Hm.
Similar to yesterday, I'm currently trying to enter a contest on Aywas, where I must create a personality for a custom pet in order to win it. Said pet is a sparkly purple bat; of course I'm trying to win it! (I'm NOT going back to the site after this though; it's too tiring.)
However, I've realized a problem... despite my alleged "creativity," I'm having a great deal of difficulty thinking of anything for this.
Seriously, I have about twelve personality generators up right now, but I cannot seem to "imagine a personality" around the traits I'm given. I'm so used to "narrowing everything down" to lists, that I am actually struggling to see a "person" in those lists now.
I've also encountered a very surprising difficulty elsewhere: the first "idea" I had for this pet's personality was that of a young artist, who is blind (the pet has milky eyes) but, being a bat, can use echolocation to see. However they cannot "see" colors this way, and this pains them. So I was trying to think of how they would work to overcome that, but as soon as I got to that point in the draft, something in my head went "how cheesy and childish is that? Stop making everything into a 'special snowflake' and grow up. Your ideas are all far too immature, naive, cliched, and shallow."
Are they? Am I?

Honestly, I cannot tell. That accusation makes sense. I know I'm still incredibly childish, it causes me a great deal of trouble with societal interactions the way it is. Heck, I even struggle to read "adult" books because I don't understand the darker, violent, and/or businesslike concepts in them. I naturally gravitate towards more simple and innocent things, especially in designs, but all of a sudden I'm feeling like I should be condemned for that? I try to draw cute things, I feel guilty. I try to enjoy the more simple and pure things that children do, and I feel as if I've done something abominable. I'm always crushed by humiliation, not because I don't like what I'm doing, but because I feel so out of place now, both to myself and everyone else.
Part of it is the "body dysphoria" if you still want to call it that. It's not just gender. I've been giving it some sincere thought, and I've realized that my previous confusion over gender wasn't just due to wanting to be nongendered-- it was also due to not wanting to have an adult body. When that hit me, it was like a huge light went on! It's why, as a kid, I didn't care what I was considered: I didn't have any sexual characteristics, so it didn't matter. But when puberty hit, both options I had were wrong. Yes, I admired male bodies more, but that was because to me, they were more androgynous. I think I consciously ignored the fact that they had reproductive organs until I was 18 or so, and could no longer ignore it thanks to the horror of art class. But you already know about that. Point is, I don't know how I never consciously realized this point before. It makes so much sense. I don't just want to be nongendered, I want my body to be in a state where it cannot be sexualized either. Being an adult, even an androgynous one, still makes me feel stuck in this society where all adults live on some totally different plane of reality than children do. I've never felt at home there. So that's what's so bizarre about this extreme "guilt" when I try to be "true to myself" (a phrase that makes no logical sense) and do the things I like, youthful things.
But you know what the weirdest part is, and the biggest sign to me that something is very wrong here? "Adult things"-- everything from finances to politics to relationships-- drain all my joy and make me want to cry, fittingly like a lost child. "I want to go home." It feels like suddenly I've ended up in this different and scary game, where people fight and hurt each other, and no one seems to see things like they used to. And I feel obligated to drown all my imagination and lightheartedness whenever people see me as an adult. (I think that also explains a lot of the Utah trouble I recorded, in hindsight.) But it's FORCED. So why do I feel like I have NO CHOICE but to be a emotionless, mechanical adult, when every time I become aware of that, some little kid inside me starts to cry, begging to just stop? Why, when I try to listen to that part of me and be joyful again, does some loud and shameful part of this "programming" berate me for being immature, stupid, selfish, and wasting time?

I hope that makes sense. I'm very disturbed that I can't seem to "tap into my creativity" now without feeling mortified with shame. Emphasis on that, it's why I keep trying to use strong words. It's the kind of humiliating guilt that makes you want to erase yourself from existence. It's bad! And that from just trying to be playful and bright? Why?
I can't help but think this is strongly tied to the fact that I've forgotten how to feel emotions, which you already know. They no longer make sense to me. Either they feel like they're coming from outside, or they feel utterly senseless and illogical. Like, when anger or sorrow or guilt or sad shame appear. They surge up hugely, but I can feel that tidal wave of emotion, as it hurts a lot, and I just look at it like "what is that? Where did that come from?" And as long as I look at it, it stays down. It fades away or hides in a corner. I don't 'feel' it, I just look at it, detached. But sometimes those emotions are loud and they try to boil under the surface, which is annoying, because of course I'm not going to express something that ridiculous. What do those emotions want me to do? Scream? Cry? Hurt myself or someone else? No way. I'm not falling for your tricks. I'm just going to ignore you, because you will hurt someone. Emotions aren't real anyway, they're just reactions.
But it's weird. Positive emotions are the same way. I'm actually very "frightened" by things like laughter and celebration, at least the sort that I encounter socially. It feels false, fake, and too bright like a spotlight in your eyes. It hurts! I don't like it. That's why I avoid friendships now. Every friendship" I've had in the past has been like that, blinding and painful. People want to play games, or tell jokes, or be silly, or ridiculous, and it's so physically and emotionally straining for me that my autopilot wears out very quickly, causing my composure to collapse, and if I don't get out of there soon I either get violent or start crying. It's so weird! But I don't like friendships now as a result. People who only want to "have fun" make me so tired and sad. I can't do that. I can't play games like you do, it hurts me. But then people don't like to be around me because "you're too emotionless" and "you're so boring" and "no one can relate to you" and "you're not interested in anything!" They get angry and mad at me and that hurts too because is that bad? Is that wrong? I can't force myself to be shallowly "happy" like that anymore. Why does everyone dislike me for that? Why do I care?
I guess I just want to share real joy with someone, the kind I get from my work... but not directly I guess. Direct communication is too overwhelming, I never know how to drive. It's scary. And I don't want to "be a person." Agh it's this again. You know about that though, the "I don't want an identity because then people pay attention to "ME" which is a fake construct, instead of my work which is real and beautiful and makes the identity-less 'me' really happy." So I want fans of my work, not friends. That's all I've ever wanted, actually, now that I look back on my life. It's why I can't "keep friends," because they have 100% different expectations in that respect! But I'm SURE I could "keep" fans, boy oh boy that thought is exciting. Just how do I share things with people, so they can like and love and be happy with those things too? I don't know.
Anyway. Back to the emotion thing. THAT'S what I mean by "real happiness." It's NOT an emotion. It doesn't come from anywhere, like other emotions do. It's more of a state of mind. I get it when I work, when I'M NOT IN THE PICTURE! As soon as I start thinking in terms of "me" and "my" and "I" the happiness goes away. And that's why I don't like the adult world either. Everyone there says you NEED to have "me" and "my" and "I" and I DON'T WANT THOSE.
Oh well. I'm not angry, capslock just gives emphasis. I guess I'm just exasperated? Like why am I still asking questions. I'm thinking too much.

Ironically, fear is the one emotion" that is the most common, and the hardest to ignore. It's because that one is rarely an "emotion" strictly, it's mostly a "protective reaction." So that makes it tricky. I have to constantly wonder, is this fear fake, or is it something I should pay attention to? And that gets frustrating, because when I ignore it, it's almost always a bad move, and I get stuck in a bad situation that makes the fear worse (even though I keep squashing it and insisting it's fake). But when I do give into it, thinking "all right, maybe you have a reason to be afraid," I feel foolish and stupid and embarrassed, and it turns out that whatever I'm afraid of is silly.
Maybe there's a connection? Maybe there's a reason why I tend to ignore the protective fear and acknowledge the silly fear. Maybe subconsciously, I want to pretend that the things my mind is still REALLY afraid of are fake and not real-- something I STILL can't convince myself of 100% although I want to.
I will repeat that again for relevance. I think that's the number one thing I want to tackle in therapy:
"If my past was allegedly painful, but today I can live without looking at the past, does that make the past irrelevant?"
If so, then I can't have PTSD because it doesn't count anymore. BUT then there's the problem of:
"If I am reminded of the past today, in a very direct way, and I instinctively react with fear and pain and deep sadness.. are those emotions still fake, as they are reacting to a fake imagined reality? What do I do with them?"

Time is so weird. I've never understood it much.

 

 

I need to let go of ALL logical analysis and beliefs about reality.
I must stop thinking about it. I must stop thinking about everything.
I was right with one thing: I should NOT EVER update here again.

I'm going to get off the internet for tonight. I might do a bit of art, or read some more Animorphs. I'd like to exercise more but I have to be careful of my medical problems, so I don't make them worse (it happens). Oh well. Not going to worry! BYE!

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:55 pm

 

 

Final post.

"Everything is happening here to aid in your expansion, even that which is disturbing to you."

My closing goals, for therapy and personal work at all times:

1. Remember how to feel emotions again
2. Feel and RELEASE all the pain, anger, fear, sorrow, etc. you never accepted
3. Stop labeling everything as selfish/ sinful/ etc. and stop seeing your self as "evil"
4. Remember how to "have a self" and acknowledge/fulfill your own needs
5. Stop being so logical and analytical about everything, esp. about "being good"
6. You DO have a future. Figure out what YOU want to do with it, with JOY.
7. Just live in love dude. Open your heart and everything's gonna be all right.


And that's it!
Thanks for reading guys, but all that old stuff is closing up now.
It's been fun. Bye!

 

 

 

 

 

LAST UPDATED: 121113

This is a revised sticky post for the sake of keeping a running log of our members.
Although those Underground began this effort, they now help protect the Lowers, so their sub-system will be listed here as well.

The people writing in this journal so far (or who may be allowed to talk in the future) are...

UNDERGROUND
These individuals typically stay below the city, in the catacombs.
They deal with retribution for sins, system balance, and/or preventative action.
RETRIBUTORS
• Knife (#902E64)
• Razor (#A92626)
• Mulberry Delta Brandy (#CB0055)
• Sugar (#FFB1CA)
• Algorith (#FF612C)
OTHERS
• Minty (#47DF98)
• Christina Marie (#D988F2)

MIDS
These individuals stay in the city.
They deal with balancing health: physical and mental. They do not hold trauma.
• Kyanos (#49B1FF)
• Hyakin (#FFC846)
• Sergei (#ABFFAB)
• Aimee (#D2B78E)
• Amara (#FB9A62)

LOWERS
These individuals stay in or below the city.
They deal with balancing health: physical and mental. They may hold trauma.
• Emmett (#269175)
• Jeremiah (#E54B77)
• David (#7E9FED)
• Marigold (#CCDE2E)

DOWNSTAIRS
These individuals do not commonly appear in headspace.
They front easily, and may hold trauma, although this is uncommon.
• Spice (#B67B3D)
• the "overload girl" (#825032)
• Zwei (#F85C4E)
• Einsatz (#00C9B4)
• Sherlock (#8C8C8C)

CURRENTLY UNKNOWN
These individuals either have unclear roles/faces.
• the vanilla-colored boy who frequently types in J's absence (#fff4a3)
• the airport guy (#8075A7)
• At least 3 other unidentified individuals


There are MANY faceless voices that may or may not belong to our systems.
Our lineups are also tentative as we have only recently adopted this organizational structure.


