prismaticbleed: (flashback)
2025-01-24 10:00 pm

eating disorder thoughts

why we keep relapsing into self-abusive addictive patterns of bulimia=

"what does the eating disorder DO for us?" what "needs" does it meet, even if only temporarily/ in a backwards way?
✱ it gives us SENSORY OVERWHELM to combat the SENSORY DEPRIVATION of our day
✱ it causes PAIN/ FEAR/ SICKNESS/ STRESS/ PANIC which are "normal emotions" for our traumabrain
✱ it "keeps us busy" for hours instead of staring at a wall
✱ it makes us STAND and MOVE for hours instead of sitting down (we eat STANDING, not sitting)
✱ the "purge" response is analogous to "screaming"
✱ the mindless repetitive motions allow our brain to "garbage dump" all junk data, such as looping words and sounds nonstop for hours, etc.
✱ the bite/ chew and chop/ tear actions are often an "outlet" for outright destructive/ violent impulses
✱ the body is objectively starving otherwise (<50g carbs, <1030K daily) and binges are a way to "placate" it temporarily
✱ the "trying new foods" is often the only "new input" we get in an otherwise motonous-loop day
✱ the "memory reliving" we get from foods is often the only way we CAN access certain memories
✱ food can be used as an explicit trauma trigger and can easily, severely force flashbacks
✱ binging is, blatantly, a form of sexual trauma and it is used as such
✱ the terror of a bulimic episode triggers hysterical prayer which "makes us feel closer to god"
✱ the emotional terrors in general are often the "only emotions" we feel during an otherwise numb-griefrage day
✱ during a disordered episode we lose all sense of self-awareness/ identity which is a way of "coping with" trauma via running from self
✱ binges involve extensive, obsessive preparation and organization of foods and containers; this may be an OCD outlet
✱ the "planning" of this in the kitchen is a direct, physical act that feels like making sense out of nonsense and then "destroy" the excess. this feels ritualized and symbolic. it's an act of power in the paradoxical midst of abject helplessness. we are both the victim of abuse (forced eating) and the one that "kills" the abuser (the food), in a bulimic episode.
✱ it's self-abuse, full stop. the entire time we are in abject terror and wanting to stop, in horrible pain and literally fearing death. each bulimic event is literally a traumatic experience and leaves us shellshocked. is our brain considering this our "default" and simply seeking to perpetuate it?
✱ buying food for binges eventually destroys our finances; we feel we "deserve/ have to be poor"? consider family poverty-forcing mindset to this day
✱ is there a social "need" being met via going to stores/ food drives? it's either just "impersonal proximity" or "business interaction" so it's not the disturbing "conversation" kind but it's still living talking human beings in our vicinity, and open spaces, as opposed to the silent isolation/ small spaces of daily life
✱ binge foods are always compulsive-- either memory triggers or "trauma fawning." we eat things "because we ate them in the past and that's who other people want us to become again now" or "we were told to eat this by an authority figure and can't say no to that standing order ever"
✱ ACTUALLY EATING IS DEBILITATING and this is the "only alternative that isn't starving to death." literally whenever we do eat food, we get physically ill and mentally incapacitated for HOURS. there is no variation, even in hospital treatment environments. is our body just wrecked from two decades of abuse? either way, we tend to fast for almost two days then bingepurge that second night. this keeps looping. but, if eating itself is viewed AND experienced as INHERENTLY traumatic, then it makes sense that disordered behavior based on compromise would emerge to cope.
✱ food is also labeled as "evil" due to sexual associations (invasion, infestation, violation, parasitism, inflicted weight, ingestion, poisoning, etc.) and so being able to "get rid of it" after eating it is a direct "play-acting" of "rejecting abuse" that we couldn't escape in the past
✱ there may also be a hidden desire for atonement, even though when we "remember" it's due we shake in dread. it hurts horribly. BUT we "need to bleed." atoning for hijacks makes it mandatory. is that "retribution" ritual briefly meeting a greater need for sexual trauma healing, if only symbolically?
✱ lotophagoi exist. don't forget this. there are REAL SOMAFONI who ONLY COME OUT during these events because they CAUSE AND PERPETUATE THEM. so even if we don't know them well, or at all, they wouldn't exist without a reason. these hidden reasons might be something our collective mind refuses to/ cannot ignore anymore? and these events are almost being "forced" so that we "can finally face up to/ process things"? this would further explain the inextricable association with trauma/ flashbacks/ explicit abuse that bulimic episodes are defined by. there are PEOPLE involved here; it's not just automation.
✱ but we don't want this. we are so frightened of it happening again. but we're used to always having to suffer and endure "what we don't want" and "what frightens us"-- even what puts us in real danger of serious injury and/or death. again, this could be a subconscious "normal"
✱ bulimia is a suicide alternative. it plays the part well. we're scared that one day it will succeed at what it mirrors.



prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2025-01-03 02:24 am

01. 02. 25


(uncensored. we're not sure who wrote it but we're leaving it unedited for their sake.)





I AM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER THE EATING DISORDER SOMAFONI
LISTEN WE LOST TEN FUCKING HOURS TODAY TO THEIR BULLSHIT

and you know what the scariest thing is?

NO ONE CAN ACCESS THE DATA.
IT'S SHEER TRAUMA DATA.
LITERALLY NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO EVEN LOOK AT IT THAT'S HOW HORRIFIC THIS REGISTERS.

Julie even said what they're doing is LITERAL, EXPLICIT ABUSE FORCING.
WHAT THE HELL
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE

we thought they were just... acting on starvation triggers. thanks to tbhu & upmc fallout, the force-feeding trauma there.
but NO
APPARENTLY IT'S WORSE,
THE MAIN DAMN REASON THIS EATING DISORDER KEEPS COMING BACK IS BECAUSE, AS TODAY PROVED QUITE HORRIFICALLY, IT IS A LITERAL TRAUMATIC EVENT.
AND OUR BRAIN KEEPS TRYING TO PERPETUATE TRAUMA.

WHY?????!?!??!?!

WHAT THE HELL GUYS
WHY DOES SOMEONE ALWAYS END UP FORCING US INTO SITUATIONS THAT MAKE THE TRAUMA WORSE
OR FORCE US TO EXPLICITLY RELIVE PAST TRAUMA
WHY CAN'T WE HEAL OR LET GO
WHY DO WE ALWAYS SEEM TO "NEED" MORE BLOOD AND SCREAMING AND PAIN AND NIGHTMARES AND EXISTENTIAL TERROR AND WANTING TO FUCKING DIE

SOMEONE LITERALLY CONSIDERED FORCING HACKS LAST WEEK.
I AM FUCKING SERIOUS

THAT IS INSANITY
and yet, there it was,
literally they were thinking "maybe THIS will stop the eating disorder relapses" but WHY WOULD IT??
BECAUSE IT'S TRAUMATIC. BECAUSE IT'S HORRIFYING AND IT MAKES US WANT TO DIE.
THE BULIMIC HELLS DO THE SAME DAMN THING.
except hacks don't drain our bank account.
BULL SHIT THAT'S NOT A VALID REASON TO SHIFT THE DAMN ABUSE METHOD
we're so damn tired though. it's literally not even about food. it's about abuse
IT'S ABOUT DESTRUCTION TOO. WE'VE NOTICED THIS. THE FOOD AND THE MONEY AND THE BODY. THE E.D. IS ALL ABOUT DESTROYING THINGS. IT'S SO FUCKING VIOLENT IT'S HONESTLY TERRIFYING
do you think it would stop if we.... you know, if we let the retributors or someone go back to just bloodying up the body
GOOD LUCK GETTING KNIFE TO PICK UP HIS NAMESAKE FOR THAT PURPOSE AGAIN. OR RAZOR. THEY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT TIME PERIOD. THEY HAVE TRAUMA TOO I BET.
yeah but there's gotta be someone who is still willing and able to slice us up, who's been doing the atonement lately?
I DON'T KNOW ACTUALLY. CANNON BLOODLINE CORE I THINK.
really? well there you go, give her a blade and let her go to work
YOU REALLY THINK THAT WILL STOP THE BULIMIC SOMAFONI.
esthiofoni
YEAH BUT I'M FOCUSED ON THE DESTRUCTIVE ASPECT ARE WE TAKING THAT INTO ACCOUNT?
you're right it's not even eating half the time. most of the time
ALL OF THE TIME. IT'S EITHER ANNIHILATION OR ABUSE
good point
SO ARE THEY STILL "ESTHIOS" OR DO WE NEED NEW JARGON.
we'll have to ask the kardis, only they can make that call
ANYWAY I'M JUST GONNA CALL THEM ABUSERS. BITCHES. DEVILS. THAT'S WHAT THEY REALLY ARE
are they? if they're foni then there's a real solid chance they might not actually be evil
...THAT'S TRUE.
like why are they forcing THEMSELVES to relive traumatic events via food.
IT'S POISON HALF THE TIME
all of the time. suicidal too
OH I KNOW IT'S TERRIFYING. LITERAL DEATH RISK FROM WHAT THEY'RE MAKING THE BODY EAT. FUCKING TERRIFYING.
that's the whole point. oh shit that's the point
WHAT?
suicide. do you think maybe they just want the body to die
WOULD THAT REQUIRE FORCING IT TO RELIVE RAPE EVENTS.
that would merit suicide, so maybe.
DEAR GOD IT'S ALL JUST TRAUMA PROCESSING AFTER ALL, CENTRAL WAS RIGHT
how the hell is forcing trauma going to help us process it.
ASK THAT QUESTION OF THE SAME DAMN PEOPLE WATCHING SHIT ONLINE LATELY
oh. good point.
FOR SOME REASON THERE IS A TREND OF "US" JUST... NOT BEING ABLE TO STOP EXPOSING OUR EXISTENCE TO HELLS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. MAKING THINGS WORSE. UNABLE TO LET GO AND BE HAPPY.
happiness is labeled as a crime i've heard
WHY
we're slipping
I CAN FEEL IT. I GUESS THIS ISN'T OUR TOPIC TO DISCUSS
note it for someone else

HOW DO WE STOP THIS.
can we? isn't that Central's job?
THAT CANNON-CORE HAS BEEN MAD AT GOD LATELY. BECAUSE OF THIS. WANTING HIM TO STOP IT AND HE WON'T.
apparently there's something we need to learn from it then
SARCASM.
no just bitter. i can empathize with the anger. it's fear and confusion i'm sure. that's the natural response to this.
THE HACKS WERE LIKE THAT TOO I'VE HEARD
oh i bet. "god please make it stop" and it takes what, ten fucking years?
I DON'T KNOW
but shit i guess things worked out somehow. i don't know.
JULIE'S ON OUR SIDE. SO THEY DID.
true
BUT I DON'T SEE ANYTHING REDEMPTIVE ABOUT LETTING THIS EATING DISORDER CONTINUE BECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY MURDERING US.
i know it's bullshit but if it really is tied into this trauma perpetuation thing maybe this is... i dunno maybe that's "why" God hasn't stopped it yet.
WHAT, LIKE IT HAD TO GET THIS BAD AGAIN BEFORE WE'D REALIZE WHAT'S BEHIND IT?
possibly. i mean tbhu apparently taught us a lot? i don't know but there's a whole tablet full of stuff they apparently learned.
LIKE WHAT
dude i have no clue i don't have that data, i don't know who does
THE TABLET DOES
well then once they upload it we all will. but that's off topic, the point is that apparently this STOPPED for eight solid weeks. somehow. and someone else was in charge. but it fell apart at the end.
THE FAMILY MADE IT RELAPSE IMMEDIATELY
shit i forgot about the family
AND THAT DAMNED HOUSE. THAT DAMNED TRAUMA SINKHOLE OF A HOUSE
do you think that's playing into this trauma forcing thing??
SHIT MAYBE. OH HELL THAT MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE
don't we fucking shift every time we're up there? like who the hell even fronts in that environment? with the mother?
I DON'T THINK WE EVEN KNOW
and they're abusive
THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY ABUSIVE, THEY'RE CUT OFF FROM THE REST OF US
but do they have trauma memories? no, obviously not, they're a social. so... are they just there as a buffer? or something?
ACTING ON THE TRAUMA WITHOUT FEELING IT THEMSELVES?
yeah. like... oh shit i just got data?
WHAT?
someone said it's "like a drug high." like the e.d. behavior with the mother is literally to numb the brain with panic? and terror?
THAT'S IRONIC. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT WORK.
because the trauma makes consciousness shut down
OH. SHIT.
like someone did at cnc. and slc. the only "drug" we had apparently. the only abuse method and suicide analogue we had as well.
NO I KNOW FOR A FACT THERE WERE REAL ATTEMPTS IN BOTH THOSE LOCATIONS.
true. but the e.d. was tied to that. like it was killing ourself without killing ourself.
AND THIS WAS ALL BECAUSE OF THE TRAUMA?
just like with the mother. the situations are all way too similar apparently
SO WE STILL WANT TO DIE?
no. someone does, on the somafoni level apparently. physical. acting on body memories i guess
WE'RE SLIPPING REALLY BAD
i know we're even getting information on this that's insane
MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP BEFORE WE LOSE OUR SENSES OF SELF TOO
yeah we don't have much of those to begin with. but at least we wrote stuff down for people, high five
HECK YEAH
at least we're still alive
ALL OF US?
yeah. the e.d. and the trauma haven't killed us yet
THERE IS NO "YET" THERE. THEY DON'T GET THE RIGHT TO KILL US. ANY OF US.
they tried. they succeeded in some cases
BULL SHIT. YOU THINK THE CORES WILL LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THAT?
haha no. you're right. jay fights like hell against hell.
HE DOES. SO DO THE JEWELS AND CANNONS. ALL THE KARDIFONI DO. THAT'S THEIR JOB. LOVE AND LIFE.
they're probably so pissed at these eating disorder people
NO THEY'RE HEARTBROKEN MOSTLY.
really?
YEAH, DUH. NO SOMAFONI WOULD DO THAT UNLESS THEY WERE DEVASTATINGLY BROKEN
so even you swearing up the wall at them, you recognize that?
I CAN ADMIT IT MAKES SENSE. I MEAN YOU DON'T DO THAT SHIT UNLESS YOU'RE SCREWED UP BAD. BUT I'M STILL PISSED AS HELL AT THEM ALL. AND I'D KILL 'EM IF I COULD. BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT'S NOT SMART OR POSSIBLE. UNFORTUNATELY.
yeah murdering foni never ends well. historically. for anyone.
GOOD POINT. IF THERE'S A STUPID DAMN REASON WHY THEY'RE DOING THIS THEN SOMEONE ELSE WOULD TAKE THEIR PLACE.
...do you want to test that
SHIT YES I DO. BUT LIKE I SAID, DON'T KNOW IF IT'S POSSIBLE.
why
I DON'T HAVE A BODY, DO I? AND I'M NOT ON THEIR LEVEL EITHER. PLUS THEY DON'T HAVE INTERNAL FORMS. THEY'RE IN THE BODY. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO KILL A SOMAFONI.
they're doing a pretty damn good job of that themselves
THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT. SADLY. AND ANGRILY, KILLING US IN THE PROCESS.
do they even realize that?
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE, PROBABLY NOT, THEY THINK LIKE SINGLETS
some of them do
THE WORST OF THEM DO.
i've heard that some of them are aware of the System at large though. and talk to Central. like Julie was apparently helping one of them today
YEAH BECAUSE THE TRAUMA TRIGGERED HER OUT WHICH IS FUCKING INSANE.
...still, it shows that there's hope there, i guess.
YEAH YOU'RE RIGHT. IF JULIE HADN'T SHOWED UP AND INSISTED THAT THEY STOP DOING WHAT THEY WERE DOING, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE DONE
no kidding. jeez. that's a scary thought. it could've been worse
YEAH JUST LOOK AT THE OLD DAYS DATA. "TILLY" DAYS. SHE WAS FUCKING NUTS.
she was a thriskefoni, how the hell was she perpetuating the eating disorder?
I DUNNO, MAYBE SHE WASN'T, I'M SURE THERE WERE ESTHIOS IN THE WORKS THERE TOO, BUT TILLY DIDN'T HELP AT ALL
i know nothing about her
I ONLY KNOW WHAT I'M TELLING YOU. BARE BONES DATA. BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
who the hell was responsible for e.d. behavior in cnc btw? does anybody know?
ZUCCH? JASON? THOSE ARE THE NAMES I'M GETTING. TAUREIA? A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
geez i know nothing about that
NEITHER DO I. NO ONE HAS LOOKED AT THE DATA IN YEARS. LITERALLY SINCE IT WAS WRITTEN
maybe we should
DEFINITELY WE SHOULD. IF ANYONE WAS TRYING TO TRAUMATIZE US FURTHER VIA FOOD IT WAS DEFINITELY IN CNC.
yeah no kidding, that's when we were actively suicidal, even i know that
AND YET SOMEHOW NO ONE REALIZED IT OUTSIDE.
that's kind of the point, isn't it?
APPARENTLY, SADLY, YEAH.
self-annihilation but cut off from the rest of the people fronting. that happened today, didn't it?
YEAH WITH THE TOTAL MEMORY LOSS. LIKE I SAID THE CANNON-CORE WAS PISSED. AND SCARED TO DEATH OF COURSE. LITERALLY "CAME TO" AND LOOKED AT THE CLOCK AND WAS LIKE "WHAT THE HELL, IT WAS JUST 3PM, WHERE THE FUCK DID THE PAST 10 HOURS GO"
how the hell are you getting this data
IT'S BEING MADE AVAILABLE TO ME. THERE'S A DATA FEED ON SOME STUFF IF YOU REACH UP FOR IT.
really? nice. the archivists?
NO THE... HELMET GIRL?
huh
NO NAME. I'VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE. SHE'S NOT NEW THOUGH.
well tell her thank you because otherwise i don't think anyone else would be writing this down
THAT'S OUR JOB I GUESS
are we done?
MAYBE I GUESS HOLY SHIT IT'S 3AM
yeah that's probably our curtain call. hey thanks for talking with me about this. glad we can at least help everyone else in whatever way we can.
HEY YOU TOO. SORRY WE'VE BEEN SLIPPING SO BAD
that's to be expected. we're blurry. we're grafifoni to boot, we're bound to blur with datafeeds and all that. gonna take time to figure ourselves out
AT LEAST IN THE MEANTIME WE'RE STILL DOING GOOD WORK
yeah, that means a lot.
IT DOES. THANKS FOR BEING HERE
you too












prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
2024-12-27 04:35 am

addict


watching helluva boss/ hazbin hotel clips over the past week or so

"addict" video today, keep looping 0:33 - 1:12
that expression at 0:50 with "this is my life" just... does something to me, it hurts,
saw it and immediately thought "that's the sort of thing you used to write about" so here we are

listen i've only seen the pilot and a bunch of clip collections but let me tell you,
angel dust is giving me such cupid vibes it scares me as much as it breaks my heart.

...and then cherry bomb shows up with her infi-esque eye & teeth and i just
man this whole vid is hitting weirdly hard

(btw she is so cute especially at 2:21 & 2:37 i can see why sir pentious was so smitten)
(TALK ABOUT HIM TOO btw he's both hilarious & precious)


but... that bit i keep looping. it's so jay. and... we haven't really felt that out yet, not so acutely.
he was... i'll be blunt. the entire jay bloodline was hypersexual. it was half trauma coping, half... desire, really. it was. jay loved people, so much, and that much.
...and yet, that bit at 1:05 is too accurate. "i'm addicted to the madness," the pink spider sings, posing seductively even as post-rape flashback images flicker across the screen.

"this is my life." and yet he's already dead. he's dead and he sold his soul and he's trapped in an abusive environment and yet this is my life. we know how that feels.

...


...that expression, at 0:50. when i saw it, like a sword to the heart, i immediately also thought, "that's the sort of look that would immediately give him outspacer potential."
i don't know if it's possible though. he's too dangerous, with our own trauma, and with his native canon. i don't think he'd be allowed in. just like mettaton was never allowed in. there's too much risk there.
...still. angel has pain. metta didn't have anything like this. and pain, especially of this sort, is so agonizingly relatable that it "links" him in a totally different way that jewel would. angel has potential because he already knows what our life is like. and we know what his is like, far too much.

...


oh and we NEED to talk about THIS one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcaaDTNP4d8
and the comments on it

https://www.reddit.com/r/HazbinHotel/comments/1by9tls/these_flashes_in_the_addict_music_video_are/



(left unfinished for now, because this series is very unsafe for our brain and HIGHLY TRIGGERING for obvious reasons. after this entry we honestly had a trauma meltdown for DAYS with repercussions that we're STILL reeling from, and we don't want that to happen again. unfortunately, the topics here are still piercingly relevant and need to be discussed when we are capable; this trauma still needs to be processed and this vid is the first time we've been able to face it in years. it's just terrifying.)




prismaticbleed: (worried)
2024-11-13 06:49 pm

tbhu worksheets = coping focus



(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"On a day-to-day basis, I'd like people to try to:"
✳ RESPECT me enough to be STRAIGHT with me = DIALOGUE
✳ BE HONEST & DIRECT YET COMPASSIONATE. Please DON'T be "softshoeing" or "inoffensive" but DON'T THROW DARTS at me either?
1. Respect my need for distance/ quiet/ stillness, while still kindly allowing me to be welcome & feel wanted in nearby company
2. Respect my innate plurality, as it affects how "I" speak & behave & think, and if it is denied/ rejected/ ignored, so is the TRUTH of my life AND the "REAL" me
3. Give me at least feedback, if not dialogue, when I speak. I may ramble, but I'm not monologuing. I'm sharing my thoughts WITH you because I trust I CAN tell you.

"When you see that I'm upset about something, please try to:"
1. NOT touch me! That will unsettle/ scare me more. I need space, but NOT abandonment. Help me get AWAY from crowds/ noise/ business so I CAN calm down/ think/ communicate.
2. NOT stare at me or "put the focus" on me. Stay "accessible" if I need help but don't FORCE "help" on me? All that attention/ FUSS makes me feel TRAPPED/ IN DANGER/ IN TROUBLE.
3. ASK CLEAR & "SEARCHING" QUESTIONS. Not "are you okay?" but, "hey, talk to me. What shook you up so bad?" EVEN if I'm OTHERWISE "unable to respond," I/ WE CAN STILL "GIVE DATA"? That's "GROUNDING" & helps me "GET BACK TO MYSELF."

"When you say "you DO/ you WILL/ you ALWAYS/ you FEEL" etc. to me, I feel SCARED, ANGRY, SAD, & "TRAPPED" because I assume YOUR words override my own experiences, and I "can't say no" to "truth." In the future, when we talk about my history/ behavior/ personality, I'd prefer if you try your best to ask more questions & enter into honest DIALOGUE rather than speak in absolutes/ assumptions, or just talk "AT" each other because I care about our relationship & WANT real communication/ genuine relationship."

"Other important things I need to tell you:"
I'm prone to either "acting like everything is perfect/ no problems" FOR the BENEFIT/ HAPPINESS of others, OR "spilling my guts" & "dwelling on the pain" out of a desperate attempt to "feel cared about"/ "get help"/ FINALLY ADMIT THAT I'M NOT PERFECT. I'm not trying to drag you down or depress you. I'm TRUSTING you enough to be THAT VULNERABLE in the hopes that we can "CONNECT" & GROW TOGETHER even in sharing wounds TO HEAL! (YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME (HOPED) TO BE HONEST & VULNERABLE WITH ME, TOO.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What helps your wellbeing to stay mentally healthy at work?"
Quiet environment, "stillness" (MINIMIZE distraction = lessens "shock" of forced shifts from "inner to outer"), upbeat or calming music (depending on whether I'm doing hard labor or more meditative tasks), dialogue with the System, making BOTH "tasks that need to be completed today" AND "pros/ cons for possible decisions" lists? (to PREVENT impulsivity! NOT anxious obsessing, but WISE DISCERNMENT for NON-DISORDERED CHOICES; "NEUTRAL") ("S.M.A.R.T." list! Prioritized and ACHIEVABLE within realistic time/ means? PREVENT OVERWHELM & SPECIFY FOCUS & EFFORT)
✳ ALSO we WILL need to MAKE SURE WE EAT & EXERCISE at proper times to HELP our brain!

"What can your mother do to support you staying healthy at work?"
Mom could give me a SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE TASK, with a clear "end goal" & directions? Having my own background music helps too, instead of chatter OR her music? (No offense intended, it just brings up childhood/ trauma flashbacks that it is NOT the right time or place to process) ALSO if I pack a lunch/ breakfast, a STILL/ QUIET/ CLEAN environment to eat IN helps a LOT. Eating in that house is one of my biggest trauma triggers.

"Are there any situations at work that can trigger poor mental health for you?"
CONSTANT HIGHSPEED TALKING/ BACKGROUND NOISE/ LOUD MUSIC & TV/ RUSHING. The house ITSELF is stressful with the clutter & cats & dirt. It smells like death. I MIGHT need to STAY OUT OF THOSE SPACES & work on the porch or outside? I WILL LIKELY NEED TO "STAY UPSTAIRS" TO FUNCTION PROPERLY. Also BE VIGILANT FOR ENVIRONMENTAL TRAUMA TRIGGERS. BRING COPING TOOLS WITH US.

"What do you usually do that helps you manage stress?"
"BURN OFF" stress with short-term high-intensity exercise (HIGH IMPACT); take a "time out" to BREATHE OUTSIDE (at the house)/ GO UPSTAIRS; go somewhere private where we can FEEL & EXPRESS & briefly PROCESS our stress response; basically DO NOT BOTTLE IT UP OR DENY IT!! Then we can do something POSITIVE to "RECOVER"/ physically "shake out" the trauma, like listening to upbeat System tunes + SING/ DANCE.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What, and who, is worth suffering for?
"Suffering," to me, is the experience of some negative/ painful circumstance that we are averse and/or resistant to. As a Catholic, I believe that Christ suffered ALL human pain for the sake of love. By sharing it WILLINGLY, He TRANSFORMED it into a MEANS OF SANCTIFICATION. Choosing to suffer for love of another is the victory of goodness over evil, of life over death.

What would you stand for if you knew that nobody would judge you?
I would stand for the truth of my faith, for the reality of our System, for the purpose & worth & beauty of ALL life & creation, and the legitimacy of objective Truth.

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?
Honestly, I would LIVE FULLTIME AS A SYSTEM, be completely unafraid of sharing & PUBLISHING the League, and get ENTHUSIASTICALLY involved in the selfshipping & queer Catholic communities online. I also would go back to publishing MUSIC online, and maybe do a poetry reading locally & do art for a gallery.

Based on your daily routines, where will you be in five years?
Well, if we DON'T CHANGE IT, we'll be DEAD! But if we DO, to our IDEAL, we will be a PUBLISHED AUTHOR, with a discography and portfolio, and will be doing public speaking on inspirational/ motivational/ SPIRITUAL topics. We might ALSO be a consecrated virgin. We'll ALSO BE PROPERLY CATECHIZED & PROPERLY BUFF. And we'll be JOYOUSLY ALIVE!

What do you not want anybody else to know about you?
...The grotesque extents of self-abuse and sexual torture/ humiliation we suffered AT OUR OWN HANDS during the Julie Days & Splinter era.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them? Why did they seem so insurmountable? How did you?
The SLC/ CNC eras. The Julie days. The "hell summer." We survived because we NEVER let go of our FAITH IN GOD, OR our LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.

Who do you admire the most, and why?
Outside the System? Maybe my mom & dad? Or Jem Godfrey/ Todd Rundgren. I admire their TENACIOUS, UNFLAGGING DRIVE, commitment to constant creative output, and strong yet humorous personalities.

What are your greatest accomplishments so far?
NOT DYING! Also the ARCHIVES, and writing/ drawing/ composing as much as we HAVE for the League.

What would be too good to believe if someone were to sit down and tell you what’s coming next in your life?
Actually meeting (and probably marrying) Chaos 0, seriously. But more "realistically," that I WOULD COMPLETE & PUBLISH at least the main Leagueworlds, and they would be RECEIVED WITH JOY AND LOVED BY CHILDREN especially.

Who from your past are you still trying to earn the acceptance of?
Mom. Dad. Grandma. Q. Mel. MC. TBAS. UPMC & HAVEN doctors. AAA & HB, maybe.

If you didn’t have to work anymore, what would you do with your days?
LEAGUEWORK & RELIGIOUS STUDY that is the FOUNDATION for my creative works. I'd also BUY & LEARN as many instruments & art mediums as possible, and VISIT GIMMELWALD

What are the five most common things in your daily routine aside from the basics such as eating and sleeping?
Mass + prayer, Bible study, bike exercise, listening to religious lectures, & coping with mental issues tbh

What do you wish those five most common things were instead?
I'd like to ADD IN Leaguework, journaling, playing music, BETTER exercise (WEIGHTS), Adoration, and spending time with the fam & neighbors in MUTUALLY EDIFYING WAYS

If you really believed you didn’t have control over something, you’d accept it as a matter of fact. What do you struggle to accept that you have “no control” over? What part of you makes you think or hope otherwise?
The trauma. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALL OF IT, rightly or wrongly. I hope that if I DO have control over it, I can "MAKE RESTITUTION" or "FIX" things. ...Also I feel the same about my grandparents deaths.

