So I went to sleep at exactly 12AM last night, but I didn't fall asleep until 6AM. Why is this not a bad thing? Because I spent a solid 5 of those hours upstairs.
Just... no matter how many nights we have like this, somehow each successive one is even more blissful. Last night felt straight-up sacred for at least three hours. I need to write about it but I know that structured language isn't going to cut it, so I hope you kids don't mind my ridiculous stream of consciousness lists.


WIP entry, not surprisingly; posting for relevance in the meantime.


- (being with chaos; that alone took a solid hour and it was INCREDIBLE)
- (before i say anything i just want to reiterate that i love chaos so much... there was this great unconditional love moving between us last night i cannot even begin to explain what it felt like... seriously when i'm with him it's like i'm made of nothing but light. absolutely stunning.)
-
- (one of the parts that stood out the most was the starlink-- he was "showing me" through visualized emotion (hard to explain; it was like seeing his thoughts) what it felt like when we were together like that; he used "waves on the shore" to describe it twice, later i thought of this)
- (dialogue?? we did talk a lot as usual (heartfelt poet mode is the best) but as usual i don't remember exact words very well)
- ()
- another infinity loop, that was new. all red and blue too
-
- afterwards Laurie was more moved than I'd ever seen her; when I asked why, she first said that it was because she felt there was definitely something holy going on with all of this... but then explained that she was "afraid" that something like that was impossible for her to do. again I can't remember the exact words but I strongly remember the feeling... basically she had this lingering doubt concerning her own existence and position in those matters, that although she and chaos were at the same level, she didn't feel she could do anything of the same caliber. she said she couldn't handle the implied fear that she wasn't capable of something that bright. i wish i could explain it better but she was visibly torn up about it... i remember that as soon as i got up to move closer to her, her 'black hole' energy kicked in like a supermagnet again. it felt like it would tear my heart out if i resisted, but of course i wouldn't dream of it. she was starting to cry openly when i reached her and it honestly took me by surprise; that's not something she typically does, even around me. but now, she had no walls up at ALL.
- Laurie just held me and sobbed. I don't know how to describe what that felt like... the closest word is "heartbreaking," and yet there was this fragile beauty to it, because of the complete sincerity. Never in my life has she done anything like that before. seriously she was sobbing. but i loved her so much right then.
- she did kiss me at one point and i want to emphasize that it was really, really meaningful. laurie doesn't take those lightly and that one had this powerfully tangible honesty behind it, if that makes sense. it actually brought me to tears because whoa
-
- i remember the room was shifting with all this energy and we ended up back in the black lotus room? but laurie told us not to worry, saying "i think i understand what this really is now."
- she took ALL of her bandages off this time, which i was hoping for as we had discussed that earlier in the evening (which was beautiful, i need to write that down later). chaos was stunned that she wasn't covered in scars for once in her life
- (ascended form!! remember the purple spark wings)
- (we were all lying on the bed in my room for a while, projecting our 'galaxies' into the air to see how they looked; laurie's was very nebula-ish, chaos' was a spiral galaxy, mine was almost like a nerve cell or something)
- (showing laurie how to 'create' a spark in her hands? she got chaos to do the flower thing he usually does; ultimately he 'expanded' the space of our room by changing the floor to a forest floor and taking out two of the walls. laurie then mused out loud that if i tended to create structure, and chaos made nature, what could she do? she frustratedly said that yeah she could 'summon' her weapons-- and summoned a ton in midair as she did so-- but she was tired of fighting, and wanted to do something more. then she went all bankai on us and turned every weapon into a flurry of glowing flower petals, like byakuya... but then she swung her arms upwards with the energy, collecting all that, and a huge tree sprung out of the ground! she kept doing this and we were now in a forest of what looked like redwoods, but they were actually cherry blossom trees. it was stunning.
- we figured out that she wasn't 'creating' yet, but she had such a powerful ability to 'manifest outside energy' now, that she could 'summon' a tree straight out of the ground solely by recognizing the potential for one already there
- i told laurie that whenever a 'new area' like that is created in headspace, no matter how small it is, it sticks. since headspace is so fluid there are tons of little 'pockets' like that strung together out in the wilderness, it really makes for quite a beautiful world up here
-
- (celebi showed up! said she had 'felt' a huge surge of nature-based creation and wanted to see what it was)
- (we made the forest all snowy, celebi wanted at least one pine tree like in diamew (as she protects it at home), so chaos created one. she sat under it and laughed, it was great)
- celebi eventually told us she needed to leave, but before she did, she kissed me and pressed a small item into my hands, mentally telling me "merry christmas." when she left i looked at it, saw it was a glass ornament with a tiny lotus within it. it was beautiful. i then got the strong notion that i was supposed to plant it, so i knelt down and did so-- immediately it bloomed up into a huge glass christmas tree. it was stunning. the ornament re-formed on it and i realized that celebi had been putting all her new creative potential into making this since last month. this brought me to tears, i was really moved, swore i'd do something for her in thanks.
- laurie convinced me to make a garland of gold hearts and crystal drops to put around the tree, then chaos 'made' an ornament too; a blue-green ringed sphere in the shape of his symbol, but with the look of a galaxy. i said it was beautiful and thanked him; laurie said she'd make one too but she was a little off-put with her symbol still being an axe. i told her we could look into a new one if she wanted.
-
-
- I temporarily walked out of headspace and into "limbo," i.e. the grayish void between realms upstairs. Laurie followed me and asked what was up. I said I was somewhat tired and just need to gather my thoughts. All of a sudden I felt someone appear behind me, and upon turning realized it was my boss. However his demeanor struck me as off, and sure enough, barely two seconds after saying hello, his face became malicious and his form shifted into Jezebel. She lunged at me but before Laurie could even swing her axe, Jezebel was suddenly surrounded by a gold-edged glass cube. I then saw the real Mister Sandman walking into the area, looking grim. To my surprise he asked me if I wanted him to "take care of the situation," assumedly with force. Instead I told him to listen to what he was saying-- Jezebel's vibe was powerful, and if any of us slipped slightly she could get in. Boss visibly calmed down and apologized, saying he hadn't been aware of that fact. He then asked what we should do with Jezebel regardless, as she was not happy to be trapped at all. I decided to ask the others, so I then moved us back out of the void and into the forest space.
- Chaos was shocked and somewhat incredulous that I had just brought Jezebel in there, but I explained the situation and said I wanted to know what she was trying to pull. Plus I reassured him that as long as my boss had her locked in that dreamsand cube, she couldn't touch us. Jezebel wouldn't listen to us talk though, and only screamed insults and perversions at us when we tried to speak. She kept calling us "whores" and the like, but the phrases were all manic, furious, and oddly repetitious. Often they didn't even make sense in context. Laurie and I realized that she was literally just spitting out 'stock phrases,' i.e. automatic reactions. Her words were disturbingly harsh and negative, but it was all primal and blind. She kept screaming and flailing about too trying to break the cube. Her body 'warped' several times into a disturbing amalgamation of tar and bones, but the cube held so she couldn't turn into tar entirely as there was no room.
- When I realized her state of mind I couldn't help but quote something I had read on Tumblr to her: "I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can’t quite make out what it is. It takes time." Laurie murmured sadly that she knew exactly what that was like, but Jezebel actually stopped for a second with a look of disbelief, fear, and possibly hope. I then repeated what I had done back in February, and offered her a flower, saying that if she wanted to do what Julie had, and abandon her fear to embrace a new life based on love, we were all waiting for her with open arms. All she had to do was honestly choose. Unfortunately she then returned to screaming at me that I was lying and trying to manipulate her, as "she couldn't change or she would die." No matter what I told her, she vehemently insisted. I realized she was too indelibly identified with the Tar itself to leave it. I knew there was nothing else I could do.
- I then quickly warped the scenery around us to the tar room underground (it was empty), and instantly the sand-cube shattered. Jezebel returned to her tar state and nearly filled the room, but then she froze. Laurie asked me why, and I said it was because of what I was currently holding in my heart. My state of mind was affecting the energy of the room to such an extent that it was effectively putting Tar in standby mode. As long as I stayed present, she couldn't touch us. I think we said one or two more things here, but then i repeated that "we've done all we can, let's not worry about this anymore tonight" and turned to leave. i somehow had "faded out" the back wall of the room so that it actually phased right into the forest bubble we had created before. so we all walked out and it closed behind us safely
- (boss said he needed to get back to work, but then he got this brilliantly mischievous smile and said "oh, why the heck not." then he told me to come over and actually gave me a quick kiss?? platonic mind you, haha. it was the best thing, then he pulled my sandman hat down over my eyes and laughed, "consider that an early christmas present!" before teleporting off. i could not stop grinning, laurie was cracking up
-
-
- (decided the night wouldn't be complete without seeing how genesis was doing, so we went to his cathedral)
- (remember the mirrors, he was explaining how he had them working currently: only reflected relevant truths: but both personal and universal, to to speak. i.e. if one considered a falsehood about themselves to be true, that would still show up in the mirror as it needed to be confronted with actual truth)
- (i think we were discussing laurie's scars and how we had healed them, but either way, genesis asked me if there was any way i could heal his chest gem. he was dead serious, said he would rather risk closing it than having to deal with the pain it kept bringing him. since i was severely sleep-deprived my mind was in "nothing is impossible" mode so i did try... i remember 'threading' the cracks back together as well as i could. i did close it tentatively but i don't know how it held; i haven't seen genesis today)
-

...

Jezebel has been EXTREMELY vicious all day today, but I'm still doing everything I can to smile and remind myself that her actions aren't mine. I'm stronger than she is; I just need to remember that, and act upon it.
This is the 21st and we're moving on up whether she likes it or not!

(today was basically the universe saying "hey dude! you chose to take the next step, well here's the biggest thing still holding you back." so i'm thankful that this was pointed out but it is somewhat tiring to deal with so much at once!)
(maybe mention how julie's been having a rough time too? or save that for tomorrow, it's a lot of info to discuss)

Nevertheless, I'm happy. I know that all these shadows aren't real; I've had that proven to me time and time again.
It snowed all day today but it didn't start sticking until the evening. Somehow that reminded me of myself, right now... continuing on despite the cold and rain and wind, even if I don't see any results... and then, when things look bleak, suddenly the results do show, and I can't help but smile.

Big shifts take three days to settle, usually. This will linger on through my anniversary. Fitting, I daresay.
Come Christmas, I wonder what lights will be shining in us?
In my heart, I know that whatever happens, it will be for the absolute highest good of us all.
And that's really all I need to keep moving forward.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH WALDORF KALLIOPE JEWEL LIGHTRAYE
XENOPHON LEPHISE  CHAOS ZERO GENESIS APOLYMIS



All right, let's get this show on the road.

What are we discussing dad?

Uh, whatever things we need to clear up or clear out before Friday.

Do you have a list?

Kind of. We should really introduce you first, though.

Already ahead of you! Hey readers, I'm Waldorf, Jewel's old muse and new blue headvoice! Woo!

Yeah! She's really nice guys.

Can I just say that I find it hilarious that we always shout out to the invisible audience?

Hey, someone's gotta acknowledge them.

Whatever you say kid. But let's get back on track. First topic is?

Let me check... there's a few things here we need to wait until later to discuss, when Chaos and Genesis get in here.

Chaos and Genesis are talking too? When?

After you and Wally leave.

Awww I wanna talk to daddy too!

You can talk to your other dad later, Xen. The four of us need to discuss some heavy stuff later and no offense, but I think you'd just get confused.

Mmph. Probably. Fine.

Hehe, she's pouting.

I'm pouting cause I wanna talk to you guys about that stuff too!

Xennie, really, if it was a topic you could deal with I'd invite you. But it's not. So chill out, you're not missing much.

Fiiine.

Fiiiiiine!

So fine, you don't even know.

Hee!

Hey, no injokes. We're on a time limit here.

We are?

Yeah. It's already 4PM and Jewel's sick. These sessions take like six bloody hours without interruptions, so we can't spare a moment today.

Can we talk for fun some other day then?

I'd love to actually. Hey Jewel?

Yeah?

When January rolls around, you wanna try the one-talk-a-week thing that fell through last year?

Heck yes.

Good. I'm holding you to that, then.

Please do.

On that note. Topic one, unity. Right?

Yeah. Inside and out, really.

You mean like talking to us more?

Obviously. With the 21st going down in two days, which is going to be incredible, we all need to put more effort into spending time with each other. No more solo acts, no more hiding in the corners. That goes for all of us. Genesis included.

I've been taking steps toward that, as you know.

Why, is Genesis hiding?

No, he's just not around. Not in Central at least.

Why?

Spending time with people who are also outside of it, which I'm not happy about either. You know, we really should go back to the daily roll call as well, or whatever the heck you called that.

The nightly meetings you mean?

Yes. Those helped a heck of a lot. Problem is they started turning into a whole different thing when Chaos, Genesis and I were the only ones who showed up.

Ooh, what sort of thing?

Don't giggle at me, you know exactly what I mean.

That's why I'm giggling, duh!

Fine. But back to unity. Jewel, I think our biggest concern is actually downstairs in that respect.

That's kind of tough. I mean I spend time with my family as much as I can, but this is a small c--

I don't mean right now. I mean in the future. Yeah, there's not many people around here. But take the bloody effort to connect with people anyway. Go hang out in coffeeshops and type like you used to or something.

Also I'll be getting a new job soon, hopefully.

Hopefully is right. I know you have mental trouble with the mask thing. But we'll get you a job somewhere, kid. Just don't worry about that right now. Too much other stuff is happening, that's more important than a job right now.

Ironically.

It's not ironic at all. It's the truth and you know it.

Ah, can we go back to the unity bit?

Sure. You have something to say?

Not really. But communication is my playing field. For a while I know that's what kept Jewel from 'unity' with people downstairs.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Then what is? You're saying go out and connect with people--

Yeah, but you don't need to talk to do that. Everyone's already united, we just need to be aware of it. Right?

Exactly.

So, do that. Go out and be that. That's all I'm concerned about right now, is you sharing this. I know that's all you want.

It is.

Then do it. Simple as that.

Even if he's not talking? How does that work?

You don't need to say anything if the goal is already accomplished, Waldorf. I mean sure, he can talk, but that's not the most important thing. Let's put it this way... say he goes into a public place and no one wants to so much as look at him. Who cares? Focus on unity anyway. Heck, do that whether you're around people or not! But we need to be around people to do that more effectively now, I think. I don't know.

No, it makes sense. This is an isolated little house up here, and too much of that doesn't help one's worldview at all. You can't say you love people and then never be around them, so to speak.

Exactly. So you get it. Wally, Xennie, how about you?

I get it! I wanna see more people too, they're cool. As long as they don't step on me.

They won't step on you, you're too fast.

Hee hee!

Where could Jewel go, though? It's not like he's in school anymore.

He's trying to go back in the spring, you know.

Oh, that's true then? I thought we were just considering it?

Nope, as long as we've got the cash, we're going.

Awesome!

Tell me about it. All right then, second point? Jewel?

Hold up, I want to add one more thing to the unity bit.

Sure, what is it?

I'm thinking that might actually tie into my metainomen in a significant sense?

What, the Seer of Love? How's that?

Well, you said, "everyone's already united, we just need to be aware of it." But awareness of that unity is only possible through love, and through seeing with love. That's what connects every heart, beyond all superficial and temporal differences. In the end, love surpasses it all, with golden threads of eternity, and here I go getting poetic, haha.

No dad that's good!! I like when you get all poet-y. It's pretty.

Thanks, sweetheart. But yeah, that's what I'd be doing with other people, as a "Seer," in the sense of helping other people remember unity. "Seer" is a Biblical role, after all-- it's someone who has been blessed with divine visions, for the sake of God's people, to help guide them in the Way of Love. I hope I'm not mangling the definition, I know I'm being a bit loose with the language...

Nah, I'm getting the gist of it. But that's an important point, too-- it's an active role. You don't just see those things for your own entertainment. They're given to you, to be shared, for a greater purpose. 

And that purpose is, ultimately, unity. Colossians 3:14, really. Everything God gives us is meant to bring us into His Heart, through love, as one people. And that's just... the most important thing in the world, really, even up here in headspace. We, very specially as a System, exist FOR love and unity. It's the baseline of what we are, and who we are. So... as a Seer, I'd be doing what I'm trying to do now, haha.

Helping other people see love?

Basically. He's blessed with these insights and he rambles on about them like that and we're all better off for it.

Thanks, Laurie. I know I can get verbose.

I'm serious, kid. Don't bottle that stuff up. Your heart is motivated by love, too, remember. You can't bear the name without being it, in a very real sense. And believe me, Jewel, we all know how much love you've got in you. 

...That means a lot. Really it does. Because I don't want this name to be about "me," that's the whole point. I want it to be about unity. About us. I want everyone to see what I can see. 

See, kid knows what I'm talking about.

Am I still a Maid of Blood, dad?

As far as I'm aware, yeah, because of the symbolic significance of the wordplay, to be honest.

What, like "made of blood"? Why's that?

Because she wouldn't exist if it weren't for all the blood we literally lost beforehand.

Not only that, but think about what blood symbolizes. That's unity, too, in a very intrinsic sense. It's life. In Scripture it's the very means of redemption. It's a deeply holy thing, as morbid as it may seem to some. There's just so much purpose and meaning to it. You cannot take it lightly.

Tell me about it, kid, that's a huge part of my existence, too. And yours.

Yeah. But Xennie's a "maid" because, well, that title speaks to purity but also service. Like, she gives those attributes to others, in caring for them? It's hard to put into words. But I felt that when she got the name, how it summarized the hugeness of her existence, the terrible beauty of it, as well as the gentle tenderness of it. 

Dad I think you're still talking poetry!

Heh, if he is it's only because he loves you so much, kiddo.

I know. :> I love you too dad!

Thank you, sweetheart. I'm glad you can hear that in my words.

Hence your metainomen, case in point!

Hee! Yeah it is. But thank you for telling me about my name too dad, cuz that was important for me and you too and I just wanna make sure I still have it and it still works!!

'Course it still works, kid. No need to worry about that. Okay, third-- no, wait, second point.

Haha, yeah, we didn't exactly get there yet.

Do you guys always dance around the actual conversation like this?

Old habits are hard to break.

Sorry, Waldorf. My brain just likes to jump all over the place. Kind of like Xennie.

Yeah except your brain is mean sometimes! I'm not mean.

No you're not, love. So you can take over for my brain if you want.

What no!! I can't do that dad!

I'm just kidding, sweetheart.

Oh.

At least we're talking.

See, Waldorf, you need to open your eyes a little more on this topic.

What topic? Unity?

Ironically yes, but not exactly. See, maybe we are jumping around topics. But Jewel thinks like a frickin' firework. All over the place, but when you step back and look at these disjointed pieces, then whoa, it actually looks pretty nice. His brain really does work like that.

So... not staying on topic actually helps him understand things?

Yeah, because I absorb info passively, like a sponge.

Like a Seer.

Maybe that too, yeah. But it's true. I constantly go off on tangents because I'm following single threads that other people may or may not find relevant. But those threads tend to stick together, into a larger tapestry of sorts. Even if I have to weave the darn thing. Point is I think and talk better when there's no structure.

No surprise that you ended up "married" to Chaos himself then.

You have a point.

Does daddy think like that too?

Chaos? I don't think so, actually. He tends to pick one thing and stick to it doggedly. Sure, he might go off on tangents, but there's always that central goal in mind. For me, not so much. I'm just a wanderer on all fronts.

You two are just this brilliant paradox, I swear.

We are indeed. But really, let's continue on topic for once. I feel kind of bad for Wally over there.

Really, I'm just happy to be talking. It's been rough lately with that chest cold of yours!

Yeah, how the heck are you so sensitive to the physical? That's Spine's domain.

Be cauuuse, I'm the one who deals with communication. That's not strictly physical Laurie. Remember when you were in 7th grade, Jewel, how I didn't always talk much?

Yeah. But you got a lot louder in 8th grade!

Because who did you meet then? Ryou, Marik, and Chaos! You were being more you. You were communicating more honestly, at least upstairs. So I could talk more. And I was able to reach out through media better, too. Then, though, high school started, and you slipped, and I kind of faded into some murky void for a while...

You didn't actually die, did you?

No, I was just really really quiet! Jewel stopped typing, which I was basically anchored to back then, so I lost almost all my staying power. I don't think I started to come back until 2008 or so.

Thanks to this website!

Thanks to all the typing, yeah! But I guess I had the wrong sort of energy for the new system. And Natalie-- Nathaniel?-- was blue at first anyway.

And he was born because of reflection disassociation, which was a direct result of communication dishonesty.

