1214 SAT
Anxi is capable of a loop bypass = orange level plugin + heartstar connection
this is MONUMENTAL and totally unprecedented.
also a little frightening because apparently the "color-level" thing is still legit. not surprising (we're all about color) but it means we have to dig up a lot of scary history that we tried to shove under the rug as "nonsense." when will we learn that literally nothing up here is nonsense? it all matters, it all means something
in any case there is also so much relief and joy i could cry. this is BYPASS potential. anxi could literally do what every Core has dreamed of doing and was never able to, and that is evade the hackers. god if only infi were around to know this. ...maybe this is step one in allowing hir to come back. ze can't unless it's safe. this might just be the first real light on that horizon.
still. no idea if, or how, this would apply to others, as only anxi has the plugin capacity. but it's worth thinking about.

1215 SUN
our dragon phagophoni is STILL around eating breakfast. still positive, no trauma? thank God. also no name yet
Briefly tried talking to her; at one point someone asked about her appearance being like Spine & Wreckage? draconic. and she said "Spine is my SISTER" = both are strongly tied to the body in a direct sense??
Still no sign of Spine post-CNC though. Lynne still heartbroken over this of course. But we talked about this at TBHU-- there IS hope, just like there's hope for Infi, and several others who died back then. As we heal and remember, we will need them again, and be able to sustain them again. Remember it can and has taken years for foni to resurrect before. And yet they do come back. Just hold on to hope.

Homily at mass = ALL ABOUT HOPE go figure. no such thing as a coincidence
"FIND it" and "LIVE it" = determined "search it out in the darkness" because it IS always there
really love and identify with that statement-- that hope must be FOUGHT for. it isn't passive or timid or wishful thinking. it's a battle and it's courageous and it's committed and it doesn't give up. hope DECIDES to exist, paradoxically. it sees everything allegedly opposing it and it says, so what? hope has crazy power because it is anchored into faith, meaning that it transcends the apparent and locks in to something only the heart can rightly perceive-- that the heart trusts and knows despite everything. hope is mad strong. hope is uncrushable. hope is that "thing with feathers" that never ever stops singing. hope is the soul of every core in this System.

1216 MON
religious anxiety hitting hard. thinking of anxi in relation to this = "how is she trying to protect me?"
answer from someone faceless= "I'M SCARED OF 'LOVE'" (TRAUMA) (e.g. "the q thing") (also wow to THAT being the IMMEDIATE thought when they said they were scared. why was that incident SO TERRIFYING. did we write about it? it STILL haunts us)
btw we need to talk about how violently aroace we still are. emphasis on the violence. why are we so damn aggressive about this?? it's a kneejerk response but it's frighteningly brutal. i'm sure that's protective too; it's the only time the "fight" response kicks in unfailingly.
like, if we see something "romantic" while scrolling online someone will immediately flip them off and swear at them threateningly. "that's f*cking disgusting", "f*ck off or i'll k*ll you," etc. like legit DANGEROUS RAGE. "destroy it before it destroys us" seems to be the instinct. all the alarm bells go off at once and someone apparently just picks up a missile launcher to deal with it.

1217 TUE
"Gatekeeper" girl + "Commentary" girl both very loud & active this morning
Apparently Xenophon likes salty/ sweet/ "bitey" things as far as food goes. she very much dislikes soft foods.
^also HE "can't love Anxi?" this is upsetting but it makes sense because Jay is not straight at all and his vibe clashes with hers as well.

"Love is VULNERABLE, ACCESSIBLE, & AVAILABLE"

1218 WED
Our "food dragon" phagofoni's name is PHAEDRA (and yes she's a basic phago; not a trogo because she's not specific? it seems she can eat multiple things & be okay with it)
The "friar" thriskefoni's name is FRANCESCO (a rare non-traumatized one! he's in the BROWN huespace probably because he's so tied to the physical act of praying; browns are very tied to the body. however he doesn't seem to be a somafoni?? he feels like he might exist in midspace. we need a proper term for these folks). He is NOT on the same level as FEILIX?? who is our "AUDIO PRAYING" guy and who is actually faceless as of yet.

1220 FRI
KOINOFONI (SOCIALS) "DON'T BELIEVE IN HEAVEN" because they have NO EXPERIENCE OF LOVE
Gatekeeper girl protesting against fronters: "THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB"

Later, while eating = Jesus cross figure always falling over
Upset me, "It feels like the slightest little things will knock you right over"
Reply "That's the same thing that happens to you"
Why does it fall? Because it's "too heavy" for the foundation. but WHY? Because the CROSS is heavy.
Jesus said "I don't hate you for falling it just breaks my heart"

SUM UP THE WEEK:
Discharged from inpatient facility on Wednesday. Realizing on the drive home that outside the hospital reality was a lot more scary & difficult than we expected. Trying to readjust but struggling with legal issues that had built up during inpatient & the neverending tornado of family stress. Trying to focus on SYSTEM LOVE. Spent two sleepless nights feeling it more strongly than I have in months. Decorating the apartment. Adjusting to new diet. Struggling with crushing depression & intense fear.

LIST YOUR RECOVERY WINS HERE:
● ATE CRAB & CRAYFISH & SASHIMI & MARSHMALLOWS & LYCHEES & SUSHI!
● Still making sure we eat all our meals
● Spending time with mom & not being whiny or looking to escape
● JOURNALING BEGINS!

What are you most proud of yourself for this week? What situation did you handle well?
We went out for chinese food with mom & her boyfriend and WE DIDN'T LIMIT OURSELF OR PURGE. It was genuinely an enjoyable yet still challenging experience. We're also proud that we're still soldiering on in doggedly determined hope despite the very scary life situation. We're striving to improve every day & be patient in the waiting & work inbetween.

Which of your goals did you achieve? How did it benefit you?
We started running! We DID help mom up the house! We DID cut down on meal volume & stopped forcing foods that make us sick. We DID start to redecorate the apartment. And although we haven't bought Inside Out 2 yet we watched SO MUCH OF IT ON YOUTUBE. That LIT UP OUR HEART. So we're striving to keep good things in our life.

What could you do to make next week better?
● START BIKING & LIFTING WEIGHTS & DOING AB EXERCISES. We NEED to get our muscles back!
● LESS TIME ON THE PHONE. It's making us SO DEPRESSED.
● Read Scripture daily & do what you can to pray more & go to mass WITHOUT BEING SCRUPULOUS. Worship with LOVE, not forcing!
● DO LEAGUEWORK of ANY SORT. Just PLEASE GET BACK INTO IT!
● START ARCHIVING THE TBHU PAPERS & JOURNALS.
● SPEND MORE DAYTIME UPSTAIRS/ TALKING WITH THE SYSTEM. The REASON you've been SO DEPRESSED is because you've been DOING IT ALONE.

Rate how you found eating your meals & snacks every day. How could you make this easier next week?
2 / 5
PANIC HAS ALREADY SET IN over "what's right or wrong" now that we're not "just obeying orders." DON'T OVERCOMPLICATE IT!! Find what WORKS, that you LIKE, and STICK TO IT! NO LUXURIES/ NOVELTIES or "OBLIGATORY" BUYS. NO AFTERBITES! And DRINK WATER! ENJOY your meals!

Rate how you dealt with compensatory behaviors like purging or exercising this week. How could you make this easier next week?
1 / 5
We purged TWICE and threw out food ONCE, both due to PANIC & POOR SELF-CARE (hungry, tired). We also SLASHED our calories, which isn't bad EXCEPT that we're starting to obsess. We "ran" two miles EACH WAY with daily travel and if we're gonna BULK UP, we NEED to KEEP EATING. So DON'T DROP ANY LOWER. And KEEP IT ALL DOWN!!!

Average mood this week:
3 / 5

Average sleep quality this week:
1 / 5

Average anxiety level this week:
4.5 / 5

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TOP THREE THINGS I DID THIS WEEK:
1. DISCHARGED AT LAST
2. CHINESE with MOM & HER BF
3. Put ALL the TBHU notes from peers ON THE WALL

THIS WEEK I FELT:
HAPPY
NUMB
TEARFUL
SAD
TIRED
IN LOVE
WORRIED
SCARED
PLAYFUL
(ALL OVER THE PLACE)

MOST REWARDING INTERACTIONS I HAD THIS WEEK:
★ The last 48 hours on the unit, getting to hug virtually everyone & hearing their kind words of encouragement AND GRATITUDE for me.
★ FR. P'S FACE when he saw me + he HUGGED me too!
★ CHAOS 0, ANXIETY, & MIMIC ALL SETTING MY HEART ON FIRE
★ ANXI FRONTING to look at the moon in the rain
★ GENESIS GHOSTING

NEXT WEEK I WANT TO:
● BE GENUINELY HAPPY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES. TAP INTO YOUR JOY.
● START WORKING OUT, even just with the phone app exercises & dumbbell
● DRAW SOMETHING. PLAY SOME MUSIC. WRITE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.
● Get our diet plan STREAMLINED in prep/ nutrition/ ingredients = CUT STRESS

THINGS I ACCOMPLISHED THIS WEEK:
● WENT BACK TO CHURCH
● Started loveposting again
● WROTE A JOURNAL ENTRY
● Saw ALL MY SIBLINGS
● LONGWOOD + PHILHARMONIC TICKETS FOR DECEMBER!
● STARTING TO RECONNECT WITH THE LEAGUE!

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WEEK?
The night of 1115, when we listened to Die With A Smile for HOURS and I was SO IN LOVE. I felt PURELY ALIVE & REAL. (CHAOS 0 AND ANXI SINGING IT TO ME TOGETHER ♥♥♥)

MY RANKING OF THE WEEK:
4 / 5

("mental flexibility" workbook pages from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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List 11 of your favorite sounds.
1. Cello
2. Handbells
3. Rain at night
4. Cathedral acoustics
5. Latin/ Russian choir
6. Tiny jingle bells
7. Snowfall
8. That RUN in Milliontown
9. The opening to Black Light Machine
10. The Marywood music rooms
11. NiER Gestalt menu sounds

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"How do you get to know yourself?"
ASK EACH DAY, "WHAT AM I LEARNING ABOUT MY: INTERESTS? STRENGTHS? WEAKNESSES PREFERENCES? CAPABILITIES? LIMITS? BELIEFS? FEARS? HOPES? etc." Be OPEN AND CURIOUS about your life and existence, inner and outer, in every moment.

"What does it mean to get to know yourself?"
It means DISCOVERING the DEPTHS & DETAILS of your OWN UNIQUE LIFE & PERSONALITY, as DISTINCT FROM OTHERS. It means EXPLORATION, SEARCHING, TESTING, FEELING, & LOVING OPENNESS TO LISTEN & TRUST THIS. You HAVE to ASK QUESTIONS & HAVE CONVERSATIONS with yourself, AS SOMEONE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW-- AND LOVE.

"How can getting to know yourself be of benefit"?
You will be able to live FULLY and AS A WHOLE PERSON. You will recognize your DISTINCT IDENTITY. You can SET PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. You can DISCOVER your OWN GIFTS & TALENTS & PURSUE them in the ways that RESONATE with YOUR SOUL. You can LIKE yourself AS yourself, and HONOR that. You will be ABLE to have REAL relationships with others!

"What's the opposite of getting to know yourself?"
DENIAL, PEOPLE-PLEASING, FORCED BEHAVIOR, CODEPENDENCY, SELF-DISTRUST, DISSOCIATION, LACK OF CHARACTER, LOSS OF PURPOSE, EMPTINESS, AIMLESSNESS, INSINCERITY, UNABLE TO SEE YOURSELF AS SEPARATE FROM OTHERS, AFRAID TO TRULY EXIST.


"List and describe some ways you can learn more about yourself."
REGULAR XANGA SESSIONS. DAILY HEADSPACE COMMUNICATION & NIGHTLY HEADSPACE MEDITATIONS. SPOTIFY SESSIONS WITH THE COREGROUP, WITH AS MANY PEOPLE SINGING AS POSSIBLE. NIGHTLY JOURNAL ENTRIES & DAILY NOTES ON EVERY NOTABLE EVENT WITHOUT EXCEPTION. PICREW. TUMBLR RESONANCE POSTING. PERSONALITY SURVEYS. REVIEWING THE ARCHIVES REGULARLY. DAILY LEAGUEWORK. DAILY MASS & HONEST PRAYER. ADORATION HOURS. LEAGUEWALKING AT NIGHT. EXPLORING NEW HOBBIES & INTERESTS. LEARNING TO SAY BOTH "YES" & "NO" WITH CLARITY. READING SCRIPTURE & THE CATECHISM. TIME WITH FAMILY & REAL FRIENDS.

"How do you not get to know yourself?"
NOT TAKING TIME FOR SELF-ANALYSIS & SELF-REFLECTION. IGNORING EMOTIONS. DENYING/ HIDING THE SYSTEM. NOT PRAYING. ISOLATING. NOT GOING UPSTAIRS OR INSIDE. DESTROYING YOUR BELONGINGS. RUNNING FROM THE PAST. NOT TRYING NEW THINGS. NOT JOURNALING. NOT DOING ANYTHING CREATIVE. DENYING YOUR LIKES/ DISLIKES/ VIBE. LIVING TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE. NOT SAYING "NO." NOT BEING WITH THE ONES YOU LOVE. REFUSING TO ENJOY LIFE AT ALL. ISOLATING FROM OTHERS. CONFORMING MYSELF TO OTHERS. FOCUSING ONLY ON THE PHYSICAL WORLD. FORGETTING THAT YOU'RE A CHILD OF GOD AND A CORE!!!

✳ YOUR HEART HAS A PERMANENT CORE OF:
● FAITH
● LOVE
● CREATIVITY
● PLURALITY
IF YOU DENY/ IGNORE ANY OF THOSE TRUTHS, YOUR SOUL WILL DIE. YOU KNOW THIS. IN ORDER TO BE YOUR TRUE SELF, YOU MUST USE YOUR CREATIVE GIFTS ZEALOUSLY & LIBERALLY, YOU MUST PRAY & WORSHIP, YOU MUST LIVE AS THE SYSTEM CORE AND YOU MUST BE IN LOVE. (and you ARE!)

✳ your BIGGEST obstacle? NOT YET "KNOWING" YOUR OWN FACE AND NAME. You NEED to OWN BOTH the "BODY NAME" AND THE "SOUL NAME." AND YOU NEED TO DRAW YOURSELF IN A WAY THAT FINALLY EMBRACES THE BODY GOD GAVE TO YOUR SOUL, AND ANCHOR INTO THAT VISIBLE FORM INSIDE!!

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"How can you better plan your days for success?"
Focus on VALUES & PRIORITIES. Schedule in activities FOR character building & creative work. Focus on GOD/ GIFTS and RECOVERY LIVING! And it's a FLEXIBLE schedule. As long as I GET TO MASS, exercise ≥1 hour, and do BOTH League AND System work, I'M GOLD. Everything flows with given time. DON'T GET RIGID OR LAZY. Live with PURPOSE! You will be ACCOMPLISHED AND ALIVE!

