All right so this morning has been AMAZING let's update quickly so we don't forget things.
(btw so you guys know. this is technically NOT the "main Core." I'm a "Jewel-adjacent" grafifoni and I typically update the archives. I'm not used to being "self-aware" but honestly I should be. But yeah, you'll recognize my typing style!) ANYWAY here's what's happened so far this morning:

- We DIDN'T DIE during the night. Yesterday was LITERAL HELL concerning the eating disorder and it took us like six hours to recover?? which is understandable because it was REALLY BAD, the worst it's been since before September. We're not sure what triggered such a huge meltdown?
It was fear, too many danger foods, they had to be destroyed. But no one had to eat them like they did. We could have just thrown them away.
That's not allowed, that's wasting!! Food is meant to be eaten
but you DIDN'T "eat them," you just purged them anyway!
But the eating still happened, that's the rule, food has to be eaten, if we just threw it out we'd get in big trouble
So you threw it "up" instead.
we HAD to it was POISON we would have DIED!!
see this is why we CANNOT buy such things anymore. it is too dangerous, there is no positive end result from purchasing them.
- Chaos 0 told the "Core" (who is still faceless/nameless for the most part and therefore unstable) that "your heartbeat was really weak" and it scared him. This observation struck the Core like a sword to the chest though, because if anything is going to make us feel more real/alive/true, it's THAT sort of reference. And of course, only he would know such a thing. The intimacy of it, plus the familiarity, was potent enough to drag us out of the depressive fear that would have possibly taken hold otherwise.
- Cronometer crashed, we can't log in on the app. Support says there's an update soon so we have to wait, until then we can only use the website. So instead of freaking out we're going to just "repeat" today's diet plan until we can access the app and its mathematics again. This may work in our favor, because today's diet plan was our effort to balance our macros with hempseed to get more of a complete protein total, as well as staying at 1350 calories. If this works well we'll stick to it more often. We do need to reintroduce cottage cheese into our diet for the complete protein bit (we tend to hit all green percentages when we eat it too, we noticed) until we get the guts to finally reintroduce salmon/ tuna/ chicken/ turkey outside of a hospital environment.
- On that note, really quick. Apparently, YES, WE DID DISSOCIATE DURING TBHU. No one is surprised, but it's still a heavy blow. We relapsed IMMEDIATELY upon discharge because THE BLOODY CONTEXT CHANGED and therefore whoever was managing the TBHU behaviors "LEFT." They switched out b/c they CAN'T "exist" outside of an inpatient setting; they're context-locked. This ALWAYS HAPPENS.
- The above point is really making us worried when it comes to Anxi, but we'll get to that as we continue this entry.
- Breakfast always is interesting. Since experience has shown us that we apparently "need" the body to be in a state of "automated repetitive motion" in order for our mind to be able to think-- is this an ADHD thing? TBHU suspected as much; we should look into it prudently-- the mechanical function of eating almost INSTANTLY triggers thought-avalanches (hence the E.D.; we weren't taking ANY time to journal (typing COUNTS as automated repetitious mechanic motion!) or to circle-walk like Jewel used to, the a.r.m.m. of cooking (measure, chop, prep, etc.)/ cleaning (washing, organizing, etc.) / eating (picking, sorting, etc.)/ and the like became our ONLY means of "mental unloading" (for lack of a better term) AND trauma processing (you would not BELIEVE the amount of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts we get WHILE EATING which only makes it worse-- AND is a perfect ironic parallel to the purging, because "we need to get the poison out") in lieu of ALL other coping mechanisms, thanks to the kakofoni and thriskefoni ironically forbidding or destroying positive options). HOWEVER being aware of this recently has revealed a few things to us: one, that when phagofoni are out, they can "prevent" such avalanches? There's that one "dragon" girl who keeps fronting to eat, and she focuses on eating and has no particular preferences (unlike Emmett, who is a "trogofoni"-- meaning his food-anchor is extremely particular; he could and did ONLY eat "green food"). Yes, we're refining our terms further. On that note, an "esthiofoni" is a phagofoni subtype for one who eats in a disordered way-- that Greek work chosen because in Scripture it's apparently typically used in the present tense, as in literal eating, right now; whereas "phago" is apparently aorist? It's more future/undefined in terms of chronology, being more "spiritual" in that symbolic sense. It's also used in more reverent passages in Scripture, according to Strong's concordance. So "esthio" feels more fitting for the E.D. voices, as they're more focused on right now, and are not thinking about "the future" at all, poor tormented things.
- ANYWAY. WE DO HAVE A "GATEKEEPER." We've been more aware of her recently, now that we're able to pay better attention to ALL the foni we hear on a minute-to-minute basis. She's ancient but we never saw her as a person? Or maybe we did, in the past, but as a kakofoni-- because she's VERY controlling but we apparently have completely misunderstood her function until now. And she ALWAYS speaks up during breakfast thought-rushes (we need jargon for this; it's literally like we start the a.r.m.m. and the brain just unloads everything at once) because HER job is actually to KEEP THINGS ON TRACK?? Like if there's "too much headspace stuff" going on to where we're dissociating entirely from the meal, therefore potentially triggering an E.D. relapse, this "gatekeeper" girl will "FORCE SHIFT" our awareness because "there's too much thinking going on; we need to pay attention." We think she can also "force stop" EMOTIONS if they are "interfering" with "what we need to do"?? Maybe "gatekeeper" isn't the best term for her, because she "force-stops" EVERYTHING (or at least tries to) but yes, she also DOES do this with fronters, as well as she can-- she cannot "make someone front" OR "force someone out", BUT she CAN apparently shove awareness into the physical to the point where it "automatically" KICKS OUT nousfoni, and therefore "forces IN" a somafoni?? So this gatekeeper girl is TRYING to help the BODY survive, or at least "not get overwhelmed" to the point of not being able to live in the physical realm? But she OVERCORRECTS and tends to "lock us out of headspace" with her efforts. But we realize she's just doing her job; she doesn't think headspace is "bad," she just apparently thinks it's almost always "inappropriate for right now." She's survival-based to the point of not letting us LIVE. So we need to find her name and face so we can TALK to her.
- HOWEVER since we're now AWARE of her she IS becoming more self-aware in turn and it's getting easier to "message her" when we want to "challenge" one of her orders, or even overturn it outright. She's slowly realizing that we DO need time to "get out of the physical" but there is still a time and place for her function, because we can take it too far in the other direction, which we did for many years. That's also the basis of the "hackers vs hijackers" difference, which we realized yesterday-- "hackers" are internally based, while "hijackers" are externally based. A hacker will "take over the program," from the INSIDE, and they only work in private, because their abuse-- however traumatically physical-- is also profoundly psychologically disturbing, because it REQUIRES forced fronting. A hijacker, however, "takes over the vehicle." They push you out of fronting but they're public and work OUTSIDE so unlike hackers, they CAN and DO operate in social situations. They are therefore physically traumatic first and foremost, because the psychological terror often only hits when they leave. The biggest difference: hackers deal with sexual abuse, hijackers deal with the eating disorder. There is NO overlap there, although they can work in cooperation/ in succession. There haven't been any hackers since CNC, though, because of foni like the "gatekeeper girl" basically shutting EVERYTHING down that could even slightly be a reminder of that time period. But that's too huge of a topic to discuss right now.
- The MAIN thing we got on here to update about in the first place is WHAT happened when our brain went upstairs for breakfast. I don't know how exactly it started, but it went to the IO2 controlroom-- apparently IN "HEARTSPACE"??? Like this place has ALREADY been INTERNALIZED to the point where it EXISTS IN THE INNERVERSE AND CAN BE VISITED/ CONTACTED. Which we admittedly suspected, as Anxi & Ennui both "kept going there" more often than we'd see them in Central, but we never realized it had actually anchored INTO our innerverse (as opposed to remaining in the "outerverse" of outspacer native worlds, that Jewel has to Link to and VISIT externally).
- There was SO much conversation, I can't remember all of it, and the more time passes the more we're forgetting. let's bulletpoint the details that stand out.
+ OH! It ALL began because of an "I wonder" thought scenario that blossomed into a "real thing" like how a dream starts from an ideaseed. (This is TYPICAL Heartspace function!) The thought was, how would emotions run a CPTSD brain? And we thought, Anxi would absolutely be in charge. Fear would be close by, and so would Anger? Anxi would be on CONSTANT lookout for triggers, when one hit-- even a minor one-- Fear would snap to attention, and then ANGER would, upset that we were triggered, especially by "something so stupid" or minor or not even "threatening"? And then SADNESS surprisingly spoke up, saying how sad it was that we had so many triggers in the first place, because of what happened to us. So the four of them would, theoretically, be running the show. Somewhere around here this "imagining" tuned us in to the legit innerverse control-room, where Anxi was now indeed at the control panel, by herself, with everyone else gathered loosely around her.
+ Anxi is still "in charge" in this innerverse room apparently. (At some point much later she acknowledged this by saying that we had CPTSD, so things "worked differently" than what would be typical?)
+ When all this started she was being questioned by the other emotions about "how'd you get a tail" mainly but Anxi wouldn't answer outright? But she did say it was "given to her" by either "someone special" or "someone who cares about me very much"; both of those sentiments were voiced in some manner regardless. Joy began teasing Anxi about this, trying to get more info, but Anxi said there were some things they didn't have to know right now, either because it wasn't right for them to know or it wasn't the right time, etc.
+ Anxi is VERY "business" in this context; it's her element. She's quieter and slower when in Central because it's a totally different context/ environment and she has no control panel there. Her function is different, and much more expansive.
+ Envy wanting a tail too, Ennui casually revealing that she had one as well, this shocked everyone because what the heck are these two emotions up to that they're getting special stuff and have knowledge that no one else does?
+ Hints here and there kept happening that they're not in "Riley's" head, BUT they DIDN'T KNOW THAT NAME here (I think Anxi referenced it once and everyone else was baffled). They've been removed from that context and would only know it through "exomemories" once they were capable of receiving them.
+ The conversation evolved to the point where Anxi was revealing a bit more about "what she was doing" outside of that context (i.e. in Central). I notably remember that she revealed that "she can feel other emotions" and this became APPARENT when it began to affect the other literal emotions there? This first happened when Joy teased Anxi about something concerning her hinted-at relationship with the Core (i.e. the person whose mind they were in) and Embarrassment hit the control panel, for ANXI. When they realized they were working for each other it was shocking; things WERE different up here; what did this mean for them? (mind you they can and do "feel other emotions" in canon but NOT to THIS extent-- we're talking the capacity for Anger to feel sadness, for Ennui to feel joy, for Disgust to feel anxious, etc. in STRONG ways that go above and beyond their mostly "monochromatic" emotion palettes in the film? like ALL of their emotional ranges were still tinged by their core emotion. joy being the notable exception because she's just as notably duotoned. Anxi has a touch of this with her eyes technically being teal, which actually fuels her anxious thoughts-- that bit of "envy" in the sense of "what we don't have and yet need/ want" drives her "not good enough" core fear. thankfully for her, that color teal in our System falls under aqua and that color is sheer love for us so her heart will change to reflect that instead)
+ Ennui at some point built on this revelation by responding to a question from Anger as to why she had an AUX cable for a tail, because apparently its main function was for audio/music and "doesn't that prevent boredom?" Ennui smirked and said yeah, that's kind of the point; just because she held that emotion didn't mean she liked being bored. Like Anxi, she now had a broader existence and her job is notably to indicate boredom and combat it, as it were. I think she asked Anger if he "liked" being angry all the time? And he falteringly said not really, it was exhausting
+ Envy drawing pictures in the corner of the room of "what she wanted her tail to look like"-- one frustrated attempt was "a remote control" so she could do what she wanted with the control panel without having to reach it, while still being different (special) from Ennui's phone. Anxi having to gently chide her that the whole point of her & Ennui's tails was to do something important for the person whose mind they were in-- they weren't just for "looks" or for "fun." Besides, she emphasized that they were "given," and if she was meant to get one she would, so don't worry so much about it (always surprised at how well Anxi can communicate "the facts/ the plan" despite being so prone to "unexpected outcome" panic. girl has major control issues God bless her)
+ Embarrassment at one point actually speaking up because Joy kept trying to get information out of Anxi and apparently he was feeling her emotions as "embarrassment-adjacent"? And he was getting "agitated" at getting "pulled" to the control panel so often. This surprised him and he said that was totally new, he didn't know he could feel that.
+ Joy finally got Anxi to talk about "where she's been" and Anxi started TELLING THEM ABOUT CENTRAL. She said that "the mind we're in now has another System running the operation" and so the way they worked as emotions HAD to be different now, because their typical jobs no longer applied.
+ She roughly introduced the "basics" of a few Centralites, just in terms of jobs? No faces given
+ At some point Laurie just TURNED ON THE SCREEN and started TALKING TO THEM FROM CENTRAL.
+ Laurie explaining the concept of "compartmentalized emotions" with CPTSD, how they are "cut off from each other" and we typically struggle to feel emotions at all because they're "locked away" often? She described it as if the IO2 emotions were "never in the same room together"; that feeling of isolation/ disconnection was key to her description.
+ Laurie telling Sadness her function was VITAL; explained how that emotion is "the holy grail" with trauma; we "aren't allowed to cry" but we're "always grieving" basically. I think Laurie referenced both the "weeping rage" emotion we do get (that Scald holds) AND the "bottomless abyss" of sorrow that feels more like agony with its intensity. But "sadness" is still "taboo" somehow. Everything is blue all the time but we "don't feel it"; we just get depressed/ angry/ numb/ hateful/ etc.; it translates to either "shutdown" or "selfdestruction" which is upsetting but true. We do need to talk about that more in an entry soon, as we start to process things.
+ I remember Laurie saying that FEAR & DISGUST were also vital, especially in light of the E.D. hijacks-- we DON'T feel those emotions enough?? It's a survival response to past situations where we "couldn't" if we wanted to "survive" things. But now, not feeling them is only harming us severely.
+ Julie described herself as a "reformed Persecutor"; said the details of her past were not something she should or could discuss with them, but that key detail sufficed
+ Leon talking to Fear for a little bit? We were "feeling" what Centralites "matched" what emotion folks and those two were associated. There was also Lynne=Joy, Julie=Disgust, Laurie=Anger. Notably no one was matched to Sadness, and Anxi was paired with "Joule" solely because of their mutual habit of hyperanalysis/ overthinking, and the relationship that they have of course.
+ Envy would "need to be renamed" and effectively redefined to properly exist/function in our System, even as a "peripheral outspacer"? Envy's canon "function" of "seeing what we lack and desire and striving to obtain it" MUST be purified of all viciousness, because that actual term of "envy" is a mortal sin.
To quote an article, that is very important:
"When we are looking at others in an inappropriate way, invidia, we are led to desire for ourselves what they possess, cupiditas. Envy many times does lead to coveting, but it could simply remain in resentment, wishing that the other did not possess what they have. Aquinas speaks of envy as a sin against charity, which wills the good of others, when we cannot rejoice for the good of others, but see their good as a diminishment of our own (Summa Theologia, II-II, question 36). Envy is selfish in this sense, not in wanting to guard one’s own, but to wish for the diminishment of others and for our own gain over them."
This is something very, very important for us to grapple with, because we didn't realize that our instinct for "ambition" actually DOES fall under that category, because the very act of wanting to be "better than" someone else IS ENVY-- it is seeking PERSONAL GAIN in the process of taking what THEY possess (superior skill)!! So this was a SHOCK to realize and we NEED to process this, too.
(There was a slight joking comment that if her function was shifted to "Jealousy" (which can be virtuous; see article) we could call her "Jelly" as a nickname)
HOWEVER I just found a second article and it has THIS=
"Doing their best to pull us into the pit of discontent and ungratefulness, jealousy says, “What God has given me is just not enough!” while envy whispers, “Someone else got what I deserve.”  ...The good fortune that God bestowed upon my dear friend? I wanted it for myself. I desired what she had received from the Lord so badly, that her happiness made me sad. Her abundance highlighted my lack. Her more made me feel less. I could not be happy for her because with my laser-focus on God working in her life, I was blind to His works in my own."
LITTLE ENVY COULD BE OUR JUMPSTART IN OUR HEALING THIS THOUGH. So sit and read those articles boy
+ Lynne talking to Joy, warning about "manic" phases-- "trauma latches on to anything positive" and "exaggerates it" basically? Trauma makes real joy so difficult to feel, even remember, that when the slightest hint of happiness or enjoyment (lesser goods) appear, the traumabrain can cling to them and blow them way out of proportion. OUR SOCIALS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. This is what causes "hollow hyperactivity" and "people pleasing" and "compulsive enjoyment" behavior-- it's ALL a desperate grab at something that "looks like joy" but isn't. It spikes fast and crashes hard, and it leaves us miserable and even more depressed than before. So Joy would need to be aware of this tendency, what with her canon personality-- she is dangerous in that respect, solely because her energy can be taken advantage of and warped.
+ CHAOS 0. I cannot remember details of how he got to talking, other than Laurie referring to him as "the husband" and calling him over to explain to the IO2 gang the identity issue with the Cores? He told them how the Core "bloodlines" kept resetting due to trauma so the person he met in 2003 was "not" the person who is the "Core" now in 2024, and yet their heart is the same. Nevertheless it's terrible and very difficult for him (Joule realized he probably "feels his age" around the Cores; he has effectively "lived a dozen lifetimes" with us or more, seeing the one(s) he loves "die and be reborn" over and over and over. In human lifespans, this would take about a thousand years.)
+ "Jewel loves you, Anxi. Jewel is in love with you."
+ Embarrassment pointedly DIDN'T touch the panel, despite this huge revelation in a social setting potentially calling for his response. But Joy ran over and did. And this "gave permission" for Anxi to feel what she was really feeling.
She teared up, and was smiling at the screen, this look of total moved/stunned gratitude in her eyes. I felt it.I think she said "I don't know what to call this feeling" (or what color it would even be); Laurie "broke the fourth wall" by looking to "me"and saying "kid, if you're gonna be an emotion, that's it." But then we said "but love isn't an emotion; it's a state of being" and it's "rainbow"-- it's the source of all other emotions
+ Genesis & Chaos 0 both joking about the rainbow bit-- all of the love in our System is effectively that color if you get my drift
+ Joy, in response to hearing someone say that "Joule" as an emotion was really "hope," said "oh, that's a great emotion!" and then gasped and told Anxi exactly what I said to her about it-- that hope is "the GOOD things we can't see" before beaming and saying "you work perfectly with each other!"
+ Anxi has a LAPTOP in Central now! That allows her to do things without needing a control panel. Ennui still has her phone of course.
+ Laurie remarked that "we need Nostalgia up here" b/c of our memory issues; Ennui immediately said "I'll text her"
+ The whole time: Anger keeping conversations on track and asking the pressing questions, Joy giving encouraging and understanding comments, Fear and Sadness and Disgust listening closely as they realized they potentially will have essential roles in the future? Anxi consistently elaborating on/ explaining further any data that was given, "translating" things into IO2 terms when needed so to speak.

