the spectrum heart cathedral system

...Stuff keeps happening to me. Bad stuff.

First off is the Celexa withdrawal. I couldn't move without the room spinning for over a week... now that vertigo has focused itself on my eyes. I can't even see straight, let alone conquer the awful dizziness. I won't even mention the other 30+ side effects I'm going through right now (no, I'm not kidding).
I fell asleep at 2AM on Wednesday and woke up at 5PM. I then fell asleep again until 9, and had an attack. It left me so emotionally and physically drained that I ended up sobbing into my wreck of a bed for a good 20 minutes before I thoroughly exhausted myself. Not knowing what else to do, I asked Mel to pray for me and tried to get back to sleep. I didn't.
From 9PM to 2AM, I was wide awake, my entire body in pain. I was suffocating in a strange room and having one heck of an existential crisis... at one point I even found myself begging for God to just take me, as my trials were slowly destroying me... but then I realized that I couldn't die, not now. For one, if I died now I don't know where I'd go. I'm far from at peace with myself, and I've been making so many horrible mistakes...
I finally fell asleep around 3 and woke up again at 7AM. I was still in awful pain, but I dragged myself into the kitchen to force down some breakfast. Unluckily for me, everything edible in this apartment makes me dreadfully ill, so my attempt to get back on track after suffering 29 hours of hell only knocked me in deeper. I was trying hard not to throw up for about 10 minutes afterwards.
Now I'm here at Apollo, trying to document all this despite this madly spinning room and my toxic insides. It's mornings like this that I feel more lost than ever.

I've been at war with myself for the past 2 decades now, but lately things have really hit a fever pitch. I've been having spiritual meltdowns and my strength has been so depleted that even the slightest triggers are utterly ravaging me.
I'm terrified of the world out there. I can't even check my dA, Tumblr, or FB without getting a full-out mindrape from someone's sickeningly primal posts. It's blocking me from inspiring and reaching out to people, and I'm beginning to panic.
Not only that, but the existential crises I tend to suffer so often have decided to hit me every day now, except this time around they're bringing some very unsettling spiritual arguments with them.
"Without being at peace with yourself, you can't make it into heaven."
"Sin can suggest, but it cannot make you do anything. We are all given the chance to choose."
"You need to distinguish between what you feel is right, and what you know is right. Often the notion of 'following one's heart' is used as an excuse to avoid doing what is best because it's 'too hard' or complicated."
The path to hell is paved with good intentions, and all I've ever wanted to do is the right thing.
I'm so terrified right now.
God, don't let me do this to myself. Please.

...My angel had a sword last night.
I could see him there, standing beside my bed, just tall enough that his helmet was blocked by the canopy. Yet I saw the sword he solemnly held, and it filled me with crushing fear. Was it for me? Was I really to die?
I fell asleep moments after watching him attack something beside my bed... I don't know what it was, but he saved me from it. Thank you God.

I can't help but wonder if I really am 'the one,' as the black light machine told me. I don't want to be egotistical or selfish. I don't. I have no idea how the lives of others work, and so I can't say if I truly am unique in this, but... look at me. Look at my life so far.
Every time I come close to pretty much damning myself, someone or something shows up to stop me, or at least try to... and those messengers aren't quite typical either.
As a child, I tried to rebel against the faith my grandmother was forcing upon me. God gave me Preludove and showed me the right path to follow.
Growing up, I thought that the world around me knew what was best for me. God gave me three angels and taught me what love honestly was.
As a teenager, I lost sight of myself and my purpose. God gave me an amber child to take care of and so rediscover myself in the process.
Now in my adulthood, it seems that every day I'm finding something new and amazing, always in the face of something equally dark.
Q, Mel, Jim, Ben, Dori and Jena are only part of that beautiful picture... even things like music, books, movies, anything He can work through, He works through.

Did you know that, every time I catch myself at the edge of an attack, something happens to warn me? Every time.
On Tuesday, Mel sent me a text the second before I was about to give in. Wednesday night, a car drove by my window and cast a sparkling array of light against my canopy... the only car that drove by all night, and it did just as I was losing myself. It can be a sound, a sight, a feeling, it can even be in the form of someone upstairs showing up, but there's always an interruption. I'm just too blind to acknowledge every one, I'll confess. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, and considering how drained I've been lately, it's not helping one bit.
And yet God has never given up on me, not once, despite all the horrible mistakes I've made. He's always standing at the top of that hill, always waiting for his prodigal son to wander back, even for the thousandth time.
It brings me to tears to even think about it, but it's true.


That's why I'm so desperate to get myself back on the right track.
Something dark, something terrible has been eating away at me lately. Every time I try to sleep it's there, screwing up my perceptions, questioning my motives, corrupting my dreams. I'm scared to death of it but I don't know how to chase it away. Maybe it's another necessary trial, but God, if it's not please take it away from me.
It's the main reason why I haven't been working on my art or writing lately. That thing tries to destroy them behind my back. It takes those people-- the closest things I will ever have to children-- and it tries to make me see them as wrong, as evil, as mistakes. For lack of a better term, it's trying to make me abort my own kids once they've already been born. Whatever abomination is doing this to me, I want it GONE.
I can't even create a light for fear that it will reveal that thing hiding in the shadows, that it will murder me as soon as sight is given.
It's killing me. I can't go on like this.


I keep stumbling across people who hate. I don't understand it, but it scares me because the more I see, the more it tries to creep into my mind. I don't want it.
Life isn't about selfish desires or gains or wants. Just because you refuse to look into or even acknowledge someone else's point of view, doesn't mean that your own are infallible.
Life is a very frightening thing because there are so many conflicts, so many wrong turns and red herrings and false prophets. Sometimes I don't even know where I'm walking, and that terrifies me.
I guess it's just a matter of looking, of never giving up until you find the truth, even if it's the complete opposite of what others have told you.
Just... be careful.
I've learned that the truest things in life are those which shine. The bright and pure things, they're what life is all about.
But sometimes it's impossible to see them unless you know what the darkest things look like, too.

The story of Adam and Eve has always intrigued and worried me, as I still don't know the inherent truth of it.
The act of their fall, and the consequences of it, always seemed to clash with the fact of what happened. They "traded innocence for knowledge" and, in doing so, "gained the right to choose between good and evil."
It confuses me terribly as the act was still viewed as something very negative, as a direct disobeying of God's orders... and yet it was supposed to happen.
In a way, it makes me think of my own life. I've sinned, and I've suffered for each one... just like last night. I find myself convulsing in sobs, begging for forgiveness and asking why I keep falling like that.
And yet, my awareness of those awful wrongdoings helps me to avoid them in the future, and presses me to be more penitent and righteous.
It makes so little sense to me now, but I still put my faith in God and pray that He'll continue to guide me in the right direction lest I screw up again.
Yes, I have free will. Yes, my life is formed by my own choices, but... geez, without a light, where would I be now?

...
Am I really that innocent?
Is innocence in this world truly a good thing?
How can I know the truth?
I try so hard to be good, to be true, and the world still scares me. I don't understand them. That lack of knowledge... is it good or bad?
Have I damned or redeemed myself through my falls?


There's a little message I have taped above my workspace, so I see it every day. It goes like this...

"The next time you feel like God can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer, and
Lazarus was dead!
Most importantly, don't forget... God helped them all."

I really love that. I should totally write my own version!

Yeah, I'm not doing so hot right now. Yes I'm still very lost and confused.
But... you know, God's still helping me.
I bet there's a light at the end of this tunnel after all.






On the opposite coast of sadness
is something called a smile
But before we can go there,
is there something we’re waiting for?

In order to chase our dreams,
We can’t have a reason to run away
We’ve got to go, to that far away summer’s day

If we find it tomorrow, we can’t sigh
Because, like a boat that opposes the stream
We have to walk straight on

In a place worn down by sadness
Something called a miracle is waiting
Yet we are still searching
For the sunflower that grows at the end of spring

The warrior who awaits the morning light
Before he can clasp it with red nails, his tears glitter and fall

Even if we’ve grown used to loneliness
Only relying on the light of the moon
We have to fly away with featherless wing
Just go foward, just a little further

As the rainclouds break
The wet streets sparkling
Although it brings only darkness
A powerful, powerful light
helps push us to walk on.

 

 

 

 

In short, Laurie lost it.
I was subjected to 40+ solid minutes of physical/mental torture, which had no discernible motive other than inducing crushing guilt and self-deprecating thoughts for the sake of "punishment."
The most terrifying part wasn't the pain in itself... it was her absolute refusal to stop, negotiate, or even explain herself. Not only that, but Chaos tried to intervene on my part, and she attacked him so severely and abruptly that he actually bled. Needless to say I was in a total panic by now.
...After Q showed up and therefore rendered her incapacitated (at least temporarily), Chaos, Marik, Bakura, & I tried to figure out what had happened. We couldn't.

