prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)
2025-04-04 11:04 am

phone entries = apr 2025


041425

 
confession notes from today=

When struggling with extreme emotion/ impulsivity due to fear+panic, OFFER THAT IMMEDIATE MOMENT UP TO GOD and ASK HIM TO TURN IT INTO A PRAYER. Literally give all you've got to Him. And KEEP DOING IT. Sit in that awful emotion but GIVE IT TO GOD and don't turn away from Him. Make it your Gethsemane.

Also, do an examen at the end of each day, and when looking at events/ moments/ thoughts/ feelings/ actions/ etc., ask= did that bring me CLOSER to God? Or did it push me AWAY from God? HOW SO, in each instance? Be CLEAR and SPECIFIC.

For example, I used to fear that my eating disorder actually brought me CLOSER to God because all the pain/ fear/ suffering/ etc. DROVE ME TO FRANTIC DESPERATE PRAYER and so those hours would be spent largely hysterically praying and/or watching/ listening/ reading RELIGIOUS things. But THOSE THINGS ARE NOT "INHERENT" TO THE DISORDER.
What was actually "driving me closer to God" was SUFFERING? and CONTRITION? and the DESIRE TO STOP THE DISORDERED BEHAVIOR? because when the worldly "Jess" mindset takes over that likes to eat, SHE DOESN'T PRAY. SHE DOESN'T CARE. That's why when we're eating with the family we basically become a HEATHEN SLOB. There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE.


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042425

WHO IS MY ENEMY?
WHY DO I SEE THEM AS OPPONENTS?
HOW CAN I LOVE AND SERVE THEM?
WHAT EXCUSES AM I MAKING?


MOM
She's STILL somehow an enemy. WHY.
I hate going up her house. "Loving her" = doing work for her assumedly? But it's SO STUPID??? IT'S JUST MOVING JUNK AROUND & WASTING TIME??
How do I know that for sure? Can I "serve God not people" even in doing such pointless labor? How can I do this without feeling like I'm ENABLING bad habits like hoarding? Or is that MY EXCUSE for not wanting to be at that HOUSE?
⭐ALSO I "HATE" MY PAST & DON'T WANT TO GO BACK, I WANT TO DISOWN IT, BUT SHE (AND THAT HOUSE) "INCARNATES" IT.
Is THAT a root of the hate??

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prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)
2025-03-21 09:29 pm

phone entries = mar 2025

 
030125

BRO TYPE ABOUT THIS!!!!
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/maclaren/2_thessalonians/1.htm

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030925

Transgender "gender feeling" fallacy =
MY "DEFINITION" OF "FEMALE" IS BROKEN!!!!
I ONLY EVER "FEEL FEMALE/ LIKE A GIRL" WHEN I'M SINNING!!!
Similarly, the term "woman" is SO UGLY/ POISONOUS to me; calling myself a "woman" IS EQUAL TO SAYING "I AM A RAPIST/ ABUSER"

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031425

 TRAUMA NIGHTMARES =
ANGEL DUST AS A "PLACEHOLDER" FOR INFINITII!!!


ALL physical realities reflect deeper SPIRITUAL realities
"I don't need food" = rejecting SPIRITUAL food = GOD!!
REMEMBER THE EUCHARIST. BE CAREFUL!!
This is WHY God WON'T "erase" your hunger!! It reflects a TRUTH!

(Also BTW remember the dream around 0317(?) With Xander REDEEMED (angelic) helping me & grandpa??

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032025

Rosary visualization, unplanned =
My TRUEST INNER SELF is a HOLY CHILD about 7 YEARS OLD
And FEMALE

Jesus CAN GET ME OUT OF STAIRWELLS AND WALK THROUGH DOORS!!!

My "adult self image" CHANGES DRAMATICALLY BASED ON COLOR!!!
BROWN is TRAUMATIZED FEMALE SINNER GLUTTON.
RED is CANNON??
REDVIOLET?? is JEWEL LIGHTRAYE??
WHITE is "PRISM"?? ALSO "JAY"

CAN the Core hold OTHER colors???
Also DUOTONE!!!

BTW TILLY ACTUALLY HAS BLACK HAIR!!! SHE JUST WEARS A WHITE VEIL!!!


Today's devotional heavy hitters =
"When we love others, we are reflecting the love that God has for them. That is why it matters how we treat people. Our actions are a reflection of how God has loved us."
SO IF YOU DON'T LOVE OTHERS, YOU'RE DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU DON'T FEEL/ BELIEVE/ TRUST THAT GOD LOVES YOU.
It shows that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.

"We love God by worshiping Him and praising Him. We love others by doing good to them and sharing with them.
How are you doing at loving God and loving others? Do you spend time each day in Scripture and prayer, praising God for who He is? If we don't love God first and foremost, we won't be able to truly love other people in our lives."

God has taken away all my "opportunities for service" because I AM UNFIT. I am too vicious & scandalous yet. I need to be HEALED first. (So God PLEASE HEAL ME)

For YEARS-- literally TWO DECADES-- I've been at war with my body, with sex, and with food. The three are synonymous, effectively. It's a hell I can't seem to escape from. And yet... looking back on both the Archives and what little "blind" trauma sensory memory i have access to, I am actually currently doing BETTER than I EVER have before. That seems bizarre, as it's still a living nightmare, but it's true. I thank the Lord God Almighty on my increasingly bony knees for that. I credit His Grace entirely, and therefore for getting me into daily Bible Study and Prayer, with Mass and Adoration whenever possible. The channels are open where they weren't in the past, not even for Tilly. That has made a world of difference.

...and yet I can't seem to stop, yet. Jesus keeps saying "it's your hunger" but He won't take it away because "I need it" for higher purposes too. "Same with desire" apparently, which i hate so keenly I'd murder it in sight but I guess it's hiding in this cursed ravenous destructive impulse that hits whenever I eat more than 500 calories a day.
It's not eating so much as it's annihilation, by the way. The main point of EVERY "binge" is to DESTROY the food. "Get rid of the threat/ danger/ enemy/ evil." The ONLY reason I even binged today is because we had carrots in the house, "bravely" tried one slice, then another, and then "poison panic" hit so "now we have to eat them all and throw them up" because apparently that's how you detox so you won't die from carrot infection. It's insane.

I hope to God we can get through the next three days "green." We mark the calendar now. This month has too many red "X-es". It's disturbing & depressing.
The rule is, I'm not allowed to sleep in bed until we get three clean days in a row. I had ONE bed day last month I think. Besides that, I literally haven't slept in my own bed since like... July.
That's really sad.

Does this count as a "cross" if it's literally a vice? Aren't crosses supposed to be "for good people"? How ironic. "Grandma was a wonderful, pure woman, with a clear conscience and a solid reputation for charity and good works. THEREFORE, she was given the heavy cross of lung cancer and severe neuropathy SO THAT her suffering would UNITE HER TO CHRIST and therefore GET HER TO HEAVEN." That's how I've always understood it.
On the contrary, "Jessica is a rebellious, self-willed, bratty, brazen girl who is cruel to her brothers and disobedient to her parents. She is a master manipulator, a spiteful bully, a petty thief, and a budding sadist. She will grow up into a violent, angry, useless waste of flesh, a dishonor and disgrace to her family. She will be a perverted whore, a robber of widows, a conpulsive liar, a heartless backstabber, a lazy dirty slob, and-- most of all-- a selfish, wasteful, destructive glutton. Her daily life is defined by sin. THEREFORE, Jessica DOESN'T GET A CROSS, because she doesn't deserve to suffer for Christ. Devils like her go straight to hell. She is rejected and isolated from the Church both on earth and in heaven. She gets no part of it. Nobody wants her. Only Satan wants her, to murder her for all eternity. THEN she will suffer."
...Why is THAT how it works for me??
This daily life, this horrible eating disorder, IS ALREADY HELL AND I HATE IT. the problem? This body LIKES to have food. This body WANTS to keep eating once I start. It feels like I'm DOOMED to fail, like I'm "locked in" to this warzone. I don't want to eat. I hate it. And whenever I try, this happens. And its torture. But that's my point-- I'm already in hell, but I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. I just apparently CANNOT, and that is terrifying.
Only God can get me out of here. Why hasn't He done so yet? This is a SIN!! He cannot "want" me to stay here! So what's going on? Is it just my weakness? Is it just the fact that i "could have" been free & safe today IF I had resisted the carrot terror? Or yesterday, if "feeling safe" wasn't scarier than forcing fear & anxiety? Or the weekend, if I didn't "give in to healthy compulsions" that I was too afraid to actually eat and so ended up destroying "to be safe"? Or never saying "no" to mom forcing unhealthy and/or triggering foods on me, out of fear that in response she'll reject me at last? Or what about the countless times I buy and eat and purge in tears the foods that remind me of grandma? They won't bring me back to her. But they do give me memories I can't reach otherwise, immersive memories of being a small child, standing in her kitchen at night, with nothing else existing but home and her. I can't even FIND those memories apart from the foods they're ATTACHED to. It makes me want to weep. Those memories "aren't even mine" and yet I NEED them now more than the air I breathe, many nights.
And remember I used to do the same thing with TBAS.
I'm telling you, this grief will be the death of me.
But I don't want to die in sin, oh please God.

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032125
 
Atonement + death + resurrection + forgiveness etc. ALL CONNECTED in Christ's Passion =

"God renders them as right as Himself the moment they place trust in Christ’s death as payment for their sin. God henceforth treats them as judicially right in His eyes. They are right because God resolved His justice at the cross." & "Christians stand in Christ’s perfect righteousness before God eternally because they trust the blood of Christ to forgive them."

DO WE TRUST THIS???
IS THIS TIED TO INFI'S DEATH TOO??? IS THAT WHAT GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH US???
CAN INFI NOT RESURRECT/ CAN WE NOT BE HEALED OF TRAUMA + E.D. UNTIL WE TRUST THIS PRICE HAD BEEN PAID IN LOVE???

ALSO "“Believed” means to be persuaded of, and hence, to place confidence in. When we believe in Christ, we place confidence in or credit Jesus as the only One who can save us from our sins. We entrust our entire eternal future to Christ Jesus. He is worthy of our trust."
IS ALL MY "TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW ATONEMENT WORKS / HOW I AM FORGIVEN / THE MECHANISM OF SALVATION" ETC. ACTUALLY PREVENTING ME FROM FAITH????

Also THIS HITS SO HARD =
"Justification is different. It doesn’t say, you have done wrong, but I will try to forget it. It focuses on the wrong done, and says squarely, this was wrong. This was very wrong. It was unjust. Since justice is God’s love spread around to lots of sinners, our sin violated love. It needs to be publicly declared wrong, publicly punished, so that all will know that justice must be served for such a wrong done. Justification says, your sin was displayed publicly as worthy of condemnation and terrible punishment in Christ. When we say that we believe Christ died for our sins, we are not just forgiven, we are justified. In our conscience, as believers, we feel that we MUST say that justice has been served for our sins, because otherwise we make His terrible death on our behalf of no account.
This is the big difference between forgiveness and justification. Forgiveness leaves justice on the table, it leaves sin unpunished but unjustified. Among the brethren, we have something greater than forgiveness with one another. We have the understanding that their sin against us has been declared unjust and wrong with vengeance and violence. It has been abundantly addressed. I don’t have to think that I am just trying to forget what they have done to me or that they are trying to forget what I have done to them. Forgetting is not the issue or the power of attorney here. The blood of Jesus Christ is the power, and it is most certainly sufficient... True forgiveness on our part acknowledges that [our] justification in Christ is sufficient, and I refuse to say otherwise. Forgiveness under Christ is stronger than mere forgetfulness, it is constantly putting the sins of [both ourselves and all others] under the terrible wrath displayed publicly on the cross... it accounts for the vengeance that our soul knows must be visited upon our various sins."


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prismaticbleed: (worried)
2025-02-28 10:07 pm

phone entries = feb 2025




020325
FIGHTING OCD COMPULSIONS OF "JUST RIGHT" + "CONTAMINATION" = THE THINGS WE TOUCH FEEL "DIFFERENT" (NOT "BAD"!) BECAUSE TOUCHING THEM GIVES US THEIR POWER?
(trying to reason with the ocd paidifoni about this)

WINDOW= POWER OF OPENING TO NEWNESS
METAL= POWER OF STRENGTH,
WOOD= POWER OF GROWTH, NATURE
CLOTHES= POWER OF MODESTY

THE FEELING OF BURNING IN OUR FINGERS MEANS THERE IS POWER IN THEM TO GIVE?
GOOD IS ALWAYS MORE POWERFUL THAN EVIL!!! GOOD PURGES THE BAD OUT EVERY TIME!!

ALSO= TOUCHING RED THINGS = BLOOD = PURIFICATION

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020425

"Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.”"
How does this relate, directly, to the eating disorder?

"When our trust in God wanes, our souls can seek satisfaction in counterfeit ways... This passage in James contrasts the deceptive and fraudulent pathway of sin vs. the pure and trustworthy gifts from God. Our soul will seek satisfaction in one way or another—we can choose the allure of immediate gratification or sin, or we can trust that God is who He says He is and will do what He said He will do.
Verses 17 in The Message translation says, “There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle.” 
...You may have been let down by others—we all have at one time or another. But God is reliable—a firm foundation, strong tower, and safe refuge. His love for you is vast, His motives for you are pure, and His intentions toward you are good."

In what areas are you lacking trust in God?
SEXUALITY, more than anything, actually. 
I honestly don't know how trust plays into FOOD? Unless its similar to sex, and deals with the POISON fear???

• Is it difficult or easy for you to believe that God is trustworthy?
Easy, BUT I'm scared of "what I'm trusting Him TO DO?" Like I know He's trustworthy, BUT I'm scared that His "good things" involve hurting me?? THAT'S CHILDHOOD PARENT FEAR!!!

• Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.” Have you experienced this in your life?

"Lord, increase my discernment when sin knocks at my door, and remind me of your abundant and trustworthy path. Amen."


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021625

OUR "REAL ME" DEPENDS ON WHAT LEVEL + VIBE FREQUENCY WE'RE TUNED INTO!!!
JESSICAS ARE "ROCK BOTTOM" NO HIGHER FEELINGS / HOPES??

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021725
OUTSPACER ROSARY!!

Lynne is too hyper Because it BELONGS IN YELLOW
Jo never fit it well Because he was HALF LAVENDER

We need to TEACH the Socials INTEGRITY

YOU CANNOT "OFFER UP" OR "SIT THROUGH" SUFFERING WITHOUT A MOTIVE OF ACTUAL LOVE!!!

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022125

Laurie REJECTING / REMOVING the "blood fluster" thing imposed on her; "this isn't mine" + "we NEED daengels back" TO hold things like that so they don't get shunted onto nousfoni

Triple bloodline emphasized so much. Jess / Jewel / Jay all functioning so differently.

ALSO realizing=
JACINTH "BLOODLINE" ABUSED BY JASMINE
JEWELS ABUSED BY JULIE
JAYS ABUSED BY PLAGUE??? Guys affected differently than girls; self-destructive versus murderous respectively

Big event of today =
"Accidentally" deleted religious tumblr.
It was putting our brain RIGHT BACK INTO 2019 MODE and that was SO TERRIFYING we brought up the delete screen and didn't realize it autosaved the password. So it's gone. Six years of performance and manipulation and selfdeath, deleted. And it's very sad that THAT is how we remember that Tumblr. The religious scrupulosity was largely a facade-- Tilly was hyperfocused on sin & shame & guilt-- and all the posting served to prevent any integration or practice of said religion.
I'm glad it's gone.

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022225
Actually felt comfortable for a moment on couch.
Brief thought, "is thus what a baby feels like" in theoretical ideal? Ironically this made me feel SO SCARED & UNSAFE that I rejected the comfort and got up

SLC flashbacks. Trying to remember details but nothing.
Only realizing that we couldn't cope because we couldn't fight back yet? We needed WRECKAGE. Back then all we had was CANNON, and she IMPLODED.

JESSICAS ARENT CORES!! THEYRE DAMAGED!! THEY HOLD ALL THAT NAME CORRUPTION AND PROTECT SOMEONE DEEPER DOWN

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022325

Pray for the POWER AND EXPERIENCE OF FORGIVENESS!
ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH GRACE + PRAYER
"YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE/KNOW; YOU CANNOT EXPRESS WHAT YOU CAN'T IMAGINE"!!!

"Love is patient, kind, etc." = is yours?

Love your enemies = who do you treat with APATHY? AVOIDANCE? etc.
You may not recognize your enemy at first but they are WHOEVER YOU JUDGE & LOOK DOWN ON / CRITICIZE / CONDEMN.

At home later=
Chaos talking about what my "scent" is, like on blankets & shirts. Saying it is worth cherishing b/c I'm the only one of us with a physical existence.
Laurie called him out for potentially being "too explicit" with such talk?
"Infi could talk about this more explicitly than I ever could"
"We all know ze's coming back"
"Infi is the only person besides the good Lord Himself who can be closer to Jay than I am"

PLEASE type about 1 Thessalonians 3:5-6 realizations
5: "Small apostasies"= compromises, esp. MOM COMMENTS
6: Love+faith = REMEMBERING OTHERS KINDLY/ WELL/ WITH JOY

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022825

THE DEVIL'S TRICK IN KEEPING ME IN ADDICTION LOOPS = HE MAKES ME DO IT "FOR OTHER PEOPLE "

ALSO BTW https://biblehub.com/greek/2719.htm



prismaticbleed: (worried)
2024-10-26 05:22 pm

tbhu distress tolerance worksheets = practicing skills





"SELF-SOOTHING" SKILL PRACTICE


101624


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
LOUD, BUSY, CHAOTIC grouproom environment; TOO MUCH TALKING, TV on, sensory overwhelm. Working busily on worksheets. NOT TAKING ANY TIME to GO INSIDE/UPSTAIRS and RE-CENTER IN HEART

SKILLS USED=
VISION, SMELL, TOUCH

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
"Hugged" self wearing soft pajamas, letting body relax comfortably in chair (release tension). Looked at lovely red shiny buttons, & pretty red swirl pattern like tree branches in the snow. Then smelled the fabric of the sleeve, which smells like ME (home/ safe) & was deeply comforting. Made me remember lying in bed with Chaos Zero; immediate peace

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
INSTANT, DEEP "SOOTHING/ COMFORTING" CALMED DOWN. Like melting away anxiety, or coming home after a long day. COMPLETELY took me OUT OF THE BUSY WORLD for a solid minute; fresh remembrance LINGERED in awareness, helping KEEP the peace. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 85
AFTER= 10

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
5


----------------------------

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Flashbacks to SLC while taking a shower. Vivid & very disturbing. Even Julie fronting to help wasn't making it go away. Harmonia trying to front brought in CNC flashbacks too, making it even scarier.

SKILLS USED=
VISION, SMELL, TOUCH

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I cleared my mind as much as I could and focused on the light glittering off the water, like sparkles. I looked at the light brown wall and the green-yellow-blue of the shower curtain. I smelled the peppermint soap. And I ended the shower with ICY water, like winter snow. 

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
It took my attention off of the bad flashbacks for a while. The moment I just looked at the sparkling water in sheer wonder filled me with a sudden and genuine joy. The icy water made me smile with sheer surprise. The peppermint smell was deeply comforting, like Christmas.

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 80
AFTER= 30

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3



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"STOP" SKILL PRACTICE



101624


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
"Fall Harvest Fest" at 11AM. Saw prep: DONUTS, CORNSTALKS, LOUD MUSIC, "BEANBAG TOSS," etc. IN BIG GROUPS WITH STRANGERS, UNABLE TO SAY NO OR ESCAPE. "Flashbacks" to CHILDHOOD/ CNC.

BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
CATASTROPHIZING about the "Fall Harvest Festival"

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
PAUSED & went upstairs. Deep breaths, talk to Laurie. Acknowledged my fear & bad memories, ALSO others' joy. DECIDED to "MAKE IT BETTER" by CHOOSING to FIND JOY & SHARE IT, for OTHERS' SAKES.

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
"CHRISTIAN REDEMPTIVE MISSON"!! "The past DOES NOT define the NOW!" I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE TO FIND & FEEL JOY EVEN NOW, and so TRANSFORM IT INTO A "GOOD MEMORY" = HEAL THE PAST!! Also, DO THIS FOR MOM. She LOVES this stuff, and I want to SHARE THAT WITH HER. (Also, Leon really wants that pumpkin pie ♥) MAKE THIS FUN!

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 9
AFTER= 6

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4 (DETERMINATION!)
(TOLERATED THE DISTRESS/ COPED IN REALTIME!)


-------------------------------------

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
EATING A SOY BURGER & DRINKING SOYMILK & PLANNING TO DRINK AM DRINKING ANOTHER FOR SNACK. CONVINCED THAT I'M STILL DEATHLY ALLERGIC. Every attempt feels like FACING DEATH. 

BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
TERRORQUIT/ DESPAIR RELAPSE/ ALLERGY PANIC LOOP

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
STOPPED by watching 6th Sense on TV with the group, to put distance between me/ panic. Reminded self that our allergist said we have NO TRUE ALLERGY to soy, and NO SYMPTOMS of concern. Others congratulated me on bravery. Decided to TRUST & BRAVELY TRY AGAIN. 

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
TRUSTING GOD & REASON. Others are proud of my brave efforts to FACE & CONQUER this fear-- which MY OWN ALLERGIST SAYS IS EXAGGERATED; SHE TOLD TEAM I DO NOT HAVE A SOY ALLERGY-- and I WANT TO LIVE UP TO THEIR FAITH IN ME. Dude I am EATING EGGS DAILY & NOT DYING. They had the SAME "WEAL" ON THE SKINPRICK TEST AS SOY. YOU WILL NOT DIE. TODAY PROVES IT. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)= 
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3 (GOTTA FACE IT AGAIN, AND FEEL THIS AS TRUE)


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"IMPROVE THE MOMENT" SKILL PRACTICE


101824


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
SOY NAUSEA & BRUTAL NIGHTMARES. 

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I= Going upstairs & just embracing Anxi, talking with her & consoling her
M= This suffering is strengthening my patience, courage, & COMMITMENT to CHOOSE JOY!
P= CAST ALL YOUR CARES UPON THE LORD, FOR HE CARES FOR YOU + Morning offering
R= Taking a hot/cold shower with PEPPERMINT soap, and wearing my softest outfit
O= Repeatedly bringing mind back to NOW/ grounding
V= doing FUN worksheets!
E= Anxi/ Laurie/ God/ peers/ staff ALL reminding me of MY TRUE CHARACTER

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
TOTALLY SHIFTED FOCUS. "VACATION" WORKED SO WELL??? I literally just focused on going through worksheets and it INTERRUPTED the intense loop, although the symptoms persist. But now the other letters have a better foundation to work from. And TRUST IN GOD!

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4 (SHOCKINGLY EFFECTIVE)


---------------------------

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Phone call with mom. Got NO support on my recent recovery victories; instead she focused on my past failures & even projected them onto the present. I felt unseen, unheard, invalidated, like I hadn't changed at all.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I= Upstairs with Chaos 0, Laurie, Anxi.
M= Journaled about it. Need to let go & stop basing my recovery validation on her.
P= Paula praying for me. Me reminding myself that God is proud of my progress.
R= Deep  breathing, letting my body relax as much as I could, willing hands.
O= Journal, worksheet. Also helps just looking at tablet mealplan calculation data.
V= Went outside & walked around in the night air, laughing at fantastic "foursquare" game
E= All my beloveds sharing my joy & struggle & sorrow & hope for real. We're TOGETHER in this.

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Still very sad, but able to accept reality. Holding on to the support I DO have, and holding on to my faith. Able to admit my own faults & forgive judgments towards mom. Still willing to communicate with her & hoping for a better relationship, but beginning to let go of this expectation. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= ?
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3


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"ACCEPTS" SKILL PRACTICE


102224

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS= 
PEANUT BUTTER CHALLENGE + HACK NIGHTMARE. Body feeling "flu sick" & nauseous. Risk of allergy panic & exaggerating symptoms (with the pb); flashbacks & despair/identity corrosion from hack. DON'T WANT THAT. But distress still occurring. 

SKILLS USED=
Distract with A.C.C.E.P.T.S.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
A= WORKSHEETS! Reading Matthew Kelly books, GROUP WITH ALYSSA
C= Talking to Paula & giving her encouragement & supportive advice in HER struggles & worries
C= I FACED IT BRO! AND I'M NOT HAVING ALLERGY PANIC! OR WANTING TO PURGE!
E= Thinking about Anxi & Phlegmoni & JMC (peanut butter santas), SMILING/ laughing
P= Flat-out NOT DWELLING ON THE EVENTS. I survived, I did the challenge, BE HERE NOW
T= Spelling, counting, remembering movies & songs, naming colors in the room
S= Just treasuring local textures: clothes, paper, markers, glossy plastic, buttons

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Completely took my mind off the memory/ sickness. Distraction IS helpful! I know it'll subside; I just have to WAIT IT OUT PEACEFULLY. This is PROVING that I'M OKAY AND I WON'T DIE. It's a VITAL SKILL. BEST help: SHARING IN THE JOY OF OTHERS/ NOT THINKING OF MYSELF AT ALL. Literally "get out of my own head"

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-100)=
BEFORE= 85
AFTER= ~20

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4


-------------------------------------

102624 

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Mealplan worry-compulsion; "What's the BEST/ RIGHT choice?" The ones I DID make are proving TOO HIGH VOLUME in reality and I CAN'T BACK OUT. I'm DOOMED TO TERROR & SUFFERING UNTIL THURSDAY. I'm struggling to cope with this.

SKILLS USED=
PROS & CONS
DISTRACT WITH A.C.C.E.P.T.S.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
A= Doing weekly recap worksheets, mealplan budget, & journaling, plus a MOVIE  (live-action little mermaid)
C= Not isolating from peers. Sharing Halloween card with them. Talk to Rhi/ Melanie.
C= "I'D RATHER SUFFER THAN SIN." WILLING TO FACE THIS WITH FAITH.
E= Anxi again. Laurie encouraging. Thinking of Chaos 0 with the movie plot. 
P= I can't go back on my decisions. I want to learn to FACE the consequences.
T= Thinking about typecodes! Trying to remember the data. It brings me joy.
S= The taste of the pita chips at snack, the smell of autumn air, the sound of URSULA ON TV

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Laurie, Anxi, & Chaos 0 reminding me that these mealplan struggles are TEMPORARY and they are TEACHING US HARD BUT VITAL LESSONS, and in the process "FORCING" US TO GROW IN VIRTUE & FAITH... and to GROW CLOSER TOGETHER IN LOVE. And THAT IS FOREVER, AND WORTH LIVING/ FIGHTING FOR. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-100)=
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= 25 & falling!

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4

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PROS & CONS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES


PROBLEM BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
ALLERGY PANIC (EGG/ SOY/ SESAME/ SHRIMP)

ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
AVOIDANCE/ PANIC RESTRICTION/ TERROR "DESPAIRQUIT"; GIVE UP TRYING

PROS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
1. DON'T HAVE TO "STARE DEATH IN THE FACE" EACH MEAL
2. AVOID FEELING SICK/ ITCHY/ NAUSEOUS/ TERRIFIED
3. DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M "HURTING MYSELF" BY EATING "POISON"
4. CAN EAT OTHER FOODS THAT I ACTUALLY ENJOY INSTEAD
5. AVOID MEALTIME PANIC; CAN RELAX AT "NO DANGER"

CONS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
1. STILL "CONTROLLED" BY FEAR. OBSESSIVE INGREDIENT AVOIDANCE.
2. FEEDS INTO RESTRICTION BEHAVIOR IN GENERAL
3. NOT BEING COURAGEOUS; NOT ACTING ON CORE VALUES
4. ACTING IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO ALLERGIST REASSURANCE
5. HAUNTED BY "DEATH TERROR." NOT TRULY RECOVERING. 

RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
BELIEVING FACTS & PROFESSIONAL ADVICE/ REASON; GET OVER FEARS

PROS OF RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
1. MAKE MOM/ TEAM AND SELF PROUD/ JOYFUL IN VICTORY
2. ACT COURAGEOUSLY; PROVE I CAN MEET THE CHALLENGE
3. GRADUALLY LESSEN THE GRIP OF FEAR/ PANIC CONTROL
4. FREE TO EAT "ALLERGY FEAR FOODS" IN ALL CONTEXTS
5. MOVE MORE FULLY INTO RECOVERY/ FREEDOM/ PEACE

CONS OF RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
1. MIGHT STILL "FEEL SICK" AND HAVE TO SIT WITH THE TERROR
2. WILL BE CONVINCED I AM DYING FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR
3. NEED TO REPEAT EXPOSURE. MENTALLY EXCRUCIATING.
4. PSYCHOLOGICAL/ PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION & EXERTION
5. NO "PROOF" OF SAFETY. MUST TAKE THE LEAP OF FAITH. 


★ BESIDES THE E.D., WHAT ARE MY ACTUAL CRISIS URGES??
LASHING OUT? VIOLENCE? SELFHARM? FIGHTING? RAGEQUIT?
(ALL OF THOSE TRIGGER A PURGE REACTION)


"Identify which of these are short-term (just for today) and which are long-term (beyond today). Would you rather have a good day or a good life? Make mindful choices about your behavior.
"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"TIP" SKILL PRACTICE


"TEMPERATURE" 
SITUATION=
 Dude we do this BEFORE EVERY MEAL, even at home
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 85  AFTER= 10
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 50  AFTER= 85
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= We go to the room sink, wet paper towels with cold water, and wash our face/ ears/ neck with it. The wet & cold, with our eyes closed, instantly helps us chill out a significant bit

"INTENSE EXERCISE"
SITUATION=
 Fall fest; deciding to play "cornhole" until I got 5 in the hole, running back & forth
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 60 AFTER= 0
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 50  AFTER= 100
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= I threw 5 beanbags in a row each time, trying to stand form & aim straight & with a strong arm. Then I ran to get them & ran back. I did this at least 12 times? Laughing & happy

"PACED BREATHING" (COUNTING)
SITUATION= OVERWHELMED & dissociated from talking too much/ for too long, ALL DAY 
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 100 AFTER= 80
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 10  AFTER= 50
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= Closed eyes/ willing hands, went upstairs (Imagery skill) & Laurie counted for me. Unfortunately I just felt like I was suffocating (breathing exercises usually do that to me) so it KEPT me anxious in that regard. LET KYANOS DO IT!!

"PAIRED MUSCLE RELAXATION" (w/ breathing)
SITUATION= Disturbing sexual stuff on TV, I can't tune it out or leave the room
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 100 AFTER= 5
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 0  AFTER= 90
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= Tightened my arms/ legs/ stomach while inhaling, then released tension all at once while exhaling forcefully. FOCUSED on breathing, meditative. Shockingly effective; helps "reset brain mood" and gives a quick outlet for violence/ rage/ "fight" trauma survival instinct



prismaticbleed: (held)
2024-10-13 09:28 pm

tbhu distress tolerance worksheets = weekly skill practice



DISTRACTING WITH "WISE MIND ACCEPTS"

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

ACTIVITIES
1013 = Filling out mealplan "shuffle tickets" for exhange options (10)
1014 = QuiGong "massage" chi meditation on Youtube, thanks Sarah! (7)
1015 = Journaling about family session, flirting with Mimic over popcorn (10)

CONTRIBUTIONS
1013 = Called mom's house & left a "hello" message for Excalibur (10)
1014 = Consistently offered compliments to fellow patients during the day (9)
1015 = Giving as sincere feedback as I could to Armani & Rylee (8)

COMPARISONS
1013 = Talked with MJ about progress since admission AND CNC (9)
1014 = Grateful that I HAVE food to eat, and I'm safe here (10)
1015 = I am BOTH WILLING & ABLE to sit with nausea & food fears today?? (6)

EMOTIONS
1013 = Alexis/ Erika played that new Bruno Mars tune and my heart just LIT UP (100)
1014 = Thinking about my beloved Centralites, even just SEEING them (100)
1015 = Hugging Anxi, comforting her & cherishing her when I felt anxious (100)

PUSHING AWAY
1013 = Repeatedly "put Tuesday in God's Hands" and focused on today (9)
1014 = Choosing to be patient & simply be present, trust God's timing (9)
1015 = Refuse to obsess over the nausea; "it is what it is & it'll pass" (9)

THOUGHTS
1013 = Thinking about different exchange ticket item variations (9)
1014 = Thinking about different kinds of fruits, and where to buy them (9)
1015 = Actually REMEMBERING typecode resonances & reflecting on them (100)

SENSATIONS
1013 = I felt the braille letters on the laundry room door (8)
1014 = I put my head into the hot shower to wash my hair (10)
1015 = The ORANGE SALMON! The TACOS! The TRIX (brand new)! (10)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SELF-SOOTHING

101324 - 101624

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

VISION
1013 = Looked up at the moon & stars & shimmering clouds (10)
1014 = Wondering at how pretty the yogurt texture & color was (10)
1015 = The beautiful indigo hue of the menu in my folder, like Leon (10)
1016 = Admiring the beautiful shimmering red buttons on my pajama outfit (10)

HEARING
1013 = Listened to that new Bruno Mars System song on loop in our head (10)
1014 = Humming to self, whatever notes I'm feeling in the moment (10)
1015 = Talking to my mom & hearing her voice & how proud she is of me (10)
1016 = All the GOOD MUSIC & friendly talk from Scott during Fall Fest (10)

SMELL
1013 = Fresh air outside in the morning, evening, AND nighttime! (10)
1014 = The smell of the clementine peel at breakfast, bright & fresh & orange (7)
1015 = The nice mintiness of everyone's Simethicone, seriously! (10)
1016 = My old white pajama top, that still smells like home & grandma (9)

TASTE
1013 = REALLY enjoyed the waffles at breakfast & the peas at lunch & the DINNER ROLL (10)
1014 = The BONUS HOT CEREAL + SUNBUTTER wonder we got for breakfast (8)
1015 = How fresh & nice the tomato & lettuce were in the lunch tacos (8)
1016 = PUMPKIN PIE with Leon & Lynne! / SESAME SEEDS AT LAST! (10)

TOUCH
1013 = Stood in the morning sunlight & felt the warmth on my face (10)
1014 = Soft pajamas, the texture of paper, cold smooth stone (9)
1015 = The soft tortillas at lunch, the smooth apple at dinner, solid ground (10)
1016 = The SOFT SOFT POTSTICKERS! And RUNNING THROUGH THE GRASS! (10)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IMPROVE THE MOMENT

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

IMAGERY
1013 = Going to the "Gimmelwald" heartspace with Leon & Laurie (10)
1014 = Visiting the Indigo & Violet color realms & just BEING there (10)
1015 = Thinking about the "IDEAL" future recovery life, with the System & family (8)

MEANING
1013 = The blueberry poptart snack got me to TALK WITH LEON ♥ (100)
1014 = The "option shortage" gave us an unexpected PERFECT BREAKFAST ♥ (10)
1015 = Getting sick from cinnamon prompted a GREAT recovery conversation with MJ (10)

PRAYER
1013 = Praying for the people around me who were struggling (9)
1014 = Said a "Hail Mary" when tabletalk became inappropriate/ lewd (10)
1015 = Reading "The 3 Ordinary Voices of God" and CHOOSING to LISTEN & LIVE IT (10)

RELAXATION
1013 = Looked at the sunset, which was all pink and lilac (8)
1014 = Deep breathing, embracing Chaos 0 & Laurie for comfort upstairs (10)
1015 = Hot shower & scrubbing/ massaging like the monk taught us (10)

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT
1013 = Superfocused on tearing papers for the exchange tickets (10)
1014 = Superfocused on the action of writing with the marker (10)
1015 = Repeatedly physically grounding & refocusing my attention (?)