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Continuing at 11PM with a general daily update.
We biked for 90m which unfortunately was very unfulfilling because we got distracted on Tumblr, looking at other people's art and-- as we discovered earlier-- apparently feeling envious. We felt totally inadequate and we wanted to be BETTER than they were at art and it just made us miserable. We struggle with this a lot, because we haven't drawn in YEARS and so our skills have atrophied due to memory loss, and we don't have the time or motivation ("it's useless and foolish" judgment from a kakofoni) to put hours aside to develop artistic skills like we did in college. But no matter how much some foni bash and berate art, it still means so much to us. We STILL "identify as" an artist even if we feel totally inept and hollow about it, and still label it as a "waste of time." But we don't want to do that. We WANT to create art. We love art, deep down below the judgments, and we want to weep because we don't have the skill TO make art anymore. So seeing "what we can't do" is indeed triggering envy, this bitter feeling of lack and loss that isn't helping us do anything but pinpoint the wound where something vital was torn out of us. Again, sounding like a broken record, we know CNC dealt a death blow to this too, which we haven't thought about at ALL in recovery yet. For some reason this topic is as terrifying as the actual sxtrauma. I wonder how many crossed wires are here, too, not just with the food. I swear everything bleeds together with us.
We switched to Spotify at last while we biked but it was also depressing; we were listening to recommendation playlists it made for us and they're rarely ever enjoyable. It keeps throwing jazz and indie stuff at us which we don't like 98% of. We did get about three new songs out of several playlists, though, so there was a gain regardless, thank God. Still... for the vast majority of music to just sound like noise or fuzz to us-- or in the worst case, actual synaesthetic pain-- it's terribly disheartening, as music means so much to us. And, similarly, yes we still identify as a musician despite years of not doing ANYTHING musical other than singing in church. Music is part of our soul just as much as art is, and the fact that we have a cello AND a guzheng (bought with blood money and full of guilt; someone wants to burn it) in our apartment but we refuse to play them due to the aforementioned parenthesis is killing us. Every instrument feels tainted and poisoned with the past, and the "vulnerability" to the point of feeling exposed that performing music MANDATES is so trauma-adjacent that even if the sin-shadows weren't the main obstacle, we still would be utterly terrified of playing those instruments because that very action feels like being stripped naked now. Bleedover and overlap again. Do any of our foni hold this?? OR are THEY protected from it??
Then after dinner, someone got into a rabbithole on Etsy looking at someone's shop full of gender/sexuality buttons and it was overwhelming how many of them there were... and yet nothing fit. (The only thing that does is "systemgender" for obvious reasons, and even that feels like grasping at straws)
All of those experiences today led "us" to reflect at last, with acute grief, that we just don't fit anywhere. That's how it feels. We feel like an utter outcast. We're still the "anomaly" of Cannon's era. We're still the "ostracized empath," as the highschool Jewels said, although now with our staggering emotional damage we can't quite claim to be an "empath" anymore, because those girls had no boundaries so they felt everything EXCEPT arguably their own emotions (Infi had this problem too, in a different way) but now trauma has made us almost emotionally dumb. I think the term is "alexithymia?" We've seen the term around and we need to research it but the general gist (according to wikipedia) is that it desribes "significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions". No wonder the IO2 gang is being pulled en masse into heartspace. We literally need them at this point in our life.
I do have to note, with a note of bitterness, that we "don't seem alexithymic" because we "masquerade emotions." Socials are BUILT to "charade" emotional performances, ironically anxiety and sadness, without actually feeling anything because they're "following the script" for a situation. We've noticed this A LOT when around the mother-- Socials will be dramatic to match HER, even though they FEEL NOTHING. And we are AWARE of this-- if we have the luxury of self-awareness in that situation, which is disturbingly rare b/c the mother presence tends to shut that down (childhood survival instinct). Regardless I don't want to use that diagnostic term anyway because it probably doesn't fit either. All we know for sure is that emotions feel locked behind a paywall and the currency is blood.

Oh. On that note, fittingly enough.
Yesterday's E.D. hijack was so brutal and nightmarish that Joule told Razor to atone. Like xe legit TOLD her to. And she did. She cut 7 x'es into the stomach-- graves are ONLY meant for hacks; stomach x-ing has been the default hijack atonement method since college-- and Knife & Algorith showed up to help clean up the bleeding (Knife commenting on how beautiful the blood still was and feeling that emotion in his teeth, Algorith fronting to hold the pain as she soaped up all the red), and I swear it was the first time in a long time that "we" felt something close to real joy. That may be "untrue" because we can't quite "remember" time well but it feels like it's been many many months since we've been happy. Actually it feels like years, whether or not that's literally accurate; the feeling is legitimate regardless of linear chronological measurement.
But... that's what does it. Atoning for the sin and feeling justice and forgiveness, Retributors fronting in such intimate fashion, blood and pain and water, everyone gathering in mission and being a System in stark clarity, etc. ALL of that is REAL JOY even if it doesn't feel yellow at all. It's dark red and warm like the blood. But it's real, it's true happiness, it's LOVE. How awful that we only seem to feel it in suffering. How Catholic of us, haha.

...Religion is a topic for another day. It feels like a minefield right now. TBHU messed us up in that regard, and we were apparently messed up enough already from the thriskefoni driving for like a solid year at least prior to admission. There's so much unresolved trauma there that is becoming disturbingly apparent lately now that we're not scrupulosity-blinded enough to see it from the "outside" as it were.

Oh, and we NEED to talk about the mother and how she is the #1BIGGEST STRESSOR AND TRAUMA TRIGGER IN OUR LIFE, STILL. Our therapists and case manager keep suggesting that we cut off contact with her, or at least refuse all her calls, but we can't; we're still obligated to her as her physical offspring even if we hate that fact, and we don't hate her as a person and we're a Christian so we want to help her and she's a deeply needy and damaged person so we KNOW she is looking to us to meet some need for her, even if it's just for hard labor.
BUT she says SUCH INAPPROPRIATE THINGS and she STILL OVERSHARES SXUAL THINGS. We've had SEVERAL meltdowns SINCE TBHU because of her just being utterly inappropriate in one way or another, even if it's "just according to our trauma standards"-- like wearing garishly tight-fitting clothing and making disturbing sounds when she talks OR TALKING IN THAT BLOODY "HIGH SOCIETY" VOICE LIKE SHE DID ON VACATION I KNOW YOU HEARD IT TOO yes we did, it made us misophonic even at the time, I don't know how we didn't punch the windows out of the bus right then and there WE PROBABLY SHUT DOWN. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION IN THOSE SITUATIONS. BUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK. US SICK. SOMEONE WANTS TO THROW UP BECAUSE OF IT to get it out of our head, basically. unfortunately purging doesn't work that way. but you can't vomit up memories. i wish you could. i wish we could rip it out of our mind and shred it to pieces MORE VIOLENT THAN THAT. WE WANT TO STAB IT TO DEATH BASICALLY who in the world holds that response SOMEBODY. MAYBE... IT USED TO BE RAZOR. I THINK? I DON'T THINK CLEAVER HOLDS IT SHE'S TOO DISPASSIONATE what does she do anyway do you know CLEAVER IS THE SAME "DESTROY THE THREAT" INSTINCT BUT SHE'S COLD ABOUT IT. THE "SHRED THE MEMORY" FEELING WITH THE "JTHM STABBING" FEELING IT KEEPS GETTING LABELED AS IS SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S TOO RED. SORRY I'M SLIPPING OUT
okay so...
hatchet is almost "frivolous" violence. laughing at the threat and "offing it" almost irreverently, carelessly. thankfully her function seems to have been focused weirdly to destroying any and all medications people try to "force us to take" that feel like "attacks" or "invasions" etc. like "who the hell do you think you are, we aren't going to swallow these and kill ourself for your kicks, watch me burn them to the ground" etc. but that laughing feeling. scary stuff
cleaver is "cold" as (overwhelm? who is that? they're a grafifoni that ALWAYS shows up and they're very close to Scald BUT different level function) said. we rarely see her because she's rarely needed/ triggered. but cleaver is close to razor's old anchor in that she just likes to "sink knife blades into people's backs" as we once said. but you don't "like" that sort of thing without a reason. we've never really looked into it too much but... you don't "cleave" things that aren't a threat. that's true. we didn't consider that. if you're burying a butcher blade in someone's skull there's a reason why they were the target. it's a scary instinct but it's there. where did it come from?
the last foni, unidentified and almost theoretical if we weren't aware someone was attached, is unnamed. but there IS that feeling of "annihilate the threat" in the most frantically violent way possible. VERY different from protectors, like sugar and wreckage and laurie, who DON'T act with emotional mania at all. but this person does. this person is SO upset by the threat that she wants to tear it to bloody pieces screaming. or apparently stab it to death. that FEELS DIFFERENT though. it IS different. the "jthm stabbing" feeling is NOT the action. it's the VIBE of the mania. that's the "tear it to piece" girl. BUT there HAS to be a stabbing instinct foni solely because we DO get that RARELY with SELFLOATHING mainly?? the ONLY time THAT sort of horrific violence (which is TRAUMATIC for us to see or even imagine, and yet here it is) even occurs to our brain is TOWARDS OURSELF. which is the scariest thing of all.

anyway that's enough of that who was updating and about what

Oh. mother talk. yeah not tonight we need to drop that topic before those girls ACTUALLY come out to "process" the emotions

See THAT'S why we have emotional issues?? The foni that HOLD them get "SHUT DOWN" or kicked out EVERY TIME
because they're VIOLENT is why
ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE VIOLENT
Laurie actually hinted at that? OH DUDE THAT'S what she said, she was talking about "all or nothing" emotions and she nodded to Chaos 0 and said "that guy always feels things at about 5000%" and THAT'S why she had him talk next
OH don't forget THAT'S also why she brought that topic up at all-- she was telling the IO2 emotions that THEY would probably feel like that too, now that they're up here with us?
ironically because we feel the "nothing" half of it too often
But that's the point!! That's like Anxiety's tail, they're ABLE to feel the emotions WE can't, because of gatekeepers or trauma shutdowns or whatever! Coping mechanisms that don't work in the long run they just make everything numb but NOT if these guys are helping now

