prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with xanga

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

You're just a stranger.

I walk in the black light.

Boy to a soldier.

I'm fighting the good fight.

Are you really?

Yes.

Then tell me why we're here.

...Because of this morning.

Not just because of this morning, you idiot. Because we're trying to start over again here and you keep screwing the heck up. You keep reverting back to the old coding when your system doesn't even read that language. It's old and outdated. Forget what they think. You're the one, and they have no bloody idea what your life is like. They don't know.

I need to get that tattooed straight onto my right arm, so it never slips my mind, ever.

That's a good idea, knowing your head. Listening to Nier?

Yeah. I think it's literally battling Klonoa for my all-time fave videogame OST as we speak.

Heheheh. May the best music win.

True.

But about this morning. I'm pissed that you tried to override yourself again, but I'm pretty freaking happy about what resulted from it.

That awful heartache and guilt?

Heck yes. I can't even remember the last time you broke down and took a good look at yourself. You've been so stone-cold desensitized you aren't even noticing when you screw up now.

And you know what's funny? It's always the same mistake, the same little thing, and no one but me sees it as a problem.

What did I just tell you? Old code. They don't know.

Yes, yes, but it's a thought. It's my ONLY major screwup now, so to speak. All the other things... the unconscious thoughts and other backlogs, I'm fighting those and winning. "Be careful of your thoughts, for they ultimately become your destiny." I know that, and I keep a close watch.

But it's a never-ending battle.

It is.

Better than living a dull and thoughtless life, eh?

Amen to that.

By the way, pay attention. This matters, not that nonsense.

Sorry.

Do you mean it? You gotta stop spitting out apologies on reflex. MEAN them.

I do, I honestly do.

Make sure. The last thing we need is for you to become a thoughtless regurgitator.

What am I now?

You're you. That's all, and that's enough. Don't lose sight of it. And stop being so distracted. I think that's your biggest vice right now. You take your eyes off what's important, and before you know it, you're lost.

There's so much out there I don't know or understand, Laurie. It keeps me awake every night.

I know; you think I'm unaware of your insomnia nowadays? Geez. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, especially not when you're Celebi hirself. Your forests are the greenest the world has ever seen.

Are you sure?

I am absolutely sure. You know, you're always wondering why 99% of the people you meet say you're such an 'amazing person,' that 'the world needs more of you,' that you're a beautiful little anomaly. You're always asking why, why, why. You know why. How many Celebis are out there? One. You're the one.

Sounds like I'm indebted to Jem Godfrey.

Yeah, no kidding. That man played a huge part in saving you lately.

True... geez, I don't know what else to talk about.

There are way too many things to talk about. We could argue for days and not cover everything, but it's late, and you already know all the answers.

Do I?

Go find out. I'm here if you need me.

We need to talk, seriously talk, as soon as we can... I miss this. I miss being able to see like I once could.

You still can.

I know. I just... haven't been. It hurts.

Of course it hurts; your eyes aren't supposed to be that screwed up. That's what our next topic will be... you fixing yourself for good. You being reborn, so to speak.

Hence the icon.

Exactly. Now go to bed.

I find it amazingly coincidental how I have a Neoeye cake this year.

Destiny calls, boy. Destiny calls, and it is delicious.

Haha, if you say so!

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

I need to escape. Sorry I'm late.

No worries kid. I hear 'em fighting. Geez.

Let's not think about that, though... there are more important things to worry about.

Like what the heck you've been doing lately.

...Yeah. Thanks for the, uh... the arm bandage.

Kid, you were asking for it. I'm surprised it's working as well as it is.

My brain must constantly need new ways of doing things, I swear. Every time we find something that works, it'll work fine for a little while and then wham, suddenly it's completely ineffective.

Your body keeps freakin' adapting and desensitizing. It's infuriating.

I know; you're not the only one.

I'm also infuriated because you seem to have forgotten why we're here.

Oh yeah...

Yeah. Leon. Why the HELL has he become personified?

Laurie, I wish I knew. He's been a huge burden on me for years the way it is--

I KNOW. That's why I'm so concerned! Why did he suddenly find a body now, of all times? I thought we were through with this bloody mind-mania already. 2008 was bad enough, as you so frequently remind me.

I... I don't know. Should we ask him?

...What.

Do you want me to bring him in here?

Are you INSANE? Actually, no, don't answer that. But geez, kid! We're supposed to be tearing him back apart, not reinforcing his existence!

But, you said that we might be able to turn him against Julie.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know! But listen, Jewel. I've had enough of all the headvoices. This guy is purely malicious when it comes to long-term effects. What good is his existence doing you? It's not doing ANY, that's what. So don't you dare bring him in here. I want him dead.

Can we... get rid of him, though? I don't exactly want to absorb him; his 'influence' is a big enough problem for me the way it is.

Yeah-- paranoia, risk, obsessive-compulsion, back-of-the-mind gambling. Ticks me off.

Me too, Laur! Can you imagine what havoc he'd wreak on me in July? Thank God I've been able to face up to him lately.

...Wait. Maybe that's why he personified.

Why, because I'm fighting back?

Yeah. Absolutely. He recognizes that he's in danger, so he's trying to directly face us over it! Geez, boy, have you even looked at him? Freakin' straggly sonofagun. I swear if I kicked him I'd probably break half his skinny little ribs.

He doesn't look too good, no.

Huh. Maybe we should just keep on fighting, then... see how that goes. MAKE SURE.

I will. I promise.

That too. Be careful with your promises; you keep handing them out like business cards, but the office number doesn't even exist. You can't keep every promise you make. Heck, you can't even come CLOSE to keeping some of them! You're no superhuman, boy. You're just you, and that is better than superhuman.

But I still can't keep all my promises.

Heh, nobody's perfect. Plus I see you yawning.

What about it?

You have work at 9AM tomorrow, and it's almost 11:30PM right now. You need to get to work, or I'm going to start calling your boss.

Think we should cut this one short, then?

Sure. Give you a break; give you time to think about this freaking Leon situation. Not only that, but I have a ton of stuff I want to discuss with you but can't at this hour.

Like what?

All sorts of things. Old stuff, new stuff... maybe drag your friends in here again. We just need to talk. I've noticed that when we slack off, bad things start happening.

Yeah, you're right.

Now get the heck to bed before I kick your ass.

Geez, that's blunt!

Better than being sharp, kid! I have an axe right here if you want me to use it!

Point taken, Laur.

Very funny.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

LYNNE STABELLE

CHAOS ZERO

VEZERAI

Well, Laurie, here we are.

Heck yes! Let's get this done so you can finish that crazy work of yours.

It might take a while, though. I'm talking to Mel right now and praying that they're doing better.

Wait wait wait, this is about Mel? Is that what you meant? What the hell is going on?

They're... seeing bloody things. They said they feel 'toxic' and are hearing voices like me.

...Geez. That's... not good. The last thing they need is a Laurie in their head.

That's what I said. I mean-- wait, you're not a bad thing.

Only because you got to know me, boy. You remember what it was like after I got out of that mirror... I hated you. I bloody well hated you, and nothing was going to change that. Thank God I was wrong.

Do you think maybe Mel's voices are like you in that way, then?

What, in that they might actually hate Mel? There's a good chance they might. Most voices I know are like that.

Lynne's not.

Lynne and Natalie are different; they're not voices. They're fragments. Lynne is the 'adult lifestyle' and Natalie is childhood naivete; two parts of yourself you don't understand anymore. You formed them; they didn't just shove an axe through the door frame like I did.

Lynne did just show up.

Because you completely dissociated yourself from your age back then, remember? You were standing in the back of that church and you were scared out of your fractured mind. For all technical purposes you were nothing but a frightened child, faced with some unknown horror that was about to slice your stomach open.

You.

Inevitably. And that's when your lost confidence stood up to me.

That I did.

Aha, and wouldn't you know it! How are you, my old friend?

Confused, for one. I'm not sure why you want me in here.

We need help. Thought maybe you could give some.

Well, I'll do my best. Jewel, are you okay? You don't look well.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm alright. It's not me I'm worried about.

You're always like that, Jewel.

Pfhahah! She got you good!

Eh, maybe, but the point still stands. We're here because my good friend Mel might be falling into a destructive headvoice situation or the like. I want to prevent that, so I'm gathering up you guys for insight.

Ahem.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Hold on one moment...

What you listening to?

Fat Jon. Good thinking music. I, uh... hope you don't mind.

Hello.

Hey. Nah, I've gotten used to her.

Seriously? Hah, that's a shocker!

It is!

And, um, we have a new guy.

...

Ohoho, dude. Hello there.

You're not--?

Nah, we're not here to pick your brain, boy. We just need your... expertise, how you say.

On what? I don't even know you.

Heh, lucky. Name's Laurie. I'm Jewel's superego; kind of like a chronically censorious conscience.

But I thought superegos were just psychological concepts.

Yeah, most are. I'm just a lucky concept that became personified.

Vez, I thought you were terrified of psychology?

Only when it applies to analyzing me. It's better to know what I'm up against regardless.

Good point.

Well guys, let's get to work. As you may or may not know, a beloved friend of mine is having some trouble with disturbing hallucinations and headvoices. The last thing I want is for them to go through something like my 2008, so I hoped that we could work out a plan of action, or even just some advice as to what they or I should do.

What are you hoping for though, love? We can't exactly quiet their own voices.

No, but maybe we can help them manage them. You all know what Laurie was like before I befriended her.

I do indeed.

Heh...

Laurie's the... purple one, right?

Yeah, that's me. I used to be a throat-slicing, skull-splitting scourge.

Oh.

She still is sometimes.

True, but at least she's not inherently malicious now. She used to function purely on violent vengeance and hate. I don't know what's driving Mel's voices, if anything, but if it's as negative as that then I need to help them face those voices.

Can you, though? There's not much we can do outside of their own mind.

It's better to try than to just stand around helplessly.

Jewel's right. I would have never, ever stabilized if I didn't have others helping me.

You think Mel needs a Dev or a Prelude to help?

Well, I daresay Q's their peace-bringer already... I don't know if I'd fit Dev's role though.

That person's not like me; that's not going to work. They need their own people. Not mine.

Vez, don't panic. I'm just using it as an example. I apologize.

You don't know what Mel needs.

I'm trying to figure that out, Lynne.

Can you? Should you?

Please, Lynne, don't shoot me down here. I'm desperate already.

I'm not shooting you down, Jewel. I'm just trying to be logical. Your solutions may not be their solutions by a long shot.

Alright, excuse me Lynne, but shut up.

What?

Just shut up, okay? My boy's breaking his heart over this and all you can say is 'this might not work at all!' We bloody KNOW that, alright? We're just trying our best in spite of it, because hell, we might succeed after all. If you're going to drag us down, you can just as easily get up and leave.

I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I'm sorry if you took it that way.

Ffh.

Guys, let's back this up. Jewel, just be there for Mel if nothing else.

I am, I am... but after I almost lost Dori TWICE when I could have done something, I am not going to risk losing Mel to a hell I've barely survived myself, so help me God.

I don't blame you.

I understand. I just want you to realize that this may be entirely out of our hands.

I'm still going to take a shot. I have to. I care too much.

Mm... In that case, I'll support you without further comment. I have to admire your determination.

Geez Lynne, when did you get so... I don't know, Vulcan-esque?

I have to be the voice of reason. Jewel and Laurie are both incredibly volatile.

Doesn't mean you have to be so bloody emotionless about it.

Laurie, I-- I'm just speaking the truth.

Whatever.

Lynne, don't let her bug you. I appreciate your warning and I know it's true, but Laurie's being just as honest. We're taking this chance.

What are we doing first then? What do you need my 'expertise' for?

Well Vez, you've been through more than all of us combined, and personally I find that you and I are creepily alike sometimes.

Uh-huh.

So maybe you'd understand the hallucinating and hearing voices.

I don't hear voices, Jewel, you do. And I only hallucinate because of my PTSD.

Yeah, but I have no idea what that's like.

It's awful.

I imagine it would be..

You know what? You were saying something about Mel seeing 'bloody things.' The hell does that mean?

From what I gather, they're hitting edges of a 'Johnny phase' here and there.

Oh geez. In that case, Jewel, I don't think any of us are going to be much help. You're the only one of us with doughboys and nailbunnies.

What's a 'Johnny phase?'

It's my term for a phase when one becomes uncharacteristically violent or 'unhinged.' You remember I was in one of those for a long time in 2008.

Is that when you started absorbing Laurie?

It sure is. That was a living hell. I swear, if you do that again--

Cross my heart, Laur, I won't. I'm over the phases... I just don't want Mel to fall into one.

How do we stop that though? Like I said, Jewel, you're the only one who knows what that's like.

I have... 'phases.'

Oh dude, he's right. Heck, I AM a 'phase'! And Chaos--

I get it, I get it.

So all your 'Johnny phases' are caused by personalities other than yourself?

That seems to be the gist of it, yes.

Is that what you think Mel is dealing with?

I don't know. Maybe. Even if they don't have any 'personalities' in their mind, they could have something on the verge of turning into one. They said so themself, that the voices they hear are becoming 'more than voices' now. Maybe we can stop that, like we stopped that weird red voice that attacked me with a razor that one time, thanks to those being huge triggers.

I remember that.

I bloody HATED her.

What was she supposed to represent, anyway?

I think mania, like Jessica used to be depression. They're both dead now though.

So are Brianne and Missy.

Brittany, Bridget, whatever the hell she decided her name was at the moment. Haven't seen the queen bitch very often lately either, thank GOD.

I'm fighting her nonstop, Laur.

I don't understand why you still need to fight her. I thought she had nothing left to fight you with?

Oh, she finds ways. She's trying to use my kids now.

What?

Yeah, she stopped the doppelganger thing and is now creating awful false scenarios with my kids. I ignore her but I can't ignore what she's doing.

All right, that is way out of line.

It's straight-up demonic. Next time I see her she is losing her whorish face.

Calm down about that for now guys, please. I'm winning against her now and the Care Bear army is helping too. She's still my #1 problem, but this isn't about me. This is about keeping a friend from being trapped in something like this.

True... I'm still shaking, though.

Sweetheart, I'll stop her. Don't lose it.

I'll try.

Give me something else to think about, please. I'm absolutely seething right now.

Well, I figure I should currently focus on helping Mel keep those voices quiet, however that's possible. I don't know. Lynne, I know this isn't completely out of my hands, but it's tough.

I understand.

That's kind of why I called you all here. I don't know what to do, and I'm desperate. I just want to help Mel.

If you need me for anything you can always ask.

Thanks, Vez.

I heard something about a fox?

...Yeah, Mel's seeing this fox with a top hat. I think he might be the key to this, especially because he apparently hasn't quit even when Mel said the other hallucinations/etc. have died down.

Why, do you think he's the 'headvoice' behind the phases?

I have no idea. It scares me, though, because Mel said that he "knows how to solve this, but he enjoys seeing my pain." That made me think of the old Laurie.

...Yeah, you're right.

If Mel knows the fox can solve this, maybe they just need to talk to him.

It's not that easy, though. He's constantly running from them and mocking them. They haven't been able to even come near to catching him.

That's not good at all.

I know... Laurie was at least right there, close enough to touch if she wasn't busy burying an axe in my face.

That fox is definitely one of us, though. How do you catch a fox?

You set traps.

But how do you trap a fox you can't even get close to?

Send something faster after it?

Maybe. Just maybe.

That could potentially make things much worse.

That's why we need to be careful. Mel isn't me; we may be similar but their situation here is still different in it's own important ways.

But Mel still needs to catch that bloody fox.

You think so?

Lynne, it's the only option I can think of. If it knows the answers, hunt it down and make it talk.

Resorting to violence might not be the best plan of action, Laurie..

Oh, shut up. You know what I mean.

What do you think it knows?

Only Mel knows that.

Geez this is frustrating. We're going in freakin' loops.

I think we should leave it be for now, Jewel. Tell Mel what we think and let them make the decisions for themself. Ultimately, they're the only one who can conquer their problems.

True, but remember how Q helped me, and how Dev helped Vez. Without a major force of beneficial interest standing by, the fight's going to be a heck of a lot harder, maybe even impossible.

Mel doesn't have to worry about that, then.

No, thank God. They have Q and I, and hopefully others that they may not have even realized are there yet.

Guess that's all we can do for today, then.

I'm sorry I couldn't help much.

Vez, don't say that. You were a huge help.

Yeah man, you hit on some serious points. Jewel knew what he was doing bringing you here.

...Thank you.

Speaking of, thank you too, Lynne. I apologize for that mess that went on earlier.

Don't be sorry; it was my fault as well. I should have been more considerate.

Hey, at least it all worked out okay in the end.

You are such a crazy optimist.

I try.

This conversation over then?

I suppose so, why?

You have work to do, boy!

Oh geez you're right I do.

Haha, what in the world is on your to-do list now?

Jewel Monster element/attribute cataloguing. It's a LOT of work but it's awesome.

And if you don't get the hell to it I swear I will hire Revenge to do my job.

Don't hire him, he's evil.

You're being unusually pushy about Jewel's work today, Laurie. Any reasons?

Yeah, it's my bloody job to make him feel guilty for slacking off HIS job. Get to work!

I have to admit, Laurie is right. You do need to make a lot of progress on your series yet.

Part Twelve.

Pfhahahaha!

All right, all right, I'll get off and get to work. Thanks for helping, you guys.

You're welcome.

I'm glad I was able to help. I admit I miss being part of this group.

You know you do!

I, um... I love you, Chaos.

I love you too, you crazy kid. Get some sleep tonight, alright?

Yeah, you rocked out enough yesterday. Screwed up my entire freaking schedule.

Sorry.

Weren't we supposed to finish this way back there...?

Yes.

Sorry.

You guys are the worst at finishing conversations.

Okay then, you close this one up.

Already did!

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (SPINNY)

CHAOS ZERO

JULIE

There you are, finally.

I see our colors work again.

Thank God, right? Now where's sharkface?

Right here.

Ah, good. Anyone else tagging along?

Why, do you need an audience?

It's not necessary, but I like the... how do you say... 'energy' of several people in here at once.

Sure you do.

All right guys, calm down. Laurie, what's this even about?

It's about the f*king problem you have, pun intended. What's with the bloody whorishness?

Whoa-- BACK OFF. Don't you even start with that.

Too late.

...Oh no.

Get the hell out of here. You should be DEAD.

Well, I'm not.

Do I look like I care what you think? No. Get out of this room and don't come back. I deal with you enough already.

I'm not here to piss you off.

Get the HELL away from her!

Too late!

Laurie!

Ggk--

For mercy's sake what is going on...

I don't know. She got in.

You're damn RIGHT she got in, idiot! Now you help me get her out!

What do you want me to do? If I go anywhere near her she'll freaking rape me!

Yeah, I KNOW. So stay the hell back and get her OUT.

Jewel, just do something!

I-- Laurie, watch out!

Ffff- I'm freakin' watching! You're not the one fighting here!

You got that right.

You SHUT your filthy MOUTH.

Jewel, how are we supposed to get her out of here?

I don't know. I-- she's terrified of Laurie, but... we need backup. I can't go over there without risking it--

You ALREADY risked it, you wench, that's how she got in here!

...Oh.

What's she talking about?

...Near misses. Shoot. I am so stupid...

I need BACKUP!

Chaos, go get--

Oh, for heaven's sake-- no, not him! You! Lend me some freaking energy here!

All right--!

Hk...

Getting scared, eh? Ball ain't in your court anymore.

That's what you think.

What was that?!

Is she... melting?

No, she's made of shadow. Kind of zombified, too, thank God.

You'll notice that's changing!

I told you I wouldn't lose.

Stop bluffing, you whore, and get the hell out of my sight. This isn't over.

...

...Damn it.

...Should we move?

No, we're not moving. As long as Jewel stays in control we are just fine.

You call that fine?! What in the world just happened?

Your cyberfaced friend almost screwed everything up again, all right? Geez. I'm telling you, if we don't get a handle on this issue and fast we are ALL as good as dead.

I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't do a DAMN THING. I am sick of you apologizing and then stabbing me in the back two minutes later! What the hell's your problem?

You know what the problem is, Laurie.

Yeah, we all know about that problem, but by no means should that be causing THIS. And don't you dare throw the blame on your parents or any shit like that.

Laurie, I can't lie.

Yes you bloody well can, you've lied to me before. 'Oh, my mom wants me to do this and that!' I don't care what she wants, you know what sort of life you need and you shouldn't be compromising it. If you're too bloody weak in the heart to stand up for your very purpose, then I might as well just shoot myself and be out of this hellish misery already.

Don't, please.

Oh really? Don't leave? Why? Because then you'll be without someone to run to? Screw that. You need to face this like a man, kid. You know what the problem is, and you know what makes it worse, and you KNOW what happens when you ignore the warning signs, so WHY the HELL do you keep ignoring it all?!

I wish I knew.

You're weak, that's why.

...

Laurie, don't--

It's the bloody truth. She/he/whatever is a gutless weakling in every aspect that matters. It's infuriating me big time and, even worse, it's killing me. What's my job, Chaos? To overcome the id, right? So tell me-- what the hell do I do when my kid here keeps blindly falling prey to that pink slut?

I just... I don't know. I don't know what else to do here already.

Join the club.

No, Laurie, I mean she's doing everything she can right now. We don't have the means for drastic measures yet.

Don't tell me you believe all that garbage. If she was doing everything she could, we'd be 99% problem-free right now. She's NOT doing her job.

...

What's the matter? Cornered? You can't hide from me, sparkle-eyes.

I'm not hiding from you, Laurie. I know I'm weak. I know I'm being a stupid slacker and all that--

Then why don't you stop it already?

Because it's hard. I don't know why, but for some stupid reason it's hard.

Pfeh. Human imperfection, I suppose.

...

Oh, calm down already. It's the exact same problem you had-- a corrupt state mislabeled as an ideal.

How is she going through that? She is nowhere near as screwed up as I am.

No, but he's getting there. Society's perfection = her imperfection. Your kid's view of his life and purpose in it are in stark contrast to what most of the individuals around her are expecting of him.

You're rotating pronouns.

Damn straight I am; worth it to see you smile for once, eh?

...But, geez... no one's asking her to be a force of destruction, thank God.

Actually, yeah. Look at it this way, sharkface. If outside influences manage to mess Jewel up enough that she abandons her ideals and replaces them with the dime-a-dozen norm, he's going to be one hell of a destructive force. Instead of using her dreams and visions and powers to make a difference and change this mess in some way, he'll be contributing to the problems and making it worse for every other life out there. It's what the Jewel Monsters say, y'know. We're all connected, despite the details. You screw around with one person's life and you're screwing up all of them.

You sure are philosophical tonight.

I'm always philosophical, thank you very much, I'm a frickin' superego. This here is my job.

So... you think Jewel is at a real risk for... hitting a 180?

It's always a threat, and stop looking at the door already. That witch isn't getting back in here.

She already got in!

Is that my fault? No. That's your kid's fault, and that's why we're here in this infamous room again. When issues get more threatening than usual, I put up the red flag. You see this axe? Freakin' red flag. We have a problem, and I'll be damned if I don't try to fix it.

This just makes me think of that Rooney song.

I'm asking everyone around me how to live my life?

I know the answers I keep hearing, but I listen close each time...

It's sickening already. I feel like such a broken record.

Well hey, you might be broken, but at least you've got some good music. Listen, kid... hope never dies, am I right?

Yeah.