✳ Ideally, MORNINGS are all about WORSHIP & PRAYER; EVEN EXERCISE MUST BE IN PRAISE TO GOD! START THE DAY RIGHT WITH THE LORD!!
✳ EVENINGS are all about CREATIVE WORK. NO EXCEPTIONS. (MAY PUSH EARLIER AS NIGHTS GET LONGER? WE NEED DAYLIGHT TO WORK!)
✳ FOCUS ON STORY BUILDING, ESPECIALLY PLOT, CHARACTER PERSONALITY/ DESIGN, & ROUGH DRAFTS-- even if they don't end up being canon at ALL. STILL, WRITE!!

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"What are some foods that make you feel good?"
Fresh, watery vegetables/ Crunchy sweet carrots & apples/ Light, cool, crisp foods?/ COLORFUL foods/ Fresh fish?/ Lettuce RIGHT OUTTA THE DIRT/ Fresh, wholegrain bread?

"What are some activities that make you feel good?"
Being outside and joyfully wondering at nature, freely imaginative Leaguework, playing music, high-intensity workouts, exhausting but productive outside work (with nature), singing? Running, hiking, maybe sports/ dancing? STRETCHING. Taking care of others. Doing small but solid acts of kindness.

"What are the things in your life that build you up?"
Church/ Adoration, Scripture, the encouraging & honest words of others, seeing the good creative works I HAVE accomplished, reading our archives & seeing our LOVE & HOPE & PROGRESS, feeling valued by my family and church, hearing that my creative gifts HAVE inspired & edified others

"What are some other ways you can add positive influences to your life?"
COLLECT inspiring/ edifying images, songs, quotes, etc. Watch uplifting & beautiful films? Connect with a CREATIVE COMMUNITY that is HONORABLE & JOYFUL. GET INVOLVED IN THE LOCAL CHURCH COMMUNITY. Take time daily to DO WHAT YOU LOVE, and spend time with the COREGROUP. Make good Christian friends and do good things TOGETHER? WATCH homilies/ lectures with messages of Godly integrity

"List some inspiring and fruitful ingredients to add to your life."
FAITH, PIETY, JOY, HOPE, COURAGE, GRATITUDE, WONDER, ZEAL, INTEGRITY, DETERMINATION, COMPASSION, WISDOM, INDUSTRIOUSNESS, PATIENCE, DEDICATION, SINCERITY, INSPIRATION, PURPOSE, TEMPERANCE, PEACE, INSIGHT, CLARITY, LOVE, TRUTH, BEAUTY, GOODNESS, and GOOD HARD WORK!

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"Write down everything you want to let go of."
CNC/ SLC
BULIMIA/ ANOREXIA
"MAKING MYSELF SMALL"
GUILT/ SHAME OVER SEXUAL TRAUMA
NEVER ASSERTING MY BOUNDARIES
FOOD OBSESSION
BITTERNESS
FEELING USELESS
SELF-DOUBT
UNRESOLVED RAGE & GRIEF
CHILDHOOD WOUNDS
COMPULSIVE MIMICKING
"I'M A BAD PERSON"

"What will happen when you let go?"
There WILL be a "space" left, that I CAN FINALLY fill with GRATITUDE & PEACE? I will be FREED from COMPULSIVE RE-LIVING/ LOOPS? I CAN BE MY OWN PERSON. I will be able to MOVE INTO a SPACE OF HOPE, MERCY, AND HEALING. I can "BE A GOOD PERSON" (UNSHACKLED)

"Why do you want to let go?"
It's IMPRISONING ME in MERCILESS, LIFE-DESTROYING NEGATIVITY. It's IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO GOD'S GOOD & LOVING WILL/ PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE! I CANNOT MOVE FORWARDS & LIVE VIRTUOUSLY IF I KEEP "IDENTIFYING WITH" NEGATIVE THINGS.

"What happens to the things you let go?"
They lose their power over me, AND they are ALSO freed from the negative prison MY "holding on" was trapping THEM in, too. LETTING GO makes ROOM for REDEMPTION & RECOVERY.

"Why do we hold on to things that we should probably let go of?"
They DO affect our history/ identity POWERFULLY, and the wounds can go so deep they feel like they REDEFINE us. We fear losing our IDENTITY in some way if we let go. But it's ONLY because we FORGOT WHO WE TRULY ARE, apart from those things.
✳ HOLDING ON to HURTFUL THINGS makes our hands BLEED when we try to grasp ANYTHING ELSE?? To LET GO, we HAVE to "PULL OUT THE THORNS" ENTIRELY.


"Now write down everything you want to hold on to."
(BREAK THE SHACKLES AND WEAR THE GOLD)
THE SYSTEM
THE LEAGUE
HOPE
MY FAITH
"CHILD OF GOD"
MY FAMILY
MUSIC
CHILDHOOD JOYS
CHILDLIKE WONDER
ZEST FOR LIFE
SENSE OF ADVENTURE
"YOU INSPIRE ME"
"I LOVE YOUR WORK"

"What aspects of your life do you want to maintain?"
ground in/ maintain MY VALUES =
(UNSHAKEABLE JOY, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, INTELLIGENT FAITH, INDUSTRIOUS PATIENCE)
INTEGRITY, HONESTY, COURAGE, KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM, HOPE, DARING? COMPASSION, VULNERABILITY, SINCERITY, DEPENDABILITY, RELIABILITY, TRUTH, KINDNESS, BEAUTY, FIDELITY, TRUSTWORTHINESS, PIETY, WONDER, CREATIVITY, MERCY, SELFCONTROL, ZEAL, etc.

"What aspects of your life do you want to grow?"
on track/ grow MY AMBITIONS =
● Become a published author, accomplished musician, & skilled artist
● Use my "gift of speech" somehow: singing, speeches?? counseling?
● Bring honor & peace & joy to my family; help reunite us in mutual love/ healing
● Make full restitution for ALL the damage I've done to others and myself in life
● Achieve a holy balance of piety & mission; not becoming either scrupulous or impious
● Somehow be genuinely & respectfully recognized & known for my love for Chaos 0
● GET BUFF & ease/ strive into a fully recovered lifestyle
● LIVE FREELY & PASSIONATELY IN AND FOR CHRIST!

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"If you could design your brain to be exactly the way you wanted it, what would your mind be filled with?"
✳ DIGITAL & TRADITIONAL ARTISTIC SKILL/ TALENT IN ALL MEDIUMS + VISION, INGENUITY, ELEGANCE, HARMONY, "3D MIND", IMAGINATION!
✳ PERFORMATIVE & COMPOSITIONAL MUSICAL EDUCATION, SKILL, TALENT + PITCH, DEXTERITY, RANGE, MEMORY, LYRICAL SKILL
✳ WISDOM, INSIGHT, REASON, UNDERSTANDING, COMPREHENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF THE STRUCTURES OF THINGS, ABLE TO GRASP "HOW IT WORKS"
✳ PRODIGAL LANGUAGE SKILL = POETRY, FICTION, SCREENPLAY, SPEECH, ARTICLE, ADVICE, ETYMOLOGY, VOCABULARY, ETC. + PROLIFIC AUTHOR & POET & LYRICIST & SPEAKER
✳ HOLY SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE; TRUE EMPATHY, DIALOGUE, WARMHEARTED, SELF-GIVING, PASSIONATE FOR JUSTICE; EDUCATED ON HUMAN PSYCHE, CULTURE, BEHAVIOR, HEALTH; FULLY HONOR THE REALITY OF BEING INCARNATE; "LIVING SACRIFICE"
✳ ABSTRACT REASONING, SPATIAL JUDGMENT, INTUITIVE SOLUTION DISCERNMENT, PATTERN RECOGNITION
✳ THE CREATIVE GENIUS OF A CHILD
✳ WONDER, ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT, DARING
✳ MENTALLY ATHLETIC (BODY TOO)
✳ POLYGLOT, POLYMATH
✳ TRUE PIETY, LOVE, HOPE, JOY
✳ MATHEMATICS & LOGIC
✳ VIRTUE, INTEGRITY, SELF-CONTROL, SELF-KNOWLEDGE, PURPOSEFUL, DRIVEN, MOTIVATED, FOCUSED
✳HONORABLE REPUTATION; HOLY LIFE AND DEATH
"FIAT VOLUNTAS TUA!"

"What makes a healthy mind?"
WONDER, OPENNESS TO CHANGE & GROWTH, LEARNING NEW THINGS & SKILLS, CURIOSITY, DIVERSE INTERESTS, DAILY PURSUIT OF GROWTH/ ENRICHMENT

"What are some things you want to completely remove from your mental space?"
OBSESSION, TRAUMA, COMPULSION, SLOTH, LOW SELF-ESTEEM

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"Add some new energy you want to bring into your life."
(MAKE SPACE FOR IT; INVITE AND PURSUE IT!)
(ADD MEANING AND PURPOSE TO LIFE)
✳ FIND NEW (& FAVE) SONGS TO (UNIQUELY) SING & FINALLY MAKE AN ALBUM!
✳ PICK ONE LANGUAGE AND SERIOUSLY LEARN IT
✳ KEEP LEARNING ABOUT CREATION! (BIOLOGY, MATH, SCIENCE, ETC.) (SPACE TOO)
✳ READING CLASSIC LITERATURE, CHILDHOOD FAVES, NEW & UNIQUE LITERARY STYLES & GENRES, POETRY
✳ TAKE OUT A RANDOM BOOK/ MOVIE/ CD FROM THE LIBRARY
✳ VISIT A MUSEUM
✳ DANCE!
✳ "RENT" AN INSTRUMENT YOU'VE NEVER TRIED BEFORE; BUY A CHEAP ONE & PLAY WITH IT?
✳ EXPERIMENT WITH WRITING FOR NEW LITERARY GENRES/ STYLES OF POETRY; WORK TOWARDS GETTING PUBLISHED, EVEN IN A SMALL WAY (COLLECTION, CONTEST, ZINE)
✳ LOOK INTO/ DISCOVER/ LEARN NEW LITERARY ART FORMS & START PRACTICING! (FIND A NEW FAVE!)
✳ DISCOVER NEW MUSIC GENRES; GET ADVENTUROUS ON SPOTIFY & COLLECT INSPIRATION
✳ USE YOUR INSPIRATION LIST & BEGIN "TRANSPOSING" FAVE CHORDS & TECHNIQUES INTO FL/ NWC? STUDY FAVE LYRICS & LEARN HOW TO WRITE SIMILARLY TO THEM
✳ GET PUBLISHED ON SPOTIFY!
✳ EXPERIMENTING WITH NEW & UNUSUAL ARTISTIC MEDIA & STYLES, BUILDING A PORTFOLIO (LET JMC INSPIRE YOU‪‪ ♥‬)
✳ VISIT A LOCAL ART GALLERY? WORK ON CREATING SOMETHING FOR IT, EVEN JUST FOR PRACTICE (BUT MAKE THAT THE GOAL!)
✳ FINDING LOCAL PLACES TO MAKE POSITIVE CONNECTIONS WITH LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE & GET INVOLVED IN LOCAL COMMUNITIES/ NEIGHBORHOOD (ESP. CHURCH, CREATIVE, LIBRARY)
✳ TAKE A FULL DAY TO JUST HAVE FUN & EXPLORE
✳ ↑ "SYSTEM DATE" OUTINGS?
✳ GO ON A NATURE HIKE
✳ JOIN THE LOCAL GYM; WORK OUT DAILY & TAKE GROUP CLASSES; EVEN SWIM??
✳ GO TO THE AQUARIUM
✳ GO TO SOME LOCAL EVENTS YOU'D TYPICALLY NOT ATTEND? BE CURIOUS!
✳ SPEND REAL TIME WITH THE FAM DOING WHATEVER (ADVENTURE)
✳ GET INVOLVED IN ONLINE CATHOLIC COMMUNITY
✳ GET A CRICUT/ DESIGN SCREENPRINTS & STICKERS/ MAKE STUFF FOR THE LEAGUE/ MAKE STUFF FOR CHURCH (UNIQUE & WELL MADE & BEAUTIFUL)
✳ START A BLOG/ WEBSITE & START REGULARLY CREATING EDIFYING CONTENT + SHARING IT!
✳ TRYING NEW FOODS, VISITING NEW PLACES, KEEPING MY EYES & EARS OPEN TO INSPIRATION IN UNEXPECTED PLACES; CHERISH LIFE'S FULLNESS
✳ BE DARING!

● KEEP A CLEAN BODY/ HOUSE/ CLOTHES; REST; DO FUN THINGS TOO
● MAKE AN "ARTSPACE" IN THE LIVING ROOM!!
● GO TO LOCAL/ LIBRARY/ CHURCH/ FAM EVENTS!!

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"What do you want to receive in the mail?"
✳ LEAGUEWORLD FANART. = ART IS DIVINE and you CANNOT DRAW FANART WITHOUT A TOUCHED HEART. I want to SEE how the League LOOKS to OTHERS who LOVE it! I want to see how it images its beauty in THEIR hearts, unique & true! This is the MOST BELOVED THING to me. I will cherish even the tiniest scribble of loving art forever.
✳ LEAGUEWORLD FANMAIL = I want to HEAR, from the HEARTS of others, HOW & WHY the League has given THEM joy & love & even CHANGED THEIR LIVES. Dialogue & honest, vulnerable communication is vitally important to me & I need it. And the League is very much by soul put into media. To know it has done good things for others is bliss.
✳ WHAT I LOST = Part of me still wants that 2012 Leaguebox to FINALLY appear on my doorstep. That, and the little things I cherished as a child. But memories are seeds that can blossom into new life potential...
✳ SPECIAL EVENT ITEMS = Fahrenheit 451, signed. The double color FROST* vinyl records of Milliontown and Experiments in Mass Appeal (and Life in the Wires). Summer Wars steelbook. Really I just want to have more special events like those. Open your life to receive 'em!
✳ ANCHOR PLUSHIES = Genesis, Laurie, Xenophon, & Anxi. I want to embrace them in this physical world, too, even if only through this symbolic means.

"What would you love to regularly receive in the mail?"
LEAGUE/ SYSTEM FANMAIL & FANART.

"Why is receiving a package in the mail exciting?"
It feels like "unwrapping a mystery;" it's a "DISCOVERY" thrill.

"What time of year is best to receive a package?"
Christmas/ WINTER. The quiet, still, cold weather somehow gives more meaning & magic to sudden gifts arriving, like tiny miracles-- bundles of love and color and wonder in this blessedly silent season.