Pictures of all members of our systems are as follows:


UNDERGROUND

Knife:

First evidenced: 061213, via fronting. Fully manifested.
Anchoring began in approximately 2009.
Several handwriting samples, earliest from 071513.

Razor:

First evidenced: October 2009, via trigger forced manifestation, killed within minutes.
Re-manifested on 021012, Tar-forced.
Split from Tar into own single consciousness around 0613.
Several handwriting samples, earliest from 043013.

Mulberry:

First evidenced: 050113, via fronting. Fully manifested.
Two handwriting samples, from 071513 and 082213.

Sugar:

First evidenced: 072213, via manifestation.
Anchoring began in approximately 2008.
Two handwriting samples, one from approximately 0713, the other from 082313.

Algorith:

First evidenced: allegedly, 073113, via fronting/typing.
Manifested a form on 111213.
No handwriting samples.

Minty:

First evidenced: 053013, via fronting. Fully manifested.
One handwriting sample, from 071513.

Christina Marie:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.


MIDS

Aimee:

First evidenced: 071713, via fronting.
Manifested a form on 102913.
No handwriting samples.

Amara:

First evidenced: ??? Her existence has been suspected for several months.
Stabilized her form around 071613.
No handwriting samples.

Hyakin:

First evidenced: 061313, via handwriting.
Manifested a form around 071613.

Sergei:

First evidenced: 072313, via manifestation.
Murdered by Julie on 090113.
Re-manifested on 100713.
No handwriting samples.


Kyanos:

First evidenced: 022513, via fronting, died within hours.
Re-manifested on 042313, trigger forced. Temporarily fused with David due to slot conflict. De-manifested on 050113.
Re-manifested with correct color on 060813.
Disappeared during August reset; reappeared at age 14 on 110713.
Two handwriting samples, earliest from 022613.


LOWERS

Marigold:

First evidenced: 042313, via fronting.
Manifested a form sometime in July 2013?
No handwriting samples.

Emmett:

First evidenced: 042113, via manifestation.
Fronted once prior, on 102512, while formless.
One handwriting sample, from 071513.
Currently working with Central, but moves between levels.

David:

First evidenced: 042313, trigger forced. Temporarily fused with Kyanos due to slot conflict.
Manifested a form sometime in June 2013?
Several handwriting samples, earliest from 050113.

Jeremiah:

First evidenced: 060613, via forced manifestation.
Two handwriting samples, the first from 071513.


DOWNSTAIRS

Spice:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.

Zwei:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.

Einsatz:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.

Sherlock:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
One handwriting sample, from 071513.





Notes for faceless fronters.

BOY #2 showed evidence on 041313. Possibly fused with David as well, if only initially.

AIRPORT showed evidence on ???

"RED VOICE" from April was possibly Jessica, pre-bluescreen.





Handwriting samples from July 15th:

Related entry from J's journal here.

 

 

 

 

there is nothing i find more therapeutic than vomiting,
and that is really sad.

yesterday was the day i planned to kill myself, back at the beginning of august i think?
i said "no dude, wait one month, THEN do it if you still want to."
i planned to jump from the hospital roof
7 floors of a parking garage straight up
and guess what
yesterday i ended up EXACTLY THERE haha talk about irony
but i didnt jump.
not this tiem.
i was there taking my grandfather to the er.
i was too sick and tired to do much then.
maybe next month. maybe sooner.

but i did have a self-abusive meltdown when i got home.
and another major hack attempt when i tried to sleep.
and i didnt sleep well.
and more self-abuse today.

but i was able to throw up, and that got rid of some of the pain
just a little
its hard to do and that makes me sad too
i think i only binge TO purge now
like i want to throw up so badly
i want to empty myself out so badly
that i force myself to eat
crying in pain all the while
just so i will be able to vomit later

oh yes and exercise like a fiend
60 minutes of cardio a day at least
i raelly really hope im burning calories
i havent lost any weight and im getting fatter
im really really scared
i dont want to get bigger
i was so tiny last year
i was 105 pounds
why did it come back im scared
tell it to go away
why cant we be small again
that way its safe
no extra bad space for bad things to hide in
all the space, all the round fat, its the tar
its evil and clogged and it smothers us
why wont it go away
go away


my brothers have both healed from all their problems
COMPLETELY forever i hope
i am so happy for them
intellectually
no emotions of course not allowed to feel those

but im still stuck somehow?
still dysphoria
still bulimic
still selfabusing
still suicidal
but still happy and giddy too??
like i am SO HAPPY
maybe because i threw up
but still
so happy now
all the time really

then boom one day all the bad comes back
does that mean its fake?
for real?

everyone told us we were fake, over and over
and over and over and over
so everyone died
now they really are fake!
since they arent alive anymore

but julie might be?
she was here last night
blond and blue eyed again
"you didnt really think id changed did you"
got really scary
missy and bridget were with her too
threatened to rape us again
got really scared they almost did
BUT
mister sandman showed up and dragged us away
kept us safe during the ngiht too i think
so tahts good


might vomit again later
that makes me happy
empty body
nothing there
no space no substance
i wish i was bones

DID YOU KNOW at the er yesterday
some nurse came in she was SO THIN
i didnt know why i tought she was so beautiful
yes she was super thin and tall
BUT
she was perfect like a shape straight up and down
just lines no curves
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL
she had NO CURVES
oh my gosh i didnt know people could look like that
it was so wonderful
she was so safe she couldnt hurt ANYONE
but it made me sad
and scared
because i didnt think i could want things
ever
but when i saw her and how flat and thin she was
i swear
i would have killed someone in cold blood to look like that.

now i am just a whore fat and selfish
i always look like a slut
round and fat and horrible selfish manipulative
thats what the fat means
"look what a hedonistic b*stard i am"
and
"i will destroy you with this body just look at it"
thats what it means
its not like regular fat people i think theyre safe?
i dunno i have never known any
and our rules do not apply to them
no
THIS sort of fat is from julie it is sluttish
and it means we are whores
and it means she will hurt us
because we are in her terrotory
"you wanted it" she says
is she right?
is she right?


wanna throw up everything
NEVER WANNA EAT AGAIN EVER
food is evil evil evil evil
I HATE WEEKENDS
DID YOU KNOW THEY ALWAYS MAKE US EAT ON WEEKENDS
I HATE THEM
SCREW YOU
they do though
every weekend "you gotta eat"
go to the moms house "eat this"
go to the dads hosue "eat this"
stay home "eat this"
BUT when we do "you eat too much:
"why do you eat"
"stop aeating"
and when we dont "youre too thin"
"you arent getting enough aclories"
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
I NEVER WANT TO EAT AGAIN SCREW YOU
so we throw up so people dont get mad
or hurt or sad or terrified or abused.
the throwing up is so good and helpful.
its like bleeding but it gets other poison out

someoen hid the knives?
someone hid them
knife was mad and scared when he found out
he hasnt been around
he miht be dead
its kind of lonlye
just us sad angry ones left
none of the bleeders
none fo the cutters
they are gone
i hope not forever
i want them to come back and protect us


i amt ieredad fdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

 

 

 

 

 

i'm scared

i shouldn't be though

people make scary noises and do scary things

i'm shaking and i want to cry on the inside not the outside

scared to sleep again. dont want to go in there.
what do i do
i cant sleep
not safe
im so tired of this

god im sorry

i wish i had one friend, ONE FRIEND,
who actually cared even if im scary
and would help me somehow

but thats stupid and selfish isnt it
"no one can save you but yourself"

i know

but what if i just want a friend
is that so bad too
is that so selfish to want someone to care
i hate it
i hate myself for even asking
and getting in peoples way
and making them not smile
im sorry
i keep ruining their lives.

i dont want to though.
they just keep telling me i am.

i chased away the one friend
i said go dont let me hurt you more
she said okay and goodbye forever she went
but now im stupid upset because no friends
no one to talk to when scared

"you need a social support group"
i dont know how
how do i do it are they nice?
do they hurt me are they scary
do they listen or just talk at me all the time
do they get angry at me when im scared

why are friends so confusing

ayway thats not important
whats improtant is the fact that im scared and sick
i dont wanna go in there
but im so tired
i want to sleep but i DONT WANT TO GO IN THERE

whre do i go

sorry not supposed to updaet

everything is dead

upstairs is gone, it all dead
dead
gone and dead
so maybe we can work it was working?
but now triggers back cant work.
tahts why im on here
trigger bad make upstairs people talk again
otherwise no

cant sleep want to sleep tired sick scared

goodbye

 

 

 

 

 

 