So you see what I mean!

We know all this stuff, Wally, you don't need to recap.

Well I felt like it. The point is that I'm affected whenever Jewel has communications problems now in any sense, because I want to be. I really tied myself into this space when Jewel opened that road to me. I wanted to come back, so I did.

Took you a little while to stabilize, though.

I heard that's normal for the blue slot.

It is, but that ain't cool. It shows we have a big problem with that color that hasn't been solved well enough yet. Still, the fact that you're talking with us now is a big reassurance.

I'm not using Looney Tunes signs!

Those were cute.

They were! But I like talking too.

Okay, point taken. Back to the discussion... or not, that depends entirely on what Jewel's brain wants to do now. Or Xenophon, who the heck knows.

I'm not being daddy's brain, that's silly.

You're adorable. And it was just a joke, love.

I know, but it's true.

Also, can I just mention that I love how you're not fazed by Laurie swearing?

Because it's Laurie! She always swears.

She makes my language kid-friendly, too, when she's passing on messages. It's hilarious.

Does she? How?

Like she says "butt" instead of "ass." It's gold.

Because it is a butt!!

Also we've realized that most "cusswords" are really just a fiercer way of saying stuff in general, when I'm not using them as an accent.

I love how you use profanity as accents.

Hey, it works.

Sugar, spice, and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of...

Yeah, but I'm the flask full of Chemical X because I am whoopass incarnate.

You can't get ye flask.

Joke's on you, I am the flask. What now?

I'm certainly not going to tell thou.

Darn it.

Hee hee!

Seriously, topic two. Waldorf, how about you pick one?

Me?

I don't see anyone else in here named Waldorf, do you?

Very funny, Laurie. Okay, um... wait, what sorts of things do you guys usually discuss in here?

You asked to be part of a session without knowing what we talk about? Come on, Wally.

I know what you talk about, geez! But you told me earlier that there weren't any standout troubles to work through.

Nothing standout, no. At least not in this half of the discussion. God knows what'll happen later. But that doesn't mean there's nothing to discuss. Go on, throw something at us.

Figuratively?

Heck, if you want to literally throw something then do that too, I don't mind.

'Kay, catch!

Did you just throw your chair??

Hey, she said throw something.

Laurie how did you even catch a chair!!

Easy, like this. You wanna take notes, get a bloody pen. Wally, you ain't gettin' this back now, y'hear?

Fine, enjoy your superfluous chair. I'll just... I'll just sit on this entire couch, how's that?

Hey, you're not allowed to sit on the couch!

Watch me!

We are probably confusing that invisible audience something fierce right now.

I don't care, man, this is funny.

I'm sitting on the co-ouch! I'm getting cyber-cooties all over it and there's nothing you can do abooouut iiit!

Cyber cooties?

Uh, yeah, cause of my hair?

Fair enough.

So basically you're just getting your hair all over the couch. What the heck, Waldorf.

Hahaha!

You're all silly.

That's the name of the game son. All right, now that miss blueface is gone, let's keep talking business for once.

Hey-- no fair, you're doing that on purpose!

Yep, that we are. S'what you get for sitting on the couch. Don't you stick your tongue out at me.

Mmleuh. I'll do what I want.

Fine. Be that way.

And give me my chair back.

No, you threw this furniture at me, finder's keepers.

Then I'll just sit over here!

Fine.

Fine!

I wish I had a camera right now.

You've got a Xanga session, that's even better.

He's been writing this down??

Yeah, that's what he does.

Ffff-- I'm sorry, I just derailed this worse than any of you guys did, then!

Yes, you did. Congratulations, here's your award.

Ooh, thank you!

Laurie.

What?

I don't-- there's no visual accompaniment to these shenanigans, our readers are missing out.

Fine. I picked up a Christmas tree from this table and handed it to Waldorf, because she's the prettiest princess in all the land.

Princess of chairs!

There you go, that's gonna be your metainomen. Let's move on.

What, no! That doesn't even make sense!

I don't care, kiddo, you dug that grave, now you gotta sit in the thing. In that chair.

Dun dun dun!!

Xenophon is giggling up a storm over this, that's pretty funny too.

You're funnier!

No, you are.

Nuh-uh, I'm a brain, and brains are silly.

Oh, snap. Jewel, your daughter just won the game.

What game?

The game.

Just play along with it, Xennie, we're all crazy up here.

You're the worst, boy.

No kidding!

And we all get it from you!

Things just got meta.

Times two.

Can I sit here for the rest of the session, actually?

Sure, I don't care. You're gonna have to move when Chaos comes in though, or Genesis, whoever I feel like messing with today.

Chaos. I think Genesis was messed with enough yesterday.

Okay, that was terrible.

Hey, you're laughing too!

Because it's funny, dammit.

You know, I actually don't mind getting this far off topic when stuff like this happens.

Same here.

What were we even talking about?

Stuff.

Basically.

Didn't you have stuff on your Blurty though, dad?

I have lots of stuff on there.

No, I mean stuff to talk about! You know what I mean.

I know, just teasing you. Couldn't resist. But she's right, actually. Mind if I check that real quick?

Sure, go right ahead.

Okay, let's see... all right, I put a small list together in November, but... Laurie, we just solved this first point, at least according to Chaos, didn't we?

Hm... yeah, I'd say so.

Really?

Uh, yes? Why the heck else would you be in such brilliant spirits lately? You've pretty much let go of that, thank God.

All right. Guess I just wanted your agreement on that.

And you got it.

Fantastic. Oh, and the second point deals with you, Wally?

Does it?

Yeah: it was about how, when I get confused by my emotions or thoughts, I tend to go mute.

Ohhh yeah, I hate that.

Pff.

I do! It's kind of scary, actually.

I hear ya. Just laughing at how immediate that reaction was.

Is that when you have to talk with signs?

Mm-hmm.

Wish I could do that.

You can dad, you'd just need a lot of signs.

Still need that cyberpunk gas mask of yours, though.

Hey, after Christmas, that's the first thing I'm allowing myself to buy. Mark my words. I found a really cool respirator that should work perfectly.

Sounds good. But the mute thing, that hasn't happened lately, has it?

No, because I haven't been talking.

Ah.

That helps?

Yeah. Speech, for me, is actually confusing no matter what I'm doing, thanks to my weird personal perspective.

Which is weird as heck upstairs.

You're not affected by it, are you?

Not directly, but I can feel your awareness moving around the room. There's a problem when you start looking through my eyes, which you have done unconsciously. That's what's weird as heck.

Sorry. It's just that sometimes you're looking in the direction I want to look.

Which is often at yourself.

I can only emote properly when I'm seeing myself in the third person, it seems. Otherwise I get too deeply into the other person's expressions, and that gets really confusing because of my "I'm always in 3rd person" thing.

Oh, wait, now I get it.

What?

If you see yourself in third person, then looking at other people must play havoc on your physical identity downstairs.

And it does.

Geez.

Has that always happened?

Unconsciously, but yes, to a very strong extent. It wasn't until 2008, when headspace became a thing, that I started to solidify into my own "self-expression," or in other words, the pseudo-physical manifestation of the energy that makes me me.

It had been a Klonoa-haired mess for about six years prior to that.

Oh geez, yeah. That's actually why I stopped drawing myself like that around 2004. It clashed loudly with my inner "feeling" and I couldn't explain why, which was deeply unsettling.

Took us years to figure out why, too.

Yeah, but that's fixed now.

How about downstairs? Not identifying with that, are you?

No, but it's severely confusing still, because when I'm not around people, I can't see myself in third person unless I'm looking in a mirror, and then I'm not looking at me... so unless I strongly project my own energy signature over the body, it's very easy to slip.

Have you been slipping?

No. At least I don't think so. I don't splinter anymore, but you know how sometimes I end up in that hyper-energy mode that isn't me either?

You think that's a splinter?

I don't know, but it's definitely not me, because it leaves a bad taste in my mouth whenever it shows up, figuratively.

That's how you acted back in 2003, though, right?

For the most part, except for things like incidents with the guys, for obvious reasons. When I wasn't with them, then I was basically in that mode. And it didn't feel genuine back then, either.

Well that's not Jess, and it's not Jezebel either... sure as heck isn't Razor...

Razor is actually very similar. She's the same energetic vibe, but kicked up to eleven.

Kicked up to eleven thousand, you mean. Razor's a frickin psychopath.

True.

Daddy, the person you drew yourself as back then... if that wasn't you, who was it?

It was him back then, kid, if only because he identified with it then.

It was a purely constructed physical identity.

Yeah, I know.

But you're right, actually. There were very strong pieces of me in there. It was just... like looking in a funhouse mirror, I suppose. It was close enough to pass, but there was always something off about it.

And you think that the reflection in the mirror is that person, now that Nat's out of it?

Maybe. I dunno. Maybe it's just an echo at this point. It's rarely a problem now though.

That's good, then. Still, I am concerned about the obvious communication problems this is presenting.

Tell me about it! Is that only happening because of his perspective?

Mostly. But also because it's body dysphoria. Not the splinter-inducing sort, but the oddly static sort that's all "I don't hate this body, and it's actually not so bad, but the problem is that it isn't me! " I know identifying with the body is false anyway, but I can't yet seem to figure out how to overcome it in this lingering sense.

Question. Remember that time you channeled yourself to talk to your grandmother?

...Dude you think that could work?

Heck yes, it works when you channel us, and we look nothing like this body. So try doing that from now on. Consciously channel yourself, so that you're actually driving instead of plugging in commands from upstairs. That's probably why we're getting an echo.

Who drives if Jewel isn't in there, though?

No one, really. It's mostly automated. The only time Tar gets in is if there's a conscious slip, or fallout, and we don't get those anymore.

Ironically, those only happen if I'm driving, and then I leave.

Yeah, if you're not really in there, the bloody thing goes into standby, but then it's neutral ground.

What does that mean?

It means it's basically Switzerland. Neither upstairs or underground can hijack it unless Jewel gives the green light, and if he's not there, then nothing happens.

Which is why I like listening to music when I'm slipping. It removes me from the obligatory driver's seat, and therefore nullifies any hacking influences.

Because they go through you.

Yeah.

Why do they only go after dad?

Because he's the anchor consciousness here, whether he likes it or not. He's the one that needs the body to do things in this life. The rest of us up here are either walk-ins, who aren't technically anchored here at all, or headvoices, like myself, who are nonphysical and can't leave headspace for good unless we've got a bloody death wish.

Wait, really? I didn't know that.

It's true, Wal. Probably more true for Julie and I, but it affects you too. We're made of the same stuff that makes headspace exist, after all. And we're all anchored to Jewel by choice.

Hm. I guess you're right.

You know I'm right. That's how this works. The only person I can't figure out is Xennie, because the circumstances of her creation were just seriously weird.

I was born up here though, wasn't I?

No, Jewel found you in a sink, downstairs, half-dead, like a bloody dumpster baby.

Hey, I would never--

I didn't say you'd do anything of the sort. Fact is, you remember who was trying to abort every creation you had around that time?

...

Xenophon couldn't form on her own upstairs because she had two dads, of course, but also because it was too dangerous with Julie still lurking around. At least that's what I figure.

So you think her energy was slowly coalescing downstairs?

I don't know, why the heck else would she show up there instead of here?

I still don't think it was downstairs. I see Jewel Monsters downstairs all the time, but they're ghosting. Xennie seemed to be stuck between realms when I found her. Like, she couldn't stick upstairs so she showed up-- oh dude, now I get it!

What?

Its obvious. That sink has held way too much of my blood over the years. It's probably an energy sink, pun intended, as a result. I was a mess in 2011, thanks to failed suicide fallout and the psych ward. I stopped cutting though, and maybe that played a part in Xenophon showing up there instead?

How? Because of the blood?

Maybe. Maybe that's all it boils down to, was the fact that it all revolved around blood. Hence her eventual metainomen. For ages, blood to me was a sign of contrition, of heart-rending remorse, of agony. But blood is also a sign of life. For me to be leaking out life for ages, to atone for lives lost...

I get it.

Didn't you say I was the... the hundredfold thing, dad?

Yeah. Which is really what I'm just trying to reiterate, in different words.

Hm.

And I'll never forget what I said on the night of March 12th, either... I quote, "I hope to God that tomorrow is merciful." And it was.

Maybe that was all she needed to show up.

Maybe.

I'm glad I showed up dad, no matter how I did it.

Yeah. Me too.

I'm beginning to like listening, actually.

Was that passive-aggressiveness I just heard, princess?

No, I honestly do enjoy listening to you two talk. It's kind of fun.

Even when we're talking about bloody memories like this?

Well it obviously doesn't hurt anymore, so yeah. It's honest now. I like honesty.

So does Jo. No wonder you two are dating.

*shrug* We get along!

What the-- did you just make this conversation more surreal that it already was?

Huh?

You put a freaking asterisk action in there.

Because otherwise you can't tell I'm shrugging!

Watch this turn into a Sonic Chat when Chaos comes in.

You know what, fine. Don't blame me when this degenerates into drunken lunacy.

Hey, it would be fun!

Not today.

Aw.

Dad what's a Sonic Chat like?

It's insane. Don't do it.

Were you ever in one?

No, thank God.

I don't think Laurie could handle the utter lack of coherency and rules in those things.

I've seen them.

You have?

Here and there, yeah! Plus I was technically in a few when I was still trying to anchor, too.

Oh yeah, I suppose you were!

I also remember when you used to have thought chats in 8th grade, ha ha!

Geez, don't bring those up, they were ridiculous.

Can we get back to the actual conversation now?

Sure. I was just contemplating what a Xanga Chat session would be like, and I think I broke my brain.

Does that mean I have to do that job now?

Kiddo, you look so adorably disappointed about that, it's priceless. And no, you don't.

I just don't want dad's brain breaking for real. That would be bad.

Yeah, mister Prince of Mind.

That's only if I invert, and only according to one test result!

Still legit, bro. You be careful.

Will do.

What's next on the discussion board though?

Dysphoria. I think we just covered that, actually.

See, this is why tangents are good.

Point taken.

Huh! I guess that does work.

It does! But I don't know, should we star point 2 just in case it comes back?

What, the muteness? No, because if you remember to channel yourself, that shouldn't be a problem.

Ah.

Point 4 is "feeling worthless in the eyes of the world." I daresay that was Utah fallout, hm?

Mostly.

You over that yet, kid?

Yeah. That's also why I've been so happy lately. I'm not judging myself anymore.

Let's bring up Utah again real quick. I know you were discussing this with me earlier, but I want to make sure it's written down. What are you missing about that, for real?

Being around people that knew what I've been through over the past few years, and didn't treat me as insane because of it.

I thought you said that was a double-edged sword?

It was. Because I think they knew the 'old me' better than they did the real me? Which is understandable, because there are hundreds of Julie-era records online, which no longer apply to who I am. Anyway that's not important, and it's not what's bothering me.

Then what is?

The fact that those two were the first and only people on this planet that knew my dark past, accepted my inner reality as true, AND cared about me more than I had ever dared imagine. The problem was that it was sadly one-sided; I didn't know them, even after several years! I gave them huge amounts of who I was, and never got the same in return. So when they suddenly cut all contact with me last month, saying they "didn't understand me," it hurt because so much time and effort was lost. These were the only two people I had EVER been close friends with down here. So having all that just collapse after so long was highly disorienting. I have no idea how to make friends; they were both instances of sheer luck, and maybe that was the fatal break in the chain holding it together.

Possibly. I daresay that lack of understanding really stung the most, though.

Only because I would have put money on those two never saying it. I've had everyone else throw those words at me before, practically-- teachers, doctors, acquaintances, parents-- and then, when I finally found two people who got the weirdest stuff, they STILL were unable to understand me enough to actually be around me without distress. Which confuses me because I really don't understand what they don't get, but oh well. These things happen.

So you've let go?

Yeah. I mean, I miss them on an intellectual level, but that's about it. It's not genuine and it would be dishonest to complain about it.

What do you mean by "it's not genuine?"

I don't miss them. I miss the experience of having people call me by my real name, and stuff like that. That says a lot about our relationship, actually, and it's probably why it fell through. I feel that's my fault, though. Melody called me selfish several times, and I understand why, but to be honest it always felt one-sided in my favor and I thought that was mostly intentional?

The heck do you mean?

They kept saying I was moving "for my benefit," in one way or another. I guess the way they kept wording things made me assume that they were putting a disproportionate amount of focus on me. So when I moved out there, I kind of assumed that was the reality, when I was actually smothering them with my presence, especially with all my troubles and oddities. I guess none of us thought the situation through, again, and I am sorry that it happened that way. But like I said, all that's in the past, and it's over now. I've washed my hands of it, and frankly I'd like to not discuss it anymore as a result. No hard feelings, but I'm honestly tired of digging up something that's already buried.

Fine by me, I was just double-checking that you were over it.

I am, believe me. Took a little while, but we're good.

Just want to mention that the whole trip was an overwhelmingly positive experience, though.

Oh geez, it was. I absolutely loved my time out there, at least what I remember of it. My memory likes to remember snapshots and that's it, which does bias it towards the positive, but hey. I'm not complaining, because now when I look back I just smile.

Good to hear.

Point 5 is doubt, and that was crushed thanks to Utah as well, thank you old friends.

Seriously, that was beautiful.

I even got to talk to you!

Twice, you moron!

Haha, yeah, sorry about that first time.

Don't, it's awesome to look back on for me too. Distressing as ever at the time, but I'd be lying if said it's not fun to remember.

You threw me like a chair!

I kind of did, haha.

I wish I had showed up earlier, it sounds like you had fun out there.

We made smoke pancakes!

Oh dude yes! That was absolutely hilarious!

Was that the day you had the porch door open in freezing weather all evening?

Yes, I couldn't stop laughing. I had like four fans on too. And I was sitting on the living room table eating smoke pancakes with Xennie and just cracking up. We just had a horrible stove in that kitchen, to say the absolute least.

Remember the day we went for the walk to Turiyas, dad??

Of course I do, that was stunning.

We made rose potions!!

I remember that. And you, you ridiculous romantic, you were picking roses for like an entire week in October for every day you didn't see Chaos.

Yeah, I had wanted to give them to him when Jacob finally channeled him again, but unfortunately that didn't pan out. However I do remember that on the last night I had my Bible Study, two days before I flew out, Chaos walked home with me so I picked him a rose right there and told him about my plan, haha.

Man I wish I could've seen his face.

It was one of those moments I wish I could have filmed, yeah. Just gorgeous honest moments like that.

I sure missed a LOT out there, gosh.

Sorry, love. I wish I lived closer to an actual place I could walk around, so that we could have grand adventures together here too. Then again, school always seems to fit that bill.

Genesis is a lucky man.

Xenophon too, remember she ghosted with me a lot last semester.

I did! And I always ran up the stair railings.

Because you're silly.

Noooo I don't wanna be a brain dad!!

Hahaha!

Is this going to be an injoke? Please say yes.

Yes.

Thank God. I love nonsense like this.

Speaking of injokes... Laurie.

Come on, man, that one's not supposed to be publicized!

Which one?

Jewel and I randomly decided one evening that I am an injoke. Just me, because why the heck not.

And you just publicized it, shame on you.

I don't give a damn, Kanye shrug, cool sunglasses gif, and that's enough injokes for now.

She actually put on shades, by the way.

Yeah, Laurie, it's like this! *puts on the sunglasses* *DEAL WITH IT*

Oh what the heck, Waldorf.

You really despise those asterisks, haha.

It feels so frickin weird!

Daddy, can we get back to talking? I wanna see my other dad before it gets too late.

The kid has a point.

Ssh!!!

Heh. But sure, kid. Jewel, is there anything more to discuss that doesn't involve a certain blue dude being in the room to contribute?

Uh, hm... not really? Since my death drive and stomach void are pretty much gone, I--

Pretty much gone?

Well, there's still a bit of each, but they aren't affecting me actively. I think they're just fading.

They'd better be. I'm just concerned that you still want to die this Friday, even, though that's not going to happen.

Dad why do you want to die?? You can't die like that!

I don't know what I want. It's just homesickness is all. It's waking up in the morning and not knowing how to deal with a world that's still angry and ignorant to unity and compassion in so many places.

That's changing, kid. You don't need to die to begin again.

I know. So maybe that's all I have to, is remember that, and keep on trucking.

But daddy, you can't die, because you're already home up here.

Home is where the heart is, and vice versa.

Yeah. That too.

Don't leave your kid without a father.

I won't. I swear I won't.

Please, dad.

Cross my heart, Xennie.

Okay. Cause I worry about you, you know.

I know.

I actually worry about you too, whether you know it or not.

Really?

Sure! Remember 7th grade? The crystals in the sky?