If you were to walk through your home and put your hand on every single thing you own, how many of them would make you sincerely feel happy or at peace? Why do you keep the rest?
ALL THE LEAGUESTUFF, my childhood Bible, the anchor plushies of Celebi & Chaos 0 & Unisalia, maybe a few children's books. So many other things were "bought with blood money" or are just daily-need tools/ items. The former I keep because I desperately hope I (or better, GOD) can still use them IN/ AS RESTITUTION.

What bothers you most about other people? What do you love most in other people? What bothers you most about yourself? What do you love most about yourself?
Bother = "cowardice", talking quiet/ trailing off, arrogance, showing off, acting entitled, seeking "safety," "mousy" behavior, unassertiveness, lewd/ sexual behavior & interests, crying, complaining, closed body language, talking too much, talking over people, being too interested in pop culture, inability to read/ spell? "Not knowing what they SHOULD"
Love = their hopes & dreams, little idiosyncrasies, their favorite things & WHY, their physical uniqueness, their histories & what brought them to this very moment
In MYSELF, it's VIRTUALLY THE SAME. I am bothered by SEEING what I'M AFRAID to/ DON'T WANT TO EVER BE.

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WITH "SELF-CARE," ASK = "WHAT NURTURES YOU?" WHAT SUPPORTS YOUR WELL-BEING? (NOT COMPULSIVE APPEASEMENT)
✳ SELF-CARE CANNOT BE FORCED!!
✳ "SELF-CARE" IS SUBJECTIVE!! It depends on what YOU UNIQUELY NEED THAT DAY!
✳ YOU MUST BE WILLING AND ABLE TO FREELY CHOOSE THESE ACTIVITIES OR THEY AREN'T SELF-CARE!! EVEN if they're difficult, if you GENUINELY FEEL/ REASON that it WILL "NOURISH" YOUR BEING FOR GOOD, then it IS a CARING CHOICE. IF YOU'RE FORCING YOURSELF AND FURTHER STRESSING/ EXHAUSTING YOURSELF, YOU'RE NOT BEING CARING!!!
(
✳ think of FLOWERS: each one NEEDS different soil/ light/ water/ food to PROPERLY FLOURISH in ITS UNIQUENESS!)

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"What is a situation where waiting 15 minutes before reacting could have helped you in the past?"

GROCERY SHOPPING. We tend to DISSOCIATE in social situations, ESPECIALLY with all the environmental sensory overwhelm, so we HAVE to spend a LOT of time DISCUSSING our GOALS TOGETHER at home FIRST, & WRITE THEM DOWN & STICK TO IT when we get to the store. OTHERWISE, we historically "WILL" act/ choose impulsively/ compulsively, because we're OVERSTIMULATED & LACKING DIRECTION/ PURPOSE. So STOPPING & REASONING TOGETHER & deciding on a GAMEPLAN keeps us acting WISELY.

To "set ourself up for success," we can practice these strategies...

HOW=
● Journaling
Talking upstairs
● Praying about it
● Making lists
● Typing on phone
● Reading relevant Scripture

WHEN=
● BEFORE entering ANY store
● Before bed/ before rising
● BEFORE driving
● AFTER AND BEFORE MEALS

WHERE=
● In the car
● In Adoration
● In bed before waking up
● At the laptop(s)
● At the window table?

A FEW POSITIVE DISTRACTIONS TO USE=
● Put on a favorite song that has INTERESTING STRUCTURE/ FLOW to draw in your attention & delight
● Start brainstorming the League OUT LOUD (and BRING A VOICE RECORDER!)
● Answer a fun survey, or ponder some "talk topics"

A COPING BOX TO TAKE OUR MIND OFF WAITING=
● PRINTED pages of your favorite Archive entries, Leagueworks, poetry, Scripture, & quotes
● A little Gideon Bible
● A blank notebook & colored pens = TALK TOGETHER
● Magazines/ scissors to prep collages?

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CHANGES TO MAKE AT HOME TO SUSTAIN/ CONTINUE RECOVERY & PREVENT RELAPSE/ TRIGGERS=

● Buy NEW, RESPECTABLE clothes that FIT your HEALTHY BODY
● "REMODEL" KITCHEN to disconnect visuals from flashbacks?
● Set aside a FIXED SPACE in the LIVING ROOM for CREATIVE PROJECTS (paint)?
● BUY KITCHENWARE to facilitate PROPER nutrition (e.g. pot, pan, utensils, bakeware)?
● Get your instruments out of hiding & start to play on them; learn to tap into JOY, not perfection, and THEN start WATCHING LESSONS
● Dust off the Wacom & start SLOW with simply COLORING. Tap into CHILDLIKE JOY; DON'T make art about mere UTILITY
● SLOWLY start living in COMMUNITY. Take the bus. Join the gym. Take a walk to the local cafe/ eateries. SIT OUTSIDE and read OR write, just to be AROUND & ACCESSIBLE to your neighbors. Make FRIENDS.
● Be more active online. Start a blog like your old Tumblr. Do audio readings. Share your talents with the world.

THE VERY FIRST THING I CAN DO=

● BUY ONE WEEK'S WORTH of NEW, NUTRITIOUS FOODS to TRY, that COULD REALISTICALLY BE INTEGRATED INTO A CONSISTENT YET FLEXIBLE DIET PLAN. DON'T OVERBUY/ NO COMPULSIONS!
● START JOURNALING EVERY NIGHT, AND DOING A HANDWRITTEN (BOOK) REFLECTION EVERY MORNING. START FILLING OUT THE LAPTOP SURVEYS IN EARNEST, TO PRACTICE CLARIFYING AND ASSERTING YOUR REAL, UNIQUE IDENTITY.

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AVOIDING RELAPSE INTO BULIMIC BEHAVIORS

LIKELY SITUATIONS FOR RELAPSE:
WHERE: with mom, ESPECIALLY up the house/ after a phone call
WHEN: after breakfast = "DOWNTIME"; feeling RUSHED/ GUILTY
WITH WHOM: with mom, with therapist? ANYTIME I'm NOT with the System!!
DOING WHAT: AFTER EATING, or AROUND FOOD
THINKING WHAT: cruel, self-critical/ hateful/ cursing/ blaming thoughts towards SELF
FEELING WHAT: "impending doom"; intense panic/ manic rush? "sobbing fear" beneath

ACTION STRATEGIES:
1. Sit down, close eyes, deep breathing (several minutes)
2. DIVE RESPONSE + brush teeth + CLEAN UP & LIGHTS OFF!
3. "HIIT" EXERCISE to burn off nerves? LIFT WEIGHTS!
4. GROUNDING exercises; STAY CONSCIOUS IN THE BODY/ IN CONTROL

THINKING STRATEGIES
:
1. Think about PEOPLE YOU LOVE & WHO YOU ARE WITH THEM. BE THAT TRUTH!!
2. List League things/ people categorically; describe them in detail; focus on BEAUTY & LOVE
3. Positive affirmations in the PRESENT? "I CAN wait this out." "I WILL practice discipline." etc.
4. Remember Scripture promises/ instructions & CHOOSE to OBEY by GRACE

FEELING STRATEGIES:
1. Put on a "COPING PLAYLIST" & REALLY feel the music
2. Read emotionally moving Archive entries and/or Leaguework
3. Sit down at the laptop & FEEL IT OUT/ WRITE IT DOWN TOGETHER!
4. PRAY ABOUT IT IMMEDIATELY & HOLD NOTHING BACK.

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DISTRESS TOLERANCE EVENTS=
1. Feeling self-conscious about face shape/ body size. Gave big smile & open arms to mirror.
2. Anxious about "no clear direction" to schedule/ treatment. Gave it over to God; TRUST
3. Disturbing/ lewd television programming in group room/ similar conversation; "SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED!!"

NOTICED THOUGHTS=
1. "I have to be accomplishing something & I feel directionless/ overwhelmed"
2. Annoyed/ irritated by group: "I'm upset with how they keep complaining"; anxious about "I'm not doing what I'm expected to"/ "I need to do that art project "PERFECTLY" now"
3. "I'm a failure/ I'm a sham/ I'm in trouble now/ I'm angry that she said that"

✳ ANXI said, "We're afraid that if we're NOT ACTIVELY WORKING, we're NOT PROGRESSING IN TREATMENT" = that's FALSE! Lynne/ Julie/ Scalpel MUSIC; "it's okay to just think about beautiful things; THAT'S recovery TOO" (of SELF/ PEACE)

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THE EATING DISORDER SEES HEALTH AS:

Only eat within a 4-6 hour window
● No "heavy/ sticky/ dense" foods
● Eating lots of vegetables
● Minimal/ no sugar
● Low carbs/ no "refined" carbs
● Light density/ low volume, "masculine" foods
● NO desserts/ sweets
● No processed/ packaged food
● 2 hours exercise daily
● Being athletically muscular
● Lots of water
● Only 2 meals maximum
● FASTING 16+ hours DAILY

REALISTIC HEALTH IS:
● Don't force yourself to eat huge amounts OR foods that make you physically ill
● NO "obligatory/ slavery" foods/ NO TRAUMA FORCING
● Eat smaller meals more often
● Eat VARIETY
● No rigid timing or prep rules
● No forcing extra vegetables
● Exercise daily but NOT until you crash
● No hyperfasts
● Able to choose & eat food FREELY/ WITHOUT FEAR OR COMPULSION

THE EATING DISORDER MANIFESTS AS:

● Constantly EITHER fasting OR bingeing
● Rigid food/ timing/ taste/ texture "rules" that make meals exhausting
● Keep forcing myself to use food AS ABUSE or as a TRIGGER
● Can't stop worrying about "wrong/ fatal food choices"
● Always feel scared/ sick/ weak
● Obsessive "I MUST eat that OR ELSE" fear
● Not allowing self to ENJOY food OR make my OWN choices
● NO TIME TO LIVE

THE EATING DISORDER DOES THIS IN MY LIFE (FUNCTION/ NEEDS??):
● Ritualized method of "reliving trauma"
● "Acceptable" form of self-abuse (even in public)
● Attempt to "make restitution" for offenses against others
● Attempt to impress "authority" by my capacity to endure/ suffer/ "be strong"
● Method of "control" over what I'm "forced to ingest"/ PURGE what is harmful
● Way of forcing self to FEEL trauma emotions
● "Force" helpless terror & rage to "jumpstart" my "fighting back"
● Desperate attempts to trigger childhood memories/ "remember alleged happiness"

"VALUE-ALIGNING" WAYS TO MEET THESE SAME NEEDS:

● XANGA SESSION & nightly journaling
● Cathartic music + headspace meditation
● Reading the archives
● Express emotions in art
● Reroute "self-abuse/ endure" into strenuous exercise (weightlifting)
● Keep track of daily victories & gratitude
● Set & pursue healthy self-discipline challenges
● Do good deeds for others that are fitting as penance
● Do personal "works of mercy" for "abusers"/ family

TWO EATING DISORDER "RULES" YOU CAN (WILL) CHALLENGE OVER THE NEXT 2 WEEKS:
1) I DON'T HAVE TO PUSH/ FORCE CALORIES/ EXCHANGES. I CAN eat less & OBEY the LIMITS & BE SATISFIED. I CAN slow down & enjoy the food.
2) I AM ALLOWED AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENJOY FOOD, AND TO CHOOSE THE FOODS I ENJOY. Eating DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WAR/ TORTURE.

FOR ME, "HEALTHY" MEANS...
✳ LIVING & THINKING AS A SYSTEM
✳ Nourishing my MIND/ HEART/ SOUL with CREATING & LEARNING
✳ Eating regular, reasonable, flexible, balanced, enjoyable meals
✳ Balancing work/ rest, food/ religion, and self/ others
✳ Food is NOT the center of my life, just FUEL for MY PURPOSE

MENTAL HEALTH:
● NIGHTLY SYSTEM JOURNALING/ CONVERSATIONS/ MEDITATIONS
● Gratitude journaling & "personality surveys" to "know myself"
● DAILY creative output, even just a few lines of ideas or poetry
● Engage in "coping skills" regularly to stay stable & enrich life

PHYSICAL HEALTH (THAT ISN'T FOOD/ EXERCISE):
● Start a better hygiene routine; shower at least twice weekly
● Set & keep to a regular sleep schedule
● Let myself rest & take breaks to recover from high exertion days
● Wear clean clothes, keep living space tidy, & DUST THE HOUSE!

HEALTH OF RELATIONSHIPS:
● Call dad & text brothers at least once a week; keep talking to mom
● Spend time in the apartments' communal spaces & meet the neighbors
● Finally get involved in the Tumblr F/O community & share the LOVE
● Get involved in the local creative & queer communities

EMOTIONAL HEALTH:
● Self-expression through playing an instrument, emphasis on "play"
● Listen to cathartic music/ watch a cathartic movie
● Let yourself LAUGH! Make Tumblr/ Youtube collections to have accessible
● Journal about GRATITUDE/ BLESSINGS/ POSITIVE thoughts DAILY

SPIRITUAL HEALTH:
● Go to daily Mass & at least 30m of Adoration
● Daily Scripture study/ reading for ≥1 hour
● Attend "recreational" church events to join in Christian fellowship
TALK to God more often & pray with JOY, not rigidity

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prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2024-11-09 10:31 am

110924


Well. We woke up this morning and it suddenly hit me as I looked at & felt this new body, that it's FEMALE. it has parts. And it might start bleeding again. And I can't cope with that. This is destroying me. THIS is the BIGGEST PROBLEM that we've been AVOIDING & SUPPRESSING this ENTIRE TIME but now it's UNAVOIDABLE and I'm... they asked if I felt like hurting myself and it took EVERYTHING in me NOT to say YES. The immediate instinct was to effectively "REROUTE THE BLOOD." But that wouldn't fix the actual nightmare. I DON'T WANT TO BE A WOMAN. I DON'T IDENTIFY AS FEMALE. I'M NOT A GIRL!! That's the bottom line. I've/ we've been saying that for ALMOST 25 YEARS at LEAST. And we CAN'T SHAKE IT. The body has become a living hell AGAIN and we're losing our will to live. The "only hope" is to... well. "Starve it again." That's the kneejerk response. Starve it so it stops. OR, "exercise until you become MASCULINE." I'm so angry/ scared/ sad. I feel BETRAYED. I WANT to feel safe in this body BUT THIS WILL NEVER BE SAFE and MY RELIGION SAYS I CAN'T DO A BLOODY THING ABOUT IT. This is the HEAVIEST POSSIBLE CROSS for me and it's LITERALLY KILLING ME and I'm afraid it's SUPPOSED TO DO and that is TERRIFYING. This feels like it's MURDERING ALL MY DREAMS.
✳ WE CANNOT SEE A FUTURE FOR OURSELF IN THIS BODY. We NEVER COULD, even as a child. That's ALWAYS been the death sentences. And now we "can't run." So what do we do? Honestly I don't want to revert to cruelly self-abusive behavior SOLELY because I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ABUSIVE PERSON. But I have to admit, I DO WANT TO "PUNISH" THIS FAT FEMALE FORM BY STARVING IT. It's genuinely a violent rage. Maybe it's symbolic. I WANT the femininity to EAT ITSELF ALIVE so it STOPS DEVOURING ME. I want to CUT OFF ALL ITS PARTS. You remember how CANNON was in college? How ANGRY & AGGRESSIVE she was? THIS IS WHY. AND WE'RE FEELING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. Except right now we're "TRAPPED." We're FORCED to keep eating and FOOD IS MAKING US FEMININE. I literally "HATE myself" for having been drinking so much m*lk, because it's SEX FOOD. WHY DIDN'T WE REALIZE THAT??? Was it a survival skill, to blind ourselves to the reality & its consequences? Just like Iscah. WELL HERE WE ARE AGAIN, FACING THE TRAUMATIC CONSEQUENCES, with NO CHOICE but to "RELAPSE" IN ORDER TO LIVE. God I hate this. WE HAVE TO LOSE THE FAT GIRLINESS ASAP. If we BULK UP & TONE UP it should KILL THE CURVES and if we DROP BACK DOWN TO ~105 we SHOULD... no, even I know that's too low. The ONLY reason we're still idealizing low body weight is because it GIVES US FLAT EDGES. It gives us SHARP CORNERS. BUT now we can either have THAT, or SOLID MUSCLE, and I'd MUCH RATHER HAVE THE LATTER. So we MUST BEGIN HEAVY DUTY WEIGHTLIFTING IMMEDIATELY. If we CAN'T join the gym YET, then GET THOSE APPS FOR HOME WORKOUTS & DO THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes it'll hurt & be difficult at first: we're weak & bloated & stiff from EIGHT WEEKS in an inpatient setting. BUT we'll have about SIX WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS and BY 2025 we MIGHT HAVE HOPE AT LAST. We just have to WORK OUR ASS OFF. So this means SCHEDULE SHIFTS. If we're going to be FOCUSING ON EXERCISE, then we have to GET A VOICE RECORDER to take notes WHILE walking/ hiking, GET WIRELESS HEADPHONES for the gym, and PUT THE LEAGUEFILES ON OUR PHONE so we can READ (LISTEN?) TO THEM CONSTANTLY & refresh our memory & inspiration AT LAST. And of COURSE we have SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS for not only workouts in general, but for EACH LEAGUEWORLD. So THERE'S YOUR HOPE. FIX THIS CURSED BODY & PLEASE DON'T LET IT KILL YOUR DREAMS. IT CAN CHANGE and we WILL CHANGE IT and the BAD PARTS WILL SHRINK and IT WON'T EVER BLEED AGAIN GOD PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON US.

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✳ Talking about food/ planning meals/ etc. STILL MAKES US AGGRESSIVELY ANGRY??? "We don't want to think about it." We're SO TIRED OF FOOD. And we HATE LUXURY/ OVERCOMPLICATING THINGS. We want to get a BASIC, SIMPLE, EASY PREP, NUTRITIOUS grocery list and just do the SAME for meals. NO FUSS. We have a LIFE TI LIVE. Food is just fuel, NOT focus. SIMPLIFY. I think THAT'S why we "hate being asked"-- because we DON'T plan meals. We just eat simple food. What is there to talk about? ALSO I think it STILL FEELS INVASIVE-- like WHY do you want to know what I'm eating? That registers as "personal information" for some reason. Is it because "eating" still feels disturbingly sexual in too many contexts? Food becomes part of this body; someone wanting to know WHAT food literally feels like molestation somehow. God I'm so tired of this. Eating STILL HURTS, too; it makes us feel ill & nauseous & wrong. Feeling THINGS INSIDE OUR BODY is scary. Feeling our own skin suffocating itself is terrifying. It all feels like rape. I'm so tired. I want to only eat SIMPLE, SMALL MEALS. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE A "PRETTY, PETITE, THIN WOMAN"!!! THAT'S ABHORRENT TO ME. I'm so sorry. I'll never be able to stop being so prejudiced until I stop condemning myself for being biologically female. And I have to stop hating femininity in order to stop hating FOOD, I think, because I ASSOCIATE THE TWO. It's ALL CONNECTED.

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Morning headspace experience notes for the sake of not forgetting this.

✳ Julie COLOR REVERTING. "I don't want to go back to how I was either" (BODY association)
✳ LYNNE "BLOODLINE?" holding the "ideal" adult expectation BUT NOT PHYSICALLY!!
✳ BRIDGET & MISSY = the REASON Blue & Green are STILL EMPTY? Julie affecting YELLOW?
✳ Realizing INFI held a LOT of this female-body fear, ESPECIALLY with that SEWED-UP WOUND & THE "SPHERE"
Tar attack = "adult woman" yellow? beehive hair? exaggerated parts. Laurie took an axe to her neck but it STUCK; she turned her axe-blade GOLD & it cut through.
↑ Tar-woman's body melted into Tar; Laurie has GOLD in her boots too?? I think Julie pointed this out. (This means that Laurie can now do critical "stomp damage" if it tries to evade her attacks on ground level)
Tar "flood" stopped by LEON who was up on a ledge; he shot several gold bullets down into it. Scalpel was with him. Leon warped to ground floor, asked what is happening? Solemn, shaken.
✳ Laurie asked Scalpel about his weapons? He has "flat razors," BIG ones that "fold out." (This was a bit surprising-- wouldn't he have an actual scalpel? or a scalping knife?-- but actually we think he's holding "residue" from CNC; he's still deeply unstable from that time period as he was born in it; he hasn't fully "separated his identity" from who he "had to be" back then)
✳ Tar flood return, WRECKAGE appeared and GRABBED it?? Actually "rolled it up" into a ball & crushed it, flung it aside. (HER WHOLE BODY HOLDS GOLD??)
Tarburn lingering on her hands. Knife showed up instantly & kissed her palms, cleared it up. We were worried about him now; but Julie marched over & purposefully kissed him & that cleared it. Knife was concerned for her in return but Julie said "if anyone is going to have Tar on (in?) them, it's me." (??)
✳ WE REALLY FELT INFINITII'S ABSENCE. NO ONE ELSE CAN "TRANSMUTE" BLACK ENERGY.
Is/ was Infi's daemon role ALSO TIED TO THIS ISSUE??? (GENDER + OUR BODY)
↑ CERISE CANNOT HOLD THIS. "Sensuality" MUST BE KEPT PURE/ NONSEXUAL OR IT WILL DIE.
WHAT IS YELLOW. WHY DOES THE TAR USE IT SO MUCH. Is Josephina able to return?? OR is s/he actually VIOLET/ PURPLE anchored (as s/he almost was in the beginning)? DUOTONE POSSIBILITY?
Missy = "accessories/ fashion" & light blue = MIRROR vibe! "Cute/ pretty" obsession; "prissy pettiness"
✳ Bridget = GIRL BULLY. "Bad Katie" introject root?? "Pretty & mean"; DIFFERENT from Missy; more "mature" vibe
✳ Julie was SEXUAL but ABUSIVELY. She MANIFESTED the "cheerleader" stereotype sexual look (busty/ curvy/ tan; emphasis on chest/ bottom/ stomach; feels SO WRONG) (the "lollipop chainsaw" girl is SUCH a dead ringer for the original Julie it's SCARY)
✳ JEZEBEL WAS THE "WHORE." BLACK VS. PINK IS VERY DIFFERENT in terms of sexual abuse/ distortion.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY FACELESS 'FONI WITH THIS ISSUE.
Jewel was cheering me up by reading the first letters of the emotion lists as words
✳ Laurie said my "internal form" is still a mess. It's only feeling "resonant" with PRISM right now??
✳ HOW DOES THE JAY BLOODLINE PLAY INTO ALL THIS.
✳ Btw THIS ISSUE IS CRUSHING OUR ATTEMPTS TO "OWN/ IDENTIFY WITH" THE BODY. WHEN WE SHARE THE EFFORT & LIVE FROM OUR HEART, WE CAN HANDLE THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. THE BODY ISN'T A "CONSTANT" IN FORM SO DON'T GET ATTACHED TO IT OR ANCHOR TO IT THAT WAY. LET THE BLEPOFONI & SOCIALS DO THEIR JOBS TOO! GOD MADE YOU MULTIPLE SO LET US BE OUR IDENTITY ACROSS THE BOARD!!


prismaticbleed: (worried)
2024-10-29 10:34 am

102924


We're watching Catfish again in the group room & I have 2 thoughts: first, I WANT TO BE LIKE MAX. He looks legit EXACTLY like I wanted to look as a guy (also looks a lot like my dad, GO FIGURE), plus he's super kind/ nice/ funny/ confident/ industrious which are ALL virtues I value & am striving to grow in myself. So God bless the dude, he's a good role model for me in those unique ways. I want to be so BLUNTLY HONEST YET CONSIDERATE, unflaggingly devoted to helping people & pursuing justice, too-- WHILE having fun & being goofy with his friends: ideals I must continue to work towards.
Secondly: I MISS AIRPORTS?? I MISS the "TRAVEL" feeling, that "interim" space between destinations, the feeling of potential & adventure & discovery... the people from all over the world passing through, lives intersecting for brief blessed moments, those precious tiny interactions before they continue on to their next unknown. It's beautiful. And SO is FLYING itself. I can see why my sibling wants to be a pilot, even if it's not my calling or vibe. I still recognize & appreciate the beauty & freedom & skill of it. But... I wonder, would I ever want to just TRAVEL? Is that a lifestyle, however brief, that I'm capable of living? The "unmoored" yet liberating sense of being a pilgrim, a wanderer, a voyager, with no roots in the places I'm going except the ones I may choose to put down in love, even as I continue to explore & move on; the experience of searching for food & shelter & knowing it's all brief & temporary & all the more special for it; the plane tickets & bus tickets & long walks of sheer wonder, always aware of my limited time that makes it all holy if I let it. I wonder. It REQUIRES SUCH STRENGTH OF CHARACTER to pull off, too, which I think is a HUGE factor in WHY I wonder, because I WANT to be that kind of person. I WANT to be THAT CONFIDENT & COURAGEOUS, to have THAT much TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE & in my OWN CAPABILITY of meeting challenges & MANAGING "on my own." I WANT to be THAT DARING & JOYFUL ABOUT IT. But you know what? I just need to START NOW, & START SMALL. Start by TAKING THE BUS. Start by WALKING FURTHER. Start by VISITING LOCAL RESTAURANTS & SHOPS. Start by going to COFFEESHOPS & LIBRARIES & just BEING AROUND PEOPLE. Little steps add up! But DO START SMALL. You need to WORK UP TO HIGHER LEVELS, so it can GENUINELY TAKE ROOT & GROW SOLID. Jumping too far ahead isn't sustainable or wise. Plus it's more fun to work up from the ground up, as it were. From level 5 to level 100! And seriously, CHERISH THE PROCESS. There IS ADVENTURE & DISCOVERY & TRAVEL & WANDERING BLISS RIGHT HERE WHERE YOU ARE. EVERY town is someone's hometown, so START WITH YOURS. Be your OWN airport until we gain that opportunity in the future. But DO NOT DEVALUE THE "EVERYDAY/ MUNDANE/ ORDINARY." This part of the world is blessed & full of wonder & beauty too. The JOY is to FIND it & TREASURE it. Don't blind yourself to how special the present moment is, now. You ARE a pilgrim, on the way to HEAVEN!