VACATION
1013 = Just had some nice, non-treatment small talk with MJ (9)
1014 = Chillin' on the liquidcrystal beach upstairs with the CoreGroup (& OCEAN DRINKS ♥) (9)
1015 = Genesis & I planning to visit MU for the CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING (10)

ENCOURAGEMENT
1013 = Laurie CONSTANTLY friendly-punching my arm & encouraging me (∞)
1014 = Seeing unexpected mealplan alterations as new adventures to enjoy (10)
1015 = Reminding myself, "I CAN do this. I WANT to succeed, and I WILL!" (10)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REALITY ACCEPTANCE SKILLS

101524 - 101724

(date + skill usage + 1-5 effectiveness)

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
1015 = Disgusting romance on TV. I can't change it. It'll pass. LET GO of disgust. (2)
1015 = My past is my past. I can't change it. But it ALL led me to be who I am today. (4)
1016 = Upset at being too dissociated at dinner. Grateful I STILL enjoyed it. Felt disappointment AND joy. (3)

TURNING THE MIND
1015 = "I can choose to gripe about snack, OR accept the BONUS RETRY & CHERISH it" (4)
1015 = ✳ "I can CHOOSE to be patient & loving & kind, OR be mean & impatient & rude" (5)
1017 = SO SCARED OF SOY. Want to purge/ restrict. Allergy panic. BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP OR FLEE. (2)

WILLINGNESS (not what I want, but FOR LOVE OF ALL)
1015 = "Wanted 2 BelVita"; BUT chose wafers FOR MOM + more BelVita for others
1016 = Scott talking to me while I was eating; CHOSE to FULLY enter into conversation; LOVELY (5)
1016 = I don't want to talk. Angry, exhausted. Decide to gently assert boundary if asked, NOT resisting (3)

HALF-SMILING
1015 = When feeling "regret" over not choosing snack I "wanted" + FOUND MEANING IN CHOICE I DID MAKE (3)
1015 = Everyone else using phone. Did this while happy at them talking to their families (4)
1016 = EXHAUSTED from talking too much. Smiled & was grateful for being TRUSTED to LISTEN (3)

WILLING HANDS 
1015 = When group was watching TV that I didn't like (3)
1015 = Peers acting silly; instead of judging, accept them just as THEY are (5)
1016 = Gotta go to Fall Fest, facing old fears. Decided WE'RE GONNA ENJOY IT. (5)

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS
1015 = "I want ALL BelVita" like a child scared of "not getting more"; watched with COMPASSION (3)
1016 = Fears about Fall Fest/ flashback memories; watched & imagined GOOD things there (3)
1017 = So, so sad/ scared/ lost/ helpless/ frightened. Listen to that confession as sad song. (4)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (Default)
2023-10-16 05:53 pm

daily journals = october 2023


we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1001

Church: GOSPEL + LAST NIGHT VERSE REVELATION
"Save life vs lose life"= ACTIONS, not results!!

BK AT 220 ;_____;

Evening =

Finding a spot to put the 5ft lights
In room= under desk attempt. REMEMBER WE DID THIS IN THE HOMESTEAD!!!
Decided not to put them there; wanted red.
Bright idea to put 5ft around bathroom mirror, for getting ready in morning-- doesn't blind us, and also respects privacy with open door.

Kitchen lights fixing at like 9pm? Put up a string by microwave, up the wall, to chase away corner shadows

Mimic going to bed early, "so sue me for appreciating the fact that I can actually sleep safely here."
I casually said "love you goodnight" and in his drowsiness he replied "I love you too, see you in the morning"
Laurie LOOKED at me, pointed to calendar, mark the milestone date that he was ABLE to let his walls down even for just a second

LYNNE randomly took the melatonin tonight
Julie asked why this isn't more common? Why is she herself the one pushed out?
Laurie said she's the only Centralite who CAN eat, and is one of the only foni trusted TO eat.
Lynne added that in any case, the melatonin "tasted pink" so it would naturally call her out

Stayed up to pray on couch.
Sacrifice was NO BIKE today. Day of rest! Genuinely hard to do, so offered it up.
Falling asleep but still got all prayers in, and got to bed early enough to get legit sleep! God rewards efforts of devotion, always.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1002

Bathroom mirror lights work perfectly!
Lynne very pleased with them

Blood sugar 70 at mass
We feel SO SICK after we take glucose???

UNBEARABLE GUILT during morning Chaplets. Couldn't focus. Felt like death row.

Kitchen lighting = lights BELOW eye level CAUSES PANIC??? Bizarre. Is that triggering BASEMENT FEAR??

Egg disaster again
Moping! Felt like everything I did was wrong always
LAURIE PRAYED FOR ME

Evening=
Utterly exhausted. Literally 30 MINUTES of free time to rest. That's it. Lord please give us strength.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1003

WHAT A BUSY DAY!!!

Church. Lady from daily crew passed away. Father gave homily about her, tied into Gospel! We all prayed for her.
Adoration as usual, plus reading about today's TEN MARTYRS from the Reformation attacks on Catholics. Genuinely disturbing that we never even knew that happened.

Got home, immediately & spontaneously CUT HAIR.
Shower
Laundry
Faucet fix
Clean kitchen

FINALLY BREAKFAST AT 150PM 😂

Well, not only does it keep glitching & freezing, but apparently Youversion's update DELETED ALL OUR SAVED PRAYERS.
That's it, man, we're done. We've GOT to find a replacement app.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1005


Fasting again today.
Called office about repairs-- apparently they are always on-call and NOT "native to" our housing? So although we're technically "on their list" of jobs to complete, there is NO set schedule and it might take DAYS before they actually show up. so there is literally NO WAY to predict their arrival. the lady in the office said they weren't even on site today. which was also unexpected. so yeah, this is going to be a prolonged cross. God's will be done; He has good reasons for this, and we trust Him. we've already learned a LOT.

Mom called during Rosary
Paid full attention to her!!

BK prep FURIOUS OCD Kakofoni
Laurie AXED
Realized we no longer have Infi to transmute Tar
ALSO REALIZED HIR ENTIRE TRANSMUTATION METHOD WAS AN EXPLICIT SXABUSE/ED MIRROR.
...

...our unwillingness to forgive is what killed Infinitii.
ZE did it. ZE was the one directly responsible for that fatal event. But ze was only trying to love, as misled & misinformed as ze was.
Even so... without hir, now, how DO we "forgive ourself"-- AND Oliver, who Infi LOVED?
In Infi's heart, I think, forgiveness is already there. There's enough love AND grief for it.
...

Harbor blue twilight sky at 1845, with streetlights on = INSTANT "THEME PARK EVENING" PANIC!!! Almost debilitating; hard to breathe, shaking, heart racing. WHY THIS SEVERE???


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1006

Last night= wouldn't let self relax. Tumblr waste time. Got so depressed & angry crying from guilt.
Then suddenly CULTURE VULTURES????
I FORGOT how much I love that album. Gotta put it on the phone!


Repairmen ACTUALLY knocked on our door around 930-- BY ACCIDENT. But God said it was time to comfort us, and to tell us that our door repairs are TUESDAY!!
I have to thank God profusely for these two days of heavy fasting & prayer (now day three). I have learned a great deal, and have been humbled in my starkly revealed weakness. But this is grace. I must cling to it, and continue in it.

Saint Bruno's feast day! Universalis bio referred me HERE
https://maps.app.goo.gl/AEppTXjctmAmLK7q6
I am ACTUALLY IN TEARS from the sheer beauty of it. It's so simple, yet so grandiose in God's splendor. Pray for us Saint Bruno.

Lynne eating carrots= VIBE MATCH! Proves that she IS Orange, NOT Vermillion!


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1007


Slept until 9
SO exhausted. We never feel rested.

Prayers tough from fatigue, emotional turmoil. Prayed for help & grace.
Focus was better than yesterday; we're learning to "speak TO Mary" and listen more than think.

Passion prayers during cooking= EASIER WITH AUDIO???

Rosary moved to tears w/ Visitation + music. Hit home.
Reflecting on VIRTUES manifested in each Mystery, in the Hearts of Mary AND Jesus.

It's raining outside and everything smells like heaven.
Wet fallen leaves are honestly one of the most comforting childhood memory scents we have; it's the beautiful backyard when EVERYTHING turns orange & crimson & maroon.
I've gotta go up there soon. Mom has cut down so many of the trees, but... the woods remains, and THAT is where I want-- where I NEED-- to let my heart run free.


...Xenophon doesn't have me feed her with the chopsticks anymore. She asks for the bowl & feeds herself now.
It's a bit sad, but it's inevitable. We're both growing older. She's TWELVE now for heavens sakes, in literal age, not minusing the "dead years" after CNC-- and even if we did, she'd still be hitting 8.
...Today she was talking about moving into the League. She recognizes the aging too, and the irreversible life changes, especially in me. Her father is no longer up front. The bloodline shifted entirely. Her role in my life is completely different; we're not biologically related, and she isn't a child anymore. She's finally accepting that. It just... aches, somehow, this loss,this absence, this knowledge that she SHOULD mean more to me and we SHOULD be closer but... we're not. I'm too different; we come from different timelines, different worlds, different lives.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1008

Unbelievably exhausted waking up. Fibro probably

Blood sugar would NOT go above 84??
So cold too. Hands numb.
Glucose shot up to 104 once driving??? Stress??

Wegmans shop, Walmart stop
Jade car shift
EAR CANDY TUNES by CAPSULE!

Huge mistake BK prep = tried the gummies & vegchips
POISON PANIC FONI FREAKED OUT.
Not Allegra. She says that's her LITTLE SISTER.
Our face & lips DID get red & puffy. SCARED. took benadryl.
Kissed Jesus & Mary pictures with faith and it CURED IT!!!

BK at 3PM WTF.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

101223

LOTS of sharp lower abdominal pain this morning. Wanting to vomit from it.

BK prep Passion prayers again. Sincere.

Early schedule for films. We need to watch them all within 3 days because they're due and we've put it off for two weeks already. But we don't want to be so irresponsible/ lazy/ rejecting of own goals to not watch them.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1016


Church. Made the effort
No sanctuary candle???
Unexpected visitor in back. social mode kicked in and we COULDN'T PRAY. brain literally would not think because everything was forced external. disturbing to feel this hard shift in realtime. 

JORDAN PETERSON YouTube sudden diversion when we got home.
NEED to watch his talks.

Jade shower stop. Family trouble again.

Cleanup & prayers. Reflecting on them more with the System
Accidental shower haha

Mom called, JADE GOT FIRED??????


prismaticbleed: (Default)
2023-09-27 09:28 pm

daily journals = september 2023


we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0901

First Friday.
So sick from fasting, heat, dehydration, thought we were having a heart attack

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0904

"the hired shepherd, a mercenary, who tends a flock not his own for his own interests...those ministers who care chiefly for the emoluments and advantages of their position, and retire when the position becomes irksome or dangerous."
Saw Mimic flinch. Offered hand to him solemnly. Took it. Hurting obviously but somber.
Laurie said "regret is good. It Shows that you recognize that what you did before was sin. It came from a cold heart, a hard heart. Now it's softened enough to feel pain over how it was. Don't shut that down. Remorse is a holy thing." "It's the evidence that you are a better person now"? "And you can grow better still" 

Works if mercy as a mentally ill person= What CAN I do? What feels LIKE merciful help for me that I can give?
Visit sick, NOT to talk, but to CARE, like with grandma. Others can talk. It would only harm me & make me unable to help truly.

Christ the Good shepherd goes before us in all of life, Even the darkest places, Because of his death on the cross in which he went before us even to death. And he feeds us up himself to show that, Not only is he the true food the true life that feds our soul, BUT  To also show that he needs no outside thing. All earthly food is taken from something else? Humans eat animals, Animals eat plants, plants eat light. CHRIST IS LIGHT!!!


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0908
 
SPECTRUM VIRTUES VS VICES

JULIE= LUST = PINK
MISSY = ENVY? = BLUE
BRIDGET = GREED = GREEN

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0911

 
Bravely ran to mass in rain

ACV spill hell
Got SO VIOLENTLY ANGRY????

Struggling to trust God, "I don't know why you're doing this but I know you have a good reason. Please help me trust You"

Joyful Mysteries HIT as a result of suffering backdrop!!!!!

Mom vegetables TERROR.
Allergy kid HYSTERICAL
 

Who was Janice in our System????
It resonates with SOMEONE,  post-grandma pre-hospital. Very tumultuous time period.

Laurie commented on something? Concerning our healing from the e.d. relating to Bible study?
I think maybe this =
"He calls, "Lazarus, come forth!" It is not therefore in answer to prayer that Lazarus was raised, but by the Lord's own authoritative, divine word. In spite of being bound hand and foot with graveclothes, Lazarus came forth. His face too was bound (v.44): he could not see where he was going, but the power was in the voice that called him, the power of resurrection life. The miracle is accomplished fully and perfectly... life itself is entirely in the hands of the Son of God."
IT'S FAITH. We've known this from the beginning. Either God ALONE heals us, by Himself, or we die. No therapist, no hospital, no medication, no parent, no selfhelp advice, no force of will, no human effort whatsoever would, or could, save us. Only God.
We only needed to have faith in HIM ALONE. That is where we still tragically struggle, like with the allergy panic.
"For grace, not law, is to be the power of the new life." Wondering about how that applies to TRUE e.d. recovery, as BOTH the illness AND UPMC were ALL ABOUT LAWS.

As we morbidly feared,
Mom food terror triggered a DESTRUCTION BINGE.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
0912 
 
before going to sleep, me & laurie talking about how mimic feels safe to sleep upstairs

"I love him."
"I know."
"I want the absolute best for him. 
"Newsflash, kid, that's love. 
"T know, Laurie, I'm just repeating myself in different words. 
"Yeah, and I know that. I love you too. 

"He's in good hands. 
"I hope so. By the grace of God, I hope I can give that to him. 
"Well, if it's the grace of God, then you will.
"...that's like the MOST reassuring thing you could have possibly said. 
"Thank the Holy Spirit! 
 

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0913

Sore throat means LOVELY LOW VOICE!!!

Shopping for food since we finally had a car
Everything we needed was out of stock!!
Bravely but difficultly choosing to trust God's plan in this

Walmart clothes dissociation
Gender war hell. Clothes are dramatically binarist

Home for 11

Brief IDW Tumblr browsing
Heartache for Mimic. Knowing that he's SPECIFICALLY written as a hard villain.
Still seeing his behavior as Duo and wondering, if you hadn't hardened your hearts, what would you be like? If you were unafraid & free, if you let yourself have friends and be one to them... what would you be like?
Deep sorrow that he's probably doomed by the authors. Still fiercely hoping against hope, as it were.

Vitamin overdose freakout
Crunching numbers for TWO HOURS

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0924

CHURCH MORNING!!!
DOUBLE MASSES & BEAUTIFUL MUSIC
Ashamed & humiliated by my own pride though. Offering it up to God as long as I keep catching it.

Social out joke-singing as we put gas in car; evidently muffling the schedule stress & glucose symptoms

Jade talk in car, disturbing laughter, very upsetting topics. Said nothing much but listened actively. All we can do

BK prep as usual. No mistakes despite wooziness & rush, thank God
Basilica homily = Walsingham!!

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0926

Church, stayed for Lauds
Said first 3 beadprayers when home. Getting better with this as a schedule; it hasn't "clicked in" yet so its still a push. But in time the struggle will decrease. I want it to be a beloved duty, fully so. I do love prayer, this body just complains from the effort & this brain whines about the exertion. Tis a cross, son!

BK prep
Audrey doing her compulsory lyric quoting

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0930

 
Late start to the day. Slept in due to utter exhaustion.
VERY apocalyptic flat nightmares. All with family.
Death, war, torture, conspiracy, arson, murder, etc.


SO sickly tired. 0% battery. What's going on?
Head completely messed. Uniting this to Crown of Thorns

Face burning, scared. Picked up crucifix, had Him kiss my face. Said, "either He will heal it, or unite it to His Cross." Then just surrendered. Suddenly I realized the BURNING WENT AWAY!!! He is so kind to me. Remember all these little mercies & proofs of compassion; they are powerful weapons against doubt & despair.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


prismaticbleed: (angel)
2023-09-19 11:29 pm

sept 2023 faithposting PART ONE



this month has been ALL ABOUT RELIGIOUS READING and so there is a rather overwhelming ton of sheer "faithpasting" in the daily entry log.

to avoid such cluttering, and to keep the visible train of thought apparent between topics and scripture study progression, we have decided to post them all into one bulk entry for the month-- or at least, as many as we can fit in here.

HOWEVER, uniquely, this month ALSO includes extensive PERSONAL COMMENTARY on most pastes. that makes this entry less of a databank and more of a sincere record of our faith journey over the past 30 days.

may God continue to guide us and bless us all together in His love.

(these entries MIGHT actually be moved into their own entries after all, ONCE we write proper commentary on them and so can stand alone. As of right now, this is just a proper bank for keeping them all together.)

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0904

"The “Ecce Homo” of these Christians was unmarked by horror and outrage. [But] An adequate picture of the human Christ will not exclude those deep lines of suffering which came through His voluntary Self-abasement."


BIBLE STUDY GAME CHANGER!!!!!!

"17. Therefore ] Better, On this account , or, For this cause (12:18, 27). See on 7:22 and 8:47, and comp. 5:16, 18, 6:65. The Father’s love for the incarnate Son is intensified by the self-sacrifice of the Son. // ...that I might take it again ] literally, in order that I may take it again . This clause is closely connected with the preceding one: ‘that’ depends upon ‘because.’ ⭐⭐Only because Christ was to take His human life again was His death such as the Father could have approved. Had the Son returned to heaven at the Crucifixion leaving His humanity on the Cross, the salvation of mankind would not have been won, the sentence of death would not have been reversed, we should be ‘yet in our sins’ (1 Corinthians 15:17 ). Moreover, in that case He would have ceased to be the Good Shepherd: He would have become like the hireling, casting aside his duty before it was completed. The office of the True Shepherd is not finished until all mankind become His flock; and this work continues from the Resurrection to the Day of Judgment."⭐⭐
THIS IS WHY I READ LIKE 15 COMMENTARIES!!!!

And
"He and His sheep have most intimate knowledge of one another; therefore these Jews asking who He is prove that they are not His sheep."
Like sheep asking a man, "are you my shepherd or not?" But how would they NOT know?
They haven't been paying any attention to him, or to their care; they take it for granted; they are deaf or blind; they reject a shepherd's basic authority & reality???
But a sheep doesn't need to ask! They RECOGNISE-- not only the shepherd BUT ALSO THEIR FELLOW SHEEP???
By this question they prove they AREN'T EVEN SHEEP???

"the gift of eternal life is regarded as already possessed by the faithful. It is not a promise , the fulfilment of which depends upon man’s conduct, but a gift , the retention of which depends upon ourselves... Christ’s sheep cannot be taken from Him against their will; but their will is free, and they may choose to leave the flock."

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Salvation by GRACE & DEATH = shepherd die as a sheep for the sheep = WHY? Because sacrifice was "life for life" : human nature corrupted by original sin could NOT go back to God; tainted? Had no inherent goodness to change itself. Needed CHRIST infusing HIS nature INTO OURS. His death in our place through UNITY with Him = brings US to life again???
DON'T FORGET "through the blood of the everlasting covenant" !!!

"the Good Shepherd who died for us, and by whose stripes we are healed, has now become the Great Shepherd who lives for us... Thus it is that Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd, who gave us life, through His blood; is now risen indeed, and is reaching down to give us strength to live for Him, in a life well pleasing in His sight."


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0908

Mimic & Julie both moved by today's new devotional =
(Chosen at random; just so happened to reference today's gospel reading)

"[Jesus's] genealogy is full of blemishes and reveals that the most unlikely characters are part of Jesusʼ story... [several are] Gentile women, considered unclean and racial outsiders, [and] most of them have scandalous pasts... How are they in the family? How are they part of the story of Jesus? Although itʼs shocking and counterintuitive, itʼs what makes Christmas good news! Once considered outsiders they are now included in the family of God.
"Jesus is the great reconciler and allows our story to be woven into to his. Christmas announces that we all can have a new story, regardless of who we are or what we have done. Maybe youʼve always felt like you were on the outside. God wants you to be included. Jesus alone makes this a reality. His story can be your story!"


This hits US hard for our history (sx/ed) =
"Jesus wept... Behold how He loved him! Loved him, what does that mean? 'I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.' (Matthew 9:13) But some of them said, 'Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not die?' But He, who would do nought to hinder his dying, had something greater in view in raising him from the dead."

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0909

Just got THIS shocker of a commentary=
"In the voice of indignation appears the hope of resurrection; in truth Jesus foresaw that He because of the raising up of Lazarus would be crucified by the envious Pharisees; yet not allowing this to stand in the way, He determined to raise him up; which act of heroic fortitude He allowed to be manifested in this groan. So soldiers groan when battle is near, and excite and sharpen their anger for the difficult and perilous combat that is imminent; for their anger is the whetstone of valour and bravery. Hence also we, when temptation, whether of the devil, the flesh, and the world, threatens, should sharpen our anger against them, that we may overcome the temptation; for by anger is concupiscence overcome, though the difficulty of the task be great."

TAKE THAT, ALL YOU PETULANTLY PACIFISTIC THRISKEFONI!!!!
THIS ALSO EXPLAINS DISTURBINGLY PERFECTLY WHY THEIR EFFECTIVELY FORCING LAURIE TO "NOT BE ANGRY" IS LITERALLY KILLING HER!!!!!

THIS IS SUPER INTERESTING AND HELPS EXPLAIN WHY YESTERDAY DISTURBED US=
"Christ, as he was truly man, had the affections and passions of human nature; yet so that he was master, even of the first motions, which could not raise in him any disturbance or disorderly inclinations. He permitted, therefore, and, as it is said, raised in himself these affections of compassion and grief at this time. "
"He permitted freely and willingly to Himself the strong feeling both of indignation, as already mentioned, and of commiseration and tears, because of the common lamentation of Martha, Mary, and the rest; for it would have been inhuman not to grieve and sympathise with them. For them therefore Jesus was troubled.
Note these passions of indignation, sorrow, commiseration, and weeping, were in such a manner in Christ as not to overbear His reason and will, or to arise unbidden as they are aroused with us; but rather to follow His reason, and to be ruled and excited by it. On which account right reason always used to direct and regulate them. Therefore [S. John] says, He troubled Himself (turbavit Seipsum); not, He was troubled. Wherefore these passions were in Christ not so much passions, as feelings in place of passions, freely taken... For Christ was able as He chose to excite them, to soften, to moderate, to rule, to direct... the misery therefore of Lazarus and of all men excited the pity of Christ, the pity excited indignation against such troubles, the indignation increased the pity, and at the same time with it aroused zeal, and a purpose of taking away those troubles, even with the casting away of His own life by the death upon the Cross, by which so great a benefit was alone to be purchased, according to what Isaiah says (63:4-5), “The day of vengeance is in my heart . . . and my fury it upheld me.”"
"Christ became all things to all men; poor to the poor, rich to the rich, weeping with the weeping, hungering with the hungry, thirsting with the thirsty, full with the abounding; He is in prison with the poor man, with Mary He weeps, with the Apostles He eats, with the Samaritan woman he thirsts."

EMOTIONS ARE THEREFORE NOT EVIL OR "UNGODLY"!!!!!!!!!
THEY, TOO, CAN SERVE HOLY PURPOSES, IF THEY ARE UNDER THE CONTROL OF CHRIST IN US!!
It is only when they run wild, and are so DISORDERED, that they are harmful. They, too, are affected by the Fall, and THEREFORE ALSO "REDEEMED" BY JESUS. This incident is PROOF.

Geez there is SO MUCH IMPORTANT STUFF here.
Concerning TEARS=
"[Jesus wept, also, so] that adding tears to His speech, He might make it stronger and more efficacious; for tears are a sign of vehement grief and affliction, and also of desire and longing: wherefore God is accustomed to hear and answer prayers seasoned, and as it were armed, with tears. So Christ on the [eve of the] Cross offering up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears, was heard in that He feared. [E. & Heb. V. 7, pro suâ reverentiâ, Vulg.] So Tobit (xii. 12) heard from S. Raphael, “When thou didst pray with tears, and didst bring the dead, . . . I brought thy prayer before the Lord.” So Jacob, wrestling with the angel, obtained a blessing (Gen. xxxii. 29). Wherefore? because he wept and besought him (Hosea xii. 4). “The tears of penitents,” says S. Bernard, “are the wine of angels.” For it is the anguish of the mind in prayer which influences, and as it were compels God to pity, according as it is said, “a contrite and humble heart God shall not despise” (Ps. 51:17); just as the tears of an infant influence the mother, and obtain from her what it asks; for God shows toward us the heart of a mother."

THAT LAST LINE HURTS.

"He was weeping when He saw the pain and the sorrow of humanity, when He saw the pain that His friends Mary and Martha were experiencing as a result of death. And He wept for their grief. Jesus is moved by our infirmities; we have such a great High Priest, who is touched by our weaknesses. He sees us in our frailties. He sees us in our griefs. And He's touched by our feelings of grief and sorrow, by our weaknesses. He's just a loving and compassionate Lord, and One who is moved by our own sorrow and grief. And so, He wept for them."

HE IS NOT INDIFFERENT, COLD, OR CONDEMNING OF EMOTION.
"Then said the Jews, Oh, look how he loved him! ( John 11:36 )They misunderstood completely His weeping too... Jesus wept not for Lazarus. You don't weep for the dead if they are in the Lord."
HE WAS NOT WEEPING FOR LAZARUS, OR FOR HIMSELF!!!!! He was weeping for the pain of THOSE WHO FELT LOSS!!!! It was a SELFLESS, COMPASSIONATE WEEPING, JUST AS MUCH AS IT WAS AN INDIGNANT, RIGHTEOUS WEEPING AT THE POWER OF SIN UNTO DEATH!!!!

"The Son of God sympathises (compatitur), and He weeps; man suffers (patitur), and shall we laugh? ...Christ wept—let man weep for himself: wherefore did Christ weep, unless to teach man to weep? Wherefore did He groan and trouble Himself, except that the faith of man, rightly displeased with himself, should in a manner groan in accusation of his evil works, so that the habit of sinning should yield to the violence of repenting.”


The ENTIRE Lazarus account echoes our miraculous "resurrection" from the tomb-life of the hackers & hijackers

⭐⭐WILLIAM BARCLAY DOES IT AGAIN
"To any, Greek reading this--and we must remember that it was written for Greeks--this would be a staggering and incredible picture. John had written his whole gospel on the theme that in Jesus we see the mind of God. To the Greek the primary characteristic of God was what he called apatheia, which means total inability to feel any emotion whatsoever.
How did the Greeks come to attribute such a characteristic to God? They argued like this. If we can feel sorrow or joy, gladness or grief, it means that someone can have an effect upon us. Now, if a person has an effect upon us, it means that for the moment that person has power over us. No one can have any power over God; and this must mean that God is essentially incapable of feeling any emotion whatsoever. The Greeks believed in an isolated, passionless and compassionless God.
What a different picture Jesus gave! He showed us a God whose heart is wrung with anguish for the anguish of his people. The greatest thing Jesus did was to bring us the news of a God who cares...we are shown the picture of Jesus wrung with anguish as he shared the anguish of the human heart. To the Greek reader that little sentence: "Jesus wept," would be the most astonishing thing in an astonishing story. That the Son of God could weep would be almost beyond belief." 



ELLICOTT=

"He is conscious of the power which He is about to exercise, and that the first result will be the glory of God (
John 11:4); but He is conscious also of the suffering hearts near Him, and the sympathy with human sorrow is no less part of His nature than the union with divine strength.
Very different views have been put forth as to the cause of this intensity of emotion in our Lord. The cause supplied by the text is that He saw Mary lying at His feet weeping; and the Jews also weeping which came with her. Real sorrow, which calls forth all His sympathy, is accompanied by the mockery of sorrow, which can shed tears for the brother, whom they afterwards seek to kill (
John 12:10)! These Jews are those who had sought to stone their Teacher, and had resolved to cut off from all religious and social intercourse every one who acknowledged Him as the Messiah! With hearts full of hatred they can profess to be comforters, and can mingle their tears with hers. The severest words that fell from the lips of Christ were those which denounced the hypocrisy of priests, Pharisees, and scribes. It is this hypocrisy which now stirs in His spirit an anger so intense that it causes nerve and muscle and limb to tremble beneath its force."


CLARKE WINS THE JACKPOT THOUGH =

"Verse 33.  He groaned in the spirit, c.] Here the blessed Jesus shows himself to be truly man and a man, too, who, notwithstanding his amazing dignity and excellence, did not feel it beneath him to sympathize with the distressed, and weep with those who wept. After this example of our Lord, shall we say that it is weakness, folly, and sin to weep for the loss of relatives? He who says so, and can act in a similar case to the above according to his own doctrine, is a reproach to the name of man. Such apathy never came from God: it is generally a bad scion, implanted in a nature miserably depraved, deriving its nourishment from a perverted spirit or a hardened heart; though in some cases it is the effect of an erroneous, ascetic mode of discipline.
It is abolishing one of the finest traits in our Lord's human character to say that he wept and mourned here because of sin and its consequences. No: Jesus had humanity in its perfection, and humanity unadulterated is generous and sympathetic. A particular friend of Jesus was dead; and, as his friend, the affectionate soul of Christ was troubled, and he mingled his sacred tears with those of the afflicted relatives. Behold the man, in his deep, heart-felt trouble, and in his flowing tears! But when he says, Lazarus, come forth! behold the GOD! and the God too of infinite clemency, love, and power. Can such a Jesus refuse to comfort the distressed, or save the lost? Can he restrain his mercies from the penitent soul, or refuse to hear the yearnings of his own bowels? Can such a character be inattentive to the welfare of his creatures? Here is God manifested in the flesh! living in human nature, feeling for the distressed, and suffering for the lost! Reader! ask thy soul, ask thy heart, ask the bowels of thy compassions, if thou hast any, could this Jesus unconditionally reprobate from eternity any soul of man? Thou answerest, NO! God repeats, NO! Universal nature re-echoes, NO! and the tears and blood of Jesus eternally say, NO!"


HE HAD THE SAME REACTION AS US???????

"Verse 35. Jesus wept. — The least verse in the Bible, yet inferior to none. Some of the ruthless ancients, improperly styled fathers of the Church, thought that weeping was a degradation of the character of Christ; and therefore, according to the testimony of Epiphanius, Anchorat. c. 13, razed out of the Gospel of St. Luke the place (Luke 19:41) where Christ is said to have wept over Jerusalem."


A little more from Matthew Henry =

"First, Of his displeasure at the inordinate grief of those about him, as 
Mark 5:39: "Why make ye this ado and weep? What a hurry is here! does this become those that believe in a God, a heaven, and another world?" Or, Secondly, Of his feeling sense of the calamitous state of human lie, and the power of death, to which fallen man is subject. Having now to make a vigorous attack upon death and the grave, he thus stirred up himself to the encounter, put on the garments of vengeance, and his fury it upheld him; and that he might the more resolutely undertake the redress of our grievances, and the cure of our griefs, he was pleased to make himself sensible of the weight of them, and under the burden of them he now groaned in spirit. Or, Thirdly, It was an expression of his kind sympathy with his friends that were in sorrow. Here was the sounding of the bowels, the mercies which the afflicted church so earnestly solicits, Isaiah 63:15. Christ not only seemed concerned, but he groaned in the spirit; he was inwardly and sincerely affected with the case. David's pretended friends counterfeited sympathy, to disguise their enmity (Psalms 41:6); but we must learn of Christ to have our love and sympathy without dissimulation. Christ's was a deep and hearty sigh."

He was troubled. He troubled himself; so the phrase is, very significantly. He had all the passions and affections of the human nature, for in all things he must be like to his brethren; but he had a perfect command of them, so that they were never up, but when and as they were called; he was never troubled, but when he troubled himself, as he saw cause. He often composed himself to trouble, but was never discomposed or disordered by it. He was voluntary both in his passion and in his compassion. He had power to lay down his grief, and power to take it again."

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⭐CHRIST, BY THE CROSS, EFFECTIVELY RECREATES MAN.
THE OLD HUMAN NATURE DOOMED TO DEATH DOES DIE IN HIM, WHO THEN REPLACES IT WITH HIS HOLY NATURE???
"Christ should die for the people, i.e., for the salvation of the people; and by His death, as if by the payment of a price, should redeem them from sin, from the devil, from death, and from hell, those, I say, who would otherwise perish eternally... he does not say rather than but for (in behalf of) the people; which properly signifies for the salvation of the people."

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0911

"When we face difficulties – what is God’s timing for getting us through them? We want the timing to be quick and painless. God wants us to grow, mature and develop character that looks like His heart. So His path for us often looks very different than the path we would choose. "

"...they were very right in applying to Christ in this time of need, who is the physician, both of the bodies and souls of men; and are greatly to be commended both for their modesty and piety, in not prescribing to Christ what should be done in this case: and it may be further observed, that such who are the peculiar objects of Christ's love, are attended in this life with bodily sickness, disorders, and diseases, which are sent unto them, not in a way of vindictive wrath, but in love, and as fatherly chastisements; which, as they are designed, so they are overruled for their good; and are to be considered, not as instances of wrath, but as tokens of love."

WE NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.
Those sufferings UNITE US TO THE BODY OF CHRIST; OF COURSE THEY'RE FOR LOVE!!!


"If Jesus was the cause of civil disorder, Rome would descend in all her power, and, beyond a doubt the Sadducees would be dismissed from their positions of authority. It never even occurred to them to ask whether Jesus was right or wrong. Their only question was: "What effect will this have on our ease and comfort and authority?" They judged things, not in the light of principle but in the light of their own career. And it is still possible for a man to set his own career before the will of God."
"...who denied the resurrection of the dead, and was unconcerned about a future state; and [therefore] having no restraint upon him, [spoke] in a bold, haughty, and blustering manner..."

THEY DIDNT BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE, SO THEY WERE ENTIRELY WORLDLY-MINDED!!!!!
OH DUDE WAIT UP--- THEY WERE SPECIFICALLY THREATENED BECAUSE JESUS JUST PROVED THAT THERE IS LIFE BEYOND DEATH!!!!! HE HAD LITERALLY JUST DEALT A DEATHWOUND TO THEIR DOCTRINE. And, utterly insanely, instead of joyfully embracing this liberating hope, they REJECTED IT because it would require an upheaval of their physical life. THEY LITERALLY CHOSE DEATH OVER LIFE.

"They knew about this mortal contest of wills between Jesus and the authorities; and people are always interested in the man who gallantly faces fearful odds. They wondered if He would appear at the feast; and concluded that He could not possibly come: This Galilean carpenter could not take on the whole might of Jewish ecclesiastical and political officialdom. But they had underrated Jesus. When the time arrived for Him to come, nothing on earth would stop Him coming... Whatever else we may say of Jesus, we must bow in admiration before his death-defying courage. For these last days of his life he was the bravest outlaw of all time."

Now THAT is a "western" spin i can get behind!!! WORK WITH THIS. IT'S ABOUT CHRIST!!!

