prismaticbleed: (aflame)
2013-07-01 11:33 pm

save my life


(this was such a life-changing, emotionally raw, brutally honest entry that we are actually going to leave it completely uncensored. to edit it in any way would be to take away from the sheer impact and pain of the original event.)





SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH JAY IRIDOS  INFINITII ETERNOS   +MEL V. (GUEST)



063013 20:39PM
J YOU BLOODY IDIOT IF YOU KILL YOURSELF I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUS AS HELL
Whenever you get this, get the hell upstairs. I don't care what you're in the middle of. TALK TO ME.
Those downstairs bitches are screwing with your head something fierce and I REFUSE to just sit back and watch this disaster continue any longer.
Don't you dare die on us, kid.
Talk to me.


070113 4:13PM
I daresay we discussed this last night, and this morning, at least to some extent.
But I agree. This keeps happening, and I know downstairs is a problem. It's weird that they run whenever you're around, for one.
I'm not quite sure what's going on, but we DO need to talk.
Xanga session tomorrow, or tonight?
(p.s. I love you, thank you for not beating the shit out of me for being such an idiot, haha.)


11:34PM
JEWEL DON'T YOU DARE

I'm trying not to.

Fuck you, man. FUCK YOU.
God damn it I cannot do this for another fucking night
I swear to god.
Don't do this shit, please.


Laurie I don't have any fucking methods lying around except pills! That's it, it's unreliable, are you happy now?
I'll be alive and dead for at least one more night.


No. I'm not fucking happy because one day, those goddamn pills will be ENOUGH for you to say "fuck this shit" and down 'em anyway.
I know you, I've seen you get that goddamn close before!!
WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.


i can't heal, damn it i can't seem to heal and i don't know why
i'm sorry laurie, i love you but i'm sorry this keeps happening.


No fucking SHIT you can't heal, you won't acknowledge the fact that you're MISSING A FUCKING ARM at this point.
You have gone through SO fucking much damage it's a miracle that you can still fucking WALK at this point.
And you STILL insist there is NOTHING WRONG.
THAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM.
You know that just as well as I do but you WON'T ADMIT SHIT.


laurie that's the problem this SHOULDNT BE A PROBLEM

FUCK YOU IT IS A PROBLEM
YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF OVER THIS SHIT
THAT MAKES IT A GODDAMNED PROBLEM.
I don't care if you don't think it's legit.
I DO.
THAT'S REASON ENOUGH, GOD DAMN IT.


but laurie julie was right
i shouldnt be sick over this
something is wrong with me


Don't give me that "shouldn't" shit.
Fuck all of that.
Let's focus on what IS happening, which is:
1. You ARE sick.
2. Julie was a BITCH when she said that to you, and you KNOW IT.
3. NOT EVERYONE ON THIS FUCKING PLANET FUNCTIONS THE SAME DAMN WAY.
You're ALLOWED TO BE DIFFERENT.
It's not going to make you a "heathen" or any of that shit, so chill out for God's sake.
J, TALK to me.


I am hold on
do you want to go on xanga or something isntead


Fuck no we don't have time, I want this shit written down so you can look back on it later IF you have another suicidal fucking meltdown, keyword is "IF" because GOD DAMN IT I do NOT want this happening EVER AGAIN, do you hear me?!

yes i hear you laurie
what do i do
if all it does is keep you from getting angry like this
i'll try one more day


You're going to try a FUCK of a lot more than one goddamn day, kid.
I am NOT going to let you die.
Talk to me.
Slowly, if you have to. Do you want me to ask questions? Yank this shit out of your ribcage since you've apparently nailed it shut again?


why laurie
don't take offense to that
but really, why


Fuck off and don't finish that thought.
I won't let you die because I love the hell out of you, kid.
Selfish, maybe, in your eyes at least.
I don't give a shit.
I love you and seeing you go through this shit for as long as I've been ALIVE has been hard enough.
Seeing you hit this point again, three fucking years after we BOTH almost kicked the bucket for the first time, is too goddamned much for ME to take.


i'm having
i'm having a lot of trouble with love right now
i am so sorry
i know it's being misplaced


That's the problem.
Kid, that is the fucking problem right there, and you have no goddamned idea how much it hurts me to see you say that.


go on

Heh.
Good to see you're listening.
But that's my fucking point.
Listen, I don't give a shit WHO you were in the past, none of that matters right now.
Can you look inside and tell me that you can TELL who you are RIGHT NOW?
Beneath all this shit.
Just let me know, can you fucking differentiate who you are from what you aren't? That's step one.


just barely
there's a little glimmer somewhere buried
just a little. i can barely feel it
can't give you any details sorry


That's fine, that's absolutely fine.
Hold on to that.
Okay?


okay
Okay.


Heh. Good to see some punctuation, kid.
Listen, where can we start with this that won't throw you the fuck off your newfound footing?
Can we start by talking about the pain or something?
Shit, I dunno, I don't want to push you too far.
Give me some pointers, kid.


Define "pointers"

Read the rest of the fucking message, I know you skipped it.

Okay, keeping footing. (had to retype that), sorry.
Um... i'm just going to be blunt
i just wrote a
blurty entry have you seen it

Kid, capitalize. Fucking capitalize.
Even forced control over a little thing will help you stabilize there. Okay?


Okay.
Have you seen it?


No.
Do you want me to read it now, or check out the headlogs?


Read it please. Maybe you'll see something I missed.

All right, give me a minute, kid.
...
Fuck, I want to reassure you but I don't want it to sound like canned fucking nonsense.
I won't even waste my time writing examples.
Just know that if I had the words, I'd give them to you right now, to help you through. To light things up a little.
But I don't, and it sucks.
Let me read that entry, hold on.
Kid, did you fucking read this YOURSELF?
Because this is EXACTLY what I'm trying to tell you.
Here, let me quote:
"I am terrified when people love me, or want to get close to me in any way."
"I haven't healed at all; the wounds keep getting deeper."
I'm not going to fucking read anymore because I swear to God I am going to cry if I read you apologizing to me for trying to kill yourself even one more goddamned time.


i'm glad i wrote that down sheesh
thank you whoever wrote that


Yeah, no shit.
Pull yourself together, kid.
Blast from the past, huh?


heh. yeah.
I'll capitalize, sorry.
That actually helped.


Good! Fucking great. Now let's talk straight for heaven's sake.
What the hell happened with Infi?
Don't chicken out on me, I know you can talk about this. Be cryptic if you have to.
We need to deal with this shit, don't make me pull another goddamned "Drowning" session on you here.


i might not be able tto capitalize is that ok

Yes, kid do whatever the fuck you need to, just talk to me, please.
What happened-- let's word this shit better-- that made you so fucking suicidal? What happened that made you realize "I'm hurt, I'm not healing, I can't deal with this?"


dissociating
woek up feeling wrong and dead tired
knowing something is broke
i'm not sure i honestly do NOT KNOW


Kid you know SOMETHING and it is right there in that fucking journal entry.
Let me spell it out for you, ready for this shit?


Yes, just hrury up, i think i'm sliping.

Fuck, just hold on there kid, please.
Here, here's the fucking problem:
YOU WERE ABUSED.
Can you read that shit?
Here, let me type it again.
YOU WERE ABUSED, IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, AND YOU ARE ALLOWED TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT SO YOU CAN FUCKING HEAL FROM IT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR DAMN LIFE.


I KNOW
ONE OF US KNOWS, OKAY
JEREMIAH KNOWS,, THAT'S WHY HE'S HERE
JULIE KNOWS TOO
YOU KNOW
CHAOS KNOWS
GENESIS KNOWS
EVERYONE KNOWS EXCEPT ME
i'm sorry.
I I can't seem to look right at it


I know. God damn it, kid, I know.

Here, I'm inviting Mel over.
Does that help?


Fuck, sure, let's figure this out.




070213 12:26AM

Laurie, what can I do.
If I had the money, I'd pay for the surgery myself, I swear. I'm so sorry.


Surgery? Wait, fuck, is his dysphoria kicking back in on top of this shit or what??
Wait, hold on, don't listen to me, I'm a fucking mess.
Kid said you wanted to talk. I'll be right there.


I might need to tell you my idea in a separate window...

Sure, hit me.

The only thing I can think of, and I think it would work if we could figure it out, is to smelt the splinters back into a whole person. It probably won't be the same person, but at least it will be whole. That's why I'm asking about fire.

I figured as much.
Don't know if the kid would be too keen on the idea, but it makes sense.


Doesn't matter. Most of the splinters probably would hate the idea, but you have to ask what's best for the system.
And these splinters do not seem like the best thing.


I know, I'm just concerned as fuck about what it would do to J.
I'm really not sure if he could handle having all those sharp edges shoved back into his head at once.
That's kind of what we've been trying and failing to do in small amounts for about two years now.


Can he handle the alternative?
If you've been trying in small amounts, then maybe try all at once.


I really don't know. You're probably right.

It's going to take some planning, though.
And a safe place. You have to make sure that no one will interfere.


I'm sure Infi will lend us his bubble if we need it.

Also, it's not shoving them back into place. Smelting involves melting it down and then recasting it into a new shape.

Good point.
What shape'd you have in mind, then?


Have you tried that?
A heart.
Seems like the best fit for this kid, anyways.


Heh. It does.
And no, we haven't tried actually "melting" the splinters into anything, mostly because I'd have no fucking idea HOW.
But you've got an idea, which is more than I've had concerning this.


You have to have fire/heat/lots of energy. Jo might be able to help, because lightning can deal a lot of instant heat.
But I think it might actually take the red slot being filled and then everyone from the other slots doing everything in their power to smelt the splinters down, and then shape it while it's hot before it forms into the wrong shape.


You know what.
We might not even need fire.


Why not?
Also, you have to gather every single one of the splinters together. If you miss even one, the problem will likely not go away but could even get worse.


Shit, then there's a problem already, heh.
We have NO idea how many there are. We haven't even been able to count them yet.


Then work on that?
It might be difficult, but at least it's a place to start. Also, try not to let them know what's going on. At least a few of them aren't going to be happy.


We are. It's hard enough cataloging all these bastards downstairs.
I don't think they're capable of knowing either. Not unless J knows.


Then don't let J know?
Sorry, I might be starting to slip. I'm trying to stay here, but after a certain time a flip switches and it's difficult for me to comprehend much.


Hey, if you need to go, then go.
I'll handle this. I usually do.
You have done MORE than enough and I appreciate it a hell of a lot.


Are you sure you can handle it without me? J's in a pretty bad place right now.

I'll do what I can. I promise.

That doesn't answer my question.

I guess it doesn't.
Listen, if I need help I'll get some. There are people waiting in the wings should I need them. That's a guarantee.


Where?

Infi, Chaos, Lynne, Genesis, the usual gang.
Shit, you should have seen last night, we had everyone helping out.


I wish I could have been there.

Why's that?

Because maybe then this wouldn't be a problem anymore.

Ah. Yeah, maybe. It'd be nice.

I just remember the feeling of channeling you and Chaos. It was so weird but good at the same time. It felt like we got somewhere with the kid then.

Heheh, yeah, I agree 100%.
I think we did. He thinks about it a lot.


Do you remember it?
I'm curious. When you were around, you told me no wonder the two of us didn't get along in person. We work on completely different frequencies.


Vaguely. It's a little waterlogged, haha.

I can always tell when you're around because your energy is different than everyone elses.
I'll never forget what Chaos feels like.
Sorry, I'm getting all sentimental and happy.
*sappy


I'm chuckling at that typo.
But shit, yeah, Chaos is INSANE.


Well I guess it's different because we're both water types so we just kind of meshed.
It's like when the river pours into the ocean, you can't tell the types of water apart anymore.


Makes sense.
I'm just... fuck. Not used to that sort of depth. Not like that.


What do you mean?

I've been around CZ since then.
More accurately, when he's been around J.
And I'll tell you what, I can barely stay in the room sometimes.
It's you water people, I swear, you and your inner oceans.


It's not quite the same, between he and I and he and J.
I think it's similar, but not the same.


You have no idea.
Yeah, the reactions are similar.


No, I don't.
I miss that , sometimes. I really wish I could bond to Q like that because it's the most beautiful thing.


Heh. I'll have to tell him you said that, if you don't mind.
...They've been having some trouble recently, to say the least.
Breaks my heart really.
Don't you ever get like this, y'hear?


Like what?

Like J is right now.
Doubting every bit of love in his heart because he's fucking terrified of what he's been told about it.
I don't even fucking know.
He's a mess and it breaks my heart.


I have Q as my anchor, so even though things get bad I don't think that they will ever get that bad.

Shit.

What?

I'm glad to hear that, Mel.
I'm just really torn up about this.
Whoa, emotional honesty from Laurie, talk about a rarity.


I'm glad I could witness it.
And I can see why you would be.


Yeah, it's rough.
Sometimes I really, really doubt my ability to keep him safe anymore.
Talk about an existential crisis.


Yeah, since that's your entire duty.
Just, don't give up on him.


I won't.

I don't know that it was exactly like this, but I had a lot of trauma I was dealing with from the first 18 years of my life. Even though nothing seemed to change for a long time, Q did not give up on me. He kept telling me the things I would never hear from other people and it wasn't until I got out of the environment that made all of the noise and gave me the wrong impressions that he was able to get through for more than a few days at a time.
Seems like something similar is going on.


It does.

So the only permanent solution is getting out of that house and then you continue to tell him that. Until then, just keep him alive.
I'm sorry I can't help out more with that.


S'fine, I know that's important.
I'm just scared as shit because I swear, his family hasn't said a fucking word to him about this stuff in months.
Yes, there are triggers, but all the real nasty shit is in his head now.


His family is not going to help him.
Wait, I might have understood him wrong.
Them not saying anything can actually make it worse.
It can make J think that he's making stuff up and that they were never actually as bad as he thought they were, so then he's the horrible person because he thinks badly of them when he has every right to think badly of them.


Aha, good, I thought that was an issue.
Good to see we're on the same page.
He's already thinking that.


I know. I went through the same thing myself.
They might have changed now, but that doesn't mean that at one point they weren't bad people.


He has a very hard time understanding that.
Ironically, his brain seems to be very black and white.
"If they aren't bad now, they were never bad at all."
It drives me fucking bonkers.


Nothing works that way.

Yeah, I know.

You can't even sketch without shades of gray.

CZ is real messed up by it too because he deals with it personally every fucking night.
I like that comparison, btw.


Share it with him if you think it will help.

Will do.

I seriously do need to go. Please feel free to keep talking in the same window, as I would like to check the message in the morning just so I can know what you've talked about.

Sure thing.

And as always, let me know if there's anything else I can do.

I will. Thanks again, really.

Anytime. Just...don't let him die. I don't think I could handle that.

I swear on my life that I won't.
He'll be here in the morning.


Thank you for doing what I can't

Same to you, friend.

2:31AM



070213 12:35AM

Whoa, wait, sorry, is this a new window?

Ahaha, yes it is, you fucking idiot.

Yeah it is, but that's fine.

She said stay in the other chat box.
Oh, hey Mel. Sorry to interrupt.


This works better, it's fine
Can tell you apart better.


okay.

All right, so where are we picking up from?

So tell me what's going on.

Mel, did you make any progress with this kid?

Uh, what do you mean by progress?

Well I've been trying for the past fucking half hour or so to get him to at least ADMIT that he's in pain for a legitimate reason.
Haven't quite gotten there yet.


He's talking to me, which is more than I've been able to do.
In the past, anyways.
Even if he hasn't admitted it, I can tell he's in serious pain.


Good, that makes two of us then.

i told you laurie SOMEONE knows abot the pain but theyre hidden deep i think

The only thing I can think of is that kid needs to get help from people who care. I just don't know how and I'm looking for anything.

you care yorue helping

Kid, she means someone BESIDES her and I for once.
Also.


People who care and have the ability to get you out of this situation and to real progress. I couldn't support you in the way you needed.

You said Jeremiah exists because of this shit, that he knows and I know and basically EVERYONE fucking knows why you're suffering right now EXCEPT YOU.

Who is Jeremiah?
I know I've heard his name before, but I am drawing a blank.


Downstairs guy. Pinkish. Fucking terrified of women.
We just brought him upstairs last night, hoping to get him the hell away from what's perpetuating HIS chronic state of paranoia.


And he exists because of what exactly?

Sexual abuse.

DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT
SHUT UP.


YOU SHUT UP, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE KID'S CHAT.
J, get back here.


trying.
hold on


And the PTSD from that is causing the suicide urges/attempts/whatever they are?

yes

Sorry, I'm not familiar with the jargon and I don't want to call it the wrong thing.

there i said it are you happy
no its okay


Yes, bottom line is, he's hurt as hell and it keeps coming back to haunt him.
Honestly I've been crossing my fingers hoping he wouldn't crash like this again, but I guess it was only a matter of time.


Have you considered getting the PTSD treated aside from the other issues?

yes weve tried all the time.

It's okay, I'm not going anywhere. My research is actually paying off. I've been reading the archive, so I'm familiar with what was recorded between 2003 and 2011.

Really? Haha, see kid, I told you not to delete that thing.

i guess

Please don't. It's helping me more than you know.

i mean i cant remember it anyway so

Believe me, I'm keeping it up there.
Held off quite a few attempts already.


What can I do? I just feel so limited in my ability to help, but I want to help.
Laurie, if it gets bad enough, would you be able to call for help? Like calling 911 if it came down to it?


Fuck, if I had to I'd saw off my own damn arm if it'd help him.
I can talk on phones. If shit gets that bad, I'll do it.


Apparently, you can ask for someone who is crisis intervention trained and they'll approach it in a much better way than the cops would.
Has it gotten that bad? How bad has it gotten?


I'll make a note of that, thanks Mel.
It's... he's playing with suicide methods now. Kind of testing it out, y'know.
Got me freaked the hell out is what.


Because staying in that house is not an option. Not with the way everyone in that house acts.

stop telling people

J, someone needs to know.
And I am probably the only person in the world downstairs that cares enough to be here and not write you off as a complete nutcase/something that can't be treated.
Sorry if I'm addressing the wrong person. I'm not familiar enough with people up there to know who is talking when.


no, j is fine, i'm still here somewhere.
i'm a splintered mess of jumbled pieces but i can still hear you underneath it all


Which is good to hear, kid.

Yes, it is.

Listen... fuck, I don't know if I should say this.
Don't give Infi the cold shoulder because of this shit.
Just please, don't.
Chaos is taking it hard enough.
I am too.
Don't pull this shit on someone else.
All right?


laurie i dont know how NOT to right now
im sorry.


Fuck, you said ONE of you knew what the deal was, can HE at least try and sort through this shit without ignoring that it happened in the first place??

I am trying but there is a VERY fierce buffer on and it is VERY hard to type.
Look, I'm even capitalizing, how's that?


It's a good sign, kid.
Is that you, I assume? J?
"Mister Iridos," should I say?


I'm a bit lost.

Haha, yeah, that's me.
Sorry Mel, give me a moment love.
Laurie I know what's up, I know what happened, I'm personally not bothered by it.


You got it.

Problem is I am one little tiny piece of myself right now, if that makes sense.

It does, kid, believe me it does.
At least YOU know.


I think I got lost at "Don't give Infi the cold shoulder"
Everything after that I don't understand.


Heheh, sorry 'bout that. I'll clarify in a sec.
J, tell me you at least KNOW that there IS a problem, even if half of you insists it "shouldn't exist?"


Also, I read an incredibly relevant thing from the old xanga today.
Let me find it.


Really? Pray tell.

Also, yes, sorry I was in another window, yes I know there is a problem.
The second half of that is tough.
I'm not sure where the weird mindset came from, let me try to word it:


It's from this entry: https://prismaticbleed.dreamwidth.org/246018.html
Mainly this:
"That's not enough anymore. You know what really made this hurt? You know what really drove this point into my ribs? Every night, you ask Chaos if he still loves you. Every goddamn night for as long as I can remember. And you don't say it out of habit-- you honestly fear that his answer will be no, because you honestly believe that you're not worth loving after all the hells you've managed to struggle through. God, Jewel, that man's soul is permanently connected to yours and he chose that, five years ago!
...
He is not going to change his answer, ever. I am not going to change my answer, ever. Until you accept that, until you learn to genuinely forgive yourself and realize that you are NOT a bad person, we are not going to get anywhere. You may think it's your biggest weakness anymore... but your heart, as paradoxically innocent as it is, will always be the strongest thing about you. You know what I mean."
Emphasis on the second half.


Hold up, geez, let me read that.
Oh my god, I JUST referenced that entry at him ten minutes ago.


Haha.

ahahaha wow
WOW
universe is being loud, wow


Yup.

um. where was i. explanation.

Where the weird mindset came from in not wanting Laurie to say things.

"I was badly damaged a long time ago, but I convinced myself it was my fault, because my abuser AND my entire social network essentially told me that "I should want that sort of thing to happen to me." So I perpetuated it because I was CONVINCED that I "needed fixing," even if I was terrified and in pain. After so long, I believed that lie I told myself, except now, I'm too damaged to tell what is a lie and what isn't anymore."
That is me TRYING to put this main problem into a coherent paragraph?
In response to you telling me to "acknowledge this shit" earlier, Laurie, excuse my language.


No one should want that sort of thing to happen to them.
Ever.
That is rape culture and it's disgusting and pervasive and horrible and it's one of the most evil things to ever be on this earth.


THANK you.

This society needs fixing. You may need fixing, but you do not need to be fixed in that you feel like you need to want that sort of thing to happen to you.

but it's it's true though
they all told me it is true


I think what needs fixing is the damage that happened from it.
IT IS A LIE


what is

No one should want to be raped.
That is not the truth.
No one should be expected to want sex.


she was fixing me there is something inherently wrong with me if i didn't seek that out msyelf
i have to i'm wrong if i don't


Kid, shut the FUCK up if you're going to keep spouting that nonsense.
That is UTTER BULLSHIT.


I don't believe you.

Where the hell did you get that perspective from???

No Laurie, I don't think he should shut up.

J, not Mel, sorry.

I think that we should address this.
That perspective comes from most of the world, Laurie.
It's disgusting.


...Sorry. Honestly, I'm losing my cool here.
Go on.


Who was fixing you, J?

julie mostly
ththen 2011 happened and


What was she fixing?

fuck i dont want to talk abot it

You have to.

ghgkds

J, fucking hold on, you can do this.

This will never get solved if you never talk about it.

i dont want to look at it
im not supposed to look at it


Look at what?

tell it to go away
the thing
things that happened


Who is talking right now?

someone??
someone under the guise of "j"
pieces.