Dude, of course I remember that, that was one of the most beautiful dreams I've ever had!

And who was it that promised to take you back there one day? You, and Ryou, and Maitru, and me?

...

Yeah. I plan on keeping that promise, one day, when I figure out how. I'm trying. But I can't do that for you if you die, either.

Daddy, what's she talking about?

You know that forest I always talk about, the one I call "there?" On top of the icy mountain, with crystals in the air?

The dream place? Is that the one that looks out over dad's old home?

Yeah.

Wait, what does it look out over?

You know in Sonic Adventure, when you visit Mystic Ruins in the past as Amy? And if you look out over the edge of the cliff, you can see a river running through the rainforest below? For some reason, that view is the absolute closest anything has come to the view from the crystal forest in that dream. I took a rough screenshot from Youtube, here, in case anyone else wants to see it.

Wow. I had no idea, actually.

But because of the obvious emotional significance of that fact, and the way dreamspace tends to form around those things, I personally believe it's the exact same view.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Maybe we should bring him along next time, if I can figure out how to get us back there.

When, not if. You said you made a promise.

Hehe, I did. When I figure out how, then.

Daddy I wanna come too!

Then consider yourself on the list, love.

Yay!

Not to cut this short, but for like the fifth time, is there anything else we need to discuss before we bring the two maniacs in here? It's getting late.

My dad's not a maniac.

You haven't seen him drunk.

She has a point. Don't worry though, we've learned to keep him away from the champagne.

And Genesis away from the eggnog.

I remember that!

Funniest moment in a grocery store ever, that was.

What?

He literally grabbed a carton of eggnog off the shelf last year and drank it, right in the middle of the aisle. Of course no one could see him but me, but it was hilarious.

I'm still deadset on getting him and Chaos into a drinking contest one day, solely to see the results of it.

That needs to be recorded, whenever it happens.

Soon. Your anniversary is this Sunday, and New Year's is barely two weeks away.

Oh my gosh, don't tell me you're planning to trump last January...

Seriously, I am. I don't care how terrified I am, something is going to happen.

That's going to be amazing. Wow. You've got me stupidly excited now.

Good. Merry Christmas, because I don't know what the heck is going to go down then.

You said it!

You two say a lot.

*flips you off*

Ahahaha!! Yesss!!

Daadddyyy.

Yes sweetheart?

Can we get Chaos in here soon please? I'm getting tired.

She's right, we suck at holding actual conversations when there's no actual list to go from. Jewel, you said we were done as far as casual discussion goes, correct?

Aye-aye, captain. The only thing we need to do is a recap, and that can wait until after Christmas.

No kidding, Sunday alone is going to need an update of its own, I'll tell you that already.

Oh you don't even know. No matter what happens, it's going to be gorgeous.

What needs to be recapped?

Basically all the stuff that's happened since June.

Whoa. How long is that going to take?

Not as long as you think. Knowing Jewel, he'll want to skim over Utah, save for the obviously relevant bits, which can easily be summarized since vocabulary doesn't do them much justice anyway.

Tell me about it.

July, I dunno. The heck even happened in July?

A lot, actually. June and July were the end of the semester, and the tiny break before Utah, so the disconnect from headspace hit me hard and I was getting swamped by inner problems.

Problems that we've solved since then, I hope?

Basically. There is an old entry with a huge list of 'em, but I'll review that on my own time and get back to you on it.

Sounds cool. Anything else?

Uh... just lots of media synchronicity and Dream World work, it looks like, as I had a major creativity burst in June. So I didn't update much during those two months. But we didn't talk much between January and June, either.

We did discuss the 17th, if that's what you're thinking of.

I know, that was painful. But we didn't discuss the Daley nights, or Island, or Holy Saturday, or having to let go of everything in one sense or another. And a lot happened with Celebi over the spring and summer in any case, so I think she deserves a more significant mention here. All our outspacers do.

Fair enough. But really, kid, I don't think a lot of early 2012 needs to be discussed again?

Not discussed, just recapped. Just mentioned to give the invisible audience a rough idea of what the heck's been going on this year, in our absence. Because a lot has been going on, even if it's been mostly behind the scenes.

Yeah, now that you mention it, we've made some insane progress since January.

We have. But I dunno, I think a few of these points deserve a revisit, looking back on some of these old entries... even if it's only a reread on my part.

Well, don't get mired down in old thoughts. Capisce?

I hear you, yeah. But I did a heck of a lot of spiritual practice this spring because of how desperate I was. I didn't realize it until now, but although the medium changed, I'm still getting the same effects?

Now you're getting the meditation feeling without meditating, which is good.

Yeah. Now I don't have to be in a church to feel like I'm in one, if that makes sense.

It does.

Sorry guys, we're talking too much again.

You said you were done but you're not!

We suck at finishing things, that's a fact at this point.

Do I have to take my chair and leave?

You try and I'll break your fingers.

Haha.

Wally, you seem oddly unfazed by Laurie's personality.

Hey, you remember what I acted like back around 2003!

Point.

Why, what'd she act like? You keep referencing things before my time so I'm not sure.

Like a non-swearing, harmlessly violent version of you, almost.

What.

I've calmed down since then, hehe. Just a little.

Yeah, the void tends to do that to ya. But man, I might have to hang out with you more now.

Haha!

Ooh, if you do, can I hang out with her too? I like her, she's nice.

Sure, kid, whatever you say.

I love how you're like this stand-in parent for Chaos and I when we're not around.

Hey, I love this little dude just as much as you both, it's the least I can do.

Hee!

Speaking of Chaos, uh...

We swapping out the blues now?

Yep, you get your butt out of here before I toss you out with the chair.

*crosses arms* Try it.

You seriously provoking me?

Yeah! Go on, toss me.

Wally, she's gonna toss your butt out the door if you don't move first!

She won't, just watch. *sticks out tongue*

Oh, that's it, now you're asking for it.

You didn't do the asterisks!

You want asterisks? You can't handle these asterisks! *picks up chair and flings it*

Dude!!

Whaahhaha!! Nice one!

You're not supposed to jump out of it in midair!

You never said I couldn't! Hehe!

Don't make me flip this table.

Do it.

Laurie, don't trash the penthouse.

She started it.

Pfffahaha!!

Xennie, I'm sorry you have to watch these two maniacs.

No dad, it's okay, I'm just shocked that Wally jumped!

What do you think, 10 out of 10?

11!!

Woo!! Wait till I tell Jo, he's gonna flip.

Jo's my apprentice, you know, I'll throw a chair at him too if he pushes my buttons.

He'd throw it right back!

Good, then we'll make a game out of it.

Calvinball!!

Heheh, exactly.

No really, we need to switch the mood in a few minutes, so stop throwing the furniture and shake hands or something.

Are you serious? Come on, Jewel.

Be nice, Laurie.

Fine.

Yeah, you're lucky I'm not a real princess, or you'd be in trouble.

Hey, there's idea.

What?

A princess is an heir, right? So that would make you... an heir of chairs. 

Psh! Who am I inheriting the chairs from then?

Hm... Chaos.

Is he the king of getting on your nerves?

Pretty much. Speaking of...

I know, I know.

Daddy can I stay to say hi to him please??

Sure thing, love.

Guess that's my cue to go.

*salutes* Fare thee well, space princess.

*salutes back* Space princess of chairs!

Heck yeah, that's the spirit!

Haha, see, I catch on quick. *turns and waves goodbye*

Aaaand that's all, folks.

*holds up a sign that says "applause"*

*applauds!!*

Xennie, no exclamation points in the asterisks.

But it's a happy applauds!!

Okay, fine.

*bows* Thank you, thank you!

Oi! The door is behind you!

Don't ruin my exit!

Don't make me chase you down the hall.

Fine!

Come on guys, be nice.

I am being nice.

Really, it's been fun, Laurie.

Yeah, you too. Say hi to Jo for me.

With a chair?

Preferably, yes.

Haha, okay!

Not that one.

Not touching that one!

Good. Now make like a tree and get the heck out of here.

Pfff, whatever you say, couchmaster!

Couchmaster?

You wouldn't let her on the couch.

Yeah, but-- aah, whatever.

At least you had her laughing. That was awesome.

Why isn't Wally allowed on the couch?

She's allowed on it, I was just busting her.

Oh.

I do that to everyone.

I know, I was just asking because I wanna sit on the couch too.

Xennie, as far as I'm concerned, you can do whatever you want. The couch is yours. Knock yourself out.

Yay! Is it fluffy? It looks fluffy.

I can make it fluffy.

Make it fluffy dad!!

All right, here goes... aaand poof! Flufftastic.

Eeee!!

Now that's adorable.

Daddy it's sooo soooffft!!!!

That's the point, love. You want me to put a couch in your room like that?

Um! I don't know? It's kinda big, dad!

You can always camp out down here if you want, I'll keep an eye on you.

Mmkay Laurie. But I'm only gonna sleep in here until Daddy leaves.

Do we want her around while we're talking?

That's up to you.

Man, I dunno.

Let's ask the other dudes then.

Sounds like a plan. Call 'em in.

All right, hold on...

...

...Whose chair is this?

What chair?

This chair. In the middle of the floor.

Not my chair, not my problem.

Oh come on Laurie, now you're obviously responsible for this.

Fine, I threw it at Waldorf.

You threw it?

At Waldorf?

Well actually no, I threw it while she was still sitting in it.

...

Your face, right now, deserves to be framed. Just letting you know that.

Laurie, you are an absolute maniac.

Nah, I just get annoyed by blue people. You're cool though.

I've never seen you flip out at Ryou.

He's lucky, he's a nice kid. But just wait, one day he'll do something just annoying enough and bam, I'm gonna flip this entire table. Mark my words.

I think you'd traumatize him.

*shrug*

Did you just--?

Hi daddy!!

Oh-- hi Xenophon! You're still awake?

Yeah and this couch is really really comfy and I'm gonna sit on it aaallll the time now.

That couch was never that fluffed up before, was it?

Nope, just did that now. Tempted to leave it that way if she loves it so much.

Pleeeease pleasepleaseplease leave it fluffy!!!

I think we have a majority vote in favor of the fluff, Jewel.

Then it's settled. The fluff stays!

Whee!! Hahahaha.

She just fell over backwards onto it. That was adorable. You could've used asterisks, kid!

I didn't feel like it I just wanted to fluff!!

Is this asterisks thing new?

Yeah, blame Waldorf. It caught on quick.

Looks like it.

So, uh... are we talking?

That's actually what we were gonna ask you two. Xenophon wants to chill on the chair, but we weren't sure if she should stick around for this half of the conversation or not. Figure it was mostly up to you, Gen.

Um...

Genesis if you don't want me to stay I can go to bed. I probably just wanna sleep anyway.

That... could you, actually? This is going to be tough for me the way it is.

Mmkay. Let me just say goodnight to everybody. Couch first. *hugs!!*

Hahaha.

It's fluffy, Laurie!!

I know, you're just ridiculously cute.

I know you tell me that all the time.

That's cause it's true.

Okay. Good night Laurie.

'Night, kid. Sweet dreams and all that.

And good night to you Genesis! I'll wave at you from over here.

Haha, okay.

And now goodnight to my daaaad.

Hug attack?

Wha-- eeeee!!!!

Haha, I've wanted to do that for a while.

Heeheehee!!!

G'night, love. I'll come check on you later if you're still awake.

Probably not but I might wake up when you come in so okay. Now put me down, I gotta say goodnight to my other dad.

You want me to pick you up too?

Maybe. If you want.

Okay, you asked for it.

Eeeee!!

How much more adorable can this family get?

Is that a challenge?

Dad this is really high up!

Too high?

No! Just really high!

You're lucky we're not outside, or I'd pick you up even higher.

Nonono, I've gotta go to sleep.

You want me to walk you upstairs kid?

Mmm, no, I can go by myself. Okay dad, I'm going to sleep. Good luck Genesis.

Oh, uh... thank you.

Uh-huh! Bye everybody! And Laurie, don't throw the fluffy couch!!

I won't, Scout's honor.

Kay! Bye!

Bye, sweetheart.

Good night, Xennie!

See ya, kid.

Man, she really loves that couch, I'm surprised.

Hey, fluff is addictive. Unfortunately there's been a lot of fluff in this session already, so now we've gotta buckle down and talk about heavier stuff. Genesis?

What?

Chaos, is he okay?

He's okay, believe me. We've talked about this on our own earlier. He's just nervous around you.

Why the heck are you always so nervous around me?

I told you, it's because you give off a vibe that I'm not exactly comfortable with!

And why the heck is that?

Let's just say I haven't known many people that keep so many walls up, and the ones I have haven't been the nicest people to be around.

...You'd better not be comparing me to who I think you are.

Not you. Just the impression you give me.

Well what the heck else do you want me to do? Something tells me you'd be even more disturbed if I dropped all the walls, since they actually make you feel safer. Am I right?

...

Genesis?

Sorry. I'm still too sensitive for my own good.

At least you're not an empath like me. Actually no, that might actually help in this situation...

How?

'Cause of Laurie. I've spent enough time around her to know what she's really giving off. Back when she had tons of walls up and hadn't even opened up to Jewel very much, she was a tough character. Now she's not so bad.

Oh sure, just sabotage my reputation, go right ahead.

I'm not sabotaging anything, Laurie. The fact is, you need to stop trying so hard to be who you were in the past too. You don't need to be so standoffish anymore, especially not around us. And Genesis, you need to stop freaking out over threats that don't exist anymore. Maybe you and I perceive energy differently, but she's no threat to you, even with an axe.

...

She's not. I can attest to that.

...listen, you guys, I said there needed to be a switch in mood but I didn't expect this.

Why, you got a problem with it?

No, it's just that I can 'switch moods' like this now and I'm not exactly used to it yet.

...

Laurie?

What?

Do you... I don't know, I'm not even sure what I'm asking...

You want to help.

Yeah.

You can feel this too, and you want to alleviate the pain somehow.

If you want.

...Kid, for heaven's sake, I appreciate the gesture, but first? You can't be siphoning off your soul so bloody carelessly.

But I care about you, Laurie, I love you, and I don't want you suffering like--

Listen to yourself! Is that how a true heart-healer talks?

...No, actually. I'm sorry, I kind of... wasn't thinking.

Obviously not. You never think of how much damage you're passively doing to yourself. Listen. Yeah, this hurts, but it is not something I want to erase. And it's not something I'd consider worthy of you burning yourself out for. Not to get rid of it.

All right.

Stabilize. Sorry for the sudden emotional switch, I know that's hard on you sometimes. But keep your head on straight. Chaos?

Emotions hit me differently. Jewel reacts, I kind of... absorb.

Yeah, which is why I'm looking at you. You're worse than him when things get crazy, for obvious reasons. And Genesis?

...What?

For heaven's sake, I'm not going to hurt you, and I sure as the same ain't gonna trivialize what you're dealing with. If you want this conversation to be completely serious, then I'm all for it. No jokes, no teasing, no messing around. Just straight up honest discussion. Now are you going to stop cringing around me?

...Yeah. Sorry.

It's fine. I know I'm tough to be around. But come on, it's not like I have any sharp edges anymore. You can blame your dreamer for that. Thank you, by the way.

You're welcome.

So. The heck is our discussion topic here? I don't want to get on any tangents in this conversation.

I want to talk about last night.

Fair enough. Where to start, then?

I... I'm not sure.

I've got a question. What's our main concern about last night?

He's reacting like you used to.

Really? Why?

Jewel, for heaven's sake, you had a bit of a hard time recovering yesterday too.

I thought I was responsible somehow! I don't want to manipulate people!

You didn't manipulate anyone, Jewel, everyone had a complete say in what happened. You just feel more heavily involved as you're the channel for all of that. And I'm sorry if it was painful in any way.

No, I just... it's the old corruption fear is all.

And that fear isn't relevant anymore.

The Tar's still around.

Yeah, but it can't do a bloody thing when you're around. And if I'm not mistaken, you were 100% around last night.

That's not what I'm worried about.

Jewel's worried about it though.

No, I'm over that. It's just that that was the knee-jerk reaction. I know better than to give it any real merit now, since I know myself well enough.

Good. Now Genesis, sorry for interrupting, but go on. What's worrying you?

I... is this what you felt like with Celebi, Jewel?

...What?

This... kind of feeling like, "was I really being honest? Or was I just giving in?" I don't know. And that's what's bugging me.

Genesis, we discussed this.

Yeah, but we couldn't really answer that!

You told me you've given that serious thought for a while.

Sure, but that doesn't mean anything! Thought can easily drown out real motives sometimes, you know that.

And what did you tell me your motives actually were?

...

Genesis?

To... to just, kind of, express that?

Express what?

I don't know, I can't exactly put it in words.

Well geez, don't get all touchy. Vocabulary frequently fails up here. No reason to get upset.

Yeah, it is, because then that's the only way I know how to say it, and that strikes me as being kind of overkill, you know what I mean?

How the heck is it overkill if that is the only way you can think of to say it? Don't you think that gives it a little more merit than you're considering?

Genesis, you're getting confused.

With what?

With what you and I have been through. Laurie and Chaos don't have that sort of thing to speak from, you know.

...

...Oh. Listen, I'm sorry, I almost forgot that...

S'okay. Well actually, no, that's not my place to say that. It's okay in my case. I don't know about Genesis.

...It's fine. I think if Laurie had to deal with that, she wouldn't be here right now.

No kidding, I'd be dead as soon as it happened. So my heart goes out to you, kid. I'm sorry.

It's okay, really. It just... makes things confusing.

Laurie, are we going to have to go all June 29th on him or what?

Haha, no, I remember when Jewel went through that. It's just that I... never thought I'd be in this position.

Question.

What?

How the heck is this a parallel to the 29th?

It's not. It's a parallel to the 17th.

Then you talk to him.

I mentioned the 29th because Genesis didn't have any fallout with Jewel, but Jewel had almost suicidal fallout with me. So it's similar in that respect alone.

Yeah, but he specifically mentioned Celebi earlier and then we changed the subject. Actually, Jewel, should we get her in here?

Celebi?

Yeah, why the heck not? You want to talk to her? She's never had any trouble with her motives, and if Chaos couldn't get the point across to you, of all people--

It's not that! It's not that. I understand what he's saying. I don't have a problem with that, you know, the fact that I did it.

Then what the heck is bothering you?

The implications.

What bloody implications? There are no implications up here, Gen.

But that's big! That's really significant, and I'm not exactly the sort of person that's comfortable with that sort of thing!

How so?

I just... I'm... I'm not like Jewel. I'm not. It's hard for me to... to open up like that.

So you're being a hypocrite when you yell at me for my walls, is that it?

It's not that I have walls, it's that I have a freaking lack of them!! You don't have a busted gem right in the middle of your freaking chest that is effectively a self-destruct button!! When I get close to people, guess what? That opens up, whether I like it or not! That's a window to my soul, Laurie, and the first time I ever had that opened up wasn't exactly a positive occasion!!!

...

I don't know how Jewel does it. I really don't. Maybe he's never had his soul broken into, but I don't understand how he can just break pieces of it off and hand them to people like roses or something.

Uh, Genesis, last time I checked, the kid did have his soul broken into.

...When?

You ever hear of the Tar? What about Julie?

I've dealt with Julie, back when she was still evil!! I know what she did to him, and me!!

But you didn't have her living in your bloody head and constantly trying to take over your body, did you?

...

Forgot about that bit, huh? S'okay, I'll let it slide. Upstairs, we tend to take that fact for granted... you know, the fact that we all have our own minds. Headvoices don't get headvoices. Jewel ain't so lucky. Yeah, the both of you were dealt the short end of the stick when it came to her methods of abuse, but Jewel had it a heck of a lot worse than you. Then again, like you said, he doesn't exactly have a busted up soul gem in the middle of his chest. At least, not literally, am I right?

Don't downplay what he's been through, Laurie. He's suffered a lot more than I have in some ways.

In some ways. The both of you have differing experiences, and differing extremes in different areas, I know that way too well. Point is, he needs to understand that this isn't what he's dealt with before.

I know it isn'!! It's just close enough to hurt really badly, you know!

Then why the heck didn't it hurt with Jewel?

Because it wasn't like that with Jewel. I brought up Celebi because Jewel told me about that, and how he felt. He... wasn't sure about whether or not he should have went that far.

I am now.

...

Yeah, it took me several months, a failed suicide attempt, way too many new scars, and several tearstained fights with her. It got to a point where I actually hated her. But it was all outwardly projected, Gen. And when I got over it all, I realized that beneath all that garbage, I did love her. Maybe it was an entirely different sort of love, one that I wasn't familiar with. But it was love, God knows it was love, and that's why I kept trying, no matter how tough it was for me, because what was getting in the way wasn't honesty of intention. It was my inability to stop judging the surface situation and understand what was actually going on.

