090813

[prismaticbleed]

 

Hm.
Similar to yesterday, I'm currently trying to enter a contest on Aywas, where I must create a personality for a custom pet in order to win it. Said pet is a sparkly purple bat; of course I'm trying to win it! (I'm NOT going back to the site after this though; it's too tiring.)
However, I've realized a problem... despite my alleged "creativity," I'm having a great deal of difficulty thinking of anything for this.
Seriously, I have about twelve personality generators up right now, but I cannot seem to "imagine a personality" around the traits I'm given. I'm so used to "narrowing everything down" to lists, that I am actually struggling to see a "person" in those lists now.
I've also encountered a very surprising difficulty elsewhere: the first "idea" I had for this pet's personality was that of a young artist, who is blind (the pet has milky eyes) but, being a bat, can use echolocation to see. However they cannot "see" colors this way, and this pains them. So I was trying to think of how they would work to overcome that, but as soon as I got to that point in the draft, something in my head went "how cheesy and childish is that? Stop making everything into a 'special snowflake' and grow up. Your ideas are all far too immature, naive, cliched, and shallow."
Are they? Am I?

Honestly, I cannot tell. That accusation makes sense. I know I'm still incredibly childish, it causes me a great deal of trouble with societal interactions the way it is. Heck, I even struggle to read "adult" books because I don't understand the darker, violent, and/or businesslike concepts in them. I naturally gravitate towards more simple and innocent things, especially in designs, but all of a sudden I'm feeling like I should be condemned for that? I try to draw cute things, I feel guilty. I try to enjoy the more simple and pure things that children do, and I feel as if I've done something abominable. I'm always crushed by humiliation, not because I don't like what I'm doing, but because I feel so out of place now, both to myself and everyone else.
Part of it is the "body dysphoria" if you still want to call it that. It's not just gender. I've been giving it some sincere thought, and I've realized that my previous confusion over gender wasn't just due to wanting to be nongendered-- it was also due to not wanting to have an adult body. When that hit me, it was like a huge light went on! It's why, as a kid, I didn't care what I was considered: I didn't have any sexual characteristics, so it didn't matter. But when puberty hit, both options I had were wrong. Yes, I admired male bodies more, but that was because to me, they were more androgynous. I think I consciously ignored the fact that they had reproductive organs until I was 18 or so, and could no longer ignore it thanks to the horror of art class. But you already know about that. Point is, I don't know how I never consciously realized this point before. It makes so much sense. I don't just want to be nongendered, I want my body to be in a state where it cannot be sexualized either. Being an adult, even an androgynous one, still makes me feel stuck in this society where all adults live on some totally different plane of reality than children do. I've never felt at home there. So that's what's so bizarre about this extreme "guilt" when I try to be "true to myself" (a phrase that makes no logical sense) and do the things I like, youthful things.
But you know what the weirdest part is, and the biggest sign to me that something is very wrong here? "Adult things"-- everything from finances to politics to relationships-- drain all my joy and make me want to cry, fittingly like a lost child. "I want to go home." It feels like suddenly I've ended up in this different and scary game, where people fight and hurt each other, and no one seems to see things like they used to. And I feel obligated to drown all my imagination and lightheartedness whenever people see me as an adult. (I think that also explains a lot of the Utah trouble I recorded, in hindsight.) But it's FORCED. So why do I feel like I have NO CHOICE but to be a emotionless, mechanical adult, when every time I become aware of that, some little kid inside me starts to cry, begging to just stop? Why, when I try to listen to that part of me and be joyful again, does some loud and shameful part of this "programming" berate me for being immature, stupid, selfish, and wasting time?