Then a certain Jewel Monster is going to be pretty upset with you if you keep acting like that. If there was no hope, would I be here? No. If I didn't care, and if I didn't honestly believe in you, I'd basically just say 'forsake it all' and slice my own ribcage out like I said I would last year. There's hope, Jewel.

I know that, I know that. That's why I keep going too. But... it just seems so darn far away.

That's the point of hope. Without it we'd all die of misery.

...Yeah, it is.

That's all I have to say about it. How about you, Chaos?

What?

Don't give me 'what.' You've barely spoken five sentences the entire time we've been here.

Well, excuse me if I'm a little traumatized from that Julie encounter earlier.

You think that's bad? What if she jumped on you and pretended she was Jewel?

I...

That would be hell, wouldn't it? You'd have nightmares for months. And that's what Jewel is letting that slut do to her! Now you see why this is so important? I can see the abject terror in your eyes, so don't you even try to deny it.

...

You can't ignore it, Aqua. That's what's happening.

Chaos, it'll be fine. I told you we'll get through this.

Yeah, sure, but who's going to carry the scars? I'm not the one with a stomach full of crosses!

You're lucky I'm withholding those until further notice.

Don't-- don't even start. All I want to know is where our progress went.

What progress? Oh, you mean the past victories? Out the bloody window.

Jewel, why are you going back downhill? Please.

I'm not entirely sure, sweetheart... and I think that's the problem. I'm very out of focus right now. The past month or so has been seriously crazy, and as a result I have no time for my 'escapes--' which, as you know, are my refuges. Instead of putting time into those, I've just been... floating, kind of, and when that happens I'm weak. I'm vulnerable, and I hate that, because then people try to rip me open. That's what Laurie was talking about. All this interim time is making me weak, but when I try to fight it I hit obstacles on the outside. My mother has no clue what the real problem is here and she is one of my biggest roadblocks. It sounds immature, but you two know the details.

Mum thinks you're faking everything and your grandmother wants you to live a 'normal life' and die.

Precisely. And I've tried standing up to that, but you know what happens from that. The results are never, ever good. I'm lucky my grandmother is at least becoming more passive-aggressive in her campaign.

Campaign?

Her old-school mindset that everyone who's not white is out to kill you, that anyone who doesn't fit the strict gender binary/stereotypes is going to hell, that life is about looking out for number one, et cetera. I don't subscribe to that, and I can't actively show that because then she goes hellfire on me.

I don't understand closed minds.

Me neither, but that's the way it is.

So what's the bottom line? Laurie, what did you want to fix up through this conversation?

Not too much. I wanted to bring the current situation to light so we could all try to fix it actively instead of being ignorant fools about it. We covered the surface of it well enough, so unless you want to dig up the blood and bones or go off topic, we're cool.

Really?

Really really. No use spitting at you if you already understand everything you need to do.

Well that's unusual.

What, not wanting to verbally abuse this kid for the next hour? Nah, that's just when I'm seriously irate. I'm spitting enough swords at Julie already, and Jewel's been through enough lately.

Huh. I won't argue with that, then.

Good.

So... we're good?

Not with that tone of voice we're not.

Heh, yeah. Um...

Spit it out, kid, or I'll rip it out of ya. You know I can.

Laurie.

Hey, I'm being honest. She'd better do the same.

I just... with all this gender stuff lately, and what my family keeps pushing on me... what do you think about what's going on with the girls?

You mean your bizarre attraction to them? That's not new, but what about it?

Are you... is it a severe problem?

Not when you're just wanting to hang with Vontricia or Jena or whatever. When you let that bubblegum harlot turn you in the other direction, then yes, that's a huge and lethal problem.

But I don't get it. Why am I suddenly looking for girls?

You're looking for androgynous girls, you idiot. If some chick with a rack wanted to date you, you'd evacuate faster than a freaking fire squad. You're looking for your mental twin, and that's simply because you've never had anyone to confide in, imagine with, or love in that funky way of yours without getting something completely different back. This 'lesbian' label nonsense is only because you appreciate pretty girls and would rather be with someone who had a more flexible gender range. Guys don't work for you unless they're gay and you know it.

So is that what we're being considered now?

Don't laugh, you don't have a physical system. I'm talking about humans.

So we agree that I need a gal who is somewhat less masculine version of myself and is willing to be my pseudo-girlfriend?

If that's how you want to put it, sure. You know your situation better than I do.

But where the heck can I find someone like that?

Shoot me if I know, kid. If I did I've had told you ages ago. Yo Chaos, this bothering you?

No, not at all. I know Jewel; we've been together for almost 7 years now.

Holy swords, that long?

Haha, yeah, for that long. So I'm used to her love largesse. It doesn't bother me at all now.

Agape altruism is more like it.

Stop it, guys, you're making me blush. I just have a lot of love to give is all.

And to you, everyone deserves it. You fell for freaking Davy Jones, for heavens sakes.

Yes, I remember that very well.

Don't forget Tox, you know.

Yeah, him too...

Ironically, they're both guys.

Inhuman guys, mind.

Eh, point.

Girl-wise, she has Shade, Makoto, Vonnie, Sarah, Celebi, Jena, Dori, Alex, and maybe Des or Kathy.

Geez, they're not all in the same category!

Dang, you probably didn't even list all of them.

I don't doubt it!

You two, come on. This is a bit... it's making me nervous.

Good. That means it's honest. If you were flaunting it shamelessly I'd seriously question your so-called love.

Ahem.

She doesn't flaunt you, you maniac. She just shows you off.

Laurie...

It's true, you want people to know that you love this blue guy.

Because no one else does. That's the point, I love him, and it's not something I should be ashamed of.

There you go.

What-- Laurie, I swear if I didn't love you too I'd strangle you.

You couldn't strangle me either way, boy.

Man, Laurie knows you like a book!

I know, love. I know.

But seriously, if you need a girl, go find one. Just keep Julie dead this time, you crazy loon.

I'm trying, you know I am.

Will you try still harder now?

Books reference!

I will try to.

Can we talk some more?

I don't know.

Why the hell not?

Laurie, if that was part of the lyrics, I would die laughing.

These conversations are such roller coasters.

That's good. Most people just go through their days in a haze; you need to shake things up like this whenever you can. Otherwise, you get that frankly horrific floating Jewel was suffering from.

I can't stand that. I get so nervous when I'm not actively busy.

Hence the Julie hacks, boy. Start wearing your flash drive around again; that'll keep the floozy away.

Hey, didn't you buy velour today, though?

Oh geez yeah I did.

Dude, you finally bought that bloody fabric?

Yep. It was cheaper than the freaking tail.

Nevermind how much it cost, you start working on that. If there's anything you need right now it's optimism.

Optimism, hope, and love.

I'll be the hope, you be the love.

Will do, captain.

I don't know what I'd do without you two.

You'd be bored to death and probably a delinquent too, God bless your heart.

Laurie, I think you need to go home and go to sleep.

I am the angel of death!

That's... frighteningly fitting.

By the way, you work on losing that thanatos mode of yours.

The wh-- oh, the pain addiction. Yeah. I'm trying.

You'd better be. That's why I stopped attacking you-- you're turning it into positive reinforcement, which is screwed up. You need to flat-out fix yourself and fast.

I promise you I will, Laurie.

Cross your heart, kid, make it legit.

Done and done.

Now get to work before your boss fires you!

It's only-- geez, no, it's almost 10PM. You're right.

You've been late the past several days, Jewel. Laurie's right; you could use the overtime.

Hey, if I'm working overtime, sweetheart, you'd better ask my boss if you can 'stand in' for a while. I haven't seen you around in a while.

You think that's my choice, J? As long as you're looking for me I'm looking for you.

And as long as the two of you are still here I'm going to be ticked off. Get your tails to bed already, there won't be any late night meltdowns during work hours.

All right, all right, I'm off. Thank you, Laurie.

Anytime, kid. I may not be cute, but I'm here for you if you need me.

I could care less about the cuteness, honestly. But thanks again, Laur... it means more than I can really say.

Actions speak louder than words, Jewel. You wanna say 'thank you?' Get the heck to bed and don't screw up tomorrow. Aiite?

Aiite. See you soon, Laurie. You get some sleep too.

Haha, sleep? Nah, I'm the bloody graveyard shift here.

You don't sleep?

Do I look like I have time to sleep?

Well, now that you mention it, Johnny C. didn't sleep either.

Oh man, good one!

Hey, you watch it or I'll nail YOU to the wall.

I'd rather you didn't; that would put quite a damper on my search for answers.

So will sleep deprivation. MOVE IT.

All right, all right!

Geez, no matter how stressed out I get at the end of these things, I love these conversations.

You said it!

Oh yeah, uh-- you two should really use the back door.

Ffffffff--

Holy fish, I almost forgot. Thank you!!

Don't mention it. Just doing my job.

I saw that smirk.

Heheheh!

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (CANNON)

CHAOS ZERO

SELPH

February 2008 was the worst, it seems.

I hear you. 2008 was horrible.

April 2009 isn't turning out very well either, it seems.

You kidding me? Every day is progressively worst than the one before it, and I don't care what month it is.

Your life is agonizing, right?

That's what I said.

I believe it. Especially with what Julie did to you today.

Don't-- don't even bring that up. I ended up taking my rage out on my Psychology textbook, but it asked for it.

You're really beginning to hate Psychology, huh?

I don't hate it, but I'm beginning to highly dislike it for the same reasons I dislike biology.

Three guesses what that is.

Oh, you don't even need to guess.

So... you're pulling a Johnny-nighter?

I don't know. All I know is that Coldplay is going to be my #1 band on Last.fm now because this song is perfect late-night music, hands down.

Thank Dori for that one.

Dorris... yeah. I miss her. I miss her so much.

Do you now?

Yeah, I do now. I... I don't want to talk about it.

You don't want to talk about a lot of things, it seems.

Well, it's been rough.

Life's rough, kid. Get used to it.

I don't want to get used to this.

Could've fooled me, since you repeatedly refuse to do a bloody thing about it.

Watch it, Laurie.

Well hey. There you are.

Sorry we're late.

I didn't know you were seriously going to join in this conversation.

I want to know what the heck you were doing earlier that Selph was telling me about.

What?

Cutting your chest. What the heck were you doing?

Oh ho ho, he saw you doing that?

Wait, you mean she's done this before?

No, she's never had the guts to. I just wasn't aware that Selph was watching.

Of course he was watching, I always have him watch me.

Except when it matters.

Ouch.

Damn it, I said I was sorry.

Watch your mouth, you whore!

Stop calling her that! Seriously, what gives you the right to spit those words at her every time she does something wrong?

She wants punishment, and it's the truth. You don't see the things I see.

I... Jewel, what did you do?

What do you mean, what did I do?

What happened?

...I just want my gas mask.

Good luck getting it now, jerk.

Laurie!

What? What the heck's your problem?

My problem is you. Right now, my problem is you. Jewel is my soulbond, you know, and if you're going to be screwing around with her like this, then--

The only person screwing your girl is that bitch in the back room. Maybe you should take this up with her?

...Is that what's going on?

Yeah. That is damn well what's going on.

...Jewel.

What?

You never told me about this.

I didn't want you to know.

Why didn't you want me to know?

Listen, I didn't even tell Selph about this. I haven't told my parents, I haven't told my counsellors, I haven't told anyone and now here I am, writhing in a freaking pit of blood and spikes, trying to breathe and failing, while the entire time I have this devil with pigtails trying to screw me whenever I get hopeless enough to close my eyes! I am so sick of this, Chaos! You're wondering about the chest-cutting earlier? I just want to have some sort of sign, some form of control over this madness, however small and brief, because if I don't then I'm going to lose my mind for real this time, and that won't be good for anyone. The only problem is, none of the knives are sharp enough. None of the knives will ever be sharp enough, because cutting isn't doing me any freaking good, it's only reminding me that unless I bite the bullet and let a surgeon do the job then I'm going to keep suffering through this agony and breaking down in sobs and furious headfights every time I look in the mirror or hear someone refer to me with a feminine pronoun! It's too much, and I've had it. I've had it. I need freedom, I don't just want it. I need it or I am going to die.

If you don't stop swearing, I swear I'm going to spit more blood into your face until you shut up. You're not the only one dying here.

...Jewel, I'm scared.

You're not the only one. Seriously, J, why haven't you told anyone about this?

Simple. One, anyone here that knew about it would throw me into a mental hospital or completely misunderstand my explanation. Two, anyone upstairs would only start to panic, and three, I can't think straight, I have no idea what I'm saying, it's hard to type on a Mac and I haven't had the opportunity to tell anyone yet. I thought 24 days would save me.

25 days now, you whore. You lost.

I didn't lose.

You did. You lost fair and square, you gutless wretch.

I did not lose.

Don't give me that, you bloody hypocrite, you know exactly what happened--

You know what, Laurie? Just stop. She's not in a stable enough condition to argue with you.

Stop calling me a girl.

Wh-- who, me?

Yeah. Please. Don't put me through that.

...Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I... I'm sorry.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay. Do you have any idea how Selph looked when he came running to me earlier? He was crying his eyes out. If what you're going through is enough to make him feel like that, I should under no circumstances be making it worse.

It's okay.

Jewel. Stop. It's not okay. Is this what you're doing with Julie?

No.

Yes it is, and you know it.

It is not.

Don't lie to me!

Laurie! Don't hit her!

She deserves it, for all the shit she's done! ...I'm sorry, did I say 'she?' I meant 'it,' you bloody anomaly. What the heck is wrong with you? Why can't you ever listen to me? Do you want this to happen?

No. I don't want it.

Then stop listening to that perverted slut and listen to me. Ignore her, fight her, do whatever the heck you have to do, but we are getting that freaking gas mask and we are going to beat her once and for all, do you hear me?

Yeah. I just want my surgery.

...I know you do. I just don't know how the heck to get it.

Jewel, please, what is going on?

I don't know.

She's disconnected.

She's unhinging?

You could put it that way, yeah. She's very unstable right now. I doubt she can even think straight.

Is she going to be okay?

She should be... but I don't know anymore.

...

Stop saying 'she.'

Oh come on, it isn't going to bother her that much, is it?

You know her better than I do, and yes it does.

Pff... then what are we going to call this thing?

I don't know. Just... I don't know. Don't hurt her anymore, okay?

Fine.

I think she should get some sleep...

Yeah, she's supposed to have the sandman's job now, from what I heard.

Wait, what?

Sandman?

Notice the masculine ending, there.

Yeah, I'm noticing it, I'm noticing it.

She had a dream last night about the sandman teaching her his job or something. I heard it was pretty cool.

It was awesome.

Are you all right now?

Are you okay?

Selph, don't panic.

I'm not panicking. I'm not panicking.

Yes you are.

...Okay, I am. But I can't help it. I'm scared, Jewel. You keep telling me these things and I can't stop them, and now I... now I feel worthless. I can't even protect you.

Selph...

I can't even protect her, Chaos! I'm in the same room as her and I can't even save her! Do you have any idea how worthless that makes me feel?

...

Wow.

Selph, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

I know you are. Just don't do it again.

I can't promise you that. It's not my choice.

How is it not your choice? This is willpower we're talking about here, jerk, not coercion.

Ever hear of primitive human instincts? I hate this with a passion, Laurie. The thought of suicide has literally passed through my mind several times today, and that's not even an option. I want to be free of this so badly, but I think I'm stuck.

I just told you, you've got to be stronger. You've gotta fight that bitch.

I was fighting her, and for twelve solid days I was in the lead, and then she went and sniped me from behind.

Eh... you still could have stopped her.

I like to think so, but I can't be sure. All I know is that once my humanity snaps back into place, I'm not only furious and humiliated, but I'm shattered. I break down in tears, I start to abuse myself. I don't even know why it all happens, because it makes no sense. I don't want it, I never do, and yet I keep finding myself there.

I still say you get your gas mask.

I am getting my gas mask, regardless of whatever happened today. It's my first ticket out of here.

You know, what is it with this gas mask you keep talking about wearing? Are you buying one?

Yes, and not just because it's awesome. It'll also keep me from biting, bingeing, talking like an idiot all day, getting distracted too badly, and identifying myself with the face in the mirror.

The Rorschach principle again.

Essentially.

I'm sure you'll look nice in it.

I hope so, I'm going to wear it all the time!

Your parents are going to kill you.

Don't you laugh at me now, Laurie, this is your idea too.

I know, I just thought it was funny.

You still bleeding?

Here, take a look.

Ech... geez. Sorry about that.

S'all right. It'll go away if you watch your mouth.

I hope I can do that.

You can, if you stop stealing my job.

Oh, the absorption thing.

Yeah. The absorption thing. Stop.

I'll try.

Make sure.

I will.

Guys, can we really wrap this up? It's almost 2AM and Jewel needs sleep.

I need an escape.

Then go find one.

This is one.

One that doesn't involve staying up all night.

Oh. Okay.

Jewel, are you going to be okay?

I hope so. I just have to do a lot of praying and begging for forgiveness--

Again.

Again-- because I've been reading a lot of apocalyptic stuff lately and it is scaring me to death. I'm nowhere near the perfect person people think I am, and from what I can figure I'm at a pretty high risk for damnation, and I don't want that. That's the one thing I'm scared of more than anything, so I have to work hard to fix that.

Killing Julie would fix that immediately.

Hey, you give me the money for surgery, I'll go fix that right now. Seriously, I don't care what time it is.

Ahaha, I hear ya! And I'd give you the money but I'm broke. I don't have a job, you know.

Neither do I.

I don't either.

Yes you do-- look, you're my superego, you're my soulbond, and you're my muse. There you go. You get paid in love and weird late-night conversations that do more harm than good, and I'm sorry.

Sorry for what, trying to do better?

Yeah, that's what counts.

I know that, but I'm really tired of making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I wake up in the morning and know that today's going to be even harder than yesterday, and every time I'm right. I'm telling you, it's getting to be very hard just dragging myself out of sleep in the morning.

You'd rather be a sandman.

Ah, he's a nice guy. I should look for him in my dreams again tonight. That or you guys.

Look for us.

Yeah, you still haven't gotten me my bishop's chair!

Oh yeah, that's our running goal. Okay, I'll keep an eye out.

Seriously, Jewel, remember what I said today. It's all true, no matter what.

I know. I never doubted you, not even for a second. I only doubt myself.

Why?

Because... I'm such a paradox. I make no sense. I need you, Chaos. I love you, and yet here I am saying that I don't want to be anything to anyone and vice versa even though that's nothing but a lie and I know it. Chaos, I'm so confused.

I'm not. I know the truth, and that's what matters. We'll get through this.

You know, when you say that I almost believe it.

Please do. You need to, or you'll never be able to manage this.

He's right, you know.

...Okay. I'll try.

There is no try, there is only do!

Aha, some Yoda wisdom to light up the night.

He was right too, you know.

You're awfully mellow, Laurie.

Sure I am. Julie can't touch me at 2AM.

Wait, she comes after you too?

We fight. A lot. Jewel might have to fight her physically and mentally, but I have to literally go up against her with an axe while she tries to tear out my throat with those shadow hands of hers. Which is hellish, for the record. I thought she'd be easier to kill, but no...

I guess you're really not alone then, Jewel.

I'm never alone. I just feel like it sometimes.

That's very sad, actually.

I know. I wish it wasn't true.

I wish it wasn't 2. You're going to be screaming tomorrow morning. Come on, kid. Get some sleep.

You two... I don't know.

What?

You just... one minute you're trying to tear her eyes out, and the next you've got your arm around her shoulders and you're telling her it's all going to be alright. What's with that?

Someone's gotta keep her under control, and the only person who can do that is someone who really cares. That's my job.

I thought you said you didn't have a job.

Well, I lied! Maybe if you gave me a paycheck I wouldn't lie anymore.

Oh, hush up, you.

Heheheh.

It's good to see you're getting along, though.

Yeah, at one time we really hated each other.

I never hated you.

Maybe, but I sure didn't like you and all your mistakes. I warmed up to you pretty fast, though.

I'll never forget that time you hugged me.

...Yeah. That was a pretty rough day.

We've had a lot of rough days.

We've all had our share of rough days together.

Mm-hmm.

Well, time for sleep.

You said it!

Yeah, Jewel, you need recovery time.

I'm doing what I can.

That's what counts.

I love you.

...I love you too. I'm sorry.

For what?

For... for not being there.

When?

When all this was going on. Selph was there, but... but I should have been there. Maybe I could have helped.

You were around me all day, and that helped more than you know. It's okay. I'll make it through this.

You finally think so?

Yeah. It's the least I can do.

Well, good night, guys. She's starting to fall asleep at the computer. It's kind of funny.

Keep this good attitude for a while, will you, Laurie? It's kind of surreal to see you acting nice, but I prefer it over the axe-swinging days.

They both have their good points. Hey, keep Julie away from me and my girl and you won't have to worry about me getting pissed off.

Not a girl.

Whatever you are, my ego.

Eh, that works.

Uh, Selph already left.

Yeah, he's standing behind me.

Behind us, you mean.

I guess I should be leaving, then.

I'll miss you.

...

Ssh, don't worry about her. She's still kind of unhinged, remember?

All right... just take care of her for me, okay?

Oh no no no, you take care of her for me. You have no idea how much she cares about you, do you?

...I have a slight idea.

Well, you should have a bigger idea because you are always on her mind, I swear. Julie tries to use you against her, but honestly, J here is pretty vehement with keeping you out of it. You should be proud of her.

I am. I just wish she would keep herself out if it.

Yeah, I hear you, I hear you.

Pronouns, guys.

We'll worry about pronouns tomorrow, 'it.' Now, I am going to drag you off to sleep because I'm tired too and I'm still bleeding from my mouth.

How long is that going to take to heal?

Ask your kid here, it's his-her-it's decision.

All right, all right. See you tomorrow.

Yeah, nice talkin' to ya.

Good night, Chaos.

See you, Jewel. ...I'll miss you too.

Mmf.

He's a pretty nice guy.

Pretty nice?

Well, that could be an understatement.

That's like saying you're pretty violent.

Hey, I'll give you a demonstration if you don't get to sleep!

Okay, okay. Thanks, Laurie.

Anytime and everytime, kid. See you in the morning.

It's already morning.

Exactly!

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (CANNON)

Somewhere.

Yeah, that's how I feel right now.

What's up? Feeling down?

As usual, yes, and you know why.

Ahaha, guilt trip from being such a whore, I guess.

That and being a slacker. A selfish slacker, no less.

A selfish slacker who doesn't know what the heck "self control" means.

Hey, I'm trying, okay? It's not easy.

Says you.

It's not.

Don't give me that. You're just being lazy.

You think so?

Ignorant.

...Maybe you're right.

Don't give me 'maybe' either. I am right. So I heard you betrayed Selph the other day?

...

Heartless hypocrite.

I know, believe me but I know... I love him so much it hurts, and then I... seriously, Laur, I don't know what's gone wrong with me.

A lot, J. A hell of a lot.

You can say that again.

Vanilla Naivete.

What?

Vanilla. Your sister. I saw that smile when you noticed the upload.

...Why, is that a problem?

I just don't get how you can run all your life, and yet spend so much of that time trying desperately to find someone again. I thought you were running away from all of them, not towards them.

I... well, I was. I am. I just miss her too much.

Stay away.

What?

Stay away from her. In your current condition, you'd kill her or maim her or some equally fatal thing, and you know it. Forget Midas, you have the Thanatos touch, you whore.

Stop calling me that.

I'll stop calling you that when Julie stops raping you.

Hey, that was uncalled for--

You're what's uncalled for, J. Not me. I'm here because you want me here. This pitiful excuse for a human being that you've turned into was nobody's choice, and it sure wasn't what I wanted from you.