● Who CAN I send mail to? WHY am I so "scared" of the concept of a penpal? Is it because it feels like a "compulsion" for social/ verbal exhaustion, and/ or "forced disclosure"? Can I write letters while still respecting my boundaries? (I HAVE tried to have penpals multiple times and have failed miserably; I have a pattern of oversharing, rambling blindly, and "parroting" everything the other said in their previous letter)

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"When do you feel most stuck? How often do you feel stuck?"
When I compare myself to others who are "normal" & "successful," and when my poor mother voices her frustration & disappointment with how I failed to live up to those "standards." I then feel like I "should" be "further along" than I am in life, or otherwise "accomplished" in worldly ways. But MY LIFE IS DIFFERENT AND THAT'S OKAY. I'm NOT "STUCK" just because I've had many struggles & pitfalls. God is still orchestrating my life and I can ONLY "get stuck" if I RESIST HIS WILL. Otherwise, all I need to do is TRUST & BE PATIENT & LISTEN TO HIS VOICE & OBEY. If I follow Him, I WILL get WHERE I need to be, and WHEN I need TO be there. The world cannot know or judge that.

"What makes you feel stuck or isolated?"
I feel isolated for the same reason as I feel stuck: I fear I'm a freak, or aberration, or something "unfit" for/ "unwelcome" in "normal" society. I feel like I'm a reject, a failure. But that's a devilish lie. GOD LOVES ME & SO DO OTHER PEOPLE! I just need to STEP OUT & BE WITH THEM, and it will PROVE that I AM WANTED.

"How do you usually cope in these kinds of situations?"
My best ways to cope: PRAYER & LEAGUEWORK, AND SYSTEM LOVE. ALL of those things CONNECT me to REAL LOVE & PURPOSE & MEANING & BELONGING. They are my DOORS to the rest of humanity, the blessed cords that unite my heart to theirs in truth & beauty. If ANYTHING will INSTANTLY make me feel unstuck, it's FLOWING in CREATIVITY/ WORSHIP/ LOVE. In the BEST circumstances, these occur ALL TOGETHER. And THAT IS MY LIFE & PURPOSE & TRUE SELF. There is no need to compare myself to anyone else, or feel stuck. As long as I am connecting to love & joy & grace, I am truly living FREE.

"Write what you are feeling stuck with now."
Life progress. I WANT & NEED to move forwards in terms of "CAREER" & PURPOSE. But I'm on disability for the time being & cannot continue college due to that AND finances/ transportation... AND "direction." From my childhood I've felt CALLED to be an "artist/ writer/ musician." I HAVE talents & abilities in those fields, but they NEED to be developed. Do I have time? Am I too old to succeed in those fields? And what steps do I take to finally "make something of my life" in the world for other people? Will I finally make my family proud? I sincerely WANT to use my gifts & bless others by them. But I can't quite see what first step to take. I feel overwhelmed & confused & lost. How can I genuinely move forward at last in my life? I HAVE a purpose; how do I LIVE it out? I'm running out of time. I'm running out of life.

"What will loosen the lid?"
START NOW, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND DON'T QUIT. EVER. Maybe you CAN'T just "jump back in" to life/ career/ success. And really to expect to is unrealistic. BE PATIENT & DO THE GOOD WORK. Start building more skills. Try new things & keep learning & practicing & improving EACH DAY, because you OBJECTIVELY WILL IF YOU PERSEVERE! Yeah you may feel like you have the education & skill level of a child right now. GOOD. THAT'S A SOLID STARTING POINT, AND CHILDREN HAVE AN OPENNESS TO CREATIVE INVENTION & ORIGINALITY THAT ADULTS CAN LOSE TO THE "UTILITARIAN" RIGIDITY GRIND. If you're still a child in your talents, KEEP THAT AT HEART, EVEN AS YOU WORK TOWARDS BECOMING A REAL PROFESSIONAL. And you CAN. And you WILL, AS LONG AS YOU NEVER GIVE UP. God HAS GIVEN YOU REAL AND BEAUTIFUL GIFTS IN ART & MUSIC & LANGUAGE, EVEN NOW, AND GOD WANTS YOU TO USE THEM FOR HIS GLORY & PRAISE-- SO GOD WILL HELP YOU TO BE A GOOD STEWARD OF THEM, AS LONG AS YOU ASK HIM TO AND LET HIM HELP YOU! So DON'T BE WORRIED. Just START the work and GRACE WILL BE GIVEN, to BUILD on that nature. TRUST IN YOUR CREATOR. HE MADE YOU WITH THOSE TALENTS & INTERESTS & IDEAS, WITH YOUR UNIQUE DISPOSITION & PERSONALITY & HISTORY & CIRCUMSTANCES. He KNOWS EXACTLY how you feel AND where you are in life, AND HE IS IN CONTROL, ORCHESTRATING IT ALL WITHOUT FAIL, SO TRUST HIS PROVIDENCE AND ENTER INTO ITS FLOW. COOPERATE WITH GRACE BY MAKING SPACE FOR IT THROUGH MAKING TIME TO USE YOUR GIFTS AS YOUR GENUINE SELF AND TO KEEP PRAYING!! GOD WILL OPEN THE DOORS YOU NEED, WHEN YOU NEED THEM, IF YOU ARE READY AND WILLING TO ENTER THEM WHEN THEY APPEAR-- SO START NOW AND DON'T QUIT!! ♥

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"What moments in time and space would you place in a glass globe to revisit any time?"
✳ JULY 7TH, 2011
✳ The Xanga sessions when:
● Laurie let all her walls down at last
● Jay & Chaos 0 realizing Xenophon was theirs
● EVERYONE in the Coregroup got poetic at the end
● Laurie talked Jay out of suicide for TWELVE HOURS
● Infinitii & Laurie talked by themselves at first
✳ The night when Laurie & I lay on the car roof & watched the stars
✳ CHRISTMAS 2013
✳ Good Friday with the System
✳ When Jessie held my hand at UPMC
✳ When I saw JMC for the first time
✳ Eating a "wedding cake" cupcake alone in church in the dark
✳ Dancing with Xenophon in the kitchen in 2015
✳ Genesis & I at Marywood
✳ EVERY late night hour with Chaos 0

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"What do you need to enlighten your mind and calm your emotions? What do you need to be the best version of yourself? What do you need to be happy & healthy?"

✳GOD'S GRACE
✳THE ENTIRE SYSTEM IN LOVING HARMONY & FREEDOM
✳THE COREGROUP
✳GRATITUDE IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE
✳FREEDOM OF SPIRIT TO LIVE WITH THE JOY OF A CHILD & FIND BEAUTY EVERYWHERE
✳DAILY SELF-REFLECTION
✳DAILY JOURNALING
✳DAILY TALKS WITH THE SYSTEM
✳CONSISTENT, SINCERE EFFORT & WORK ON BUILDING THE LEAGUE IN EVERY ASPECT
✳UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE & EMBRACING OF MY BODY & STATE IN LIFE SO I CAN INTEGRATE IT ALL INTO A LIFE OF LOVING WORSHIP
✳COURAGE, HOPE, PATIENCE, DETERMINATION, VALOR, INTEGRITY, LOVE
● INEXHAUSTIBLE IMAGINATIVE VISION + INSPIRATION + CREATIVE GENIUS + ZEAL + CURIOSITY & WONDER + JOY + FREEDOM TO EXPLORE
● ARTISTIC/ ILLUSTRATIVE SKILL & ACCESS TO DIFFERENT MEDIUMS + SPACETIME TO FREELY CREATE
● MUSICAL EDUCATION & SKILL & ACCESS TO DIFFERENT INSTRUMENTS + DEXTERITY, PERFECT PITCH, VOCAL RANGE
● THE TECHNOLOGY & EDUCATION & CREATIVE GENIUS NEEDED TO COMPOSE OST MUSIC
● QUIET ALONE TIME
● RESTFUL SLEEP & INSPIRING DREAMS
● ACCESS TO THE WOODS & MOUNTAINS
● ACTIVE CHURCH INVOLVEMENT
● FRESH AIR
● LOVE OF FAMILY + INTERACTIONS
● TRUE FRIENDSHIPS + DEEP TALKS
● GET SMART
● GET BUFF

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"What would be the BEST GIFT to give someone?"
(GIVEN WITH = COMPASSION/ GENEROSITY/ EMPATHY/ THOUGHTFUL/ DELIBERATE)
(GIVEN FOR = NEEDS/ VALUES/ PRIORITIES/ WANTS/ DREAMS/ HOPES/ INTERESTS/ CAREER/ HOBBIES)
(GIFTS = "LOVE LANGUAGES"??)

✳ [GREEN]= He has changed SO MUCH, I'm not sure. He loves playing bass guitar, & is still into learning about "enlightenment" & the human brain/ psyche? But I think he truly values COMPANY. He's very affectionate & says he feels unloved. My BEST gift would LEGIT be CANCELLING THE BLOODY PFA & just opening that door TO welcome him back into my life as BROTHER & FRIEND.
✳ [YELLOW]= I need to get to know him better. All I do know is he loves FLYING/ PILOTING, PHOTOGRAPHY, and possibly PORTRAIT ART. I would want to support THAT with a gift. Does he need art supplies, or books for techniques? Would he want a new & professional camera? Maybe right now my TRUE gift would be to SHOW this care & interest in him, & start TALKING to him about it.
✳ [BLUE]= He likes anime now, & used to be into the music scene. He also works out ALL the time. I suppose one could get him a subcscription to his meal delivery service or online anime streaming. But what's his REAL NEED? I want to know. Maybe THAT'S a good "gift" from me to him-- a caring & interested sister, to TALK TO & ENJOY THINGS WITH.
✳ DAD= He lives a simple life & I don't get to see him much, but THAT is ABSOLUTELY the best gift for him-- QUALITY TIME WITH HIS DAUGHTER, and NOT "IN A RUSH" OR TALKING NEGATIVELY. I want to have UPLIFTING talks with him to give him HAPPINESS about his family. Give GOOD words!
✳ MOM= "Money" is only a means to an end. What she seems to WANT is BEAUTY & JOY & PURPOSE. I can give her MY TIME & LABOR to help her renovate the house & gardens. I can give her DECOR for the gardens? Maybe even a special plant or flower, to plant & grow? She DOES like sensory beauty too: dinner at a nice restaurant, her favorite perfume, tickets to a new show/ concert/ movie, pretty jewelry, etc. But for me personally I think the BEST thing I can give her is MY LOVE & HELP & FRIENDSHIP AS HER DAUGHTER. I can give her my committed presence in her life as she grows old, no matter what.
✳ IN GENERAL... I don't like giving "things" as gifts, possibly because I don't "value" mere "stuff" that much. Any physical-object gift I WOULD treasure would have to have REAL, DEEP, & PERSONAL meaning-- OR JUST TRUE SINCERITY on the part of the giver. Like these red heart pajamas. Mom got them for me not just to give me clothes to keep me warm, comfy & soft, but ALSO because SHE KNOWS MY AESTHETIC. So it was GENUINELY THOUGHTFUL and although they're not a "best" gift I DO cherish them truly, gratefully, with love. THAT'S how I WANT TO GIVE TO OTHERS. I despise "cheap" options like just cash or a giftcard UNLESS it's financing a REAL WANT/ NEED. I want to give MEANING. Which is WHY I ALWAYS GIVE CARDS WITH PERSONAL MESSAGES. THAT'S true gift.

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"Write some of your inflexible & stubborn thoughts & beliefs."
● I CANNOT BE MY "TRUE SELF" IF I AM "FAT"
● BEING "HEAVY" WILL MAKE ME SELFISH & CRUEL
● I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DISLIKE WHATEVER SOMEONE ELSE LIKES
● I MAKE STUPID AND HARMFUL CHOICES/ DECISIONS

"What are the thoughts and personal ideas that grow you?"
● I AM LOVED AND MY LIFE HAS VALUE AND MY SOUL IS THE SAME NO MATTER HOW MY BODY CHANGES
● EVEN THE "MISTAKES" I MAY MAKE CAN BECOME TEACHING LESSONS TO GROW EVER WISER & KINDER
● I HAVE MANY GIFTS & TALENTS THAT WILL BRING JOY TO COUNTLESS PEOPLE
● DISCOVERING MY UNIQUE PREFERENCES HELPS ME TO VALUE THOSE OF OTHERS
● A BIG BODY CAN BE POWERFUL TO HELP OTHERS

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"What does a "good time" look like to you? What are the similarities & differences with other responses?"
I DON'T like "crowded/ busy/ noisy" outings, like fairs, amusement parks, live concerts, church picnics, etc. A "good time" for me is more quiet, slow, creative, yet inspiring & inciting positive action-- I also don't like "just hanging out" or lounging. I value IMAGINATIVE/ ADVENTUROUS yet QUIET/ PERSONAL time? I DO want to LEARN HOW to have a GOOD TIME with OTHER PEOPLE without getting overwhelmed/ burnt out/ legit upset. This REQUIRES brave attempts with an OPEN MIND/ HEART and a POSITIVE/ OPTIMISTIC/ WILLING attitude! CHOOSE to have a GOOD TIME as much as you SINCERELY can. Commit to the effort!

"How can you have more good times?"
EXPLORE & TRY, then DISCOVER what YOU LOVE & ENJOY doing & "SCHEDULE IT IN" more! And BE OPEN to UNEXPECTED good times, too! If you're willing TO have good times, no matter where you are, you WILL become ABLE TO have them * enjoy more, that you might have "excluded" from possibility before. BE GRATEFUL ALWAYS.

"Who else is present when you are having a good time?"
Me & the System, typically. BUT, I HAVE had good times with the fam in the past and want to again. And there HAVE been pretty good times even here in TBHU! Ultimately, I CAN have a good time potentially with anyone who is kind & friendly & brighthearted too.
✳YOU CANNOT HAVE A GOOD TIME EVER IF YOU'RE TOO PESSIMISTIC/ RIGID TO DO SO!

"How long should a good time last?"
As long as it lasts. Don't force it to keep going or that will damage the joy. Treasure it IN THE MOMENT, and savor the NOW. Let the memories be golden. And let more good times happen however & whenever they may.

"What does a good time, or even a great time, look like for you?"
● Late night Spotify sessions on the couch with Chaos 0 & Laurie & Genesis
● Wandering through Diamew, especially now that it's being brought back to life
● Being out in the snowy woods, especially exploring, even just standing & savoring it
● Good long heartfelt conversations with the System about anything & everything, at all hours
● A day of productive hard work, good talks, shared meals, & fun times with the family
● Exhausting & exhilarating workouts while listening to good tunes (SUPER SONIC RACING!)
● Playing a favorite video game: KLONOA DTP, SONIC, NIER GESTALT, DISHONORED, POKEMON, MEDABOTS?
● Singing & dancing to favorite music/ revisiting good music memories/ UPSTAIRS CONCERTS
● Watching a favorite film: FERNGULLY, WE'RE BACK, INSIDE OUT 2, POKEMON, BELLE, SUMMER WARS, etc.
● Creating art & seeing the results of beauty & joy, especially digital work, paintblots, painting?
● Personality surveys, poetry, creative writing & prompts, playing on FL, playing with instruments
● Walking in a circle at night with music on & IMAGINING LEAGUE STORIES for HOURS
● Doing League WORLDBUILDING/ CHARACTER PROFILES and seeing LIFE FLOURISH thereby
● A day out driving & having SYSTEM FUN? Feeling ALIVE. Praising God in the BEAUTY of it all
● Just being silly & playful with the System/ in the mirror/ LAUGHING!