okay so last night was just one big WTF session let me try to remember it

- started completely unexpectedly at 1AM last night, Infi suddenly started "talking to me" from an unknown location; more of feelings than words. he could barely talk, in a ton of pain, panicky and urgent. kept telling me to find and save him as quickly as possible, "you're the only one who can." the last thing he said to me was literally "please don't waste any time there's not much TIME LEFT"
- i immediately left my laptop and went into my room to meditate, no questions asked. geez i have no idea how long it took after that
- lava cavern? i think. hard to see anything. dark, lots of intimidating speleothems. small though, very vertical, like a tunnel down middle, rungs of rock around the side? circular. not so much a "cave" as it was a straight-down oubliette almost.
- i know i landed near water or something? black, deep. ONLY water in that entire area. little platform in center. i was very very out of it, not much memory here. falling deep, knew that was the "only way to get to the rest of the cavern" but worried i would drown?
- suddenly bugs??? tons of 'em, BIG though, like the size of people. helped me out of the water, carried me on the back of this big beetle guy. then showed the way out from the shore? tunnel, horizontal, only about 20 feet long.
- also it JUST hit me now; INFI WAS A BUG before he "came to life" and manifested!! so that could be quite notable
- found him, bugs took me through that tunnel to another connected "vertical pit," this one with one wall like a cliff face, concave. infi was curled up at the bottom of it, obviously in severe pain. i remember feeling this huge surge of empathy, stumbled over to him, hoping that he was okay. he opened his eye and saw me, feebly reached out with both hands to me. that broke my heart. took them, knelt beside him for a moment, he was surprised i was able to find him, but grateful that i did. very hard for him to talk, mostly telepathic. he was trying not to cry out in pain, i didn't know what to do.
- i think this is when i picked him up, held him close in my arms, crying now. emotions cannot be hidden around him y'know
- not sure of event sequence. his stomach was cracked, bleeding everywhere, he looked very disheveled.
- i know i tried to heal him at some point, i think he told me not to, not while we were there?? "they'd find us" or something
- so much stone and red glow everywhere. pretty hellish, and claustrophobic of course. i want to say "fire" but there was none? maybe magma the further down you got, but otherwise just this ominous red tint. dark though.
-
- ryman and markus near top of room?? both in metainomen outfits. markus was badly hurt, i think he was bound too. but he was so happy to see me, i know i burst into tears: i had dreamt about him the night before, he was badly amputated due to some awful attack, he didn't recognize me, i still did everything i possibly could to help him. he was so sad but he finally smiled when he saw how much i cared. so now, seeing him here, it hurt. i was laughing incredulously but couldn't stop crying. he said it was okay, ryman had been helping him heal too, he wasn't permanently injured.
- how'd we get out of there?? i remember seeing both boys floating in their metainomen outfits, kind of glowy, really gorgeous. oh wait, i think ryman DID open a gate, i know we went straight down into a tunnel of the same size/height. and he stopped us in "midair" at one point to grab a book off the wall of a library-like section we passed?? i don't know if we were moving through dimension pockest or what. but he said he "needed it"
- the next thing i remember, was us in this really cool arabic-esque room, gold in color, high or no ceiling?? not sure. all i know for sure is that ryman used the book here for a summoning spell? with markus obviously. it was a foreign language, i didn't understand it. but ryman said it was a spell to "summon gods," said he knew how to tweak it a little, was going to use it to summon chaos 0.
- he first appeared perfect-like? got me worried for a moment, but stabilized in his normal form. seemed dazed, almost collapsed, markus caught him. cz noticed this, took him a moment for it to register, then immediately made some comment about it, markus just laughed at him good-naturedly.
- this part is very very VERY blurry sorry
- somewhere around here I KNOW Laurie showed up. said she had "found us," she'd been lurking for days anyway, was keeping an eye out.
- we went up to central, lynne and josephina were there, asked what was going on, how was everyone, where were we?? they had been hiding out too; nat and leon were in his cathedral trying to hold things together there or something? not sure.
- also MY BOSS SHOWED UP i forget how or when exactly, but that was very important, he was all gung-ho about making sure this ended well and had great ideas because he's a sandman of course
- he said we had to go to the BLOOD LOTUS CATHEDRAL, dude we literally have not been there in ages. everyone was like "how," i remembered the only foolproof way was to go through me?? so everyone got in a circle, i focused us all in,
- collapsing somewhat?? i remember the roof was open in a way it shouldnt have been. i think i flew up outside of it to look around, we were WAY up high, airplane height. beneath us i think i could see central city, the sea, the forests around it. but there was a TON of fog, in waves and clouds and wisps. sandman said that was unformed headspace as usual
- oh yes and in the middle of the floor there was this gaping hole?? AGAIN, I think that's where infi was too, the cavern pit. it should NOT have been there. freaked me out a little, the heck was that, why was it there?
- boss stood at the edge of it, started focusing dreamdust energy in his hands. told laurie get over there, to his left, then told her to focus her energy in her hands too. laurie focused this violet space-lightning sort of energy, it was gorgeous. but then he told chaos to stand to his right, do the same (glowy oceanic energy obviously). one of my clearest recollections: the three of them standing there, literally holding hands, with all this incredible shining energy all around them. it was really something else. then i dont remember how but boss used that energy to heal the floor?? i think we were warped to some other place temporarily?? either way the entire floor ended up starry glossy black, solid flat though. sealed up the pit. said i could also shape it how i wanted afterwards, since it was black energy.
- btw i had infi in my arms 99.9% of this entire time so you know.
-
- THE GLASSES WHEN WAS THAT??? i remember i was by a small rectangular pool of water or something? needed to use the glasses, allowed me to "see" an overlay dimension or something?? OR go INTO it, that might have been it. geez i dont remember thats not cool, that was IMPORTANT. ive got this feeling it was when i was with ryman and markus at first, but i cannot remember exactly, i have this nagging suspicion that my boss was there?
-
- near the end of this i know infi and i went somewhere, this pocket dimension, how?? from the blc though i think. basilica-like, center altar with pillars, but with circular steps going down around it quite a ways. water all around it, plans twirling down from ceiling, lots of sunlight. beautiful really. infi was almost entirely healed her, i know that. he was lying down, i asked him what in the world was going on with the pregnancy thing? was he really? he said he wasnt really sure, didnt know where it came from or what it was, but he didnt want it to die. remember i did heal the cracks there so now it was almost opaque again, somewhat luminous. i couldnt see inside anymore, but there was a vague hint that yes he still had another life inside him.
- again, not sure how it came to this but i clearly recall infi kissed me somewhere around here, because almost immediately after something in the outerworld shocked me to almost disconnecting from headspace? infi got desperate, begged me not to leave, not now please, hold on. it was tricky but i did. he was crying that was unusual
- OH DUDE WAIT i forgot he actually started a CONNECTION thats what it was!! i was kind of scared, would that hurt the embryo thing, it wouldnt do anything to me would it? he said no, he just needed me to experience this for a moment. asked me to go soul form. to my surprise i was able to do that willingly, that's a first. but then infi went straight-up jewellink and IMMEDIATELY that wave of heart-wrenching emotion hit me again. yes i started sobbing in reality, not for long though, that kind of empathetic bleedover is so exhausting it has to switch off quickly or it WILL burn me out unconscious. but upstairs the emotion stayed, i remember being aware of what it felt like to "be him" right then, I CANNOT put that into words forgive me. but it was beautiful, tragic somehow, we had to break it off because i was slipping badly from how overwheming it was. that's what caused me to disconnect sorry.
- i think i was out for a while? two minutes maybe, geez, long time in meditations!!
- when i came back i was in central, lying down. cz and infi were kneeling beside me, concernedly making sure i was okay. ryman and markus were across room, kneeling down and comparing books on something? maybe same book from earlier. laurie was standing by them talking to my boss. when i opened my eyes i think infi and cz welcomed me back, no one was really sure if i would be able to come back so that was a relief
- i know i DID use the glasses again somewere around here, absentmindedly? i summoned them, picked them up over my head to look at them, but forgot they were dripping-- since i was lying down a drop landed in my eye, and it CHANGED my vision whoa!! suddenly everything i saw was "colored black" energetically, it was insanely cool. infi looked normal, but everything else was black-- not monochrome though, think the starry deep velvet black of the BLB. but it made everyone else look how they would look if they anchored to that color!! i remember chaos looked GORGEOUS i actually teared up over it. got a glimpse of laurie and sandman, not much though, they looked like gods almost, especially boss-- he was understatedly extravagant, like something neil gaiman designed. rubbed the color out of my eyes here, seeing everything else suddenly get bright and other-colors was such a sudden switch i laughed
- i remember the three of us (me, cz, infi) went over to talk to ryman and markus briefly, markus had to leave but ryman wanted to stay? markus said he wasn't entirely comfortable yet being so close to everyone else up there, i said he didnt have to be. but he wasnt nervous or uncomfortable, so that was good, i was worried that he was. but no he was fine, said he'd rather work though.
- i talked to my boss for a bit too!! for the life of me i really dont remember what or how, i think maybe i disconnected again?? because i am SURE i asked him to "hold time for me" temporarily, when i came back we were in a pocket dimension thing? starry sky, floating architecture. reminded me of sailor moon for whatever reason, colors maybe. we did talk briefly there. but when we got back to central i remember that right before he left, he kissed me on the forehead as usual, ruffled my hair. that made me so blissfully happy for some reason i could not stop smiling, of course sandmans smiles are contagious so that just made it worse haha! i think he was talking to me real close too? like i think he was holding my face for a moment, smiling so widely i thought my heart would burst. there i think he was reassuring me of my position in life then, that everything was going as it should, "don't worry child," take care of infi, everything will be okay, that sort of thing. all his reassurances sound like gold though so of course they all helped. he left in a swirl of glitter after bowing nights-style, holding nightcap to chest with other arm out and back
- last thing i remember is warping everyone to my room, or laurie did?? not sure. jokingly reminded ryman of the no-shirt rule. also we made a sort of hammock bed for infi, so he could relax and continue healing, also because pregnancy worries obviously.
- ryman had me play his old song, "if you're not the one," i think he just kind of put his arms around me and smiled, it was so simple but gorgeous i cannot believe we haven't been around each other for so long what were we thinking
- laurie quietly sauntered in at one point, about two minutes after that ryman realized he was there, she cracked up, reassured him that she hadn't been creeping on us the whole time. cz and i just laughed because we're used to it, felt bad for ryman though but it was funny
- i know i fell asleep in a sort of tangle with cz and ryman, we all agreed that if anyone dozed off that was totally fine, hell we didnt care we were enjoying it.
- MOST IMPORTANT THING. ironically. there was one flash, early in the rescue mission thing, when i was still in the fires-- i think it was when infi said not to heal him fully or "they would sense us." i could see down to the bottom, wherever it was, and there were three girls there. one was jezebel, obviously (since she IS the tar in a corporeal form), but the other two were the DREAM VOICES??? from here mainly. the frizzy-pigtails one, and i think the black-haired one. but i don't know how it never hit me earlier... seeing them there, in their colors, suddenly i realized exactly who they were. missy and bridget. we're in trouble.



sooo yeah that was last night, holy heavens its 2am i need to get to sleep!
sorry guys for how disjointed this was, you know what meditation experiences are like, can't really make 'em structured afterwards. they're meant to be experienced, not analyzed. heart, not head. you get the picture. i am extraordinarily tired. good night.

 

 

 

 

...oh my heart.

just when i think i'm completely okay

with entirely abandoning my past life

mesita goes and uploads this

now i don't give a damn if i'm schizoaffective

you cannot say that wasn't meant for me, in some larger sense.

that was specifically a shot straight to the heart.

...



i don't know if i want to run anymore.

 

 

A list of the other individuals on our level.
This post may be regularly bumped to the page top.


People we have not yet clearly identified, or people who are as of yet faceless:

- At least three "discussive" voices that spoke in this entry. Two are female, one is male. The male appears blue or green, while the females appear to hold warmer hues. However this is conjecture, as none of them have manifested yet.