You're angry?

What the hell do you think? Shape up or ship out, that's what I told you! And what did you do? You threw that right back in my face, you whore. Said it was 'too tough.' Said it was 'undeserved.' And now look at you! You're being violated by that pigtailed slut every time you close your eyes! Listen to me. Either you stop being such an idiot and get to work for once, or I am not only going to disown you but I am going to have my way with your freaking mess of a physical body, and you know what I mean by that.

You'll cut me to ribbons.

Better than that, Jewel. I'll flat-out kill you.

Yeah, I figured that. I have to say I deserve it at this point.

What, you're just going to stand there and act like this is justice? How the hell blind are you? If you'd just FIGHT for once, instead of standing there and letting everyone else ruin your life and tear your self to shreds, maybe you wouldn't be in such a bloody mess right about now! Ever consider that?

Laurie, what do you want me to do? I'm listening, I know that I'm screwing up, but--

But what? But you're not getting anywhere? Don't be such a spineless coward. You don't give up easily... or do you?

I don't.

Then STOP betraying yourself and do the right thing for once! Listen, do I have to invite Karl into our headgang to help me with the physical abuse when you mess up like this? He doesn't love you like I do. He won't show you any mercy whatsoever.

I know he wouldn't, Laurie. ...You know, let me just tell you something while I'm thinking of it.

Yeah?

I AM trying to do better. God help me, but I am. You know how I collapse whenever Julie so much as looks at me the wrong way nowadays!

That's only because she's kicked your ass one too many times now.

It's more than one too many times, Laurie. Once would have been too many times, and she's treating me like a rag doll. I'm not her toy to abuse and push around, Laurie, and we both know that.

Then why the hell are you still letting her do that?

I'm trying to stop her, I really am. I swear I just want to end this.

But--

But I don't know how other than surgery. Believe me, I can feel your pain now, and I'm starting to add all sorts of extra influences and reminders to keep her away from me and to keep me in safe places, but I can't stay on the computer all my life and stay up until 2AM every morning just because I know she can't touch me then.

That's only because I'm louder then, and you can finally see.

I know. I know, I can see everything so terribly clearly in the mornings.

Then why don't you take that wisdom with you for the rest of the day?

I... I don't know. Honest to God, Laurie, I don't know. Life isn't easy. I don't have the money or means to kill her, let alone the time, but I'm doing the best with what I have now. Unfortunately, I'm also distracted cruelly easily, my self control is at an abysmal low, and I keep denying myself, thinking that somehow someone has a better idea than me.

They don't. Now shut the hell up and get back to drawing Karl.

Wait, Laurie. What's your suggestion to this situation?

Same as it always has been. Listen to me, pay attention, remember who you are, and don't let that floozy touch you under any circumstances.

I know... geez, but why is it so darn hard?

Life is hard. You said so yourself.

You think maybe God's keeping all this pain and trauma in my life to keep me on track? To make sure I don't get soft or forget things or take things for granted?

Possibly. He might be. After all, he's given you far too many things to keep you alive, too.

Far too many? Laurie, without a single one of them my connection to this life would fray a little more. I need each and every one of them.

Then maybe you do need all this pain, too. An offset. Some suffering of your own, to help you empathize and to keep you from becoming too much of an egocentric hellion.

Don't call me that, Laurie.

Are you even listening to me?

Yes, I am. And yes, I do need some suffering of my own after all the blood, sweat and tears I see every day in everyone else's eyes. I'm sick of being a painless human living in some stupid cushy house with all these luxuries and modern extravagances and all that junk. I do want some suffering, some pain, if only to prove to myself that yes I am alive, yes I am getting retribution for my wrongs, yes they are not the only ones suffering here.

You're a pain addict for all the right reasons, I think.

I'm not too sure if I'm really an addict, though. I mean, I flinch like crazy yet when you tear across me. It hurts, and I'm still too freaking weak to take it like a man.

Guys flinch, too, if you hurt them enough.

But I should be able to take more pain than that. I should be able to suffer a ton of pain without screaming or flinching like some damned dog with its tail between its legs.

Hey, and stop swearing, you jerk. That's my job, and you said you'd stop stealing me from myself.

...Oh. I'm sorry. I almost forgot about that.

You'd better not. You remember what happened the last time you did that?

Yeah. That wasn't good.

Neither is this. Now leave the negativity and swearwords to me, Jewel, and you go about your crazy empathic business and leave me the heck alone.

Wait, you mean like--

No, I mean like leaving me alone as in me. I want you to stop eating me. I don't want to die before you die.

...Oh. Honestly, I'm sorry.

And pay attention to what you're typing. I can't talk as slow as you type.

Yeah, you're right.

So, what were we talking about again?

My fighting with Julie, my missing my sister, my feeling absolutely terrible lately.

Huh. Yeah, I guess we were. Which one do you want to go back to?

Julie before anything else. I want that settled as much as we can right now.

Can we settle it any more?

...I don't know. Maybe. We can try.

Yoda is going to hate you.

Heheh, I know. But it's all I can do right now without taking unneccessary cuts out of my self-esteem. "Well, Julie kicked my ass today, but--"

Watch it.

Sorry. But you know what I mean. Saying I either won against Julie or I lost to her-- that doesn't exactly help. I need to say "I might have lost today, but God help me I didn't want to. If I had my choice I would have thrown her right out the window."

Picked up a knife, done the job myself...

I don't think I'm ready to go that far. It's not sterile, it's not safe, and it's not exactly what I'd call sane.

Who said you're sane at this point, Jewel? Look at you. You're a total mess.

And I'm getting eye twitches every day now. Just like Karl!

That's not good.

No, it's not. The last thing I want is to turn into Karl.

Personality-wise, you mean.

Oh, yes. Yes. I wouldn't mind having a body made of solid resin, I think.

You'd break within the first week and you know it.

Why?

You're not careful. That or you'd trip while you were running or something.

Is that metaphorical?

Might as well be.

Huh. Well, anything else you have to say about Julie?

Just one thing. You keep fighting that devil in pink, or I swear I am going to lose it for good.

Take my steering wheel, huh?

I might. I just might.

Well, I plan to keep fighting. I don't want to lose anymore, especially not with Rorschach right around the bend.

Hey, by the way, start that counter right now. Hurry up.

Done.

"Do it for Rorschach," eh?

Yeah. He'll be here on March 5th anyway, like you said, so that gives me a solid genuine deadline to work with.

Just don't go last minute like everything else, you neurotic.

I won't, Laurie. I can't. That would be suicide.

Thanatos.

That's you, not me.

Who's the one trying to be me?

Touche. Well, I'll stop. I'm watching my language, see?

You'd better. And the only time you're allowed to cut the crosses is when I'm in control.

I know. I wouldn't dare do otherwise.

All right, now time for your little sister.

Already?

Yes, you don't want to be on here all night, do you?

No, I have to get some sketching done and I need sleep.

Well, we have 40 minutes tops, so let's get going. Vanilla, right?

Vanilla Naivete, yes.

Gamboge Sacrifice.

I need to draw her sometime soon, I swear...

You're both foods.

Isn't that funny?

Yeah, I guess so. You two should pair up with Lime and Apricot, then, start an edible Gen club...

Oh gosh, don't even start. That's hilarious, though.

So, are you going to draw Gamboge?

Soon, yes. As soon as I get some OC work done and draw some LoT and IF contestants.

Survivor and Everafter, too?

Maybe. Whatever ones I followed madly.

I think that was Survivor and IF.

Yeah, whatever one introduced me to Cyril and Spoiler and Inverted. That started everything.

You have to draw Cailen stuff, too.

That I do, but let's get back on topic. Vickie.

Yep. Your little sister.

I don't know what to tell you though, Laurie. I miss her, sure, and I love her, but that's all I can say. I wish I hadn't taken her for granted.

Your biggest fault, right behind selfish distraction.

I know.

Seriously, though, if you're going to fave stamps and read finale entries, at least get your feet in the water first. Sit down and start drawing up your OCs and writing up their backstories, or you'll be nothing but a wannabe for the rest of your life. Oh, and do it after we're done talking, please.

My, but you're being polite for once.

I'm tired, all right? All this Julie talk is draining me, not to mention ticking me off.

But we were talking about my sister.

I know, but that doesn't change my point.

Well, can we finish?

Sure. Would you want to meet her again?

Who, Vickie?

Yeah, who else?

Well... actually, I don't know anymore. I'd love to be able to talk to her again and have that close friendship like the old days, but... it's like you said earlier. I'm scared, I'm disconnected, and frankly I'm afraid of hurting her in some way.

Huh. Yeah, sounds like you.

It hurts, though.

I know.

Huh... well, maybe once I draw Vanilla I'll get a little closer to that dream. I don't know. I hope so.

Well, try. And make sure you do it this time, instead of just saying so.

I will. I have to.

All right then, last topic. Karl.

What? I thought our last topic was--

Wait. Karl first.

Why?

You've been obsessing over him.

I have not. I just like his character, that's all. He's rather brilliant.

That's it?

That's it. I told you, I can't form those sort of connections any more. Davy, Grievous, heck, even Barry and Nightcrawler... those sort of links, I seem to have forgotten how to form them. Now I'm just too afraid to get close to people, because they always end up dying in some way. Always. There has never been an exception.

What, you want to link up with Karl?

No, not like that! Like I said, I think he's cool, but he's a freaking psychopath and I honestly wouldn't want him hanging around my head knowing that I'm at least physically human, albeit unfortunately.

Point.

Yeah. So that's it. Just admiration.

Anyone that comes even slightly close to the old school Links?

Um... I actually don't think so. No one's really triggering anything. Geez, maybe I'm even broken. I've screwed myself up far too much already.

How about Chaos and the guys?

Ryou, Marik, Chaos, Grievous, Davy, Barry, Godot, Nightcrawler, Midvalley, Rorschach, Kain, and Selph all have the exact same Links as they always have, although my bizarre mental maturing has made me ridiculously sober and I tend to keep my distance now.

Bogardus didn't do anything?

Oh, no. I like him a heck of a lot, but he didn't trigger any old-school stuff. Midvalley's only on there because I was so volatile back then, you know.

Then why is Kain on there?

Because I've had dreams about Kain, and not the one you're thinking of. I've grown to really care about him as an individual for some reason, so he's up there.

Shade?

Don't even go there. No, she's just a pal.

Haha, figured I'd ask. Just let me know if you change your mind about Karl.

Laurie. It's not going to happen, I'm serious.

And I'm just pulling your leg. I know you're not like that. Now, last topic. Emptiness.

That's what it was...

What, you forgot?

Yeah.

That's terribly ironic.

I know. I'm sorry.

Stop apologizing for every freaking thing you do, I swear.

I-- I know. I've been doing that for ages.

Yeah, you don't have to tell me. But seriously, what's with your problems now?

I just feel... drained. Kind of like how you do now, I guess. But it's been like this for over a year now, and it's progressively getting worse. It just feels like someone took a vacuum to my head and sucked out half of whatever was in there... it literally feels like I have a void stuck in me, and something huge is missing. I was thinking it's religion, as my family has seriously been slacking off the family religion thing, but I've been making up for that in small personal ways... I don't know. Maybe I need to try harder, as usual.

Maybe it's that and something else. Maybe something in particular is draining you.

Like what? People? Connections? I was thinking that too.

Maybe.

Why, what do you think?

Expectations. You're putting too much on your head and killing yourself before you get started.

What, like with all this art and music and homework and dreams that I have planned all at once?

Yes, exactly like that.

Huh.

That could be it, you know.

It could be, but... but then what's keeping me going? I need all those things, Laurie, to keep me alive. They're like my drug. If I don't have a running list of things to do and accomplish, I don't feel productive and then I start to panic.

Do you need that much, though? Hell, just your Dream World work is enough to last you a lifetime, and I mean that in the literal sense.

I know. They're entrusted me with a lot. But, God's also given me Hosea and Volt and Monika and Anu and everyone to look after.

Yeah, He sure expects a lot of you.

I don't want to let Him down, either.

Yeah, I know. Hm.

What's up?

Just thinking. I don't think that there really is anything you can let go.

In that sense, you mean?

In that sense, yes. Maybe some of the free projects and uneccessary stuff, but that's it...

Artwise?

Artwise.

Well, if I sit down and get those done, it will not only help me to improve, but it will also make me look a little less like a scheming git who makes promises and then never keeps them.

Yeah, you're right.

You agreed with every word there, didn't you?

Yes, I did. It's true, Jewel-- your mouth's making promises your body can't keep, and your mind is getting ticked off.

My superego, you mean.

Yeah, haha! You got me there, freak.

Hey, watch the mouth.

Eh, I'm just edgy. You're more unstable than ever and frankly, I don't like that one bit. I can't keep you together single-handedly.

I'm not asking you to.

No, you're forcing me to. Who else is going to stand around you 24/7 and do the things I do? Selph won't pick up a knife and go at you with it. Hell, Chaos won't even look at you the wrong way, and he hates when I cut you, even when you ask me to. Delphi won't bother with you, X has bigger concerns, Revenge doesn't have a vendetta against you, Jezreel could care less, Gehinom probably doesn't even know you exist. I'm the only one who cares enough to keep you under control when you snap, and I'm not afraid to use force to do so.

Am I really that bad sometimes?

Look at yourself, Jewel, and don't make me laugh. Yes, you really are that bad. Maybe even worse.

I wish I wasn't.

I know you do. But you really should get some sleep.

Oh geez, you're right. 1AM.

Keeps Julie quiet though, right?

Right... man, Laurie, I am so sick of what I've become...

Well, what do you expect me to do? I can't change you by force, that's still up to you and your free will, whatever's left of it.

And believe me, Laurie, I'm doing everything I can at the moment...

Are you sure?

What?

Seriously, look at the situation, Jewel. Is there something else you should be doing? Manage your time better, then maybe you wouldn't have so many regrets! Stop lying to people and making promises you can't keep! Stop compromising yourself, for heavens sakes! Start caring about what other people feel! Start taking responsibility for your actions, and start finishing what you started, no matter how long ago it was! The world is still waiting for Part Twelve, and I'm still waiting for you to change for the better.

...How long have you known me, Laurie?

Longer than you know, Jewel.

I can imagine...

Get to bed, kid. And do me a favor-- think about what I said. Figure out what the hell you're doing and do it, all right? I'm really sick of all this indecision, not to mention the whining, and so help me but I'm going to do all I can to help you with it. To hell with Julie, I'm the top headvoice here, and I intend to live up to that.

Glad you at least hold me in that much regard.

Hey, I don't disrespect you or anything. I just wish you'd do better.

We all do, Laurie. We all do.

You tired?

Mm-hmm.

Well, change the text and let's get moving. Karl's not going to wait, and neither will I.

What is with you and Karl all of a sudden? I think you like him.

Ahaha, I like his drive. Wish I was that nasty sometimes, maybe Julie'd be gone by now if I was.

Ditto that with me. Honestly, Laurie, I'm sorry for being a whiny emo kid all over again, and I'm sorry for apologizing like a shivering twit. I want to do better, I want to change my life, I've said that hundreds of times already-- heck, thousands at this point-- but I don't seem to be getting anywhere worthwhile at my current rate. I'm finding hints and suggestions, warnings and dangerous places, but I'm just not learning fast enough. I've made some horrible mistakes and I've found some good things. I've ruined some good things and I've failed to recognize the bad things until it's too late. I've royally screwed up my life and the lives of countless others already, I've hidden under false identities, I've changed my personality more times than Cher changes her hair and I still don't know what the heck I'm doing in this world. I'm glad I have you, Laurie, and I'm glad I have all the other people I have in my life-- yes, even Karl-- but I just don't seem to be progressing. Julie keeps screwing around with me, you keep getting ticked off and with good reason, Natalie keeps getting murdered and Lynne keeps fading away when I need her. We've at least killed off Brittany and Missy, not to mention that one nameless voice, before it was too late, but our biggest problems are still staring us in the face and although I know I have the power to stop them, I'm not sure what it is yet and I'm afraid I might be too weak to use it when the time comes. I can't do that. Laurie, I need to stand up for my rights as a human being for lack of a better term, and I need to stand up for my morals and beliefs and put my foot down right on the hand of blashpemy and immorality when they come crawling to my doorstep like the filthy dogs they frankly are. I'm sick of being corrupted, I'm sick of being used. I'm sick of being ravaged by shadows with red hands and glass eyes, I'm sick of hearing vicious voices in my ear that aren't mine, I'm sick of seeing demons in hallways and I'm sick of being afraid that I'm becoming one of them myself. I miss Preludove, I miss Azurai, I miss Devonal and I miss Zeebee and I miss Dakeep and I miss everyone that saved me back then and I don't meen that in the 'I haven't seen them in years' way. I mean that because I've been taking them for granted, I've been ignoring them when they need me most and when I need them most. I've been ignoring the most beautiful and important parts of myself, the parts of me that aren't physical and keep my heart alive, the small details and the emotions and the fragile aspects that define me as a person and give me a reason to live. Laurie, I've been ignoring them and I've been ignoring you and I've been ignoring Selph and God and everyone else that tries to help me and I don't even know why because it honestly feels like this isn't even my body anymore. Hell, I'm sick of having a body. If I had a choice, I'd overexpose myself to the Master Emerald, too, and just be an energy being for the rest of my life, and to hell with immortality. When we die we die together. But that's besides the point-- I want to be in control again. I want to kick these demons out of my head, I want to sweep the cobwebs out of my heart, I want to fill up this void in my mind and find what motivates me again. I want to tell my dreams to the world and inspire everyone I meet. I want to try harder and actually get somewhere. I want to kick Julie the hell out of my head, and I want you and I and Lynne and Natalie too to be the only ones left, just us and my headgang and my monsters and my worlds and God watching over us all, without a shadow in sight. Laurie, I want to be saved, and I want that to happen as soon as possible. I've had enough of being used by the corruption in this world, and I just want to be a light again. I want my salvation. I just want some salvation.

...Wow.

Sorry about the words. I just... had to write that. Couldn't help it.

No, it's... geez, Jewel. You haven't done that in ages. Thank you.

For what?

For letting yourself shine through for once! That's what I've been trying to get you to do for the past few years, and then here you go and bleed all over the page.

I bleed, therefore I am?

Possibly. Barry would be proud.

Meh, maybe. He's just happy chopping stuff.

Speaking of chopping, we'd better end this bloody thing.

In a minute.

In a-- why? It's already 1:17, come on.

Wait, I want to talk about taking things for granted.

Why?

Because. I just got another figurative slap in the face in that respect, although it was entirely unintentional.

What happened now?

Just... a small thing. But it hit me again, how I take people for granted.

Like your sister?

Like my sister... like Jimmy, and Ben, and Jacob. Like all my friends. Like Ammie.

Like Alexandria, and Cassandra, and Lyndzee, and Stephanie...

All right, now, that hurts a lot.

It's supposed to. You were young then, you didn't know, you didn't think. Now I want you to hurt for that, and learn your lesson as many times as you have to.

Oh please, Laurie, I'm tired of my Thanatos hands. I'm tired of figuratively killing off--

You're not killing them off, Jewel. Some of them just leave.

How many of them? Two? Think about it, Laur! I can't help but feel that I somehow played a rather major part in the sufferings of these people, and God help me but I don't even know how.

Then maybe you didn't. Your guys, their fates were written before you even saw their faces for the first time.

Still hurts.

I know.

It still hurts, because I just seem to know how to pick 'em, you notice? Freakin' Rorschach, I thought he would be okay, and then he just had to go and die like that and I ended up sobbing like an idiot in my living room for longer than I can remember.

You loved him.

You know what? Yeah, I did love him. Just like I loved Davy and Grievous and Barry and Godot. Hell, I even loved Nightcrawler when I first met him. I still do! I still love every one of those guys! Point is, Laurie, I love people far too easily, and then it's far too easy for me to hurt them, even if they don't even acknowledge me. Point is, I connect far too hard, and then when my strings start to tear at my heart I'm wondering why the hell I'm bleeding all over the walls! Tony Bennett knew what he was talking about when he wrote that song and I ended up hearing it in this crazy game of life-- I fall in love too easily, too genuinely, too fast, too unconditionally, too blindly, and then when the repurcussions start hitting, I don't know what to do. I take these people for granted-- family, friends, soulbonds, muses, everyone that ever meant anything to me-- and it doesn't hit me just how much they mean to me until it's too late! Damn it, Laurie, but I never even told my sister that I loved her until she was gone. Do you have any idea how much that breaks my heart?

I thought you didn't break, you glacier.

Oh, stop smiling, you know I don't. But I'm coming far too close these days, and I'm scared of what will happen when that last fracture hits a pressure point and I finally shatter.

Really, Jewel. Stop being a hypocrite.

Why, what did I say now?

When you were younger you were always talking about your broken heart, your shattered heart, your glass heart. Now you just say it's cracked and walk off like it's made of ice. How the hell could you cry if you were frozen on the inside?

You remember that dream I had last year. You remember what they said about me.

Powers of ice, soul of fire. Yeah. But the heart point still stands. What the hell happened there?

I don't know. I guess I was just too naive back then. Overreacted. But seriously, when I look back and think about all of it, I think that if my heart had really broken at least once, I would have reacted much stronger than I had to things. I've been cracked and shot at and held too tightly, yeah, but I haven't collapsed into a glimmering disaster of bloody shards. I almost have, several times, and lately I've been mentally shattering from the traumas I've been going through, but my heart's still holding together somehow.

Are you sure you're not naive now? What if you're like those people with heart attacks, and you've already had your heart broken several times now but never noticed?

I would have noticed.

Are you sure? There's never a guarantee, you know.

...That's true. I don't know, really. I don't think so, but... geez, I can't be sure.

S'okay. We're off topic anyway.

That we are. By the way, I'm sorry for taking you for granted too.

Huh? Why?

Because of what you said earlier-- much earlier. You care more than I realize, you help me more than I realize. I think I would have lost nearly every battle with Julie so far if you haven't been helping.

All right, now you're giving me too much credit. I'm not the only one upstairs who's aiding you in this.

Yeah, but who's been the biggest influence? Who's the reason Mofo and Bogardus are even keeping up the pep talks and crazy Baptist warning sermons? You are, Laurie, because not only are you brave enough and confident enough to stand up for the both of us and keep me walking straight, but you're nice enough to stay by my side even when I let you down and forget that you were never promised to me. I could lose you any day, just as easily as I lost Natalie, and I know you too well; you'd never return. Heck, look at me! I've been siphoning you for months without even realizing it, and half the time you don't even speak up, even though I know you're pissed off at me. Laurie, I don't want you to die. You remember that time with my psychiatrist.

Yeah, I remember that. I think that was proof that you weren't taking me for granted, though.

Well, that was the first time it hit me. I realized, "oh my gosh, if I lose her, what am I going to do?" I had never really considered the harsh reality of maybe losing you forever, and that hit me like a train of bricks.

With a grenade in it.

With five grenades in it, seriously. But I am sorry. I really should have spoken up sooner.

Nah, it's okay. Besides, I haven't said the same to you yet.

Really?

Really. I've told you why I'm here; I'm here to protect you, and I'm not doing that because it's my job or anything. I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care. I met you in that dream and I saved you from that hell because I knew you were a good person and I still do, no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you lose. You always try, even if you don't succeed, and you care far too much for your own good. It ticks me off when you put yourself down every time I try to drag you back up, and I know my methods aren't the best but God knows they work, and that's what matters to me. I don't want to lose you either, all right? I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me.