I hope that makes sense. I'm very disturbed that I can't seem to "tap into my creativity" now without feeling mortified with shame. Emphasis on that, it's why I keep trying to use strong words. It's the kind of humiliating guilt that makes you want to erase yourself from existence. It's bad! And that from just trying to be playful and bright? Why?
I can't help but think this is strongly tied to the fact that I've forgotten how to feel emotions, which you already know. They no longer make sense to me. Either they feel like they're coming from outside, or they feel utterly senseless and illogical. Like, when anger or sorrow or guilt or sad shame appear. They surge up hugely, but I can feel that tidal wave of emotion, as it hurts a lot, and I just look at it like "what is that? Where did that come from?" And as long as I look at it, it stays down. It fades away or hides in a corner. I don't 'feel' it, I just look at it, detached. But sometimes those emotions are loud and they try to boil under the surface, which is annoying, because of course I'm not going to express something that ridiculous. What do those emotions want me to do? Scream? Cry? Hurt myself or someone else? No way. I'm not falling for your tricks. I'm just going to ignore you, because you will hurt someone. Emotions aren't real anyway, they're just reactions.
But it's weird. Positive emotions are the same way. I'm actually very "frightened" by things like laughter and celebration, at least the sort that I encounter socially. It feels false, fake, and too bright like a spotlight in your eyes. It hurts! I don't like it. That's why I avoid friendships now. Every friendship" I've had in the past has been like that, blinding and painful. People want to play games, or tell jokes, or be silly, or ridiculous, and it's so physically and emotionally straining for me that my autopilot wears out very quickly, causing my composure to collapse, and if I don't get out of there soon I either get violent or start crying. It's so weird! But I don't like friendships now as a result. People who only want to "have fun" make me so tired and sad. I can't do that. I can't play games like you do, it hurts me. But then people don't like to be around me because "you're too emotionless" and "you're so boring" and "no one can relate to you" and "you're not interested in anything!" They get angry and mad at me and that hurts too because is that bad? Is that wrong? I can't force myself to be shallowly "happy" like that anymore. Why does everyone dislike me for that? Why do I care?
I guess I just want to share real joy with someone, the kind I get from my work... but not directly I guess. Direct communication is too overwhelming, I never know how to drive. It's scary. And I don't want to "be a person." Agh it's this again. You know about that though, the "I don't want an identity because then people pay attention to "ME" which is a fake construct, instead of my work which is real and beautiful and makes the identity-less 'me' really happy." So I want fans of my work, not friends. That's all I've ever wanted, actually, now that I look back on my life. It's why I can't "keep friends," because they have 100% different expectations in that respect! But I'm SURE I could "keep" fans, boy oh boy that thought is exciting. Just how do I share things with people, so they can like and love and be happy with those things too? I don't know.
Anyway. Back to the emotion thing. THAT'S what I mean by "real happiness." It's NOT an emotion. It doesn't come from anywhere, like other emotions do. It's more of a state of mind. I get it when I work, when I'M NOT IN THE PICTURE! As soon as I start thinking in terms of "me" and "my" and "I" the happiness goes away. And that's why I don't like the adult world either. Everyone there says you NEED to have "me" and "my" and "I" and I DON'T WANT THOSE.
Oh well. I'm not angry, capslock just gives emphasis. I guess I'm just exasperated? Like why am I still asking questions. I'm thinking too much.

Ironically, fear is the one emotion" that is the most common, and the hardest to ignore. It's because that one is rarely an "emotion" strictly, it's mostly a "protective reaction." So that makes it tricky. I have to constantly wonder, is this fear fake, or is it something I should pay attention to? And that gets frustrating, because when I ignore it, it's almost always a bad move, and I get stuck in a bad situation that makes the fear worse (even though I keep squashing it and insisting it's fake). But when I do give into it, thinking "all right, maybe you have a reason to be afraid," I feel foolish and stupid and embarrassed, and it turns out that whatever I'm afraid of is silly.
Maybe there's a connection? Maybe there's a reason why I tend to ignore the protective fear and acknowledge the silly fear. Maybe subconsciously, I want to pretend that the things my mind is still REALLY afraid of are fake and not real-- something I STILL can't convince myself of 100% although I want to.
I will repeat that again for relevance. I think that's the number one thing I want to tackle in therapy:
"If my past was allegedly painful, but today I can live without looking at the past, does that make the past irrelevant?"
If so, then I can't have PTSD because it doesn't count anymore. BUT then there's the problem of:
"If I am reminded of the past today, in a very direct way, and I instinctively react with fear and pain and deep sadness.. are those emotions still fake, as they are reacting to a fake imagined reality? What do I do with them?"

Time is so weird. I've never understood it much.

 

 

I need to let go of ALL logical analysis and beliefs about reality.
I must stop thinking about it. I must stop thinking about everything.
I was right with one thing: I should NOT EVER update here again.

I'm going to get off the internet for tonight. I might do a bit of art, or read some more Animorphs. I'd like to exercise more but I have to be careful of my medical problems, so I don't make them worse (it happens). Oh well. Not going to worry! BYE!

 

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@ 11:55 pm

 

 

Final post.

"Everything is happening here to aid in your expansion, even that which is disturbing to you."

My closing goals, for therapy and personal work at all times:

1. Remember how to feel emotions again
2. Feel and RELEASE all the pain, anger, fear, sorrow, etc. you never accepted
3. Stop labeling everything as selfish/ sinful/ etc. and stop seeing your self as "evil"
4. Remember how to "have a self" and acknowledge/fulfill your own needs
5. Stop being so logical and analytical about everything, esp. about "being good"
6. You DO have a future. Figure out what YOU want to do with it, with JOY.
7. Just live in love dude. Open your heart and everything's gonna be all right.


And that's it!
Thanks for reading guys, but all that old stuff is closing up now.
It's been fun. Bye!