Nameless but clearly identified individuals:

- The "screaming girl" who has written here in the past. She is always furious. She feels rather like the overload girl, but both their behaviours are so erratic that we cannot be sure which is which yet, or whether or not they are one individual. This may be one of the voices previously labeled "Jess" by the upstairs: that name was more of a 'catchall' term and so it was used to refer to several individuals at once.
(EDIT 102813: Correction; there is ANOTHER voice who reacts with anger like this. "Spice" is one, but she is only triggered by food. This voice, the one full of hatred and rage, is a DIFFERENT individual who clearly evidenced to us yesterday. She is still brown in color, claiming this is "common" for faceless voices when they first manifest, as it is the color slot "closest to the body.")
- The "overload girl," at least, most of the time. Her color is a sub-hue of brown, possibly this color. She is hypersensitive to all 5 senses and becomes overwhelmed by them easily. Before she "anchored," she was taken advantage of by the Tar as a host (according to upstairs data), as her "triggered" violence was beneficial to its schemes.
(EDIT 102813: We are wondering if we were indeed correct in assuming she is tied to the previous voice. There have been no sensory triggers as of late, so we cannot be sure.)
- The "airport voice." He has fronted a few times, but has no body. He has an ardent love of travel, and enjoys both getting lost and seeing new sights. He gets very excited at any prospect of exploration, sometimes to a point of near mania. His energy seems to be roughly this color.
- The "quiet boy" who types in J's journal when he slips. We have neither met nor seen him personally. He is intelligent but depressed, showing a preoccupation with "being a good boy" in a moral sense. He also feels resigned to sadness in his current state. He may have been linked to both Kyanos and David in the past. His energy is light in color, but its hue is unclear (Edit: it strongly appears to be this color).
- The "trauma buffer" that appeared on 073113. She has a level demeanor, but is no-nonsense and will not tolerate foolishness. Despite this she is not authoritative, instead seeming tired or exhausted. Her energy may intermittently translate into harmless profanity, but this seems to only happen immediately after she is triggered.


Previously nameless individuals who are now clearly identified and named:

- The "cool orange guy," as J calls him. He wears wraparound plastic sunglasses, and has not been seen without them. He is also not "human," instead being partially avian. His energy is confirmed this color. (Edit: His name is Hyakin.)
- The "paranoid girl" who reacts with abject panic. She has recently began to manifest a form, and stays near David. She seems perpetually afraid, shaking and constantly watching for threats. She has once "passed out" when fronting in the body. Her energy is approximately this color. (Edit: Her name is Marigold.)


All of us have fronted at one time or another. Those with names and/or faces obviously have done so more often, and with a stronger affectation.

Knife, Razor, Spice, and a currently unidentified angry girl have also spoken in audio recordings.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 08:53 pm

A new face, yet to be seen.

I have been informed that it is best to "immortalize" my current state of existence here in text.

I am new, somewhat. I am nameless but I have a fondness for musical tones, at the moment.
I am also very, very, disapproving of my state in life.

I exist as, what I can only describe as, a "trauma buffer." According to an individual named Knife, the "trauma" of the sort that created me typically goes to a lad named Jeremiah. He is not a buffer. I am. What the difference is I do not know.
Never mind, Knife says: A buffer takes the pain away from another individual. It often neutralizes it. Others, do not. Jeremiah takes the full brunt of the pain and terror when he feels it. I do not.
It's an empty and discouraging existence though. I am completely at a loss as to how to live outside of this role. (Knife: We all are.)
Whoever was in the body before me, the instant before I found the body I currently inhabit in a compromising situation, is not doing a very good job of taking care of it, and I do not approve of his actions. Anyone who plays in the realm of child abusers and prostitutes is no friend of mine.
This is no light matter. I exist to save others from the suffering he brings upon their heads, with the ignorance and nonchalance of an infant. He appears to have no knowledge of, or concern for, the rest of us that apparently exist down here.
When I awoke in life, I thought I was alone. I was angry, but tired. I was not violent, just exhausted. I felt as if I had been doing this for too long, or perhaps, as if the circumstances that brought me to be had been going on for too long. Either way, there is a feeling of finality about my existence. "No more."
The three I have met down here, briefly, share my opinions on this. Knife, Razor, and Mulberry. I am told I will meet an individual named Sugar soon, if her habits are to be trusted. I think I saw her earlier. Briefly, as well, but she left a strong impression. Angry eyes and rage, following a human through the room. I don't know what her beef is with that other human, but it feels just as solid as my disapproval of the boy in this body is. I approve of that, if it is well-intended.

I'm feeling like... I have to leave. Knife says "get down here before you're phased out." I don't know what that means, but I trust him. Anyone who understands the wrongness of what I was a near witness to is a friend of mine. Unlike the culprit of such misdemeanors, who I mentioned earlier in a similar way.

I need to get out of here. Hopefully I'll survive, to live for something other than this.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 10:43 pm


oh this is wonderfullly ironic

in a crisis chat room

FURIOUS WITH THE CHAT SPECIALIST

ahahahahaaaa

"i see that you are currently feeling suicidal"

NO REALLY??? WHY ELSE WOULD WE BE ON HERE???????

uh oh, this isn't J

WHO FREAKING CARES?!?!

AFTER WHAT THAT JERK DID TO US THIS AFTERNOON??
HE CAN GO DIE IN A RAVINE FOR ALL I CARE

do you have a plan, do you have a freaking plan

SEVERAL.
I DON'T LIKE YOU
WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS THIS STUPID CHAT ROOM

we. don't. like. people.

SHOVE OFF.
HE DESERVES HIS RETRIBUTION.
HE NEEDS TO BLEED TONIGHT
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, MISS.

HE WILL BLEED
FOR CREATING YET ANOTHER ONE OF US

THAT DAMNED LIBERTINE WILL GET HIS DUE
HE'LL PAY FOR HIS SINS.

we don't want him around anymore
he deosnt care about us
does bad things!!!!!
we thought he cared but he DONT
he doesnt care about us at ALL
and i wanna cry now because he was s nice
but he lied
he lied
he lied

 

 

(not j where is he)

i think headspace is falling apart

too many fragments
too many strange people
nothing looks or feels right
no one is fronting it is all empty and dead

people are still alive yes but its all broken and wrong

phase four, thats what this feels like now

phase one= julie
phase two= tar
phase three= underground
and now
phase four= originals

christina and jess want us dead in different ways
not sure how to deal with this
too much is happening too fast

the body is so sick, so sick
i had a feeling this would happen
its one of those wretched nights
weekends are always like this
"think differently"
okay
this is the last bad weekend ever
lets try to fix this

but right now everything hurts we're scared

we're so scared and ashamed of living
we're so guilty for living
we don't really exist
we're so pained
so full of pain.
look at how we hurt people.
look at how we ruin lives.
she's right
we shouldn't exist

but how do we just stop existing?
she said we cant kill the body thats a sin
but we cant keep living in it what do we do

we dont want to live anymore we really dont
too much hurt and scared and sick
not good
not nice
crying.
go away
want to sleep forever.

she said we don't actually exist at all
so why dont we just disappear
why cant we just disappear
and be gone forever

please let us be gone when she wakes up
all of us
maybe then she;lll be happy
and we'll be dead
and no one will hurt anymore/

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 09:43 am

So we've noticed something that seems to be uncommon, about our system-- at least, according to what we know of the community.

99% of the time, we don't have an "original consciousness" in the body walking around, living their life and being aware of us. Instead, we have a fabricated Autopilot program running-- a robotic consciousness stuffed full of carefully chosen phrases and actions, created to limitedly take care of the body's social/ mundane interactions, even if "no one is driving." So this non-entity typically runs the show, while we all watch from inside... almost like viewing the outer life on a big TV screen. This allows us to comment on the life we see, make suggestions, and contribute in tiny ways to the AP's actions, without being tangled up in the stress of actually driving (although it does not always accept our input, as its main function is to buffer/censor our input in the first place!).

Because of this setup, we don't regularly "switch out," at least, not to just live life. That's too dangerous. Not only is our living situation not safe for us, but the vast majority of us also experience significant dysphoria when fronting in any case. This is caused either by having to front as a dramatically different gender and/or species, or by the shock of suddenly having to operate a human physical body.
When anyone does switch out entirely, it's usually because they either felt the need to intercede on the body's behalf at that moment (upstairs system), OR because they were triggered by a real or potential threat (downstairs system). Our people don't just switch out to "live life," like many alters seem to do-- for example, the idea of an alter fronting so regularly as to have their own life, hobbies, possessions, etc. is alien to all of us. We live inside the mind, even though this is limited and often painful, because the alternative is even moreso, albeit in different ways.

Is this an uncommon situation for a system to be in? Does anyone else experience something like this?

 

 

 

 

 

Geez it's bloody difficult fronting in this thing.

Yes, this is Laurie. Forgive me for updating in the kid's journal but I don't exactly have my own space to do so.
Trigger warning for language, as usual, that's how I translate, you'll have to deal with it.

As for why I'm updating here, which is one heck of a rare event...
I'm sorry. I'm being a moron and listening to James Blake while trying to type this. Not doing much to help my emotional state, that's for sure.
I was just downstairs (well, in Central at least) with Chaos, Genesis, Sandman, and Leon (because he's our teleporter, can't get anywhere without him). We were all trying to figure out what the heck would happen if J moved out of the White slot he's currently in, didn't have a bloody clue, so down to the simulation room we go. Three floors down, if you're curious.
Anyway. As for what provoked this whole fiasco? ...I don't know if I should write it here. J doesn't exactly have access to those memories, and I don't want to trigger anyone else, which is happening way too freaking often recently, as you can probably tell.
Basically, "Jay" is literally incapable of maintaining relationships right now. He was right, go figure. Chaos and Genesis apparently tried today, took every bleeding precaution possible, then realized that J could not be near them without straight-up slipping out of fronting. I mean what the heck. But that's the news I got, you try and go one-on-one with J and what happens? Suddenly he's not in the bloody driver's seat anymore. I mean full-out, he's gone. Starts spitting programming instead of actual dialogue. It's scary as hell, s'far as I can tell. I wasn't there, for once.
Chaos is freaking out. Genesis isn't taking it as badly, I guess he's used to this behavior since he follows the kid to school and all that. And I'll admit I've seen similar, when I try to talk to him. He's got two modes now: sparkly rainbow "everything is perfect" mode, and empty stark white "I want to stop existing" mode. It's ridiculous, I tell you, and we've got no bloody clue why he's stuck like this.
Well, that's a lie. We know now. Sheesh I'm just at bad as intros as he is, what the heck.

