what to do? what to do now?

[prismaticbleed]

 

Current Mood: absolutely terrible...
Current Music: A whole playlist of sad music

 

 

What the freaking heck is going wrong with my life?!

 

Honestly...

My mind keeps telling me that I don't deserve anything... keeps putting me down, keeps tearing me up and making me want to burst into furious sobs from all the lies and deceit and spite and bitterness but I can't because the pain and exhaustion has drained me empty on the inside. And it hurts.

...

Dot dot dot.


Theology teacher took a break from the horrid sex talk today and brought up a little something that we talked about a while back.
"Look forward ten years," said the teacher, "and think about it-- how many of you will have died by then?"
Sore spot.
"You might think I'd be the first one in this room to pass away, with how old I am... but I have buried more students than you can imagine. I just wonder... which one of you is going to be the first?"

I'm so scared that it might be me.

I've been... deteriorating.
No sleep.
No peace.
No silence.
No motivation.
So much stress.
So much pain.
So many tears.
So many worries.
So much guilt...

I'm killing myself and half the time I don't even realize it until it's too late.

I'd rather not be dead... right, Johnny?
Killing myself would only put a damper on my search for answers...

"...If they really had a desire to live, they would've been more aware of how easy it is to die... would've chosen their actions more wisely."

Oh, I'm trying... I'm trying, so hard... and I keep screwing up...

I read something in my Philosophy book as I was studying up on the later chapters today.

Only those who are virtuous can achieve happiness.


For heaven's sakes, I'm trying! I'm killing myself for trying so hard! Humans make mistakes, and I make far too freaking many!!
I'm being torn apart... I'm such a failure... I commit so many wrongs; little wrongs, big wrongs, wrongs that confuse me so badly and hurt me so badly that I don't know what size they are, I only know how guilty I feel.
If I judged by my guilt, every freaking thing I do could easily be categorized as a huge misdeed.

I keep screwing up... I keep letting people down...


"I would rather not die, but I don't seem to have much say in the matter. But, I'm also not like you; I'm not clouded.
I have no family, no friends, really; nothing. But I do have faith; You know, God and all that. A heaven for me, and a hell for you.
So f*ck fear. I have nothing to fear."

"I envy your conviction..."


I can fit either voice, really.
I can be either Johnny or Edgar.

 

I hold Edgar's own beliefs, tried and true, to my own sorry soul.
I feel Johnny's doubt, his self-loathing, his feeling that he's not doing things right at all.

I do have faith. I have nothing to fear.
I'm just afraid of what comes after.
Will I end up in the right place?


I keep messing up down here. I keep doing the wrong thing, even though I try.
I can point fingers at so many things, too; stupid me.... ignorance, distraction, stupidity, weakness. All true.
But the bottom line is that I'm a freaking sinner just like the rest of them and I'm no better than anyone else.
I try so hard.
I try so hard to live the right way...

This house makes it hard.
Today was beautiful RIGHT up to the moment I walked in the door.
Ths place is poison, freaking poison... and that's not just my opinion.
My teachers have said the same. My counsellors have said the same. My friends have said the same. My loves have said the same.
There is so much HATE and PREJUDICE and ANGER and IGNORANCE and APATHY and UNFORGIVENESS and VULGARITY and IMPATIENCE and PETTINESS and WRONG in this freaking house.

I cannot live here anymore.
I can only die here from now on.
Every day I do. I die a little bit more.
It might be my emotions, today. They might be deadened a little, they might be thrown to a fever pitch and burn a hole right through me.
It might be my health, today. I might get sick again, as I've been doing often. I might not get any sleep again, as I've been doing since the year started. I might hurt myself again, as I've been doing since my childhood.
It might be my sanity, today. I might collapse in sobs under the pain. I might explode in screams under the vice. I might disappear in silence under the stress.
I might forget it all when I wake up.
I might be eaten alive by the aching.
I might be torn to pieces by the waiting,
Hoping, praying, looking up to wherever God is looking down on me and literally begging for deliverance.

"When will this end?" "Will I ever be free from this?"
"Do I deserve to be free from this?"
"What have I done? What have I done??"
"What can I do?"
"I don't know what's going on here anymore..."
"Please, somehow, save me from all this!!"


And He IS!! He IS, and I'm too freaking STUPID and BLIND to even REALIZE IT!!!

