prismaticbleed

Our goal for today is to journal about/ through the ANXIETY & DEPRESSION that have been lingering since the Halloween collapse & which are NOTABLY FOCUSED ON DISCHARGE. It's ALL about WHAT WE'RE RETURNING TO. The thought of going back to that cluttered, cramped, dark, isolatory apartment is disheartening. Now that we've been living WITH PEOPLE, in bright large spaces, where WE don't have to buy/ prep food at ALL, having to "abandon" all that is taking a heavy toll on our emotions. SO. We NEED to TAKE ACTION and CHANGE THINGS. We have no other choice. We have to CLEAN UP OUR APARTMENT & MAKE OPEN SPACE there to DO ART & MUSIC. We have to GET LIGHTS for heavens sakes. And we NEED to GO OUTSIDE MORE-- notably, to START DOING THINGS WITH PEOPLE LOCALLY. Of course the immediate opportunity is just hanging out with the neighbors, which is ESSENTIAL because we DO LIVE WITH THEM and it is NECESSARY to BUILD FRIENDSHIPS & GOOD COMMUNICATION with them. The NEXT big opportunities relate to the PLACES nearby, and the people you can meet there: CHURCH, the LIBRARY, the GYM, the COFFEESHOP, and maybe even that little park. PLUS there are little restaurants/ diners, and the local college class extension? So you HAVE meeting places, potentially. There's ALSO the FACT that you CAN TAKE THE BUS and get to know the regulars, AND you WILL be GOING PLACES & ATTENDING EVENTS with MOM in any case. So you WILL have a FULLER LIFE, spent WITH OTHERS, as long as you EMBRACE & PURSUE those opportunities. But possible the BIGGEST mood lifter is BEING ABLE TO WORK CREATIVELY AGAIN. PRIORITIZE THAT. ...except, it's ALSO the biggest anxiety/ depression trigger. "I'm not good enough" haunts our talents. We've been STARVING OUR MIND & HEART and that has made creativity DRAINING. We NEED to READ BOOKS & LISTEN TO MUSIC & WATCH FILMS-- BUT ONLY WHAT WE LIKE!! "EAT" GOOD MEDIA, NOT JUNK!! Only "take in" what will HELP YOU BECOME A BETTER PERSON, BOTH IN CREATIVITY & IN CHARACTER. And when we learn how to SAY "NO" to WHAT DOESN'T BETTER OUR SOUL, WE'LL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER. And we can direct our joyful energy into CREATING things that MANIFEST that betterness. But please, STOP JUDGING THAT JOY & LOVE BY WORLDLY UTILITARIAN STANDARDS (LIES). ALL OF YOUR CREATIVE WORK IS "GOOD ENOUGH" BY VIRTUE OF EXISTING FROM YOUR HEART. It is WORTHY of being created & shared! And if ANYONE rejects it, THAT DOESN'T INVALIDATE ITS TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS!! There ARE souls who NEED what you have been CALLED & GIFTED TO CREATE! So FOR GOD'S ACTUAL SAKE, DO NOT HOLD BACK. DO NOT GIVE UP. PRIORITIZE THIS. And seriously, FOCUS ON IT as your "day's work." DO NOT FORCE YOURSELF TO "GO OUT & SOCIALIZE JUST BECAUSE." No. TAKE PRUDENT STEPS IN WILLING JOY & HOPE & LOVE. If you want to type in the coffeeshop, go ahead! But ONLY do it if it is HELPING YOU GROW IN CHARACTER. We're scared of "going home" because we fear we'll have to STOP journaling & learning & improving like we are here. THAT'S FALSE. We CAN do ALL THAT & MORE, if we LET OURSELVES & MAKE TIME/ SPACE for it. Set a SCHEDULE like here if you must! And DON'T ISOLATE, even when you're focused on creative work. Still go outside & walk around, or call mom, or talk to neighbors, to GET CONNECTED-- but NOT OVERWHELMED! Set boundaries, NOT WALLS. Please, don't be afraid or sad. We CAN & WILL have a future IN THIS BODY and it WILL BE GOOD and WE WILL BE A GOOD PERSON FOR OTHERS. There has to be a BALANCE of private + social time & work. God will guide us!

