phone entries = mar 2025
030125
BRO TYPE ABOUT THIS!!!!
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/maclaren/2_thessalonians/1.htm
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030925
Transgender "gender feeling" fallacy =
MY "DEFINITION" OF "FEMALE" IS BROKEN!!!!
I ONLY EVER "FEEL FEMALE/ LIKE A GIRL" WHEN I'M SINNING!!!
Similarly, the term "woman" is SO UGLY/ POISONOUS to me; calling myself a "woman" IS EQUAL TO SAYING "I AM A RAPIST/ ABUSER"
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031425
TRAUMA NIGHTMARES =
ANGEL DUST AS A "PLACEHOLDER" FOR INFINITII!!!
ALL physical realities reflect deeper SPIRITUAL realities
"I don't need food" = rejecting SPIRITUAL food = GOD!!
REMEMBER THE EUCHARIST. BE CAREFUL!!
This is WHY God WON'T "erase" your hunger!! It reflects a TRUTH!
(Also BTW remember the dream around 0317(?) With Xander REDEEMED (angelic) helping me & grandpa??
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032025
Rosary visualization, unplanned =
My TRUEST INNER SELF is a HOLY CHILD about 7 YEARS OLD
And FEMALE
Jesus CAN GET ME OUT OF STAIRWELLS AND WALK THROUGH DOORS!!!
My "adult self image" CHANGES DRAMATICALLY BASED ON COLOR!!!
BROWN is TRAUMATIZED FEMALE SINNER GLUTTON.
RED is CANNON??
REDVIOLET?? is JEWEL LIGHTRAYE??
WHITE is "PRISM"?? ALSO "JAY"
CAN the Core hold OTHER colors???
Also DUOTONE!!!
BTW TILLY ACTUALLY HAS BLACK HAIR!!! SHE JUST WEARS A WHITE VEIL!!!
Today's devotional heavy hitters =
"When we love others, we are reflecting the love that God has for them. That is why it matters how we treat people. Our actions are a reflection of how God has loved us."
SO IF YOU DON'T LOVE OTHERS, YOU'RE DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU DON'T FEEL/ BELIEVE/ TRUST THAT GOD LOVES YOU.
It shows that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.
"We love God by worshiping Him and praising Him. We love others by doing good to them and sharing with them.
How are you doing at loving God and loving others? Do you spend time each day in Scripture and prayer, praising God for who He is? If we don't love God first and foremost, we won't be able to truly love other people in our lives."
God has taken away all my "opportunities for service" because I AM UNFIT. I am too vicious & scandalous yet. I need to be HEALED first. (So God PLEASE HEAL ME)
For YEARS-- literally TWO DECADES-- I've been at war with my body, with sex, and with food. The three are synonymous, effectively. It's a hell I can't seem to escape from. And yet... looking back on both the Archives and what little "blind" trauma sensory memory i have access to, I am actually currently doing BETTER than I EVER have before. That seems bizarre, as it's still a living nightmare, but it's true. I thank the Lord God Almighty on my increasingly bony knees for that. I credit His Grace entirely, and therefore for getting me into daily Bible Study and Prayer, with Mass and Adoration whenever possible. The channels are open where they weren't in the past, not even for Tilly. That has made a world of difference.
...and yet I can't seem to stop, yet. Jesus keeps saying "it's your hunger" but He won't take it away because "I need it" for higher purposes too. "Same with desire" apparently, which i hate so keenly I'd murder it in sight but I guess it's hiding in this cursed ravenous destructive impulse that hits whenever I eat more than 500 calories a day.
It's not eating so much as it's annihilation, by the way. The main point of EVERY "binge" is to DESTROY the food. "Get rid of the threat/ danger/ enemy/ evil." The ONLY reason I even binged today is because we had carrots in the house, "bravely" tried one slice, then another, and then "poison panic" hit so "now we have to eat them all and throw them up" because apparently that's how you detox so you won't die from carrot infection. It's insane.
I hope to God we can get through the next three days "green." We mark the calendar now. This month has too many red "X-es". It's disturbing & depressing.
The rule is, I'm not allowed to sleep in bed until we get three clean days in a row. I had ONE bed day last month I think. Besides that, I literally haven't slept in my own bed since like... July.
That's really sad.
Does this count as a "cross" if it's literally a vice? Aren't crosses supposed to be "for good people"? How ironic. "Grandma was a wonderful, pure woman, with a clear conscience and a solid reputation for charity and good works. THEREFORE, she was given the heavy cross of lung cancer and severe neuropathy SO THAT her suffering would UNITE HER TO CHRIST and therefore GET HER TO HEAVEN." That's how I've always understood it.