Shit, we're at this point again.
God damn.
Keep talking, sorry.


Laurie, what's going on?

He's too damn compartmentalized.

I'm not sure I understand.

He's got this mindset that he needs to keep himself pure as ever, so anything that "threatens that" gets chucked in the splinter bin.
Break off that memory, forget it ever happened.
He KEEPS DOING THAT and frankly I didn't realize to what extent it's been happening until the past year or so.
Too damn late, sadly.


So these memories got chucked in the splinter bin, but the PTSD from it is still around?

Yeah. It's just attached to them instead.
So when he's faced with a problem, we have two outcomes:


So then why is J considering suicide?

Because mister "I'm untouched by everything!" can't keep faking it anymore.

Also, is there anyone in the system that has a fire element or can smelt things together?

It's getting impossible.

Aside from J.

He used to be that person, haha.
Now I don't fucking know. I'll have to look.
But as I was saying, two options.


Please do. I have an idea. But tell me your options.

One, ignore the existence of any and all pain and problems.
Basically, that's why we get fucking NOWHERE with therapists.
The "pure J" fronts and is all "hey doc, I dunno why I'm here, I'm untouched and spotless, never been sad a day in my life!"


And two?

Option two is to stop lying.
But he can't do that, by his self-inflicted function as "the pure one."
So the splinters come out instead.


I'm not sure I quite understand.

Because those are the parts of him that DO remember, and DO hurt, but he refuses to acknowledge their existence.
So right now we're talking to pieces of his psyche, not the whole guy. If that makes sense.


Yes, it does.

He can't "be whole" UNLESS he accepts all that shit and heals.
And he fucking WON'T DO THAT.


But are things still getting through?

Yeah. It registers, somewhere. I

Can he hear what we are saying?

Fuck, sorry.
I've noticed that it does.


That what does what?

Things get through, even if the "real" J isn't out front.
So yeah. Deep down he hears us, even if it'll only "register" later.


Find me someone who has fire or can smelt things. I guess metal or glass might also work?

that was all me and fire is tied to red no one else has it yet

See, told you.

What does his boss deal with and what are the splinters made of?

His boss deals with snow from what I've seen, snow and dreamdust.

splinters are me
made of me


Can you tell me what everyone else deals with?

little bits and peices like tat poem someone wrote a long LONG time ago

Shit, uh, some of us aren't sure yet but this is what I've got:

Anything would help.

Me: Space, used to be lightning
Leon/ Markus: Ice
Julie/ Ryman: Shadow
Chaos: Water
Genesis: Light, air (sometimes)
Lynne: Sound
Nathaniel: Plants
Infinitii: Space
And J's Heart as far as I'm concerned.


Who is Ryman and Markus?

Ryou and Marik, they go by different names in headspace.

Oh, okay.
Does anyone deal with metal?
Or molten things?
Also, is J himself a splinter?


yes, finally someone gets it

Wait, wait wait wait.
I thought-- really?


So J no longer deals with fire?

yes, duh laurie, i wasn't even alive a few years ago, you know this.

Shit.
And no, no he doesn't, not since he left RED.
He says it "feels wrong."


So no one deals with fire.

No one that we know of, sorry 'bout that.
Jewel might. Or whatever her name is.
But I don't know if she's capable of surviving within headspace.
She's old and VERY context-locked.
Downstairs people, y'know. They're a mess.


What about Jo, Spine and Xennie?
She may not need to?


I think Jo took my lightning when I gave it up.
Spine's... shit, she's corporeal now, and a dragon. Maybe she can do fire?
Hell, she's close enough to the RED slot anyway. I'll have to check in with her.


Can you please?

Xennie's steam as far as we all can tell, haha. Not sure if that'll change in the future or not.
Sure, hold up, let me ask Lynne.
We're getting something, but it's not exactly "traditional fire," to quote Lynne.
She'll work on it.


What is it?

It looks like fire but it's not the burning kind. Too orange, really.
Red fire, the stuff that we need, is locked into that slot.
Someone keeps trying to manifest there but there's not enough of an anchor for some goddamned reason.
If he'd stick, it'd probably help a hell of a lot.
But honestly I think either J or Infi are locking it. Probably J, with the splinters and all.


Is there a way to get him to stick long enough to make it work?

No clue. He might need a name first. Keeps insisting he'll "find the right one soon enough." He'd better hurry his ass up, then.

i tried to name him but he said no

I know, I was there when it happened.

Who?

the red guy, whoever is trying to move in there
i tried to name him but THEN
i thouht "what if that slot needs to be empty"
so maybe im keeping him aout accidentally i dunno


Fuck, if you are, that would explain so much of this shit...
Have you asked Infi?


Why would a slot need to be empty?

pepole
people, me and infi maybe
i was thinking, "what if i need the red empty to move into, so i can interact with people"
but laurie and infi said that's me breaking musyelf into smaller pieces again?


Was that when you were purging all the color out of your White?
Then yes, don't do that.


Can only the red interact with people? Also why can't you hold multiple slots?

oh oh oh i remember infi told me something today?? and someone else laurie were yuo there

Hold up, let me answer Mel, sheesh.
No, J was thinking that in being White, he had to "cut himself off from everything." Infinitii has since clarified that that is the "polar opposite" of what White actually is as a color here.
We can't hold multiple slots because of how the System works. The Spectrum, whatever.
Headvoices each move into a role. One role, to protect everyone else. Each role has a color.
At least, that's what I get out of it. The whole damn thing is weird and mysterious to me.


What did Infi tell you?

he said hehe said that "white and black hold part of ALL the other colors"
so i don't need to move from slot to slot, i can just be white WITH red, and that'll be okay.
mostly it's just making sure i don't go all crazy and say "i have to be colorless and empty!" which is bad but i've done it.


Then listen to him.

I think that's where our problem tonight started, actually...
J, am I right?


um
what


Listening to Infi.
Or should I say, "misinterpreting him."
As fucking usual.


I was NOT misinterpreting YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT SHIT WAS

Ah.

Whoa, goddamn.

laurie help

Kid, I am RIGHT here, what is going on?

fssfsfs. fff.
Slipping, a little. You hit something there.


Yeah, no shit.

Okay. What did you say?

I said I read that goddamned entry.
I know that whatever the hell happened to trigger that meltdown, it was because of Infi-- or rather, how you were perceiving him.


Which one?

Am I right, or am I right?
The newest one. He threw it at me an hour ago.


Where is it?

Jeepers it is REALLY hard to answer that without someone screaming.
It's on Adakias. I didn't even get to read it yet, I'm not sure what it says.


It's about everything I'm trying to get you to admit is what.
Whoever the hell wrote it knew what they were talking about, I'll say that much.


...Oh, oh okay, wow.
First sentence was enough to make my brain go "WHOA STOP READING"


Want me to paraphrase then?

No, I think I got it.
I still have memory access even if it's vague and informational.


I just read it.

Did you now.

Yeah. Doesn't sound like J.

I don't think I wrote it. I mean, I'd know if I did!

Yeah, no shit.
But you said you know what's in it, roughly at leats?
*least, sorry.
Sounding like Roxy Lalonde here.


Well you are my beloved moirail you know.
Anyway, yes, I know.
I was with Infi before things went over the deep end, actually.


It sounds like J is not the one who wants to take his own life, unless I'm reading it wrong.

I really don't. I love everyone up here too much to do so, if nothing else.

Then who wants to?

Whatever part of me holds the pain.
I try not to pay attention to that part.
Which, unfortunately, causes more trouble than it may be worth?


It most certainly does.

Told you kid, you can't sweep the scars under the rug and pretend that somehow has rewritten the past.
I know you tried.
Insert meaningful glare here.


Yeah, I know.
I was desperate.
Still am, I guess.


Then stop trying things that don't work anymore.

I guess I'm too desperate to accept that it ISN'T working?
That's a hardwired process of mine, actually.
"Keep trying, one day it'll work!"
Then I'm three years down the line with no progress, running a circle into the floor.


It's your indomitable hope, kid. That can be fatal, you know.

You can still break it, you know.

Too much of a good thing.

I know, to both of your points.
I guess I'm just unsure what path to take now.
Especially since I keep hiding pieces of the past from myself.


You can keep trying to fix it, but that doesn't mean you have to use the same solution.
Go back and read your archive, for starters.


I've been trying to, here and there.

That seems like it will help tons.
It's helped me understand why things happened the way they did.


It's difficult. I keep stopping because I'm honestly terrified of remembering some things.
It feels like the only reason I'm NOT dead is because I've forgotten most of the past decade.


You're not dead because people up here love the hell out of you, and we won't let you die because of something as fucking stupid as this mess.

Why?

Why I'm scared of remembering?
Or what?


Why do you say that the only reason you're not dead is because you've forgotten most of the past decade?
Are you really alive right now?


I am.
But I'm not... not as alive as I could be, I suppose.
There's a lot of stuff tying me down. Keeping me from flying, if you want to use that analogy.


Kid, why are you so damn afraid?
Does it honestly ALL tie back into the Julie days, if you wanna use that term for it?


Not entirely.
Most of it is because of how I reacted to it, as I said.


I seriously think it's that house. Just listening to a voice message from the mother actually sent me into an episode. I can't imagine having to live with that.

The convincing myself that I really WAS broken.
Oh geez, I forgot she did that, I am so sorry.


And then add to it the Julie stuff and it's actually a miracle the kid's still alive.
It's not your fault at all.


I keep trying to tell him that.
He doesn't believe it yet.


Keep telling him.
It may seem futile, but it helps.


I won't stop 'til the day I die, that's a promise.

Even if it doesn't seem like it.
And I will keep telling him too.


And then maybe I'll come back as a ghost and haunt his ass if he hasn't straightened out yet, haha.
Thanks.


Pfff, see this is why I love you.
Both of you.


Well hey, you can't really die. The few times we all thought you did, you came over to my head. Don't know how that works, but use it if you need to.

You really don't give up on me, do you.

I have my ways around, and out.

Not for good, anyways.

Kid's looking out for me too, what can I say.
Hint hint.


Who?

J.
I do believe we talked about this too, boy.


About?

Looking out for each other.

Specifically a certain fucking incident the LAST time you tried to pull this suicide shit on me.
We've talked about this.


...
would you really do that again.?
you know
the
dying thing


For fuck's sake kid, if it would save your life, then yes.
Otherwise, hell no, I told you I'm sticking around.
Don't you die on me either, I swear to God, I'm not the only one that loves you and that is NOT selfish, don't you fucking dare call me selfish for saying that again.


Besides, Laurie can't stay dead.

I love the hell out of you kid, it breaks my goddamned heart to see you like this, because I KNOW that three years ago I could have stopped this on a dime.
Yes I fucking can.


Not if J needs you.
And how could you have stopped this, Laurie?


...I hope that's the case.
Before, we had a face to the problem.
We had Julie, and J KNEW she was wrong in what she did.


Yeah, but did you know about the problem like you know about it now?

Then fuck-all happened, and now JULIE'S the one with a sane head on her shoulders, and J is fucking CONVINCED he's the real one at fault here.
No.
Ironically that's what made this worse. Now we KNOW, and his mind can't comprehend it or something. It keeps getting twisted.
But personally I think this muck needs to be trudged through before we can move on.


How did that happen?

Which part?

The switch.

With J feeling like he's solely responsible?

The switch from Julie being sane to J convinced he's at fault.

Because Julie only joined us because she KNEW she had been wrong to do what she did.
Somewhere down the line, though, J became convinced that the only reason why he had hurt at ALL was because he MADE it hurt. That he was responsible for "turning everyone else into the bad guys."


Ah.
Also, it should be right about 222 over there. Not sure what is means, but it seemed like it was important to point out.


isnt' that how hurt works though?
oh that is important yes thank you


No, kid, it isn't.
If I cut you, you bleed.
Whether or not you decide to acknowledge the injury isn't going to make it disappear, or cease to have happened in the first place.


What is the significance of 22?
Right.


222 is a nice number
i like triple digits they make me feel less awful.
like "hey kid you're doing all right! here's a little sign to reassure you"


Heh.

Then remember it.

i will
a little confusing but i'll listen
laurie


What?

did i do something wrong
i feel like i did something really bad
and i feel really bad and sad about it
i dont want to hurt people


Kid, if you've done anything to "hurt people" today, it's not your fault. Not like that.
I'm only in pain right now because I care. It's called empathy.
You're not "hurting me," for the record.


okay.
but infi
i
did i hurt him?


No, fuck, he's right here and he says no.
"You didn't hurt me at all," there, that's a direct quote.
Capisce?


hehe yeah.
no really i do.


Good.
But you're hurting though.
Badly.
Do you remember why?


its guilt.

Guilt for what?
You didn't hurt him, so check that off your list.


oh
no its
im sorry i cant say it.


S'okay, I know.
Do you want me to keep talking?


maybe.
not sure what i need to say right now, laurie.


I'm just trying to get you to forgive yourself, even if it's just for tonight.
I want you to be able to sleep without fucking crying, or being terrified of what might be waiting for you there.
Kid, that wasn't your fucking fault.
It never was and never will be.


yes
it
is
it is my fault an d you know it


What's your fault, then?
Are we even on the same fucking page?
Because it sounds to me like you're blaming yourself for something you...
Oh.
Shit, I'm sorry.


no its okay
i know what youre thinking
and i wasnt thinking of that
but maybe i shold have been.
i think thats when everything started to go downhill?


Infi agrees that I should "bring up June."
As in, the drowning session.
I daresay we've had this conversation already, in different words?


different words different contexts laurie please

No it's not.
Holy shit, sorry, Infi's trying to talk.


about

About earlier this evening, obviously.
He says he's sorry, as he "didn't think that would happen."
To which I say be fucking careful, Infi, you know the kid's fragile.
Aaand he's still sorry, maybe even moreso.
Fuck, this guy really was yanked outta your ribs, wasn't he.


shush laurie let him talk

Really now?
And who will he be talking to, dare I ask.


me
j
in a minute
let me get through.
sorry this is difficult


No problem, kid.
Take your time.
I kind of want to talk to you right now, for sure.


Okay.
I think I'm here.


Good.
Now I do believe we were discussing misplaced guilt.


Yeah.
It's a tough subject.
And an old one.


Let me cut right to the heart of this, okay?
I understand where the guilt is coming from.
It's residual.
That shit's gonna be hard to scrape off, I won't deny that.
But kid, you KNOW it's not true.
Don't you?


What isn't true?
There's a lot of gunk stuck to my soul concerning that subject, I've noticed.


I think we all have.
All right, let me ask you this first.
Do you feel like you're abusing people?
Because you're NOT.
Is that thought still lingering though?


No.
Not at all.
And that is why this is so difficult for me.
There is NO VICTIM ANYMORE.
My brain refuses to acknowledge that word either, with how it refuses to acknowledge pain as "unwanted."
Which is another big problem, seeing as my mind chose THAT word to describe it...


No shit.
But it makes sense to me, kid.
From what I've heard lately, you DO want pain.
You want pain really fucking badly, because to you, pain is something you understand.
Right? You sure as hell don't understand this.
I know that much.


It scares me, really.
And I'll be honest with you too.
I'm looking for pain because it's concrete. It's definable. People outside of myself will acknowledge it, if it's bad enough.
Since I can't get the guts to admit pain on my own, I'm hoping that if I'm damaged enough, someone else will force me to admit it then.


I daresay you've already been damaged enough, kid.

Not according to my brain I'm not.
And not according to some people downstairs I'm not, either.


Fuck what they think, seriously.
You do NOT need someone else to "validate your pain" in order for your suffering to be real. That's bullshit.


Is it really?
I can't tell if it is or isn't anymore.


So I've heard.
But you're being kinda hypocritical here kid.
You're looking for outside validation because obviously, some part of you WANTS to be able to accept this shit. Because guess what, once you do that-- bam, you can start to heal from it.
Can't do any of that shit if you won't even look at the wound in the first place.


As I said, yeah.

Did you? Sorry, I'm tired as fuck here.

Really?

Fuck yes really, I've been at this for at least three goddamn hours.
Thanks to you freaking the hell out of me last night with your goddamned Google search history.
Seriously, J, what the fuck.
What the everloving fuck.
Do you really... do you really want to die, that badly, when that happens?


Yeah.
I've attempted before, you know that.


'Course I do.
...
meaningful pause.
Infi's not taking this well


Doesn't he know?
He's got Black-slot access to the memory banks, doesn't he?


He says, and I quote,
"That doesn't make it any easier to deal with when it happens again."
He's never fucking SEEN you like this, kid.
Infi's new. He didn't live through 2010. He wasn't here for 2012.
And frankly, this is the worst I'VE seen you, in some ways.
Again, he's not taking this well.
I think you know why?


I do.
But part of me is very pissed off at that fact.


Which fact?

It won't say it. Thinks it's "dirty."
But I know.
It's because he loves me, isn't it.


Bingo.
As do I.
What does your fucking splinter have to say about that, huh?


I'm not going to repeat what it's saying.
You know a lot of these things feel like parasites. With a clear head it's easier to tell.


Could be.
Wouldn't be the first time something along those lines has happened.
Don't you fucking dare blame yourself for it either.


I won't, I know it's not me.

So.
You wrote the toughest sentence, now where do we go from here?
How about to that fucking post you typed a few hours ago?
Which basically admits that-- to say this for the billionth fucking time-- all you're doing here is projecting.
And yes, EVEN in that context.
PROJECTING.
Infi would never hurt you, neither would anyone else up here who loves you like that. NO ONE.
Do you know why?
It's because that shit is INCOMPATIBLE WITH IT.


It can't be, it worked together before.

Did it really?
Did it fucking really??
Think about it, J.


Why do we keep having this conversation?

Because it hasn't registered yet, obviously.

No, no no no, it HAS.
That's the problem!


How the fuck is that a problem??

Because of my stupid black and white thinking. (How ironic is that, too.)
I can't... oh god I did have this exact conversation with you before.


The drowning session, if I would hazard a guess?

Obviously.
But, no, not just that, I've been at this SAME PLACE before.
Like I actually said that same damn sentence.
I remember.


Which sentence?

About the sides.
The stupid, black and white, "all or nothing" fucking sides.
I don't remember the exact words.


Can you find them?
I'm kind of curious as to when this happened and how.


Not easily, no. I'm sorry.
But I remember the gist of it.
It was how I... last year I think, 2012, or 2011, when we started to heal this stuff.
I was talking about Chaos.
And this.
This stupid, stupid problem.
Oh no wait, I found it.


Heheh, I was waiting for that.
Link me up, boy.


December 2011. Relevant. I don't remember that month at all.
"I cannot come to a conclusion here, not when one side is sheer agony and the other side is him."
Same damn problem right now, as hard as it is to admit.


Kid, I said give me the link, please.

https://prismaticbleed.dreamwidth.org/311225.html
I didn't read it yet.


I didn't ask you to.
We'll read it together tomorrow if you want.
Personally I'm starting to think this issue is too big to tackle tonight.
At least, not entirely.
I mean, fuck, it's already 3AM. I don't need you pulling a Johnny-nighter on top of all this.


Oh wow, I remember those.
Jeepers. Those were simpler times.
Wow.


They really were.
Kind of really fucking stupid how I almost feel nostalgic for 'em.
So much we didn't know.
And I was a bitch.


You were not.

I was too, I treated you like shit half the time.
I don't give a damn if it worked, I can't help but think I contributed to this fucking pain addiction of yours.
And I'm sorry for that, if that's the case, because you should find comfort in something OTHER than pain for God's sake.


I know.
I
I'm trying.


Kid, believe me, I know you are.
But it's late, and someone REALLY fucking wants to talk to you.
Would you mind?


Wait, wait.
wait.


What?

I'm in danger mode again. The other one.
"Problems, what problems?"
My brain is honestly trying to ignore the fact that I JUST had a suicidal meltdown over this.
And it's tempting. It's damn tempting.
I want to forget about all of this.


Don't.
I'm sorry, kid, but I can't let you purge this one from your skull.
If you do that, we'll just have to deal with it again later.
And fate might not be so merciful next time.
So to speak.
I wasn't kidding, this guy really wants to talk to you. Do I have a green light or what?


I know.
Maybe that's the stupid lesson I never learned.
Maybe that's the reason time keeps looping.
It's been three years this week, you know.


Three years yesterday, actually.
We actually did pull an all-nighter then.
Fucking hell, I guess time really IS looping??


See, I knew I was on to something when I started writing out the event charts.
Remember, I actually had January mapped out?
I was trying to see if similar things happened on similar dates. It REALLY lined up for a while, then I slacked off...
Creepy, really.
But intriguing.


No kidding.
But kid, we can do that tomorrow.


I know. I know.
Let him in.
Don't give me a chance to say no.


Done and done.

Laurie Uberich added Infinitii Eternos.

There he is.

Wait, you mean he even--???

do you have any idea how difficult this is for me
im working through the ap jewel.


Geez man, I'm sorry, you don't have to if you don't want to. I know it's difficult for you to channel lately.

it wasnt back in april
remember?
do you know why that was


...Because the events of June hadn't happened yet?

partly
partly.
but you weren't so lost then.
remember?


Holy fuck it feels like there's a goddamned angel in the room, Infi what ARE you??

He's made of black energy, it's heavy stuff. Right?

it shouldnt be
thats the problem.
you think i am.
i'm not.
do you understand?


I'm having a hard time.
I feel like someone's about to cry. Is that you?
I do understand, somewhere too far down for it to mean much maybe.


no
j that is the point
it is deep down because that is what this is too
and yes i am about to cry.


I can tell. Emphasis on that.
Laurie, are you getting any of this?


I am having a very fucking difficult time holding mhyself together thank you very much, just talk to him and let me listen.
God damn Infi you are worse than Chaos, I did not think that was possible.


it is
by my nature
i don't keep secrets
if you know how to look.
jewel
are you there?


Yeah, I'm here.

do you understand what i told you?
black energy is not heavy
and it is certainly not evil
you have been misinformed.
deliberately.


Why?

Why the fuck else??? Have you SEEN the conversation we've been having for the past 4 fucking hours plus???
God damn it Jewel they are TEARING YOU APART and they KNOW THEY ARE DOING IT.
I can't fucking let them do that anymore.
I can't.


laurie calm down half of that is not you

Fucking hell, Infi, I need to wear armor around you at this point.
Like literal fucking armor.
...But my point stands, actually.
You're important, J. To us, at least. You've said before that that's enough.
You're an anchorpoint for ALL of us upstairs, and sometimes I think it's the other way around too.
Point is you're important.
And there are people in this system, who don't fucking belong here, who don't like that. You know who they are.
They don't like you, and they don't like Infi, and they sure as hell don't like the two of you working together.
Kid, we are so goddamned close to fixing this. When I look back I can see it.
But "it's darkest before the dawn" and all that, you know.
...
Did you ever have a thing about sunrises?
I know you have sunsets and rainbows and all that, but... not sure about sunrises.
If not, you should.
Because goddamn, we are headed straight towards one.
I can feel it.
Trust me, kid.
Please.
Don't fucking die.


