COMMENT.

Sep. 9th, 2019 05:50 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


alter entry. YEAH WE'RE NOT DEAD.



AND HEY GUESS WHAT I'M FINALLY GONNA COMMENT ON THIS.

 

 

from february 8th, 2019, "TBAS" online entry.

apparently we saved it to our computer because it hurt like hell and left it untouched.

well GOD KNOWS I WISH WE HAD BEEN LEFT UNTOUCHED, but that's the very reason why I'm about to spit bitter vitriol all over this garbage heap. so let's go.

 

"LC deleted their spotify account. Was wondering if they would."

YEAH BECAUSE IT WAS FULL OF VERY BAD MEMORIES, most notably ALL THE GARBAGE WE SHOVED IN THERE "OBLIGATORILY" BECAUSE OF YOU.
it hurts so much to hear this said so casually. like mel when we were suicidal. "yeah we expected this, ho hum, life goes on." not realizing what such a huge deletion entails. no concern, no compassion. just "eh, it was bound to happen."

"Shame because they had hundreds of playlists, stuff for every single System member, but we saw this coming months ago and saved every one that was personally meaningful to us, so they’re all still there in our account."

THE SHEER ARROGANCE OF THAT STATEMENT HAS ME SEEING RED
OH YEAH WE ONLY SAVED WHAT WAS MEANINGFUL TO US!!! NEVERMIND THE ACTUAL SOULS THAT INSPIRED THESE LISTS, NEVERMIND WHAT IT MEANT TO THEM, TO THEIR HEARTS, NOPE!!!!! WE;RE BLINDLY SAVING IT AND STICKING OUR OWN LABEL OVER IT, ERASING ALL ITS ORIGINAL MEANING, JUST LIKE YOU NEVER EXISTED, GOOD RIDDANCE !!!

THAT RIGHT THERE IS SOLID PROOF THAT THIS WAS ONLY EVER ABOUT YOU!!!!!

(why am I so angry)

this was only ever about you. I see that now. you only cared about your OWN personal relevance, not ours, because that's all that mattered to you, and that's why WE mangled our OWN musical preferences to ENTERTAIN YOU.

just so you could shrug "oh well" when we disappeared and keep everything that pleased you.

"Still with our own art as their icon. They’ll probably never use that one again, will they."

No! We won't! AND I HOPE YOU REMEMBER HOW WE WERE ACTUALLY FURIOUS AT THAT ARTWORK (even though we (cowards) never said so for courtesy's sake) BECAUSE YOU UTTERLY DISREGARDED HOW WE ACTUALLY LOOKED, AGAIN, FOR YOUR OWN TWISTED PLEASURE. "artistic liberty" DON'T GIVE ME THAT JUNK. we were just so fawningly thrilled to have someone draw us that we didn't DARE speak up that IT DIDN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE US. "take what you can get," even if it's not anything you need. even if it's no good for you. like drinking vinegar when you're dehydrated. like gorging on paper when you're starving to death, because someone sprinkled sugar on it. that was our whole life with you. it hurts so much to admit now, when the coast is clear, and we're no longer in danger. but we were drinking your saccharine toxins for too long.

"It’s just sad. Literally all they have left, I’m pretty sure, is their Aywas account. They have had that one since 2010 and I doubt they’ll delete it even now."

YOU UNDERESTIMATE OUR DETERMINATION TO ANNIHILATE ALL THE TRACES OF THIS HELL.
also, WHAT KIND OF GALL IS THAT, TO ACT LIKE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW WE'LL ACT?????
it's just like slc. just like it. "ONLY WE know the REAL you!!!!" "so let US dictate your life" basically. what is WRONG with you, what is wrong with US that we BELIEVED YOU and FELL FOR IT????

 

"Just, what’s the point of deleting everything?"

WHAT DO YOU THINK???????? WHY DOES ANYONE FORGET ANYTHING? WHY DO PEOPLE DISSOCIATE? WHY DO I HAVE A DISASTROUS MENTAL ILLNESS IN THE FIRST PLACE, ARE YOU THAT BLINDLY IGNORANT?????????

"We can guess, paranoia"


...looks like the answer is yes. i'm stunned.

honestly, you're projecting. hard. we're not paranoid, otherwise we wouldn't be keeping everything open and candid and public for years.

NO, WE'RE ASHAMED OF WHAT WE DID AND LET HAPPEN WHILE LIVING WITH YOU, AND WE WANT THAT HORROR ERASED.

as for everything in the past, well… it all led to you. it was all garbage, in our eyes, all the delusions and selfish rambling and lies and heresies and nonsense. yes there was some gold in there. but I will never leave that out again for someone like you to rifle through and pickpocket at your own pleasure. go jump in a bloody lake. we erased everything because it was worth sacrificing the small good for the sake of protecting the huge good. it was worth deleting everything that could cause even more trauma, for the sake of protecting our personal history for our own sake alone.