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✳ I know we briefly journaled about this in UPMC, but with Halloween this Thursday, we really should review WHY we still get "triggered" by the holiday, even briefly, just for the sake of later discussion. The first 2 immediate associations are: the original suicide attempt post-SLC (the 451 one, with Laurie), and the "streetlamp devil" moment in CNC (+THERE WAS MORE.) The other "fears" are from the first post-CNC Halloween when we purposely binged on TBAS's favorite candy as "restitution," childhood fears of the Knoebel's haunted house ride, teenage terror from BoyScout "haunted hayride" scares & environments, & childhood dread-horror weirdly tied to Country Junction "scare rooms/ tunnels" & hay rides/ corn mazes in general. Oh, and Roba's, for the "country" aesthetic & the crowds & smells, plus the oddly persistent fright-aversion to hay, corn, & barns. And DON'T FORGET COUNTY FAIRS, with their awful noise & those multilevel funhouses & amusement park rides. ALL of that has this underlying vibe of OVERWHELM, HELPLESSNESS, & being TRAPPED/ DOOMED. Literally just writing it out is triggering a physical panic response. That's significant to note. THEN there's the ADDED fact that Halloween happens mostly AT NIGHT, among LOTS OF PEOPLE, which is the "ultimate nightmare" in a way. Night SHOULD be a time of rest & safety & quiet solitude & HOME. When it becomes busy & dangerous & loud & crowded & FAR AWAY from ANY familiar/ welcoming/ belonging place, it feels like hell itself. This becomes LITERAL when, at Halloween, the FOCUS & AESTHETIC IS LITERAL "HELL." It's all ABOUT fear & danger & death. And I experienced religious-psychological "abuse" as a child that was ANALOGOUS to Halloween "themes." Honestly though Halloween is a TRAUMABOMB BY NATURE so it's really kinda NATURAL to be disturbed by it-- with all the blood & gore & violence & witchcraft & demons & monsters. I do NOT like it and even just for MORAL reasons I NEVER WILL. I will celebrate "All Hallow's Eve" like a Catholic should, & the culture's corruption is of no appeal or interest to me. HOWEVER, I DON'T WANT IT TO HAVE THIS "TRAUMA CONTROL" over my emotional state every October. I want to take ALL that "power" AWAY from it. Step one really should be AFFIRMING the TRUTH that EVIL IS "VOID" & GOD IS ETERNALLY VICTORIOUS, and as His child God WILL protect my soul from ALL that stuff, EVEN IF it IS scary. That's WHY & HOW Goodness is so powerful-- like the Cross, it stands INVINCIBLE EVEN IN the very MIDST of the worst fear & suffering, and it TRANSMUTES THEM. Light CHANGES things. It IS, whereas "dark" is "NOT." That's the ultimate truth. All these dark things are DOOMED TO DISAPPEAR in the end. So HOLD ON TO THAT HOPE & KEEP FIGHTING!


prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)
2024-10-08 10:31 pm

100824


Concerning yesterday's topic... WHAT REALITY (FACT; HISTORICAL/ EMOTIONAL) ARE WE (STILL) QUESTIONING (DOUBTING) &/OR FIGHTING (REJECTING)?? (DENIAL/ SUPPRESSION/ RESISTANCE/ SELF-GASLIGHTING/ AVOIDANCE/ ETC.)
The FACT of TRAUMA when we SOUGHT & INTENDED LOVE
★ The FACT that, the WHOLE TIME we were in SLC/ CNC, EVEN ALONGSIDE THE "HATRED," WE ALWAYS & HONESTLY LOVED THEM, AND THAT IS WHY WE NEVER "SAID NO" TO WHAT THEY WANTED FROM US. WE WERE STILL SCARED & ANGRY & FELT TRAPPED, BUT those painful emotions WERE ONLY EXTANT & SEVERE BECAUSE OF THIS CONFLICT!!
THE WORST TRAUMA OF OUR LIFE WAS SO TRAUMATIC BECAUSE INFINITII CHOSE TO TAKE THAT FATAL RISK OUT OF LOVE. AND WE TRUSTED THAT LOVE. We literally DENIED OUR TERROR for love's sake. THAT CONFLICT MADE THE TRAUMA SO DEVASTATING. It "KILLED" us BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENED WASN'T LOVE. ...but THEY said it WAS. How can we grapple with THAT conflict? We loved THEM, but did we ACTUALLY KNOW THEM? It's one thing to love "in general," a cosmopolitan Christian love. It's ANOTHER thing to love IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP, and ENOUGH TO BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF for them. I feel like I'm not making sense. We stood in front of that mirror, shaking with fear, BUT CHOSE TO TRUST INFINITII'S REAL LOVE because we hoped, DESPERATELY, that SOMEHOW that love would "NOT DO WRONG." ...but our love was confused & wounded. That SAME "frightened love" that "CHOSE" to "TRUST" TBAS AND poor groomed Infi IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO OUR CHOKING FEAR is what led to BOTH of the "FATAL TRAUMAS" in CNC... and that one in SLC, too. THIS is what needs to be discussed, too. INFINITII'S FUNCTION was to MIMIC & "EMBODY" ALL THE TERRIFYING WORDS & ACTIONS that OTHERS "SAID" WERE "LOVE," SO THAT "WHEN WE WERE INEVITABLY FORCED TO FACE/ ENDURE THEM, WE'D SEE THEM AS "LOVE" BECAUSE OF INFINITII, AND NOT BE TRAUMATIZED." ...it didn't work. God forgive us all, it DIDN'T WORK, and we are SO, SO SORRY.

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WHY IS "DATA COLLECTION" SO IMPORTANT? We feel AFRAID of NOT KNOWING those experiences, NOTABLY OF FOOD. We don't get it this strongly with sound or sight or touch, although scent CAN get close (remember the Etsy fragrance addiction). BUT it's the "TAKE INTO OURSELF" aspect, I think, that makes it so powerful. It's TIED TO GOD, I think. It feels like SEEKING THE BEATIFIC VISION while still on earth, but in the "WRONG" WAY-- seeking God's REFLECTIONS & ECHOES in TANGIBLE, SENSORY THINGS. This isn't inherently "bad," it's just a crutch. I wonder if it will lose its intensity if I pray & worship in INTERNAL ways more. The balance is off-kilter. We've been NEGLECTING our INNER SELF in GENERAL since ~2018, to be heartbreakingly honest. So please, make SPIRITUAL FOOD a KEY part of recovery... WITHOUT drowning in SCRUPULOSITY, AGAIN. I WANT ALL OF OUR LIFE TO BE PRAYER & WORSHIP, WITHOUT NEGLECTING ANY ASPECT.
HERE'S A THOUGHT: ALL FOOD is God's "ARTWORK" using "BASE COLORS," so to speak. ALL food is made of the SAME NUTRITIONAL "ELEMENTS," in different combinations. YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT EVERY "VARIATION ON" a food (style, prep, etc.) TO HAVE "TAKEN IN" THE "ESSENCES" OF ALL ITS INDIVIDUAL "INGREDIENTS." ...but honestly it's like ART. It IS the unique combination OF color & media that makes UNIQUE BEAUTY. ...and part of me DOES want to "see/ taste it ALL." It's because it IS beautiful & good & true. It's not "greed"; it's sheer WONDER & AWE & GRATITUDE. The PROBLEM is I keep seeking "SATISFACTION" on EARTH. That's IMPOSSIBLE, because this "body hunger" is FOR GOD, Who MADE ME TO DESIRE HIM-- and He IS INFINITE, so MY GOD-GIVEN DESIRE & WANT & NEED IS ALSO INFINITE BY DESIGN, because it's MEANT for HEAVEN. I AM subconsciously seeking the Beatific Vision. So I REALLY NEED to be AWARE of this, so I STOP TRYING TO "GET ALL THE DATA" about God's sensible gifts under the FALSE fear that "IF I DON'T, I WON'T KNOW PART OF GOD." Listen dude, YOU'RE JUST ONE PERSON AND YOU AREN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR, OR ABLE TO, "KNOW/ DO" EVERYTHING!!! IF YOU don't EVER learn what "braised chicken" tastes like, SOME OTHER SOUL DOES, AND AS PART OF CHRIST'S BODY, THAT "KNOWLEDGE" IS EFFECTIVELY "COLLECTIVE" IN HIM??? And in ANY case, CHRIST "KNOWS" because HE IS the SOURCE & CAUSE & PERFECTION of ALL EARTHLY WONDER & BEAUTY & GOODNESS & TRUTH. If YOU don't eat it, IT'S NOT LOST! There will ALWAYS be SOMEONE ELSE to eat it, AS GOD CHOOSES! YOU AREN'T "FAILING" HIM BY NOT HAVING IT BECAUSE HE NEVER "OBLIGATES" YOU TO. He wants you to WORSHIP & PRAISE HIM in ALL you have AND DON'T HAVE. ...I'm not making sense. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY "SOURCE OF DATA COLLECTION." GOD IS THE DATA. AND YOU WILL KNOW HIM IN HEAVEN FOR REAL. I'm not getting to the root. I STILL WANT TO KNOW ALL I CAN. And so I'm AFRAID to SAY "NO" to ANY "NEW DATA" to "EXPAND" my "knowing" of Him, insofar as I'm SEEKING Him IN sensory input. BUT GOD IS SPIRIT!!! Dude you CAN KNOW EVEN MORE OF HIM IN PRAYER & WORSHIP & then YOU WON'T "NEED" TO LOOK FOR MERE CRUMBS OF HIS INFINITE ABUNDANCE IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD!!!   

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My therapist asked, "were you FED well as a child?" And YES, we WERE fed, SURPRISINGLY WELL actually. We ALWAYS had fruits & vegetables, homecooked meals & desserts, family meals whenever possible, and NO box dinners/ fast food OR "junk food". We had ethnic Polish holiday meals & handmade birthday cakes. Our parents always strived to give us healthy food & balanced nutrition & regular exposure to new & different foods. We were honestly SO BLESSED. ...but we were EMOTIONALLY STARVED. We were given FOOD & SWEETS as "reward" or "comfort," instead of warm embraces & sincere words & real intimacy. We got SHOW without SUBSTANCE far too often. The family dinners frequently turned into fights. People left early & refused to finish their meals. I was at least once tied to a chair & forced to eat every last crumb. We were often told that we "couldn't have more" or "that's all you get" or "you have to be GOOD to get more." Our family obsessed over money to the point of often buying food that was already expired or rotting, especially grandpa. Eating itself was shamed as "gross," "piggish," "a chore," etc. Our plates were criticized whenever we chose our own servings. "Eat what's in front of you whether you like it or not." And yet, LIKING food was ALSO shamed? Like it would MAKE us greedy & entitled, & food ALWAYS felt "rationed" & "limited" & "forbidden," controlled & dictated. I felt "compelled" to sneak & hide food that I liked at an early age, afraid that it would be confiscated & I'd be punished, I think by being FORBIDDEN FROM eating such "enjoyable food" from then on? All I knew is that fear that it's be taken from me, "now that I FINALLY had some." And yet the SHAME & GUILT would frequently drive me to destroy the very food I had stashed in the same terror of discovery. It was painfully ironic. All the other food in the house "WASN'T MINE"? Even nibbling on dry cereal could get me spanked for "acting like a chipmunk" or something. And this whole time, there was no feeling of family community. There was no real communion. I always felt alone, foraging. It all started early, it seems. It's sad. So, no, in a deep way I WASN'T fed. I would forcefeed myself Easter chocolate & Christmas cookies like I'd somehow lose the joy if I didn't swallow as much as I could. I always got scolded, but I never stopped wanting it, more of it than was possible, even when it made me sick & frightened, & I was ashamed & confused & sad. When the eating disorder was in full force I ate a whole cherry-cheese kolachi by myself like I would die tomorrow & I cried. I just wanted the joy, the warmth, the sweetness, the love. I tasted family tradition & grandma's loving care in that roll and I cried. My heart was still so, so hungry. It still is, and I cannot look to ANYONE ELSE to feed it. Only God can, & He wants ME to cooperate in the work. I NEED to fill my life WITH beauty & warmth & joy & love & wonder & sincerity & deep connection. NO ONE ELSE WILL, CAN, OR SHOULD. It's MY JOB & MY PRIVILEGE. That is going to be ESSENTIAL to recovery. I CANNOT "live" from a skinny starving famine ration mindset anymore. I MUST be "poor in spirit," BY trusting in GOD'S ABUNDANCE. It's a holy paradox. This DOESN'T MEAN SELF-NEGLECT. it's just humility & gratitude. I HAVE TO LOVE THIS BODY, AND MIND, AND SOUL, AS A UNITED WHOLE, AS ITS HEART. Please God, help me to feed & care for this life well. And MAKE SURE I FOCUS ALL THESE EFFORTS ON YOU, GOD, THE SOURCE OF ALL LOVE & LIFE.

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✳ Staff girl, watching Coco with us = "HE'S REAL; HE STILL HAS MEAT ON HIS BONES"

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✳ GET EDIBLE "PAPER" & "INK" = EAT AFFIRMATIONS!!! (POWERFUL SYMBOLIC RITUAL)

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Well, we finally got the guts & heart to choose the meatball sub SPECIFICALLY as an ACT OF LOVE "IN HONOR/ MEMORY OF" KRISTANOVA, but all of a sudden, ANOTHER foni is feeling TRAPPED & ANGRY at this, MISERABLE & HELPLESS beneath, like "we STILL can't escape CNC"? Which IS a valid feeling that we NEED to respond to. First, though, we CAN'T AVOID EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH CNC & TBAS out of FEAR &/or RESENTMENT. That's TOXIC TO OUR HEART, & it's also FALSELY LABELING REALITY. This meatball sub effort is STEP ONE in TRULY "ESCAPING" by moving into LOVE & FORGIVING MERCY. The truth is, we ARE OUT OF CNC, PHYSICALLY. But we ARE "TRAPPED" EMOTIONALLY, UNTIL WE CAN MOVE INTO COMPASSION FOR BOTH US & THEM. We'll probably never see Kristanova again. But we DID love him, AND Ollie, AND Kyo & Trolley & Toy Soldier & Thirteen & Ohmiette & everyone else. But Kris did something TO us that DAMAGED us, and SINCE WE KNOW HIS ANCHOR, we KNOW HE DIDN'T MEAN TO. He was just broken, too. So we WANT TO FORGIVE HIM, as much as we MUST. And this upcoming dinner is a real concrete gesture of that, the only thing we can do here towards that end, but one powerfully tangible nevertheless. We bought him one out of sheer gratitude for his existence & he REALIZED & CHERISHED that. LET THIS BE THE CONTINUED SYMBOL OF THAT GRATITUDE. Let it be a private but true TESTIMONY to the REALITY of the LOVE our Systems shared, however trauma-distorted & wounded it was. We STILL LOVED THEM AS MUCH AS WE COULD, in the ONLY WAYS WE KNEW HOW. And I WANT TO FOCUS ON & REMEMBER THAT. In a way, it's a CROSS. It REQUIRES "BEARING" THE SUFFERING dealt by the ONES WE LOVE who "DID NOT KNOW WHAT THEY DID." The Cross CONQUERS DEATH by DYING TO DEATH, THROUGH DEATH-- death TO SIN. And that sinful part of us-- bitterness, resentment, hatred, rage, blame, etc. that WE DON'T WANT & that are IN CONFLICT with the TRUTH-- HAS TO "DIE," THROUGH THIS SELF-GIVING LOVE, EVEN "FOR OUR ENEMIES"-- with the GOAL of FORGIVING them & RESTORING RELATIONSHIP with them AS BELOVEDS.



prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2024-10-05 03:49 pm

100524


✳ I "HATE" WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME "ARE YOU DOING ALL RIGHT?" "ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?" etc. BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE THEY'RE IMPLYING OR EVEN DICTATING THAT I'M NOT, EVEN IF I AM OKAY. WHY ARE YOU PLANTING BAD SEEDS IN MY HEAD??? I want to say, "YEAH, I AM OKAY; STOP SAYING/ TELLING ME THAT I'M NOT"!!
✳ PRACTICE "FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE" = GROW PEACE!

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So, at my dear nutritionist's request, I tried the chicken corndog today instead of the pizza, and unfortunately they were SHOCKINGLY TRIGGERING and it shook me up SO BADLY that I need to journal about it, or it'll make me even more physically ill than it already has, haha. All coping-attempt jokes aside, I'm legit shaking. First, the cornmeal coating "activated" SOME childhood(?) memory, but it's so unclear I can't "see" it. But it "pinged" IMMEDIATELY so it's legit. The only thing I'm "SEEING" is COUNTRY JUNCTION in the fall?? And POSSIBLY something with FAST FOOD. Was there some place that sold palm-size, ROUND & semiflat cornbread discs/ patties? Because THAT'S the image flash I'm getting from the VERY SPECIFIC & UNIQUE flavor: it's NOT what "REAL" or even "box" cornbread tastes like, and it has a "sweeter" tone & "heavier" flavor than mom's cornbread cookies or pancakes. This is PARTICULARLY "processed" cornmeal 7 the ONLY thing I CAN "associate" with it that IS pinging CLOSE is HUSHPUPPIES from Long John Silvers, but they ALSO have a "wheat" tone (white, not yellow) so it's NOT exact. But man, that was a TOTALLY NEW MEMORY CALLUP so I AM grateful.
...The problem is the memory that the HOT DOG triggered. It was ALMOST the EXACT taste, AND the EXACT TEXTURE, as the hot dogs that grandma would chop up & mix with pork n' beans. ...which, as you know, was the exact food she pretended to choke to death on when I was a child. I can still see her still body on the yellow tile floor. I can smell the distinguishing perfume of her clothes. I can still see my young face in the bathroom mirror, contorted in unbearable terror & grief, as I screamed like the world had ended. I can still taste the hot dogs & beans as they fell, half-chewed, from my agonized mouth into the ghastly green sink. Every time I taste a hot dog I am right back in that moment. I don't know how to deal with it. I haven't eaten a hot dog in YEARS. So this was SO sudden & SO unexpected that it made it SO MUCH MORE DISTURBING. I'm genuinely shaking. I feel like a child again, weeping hysterically & totally helpless & confused & maybe even angry? Why did she do that? Didn't she know I loved her? Didn't she realize how much that would hurt me? But she WASN'T dead. The world hadn't ended. But that minute of sheer apocalyptic terror had been scalded into my soul. I couldn't possibly finish eating those hot dogs, seeing them all chewed up in the sink, proof of the wound I had just received. But I had to. But I don't remember. All I remember is her suddenly resuscitated, standing & laughing with an unsettling insincerity as she stood at the bartable by my empty seat & half-full bowl, jeering at my response. I remember a hurricane of emotions that I couldn't understand. Then it all got shoved back into the black ocean of dissociation, and I sat down, and I don't remember anything, and I ate. Like I did today.
...I've never actually processed it, it seems. And so I thank God for this revelation, to bring it back into present recall, to make it real & present, so I can (by grace, with time) finally feel & heal that scalded wound. But it's still so tender & terrible. It hurts. I'm shaking. How do I deal with this, right now? Focus on the LOVE. I love her anyway. That wound PROVED it. Forgive. Give thanks.

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I'M A "BAD PERSON" ONLY WITHOUT GOD'S GRACE!!! But REMEMBER YOU ARE BAPTIZED & YOU HAVE HIS GRACE AND HIS HOLY SPIRIT!!! STOP DOUBTING THIS JUST BECAUSE YOU STILL STRUGGLE WITH CONCUPISCENCE AND SIN. YOU'RE NOT GOD. YOU WILL STUMBLE. HE KNOWS THIS. HE WON'T & CAN'T ABANDON YOU-- HE IS A GOD OF COVENANT!!!

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"What did I learn about myself this week?" = that I'm STILL being "beaten up/ thrown around/ "CONTROLLED" by "TWISTED CORE BELIEFS" that have persisted for YEARS. (AND ONLY BECAUSE YOU AREN'T UNTWISTING THEM TOGETHER!!!)
✳ SERIOUSLY, START REVIEWING THE ARCHIVE DATA ON THIS & TAKE NOTES. WE KNEW WHAT WE WERE DOING. WE MUST CONTINUE ON FROM THERE! (AND START "EDITING" IT INTO PUBLISHABLE BOOK FORMAT!!!)

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"EATING" IS STILL "THE ENEMY" IN SOME WAY??? The therapist said "MEALPLANS" are a "STEP TO RECOVERY" & that sounded SO "STUPID"/ SHALLOW it made me FURIOUS?? It felt like she was saying that, if I "just spend MORE time & effort on FOOD"-- notably "EXCESS/ LUXURY" food variation that WASTES TIME & EFFORT & ENERGY that I COULD be using to LIVE & CREATE & WORSHIP, IF I KEEP "MEALPLANNING" SIMPLE & STRAIGHTFOWARD & HUMBLE, INSTEAD OF "FIGURING OUT WHAT NEW THING TO DO/ EAT" WHICH IS IDIOTIC-- then "IT'LL FIX YOUR TRAUMA." And THAT is REALLY distilling the impact but it's TRUE. "Inventing" a ridiculously unnecessary list of "meal plans" when I ONLY NEED THREE, TOPS, and can FREELY ADAPT, is going to JUST BECOME ANOTHER OBSESSIVE-UNHEALTHY FOOD COMPULSION that TAKES ME AWAY FROM TRUE HEALTH/ RECOVERY. I apologize, it just stung. I DO agree that having A "standing plan" (SIMPLE!!!) DOES help, so we HAVE a "go to" solution in a pinch, instead of thinking "what I "SHOULD" EAT" & being OVERWHELMED BY TOO MUCH VARIETY/ OPTIONS. BUT I WANT A SET, SIMPLE SCHEDULE. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT FOOD ANYMORE. LIFE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN FOOD!!! It's ONLY FUEL for it... AND an OFFERING of GRATITUDE TO GOD. But it's NOT THE POINT! And it's NOT TRUE LIFE!!!


prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2024-09-29 08:35 pm

list of trauma/ trigger foods 2024


LIST OF RELAPSE-RISK CATEGORY FOODS:


SUGAR/SWEET
RAISINS
CHOCOLATE
ALL FRUITS
ALL DESSERTS
SYRUP
JELLY/JAM
MOLASSES
HIGH-CARB FOODS
SWEET POTATOES
ETC.

CHILDHOOD
(WHAT ACTUALLY HAS EVENT MEMORY??? OR IS IT ALL JUST TERROR FLASHES???)
HOT DOGS & BEANS
MEATLOAF W/ KETCHUP
BBQ CHICKEN
GRILLED CHEESE W/ TOMATO SOUP
SPAGHETTI
FRIED FISH
FRENCH FRIES
MCDONALDS MEALS
CORN ON THE COB
STUFFED PEPPERS
PICKLELOAF
MINCEHAM & PICKLES ("ARMY SANDWICHES")
COTTAGE CHEESE & NOODLES
PEA SOUP
CHEESY MASHED POTATOES
POTATOES AU GRATIN
SALISBURY STEAKS (ESP. W/ SPANISH RICE)
CRANBERRY CHICKEN
CANNED PEAS
CANNED GREEN BEANS
BANANA SLICES & PEANUT BUTTER
OATMEAL W/ PEANUT BUTTER & HONEY
FROSTED SUGAR CUTOUT COOKIES
OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES
ETC.

TRAUMA
BACON
CORN GRITS
HOT DOGS (CUT)
TATER TOTS
RAMEN
MAC & CHEESE
PIZZA
PANCAKES
ETC.

HYPOCHONDRIA
SESAME
EGG
SOY
PORK
SEAFOOD
PUMPKIN
SUNFLOWER
FLAX
SHELLFISH
TREE NUTS
CORN
ETC.

BACON + GRITS + LIVERMUSH = CNC "RAPE" FOOD
CUT HOT DOGS & PORK&BEANS = GRANDMA FAKED DEATH
BLACKBEANS + CHICKPEAS + TUNA + RICE + SRIRACHA + MAYO = TBAS WORK FOOD

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LIST OF CONTEXT-SPECIFIC BINGE FOODS:
(THESE ARE ALL HIGHLY TRAUMATIC AND WE TEND TO AVOID ALL OF THEM OUTSIDE OF SELF-ABUSE FORCING)


CNC BINGE FOODS
OREO O'S
LUCKY CHARMS
BLACK BEANS
TUNA
CHICKPEAS
RICE
SHRIMP-LIME RAMEN
CORN TORTILLAS
MAC & CHEESE
COTTON CANDY POP ICE CREAM
"SAMPLER" CHEESECAKE
HALOTOP ICE CREAM
FROZEN PERSONAL PIZZAS (SQUARE)
SYRUP
AVOCADO
OATMEAL
DINOSAUR OATMEAL
HALLOWEEN ORANGE-COLOR KITKATS
HALLOWEEN CANDY
EASTER CANDY
BIRTHDAY CAKE
SUGAR COOKIES
SWEET POTATO W/ MARSHMALLOW
TURKEY
HISPANIC PASTRIES
CORN TAMALES
SUNBUTTER (CRUNCHY)
WHITE SUGAR
CORNMEAL
CROQUETTES
BISCUITS
CREME HORNS
CREME COOKIES
BROWNIES
"G" PROTEIN BATS
"SUMMER" CAP'N CRUNCH
INSTANT POTATO FLAKES
CANOLA OIL
TORTILLA CHIPS
YUMYUM SAUCE
YELLOW SQUASH
ZUCCHINI
"CALIFORNIA BLEND" VEGETABLES
QUESO DIP
VODKA
PEACH SCHNAPPS
COLD COFFEE
HARD CHEESE
MOONCAKES
CORNBREAD
TARO/ MATCHA/ DURIAN/ ADZUKI PASTRY
CILANTRO
FRIED PLANTAINS
RUNNY EGGS
OPEN-FACE OMELETS
MAYONNAISE
FUNNEL CAKE
PIG HEARTS
CHICKEN HEARTS
CILANTRO
CATFISH
SHRIMP
BREADED OKRA
POPCORN
WHITE MULBERRIES
SPECIAL K CEREAL
BEEF STROGANOFF


SLC BINGE FOODS
CLIF BARS
LUNABARS
ORANGE GRANOLA
MARBLE CAKE
BAKED BEANS
HARD CHEESE
KOMBUCHA
PROTEIN POWDER PACKETS
FRESH FIGS
RAINBOW CARROTS
FROOT LOOPS
BUCKWHEAT
RICE
BEETS
JAPANESE SWEET POTATO
CANNED SQUASH
CANNED PUMPKIN
+WHATEVER ELSE we ate that LAST WEEK, esp. from that church lady

✳WE STARTED TO BINGEPURGE DURING THIS TIME, SO THERE AREN'T AS MANY ITEMS, THANK GOD!


HOMESTEAD BINGE FOODS
CRAISINS
COCONUT OIL
CAULIFLOWER + SPINACH + EVOO
FLORIDA AVOCADOS
GRANOLA BARS
ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP
"VANILLA SUNRISE" CEREAL
CHERRY-TOPPED CHEESECAKE
CHRISTMAS COOKIES (HOMEMADE)
CHEESE/ NUT/ POPPY ROLL
LONG JOHN SILVERS' FISH MEALS
SALSA
MAYONNAISE
PEANUT BUTTER
BUTTER
FRUIT & NUT CHOCOLATE
MOLASSES
CLEMENTINES
SANDWICHES
HONEY
TOFU
HOT SAUCE
SESAME SEED CANDY
RAISINS
RAISIN BRAN
CEREAL IN GENERAL
CAP'N CRUNCH
CORNFLAKES
PICKLES
CHILI
GRANOLA
CHERRIES
PANCAKES
FRENCH TOAST
FROZEN DINNERS
ZUCCHINI
ROMAINE LETTUCE
CUCUMBERS
COOKED CARROTS
APPLES
BANANAS
BLUEBERRIES
PUDDING CUPS
CHIPS
CHEXMIX
GRILLED CHEESE
CHEESE PUFFS
PRETZELS
SALTINES
NUTRIGRAIN BARS
GRAHAM CRACKERS
PEA SOUP
LENTILS
SOUR CREAM
SLICED CHEESE
BEAN PUFFS
MANGO
KLONDIKE BARS
DRUMSTICK ICE CREAM
INDIAN SNACK FOOD
CREAM CHEESE
CAPTAIN'S WAFERS
CRYSTALLIZED GINGER
MINI MARSHMALLOWS
CREAM OF WHEAT
GROCERY STORE PASTRIES
FOOD DRIVE VEGETABLE CANS
PROGRESSO SOUP CANS
CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP (ON TOAST)
ROTISSERIE CHICKEN
CREAMED CORN CASSEROLE
PEANUT BUTTER HONEY OATMEAL
LUNCHMEAT (ESP. PICKLELOAF)
OLIVES
EGGS
V8 JUICE
TEABERRY ICE CREAM


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HEALING/ COMPULSION NOTES


CHEESE ATTACK/RESOLVE OPTIONS=

NOT SAUCED! Remember it's GLUE.
Parm crisps?
Sliced cheese CANNOT BE REGURGED (lumps)
DAIRY FREE OPTIONS!!!
REMEMBER THE "MILK AFTERTASTE" HELL ("BUTTER CURSE") from the bread cheese
● Feta? Or is that still traumatized?
ALL MELTED CHEESE IS DEATH GLUE
● CHEESE IS LITERALLY OPIATE-ADJACENT


BEANS???
● Black are HARD. also CNC trauma
● Great Northern = grandma death
● Chickpea = CNC & hospital terror
● Pinto = "mexican" food fear?? tied to mom/ summer??
● Lentils = Esau mortal sin/ gorge pots
● Kidney = mom's chili/ wendy's grandpa chili
● Butter = childhood face/ grandma family dinners
● Lima = allergy fear/ hospital food


✳ We MUST AVOID COCONUT OIL & BUTTER.
Ideally we must avoid MILK too, ESPECIALLY in "soft" forms like yogurt/ cotchs/ crmchs.
It ALL TASTES LIKE HELL/ "WOMAN" HORROR

✳ We MUST OVERCOME the "CHEESE COMPULSION" that ISCAH STARTED in UPMC. On that note, WHAT MODE of cheese DID she eat? Do we have to revisit THAT & resolve it DIRECTLY to fix this?
✳ Was she NOT traumatized by the "milk hell" BECAUSE she was SO HYPERFEMININE/ OBLIGATORILY SEXUAL???

AVOID ALL GLUTEN. NO EXCEPTIONS. Remember how it turns to GLUE & ROCKS in the stomach.

✳ We are STILL compulsive about BEANS. This goes back to grandma's death. IS THAT WHERE THIS BEGAN??

✳ Also WHY the SPICY compulsion? Is that self-abusive? AND/OR are we trying (allegedly) to "BE LIKE DAD"?