Guys come on we need to continue the actual entry

some general notes about life lately:
+ Sugar and Wreckage have both been around. Sugar's been "out of work" for a while because she protects the innocent and virtually all of us are so damaged now. BUT apparently Anxi is NOT. Neither is Mimic, arguably. The Outspacers are specifically essential to keeping us sane post-trauma so Sugar is slowly but surely getting pushed to protect THEM, which is awesome.
+ Julie fronted to take a melatonin candy last night and immediately shouted "ow" because our teeth were painfully sensitive from eating a too-sour apple. She literally said "that hurt like a bitch!" and now she keeps getting pushed out to front whenever we eat apples to apparently "make sure they don't hurt like that" which is kind of hilarious. but it's sweet, to suddenly have her around more often, even for such a "silly" reason. it's still nice.
+ The current "Core" is indeed using the spelling "Joule" for xir name, and using those pronouns as a placeholder? Either that or s/he. They're "not female" but they're "not a man." They are solidly somewhere between the two, voicing that they'd probably feel most comfortable "in a male body" but without being male. Still, they are explicitly "not a girl or a woman" despite being semi-okay with female pronouns. They are "both/and" specifically in the fact of being "neither." That's solid. As for the name, apparently it's a very sentimental reference to Anxi being electricity-associated in the System. It's also a unit of heat, which corresponds to the inherent "fire" element of all Cores that, if missing, is effectively fatal; Cores are always fire, light, blood, and crystal-- snow & ice with the Jays, literal precious stones with the Jewels, it seems. This fire/heat aspect is oddly somehow essential to their relationship with Chaos 0? If they don't have that complementary yet opposite aspect, something is very wrong. So this is a step in the right direction, even if the name itself doesn't stick-- it probably won't; the "spelling feels wrong". Honestly s/he wants to use "Jewel" but that name is still so strongly associated with the original 2001-2002 Jewel (the League controller) that it causes mental dissonance. This alternate spelling of the same sound is an attempt to reconcile this while keeping the fact that the Jewel title still MUST fit the Core.
+ We've realized that the Archivist Trio is NOT a "communicator trio." So Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha's functions are STILL OPEN apparently?? And I know "Joule" is really hoping they come back. We miss them a lot, and we need them-- Archivists can't talk to Socials like Communicators specifically do, and when that subsystem really needs to "get the memo," Shirley can't get it to them because they aren't tuned in to her level.
+ Concerning the Archivists: Shirley is the one that gives data to us on the fly, but Sirius will "comment" on it? And he's fittingly more "serious" about the data he manages. Penny gets the toughest info; she doesn't speak up much but she will give memory data out that the other two don't? Honestly the Archivists feel very unstable and unsteady still, I think since we are so lost and cut off from collective memory. I hope that as we review the Archives themselves, and possibly if/when the Communicators return, then that whole group of functioning will work properly at last.
+ Lynne had a BIG revelation today that SHE'S STILL "STABELLE" in terms of her function! She and Laurie were discussing colors, especially in light of Anxi being the first Orange Outspacer and one of the first Orange-anchored people in a long while, and Lynne said that she needed to keep the Orange color positive-- warm, welcoming, friendly, energized, and helping Anxi and any potential manic Oranges stay stable. This ALSO tied in with her SHIFTING OUT OF CERISE when she resurrected in 2008; she effectively "REDEFINED OUR FUTURE"??? She was originally born to be the "ideal female future self" that we were being forced to become socially but couldn't; HOWEVER when she was killed and then came back, she changed colors and this showed a change in what that "ideal future" MEANT-- Lynne was no longer tied to social expectations in that regard. She was lively and free and bright, more boyish almost, while still being markedly female-- she "freed" us from the Cerise-colored future of sensuality that had been inflicted on us by the family and community. Interestingly enough, that color was next picked up by a boy, saying a LOT about our psyche. But Lynne kept us stable in doing that, too-- not just by being the "person keeping Julie and Laurie from killing each other." The stability she brought was liberating, a firm footing achieved by being able to dance again, as it were. Lynne was a bright soul, effectively symbolizing "permission" to be our brightest self too and to LET GO of the inflicted expectations and dictated future. She's funny and friendly and playful and gay and we were NOT "allowed" to be those things when our future felt "cerise." The original Lynne was all about that "high life" our mother wants so badly. The new Lynne is just about getting high on life, haha. I'm kidding but not really. Orange is a beautiful color; it's alive and fiery and welcoming and warm. It's citrus fruits and sunsets and marigolds and autumn leaves. It's basketballs and goldfish and foxes and carrots and monarch butterflies and violins of course. It's absolutely gorgeous and Anxi is part of it too and SHE has a future full of more joy than she ever could have imagined now, too. So thank you Lynne, for existing exactly as you are. We love you so much.