But--

But what, Gen? You asked me, not the other way around. And you explained why before anything happened. It sounds more to me like you're unable to stop judging yourself.

I know, you said that before...

But you wouldn't answer me when I asked you what you were judging. Was it honesty?

...Not honesty, just...

Category. You're trying to put this in boxes, just like Jewel used to, and I am so sick of seeing you people doing that. You think I said yes on January 1st because I was thinking about bloody categories? Heck no!

But you wouldn't say that to Chaos!

Chaos didn't ask. And I didn't ask him. If I'm not mistaken, you did.

Gen, you were being honest, weren't you?

Yes, I--

Then why the heck are we still freaking out over this?

Because--

He's afraid he jumped the gun.

...Yeah.

Genesis.

What?

How is that jumping the gun if you said you'd thought about it, in total seriousness, for almost a year?

...

He's just having a hard time settling into his decision then. No worries, I did too. You remember the black hole thing, right Jewel?

But of course.

Too bloody early for me. I didn't have time to think about it. Ten months later though, you can bet that I followed through on that promise, and then some.

Stars, dear.

My point exactly.

...

Genesis?

...Yeah?

I do love you, you know. Definitely in a different way than I love Jewel, but it's still something. Don't know if that helps or not.

It does, it's just...

Not something you've actively thought about.

Not exactly, no.

I still say we've gotta stop putting this into categories.

What sort of categories? Don't you mean levels?

Nope, levels are totally different, but they play into categories. When you put this into categories, you start locking it out of certain levels. Oh, I put it into this box? Well then to heck with this color, and that one, and that one. When really all you're doing is limiting your perspective. Don't get me wrong, you can still choose not to tread into certain colors, but the point is you need to do so of your own actual volition, and not out of obligation to a nonexistent bloody label.

Really, if Marik and I can stop hating each other long enough to be so honest, then hey--

He doesn't count, you two are practically "frenemies" at this point.

We are not.

Only because Ryou is the middleman.

Hey, no labels, Laurie.

Come on man, I'm just joking around. Or not.

Yeah, diamonds go without saying.

Daresay that's more relevant than we'd like to admit right now?

Ugh, why is this so hard to wrap my mind around...

I think you just need time, love.

Yeah, probably.

What's so distressing though?

Just... crossing the Rubicon, like Chaos said. Realizing that whoa, I actually trust him as much as I trust you, that's new! Except it's not, and now I'm just having a really hard time getting my brain to match up with my heart and it's not the easiest thing in the world, you know.

Well, if you need a brain...

Shut up Laur, no jokes.

Couldn't resist that one, sorry.

You all right now, Gen?

As all right as I'm going to be for the time being.

That's kind of what I was asking.

Yeah, sometimes you just need to up and shout at people. It's cathartic.

No wonder we get along so well!

Don't make me asterisk you, boy.

Haha, okay. But really Gen, if you want to talk to me about this, I'm open. If not, that's fine too.

I just want to know how you can do that so freely now? If you've been through so much, and you're the one who insists on the importance of the soul, how can you just... do this?

Because I'm not losing anything. I'm giving. Like Laurie said, it's not about categories. I know very well what I'm giving, and I don't treat it lightly at all. However, there are two things I always keep in mind. One, that everything is love, and in the end we're all united anyway, so to me it's all resonance. I'm not 'breaking' anything. And because of that, point two is this: when I treat this like I do, guess what? It has absolutely NOTHING to do with broken gems or shadow claws or blood or bones. Nothing. You remember the mythological title I got slammed with, right?

Yeah.

Then there you go. I was terrified of it at first because I knew what had been painted over its surface. But when I stepped back, and looked deeper, and got down to the very core of it...

You found life.

And I found love. Over and over, in more ways than I thought possible. But there it was. Every single time. So please, Gen, if you can look at yourself and see that, then you have nothing to worry about.

...All right.

Are we cool on this now?

As much as we're going to be.

He just needs time, like you said.

Yeah.

Can I point out the irony there, or would you hit me if I did?

Well, it's obvious now, and I can't hit you anyway.

Maybe I should talk to her.

Would it help?

Chaos, all I really need to do right now is stop contradicting myself. I won't get anywhere if I keep insisting something is wrong. I know all of you are right. That's the same stuff I've told myself.

You just need to believe it now.

Yeah. Easier said than done.

Not quite. Get your mind out of it, and you'll be fine.

Speaking of minds and souls. Chaos, when the heck was that insane morning? November 12th or 18th?

You don't have that written down?

Hey, I'm just as shocked as you are! But remember how hard it was to get up that morning. I wouldn't be surprised if I was on cloud nine for the next 24 hours.

No kidding. You're sure you don't have it recorded though?

Let me check my Chrome history, actually... looks like the 18th? I don't think I had started reading Bleach yet, and I ordered those two keychains the same day.

Sounds legit. I'm just shocked you didn't record it.

I probably tried to, but a LOT happened in November so it probably got lost in the shuffle. Which is ridiculous, but apparently it happened.

Hey, you two?

Yeah?

You wanna close this up or what?

Already?

Sure. It's really late, Genesis looks like he could use a break, and Jewel, I don't think you can hold a channel for much longer anyway.

It's been a long evening, yeah.

Don't worry, if we're all still alive with access to a computer after Christmas, we'll talk on here again.

Not saying anything for certain yet, huh?

Heck no. Even with that promise you made, and everything the boss keeps telling me, I don't--

Wait, you call my boss your boss too?

Why not? He's awesome.

Whoa, that puts him pretty high up on the charts!

Hey, I'm your boss too, and I say you get some actual sleep before your other one drags you off to work.

Good point. Genesis, once more, are you going to be okay?

Yeah. Just... it's a lot to deal with.

It is.

Our invisible readers probably have no clue what the heck is going on. Really, I'm not even sure at this point.

Yeah, it's been an... interesting session.

I still can't believe you apparently threw Waldorf.

I did, and I'll toss you out too if you don't get moving. People need sleep. Out.

Geez, you can give us a few minutes. It's been a long time since we've all been in here and honestly I'm kind of just enjoying the company.

Same here.

Really?

Yeah. Sorry I was judging everything so harshly. The world really isn't as threatening when I stop pretending I'm a target.

Well you're not, so stop doing that.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

You probably could have, except it would have sounded a lot harsher.

Like what?

Hm?

I want to hear how she'd say it. Go on.

You're not a bloody target and nothing out there is going to kill you. So chill the heck out.

Thought so.

Hahaha.

Seriously, Genesis, you do realize that headspace is the safest place you could possibly be, in this situation or otherwise?

How do you mean?

I mean you've got me looking out for you, for one. Then there's everyone else up here. And then there's the fact that we're impervious to the hell downstairs that Jewel has to deal with every day, unless we actively choose to participate in it. Which you often do, I have to admit.

But it still can't touch me.

Exactly. And Jewel would never let anything harmful come near you, you know that.

You're right, Laurie.

Yeah, no kidding.

No, not that, at least not entirely... I'm too tired to think straight.

Heh, that too. We've all had some pretty messed up sleep schedules lately, now that you mention it.

I assume that means no shenanigans tonight?

Heck no, there's been enough of those lately.

I was kidding.

I can never tell with you, man.

Good point.

But really, Jewel, lay off it for a while. I think you're rerouting the homesickness too much.

You're still getting that?

Yeah. I just don't talk about it as it's usually in the background regardless. I try not to let it bother me.

Problem is, when you make it unconscious, then it starts to surface unconsciously. Be careful.

I will be. Promise.

Seriously, save the sparkles for Sunday night, will you?

Yeah, we've gotta break last years record, you know.

Well God help me, my heart's probably going to explode.

In a good way, I assume.

Absolutely. Are we going to Dare-Gale it or do you think we can find something else?

That's up to you. As long as we can loop it for three hours or more, I'm fine with whatever you choose.

Sweet. I'll find something, promise.

Hey, and another thing.

What?

Since you're back into the swing of things, how about you draw something for Sunday?

Oh man, I really need to.

Then try to. I know your schedule is a mess, but honestly, put Saturday aside or something.

And then confirm that Facebook marriage request for heaven's sake.

Hahaha, that too! Make it official.

Ironically.

Well obviously, Facebook is junk but that way everyone on your newsfeed is going to be all "whoa what the heck?"

Interspecies marriage what? You have an alien daughter what?? When did this happen???

Ninth anniversary???? What?!?!

The punctuation just keeps getting crazier.

Hahaha.

No no no, you have to do it like Genesis did. Come on, say it.

Really?

Really. Do it.

Fine... WHAT?!?

Yes!!!

OH MY GOSH WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!

There it is!

Hahaha!

At least you're laughing now, that's good.

Yeah, it is. Thanks guys.

Hey, we're here for you. No matter what is going on, we're here to listen, and help as much as we bloody well can.

That means a lot coming from you, actually. Thanks.

Come on, man, you know I've had that offer out to anyone for months now.

Not explicitly. You've never actually said that to me.

Huh. I guess I didn't. Sorry.

It's okay. I should apologize for giving you the cold shoulder for so long.

You gave me the cold shoulder?

I did, actually. I guess part of me just couldn't fully accept how much you mean to Jewel now. I mean we've been friends for a while now, but casual conversation is one thing. Actually feeling safe in the same room as another person is another.

Good point. So are we there yet?

Yeah. I think last night locked it in.

How so, if you don't mind my asking?

Probably when you actually put your walls down around Chaos. I dunno, I think that's what... what made me decide for sure what I wanted to do. I'd never seen you do something like that, ever.

You've never seen me around Jewel?

Like that? No.

What?? Chaos, this man is out of the loop!

What, what did I miss?

I think Laurie and I have an unofficial rivalry going on now.

Unofficial.

Another one, not the one we already have, you moron.

Pff. I love how you have to specify that.

True though. But yeah, he's getting back at me for all the times I didn't knock.

Uh... how? Actually, do I want to know?

That's up to you, bud.

I still cannot believe you didn't chase me out.

Hey, I trust you enough not to, okay? And I couldn't care less if you're already in the room. You go forgetting to knock around me, though, and I'll slice your head off.

It'll grow back, haha!

Yeah, 'cause you're a mutant.

Better than not being one and not having my head grow back!

Point taken.

You two have the weirdest conversations.

Hey, you wanna jump right in, mister no-neck?

No wrists either, take that!

Can't behead him if you tried, he's already beat you to it.

Foiled again!

And I just don't die.

Yeah, see, you're the worst of us because I can behead you, and you'll still figure out a way to respawn after that.

Love never dies, haha.

You can't kill Cupid, I guess.

Obviously. You're lucky I even used to let you try.

Hey, I don't get the axe out anymore unless he asks, all right? No more wanton butchering going on up here.

Not unless Barry decides to come visit.

I'd like to meet him, but then another part of my brain just goes, "heck no."

That would be the sane part, dear.

Probably.

Hey, I thought you told me to get some sleep? I can't exactly do that if you're still talking.

That is true. Sorry kid.

I did ask for a few more minutes, though. That's my fault.

Yeah, to do what? Unwind?

Basically. Just so we weren't cutting this too short, too soon.

Sorry I ate most of the conversation, guys.

That's no problem, we don't like going to sleep with unsolved problems here anyway.

This is true.

So. Since we're terrible at closing conversations, how are we going to do this?

Haven't got a clue.

That depends on whether we want it to be serious or not.

I'm voting for serious, actually. I've been through enough crazy stuff this afternoon. Chaos?

I'm fine with whatever Genesis says.

I'll go for serious too. I think it matches the mood better.

Plus I did kind of forbid joking around at the beginning of this half. Can't go breaking my own rules all the time, you know.

Serious closing up, then. How to do that today, hm... first I think I will lay down on this couch.

What does that mean?

I'm a nut, I'm crazy in the coconut. But really, this boy's had enough therapy already.

Are you falling asleep?

Somewhat. So I'm sorry if translations are a bit off. I'm slowly drifting into poet mode, I think. Not there yet, but the potential's there.

I went into poet mode once, you know.

Straight-up?

Yeah.

Nice. Wish I could do that.

You don't sleep, so it'd probably be tricky...

Hey, I can sleep, I just choose not to, most of the time.

You did sleep that one night we were chilling in the impossible room, yeah.

Because I only sleep when I am absolutely sure things are safe. I'm so hardwired to protect everybody that it's really bloody hard to relax enough to sign off for the night.

I think it says a lot about our entire situation that you were able to, then.

It does.

Oh man, this song. Chaos, this one makes me think of you.

Nightingale?

Yeah.

How so, lyrics, or what?

Mostly the sound. Harmonies and all that. But the lyrics are relevant as always. Laurie and Genesis, I have to find more songs that make me think of you guys.

Well you did just stick that bloody song by P!nk on my wall...

Hey, it's accurate.

Which one was that?

True Love, ironically.

Accurate!

I didn't say it wasn't, you moron.

Proving the point...

Hey, you shut up too, man.

I'm sorry for not having been around lately, by the way.

I know. But I'm very happy you're here right now. I missed you a lot.

I know... I missed you too. I should have said where I was going.

Hey, I don't mind people coming and going without explanation, as long as I can find out whether or not they're okay. Problem was no one was sure where you had gone for a few days. That had me worried.

I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it love, really. As long as everything worked out okay in the end, I am fine with it.

You always are.

But of course. Now can I get some sleep?

Sure. Want me to leave first?

No, because then neither of us will want to leave afterwards.

Good point! So I've gotta chase you out first, cool. No chairs, Jewel?

No chairs, and I didn't say goodnight to anyone yet. I'll probably fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow so I won't be able to talk to anyone after this. So, we close up for the night now.

Works for me.

I love all of you. I really do.

We know.

No, like... a heck of a lot. You probably do know at this point but still. Trying to say it in words does it no justice. I'd kiss all of you but that's the sleep making me forget I'm still online, haha.

Then log off and then do it, why the heck not?

That's a good idea.

But you know what, that makes me think of something.

What?

The whole love thing we keep discussing. How we've got to stop putting it in categories, and just be entirely honest about it.

Yeah?

...I could probably say that to all three of you, for heaven's sake. Different context, of course, but it's the same thing each time. Really makes me think, considering those three words aren't something I've ever taken lightly, let alone dared to say for years.

...

Guess that's the point I've been trying to make with talking to you, Genesis. There's different ways to show it, sure. And you feel it differently for different people and all that. There's billions of variations on the same bloody thing. I guess that's why I find it so fascinating. I'd never really seen it that way until you stopped being afraid of it yourself, Jewel. And then that was it, that was the catalyst that sparked a billion flames, if you want to put it that way.

I like that way of describing it, yeah.

So there you go. I love all you guys. Coming from me, you already know that means a lot.

It does. Thanks, actually.

For what, saying it or feeling it?

Both. I mean, you hated me barely two years ago.

Two years is a heck of a long time, man. But you're welcome.

Genesis has this fantastic look on his face.

I'm thinking, okay?

Don't think too much, it rots your brain.

I can attest to this.

No, seriously, I'm just letting that sink in. It's not something I expected to hear.

Gotta stop putting expectations on things, kid.

Yeah, I know, but it's the truth.

So. I've said my piece, how about you, blue guy?

Well, you're the only person I haven't said it to here, because it's kind of awkward.

Then don't say it so directly. I didn't, for the same bloody reason.

And to think, last December around this time...

Hey, one snog doesn't prove anything.

Yes it does, actually.

I waited nine years for my first one downstairs!

Yeah, and then you two just went off the rails in that regard.

Nine years of waiting will do that.

I still wish someone had channeled me.

Heh, yeah, you kind of missed out. And we promised Xennie we'd try to get her through too, didn't we?

Yeah, but remember, that all banked on our channelers. You guys have heavy-duty energy, and you stick around. That stuff is seriously draining. You couldn't expect them to channel very often.

Especially when the person being channeled can't remember that humans have bones, you weirdo.

I said I was sorry, geez.

Or noses.

Or entirely different biological systems than you, wink nudge and a really loud cough.

I am never going to live that down, am I.

I thought it was hilarious. In a good way.

You would.

Course I would, I couldn't stop kissing him either.

So the point is, yes, one snog does prove a lot.

Come on man, we were all high on Cupid's energy here, that's all it proves.

Still.

Chaos, you'd kiss everybody that so much as looked at you if you could.

Hey, I'm an affectionate guy.

I think context plays into that too, though.

It does, it really really does.

Well fine, go ahead and punch a hole right through my teasing, why don't you.

Heh.

Maybe one day. But who knows.

Jewel just wants all four of us together.

It would be nice.

You are the only human in the world who would use "nice" to describe that concept.

Because it's different for us, duh. Different biology of course.

Which you are addicted to.

I won't deny that. That and sharp teeth.

Your addiction to fangs is hilarious to me, just saying.

Laurie if you had fangs I would be all over you.

Well.

He probably would. I mean look at me.

You are every one of my aesthetic weaknesses put together. That or you're the reason I have them.

I'd put my money on the latter.

Same.

I have never been so thankful to have fangs in my life.

Hahaha!!

All right, before Jewel starts hitting on everyone, let's get to sleep.

I'm just kidding around, seriously man. I hit on everyone the way it is.

He has a point.

Still... can we all just agree that there's an unquestionable sort of unspoken love between all four of us that is awesome and gorgeous and worth everything we've been through to get here, because that's one of the top three things I'm the most thankful for in the entire world and I am really tired.

Of course, that's obvious at this point.

It is, I agree.

Count me in, too.

Really?

Well, yeah, when you put it that way it really isn't that hard to see.

Good. Because you've always been the odd one out here and that ain't cool.

I'm trying to fix that, if you haven't noticed.

Oh, I have. Means a lot.

It does.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to follow Jewel off to work, so have a good one.

Wait, you're seriously going to sleep right now.

Yeah. I'm tired. I'll talk to you tomorrow. 'Night.

You could sound a little less exhausted.

Geez, Laurie, fine. Good night, all of you, thanks for everything.

Love you, Genesis.

Love you too, Gen.

I know, I love you both.

Uh, excuse me?

You, Laurie, are an absolute pain in the neck but I don't know where any of us would be without you, and you're really not half bad. Is that good enough for now?

That's perfect. See you tomorrow.

Thank goodness. Jewel, I'm heading out. Don't stay up much longer, please.

I won't. Have a good night, love.

You too.

And suddenly the song on my wall makes so much more sense!

So is he your frenemy or what?

I don't hate people, but if you wanna joke about it that way, go right ahead, I deserve it for my comment earlier. Still, I think it's hilarious. The more things I can tease him about the better.

I still think that label fits you two better.

Eh, it used to. But I dunno, you're too cool of a guy to pick on all the time anymore.

Thanks. Same to you.

Just realized I shouldn't be labeling things though.

Haha, pretty slow on the uptake there, kid.

I said I was tired, sweetheart.

Yeah, you did.

You know, if he falls asleep, we're going to be stuck in here alone.

And?

And I don't care how well we get along now, or how ridiculously affectionate I can be, it is going to be way too awkward if that happens.

Define awkward.

Meaning I've drunk-snogged you once, we've both seen way too much of each other's personal lives, and we've been through enough emotionally charged situations together to be way too comfortable around each other.

And your point is?

My point is, if I start getting overtired, I can't guarantee what will or won't happen.

Really?

Don't look so excited, it's a legitimate concern of mine.

Man I think it's hilarious. Can't say I'd want to test the theory but the thought of it is cracking me up.

Glad you find me so amusing.

All the time, bud.

Can we close this up now?

I think that's a perfect spot to call it quits, yeah.

Pretty much.

Glad we agree.

You two are adorable.

Well that was a completely unexpected turn of events.

Today has just been awesome.

Stuff's going to keep getting awesome, so get used to it.

I personally can't wait to see what the heck we have to talk about after Christmas. Chaos, I fully expect you to break last year's record, just so you know.

Hey, I plan on it, don't worry.

On that note, I love you both.

Love you too, kid.

Mm-hm.

Chaos, don't look at me like that if you don't plan on starting something.

If either of you start something at this hour I will kill you.

It doesn't have to be a big something, Laurie. I'm happier with little things.

Heh. Well then, start as many little things as you want.

I love you, Jewel.

There we go. Thank you.

No, thank you, because when you're like this I can't not say it.

Yeah, you've got a really interesting look on your face right now.

Galaxies.

What?

Jewel gave you stars. Just a few, though. Once you have enough to make a galaxy, you'll understand exactly why I'm looking at him like this right now.

...

Hey, Chaos?

Yeah?

Je t'aimerai toujours.