✳ WHY are we craving the TOMATO aspect, specifically to CHILI? Is this ALSO tied to grandma/ grandpa "restitution"?




prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
2024-09-28 01:13 pm

092824



✳ DOES THE "SYSTEM VS FAMILY" "WHO I "AM"" CONFLICT PLAY INTO THE "SLAVE" ISSUE?? Because let's be honest: we've been a System for AT LEAST 21 YEARS. IT DOESN'T EVER "GO AWAY." I CANNOT "TURN IT OFF" AND I DON'T WANT TO, EVER. I LOVE THEM. ...But I love my family, too, and they don't accept US. ... It's devastating. And it therefore "FORCES" US TO DISSOCIATE FROM OUR OWN SOUL & SELF IN ORDER TO "PLAY THE FAMILY ROLE" THAT HAS BEEN ASSIGNED TO "ME." And that IS a form of "SLAVERY," because I CANNOT BE MYSELVES & THEREFORE I CANNOT BE "MY OWN PERSON(S)." AND, if "I" STAY IN THIS MINDSET when I AM away from the house/ family-- when I "SHOULD" be independent but am STILL "ENSLAVED" TO THE FAMILY DYNAMIC AS A "STANDING ORDER"/ INESCAPABLE ROLE-- then I CANNOT MAKE "MY OWN DECISIONS" OR "BE MY OWN PERSON" BECAUSE THAT "SINGLET" MINDSET I'M FORCED INTO ISN'T "ME," BECAUSE WE ARE US. AND INVARIABLY, in EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE, LIVING AS A SYSTEM, DEVOTED TO GOD, SOLVES &/OR HEALS EVERY PROBLEM in the end. WE CAN FUNCTION. WE CAN CHOOSE. WE CAN BE FULLY ALIVE & LOVING & FREE TO DO THE RIGHT THING WHEN WE ALL DO IT TOGETHER, BY GRACE. ...and we can't seem to act with ANY integrity when we're "NOT" "we." And... I wish we could explain this to the family. Maybe all we can do is just... BE US around them REGARDLESS, & deal with the unexpected as it comes. But IF WE WANT TO FACE & INTEGRATE & ACCEPT & ADMIT & HEAL OUR PAST, IN THAT HOUSE, WITH THAT FAMILY, WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO SO AS A SYSTEM, BECAUSE WE ALL LIVED THAT TOGETHER. "I" DIDN'T. WE ARE THE WHOLE OF OUR HEART.

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✳ ANOREXIC "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR WAY! DON'T HURT ME!" vs. BULIMIC CONFLICT "I'M NOT SORRY, I HAVE A RIGHT TO TAKE UP SPACE, I WILL DEFEND/ FIGHT BACK" VACILLATION (BINGE/ PURGE) DUE TO GUILT/ SHAME OVER WANTING TO EAT/ BE FED/ ENJOY LIFE/ TAKE UP SPACE/ MATTER
BINGE RISK "REFEEDING" RAVENOUS HUNGER after a LIFE OF LACK; FEAR OF FAMINE after FINALLY "FEASTING"
✳ EMOTIONAL/ SPIRITUAL STARVATION IS THE ROOT OF ALL OF IT = +BEING "FED POISON"
↑ START TO ASSOCIATE FOOD WITH POISON (LOVE WITH ABUSE & TRAUMA); PURGE RESPONSE TO SURVIVE; UNABLE TO PROPERLY FEED SELF = FEAR = NO COMMUNION = NO EXPERIENCE OF REAL NOURISHMENT = MANIC "TRY EVERYTHING" SEEKING SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT? (SEEKING ALL BEAUTY?) "CAN'T SAY NO" TO FOOD = "ALL OR NOTHING" FEAR OF HUNGER (SPIRITUAL) BY OWN "CHOICE"; DOOMED? "MISSING OUT" ON KNOWLEDGE; TERRIFYING = WHY? "UNKNOWN" = NO "LOVE"? "HIDING" = NO TRUST = NO RELATIONSHIP/ COMMUNION; SECONDHAND PARTICIPATION IN GLOBAL/ COLLECTIVE HUMAN EXPERIENCE = DESPERATE FOR INCLUSION (KNOWLEDGE) = SEEKING INTIMACY/ BEING WANTED? (ONLY REFUSE WHEN FORCED/ STUFFED = ABUSIVE) (PURGE)
✳ THIS plays into "taking food" WHEREVER I go: I "CAN'T STAY"/ I'm "NOT WELCOME/ WANTED"; I'm just a passing visitor. And I TAKE in order to FEEL LIKE I'm being GIVEN it AS a "friend/ loved one"? So that I "FEEL" WELCOME enough TO "SHARE THEIR MEALS"/ "EAT WHAT THEY EAT"/ SHARE IN THEIR LIFE.
BUT the OTHER half is the "POVERTY" mindset/ "SCAVENGER" IMPULSE. "THE ONLY FOOD I HAVE ANY "RIGHT" TO IS WHATEVER I CAN "FIND"/ WHAT OTHERS "DON'T WANT"/ "CAN SPARE"/ "DESERVE BETTER THAN"/ "SHOULDN'T BE EATING"/ "WON'T MISS"??? PLUS THE "SEEKING COMMUNION WITH THEM AS PEOPLE THROUGH SHARING THEIR FOOD." BUT "I DON'T GET TO/ DESERVE TO HAVE THOSE CONNECTIONS"??? "I'M UNWANTED/ UNDESIRABLE/ GROSS/ UGLY/ BAD/ EVIL/ ETC." SO I "HAVE TO TAKE" TO EAT AT ALL"??? "NO ONE WILL GIVE ME ANYTHING BUT POISON"??? OR "GIVING" DOESN'T OCCUR BUT FORCING DOES?? NOT "LET'S SHARE THIS BECAUSE I (LOVE &) WANT YOU IN MY LIFE (TOO)", BUT RATHER "YOU EAT THIS WITH ME BECAUSE YOU MUST CONFORM TO ME" WITH NO SELF-GIFT IN THE PROCESS. I am "OWNED." It's like swallowing a parasite, although I feel like one, desperate to live IN another's life & SHARE it, but TOXICALLY DEPENDENT/ NEEDY & UNWILLINGLY STEALING THEIR LIFE/ EATING THEM (DESTROY) IN THE PROCESS??

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After reading that "dysfunctional family roles" worksheet, I think THAT is a BIG PART of WHY I "am NOT ALLOWED to be someone OTHER THAN who I was IN THE PAST"? AND why I STILL feel BOUND TO the family AS A UNIT. Like I CAN'T leave it even if I wanted to, in the sense of "MY IDENTITY is DICTATED BY WHO I MUST BE IN THE FAMILY CONTEXT, DEPENDENT ON THE OTHER MEMBERS' ROLES"!! That's why I keep asking THEM "what THEY want me to do/ WHO THEY "NEED" ME TO BE." Am I afraid that if I "OWN" & REMEMBER my past AS MINE, I will "HAVE TO" STILL BE THAT PERSON? WHY? Is it just "STANDING ORDERS"?
✳ LYNNE holds the "violinist" order, FREE of competition/ perfectionism/ obligation.
✳ SHERILYN holds the "surrogate mom" role? (CNC) "Warmth" that mom DIDN'T give us
✳ There are a LOT of "memory bubbles" that NEED a foni to "integrate" them, such as =
● KNOEBELS/ AMUSEMENT PARKS; need a PAIR of kids = one ENJOYS, one AFRAID? (to COMFORT)
● "ON FILM" kid; HAPPY to be on camera, acting FOR MOM; "STORY OF FAMILY?" (difficult as we have NO FIRST-PERSON MEMORIES of being on camera other than FEAR FLASHBULBS)
● "DRESSUP" girl? Pageants & photos & such. DANCE too, or SEPARATE? (would we need a kid to hold the ACTUAL TERROR of these events, or a POSITIVE one to "REWRITE OUR EXPERIENCE" to HEAL it?? 
● WHO IS THE ACTUAL PIANIST (esp. LESSONS)? (PERFORM VS. COMPOSE)
● Mom brought up "cheerleading" but that was LITERALLY just an attempt to get close to AAA
● NO memory of Girl/ Boy Scounts OR the trips they took? (ONLY the "Pokemon Pearl bus ride")
✳ "BLOODLINE" INSTABILITY in HS ('03-'08)?? WHO EXACTLY WAS DRIVING, ESP. WITH FAMILY? WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY OFFLINE DURING THAT TIME, EXCEPT FOR SOME HS MEMORIES WITH GENESIS!! (who is ESSENTIAL to this in terms of recall; HE KEPT OUR TRUE SELF CONSCIOUS & STABLE IN PUBLIC!!!)
✳  Our unsettling "HATRED" towards HS-era somafoni(?) is actually "SNAPSHOTTED" IN THE ARCHIVES, ESP. THE SHIFT FROM dA/LJ to IJ/SCR/XA??? The "HATE" is HELD BY SOMEONE who ONLY "FEELS" that in a "PROTECTIVE" WAY?? She RECOGNIZES SOMETHING FALSE/ HARMFUL/ SHALLOW/ PROUD/ DETESTABLE IN those "girls" the mother "keeps referring to"?? And she (the foni) WANTS TO "DISOWN/ DESTROY" THOSE/ THAT PART(S) OF OUR HISTORY/ SELF(VES) TO PROTECT OUR "NOW"/ FUTURE FROM THEIR CORRUPTIVE/ POISONOUS INFLUENCE??? LIKE THEY'RE BLOOD INFECTIONS. Ironically this means we MUST SPECIFICALLY DISCERN WHY/ HOW SO WE CAN PROPERLY FACE THIS & RESOLVE IT & HEAL OUR WHOLE HEART-- and MAYBE THEM, TOO. Julie is THE beacon of hope in this. If SHE was (IS) healed, ANY & ALL FONI CAN, TOO.
✳ BIG question. WHO HOLD THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ROLES? WHY DO WE STILL FEEL COMPELLED TO BE A CHILD AROUND MOM?? What's the "MOTIVE"??
✳ HOW DO WE LIVE "FOR OURSELF" AND "FOR OTHERS" AS A CATHOLIC?? CAN we rightly hope that what is OBJECTIVELY (GOD'S LAWS) GOOD FOR US IS GOOD FOR OTHERS, even if that "good" is something "PERSONAL" like EATING & REST & SELFCARE? (A: it's TEMPLE UPKEEP, Good RADIATES, & ALL your life affects the WORLD!)

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Continuing from 0922... SUGAR gives you a "BODY RUSH" that feels like a PANIC RESPONSE IN EXPECTATION OF TRAUMA. It ALSO makes our HEAD/ BRAIN "HIGH," which feels TERRIFYING because WE CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT OR FOCUS, AND THE "HIGH" TRIGGERS AN "ANALOGOUS" MANIC RESPONSE, which-- when our REASON is simultaneously COMPROMISED-- IS THE "PERFECT STORM" FOR BEING HACKED &/OR HIJACKED. ...and that is EXACTLY what used to happen. THE KAKOFONI WOULD SPECIFICALLY & MALICIOUSLY USE/ TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SUGAR SIDE EFFECTS IN ORDER TO CONTROL OUR MIND & BODY IN SUCH A WEAKENED STATE. So, we quickly considered ALL "sweet foods" to be FROM HELL. "Sweet" became synonymous with "EVIL." ...That has tragic psychological consequences in the long run, NOTABLY the belief that "enjoyable" things (ESP. FOOD, which is DEVASTATING to our understanding of FEASTING & CELEBRATION & simple AFFECTION & CARE) are "INHERENTLY DEMONIC," because they historically resulted in our "BEING POSSESSED" by abusive foni, basically INVARIABLY. ...I don't know when or how this began to change because actually I suspect it DIDN'T, not on any real level, UNTIL NOW. This inpatient environment is OBJECTIVELY HACKERPROOF, and WE CAN FUNCTION AS A SYSTEM HERE. So, suddenly, we are being GIVEN sweet foods by a TRUSTWORTHY, NONABUSIVE, "INDIRECT" AUTHORITY-- allowing us to credit it DIRECTLY TO GOD-- and we are ABLE to READILY & GRATEFULLY ACCEPT them AND EAT THEM WITHOUT FEAR. ...except, I realize with shock, there's NO "DATA" BEING STORED FOR THEM YET? Only blurry general flashes. But it's still progress! Now that we're AWARE of this, we can ENLIST/ SEEK LOTOPHAGOI FOR those foods, TO HOLD DATA! Tomorrow is WAFFLES & SYRUP, we have ICE CREAM & POUND CAKE & an OATMEAL CREME COOKIE coming up as desserts, a BANANA on Monday, & unknown possibilities for snack-- but the point is, ALL of these foods "deep down" STILL ping a major FEAR/ APPREHENSION response, BECAUSE THEY'RE SWEET. Still, it's SO MUCH LESS SCARY that it was years ago. AND, once we get the LOTOPHAGOI involved, that fear WILL be conquered BY LOVE. So THAT'S our goal, ideally. ...But, even now, we CAN & by God's grace we WILL still eat those sweet things TOGETHER. The very idea of that cookie is lowkey terrifying, but WHY? Because it's tied to SOME scary experience in OUR history, and therefore if WE face it & LISTEN/ LOOK for a responding memory & chronological foni, IT CAN BEGIN TO BE HEALED/ TRANSFORMED into REAL SWEETNESS = JOY/ LOVE BECAUSE NOW IT'S BEING BROUGHT "ANEW" INTO OUR EXPERIENCE, with GOOD motives in SAFE circumstances, THANKS BE TO GOD. And that's what we'll start doing at breakfast tomorrow, as we work together to TRULY experience & appreciate sweetness.

✳ WE HAVE TO REPLACE "FEARFUL" FOOD DATA LOG EVENTS WITH "GRATEFUL/ JOYFUL" ONES, SO EAT THEM MINDFULLY!!



prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)
2024-09-27 10:11 am

092724



✳ Our "self-care is to benefit others" insight yesterday, AND group today, made me realize something. I THINK I ACTUALLY LIKE BEING AROUND & TALKING TO PEOPLE. All that unexpressed LOVE in me is ACTIVELY & FINALLY FINDING AN OUTLET here in inpatient, & I THINK I NEED THIS. IT'S WHY I KEEP RUNNING BACK TO MOM. IT'S WHY I STILL WANT A JOB. IT'S WHY I WON'T EVEN QUIT TUMBLR. OUR "PLURALITY" IS JUST ANOTHER EXPRESSION OF OUR INNATE, GOD-GIVEN, HUMAN PURPOSE-- COMMUNION!!! AND WITHOUT IT, THE EATING DISORDER APPARENTLY KICKS IN AS A "SUBSTITUTE." After all, EATING IS COMMUNION BY DESIGN!! And ALL of our past "trauma" situations-- ALL of the people who we considered we "BELONGED" to, & STILL "give power to" as AUTHORITY over us-- INVOLVED BROKEN/ UNREQUITED/ DISHONEST "COMMUNION" = LOVE. I HAVEN'T MOVED ON BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP LOVING THEM & HAVEN'T "FOUND" ANYONE ELSE NOW TO GIVE IT TO?? And the eating disorder was like "bleeding out the overload" out of sheer distress?? OR IS THAT THE "POISON" FEAR??? ALL THE "COMMUNION" WE GOT-- ALL THE "FOOD" FOR OUR HEART & SOUL-- WAS ROTTEN OR TOXIC. No wonder we always ate literal garbage with the eating disorder; we were not only "used to it," but it was "SCAVENGER" behavior: "this is the BEST YOU'LL GET," even the "best you DESERVE"? Or not even "best," but "ONLY"; the FEAR of losing the SCRAPS, out of HUNGER? ALSO "CAN'T SAY NO"-- like I CAN'T "throw ANYTHING out," even CRUMBS? "FAMINE" MINDSET. "UNGRATEFUL." Also childhood meals= "lick your plate clean," like IF YOU DON'T, you WILL STARVE?? "PUNISHMENT." COMPULSIVE FORCEFEEDING. "EAT IT ALL OR YOU WON'T GET ANYTHING LATER"?? NO JOY OR PEACE. But WHY the "looking for MORE"? OR just OF OUR OWN FREE VOLITION? NOT FORCED/ COMPULSIVE; WANTING to ACTUALLY FEEL "FED"?
✳ GARBAGE EATING also MERCY?? "Even IF it got thrown away, there's STILL something EDIBLE left in it; I CAN'T be SO UNGRATEFUL/ UNKIND as to NEGLECT/ IGNORE/ DEVALUE that"?? ALSO in treatment, SCRAPING/ LICKING containers/ peels/ lids/ etc. "PERFECT/ COMPLETIONIST"; "YOU CAN'T THROW AWAY FOOD, EVEN THE SCRAPS." AFRAID = "ALL OR NOTHING" EAT/FEED VS. REJECT/STARVE??? "It's EITHER FOOD OR GARBAGE"?? NO OVERLAP?? And the thought of "throwing something out" UNEATEN/ UNUSED/ UNLOVED?? is almost PAINFUL? Like I HAVE to "RESCUE/ SAVE/ REDEEM it" by EATING IT DOWN TO THE BONE, and EVEN THAT TOO if I can. WHAT IS THIS?? HOW DOES THIS PLAY INTO COMMUNION? Is that something I IDENTIFY WITH? & ALSO with "abuse," "there's STILL GOOD in them/ I STILL LOVE THEM" therefore "I MUST EAT EVEN WHAT OTHERS WOULD CALL GARBAGE"?? ALSO I FEEL LIKE, ONCE IT'S "GARBAGE," I CAN EAT IT AS "MINE"?? (NO COMPULSIVE MIMICRY/ OBEDIENCE?) Like I DON'T DESERVE/ CAN'T CHOOSE "REAL FOOD" (it BELONGS to OTHERS); but THE TRASH IS "MINE"?? It's "ALL I GET." I FEEL SORRY FOR IT. I even LOOK for it. ("PICKING UP THE PIECES DISCARDED")
✳ IS THIS AXIS'S TERRITORY??

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✳The "desert island" exercise in art group today made me realize two very unsettling things... 1) I'm NOT thinking about PHYSICAL CARE/ SURVIVAL, OR 2) OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS IN THAT REGARD. My fellow patients are bringing medkits & tents & knives & water filters, and NONE of that even OCCURRED to me. I'm here thinking "I'll need a solarpowered laptop to write about the experience" and I DIDN'T EVEN CONSIDER that I would need CLOTHING & FOOD & SHELTER & TOOLS. I'm listening to them, stunned & shaken, because IT ALL IS "NEW" TO MY MINDSET. That's SCARY. Of course I'd objectively NEED to eat & sleep, but... the "FUTURE FACT" of that DIDN'T CROSS MY MIND. I like "assumed" I'd just "find" fruits & catch fish I guess, & sleep on the ground. But the FIRST THOUGHT of "what would you bring to a desert island" was "THE BIBLE & A LAPTOP," NOT  THE BODY. OR does my subconscious NOT PRIORITIZE SURVIVAL?? ONLY the "INTERNAL/ ETERNAL"? That explains my schedule!

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✳"WHO can front to handle DISCOMFORT" = WHAT are the RESONANT SUFFERINGS OF EACH COLOR, that we can CARRY TOGETHER & NOT DISSOCIATE/ LEAVE IT TO KAKOFONI OR NEGATIVE SOMAFONI???
✳ OUR PERSPECTIVE MUST SHIFT from COMPLAINT to the CROSS!!!
✳ "OFFER IT UP" REQUIRES GRATITUDE/ LOVE/ TRUST = WORSHIP & SACRIFICE ("MAKE HOLY")!

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✳ My goal today is to "befriend discomfort" & boy I am REALLY uncomfortable with the upsetting realization that my mealplan choices for the weekend are COWARDLY & REPETITIVE. I chose the SAME fruits for EVERY meal, I'm LOOPING cottage cheese, & I ACTIVELY AVOIDED CHALLENGE FOODS. WHY DO I KEEP FALLING BACK INTO LOOPS??? IS THAT JUST THE PATTERN OF MY LIFE? Dude you NEED to get your hands on the Book of Night With Moon & DRAW AN ARROW POINTING UP OUTTA THAT THING!!
...That too. "Arrow." I APPARENTLY HAVEN'T MOVED ON. Those broken arrows are STILL stabbed into OUR heart. ...God we MIGHT NEED INFI BACK. Ze was ESSENTIAL to EVERYTHING during that time: our LOVE, our TRAUMA, our IDENTITY, our ACTIONS. WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO EVEN DISCUSS OUR HISTORY SINCE 2013 WITHOUT DIRECTLY  CONSTANTLY REFERRING TO HIR, AND TO JAY. AND STEP ONE IS READING THE ARCHIVES, AS WE UPLOAD THEM. Those memories have been SUPPRESSED and RUN FROM for SIX SOLID YEARS, if not SEVEN for some. THAT'S INSANE. NO WONDER we're stuck. SO PLEASE, DO THAT IMMEDIATELY UPON DISCHARGE. We CANNOT PUT THIS OFF ANYMORE. IT'S THE UNDENIABLE KEY TO UNLOCK SO MANY MYSTERIES & STRUGGLES, and I GUARANTEE you, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL inevitably be EXCRUCIATING at times, it is ALSO ABSOLUTELY FULL OF LOVE, REAL AND TRUE, AND YOU ALL KNOW IT, "DESPITE" THE TRAUMA. LOVE (GOD) KEPT US ALIVE. So don't be afraid. It WILL wake up our hearts, by FINALLY allowing us to "FILL IN THE GAPS" & CONNECT/ INTEGRATE our PAST & PRESENT, enabling us to REMEMBER the WHOLE PICTURE of WHO WE ARE, WOUNDS & ALL, so that WE CAN BUILD/ CHOOSE/ LIVE A REAL & GENUINE & TRUTHFUL & POSSIBLE FUTURE, TOGETHER, IN RECOVERY from ALL the tragedy of our ACTUAL PAST... with NO HIDING, NO DENIAL, NO HATRED, NO BITTERNESS, AT LONG LAST. And with THAT 7-year wound HEALED (and kissed), we can be FREE TO FULLY & JOYFULLY FORGIVE IN TOTALITY & DEVOTE OURSELF UNRESERVEDLY TO GOD'S SERVICE & GLORY. That "void" IS holding us back currently, because we CAN'T GIVE that part of ourselves AND history TO God IF WE CAN'T "HOLD" IT ENOUGH TO SURRENDER IT ENTIRELY TO HIM!!

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LOTOPHAGOI WE NEED (esp. inpatient) =
✳ MILK = "BABY CHERUB" to DRINK it; HEAL "baby" fear? TRUE PURPOSE OF MILK! INNOCENT
✳ COTCHS/ YOG = "HOLY COW." SACRIFICIAL (LOVE) ANIMAL + MOTHERHOOD?  (+BEEF?? OR A ?)
✳ FRUIT JUICE = BUTTERFLY/ HUMMINGBIRD?? "Nectar" similarity & "dignification" of context
✳ APPLESAUCE = ASTRONAUT?? "FIRST FOOD EATEN IN SPACE." OR AN ALIEN? (this food is SPECIAL to BOTH)
✳ FRUIT CUPS = GROUP ↑ ? ✳ONLY CERTAIN FRUITS COME CUT UP IN CUPS. DISTINCTION IS ESSENTIAL! (PEACHES/ PINEAPPLE/ PAPAYA?) (BIRDS AT ZOO? (FEED))
✳ "KIDS MEALS" (chicken tenders, mac & cheese, etc.?) (CAN'T BE "GROUPED"; INDIVIDUAL ASSOCIATIONS)
✳ SUNBUTTER = tough because it's DENSE; vibe too "heavy" for a flower/ fairy? 

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✳ IF YOU COULD TELL/ TALK TO MOM ABOUT ANYTHING IN A LETTER:
● She NEEDS to understand that the eating disorder is TIED TO THE "SLAVE" MINDSET & THE GENDER FEAR & the SEXUAL TRAUMA. The latter is old new & (to me) easy to explain: I didn't want to "grow up to be a woman." I didn't want to get married OR like boys OR have sex & therefore babies. I saw a picture of a young adult male in a teen mag at age 13 & IMMEDIATELY thought, "I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THAT." And since I associated womanhood with FAT = breasts = curves, I STOPPED EATING during the day in an attempt to PREVENT that change, AND perhaps "insulate/ protect" myself from the PROFOUNDLY INVASIVE experience of sharing meals, ESPECIALLY with peers (STRANGERS & often HYPERSEXUAL/ SECULAR) in a FORCED & ARTIFICIAL setting/ environment, AND WORSE because I'd be EXPECTED/ FORCED to TALK = SELFDISCLOSURE = "STRIPPED & INVADED." Ironically/ revealingly, I WAS ACTUALLY & ONLY COMFORTABLE EATING around GIRLS I LIKED, because that "almost shared" meal was the ONLY WAY I COULD FEEL CLOSE TO/ WANTED & ACCEPTED & WELCOMED by them. (Mary/ AAA) Part of me wished I could eat with boys? NOT out of "attraction" BUT because I wanted to BE LIKE THEM? Strong, funny, athletic, comedic, self-confident, and with that "TOMBOY FIRE" I felt FORCED to CRUSH in that school uniform skirt & brassiere. Furthermore, I sensed that MAYBE I'd be loved BY the girls IF I were "more like" a boy? Although I ALREADY wanted to LOOK/ ACT more like a boy for my OWN personal gender reasons, NOW I saw they had a "ROLE" IN RELATIONSHIPS AND I WANTED THAT ROLE. But I digress. This ALL messed with eating mostly because I was now FASTING DAILY for 12+ hours on average, & as I got older & the body DID change & I experienced MORE frequent & horrific abuse at Julie's hands (exacerbated by social/ cultural/ media exposure), EATING in GENERAL became terrifying, & I began to HIDE when I ate/ eat PRIVATELY out of SHAME/ FEAR/ TRAUMA OVERLAP. BUT this early we WEREN'T in the "slave" mindset; our meals were still BY DEFAULT decided by the fam, & we had NO OPPORTUNITY/ REASON to choose "association foods" because we had NO "authorities" OUTSIDE of the fam (& we all ate the SAME)... EXCEPT FANDOMS, WHICH IS A HUGE REALIZATION BTW-- this is WHY our "favorite foods" weren't even things we "liked," but were things our favorite CHARACTERS liked or were associated with (tunafish, apples, blackberries, etc.). But the "SLAVE" but STARTED with SALT LAKE CITY in ~2009. This is ALSO (I think) WHEN the PILFER/ SCAVENGER mentality BEGAN in earnest. I was STARVING from NEGLECT on EVERY LEVEL OF MY EXISTENCE, and out of both desperation & heartache I just started to "TAKE WHAT I COULD GET." ...I wonder if this was ALSO a "KICKBACK" from the CONSTANT GIVING, but NEVER REPLENISHING THE STORES, because FOOD IS COMMUNION & I HAD NONE. No WONDER I was so determined & yearning to "go back HOME to my FAMILY." ...and I think it's why I STILL feel that way. Humans are LITERALLY MADE FOR THOSE THINGS, BY GOD'S DESIGN. Heaven is our TRUE home. The Church is our TRUE family. And I've KNOWN that deep down ALL MY LIFE, but it DOESN'T INVALIDATE THE WORLDLY REFLECTION OF IT either. Home & family IS where we are FIRST FED & FIRST ENTER INTO COMMUNION/ COMMUNITY, FROM BIRTH. And when we LOSE or LACK that, I think that something in our souls (as GOD'S children) SEEKS that out of REAL HUNGER. And I do. And so I MUST set my heart ON GOD'S KINGDOM. ONLY HE CAN satisfy my poor starving soul.



prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2024-09-26 05:10 am

092624


Today we went to the unit art show in the gym, and me & Laurie walked around together looking at art & eating cheese cubes & crackers & apple cider. It was genuinely so simply joyous.
THAT'S the life we want-- free, full of gratitude & wonder, lived TOGETHER in mutual love.