"[In defending his Christian faith,] it was not that Luther was not afraid, for often he made his greatest statements when both voice and knees were shaking; but he had a courage which conquered fear. The Christian does not fear the consequences of doing the right thing; he fears rather the consequences of not doing it."

Feeling this more strongly as time goes on. It's still a crippling fear though, in either direction. We need to fix that properly; it betrays a lack of trust in God, and His Mercy.

Grant's commentary resonating with our own continuing struggles with doubt & religious confusion =

"He answers... "Your brother will rise again" (v.23). But she can think of this as nothing but the orthodox doctrine of a future general resurrection. How little comfort even true doctrine has in it apart from the person of Christ! Marvelous indeed is His reply, "I Am the resurrection and the life." In Him, personally, is the answer to her every need, as of all creation; "I Am" implies His deity, and certainly resurrection and life are resident only in God. He does not merely say that He 'can' raise the dead and give life; [for] this whole subject is, rather, dependent on His Person... The full truth of this could only be manifested in His own (then future) resurrection, but identification with Him by faith was the certain means of one [who in] Him would never die (v.26). That is, the life He gives is not at all subject to death: it continues vital and real, even if natural death takes place. The words He speaks are spirit and they are life, not material and fleshly."

That last line lit a lightbulb? Natural life is SUPPOSED to die; it is material only, subject to decay & change.
But TRUE LIFE ORIGINATES IN GOD, and therefore is SUPPOSED to be eternal, SUPPOSED to be anchored in spirit!!! Our faith is key because we have FREE WILL and WORDS HAVE POWER. "Believe in your heart AND confess with your mouth that Christ is Lord and us RISEN FROM THE DEAD, and SO you will be saved"!! Basically. 
We can all speak "material" words. They do nothing. But Christ is TRUTH and His Word IS LIFE. When we as sheep hear & follow it then we inevitably live!! HIS WORD MADE THE UNIVERSE.

"He asks her, "Do you believe this?" Though doubtless she did not fully understand His meaning, yet her answer is good. She believed Him, for she was persuaded that He was Christ, the Son of God (v.27). What He said, she knew was right, however feeble her understanding may have been."

THAT IS EXACTLY THE SPOT WE'RE IN.
ALSO relevant to today =
"When the Lord commands that the stone be taken away, Martha, allowing her practical mind to take precedence over faith, objects to the removal of the stone (v.39). The Lord firmly reproves her unbelief. Natural thought must not intrude itself when the Lord of glory is working."

"The [religious leaders] then are easily persuaded that it is right to put Christ to death, for they have the plausible excuse of trying to save their nation... Being the willing tools of Satan, they were blinded to the fact that God is in control of all these things."

"And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there,.... At Bethany, before he died, or when he died; because he might have been prevailed upon through the solicitations of his dear friends, Mary and Martha, and through tender affection to Lazarus, to have prevented his death, by rebuking the distemper, and restoring him to health, or to have raised him immediately as soon as he was dead; and in either case the miracle would not have been so illustrious, nor have been such a means of confirming the faith of his disciples, as now it would be: to the intent ye may believe; more strongly, that he was the Son of God, and true Messiah."

THAT IS THE ULTIMATE END OF ALL HIS MIRACLES IN OUR LIFE!!!!!

"Then said the Jews, behold, how he loved him!] Lazarus; for they supposed that these tears were shed purely on his account; and by all circumstances they could not but judge, that they proceeded from an hearty and sincere affection to him; and it was amazing to them, that his love to him should be so strong, when he was no relation, only, as they imagined, a common friend. 
Christ's love to all his people, even when they are dead in trespasses and sins, is wonderful, and passes knowledge. And it is amazing indeed, if it be considered who the lover is, the eternal Son of God, who is God over all, blessed for ever, the Creator of all things, the King of kings, and Lord of lords: and also, who they are that are loved by him, not only creatures, but sinful ones, exceeding mean and abject; the base things of this world, bankrupts, beggars, yea, comparable to the beasts that perish; who had nothing external, nor internal, to recommend them to him, and engage his affections; yea, everything to give him an aversion to them, and render them odious in his sight, being enemies in their minds by wicked works, and children of wrath, as others: and likewise, if it be considered what he has done for these, in which his love appears to them; as before time, in espousing their persons, becoming their surety, engaging in covenant with his Father for them, agreeing to all he proposed, taking the care of their persons, and of all blessings and promises, grace and glory for them; and in time here on earth, by assuming their nature, fulfilling the law for them, dying in their room and stead, paying their debts, procuring all blessings for them, peace, pardon, righteousness, and eternal redemption; and now in heaven, by preparing a place for them, being their intercessor and advocate there, supplying their wants, frequently visiting them, and indulging them with communion with himself, preserving them safe to his kingdom and glory, into which he will introduce them, presenting them to his Father with exceeding joy; all which are marvellous acts of love and grace: to which may be added, the consideration of the nature of his love, that it should be from everlasting, before these persons were born; that it should be a love of complacency and delight in them; that it should be free, and unmerited, without any reason, or motive on their part; that it should be distinguishing, that they, and not others, should be the objects of it; and that it should continue unchangeably the same, notwithstanding their manifold transgressions, and provocations; wherefore it may be justly said, behold, how he loved them!"


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0912

Bible study
UNDERSTANDING
"Jesus the true Messiah must die; this was determined in the counsel of God, agreed to by Christ in the covenant of grace, foretold by the prophets from the beginning of the world, typified by sacrifices and other things, under the former dispensation, predicted by Christ himself, and accordingly came to pass; and upon the above accounts was necessary, as well as for the salvation of his people, who otherwise must have perished; and yet was free and voluntary in him, and a strong expression, and a demonstrative proof of his love to them: and not only this prophecy declared, that Jesus should die, but that he should die for that nation, for the nation of the Jews; not for every individual in it, for all of them were not saved by him; some received him not; they rejected him as the Messiah, Saviour, and Redeemer, and died in their sins; but for all the elect of God among them, the sheep of the house of Israel, to whom he was sent, and whom he came to seek and save; and whom he blessed, by turning them away from their iniquities, and by taking away their iniquities from them: and moreover, this prophecy suggests, that Jesus was to die, not merely as a martyr, to confirm with his blood the doctrine he preached, nor only as an example of courage, meekness, patience, and love, but for, or in the room and stead of his people, as their surety; giving his life a ransom and himself a sacrifice to the justice of God, for them; there by fulfilling the law and satisfying it, and appeasing the wrath of God on their account."


I often hear atheists and antireloigoius folks mocking this, "God appeading God" etc. But of COURSR he did! What if he devil had been the one to appease? It never would happen.
God set the bail and paid it Himself to show us that NOTHING CAN STOP HIS LOVE.
Our debt of sin and disobedience ultimately served to show the absolute depth Nd power of His mercy. He never wanted us to be lost or damnrd! That wasn't the intention or the point!
The wrath of God is against SIN, not humaniind.

Jesus died "In our place & space"


"Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.—The words are given in the touching simplicity of the message just as they were sent by the sorrowing sisters. They feel that the sad news needs no addition, and that there is no necessity for a prayer for help. Weakness, conscious of strength which loves, needs but to utter itself."

Thinking about how we STILL hysterically beg God "not to kill us" when the slightest trouble happens. What a weak faith we still have, Lord have mercy on us 

"We have before us here a man looking at events from a mind full of the darkest apprehension. He is without hope that a return to Judæa can have any but one issue for his Master. The night is so clearly seen that the brightness of day is obscured. But with all this there is the full love of a devoted disciple, who will follow his Master even unto death."

Thinking about this in light of the Eucharist =
"The words express a half-formed hope, which she dare not utter, perhaps dare not even think, that her brother may be restored to life again... Her brother had been the friend of Jesus; they had all trusted in His power and His love. Words had come to them from Him telling that this sickness should not issue in death, but that it should further God’s glory and glorify the Son. And now He is Himself present. His words cannot fail, and He Himself cannot be there without a purpose. She dare not say more; but she rests in this, that there is unity of power and will between Him and the Father. Whatsoever He asks, God will give."

"(25) I am the resurrection, and the life.—She has spoken of the resurrection as a truth which she believes, and as an event in the far-off future, so remote from the present life indeed, as to be powerless to comfort her now. The two first words of His answer, expressed in the fulness of emphasis, teach her that the resurrection is to be thought of as His person, and that it is to be thought of as actually present.I,”—his words mean—“and none beside Me, am the Resurrection. I am the Resurrection—a present life, and not simply a life in the remoteness of the last day.” In the same sense in which He has declared Himself to be the Water of Life and the Bread of Life, supplying in Himself every need of spiritual thirst and spiritual hunger, He declares Himself to be the Resurrection, revealing in His own person all that men had ever thought and hoped of a future life, being Himself the power which shall raise them at the last day, and could therefore raise them now. This is because He is also “the Life,” and therefore every one in communion with Him shall live... She thinks and speaks of Lazarus as dead. He asserts that in the true thought of the spiritual life the fact of physical death does not interrupt that life... The fact of what we call physical death is not denied, but in the fulness of the thought of life it is regarded as the passage to a new and higher life [through Christ]."


This is hitting hard=
"John’s Gospel is “The Word was made flesh,” and He is for us the Resurrection and the Life, because He has been manifested to us, not as an abstraction which the intellect only could receive, but as a person, living a human life, and knowing its sorrows, whom the heart can grasp and love. A “God in tears” has provoked the smile of the stoic and the scorn of the unbeliever; but Christianity is not a gospel of self-sufficiency, and its message is not merely to the human intellect. It is salvation for the whole man and for every man; and the sorrowing heart of humanity has never seen more clearly the divinity of the Son of Man than when it has seen His glory shining through His human tears... the sympathy with human sorrow is no less part of His nature than the union with divine strength."


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0913

REMEMBER THIS.
"God has determined to work in the behalf of men only in proportion to their faith in him: it was necessary, therefore, that these persons should be well instructed concerning his nature, that they might find no obstacles to their faith. These sisters had considered him only as a prophet hitherto; and it was necessary that they should now be farther instructed, that, as God was to exert himself, they might believe that God was there."
"Verse 40. If thou wouldest believe, &c.] So it appears that it is faith alone that interests the miraculous and saving power of God in behalf of men."



Pasting this from today as it's fascinating =

"And the Romans shall come and take away both our place and nation.—The dread of the Roman power must have been constantly present to the Jews of that generation... Pontius Pilate had suppressed outbreaks by violence in the Temple itself. There had been tumults in connection with the Corban money and with Barabbas. The Temple mountain was the site of the Roman fortress Antonia, and this dread power may at any moment destroy the national life, which only existed on sufferance.
The attempts to prove that “our place” can mean “the Temple” must now be given up; and if we attach a local meaning to the word we must understand it of Jerusalem. It may, however, be questioned whether the word has any local signification here. Like our words “standing,” and “place,” and “position,” it certainly may have a moral sense, and New Testament examples of this usage are frequent... It is suggested that this sense is more in harmony with the feeling of the Pharisees. They possessed no local power; and the city could not be taken away from them more entirely than it already was. Their existence as rulers depended upon the Mosaic law and upon the services of the Temple. Round these centres they had gathered human tradition and ordinance, to which they clung because they only could interpret them, and they only could use the vast powers which were thus exercised over men. The Law had become practically an intricate system of tradition, and the Temple-service had become practically an intricate system of ritual. With this the Roman empire, following its usual policy, had not interfered, and the Jewish hierarchy had become the centre and the rulers of the national life."


THAT WAS WHY JESUS CALLED THEM SUCH HYPOCRITES!!!
THE WORSHIP WAS JUST RITUAL BEHAVIOR, AUTOMATED & MECHANICAL, EMPTY & SHOWY, FOR THE SIMPLE SAKE OF GIVING THE PHARISEES SOMETHING TO CONTROL, RULE, DEFINE, COMPLICATE, AND ENFORCE.
THEY WERE LITERALLY MAKING THEMSELVES GOD.
THERE WAS NO ACTUAL HEART OR SOUL IN THE RITUALS & TRADITIONS IN AND OF THEMSELVES.
THEIR RELIGION WAS NOW JUST AN INTRICATE DANCE ROUTINE– ONE THAT ROME WOULDN'T TOUCH SOLELY BECAUSE IT WAD RELIGIOUS!!! BUT THEREFORE IT WAS A SOURCE OF POWER & CONTROL & AUTHORITY, HOWEVER PLASTICINE, THAT ROME COULDN'T TAKE (SO THEY HOPED)!!!

"But in direct opposition to both of them had been the work and teaching of Christ. He had sought to establish, for law and service, the simplicity of their first spiritual principles. His spiritual teaching was a cutting to the very root of their whole being. If all the people believed on Him their raison d’être would be gone, and the Romans would no longer suffer an imperium in imperio, which they now allowed because it swayed the masses of the people. They would take both their position, and with it the rank which they still claimed as a nation. = The emphatic position of the word “our” should be noted, and also that “place and nation” are linked together as one complex thought attached to it."


It's amazing how they don't even CONSIDER changing their "raison d’être" TO Christ. They want THEIR power THAT BADLY, No matter how unstable & unsure it apparently was even to them.

This also feels relevant to modern times =
"Verse 48. All men will believe on him — If we permit him to work but a few more miracles like these two last (the cure of the blind man, and the resurrection of Lazarus) he will be universally acknowledged for the Messiah; the people will proclaim him king; and the Romans, who can suffer no government here but their own, will be so irritated that they will send their armies against us, and destroy our temple, and utterly dissolve our civil and ecclesiastical existence. Thus, under the pretense of the public good, these men of blood hide their hatred against Christ, and resolve to put him to death. To get the people on their side, they must give the alarm of destruction to the nation: if this man be permitted to live, we shall be all destroyed! Their former weapons will not now avail. On the subject of keeping the Sabbath, they had been already confounded; and his last miracles were so incontestable that they could no longer cry out, He is a deceiver.
Both our place and nation. — Literally, this place, τον τοπον: but that the temple only is understood is dear from Acts 6:13-14; Acts 2:0 Macc. 1:14; 2:18; 3:18; 5:16, 17; 10:7; where it is uniformly called the place, or the holy place, because they considered it the most glorious and excellent place in the world. When men act in opposition to God's counsel, the very evils which they expect thereby to avoid will come upon them. They said, If we do not put Jesus to death, the Romans will destroy both our temple and nation. Now, it was because they put him to death that the Romans burnt and razed their temple to the ground, and put a final period to their political existence.'

I CAN TRAGICALLY BUT HUMBLY ATTEST TO THAT FACT.

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Love this perspective, strive to live it wholeheartedly =
"Let us also go, that we may die with him. — That is, "Seeing we cannot dissuade our Lord from going, and his death is likely to be the inevitable consequence, let us give him the fullest proof we can of our love, by going and suffering death with him." Some think Thomas spoke these words peevishly, and that they should be translated thus, Must we also go, and expose ourselves to destruction with him? which is as much as to say: "If he will obstinately go and risk his life in so imminent a danger, let us act with more prudence and caution." But I think the first sense is to be preferred. When a matter is spoken which concerns the moral character of a person, and which may be understood in a good and a bad sense, that sense which is most favourable to the person should certainly be adopted. This is taking things by the best handle, and both justice and mercy require it. The conduct of most men widely differs from this: of such an old proverb says, "They feed like the flies - pass over all a man's whole parts, to light upon his sores.""



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THIS IS OUR HISTORY =
"Could not this man, which opened the eyes, c.] Through the maliciousness of their hearts, these Jews considered the tears of Jesus as a proof of his weakness. We may suppose them to have spoken thus: "If he loved him so well, why did he not heal him? And if he could have healed him, why did he not do it, seeing he testifies so much sorrow at his death? Let none hereafter vaunt the miracle of the blind man's cure if he had been capable of doing that, he would not have permitted his friend to die." Thus will men reason, or rather madden, concerning the works and providence of God; till, by his farther miracles of mercy or judgment, he converts or confounds them."


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0914

"The afflictions of the saints are designed for the glory of God, that he may have opportunity of showing them favour; for the sweetest mercies, and the most effecting, are those which are occasioned by trouble. Let this reconcile us to the darkest dispensations of Providence, they are all for the glory of God, this sickness, this loss, or this disappointment, is so; and, if God be glorified, we ought to be satisfied... As, before, the man was born blind that Christ might have the honour of curing him, so Lazarus must be sick and die, that Christ may be glorified as the Lord of life. Let this comfort those whom Christ loves under all their grievances that the design of them all is that the Son of God may be glorified thereby, his wisdom, power, and goodness, glorified in supporting and relieving them." (see 2 Corinthians 12:9; 2 Corinthians 12:10.)
EVEN IF ONLY SPIRITUALLY, WHICH IS A GREATER GIFT & MIRACLE.

"Here was Martha's house, a house where the fear of God was, and on which his blessing rested, yet made a house of mourning. Grace will keep sorrow from the heart, not from the house."

"Christ will arise in favour of his people when the time to favour them, yea, the set time, is come; and the worst time is commonly the set time-- when our hope is lost, and we are cut off for our parts; then they shall know that I am the Lord when I have opened the graves (Ezekiel 37:11-13). In the depths of affliction, let this therefore keep us out of the depths of despair: that man's extremity is God's opportunity."
"When Christ tells his people at any time how bad the case is, He lets them know in the same breath how easily, how quickly, He can mend it... [and yet,] promised salvations, though they always come surely, yet often come slowly."

⭐"When Christ defers his visits for a time they are thereby made the more acceptable, much the more welcome; so it was here. His departures endear his returns, and his absence teaches us how to value his presence."

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WHEN WE COULDN'T GO TO MASS IN AUGUST.
We were powerfully moved to appreciate & adore the Eucharist more. It also moved us to a deeper moral courage in eventually running to daily Mass!

"[Whatever] Christ undertakes to do, we may be sure, is something great and uncommon, and a work worthy of Himself."



Thinking about ALL of this =
"As a trial of the courage of the disciples, whether they would venture to follow him thither, where they had so lately been frightened by an attempt upon their Master's life, which they looked upon as an attempt upon theirs too. To go to Judea, which was so lately made too hot for them, was a saying that proved them. BUT Christ did not say, "Go you into Judea, and I will stay and take shelter here;" no, Let us go. Note, Christ never brings His people into any peril [unless] He accompanies them in it, and is with them even when they walk through the valley of the shadow of death."
"Christ's disciples are apt to make a greater matter of sufferings than their Master does, and to remember injuries longer. He had put up with the affront, it was over and gone, and forgotten, but His disciples could not forget it... Christ's ways in passing by offences are above our ways. "Wilt thou expose thyself among a people that are so desperately enraged against thee? Goest thou thither again, where thou hast been so ill used?"... Yet, while the disciples show a concern for his safety, they discover at the same time, First, A distrust of his power; as if he could not secure both himself and them now in Judea as well as he had done formerly... Secondly, A secret fear of suffering themselves; for they count upon this if he suffer. When our own private interests happen to run in the same channel with those of the public, we are apt to think ourselves zealous for the Lord of hosts, when really we are only zealous for our own wealth, credit, ease, and safety, and seek our own things, under colour of seeking the things of Christ; we have therefore need to distinguish upon our principles."
"[Their erroneous response] intimates... A greater concern for themselves; for hereby they insinuate that it was now needless for Christ to go to him, and expose himself and them. "If he sleep, he will be quickly well, and we may stay where we are." Thus we are willing to hope that the good work which we are called to do will do itself, or will be done by some other hand, if there be peril in the doing of it."

I feel hard convicted by all of that. Reflect soberly on it.

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THIS HIT SO HARD =
"Let us also go that we may die with him; with him, that is, [in one interpretation,] with Lazarus, who was now dead; so some take it. Lazarus was a dear and loving friend both to Christ and his disciples, and perhaps Thomas had a particular intimacy with him. Now if he be dead, saith he, let us even go and die with him. For, First, "If we survive, we know not how to live without him." Probably Lazarus had done them many good offices, sheltered them, and provided for them, and been to them instead of eyes; and now that he was gone they had no man like-minded, and "Therefore," saith he, "we had as good die with him." Thus we are sometimes ready to think our lives bound up in the lives of some that were dear to us: but God will teach us to live, and to live comfortably, upon himself, when those are gone without whom we thought we could not live."
"Martha, in her complaint, looked back, reflecting with regret that Christ was not there, for then, thinks she, my brother had been now alive. We are apt, in such cases, to add to our own trouble, by fancying what might have been. "If such a method had been taken, such a physician employed, my friend had not died;" which is more than we know: but what good does this do? When God's will is done, our business is to submit to him. Christ directs Martha, and us in her, to look forward, and to think what shall be, for that is a certainty, and yields sure comfort: Thy brother shall rise again. [For] as the soul at death is not lost, but gone before, so the body is not lost, but laid up... [on the last day,] there shall be a particular resurrection of each one: "I know that I shall rise again, and this and the other relation that was dear to me." As bone shall return to his bone in that day, so friend to his friend."

WE DID NOT HAVE THIS FAITH OR AWARENESS WHEN GRANDMA DIED.
EVEN WORSE, WHAT LITTLE WE KNEW OF HEAVEN, WE ASSUMED WE WOULD BE EXCLUDED????
WE LEGIT THOUGHT WE'D NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

"See our weakness and folly, that we suffer present sensible things to make a deeper impression upon us, both of grief and joy, than those things which are the objects of faith... thus, by our discontent under present crosses, we greatly undervalue our future hopes, and put a slight upon them, as if not worth regarding."
"Object permanence of a baby" with this. Tunnel vision. Trauma brain. Cannot properly grasp the IDEA of a future, let alone a hopeful one.

Knee-jerk terror at this bit=
"When godly relations and friends are taken from us, whatever occasion we have to be afflicted concerning ourselves, who are left behind and miss them, we have reason to be comforted concerning those who are gone before us to a happiness where they have no need of us."
That makes heaven seem aloof & uncaring. It's a misinterpretation though.
I think, long ago, we typed about this sentiment-- how we ultimately wished for our loved ones NOT to "need us" to be happy, because then we would be NO OBSTACLE to their joy.

Another tough one to properly grasp=
"Lazarus is gone, and our comfort in him is gone; but the Master is come, who is better than the dearest friend, and has that in him which will abundantly make up all our losses. He is come who is our teacher, who will teach us how to get good by our sorrow (Psalms 94:12), who will teach, and so comfort." 
The human instinct is to read this & falsely see her faith as cold & uncaring,
Yet ..
"When Christ our Master comes, he calls for us. He comes in his word and ordinances, calls us to them, calls us by them, calls us to himself. He calls for thee in particular, for thee by name (Psalms 27:8); and, if he call thee, he will cure thee, he will comfort thee."


Moved by this thought =
"Martha was earnestly expecting Christ's arrival, and enquiring for it. Either she had sent out messengers, to bring her tidings of his first approach, or she had often asked, Saw you him whom my soul loveth? so that the first who discovered him ran to her with the welcome news. However it was, she heard of his coming before he arrived. She had waited long, and often askedIs he come? and could hear no tidings of him; but long-looked-for came at last."
That's SOLID FAITH in His compassion. She didn't even consider "well maybe He won't come, maybe this isn't important." No. She KNEW He loved her & her siblings. She BELIEVED in His promise of Life. Her heart was anchored in His fidelity.
BUT???
"She believed Christ's power, that, though her brother's sickness was very grievous, yet he could have cured it, and so have prevented his death. She believed his pity, that if he had but seen Lazarus in his extreme illness, and his dear relations all in tears about him, he would have had compassion, and have prevented so sad a breach, for his compassions fail not. But, Here are sad instances of unbelief. Her faith was TRUE, BUT WEAK as a bruised reed, for she limits the power of Christ, in saying, If thou hadst been here; whereas she ought to have known that Christ could cure at a distance, and that his gracious operations were not limited to his bodily presence."


RELEVANT TO SOCIALS BARRING US FROM RELIGIOUS TRUTH=
" The least intimation of Christ's gracious approaches is enough to a lively faith, which stands ready to take the hint, and answer the first call. When Christ was come, [1.] She did not consult the decorum of her mourning, but, forgetting ceremony, and the common usage in such cases, she ran through the town, to meet Christ. Let no nice punctilios of decency and honour deprive us at any time of opportunities of conversing with Christ. [2.] She did not consult her neighbours, the Jews that were with her, comforting her; she left them all, to come to him, and did not only not ask their advice, but not so much as ask their leave, or beg their pardon for her rudeness."

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0915

⭐"Nature itself teaches us to weep over our dear relations, when they are removed by death; Providence thereby calls to weeping and mourning... Religion teaches us likewise to weep with them that weep... considering that we ourselves also are in the body. Those that truly love their friends will share with them in their joys and griefs; for what is friendship but a communication of affections?"

SO ALL THE ALLEGEDLY "RELIGIOUS" SCORN & MOCKERY & CONDEMNATION OF TEARS, IS TOTALLY FALSE!!!!

"[Christ] never groaned so much for His own pains and sufferings as for the sins and follies of men."
We should weep for SIN, NOT SUFFERING. The Cross is life & glory. Sin is death & disgrace.


I needed to hear this, especially concerning the circumstances of grandma's death =
"Here it is slyly insinuated, First, That the death of Lazarus being (as it seemed by his tears) a great grief to him, if he could have prevented it he would, and therefore because he did not they incline to think that he could not; as, when he was dying, they concluded that he could not, because he did not, save himself, and come down from the cross; not considering that divine power is always directed in its operations by divine wisdom, not merely according to his will, but according to the counsel of his will, wherein it becomes us to acquiesce. If Christ's friends, whom he loves, die,--if his church, whom he loves, be persecuted and afflicted,--we must not impute it to any [suspected] defect either in his power or love, but [rightfully] conclude that it is because he sees it for the best."


"Others think [Martha warned of the death stench] out of a concern for Christ, lest the smell of the dead body should be offensive to him. That which is very noisome is compared to an open sepulchre. If there were any thing noisome she would not have her Master near it; but he was none of those tender and delicate ones that cannot bear as ill smell; if he had, he would not have visited the world of mankind, which sin had made a perfect dunghill."
That's weirdly reassuring, for an odious sinner like myself. Christ won't avoid me just because I'm a filthy wretch. I need Him to come close & not cringe in disgust. This gives me solid hope. Even if my soul is in spiritual graverot, Christ CAN STILL SAVE ME... and He won't plug His nose to do it, either.

"Christ does not give a direct answer to what Martha had said, nor any particular promise of what he would do, but orders her to keep hold of the general assurances he had already givenOnly believe. We are apt to forget what Christ has spoken, and need him to put us in mind of it by his Spirit: "Said I not unto thee so and so? And dost thou think that he will ever unsay it?"

I JUST REALIZED... HE DOESN'T ALTER HIS LANGUAGE OR SPEECH BETWEEN PERSONS. HIS WORDS ARE TRUE TO ALL AT ALL TIMES, IN THEIR PROPER CONTEXTS.
When He blesses, or declares woe, it is in such a way that ALL HUMANITY IS THE SUBJECT OF BOTH, depending on their state of heart. NO ONE IS AN EXCEPTION. SO STOP THINKING "THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY APPLY TO ME!!" FOR GOOD OR BAD. He can't "unsay" a single word, therefore you must accept it ALL. Those "general assurances" are so for a purpose!!
God is both universal & individual. He is personal & global. HE'S TALKING TO YOU!!!!!!!

"...that which is especially charged upon us hereby is to lift up our hearts to God in the heavens; what is prayer, but the ascent of the soul to God, and the directing of its affections and motions heavenward?"

...in that case, I really am not praying properly. Not for the most part. It's so fearful, so compulsive, like "if I don't say all these prayers mom & dad will be angry & punish me & hurt me." THAT ISN'T PRAYER!!!
I still think this has deeper roots in the "torture rosaries" than I realize. Thank GOD the rosary itself ISN'T A TRIGGER ANYMORE!!!


"Those who infer from the commands of the word to turn and live that man has a power of his own to convert and regenerate himself might as well infer from this call to Lazarus that he had a power to raise himself to life."

THE COMMAND IS JUST THAT-- A COMMAND!!! Christ's Words ARE SPIRIT AND LIFE. When He tells us TO turn and live, those very Words-- if we open our heart to receive & heed-- CONTAIN THE POWER BY GRACE REQUIRED TO OBEY. "My Word shall not return to Me void"!!
So don't worry about your own inability and weakness. If God tells you to do something, if He COMMANDS you to do something, Then He is ALSO giving you the grace and the power TO do it, BY THE VERY COMMAND!!! If He wants it done, He ENABLES THE DOING. We just need to COOPERATE WITH GRACE.

"They do not take it at all into their consideration whether they shall not receive him and own him as the Messiah, though they profess to expect him, and Jesus gave pregnant proofs of his being so; but they take it for granted that he is an enemy, and as such is to be run down: "What do we? Have we no care to support our church? Is it nothing to us that a doctrine so destructive to our interest spreads thus? Shall we tamely yield up the ground we have got in the affections of the people? Shall we see our authority brought into contempt, and the craft by which we get our living ruined, and not bestir ourselves?"

This ALSO applies to our situation, with discerning God's Will in opposition to lies we have believed and even built on. BE CAREFUL.
Church teaching is NOT the enemy, even if we lose catastrophically by it. "If it can be killed by the truth, then let it die"!!! What we will GAIN in its place is TRUTH & LIFE & LIGHT.
 
"The success of the gospel is the dread of its adversaries; if souls be saved, they are undone."

THAT IS ACTUALLY TERRIFYINGLY TRUE. Every single worldly power RELIES on the control of unsaved souls TO exercise ANY power-- because once a soul is anchored in Christ, THEY ARE DEAD TO THE WORLD & THEREFORE FREE.

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0916

"Caiaphas craftily insinuates that the greatest and best man, though major singulis--greater than any one individual, is minor universis--less than the collected mass, and ought to think his life well spent, nay well lost, to save his country from ruin. But what is this to the murdering of one that was evidently a great blessing under pretence of preventing an imaginary mischief to the country... Was it expedient for them to bring upon themselves and upon their nation the guilt of blood, a prophet's blood, for the securing of their civil interests from a danger which they had no just reason to be afraid of? Was it expedient for them to drive God and their glory from them, rather than venture the Romans' displeasure, who could do them no harm if they had God on their side? Note, Carnal policy, which steers only by secular considerations, while it thinks to save all by sin, ruins all at last."

The sly hypocrisy and mangling of truth visible in this scheme is DESPICABLE. The devil is truly the instigator of all falsehood.
That phrase "saving all by sin" is such a horrific false idea that it makes me nauseous. And yet WE ATTEMPTED IT. our past is full of it.

"What before they wished done, but wanted [an excuse] for, now they are furnished with a plausible pretence to justify themselves in, which will serve, if not to take off the guilt (that is the least of their care), yet to take off the odium, and so satisfy, if not the personal, yet the political conscience... Many will go on very securely in doing an evil thing as long as they have but something to say in excuse for it."
THAT DETAIL OF GUILT VS ODIUM & OPPOSING CONSCIENCES PLAYS INTO PERSONAL SIN & RECONCILIATION!!!
Are you sorry for offending God, or for making yourself look bad? Are you sorry for being a bad example of a Christian, or of your political party? If ADMITTING & REPENTING of sin would make you look like a fool, or win you enemies, would you still do so enthusiastically? Do you look for ways of explaining away, softening the blow of, or giving "reasonable motives" for your sins, especially when deep down you KNOW you're sinning BECAUSE you need to take such measures to soothe your nagging conscience? Etc.


"Those who came early out of the country, that they might purify themselves, were very desirous to meet with Christ, and perhaps came up the sooner with that expectation...that they might hear his doctrine and see his miracles." = GET TO CHURCH EARLY FOR HIS SAKE!!! He STILL speaks to us AND WORKS MIRACLES IN & BY THE EUCHARIST at EVERY SINGLE MASS.

"...instead of keeping the feast with unleavened bread, they were themselves soured with the leaven of the worst malice!" = SINCERELY EXAMINE YOUR CONSCIENCE & MAKE A PERFECT ACT OF CONTRITION AND/OR ACTUAL CONFESSION BEFORE RECEIVING THE EUCHARIST. Sometimes I'm convicted of a hidden sin RIGHT before reception, with unbearable guilt. What do I do? Should I skip Communion out of shame?  What I've been doing is wholeheartedly offer that awareness of sin up to God, In that very moment, With all the sorrow and contrition I can muster, and promise with resolve to confess it ASAP. I hope that it okay. I need to ask a priest. The Eucharist is MEDICINE, not a reward!!!!!

"...as if he would omit his attendance on the feast of the Lord for fear of exposing himself. If others, through irreligion, be absent, they are not animadverted upon; but if Christ be absent, for his own preservation (for God will have mercy, and not sacrifice), it is turned to his reproach, as it was to David's that his seat was empty at the feast, though Saul wanted him only that he might have an opportunity of nailing him to the wall with his javelin, 1 Samuel 20:25-27, c. It is sad to see holy ordinances prostituted to such unholy purposes."
THIS IS WHAT WE WERE DOING WHEN WE WERE TOO CHICKEN TO RUN TO MASS AT FIRST.

"For her words seem to imply, Though I know he shall rise again at the last day, yet that affords us but little support now, in the distressing bereavement that we have experienced: as if the blessing of a resurrection to eternal life were not of much greater importance, and much more replete with comfort to a truly pious person, than any recovery from sickness, or restoration to temporal health or life, in this present world of trial and trouble. Alas! that we should be so weak and foolish, as to suffer present, sensible things, to make a deeper impression upon us, both of grief and joy, than those spiritual and eternal things which are the great objects of faith and hope! I know that he shall rise again at the last day And is not that sufficient? She seems not to think it is. Thus, by our discontent under our present trials, we greatly undervalue our future expectations, and put a slight upon them, as if they were not worth regarding... The crosses and comforts of this present time would not make half that impression upon us which they do, if we did but believe the things of eternity as we ought."

I may have pasted this already but it's so important.
(Benson's commentary lifts directly from Henry's btw)

Likewise=
"Reader, when we hear the word of Christ concerning the great things of the other world, we should seriously ask ourselves, Do we believe this? This truth in particular; this, which is attended with so many difficulties; this, which is suited to my case? Doth my belief of it realize it to me, and give my soul an assurance of it? so that I can say, not only this I believe, but thus I believe."


Reflecting HARD on the implications of this truth =
"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister, &c. That is, he loved them with a peculiar affection, on account of their unfeigned piety toward God, their friendship and affection toward one another, and their faith in him as the Messiah, and had often visited them, and lodged at their house. And, in consequence of his peculiar love to them, he was determined to conduct himself toward them, in their present trying circumstances, in such a manner as he knew would be most for their final advantage, though it might, for a while, be an occasion of greater affliction to them."

JESUS CANNOT SIN. JESUS CANNOT CAUSE SIN. EVERYTHING HE DOES, OR ALLOWS, OF HIS OWN WILL, IS FOR GOOD & THE GLORY OF GOD.
THEREFORE!!! The fact that Martha & Mary would SUFFER AFFLICTION from both His delay & their brother's death WAS NOT AN EVIL???? That's HUGE.
Their pain at his death? Not evil, that's compassion.
Their anxiety at his sickness? Not evil, that's familial concern.
True, it might betray a "weakness of faith," but to expect otherwise is pride. To NOT suffer WITH the suffering is COLD HEARTED APATHY, and THAT is evil!!
So, since suffering CAN serve God, then SUFFERING IS NOT INHERENTLY EVIL. It is mortal, sure, and human, but NOT WRONG. God CAN and DOES cause us affliction FOR TRUE GOOD. So running away from such suffering, denying it exists, or trying to redefine it IS OPPOSING GOD'S MYSTERIOUS WILL?

