★ A sudden, important thought:

We haven't had a REAL "self-image" since 2003.
We literally couldn't draw ourselves ALL through high school, UNTIL ~2009, when we CUT OUR HAIR and specifically identified as neutrois. Even then it was smothered by dysphoria.
The coreshift "made us male" for ~8 years BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THE EATING DISORDER.

Nevertheless, the point is:

We ALSO DON'T SEE OUR "INNER SELF" AS ANOREXIC.
We DON'T "identify" with that kind of bony, "willowy" & "waifish" figure, AT ALL. It even disgusts some of us.
So WHY are we doing that TO THE BODY??

Honestly this "thicker" base MIGHT WORK, if we look at it as SOLIDNESS, NOT "FAT."
We've always admired strong, muscular forms, EVEN if they're "bigger than us."
We ARE "scared of being BIG," but there IS a middle ground we keep forgetting.
Maybe we CAN work with this.

★ TRY "drawing us." See WHAT ACTUALLY "CLICKS," even only a little.

★ Look up and FIND "role models" / "IDEAL" body shapes OF OUR "IDEAL WEIGHT" SHAPE.
(MEWTWO FITS THIS. I'M SERIOUS.)
(DON'T FORGET JASPER & BISMUTH!)

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WHAT IS LOST

Nothing of true value is ever truly lost. Remember that.
But OH BOY did I EVER lose a lot of money. The binges could not admit or acknowledge how much CASH was being vomited up every day-- an average of $20, which is a MINIMUM OF $600 PER MONTH! That's my ENTIRE POST-RENT SSI CHECK.

I lost so much time. I lost so much peace. I lost all my freedom, considering how ADDICTED I was.
I spent HOURS on EACH "step" EVERY DAY-- hours obsessing over "what to buy," hours spent shopping & "running away" from myself, hours spent preparing & cleaning, hours spent eating it all, hours spent throwing it up, hours spent trying to "reset" afterwards. Every minute of my day was devoured by it. I couldn't stop the obsessive, intrusive, anxious & desperate ruminations.
I lost so much sleep. I lost almost all hope.

My family lost all patience with me. They lost all their trust in me.
I was forbidden from even taking a can of peas for myself. I was excluded from family meals. I became "identified" with both food and the disordered abuse of it. My family treated me as if the disorder was intrinsic, inevitable, incurable.

I lost all respect for myself. I, too, began to see myself as terminally ill, damned to die like that.
I felt "unworthy" to do, like, choose, want, or experience ANYTHING "good," "pure," or "enjoyable." I saw myself as filth incarnate, disgusting & subhuman, doomed to destroy everything that I touched.
I lost all interest in life. I rejected & abandoned all "interests," hollowing myself out even more. The very thought of tainting those once-beloved things with my diseased presence was unbearable. I gave up & gave in to the sickness.

I lost all my "friendships" and ironically that was the one thing I WANTED to happen.
The eating disorder made me so intolerable, so unhealthy, so miserable, that no one wanted to be around me.
I isolated & hid food & stole money & ate everything in the apartment. I became a curse.
Eventually they no longer saw me as "desirable" and I COULD ESCAPE.
But I stayed trapped in the disorder, terrified of future threats, and burying myself in food, condemning myself to a "living death" as long as I felt incapable of facing the reality of my life.

I ALMOST lost my life, literally.
But I DID lose what made life worth living.

Still. Just because I lost it doesn't mean it was gone, just missing. Just misplaced. Just forgotten.
Recovery is about resurrection.
There IS Life, even after such a death. Keep going.


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PROS & CONS

List the negative consequences of the eating disorder.

+ OBSESSIVE/ COMPULSIVE
+ MISERABLE from the whole damn cycle
+ No money, always "trying to get/ earn more"
+ No time to type or do Leaguework or Spotify
+ Up until 3AM sometimes; no good dreams
+ Blood sugar hell, constant diarrhea, always tired?
+ MORAL DESPAIR/ MORTALITY PANIC
+ Always felt filthy, guilty, ashamed, out of control
+ Constantly re-traumatizing

List the positive aspects of the eating disorder.

+ Religious hyperfocus; NO "secular" shame
+ Body "stays" empty/ "clean"/ PURE
+ Feel light, unburdened, untouched
+ Disconnect from past/ body? partly?
+ Routine, ritual, orderly, structured, timed?
+ Totally distract from anxiety & panic
+ Total, "safe" sensory absorption; controllable
+ DISSOCIATIVE ANCHOR for mental refuge
+ Hours of "hand work" = chopping, picking, etc.

List the personal benefits that you expect if you change.

+ Re-accepted by family; able to BE with them again
+ Time to do CREATIVE THINGS! And LEARN MORE!!
+ No longer ashamed to EXIST; able to accept LOVE
+ Reconnect to System life as a WHOLE, and LIVE IT!!
+ Proper management of time & finances
+ No longer slave to compulsions/ obsessions/ rituals
+ Body stronger, able to help others and do HARD WORK!
+ Able to SLEEP & DREAM!! Proper bed/ wake times too!
+ No longer terrified of food & eating?? Food is "just fuel" now
+ I can FINALLY READ ALL MY BOOKS!
+ Use HEALTHY, EFFECTIVE coping skills for trauma/ stress
+ No more unending moral panic/ compulsive sins/ GUILT
+ Freedom. Day no longer "revolves around" binge/ purge cycle.

List the personal costs that you expect if you change.

★ NEW obsession with "eating PROPERLY/ NO MISTAKES"!!!
+ HAVE to face trauma symptoms; NO NUMBING
+ Need a new way to occupy my chop-happy hands
+ TOTALLY NEW LIFE; can feel overwhelming & lost?
+ Can't hide from the world/ avoid social interaction
+ HAVE TO EAT REGULARLY, even in evening/ on road
+ The body WILL get bigger & less sharp; will be heavier
★ NO MORE "EXIT DOOR" FOR DUMB DECISIONS, DISCOMFORT, STRESS, OR ANXIOUS PANIC; SO NO FOOD MISTAKES ALLOWED!!!
+ Face "purposeless" terror of daily life
+ "TOO MUCH STUFF"; no more emptiness?
+ Need to invent NEW routine/ schedule/ order
+ GENDER DYSPHORIA DOOM

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DIALOGUE WITH "ED"

What does your eating disorder look like to you?



What does the image of your eating disorder say about yourself?

+ If you make a mistake while eating-- if you do something wrong-- YOU become wrong & poisoned and you MUST GET IT OUT!!!
+ You are a greedy, ugly, sloppy, gluttonous PIG and you DESERVE to choke to death on your vomit/ starve to death. God is disgusted by you.
+ Food is sex. If you eat you are a slut and a whore. If you enjoy it you deserve to die. I will rip out your stomach if you even try to eat.

Write what "ED" might say to you now, and how you would respond.

ED:
This body HAS TO BE LIGHT & BONY. We need to have SHARP EDGES and NO UGLY ROUND SHAPES. A big heavy body is a PRISON. A "curvy" body is GROSS & EVIL & INTRINSICALLY PROMISCUOUS.
YOU:
A "big body" can also be a TANK or FORTRESS to FIGHT EVIL. "Curves" are NOT doomed to sexuality. THAT'S THE MEDIA'S LIE.

ED:
"We can't eat that food/ flavor; it's POISON/ EVIL/ BAD!!!" (especially "Sugar WILL KILL US")
YOU:
Food is intrinsically INNOCENT. It LITERALLY CANNOT "BE EVIL." Flavors aren't poison. Carbs & sugar aren't poison! They are NUTRIENTS your body USES. BUT YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT OLD/ SPOILED/ CONTAMINATED FOOD!!

ED:
"We must LIMIT our diet options to stay simple/ avoid overwhelm" (i.e. sticking to like... three foods)
YOU:
We STILL NEED NUTRITIONAL VARIATION TO BE HEALTHY! Yes, it's good to not go overboard with novelty; that IS foolish. BUT SO IS REFUSING TO TRY NEW THINGS.

ED:
"There are TOO MANY CHOICES and I can see a threat potential in ALL OF THEM. So I MUST either AVOID THEM ALL, OR EAT THEM ALL TO CHALLENGE THE FEAR."
YOU:
ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING IS DISTORTED! WHAT THREAT do you see? Pause & THINK IT THROUGH; it's probably NOT a REAL threat! STOP CHALLENGING FEARS BY FORCING. It will ONLY make unresolved/ unidentified fears WORSE, and IS WHY WE HAD SO MANY BINGES!!