For the first time in my 4 years of knowing her, Laurie had visibly unwound... unhinged, even. I think she might've even been blind; she didn't seem able to comprehend ANYTHING, let alone those around her. She insisted everything we spoke was a lie and was apparently focused (albeit in a very frantic manner) on the senseless mania that was dictating her actions.

I don't know if she slept or not. I was, understandably, afraid to sleep, as she had been severely hacking my 'dreams' when I tried to escape the night before.
I'm worried sick. If my own superego is going through this, what's going to happen to the rest of us?



...Should I try to talk to her alone? I'm scared of another attack but maybe I'll just have to risk it for her sake.
I do NOT want anyone else near her when she's this unstable anyway. Considering how mindlessly vicious she was last night, I refuse to take any chances concerning the well-being/ safety of others.
I just don't know what to do.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, world, you just don't understand.

These foolish things, these transient passions and shallow pursuits... why?
Why do you force them upon me?

I do not understand you, and you do not understand me.
It frightens me, sometimes, that you and I are so very different.
The moments you find joy in chill me to the bone. Your dark-haired boys and starry-eyed girls are alien to me; a tiny anomaly, a strange sort of insect caught between your stained hands.

Let me go, please. I beg of you.

Let me be free of your expectations, your rebellions, your dogmas and your drivel.
I know you think it the best, to keep me here, whispering your laws into my frantic mind, your siren voice too harsh for my ears.
You only wish your best for me, I know.

I've met others like me, others who wish to escape, to fly.
But they do not see the strings that connect them, oh so delicately, to the mother earth on which so many have trod.
They find solace in your moments, find truth and treasure in their paper cranes and tiny flowers and kisses in the rain.

I stare on in desperation.

I don't understand. I have tried to understand.
Even your snow-topped mountains, even your vast oceans cause my limbs to shake; incomprehensible monuments that hold no sanctuary for me.
I have cowered there, ever forgiving even through my tears, ignoring the fires in my ribcage as you gently whispered, 'we will heal you yet.'

Am I that sick, that I find neither pleasure nor solace in you, world?
Am I so alien that even your rejects, your dreamers and your square pegs, look upon their brother in unfeeling sympathy, as if I were a dying fish, a deformed bird?
I do not see the same colors as you.

I have been tossed about for too long, passed from perspective to perspective, always hoping that the next hand would toss me into the sky, towards those distant lights.

Maybe I shall simply burn away in those lights.
Maybe the next welcoming hand shall simply crush me, turn my heart into dust with a simple spasm of nerves. A typical response to an unwelcome insect.
Maybe I should wait just one more day.

I do not wish to die, no. Not like this, not now.
I only feel sorrow, terror, love.


Can you see yourself, reflected in my broken-glass eyes? Is this truly you I see?
Thousands of souls, thousands of hands outstretched to me, reaching down to touch, to catch, to kill.
I ache for them all.


Oh, world, you just don't understand.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally... my blue words are my own.
But little else is.


My parents have picked up this charming habit of telling me how incompetent I am every time I bring up my college work.
Yeah, apparently I'm failing my art class and I don't even know why. I'm panicking, I'm depressed, and I don't know what to do.
I can't fail. My art is the only option I have left. Honest to God.

Oh yes, that and my family is also calling me insane! Isn't that lovely?
It's because of my pain addiction, you know. It's gotten so bad that I'm looking for pain constantly, even to the point of getting them upset just so they'll hit me.
Terrible, isn't it? It's killing me inside.


That and Julie.
Q told me to try and accept her. I know he only suggested that because he had my best interests in mind, and I'll admit I thought it would work too... but doing that only made her start hacking my consciousness and now I'm trapped in a living hell.
It's come to the point where I am literally considering getting an exorcism just to drive her out of my mind.
My self-hatred is hitting a lethal high.
I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS.


My mother doesn't want me to cut my hair because 'people will think I'm a lesbian.'
What, like they don't already? I swear, just because I'm not interested in men... well, guess what? I'm not interested in women either.
At least I can fight a woman off. I'm not as strong as a guy, unfortunately. Freaking biology.

I really wish I was free of this.




I'm starting to break down daily now.
I'm dissolving into furious tears every night because I want my surgery come hell or high water but I don't know how long it's going to take me to get it.
I can't take it. I want it NOW, and I apologize for being impatient, but it's either that or virtual suicide.
Honestly, imagine this-- imagine you were born as a girl, but on the inside, you were a boy. Can you imagine the mental (and physical!) torture you'd suffer as you grew up in the wrong body and environment?
Well, I have it worse! I have NO gender, so no matter which way I go it's STILL WRONG.
I swear... can't a genderswitch surgeon just give me half a procedure and then stop?
Dear God, I can't take this.
I need this gone forever, and fast.


My grandmother predicts that I'm going to have a complete nervous breakdown before the end of the month.
I think so too.



So yeah, I'm buying my Johnny outfit for Halloween and/or Comic-Con, and I'm also ordering my chest binders-- FINALLY.
I am so freaking happy. That will help so much...


Anyway... it's 1:20 AM, and I have work tomorrow. I'd better sleep.




Z?







Choke choke again
I thought my demons were my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me
Since I was young
I've tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet sugar gun
Does not protect me

That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick now

I'm trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like I'm not getting better
Not getting better

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 06:29 pm


...ouch.

 

I'm finally ordering my chest binder so that brightened my day a little. I'm very happy about that.

If you're wondering why my day's been rough, though... well.

I had a completely unexpected conversation about an hour ago.

My mother says that I should be wearing my old retainers because she doesn't want to pay $3000 to fix my teeth.

I say that we could be using that money for more important things.

She says that I can't get my breasts removed.

...I never said anything to her about that.
Is it that obvious?

Anyway, I jumped on it and said that yes, I could get a mastectomy, it's not against the law.

She says that you can only get one if you have breast cancer.

I said, no, you can get them for other reasons.



She says that if I wasn't in the middle of my college semester right now, she'd throw me in a mental hospital and leave me there because there is something seriously wrong with me.

Then she storms out and now she won't talk to me.




That could have gone better.



Oh well. It was worth a shot.


I'm used to being called an insane freak by my own parents anyway.



Better not tell her I'm in love with Chaos 0, then.







Oh yes, and I succeeded in getting my brother hooked on JTHM today. He read the whole book in a few hours! It is that good, though, so I can't blame him.

Geez, I have such painfully fond memories of JTHM... I picked it up purely by chance during the deepest depression of my life, nowhere to lie. My brother almost committed suicide, my grades were plummeting, my parents were divorcing, my aunt was trying to sue my family for our property... bad times.

I practically had an epiphany while reading that book, I swear.
I had work late that night, when I bought the book... it was very dark outside, although it wasn't that late yet.
But I was so sick and depressed, I was sobbing too hard to get out of the car. There was no way I would be able to fake a smile that night for a few hours, no matter how hard I tried.
So I sat there in my car, sobbing, reading JTHM under a dim orange streetlight and getting tears all over the pages. It sounds so melodramatic when I tell it now, but it really struck me then...
I was pretty far into the book, then... I think I was at Part 4, when Johnny is talking to Nailbunny.
But there I was, reading about this terribly lost and deranged maniac, and he just resonated with me. Some fragmented part of that character existed in me, too, and I realized it then.
I remember thinking that... how terrified I was to be so like this maniac, and yet how comforting it was during that rough time to find a soul I could perfectly empathize with, ink on paper or not.
Johnny saved me then. He became a sort of refuge for me until my depression lifted and my family life calmed down... whenever I couldn't cope, I ran to that book and lost myself in it more times than I could count.
Johnny even showed up in one of my dreams during that time. Just one... and he said the most optimistic, life-saving thing anyone could have possibly said to me during that time. It was shocking, hearing it from him (knowing Johnny!), but it helped more than I could have ever imagined.

So... yeah. I owe Johnny a good portion of my semi-sanity, despite how much I've lost to my headvoices since then.
I really hate being somewhat mad, I really do. So many people nowadays 'glamorize' insanity, make it look like something cool, like something you would want... hell no, kids. You don't want this.
To quote Shmee... "Why, if sickness were a socially acceptable thing, those degenerative loons would be writing your neighbor (Johnny) fan-mail, telling him how 'cool' he is! They would admire his illness and aspire to it!!"
Sad but true.
Sickness sucks, it really does... I don't admire Johnny's sickness and I sure as heck don't desire it... unfortunately, I've been stuck with my own awful brand of madness since long before I met him.
Therapy, medication, nothing helps... oh well. Kind of paradoxical how JTHM keeps me going when all that stuff can't, huh?

But that's more than enough of my weird ranting.
I'm not so like Johnny that I don't need sleep!