Now mind you, EVIL CAN ALSO USE SUFFERING. But I can tell you this, it FEELS TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!!!!
Suffering is a RESULT of sin, at the beginning. I cannot deny that. But therefore it is paradoxically ALSO WRAPPED UP IN REDEMPTION--- EXPLICITLY IN THE CROSS.
When Jesus said He would redeem everything, HE MEANT EVERYTHING.
Goodness does not cause suffering. But goodness can TRANSMUTE suffering INTO GOOD, which is a great miracle in and of itself.

(Continue this. I can feel i don't have the whole or proper picture. Pray for discerning grace & wisdom to speak truly for His glory.)


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DAILY DEVOTIONALS TO TYPE ABOUT =

"Jesus shared that last meal with his betrayer. He gave Judas every opportunity to repent. In fact, Jesus called out his sin without sugar-coating anything. But Judas remained hard hearted and unrepentant. He sidestepped conviction with the words, “Surely, you don’t mean me Rabbi?”
Judas refused to acknowledge his sin. He refused to allow conviction to penetrate through the layers of prideful self-preservation.
Maybe we don’t willfully betray God, but we persist in some sinful patterns? Do we allow conviction of sin to break us?
What’s God convicting me about? In which areas of my life am I making excuses and not allowing his voice of conviction to change me?"


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0917

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

SO UPSET by this in today's devotional=
"...Communion is also called Eucharist, meaning “thanksgiving”. We accept the gift of His grace. All we do in exchange is express our gratitude. We don’t need to clean up our act. We don’t need to jump through hoops. We don’t need to work for our salvation. The Last Supper is a great reminder that all we have to do is receive that free gift of salvation with a humble and grateful heart."
The last sentence is true, but as for the rest of it-- IS THAT SERIOUSLY HOW NONCATHOLICS THINK????? Geez that is worded DANGEROUSLY POORLY.
(REWRITE IT)
BUT ALSO CONSIDER =
"Do I ever feel like I have to work for my salvation? What gets in the way of simply accepting Jesus’ free gift? Do I look at the sacrament of communion as a chore and a ritual or do I see it as a powerful reminder of the grace of God?"


UNFORTUNATELY... this whole bit of Matthew 6 SOUNDS LIKE AN ANOREXIC CHEATSHEET.
"When you stop eating for God, just be normal and look the same as you always look. Wash your face and comb your hair. Then nobody will know that you have stopped eating..."
"So when you give up eating, comb your hair and wash your face. Then people will not know that you are giving up eating. But your Father, whom you cannot see, will see you. Your Father sees what is done in secret, and he will reward you.
(Matthew 6:17‭-‬18 PEV & ICB)
The Christian eating disorder THINKS JUST LIKE THIS IN AN EVIL WAY. THAT'S HOW TRICKY THE DEVIL IS.

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BIBLE STUDY =

"Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth? Shall I not live out my stint? The Turks shun not the company of those that have the plague; but, pointing upon their foreheads, say, It was written there at their birth when they should die. A priest, indeed, might enter without danger into a leprous house, because he had a calling from God so to do... But he that keeps not within God’s precincts may not look for his protection."

I immediately think of today's reading. Romans 14:8, one of my favorites. "If we live, we honor the Lord, and if we die, we honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."
It's not foolhardiness. It's making GOD the goal of both our life & death, putting both into His hands & striving after NEITHER-- only after ETERNITY IN HIM that MUST be served & sought BY BOTH before!!
Also-- Saint Damien of Molokai, pray for us!

"Gather together in one ] In one spiritual body, though in place never so distant one from another, Ephesians 4:4 ...No such oneness, entireness, anywhere else. Other societies may cleave together... but not incorporate."

I was actually just thinking about this during holy communion today,  In light of my terrible fear of invasion/violation & being "Taken over by" other people.
Christ said, I'm united to HIM, and THROUGH Him, to all His people! Its NOT CARNAL. I'm not "being fused" with millions of humans. We're ALL becoming ONE IN JESUS. Again, its like BEING MULTIPLE. There is a different, deeper, truer, more beautiful union than any horrid fleshly fear of it.

"We must also purify ourselves before the sacrament from all filthiness of flesh and spirit, 1 Corinthians 11:27-31"

Those verses HAUNT ME. I still fear, constantly, that I am guilty somehow of that fatally inexpiable sin of irreverence.
I REALLY need to talk to a priest about all this.

"This [zealous cruelty of Christ's murderers] is check to our indolence in the best things. What a shame is it, that they should outwork the children of light in a thorough despatch of their deeds of darkness, and be at more pains to go to hell than we will be to go to heaven."

Remember, indolence means "indifference to pain," or even more bluntly, "without grieving." It is a lack of ache, a dearth of feeling, a spiritual insensibility. It is a callous where your heart should be. It is one who seeks ease, comfort, pleasure, & softness to the point of rot.


"Mary seems to have been the only person upon the face of the earth with the least knowledge of the approaching death of Jesus. She, who loved to sit at His feet, learned more than Peter and John and James of the Apostles."

Consider the depth of that. Her sitting there was an act of total humble trust & listening openness & pure affection. It was childlike, all sparkling wonder & rapt attention, yet wrapped up in silent littleness.
Remember, too, Mary's life prior to conversion. That makes this response of hers to Jesus all the more powerful & inspiring & humbling.


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0918

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

"With the heart man believes unto righteousness. Put to the test, we refuse to be governed wholly by our reason, and we refuse every day. A man who never thought or acted, save upon the full consent of his reason, would be a sorry creature, and his life a dismal spectacle. There is a logic of the heart which is stronger than the logic of the reason... Faith is a venture, the venture of the soul, in opposition to the [exclusivity of] reason."

Intrigued by this too. Have to take it carefully-- ironically, AGAINST "reason," which WILL use logic paranoia to pick out every possible flaw. Reason by itself IS a pitifully fragile thing; it does not grasp just how small & ignorant it truly is.
Faith, however, has a shockingly boundless power.

"Christ wept tears of indignation for the grievous wrong that had been done to man... Death entered into the world by sin. Jesus felt the deep wrongousness of the usurper's rule. The anarchy that had invaded human life stirred His soul to its lowest depths: the wrong under which man bled, and earth became a charnel-house, wrought Him to a Divine fury, the more deep because so calm; and the scalding tears that fell from Him measured the intensity of the internal protest He had lodged and the resolve He had taken that He would yet abolish death, and set His brethren free. Christ's is no impotent pity, it is a pledge of deliverance."

...that means so much to me as a believer.
It also is exactly the divine echo that Laurie MUST keep in her heart.

"A strong man's tears are always sacred. They are symbolical of much, and the fountains from which they spring are hardly to be unearthed without profanity."

"The Scriptures speak much on the subject of tears, and often emphasise the sacredness of weeping. It would be worth while to go through the Bible and notice all those who are brought in weeping; and one thing that you would learn very distinctly by such a study would be this: that weeping belongs to true manliness not less than to true womanliness."
"Though He was the Son of God He never wrapped Himself up in a garment of stoical indifference; and still He is the same, yesterday, and today, and for ever."
"He does not expect us to put on the garment of stoicism which He never wore Himself, when our Lazarus is dead and is carried out to the cold and lonely grave. There are many things that will never be seen by eyes that have not been salved with tears."

THANK YOU!!!
Man I needed to hear ALL of that TWENTY-SIX YEARS AGO
 
I'm Changing this so it's not borderline heresy because the truth beneath still stands for mankind =
"Sometimes, our pain in prayer is due to the collision of our will with the Divine will-- Or, shall we rather say, our tears are the sign of the reconciliation of our will to that of God our Father. If there had been nothing but collision-- hard, unbending collision-- we would not have wept; we would instead have hardened ourself against our Father's will. But in our love of God, and our honest albeit feeble desire to do His will, our tears are truly the indication of reconciliation: they are the sign and the sacrament of peace, by the very virtue of their pain."
Let me tell you, we have SO MANY prayers like this, virtually every day now. This is a deep consolation & encouragement.

"There is [only] one kind of tears that Jesus never wept. These are the tears of penitence."
CONSIDER THE EARTHSHATTERING DEPTHS OF THIS.
Jesus wept tears of sorrow, tears of grief, tears of righteous anger, tears of joy, tears of wonder, tears of love.
...



"It was the deeper anguish into which mourners are plunged by looking upon death as extinction, and by supposing that death separates from God and from life, instead of giving closer access to God and more abundant life-- it was this which caused Jesus to groan. He could not bear this evidence that even the best of God’s children do not believe in God as greater than death, and in death as ruled by God.
This gives us the key to Christ’s belief in immortality, and to all sound belief in immortality. It was Christ’s sense of God, His uninterrupted consciousness of God, His distinct knowledge that God the loving Father is the existence in whom all live-- it was this which made it impossible for Christ to think of death as extinction or separation from God. For one who consciously lived in God to be separated from God was impossible. For one who was bound to God by love, to drop out of that love into nothingness or desolation was inconceivable. His constant and absolute sense of God gave Him an unquestioning sense of immortality. We cannot conceive of Christ having any shadow of doubt of a life beyond death; and if we ask why it was so, we further see it was because it was impossible for Him to doubt of the existence of God-- the ever-living, ever-loving God... Believing in the fatherly and undying love of the Eternal God, He knows that death cannot harm, still less destroy, the children of God."
"And this is the order or conviction in us all. It is vain to try and build up a faith in immortality by natural arguments, or even by what Scripture records... The faith of immortality depends on a sense of it begotten, not on an argument for it concluded. And this sense of immortality is begotten when a man is truly born again, and instinctively feels himself an heir of things beyond this world into which his natural birth has ushered him; when he begins to live in God; when the things of God are the things among which and for which he lives; when his spirit is in daily and free communication with God; when he partakes of the Divine nature, finding his joy in self-sacrifice and love, in those purposes and dispositions which can be exercised in any world where men are, and with which death seems to have no conceivable relation. But, on the other hand, for a man to live for the world, to steep his soul in carnal pleasures and blind himself by highly esteeming what belongs only to earth-- for such a man to expect to have any intelligent sense or perception of immortality is out of the question... no argument, [either for or against,] should make us indifferent to the question whether at death we are to be extinguished or to live on in happier, fuller life."

...That is one of the most gravely convicting truths I've ever heard.
And it's the KEY to WHY we felt "eternity in our very blood" during the Jay days, but it STOPPED WITH CNC. We're still, admittedly & disturbingly, trying to get that back. Well, this tells us WHY we're struggling, and what we MUST do.

We do not think enough about the afterlife, of what's below and above... you get the picture.
We NEED to read these bits thoroughly & repeatedly, to let them sink in deep, and by grace to understand & integrate them fully in the process.


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0919

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

Christine Caine VOTD! I like her a lot.
Matthew 5:5. Hit hard in light of immediate spiritual crisis.
Basically, Stop trying so hard to be "good enough, holy enough, righteous enough, clean enough, smart enough," etc. For God to love & accept you. By yourself, you've got NOTHING to offer God. But HE gives us JESUS, Who is EVERYTHING. And we live from within HIM.
Remember what we read yesterday about heaven & eternal life: it's based on RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. And if THAT is the core of the Kingdom of Heaven, then to be "poor in spirit" in light of that truth means to be empty of everything BUT Him. We have no "other wealth." We have no "savings set aside" on earth. We are not "rich" in pride and its lies. We RECOGNIZE we are lacking, and THANK GOD, because that's ALL ROOM FOR GOD TO FILL. "The rich He sends away empty," remember-- but even then, that's so that they, too, can turn around and BE FILLED with true wealth & goodness & holiness & LOVE instead of the gold-spraypaint lies of the devil & the world. 
I'll paste the actual devotional reflection below so we can type on it further; we have a history of war against avarice & self-righteousness so we NEED to make sure that CHRIST'S TRUTH in this beatitude is powerfully integrated into our soul and active life. 

Beautiful kids devotional questions & answers =
"What question do you want to explore using God's Word as a guide?
Does God love me even when I make mistakes? - Romans 5:8 =  [So it is proof of God's own love for us, that Christ died for us while we were still sinners.]
Who does God say I am? - Ephesians 2:10 = [We are God's work of art, created in Christ Jesus for the good works which God has already designated to make up our way of life.]
What is my purpose? - 1 Peter 2:9 = [But you are a chosen race, a kingdom of priests, a holy nation, a people to be a personal possession to sing the praises of God who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.]

THIS ONE SENT ME REELING =
"To know where we are, and to know where we are going, we need to know where we began. Too often, we forget our true origin; we forget that the story of humanity did not begin with the fall. Our story started with the image of God.
Beauty. Wonder. Life. THIS is what God has placed at the core of our being. Nothing can change our identity as children of God, declared so emphatically at the cross.
Sin is a stain upon the fabric; it is not the fabric itself. We were made for good and, despite the fall, we retain that shining potential. [That is why] the fullness of life that Christ offers us isn’t about running away from our humanity, it’s about running back into it – it’s about reconnecting with who we were created to be."

Just... I needed this. I FORGOT this.
THAT'S THE HEART OF THE INCARNATION. IT'S ABOUT REDEEMING OUR ORIGINAL, SACRED HUMANITY-- NOT REJECTING IT!!!!
TYPE ABOUT EVERY LINE OF THIS.


"Jesus wept - It has been remarked that this is the shortest verse in the Bible; but it is exceedingly important and tender. It shows the Lord Jesus as a friend, a tender friend, and evinces his character as a man. And from this we learn:
1. That the most tender personal friendship is not inconsistent with the most pure religion. Piety binds stronger the ties of friendship, makes more tender the emotions of love, and seals and sanctifies the affections of friends.
2. It is right, it is natural, it is indispensable for the Christian to sympathize with others in their afflictions. Romans 12:15; “rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”
3. Sorrow at the death of friends is not improper. It is right to weep. It is the expression of nature, and religion does not forbid or condemn it. All that religion does in the case is to temper and chasten our grief; to teach us to mourn with submission to God; to weep without complaining, and to seek to banish tears, not by hardening the heart or forgetting the friend, but by bringing the soul, made tender by grief, to receive the sweet influences of religion, and to find calmness and peace in the God of all consolation.
4. We have here an instance of the tenderness of the character of Jesus. The same Savior wept over Jerusalem, and felt deeply for poor, dying sinners. To the same tender and compassionate Saviour Christians may now come (Hebrews 4:15); and to him the penitent sinner may also come, knowing that he will not cast him away."

I cannot overemphasize these bits about Godly sorrow. We've suffocated that emotion in ourself for far too long. This entire paragraph brings us to shame. Lord please make our heart tender again, and please, don't let us cringe in disgust at such words anymore. You know what's wrong. We don't. Please show us the wound, so we can offer it to You, and please heal us quickly. 

"Others, who saw [the miracle], and did not believe that Jesus was the Messiah, went and told it to the Pharisees. But they did not deny that Jesus had raised up Lazarus. They could not deny it. The very ground of their alarm - the very reason why they went - was that he had actually done it. Nor did the Pharisees dare to call the fact in question. If they could have done it, they would... We see here the different effect which the word and works of God will have on different individuals. Some are converted and others are hardened; yet the evidence of this miracle was as clear to the one as the other. But they would not be convinced... If they admitted that he performed miracles, it was clear what they ought to do. They should have received him as the Messiah. It may be asked, If they really believed that he worked miracles, why did they not believe on him? To this it may be replied that they did not doubt that impostors might work miracles. To this opinion they were led, probably, by the wonders which the magicians performed in Egypt... As they regarded the tendency of the doctrines of Jesus to draw off the people from the worship of God, and from keeping his law, they did not suppose themselves bound to follow him, even if he did work miracles."

THE PROBLEM IS THAT THEY WEREN'T CONSIDERING THE FRUITS OF THE MIRACLES, THE PURE & COMPASSIONATE NATURE OF THEM, AND THE UTTERLY HUMBLE & PIOUS CHARACTER OF CHRIST WHO WORKED THEM. Prudent hesitation to believe any wonder-worker aside, they were STILL obstinate in their pride, refusing to admit that Jesus was ILLUMINATING the Law, and drawing people into a more honest, understanding, practical observance of it. The Pharisees still clung to their power & authority, bottom line, and it blinded them. Even if they did claim this "impostor" suspicion, they STILL weren't willing to ADMIT HIS LEGITIMACY if He indeed proved TO be genuinely God-sent. They were entering the entire judgment process WITH A PREJUDICE. They didn't WANT to admit His verity. It was too earthshaking a Truth for them to integrate in their current confused spiritual state, as tangled up in politics as they were.


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(CLICK FOR SEPTEMBER 20TH)

(CLICK FOR PART TWO)

(CLICK FOR PART THREE)

prismaticbleed: (Default)
2023-08-29 10:16 pm

daily journals = august 2023


we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.


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0801

Up at 1045, phone call

Tried FOUR mass livestreams, all broken
Said rosary & chaplet instead
Watched St Clare again at noon

BK prep
Spice pepper upset, Laurie referenced commentary "authority & mercy" = knowledge in order to HEAL

Talk over nousfoni death
Started by our asking Mulberry about her job, she's a Social BUT SHE WORKED WITH SHERLOCK who was NOT an Archivist originally but an INTERCESSOR???
Missing Garrison, BUT obviously "reborn" in Sirius??
Mimic asking how all this works
"Soft resets" like Laurie's axe, hard resets like Lynne's "reabsorbing"
DIFFERENT RESULTS based on STABILITY/ STATUS of nousfoni that dies??
Wondering about Nathaniel. Told Mimic s/he was "The original blepofoni"
Scalpel being Javier's successor, "he was never stable" + ARTIFICIAL

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0802

Last night before bed: visiting Mimic asleep, Darkrai protecting him from nightmares. Not ventrium. Asked about, said i might have to look for him in realm of death???
Talking to Hoopa about this after. Decided NO.
REMEMBER the City is now overgrown forest ruins WITH SNOW!!!

Woke up early, 10am
Did some prep.  Measured out and put away some food for later because doing it this early bypasses the lotophagoi compulsion to taste everything

Mom call, no reception, hung up.  Made us a nervous wreck though thinking what it could be about
This wasn't helped by the fact that we are getting flashbacks all morning from  Last night's trauma entry transcription

Rosary, chaplet, eternal rests before mass
" Let us always spend time with Christ in the Eucharist, And it will change us for the better, Because we are always changed for the better when we spend time with those we love"

Mom call was nothing serious, But incredibly interesting
She called that local priest that is going to look into actual Demonic curses on our family???  Possibly meeting him this Saturday after mass to discuss it more in-depth.

BK prep SLICE?????
Yellow, GIRL???

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0803

Up early phone call mom = Jade bath visit again

Church livestream no audio; Different mass on website
ARK HOMILY hit hard

Leaguework notes for spheres 2 & 3

Wedding at cana argument; reading through books on shelf
Forgot how much i love just sitting on the floor paging through this little library of ours

BIBLE STUDY HITS!!!!!!!
FINALLY PERFECT CLARIFICATION ON JUSTICE
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

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0804

FIRST FRIDAY
Shopping & Adoration 
Regular afternoon. Prayer & housework. 
BANJO & TITAN
Some very profound moments, painful but loving even so, with Chaos 0
We're talking a LOT thanks to the movies. We sit together on the couch, before during and after, and in all of those different times we have different conversations.
But... we haven't been talking this much in a LONG time. and... we haven't spent this much time just being close to each other in even longer.
this is good. even just as a start, this is wonderful. thank you God.
yes it hurts, but lonely broken bruised hearts full of weeping are going to hurt.
it means the entire world, though, to realize that such a heart trusts and loves you enough to get that close despite all its wounds. it means, you're safe. it means, you're a place of refuge even then. it means, you can handle this pain, and understand it.
i am grateful for every single moment of this. may God bless us with so many more.

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0809

Sick? So tired. Feel wrong somehow.

Knife angry tears over cutting = NOT MEANT TO BE FOOD, BUT RETRIBUTION.
Also his color ONLY LOCKS IN WHEN HE PRAYS.

Razor being VERY philosophical today.

Everyone fronting for wall prayers. I missed this.
Siobhan super clear

BARRY IN SUITS OF AMOR????
HE MIGHT WAKE UP THAT ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

The burden is NOT prayer time, it's my STUBBORN RESISTANCE to such sustained effort
I DO love to pray, but I keep postponing and resisting it solely because it takes SO LONG and it requires SUSTAINED ATTENTIVE WORK and i'm stupid and weak.


SO MUCH MESS & MISTAKES WITH FOOD TODAY.
Legitimately threw "me" into a moral panic
So scared. Why?

Getting tiny synchronicities with Scripture again btw

This PERFECTLY describes Infi's fate, from CNC to hir literal death:
"And sin entered into the world through the seduction and false statements of the devil, by which the first man was veritably slain, his moral nature killed outright. Grace was not shut out, but Adam died. In the day that he ate of the forbidden tree, man most surely and in the deepest sense died. "God created man to be immortal, and made him to be an image of his own eternity. Nevertheless, through envy of the devil came death into the world..."

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0812

Less sick today, but still anxiously unwell.
Neuropathy, weakness, lightheaded, blackout feeling.

that one vague, oddly social Jewel talking from the background today? "I want mimic to retire for a while so that chaos 0 can come into the spotlight, And I can grow closer to him like I used to in the beginning"

mimic's wry response, "I'll retire if you give me a world to retire to"
"You keep saying there's a place ready for me there, but there's no door."

this is a HUGE revelation actually
jewel does keep saying, "yeah there's room for you in this world, OR MAYBE this one, etc..." basically, "i can feel a resonant potential spot for you there." like, if you want to walk in, it would let you.
but there's NO WAY TO "WALK IN."
JEWEL IS THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF SHE DOESN'T LET OUTSPACERS IN, THEY CANNOT DO IT THEMSELVES.
and the jewel that used to do that is NOT CLOSE TO MIMIC.
this is our dilemma. LINKS ARE REQUIRED.
NO JEWELS ARE FORMING LINKS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA.
we REALLY need to think about this.

but yeah.
if that "jewel" wants mimic to be "gone" so badly, it's HER RESPONSIBILITY to buy him the plane tickets, and drive him to the airport. she HAS to take initiative.
but she also doesn't want to admit that she's being so selfish, whoever she actually is.
(she's NOT a real jewel. actual jewels DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. this girl has stolen the name but SHE FITS NONE OF THE CRITERA!!!!)

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0817

updates during the day again, because typing is faster

Slept in due to being up late.

VERY rushed and disheveled this morning, feeling weight of prayer obligation.
rosary took 30m. kept panicking and repeating prayers. "not focused enough." ball of nerves.

mass at st clares again!
readings parallel: joshua and jesus, jordan river baptism = entering promised land, no longer wanderers with no home.

devotions today HIT.
chaos 0 and mimic LITERALLY talking about the mercy + grace bit BEFORE we read the devotional that said it almost verbatim.
no coincidences guys

said wall prayers this morning btw. again almost burned food. rushing back and forth. feeling so anxious.
still. it was nice to pray with everyone flowing in front.

razor out a lot. cutting eggs, knife happy, "this is her job because she likes to just cut things" as opposed to his very specific retributor role.
THAT ONE "WATCHER GIRL" COMMENTING THAT KNIFE WAS "UNNECESSARY" AS A RESULT.
WTF.
laurie heard her and was FURIOUS

now finally bk at 2pm. man oh man.

update: we dropped one carrot
that one younger girl FREAKED OUT SOBBING "god hates me"
laurie talking her down
double carrots, made her laugh a little, "but that's so silly." laurie "no it's not, not if it makes you laugh"; "isn't that what any good father would do?" basically "when the devil takes things from you, god restores twofold and wants to make you smile"

girl sees praying more as "giving a speech" to critical parents than "talking to them"
"i can't talk to god!!" terrified, actually cowering. like a child afraid of being hit for her brazenness.

Realizing her own clumsiness was dropping the carrots = "oh no, am I the devil???"

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0820

Hell night
Dream hacks & dehumanizing nightmares
refuse to talk about them

Church Blood sugar hell again

Mom drive home
Carnival fear talk.
WE NEVER REALIZED HOW THAT MUST AFFECT HER.
SHE TRIED TO GIVE US ENTERTAINMENT AS CHILDREN BUT IT ONLY DISTURBED & SCARED US.
She admitted this today, how we're all adverse to fairs & parties & crowds but she loves them.
Movie talk; sadly proved this

Mom food hell
Girl PANICKED. Like legit FEAR OF DEATH. Unbearable
Leon blaming himself

Bible study keeps showing us HOW MUCH WE MISUNDERSTAND & MISINTERPRET GOD.
We are still so afraid of Him. We find it so hard to even imagine that someone would WANT to be gentle & kind & patient with us, let alone loving & forgiving & merciful.
This is fatally hindering our salvation life!!!

⭐"JAY" / LOTUS WAS "LIGHT THAT DID NOT BURN" = he was a COLD LIGHT that COULD NOT GIVE LIFE OR WARMTH!!!

So many dirty girls triggered out by eggs: clumsy messy food.
UPMC fear was LEGIT-- making a mess DOES "turn us into an animal"!!!
ALL UPMC DID WAS SHAME US & WHITEWASH OUR SYMPTOMS. JUST LIKE SLC, THERE WAS NO REAL PROGRESS OR HEALING, ONLY SELF-NEGATING ACTING & STOMPING TRIGGERS IN EVEN DEEPER THROUGH DENIAL & DEPERSONALIZATION.

We NEED someone who CAN eat eggs, WITHOUT triggering out kakofoni, WHILE we do Bible study.
They will NEED TO BE NONHUMAN!!!

⭐ACTUALLY HOLD UP!!! REMEMBER HOW WE SURVIVED IN CNC??? WE WOULD DRIVE THE BODY TO EAT, NOT FRONT!!! SO WE COULD PREVENT ASSOCIATION WITH IT & STAY ANCHORED INSIDE!!! 

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0821
 
ABSOLUTE FCKNG MELTDOWN OVER JADE COMING UP TO SHOWER THE MINUTE WE SIT DOWN TO EAT BREAKFAST AT 2PM SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!!!!!!@!@@!@

Couldn't calm down until like 4pm. WHY???
God we NEED to go back to typing & talking PLEASE

Spitting acid at "soft & quiet" horror
Apparently we are STILL VIOLENTLY GYNOPHOBIC. We're afraid of this becoming misogyny. Thank God it's still based on revulsion & traumafear kicked up to 1000%. It's not hatred of femininity as a whole. It's morbidly fascinating to FEEL the mental & emotional shifts.
Certain faces, voices, outfits, "skin textures" do it. ALL "babyish" women and ALL "sultry" women make us FURIOUSLY VIOLENT and I don't know why. At least, I can't put it into speech. It's too hidden & gutdeep. I can't even find it, to look it in the face. I'd be too scared & revolted to right now.
And yet THAT WIMPY PERSONALITY IS A GIRL.
ALL THE PROUD, PRISSY, PRESUMPTUOUS, PRECOCIOUS CORPUFONI ARE GIRLS. I HATE THEM. THEY'RE SHALLOW, HOLLOW, PLASTIC FACED WHORES.

(^ See, this happens EVERY TIME)

SHUT UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PROSTITUTE

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

TRUE FEMININITY = MARY.
Let that sink in, and heal this hurting hatred.

The main thing that is preventing the j bloodline from coming back to life is shame!!!!
They were so expressive & open, so full of light and love, but there is this crushing feeling of Self-hatred and SHAME that is forbidding such an existence now.
We will probably not be able to have a solid core unless the core Has a connection to heartspace and therefore with self-identity
WE CURRENTLY "FAIL THE MIRROR TEST" on some level?????
There is NO inherent "self-recognition" in the body's reflection AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
unless there's a blepofoni consciously looking back at themselves/ us, as a face alone, THE BODY IS A TOTAL STRANGER.

Can't stop thinking about this from Bible study=
"...the day cometh when the characters we have made ourselves here, the habits we have cultivated and indulged in, the capacities we have exercised, and the set and drift of all our activity upon earth, will determine the work that we get to do there."

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0823

Terribly hard day.

7am up. Nightmares again; cats & brothers, both hurting or scaring us (AGAIN. why is that a recurring theme??)

Oblates mass. tried OLOMC first but forgot they have no wednesday mass. had a hyperreligious MELTDOWN after that, convinced God "hated us" and didn't actually want us at mass or something??? bizarre how our brain STILL catastrophizes our faith like this.

Walmart stop for some groceries, don't even remember what. we were in social mode so bad, dissocation was like being drugged. genesis deeply concerned.

Therapy today. MOVE THIS TO ITS OWN ENTRY once/ if we get the memory/ time to type about it.
ALL NEW AGEY AGAIN.
huge letdown. we are so sick of that garbage. has trauma roots too from the slc era. nevertheless, we tried so hard to still listen. God still put me here. so there IS a reason this happened and we must be attentive. we are STILL a student; we cannot be proud or stubborn. and there was some legitimately good advice. Must humbly respect & learn.
HOWEVER this also made us realize, again, WE ARE NOT OURSELVES IN THERAPY.
some unknown social comes out and takes over the whole thing and GUESS WHAT THEY ARE A COMPULSIVE LIAR!!!! WE CAUGHT THEM DOING THAT TODAY, their ENTIRE manner of speech was A FACADE, an ACT, and we don't even know what the heck they were trying to pull or present us as.
STOP THEM NEXT TIME. I DON'T CARE IF OVERWHELM HAS TO FRONT. YOU DO NOT LET SOCIALS FRONT IN THERAPY.

(notes: they asked us really frustrating generic questions like "what are your hobbies" and "what are your strengths" and we could not answer. that's when the social was lying, that makes me genuinely sick. the therapist also talked about bloody affirmations-- which we hate but we didn't say anything-- and dream symbol interpretation. no idea how, or if, we'll be able to make progress here. even so, we don't see them for another MONTH which means the next session will probably feel like starting over, and if we're smart, we'll TREAT IT AS SUCH and forget whatever the heck junk happened today, because none of it stored to actual memory which is a VERY BAD SIGN.)

Home late, Bk at 2
Oat bar mistake. Body immediately had an ALLERGY REACTION????? burning eyes and throat, runny nose. coughing and flushed face. stomach rejecting it entirely. THREW UP.
felt horrible. we cannot remember the last time we had an e.d. day, and then this stupidity happens.
Then tried raisins, God knows why. THREW UP AGAIN.
what the heck are we reacting to???? with the oat bar it was DEFINITELY either the rice syrup or the coconut oil, as BOTH rice and coconut have given us bad reactions in the past, BUT now our brain is like "what if we're allergic to oats now???" so yeah, even more food terror. we have to pinpoint the lotophagoi who hold all this and talk to them.

Disastrously sick. Terrified.
Praying and eating DN 730, don't want to go to ER

⭐concerning our massive terror of "being killed"... NO ONE CAN TAKE MY LIFE AWAY, ONLY JESUS.
Rest in this.

DN Bible study: Patristic commentaries HIT HARD SON!!!!!

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0827

HECK OF A DAY SON

Church
Jade call
Drive
Cry
WE CAN'T PROCESS SADNESS

DW TYPING!!!!

BK 330 WTF

Ok I'm sorry but I have to record this.
The kids buy most study reflection I was talking about when king David was annointed, And the girl getting the devotional said, " It's not every day that we see someone get anointed with oil".
Mimic Just glances over at my salad then at me and says "I can fix that"

SO MUCH CLARIFICATION in Bible study today!!

SO SICK after breakfast. Dehydration.
Surrender prayer
Bravely ate raisins & Gatorade too , overcoming anorexic fear

GOD GOT US THROUGH!!!!!!
Honestly He has NEVER FAILED US. EVER.


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0828

Up at 11
Irish mass no homily.l
Canada mass Augustine homily, Julie deeply moved
St clare mass readings homily on bike
Everything worked out perfectly!

Egg trouble actually inspired Razor to talk??
How in heaven is she so insightful. Is it her age? Her origin & depth of history? Her color? Her conversion? All of the above?

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0829

Marketplace PANIC.
SO MUCH RAGE about food & money???? HATRED.
Scared of this in us. Thank God for revealing.
Find roots and deal with because this KEEPS HAPPENING and it is driving a wedge between us and especially our mother.


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prismaticbleed: (angel)
2023-08-29 08:31 pm

aug 2023 faithposting


0801

VOTD thoughts

Jesus then said, ‘I say this to you who are listening carefully to me: Love the people who want to hurt you. Do good things to people that hate you. Say good things to people that say bad things against you. Pray for people who give you pain.
Luke 6:27‭-‬28 EASY

But God is very good and kind! He loved us very much. Because of our sins, we were dead in our spirits. But God gave us a new life, because we are united with Christ. Yes, God has saved you because he is so kind.
Ephesians 2:4‭-‬5 EASY

"[They claimed] That he was possessed with a devil, that he was a melancholy man, whose brain was clouded, or a mad man, whose brain was heated, and that which he said was no more to be believed than the extravagant rambles of a distracted man, or one in a delirium. Thus the divine revelation of those things which are above the discovery of reason have been often branded with the charge of enthusiasm, and the prophet was called a mad fellow2 Kgs. 9:11; Hos. 9:7. The inspiration of the Pagan oracles and prophets was indeed a frenzy, and those that had it were for the time beside themselves; but that which was truly divine was not soWisdom is justified of her children, as wisdom indeed."

"To show the true reason why they were not wrought upon by Christ’s doctrine and miracles. They knew not God; and therefore perceived not the image of God, nor the voice of God in Christ. Note, The reason why men receive not the gospel of Christ is because they have not the knowledge of God. Men submit not to the righteousness of Christ because they are ignorant of God’s righteousness. (Rom 10:3)"
⭐NOT KNOWING GOD= GOD IS CREATOR = WHAT DO I INSTINCTIVELY BELIEVE ABOUT MY CREATOR? = BELIEVE THAT I WAS CREATED EVIL!!! THEREFORE I DONT KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT GOD!!! GOD CREATED ME GOOD, BUT IF I DONT BELIEVE THAT BEAUTIFUL TRUTH, I WILL BE UNABLE TO SEE OR ACCEPT THE BEAUTY OF CHRIST'S LOVE AND MERCY!!!!

"The best proof of our acquaintance with God is our obedience to him. Those only know God aright that keep his word."
⭐This is because His word shows His character!

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0802

John 8:26 = the TRUTH is NOT listing reasons for condemnation, BUT in listing dangers to their soul as their result AND IMPLORING REPENTANCE!!!
TRUTH= LIFE & LIGHT!!! Pointing out faults does NOT do that!