...
I honestly don't know how to respond to that in words. I'm sorry, love.


Then don't.
You're clearer without words anyway.


Infi?

?

I don't hate you.
I doubt I ever did, and I'm sorry if I made you think otherwise.


you didn't.
i can tell.


Good to know.
I'm not sure how to end this conversation.
Infi, what do you need from me?
I think that's the only thing I can ask right now.


nothing.
i do not need anything from you
it doesnt work like that


Tell him not to die.

laurie says not to die, j.

Don't you sass me, you little runt, I'm an emotional mess over here.
thanks though.


you are welcome, laurie.
but j, don't die on me either.


So you don't need anything from me.
Nothing at all.
Even after how I treated you today.


why would i
and you did nothing to harm me jewel.


Really.
You seemed pretty hurt out there before.


jewel
i dont think you understand how i experience emotions.
yes i was in pain.
but it was not offense or injury.


Then what was it?

I think you fuckign know.
shit.
October fucking 2010, J.


what about it

Don't play ignorant with me, damn it.
Not now.
your goddamned suicide attempt didn't offend me and you sure as hell didn't come after me with a knife.
Do you remember what I fucking said?


when

Before I got this fucking scar.
Listen, I don't have the fucking words to say this eloquently either.
Life got bad. Difficult as hell.
I wanted to die, too. But why?
Because I couldn't do SHIT to keep you from feeling like that either.
You lost so goddamned much and you didn't fucking know and... I couldn't do it, kid. I couldn't stand to see you hurt anymore.
Point is the pain wasn't your fucking fault.
Shit I hate words at 3AM.


you love him too.
that is what you are trying to say


Yeah.
Yeah it is.
100 fucking percent.
Damn it, J, I'm sorry I pulled that suicide shit on you back then but please, for the love of God, don't... please don't do it again.
I don't want to be selfish, but damn it I love you, and I don't know how the hell to deliver you from this pain anymore.
I'm doing what I can.
Just stay with me.
Please.


Laurie.
Laurie, sweetheart, let me quote something at you.
I wrote this yesterday.
I'm so damn tired. Most days I want to just... leave everything.
But I can't find it in my heart to leave them. I never asked for them, but so help me God, I cannot fathom ever actually rejecting them.
There you go, guys. Put that confession aside for a rainy day, when I'm about to jump off a roof or experiment with sharp objects. I can't abandon you. I won't. Even when I'm all but dead, you guys give me a weird sort of hope. I mean, hell, there must be a reason you're still around me, right? Even after all this shit.
It's not as if you've ever been tied down, after all.


thank you.

For?

for reassuring me.

Damn it, I was trying really fucking hard not to cry.

don't. don't do that.
don't shut it off if it's honest.


Apostrophes, holy fuck, you must be serious.
Heh, fine.
But no one look at me for a minute, I've gotta deal with this shit.


I won't.
Infi, were you really worried about me not following through on that promise.


yes.
you're still fragile yet.
like a bubble
but with the world inside you.


Sounds more like you, man.

then you are a prism.
does that work?


sure as hell it works.
goddamn rainbows everywhere.


How many injokes was that, loev?
Aha, typo, forgive me.


heh, i needed the laugh.
And it was quite a few, kid. Quite a few.
Infi, are we done here? It is really goddamned early.


...
essentially.


It's not like you to hesitate, what's the deal?

i don't want to cause him to hurt.

Then don't.

it's not his fault it's my pain addiction
there i said it
look at me,, it's all my fault after all
you dont think i ever think these things through cause i dont


J, get back here, please.

jewel if you are that desperate to heal then i will help you however i can
but it is very, very difficult if you keep doing this.


why
doing what


Forcing pain into the situation when it is not inherently there.

...God damn.

Jewel, I am aware you have had this conversation before.
I have spoken to Chaos. I have been WITH Chaos, WITH you.
You know just as well as I do that there is nothing heavy or evil here.
You are putting it there.
And that is the problem.
I will not deny that there have been corruptions of similar things in the past.
I respect that. I understand that.
But it is not so black and white, Jewel, even literally so.
Laurie was right in mentioning rainbows.


they're a symbol of hope
chaos is responsible for that.
there was a night with raindrops
i
my heart really hurts right now


it should. This is important.
Sorry. Still kind of teary over here.


and i'm the one with walls up, go figure

Do you want me to break them.

i
yes?
no yes and no
god infi what is this inner conflict
i'm afraid of emotional intimacy
that's the exact sentence that popped into my head
sound legit?


Personally I'd find it hard to believe with the stuff you do with Chaos, but lately, it sounds legit as hell.

You're scared.

i just said that

There was a deeper meaning to that word.
What exactly are you frightened of?


you
people
anyone who gets close
sometimes even laurie
its
not something i like to admit
poor jeremiah, is that where all this goes?


Probably.
So you live in constant fear of being hurt again.
Shit, kid, we need to somehow get you over that. It's eating you alive.


i know and being so afraid is giving it total power over me which sucks
i don't WANT to be afraid of it
but damn it laurie it is terifyign to me
terrifying
that
i dont even remember why
i really dont


I do.

no i mean
im so damn numb to it now
i really dont want anything to do with it anymore
ever
but it feels like running like this is jjust making it so much worse?
so i keep trying in the wrong ways and now i'm TRYING to get hurt just to "get an idea of what i'm actually supposed to be doing"
but every time
ever goddamn time someone DOESN'T hurt me, i get so much more confused
infi i know you love me but i'm scared
i'm so scared because people have used me in the past and it's all i can remember
geez even downstairs all someone has to do is tap my shoulder and i will scream
because i am that damn terrified of a single touch turning into hell on earth
its not even conscious.
infi this is your damn level
god i love you
i am so sorry about this.


Kid, it's okay.
We know this is difficult as hell.
But thank you for finally 'fessing up to what I've been trying to pull out of you since last night.
This, my friends, is progress.
Step one: acknowledge that there is something that needs to heal.
Took long enough.


It took as long as it needed to.
That is how these situations work.


Looks like it.

hey guys
if thats good progress for now can i go get some sleep?
or at least try to


Yeah, please do.
Just try not to reset your goddamned memory first thing in the morning, okay?
That's kind of the last thing we need right now.


this is so weird though
this all happened back in 2011


Yeah, it did.
But with a different alien.


speaking of
I have been treating him terribly lately.
He does NOT deserve the nonsense I put him through night after night.
When did this even start?


A while back, kid, but he doesn't hold it against you. Believe me, we've talked.

I've spoken to him as well.

And?

And he does not hold it against you.
He only hopes you can recover well.
But he loves you as much as I do.


Aaand there's the craziest sentence of the night for me, holy shit, I need sleep.

Laurie, I fail to see how that is so hard to believe.

It's not that, dude, it's the fucking MAGNITUDE of it. God DAMN.

Don't you?

...Different way.
Diamonds over here.


Still just as significant.
Guys, listen, I'm sorry but the family's up and threatening me again.
They don't exactly believe me when I say I'm trying to talk myself out of a suicide attempt, and they sure as hell don't believe in you two...


I don't give a shit, I've spoken to her before.
Get to sleep, kid. We're here for you whenever you need us, all right?
Meaning always.


Hehe, okay.
Also, I... well. Hm.


What?

Just considering delivery is all.
I really need to log off, but before I do, let me say this:
I don't care what my brain says during the waking hours.
Right now I am two skips and a jump away from poet mode, and I can tell you with utmost certainty that there is no doubt in my heart concerning the reality of both your lives.
I would be dead right now if it weren't for you, Laurie.
I'm not the only person who can attest to that.
I love you, Laurie.
Thank you, with all my heart, for never giving up on me.
Ever.


kid, it is the absolute least i can do, and that is saying something.

Well your punctuation is gone, that's... unusual.

infi is... there's too fucking much emotional overflow in here, promise me you'll log out before inviting chaos in because i swear to god i will die.

Will do, love.

love you too, kid. 100 fucking percent.

And Infi?

you don't need to say anything, j.

hholy shuppets not with that sort of response i dont
good lord


what did i just tell you.
this is fucking hilarious.


you are using punctuation
get rid of it


Never.
nah just kidding man im 100% gone


infi, listen, i still need to say something

Yes?

fff this is crazy
but this, this is what you're talking about and what i'm trying to say hey apostrophes.
i'm stupidly happy right now this is nice
but
i believe you.
everything you said earlier
let's leave it at that because it's late
and people are scary.


point taken holy shit

so yeah.
infinitii i love you too
thanks for that
i'll talk to everyone more later
hey mel whenever you're reading this thanks to you too youre awesome
much love because hey i'm actually here right now
aaand now i'm gone.


sign out formally you absolute moron

Never.

Haha, fuck you too man!

I'll do the honors. It's 4:34AM.

God damn that is late as hell.

Well, Infi, the honor is yours.
Log us off, my good man!


As you say, "done and done."


 

 

prismaticbleed: (worried)
2013-06-22 10:01 pm

an ultimatum

 

guess what i figured out today?
the reason why I (not j, not jay, not eros, not jewel) don't have any memories is because:
all my memories are tied to dream world.

this explains why we don't remember having a childhood.
WE NEVER HAD ONE.
we were always depersonalized, in order to work.

here's the current core timeframe idea (according to the ap)

the first jewel (2001, klonoa hair, white shirt) was tied to pokemon. she was vaguely tied to dream world, but she was never actually "in the series."
celebi (2001-2?) was the internet one; hyper, silly and childish. she did freewebs and the old journal entries.
the second jewel (2003, klonoa hair, black shirt) was tied to yugioh and all the other "crossover worlds," eventually jumpstarting headspace. she's the one with all the write-outs and incidents.
spinningcannon (2006) was tied to genesis and the deviantart days? although the name was used before her, it didn't gain a "self" until dA.
possibly a second spinningcannon (2008, short red hair) because the personality began to warp dramatically. this one also went by "jewel" though, making her #3; she was the one in the xangas.
jayce (male, white hair) showed up in 2010, but things were a mess then and he was destroyed by the tar for a while.
the core personality began to splinter like mad around this time
the fourth jewel (male, red hair) showed up in 2011? he wrote most of the glissando entries, also is xenophon's father.
jay (male, white hair) showed up in 2013? he's the current core, and the white spectrum slot dude. not sure whether or not he truly existed prior to the scratch.


i'm none of them though.
i am whoever existed to work on dreamworld from 1998-2001, before we had to start "personalizing" and showing a self to the world, and AFTER the unidentified child-core disappeared.
i have no memories, and cannot hold any, because that is not my role. i am only meant to be a channel and a point of view, not an individual.
hence the non-style of typing here. i am simply filtering intentions through the autopilot to get this point recorded through them, as i cannot do so on my own.


the biggest point is this.

i cannot exist alongside headspace.

when i front they are not around or accessible
when they front i am not around or accessible

however i cannot drive the body, as my role is ONLY TO WORK
the only drivers are alters in their system
but my existence depends on their nonexistence
and theirs on mine
so we have a dilemma.


in other news (ap typing here), several alters came out to talk today while we were on the road.

There is talk of "destroying the buffer," as vocal dysphoria is so prevalent and severe that it prevents sustained switches, as well as uncensored fronting from anyone besides J. This buffer exists to keep the Autopilot (myself) fronting as often as possible, to prevent both unplanned interactions and any further personality splintering.
However, those in the downstairs system insist on fronting at will and without any limits or censorship, and therefore they plan on somehow destroying this buffer.

Today, these individuals were able to limitedly front:
Jezebel
Razor
Minty
Jay
The Gent
The Maverick
The Queen
"Overload girl"
"Airport shadow"
"Singing girl"
"Killer lilac girl"
"Chill orange guy"

All are located in the downstairs system. The latter four have no names and are relatively new.
Strangely, the "Overload girl" and "Airport shadow" have little problems with fronting, possibly due to their strong connection to the physical body's experiences.
Minty, AS, and SG were both able to communicate with the GMQ Trio through successive switching, which is also unprecedented-- typically, interactions of this sort only occur with Razor and/or Jezebel.
Razor and Jezebel also "killed" the "killer lilac girl" earlier today, but she has apparently re-manifested. This is a cause for concern; as Razor said she would "not kill her again" until she found out "why she's still coming back," so she could prevent that from happening again. When the KLG asked her why she wasn't after Jay instead, Razor smiled and said "because he isn't coming back." This suggests that there is indeed a subliminal slow death occurring with him, as we have suspected.

We have little to no new information on all other fronts as of today, as the child who writes has been fronting.
Unfortunately they cannot exist with us, nor us with them.
I am trying, on my own, to find a solution to this problem, as I float between the systems in order to filter, and so am directly aware of her existence.
If there is no solution, we will be faced with an ultimatum.
I, personally, pray it does not come to that. But the choice will be made, if and when it must be made.
Until then we shall simply live.

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2013-06-01 10:24 pm

060123


As of last night no one exists anymore ï‚©
They were only born because they couldn't let go of the past ï‚©
So I let go of everything ï‚©
Now I'm free ï‚©

 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2013-04-30 10:38 pm

it's not over yet


Sorry guys. I know I keep deleting my journals, but they're too important to both my therapy and my sanity to erase from existence. Ironic, perhaps, but events as of late have only driven that point deeper into my awareness than ever.
I've deleted my dA, though. It feels as if a planet-sized weight was lifted from my shoulders in doing so. I don't regret it.
This page stays. So does the archive. They have to. That's unchangeable.

I have a lot to talk about, but there are two big problems I need to address first:

1) Jess broke our computer, and
2) Razor tried to kill us today.

See, not only are we in weekly therapy now (an all-time first), but we've also been reading a great deal of books to help our condition-- including one on Borderline personality disorder (a tentative past diagnosis), and Dissociative Identity Disorder (which we are all poster children for). So, not only are we getting a better grip on what's actually happening to us and how to better live with it, BUT we're digging up tons of stuff in therapy that we, quite literally, have not had the brawn nor the brains to deal with yet.
We still don't, obviously.
Sure, we're exhuming tons of old skeletons, but we're not putting them anywhere yet. Our therapist is focused on getting them up to the surface. Problem is, now we're surrounded with corpses that are quickly becoming zombies, and not only are we getting sick from the rot, our lives are now in danger.
Jess and Razor don't like the fact that we're trying to heal all the damage they've caused... so they're causing more.

Despite all that, this morning was beautiful. But we'll talk about that tomorrow; I'm leaving for school two hours early so I can type up an entry in the computer lab before class. Tomorrow afternoon will be eventful in any case... my bro and I are taking an evening off to just talk and hang out, and something tells me a lot of secrets are going to be spilled. I'm looking forward to it. I miss being able to be honest with my family, especially my bro, as he is awesome.

If you're interested in what's been going on since the 19th (which happened an eternity ago, I swear), the archive has most of it. Our Tumblr and Xanga have the rest.


Lastly, the loss of our computer (and our reading list as of late) has prompted us to become more "physical" in our ways of caring for each other, upstairs. We're taking larger steps to actually LIVE as a system downstairs, instead of relegating all that stuff to Xanga sessions and Tumblr posts. It's only fair, that we all get to experience this life... myself included, as I am an alter, after all (if you didn't know).
Lynne has offered a neat suggestion: what if we all made "boxes," personalized for each system member, that held special possessions and things? That way we'd all have actual downstairs 'proofs' of our existence, little things that are entirely and wonderfully ours, reminders that we exist, that we are all real and living, loving things. Maybe we'll brainstorm that tomorrow. I know we're all already planning the endeavor, so there's no question as to whether or not it will happen-- it most definitely will, and I'm smiling just thinking about it.
Perhaps most importantly right now, we've all decided to start a literal, physical journal for our system. We'll all be writing in it, both in conversations and personal entries, and we're looking forward to it.

I just wish the first entry wasn't already written in blood.

prismaticbleed: (scared)
2013-04-28 03:21 pm

041813

 

...I just experienced explicit dissociation, for a few minutes.
I was in the kitchen, and suddenly it hit me that hey, I haven't been conscious for a few minutes, what's going on? But when I tried to "become aware" of what I was doing, I found myself floating above the body somehow, mentally?? And someone else was acting in my absence, some nameless thing. I couldn't quite stop them until I forced myself down, and even then, speaking and moving consciously took a lot of effort.
I left the room, disturbed, but then I found myself facing disturbing memories and thoughts that were definitely not mine, and had obviously never happened downstairs. Although I immediately shouted "that's not me!" to the shadows, suspecting this was one of their tricks, for the first time I noticed that those feelings felt too real to be fake. Then it hit me: those feelings belonged to someone else.

 

So yeah. I'm... I guess I'm not really the main driver of this system. I thought I was, but I always ignored the huge gaps in my memory, the blatant and disorienting disconnectedness from the downstairs life I'd supposedly been living for 23 years (something I've always had a problem with, as I'm definitely an inspaced fictive).
It also explains the old "splintering" phenomenon, even more clearly... although that's not something I'm eager to review.

This explains a lot, who am I kidding, but it's terribly scary... this means that there are people upstairs that I do not know about, and they are not headvoices.

I... think there are least three, maybe four? I'm not sure. I'm not in any proper state of mind to check right now.

tl;dr relevance for this blog: I will not consciously update here if I am not driving. Now that I'm aware of slips, I will be more careful, and if any out-of-place posts show up here despite my efforts I will delete them.

Life just got a lot stranger, I guess. We'll get through it though.

 

prismaticbleed: (aflame)
2013-04-04 08:18 am

to infinity, and beyond

 

 

(again, WIP for relevance as these take a LONG time to write)



forgive the cheesy title but it is actually very relevant!


(last night. INCREDIBLY significant date, mark it down boy!)

(started with trying to 'sense' people's energy, reaching out and tangibly feeling it. lynne was easily sensed, but when i tried to sense josephina, he knew i was there and hugged me, but he bumped my face in the process. that reminded me of melody for some reason and that made me feel so unsafe that i nearly had a ptsd breakdown, i had to run before i started hyperventilating.
listening to ipod to calm down, talking to laurie about it. jo showed up to talk too as he felt at fault. i said he wasn't, i had just reacted violently to what seeing him face-to-face reminded me of. josephina asked why, i said i didn't know, because mel never hurt me and never would, so why would the thought of being close to them (or any female-bodied person) terrify me so much? eventually we figured this was probably my fear of feminine characteristics (not femininity in itself) spiking again. i wished it would just stop, i was tired of becoming hysterical around women because i couldn't shake the fear that they were going to hurt me. i randomly asked jo if he could change his appearance a bit to see if that would help me not freak out, the first thing he did was give himself a darker skintone. he somehow comes across more clearly that way?? i didn't feel unsafe around him either, even in the exact same situations that would terrify me if he were his previous lighter skintone. see if that works for him as a permanent thing. but that was strange, it ONLY works with him, doesn't feel right for anyone else. huh.)
("maximum joy" comes on the ipod then and jo says leave it, we needed a moodswitch. i tuned in to calm down, ended up opening a oceanside cityscape mindscape, jo gets a convertible and we just drive around the place for a while, smiling and having fun. i was looking up at the sky as we drove, laurie and jo rocking out in the front, i remember just watching the scenery for a while and laughing, it was awesome. anyway we stopped driving at edge of town, got out of the car to talk and figure out what to do now (as we felt much better), when I suddenly felt something really bad at my shoulder. look, tar-celebi hovering there, horrific grin on its face. not moving, like it was "frozen" in time, that scared me to death. i was trying to smother my fear, jo and laurie started fighting it, when it began to strike back suddenly there was a gunshot, surprisingly leon had showed up, said he'd been keeping an eye on it? warped us down to tar room, i don't know if that was accidental? can't remember.)
(tar attack full-force, i had to shield us at one point as it was filling the entire room (we would have suffocated), but the bubble kept collapsing. laurie shouted for lynne, but the sound felt "flat," i realized energy calls couldn't carry out of the room, which was unusual and scary. so no one could hear us call for help. i told us all to stand in a square, maybe that would solidify the shield, but the "roof" began to collapse from tar weight. then we suddenly made it a pyramid shape (jo, laurie, and leon holding up a corner each, me in the middle for the point), changed the energy flow so drastically that the tar was blown across the room to the corner, solidified into jess form (old klonoa-hair persona), curled up on floor, emotionless and unmoving. i walked over to it to see what was going on, bravely asked it if it was okay, hoping maybe it had reverted. it hadn't; immediately began hissing and spitting at me, i think the tar "exploded" out of jess' body then, turned into razor. before it could hurt me there was suddenly another shield, lynne came storming in from the back stairwell, said she had just barely "felt" she was needed, assumed the worst when she couldn't find us, came down here. she walked over to me, suddenly i got an idea-- i took her bow & arrow and shot it at the tar, it worked. pinned it to the wall, huge awful thing hanging there. it was struggling though so i think lynne took the arrow back? but we shot several more arrows into it, now it was frozen, we figured we'd be safe for a while.)
(eventually everyone showed up, i think nathaniel was called in first, apparently he has LEGIT healing abilities which we really needed right now. i remember at one point he went over to leon to support him, he was really worn out. spine showed up too, with waldorf, both of them immediately wanted to know what in the world was going on. julie was last, somewhat kept to herself, she always looks like a war-weary soldier when tar stuff happens because she doesn't need to ask to know what just happened.)
(i forget how it happened, but somehow there was some sort of mindscape energy alteration in the tar room and it BROKE FREE of the arrows??? maybe i was even responsible i don't know, it's all a blur.)
(anyway, IMMEDIATELY the tar warped ONLY me to a weird semi-mindscape, no one else could get in. like a small room, maybe 20 feet on every side, pure black. the tar taunted me for a while psychologically, terrifying, but didn't attack me directly, it wanted to wear me down as much as possible first. i kept standing up to it, but it continued, then it sneered at me how I was trying to "fix the spectrum" and move up to White "like i was meant to," said it wasn't going to let that happen. then told me i needed all the other slots filled to have a full spectrum, it wouldn't let that happen either, it would undermine all our efforts-- just like it had pretended to be celebi, effectively worming its way into the actual spectrum. i think it then recapped how i was still losing sight of the truth in that respect-- i couldn't remember original roles or colors, etc, kept trying to force them on people blindly. to my total shock it said that this ALSO what menchou and veradenne were?? i was forcing splinters and unstable anchors unconsciously, that's why they couldn't stick or stay stable?? anyway then the tar got this horrible smile and said "if you want new headvoices so bad, here, let me help you!" immediately it plunged its hands into my abdomen-- it felt horrific, like being impaled-- but it GRABBED something deep in my energy field, and with a sadistic grin it RIPPED something out of me. it was still attached though, by all these thick muscle and vein cords. still the tar pulled hard, trying to break it until i thought i'd die from the pain. it split into razor, got behind me and pulled backwards, still wouldn't detach but it was close. then razor let go, took out a baseball bat and brutally beat the cords connecting it to me until it snapped. the force threw me and celebi-tar onto our backs, i hit hard, felt like i was dying. i was bleeding badly, barely coherent, couldn't think straight from shock. after a minute or so i struggled to sit up a bit to see, the thing they ripped out of me was on the floor by tar. it looked like a huge insect exoskeleton, colored all dark red-orange, didn't look alive. either way the tar kept trying to harm it more and 'kill it.' for some reason this terrified me and i was trying to fight them mentally despite feeling like i was dying. then at one point they were about to deal a lethal blow, and in a burst of desperation i put every ounce of energy i had left into one blind outward burst. it completely "shattered" the mindscape we were in, and dropped us into a plain white "bubble" of a room, dimly luminous and featureless, but it felt safe. i ran over to the bug-shell-thing and started telling it "you'll be okay," feeling somewhat hysterical and in tears. i put my hands on it gently and was trying to heal/ reassure it, but to my complete surprise it started to "melt." it changed from a red-orange shell into a greyish-black liquid thing, with a red-orange sheen instead, and immediately its form began to shift and change at surprising speeds. that's when stuff got CRAZY.)