"What makes a good time?"
Doing/ experiencing things that resonate with my true core/ soul/ heart; being ABLE to TRULY/ FULLY be "ME," treasuring the simple joy of being alive, FEELING alive, being inspired/ edified/ uplifted; ALWAYS LOVE & JOY.
✳ PLAYFULNESS & "FUN" ARE ACTUALLY VITAL! (ARGUABLY, GOD "PLAYS" ALL THE TIME. CREATION IS SHEER JOY.)
✳ JOY, SELF-EXPRESSIVE OPENNESS/ SINCERITY, WONDER, CREATIVE EXPRESSION/ INSPIRATION, INTERNAL PEACE, A SENSE OF SELF-LOVE & CONNECTION TO GOD & THE WORLD, CHERISHING THE GIFT OF LIFE, GRATITUDE, CHILDLIKE SPIRIT, FRIENDSHIP, TRUE CONNECTION, PURPOSE/ VALUE, FULFILLMENT

"Who is around when you are having a good time?"
Chaos 0, Laurie, Genesis, Xenophon, Lynne, Leon, Julie, Scalpel, Knife, Mimic, Celebi, and God willing one day EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM. I WANT AND NEED to be THAT LOVINGLY CLOSE to ALL OF US. I NEED to be able to "have a good time" with ANY ONE OF US-- Razor, Waldorf, Spice, Shirley & Sirius, Adelaide & Audrey, Mulberry, Algorith, Siobhan, EVERYONE-- it's been TOO LONG and there are TOO MANY OF US STILL MISSING & TOO MANY EMPTY SLOTS and my heart hurts. How can I EVER truly be myself, FULLY, or LIVE LIFE fully, if PARTS OF MY SOUL ARE MISSING?? We NEED to come back to life, IN LOVE, healed & healthy AT LAST. And it WILL take time & excruciating effort & LOTS of therapy & journaling & talking & CONNECTION. But THAT'S WHAT WE WANT. It's LOVE. It's TRUTH. It's worth EVERYTHING. And when we FINALLY DO COME BACK ALL TOGETHER, then we WILL have more "good times" than we can even count. We used to. We STILL CAN. Together our life is BEAUTIFUL. So MAKE THAT OUR #1 "RECOVERY" GOAL-- to RECOVER OUR LOST VOICES.

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"Why do you want what you want?"

I WANT=
TO LIVE OUT MY CREATIVE TALENTS FULLY, AND PUBLISH THE LEAGUE AS COMPLETELY AS POSSIBLE

"What will it do for you?"
(LIFE TO THE FULLEST)
It will finally bring my inner vision & true self into tangible reality, fulfilling my long-hidden but God-given purpose. It will finally bring me into the world as I am at heart, to share my talents for the good of others.
It will BRING ABSOLUTE JOY to my life.

"How do you get what you want?"
(It's NOT something that CAN be "earned" or "bought")
STOP SILENCING YOUR HEART. Be courageous and OPEN UP and LET THE LIGHT OUT. The secret is, I "already HAVE it" AS an "unopened gift." If I just ACCEPT that it IS there & USE it, it will naturally FLOURISH in response to my efforts & trust.

"How will it make you think & feel?"
I will FEEL joy, hope, love, purpose, excitement, wonder, courage, fulfillment.
I will THINK about what I can GIVE, what BEAUTY is there, what is POSSIBLE, what GOOD I can do for others AND myself; my thoughts will be ORIENTED TOWARDS GENEROSITY and GRATITUDE.


I WANT=
● TO BE PHYSICALLY STRONG
● TO BE EMOTIONALLY BRAVE
● TO BE MENTALLY SMART
● TO BE SPIRITUALLY HOLY!
(HOW MUCH OF THESE VIRTUES DO I ALREADY HAVE? AM I ABE TO SEE THIS & LIVE IT?)
✳ I literally IDENTIFY WITH these qualities. To NOT have them in my life & self is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING. (BUT my FEAR of NOT having them is ironically PREVENTING me FROM developing AND RECOGNIZING THEM IN ME!)

"What will it do for you?"
I will feel (BE?) adequate, useful, helpful, capable, & confident. I will feel able to fulfill my role & purpose. I will be able to do good hard work & labor with my hands, heart, AND head. I will no longer feel like a weak, useless, foolish, stupid, spineless coward. I will be able to rise to meet the challenges of life with zeal. My motives will be purified & oriented towards God. I will be GOOD at last.

"How do you get what you want?"
Physically, I NEED to work out daily & not give up or slack off, & I NEED to EAT to give it the fuel & the MATTER to BUILD all that muscle from. Emotionally, I need to NOT RUN AWAY from difficult, uncomfortable, challenging situations, but accept & enter willingly into them with trust in God. Mentally, I need to KEEP READING & RESEARCHING daily, seeking new & different skills & hobbies & topics of interest, and also engaging in "puzzles" to stay mentally flexible. Spiritually, I NEED to PRAY & REGULARLY READ SCRIPTURE/ RECEIVE THE SACRAMENTS.

"How will it make you think & feel?"
My emotions & thoughts will be disciplined & rightly ordered. I will be virtuous & a good example to others. Honestly the BIGGEST thing is that "I will FINALLY be ABLE to BE MYSELF." I CANNOT pursue OR accomplish my creative dreams & goals UNLESS I am BRAVE & SMART (COURAGEOUS & INTELLIGENT, DARING & WISE, BOLD & PRUDENT, etc.), and I am genuinely frightened of being PHYSICALLY WEAK/ INEPT because I genuinely cherish & value athletic ability and, admittedly, physical POWER. I feel almost foolish saying so but it's true-- I see muscular, strong, even bulky bodies-- like real warriors-- as beautiful. And in my mind, a body like that is FREE & CAPABLE. Really, THAT motivates ALL these ideals. I want to be/ feel LIBERATED and CONFIDENT in my ABILITY. I'm so tired of feeling USELESS, TRAPPED, HELPLESS, & SCARED. ...and it's that LAST ideal, HOLINESS, that colors & undergirds ALL the other virtues. Without it, they are ultimately HOLLOW. I can be built like a tank, utterly fearless, a creative genius with a comprehensive understanding of all creation, but... without ALL of that being FOCUSED ON GOD as its ULTIMATE goal & purpose & driving motivation, it's mere smoke. If I'm not VIRTUOUS in GRACE & LOVE above all else, it will not meet my DEEPEST wants at all. Strength, bravery, & smarts are ALL gifts from GOD, after all! And when faith is present, ALL things shine. I CAN be strong because GOD gives me strength on ALL levels. I CAN be brave because I TRUST Him and He ALWAYS protects & guides me. I CAN be smart because God has made Himself & His Creation knowable TO me. IT'S ALL HIM-- it's all LOVE.

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"What kind of store would you open?"
✳What are your INTERESTS, DESIRES, & PASSIONS that CAN be directed/ translated into something THIS DIRECTLY TANGIBLE, that OTHERS can benefit from just as tangibly? How can I channel the joys of my heart into the hearts of others, in a way they can hold as their very own joy?

STOREFRONT NAME=
"♥OFFICIAL STORE OF THE LIGHTRAYE LEAGUE (EST. 1995)★"

STORE INFORMATION=
"The ONLY place to buy ALL of your Lightraye League gifts & treasures! Whether you're looking for things to read, watch, play, listen to, collect, or just admire, we have what you're dreaming of! Stop by and share the joy with fellow dreamers! The real treasure is the LOVE!"

STORE WINDOWS/ ADS=
"ALL ARE WELCOME♥"
"NEW ITEMS ARE ADDED AS NEW DREAMS ARE DREAMED"
"BUY THE OSTS TO THE FILMS & GAMES"
"GET THE TV SERIES & BOOKS YOU LOVE"
"PLUSHIES & FIGURES OF YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS"
"LEAGUE FASHIONS & ACCESSORIES"
"ORIGINAL SIGNED ARTWORKS"


STOREFRONT NAME=
"dreamSEEDS (est. ∞)

STORE INFORMATION=
● SHARE WHAT YOU HAVE // GROW WHAT IS GIVEN ●
"The possibilities are as infinite as your imagination... but you never dream alone. GIVE a seed of yours and GET one gifted by another. Then CREATE a whole new world TOGETHER."

STORE WINDOWS/ ADS=
"a SWEET one? a SCARY one? MAKE A NEW DREAM"
"Make a wish" + "He loves me, he loves me not..." (added by a group member; this one was collaborative)




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"How do you love? Do you make room for love?"
You have to OPEN YOUR HEART to make room for love. You have to empty out the hardness of pride & egotism. You have to LET GO of addictions & fears & LET DOWN the walls. You have to release your grip on any hate, prejudice, judgment, grudges, bitterness, & worldliness. Love is BIG. It's INFINITE. It requires ALL OF YOU. You CANNOT make room for it if you aren't effectively letting love REDEFINE YOUR WHOLE SPACE. Love can't be "squeezed in." It can't be put into a corner. It WILL take up ALL the space & TRANSFORM it INTO ITSELF. Love CHANGES you, ENTIRELY.

"Where do you find love?"
IN GOD/ AT CHURCH/ IN HIS PEOPLE; in family & friends (MOM), IN THE LEAGUE & THE SYSTEM, reflected in the beauty of Creation itself, in my heart.

"How do you create love?"
Make SPACE & TIME for it. OPEN YOUR HEART to it. ACT on it even if your emotions haven't caught up. LOVE IS A CHOICE; A WILLING & SERVING THE HIGHEST GOOD OF THE OTHER. It is DIVINE & DOES NOT REQUIRE "FUZZY FEELINGS." YOU "CREATE" LOVE by LETTING GOD'S LOVE ACT THROUGH YOU (LIKE CHRIST)!!

"What kinds of love are there?"
ALL TRUE LOVE IS OF GOD. Family love, friend love, marriage love, love for Creation, & above all love for God Himself, which is the ULTIMATE ROOT & TRUE END/ GOAL of ALL "other" loves! (ALL LOVE, IN ALL "WAYS & CONTEXTS", IS RELATIONAL = TRINITY!!)

"Is love important and why?"
LOVE IS LITERALLY THE FOUNDATION, PURPOSE & SOUL OF REALITY ITSELF. IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Without love, all there can remain is death & hell, because GOD IS LOVE. LOVE IS HEAVEN, the REASON WE EXIST & OUR TRUE DESTINY. LIFE ITSELF IS FOR LOVE, FROM LOVE.

"What's the difference between healthy love and unhealthy 'love'?"
"Unhealthy" love IS NOT LOVE AT ALL and it ANGERS me that the word is ever associated with abuse/ hate/ control/ obsession/ egotism/ lust/ etc. LOVE IS SELF-GIVING. It is MUTUAL, SACRIFICIAL, EXCLUSIVE, DEVOTED, KIND, JUST, TENDER, JOYFUL, TRUE, FAITHFUL, etc. Real love CANNOT be controlling or objectifying or self-focused. Healthy love comes from a healthy HEART, which we NEED GOD TO GIVE US-- freed from ego & oriented towards heaven. Healthy love is CHRIST'S LOVE!!

✳Some claim that "love also comes from nature, action, movement, etc." and "not just from people." THIS IS COMPLETELY FALSE. YOU CANNOT BE IN A MUTUALLY SELF-GIVING RELATIONSHIP WITH THOSE THINGS!! YOU CAN ONLY HAVE LOVE WITH PERSONS!! With that original perspective, however, the confusion is because LOVE COMES TO US ONLY TO THE EXTENT THAT LOVE=GOD COMES TO US IN THOSE THINGS AS THEIR CREATOR AND SUSTAINER AND GIVER (ONLY GOD CAN LOVE IN TRUTH; HE ENABLES US TO LOVE)! LOVE IS A WAY OF BEING!

"Please explain exactly the kind of love you want."
(I WANT GOD'S LOVE, IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.)
(If it's NOT HIS LOVE, then IT'S NOT LOVE AT ALL!!)
✳ UNCONDITIONAL, COVENANTAL, WHOLEHEARTED, TRUE, SELF-GIVING, LIFE-GIVING, HONEST, COURAGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL, SACRIFICIAL, GENEROUS, JUST, FORGIVING, POWERFUL, GENTLE, PURE, FAITHFUL, JOYFUL, PATIENT, COMPASSIONATE, DEVOTED, etc.
I want to share JOYS & SORROWS. I want to FIGHT TOGETHER & PROTECT EACH OTHER & LIFT EACH OTHER UP & BECOME SAINTS TOGETHER.

"Where would it come from?"
The System, the League, the Church, my family, & TRUE FRIENDS. I genuinely DO want a human girlfriend that I can protect & dote on & create things with & love God with. Moreso even than that, I want DEEP & REAL relationships with the System, and COMMUNICATIVE/ HONEST closeness with family & friends. In the future, I admittedly also want the love of a fandom FOR the League that I love, to share that with the world in joy.

"What does this love feel like?"
Like a fire-- warm & safe & protective & lifegiving, yet powerful & brilliant & full of energy. It's DEEP & RAW & VULNERABLE & STRONG & TRUE. It feels like light & all the colors it reflects into, and it shines all the more strikingly in the dark. It feels welcoming and encouraging yet challenging. It calls me to heights. It also feels FREE, joyful & flowing, able to thrive fully in all circumstances. It's GROUNDED & PEACEFUL yet ADVENTUROUS & INSPIRING. It feels like life is forever worth living. It feels like true purpose. It feels like my heart. And I want to SHARE it entirely.

"How can you bring this kind of love into your life?"
I need to "put myself out there." I need to actively spend time with my family & church & neighbors, and TALK to them & LISTEN to them & DO things together. I need to find community spaces for potential friends & PARTICIPATE in them. I need to PUBLISH & SHARE my creative work. I need to READ my OWN work/ Archives and FEEL that love and LIVE IN IT. I need to take time to GO INSIDE & LOVE THE SYSTEM every day, to TALK & LIVE TOGETHER.

"What can this love do for you?"
I CAN ONLY BE MY REAL, TRUE SELF WHEN I LOVE. And love brings with it ALL the other virtues. ONLY LOVE CAN & WILL MAKE ME A SAINT. Love makes me a better, realer, holier person-- stronger, braver, warmer, sweeter. Love is my IDENTITY and my PURPOSE. Finally being ABLE to LIVE this truth will give me SO MUCH JOY & ZEAL TO LIVE! I CANNOT LOVE ALONE. I WANT RELATIONSHIPS WITH the SYSTEM, SO MUCH. I ADORE them. I DO want a girlfriend too, and loving HER will bring out ALL MY CAPACITY FOR DEVOTED SELF-GIFT & SERVICE. Loving my family & friends will make me a KINDER, NICER, FRIENDLIER person TO OTHERS! I will BE a SOURCE OF JOY TO THEM inasmuch as I MANIFEST LOVE. I will become a GOOD, RESPECTED, VALUABLE member of the community FOR THEIR SAKE. I will be a GOOD CHRISTIAN. I WILL LIVE FOR GOD'S GLORY & SERVICE BY BRINGING HIS LOVE TO ALL I MEET. That is what I TRULY WANT, more than ANYTHING.