Jesus "does nothing on His own" because the Godhead is INHERENTLY RELATIONAL. Jesus arguably cannot conceive of separateness. His entire Existence ONLY exists in unity WITH the Father & Spirit.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/stantlitore.com/2017/01/23/aletheia-or-what-is-truth/amp/
OH MAN THIS IS WHY I LOVE ETYMOLOGY

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0803

ALSO THIS for system relevance =

He sees that now the woman is self-condemned, lies under that condemnation in which alone there is hope, and which alone leads to good. She could not misunderstand the significance of her acquittal. Her surprise must only have deepened her gratitude. He who had stood her friend and brought her through so critical a passage in her history could scarcely be forgotten. And yet, considering the net she had thrown around herself, could our Lord say “Sin no more” with any hope? He knew what she was going back to-a blighted home-life, a life full now of perplexity, of regret, of suspicion, probably of ill-usage, of contempt, of everything that makes men and women bitter and drives them on to sin. Yet He implies that the legitimate result of forgiveness is renunciation of sin. Others might expect her to sin; He expected her to abandon sin. If the love shown us in forgiveness is no barrier to sin, it is because we have not been in earnest as yet about our sin, and forgiveness is but a name. Do we need an external scene such as that before us as the setting which may enable us to believe that we are sinners, and that there is forgiveness for us? The entrance to life is through forgiveness. Possibly we have sought forgiveness; but if there follows us no serious estimate of sin, no fruitful remembrance of the holiness of Him who forgave us, then our severance from sin will last only until we meet the first substantial temptation... And unless in our hearts Christ finds a place, there is no other sufficient purifying influence. We may be convinced He is all He claims to be, we may believe He is sent to save, and that He can save; but all this belief may be without any cleansing effect upon us. What is wanted is an attachment, a real love that will prompt us always to regard His will, and to make our life a part of His. [Loyal adherence to His LIVING PERSON, NOT to a DEAD LAW per se!] It is our likings that have led us astray, and it is by new likings implanted within us that we can be restored. So long as our knowledge of Christ is in our head only, it may profit us a little, but it will not make new creatures of us. To accomplish that, He must command our heart. He must control and move what is most influential within us; there must arise in us a real and ruling enthusiasm for Him.

CONCERNING "GIVE ME A SIGN" =

"A God without might seem perfect as a guide, but a God within is the real perfection. God does not now lead us by a sign which we could follow, though we had no real sympathy with Divine ways and no wisdom of our own; but He leads us by communicating to us His own perceptions of right and wrong, by inwardly enlightening us, and by making us ourselves of such a disposition that we naturally choose what is good. When matters difficult to handle and to manage come into our life, and when we are tempted to long for some external sign which would show us infallibly the right thing to do and the right way to follow, let this be our consolation, that this very exercise of judgment and bearing of responsibility in matters where right and wrong are not broadly distinguished are among the chief instruments for the formation of character; and that even though we err in the choice we make, yet by our error and by all honest effort to keep right with God in the matter, we shall certainly have made growth in ability to understand and to do what is right... God is doing that one thing which He pledged Himself to do, namely, giving a Divine Spirit to men, Himself dwelling with men and in them, then we cannot fail to see that this guidance is of a much higher kind, and has much more lasting results than any external guidance could have. If, by allowing us to determine our own course and find our own way through all the hazards and perplexities of life, God is teaching us to estimate actions and their results more and more by their moral value, and if thereby He is impregnating you with His own mind and character, surely that is a much better thing than if He were keeping us in the right way merely by outward signs and irrespective of our own growth in wisdom."
"Sincere people who ask God’s guidance, it seems to me, frequently make mistakes. In fact, our past mistakes are a great part of our education... It is of course a great satisfaction to know that we wished to do right, even if we discover we have blundered; and it is also a satisfaction to know that God can use us for good in any position, even in that we have blundered into, although meanwhile we have lost some present good."


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0812

SYSTEM RELEVANCE FAITHPASTING =

"Let me remind you that freedom consists not in the absence of external constraints, but in the animal in us being governed by the will, for when the flesh is free the man is a slave. And it means that the will should be governed by the conscience; and it means that the conscience should be governed by God. These are the stages. Men are built in three stories, so to speak. Down at the bottom, and to be kept there, are inclinations, passions, lust, desires, all which are but blind aimings after their appropriate satisfaction, without any question as to whether the satisfaction is right or wrong; and above that a dominant will which is meant to control, and above that a conscience... men are more and more abasing themselves to the degradation of ministering to the supposed wishes instead of cutting dead against the grain of the wishes, if necessary, in order to meet the true wants, of the people."

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE CENTRAL VS. SOCIALS WAR IS ABOUT!!!!!

"And He was left alone, &c. “Two were left,” says S. Augustine, “misery and commiseration;” deep calling upon deep, the depth of her misery on the depth of His compassion. But she fled not, as having experienced His grace, and hoping for more."


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0821

[GIRL THRISKEFONI TALKING!!!]

I just realized, in John 9, the Pharisees DIDNT KNOW THIS MAN WAS BORN BLIND, let alone who he was...  Although he had been begging in the streets of Jerusalem for his entire life.
What does that say about their concern & involvement with the common man?  What good was all their religious scrupulosity if they didn't even give thought to the poor at their very doorstep???

They also thought demons & sinful souls could heal, apparently, as a trick or sham.  What does that say about their conception of what works of mercy even are to begin with???
They cared so much about keeping the Sabbath "holy"; what was their definition of holiness???
Where was the room for LOVE and COMPASSION in their creed???

Excommunication = "he was shut out from all the religious and civil privileges of the Jewish people, and was like one dead. But the man stood firm and would suffer all this rather than deny his Lord."
REFLECT ON THAT. This implies that Jesus is NOT EXCLUSIVE TO A RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATION. Pristine conscience is key to discernment, but... the human church is fallible. If, for true zealous ardent love of Christ AND His Church, you were to be EXCOMMUNICATED from its earthly privilege, would you???
That's a terrifying question. I apparently consider Christ SYNONYMOUS with the Church. BUT REMEMBER REVELATION.
Pray about this. Read about this.

“If He finds and receives, what does it matter who rejects?” (Morgan)
“He that enjoys the favor of the Son of God will not tremble at the frown of the Sanhedrim.” (Spurgeon)

"God takes care of the faith He has Himself implanted. Faith is a tender plant and must be preserved in frost and wind and storm. And God does this."

"Still as a blind man he had to find his way down to the pool of Siloam and down its steps to the pool itself. He likely could think of a dozen reasons why this was a fool’s errand, but he went and washed in faith and obedience, because Jesus told him to (and because there was mud in his eyes)."

"i. In choosing, they took one of two sides regarding Jesus.
· Jesus is a sinner and should be rejected.
· Our understanding and application of the Sabbath law is wrong."
IF THEY ADMITTED CHRIST WAS NOT A SINNER, ALTHOUGH HE BROKE THEIR SABBATH ASSUMPTION-LAW, THEN THEIR MORAL CODE WAS NO LONGER INVINCIBLE, AND THEREFORE NEITHER WERE THEY!! ADMITTING HIS SINLESSNESS WOULD REQUIRE ALSO ADMITTING THEIR OWN CAPACITY TO SIN!!! Their essential pride would not allow such a earthshaking humiliation!!!

"We know this Man is a sinner: They said this not because Jesus broke the law of God in the Hebrew Scriptures; they said this because Jesus did not obey their man-made traditions around the law. They said this despite the evidence, not because of it."
AGAIN, ADMITTING THEIR CAPACITY FOR ERROR WOULD MEAN BEING FORCED TO ADMIT THAT THEY COULD NOT, AND DID NOT, INFALLIBLY SPEAK FOR GOD, LET ALONE EVEN KNOW HIS TRUE WILL— BUT IF ANYONE THEREFORE COULD, IT WAS JESUS, THE SINLESS MIRACLE WORKER!!!!


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0824

Bible study PLAN (we NEED to start JOURNALING THESE!!!)

"Truths exist outside of knowledge. They are not dependent on human understanding or belief. A truth has always been true and will always be true. However... people started to disrupt this understanding of the idea of truth. Truth became “relative” as people tend to believe more often that their beliefs have an effect on truth. In the last few years - people have started to think that their feelings are their truth. This is simply not true. Feelings are real. Beliefs exist. But that does not mean they are the truth."

IN CONTRAST,

"...In the Bible, you will realize that the passages you read [often] are making truth statements. You are justified. You are redeemed. You have peace. You stand in grace. You have hope. These truth statements don’t come with question marks or conditions other than faith. If you have faith - they are yours. And there are many more truths in the bible about your identity. You are loved. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are an image-bearer of God. These statements do not take your feelings into account. They do not change if you aren’t feeling them on a certain day or if you have doubts on another. They are true of you all the time - whether you’re having a good day or a bad day, whether you’ve sinned recently, or someone has hurt you... And if you stand in these truths, you have a new identity. As you ask God to steadily help you to live more and more in his truth - there is an alignment process that begins to shape our entire lives, including the hurt we have experienced.. But when we accept these truths - we have a new identity - and newfound strength to live at peace with others."

WHY IS THIS? BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST SPEAKS THOSE TRUTHS!! THEIR REALITY DEPENDS ON HIM, NOT US-- AND HE IS TRUTH ITSELF!!


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0827

This feels relevant to the System =

"Jesus said that those who came before him were thieves and robbers. He was of course not referring to the great succession of the prophets and the heroes, but to these adventurers who were continually arising in Palestine and promising that, if people would follow them, they would bring in the golden age. All these claimants were insurrectionists. They believed that men would have to wade through blood to the golden age. At this very time Josephus speaks of there being ten thousand disorders in Judaea, tumults caused by men of war. He speaks of men like the Zealots who did not mind dying themselves and who did not mind slaughtering their own loved ones, if their hopes of conquest could be achieved. Jesus is saying: "There have been men who claimed that they were leaders sent to you from God. They believed in war, murder, assassination. Their way only leads for ever farther and farther away from God. My way is the way of peace and love and life; and if you will only take it, it leads ever closer and closer to God." There have been, and still are, those who believe that the golden age must be brought in with violence, class warfare, bitterness, destruction. It is the message of Jesus that the only way that leads to God in heaven and to the golden age on earth is the way of love."

AND this =

"The ultimate aim of Jesus was the world for God. But any great commander knows that he must in the first instance limit his objectives. If he tries to attack on too wide a front, he only scatters his forces, diffuses his strength, and gains success nowhere. In order to win an ultimately complete victory he must begin by concentrating his forces at certain limited objectives. That is what Jesus did. Had he gone here, there and everywhere, had he sent his disciples out with no limitation to their sphere of work, nothing would have been achieved. At the moment he deliberately concentrated on the Jewish nation, but his ultimate aim was the gathering of the whole world into his love."


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0828

JOHN 10 is actually TWO PARABLES!!!
https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/lmg/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/dsb/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/geb/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/acc/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/rbc/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/cpc/john-10.html etc.

THANKS PULPIT!!!
"There are three parables in this chapter. In the first six verses there is the parable of the Shepherd. To the fold mentioned in John 10:1 many flocks would be brought at night. Then their own Shepherd would come in the morning and lead away his flock to pasture. Then in John 10:7 begins the parable of the Door. This was the Door of the day enclosure, where the sheep could go in and out and find food. In John 10:11 there is the parable of the beautiful or ideal Shepherd. Here evening has come, and as the shepherds are leading back their flocks to the fold for the night, the wolf darts forth; but the Good Shepherd flees not like the hireling, but lays down His life for the sheep."
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The sheepfold in town, symbolizing the covenant? BEFORE the Shepherd appears, and assumedly at night? The walls of the Law, the Door of Scripture and the Spirit guarding it? They CANNOT graze and are fed by the PRIESTS?
And the Shepherd appears, driving them out ONE BY ONE, abd walking before them, to take them to the NEW sheepfold AMONG PASTURES. He is the only door, in His BODY, to SALVATION.
"Verse 9 then shows Him to be the door of salvation and of the blessings connected with it. The sheep find a new liberty that enables them to "go in and out and find pasture;" that is, they are not limited either to the Old or to the New Testament as to finding fresh, living food for their souls. In the sheepfold they had previously been dependent on being fed in whatever measure by priests, Levites or prophets: now they may find the fresh food for themselves. This involves now our having the Spirit of God by whom we may learn the word of God in fresh reality, finding green pasture in both Old and New Testaments."

In towns of that time, sheep from many flocks were kept for the night in a common sheepfold, overseen by one doorkeeper who regulated which shepherds brought and took which sheep.

"our Lord being near the temple, where sheep were kept in folds to be sold for sacrifices, spoke many things parabolically of sheep, of their shepherds, and of the door to the sheepfold; and discovers that he alluded to the sheepfolds which were to be hired in the market place, by speaking of such folds as a thief could not enter by the door, nor the shepherd himself open, but a porter opened to the [true] shepherd... The Holy Spirit opens his way into the hearts of his hearers, and he becomes the instrument of their salvation."

"The church may be compared to a sheepfold, because it is separated from the world... and which, like a sheepfold, will be taken down, and not always continue in the form it now is" ?

"Anciently they had their sheepfolds within the outer gates of their houses, for the greater safety of their flocks, so that [the only ones who] could come to them the right way [were] such as the porter opened to, or the master of the house gave the keys to."
"The comparison is made, not to the folds used by the common people in remote parts of the country, but to those belonging to the rich in the neighbourhood of a populous city, where the walls and other fences need to be stronger, and the entrance more carefully kept, on account of the greater danger from thieves.”

"At night the sheep are driven into a fold, that is, a walled enclosure, such as may be seen on our own sheep farms, only with higher walls for protection, and with a strongly-barred door in place of a hurdle or light gate. Here the sheep rest all night, guarded by a watchman or porter. In the morning the shepherds come, and at the recognised signal or knock are admitted by the porter, and each man calls his own sheep. The sheep, knowing his voice, follow him, and if any are lazy, or stubborn, or stupid, he goes in and drives them out, with a gentle, kindly compulsion, A stranger’s voice they do not recognise, and do not heed. Besides, not only do they disregard a stranger’s voice, but the porter also would do so, so that no robber thinks of appealing to the porter, but climbs the wall and lays hold of the sheep he wants."

Thieves steal to KILL = SLAUGHTER = "SACRIFICE"; ironic murdering of the pious innocent in order to make THEMSELVES SEEM HOLY!!!!!
"It is supposed that he was now in the outer court of the temple, near the sheep which were there exposed to sale for sacrifice" = THE SHEEP ARE DESTINED TO BE "HOLY" BECAUSE THEY ARE MEANT & DESIGNED TO BELONG TO GOD AS SACRIFICES???
BUT "nor does the shepherd’s leading them out, &c., agree with this circumstance." These are sheep IN OPEN PASTURE, NOT MARKET PENS.
"In countries where there were so many savage beasts, it might be ordinarily necessary to have the folds better secured than among us; and the chief shepherd might often leave a servant to watch them while thus shut up, and come himself to lead them out to pasture in the morning."

Also= THE FLOCK IS DIFFERENT THAN THE FOLD!!!!
"The "other sheep" of verse 16 are manifestly Gentile believers, not of the fold of Israel. They were to be brought also, as a result of the death of the Good Shepherd, and to be joined with the Jewish sheep, but not brought into the fold. Rather, "there will be one flock and one Shepherd." The one flock is the Church of God composed of all believers of the present age, whatever their race. It is not a fold, where restraints of laws and ordinances are present, but a flock, free of legal encumbrances, in order to follow the Shepherd to the green pastures."

"The whole passage is concerned with the relationship between the shepherd and the sheep which belong to him. They recognise him when they see him. They know his voice. They will follow him when he calls to them. The fold is merely a building into which he puts his sheep from time to time. They do not live in it. They do not necessarily use only one fold. They are temporarily put into it for protection, but do not normally stay in it for any length of time, as they must, of necessity, ‘go in and out and find pasture’."

"It is not uniformity which is promised, but unity. The distinction is not merely one of words, but upon it depends a wide and important truth. It is not unity of fold which is regarded as the future of the Church, but unity of flock. There will be many folds, in many nations, in many ages, in many climes. But for all Christians there will be one true Shepherd who layeth down His life for the sheep, and all these differing folds shall, through living unity with Him, make one vast flock."

"Christ, on other occasions, carefully warned his disciples against such narrowness, and here he declares that the sheep, independently of the fold or folds, may yet form one great flock, under one Shepherd. When he described himself as the Door, he was, as we have seen, careful to speak of himself as "Door of the sheep," and not as the Door into the fold. He laid down his life in order to break down the partition between Jew and Gentile (Ephesians 2:13), between God and man, and between man and man. "

HOWEVER!!! CONCERNING THE USE OF "FOLD" INSTEAD =
"The original word, αυλη, which is here translated fold, dignifies properly a court. It is probable that our blessed Lord was now standing in what was termed the inner court, or court of the people, in the temple, see John 10:23; and that he referred to the outer court, or court of the Gentiles, because the Gentiles who were proselytes of the gate were permitted to worship in that place; but only those who were circumcised were permitted to come into the inner court, over the entrance of which were written, in large characters of gold, these words, Let no uncircumcised person enter here! Our Lord therefore might at this time have pointed out to the worshippers in that court, when he spoke these words, and the people would at once perceive that he meant the Gentiles."

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"And leadeth them out... [from] the barren pastures of Mount Sinai, (rocky mountains that have been grazed to the ground?) and their own righteousness, on which they were feeding, and out of themselves, and from off all dependence on anything of their own;" = RELYING ON OURSELVES FOR SALVATION IS EFFECTIVELY AUTOPHAGY. WE WILL STAVE TO DEATH ON OUR OWN FLESH.

OPPOSITIONS:
"...He leads unto Himself" vs living with "wild goats" in a robbers fold
"and the fulness of His grace," vs emptiness of desert
"and to His Blood and Righteousness," vs our own bleeding to death through unrighteous self-cannibalism
"and into his Father's presence and communion with him," vs alienation with no Shepherd,
"and in the way of righteousness and truth," vs on unmarked treacherous paths of stumbling,
"and into the green pastures of the word and ordinances," vs barren parched bitten down plains,
"beside the still waters of his sovereign love and grace." Vs no water at all, or meager unreliable trickles

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also THIS LINE:
"He laid down His life: it could not be taken from Him: He had perfect control as to this. On Calvary He Himself dismissed His spirit... since He is without sin, death had no authority over Him. His death was a miracle performed by His divine power, willingly because of His great love, and with the object of taking His life again."

AND
"Now He to whom the temple was dedicated walks in His own residence, yet Is petulantly accused by the Jews of making them to doubt as to whether or not He was the Messiah. The very question bothers them greatly, which shows that they were not really convinced that their opposition was right. But they did not want their Messiah to be of lowly, faithful, pure character...  If there were any doubts, this was their fault, not His."

"His sheep were subject to Him; they had ears for His voice"

ALSO, VITAL FOR UNDERSTANDING JESUS'S WORDS:
"He declares these things as absolute facts. He attaches no conditions to them whatever."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bible study:
"The bond of unity is love; the proof of love is obedience."
"Christians are one with each other when they are bound by love, and obey the words of Christ."
"Jesus is one with God, because as no other ever did, he obeyed and loved him. His unity with God is a unity of perfect love, issuing in perfect obedience... He was one with God because he loved and obeyed him perfectly; and he came to this world to make us what he is."
Write about this.
GOD is love, and the Source of ALL love.
Obedience means to LISTEN, to pay attention, to heed & serve & carry out their commands. It is a position of HUMILITY & SERVICE.
It is unity of HEART.
But the ONLY Thing you CAN obey IS GOD???? So ALL love AND unity ESSENTIALLY RESTS IN HIM AS ITS CAUSE!!!!
This implies, with striking absoluteness, that TRUE UNITY IS IMPOSSIBLE OUTSIDE OF GOD.
Hence the Most Holy Eucharist.
But to think about human experience a bit more: unity of heart shows HOW? WHEN TWO OR MORE SOULS WILL THE SAME THINGS, right? 
...

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0829

"the saints are a crown of glory in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of their God; they are a signet on his right hand that shall never be plucked off; they are engraven on the palms of his hands" = JEWEL NAME RELEVANCE & HOPE. This really means a lot to me.

"to be in the hands of Christ, is to be in his possession, and at his dispose, as all the elect of God are; and to be under his guidance, care, and protection, as they be; they are fed according to the integrity of his heart, and guided by the skilfulness of his hands; they are always under his care and watchful eye, who protects them from all their enemies, and hides them in the hollow of his hand" = see this LIKE A CHILD WITH A BELOVED PLUSH TOY. Like Blue Seal! He was IN OUR HANDS, our possession at our disposal, but we LOVED HIM and ALWAYS took the BEST CARE of him, ALSO taking him on adventures, keeping him always safe & close, speaking through him, etc. THAT'S the REAL kind of utmost affection God has for YOU!!!!


DEEP REASSURANCE =

"and they shall never perish; though they were lost in Adam, and in a perishing condition in themselves, during their state of unregeneracy; in which condition they see themselves to be, when convinced by the Spirit of God; and come as persons ready to perish to Christ, as a Saviour, resolving, that if they perish, they will perish at his feet: and though after conversion, they are subject to many falls and spiritual declensions, and lose their peace, joy, and comfort, and imagine their strength and hope are perished, or at least fear they shall one day perish through one sin, or snare, or temptation or another, yet they shall never perish in such sense as the wicked will; they will not be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and the glory of his power"
"And none shall ever pluck them from thence; no man can do it, not any false teacher can remove them from Christ, by all the art and cunning he is master of; nor any violent persecutor, by all the force and power he can use; nor can any sin, or snare, or temptation, draw them out of Christ's hands; nor any adversity whatever separate them from him: they must be safe, and always abide there, who are in the hands of Christ; for his hands have laid the foundations of the heavens and the earth, they grasp the whole universe, and hold all things together; and who then can pluck any out of these hands?"
"But the souls of the righteous are in the hand of God, and there shall no torment touch them.'' (Wisdom 3:1)

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prismaticbleed: (worried)
2023-07-31 10:35 pm

daily journals = july 2023


0701

"I" CAN'T EAT WITH WHITE OR RED HUE
HAS TO BECOME BROWN OR BLACK!!!

So much switching while eating = based on action taken & mood of it?? Different "manners" of eating, different jobs on phone, etc.
ALL CAUSE A HARD DISSOCIATIVE SWITCH!!! and a consequent headache for the record
- Tumblr posting
- picking apart food
- biting pieces off
ALL of these actions TRIGGER out different girl corpufoni??? all with very disheveled & negative vibes

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0702

Scalpel now feeling ragesorrow when fronting, like Knife was
Wondering if this is all being split off from LAURIE in some way??

Laurie “enabling” bad behavior, just letting foni do things even if they seem unwise, COMPLETE CORRUPTION OF HER FUNCTION. Wondering why?
Because she’s supposed to TALK IT OUT. She’s supposed to DEBATE AND REASON, and with that suddenly being TAKEN from us, in order to SURVIVE, her function is “skipping a step” and just letting things occur that SHOULD be questioned because she’s not “ALLOWED” to question currently.
She is losing all her honor, integrity, wisdom, fortitude, etc. she is dying.

Laurie wondering if she “needs to die” because she thinks she “came back wrong” after cnc.
Honestly I think we all did. It wasn’t a real solid resurrection; it was a gradual, feeble “coalescing” into shadows of our former selves.
We need a HARD REBOOT so that we come back COMPLETE.


jo IS reviving???? name change. "yosifina" or something. definitely an i or y beginning, not j.

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0710


John 6 discourse makes SO much easy sense when you ask, just like a psychologist, "what is your heart hungry for? How can you feed your soul today?" And those instinctive, literally visceral responses APPLY TO CHRIST. THAT'S what He means by "you must EAT Me." You're feeding your HEART & SOUL with Him! It's like how you would "eat" music (I have a playlist for that), or devour a book, or drink in a beautiful landscape. You get the idea!
BUT the faith that enables this ALSO allows for the next huge step in the Eucharist: the ACTUAL physical "eating" of Christ, more of a "consuming & being consumed," a mutual Communion, a fusion of selves, etc. Think Infi. Think cardiophagy. There is an even DEEPER and more sacred hunger, that TOUCHES & SANCTIFIES THE PHYSICAL, that Christ meets.
Humankind was CREATED TO BE UNITED TO GOD. The Fall wrecked this for a time. Christ comes as the Tree of Life to FIX & RESTORE us. THAT is why He gives His flesh as bread: because it's the ONLY WAY to LITERALLY GET DIVINITY BACK INTO OUR PHYSICAL BODIES. We're actually SUPPOSED to eat God. It's absolutely insane & gorgeous & Ineffable, I love being Catholic
It's also shockingly obvious: how does a mother feed her children? SAME THING.

Think like a child & it's all apparent.
What is eating? It's taking something into yourself so you can stay alive, and it will make you strong & help you grow.
"Food is fuel"; food comes from other living things, either plants or animals. Their life is given up & becomes part of our life.
Etc. CONTINUE

"only believe, and thou hast eaten; " reflect on what this says ABOUT the nature of belief
ALSO "eat His body in a spiritual manner" = think of the basic concept of ANCHOR PLUSHES. Substance vs accidents. This is spiritual vs physical BUT ALSO BOTH.
"If you with to enter into the spirit of my words, raise your hearts to a more elevated and spiritual way of understanding them" = if you only think of this as regular food, as normal eating, you MISS THE ENTIRE TRUTH. The Capernaum folks couldn't get their minds off the manna & bread, so they were blind to the actual point. Their understanding was stuck on the CARNAL level... like being stuck in SOCIAL MODE.
"The flesh profiteth nothing" WITHOUT SPIRIT INSIDE IT. But the spirit does not destroy the body, otherwise the Incarnation wouldn't have happened! The really beautiful thing is the SANCTIFICATION of it!
"I live by the Father, proceeding always from him" = a CONTINUED action; so too must be our eating & be-ing as a result; UNITED EXISTENCE; symbiotic?? Indivisible
""so [too is] he that eateth me," = first by faith only, by believing in me;" = if you have no faith in His Divinity you cannot receive it, BECAUSE you won't come to Him FOR it!!! Without faith you are treating the Sacrament with GRAVE IRREVERENCE. Saint Paul warned about this. You can still eat it "as bread," sure, but without faith it's a ghastly sin, for obvious reasons. Ask any lotophagoi.

"God is said to draw them to himself by special and effectual graces, yet without any force or necessity, without prejudice to the liberty of their free-will. A man, says St. Augustine, is said to be drawn by his joys, and by what he loves... We are drawn to the Father by some secret joy, delight, or love, which brings us to the Father. "Believe and you come to the Father," says St. Augustine, "Love, and you are drawn... [many] could not believe, because they would not love" ???
TYPE ABOUT THIS.
WHAT do we love? What do we enjoy & find happiness in? THAT IS WHAT POTENTIALLY DRAWS US TO GOD????
Use this for EVANGELIZATION

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0713

90M INTAKE, SYSTEM ONLINE BUT STANDING ASIDE??? Very peculiar, unmistakable feeling
WRECKAGE SPOKE!!!!
We think the main social fronter, that talks, is actually JAYCE??? It's NOT Jack!!

Roadwork meditation trees

Home, exhausted
More jobs & requests from mom. Refusing to complain or grumble. Accepting it all with open mind & heart

Barry murdered ONE bottle

"Dump truck mindset" culture
Julie lamenting over Potiphar's wife; "I was just as capable of that"

Jesus as Mediator is SO DIFFERENT from other religions because it SERVES A RELATIONSHIP.
Other faiths have worship, or self-deification. Christianity is the ONLY one that brings us TO GOD, BY GOD, to be WITH GOD. There is a PERSONAL, INTIMATE, FAMILIAR LOVE that is unique to our faith.


SYSTEM RELEVANCE (ESPECIALLY LAURIE; THIS IS HER TRUE FUNCTION & PAST STRUGGLE)=

"The scribes and the Pharisees were the legal experts of the day; to them problems were taken for decision. It is clear that to them authority was characteristically critical, censorious and condemnatory. That authority should be based on sympathy, that its aim should be to reclaim the criminal and the sinner, never entered their heads. They conceived of their function as giving them the right to stand over others like grim invigilators, to watch for every mistake and every deviation from the law, and to descend on them with savage and unforgiving punishment; they never dreamed that it might lay upon them the obligation to cure the wrongdoer.
There are still those who regard a position of authority as giving them the right to condemn and the duty to punish. They think that such authority as they have has given them the right to be moral watch-dogs trained to tear the sinner to pieces; but all true authority is founded on sympathy... The first duty of authority is to try to understand the force of the temptations which drove the sinner to sin and the seductiveness of the circumstances in which sin became so attractive. No man can pass judgment on another unless he at least tries to understand what the other has come through. The second duty of authority is to seek to reclaim the wrongdoer. Any authority which is solely concerned with punishment is wrong; any authority, which, in its exercise, drives a wrongdoer either to despair or to resentment, is a failure. The function of authority is not to banish the sinner from all decent society, still less to wipe him out; it is to make him into a good man. The man set in authority must be like a wise physician; his one desire must be to heal."

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0716

Cayenne = can he come back If his anchor remains?
Would also take the "automated name" off poor Scalpel
Did ALL Daengels have TRUE hearthosts like Infi or did they just STICK to resonant hearts???
After all CHOCOLOCO defied that assumption and is STILL AROUND.
Remember Axis too, w the homily on dirt

Laurie: "Saying you like prog rock is your own brand of pretentious assholery. I advise you to quit now, before your brain makes receptors for it"

Said Vespers together
Wreckage & Razor magnificat

Fire alarm, looking through old Moralimon tablets as usual
G2 was HEAVEN
Still love the Seers so much

Scalpel "we're being cheapened" = doing generic daily stuff IN PLACE OF actual anchors. Hence the anger & sadness. It's LOSS, of purpose in action, being shoved into a lesser, unfulfilling, unrelated "job" that cheats their spirit.
INNER NOUSFONI SHOULD NEVER BE DOING OUTSIDE JOBS!!!!!!


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0730
dream notes
In dream
Wind, flying. Whitefog fading out in distance
Women forcing pregnancy talk. Melody with us? Acting Childlike. In stupor?
On porch with bro? Lady sweetalking, trying to get info?
Came to us. Grabbed shoulders? IMMEDIATELY started screaming crying for help like a tiny child. JUST AS FAST, WRECKAGE TOOK OVER. Turned on the woman with all claws & rage. Told her "get your fcking hands off of my children"

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0731

Nightmares about mom
Dismantled Christmas tree, "i thought i was doing you a favor"
WRECKAGE & LAURIE FRONTING IN DREAM
SOMEONE Growling & hissing at white toybreed dog that got into our apartment?? THEN Wreckage took over? Blurry. Immediate snarling response felt like someone else, faceless & confronting maybe. But we KNOW such a foni exists in waking. That instinct is STILL THERE. Wreckage shares it, but not so animalistic. Wreckage will growl as a threat, but NEVER this loud cat-like hissing!! CHILDHOOD "SELF" DID THAT TOO REMEMBER!!!!

Up at 1111, got ready for TV church SUPER fast haha
Two Canadian churches? Second was St Clare with the COLORED LIGHTS!
Homily: God works His Victory through APPARENT FAILURES! Cross, golden calf, also the MUSTARD TREE & YEAST??? Parallel we never noticed! "Would have shocked the audience" "no farmer wants a mustard tree in the middle of his field; no housewife wants her bread dough to start fermenting" AND YET, God works GOOD from it.
https://www.scielo.org.za/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext&pid=S1015-87582013000200014 READ THIS BRO
Second homily: crisis reveals character (crisis reveals Christ-is)! Be willing to "drop everything" to be a messenger of God's Love to others. Laurie saying "kid that's what you've been doing lately, by grace" TRUE, humbly & joyfully, may God increase that grace for His sake
Spiritual Communion. We needed this actually; it sinks in deeper & hits harder. We LACK FAITH??? Not just in Christ, in EVERYTHING. Somehow, since CNC we have become DEAD IN DOUBT & DISBELIEF, based on SHAME & CYNICISM????? WHY & HOW??? THIS ISN'T US!!!
Deep down KNOWING we believe but as an ACT OF WILL. No emotions. Does that still count? Feels like we're at war.
Asking for God to "set my heart on fire" = looked at the RING!! "Just like that"

Rosary now. Want to do this with biking before we eat.
We're back to listening to music and looking at the photo gallery while we say the rosary. It helps SO much; it makes it feel more real and genuine, more personally involved & NOT automated.

Egg trouble, had to toss & redo. Hidden blessing though.
AMAZING devotionals today.
1. Mustard seed growth ACTIONS, good AND bad
2. Call to faith & vocation DOES have dry & dark periods
3. Fast & pray IN LOVE for YOUR "ENEMIES" like Moses did

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prismaticbleed: (czj)
2023-06-30 11:56 pm

prismaticlove: june 2023


I'll never forget the night you sang this melody to me.

...It sounds like you, honestly. Like the old days, before we both got so shaken up and torn apart. Back then, every time it rained, I would go stand outside, and just... think of you. Every single time. I'd turn my face up to the rain and wish that water was you.

I really, honestly, want to feel like that again, now. Even after everything, I still want that. I still want you in my life. Cross my heart.

It's still your face I see, with every raindrop.



candyheartedchy: A reminder: It’s okay to make self inserts pass your 20s. You’re not “too old” or “cringe” because you love fictional characters as an adult and want to imagine what it would be like to hang out with them. No matter if you been self inserting since you were a kid or started as an adult, the love you have for your f/o(s) are valid and precious. Don’t let anyone make you feel you have to “grow up” out of the things you love! ❤️

Dude listen. I’m 33, I’ve been in love with the same characters since I was 13, and it’s never gonna change, not as long as I have a heart.

Love is honestly undying; when you have it, it stays. Don’t let misguided shame muffle its light. “Growing up” does not mean growing cold or cynical or scornful. Growing up should only deepen what you already feel, like colors in a sunset, like ocean depths, like golden anniversaries.

Your love, your relationship/s with your beloved/s, is absolutely valid and precious and true and real. Let it grow with you.



canongf-archive: i say “my F/Os love me” all the time and i don’t feel bad about it because!!! if i heard any of my F/Os saying “Y/N loves me” i wouldn’t think that they were conceited or full of themselves, i would think “yes!!! i do!!! i love you with my whole entire heart and soul!!! i try so hard to make you feel it!!! all i want is for you to know that you’re loved!!! i’m so glad that you do!!! that means i’m doing everything right!!!”

 

I think about this so often. I want this so badly. Yes it's borderline impossible in canon, but that doesn't stop a man from dreaming.

Nevertheless, there's a deeper wound. I... doubt my love a lot. This is understandable, what with all my trauma baggage & frost-prone heart, my memory losses & identity crashes. My love is a pretty miserable thing, but so help me it's still there, after years and years of pain and confusion, I still love you even if I can't always catch the feeling behind the words. The truth remains.

I'm rambling; I apologize.

I... right now, especially right now, the one thing I want most in the entire blessed universe is to hear my beloved admit himself as such. I want to hear the knowing. "Jay loves me." Despite everything. Despite everything, "I know he does." That's what I want to hear. I need to, to the point of weeping, to reassure my poor bruised heart that I am doing something right, I owe you that much, you deserve universes more but this is all I can give and it's yours--

I'm trying as hard as I can, love. I really am. I... listen, I'm a wreck of a man, especially lately, but I still love you. I love you. I always will.

...But you know what's the craziest thing about all this? It's the fact that, even now, I know that you love me. I can't deny it. It sounds impossible but the truth of it is like a sword in my heart. It drives me up the wall sometimes. On my worst days it hurts more than I can handle. Still, I know. Thank God for your ineffable fidelity. You're doing everything right. Cross my heart. I can only pray that one day I'm able to do the same for you.



love-is-the-sweetest-thing: Imagining your F/O singing a love song and holding you in their arms as you drift off to sleep is actually something that can be so personal

Our cor(e)s have had several dreams over the years in which Chaos 0 will just sing to them, completely unexpected but achingly tender songs, which are forever changed and endeared to us from then on.

Still, we... trauma has made us flinch from touch, even now. It's too vulnerable a position. Still, all of us trust CZ. We always have-- he's water, his heart is transparent, and even his turbulent depths are trustworthy by virtue of their sincerity. It's strange but it's true, a fact forged by mutual love, and honestly we cannot take that for granted.
In light of that, this thought, of him being so careful and compassionate with our disturbed and exhausted heart to unite much-feared but desperately-needed closeness with music, notably with that music that our soul immediately associates with him, from beloved dream memory... to completely defuse the shock of being held and saturate it instead with clearest, purest love... it's such a tender thought that it aches.