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Reading "The Gospel According to Jesus" this morning revealed something HUGE= Deep down, I "WANT" TO BE A "DOULOS"-- A SLAVE. One "whose VERY EXISTENCE is DEFINED BY her service to another" to whom she "BELONGS." Therefore "she LACKS PERSONAL FREEDOM/ RIGHTS" as "her HUMAN AUTONOMY is SET ASIDE" and "AN ALIEN WILL TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER HER OWN"-- she is "LEGALLY FORCED" to give "TOTAL, UNQUALIFIED SUBMISSION to the CONTROL & DIRECTIVES of a higher AUTHORITY" = her "MASTER," who DID NOT HAVE TO GIVE HER "WAGES" BECAUSE SHE WAS PROPERTY, "WITHOUT SOCIAL STANDING OR RIGHTS." A "doulos" is "DEPENDENT ON HER LORD," OBLIGATED TO SERVICE NOT BY CHOICE BUT BY LEGAL SUBJECTION. A slave HAS TO DO WHAT SHE IS TOLD, WHETHER SHE WANTS TO OR NOT, WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT. SHE CANNOT SAY "NO," EVER. SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO. And THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I SEE MYSELF. WHY.
✳ TWO things: in TRUTH, my ONLY "LORD & MASTER" IS JESUS CHRIST. Literally NO ONE ELSE has authority over me. I am BOUND TO OBEY GOD ALONE. And GOD IS TRUTH & BEAUTY & LOVE. That's the SECOND thing: EVEN in my compulsive "slavery" mindset to PEOPLE, I LOVE THEM and so MY "SLAVERY" IS BY CHOICE AS LONG AS THAT ENDURES. This, however, causes TERRIBLE CONFLICT & FRIGHTFUL CONFUSION/ PARALYSIS when I "TRY TO BE A SLAVE TO TWO MASTERS." IF MOM wants one thing & GRANDMA wants another, or TBAS is in opposition to TAS, or even worse if ALL OF THEM ARE "GIVING CONFLICTING ORDERS"-- then WHO DO I SURRENDER MY WILL TO? WHOSE SLAVE AM I? Because technically I CAN'T "be OWNED by" them ALL... I CAN'T "BELONG TO" them all. AND PART OF ME "WANTS" TO, although the thought TERRIFIES her, because it REQUIRES that she "SET ASIDE her HUMAN AUTONOMY." I become SUBHUMAN inevitably-- an animal, an object, mere property-- but I'm "USEFUL." I'm "WANTED." I "BELONG" to someone. It's HEARTBREAKING as much as it's SICKENING. And the ONLY WAY OUT IS LITERALLY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST THAT ACTUALLY "BOUGHT ME". I BELONG TO GOD. And THEREFORE I MUST "SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD." NOT trying to please/ appease/ entertain people from my past. THAT'S the REAL truth. But... I feel like I'm "TRYING TO SELL MYSELF"???
✳ Continuing the "SLAVERY" topic BECAUSE THAT is POWERFULLY impacting/ directing our ENTIRE SCHEDULE. I think I'M somehow treating the FACT that "I BELONG TO GOD, AS A SLAVE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS" (ROM 6:18) with fatal misunderstanding/ imprudent application? Like I WANT & NEED my life to REVOLVE AROUND GOD, around the CATHOLIC CHURCH/ RELIGION that HE established & IN WHICH IS MY LIFE & SALVATION. But... I don't know how to "fit anything else in." "Nothing else IS needed," I think. "ONLY God is necessary." But AM I LIMITING GOD?? If I "can't eat until I pray/ adore/ go to Mass," and the hospital ORDERED me to eat MORE, how do I reconcile OBEDIENCE to BOTH, if GOD is BOTH PRIORITY AND the One Who PUT me under that lesser authority? If my body "NEEDS" to eat & sleep & exercise & work & play, but I feel COMPELLED AS A SLAVE to ONLY do explicitly religious activities to the EXCLUSION of "worldly" "needs," am I dishonoring God by "confining" Him AND worship of Him TO "only religious activities"? AND am I even ALLOWED to "cut down"/ alter my strict prayer schedule? Is it WRONG to want to go to the gym if it will conflict with Adoration AND breakfast? And what about creative work & journaling, if that time must be taken away from religious lectures? Do I HAVE to go to two Masses a day if that prevents me from eating? HOW DO I BALANCE BODY & SPIRIT? WHY AM I PUTTING THEM IN CONFLICT??

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Okay dude let's TALK MEALPLANS because this is OUR RESPONSIBILITY IN RECOVERY.
✳ LAVENDER BK needs 3 FRUITS. In general, ALL the plans MANDATE 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY!!! So, on the unit, to avoid too much volume at once (esp. with fiber) we will HAVE to do JUICE. That can actually be COOL because we can COMBINE them and see what results, haha. Just be prudent, not stupidly "bingey" in making "SLOP" out of DISTINCT WHOLE FOODS. You have the SAME PROBLEM WITH CONDIMENTS. Seriously, for FREEDOM & HONOR'S SAKE, STOP ADDING BUTTER & MAYO & SALAD DRESSING TO EVERYTHING and JUST ENJOY FOOD PLAIN, LIKE YOU WANT!
✳ We're in a cottage cheese loop with ALL meals & we SHOULD vary that with an EGG once daily. But SHOULD we eat the string cheese stick? Because we're avoiding it due to 1) overprocessing & 2) I don't want to "become that food," or rather, "take on" the "image" of "the KIND OF PERSON" who eats plastic-wrapped cheese products. It's a "BAD" vibe; it feels GROSS & SICK & ARTIFICIAL. We want to be the "kind of person" who eats WHOLE FOODS, NOT THE "CHEAP/ PROCESSED" STUFF that, to us, FEELS LIKE BINGE FOOD? Because THAT action "DENATURED" real food into SLOP, and processed food is "already closer to nonfood" than a "real" item like the egg OR cottage cheese (minimal, clean ingredients). BUT ARE WE JUDGING TOO MUCH?? Honestly I THINK SO. We're NOT FREE to MEET ALL OCCASIONS GOD OFFERS TO US, and NOT FREE to SHARE in ALL HUMAN EXPERIENCE WITH FOOD, IF WE REJECT/ REFUSE "WHAT WE ARE GIVEN/ SHARING IN" out of ALOOF/ PROUD/ FEARFUL MORAL JUDGMENT. THAT is DISORDERED.
✳ This begs the question: ARE WE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE THE "HEALTHIER"/ "CLEANER" (RESO) OPTION IF THE ALTERNATIVE IS A FOOD ON THAT "COMPULSIVE" LIST, TIED TO OTHER PEOPLE? MUST WE ALWAYS CHOOSE THE "CHALLENGE/ OBLIGATORY" OPTION IF IT WOULD "MAKE US FEEL SICK/ UNSATISFIED/ SHAKEN"? IS THAT SELFISH? IS THAT A SIN PUNISHABLE BY DEATH? There was PIZZA & POT PIE on the menu and we DIDN'T CHOOSE THEM because PIZZA is tied to LOTS of upsetting memories (esp. CNC, & childhood pizza parties/ social panic) And SO IS the POT PIE (binges, poverty), and honestly we DON'T "LIKE" EITHER. DO WE? ARE WE ALLOWED TO "DISLIKE" FOOD? Are we going to pay in blood for this? WHY CAN'T WE GET OVER THIS COMPULSION/ FEAR??? IF I DON'T LIKE salty sausage & kielbasa, IS THAT "EVIL" OF ME if PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT DO LIKE IT??
✳ AND HOW DOES THIS AFFECT MY ACTUALLY LIKING FOODS? THAT gives me the SAME FEELING OF PANICKED FEAR & EXPECTING BRUTAL PUNISHMENT. IS THIS THE "SLAVE MIND" TOO?? "I HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIKE ANYTHING "OF MYSELF"??" "I AM OBLIGATED TO ONLY LIKE WHAT MY "OWNERS" (CONTROLLERS) LIKE"? HOW DO I "ADMIT/ ASSERT" MY "OWN" "LIKES" WITHOUT SIN? WHY IS ENJOYING SOMETHING OF MY OWN EXPERIENCE A SIN? WHY IS PERSONAL PREFERENCE A SIN??? WHY IS ANYTHING RELATING TO "MY" "UNIQUE" EXISTENCE & "AUTONOMY" A DAMNABLE SIN??? Why am I "not allowed" to have any "self-related" action or thought whatsoever?
AND ONCE AGAIN, LO AND BEHOLD, THE SYSTEM CAN DEAL WITH THIS. We have lotophagoi. We choose TOGETHER. We REASON out our decisions FOR OUR COMMON GOOD & the CARE of OUR BODY & MIND, WHILE RESPECTING OTHERS. Yes the fears ↑ are STILL THERE & we NEED to discuss & feel & work through them TOGETHER, and we WILL & WANT TO, but AS we untangle & heal that, WE CAN & DO STILL FUNCTION IN LOVE. That DEFINES us & it's the ONLY THING that will sustain us through this, that & GOD'S GRACE IN THAT LOVE AS HE LOVES & GUIDES US. Please, keep reminding ourself of that. Do NOT drown in the fears & lies. Clear your eyes & mind BY this love & KEEP GOING.

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✳ We had to choose mealplan foods today & it took me almost 2 HOURS because I kept worrying that my choices were somehow "WRONG." I kept feeling like I "HAVE TO" eat bananas for breakfast "BECAUSE" I don't "like" them & THEREFORE I MUST "GO THROUGH CONVERSION THERAPY" basically. It's FORCEFEEDING UNTIL I "ENJOY IT." THAT'S RAPE-ANALOGOUS BEHAVIOR. I'm "NOT ALLOWED" to have apples instead because I "LIKE" them? Or DO I? How do I trust/ accept that? AND am I making the WRONG choice by having an apple INSTEAD of an orange? Which is wiser? I'm terrified that I made a stupid decision & now I CAN'T FIX IT, which translates as "PUNISHMENT FOR SIN" & just corrupts innocent foods in my mangled perception. STOP. Put it in Jesus's Hands. I have apples with breakfast because it's nice to start the day with their clean crunch & they're faster/ cleaner to eat which allows for earlier completion so we can get coffee. And we eat oranges with lunch because they often pair well with the entree (esp. fish). But... we can easily try switching them & see how that works FOR US. We're STILL GETTING NUTRITION. But... I feel so guilty about the bananas. I just "panic" because having them WITH waffles & syrup is just too much sugar bro. BUT IS THAT "LETTING FEAR CONTROL ME"?? I'll have to man up & have one EVERY OTHER DAY from now on, to keep up variety & "get used to them." I really DON'T WANT to see them as "DANGEROUS" because they're NOT. So we'll heal that, thank You God for showing us this. BUT it's the FRUIT FEAR in general, which we MUST face in the higher mealplans WITH LOVE, because FRUIT = EDEN, remember! It's GOOD! So we MUST get to a place where we CAN CHOOSE FREELY from a VARIETY of EQUALLY GOOD/ COMFORTABLE (IDEAL GOAL) OPTIONS, WITHOUT FRAMING IT AS A "MORAL JUDGMENT" OR "SLAVE COMPULSION"!!! We NEED to be JOYFULLY FREE. And that WILL INCLUDE BANANAS, AND JUICE! It WON'T "KILL US" OR "MAKE US DIABETIC." Food is MEDICINE and ESPECIALLY FRUITS & VEGETABLES & WHOLE FOODS. CREATION IS GOOD. FOOD IS GOOD. STOP LABELING FOODS AS "WRONG" OUT OF MORAL PANIC. And STOP RELIVING TRAUMA THROUGH FOOD; THAT'S ABUSING IT AND YOURSELF. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" WHEN THAT'S THE INTENTION!!!

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✳ "Positive affirmations" are SO DIFFICULT because "if they AREN'T "ABSOLUTE" & UNWAVERING, then they're LIES"??? Like the best I can do is say "I TRY to/ WANT to be good" in countless ways. BUT ironically that "minimizes" the times I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN kind/ honest/ merciful/ helpful/ etc.? And the MORE I STRIVE, the EASIER & MORE FREQUENT such REAL GOODNESS BECOMES. And yet ALL IT TAKES is ONE moment of weakness where I act "badly" and it corrupts EVERYTHING. It's "all or nothing" morality and it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN SCRIPTURE SAYS SO!!! THAT DOESN'T "DOOM" US THOUGH BECAUSE OF CHRIST'S MERCIFUL LOVE. YOU GET TO TRY AGAIN. YOU GET TO BE FORGIVEN. YOU GET TO GROW INTO HOLINESS DAILY.
✳ "Affirmations" should DESCRIBE the GRACE-FILLED IDEAL GOAL OF SAINTHOOD, that you ARE CALLED TO & ENABLED TO BY THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO WANTS YOU TO BE THAT SAINT-SELF HE MADE YOU TO BE. So affirmations are ACTUALLY THE OPPOSITE of lies, because affirmations SPEAK THE TRUTH OF GOD'S DESIGN & PLANS FOR ME, & HELP ME TO "TUNE MYSELF" TO THEIR SONG.
WORDS ARE CHRIST'S POWER & GIFT SO DON'T LET THE DEVIL ABUSE THEM (BLASPHEMY)!!! SPEAKING VIRTUE INTO MY LIFE, "ACTUALIZING" THEIR POTENTIAL, IS SPIRITUAL COMBAT!!
✳ "YOUR FAITH HAS SAVED YOU." YOU NEED TO TRUST THE GOOD WORDS & GOOD NEWS!! ALL THOSE NEGATIVE BEATDOWNS ARE UNWORTHY OF TRUST BECAUSE THEY ACTIVELY PREVENT YOU FROM LIVING IN THE TRUTH OF YOUR DEEPEST IDENTITY AS A SAVED CHILD OF GOD. (and WHY are you saved? Because you LOVE GOD & BELIEVE JESUS LIVES & TRUST HIM AS LORD) (btw CHRIST WANTS TO SAVE YOU. He will NEVER turn you away. So KEEP RUNNING BACK TO HIM.)

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✳ IS IT "OKAY" TO EAT "JUNK FOODS" (like poptarts for snack option) OR WILL THAT "CHANGE OUR VIBE/ IDENTITY" TO BE "JUNK"??? We feel like we HAVE to eat EVERY snack option ESPECALLY if it "scares us" = "is unhealthy." BUT we NEVER SEEM TO "GET OVER" THE FEAR, which MEANS there's a DEEPER ROOT to ALL of it, and it's the FEAR OF CORRUPTION/ PARASITIC REPLACEMENT VIA INGESTION. Basically "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT." THAT IS THE CORE FEAR when you get all the way down, and it is EXPLICITLY TIED TO SEXABUSE/ "OWNERSHIP" = "I MUST EAT ONLY & WHATEVER THEY EAT, SO THAT I WILL LOSE MY SELF AND BECOME THEM." BECAUSE "THEY OWN ME" & I CANNOT BE "IN OPPOSITION TO" THEIR "AUTHORITATIVE WILL." A SLAVE MUST CONFORM. THIS IS WHY I "HUNT FOR FOOD" WHEN I GO INTO HOUSES-- I'VE BEEN PLACED UNDER "NEW AUTHORITY" & I "MUST REPLACE MY SELF WITH THEIRS" BY EATING WHAT THEY EAT-- and "you ARE what you eat"-- so I'M PREEMPTIVELY CONFORMING MY SENSE OF SELF TO THEIRS, even symbolically. BUT EATING ALSO ECHOES SEX, and the very act of eating makes me ALREADY feel VULNERABLE/ INVADED/ TAKEN OVER BY FORCE? It's a means of "making me ready to be used"/ "to BE eaten." It's hard to put into words. BUT if I'm "WILLINGLY" EATING YOUR FOOD, I'M "SAYING" THAT I'M "READY TO BE USED/ TAKEN OVER/ OWNED BY YOU." I'm DELETING MYSELF & REPLACING IT WITH YOURS VIA FOOD. And my manic babbling "to entertain" the whole time is a direct result of that. I'm SCARED and I have to DROWN OUT MY SELF with NOISE/ DISTRACTION SO I DON'T FIGHT BACK/ RESIST. The food is COMPULSIVE/ ABUSIVE/ DEPERSONALIZING & SO IS THE TALKING. It's a LIVING HELL and it NEEDS TO STOP OR WE WILL DIE, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY!!!

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✳ It is VERY DIFFICULT for me to do ANYTHING for "self-care" WITHOUT STILL TRYING TO DIRECT IT OUTWARDS TO CARE FOR OTHERS!! Like I view EVEN PERSONAL HYGIENE ultimately as something I MUST DO FOR OTHER PEOPLE. It's like all other motivations are null. If they're not serving somebody else, they're invalid. I apparently see myself as... well. As INHERENTLY PLURAL. Go figure. EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO THAT. When I DENY/ IGNORE/ SUPPRESS the System, MY WHOLE LIFE FALLS TO PIECES. And, yes, THEY KEEP ME RELIGIOUS, TOO. I'm MORE FAITHFUL WITH THEM then ALONE (NO COMMUNION).


prismaticbleed: (worried)
2024-09-23 03:48 pm

092324 TBHU TREATMENT PLAN WEAKNESS NOTES


"Weaknesses" in treatment plan outline/ treatment plan points to discuss

● LIMITED SUPPORT SYSTEM = OUTSIDE, not INSIDE! And we CANNOT pretend we DON'T need one, because WE MUST LIVE IN THE BODY NOW, which means LIVING IN COMMUNITY, which man was CREATED FOR (RELATIONSHIP) and which is NECESSARY to be HUMBLE & CHARITABLE. Of course therapists do help, & crisis lines. But we SHOULD seek support in the context of a SPECIFIC focus support GROUP? or even just the CHURCH! And PHYSICAL interaction is preferable so we LEARN (not in theory) TO EXIST not just IN THE BODY but as a PERSON/ in a SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT. This WILL take time & effort and honestly right now it's SCARY & EXHAUSTING because OUR "SELF" ISN'T STABLE ENOUGH YET TO DO THIS?? So THAT is PRIORITY. It WILL require "setting boundaries," "asserting needs," etc. WITHOUT isolating OR preventing vulnerability & openness.
● A BIG step TOWARDS this IS IMPROVING OUR FAMILY RELATIONS which we DESPERATELY WANT. The problem is, DO THEY EVEN WANT TO BE AROUND ME? If not, I understand. But I MUST BECOME the kind of person they COULD want to be around. And THAT striving to become a better person for them WILL allow me to be that better self SOCIALLY. It really is self-denial & the Cross, for CHARITY'S SAKE. And again, I MUST TAKE INITIATIVE, yet STILL BE PATIENT & HUMBLE. THEY STILL MIGHT NOT WANT YOU. And so, ultimately, our TRUE motivation for this MUST BE GOD. We're striving to obey the 4th Commandment for HIS sake, NOT for ANY earthly rewards. So DON'T RELAPSE OR DESPAIR, EVEN IF YOUR EFFORTS TO RECOVER & BECOME KIND MEAN NOTHING TO YOUR FAMILY. I actually CAN'T do this JUST "for them" or I'll COLLAPSE. My ULTIMATE end MUST BE TO HONOR GOD, IN honoring my family, EVEN IF MY FAMILY REJECTS ME STILL. I'll have set my real goal higher, one that of course INCLUDES them IN LOVE, but DOESN'T make THEIR REACTION the "deciding factor" of my efforts to "be GOOD" for REAL. ONLY GOD IS THAT JUDGE FOR REAL! Love Him AND love your fam FOR Him too! 
In the event that my family DOES reject me, I NEED REAL FRIENDS. I've NEVER HAD ANY. And deep down I still wonder about relationships. But that's too much to even consider right now (due to guilt & shame & fear). Inevitably, these friendships MUST HAVE GOD AS THE TRANSCENDENT THIRD. But Lord knows I YEARN to pour myself out for someone, to really LOVE them, & HELP them, and ideally yes I WANT to PROTECT them, which always comes up when I think about this. I'll need to give that deeper thought elsewhere; it MIGHT be a REROUTING of Jay's FATHERHOOD instinct. In any case, I do want to learn HOW to have REAL, SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS, esp. where to FIND or LOOK for them. My only map: CHURCH. And I must FIRST become a TRUE "FRIEND" MYSELF FIRST. I CAN'T HAVE A FRIEND IF I CAN'T RESPOND MUTUALLY TO THEIR LOVE. If I'm too bloody self-obsessed TO be truly supportive, the friendship will rot. I WANT TO BE THE FRIEND YOU CAN RELY ON EVEN AT 3AM. And honestly? THAT WEIGHTY OF A VIRTUOUS DISPOSITION HAS TO BE FED. You have to START SMALL but BE CONSISTENT & TAKE EVERY CHANCE YOU GET TO STRENGTHEN THAT VIRTUE BY MAKING IT HABITUAL. PRAY for those chances AND the GRACE TO RESPOND to them READILY & WITH COURAGEOUS LOVE. And God IS giving you those changes WITH YOUR FAMILY. Which brings us, fittingly, back around to "NEEDS." There WILL be "conflicts" but they CAN BE RESOLVED TO MUTUAL BENEFIT, IF I PUT THIS VIRTUOUS EFFORT IN. If I, through recovery, gain the INNER FREEDOM TO find ways to meet my needs WITHOUT DENYING OTHERS, then I can READILY & INSTANTLY JUMP TO SERVE, "ON CALL," knowing that BY GOD'S PROVIDENCE I CAN STILL MEET THEIR NEEDS AND GOD WILL MEET MINE IN DUE TIME. And He HAS DONE THIS ALREADY, CONSISTENTLY. HIS LOVE FOR YOU IS REAL. TRUST IT, & RELY ON HIM!!
● "Haven't learned how to plan for the future" = first, I was convinced I'd die at age 20 so I never planned. I had my first suicide attempt around that age ironically. When I didn't die & hit age 21 I was SO LOST. And that's SECOND = I "gave control of my life" to SLC/ CNC/ UPMC basically. I STILL WAS UNABLE TO EVEN IMAGINE A FUTURE because I was STILL JUST SURVIVING DAY TO DAY, and dictating ALL my behavior & "choices" according to ARBITRARY AUTHORITY. I was either INCAPABLE (trauma) of or FORBIDDEN (obedient submission) to plan for ANY sort of PERSONAL FUTURE. The FIRST TIME that's EVER CHANGED, & VERY SUDDENLY, was in 2022 when Grandma died & I moved out & I HAD NOTHING TO GO BACK TO & NO ACTIVE AUTHORITY DIRECTING ME. So I FLAILED for a while, "defaulting" to PAST "orders," and STILL JUST "LIVING TO SURVIVE." I still felt like I wasn't GOING to have a future, ESPECIALLY not "of my own"?? How could I even IMAGINE it when my life had ALWAYS been marked by a series of SUDDEN DRAMATIC UNEXPECTED TRAUMA that CHANGED EVERYTHING & therefore DESTROYED ALL PREVIOUS "PLANS" for the future because THAT future was NO LONGER POSSIBLE? It's utterly devastating & after a while you just stop planning. Getting through today safely becomes all you CAN "plan for" & it FUELS that sort of "tomorrow doesn't exist" mindset? It's why I struggle even with the concept of "leftovers." What if I don't wake up tomorrow? What if a bomb hits? What if I am forcibly evicted? And these "anxieties" DON'T occur AS "what ifs"; I DON'T "think about" them really because ultimately, I EXPECT ALL THOSE "WHAT IFS" TO END IN DEATH. So why even "plan" how to SURVIVE, if you WON'T? Deep down, some key part of my mind is just RESIGNED TO DYING, and IMMINENTLY. But WHY is that STILL so strong in my psyche?? What are its TRUE ROOTS, the roots that convinced teen me that I'd never survive to adulthood? Even in the League, I saw AGE 16 as a "full life" & COULDN'T EVEN CONCEPTUALIZE ADULTHOOD. Is THAT PART OF THIS?? ESPECIALLY WITH THE ANOREXIA? Do I feel like I CAN ONLY "EXIST" AS A CHILD?? Do I see adulthood/ maturation AS DEATH?? And, even if I COULD become a child again, how WOULD I "see the future" ahead if I DIDN'T WANT TO "GROW UP"? Does that very child mindset lock me into a "perpetual TODAY" that unfortunately inevitably makes it IMPOSSIBLE to ACTUALLY live IN REALITY NOW as an adult who NEEDS to PROVIDE for themselves AND plan for the future as PART of that effort?
✳ BUT I'm realizing that IT DOESN'T REGISTER AS "SELF" CARE??? I DON'T SEE THIS (THIN) ADULT BODY AS ME. AND "WHICH" 'ME'" IS DRIVING? I'M CHRONOLOGICALLY SLICED. There are MULTIPLE JEWELS AND MULTIPLE JESSICAS, AND WE HAVEN'T HAD A "NAME" IN EARNEST SINCE THE JAY BLOODLINE DIED. The "Spinel hair" fugue is still a mystery, but EVERYONE knows how unstable we were coming back around 2023, because there were TWO FATAL INTERNAL TRAUMAS; the forced destruction of the Jay bloodline FUTURE, and Infinitii's subsequent death (in light of trauma affecting the present). And honestly, INSIDE, THAT'S the stuck point. Those two were our ONLY STABLE IDENTITY, AND OUR FIRST & ONLY HOPE FOR AN ADULT FUTURE, even if in the end it proved impossible. But they COULD "LOOK FORWARD." Now, without them, we have to learn HOW to again-- and STEP ONE is STABILIZING OUR CORE, AND THEIR NAME!!! We CAN'T plan for the future of our WHOLE self, BODY AND SOUL, WITHOUT THAT PLANNING BEING INTO A "NEW" CORE THAT INHABITS BOTH. And ironically, WE HAVEN'T HAD THAT SINCE we were a child! REMEMBER, BY 2003 IT WAS SPLIT (J/J bloodlines)! So we're OVER 2 DECADES "LATE" IN THIS. But better late than never. ALSO, did the CELEBI split happen EARLIER (poke2 & 2001)?? Geez this is ANCIENT. Still, it's explaining a LOT. Bottom line is THIS: WE HAVE TO DARE TO HOPE, IF ONLY FOR GOD'S SAKE. Even if we DO die tonight, we CAN'T SUCCUMB TO DESPONDENCY. We MUST LIVE, even if only for 5 more minutes. OUR LIFE IS BIGGER THAN US & WE ARE A STEWARD OF THIS GIFT. So we HAVE to think of THEIR FUTURE TOO.
● "Physical/ mental problems" that would be WEAKNESSES during recovery? The ONLY thing I know immediately is that I CAN'T REALLY RECOVER IF I IGNORE THE SYSTEM. I ALSO know that if I DON'T FACE OUR REAL TRAUMA HISTORY HEAD-ON, those denied/ buried horrors WILL CONTINUE TO FUEL DISORDERED BEHAVIOR, EITHER through the eating disorder OR through some OTHER form of addictive, numbing, self-abusive behavior cycles. The BAD ROOTS are giving us ROTTEN FRUITS, which is ironically VERY applicable TO our eating disorder trauma. If we don't DIG THEM UP & DEAL WITH THEM, they will only perpetuate the mental problems, and poison us to boot. We have to UPROOT that ENTIRE "TREE" branching out from the trauma, then TILL that ground, PLANT GOOD SEEDS, and NOURISH THEM TO GROW INTO GOOD FOOD, AS GOD INTENDED US TO BE, for HEALING & JOY & COMMUNION & LOVE between US & PEOPLE & GOD.
● "Physical problems" are baffling me. How would such a thing be a "weakness" in eating disorder recovery? Maybe just the IBS & GERD being potential "behavior triggers" when they flare up. But otherwise, my only OTHER obstacles are ENVIRONMENTAL, such as a lack of available transportation & limited access to stores & limited finances. But we can make it work! We CAN walk to the Dollar store & drug stores in a pinch, & the bus DOES go to at least two local grocery stores, so we'll have to try that one day, just to open up that option. AND, now that we're learning to be more free/ less stubborn & controlling with food, we CAN use what we get in food drives, AND maybe if we budget it we CAN once in a while buy a meal at a local restaurant! So there ARE things we CAN work on to continue & expand recovery. We just HAVE TO PUT THE EFFORT IN FOR EFFORT'S SAKE, so to speak. WE CAN'T CHICKEN OUT. We must BUILD THE VIRTUES OF DISCIPLINE, & COURAGE, & REAL RIGHTEOUS OBEDIENCE. If we DON'T work to "expand our comfort zone" and be more ACTIVE & INVOLVED IN OUR LOCAL COMMUNITY, we'll SHRINK back down into self-centered fear. We HAVE TO GROW BEYOND OUR SELF. And we MUST get friendlier WITH OUT NEIGHBORS, which will FINALLY BE POSSIBLE when you're NOT SHACKLING YOURSELF TO RIGID EATING RULES & TIMES. When you DON'T "HAVE TO" only eat CERTAIN foods at CERTAIN times and in CERTAIN ways, then you're FREE to MEET & JOIN OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR SPACES. And God knows I LOVE PEOPLE and I WANT TO DO THAT. So PLANT THE SEEDS. START LAYING A FOUNDATION TO BUILD VIRTUE. You HAVE to start SMALL like a mustard seed & CARE for it so it CAN GROW & FLOURISH & BECOME A CHANNEL/ SOURCE OF GOOD FOR OTHERS! You NEED to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE IN THE FIELD. You WILL get stronger AS you eat. Your SOUL will get stronger AS you FEED IT VIRTUE, ESPECIALLY CHARITY. And NO ONE CAN EAT ALONE. IT'S ALL GIFT, ALL COMMUNION. That applies to ALL food (LIFE), EVEN METAPHOR & CONCEPT & SYMBOL. Please remember this.
● I'm not too worried about "failed treatment attempts" because I will ALWAYS KEEP ATTEMPTING. That's why I'm here. It's DETERMINED HOPE. And those past treatments DIDN'T actually "fail." I DID heal & recover & learn & grow in REAL, TRUE WAYS, and I DIDN'T & CANNOT lose that progress, EVEN when I "relapsed." I STILL CANNOT EVER "GO BACK" TO "BEFORE TREATMENT." We KEEP GOING.
● "All or nothing" thinking  = this is tied to the "no future" distortion? It's an attempt to AVOID RELATIVISM & LUKEWARMNESS on one level, a "fear of grey" because that "ignores the DISTINCTION between BLACK & WHITE"? It's CONTAMINATION FEAR. "DON'T MAKE IT IMPURE." I'm so afraid of NOT BEING GOOD that I'll go to extremes & ironically PERPETUATE "bad behavior" because B&W absolutist thinking IS AN OBSTACLE TO MERCY??? Like, "you've already fallen so far, you CAN'T be good unless you're BLEACHED." And I MUST discern the PROPER "middle ground," NOT a "grey space" BUT a striving FOR WHITE (virtue, goodness, HOLINESS), while IMITATING CHRIST in OFFERING JUST MERCY. Black is STILL BLACK. Sin is ALWAYS SIN. It's NOT GREY. But you DON'T HAVE TO BE STUCK THERE, THANKS TO THE CROSS! So LOOK THERE when the black overwhelms you. KEEP REPENTING. KEEP CONVERTING. GOD IS ALWAYS WASHING YOU CLEAN IN HIS MERCY, ESPECIALLY THROUGH CONFESSION, which CALLS OUT SIN for EXACTLY WHAT IT IS, black as tar... in order to RESTORE you TO PURITY BY CHRIST'S BLOOD. "All or nothing" is ironically TRUE, because GOD IS ALL & SIN IS NOTHINGNESS. But DON'T DESPAIR, because "nothingness" CAN'T WIN. Just GET BACK UP IMMEDIATELY & run into your loving Father's waiting & open embrace.
✳ I AM WAY TOO PRONE TO SUGGESTIONS/ "IMPLANTED" THOUGHTS. This is disturbing & is TIED DIRECTLY into my self-distrust, "appeasement" instinct, & history of gaslighting? I IMMEDIATELY "default" to WHATEVER others TELL me I am or am not feeling, even if deep down I "know" it's wrong somehow, BUT I IMMEDIATELY DISSOCIATE to "SHUT THAT OFF" so I FORGET my ACTUAL feelings & "EMPTY" myself in order to BLINDLY ACCEPT & CONFORM to THEIR "ORDERS," EVEN IF IT WASN'T INTENDED AS SUCH. If I say "I'm angry" and someone MISHEARS, "you're happy?" My brain INSTANTLY accepts THAT as "TRUE" & FORCES "HAPPINESS" BY DISSOCIATION & PUSHING "APPEASEMENT MODE" which is TOTALLY SUBMISSIVE & INCAPABLE OF "SELF"-ASSERTION. But deep inside I'm STILL ANGRY & SCARED & CONFUSED & LOST because NOW WHAT, if I'm NOT "ACTUALLY" ANGRY/ I'm "FORBIDDEN" to even ACKNOWLEDGE it, because it would be "IN REBELLION"/ CONTRARY TO "THE TRUTH," which is DICTATED BY THE OTHER. And this intolerable conflict ALWAYS ends with either COMPLETE depersonalization & the "appeaser/ doll" TAKING OVER, OR in the "ABUSE TERROR" (?) instinct SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN & rendering me mute & immobile. The ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS is to LEARN to TRUST the VALIDITY/ REALITY/ TRUTH of MY OWN EMOTIONS ENOUGH TO STAND UP FOR THEM. I need to learn how to ASSERT that truth AS truth that CAN'T BE ALTERED BY MERE SUGGESTION??? Which requires REASON & DISCERNMENT, but also SELF-TRUST, which is ACTUALLY ONLY POSSIBLE AS PART OF THE SYSTEM. THAT TRUST MUST ALWAYS BE COLLECTIVE. Which makes TOTAL SENSE actually; if OTHER PEOPLE are feeling/ contributing TO those emotions, and I'm NOT acknowledging or consulting THEM, then of COURSE "I" won't be ABLE to "assert" mySELF" because I'd be IGNORING OURSELF!! We live this life & feel these emotions TOGETHER.
✳ TREATMENT RELATED: "flung around by my emotions" BECAUSE YOU WON'T LISTEN TO THEM, LET ALONE DIALOGUE!!
✳ This ALSO ACTUALLY AFFECTS "SELF-ASSERTION"?? AND "SENSE OF SELF-IDENTITY APART FROM OTHERS"?? Because I ONLY struggle with "fusing my identity with those around me" when I'm OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE SYSTEM, because I'm USED TO & even MADE FOR a "collective self-body," just INTERNALLY. I can only "DISCERN MYSELF" when I am WITH "MY OTHERS" TO DISCERN MYSELF AMONG & WITH. It makes MORE SENSE to "know MYSELF" IN THEIR LIGHT, as a PART of "US." And when I'm truly ANCHORED into that, then I DON'T try to mirror OUTSIDE people because I've FOUND my place & purpose, and ONLY THEN CAN I RESPECT the DISTINCT UNIQUENESS OF OTHERS. As for ASSERTION, to DO that REQUIRES that I "BELIEVE" that WHAT I am asserting is TRUE & RIGHT, AND THAT I HAVE THE "RIGHT" TO ASSERT IT. And if I'm speaking up FOR THE SYSTEM, I DO. I'm ALSO doing this WITH MY FAITH, as I MUST and as is JUST, now that GRACE has CONVINCED & CONVERTED MY HEART TO THE TRUTH. BUT in "CONTRAST" to that, if I'm "cut off" from my REAL IDENTITY as BOTH a CHILD OF GOD & SYSTEM MEMBER-- BOTH as a PART of a WHOLE, a BODY together-- then I CAN'T be assertive because what IS there TO assert?? I ONLY EXIST IN COMMUNION & I CAN ONLY ASSERT MY IDENTITY & NEEDS IN CONTEXT OF THAT PARTICIPATION!! Disconnected from that, I'm LOST & EMPTY. And I HAVE been disconnected for TOO LONG. No wonder "I" couldn't recover. So PLEASE, LIVE FROM THIS TRUE SPACE. HONOR & CHERISH your GOD-GIVEN IDENTITY, and for HIS sake, SELF-ASSERTION will be an act of HONOR & LOVE. ✳ "UNPROCESSED GRIEF & RAGE." This is ABSOLUTELY BECAUSE THE SYSTEM HAS BEEN DORMANT. That grief & rage is HELD IN OUR HEARTS. WE'VE SUFFERED, TOGETHER, and to DENY/ SUPPRESS/ HIDE OUR EXISTENCE & HISTORY, results in PERPETUAL STAGNATION & EMOTIONAL HOLLOWNESS-- ironically, because the TRUTH of what WE feel STILL REMAINS, buried & avoided, and ALL that pain just turns to MAGMA underground. The volcano WILL erupt eventually. And GOD WILLING I CAN'T WAIT. That's the ONLY way it CAN be processed after SO LONG of being pressurized while red-hot & agonized. It NEEDS to be brought up to the surface ENTIRELY, and it's INEVITABLE. THIS IS WHY WE ALWAYS "WAKE UP" IN EMOTIONALLY CHARGED CRISIS SITUATIONS; IT BREAKS THROUGH THE CRUST. THANKFULLY, there IS a way to "prevent a volcanic eruption" and that is by GOING UNDERGROUND & MEETING THOSE HURTING HEARTS. We DO have "lava tubes" in headspace, remember, down with the chthonics. But setting the metaphor aside, the POINT is that THE GRIEF & RAGE CAN ONLY BE PROCESSED IF IT'S UNBURIED & ACKNOWLEDGED & FELT, and it CAN ONLY BE FELT BY THE NOUSFONI THAT CARRY IT, because THEY EXPERIENCED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU CAN'T PROCESS TRAUMA THAT'S NOT "YOURS," AND APART FROM THE SYSTEM, IT'S NOT.
✳ THIS PRESENTS A NEW & VERY CONCERNING "OBSTACLE"-- MOST OF US "NEVER CAME BACK" AFTER CNC. INFINITII DIED. AND ZE WAS THE FOCUS OF THE WORST TRAUMA, BY HIR VERY FUNCTION. Literally NO ONE ELSE CAN EVEN TOUCH HIR MEMORIES/ EMOTIONS. All we have is SECONDHAND DATA from the (thankfully rare) horrific moments when the trauma got SO BAD it BROKE THROUGH specific fronter consciousness & scarred our COLLECTIVE awareness. That ONLY OCCURS under the TERROR of IMMINENT DEATH. And it DID. BUT WE CAN'T PROCESS IT as sheer panicked doom data, because it's NOT PERSONAL... and we don't know HOW to "MAKE it persona' in such a blood-close, excruciatingly intimate way, UNLESS ZE COMES BACK. Somehow. It's in God's hands. So is ze. But... step one is READING what we have. And we will see what happens.
✳ The last listed weakness, to briefly address: "panic & dissociation in social settings." To repeat, the vast majority of this is caused by disconnection from the System & from the faith. BUT the OTHER half is SENSORY OVERWHELM and we CANNOT DENY THAT CONCERN. It's a REAL ISSUE and we MUST RESPECT IT with MUTUAL respect. We can't isolate-- we don't want to-- but we ALSO CANNOT FORCE OURSELF TO SOCIALIZE BEYOND OUR GENUINE CAPACITY. We have to HONESTLY DISCERN & ASSERT OUR REAL LIMITS & NEEDS, IN ORDER TO GIVE OUR GENUINE ALL TO OTHERS WITHOUT BURNOUT (DISHONESTY)!
✳ DISSOCIATION IS A SURVIVAL RESPONSE. When we fear/ sense impending burnout, we SHUT DOWN. It's a last desperate instinctive response, in the attempt to PROTECT OUR MENTAL INTEGRITY?? Because honestly, if we're NOT acting AS a FAITHFUL System, then the "PSEUDO-SINGLETS" START TO SABOTAGE OUR INTEGRITY because they HAVE NO FOUNDATION. Therefore they CAN'T BE "HONEST" because they are UTTERLY UNMOORED from ANY DEEPER IDENTITY-- which MUST be ANCHORED in COMMUNION. Ironically, all their people-appeasing will NEVER accomplish that because YOU CAN'T CONNECT WITH OTHERS UNLESS YOU FIRST EXIST AS A PERSON DISTINCT FROM THEM. That's the paradox of love. HENCE THE TRINITY. (And YOU ARE CALLED INTO THEIR LOVE!)