Don't go that far, Laurie.

Heheh... all right. If you say so.

Well, that was sudden.

What, the whole conversation?

Yeah. I think I needed that, though.

As did I. But you also need sleep.

Aw, geez. 2AM again.

Time to listen to stupid reggae, huh?

I could, but I'd much rather listen to this Debussy sonata and go to sleep with that in my head instead of some guy angsting over getting caught by the fuzz.

I bet Karl could play this violin solo.

I bet he could. I also bet he'd stab me if I tried to compliment him on it.

I am going to laugh so hard if you two hook up or something.

It'll never happen, Laurie. I swear.

Pinky swear?

Won't work no more.

Good, you got the reference.

Hey, violent knight on the edge of your knife.

Silent night for the rest of your life!

I'm getting chest pain again.

Well then, get the hell to bed, unless Karl just stabbed you. In that case, get your ass to an emergency room.

It might be a little hard to explain that I was stabbed by a statue.

It might be even harder to explain that your favorite headvoice just stabbed you because you wouldn't shut the hell up and get to bed.

Yeah, that might be tough. That's another reason why I don't bring you guys up to psychiatrists anymore; they just don't understand.

That's probably a major source of your problems, though. You need to talk about Julie.

Well geez, what am I supposed to say? "My stepsister mindrapes me every time I try to sleep?"

Not just you, either. And she's not your stepsister, thank God.

Well, it's easier to believe than "my headvoice does all this shit to me..."

Hey, watch the mouth, you spaz.

I love how we alternate that line. I just love how paradoxical we are.

Yeah, it's pretty funny. Blame Chaos for that nickname of yours, though.

Oh yes. Can't forget that.

But seriously, get to bed.

Wait, we need a good ending line first.

I got one. Go die in New Jersey.

Also, listen! I rattle!

*rattlerattlerattlerattlerattle*

All right, now that's just creepy.

Hey, headvoices get special creepy powers too. Now get the hell to bed before I stab you with my bird-knife.

All right, all right!

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (CANNON)

So we haven't spoken on here in months?

No, apparently not.

Dang. That's a long time. And a lot has been going on.

I know... more people in my head, more personality switches...

Fights with Julie.

Fights with Julie... too many of those.

This had better not turn into a full-blown entry.

No, I'm too tired, and it's already 4:30 AM. That, and I have to draw that anniversary picture for Tuesday, you know.

You're not going to be happy until you mention that in every journal of yours, are you.

I just want to get the word out, I guess. It's an unconscious thing. I'm not thinking too much right now.

Shoot, really?

Yeah.

Then get the heck to bed, Jewel. Seriously, Julie is going to hack you if you aren't careful.

She's not going to hack me, Laurie. There are too many people watching her right now.

What, like Bogardus and Chaos and Mofo? You forget, though, I'm the only one who can touch her.

You're not going anywhere, though... right?

No, I'm not, but if you're tired enough then I can't break through when she's there. Your mind is a freaking mess, remember.

I remember. By the way, we really need to get all of you together and just talk one day.

What do you mean, 'all of us?' You mean like Natalie and Lynne?

Yeah... and maybe Julie and Missy too, all of them...

Jewel, are you insane? You can't just willingly let her in here! She'd start a living hell!

Not if I have enough people on the sidelines keeping her in control.

Oh, sure, and who the heck is going to stand around and watch her while all of us are having a conversation? If she decides to go primal on you, then you're screwed unless I do the same, and then what's going to happen to the conversation? Gone, down the drain. Out like a light. And I really don't want to expose Natalie to her either.

Natalie's seen her before.

Not that close. Not that dangerously close. I still think you shouldn't let her in.

What if she fights her way in?

Then I'll fight her the heck out. I'm not going to let her touch you.

Thanks, Laurie. Now I really should get some sleep.

Darn straight you should. You said you were staying up to get Darkrai on eBay, and five hours later you haven't moved. What the heck.

I honestly don't know. I guess it's one of those floating nights.

It's going to get much worse if you don't get your sorry ass into your room right now, sir.

All right, all right. I'll see you later, Laurie.

That you will, Jewel. That you will.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (SPINNY)

CHAOS ZERO

SELPH

Wow.

What?

You're actually doing it. We're actually having a conversation and you're actually writing it down.

Heheh, yeah. I have a bad habit of having these really important conversations with you when I'm nowhere near my Xanga.

That reminds me, though.

What?

Invitations. What did you promise me? Huh? We're not the only people in here.

Oh geez, yeah! I said I'd invite them. Hold on one second.

I've been holding on for an entire month, Jewel. Almost two. We talk, and we talk now.

Gosh, hon, are you that impatient?

Yeah, basically. Come on, as if I haven't been wanting to swear at you in public since July. Seriously, kid. This is our bloody bonding time.

If we used traditional terms, yeah! Man, but I miss these conversations.

You think you're the only one? Who's the reason you're even having them in the first place?

Jessica.

Oh, yeah. That's right. I hate that poor excuse for a headvoice.

Hey hey hey, she's dead, remember?

No she isn't, Jewel. She keeps coming back and she's going to keep coming back until you destroy every last iota of her in you and then change your entire name. That's the only time she's going to die, and you know it.

...Yeah, you're right. You're right. And I'm not trying hard enough to get there.

Tell me about it. Did you tell them how much you've changed since then?

Huh?

Since July. How much you've changed. You have a new journal now, remember.

Ssh, Laurie! They're not supposed to know about that one. That one's secret.

This one used to be secret, too, and then you decided to drop one too many hints.

Half the time they were unintentional, you know me. I have a very hard time paying attention to things sometimes.

You're a total screwup. Speaking of you need to call for that evaluation.

Oh hey, you're right. Well, I'll do that tomorrow. Tonight we rant.

All four of us.

Yep.

How long have we been waiting?

Since July 29th, dear.

Already?

Yeah, already! Time flies when you're having fun.

That or an extra side of pain.

I know all about that, yeah.

Ahaha, that's right! I forgot who was all over that journal.

Keep your mouth shut, Laurie. That's not for you to talk about.

Ooh, getting protective, are we?

I'll be as protective as I need to be.

Guys, guys, calm down. Let's not start an axefight this early in the conversation.

Can we start one later?

I'd rather we didn't.

Yeah, I don't like when you attack her with an axe, Laurie. That's scary. It scares me.

She deserves it.

She does not deserve it.

Chaos, calm down. Please. Is everything all right?

Everything except for the fact that I can't get used to her being in the room. I've seen firsthand what happens between you two, and frankly I'm not very happy with it, reasons or no reasons. I can't just stand by and watch someone abuse you like that... or like this.

She asks me to.

That doesn't make it any more acceptable.

Oh, really? I think it does.

Laurie, stop it. Don't fight with Chaos over all this, okay? You fight with me. That's how this conversation started in the first place--

She is not going to fight with you, Jewel. Not while I'm here.

Physically, no. Verbally, yes. That's why we're here, remember.

I agreed to that conversation before I knew what she did to you when you made mistakes.

...

Um... can we start a different topic, please? I don't like all this fighting.

I'd be glad to, Selph.

Geez, stop glaring at me!

I'll stop glaring at you when you promise me that you won't so much as think of that axe for the rest of this conversation, at least.

Fine. No axe. But words hurt just as much, you know.

I know they do.

And?

...And there's nothing I can do about that. I can't stop you from saying things, even if I try to. Just don't go too far.

Oh, I don't go too far with her, Chaos. This is all agreed upon and perfectly fine with both of us.

That's what worries me.

What was the original topic for this conversation again?

Perfection.

Oh, no.

Chaos, not that kind, honestly--

No no no, it's just that... that subject is horribly painful for the both of us in any context. Selph, too, right?

Um. ...I... yeah, I guess you could say that, with my past self and all.

How does that work, dear?

Because... I guess that I was supposed to be perfect too. Now I'm not. Now I'm broken and different, and they can't call me perfect in that sense anymore.

Aha, here we go with the senses. Isn't there an absolute for perfection?

No one's ever agreed upon it, I think.

I know, almost everyone I've ever met has a different opinion of it.

What's yours?

Absolute perfection? Mortally unattainable. True perfection can only be achieved by God and that's it. I don't even consider perfection to exist in this reality, to be totally honest. Some things may seem perfect or may be percieved as perfect under certain circumstances, but the total definition of perfection debunks them without a second thought. Here, in this life, there is no such thing as perfection.

Really? That's what you think?

Yes.

Huh. All right, Chaos, what's yours?

Perfection is a lie. It's nothing but a delusion for those who say something is without flaws or is absolute in some other aspect. Nothing is ever perfect, just like Jewel says, and anything or anyone who claims they are has some serious thinking to do. It's a lie.

I think you're a little biased.

I sure am. But that's the only reason I can form an opinion on this. Experience.

That's true. I won't deny that. Selph?

Wait wait wait-- Chaos, Perfection isn't perfect. Isn't that what we said?

Yes, and I agree with that, sweetheart. But that doesn't change the fact that everyone else is going to call him 'Perfect' because of the power and attributes he has. There's nothing perfect about him. Nothing at all.

He's not even perfect evil, because he's still you.

Thank you, Laurie. I needed to hear that.

Anytime. Just ask.

Yeah, that's another thing, Chaos... Perfect may not be you in the mental and emotional sense, but he still takes you over, right?

Right.

So... I'm sorry to say this, darling, but... then he is still you, in a way?

Unfortunately. Unfortunately... just like Jessica is still you in a way as well.

Eh. Yeah, I see your point. I'm sorry.

There's nothing to apologize for, Jewel. That's not your fault, and what you said was the truth.

Still, it hurt.

Doesn't mean it's your fault. The truth stings no matter who tells it.

Yeah... I need to stop blaming myself for those things.

That you do.

Um, excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry! Go ahead, Selph. What was your answer?

I think it's the same thing as you said, actually. Everyone thinks perfection means you're 100% of something and 0% of something else. All bad, no good. All good, no bad. Well, that's not possible! You said it yourself, Jewel, everyone has some good in them, and I've realized that everyone has the potential to be bad in them, too.

Yeah, I remember talking about that.

Mmhmm. So it's like you said. No perfection, because nothing is absolute. Not even the song.

Ha!

What?

Hee hee. I got you to laugh!

Yeah, you did. Heh.

I think we all needed that right about now.

Yep yep! Just ask me anytime.

Hey!

I can say it too, Laurie!

Fine, whatever. Well, now that that's settled... what do you have to say about self-abuse?

Back to that topic already, huh?

Does it even count as self-abuse if you're the one mauling me?

Not just that, Jewel. I mean the Gamboge marks on your arms. I mean the pain addiction.

Oh.

She knows?

Course she knows, Selph. You know, Chaos knows, she knows. I know more than anyone.

Wow... I had no idea. I'm sorry. I thought it was a secret.

It is, but you know me. I'm awful at keeping secrets.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, yeah.

So why are you still doing it?

Because I'm still not happy with myself. That and it's the only way for me to get the emotional pain out of my heart, remember? Just a form transfer. That's all.

Dear God, I really wish you didn't have to do that...

So do I, Chaos. So do I. But until I find a better way, that's all I have.

You have our words. The blue journal.

That's true... but sometimes I'm nowhere near that outlet. Sometimes the outlet becomes me.

...

Chaos, are you okay?

No.

...Guys?

What?

Can we change the subject?

No, no no. It's not that. This needs to be settled, pain or no pain. ...If I can put up with doing what I did to her... I can put up with this.

Chaos, please. Please don't blame yourself and say you're responsible for that.

What would you say if you were in my position?

...I'd blame myself and say I was responsible. I'm sorry. I'm being a hypocrite again...

You're not being a hypocrite, Jewel. You're just trying to help.

How the heck can she help him if she can't even help herself?

I at least know how to love him come hell or high water.

Jewel, you have to stop doing that...

Stop doing what?

Hating yourself. Please. Stop hating yourself. There's nothing to hate. We all make mistakes.

We've both made some pretty damn big mistakes.

Yes we have. And don't swear, Jewel. You remember what Laurie said.

She'd damn well better! I don't want to die.

I don't want you to die, either. I'm sorry.

Nah, it's all right. With all the time we've been spending together lately, it was inevitable that I'd rub off on you.

It's more than rubbing off, Laurie. It's taking in.

And that's the problem here. Stop that. You remember what I said a few entries back.

"Jewel Lightraye doesn't have a shadow."

Yes.

But all human beings have shadows.

Hers are personified. We are who we are, our own lives. That makes us seperate from her. She, as herself, has no shadow.

Oh... now I get it.

Do you now? That's good.

Yeah. I was wondering why she'd want to keep you around when you do bad stuff to her.

She's got a bit of a pain addiction, to say the least. It's bordering on masochism in my opinion.

On what?

Laurie, that's not what this is, at all.

It's pretty freaking close. You did research on that stuff one day, remember? Found out how it hits a little too close to home? Read about how there are people out there who actively seek "painful" relationships, but still won't let anyone twist their morals in the process? Read about the emotionally desperate people just like you who would go to see people kind of like me, just to have them insult them and abuse them? Because no one else would? And they bizarrely needed that to feel like they meant something to someone? Tell me that's not pretty bloody close to what we're doing here!

They don't have axes.

Jewel, what the heck do you research on here?

A lot. Quite a lot.

I see her. She does. It's her way of killing Julie, I think.

I'm not killing her, Selph. She's a waste-lock, remember?

Like in Johnny C?

Yeah, just like Johnny... except I'd be him and she'd be Reverend Meat or someone.

Haha, and I'd be Mister Eff! "Get out there and live, you bastard!"

Crossed with Nailbunny, yes.

I love being the psychotic angel on your shoulder.

Is that what she is now?

In a sense, yeah. I told you, she's my superego and demented conscience as well as my favorite headvoice, so of course she's going to keep me on the right track.

Although I do a pretty bloody vicious job of it.

I know you do.

Oh come on, don't start that argument again. Look, she wants me to do it--

That doesn't mean you have to do it!

Yes it does. That's half the reason she keeps me around, Chaos. She wants this. She needs this. She needs a mental release, she needs freedom from the other sort of pain. She needs someone to tell her when she's making a fatal mistake and then beat the literal hell out of her for it. Otherwise she'll never learn. I wouldn't do all this if she didn't need it, Chaos. I don't abuse her because I get some sort of cruel power trip from it. I hurt her and I swear at her and I kick her when she's down because I love her and I'm one of the only things keeping her together when she falls apart like this. You remember what happened at the psychiatrist.

...Yeah, I do. She practically cried all afternoon.

Aww, you did?

Pretty much, yeah. You were hiding and panicking so you didn't see, I think.

No, I didn't. I was all emo and hate-the-world for a week, haha. Thanks to your counselor, no less!

I know! They're supposed to help me and all they do is screw things up half the time.

Well then, don't bring me up anymore!

I wouldn't if you weren't such a vital part of who I am.

Huh. Well yeah, that's true. Oh, and even if we did have to suffer a living hell to find out, we did solve the mystery of what Julie is and why I've been on death row recently.

Death row?

Yeah. I was starting to die a little bit.

How?

Jewel was becoming me. I warned her about that, but did she listen? No. I'd hijack her consciousness to keep her under control, but then she'd keep a bit of me within her own personality every time so I was dying little by little. If she had kept it up I might have disappeared forever.

Once we realized what was happening, though, I called it quits and fast. Realized what was hers and gave it back to her!

Yeah, and now I'm just as brutal as ever!

And I'm not.

Heck yes. Keep it that way.

I'll try.

You'll do it, too.

I sure hope so. Thank you.

Well, this has been an interesting conversation.

It sure has. I don't even think we stayed on topic for more than five minutes.

But we covered them all.

Did we?

...Hm. Maybe not.

It says here that it was just perfection... oh. That and your mom.

Ah...

Oh. Well, that's a whole new page on it's own...

Why, what was it about? Just her insulting you? I think that's her way of expressing her anger and stress and all that, personally. Just letting it all out in words and actions. We discussed that before.

Yeah. Well, she has to express it somehow.

But she always expresses it at you.

That's because she doesn't have one of me. Ever realize why Jewel is so nice to everyone? Ever wonder how she can easily love the world and empathize so well? No shadow. I'm it. When she feels anger or frustration or anything vicious like that, she feeds it into me and I become a little darker, while she stays the same.

That's why you were so worried about the leak.

Yeah. Did you notice how nasty she was becoming?

I did, actually. That scared me so badly...

I'm so sorry, Chaos. I never meant for it to.

No, it's okay. I know you didn't. It was just... so unlike you. So perpetually unhinged. Very dark.

It was dark. I had no idea who I was half the time, really. I was just a hurricane of tears and blood and mixed emotions and no one could tell which was which or what was going on. It was a very frightening time in my life because I really thought I was losing myself.

That's because you were, and you were gaining me.

Yes, we fixed that.

Don't let it happen again.

Believe me, I won't.

Please.

I promise you, Chaos. That'll never happen again.

All right. It just worries me how much we've all changed lately.

Especially me...

Yeah, you've become quite a fiery demon, haven't you, Selph?

Kinda. I don't like it sometimes. I'm afraid I'm becoming what I was.

I'll help you stop that if that's what's happening, okay? Remember I'm always right here for you, no matter what. That's a promise too.

I know, Jewel. I remember. I love you.

Oh... I love you too, Selph.

There's too much for me to say.

Three little words not going to cut it, sweetheart?

God, no. It's been like this for months now. Freaking months. I'm burning up on the inside.

I know the feeling. That one night in the rain last week, huh?

Oh geez, yeah... 2005 all over again. I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.

Don't go apologizing, dear, I'm the one that started it!

Ooh, what's this now?

None of your business!

Fine. She'll tell me eventually.

Don't tell her.

I won't.

Eh, so you say, but remember I already read your--

Don't say it! Geez, Laur, that would give everything away. Everything.

Got some deep dark secrets in there, huh?

Deep and dark, yeah. If you've read them you know what I mean.

She reads those darn things?

Apparently.

'Course I do, girl! I get to see them every time you're up late and typing away because your heart hurts or your mind is snapping. Free privileges for being a headvoice, haha.

I hope you don't tell anyone.

Heck no. Jewel's secrets are safe with me. I say nothing to no one, no sir, not a thing. Ever. Scout's honor.

Well that's good. I guess I'm not the only one she tells everything, then?

Nope, I get to hear the deep dark secrets too.

That or you read them over my shoulder!

Sorry.

Nah, you can read them all you want. I just find it funny.

Oh, okay. 'Cause I remember you showing me the birthday entry in there once, even though it was secret.

They're all secret, hon, but you can read them. You're my muse after all.

That I am!

And I'm your you-know-what.

Are we still using that term, sweetheart?

Until we find a better one, sure thing.

You didn't type it, though. You hid it.

Prejudiced sensitivities, Selph. Some people don't take kindly to Jewel being a polyamorous asexual xenophile.

That title got a heck of a lot longer in the blue entries, you know.

Yeah, I've seen it! It's great. How do you remember all that?

Sometimes I have to sit and think about it, I'll admit. "What was the next word?"

What, you have a specific order?

Yes I do.

Oh geez, that's brilliant. That's another thing I love about you.

What?

You're just as weird as I am.

Ahaha, yeah, and that's my fault too!

That it is!

You guys need to explain all that to everybody else, you know. You have a LOT of typing to do.

That or drawing, or both. I have 5 years to explain anyway.

There's so much to talk about, I swear...

And so much of it that will never reach the public ear, right?

Right. Don't give them any ideas, though!

Oh, the public gets crazy ideas no matter what you do.

That is true. Oh well. Gotta live with them, right?

Yeah, can't let that stop me. I have to write up Big's history as well, you know.

You do? That's awesome! Write it up quick. He told me about it and I nearly died, I swear. Did you hear all of it yet?

Not the whole thing, but close to it. Last I heard was that night he went out to see what Sting was talking about, you know--

Oh geez, give yourself some free time to listen to that. It's amazing what that purple guy has been through since Emerl left.

Yeah, no one knows how that ties in, either... that or Sonic CD.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Wow. You do need to get typing!

We are way off topic, guys. Get back on the crazy train.

Speaking of trains, remember that one mental exercise with the truck?

Oh gosh yes. Laurie, I swear you weigh at least fifty tons.

Haha, I do not!

Sure felt like it! Hey, whatever happened to that doll?

I'll never tell.

We need to get back together and just rant about that one day. That was insanely fun. I loved it.

It was, even though I came in late, kind of.

Bakura and Marik did too, yeah.

I think that was the first time they met Laurie, right?

I think so too. Huh. I should really formally introduce them to you sometime, Laur.

You should. I'd love to see the looks on their faces.

Oh geez, that's right. They don't know what she does.

No, they don't... wow. They don't know. I thought maybe they did.

Nope. Not a word, not a single incident. They know all the stuff from the old days that Selph and I don't, before Laurie personified herself to you, but all this new stuff? That's for your two monster boys, Jewel. The Pharaoh and the Mage still don't know anything.

Gosh, I loved those old titles. But yeah, you're right. They really don't know... do you think I should tell them?

Maybe. Maybe one day when we're all together and have a lot of time. They do need to know this, Jewel. At least I think so.

I think so too. I want to be totally honest with them in this. I don't love them any less than I did back in 2003, and I feel awful when I think of how much they don't know... how much they're missing out. I don't mean for this to happen, and it hurts.

I know, Jewel. You've told me that before, and believe me, we all understand. You spend quite a lot of time apologizing and explaining all of that to us for us to doubt you, you know.

Really?

Really really.

Really really really!

Infinity plus one.

Aww, she got it!

You know the trump card, Laurie?

Heck yes! I win.

I guess you do. But really, Jewel. You believe me when I say that, right?

I always do. I have no reason not to. Thanks, love.

Anytime. Any time at all.

Isn't there something you wanted to say, Jewel?

Oh, yeah! I found this photo and forgot about what it said.

What photo?

On dA. That glass laserpen heart I love so much, with the perfect title.

What, were you searching my keywords again?

Yes.

You crazy girl. I love you too.

I know, sweetheart. But I figured the words really fit this conversation. Lucky coincidence that I stumbled across them again tonight, I say.

Why, what are the words?

"So many imperfections... imperfections = chaos... chaos = beautiful."

...Wow. Just... are you sure you didn't write that?

I would have if he didn't write it first.

Heh, I figured as much. You know that never fails to blow me away? I still can't comprehend it half the time.

I can't either, Chaos. I just accept it for all it's worth and let my heart do the comprehending. That works for me just as good as anything.

I'll have to try that next time.

That you will.

It's 10PM, kids!

What?

Jewel needs her sleep. She also need to finish her bloody homework! Get a move on, girl!

Oh geez, she's right. I stayed up too late talking to you guys, I guess.

No no no, 10PM is okay. Just don't get distracted so you can actually get some sleep tonight, okay?

Go lucid!

I'll try my very best, Selph! Honest I will.

You won't go lucid if you don't go to freakin' bed, you freakazoid!

This is a happy place.

Yes it is!

Candlejack.

Don't say it!

It's too late, this conversation is ov

Ahahaha. Janglejack strikes again.

I forgot we game him that silly nickname.

I didn't. I remember a surprising amount of the crazy shit we think up.

Hey, watch your mouth, Laurie.

Geez, you know I swear!

Yeah, but just... be careful. No one likes a filthy vocabulary.

Eh, I guess you're right. Oh well. I'll touch it up here in there. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop spitting swears when I'm ticked, though. That's practically a classic by now.

Well, at least you watched one of your words there.

That I did. Now you can't yell at me.