 

 

 

I woke up at 12:30PM thanks to my awful surgery-pain-ridden sleep schedule, and it hasn't improved at all since then.
Darn it. I hate days like this, I really do.


My laptop won't work, as usual... let me tell you; when you sit for ten solid minutes and the screen keeps freezing and glitching out and x-ing things off and all sorts of junk and it does this every time you use it, your patience begins to wear very thin.
I really hope the Mac I have to get for school works... but it would help if the school would actually call me back with what sort of Mac I need.

I need to switch my fall schedule, too. I was supposed to take Psychology, but that's a tough class and I have a very fragile head (unfortunately). All that stress and classwork would drive me mad. My mother and teachers have been talking about sending me to a mental hospital recently, and I'm afraid they'll actually carry through this time. I don't want to go, but I'm such an awful mess upstairs right now... I can't take this.
Days like this I really wish my mind worked. It hurts.

Mom came home from dayshift at 2:30 and immediately started lecturing me...
I can't take her lectures. The reason I can't take them is because she starts talking, talks ridiculously fast, and doesn't stop. She just talks and talks and talks and all that incessant noise and jumbled information throws me into a panic attack. No, I'm not exaggerating, and I'm not kidding either. I have Todd Rundgren blasting on my headphones right now just to block her out. I literally cannot take it. I was in tears and hyperventilating earlier from all this... and she doesn't just talk, she insults and she condemns and she yells and she belittles and... well. You get the point.
I just get so upset because I don't know what to do to change that. I know she's stressed out, so I don't blame her for shouting. I don't know how to make her understand that I really can't take all this talking, but I'm not mad at her or frustrated with her... just the noise.
I don't know how to let her know that I am trying to listen and do what she says; anything to make the stress and anger go away.
I don't know how to tell her because she won't listen when I tell her.
It's so frustrating sometimes.


I spoke to Q on Skype last night. Not out loud, of course: my face still hurts too much from surgery.
Anyway, I had to laugh-- we got back into one of our infamously fun "stop blaming yourself for everything" and "you're doing fine, don't be such a super-perfectionist with yourself" and all that conversations. I need to hear that every once in a while, mainly because I get the exact opposite on a daily basis. Man I love that kid.
"You're not blaming yourself enough" and "you have to be perfect" at home, you know?
I don't know. Life's a paradox.


Hmm.
I was talking to Jim through random notes and comments earlier. I really needed that; Jim's an amazing kid and he always makes me laugh.
Also, I owe him a ton of giftart, fanart, and now a Sonic pic request that I literally asked him to give me, haha.

I'm going to get back into working on Sonic Inversion with my brother soon. We've been busy on that project for almost 7 years now, and I've been spending a lot of time recently polishing up the storyline.
We did an amazingly good job, actually-- and it's shocking at parts. I mean, there are things we wrote in years ago that actually fit in with the newer canon plot. We couldn't have planned that better if we tried!
It really is fantastic. I'm going to draw up a comic explaining the finer points soon, just so I can get my foot in the door of the Sonic fandom in a big way and change it for good, aha!


Anyway, it's getting late, and I think my mom is going to drag me out to work on Girl Scout projects for the rest of the afternoon. I mean, I don't mind-- I like this project and want to do it-- but I am recovering from surgery, which means that I am in a ton of facial pain, am horribly dizzy, and still fatigued out of my head. Plus you know what I said about the noise and stress. I shatter easily.
You know how people say "take a deep breath, count to ten, and you'll feel better?" No, not for me. I do that and I either feel worse from the suppression or I start to hyperventilate, haha. I am such a screwup.
That is why I run to music when I'm upset! It keeps out the noise, and it makes me think of other things. For example: Keane, who I am now listening to as I type. I always imagine Justice singing their music and I have a lot of good memories for this song (Your Eyes Open) so that helps a ton.
The only thing I don't like about stress + music + surgery pain is that noise of any sort, even good noise, makes the pain worse. So I can't listen to music for very long, but when I take the headphones off all I hear is yammering and a constant stream of words words words and that's not much better.
Geez. I'd dorm but that would be so much worse. I'd have to put up with kids. Well, you know what I mean. It takes a while for some people to grow up, and I'm not comfortable with people in my age group (17-30), to be blunt.
Actually, I'm not comfortable with ages. I'm not comfortable with age or gender at all. Isn't that funny?

Gosh, that's another talk I've never had with my family or psychiatrist... the fact that I'm an FTN and consider myself technically ageless on the inside.
Well, no. I mention here-and-there that I'm FTN, but no one takes me seriously. It's very upsetting.
Huh. One day I'll get my operations, though. Then I'll be happy.
Isn't it terrible how things like that can screw with your daily life so badly that you can't really be yourself unless you get an operation or whatever?
I know a lot of people laugh at that and say, "aw, live with it, and stop being a whiny bitch." Well, sometimes you can't.
Put yourself in that person's shoes-- a guy who grew up in a girl's body, or a girl who grew up in a guy's body. FTMs, MTFs, all that junk. And then there's people like me-- a non-gendered soul who grew up being called a 'girl' and having to live with the physical junk as well.
When everything you are screams that 'these labels, these physical problems, they aren't who I am' then you have a problem. You can't function, and it's a serious concern.
I've been living with this FTN problem since I was a kid, and that's not a lie. I realized my problem 10 years ago, and I still haven't been able to do anything about it.
"Oh, you're still too young to know..." no, I'm not. Things this vital and important: you know. I know what I'm talking about and what I'm doing.

How did I get into this rant again? Gosh.

Oh well. I guess I should have figured something was up back when I was a kid... I was never interested in women or men, and I'm still not... however, I do experience a sort of attraction (not physical, though-- I'm antisexual, remember?) to those who really don't have an age or gender or stuff like that, haha.
That's also why it helps for me to me a little bit mental-- the only people I know who fit that category are Selph and Chaos Zero. Funny little world, isn't it?


Well, that's enough of that. Every once in a while I just get off on a tangent and start raving about that junk. I guess it's because I can't talk about it to anyone and need to vent, you know?

Even so, the talk-talk-talk problem is starting up again and now I have to go out in the sunshine (sunshine + my pain meds = not good) and do heaven knows what for this projects... like I said, bad timing. My mom just tries to do far too much at once, and she also ignores any and all roadblocks or problems that may come up, because "you have to work through it." Well, she had me thinking that same way for years, but... sometimes you can't work through it. Sometimes you have to accept that there is a problem that you can't overcome. It's tough, but...
I don't know. I can't stand saying things like that, because I despise taking the easy way out of anything... so 'accepting that you have an unchangeable problem' is very difficult for me. It just sounds ridiculous.
Like I said, life is hard.


I'll see you kids later. Have a good evening!



Every night you're out there darling
You're always out there running, and I see that lost look in your eyes.
Confusion, I don't know what I should do.
Confusion, I leave it all up to you.
You've lost your love and you just can't carry on
You feel there's no one there for you to lean on.

Dark is the road you wander
And as you stand there under the starry sky, you feel sad inside.
Confusion, you know its driving me wild.
Confusion, it comes as no big surprise.
You've lost your love and you just can't carry on
You feel there's no one there for you to lean on.

 

----------------------------------------------------------
 @ 09:26 pm    What the heck am I supposed to do here?

I can't be self-abusing myself all the time like this. No one likes seeing bitemarks and random scratches all over their kid's arms, but honestly... sometimes, there's no other way to get the stress out.
When you hurt enough on the inside, when your head just hurts so much that you'd do anything to make it stop-- the quickest way is to give yourself some shock of pain and let your attention focus on that instead.

My left arm is a total mess. It's actually bleeding, which I've never done before. I couldn't sleep well last night because of it, but it did keep me from freaking out yesterday, so that helped.
Today? No. Today I had to resort back to biting just to relieve the pressure in my head.

I know it sounds crazy, and I'll even admit that it is.
The only problem is that, most people I tell about this, look at me and say "that's so childish" or "how stupid you're being!" or "try some yoga instead of hurting yourself" or crap like that.
Most of those people have never been in a situation like this, and most of those people probably think that all people work the same.
No, they don't. I work in a completely different way than my mom, she works in a completely different way than my grandmother, and it goes on and on like that. No two people are ever alike, and too few people remember that.

People keep treating Laurie as if she's a problem...
She's not a problem. I need her. I love her. Just because her job is abusing me when I can't doesn't mean she's bad for me, honestly.

I need to learn how to work FL Studio better. I'm listening to all these gorgeous Sonic remixes and I really want to learn how to write them myself...
Heh, that and I need to let the fandom know how freaking much I love Chaos Zero.
Honestly, I want my name to be out there with his. I want people to think of Chaos and I in the same way that they think of TRiPPY and NiGHTS. Synonymous!
Yeah, that's one of my random little dreams. It's nice to have. I just need to work towards it a little more.
*pokes Chaos* Unfortunately, you're very difficult to draw, sweetheart.