Heh. All right, that's it, I'm gone.

Gone where?

To heaven. Don't expect to get a postcard this time, though.

Why the heck not?

Because Jewel finally gave you a map.

...

Have a good night, Laur.

Yeah, you too. Thanks.

Good night, Laurie.

Actually, wait a second.

Hm?

Just... I may not understand the galaxy thing yet, but I think I understand enough.

You probably do.

I love you too, kid.

Mm. I know.

And somehow that's the perfect response.

Genesis really needs to see you like this.

Maybe. It'll happen when it needs to.

Let's not rush anything, love. Life's too beautiful to rush through.

Can I say one last thing?

Sure.

If, by some off chance, the world did end tomorrow, I actually wouldn't mind. Do you know why?

Why?

Because you've made every single second of my life worth living. And because of you, I'm not afraid to die anymore.

...Are you tearing up?

Yep. Not gonna hide it.

Thank you.

Anytime, kid.

And I love you too.

...

Can I end this session right here? Because I think that smile on your face is worth immortalizing.

Please do. 

All right.

This is all worth immortalizing though. I never thought I'd have a life as unusual and beautiful as this, but, now that I do...

Now that we all do...

It's perfect.

And even when it ends, these moments will shine on, like stars.

And with enough of 'em, we can make a galaxy, am I right?

You got it, love.

I think I get it, Chaos.

I knew you would.

Today was pretty bright.

Tomorrow will be brighter.

It always is.

All you've gotta do is look up at all those stars, right?

Exactly.

Then both of you promise me you won't forget to do that whenever it gets dark.

Cross my heart.

I promise, too.

Good. Then let's all keep shining on.

Straight on through the night...

Until we're bright as the sun itself.

I think we're close.

I don't doubt it.

Neither do I.

One last thing.

Hm?

You can't have a new beginning if you're holding on to the old.

I think that's relevant too, in more ways than one.

Time to take a step forward into the night, then?

Are you kidding? Look at all these stars.

With that much light, it's impossible to get lost in the dark.

Exactly. So let's take that next step, shall we?

All together?

Always.

Ready when you are, love.

Then let's go.

 

 

 

 

Mmkay, it's been four days, I should really update.
Not much has happened, at least not visibly so? I came down with a nasty sore throat on Saturday evening, so I was really off all day on Sunday and today's been recovery too. I couldn't fall asleep until 4AM last night, and I only got about 6 hours on Saturday, although I have late-night artwork to blame for that. Yeah, I randomly decided to start drawing around midnight so I didn't get to bed until about 3, but it was totally worth it. Unfortunately the mess of a weekend ended up canceling my Xanga plans with Laurie, BUT I plan on getting up early tomorrow to talk to her before I do anything else for the day. I want to make sure we've got everything as cleared up as possible before the 21st. Since I've had this indomitable glittery smile on my face for a solid week now, I think we'll be cool, but hey. I love her and miss talking to her anyway, so it's a win/win regardless.

I got a gorgeous little synchronicity lineup on Tumblr when god-of-swagulous (the perfect Chaos RPer) happened to like these two posts of mine. Yeah, the universe couldn't have been any louder with that one. I was smiling through my tears as soon as I saw that.
I've been seeing triple-numbers everywhere lately, too. Since I personally give those merit and consider them both messages and reminders, their frequency as of late is significant to me. There are lots of other larger, but far subtler, synchronicities too... like suddenly noticing huge creative parallels between Dream World and other media, old and meaningful songs ringing out of the woodwork, and having relevant words jump out at me from books and conversations... but honestly, that's not what's the most important to me about life as of late. What I'm really focusing on and considering important is this unshakable peace I've regained. It's the same one I found for the first time last summer, and that started to slip as this year progressed. It was never gone, though; I just needed to get rid of the things that were in the way of my feeling it again.
To tie those two points back together, Chaos and I spent about an hour straight together last night, as I was too sick to really sleep and he always helps. Really, if he's not insisting on 'healing' what he can, then my boss is reassuring me left and right that it'll be okay, or Laurie is telling me flat-out that "nothing bad's going to happen to you as long as I'm around." I swear, those three are just incredible. But last night was... unusually moving. Since I was hyperexhausted from illness and sleep deprivation, I ended up sliding into one of those coveted "not asleep but not awake" mindsets, where you can't not be 100% honest, and there's no such thing as negativity or shadows. In those mindsets, you can do ANYTHING and since your heart is running the show instead of your head, nothing will EVER go wrong. That sounds obvious enough, but many times the next morning my brain will remember those time periods and think "whoa what the heck did I even do??" and try to throw me into a disastrous state of mind. So I just tell it "ssh" and usher it aside, because I can see the truth even past that now. Funny to realize that, last summer, that was an impossibility for me. I really have grown, geez!
I'll probably talk about last night tomorrow, on Xanga. Looking back on it, it feels huge, as seemingly small as it was (who am I kidding, nothing is 'small' in that sense up here). In any case, meaningful events with Chaos demand the utmost respect and attention, and I won't do it justice if I try to summarize it here. You kids will have to wait!
I do want to mention one thing really quick, though. I don't know if I've said it here before, but I've realized why people (including me) frequently have trouble discerning what Chaos is saying specifically, although the intended meaning is crystal clear: it's because he speaks in feelings, not words. That hit me hard last night, and it's also why Q had a tough time communicating all his 'dialogue' back during the channels in Utah. Sometimes speech just doesn't measure up!
I know him extremely well though, so I don't have any problem discerning his true intentions. That's likely also why I'm always surprised by Chaos RPers online-- even though they all present him differently, they're all still getting his personality across perfectly. It's uncanny, but that sort of thing is basically expected when you're dealing with Chaos, haha.

It's raining outside. I adore the rain. I'll have to go to bed soon so I can just listen to it and enjoy it... at the moment I'm listening to the "opera pop" tag on Last.fm and although this stuff is stunning, rain trumps all of it. (I do wish it were snowing though; we haven't had any since last month.)

Oh yeah. Forgot to mention this before... I think it was the 7th, as it was in the midst of a very trying but oddly inspiring time period... anyway I had the house to myself for a while so Xenophon and I were just chilling out. We were talking about life in general, just to catch up, when I realized I was 'slipping' again. Tar attacks much differently than Julie did, as you know, and for a while the only way I could 'conquer' a tar hack was by letting it get through, then stealing its influence and throwing the energy straight into my court instead. It's basically transmuting any shadows that are creeping up on me, but with a painful twist-- to transmute it, I often have to use some of my own 'spark' energy, i.e. the stuff that I'm made of. This makes tar hacks extremely dangerous, BUT if someone else is around when I'm forced to do that, I can give the energy to them, and therefore not burn out through literally incinerating a part of my own creative life force, seriously. Long story short, I needed to do that right then, as that specific 'hack' had been building up for about three days straight, and it was getting angry. I told Xennie this, apologizing as these infiltrations had been happening quite often at the time, but then I got an odd idea. Since I had just given Laurie her "stars," I couldn't help but wonder, didn't Xenophon deserve that exact same light, somehow? Could I do that through a hack transmutation? I decided to try. So I treated that one entirely differently... instead of redirecting the energy after I brightened it, I externalized it. I literally took it out of me, and handed it to her. She immediately absorbed it, being adorably solemn about the whole process, and after a bit more recovery on my part, we continued with the day. First thing we did? Nier, obviously! However I was taken by surprise when we got to the first loading screen, and Xennie gasped, pointed at the little waving Yonah silhouette, and exclaimed, "that's what this feels like!" Confused, I asked her what she meant. She explained that the little Yonah had a swirling, moving pattern superimposed on her, and that pattern is what she felt like after absorbing the energy I had given her. I found this highly interesting, and then I had another idea. Later on I went to my computer, took the picture of Xenophon I had drawn in November, and superimposed an image of bubble chamber trails over it (the closest image I could find to that Nier pattern). Xennie excitedly attested to the accuracy of the result when I showed her, so there you go.

Genesis spent some time with me today while I was on the road, and I sternly told him that, even if he is spending a lot of time with Ryou and Marik now, he can't just disappear for weeks at a time without actually telling anyone why. I know he's an indomitably free spirit-- I'm similar, and guilty of the same-- but I don't like the fact that our connection is getting rusty as a result. We both need to put more effort into making time to be around each other, because he's the only guy that's really been out of the loop as of late, shockingly enough.
I seriously love Genesis but I think I take him for granted, to be blunt. I don't like that. I think I'll make that my goal for the new year, so to speak... don't be so carefree when it comes to headspace relationships. I've seen too many people die up there in the past. Maybe that won't happen anymore, but still... you can't deny that all of our existences are 'fragile' regardless. Reflecting on how much we have been through since 2008 really drives home the point that our times together are precious and should rightly be treasured as such, actively.
You invisible readers can hold me to that. I promise, I will keep that resolution quite close to my heart from now on.

Last bit before I close up for today... my bros Christmas present FINALLY came in the mail, heheheheh!! *rubs hands together and cackles like a mad scientist* SUCCESS.
Seriously I ordered this thing back in July and it just barely made it. I am stupidly happy that it did because dang I cannot wait to see my brother's face when he gets this. It's going to be awesome; I honestly love seeing the people I love happy.

Acker Bilk by Chad Valley just came on iTunes, and that is perfect "get to sleep son" music, so consider it done.

 

 

 

Fahrenheit 451 is a book I will perpetually hold close to my heart, as I finished reading it the night before I attempted suicide back in 2010. I will not deny that the ideas presented in that piece of literature played a significant part in convincing me to change my mind, count my blessings, and try life again.

In stark contrast to the inkblood catastrophe of my life that morning, a single fragile voice of hope stood out, just like this. So this picture holds a tragic sincerity to me, and that makes it all the more beautiful.


“And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn’t crying for him at all, but for the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the backyard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes the way he did. He was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I’ve never gotten over his death. Often I think what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands? He shaped the world. He did things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million fine actions the night he passed on...”

 

 

Today I found a knife.
I am so sorry.
Chaos tried to stop me. There was an auditory warning from him that crashed through my splintering and stopped me, for a minute. For a minute I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Then the old retribution drive kicked in, and Laurie showed up, and I don't even remember what happened next.
I forgot what that much blood looked like. Too much red.
Sometimes I wonder what I'm really doing wrong, why I keep getting this lesson over and over, why it won't stop.
I'm actually nauseous right now. This is weird.
I'm afraid Razor is back. She got through for a moment today, screaming. I nearly passed out from shock. That's happening too much lately. There are teeth marks up and down my arms.
What is getting in the way? This is December. There's a lot of light coming in.
But when I go outside I feel like I'm floating away. I have to sit down, under the trees, to keep from collapsing.
When I'm inside, I'm so heavy it tears into me like a serrated saw. My feet are made of lead. My skull is full of dynamite.
I'll go for entire days without eating and then suddenly remember that the body can't run without food. I keep forgetting to take care of my daily needs. Talking is painful. Mirrors are worse.
It's either one extreme or the other. What am I doing wrong? Where's the block? Where is this block??
Is it me? Is my color the one out of sync? What do I do? There's too much red here, all over my hands...

I had a cathartic block last night. Big one. Scared the sense out of us all. It was the awful sort, where I know what I'm trying to feel, to tune into, but there's nothing happening but a big heartless void. I couldn't feel anything. It's why I'm wide open to tar hacks lately, ironically. No emotion = couldn't care less when the klaxons go off. What's that? I'm in existential danger? Don't care. Twenty minutes later I'm wondering where all the blood came from.
God I thought I was done with this. Time is running out. Please, I don't want to be trapped here. Help me. Somehow, please, help me out. I don't know what to do.

Not sure why I'm updating in such a morbid condition. The death drive is silently screaming again. I want to go outside and pick a fight just to get some sensation in these bones. Still wish I had a friend besides Laurie who'd do that for me. Don't know why love needs to go hand in hand with a punch in the face most days, haha. But it comes through clear. It breaks through the fog.

There's a sparkle setting in, despite the scars. Problem is it wants my brain to shut off... and when that happens I fall asleep. I'm not tired of sleeping, I'm tired of feeling like that's all I can do anymore.
Still, I don't want to deal with this sickness anymore. I don't want to spend the next four hours fighting off tar hacks for the fourth day in a row. They always hit when the sun goes down.

I can still love though, even if I can't feel it. That means I'm not dead inside. This is good.
What's not good is the genuine "waking up in a strange place" terror I now get whenever body awareness sinks in. I'm starting to honestly forget that it doesn't match. The only reason that's bad is because... well, fear gets in that way. Reality slips a little, and dark things seep in through the fractures.
I thought I was over this. I really did. Why is it still so terrifying? I really don't think I can do this alone. But I can't afford therapy. I don't want to go back to the psych ward. What steps do I take now? What haven't I tried yet?

I'm not lost, I just tripped and got cut up pretty badly. I can still walk.
I'll figure this out.

 

 

 

What a beautiful thing to wake up to.

First, I randomly got a numerology report in my inbox. "Okay," I think. "Let's see if there's any hidden synchonicity in this thing." As soon as I click it, I see this:
Your Personal Year Number for 2013 is 9.
Color: White, all Pastels
Jewel: Opal, Gold
Keyword: Completion
This is the year of spring-cleaning. Get into the corners. Review everything and toss out all that is no longer useful in your life including people, places, ideas and things. If it’s finished, let it go...
I honestly started laughing! That is perfect! Important, though. I know for a fact I have to release a lot of things now. I have a bad habit of feeling that I need to be in control of things, but as soon as I let go, it feels amazing. Personally I like the feeling of riding the waves so much better than trying to direct their movement, haha. So this was a good reminder.
Another message in my inbox discussed the difference between personal "truth bells," and the Spirit of Truth: the two don't always line up; that would be claiming we're already perfect! So that actually took a huge weight off my back: I have an old compulsion to be perfect, so I work my bones raw trying to find absolute Truth in every tiny thing I find, even if I have a nagging feeling that I'm not supposed to. Truth bells are all good and helpful, as pointers to the real thing! So looking back and realizing that "hey, even those convictions I believe in most strongly might not be 'true' in that bigger sense" is oddly comforting: if I got it wrong, I can now gracefully accept that and let go of the old belief. Which is understandable; I didn't always see too clearly in the past. I still have troubles. BUT the closer we get to Perfection, in brightening our hearts, the truer our own bells ring. Discernment, from a pure heart, is always the key. All that we do should be for the greater good.
"Truth never hides and it doesn’t need promoters to convince those who don’t believe. What is true simply exists and what is untrue does not exist. Perhaps in the midst of what is temporal and apparent, a lie may seem to be true, but in the end all these fantasies will fall by their own weight. It is then when those who clung to these supposed truths will have to re-evaluate their course and choose whether to correct their path or not.."
The message of it all was very centering to me. I needed to hear it right now, too. Keep it in mind, son... oh, and can I quote this, too?
"We are all equal to the eyes of God our Father and His love is always unconditional, invariable and absolute. None of you has had to do anything to earn this love and none of you will ever lose it. It is you who can choose to close yourselves off from the Source of this Love, and let your soul wither. Go on, day by day, by living with the firm intent of knowing and expressing the will of the Father through self-mastery and the progressive perfection of your being..."
I know I used to waver on that in the past, but now I firmly believe it. But it's also deeply important to remember the unity in that statement, if fear starts to haunt you again. We're all part of that one greater Light. Geez I just love getting straight-up reminders of all this first thing in the morning, before I even leave my bedroom. It helps me make the day go so much better.
But in all things I must be open to changing and taking new action at the drop of a hat. Just reminding myself of that too. Matthew 5:41 always comes to mind: "If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.". It's the essence of being ready and willing to give at a moment's notice. That old phrase, "God works in mysterious ways..." never thought I'd see that proven so often in my life, considering the past few years, but hey. So, I say again, let go. It's a bit tricky for me, whether I like it or not, and that makes it all the more important to do. Just keep your eyes and ears and heart open, always...
Here's some more stuff, both of which are extremely relevant in my life right now, because otherwise I'm going to be copy-pasting my entire inbox. Who knows, maybe a link is just what an invisible reader needs?

Speaking of nice things, I re-discovered The Flaming Lips this morning. I've only heard about four of their songs in the past-- most notably Mr. Ambulance Driver-- and now I'm just listening to them on Youtube as I type this up. They have some truly beautiful tunes. So this is nice. Also had some face-punch synchronicity with that too, with two perfect songs, a perfect event, and perfect visuals. Crazy stuff. But I'm smiling. I love this.

Oh! I forgot to show you guys the snow we got this year! Here's Diamew, and here's the entrance to Nightebi. I always take pictures of them after the first snow, they look beautiful.


As for the title, though... between the landslide of beautiful spiritual blog updates in my inbox (not a single one of which was irrelevant), I noticed a strange email titled "well hello there, friend."
I knew exactly what it was.
Let me share that email with you.


"Three years already, huh? Time sure flies.
I bet you remember me, though.
Yes, it's you, from November 2009.
How's life three years later? Fun? Crazy? Both? I hope it's at least better than 2008 was-- that was a rough year, man oh man.
How's college? Did you graduate yet? I don't know if you decided to stay in Illustration or moved on to something else, but I hope you're happy with it, and I hope you've taken a few steps in bringing our worlds into this one.
That, my friend, brings me to the next point.
As of today, here in the past, you had 16 worlds and about 700 people upstairs. How the fish many people are up there now?
Tell one of them to say hi! *waves* Honored to meet you, my beloved sir or madam. I guarantee we'll have some fantastic times together.
Tox, Vontricia, Preludove, Hosea and Kenzel say hello from this OCT-riddled year.
Picayune says buy her a soda because she neeeeds it.
If you haven't fixed Part 11 yet, I will punch you.
How's Q, Jim, Ben and FMSR? You'd better still be talking to them, kid! They're priceless kids.
Lynne's doing great, as are Natalie and Vincent. Say hi to them too!
Also, Laurie says "hey there, mister 22-year-old freakazoid. You beaten that blonde witch yet? If you haven't, I'll do more than punch you in the face." You know she will.
I hope we've beaten Julie too. That was our goal, and seeing what year it is now, I hope we've reached it.
Did you get your surgery yet? I sure hope so!
Maybe you're dead already. I don't know. We've always wanted to go out early, for a good cause, but if that time hasn't come yet, make darn sure that we continue to live in that bright-hearted way of ours no matter what.
Seriously, don't listen to anyone else. Be you. You've got it right.
10 years with Ryou, wow. *sends you some aluminum daffodils* Congratulations, seriously. You have something beautiful; don't ever take it for granted.
Never forget entry 4.
Marik's going on 10 too, haha! Give the Pharaoh a hug for me and remind him how much he means to us. He's a great guy. If you two haven't had your third incident yet, do it now. I'm serious.
Never forget those nights under the stars.
Your muse is already 7 years old holy shuppet! That's amazing. Does he still go by 'Selph' or did he change his name? Either way, I'm going to blow him a kiss from the past so make sure he gets it.
Never forget that night at the altar.
Nine years with Chaos. How does that feel? Beautiful, right? I hope that you two are at least widely recognized in the StH community by now, because you deserve it, and you know it.
Never forget the early morning hours.
If you haven't said a word to JMC yet, e-mail her right now.
If you haven't seen DP in a while, check on her right now.
You still need to meet them both.
Don't forget any of this either--
1. Typing in the Borders coffeeshop
2. Your vendetta with Sheena Easton
3. Listening to 'World Citizen' at 3AM
4. Really, Rod Stewart? Really?
5. Haterth alwayth thpeak with a lithp
6. Fun on Tumblr, tweak today, MLIA and Last.fm
7. Pull yourself together, kid.
8. MISTER BLUESKY
9. OLIVER INGWERSEN
10. EVERYTHING geez I know your memory is awful but come on
How's your music? I want to hear some of it, lucky kid.
Also, did you get to see FROST* live? Did you go to the Summer of Sonic? Any experience in Flash yet?
Lhikan says DO YOUR HOMEWORK if you have any, I don't know. Knowing you you're probably reading this at some ridiculous hour, haha. Maybe not-- hopefully you've conquered that silly habit of ours.
Man, there's so much that could have happened in three years.
Take some time and reflect on it, okay?
What else did I want to say... oh yes.
No matter what happens this year, I hope you have much less regrets on average than I do now. Keep trying hard, all right?
You're a good person. Don't lose that and don't compromise it *hurm*.
I hope the future is beautiful.
If not, it's your job to change that.
You've done well, young Padawan.
Love you.
-Jewel Wisteria Lightraye
November 20th 2009
12:07 AM"


I am laughing out loud and tearing up over this, oh wow. So much of that just... it's exactly what I needed to remember this morning.
I... I think I'm going to let that letter speak for itself. It's perfect.
*hugs 2009 me* Love you too dude.