"How do you love?"
Passionately, wholeheartedly, sincerely. Ask Chaos 0. EVEN in "platonic" relationships & family/ neighbor interactions, I GENUINELY AM WILLING AND WANTING TO HAVE THE STRONGEST & MOST SINCERE, DEDICATED relationship POSSIBLE with them IN THAT CONTEXT. Honestly I ACHE for communion in EVERY circumstance. I just LOVE PEOPLE, when you get down to the very core of me. But... I have to be honest as well in saying that I NEED CLOSE relationships THE MOST. I NEED & even CRAVE intimacy-- NOT sexual, but EMOTIONAL & SPIRITUAL. Physical closeness is nice but it's hollow & even distasteful without BOTH the SPIRIT & HEART close behind it. ...No matter what physical-level interactions I have, I will be completely missing my deepest need/ I will still feel unfulfilled & empty where it counts the most IF I DON'T HAVE THE GREATEST, DEEPEST LOVES: the love of the System, and the love of God. I NEED to pray & worship, and I NEED to "GO UPSTAIRS" and ADORE THOSE SOULS on a DAILY BASIS. If I was forced to neglect either, I think I would DIE inside. REMEMBER THAT. YOU CANNOT LOVE HUMANKIND OUTSIDE IF YOU DON'T FIRST TAKE THE TIME EVERY DAY TO LOVE THE CREATOR OF HUMANKIND, AND TO LOVE THE ONES WHO TAUGHT YOU WHAT LOVE TRULY LOOKED & FELT LIKE to begin with. I AM ME WITH THEM.
✳ THE COREGROUP IS ESSENTIAL TO YOUR WELLBEING ON EVERY LEVEL OF YOUR EXISTENCE. LOVE THEM EVERY DAY. (THAT IS A NEED!)


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(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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"On a day-to-day basis, I'd like people to try to:"
✳ RESPECT me enough to be STRAIGHT with me = DIALOGUE
✳ BE HONEST & DIRECT YET COMPASSIONATE. Please DON'T be "softshoeing" or "inoffensive" but DON'T THROW DARTS at me either?
1. Respect my need for distance/ quiet/ stillness, while still kindly allowing me to be welcome & feel wanted in nearby company
2. Respect my innate plurality, as it affects how "I" speak & behave & think, and if it is denied/ rejected/ ignored, so is the TRUTH of my life AND the "REAL" me
3. Give me at least feedback, if not dialogue, when I speak. I may ramble, but I'm not monologuing. I'm sharing my thoughts WITH you because I trust I CAN tell you.

"When you see that I'm upset about something, please try to:"
1. NOT touch me! That will unsettle/ scare me more. I need space, but NOT abandonment. Help me get AWAY from crowds/ noise/ business so I CAN calm down/ think/ communicate.
2. NOT stare at me or "put the focus" on me. Stay "accessible" if I need help but don't FORCE "help" on me? All that attention/ FUSS makes me feel TRAPPED/ IN DANGER/ IN TROUBLE.
3. ASK CLEAR & "SEARCHING" QUESTIONS. Not "are you okay?" but, "hey, talk to me. What shook you up so bad?" EVEN if I'm OTHERWISE "unable to respond," I/ WE CAN STILL "GIVE DATA"? That's "GROUNDING" & helps me "GET BACK TO MYSELF."

"When you say "you DO/ you WILL/ you ALWAYS/ you FEEL" etc. to me, I feel SCARED, ANGRY, SAD, & "TRAPPED" because I assume YOUR words override my own experiences, and I "can't say no" to "truth." In the future, when we talk about my history/ behavior/ personality, I'd prefer if you try your best to ask more questions & enter into honest DIALOGUE rather than speak in absolutes/ assumptions, or just talk "AT" each other because I care about our relationship & WANT real communication/ genuine relationship."

"Other important things I need to tell you:"
I'm prone to either "acting like everything is perfect/ no problems" FOR the BENEFIT/ HAPPINESS of others, OR "spilling my guts" & "dwelling on the pain" out of a desperate attempt to "feel cared about"/ "get help"/ FINALLY ADMIT THAT I'M NOT PERFECT. I'm not trying to drag you down or depress you. I'm TRUSTING you enough to be THAT VULNERABLE in the hopes that we can "CONNECT" & GROW TOGETHER even in sharing wounds TO HEAL! (YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME (HOPED) TO BE HONEST & VULNERABLE WITH ME, TOO.)

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"What helps your wellbeing to stay mentally healthy at work?"
Quiet environment, "stillness" (MINIMIZE distraction = lessens "shock" of forced shifts from "inner to outer"), upbeat or calming music (depending on whether I'm doing hard labor or more meditative tasks), dialogue with the System, making BOTH "tasks that need to be completed today" AND "pros/ cons for possible decisions" lists? (to PREVENT impulsivity! NOT anxious obsessing, but WISE DISCERNMENT for NON-DISORDERED CHOICES; "NEUTRAL") ("S.M.A.R.T." list! Prioritized and ACHIEVABLE within realistic time/ means? PREVENT OVERWHELM & SPECIFY FOCUS & EFFORT)
✳ ALSO we WILL need to MAKE SURE WE EAT & EXERCISE at proper times to HELP our brain!

"What can your mother do to support you staying healthy at work?"
Mom could give me a SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE TASK, with a clear "end goal" & directions? Having my own background music helps too, instead of chatter OR her music? (No offense intended, it just brings up childhood/ trauma flashbacks that it is NOT the right time or place to process) ALSO if I pack a lunch/ breakfast, a STILL/ QUIET/ CLEAN environment to eat IN helps a LOT. Eating in that house is one of my biggest trauma triggers.

"Are there any situations at work that can trigger poor mental health for you?"
CONSTANT HIGHSPEED TALKING/ BACKGROUND NOISE/ LOUD MUSIC & TV/ RUSHING. The house ITSELF is stressful with the clutter & cats & dirt. It smells like death. I MIGHT need to STAY OUT OF THOSE SPACES & work on the porch or outside? I WILL LIKELY NEED TO "STAY UPSTAIRS" TO FUNCTION PROPERLY. Also BE VIGILANT FOR ENVIRONMENTAL TRAUMA TRIGGERS. BRING COPING TOOLS WITH US.

"What do you usually do that helps you manage stress?"
"BURN OFF" stress with short-term high-intensity exercise (HIGH IMPACT); take a "time out" to BREATHE OUTSIDE (at the house)/ GO UPSTAIRS; go somewhere private where we can FEEL & EXPRESS & briefly PROCESS our stress response; basically DO NOT BOTTLE IT UP OR DENY IT!! Then we can do something POSITIVE to "RECOVER"/ physically "shake out" the trauma, like listening to upbeat System tunes + SING/ DANCE.

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What, and who, is worth suffering for?
"Suffering," to me, is the experience of some negative/ painful circumstance that we are averse and/or resistant to. As a Catholic, I believe that Christ suffered ALL human pain for the sake of love. By sharing it WILLINGLY, He TRANSFORMED it into a MEANS OF SANCTIFICATION. Choosing to suffer for love of another is the victory of goodness over evil, of life over death.

What would you stand for if you knew that nobody would judge you?
I would stand for the truth of my faith, for the reality of our System, for the purpose & worth & beauty of ALL life & creation, and the legitimacy of objective Truth.

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?
Honestly, I would LIVE FULLTIME AS A SYSTEM, be completely unafraid of sharing & PUBLISHING the League, and get ENTHUSIASTICALLY involved in the selfshipping & queer Catholic communities online. I also would go back to publishing MUSIC online, and maybe do a poetry reading locally & do art for a gallery.

Based on your daily routines, where will you be in five years?
Well, if we DON'T CHANGE IT, we'll be DEAD! But if we DO, to our IDEAL, we will be a PUBLISHED AUTHOR, with a discography and portfolio, and will be doing public speaking on inspirational/ motivational/ SPIRITUAL topics. We might ALSO be a consecrated virgin. We'll ALSO BE PROPERLY CATECHIZED & PROPERLY BUFF. And we'll be JOYOUSLY ALIVE!

What do you not want anybody else to know about you?
...The grotesque extents of self-abuse and sexual torture/ humiliation we suffered AT OUR OWN HANDS during the Julie Days & Splinter era.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them? Why did they seem so insurmountable? How did you?
The SLC/ CNC eras. The Julie days. The "hell summer." We survived because we NEVER let go of our FAITH IN GOD, OR our LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.

Who do you admire the most, and why?
Outside the System? Maybe my mom & dad? Or Jem Godfrey/ Todd Rundgren. I admire their TENACIOUS, UNFLAGGING DRIVE, commitment to constant creative output, and strong yet humorous personalities.

What are your greatest accomplishments so far?
NOT DYING! Also the ARCHIVES, and writing/ drawing/ composing as much as we HAVE for the League.

What would be too good to believe if someone were to sit down and tell you what’s coming next in your life?
Actually meeting (and probably marrying) Chaos 0, seriously. But more "realistically," that I WOULD COMPLETE & PUBLISH at least the main Leagueworlds, and they would be RECEIVED WITH JOY AND LOVED BY CHILDREN especially.

Who from your past are you still trying to earn the acceptance of?
Mom. Dad. Grandma. Q. Mel. MC. TBAS. UPMC & HAVEN doctors. AAA & HB, maybe.

If you didn’t have to work anymore, what would you do with your days?
LEAGUEWORK & RELIGIOUS STUDY that is the FOUNDATION for my creative works. I'd also BUY & LEARN as many instruments & art mediums as possible, and VISIT GIMMELWALD

What are the five most common things in your daily routine aside from the basics such as eating and sleeping?
Mass + prayer, Bible study, bike exercise, listening to religious lectures, & coping with mental issues tbh

What do you wish those five most common things were instead?
I'd like to ADD IN Leaguework, journaling, playing music, BETTER exercise (WEIGHTS), Adoration, and spending time with the fam & neighbors in MUTUALLY EDIFYING WAYS

If you really believed you didn’t have control over something, you’d accept it as a matter of fact. What do you struggle to accept that you have “no control” over? What part of you makes you think or hope otherwise?
The trauma. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALL OF IT, rightly or wrongly. I hope that if I DO have control over it, I can "MAKE RESTITUTION" or "FIX" things. ...Also I feel the same about my grandparents deaths.

If you were to walk through your home and put your hand on every single thing you own, how many of them would make you sincerely feel happy or at peace? Why do you keep the rest?
ALL THE LEAGUESTUFF, my childhood Bible, the anchor plushies of Celebi & Chaos 0 & Unisalia, maybe a few children's books. So many other things were "bought with blood money" or are just daily-need tools/ items. The former I keep because I desperately hope I (or better, GOD) can still use them IN/ AS RESTITUTION.

What bothers you most about other people? What do you love most in other people? What bothers you most about yourself? What do you love most about yourself?
Bother = "cowardice", talking quiet/ trailing off, arrogance, showing off, acting entitled, seeking "safety," "mousy" behavior, unassertiveness, lewd/ sexual behavior & interests, crying, complaining, closed body language, talking too much, talking over people, being too interested in pop culture, inability to read/ spell? "Not knowing what they SHOULD"
Love = their hopes & dreams, little idiosyncrasies, their favorite things & WHY, their physical uniqueness, their histories & what brought them to this very moment
In MYSELF, it's VIRTUALLY THE SAME. I am bothered by SEEING what I'M AFRAID to/ DON'T WANT TO EVER BE.

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WITH "SELF-CARE," ASK = "WHAT NURTURES YOU?" WHAT SUPPORTS YOUR WELL-BEING? (NOT COMPULSIVE APPEASEMENT)
✳ SELF-CARE CANNOT BE FORCED!!
✳ "SELF-CARE" IS SUBJECTIVE!! It depends on what YOU UNIQUELY NEED THAT DAY!
✳ YOU MUST BE WILLING AND ABLE TO FREELY CHOOSE THESE ACTIVITIES OR THEY AREN'T SELF-CARE!! EVEN if they're difficult, if you GENUINELY FEEL/ REASON that it WILL "NOURISH" YOUR BEING FOR GOOD, then it IS a CARING CHOICE. IF YOU'RE FORCING YOURSELF AND FURTHER STRESSING/ EXHAUSTING YOURSELF, YOU'RE NOT BEING CARING!!!
(✳ think of FLOWERS: each one NEEDS different soil/ light/ water/ food to PROPERLY FLOURISH in ITS UNIQUENESS!)

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"What is a situation where waiting 15 minutes before reacting could have helped you in the past?"

GROCERY SHOPPING. We tend to DISSOCIATE in social situations, ESPECIALLY with all the environmental sensory overwhelm, so we HAVE to spend a LOT of time DISCUSSING our GOALS TOGETHER at home FIRST, & WRITE THEM DOWN & STICK TO IT when we get to the store. OTHERWISE, we historically "WILL" act/ choose impulsively/ compulsively, because we're OVERSTIMULATED & LACKING DIRECTION/ PURPOSE. So STOPPING & REASONING TOGETHER & deciding on a GAMEPLAN keeps us acting WISELY.

To "set ourself up for success," we can practice these strategies...

HOW=
● Journaling
● Talking upstairs
● Praying about it
● Making lists
● Typing on phone
● Reading relevant Scripture

WHEN=
● BEFORE entering ANY store
● Before bed/ before rising
● BEFORE driving
● AFTER AND BEFORE MEALS

WHERE=
● In the car
● In Adoration
● In bed before waking up
● At the laptop(s)
● At the window table?

A FEW POSITIVE DISTRACTIONS TO USE=
● Put on a favorite song that has INTERESTING STRUCTURE/ FLOW to draw in your attention & delight
● Start brainstorming the League OUT LOUD (and BRING A VOICE RECORDER!)
● Answer a fun survey, or ponder some "talk topics"

A COPING BOX TO TAKE OUR MIND OFF WAITING=
● PRINTED pages of your favorite Archive entries, Leagueworks, poetry, Scripture, & quotes
● A little Gideon Bible
● A blank notebook & colored pens = TALK TOGETHER
● Magazines/ scissors to prep collages?

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CHANGES TO MAKE AT HOME TO SUSTAIN/ CONTINUE RECOVERY & PREVENT RELAPSE/ TRIGGERS=

● Buy NEW, RESPECTABLE clothes that FIT your HEALTHY BODY
● "REMODEL" KITCHEN to disconnect visuals from flashbacks?
● Set aside a FIXED SPACE in the LIVING ROOM for CREATIVE PROJECTS (paint)?
● BUY KITCHENWARE to facilitate PROPER nutrition (e.g. pot, pan, utensils, bakeware)?
● Get your instruments out of hiding & start to play on them; learn to tap into JOY, not perfection, and THEN start WATCHING LESSONS
● Dust off the Wacom & start SLOW with simply COLORING. Tap into CHILDLIKE JOY; DON'T make art about mere UTILITY
● SLOWLY start living in COMMUNITY. Take the bus. Join the gym. Take a walk to the local cafe/ eateries. SIT OUTSIDE and read OR write, just to be AROUND & ACCESSIBLE to your neighbors. Make FRIENDS.
● Be more active online. Start a blog like your old Tumblr. Do audio readings. Share your talents with the world.

