to “accept” the “fact” that maybe we “can’t” eat those foods? Right now we’re “not allowed to” even suggest such a thought. It’s “wrong.” It’s “evil” and “bad” and “disobedient.” You were told to eat that food, so you eat it, no matter how you feel, and one day you won’t feel anything anymore. Isn’t that “how it works”?
I’m typing all this out and it is just… exactly parallel to sexual abuse. No one is surprised.
It must be translating as this. We have no working memory of the abuse so our psyche must be funneling it into the food, because they’re practically the same thing in the end.

We’re not getting very far with most of our therapists with this. We’re seeing four of them right now, plus a psychiatrist and a case manager. Of them all, only one therapist is making real progress and thank God for her-- literally, I think the only reason why we’re getting somewhere there is because she is Christian and makes that an ACTIVE and PROMINENT part of our treatment, which is AMAZING and makes the whole process make so much more sense. But she and we are focusing on childhood trauma, which is hugely significant and deeply disturbing to be honest… you don’t realize how many bad seeds were planted back then, until you start tracing the rotten roots.
But… when will we ever get to discuss and heal from adult trauma? Will we have to one day actually, finally, honestly discuss the Julie Days with a therapist? How?

Right now, we’re haunted by food. That’s blinding us to everything else. The sense of shame and sin is devastating. We cannot escape it. It’s every waking moment. We’re haunted and hungry and horrified and hateful, which is an awful way to live, but honestly “we” despise “ourself” so much right now for this eating disorder, we wish we could just turn it off.
But we’re so hungry.
THAT’S the bizarre obstacle here. Something-- someone for sure-- in our psyche is resisting healing, in a sense refusing to “give up” bingeing because she’s so scared that if she does, she will starve to death. WHY. We’re getting 1400 calories a day now! We’re eating food, even if we don’t want to; we’re being obedient and accountable to the authorities that told us to eat! We’re a “good girl” in that sense, aren’t we? So why are we so miserable? Why do we still feel like no matter what we’re eating, we’re never satisfied? We’re always hollow and empty and want to cry. Even with binges, we hate them-- the only thing “enjoyable” about them is the ridiculously ritualistic and systematic and methodical hours that they involve, all the cooking and sorting and picking and ordering and cleaning. What is this doing for our mind that we “need”? What need is this trying to meet, however disastrously and misguidedly?

Another obstacle to healing is a recent and massive spike in daily anxiety and panic attacks. We weren’t like this back in July, I don’t think. Were we? I don’t know.
Back when Anxiety herself first appeared in June, at long last, I remember we were already promising ourself to “never binge again” after certain dates. We genuinely tried so hard to just cold-turkey quit, over and over and over. But all the travel, all the doctors, the consistent lack of sleep, the recurring financial crises, it just… some nights we would just be so exhausted and hungry and overstressed that we would just give up and give in. 7pm breakfast means you don’t even try to keep it down, so you might as well eat ten bags of broccoli so your body is tricked into thinking it ate something worthwhile. You get the idea.

It’s been so hard to “obey” the “rules” about food too. Someone started arbitrarily breaking them and now we can’t seem to stop again. They got a taste of the forbidden fruit and promptly became addicted, even it it tasted disgusting, even if they didn’t actually want it-- but they “HAD to want it”; they “HAD to try it again” for whatever reason.
I don’t understand it. What are they trying to prove? What answers are they trying to get? What end goal are they pursuing here? What is their actual motivation? Why can’t they just quit eating the foods we aren’t allowed to eat? Why are they so scared to let go again? What is the fear underlying all of this?

There’s so much music we can’t listen to anymore because music is always, always powerfully tied to “life eras”, however brief. We get flashbacks to them immediately and it can be terrifying. So much of this year’s music is tied to small periods of eating disorder wars, certain “food cycles” even if they only lasted for a few days, and even specific days that were psychologically harrowing enough to latch onto whatever music we had heard that day.
We haven’t listened to any new music in weeks, really. I think it’s a desperate coping mechanism. We’re trying so hard to escape from this hell; it’s better if there isn’t any future soundtrack tied to it. That way it won’t be remembered.