I'm... going to show him this post. We need this kind of innocent intimacy again. Thanks for this, OP.



nadineselfships-archived: Okay but imagining your f/o singing to you is self care

Chaos 0 has been surprisingly inclined to sing since the day we met him-- his emotional "language" translates better to song than speech.

Shockingly, few others sing up here, at least in such a manner. I think it's because the act of singing is so personal, so intimate, so wrenchingly emotional by requirement that it cannot be taken lightly, and will change you as you do it. It's the literal taking into yourself of a song, entwining your soul with it, and confessing it entirely to another.

Ironically, that very fact confirms the truth of this prompt. The few times we have noticed-- however secretly or briefly-- others besides Chaos 0 singing, it has been a momentous occasion, no matter how small or private.

I think of Genesis singing in the car, all loud and gold and joyful, the very personification of hope and sunlight, no matter how dreary the circumstances.
I think of Laurie quietly intoning the choruses of her anthems, standing behind or aside, her eyes turned down with the gravity of it, and it hits our heart like a supernova.
I think of the old, old days, with Ryou and Marik picking their favorite tunes from the radio and singing with teenage abandon, every note a new light in our new lives.
I think of Infinitii, singing with a hundred umbral tones, studded with diamonds, every word like stardust in my veins and haunting my dreams with teardrop beauty.

I'm getting poetic, haha. That's a good thing.

We honestly should make a full list, and reflect on it often. Music lights up our heart like nothing else, and warms the darkest chill, and reminds us immediately and incandescently what love feels like, and who we feel it for.

Thank you for this, OP. It's a really beautiful thought to treasure.

 


\

This is a huge reason why we keep Celebi in our life during trauma recovery. She’s canonically hope incarnate.

As long as she's with us... no matter what is happening externally, in our hearts we can have a deeper peace, something untouchable and signaled by her precious life.

Note, too, that she "has the power" to travel, but doesn't. She appears only in peaceful times. And here she is with us, in the midst of all our turmoil and bitter tears, almost an impossibility.

I don't know, I'm having a lot of feelings about this all of a sudden. She sticks around. She is the peace, somehow, in that springtime steadfastness of hers. No matter how heavy the snowbanks get, just watch. There will be flowers.


 

letsgofoletsgo: Oc f/o hours lads

This is perfect timing as I have fallen absolutely head over heels for my BFF Genesis (p.k a. Selph) again lately.


18 years this July!! 🎉🧡💙 BOY YOU ARE GETTING OLD

Honestly, Gen, I know we’ve been distant lately due to stress, but no matter how much my life changes, my love for you never will. That’s a promise. Thank you for never changing on me, either.

I love you, my crazy cracked-heart muse. You light up my life.

#how has it been THAT LONG ALREADY #it's been awesome babe #i will buy you the ENTIRE ice cream shop

 

mentalhealth-selfshipping: Imagine your f/o helping you fight back the urge to relapse. They find any way they can to distract you from those thoughts. If they know its ok with you, you're basically glued to their side until you're OK again.

Laurie has LITERALLY been doing this full-time lately, God bless her. It’s been so difficult but she’s got a will of iron and heart of gold; knowing she cares that much means the world to me.

twocrowns:“When tempted, invoke your Angel. He is more eager to help you than you are to be helped! Ignore the devil and do not be afraid of him: He trembles and flees at the sight of your Guardian Angel.”
— St. John Bosco

LAURIE, THIS IS FOR YOU.

…and God willing, if Infi comes back, this is for hir, too.

 

...
prismaticbleed: (worried)
2023-06-30 09:17 pm

daily journals = june 2023

 

0609

Finally a FREE MORNING ;_________;

Exercise

BK prep gang AT LAST
Adelaide slipping, Julie rushed to support & promote her
Bodygirls kept trying to blindly front

Daily devotional question: "what competes with God"?
Actually it's RELATIONSHIP with the System????
"Work out" in prayer too

Looking for lemur kid
Hug in bathroom
Jack smiled

Bible study
Body of Christ= Etymology; "temple" as "space cut off for holy purpose" and body as "the material frame"
John 2:24 = they weren't seeking RELATIONSHIP. Hence "no commit" = like "befriending" an artist just for giftart, not because you want to be THEIR ACTUAL FRIEND

1 Peter 2:5 and trauma echoes: Mimic said "that sounds like something you guys need to work through"

Facet 2.3 work; REALLY GROWING!

DN 730, later but no stress. Thank God

"Shall never thirst again"= WE GET IT!!! Versus past "spiritual starvation" in archives, when we weren't actively Christian
"Someone might object: “I drank of what Jesus offers, and I feel thirsty and empty again.” The answer is simple: drink again! It isn’t a one-time sip of Jesus that satisfies forever, but continual connection with Him... It also creates something good, something life-giving in the heart of the one who drinks it."

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0616

Talking to Jesus over carrots
"I DID take care of the charger!"
"Don't ever let me betray you" = Peter vs Judas
FREE WILL

STRESS INTOLERANCE = WANTING TO CAUSE A CRISIS???
Artificially "making things worse" in HOPES of a meltdown?? Catharsis or processing seeking???

Taffy memory data get
Creamsicle = childhood summer in side yard, also boardwalk, FEAR undertones
Cotton candy = Knoebels VIVID visual of wooden carousel
Butter rum = MADRIGALS!!!
Vanilla = HEAVEN??? SERIOUSLY WTF. Absolutely GORGEOUS idealized backyard with wisteria & peonies & impossibly tall trees
Peppermint = WB concerts, lights shows, more madrigals, general childhood Christmas-concert joy feeling

Remember Knife yesterday "there's such deep sadness inside of me"


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0620

JADE MOVE OUT!

Mimic MURDERED FIVE ENTIRE WATER BOTTLES

SO MUCH LAUNDRY

5PM BK GEEZ

"The blind see, the deaf hear... the poor have the good news preacher to them." The poor lack EARTHLY POWER/ RICHES; but true power & spiritual wealth is perfected IN the Good News!! The poor are free to have ETERNAL riches, which the worldly wealthy often cannot, due to the love of money "choking the good seed"

John 5:37-43 HITS HARD

"The Stoics held that the highest kind of knowledge comes not by thought but by what they called "arresting impressions;" a conviction seizes a man like someone laying an arresting hand on his shoulder." = LAURIE.
"We're real, kid. And so is He. Heck, He's more Real than we are."

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0621

In light of today's verse Phil 1:9-10 Knowledge & love of God abounding: devotional asked "remember when you first fell in love" I DON'T. I'M AFRAID TO FEEL LOVE. AND LAST NIGHT SHOWED WHY. CNC WITH INFI WAS PROOF. MY "LOVE" IS FREAKISH & WRONG. IT'S TOO INTENSE & INTIMATE. I CANNOT LOVE GOD LIKE THAT. I CANNOT LET MYSELF BE LOVED LIKE THAT.
IDENTITY ISSUES MAKE THIS SO MUCH WORSE

1 John 1:9 = we struggle to see certain things AS SINS??? EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW THEYRE "NOT RIGHT" = such as gluttony & rage. WHY. Is it the passivity? The lack of conscious choice?

Praying to God the whole time we have binge triggers now. SO SO SO SCARED. there is NO acquiesce of the will UNLESS a lotophagoi takes over, or a kakofoni even, not sure where the line blurs exactly. lotophagoi are very hard to pinpoint.
but. the real point is that we DON'T WANT TO BINGE, EVER, ANYMORE. considering how that was our literal addiction for years, that is HUGE. THANK YOU GOD.
every time there's a lapse now, the whole time we are screaming and sobbing inside, begging God to help us because we can't stop on our own. it's TERRIFYING. but He DOES save us. somehow. every single time now-- with the awful exception of the Jademonth-- the whole struggle is over within an hour. it's amazing. i'm honestly staggered by this.

john 5:42 in today's study hits:
"(42) Ye have not the love of God.—The principle which excludes the seeking honour from men, is the love of God. They were, they said, jealous for God’s honour. The first precept of the Law, and the foundation of the Theocracy, was the love of God... They had [the Law] without, but they had not the principle within. There were sure marks which He had read in the heart as plain as the letters worn on the body, and therefore knew that they had not the love of God in them."
They were jealous FOR God's honor-- they too wanted to be honored AS such, via prideful religious exaltation; their "love of God" was a love of their APPLICATION of God? Moral prestige, societal superiority, political power, etc. They did not love God's PERSON, visible in CHRIST. They did not honor Him because that would mean relinquishing all the "proxy" honor THEY got as "experts of the Law"??? Again, focus on MAN'S RESPONSE TO THEIR RELIGION.


prismaticbleed: (Default)
2023-05-31 11:50 pm

daily journals = may 2023

0510

dream. (wed night)

DEATH. (from rosewindow) On porch. In a disguise, middle eastern girl, wearing dark red robes?
Told me I wasn’t going to die yet, but in a few years I would drown?
I said “is that a pun”
She gave me a glare? And said “believe me, everyone knows about you and him”?
Then she had to help two people pass on? Got out scythe, but said it wasn’t used how people think? Used it to “break open” the way for souls that were blind, or resistant, or lost? Like “snipping open” energy field to get in.
Then with both hands cupped she REACHED INTO THEIR RIBCAGES and brought out this large, round, glowing red sphere of light. Like how internal photos look when light is shined through bloodvessels. Numinous.
She said she changes appearances if needed, to match others viewpoints?
Switched to the violet skullface form I recognized as she said this. I remember she reached up to pull her hood back a bit? Saw her skullface. Had the impression that touching her “bones” felt like dry ice?


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0524

HORRIFIC DREAM HACK

Couldn't sleep
Up at 7, then 11?
Said prayers in bed

BUCKFAST ABBEY

Mom call & visit
Hid scars
Orange glasses stress?

Kolbe shrine mass, Francis basilica homily

Exercise double down

Stsrted BK prep
Jade texts
Threw us into social mode
Miserable

Sat dien to eat at 4on
MOM CALL
Both of us Almost in tears from stress

Bk didn't cook right
So nauseous from nerves & religious worry

Mom kept calling
More and more stress

Gave up and just bingepurged
Shut down all consciousness for a while

Feeling so empty, especially religiously

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0527

Woke up so tired
Phone calls again
Averaging 4-5 hours of sleep lately

Immediately exercised
Joyful mysteries and yuta bandoh
Exercise

"SHARONA" NAME INHERIT DISOWN
CAMILLE OR EVALYN???
PRAYED over it; it's SHAVONNE (SIOBHAN??)

Wondering what the heck happened to both ANNA & JOSEPHINA; one bad one good, both YELLOW & assumed dead
ALSO RAZWELL

Bloodlines vs BLOODBANKS???


"Would you abandon them? That would not make Me happy. There is no love in your heart when you make that decision, EITHER for Me or for them. You are running away from relationship in order to be faithful. It is a sad and fatal contradiction. Do you not realize what religion is?"

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0528

Church

33 PHONE CALLS

Terrified of Memorial Day: too much sound, smells, movement, agitation
Mom saying we sound very autistic, consider getting tested

The "fairground" terrorsmell of evening heat & cigarette smoke TRIGGERS YELLOW
Those two scents separated TRIGGER DIFFERENTLY!!!

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0530

Weird sleep. Sick & tossturn but dreamt??
Flat nightmares.
BUT!!! WRECKAGE & THE BLUECHILD??????

Did biking w music rosary
Pictures are distracting??? Cause intrusive thoughts
DVM easiest w no music, it's too chantlike for a bgm

CHURCH!!!!! ;______;
Wore teal glasses today

Exercise getting a bit easier!
WEIGHT DROP??

Wreckage taking pills
"Its fitting restitution for what I once did"
I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

BK 230, very slowly
Tumblr panic

REBIRTH
More "Nicodemus" inspiration; what is this??
"aionios" = INFI RENAME???

Fought SO HARD not to purge

PAINTING
Shirts & blots
Music vibes: frost vs evev

DN 730
Its quiet. Were sitting here in air conditioning, as low light rivers kiss the trees gold, looking up at the moon. What unexpected peace. Thank You God for this.

Seriously going to cut down food portions again. Too much egg & vegetable bulk is causing nausea I'm sure

Minor bingepurge
Gotta be the eggs

Razor atoned
Feeling strangely closer than usual, but not fronting directly

Xenophon 05 points "everything is possible with God"

REVERSE SLC/CNC
OUR CHANCE TO RIGHT OUR WRONGS!!!
THIS IS A HUGE GRACE BOY DON’T MISS OUT

...
prismaticbleed: (angel)
2023-05-31 11:40 pm

may 2023 faithposting



0524

 




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"However deep sinful feelings may go, the new love and life I have in Christ goes deeper still. Sin goes against the grain of my true self; therefore, pursuing Christ is the most “true to self” I can ever be."

"Do not regard this lesson of the Incarnation as a mere vague trust, a mere abstract speculation. It is a belief which affects our estimate of ourselves our conduct to others. There is not one degradation of our being which does not spring from lack of self-reverence, of reverence for beings whom Christ hath redeemed, to whom He has given a right to be children of God. The Incarnation teaches us that our part is in Christ, our bodies His temple, our nature His image, our hearts His shrine. He who regards himself as akin to the beasts that perish will live as they do. He who regards himself as an immortal being, partaker of the nature which Christ wore and Christ redeemed, will aim at a noble and godly life."

" ‘Thou art a Teacher sent from God.’ Ah, brethren, that will not do; it will not do for you and me! We want something a great deal deeper than that... [Jesus] said, ‘Ye must be born again,’ in order that [we] might lay to heart this, that we need something more than a Teacher, [we need] a Life-giver... What men want is not to be told the truth; they know it already. What they want is not to be told their duty; they know that too. What they want is some power that shall turn them clean round. And what each of us wants before we can see the Lord is that, if it may be, something shall lay hold of us, and utterly change our natures, and express from our hearts the black drop that lies there tainting everything. Now, this necessity is met in Jesus Christ... it is Christ’s work as Redeemer, Christ’s sacrifice on the Cross, Christ’s power as bringing to the world a new and holy life, and breathing it into all that trust in Him, which make the very centre of His work... if you want to understand Christ you must understand sin; and whoever thinks lightly of it will think meanly of Him... A true knowledge of myself as a sinful man, of my need of pardon, of my need of cleansing, of my need of a new nature, which must be given from above, and cannot be evolved from within, leads me, and I pray it may lead you, to cast yourself down before Him, with no complaisant words of intellectual recognition upon your lips, but with the old cry, ‘Lord! be merciful to me a sinner.’"
"Dear brethren, I bring that Cross to you now, and pray you to see there Christ’s real work for us, and for the world. He has taught us, but He has done more. He has not only spoken, He has died. He has not only shown us the path on which to walk, He has made it possible for us to walk in it. He is not merely one amongst the noble band that have guided and inspired and instructed humanity, but He stands alone-not a Teacher, but the Redeemer, ‘the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sins of the world.’"

"The true freedom is when, by the direction of our will, we change ‘must’ into ‘I delight to do Thy will.’ So we are set free from the bondage and burden of a law that is external, and is not loved, and are brought into the liberty of, for dear love’s sake, doing the will of the beloved... this freedom will bring with it the necessity for continual warfare against all that would limit and restrain it-namely, the passions and desires and inclinations of our baser or nobler, but godless, self. These are, as it were, deposed by the entrance of the new life. But it is a dangerous thing to keep dethroned and discrowned tyrants alive, and the best thing is to behead them, as well as to cast them from their throne. ‘If ye, through the Spirit, do put to death the deeds’ and inclinations and wills ‘of the flesh, ye shall live’; and if you do not, they will live and will kill you. So the freedom of the new life is a militant freedom, and we have to fight to maintain it... ‘the price of liberty is eternal vigilance,’ so we say about the new life of the Christian man- he is free only on condition that he keeps well under hatches the old tyrants, who are ever plotting and struggling to have dominion once again."


prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2022-10-26 10:00 am

UPMC journal 102622 + 102722


(fusing these two entries as they are the same vital topic, written in the same thought process.)



SO APPARENTLY MY MIND SEES "(deadname)" AS SEPARATE FROM "OLIVER"!!! That explains SO MUCH. it explains HOW we suppressed the "good memories," WHY we "haven't been able to forgive," AND WHY we used that deadname to begin with. We wanted so badly to be FRIENDS with Oliver, that we COULDN'T ACCEPT HIS "UNHEALTHY QUALITIES," and post-trauma our brain therefore just DROPPED his name altogether, to keep it & him SAFE, and used the name HE REJECTED to embody WHAT WE REJECTED, TOO. It was the only way to "make sense" of what happened, however feebly. It's ALSO, MOST NOTABLY & DISTURBINGLY, why we "CAN'T REMEMBER" how OLIVER looked-- because we have trauma memories of that face attached to an "abuser's" body. We ONLY EVER saw (deadname) naked. And we couldn't cope.
Another realization. Although we were ALWAYS "obligated" to do what THEY wanted, what THEY considered "love," WE NEVER GOT TO EXPRESS OUR LOVE. TBAS focused on biting, lascivious "kisses," and rough sex. They would never "hug" us; their "embraces" were usually from behind, and were possessive-- a proclamation of ownership. I can't remember EVER embracing them normally. They NEVER expressed their "love" with ANY tenderness or delicacy, or even sincerity. The ONLY time we EVER felt loved AND BELIEVED that they felt it FOR us, was when they'd give us that "surprised & soft" look, usually after we had done something of our OWN volition for them. ...We always picked them flowers, every single time we went outside. We'd carry roses home in our teeth. We'd secretly buy their favorite foods, especially if they had offhandedly hinted at something. We made & packed their lunches for work. We baked them so many homemade desserts. We went WAY out of our way to prepare & serve them a REAL Thanksgiving dinner and a REAL wigilia for Christmas. We set up an Easter egg hunt for them. We bought them holiday decorations. We did their dishes & laundry & garbage. We SCRUBBED their kitchen clean. We decorated their home with our artwork. We gave them ALL of our long-treasured Pokémon collectibles for their birthday, which they said was LITERALLY "a dream come true"-- which was our greatest hope, because they HAD talked about such dreams extensively and OUR dream WAS to make it come true somehow. We bought them a Tamagotchi for their birthday, too. But... ALL of our love was obviously being directed into ACTS OF SERVICE, in MEETING THEIR BASIC NEEDS AND PERSONAL WANTS, despite-- and perhaps even because-- NONE OF OUR NEEDS WERE BEING MET. We became their absolute caretaker because WE WEREN'T BEING TAKEN CARE OF. In every crisis we would UNFAILINGLY comfort & counsel & reassure them-- when the power went out, when the fleas invaded, when the car broke down, when their haircut was ruined, when they had a meltdown at Walmart, when they were triggered by knocks on the door-- but they NEVER comforted us, with the SOLE notable exception at the park when Jessica fronted & KYO came out to reassure her that she "was a child of the universe" too. And we never forgot that. Still... we felt so unseen, somehow. Their comfort was sympathetic but not empathetic?? And... well, we never SHOWED our pain OR expressed our needs. All of that just imploded & exploded through the eating disorder, to the horribly ironic end that we'd destroy our own efforts of showing unrequited love to them. It was like... if that's the only "love" we can see, then... we couldn't help but desperately gorge ourselves on it. We were starving, inside. We would spend hours eating THEIR food to "be part of their life experience/ share their experiences," since we felt utterly estranged from them otherwise, AND-- as usual-- "trying EVERYTHING" when faced with several unknown options, because "we HAD TO KNOW" what they were like, so we could "understand" & not be "ignorant," which DISTURBED us so much and I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT BEHAVIOR BUT it MUST have powerful ties HERE, in the context of CNC, because THAT'S when it was the WORST. If I had to make a quick guess, I'd say that was "filling the void" of personal connection and actual relationship somehow, too. But it's too complex to treat so lightly, and it started WAY before then; it just hit its near-fatal high point in that apartment. Nevertheless, the bigger point is that we were MISERABLE. Notably we actually began to "WANT" their sexual advances because THAT was the ONLY TIME WE "FELT LOVED" BY THEM; it was attention, at least; they "wanted" us, but in the same way they wanted candy. We were enjoyable to devour.
...I wonder if THAT plays into the binges. If you'll let me switch topics briefly-- we were TERRIFIED of the binges, but still we felt COMPELLED TO BINGE, almost FORCED, no matter HOW much we cried bitterly & raged about it. WE WANTED TO STOP, but when we tried, the sudden ALONENESS of those isolated nights ALWAYS made us REALIZE JUST HOW MISERABLE WE ACTUALLY WERE, when we no longer had to hide or suppress or deny it in their company-- how LONELY & UNLOVED & HOLLOWED-OUT & TRAUMATIZED WE WERE. So we "HAD TO" numb it with food-- but weirdly, NOT with ENJOYABLE food??? Binges were TERRIFYING, full of pain & sugar & FORCED EXPOSURE. We were SO SCARED & SAD & SICK the WHOLE TIME. And of course, the obsessive-compulsive "must try everything" binges of GF "options" and restaurant choices & Latino baked goods. Honestly WHY COULDN'T WE "RELAX" if we "DIDN'T KNOW" what something was LIKE?? Why was that SO IMPORTANT??? OH GEEZ WAIT UP. THAT TIES INTO THE SXABUSE. We ALL remember BOTH the Julie days & the "FB phase," and how I would LITERALLY FORCE EXPOSURE to ALL kinds of abusive indecency, BECAUSE "I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" IF I DON'T "HAVE GOOD REASON TO"????? Does that have FOOD ROOTS in childhood?? Did the family tell me, "TRY IT; YOU'LL LIKE IT"?? and SHAME or PUNISH me if I REFUSED to eat what I was RANDOMLY GIVEN BECAUSE I "DIDN'T LIKE IT" OR "DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS"??? Was the ASSUMPTION that REFUSING WITHOUT "KNOWING WHAT YOU'RE REFUSING" WAS UNJUSTIFIED & UNACCEPTABLE??? Did I feel DOOMED TO EXPOSURE AND PERFORMANCE??? Like with that ONE GF BINGE where I bought the WHOLE DAMN SHELF, so that I COULD "KNOW" WHAT TO EXPECT? because I "HAD TO" eat GF foods?? SO I'D "BETTER KNOW/ PREPARE FOR" what I was "obligated to endure at some point in the future"??? "IF I SUFFER THE INITIAL EXPOSURE BY MYSELF, I'LL KNOW HOW TO ENDURE WHEN OTHERS INFLICT IT/ ORDAIN IT??? SO I CAN BE BRAVE AND SMART?? AND I'LL KNOW I CAN SURVIVE???" But then I was NEVER SAFE OR AT PEACE. I was CONSTANTLY "bracing myself" for the "inevitable," AND "staging battles to prepare for WAR." With Julie & FB-- and the bizarre "internet imitating" phase it spearheaded-- I felt INESCAPABLY DOOMED to sexual trauma, "OBLIGATED" to endure it EVENTUALLY, to "DO WHAT WAS WANTED/ EXPECTED/ DEMANDED OF ME." So I FORCED myself TO "try" those things "BEFOREHAND," SO I COULD HAVE THAT INITIAL TRAUMA MELTDOWN, because with OTHERS I HAD TO PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE & GREAT & "PAINLESS." BUT I HAD TO PREEMPTIVELY BURN AWAY THOSE NERVES, so to speak. I had to be SO PREPARED for the trauma that it WOULDN'T KILL ME. or so I hoped. I think that's what I was doing.
✳ OH DUDE WAIT. IN NC WE KEPT TRYING SWEETS THAT WE "THOUGHT SOUNDED GOOD" OR THAT WE "SHOULD LIKE"??? And if we DIDN'T, we FELT GUILTY??? Like the FOOD felt unloved & rejected?? And we "HAD TO" LIKE EVERYTHING. THAT'S IT!!! WE "HAD TO LIKE ALL THE OPTIONS SO NONE OF THEM WOULD BE REJECTED OR UNLOVED OR FEARED OR IGNORED OR ABANDONED." And we could only do that BY REPEATEDLY FORCING OURSELVES TO EAT THEM "UNTIL" WE "LIKED THEM." ...but typically we DIDN'T. and that felt WRONG. "I SHOULD like this!" and so I'd KEEP FORCING. but it would NEVER WORK, UNTIL I "CHANGED MYSELF TO "LIKE IT"!!! ...emotionlessly. ISCAH STYLE. "I LIKE EVERYTHING" NUMB-FAWNING BEHAVIOR. Dislike was UNACCEPTABLE, so we just... kept trying. and failing. and forcing. etc. "FEAR IS NOT ALLOWED." "YOU MUST CHALLENGE YOURSELF." "YOU MUST RUN INTO DANGER & PROVE YOU CAN SURVIVE IT, BY YOUR OWN CHOICE, BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE FORCES YOU TO."

...So we never said "NO" to (deadname). We never said "NO" to Oliver, because he was our FRIEND, wasn't he? And WE were a friendly person, right? He SAID he loved us, and we love him too... right? He says THAT is love, so... we have to do that, right? Otherwise, WE don't love HIM; otherwise, we're NOT a true friend. Right?? We CAN'T say "no" to ANYTHING. We HAVE to be WILLING & ABLE to endure, WITH A SMILE, WHATEVER WE WERE OBLIGATED TO DO. And... "how can we refuse what we don't even know?" "How can we make the RIGHT decision if we don't have ALL THE DATA???" "If we choose ONE option out of TEN, we NEED TO KNOW WHY THE OTHER NINE WEREN'T CHOSEN." BUT "THAT'S REJECTION AND THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!! YOU CAN'T "PICK FAVORITES;" THAT'S CRUEL & UNFAIR." "EVERYTHING HAS TO BE "LIKED" SO YOU'RE NOT BEING MEAN & COLD & IGNORANT & CLOSED-OFF BY NOT DOING SO." etc. etc. etc. "Why did you choose vanilla over chocolate? I like chocolate! Don't you like me? Are you saying people who choose chocolate will be rejected by you, too??" "Are you being so arrogant & aloof?" "You've never even TRIED that food/ flavor before!! How can you KNOW you won't like it?? You MIGHT LIKE IT!" Were we SO DESPERATE for comfort & security that we were willing to take that risk??
IF WE DISLIKE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKES, WE ARE "THEREFORE" DISLIKING PART OF THEM"-- we are saying, by our distaste, that we find part of THEM distasteful. Our dislike is an OFFENSIVE ACTION, in this mindset. It's an ATTACK. And it makes us OPPONENTS?? But I WANT TO BE FRIENDS. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND THEM. I WANT THEM TO FEEL SEEN & LOVED & KNOWN. I CAN'T do that if I REJECT & AVOID PARTS OF THEIR PERSONALITY & EXPERIENCE!! I MUST be READY & ABLE to empathize with/ share the experiences of ANYONE.
Case in point: we just did "meal session planning" & picked PANERA and two people ALREADY said their choices SO I'M ALREADY ANXIOUSLY FEELING COMPELLED TO PICK THOSE OPTIONS, "TO SHOW I SUPPORT/ APPROVE OF/ CARE FOR THEM."
ALSO. "Once I DO try it, IT'S DONE. I don't EVER have to face that again; it's OVER." Except I wake up the next morning and it happens again. GEEZ, HOW MUCH OF THIS TIES INTO THAT?? Because, in SURVIVAL MODE like we were, ironically we STILL EXPECTED TO DIE. Honestly I think we even hoped for it. We saw no other way out of that doomed cycle.
BTW REMEMBER "ESTAR SYNDROME"!!!
Last note. ...We did love Oliver. I can't deny that. But we could never show it. The one time I remember we DID, in ALL sincerity, was when we spontaneously kissed their stomach, out of pure affection, and their expression just melted. It is the sole memory we have of their face. They said NO ONE had EVER loved THAT part of them before, let alone kissed it. But we did. And THAT is why we COULDN'T "end the relationship." Yes, ultimately our differences in religion & morals were irreconcilable, and my trauma made ME intolerable & toxic. I contritely admit that. (We were a nightmare to live with in that respect and we feel unbearably sorry that they had to deal with the fallout from our mangled coping methods & outright mental illness, no matter how much we tried to make reparation.) Still, their controlling & promiscuous "love" for me was toxic too, and in the end I HAD to choose EITHER them or my family. So I "ghosted" them. I didn't plan to, I didn't want to, it just... I had no other choice. I didn't WANT to "admit" I wanted OUT, that they HAD damaged me, because deep down I COULDN'T FORGET OR (FULLY) DENY THE LOVE I FELT FOR THEM NEVERTHELESS. But we were starving to death with them, emotionally. We WERE "bingeing & purging" their "love," I think. Geez. Wow. Still... (deadname) was what we called them in our memories of the sxabuse. It kept OLIVER "safe" from it, at least apparently. I don't know how we'll react if & when we drop that imposed distinction. But I can't write any more about it now. Just... remember that REAL love. FORGIVE YOURSELF, TOO.





prismaticbleed: (angel)
2022-04-30 09:51 pm

tumblr faithposting: april + may 2022




Mikhail Nesterov: The Empty Tomb (1889)


I love the link of light between the flaming sword & the tiny candle. Both burn with hope and love.
And yes, through Christ-- Who is both the Crucified and the Risen One-- death is not the end! Through His Resurrection, the "worst thing", the end of earthly life itself, is not the last thing... which means that, once the worst is over, all we have left is joy.

When we live well– with our desire & goal being heaven alone– then death is a fulfillment of a life lived for Him, and an ending only of all struggle & hindrances to holiness. To one who lives for God, death is but the doorway to unending joy.


But when these things begin to come to pass, look up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is at hand.
(Luke 21:28)

 
I just read Luke 21 today, and that verse in this context is giving me chills. Here, Christ has died, and today, Christ is risen... but at a time only God knows, Christ will come again-- terrible, beautiful, with all the glory He both hid and held at the Cross.

Remember that, too, when you lift your head to look at Him upon it!

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Holy Saturday is a POWERFUL reminder that the silence of God does NOT mean the absence of God.

Even after His physical death, Christ was not gone– He did not abandon or forget us. So it is even now, in our own sufferings and yes, even our deaths. If you cannot hear His Voice from inside the tomb, do not fear– He has risen; and He will open every grave in due time. Until then, He is there with you, silent yet staying.
Holy Saturday is eerily quiet, but it is in that quiet that God paradoxically speaks. You just can’t hear Him with your ears. Today, listen– even now, as always, there is a hint of heaven in the air.

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Holy Women Leaving the Sepulchre
Philip Galle––1587


How terrible that departure must have felt-- especially for His Mother! To leave Jesus there, cold and covered in blood... the utter heartache in this is tangible, made even more stark by the mundane background details... the men carrying the ladder away from the Cross, Joseph and Nicodemus unaware of the worst horrors, the City towering on the horizon just like any other day. The only thing markedly unusual is the empty Cross, soon to be removed as well. Business as usual.
But the women know the truth. Something great and awful has happened, and nothing is the same. And Mary, perhaps Mary alone, knows even more, that there is an even greater event coming. Still, she must leave Him until then, and no amount of hope, however actual, can erase her equally real agony.


The Pieta - Gaspero Bruschi


Oh this is stunning.

I honestly love artworks that show the angels mourning the dead Christ alongside Mary; it really hits home that all of heaven wept with us.


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The Harrowing of Hell (or 'Christ's Descent into Limbo') is my FAVORITE thing; it strikes me to the heart with unutterable joy.

Christ dies, goes down to the netherworld as all humans did until then, and the devil thinks he's got Him, game over! Except Christ has come carrying the battering ram (pun intended) of the Cross. Fearlessly and with incandescent purpose, He wrenches open the jaws of Hell and breaks through its prison bars, takes Adam & Eve by the hands, and marches with them and all the ancient Saints in blissful triumph right through the also-thrown-open gates of Heaven. He destroys death WITH death, because once He touched it with those Bloodied Hands, it changed-- transformed from a lethal weapon to an instrument of life. Satan was, indeed, bound and plundered, never to recover. It's glorious beyond words.

To think; while His Apostles and beloved friends were mourning and waiting, lost out in the cold before the Tomb, Jesus was wrecking Hell itself, and changing history by redeeming all that the ages had long held in hope.

THAT is the triumph we are celebrating even tonight, when the Tomb itself becomes flooded with light, emptied of all but promises fulfilled. At nightfall, weeping enters in, but with the dawn-- rejoicing, infinite and eternal!

Christ is not risen yet, but believe me, He is having a hell of a time until then.



Jesus is legit just stepping over the busted door, with Satan UNDER IT. 


Look at that exultant entrance! Look at the skulls and snakes crushed beneath His Pierced Feet! Look how every poor soul reaches to Him with every fiber of their being! 


VICTORY IS COMING!


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(all image credit to the photographer)


Fountain.

Come to the Fountain-- see this overflow of grace, of life, of joy, of love! Yet what a shock we encounter; for it is still all His Blood. All of that beauteous promise is wrapped up in red. Yes, we can drink from the wellspring of salvation, indeed we must, but that infinite source is His Heart.

Can you-- will you-- stand so close? Why do you hesitate?

I'm struck to the core by how Christ is looking at her, clear agony in His gaunt Face and yet so tenderly, terribly compassionate even then. He seems almost imploring-- her fingers are stained with mercy but there is so much more to be had-- He bids her to drink, My child; take as much as you need; this is all for you, the one I love enough to die for.

He says that to all of us, there on the Cross.

Even now, we too are wrapped in red.



Compassion.

"If I, your Lord and teacher, have washed your feet, you too must wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example: Just as I have done, you also must do... I give you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, so you also must love each other." (John 13:14‭-‬15‭, ‬34 CEB)

We are His servants of love-- bound in joyful duty to Love Himself. Our every action is to be defined by this blissful mandate.

So then... why do we neglect compassion towards Him? Is He not in need, too? Has He not suffered more than we can imagine? Indeed, we must also love our Lord in the same way He loves us.

Wash His feet. Bind up His Wounds. Gently wipe the Blood from His Face, and kiss away His Tears of pain.

Do not be afraid of the Cross. It, too, is an act of compassion.



Tenderness for my wounded God.
 

His Crown is not of thorns, but of tenderness-- the true power of His Kingship hides in the kisses encircling His bleeding brow.



Tenderness for my wounded God.

There is such aching softness in this; one even forgets that Christ has just been crucified. Lying there in her arms, reclining on her lap, the Beloved One rests in His completed work and in the embrace of His own Beloved child.

The dawn breaks; the doves appear. Light shines in the darkness, and hope spreads wings of freedom over the weary world.

Spring sets its emerald promise like a jewel upon the trees. New life is coming... the Tree of Life has borne its fruit.

In the heart of it all, red wounds color a red woman, the hue of salvation echoed in the very sunrise. Tenderness so deep it aches has soaked into the very fabric of our souls, of reality itself.

There, together, is unending peace... unending joy... unending love. The pain lasts but a moment. With the dawn comes this.


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Jesus Washing the Feet of his Disciples

Albert Edelfelt⏤1898

The tenderness of Christ, and the tension of the Apostles, are amazingly tangible in this. Look at their hands!

Look at all the closed body language– how nervous they are, how sheepish they appear, strangely humbled by their Lord’s shocking humility, by this sudden mundane intimacy. Christ has never touched them so carefully before. Christ has never seen how dirty and pungent their calloused feet are. If they balked at revealing the filth of their soles, is it because they were now just as immediately aware of the far more malodorous sin on their souls?