THE VERY FIRST THING I CAN DO=

● BUY ONE WEEK'S WORTH of NEW, NUTRITIOUS FOODS to TRY, that COULD REALISTICALLY BE INTEGRATED INTO A CONSISTENT YET FLEXIBLE DIET PLAN. DON'T OVERBUY/ NO COMPULSIONS!
● START JOURNALING EVERY NIGHT, AND DOING A HANDWRITTEN (BOOK) REFLECTION EVERY MORNING. START FILLING OUT THE LAPTOP SURVEYS IN EARNEST, TO PRACTICE CLARIFYING AND ASSERTING YOUR REAL, UNIQUE IDENTITY.

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AVOIDING RELAPSE INTO BULIMIC BEHAVIORS

LIKELY SITUATIONS FOR RELAPSE:
WHERE: with mom, ESPECIALLY up the house/ after a phone call
WHEN: after breakfast = "DOWNTIME"; feeling RUSHED/ GUILTY
WITH WHOM: with mom, with therapist? ANYTIME I'm NOT with the System!!
DOING WHAT: AFTER EATING, or AROUND FOOD
THINKING WHAT: cruel, self-critical/ hateful/ cursing/ blaming thoughts towards SELF
FEELING WHAT: "impending doom"; intense panic/ manic rush? "sobbing fear" beneath

ACTION STRATEGIES:
1. Sit down, close eyes, deep breathing (several minutes)
2. DIVE RESPONSE + brush teeth + CLEAN UP & LIGHTS OFF!
3. "HIIT" EXERCISE to burn off nerves? LIFT WEIGHTS!
4. GROUNDING exercises; STAY CONSCIOUS IN THE BODY/ IN CONTROL

THINKING STRATEGIES:
1. Think about PEOPLE YOU LOVE & WHO YOU ARE WITH THEM. BE THAT TRUTH!!
2. List League things/ people categorically; describe them in detail; focus on BEAUTY & LOVE
3. Positive affirmations in the PRESENT? "I CAN wait this out." "I WILL practice discipline." etc.
4. Remember Scripture promises/ instructions & CHOOSE to OBEY by GRACE

FEELING STRATEGIES:
1. Put on a "COPING PLAYLIST" & REALLY feel the music
2. Read emotionally moving Archive entries and/or Leaguework
3. Sit down at the laptop & FEEL IT OUT/ WRITE IT DOWN TOGETHER!
4. PRAY ABOUT IT IMMEDIATELY & HOLD NOTHING BACK.

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DISTRESS TOLERANCE EVENTS=
1. Feeling self-conscious about face shape/ body size. Gave big smile & open arms to mirror.
2. Anxious about "no clear direction" to schedule/ treatment. Gave it over to God; TRUST
3. Disturbing/ lewd television programming in group room/ similar conversation; "SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED!!"

NOTICED THOUGHTS=
1. "I have to be accomplishing something & I feel directionless/ overwhelmed"
2. Annoyed/ irritated by group: "I'm upset with how they keep complaining"; anxious about "I'm not doing what I'm expected to"/ "I need to do that art project "PERFECTLY" now"
3. "I'm a failure/ I'm a sham/ I'm in trouble now/ I'm angry that she said that"

✳ ANXI said, "We're afraid that if we're NOT ACTIVELY WORKING, we're NOT PROGRESSING IN TREATMENT" = that's FALSE! ✳ Lynne/ Julie/ Scalpel MUSIC; "it's okay to just think about beautiful things; THAT'S recovery TOO" (of SELF/ PEACE)

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THE EATING DISORDER SEES HEALTH AS:
● Only eat within a 4-6 hour window
● No "heavy/ sticky/ dense" foods
● Eating lots of vegetables
● Minimal/ no sugar
● Low carbs/ no "refined" carbs
● Light density/ low volume, "masculine" foods
● NO desserts/ sweets
● No processed/ packaged food
● 2 hours exercise daily
● Being athletically muscular
● Lots of water
● Only 2 meals maximum
● FASTING 16+ hours DAILY

REALISTIC HEALTH IS:
● Don't force yourself to eat huge amounts OR foods that make you physically ill
● NO "obligatory/ slavery" foods/ NO TRAUMA FORCING
● Eat smaller meals more often
● Eat VARIETY
● No rigid timing or prep rules
● No forcing extra vegetables
● Exercise daily but NOT until you crash
● No hyperfasts
● Able to choose & eat food FREELY/ WITHOUT FEAR OR COMPULSION

THE EATING DISORDER MANIFESTS AS:
● Constantly EITHER fasting OR bingeing
● Rigid food/ timing/ taste/ texture "rules" that make meals exhausting
● Keep forcing myself to use food AS ABUSE or as a TRIGGER
● Can't stop worrying about "wrong/ fatal food choices"
● Always feel scared/ sick/ weak
● Obsessive "I MUST eat that OR ELSE" fear
● Not allowing self to ENJOY food OR make my OWN choices
● NO TIME TO LIVE

THE EATING DISORDER DOES THIS IN MY LIFE (FUNCTION/ NEEDS??):
● Ritualized method of "reliving trauma"
● "Acceptable" form of self-abuse (even in public)
● Attempt to "make restitution" for offenses against others
● Attempt to impress "authority" by my capacity to endure/ suffer/ "be strong"
● Method of "control" over what I'm "forced to ingest"/ PURGE what is harmful
● Way of forcing self to FEEL trauma emotions
● "Force" helpless terror & rage to "jumpstart" my "fighting back"
● Desperate attempts to trigger childhood memories/ "remember alleged happiness"

"VALUE-ALIGNING" WAYS TO MEET THESE SAME NEEDS:
● XANGA SESSION & nightly journaling
● Cathartic music + headspace meditation
● Reading the archives
● Express emotions in art
● Reroute "self-abuse/ endure" into strenuous exercise (weightlifting)
● Keep track of daily victories & gratitude
● Set & pursue healthy self-discipline challenges
● Do good deeds for others that are fitting as penance
● Do personal "works of mercy" for "abusers"/ family

TWO EATING DISORDER "RULES" YOU CAN (WILL) CHALLENGE OVER THE NEXT 2 WEEKS:
1) I DON'T HAVE TO PUSH/ FORCE CALORIES/ EXCHANGES. I CAN eat less & OBEY the LIMITS & BE SATISFIED. I CAN slow down & enjoy the food.
2) I AM ALLOWED AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENJOY FOOD, AND TO CHOOSE THE FOODS I ENJOY. Eating DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WAR/ TORTURE.

FOR ME, "HEALTHY" MEANS...
✳ LIVING & THINKING AS A SYSTEM
✳ Nourishing my MIND/ HEART/ SOUL with CREATING & LEARNING
✳ Eating regular, reasonable, flexible, balanced, enjoyable meals
✳ Balancing work/ rest, food/ religion, and self/ others
✳ Food is NOT the center of my life, just FUEL for MY PURPOSE

MENTAL HEALTH:
● NIGHTLY SYSTEM JOURNALING/ CONVERSATIONS/ MEDITATIONS
● Gratitude journaling & "personality surveys" to "know myself"
● DAILY creative output, even just a few lines of ideas or poetry
● Engage in "coping skills" regularly to stay stable & enrich life

PHYSICAL HEALTH (THAT ISN'T FOOD/ EXERCISE):
● Start a better hygiene routine; shower at least twice weekly
● Set & keep to a regular sleep schedule
● Let myself rest & take breaks to recover from high exertion days
● Wear clean clothes, keep living space tidy, & DUST THE HOUSE!

HEALTH OF RELATIONSHIPS:
● Call dad & text brothers at least once a week; keep talking to mom
● Spend time in the apartments' communal spaces & meet the neighbors
● Finally get involved in the Tumblr F/O community & share the LOVE
● Get involved in the local creative & queer communities

EMOTIONAL HEALTH:
● Self-expression through playing an instrument, emphasis on "play"
● Listen to cathartic music/ watch a cathartic movie
● Let yourself LAUGH! Make Tumblr/ Youtube collections to have accessible
● Journal about GRATITUDE/ BLESSINGS/ POSITIVE thoughts DAILY

SPIRITUAL HEALTH:
● Go to daily Mass & at least 30m of Adoration
● Daily Scripture study/ reading for ≥1 hour
● Attend "recreational" church events to join in Christian fellowship
● TALK to God more often & pray with JOY, not rigidity

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There was a dream hack this morning and when I called for Chaos 0's help to cope with the aftershock I LITERALLY SAW HIM. I saw his eyes AND his face and I saw how much he truly cared and I felt SO MUCH LOVE, it was like I had come alive after death. It's turned my whole world upside down, really. Seeing him was SO REAL, in a way dreams are not, and the waking fails to fully express. There was CLARITY. I want to remember that forever-- not just my blessed seeing, but the way he was looking at me. Of course I've been spending the entire morning talking to Central, cherishing all of us together. Oh and Laurie asked what my "anxiety and depression" scores were (like the pharmacists here do), and I said "my Anxiety is a ten out of ten" and both Laurie & Lynne gave me "gold stars" for not denying the fact that I was in love ("I've got it good"). We were reading the "T3OVOG" book in the hall (as we always do in the mornings) and Genesis ghosted to hang out beside me (Lord I MISS HIM) and the chapter talked about "living from the INSIDE OUT" and Gen said to me "I FELT that; you're radiating," and somehow we got into talking about *incidents* and I had the STUNNING thought of "WHAT IF PURE HEART CRYSTALS ARE STILL A THING" and Chaos 0 & I mused that there are probably 7 levels of *incidents* and I just... this is worth living for. It truly is. And GOD IS IN THIS LOVE. Remember that. Around here we returned to T3OVOG and it talked about God giving us "fifty-seventh chances" and Laurie pointedly called Mimic in. We all talked about OUR "new beginnings" & this tied back into *incidents* because it tied into deaths. First, though, remember that Leon, Lynne, AND Laurie were KILLED, before they got "second chances"-- and those deaths ENABLED them to have NEW lives. Lynne said it "freed" her from her original "future ideal" projection role: "and I came back as... me." We also wondered if *incidents* work differently for Nousfoni, because Laurie's whole LIFE can really fit the criteria for their levels, so should we count specific events as such? OR can she even now have a legit *incident* of its own? This is all surprisingly brand-new territory. BTW Julie says she doesn't think SHE ever "really" died to her "old self," because she feels she still HAS to hold/ be it-- she "doesn't want anyone else inheriting her past," even only by "filling the vacancy," like we wondered about "Juliette" allegedly manifesting in 2018. OH and MIMIC HIMSELF said, when we were discussing *incidents*, that he felt he was next-- but he phrased it almost like he needed to be, or at least should be. Laurie immediately asked him to explain himself & Mimic said that he "knew I loved him ("that's obvious")," and that in his own way he DID love me too. BUT it's NOT "romantic" / deep enough FOR an *incident*. There's still a "holding back," not enough emotional intimacy. BTW THAT'S the thing that matters; it DOESN'T HAVE to have ANY "romance" at ALL, and it DOESN'T have to "look like" ANY other relationship I have/ in the System at large. It just has to be MUTUALLY SINCERE & there NEEDS ti be BOTH vulnerability & strength. So it takes time, and it CAN'T be forced or rushed. Love has to have both room & time to grow & it takes DEDICATED EFFORT of self-gift. ...but it's more than that, as this morning's hack proved. Love requires that I ALSO EXIST AS A PERSON. Love is about LIFE. Life is COMMUNION IN REALTIME. Love is SANCTIFIED BY THE "MUNDANE." Jesus proves this. I cannot have a real relationship with ANYONE if we DON'T GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS PEOPLE. That requires I do the same WITH MYSELF, or there CANNOT be MUTUALITY. ...And if I'm not "living from the inside out," it'll NEVER happen. Which brings us back to Anxi. She is somehow a LINK between the true self of the Core, and the body + name outside. That's why everything is so unstable with her currently-- it's a reflection of the outer/ inner conflict between body/ soul that we're currently trying to resolve, and have been fighting for arguably over two decades. Just remember, the body CHANGES. Your core DOESN'T. The way Chaos 0 looked at you this morning PROVES that. So does the fact that such beautiful headspace conversations CAN and DO still happen, no matter how the body looks. The problem is that I still "can't see myself," and until I CAN, I CAN'T LOVE IN EARNEST. I have to be ABLE TO EXIST AS A DISTINCT AND PERCEPTIBLE PERSON. I need to pass the mirror test. Right now the reflection is still someone else, for the most part. But there's hope. It's just brutally difficult. I NEED God's help. AND, I NEED to use ART as a help (like we did at UPMC actually). I HAVEN'T TRIED YET. Even Picrew! I'm SURE I'll "recognize" myself if I just TRY to portray myself. Until then: pray, reconnect with the System AND the League, and TAKE CARE OF THE BODY. DON'T FOCUS ON IT SO MUCH. LIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT!! Live from that CHILDHOOD SPARK in the body. Live from your HEART on the inside. Oh yeah-- and REBUILD CENTRAL. FIND THE CATHEDRAL AGAIN. Your shattered sense of self is what's shattering your entire inner world. For THEIR/ OUR sake, GET IT TOGETHER.