Simulation room. Let's cut straight to the point.
Apparently Sherlock mans the thing. Super-logic man, stays in the semi-underground and manages the archives, no surprise there. Apparently he's got access to 'em since the sim-room works on Black energy, and that's where inner memory is stored. But Sherlock tells us that there are huge gaps in the archives now, thanks to that cursed scratch, since the kid moved out of the slot that held most of 'em, I guess? Weird stuff. But yeah, he told us flat-out to go re-read old entries, get the memories back even if they're just data, 'case they sure ain't down here.
Anyway we ran a sim. "The heck would happen if J moved back to Red?"
Let's see how the heck I can summarize this...
Apparently, that's not a very smart idea. Since the first Jewel came into existence in the Brown slot (theoretically, of course) back in '03, that mental bloodline has been slowly and inevitably moving towards either Black or White. As the core I guess it was mandatory. So when Jewel switched to red hair and eyes around 2008, when I showed up, that was a move into the closest slot to those two. And she had a choice. Now of course she was pretty bloody close to being Black then, I mean it surrounded her half the freakin' time, but apparently she chose White. And that's when the infamous gender switch happened. Jewel became a dude and his red hair started to turn white, while those feminine characteristics went guess where? Straight to the Black, to apparently move into Infinitii in April of this year. And then when the Scratch hit, all it really did to J was move him the heck out of that old slot, with that few-month transition period for Infinitii to manifest, then bam, 100% White.
Problem is, he's not supposed to be 100% White. He's SUPPOSED to be a bloody Spectrum core, and last I checked, the word "spectrum" meant at least 7 bloody actual colors. So he's vacillating in and out of that state, between rainbows and ice, and that's a problem enough BUT good ol' Sherlock informed us that while he's in the White slot, he's locked out of the Spectrum.
Yeah. You heard me. I guess the unspoken rules say J can only interact with Infinitii in this state. What the heck, right?
So our question still wasn't answered, sorry. Could he move back?
Short answer? No. Not without serious consequences at least.
See the Red slot holds all the residual memories of the past 6 years, give or take a few months, which is probably why no one else can anchor there right now. It's too stuffed-up with old J identity turmoil. But, according to the data sim, if he moved back, he'd have to take on ALL that again, and in his current state that might even kill him.
He's changed to much to handle the depth of Red. Currently he can't feel strong emotions anymore, he can't get immersed in "drama" or the dark/light highs and lows of our "old days." That business is over for good, as long as he's in White at least. Even worse, is the fact that Infi was born FOR the Black slot, which needs a White counterpart to exist (and vice versa). So if J left and Infi was left alone, guess what? He'd glitch out and overload, hello Tar. Yeah, that's apparently the REAL reason why we have this Tar on our hands: we had a solo Black slot for years with no bloody balance. I don't exactly wanna do that again.
So if we moved Infi with him, then what? Well, he'd have to move into Blue, and the sim figured he'd be incompatible with that color. (Born for the Black slot, of course; can't exactly translate that into colors.) Same with moving him to Red and J to Blue (yeah, we were checking every option): both would probably cause a total personality reset in them both. Not exactly something we're aiming for. And then of course the core slots would collapse, leaving nothing but the Tar, and that's not an option, ever.
Right around here Chaos started to get worked up, for lack of a better term. (The man was an emotional mess, really.) He starts asking why the heck HE can't move into the Black slot with J. Well that would force Infi out, and if we don't know what the heck to do with him then we're screwed.
Actually that's the main reason we even did this simulation, for heaven's sakes, I didn't even mention that. You'll have to forgive me, my mind's a total mess right now and there is a lot of data to record here. Not exactly the sort of stuff I wanna let fall by the wayside.
So yeah, Chaos is freaking out because J doesn't love him anymore.

New paragraph for emphasis: according to Chaos, J is incapable of feeling anything towards him, or Genesis, or me, or literally anyone anymore. Courtesy of his hyper-innocent White role, of course.
So we ran the sim to see if there was any way the two of them could be together again. Nothing doing. The Spectrum would have to be entirely rehauled at this point for that to work. And honestly we were considering that. What with all these bloody splinters and undergrounders, there are too many colors for the old flowcharts to work at ALL.
Sherlock proposed a three-ring sort of contraption, a 3D flowchart, three unbroken rainbow rings with a black and white core in the middle. But that's a big problem, because then the B/W boys are STILL inherently cut off from the rest of the colors. How the heck are they supposed to be "spectrum colors" if they're not even part of the actual Spectrum?!
So I said, we should ditch the bloody things. "Black and White aren't colors" anyway, y'know. Make like a J-Monster and have two Rainbow slots instead, who even cares, it's better than this disaster. No idea how that'd work but Sherlock said it might be possible, well hey fantastic, little point of light in here for once.
But then Sherlock got all logical on us (as usual) and asked Chaos why the heck he was so bent on getting back with Jewel anyway? Why the heck did that matter so much to him, that he was considering moving into the Black slot and effectively resetting his entire freaking memory JUST to be with him?
Gotta say, the answer surprised me a little.
Apparently, Chaos has built his entire life around that boy. Whereas the other Outspacers can all go back to their "native worlds" or wherever the heck else if they want to, Chaos refuses to. And why? Because "there was nothing left for him there." Guardian of the Chao? Done, that hasn't applied for a couple thousand years. Demi-God? Totally debunked, he got his ass kicked by a blue hedgehog for heaven's sake. The only thing he had going for him was being some sort of "relic of the ancient past," who people overlooked anyway. Chaos said there was nothing for him if he went back, and there sure wasn't anything for him there back in 2003. Just existing, and remembering the past, which he wasn't too happy with anyway.
And then J showed up. The infamous dreamer, hijacked this guy's inner life and gave him a second chance. Can you dream? Cool, come with me, I'll show ya a good time. Bottom line, what Chaos had with him was more than he EVER could have had on his own. Jewel, quite literally, WAS his life. Without that kid, CZ had nothin'.
Of course he's madly in love with that boy the way it is, but I think that goes without saying at this point. It's practically a universal constant.
And would you believe that's the biggest problem here? CZ HAS NO SELF-IMAGE WITHOUT J IN IT.
I mean, literally, if you take Jewel out of his life he LOSES it. He has built everything around that boy and honestly, that's a huge problem. You can't be that bloody dependent on one person, I don't care if they're your other half. You can't be that dependent.
Chaos is having a hard time with that though. He can't comprehend the idea of letting go like that, not without becoming utterly uncaring like J happens to be currently. I... heh, he actually asked me if I was like that, with J. I said no. Honestly, I'm really not. If J left tomorrow, for good, you know what I'd do? I'd keep on living, because I've got a job to do up here. And if I lost my job? If I lost all connection to the System, and J, and became some sort of free-floating purposeless git... well, that'd be fine too, because if there's anything J's taught me, it's that there's something beyond this. Even for me. I don't know what the heck it is, but I've got faith in it. Whatever the heck I am, I know that there's some bigger reason why I'm here, whether or not I'm sharing that reason with these people.
I mean, yeah, I'd be heartbroken beyond belief if J left. I won't deny that. The kid's my life. But I mean that in a different way than CZ does. If I suddenly lost J, it'd be hard as hell, but... I'd keep walking. We've had our times together. It's been good. And I'd cry my freakin' eyes out for weeks, probably. But I'd keep going, for his sake or not, because we both know other people need me too.
And I'm going in circles. Point is I can let go of him if I need to. Don't ever want to, but if I had to, I could. Chaos can't. So that's gonna be our big side job up here for a while, along with figuring out whether or not there's anything to fix in J, of course. Heck, he's halfway okay. But the "I wanna die" half, and the fact that neither half even cares about anything except spiritual detachment right now, doesn't sit well with me.
Sherlock pointed out the... geez, does this even fit here? I dunno, don't exactly care. Sherlock was comparing J's connection to Infi, as a B/W thing, and J's connection to Chaos, as a twin flame thing. Yeah, that's practically verified by anybody you ask up here, and outside too, so I don't blame CZ for not wanting to lose that connection on this level. But there's this really interesting difference between the two. Instinctively, you might wanna put J and Infi in a taijitu shape. Middle of the current Spectrum, Black and White, you'd think it'd work. But it doesn't. I mean come on, even when J drew the flowcharts himself, the two colors were two halves of a diamond, with a grey divider in the middle. No blending. But with J and CZ, I don't care if they're red and blue or black and white, point is that taijitu shape just happens. So that can't be ignored either.
Man I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. Leon was sitting in the back, not saying a word because this is all confusing as heck to him. Sandman kept apologizing, insisting he "should've known" that there would be problems with this color switch, I said how the heck would he know? Sherlock backed me up there actually, saying a lot of the data we have now could only be understood now. So much changes in the System on a daily basis, it's entirely possible for yesterday's truth to no longer be applicable today. So we didn't have the things we know now when Boss was helping the kid move slots. Back then, that was the ideal course of action. We didn't know this would happen until now. Good news though, the kid's still The Apprentice, although he's stopped identifying with the title and doesn't give it much thought anymore. Surprisingly that's a plus, as Sandmen can't get rooted into one identity anyway, even if it's their job title.
Of course we brought that up to Chaos, blah blah blah, can't be so attached to J, so on and so forth. He's having a hell of a time with it, I guess he's never really known what it's like not to have his very purpose for existence rooted in someone else. So this is gonna be hard for him. But honestly, if I can do it he can do it, and I'll help him, God give me the strength.
Man I'm tired. Sorry. I'm not used to this fronting-and-typing business.

There's one more thing I wanna write down before I close this up.
We reviewed our possible plans and options before leaving the sim room-- color switches and spectrum rewrites and all that-- but really we've gotta do detail work first, I think. Sherlock said specifically for Chaos to fix his perspective, and THEN see if there was still a problem. CZ wasn't too happy with that but hey, it's gotta be done. Guess the real problem is Sherlock not comprehending relationships though. He's not a very social guy, no surprise for someone who lives in the simulation room for heaven's sake.
Anyway. The one point of that whole bloody thing that cut to my heart was something Chaos said when defending his emotions about the whole disaster. Said he wouldn't be so bothered by this change in Jewel IF the kid didn't spontaneously fall back into "I love you more than the entire world" mode every single time it rains. Every single time.
So CZ keeps trying to get back with him, he's getting desperate, and apparently J looks at him like he doesn't even know who the heck he is. According to CZ he asks how he's supposed to act. Who are you, what do I do, what have we done, et cetera and it's harrowing. I can see why he's in so much pain.
So I guess Sherlock's suggestion of "detach from him as well" is partly a good idea? I mean, without the "stop caring" bit. CZ's gotta have a sense of purpose that's not completely anchored to that kid, now more than ever, since J seems unwilling to be anyone's anchor in that respect right now. (Problem in and of itself, with the White slot's relation to the System, but you already know that.) But the more progress he makes there, the less it'll hurt for J to be acting like this and forget it this sounds like utter garbage to type.