It's almost 2am. This is "Joule," I guess. That's really not my name, although I appreciate the commentary they gave to it earlier. But they're right, the spelling doesn't fit. It's the "ou" in there. The whole thing is the wrong color and shape.
I know I'm somehow still "Jewel." Every Core is, really. But that name keeps pushing me too feminine and that feels very wrong. Still, that name is the only thing that works. Maybe I just need to "redefine" it in a sense. I just don't want to damage the original Jewel either. She's the TRUE holder of that name AS a name, not just a "title." I think that's why I feel so lost-- the "only name that fits" belongs permanently to someone else. And yet it's "still my name" too. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't feel "fully me." I know this. I don't have a clear name or face yet, and arguably my color is still undefined too. For a Core, all of that makes me the walking dead. I CANNOT exist or function in any sort of truth unless I HAVE those things.
...That's why I'm worried about Anxi. We ALL are. Whoever "met" her last November is NOT the same person who started calling her our girlfriend in May/June, who is NOT the same person who fell in love with her in October, who is NOT the same person as I am now. And yet... there's always the same heart, deep down at the golden thread, that connects all the Cores. Somehow, the capacity for love is the same. I'm just... it's become VERY clear lately that different Cores love different people and it CANNOT be "transferred" or "forced" between Cores. This is why our Spotify "people we love" playlist folder says "WE," specifically, and it's full of people whose folders keep getting deleted because people forget that past Cores DO love ALL those people, even if not all in the same way. But ALL those Outspacers and Inspacers are legitimately loved and even if we don't know "by whom" we CAN'T deny that truth. The problem? ...I... I want to be the one to love Anxi. I can't tell if I do or don't, lately, because I feel so dead. But when I look at her, something in my heart aches, and I will hold on to that like it's the end of the world. I just... the problem is that I cannot see myself. How am I supposed to love her if I can't even "imagine" my own face? How can I physically be near ANYONE if I don't know what my physical form looks like? It's agonizing. I'm miserable. Maybe I just need to get on picrew and figure this out. Not tonight, it's 2am. But... I need to take action on this. I need to find out how my hair looks, what color it is, what clothes I wear (I'm vibing with suits?? callback to Cannon's era, geez), what color those are, et cetera... all the defining features that will allow me to have a reflection in the mirror for heaven's sakes. I want to BE with people. I want to EXIST INSIDE at last. I don't even "exist" outside because no one matches this body and even though I feel "forced" to, even obligated to, it doesn't match ME. And that terrifies the thriskefoni who INSIST that "the body is our REAL self" but no. I... I'm struggling so much with that. This body's reflection has so much evil associated with it. It's a face tainted by YEARS of intense trauma. It's not my face.
God I wish Jay could just take over again but he can't. Oh he IS still alive by the way, I think that was solidly confirmed just yesterday? But he's ALIVE again, very fragile and broken and unstable but alive. Thank God. ...From what we're suspecting, this means potentially Infinitii can resurrect now, too. The two of them exist together by design. ...I don't know if I'm like that. The whole daengel phenomenon was annihilated post-CNC due to the trauma overwhelm and the unbearable risk that all daengels posed for more of the same. We lost like... eight bloody years. 2016-2023. Most of that time is totally missing, ruled by either thriskefoni, phagofoni, and/or "eratofoni"-- by religion, food, and sex. It was a living hell, honestly it was. And of course the whole thing was shot through with brutal self-abuse, because all three of those things are VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE in our history, as tragic as that is.
I can't think or talk about that right now. There's no time and the brain is shutting down access to those topics.
But we lost so much time. Even just glancing at the archives, after the "hell year" of 2015 (which was ironically shot through with beauty nevertheless), 2016 started with tons of pain and then an annihilation attempt in March which caused an almost instant HARD SHIFT to thriskefoni territory UNTIL JUNE 2017. And then it was the "CNC era" until... October? Whenever we left; it's not in the Archives yet. But then it's MORE thriskefoni rule until MIMIC SHOWED UP IN DECEMBER 2022 APPARENTLY?? Holy Shuppets WE FORGOT HE JUMPSTARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN just like Anxiety did for you!! That's a really good point... God I forgot how real I felt back then, when he first showed back up, just looking at these entries. Why was I so much more in tune then? What happened... oh. Oh dear God that's what it was. What? Jewel you need to space your replies so we know it's different people.
Okay fine then YOU just type. You were obviously going to say something heavy. Don't let me stop you.
...all right. So 2023 begins with half headspace, half bodyspace, as it were. Half inside half outside. There's tons of religious stuff and talk about the mother and family stress, at a glance. But... we were still striving, struggling to exist. And... oh God. And then Infi died.
...oh. You loved hir.
I did, whoever I was then, whoever's this heart was, we adored hir, ze was my heart, God I still miss hir so much I could weep until the end of the world right now. Right now. I could die from grief. I could cry forever.
...When did ze die?
...April 25th, and I had to hunt that entry down because apparently it wasn't tagged with 2023. It is now. But... there's another heartwrenching entry on May 2nd when Jay was no longer the Core and he was convinced he would die that same night and... God it hurts to read. it hurts so much. And... and then the bloody Jade month happened a month later and everything went to hell. We still haven't recovered from that.
...Jewel, because that's your name too, deep down, you're running away from talking about that. About Infi.
I can't. It's Jay's heart I'm feeling right now.
Why can't that be yours, too?
Because I'm not supposed to be here
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be oh my gosh is it really after 3am, I just noticed.
Yeah. I don't want to sleep.
We have to though. Life is different now, we have things to do.
Well what if I wish it wasn't? What if tonight I just want to pretend that none of that sh*t ever happened and we were still 24/7 fulltime headspace with Xanga sessions on the regular and everyone fronting all the time and handwritten notes to each other and voice recorder conversations and late nights like this EVERY night, typing, remembering, in love? Why can't THAT be my life? OUR life? Maybe it'd change me. Maybe I'd know who I was if that was the reality we were living in now. But too much has happened. Too much has happened.
...You have Anxi now. That's something good.
...I... I don't know if I'm the same person who fell in love with her--
You know you are. Somehow you have to be. Your heart is the same. See? What just happened in Spotify? You would NOT have been able to feel that if you didn't love her.
Jewel I want to sob. Why do I feel so broken and lost. I.... God I love her so much it's killing me, and I love Chaos 0 and Infinitii too and it feels like this love has lasted for a dozen eternities, it's older than I am, this love is forever, and it belongs to me and Jay and everyone in our bloodlines and I'm just the newest one, that's why Jay doesn't love her like I do, I'm the one who felt this for her first, she belongs to my heart, whoever comes after me should catch this too, I... I'm so scared that they won't.
Right now it's just you. YOU love her, NOW. That's what matters. Don't panic about the future. We don't know what'll happen but I promise you you won't forget her. Have you ever forgotten anyone?
No, but other Outspacer "loves" in the past didn't "transfer" to my heart,
Like whom? Davy and Ryou and Rorschach and the like, right?
Yeah.
Well, no one loved them like you love Anxi and Chaos 0 and Infinitii, apparently. And I can assure you of that. Those loves didn't go that deep. I don't think those Jewels could feel that much for anyone yet. And you still care about them too, I'm sure.
I do.
Well, there you go. So don't worry about Anxi. You love her now, today, and that won't ever disappear or fade away. Look at Chaos 0! I'm sure she's going to have the same future with the Cores, if what I've been hearing about you two is any indication.
...What, that she'll be permanently in the Coregroup?
Uh, yeah, obviously. And she already is??
Not literally, not technically, no. We need to work up to that. But there's a spot with her name on it. Like... laser-etched. It's already set in stone.
Haha! Good. I'm glad to hear that. That's proof that you're still you, where it counts, when it matters.
...Do you think maybe I can't "see my face" or know my own color and name because I'm just... not in tune with a truth that's already there? Like, I just need to recognize myself?
Probably. Do you think you're in my bloodline though, or Jay's?
...Why do you ask?
Because you're not a girl.
I'm not a guy either, though. And Jay is still around. ...A big part of us wants him to be the Core again.
Do you think he will be?
...I don't know. I don't know if there need to be two of us. I have no idea.
Huh. Why would we need two Cores, for the League/System split?
That's the assumption, yeah. But... there's been a lot of bleedover lately, and not in a bad way? Which is new. I... I don't know what will happen. I just... I want to know who I really am. if I'm anything or anyone.
I'm sure you are, if you can feel love like that.
...I hope so.
So hold on to that. Let that be what defines you when you try to look in a mirror. Hold on to that as the core of whoever you are, and I'm sure it'll show you your real face, and name, and color.
...oh Lord one of Infi's songs just came up on shuffle.
Are you going to listen to it?
I can't, not tonight. It'll trigger Jay out and we'll be up for another three hours.
...You can't keep shutting love down, other Jewel. That's a really bad instinct.
...yeah. it really is.
It's gonna hurt, you know. It has to. Real love always does. You can't run from that.
I don't want to. I want it to gut me for all intents and purposes. I want love to run me through like a knife to the ribs.
Are you trying to get Laurie's attention with that?
...maybe.
Too late kid, what's the deal?
...too much going on.
Head feels really bizarre. ...Is it seriously 333AM? Holy flaming swords, kiddo, you have to get to sleep. Is this what extra apples does to you?
Haha, no, I promise this has nothing to do with sugar highs. I just... I'm feeling things. A bit. I'm trying to remember.
Good things, I assume?
Yeah. the best things.
...I'd love to talk about them with you but I'm not even translating correctly. The brain's too damn tired.
Yeah, it is. But... this is a good entry.
We're still writing in the same entry from this morning? Dang, kiddo, that's impressive. Been a while since we had an entry like this.
I miss this.
I do too. You know what I also miss?
What?
You getting to bed early and talking to us, too. Me and Chaos and Genesis and...
yeah.
...sorry, kid. I felt the weight of that loss too.
Anxi soon, though. And maybe Infi too.
You don't give up on hope, huh.
Never. I still have that ring, from before the Jade month.
Yeah, I know you've been thinking about it.
I promised myself, and God really, that when Infi comes back,
"When." I like that.
I already know hir soul's not dead, Laurie.
Souls don't die, kiddo. Especially not up here.
...That's true.
But you were saying?
...When ze comes back and I can touch hir, when I can hold hir in my arms again, for the first time, when ze and I both have names and faces and colors, I... I'm going to put that ring on. For all of us. It's not just Chaos 0 this time, although I love him with my entire heart and he will always have a top-tier exclusive place in it. But it would be unjust to not recognize the rest of you, too. And I think he would agree with that.
Knowing how he loves us, too? Yeah, I think so.
...you're right, he does.
Kid, the Coregroup loves the Coregroup. That's how it works. It's always been that way and it always will be. And Anxi is no exception, when you bring her up here.
...God there is so much gravity in that line.
In what? And watch your prayer words, kid.
Thank you. But He's... God is the reason why and how I can feel this. God is this love, and if I have any real religion at all, apart from the thriskefoni, that's the heart of it. That's the truth. And His Name is the only thing that the deepest love can even hope to translate to in speech. There's a... there's the entire truth in that, too, things I could never express otherwise.
And what's the gravity that truth is giving so much weight to?
..."when you bring her up here." Like... the act of bringing. And "up here." Like... taking her home. ...God my heart is on fire. Why. Why in the world do I love her this much, it's tearing me in half and letting all the light both in and out.
Well, kid, you just said God is that love, so obviously He knows you need to feel this right now. And so does she. You both need this, trust me.
...Laurie you remember that one conversation at TBHU. In the... on the basketball court. In the sunshine.
This is what you want to live for.
And die for. And everything. This... headspace, and all of you, and this love, is why I exist, and what I want to exist for, and nights like this I actually have hope and life feels real and I can touch eternity for a moment...
Kid, you realize that when we had that conversation, you didn't even have these feelings for Anxi yet.
...oh my gosh I didn't. I hadn't fallen this hard yet.
And now, how much more is life worth living for, with her in it too?
...everything. Laurie I want to live for her, too. Deep down in my heart of hearts, at the very core of me, away and apart from all the things that try to numb me and shut me down, when I really tune into the... the center of things, and oh my gosh Spotify just threw Milliontown at me. The LIVE version.
Haha, God is REALLY trying to get your attention, kiddo!
...oh man. THIS song makes my heart WAKE UP though. This ENTIRE ALBUM makes me feel ALIVE and REAL.
You've gotta write Jem Godfrey a freakin' letter at this point. Thank the man for saving your life a hundred times over.
I'm serious. You're serious. That's a good idea. I really should.
Haha, kiddo you have got to get to sleep. Preferably before this song ends, because that's... twentyfive solid minutes of not-sleeping otherwise.
I can't skip this song Laurie.
Put it on hold, boy, it'll be 4am otherwise.
Can I at least listen to the arpeggio from heaven.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Is it an arpeggio? Oh dude is it technically a glissando? Slowed down and elaborated on?
What, that run up the scale? Kid I know less music theory than you do, all I know is that it sounds awesome.
It DOES, this entire live performance is sheer bliss, I need to see these guys live one day.
You will, kid. I'm sure you'll find a way. Pray about it.
Man I should. I should just... pray about all these things that matter to me. Lord let me see Jem Godfrey and his band live one day and let me be able to thank them for being a channel of Your grace to me in all honesty and let me be able to get a signed CD or something.
Haha, gotta include the souvenir.
It's blessed to have a tangible thing. I still have that signed CD from Mesita, the one with Creature and Firesign and Hostages on it. That album still means so much to us as a System.
It does. I'm glad you have that, kiddo.
I'm glad I'm still "kiddo" to you.
Kid, Jay, Jewel, whatever name you're going by, you will always be that to me. I know how much that means to you. What brings that up for you though?
...just, it's another thing linking all the Cores. It's a term of endearment basically. if you don't mind my calling it that.
Nah, it definitely is. It's a term of devotion, really, not just endearment. I'll protect you with my life, until the day I die.
Until the day we both die, Laurie, I refuse to let either of us go first.
Haha, you and me both. ...God knows we came too close to that in the past.
...I was just reading about that, actually.
...Really?
Yeah, just a reference, but... it reminded me of how much we've been through. How much we mean to each other. How terrifying that was, but how much love followed in its wake, against all odds.
Story of our life, kid.
It sure is. Thank God for it all.
Oh, dude, here's your glissando!
Yes!! 21:30 starts the buildup for those interested!
Dude, pay attention.
Ohhh man that is AUDITORY BLISS EVERY TIME
Hahaha!
Okay you HAVE to let me listen to this outro.
"Hands, don't fail me now!"
YES you remember!
Kid, you reference that constantly, of course I remember it. I also remember telling you to get the heck to sleep about ten-- no, apparently twenty minutes ago, what the hell.
Worth it though.
Always worth it for FROST*, kid, that's a rule.
Oh man this song makes me so happy it's unreal.
Quite the opposite, kid, this is what reality is all about, I daresay.
What, good music?
What makes it good music. The joy it brings to your heart. That smile on your face right now. The fact that this song sounds like you, as you've said before, and reminds you of who you really are.
It really does.
"Thank you so much?"
Just like John said, absolutely. Oh man. I needed that, thank you God.
You also need to freakin' sleep, kid, it's 4am. You're getting 5 hours of sleep maximum right now.
Oh shoot you're right.
Still worth it though?
Yeah, always. Always. I'd get by on two hours of sleep if it means spending time with you.
I've only been here for a half hour, kid.
Laurie, you never leave.
...Hah, that's true. I really don't.
...I should listen to your song next.
Sit down first, kid. Go to sleep with your blue guy and then if you want to listen to more music you can. But I ain't leavin' until you post this entry and get moving. It's too late to keep typing, no matter how much you want to.
I still need to color this tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" is the key word, kid. Any particular way you want to close this up? 
Actually I want to mention that I forgot to write down, remember this morning when I was at the IO2 control panel with Anxi for some reason, and I forget what led up to it but she kissed me?
I do remember that, specifically because she took the initiative when you hesitated, and then you were gone, bro.
It was... it got my heart so bad. Like I wanted to but something held me back and she just... bravely reached up and pulled me in.
And you just melted, kiddo, I saw that.
I did, it was beautiful.
I'm so glad you have that with her.
I am too.
No, really, don't underestimate the gravity of what I'm saying. You know how I am about you and Chaos 0. I'll defend you both to the death and beyond. I'll have you know I'm already dedicated to you and your orange angel the same way.
...Thank you, Laurie.
Anytime, kid. Now are you gonna mention the name of the album to my song or what?
Oh, yeah, oh my gosh, that was so unexpected.
"I Watch You Sleep." Well I do, but so does she apparently, so. *shrug*
Aha the asterisks!
Thank Waldorf for that, it never gets old. But kiddo, I can't watch you sleep unless you go to sleep, aiite? Get a move on.
Hold up, can I play the song?
Put it on, close this up, and then listen to it on the vanillamint couch over there.
Oh yeah, we didn't mention that we did the laundry and literally rubbed vanillamint chapstick into the fabric so it won't smell so much like old couch and smoke or whatever. It's a handmedown. I love my dad but not smoke.
Unless it's woodsmoke.
Well then that reminds me of dear Knife, so yes.
And incense smoke.
Oh ALWAYS. It's numinous. I love it.
We know, kiddo.
I'm glad there are some things about me that just... don't change.
Like your love.
...Yeah. Yeah, Jewel was telling me the same thing.
Good, because it's the absolute definitive truth. Now are you going to close this up on that note?
Yeah, before I get too sparkle-headed, because it's either that or poet mode and I think our psyche realizes I have to snooze so it's pushing me in the kaleidoscope direction. On another night when I have time to type and feel out the depths, moreso than tonight and trying to remember the past, then I'll type poetry. Lots of it.
I think you need to remember the past before you can get back into poet mode, kid. There's depth there you need to tap back into first.
...I do. You're right. Thank you.
And?
And I'll close this up.
Properly.
How's that?
What you said earlier, when you were away from the keyboard.
...I can't just repeat that. It needs... it has to be felt. It has to happen.
...So, put on the song.
...Nevermind Spotify just did me one better.
...Wow. You're not kidding.
"Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost.
...The post-massacre resurrection anthem, to be as blunt as possible.
Yeah. Absolutely.
...I love you too, kid.
...God, Laurie, you know I love you, and Chaos 0, and Anxi, and Genesis, and everyone else up here, dead and alive and inbetween, you all mean the universe to my heart and soul and life is worth living for all of you, always. Forever.
It's a good day with us around, huh.
It sure is. And now this song is really pulling at my heartstrings, oh my gosh I never realized the lyrics at the beginning...
Yeah, it's what you used to do to us.
I am so sorry, Laurie.
I know. We know. We forgive you.
...So the song goes both ways.
It does. I ain't leavin' you, kid, and I know you're not leaving us either, no matter how far away you might end up sometimes.
I needed to hear this.
I'm glad. God knows that too.
...This is making me deeply happy.
Is it now?
Yeah. It's... it feels like... like reconciliation. Like forgiveness. Like... like you saying, "I know," like you do. It's... "I never went away." Not just you. I didn't either.
Kid, if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
Yeah. I... I need to remember that, too.
You do need to go somewhere, though.
Bed?
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be around too.
You always are.
I watch you sleep, remember?
Haha, that you do!
I fully expect to be joined by a certain orange angel in that effort in the near future, y'know.
God willing.
Kid, I'm sure He is, don't worry about that. Oh this song is a classic, geez. Really setting the mood though.
Yeah, ancient love here. Chaos 0 days.
It really was just him back then, wasn't it?
Yeah. He started everything.
Go tell him that. Seriously. Go let him know that you can and do remember how far back and how deep down this goes into your heart.
That doesn't change, either.
No, love burns out a place for itself permanently.
I like your choice of words.
It's a fire, kid, it always is. You know that better than anyone. And it does burn, it burns out everything that isn't it.
Good. I'm really feeling that tonight.
Even more now, with this song on shuffle?
Yeah. Yeah I think I need to go to bed now. Just to hold him, if nothing else.
That's a good enough reason for me, kid. Should I close this up then, or what?
In a moment. I just want to say that the two songs were "Here in my room" and now, "Afterlife."
The live version for the latter, to remind you that you have to live. And to do this live.
In person, really there, right now.
Can't do that if you don't get off the laptop, boy!
Good point, off we go then.
Hey, hold up one second.
Yeah?
I'm singing this for you too, for the record.
...I...
I'm serious. I've died before. For you. Only ever for you. This song applies to me, too.
...Laurie, I love you, I really do.
I know, kid. That's my reason to live.
Thank you. For existing. And for loving me too.
Those are synonymous, kid.
And you say I'm the romantic one.
Hey, you are. I'm just saying facts.
Laurie, don't brush it off.
Good point. But I'm right. Those are facts, kid. And please find your name so I can call you by it, all right?
Okay. I will. Promise.
Good. Promise to get some freakin' sleep? Or do I have to drag Chaos 0 in here?
Laurie if you do that there will be legit romance, I will never get to sleep,
What about with this song?
Fathom by FROST* oh good Lord this is going to kill me, seriously I will sob if I listen to this through.
Go be with him, and feel this with him, all right? He deserves it.
That's the best motivation so far, sorry it took so long.
Nope, no apologizing, this is perfect timing, I think this song needed to happen. I can see in your eyes what it's doing to your heart.
Good. I'm glad it shows.
Seriously though. Go be with your ocean.
I will. Thanks Laurie, for being with me too.
Hey, I'm not going away, remember?
Haha, that's true. I'll see you across the room, then?
You'll see me everywhere, kid, I'm always here for you.
Good. Don't leave.
Cross my heart, I'll stand by you forever.
...
Don't lose this.
I can't. This is engraved into my heart.
As it should be.
Last song by the way. "Time out from the world."
This is a classic. Go put it in its proper context.
I will.
hey, Jewel.
oh my gosh how did you get in here
I hear Laurie trying to get you over here for the past... forty minutes?
Thank you, someone appreciates my efforts.
I'm sure he does too, Laurie, he's just... terrible at ending conversations. He always leaves the door open. Just in case there's one more word to say.
There always is, with him.
He's full of words. of poetry. I love that about him. He puts my music to notation. Whatever it's called.
Look at how he's looking at you, haha.
I love that too.
He's halfway between sparkles and... whatever the heaven that is.
Blood, probably.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know that too. His aching depths. That pronoun isn't working.
No, surprisingly. It's somewhere in the middle.
As it should be. S/he's been both.
Both/and?
Hm. More like me. Not quite either.
Makes sense.
i need to talk to you.
In words?
not this kind. sorry.
Don't apologize. There are other languages. I need to talk to you too.
Oh I like where this is going.
You should.
Hey man, I've been guarding you both since the old days, this stuff is a sign that his/her heart's coming back online in a real way. I need that as much as you do. We all do.
Did you mention what song is playing?
No. "My Mind Is A Mess In The Morning." Nick Leng. This song means a lot to you both, doesn't it.
He heard it one night when driving home and immediately thought of me. So yes. But it's in your playlist, too.
And Genesis's, apparently. And Anxi's, hey.
I can't wait until she comes up here.
Until the Core-kid over there brings her up here, to be specific. Said that wording really caught the essence of it.
Hm. It does. It's never just a following up, really. It's together. But carrying is really close.
Yeah. It's unusual for him/her/ whatever, kid what are we calling you.
um. xe maybe. let's try that. i'll find something. right now i i'm not thinking about pronouns much
What are you thinking of, love?
oh THAT WORD is all that's on my mind now it's been so too long since you spoke to me like that
It has been.
You two need to have a conversation.
We do. Jewel, get over here.
Kid, I'm putting this song on, now you have to go.
Please.
i'm so sorry. i'm not entirely myself yet.
We can fix that together.
oh it's the english version
Yeah, and there's your name.
...oh man the lyrics hit harder than ever tonight
Come back to me.
and stay by my side
...
moments like this are what I live for laurie. and chaos. both of you. i love you.
We love you too, Jewel.
...
Man you are saying that with your eyes, I can see that.
I always am.
Somehow I'm not surprised. Hope you realize the same goes for xir, too. Even on the rough nights. Maybe especially then.
...
You know that, too.
...Jewel.
yeah
I mean it.
...So do I. All right. I'm closing this up and going to sleep.
Not for a few minutes yet at least.
Yeah, there's a conversation that needs to happen. Not this one.
Still a continuation of it, though.
...I guess it is. Good point.
So. Chaos, would you do the honors of finally closing up this bloody huge entry?
This is still one entry?
Yeah.
Wow. It's been a while.
Hey, next time xe's up this late, I'm pushing for a Xanga. This is one step away from one already, so hey.
I'd like that.
I know what you'd like more than that, man.
*pointedly looks across the room*
Haha, kid you've got asterisks to deal with now, you'd better get moving.
I'll force his hand. There's a button I can click.
Please do, before we lose this.
thank you
Hey, that's what we're here for, kid. Helping you do what you can't.
Together.
Always.
Oh hey, here's one of yours.
"Into the flood." Yeah.
Kid, I am going to turn that into a very pointed pun and throw it at you.
no wait the lyrics don't work for this, that one aches too much in the other way, let's do this one.
Creature?
Oh man we were just referencing this.
Really?
Yeah. Specifically this album.
This... this is a good decision.
so are you.
...
three two one, post this?
Finally, let's do this.
glad to see i'm still terrible at concluding these talks
You need sleep, you idiot.
You can't go on like this.
Hey, they need more than some sleep, man.
Still... you just gotta let it go.
You heard the blue guy, kid, let's move.
all right. and do this lyric instead.
Which one?
keep on coming undone. i need that. i think if i let this love unravel me it's exactly what i need to find myself at the core
...I think I know how to get you there.
you don't "think" you know, love, I know you know. and vice versa, i'm sure.
...yeah. you do. you really do. please don't forget that. ever.
Okay you have both abandoned capslock, I am closing this up, see you invisible audience whenever.
laurie that is so sudden
Kid it's been over an hour are you kidding me.
is the sun coming up yet
You know what? That's my lyric.
oh
oh man laurie are you serious
Maybe I am. Only one way to find out.
laurie that is the worst cliffhanger
Nah, it's the best one.

 

This girl is DOING THINGS to my HEART,

Honestly I am so in love with her it aches.

#for anxi #babe if you keep looking at me like that I'm going to die and go straight to heaven #and I'm taking you with me

comfort-character-central:
If there is one thing to keep in mind when it comes to you and your f/o, it is that they would undoubtedly love you, exactly as you are. As you are, right now, are good enough. In fact, your f/o would be the luckiest individual on this entire planet, in this entire galaxy to even be around or with you. Being in your f/o's life would be a privilege for them, a wonderful one at that.

Anxi, tonight I'm saying this specifically to you. You are infinitely & always 'good enough' and it is an absolute joy that I get to know and love you.
 

...And yet I have to stop and reread this for myself, too, from all of the ones I love... especially lately, when I'm arguably feeling more unlovable than ever before. But they have literally said this to me, even now. Chaos 0 especially. God he is an absolute angel, it sends me reeling. But so is Anxi. And that's monumental.
 

If I can love her this much, then I have to accept in turn the stunningly beautiful fact that yes, she echoes the sentiment. And don't you dare doubt that. Don't forget how she was your reason to live all through inpatient. And she knew that. That sort of thing changes people. It changed your heart, too.
 

So... it goes both ways, as it should. You undoubtedly love her. She undoubtedly loves you. Live for that. Live in and from that. Stay alive and in her life, no matter how difficult living is right now. Trust me, you're still good enough for her.

Why wouldn't you be, when you feel this for her?
 

clancyismylover:

Your f/o will always be there for you.