I have the Jewel Monsters! I have the Hokthai! I have every other influence that has ever graced my life, from Vash to NiGHTS to Celebi to heaven knows who else!
I have dreams, I have hope, I have faith, I have imagination, I have inspiration, I have love!
I have Bakura! I have Marik! I have Chaos! I have Selph!
I have Jimmy and Ben and Vickie and Mel and Tsubasa and Shub and Sarist and Smiter and Ideya and Mad and Naysu and Shadow and Kuroius and LUA and Viral and everybody else!!
I have people who love me!! I have people who care!!
I have free will! I have decent health, I have a decent family, I have a decent home, I have a freaking roof over my head! I have an education, I have talents, I have a future!
I have God, for heavens sakes, and half the time I forget EVERYTHING that I have and sink into these horrible depressions because I feel so freaking worthless and stupid and ignorant and idiotic and hypocritical and sinful and vicious and cold and I feel like a failure in every aspect of life even though EVERYONE that cares about me is telling me that I'm not, I'm not, for the love of all that is righteous I'm not, I'm a good person, I'm a true friend, I'm an inspiration, I'm a guiding light, I'm a hope bringer, I'm a big sister, dear God in heaven what did I ever do to deserve that from someone in this world, from someone as good and as incredible a person as she is?? What did I do??

Mercy above, let me know what the heck I did so that I can do it again, please...

...


"Dear Die-ary.

There's nothing wrong with feeling lost, so much as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it.
Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt.
I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now...
...But I can't help but look forward to where it's going."


Johnny, Johnny, Johnny... we're too alike. We are too freaking alike for it to be healthy sometimes.

I... I'm not very pleased with where my life is just now. To be brutally honest, I'm pretty freaking crushed. I'm not content at all, really... not happy at all... even though I know I'm trying, even though so many people are telling me I'm living life all right so far...
...I still know things that no one else does.
I've done things. I've said things. I've thought things.
I don't mean them at all, really.
Most of the time I'm being too freaking distracted and ignorant to realize what's going on... and when it hits me, I collapse into a sea of guilt and self-hatred.

Yeah, self-hatred. My biggest and hardest sin to conquer.
And I really am sorry.

I'm contrite, actually. Like I've said so many times before, I am so sorry. For everything. Especially for that.
And don't get me wrong, I AM trying to change... every day I try... but I never seem to get any farther. I seem to be running in circles.

"Shit! I can't even die peacefully!! I'm still as confused as always!!! I'm so sick of feeling like this!! SICK!! I HATE THIS!!!"

Once again, Johnny boy... took the words right out of my mind.
I'm so sick of this.
This guilt. This confusion. This self-loathing. This discontent.
This sorrow. This distress. This worry. This despair.
And the only reason I have for feeling that way is my own tendency to fail.
My list of wrongs.
My status as a sinner.
I HAVE to change all that, and soon...

I tried to forgive myself today.
At school, I was so ready to.
It had been such a beautiful day... it had been so beautiful... and when I got home the poison choked me.
I felt totally worthless and malignant all over again, and I found that I couldn't form that decision to forgive myself any more. Not while I was suffering in this house of pain. It's held so much over the past 18 years...
I was so ready to let it go.
But I realized that I can't yet.

Not until I actually change.


...We had confessions at school today.

God blessed me again. So many blessings today.
He sent me to the priest with the biggest smile and the friendliest manner... I confessed my recent problems and then popped the question.
"Father, there's something that's been bugging me... if I did something wrong years ago, and no matter how much I try to make up for it, no matter how sorry I am for it, no matter how contrite I am and no matter how much penance I do for it... I just can't get rid of the guilt... what should I do?"

I've had this conversation with a priest before.

 

Twice.

Pathetic, huh?
How I never learn?

"If you're truly sorry, and you confessed your wrongs, then you have no need to feel guilty; because no sin is greater than God's mercy, and he forgives you... but I think the real problem is trying to forgive yourself."

Bingo.

"I suggest you try and get rid of the guilt in a tangible way. Take that sin that is plaguing you, look at what it is, and find a positive way to make up for that sin. Or, if you can't do that with it, do what I do... write everything that you feel guilty about on a piece of paper... everything... ad then burn it. Watch it go up in smoke, and maybe that will help you come to terms with your forgiveness."

I meant to do that today.

Honest I did.

But my silly mind decided to empty itself out here first.
My fractured heart decided to confess my worries first.
My wandering soul decided to tell everything to this black and red screen first... just to free myself from the pain a tiny bit, just to get a better perspective of everything, just to say everything I could possibly say.


...Well, with all this morbid subject matter, I'm going to write to Johnny, because I can.