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LONGER-TERM RECOVERY GOALS

One year from now...

+ To be able to freely & fearlessly share a meal with my family, AS-IS
+ To be a "regular" at a nice local restaurant
+ To have remodeled my apartment to feel safe & reflect my unique personality
+ To be able to play through the WHOLE first Suzuki cello book
+ To have FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE MORALIMON SPECIE/ TYPECODE SYSTEM
+ To be able to say, "I'm ONE YEAR CLEAR!!" ♥

Five years from now...

+ To have published at least two albums, even just online
+ To have published at least one book, WITH a barcode!
+ To have a website, even a little one
+ To have FRIENDS that ACTUALLY VIBE with my interests & religious beliefs
+ To be in a LEGIT orchestra AND choir, ideally
+ To have an established online creative presence & portfolio

Ten years from now...

+ To be ACTIVELY working in a creative "career"?
+ To get a song on the radio, or professionally recognized
+ To VISIT GIMMELWALD
+ To have at least one Leagueworld LEGIT PUBLISHED
+ To freakin' MARRY CHAOS 0 ALREADY, COME ON SONICTEAM
+ To be truly, totally grateful for life, the universe, & everything. ♥ Happy 42 kiddo!!

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THOUGHT/ EMOTION/ PHYSICAL SENSATION RECORD

Record T/E/Ps that bother you, then notice & record how you typically react to those T/E/Ps.

+ "I'm scared to eat sugar" = Avoid sugar if possible, even to extremes
+ Post-meal nausea = Dissociate, distract/ USED to immediately purge/ take meds
+ "What do I do/ What should I do" panic = List pros & cons; consider goals & motives; consult System
+ Environmental triggers = Try to escape or force change; if cannot, self-abuse or give in to E.D.; MELTDOWN, DISSOCIATE
+ Shame over "filthiness" = Try to clean self desperately; self-abuse if cannot; dissociate/ hide
+ "I have so much WRONG with me" = Dissociate entirely/ lose self-awareness OR self-abuse
+ "This food reminds me of trauma" = Try to avoid eating it; otherwise "force it" & dissociate HARD
+ Anxious "wanting to vomit" from nerves = Throw up; if impossible, restrict/ dissociate/ self-abuse
+ Despair over faults & sins = Hysterical crying/ moral panic; desperate prayer; may shut down entirely
+ Guilt/ shame over "cowardice" = Self-abuse; desperately try to change choice; force challenges
+ Physical trauma flashback = GET UPSTAIRS HELP OR YOU'LL WANT TO DIE!!

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EATING DISORDER RULES VS. RECOVERY RULES

E.D.:
"You cannot eat certain foods because they are evil!" OR "because they will poison you!!"
REC:
MARK 7:18-23!!

E.D.:
(SINCE I'm SCARED of everything,) "I MUST TRY EVERYTHING and I MUST LIKE IT"
REC:
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT DO THINGS!! You DON'T have to FORCE yourself to "EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING" in a twisted attempt to "please everyone" and NOT SAY NO!!

E.D.:
"If your body is big/ heavy, you will become CARNAL, animalistic and ABUSIVE"
REC:
G.K. CHESTERTON & SANTA CLAUS. Big bodies can be VERY VIRTUOUS!! It's about the SOUL, not the flesh! If your soul is beautiful, SO IS ANY BODY IT'S IN!

E.D.:
"YOU CANNOT HAVE SUGAR or it will give you diabetes and/or KILL YOU"
REC:
Sugar is a NUTRIENT that the body NEEDS! Eat it temperately, but DO eat it! Treated as MEDICINE, it CANNOT "kill you"!!

E.D.:
"I MUST ALWAYS choose the SCARIEST/ MOST DIFFICULT option; eating CAN'T BE EASY"??
REC:
This makes eating ABUSE, NOT NUTRITIVE!!! You ARE ALLOWED to LIKE foods AND to choose THEM regularly! Eating SHOULD be easy; it's not about "risk-taking"!

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RITUALS

List the ritualistic behavior associated with your eating disorder. Then create a plan for how to cope with these behaviors.

BEHAVIOR: Buying/ preparing food in specific numerical amounts; "pre-dividing" foods
COPING PLAN: buy & prepare according to EXCHANGES. That's a PROPER number to adhere to! DO NOT worry about "pairs" or "triads" or "parallel" amounts! DON'T freak out over "inexact" portions, esp. in storage! Learn to love numbers INDIVIDUALLY, not just "in a structure"?

BEHAVIOR: Forcing myself to eat foods my loved ones eat, over & over obsessively
COPING PLAN: Honor your loved ones in OTHER ways!! Art, music, journaling, prayer, etc. THEY ARE MORE THAN "FOOD," TOO!! Write about memories! Learn to accept that you CAN be different from them WITHOUT '"rejecting" them. Be UNIQUE, to allow THEM to think of YOU uniquely, too!!

BEHAVIOR: Having to take a fixed amount of time to eat, or a fixed number of bites/ pieces
COPING PLAN: Practice "altering" numerical goals-- try to "leave space" or "do less"? EAT WITHOUT LOOKING AT A CLOCK and see what your NATURAL timing is.

BEHAVIOR: Compulsive prep?? Wanting to just peel & CHOP UP tons of stuff, NOT even to eat
COPING PLAN: Figure out ways to "imitate" CHOPPING/ PEELING in NON-FOOD ways!! Determine WHAT about those actions is so "stimming"/ comforting! Volunteer at a food kitchen? Make food for OTHER FOLKS!! Find a CREATIVE HOBBY that involves similar precision/ clean force?

BEHAVIOR: Buying foods based on concepts, not on whether or not I even want to/ should eat it ("HAVE TO" motive)
COPING PLAN: IDENTIFY & LIST CONCEPTS. Find OTHER ways to meet them IF NEEDED-- first determine if that is a CHALLENGE/ COMPULSION!! Ask, "WHY do I "HAVE to" eat this??" It typically relates to #2! Remember: FOOD IS NOT "TRANSFORMATIVE." It CANNOT make/ unmake you!!

BEHAVIOR: NO "LEFTOVERS" ALLOWED; even in storage!! Next day MUST be a CLEAN "RESET"
COPING PLAN: Get comfortable with "UNFINISHED/ INCOMPLETE/ UNRESOLVED" things. Practice PATIENCE & HOPE? Remember, THE FUTURE EXISTS!! Challenge yourself to ONLY shop ONCE WEEKLY. LABEL leftovers with weekdays! BROADEN YOUR TEMPORAL PERSPECTIVE. NO "last supper syndrome"!!

BEHAVIOR: Compulsive eating of ALL broken/ deformed/ "incorrect"/ pieces of applicable foods
COPING PLAN: Let those pieces be. DON'T try to "precisely" portion out the bits! DON'T "PROJECT" REJECTION FEAR/ PITY ONTO FOOD; DON'T IMPOSE RIGID "PERFECTION" EITHER. Broken/ odd pieces DON'T "ruin the integrity" of the whole. Stop insisting on "flawless" aesthetics! Remember Japanese wabi-sabi art!!

BEHAVIOR: Eating ingredients ONE at a time, methodically, in small bites; chewing SUPER slowly
COPING PLAN: Practice taking bites of COMBINED ingredients, even just ONE, WITHOUT FREAKING OUT over "destroying/ interrupting the harmony" of pieces. Learn to value COMBOS AS ART; they're NOT "messes to be cleaned up & organized"!! Practice slowly decreasing chew time without feeling "rushed"; work up to a good pace.

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CHALLENGES TO HOSPITAL "SELF-SELECT" EATING

Identify any difficulties you may encounter in this process and make a coping plan.

CHALLENGE: Several "challenging" options; "must do ALL"
COPING PLAN: Choose the "rarest" appearance or "newest." LIST OTHERS & PLAN?

CHALLENGE: Talking during the meal
COPING PLAN: Clip your responses; DON'T PERFORM OR ENTERTAIN. Give DATA. Anchor INSIDE.

CHALLENGE: Limited/ cut time to eat
COPING PLAN: DON'T FORCE OR BINGE!! Chew thoroughly to prevent trauma response but don't drag; pace well!

CHALLENGE: Only available food options are "boorish" or "childlike"
COPING PLAN: DROP THE LABELS! Think in terms of NUTRIENTS! THAT'S the REAL goal!