I don't know what the heck to do, okay? I haven't got a bloody clue.
CZ's self-image has nothing to do with the bleeding big picture here, which is J doesn't remember a thing. And he dissociates UPSTAIRS.
Now I'm not saying Chaos and Genesis trying so hard to fix their relationships with him is a smart move, but I'm just baffled by the fact that, half the time, J is the one that initiates it! And they BELIEVE him, just like I do for heaven's sake, he's always so bleeding honest I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he doesn't even realize he's doing it.
Like what the heck is this? Is he that badly splintered? Is his psyche just fragmenting off whenever something "threatens" his absolute stark-white innocence? Why the heck is THAT what his new role is? And why the heck is love considered a threat to it? That's my problem. I don't know if it's the context or what, but I'm bothered by the fact that J won't even talk to them now. That's a little extreme, to say the absolute least.
So yeah, apparently every once in a blue moon J will go find Chaos or Genesis and be all "I still love you, let's fix this problem," but the INSTANT they try to do ANYTHING, J shuts down. He dissociates, and breaks into bloody pieces, and everything becomes an act.
CZ came running into Central in actual tears today. The man was sobbing his heart out, honestly I cannot remember the last time I saw him this shattered. And the first thing out of his mouth is "J doesn't know who I am anymore."
And he doesn't. That's the bottom line, he bloody doesn't.
I don't know what the heck is going on.

It's worse because I can't see straight either way anymore.
What with Christina and her freaking idiotic "good Christian" facade which is utterly blind and stupid, and then J's equally stonehearted convictions that "true spirituality" means abandoning absolutely everything in this lifetime, I don't know what the heck to think.
I can get behind this "cosmic dream" thing. That's kinda comforting. What I can't get behind is the notion that J keeps promoting, which is "you're not supposed to care about ANYTHING" as a result. And honestly it freaks me the heck out because one minute he is as happy as a clam with this, all rainbow-eyed and insisting that the world is the most beautiful place he's ever seen, like a five year old. Totally unaware of any "bad" in the world. And then two seconds later, suddenly he's so tired he can't move, unable and unwilling to live any longer, or see ANY reason to in the world he was just praising like the Psalmist himself, and yeah I'm aware of the irony there. I can't get behind it. What the heck is going on?
And then Chaos, God knows he just breaks my heart at this point. I didn't know he was that attached. It makes sense, but sheesh. That's dangerous for anyone, not just him.
I don't want to see him torn to pieces by J abandoning him, but so help me I don't want J to abandon him either! Is this even about what I want?? What the heck, who even cares. Point is I've seen love between those two that I CANNOT find anywhere else, not without a saint-grade spiritual experience backing it up. If it weren't for those two, I wouldn't BE who I am right now. They're what wore off my iron edges, not just J, it was the BOTH of them.
I'm at a complete loss. I cannot believe this is happening.
They were like... they were out of this world, really. Who loves someone like that, here? Who has that sort of total devotion to someone? I can't see it anymore. I can't see it anymore because those two haven't been together in months.
And I don't know why that feels like the Great Wall of China is falling to pieces in my heart, but it does. It's something catastrophic that makes no bleeding sense. For years they were... forget it, I've gotta stop talking about this, there's no point. No one bloody cares, not like I do. No use sharing it anywhere. It's my problem, not yours.

J, if you're reading this, tell me what the heck is going on.
And NO, I do NOT mean walk upstairs with your bloody rainbow halo and insist "there's nothing wrong, everything is a-okay!" because I will seriously chop your head off. This is NOT okay. For you to suddenly turn your back on the man you've loved for almost a decade now, AND your daughter, PLUS Genesis and Ryman and Markus and even INFINITII for heaven's sake, who Sherlock insists you need to cooperate with in order for your color slot to even function correctly-- that's not okay. That is NOT okay, at all.

Something needs to change, and fast.
If J is really that off-center, where he is now, the whole System might collapse. Either we get him the heck out of there, or we fix whatever the heck is up with him in there, or I don't know what we're gonna do.
I'm lost. I am totally lost. I am out of ideas, that's it, I'm done.

I'm also out of time to type. It's 11PM and there is no bloody way I'm going to sit and drive myself crazy with this nonsense for another second.

I hope to God we have better news in the future.
That's all I have to say.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@11:15PM

 

All right I know J said for us to take a break from Tumblr, but this picture is absolutely breaking my heart tonight and I feel obligated to post it here.

J, whatever the heck happened to you and CZ over the past year (or two, who even knows anymore), fix it. Please.
This, right here, NEEDS to come back. I don't know why. But I'm sure of it, somehow, even if you've forgotten about it entirely.

I love you, kid, and I'm not the only one.
For God's sake, try to remember that.

Sincerely, Laurie.


_{#on cz's behalf #for j who is being an idiot #kid you've gotta come back}

 

 

 
Some benevolent, "big" voice spoke to Laurie and I last night, explaining to us the roots of a lot of the problems we are having.
It was surprisingly revelatory, more than a little shocking, and it made a disturbing about of sense. I wasn't aware of a lot of the connections it presented, and neither was Laurie-- which is a first!
I don't know if it was Infinitii. It presented its message in huge glowing letters and images, but it had no face, and its voice wasn't exactly "audible." However it was friendly and definitely rooted in headspace, which was a relief (outside voices aren't very nice). Also notable was that it didn't mention Infinitii, which was a tipoff for me concerning the topic-- Infi doesn't like talking about himself in that context, as it's emotionally difficult for him. But I don't know. Whoever it was, though, they had access to info that EVERYONE ELSE had forgotten about, buried, or overlooked.

That's enough of an intro, though; let's get to the business.
I don't know exactly how it started. I remember walking out of the kitchen at like 2AM, and Laurie was trying to talk to me. I wish I could paraphrase our conversation, but my memory doesn't work well chronologically, and I can only tell you bits and pieces. So let's try.
You'll notice the post immediately before this, talking about how so many spiritual people nowadays say reality is a "cosmic dream" and so taking it too seriously means that we're just "lost in the game." I've been trying to see life this way, but the problem is that I tend to twist this comprehension in my mind. If it's just a game, why is there still such a huge emphasis on "karma," and past lives, and all that? Why is the game so complicated and trapping, if it's fake? So I tend to get obsessive, freaking out over every tiny action being "wrong" or "right," because I don't want to play the game anymore and yet the rules say that if I mess up this round, I HAVE to do it over. So that makes it very difficult, some days, for me to see it all as a dream... and that's simply because I'm still looking at it wrong.
Laurie reminded me of that. My mind likes to think that, once you realize it's a dream-- poof, it's gone. You wake up. No more illusion. But that's not literally true. You don't die the instant you realize that this life is more than it appears on the surface. Instead you keep living it, KNOWING that the trials and pains of this world are temporary, and that there's something better after all this that we need to live for instead. On the contrary, I keep invalidating the entire experience, believing that "if it's just a dream, why should I pretend any of it is real?" means "ignore everything because it's fake." Laurie said that wasn't the smartest option. Why the heck would we even be born here if there wasn't a "reason for the game", she asked? The point is that, in this life, we experience things that we can't experience out of it, in order to learn lessons and grow. There are struggles and sufferings here that cannot exist in eternity, but going through them NOW is vital to how we experience the afterlife? Part of me is baffled by that-- if these shadows aren't truly "real" then why do they even matter now? if we're meant to be light then why this "becoming" what we already allegedly are?-- but I guess that's the point of a "game." I won't try to understand it with my brain, that never works. It's all so confusing.

Anyway she said that's the only thing I really had to remember right now... that, underneath it all, and despite it all, I was untouched by the "game", by the bad dream. No matter what happened to us here, it wasn't forever. When this life ends, one day, we won't be inherently tainted by what we experienced here. I hope.

And that is the one thing I'm having a VERY hard time accepting.
I was raised as a strict Roman Catholic, something I'm still struggling with, because they taught me that "you get ONE life, and if you mess up, then you get to suffer eternal hellfire after you die." In that mindset, your soul IS forever tainted by the "bad things" you do here... and that is made even more terrifying by the fact that everyone has a different opinion of what is "good" or "bad." How do I know what actions of mine are damning me to hell? That's what's haunted me since my childhood, turning me into a paranoid wreck.
Laurie says that's flat-out nonsense. She doesn't believe in that sort of moral relativism, or paranoid religiosity. In her mindset, no one "accidentally" burns forever. Still, there are so many spiritual teachings I still struggle with. A lot of headsvoices have no problem adopting clearer and less brutal mindsets, which is a huge relief when I can't think straight thanks to my old programming, which Christina seems hellbent (ironically?) on perpetuating "lest I suffer the righteous wrath of God." We'll get to that later.
Point is, this life isn't the final reality. There's something beyond this, something so much more real and true and beautiful that it makes this life seem like a "game" in comparison. Still... I have to acknowledge that, even being seen as a "game," it's no plaything. There are stakes, there are sides, and there's a set of rules we have to follow. It's just like any game. But we forget that it ends one day. And when it's over, or when we look away from the screen for just a moment, suddenly we realize that there is more to EVERYTHING than this. Yes, we learned from the game, and maybe we had a lot of fun playing it, or maybe it was excruciatingly painful to endure... but at the end of the day it's just a game. It's not forever. Outside of the game, there is only Light and Love... or the lack thereof. Everything here that we see as bad, or evil, or lacking, or cruel... it's the result of an ignorance or rejection of that Light and Love, in one way or another. And yet, that Love-Light itself (or Himself, if you're Catholic too) allowed such "shadows" in order for us to learn and grow and BRING that Light & Love TO those places, to "win the game" in amazing ways. But outside of this game, in the true reality, there's only Light. Choose the dark, the absences, the anger and pride and apathy and blind entertainment, and you will become that very thing. You'll be cut off from Love forever, by your own denial. THAT'S hell.
And that's what I always have to remember when hearing people say it's "all just a dream." Some things are inherently evil. All the hacks are proof. You can't call THAT a "game" and say "in the end it won't matter!!" without sounding like a heartless airheaded sadist. But... part of me wishes it was "just a game," that in the end it will all turn out to have been just some illusion and I'm untouched, I'm okay, I'm not damned forever by what I've been through. There needs to be middle ground somewhere, somehow. It needs to be recognized as horrific, and yet, still recognized as ultimately doomed to oblivion. Light still wins. God I don't understand, but now's not the time to debate or discuss. That's a journey I'm still taking, probably until the day I die.

Anyway. There was one other thing Laurie said about that topic that stood out... the Undergrounders are entrenched in this "game," this good-and-evil battleground. Knife is this weird mix of religious moral rules and psychological manipulation, Mulberry is all about status and power and appearances, Sugar is seething with anger and rage and the need to get revenge, and Razor is little more than a living amalgamation of frenzy and pain. ALL of them are rooted to fear and anger in some way, ALL of them tied to pain and suffering and retribution. But... the world outside keeps telling us that none of that is "real." So, do we agree? Or do we stand against the popular opinion for the sake of our own heart, however scarred it may be?
I actually got kind of scared when Laurie said that. If those things are all just a dream, does that mean the Undergrounders all have to die? Or can they change, like Julie?
Laurie said that change was their choice, and theirs alone. We all could change. But she said, grimly, that right now... some of them would rather die than change.