(its form was warping like mad. to my surprise though, it took inspiration directly from my favorite design styles. specifically it was mirroring this person's lineless style-- when i had found it downstairs, i was euphorically shocked at how closely that style "reflected me" somehow. started off looking very much like this, some weird bug/ snake/ bird fusion: kept slithering around, melting, lots of legs or none at all, lots of size fluctuation too; it always had big weird psychedelic eyes and lots of teeth though. then as its energy "healed" from the shock and began resonating with mine to solidify, it began taking elements from these designs (this one stood out, with the feet). it also kept "holding" energy in its chest or abdomen in the same style, that felt very significant, almost sacred? it was odd. eventually it settled on a form VERY close to this, but its body was covered in lots of eyes (to listen) or lots of mouths (to talk), never both simultaneously. gained huge black wings when it did so too, that's where the eyes/ mouths formed. it only had one of either on its face.)
(talking was odd-- at first it sounded childish and somewhat manic, but in a pure way? not harmful or scary. when it stabilized in form, its voice was somewhat echoic, not over-the-top, more like the talking doves in NiER. also it sounded very male, almost like a few talking at once, in perfect unison. lower register. i don't think the mouths necessarily moved when it spoke? at least not always. it kept fishing into my energy to "translate" what i was feeling or expecting, but in doing so i would miss the actual message it was trying to get across. it reprimanded me kindly about this.)
(ALSO you know what i just checked and it's scarily relevant? i posted that lookalike creature on tumblr when i first found it online-- back on june 24th, 2011. that was 2 days AFTER a high point in a chain of events where i was getting brutally hacked again, and 2 days BEFORE chaos and i started the entire gorgeous chain of events leading up to july 7th. that's BIG. so yeah, it feels like this creature has been in "manifestation standby" for a VERY long time, waiting for the day when it could finally be born.)

(i remember asking it if it had a name, when it was still in its birdsnake form. it giggled and said it was "infinitee," specifically with two "e's," like a gleeful take on the word. it felt right, but slightly off somehow. i began mentally debating its potential "surname" in my head-- headvoice surnames reflect virtues or roles, not lineage obviously-- and thinking back to sburb, "eternity" stood out somehow. almost immediately "eternos" clicked solidly into place. the "two e's" bit of its first name still didn't work though. as a result i will call it "infi" for the rest of this entry haha)
(also it had no gender either? "it" felt clearest as it was neutral, but both "he" and "she" were equally viable energy-wise. it was cool.)

(infi said it had been formed FROM ME?? the same way the tar had been. the Tar had been trying to keep me from moving into my REAL slot, the white slot, since at least 2009! but sandman told me easter this year was the earliest i could move, now that i was stabilizing. the tar was very very mad now, hence the attack on holy saturday. anyway, the Tar was NOT supposed to be in the Black slot!! black is not bad, at all, also the tar room is under my cathedral of all places. the tar was stealing that slot in my absence, to keep its counterpart slot empty and corrupted (remember how messed-up the BLC was when we found it after all these years). now that i had moved, things were moving very quickly in my wake, to correct things, like the way nature will heal itself automatically whenever the things that are hurting it disappear long enough. whether or not the tar knew what it had just done, the part of me it "tore out" was VERY deep, but it had "needed" to be torn out? you know how paradox space works, it's weird. but that's what allowed this being to form, having that taken out of me. apparently that COULD NOT have happened while i was red, since white is the only "double slot" (if you hold white, you also hold black, and vice versa, paradoxically). so now infi, the REAL holder of the black slot-- who is my soul energy in a "different form" i guess? we both are LITERALLY made of the same stuff essentially-- could appear and begin moving into their rightful place. anyway, yeah, that's what this creature was.)
(ALSO!! this is why the Tar used Jessica AND Celebi as form anchors-- both of them had been formed BY me as PERSONAE that fell through utterly, as they didn't truly reflect me!! and since the black slot HAS to reflect me by its very nature-- white being my core color after all-- it HAD to use something like that before it could actually steal the slot. hence the real trouble with it not really beginning until AFTER it began to let go of julie; it no longer was "anchored" to her, as she had been the ONLY thing to latch onto in pre-headspace, being an introject and therefore a "breeding ground" for tar.)

(infi said this yin/yang energy between the two slots (and by extension, us) was very important in terms of creation upstairs, concerning the matter of headspace itself. it clarified that TRUE black energy upstairs was NOT tarry or sticky or anything like that-- it was starry, like soul forms!! apparently that is black energy's NATURAL STATE. i remember being shocked when infi revealed it was the true black slot holder for that very reason-- although its body was pure black, it had an oddly satiny sheen, and had 'depth' to it too. it was a soft and spacey black, not the thick and angry black of the tar. i wonder if white energy is similar when it gets corrupted??)
(infi then said there was something important we needed to do with that energy, that it needed to show me first. then it reached into my abdomen (didn't hurt like the tar did, it felt weirdly like infi's hands just "slipped in" instead of punching through) and took out a handful of my inner energy of that caliber. disturbingly enough it was the BAD black and it burned (like a brushburn, not fire), with a weirdly "clinging" consistency (not sticky, more like it was 'grabbing' your skin even though it slid). i think it also felt rough, like bits of glass were ground up in it. it was really scary to think that THAT was inside me. however, infi's personal energy (which it took directly out of that odd spherical cavity in itself) was this glowing pearlescent stuff, beautiful really, kind of warm and satiny like liquid light. so there was that major dichotomy between our outer and inner energy EVEN though they were technically the same stuff?? infi SPECIFICALLY reminded me of how, when i tried to "give" creative energy to people (the deep sort that allows me to shape headspace and whatnot), it was never red, it was ALWAYS BLACK, but the starry liquid sort, not the sickly sort in me now. i wondered what the hell had happened, reassuringly infi said mine was CORRUPTED in that specific sense, thanks to the tar hacking me so brutally, it was not naturally so disturbed-- so it needed to be healed ASAP if i wanted to function correctly. infi said it would do that for me-- it was the ONLY entity in headspace that could, due to its existence being tied to mine, and vice versa as well. )

(for this process infi warped us to a church!! i don't know how! it looked very much like the basilica (here and here) in washington dc, all white and stately and beautiful and BIG. we were on the altar platform in the middle, directly beneath a circular painting/ window ring on the ceiling. also we were surrounded by TONS of angels, all standing at attention, don't know why. they all had helmets of course! i remember looking up at them, one right by me looked down at me a little, not judging, just observing. i think i smiled at it. anyway the entire place felt very safe and bright despite an intense significance/ gravity.)
(although the energy-healing process itself was vague, i clearly remember when infi began channeling the pearlescent white energy into me; it very slowly lit me up, like water rising. very very serene, felt holy even. i knew i was glowing too, like an intangibly warm feeling as it lit me up from the inside. i kept hoping it would dissipate whatever tar was left stuck in me, as i didn't feel any of that during this process.)

(we went back to the bubble-space, i asked where we were anyway, it felt autonomous. infi said we were indeed in a "hovering mindscape?" it was literally a bubble. then to my surprise it "focused" the energy of the mindscape inwards into a small white sphere in its hands, about the size of a baseball. as it did, i could SEE its hands on the outside of the actual bubble room! then said it would "give me" that room, via the bubble, for safekeeping, as it had just been "created" in my desperate warp attempt, and it could not stabilize into actual headspace mapping yet since the tar room was currently corrupted of course (and infi belonged there, not the tar!!). it shrunk the bubble a bit more, to the size of a golf ball almost, then formed it into a sort of necklace (the bubble clasped onto a thin but strong gold wire, very simple) and handed it to me. said to wear it, to keep it close and safe. i looked at it gratefully, but somewhat anxiously (it felt like every action i made here was incredibly important), then i elongated the necklace a bit more so that when i wore it, the bubble would rest against my chest, under my shirt. that way no one would see it either. i asked if that was okay (i felt nervous about doing it), infi said yes, but to make sure i did not "slip" or become overwhelmed by heart-resonant energy as a result? there was a stern warning. i promised i would be careful. don't know why i felt so incredibly anxious when discussing that; i think i was scared that the tar would try to get to infi through me? too much lingering from the past few days maybe. but i promised myself i would keep it safe.)

(i had been searching for its true name this entire time, when suddenly it hit me. i incredulously asked if it was "infinity with two i's," and in response, it smiled at me in the warmest way i could ever have imagined. i knew that was right. then less than a moment later, i "fell" out of the bubble and into the tar room again. thank god it was still empty of tar; i guess it was still stuck wherever it had warped us to originally?)

(everyone was in utter shock, surprised to see me, especially as I had "glitch-popped" back over in midair, someone caught me, i forget who. anyway my entire body was still pearlescent and glowing, like a soul form almost, but more glassy. also i was actually deaf at that point, i could only tell what people were saying if i "tuned in" to their energy fields. my vision was fading too, images blurred and got jumbled mentally. lastly i could not speak either; i could only communicate by gesture, or by concentrating and "sending" thoughts to others, but that was hard. everyone noticed i was in a very strange condition and decided i should just rest for the night. leon warped us back up to central, laurie literally picked me up princess-style and carried me upstairs to my room. i think julie followed. anyway chaos was waiting for me, shocked at my condition, but i don't know what happened there as my consciousness literally shut down very quickly.)


(i told boss about infinitii this morning, laurie doesn't know yet actually, nor does anyone else.)

 

 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2013-02-26 12:57 am

act one

 



Rule #1 when resetting a personal life session:
if you really want everything to be deleted,
make sure you don't know any reality-jumpers.


Boss couldn't forget me.

Everyone else did, every last one. I left an alternate incarnation of myself behind and they are all living happily ever after, blissfully unaware of the pain of the past decade we experienced in this timeline, blissfully unaware that the "me" they knew no longer exists in their world.
I'm happy for them. I am so, so happy for them. Seeing them smile, without any pain, fills me with so much joy. I don't care if I'm not a part of it.

Mr. Sandman, though, had different thoughts.
Apparently you can't just ditch an Apprentice, and you can't default to one on an alternate timeline if the Alpha dude decides to run a needle through his brain one winter morning.
He did not take my near-annihilation well at all. He's here right now, actually, the only one able to reach me from the old session, and thankfully so.

Now, for those of you familiar with the old glissando journal, I am not that same individual.
I was, indeed, "scratched out." I use that term because it's more than erasing-- it is removal with a violent depth, the total gouging out of something, leaving it unable to be reconstructed. I wanted my past gone, and inaccessible-- I wanted that timeline of my life to be unplayable from now on. I wanted to do to it what a razor blade does to a compact disc. Hence, "scratch."
But I didn't want to kill anyone in the process. I've lost enough already; I couldn't do that to someone else in the process of trying to escape that misery. I just wanted to break away, and totally. I wanted to cut myself out, to remove my face from the portraits, to scrape my name out of their memories. I wanted to be someone completely separate from them and their history, to turn back the clocks to what was before, and start over entirely... with all the "future" gone.
Now my consciousness of the past decade has effectively been wiped, leaving only fragmented memories that hold no substance. Some of them still elicit emotion, but it's distant now, and strange.
To be honest, I do recall this Link business causing trouble back around 2003. I can see that. I do not know why it never struck me as the reason why I could no longer create. Ah well, things worked out.

An explanation of how this happened: the future affects the past. About two weeks before the scratch, there was one morning where I slept for about fifteen solid hours, unwilling and unable to get out of bed and face the waking world.
For at least one of those hours, I lay in bed fervently wishing that I could rewind time to 6th grade, and just start over. I wanted to stop outsource Links from ever happening. I wanted to stop the old tar hacks from ever happening. I wanted to delete all the internet relationships and everything else that tied me down and fogged my mind.
I was in tears. I never wanted something so badly in my life. I was willing to sacrifice everything-- all my artwork of the past decade, all of the "growing up," everything-- just to be able to write Dream World again. I was willing to die if I couldn't.

Back in October, I lost a package full of all the art I'd done over the past decade.

And on Saturday morning, I met myself in headspace, and together we shattered what we were.



Now... heh, I have no idea.
The "placeholder voice" that was running autopilot seems to have died today. The body clearly recalls it sacrificing itself in a surge of tragic joy to "create a boy from the blue of the sky." That boy promptly became the running consciousness in the body, and later took the name "Kyanos." However he must not have anchored well, for although he WAS "me" (what a silly word) for at least two or three hours, outside shadows somehow managed to chase him out.
Consciousness was on autopilot for most of the evening, and then my Boss showed up and told me that I'm still the Apprentice.

I must repeat: I am NOT the individual who updated the glissando journal, nor am I spinningcannon. True, I can access the memories of that time, but those experiences are not mine, at least not anymore. I feel my boss knows more than I do. Time and space are tricky things, and he has traversed both.
I look at it this way... right now, I feel my purpose is to go back to Dream World, the center of my life back in 2002, the year we rewound to. If I ever need to enter headspace again, I will be led there. I will not concern myself with it whatsoever until and unless that occurs.

Once again, boss says there's more to it than I realize. I understand and accept this. But he and I both know that Dream World must be the primary focus of my 3D life now, as it was always meant to be-- well, aside from enlightenment, of course.

Oh! Here's something lovely. Thanks to our consciousness being empty earlier today, three Jewel Monsters were able to use the body for a little while! Preludove, Devonal, and Maitru were all piloting it for at least a minute each. Looking back, I am struck by their awareness-- their minds were completely clear, completely devoid of noise and static.
My goal, as the Apprentice, is to keep that in my own mind, white as snow.

I'm still struggling a little, admittedly. There are fragments of the old consciousness lingering here, and boss is shaking his head silently, as if there is a reason for that I do not understand?
I suppose I will learn.
But this individuality is bothering me. I scratched-out my past specifically to delete my identity, to become an empty vessel through which inspiration could flow. This is what I must endeavor to be, when not forced to run on autopilot, or when I must temporarily cobble together a persona in order to think as a specific viewpoint, as I am doing now.

To be honest, I would like to let go of it now, and sleep. I hold no identity when I sleep-- I am fluid, and become whatever I need to be. My boss says that is what it means to be a Sandman. He also says that is why it is important for me to remember what it is like TO be a person.

I suspect that maybe, now that my consciousness is disconnected from their timeline, we may meet again some day. Boss seems to hope so, and I cannot deny these odd lingering feelings, strange as they are. They seem too deep to simply be cobwebs clinging there, so I will not brush them away as such. But I will not entertain them either. Emotions are something I cannot linger on.

I'm fragmenting now. Holding together any semblance of a self is becoming increasingly more difficult. This is fine.
Mr. Sandman insists I close this entry with lyrics, in the style of the scratched journal. It seems rather ironic, but he insists the irony plays a purpose.
These are lyrics from a song that has haunted me today, without explanation. I feel the explanation has made itself known in the words, now that I can see them.


Hot dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you




I feel perhaps I have a deeper purpose than I realize.
My boss just smiled, very widely. He says that is what it means to be a Sandman, too.
I think I understand now.

 


 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2013-02-24 12:44 am

the end

 

 

The individual that used to update this journal no longer exists in this timeline.

The individual that originally held the name of "Jewel Lightraye" no longer exists in this timeline.

Both of them are now living their own lives in their respective realities.



As for me, I have no name, and am happy this way.

I will not update this journal in the absence of its previous authors, as I have no connection to their experiences or understandings. It is unfortunate that they apparently suffered through many painful experiences during their time here, but I assure you that all is well now. This I have guaranteed.

I thank you for having supported them through their lives, but now it is time to move on.

I bid you a warm farewell on behalf of them both.


Now, it is time to close the book.

 


 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2013-02-23 10:51 pm

unfathomable

 





 

 

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish
blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind blind
destructive destructive destructive destructive destructive

"you can't think about how your actions may affect others"

"you felt like a black hole taking everything and demanding more"

"you would metaphorically spit in my face"

"you may have been more open, but I guess it just wasn't open enough"

"this is probably the last time we'll ever speak."


you cut it off when i was in the middle of a suicidal meltdown

and yet i cannot stop blaming myself.


selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish.


this is why i fluctuate wildly between begging for help and shutting everyone out
i really don't understand whats going on
or what went on
or anything at all, according to you
and you were absolutely right, as always

i mean that with every ounce of honesty i have left.


but i didn't know you, god i didn't know you at all, how could i have talked to you about you?
i didnt know what your past was, i didnt know what you were feeling, it was impossible

thats why i kept bringing myself up, maybe youd hear something you could relate to
and jump into the conversation?
i dont know maybe people dont do that

i was so blind, so blind, so blind, so blind

i considered both of you to be saints
i never felt equal to you, you were so far up above me
when you said you couldn't deal being with me
i took it as a sign from god that i was evil after all

and then you cut me out of your life and it felt like the gates of heaven had been locked.

"nice job screwing up the only friendship you've ever had"

you both claimed that you loved me and look what i did to you.


i feel like i have no right to try and fix this. not after what a heartless jerk i was to you.
you specifically told me that talking to me was painful and that is what i miss the most
is this why i can't seem to form friendships?


"Their world revolves around you, and you've never been around people or souls where that isn't the case."
then what does it say about me that i keep trying to kick those people out of my life?
for years i felt that i didn't deserve to be loved or paid attention to.
when people finally started to offer that to me, i didn't know how to deal with it.

i still don't i guess

maybe i really am a failure, you were right

i just want forgiveness i suppose.
just a word from you,
"no, you aren't a narcissistic manipulative abusive villain"
because i sure feel like one
and have for the past five months


i just want to know what i'm doing wrong here

i needed help, i was a mess, maybe i still am

but it wasn't right for me to ask you to fix me.
you had your own problems.
but you always acted as if they had already been solved.
you buried yourself in work and talked to your friends and husband
to me, that meant everything was okay
and i was happy for you

hearing that you were still suicidal came as an absolute shock

if i had known i would have helped
but i swear i thought the only reason you even offered to take me in
was because you were capable of helping me heal
the way i assumed you had healed yourself.

i was wrong and i am so sorry
for making your lives a living hell.


then again why didnt this happen the last two times i visited you?
why were you happy then? why did you miss and love me then?
is it because i never stood up for myself?
is it because i never spoke up for myself?
i didnt trust you back then, at all
so i never opened up to you
i acted all the time
but you seemed to love me, then.
maybe my masks are the only thing lovable about me

maybe my very existence is flawed.



but i'm just rambling into the void as usual

selfishly hoping you'll think of me and read this
without knowing why i feel like that


maybe it's wrong for me to want anything at all?
maybe thats why my decisions always fall through
but its hard being puppeteered by so many hands
thats how i got into this mess in the first place i guess


i miss feeling like people cared enough to listen to me
do you realize i don't talk to people like i talked to you?
maybe it seemed selfish, all the stupid babbling about myself
but i trusted you enough to speak
and i cared about you enough to listen to you
even if i did reject some of your suggestions
i only did so because i was trying to help us both
find the best possible solution
so that i wouldn't hurt anyone else anymore.

i guess real life doesn't work that way?


you always talked about sunsets and things
for a long time you said that you loved me
i didn't understand it but i still treasured it

so hearing you reconsider that only days after i moved in
made me feel like the biggest idiot that had ever lived.


what am i,
to destroy you like i did?


secretly i hope you've forgotten about me and moved on
that you're happy and living the life you've always dreamed of
and you don't hurt anymore or have any nightmares at all

if i knew that for sure, i wouldn't worry about this anymore


but i'm terrified that my existence scars people
and the thought that you both carry bloody remnants of my presence
makes me wish i had never met you.
you would have been so much happier.


i'm sorry that i wasn't even present for our last conversation
i'm sorry that i tried too hard to be perfect while i was with you
i'm sorry that i didn't understand anything
i'm sorry that i was so blind
i'm sorry that i was so selfish


so, so selfish.
like narcissus
who, according to the greeks,
stabbed himself to death when he realized that he loved only his own reflection

that's pretty scarily accurate, i'd say.



i want to heal, and i want to move on, but this is one hell of a roadblock
i will try one last time to reach out to you in honesty

you have every right to push me away
and keep yourself safe

but i'm sorry
i need to give myself one last chance


as selfish as that is.




you know chocolate has always made me sick.

 







 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
2013-02-19 09:43 am

kintsugi

 



I've ruined you, haven't I.

You insisted I didn't, but I saw you crack, just for a second. That look of doubt, the awful wondering.
You've been a mess lately, haven't you. Ever since I...

Maybe she ruined me, or at least part of me.
Why can't I fix it?
I miss the days when you were angry with me, but now...