 


prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2024-09-22 03:04 pm

092224


Hack nightmare last night. Then I fell half-asleep and who was there protecting & guiding me to safety but LAURIE. Except her name registered clearly as LAUREL, and her color was PURPLE. But she was AS SHE WAS MEANT TO BE-- a Knight, a guardian angel, a Protector in truth, NOT a chummy conversation partner. She kept a separation between us without separating us. She didn't blunt her edges or parrot vapid platitudes. She didn't try to sugarcoat or mollycoddle or make things palatable, because she DIDN'T NEED TO. The strength of her presence, the fierce unspoken LOVE in her very existence, was profound comfort. SHE was all I needed-- no placating, no chatter, just her, as I RECOGNIZE her. It meant the universe to me.

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Breakfast today made us realize that a LOT of our mealtime dissociation IS SHEER SENSORY OVERWHELM. Honestly I loathe the television, but it serves as "distracting noise" for the anxious group. The same goes for conversation. And I see & respect how that works for them. BUT, I have different "needs". I "need" QUIET FOCUSED SLOW SOLITUDE, to eat MINDFULLY & PROCESS THE DATA. I cannot do that very well here, but I AM trying my best. I must be PATIENT & UNDERSTANDING & GENTLE (CLOAK) towards everyone. They are NOT "AGAINST" MY HEALING just because the majority needs are different. I need to discuss this with my treatment team perhaps. I need to properly discern WHICH "needs" CAN be either sacrificed for the common good or somehow compromised/ altered for the sake of submissive obedience, WITHOUT SUCH A DECISION CONTRIBUTING TO DISORDERED HABITS & HARMFUL STATES OF MIND? How much "agency" do I truly have here? Am I overestimating, assuming I CAN "just reprogram myself" or "suppress my alleged needs" on a dime? Or am I underestimating, and I REALLY DO NEED ACCOMMODATION if ONLY to PREVENT the further HABITUATION/ RE-EMPHASIZING of behaviors that, although seemingly neutral to others, are LEAVING MENTAL BRUISES that are SETTING BAD "FOUNDATIONS" for FURTHER HARM that I WOULD NOT HAVE SUFFERED OUTSIDE OF THIS ENVIRONMENT? THAT'S why I'm scared. I hate the TV. I fear the overwhelm. I'm literally getting sick from all the processed packaged food. I DON'T WANT MY BODY REBUILDING ITSELF FROM GARBAGE & CHEMICALS. I want to GET OUT OF HERE & FEED IT MYSELF & I DON'T WANT TO HURT IT. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT. God what do I do? I can't start refusing meals. I'm determined to eat 100%, if only for obedience. Can God redeem these efforts? IF NOTHING from outside can make me "unclean," can God ALSO prevent those outside things from making my body a trash heap?
✳ "You are what you eat" BUT I'M NOT BEING GIVEN A CHOICE. MY BODY'S "IDENTITY" IS LITERALLY BEING DECIDED BY OTHERS & FORCED UPON ME. IT'S SEX ABUSE. IT'S A LIVING NIGHTMARE. Why ELSE do you think we started purging?? WE CAN'T SAY "NO". WE MUST "BE A GOOD GIRL" & TAKE IT. We MUST OBEY. But WHY??? WHAT IS THE ACTUAL GOAL HERE?? Obedience for its own sake? Denial of self in order to be an extension of others? or their toy/ science project? In the end, what will this make ME? Can I LIVE with that? Does it even matter? IF "we're not meant for this world" BUT "our BONES will be resurrected," where does one draw the line? How much should I care? And about what things? Does Mark 16:18 apply here? If EVERYTHING is really just a different form-combination of the BASIC MINERALS & CHEMICALS that GOD created, then CAN GOD "TRANSFORM" the "poison" of "bad food" INTO its GOOD BASIC STRUCTURAL ELEMENTS? I NEED to have FAITH in that. EVERY CREATED THING IS GOOD AT HEART, AS GOD'S CREATION. They may become broken & distorted, yes, BUT CHRIST CAN & DOES REDEEM EVERYTHING... ESPECIALLY FOOD (EUCHARIST)!!

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Laurie pointed out that CONDIMENT FORCING is contributing to meal dissociation/ rushing, so CUT BACK & instead ENJOY THE REALITY of the food AS-IS. The other half IS social-noise-attention anxiety, but we're working on detaching & just eating, NOT trying to "perform."

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Laurie pointed out that I'm compulsively "bingeing" on condiments. I'm FORCING myself to eat them and I REALLY DON'T WANT TO. I'm desperately seeking to accomplish SOMETHING by doing this, but WHAT? What data am I trying to get? Am I? I thought about it with Laurie when she pointed out how I IMMEDIATELY regretted asking for the packets. I realized then that this is most likely APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR. I'm forcing mayo "in restitution" somehow for UPMC mistakes & home misuse. I'm forcing ranch because of both TBAS & grandma. I'm forcing hot sauce as some sort of "identity" tangle, like I'm not allowed to object to it or I'll "change my personality." I don't know why-- no, I do. I'm forcing ketchup because of grandpa & dad & childhood memories. WHAT AM I TRYING TO PROVE OR ACCOMPLISH HERE? What do I think EATING these things will DO, to ME? Are they SYMBOLS?
1) "I need to push fats/ calories" = UPMC talk, STILL. The "need" is DIRECT APPEASEMENT. "Will you be happy with me if I try to make myself gain weight faster?" "Am I being good by showing you that I'm "willing" to make myself fat faster?" Is that a real motive? "I know that adding fat & calories contributes to weight gain. If I "FREELY" CHOOSE to add MORE than I was given, I'm showing them that I'm willing to go "above & beyond" what is expected? to PUSH myself HARDER, even to the LIMIT? They WANT me to eat more & gain weight, so if I force the process along faster, to GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT, I'll be "good"?? Is that what I'm so desperate for? They don't "love me" for it. They MIGHT "like me" SOLELY because I pleased them by conforming myself to their mandated expectations, & surpassing them, but it'd be a "like" based on UTILITY, or even just egotism? "We like you because you don't resist us. You always do exactly what we desire, & even take the initiative to further please us. You'll do." Until I hit goal weight & I'm no longer needed or interesting or wanted & I get tossed out with the trash, with all the other toys that aren't fun anymore, with all the other useless excess. Then what? NOW who sees me as good? Who do I please by my servile obeisance & self-denial now? What in the world am I trying to do? It's because this E.D. recovery, AND the disorder itself, make me feel like my MORAL WORTH AND STANDING are DEFINED BY MY BODY SIZE & SHAPE. Everyone WANTS me to be FAT, like ALL the sexually horrifying women that have traumatized me over the years. But WHY? Do THEY want to sexualize ME? to "fatten me up" to be KILLED & DEVOURED? What does forcefeeding me do for them? If MY CHOICES to eat made them FURIOUS, then WHY is THEIR forcing me to eat TONS MORE, but by THEIR CHOICE & CONTROL, not only "allowed" but PRAISED & even ORDERED? My OBEDIENCE is ALWAYS in SUBMITTING to CONTROL that INVOLVES CONTROL OF MY BODY. THEY get to manipulate it as THEY wish, and I as a PERSON DON'T GET TO EXIST. I can't say no. I "NEED" to eat all these condiments that I don't like but OTHER people do because I HAVE to like EVERYTHING and I'M ONLY A GOOD GIRL if I do so AND GET FAT, because... why? Is being not-fat offensive? Mind you I DON'T WANT TO BE "THIN." Even being "skinny" is deeply shameful. I want to be STRONG. NOT FAT. The difference is EFFORT & DISCIPLINE vs. SLOTH & INDULGENCE. But... they keep telling me to "gain weight" & "fill out" and I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A SEXUAL "WOMAN." Do I have ANY other options? And then WHY do I see fat/ chunky/ fullbodied/ "shortstack" women as BEAUTIFUL? I just can't BE ONE, or I "CAN'T LOVE THEM," somehow. I'll lose myself. That's NOT ME. I need to be... what? NOT skinny & frail. No, I want to LOVE & PROTECT PEOPLE. I NEED to be BIG in order to be STRONG. But THIS behavior is SKEWED. It's NOT protein or vitamins. It's FAT, & it's "NONFOOD" EXCESS. It's just an attempt to affect NUMBERS & APPROVAL, NOT HEALTH!

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Higher meal plans have 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY. That's SCARY amounts of sugar! And honestly, that's WHY I QUIT IOP LAST YEAR. This is a BIG OBSTACLE if I am REQUIRED to follow the meal plan, both psychologically AND financially. So we MUST face this NOW, and find the ROOT FEARS so we can deal with it MATURELY & RESPONSIBLY instead of being blindsided by kneejerk panic. We NEED to UNDERSTAND our fears about FRUIT & SUGAR, NOTABLY because we've realized that MOST FRUITS REGISTER AS FEAR FOODS, NOT mere challenges or aversions!
✳ There's a LOT as to WHY. SUGAR is one. MESSINESS (JUICE) is another. SEX ASSOCIATIONS are also significant. But WHY is SUGAR "EVIL/ DANGEROUS"?? IS IT BECAUSE OF THE SEX ABUSE/ TRAUMA? DID THIS BEGIN WITH CHOCOLATE??

✳ An AVERAGE of 2 FRUITS per meal is UNREALISTIC WITH VOLUME to my current understanding. The only way to "consolidate" is through JUICE (no fiber, glucose spike) or DRIED FRUIT (no water, glucose spike). SO we have to PREVENT GI SPIKES by BOOSTING FIBER in the rest of the meal, as well as fats?? If we are allowed to. This is much easier at breakfast; dinner will be tricky UNLESS we do something COMPLIMENTARY? Like a compote or "sauce" side?? It's too complicated & unnecessary though. I want & arguably NEED to have a SIMPLE, PLAIN, STRAIGHTFORWARD diet.
✳ We NEED to LIMIT our OPTIONS for the sake of PRUDENCE, SIMPLICITY, & AFFORDABILITY. Find what is NUTRITIOUS that DOESN'T cause "illness" (like IBS flares & toothaches), AND that we GENUINELY LIKE-- because LEARNING TO HAVE PREFERENCES & ALLOW MYSELF TO LIKE THINGS AND HAVE THEM WITHOUT PUNISHMENT is a KEY PART OF RECOVERY-- and STICK TO IT BRO!!
✳ So, AS OF TODAY, what DO we like? What do we have RIGHT NOW to work with? What are our BIGGEST OBSTACLES, the FEARS that are LIMITING OUR TRUE FREEDOM-- freedom TO CHOOSE WHAT IS GOOD? (Freedom is FOR GOD, freedom TO GLORIFY & OBEY our treatment plan & NOT FEAR CREATION)
✳ We legit REALLY like DRIED CHERRIES, FRESH FIGS, BLACK & RED GRAPES, and that's all I can think of, which is upsetting. There is SO MUCH FEAR TOWARDS FRUIT, and it's tied to DEATH & POISON for the most part. It ROTS SO FAST and I am SO USED to ALL the fruit at the old homestead being ROTTEN & MUSHY & MOLDED & LEAKING & WORM INFESTED & SMELLING LIKE DECAY. And DRIED fruit would be STALE & RANCID & FULL OF DIRT & HAIR & BUGS. This is WHY I get kneejerk "poison" aversion to MELONS, RAISINS, PEACHES, BANANAS, etc. Pomegranates, coconut, cranberries, etc. are similar, as are ALL clamshell berries. I am NOT used to ACTUALLY FRESH FRUIT. My childhood default was ROTTING, either through being left out on the table or forgotten in the refrigerator or on the porch. But that's the root of the poison fear. And it's sad, because it is BASED ON A LIE-- FRUIT IS NATURALLY FRESH & GOOD & HEALTHY & PURE. It's the FOOD OF EDEN!!! I SHOULD BE EATING FRUITS! That would SERIOUSLY be a PRIESTLY act on my part-- RESTORING the TRUE DIGNITY that GOD INTENDED to fruits, as I HEAL my experience of them by experiencing them AS GOOD, & offering that PRAISE TO GOD with HEAVEN in mind-- the "RETURN to the TRUE GARDEN" where CHRIST is the FRUIT OF LIFE!! So THERE'S your motivation & holy battle plan. HEAL = LOVE.
✳ Remember we STILL DO HAVE TO PLAN FOR THE MEALPLAN! And that MUST BE SUSTAINABLE. THAT fruit choice group HAS to be REALISTICALLY AFFORDABLE, LOCALLY ACCESSIBLE, COMPLIMENTARY TO OUR OTHER FOODS, & REASONABLY ENJOYABLE. ALL the fruits that DON'T fit those criteria (like papaya, dragonfruit, melon, etc.) MUST STILL BE HEALED, EVEN IF THEY DON'T BECOME A REGULAR PART OF OUR DIET, because ANY inclusion OR "exclusion" from the grocery list MUST COME FROM A PLACE OF FREEDOM & GRATEFUL APPRECIATION, NOT AVERSION OR FEAR! And NO FORCING, EITHER-- that's DISRESPECTFUL & CRUEL! "Not eating" a fruit for legit reasons ISN'T A SIN. Remember that "fasting" IS HOLY. It's STILL AN OFFERING OF GOODNESS TO GOD IN GRATITUDE, BY NOT EATING IT! EVEN THAT CAN BE DONE FOR HIS GLORY. So don't worry. Do what you NEED to do for your body's health & recovery, & do it in FREEDOM, LOVE, & PEACE.

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✳ MAPLE is "TREE BLOOD" and IT'S RESONATING. There's a girl forming to hold it! Her hue is hovering CERISE? NOT Orange? And Brown seems obvious but doesn't match the flavor? It's too unclear yet. BUT I WONDER if DUOTONE NOUSFONI ARE POSSIBLE in this "new era." We'll see!
✳ She WEARS cerise & vermilion accents? But her BASE reso IS BROWN? There's only one way to know for sure-- EAT SYRUP AGAIN & FEEL FOR HER IN RESONANCE WITH IT. The two HAVE TO MATCH. Remember that for ALL Lotophagoi = they NEED THE FOOD DATA IN ORDER TO ANCHOR TO IT AS A FUNCTION!

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We keep getting chocolate chip cookies for snack and the data keeps blurring out completely. Laurie said, if you're AFRAID of the chocolate again & labeling it as BAD, then you HAVE to face it & HEAL it with LOVE & GRATITUDE. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!

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I left my books under the soap dispenser & Paula accidentally got soap all over my softcover book, permanently altering it & smudging the words inside. I saw it as "ruined" because it's no longer mint condition & never can be again. I actually felt anger towards her, but it was really anger at myself for leaving it there where it WAS at risk. Then she started frantically apologizing & I didn't know how to explain the situation and everything just felt ugly & wrong & ruined.
↑ I AM GRATEFUL that now that book carries EVIDENCE of my life ACTUALLY going off the rails, & since it's SOAP it almost SYMBOLIZES a "washing" me clean of that past-- especially my HANDS, with the neurotic guilt & shame. Secretly I'm so curious to see WHAT words the soap altered; I trust the Holy Spirit WILL speak through it. I'm ALSO grateful that I HAD such an unhealthy reaction because now I HAVE to FACE/ ADMIT/ CONFESS that I STILL REACT THAT WAY, and if I don't deny OR justify it, I CAN combat the vice there & LEARN VIRTUE to DIRECTLY replace/ heal it. (I immediately reached out to her in sincere apology & gentle reassurance. All is well again.)

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Paula won't stop apologizing & it's making me SO BLOODY ANGRY. TBAS did this same exact simpering thing, & that's what it feels like-- cowardly, spineless, jellylegged, piddling, whiny baby asininity. That's BRUTAL judgment and I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS but I do. I can't deny it. I need to deal with it.
WHY does it make me so unreasonably enraged? It feels like forced victimization; it's overly dramatic & it it GUTLESS. It's almost begging for babying.
↑ WE JUDGE OURSELF THIS WAY & IT'S BLEEDING OUTWARDS. We MUST untangle this & PRACTICE COMPASSION or else it will POISON US, making us TOXIC. (I'm sure we already are, with this terrible reaction happening in us so immediately. That makes this a PRIORITY TO HEAL.)




prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2024-09-20 01:46 pm

092024 FEAR FOODS


Some "FEAR/ CHALLENGE/ AVERSE" foods I MUST face with LOVE to be HEALED/ FREE =
1) APPLESAUCE= see next pageturn.
2) FRUIT CUP(S)= see next pageturn.
3) POPCORN= vague childhood TV terror. CNC & SLC cinema. UNEXPECTEDLY TERRIFYING??? Also "DIRTY HANDS." GRANDPA CLOSET FILTH. +Halloween? Boy Scount sales?
4) NUTRIGRAIN= CNC & grandpa's closet.
5) RITZ= old binge food, often STALE/RANCID. Also "belong to mom" (with her cheeses)? Fear of being punished for eating them
6) OATMEAL RAISIN= something about the taste feels so wrong. "fruit + grain" unnatural fusion? tastes like garbled data to our brain. +They turn to SLUDGE when you eat them.
7) OATS & HONEY BAR= Filthy crumbles. Typically stale/rancid. Feels like eating garbage scrap, not real food.
8) PIZZA= too many bad situation memories
9) BACON= CNC trauma

TRIGGERS put you into FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN!!!