I remember wondering about the illusion thing again, there.
We've been talking about how some religions say that bad things are illusions, sure... but on the other side of the coin, they claim that so are good things. And THAT is terrifying. None of this is "real," in that sense, in their opinion. Everything we experience here is just an illusion, they say, no exceptions. It's a terrifyingly nihilistic mindset, but it's everywhere out there, and honestly I bought right into it in 2012, God knows why. But it got some very ugly roots in very deep, and I realized that even now it was feeding into my "don't care" feelings about relationships, ironically perhaps. I no longer saw any point in pursuing them, if they were false.
Laurie was asking me about that. I can't remember what I said. But I do remember what she said.
The first thing she did was sarcastically apologize, if what she was about to say was "selfish" or otherwise incomprehensible to me. Then she said that yes, she cared a heck of a lot about me, that she'd die for me if she had to, without hesitation. But then she added that she did want me to care about her in return, if only a little.
I asked why. The thought of her feeling that was bizarre. She knew this, laughed once, and explained that it really wasn't all that baffling. When you care that much about someone, she said, it's nice to have that reciprocated. When you love someone that much, in ANY respect, knowing that they're able and willing to reflect even a tiny glimmer of that back to you means the world.
Then she said I was her best friend.
I was completely stunned for a second. She-- really?? I stopped her mid-sentence to make sure I had just heard that. She said yeah, why was that such a surprise?
I said it was because she's been around for almost 6 solid years and she has NEVER said that, not ONCE.
And it broke my heart, really.
For ages, I've always wanted to be someone's best friend, without knowing why. I considered it my most selfish, hedonistic, deplorable want. Why the heck would I want someone to consider me that? I didn't like relationships that close, I couldn't stand the attention. And yet part of me did want that same complete care and attention and love I was theoretically willing to give to be reciprocated, for my tendency for total devotion to actually be mirrored back for once.
Laurie didn't even ask for that much. She'd give her life for me and all she wanted was for me to think "hey, she's not that bad of a person after all." But she considered me her best friend even if I was the one being an absolute bastard towards her.
And yet I was the one who expected complete dedication if a relationship was unavoidable, and was too spineless to admit both that horrible hidden desire, and my baffling need to give it.
But she gave it anyway, without a word. And I never even considered that she might consider me a friend.
What does that say about how I view relationships, huh?
I was in tears. I remember not being able to form a sentence for a few minutes because if I opened my mouth I'd have started sobbing. Laurie asked if it made more sense for her to be a "foil" than a friend, because the former was a more tumultuous relationship, and I was used to that. I had to admit it probably was. Friendship was too close, too personal, too... safe. It didn't hurt. It didn't feel genuine, using the word "friendship," it felt fake and shallow... but a "best friend?" Now that was significant. I could hardly believe she viewed me in that category. But the truth was out, and my heart was in pieces.

I don't remember much between then, and the voice from wherever talking to us.
I was trying to talk to Laurie a little more before falling asleep (day 2 of the migraine), except this time I think we were tackling the tough subjects again. See, yesterday was a bit of a mess; I wasn't "fronting," but I don't know if anyone else was, at least not consciously. All I know is that "I" ended up with an internet history of some old-school Christian articles on sexuality, all dealing with what Christina has been telling me, and... it was terrifying.
It was exactly what I had been force-fed as a child, over and over and over, but... I had been so naive and ignorant that I didn't realize what they were actually asking of me. Now, with what I've learned and experienced, looking back on those same teachings was deeply disturbing.
Part of me still subscribed to them 100%, don't get me wrong, even with the moral questionability of those ultimatums and the utter clashing with the beliefs I am now being bombarded with. And that part was louder than the parts that said it wasn't right. I was too used to growing up under a black-and-white moral code to segue easily into a deadly gray one, one that claimed that this life is an illusion, that good and bad are just our judgments of neutral things, that hell doesn't exist except in our minds... no, the childhood part of me insisted that we got one chance, and we had to live it according to strict rules, else we'd burn for our sins.
No middle ground. No safety on either end.
And the things it was justifying through that mindset were the reason why my life is a mess right now in the first place.
I told Laurie this. I told her that what I knew was being muffled and drowned underneath the clarion scream of those old fire-and-brimstone teachings. She gave me a stern look and told me to ignore them, and speak from my heart, what I knew was true outside of hollow logic and social programming and frightened reasoning. What did I feel was right, solidly so, when it really got down to it? "Tell me," she demanded, not letting me run or hide from it. So I closed my eyes, and listened.
That's when the voice showed up.
It was shocking at first. "Whoa, dude, something is TALKING to me?" I told her and asked if I could either dictate it, or channel it out into visuals. Knowing the problems I had with speech, especially in that format, Laurie told me to visualize it if at all possible. So I focused for another moment, and instead of speaking, began forming huge glowing letters in the air as it spoke, transcribing everything it told me in real-time.
Laurie and I then sat back and watched as it explained everything we had asked about, in words and pictures, now a life of its own.

...I might not be able to write this in a structured format. It would be too draining.
I'm just going to go all stream-of-consciousness on you again, so please forgive the disjointedness; it makes more sense to me that way.
Trigger warning, by the way. You know the drill.