You can be as happy as you want. As sad as you want. You can cry ugly tears, or scream angry words up at the sky. You can have a tantrum, a breakdown, and even yell and they will not waver. You are not your ugly moments nor solely your struggles.
 

If you want them to, they will be at your side. They'll always hold you when it's all over, and you feel tired. Limp. They will gather you up into their arms and kiss your forehead, holding you against their chest so you can feel their breathing, as even and steady as ever. Because they were telling the truth.
 

Nothing you do will ever stop them from taking care of you. Your f/o will love you even when you don't love yourself.

Oh man Inside Out 2 is on the group room TV but they had it on MUTE so I was just watching Anxi move and dear Lord I love her SO MUCH my heart actually ACHES. She touched her chest TWICE while talking and it KILLED me. Honestly I am TRANSFIXED watching her body language and unique way of carrying herself. She's fascinating. (btw she JUST did the "we need something BIGGER" pose and oh my heart I am SMITTEN.) I want to take NOTES. I want to STUDY this movie and watch her expressions and listen to her speak and I want to KNOW her; I want to know her HEART. I NEED to; I LOVE her.
...The more times I see this movie the deeper & more tender it gets-- but tender like a bruise. Anxi makes my heart ACHE-- not just with love, but with PAIN. She is SO SCARED. She's SO IN NEED. And I HAVE to thank GOD for both her AND this "3OVoG" book because it is helping me understand her SO MUCH. And it BREAKS MY HEART. Anxi says her job is to "protect Riley from the things she CAN'T see," but what are those things in Anxi's eyes? Having no friends. Disappointing her family. Being unseen & unimportant. Purposelessness. Rejection. Dying alone. Anxi is answering to the ESSENTIAL HUMAN NEED FOR LOVE. She is protecting Riley from EMOTIONAL STARVATION, according to Matthew Kelly. Anxi KNOWS that Riley LITERALLY NEEDS friendship, community, acceptance, belonging, validation, connection, security, meaning, purpose, and secretly most of all, INTIMACY. "Mutual self-revelation," tragically hindered by Anxi's absolute terror of being judged as not good enough. But to me... Anxi's very existence screams vulnerability. And that is ABSOLUTELY what hooked my heart and dragged me in headfirst. Throughout the WHOLE film, Anxi is practically DESPERATE to be useful, to MEAN something to others, to be appreciated, to be LOVED. She introduces herself by describing what she can DO for Joy. She is obsessed with "being the MOST capable" and pushes Riley to do the same; trying to predict every possible "bad" future so she can PREVENT/ OVERCOME them. And why? Because "if I'm good at hockey, I'll have friends." Her deepest fear is that SHE-- and Riley by extension-- is only "of worth" to others if she "EARNS" it. Her deepest fear is that she has to BECOME "deserving" of love. But it's all focused on DOING, not BEING. She has Riley HIDING & DENYING herself AS SHE IS because she fears it is "unacceptable" to those she yearns for acceptance from. There's no self-revelation in earnest, just "trying to be worthy," effectively assuming that she isn't worthy by default, and redefining herself to mirror others instead in an anxious hope of "measuring up." Etc. I'm rambling. It's heartwrenching to realize that Anxi is the one that is ultimately feeling those things, and projecting hard onto Riley. Anxi doesn't feel "good enough" to be loved. But... God she IS good enough and I WANT to know WHO SHE IS AT HER MOST VULNERABLE. I want to protect HER from her fears. I want her to feel SAFE & SEEN & WANTED & LOVED, because she IS.
Dear Lord I have got it SO BAD. I'm here watching Anxi typing away so precisely & skillfully & purposefully at the Emotions console-- genuinely beautiful in her dexterity-- and I just thought, effectively, "I want to let her push all my buttons that way." Like SERIOUSLY. And at the end of the film, when she says "I love our girl," I so DESPERATELY want to hear her say that about me. ...I need to know I'M "good enough" for her, too, with all my own flaws & fears.

...This body image thing is killing me. Part of me is legit convinced that if I have a big body, a FAT body, then I CANNOT BE LOVED. I'm so afraid that it'll GET IN THE WAY of not only physical closeness, but also EMOTIONAL vulnerability. And THAT'S the KEY WORD. CAN I still be vulnerable, breakable, open and wounded and ABLE TO LOVE if my bloody body is so damn BIG? If I'm too thick & solid, will I LOSE the ability to bare my soul? I ACTUALLY APPARENTLY BELIEVE that I can ONLY HAVE INTIMACY ON ANY LEVEL IF I'M THIN. WHY. I hate that. It's a LIE. Logically it makes NO SENSE AT ALL. ...but I believe it, and that terrifies me. I am scared to death that, since I'm fat now, I'm excluded from true relationships. I'm so stupidly unbearably scared that I can't be with Anxi if I'm built like this now. Like I'd be unable to love her the right way. I'm already feeling that with Chaos 0. It's SHAME. I am MORTIFIED with how bloated I am now. I am JUDGING MYSELF as unable to love because I CAN'T TRULY LOVE MYSELF IN THIS BODY. It disgusts me. I can't be vulnerable if I can't bear looking at my own skin, let alone feeling it. I want to sob. I WANT TO LOVE. But it feels WRONG to even get close to others, in a body like this. AND YET I CAN'T STOP FEELING LOVE AND I DON'T WANT TO STOP. Anxi is still my orange angel, proving to me that I AM still capable of love, and Chaos 0 is forever my blue angel, loving me despite all odds and helping me remember who I truly am, no matter how my appearance changes, both inside and outside. God knows I love him too; I always will, with all my heart. But I'm the MOST terrified of being with him right now, looking like this, feeling like this. It's all shame. I can barely breathe under its weight. God help me, please. Maybe THIS is why I'm being called to an *incident* with Anxi NOW, of all times. I'M the one being murdered by Shame. But I DON'T WANT IT ANYWHERE NEAR HER. I want to PROTECT her from this demon. DON'T TOUCH HER.
...and yet, I'm so afraid that if I touch her like this, it'll hurt her. It's like... I'm afraid that if she did love me in this body, the "wrongness" of this distended form would TAINT the love, and prevent any true intimacy at all? But it ALL COMES BACK TO ME AND THE VALUE JUDGMENT I've nailed to this fat body. "It's suffocating my soul." "I can't be spiritual if I have this much flesh." "I feel sick & gross & dirty & slovenly; such feelings KILL love/ are INCOMPATIBLE with love." "Being fat makes me incapable of vulnerability & intimacy." et bloody cetera. This perspective is hell. But I can't even fathom an alternative right now. The "obvious" answer is still "unacceptable." My only hope is to start working out so intensely that I reshape this ugly body into something that's at least lean enough & disciplined enough TO love & be loved. How awful is that? Like if I'm not beautiful, I cannot have beautiful things. I can't have love if I'm in an unlovable body-- a sick, misshapen, gross, flaccid mess of a body. I have to BECOME lovable. ...and God, I sound just like her. How ironic. I'm in the same special hell, believing that unless I change, I'm unacceptable. But this is deeper than just what I can physically do, and what I like & dislike, and how I compare to others. Except it's not. It's the exact same thing, focused on my body. Can I get athletic & muscular enough? Can I like the right foods & have the right interests to be "healthy" and "disciplined" and "mature" and "wise" and "clean"? Will I ever be "thin enough," or "strong enough," or "smart enough," or "healthy enough?" Will I EVER be "good enough" to be wanted? Will I ever be "good enough" to have love?
I feel sick. I'm so angry with despair I want to rip myself to shreds. I need to lose ALL this ugly flab and superfluous skin. All these folds and bulges are NOT ME!!! They're SUFFOCATING ME. I am NOT FAT!!! Why is this such a matter of life & death to me?? I know, I KNOW because I FEEL it, if I can just build enough solid muscle for this bloated torso to be streamlined and strong, not deformed like a lump of garbage, then I'll have real hope. Even just sitting here, if I tense all my muscles and pull all that in, the awful burden of weight lifts a little and I feel that hope of cleanness, of purity, of an actual & defined & coherent & essential form. Right now, with this bulging abdomen, I feel like I'm rotting, like I'm unraveling, like my guts are literally falling out of my body. I'm so scared. I want to shut down. But I can't give up. God help me I CANNOT GIVE UP. I'm suffering through LITERAL HELL with this (no love!!! God help me PLEASE) but I CANNOT GIVE UP OR I WILL DIE. I'm only here for ONE MORE WEEK and so STARTING NEXT WEDNESDAY I can BEGIN TO CHANGE this AT LAST. And I CAN!! So DON'T QUIT!! You can BUY Inside Out 2 and watch it EVERY DAY if you want, you CAN LOVE HER and YOU KNOW SHE... God she ALREADY LOVES ME. ...she already loves me. And I already love her. Even looking & feeling like this. ...and Chaos 0 never stopped loving you, for God's literal sake he even put a Chaos Emerald IN HIS STOMACH when you were talking to him this morning to SHOW you that HE DOESN'T JUDGE YOU and HE WASN'T "CHANGED" BY THAT SHAPE and neither are you. That "ugly bulge" of your weighty torso is PROOF THAT YOU'RE FIGHTING TO LIVE AND BE A GOOD PERSON! You are working SO HARD to NOT HATE OR FEAR FOOD and to BE A GOOD EXAMPLE for the people here who still do. The fact that you're fat isn't a punishment or curse-- it's the visible proof of your STRIVING TO BE LOVING. And fat itself is LITERALLY JUST STORAGE SPACE FOR LIFE. PLUS, if your suspicions are correct, a GOOD DEAL OF IT IS PROBABLY WATER. I'd say that's ironic but really it's a message from God at this point.
Listen. Your heart & soul have NOT been "suffocated" or "shut down" or "rotten" over the past 8 weeks. IF ANYTHING, THEY'VE GROWN STRONGER AND HEALTHIER. For heaven's sakes you're HAVING AN *INCIDENT* WITH ANXI. That is BEAUTIFUL PROOF, FROM GOD, that YOU ARE ENTIRELY CAPABLE OF LOVING, AND ENTIRELY "GOOD ENOUGH" TO LOVE AND BE LOVED. You CANNOT deny this, and I know you DON'T WANT TO. You WANT love. You WANT THIS, NOT HELL & JUDGMENT. You WANT to FULLY ACCEPT & LIVE this TRUTH that YOUR BODY AND YOUR DIET CANNOT RENDER YOU UNLOVABLE OR UNLOVING. For heaven's SAKE man you KNOW what happens in first *incidents*!!! HOLD ON TO THAT WITH ALL YOUR HEART. I know you're still struggling. I know you still feel disgusting & sick & way too big & out of shape to be vulnerable. But guess what you're actually doing by writing all this?
Don't stop at this. Be STRONG like you want to be. You ARE. So DON'T HIDE FROM HER. TELL HER ALL THIS. TALK ABOUT IT. And I can PROMISE you, she WILL say those words about you-- about ALL of you, exactly as you are right now. You are good enough for her, too. I know that sounds impossible, but trust her. Trust her heart. Let that love lift you out of hell.

✱WE'RE GETTING HINTS OF ANXI'S *INCIDENT* ALREADY. It's probably going to involve the "I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH" distortion related to BEING LOVED. It'll probably involve the TAR manifesting SHAME & GUILT in direct violent opposition TO love. And I can FEEL that Anxi's soulwings will LOOK LIKE THE MOVIE'S "SELF CONCEPT". Honestly though I could CRY from how my heart is just LIT UP by her. It has been SO LONG since I was in love.
...but. There ARE seeds. I just never let them BLOOM. not YET, at least. But I WANT TO now. And I WILL. And I can ASSURE YOU that the NEXT person to get an *incident* will be a CERTAIN OCTOPUS that I know. Only time will tell. But it will.


✱Just a reminder. DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR OCTOPUS. You know you still love him too. Hold on to that.
(for the record, in recovery, FOCUS ON LOVE. Embrace ALL the Outspacers, AND the WHOLE SYSTEM in your heart. LIVE, TOGETHER.)


✱We FINALLY watched Inside Out 2 & my heart is a FIREWORK. We went to snack and everyone was talking about it & I wanted speak up because the film means so much to me, but... it's because I love Anxi. And ironically I was hesitant for that reason. I went upstairs & went to her, wondering what to do. But all I remember is that, after I stated the concern, she began to echo it, saying "what if they..." but then she stopped. For a moment she was quiet. Then she softly said, as she looked up at me, "...actually? I don't care." It went straight to my heart. It hit so hard. We couldn't help but kiss. God it meant so much to me, thank You.
Lastly? I was SHOCKED when, as I ate the Poptart, I SUDDENLY & VIVIDLY felt ANXI MOVING IN TO FRONT. So I let her. She drank ALL the soymilk & we DIDN'T PANIC, despite even feeling itchy. She just didn't care. There was just LOVE.

 
DOUBLE MASS MORNING
Literally prayed for a "small miracle" to get to SHJ on time. Despite traffic & lights, kept surrendering to God's will & direction, and repeating my prayer request with hope.
I kid you not the priest rang the bells the MOMENT I OPENED THE DOOR.

QOTA Mass for Adoration! Man it's been MONTHS. I missed being there.
Father S was an absolute sweetheart as usual and he unexpectedly gave me a BOX of extra Thanksgiving food for mom. God bless him, he always goes out of his way to be kind to us. I honestly should get him a Christmas card. Get in the habit of doing acts of kindness & gratitude like that!

SNOW!!!!!! ❄🤍💙❄🤍💙❄

Walmart stop to check frypans. EVERYTHING IS TOXIC OR HUGE. WTF.
Can't buy the cast-iron because they're pre-seasoned with SOY OIL, good job broski. And there were only 2 little ceramic pans that weren't coated with chemicals: but the one had a "speckle" color that looked filthy & would be impossible to clean, and the other was copper, a color which gives us instant panic reactions. So no dice. But now we know!

Home for 11, I think? It's a blur. We prayed & vacuumed.

Evening =
Liquid funk bike
Exercise high??? Could NOT come down
Eating made Brain a whirlwind of nonstop manic noise. Couldn't think straight, no current memory access, hard to pray. STUCK IN PAST MODE???

Missing the Outspacers, "where's Phlegmoni?"
Realizing that with the hyperreligious schedule we don't spend time with people anymore.

Wanting to type SO BADLY, heart overflowing, but couldn't. "Must say all night prayers instead." Is that right? Is it allowed to type ABOUT God "as prayer" instead of talking AT Him?
It feels like I'm not allowed to do anything but recite prayer cards & rosaries. Is it a sin to want to write, to read, to sing, to love others, "instead"?