"FEAR" FOODS are ACTIVELY tied to TRAUMA and/or seen as an IMMINENT DEATH RISK.
● BACON is BOTH; I fear that eating pig is morally fatal (OT laws & symbolism); if I eat it then I will BECOME a pig. I also fear that it's "unhealthy," which has NO "wiggle room"; if I eat it I WILL have clogged arteries & I CAN'T "UNDO IT" or "take it back." It's PERMANENT DAMAGE. There is NO MERCY with food fears!! It's ABSOLUTE, IRREVOCABLE, & ultimately FATAL. But the worst fear here IS the "IDENTITY CORRUPTION" through "CHOOSING" to CONSUME it; it's DIRECTLY TIED to SXABUSE. if I "let the pig in," it will TAKE OVER & DEVOUR ME like a PARASITE and "I" WON'T EXIST ANYMORE-- or worse, if I DO, it'll be like having a YEERK.
● BACON is ALSO historically tied to SXABUSE EVENTS, so FLASHBACKS OCCUR INEVITABLY. Preparation CAN slightly assuage this by triggering different memories (like mom making it at home), BUT the very "FACT" of bacon consumption HAPPENED at "THOSE TIMES" is undeniable & CANNOT BE TURNED OFF.
● PIGS in general are frightening MORALLY, because I see them SYMBOLICALLY. They represent, & "therefore MANIFEST," FILTH, UNCLEANLINESS, GLUTTONY, BOORISHNESS? They're "ANIMALISTIC" in the sense of "TOTAL DEPRAVITY," plump & mud-caked, rolling in filth & digging their face INTO it in ORDER to eat, snorting & oinking & squealing, stinking horribly, laying inert & sated in the mud, & looking "suggestive" with their pink, taut, round, FAT (plump) bodies, hairy & dirty & fleshy. They "look like the filth of sex." The food/ eating is SECONDARY, almost an OUTGROWTH. The MAIN horror about pigs is SEX & FILTH. They just "PROJECT/ INFLICT" that ONTO eating, because EATING, ALWAYS, IN & OF ITSELF, IS "SEXUAL." It's inherently "erotic." (Discuss that LATER) So PIGS are ABHORRENT & SCANDALOUS, BECAUSE they are so FILTHY WITH FOOD WHILE BEING SO "ANIMALISTICALLY SEXUAL." They're DEHUMANIZING in totality & so IF I EAT ONE, I'M TAKING THAT INTO ME AND IT BECOMES MY BODY, which therefore DEHUMANIZES ME AND I CAN'T "TAKE IT BACK/ GET IT OUT." (THE ONLY HOPE IS TO PURGE)
MATTHEW 15:11 & 17-20!!! GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD AND HEART! Study it extensively if you have to, but THE PIG CANNOT "MAKE YOU EVIL"!!!
● Last trauma we haven't discussed= ham is what I associate with grandma's death AND MY FAILURE TO BE THERE FOR HER ON THAT LAST EASTER, because HAM is what I ate that "SET OFF" THAT FATAL BINGE THAT LANDED ME IN THE E.R. & TOOK ME FROM HER. But... look at Matthew again. You're SHIFTING BLAME. YOU BINGED ON HAM.The PIG didn't sin OR cause YOU to! It COULD have been OFFERED to GOD as a JOYFUL CELEBRATION of LIFE like Easter "feasts" are SUPPOSED to. BUT even that WORD is "evil" & disgusting & I HATE it. WHY. = it's because in my mind/ experience, "feasts" are ALWAYS gluttonous, & eating "too much" is PUNISHED EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT OR WERE JUST THAT HUNGRY OR WERE EATING IN GRATITUDE. "Feast" means you are WATCHED & SUSPECTED & CRITICIZED & SHAMED & PUNISHED & even RATIONED. The "joy" is FORCIBLY LIMITED & therefore HOLLOW. There's NO ABUNDANCE.
● Weirdly but DIRECTLY & VITALLY RELATED is actually the GRINCH story. I hated it as a kid because the Whos were PORTRAYED & DESCRIBED as GENUINELY GOOD & NICE & FRIENDLY, and so when THEY feasted it WAS JOYFUL & GRATEFUL & ABUNDANT, & they ate as TRUE FAMILY in FRIENDSHIP together... but I had no comprehension of that as a kid. It "looked" hypocritical & performative to me because THAT'S ALL I KNEW. And I felt like the Grinch, who I ALSO "hated" AS A RESULT because he was described as UTTERLY GROSS & REPREHENSIBLE, and if "he was LIKE ME," then THAT HORRID SONG WAS ABOUT ME. And I heard the WHOS singing it, like I heard my family. And that DISSONANCE was intolerable. There they were, happy & FEASTING, yet SINGING ABOUT HOW UGLY I WAS & how they DETESTED ME & wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, WHILE SMILING & EATING, and I was outside in the cold, unwanted & unwelcome & HUNGRY for not just food but LOVE & COMMUNITY & MERCY & WELCOME, but they were FEASTING on it & although THERE WAS PLENTY TO SHARE WITH ME, TOO, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE FED. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE PART OF THEM & THEIR LIFE. I'm unlovable. I'm inherently undesirable and I'm filthy. And that MAKES you a "grinch." It also means eating scraps of garbage & that becoming YOUR "normal."


✳God GAVE me PORK CARNITAS for lunch IMMEDIATELY after I wrote that ↑ & they were WONDERFUL! NO FEAR!! Which SHOCKED me. PORK is SAFE?? Ham & bacon AREN'T? At least in theory.
+ ADDING to this, God ALSO gave us APPLESAUCE... and similarly it was only "half triggering" & in DIFFERENT WAYS that I DIDN'T THEORIZE?? It also WASN'T SCARY, just a challenge. The SCARY/ DISTURBING part was the TEXTURE, & having to eat it with a spoon. It's the MESS, the SLOP, the LACK OF STRUCTURE/ FORM?? And spoons are TOTALLY chaotic, haha. There's NO SOLIDITY. But THAT'S a question = I'm aware of & dealing with the sticky/ crumbs/ spills/ etc. struggles, but the TEXTURE & FORMLESSNESS? Where is THAT rooted? Wait are they BOTH related to CHILDHOOD??? Is it tied to fear of PUNISHMENT for BEING MESSY? It also feels like "ROT" fear, like leaving food out on the counter or in the refrigerator for so long that it DOES turn to mush/ slop, and you STILL HAVE TO EAT IT?? Also, some part of me DOESN'T RECOGNIZE "LIQUIDS" AS FOOD. "Firm" things like jello & pudding don't count UNTIL/ UNLESS they start to MELT. Then the "degradation" fear happens. It's SO disturbing. And yet I don't think soup does this! Is it the WATERY NATURE that makes it safe? That seems legit actually. This concept might be "instinctive disgust" then, related to fear of eating rotten/ spoiled/ rancid food. ALSO the DENATURING. Juice in a cup is SO far removed from the reality of a fruit that it triggers some sort of kneejerk revulsion. My brain doesn't register ultraprocessed "food" as edible at ALL when that fact is apparent. And BTW YOU ARE NOT "OBLIGATED" TO FORCE-EAT THOSE FOODS AFTER DISCHARGE!! You SHOULD be choosing WHOLE FOODS to ACTUALLY FEED & NOURISH your poor body at last! Yes you CAN have something a bit processed when you eat out with mom, or when it would be MORE PRUDENT TO eat such food in a pinch or social situation; those foods ARE ALLOWED STILL; they CAN STILL BE OFFERED TO GOD IN GRATEFUL PRAISE, & they AREN'T "EVIL" OR "UNCLEAN"! You CAN worship God BY eating a bag of chips & fastfood sandwich IF you are doing so WITH the HONEST INTENTION to NOURISH YOUR BODY the BEST YOU CAN in that situation, ESPECIALLY if the EDIFICATION OF/ COMMUNION WITH OTHERS IS INVOLVED, and to DO ALL OF IT FOR GOD'S GLORY, WITH LOVE & THANKS & PRAISE FOR THE GIFT OF FOOD & LIFE & HEALING. Live FOR ETERNITY, even right now!


✳ WHY is there still so much AVERSION, perhaps a deeper FEAR, towards FRUIT FLAVORS? and fruit CUPS & JUICE?? Is this fear as applicable to those SAME fruits when FRESH? Why or why not? WHAT is CAUSING this distinction? IS IT GLOBAL or PARTICULAR?
1) Putting ANYTHING in one of those PLASTIC CUPS for "SNACKS" feels DEGRADING?? Like a "stripping of dignity." Does it make me feel like an animal? What about TEXTURE? Because APPLESAUCE isn't just "scary," it feels almost DEHUMANIZING. Like if I eat it, I'm placed in a position BELOW the dignity/ respect/ rights of a "real/ normal" person??? Is that because of the "processed/ artificialized/ denatured" aspect of ROBBING the FORM from the food & putting the resulting mush in a plastic cup? mass processed & utterly detached from TRUTH & nature as it was CREATED? and making ME eat THAT is DAMNING MY BODY/ SOUL/ FORM to the SAME???




prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)
2024-09-07 09:38 pm

food



All right, let’s try to type about this somehow.


Right around Pascha of this year, according to our food diary, specifically the first week of April, our diet changed. We cut out eggs because we tested positive on three different occasions for an allergy, and needed to find a new protein source. We tried cheese, but it triggered migraines and vomiting. Then for some reason we also started eating lettuce, cauliflower, cucumbers, and raisins? I’m assuming we were told to try FODMAP again. Regardless, the food diary is marked with symptoms of intense nausea and confusion and body twitches and vomiting. We ended up in the emergency room on the 6th. We had to reintroduce eggs for a time but the photos indicate this was the “bean pasta week” which was hell. We could not stop throwing up. Sweet potatoes did the same. We cut both out quickly and went back to the normal pre-April diet, but now the diary is peppered with purgation records. Our calories hovered between 800 and 1100 tops. Then around April 26th, green beans appear in the record, with the return of cucumbers, and now zucchini as well. I know this was also doctor’s orders. It went well for two days, and then the purging started again-- notably, because I remember getting unbelievably nauseous on a regular basis from the food. By May we had cut out broccoli completely and were now eating just those three other green vegetables, with some attempts at bok choy. It looks like we brought the broccoli back in mid-May and the purging stopped for a while.
May 23rd was the gastric emptying study with the eggs and toast. After that our diet went completely back to normal again, no more zucchini cucumber hell. It also looks like this is when we definitively quit the Three Wishes cereal, and realized that’s what had been causing our intense abdominal bloating and constipation.
June began and on the 3rd suddenly BOTH oat bran and hemp hearts reappear in the diet, and eggs disappear for good by the 9th. June 8th was the MU women’s retreat day. There’s still some on and off purging, almost always after dinner-- we were eating three bags of broccoli for carbs and the sheer volume would set it off. We also started weighing our food by this time. Our daily calories increase to 1100 by July.
July 28th is the colonoscopy prep period with the rice and green beans and babyfood turkey. This was a very difficult week psychologically and it set the stage for later compulsive binges.
I need to check the calendar to see how many we had over this time period, because sometimes we forget to list them in the food diary. All I know for sure is that there was a terrific spike in August, as I know that over half the days were binge-purge days, even if we just binged on broccoli.

So we’re struggling now. The cycle has gotten a grip around our throat and it is so difficult to stop. Even though our daily calories have gone up from ~900 in April to about 1400 in September-- a HUGE increase-- thanks to eating such a deficit for months, our weight is hovering around 90lbs and we still admittedly want it to drop lower. On good mornings, when we step on the scale, it’s 88lbs.
But the point is this. We want to stop bingeing and purging. We know it’s a sin. We also know it’s an addiction. We want to stop, but God help us we don’t want to stop either. We’re so bloody hungry. It’s nowhere near what it was like in North Carolina, or even up at the old house with grandma, that is true-- we were out of control back then, ravenous and destructive, insatiable and desperate. We didn’t know God back then. That’s what changed.
Now, we’re still starving, but…

It hit me today that we’re constantly angry. We’re miserable and exhausted and terrified. The OCD compulsions we used to have around the time the Julie days began, notably spitting and handwashing due to “contamination fear,” have returned for the first time in over a decade at the least. They’re debilitating. What triggered this? The feelings of shame and guilt and filth and evil are unbearable. It all feels tied to eating. Is it because our conscience is working again now? Is it because we know we’re sinning at least twice a week now, bingeing and purging, starving and stuffing this poor wrecked body, and although God knows we want to quit He also must know we’re so bloody hungry? What do we do?

We have a new nutritionist now, a male, a couple years younger than us. He’s actually accepting of our limitations and is willing to work with them-- when we told him dairy inevitably makes us uncontrollably vomit, he actually said “okay, then we won’t eat dairy,” which shocked us as we’re so used to being told to just eat it regardless and take a Zofran or something, which doesn’t help. The only trouble is this: he’s still giving us dietary recommendations, in order to increase our weight and fix our nutrient macros, and this triggers Iscah’s kneejerk “must be a good girl” food compulsions which means we KEEP forcing ourselves to “try eating normal people foods” even if they hurt, even if they make us sick, in order to be “good” and obedient and self-effacing. It’s just perpetuating the binge-purge hell loops. It feels like there is no end, no way out, until we CAN “do it.” So the forcing keeps happening until “one day we won’t get sick anymore.” But what if that never happens? We forced those bloody eggs for months, knowing we tested positive for an allergy but not taking it seriously until it was double confirmed, in the meantime just taking Benadryl twice a day and “getting used to” the hives and burning eyes and dizziness and runny noses. But the point is it wasn’t going away. No matter how much we forced, it couldn’t change the actual consequences. Same with the green beans, and the cheese, and the bean pasta. No matter how many attempts we made, we kept puking, because the nausea and stomach distress was so bad. We tried so hard, we really did. At what point is it “right” to “accept” the “fact” that maybe we “can’t” eat those foods? Right now we’re “not allowed to” even suggest such a thought. It’s “wrong.” It’s “evil” and “bad” and “disobedient.” You were told to eat that food, so you eat it, no matter how you feel, and one day you won’t feel anything anymore. Isn’t that “how it works”?
I’m typing all this out and it is just… exactly parallel to sexual abuse. No one is surprised.
It must be translating as this. We have no working memory of the abuse so our psyche must be funneling it into the food, because they’re practically the same thing in the end.

We’re not getting very far with most of our therapists with this. We’re seeing four of them right now, plus a psychiatrist and a case manager. Of them all, only one therapist is making real progress and thank God for her-- literally, I think the only reason why we’re getting somewhere there is because she is Christian and makes that an ACTIVE and PROMINENT part of our treatment, which is AMAZING and makes the whole process make so much more sense. But she and we are focusing on childhood trauma, which is hugely significant and deeply disturbing to be honest… you don’t realize how many bad seeds were planted back then, until you start tracing the rotten roots.
But… when will we ever get to discuss and heal from adult trauma? Will we have to one day actually, finally, honestly discuss the Julie Days with a therapist? How?

Right now, we’re haunted by food. That’s blinding us to everything else. The sense of shame and sin is devastating. We cannot escape it. It’s every waking moment. We’re haunted and hungry and horrified and hateful, which is an awful way to live, but honestly “we” despise “ourself” so much right now for this eating disorder, we wish we could just turn it off.
But we’re so hungry.
THAT’S the bizarre obstacle here. Something-- someone for sure-- in our psyche is resisting healing, in a sense refusing to “give up” bingeing because she’s so scared that if she does, she will starve to death. WHY. We’re getting 1400 calories a day now! We’re eating food, even if we don’t want to; we’re being obedient and accountable to the authorities that told us to eat! We’re a “good girl” in that sense, aren’t we? So why are we so miserable? Why do we still feel like no matter what we’re eating, we’re never satisfied? We’re always hollow and empty and want to cry. Even with binges, we hate them-- the only thing “enjoyable” about them is the ridiculously ritualistic and systematic and methodical hours that they involve, all the cooking and sorting and picking and ordering and cleaning. What is this doing for our mind that we “need”? What need is this trying to meet, however disastrously and misguidedly?

Another obstacle to healing is a recent and massive spike in daily anxiety and panic attacks. We weren’t like this back in July, I don’t think. Were we? I don’t know.
Back when Anxiety herself first appeared in June, at long last, I remember we were already promising ourself to “never binge again” after certain dates. We genuinely tried so hard to just cold-turkey quit, over and over and over. But all the travel, all the doctors, the consistent lack of sleep, the recurring financial crises, it just… some nights we would just be so exhausted and hungry and overstressed that we would just give up and give in. 7pm breakfast means you don’t even try to keep it down, so you might as well eat ten bags of broccoli so your body is tricked into thinking it ate something worthwhile. You get the idea.

It’s been so hard to “obey” the “rules” about food too. Someone started arbitrarily breaking them and now we can’t seem to stop again. They got a taste of the forbidden fruit and promptly became addicted, even it it tasted disgusting, even if they didn’t actually want it-- but they “HAD to want it”; they “HAD to try it again” for whatever reason.
I don’t understand it. What are they trying to prove? What answers are they trying to get? What end goal are they pursuing here? What is their actual motivation? Why can’t they just quit eating the foods we aren’t allowed to eat? Why are they so scared to let go again? What is the fear underlying all of this?

There’s so much music we can’t listen to anymore because music is always, always powerfully tied to “life eras”, however brief. We get flashbacks to them immediately and it can be terrifying. So much of this year’s music is tied to small periods of eating disorder wars, certain “food cycles” even if they only lasted for a few days, and even specific days that were psychologically harrowing enough to latch onto whatever music we had heard that day.
We haven’t listened to any new music in weeks, really. I think it’s a desperate coping mechanism. We’re trying so hard to escape from this hell; it’s better if there isn’t any future soundtrack tied to it. That way it won’t be remembered.

Right now, after weeks of grueling battles, the addiction has been pared down to the weirdly specific combination of beans+rice+oats+carrots, and chocolate chip granola bars. It’s so weird. But that’s it. Everything else is lingering around the edges, but the more rules we put up around them, and/or the more fear is tied to them, the easier it is to resist them.
Still. Chocolate is the oldest forbidden food. It’s a “sex food,” an abuse food, with real trauma tied to it. Granola is a “sworn off” food for penitential reasons. So why are “chocolate granola bars” allowed right now? ARE they? Or is someone just spitting hairs, like they do with everything else that’s edible?
In any case, I pray this ends soon. Chocolate is still so frightening it’s making me shake just thinking about it now. Maybe it’s the fact that granola bars have such tiny bits of chocolate in them that it “doesn’t register” as chocolate. But WHY are we “wanting” to eat them anyway? Granola bars themselves are a MASSIVE trauma food! You remember the bathroom events! What the heck are we trying to prove here? How did this even start? I hope it ends soon. It inevitably will, we just need the data and the consequences solid. Once its emptiness is tangible, it’ll stop.

Why are we so “hungry.”
If we just quit this all at once, if we stopped eating oats and beans and rice, why do “we” “fear” that it would “make us miserable”? That’s a blatant untruth. We’re MUCH happier when we’re NOT bingeing and purging. But… there is a fear of some sort of “loss.” So what is being mistranslated? What are we actually afraid of losing?
Additionally, why do we feel like we “HAVE to binge” on stress days? Why can’t we just fast? We WANT to, God knows-- so why won’t we? What is this fear that keeps coming up, this fear of not eating, even though we still really and consciously “hate” eating on any given day?

That’s the root of it, I think. If I had to point my finger at something that really felt like a siren going off, that would be it. We HATE eating. There is actual HATRED towards food. And yet, simultaneously, we are so hungry. We “want” to eat our carrots and hempseed and broccoli. But it’s unfulfilling and empty and frustrating and leaves us anxious and angry and wanting to cry and throw up.
What do we actually “want”? If we hate food, and we hate eating, then what are we actually looking for in our compulsive frightened “I have to eat” panic-- especially since we still want to starve?
The ambivalence is driving us insane. We have no clear answers yet.
Don’t forget all of this is still somehow tied to abuse and violation. We’re going to have to face that knot at
some point. Until we start to untangle that, we probably
won’t get anywhere on the surface.

All the ICC lectures lately have been indispensable. They are literally rewiring our brain and our heart. Make sure you remember and study and pray about and reflect upon everything they’ve taught us.
But… don’t get crushed under the weight of guilt they deliver, either. Guilt is a sign that your conscience is working. Don’t shut it off. But don’t despair, either. God is walking you through these steps. You NEED to know WHERE and HOW you’re going wrong before you can fix it, and we COULDN’T know this spiritual side of it on our own, only through this revelation. So treasure it, take it seriously, and act on it with God’s grace. But… realistically we can’t expect to “fix this” overnight, or in one shot. We’re most likely going to struggle still. This is spiritual warfare after all. But do not despair. Don’t give up. Don’t try to pretend this is easy, or that we truly understand, or anything else the thriskefoni like to do. We have to be sober and realistic about this. No sugarcoating, no whitewashing. This is indeed hell we’re stuck in. But Christ keeps reaching down to us and dragging us out every time we fall back into this bloody open grave. Don’t give up. Keep reaching up to Him.
He doesn’t hate you because sometimes you think this grave is your doom. Sometimes we think this is all there is and we don’t fight very well at all. Sometimes we get comfortable and we settle in a little. But Christ never hates you. He never gives up on you. Don’t give up on Him. He’s not trying to crush you with this knowledge, He’s giving you sharp graces that will strengthen you to fight better. Trust Him. You’ve been praying for this.
What I’m trying to say is… we’ve been convicted so powerfully it feels like we’ve been stabbed in the chest. We’re afraid we’re going to die, forever, if we cannot or do not put that knowledge into practice immediately and perfectly. Is that pride? The fear is intense. I don’t want to choose hell. I’m so afraid of damnation because I’m too damn weak to give up eating rice and beans on Tuesday nights. Isn’t that asinine? What the heck is actually going on here?
Christ, please, don’t let me go to hell because I’m currently not strong enough to really, definitively say “no” to these hungry compulsions.

It’s terrifying, to KNOW that I’ve “already decided” to binge on Tuesday night. I don’t want to, but I “want to.” There’s a “have to” in there somewhere, concerning the “practice eating” to “get used to” certain foods and meals that we “have to” eat. Et cetera. Vomiting is inevitable at some point, so might as well force it now and get it over with-- it’s better to control its occasion than to be blindsided by it. Isn’t that sad?
There’s so much fear. It’s enough to make you want to give up on living. It feels like there’s no escape.
But that’s not God’s Spirit. Where is our fortitude? Or rather, what battle do we ACTUALLY need to fight here? What would fortitude look like in practice here? What would REAL justice be in this situation? What is ACTUALLY wise? How can we be prudent in TRUTH?

God I’m exhausted, please forgive me, I want to sleep. Tomorrow is church. I’m so tired. I do want to worship. Help us to do that, no matter what. Don’t ever lose us.
The Eucharist is the key to everything, somehow. Please don’t send us to hell. Help us understand, truly. Help us to not be afraid. Heal us somehow. Help us to let You heal us. Please, don’t give up on us. Get us to heaven one day, no matter what. But please, please don’t kill us in the meantime. Don’t let us end up dead because of our stupidity. Please help us. Open our eyes. Give us the grace to WANT to act healthily. Please. Restore our capacity for joy. I don’t know what I’m trying to ask but You do. Deep down somewhere we feel so dead that it’s hard to even want to be healthy, even though we do, because being healthy means having no broken coping mechanisms which means facing whatever they’re trying to numb and I don’t think we can handle facing that gravestone reality. Heal THAT, Lord, please. There are so many layers here. Still, You can fix it all. I know You can. Please do so, moment by moment, in Your good time, in Your real love. Don’t let us die in our weakness and sins. Please heal us for good, for real, gently but permanently. Please don’t hurt us. Please help us. Help us to love You more completely, and help us to not be afraid of Your love. Amen.

I’ve got to sleep. Thank You God for helping us to have at least typed something tonight. We’ll do more tomorrow hopefully. Until then, please bless and forgive and protect and heal us. May we be transformed day by day into Your likeness. May we be remade new in Your image, and may we never sin again. Amen. Good night.

 

prismaticbleed: (worried)
2024-08-29 09:59 pm

phone entries = aug 2024




080424
Is my destruction addiction with food an EXTERNALIZED PROJECTION of my awful rage-desire to DESTROY MY SIN & GUILT???? IS THAT WHY IT'S FOCUSED ON TRAUMA FOODS????

Abraham's cutting the animals in covenant ritual = "may this happen to me if I break it" = a WHOLE split in HALF, but UNABLE to become two separate wholes!! After the Covenant is made, splitting back apart means being CUT IN TWO, which causes DEATH.
For GOD to do this too is to imply that WE ARE PART OF HIM NOW?? and if he were to cut us off, He would somehow be split? THIS IS BECAUSE OF THE INCARNATION seeded at the beginning of time, and attested to even in Abraham.
And God WANTS THIS. He KEEPS MAKING COVENANTS with mankind, until Christ BECOMES the Covenant in Himself ETERNALLY.
⭐PAIN/ SUFFERING/ BLOOD/ SACRIFICE IS INTRINSIC TO COVENANT IN A FALLEN WORLD. The "getting back online with God" is PAINFUL as it requires "twisting back into shape" what is deformed?
Animals suffering in our place = Christ figure = meant to inspire MERCY & REPENTANCE as a FRUIT of it?? LOVE as the TRUE "CURE" for sin, baked into the ritual, prophesying CHRIST

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080524
Cheese addiction = because eating it at upmc made iscah a GOOD GIRL

Crunchy food = VIOLENT RAGE / FRUSTRATED HELPLESS TEARS outlet, salt & sweet respectively

Spicy food = self abuse analogue (burning)

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0813
Read some of the archives from 2012, 2014, & 2017

I feel more alive & in love right now than I have in months. Maybe years.

Thank God for us

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0829

⭐ASK "WHY AM I COMMITTING THIS SIN?"
LOOK INTO THE EXTERNAL BEHAVIORS & FIND THE ROOTS

(JAMES 4)

⭐sow a thought, reap a FEELING!! they DON'T "just happen"!!
⭐sow thought, reap a deed
sow a deed, reap a habit
sow a habit, reap a character
sow a character, reap a destiny
‼️SEVEN DEADLY THOUGHTS = sin begins in the ATTITUDE??? (MIND)



prismaticbleed: (worried)
2024-06-29 09:56 pm

phone entries = jun 2024


061024

Homily synchronicity = Mike & Vito

TERRIFIED of being TOUCHED
"There’s more than one kind of touch" = Jesus reassuring, heavy and hard contact

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061124
Mom pickup drive
Weeping over headspace music
"I want it back"
"is God like this?"


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061224
Christ's wounds are PART OF the GLORY of HEAVEN!!
THERE ARE HOLY SCARS IN HEAVEN, THEY ARE NOT ERASED

Pop3 38:45 = "TAMING" & REDEMPTION; RELATIONSHIP CHANGES & ENNOBLES THE SOUL = ADAM'S HOUSEHOLD AS PRIEST = ALL CREATION REDEEMED IN CHRIST = THE SHEPHERD LIFTS UP THE SHEEP
13:00 = HEAVEN & UNIQUE PRAISE

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061824
ANXIETY!!!!!🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
Oh my gosh I AM LEGIT IN LOVE. I have got FEELINGS.

Mom shop, just watched her trying on glasses, oddly sweet to just be there with her

Last bingepurge prep. Don't want to do this.
Realizing BOTH HEADSPACE & PRAYER SHUT OFF in this food mindset. Everything feels gauzed up and dislocated.

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062124

I just realized, all this food forcing is rapist behavior.
I'm trying to force myself into the psychic experience of others without permission or consent. I'm trying to force myself into their spaces, into their likeness, trying to "enter into" their life as my own. That's invasive. That's violent. No wonder this all ends in purging.

Boundaries must be set. Identity must be clarified and guarded in CHRIST, not in culture or ethnicity or nostalgia or grief or social curiosity or the awful loneliness born from rejection. Food is not the cure. Food is not a panacea. Only the Eucharist is.

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062924

In last night nightmares, I TURNED BACK TO HELP THE PERSON I ORIGINALLY ABANDONED
I did this THREE TIMES and it SPECIFICALLY involved my thinking of CHRIST ACTING THROUGH ME, not my own actions, HE would and could save them, NOT ME


⭐WE CAN ONLY BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS, AND MANAGE OUR DAILY LIFE WITH GRACE, IF WE ARE LIVING AS A SYSTEM!!!!!!!
WE CANNOT FUNCTION AS A SINGLET. IT'S A LIE!!!!

Remembering this throughout the day EXPLAINS SO MUCH and actually makes life LIVEABLE.
We CAN and SHOULD be SWITCHING to HELP & PROTECT & HEAL EACH OTHER, as MEMBERS OF ONE WHOLE!!!!




prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2023-12-26 10:57 pm

122623

 

TRAUMA NIGHTMARES. literally the worst they could possibly be.
Violent lesbian rape, forced feeding & terrified vomiting, family hatred & verbal abuse, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, and missing Mass on top of it all.
Bizarrely, at the very end, we were FINALLY leaving the family house (where ALL THAT HELL HAPPENED), and it began to snow?? And JEWEL FRONTED. She was "Sonic-skating" on the snowy road like it was a skaterail, and when she got to the crest of the hill (which is MUCH steeper & longer in dreams, like low airplane height even), Mewtwo was flying above her (below the sky ceiling, which was STILL THERE) and she asked him(!) to "fly her down" to the city, where we live? And he did, although he complained at first, but by the drop-off they were interacting clearly as good friends.
So... yeah. That extreme juxtaposition of events & moods says a LOT about our subconscious experience of both places.

Had to go to church, needed the consolation, after such a hell night
BUT THERE WAS NO CHURCH??
We decided to stay anyway, and went upstairs to pray before the Tabernacle... and ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS WERE ON IN THE DARK.
It was so stunningly beautiful it felt like a dream. Pun intended, perhaps. But that's why God brought us here, despite the nightmares, despite no Mass. This was such a profound consolation, this beauty in the dark, the Baby in the manger shining brightest of all. This was a clear, visible, tangible reminder of what Christmas was really about... and a reassurance that yes, it did apply to me, too.

Got home for 830.
Laundry day since we actually had time & we had THREE LOADS TO DO

Knock shrine online mass
Intrusive hateful thoughts (ego dystonic!!!) are SO LOUD when we watch other people??? Its SUPER DISTURBING.
We reject the thoughts actively, we refuse to entertain them, we recognize them as wrong and cruel and shockingly ugly, but THEY KEEP HAPPENING and they are INSISTENT. So its very distressing and we never know what to do. You can't really "resist them" when they're constantly shouting around your ears. We can't turn them off. But we can at least say, over and over, "no, I do not agree with that, I refuse to judge, what you are saying is evil, I have no part of it." Etc.
But we still have to confess this every week. It doesn't stop. It's as mentally exhausting as it is morally frightening. ARE we really THAT EVIL?? Why won't it stop? Why are we like this?