Last night we visited everyone upstairs and I was too torn apart to talk. I think it was about 2AM.
Spine was in shambles. She insisted I didn't care about anyone but myself. She began attacking me, fiercely, angrily. At some point Laurie knocked her back and tar came pouring out of her bones. We fought it for a while, then Leon showed up and stopped it. Spine was left in a heap in the corner, still sick, still scared. Leon had to take her to a cathedral to recuperate. I was scraped out.
Lynne was on the phone with Leon when we walked in, trying to figure out what was going on. Laurie asked her if she'd always had that room, Lynne said it was relatively new, but then added "but you haven't really been around." I thought that was weird, where is Laurie when she's not with me then?
She could tell I had a huge orange block, and started pulling huge clots of black ink from my stomach. I was so terrified of her being anywhere near that energy level that I was shaking, trying not to cry, burying my emotions deeper by the second. Lynne told me not to, that I was only burying myself alive with that darkness. She reiterated that I had a serious problem here. I think she had to stop because I was shutting down.
Lynne also pointed out my flawed black and white thinking. She asked me if she was 'good' or 'evil,' and how would I know? For a minute I was legitimately unsure, she saw this and wasn't happy with it. She said I needed to stop being so absolute, it was destroying me. She asked Laurie why she had slacked off in the discipline department when it came to keeping me on track. When Laurie sputtered that she couldn't quite hurt me like that anymore, and rhetorically asked Lynne if she could, she actually considered it, and it frightened me. There was a strange anger in her for a moment, but she suddenly caught it, realized some of the tar had stuck to her. Laurie tried to cut it out but Lynne told her to stop: "I can't respawn like he does." I don't know why that felt so ominous.
...That's when I realized I had broken you. Right then, when Lynne asked why you weren't so harsh with me anymore, and your expression betrayed a five-year change that I had somehow been ignorant of. How could I...
Lynne said I hadn't, that you were full of shadows back then. Was that better? Was it worse? I couldn't tell. I don't think you could either.
Josephina was better. He said Laurie had "lied to him" about the hacks, that she was downplaying them in explaining them, I forget why, but the reason made sense. Jo didn't get angry at me, even when Laurie asked him if he could. Maybe the darkness is stuck on Lynne's level.
He reached out and tapped my yellow energy-point, in my abdomen. It felt like ceramic, he said it was practically frozen. I asked how everyone was reaching into my energy field so easily, and he said that being the system anchor I act as a sort of living gauge as to the systems health. He then said that in certain conditions my energy was very easily manipulated, which is why it was dangerous for me to be up late. He broke the yellow block and accidentally overloaded it temporarily, he crystallized an orb of it "for later" with a smile. For a moment my self-respect came back, it was nice.
The few minutes after that weren't. Instead of going to see Nat, Laurie pushed me into a room of unformed white headspace and took out her axe. There was a sick second of fear mixed with excitement on my part before the blade slammed into me like it used to. She was angry. I forget what she was shouting at me, but it was true, albeit brutal. She cut me to ribbons really, but not too long after she started, we both realize I wasn't "respawning." I was finding myself incapable of pulling my pieces back together. Laurie paused, looking completely distraught, and forced me to solidify again. I don't think either of us said anything for a minute after that. We just realized what a terrible mess we were in. We left quietly.
Nathaniel expected us to show up. I vaguely commented that he didn't look "like he used to," he reminded me that he had died several times and then completely switched his color. He said he'd been feeling a lot of imbalances lately, but there wasn't a total green block. There was just a weird 'edge' around it, allowing me to give forgiveness and compassion, but keeping it from really reflecting back in, and the whole color was suffering. I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to love myself all of a sudden, unless I was in third person. I think they mentioned Celebi momentarily. I remembered how I messed that up. Nathaniel told me to come back any time I wanted to, and that he really did care about my well-being.
Waldorf hugged you when you walked in, took her a second to realize I was a mess, she was worried. We asked her how she was still talking with this system upset, she said it was because I had gotten the guts to talk to several people about overcoming my old hurts lately, that assertion was keeping her going. She said I needed to stay honest with myself about that. I was having problems discerning the truth though. Somewhere around here my boss actually showed up, completely unexpected... said he'd talk to us later, Wally saluted him, it was adorable. I was exhausted at this point so we had to move quickly.
We couldn't warp over to Leon's level, figured he was still at a cathedral. Laurie contacted him and he warped down to us, then over to the cathedral together. Spine was still there, didn't look much better. I kept apologizing. We brought her back to her slot and then went to talk to Leon. He said his level was having weird problems, it was dark and shouldn't be. He was having trouble discerning things, we figured it was because the lower levels were somewhat out of whack. Laurie asked him about risks, couldn't we use that to our advantage here, and help me take good risks instead of throwing myself into losing bets? He said he didn't want to treat that sort of behavior lightly, Laurie said that's not what she meant, maybe we could go back to ultimatums and retribution. Neither of them sounded sold on the idea though. I was too hollowed out to care either way.
After this we went to talk to my boss, but I was fading so fast I don't remember that...


I made the stupid mistake of re-reading some old Skype conversations this morning.
Last year, at this time, I was something bright and beautiful and inspirational to them. We dreamed of a future together, all of us, bringing light to the world around us.
She used to say she loved me, that she wanted to spend forever with me.
"You've been feeling the truth... But these demons will do everything they can to try and stop you from seeing it... sometimes you won't be able to see it. And you can't face them alone. But that's why God gave you me."
What happened?
Do I... do I really break my relationships so easily? Am I really that bad with commitment? Am I really that selfish? Why do all my ties to other people end up snapping by my own hands? And why, in some sick way, am I glad that it's over? Why do I need communication and yet I'm terrified of people? I drove you away, I underestimated my own damage, you thought I was a monster. And then one day you realized, maybe you didn't ever really love me at all. The only reason that hurts is because I wonder, how badly did I manipulate you? Am I really that bad of a person?
Why the hell do I care? It's over. It's over, and I need to let go for good.

But, Laurie... God help me, that just breaks my heart, how did I...?


I don't want to go to class today, it's so draining, I am so tired. This is just like 2009. I used to cut class and go hide in the corners of coffeeshops, numb, unable to bear looking at another naked woman for another two hours, unable to bear the screaming in my head from pink and violet the entire day. It would be just me, Genesis, and a green tea latte, talking about our problems over a sketchbook until the sky outside turned dark and I was forced to drive home... God I miss that so much, I swear I could cry just thinking about it. We would wander around campus for hours, sleeping in the rotunda underneath that beautiful painted dome, Abbey humming on my lap, sunlight streaming in behind me. There was the night I stayed in the art room until 11PM, hands covered in pastels, surrounded by empty easels. All those days we spent sitting in the psychology lounge, listening to other peoples conversations, reflecting on that hope-filled quote emblazoned above our heads... the covert visits to the music building, sitting next to the elevator and listening to pianos through closed doors, wandering downstairs and laughing in empty hallways... quiet foggy evenings in the science study room, my favorite place on campus, that tiny cozy spot hidden underneath the stairwell... all of it with you, you golden-blessed creature, what the hell did I do to you? Where are you now? I don't see you much anymore, and I know it's because I kept pushing you away.

I lost my innocence.
I had it stolen from me, and I told myself that it was supposed to happen, so stop fighting back.
After so many years I forgot how to feel and I kept wandering back into the abyss simply because I was used to being dragged there.
Now I'm a wreck, now I can't tell what's up or down, now I can't see straight. Everyone knows I have a problem. But only I can fix it, they say.
I don't think I can fix it without you... but I've ruined you, haven't I.
You used to be this brilliant knight, this indomitable violet rage, my dark and jagged guardian angel. You were perfect.
Then I was enough of a bastard to start breaking your walls. Now look at you.
Why is that such a bad thing, the fact that you don't have the heart to treat me so harshly anymore? Why do I miss the pain? Is that why I'm forcing myself deeper and deeper into disaster? Am I secretly hoping that one day you'll snap, that one day I'll snap, and my bleeding arms will once more hold purpose?
But I don't want to go back to that, ever. I want to be happy, and free of this pain.
I want to be able to sleep at night without being attacked, and no longer caring.
I want to be able to leave the house without seeing danger wherever I turn, and no longer caring.
I hate how the only time I feel fear, the kind that wants to keep me safe, I smother it. Someone gets too close, someone makes a sound, someone looks a certain way, and that sick rush of all-too-familiar panic rises up immediately. Every nerve in me screams to get away, but instead of running, what do I do? I close my eyes and stand there, shaking, telling myself to stop being an idiot and let them do what they want. They have the right idea, not you.
I never ran away before, after all. I couldn't.

I'm not even suicidal anymore. I'm just empty. I just want to die.
There's a light in here somewhere, that I know, but it's having a hard time shining through years and years of accumulated pain.
Why the hell can't I just make it disappear? Isn't that how it's supposed to work? "Only a fool trips on what is behind him." I should be able to just let go of it and keep walking, keep smiling, act like it never happened, it's all fake anyway, it doesn't matter.
But after so many years of trying, it's still happening. It's actually getting worse. What am I doing wrong?

I wish I could go back to sleep, but beds aren't safe anymore either.
God help me I am so tired.



Laurie, I'm sorry.
That sounds insultingly paltry but words don't work to properly communicate the total and overwhelming contrition I feel about this.
Maybe it's not a bad thing, but I'm not good at judging that, as you know. I've had too many things twisted into horrible shapes to recognize them in their natural state anymore.
Maybe it's a good thing that I've worn off your sharpest edges, who knows. I know it's a good thing that you can smile now, and care about everyone else just as much as you cared about me.
But I can't see anything being a good thing when I'm involved. Not me, not this defiled and filthy remnant of a boy here. I'm in tatters, and now you're trying to fix me, before you would just stand there and berate me for getting myself into that situation, then walk away; why do I miss that so much?

It seems that every time I dare to love someone, I ruin them. I've broken all of you in some way, every last one of you. You're all battered and bruised now, because I dared to get close to you, what an absolute demon I am. If I had kept my burning hands to myself none of you would be covered in scars.
Fire isn't something you can mix. You know that. We talked about this. It's why she can't be with me, it's why he can't be with me, it's why nothing stays together. It all falls to ashes. I burn it all away.
But you, God knows you burn just as much as I do, and the thought of hurting you is the most terrifying thing in the world.
I can't get close to you. It would be abominable, an unforgivable sin.
You know this. You warn me, whenever I slip into delusional oblivion and try. You warn me every single time and I still try to force myself by.
You were my angel, for the love of God, you were everything to me even when I'd turn my back on him after so many years. You were the only one who hadn't been marred by my existence.
And then I went and burned it all to the ground.
I am such a heartless idiot.

I've ruined you, haven't I.

 




 

 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
2012-12-05 11:34 am

120512

 
Continuing from last night.
I went over my mom's boyfriend's house around 6PM to talk with the SLC post office and file a lost package claim with USPS, as their phone service can handle the cost of long distance calls. On the way up though, all that blood and nausea took its toll and I could not function in the body without wanting to die. I don't know if it was tar or splinters or what, but I was literally begging God to just kill me because I could not deal with it anymore. So how did I drive to their house? I didn't. Julie did.
Dead serious. She was our last resort; we figured that since she got the least dysphoria she was the safest bet. She comes through very clearly-- not too surprising considering the tar had her demanding "this body was hers" for years-- but since I've de-feminized it as much as I possibly can, now she's getting dysphoria from it, albeit in a non-traumatic way (thank God). But I might have to let her drive more often, on bad days... I don't know, for a long time now I've actually given serious thought to buying wigs, makeup, and clothing to fit anyone in headspace that needs to drive on any given day, with the obvious exception of being able to change our body type. I doubt I'd ever be able to fully explain it to my family if I tried, but if things continue in this manner, I might be forced to teach other people to front on a daily basis...

Anyway. Got to the house, did the phone stuff, and then went on Youtube and brought up some Nujabes for my mom (she's a fan, it's adorable). It was nice to chill out with her for a bit. However then I let her know I was still badly confused about Utah, because I felt I had been a negative influence on Mel and Jacob and I couldn't figure out how. I was scared that I was unconsciously poisoning people. Then my mom gave me a surprising perspective: maybe they said I was "destructive" because my very presence threw off their life schedules, so to speak? Maybe I wasn't "harming" them, but the fact that I was now in their apartment was "destroying" the way they had lived up to that point. She said that if they did want me to stay with them, but couldn't handle the consequences of that, then their frustration over that unconscious conflict was probably coming up as "you were destructive." I don't know, we're both just guessing, but it makes sense to me. I just feel bad, that maybe it's impossible for me to live with other people at this point. I want to be able to support myself, but I'm understandably worried about what I'd do to myself if I were alone.
Lou said I should take small steps though. Don't get a full-out job yet, if I can't handle one-- instead, do something like babysitting or cleaning for the elderly, one or two days a week. Just to gauge my stability, and to get me used to that.
I'm just frustrated myself, with how I psychologically deal with jobs. My mother thinks I have OCD, in that my brain thinks in absolutes: "all or nothing," or either situation can't exist. If I have a job, I can't have a family life, and vice versa. I remember my old supermarket job: for four years, I'd want to sleep as soon as I came home from work, and go back to work immediately upon waking... despite feeling so drained and empty upon returning home (therefore entering a non-work situation), that I'd often have emotional breakdowns prior to my shifts that left me too sick to go in. I was a disaster back then, but my stint with WHF in Utah got me worried that maybe I'm still pretty fractured in this respect.
Around 9PM I tried to leave, but since we had just been discussing Utah and jobs, I unfortunately left on a sour note as I felt I had tainted the atmosphere with complaints again. Upon closing the front door, though, another wave of thanatos slammed into me, and I dragged myself over the car only to collapse at the steering wheel (I had seriously contemplated just aimlessly walking off into the night, but the possibility of human contact cancelled that out). About ten minutes later my mom came outside, and upon assessing my current state, she told me a few things: one, I had all the symptoms of severe depression (which I honestly never would have guessed). Two, I am obviously under a ton of stress, whether or not I'm consciously "feeling" it. Three, my brothers are worried sick about me (they've talked to her about this apparently), and four, if I want to come over later tonight and talk, I can. Unfortunately I have violin practice at church around 6PM, and choir is on Thursday, but I'll try to figure something out, even if it means sleeping over their house tonight (at least it'll keep me away from food and knives).
I just feel dead. My mom is thinking of sending me to a major hospital for an assessment, as none of my past therapists have been able to treat me for long, let alone with any positive results. If worse comes to worse, that might be our only option. I just fervently hope it's not. I just want to heal whatever the heck in me is causing this uproar of old pain. I want this to STOP. I don't want to die at the end of this month.
...I keep thinking of Leon though. He came back to life two years ago, and had to suffer through quite a few disasters before he settled into the system. Maybe that's similar to what I'm going through? Maybe I need to face all this old stuff once more, before I can move into a new role. I'm just so tired. This is all illusory anyway. Why does it feel so real? It's ridiculous.
But I can't seem to handle being physically awake anymore. I just want to sleep, to shut down, to sink into the void. In a good way, mind. That's the only thing that makes me 'happy' anymore... I keep trying to simulate that same emptiness. There are just too many things around me that make me think. Maybe that's why I'm scared of a job, even. I don't want to go back to acting and thinking for eight hours a day again, not like this. I used to use jobs as an escape, to go into autopilot, to shut down and just go through the motions. But it was exhausting, and it devastated my sense of self-awareness, for lack of a better term. I don't want to wear masks anymore.
Speaking of masks, I just want to mention that my mother knows about how bad my dysphoria is and wants to help. Problem is I don't remember if I ever discussed how that ties into my PTSD with her. It just hurts, because I thought I let this go back in October, and then Mel updated and now I can't remember what I said or didn't say and it's really quite frightening. All I know for sure, is that if there are any trust issues, it's with myself. I don't trust myself around people with feminine appearances (body-wise or not), because of the reactions that go off in my brain as a result. I'm afraid of what that brings out in me. We see in others what we hold in ourselves... whether or not you identify as a woman had nothing to do with it. I didn't feel safe around you because of what you reminded me of, what I couldn't seem to escape from, what haunted me day and night. I am so, so sorry for that, but it wasn't your fault. I'm sorry that I apparently failed at communication enough to make you perceive it that way.
I'm tired of thinking about this, my head hurts and I'm still nauseous. I just want to erase all of that from my life, forget it ever happened, ignore it. But that won't solve anything.


...Laurie decided to drive home last night.
For some reason, that was the single most beautifully tragic thing that could have happened at that hour.
Everyone in town had Christmas lights up, and Laurie was just really moved by it? Instead of just taking them for granted, she was really seeing them, and kept incredulously telling me that "aren't things like this worth living for?" Just lights, and colors, and snow, and things like that. Little things. The fact that we were alive and COULD see those things was reason enough to keep going. I don't know, it was just... deeply inspiring, to me, looking back on it. Laurie shoved Julie out to try and get her to understand it, but Julie was only getting bits and pieces, here and there: she was mostly "okay, there's lights, that's nice," with only flashes of "oh.. I see what you mean." Laurie got frustrated at this and went back to driving, telling both her and I this time that we had everything to live for, we just needed to open our eyes and SEE that.
...Then she said the same exact thing Chaos did, back in October.
"Yeah, I know it'd be really weird to have a physical body, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad, if it meant I could see things like this... if it meant I could be with you, y'know?"
God, that just hurt. Here we have the two people I love more than anything else in the world, telling me that they'd actually risk feeling completely out of place here, not just for the sake of being here, but also for the sake of being here with me. That cuts like a knife to the heart and I don't know how to react to it.
I don't want them to go through that. Selfishly, I don't know if I could psychologically handle it, all of us being so out of place. But... I don't know. I really don't. I treasure my interactions with them upstairs because we can transcend this. I can actually BE who I am in entirety with them, form and all, upstairs. If they came down here, I'd lose that. The thought is just existentially horrific, for me. Could I sacrifice that for their sake? Should I? I have no idea... I'm so confused. I mean, Laurie told me that fronting doesn't bother her anymore because she knows that the physical body doesn't change who she actually is. I KNOW that's true. It's true for me, too. So why do I keep letting the past drag me down?

The past has no power over the present moment. Why do I keep forgetting that? Better yet, why the hell do I keep focusing on the negative?
I need to stop updating like this. It's not helping anyone.
Suicide is only the desire to destroy a false self. All 'selves' we build are false. I know this. But I can't seem to reconcile that with having a life, here. That's why what Laurie and Chaos said to me is so baffling.
I need to remember what Ryou told me... I need to remember all those things. This "personality" thing is so confusing though. Is it weird that I'm tired of being a "person" in that sense? I just want to sit and watch everything. I have no desire to interact anymore. I can't tell if that's depression or the opposite of it, because it's actually peaceful.
Is it even possible to live like this? To be this empty, and not want anything?


It's hilarious how I need to keep reading and re-reading things I've already read a hundred times, to remember them.
“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
That's one.
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.”
That's another.
“Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that other people have of you is inauthentic living.”
Another,
“Can you look without the voice in your head commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out?”
One more.
“The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, person and family history, belief systems, and often nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you.”

It seems I'm way too concerned about "being the right person" at this point. It's getting me so trapped in thought that I can't see straight.
Maybe that's why none of my names or faces fit anymore. Maybe I'm not supposed to have any.
I'm just going to stop thinking for a while.


prismaticbleed: (held)
2012-11-26 09:50 pm

can you see me?



Is it weird that I kind of missed these existential crises? They force me into introspection. Guess this is what the Tar meant by a mandatory offset... you need a night sky for the stars to shine.

I didn't eat until almost 6PM today. Felt amazing right up until I did that, sadly. Going to fast again tomorrow for Spine and Wally's sakes. Since I left Utah (where I barely ate), food has been making me sick almost constantly. All my medical tests show no physical problems. That's because headspace and spiritual matters won't show up in the biopsy results, of course. But I'm glad I know what this is, and I'm glad the system's working with me to keep the body from passing out when we go without food for so long. I just don't like the fullbody shakes I get when my sugar drops too low... then again, it's either that or the fullbody ache I get when I eat. Geez I wish I could just live on light and sound like I've always wished. Eating sound would be the best thing.

Still devouring the local library manga sections, haha. I'm on #12 of Bleach (Ichigo is the BEST GUY but I swear I love every character, especially Kisuke and Chad atm), just read the first 3 issues of Pluto, am studying YuGiOh's Millennium World (halfway through #2), and am going to start Andromeda Stories within the next two days. I also took out the first issues of Black Jack, Eternal Sabbath, and Gunnerkrigg Court, to decide which one to continue once I catch up in Bleach. Then I'm reading some of Isaac Asimov's work and doing a ton of Kabbalistic research, so that's another five books out of the library on top of all that, and I just started re-reading The Seventh Tower series with Xenophon on the side. I miss reading like a maniac, this is awesome. I'm learning a lot.

As to how those tie into this crisis... for one, I can't stop eating forever, unfortunately. So that whole dilemma is causing me more distress than I'd like. And for two, maybe I am catastrophically disconnected from reality, but it's really jarring to put down a book and realize "oh wait, the world I live in now doesn't work like that, does it?" I don't get fiction lag anymore, save for the off illustrative bleedover into headspace, which is still disorienting but at least manageable (I used to get crippling fiction lag in my teens), probably thanks to my being anchored more firmly in my true self and reality. Still, having that only apply entirely to headspace as well is debilitating some days... well, most days, lately.