But yes. Busy life coming right up.
I'll see you guys later.        

 

Simple, really. I can be careless.
I can be quite stupid, quite blind. I frequently walk into death and danger and only realize it when the flames start clawing at my throat.

 

 

I am so tired...
I cried quite a bit today. Anger, stress, anguish, empathy, emptiness, surrender. Oftentimes I cry because there's nothing else I can do.

I simply go on with life, with the pain and the stress and the fatigue and everything else and desperately look for a reprieve somewhere. A tiny little reprieve.

I got close today. Went to see "Batman" in theaters.
Unfortunately, the Joker is a brilliant madman and I spent most of the movie and my entire afternoon thinking about his words and talking about my own to my muse. Worry and deperation and panic and fear. That's how I got these scars.

Or is it?


Spend about 3, maybe 4 hours reading "Watchmen" to clear my head. Kind of worked.
Rorschach scares the fish out of me but I freaking love the guy. He's too much of a screwball not to like, haha.
Believe it or not, actually, I knew about him long before I got into Watchmen. One of my random research binges, y'know. I'm like an addict with those things.

Geez I have so much homework to do... but I didn't get home until 4:30 PM and then mum was home so a fight erupted and I didn't sit down until 10:30 PM, nowhere to lie... it's now midnight and I still have work to finish as a result. I might have to pull an all-nighter...
Dear God, help me get through this...


I really want to see Hellboy after class tomorrow, regardless. Honestly. I love that guy, he's a huge inspiration to me, but I guess it all depends on the day... whether or not I see him in theaters, y'know. I have to drive down and back on my own and if I'm all paranoid and panicky that won't be smart. I don't trust myself by myself.

You know what else I'm paranoid and panicky about?
August. August 9 to August 12th, if I'm correct.
Q's coming to visit, and every time my mum brings it up I can't help but sigh and shake my head. I never wanted this.
What the heck did I get myself into this time?

I hate to say it, but I'm rather antisocial. I like computer screens and pencils and thought pages because then the real me shows up; then I can say and show what I really need to. In person... not a chance. This reluctant facade gets in the way.
I don't want this trip to happen, now or ever, and frankly I'm sick of this whole relationship thing.
I'm a freaking asexual neutrois, for heaven's sake. I don't like physical contact, I don't like physical situations, I don't like one-on-one conversations and I don't like romantics. That's what this kid wants, and I want NOTHING to do with it.

Oh yeah, about that. Sat down with my guys a few weeks ago and gave them the news on that... how, in truth, I don't like romantics or physical contact or sappy junk or anything that works with traditional relationships, really... apologized for everything, and gave them all full permission to leave for someone else if they want. Honest to heaven, I won't mind. I just want them to be happy.
Selph's staying, of course... we're together through something more powerful and permanent than a romantic fling, haha. Dreamer and Nightmaren, you know. We're tight.
Ditto that situation with Chaos, of course. The two of us have been through hell together and aren't going to call it quits anytime in this lifetime, that's a promise. I was laughing today... how I've always loved order and schedule but I'm hopelessly addicted to chaos. I swear, I was in it for life before I even met the guy!

But yeah. I don't like this whole situation I'm stuck with in the 'waking world,' as I so affectionately call it sometimes. I'm terribly uncomfortable with it, I always have been, and I don't like it one bit.
Geez.... but I don't know what to say about it without sounding like a total jerk/ manipulative b*tch/ cold-hearted b*stard. I don't want to break this kid's heart, but I'm afraid that if I don't say anything or do anything, and instead just let my personality get compromised a little more (no matter how much that's killing me on the inside lately), I think that's going to break it even more.

He says he fell in love with Jewel Lightraye.
That's impossible.
He'd have to know who I was first... right?
Heck, I don't know who I am yet and I've been at this job for 18 years. All I know is that I'm pretty much out of my mind by now. It's quite obvious.

Why do I like solitude?
Why do I like disconnection?
Why do I only like relationships when they are
1) One-sided (i.e., if I love someone but I say nothing and don't act on it)
2) With biological asexuals (which is also solid proof of my mental state)
and/or 3) Non-romantic and non-physical?

Why do I like staying up until 2AM doing Italian homework only to fall asleep during class and end up too panicky to visit Hellboy later on?
Good heavens.


Thank God I have morals and a crippling self-fear.
Otherwise I think I'd be in some pretty serious trouble by now...


Darn all this stress.

 

So did I.

I have no idea why I'm typing this right now.
I had originally planned to go to Xanga and argue with Laurie for a full two hours or so, but my free time today clocks in at 11:30 PM. What the fish.
I had then planned to go to IJ and rant a little bit about life in general... but thought that maybe I should stop by here instead and be more direct.
Finally, I logged in here with all the intentions of simply throwing all restraints and rules aside and just typing everything out.
But I can't really do that here, can I?
And besides... the fiery determination is gone. I don't know where it went.


I'm not depressed... I'm not angry. But I'm not too happy, either, and I'm definitely not content.






I don't know why I just don't say things flat-out, okay? I don't know what the heck I want.


I want to be with the people I love.
I want to be left completely alone.
I want to tell you all of this.
I don't want you to know any of this.
I don't want to lose this.
I wish I had never gotten involved in this.


Paradoxes, lies! Impossibilities and hypocrisy!
What is going wrong with me?




I've reached the point where I'm simply reaching inside and willfully disconnecting all the wires because I just want some silence. Some relief, some respite from all the noise and colors and worries and desperate thoughts... an escape, even if it leaves me in the soundless dark for a little while. I'm still in my solitude, still away from it all. The strings will never break, but I've walled my mind out somehow and somehow it seems to be comforting.
Even though I can't stand a single second of it.
I'm scared to death of being alone!
I'm scared to death of having to depend on others all my life!
I'm scared of the deafening silence!
I'm scared that I will never get that silence!
I'm scared of my connections!
I'm scared of being disconnected!
I'm so freaking indecisive it's driving me even further out of my mind than I already am...


I'm addicted to pain and I can't stand the thought of getting hurt.


I said it before, back in December... "all I can see is blood in my head, but I don't want it!"
"I die when I'm alone, but pray for solitude when I don't have it."
"My mind's in a rush, all the time, even in peace. I can't stop it... I'm so frantic!"



"How can an empath be this screwed up?"




Do you have any idea how this feels?
This indecision?
This utter confusion, this terribly panicked feeling of my anomalous self?
Looking at the clock 7 minutes after midnight and wondering what in the name of anything am I doing, here or anywhere else?
Do I belong anywhere? What should I be doing?
And I don't know.
I never know.
I keep searching.
I never know.




Maybe I want her to treat me like dirt. Screaming and swearing and all that. I don't know.
Maybe some demented and nebula-eyed part of me loves the feeling of an axe between her shoulder blades, loves the feeling you get when a firing squad is staring at the back of your poor unfortunate head. Ready, aim, fire.


Car accidents whenever I drive in dreams.
Always lost. Always wandering. No exceptions. Every night.
Looking for somewhere I need to go and never finding it.
No one knows where it is.
Looking for something I need to have and never finding it.
No one knows where it is.
Looking for someone I need and...


Gigantic, empty buildings.
Cities with almost no one around.
Walking down rainy streets and not knowing why.


I wonder what I'll see tonight?





I'm not looking for sweet talk
I'm looking for time.
Top a tower and sleep walk, brother
'Cause it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes.
Hold on...


Man, I need a release from this troublesome mind...!






I don't want all that sweet talk, y'know.
All those rainbows and butterflies. All those sparkles and flowers and good times.
I'm perfectly happy with my rainy streets and lonely valleys if it means I get to smile once in a while... really, truly smile.
Once in a while.


...



"Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their 'discomfort' like a favorite shirt."


Why do I seem to prefer these disjointed thoughts, here in the dark hours of midnight, illuminated only by a cold laptop screen and the noctural red glow of the hallway? Why do I seem to prefer this disconnection, this lack of any contact and company, even when my family is just down the hall and he still happens to be online and my muse is watching me type with a look of heartbreakingly desperate concern?
Is it because I'm so used to it?


Is it because I have so much of it in my life that I feel it deserves to be the freaking default or something?


Geez, and who the heck is putting these hideously violent thoughts into my head? No, I don't want to do that, do you have any idea what that would feel like? All that blood, and how the heck to you expect scissors to... why the heck do I even think of this lunacy? I have no interest in it, and yet it always shows up and scares me to death...


I'm starting to shiver although it's like 80 degrees and my nerves are shot although you wouldn't know it if you looked at me. I have a cruelly good poker face when it works. Even when I don't want it to.




Even so, I have God putting all these people and coincidences in my life and that is more than enough help to get me through this, thank you very much.