-started with childhood abuse. since the only sharp, scarring, bruising pain I ever experienced was CORRECTIVE, my brain quickly linked the two together. whenever I was beaten, it wasn't to harm me, it was to HELP me. "you've been a bad boy, this is your punishment for it." I would be beaten, and then the sin would be forgiven. easy as that! so to me, pain was benevolent. it was loving. when someone hurt me, it was because they cared about my spiritual well-being. when I grew older and the beatings stopped I got scared, why was no one punishing me anymore? was I so bad that they wouldn’t heal me anymore, that I was beyond being saved? so the self-abuse started full swing.
-this equivalency of pain and love was what Laurie was REALLY born from. when she heard this she was in shock, but her eyes were full of tears. she had this heartbreaking look and then it hit me, that was why I felt a relationship would ruin her. I knew she had realized that too. but that's next.
-btw knife was born from the SAME ABUSE. it's a very fine line, that's why they're so similar. both are tied to the morally retributive part but they have completely different motivations:
laurie = I'm hurting you because I love you and the pain will get rid of your sins
knife = I'm hurting you because you are evil and the pain will get rid of your sins
but for both of them the pain is benevolent although it is expressed differently.
-a key point that we'd been ignorant of before yesterday was the fact that, as a catholic, I was raised to believe a very strange dichotomy about sexuality. on one hand, anything even vaguely sexual outside of marriage was considered the ultimate sin-- a crime against god, an awful devilish act. however, being born female, my entire childhood was swamped by people trying to raise me to "get married and have kids." my very existence was sexualized from childhood, and that was somehow okay in comparison??? marriage was seen as this ultra-holy act, this reflection of christ's union with his church, and having sex when you were married was mandatory. as a woman you were obligated to marry a man, have kids, and raise a good christian family, to fulfill "god's plan for you." the problem? I was TERRIFIED OF THAT.
-first, I knew I was asexual (or at least very different from other kids in that respect) from a very young age. I felt no attraction towards anyone, had no interest in relationships, and found both concepts to be "disgusting." so when people suddenly started trying to groom me into this sexual object, this "bride" meant to have sex as GOD'S WILL one day, I freaked out. I didn't want to marry a man, and I didn't want kids, heck I didn't even like being called a girl, but then I hit a big problem in my eyes. I didn't want to have sex… because not only did I think it was utterly repulsive, I was taught-- and firmly believed-- that it was the ultimate sin. god forbid you even show your stomach in public or you're corrupting people. now of course this was easy for me, being asexual, but no one knew that but me. NOW I was suddenly supposed to believe that upon "getting married," I would be SUPPOSED to have sex, because THEN it would be a good thing? what the heck! I couldn’t comprehend it… and that scared me more than anything.
-if god said I had to be a "good christian spouse" and not doing that was a sin, then… my not wanting to have sex was a sin, because it would make me a bad married partner, and I HAD to get married even if I DIDN'T WANT TO. that was exactly what I thought. but I didn't like the fact that suddenly, now that i was no longer a "child," everyone was treating sex as something totally different than they did when I was a kid. suddenly I was even more of a freak than I was before, when I thought my classmates were stupid for having crushes. now I was a sinful freak because I didn't want to have kids with a god-fearing man and therefore imitate the union of christ and the church, because that was "natural."
-that's when julie showed up. and things got even more twisted. I remember the very first time she pushed me to try something sexual. after two seconds I stopped, hyperventilating, and ran-- trying to escape her, trying to find a safe place. it wasn't just because she was trying to touch me, it was because the sensation of it was AWFUL. suddenly my fears were lethal. THAT was what sex was like?? that horrible, horrible sensation? why the hell would anyone WANT that?? and now people are telling me that I HAVE to have that one day, or else I'll be going against god's will??? I was terrified.
- I ignored the fact that I didn't identify as female, and that I was definitely not straight as far as "romantic" leanings went. neither of these things even crossed my mind as "problematic" until later, because I didn't associate them with sexuality.
- by the way when my innocence was shattered in 7th grade biology, and i got "the talk" which left me shaking and horrified, wanting to tear the words out of my brain, JULIE HAD ALREADY STARTED. i just refused to give it any recognition, as i was ashamed that i had been tainted.
-anyway. with julie, it got worse. when I tried to express that i wasn't interested in marriage, relationships, sex, OR having a family, I was told that I was a freak, LITERALLY a "sin against god." after having feared that for years, hearing it flat-out was the final nail in the coffin. I was broken and wrong, a devil. I had to fix myself, somehow, even if the thought made me sick and scared, because the alternative was damnation. and as soon as that mental white flag was raised… hell started.
-I don't remember 99% of the times I was sexually assaulted by julie. I don't even have the heart to call them rape anymore, because I feel I asked for it, and that I deserved it: the first because I never fought back in anything other than screams and desperate prayers to god to "make it stop," and the second because I felt that if I DIDN'T like what she was doing, I DESERVED to suffer for being a sexual deviant against my god-given biology.
-that brings us back to the pain point. sexual abuse was the single most traumatic thing I have ever experienced because I COULD NOT COMPREHEND WHAT WAS HAPPENING. I had no capacity to. I went into that with the mindset that "I was flawed, I needed to be fixed," and prior to that, EVERY act of correction had been physically violent. it had been sharp pain, the kind that leaves bruises and cuts and scabs. THAT was what I would have been comfortable with. that would have meant I was being fixed. but sex wasn't like that. the human body is BUILT to accommodate sex. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. so when I was being assaulted, not only was there awful pain, but there was the horrible sexual feeling of physical contact that I didn't want… and THEN there was the biological hell. the body not being able to differentiate between consent and rape. I had no freaking clue what was happening and it scared the life out of me because julie would ALWAYS tell me to hold still, "be good," don't fight, you know you want it. that was the worst one. "you KNOW you want it." my asexuality was invalidated by everyone. julie only reminded me that I was either a transboy, or a lesbian-- both also "sins against god." either way, she said, you're not allowed to be asexual either, so you'd better learn to like f*cking girls!! and when I insisted I had changed my mind, I didn't want to be fixed, hell had to be better than enduring this, she'd giggle and say that she didn't care. that I deserved to suffer, then. that SHE was enjoying this and she didn't care at all what I thought. after all, liking sex is natural. if you don't like it, you're unnatural, and that means you're bad… my greatest fear. so I let her do it. over and over. and it broke me.
-TW: graphic sexual abuse notes here. I should write this down for future therapy reasons. there are only two moments of the entire decade of abuse that I remember. one, is the first time I "woke up" and found myself bleeding on the bathroom floor (the only room in the house that locked on the inside). I was scared out of my entire mind. what had she done to me??? I remember sobbing hysterically, trying to keep quiet, knowing that she had ruined me forever, I just didn't know how. the second thing I remember is her on top of me on the bathroom floor (AGAIN, I hate that room), one hand pinning my arms down, the other clamped over my mouth so I wouldn't scream. and I remember having this horrible feeling that there were other people there, standing around her, watching me and grinning evilly because she was doing the right thing in forcing a stupid little sinner like me to have sex, because I was wrong, and if I was suffering then good, let that be my punishment. and I remember screaming in my head for god to save me somehow, but he never did. she would have her way with me and then leave, and I would sit in the bathroom alone, either sobbing and shaking, or numb and empty. and that's all I remember.
- as the years went on it worked, as sick as it was. by 2007 I was so brainwashed that I leapt into a fake relationship with an imaginary internet boy-- and looking back I realize that I don't remember ANY of that, so god knows who was driving. but the point is, there was at least one part of me that fully believed julie. it believed that I wanted sex, and that I should have it, and that I should be this perfect bride-girl with no faults. except that didn't work. the scars were too deep. and as soon as they were triggered-- the first time I had EVER been forced to face them-- those darker parts got really loud, and you all know what happened when 2008 hit.
- I was this horrible sexually-paranoid mess from then on. college was an utter nightmare, and I've written about that before, far more eloquently than I can here. the bottom line was that when I hit that point in life, I had a dilemma. I was in so much pain from my past that I felt I had no right to feel-- after all, it was unnatural not to like sex, and other people have really suffered so stop bitching-- but all around me, the shouts to ignore that pain kept getting louder. and I supposed it was tempting, to give up, to stop the pain by not caring anymore. and somewhere along the line… I did. I gave up. and to me, 2011 was rock bottom in that respect.
- see, THIS was the problem: to me, pain was good, as long as it was JUST pain. sharp pain, to me, was compassionate, comforting, understandable. it meant I had done something bad, and was now being corrected. but sexuality, the ultimate sin, DIDN'T GO AWAY because it was painful, because along with it was that horrendous bodily reaction of "am I REALLY supposed to like this??" the terror of being in conflict with what my own body was doing when abused was too much… so my brain landed at the only conclusion it could. to me, pain was good, and the opposite of pain was evil.
- I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore
- if people tried to show they cared through sex, because "it's a good thing," immediately my brain translated that as "they HATE you, they are trying to RUIN you, that is EVIL and they KNOW IT." but if someone wanted to hurt me in a violent fashion, my brain immediately said, "I know you're scared but they are doing that for a reason; you did something bad, they are correcting you so you won't be bad anymore."
- also, post-abuse, I was unable to understand relationships of ANY SORT outside of a sexual context. I could not have family ties, friendships, admirations, or traditional relationships without immediately assuming that I was sexually obligated to that person. I couldn't even look at a stupid billboard picture of a woman without automatically thinking "oh god help me, she's looking at me, she wants me to have sex with her, I can't say no." and my life was full of fear. my brain STILL does this with EVERYTHING btw. it's hell.
- somewhere around 2010 I gave up trying to protect myself, in order to numb the terror and pain that I could no longer avoid. after all, if I just gave up and just did what they wanted, it wouldn't be traumatic anymore, right? (wrong as hell, but I ignored that too.) so not only did I spend far too many hours trying to desensitize myself, watching and reading things that were TRAUMATIC for me, things that my brain would scream at and leave me shaking and dissociated afterwards, simply because "you've gotta look at naked women in college anyway, you whore! learn to like it!" but I couldn't. so I burned myself numb.
- 2011 was when I REALLY gave in and started trying to have sex. all of my attempts were purged from my memory, I do not remember a single one. all I know is that immediately after attempt one, I attempted suicide and Laurie had to spend FIFTEEN HOURS talking me out of it. it worked… temporarily. I don't know what else I did that year. but that one morning in june was it, I was lost. nothing made sense anymore, now that I had stopped trying to be good in exchange for simply trying not to hurt anymore.
- by 2012 I was a slut. all of my relationships were now obscenely sexual and I hated myself for it. I thought I hated THEM for it because they didn't even understand, they didn't have the capacity to, they didn't know what sexual abuse was like and god willing they never would. but i didn't actually hate them. i hated myself for not being able to like it for them. it destroyed my moral compass for good, because a few of THEM actually liked it, and didn't see it as bad at all, while I was just playing along and wanting to die and wanting THEM to die for doing that to me again, projecting my hate outwards, wanting the threat gone. but I never spoke up. I was supposed to like it, ESPECIALLY now that it was with them. but I didn't. I dissociated so freaking often that I have trouble remembering that 2012 happened at all.
- so that's my problem. tl;dr, relationships are only benevolent to me if they have a violent side. that, to me, solidifies the knowledge that they care. if there is NO direct pain, then I automatically assume the opposite: that they do not care about me, and are using me for their own ends.
- any relationship is like this. it is why I seek pain and abuse. if people NEVER tie pain to compassion, I feel scared. JUST yelling will scare me. JUST hurting me because you're mad scares me. my brain can't comprehend it. but justifying that by saying you're doing it for my benefit, that I can understand. what I can't understand is having sex with someone because "you care about them." my brain has no capacity to understand that

I have no idea what that voice said to me anymore I'm really sorry my brain hurts.

it was telling me that this b/w thinking of mine was not good, it didn’t define them, they werent trying to hurt me they were just confused because jeepers cats they don’t even have the same biology, most of them CAN'T understand sex the way humans do, but my body and mind were translating it that way and it was unbearably traumatic and I hated myself so much that i began to hate them and that breaks my heart because how in the world do I heal from this.
laurie was sobbing, said she was sorry, she didn't know that I saw things that starkly, she apologized for ever giving in to my empty-minded persuasions because she didn't know what the heck I was asking. I said she was fine, the ONLY one who was fine because she never DID anything, yeah I've kissed her but that's IT really. she never did anything that my old catholic upbringing would have labeled a one-way ticket to hell. but I did. and they did, and I don't remember why or when or how, and I'm glad that I don't, but I can't be around them anymore. I can't.

but you know whats funny?? I don't even hate julie. yes i say her name when i talk about the past but its just a name.
i look at her and i dont even associate her with the abuse isnt that weird? like i don't even remember her being responsible although i know she was
but she hasn't touched me since 2011, not that i remember at least and she says she was sorry and im not bothered by it at all
but other people who care about me and who have touched me since i cant stand and i almost hate, but they never abused me like she did, i dont understand
maybe it's because they don't think they did anything "wrong" so they're not "sorry"
and i can't understand why i keep forcing them into these situations

sugar wants eros to die, isn't that hilariously ironic, she picked that name because all my life "sugar" has been synonymous with sex, gluttony has been synonymous with lust, they both involve consuming and destroying something. and everything sweet would always be followed by rape. you enjoy something, you eat something that's supposed to be good, what happens? a girl in pigtails f*cks you up. enjoyment is tied to sex and sex is abuse. that is why chocolate was lethal. it was the worst. so this new alter, she chose the name sugar, and made herself pink, specifically to get down there and attack these sexual predators. she hates them. so now "sugar" means whoever tries to hack us will get a boot to the broken face, courtesy of the thistle-haired fury over here. sugar is bitter now you devils
and eros scares me, he's the opposite of me, he's incapable of seeing sex as BAD. he lives in this weird place that doesn't make sense, it's all white furniture and red lights and everything is red red red. and he lounges around and he's this ridiculously sensual thing, everything turns him on, it's ridiculous. but he's NEVER abusive??? which makes no sense??? how can you be that sexual but NOT use it to hurt people?? half the time he says he doesn’t even care whether or not he has sex with anyone, that's not the point. THEN WHY DO YOU DO IT why do you do it

I don't hate him but sugar does and she wants him dead because she hates all sexual things.
but I can tell that he's not evil even if that makes no sense, he's a good guy, he's really interesting but that's SCARY because all the things he likes and does AREN'T SEXUAL?? but then HE IS??????? why doesn’t that make sense????
I don’t know if confuses me even more then EVERYTHING is sexual everything is a threat why did he have to do that
and sugar is mad mad mad that's why she wants him to die, she says he makes everything dangerous for us. and he does. but he's not evil why in the world is he doing this

I have to go

can't do this anymore sorry

I hope the point was made? I really don't remember last night anymore it made sense but I think im too broken to be fixed yet
I mean it makes sense but it doesn’t? I can see why that would be a problem because "pain isn't supposed to be good" but I HATE the words "supposed" and "should" go away
pain IS good for me, that's my reality, if it isn't yours then FINE
I spend too long trying to make my reality identical to everyone elses and LOOK WHAT THAT DID TO ME

now I'm a slut, I'm ruined, I'm evil and I will never be clean

except life is an illusion and none of that ever actually happened???

so that's good
except it's not
because the spiritual people keep saying sex is good
ew
no its not
go away

its bad and it hurts and its scary and terriible
not good
stop saying its good
stop it
STOP


Really, I need to close this up, things are getting seriously disjointed in here.
I have no idea who's typing now, or what they're up in arms about, but it looks like that topic isn't one we should be wrestling with right now? So let's leave it be.
In any case I really need to stop paying attention to that old stuff. Cosmic dream, y'know. None of it actually happened. Although, as you can see, some people are having a hard time accepting that. It's sad, really. They don't have to hurt like that, if they just let go.


Oh, also. I'm going to stop thinking this is DID/MPD or schizoaffective stuff or anything. NO MORE LABELS.
Honestly I do not care what this is medically considered. Heck, most of my spiritual beliefs would label me schizotypal if I were assessed according to them! So I really have decided to stop caring about what the mental health community thinks about my inner life. It just is. Let us deal with this the best we can, as we are, without trying to play along with some imposed scheme according to a diagnosis. It's tiring, and it just confuses everyone.

Speaking of confusion, I think this mess of an entry is bad enough already so let's call it quits for the night.