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✳ POSITIVE BODY IMAGE is ACCEPTING, APPRECIATING, & RESPECTING our body AS IT IS NOW, WHILE STILL ALLOWING FOR HEALTHY CHANGE!! (NO HATE AT ANY POINT)

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✳ What values/ qualities/ characteristics do you value in yourself & in others? (LIST/ LIVE)

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✳ WHY AM I SO ANGRY (WEEPING/ HELPLESS RAGE) ABOUT PEOPLE KNOWING THAT I'M LEAVING NEXT WEEK??? Why do I just want to "slip out the back door" and disappear? Why do I want to exist as a myth or mirage, not as a tangible person? DO I want this? It hurts SO MUCH to be ignored & unwanted & not valued. But I "HATE having to talk to people"?? Like when people ask "do you want to talk about it?" my kneejerk response is a sob-fury "NO! STOP MAKING ME TALK!" because SPEECH "HURTS." It SHAKES ME UP inside to talk out loud ABOUT INSIDE THINGS. It's CONTEXT DISSONANCE.
✳ I feel "mythical"/ unreal? IT'S BECAUSE MY LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN INTERNAL. So I have a hard time realizing/ functioning as a PHYSICALLY TANGIBLE being to OTHERS? And it's BOTH "LOCKED IN" and "NOT 'ME'!" It hurts. God maybe if I DID "identify with" this body & name it wouldn't be so frustrating & painful & making me cry from the overwhelm. But such an "identity" OUTSIDE feels like IT WOULD ERASE ME INSIDE? That's so polarized. It's miserable. But I'm genuinely terrified of that risk-- of losing touch with my heart & soul AGAIN because I had to exist OUTSIDE too much. WHY IS THERE SUCH A CONFLICT AT ALL??? Is it just the bodytrauma + dissociation?
✳ I "don't want to say goodbye," allegedly. WHY NOT. Why do I "want" to disappear like a dream, so that even I doubt it was real? THAT'S SELF-ANNIHILATORY. Is that "fear of abandonment" self-sabotage? Am I so afraid that no one will CARE if I leave, that no one will bother to say goodbye because they WON'T MISS ME, that I "do it myself" by avoiding the risk altogether? I just "erase" it all & never get closure. But our WHOLE LIFE has been shot through with sudden jarring losses & endings with NO goodbyes, not even a WARNING often. Things just STOPPED. I don't know HOW to "say goodbye" and "TRANSITION WITH CONTINUITY" from one "era" to the next. I only know "hard breaks." Clean, brutal, swift cuts. This gentle "shift" is utterly foreign to me. Context shifts are DIVISIVE BY NATURE to me. This "blending" of present place AND future destination is SO DISTRESSING to me. I'm having a hard time figuring out "WHO I AM NOW" because the CONTEXTS ARE BLURRING. I CAN'T BE BOTH AT ONCE. But I think I NEED to, in recovery. But God I WANT THE SYSTEM TO KICK IN. Whoever was living in the apartment, KEEP THEM DISTINCT from WHOEVER IS HERE AT TOWER. LET THERE BE A HARD SHIFT, IN THAT SENSE. WE DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. ...but, CAN we be the person we are HERE when we RETURN there? WHY NOT?? WHY CAN'T THE CORE JUST DRIVE THAT WOULD FIX EVERYTHING. Because the Core exists INSIDE. Is THAT the ultimate problem here? Do we need BOTH "Jessica" and "Jewel" SEPARATE but working TOGETHER? OR is there going to be a NEW bloodline somehow? I don't know anything except we HAVE been "Jessica" TO THE PEOPLE HERE, AND TO THE FAMILY, AND THAT "JESSICA" IS GENUINELY A GOOD PERSON. That hasn't happened since childhood! So is this Jessica ALSO a "JEWEL?" She HAS to be! We HAVE to make our inner life the HEART of our outer life! The Core bloodline HAS TO BE INTEGRATED probably. We HAVE TO BE REAL ON ALL LEVELS!

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Why has our identity been so shattered since Halloween?? What did that DO to us? Was it just the MEMORY SHOCK of "what happened THEN" in horrible contrast to "who we are NOW?" But CHAOS 0 KNOWS AND CAN PROVE TO YOU THAT YOUR HEART (THE CORE!) HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME. Deep down, despite ALL confusion & trauma, no matter HOW lost we have been, THE CORE IS PROTECTED AND TRUE, and THE CORE IS LOVE.
✳ "I" CAN ONLY TRULY EXIST AS "WE," REMEMBER!! TO EVEN BE THE CORE AT ALL, I NEED TO EXIST IN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SYSTEM-SPECTRUM. I CANNOT EXIST ALONE. ...Is that true for us on the OUTSIDE? in the BODY? and we never quite realized the IMPLICATIONS of that before? IF WE'RE NOT LIVING AS MULTIPLE, WE'RE NOT LIVING AT ALL. If my heart isn't ALWAYS the heart that is IN LOVE WITH THE COREGROUP, then I CANNOT LOVE AT ALL. This has been PROVEN, CONSISTENTLY.

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