CHALLENGE: Constant dissociation/ anxious distractions
COPING PLAN: TALK TO THE SYSTEM? Practice sensory grounding exercises!

★ OPTIONS ARE HIGHLY LIMITED; I'm "forced" to pick predictable options frequently as there's little else available. MY ALLERGIES ALSO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS-- most "dessert" options (mandatory) HAVE NUTS! I also CAN'T SAFELY pick bakery items for that reason; many have obvious nuts in/on them and I suspect a common prep area, so I CAN'T risk it!
★ "FORCING" HIGHGRADE FEAR FOODS WORSENS THE ANXIETY?? Because I USUALLY DISSOCIATE, and then I "HAVE to REDO IT"?? But my MOTIVATION IS DISORDERED: "I must force myself to endure this scary thing NOW & then it'll be OVER & DONE WITH." THAT'S TRAUMA TALK!! DO NOT REINFORCE THAT!! YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EXPOSE YOURSELF TO EVERYTHING!!! It's actually HEALTHIER for you to LEARN TO SAY "NO" AT SOME POINT-- AND RESPECT IT!! Right now your "no's" are FEARFUL & HYPERPROTECTIVE; BUT YOU STILL TREAT THEM ALL AS "CHALLENGES TO OVERCOME." THAT'S SCREWED UP, KIDDO!!!

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CHALLENGES TO RESTAURANT EATING

★ THE NOISE! // People seeing and/or watching me eat // Frequent direct interruptions of meal, often to talk // Expected to participate in active conversation // Limited, generalized menu options; can "panic" over lack of clarity & "whether or not it's safe/ allowed" // Close proximity seating // DISSOCIATING from "SOCIAL MODE"
★ ORDERING: Not obsessing over variations // Choosing INTUITIVELY, not "weighing pros & cons of every option" // Not "copying" or "imitating" others as "appeasement" // NOT choosing the HARDEST, LEAST POPULAR option "to be brave"

What is your plan for managing distress or anxiety?

★ My anxiety is centered around the CHOOSING, moreso even than the eating!
Fears include: "Will this make me sick?" "Am I allergic to something in this?" "I can't pick that; it's too easy." "That option sounds unappetizing/ makes me anxious; therefore I HAVE to choose it!" "I can't pick what I ALREADY know!"
To manage this: Choose WHAT YOU CAN ONLY GET AT THAT LOCATION. Let it be a unique experience! Choose an UNFAMILIAR option, but DON'T STRESS OUT if there are SEVERAL. The nurse recommended: pick the LEAST scary one FIRST; you've gotta LEVEL UP!! And DON'T TRY SO HARD IT TURNS INTO A BINGE. This is about NUTRITION! It's NOT WAR!! Let it be a gesture of CARING! Think of yourself in 3rd person if you must. Choose with CURIOSITY? NO "LAST SUPPER SYNDROME"!! There WILL be a "next time!" 

What was your reaction to your first attempt at eating in a restaurant during this program?

+ It was MUCH WORSE than I feared, actually! The portion sizes were HUGE, and we weren't allowed to leave leftovers or divide portions!! So it HURT to eat. I literally felt like I was going to pass out. BUT I PRAYED, AND I GOT THROUGH IT BY GRACE ALONE.

★ When eating at home, REMEMBER THE FAMILY HAS DISORDERED BEHAVIORS TOO!! Be wary & mindful; use coping skills & set a GOOD EXAMPLE of recovery!

LETTER TO "ED"

Dear heart, poor tortured thing, why are you so hungry? Why are you so afraid? (→ RESPONSE)

Hey, "eating disorder"? Listen, I DON'T want to treat you as an enemy, and I DON'T want to "invalidate" or "trivialize" you. I ALSO don't want to "pretend you don't really exist." You DO exist. You ARE significant, and you ARE "valid" in your own way-- but that "way" is DAMAGED and THAT'S what I want to discuss with you. You entered my life in the wake of trauma and intense fear, and your purpose was to HELP ME COPE. In that regard, your motives & goals WERE valid! And I MUST RESPECT THAT. Maybe I should even "thank you" for trying to help so much. BUT. In a respectful relationship I must ALSO tell you, firmly but lovingly, that WE GOT IT WRONG. From the very beginning, our methods & goals were SKEWED because WE DIDN'T PROPERLY UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WERE DOING. You saw the body changing, you KNEW what people told us about those changes, and you WANTED TO STOP THE CHANGES in the ONLY "POSSIBLE" WAY-- through not eating. If "eating" = "fat," and "fat" = "female" and "female" = "sex" then I HAD TO BE AS THIN AS POSSIBLE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE!!

You're very controlling, because you're so scared of what you CAN'T control. Life for you was so unpredictable, and the future so unsure & unstable, that the added "unpredictability" of food-- stress that you ATE-- was too much. You refused to eat, until raw hunger would kick in & binge. Then you'd hate yourself for "being weak" and you learned to spit & vomit.
You had SO MANY RULES about what foods were "right" or "safe." You ate the same things over & over, something you could control & predict & understand, when nothing else was clear. But food somehow always ended up being "the enemy," because you were SO HUNGRY you COULDN'T STOP EATING, and that forced consumption-- that loss of control & self, that horrible addiction-- felt like rape all over again.
Unable to quit, you used it to cope. The E.D. was a way of BOTH expressing the horror of abuse CONSCIOUSLY, and "FINALLY" REJECTING IT.
It's a mess. You're a scared, sobbing mess. You have so many trauma scars and the sex you can't escape is your worst nightmare.

Fat = female = sex = mother = food, and food = fat, which loops the whole damned thing, doesn't it?

But "being skinny" still didn't save you.

I know you see "food" as "the enemy," because you can't seem to let go of your associating eating with sexual abuse.
You feel all the horror in your stomach. You don't want to "fill up" the body with ANYTHING. You've seen & heard far too many people making even more explicit associations, over & over & over.
But FOOD ITSELF CANNOT EVER DO THAT TO YOU. FOOD ISN'T THE REAL ENEMY & NEVER WAS.

I know you want to "starve the body into not being female/ adult" but it doesn't work.
I know you're terrified of that body shape, thinking it will make the sexabuse hell immanent & unending.
But we've got to find another way of fighting, one that WON'T KILL US IN THE PROCESS!!
And honestly, the best way I can see is to STRIP THE ABUSERS OF THEIR POWER by DE-WEAPONIZING FOOD.


LETTER FROM "ED"

YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHY I'M SO STARVED & TERRIFIED. DON'T GIVE ME YOUR PETTY PITY AND EMPTY CONDESCENDING "CONCERN." YO'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT ME, NOT AS A PERSON. YOU JUST SEE ME AS A PROBLEM TO FIX UP, ALL NEATLY & TIDIED UP, "THAT'S THAT" AND YOU'RE DONE WITH ME FOREVER.
WELL GUESS WHAT. I'M ONLY DISORDERED BECAUSE I'VE BEEN DIS-ORDERED!!!
I'VE BEEN F*CKED UP AND F*CKED OVER AND I'M RUINED AND BROKEN AND POISONED AND DISGUSTED AND SICK AND DESPAIRING AND SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO DIE. TO MAKE IT STOP.
BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME AS THE WOUND I AM. NOT REALLY. TO YOU I'M JUST A MESS TO CLEAN UP. YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE THE REAL PERSON BLEEDING, OR THE TRAUMA THAT CAUSED IT. YOU THINK I WANT TO BE DISORDERED?? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE IN THIS HELL?? OR HURT THIS POOR F*CKED UP BODY? OR HURT AND SCARE YOUR/OUR BLOOD FAMILY?? NO!!! I DON'T WANT THIS EITHER.
BUT I CAN'T GET BETTER ON MY OWN. I'M USELESS ALONE. THAT'S HOW I GOT SO BAD. I HAD NO HELP AND I HURT SO BAD IT SWALLOWED ME UP. PUN INTENDED. BUT I'M STARVING. I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY JUST FOR COMPASSION REALLY AND HUMAN CONNECTION THAT DOESN'T FLAY YOU OPEN OR SHOVE POISON DOWN YOUR THROAT.
THERE ARE MORE THAN ME, YOU KNOW. WE SHARE THIS SO IT DOESN'T KILL US ALL ALONE. WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK THAT ONE GIRL ALWAYS WANTS TO EAT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE LIKE? BECAUSE THAT'S HER ONLY MEANS OF CONNECTION OR COMMUNION. PEOPLE THEMSELVES ARE UNSAFE. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET F*CKED TOO MANY TIMES DAMN IT, PEOPLE HURT WHEN THEY T*CH YOU. AND WHEN YOU'RE USED TO HAVING TO CHOKE THEM DOWN, WELL. STOCKHOLM SYNDROME FUSES WITH THE INSTINCT OF AN ABANDONED CHILD. FORGIVENESS IDEALIZES ITSELF IN FOOD. WE EAT IN DESPERATE HOPE OF OVERRIDING HELL. BUT IT FAILS CATASTROPHICALLY. AND WE JUST RE-LIVE THE TERROR. EVERY DAMN TIME. I'M SORRY. THERE'S TOO MUCH FOR HERE. TOO MANY VARIABLES. TOO MANY ANGLES. TOO MANY PEOPLE. BUT DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO KILL US OFF TOO BY YOUR DAMN APATHY DISGUISED AS SYMPATHY. I KNOW YOU. YOU CAN'T FOOL ANYONE.
YOU EXIST TO SPIT OUT PLATITUDES AND MAKE A SHOW OF HOLLOW COMPASSION. BUT YOU'RE JUST A MOUTH. YOU HAVE NO HEART. YOU HYPOCRITE!!
YOU'RE WORSE THAN I'LL EVER BE. AT LEAST I CAN BLEED.