Even so, there He is, meek and quiet and impossibly gentle, washing the dust of the wearisome road from between their toes, beneath their nails. It’s such a motherly action, far moreso than a servile one: yes, a servant will clean your feet, but only a mother will bathe you, washing away even your darkest fears with her knowing touch– and only a mother is allowed to be so purely intimate. Well… a mother or a lover.

“Unless I was you, you won’t belong to Me.” How much more depth that phrase holds, in such a light. What trust, what fidelity, what selfless love He gave them, and implored them to give in return! What sweet meekness, to serve others not as obligation, but as an honor– as a true joy! This is what it means to be His disciple, a child of His Kingdom. This is His example; this is the heart of God.



The Last Supper
, Jaume Huguet, ca. 1470

Judas’s shocking lack of a halo is almost unnoticeable at first, his hair blending in with Jesus’s robe– and with the wine, both cruel and chalice. His role as the betrayer links him to both the “cup of suffering” Jesus was about to drink, and the “outer garment” that was to be gambled away at His death… to blood and greed.

He reaches for the lamb, alone dipping his hand into the dish, his portion of bread the only one with a piece “cut off”. He is helping himself, not waiting to be fed by the Lord. Perhaps he fears he will not get “what he wants,” or as much as he desires… certainly that thought motivated his apostasy; he wanted an earthly kingdom, not a heavenly one. He sees this dead lamb and only thinks of eating it. His appetite is for the dead flesh, not the Living Bread.

There’s a cat at his feet. Medievally, they were often symbols of vice. Historian Damien Kemf says, “Unlike dogs, cats cannot be trained to be loyal and obedient; they will go to whoever gives them food… Their ability to see in the dark was often associated with heretics, who ignored the light of Christ and preferred to stay in darkness.” I daresay that, domesticated, the “roaring lion” is harder to hear or even suspect, but he still “prowls about, looks for someone to devour”…

I look at the dark robe shrouding our Lord and I just think, “and it was night.” Yet even that will be shed in time. Despite all, the light shines through. It is tragic, that Judas could not see it… ironically, his head is the only one bereft of gold.


scrunchie-face:

Losing my mind over the gospel of Luke being like “they wrapped his body in linen cloth and laid him in a tomb” after the beginning of the story being “they wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger”


Also, consider that the man who wrapped & buried Jesus’s body was named Joseph. At the beginning and the end, Mary and Jesus were with a Joseph. I wonder how she felt, if she knew his name.

But the name is also shared by the ancient Patriarch. The name in Hebrew holds meanings of “gathering together” and “harvesting”– with a core message of “feeding the hungry.” The first Joseph did that in Egypt, saving thousands from famine with the bread only he had. Mary’s husband Joseph did that with Christ, the Bread of Life, placed in the feeding-trough… and Joseph of Arimathea did that by placing Christ in the tomb, like planting the seed for the eternal life-giving harvest of the Resurrection.

Just… there’s so much. It’s wrenchingly beautiful.



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They say, "sin wouldn't be so attractive if the wages were paid immediately."

A very bold, dangerous prayer is to ask for this-- even just a little. "God, when I am attracted by sin, show me immediately the true nature of it! Show me its ugliness; show me that it is not worth what I think it is!"

Be vigilant! Sin can only allure you if you are looking with worldly eyes; if you look through the lens of faith, its facade fails. God will give you that sight if you stay close to Him, your desires fixed on Him alone.

The wages of sin is death, and the more your life is spent abiding in the sweetness of Christ, the more clearly you will smell the opposing stench of death in every temptation to sin. Fear not! Stay close to Christ; He will guard you.


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There are only two kinds of people: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says, ‘All right, then, have it your way.’

— C.S. Lewis
 

I am genuinely terrified of ever hearing that statement from God. It's an immediate death sentence-- a clear testament to the fact that whatever "way" I might be insisting upon, it isn't God's Way.

The good news? If I-- if you-- ever hear Him say that, we can just as instantly stop and repent. We can respond, "wait, I have been foolish and ignorant; now that I clearly know You are not with me on that path, I forsake it. I do not want "my way" if it means going on without You. Please forgive me; have mercy, and lead me in Your Way instead."

God warns us, not to damn us, but to rescue us. He says these things to purposely shock us, to make us fearfully realize the grave nature of our rebellion, however blind it may be. God will not deny His mercy to anyone, if they sincerely seek it from Him with a contrite heart. He will never turn away a soul that returns to Him in truth, no matter how far they may have wandered before.

Practice saying "Thy Will be done." If you've never actually affirmed it before, do so now. Even if its feeble and afraid, hold it in your heart, and pray for the grace to day it ever more strongly, until it becomes part of every breath you take. Never give up. You do not want to be in that second group, and you never have to be. God doesn't want you lost, either. Take courage, and trust Him.


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Spiritual desolation is terrifying; God feels utterly absent, distant, unreal; all memories of consolation become untranslatable or inaccessible. The heart becomes dry and hollow; prayer suffers, joy withers, peace disappears. How, then, can this profound numbing of the soul benefit us? How can such a chasm of emptiness possibly do us any good?

That’s what this quote clarifies. That’s the paradox. It doesn’t.

Desolation is the anaesthetic. That’s it’s true job. But God is the surgeon.

When we are desolate, we still know God is real; we still have faith burned into our being, even if we feel nothing, even if doubts and fears plague us nonstop. We hope against hope. We cling to what we cannot even sense anymore, and yet we cannot ever deny it outright. Even collapsed under the weight of our cross, we know Someone gave it to us for a Good Reason, and if that raw fact is ALL we have to go on as we hobble on to Calvary, then so be it; it is enough. It must be enough, if it is all we were given. God knows. We don’t. That’s the point.

We forget that we’re not the ones doing the work. When we are anesthetized, desolate, we cease striving after our own notions of success. We stop taking on more than our share, we abandon ambition, we no longer try to guess or even edit God’s plan for our life. We are like unruly yet beloved children, who genuinely want to help Him with the home repairs but keep losing the tools and touching all the wet paint… we don’t understand when He says “no,” even though He says it with love. We can’t quite grasp the truth of our “not knowing”– of our not even being able to know. We just want to help. Come on, Dad, let me plug in the wires. Let me hold the drill. It looks so easy! But pride is lurking, and ultimately the only way to humble our childish enthusiasm is to give us a time-out. Out of the room, away from Dad, unable to interfere. Out of love.

Soon enough, He will come and get us, and show us what beautiful work He has done… all for us! All within us! So we must doggedly hold on to faith, and hope, and charity, even if just with our feeble will– no feelings, no fervor, just a weak but honest resolution to not give up on God. Wait one more day. One more. One more. Keep waiting. Keep trusting. He remembers you, of course! He is working on you, remember? You’re just under anaesthetic for a while. The numbness is not permanent. Be patient, beloved. Carry the cross with gratitude. It is, truly, our only hope, even in this.

Transformation requires desolation. Remember that. So it was with Christ; so it must be with us.

Re-read the Archbishop’s words and take them deeply to heart. You need this understanding, this acceptance. Sometimes, for the greatest good of our souls, all we can do is let ourselves be put aside so God can do His work. This takes immense trust, and love, and humility. Tell God you are willing. Pray fervently for the grace. Then… well, “count backwards from 100”, as they say. Let God decide when to work. Do not impede Him, even in good will. Surrender to that sanctified numbness. And wait on the Lord.


“Never be afraid of your Bibles. If there is a text of Scripture you dare not meet, humble yourself till you can. If your creed and Scripture do not agree, cut your creed to pieces, but make it agree with this book. If there be anything in the church to which you belong which is contrary to the inspired word, leave that church.”

— Charles Spurgeon
 

This, right here, is the powerful heart of Christian living, the true fire of Charity.

The Bible contains many “hard sayings,” many difficult commands, and plenty of convicting truths. Being the Holy Book, it will inevitably point out our unholiness with piercing accuracy. Don’t run away. Don’t let pride make you hide! That Biblical cutting-down-to-size is what cuts out our sinful habits, if we humbly accept that we both need and deserve the process.

Likewise, some of your personal beliefs, opinions, preferences, ideas, etc., being formed by the world, will stand opposed or contrary– however minimally– to what it says in God’s Word. You may laugh this off as mistranslation or “outdated doctrine” or the like, trying to justify yourself and validate all your thoughts instead, forgetting that you are terribly fallible and prone to commit error every moment. When your viewpoint clashes with that of Scripture, you get off that high hill of yours and seek a different vantage point. When your own “book” of rules disagrees with the one Good Book, you tear your tome apart at the very spine. I use brutal language because we cannot be mincing or hesitant in these matters. There is One Truth that is God, and if we encounter opposition to it in ourselves, however “minor,” it is still a lie in the face of God and it must be removed and replaced.

Lastly, we live in the last days. The Church, though her heart is safeguarded as the Bride of Christ, nevertheless is maintained by thousands of human sons & daughters who maim their Lord’s teachings by their own errors, by gutless lies and social pride and moral laxity. Your local church is not exempt from this plague. You must keep your eyes & heart fixed on God’s Word, vigilant for any missteps or malice both within yourself and in your worship community, and like a devout soldier, always ready to defend your Lord’s honor and guard His Church from the enemy, the Liar. Be gentle but firm, courageous but meek, merciful but just– and start with yourself. Get the beam out of your own eye, by the grace of God! Only in true humble piety can you discern dangers in the church, which includes you. If you aren’t properly living as a sheep of His flock, you won’t recognize the impropriety of a wolf… and a true sheep knows their Master’s Voice: a Voice we learn to love through His Word.

Never be afraid of the Bible. Yes, it is full of fearful power, but that power is meant to save! Such is the nature of holiness. Its fire is meant to purify and enlighten! Every word within it has been given for Good. Trust in its heart, and read it constantly. Let it define your entire life, for when this life ends, only the soul who has loved God’s Word will know the Way to life eternal.





prismaticbleed: (angel)
2022-03-30 10:49 pm

tumblr faithposting: march 2022


When I am farthest away from everything else, I am nearest to God. When I feel abandoned and rejected by my family, and have no friends to turn to; when finances crash and my health fails and I see no way out; when facing my past is terrifying and facing my future reveals a void; when my own stupidity and weakness and sinfulness crushes me to near despairing… God is close to me. When I am hollowed out with grief, He fills me with His loving Presence. No matter what I suffer and lose on earth, God is my inheritance forever. He will never leave or betray me. He holds both my past and my future in His caring hands. When my heart is broken to pieces, then He can touch it most gently, putting it back together as precious art, with the gold of faith. When I crack under stress, His Light pours in through the shattered places, beams of hope through the darkness. When I weep, He promises me joy in Him, but He also gives me a bittersweet and beautiful joy in my tears, for He always, weeps with me. He never downplays my grief, or laughs it off, or says its no big deal. He cares, deeply and completely, to the point of feeling everything I feel. How else could He understand so sincerely? How else could He heal so thoroughly? How else could He love so totally? He heals my hurts but He shares them first. He bleeds with me. He carries my scars. He knows my suffering, and through it, He points me to the Cross– the sacred place where I am nearest to Him, where I am delivered from all discouragement, where my wrecked and weeping earthly body dies with Him… to be reborn new and joyous and free with Him, with the promise of eternal life… of eternal Love. My broken heart is a doorway inviting me to participate in Christ’s suffering just as He participates in mine– to come into His Passion where I will learn compassion, mirroring His own pierced Heart on the Cross, pouring out mercy and empathy for all the aching hearts who seek refuge in His. Let my pain, too, then, bring me to Him. Let it all be blessed. Let me throw my arms around this Cross on which we both hang in hope between heaven and earth. The Lord is close, closest to me then.

(Reflection on Psalm 34:18)

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When you are struggling with addiction relapses, do not despair, beloved! Although such setbacks are crushing, they are not fatal, if you hold courageously to hope in God’s power to save. He will fight for you.

It might take time. I know; I have been there in the pit too. But keep praying. Keep trusting God’s timing and care, that He WILL vanquish the addiction at the proper time. Until then, keep your heart and mind grounded in hope. Prepare for His victory. It will come.

You have fallen, yes, but Christ fell under the Cross too. He understands; He knows exactly how it feels, and how to help you stand again.

Addiction is illness; it is not truth. You are not, and cannot, be defined by it. God will restore you; it is inevitable. He is the Divine Physician. Your wounded soul will be healed. Just keep asking Him. Persistence shows dogged faith, and such faith is powerful. It brings miracles from His Hand.


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Spiritual warfare becomes brutal on holy days; the devil refuses to give God any allowance. As holiness increases, so does suffering. Remember this! Be vigilant and watchful in prayer, fasting, and almsgiving-- this Lent and always. Your only preparation for such demonic ambushes is closeness with God, an intimacy which you cannot achieve if you are instead wrapped up in the world. So pray always. Be humble, mortify the passions, and do works of mercy, however small but sincere. You will still be attacked. Christ was, too. Satan will war against God's children until the end of the age; we must never seek to be excluded from that paradoxical honor of suffering for Christ. But we must also never try to fight without Him.

On those holy days, when trials and temptations increase, cry out to God! Run to Him and pray for His merciful grace-- for the armor of God! He will give it to you. He will dress you in it. Then fight with prayer, humility, and courage, trusting only in God, Who alone can deliver. Even if you stumble, God will catch you, and help you up. You may still bleed, and weep, and struggle bravely, but you will not be destroyed, for You belong to Him and He will save you.

Maybe you won't grasp just how much God has saved you from until the "war is over," and He calls you home. But He does give grace, in every battle until then, if you pray for it & open your heart to receive it. He will come to you and help you.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you-- not because of your resistance, for he could crush you in a moment-- but because now he sees Christ the Conqueror-- your victorious King-- standing beside his trusting child, and all hell is utterly powerless before Him.


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petitefleuriste:

Thank You Lord, for not answering any of my ignorant prayers.

He does answer them, though.

Not a single prayer goes unheard or unanswered. God does not snub us, even in our ignorance. He loves us enough to always respond with compassion.

He says “No, my beloved child, I cannot give you that. You do not understand what you are asking. But I do. You beg for stones that sparkle but do not satisfy. Instead, I will give you bread. I will give you what is far better, far sweeter, far more beautiful than anything you are even able to ask for right now. Trust Me in this refusal. It is a redirection. I will give you exactly what your yearning soul needs.”


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Sigrid Blomberg, The Annunciation, 1899

This is gorgeous.

I adore the position of her hands-- she is essentially exposing her heart to God. She has "removed the veil" for the Lord to enter her inmost sanctuary, and for Her to also enter into such intimacy with Him; God's Presence shall now dwell in Her as His Tabernacle, and take on His own "veil" of humanity there (Hebrews 10:20). Long before the Crucifixion occurred in time, the Body of Christ-- the "veil" through which we enter God's Presence-- opened that sacred door to and through Mary, His Mother, from whom His very Body and Blood would be born. She is the "Portal of the Sky"; the first gateway from heaven to earth.

And her face... what total trust, what peace, what ecstasy, what love for God! This is the moment she says 'YES' to the divine Incarnation, the moment that changed human history forever. There is something utterly timeless in her expression; something eternal in that serene bliss. That, too, is a glimpse of Heaven.

Her left foot is uncovered. I think of Exodus 3:5 and Isaiah 52:7-- where she kneels is holy ground, she who is to there become the Bringer of the Good News. It may also be a play on words... she has "bared her soul/sole" before God. Lastly, if I may be so symbolic... In Hebraic thought, the right represents the spiritual and the left represents the physical. In my thoughts here, for her left foot to be uncovered-- even unveiled-- speaks of humility and humanity, of what is spiritual becoming physical; of God Himself gaining feet so as to walk with us, to become so shockingly human. God Himself will trod the earth, will be the Good News, will take on our dust without becoming it-- will turn that dust to gold. And Mary's foot is there, pure and naked, crushing the serpent's head forever.

I have a lot of feelings about this artwork; it truly touches my heart. God bless the sculptor; may her soul rest in peace.

Mary, Mother of Christ, Handmaiden of God, pray for us your children, those your Son was born to save. We love you.


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lauramakabresku:

Shelter

There are not only sparrows at His feet, but also a woodpecker, and both are tenderly touching His Wounded Feet with their tiny beaks. How they worship in their own small ways! How profound and pure is that worship! The bird that eats from holes it bores into trees, now finds food everlasting in the nail-holes from the Tree of the Cross. The bird that is deemed the least of all, offered as a poor man’s sacrifice, finds an understanding Heart through proof of Blood spilled to redeem the most impoverished and despised souls.

The Lamb embraces a lamb, innocent and unblemished, despite the single red stain on its hip joint– the sciatic nerve, which allows the body to stand upright; the place touched by an angel, a touch that both wounds the body and heals the soul. There, this little lamb is a testament to both the weakness of creation and the power of God– blessed by a curse, purified by what was thought to be impure, given life through death, and triumph through defeat. It carries blemish to the eyes of man but in the eyes of God it is faultless. So is the Lamb. And so are we, if, although we wrestle sorely with His Cross we refuse to let go, for God alone is victorious, and in surrendering to His glory in our defeat we are given a new name, a new purpose, a new life, yet carrying the scars as He did. Grace is given, not won, and it is only when we are humbled by the Lord that He can lift us up in truth. We are blessed with Blood, clothed in spotless white, yet always holding that salvific red, the holy humiliation that kills all perfect pride.

Christ holds us all in His caring embrace, and yet those very Hands and Feet speak of the suffering He endured through the same motive. It was for Love that He died; it was through Love that He rose again. His wounds sing of that Love always, and invite us into His very self– the Source of all Sweetness, the Tree of Eternal Life, the One Who kisses the fragile head of every sparrow. When they fall, He picks them up tenderly; when they die, He weeps. So He does with us. What holy pain unbearable, to see our sinful agony! How much more would He tend for our broken bodies if He so loves the sparrows– indeed, He was moved to destroy death itself. Thus it was that Christ died in our place… He let Himself be pierced through, falling to the ground, so that by the power of His healing grace, every tiny soul can fly again.

In His Wounds, the weary soul finds perfect rest. In His Heart, all find a home.

The animals recognize the Love in His Wounds and they adore. Through the Holy Spirit, the tiny bird singing in our hearts even now, let us do the same.



Don't leave me alone, a fugitive. I want your hands
To carry my heart. I long for the bread of your voice,
I long for everything. I long for myself... I long for you.


Mahmoud Darwish, Give Birth to Me Again That I May Know (tr. Abdullah al-Udhari)
 

 
 

Praying love poems to Jesus...

I think I've prayed the exact soul of this poem so many times, especially when my packed schedule keeps me from attending Mass, or when I am slumped against a doorframe at 3am.

Don't abandon me to this isolating darkness. Carry my heart when it is so heavy with blood, saturated with tears. Let me recieve You-- let me hear Your Word, let me touch You, taste You, be with You.

I long for everything. I can only exist within You.

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Sometimes you really do need to get dreadfully lost in order to find what is of true meaning in life. The false "world" we are tangled in, the daily grind of man-made society-- out at sea, does it matter? No. Then what does? What persists, but what is untouched by man-- what exists despite human plans? Out in the waves, who are you? What speaks in your mind, your heart, your soul? That is the most important. Out there, it is just you, and God.

Matthew 14:25. Perhaps we're not the ones doing the finding. Perhaps we need to lose "everything" to be found by Everything.


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There is something about sunsets over the sea that pulls at my heart. They’re so different than my familiar mountain sunsets– brighter, clearer, wider somehow. They feel like the closing credits of a movie, full of joyful promise of the future unseen, but aching bittersweet with the fact of an ending. Perhaps its the water, the ocean infinite, reflecting the glowing sky into greater endless light. But it’s beautiful. It is the paradoxical comfort of feeling at home on the open waves– a sense of deep reassurance despite having nowhere to call your own… nowhere but the sea, the sky.

All those boats. All those little travels. And those cats, wanderers at heart. How lovely, how tender it all is.

I think about how Christ lived in a little fishing village, too. He watched these sunsets with joy untold– He, Who sang them into existence before any human drew breath.

I wonder if the sunsets remember that every evening.



Just step outdoors, see the light on the hills, the stars at night-- that's enough.

-Anaïs Nin, from “The diary of Anaïs Nin, vol. 3: 1939-1944”

 

 

The fragile and grandiose beauty of this… it makes me weep.

Just… it’s enough. Lift up your eyes, lift up your hope. Breathe it in. Whatever wound is tormenting your poor heart tonight, it can be soothed, it can be hummed to sleep by the loving stars, by the light, by the gentle and ancient hills.

God is there in it all, the soul knows. We feel the brush of His fingertips in the night breeze. It is enough. It is, forever, enough.

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Deep in our hearts we all were made for this blessed freedom-- for the open sky, the endless road, the rolling hills, the calling sea. All of our most beloved clichés exist because they speak to an intrinsic longing, a global truth, a sort of mutual human need for something greater than the daily grind. We know in our bones that the world spins on regardless of our little schemes, our businesses and finances and societies and cities. It's all temporary, unreal at best, serving a fleeting purpose then returning to conceptual dust. But the green of springtime endures. The blue of the heavens endures. And as long as the beat of our hearts endures as well, they will never stop reaching out to us, waiting for us to reach back, calling us home.

God knit all things together in love, in harmony, in beautiful cooperation. We are meant to live in Creation with every enthusiastic ounce of joy it elicits from our soul. We are meant to share in the absolute Divine bliss that shaped cosmos out of chaos and fashioned atoms into apple trees and alligators and Adam himself. We are meant to recognize and embrace and embody the Love that breathed us into individual being, and to give thanks with every breath, and to love every other blessed thing on earth in return. God is love, and in the end and in the beginning, that's all we ever really want, all we ever really look for in life, all we ever really need.

It is in that Love that we find our freedom, and we feel it with a heart-aching conviction every once in a blessed while, under the sky, with grass beneath bare feet.

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I just love people so much, honestly I do; every soul is infinitely precious and loved by God and really, you can't help but love every soul in gracious resonance with that.

Sitting in airports, heart bursting with affection for everyone who walks by, traversing that bittersweetly beautiful interspace between each personal story of here and there... driving home at night and getting indigo-hued glimpses into sweet simple life through lamplit windows... striking up tiny yet treasured conversations with passerby folks in grocery stores and doctors offices and churches, the temporalily shared lives of strangers intersecting for an unexpectedly intimate minute... all of this and so much more.

It's beautiful. People are beautiful. God loves us, loves them, loves you. Love people for God's sake. We're all priceless fragile things.

Our bodies are indeed temples of God. So remember that when you meet another soul. Everyday life is holy because of this. Love God through love of neighbor. Little moments comprise our lives. Make every one a prayer.



“The black sky was underpinned with long silver streaks that looked like scaffolding and depth on depth behind it were thousands of stars that all seemed to be moving very slowly as if they were about some vast construction work that involved the whole order of the universe and would take all time to complete. No one was paying any attention to the sky.”

Wise Blood Flannery O'Connor
 

 

This both breaks my heart and moves me to tears. Just… this is every moment of our lives, do you realize that? God is perpetually working and moving in His Creation and the sky is always a gorgeous construction of infinite delicate complexity and how often do we really pay attention to it? All of this holy grandeur and we don’t even notice. It’s a Divine Love song that’s always being sung and we don’t even hear it. It’s heartbreaking and yet, it’s such an unbearably beautiful truth– for when we do finally take notice, we are staggered by the thought: how long have I been ignorant of this? How much sky have I failed to pay attention to?

But it’s there nevertheless. No one is looking but it exists in magnificent mystery nevertheless. God is looking and singing and loving and that is enough. And there’s something profoundly hopeful about that: to know that our failures cannot damage or diminish that glory in the slightest. But at the same time, God waits for it to be noticed. He waits, with a similar sorrowful joy, for His creations to notice… and, by finally looking and listening, join in His eternal love song.


Every life leaves an impression. We are God’s fingerprints.

-Noah benShea

 

Thinking deeply about this. “Christ has no body now but yours, no hands but yours…” God continues to tangibly touch our lives through other lives. We’re all His children; we all exist because of Him, for Him, through Him. So when we touch another life, God inevitably touches them through us, however faintly. But are you letting His fingerprints be felt? Or are your own hands too dirty? What impression are you leaving– the pure love of the Father, or the sin-stained fumbling of your own mortality? How much do your own hands get in the way of His? Reflect on this.

 

sunflorally: repeat after me: my body is not wrong, or ugly, or too thin, or too big, or too pale, or too dark. it is the vessel of a precious life and that is always more than enough.

 

The very words “my body” still feel ugly and sick and wrong. The very concept of “my” is still poisoned with a deeply hidden, lingering self-loathing, injected by the abusive nightmares that made the word “body” sound like a torture chamber. The two words together are still so terrifying they make my emotions shut right down, unable to cope with what would surface otherwise.

It shocks me that, despite all the healing I have done and am still actively doing, this ancient horror still hasn’t faded. The wound won’t close, let alone scab or scar. I know I still believe the trauma lies somewhere and until I don’t, I’ll keep bleeding. But it’s very hard. Nevertheless, I know it must be done.

…The other thing that struck me about this is the phrase, “a precious life.” Me? My life is precious? It sounds utterly impossible, incredible, ridiculous. I can’t take it seriously; the very concept is beyond respect. My life is not precious… except, I’m a Catholic. And if there’s one thing I find super hard to believe, it’s the FACT that Jesus Christ has declared my wretched stupid life to be so precious that He chose to DIE a bloody death in order to save it from destruction. That’s a FACT that I cannot dispute. I can only look at it in helpless sobbing confused frustrated wonder, my bitter self-hatred faltering in the shadow of the Cross. It’s the only place I can learn how to love. It’s the only place I can learn how to finally accept that my life is, bewilderingly, actually precious… that my cursed “body” is also something Christ wants to bless and save and heal… that the possibility of both those profound changes in mindset are not only possible but already achieved in Him.

Yes, I’m still mentally sick in a lot of ways. I will shamefully admit that. But Jesus came into this world to heal sick souls like me, and if I have faith in that truth with all my heart, then I have a hope that cannot fail. And I’ll hold on to that, and keep re-reading this little message, until I believe its simple but pure truth, too.


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"God will not numb your feelings or put you to sleep"-- how did I never realize that truth before?? When I am tempted by self-loathing to just give up and fall into that abyss, when I just want to rip my arms and legs and stomach wide open red, can I just... wait? Can I choose that terrifically difficult yet powerful virtue of faith instead? Can I choose hope? Can I choose patience, and gentleness, and longsuffering?

Can I rest in the knowledge that God is greater, that God is still Good, that He is forever victorious over every sin and struggle? Can I acknowledge that peace and rest in it? Can I surrender that totally? Can I beg for mercy from Mercy Himself instead of mercilessly attacking myself? Can I ignore the screaming rage of my head and instead sit in total silence before Him?

Yes, by His Grace, I can. And I must, or my poor soul will die.

Return to Christ. He will not abandon you. I need to remember that... I need to believe that. God is not like people. Jesus will not hurt me. Jesus will not suddenly decide that I'm not worth loving anymore. Jesus does not have a cold shoulder or a hard heart. Jesus loves me and forgives me and wants me to be healed and He is waiting for me. God is Love and that cannot change, no matter how evil I fear I am, no matter how badly I feel I deserve to die. God still wants to defeat those devils and bring me home.

Just wait for Him. Even if it takes time. God hears. God knows. God is working for you right now, and He is on His way. Wait for Him. He will be here, at the perfect time.

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That single duck is what hits me about this. It’s just living, just swimming in total innocent simplicity, beneath this absolute breathtaking grandeur of snow and trees and soaring mountains.

And then there’s that tiny home, nestled in the frozen pines, built by the hands of a human who was almost definitely deeply humbled at the sight of that same natural majesty.

We have been blessed with the intelligence to feel awe, to contemplate our smallness, to be struck to the heart by beauty such as this. The duck may be blessed to live effortlessly beside it, but it cannot appreciate it as we can, we who may only get to see it in photos, and who seek and treasure such glimpses with joy.

The world is beautiful. Always take the time to truly see it, and so sincerely thank God for both it, and your blessed eyes.


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Choose your own adventure, they say. Yet I never felt I had a choice, in the way the pathway of my life progressed. Little did I realize there is always a choice, even if the options are miserable, even if hope is minimal, even if the choosing itself is uninformed and rushed and afraid and instinctive. There’s still choice.

And, well, now that I am aware of this, then I choose this. I choose recovery, I choose healing, I choose joy and light and life and hope and love. Wherever I find it, wherever I can follow its sunlit footsteps, I shall do so. I will make those tiny choices and they will add up into a march of blazing beauty that will utterly overcome every shadow that haunted my past.

The terror may be ancient, but it is still just a shade. This too shall pass, no exceptions. Love is the only truth and if it’s not love then it’s going to melt into dust and be forgotten in the waves of compassionate bliss that the universe itself radiates with every heartbeat, on and on and on. I will step into that sea of hope, I will wade into the depths of tenderness, I will walk into the very ocean with a smile on my face and let it wash away everything that held me shackled far from shore.

God’s got me in His hands. He’s calling me home. Our Lady has crushed the snake beneath her heel and Our Lord has proclaimed Himself to be the Omega as well as the Alpha and no matter what came before, this is the turning of the page, this is the renewal of my soul, this is unconditional love and eternal hope proclaiming “It Is Finished” to the sins of the past, and all the trauma and horror they brought. God hung all of those on a tree and opened the garden gate to a new life that we could never have imagined before.

I choose that. I choose love. I choose the ending, and I embrace the beginning again. I choose to come home.



"Do we not try to find good, tangible security in observances, in the reassuring feeling that, thanks to our fidelity, everything is in order in our relationship with the Lord? And when Jesus asks us one day to count on him alone, without telling us in advance what he is going to ask of us, and without explaining to us where he wants us to go, we tremble." (A Carthusian)


This hits hard. To rely so completely on the faithfulness of Christ that you no longer need "tangible proofs" to believe in His trustworthiness... that is walking by faith, not by sight-- that is the true road of the Cross. But it's a step into darkness, and that frightens us-- at least, unless we remember that we are following the Light Himself.

God is never obligated to reveal His ways or plans to us. He owes us no clarification, no explanation. Humility accepts this. Humility makes us recognize our unworthiness to know such divine things, let alone demand them. God doesn't have to tell us anything. But He does. He does comfort and guide and reassure us; He knows our weakness and He soothes us, leads us with the utmost tenderness, His little children. But children grow. And the day will come when He will suddenly step back, tell us to do something, and leave it at that. No explanation. No preparation. No understanding on our part. Will we still trust in Him, then? Will we remember how trustworthy and faithful He has always been, going forwards now with no immediate or tangible reminder of it? Will we surrender to our love for Him and walk with blindfold on, with road shrouded in fog, with shadows setting in? Will we step forward in faith alone, believing with all our heart that Our Savior will never lead us astray? That He will never abandon us, even if the new journey is long and cold and lonely? Will we hold on to faith?

It will happen. It will frighten us, as humans, as children. Deep down, we are afraid of the unknown. We are scared of the dark. But remember, dear hearts, remember that He is trustworthy and He knows where and why you are going. You can count on Him. You can count on Jesus even when, and especially when, there is no one and nothing else to rely on.

Have faith. Even if it's only a mustard seed. Plant it in love, and wait. It will grow in God's time, even if you can't see or sense anything until suddenly... it sprouts. It dies in the dark, to live in the light. So shall you.

Have faith in God, Who is real and trustworthy. Have hope in His faithfulness when we can't see it yet. Have love for God, Who IS Love, Who loves you endlessly, and Who will strengthen you for all that He leads you to... and through.

Plant faith, and trust Him, and do whatever He tells you.

 

godmechanic:

actually a little embarrassing how well the “omg surprise psalm today!” thing works

Oh man I have wept at how relevant the Compline psalms are some nights. It’s unreal.

I have the Universalis app, which I love, as it allows me to play the audio for each hour, which is indispensable when I have severe brain fog and/or poor cognition and cannot read. I always listen to Lauds & the Office of Readings as I start my day schedule, and the “surprise” at what Psalms I will hear then (and in the other variant places in the Office) is both a source of deeply interested joy, and of unfailingly edifying application to my life. God just… knows, man. Even though millions of folks are praying the exact same words, they are specially & specifically significant to each soul. It’s wonderful, even when it’s convicting. God loves us in all circumstances.

It’s not embarrassing, love; it’s genuinely heartwarming to hear that you have such experiences with it too.


 

godmechanic:

we like to forget how hard psalm 42 hits. but i am just here to remind everybody that it hits

fellas is your soul is athirst for God? athirst for the living God? have your tears have been your meat day and night? do you wonder why your soul is so full of heaviness and disquieted within you? boy do i have a psalm for you

Psalm 42 legitimately saved my life a decade ago. It’s been burned into the fibers of my heart since then. It is a beautiful, aching Psalm, a raw and sincere prayer wrenched from the very core. I love it dearly and pray it frequently; it never fails to bring tears to my eyes.


To justify my neighbor’s suffering is a scandal. “My neighbor’s suffering is beyond justification; it is, in a word, meaningless.” Referring to Levinas, Batnitzky writes, “The Jewish tradition often maintains a difficult balancing act when it affirms both the theological and ethical value of suffering for others, while denying the necessity of suffering itself.” One cannot justify suffering. Thus an end to all theodicy, and “to all attempts, theological or otherwise, to justify suffering.”

Michael Purcell, “When God Hides His Face: The Inexperience of God”, The Experience of God: A Postmodern Response, ed. Kevin Hart and Barbara E. Wall
 

(Disclaimer: I am a Catholic, and so my reflection on this is within that context. I give all grateful respect to the Jewish perspective here, as it is the notable inspiration for my response.)

This hits me where it hurts. I’ve been raised to always justify suffering, which ultimately hardens one’s heart and makes one’s hands cold– if you believe that suffering is “deserved,” you smother compassion, and do nothing to relieve that suffering. Instead you say, “it builds character,” or “you’ll learn and grow from this,” or “well you must’ve brought this on yourself,” or just “offer it up,” without making a move to comfort them or care for them or remove the suffering altogether. Yes, suffering can teach, it can help us grow in virtue, it can have redemptive merit, but not inherently. Suffering in and of itself is just suffering. It’s the result of a fallen human nature and the inevitable consequences of sin=death, but sin is unnatural and suffering is therefore unnecessary. Yet it persists, in this life. Yes, this life is not all there is, but that shouldn’t cause complacency!! We can either sit there and shrug at people’s pain, or we can stand up and refuse to let it have its way. We can fight it. We should fight it. I say this because God fights it too.

God mandates compassion. God insists we care for our fellow man and relieve their suffering. As a Christian, I think of how Jesus healed so many who were ill, how he told parables of radical love, how He never said “you get what you deserve” to a suffering soul. No. Christ came to us as a healer, as a lover, as an instrument of mercy, Who literally died on a Cross that He could never deserve in order to destroy ALL human judgment of anyone “deserving” suffering like that. He took it all. Yes, all have sinned, and so suffering exists through sin, but God alone judges, and if I may be so bold, I say that HE deems suffering as absolutely unnecessary too. Sin is unnatural, remember? He didn’t create it! He doesn’t want it! He “takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked man” (Ezekiel 18:33 & 23:11)! He wants us to have life, abundant life, in direct opposition to sin’s destructiveness (John 10:10). So Christ took every “deserved” pain onto Himself and now we must act on that grace of mercy. No one has to die or be destroyed. No one “deserves to die.” He sure didn’t. But He did die, taking the place of everyone who was ever judged as deserving it, so now we can never speak those words about anyone.