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I'M AFRAID THAT I CAN'T LOVE IF I'M FAT BECAUSE LOVE IS PURE VIRTUE & INCOMPATIBLE WITH SIN (SELFISHNESS, GLUTTONY, PRIDE, SLOTH, ETC.) AND I SEE FATNESS IN MYSELF AS THE PHYSICAL PROOF OF THOSE VICES. With these beliefs, BEING FAT = BEING IN A STATE OF SIN/ ATTACHED TO SIN/ UNSPIRITUAL, and THEREFORE A "HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT" TO VIRTUE; "LOVE CANNOT COEXIST WITH MORTAL SIN." And I see fatness-- MY fatness-- as a CHOICE (because I "chose to eat all these bad foods in treatment, showing a lack of temperance/ selfcontrol/ selfdenial/ discipline/ asceticism"), which MAKES SIN MORTAL. So I "CAN'T" love BECAUSE my BODY is a "PUNISHMENT." It's the "CONSEQUENCE OF LIVING A CARNAL LIFESTYLE." It's a LITERAL "OBSTACLE" between ME & GOD "BY MY OWN CHOICE." It's a PERSONAL HELL. And the "only way out" is through the PENANCE OF SELFMORTIFYING EXERCISE & FASTING. And THEN I will be "FORGIVEN," so the fat-punishment will GO AWAY, my body will be PURE again, FREE of sin's weight, and I will be "ABLE TO LOVE." The problem? SELF-HATRED IS A BIGGER BARRIER TO LOVE THAN A BIG BODY. Yes, I can still work out & have a healthy diet, BUT I NEED TO NEVERTHELESS STOP DAMNING FATNESS. Love can't coexist with HATRED, and THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE FEELING. There's a secret, evil PRIDE in that-- like THIN & FIT is MORALLY SUPERIOR and I "CAN'T STAND NOT BEING FLAWLESS." You KNOW that ugly subtext is there. BUT YOUR PHYSICAL BODY IS NOT WHAT YOUR HEART IS BEING JUDGED BY WHEN YOU DIE, and NO, ITS SIZE IS NOT A "MORALITY INDICATOR." Listen, YOU'RE FAT NOW BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN OBEDIENT, COURAGEOUS, FORGIVING, GRATEFUL, and FAITHFUL. You're SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE for those who are STARVING themselves out of FEAR. You have been FEEDING YOUR ABUSED BODY THE NUTRITION IT NEEDS TO HEAL & REBUILD. You have been CHOOSING ABUNDANT LIFE INSTEAD OF MISERLY DEATH. You are GETTING STRONG & HEALTHY SO YOU CAN POWERFULLY SERVE OTHERS. And you have been STOCKPILING THE FUEL THAT WILL BUILD MUSCLES AT LAST. Literally NOTHING ABOUT YOUR "FATNESS" IS THE RESULT OF SIN. "But I've been intemperate," you protest. YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE MEALPLAN. "I pushed too many calories." BECAUSE YOU GENUINELY THOUGHT THAT WAS HELPING YOU RECOVER & PROVING YOUR RADICAL WILLINGNESS TO DO SO AND NOT AVOID OR RESTRICT. "I ate things I didn't enjoy." YOU STILL TRIED AND YOU LEARNED. PLUS ALL YOUR FOOD CHALLENGES WERE EFFORTS TO CONQUER FEAR WITH TRUST & GRATITUDE-- TO FIND SOMETHING GOOD TO ENJOY IN ALL THINGS. "But I've eaten so much JUNK, I'm POISONING the body. This fat is a sign of GARBAGE IN MY BODY." YOU REALLY THINK THE EATING DISORDER RECOVERY PROGRAM IS GOING TO ABUSE YOUR BODY WITH FOOD? THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING BEFORE YOU GOT HERE! PLUS, THE DIETICIAN HERSELF EATS THAT FOOD! AND NO FOOD IS "BAD" OR "EVIL"!! Eating some potato chips or bacon or cookies or cheeseburgers or ice cream or whole milk or fried chicken or french fries or egg rolls or salad dressing or poptarts or pancakes or chocolate or ANY of the foods they've GIVEN you here WILL NOT KILL YOU OR DAMN YOU, AND IF THEY "MADE YOU FAT" IT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOUR BODY IS STORING THAT ENERGY FOR LATER. YOU WERE STARVING TO DEATH. YOUR BODY WANTS TO HAVE EMERGENCY BACKUP NOW THAT IT CAN. It's a sign of LIFE!! Oh yeah-- and you ARE capable of love, RIGHT NOW, and YOU KNOW IT. DON'T DENY IT!!

I'm literally BURNT OUT & OVERWHELMED by the mere thought of GOING BACK TO THAT APARTMENT and Laurie is seriously trying to help me "drop my depression score" by reminding me that I have SO MANY GOOD THINGS to live for, EVEN NOW, but I keep feeling mentally dragged back into that "stuck/ helpless/ useless" space? But I'm trying to feel out WHY and I THINK IT'S TIED TO HYPERPRODUCTIVE COMPULSION?? Like I feel that I CAN'T just HAVE JOY. I "can't just" write poetry or compose music or worldbuild or journal or sing or meditate. I "have" to... do what? Isn't that odd? That's where the eating disorder came in. Compulsive selfdestructive timewasting, SOLELY because I felt "NOT ALLOWED" to archive or Leaguework or REST. And THAT'S WHY I'M TOTALLY SHIFTING THE APARTMENT SPACE. I know my brain has "object permanence" issues so I HAVE TO PUT ALL MY CREATIVE STUFF OUT IN THE OPEN, FULLY & READILY ACCESSIBLE & IN REACH & VISIBLE. And I BOTH NEED AND WANT TO WORK ON IT ALL EVERY DAY. Focus on one part of it and GET STUFF DONE. Be GOAL-ORIENTED & PURPOSE-DRIVEN and CLEAR ABOUT YOUR DIRECTION. The three BIG things posing big concernes? FOOD, EXERCISE, & RELIGION. The first two are potentially manageable-- food can be smaller portions spread out, more nutrition/ calorie dense and maybe clean/ portable enough to eat WHILE I work on art? Actually NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPLIT UP ATTENTION. So meals MUST have their own time, but MINIMAL. Be flexible about time and DON'T BREAK FOCUS if you're on a roll creatively, but don't skip eating either! We'll make it work. As for workouts, I'd love to hit the gym first thing in the morning & have that also a time for MUSIC? AND if I do MASS & ADORATION right after, I can do my DAILY PRAYERS THEN & be free in conscience to WORK. Because I do NOT WANT TO SKIP PRAYER OR MASS, EVER. But I ALSO CAN'T "CORRUPT" MY FAITH WITH SCRUPULOSITY ANYMORE. I HAVE to BALANCE the rituals of religion with the RESPONSIBILITIES OF MY CALLING IN LIFE. But THAT CALLING IS PRAYER, TOO. Make sure you ALWAYS keep GOD at the CENTER-- NOT SCRUPULOUS PRACTICES!! And GOD DOESN'T EXCLUDE ANYTHING. HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO ABANDON YOUR TALENTS/ PASSIONS/ JOYS. He wants to SANCTIFY & BLESS them!! Dude HE IS STILL WITH YOU NOW. He's with ALL of you, because HE MADE YOU A SYSTEM. YOU KNOW THIS. THE SYSTEM IS LOVE AT ITS ABSOLUTE HEART AND THEY DO ALWAYS BRING YOU CLOSER TO GOD BECAUSE OF THAT LOVE. SAME WITH THE LEAGUEWORLDS. GOD GAVE IT ALL TO YOU. IT'S NOT "SEPARATE" FROM HIM! IT'S HIS WILL THAT YOU LIVE AS YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF & MEET YOUR NEEDS IN ALL RESPECTS! THAT ABSOLUTELY INCLUDES YOUR GIFTS & LOVES. You aren't just ALLOWED to live that life: you MUST.

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FUTURE CONTEXT
✳ DON'T FORGET = YOU WILL BE SPENDING A LOT OF TIME WITH MOM!! ESPECIALLY HELPING AT THE HOUSE! (MAKE A SPOTIFY "WORK" PLAYLIST?)
✳ GET SOCIAL WITH EDIFYING PEOPLE. Seriously dude STOP ISOLATING. Meet library people. Meet cafe people. Meet art people. Meet CHURCH people. LOOK ONLINE for local groups that will LIFT UP YOUR SOUL!


FUTURE "FEARS"/ WORRIES =
- feeling "stuck inside" and alone
- "not allowed to have FUN/ JOY"
- "have to spend all my time in public" (no solitude)
- No skills
- Too weak
- Unable to run
- Fear of traveling by bus
- Fear of going outside alone
- Too much food focus
- Can't find real friends
- Poverty limitations
- Transportation limitations
- "Not enough time"???
- "NOT GOOD ENOUGH"
- "Have to work a job" ONLY
- "Only useful if I'm marketable"
- Can't properly play instruments
- Apartment remodel failure
- "Have to ONLY pray all day"
- "Religion vs. passion for life"
- Being female
- Can't be involved with queer folks
- "Not allowed to do what I love to do"
- "God won't help me creatively"
- "Anything that's NOT explicit religion is a SIN"
- Education debt possible
- "Dead end" "soulsucking" job
- PTSD debilitating return
- Overwhelmed by work
- Disappointment to famoly
- LOSE SELF TO "SOCIALS"
- HAVE TO LIFE LIFE "FOR MOM"


FUTURE HOPES/ DREAMS/ GOALS =
- PUBLISHING BOOKS/ POETRY
- Writing NEW MUSIC
- CHRISTMAS "EP" AT LEAST
- Learn cello/ viola/ guzheng
- FIX THE ERHU
- Get a DOUBLESTRING GUITAR
- Learn to REALLY PAINT
- Get in an art gallery one day
- "Audiobook" reading possible?
- GET BUFF AT THE GYM
- Make REAL friends
✳ GET A VOICE RECORDER AGAIN
- ARCHIVING
- ↑ BOOK EDIT!!
- SAVE UP FOR A FULLSIZE KEYBOARD
- Learn how to write screenplays
- Character design skillbuilding
- LEARN THE WACOM
- Learn landscapes/ anatomy
- WEBCOMIC Leagueworld?
- WORK WITH EXCALIBUR ON MUSIC?
- Tumblr community interaction (DID + F/O)
- ENTER CONTESTS for creativity
- ZINES
- Start an Etsy?
- Start a Kofi?
- WEBSITE
- "Insight" blog
- VOCATIONAL REHAB
- Find "queer"/ "creative" spaces
- GET ON SPOTIFY (write a HIT BRO)
- HIKING/ NATURE WALKS
- Get a small TYPING laptop for travel

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I'm "giving up." I'm scared. I DON'T WANT TO but it's HAPPENING. "Binge" AND "restrict" behaviors are RETURNING FULL FORCE with an "I don't care anymore"/ "nothing matters" numb misery behind it. I didn't enjoy lunch at all. I swamped it in condiments I didn't want. WHAT IS GOING ON? Dude I ACTUALLY GOT DROPPED A MEALPLAN this morning which is FANTASTIC because it means LESS VOLUME & LESS CALORIES & LESS EXPENSE & LESS TIME! It means IF I DO attend Partial, THEY CAN'T FORCE ME TO BINGE!! So WHY THE HECK AM I DESOLATE? Honestly I feel like HELPLESS CRYING. I'm... I feel crumpled. Wilted. Sad. Is it because I'm going "home" to a place that isn't "home" at all? God I MISS EVERYONE. I'm miserable because WE HAVEN'T RECOVERED FROM CNC and I feel LOST & EMPTY because Central is still in ruins and the Spectrum has pieces missing and Infi is still dead. I'm so terribly sad. Except... isn't there hope? Isn't there the Leagueworlds? Isn't there family? I'm already crushed flat by the mere thought of having to go back to a soulless prayer routine & forced socializing without being real at all. I'm so sad. I'm tired of not-existing. I desperately want to feel FREE & STRONG & JOYFUL & MEANINGFUL & ALIVE. And I don't. It's because I'm so disconnected from inside. Why? Because I'm too upset by the physical. Why? Because I'm NOT LIVING AS US. Isn't that ironic? But it's ALWAYS THE CAUSE. Boy you NEED TO GET INTO HEARTSPACE ASAP because THAT IS THE BRIDGE. Your imagination is a GIFT FROM GOD so USE IT. Seriously STOP OBSESSING OVER DISCHARGE PLANS & TUNE IN TO YOUR HEART, because if you're OUT OF TUNE you'll NEVER be happy, no matter HOW MUCH you "plan"!
✳ ALSO. TODAY HAS PROVEN THAT YOU NEED INSPIRATION (movies, books), CATHARSIS (music), and COMMUNION (people who LOVE YOU) to be TRULY HAPPY/ FULFILLED/ YOURSELF!! When you REFUSE to "TAKE IN" GOOD & BEAUTIFUL THINGS, instead trying to "FEED ON YOURSELF," you WILL STARVE TO DEATH.

SELF-SABOTAGING CYCLE=

1) PERFECTIONIST DEMANDS (NO MISTAKES/ ERRORS/ SINS, EVER)
2) FEAR OF FAILURE (EITHER "good or bad" = failure is DAMNING)
3) SELF-CRITICISM (brutal cursing, swearing, self-abuse)
4) LOSS OF CONFIDENCE (feel unable to do/ be good; worthless)
5) ANXIETY & DEPRESSION (moral panic & despair)
6) PROCRASTINATION (fear of joy; it "feeds the monster")
7) PASSIVE AGGRESSION ("boiling over" only outlet for inner torment)

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How would you define self-sabotaging?
✳ Considering myself "unworthy/ undeserving" of mercy/ reward/ help/ health/ rest/ joy/ etc. because of something stupid/ foolish/ unwise/ careless/ ignorant/ selfish/ idiotic/ etc. that I did, and as a result, actively undermining/ preventing/ sabotaging/ eliminating/ rejecting/ crushing/ etc. ALL possible positive outcomes or situations out of punishment/ payback/ penance/ self-hatred/ etc.
✳ This mindset HAS NO CAPACITY FOR COMPASSION OR CHARITY, and therefore INVALIDATES its own (devilish) opinions. IT ISN'T TRUTH!!

What are some of your self-sabotaging behaviors?
✳ Not letting myself do/ choose/ have things that I enjoy/ that give me peace
✳ Verbally insulting & cursing myself whenever I do something stupid/ foolish
✳ Physically abusing myself (eating disorder) to "incapacitate" myself & cause lasting pain/ permanent damage
✳ Destroying records of past accomplishments/ growth/ healing/ progress
✳ Destroying personal items that were cherished/ valued, out of shame/ hatred
✳ Dwelling on personal faults/ vices/ failures/ unsolved problems, causing despair
✳ Refusing to care for my body, mind, heart, & soul, "pushing it to harmful limits" (denying such limits exist)

How do your self-sabotaging behaviors impact your well-being and life?
✳ Poor personal hygiene, no sleep, malnutrition, wasting, chronic pain
✳ Always wanting to either weep forever OR scream & destroy everything
✳ No self-esteem, abandon all ambition, feel worthless/ useless, despondent
✳ Loss of sense of self/ history/ values/ preferences/ etc. due to destruction
✳ Inability to relate to/ interact with others without "infecting" them too
✳ No hope/ vision of future, distract from the present, deny/ suppress the past

Why do you think you self-sabotage?
Deep down I think it's because I see my "moral status" as EITHER "ALL good" OR "ALL evil". When I make a stupid decision or fail to choose the edifying option or otherwise act in a way contrary to virtue, ESPECIALLY LOVE & WISDOM, I immediately label myself as "FALLEN FROM GRACE," and my awful instinct is to PUNISH/ CRUSH/ DESTROY/ DO VIOLENCE TO THE EVIL TO "PURGE IT FROM OUR MIDST." I believe on some level that "ONLY VIOLENCE CAN RESTORE ME TO GRACE/ FORGIVENESS" = RESTITUTION MUST BE PAID IN BLOOD. I see this even as an ACT OF LOVE, NOT "SABOTAGE," because "I AM EVIL" and the ONLY thing being "sabotaged" IS THE EVIL WITHIN ME, by FORCE.