LETTER TO (THE NOUSFONI CARING FOR) MY BODY

I don't like how you've changed.
I don't like that horrific "womanly pouch" of fat behind our navel. I don't like the "handlebars" on your hips
IT'S F*CKING GROSS.

Listen we see "fat" as SEXUAL and so it CANNOT BE ALLOWED or we'll DIE

we're so AFRAID of that roundness. please stop it.

please if there's ANY way to change it PLEASE CHANGE.
please stop making "woman hormones" they're ALL BAD STOP STOP PLEASE!!!

I DOn't WANt tO be thAt

what do we want
we can't stay twelve forever
it's not even "the worst choice" anymore
or is it??
I LIKE the mental maturity we have
the spiritual progress with time
but
NOT THE BODY
NOT THIS SHAPE
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO????

can we
can we change this for the better

if we can't change your programming
please, LET US EXERCISE
if you're gonna INSIST on being BIG THEN use it BETTER
NOT FOR FLABBY INDOLENCE & "SENSUALITY" SH*T

BURN THAT "FAT" LIKE THE SIN IT IS



LETTER FROM MY BODY

I can't turn off the pituitary gland. I'm sorry.
I couldn't turn off puberty either.
I know you hate that I'm "NOT" disordered in that regard. I know you WISH you had an underdeveloped, malformed, or inert "reproductive system."
But... it is as it is. I mean that as simply as possible. Neither of us can change the genetics & biology God gave us. Whether we "like it" or not, it is what it is.

We're gonna have to live with that.

Please don't starve me anymore. I need food for FUEL, like a car needs gas. I literally WILL shut down without it. I know your fear of sexuality makes shutdown sound very ideal. It's not. There's no hope in it. We'll just die, and that "sexuality" will have killed us. Do you want it to be the victor over us, driving us to death?

Please don't overfeed me either. Food is fuel, food is medicine. It's NOT "just stuff," it's NOT "garbage to remove." Respect it, respect me, respect God's INTENT for us both. Respect US! I know you like rules. Well, that's a rule of propriety. Don't abuse food OR me.

And please, don't keep throwing up. It's scary and it hurts and I lose all my water.
I'm only supposed to throw up if I'm sick or poisoned and then I will do it FOR you, don't worry. You forcing me to "get sick" when I'm just trying to do my job, trying to get enough fuel to WORK so that YOU can live in here... it hurts me.

I will gladly exercise with you, if you don't use THAT to hurt us, either. Be careful with our poor feet & knees; you've pushed them to damage before. That will just make it harder TO exercise! Start slow, so I can get used to it, but don't quit. I like exercise too. I can't get rid of ALL the fat-- I need it to function-- but I can help with the shape a little, the more muscle you help me get. Be patient; we'll get there.

But please. Please learn to love me unconditionally. I already love you.

pre-breakfast (night prior)//

+ miserable. freaking out to the point of almost puking, in frustrated frightened tears, because I cannot decide on breakfast options. Yes it's stupid. but it's true. there are SO many choices, too many combinations. i don't know which one is the RIGHT ONE. I can't do applejuice or cranapple because every else does and that's THEIRS. it would look like I wasn't trying. I can't do an apple because I had one yesterday, and I can't do an orange because I'll have on on Sunday and I CAN'T "double" days. BUT a banana would be the "easy choice," AND I CAN'T do a banana if I do OJ because it'll screw up my stomach. I can't do grape because "it's my favorite" & thus the easy option. So if I get OJ & an orange I CAN'T double that on Sunday... but it IS a possibility. Hm. Maybe. It'll force me to "break the pattern" which can get too rigid. BUT CEREAL! I need to "try" Rice Krispies, BUT I'm STILL SCARED of the Cheerios, AND I actually have NO DATA for the Chex... which I think is the ONLY ONE I CAN'T get a single-serving of at home to try. Krispies are "easier" because of HAVEN memories, but "scary" because rice. BUT SAME WITH CHEX, which I FORGET. But I can do those next week? Or is it "chickening out" to NOT do them now? But I'd be a COWARD for NOT retrying the Cheerios. BUT EVERYONE PICKS CHEERIOS. The Chex would be the "challenge" in that respect. You see why I'm miserable. Jesus help me please.



post-breakfast//

+ Today's topic: OBSESSIONS, COMPULSIONS, & BEHAVIORS. What are we struggling with? What are the "RULES?" What "MUST" be done? WHY? What is the PURPOSE, or INTENDED GOAL/ RESULT, of these O/C/Bs?? What DISTORTIONS are present? What EMOTIONS are we feeling AS A RESULT OF THESE THOUGHTS? Are their action urges JUSTIFIED? Why or why not?
= Cannot "repeat" food choices twice in a row; every day MUST be different from the previous, "or I'm being lazy/ stubborn"
= Must have "even distribution" of choices over week, to be "fair" & "to make sense"? Uneven numbers "wrong"
= Must ALWAYS choose the "MOST CHALLENGING/ DIFFICULT" option, "or I'm being a coward/ stubborn"
= Must "get taste data"/ be conscious of eating or it "doesn't count"; "have to do it over"
= Must eat foods in "proper combinations," or it is "disordered/ improper" and "careless"
= NOT ALLOWED to CHOOSE foods that I "like"; that's "self-indulgent"/ addictive/ lazy/ cowardly"
= MUST (PARADOXICALLY) "LIKE" EVERYTHING THAT OTHERS LIKE to avoid offense? + NOT like what THEY dislike?? "DEFINED BY ORDERS"
✳ "Enjoying things"/ "pl*sre" is WRONG/ BAD" → "Suffering is GOOD because it is NOT enjoyable and IS brave↓"
"I must always be brave/ strong" "I must always do the most difficult thing↓" "I must always push myself harder"
"I must be GOOD↓" → "Good is SELFLESS" → "My own feelings & preferences don't matter"
"I must be PURE/ PERFECT" → "Goodness is UNCONTAMINATED" "Goodness DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES/ BAD CHOICES"
"I must be OBEDIENT" → "to be GOOD" "unselfish" "self-sacrificial"
✳ "KNOWLEDGE" obsession? Fear of "not knowing." Mystery = FAILURE TO LEARN??? Compulsion TO "find out"?
✳ "Not allowed to like foods" PERPETUATES "fear food" phenomenon? RESISTS RECOVERY because then there's "NO CHALLENGES???" "Recovery = LIKING EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M TOLD TO"??? UNTRUE!!! (SELF-DESTRUCTION; REPLACE SELF WITH "OTHER")
✳ Obsessing over 'CHOOSING" "one thing over another" = "ALL OR NOTHING." scared of "cruelty/ offense/ REJECTION," even with food (inanimate)
✳ Ultimate goals are ORDERLINESS, PROGRESS, BRAVERY, KNOWLEDGE, OBEDIENCE, DISCIPLINE, SPECIFICITY? PROPRIETY? "GOODNESS." Harmony/ elegance/ cooperation? "Aesthetic" agreement, as well as "choreography" OF choices?? INTENTIONALITY; making impulsive/ "indulgent" decisions is LAZY = BAD. Lazy is COWARDLY, no effort, no strength, no elegance. DIFFICULTY is valued to PROVE STRENGTH, and to PREVENT STAGNANCY? BUT "STRUCTURE" is often repeated? "Elegant;" effective distribution/ planning sticks. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Surprise changes (chosen by TEAM) ARE welcome, BUT MY OWN CHOICES MUST FIT SOME GREATER ORDER? They must be WISE, INFORMED, & CHALLENGING? But then I NEVER REST, AND I KEEP "MAKING NEW CHALLENGES TO FACE/ PROBLEMS TO SOLVE"!!! We did the SAME THING in 2017!!! The thought of "making an EASY/ COMFORTABLE" choice feels REPULSIVE? It would "seriously damage" my MORAL INTEGRITY?? Because "BEING GOOD = SUFFERING"???? "Liking" things is CONDEMNED; WHY?? Feels "OBTRUSIVE"? PREVENTS "CHALLENGE"??? ASSERTS "SELF"???