Take up your cross, yes, because suffering is inevitable in this life, but carry it knowing that through uniting it to Christ’s love, it now holds the weight of the sins of the world. When we bear our own crosses, we don’t abandon others to theirs! We’re not in this alone; Christ didn’t carry His “own” in the first place! He carried ours, so now we carry everyone’s crosses together. We are Simon and Veronica and Magdalene and Mary and Christ to each other. We live in hope of eternal life, where all pain ceases, and so until then, we reflect that hope to others as often as we can– we must manifest it. How can you hope for what you cannot comprehend? How can you yearn for relief if you don’t know it’s a possibility? We must give that hope and sustain it. We must make hope real, through real love, and real faith. Only then is suffering bearable– only then does our awareness of its meaninglessness become a strange sort of joy. Yes, it’s unnecessary. But therefore, it’s not forever, and until then, there are people acting as angels to make that truth absolutely tangible.

I hope this makes sense; it’s hard to put into proper words. But it struck me to the heart, that quote, especially as my life is saturated with suffering right now and my old ugly instinct is to just say “it’s deserved; let it be”. No. That is not God’s way. God hears the cry of the poor and lame and sick and sorrowful and hungry and frightened and lost, and when God hears HE ACTS. That is how we must live, or we are not His children. That is what we must do, or we are not disciples of Christ. We must bind up the broken, bandage the wounded, wipe away the blood and sweat and tears and spit and everything else. Compassionate works must be our only response to suffering. I don’t care what they’ve done. That’s not my concern. My job is to love.

Suffering is unnecessary, because we’ve been commanded to heal it.



"We will recognize that, whether we like it or not, what happens happens; to be upset about it is useless, and moreover deprives us of the crown of patience and shows us to be in revolt against the will of God."
- Saint Peter of Damaskos

This is a powerful truth. If we do not perpetually pray, "Thy Will be done," we will instead seek our own will, which is stunted by ignorance and corrupted by passions. Resistance to our God-given circumstances, because they don't match our plans or hopes or wants or dreams or expectations, is at its deepest root a rebellion-- however small, it is still ultimately fatal-- against God's authority and wisdom. Patience is a fruit of love, and love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. When we love God, we have the courage to say, "May it be done to me according to Your word," and whatever "it" is, we embrace it as coming from His heart out of love for us. To reject that ultimate divine motivation is to blind ourselves to the blessings He constantly showers upon us, especially in the paradox of the Cross: "The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God." (1 Corinthians 4:18) It is only through Christ's loving obedience in submitting patiently to the Cross that He was able to win our salvation; we must follow Him in that exact respect to obtain that new and eternal life. Such radical surrender to God's will in all circumstances-- that absolute relinquishment of control and even understanding-- is madness to those who live for this world alone. They have no hope of eternal joy with God, and therefore no reason to patiently endure suffering, let alone choose it for the sake of Christ. But we do, whether we "like it or not", because we're not motivated by "like", only love. And love counts it all as joy.

Some further illustrations from Scripture:

"We must not put Christ to the test... nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer... No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:9-10, 13)

"...We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5)

"The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind of the flesh is hostile to God: It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the flesh cannot please God." (Romans 8:6-8)

"I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead... [but] many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven." (Philippians 3:10-11, 18-20)

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." (James 4:7-8)

"...You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”" (James 4:14-15)

"And He said to all, “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." (Luke 9:23-24)

"For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of Him who sent me." (John 6:38)

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God... The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. " (1 Peter 4:1-3, 7)

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. " (Romans 8:28)

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit." (1 Corinthians 5:16-19)

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing... God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:1-4, 12)

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A personal expositional summary of how this slammed into me:

“…God shouts to [you] in [your] pain [as] it insists on being [heard and] attended to. [This is because pain is sanctified in the life of a faithful Christian, playing a great purpose: every instance of your suffering] fits into a pattern for good, [as God is using it to confirm you to the image of] His Son. [Therefore, take courage and know that] nothing [painful] can come into your life without your Heavenly Father’s permission, [and when] God uses [your] circumstances, their source makes no difference to Him; [their instigator, be it human or spirit,] is irrelevant. [In every distressing circumstance, without exception,] God [says,] "I will make it fit into My Plan for your life, to make you like [my Son,] Jesus Christ.” [Remember that] God used the challenges, conflicts, and circumstances of life to prepare His Son for His destiny, [so since you are a disciple of His Son, He will] do the same in [your life, towards the same blessed end. If you remember this in your fear, then] instead of trying to escape your circumstances, [you can courageously] learn from them and [so] grow stronger [in faith by more closely imitating Christ].“

This is powerfully applicable to my own current circumstances. Thank you OP, and may God bless you. 🙏


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Honestly this is a vital reminder, especially for Lent. Repentance is repeatedly mandated by Christ, yes, but it is no heavy burden-- rather, it removes those weights from our hearts! The idea of being "ordered to do something objectively beneficial" may seem totally foreign to many of us Catholics, who are used to the negative "Thou Shalt Not's" that are probably haunting us during these 40 days. But repentance is wholly good for us. It, and those commandments it encompasses, only sound scary because they sharply bring to mind all the ways in which we've failed to avoid sin. But at their very core, they are meant to heal and help us.

Nevertheless, yes, it might absolutely be terrifying to examine one's conscience, just like preparing to clean out a coal cellar for the first time in years-- the amount of filth facing you may be overwhelming. But here's the thing... you don't have to clean it. You just have to point out that dirt to Jesus, specifically and honestly, and He will immediately and absolutely purify even the most rotten corners of your soul. For free. As often as you need.

Can you imagine, calling a plumber to drain your flooded basement and unclog the festering pipes, but not an hour after he leaves, you stuff them full of garbage again? And you call him back in a panic in the middle of the night? And he comes right over and fixes it all again? With a genuine smile? And doesn't charge anything? And this happens at least once a week, if not every day?

That's the staggering magnitude of forgiveness God offers to every repentant soul. That's the Sacrament of Confession!

We forget that we can repent whenever. Literally whenever, wherever, whoever you are, whatever you've done. Yet we are afraid to call the plumber even though we already did 458 times and not once has He ever complained or hung up. We are afraid He's going to lose His temper and charge us a fortune or leave us helpless with dammed-up pipes and sewage up to our waist... we're terrified of hearing "why??" or "how??" because our shame would choke and drown us more than all the black water in the world ever could.

But it has never happened, and it will never happen, so why don't you pick up the phone and give Him a call?


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Anonymous asked,
I always wonder why god made dinosaurs and if they had a relationship to god or if animals feel god’s presence.. what do you think?

iscariotapologist:

i think god probably made dinosaurs because they were sick as hell. actually though i’m not really aware of any dinosaur….theology? theology about dinosaurs? although i would CERTAINLY like to be. i do think there are relationships between god and animals, although they are necessarily going to be different than ours.
 


I always like to think about how the first two kinds of creatures God created in Genesis are birds & fish. Birds are the avian descendants of dinosaurs, and they are technically reptiles. Genesis’s “birds” could very well be referring to dinosaurs, in that roundabout respect. Plus, jawless fish were the first vertebrates to evolve, period. So the timeframe is accurate! (Mammals showed up a day later, haha.)

I was actually just thinking today about God’s relationship to animals. While they do not have a “living soul” like a human does (Gen 1:26; 2:7), they still have life and consciousness, which are from God. I believe that, by simple virtue of existence, every created thing yearns for God and can feel Him on some level. Only humans can know God, but I hope it’s theologically legitimate to say that nevertheless animals can still sense Him.

Scripture itself references animals “sensing God” notably in Ezekiel 38:20, implies it in Psalm 145:21, and of course we have Balaam’s dear donkey in Numbers 22. If we want to stretch the interpretation, we have even the donkeys that carried Jesus Himself in Matthew 21, and the one(s?) that carried the Holy Family to and from Bethlehem when they were fleeing Herod in Matthew 2… Noah’s dove, Elijah’s ravens, Jonah’s whale, Daniel’s lions… God works through animals a lot, so they must be spiritually receptive to Him, if they are so readily responsive to His influence. (God help us to be so obedient, too!)

Furthermore, there are so many common stories of both little children and animals apparently perceiving and reacting to ‘presences’ unseen by adults, potentially angels, for all we know– plus we must include all the Christian folktales of donkeys and lambs and even spiders at the Manger, all recognizing and adoring the Christ Child. Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich even speaks of “gladness throughout all nature,” with the animals being “joyfully agitated” at both Christ’s birth and Mary’s birth. We have Saint Roche’s dog, Saint Columba’s horse, Saint Jerome’s lion, Saint Ciaran’s boar, Saint Francis’s wolf… and my arguable favorite, Saint Anthony’s mule. Just as animals fear those with malicious hearts, they respect and befriend those with loving hearts– and since God is love, I think there’s definitely something to that, in its utter simplicity. I don’t know what exactly they feel, but… they do. They know, in their own way.

I apologize for the huge response but this is a topic that’s actually quite dear to my heart, and I was moved to offer my thoughts on it, may they glorify God.

But yes, I daresay dinosaurs are objectively super cool. God has the best imagination, after all!

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lauramakabresku
:

Birds listening to God’s pulse

The heartbeat of God is music so beautiful, so rapturous, that even the very songbirds cannot help but hear its sweetness in silent awe.

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traumacatholic:

My favourite thing about the ‘Psalter and Rosary of the Virgin (from f. 27), in two versions, and other devotional texts, including a litany’ is that there’s just many pages dedicated to drops of blood. (x, x)

From the source:

“…The text begins with three pages, each painted black, on which large drops of blood trickle down. The third page has been thoroughly worn, which may be the result of kissing; part of it has been rubbed and smudged rather than merely kissed…”

That is the devotion that defines a Christian. Thanks be to God that this beautiful testament to such heartfelt adoration still exists for our edification. May the love proven through these prayerfully-kissed pages inflame our own hearts with ardor to do the same!

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When you are in pain, and frightened because you don't know what's wrong, remember that God knows what is wrong, and even if He currently withholds the answers you seek, He is with you in love. His timing and wisdom are still trustworthy. Rest in His knowledge, in solid hope, for He holds your entire situation in His caring hands. You are not lost or forgotten.

I pray that He does give you answers soon, and that until then, He comforts you in your pain, and alleviates as much of it as He wills. May He grant you deepest peace and healing! 🙏

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We all have needs that can only be met by God. That is such a key truth of life that is frequently forgotten.

And those needs aren’t strictly spiritual, either! My life crises as of late have proven to me, quite strikingly, that I have an awful amount of physical needs that I cannot meet on my own– only God can. I am helpless; He is all-powerful. I am foolish and frightened; He is Wisdom and Peace Himself. I am wracked by misery; He soothes me with mercy. I feel abandoned and alone… He loves me to all eternity. Deep down, those are my truest needs; GOD Himself is What I need to thrive. My survival needs will be met as He sees fit, if I trust Him to meet them– because, again, I cannot, and desperately trying to do so anyway will (and does) only make me more distraught and drive me to despair. However, prayerfully placing all my hopes in God, surrendering my life into His hands, and doing what I can without worrying about MY success but HIS… that gets me through. God’s Love never fails.

God knows I need this body to survive in order to serve Him here, and He will ensure that. He’s not ignorant; He “knows I am but dust.” But I am His dust, destined for redemption by the grace of Christ, and that truth is enough refuge for any new crisis. Even if I do die, it’s on His timing; and– have mercy on me a sinner– after the storms of life are over, I have an eternity in His arms to look forward to. Until then, I must live with my entire life geared towards that. “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God.” That’s what Jesus means. God will provide the needs of your journey to Him, but stay on the journey! The ultimate goal is of ultimate importance; no matter how short or difficult our journey is, it will end one day, and then it won’t matter how tough things were prior. So trust. Don’t worry. God’s got this; God’s got you.

If you are in need today, any need– poor health, emotional distress, financial fears, physical pain, future panic, anything– remember that you don’t have the ability to solve those massive problems and that is both okay and intentional. NO human can do so… because GOD CAN, and He loves us so much He wants you to ask Him for help. Like an adoring Father cares for His children, He must let us try & learn on our own in order to grow, but when we stumble and cry out, He is always there to pick us up and help us to do what we cannot do alone.

And maturing in spirit isn’t about learning to do those things alone. Spiritally, we are always going to be God’s children. We’re little! We’re weak and ignorant and helpless, like a baby is… but babies are meant to be helped and loved and cherished and if we– if only through failed struggles– admit that we are just children, God will care for us as such… otherwise we’re trying too hard to be “grown up” in ways we cannot force, and we push our Father away through proud striving and/or shame. Don’t do that. Ask Him for help. Be simple and pure of heart.

There are things we will always need God’s help for, and when you put that in the proper perspective it is an absolute joy. God is our greatest need, our ultimate goal, our Protector in every trial, and our Provider in every situation. Even when we suffer, it’s under His watchful and compassionate Eye– “a Father disciplines those He loves.” Doesn’t suffering give you a unique opportunity to cling closer than ever to Him? Doesn’t it give you “strength training” for patience, trust, hope, perseverance, courage, surrender, faith? Doesn’t it give you a testing-fire to prove the power of grace in you? Yes it is hard to be gentle, kind, joyful, temperate, meek, and even loving when we are in the throes of suffering, but it’s only hard because we’re focusing so much on the suffering, and not on God, Who gives us the grace TO embody those virtues of His! I can attest to this firsthand. Fix your focus on God. Trust in His Power to save, against all odds, despite all confusion, especially if you can’t see or imagine a way out. He can, and He will. Look at your life! Hasn’t He already brought you safely in soul to this very moment? He has never once failed you. He is utterly faithful, worthy of all our trust, and that will never change.

Today, place your trust in your Father anew. Go to Him with all your aches of heart, and put them into His open hands. Ask Him for help… then rest. Rest, dear child. God will take care of you. You will never, ever have to struggle alone. He will meet your daily needs when you cannot; He doesn’t expect or want you to try otherwise. God will provide for you and the sparrows both.

Just remember… in Him, your deepest needs are already fulfilled. And that is how we thrive.



Anonymous asked,
I just sent [you a donation]
-an atheist who doesn’t want anyone to suffer the way it sounds like you’re suffering

 

I must still say “God bless you,” in my honest gratitude for your sincere charity. The sentiment holds true, even though our beliefs differ– I hope the highest good for you, in return for your interest in mine… and I firmly believe that my God can, will, and does do that for any compassionate soul, whether or not they share my religion. You’re human; by virtue of that fact alone, you are included in that divine care.

More generally: thank you for your generous kindness. Humanity is truly illuminated by our capacity to love; in this little testament to it, you have lit up my life a little more. 🙏


I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, 
Through a belief in the Threeness, 
Through confession of the Oneness 
Of the Creator of creation.

I arise today 
Through the strength of Christ's birth and His baptism, 
Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial, 
Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension, 
Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of cherubim, 
In obedience of angels, 
In service of archangels, 
In the hope of resurrection to meet with reward, 
In the prayers of patriarchs, 
In preachings of the apostles, 
In faiths of confessors, 
In innocence of virgins, 
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven; 
Light of the sun, 
Splendor of fire, 
Speed of lightning, 
Swiftness of the wind, 
Depth of the sea, 
Stability of the earth, 
Firmness of the rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me; 
God's might to uphold me, 
God's wisdom to guide me, 
God's eye to look before me, 
God's ear to hear me, 
God's word to speak for me, 
God's hand to guard me, 
God's way to lie before me, 
God's shield to protect me, 
God's hosts to save me 
From snares of the devil, 
From temptations of vices, 
From every one who desires me ill, 
Afar and anear, 
Alone or in a mulitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and evil, 
Against every cruel merciless power that opposes my body and soul, 
Against incantations of false prophets, 
Against black laws of pagandom, 
Against false laws of heretics, 
Against craft of idolatry, 
Against spells of women and smiths and wizards, 
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul. 
Christ shield me today 
Against poison, against burning, 
Against drowning, against wounding, 
So that reward may come to me in abundance.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, 
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, 
Christ on my right, Christ on my left, 
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, 
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me, 
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me, 
Christ in the eye that sees me, 
Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, 
Through a belief in the Threeness, 
Through a confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation

St. Patrick (ca. 377)



 

 

This is forever my favorite prayer. It strikes me to the heart every time I speak it, and moves me to tears without fail.

Thank God for Saint Patrick. Thank God for his beautiful faith, and for his devotion in bringing that same faith to the people of Ireland. May he intercede for us today and always, that we too may all share in the heartfelt confession of the Oneness of the Creator of Creation, and so, through Him, be brought fully into the oneness of His Church, by the powerful grace and love of Jesus Christ, Who Is King of all nations forever. Amen. 💚🙏✝️☘
 

...However. I'm reblogging this particular instance of this beloved prayer, not only for the cleareformatting, but also because it lacks a period in the last stanza. That actually touches me deeply, even if it was an accidental omission.

That lack of a closing mark, immediately after the proclamation of the Trinity, speaks silent volumes of the infinitude of that very Creator, omnipresent and eternal, with no beginning or end. We are left with a blessedly "unfinished" prayer, refusing to conclude itself, standing forever open and thus overflowing into time beyond itself.

We confess our faith in the Creator of Creation, and though the words leave our lips, they remain in our souls. Their sound lingers in the air like music, an unresolved yet perfect chord, inviting our perpetual participation in this prayer, the secret purpose for which it was spoken in the first place.

This prayer is our breastplate, affixed to our heart always, repeated in every breath, realized in every circumstance. Christ is in all of it. He is present everywhere, always, never ending, enduring forever, and every atom of the universe confesses Him.

Don't "finish" this prayer. Let it continue through the rest of your life.



Nonetheless, Philothea, you must not rest satisfied with general desires and aspirations, but rather turn them into special resolutions for your individual correction and amendment. For instance, when you meditate upon the first of our Saviour's words from the Cross, you will assuredly feel a desire to imitate Him, to forgive and love your enemies. But that desire is worth little unless you proceed to some practical resolution, such as "I will no longer be angry at the irritating words which such a one says to me or of me; nor at the annoyance caused me by another; on the contrary, I will do and say all I can to soothe and them" - and so forth. In this way you will soon correct your faults, whereas mere desires will have but few and tardy results.

- St. Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life, Part 2: Counsels Concerning the Soul's Approach f God in Prayer and the Sacraments, Chapter 6: Third Part of Meditation - Affections and Resolutions

This is VERY edifying advice for Lent.

Desire alone will only produce dreams of possible results. Deciding on a specific goal-- something practical and achievable-- will guarantee results, with the grace of God helping you through prayer.

God wants you to be free of sin! He will assist you in doing so, but you must know and recognize where you are bound first, or your prayers will be vague and unfocused. Show Him a specific struggle you have with sin, determine your weakest spots, get a battle plan, and resolve to fight with Christian virtue!

Small steps of virtue are still significant steps. Our Lord could work miracles with but a word or a touch. You do not need to do grandiose acts for Lent in order to draw closer to Him. Resolve to let His Living Water wash away your iniquities, be it drop by drop... but direct those drops to hit your wounds. You will heal. God always gets results.

(Saint Francis de Sales words this perfectly succinctly, but my hearts was nevertheless moved to elaborate from personal experience, for I too desperately need this advice. All thanks be to God!)



"Today, I shall do an act of charity for a poor or suffering person, even if I have to go out of my way to do it."

This is a beautiful challenge of charity.

Let us all keep our eyes, ears, hearts, and hands open today-- and through all of Lent-- for opportunities to help those in need, whatever that need may be, whoever may need it. Let us pray for the grace & discernment to act in compassion when God leads us to such an opportunity, not out of moral obligation or self-righteousness, but out of tender mercy and genuine love for our fellow man. Let us act in charity because we cannot help but do so. May the love that Christ had-- and forever has-- for the poor & needy overflow from our hearts today and always!




Bartolomé Esteban Murillo, Man of Sorrows (detail), 17th century

You can see the sorrow in His face, here– in the downturned humility of His gaze, in the slight but notable curve of His eyebrows, in the dark lines below His eyes… in His quiet mouth, like a Lamb led to slaughter.

A single thorn draws a bead of brilliant Blood from His forehead. The wretched crown wreathes His hair like a halo.

By His Wounds, we have been healed– but oh, so too by His sorrows, we have been comforted! What blessed, tragic paradox! What agonies our Lord endured for our sake!

God became a man, a man of sorrows, so that we, in our own miseries, would never suffer alone. We would, forever, have an Advocate of empathy, a Lord Who had bled and wept and feared just like us. Christ knows our pain.

Let your aching heart take refuge in Him.

 

akosuaa: I don’t want to be lukewarm loved

 slain-in-the-spirit: Imagine how God feels.

thatetherealgirl: This hit me.

363ci: Revelation 3:16 = So because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

Yea this hits right now too.

 

Lukewarm “love” isn’t worthy of the name, when the heart of Love Himself is on fire.

God’s heart burns with love for us. When that hits us, it cannot help but spark a similar flame in our own hearts, however small it may start.

Feed that flame of love! Do not let it fizzle out or fade! Work it into a blazing ardor through acts of devotion and prayer. Start small, for your fire is yet a candle-light, but it will increase with every ounce of charity-fuel you put into it. Prayer gives you that fuel through grace. Without it, we’re helpless– we have no means to kindle a divine spark ourselves! But if God gives it, He will protect it. Pray for this!

During these 40 days of Lent, a spiritual desert whose nights bring terrible coldness & dark, set your eyes firmly on the heart of Christ, aflame with love for you– for you!!– and let that burning truth fill your own heart with zeal, pressing on towards the Cross, where that divine Love was proved… and is proven still.

Your cross, too, proves the heat of your love for God. Carry it! It us bringing you to Him!

 


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Catholicism is inherently “weird & creepy” with “crazy ideas” according to the world; yes, we may affectionately and humorously use those terms for ourselves, but in truth we must also realize the bitter judgment behind them externally. It pains my heart to hear such comments because it implies the commenter only sees those qualities in our faith, not the beauty & mercy & love. We must pray sincerely for those people; their hearts are closed through misunderstanding, fear, or hatred, and Christ longs for their hearts to soften, repent, and return home to Him too.

Nevertheless, I am humbly grateful to be weird, creepy, & crazy, if that is how my relationship with Christ and His Church is perceived by the yet-unfaithful. It is a small yet significant joy & honor to see so many of us proclaiming the same.



“Yet even now,” declares the LORD, “return to Me with all your heart, with fasting, weeping, and mourning.”
Joel 2:12 BSB

To "break down the barriers separating your heart from God"-- to truly rend your heart-- you must first identify those barriers, those places so hardened and stiff they must be rent asunder lest you perish. It's tragically easy to find those spots-- whenever you feel resistance to His presence & input in a situation, whenever you feel unwilling or unable to pray, whenever you cannot hear His Voice or even remember what it sounds like-- all these frightening instances are barriers between your heart and His. They need to be removed-- destroyed completely, reduced to dust & ashes, beyond rebuilding-- but we have no strength to do that alone! All we can do is beg for help; all we can do is seek Him out, with feeble fervor if we must, but seek Him we must. When you cannot "pray," you can still cry to Him without words. When you cannot hear, you can still read Scripture. And when you feel that awful resistance, that is your greatest opportunity-- you can then show God EXACTLY where that obstacle is, and with hopeful trust, plead Him to remove it by His merciful grace. Then you must let Him work. You need only stand with Him and watch Him.

Over and over, moment to moment, breath by breath, you must constantly refocus on God. You must let Him into your broken heart, so He can remake it in His liking. The demolition is a rebirth. We fast from the world to feed upon Him. We weep for our sins to be grateful for His mercy. We mourn for Him Who died for us, because of us, so that we may feel the joy of the salvation His Blood bought for us.

When you let Him remove the chains shackling your soul to the secular world, you become free to embrace Him. Even if your wrists are bloodied and bruised, His pains to free you were greater, and you can take comfort in knowing that no amount of damage your soul or body may bear will ever deter Him from pulling you close. He is the Divine Physician; when He sees your wounds, He will kiss them to healing. Thus you must admit you have them, uncover them, offer them up to the divine scalpel and sutures if need be. Yes, the process is painful, but it is essential for life. Pain does not mean death, not if it is acted upon; it is only an alert that something needs to be rectified... and as you progress in penance, you shall find that what was once seen as suffering to the flesh is now sweet to your soul.

The call to penance is not a call to separation. In the very midst of our mortification, we are drawing closer to Christ. We are returning to the One Who loves us. We are coming home.

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HAPPY FORGIVENESS SUNDAY!

I’m not Orthodox, but the entire concept & celebration of Forgiveness Sunday is both deeply humbling and deeply beautiful.

Ask for forgiveness from God, ask for forgiveness from your neighbor– and then offer forgiveness to your neighbor in return, as we have received forgiveness from God.

Lent is all about forgiveness, mercy, & repentance. It’s a time to grow closer to God and act more like Christ, by loving & serving God and His people, and turning away from all sin, which harms those relationships.

Let us all look forward in hope to this time of penitence, for it is a time of restoration, and at the end of this desert road– by the way of the Cross– new life awaits us; life in the Lord!

Happy Forgiveness Sunday indeed! 🙏❤

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This statement is not wrong, but it is not completely right, either. It is a basic observation from a genuinely religious people, who are simply unaware of the transcendent nature of that other religion's building.

Let me begin by correctly affirming the implication here of divinity within nature:

"The entire material universe speaks of God’s love, His boundless affection for us. Soil, water, mountains: everything is, as it were, a caress of God... God has written a precious book, “whose letters are the multitude of created things present in the universe,” [and] no creature is excluded from this manifestation of God." (Pope Francis)

God absolutely speaks to all people through nature; the created world is our most direct and immediately universal revelation of the beauty of the Creator. "Natural religion" is called that for a reason; it is an instinctive response to the divinity we see reflected in the blessed earth around us. Some cultures stop there, and worship nature itself-- not realizing that nature is our sister, not our mother (as Saint Francis beautifully penned). Some cultures do imagine "gods" in control of nature, but they are not creators, not of the very hearts of things; nor do they satisfy the even deeper human desire for something greater-- something we can know and touch, here, to tell us vividly of God, of the Heart of beauty itself.

Honestly? I say we still miss the Garden. We still dream of Paradise, after being cast out from it. Our "wanting more" was misplaced, as we already had everything... everything except loss. So we lost everything, and now we ache to return, not because it was lovely, but because of why it was lovely... because of Who created it and us.

That is the deeper point. For the Christian-- and especially Catholic-- soul, there is a recognition and explanation of the innately longed-for depth beyond the surface sparkle:

"When we immerse ourselves in the beauty of nature and be attentive to what is going on in our soul, we find that we have a longing for even greater beauty. No one ever said, “That sunset was all I ever wanted to see.” We always want one that’s a little brighter, a little longer, a little more picturesque. The beauty in nature awakens in us the desire for Infinite Beauty, Jesus Christ Himself." (Christian Williams)

And THAT is where the "building" comes in. It is not 'necessary' for worship, or for prayer, or for talking and listening to God. Nature is, indeed, a wonderful place for all those things. But nature has not been specifically instituted by God as a memorial of His Saving Sacrifice, as a specific and sacred spot of spacetime where He can still be with us physically. God is there in nature, yes, but not literally so. You can only touch God through the hands of a priest, and such a staggering miracle both deserves and demands a particular place to occur, something "set apart" from even the beauty of the natural world, which-- although inherently good-- can easily get tangled up in pagan pantheism, and whose greatest beauty pales spectacularly in the Presence of Christ.

We go inside a building to talk to God because He is literally there. We built Him a house we can visit Him in, like a friend, like a lover-- a place uniquely His own, built by His family on earth, something tenderly human and beloved even in its flaws. A church is not a sunset, but oh, once you have met the Lord there, you would gladly give up ever seeing another sunset, if it meant you could stay with Him instead, and taste Heaven on earth.

You will never have to hunger for Paradise again.

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‘Eve After the Fall’. Auguste Rodin. 1886.

This is terribly powerful in its simplicity.

Consider: this is the first woman. The very first! She was created pure, joyful, as simple and guileless as a child. She had no shame, no guilt, no fear. She walked with God in Paradise, and the very concept of suffering– of sin & evil– was alien to her.

However… yes, she was pure, but she was not perfect. She was still fallible– she had free will, and the possibility of choosing wrongly was an inherent risk of that liberty.

Satan knew this.

One day, as Eve was admiring the one tree she was forbidden to eat from, a strange serpent slithered into her sight and hissed the first human temptation– mistrust in God.

“Did God really say that…?”

Eve’s faith was not perfect. Some key part of her heart was not fixed on her Lord. She doubted, she desired, she took the fruit that was not hers to take… and suddenly, she knew.

She knew she had sinned.

And look at her now! Look, at this first woman, this poor young child of God, once a stranger to death but now she has tasted it firsthand. Look at what that knowledge has done to her. Her legs are crossed in shameful self-awareness, one foot held back and hesitant, betraying her new inner instability. She has one arm wrapped tightly around her chest in a gesture of unquestionable distress, hiding not only her breasts but also her heart: two parts of her body once innocent, now tainted by the suggestions of sin. Her other arm speaks volumes. It is crossed over the other, closing her body language totally, but the hand is raised– feebly, not to shield from a blow but to deter all contact, all comfort. Don’t look at me, it says. Don’t touch me. Her guilt is too great. She turns her head away, but does not bury it completely; she has not fallen entirely into self-pity. Perhaps she is holding on to hope, to the only light she has left within reach– “her offspring will attack the serpent’s head.” Somewhere in the future, her now-miserable body will once again cooperate with God’s will, and then– oh, so soon, she prays– evil will be crushed. Perhaps then she could return to Paradise, to her Lord, and leave behind this terrible curse.

Until then, here she stands… fallen, but not forgotten.


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I apologize for not posting anything specifically about Lent. I know it's tomorrow. I've been thinking about it constantly. But I've also been very sick, in and out of the ER, and that suffering is eating up my focus as well. I feel like a wreck of a Christian, struggling so much just with everyday living. I don't know what else I can give up, other than my fears and anxieties, so that is my goal. I will pray more, and panic less, and be merciful to myself and others, and hold tightly to my hope in God, and a life with Him after this. Lent means so much to me. I am grateful it is here, even if I am weaker and more pitiful spiritually than ever. God have mercy on me during this penitential season. I pray that this time heals my poor soul.

May Our Lord bless you all this Lent. May your devotion bring you ever closer to the Heart of Christ.

 


prismaticbleed: (angel)
2022-02-27 11:19 pm

tumblr faithposting: february 2022




Devotion to the side wound of Christ, touchingly evidenced in my local Basilica.

(When I saw this I WEPT.)

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Nothing is unexpected to God; He knows and guides all things.
I cannot control anything, but God is in control of the universe itself.
Do not be anxious! Trust Him! Pray when you are worried; do not despair. He will bring all things to a perfect end according to His Good Will... and nothing can stop or hinder His purposes.

Take profound comfort in that.



Lord, I trust You. Forgive my worrying and obsessing. I surrender everything into Your loving, wise, and prudent care. Lead me in Your grace to seek only You, and desire only You. Amen.



"If I say hard things, it is not because I do not love you. I write as I do, because I desire your salvation. He is your best friend who tells you the most truth. Truth must be spoken, however condemning it might be."
-J.C. Ryle


Remember this-- true love, and a true friend, will always tell you the truth, or they themselves cannot be considered true. Truth does not lie, or hide, or omit, or alter, or pander, or hate, or disparage. Since truth is of God, and God is love, the two are inherently interconnected.
Yes, the truth may be condemning, but then you are in a position to recieve mercy, and to change your now terribly aware heart, which has been so brought into the light-- the light of Truth, which cannot help but illuminate all it touches.
Speak the truth, always-- but remember, if not spoken with love, even basic facts are tainted. True honesty is pure and clear, and seeks only to accomplish what is equally so.
Look at the Gospels. Christ, the Truth Himself, spoke truly to all-- but it was indeed a condemning truth to many! Yet it was always spoken with love, love for those misguided and lost souls, love that shone its light on them to lead the way back home. Christ, Who is God, desires that all men be saved... yet, if they reject the truth, they cannot be, of their own choice.
In today's culture, it is difficult to speak the truth without facing great opposition, even hostility. Do not fear. Truth must be spoken, for the sake of truth-- for the sake of love; the sake of God.

 




 

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi (2008) dir. Aditya Chopra
This is so pure and sweet; it gives me real joy to see such dialogue in a film.
This is marriage, as God intended it-- this unexpected yet beautiful falling in love with one another, over and over again. After all, every day, you learn more about their heart and mind and soul, you become more familiar with their words and moods and actions… every day, there is something new to deepen and enrich your love. That is marriage. Yes, even with the tough times and rough edges, that is marriage, that is love, outlasting and seeing beyond it all– because those difficulties are not inherent, they are not permanent; what lasts is eternal and inviolable– your hearts and souls, your love, your marriage covenant. And that is how God loves each and every one of us, too. You are called to be a sacred, living icon of that divine ardor to the world. Rejoice in that. Fireworks!


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When you cannot sleep from sickness, and keep having nightmares... remember that God knows every sparrow’s fall– He holds You in His hands despite all nightmares that shake you, despite all sickness that torments you. God cares for you, most deeply and truly, especially in your illness– and right now, you share, however briefly and minutely, in the Cross of Christ. There is hidden blessing in this; embrace it with prayer, give Him your pain and fear and distress. He carries it with you. It will not last forever, take heart. There is sweet mercy even now. With Christ, there is a resurrection after every cross.

I say a prayer every night in the form if an old hymn, as I find it deeply beautiful, and it goes like this:

“Before the fading of light, we pray you, O Creator of the universe, with your accustomed mercy, to be [our] protector and guardian.
May our hearts dream of you; may they perceive you in sleep. And, with the approach of light, may they always celebrate your glory.
Grant us a wholesome life; restore our ardour. May your brilliance light up the over-powering darkness of the night.
Grant this, Almighty Father, through the Lord Jesus Christ, Who reigns with you for ever with the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

I hope you find some comfort in it, too. 🙏❤













prismaticbleed: (angel)
2022-01-04 12:40 am

jan 2022 faithposting


“Oh my God, forgive what I had been, correct what I am, and direct what I will be.”

— St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

This is a beautifully brief yet powerful prayer. To plead these few words with ardent sincerity– how many other petitions it encompasses! What soft humility, what soaring hope it enkindles! This little prayer is a jewel to always carry in our hearts, letting the light of God sparkle within its many facets, so that our souls may shine ever more sweetly with His grace.

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"While he was still a long way off..." (luke 15:20)

This verse staggers me. God our Father is watching for our return, with all yearning love, even when we are that far away, and He runs to meet us even there. And He kisses us!! The unfathomable love of that melts my heart every time.

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"Why love what you will lose?
There is nothing else to love."

Louise Glück, Poems 1962-2012

 

Only on this side of eternity, beloved.

This quote is powerfully true, but it is not complete. There is one thing we cannot lose, and ironically, marvellously, that thing is love itself– that is God.

Think upon that paradox. Yes, in this life, we will ‘lose’ everything and everyone we love. But one day we, too, will be 'lost’ to inevitable death, and then what? Oh, then what? If we all go on, shall we not meet again, in the very bosom of the love that breathed us into being?

Do not fear loss. In the end, at the very end, nothing loved is ever truly lost. In the end, love remains, forever. That is the “something else” hidden at the very center of all passing precious things.

So love, love always, love recklessly, love because every created thing is fragile and temporary and yet at its heart it is so beautifully, joyously eternal.