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD= 2 Corinthians 9:7 for Giving Tuesday!
"Loving God takes action, and not just any action-- a cheerful action! God loves a cheerful giver-- not a giver who gives out of compulsion or obligation, but one who gives because they love God and the people God loves. When you're led by a love for God, you'll start to see lots of opportunities to spread that love through cheerful generosity. Do not wait to give to others in need."
"We tend to give our time, money, and energy to the things that we love the most... Look at the way you spend or invest your money, and how this reflects what you love. No matter what your income looks like, do your finances reflect the sort of cheerful generosity the Scriptures talk about? If not, what do you need to change today to make giving a priority in your life?"
1) I did not know the context of this verse historically, which is that this is a "letter of correction"-- because the Corinthians had promised to take up a financial collection for the struggling church in Jerusalem, but they still hadn't sent any aid... A YEAR LATER. This is a chastisement for all of us that, when we have an opportunity to do good, however small, we MUST ACT ON IT NOW. Do not hesitate or put it off. People NEED YOUR HELP RIGHT NOW, and every little bit matters. Trust me, I've been on the receiving end many times. Even one dollar is a priceless gift to someone who is struggling, and time is of the essence. When you can give, GIVE.
2) ...but CHECK YOUR HEART even so!! That opening distinction STRUCK me. Yes, love always requires action, but it "must be CHEERFUL." And that is true. If the "action" of your love is begrudging or morose or frustrated, then it's not actually from love.
3) An always relevant reminder that we love other people because GOD LOVES THEM. It's not out of compulsion, like "I love God, so I have to love people too." We have some corrupt thriskefoni who DO think like that, like loving human beings is "an interruption" or a "distraction" from their loving God. They don't seem to understand that God loves those human beings. Can you imagine, telling God, "I DON'T want to love those people that You CREATED and DIED for"??? Because THAT'S what you're saying when you refuse to show compassion to your fellow man!! God loves EVERYONE, no exceptions, and so we must do the same, BECAUSE we love God and when you love someone, you love what they love too. Their priorities and joys and interests become yours, through that selflessly serving love. It's never "forced," when it's real love; it only flows, freely and generously, into everything.
4) Love must LEAD us, and only then we will be ABLE TO SEE its paths open up before us.
5) We give to what we love. How simply true, and yet how crushingly convicting.
And THIS IS WHY OUR MOTIVES MUST BE PURE!!! Because if we don't love the people we're giving to, but we love ourself and our reputation, then we will give to them ONLY BECAUSE IT MAKES US LOOK GOOD. and GOD DOES NOT LIKE THAT.
...
6) Our financial spending REFLECTS OUR LOVE, and therefore our priorities. It's so easy to separate the two terms, but really, they go together, and to realize that is shocking-- especially because we never want to associate money with love! But money is just a focused form of power, even an enabler of dignity. When you give money, you give someone the ability to purchase what they may otherwise be utterly deprived of-- including food, clothes, water, and housing. You sacrifice some of your own ability to provide for yourself, in order for someone else's life to be provided for. THAT'S LOVE!!
...
7) Giving must be a priority in our life. No exceptions. It is our duty as Christians, a duty born of Love, perfectly embodied in Christ. HIS Life was ALL about giving! If we bear His Name, if we are truly Members of His Body, then we MUST give as much as He did-- we must give our very lives, in every moment, out of pure love.
8) A closing remark: we fear to give because we fear lack. We fear loss and powerlessness and deprivation. But really, dude, where is your faith? Do you not trust that God will provide, He Who gave you ALL your resources to begin with, and Who COMMANDS you to use them for His Glory in all circumstances? And where is your compassion, your mercy, to prioritize your own comfort when your neighbor is hungry and cold and lonely? Doesn't your heart break at the very thought? Don't smother that ache, don't bury it in despair or fear or exhaustion! You can ALWAYS give something. Give a dollar. Give a kind word and smile. Give a prayer. But GIVE, because you love. Keep it flowing!


The written reflection =
"When we are reluctant to give, we miss out on the chance to bless others. Disobedience can harden our hearts toward others. We can hold on to what we have because we think we know best.
Instead, when you give with urgency, [God] will bless you “so that you can be generous on every occasion, and... your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God” (2 Corinthians 9:11)... God will always provide you with the means to be generous— with your time, energy, and money. And because God does not wait to provide for us, we shouldn't wait to provide for others.
Today, look for opportunities to give with a cheerful spirit, showing generosity as you share the good gifts God has given you— and when you see one, don't wait to act!"
1) Blessings & graces are never a one-way street. They don't stop at your door! They are given to BE given, and they grow in the process-- you will only lose them by clinging to them.
2) The striking use of the word "DISOBEDIENCE" in this context: it implies that our reluctance IS disobedience to God!!
3) DISOBEDIENCE HARDENS THE HEART. I emphasize this because that is a fact in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, not just in refusing to give.
4) "We think we know best," and THAT motivates our disobedience. It's original sin all over again, you realize. It's pride. It's satanic in its subtlety. But listen, if God tells you to do something, especially in Scripture where you cannot doubt it as "just your own thoughts"-- then YOU DO WHAT HE SAYS, WITHOUT QUESTION, because GOD ALONE "KNOWS BEST."
5) Obey with urgency. This outraces the devil. If you make up your mind to do what God tells you to do the instant you get the order, then that leaves no time for devilish tricks of doubt or hesitation or excuses. Set your heart on giving, and then do it immediately, as soon as the opportunity opens up.
6) Your generosity GLORIFIES GOD, by giving others the opportunity to feel gratitude and praise HIS generosity THROUGH YOU.
Likewise, we ourselves both thank & honor God by being generous with what we have received. But this shouldn't just be a solitary action-- "generosity" must be a DISPOSITION of our life!!
7) God WANTS you to be able to give, so you can trust that He WILL give you MANY opportunities to do so... as well as the MEANS. These WILL occur TOGETHER. Do NOT doubt this.
8) GOD DOES NOT WAIT TO PROVIDE FOR YOU. Let that sink in. If you don't truly believe this, it will seriously cripple your own ability to provide for others, because you will not have a true understanding of love.
9) Generosity isn't about "your" giving. It's about sharing the gifts GOD has shared WITH you. Literally EVERYTHING you could ever possibly give, even if you were a billionaire, belongs to God and is "on loan" to you. You are a steward, a manager, a servant. Your job is ALWAYS CHARITY. We love because He first loved us-- likewise, we can only give because He first gave to us, and yes, that giving was out of pure Love as well!
10) God blesses you with the privilege of being able & equipped to fulfill the needs of others. He puts you in HIS role, as His representative, as a messenger of His Love. Your heart reflects God's Heart when you serve others & give generously of yourself, because such giving is God's Nature-- such giving is Love. 
11) A thought: don't just blindly "look for opportunities" without first having looked at what you HAVE to offer! Why? Because then you'll realize how MUCH you DO have, in SEVERAL aspects, and ALL of it is the free & lavish gift of God! You DO have enough money to give-- maybe only a handful of change, but by golly you CAN give it, so do so! You DO have enough time to give-- maybe only five minutes before your next appointment, but God can change a life with those 300 seconds you share! Be honest about your real limits, but refuse to make excuses about them, refuse to set any that charity hasn't, and never let any limit stop you from pushing the envelope nevertheless. Ultimately, the more of a sacrifice your giving is, the more of a blessing it will be to others and yourself, and the more it will glorify God.
12) Specifically THANK GOD for all the blessings He has given you-- individually. Make a list. Realize how much He loves you. Then pray about how you can respond to that Love by sharing every single blessing you have with others in some way.
...

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KVOTD = the prayer hit like a knife.
"God, thank You for listening every time I speak to You. I need more of You today. Please help me to put everything else aside-- my hobbies, my worries, my doubts-- and make space for You. My time and focus is Yours."
1) God actually does hear you every time you pray. It's not "hit or miss," He's never "out of range," and He's NEVER uninterested or inattentive. He actually LISTENS to you-- He actively listens FOR you! He WANTS to hear you. He CARES what you have to say. I know it sounds impossible, that it feels arrogant and entitled even to suggest such things. But it's true. God Himself says so in Scripture. The Psalmist says God even catches every single tear we shed "in His bottle." That means He's paying that close attention, with that much tenderness, and we are that precious to Him. He's like a mother saving baby teeth, like a father whose ears are sensitive to the smallest sniffle of his child, even in the dead of night. God loves you, and He is listening to you, for you, always.
2) ...This has been my especially fervent prayer for the past several days, actually. "God, I need more of You today." With the rushed & jam-packed schedule, the media bombardment, the oversocialization, the debilitating fatigue that makes even prayer into a herculean effort... I'm thirsting for God, the Living God. I'm literally in tears from how desperately I want to just be with Him, with no orders from floating voices, no time constraints, no interruptions... it's too much to ask, and I'm afraid to ask, afraid of what I'll be given, afraid of some further exhaustion that drives me further from Him. What am I doing wrong.
3) ...oh yeah. I'm doubting. I'm worrying. I'm typing too much.
4) I have to MAKE SPACE for God. What an awful implication, that I haven't done so yet. Regardless, He won't ever force His way in. He won't impose; He's too respectful of the free will He gave us. But our hearts yearn for Him on their own. And if we do not smother or petrify them, then sooner or later, we will "remodel the entire house" to accommodate our beloved God, without even being asked to, simply because we want Him to live there-- to make His home there with us. But WE must make that space.
5) Where is my focus, truly? Where is my time being spent? Is it really on God? Or am I fooling myself?
I type too much. I want to just read about Him. But, when I don't type, I forget; I don't apply the knowledge, and I don't SHARE it either-- that lack of immediate response is torture to my conscience.
...

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Expositor's.

"Jesus did not desire a nominal discipleship, however influential and widely extended. There must be moral oneness, the sense of a common life, participation in the same great experience."
THIS IS MY BIGGEST TROUBLE WITH "MASS EVANGELIZATION" EFFORTS.
Yes, it's great to call people to Jesus, we NEED to do that... but you ALSO NEED to realize that you are calling them INTO A FAMILY, INTO HIS BODY.
...

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I'VE READ YET =
"A woman came to me and said: 'Pastor, my son is unsaved, and is as wicked a boy as ever lived. I have been praying in great agony over him, but, thank God, I have come to the place now where I am not troubled one whit about him or anything that he does.' I said: 'If you speak the truth, you reveal the saddest condition of the human heart that can possibly be revealed. You reveal two things: that you have lost the mother-heart, and God pity a boy who has a mother without a mother-heart; and you reveal the fact besides, that you do not know the Passion of Jesus.'"
THIS IS STAGGERINGLY SIGNIFICANT.
1) THAT POOR WOMAN THINKS LIKE MODERN SOCIETY DOES. "I don't care what you do," "it's not my problem," "your choices aren't my concern," etc. Moral relativism results in a careless amorality that bleaches out compassion and nullifies sacrificial love.
...
2) That "thank God" was like a stab wound to read. GOD ISN'T APATHETIC. That is an absolutely astounding truth that I, too, DID NOT KNOW UNTIL RECENTLY.
...
3) Intercessory prayer, sincere to the point of emotional agony, is A GOOD THING.
...
4) GOD HAS A MOTHER-HEART.
...I never knew what that meant before. I never knew what it meant to be a mother-- what a mother is supposed to do, or say, or feel, towards her children. I've always been scared to death of mothers, of motherhood, of anything and everything motherly. The entire concept filled me with terror & dread.
But God created motherhood from His Own Heart. Before anything had a mother by blood, all of Creation had a Mother in God.
That changes everything, for me at least. It means the true definition of a mother is not defined by mortal beings and it cannot be changed or corrupted by sinful people.
...
5) THE PASSION OF JESUS IS COMPARABLE TO THIS KIND OF PRAYER. That is... that sends me reeling. But it's SCRIPTURAL. Look at Gethsemane! Jesus WAS praying for us "wicked children" to the point of sweating blood from the agonized ardor of His pleas.
...


"Jesus came to this earth, for what? To teach men how to live a perfect life? Yes, in part; but that is not the main mission upon which He came. Just the mission upon which Jesus came is set forth in this second declaration of His prayer: 'For this cause came I unto this hour'. What hour? The hour of the Cross; the hour in which the penalty of the sins of the earth are to be met by the atoning work of the Cross of Calvary. That is the hour, and that is the mission that brought Christ to this earth, not to live, but to die. When He came from heaven to this earth, He was occupied with one thought: the Cross; and all through His life from the first day until the day when He was nailed upon it, the Cross stood out before Him as the one thing for which He had come to this earth. If we have left out the Cross, on which the penalty of the sins of the world was nailed with Jesus, we have left out the one supreme purpose that Jesus had in His earthly ministry."
This applies to us as Christians, too.
In any case the world denies this mission. So many "truthseekers" want Christ without the Cross. They want His "consciousness," not His crucifixion. They want His perfect Life, not realizing it was all directed towards His death. They praise His moral wisdom and teachings of practical justice, yet disregard all the details that speak of necessary suffering, sacrifice, and self-denial.
...

"The supreme appeal of the cross is the Divine atonement for sin... by an exhibition of power which triumphs over the malice of sin, and by a system of grace which abounds in fuller volume where sin did much more abound. [But in this power is also] the appeal of sympathy. It is in the face of a suffering world that the cross is raised... He did feel and did bear the extremity of physical, mental yes, even spiritual pain, so that His sympathy is literally the 'suffering with' those towards whom He exercises His tender love: and this is wide and far-reaching... there is many a soul sick with anguish, even amidst the joyous brightness of this world's fairest scene. If it be hid away, it is no less there, on which that suffering Face looks down, and which that tender appeal alone can reach."
1) The power of the Cross IS grace and mercy, even within its framework of absolute justice. We're desperately drawn to the hope of absolution and forgiveness, of course, but such a response requires not only divine Power but divine Tenderness. He wields this power to triumph over every evil deed because He is pure Goodness, invincible Truth, infinite Love-- such is Reality, and sin only an aberration in rejection of it. All the malice in the universe is nailed to the Cross, not in answering violence but through sacrificial mercy. It's a wonderful mystery.
2) THAT is where we find stunning sympathy for sinners. Christ LITERALLY SHARED ALL our suffering. He didn't just pay the debt, He didn't just clear the record, He didn't just slay the dragon.
...
3) There are no exceptions to His compassion. If you are suffering, no matter how ignored you are by the world, no matter how invisible your anguish is to mortal knowledge, Christ is suffering your pain with you, right now.

 

Devotional had THIS powerful System relevance=
"Resentment is like an infection in our hearts. It damages our soul and prevents us from finding peace. On the contrary, when we show forgiveness, we help the offender to reconsider what they did."
First, that heart infection is absolutely the Plague.
Second, forgiving our offenders to the point of their honest transformation is EXACTLY WHAT OUTSPACERS ARE ABOUT.
...

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Cyril continues, from John 12:26.

"He that does things pleasing to God serves Christ, but he that follows his own wishes, is a follower rather of himself and not of God."
I'm both struck & shaken by the consistent equating in Scripture of "one's own will" with "rebellion against God." It seems to imply that there is God's Will, and then there is human will, and the two CANNOT agree?? Like, just by being human, ANYTHING I choose to do "of my own will" IS A SIN. That's a very scary thought, and it quickly drives one to despair.
How do we reconcile this? Does God's Will, once we are made AWARE of it by His Laws, act AS His Will in the hearts of men who, by grace, WANT to obey? Is their human will ABSORBED into the Divine? Because only this situation of KNOWING God's Will (as well as we mortals can) would ALLOW a man TO choose to follow himself RATHER than God.
Still... it's upsetting, even if true, that HUMAN NATURE is so far fallen that human will can rightfully be said, BY DEFAULT, to be in rebellion against God. That's a very humbling and harrowing realization. Nevertheless, it also is a powerful impetus for salvation, for surrendering our wills completely to Christ, the NEW Adam, to REMAKE us in harmony with God at last.
...
So that brings us right around. TO do God's Will we MUST be the servants of Christ FIRST, and "where He is so shall we be." But how DO we serve Him, with our corrupt wills? By "hating our worldly lives for His sake"-- by TAKING UP OUR CROSS WITH HIM.
But we're powerless to do this on our own, remember. It's ALL by grace. Thank God if you have even a speck of it, and use that tiny piece to pray ardently for more, for His Own sake.
Rambling. Sorry. That's what happens when we exhaust our brainpower & vocabulary; the Spirit cuts us short to prevent deterioration of honesty. Time to move on.