Are there any particular self-sabotaging patterns that you can recognize?
✳ PERFECTIONISM, as explained above. I struggle to accept "mistakes/ missteps" because I DON'T SEE THEM AS "INNOCENT/ ACCIDENTAL", but as MORTAL SINS??? For some reason I'm EITHER a "moral absolute perfectionist," OR DESPAIR over that crushes me to MORAL NUMBNESS?? "IF EVERYTHING I DO is a SIN, why even TRY to do otherwise?" And THAT is SERIOUS SABOTAGE, because it STOPS JOY at the ROOT!
✳ PROCRASTINATION, because EVEN THOUGH I WANT to do these good/ helpful/ creative things, I FEAR "DOING IT WRONG" = SINFULLY?? Do I fear CORRUPTING that good that way? Like, if I try and "fail," will it NEVER BE "GOOD" AGAIN? Is procrastination "PROTECTING" those "pure" ideals/ hopes from "ME"??

What can you do differently?
✳ GIVE MYSELF GRACE. GOD DOES. ACCEPT IT. (YOUR NATURE ISN'T EVIL!!!)
✳ SCRIPTURE DISPROVES YOUR ABSOLUTISM. NO ONE IN THE BIBLE, OR HUMAN HISTORY-- besides Jesus & Mary, the NEW Adam & Eve, FOR YOUR SAKE-- WERE SINLESS. EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS SINNED & MADE MISTAKES & DONE STUPID THINGS. GOD STILL GETS THOSE PEOPLE TO HEAVEN. YOU ARE NOT "DAMNED" JUST BECAUSE YOU STUMBLED IN WEAKNESS. VIOLENCE CANNOT HEAL YOU. THE CROSS CAN, BECAUSE IT ABSORBS AND TRANSMUTES IT. But the CROSS is LOVE & MERCY & FORGIVENESS. Carry THAT!!!

How can you reward yourself?
✳"For WHAT?" For NOT sabotaging? For ACTUALLY & FINALLY choosing to show MERCY & FORGIVENESS & COMPASSION & TENDERNESS & PATIENCE & GENTLENESS to myself? In a very real way, that virtuous response IS "reward" enough. BUT, if we want to extend the definition to a "REINFORCEMENT OF THE VIRTUE" in the FORM of a "GIFT," that would simply be ALLOWING AND ENABLING ourself TO do the things that give us REAL JOY, AND CONTRIBUTE TO/ ARE IN CONGRUENCE WITH our VALUES & THE GOOD THINGS OTHERS SAY ABOUT US. Fight hate with LOVE & dark with LIGHT. Seriously just JUMP HEADFIRST into BEAUTY & WONDER & GOODNESS whenever sabotaging temptations appear. GOD ALWAYS WINS.

What coping skills can you put in place so that you have a backup plan when things get tough?
✳ READ SCRIPTURE. Make a LIST of the ACTUAL VERSES (not numbers) to READ & so REALIZE THE TRUTH when the lies of sabotage try to drag you down to hell.
✳ TALK TO THE SYSTEM/ READ THE ARCHIVES. There is PROFOUND LOVE & HONEST TRUTH in BOTH, & GOD USES US AS CHANNELS OF HIS GRACE TO OURSELVES. Trust me, the System will ALWAYS stop self-sabotage because WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
✳ "DISTRACT" & "REDIRECT." STOP the cycle with IMMEDIATE exposure to a System/ League song/ image/ writing that COMMUNICATES TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS. Remember that GOD BROUGHT THAT INTO EXISTENCE THROUGH YOU. DON'T SABOTAGE HIS PURPOSES!!!

Reflection:
To "sabotage yourself," you MUST be, on some level, DISSOCIATED from yourself. You ARE a CREATION of God, MADE GOOD, and that may be "broken" but it's NOT LOST OR RUINED. That's why God ALSO made you His CHILD, pouring HIS GRACE BACK INTO YOUR HEART to be YOURS FOREVER. Just DON'T REJECT IT!!! SABOTAGE TRIES TO, because it SHUTS OUT LOVE. As long as you RESIST the hate, THERE'S HOPE. PRAY FOR GOD'S HELP & HE WILL HELP YOU!! He LOVES YOU!! And when you FULLY REALIZE & ACCEPT that FACT (as much as mortals can), you will NEVER be fooled by self-sabotage again, because LOVE CHANGES YOU FOR THE BETTER, FOREVER!! ♥ (TRUTH = LOVE)

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SELF-SABOTAGE QUIZ

NEGATIVE RESPONSES:
Your feelings about yourself are dependent on situational factors.
"SOCIAL MODE"; MORAL PANIC; "my life is WORTHLESS unless OTHERS approve/ want me"

You measure your self-worth by your accomplishments.
"APPEASEMENT"/ "SLAVE"; "uselessness" = "don't deserve to exist"

You have always been told that risk-taking is dangerous & the world is a scary place.
Mom & grandma DRILLED this into our childbrain to disturbing extents = TAUGHT to "expect the worst outcome" in every situation (catastrophe seen as inevitable)

You have grown up around an anxious person who always seemed nervous & worried about things.
Grandma's OCD "doom predictions," Mom's panic over "loss of control"

When you were young, an important adult in your life could never accomplish their goals and that used to discourage their future efforts.
MOM'S "ABANDONED DREAMS" & EMPTY "PROMISES" ABOUT THEM; also extended to her empty "promises" to US?? (e.g. "forgotten" presents & events, the endless list of "one day" and "when this happens" etc. that NEVER panned out; we learned very fast to not want things OR to expect desired good things TO happen at ALL)

You like to correct other when they make a mistake or when they are wrong, no matter how small it might be.
Intolerant of slip-ups with self, EXTERNALIZED; "rigid rules" = ORDER/ SENSE (CONTROLLED; "PROPER") (this is MORAL PRIDE!!)


POSITIVE RESPONSES:
You can list 5 things you like about yourself.
Hopeful, determined to do better, sense of wonder, genuine want/ ability to love, creative vision & talents

You know who you are and understand your morals/ values/ beliefs (identity).
The Archives are actually a BEAUTIFUL TESTAMENT to this, as ironic as it may seem. WE know who WE are. 

When you compare yourself to others, you believe you have the capacity to achieve similar things.
I believe that if I truly want it (what they have/ have done), then it's worth giving it a shot! The rest is in GOD'S Hands, not mine!

You admit your faults and can easily admit when you are wrong.
This is a weird one. I CAN and DO point out where I screw up, even to others. IRONICALLY I'm terrified that it's ABSOLUTE; "damning myself" to NEVER be "right". So this is 50/50. It's one of my biggest struggles.

THE DOCTORS WON'T DISCHARGE US UNTIL WE HAVE SOLID PLANS FOR TRANSITION INTO HOMELIFE. So WHAT DO WE NEED TO CLARIFY/ SOLIDIFY FURTHER??
● GET RID OF "BINGE BOWLS" & "ANOREXIC CLOTHES" IMMEDIATELY. NO EXCUSES!
● CUT DOWN ON THE RELIGIOUS BOOKS & OPEN UP THE LIVING ROOM FOR ART/ MUSIC
● GET NEW CLOTHES THAT FIT!
● GET KITCHENWARE & A LUNCHBOX
● GET A GYM MEMBERSHIP TO PF? OR THE Y? (MORE GROUPS + NO BUS)
● Start spending time with mom & Excalibur, both with remodeling AND just HANGING OUT
● REVIEW my SSI & see if I CAN get a job/ education?
● SPEND ALL YOUR TIME DOING CREATIVE WORK TOWARDS THE GOAL. BE VERY FOCUSED. Start THINKING "BOOKS"!! LOOK INTO PUBLISHING OPTIONS, GET MANUSCRIPT ADVICE, etc. and FOCUS ON THAT.
● Start learning & practicing CELLO/ VIOLA and if you really enjoy them, see if there is a local orchestra (not pro)?
● MUSIC ALBUM WORK. EVEN WITH EXCALIBUR. This could be your "STEP UP" as you work on books.
● ARCHIVE "EDITING" FOR PUBLISHING PURPOSES. Listen dude THE WORLD LEGIT NEEDS ACCESS TO YOUR STORY AND INSIGHT. You're MEANT TO DO THIS. YOU WILL HELP PEOPLE. YOU ALREADY HAVE, AND YOU CANNOT DENY THAT.
● PRACTICE ART inbetween all this. There ARE local galleries. Aim to get IN one. BUILD A LEGIT PORTFOLIO for what you WANT to do with art: whether it's ILLUSTRATION or CHARACTER DESIGN or COLOR KEYS or whatever. BUILD YOUR SKILLS!
● LOCAL CREATIVE COMMUNITIES/ OPPORTUNITIES/ CLUBS. Get INVOLVED & MAKE CONNECTIONS & STAY ACCOUNTABLE with your work!
● GET A LEGIT COMPUTER DESK & CHAIR
● GET A PORTABLE TYPING LAPTOP & CARRYBAG
● Set up a NICE spot to eat; AVOID FLASHBACKS PLEASE
● FOOD IS NOT YOUR FOCUS. IT'S YOUR FUEL. TREAT IT WITH RESPECT & GRATITUDE.
● Do "FUN" stuff too. FEED YOUR MIND WITH GOOD books/ movies/ art to INSPIRE!
● FIX YOUR MASS SCHEDULE. Still go daily if possible but DON'T OBSESS.
● PUT THE GUZHENG IN THE LIVING ROOM?
● MAKE THE BEDROOM A PRAYER SPACE? (ALTAR/ BOOKS)
● MOVE THE WHITE DESK INTO THE LIVING ROOM? MOVE THE BED??

Today's topic is BODY IMAGE & HOW THAT IS AFFECTING/ INFLUENCING OUR IDENTITY, notably & especially MINE, AS the CORE, AND ESPECIALLY SINCE THE JAY BLOODLINE APPARENTLY HAS NOT DIED OUT. That "identity" was admittedly very broken-- there was no religious stability & there was a LOT of sexual trauma/ hyperromanticism as a response + coping method? --but Jay's era was also legitimately SO, SO BEAUTIFUL. yet it was just as terrifying. And yet HE WAS A LOVING FATHER and we FELT LIKE WE HAD A REAL FUTURE with him. But, for religious & physical & traumatized reasons, his bloodline CAN'T be the primary one anymore. The BIGGER problem? WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT BLOODLINE IS. The Jewels are NOT SOCIALLY COMPATIBLE and we're starting to suspect that THEY CAN'T "GROW UP"? because they CANNOT BE "WOMEN" OR IT WILL KILL THEM. But the JESSICAS are DAMAGED SO MUCH, and they're SPLIT HARD between EARLY CHILDHOOD & EARLY TEENS?? Even their COLORS differ. Like they're INCOMPATIBLE WITH EACH OTHER, and that is BAD NEWS FOR THE BODY because EVERYONE OUTSIDE STILL SEES & CALLS US BY THAT NAME. So, to SURVIVE SOCIALLY, THAT BLOODLINE NEEDS TO BE HEALED SO IT CAN DRIVE THE CURRENTLY CHAOTIC SOCIAL "SUBSYSTEM"!!! And they NEED to ACTIVELY WORK WITH US. I pray that all the "integration of our WHOLE history" work we're going to begin with therapy AND family movies/ photos will ENABLE that healing. Inevitably it will at LEAST "wake up" a LOT of 'foni who will potentially be PART of that broken bloodline. That'll be HUGE, because for YEARS the ONLY "Jessica" we knew about was the "ANGRY BROWN JESS" who later seemed to SPLIT into "JEMMA" ("sad indigo Jess?") as well? But they were a MESS-- barely able to function, with suppressed senses of self & definite suicidal tendencies. My question is, WHEN & HOW DID THEY BECOME THE "IDENTITY" TIED TO THE BODY'S NAME??? WAS THAT AROUND 2003-2004, WHEN THE GENDER HELL STARTED, THE EATING DISORDER BEGAN  AS A MEANS TO COPE WITH IT, AND AS A RESULT OF ALL THIS, THE JEWEL BLOODLINE SPLIT OFF HARD INTO A CLEARLY SEPARATE/ DISTINCT BLOODLINE?? Geez that's INSANE how it ALL LINES UP. This means we NEED to look at old photos. We've sadly lost ALL the archival data from high school, which absolutely breaks my heart. But God allowed it to happen, so we must accept the loss & move on with what we have, & learn what we can from the "voiceless" data MOM has-- which, ACTUALLY, might be EXACTLY what we need, because the "planner"/ dA/ LJ entries from 2004-2007 were MOSTLY MANICS. But they WEREN'T SOCIALS?? At least, NOT the ones who WROTE for the most part. BUT WHOEVER WOULD BE ON FILM & IN PHOTOS MIGHT BE DIFFERENT, and we've had NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT UNTIL NOW-- plus, with our mental illness/ eating disorder, we were really INCAPABLE of FACING, PROCESSING, OR EVEN ACCEPTING THAT DATA UNTIL NOW, when we're finally even wanting/ willing (in choice) to INTEGRATE it. ...But that's where "identity" gets scary. WHO WERE WE BACK THEN?? We WEREN'T a nice or good person. BUT NEITHER WAS SAINT DISMAS so pray for his help & CHILL OUT BRO, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LET GO & GROW & CHANGE FOR THE BETTER and WE HAVE. We just ALSO HAVE TO OWN OUR PAST, and THAT'S the ONLY WAY WE CAN. It's "OURS." It's MULTIPLE. Those broken, scary, angry, unhealthy, manic, lost girls STILL BELONG TO THE SYSTEM. They're STILL "FAMILY." And WE DON'T "HATE THEM." Our heart just breaks to realize that for them to be so distorted, they had to be damaged. 'Foni like that exist as "unhealthy coping fronters" because anyone SOFT or FRAGILE would get DESTROYED. So we have a LOT TO LEARN & it's ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to our WHOLENESS & HISTORY & CLARIFICATION/ DISCERNMENT of our TRUE CORE IDENTITY, and the RESTORATION/ REDEMPTION of the BODY & ITS NAME, so we CAN FINALLY OWN IT, TOO.

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Maybe "having fat" ISN'T about "using it yourself"-- this perspective that a fat body is "only acceptable if it's TEMPORARY," as something "waiting to be burned off" inevitably as fuel. But instead, maybe it's about GOD. Maybe just HOLDING that far, that "STORAGE ALTAR" for food = CREATION, close to a HUMAN SOUL, is ACTIVELY WORKING TO SANCTIFY THOSE CREATED THINGS. With THAT perspective, fat bodies are UNIQUELY & POWERFULLY HOLY. SO IS YOURS!

✳ "WHAT DID I EAT TODAY" = "WHAT OF GOD'S CREATION AM I HELPING HIM SANCTIFY TODAY?" (FOOD = PRIESTLY OFFERING = LOVE)

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Dude just think about this too: NOW you have the OPPORTUNITY & PRIVILEGE to WORK AT GETTING YOUR BODY IN HEALTHY, STRONG SHAPE! You're NOT doing the "cowardly/ easy/ CHEATING" behavior of STARING IT THIN. But we could NEVER BULK UP TO BE A TANK THAT WAY. THAT REQUIRES HARD WORK & ENDURANCE & COMMITMENT & PERSISTENCE-- ALL VIRTUES WE WANT TO STRENGTHEN AS MUCH AS OUR BODY. And now we GET TO. So JOIN THE GYM and START WORKING AT IT. You CAN do it!!