"You do not collect the Universe. You ride the range of the Universe, and the sun shines on you, and you reflect the sun until no one can tell the difference between you and the sun or the night stars or anything you can think or remember or not remember, for what is there in the Universe but the Oneness of Light and the Oneness of the One Heart that gallops everywhere."

Here's to December 2012.

 

 

 

 

W...whoa. Okay. Don't know how to react to this, but... huh.
Forgive the paltry medium this occurred in, but... Mel just unfriended me on FB?
That's... big, for them. FB has been the ONLY way I could communicate with them since 2010. And now they've pulled the plug on me. Not sure why, but... well, it's not new. My sister did the same. I don't hold it against her, of course-- still love her like crazy-- but for months afterward, I couldn't stop asking myself, "what did I do wrong?" Of course, there was no guarantee whether or not I had played such a personal role in that decision, but it was sudden and severe, so I assumed the worst. On the other hand, I know for a fact that I am entirely responsible for this action of Mel's.
So it came as a rather jarring shock to see that today. Why today, of all days, you ask?
Mainly because I've been working nonstop on my inner life since I got back to PA. Mainly because I've finally realized that the weird lingering antagonism that stuck to the Utah situation was entirely projected... when I looked at it, I realized that there was no cause... at least, none outside.
I couldn't forgive myself for what Mel said I did to them, in that note. And that self-loathing was starting to externalize, because I couldn't make sense of why they felt that way, and communicating with them was just confusing them more. I felt bad that we couldn't seem to make any progress, but... well, I told them that if we honestly could not solve this problem, then I was happy having at least said my piece in trying to atone for the unknown wrongdoings, and if they wanted to completely let go of me after that, then so be it. Guess they took me up on that offer, which I don't mind, as I gave Q the same offer years ago and he accepted that too, so. Maybe it's just time we parted ways permanently... sad, as here's the first two people to try and be close friends to me, and it didn't quite work. But life's like that, sometimes.

To get back on topic... I do want to let go of this, but I think I need to dig deeper inside first. I need to use this to learn my lessons better, what with my shadow influences beating the stuffing out of me lately (yesterday was nuts in an amazing way, hilariously enough... but we'll get to that). See, I've spent the past two weeks reviewing all of Q and Mel's old journals, as well as my own. Why? Because, as soon as that pained message arrived in my inbox, I realized with a sickening jolt that this is exactly what happened in 2010. For whatever reason, all four times I interacted with those two individuals ended in tears, so to speak. All of those encounters began with optimism, and quickly sputtered into confusion and pain. I am determined to figure out why, as well as I can-- if I was the cause, then I want to heal whatever it is in me that caused that, even if I can no longer do so for them (I have been trying but we've apparently got emotional language barriers). I will admit I was explicitly damaging in the past, when Jezebel still ran the business and my splinters hadn't splintered off yet. I was a mess, right up until the summer of 2011. But this year... I really did try this year, and yet the outcome was exactly the same! It was disorienting, to realize that the words I was reading reflected what I had just left, and yet the timestamps were from two years ago. But like I said, I already know that a great deal of it was due to self-blame, projecting my own shortcomings onto others, being too afraid to take a chance with them because of past failures.
Plus I just came across this quote... "You don't want to be here: I can sense that. Is it because you don't feel safe in your own body, that you don't want to be anywhere?" I can't help but wonder if that really was the biggest reason, even now. It's the main reason why I couldn't seem to function there, why I couldn't truly 'match' the me I present online, the real me... having a voice and face and form that simply doesn't fit me is pretty crippling when it comes to honest communication. Q seemed far more acknowledging of it than Mel, though, at least actively. Several times he referred to me with correct pronouns and the like, which was amazing, and really made me feel respected instead of misunderstood as usual. I don't think Mel gave it much thought. Now I'm not saying anything bad about them, I'm just wondering. That may have been a huge piece of why I didn't feel like I could safely communicate with them, a fact I didn't dare give voice to. Maybe seeing me that way would have made me a threat to them, who knows. Either way it's sad to look back and wonder, "was it really something that simple?"
"I had just traveled over 2000 miles away from the place where I was born and raised, for the sole reason of seeing the two people who supposedly cared for me most in this world. Upon meeting them and spending the next week with them, I didn't notice the less positive switch. See, I no longer had to worry about the stressful turmoil of my distant 'home.' That lever had been switched off, and another had been switched on. I was now torn between being myself and being a person who could sync with Mel and Q without causing severe problems. That brought up the whole 'keeping them amused' problem (that's in my IJ) and the secondary issue of tweaking my personality to keep from possibly offending or confusing anyone too much... but I didn't realize it. I kept myself from realizing it. It was sick... I don't want to leave Utah because the two people that brought me here want me to stay, but I also don't want to stay because of what I'm causing them... and what they're causing me. God, you've really got me in a bizarre situation now, don't you?..."
But I suppose it's not something I should spend time on anymore. All I can do now is postulate in hindsight. All I should be focused on is pinpointing problematic areas in my own psyche, not worrying about either of them. I can't solve their problems, and now I can't even try, even if I wanted to. I've almost completely let go of that now, which is good. It doesn't hurt anymore, and I no longer feel any ties. The only thing holding me back now is this lingering feeling of responsibility. You should have known better. You should have helped them more. But "should" is a useless word. What's done is done, and I did what I could under the circumstances, with the knowledge I had at the time. Right now, I am doing the same.
What's bothering me the most is that my SLC visit echoed 2010. I am NOT the person I was back then, at all, in any way. Yet did I feel I had to be, this year, even unconsciously? I don't quite know. If I really was wearing a mask that often, then the answer is yes. I'm going to pick my brain until I figure that out, as it's important. A lapse in progress, however buried, is still something to bring to the light and examine. I don't want that happening again, with anyone, under any circumstances. And still, I think the dysphoria was the killer! Situations in my mind run perfectly. No mistakes, no dishonesty, no triggers or hacks. But when I actually find myself in those situations... uh-oh, this isn't my spirit body, is it? Every time, even now. And it throws me off badly, and I forget who I am, and then suddenly I'm not me. If that truly is the answer to this mess, then no wonder Mel felt I had abused them. I had been abusing myself just as horribly. Hm. To think, I had sworn that had stopped. Maybe I was only watching for the most obvious signs, though, and missed these: the ones I buried and justified, in lieu of knives and scars. This is good, the fact that I'm hopefully getting it now! See, we're taking steps forward, as we always do.
Still, the fact that this happened again bothers me too:
"I saw a photo of you earlier today, and I didn't recognize you at all. I had to think, 'what were they like?' ...I don't know either of you. I thought about it, and I cried, because who are you, really? I know your names and that's all...I loved what you did, not who you were, and it was terrible... I didn't realize that because I wasn't like that... I wish I knew both of you better so I could fix this."
That is explicitly a problem with ME. Maybe I'm not someone they think they can trust with who they are. Maybe I'm just not able to see them correctly?
How do you get to know people, downstairs? I'm so used to these weird fluid relationships... where people have a core purpose that they live for, and if you know that purpose, you can know them... that's how I work, I suppose. My mom told me the other night: most people aren't like me. They have personas they present to the world (something I know I've done in the past, with my job and school, but have since been working maniacally to abandon), they have entire ways of acting that don't sync with their deepest natures. As for me, I strive to make every response of mine match who I am inside. As I mentioned before, this can be very difficult with the dysphoria, but it is still a constant effort. Did they do that? Or were they acting around me too? I honestly could not tell... again, like back in 2010, I saw their behaviors switch so drastically depending on who they were around, or what they were doing... it baffled me! Is that normal? How do you reconcile that many different presentations into one individual? For me it always depends on who's driving... scary stuff, but thankfully comprehensible to me. But my psychologist told me that our society 'requires' masks to function, and if I didn't start wearing one, it would tear me apart... and my mother told me that most people aren't as naively honest as I was, and that if I didn't learn to lie, people would tear me apart... and then Mel still said they didn't recognize me, in SLC.
" I guess it confused me because you seem so bright online and you were so dark when you were here, really destructive and that really surprised us."
To be blunt, that sentence is still driving me nuts. Destructive? Really? When was I destructive? I honestly cannot think of a single incident... it's more unsettling than anything. Are we seeing things so differently? Are our ways of perceiving reality that irreconcilable?
This is why I can't seem to entirely let go of the situation yet. I don't understand the last messages Mel sent me. And Q didn't say a word to me at all, which is understandable with his schedule... but to be entirely honest, I don't feel he's said much to me since he 'left' online in early 2009. It's strange, but I have no recollection of him beyond old dA notes and chatlogs. None. But that's the Q I knew. I don't know, maybe he was a different person online too. Whether more genuine or more incomplete I can't say. I know I was the latter; I acted almost entirely back then, I'm sad to say. I don't recognize any of my old communications from my teenage years: sure, there may have been some fragment of the truth buried underneath the paragraphs of empty text, but for the most part, they weren't me at all. Is that the 'me' he remembers, too? And Mel... I knew them according to FB notes and poetry, which never felt substantial enough to me. I got tons of their past, and tons of their future goals, but none of their present. That's what it felt like at least. As for me, they knew me through my journals. That was all. Problem is, 90% of my online journals isn't me. It's my struggle, up until I remembered myself last year. I can't help but ask: when Mel says I was bright online, what 'me' are they referring to? I want to know. Because when we met in person... suddenly I became dark? What does that even mean? I did the housework I was aware of, I was there for them when they'd break down, I stayed with them when we were all home together... but so often, we didn't see each other. They'd be working or at school, and I'd never see them. That's why I didn't want to get a job-- if we were all working, and never saw each other for a substantial amount of time, then why in the world had I moved? The only reason I said 'yes' was because I was under the impression we'd be spending all our time together. I suppose that's unrealistic, but it's honestly what I expected. So when things changed after the first week of free time, I didn't take it well. I couldn't make sense of why I was there anymore. I did try. It was just frustrating, now that I felt I had no ground beneath my feet.
But when was I so dark? That is the question I want answered, more than anything.
I won't say that hurts, only that it's deeply disconcerting, because I honestly cannot think of where that came from. I wish I did. Is it too late now, I wonder?
"This has caused a lot of pain and I don't think I can handle going through this anymore if you can't work through it."
I wonder if they realized that up until I moved in with them, I worked through all of my problems alone. With the exception of the gang upstairs, all of those hellish trials I suffered in my past were solved with God's help alone. Why? because they were my problems. No one else had to worry about them.
But in Utah, suddenly you were part of the picture. And I became lost. How in the world do I solve this problem if someone else needs to be factored into the decision-making process? That was my constant question. Perhaps that is why I seemed so false. Every action I took needed to take you into account as well. I've never had to do that before.
I could have solved this already if you weren't holding half the answers. That's not an accusation, it's a simple fact, and I say it with sincerity. I know it caused a lot of pain, although I'm unclear as to why exactly, but guess what? I can't work through this without you, because you were part of it. That's what it boils down to.
So to be entirely honest, it does hurt, at least that bit. They let go of me because "I couldn't work through this," not knowing or comprehending that she held half the puzzle pieces. But we saw different colors, and together we seemed to have different ideas of how it would look in the end. A lose/lose situation, perhaps. Ironically, because I've learned a lot from this... just wish I could understand your perspective.
I guess that's the tragic inevitability of being multiple since childhood. I'm not used to dealing with "real people," especially not in close quarters, especially not for so long a time, especially not as 'friends.' I've never had a friend downstairs before. So I apologize if I wasn't a good one, but I was trying my best according to what I knew. I guess it didn't quite work. I'm probably used to living with people like my grandmother, my mother, my superego, my id. I'm used to people who push and shout and never take no for an answer. I'm used to angry people, to fire-spitting people. I know you're not capable of that, as I did ask you. But that's what I needed in that context. Maybe that's why you felt I was pushing you away, and shutting you off... I wasn't, I was simply doing what I knew I had to do in my other relationships, to continue the conversation. Push away, and they'll push back harder. Shut off, and they'll shut you right back on. Don't call us, we'll call you. I'm used to saying things for the sole reason of inciting an explanatory reaction. I'm used to picking people's brains and having them do the same to me, even if neither of us asks a single question. I think you functioned the exact opposite way, and I was unable to understand that: if you had a whole different way of interacting, how would one go about learning how to function in response? Pushing your buttons and judging your reactions wouldn't work, you'd shut down. I didn't want to hurt you. And watching you with others, you were a different person. I really didn't know how to approach you, as I wasn't sure who I was approaching half the time. But I had no idea how to explain what I was doing, because I assumed that was how other people worked too. I had no frame of reference that you fit in.
Did I ever tell you how much it frightened me that you, Q, and Braeden all acted like ONLY you knew the "real me," and I didn't? You were always saying these enigmatic things like "your Spark is out of sync" without defining what you meant by that sentence at all. Always saying I didn't know who I was, I didn't understand my actions, et cetera. I constantly felt like I was part of this huge game, with all of you, which was deeply disturbing because I cared about you and yet those same words always came in response. Maybe that's the deepest fear here, with me writing this entry. Part of me has successfully been convinced by your words, that you hold the answers and I don't. You always spoke to me like you knew these huge secrets about me, but you were forbidden from telling me them. You'd only let me know that they were missing from my own consciousness, and that I was lost without them. How in the world was I supposed to react to that? It was a struggle living with you because I kept "guessing" at it. Is this action closer to what you see as my truth? Is this word closer? How about this one? Or this one? Maybe that's why I felt dark... maybe I believed I was, if only you knew my true brightness, and I had turned it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't remember. Still, geez, I'm a headvoice, of course physicality can't entirely translate me. Of course you're going to see me through a different lens. But that doesn't invalidate my knowledge of myself... right? Better question: how often was I even driving, with the obvious exception of those few channeling sessions? I seriously don't remember... I have almost no recollection of my time in SLC, even now. I still struggle to remember both of your faces, your voices, everything. Why did that happen again too? Go figure...
"Do you feel at all, love? Or has your environment left you so starved, that you can’t help but deplete those who so thoroughly love you, and refuse to give back even an ounce of what you’ve been given?"
Is that what I was doing? Is that a truth? How can I tell? I don't want it to be true. I don't want to do that to people. I'm a giver, not a taker, but you said I hollowed you out... is that what fire does? Am I so enamored with death and rebirth that I keep catching things in conflagrations, forgetting that other people don't need to have scars in order to heal? Why is this all EXACTLY what happened two years ago? What lesson did I fail to grasp the first time?
I thought I said I was going to stop picking things apart, stop trying to find every answer in the book, stop trying to win everything... but geez, I'm also supposed to take a closer look or I'm not going to see what I need. Is this even where I need to be looking? I'm getting off topic again.
Maybe I am just that disconnected from reality. But I assumed you'd help me learn to live in harmony with yours, if you invited me to stay with you, if you spent months telling me how much you wanted to share your life with me. Maybe you did, and I never realized you were teaching. Maybe we really do speak two different languages. Maybe I really am as blind as you said I was... I'm sorry. Forgive me, please?
Why am I writing all this? Mel's not going to read this. I guess I just need to get it off my chest. Better than bottling it up after all.
Still, all I can do now is continue to better myself, whether or not I will ever see either of them again. At this point in my life that honestly does not matter. I've had to let go of many, many things lately... big and small, easy and difficult. If this is something I can no longer have in my life, then so be it. I'm just riding the waves...

In much happier news--- whoa whoa WHOA look who's online, dear God I was terrified that maybe she was dead, this is amazing. THANK YOU.
And the other one, my biggest inspiration, she's just become this incredible light... complete change of presentation and not an iota has faded, it's only become more luminous!
Okay that just made my year. But yes, that's actually what I was trying to segue into! After almost four years (dude that's a LONG time!) I am still trying to be an elusive guardian angel to those two. I love them so damn much it just illuminates me, to see them doing well. They've inspired me so much, they've had indelible impacts on my life just by existing. Geez one day I want to send them both huge bouquets of roses or something, completely anonymously. I just want to give some ridiculously sincere outpouring of gratitude straight to them, in a format other than words-- which I DID do, back in 2010. I still consider that the best and brightest chance I've ever taken... I truly hope those words made them smile, if only a little, for their own sake.
All I want in this is for them both to have lives full of joy and dreams and love, brighter than they could ever have imagined. They deserve it, they really do.
Mel and Q do too. They've worked so hard, and I know the trouble and suffering they've been through. Heck, they deserve that in recompense for putting up with me alone, haha!

I'm trying VERY hard not to label anything as 'good' or 'bad' right now, though. Yesterday was a big push in that direction... boy oh boy, my brain's still having trouble with all that. But now I've got a Paladin helping me too, aha! And his role here might be the most important, after all, in light of what's going on... FFFF and I JUST realized the name of the song I'm listening to, synchronicity abounds!! Okay universe, high-five, that was a nice one.
But... right before I heard that, I tried something. I held my hands out in front of me, and focused just enough... and I can see it, somehow, in my hands. That glowing symbol he gave me, with those words. "Don't ever forget what you told me." I promise you kid, I won't.
Shadows are the well of creation, after all. The night is the time when dreams are born. You've always been a star in the night sky for me... both of you, actually.
Let me be your phoenix, once again. If this darkness wants to take my life, so be it. We've got a funny relationship with death up here, to say the least.
...Oh. That reminds me. Synchronicity.
On Tuesday night, I logged into Tumblr for a minute, and this post lineup happened on my dashboard.
That's what inspired yesterday. It just couldn't be ignored.
And you, you crazy pretty boy... I promise, you won't ever be forgotten.

I did forget one thing yesterday, though: food! Seriously, I got carried away with fasting again and then this morning I woke up tired, numb, and shaky, with Spine yelling at me "I still need food every once in a while!" Oh yeah, haha. But having a full day to recover from how sick I've been lately was a GODSEND. All the pains and weird aches went away, aw yiss. So today I've had an avocado, some hemp seeds, and a salad; we're doing great so far! Oh yes, and I did also have a tiny bit of dark chocolate that I bought for Julie. I purposely got a brand that had raspberries and rose hips in it, so it was kind of pink, haha. But we let Julie try it first the other day, because she's never had chocolate without it being tied to a hack... she just had this grin on her face, it was awesome. (The only problem is that even a bite of chocolate hurts like hell, and Spine despises it... but we all agreed that it was a sacrifice for a very good reason!)
My hands are still tingly and my eyes are still twitching from not having eaten, but it'll get better soon enough. My mother's bringing up some garden vegetables for me tonight (thanks mum!) so that should help... I'm just very concerned because my stomach feels unsettled after I eat anything now, whether it's 'safe' or not. Maybe that's a psychosomatic symptom, who knows. At this point I think I should just write it off as that and continue being careful about what I put Spine through regardless. We'll be okay.
I need to go food shopping tomorrow whether I like it or not, and also leave off some more job applications... I keep craving protein like a mofo and the only source we have at home is peanut butter. Guess what makes me terribly sick? So that's why I've been nauseated lately, no doubt (plus the only safe carb around is oats (as we're out of squash), which is also very unsafe for me. I'd love to cut out starchy carbs completely again but without them I frequently don't get enough calories in a day). I'm just extremely worried about my reactions to it-- my face turns bright red, I start burning up and my heart rate spikes. That's not cool. So I've gotta find an alternative so I don't end up giving up eating altogether again; it's the lesser of two evils here but recovering from a major sugar drop is hellish too!

I've moved my computer into the corner of the living room, so I'm stuck on a tiny desk and an unfomfortable chair, but it's worth it because now I get to sit next to the angel food cake tree. I need to take pictures of it, it's the cutest thing. I think my mum wants to put pastel beads on it as garlands? Geez we're just going straight-up fairy kei this Christmas, haha!

"If you keep your eyes so fixed on heaven that you never look at the earth, you will stumble into hell." Austin O'Malley. Just read that quote in Black Jack... it felt very relevant, so there it is.
Ironically I think that springs from my old mindset-- the idea that heaven and earth and hell are all separate things. The old idea that this life is just a trial we have to endure to get to the good stuff. That's not true. This life is heaven and hell, but we choose which one we want to experience. Problem is we need to remember that this is still earth. It makes for an unusual sort of heaven, maybe, but it's a beautiful one nonetheless.