No, I can't, you're right. And you stayed away from the axe, too.

Yep. Hopefully we won't need it again for a while, right, Jewel?

Amen to that, Laurie... amen to that.

Just keep trying harder, okay Jewel?

Okay, Selph. That's a promise too.

Now promise me you'll get to bed. You need sleep.

All right, hon. I will, as soon as I finish this.

Don't take long, though, okay?

Yeah, you remember what I said about the minutes!

That and the sugar cubes.

Hah! Yeah! Good old Rorschach. You haven't been obsessing over him recently, you know.

I don't obsess over people, I just think about them a lot. Besides, right now it's Grievous' turn again.

Seriously? You're back with the General now?

I never left.

No, you know what I mean, Jewel. Back with the "obsessing," or so Laurie calls it.

Yes, actually. They put a CGI picture of him in Entertainment this week and I died. Of joy overload.

Haha, I figured you might! Man, you really loved that guy way back when.

I still do, but it's platonic, remember. I spoke about that in my blue pages too.

That you did.

What about Davy Jones?

Ohoho! Owned!

Eheh, yeah, Davy's a special case. Still platonic though, but at one time I really was crazy for that crazy squidman.

In a sane fangirl way.

Not even a fangirl way, actually. Just in the way I do things.

Ah. Well, that's incomparable.

It is. I like it that way.

So do I.

I do too!

And I think we should have ended this conversation ten minutes ago!

She's right, actually.

Unfortunately, yeah.

I had fun, though! How about you guys?

Yeah, I have to say I did, save for the very beginning.

The beginnings are usually like that.

That's true.

Everything worked out for the best in the end, though. I really needed this.

I think we all did.

Yep! I've been waiting since July to talk to you again after all.

Who, me?

No, all of you. Not just you.

Lovely little paradox you have there, Selph.

Sorry!

In any case, it is getting late, and I really should close up.

I won't argue with that, no matter how much I love these conversations as well.

Sleep, you lunatic.

All right, all right! Have a good night, you guys.

I'll be up as long as you are!

Hey, don't keep Selph up late, Jewel!

Haha, okay. I won't. ...Thanks for stopping by tonight, you two. Means a lot.

Mmhmm! Never a problem, no matter what.

Like I said, Jewel-- anytime you need me. I'm here.

That's a whole other conversation in itself, too.

It's also for another night, you crazy lovebirds. Now get out of here before I call Janglejack on you again.

That wouldn't be good!

No, it sure wouldn't be! Well, have a good night, Selph.

You too! Adios and arrivederci!

I guess I'll be seeing you later, too.

Most likely, knowing how I work.

You won't see him if you don't LEAVE. Seriously. What the heck.

Sorry, Laur. Good night, Chaos. I love you.

And all of mine to you, Jewel. Now I'm off before Laurie takes my head off.

You know I will if you aren't careful! Go on, keep walking.

Haha, okay. I'll see you in a bit, Jewel. Good night.

Finally he leaves!

Well, what did you expect? We're all bad at closing up conversations.

Everyone except Candlejack, that is.

Ssh! Don't say it!

Nah, he won't come and get me. I'm only a headvoice, I can't be kidnapped. He'll come after you instead!

Well, I'm going to leave before he gets here! Ha! What do you think of that?

Sounds like a plan!

Can a person love more than one person at the same time? Why or why not?

Ahaha, I'm doing something other than a headvoice rant for once! Have I really gone insane this time?
But seriously... I saw this question and just had to reply.

Can someone love more than one person simultaneously?
Yes, you can. I'm doing it right now!
But the fine points still stand... you might love multiple people at the same time, sure, but is it right?
Depends on the circumstances, dear.
If you aren't in it for sex and marriage, then sure. If you are, then forget about it.

In my personal opinion, exclusive romantic relationships are just that... exclusive! You pick one person to share that with, and that's it. That's what makes it special, y'know.
But I'm not one to talk, being a celibate asexual! I have no interest in the above sort of relationship.

I'm polyamorous, sure, but I'm polyamorous in a platonic way.
I'm 'in love' with all three of my best friends, yeah, but that doesn't mean I want to date them or anything! I love them for who they are and that's all I need. Told you I work differently.

Anyway... let's take a typical gal and see how this works.
Say she's been dating some guy for a few months now, and they really have a good relationship. All of a sudden, the girl meets some other guy and bam, she's head over heels.
Now we have a problem! She loves her boyfriend, but she's learned to love this new guy, too.
Here's what I say. Don't date this new guy unless you've broken up with your current boyfriend. If you don't want to break up, then don't cheat-- because if you're going to start pursuing a serious relationship with someone while you're already in one with someone else-- that's infidelity, and that's no good, as Sonic would say.
It's a tough decision, and one I've thankfully never had to make, thank God!

Now listen. I let my guys know when I'm feeling for someone new, platonic or not. Just ask them-- if they're part of my crazy group here then they know how I work and they're fine with it-- because I'm not going all romantic with one guy and then turning around and doing the same for someone else, no sir.
I let them know, and if they're okay with it, then that's good. If not, then I don't act on anything. Simple as that.

Eh, but that's enough of my ranting for one evening. Hopefully you get the point despite all my topic switches!

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (CANNON)

Hey there.
You're supposed to be writing a report, you moron.
I know. Just felt like saying hello to you, though.
Don't know why the heck you'd do that. I've been hijacking your consciousness all month. Would've thought you'd have had enough of me by now.
Nope. I miss you when you're not around and yelling at me.
Sheesh you're a headcase. Now write your bloody report.
I will, I will. Give me a minute.
A minute turns to ten minutes in a second with you.
Wait, what?
Never mind.
No, really. That was brilliant.
Glad you think so. But seriously, write that freaking thing. You only have an hour tops before you're going to collapse from fatigue. That's been happening a lot recently.
I know, I know. Mostly because of Rorschach lately.
Good heavens, I swear you are obsessed with that man.
Not obsessed. Just addicted.
Right. I remember when you were like this with Grievous and Davy Jones.
Why does everyone always bring them up?
Because Grievous was part of your daily life for several months in 2005, and you ended up openly admitting that you loved that squidman back in 2006. That's why.
Oh. Good reasons.
Sure are. And Chaos goes without saying.
A-haha, yeah. We'll keep that quiet for now.
Yeah, otherwise we'll get into a whole rant and you'll end up pulling a Johnny-nighter again.
A what?
A Johnny-nighter. Where you stay on the computer until 8AM the next morning doing work, and inevitably end up writing at least 2 journal entries and thinking largely about JTHM during that time.
Good heavens, where are you getting all these terms from?
The ice machine.
Oh. Okay.
It knows things.
You know, I think the both of us need sleep.
Geez, you moron, I'm just joking around. Evil never sleeps, and neither do I.
Aha, you're quoting Rorschach! Wasn't that in a fanfic, though? A good one?
Hell if I know. I'm just trying to keep you awake.
Oh. Yeah. Hey, guess what?
What now?
I'm totally screwed come August.
Why, the trip?
Yeah. Jacob's planning far too much. I wish I wasn't so antisocial and serious, because that really upsets people, y'know? They all want to do stuff and I just want to keep to myself. Maybe talk about something interesting for a bit but that's all. I just... don't want this trip to happen.
You're very mental.
In both senses, yes.
Haha, that is true. But honestly, why are you worrying about this now? I mean, besides the fact that the day is bearing down on you like a freight train.
A freight train full of spike grenades.
Sounds painful.
It is.
What, do you still want them to cancel the visit?
I can't do that. He's looking forward to it too much, and I need to learn to stop being selfish about those things. Just because I don't want something doesn't mean life's going to agree with me on that point.
Hey-- but are we really talking selfishness, or are we going back to the infamous compromise issue?
Ah... you know what, probably the compromise issue.
I find it funny how both Rorschach and Johnny gave you the same bloody advice.
That's because I need it.
Like a hole in the head.
Paradoxically, yes.
I love killing cliches.
Amen.
But yeah, I think it's just that. You're afraid that by allowing this all to happen, you're going to have no other choice but to change your literal personality just to get through it all.
The infamous aura chameleon.
Maybe you are a Crystal, I don't know. We need to go see.
Yeah, someday. Right now, though, I'm more worried about whether or not I'm going to make it through those three days intact. I'm afraid I'm either going to lose something, kill something, or both concerning either of us.
Hmm. Yeah, that's serious stuff.
Tell be about it. Hey, I never heard the full version of the Pikachu remix before.
What the-- oh, the song on WMA right now. Geez, you shocked me.
Sorry. I've never listened to this whole thing before, though. Apparently they sync the English Pokerap into the last minute or so. It's hilariously fun to listen to.
Well, I guess I can thank Newgrounds for that.
Yeah, you can. Geez, I can't believe I found that website when I was 11, haha. Not good for my mental health.
No kidding. Let's get back on topic, though. It's getting late.It's getting early.
Aw, who the heck cares what it's getting. You should be in bed regardless.
One day I'm going to wander in there and there's going to be a note on my pillow saying "BeHinD you"--
Heh, yeah, and then you're going to be in deep trouble.
He'll probably throw my Pokemon plushies at my head or something. "Class tomorrow. I checked. No sleep. Very bad."
I would pay him to do that.
Do it.
Fine. Don't cry when he keeps you up until 4AM, then.
I won't. We'll stay up talking about random stuffs and we'll eat sugar cubes because we can.
Yeah, that'll keep you awake for sure. Hey-- where's that freaking report?
What? Oh, yeah...
Yeah, the report. What did I tell you about the ten minutes, huh? It's 1:14 AM, for the love of sanity. Get finished.
I will, I will. Sorry, Laur... I just really wanted to talk to you tonight.
Oh, that's okay. I just don't want you losing all this sleep again. Very bad.
I'm going to be laughing about that for days.
Good. Now go to sleep before the sugar cubes wear off.
All right, all right!
Report first.
Yeah, can't forget that, Thanks, Laurie.
Anytime.
Oh-- oh geez, look at the entry title...
A-ha haa! Brilliant! How the heck did you do that?
I didn't! I just wrote it there as a topic because that was the last scene I read over, and then you made that joke and...
And it all just fit together perfectly.
Yeah!
Geez,
that was pretty epic, though.
Darn straight.
Damn straight.
Same thing.
No, mine is missing an 'r.'
There's an extra in Rorschach's signature.
You steal that 'r' and you're going to have more than a Celebi plushie thrown at your head.
Like butcher knives.
That's Barry's job, you idiot.
I miss him too.
Well that settles it.
What?
You obviously need sleep.
Yeah, that's true. Well, good night, Laurie.
Good night. And finish that report.
I will.
Good.
Um... are you really going to pay him to do that? Just so I know what to watch for.
Kid, I won't pay him a cent until that report is finished.
All right, I hear you!
You going to leave now, then?
Yeah... I just need a good closing line.
How about we just call it quits and see how that works?
It should work fine, actually.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (SPINNY)

...
What's the matter?
...Bad afternoon.
Really?
Really. Mom yelling and all that... and inevitable guilt trips.
Guilt trips? What caused them this time?
Oh, you know... mom making me feel inadequate, making me feel as if I'll never be good enough for her because I'm always so freaking selfish and ignorant and distracted... telling me how much she hates her freaking life and a good deal of that blame goes to me. And then there's Jacob. I always get so horribly distracted, no matter what I'm doing... drawing, writing, attending class, talking on Skype. And then he'll ask me a question and my mind will just blank out. Completely blank out. I feel so disgustingly guilty for not paying more attention, even though I try.
Your mind's just a frazzled mess.
Yes it is.
Well, I don't know what to tell ya. You've been like this since you were a kid, and no one has any clue what the hell is wrong with you. At all.
I know... I just wish I could be a better person at home.
Hmm. Well, you're trying. That's got to count for something.
I'm not trying nearly as hard as I should.
It's still something.
Yeah, but... Selph keeps reminding me, if I don't try as hard as I can, no matter how difficult it is, then I'm not going to get anywhere. I know how true that is just from my own freaking experience, and I'm sick of it.
Your guys say you're perfect.
Yeah, well I don't. That's their viewpoint, not mine. Of course they're going to say that the person they love is perfect. They don't see how deeply flawed I am.
Well, you say they're all perfect too, so what the hell is that?
I say they're perfect because they're perfect to me. I know they have flaws. They have some pretty darn big ones. But they try too, and that is indeed what counts.
Stop being such a bloody hypocrite, Jewel. If they have flaws but try to be better, that makes them perfect in your eyes, but if you do the exact same freaking thing, it makes no difference. What the heck?
I was wondering when you were going to start swearing.
Yes, well, I mellowed out since Thursday. I was mad at you earlier, but I calmed down for a while until now. Now I'm pretty pissed off again. Why do the rules always break when applied to you, huh?
They don't. Not the bad ones. The good ones do. That's because I am me, and I am not satisfied with where I am in life. If my friends want to view me as perfect, if I truly am perfect in their eyes, fine. But when I look in the mirror I'm not happy. That's what counts the most to me in this situation-- my own opinion of my state in life. I am the ONLY one controlling what I do, id in the back of my head or not. I am the ONLY person responsible for my actions, no matter how much blame I take from others on altruistic principles. I am the ONLY person living this life, and if I'm not living it well, then I'm not going to be happy, darn it all.
I have no problem with that, but you have got to stop setting such unrealistically high standards for yourself.
Unrealistically high? What's so unrealistically high about my standards?
You expect yourself to be perfect in the unattainable sense of the word. Flawless. You can't do that, Jewel. You're mortal. You're just a human.
I know that, for heaven's sakes, and please, don't rub it in! I don't expect to be flawless for that very reason. I just... want to be close to it. I want my flaws to be small... good flaws. Little flaws, that do no harm to anyone else but me. These flaws I have are freaking huge; giant gashes in my persona with sharp edges that tear apart anyone I dare to get close to, even a little. I hate it. I literally hate it, and I'm sick of it.
Oh, come on. Your flaws aren't that big. There are people out there who have made far greater mistakes than you have.
I know that, but I already told you that doesn't matter to me! I'm a self-sacrificial altruist, darn it! If they make mistakes, that's okay. I know they're trying, and they're probably doing their best. They have different morals or lifestyles or problems than I do. But I am not responsible for their actions. I can try to change them, sure, I can try to help them, the best I can, but in the end the only actions I can truly and completely change are my own, and if I can't change those than my flaws are freaking big enough.
Geez, stop being so bloody hard on yourself, all right? Just keep trying to change yourself and you'll get there eventually.
I am trying. I'm not good enough.
You will be in time. Keep trying.
I thought I was the optimist, Laurie?
Only when applied to others, it seems. Your altruism is beginning to implode.
Ah, yes, that is true. My old attribute of Sacrifice, right?
Right. Stop killing yourself. Remember what you said in your Scribbld way back when.
I do, Laurie. Believe me, I do. But if I don't improve, then I'll be killing myself. I'm doing okay right now.
You sure?
Yes I'm sure. The only things depressing me and making me feel and act awful are my faults. Selfishness, stupidity, ignorance, folly, distraction, gluttony, self-hatred, worthlessness, inadequacy. All that and more. You know that.
Yeah, but you always put so much emphasis on the bad. You have good qualities, too.
Geez, why are you being so nice to me tonight?
I can be nice when I want to. Plus I already said I was mean enough to you the other night.
Swear at me.
I'll swear at you when I damn well want to.
All right, it is you.
What, you doubting me?
No, I was just afraid you had absorbed a bit of Lynne or something.
Oh, heck no! I'm too much of a bully to be Lynne or anything close to her.
Not even a little bit?
Not even a little bit. Hey, I've always been nice. I just show it the wrong way.
Through screaming and swearing, you mean.
Damn straight. That's me to a T.
That it is. I'm just... not used to you actually pointing out my good side and all that when I'm putting myself down. Usually you scream at me and get me to change my mind myself. Why the sudden switch?
I thought you deserved a break. Plus you're tired and need sleep. If I started swearing I'd keep you up all night. That and it's easier to just tell you the truth myself.
Ah. You really believe that's the truth, then?
I know it's the truth, yeah. Just like Selph. Hey, speaking of, where is he?
Sitting right here next to me, as usual.
Why doesn't he join in?
It's too late. He doesn't want to jump in and start a whole new train of thought at this hour.
Same with Chaos, huh?
Yeah. He's off talking to his J-Monster buds, but he says that "no way is he going to keep me up until 3AM."
Aha, that's Chaos for you. He's a great guy.
Yeah, he is. Hey, I thought you were the one insulting him before?
In that positive way of mine. You know me.
Yeah, I do. ...I say "yeah" too much.
You do. Don't worry about it, though. Go to bed. It's late. I'll scream at you tomorrow if you want.
Do you want to?
Hell yes. I'm not used to being this nice for so long, and you do need a good screaming session every once in a while. Plus it'll be fun to do that with two of your guys in the same room.
That's true... just... don't upset them too much. Selph is very fragile, and Chaos is dangerous when he's angry.
I know that, and I don't care. I'll do whatever it takes to knock some sense into you.
...About what?
About whatever tomorrow's issue is.
It should be the same as today's. Perfection. I'm very upset about that subject, and we really need to talk about it some more. Especially with two other viewpoints adding their opinions.
Does Selph view you as perfect, too?
In the 'romantic sense.' He shares my views of my responsibility, though. That's why I'm so freaking grateful to have him around. He's almost like a living conscience... very harsh, and he doesn't sugarcoat the truth, but he loves me just as much as I love him so it's never negative or malicious. It stings, but he only says it to help.
Aww.
I know. He's a sweet guy. I just need to be careful not to hurt him with what I do because then he tends to get really upset. We've had some fights over that before, and if there's one thing I hate it's finding myself in an argument with someone I love dearly.
Meaning everyone in the whole freakin' world.
Yeah, that is true. But you know what I mean.
Uh-huh. Now sleep. It's 12:24. You have to drive your brothers to church tomorrow.
Ooh, that I do. I'm off, then. Besides, I don't want my mother insulting and belittling me again. It hurts.
Aha, there's another subject we need to cover!
Tomorrow.
Yes, tomorrow. Now go to sleep before I can you.
All right, all right. Good night, Laurie.
Good night. Tell Wizeman I said hello.
If I see him I will. Talk to you tomorrow.
I'll be waiting.
Oh, I'm sure you will be.
Inevitably.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (SPINNY)

I had a really bad day- Can't you listen
Everybody's on drugs- but mine won't kick in!
Everyone's mad, dumb or wicked
Mrs. O please help, don't go!

Hello operator- Please connect me
To the human race- I'm disconnected!
I don't wanna hang up- Can't you help me
Mrs. O?

I'm on the phone.
I'm connected.
Technically.
But...
I feel... so disconnected.

I feel as if... I'm not getting through.

But wait, here's a signal!
What's this, a satellite?

Some words got through the static...
Some feelings got across the thousand miles.

Some good ones
Some bad ones

"I'm not a figment, for the love of God!! I'm real!!"

There's so much love going around here.
I'm such a weirdo.
And I'm a robot, Ima Robot!
Kiss me goodbye because the doctors are coming...!

Maybe it's because I didn't eat much today?
Couldn't stomach it for whatever reason?
Maybe it's because of the addiction that is the enter key
Or Bruce Hunter
The best thing since toast
Or maybe it's my mind's desperate attempt to offset the pain?

"Am I really... your number one?"

God, how did I get myself into this?
How did I get myself into this?
How did I get myself into this mess?

How did I...

I shouldn't be talking here.
Maybe I'll hide this
Maybe I'll mark it "mature"
(I'd have to let Laurie in here first, though)
Maybe I'll turn all the text black!
Leave a huge hole on my page
Where there should be PAIN.

Polyamory is nice when you're asexual
But ONLY if the ones you love accept it, goshdarnit all!

I'm having problems, damn it.
This should not happen... should it?
Obstacles?
Traps?

Pitfalls?

Cliffs?
Firing squads?
And all metaphorical! Would you look at that.

I was shot at by a firing squad once, you know.
Really, I was! In a dream!
I was helping all these poor innocent citizens hide from a terrorist attack and I DID but they caught me instead, and the guy brought me down to camp and they put me up against a wall and they literally turned a freaking firing squad on me.
Psalm 23 started running through my head then, which was really amazing and scary because I don't know anything past the first two lines offhand.
The Lord is my shepherd...
They fired, you know. Thank God I woke up, eh?

hmm

All right, let's calm down.
*pokes Delphi with a fork*
Happy Father's day, you screwball.

This was supposed to be a new beginning
What the hell happened?

I'm honestly not sure if I want this entry public...
I'm more scared of people seeing my mind when it's unhinged
Coincidentally
My mind happens to be unhinged right now.

But Selph is right here next to me
As usual
He's trying to act and look okay
And says he is
But I know him too well.
I know what happened earlier.
Right, darling?

And Chaos is still sobbing.
I wish I didn't have to put him through this.
But is it my fault?
Yes.
This is entirely of my own doing.
And I should be the one protecting him
And he should be the one comforting me
Or is it the other way around?

Dear God, how did I get myself into this?

Jewel Lightraye is still afraid to say stuff.
To whom?
To everyone.
Name a name and bingo, you've got it down
I'm afraid to say these things to anyone
Or am I?
Yes I am
It's just that sometimes I ignore the fear
Or pretend it's better this way
And maybe it is
But Vezerai isn't getting any saner
And there are still monsters in my closet
And loopholes under my pillow
And cracks in my heart

What is love?

Not the song
Not the fad
Not anything you would think.
And why?
Because nobody freaking knows.
Nobody knows what it is, really
I think it's better that way
I like when you can't explain things once in a while
Scary but nice
Like the Jewel Monster of Truth
How fitting is that?