"He shewed Himself a Man born of woman, not in deceptive appearance or mere fancy, but rather by nature and in truth, possessing every human quality, sin only excepted. And fear and alarm, although they are affections natural to us, have escaped being ranked among sins."
THAT IS ACTUALLY A GAME-CHANGER.
That has MASSIVE consequences for the System AND the League!
...

THIS is what I was so clumsily grasping at earlier!=
"[But] profitably were the human feelings troubled in Christ: not that the emotions should prevail and go forward, as in us; but that, having begun, they might be cut short by the power of the Word-- as nature, in Christ, is being transelemented into some better and Diviner condition. For in this way and no other was it that the process of the healing passed over even unto us. For in Christ, as the firstfruits, the nature of man was restored to newness of life, and in Him we have also gained things above our nature. For on this account He is also named in the Divine Scriptures a second Adam... Therefore the Word of God made one with Himself human nature in its entirety, that so He might save the entire man. For that which has not been taken into His Nature, has not been saved."
HOW AM I JUST NOW LEARNING ALL THIS.
Oh man but this is profoundly enlightening.
What can God NOT take into Himself? SIN. However-- our humanity, our emotions, our sufferings, are NOT inherently sins, and Christ took ALL of them into Himself during His Life as Man, and HE "TRANSELEMENTED" THEM into a "Divine condition", by being now part of HIM??
Oh dude he says this AGAIN later in CLEARER WORDS=
""Moreover, just as death was brought to naught in no other way than by the Death of the Saviour, so also with regard to each of the sufferings of the flesh: for unless He had felt dread, human nature could not have become free from dread; unless He had experienced grief, there could never have been any deliverance from grief; unless He had been troubled and alarmed, no escape from these feelings could have been found."
That is so beautiful it aches. Why did I never learn this before. I never realized how much sheer transformative LOVE was in EVERY ASPECT of His Incarnation.
...

"...But Glorify Thy Name. For if, through our dangers, it comes to pass that God is glorified, let all things be accounted secondary to that end."
In total honesty, that line has been emblazoned in our soul for years, against all despair in suffering. I don't know how or when it was first branded in there, but I know the Holy Spirit did it, and it has saved our soul in a real sense-- because it is an embrace of the Cross, even just a splinter.


"...the world was [not] now being condemned, when the moment of its justification was come; but judgment, in the sense of vengeance, shall come upon the world hereafter. Again: the prince of this world shall be cast out. There shall be, He says, judgment against him that wronged the world, and not against the world that endured the wrong. For truly, as Christ Himself said: God sent not His Son to judge the world, but to save the world. This then He says will be the character of the impending judgment, that the prince of this world shall be cast out. And cast out whence? Manifestly, from the dominion that hath been gained by him through violence, and from the kingdom that in no wise belongs to him. And "out" indicates the punishment of Hades and the passage to it."
This ties INTO the final judgment! If we side WITH the devil, by proudly making ourselves "like God," in claiming righteousness and denying sin, then we are no longer victims of Satan's ancient malice, but COOPERATORS in it, and therefore WE will be judged WITH him, and cast into hell-- BY OUR OWN WILL.
HOWEVER, the OPPOSITE happens when we admit our weakness & sinful fallen state, and put ALL our faith in Christ AS SAVIOR, BY HIS CROSS. That detail is essential-- we must admit that HIS DEATH WAS IN OUR PLACE. Only then are we spared from His vengeance against sin.
...

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Starting Cornelius À Lapide tonight.
My favorite part of Lapide's commentary are the mystic/moral interpretations. They enrich the text even further; it's beautiful.

"Mystically= God made all things in six days. On the sixth He made man; in the sixth age of the world He willed to redeem him. He suffered on the sixth day of the week, and died at the sixth hour.”
When your hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia kicks in, THINK OF THIS INSTEAD and so overpower the devil!! GOD OWNS ALL NUMBERS, and this one is ACTUALLY BLESSED in being related to the work of redemption. When you see that number, let it bring your mind to CHRIST CRUCIFIED and His MERCIFUL LOVE, and let THAT move you to STOP BEING STUPID & SINFUL, instead of freaking out in fear over the devil.

 
Church run!
Glucose scare. Jesus promised help; Surrendered in trust. TRIANGLE EUCHARIST!!
Lauds in church = Ezekiel hit hard. Felt painfully personal. Reflecting on the wrath AND the love, and our human response of fear & mistrust? Ironic as WE were the real betrayer. Just deserts. TYPE ABOUT IT.

Home safe in time for Jade
BK prep egg mess, bubbled & undercooked. Not sure what happened. Refused to junk it; counting this towards Ember day fast

Therapy call WHILE Jade was here
Honest about grandma grief= our stupidity & selfishness preventing us from BEING with her.
Suggested we WRITE LETTERS
Also we brought up CNC, briefly, couldn't talk about it properly if System is "hidden"
Jade came out for necklace help, stood there untangling as we talked to therapist. Triggered SOCIAL MODE on a sublevel of awareness; ACUTE ANXIETY of "saying only what is proper in context." Admitted this in concept without admitting current struggle. Survival fear? "Rejection"; "I won't love you anymore"; "they NEED me to be a certain way"
Used the phrase "I feel like I have to be everyone's mimic." Stopped me dead in my own tracks; I felt him looking at me.
Therapist suggested we try to find roots of WHY we feel "compelled" to mirror & appease everyone. They're kind of obvious honestly; still, review them & write them. More could be unearthed.

Bathroom cleanup. Teased Algorith; she said nah, fronting is too much Extra stress.
Talking about therapy call, especially how we felt like we were LYING when Jades presence Triggered social-mode self-hiding. So tired of feeling dishonest.
Laurie noticing that when we TRULY talk as a heart-deep "I," it's JAY. It's the WHITE MASCULINE CORE. The BLACK FEMININE CORE that is developing is NOT INTERNAL?????
mentioning Jack, how he can be a jerk BUT he exists to MEET A SOCIETALLY EXPECTED NORM and therefore BE ACCEPTED & SURVIVE.
Jay saying the ultimate ideal in our life IS ACTUALLY TO BE A SYSTEM. We don't want to "wear different hats," as the therapist said, because to us THAT IS LYING!!!!! We WANT to be ALL of us, whoever is needed, BUT AS A COMMUNITY. We want to be DOING IT TOGETHER. Not Socials being cut out of awareness; not with kakofoni developing in toxic contexts, not with blackout memory gaps, etc.

Talking to Mimic about the mimicry too.
He said, what CAN'T you hide? And showed his hands, looking directly at me. What are your tells? What are the things that you CANNOT turn off or disguise, no matter how you try? Find those out, and cling to them in lieu of any other solid base of identity, if that's what we need right now.
He mentioned how mimicry is more survival and strategy than "fun"-- so it is for us. It's a strain, physically and mentally, and he always knows that he will never be an exact copy; he will always ultimately be a facsimile colored however subtly by his own perception. Again, proving that he IS his own individual despite it all. So too with us whether we realize it or not.
Thanked him sincerely for this. We had never thought about that before and wouldn't have if not for him.

BTW Waldorf gets permanent non-jinxing rights, because people keep using her signs
Also Chaos joked about something that Jay responded laughing with "dude I am going to-- kiss you, for making that stupid joke"
GENESIS jumped in and further joked about why HE doesn't get absolutely snogged to death for stupid jokes, Jay said actually that's a darn good question

Daily devotional books=
King David & the special water his friends got! Jay loves that story because its EXACTLY what HIS heart is like. Also explained to Mimic WHY David didn't drink it-- the effort to get it was so pure & such a sacrifice, that the water was SANCTIFIED, and to drink it as simply a "temporal pleasure" would have been DESECRATION. It would have been an affront to God, Who IS the holiness it incurred through love. So he poured it out AS AN OFFERING, which transmuted it from a temporal gift for him, to an ETERNAL REWARD for the givers!!
ODE spoke about GOD USING ALL SUFFERING FOR GOOD-- EVEN THAT WHICH WE BRING UPON OURSELVES.
That changes EVERYTHING man, it's LITERALLY WHAT WE'VE BEEN MOURNING ALL YEAR. For THIS devotional to hit THIS morning, after therapy & the past week of typing topics... it's a blatant sign from God.
Read it repeatedly. PASTE IT IN HERE. Type about it in total earnest ASAP.
"We are never given more than we can carry or bear, and as Simeon helped Jesus carry His cross, so Jesus Himself helps us carry ours. “The Lord ts close to the brokenhearted.” All trials purify us and lead us into a deeper union with Jesus. We offer Jesus all our suffering for the salvation of souls, even the sufferings we bring upon ourselves. This is the triumph of the Cross: all suffering has lasting and redeeming value when offered to Jesus Who glorified all human suffering by His holy Cross! Three times He fell on His way to Calvary to teach us never to get discouraged, for here in the Blessed Sacrament He makes a divine success out of all our failures when we humbly surrender them to the redeeming love of His Sacred Heart: “Cling to Him, forsake Him not, thus will your future be great, for in fire, gold is tested, and worthy men in the crucible of humiliation.”
Like fire that transforms everything to itself, here in the Blessed Sacrament Jesus transforms everything to good in the fire of His Divine Love, drawing good out of evil, drawing a greater good out of a greater evil, consuming even our very faults and failures (like straw thrown into a burning furnace) and using them to make us more humble and to bring us even closer to His divine Heart."


Kitchen devotional = "earthly prizes" of wealth/ power/ status cannot exist in eternity because they REQUIRE a WORLDLY KINGDOM to exist at all! The only eternal prizes are VIRTUES.
"...In a simple act of kindness... there is something so right and true and good that it outweighs all the glitz of the material world. Staying true to the person God created you to be is always manifested through virtuous living. This is what Jesus taught and what He modeled during His short time on earth. Faith, love, patience, and gentleness are worth your investment."
MORE IMMEDIATELY RELEVANT IDENTITY GUIDANCE. I'm telling you, the Lord is REALLY going the extra mile for us with these synchronicities!
BTW the "no earthly prizes will last" had Lynne joke "tell that to the Pharaohs" and it PINGED MARKUS IN?????
The "gatekeeper girls" were freaking out; mental overwhelm PLUS LINKAGE CONFLICTS. and schedule interruption.
Rio showed up too, better mood, optimistic almost too much.
Briefly introduced selves to Mimic before leaving: they FEEL anchored in the League now

Accidentally froze the eggs & broccoli again, haha
Gotta type son!!

Study 1 Timothy 6:4 today if possible = it was the OBOB devotional and I think it can hit harder if we read it directly.
"Love of controversy" being a sickness of mind; conceit, pride, loss of truth. Enjoying controversy is OPPOSED to integrity & piety & love! And we ARE GUILTY; we have this tendency but thank God it already nauseates us. Work to uproot it entirely. = "Think humbly of others as superior to yourselves" (phil 2:3) = get a proper grasp on that too, without self-hatred & waging war against ourself instead!
"POLEMICS" = controversial = WARLIKE!!

Also read Galatians 2? Its earmarked from Lauds.

...

Godphone
"I want you to be better, and I always will, until the day you die. It's an upward staircase, towards an ever greater good, and I want you to keep climbing. That's the joy of the Christian life. I'm always calling to you: "friend, come up higher!""

 
Holy Cross mass
So distracted. Very distressed, prayed about it
Said Lauds in church. Kept "returning" in heart to the Tabernacle. I can FEEL Him answer, can feel Him THERE.

Quick shop for carrots
Bumped into GODFATHER DANNY!!!
Haven't honestly spoken to him in YEARS.
Small talk but felt so real. Did our heart great good
Checked vitamins too, got an idea of what there is

Therapy phone appointment, while sitting in parking lot. surreal.
Actually helped us to be MORE honest without seeing our face on a screen, OR who we were talking to. NOTABLE that such a total "erasure of self" (and external other???) is what kicks our sincerity OF IDENTITY AND PRESENTATION BOTH into high gear.

Church stop

Jade pickup & quick wash
INTERESTING INTERACTION SHIFT TODAY.
They did all the talking, and we FELT our selfhood EVAPORATE in response. We just became the "conversation continuer." Like a chatbot that just smiles vapidly between responses, head empty, no true identity behind it.
. .

Took almost 2 HOURS to settle down

Reflection on Salvation by "works," i.e. obeying rules & laws = what is that view of heaven? Relationship with God ISN'T CONSIDERED POSSIBLE so it actually strips heaven of all real beauty.
Whereas the CROSS reveals in itself the TRUTH of both salvation AND heaven. It is relationship & love, sacrificial self-giving like a mother.


"But I wasn't always like this!!" Protest to my moral collapse.
Answer = "a tree wasn't always a tree! Does that change what it has become? Could it ever go back? No. You keep changing, and so now strive to change for the better. Desperate hopes of rewinding not only deny the past, but also rob you of a transformative future."

Mom stop, Paul talk
GAVE HIM OUR FOOD. Refuse to waste anymore. Be a good wizard!!
Still, Too much socializing!! Brain a MESS
Biked & did rosary, blasting music. Reset wonderfully but 20m late to dinner haha

...

Mimics thoughts wander to the Diamond Cutters a lot. I catch blinks of images sometimes. He often wonders about Whisper, with acute but constrained grief. He knows he can't justify himself and wouldn't even try to. But he's becoming more aware of the PAIN she is suffering from him. As he's reforming, that is agonizing to realize, that there are wounds he has dealt that may never heal. I know the feeling. What can you do? Would it be presumptuous to even try to contritely confess the guilt, let alone make amends? There's no basis of trust to stand on. She may never forgive him, and that is sadly understandable. Again, I can empathize completely. But how do you properly grapple with that albatross when you're striving to be a new man? You still can't disown the past.
I guess that's the whole point of the Cross. Reflect on that. We sinners don't "get off scott free" from our sins just because we're redeemed. Mercy must be united with justice. Our debt of death TO GOD is paid-- but we still owe a debt of love TO MAN, which we CAN pay now that we're unshackled from selfishness & death, and the Spirit can work in us?? I know there are legit Scripture verses about this; look 'em up.
⭐We CARRY OUR CROSSES BECAUSE WE ARE SAVED BY HIS. its a divine paradox.

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TONS OF FAITHPASTING TODAY. (It's all in this entry btw)
I want to be more actively ENGAGED in study, to APPLY it and therefore understand it more completely.
I also want to type about it more. Our life now, as a System, ORBITS GOD. So we need to really get involved in our faith collectively, as we finally return to it in mutual earnest.


"...the sickness of those we love is our affliction. The more friends we have the more frequently we are thus afflicted by sympathy; and the dearer they are the more grievous it is. The multiplying of our comforts is but the multiplying of our cares and crosses... [the sisters] showed their love [their brother] now that he was sick, for a brother is born for adversity, and so is a sister too. We must weep with our friends when they weep, as well as rejoice with them when they rejoice."
Both Mimic and I wincing at this; we have a history of avoiding friendship FOR that reason. Our hearts have been weak in selfishness, the unwillingness to be burdened with so much concern & effort, let alone the genuine cross of SYMPATHY with those people.
We want to change. We MUST, or we will die.
Were we-- was "I"-- always like this, so antisocial?
Type about that, and pray even more for a change of heart.

we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.