↑ EMOTIONAL RESPONSES/ ACTION URGES = JUSTIFICATION?
✳ SCARED of "choosing the wrong thing"? NOT the food itself-- ANY of them, IF "CORRECT," would be fine & non-threatening? But I'm "scared" of the "CHOOSING WRONG"?? When I obsess, I think "I HAVE to figure out the SMARTEST/ MOST CHALLENGING option"? I will make DATA SHEETS even!! Do I fear a threat to my "WELL-BEING"??? But fear FOCUSES ON ESCAPING DANGER. WHAT IS THE DANGER? Notably, "wrong" would be the EASY, COMMON, HABITUAL, OR "OUT OF PLACE" CHOICE? The GOAL IS HEALING = REQUIRES "ILLNESS"!!!!!
✳ ALSO tied to DISGUST: "wrong" choosing could SERIOUSLY DAMAGE my SENSE OF MORALITY/ INTEGRITY?? & ORDERLINESS? "THINGS WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG" = CONTAMINATION FEAR!! "Wrong" choices "DON'T WORK/ BELONG" TOGETHER??? "HAPHAZARD"; "uncontrolled/ wild"; "CANCEROUS"
✳ ALSO tied to ANGER: "Important goal" of GOODNESS/ ORDER/ INTEGRITY being BLOCKED by "cowardice/ laziness/ carelessness/ stubbornness"? THOSE qualities are "DISEASES"/ "SPIRITUALLY SICKENING" and MUST BE "HEALED" THROUGH EFFORT/ ACTION/ PRECISION, and the DISCIPLINE to FOLLOW THE RULES/ BE IN PROPER ORDER. No sloppiness or "carefree" behavior. ANGER fights ALL these "ugly tendencies" to OVERCOME those obstacles by FORCE and to STOP FURTHER THREATS. The problem is, ANGER SEES "SELF-INDULGENCE" as a threat and "SELF-DISCIPLINE" as the ideal, so it "DISCIPLINES" the "BAD CHILD" through VIOLENCE & VERBAL ABUSE, with the intended goal of "crushing" all inclination to be "soft & weak & sensual & sloppy & EVIL" -- qualities we ALSO associate with FATNESS. If "fat = evil" then "thin = good" AND "strong = good"? It's a mess. Being "big" FILLS US WITH "ARROGANT RAGE"??? Like the sheer SIZE of our body ELICITS POWER-ABUSIVE TENDENCIES??? WHY. Is it the desperate drive to DESTROY THE FAT=SLOVENLY RISK??? So much disgust. The "clean freak" obsession gets SO BAD. "MUST discipline/ control/ tame/ etc. this WILD/ ANIMALISTIC/ DISORDERED THING." Ironically, the eating disorder got WORSE through the hypercontrolling. ALL EXTREMES ARE UNHEALTHY!
✳ SADNESS: kicks in AFTER ANGER & self-destructive consequences; "things are not the way you hoped/ wanted/ expected" & "PERMANENT LOSS." "I did not behave the way I SHOULD" = "I HOPED I could be GOOD; I WANTED to be BRAVE; I EXPECTED to be SMART ENOUGH... but I WASN'T"??? LOSS = FAILURE TO BE GOOD/ PERFECT = ALL OR NOTHING: "THEN I'M BAD." Keeps cycling back to annihilatory RAGE, WHILE SOBBING typically.
✳ GUILT: "BEHAVIOR VIOLATES MORAL CODE." Obvious & self-explanatory. ALL my decisions are "MORALLY RIGHT OR WRONG", no matter how small.
✳ SHAME: "If my actions/ characteristics are REVEALED, I will be REJECTED BY THE "GOOD"/ BY "REAL CHRISTIANS"!!!" VERY powerful with "bad [food] choices" because those are ON THE TRAY FOR ALL TO SEE, & my choices are RECORDED BY TEAM. SO, if I "chicken out" and choose the EASY option, OR the SAME THING repeatedly, THAT COWARDLY LAZINESS WILL BE REVEALED AND I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO "SET A GOOD EXAMPLE" OR "BE A GOOD, OBEDIENT, BRAVE GIRL" ANYMORE-- the "secret sin" is APPARENT and I AM DOOMED. NO SECOND CHANCES!!!
YOU F*CKED UP AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT BACK, THE "DEED IS DONE" YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE, ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED THE "COMFY OPTION"!!!!

I chose whole milk instead of chocolate and I AM A F*CKING COWARD!!!
I didn't choose it because I'M TRYING to cut down on the sugar
NO EXCUSES YOU F*CKING LAZYASS COWARD
do I have to
I don't want it I dont like all the sugar
ANd, And mr. doctor SAID! dont obsess!
BUT But WE HAVe tO
CANT CHICKEN OUT DON'T BE SO F*CKING LAZY
DO THE HARD THING
STOP LOOKING FOR "EASY" WAYS OUT STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUFFERING!!!!

ISNT THIS SUFFERING ENOUGH

NO
THIS DOESN'T COUNT THIS IS DISCIPLINE FOR YOUR SELFINDULGENT ASS
LEARN TO DO THE RIGHT THING
STOP CHICKENING OUT!!!
MAN THE F*CK UP!!!!



(1) I didn't choose chocolate milk because I was scared of the sugar taste
(2) EVERYONE is choosing chocolate milk
(3) IT'S THEIRS, SAVE IT FOR THEM
(4) IT'S COMMON, SET A BRAVE EXAMPLE BY DOING DIFFERENT
(5) BUT IT'S A CHALLENGE FOR US
(6) IT'S MORE OF A "CHALLENGE" NOT TO CHOOSE IT, APPARENTLY
(7) F*CK YOU THAT'S A HOLLOW EXCUSE
YOU RAN AWAY. ON PURPOSE. YOU CHICKENED OUT


(8) what is the bravest choice, for real, what is "GOOD"
what is "effective"


(9) Our GOAL is to BE BRAVE.
The MOST "EFFECTIVE" THING would be to
- ADMIT we chickened out
- FIX THE DECISION
WHICH WE DID
I'M PROUD OF YOU
SEE I KNEW YOU WEREN'T REALLY A COWARD.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT ANYONE
IT CAN ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER
BY FACING YOUR FEAR OF "SUGAR"
AND REALIZING IT CAN'T HURT YOU/ US
"REMEMBER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID"
ALL THE CHOICES HAVE NUTRITION
EVEN THE SCARY ONES.