Thank God I'm so willing to give of myself to everyone else... thank God I don't pick favorites and love the entire fishing world. If I didn't, my heart would be pretty cut up.
It's not entire, but it's not divided. I give everyone as much as I possibly can, but no one ever gets the whole thing. Doing that would not only be unfair, it would be impossible. I can't put anyone else down, I can't count anyone else out! Everyone gets just as much love as the next person and if anyone is unintentionally missing out then darn it I'm going to go back and fix that.


'All you can do is try,' they say... and we are trying... but we can only try so hard, and that's it. That's our limit.
Can you try any harder once you have already succeeded?
How about when there is nothing you need to achieve?
How about when you are already where you need to be?
How can you be sure?



God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference...







-spinningcannon

 


SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (SPINNY)




I had a really bad day- Can't you listen
Everybody's on drugs- but mine won't kick in!
Everyone's mad, dumb or wicked
Mrs. O please help, don't go!

Hello operator- Please connect me
To the human race- I'm disconnected!
I don't wanna hang up- Can't you help me
Mrs. O?
 

I'm on the phone.
I'm connected.
Technically.
But...
I feel... so disconnected.
 
I feel as if... I'm not getting through.
 
But wait, here's a signal!
What's this, a satellite?
 
Some words got through the static...
Some feelings got across the thousand miles.
 
Some good ones
Some bad ones
 
 
"I'm not a figment, for the love of God!! I'm real!!"
 
 
There's so much love going around here.
I'm such a weirdo.
And I'm a robot, Ima Robot!
Kiss me goodbye because the doctors are coming...!
 
Maybe it's because I didn't eat much today?
Couldn't stomach it for whatever reason?
Maybe it's because of the addiction that is the enter key
Or Bruce Hunter
The best thing since toast
Or maybe it's my mind's desperate attempt to offset the pain?
 
 
"Am I really... your number one?"
 
 
God, how did I get myself into this?
How did I get myself into this?
How did I get myself into this mess?
 
How did I...
 
I shouldn't be talking here.
Maybe I'll hide this
Maybe I'll mark it "mature"
(I'd have to let Laurie in here first, though)
Maybe I'll turn all the text black!
Leave a huge hole on my page
Where there should be PAIN.
 
 
Polyamory is nice when you're asexual
But ONLY if the ones you love accept it, goshdarnit all!
 
I'm having problems, damn it.
This should not happen... should it?
Obstacles?
Traps?

Pitfalls?

Cliffs?
Firing squads?
And all metaphorical! Would you look at that.
 
I was shot at by a firing squad once, you know.
Really, I was! In a dream!
I was helping all these poor innocent citizens hide from a terrorist attack and I DID but they caught me instead, and the guy brought me down to camp and they put me up against a wall and they literally turned a freaking firing squad on me.
Psalm 23 started running through my head then, which was really amazing and scary because I don't know anything past the first two lines offhand.
The Lord is my shepherd...
They fired, you know. Thank God I woke up, eh?
 
 
hmm
 
 
All right, let's calm down.
*pokes Delphi with a fork*
Happy Father's day, you screwball.
 
This was supposed to be a new beginning
What the hell happened?
 
 
I'm honestly not sure if I want this entry public...
I'm more scared of people seeing my mind when it's unhinged
Coincidentally
My mind happens to be unhinged right now.
 
But Selph is right here next to me
As usual
He's trying to act and look okay
And says he is
But I know him too well.
I know what happened earlier.
Right, darling?
 
And Chaos is still sobbing.
I wish I didn't have to put him through this.
But is it my fault?
Yes.
This is entirely of my own doing.
And I should be the one protecting him
And he should be the one comforting me
Or is it the other way around?
 
 
Dear God, how did I get myself into this?
 
 
Jewel Lightraye is still afraid to say stuff.
To whom?
To everyone.
Name a name and bingo, you've got it down
I'm afraid to say these things to anyone
Or am I?
Yes I am
It's just that sometimes I ignore the fear
Or pretend it's better this way
And maybe it is
But Vezerai isn't getting any saner
And there are still monsters in my closet
And loopholes under my pillow
And cracks in my heart
 
 
What is love?
 
Not the song
Not the fad
Not anything you would think.
And why?
Because nobody freaking knows.
Nobody knows what it is, really
I think it's better that way
I like when you can't explain things once in a while
Scary but nice
Like the Jewel Monster of Truth
How fitting is that?
 
 
Guardian angel
God of destruction
Somebody that I love
Why the heck do I always bring him up
Is that a problem?
No
But I guess it's just odd
For others, you know
And it eats at the back of my mind
So I tend to talk about him a lot
To explain things
To justify things.
You love him to death, damn it.
That is true.
You would die for that monster.
I'd die for anyone.
Would you?
Yes.
Martyr. Hypocrite. Liar.
I am not.
Really.
Of course.
Would you die for a mass murderer?
Mmmmmyes. He still has some good in him somewhere. Maybe he'll realize it. There's hope.
You hesitated, you sophist.
I'm human. I'm not perfect.
You calling Qlok a liar?
No. I'm just saying he doesn't know the whole truth here.
So you don't believe him?
Not... not entirely. I see where he gets the point. I try to live life in a way that would emulate an ideal, a perfect lifestyle. But I screw up a lot, and sometimes my mind just loses it and I'm totally disconnected.
Robot.
Ima Robot.
Monument to the Masses.
Are we speaking in titles or metaphors?
Whatever the hell you want to interpret it as.
Oh. All right. I only have 5 minutes and then I have to sleep.
Three.
Two.
Whatever.
Why are you so angry today?
Gee, I don't know. I'm just a figment.
Stop it with the sarcasm, please. I don't like sarcasm.
You don't like very bloody much, do you Jewel?
You know that's not true.
Do I now?
Yes.
Tell me.
You know it's impossible for me to hate. It's against my nature.
Is it, miss SACRiFiCE?
Why do you keep asking me?
Well, maybe I'll hit a snag. Maybe I'll catch you reciting an automatic delusion that you've accepted as true. Then you'll be caught, you sonofabitch.
Stop swearing, for heaven's sakes! Why are you so freaking angry tonight?
I'm furious because you keep lying.
Wait-- lying? I don't lie unless I'm unaware of the truth.
See, there's another problem! You and your dear little muse, you're always preaching "Know thyself!" "Know thyself!!" and do you ever? Arrogant charlatan. You don't know a thing about yourself. You're a pompous hypocrite and you're keeping Qlok deluded on purpose.
Wait wait wait. What?
Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all, Isn't that what your friend Justice sings? You know I'm right.
I... you're right. I'm at a total loss. I'm really not sure of me, other than the fact that I'm Jewel Lightraye.
Is that a fact?
Yes. I'm out of my mind, that's normal. I always was. I guess people just thought 'Jessica' was saner than I am or something.
She was a devil and she was worse than you are.
Stop with the insults, Laurie. Right now.
It's 3:06 AM, you liar.
...Oh. You're right. But I still want to know why you said what you said earlier.
What?
About my alleged "deluding Qlok on purpose."
Oh you know that's what you're doing! You don't pick favorites, damn it. You don't love anyone more or less. That's where all your bloody guilt trips come from, you idiot! You picked five people to get something really special, so you say, and what do you do when they start doubting it? When it all comes down to "honey, either you pick me or I'm outta here?" What the hell are you going to do when they start doubting you? Huh? You don't play favorites, you disconnected jerk! Get a freaking head on your shoulders! Can't you see a thing when you look in a mirror? Huh? Ever since Natalie died you've been seriously screwed up, girl! Who's next? Me or Julie? Who'll be the next one on your shitlist? Who's head is going to roll first? Kill us both, go right the hell ahead! You remember Ardon and Isabelle, how she refused to accept her shadow because she didn't want that darkness becoming a real part of her? Well, damn it, I'm that darkness! You want to be me? Fine! You want to be Julie? Go right ahead! You kill us like you did the other three and we're going to go straight into that bloody head of yours and we are going to seriously screw up some shit. You're not going to be Jewel Lightraye anymore. Jewel Lightraye doesn't HAVE a damn shadow, you idiot!! Open your eyes!!
...Wow.
Wow what? You shocked? Didn't think the axe-girl had that much talk in her, eh? Well think again, girl. I'm not going to let this go anymore when both my life and yours are on the line. I still care, shadow bitch or not. I still have a responsibility.
And what is that?
To keep you from becoming me.
Ah...
You gonna get some sleep now?
Um... oh geez, yeah. It's 3:18 in the morning.
What're you gonna do if you find Bruce?
Uh... say hello, I guess, and talk to him for a bit about the iMAGNi and stuff. And give him a crazy superfan hug if he'll let me. Because I'm a spaz like that.
Yes you are. Now go to bed.
All right. Good night, Laurie.
Oh, no no no, girl. I'm staying up and I'm fighting with Julie.
Please do it somewhere where I can't hear, all right?
Course I will. I have to. Julie's in severe suppression right now. You just might annihilate her if you keep this up.
Eh, I don't think so. I'm still a freaking human, which means she's going to live no matter what we do.
And me?
Geez, Laur, I like you too much to get rid of you.
Awww. How sweet. Now get to freakin' bed.
Will do.