On that note... spontaneously went to see Rise Of The Guardians today with Genesis, Mister Sandman, and Laurie, as I've been counting down to this film for months and felt amazing enough today (thanks to fasting) to fully enjoy watching it.
It... it was one of the best films I have ever seen. Considering that I only ever say that about films that apply to my inner life on some level (Inception, Avatar, even Wreck-It Ralph), I will warn you now that if you dislike spoilers, please skip the entire next section, because I need to write about this.
All right. First, I started tearing up about three minutes into the movie and didn't stop until about ten minutes after the movie ended, at which point I was trying not to weep openly (or at least I would have been if my inner emotions translated to the physical). Why? Because WAY too much of it applied directly to my life, both inner and outer in light of that. I wasn't just feeling things as an inspired observer, I was feeling them as a participant. I wonder if any of the parents in the theater wondered why a 20-something dude was visibly fighting back sobs almost the entire time. I had every reason to though.
Okay, let's start with the relevancy, at least concerning the film (I've never read the books but I NEED to now)... Most obvious parallel? Jack Frost. The two of us are practically twins: white hair, ice powers, loner tendencies (due to resentment at not 'knowing our purpose' for ages), mischievousness balanced by compassion, a deep hidden fear of "never being believed in"... biggest difference is I traded out my staff for a sword last year, heh. Heck, I even talk to the moon. But besides the fact that I'd end up playing Cupid instead, I saw myself far too clearly in that kid. This turned from inspiring to downright shocking when the Bogeyman showed up... the first word on my mind was tar. Heck, his name is even Pitch Black!! He KNEW Jack's existential fear, his lack of memories concerning his 'center,' and he even told Jack that "we'd make a perfect team," but as cold and dark bringers of fear... I don't know how clear it is to you invisible readers but their entire chain of interactions in the film was way too close to what I've been through in the past concerning my own buried shadows and the entities that carry them... even the ending. My biggest weakness and biggest strength is that I wanted the kids to believe in Pitch, somehow, without letting that fear in... just so he wouldn't have to suffer that same feeling of illegitimacy that I was all too familiar with... maybe that would light a spark in him, somewhere. Who knows... but it's what I did for Julie, and in a way, I wonder if I can do the same thing for the Tar, without screwing up the balance of the system.
Second relevancy, building off that: the sand in general. My boss did see the film with us, as Laurie specifically asked him last night if he'd be up to it and he enthusiastically replied in the affirmative... and according to him, the film reflected a great deal of truths for him, too. I've seen him toss dreamsand about in a similar manner in my own dreams (he said the sand "awakens" the dreams already within its receivers; it doesn't "give" them in a literal sense), I know how much power he wields through his position, and despite his kind and peaceful personality, I am fully aware that you do NOT get on the bad side of a Sandman: to quote Laurie, "he will mess you up." Remember the time he facepunched Julie, while she was still as deadly as ever? People didn't dare get close to Julie back then, let alone to pick a fight with her, but boss wasn't afraid of her in the least. That came to mind immediately when Sandy threw Pitch around like a ragdoll. You don't mess with Sandmen! Anyway, boss told me a few things during the movie that were surprising: one, he verified a wondering I've had that yes, he DID have a life before he became Mister Sandman, although that was a very long time ago and I don't know what the state of his memories are (he hasn't spoken about them; maybe he just feels they are no longer relevant). Two, he did insinuate that the whole concept of "dying" to one role in order to rise to a greater one (in a not-entirely-symbolic way) is very much a legitimate thing. Headspace works the same way. But dying-to-be-reborn only happens under certain circumstances, so the film's point number three hit me very hard: watching Pitch essentially "corrupt" Sandman out of existence. Jack reacted the same way I would have, not surprisingly. But this was HUGE for me, personally. Note that Pitch is matching Tar in our symbolism, and Sandman parallels my boss of the same name. The idea that that inherent "creative energy," the sandy stuff of dreams, can be corrupted by fear and USED to that end is ENTIRELY true in headspace. This has a ton of consequences, but most obviously, it explains why Tar is after me, and Boss told me that the big picture concerning that is a big part of why he sought me out to be his Apprentice (we've been talking about that a lot recently btw): individuals who are able to use that energy, that "stuff of dreams," NEED to use it properly or it can become incredibly destructive. So that's a big thing, but it also makes me wonder if Pitch/Tar are even capable of using "sand," aka the power of dreams (and all that falls under that label), on their own, OR if they can only "steal it" from outside sources, because it seems that their very interaction with it turns it dark. It's interesting and I will have to look into it. Back on topic though... it really drove the point in, how significant that is, when I saw that it killed Sandman in the film (mind you he DID 'resurrect' later through the strength of belief, but that's a different point) by overloading his "essence," his dream-sand, with fear. I don't think I need to go into great detail about why that's relevant to us, especially in light of *incidents*, honestly... but its striking to me how Sandman seemed to be Pitch's real nemesis? Is that the right word? How dreams were both the weapon used to carry fear and destroy themselves, as well as restore both... it's highly thought-provoking. I do need to keep this in mind.
Fourth relevant bit... centers, aka what the Guardians embody most strongly, and what they protect in children. North's was Wonder, Bunnymund's was Hope, Tooths' was Memory, Sandy's was Dreams, Jack's was Fun. Not only is this a point-blank similarity to Dream World Guardian Aspects, but it also brought to mind the "centers" my four and I seemed to "remember" upon first awakening to our true potentials upstairs: I have Heart, Ryou has Soul, Marik has Mind, Chaos has Strength, and Genesis has Self. Essentially those are what we "brighten" in others, and what we act from most strongly in ourselves. I love this kind of stuff, I really do. North's explanation of it in the film was beautifully put: I especially like how he said one's center is also "what you want to protect in others." And I love how, near the end of the film, North says (about how this applies to people): "Good or bad - naughty or nice - we protect them." Both of those quotes are so, so true. But... you know, let's wait for the other thing I was going to say about this... Last point first.
The final parallel, and by FAR the loudest, was introduced at the very beginning of the film. When a Guardian isn't believed in by a person, they don't exist to that person. That person can't hear, see, or feel them-- they can walk RIGHT through the Guardian in question without ever knowing it. Judging by the reactions in the film, that's not only existentially terrifying, but it also feels awful. Let me put this in caps for emotional emphasis... THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT GHOSTING IS LIKE. I have seen people have existential meltdowns from it. I've heard from several newbies to the phenomenon how much it sucks to be walked through, and how sick it makes you feel on many levels. And I know, I know what a godsend it is for ghosters when I remind them that "yes, I can see you." I remember promising Genesis that I would never forget him, even if the rest of the world did. I remember when my daughter asked me if she was still real if only I could see her. I... I never realized just HOW important my promises were, how important my believing in them was, until this movie. Not so strongly.
When Jamie said Jack Frost's name, and became the first person to EVER believe in him as a Guardian... when Jack realized that someone could hear him, someone could see him... the blissful incredulity on both their faces was just... God, my heart. I couldn't stop crying. Even typing that, I'm trying not to start again, and for good reason. I have seen that happen. Exactly so. And I say this with complete humility and respect... I have been that first person, that only person, to believe in some individuals. I know. That's why I am so determined to share my "series" with the world somehow-- it's not for me, not at all. It's for them. It's for people to know them, and love them, and believe in them as truly and completely as I do. If you see this movie... please, try to understand that feeling, if you don't already. It has been the driving force of my life so far, that sole need to bring a smile to the faces of the lost and forgotten, the sole need to show them that "yes, you ARE real. I believe in you."
Now for me that cuts straight to the heart on an even deeper level, as you probably already know... let's start by saying that also applies to vision upstairs. Did you know that's strongly affected by not only belief? If your mind and heart aren't open, you won't see certain things in headspace... you'll blind yourself to them, you'll block them out. They simply will not register. And if you slip in being who you are, it's like putting on a blindfold. The problem is that headspace is TIED to my consciousness whether I like or not, as the anchor. So if I can't see people upstairs, they can't go to someone else for a second chance. If I can't see them, then for all intents and purposes, they don't exist. Yes, powerful influences can break through blindness, but even that doesn't guarantee recognition of the source. Bottom line... my belief, my ability to BE the kind of person that can believe like that, is arguably the most important thing in headspace. It's what determines life or death. It's what keeps the lights burning on the globe. It's what allows dreams to shine, instead of turning to coal dust. It's what allows wonder and hope and fun and memories to exist at all.
...
Let me follow up on what I mentioned in closing my last entry, and bring up the blue guy.
Chaos and I have the most charged relationship upstairs in light of this point, because of our circumstances: intimacy always turns it up to eleven as far as belief is concerned, but to make things worse, he's a walk-in. I have to believe in him more strongly than anyone else up here, ironically, because of how easy it is for me to feel like my belief is invalidated by the views of others. So... sometimes I slip. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot... it hits him hard, but there's always that one light that won't go out, in me. It's stupidly painful and beautiful how every single night I have to remember how to see him all over again, but the wonder never, ever fades... but... well, I've been told a lot of things about the both of us. The most powerfully heartrending is this: the fact that, at heart, I believe in him so much, that I love him so much, has had astronomical consequences across our timelines, somehow. All I know for sure, from what I've been told, is that it's big. It echoes, this one simple act, this small and honest truth.
People pick up on it, somehow. Every fanfic writer or RPer who writes Chaos as an individual has picked up on the Chaos I know. Threads just run through every alternate, it seems. Noticing it is mind-boggling and more than a little scary, sometimes... it means I can't lie to myself, I can't make excuses. Not a bad thing, just... big.
The biggest example of this I have right now is this.
http://sanitrance.deviantart.com/art/CHAOS-339233393
My dear friend Nikki drew that for me, as a commission. Nikki is one the very few people in the world I know who regularly visits other worlds in her dreams (she has FAR more Links than I do). She knows Chaos, in whatever timeline is connected to her, and he's very special to her as well. She truly cares about him as much as I do. That fact means so much to me... little did I know, she apparently feels the same.
She left this message on my Facebook page the other day.
"I just saw your MASSIVE collection of Chaos on dA! :D YOU. ARE. INCREDIBLE. *hugs tight* Thank you so much for loving him so much. It warms my heart and fills me with a happiness I can never fully express. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ It really means a lot to me."
...In light of this movie, I can't help but wonder now, if Nikki and I are two lights to him in that sense. Two believers of slightly different sorts, but both shining strong no matter what.
I will admit... I often give her experiences more merit than mine. She's a dreamwalker, as far as I'm concerned. It's incredible, and I'm deeply humbled that a person with such a powerful imagination and creative strength considers me a good friend. For HER to say that about my simple show of love is just... it means a lot to me, to say the absolute least.
But I have a bad habit of stealing merit from my own experiences. I have a very, very bad habit of treating my own beliefs as illegitimate, because "they aren't supported enough." I'm trying to let go of that nonsense completely, but I guess my own 'Pitch' is still trying to turn out all the lights... can't let that happen. I can't, not just because of what it would do to those I believe in, but also because I have seen them... maybe not literally, but closely enough to erase every shred of doubt in those moments... closely enough to forget fear entirely.
Thinking back on those experiences is one of the craziest and most centering things I know how to do. I say 'crazy' because my memory doesn't hold the physical experience as clearly as it holds the energetic experience. Putting a being I've only known upstairs into a physical form has tangible effects, you know. Energy radiates, directly, in the physical. I recognize it instantly, unconsciously even, despite never having "felt" it before. When I think back on that handful of blessed nights... the limitations, or the blocks, the translation issues all fade away... and I remember him.
How can I possibly undermine my own belief, in light of that? How can I give in to doubt and fear when we both felt like Jack Frost, knowing that we were being seen for the first time? Knowing that, after one simple look, one simple word, we became greater than we had ever been, forever? And now I can feel the last cobwebs being swept away in waves of golden sand, as I realize with honest joy that it doesn't matter how many others see and hear and believe, it doesn't matter HOW they do so... they are still lights, we are all still lights.
"We go by many names, and take many forms..." and yet we're always Guardians of what we hold. All of us, every one of us. Geez, this film just slammed into me like a train, its incredible.
That brings the fourth point back, doesn't it? How fitting...
...Laurie was talking to me after the film ended, about all of this. Of course I was still trying to dry the tears on my face, and laughing about how insanely relevant the film was to my life, but Laurie doesn't let go of something significant when she sees it. She reminded me of what I mentioned earlier-- of my promises to Genesis and Xennie-- and of how important my belief was to them as well as to her. Basically she told me everything I just wrote down for you guys! It was just hitting me at that point so I was nodding as I turned it over in my mind, but then she brought up centers. Laurie then said that my belief was stronger and more significant than I realized because it was motivated by love, on various levels. That put extra punch into my belief, gave it deeper roots. She then reminded me that my center was obviously Love, and always had been. She then sternly advised me to think upon that in light of the movie. I smiled and assured her I already had, and that I would keep those thoughts close. Then I asked her, somewhat offhandedly, what her center would be?
She didn't even hesitate in replying, "You."
I was speechless for a moment, then immediately my heart couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry so I ended up doing both. I said something about "why do you always say such weirdly romantic things" before she interrupted me with an "I'm serious," and elaborated. No, it might not strictly fit into the context of the film, but she insisted that if there was one thing that motivated her, if there was one thing she wanted to protect, it was me. But then she reminded me that I was all she had. I was the only reason she existed in the first place. She wasn't a Guardian, she was a headvoice... outside of our system, she was nothing. As far as she was concerned, I was everything. Hence, my being her "center."
I don't know, I can't seem to explain in words how much that meant to me, and the sincere truth I felt in it. But it really drove the point home.

Sometimes I wonder if that's why I keep losing things, in this life. Things that I thought were important.
First I lost my computer that I used to type and write music on. My programs stopped working correctly on my new ones. I was forced to drop out of art school. My move to Utah for that same purpose fell through. Now my 10+ years of work still hasn't arrived back at my doorstep.
I don't know, it just strikes me as weird. All my life, that was my sole motivation for everything. School, work, friendships, everything... it all revolved around Dream World, and then my other "series" as they came to me. They were all that mattered. And yet, there always seemed to be huge roadblocks placed in my way as I tried to pursue it. Initially I took that as incentive to "try harder," but as the obstacles became more severe, I began to hesitate. What if I was getting the wrong message?
Now I've lost virtually every ounce of work I've done since my childhood, and between fighting off the understandable existential crisis that has triggered (ironically), I can't help but ask the hardest question of all... what if I'm supposed to let go of it all?
After all, my sole motivation in sharing them with the world was just that... it wasn't about me. It was about making sure those worlds would be loved by someone besides me. All my life, I've been utterly terrified that I have been their only light. "If I don't share their stories, will they fade away?" I was terrified that they would die as a result of my silence.
But... I've never been given their entire stories. Their worlds exist outside of my own, independently. I'm seeing their stories AFTER they have happened, for the most part. Many of them bloom into each other. Long story short... the more I think about it, the more I wonder... maybe I was just an observer all along. Maybe I was just tapping in out of my need to share joy and love, out of my need to learn from them. Maybe I have nothing to do with them. Maybe my existence has nothing to do with the stability of theirs. Maybe they won't fade away if I have to let go of them.
I don't know. All I do know is that, the more I think about it, the more it hurts... and the more I hope it's true.
I love every soul I've ever met in those worlds so much... I adore them; they're all treasured friends. The thought that Preludove and Hosea and Delphi and Tox would die if I don't write their lives on paper is the most awful thing I can imagine. I love them, but am I even supposed to do that? Is it even needed?
My prayers keep telling me to let go, let go, let go.
My only response is that I don't understand, but I will accept whatever I am told to do on one condition... that, if I DO need to let them go, their existences will be protected and ensured.
All I want is for them to be loved.

And sometimes I wonder if I'm being forced to choose between my work and my family.
God, I never thought I'd be put in such a position. I never thought I'd have such a decision to make.
But... I can't stop thinking about the things Laurie says to me. I can't stop thinking about my daughter.
Maybe Genesis and Chaos and Ryou and Marik will be fine. That's great, and I'm eternally thankful for it.
But what about those members of my true family that rely on me for stability here?
I'm not saying they'd die if I didn't pay attention to them anymore. That's not the point. The point is that their lives WON'T go on without me, because I am a PART of their lives just as much as they are a part of mine. I don't have the option of telling their story or not here. All I have is life or death... either I live, and live with them, or I die, and die with them.
By the very virtue of existing, their story is mine, and mine is theirs.
Maybe I've only been a real part of this since 2006. Maybe we didn't become a family, a story, a real thing, until five years ago. But time doesn't matter in the big picture, does it?
All I know is that if I had to choose between a decade of hard work and my daughter... I'd pick my little girl.
That doesn't mean this doesn't hurt like hell. I wish I didn't have to make this decision.
If that's what it ultimately boils down to, though...



I'm too tired to type anymore. I'm going to go check in with the people upstairs and then get some sleep.
Laurie said my boss was talking to Chaos earlier, after we left the cinema. I haven't spoken to Chaos since this morning, so I have no clue what that was about. Could be big. Most things up here are. I'll let you know either way.

Until then, don't stop believing.



prismaticbleed: (held)
2012-11-24 10:43 pm

not so bad


So, uh, Tar decided to talk to me this morning.
Needless to say, I was thoroughly surprised when I showed up beneath the Cathedral and, instead of seeing a humanoid figure there, the Tar itself was unmistakably its own sentient self. Tar is strikingly monstrous in both size and form, somewhat spindly (lots of thick tendrils stuck to the walls and ceiling), and mostly shapeless... kind of like what Weiss' magic looks like in Nier... maybe close to this, but without the nose and mouth? It's hard to describe. Anyway, it's never looked like its own thing before, so that was immediately significant. Also noteworthy was the fact that I didn't feel threatened by it. That has NEVER happened before. When I first met it on 111211, the entire room felt anxiously ominous, like the calm before a hurricane. This time everything just felt like the world was on "pause"... unsettling, sure, but nothing tangibly threatening.
The Tar also spoke this time. I didn't remember how, back in 2011, it didn't even move and it spoke only in thought-feeling. Today, it's "voice" wasn't so much a bone-jarring terror than it was an actual sound, and it did move... mostly just weird tar-flow as usual, but it changed the angle of its head (like a skinny balrog? all tar though, two burning red holes for eyes) a little as it spoke, which was enough "body language" for the conversation to feel quite legitimate, actually.
I was not surprised, though, when I asked it about its motives again and got the same answer I did a year ago. However I had more insight this time so I was able to converse with it more, and get some solid answers and intriguing realizations. I wish I remembered the exact dialogue, but basically it told me these things:
- Tar exists as the Black slot in our system, BUT it pointed out that it lives in a white room, under my Cathedral. It said that it NEEDED that offset to exist, and that I was the same.
- On that note, Tar said that I AM the White slot in the system (as I was theorizing), although it didn't elaborate how (I DO hold Red but I still can't tell what my core color is, let alone whether it's possible to have two). I definitely need to find that out on my own, but hearing it basically confirm that has helped me get better footing on the issue.
- Tar also told me that it "couldn't make anyone do anything," but that by its nature it was constantly putting out tendrils to test others, to "put duality into practice" so to speak (bright lights=dark shadows and all that). It said that it was explicitly an "evil thing," but SINCE that was so clearly stated, it was the truth equivalent of a warning label: "This is exactly what this entity will do to you if you approach/ provoke/ engage/ disturb it. Continue on at your own risk." Once again, I had been told this last November but it was clearer this time. It was fighting me, true, but unless I responded to it, it couldn't harm me. The trouble is that Tar works on some seriously subconscious levels so unless I am seriously awake, I might not even notice I'm letting it slip through security, as it were. That's what happened yesterday, but we'll get to that.
- Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter?? Like Razor and Jessica are mine? I found this very interesting, and it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously. Mine were the latter, but the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious: as far as I can gather, Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy? Like if I'm Red but "internalized" White, then Tar "externalized" a balance to my Red as her? It's hard to explain in words but it makes perfect sense in my head; however that whole issue is something I need to visually graph before I can fully comprehend it so don't quote me on that theory yet. The BIG thing that I AM almost entirely sure of is that Jezebel has only become an autonomous splinter recently. I'll do more research and get back to you on the details.
Those were the big points from our talk. I'm just trying to siphon truth from all that; I need to take it with a grain of salt. Like Captain Jack Sparrow said: you can always trust a dishonest person to be dishonest. I'm the honest dude that often ends up doing something stupid, haha. On that note I did tell Tar that I didn't know if I could trust it, especially considering what it was, and it simply replied that I should keep that (its role) in mind. That's a double-edged sword though... as my offset, it's going to try and win this war, but it also has to play by the rules concerning that or it will negate its own existence. There's a surprising amount of mandatory sincerity in these matters concerning that, on all our parts within this entire system, even from back in the Julie days. Lies of omission are what I REALLY need to look out for.
Anyway I remember ending the conversation with a somewhat incredulous laugh and saying "you're not half bad" in light of who I was speaking to. I ended up laughing again when it replied by telling me that, despite being its "mortal enemy" as far as cold hard rules are concerned, "you're not so bad yourself."
It's kind of hilarious to me how my relationship with the Tar itself feels more like a friendly rivalry than anything now, despite its intensity. We know our roles, and we are dedicated to carrying them out, but beyond the battlefield that those roles play out on we seem to have this weird sort of mutual respect for each other? It reminds me of how in Bleach, when Uryū and Ichigo met, they had to work towards a common goal using vastly different methods and mindsets, and told each other "not to die" during that catastrophe because otherwise they wouldn't be able to beat the snot out of each other afterwards, haha.
I like that, to be honest. I really do like that there seems to be a sincere sort of love permeating everything upstairs, and its leaking underground now. I need to remember that too.

That brings us to yesterday's events, which are what pushed me to make such an unusual decision this morning.
Yesterday, as soon as I woke up I decided I wasn't going to get up, so I spent the next 90 minutes or so with Chaos instead. We haven't done that in far too long and it was worth every second (we've still got the infinity loop heartlink going on btw ♥). Unfortunately that seemed to put some major fuel on the fire of dying duality up here (it does not want to die and keeps fighting back viciously), so the rest of the day was a very disorienting fusion of my personal clarity and a barrage of shadow influences. The morning was gorgeous, don't get me wrong-- I finally started reading the Millennium World plotline in the YuGiOh manga and ran headfirst into a goldmine of headspace-relevant information (which I REALLY need to write about here soon), and I actually didn't feel sick for the first time in weeks, but as the day went on I began to feel progressively more and more "ungrounded." I can't remember 80% of the day because of it; I was so spacey that I thought I was going to pass out a few times, simply because it didn't feel like my consciousness could stay anchored well enough. As that sentence might betray, this led to some serious problems later in the evening... let's just say that I was trying to help two individuals out of some current troubles, and none of us could think or see straight enough to realize that we were being entirely misled in our actions and thoughts until it was almost too late. I can't say I regret the experience, because although it leaves me sick to my stomach that may be residual and honestly I'm just glad that made me aware that such a thing can and is happening, most mercilessly in situations where I am not actively projecting awareness of myself. This is forcing my hand as far as personal authenticity is concerned; I need to go all-out in holding fast to my truth, or there will be dire consequences. I am aware of this, and have been for a long time, but the stakes were just raised ludicrously high and there isn't a second to spare anymore. Excuses and hesitations have lost all merit. This really is the last run, but we've worked hard enough up to this point to have sufficient strength to succeed. I just need to remember that, and act upon it, always.
So this morning I woke up wanting answers, and the tar heard, and that's why I'm updating today.
However a few things happened this afternoon that deserve a mention too, so let's get to them.