post-dinner/

We were too "proud." We drank it cold & couldn't taste it. The FAILURE distracted us for the whole meal. How ironic. "No right choice." BUT in MEMORY we have data, thanks to Jesus's mercy. We're sorry for our arrogance in "proving ourselves." Please, please forgive our foolish heart.
+ For the record. We DIDN'T "chicken out on Rice Krispies-- they were OUT! So we bravely retried the Chex, AND tasted it this time-- NOT soaking it, but NOT eating it by hand either. We used minimal milk & used a spoon, all proper. The taste, esp. unwet, DOES trigger "trauma echoes." It's humbling & horrifying to REALIZE & REMEMBER JUST HOW BAD THINGS WERE back then. But FEAR NOT!! God has brought us to recovery and we NEVER have to go through that hell again!! In time, we pray, those memories will fade, and the Chex will be "free" & "innocent" again, too. THAT'S WHAT WE WANT with ALL trauma/ fear foods! THAT'S why we're SO DETERMINED NOT to "chicken out"-- THAT PREVENTS HEALING, PERPETUATES FEAR, and KEEPS BOTH ME & THE FOOD STUCK IN A TRAUMA MINDSET!! WE WANT TO BE FREE, and FREEDOM ONLY COMES THROUGH LOVE!! THAT is how to forgive & move on-- you NEED that GRACE first!! So please, PLEASE, pray constantly & sincerely for it!! We CAN'T be "Good" on our own-- we CAN'T be TRULY BRAVE on our own either. WE NEED GOD. We need to do it WITH HIS POWER and FOR HIS FLORY, THROUGH HIS LOVE!!! And tragically we failed to do that tonight. We were SO carried away with self-hatred & PRIDE, wanting to be "brave" but FOR THE WRONG REASON-- almost to spite ourself, DEFINITELY with a smug "victory over stupidity" vibe, shame on us-- that we DIDN'T HONESTLY THINK OF GOD. He WASN'T our primary focus. We didn't choose the chocolate milk TO LET HIS MERCY WORK THROUGH US, but to chastise ourselves for "being weak." And GOD BRINGS DOWN THE PROUD!!! Which He SURE DID for our misguided ass, and THANK YOU GOD FOR DOING SO, because we NEEDED this lesson, DESPERATELY. We could NEVER hope to "make the good choice" WITHOUT YOU, the SOURCE & SUMMIT OF ALL GOOD!! On our own we WERE doomed to fail, no matter HOW hard we tried; our mind was ENTIRELY IN THE WRONG SPACE. I felt that last night, trying to figure out the juice datasheet. It felt so exasperating & distressing; I didn't even PRAY because I was so obsessed & MISERABLE. God I am so, so sorry. Please, CHANGE MY HEART!!! Help me TO pray, REALLY pray, WITHOUT abandoning recovery & "thinking I don't have to care about life anymore." Loving & worshipping You IS LIFE, and I want to do that WITH my life-- ALL OF IT!! I desperately, fervently want YOU to be PRESENT in ALL aspects of my daily life & work, NOT JUST IN RECITED PRAYER. We can't be TRUE friends if I only ever talk to You & spend time with You in "prepackaged" ways-- yes, those prayers are STILL Good & Beautiful, BUT I'M saying them in RITUAL OBLIGATION, something "to be done" by the schedule; I SHOULD be-- and I WANT to be-- inviting You to be with me in MY HUMANITY. Right now, You feel SO "unapproachable," SO "pure & Almighty," that I TREMBLE to talk to You, let alone EAT & COOK & WRITE & DREAM with You. And that's SO TRAGICALLY WRONG. Please, God-- LET ME KNOW YOU. Please, BE MY FRIEND. Hang out with me at breakfast. Share that PopTart. Guide me through lunch. Discuss DBT with me. Let's sit on the patio together. Let's listen to Lofi music together. Let's LIVE, in ALL the little moments, TOGETHER, and so CONSECRATE ALL OF MY LIFE to YOU, dearest Lord... no exceptions. SOLI DEO GLORIA.

Dear us:

It's almost ironic; I would never blame or hate or condemn any of us for the things "I'm" struggling to face-- so why the hypocrisy? Honestly right now I don't know, because right now I'm NOT in that isolatory mindset. And maybe that's the key-- the simple yet profound answer-- that "self-compassion" is inevitable when I stop pretending that "I" am the only "I" in here.

I love all you guys. ALL of you. All the Socials, all the Retributors, all the trauma-loaded Chthonics and all the Daengels. Every single Spectrum-soul is beloved to me. And, as incredible as it still sounds and feels... I cannot deny that YOU seem to ALL feel the same way about me. This morning was PROOF of that. Don't ever let me forget that-- because the REAL "me," the TRUE CORE of this System, IS compassion, both the one who loves AND who is loved. I need to have my heart open to receive love in order TO give it.

So the fact that I CAN write this letter is actually a huge source of hope. Evidently, I AM open to real love, even if hesitantly, or secretly. But I am.

So. Slight topic switch.

I want to say, "this isn't about me, it's about us!" But I am PART of us, too! And I WANT to be; I LOVE being part of the System-- yet, I inexplicably keep pulling back. Why? Is it shame, or guilt? You'd never damn me for the things WE'VE suffered OR the mistakes WE'VE made; we're ALL responsible and we're ALL STILL WORTHY OF FORGIVENESS & HOPE & LOVE, even when we screw up-- or, as I like to say, "especially then."

I can feel a lot of lingering frustration & regret & grief over the past, from many of us. But none of it is cruel. Even the most bitter outbursts of pain are coming from a wounded heart that didn't want those awful things to happen. Ultimately we ALL want each other to be healthy & healed & happy. In the end, we can't hate each other. There's no judgment, when you get to the heart of it-- only compassion. Even if we DO bluntly acknowledge our poor choices & failures to be kind in the past, we've collectively reached an honestly amazing point of psychospiritual maturity where we CAN face up to our biggest screw-ups and not self-destruct over them-- SOLELY because we are now tapped into that heart of compassion, of mercy, of love. It's inundated us all by now, thank God. We don't get reset attempts or bluescreens or apocalypses anymore. Yeah we still ache, but darn it we're aching TOGETHER, and that's something!!

Nevertheless. I can be too cerebral even in this.

Compassion cannot exist only as a theory, or an idea, or even as a nicely worded letter. Love only truly exists in ACTIVE RELATIONSHIP.
You've gotta DO something FOR someone, if you want to realize those virtues. Anf you've gotta BE someone who THEY can give love to in return.

When my poor discombobulated brain starts to flinch or forget that, remind me of that. Remind me of all of you-- and not just as names!! Remind me of YOUR SELVES-- of the faces and lives of the souls I KNOW and who know me... the souls that I love, and who love me in return.

It's always so difficult to confess & admit that, to write you all down.
I still don't know why. But let's start there, because it's ancient, and we HAVE to finally overcome that, COLLECTIVELY.

It's shame-- shame AT my love for others, and at their love for me?
What's so shameful about it? What's so "shameful" about tenderness & compassion? Why do I fear that it's "WRONG" to feel that love, for or from others?
I don't want to be miserable anymore, imprisoned by that corrupt mindset. After all, I couldn't "be ashamed" if I WASN'T actually IN that love, so there's some solid hope already.

Listen. I've been rambling for three pages and I still haven't gotten to the true point, the real heart, of this whole thing.



(left unfinished)

+ All right so OUT OF THE BLUE I have been SLAMMED with body dysphoria this morning. I'm honestly suspecting that it's because I figured out that Team wants me to hit like 120LBS, AT LEAST??? I literally have NOT been that heavy in OVER 13 YEARS. And I am ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED at the thought. I don't know HOW to even think of that number/ weight WITHOUT immediately associating it with the SAME terror & shame I felt at age 13 or so, when this hell started. I don't know how to handle this weight-- this size-- without also feeling like it has doomed me to that hell of abuse all over again-- abuse that ONLY began AND continued BECAUSE of my body. I've effectively been at war with it since then for that same reason. Starving & purging to "become small" again was my ONLY voice, my ONLY protest against the horror of feeling like I was trapped in the body of a whore. I DON'T EVER WANT TO FEEL THAT AGAIN.
...The problem is, it's already started. The body shape is shifting, becoming terrifying & threatening, trapping me again. The hack nightmares have returned. The dysphoria is DEAFENING, already.
I don't know what to do. THIS IS WHY I WAS TRYING TO STARVE THIS BOY INTO EITHER "SAFETY" OR DEATH. This horrific fatness, PERSONIFIED IN EVERY ABUSER, is synonymous with rape. That's it, that's the blunt confession. It feels so WRONG. I would rather die than live like this because THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE PHYSICAL HELL OF A ""HEALTHY"" BODY.
...Not being able to feel my bones feels so wrong. Having this "solid thickness" to my abdomen feels WRONG!! I feel like a brute! I feel like a wall, like a boorish bully, like a stubborn arrogant forceful CRUEL HARSH ABUSER. obtrusive & offensive. "Shove this weight around." It's like what TBAS always said about why they hated THEIR weight, too-- that it was this horrible, thick barrier between the outside & inside-- like the TRUE "him," the REAL "Oliver," his heart, was being SUFFOCATED & BURIED beneath a hell of flesh & fat. They couldn't reach theirself because THEIR BODY WAS IN THE WAY. ...And now I feel like that, too. I feel that thick heabiness & it feels ANGRY, VIOLENT & MEAN. I miss being small. I miss being THIN ENOUGH TO FEEL MY SOUL INSTEAD OF THIS BODY. I wrap my arms around this abdomen and I can't feel myself anymore; all I feel is F*KING "FLESH." FILTH SIN UGLY HEAVY WRONG DISGUSTING FAT
I'm too far away. I feel like my identity is being devoured by the body's sheer weight, its "force," its... "inherently abusive" quality. Thick, brutish. Ironically there's an even worse fear. Being a "whore." The bigger this body is, the more other people CAN use it & grab it & take it & destroy ME. The hellfire won't go away. I WANT TO DIE. WE WOULD RATHER THIS BODY DIE THAN TURN INTO A WHOREHOUSE

I desperately keep trying to find other options. exit doors that aren't starvation.
BUT WE MUST BE SMALLER WE MUST BE PURE & CLEAR & LIGHT & SAFE & GOOD
AND UNTOUCHED, UNUSABLE, UNDEFILED, UNADULTERATED
BY EITHER FOOD OR THOSE F*KING WOMEN


God please
please do i have to be a w*mn??
do i have to be like this forever?


what do we do, right now, WHAT DO WE DO
----- we can barely write the terror is so intense we just want to SCREAM and THROW UP

WE WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LIVE LIKE THIS!!!