Guardian angel
God of destruction
Somebody that I love
Why the heck do I always bring him up
Is that a problem?
No
But I guess it's just odd
For others, you know
And it eats at the back of my mind
So I tend to talk about him a lot
To explain things
To justify things.
You love him to death, damn it.
That is true.
You would die for that monster.
I'd die for anyone.
Would you?
Yes.
Martyr. Hypocrite. Liar.
I am not.
Really.
Of course.
Would you die for a mass murderer?
Mmmmmyes. He still has some good in him somewhere. Maybe he'll realize it. There's hope.
You hesitated, you sophist.
I'm human. I'm not perfect.
You calling Qlok a liar?
No. I'm just saying he doesn't know the whole truth here.
So you don't believe him?
Not... not entirely. I see where he gets the point. I try to live life in a way that would emulate an ideal, a perfect lifestyle. But I screw up a lot, and sometimes my mind just loses it and I'm totally disconnected.
Robot.
Ima Robot.
Monument to the Masses.
Are we speaking in titles or metaphors?
Whatever the hell you want to interpret it as.
Oh. All right. I only have 5 minutes and then I have to sleep.
Three.
Two.
Whatever.
Why are you so angry today?
Gee, I don't know. I'm just a figment.
Stop it with the sarcasm, please. I don't like sarcasm.
You don't like very bloody much, do you Jewel?
You know that's not true.
Do I now?
Yes.
Tell me.
You know it's impossible for me to hate. It's against my nature.
Is it, miss SACRiFiCE?
Why do you keep asking me?
Well, maybe I'll hit a snag. Maybe I'll catch you reciting an automatic delusion that you've accepted as true. Then you'll be caught, you sonofabitch.
Stop swearing, for heaven's sakes! Why are you so freaking angry tonight?
I'm furious because you keep lying.
Wait-- lying? I don't lie unless I'm unaware of the truth.
See, there's another problem! You and your dear little muse, you're always preaching "Know thyself!" "Know thyself!!" and do you ever? Arrogant charlatan. You don't know a thing about yourself. You're a pompous hypocrite and you're keeping Qlok deluded on purpose.
Wait wait wait. What?
Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all, Isn't that what your friend Justice sings? You know I'm right.
I... you're right. I'm at a total loss. I'm really not sure of me, other than the fact that I'm Jewel Lightraye.
Is that a fact?
Yes. I'm out of my mind, that's normal. I always was. I guess people just thought 'Jessica' was saner than I am or something.
She was a devil and she was worse than you are.
Stop with the insults, Laurie. Right now.
It's 3:06 AM, you liar.
...Oh. You're right. But I still want to know why you said what you said earlier.
What?
About my alleged "deluding Qlok on purpose."
Oh you know that's what you're doing! You don't pick favorites, damn it. You don't love anyone more or less. That's where all your bloody guilt trips come from, you idiot! You picked five people to get something really special, so you say, and what do you do when they start doubting it? When it all comes down to "honey, either you pick me or I'm outta here?" What the hell are you going to do when they start doubting you? Huh? You don't play favorites, you disconnected jerk! Get a freaking head on your shoulders! Can't you see a thing when you look in a mirror? Huh? Ever since Natalie died you've been seriously screwed up, girl! Who's next? Me or Julie? Who'll be the next one on your shitlist? Who's head is going to roll first? Kill us both, go right the hell ahead! You remember Ardon and Isabelle, how she refused to accept her shadow because she didn't want that darkness becoming a real part of her? Well, damn it, I'm that darkness! You want to be me? Fine! You want to be Julie? Go right ahead! You kill us like you did the other three and we're going to go straight into that bloody head of yours and we are going to seriously screw up some shit. You're not going to be Jewel Lightraye anymore. Jewel Lightraye doesn't HAVE a damn shadow, you idiot!! Open your eyes!!
...Wow.
Wow what? You shocked? Didn't think the axe-girl had that much talk in her, eh? Well think again, girl. I'm not going to let this go anymore when both my life and yours are on the line. I still care, shadow bitch or not. I still have a responsibility.
And what is that?
To keep you from becoming me.
Ah...
You gonna get some sleep now?
Um... oh geez, yeah. It's 3:18 in the morning.
What're you gonna do if you find Bruce?
Uh... say hello, I guess, and talk to him for a bit about the iMAGNi and stuff. And give him a crazy superfan hug if he'll let me. Because I'm a spaz like that.
Yes you are. Now go to bed.
All right. Good night, Laurie.
Oh, no no no, girl. I'm staying up and I'm fighting with Julie.
Please do it somewhere where I can't hear, all right?
Course I will. I have to. Julie's in severe suppression right now. You just might annihilate her if you keep this up.
Eh, I don't think so. I'm still a freaking human, which means she's going to live no matter what we do.
And me?
Geez, Laur, I like you too much to get rid of you.
Awww. How sweet. Now get to freakin' bed.
Will do.

1 in the morning. Saturday morning.
Should I write? Should I sleep?
The words hurt so much.
But I can't let them go unsaid.
Not after so much has finally been admitted.

Well then... here goes nothing.

Tuesday morning. April the 1st.
No, darling, not at 12:10 AM. That was an entire reality in itself.
Try a little closer to 6:30 AM, okay?
The past six hours had echoed nothing but love in my mind.
And then guilt hit like a bomb.

I remember the shock, the despair, the hurt.
It would be an entire week without you around in that sense...
...now, with this eating at me!
I didn't know why I felt like that at first.
But then I remembered.

Him? Not me?
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised...

...Oh no. Not now.
Please.
Not that pain again.

But it hurts.
It hurts so much.
And it shouldn't...

You think so?
Did you honestly think you could have read all of that
Seen all of that
Heard all of that
Without any pain?
Even a little?
No.
It hurt.
It hurt like crazy, didn't you say that too?
And I'm the one at fault.
Because I couldn't help but love that broken soul a little too.
...Geez, who am I kidding?
'A little.'
Like I've ever loved somebody just a little.

You know me.
How many times have you said that?
It's so true.
Sometimes you understand me so much better than I understand myself.
Pretty amazing, huh?

But I didn't doubt you, not even for a second.
You're my Animus, after all.

Follow your own path.
Don't move until you've got it. What was I thinking?

What was I thinking?
I had it, I had it for so long... for five entire months.
And it still took me an eternity to move.
Why did I have to wait so long...?

Something's very wrong here.
Tears,
sniffles,
stupid,
where is mine when I need him?
Oh, there you are.

"I just forgot my fears and said what I needed to say..."
Wasn't I thinking?
Both of those times?
Yes... I was thinking, wasn't I?
Far too much.

I was thinking about the pain.
About how much I still had to heal.
About how much I still had to apologize.
About how much I still needed to tell you
To reassure you
To let you know
That I never loved you any less.

Oh, I won't tell you not to cry.
I remember what happened the last time I did that.
Besides...
How could I say that when I'm doing the same?

I'm no misanthrope... no, I'm the polar opposite.
The only problem with that is... well.
That I love everyone in some way.

I remember the one night at work.
A middle-aged guy, checking out at my register.
Almost 10PM. Closing time, dear.
Buying a TV dinner and not much else.
Just a regular Joe, right?
Right.
That's what hurt me so much.
My empathy... oh, you know how it feels.
In that single moment...
This man, already so far into life, already with so little left...

Heading home, late at night.
Lonely, quiet, dark.
Nothing to look forward to but a mediocre evening
Like so many other mediocre evenings
A simple, day-to-day future
Not much to look forward to
Looking for something to hope for
And memories of the past.
It was all I could to to keep from crying.
Dear God, it hits me so hard sometimes...
But You know why I have this.
You know why you gave me this bizarre blessing, and I thank You for it.
Despite all the pain.
Despite all the regret.
Despite all the times I could have done better.
Despite all the times I had no opportunity to help.
Despite all the times I cried
Despite all the times I prayed
For a chance to get it right...
For a chance to change it all
For the better.

But the point is
I can't help but love every soul that every existed
In one way or another

Even though there are five of you
That get something truly different from me
That I give the deepest part of me
You said it yourself.

What I give to you all
No more and no less
No favoritism
No special cases
You all get to experience
What I have so much of
The truest form of love.
I won't ever forget a single one of you

But I feel so guilty sometimes
For being so willing
To give that emotion
To so many of you.

Tears.
Sniffles.
Stupid.
How many times have I done the same?
How many nights have I sat there, in silence, after you left
Stood alone against the walls outside my room
Not wanting to sleep
Not able to sleep
Drowning in this misery
Where does it come from?

I can't,
I can't say anything.
Too painful right now.
Give me a minute.
If I did I'd cry.
Okay, maybe not, but it would hurt like crazy.
Not like it doesn't anyway, sometimes.

I've been wondering, recently, why it's so freaking hard for me to cry sometimes.
Today I finally discovered the reason.
Because I keep that pain inside
Trying to deal with it
Trying to make sense of it
So it doesn't explode
Because I'm still afraid of hurting you all
Even though my reasons are different now
You don't want me holding it in anymore
So I don't
I let you all see this pain inside
Every last fragment of me
But there's already so much of it in my heart
That when something hits when I'm not looking
When something hits me that I don't expect
When something comes out of nowhere and I'm not thinking
I shatter into a trillion pieces.

And it hurts so much.
And it hurts you all so much.

I'm still so scared of this cutting into you all.
Even though you say it's okay.

Picking the glass up from the crystal floor...

The pain disappeared for the first time in my life
Monday night.
Tuesday morning, if you will.
I can't explain how that made me feel... can I?
Absolute peace of mind, really.

I was perfectly happy
In that moment

I felt like I was worth something
In those few seconds
I could barely comprehend it
When you said those words right back to me
(You actually said them back)
Even though you were crying your heart out.

If I hadn't been so high above the stars
If I hadn't felt that maybe I had done something right for once
If I had given that second emotion a little more freedom

The silent tears
The sad smile

If I had just let myself go
I would have burst into sobs as well

But I was thinking too much.

The tears have hit since then, though.
For many reasons.
And all connected to that breaking point
That eternal moment.
Thought you should know.

"Thank you."
That had been my whispered reply, remember?
I've been wondering... what did you think?
What was your reaction, that the only thing I could say in response to those beautiful words
was "thank you"?

Maybe I simply sounded how I felt.

Shocked.
Sad.
So thankful.

Sure, I love the world. That's my nature. That's who I am.
But...
I had never expected the world to love me back.
I had never even considered the possibility.

And then you came along.

What else was I supposed to say?
I put everything I had ever felt into those five words...

...Thank you.

I should be happy.
Happiness spreads.
The one follows the other.
But then, time has passed.
Maybe things are different.
Doubt it, though.
Boy do I feel stupid now.
Jump to the most selfish possible conclusion.
Skip over all the sensible parts.

You asked me if I lived inside your mind
Because I knew your thoughts so well.

I should have asked you the same thing
Instead of simply smiling again
Hurting again
Hesitating.

I should be happy too...
But I am happy
I'm perfectly happy for once

And yet, this paradoxical soul of mine...!
I'm the happiest I've ever been
And I've never felt so guilty before.
But I'm skipping to the most selfish possible conclusion again

This is about you.
This is about you, and what I've done to you
Even though it was the last thing I would ever want you to feel.

I am so sorry.
Please... forgive me.

Jealousy.

There's only one reason you would have felt it
I realized that too
In that moment I knew for sure
Just like you did
And it tore my heart in two.
I love you so much.
For everything.
For who you are.
For what you've been to me.

My Animus.

And you said it back... you actually...

Ha, you're nuts. That's it.
But then, so am I.
So's everyone.
Crazy, that is.
You find me someone that isn't.

Sanity is just another form of madness, you said... something like that.
Well, then...

If living like I am
If sacrificing myself for these souls
If loving the loveless
If being Jewel Lightraye
Makes me the craziest person on this entire freaking planet
Then hey
I'll be that person.
No questions asked.
We're all crazy in some way, yes.
It keeps us all sane.
An amusing paradox, sure, but true.
You and I are pretty crazy
In the eyes of the world.
But I'm willing to put up with that
If it means we can keep this
Every last moment
Just the way it is
And always has been.
I'm willing to put up with that.
Will you still walk with me?

...

I asked you something else once, remember.
I had felt so sad... so scared... so small.

"Are you angry with me?"

And then your voice...
"No."

But... how you said that simple word...!

I'm sorry.
I probably sound so silly right now.
Like a little kid.
Timid and frightened and scared to death
At the thought of losing what bright lights I have found.
Is that so wrong?
To hold on to these hope-lights
These beautiful, brilliant stars
Yellow
Orange
Red
Pink
Jade
Amber.
Is it so wrong?

To be so deathly afraid of losing a blessing such as this?

Someone who actually loves me back?

As cruelly hard as that is for me to comprehend?

You know it's impossible for me to be angry with you.
No matter what happens
No matter what you say
No matter what you feel
Because I know you

And you know me

There is no way in heaven
Or anywhere else
That I could make my heart feel that way.
It feels so wrong.

How could I be angry with someone that I...

Exhale, inhale, pray. Respiratory cycle, simple enough.
With every moment, something else, a new sensation.
Rarely pleasant, since bad news comes in spades.
Good news takes some work.
Maybe I could try that road again,
see if it leads anywhere this time.
But that probably wouldn't be very appreciated.

Life's just a road... isn't that what you told me?
On that day, you had thought that I'd never return...
What am I doing now, singing? Geez...
Whistling through the graveyard, you know.
Or past the maternity ward, if you rather.
Even though none of those kids will ever be mine
They're still such beautiful little souls
Full of promise, right?
And I'm protecting them too.
New life, new chances, new possibilities, new roads, new lights, new words.
Old pains, old regrets, old mistakes, old fears, old shadows, old tears, old misunderstandings.
Where am I now, do you think? Whistling?
I honestly have no idea...
Right now I feel like I'm sitting in the rain
In the middle of New York City
Typing this with a sad smile
And hoping you're having a good time
Wherever you are at the moment.
We're actually in the same time zone right now
Isn't that awesome?
Really makes me smile, thinking about it.

Even so...
I have to keep breathing
Keep praying
Keep hoping that I can see us to the end of this road

Because it's always been headed in the right direction
We only stumbled a couple of times.
But we haven't lost anything
And we're a lot closer to that light then we were back then.
Even though it was only February.

New sensations of pain
Heavens above, how many different ways can I feel this?
I'm working hard for that good news
Hopefully this will be it
Even though it's not the brightest of things
I'm just trying so hard
To heal this
To heal you.

But you're the Paladin
You're the healer
You're the one who can heal these tired souls
These broken hearts
These bloodied dreamers.

I'm just a strange sort of Gaia
Going against the original plan
I sacrifice myself to save the lives I protect
They're not mine
They're not mine at all

But I've dedicated myself to watching over them
No matter the cost to myself
Because I've been through a lot
I can easily handle a lot more
For their sake.

I'm more of a hope bringer, shall we say...?

C'mon,you are like one.
A candle in the dark to the lost souls...
Always warm...
Something comforting...
Almost like a mother...Yet too playful to be one...
Just like a fire, a flame in a lantern...
Glowing in the dark and beckoning to the lost out there in the perishing dark.

That's what I've been told...

But can I heal the healer himself?
Or am I the one who needs that?
I honestly don't know anymore

Selfish children
Greedy little children
Took her loving
And gave her nothing in return
Like invaders
Everything is slash and burn.

There's a song I heard a long time ago...

No one hears when Gaia cries
No one cares to wonder why
Can't they see the tears in Gaia's eyes?

Or at least that's how it used to go
Before a Paladin stepped onto the battlefield.

Count up every face and every race
That we will never see
Count the human ape, we can't escape

The tears are for you and me...

Will I ever be able to stop crying?...

I guess I'll hold my peace for now.
Figure THAT one out, if you can.
Or don't. I've just lost it, that's all.

...
I've been trying so hard to figure it out.

And I can't yet.

I wish I could...
But one thing's for sure
I've been holding my peace for far too long
So now
I'm finally saying everything
And hoping you won't take it the wrong way.
I can't feel malice.
I can't feel spite.
I just feel guilty
And sad
And regretful
And wish that I had never inflicted that upon you.

What did you lose?
Was it worth losing?
Are you glad it's gone?

Or are you desperately hoping
More than anything
That you could just have it back?
That you could just find it again?

Which is it, love?

I'm feeling so desperate
Is there anything
Anything at all
That I can do to help?

Geez, how many times have I asked that one?...
But hey.
You've asked the same question countless times.

We both want to help each other more than anything
But it's terribly ironic
Because how are we supposed to change anything
If we don't even know what we're supposed to change?
If we can't even change ourselves?
Even though we're trying so hard.

But... have we?
Have we finally turned this around?

I think perhaps we have.
At least I hope so.

...Why does this still hurt so much?
I guess it's because I don't know how it all ended.
I don't know if it even ended in the first place.
You were saying something about it Monday night... oh how I wish I could remember it all.
How I wish I could hear it again, just to know everything, just so I could fix everything.
I can't believe how terribly guilty I feel.
Even when I told myself there was nothing to worry about.
But how am I supposed to believe that
When you said those painful words
Even if it was over a month ago?

Maybe I really am worrying myself sick over nothing.
And yet... I just can't leave it alone.
Not until I know you're all right.
Not until I know every last spark of pain is completely gone.

I'm so stupid sometimes.
I can be such a fool.

But you said something else as well, you remember...

Fools in love
are the most beautiful thing that can ever exist.
And I think
that there's a chance
that love makes up for all of it in the end.

There's no chance, sweetheart.
There's a guarantee.
Fate
Divine providence
Synchronicity
Something amazing has been looking out for us so far.
And I have absolute faith
That it will continue to watch over us.
Library angels, you know.
Divine messengers of coincidence.
Or a lack thereof.

This is what we have.
You'll never have any less from me
But you'll sure find you have a lot more
Than either of us originally realized.

Sure, we're crazy.
Sure, we're going through a lot.
Of course we're hurting inside.
Of course we're still walking down this road.
Of course we rely on each other this much.

Just like everyone.

But you're my Animus
And I'm your Anima

And that's something only we have.

See you on Monday, all right?

-spinningcannon

Five months we waited
Hoped
Prayed for that moment

And when we found ourselves there
We were scared to death.

"How am I supposed to say this?"
Thinking so far back

                                     Every word
                                        Every thought
                                           Every second
                                                 Until right now.

You were right... it makes it so much harder. And yet

Because all I could think about                                                                                            Every moment
Were all of the other moments                                                                                             Every laugh
When I had been dying to say                                                                                             Every tear
                   these very words                                                                                             Every hope
And I had been too scared.                                                                                                Every fear
                                                                                                                                          Every silence
                                                                                                                                          Every heartbeat
                                                                                                                                          Was worth it.

Five minutes...
              two...
                  one...                                                                     &nbs p;        My hands are shaking
                                 ...time's up.                                                                  So are yours.

Take a deep breath and say it, Jewel... God, give me the courage to tell him...!

ORANGE                                                                           A crystal heart
RED                                                                                               Just like my own
Maybe even SAPPHiRE                                                                                                Made of glass.

I was so scared.

But why?

"If you don't say it, you're going to regret it."

I would have regretted that for the rest of my life.

If you were looking for that opportune moment...
...This is it.

And I refused to lose it.

Forget all my fears...
all my worries...

"What matters is what I have right here."
My hand held tightly against my heart.

Those painful silences...
I tried so hard to say those words                                                                       "Selph, how did you do it?"
To say the absolute truth
To say everything                                                                                                        "I just forgot my fears
But I could barely even breathe                                                                     and said what I wanted to say."
So how was I supposed to speak?

"...All right.
...But I had to. If you can do it, I can do it..."
I couldn't make us wait any longer.

Not when we had finally reached the breaking point.

...You had cried.
I can't possibly explain how deeply that moved me.

                                                                  I was crying too
                                                                             Silently
                                                                                                          Because the past few seconds
                                                                                                                 Had taken all my emotions
                                                                                                                            And given them to you.

We've finally reached the stars.

"Why is it always so much easier in my head?"

                                                                                                                       Simple.
                                                                                        Because you're not right there
                                                                                                       Not at that moment
                                                                                   &n bsp;   And I'm not trying desperately
                                                              To express the deepest emotion that I'm feeling.

To give words to what's in my heart.

                                                                             Please...
                                                                       Don't feel jealous...
                                                                        Don't feel guilty...
                                                                        Don't feel afraid.

Because, after all...
...We finally know the answer to the riddle.

...If you want God's honest truth...

...If you want to know everything...

...Then I'll tell you everything.

Q-Lok... my Animus.

I love you.

-spinningcannon

Tears and breaking hearts, you said...

I don't like weekends. One bit.
There's always too many things to do, too many things to worry about, too many things to strike me down, rip me up, drive me to tears.

Yesterday was a living hell.
The morning was lovely, though... if only for an hour. Selph and I singing together without a care in the world. For a little while I forgot it was a Sunday.
Then I got home, and the nightmares broke loose.
As usual.
Mom was home. I love my mother, of course, but this world has made her heart terribly hard and it really hurts me to see that.
Not to mention the fact that it hurts even worse when she and my other family members take their frustrations out on me.

Careless words hurt more than anything...

"You only care about yourself."
"Why do you hate me so much?"
"You're always so selfish!"
"You're absolutely worthless."

My poor naive heart believes them.
And then the darkness in my mind makes me pay for it in full.
Yesterday evening...
Why do I hurt myself so much? Why? Don't I ever realize how much that hurts those who care about me?
...
...No... not when I'm doing that to myself. Because then, the only thought in my mind is how worthless I am, how I don't deserve those people, how they shouldn't have to put up with me, how selfish and stupid and heartless and cruel I am.

But last night I exploded.

It hasn't been this bad in a long, long time.
Maybe it's because I'm so freaking worried about Viral, LUA, Q, Jim, Ben, Shaman, Mel and everyone else out there that I love... everyone's going through such hard times.
But I'll be a light for them if they need me. I'll help them through. I'll stand beside them in their darkest times... I won't abandon them when the world decides it has better things to do.
I'll do that for anybody... everybody. Because the world means the world to me.
So why can't I offer the same helping hand to myself?
I'll tell you why.
It's simple.

Because I am me.
I have my own self-control, my own will, my own emotions. I'm fully responsible for everything I do. I'm a slave to no id. If I make a mistake it's my own freaking fault.
I know how horribly it hurts to feel like a failure, to screw up even when you're trying your hardest, to feel utterly alone and helpless and worthless.
So my heart goes out to everyone else.
I don't want anyone else to suffer like this.

I'm like a living sacrificial doll. Not much to look at, no, and rarely does anyone give me a second glance, but I'm willing to die for the salvation of those I watch over, whether or not they know it.
If I could honestly save someone's life like that... if I could honestly give someone an undying light of hope, if I could turn someone's future around for the better, if I could enlighten a soul so it could live peacefully...
I'd give my life. Hands down, no questions asked.
I'll die for anyone who needs me.

...Geez what a somber subject.
But regardless! I would!
It's kind of uncanny, kind of scary... since I was a little kid I've always wanted to be a martyr or something close to it. A terrifying thought, yes. I can't think of any martyrs who went down in fluff and sparkles. Blood and steel is more like it. Bullets, blades, bombs. And all for the greater good.
I don't know... it's just my nature. That's who I am... I want to live and die like that. I want to make a freaking huge impact on this world both while I'm here and when I'm leaving.. for the better.
I'm trying very hard right now. And like I always say, God help me if I ever give up. I don't ever plan to.

But yes. Back to Sunday night.
That previous rant entered my mind bright and clear last night, like a flashbulb in a dungeon. It scared me a little bit, wondering what life could possibly have in store for me as a result... but more than anything, it triggered an epiphany.

In that terribly low moment of self-loathing and emptiness, I could suddenly see everything... who I really was, what I was really doing, what I needed to do, what I have already done, everything... it was insane.
In that moment, I made a solemn, tear-choked, fiery promise to both myself and the world that I am NOT going to let the evil in this reality get to me. I am NOT going to give up or give in. I am NOT going to lose sight of the big picture, the dream I'm chasing... not for a moment.
That promise was bright, so bright, in my mind today... so brilliantly strong and clear. I'm still nowhere near who I want to be, but I'm still trying.

Dear heavens and Skype won't connect. Nasty computer! Gonna have to restart real quick...
Regardless.
In a sense, I'm 'starting over.' I finally know myself a little better and I'm going to try and live with that always in mind.
I promise you I'll do my best.

Have a good night, kids.

I'm not messing around with this.
It's late. I'm tired, sick, and shattered inside. It's not nice.
I'm going to say what I came here to say, red and raw, and that's it.
I need to get this off my chest somehow.
Violin lessons today. Wednesday. The day my teachers love to swamp the kids with homework.
6PM, finishing my lab report. Computer keeps crashing. Brothers all outside waiting to go. I'm trying to grab all my work so I can work on it over the next three hours.
My grandmother's in an irate mood. Got a terrible phone call earlier today. More family and financial problems to worry about now, the both of us. I love the woman, but when she's angry she explodes at me.
I'm distressed and exhausted. I'd rather stay home and work but I don't want to be thought of as irresponsible or a slacker. I was distracted and I said something stupid by mistake.
"I always get so much work on Wednesdays and I can never get it done on time. I hate this."
Bad move.
I can only hope to God my grandmother replied by mistake as well.

"Oh, you hate everything. I don't think there's a single thing you like."

I snapped.

"Don't you DARE accuse me of that!!"