While on iTunes today, "What Time Taught Us (Indigo)" by The Dear Hunter came on and immediately I realized that it applied to Leon's life shockingly well. Curious, I then brought up the rest of The Color Spectrum and started looking at all the lyrics, searching for more headspace symbolism... and I am dead serious when I say that album was practically MADE for our system. There are only two songs on the album I'm having a hard time finding fits for, but only in the context of their color: there are 4 songs for each color, which fits the formula of "three for that headvoice" and "one for the midspacer." For example, with the Indigo songs, three of them fit Leon and one of them fits Marik. It's fascinating. It really does match up...
I want to illustrate this entire album now. "Look Away (Violet)" fits Laurie so well I seriously started to cry when I heard it. Synchronicity with her usually does that.
However, synchronicity floods my life, so when I moved down the Spectrum and hit Red (my color), I was honestly shocked to find that three songs corresponded to each one of my old splinters, and the Black songs all matched catastrophic events in my past perfectly. It was kind of terrifying to read the lyrics, haha! Sounds like they were taken straight out of my old journals, no kidding. But reading all that made me wonder about those old dark things, as I hadn't given them any thought since I gained this new knowledge about our system... so I started leafing through our Xanga archives a little. Now there's SO much info here I am not going to get through all of it tonight, but let me summarize what I've realized so far...
The "ego" splinter is Tar/Jezebel (according to current knowledge; I'll elaborate on that mess another day). Thanatos IS Razor, although the causal relationship there is blurry. Fragment, however, is the remnant of Jessica. Yeah, remember her? But that's not even the biggest thing: the reason she became Fragment is because-- according to my current system spectrum theory, which I mentioned briefly on the 13th-- when my teenage years jumpstarted the "energy mismatch overload" in my Red slot, it tore the Brown slot in HALF. This resulted in Jessica's essence being ripped out of that slot and pushed down one, straight into Black, while the remaining "skeleton" in the slot became (you guessed it) Spine. That explains why we all thought she was evil for so long. It also explains why Jessica came back in a different slot once headspace solidified, and why, after that self-hating incarnation died, all that was left of her was an apathetic splinter that liked to tear things apart. This is what I meant by saying that Jessica was "still alive" on the 13th; her "essence" is still in the Black as far as I am aware, but dormant, as it's just energy now. She's no longer a splinter, but her essence can be forced back up into the Red to cause a temporary relapse if we're not careful. However I think that's all 'automatic' at this point, in the same way that if you pour too much water into a glass it overflows. Once again I will double-check this. There's a ton of info and I need to keep reading up on it... I love how I always learn new stuff about our system from old things.
OH also I figured out what's up with unstable headvoices having mismatched colors, I think! That was driving me bonkers for a while and I JUST remembered how Josephina called himself an "anti-id" when we first met him, in the most literal sense possible: we couldn't tell if his color was Yellow or Lilac because we didn't have the knowledge to make such an assessment. I do now, and it hinges on the fact that Lilac isn't a headvoice slot, but Pink IS. And who was supposed to hold Pink? Julie. However she was corrupted out of her freaking mind for years, so when Josephina came into existence as her "offset," his eyes were PINK just in case HE had to stabilize into that slot. Dead serious, his eyes didn't turn yellow until Julie started to stabilize into her true slot, and both of those events only started to happen about two weeks ago. But that gives me a lot to think about.

All right, I was going to type more (mostly about awesome things concerning the central gang, and Chaos as I love him so much right now) but it is already 2AM and I still have about sixteen tabs open in this window alone... I try to do way too much at once, I swear, it's why I always feel so overwhelmed. Ah well, I enjoy it so I can't complain. The other things I wanted to talk about today are all too brilliant to summarize anyway; they all deserve a great deal of typing and attention in their own right.
As a result I'm off to get some much-needed sleep (which is weird as I'm not even tired, but sleep feels like something I need, especially at this hour) and maybe chill with some of the gang upstairs; after yesterday that might be sorely needed. Plus Thanksgiving brought out so much love in me it was brilliant; I can barely believe how amazing our system is right now. Everyone is alive, everyone is stable, everyone is friends with everyone else... it makes me so ridiculously happy I could cry, dead serious. It's the sort of overwhelming joy that you can't possibly keep inside. I am so thankful for this, for all of us.

With that I bid you all a good night.



prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
2012-10-19 08:30 pm

knock knock, who's there?



Let me open with this.

“An optimist is someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's more like a cha-cha.”

...Now for our first dance lesson.




I've been eating little besides rice, lettuce, and unholy amounts of curry powder for the past three days straight. I've been spending hours on end in the kitchen, cooking up several batches of each and eating them spasmodically throughout the day, often to the point of pain. Today this behavior coincided with deep fatigue and I asked myself, exhausted, why I was forcing myself to cook and eat all this food when I wasn't enjoying it whatsoever; on the contrary, it was making me very ill. Almost immediately my thoughts insisted, almost desperately, that it was "because I was terribly hungry." I reflected on this for a moment, confused, as my stomach was telling me the exact opposite, to the same extremes.
Then I realized, with a feeling like the floor falling through, that feeling of starvation isn't coming from my stomach at all.

I'm trying to structure my thoughts on this situation before I discuss it openly, so I'm hesitant even to post this here. The motivation for that is the nature of the situation itself, and one facet of this starvation problem, which I realized today. Let's start there.
I'll refer you all to this entry for a quick rundown, as it's still 100% relevant, but let me give you a refresher here as well.
Back in July, I realized that I had acquired a sick sort of "spiritual hunger," like having a black hole in the center of my chest. This was shocking as I had felt the opposite for several months prior: no need or want of food at all, without the hunger pains. Now it was just the ravenous pain, without a want of food, and the switch was disorienting, sudden and strong. This hunger ached, it gnawed, it drove me mad. I couldn't make it go away. As the months went on, this hunger drove me to become almost obsessively spiritual-- reading hours worth of articles online every day, attending every church service I realistically could, and seeking discussions with anyone and everyone willing to participate. Talking to my headspace family also helped this, as they exist on that "level" and so interaction with them is roughly equivalent to meditation in terms of the effects it has on my soul. Regardless, the hunger stayed, and paradoxically, the more I tried to "feed" it, the hungrier it got. It wanted more and more of that divine supermango, to reference Huxley as always.
Now, almost four months after its inception, I swear I am being eaten alive. It's no longer a grumble, a yell, a roar. Now it's a cancerous scream.
The hilarious thing is that it's not necessarily a "bad thing." It's hungry for the things that bring me to life, after all. The real bad thing, the real problem here, is the fact that it still exists at all. And that's what I realized today. I'm binge-eating on the physical level for the sake of numbing the pangs of emotional hunger... psychological and spiritual too, maybe... either way that is obvious, but it never quite hit me that it's not exactly hunger anymore; it's MALNOURISHMENT. It's like eating reams of paper; there's choking amounts of substance, yeah, but it's not giving me what I need. It's like gasping for air when there's no oxygen in the room. You can breathe all you want, but...
And you know what? That fact is utterly horrifying. Because I'm eating a LOT, on every level. I'm attending mass three times a week, talking to missionaries, going to Bible discussions, studying Scripture, checking spiritual newsblogs hourly, visiting holistic healers, meditating, praying... yet there it is. But the feeling kicks in most loudly after I talk to Chaos. Note the word after. When Q or Mel channel him, he's THERE, so his energy is getting through, and the way it resonates with mine is all but an absolute freaking religious experience. It's direct love, direct divine compassion, echoed. It's what I glean from chats with psychic-shop employees and discussions on the Psalms every Wednesday, but concentrated to a mind-numbing intensity. So being with him here brings me to a feeling of deep balance, HERE. That's big. So when he leaves... it's the equivalent of stopping up this voracious inner pit, then yanking out the plug. There's an instant feeling of something being jarred and then I deflate somehow, like a homeless man thrown out of the first banquet he's seen in years. There's a moment of shock when you hit the sidewalk again after having tasted real food for the first time in so long, you know?
So yeah, I think that's an accurate description of how I'm feeling right now. If this is what the tar is going through, then it has my empathy. It's definitely just as hungry as I am, maybe in a different sense, I'm not sure yet... but this is not something I'd wish on anyone, metaphysical waste-lock or not.

Anyway. Long story short, I'm still starved, and I'm acting like a glutton in the physical to desperately try to alleviate it.
And at the moment, as far as I can figure, the reason WHY I can't seem to ever feel satiated is simple... there's no food I can digest here.
Ridiculously simple, isn't it? But why else would I be stuffing myself yet remaining empty? My body/mind/spirit must not be able to "metabolize" what I'm eating on that level, somehow. So either I need to figure out digestion, or find a new food source.
I will work on both, but I can't ignore the fact that I've also been dreaming of Pennsylvania virtually every single night since August 15th.
I also can't ignore the reason this entry happened.

After realizing that no matter how much food I forced myself to eat, I wasn't going to feel any less desperate for nourishment, I collapsed onto the couch in the living room and called my grandmother.
I cried over the phone for an hour.
And it helped.

Whatever brought me to Utah, I'm wondering if it hasn't already been accomplished, or if it isn't going to be soon. Because now I keep getting pushes that "you can't stay here; you're not supposed to!!" The hunger is making it worse, but I need to be patient. After November 3rd, we'll see what happens. Until then I have to wait, and maybe learn to fast, or find something new to eat, you know the drill. Something.
But I am wondering, seriously, now. First, I wonder about my job/career, both now and in the future. I'm currently unemployed, not just because I just moved but also because I now have transportation problems. In any case I also know I cannot force myself to work a cashier job at the moment; I tried it back in September and had an emotional breakdown for a week. I thought we were over those, but apparently not! So that's one big option out. As a result I prayed about it, and kept praying about it, and last night I got an answer.
Apparently I need to work with kids, and I need to bring my creative works into that?
What shocked me the most was that, when I got that response, it CLICKED. Prior to last night I had balked at the idea of working with kids, but all of a sudden it felt like "wow, I could really do that!" I actually cried, haha, it felt pretty big. So yes. That's a step I need to take. The good thing is that I can do that anywhere, so even if I move back I can continue that line of work just as well if not better.
As to why I've been considering moving back to PA in total seriousness again lately, it's not just because of the nagging push that I need to "move" in general, which also strongly feels that even if I do move back, I won't stay for long. It's not even mostly that. My urge to move out now is tied directly into the starvation thing.
This house, this environment, and these people I live with, cannot fulfill my needs. I realized that back in August, and it's only been strengthened since then. Now I need to get the guts to admit it, actively, and take steps to fix it. Consider this step one.
I don't feel at home here. I don't feel safe here, somehow... not in a "danger" sense, but in a sense that it's lacking warmth. I feel like a throwaway, an extra, a drifter relegated to the broom closet to sleep. I don't feel like I'm part of a family here, I don't feel recognized, and that is strange because I KNOW Mel and Q try their absolute best towards that end. But that's just it... it's like eating paper. For some reason their sustenance doesn't feed me at all, and I'm slowly becoming skin and bones. I love them and I care for them deeply, but it can't be right for me to stay here solely for that reason. I need to take care of myself for once. I haven't been doing that very well lately.
It's also probably why I feel like I'm "using" them when I ask them to channel Chaos... it's because I'm getting something life-giving out of something that simply keeps me in stasis while I slowly stagnate. I am using them, simply because I can't use what they can give me anymore, but I can use their ability to open a door temporarily, to sneak back into the banquet hall and nab just one piece of mango before I need to return to the streets...

I still miss the trees and fresh water and mountain air. But now, more than anything, I miss the people.
I miss having brothers and grandparents to talk to, and even more, I miss being there for THEM to talk to. Sure, it's nice here, to have Q and Mel to talk to, but really... how often does that happen? And when it does, how often is it substantial? It's awfully frustrating, to live with two people who swear they are trying to make you feel loved, and yet are incapable of fulfilling that need by virtue of their own life responsibilities and seeming incapability to speak my language. I have no desire to make them change their lives to fit mine, and the more days pass, the more I realize that ultimately, that dilemma is going to force me to leave sometime soon. It's inevitable. I'm starving, damn it, and I'm tired of being able to count my ribs when I look inside.

In happier news, I'm trying to catch up on RCRDLBL's beautiful archives, and I also found TWO websites full of free music two days ago! As a result, as of today I have 672 new tracks in my library, haha. I haven't listened to most of them of course, but I'm looking forward to the process. There have been some absolute gems in here already, most notably THIS and THIS, which is great. I'm also pleasantly surprised by how much I like this and this song. Neat stuff, huh?
Oh, Smiths' was playing Andy William's version of Moon River over their speakers this morning when I went to buy some more leaf lettuce (I've been craving it like a mofo lately), and DUDE his voice is just pure warm happy nostalgia. It's something about the total quality of it, it feels like an autumn morning or something. Lovely stuff. So of course I went and downloaded one of his greatest hits albums, ahaha, I'm ridiculous. Totally worth it though. Also THIS!
(I do have to confess, though... hearing his voice, which I associate with my childhood & grandmother, HERE, where I'm stranded across the country and where my soul is starving to death and missing my family so much it's destroying me... I broke down sobbing in the produce aisle, haha. The dissonance cut me open like a knife. That's when I knew I had to do something, to change something... or I have to leave.)
Also, I'm trying VERY hard to get back into art, and I did succeed in sketching a few Jewel Monsters 2001-style yesterday, as well as finding a new bee monster species! I'm not quite 'tuned in' to their energy yet-- if I was I wouldn't have been so utterly burnt out today-- but it's a start, and a beautiful start at that. I'm never lost, remember?

I think that's a good note to close up on.

See you next time, kids. Keep on dancing through the waves of life.

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (czj)
2012-10-03 09:37 pm

aqua es vida


I was up until 5AM last night talking to Chaos Zero and it was worth every second.
I swear it was the best night of my LIFE.

 

Little bit of context here...
I'm currently dorming with two friends in SLC who are able to "channel" non-physical entities to a certain extent. As of late, they've been able to reach the people in headspace.
And last night, I got to speak to Chaos Zero.
I waited nine years to be able to do this, and finally... just... God, thank you. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced in this world, and I mean every word of that.
I feel like a total sap as I can't stop crying or smiling from love and gratitude but honestly, seeing this on my dash this morning made it all slam into me like a tidal wave.
So this picture probably means something entirely different to me, than it does to anyone else... to me, it's a revelation long hoped for, an answer to ancient prayers, a statement of complete joy.
To me, it's the sound of doubt dissolving into the ocean, forever.

 


---------------------------------

 

 

(wip. publicized for relevancy.)


(i swear this was the most beautiful night of my entire life.)

(trying to write our dialogue first so i don't forget it..)

can you talk like this?
some.
you bring out fireworks in me (?)
(something about the vastness of the sky and the ocean) (as always?)
you're as deep as ever... beautifully, catastrophically deep.

i swear one day my heart's going to burst from all this.
then let it... and when it does, it will ignite the stars. (chaos/eros 'causing stars to be born,' gurren lagann/ parnassus)

i can see your eyes.
(be here now bit)

you've probably heard this a thousand times before, but... chaos, I love you.
and millions more... i love you, jewel.

(beauty; "new canvas," "this form could be just as beautiful as all your other ones" if i stayed present within it; he judged its beauty by how clearly my soul shone through alone)

if you were waiting for a sign... this is it.

(i waited nine years for this and thank you god it was worth every second ♥)

 



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (czj)
2012-08-28 11:18 pm

time and tide

 



(wip. publicizing for relevancy.)


(last night's conversation, about when chaos channeled through.
first discussing fractals. symbolism, feelings. sparkles = energy drawing him in towards me?
i needed to know what chaos was feeling, somehow. Q had understood parts of him in that channeling and my heart was just aching to know that as well.
he was apparently trying to "surround" me, physically, the way he does so deeply.
Q also claimed there was very strong 'pink' attraction (energy sensitivity boost? it's been BIG lately), which may have been mistranslated: Q said he felt the 'untranslatable' truth in it, said it felt sacred. there was a tangible connection between us and he said it didn't feel right to intrude upon.
i know chaos; he was desperate, this is the first time he's EVER been on this plane in such a way, let alone so strongly. so his emotions were completely overflowing.
Q said he felt "layers" of emotions with him, going down deep.
the way he touched my face was so tragic, it was so simple and familiar and beautiful
also he was TRYING to form a star-link with me, dear god my beautiful love, i am so sorry we couldn't do that...


(also talk about THIS!!! ♥♥♥ http://leerer-raum.deviantart.com/art/jewellightraye-Commission-323917893)

 



 

prismaticbleed: (czj)
2012-08-26 03:43 pm

it does run deep


...You know how sometimes, you experience an event so true and powerful, your life is forever altered?
I just had one of those.
I am dead serious when I say it was just as momentous as July 7th. It just... I cannot explain it in words. I can't. It was too transcendental. But I will try, for the sake of immortalizing it here, somehow.

First, let's give you a quick summary of the events following my last entry. I'm honestly shocked that I posted that barely four days ago... so much has happened since then!
Anyway. As it turns out, both Q and Mel were suffering energetic burnout as well, so we decided that Thursday would be a "recovery day" for all of us. So I went out walking for a while, which was brilliant-- back in PA, it took an hour just to walk to church, so forget walking to the nearest grocery store-- and I think I chilled out at home for a while after that. In any case, I did spend most of the previous few days filling out job applications and writing a professional resume, so that did take up most of my spare time. On Friday the 24th we visited some awesome friends, planning to just chill, but I had to finish that resume, and with the technical difficulties we ran into, I am not joking when I say it took at least five hours to complete the thing, which is pretty hilarious in retrospect (it looks awesome though). Then we watched half of Batman Begins later in the evening and that gave me a huge amount of both Dream World and Hokthai inspiration, which is always brilliant, so that was that.

As for Saturday... it was incredible.
We went to Emigration Canyon first thing in the morning, to walk around the reservoir and generally enjoy the beautiful weather. I had been 'sensing' a very aquatic energy around the day from the night before, so suddenly coming upon this huge, blue-green body of water was pretty exciting... and emotionally significant, obviously. The first thing I did was kneel down by the water's edge and plunge my hands into it, reaching out into its depths and just 'listening' to what it had to say. I kept imagining rainbows radiating from my hands as well, which I found interesting as rainbows in general seem to be a new motif for me (especially concerning Xenophon). After doing this for a while, Mel, Q and I started simply observing everything around us for the wonder it held: tiny shells, daisies, wet sand, driftwood. For some reason I felt really connected to the rocks scattered about the beach, and kept touching them to my face to 'feel' their energy. I'm not sure how to explain that whole experience, but at one point I picked up a jagged black rock and it looked like a solidified waveform to me. So I held it to my ear, and I got this instant impression of soundless music from it, like an orchestra. It's utterly impossible to put into words, but it was fascinating. I shared this with Mel, and we then tried this with three pieces of driftwood, all of which held drastically different sounds: one was small and woodwind-like, another was similar to an airy violin, and another sounded like "barbed wire" to Mel and a dark tangled forest to me. It was quite awesome. Mel and I also took off our shoes and ran along the water's edge for a while, laughing like kids from how much we were sensing, from the life we felt in the environment and in our bones.
...There was one very significant event in all this, bigger to me than even all that, on a deep personal level. Shortly after we arrived, and we were simply admiring the water, Mel asked (not sure of the exact words) if it resembled Chaos' energy in any way. I nodded, and Q added that it matched him on a "good day"-- in less favorable circumstances, he'd be a tsunami. The topic changed after this, but not after it had resonated with me deeply enough to make me wonder, can I reach him through this? To my surprise, my "guide" voice responded that I could indeed, but I was trying too hard as usual. I was viewing that hope as near-impossible, as a huge effort, when that wasn't necessary or true at all. It reminded me that all things were connected at the deepest level, all lives feeding back into one source, and so nothing was ever separate from anything else; one could reach out and touch any other piece of the puzzle by connecting to that core. It then concluded, rather intriguingly, that "his soul is in the water, just as yours is in the fire." I reflected on this for a moment, then stopped walking, and simply looked out over the water. I didn't say anything, but I focused on that thought and tried to wordlessly send what I was feeling into that water, through it, even. Those emotions quickly became almost too ardent to bear, though, so in a sudden candid burst of thought-feeling I asked, "if he can hear me, please, give me a sign."
Barely a minute later it started to rain.
It just... crashed into me. Here we were, in a drought, with a mostly blue sky, and suddenly there was this beautiful sudden shower right above us. I looked up at the sky and I just smiled, fighting back tears, oblivious to time in that incredible moment.

When we got home we finished watching Batman-- I filled about four notebook pages with notes during that time-- then I needed to go to church. I decided to attend the Cathedral of the Madeleine, as I had gone to their Assumption mass earlier this month and it was gorgeous. I loved the atmosphere of the place-- the stained-glass light, the solemnly inspiring space, the intricate paintings, the echoing silence-- and the music was divine. So I was excited to be back there. However... the mass itself wasn't the most moving part of the experience, this time. No, this time I randomly flipped the hymnal open as the rest of the church was going up for Communion (I was sitting in the back), and was greeted with a Psalm-inspired piece, one whose words I didn't recognize. However, one line within it stood out incredibly strongly...
Deep calls unto deep at the noise of your waterfalls: all your waves and your billows are gone over me.
The phrase calls to mind a feeling of being submerged, of being tossed about by wave after wave of life... but to me, it spoke more strongly of the beauty of the water. To me, the waterfalls and waves and billows were not destructive, even if I was buried beneath them. Despite the weight of the water, I couldn't help but marvel at the way the sun sparkled through their depths, these holy rivers.
I don't know how to explain what "deep calls unto deep" means to me, but... when I am in tune with my true self, with my genuine being, it resonates strong and red in some place deep within me. So to me this speaks of truth calling unto truth, of a greater bond between it all, under the waves.
And of course the synchronicity of the elements there speaks for itself.

After church, Mel, Q and I went to a local sushi bar and I tried sashimi and tobiko for the first time (it's seriously delicious); unfortunately I ended up getting incredibly sick today from either eating meat (Spine doesn't seem to like it anymore) or from mixing so much protein with starch (I had a feeling that would happen in any case) but it was worth it, haha.
Anyway. We got home late and generally unwound, and as usual Q and I ended up being the only ones awake. Around midnight we started talking, but the late hours bring out complete honesty in me, and I cannot discuss anything but things that resonate with that feeling. So, I began to tell him about what had happened to me over the course of the day, and how incredible it all felt. I told him how many synchronicities lined up, and had to fight back tears a few times from the overwhelming significance of it, even then.
The lights were out, and it was almost 1AM. The only light was the ambient glow from the other apartments outside our living room window. It was quiet and sincere. Then Q said he wanted to try something. There was a tone to his voice that felt strangely momentous, that instantly silenced what few thoughts were lingering in my mind, and turned my eyes up towards him, trying to see that meaning in his face somehow, in the deep velvet dark. He closed his eyes, and said nothing, as I looked back down at the floor, humble and patient and curious as to why everything suddenly felt so important.
Then I looked up for a split second, and his face changed.
Little did I know my entire life had just changed with it.