 
 

 

 

Current Mood: shattered
Current Music: "Alcoholic" (Starsailor)/ "Burn It All Down (VHS or Beta)

 

 

...

 

What do you call it when you don't want to commit suicide for the sake of your mission and those that love you... but are so broken and ruined and scared and lost and empty and dead already that living through each day takes all the energy you have?

You call it my life.

...I've developed a vicious temper recently. It scares me. I don't know where it came from.
Maybe impatience with myself. Always giving myself infinite chances, and every time I blow them. I screw up. Even though I try.
I'm just sick of waiting to improve... sick of nothing happening no matter how much effort I put in, sick of not getting any results, sick of running in circles.
So now, when I see that I've failed again, I'm just so freaking frustrated that my temper explodes.
It's scaring me.

I can't draw right now. I've been trying for the past 5 HOURS and I'm not getting anywhere.
And here I am, wanting to make a career out of it. Moron.
I can't play music right now. Tried to earlier, and every time I made a mistake I had to resist the sudden compulsion to slam my fist off something. Eventually I gave in and smashed it into my leg, but that was all. I'm suprised and disgusted with myself that I didn't go farther...
I can't do very much right now. I am such an idiot.

Sure, go on ahead and yell at me. (Shut the hell up and listen to them.)

...

I don't know.

I don't want to meet the people I love. I don't want to see them.
Even though at the exact same time I am dying to.
But I couldn't possibly face them like this.
I do not want them to see me like this.
I do not want to be like this.

God help me, I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS PERSON.

I feel so dead inside lately.



Oh yeah and I am also dead sick of being physical. Sick.
I mean that I'm sick of everything related to it. Just like Johnny.
Jewel the egocidal maniac, right here.

Name any physical need and I most likely loathe it.

Including the need for physical pain.

Yes, I'm afraid I'm becoming addicted to pain.
I know why, too.
As a kid, my parents and grandparents used physical pain as punishment for misdeeds. Either that or fear.
Well, I'm afraid of a lot already, but I'm not getting the pain anymore.
And now, with my mind needing this self-control and restriction to the point where it's driving me insane (stupid needs!!), it's decided that the quickest way to get it is through the way I did as a kid-- through pain.

My brother cuts himself.
I hurt myself in any way I freaking can.
A while back... around 14, 15? And way before that, as a little kid... I would usually resort to the childish habit of slamming my head off walls.
Possible reason #1 for my current mental freakishness, methinks.
Honest to God, sometimes I would be so angry with myself that I would hurt my head to the point of dizziness, headaches, and disorientation. I wouldn't be surprised if I got a few concussions and never knew.
Add to that the fact that I suffered three semi-severe albeit involuntary head injuries as a kid, and there you go.
Oh, but I also bit.
Bit what, you ask?
My arms
Yeah. Lately, I have this AWFUL need to bite things, constantly. I hate it.
I used to bite my arms until they bled, really. I'd leave these horrid teethmarks up and down my arms, and they'd linger for hours, bright red and sore. I'd get blood blisters from 'em a lot too.
No no no, don't think I enjoyed it!! Dear Lord, I hate it, hate it with a burning passion.
I don't want to self-abuse. It's disrespectful, it's immature, it's stupid, it's impulsive, it's a common teenage habit, and I hate it.
That too!! Why the fish am I using the word "hate" so much?? It is because it's so cruelly strong a word?
Possibly.
But I don't know.
All I know is that my grandmother told me that God wasn't going to listen to any of my prayers because I was so angry with myself.
...
WHO IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN TOOK AWAY GOD'S FORGIVENESS??
ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM SORRY TO THE POINT OF SELF-HATRED??

I don't know. But it hurt so badly that immediately the teeth went to my left arm and now I have one of those loathsome pink circles iin the middle of it. Heaven help me.

I used to yank my hair out, scratch up my arms, legs and stomach... oh, and my face, too... that was horrible, and I try not to do it anymore.
I would take household objects such as combs and mechanical pencils and pen caps and sharp edges of plastic things and anything that bit when you touched it and I would drag them all over myself until I was covered with these horrible red lines.
I would abuse my face whenever I washed it, knowing it was the face of a failure... I would scrub it so hard I would rub the skin right off. Yes, I would rub it raw. I accidentally rubbed my nose raw last week, for the same reason, but I didn't realize I had really done so until afterwards.

See that's another thing that's scary as hell. My tendency for distraction and loss of awareness.
I did some HORRID things as a kid as a result of that.
Honest to God, I wouldn't realize what I was doing, or I would end up doing something literally without thinking, or my mind would fade out to the point where I would be doing things and not even know it until it suddenly snapped back and then I would be scared to death at what I had done.
No details. For some terrifying reason I'm not feeling the guilt from those things recently, just absolute disgust at the nature of them.
I hope it God it's because I've been so sorry for them for so long (and still am) that my mind has finally accepted forgiveness and forgiven itself.
I hope to God it's not because I've lost my capacity for guilt.
I don't think I have, but...

Back to the above subject. Morbid as it is.
I keep few secrets anymore, from anyone. I want to be honest. I want that to be one good quality about me.
Anyway.
I would actually slap myself in the face during ego-fights. Yes, sometimes I let Laurie take over my voice and mind to an extent and let her literally scream back at me while I'm talking to myself. Sometimes she'll hurt me a little, but not much and not badly... just to get my attention.
I'M the one that hurts me.
A few times I was so distraught that I literally pulled my arm back and gave myself such a harsh slap across the face that not only did it leave a huge red mark, but it also knocked the hearing out of that ear and left an awful ringing instead. Also I would sometimes shake up my vision by doing that, and often I'd end up dizzy too.
And every time it happened, I would stop, silently scream "what in heaven am I doing to myself??" and fall on my knees to the floor in a fit of consuming sobs.
Happened again just last month, really.
...
What else have I done...
Oh, I punch myself too. Harsher version of the above. Doesn't hurt as much, but it leaves a lot of afterache.
The afterache helps, though. Keeps me aware, keeps me thinking about why I'm feeling it, keeps me a little more in control as long as I feel it.
That's why I almsot enjoy pain, in a sickening sense. It's a sharp sensation, and it hurts, or course, but it snaps you back to awareness before you can even blink. And I need that.
It's simply the old "pinch me I'm dreaming" concept. You want your mind out of the fog? You want a sudden cure from distraction? There you go.
Pinching really doesn't hurt, though. Just a sensation of the action itself. Maybe I'm just inured to mild pain like that, I think?
Great, now I have pinchmarks, too. Geez. They'd better be gone by tomorrow morning.

My Death Marionette morph bleeds a lot, you know. Symbolic.
I need to draw myself in it sometime... I've been spontaneously warping into it lately and that kind of scares me.
To think that meeting Q-Lok was what first triggered such a horrific transformation. Thinking about it makes me sick.

Hm. What subject to tackle now?

Oh yes, I signed up for Last.FM yesterday morning, and I love the thing. Introduced me to some lovely new musicians. (That and 99.5 FM, which I love to pieces.)
Boy Kill Boy, Billy Talent, The Hoosiers, Scouting For Girls, Orson... some fantastic stuff.
It just upsets me that Last.FM refuses to play anything by Ima Robot when I'm in the mood for 'em. I am right now, for some odd reason...
*loads up the '12=3' preview in RealPlayer*

"Kiss me goodbye
For the doctors are comin'
We all know why
Because I wasn't born
Here we go again
As time passes by here
We don't live and lie here
We're all going to die
In the end..."

It's an awesome song, and the lyrics seem to sync with me for some reason. Hm.
I ordered the Ima Robot debut CD from Fye today, though, so I should have it by next weekend, wahoo! I love that band.

You know what? I hurt all over.
My stomach hurts, my spine hurts, my arms hurt, my heart hurts.
Nothing seems to help, though, and I'm sick of popping pills...