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0801

Up at 1045, phone call

Tried FOUR mass livestreams, all broken
Said rosary & chaplet instead
Watched St Clare again at noon

BK prep
Spice pepper upset, Laurie referenced commentary "authority & mercy" = knowledge in order to HEAL

Talk over nousfoni death
Started by our asking Mulberry about her job, she's a Social BUT SHE WORKED WITH SHERLOCK who was NOT an Archivist originally but an INTERCESSOR???
Missing Garrison, BUT obviously "reborn" in Sirius??
Mimic asking how all this works
"Soft resets" like Laurie's axe, hard resets like Lynne's "reabsorbing"
DIFFERENT RESULTS based on STABILITY/ STATUS of nousfoni that dies??
Wondering about Nathaniel. Told Mimic s/he was "The original blepofoni"
Scalpel being Javier's successor, "he was never stable" + ARTIFICIAL

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0802

Last night before bed: visiting Mimic asleep, Darkrai protecting him from nightmares. Not ventrium. Asked about, said i might have to look for him in realm of death???
Talking to Hoopa about this after. Decided NO.
REMEMBER the City is now overgrown forest ruins WITH SNOW!!!

Woke up early, 10am
Did some prep.  Measured out and put away some food for later because doing it this early bypasses the lotophagoi compulsion to taste everything

Mom call, no reception, hung up.  Made us a nervous wreck though thinking what it could be about
This wasn't helped by the fact that we are getting flashbacks all morning from  Last night's trauma entry transcription

Rosary, chaplet, eternal rests before mass
" Let us always spend time with Christ in the Eucharist, And it will change us for the better, Because we are always changed for the better when we spend time with those we love"

Mom call was nothing serious, But incredibly interesting
She called that local priest that is going to look into actual Demonic curses on our family???  Possibly meeting him this Saturday after mass to discuss it more in-depth.

BK prep SLICE?????
Yellow, GIRL???

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0803

Up early phone call mom = Jade bath visit again

Church livestream no audio; Different mass on website
ARK HOMILY hit hard

Leaguework notes for spheres 2 & 3

Wedding at cana argument; reading through books on shelf
Forgot how much i love just sitting on the floor paging through this little library of ours

BIBLE STUDY HITS!!!!!!!
FINALLY PERFECT CLARIFICATION ON JUSTICE
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

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0804

FIRST FRIDAY
Shopping & Adoration 
Regular afternoon. Prayer & housework. 
BANJO & TITAN
Some very profound moments, painful but loving even so, with Chaos 0
We're talking a LOT thanks to the movies. We sit together on the couch, before during and after, and in all of those different times we have different conversations.
But... we haven't been talking this much in a LONG time. and... we haven't spent this much time just being close to each other in even longer.
this is good. even just as a start, this is wonderful. thank you God.
yes it hurts, but lonely broken bruised hearts full of weeping are going to hurt.
it means the entire world, though, to realize that such a heart trusts and loves you enough to get that close despite all its wounds. it means, you're safe. it means, you're a place of refuge even then. it means, you can handle this pain, and understand it.
i am grateful for every single moment of this. may God bless us with so many more.

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0809

Sick? So tired. Feel wrong somehow.

Knife angry tears over cutting = NOT MEANT TO BE FOOD, BUT RETRIBUTION.
Also his color ONLY LOCKS IN WHEN HE PRAYS.

Razor being VERY philosophical today.

Everyone fronting for wall prayers. I missed this.
Siobhan super clear

BARRY IN SUITS OF AMOR????
HE MIGHT WAKE UP THAT ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

The burden is NOT prayer time, it's my STUBBORN RESISTANCE to such sustained effort
I DO love to pray, but I keep postponing and resisting it solely because it takes SO LONG and it requires SUSTAINED ATTENTIVE WORK and i'm stupid and weak.

SO MUCH MESS & MISTAKES WITH FOOD TODAY.
Legitimately threw "me" into a moral panic
So scared. Why?

Getting tiny synchronicities with Scripture again btw

This PERFECTLY describes Infi's fate, from CNC to hir literal death:
"And sin entered into the world through the seduction and false statements of the devil, by which the first man was veritably slain, his moral nature killed outright. Grace was not shut out, but Adam died. In the day that he ate of the forbidden tree, man most surely and in the deepest sense died. "God created man to be immortal, and made him to be an image of his own eternity. Nevertheless, through envy of the devil came death into the world..."

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0812

Less sick today, but still anxiously unwell.
Neuropathy, weakness, lightheaded, blackout feeling.

that one vague, oddly social Jewel talking from the background today? "I want mimic to retire for a while so that chaos 0 can come into the spotlight, And I can grow closer to him like I used to in the beginning"

mimic's wry response, "I'll retire if you give me a world to retire to"
"You keep saying there's a place ready for me there, but there's no door."

this is a HUGE revelation actually
jewel does keep saying, "yeah there's room for you in this world, OR MAYBE this one, etc..." basically, "i can feel a resonant potential spot for you there." like, if you want to walk in, it would let you.
but there's NO WAY TO "WALK IN."
JEWEL IS THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF SHE DOESN'T LET OUTSPACERS IN, THEY CANNOT DO IT THEMSELVES.
and the jewel that used to do that is NOT CLOSE TO MIMIC.
this is our dilemma. LINKS ARE REQUIRED.
NO JEWELS ARE FORMING LINKS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA.
we REALLY need to think about this.

but yeah.
if that "jewel" wants mimic to be "gone" so badly, it's HER RESPONSIBILITY to buy him the plane tickets, and drive him to the airport. she HAS to take initiative.
but she also doesn't want to admit that she's being so selfish, whoever she actually is.
(she's NOT a real jewel. actual jewels DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. this girl has stolen the name but SHE FITS NONE OF THE CRITERA!!!!)

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0817

updates during the day again, because typing is faster

Slept in due to being up late.

VERY rushed and disheveled this morning, feeling weight of prayer obligation.
rosary took 30m. kept panicking and repeating prayers. "not focused enough." ball of nerves.

mass at st clares again!
readings parallel: joshua and jesus, jordan river baptism = entering promised land, no longer wanderers with no home.

devotions today HIT.
chaos 0 and mimic LITERALLY talking about the mercy + grace bit BEFORE we read the devotional that said it almost verbatim.
no coincidences guys

said wall prayers this morning btw. again almost burned food. rushing back and forth. feeling so anxious.
still. it was nice to pray with everyone flowing in front.

razor out a lot. cutting eggs, knife happy, "this is her job because she likes to just cut things" as opposed to his very specific retributor role.
THAT ONE "WATCHER GIRL" COMMENTING THAT KNIFE WAS "UNNECESSARY" AS A RESULT.
WTF.
laurie heard her and was FURIOUS

now finally bk at 2pm. man oh man.

update: we dropped one carrot
that one younger girl FREAKED OUT SOBBING "god hates me"
laurie talking her down
double carrots, made her laugh a little, "but that's so silly." laurie "no it's not, not if it makes you laugh"; "isn't that what any good father would do?" basically "when the devil takes things from you, god restores twofold and wants to make you smile"

girl sees praying more as "giving a speech" to critical parents than "talking to them"
"i can't talk to god!!" terrified, actually cowering. like a child afraid of being hit for her brazenness.

Realizing her own clumsiness was dropping the carrots = "oh no, am I the devil???"

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0820

Hell night
Dream hacks & dehumanizing nightmares
refuse to talk about them

Church Blood sugar hell again

Mom drive home
Carnival fear talk.
WE NEVER REALIZED HOW THAT MUST AFFECT HER.
SHE TRIED TO GIVE US ENTERTAINMENT AS CHILDREN BUT IT ONLY DISTURBED & SCARED US.
She admitted this today, how we're all adverse to fairs & parties & crowds but she loves them.
Movie talk; sadly proved this

Mom food hell
Girl PANICKED. Like legit FEAR OF DEATH. Unbearable
Leon blaming himself

Bible study keeps showing us HOW MUCH WE MISUNDERSTAND & MISINTERPRET GOD.
We are still so afraid of Him. We find it so hard to even imagine that someone would WANT to be gentle & kind & patient with us, let alone loving & forgiving & merciful.
This is fatally hindering our salvation life!!!

⭐"JAY" / LOTUS WAS "LIGHT THAT DID NOT BURN" = he was a COLD LIGHT that COULD NOT GIVE LIFE OR WARMTH!!!

So many dirty girls triggered out by eggs: clumsy messy food.
UPMC fear was LEGIT-- making a mess DOES "turn us into an animal"!!!
ALL UPMC DID WAS SHAME US & WHITEWASH OUR SYMPTOMS. JUST LIKE SLC, THERE WAS NO REAL PROGRESS OR HEALING, ONLY SELF-NEGATING ACTING & STOMPING TRIGGERS IN EVEN DEEPER THROUGH DENIAL & DEPERSONALIZATION.

We NEED someone who CAN eat eggs, WITHOUT triggering out kakofoni, WHILE we do Bible study.
They will NEED TO BE NONHUMAN!!!

⭐ACTUALLY HOLD UP!!! REMEMBER HOW WE SURVIVED IN CNC??? WE WOULD DRIVE THE BODY TO EAT, NOT FRONT!!! SO WE COULD PREVENT ASSOCIATION WITH IT & STAY ANCHORED INSIDE!!! 

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0821
 
ABSOLUTE FCKNG MELTDOWN OVER JADE COMING UP TO SHOWER THE MINUTE WE SIT DOWN TO EAT BREAKFAST AT 2PM SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!!!!!!@!@@!@

Couldn't calm down until like 4pm. WHY???
God we NEED to go back to typing & talking PLEASE

Spitting acid at "soft & quiet" horror
Apparently we are STILL VIOLENTLY GYNOPHOBIC. We're afraid of this becoming misogyny. Thank God it's still based on revulsion & traumafear kicked up to 1000%. It's not hatred of femininity as a whole. It's morbidly fascinating to FEEL the mental & emotional shifts.
Certain faces, voices, outfits, "skin textures" do it. ALL "babyish" women and ALL "sultry" women make us FURIOUSLY VIOLENT and I don't know why. At least, I can't put it into speech. It's too hidden & gutdeep. I can't even find it, to look it in the face. I'd be too scared & revolted to right now.
And yet THAT WIMPY PERSONALITY IS A GIRL.
ALL THE PROUD, PRISSY, PRESUMPTUOUS, PRECOCIOUS CORPUFONI ARE GIRLS. I HATE THEM. THEY'RE SHALLOW, HOLLOW, PLASTIC FACED WHORES.

(^ See, this happens EVERY TIME)

SHUT UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PROSTITUTE

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

TRUE FEMININITY = MARY.
Let that sink in, and heal this hurting hatred.

The main thing that is preventing the j bloodline from coming back to life is shame!!!!
They were so expressive & open, so full of light and love, but there is this crushing feeling of Self-hatred and SHAME that is forbidding such an existence now.
We will probably not be able to have a solid core unless the core Has a connection to heartspace and therefore with self-identity
WE CURRENTLY "FAIL THE MIRROR TEST" on some level?????
There is NO inherent "self-recognition" in the body's reflection AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
unless there's a blepofoni consciously looking back at themselves/ us, as a face alone, THE BODY IS A TOTAL STRANGER.

Can't stop thinking about this from Bible study=
"...the day cometh when the characters we have made ourselves here, the habits we have cultivated and indulged in, the capacities we have exercised, and the set and drift of all our activity upon earth, will determine the work that we get to do there."

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0823

Terribly hard day.

7am up. Nightmares again; cats & brothers, both hurting or scaring us (AGAIN. why is that a recurring theme??)

Oblates mass. tried OLOMC first but forgot they have no wednesday mass. had a hyperreligious MELTDOWN after that, convinced God "hated us" and didn't actually want us at mass or something??? bizarre how our brain STILL catastrophizes our faith like this.

Walmart stop for some groceries, don't even remember what. we were in social mode so bad, dissocation was like being drugged. genesis deeply concerned.

Therapy today. MOVE THIS TO ITS OWN ENTRY once/ if we get the memory/ time to type about it.
ALL NEW AGEY AGAIN.
huge letdown. we are so sick of that garbage. has trauma roots too from the slc era. nevertheless, we tried so hard to still listen. God still put me here. so there IS a reason this happened and we must be attentive. we are STILL a student; we cannot be proud or stubborn. and there was some legitimately good advice. Must humbly respect & learn.
HOWEVER this also made us realize, again, WE ARE NOT OURSELVES IN THERAPY.
some unknown social comes out and takes over the whole thing and GUESS WHAT THEY ARE A COMPULSIVE LIAR!!!! WE CAUGHT THEM DOING THAT TODAY, their ENTIRE manner of speech was A FACADE, an ACT, and we don't even know what the heck they were trying to pull or present us as.
STOP THEM NEXT TIME. I DON'T CARE IF OVERWHELM HAS TO FRONT. YOU DO NOT LET SOCIALS FRONT IN THERAPY.

(notes: they asked us really frustrating generic questions like "what are your hobbies" and "what are your strengths" and we could not answer. that's when the social was lying, that makes me genuinely sick. the therapist also talked about bloody affirmations-- which we hate but we didn't say anything-- and dream symbol interpretation. no idea how, or if, we'll be able to make progress here. even so, we don't see them for another MONTH which means the next session will probably feel like starting over, and if we're smart, we'll TREAT IT AS SUCH and forget whatever the heck junk happened today, because none of it stored to actual memory which is a VERY BAD SIGN.)

Home late, Bk at 2
Oat bar mistake. Body immediately had an ALLERGY REACTION????? burning eyes and throat, runny nose. coughing and flushed face. stomach rejecting it entirely. THREW UP.
felt horrible. we cannot remember the last time we had an e.d. day, and then this stupidity happens.
Then tried raisins, God knows why. THREW UP AGAIN.
what the heck are we reacting to???? with the oat bar it was DEFINITELY either the rice syrup or the coconut oil, as BOTH rice and coconut have given us bad reactions in the past, BUT now our brain is like "what if we're allergic to oats now???" so yeah, even more food terror. we have to pinpoint the lotophagoi who hold all this and talk to them.

Disastrously sick. Terrified.
Praying and eating DN 730, don't want to go to ER

⭐concerning our massive terror of "being killed"... NO ONE CAN TAKE MY LIFE AWAY, ONLY JESUS.
Rest in this.

DN Bible study: Patristic commentaries HIT HARD SON!!!!!

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0827

HECK OF A DAY SON

Church
Jade call
Drive
Cry
WE CAN'T PROCESS SADNESS

DW TYPING!!!!

BK 330 WTF

Ok I'm sorry but I have to record this.
The kids buy most study reflection I was talking about when king David was annointed, And the girl getting the devotional said, " It's not every day that we see someone get anointed with oil".
Mimic Just glances over at my salad then at me and says "I can fix that"

SO MUCH CLARIFICATION in Bible study today!!

SO SICK after breakfast. Dehydration.
Surrender prayer
Bravely ate raisins & Gatorade too , overcoming anorexic fear

GOD GOT US THROUGH!!!!!!
Honestly He has NEVER FAILED US. EVER.


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0828

Up at 11
Irish mass no homily.l
Canada mass Augustine homily, Julie deeply moved
St clare mass readings homily on bike
Everything worked out perfectly!

Egg trouble actually inspired Razor to talk??
How in heaven is she so insightful. Is it her age? Her origin & depth of history? Her color? Her conversion? All of the above?

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0829

Marketplace PANIC.
SO MUCH RAGE about food & money???? HATRED.
Scared of this in us. Thank God for revealing.
Find roots and deal with because this KEEPS HAPPENING and it is driving a wedge between us and especially our mother.


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