Let me think, what else can I write here... choir practice is in a half hour so I can't linger much longer.
I finished Black Jack today, as well as issue #1 of Andromeda Stories. Unfortunately the latter isn't really catching my interest too well, but they just introduced some sci-fi elements into the story so I'm going to give the other two books a shot anyway.
If I do end up on the road tomorrow, I think I'm going to go library-hopping. Typically I only visit two, but I just checked Google Maps and apparently there are three within 20 minutes driving distance that I've never been to? This is exciting! I'd love to see what books they have. Still, I don't want to go checking out any new series until I finish Bleach (sooo goood) and Yu-Gi-Oh. So I'll wait until next week. Plus, who knows; with how funky my life is, I might not have time to check out an entire new series once December hits! Gonna be a crazy brilliant month, that's for sure.
As far as art goes, I haven't started anything big yet, but I've got all my art supplies together and I have a TON of ideas... however I have no workspace anymore! The porch is so cold my fingers freeze after ten minutes, and I barely have room for my laptop in the house. However, completely out-of-the-blue godsend on Thanksgiving: my father is letting me use the empty upper room in his house for a studio! I'm psyched, this is awesome. It also means I'll have a place to paint when school starts again in January; my current campus doesn't have a place I can stay until midnight and paint, like my old one did (and I loved doing that). Plus it's also a 30+ minute drive away, so that wouldn't be a smart move anyway! Needless to say I am extremely excited. I'm going to be moving my paints and larger art tablets over on Sunday when we visit for dinner, so I'm determined to get at least one major piece of work done between now and then. For some reason I keep wanting to draw Dagger, and I have the perfect idea in my head. So I think I'll do that tomorrow. I'll have to stay up late finishing all my computer work, but it'll be worth it: this stuff keeps piling up and I just want to be able to shut my computer off for the night, haha. Haven't been able to do that in ages, what with all the files and tabs and programs open! But besides that Dagger art. Since I do have my ancient (and gorgeously so) Jewel Monster tablets with me, I think I'm going to draw some of the oldbies on Bristol and make ribbon-charms out of them like I've done before. I might also do them in acrylic this time, as I miss painting in general. But probably my biggest art goal right now is THIS!! Chasey is the best RPer and I seriously need to show my appreciation for that fact, and for them of course. Sometimes I wish I were an RPer just so I could flirt with them, haha! Just kidding. Almost. In any case Chasey is a beautiful individual and they deserve art whether or not it's from me. I'm gonna draw it... haha, can you imagine? That brings up a good point, though: my headgang and I haven't dragged any movieverses upstairs in ages, with the half-exception of Inception (that movie behaved like headspace anyway; we just loved the structural explanations)... I think we're worried about possibly ending up with a truckload of new walk-ins is all. I'll have to find a way where we can interact with everyone without the possibility of flooding headspace, because come on, chilling out with Jack and Ralph would be boss.
Oh yeah! Hilariously awesome music synchronicity happened again too. I was driving home from leaving my books off at the library on Sunday, and decided to listen to the radio instead of a CD for once. Browsing through the channels, I came to the local pop station, and was surprised to hear a rather catchy number playing. So I kept listening, and was even more surprised to hear how beautiful the lyrics were, especially in relevance to my life. So here I am, half laughing, half crying, and asking "what song is this?" because geez, pop music usually never fits me, let alone so accurately. Then I look down and notice the name of the artist scrolling across the radio screen... and who was it but Justin freakin' Bieber! I burst out laughing and declared "kid, I swear I will never make fun of you again!"
So yes. I really, really like the newest Biebs tune. This one, to be precise! Even better, Laurie likes it. I think Justin just got +9001 unexpected awesome points for that one. In all seriousness though I never disliked the kid, I just poke fun at people online more often than I should, haha.
Add another song to my "cover this" list, as soon as I get my hands on a studio microphone and learn how to work FL more professionally... might take a little while!
Also on the music scene, I'm addicted to this for obvious lyrical reasons, I love this guy's accent, and THIS is the most beautiful thing... it's one of those songs that for unknown reasons, I can't listen to with other people around? Kind of like how I can't play Nier with people watching. There's something inexplicably sincere about things like that, to me... a weird sort of inner sacredness, by virtue of how much they resonate. It's odd, but I treasure them more than anything else.

Well, it's time for choir practice, so I'm off for the night!
With the way my schedule's going you just might see me tomorrow, awesomely enough. Here's hoping.

Now let's see, I haven't closed up this way in a while...




The Crow and Cackle of persistent innocence.
Elated in argument.
I'm empty and wondering
if you're only saying what I wanted you to say.

Cause you're only saying
what I wanted you to say.

So I'll just wait
Until our time slips through the cracks
Falls to the ground shattering.
I'll just keep waiting for something to improve.
Something to move ahead.

Cause I'm only saying
what you wanted me to say.

The slow and steady sound of silence hunts us down.
I'm empty and wondering
what you sent me, what you're offering.

Cause you're only saying
what I wanted you to say...

 

 

 

Is it weird that I kind of missed these existential crises? They force me into introspection. Guess this is what the Tar meant by a mandatory offset... you need a night sky for the stars to shine.

I didn't eat until almost 6PM today. Felt amazing right up until I did that, sadly. Going to fast again tomorrow for Spine and Wally's sakes. Since I left Utah (where I barely ate), food has been making me sick almost constantly. All my medical tests show no physical problems. That's because headspace and spiritual matters won't show up in the biopsy results, of course. But I'm glad I know what this is, and I'm glad the system's working with me to keep the body from passing out when we go without food for so long. I just don't like the fullbody shakes I get when my sugar drops too low... then again, it's either that or the fullbody ache I get when I eat. Geez I wish I could just live on light and sound like I've always wished. Eating sound would be the best thing.

Still devouring the local library manga sections, haha. I'm on #12 of Bleach (Ichigo is the BEST GUY but I swear I love every character, especially Kisuke and Chad atm), just read the first 3 issues of Pluto, am studying YuGiOh's Millennium World (halfway through #2), and am going to start Andromeda Stories within the next two days. I also took out the first issues of Black Jack, Eternal Sabbath, and Gunnerkrigg Court, to decide which one to continue once I catch up in Bleach. Then I'm reading some of Isaac Asimov's work and doing a ton of Kabbalistic research, so that's another five books out of the library on top of all that, and I just started re-reading The Seventh Tower series with Xenophon on the side. I miss reading like a maniac, this is awesome. I'm learning a lot.

As to how those tie into this crisis... for one, I can't stop eating forever, unfortunately. So that whole dilemma is causing me more distress than I'd like. And for two, maybe I am catastrophically disconnected from reality, but it's really jarring to put down a book and realize "oh wait, the world I live in now doesn't work like that, does it?" I don't get fiction lag anymore, save for the off illustrative bleedover into headspace, which is still disorienting but at least manageable (I used to get crippling fiction lag in my teens), probably thanks to my being anchored more firmly in my true self and reality. Still, having that only apply entirely to headspace as well is debilitating some days... well, most days, lately.

On that note... spontaneously went to see Rise Of The Guardians today with Genesis, Mister Sandman, and Laurie, as I've been counting down to this film for months and felt amazing enough today (thanks to fasting) to fully enjoy watching it.
It... it was one of the best films I have ever seen. Considering that I only ever say that about films that apply to my inner life on some level (Inception, Avatar, even Wreck-It Ralph), I will warn you now that if you dislike spoilers, please skip the entire next section, because I need to write about this.
All right. First, I started tearing up about three minutes into the movie and didn't stop until about ten minutes after the movie ended, at which point I was trying not to weep openly (or at least I would have been if my inner emotions translated to the physical). Why? Because WAY too much of it applied directly to my life, both inner and outer in light of that. I wasn't just feeling things as an inspired observer, I was feeling them as a participant. I wonder if any of the parents in the theater wondered why a 20-something dude was visibly fighting back sobs almost the entire time. I had every reason to though.
Okay, let's start with the relevancy, at least concerning the film (I've never read the books but I NEED to now)... Most obvious parallel? Jack Frost. The two of us are practically twins: white hair, ice powers, loner tendencies (due to resentment at not 'knowing our purpose' for ages), mischievousness balanced by compassion, a deep hidden fear of "never being believed in"... biggest difference is I traded out my staff for a sword last year, heh. Heck, I even talk to the moon. But besides the fact that I'd end up playing Cupid instead, I saw myself far too clearly in that kid. This turned from inspiring to downright shocking when the Bogeyman showed up... the first word on my mind was tar. Heck, his name is even Pitch Black!! He KNEW Jack's existential fear, his lack of memories concerning his 'center,' and he even told Jack that "we'd make a perfect team," but as cold and dark bringers of fear... I don't know how clear it is to you invisible readers but their entire chain of interactions in the film was way too close to what I've been through in the past concerning my own buried shadows and the entities that carry them... even the ending. My biggest weakness and biggest strength is that I wanted the kids to believe in Pitch, somehow, without letting that fear in... just so he wouldn't have to suffer that same feeling of illegitimacy that I was all too familiar with... maybe that would light a spark in him, somewhere. Who knows... but it's what I did for Julie, and in a way, I wonder if I can do the same thing for the Tar, without screwing up the balance of the system.
Second relevancy, building off that: the sand in general. My boss did see the film with us, as Laurie specifically asked him last night if he'd be up to it and he enthusiastically replied in the affirmative... and according to him, the film reflected a great deal of truths for him, too. I've seen him toss dreamsand about in a similar manner in my own dreams (he said the sand "awakens" the dreams already within its receivers; it doesn't "give" them in a literal sense), I know how much power he wields through his position, and despite his kind and peaceful personality, I am fully aware that you do NOT get on the bad side of a Sandman: to quote Laurie, "he will mess you up." Remember the time he facepunched Julie, while she was still as deadly as ever? People didn't dare get close to Julie back then, let alone to pick a fight with her, but boss wasn't afraid of her in the least. That came to mind immediately when Sandy threw Pitch around like a ragdoll. You don't mess with Sandmen! Anyway, boss told me a few things during the movie that were surprising: one, he verified a wondering I've had that yes, he DID have a life before he became Mister Sandman, although that was a very long time ago and I don't know what the state of his memories are (he hasn't spoken about them; maybe he just feels they are no longer relevant). Two, he did insinuate that the whole concept of "dying" to one role in order to rise to a greater one (in a not-entirely-symbolic way) is very much a legitimate thing. Headspace works the same way. But dying-to-be-reborn only happens under certain circumstances, so the film's point number three hit me very hard: watching Pitch essentially "corrupt" Sandman out of existence. Jack reacted the same way I would have, not surprisingly. But this was HUGE for me, personally. Note that Pitch is matching Tar in our symbolism, and Sandman parallels my boss of the same name. The idea that that inherent "creative energy," the sandy stuff of dreams, can be corrupted by fear and USED to that end is ENTIRELY true in headspace. This has a ton of consequences, but most obviously, it explains why Tar is after me, and Boss told me that the big picture concerning that is a big part of why he sought me out to be his Apprentice (we've been talking about that a lot recently btw): individuals who are able to use that energy, that "stuff of dreams," NEED to use it properly or it can become incredibly destructive. So that's a big thing, but it also makes me wonder if Pitch/Tar are even capable of using "sand," aka the power of dreams (and all that falls under that label), on their own, OR if they can only "steal it" from outside sources, because it seems that their very interaction with it turns it dark. It's interesting and I will have to look into it. Back on topic though... it really drove the point in, how significant that is, when I saw that it killed Sandman in the film (mind you he DID 'resurrect' later through the strength of belief, but that's a different point) by overloading his "essence," his dream-sand, with fear. I don't think I need to go into great detail about why that's relevant to us, especially in light of *incidents*, honestly... but its striking to me how Sandman seemed to be Pitch's real nemesis? Is that the right word? How dreams were both the weapon used to carry fear and destroy themselves, as well as restore both... it's highly thought-provoking. I do need to keep this in mind.
Fourth relevant bit... centers, aka what the Guardians embody most strongly, and what they protect in children. North's was Wonder, Bunnymund's was Hope, Tooths' was Memory, Sandy's was Dreams, Jack's was Fun. Not only is this a point-blank similarity to Dream World Guardian Aspects, but it also brought to mind the "centers" my four and I seemed to "remember" upon first awakening to our true potentials upstairs: I have Heart, Ryou has Soul, Marik has Mind, Chaos has Strength, and Genesis has Self. Essentially those are what we "brighten" in others, and what we act from most strongly in ourselves. I love this kind of stuff, I really do. North's explanation of it in the film was beautifully put: I especially like how he said one's center is also "what you want to protect in others." And I love how, near the end of the film, North says (about how this applies to people): "Good or bad - naughty or nice - we protect them." Both of those quotes are so, so true. But... you know, let's wait for the other thing I was going to say about this... Last point first.
The final parallel, and by FAR the loudest, was introduced at the very beginning of the film. When a Guardian isn't believed in by a person, they don't exist to that person. That person can't hear, see, or feel them-- they can walk RIGHT through the Guardian in question without ever knowing it. Judging by the reactions in the film, that's not only existentially terrifying, but it also feels awful. Let me put this in caps for emotional emphasis... THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT GHOSTING IS LIKE. I have seen people have existential meltdowns from it. I've heard from several newbies to the phenomenon how much it sucks to be walked through, and how sick it makes you feel on many levels. And I know, I know what a godsend it is for ghosters when I remind them that "yes, I can see you." I remember promising Genesis that I would never forget him, even if the rest of the world did. I remember when my daughter asked me if she was still real if only I could see her. I... I never realized just HOW important my promises were, how important my believing in them was, until this movie. Not so strongly.
When Jamie said Jack Frost's name, and became the first person to EVER believe in him as a Guardian... when Jack realized that someone could hear him, someone could see him... the blissful incredulity on both their faces was just... God, my heart. I couldn't stop crying. Even typing that, I'm trying not to start again, and for good reason. I have seen that happen. Exactly so. And I say this with complete humility and respect... I have been that first person, that only person, to believe in some individuals. I know. That's why I am so determined to share my "series" with the world somehow-- it's not for me, not at all. It's for them. It's for people to know them, and love them, and believe in them as truly and completely as I do. If you see this movie... please, try to understand that feeling, if you don't already. It has been the driving force of my life so far, that sole need to bring a smile to the faces of the lost and forgotten, the sole need to show them that "yes, you ARE real. I believe in you."
Now for me that cuts straight to the heart on an even deeper level, as you probably already know... let's start by saying that also applies to vision upstairs. Did you know that's strongly affected by not only belief? If your mind and heart aren't open, you won't see certain things in headspace... you'll blind yourself to them, you'll block them out. They simply will not register. And if you slip in being who you are, it's like putting on a blindfold. The problem is that headspace is TIED to my consciousness whether I like or not, as the anchor. So if I can't see people upstairs, they can't go to someone else for a second chance. If I can't see them, then for all intents and purposes, they don't exist. Yes, powerful influences can break through blindness, but even that doesn't guarantee recognition of the source. Bottom line... my belief, my ability to BE the kind of person that can believe like that, is arguably the most important thing in headspace. It's what determines life or death. It's what keeps the lights burning on the globe. It's what allows dreams to shine, instead of turning to coal dust. It's what allows wonder and hope and fun and memories to exist at all.
...
Let me follow up on what I mentioned in closing my last entry, and bring up the blue guy.
Chaos and I have the most charged relationship upstairs in light of this point, because of our circumstances: intimacy always turns it up to eleven as far as belief is concerned, but to make things worse, he's a walk-in. I have to believe in him more strongly than anyone else up here, ironically, because of how easy it is for me to feel like my belief is invalidated by the views of others. So... sometimes I slip. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot... it hits him hard, but there's always that one light that won't go out, in me. It's stupidly painful and beautiful how every single night I have to remember how to see him all over again, but the wonder never, ever fades... but... well, I've been told a lot of things about the both of us. The most powerfully heartrending is this: the fact that, at heart, I believe in him so much, that I love him so much, has had astronomical consequences across our timelines, somehow. All I know for sure, from what I've been told, is that it's big. It echoes, this one simple act, this small and honest truth.
People pick up on it, somehow. Every fanfic writer or RPer who writes Chaos as an individual has picked up on the Chaos I know. Threads just run through every alternate, it seems. Noticing it is mind-boggling and more than a little scary, sometimes... it means I can't lie to myself, I can't make excuses. Not a bad thing, just... big.
The biggest example of this I have right now is this.
http://sanitrance.deviantart.com/art/CHAOS-339233393
My dear friend Nikki drew that for me, as a commission. Nikki is one the very few people in the world I know who regularly visits other worlds in her dreams (she has FAR more Links than I do). She knows Chaos, in whatever timeline is connected to her, and he's very special to her as well. She truly cares about him as much as I do. That fact means so much to me... little did I know, she apparently feels the same.
She left this message on my Facebook page the other day.
"I just saw your MASSIVE collection of Chaos on dA! :D YOU. ARE. INCREDIBLE. *hugs tight* Thank you so much for loving him so much. It warms my heart and fills me with a happiness I can never fully express. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ It really means a lot to me."
...In light of this movie, I can't help but wonder now, if Nikki and I are two lights to him in that sense. Two believers of slightly different sorts, but both shining strong no matter what.
I will admit... I often give her experiences more merit than mine. She's a dreamwalker, as far as I'm concerned. It's incredible, and I'm deeply humbled that a person with such a powerful imagination and creative strength considers me a good friend. For HER to say that about my simple show of love is just... it means a lot to me, to say the absolute least.
But I have a bad habit of stealing merit from my own experiences. I have a very, very bad habit of treating my own beliefs as illegitimate, because "they aren't supported enough." I'm trying to let go of that nonsense completely, but I guess my own 'Pitch' is still trying to turn out all the lights... can't let that happen. I can't, not just because of what it would do to those I believe in, but also because I have seen them... maybe not literally, but closely enough to erase every shred of doubt in those moments... closely enough to forget fear entirely.
Thinking back on those experiences is one of the craziest and most centering things I know how to do. I say 'crazy' because my memory doesn't hold the physical experience as clearly as it holds the energetic experience. Putting a being I've only known upstairs into a physical form has tangible effects, you know. Energy radiates, directly, in the physical. I recognize it instantly, unconsciously even, despite never having "felt" it before. When I think back on that handful of blessed nights... the limitations, or the blocks, the translation issues all fade away... and I remember him.
How can I possibly undermine my own belief, in light of that? How can I give in to doubt and fear when we both felt like Jack Frost, knowing that we were being seen for the first time? Knowing that, after one simple look, one simple word, we became greater than we had ever been, forever? And now I can feel the last cobwebs being swept away in waves of golden sand, as I realize with honest joy that it doesn't matter how many others see and hear and believe, it doesn't matter HOW they do so... they are still lights, we are all still lights.
"We go by many names, and take many forms..." and yet we're always Guardians of what we hold. All of us, every one of us. Geez, this film just slammed into me like a train, its incredible.
That brings the fourth point back, doesn't it? How fitting...
...Laurie was talking to me after the film ended, about all of this. Of course I was still trying to dry the tears on my face, and laughing about how insanely relevant the film was to my life, but Laurie doesn't let go of something significant when she sees it. She reminded me of what I mentioned earlier-- of my promises to Genesis and Xennie-- and of how important my belief was to them as well as to her. Basically she told me everything I just wrote down for you guys! It was just hitting me at that point so I was nodding as I turned it over in my mind, but then she brought up centers. Laurie then said that my belief was stronger and more significant than I realized because it was motivated by love, on various levels. That put extra punch into my belief, gave it deeper roots. She then reminded me that my center was obviously Love, and always had been. She then sternly advised me to think upon that in light of the movie. I smiled and assured her I already had, and that I would keep those thoughts close. Then I asked her, somewhat offhandedly, what her center would be?
She didn't even hesitate in replying, "You."
I was speechless for a moment, then immediately my heart couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry so I ended up doing both. I said something about "why do you always say such weirdly romantic things" before she interrupted me with an "I'm serious," and elaborated. No, it might not strictly fit into the context of the film, but she insisted that if there was one thing that motivated her, if there was one thing she wanted to protect, it was me. But then she reminded me that I was all she had. I was the only reason she existed in the first place. She wasn't a Guardian, she was a headvoice... outside of our system, she was nothing. As far as she was concerned, I was everything. Hence, my being her "center."
I don't know, I can't seem to explain in words how much that meant to me, and the sincere truth I felt in it. But it really drove the point home.