We've noticed that in "trying to find hope" we default to TRAUMA MECHANISMS, which involve further "fawning/ imitating" & self-annihilation to "survive the unbearable." the MOST LETHAL "hope" is "GIVING IN" to the R*PE of "femininity" And FORCING the ABUSE
it would be to "give up fighting" and "just do what we're told/ expected to do & endure" by "accepting" the body changes
NO

WE CAN'T, WE WON'T, THAT'S REAL SUICIDE!!!


she's right. that's the hard but (God please) profoundly relieving truth.
WE DON'T "HAVE TO" PLEASE WE CANT. PLEASE LISTEN
JUST LISTEN TO US IT WOULD KILL US.
YOU KNOW THAT. WE ALL DO!!!
so what do we do.      EVEN THE ABUSERS
THAT'S WHY THEY DID IT
THE ABUSE ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL FORCING US TO BE "

I CAN'T SAY IT



but it all comes back to this.
our childhood, our innocence, our purity, our LIFE, our very SELF was FORCED TO DIE
SO THAT THEY COULD TURN OUR BODY INTO "A F*KING W*MAN!!!!!"

NO
NEVER AGAIN!!!!




we're at an impasse
we're stuck, trapped, terrified, lost, so so so scared make it stop
but
the changes Are here alrEAdy
we cANt EscApE

THE KIDs ARE fREAKINg ouT

AND WITH GOOD REASON

I CAN HELP

NOT HERE, THEY WON'T LET YOU

Is that truly our only remaining option?

GOD I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D EVER HAVE TO SERIOUSLY CONSIDER RETRIBUTION AGAIN.



there has to be another way.



infi's function broke, ze doesn't know how to handle this either
nobody does


LISTEN CAN WE GET AUTOPILOT OUT FOR A WHILE
TO JUST GET SOME DATA DOWN
TURN OFF THIS TERROR FOR A BIT
I Hope



WE'VE GOTTA FIND HOPE, DAMN IT. THAT'S OUR ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE THIS.


(dissociating)
                                (shutdown?)





ETERNITY
ETERNITY
ETERNITY
INFI LET THAT BE YOUR NEW CORE
REMIND US OF THE BIGGEST PICTURE
"THIS TOO SHALL PASS"
MEANING EVERYTHING OF THIS WORLD
ESPECIALLY THIS HELL.
(MATTHEW 22:30)    (MATTHEW 19:12)
this can't be forever
but even so
what do we do now?



the bottom line is always the same intolerable stupid awful admission that we can't seem to change without a notably deadly degree of forced dissociation, dishonesty, and self destruction.
our "inmost" conviction of identity/ "selfhood" is not a woman. arguably it might not even be "female," at least, not as long as that term is sxually defined.
our biggest, morally compatible hopes, all come from catholic mystics. all the meditations and visions and "ecstasies" that TRANSCEND GENDER & SEXUALITY YET REMAIN VIRGINAL.
And God we NEED THAT. Our soul cries for it. We KNOW we ARE that way, undeniably, at our very core. AND IT'S MORALLY LEGITIMATE. SEVERAL ACTUAL SAINTS both wrote about AND lived it!!
THERE IS NO "GENDER BINARY" / "SEXUAL DIMORPHISM" IN HEAVEN!!!
OTHERWISE CHRIST COULDN'T BE EVERYONE'S BRIDEGROOM
(also matthew 12:49-50? and 22:30? & 1 corinthians 7:34, 6:17? romans 8:4)


...honestly though I CANNOT "try to justify" this OR "make excuses." like it or not, "God created them MALE & FEMALE."
even if our souls are untouched by sexuality (& gender???), our bodies ARE. and I MUST learn to ACCEPT & LIVE WITH THAT.




   

from the shore, I see you struggling through rough waters.
from the field, I hear you trudging through the woods.

Many have called out to you, seeking to guide you, but
their words are landlocked, mowed clean as a lawn.
They speak of destination, not distress.
You cannot remember that language,
and they cannot see a clear path.

The problem is, there isn't one.
The solution is, there is still a path.

But it's soaked by waves and billows,
pierced with thorns and briars.

The path is painful, and difficult,
but it is there,
and it leads to right where you are.

I know, because I have been there.
I know, because I have walked it before.

So I dive into the sea, and I press through the hedges.
I see you. I recognize this place.
You are not alone.

Take my hand; let's leave this painful place together.

The noise of the world can drown out the voice of God. Taking time to be still and read God's Word-- even five minutes a day-- will allow You to hear His Voice.
What do you need to do to "unplug" from the hustle and bustle of the world?
How will you begin to make time to listen-- and hear-- from God?

This unit is VERY noisy during meals, and often during free time, which typically makes me dissociate from sheer overwhelm. Even alone in my room, the complex & arduous work of recovery-- both coping & planning-- take up so much of my cognitive effort & time. But I'm STILL yearning for God; even if the intensity of that true hunger is somewhat muffled lately, it never disappears, and my faith constantly makes itself known again like sunlight through clouds. Morning & night prayers are key; so is mealtime prayer. But I MUST regularly read Scripture DURING THE DAY, too-- even if only a line every hour. I MUST stay connected!

GUIDANCE FOR TODAY...

+ TALK to Jesus!! Prayer isn't just recitation; THAT'S why you're exhausted! Don't be afraid of Him, OR of His Holy Spirit. They LOVE you and want to HELP you & SAVE you, NOT condemn or hurt you!! Start having CONVERSATIONS with them-- heart to Heart.
+ START READING THE GOSPELS IN A LINEAR FASHION-- no jumping around! I want to read them SO BADLY, and now is a perfect time to start! (Bring the Bible to backup!!)
+ USE TINY PRAYERS OFTEN. Little expressions of love & thanks, brief but sincere visualized reflections on the Life of Christ, a line from a hymn or psalm, a simple trusting cry for help... those ALL COUNT AS PRAYER, and they WILL keep your heart in CONSTANT communion! ♡