Right now, after weeks of grueling battles, the addiction has been pared down to the weirdly specific combination of beans+rice+oats+carrots, and chocolate chip granola bars. It’s so weird. But that’s it. Everything else is lingering around the edges, but the more rules we put up around them, and/or the more fear is tied to them, the easier it is to resist them.
Still. Chocolate is the oldest forbidden food. It’s a “sex food,” an abuse food, with real trauma tied to it. Granola is a “sworn off” food for penitential reasons. So why are “chocolate granola bars” allowed right now? ARE they? Or is someone just spitting hairs, like they do with everything else that’s edible?
In any case, I pray this ends soon. Chocolate is still so frightening it’s making me shake just thinking about it now. Maybe it’s the fact that granola bars have such tiny bits of chocolate in them that it “doesn’t register” as chocolate. But WHY are we “wanting” to eat them anyway? Granola bars themselves are a MASSIVE trauma food! You remember the bathroom events! What the heck are we trying to prove here? How did this even start? I hope it ends soon. It inevitably will, we just need the data and the consequences solid. Once its emptiness is tangible, it’ll stop.

Why are we so “hungry.”
If we just quit this all at once, if we stopped eating oats and beans and rice, why do “we” “fear” that it would “make us miserable”? That’s a blatant untruth. We’re MUCH happier when we’re NOT bingeing and purging. But… there is a fear of some sort of “loss.” So what is being mistranslated? What are we actually afraid of losing?
Additionally, why do we feel like we “HAVE to binge” on stress days? Why can’t we just fast? We WANT to, God knows-- so why won’t we? What is this fear that keeps coming up, this fear of not eating, even though we still really and consciously “hate” eating on any given day?

That’s the root of it, I think. If I had to point my finger at something that really felt like a siren going off, that would be it. We HATE eating. There is actual HATRED towards food. And yet, simultaneously, we are so hungry. We “want” to eat our carrots and hempseed and broccoli. But it’s unfulfilling and empty and frustrating and leaves us anxious and angry and wanting to cry and throw up.
What do we actually “want”? If we hate food, and we hate eating, then what are we actually looking for in our compulsive frightened “I have to eat” panic-- especially since we still want to starve?
The ambivalence is driving us insane. We have no clear answers yet.
Don’t forget all of this is still somehow tied to abuse and violation. We’re going to have to face that knot at
some point. Until we start to untangle that, we probably won’t get anywhere on the surface.

All the ICC lectures lately have been indispensable. They are literally rewiring our brain and our heart. Make sure you remember and study and pray about and reflect upon everything they’ve taught us.
But… don’t get crushed under the weight of guilt they deliver, either. Guilt is a sign that your conscience is working. Don’t shut it off. But don’t despair, either. God is walking you through these steps. You NEED to know WHERE and HOW you’re going wrong before you can fix it, and we COULDN’T know this spiritual side of it on our own, only through this revelation. So treasure it, take it seriously, and act on it with God’s grace. But… realistically we can’t expect to “fix this” overnight, or in one shot. We’re most likely going to struggle still. This is spiritual warfare after all. But do not despair. Don’t give up. Don’t try to pretend this is easy, or that we truly understand, or anything else the thriskefoni like to do. We have to be sober and realistic about this. No sugarcoating, no whitewashing. This is indeed hell we’re stuck in. But Christ keeps reaching down to us and dragging us out every time we fall back into this bloody open grave. Don’t give up. Keep reaching up to Him.
He doesn’t hate you because sometimes you think this grave is your doom. Sometimes we think this is all there is and we don’t fight very well at all. Sometimes we get comfortable and we settle in a little. But Christ never hates you. He never gives up on you. Don’t give up on Him. He’s not trying to crush you with this knowledge, He’s giving you sharp graces that will strengthen you to fight better. Trust Him. You’ve been praying for this.
What I’m trying to say is… we’ve been convicted so powerfully it feels like we’ve been stabbed in the chest. We’re afraid we’re going to die, forever, if we cannot or do not put that knowledge into practice immediately and perfectly. Is that pride? The fear is intense. I don’t want to choose hell. I’m so afraid of damnation because I’m too damn weak to give up eating rice and beans on Tuesday nights. Isn’t that asinine? What the heck is actually going on here?
Christ, please, don’t let me go to hell because I’m currently not strong enough to really, definitively say “no” to these hungry compulsions.