On the contrary, "Jessica is a rebellious, self-willed, bratty, brazen girl who is cruel to her brothers and disobedient to her parents. She is a master manipulator, a spiteful bully, a petty thief, and a budding sadist. She will grow up into a violent, angry, useless waste of flesh, a dishonor and disgrace to her family. She will be a perverted whore, a robber of widows, a conpulsive liar, a heartless backstabber, a lazy dirty slob, and-- most of all-- a selfish, wasteful, destructive glutton. Her daily life is defined by sin. THEREFORE, Jessica DOESN'T GET A CROSS, because she doesn't deserve to suffer for Christ. Devils like her go straight to hell. She is rejected and isolated from the Church both on earth and in heaven. She gets no part of it. Nobody wants her. Only Satan wants her, to murder her for all eternity. THEN she will suffer."
...Why is THAT how it works for me??
This daily life, this horrible eating disorder, IS ALREADY HELL AND I HATE IT. the problem? This body LIKES to have food. This body WANTS to keep eating once I start. It feels like I'm DOOMED to fail, like I'm "locked in" to this warzone. I don't want to eat. I hate it. And whenever I try, this happens. And its torture. But that's my point-- I'm already in hell, but I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. I just apparently CANNOT, and that is terrifying.
Only God can get me out of here. Why hasn't He done so yet? This is a SIN!! He cannot "want" me to stay here! So what's going on? Is it just my weakness? Is it just the fact that i "could have" been free & safe today IF I had resisted the carrot terror? Or yesterday, if "feeling safe" wasn't scarier than forcing fear & anxiety? Or the weekend, if I didn't "give in to healthy compulsions" that I was too afraid to actually eat and so ended up destroying "to be safe"? Or never saying "no" to mom forcing unhealthy and/or triggering foods on me, out of fear that in response she'll reject me at last? Or what about the countless times I buy and eat and purge in tears the foods that remind me of grandma? They won't bring me back to her. But they do give me memories I can't reach otherwise, immersive memories of being a small child, standing in her kitchen at night, with nothing else existing but home and her. I can't even FIND those memories apart from the foods they're ATTACHED to. It makes me want to weep. Those memories "aren't even mine" and yet I NEED them now more than the air I breathe, many nights.
And remember I used to do the same thing with TBAS.
I'm telling you, this grief will be the death of me.
But I don't want to die in sin, oh please God.
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032125
Atonement + death + resurrection + forgiveness etc. ALL CONNECTED in Christ's Passion =
"God renders them as right as Himself the moment they place trust in Christ’s death as payment for their sin. God henceforth treats them as judicially right in His eyes. They are right because God resolved His justice at the cross." & "Christians stand in Christ’s perfect righteousness before God eternally because they trust the blood of Christ to forgive them."
DO WE TRUST THIS???
IS THIS TIED TO INFI'S DEATH TOO??? IS THAT WHAT GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH US???
CAN INFI NOT RESURRECT/ CAN WE NOT BE HEALED OF TRAUMA + E.D. UNTIL WE TRUST THIS PRICE HAD BEEN PAID IN LOVE???
ALSO "“Believed” means to be persuaded of, and hence, to place confidence in. When we believe in Christ, we place confidence in or credit Jesus as the only One who can save us from our sins. We entrust our entire eternal future to Christ Jesus. He is worthy of our trust."
IS ALL MY "TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW ATONEMENT WORKS / HOW I AM FORGIVEN / THE MECHANISM OF SALVATION" ETC. ACTUALLY PREVENTING ME FROM FAITH????
Also THIS HITS SO HARD =
"Justification is different. It doesn’t say, you have done wrong, but I will try to forget it. It focuses on the wrong done, and says squarely, this was wrong. This was very wrong. It was unjust. Since justice is God’s love spread around to lots of sinners, our sin violated love. It needs to be publicly declared wrong, publicly punished, so that all will know that justice must be served for such a wrong done. Justification says, your sin was displayed publicly as worthy of condemnation and terrible punishment in Christ. When we say that we believe Christ died for our sins, we are not just forgiven, we are justified. In our conscience, as believers, we feel that we MUST say that justice has been served for our sins, because otherwise we make His terrible death on our behalf of no account.