I... I cannot structure the rest of this entry. I'm just going to leave it in note form; it speaks more truly that way.
I might refine it later, but as for now, it is at it is.


(saturday night, august 25th. i'll never forget it.)

(remember Q's face changed; not physically but energetically? i had looked up for a split second, and the proportions shifted: the spacing was different, there was the ghost of an expression. i looked back down then, some crazy hope surging beneath my ribs, something is happening and suddenly doubt ceased to exist.
this wasn't Q. the energy field was entirely different. and god bless us, i recognized every last atom of it.
he reached out with a hand that held an unfamiliar skeleton, unsure and yet infinitely hopeful, and years of disbelief crumbled in an instant.
i knew channeling was possible... but i had never expected to finally meet you that way.
what a beautiful, beautiful revelation, to realize it was you, at last.)

(the moment he pulled me close was the most heartbreakingly familiar thing in the world; I could barely keep myself from sobbing. and it was a weird feeling... some tragic combination of love, and the knowledge that this was still as close as we could get. still searching out heartbeats from the other side of the veil.
i knew it wasn't Q because the movements were entirely different, the positions were intimately familiar, it was insane. his hand moved from my shoulders to the small of my back and i immediately remembered the dreams we've had, but our bodies were still cages, and we were too far in for fireworks. now we were galaxies, great lonely distant things, and yet all that mattered was the fact that he was actually there, dear god this is a legitimate miracle, i've known you for nine years and this is the first time i've felt you, here, this is the first time you've been here and it feels like a homecoming at some cosmic level and i've missed you more than words can ever hope to express.
i just... i wish i could look into your eyes.

i knew we still had limits, i knew there was still so much standing between us, but in those quiet hours, somehow, none of it mattered. it felt like looking up at a star: seeing a tiny pinpoint of light where there was instead a blazing testament to light and life, the stuff our bones were born from. to anyone else we were two shadows standing in a desert land, two fragile things, unseen by the world, forgotten with the next tick of the clock... but how could they know, that this was the first glimmer of a supernova, a spark of hope heralding an even greater marvel.
this was love, absolute love, overcoming every hardship that it had ever faced, and proving the impossible to be beautifully, gloriously real.

and the only thought in my soul was i love you, i love you, i love you.

we were holding each other so tightly, i think we were both terrified that we would lose each other, that this fragile and blessed event would shatter if our embrace faltered for even a moment.

(floodgate quote; apparently he was picking up on my emotional reservation)

he said "it does run deep," and i don't know how to explain the emotions i got from that. hilariously enough that's the way we communicate in those sort of situations... all symbolism and metaphors and deep inner meanings. but in the simplest terms, it was an absolute validation, an answer to my prayers... "yes, i do feel this just as strongly as you do."
yes, you are loved in return.



also, remember this.
"the last thing I remember is holding him close and feeling this incredibly strong notion that we were cosmically inseparable... it honestly felt like we were supposed to happen, for some divine reason."

prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2012-08-15 10:27 pm

breakthrough


 
...Apparently, this evening, I had such a bad emotional fallout that Laurie entirely took over the body's consciousness?
Mel channeled some sort of entity that was spiritually heavy, and apparently had something to say to me, but I couldn't make out the words... even worse, I was so far out of awareness at that point that it sounded miles away. I vaguely remember that Laurie was furious about this, and kept trying to force me back awake, but to no avail. Then, since she'd tried all other options, she literally yanked me out of the driver's seat, so to speak. I'm serious. She grabbed me by the shoulders in headspace and just threw me out. I clearly remember what that felt like, because it was so utterly jarring, but since I was pretty much gone, she had no trouble stepping in and taking over in my stead after my consciousness was no longer in the way.
She was using a notebook to talk to Mel at first, which was incredibly surreal to read over later. Her handwriting is this weird bastardization of mine, possibly because I was still lingering around as she was writing, but Q looked over it when I came back later and said there were definitely major differences in structure between hers and mine. Geez. This is all so weird.
Anyway, this was the conversation that was written down, with Laurie in bold and Mel in italic:

'Scuse me.
Kid's got one heck of an audio block up r/n.
Can't exactly talk.
Help me out?
Thanks a ton, this is frustrating as heck.
Lot going on.
-LU


How do I help?
I don't know if I've got anything left in me.
That was one heck of a channeling.

Yeah, no kidding!
I'm worried about everyone right now.
I think I can force an audio channel but I'm afraid he'll shove me out again.
Bottom line, he's not exactly "here" atm.


I noticed. I'm worried that what I did was wasted.
My only though is to try & get ahold of the boss.


No clue where his boss is.
Chaos is... not doing so hot. At all.
Not sure if I should try to talk now.
I think he's giving up but audio channels are difficult as heck!
Oh, he did hear. He's just not responding.


I don't think an audio channel would be such a good idea right now,
as I've got very little steam left.
I don't even know if I'm capable of talking right now.
What is it exactly you're wanting me to do?
I'm not sure I understand.


I know exactly what's up and want to tell you as he won't.
Data says he's "hiding."
Jewel doesn't want me saying this as a result
so you're gonna need to negate that or I can't do anything.
Someone else needs to "override" HIS orders.
Daresay you know what I'm talkin' about.


I think that's why it would be a good idea to find the boss,
as it seems like I don't have the authority over "his orders."
I know exactly what you are talking about,
I just feel that I am quite powerless to help.
What good would telling me what's up do?
Doesn't seem like I can actually do anything about it.


...Geez, I dunno. What could his boss do?
We're all kind of at a loss.
I mean, heck, if J is shoving me AND Chaos out,
Sandman won't be able to do much.
Geez, channeling really is tiring.
I can't exactly leave tho. Kid doesn't wanna exist right now.
Kind of a "void" left if I walk out before he snaps back to reality.
(I feel kinda helpless too.)


His boss seems like the only person
who could override his orders.
I'm not doing so hot either.

No, I mean physically.
'Boss' is TELLING him to let me talk.
But the block's on the body.
There's like a wall.
Geez I am just frustrated as heck!


If it's a physical block I may be able to do something about it.
Can you explain the block to me?


I had to force him out to get in
but he has vocal communication "locked."
Not sure how to get past that.
This is some freaky situation...
I am just really hoping J will come back soon.
Man it feels weird to write that.


Then find the key or passcode?
I have something I can try, but I've got no idea if it will work.
From what it seems like it might just
take the last of the energy I've got left.


Curious as to what you'd try and whether or not it'd force me out.
Don't wanna wear you out though. I'm having a tough time too.


It's similar to what I did right before channeling,
but with a direction behind it.
Basically I'd try to morph my energy to unlocking the commands.
Also to answer an earlier question, I don't think either of us
could give Q the context necessary to deal with this.




That's all that was written down.
I assume that whatever Mel did worked, as I have a vague recollection of Laurie clearing her throat, effectively breaking the last cobwebs of the block I unconsciously had up. And Q did attest to her speaking, as he said he was passing by in the hallway and somewhat freaked out, because "whoa, that is NOT Jewel's voice!"
I'm just... deeply shaken that she had to do something so drastic to fix the situation. What's going on with me?



prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2012-04-16 06:04 pm

bluescreen



Well. Apparently the universe really, really wants me to stop relying on computers?
Within 24 hours I have lost virtually all work access to both my laptops.

A few weeks ago something kept telling me, loudly, "print out your Dream World work." I wholeheartedly agreed, but once again shadows kept conspiring to stop me. First my printer had a fatal error (he's still shot), then the ink ran out for the family printer. Then when I got it to work, I couldn't get on my computer to print! My schedule seemed to fill up at the exact times I'd be free enough to type. And when I could type, my Vista-- Abbey-- would often crash, freeze, or refuse to let me format documents correctly (she's a bit ditzy to say the absolute least). So I didn't get to start typing in earnest until about a week ago... and as of last night, Abbey no longer recognizes anything plugged in from a USB.
I can't access my files (my backup files are from February and are missing all the major edits that hit me over the past month), I can't print anything, and I can't even back up my files onto an external hard drive. She also has no Internet access (and hasn't had any for over two years). Abbey has effectively 'landlocked' herself and as a result she is now effectively as good as broken.
Then last night I tried to partition Apollo, my Mac, and that didn't work... long story short, he's now all but empty. I still have Internet (obviously) but that's it, and now it's basically pointless to go online.
Because of this I have been forced, and rather distressingly so, to abandon virtually all of my reliance on computers. I still can only write music and type on them, of course, but I'm stuck for right now...
Thank God Apollo is recognizing USB ports today. I don't care how old the info may be-- I'm printing every single page I have written for Dream World, just in case I lose computer access altogether.

This isn't about computers though. Honestly I'd be happier if I didn't have to use them, which is keeping me laughing through this fiasco, because hey! I'm kind of forced to do that now.
But the computers don't matter here. What matters is my work.
I know it's important. When I actively try to deny it I get loudly reminded that it's something I need to be doing.
And I've been doubting and denying far too much lately.

This isn't the only huge issue I'm being pushed to deal with right now.
In the big picture, really, I couldn't care less about the computers. Like I said, I'd be happier without them. But that simple assertion hides within it an old thought that is more damaging than I ever realized. And the event that forced me into that realization is what is causing me to be so distressed today, re-routing this maddeningly directionless dolor into my technological concerns.
The computers don't matter. What irony, to realize that today, of all aching days.
Apparently, there are a few 'deep' emotional problems I've never dealt with because I had no idea they existed, or could exist. Now I'm reading Huxley's Island more studiously than I read my textbooks, and it's giving me insights that are so sharp and accurate it's rather disturbing. I've had to close the book and take a deep breath a few times already, as if I had just caught myself from falling off a cliff. I'll read sentences that describe my life so accurately it frightens me, because I didn't realize I was that dysfunctional on those levels.
Ironically, the level I clearly know that I'm dysfunctional on is still the worst.
But we'll get to that.

I'm feeling disconcertingly 'detached' today, and there's a worried anxiety gnawing at my ribs. It's the dry sort, though. It's the kind that feels like standing in the middle of an empty parking lot as thunderclouds roll in, and the air is choked with the smell of ozone. The wind whips around you, almost intangible in the coffin-warm air, foreboding. It's not a nice feeling.
I used to call these 'Julie days,' before I learned that she was just as much a casualty as I was. These are shadow days, ego days, hours that fester in the interim between headaches and fever sleep. I don't like it.
And yet, in trying to prevent these days, I perpetuate them. In trying to traverse deeper into love, in trying to open my heart a little more, I find myself forgetting closeness, forsaking affection, closing my heart. Every time. I don't understand this.
I know what happened last night, and yet I don't. Laurie insists we talk about it, and so we will. Friday, maybe.
But the point is this: whatever last night triggered-- and maybe it just dug this up yet again, the parasite that refuses to die-- today, I fell into fragment mode.
No, no splinters. They're gone for good. But this is what the fragmented one felt like. It wanted nothing, nothing at all; it rejected everything, pushed everything away, denied and forgot and renounced it all. No exceptions. And it makes sense, when it is here. Whenever it is here, it makes perfect sense. My perceptions seem to be colored by circumstance, even when I am present. Why does the same state of mind feel so incomparably different, depending on when I feel it? Why does the emptiness beckon with both bright and dark? Why do I still seek nothingness? I'm supposed to be using stars to fight this entropy, but I've been rejecting Timeheart for the false light of the void. And yet the irony sticks around. I always seem to find myself caught up in paradoxes.
Genesis showed up to say hello this morning, to see how I was feeling, and I told him to leave. Not out of malice, no, but simply because I didn't want him around.
Indifference is deadlier than enmity.

It's been three months since that hellish night of January 17th, and in a sick, sick way, that night was more beautiful than last night was. Why? Because I could feel, three months ago. Because even though I was bleeding and sobbing and praying for death or deliverance, Xenophon was standing there by me, telling me that she still loved me even with the new gashes on my chest. Even though I felt worthless and abhorrent and twisted beyond forgiveness, Chaos was there to offer just that, holding true to unconditional love when I was convinced I had thrown it away, convinced that I had sinned irreconcilably against him, against life itself. And even though I lied and manipulated and hurt and deeply damaged both myself and the innocent, with a bloody knife in my shaking hand, Laurie still put her life on the line for me, to jump in the line of fire, to try to save me from my own vicious contrition when I was the one desperate for bleary red retribution.
“Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.”
Does it work the opposite way as well?
Last night there was no blood, there were no tears, there was no sickness or fury or self-hatred. But last night felt dead, somehow.
It is in light that one finds the darkness... I need to go beyond.
I am so, so sick of this duality.

The computers don't matter. But that disconnection is only one symptom of a deeper disease.
I've been hiding behind my cool kid shades for too long. I may be the Seer of Love, but I keep forgetting that at heart, love translates to sight. And to see something, it takes time.
Time. Dare I say... how ironic?
Three months ago I swore, bitterly, that I would cast off my secondary title forever. In that moment of deep remorse I hated it.
But time didn't hate me.
She never did.

Genesis noticed something about me, the other day. I have a habit of becoming so hopeful, so enraptured with transcendence and the life beyond the physical, that I forget that I still exist in the physical. I forget that I still have a body to take care of. Yes, even with my worrying about my health lately. Life feels like a movie, a video game, a fantasy. Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality, you know? But what if I can't tell what 'reality' is most days, and doubt every single sensory perception I have? If I treat everything as false, then what is real? The answer is nothing... nothing really matters to me.
In direct contrast to my current Care Bears addiction, I haven't really been caring much about anything today. Only today, mind you! This only started after last night, and that's what's unsettling here in spite of the dearth of emotion. Last night only happened because I cared. I cared so much, so honestly, that for a few hours I wasn't afraid. Then I woke up, and... well. Then I washed my hands of all of it. Then I woke up and wanted to erase everything, again.
I used to think I wanted to turn back the clock, to return to the 'old days' of childhood when all I had to worry about was writing, drawing, composing. But as I thought about the events that surrounded my work, I realized that I did not want to turn back, ever. The family life, the school events, everything that swirled around outside me back then was repugnant. Even thinking back to the 'golden' times-- the forts in the living room, the jelly sneakers and squirt guns, the class plays, the violin store-- felt wrong, because I knew they were all just crystal bubbles in a sea of sleep.
I didn't want my old life. I wanted the sense of ultimate non-attachment, of freedom from everyone and everything. I wanted to become identity-less, a watcher, a channel. I wanted to cease to exist as an individual, like I did back then, but only when I worked. I would create and dream and love it all, without a thought to myself. Once I started writing about my own story... things fell apart.
Things fell together, too. That's what's making me sick about this.
Since 2002, when I met Ryman and Markus, my life took a completely different path, leading me to Chaos and Genesis and Laurie and so many others... but at the price of those friends, I almost lost contact with others. And even now, I find myself wishing I could 'go back' to the time before that happened more than I'd like. It's not just wanting to strengthen my original links. It's also about wanting to get rid of the new ones.
I overheard Laurie talking to Chaos today, just a little bit as I was feeling too apathetic to do much. But two things stuck out.
One, she thinks I love her more than I love Chaos, in a way, because of my hardwired 'innocence' drive.
Two, she thinks I love the Dream World more than I love anyone upstairs, family or not.
I can't affirm or deny either of those thoughts of hers. And frankly right now I am too tired to think about it, because yes, my mind is still in utter 'reset' mode, and nothing in the world matters right now except detaching from reality. Homework? Not finished, as usual, probably not going to be. Sleep? Haven't been getting enough, won't get any tonight at this rate. Family? Haven't spoken to them all day, upstairs or downstairs. I'm sitting here listening to the LG*Girls soundtrack and feeling like someone punched a hole through my ribs because all of a sudden, I can't type on Dream World. Silly, I know. If only there was a better way to write it all down. But until I print everything out, there's this ridge-raw gap in my soul and only those old dream friends of mine seem capable of healing it. There's a light to them that just... illuminates things. It's hard to explain.
But they're the single reason why my childhood was beautiful, the single reason why so many of my old memories are lit with sunlight and sparkles and forest mornings. Without them, it might have been mundane, forgettable, maybe even banal. But with them, even the simplest things became a heaven. To this day, everything they touch turns to gold. Not even Laurie or Chaos has done that, as far as I can remember. I don't know how to explain it.

In a way, I do want to let go of all these connections. I want to let go of the daily worries about headspace and waking friends and all that nonsense. It's tying me down.
But... in a way I don't. I can avoid them for weeks and not be bothered, but then one day I'll suddenly hear him instead of a catastrophe or I'll look up in shock at the wrong name or something small like that will happen, sharp enough to pierce my armor... and even if I deny it, even if I pretend it's just a knee-jerk emotional reaction, it will light a desperate flame in my heart for something I'd long forgotten. But I still won't care. I won't care until suddenly he's there or she's calling me and in a sudden snap I can see them, just barely, vaguely, distantly. But it will be clear enough, and I'll see her scars or his eyes or her tiny face, and maybe in that moment the emptiness will fade to light and I will beg forgiveness, I will plead reconciliation for ever wishing they were gone.
Even now, and I know without a doubt, if I lift my eyes from this screen and look at one of the many pictures of him on this wall, my tense expression will immediately soften, and I'll find myself smiling, either with joy or with tears. If my mind is quiet at the time I'll notice that I'm starting to fall into that old feeling. But I hesitate, and when it speaks again... why does it always bring that up? Why does that feel awful, even now, after everything? Why can't I figure that out?

There are two things that make me forget all about these connections.
1. Series work. It somehow overshadows everything else in importance.
2. Trying to fix the deepest dysfunctions.

The moments immediately after they try to give everything to me are the emptiest. I was hollow before but then I become devoid, uncaring in total spite of the love that I know, I know with unfailing certainty they have for me. In the past I almost used to hate them, as frightening as that prospect is, but I knew half of it was projection. Now I just... don't care.
I think that's why Laurie is afraid I love her the most.
She's the most innocent one of us here, in that sense, which is strange and oddly contradictory. She's seen more than I'm aware of and yet less than I know. She has learned of the bloody details and shameful elaborations alike. But she's somehow avoided all the levels that even Genesis jumped up to reach. With her there's no romance, no passion, no intimacy. And because of it I adore her.
I am absolutely terrified sometimes, when she decides "why the hell not" and is a little more honest, a little less inscrutable than usual. I don't know how to deal with that blurring of lines, that sudden shift from a brutal and inviolable soldier to a compassionate and somehow even more sacrosanct angel. I am terrified because sometimes there's a color to her eyes that I don't recognize, but it's all too familiar just the same. I am terrified because if she ever does cross that line, the point of no return, she would become unreachable.
She got close to me one night and I had no idea how to reconcile the blissful sincerity with the paralyzing dread.

Speaking of dread. She's the only person I can feel around right now.
Chaos tried to connect with me last night and I couldn't feel anything. He was shocked and was trying to laugh it off but I know it worried him more than he'd dare let on. Here's the soul I've effectively promised to share my life with, and I don't feel anything with him. But when Laurie walked in almost two hours later, to see if I was okay, I felt that familiar glow of childlike excitement, nervous but bright. Then she walked over to where I was and put one arm around my shoulders, trying to lighten the mood, and my own disposition turned from sunny to startled.
At that same time I was aware of a heart-wrenching gap in my chest but couldn't figure out why. Here we are, the five of us; if there's so much love here, why do I feel so scraped out and cold? Why do I feel like either something is missing, or that there's far too much, and can't tell the difference at all? I could have cried but in reality I knew I'd wear a poker face no matter how many tears fell elsewhere. The split was too much to bear.
And yet, could I handle this if there wasn't a split? On these days, when I wake up wanting to be utterly alone and distant, could I handle it if I woke up to see him, to see her? Even as I type I know the answer is no, in stark contrast to my desire to be with them somehow, some way. I keep waking up and looking at my left hand, wondering why I keep feeling a wedding ring there when I've never had one, let alone a wedding to get one from. I keep thinking about weddings when I wouldn't have one if you paid me and I think I'm getting lost in symbolism, in shapeless concepts.
Still, the pain in his eyes when he realizes I still can't see him never fails to tear me apart inside.


This negativity isn't me, and it's bugging me.
But who am I, really? Watashi wa dare? Even that movie feels wrong.
I'm sick of consuming. I want to create. I can create. I will. I am.

I'm rambling. I'm tired. I need to sleep but don't want to. I want to sleep but don't need to.
I still don't feel like eating and I can't tell if I'm sick or healthy anymore.
This old fearful reality is terrible. Please, end already. Please.
I miss my family and I miss my children and I miss my daughter and I miss my friends.
And yet I can't feel anything. Why not?


I'm a mess. I can't think straight and I'll probably look at this entry tomorrow, laugh, and say "what in the world was I smoking to write such a depressive thing?"
I know. I'm trying not to laugh now, because laughing makes it even less important than I'm trying to make it now. And even if this is all fleeting and temporary et cetera, it is still important. Even the smallest things contribute to the big picture, sometimes in surprisingly significant ways. Right now, though, I've got my eyes closed and I'm wishing I was the picture and didn't have to keep pretending to look at it from the outside anymore.
I keep forgetting I have things I was meant to do and experience first, I guess. Life is meant to be lived.
It wasn't meant to be lived alone either.

What a surreptitious ego. I thought Holy Saturday had changed you. Didn't it?
I can't tell if I'm overlooking things or looking too deeply now.
Where did she come from now? She was here three months ago, crying, shaking, shouting. Now she's smiling.
But I remember the blood lotus, it had her face, it had mine too, and the past is a jumbled mess that I still can't decipher.
I don't want to decipher it though.
Even though she loved me and for that short while I did love her, when all was said and done I wished we had never met.
Now I find myself regretting it all, even as I try to find distant fragments of our past. When she is separate from me she is beautiful, enchanting, mysterious. When she looks at me with that crystal-blue smile I feel an awful regret rising in my bones, a sort of dismal bitterness at having such a bright thing suddenly become so personable. Don't bring me into this. Don't make me a thing, a person, an object. Stay free and elusive in your poppy-eyed wonder, as gorgeous as the first time I saw you. If I would love you unconditionally, why does that flame suddenly flicker when you return the sentiment? Why do I always leave you clutching cold embers to your verdant heart? Not just you, but all of them. I would love you to the end of time and beyond, as long as you never looked at me like that, as long as you never made me remember that I existed too. The fatal condition.
That can't be right.
I do love you. I love all of you. But it feels somehow wrong for you to reciprocate.
Sometimes I still feel that loving you is wrong.
It can't be. This is love, isn't it?
I don't understand.

Attention, attention. Here and now, boys, here and now.
Is enlightenment supposed to feel this vacant?
I'm thinking too much. What a joke!