"hyperreligiousness turning everything else into something that’s keeping you from doing your religion properly, etc..."

THIS, THIS RIGHT HERE, IS THE ONE THING ABOUT YOU THAT INFURIATES ME THE MOST.

the instant I did something that you didn't like, the response i'd get-- outright or with silent subtlety- was always, "OH IT'S YOUR RELIGION AGAIN."
STOP ACTING LIKE OUR RELIGION WAS THE SOURCE OF OUR PROBLEMS, YOU PAGAN HYPOCRITE.
JUST BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T OUR "IDOL" DIDN'T MEAN EVERY OTHER "GOD" WAS A CURSE.


"abrahamic religion is really good at turning anything it wants into something that’s “against god”. Anything."

SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEVER EXAMINED YOUR CORRODED CONSCIENCE.

"anything it wants." good lord. you are so completely deluded. so oblivious and thoughtless and foolish.

imagine this, that when we went home and took a GOOD HARD SANE CONSCIOUS LOOK at ALL THE WHITEWASHED-TOMB TRAUMA WE WENT THROUGH WITH YOU, FOR YOU, ABOUT YOU, ETC… we realized that YEAH, IT WAS ALL AGAINST GOD!!!

oh, no, you can't have that! you can't possibly be responsible in any way, for anything but the most wonderful results!! everything you do is pure and perfect and pleasant!! no, it "must just be your religion making 'what it wants into a sin'!!!!"

you know what the REAL reason is?

A HELL OF A LOT OF THINGS IN THIS WORLD ARE AGAINST GOD.

AND I TRAGICALLY COULDN'T SEE THAT WHEN I WAS LIVING WITH YOU BECAUSE IF I DID, I WOULD HAVE LITERALLY BAILED WITHIN FIVE SCREAMING SECONDS OF WALKING IN YOUR FRONT DOOR.

DON'T THINK YOU KNOW HOW WE WOULD ACT. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW OUR THOUGHTS.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT THE WORST OF IT BECAUSE WE NEVER WROTE IT DOWN, FOR FEAR OF YOU.
 

"But really… would we be happier if they were still posting every single day about how much they hated us? No. We’re left in peace. We would be incapable of not reading their journal if they still posted every day like they used to."

I find this sadly ironic. "We're at peace!!!!" YEAH, AND THAT'S NOT ALWAYS A GOOD THING.

We, also, kept visiting your journal periodically, to see what you wrote about us. But now that we can't, are we at peace? Are we happier? NO, HECK NO, BECAUSE NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION SO WE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO SOMEHOW FIX THIS.

Sounds like you didn't ever care about fixing ANYTHING.


"For a while they were just blaming us for everything wrong in their life, having nightmares about us every single night, and with good ol’ oneirataxia, unable to tell that the nightmares weren’t actually the truth of what happened with us. Or rather, blaming “NC”. But clearly blaming us for bringing them there. Ya know."

Listen, if you can't see how you blithely manipulated an emotionally fragile, people-pleasing, identity-shifting traumatized deluded idiot from Pennsylvania into BEING SO FRANTICALLY DESPERATE TO "BE YOUR FRIEND" THAT I WAS WILLING TO SAW MY OWN RIGHT ARM OFF AND FLY OUT TO NC JUST TO "PROVE I WAS NICE AND CARED ABOUT YOU" then you are even more deluded than I am.

"Blaming us for everything wrong in their life." Now that's hyperbole at its worst. You're not the cause of our sexual trauma, our eating disorder, our flashbacks, our dissociation, etc… BUT GUESS WHAT? YOU SURE AS HELL MADE IT A HELL OF A LOT WORSE.

So no, we're not shoving the blame onto you. We're CALLING YOU OUT FOR BEING DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR SEVERELY EXACERBATING EXISTING PROBLEMS, WHICH-- AND GET THIS-- YOU EXPLICITLY KNEW ABOUT THE ENTIRE TIME.

Oh, and absolutely pull the "you don't know what's really real!!!!" gasoline-fire card on us again, go right ahead!!!

WE KNOW THE NIGHTMARES AREN'T LITERALLY REAL, YOU BUFFOON. BUT GUESS WHAT??? WE ONLY HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS BECAUSE THERE WERE CERTAIN HORRIBLE THINGS THAT INEVITABLY GAVE US NIGHTMARES.