This is the big difference between forgiveness and justification. Forgiveness leaves justice on the table, it leaves sin unpunished but unjustified. Among the brethren, we have something greater than forgiveness with one another. We have the understanding that their sin against us has been declared unjust and wrong with vengeance and violence. It has been abundantly addressed. I don’t have to think that I am just trying to forget what they have done to me or that they are trying to forget what I have done to them. Forgetting is not the issue or the power of attorney here. The blood of Jesus Christ is the power, and it is most certainly sufficient... True forgiveness on our part acknowledges that [our] justification in Christ is sufficient, and I refuse to say otherwise. Forgiveness under Christ is stronger than mere forgetfulness, it is constantly putting the sins of [both ourselves and all others] under the terrible wrath displayed publicly on the cross... it accounts for the vengeance that our soul knows must be visited upon our various sins."
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032325
Double Mass morning like we used to! We MISS THIS SO MUCH.
"Lectio Divina" chastened; we're not LISTENING enough, we're STUDYING.
Took time to just let the Word (true Bread) "digest" for once (!!!) and finally got TITUS 1:15 INSIGHT = "pure" meaning "unmixed"; "single hearted" = GOD ALONE; as opposed to WORLDLY concerns = pride / ego = IDOLATRY OF SELF = "impure heart" of Matthew 15
"YOU CAN'T 'FEEL' GRACE; THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT THERE"
REMEMBER PROGINOSKES!!!
⭐HARROWING OF HELL = NEW ADAM REDEEMS OLD ADAM = CHANGES ALL HUMANKIND BY NATURE POTENTIAL IN THIS??
⭐HOLY FRUIT = SYSTEM + SPHERES NEED IT
In temptation, "GOD'S PRESENCE IS THE ESCAPE PLAN"
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032425
Slept in SO WEAK + DIZZY
Dreams good-- me, chaos 0, knux & rouge
Went to Adoration
⭐THE ED IS ABOUT BOUNDARIES?? "PURITY"!!!
CONTAMINATION, INVASION, POISON, ETC.
"ALL OR NOTHING" = EITHER A FIELD OR A FORTRESS
⭐TIED TO RELATIONSHIPS, ESP. SEXUAL TRAUMA!! BULIMIA IS COPING WITH THIS = "CAN'T SAY NO" SO WE "REJECT IT IN PRIVATE"
⭐THIS IS AFFECTING LAURIE. "WHAT AFFECTS THE CORE AFFECTS HER" SPECIALLY DIRECTLY
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032525
Terrifying night. Twitchy, weak, couldn't breathe. Chest pain & tingly numbness in extremities. Legit had 911 on speed dial
Woke up 5am, just in time to watch the overseas Mass online ❤
https://www.youtube.com/live/m9WLJfqV0Xw?si=U8g4bBkpOZxQHm0k
"Holiness is allowing God to fulfill His dream of Love, which is you. Don't fake it. Don't be afraid."
"Your life has infinite value" = it is a GIFT from God, Who created you ON PURPOSE for a SPECIFIC PURPOSE. You exist for a REASON and you are MEANT to be here
Got bits of sleep from 8am to 2pm
In the meantime doing ED & vocation research
My body legit hungers to EXERCISE.
Youversion devotional Deuteronomy 6:5 = COMMITMENT on our part BECAUSE GOD IS THAT COMMITTED TO US.
Heart = Jesus
Soul = Holy Spirit
Mind = Scripture
Strength = Second Coming!!
JORDAN PETERSON CLIP + COMMENTS JUST GAVE ME A CLARIFYING BREAKTHROUGH
https://youtube.com/shorts/voZN-qFXpQk?si=fXuUustM33LsTEKq
@benthornhill7903 + 25 min ago
Absolutely right. | had issues with substances until I found work that was more meaningful to me than the “fun" of getting drunk/ high.
@jimmcfarland9318 + 52 min ago
If you look at a running technique called Fartlek, which is also expressed in Galloway, you'll see that the afferent signal from the decreasing heart rate (one elevated) reaches the Nucleus accumbens. Basically, it's a reward for "killing the bear or escaping it." This happens via the vagus nerve, which is also triggered by eating and [sex]. Eating disorders and pornography addiction use the same vagus nerve, different stimuli.
The Kenyans have perfected vagus nerve racing, triggering the release of dopamine during a race. (I figured this out over 15 years ago.)
@draighodge6039 + 1h ago
This is why religious prohibitions fail: people need to do something (else). For example, "Don't steal”, is easier to obey when one has gainful employment.
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