Sometimes I wonder if that's why I keep losing things, in this life. Things that I thought were important.
First I lost my computer that I used to type and write music on. My programs stopped working correctly on my new ones. I was forced to drop out of art school. My move to Utah for that same purpose fell through. Now my 10+ years of work still hasn't arrived back at my doorstep.
I don't know, it just strikes me as weird. All my life, that was my sole motivation for everything. School, work, friendships, everything... it all revolved around Dream World, and then my other "series" as they came to me. They were all that mattered. And yet, there always seemed to be huge roadblocks placed in my way as I tried to pursue it. Initially I took that as incentive to "try harder," but as the obstacles became more severe, I began to hesitate. What if I was getting the wrong message?
Now I've lost virtually every ounce of work I've done since my childhood, and between fighting off the understandable existential crisis that has triggered (ironically), I can't help but ask the hardest question of all... what if I'm supposed to let go of it all?
After all, my sole motivation in sharing them with the world was just that... it wasn't about me. It was about making sure those worlds would be loved by someone besides me. All my life, I've been utterly terrified that I have been their only light. "If I don't share their stories, will they fade away?" I was terrified that they would die as a result of my silence.
But... I've never been given their entire stories. Their worlds exist outside of my own, independently. I'm seeing their stories AFTER they have happened, for the most part. Many of them bloom into each other. Long story short... the more I think about it, the more I wonder... maybe I was just an observer all along. Maybe I was just tapping in out of my need to share joy and love, out of my need to learn from them. Maybe I have nothing to do with them. Maybe my existence has nothing to do with the stability of theirs. Maybe they won't fade away if I have to let go of them.
I don't know. All I do know is that, the more I think about it, the more it hurts... and the more I hope it's true.
I love every soul I've ever met in those worlds so much... I adore them; they're all treasured friends. The thought that Preludove and Hosea and Delphi and Tox would die if I don't write their lives on paper is the most awful thing I can imagine. I love them, but am I even supposed to do that? Is it even needed?
My prayers keep telling me to let go, let go, let go.
My only response is that I don't understand, but I will accept whatever I am told to do on one condition... that, if I DO need to let them go, their existences will be protected and ensured.
All I want is for them to be loved.

And sometimes I wonder if I'm being forced to choose between my work and my family.
God, I never thought I'd be put in such a position. I never thought I'd have such a decision to make.
But... I can't stop thinking about the things Laurie says to me. I can't stop thinking about my daughter.
Maybe Genesis and Chaos and Ryou and Marik will be fine. That's great, and I'm eternally thankful for it.
But what about those members of my true family that rely on me for stability here?
I'm not saying they'd die if I didn't pay attention to them anymore. That's not the point. The point is that their lives WON'T go on without me, because I am a PART of their lives just as much as they are a part of mine. I don't have the option of telling their story or not here. All I have is life or death... either I live, and live with them, or I die, and die with them.
By the very virtue of existing, their story is mine, and mine is theirs.
Maybe I've only been a real part of this since 2006. Maybe we didn't become a family, a story, a real thing, until five years ago. But time doesn't matter in the big picture, does it?
All I know is that if I had to choose between a decade of hard work and my daughter... I'd pick my little girl.
That doesn't mean this doesn't hurt like hell. I wish I didn't have to make this decision.
If that's what it ultimately boils down to, though...



I'm too tired to type anymore. I'm going to go check in with the people upstairs and then get some sleep.
Laurie said my boss was talking to Chaos earlier, after we left the cinema. I haven't spoken to Chaos since this morning, so I have no clue what that was about. Could be big. Most things up here are. I'll let you know either way.

Until then, don't stop believing.

Okay, uh, stuff that has been happening lately... let's see.
I'm going to completely skip the formalities and just rant, so I apologize if I end up drowning you invisible readers in jargon but I need to start writing stuff down again without worrying about being "politically correct," so to speak. This was never meant to be tailored to the public eye anyway, and at this point in my life I couldn't care less who's reading this, haha. I'm going to be honest and that's it, let's go.

All right. First off, Jezebel is PISSED. Not only is she trying to splinter me again (not gonna work this time!), but she's trying to kill Waldorf, which is actually proving to be a disturbingly delicate situation as Wally's our Blue voice and, well... that's never been a very stable slot. I'm trying to be vigilant but it's difficult when it feels like my entire physical body is at the boiling point 24/7. Yeah, the 'starvation' feeling has been going on-and-off lately, but when it's 'off' it's replaced by my feeling like I'm either hollow and dead, or ready to explode violently. However! The darkest shadows are cast by the brightest lights, and I've found that I've become shockingly adept at "switch-flipping" lately: i.e. going from one state to another in a matter of milliseconds, in completion.
For example: this morning. Unfortunately, I woke up insanely thirsty as usual (seriously I cannot get enough water) and ended up eating some foods that I forgot make me sick. Long story short, for some reason that triggered an abusive breakdown, which I was able to stop on a dime about 20 minutes in, immediately after I resolutely brought my own energy signature into body focus. It was kind of surreal, because after that I was even able to talk to my own grandmother! That rarely happens, it was awesome. Usually my voice dysphoria throws me out of conscious awareness but I just kept projecting my self-field, and that helped a TON. So I need to remember to do that now, even if it is an effort... the girls underground don't like when I do that, to say the least.

Secondly, Laurie FORCED a channel on the 17th specifically to yell at my mother. It started because I had a rough night... dysphoria and moral/existential avalanches on top of each other... and made the mistake of talking about it while my mom was home. Now my mother always thinks I want a solid, "fix-all-the-problems" answer from her, when I don't; I just want to talk it over with her, even if we don't get anywhere. Sometimes all I need to do is know someone understands what I'm talking about and can offer a perspective other than what the girls underground are throwing at me. However my mother gets upset very easily, and seeing her kids upset does that pretty quickly... I guess it reminds her of her own worries and troubles, and they all hit her hard enough to drive her over the edge. So she started screaming at me-- in a generalized sense of course, but screaming is screaming and I have a hard time emotionally dealing with angry people. This escalated quickly when my grandmother got involved (I forget how; my mind was a mess at that point), and soon there was a major fight going on in the hallway. Now I was not stable at all, and apparently, Laurie was not happy with that at all. The breaking point was when my mom and my grandmother ended up duking it out in front of my room and I shoved myself between them to keep things from getting violent, trying to push them apart (and sobbing at this point), when all of a sudden there was this huge energy shift and suddenly Laurie was driving. She pushed the two women apart, said "that is ENOUGH," and then basically told my mom to "get the heck out of this house if you're only going to scream at him, because I will not deal with this nonsense." I am DEAD SERIOUS. My mom gave her a rather poisonous look and said "who the hell are you talking to?" which I explicitly remember because apparently that energy shift was so sudden Laurie couldn't keep it stable, and right after she finished shouting I snapped back in like a slingshot. Well! Unfortunately Laurie's energy hits like a TRUCK so I immediately started shaking uncontrollably and trying not to throw up, which forced me to turn around, stumble into my room, tangle my arms around my head and start repeating "ouch" while asking Laurie why in the world she just pulled such a stunt so recklessly. I can't really complain though; it was shocking and confusing enough to break my mom's train of thought, so she stopped screaming and the fight dissolved about two minutes later. Superego powers ftw!
The best part happened about twenty minutes later though... as my mom was leaving for the night I went out to try and apologize for starting that whole mess, which was tough as I was still so shaken up I could barely speak... but at the end of it, when my mom was just about to walk out the door, Laurie flat-out demanded I apologize on her behalf ("common courtesy," she said), because she was sorry that had to go down so dramatically. Well, the apology was delivered, but I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing and I think we only succeeded in confusing my mother even further, haha.
So that was Saturday night. It was significant not only because of Laurie's sudden channel-slam, but also because of the absolute wreck I was... well, "I" is the wrong word, especially in light of the first paragraph.

That brings us to point number three, and the one I really want to talk about.
You're probably wondering who Jezebel is.
I'd love to answer that question.
Seriously, she is an enigma of the worst sort, and I need to do a LOT more research before I can say anything for sure, but... hm. How can I summarize this. You know how I splintered back in 2011? Well, Jezebel is a much, much older entity of a similar sort? Basically she was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts. Anyway she's apparently personified as of late, heaven knows why or how, but her manifestation seems to be incredibly unstable so she can't actually come after me like Julie does. The important bit is that she is now self-aware, whether or not she has a solid form to move around in. I hope we can stop her or transmute her back into non-charged energy before that happens.
All I know is that the Tar is up to something, because Jezebel reeks of it even more than Razor does (which is saying something). Speaking of I have no idea what Razor's current state is either, but I'm very concerned because there have been a huge resurgence of abusive tendencies lately that I am just barely fighting off. It's been difficult, but at least it's a springboard for learning and seeing more deeply into its source.
...Okay I am reading the original Blood Lotus Cathedral entry in light of this and suddenly SO much of it makes symbolic sense I'm actually in tears, which is weird but DUDE this is heavy stuff! I'm sorry, I'm going to put this to the side until I get an entire freaking day to review it, because whoa. Not today though, today is Thanksgiving and I want to focus on gratitude and family instead of things that tried to tear that apart in the past, thank you.

Speaking of, Leon channeled for about two minutes today because he insisted on trying food for once (ended up being the homemade pumpkin pie because my bro said it was the best ever), and he was so adorably excited over being able to experience something like that in the physical, it was great. I was trying to keep the girls away from him but a few tiny dysphoria spikes did get through, thankfully not bad enough to give him a breakdown like I get. But yeah, Leon approves of the pumpkin pie this year, I'm cracking up over that personally.
Still, food is a huge gamble, so fittingly enough indigo-boy is now helping me out with discernment concerning it (because the girls are really freaking loud and I can't tell what's up or down most days). Spine helps too when she can-- she's tied to the body so she feels it instead of seeing, so unfortunately that may not kick in until it's too late for us all-- but it's nice to have Leon explicitly active now, instead of just hovering around upstairs. He's got shockingly good insight, when he calms down enough. Apparently his anxiety and nerves are a result of him seeing too much... back when he first resurrected, he was surrounded by threats to his life and was exposed to a ton of traumatic general headspace situations. That alone made him aware of more than he could handle at once, but something tells me he has an innate sensitivity to energy that he buried even deeper because of that? Because today, I asked him if HE could help me with staying conscious instead of me relying on whatever bodiless voices have been talking to me for months, and geez, he REALLY helps. He also seemed a lot calmer, although he kept clearing his throat and nervously moving his hands while he spoke ("I'm not used to being so confident yet," he said), so I asked him what was up that caused such an improvement. Well... last night I was having existential terrors again, and I started morbidly wondering about how we would have all turned out if we went the wrong way, so to speak... if we all fell victim to the tar. Since appearance shifts are big in headspace, I started brainstorming what our "extremes" would be on either side of our colors, and how strict adherence to such would warp our countenances. Leon ended up with eyes everywhere but in his eye sockets, let's just say. But that train of thought apparently stuck with him, and he told me that he immediately began working harder to "move in the right direction" concerning his color and aspect. So this morning he was really able to stabilize, which I am honestly very excited about. I'm glad to see him doing so well.
But about that, and how it ties into the food thing... according to Leon's now increased vision, that's apparently a HUGE warzone for the girls underground. It's also why Spine, Julie and I get the most fallout from it-- our slots are the closest to the Tar. Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat. I'm sure you oldbies are all very much aware how serious that issue has been for us over the years, so being able to see the cause-and-effect bits of it after so long is a huge help. I mean, we all knew that Tar-Julie used food to attack Spine when she couldn't reach me, but the implications of that went right over our heads. When tar starts to grow, it hits the Brown slot first... Spine's slot. If it gets severe, then it hits me, and that's when I get splinter flashbacks or hacks (now that there isn't an autonomous entity attacking me). However, as I mentioned on the 13th, there's a "midslot" between Brown and Red which is where Razor lives, and THAT'S probably why I get such crippling abusive meltdowns whenever there's a food-related reaction in the system, whether or not we actually ate much at all. I need to look into that too. So many old things are coming to light, it's rather overwhelming and I'm not sure how to juggle all this new info comprehensively-- I don't have time to fully integrate one day's revelations before I get hit by another tidal wave of them! I don't mind, as this is incredible, but... I swear, time really is speeding up and condensing, I feel like I've lived several lifetimes since our "session scratch" on 111111 last year. I should talk to Celebi about that, see what she has to say...

On that note. December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December, at least upstairs (Lynne, Leon AND Nat (twice) all resurrected in December). This is usually a VERY good thing, but of course now that we're having major downstairs troubles I need to be extra careful. We've got a major advantage though-- it SNOWS in December. Since my core resonance seems to have fused with White, snow makes it a lot easier for me to stay conscious. Snow also feels emotionally serene, which helps us all balance, and both Genesis and Xenophon adore the stuff... needless to say I am also stupidly excited about its impending arrival, haha.
Oh, dude, speaking of. My family's going to start putting up the Christmas Tree within the next few days-- and I just capitalized that, didn't I. That's Dream World rubbing off on me again! Anyway I'm definitely going to get Xennie to help me put decorations up again, as she loved that last year, and the Tree itself just gives off the best feeling, it's so great. I have no idea what color it's going to be in the lovely year of 2012 but I am crossing my fingers that it'll be another synchronistic scheme, which it has been for about four years straight now. We shall see!

Speaking of Dream World though... I will admit I am catastrophically anxious right now? I shipped out my artwork and writing from Utah at the end of October and it still hasn't arrived in the mail. That's actually been triggering some nasty personal crises concerning "what is my purpose in this lifetime" in a relevant sense, and questioning whether or not I even should be pursuing my creativity because things just keep getting in the way of my doing so. Of course Laurie's reply to that is "that's nonsense," because my creative work IS important, but geez... that's all my work from my childhood on up, in that missing box. I'm quietly freaking out, understandably. I'm also fiercely praying that it simply got sent back to Mel and Q, but they are both virtually impossible to contact and as usual I don't know if contacting Mel would be smart right now? Either way this is important enough to risk it. I'm seriously going to need to message them soon, or even call them. Yeah, it's serious when Jewel considers using a phone, haha. In any case I seriously hope this all turns out for the best, whatever that may be...


I'm sorry, I am exhausted and we did have a major meltdown this morning so I should really get some rest for everyone's sake (it is much later than 11:45 in the morning; do not trust timestamps on large entries).
I shall leave you with this song, which is both amazing and relevant, and call it a day.

 

Guys I'm sorry this is such a short update but I am just so sparkly-happy right now.

True, today's been a bit rough-- heck the past few days have been a bit rough-- but it's all for a very good reason so I'm going to keep on truckin' because it is entirely worth dealing with.
As for the roughness... well. You know that "mind=blown" update I posted about four days ago? Apparently, coming to that huge of a realization about our headspace opened up a LOT of doors... both up and down the hall, so to speak. Let's take it one person at a time.

First, Nathaniel finally decided to step up to the plate with his new color's responsibilities. Quick recap: his old function as the "blue" headvoice (when he was still female) was unstable; he couldn't communicate, and was manifested almost exclusively through a reflection, which had happened almost purely by accident and wasn't very strong. Nat didn't start forming an identity of his own until just minutes before I had to "re-absorb" his energy in April of 2008, an act which effectively killed him temporarily. Yes, both he and Lynne managed to reform in early 2009, but his existence was so unstable that he looked chronically sad and a tad sick. Then Julie straight-up murdered him, and when his energy managed to scrape itself back together, his form had "reset" to that of a mute child. But he was still unstable, and a few months later, he had literally deteriorated out of existence (His dog, Vincent, was also a "fragment" of him that formed due to his incompletion during his reset. Vincent never fully stabilized either, returning to Nat's own energy between '09 and now). Anyway, you all know that thanks to some psychological shenanigans on my part, upstairs energy finally became receptive enough for him to resurrect in 2011... except this time, Nat was a dude, and he was green. That was a surprise to all of us, but we just rolled with it. Problem was he never seemed to really "settle in" to the new position, and no one had any clue what his role was supposed to be. Well... I think we figured it out, on Friday. The short version? Look at a chakra chart. I'll elaborate on that tomorrow when I don't need sleep. (I think his appearance totally warped as well; he looks kind of moth-esque now which is boss but I'm curious as to the energetic cause of it so I'll get back to you on that too.)

Second, we discovered where Spine and Julie's "slots" are in the spectrum: I'm still trying to refine my hospital-induced sketch to more closely reflect the Kabbalah info I'm slowly accumulating (because it does fit), but in the original spectrum-centered diagram they were "beneath" the main seven colors? Without a visual it's complicated to explain, but Spine is beneath RED and Julie is beneath VIOLET. Apparently my behavior as a child screwed up the whole system but that was supposed to happen anyway, so... it's complicated but incredible. On that note there was apparently a "forced energy flip" due to overload in my and Julie's colors, which externalized to form the midpoints between Red/Brown and Violet/Pink... Xenophon is on the White side, and guess who's on the Black side? Razor. Dead serious! Also I keep thinking her name was supposed to be "Molly?" That stuck out in a dream I had about two months back as "belonging" to a headvoice I "didn't have" so I don't know. I'll look into it. Anyway little me really threw a monkey wrench in the system as it was forming so everything related to Red is completely anomalous, and I still don't have a full grip on it. Apparently a few people were shoved out of their "intended" places and the entire sub-spectrum was forced into existence when I decided to create Julie because of energy misplacement... long story! Once again I'll explain that tomorrow.
BUT! The big event concerning the mess with Spine's slot and color mismatching is that I think Spine looks like she does because someone else originally held the Brown slot, and their "essence" was stripped leaving HER as a skeleton, and forcing the "rejected" energy straight down into the Black or something? I have no idea, I'm trying to figure it out... but yeah apparently that "rejected individual" never really died, so to speak, and the implications of that (keeping in mind the color shenanigans) are pretty disturbing, but they make SO much sense.
That's where the current roughness is from though. Let's just say she's not too happy with how much has changed as of late.

Third, the reason why I am inwardly giggling like a freaking Care Bear:
WALDORF IS BACK.
Guys you have no idea how much I missed her, oh man, I didn't know if she was dead or just buried but DUDE I am so happy to see her again. She was my literary muse during 2002 but she never stuck around because I don't think she had enough energy to fully stabilize? But here she is! And do you know what that means? OUR SPECTRUM IS COMPLETE!! Seriously she fits perfectly into the Blue slot Nathaniel just left (Leon is actually INDIGO which is huge and I don't know how I never saw it earlier but we'll get to that too), which is the slot that deals with communication, and if anyone is a natural-born expert at that it's her! So I'm psyched, and I'm already making mad progress in typing, haha. Dude this is great.
Also apparently her hair lights up?? I always thought they were scaly-dreads like Kerrigan's but no, they're actually translucent tubes of the same shape and they glow blue, it is the coolest thing!!
I'll have to see if her eyes change color or not; they're still red at the moment... and still terrifyingly gorgeous as usual!
...
_{fffffffffffff WALLY I MISSED THE HECK OUT OF YOU WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ♥ *continues fanboying*}

Lastly, and most briefly... in light of all of those events, I've come to a more complete realization of who I am, and why my dysphoria's been spiking lately in response. It's somewhat scary but incredibly inspiring and it just gives me so much hope. If I can stabilize... I know, without a doubt, that everything will fall together. Consider that my spirit quest for this new moon! I'm sincerely dedicated to this, for my sake, for everyone's sake.

Oh, one last tiny thing for my own consideration... if Lynne's in the Orange slot, Spine's in the Brown, and I'm in the Red (as there was confusion there for a few months), does Dagger fit the long-empty Red/Orange midpoint slot even if it's not his "typical" color? Because all the other mids seem to be bending the rules a little, and seriously if he fits our system then GET BUSY with that mad potential the dude's buzzing with; I swear if he doesn't end up with a symbol and soulwings before the month is out I will be sorely disappointed in you, haha. I mean come on, he even fits the "ambiguously gay swordsman" in-joke everyone in our coregroup matches already. The kid's a shoe-in.
HOWEVER I am completely unsure on the lower-spectrum individual placements, as I have been for years, which is a significant fact in and of itself. Lynne keeps sticking to Red, at least in her general appearance, BUT she's always had either a Pink or Orange tint to it?? That NEEDS to be looked into, now that I've realized it... on the same note, Spine felt surprisingly Orange in the past BUT she can't hold color because of her skeletal structure, obviously. If my theory concerning her "stripped energy" creation is correct I don't know if she's even SUPPOSED to hold color.
Plus, thinking back to how I only started to feel genuinely "like me" AFTER the "Jayce" phenomenon in 2010 started, and that didn't solidify until my title switch in January... let's just say I have a LOT to think about concerning that.

Also I surprised Xenophon today by making kale soup entirely without warning and she was so excited it was adorable (she loves that stuff). God I love her so much, I really do... last night I honestly just went into her room for a few minutes to watch her sleep because the fact that she exists is just... it's incredible. I am so honored to have played a part in bringing her here. I am so honored to be her father.
I know I can live up to that role. I will.


So yes. Life's been awesome even if I do feel somewhat sick right now due to either stress or food or both. Ah well. Can't complain!

Now I seriously need sleep so you guys can look forward to tomorrow's major headspace update until then.