+ I had a brutal dream hack this morning; Chaos 0 DID rush over to help & protect me but he struggled; I was so deeply shaken and terrified. ...Ironically, I ALSO apparently forgot JUST HOW TRAUMATIC hacks were/are. I could barely get out of bed-- Julie had to do it for me, the only nousfoni who COULD bravely & safely do so. I threw all my clothes in the wash, thoroughly brushed my teeth, & just stood in the hot shower for a while, talking to & being supported/ comforted/ loved by the CoreGroup and others close by-- Chaos 0, Ryou, Marik, Genesis, Laurie, Julie, Infinitii, Lethe, & Knife. Looking back on it all... God absolutely works in mysteriously gracious ways. "What luck." That horrible hack FAILED to accomplish its evil scheme-- it DIDN'T and COULD NOT damage me, inside OR outside; it CAN'T and NEVER WILL, because-- as I said yesterday-- my soul & self are in GOD'S HANDS and NO evil can touch them there. Oh but it tries, terribly so. Mortal life IS spiritual warfare, BUT CHRIST HAS ALREADY WON, and the proof of that victory was SO clear & beautifully tangible in the souls that surrounded mine in the aftershock of battle, who shared my scars THROUGH the closeness of our hearts, bound forever in compassionate fidelity.
...And what do you know. Little miracles, yet again-- today's devotion is EXACTLY THIS. "The devil is your enemy. So he IS going to throw everything he has at you!" BUT "you MUST tough it out, stay strong, and endure," AND "when the evil one attacks, GIVE THANKS"-- "Thank God for being ABLE to BRING GOOD out of EVERYTHING; praise Him for giving you the unique chance to SEE His Power in your life; Worship the ONE TRUE GOD, Who loves you and ALWAYS has a LOVING PURPOSE in ALL He permits in your life, and Who will NOT let the evil one snatch you away!! Thank God for the spiritual strength & grace you gain BY BRAVELY ENDURING all trials!!" Battles MUST happen, BECAUSE as Christ's Soldiers of Light, we are ALWAYS at war with the furious forces of hell that seek to destroy us. THEREFORE, every assault IS "PROOF" that we are ENEMIES OF THE DEVIL, and that is absolutely a reason to give thanks to God FOR calling us to be His! And of course, our ENTIRE LIFE HISTORY IS SOLID PROOF & EVIDENCE of GOD'S POWERFUL ABILITY TO BRING GOOD OUT OF ALL EVIL'S EFFORTS, proving HIS SOVEREIGNTY and INDOMITABLE POWER and ETERNAL VICTORY. Looking back, GOD ABSOLUTELY had a LOVING PURPOSE to every orchestration, and He ALWAYS PROTECTED US. That's what this morning was about, too... the triumph of Love over ALL evil, no matter WHAT evil tries to do. God's Power is SHEER LOVE, and it NEVER FAILS, and so we CAN march into battle unafraid, relying SOLELY & TOTALLY on HIS STRENGTH & PROTECTION & POWER TO SAVE. "Our own arm CANNOT win the fight-- but God WILL!" He ALWAYS DOES-- after all, it is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE for God to lose! So take heart, take comfort, take courage, & SOLDIER ON. ♥



post-group//

+ A quick note: "Self-compassion" group threw us WAY off center, because it put me in a position of seeing "I" as SINGULAR. And I've noticed that EVERY TIME I deny and/or cut myself off from the System, I CANNOT TRULY BE MYSELF-- and therefore, I CANNOT TRULY LOVE. The instant I DO embrace US, that natural compassion just flows into my/ our heart. But THIS IS NOT NEW! I CAN'T FUNCTION ALONE-- ESPECIALLY not without my connection to the CoreGroup and being so inebriated with that LOVE, which we all mutually share-- I need that to LIVE, let alone function IN life!! God gave me/ made me this System FOR A REASON, TOO!! Again, REMEMBER THIS MORNING. Remember Chaos 0 holding you close to protect you. Remember Genesis crying to see you so shaken. Remember Infinitii praying with you and Julie helping you keep going and BOTH of them KNOWING EXACTLY what it felt like, to suffer in such an awful way. Remember Laurie always, always reassuring us all of the deeper truth, the bigger picture. Remember them, and love them, and LET THEM LOVE YOU, TOO! Honestly, practice just opening your heart to that, and LETTING it flood you with light. ♥

post-breakfast//

+ Quick breakfast notes-- I completely re-did last Thursday's breakfast, and succeeded beautifully, thanks be to God. First off, I can now say with grateful assurance that BOTH the banana AND chocolate milk are "disarmed." I think I actually LIKE the banana? And I'm not scared of the milk-- I just don't prefer chocolate! The taste does remind me of Astra & Jade's "Ovaltine" from childhood, which is nice. And the straight cocoa taste still reminds me of grandma's baking. I'll review the memory data more; I CAN now, since the fear blinders are gone! Again, thank You God! Oh-- and I ALSO had BOTH the honey & apple jelly again-- and ENJOYED them! Honestly, today is teaching me something VITAL... when I meet life with an open heart, a curious & grateful mind, and a loving disposition, EVERYTHING becomes colored by that light; every edge is softened & all bitterness is sweetened. It's the Grace of God at work. I'm learning, too, in that blessing of hope, to LIVE in the PRESENT, unafraid & trusting in God's Good Will & unfailing protective Love for me. And every moment is saturated with eternity. I'm... learning to exist, really. God continue to help me do so in love, and to keep my heart & mind open to You. ♥

post-breakfast//

+ I apologize that I haven't been journaling-- I've been focused on workbooks instead, as those are directly contributing to my recovery; this journal is secondary, only for reflection & processing. On that note, I'm continuing to face "fear/ worry foods" and I'm ALSO continuing to see those anxiety levels fall! Today I had the french toast w/ syrup, and I WASN'T SCARED AT ALL! I'm learning to legit enjoy it. Next week I think I'll try it with jelly? Grandma liked hers that way. ♥ Today the texture was lovely, both chewy & soft. Honestly the jury's still out on the syrup, opinion-wise, but THAT, too, is becoming less scary! Same with the applesauce-- BUT, bizarrely, of ALL the remaining "fear foods," THAT ONE is the most stubborn?? Which is bizarre! The "apple" is fine-- apples aren't frightening anymore; just slightly anxious yet-- BUT the ACT OF EATING IT IS??? The texture and watery-but-not-fluid-OR-gelly consistency evokes DREAD when I eat it-- SO DOES THE SPOON??? So APPARENTLY, there is SOME SORT OF "TRAUMA" involving EATING WITH A SPOON, NOTABLY A PLASTIC ONE (they have that particular shape & depth)!! And honestly, looking at THAT data, I wonder-- I think ALL foods feel "unsafe/ humiliating/ dreadful" when eaten with a plastic spoon. Assumedly a METAL one, shallow & rounder, would NOT have that effect? I will have to experiment. NEVERTHELESS, even the thought of eating applesauce with a fork is scary, because apparently the APPLESAUCE is still frightening on its own; it's not just the spoon. All I can figure is that the family dinner stress was higher than I can imagine now? I'm stumped. Ah well. Regardless of context blur/ loss, I can STILL heal & positivize it NOW... I hope!! But I'll take it one day at a time. No rushing, no forcing. I'll do what I can & we'll see what happens.
+ NOW. About tomorrow morning! I've decided on the banana again-- I can finally FEEL the seeds of "liking" it; ESPECIALLY when cold!-- but my brain is, as usual, obsessively freaking out over the dear muffin, because "that's or only proper chance to try the jelly AND honey again safely!!" Well, we CAN put honey in tea, OR on the Sunday cream cheese even, AND jelly can go on it too, or the french toast... BUT, really, they're right-- adding jelly/ honey would markedly disturb the integrity of those meals? The muffin feels safer, BECAUSE MOM puts honey & jelly on muffins! So we're debating. I think honey tomorrow, jelly on Friday-- because tomorrow also has a banana, which is tied in childhood memory TO honey? But I don't want to be disordered by putting honey ON it, either. So it's a stressful decision. WE COULD JUST SAY "NO," YOU KNOW!!! WE ARE ALLOWED TO EAT THE MUFFIN PLAIN, THE WAY WE LIKE IT!! And that IS true, and actually MAYBE WE SHOULD-- this "compulsive" choice is UNHEALTHY; it's "teaching us" TO GIVE IN TO COMPULSIONS, no matter how "healthy" they seem!! Using a condiment "BECAUSE WE HAVE TO"/ "BECAUSE WE DON'T "LIKE IT" ENOUGH YET" is TOXIC. It's not coming from a state of FREE, CLEAR CHOICE. And until it is, we should practice saying "NO" and LEARNING TO COPE WITH THE OCD "REFUSAL PANIC!!" Literally, there's this solid fear that IF we "SAY NO" to a "THOUGHT ORDER" or "right compulsion"-- an obsessive forced choice that appears to be well-intentioned-- we will "REGRET IT" and "be SORELY PUNISHED FOR OUR STUBBORN, WILLFUL DISOBEDIENCE/ RESISTANCE/ CONTRARINESS." But TOWARDS WHOM??? It sure isn't GOD insisting we "MUST" eat honey & jelly "or else we'll have DONE THE WRONG THING"!!! The assumption is, "if you DON'T like/ want a food, and REFUSE to therefore eat it WHEN you have the chance to, YOU ARE A MORAL COWARD and therefore you don't ACTUALLY want to "get better" because you're not MAKING YOURSELF OVERCOME THOSE FEARS/ DISLIKES (seen as synonymous)!!!" So we can't win/ do good at ALL, UNLESS/ UNTIL WE DO "like them." Which just PROMOTES BINGE BEHAVIOR VIA DESPERATELY "FORCING" EXPOSURE "TO HEAL ALREADY." THAT'S DISORDERED!!!