All right, JC, I know we're both in the same situation. Even so... you're even more screwed up in the head than I am, but it's not by much, and although that does scare me, it gives me the craziest sort of empathy for you. 95% of the time you speak I can relate. 95% of your words I have said myself, in some way. Yeah, 95%! After all, I don't know what it's like to be like you, right? And I don't. You have lived through some hideous times and done many hideous things, but sometimes... heck, all the time, you know me... I can see past that and I can see who you were before it all. Jhonen said it himself. You are more your own enemy than any external mind could be, what with the decomposure of most definitely was, at one time, one heck of an intelligent mind. You may very well be more mentally malformed than any of those people who you say have ruined your world, but... you're lost. You're terribly, utterly lost. And I know what that dread feels like. I'm not saying I'm going to save you from it all. I doubt that I can. No sir, I know that far too well. I'm not from any land of happiness. You and I are both confused, we're both lost, we're both guilty self-loathers who just want answers and freedom from our shadows. I can't alleviate your troubles and worries, but I'd like to. It's my nature. I don't know anything about your past; heck, oftentimes I'm not sure I even know you. You do scare me sometimes, Johnny, and you deeply worry me what with the things you've done and why you do them, but... like I said, I'm an altruist. I'm a very loving and forgiving altruist, whether or not anyone else sees that, which may or may not be the polar opposite of your own personality. You're a good guy at heart, and I can see that. No matter how "f*cking ugly" you may have become on the inside recently, you'll never lose the light you had. No one ever does. You just need to find it again... and I think that's what both you and I have been trying to do all this time. Don't you remember talking to Nailbunny? "Do you remember how much of this is me and how much is what that thing did to me?" And how about that line I hold so dearly... "this isn't me?" You don't want to be like this, and neither do I. Time and time again you've stared up at the stars at 2AM, just like I have... You say happiness, contentment, are impossibilities for you... are they? I hope not. I know the fear, and I hope it's not true for either of us. You are trying, and you're getting somewhere, whether you realize it or not. You're fighting your shadows. You're a slave to no id either. And you know all about guilt. But you're looking forward to where your life is going, right? Well... I will too. Thank you, Johnny, for not only giving me more insight into myself, for not only helping me know myself a little better, but for helping me out of the darkest time of my entire life simply by the fact that we were both suffering the same darn things. I remember sitting outside work, too sick and sad to go in, at that perfect winter evening hour when the sun had just set... sitting under the streetlights, actually, and reading JTHM in the silence. I think you were actually talking to the doughboys, in that little bit of time there... I wish I remembered... but I do remember the feeling of empathy, of some bizarre connection, of knowing that you could really be someone important in my life. ...Regardless. I'm typing far too much. I'll just close up and we can deal with this all some other time when I'm not pressed for time and schedule. 9:30 PM, y'know, and although I haven't been sleeping much either, both of us do need some, okay?


Hm...

I feel horrendously sick. I had no appetite when I came home, which is unusual for me, and have been horribly lightheaded and dizzy since 3PM or so. It's now 10:07 exactly.
Huh... my money's on stress, but you never know. Oh well. I'll be over it soon enough. Such is life.

Well, seeing as I've been typing a ludicrously huge amount of words for a ridiculously long period of time, and it's undoubtedly going to eat the vast majority of space on my lovely IJ, I think it would be best if I closed up as soon as possible.
Oh my. And now I have a headache. Honest heavens, the room is spinning... geez... if I close my eyes everything moves in these funky little spirals and I feel absolutely horrid.
Well, thank God almighty that tomorrow is technically 'Senior Day,' which means there'll have a mass and a breakfast and whatever else is planned but no classes! So I can skip it without missing work, wahoo!
I'll miss the mass terribly, as it's a May crowning mass and it's supposed to be lovely, but ehh.... if I feel this sick, and I need sleep, and I have so freaking much work to do, then by all means I'm stayin' home, darn it. Spinny needs another sick day and I don't care what my guidance counselor says, he knows how sick and stressed I am. Need proof, walk in the door and take a look at me, I do not look well, no sir!

Honest, I seriously doubt I'll be able to hold up any longer, I'm going to quit... oh, hold the phone, I have a tutoring session after school tomorrow, darn it!
...Would they find it odd if I stumbled in at 2:40 to attend C++ tutoring, or what? I hope not, my freaking spazout memory needs all the help it can get, sick or not!

Well, time to close up, then.
I am doing well, regardless of health and worry and stress and my grandmother screaming again...
Yep, life is paradoxically good. Thank God.

G'night, kids.
See you soon.


...Oh yes,
And I'm going to burn myself a sin paper first thing tomorrow morning if I get up on time.

Wish me the best of luck with my new beginnings, eh?

Here's to the best of luck with yours.


Love you guys.


-spinny c.