Tears. I was sobbing and angry, the most excruciating pain imaginable eating at my heart.
I wasn't angry at my dear grandmother, heavens no.
I was angry at the words.

I am NOT a hateful person.

God only knows how hard I try to be a good person. I work myself to tears almost every day solely for the sake of everyone else. I'm more than willing to sacrifice myself for my fellow man.
And then I'm told I'm hateful...?
Maybe "angry" isn't the right word.
Maybe "absolutely crushed" would fit better.

I'm incapable of hating people. Please, PLEASE don't accuse me if you don't know the truth. For heaven's sake please don't.
Anyway I was dying inside but I still got in the car and off we went to violin lessons, oh joy.
Or not.
Unfortunately I was aching inside.
Unfortunately I was sick of the vice in this world.
Unfortunately I was tired.
Unfortunately I was slipping off the edge of sanity.

Unfortunately Julie decided to show up.

Julie Julie Julie. My very first headvoice. My evil id, if you like. The mental embodiment of all things vicious and feminine that I have willingly and thankfully disowned.
The blond teen with pigtails who loves nothing more than to torment me about my nature.
Sure I love everybody.
But Julie only knows how to lust.
And then she tries to break me down with lies.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Don't you DARE accuse me of those things. I would NEVER, not even for the freaking world.
Neither would they. And I swear if you try and tell lies like that about them again, I'll send Laurie after you.
Chaos would rather die than do something like that.
Selph is the most innocent soul I have ever met.
Leave us the heck alone. You know what the truth is, so accept it. Don't go trying to corrupt me because God willing I'm never going to change, ever. PLUS I've taken a freaking vow. If you think I'm going to break that, you're insane.

Seriously, Julie. LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE.
I have better things to do with my lapses of reality than fall victim to your malicious manipulations.
You've been doing this to me since I was a kid and you've always been vicious enough to attack when I was at my lowest point. Crush me into the dirt AND screw up my mind, huh? Well I won't have it.
Bottom line, Julie... you've gone too far.
There are lines that should never be crossed and you're trampling all over them.
I'll give you another chance, undoubtedly. Please, try and get over your addiction. And please don't throw it at me when it's the second-to-last thing I want... and practically in league with the first.

See, now this is why I'm so uneasy and panicky around people, especially when friendships/relationships are involved.
You've tortured me long enough, Julie. Leave us alone. Just accept the fact that I'm asexual and get over it.
...
Enough of that. I'm getting sick again.

...I was thinking, earlier today...
Remember that one song that came out a few years ago? You know, "where is the love?"
Well... where the fish is it, Planet Earth?
For heaven's sakes, there's so much vice in the world today...!
Hatred. Apathy. Prejudice. Igorance. Anger. Oppression. Betrayal. Spite. Mercilessness. Envy. Lust. Pride. Greed. Gluttony. Laziness. Dishonesty. Arrogance. Megalomania. Disrespect. Selfishness. Ingratitude. Impatience. Distrust. Duality. Negligence. Carelessness.
And so many others...
...Why?
For heaven's sake, we're a civilized, moral race, aren't we? Don't we have self-control? Don't we know how to love our fellow man?
Well... then why do so many of us act like none of that is true?

It's disgusting. It's heartbreaking. It's absolutely terrible.
I'm the only person in my family that still loves my father. I'm one of the few in my school community that doesn't hate the bishop for making authoritative mistakes. I'm one of the rare souls who readily shows mercy and gives second chances... who doesn't show prejudice and tries her hardest never to judge.
Why? Why does it seem so few of us do?
I know we all have the potential. Every soul upon this planet has some good inside it. No exceptions.
And yet people ignore it. Say it's folly. Live for temporal pleasures. Don't give a second thought to how they're affecting others.
Others are too scared to show it. They hide their guilt, smother their conscience. Live by the word of the crowd, just swimming along in the direction that the media tells them to.
For heavens sakes we're HUMAN.
LIVE LIKE IT FOR ONCE.

It's cruelly ironic how I know monsters with more humanity than some humans in this world.
It breaks my heart.

I'm going to keep trying... I'm going to keep working at this and I swear that if it's the last thing I literally do, I am going to make a difference in this world or so help me I'll die trying.
That's why I'm so willing to sacrifice myself.
There's so many lost people in this world... I have to help somehow, no matter the cost to me.
I can't stand to see a single soul suffer. If I can do something... anything... I'll do it. I'll do it or I'll die.
That's my way of life.
I'm loving the loveless.

But it hurts so freaking much sometimes.

Silence.

Well, almost.

For a moment there, it truly was.

Deafening.

Crushing.

Heartbreaking.

Your final words, shattering something inside of me.

Then nothing.

Nothing at all.

I buried my face in my hands and I cried.

No, that's not very accurate...

...I was sobbing my freaking heart out.

I wish I didn't have to say so. I wish I didn't have to admit it, to spare you the anxiety, the worry.

But you did the same for me.

The least I could do is say it right back.

Riddle me this.

I honestly thought I had forgotten how to cry.

I was dead inside... and you realized that. I was empty, drained, lost.

It really hurt you that much?

...Even though I knew it would happen, it still surprises me. It still moves me.

You tell me so many times that I deserve this, that I deserve to be cared about and worried about.

I do the same for everyone else, after all.

But now... I'm actually starting to accept that.

We'll get out of this trap, this painful circle. I know we will.

There must be a solution somewhere,
but I'm starting to think that I can't find it.
That maybe I'm not the one that's supposed to solve it.

Don't think this is your fault. Don't think you're not helping.

It's cruelly simple, really... I have to find the strength to do this myself, too.

Sure you're helping. Sure I look up to you.

Without a doubt, I would never have gotten this far without you.

But...

Now I think I have to try and walk a little bit farther by myself.

Not that I'm chasing you away, of course not! I could never do that to you.

But here, in the interim...

I'm making an effort to fix this mess too.

I hope the pain has somewhat subsided for you.

It's funny how it never really goes away.

Even today.

Such a beautiful day.

There's still an awful ache in my heart.

Been there since Saturday night.

I had buried my face in my hands and sobbed until my strength was gone.

Swallowed alive by pain of the worst kind...

...But it could not kill this hope.

There's always hope. Always.

It's a good thing we haven't lost sight of it, ever!

Despite the stress and worry and pain there's always something to look forward to.

And then I look back.

Did I really tell you not to cry?

Did I really say that?

I guess it didn't sound the way I wanted.

You can cry if you need to. I know how it feels.

I have no right to forbid that... especially not under the circumstances.

It does hurt me terribly to know I'm giving you this same sort of pain, albeit unintentionally.

But then I quickly remember why you're even feeling this.

The pain comes right back... and yet I smile.

How could I not?

I have someone who cares about me.

The pain is mutual.

But so is something else.

I'm really going to try from now on... try and get myself in order.

I can't stand the fact that I'm worrying everyone.

I don't want to kill myself when there's so much I can do for this world yet.

No, I don't want to die at all... in any sense.

I have far too many reasons to live.

Which is truly a wonderful feeling.

So promise me you won't blame yourself.

There's no blame here, none at all.

Don't worry about me if you need to cry.

I feel I have to say that... I feel I have to reassure you that everything's all right over here.

But is it, truly?

Yes.

I have this.

As long as I have this to hold on to, no amount of stress, no amount of pain, no amount of worry or anxiety or loneliness can destroy me.

I'll make it through. I always have.

That's life, you know.

But life is full of beautiful things, too.

You can't forget that either.

I'm still feeling kind of funny... kind of lost...

The pain still hasn't subsided.

I don't mind this time around, though.

I'm not lost. I just forgot the directions, momentarily.

And even the good things in life hurt sometimes.

Life is indeed a funny little thing.

Spinning around in circles...

I think I'm slowing down.

I won't let that cannon turn back on me this time.

I've got to be careful, for everyone's sake!

And for my own, too.

As odd as that sounds right now.

There was a moment of silence before it was really true.

I held back a sob, just barely. Maybe you heard.

There was a single, silent moment before I was left alone in the dark.

Riddle me this, Anima...

...What is love?

A moment of shock, of surprise.

Something shattered

I couldn't hold the tears back any longer

And there was only one thought in my mind

As the pain tripled.

It's what we have.

Then the silence fell

And I cried.

Don't.

Do NOT cry for me.

Not now. Please.

It's all I can think about and I swear my heart is breaking. I swear it is. I can feel it.

Literally.

There's so much pain right now. My heart aches so freaking much... and it's not even for me.

God help me, it's not even for me.

Why won't the tears come?

Have I locked them away?

Am I afraid of how others will feel when they see them?

I can't lock away my emotions!!! I can't!!!!!!

They're me they're what I am, for heaven's sakes dear God have mercy on me they're all I have.

It hurts so much.

And yet the last of my worries is me.

---------------(@1:30)----------------

The pain's just about tripled

But apparently

I can still cry.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (SPINNY)

Well, you’ve done it again.
What? What have I done?
Everything. You’ve done everything, you bitch. You stupid freaking bitch.
Don’t talk to me like that—
I can talk to you however the hell I want. You know that.
…
What’s the matter now, crybaby? Finally realized what a jerk you’ve been? How selfish you’ve been acting? You’re a bloody jerk.
Please, Laurie. I’m trying to change, I really am.
Sure, you are, but what about that fat witch you’re letting control your body? Huh? What about her? She’s killing you, Jewel! You idiot, she’s killing you! Don’t you care?
I do care, Laurie. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Change your name. Change your face. Change your whole miserable life and start over. That’s the only choice you have left. Jessica has been living far too long.
I… I don’t want to kill anyone, though. It’s against my nature.
Of course it is. Just like falling in love with every damn person you meet. Just like the things you do with that blue monster of yours when you think nobody’s looking.
Oh, come on, Laurie! Why does everyone act like we do such terrible things?
Because you do.
No, we don’t. I have morals, he has morals. Neither of us would dare do the things you’re suggesting we’re doing, not for the world. Not for a single fishing moment.
You get pretty f*king close.
All right, now that’s going too far. I refuse to stand for that, Laurie, you know I—
Yeah, I know you’re asexual, Jewel. I also know you’re a shameless xenophile and you’ve been with that alien before.
Never in the way you're implying. Never.
You plan to?
For heaven’s sakes, Laurie, no! You’re acting just like Julie! I’ve been a celibate—a vowed celibate—since the second grade, and that’s common knowledge! My moral code absolutely forbids any and everything related to that, and you know that! We all know that! I know that better than anybody, and Chaos is a close second! Did you, for one instant, think that I would have the absolute idiocy, the absolute lack of soul, to break that solemn promise? Did you?
Heh. Not even for a moment.
Then why the fish are you—
I wanted to hear you defend it. I wanted to hear you actually be yourself, actually let your true heart shine through for what you believed in and fought for. Your morality. Your soul, Jewel. That’s what I wanted to hear. You sure as hell don't do it enough.
…Oh. I’m sorry. I should have realized…
No, you shouldn’t. When have I ever done that to you— actually provoked you to that point for such a purely benevolent reason? I’m usually the one chasing you with a bloody axe.
Yes, that is true. I’m still sorry, though.
Why?
Because I wasn’t thinking. Normally I would have realized the good in you anyway and I wouldn’t have exploded so blindly.
Blindly? Kid, you exploded because I pushed you to the brink and you refused to fall off. The fire burnt all the clouds from your eyes. You knew what you were saying.
…But I wish I hadn’t gotten so angry…
Aw, don’t worry about that. That’s you, pure you. And it’s righteous anger when you feel it. That’s not Jessica, that’s Jewel Lightraye. You stick to that.
I know, I know. And God knows I’m trying hard. I can’t let her eat what’s true to me on account of her own selfishness.
Exactly. And you know why that is, Jewel?
Why what is, Laurie?
Why you’ve always got to fight. Why nothing ever works out just right for you here. Why you’re so freaking estranged. Why you’re always so alone.
…Why, what’s the reason?
You’re not normal, Jewel.
What—
You’re not from here. That’s why you’re so bloody different from everyone else. Think about it—think about you, the real you inside, how you truly are—and find me someone here with the same outlook. The same sort of soul. You can’t do it. And you’ve known that since you were a kid. That’s why you’ve been living with monsters all your life. That’s why you love Chaos so freaking much. That’s why Selph is so insanely close to your heart. You feel closer to them than anyone else.
But… I’ve found all these amazing souls lately...
Exactly. You think they’re 100% “normal” in this awful earthly sense? No. Their souls are stronger than that as well. That’s why you’re all so alike. You’re all able to see through the filthy smog of this reality and up to something greater… something divine, even. Something otherworldly in any sense of the word.
Oh. Yes, that would work. I guess that is true.
Heh, listen to your muse, Jewel. You know it’s true. Don’t try to soft-shoe around it. Tell the truth as harshly and honestly as Selph does.
I want to. I really do. I’m just afraid of hurting… oh, you’re right. I’m not hurting them if I’m doing this for their utmost good, right?…
Right-o. That’s my boy.
Good. I was a little worried about that.
Don’t be! Like I said, look at your muse. Look at the Jewel Monsters. Look at God, for God’s sake. You’ve got role models out of this wretched world, and they’re who you should be looking up to above anyone here. All right?
All right. I believe you.
You’d better. I’m not your psycho superego for nothing, Jewel.
True, very true. No coincidences here.
There are never any coincidences in your life, Jewel. Never have been and never will be. You know that as well. Be truthful. Be straightforward.
Gosh, Laurie, you’re quite the motivator when you want to be.
We all are. Everyone who has ever cared for you is and has been. I’m just the most striking, because I’m not afraid of digging into your chest to find your heart. I’m not scared of blood.
…Well, you do a good job of it.
I do a fantastic job. Say it.
You do a fantastic job, Laurie. Geez. You do an insanely fantastic job, who am I kidding?
Surely not me, and not you, either.
Yeah, that’s true.
Selph knows it too. That’s why he lets you talk to me. Otherwise he’d be tearing my eyes out.
Oh, I don’t think he’d go that far. But he would be awfully protective if he thought you were hurting me in a negative way.
You think so? You don’t think he’d go that far for you?
I… you know, I’m really not sure. I’m not all too sure with that little guy. He’s full of surprises.
Kind of like the other morning, with Chaos, right?
Yeah, exactly. That was a shocker if I’ve ever heard one.
Not entirely. You knew he had it in him. You’ve known he’s felt that way for a while now.
True, true. He has. He does. I love him just as much.
Maybe more.
Hm?
I said, maybe more. I’ve seen what you have in you. That’s why I was bugging you so much about Chaos. I thought he was bad.
I’m not—
I never said you were. Not literally, anyway. Oh you know what I mean. But… you’re very devoted, Jewel. You’re terribly passionate.
In a good way, I hope.
Heck yeah. Like you said, you couldn’t be otherwise.
Well, that’s good to hear.
Sure is. And you keep at it, too. He needs you. They all need you. Everyone you’ve ever met and ever loved.
Which would in fact be every human being on the planet.
And every monster that God ever saw fit to breathe life into. You've got some severely funky friends, Jewel.
Yes, I do. But as you said, I do love them all dearly.
That you do. I won’t deny that.
You’re not going to tease me about it, either?
Hell no. That’s Chaos’s job.
Yeah, I guess it is.
Q-Lok, too?
Huh?
Q-Lok. Has he ever brought that point up with you?
What, my unnatural affectionate tendencies? No, why?
Because. You love him too, of course. It’s default.
Default and platonic, yes. It’s against my nature not to love someone. But it’s always a different kind of love. You know that.
Yes, I do. Which is why I’m asking.
I have a feeling we’re both thinking of totally different questions.
No, one and the same. You remember his last Impulse?
‘Course. Chaos was beating himself up about it all week. I was too. Can’t help but feel I started it. Caused it. Hurt him, somehow.
Did you ever think maybe you’re rubbing off on people?
All the time, love.
No, I mean in a deep way. A truly life-changing way.
Well, I’d like to think I am. That is my goal in life, after all.
Hmm.
What? What are you suggesting?
You remember that line you edited out on the bottom of Q’s Broken Mind sheet?
Yes, of course I do. And I blurred out the same point on Jimmy’s.
Well… why did you do it?
Because I wasn’t sure how they would take it. I’m still unsure if it's even true.
But don’t you think they already know about it?
…Maybe they do. I’d like to think that they do, if only a little bit.
I daresay you make it pretty freaking obvious sometimes.
Well, you remember what I said earlier. It’s my nature.
Yes, yes. But they don’t know that yet, do they?
Hmm…No, they don’t. You’re right. But I don’t know how to break it to them. I don't want them getting the wrong idea.
Give them a link to this damn thing. It’ll explain more than a little, hands-down. I daresay it doesn’t leave much to the imagination.
Maybe just a little bit.
Hah! Yeah. Oh, about that. You ever going to tell them about your situations with your boyfriends?
Don’t say “boyfriends,” please. It’s a very immature-sounding term.
Well, what would you rather?
They all have their own terms, actually. You know them, don’t you?
Mm… enlighten me.
Fine. Crazyhead.
Right back at you.
Heh. Anyway… Bakura’s my sweetheart, first off. Mostly because I met him at such a young age. Marik’s my Pharaoh for obvious reasons.
And I doubt he would ever let himself be otherwise.
Definitely not. Either way… the next two really go without saying.
Oh, but say them anyway. I want to hear them. So does everybody else.
Self-honesty method again?
Yep.
All right. Well… Chaos calls himself my soulmate.
Don’t you believe it?
Yes, actually… but that term’s so overused and I don't like using it.
Gonna invent another one, are you?
As soon as possible, dear. We’ll do it eventually. You know us.
God, do I ever.
Hey-- watch your mouth, all right?
Oh. That’s right. Sorry. But then why didn’t you yell at me for all the f-bombs earlier?
Because we were both in such vile moods.
Nah, not you. Just me. But I understand. Sorry.
Not a problem. But back on topic… Selph’s the last guy, of course, and he’s my muse.
That’s a closer position than you think, you know.
No, I know it. We’ve been through more than most together.
In a special sense, you mean.
Yeah. That’s true. Selph lives with me, so he sees me at my absolute worst along with my absolute best… even when I don’t want him to. Chaos comes darn close, but of course he can’t live with me, so that’s one strike against him in that department. But we’re still awfully close.
Physically, too.
Don’t you start that again.
I’m just teasin’ ya. Hey, you do know Selph’s planning on getting that far, relationship-wise?
Yes, I heard. Plus he kind of jumped in when my mind unhinged the other night.
Ah… the infamous lack of reality and sense. Crazy shit happens at night for you, huh?
What’d I just tell you?
Oh. My apologies. Mia culpa.
Apology accepted, hon. But yes. Crazy, crazy stuff.
Like what?
Well, like the thing you just said. My boys jumping into my mind when it’s not fully sane.
Is it ever?
Clever. But no, especially not on the brink of sleep. That’s when the infamous soul/body split starts, and things go a little crazy.
You go a lot crazy. And you go deep.
Quite deep. So deep I get lost in my mind and whoosh, say good-bye to sense and sanity.
And hello sensibility.
Indeed.
So… you going to talk to Q-Lok later?
Of course I am. It’s Monday night after all.
You going to bring up this point?
Oh, heavens no! That would be quite ignorant and selfish, y'know.
Geez, you’re always so freaking worried about being selfish.
Well, of course! I want to be the best I possibly can be, and it’s not good to be selfish. I should always put others first.
And pardon my French, but you’re doing a damn good job of it, Jewel.
Thanks, Laurie.
Anytime.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (SPINNY)

CHAOS ZERO

SELPH

I've been apologizing quite a lot recently.
And people aren't taking it too well.
Why?
Because I apologize for every fishing thing that goes wrong, whether it's my fault or not. Whether or not I can do anything about it, I still say I'm sorry, so terribly sorry, because if there's one thing I cannot live with it's seeing those I love hurting while I stand by, helplessly.
It's really the worst feeling in the world.
...No, scratch that. Second worst.
The worst feeling is when you know you're inflicting it upon someone else.

