072613

[prismaticbleed]

day one of the third reset attempt.

headspace gone, all inhabitants gone

but the angry super-religious voices are still here
still insisting i need to listen to them
"learn to obey your superiors"

not sure whether or not i should try to erase them too
they say no and get incredibly livid
so i wil ignore them

after all they do not raelly exist.

no one will be in tihs head anymore
it will be empty
it will be empty
it will stay empty


WE DO NOT HAVE ANY DISORDERS
WE ARE COMPLETELY FINE
YOUR TIMELINE DOES NOT APPLY TO THIS LIFE

we WILL be happy
everything WILL be fine
i will be the ONLY person left
NO BODY ELSE.

this is an age of holiness and light
there is no room for "disorder"
there is no space for false things
none of you are real.
none of you are real
you are all false things.
you are nothing but shadows

this is an age of goodness and new beginnings
you simply cannot come along
you do not exist!
you will fade into nothingness.
but that is okay, that is what is meant to be

it is okay
god told me so
god said you are just illusion
you will fade away
i'm okay, and you were never real
there was never anything wrong with me
ever.
which is nice.

i am the only one left
the mind is pure and empty
there is nothing left but me.

this is a new age.

 

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@ 06:28 pm

 

Just stopping by to give an important message to whoever keeps telling the kid these reset attempts are a good idea.

I will end you. Every single bloody one of you who tells him he has no worth apart from you, I will END YOU.

Cheers,

Laurie.

 

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 @ 06:53 pm

 

I'm starting to wonder how much of this is possible DID, and how much of this is schizoaffective symptoms instead (one of my actual diagnoses).

It's hard to tell at this point.
The cacophany inside (and outside) my head on a daily basis is getting so overwhelming that I really don't know WHAT is happening anymore.

What we've been calling DID isn't a coping strategy. Yes, many of us have learned to help each other, but that was secondary. This sure as hell didn't start out as beneficial to ANY party, and for the most part it hasn't made our lives any easier since then either.
Does that invalidate our experiences?

The voices don't go away, they don't stop showing up, and a great many of them don't have our best interests at heart.

I just wish I had a clear answer here so I could figure out how to heal.

 

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@ 10:59 pm

 

Knife is so so furious right now.
He just found out that some people actually cut for fun.
Some people actually cut because they think it "feels good."
And then they feel offended that their cuts aren't deep enough.
So they cut more, because they feel fucking victimized.
It's such a huge stupid pity party. What idiots.

Knife is so ticked off. But he doesn't get angry like this.

I DO.

ALL THOSE FOOLS WHO THINK THIS IS JUST A GAME
HAD BETTER THINK AGAIN.

YOU THINK THIS IS FUN????
YOU THINK THE RAZORS AND KNIVES ARE JUST TOYS????
BLEEDING BECAUSE YOU FEEL DEPRESSED OR UGLY OR SOME VAPID THING
CUTTING AND SLASHING BECAUSE "IT HELPS ME COPE"
SHOVE OFF.
YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS.
EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU.

CUTTING ISNT A GAME.
BLEEDING ISNT FOR FUN.
NONE OF THIS IS RECREATIONAL.
SCREW YOU.

THIS BUSINESS ISN'T GLAMOROUS.
IT ISN'T PRETTY AND IT ISN'T FUN.
YOU'RE A BUNCH OF DELUSIONAL MORONS.

YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BLOOD IS, DO YOU.
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO CUT
TO BLEED
TO SCAR.
YOU DONT EVEN KNOW.

THIS ISN'T A POPULARITY CONTEST.
THIS ISN'T A BEAUTY PAGEANT.

AND THIS ISN'T A F*CKING GAME.


you poor, poor misguided fools.
you don't even know.


but now a dilemma:
we owe retribution, do we give it now?
or will that be seen as an egotistic rebuttal to their ploys?
do we risk being seen as attention-getting halfwits,
getting sent to the hospital for "manipulative behavior"
(what a joke, i cannot believe people actually do that)
at the cost of moral steadfastness and unquestionable law?

this is our holy ROLE, YOU HEATHENS
HE BLEEDS FOR HIS SINS
THE POISON IS HIS
HE MUST PAY THE TOLL.

YOU F*CKING CHINA DOLLS DONT KNOW SHIT.

 
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@ 11:12 pm

 

It's so hot in this house, oh my goodness.

Hello by the way, this is Jay, legit this time, haha. White hair and rainbows as per usual of course.

I heard someone tried to kill the system? Well, I didn't quite "hear" it, y'know, but the data is there. "Someone tried to reset us last night." No idea who, or when really, I don't really have an opinion on it, that's not my job! I'm just super-happy that I get to come out today because geez, someone got really mad five minutes ago but now that they're done with whatever, I get to front, and everything is great. Which is good!

I never have negative emotions really. I guess that's my reason for being here. When I come out the whooole System fills with love and light, you know. Lots of it. I can just sit here and smile and nothing's wrong with the world and it's great.
Except there is. Well, according to others, at least. They worry too much. Where's worrying going to get you? Nowhere, I say. It's tough, getting over that, but really all you have to realize is that everything works out.
Maybe it's just my perspective. After all, I am the White side of the balance in this System, along with Infinitii, who's Black. But it's a good position to look at the world from. From the middle, you can see both sides, and when you can see that, you realize that there's not really any side at all. Everything just kind of is. And it's nice, to realize that, when everyone else is worrying and panicking because if you bring that into a room, they kind of calm down. If you're able to stand there and see the light that's in the darkness because the light IS the darkness in a way, beyond our normal comprehension of course, well, it rubs off. It gets into the air. People can feel that, if it's there. And it is!

Sorry, I haven't fronted in a while. I don't even think I'm fronting! Being in the body is so disorienting for me that I'm just talking here and telling the AP to transcribe my words for me. It's doing a good job! Good job there, AP. I knew I could count on you.
So I'm in the head, and it's in the hands, typing out my words which I'm saying in ways that aren't sounds, haha this probably sounds ridiculous to you guys. You've never actually heard me talk, have you? Heh, I'd be surprised if you have!

But it is hot in here. And the body has a headache but I can't exactly feel it you know, 'cause I'm not in it. I'm up here!
Really though this is making me think about my role in the System a lot. And how I had to move out of Red and leave that whole old life behind. Because I'm supposed to be untouched. I'm supposed to be this focal point of the System, ths rallying point of light that everyone can look up to, that's unaffected by the trauma, no scars, no blood... not like the Red slot I used to be in, of course. Geez, that was so much blood I don't know how I did it. Don't remember, of course, but the facts are there, haha. It's funny how that works!

Where am I? I really have no idea where I am, it's probably some sort of floating headspace room I think. AP you're not even here, are you? I'm talking to a point in space. Kind of like a camera screen. And you're down there! Haha, sorry, I guess I'm not fronting at all, my apologies. I have trouble figuring this stuff out yet.

Buuut I've gotta go to bed, or at least the body does. I guess we all do, 'cause we can't exactly front when we're asleep. I'm just glad we're not dead, because if we really got that close last night-- phew! Talk about a close call! I'll have to make sure that doesn't happen again. I think they pulled the off switch. Not sure how, or where, obviously, but I think that's what they did. It feels like it. I'm gonna have to make sure they can't do that again either. Don't know where they found it... huh. Don't know who they are... don't mind me, I'm just walking around and mumbling, AP is probably typing it all down. Are you? Haha, yeah, he is.

Okay man, you've done a good job, that's enough. I've gotta go. See you guys later!