It's cruel.
Whenever I talk to those who care, I get hit with this sort of thing even worse.
I must have talked to Braeden for three hours last night. He really puts me on a pedestal... says I'm one of the most innocent, loving, kind-hearted people that ever lived...I hope it's true somewhat... but it's really an honor to be told that, although it makes me terribly sad because he's putting himself so far below me and he does not belong there, not ever, not under any circumstances.
He's an incredible person... he's an inspiration, he's a source of hope and wisdom, he's a freaking Sage, for heaven's sakes! He's the sort of person you run to when you need good advice and fast, when you're stuck in a mini-hell and need a hand to get out that you know you can rely on. I am honored and thankful beyond words that I got to speak with him like that for once. It was awesome.
Oh, and I spoke to Ben today, for about an hour, isn't that awesome? I had no idea he was on YIM, and I decided to download and install the program... and he says hello. Lack of coincidence, thank you God.
It was funny... he said that finally talking to me was like meeting the Queen of England. Brilliant! He thinks far too highly of me, I swear... he said I was a really special and kind person, that he was very honored to know me... I said that right back to him, of course, as it's asbolutely true for him as well. I really, truly hope he knows that...
So, anyway, he sent me a brand-new unposted pic of Paranoia, Malevolence and Regret, which is fantastic... I love it muchly. So I'm drawing Paranoia and Regret at the moment, I'm trying my hand at Stern, I'm still working on Kohi, Be, Socks, Guilt, and Doubt, and I just saved a ref pic of Annon so I can try my hand at him later. Three cheers for workloads.
Also I said hello to Jimmy last night (even though he was away) and he showed up on YIM after Ben left, even though he didn't talk to me. That's okay, though. It made me smile to see him on. I freaking love that kid. He's awesome.
Speaking of, I've been positively itching to draw KoH lately... I miss that guy quite a bit. Hm. I'll have to draw him tomorrow evening or something.
I had a brilliant idea today: to draw KoH as the King of Spades, QoJ as the Queen of Diamonds, PoA as the Prince of Clubs, and PoI as the Ace of Hearts. Totally random, I know, but I love it, and I hope Jim will love it too. Yes, I am going to do it!!
Oh yeah... and I also took about two and a half hours to draw FMSR for my little sis. You know, her pink-haired muse? She's adorable, really... I hope Vickie remembers her. I'm having a lot of fun drawing her, despite how many times I keep erasing.
Also found a new J-Monster today! Surprise! I was very happy as a result of that, because very rarely do they just channel through my mind as soon as I pick up a pencil. You know, to just decide to draw and immediately have a full J-Monster drawn in a few minutes without ever having seen them before? Happened all the time in 6th grade, and then they started coming as visions alone, and then I didn't see many for a while... but then the visions came back, I was seeing stuff in wallpaper and floors and ceilings and all that... and now the direct drawing is back. Thank God!
I love the Jewel Monsters so much. I really do. I love them so much. Every one of 'em.
...
It's pretty sad when you have a 0:29 clip of Ima Robot on loop because it's that addictive. Come on, Fye.

Now now now, I hear you all... "if you know that sort of stuff, if you know how much you are worth, then why do you put yourself down and hurt yourself and do such terrible things to yourself etc etc etc??"
Because.
They don't live with me.
They don't see what a damned fool I am sometimes.
They don't see what a horribly corrupted and lost jerk I am over here.
They don't see my bad side, and I don't EVER want them to.
I want it dead. I want it shot dead, I want it dragged right out of my head, this horrid black and glass-edged beast in my mind, this dark side of me, and I want it gone forever before it breaks ALL the way out and I'm lost forever.
I'm so scared of that happening.
Dear God, I am so scared of losing myself to myself.

...
My heart has been feeling so dead lately, I'm afraid I'm losing my love. And if I lose that, I die.
If I lose my ability to love, I will die.
And I don't want to die... for the sake of those I love.
Isn't that just perfectly ironic?

My mind is being shot up with skepticism from some hypodermic needle of hell. I keep yanking it out and throwing it out the window, but when I look back down it's back in my freaking arm, loaded with that bloody doubt and steadily draining, and I'm so terrified and disgusted that I just tear it right back out and fling it and the cycle keeps going and going and meanwhile I am bleeding all over the room.
I can only take so much of this. Too many attacks on my heart and I'll just collapse from blood loss and die pretty freaking quickly.
Speaking of, I have been getting a heck of a lot of knifelike chest pain recently... the kind where it hits and you gasp because you can't breathe and your vision suddenly goes and you get lightheaded and it feels like someone has jabbed a razor between your ribs and is slicing it back and forth and they just won't quit so you have to just hold your breath and pray it stops soon.
Awful stuff. That and my joints are worse than ever. They click every freaking time I move, and even the little snaps are starting to hurt again. My spine is horrid, and my knees are worse. I can't even run a few feet, I can't kneel, I can't even touch them because they feel like they're freaking made of bruises and I end up limping and it's a pain in the neck.
That and every little thing that touches me hurts. I'm getting huge red welts from my watches again, and even now, if something rubs against my legs or arms even slightly chances are it's really going to hurt and it's probably going to leave a mark.
...
What in the name of heaven is going ON with me here???

But now for the Q-Lok subject.
What have I gotten myself into?

...Geez.
What have I gotten myself into?
I can't be all socially anxious here. I can't tell him that I'm having a hard time talking right now, can you come back later when my mind's a little back in order? I can't just block off my mental connections for a little while just to be alone and think and calm down, I can't tell him that I'll come back later and talk when I'm a little more sane.
I only speak with him on Skype, and that's a set time. If I'm feeling totally out of it, then too bad, you've gotta be there for him. So I am.
I only see him on dA, and even when I'm totally screwed up upstairs, I still stop by and say hello if he's on.
If he comes out here, it's not like when Bakura and/or Marik and/or Chaos show up to see how I am and maybe talk for a while or do God knows what and if something comes up I can apologize and say I'll be back later, I promise, and so I simply warp out of my mind and back to this consciousness and whenever whatever came up is over then I go back and apologize again and we continue whatever if we can.
This is physical reality, the accursed thing, I'm not used to it, I'm not comfortable here, even though I love the good places and moments here. This world is so much more beautiful than dreams sometimes... maybe because my dreams frequently reflect the dark places in reality? The clogged and deadly highways and smog-choked cities? The jails and abandoned buildings and buzzing yellow ceiling lights and shadowy corners and silent cold stares from dead eyes and rooms engulfed in searing fire and bombs exploding in the hallway behind you and back alleys full of fear?
Why do I even dream like that?
Even so. Darn this distraction. Get out of my mind.
It scares me because I don't know what to do now. I don't know what to do now that I'm dealing with a human, for the love of God, someone in this physical reality that I never really fit into, someone that I never really fit with. I don't know what to do.
I'm socially anxious to the point of severity, and mostly because I am afraid of hurting and scaring people.
Mostly because I am afraid of people getting tangled up in my puppetstring-drowned mind and feeling the cuts of the tension. Bleeding from the connection.
I am scared to death.
How many times have I said that?
Oh well. Emphasis works.

Psyche is such an awesome Puremaren, I swear. I meant to color him today, but I got distracted, DARN IT, and now it's 11:17 PM EST and I should try to get to sleep before 1AM. I've been going to bed after 2 the past few days. Too much work. Too little time.
I'm becoming nocturnal, the crazy bat that I am.
The daytime is gorgeous, but only when you're outside and not out in public! The public scares me and leaves me with this crippling feeling of loneliness and isolation and terror and vulnerability and I'm never sure if I'm going to get out of it and back to where it's "safe" once I go in. And "home" is poison! There's terrible physical junk there, and horrid talk, horrid words from my parents. Well, parent, but you know what I mean. The only really safe place is outside, in the green air, the beautiful sun-studded air, shining through the countless trees where no one can bother me, usually. That or at my laptop. It's safe here. Here I can type my dreams and thoughts and feelings and I can write history and I can change history and I can change lives and I can discover lives and I can talk to people that love me and I can feel like I'm worth something to someone here. And my mind is safe, when I'm awake. I can hide in there, I can head off to the Dream World or I can just wander through music and colors and words and emotions or I can just remember. The other four that I love dearly can reach me there, and I can forget all my worries for a little while and I can forget everything for a little while and that's why I don't want to sleep... I want to stay awake and dream because when I hand the subconscious control over to the doorways in my mind they explode into realms of confusion and frantic motion and that feeling of being totally lost. I always wander in my dreams, no matter where I am or who I'm with, I never belong anywhere and I'm never where I should be... I always lose my way when I drive, I've been hit by natural disasters several times, I get caught in fires a lot, I've watched bombs explode before my eyes, I've felt guns pressed into me and I've felt them fire.
And yet I still love to dream.
I love getting lost, in a sad and broken way, even though I cry in dreams and always feel so scared, I love getting lost because I see so many beautiful things and frightening things that I would never see otherwise and sometimes God lets me get lucky and I meet someone I love on the way... the original three of my guys banding together and finding me, multiple times, that's always a blessing. Bakura and Marik going Christmas shopping for me and trying to hide the gifts when I walked over so I wouldn't ruin the surprise... and Chaos in a car, do you remember that? Only had a few seconds, but dear heavens it was still one of the best dreams ever. Honestly.
Why does Psyche's pearl always look somewhat pink? Do normal pearls look somewhat pink? I'm not sure. I don't see many pearls on a daily basis, y'know. Hmm. I'll have to look into that. And is Corona's soul gem a diamond or what? I need to try and meet those guys in a dream... hope Corona doesn't strangle me with her horns, uh-oh. Psyche would probably break my back when he hugged me but I can put up with that. Darn thing doesn't work the way it is.