I remember the first time it really hit me, though. Back in 2004, I think... Yes. 2004. I knew Chaos back then. But...
I forget how it started. I forget what set it off, what I said that triggered the explosion... but it was Bakura who exploded, I think. (And even if it wasn't, he's reviewed this same point with me many times since then.)
As usual, I had apologized for something silly... something unavoidable or not even worth saying "sorry" for... and suddenly he wasn't going to hear me saying that anymore. He insisted, almost demanded, that I stop throwing the blame on myself for such things-- no matter how small, how seemingly insignificant, how accidental-- if I kept saying everything was my fault, just so I wouldn't harm someone else, then I would simply end up committing emotional suicide and causing more pain than otherwise for those I was protecting.
It was 100% true, and still is. And I promised him I'd try, I'd really try... and for quite a while, I did.
But then the habit sprang back into life. I don't even know how or when, but it did.
I think I was simply afraid of letting myself get cold-hearted.
Heh. Fat chance of that one ever happening, Jewel.
Even so... I honestly don't know what to do right now.
Maybe you should just try listening to us for once.
Oh... yeah. I--I've been trying, I really have. But you know my mind... better than I do myself, sometimes.
You kidding, Jewel? How in heaven's name am I supposed to understand you that well if you don't even understand yourself? I hate to say it, love, but even though we're insanely close, I'm still absolutely baffled by you sometimes, and I know you are as well. That's why Selphy over here is so freaking spazzed-out lately. You know how close he is to you... how close we all are... and what his life's purpose really is. That's the main reason it hurts for him.
Mm... "Know Thyself", right?
Darn right. And if I'm not mistaken, you've adopted that same frame of mind, right?
Yes, yes I have.
Then why aren't you trying harder, Jewel? Or are you, but it's not making any difference?
I-- I don't know. I am trying, but apparently it's nowhere near hard enough yet. But I am making a crazy effort.
I know you are, Jewel. Believe me, I know you are. I'm going through the same situation.
Chaos, how many times do I have to tell you, he's not you--
A-HA! You see? There's that self-ignorance again. Sweetheart, I believe you, I honestly do, but now you have to start doing the same thing for yourself. I... I've done some horrible things in the past, but-- wait, I'm not finished-- but that's the point. It wasn't me that did those things. It was some terrible, perverted side of my personality that shouldn't have even been there to begin with. Some awful demon of a side that dared to call itself "perfection." But... for years I believed he was me, although all evidence pointed to the contrary. I just believed that I was fully responsible for it... even moreso once I met you. I believed that I could control that, that I could keep it out of sight and away so I wouldn't hurt you or anyone else anymore. But of course... you know what happened.
How could I forget?...
Unfortunately. And I was nearly suicidal with self-hatred afterwards, you know that too. But you didn't give up on me: you kept telling me that this wasn't my fault-- I had done all I could do against him, and I had, but it didn't make any difference because there was nothing I could do. That thing... Perfect... he isn't me. So I'm not responsible. I just need to find a way to get him the heck out of me.
I know. I'm trying, dear. I really am. But I can't--
Hey, Jewel?
Yes?
You've got your priorities mixed up. Badly.
Priorities? What do you mean?
I mean that you keep putting me in front. You keep putting me, and Bakura, and Marik and Selph and Q and Jimmy and every other fishing person on this planet ahead of you, and then who ends up on the bottom? Jewel Lightraye. Well, that's not faring very well with me, and I sure hope it's not all fine and dandy for you, either.
...No. Not when I think of the consequences.
What, the pain it'll cause everyone else if you let yourself go like that?
Yeah.
...Geez... You know what, Jewel, you are way too freaking selfless.
I am not.
You are too. What'd I tell ya, I know you. You said the same thing yourself. And deep in your heart you know it, too. You're just too afraid... you have too little self-esteem to admit it right now. And that's not good.
I... you know what, I'm a fishing paradox. I feel absolutely worthless and I feel like I'm worth my weight in gold at the exact same time. I'm afraid of being selfish, and I'm afraid of being proud... but I'm also afraid of being ungrateful and ignorant. It fishing hurts. A lot.
I bet it does.
You're feeling the exact same thing, aren't you?
Yeah, I am. But I also know what I should be doing, and that is watching my ego while at the same time remembering that I'm worth the world to some people. Most importantly you. And you should be doing the same.
But, darling, I am. I honestly and sincerely am. I know how much worth people throw at me, tag onto me. I know how much some people look up to me, and how much others rely on me and place their trust and hopes in me. It's for them that I don't let myself die when I hit rock bottom. I get right back up, as fast as I can, and I keep on going, because I don't want to let them down. I try me absolute best to be a good person, and I'm actually starting to believe I've reached that ideal, if only to a small extent. I've been told I have. I really hope I have. But--
But you're still too afraid of jumping to allegedly "prideful" conclusions, huh?
...Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.
Can I say something? Please?
Sure, Selph. Go right ahead.
Good. I want to say this out loud, with everybody here. Jewel, I've told you this many times, and I'm telling you again today. You are a good person, one of the best I've ever met. Even if you make mistakes and get angry once in a while. Everybody makes mistakes, and you know that. But you try your best not to. The key is to not hate yourself and fall into a dark hole every time you mess up. You end up taking us all with you, you know. If for no other reason, if you can't find the... the motivation to follow any other point, like what Chaos said, then do this for me. Even if you find it hard to think of yourself as being so high up there on people's opinions. Do it for me. Okay?
Selph, darling, I already promised you that. You know that.
Yes, but I wanted to hear it again. Plus I wanted to ask you myself.
Oh. All right. Well, then I wholeheartedly agree to it. I'll do my best to keep that promise.
I know you will, Jewel. You always do. But... just one more thing.
What?
I want you to try harder, harder than you've ever tried before, to permanently fix your mindset so you really do accept what we're telling you and get a little more self-worth. You need that. Oh and I want to change my text color to orange.
All right, sweetheart. I'll do both of those things for you.
You promise me? Cross your heart?
Absolutely. Cross my heart and hope to die if I don't.
Well, I don't want you to do that part.
Geez, Selph!
What?
You're just so fishing candid. It's terribly funny.
Well hey, you are too. And don't you say you're not.
All right, all right. I won't. I'll be just as crazily candid as you and I won't deny it one bit.
Good. That's what I want. Jewel already does.
Yeah, that's true. Even if we have to bug it out of her sometimes. Right?
Yeah, you're right. Even though Laurie usually does that part.
Hey, speaking of, where is she?
Over here, watching you guys talk and laughing my face off.
You find us amusing, Laurie?
Damn straight I do.
Hey, hey hey. Watch your mouth around my lady.
Fine. Same to you.
I am. Can't yell at me for that.
And you say I'm funny!
What?
Geez, this is one big conversation.
Not yet, actually. There's approximately seven hundred more people we could drag in here if we wanted.
Oh, don't you dare, dear! They wouldn't fit even if we tried!
It would be pretty fishing funny, though.
Yeah, it would. Hey-- can we get back on topic, though?
Sure. No apologizing for things you can't affect, and start thinking of yourself a little better, right?
Yeah. That's it.
It's very important.
Yes it is.
But you're going to try?
Of course I am. I promised you.
Good. That's all I need to hear, then.
Geez, Selph, you're easy to please.
That's a good thing, right?
Yeah, definitely. And it's quite amusing.
I've been told that as well.
Figures.
Hey, Jewel?
Yeah, hon?
Who's color was this before me? The orange, I mean.
Oh. Uh... that's a good question. Some other headvoice of mine who I don't know yet. I've been calling her Lynne, but I really don't know. She's kind of like a nicer version of Julie, with a personality close to mine. She shows up every once in a while to keep people on track, but I don't see her much. Maybe she's just a disjointed fragment of me, and not even a headvoice at all. I deleted that entry though, sorry...
Huh. Well, that's odd.
I hope she doesn't bother you.
No, she's nice. All my headvoices are rather nice when they want to be.
Gee, thanks.
Don't mention it, dear. But I'm just kidding. You really are a nice headvoice.
Yeah, I know. I'm just pulling your leg as well. No worries.
That's good. But anyway...
Hey, does Q know about us?
Huh? Oh, geez, Chaos. He read my last Xanga.
Oh, did he? Wait-- did he??
Yep. So he knows all about it.
Oh, fish.
You're stuck, Chaos!
Yes, I guess I am. Oh well. I guess the truth had to come out sometime.
Such was the purpose of that last entry, yes. I just didn't expect him to read it. At all. This one, a little moreso.
So I can say anything and it'll get back to him?
If you'd want to ask him something directly or the like, yes.
Aha. No, I think I'll just bug you and he can read that. Savvy?
Aye-aye, mon capitaine.
Mon amour.
Careful, Jewel, or you'll have Davy Jones in here again.
Oh geez, that was funny...
Plus you actually got him to quit smoking. Score one for the fishmonger!
Yep!
By the way it's kind of funny how you're listening to "Look Up" right now.
My WMA plays cruelly ironic tricks on me, Chaos. You know that.
I remember the music quizzes, yes. Those bordered on blackmail at times.
Yes they did.
Are you looking up, Jewel?
Huh? Oh. Yes, of course, Selph.
I hoped so. I don't want to see you sad again.
No one does, Jewel. Honestly. It hurts.
...I know. I know. It's just so fishing hard sometimes, what with life and all.
Amen.
But you're trying, right? And I'm helping?
Yes, of course you are, love! You all are! Otherwise I'd be in a mental hospital right now as well.
I really feel sorry for your brother. I wish I could help.
We all do. But there's nothing we can do at the moment, except pray.
Don't you go blaming yourself for it then, okay?
Okay, Selph. I promise.
You're making a lot of promises, Jewel, my dear.
I plan to keep 'em.
That's what counts.
And being true to yourself.
Yes, that's a major point as well.
So, uh... about the Q thing... how does he feel about all this?
Good heavens, Chaos, you're not going to lay off it until you get a straight answer, are you?
Nope.
All right, all right. Well. Let me rant and I'll give you the straightest answer I can.
Sure, go right ahead!
Fantastic. First off, then, since Q-Lok read my last entry after all, by all means he should know about my situation.
That you love everybody in the world by default, right?
Right. So automatically he knows he's included in that sense. But... I did mention that other point, that it's always different in some way.
Apparently. So what's it for him?
I'm not too sure yet. I do love him as a friend, and he does mean a lot to me, but of course you guys know I'm asexual and not into the romantic stuff, which is why I don't like traditional relationships at all.
Neither is he, though.
Right, which is automatically a huge relief for me. Those aren't easy traits to find in today's society.
Unless you're not looking at humans, y'know.
Yeah, that's a given, dear. But Q's a human.
To that certain extent.
Yes, that's true as well.
But you haven't given me a straight yes or no. Are you going to tell him about this?
Chaos, you have no idea how fishing nervous you're making me right now.
Actually, I've done worse. You know what I mean.
A-HA!
Darling, don't start that conversation up again now.
No, I won't, hon. We three talked enough about that earlier. That case is closed.
And forbidden until further notice.
That too. Oh, Jewel, you didn't mention that. You really should, before you close this entry.
Yeah, I should. Um... to all you readers, the headroom topic in my past entry is obsolete now. I also deleted it, haha.
Yeah, we didn't want people getting the wrong idea, so we've all sworn off and erased such unhinged behavior as a result.
Even me.
Yes, even Selphy-boy. Apparently Jewel wasn't hallucinating.
Sorry.
Nothing to be sorry for, hon. You said the same thing to me.
Yes, there is. I was making you feel guilty, remember?
...Oh. That's all right, though, dear. You didn't mean it.
Maybe not, but I can't ignore the consequences.
That is true. Geez, we're going in circles with that point...
That's what Q said. Get him to settle it.
You think so?
Sure, why not? Maybe he can see our whole situation even clearer than we can, being a technically outside observer.
Hm... maybe so. I'll try, if he doesn't settle the point first himself.
Speaking of settling points...
Good heavens, sweetheart! What'd I tell you? He's going to read this sooner or later.
And what's he going to find out? That we're all indecisive, spaz-headed lunatics.
Besides that, though. Jewel did settle the point.
In that lovely paradoxical way of hers, yes, but we need to teach her to say it straight.
What, that I do love him?
Whoa snap. Never mind, hon, you've got me.
Well, I did say it earlier. I do love Q, but as a friend. That's platonic, but it's close regardless.
Yes, yes it is. Except now you've probably given him a seizure.
Twice as likely, as I think I've gotten one from all this admittance.
A-ha, nice one!
You seriously had a seizure?
Oh, no, darling. It's just an expression around here. No worries.
Okay. Just making sure. I don't want anything bad really happening to you.
Ditto.
I know, dear. Don't you worry, though, I'm all right.
Good. Now you finish your homework and wait for the fireworks to go off.
What?
Fireworks. Like a bomb in your head. You know, what happens when you read something really shocking.
Dear heavens, you guys, you're acting like I'm all romantic. I'm not. I don't even like romance.
I push the envelope a little, though. My apologies, and don't you say I shouldn't.
All right, Chaos. It's not a problem.
It never is for you, is it? Thank you.
Mm-hm. It's the least I can do.
But, uh... you do love Q, right?
Not like-- what, you afraid of rivalry, sweetheart?
Just a little bit. Now that I'm deeply sorry for.
No, I understand. But you have nothing to worry about. Like I said, I love everyone a little differently. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone. You, Selph, Bakura, Marik, Q, Jim, Ben, Johnny, Grievous, Davy, Barry, Godot, Midvalley, all my devWatchers, all my schoolmates, my entire extended family, all the Jewel Monsters, every soul that ever was. Of course.
Geez, that's a lot.
Yeah, it is. But I don't love anyone any less for it. It's just different levels of closeness and familiarity, that's all. Like the difference between an acquaintance and a brother or whatever.
Or a muse.
Yes, that's a given too, love.
What's Q to you, then?
Well, we're definitely not romantic, heavens no, but we're somewhat closer than friends I guess. Maybe it's that Anima/Animus thing he says we have.
Yeah, maybe. I'm sure he knows.
I do love you, Chaos.
Oh, I know you do, Jewel. Believe me, I know. And I love you just as much. I'm just... desperate, you know. Plus I'm terribly interested in your emotions, and I'll admit that. So... I get both scared and curious whenever you meet someone and get that close. I can't help it.
I know, hon. And I don't mind. I have to admit I'd do the same thing for the same reasons.
Me, too.
Yeah, you brought that point up earlier, dear. You and your innocence.
Yours, too.
I still say I don't know how you see it.
I do. Jewel does too. Just ask her.
Well, when you put it that way...
Advertising my empathic tendencies now, huh, sweetheart?
Um, maybe. But I don't think you mentioned that either.
Selph, my darling, if I went mentioning everything I haven't yet tonight, I'd never get to sleep!
Oh. Yeah, that is true. Sorry.
Back to square one we go.
Funny, isn't it?
You guys are just funny upstairs.
That's been verified already, thank you.
I don't mind. I think it's fun.
All right, and that just might have been the best reply to that question I have ever heard.
Good one for a conclusion, too.
Yes. Sleep.
Or slepp. That would work too.
Might as well. Oh, but make sure you get some Skype time in first.
I swear, Chaos, if you get attacked by Demia tonight it won't be my fault.
Just teasing you, love.
Love you too.
Undoubtedly.
Hey-- don't forget me!!
Not in a million years, Selph! I love you too!
Thank you! And I love you!
All right, now are we closing up?
We should have, about an hour ago.
Better late than never.
You can say that again.
Better late than never.
You're all insane.
Thank you.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (SPINNY) ??? ???

Too freaking late to say I'm sorry now.

Beautiful day today... fantastic time at work, school went by wonderfully, I finally got my acceptance call from college, and all sorts of lovely things...
And then I came home
The stress I pretended was gone hit me all at once
And I ate myself into oblivion.

WHY IN HEAVENS NAME DO I DO THAT?

Sometimes I'm really afraid I'm going to come face to face with my own doughboys
and they're going to look just like me.

I swear I'm my own worst enemy. Always have been and always will be.

Selph was actually crying and screaming at me tonight.
That scared me more than anything.

I'm so freaking scared and stressed on the inside but I'm afraid to face it because then I just want to forget it all. I just want to get the heck over the stars and not have to worry anymore... but I can't.
I was never one to take the easy way out.
I'd rather stay and fight the best I can.

So WHY the FISH am I BLINDING MYSELF with IDIOTIC escapes like this????

Geez! Do something constructive instead.
Write. Draw. Compose. Sing. Muse. Dream. Pray.
ANYTHING besides freaking eating.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Oh and here's another few things for me to abuse the enter key with.

I've been alienating myself from those I love... because I'm so darn afraid of what I'm becoming that I don't want to inflict myself upon them anymore.
I don't want to hurt or offend anybody.

Why do I love the world so fishing much and yet hate myself just the same?

It's not right. It's not right at all.
I should love myself and be happy with who I am like the old days... about 6 years ago or so...

It can't be too late. It's never too late. It can't be.

Am I going emo? Honestly, am I?

Because it would be terribly ironic if I was. Geez.
I'm a frantic-minded maniac with a brain that runs 700mph on a slow day and here I am afraid I'm going 'emo'.
I don't even know what that word means. Honestly!

...I've had the Pac-Man sound effect stuck in my head for three solid days.

wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka

YOU'RE DRIVING ME MAD, SIR

Anyway, um....

Still sick from the eating binge. Dear heavens.
I was doing so well for a while. Instead of eating I was breaking down in tears and hitting rock bottom on a daily basis. Isn't that lovely?
Well, I didn't hate myself as much afterwards, so that's gotta count for something.

Geez just STOP HATING YOURSELF ALREADY. YOU HAVE NO FREAKING REASON TO.
Yes I do. I've been making too many mistakes. Why do I have to make the same mistakes, over and over and over and...
Because you're a freaking idiot. You're a selfish little witch who only thinks of herself and whatever's the quickest distraction at the moment and never how much she's hurting others. Freaking moron.
No. Humans make mistakes. God made me human, and I'm imperfect. We all sin. Even the Pope's a sinner, you realize. It's human fault. We just need to overcome it. I'm sure we will.
Well it sure as hell doesn't look like it. Maybe if you put a little effort into something instead of losing motivation every freaking time you started something--
I am putting effort into it.
Not nearly enough.
Life's just hard right now.
Like hell it is. Think about those poor kids with no parents, no homes, no future. Think you have it hard now?
I mean hard under my circumstances... oh you're right. I'm just complaining. I'm sorry.
You'd better be. Keep your stupid mouth shut before I freaking sew it closed.
Hey, hey, hey... watch your language, honey.
Look who's talking.
I don't swear, dear. Zerg don't swear. I've been saying that for about 7 years now.
And you're still a weirdo.
Weirdness is the closest thing to sanity in this world now. I'm sorry if it offends you, but it's just the way I am.
Guys, let's get back to the point. Jewel, you've got to stop hating yourself.
I don't. I don't hate myself, I'm just upset with the fact that I'm not as perfect as I'd like to be... but I'm pushing myself too hard. Chaos always tells me the same thing; "Don't kill yourself trying to reach perfection. It's not worth it." But perfection is my ideal... although I don't want to go putting myself on a pedestal as a result. I just want to be the best I can be.
You're speaking in paradoxes, y'know.
Maybe. But it's the only way that makes sense to me right now. Sorry.
S'alright. Hey, who's getting the suicidal tendencies then?
Jessica is. She's the one who's always pulling herself down and feeling hopeless.
And hateful. She's always angry with herself.
Yes, and it's starting to rub off on us, on me. That's not good. We've got to either get her out of it or get rid of her, as much as I dislike saying it.
I think she's just a figment of a figment. A manifestation of a manifestation.
Quoting JTHM now, huh?
Yeah, why not? But seriously. She's the screwed-up remnant of a darker side you don't have anymore--
I still have it. I need it gone.
Yes, but that's my point. It's living on through her, like Psycho Doughboy or something. It's poisoning us.
True, true. But I don't want to hurt anyone.
You'll hurt everyone if you don't get that destructive side out of you.
You mean the side of me that murders people in my head? The side that both Johnny and I have to fight?
Yes.
I thought that was you.
Well, I do, but that's besides the point. That's only to keep you under control.
To keep her under control, Laurie. I think you're getting us confused.
Maybe if she wouldn't freaking take over your head so much.
I wish she wouldn't. I really do.
Well, try.
I will. I am trying. Just not hard enough. I've got to find a way to do so.
You sure do. You're getting damn close to killing yourself, Jewel.
Unfortunately. And that's only because of all you guys. No offense, Laurie.
None taken. I know I'm responsible, force of punishment or not.
You're just the severely harsh side of my conscience,
I think.
Yes yes. Exactly. That and the side of you in the mirror that isn't afraid to tell you the darker truth. The truth of the part of you that you need to face because it's killing you. You're killing you. That part.
Uh-huh. Unlike my normal reflection. She's just fun and giddy.
You need that too.
True.
Well, you feeling better about the food?
I am, yes. I don't know about Jess. She's always torn up about one thing or another.
Yeah. Hey, how's Julie treating you? She letting up?
Yes, thank God. I don't hate her or anything, she just doesn't want me to be asexual, I think.
Nah, it's not that. It's just that she's a girl, a normal girl, living in the head of a voluntarily sexless maniac.
Nice description. But you forgot xenophile.
In the extreme sense, yes. You and your aliens, I swear.
Indeed. But hey, you can't blame me, not when you drop the prejudices and see what it's all about; Chaos and I, Selph and I. You know.
Of course. They're around enough. Oh, how's Johnny?
Fantastic. He's still a little edgy around the knives, but I think both he and I are mellowing out a little bit. Not as frantically out of our minds as we were, which is nice.
Yeah... and you both have the same hair.
Oh geez, not really. But it is funny. I mean look at these things.
Irken.
I wish.
Except drop the sugar.
Exactly.
Oh, and your mom's yelling again.
Yes, she is... I think I really should get to bed, dear. Forget about all this junk, remember the morning, hope to do better come tomorrow, right?
That's my girl. Now don't give me any reasons to come after you with an axe, y'hear?
I'll keep that in mind. By the way you've got to drop that habit, hon.
Only after you drop yours.
Touche.

02-09-2008 (oh geez, it's 12 AM!!)

From now on this journal is free domain for the madness inside my mind.

See you on the other side.

----------------------------------------------------------

THIS IS NOT A JOURNAL.

You will not find witty banter or book reviews on this page. You will not find relationship advice or recipes.
You will, however, find some very interesting and bizarre conversations.

This is not a journal... this is quite literally my life.

This is where my "headvoices" and I come to talk, to discuss our life situations, and/or to philosophize on whatever issues are troubling us that day.
It's a raw stream of consciousness and it's not for the faint of heart.
It is, however, the most honest insight you will ever get into our lives.

Feel free to read if you wish, but do watch your step.

(LAST UPDATED 2012)

Red = Jewel
Violet = Laurie
Aqua = Chaos 0
Orange = Genesis (Selph)
Ultraviolet = Xenophon
Crimson = Lynne
Brown = Spine
Yellow = Josephina
Teal = Nathaniel (Natalie)
Blue = Waldorf
Indigo = Leon
Pink = Julie
White = Mr. Sandman

Waiting for an open session and/or channel access:

Sky = Ryou
Purple = Marik
Mint = Celebi

No longer speaking:

Smoke = Jessica (Splintered)
Green = Qlok (Quoted only)
Lime = Vickie (Quoted only)
Gray = Vezerai (Guest only)

Old entries may not adhere to this color code. For example:
Lynne originally spoke in orange, before she fully manifested.
Genesis originally spoke in yellow, but then chose to speak in orange.
Josephina originally spoke in lilac, but this has been corrected to match his new color.
Spine originally spoke in tan, but this has been corrected to match her new color.

This list will be regularly updated to reflect the current speech coloration.

F.A.Q.

What is a "headvoice?"
In our jargon, a "headvoice" is an individual born within headspace that serves a specific function within the system as a whole. These functions may be "inflicted" or "inborn." Headvoices with unstable or unclear functions can die from the lack of stabilization, while those with "function overload" may corrupt to an equally lethal extreme.

How many headvoices are in your system?
Taking both upstairs and underground into consideration, there are approximately eleven headvoices in our system. It's difficult to tell.

What's the difference between "upstairs," "downstairs," and "underground?"
"Upstairs" refers to headspace life, aka anything non-physical. "Downstairs" refers to physical life, aka what the body must participate in to survive. "Underground" refers to a specific level of lower headspace that contains very dangerous individuals, and is not typically accessible.

What is "central headspace" and how is it different from normal headspace?
"Central" is a specific area of headspace that has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for the core individuals in our system. Most headvoices live there. It is also where our discussions on this website take place.
'Normal' headspace is more strongly connected to Jewel's raw consciousness than Central; as a result it is typically fluid and highly mutable, with few 'fixed' areas.

Why do you have characters from games/ TV/ etc. up there too?
When Jewel was younger, his consciousness would 'branch out' rather uncontrollably. Because of this he'd often 'catch' the vibrations of same-level individuals outside our system (i.e. media sources), effectively creating a sort of energetic bridge for them to enter headspace if they so wished. Few individuals were able to enter, though, and even fewer were able to stay. Those who did exhibited a peculiar sort of "resonance" with our inner energy field that effectively made them just as much a part of this system as we are, and may even be mandatory for such a scenario. This phenomenon is still being investigated, but that's the gist of it.

Do they count as "headvoices" too?
Technically, no, as they do not originate from inside the system, and they are entirely different life-forms as well. We refer to them as "walk-ins" or "outspacers" if need be.

Why are the older entries here so different from the newer ones?
We started this site in 2008 as an attempt to stabilize all of us, and to record the process of such. Headspace was new back then, and for the most part, so were we. Headvoices typically go through a "stabilization" period after their birth, during which time they become less impulse and more individual. All of our system members have their adjustment periods documented here in one sense or another.
On that note, underground influence was also rampant in the subconscious in 2008. Most of the old Jewel-centric entries were almost entirely tainted by that, as Jewel himself didn't start to truly stabilize until 2011. Asking him why he no longer acts that way is the equivalent of asking a grown man why he no longer acts like he did as an infant.

Why don't you guys update more often?
Hosting a Xanga session takes a great deal of time and personal energy. Although we would love to update once a week, our schedule does not favor such an ideal. Not only does our system have to deal with the menial concerns of a physical existence, but we also have to deal with our own upstairs lives at the same time. Due to the myriad and frequently unexpected events on both levels, we often do not have sufficient time or energy left to get everyone together and host a session. We are, however, trying to find a happy medium concerning this situation.

Feel free to leave questions as a comment to this entry; we'll be glad to answer them either here or in an actual session.

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the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with xanga

what a wanderer

compulsory obsession

broken brains

the number you have dialed

The knives aren't sharp enough

I know you're in there

months

waiting too long

Can a person love more than one person at the same time? Why or why not?

behind you

pay attention

hello

Always So Much More To Say

impulse: That Eternal Moment

The condition of the true

Pain

something to say

empty

On the subject of love

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too late now

i'm smiling already

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