Likewise, we CANNOT STOP PANICKING ABOUT POSSIBLE SOCIAL INTERACTIONS, especially with neighbors like Paul who like to talk. Its not his fault. We just literally will screamcry, selfabuse and throw up if we talk too much to ANYONE. That, too, happens EVERY BLOODY TIME no matter how hard we try to "smile and wait it out" or "play the part patiently" or whatever. The family holidays were proof of our inability to stop the fatal consequences of overstimulation, as were the nightmares.
But we can at least AVOID going up the house. We cannot avoid the unpredictable encounter of a neighbor.
...
Social media is worse. I seriously want to delete our Facebook. I HATE that website, honestly I do. Maybe we should just junk it. We'd finally have peace.

Immediately after laundry, we bravely went to the candle shop for mom. (Waiting another day would put our anxiety through the roof, but going outdoors closer to noon has a very high risk of talkative social encounters)
Got her the Pumpkin Chai as it smells like tea & isn't oppressively sweet.
There's one thats "Tobacco & Oud" that we think we like? We're still trying to figure out what "we" ACTUALLY do like, as opposed to what is programming, what is imitation, and what is a foni giving their own opinion, haha. The latter instance is the only acceptable one.
But this won't solidify without a solid Core. That's inevitable.

OCD is only kicking in when we PRAY WITHOUT FELIX???
Also we're thinking he is GREEN, not yellow-- there may be a name spelling change to match. Yellow was blurring him with that rude humor guy with the goggles. Besides that color was only assumed because of name synaesthesia. But his VOICE is GREEN!!
In any case he has NO "body" yet, in innerspace. His case is unique-- for his role to work, he HAS TO BE AN ANDROID. He cannot be organic or it would MAKE HIM DANGEROUS, since his role is to SPEAK!!!
I'm wondering how this affects Algorith?? Especially with her original function roots, as one of the martial Retributors.

ADELAIDE IS SHIFTING PINK??? Like a powdery pink. She FEELS more stable moving that way.
Still, wondering about this concerning what Spice said about Browns the other day. But we can't deny that Addie was miserable?
I also think she seriously wants to work WITH Audrey, or Julie. She doesn't want to be alone with the somafoni.
Is this the first time a foni "rejected" a function assignment and Chose to move, and was ALLOWED to without dying??? Is that something ONLY Browns can do, because of their neutral nature???


While watching lectures =
If people cry or get choked up while talking TO ME, and ESPECIALLY if they are trying to smile or be dramatic, it makes me feel ANGRY & FRIGHTENED & CONFUSED. It feels like they're FORCING THEMSELVES ON ME. I don’t know why, but it does. It's like I'm cornered, towered over, helpless, and they are climbing on top of me.
...


Evening =
It's getting so hard to concentrate on anything, or retain any information input. I think our poor brain is fried.

Trying to relax on couch but as usual we WON'T LET OURSELVES RELAX. It's exhausting.

prismaticbleed: (angel)
2023-12-09 11:19 pm

120923

 

Hell morning again.
(Despite that, by the time we went to bed, we felt oddly content? Saying night prayers together as a System, in the quiet dark, we were able to see and treasure little points of light through the day, that completely overpowered the scary and difficult things that had happened. I just want to mention that. Julie and I especially really grew a lot closer today through all of it.)


Rosary thoughts=
We get feelings of anger we look at pictures of jesus or Mary that have blank Faces, Or that look so serene and unruffled no matter how much we're suffering. It doesn't feel right it feels almost spiteful, Like our childhood, We would cry for help but people would just smile at us and do nothing, not even sympathize.
This is why a suffering savior and a sorrowful mother are so important.

Also realizing where we get that same terror reaction looking at holy Pictures during the rosary especially with no music to distract our thoughts, It's a trauma response it's actually looking for every possible threat in the picture.

Dyspnea is returning suddenly?? Yesterday & today. No apparent triggers.
We haven't had it at ALL since May, so this is weird.

Adelaide's role is A NURSE! SHE'S NOT A SOCIAL; SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE "IN THE BODY" AS IDENTITY!! Her job is to "accompany" the body being seen as a "person in need," like an elder who needs such close care! She TAKES CARE OF IT DIRECTLY ALONGSIDE IT; she is "driving" but NOT "FRONTING."
This is why she was so angry for so long-- she was being FORCED INTO FRONTING ALONE and that anger was a NATURAL ANGER RESPONSE TO DISSONANCE!!

Church at SJE. Made it to confession... and the response was JARRING.
This is almost verbatim as it hit so hard=
"If that was all in one week, you have too much time on your hands." "You're making up sins." "Why are you doing [that strange sin]? You must have some reason for it." "You're doubting God's love? At Christmas?" "Do you think your sins are so powerful that even God can't forgive you?"
And again, "You really need a spiritual director."
Listen, I am DEEPLY GRATEFUL for such a "tell it to you straight" priest (very fitting that he was wearing purple), but I am still VERY CONFUSED?
...


Evening carrots & Bishop Barron
UNEXPECTED ABSOLUTE CHECKMATE TO THE THRISKEFONI????
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0Bc3QPnw4ioPZt9P8taAWn?si=bjPHH5-KQ8eJJX47tMWyLw
SERIOUSLY TYPE ABOUT THAT ASAP BECAUSE IT IS IMMENSELY IMPORTANT TO US


8pm JUAN DIEGO DOCUDRAMA WAS ON EWTN!!! That's the one that LITERALLY CHANGED OUR LIFE and made us love BOTH that Saint AND OUR LADY, when prior to that film we had been acridly averse towards BOTH.
We literally sat down on the bedroom rug, in the dark, and just watched it together as a System.
I remember Leon and Scalpel both being so moved by Juan Diego's humble sincerity and emotional purity.
...


Waiting for mom to show up & switch cars for Mass tomorrow. Very anxious about driving at this hour but our brain is numb. Too much at once.
Dreamwidth is down so we can't update or edit or review, and we're panicking about the possibility of losing the archives as a result. We NEED to back up our site uploads ASAP because that's the ONLY PLACE WE HAVE THEM SAVED RIGHT NOW.

Small night drive
CZs Playlist on shuffle, God gave us "Tidal Tempest" (a much needed fond memory rush) & a song by Nick Leng that I had never heard before, but that was so unexpectedly applicable to our life lately it ached.
I'm amazed that you wanted someone like me.



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Universalis today

"...the Lord is a God of judgement, and blessed are all who hope in him. There is first to be a conversion and a cry for help. Only after the Lord has given the bread of suffering will the grace be given. Repentance is necessary before the benefits can flow."
...

"The prophecy of Isaiah promises material plenty... Then in the gospel passage Jesus fulfils the prophetic promises by sending out the disciples urgently to proclaim the Good News of the Kingdom by curing the sick, cleansing the lepers and driving out demons. Is the gospel only a matter of material plenty, of prospering unreservedly and of avoiding unpleasant diseases, as so many [worldly evangelists] proclaim it? They gain followers of short duration in the hope of comfort and prosperity, until the crash comes. This is not the gospel proclaimed in Matthew’s Beatitudes: ‘blessed are the poor in spirit, the meek, the peacemakers, the persecuted’. The blessing of God is upon them, in the sense that the Hand of God hovers over them. This [proclamation by means of healing] is not the same as providing ‘the fat of the land’ of the TV ‘evangelists’ for the followers of Jesus. These actions of the disciples are the symbols of the conquest of evil and distress. In story after story Jesus’ Heart goes out to the unfortunate and distressed, to the despised and the outcast, and He insists that the judgment of His followers will be in accordance with their adherence to the same standards of [His] caring for the poor, the sick, and the afflicted. In the Beatitudes according to Luke this is even more obvious, for there it is ‘you who are hungry now’, ‘you who are weeping now’. But Jesus does not promise that they "will live on the fat of the land"– only that they will have their fill and will laugh. The joy of the followers of Jesus rests in the confidence and firmness of a relationship to God the Father and His Messiah."
Why am I pasting this whole thing? Because it's a daily battle I have to fight, with my family & this society & myself.
How does Jesus fulfill these promises of "plenty?"
1) He sends out His disciples. Already the focus shifts from "things" to "people."
2) He sends them to "proclaim the Good News of the Kingdom." This is the true wealth: the Kingship of God, Who IS our all in all, everything we need forever, our Provider and Father.
3) They proclaim this Kingdom BY HEALING PEOPLE. This shows that God HAS POWER OVER ALL DISEASES & DEVILS. Isn't that true riches? Without a healthy body, the richest man on earth benefits nothing from his wealth... and without a healthy soul, even a healthy body is useless & doomed to death. God is literally transcending all mortal priority & redefining in truth what "plenty" is to man.
4) Specifically, the disciples are to cure lepers & the possessed.
5) THIS "PLENTY" GOES TO THE POOREST OF THE POOR!!
...
Now for the rest of it.
1) A reminder = The CROSS is the Gospel. The Beatitudes are our blessings. Jesus Himself had NO "material plenty," other than what He was given in charity & which He freely shared with all His camaraderie, and donated to those in need. THAT was the true "plenty"-- the generosity, the compassion, the giving & sharing, the active grateful recognition & demonstration that ALL IS GOD'S, and we are but stewards, and this brief life we have been given on earth is meant to be spent, not hoarded, poured out for the love of God & others and thereby investing solidly in ETERNITY. This, too, is real prosperity-- the flourishing of virtue, allowing grace to flow through you to others without selfish hindrance. You will "succeed in all you do" if your ultimate & only goal is to honor & serve God, and to do His Will. Then circumstances cannot ever leave you bereft, for your eternal hope is untouched, your spiritual harvest sure, fixed as they are in God and His Kingdom. Even if you fall deathly ill or are permanently injured, this is no curse if it is united with Christ. When we receive even our sufferings from His Hands, they BECOME blessings.
2) And THAT is my FAVORITE LINE of this-- the humble & meek, the persecuted peacemakers, the hungry & weeping, ALL of these souls are paradoxically BLESSED, BECAUSE THE HAND OF GOD IS UPON THEM. What a grace!! What a grace to RECOGNIZE that truth WITHIN those afflictions!
...
3) When we are genuinely so afflicted, the Heart of Jesus goes out to us.
...
4) Jesus INSISTS that the suffering BE CARED FOR. And isn't that another paradoxical blessing? When we are truly "one of the least of these," we become the recipients of Jesus's mandate of compassion. We become living opportunities for God to use others for Love, and for others to show and share that Love. We, in our very sufferings, are God's canvases to MANIFEST the Kingdom all the more, by His grace.
...
5) The action of curing IS BUT A SYMBOL of something even greater, something that DOESN'T REQUIRE A PHYSICAL CURE TO BE REAL.
...
6) THIS is why our care & compassion for the poor, or lack thereof, is apparently & shockingly our JUDGMENT STANDARD before the very Throne of the Creator. 
...
7) "NOW." Not eternally.
...
8) "Have their fill" vs "live on luxury," really. And LAUGHTER.
...
9) THE REAL & TRUE JOY, THE REAL ABUNDANCE, IS ONLY & ALL FOUND IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FATHER, THROUGH JESUS-- specifically in the "CONFIDENCE & FIRMNESS" of such.
...


"All that came to be was alive with His Life: may our lives be a light for men. Come today through the Church, Lord Jesus."
Oh this is PROFOUND.
1) Life itself comes from God, Who IS Life. The gravity of that doesn't always sink in as it should: God, the Uncreated and Eternal, Love and Truth Himself, IS LIFE. All existence, all consciousness, all breath and blood, ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE GOD EXISTS. Language fails me. Life, the basic state of everything, IS INHERENTLY GOD'S. But more specifically, even more profoundly, it is CHRIST'S. Literally the principle of BEING that exists and animates every star, every plant, every animal, and especially every human, IS CHRIST'S. It's like a blood transfusion, somewhat-- the life of another now gives you life, and without it you would die. But this is infinitely more. Christ gives Life to EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE BECAUSE HE IS LIFE. IT'S ALL HIM.
I'm sorry, I cannot say what I'm feeling. This is just astounding me. It's beautiful, it's terrific, I am so humbled and joyful that THIS IS OUR GOD, THAT IS WHAT GOD IS LIKE, God has poured His own spark into everything that is in order for it to LIVE.
2) SOLELY BECAUSE OF THIS, our own lives CAN be "a light for others"-- because they can SPECIFICALLY reflect the TRUE AND ONLY LIGHT to them, through our own life, AS HIS LIFE, as from Him. Literally just be existing we are testifying to the glory of God, to the goodness of Christ, but we humans have the unique gift of CONSCIOUSNESS and so we can reflect CHRIST as a Person qin a more "accurate" way than any other created thing-- especially since HE BECAME MAN Himself, TO help us to do just that!
...


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Book devotionals.

ttywpf =
"God does not wait for us to go to him, but it is he who moves toward us, without calculation, without quantification. “That is what God is like. He always takes the first step; He comes toward us... Where is God calling you to be like him and to take the first step toward others? Do you need to reconcile with someone? Do you need to show an act of kindness to someone in your life?"
We literally read this right after we had been thinking (for unrelated & unremembered reasons) about "reconciling" with TAS & TBAS, but feeling sadly like God "won't let us?" Like we're "not meant to be friends anymore," especially not with how abusive "I" was to them both in the past. The greater sacrifice & mercy would be to let them go free of me forever, never reimposing myself on their lives.
Still, God knows I wish that I could make proper restitution for what I did. I want, ideally, to apologize so completely and sincerely that they both have peace in their hearts, no more bitterness, no grudges, everyone is forgiven on all sides. The problem? I have no right nor power to expect such a response, or even to pursue one. There is ONLY ONE THING that I am required to do, the only thing in my power, the only thing I have any right to do-- I MUST COMPLETELY FORGIVE THEM. But for WHAT?? THEY DID NOTHING WRONG. The problem is, I'M PROJECTING MY OWN GUILT & SHAME & SELF-HATRED ONTO THEM. Even now I'm being an abuser. Typical.
...


EGJ was SO HEADSPACE RELEVANT it actually brought us to tears=
"Somehow love perseveres. We discover that compassion, patience, forgiveness, mercy, and humility are layered like mortar between the bricks of joy, laughter, delight, gratitude, and awe. Love is like that, simultaneously giving us everything we want and everything we need.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, love comes to life in defiance of all odds. When all feels lost, when cold darkness holds a tightening grip, love finds a way. The Holy Spirit inspires. Somehow we find everything we need to love one another as Christ loves us.
Today, prayerfully pause and acknowledge that the hardest things you've faced in life stirred something within you that helped you love more deeply. Name them and express gratitude for them."

...I can name them all, and I can look into their eyes as I do so.
Honestly this hit straight to the heart.
The System has, unfailingly, from the very beginning, been a powerful tool of God to help me/us love more deeply in the deepest darknesses of life. Our existence is proof that Love somehow perseveres. Every one of us is a testimony that Love comes to life despite all odds.
Christ reflects Himself in us. He uses us to bring us closer to Himself.
...


"Come, Holy Spirit! Drain from me my arrogance, my stubbornness, and my insecurity, and replace them with the Gifts of your strength, your fortitude, and your wisdom."
This is a simple prayer but I was inspired by the wording.
1) DRAIN it out.
2) The Spirit's strength replaces human arrogance.
3) The Spirit's fortitude replaces human stubbornness.
4) The Spirit's wisdom replaces human insecurity.



------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD = 1 Corinthians 13:13 PUNCH TO THE JAW, seriously =
"Three things will last forever: faith, hope, and love... You know what won't last forever? All your stuff... We don't care about all the stuff that people own when we talk about their life. We talk about the way that they made us feel. So how do you make people feel with your Christian life? Do people have more faith in Jesus when they're around you? Are they more hopeful about the future? And do they feel the love of Jesus when they're around you?  These three things are the true mark of a Christian and they should be a greater priority than all the stuff we're searching after: Faith, Hope, and Love. Do you have them?"
...We really don't, not anymore. WHY.
We don't make people "feel good" at all. We whine and complain and gripe and cry and panic. We're a mess. We're a horrible excuse for a Christian. Talking like this is a prime example in and of itself. Where is our hope? Where is our optimism and bright-eyed looking-forwards to an invisible yet promised dawn? What happened to us, that drained all the sparkle out of our soul?
...Most importantly, as far as our morose gut is concerned, we AREN'T living a Christian life. THAT'S the SCARIEST THING. We feel like we are STILL SO MUCH OF A SINNER that we would NEVER "pass" as a Christian, let alone "merit" to use the title at ALL.
...and... we still "don't know Jesus." At all. THAT is the most terrifying bit of it all.
How could we ever help the faith and love of others if we still don't know what that feels like ourselves?


"Advent is a time for reflecting on=
+ our faith in the Biblical promises,
+ our hope in Christ's arrival— past and future,
+ and God's love in sending His Son."

1) God keeps pushing us, more & more often & strongly as we grow in faith, to LEARN what His Promises ARE. Like it's becoming a hunger in our soul, just like that "starving to know Jesus" that keeps aiming us towards our BOOKSHELF and not our phone.
2) This surprised me. First, "ARRIVAL." Singular, referring to TWO events. This means they are ACTUALLY ONE. Christ's Birth in Humility is BOUND UP in His Return in Glory. Because the first arrival HAS happened in time, the second arrival HAS ALSO "HAPPENED" in eternity?? Look at the Book of Revelation! It's not just "guaranteed," in some sense it ALREADY IS.
Second, the actual virtue of hope, in this context. We are hoping IN, NOT "FOR". We're not looking forward to a possibility, or something that "might happen." The ARRIVAL is already present!! So our hope is IN IT. It's a beautiful paradox. We hope for "what we cannot see," and yet, that dual Arrival is the context of our entire lives!!
...
3) "We love because He first loved us." Faith & hope are ours, and will no longer be needed in heaven-- but Love is GOD'S, and it alone is truly ETERNAL.
...

On that note, the written reflection =
"Faith is crucial to Christianity. In fact, “Without faith it is impossible to please God...” (Hebrews 11:16). “Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1). But one day, faith will give way to sight and what was once foggy will suddenly become clear.
Hope is also essential to those who follow Jesus Christ. And we certainly have a great hope— based on facts, evidence, and witnesses— in the God who created us, gave His life for us, and will return for us once and for all. But one day, the future we hope for will become reality."

1) Faith isn't just "belief." It's TRUST. Christianity is hinged on a PERSONAL CHILDLIKE TRUST IN GOD AS FATHER, THROUGH CHRIST. That makes our religion stupendously unique and beautiful, unlike any other.
2) No matter how much "good" you do, if you don't trust God, you can't please Him. It seems so obvious, but I think we overlook it because of how completely it destroys all self-exaltation and efforts to "achieve", and our fallen tendency for proud autonomy is very scared of that! 
3)


"Spiritual gifts (like prophecy or knowledge) are helpful to the Church but simultaneously meaningless without an undercurrent of love."
THE THRISKEFONI SERIOUSLY NEED TO REALIZE THIS.
I genuinely hate to keep "pointing fingers" at them but they aren't getting the memo, as it were, and we KNOW from accessible memory of their front-echoes that THEY REALLY DON'T LOVE. And that is tragically terrifying.
...


A last reminder, from the prayer=
GOD CREATED FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE. They all originate in Him and can only come FROM Him. So pray and ask for an INCREASE of them in your heart, AND an increase in the CAPACITY of your heart TO hold them!! Then ask for God to increase your ABILITY TO SHOW those virtues to others, for HIS GLORY.
God has blessed us with such grace in giving us Jesus, Who IS the Source of those virtues for us!
He is The Light that conquers all darkness, as He appears right in the midst of it; He Himself IS Hope for the future. In Jesus we have invincible joy. But we must SHARE the Good News of His Birth with others, because without faith in Him, in His Advent of Love, they cannot experience true joy or hope at all-- because those virtues ARE ONLY REALIZED IN JESUS.
So BE BOLD, and PROCLAIM HIM, with sincerity & zeal, to EVERYONE. Realize the stakes if you DON'T!!
PRAY FOR THE GRACE TO DO THIS.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

An edited quote from an article=
"Jesus was born in Bethlehem so that, thirty-three years later, He could die for our sins on Calvary. Consider the Passion this little babe would undergo, as innocent at His death as He was at His birth. Reflect on His sufferings, and the incredible Love that motivated both His earthly nativity and His death."
1) I actually love pondering this truth: that Jesus was born so that He could die. That was His Intention from the very beginning. Imagine that! How that nobly colors His Life! In every moment, in every encounter, His Heart was fixed on His Death. Why? Because that Death was the point of EVERYTHING. It was to be, in time, the Event on which ALL time would reorient, and in which ALL Creation was to be remade. 
2) This next line hits SO HARD. Jesus is FOREVER PURE & INNOCENT AS A CHILD!! Crucifying Jesus was LITERALLY as heinous and horrific as CRUCIFYING AN INFANT. And yes, there ARE crucifixes that portray this most gutting of revelations.
There's also a line in the Divine Mercy Novena I always wondered about that says exactly this=
"Eternal Father, turn Your merciful gaze upon meek souls, upon humble souls, and upon little children... These souls bear the closest resemblance to [the Heart of] Your Son."
...

3) His BIRTH, too, was suffering!! As God, Jesus didn't "know" pain & suffering & sorrow like we sin-tormented mortals do. So, when in His great Love, He chose to suffer the Passion of His Death, He ALSO chose to suffer the unique Passion of His Birth. This was no "penalty of sin," just as Mary was spared the same. But Jesus was to learn, as a newborn babe, what hunger and cold and pain WERE. He was helpless, unable to even speak or crawl, completely at the mercy of others, and in great essential need-- as all infants are. But He was also born in a manger, outdoors, away from both home & society, in the frigid darkness, smelling of animals... as only the most destitute children are. He refused to be even one step above the lowliest human being; He insisted on being right there in the dirt with them, holding their hand. He chose this natal "Passion" with utmost Love, just as He chose its Paschal fulfillment-- in both, sharing most intimately in the condition of humanity at its most vulnerable & wounded. He became everything God was "not," save for sin. He became as tenderly human as possible, and this was first & foundationally expressed through His infant sufferings.



------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A final quote from Catholic Answers =

"So is Advent still a “penitential season”? It is, in the sense that all times are penitential times. The Catholic is called to constant conversion. Conversion is an ongoing aspect of the Christian life. There are times in our life when conversion may have a greater focus and others when it has a lesser focus, but there is no time when attention to conversion can be absent. Jesus calls us to “be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matt. 5:48), a constant task. So, yes, to the degree that we are all affected by sin (and we all are to a greater or lesser degree), in that measure, we also are all called to conversion. But the conversion we are called to in Advent has a distinctive character: one of “joyful hope.” A Catholic living Advent today is in a better position than Messianic prophets like Isaiah and Micah: he knows how the story turned out in Jesus of Nazareth. At the same time, today’s Catholic also knows how the story WILL turn out: the triumph of God and goodness, “when everything is subjected to Him... so that God may be all in all” (1 Cor. 15:28). We know that God, Who will come to judge the living and the dead, will prevail. The only thing we do not know is on which side we will be in that judgment: among the sheep or the goats. That is why Advent is a time of preparation and conversion: it is a time to make myself ready “for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ,” Judge of the living and the dead, King of the Universe. The way I prepare myself is through conversion of heart, from turning from creatures to the Creator, from sin to grace, [and] there is one, integral Life of Christ that remains the normative measure for every Christian [in this and all regards]. Whether we meditate on [it] in the rosary or observe [its events] through the course of the liturgical year, the motif should be the same: how these elements of His Life shape ours. Advent reminds us of what Jesus did for us so that, “now” (that little word we repeat in every Hail Mary), we may, by the prayers of Mary and all the saints, turn from whatever separates us from God and [turn at last] to God Himself. Advent reminds us that “now” is the only moment we actually have and are promised, as we have no guarantees of our future. So we seize the moment of grace, the kairos that is “now,” to prepare for Him who, by His past coming, made us aware He is coming back and that “My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what he has done” (Rev. 22:12). What is our response, for which we prepare during Advent and our entire lives? The very last words of the Bible: “Come Lord Jesus!” (Rev. 22:20). Maranatha!"
1) IT'S ALL PENITENTIAL. Laurie loves that. I do too.
...
2) Conversion NEVER STOPS. That's both strongly sobering & deeply comforting.
...
3) Our "constant task" in this regard is "PERFECTION"-- which CANNOT be achieved by man, nor in this life.
...
4) Advent brings joy and hope to our ongoing conversion. This is essential, because without it, our conversion can become morbid or overwhelming, especially with its perpetually penitential character.
...
5) We ACTUALLY KNOW "how it all turns out." Reflect on that, especially as we read the Biblical warnings & prophecies, AND see the worsening state of the secular world.
And HOW does it turn out? That's the beautiful bit. EVERYTHING will be subjected to God. No more rebellion, no more distortion, no more schism, no more isolation, no more disorder, no more falsehood, etc. Everything will be obedient to Christ the Lord, and Christ to His Father. God will be "ALL IN ALL." I adore that promise. And yes, it IS one! No matter WHAT happens, in all of temporal history, in the absolute end of everything GOD WILL BE ALL IN ALL. That's the last page of every book, as it were-- the complete & perfect & eternal triumph of Goodness and Life and Truth and Love, and the permanent bringing of the entire cosmos under His Holy Rule.
...
6) HOWEVER. We ALSO know that Christ WILL return as JUDGE. Sometimes I think people can forget that, in the focus on His final realized Kingship and our hopeful entrance into heaven-- too often Christians can ASSUME they're going to heaven, perhaps afraid to ponder the very real alternative, which WOULD be the ONLY option for us, if not for Christ's Sacrifice on our behalf. And yet WE'RE STILL NOT "GUARANTEED." Even now, even as Christians, we DON'T KNOW our ultimate judgment. We cannot know; that's the point. We must be vigilant & ardent & dedicated servants, both hopeful & contrite, with holy fear & childlike trust. To assume our salvation, EVEN though we hope in Christ's mercy, would be PRIDE. Furthermore, SALVATION DOES DEMAND "COOPERATION!!" It's all in Scripture! We've been called off the streets into the wedding banquet, absolutely, but are we wearing the wedding garment?
...
7) Advent is a preparation for the Second Coming IN the First Coming. Even as an Infant, Christ was Judge. His entire Life was a Judgment. How do we respond to Him? How do we meet Him in the manger, specifically, in such a scandalously humble state? If God has done this, if our King and Judge has chosen to experience this for Love of us, ALL of us, are we willing to do the same for love of Him, and all our brethren for His sake? THAT is HOW we will be judged, after all.
...
8) We must convert, but not blindly or haphazardly-- our conversion must CONFORM TO CHRIST'S EXAMPLE. That is SO IMPORTANT.
Where do we have this example to refer to? IN THE ROSARY AND THE LITURGY.
It's not automatic, either. We must meditate on it, actively pondering HOW Jesus's Life shapes our own, uniquely & individually, yet in absolute harmony with the Church-- and we must put it into action BY GRACE. That's the vital bit. We CANNOT do this by our own human willpower; it must be the work of the Spirit.
9) WE GAIN THIS GRACE THROUGH THE INTERCESSORY PRAYERS OF THE SAINTS???
...
10) Conversion is a constant turning. That's humbling & fascinating. It's like, somehow, we can always turn to face God a little more. We can always turn towards the Light. But we can also turn away, especially if we aren't paying attention.
Ponder this. Where are we turned to, right now? Where are we truly looking? In what direction are we really facing?
What creatures are we gazing at, moreso than the Creator? What sins are we fixated on, to the neglect of grace?
It's like the dirt or the sky-- you can only look at one at a time. You can either face the sunrise or turn your back to the glow.
What is separating us from God? What is preventing our turning fully to face Him?
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11) "NOW" IS ALL WE HAVE. That is a life-changing truth.
It's IN the Hail Mary!!
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12) The litmus test for ALL our preparation-- it must enable us to WELCOME JESUS NOW. If we're still saying, "not just yet, give me a minute, I'm not ready," then we are NOT TRULY LIVING OUR CONVERSION. To be honest about it, it MUST have that quality of FINALITY, that awareness of our mortality, and the immanent reality of Jesus's Presence NOW, which Advent points us to the historical breaking-in of. But that first Christmas CONTINUES in our hearts TODAY, and will until He returns at an unexpected hour, for which we MUST prepare NOW, no exceptions. It's not "okay, I've gotta get ready, but let me finish this first--" NO. RIGHT NOW. And the secret is that you make EVERYTHING into an act of conversion, no matter how mundane. You sanctify EVERYTHING, so that no matter where you are or what you're doing, you CAN say, "COME, LORD JESUS." You're as ready as you can be in this moment, and in that preparation-- in your constant conversion to look towards Him and Him alone-- you are expectantly waiting. You're "not the holdup." You're not distracted looking elsewhere. You've got oil for your lamp. Et cetera. You stay active in service-- you don't neglect your stewardship duties to just stare out the window!-- but you are ready in the work itself, and your deeds speak those same welcoming words in loving silence.
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