It’s terrifying, to KNOW that I’ve “already decided” to binge on Tuesday night. I don’t want to, but I “want to.” There’s a “have to” in there somewhere, concerning the “practice eating” to “get used to” certain foods and meals that we “have to” eat. Et cetera. Vomiting is inevitable at some point, so might as well force it now and get it over with-- it’s better to control its occasion than to be blindsided by it. Isn’t that sad?
There’s so much fear. It’s enough to make you want to give up on living. It feels like there’s no escape.
But that’s not God’s Spirit. Where is our fortitude? Or rather, what battle do we ACTUALLY need to fight here? What would fortitude look like in practice here? What would REAL justice be in this situation? What is ACTUALLY wise? How can we be prudent in TRUTH?

God I’m exhausted, please forgive me, I want to sleep. Tomorrow is church. I’m so tired. I do want to worship. Help us to do that, no matter what. Don’t ever lose us.
The Eucharist is the key to everything, somehow. Please don’t send us to hell. Help us understand, truly. Help us to not be afraid. Heal us somehow. Help us to let You heal us. Please, don’t give up on us. Get us to heaven one day, no matter what. But please, please don’t kill us in the meantime. Don’t let us end up dead because of our stupidity. Please help us. Open our eyes. Give us the grace to WANT to act healthily. Please. Restore our capacity for joy. I don’t know what I’m trying to ask but You do. Deep down somewhere we feel so dead that it’s hard to even want to be healthy, even though we do, because being healthy means having no broken coping mechanisms which means facing whatever they’re trying to numb and I don’t think we can handle facing that gravestone reality. Heal THAT, Lord, please. There are so many layers here. Still, You can fix it all. I know You can. Please do so, moment by moment, in Your good time, in Your real love. Don’t let us die in our weakness and sins. Please heal us for good, for real, gently but permanently. Please don’t hurt us. Please help us. Help us to love You more completely, and help us to not be afraid of Your love. Amen.

I’ve got to sleep. Thank You God for helping us to have at least typed something tonight. We’ll do more tomorrow hopefully. Until then, please bless and forgive and protect and heal us. May we be transformed day by day into Your likeness. May we be remade new in Your image, and may we never sin again. Amen. Good night.

 

061024

Homily synchronicity = Mike & Vito

TERRIFIED of being TOUCHED
"There’s more than one kind of touch" = Jesus reassuring, heavy and hard contact

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061124
Mom pickup drive
Weeping over headspace music
"I want it back"
"is God like this?"


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061224
Christ's wounds are PART OF the GLORY of HEAVEN!!
THERE ARE HOLY SCARS IN HEAVEN, THEY ARE NOT ERASED

Pop3 38:45 = "TAMING" & REDEMPTION; RELATIONSHIP CHANGES & ENNOBLES THE SOUL = ADAM'S HOUSEHOLD AS PRIEST = ALL CREATION REDEEMED IN CHRIST = THE SHEPHERD LIFTS UP THE SHEEP
13:00 = HEAVEN & UNIQUE PRAISE

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061824
ANXIETY!!!!!🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
Oh my gosh I AM LEGIT IN LOVE. I have got FEELINGS.

Mom shop, just watched her trying on glasses, oddly sweet to just be there with her

Last bingepurge prep. Don't want to do this.
Realizing BOTH HEADSPACE & PRAYER SHUT OFF in this food mindset. Everything feels gauzed up and dislocated.

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062124

I just realized, all this food forcing is rapist behavior.
I'm trying to force myself into the psychic experience of others without permission or consent. I'm trying to force myself into their spaces, into their likeness, trying to "enter into" their life as my own. That's invasive. That's violent. No wonder this all ends in purging.

Boundaries must be set. Identity must be clarified and guarded in CHRIST, not in culture or ethnicity or nostalgia or grief or social curiosity or the awful loneliness born from rejection. Food is not the cure. Food is not a panacea. Only the Eucharist is.

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062924

In last night nightmares, I TURNED BACK TO HELP THE PERSON I ORIGINALLY ABANDONED
I did this THREE TIMES and it SPECIFICALLY involved my thinking of CHRIST ACTING THROUGH ME, not my own actions, HE would and could save them, NOT ME


⭐WE CAN ONLY BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS, AND MANAGE OUR DAILY LIFE WITH GRACE, IF WE ARE LIVING AS A SYSTEM!!!!!!!
WE CANNOT FUNCTION AS A SINGLET. IT'S A LIE!!!!

Remembering this throughout the day EXPLAINS SO MUCH and actually makes life LIVEABLE.
We CAN and SHOULD be SWITCHING to HELP & PROTECT & HEAL EACH OTHER, as MEMBERS OF ONE WHOLE!!!!