I wonder what the heck Q-Lok is going to want to talk about tomorrow?... I have no idea, really.
What did he talk about Friday night... I don't remember Friday at all.
My crazy mind remembers a mention of a Chaos Zero picture he drew, and that stuck with me because I have seen that exact situation occur, practically. Not Chaos literally screaming at Perfect, as Perfect is part of him, albeit an unnatural part, and Chaos wants him out at almost any cost. Usually I see Chaos screaming at Robotnik. Robotnik can be a real devil. He's caused us a heck of a lot of pain. I need to start drawing and typing stuff up and fast... oh yeah, and there was the one time Perfect just took over during one of Chaos' emotional breakdowns and we couldn't get him out. It was frightening as hell, and Bakura had to end up putting him in a conscious stasis while Marik warped my consciousness directly into Perfect's, so I could talk to Chaos Zero himself instead. Dear God, he had already resigned himself to death by that point... he had already made up his mind that he would rather die than suffer through Perfection again, because he had no control at all. He couldn't stop it, and he couldn't escape. I had been trying to talk to him while he was Perfect, and he explained to me then that he did hear, he heard every word, but he was helpless to do anything but listen, and it was driving him out of his mind with desperation. It was really a terrible incident, then entire thing, but something very good came out of it... that was the battle during which I found my Cathedral wings. Also, at one point, near the end of the battle, I literally broke them off and let them degenerate into fragments of my personality on the street below. Well, Bakura and Marik decided to form their own wings out of said fragments, and thus Bakura got his Sapphire wings and Marik his Rose ones. The other two fragments... Chaos got one of them once I managed to forcibly shock him into his Perfect Angel form, and for the life of me I can't remember what kind of wings he got...they were freaking gorgeous, though. I'll have to ask him to re-dream them sometime. And-- let me think-- the last fragment actually went to Selph, I believe, but I don't remember those either. I think they're simply huge angel wings made of light, but I'm not positive. There was one huge incident late last year with Robotnik again and we all decided to use our Soul wings together, and I think that's what his were... hm... what am I doing ranting about this right now?

Oh yes, we also brought up the fact that my mother apparently let my given name (which I loathe desperately) slip, and now Q-Lok knows, and due to it's connection to a certain headvoice of mine he is very shaken and upset by it. Well, join the club, so am I. That's why I'm getting it changed ASAP, and also why my piano teacher called today (she's awesome) with the legal info we need, so it'll happen soon, God willing.

God ALSO willing, and please please please be willing, God... I will finally live up to that name.

I am trying so hard. I really am. You all know that. I know that.
But, even though I'm trying, I keep screwing up.
And unless I stop that, I'm not going to get anywhere. You also know that.
So hopefully God will give me a little extra help and take away this distraction disease, please? It would help immensely.
Hm. I'll have to look into that and see if the means aren't already within my reach and accessible. Hopefully they are.

Here's another random bit of info I feel like writing down while I'm in the mood to reveal details about my personal life and the people I love.
You know how Delphi broke Selph's soul gem in half, and then stole a good half of his actual being? Well, here's a little something about it.
It can still be opened, you see. Except, now, Selph's systems are so unstable as a result of that initial disruption, and his soul is so unstable because it's missing a good part of itself, that if one was to open his gem again, his dream energy would literally explode out of him. Oh yeah, and any sort of physical contact with his gem hurts, especially if you were to touch that split right down the center, where the gem is shattered. That hurts a ton... but nothing hurts my poor muse more than when his gem actually opens. Yes, it has been opened since... by Selph himself. And why? Because it's a weapon. A suicidal weapon, but a weapon nonetheless.
He's only used it about three times, and all for a very short while, because once I realized what was happening as a result I virtually forbade him from ever doing it again. Chaos, too-- if he's around and Selph is about to pull out his deadly trump card, he'll run right over and will literally fight with him to stop it if he has to. He's terribly protective of Selph, just as he is of me, and oftentimes he's the only immediate reason why Selph will spare himself.
But here's the scary part... the huge energy disharge from Selph's open soul gem isn't just dormant energy that has built up as a result of pain and trauma and all that. It's his actual dream energy... it's part of his soul.
That was the original reason Selph's gem was torn open in the first place, and like I said, he's so unstable inside as a result of being so abused, that when he opens his gem it just explodes from sheer frantic disorder... and as a sort of unconscious biologically suicidal response to "finish the job", or empty out the rest of his being because it's just not working right with only half left. It's scary.
And yet, that's not even the worst of it. I have seen the worst through Link-induced imaginings... they're not reality, just thoughts that I will activate if I want to see a "what if" situation play out or whatever... and one of my morbid "what-if"s was, "what would happen if Selph had his soul gem open for more than a few seconds?" Just out of anxiety. Well, apparently, if Selph left it open long enough, the rainbow-white soul energy would not only surge until it was completely and finally drained, but... the pure stress of that happening would apparently ravage the rest of him, and even before the energy stopped... he would start bleeding out.
You heard me. Nightmaren bleed dreams, remember? Well, with the literal suicidal nature of his soul energy being forcibly exploded out from inside him, it only logically follows that he would start to hemorrhage and quite literally bleed to death. To stop beating around the bush, if Selph let his soul energy completely burn out of him, the energy blast would suddenly become starry-black Nightmaren blood and abrubptly sputter out, leaving him about 98% dead and the final 2% coming up fast. He'd probably be left with 5 minutes, tops, depending on how much willpower he had left at that point. Oh yeah, and he'd start regressing... a word which here means, rapid mental deterioration back to the point of he becoming more or less exactly the being he was when Wizeman originally created him... if Selph didn't fight it as well as he could, that is. He'd become a raving, mindless lunatic before his life finally gave out, both from pain and the loss of near everything inside him.
This is why we're all so freaking terrified when Selph gets caught in a fight, because, like me, he can be quite the suicidal altruist and throw himself into the path of death if it means saving someone else from it. All the actual times he opened his gem in order to completely obliterate some lethal threat, it was indeed a lethal threat that he was obliterating. And even then we all try to convince him not to do anything, because such a retaliation could literally cost him his life and the risk is ALWAYS there.
Hm. So that's it for that. Thought I would get that information out there now. Next time I might talk about Perfect again, go into more detail and explain some of the important and yet-unknown-to-the-public stuff. We'll see. If I have time.

Well, kids, I think I must have jumped back and forth between at least 15 different subjects. Go count and see for yourself, I have no time, it's already 12:30 AM, ohmygoodness! So I'd better get to sleep so I can wander, and I can't wait, honestly.
Oh, hold on one second...
*brings up the Ima Robot song clip again*

Rock science
And people got talk talk science
And people see stars sometimes
And some people raise cadavers
But not me, I see
The sun is made of string
Lights out from the underworld
People talk about God
Are they insane?
I don't think so
I say they're maybe spreading some love
Spreading it around
And it feels good
In your skin

Livin' it up in the atmosphere
Nobody dies if the heart is here...

 

 

 

 

 

Bells are ringing in my head
Beat me up
Left for dead
All I see is turning red
Bells are laughing in my head
Can you help me stop this please?
Suffering with some strange disease
Eyes are shut
Love is blind
Tell me that I've still been kind
Killing others with my mind
Selfish tears
Selfish fears
Feeling older than my years
Young inside
Still alive
Wonder how will I survive
Apologize
To you, to them
Tell a friend
Spinny's back in town
And yet I wonder.
Did I hurt you with my fears?
Did I hurt you with my tears?
We're not around too many years
So young and yet so old
Could you be this old and have your life just...
Explode
Implode
Like a diode
Lights dance before your eyes
makes you wonder what you've been dreaming
but you can't remember
A rush of wings
Changes things
You remember the last time it happened
The first time
Years ago, far away
The day your life changed forever
For the better
Through rain and shine and snowy weather
whistling on the winds of change
You smiled at me then
Back when I was just a kid
Blue ears
Brown eyes
welcoming me into the future
into salvation
just like he did
Except his eyes were white
And it wasn't that long ago
My mind dissolves into a cacophany of colors
Spinning
Spinning
That's what they call me
what music does to you
The clock is ticking
second
after
second
I'll never get them back
Scares me
When I realize it
and yet I'm still counting down the minutes
Days
Years
until God knows when
What if
all the clocks in the world
stopped
if only for a moment
would we know what eternity was like?
maybe nobody would even notice
life's a funny little thing