I am literally enraged at your willful ignorance here. "Good ol' oneirataxia" SHOVE OFF. You self-focused stooge.

What were our nightmares about? 1. Being stuck in NC and not being able to go home, which, like it or not, buddy, was the actual awful truth. Just because we were too fatally good at hiding our feelings UNTIL you went to work (at which point we unraveled into suicidal hell for twelve godforsaken hours) doesn't mean we WEREN'T ACTUALLY FEELING THOSE THINGS.

2. Sexual trauma. Oh we know you didn't "rape us." Those nightmares are very different. HOWEVER. You sure as hell passively but insistently coerced us into rewriting our entire wreck of a personality TO APPEASE YOUR DESIRES because "I love you!!!!" (no you don't, not if that is how you see "love") you and that hellish fine print, "I have sex with the people I love!!!!!" YOU ONLY EVER WANTED TO F*CK US AND IT SENT US STRAIGHT TO HELL. WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NEVER TO TRUST ANYONE WHO USES THAT DEMONIC WORD TO DESCRIBE """LOVE""""". NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN PLEASE I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THOSE WORDS EVER AGAIN I CANNOT BELIEVE WE LET YOU DO THAT TO US GOD FORGIVE ME BUT I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR BURNING THAT HELL INTO OUR LIFE

by which I mean, I hate myself for not punching you in the face the INSTANT you tried to touch us and taking the next plane home.
why did i let you touch us. why did i give you the """benefit of the doubt""" that sent us into damnation. why did i ignore my own screaming conscience and deathtrap instincts, and act like a smiling ragdoll around you????

Do you remember the incident on the porch? Of course you don't, you hedonist. How you, for some absolutely inane cursed reason, wanted to """"touch us""""" (BURN IT ALL) so!!! we just laid back and took it. and we said "it's fine!" and you said "no this isn't """CONSENSUAL"""" so I'm going to stop" OH SO SUDDENLY IT IS """"CONSENSUAL"""" IF OUR "LYING BACK AND TAKING IT" IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE PROPER SMILES AND WORDS AND GESTURES AND SOUNDS AND MOTIONS???? SO IF WE'RE REALLY DAMN GOOD AT ACTING AND DISSOCIATING AND DOING WHATEVER THE HECK YOU WANT BECAUSE SAYING NO WAS NOT A SAFE OPTION WITH YOU, YOU WHO TOLD US THAT OUR FAMILY HATED US AND WANTED TO KILL US AND THEREFORE YOU WOULD NEVER LET US GO BACK HOME EVEN THOUGH WE WANTED TO AND THEREFORE WE HAD TO STAY WITH YOU NO MATTER WHAT AND UTTERLY ABSOLUTELY MINIMIZE EVERY TINY POSSIBLE THREAT OF OFFENDING YOU SO WE WOULDN'T END UP HOMELESS OR TERRIFIED OF BEING STUCK IN YOUR APARTMENT, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT--- IF WE'RE REALLY DISTURBINGLY GOOD AT APPEASING YOU BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT TRAUMA SURVIVORS DO TO SURVIVE, THEN SUDDENLY IT'S """CONSENSUAL"""" BECAUSE IT LOOKS JUST LIKE HOW YOU WANT IT TO??? EVEN IF THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO FIGHT YOU??????????

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WITH Q, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WITH BP, EXCEPT
YOU TOOK IT ALL THE WAY TO HELL AND LEFT US LOCKED IN THERE.

It's not "oneirataxia," it's not "good," and it sure isn't "old" in this case, thanks to you. The nightmares are the result of our poor traumatized subconscious trying desperately to process the sheer unbearable terror of the FACT that THAT HAPPENED. so we had nightmares. you weren't even fazed. we know it's not literal indiscernment. that's no freaking excuse for hand-waving the endless nightmares off entirely, for sanity's sake.

And what the heck do you mean by "or rather, 'blaming NC'?" we were using "NC" as a blanket term for everything that happened out there. would you rather we falsely tag YOU with everything? which, ironically, you seem to be complaining about anyway?
why do you think we even used your "deadname" to refer to the trauma for so long??? WE WERE TRYING TO, EVEN NOW, COMFORT AND APPEASE YOU, BY NOT USING YOUR CHOSEN RESPECTED NAME IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE HORRIBLE THINGS WE REMEMBERED. WE WERE TRYING TO PRESERVE YOUR PERSONAL IDENTITY AS SOMETHING SEPARATE AND EVEN INNOCENT.

we know what it's like for other people to take your name, your heart's name, and mangle it like roadkill. we were trying to save you from that, even when-- like it or not-- YOU WERE THE CAUSE OF MOST OF WHAT DEVASTATED US.
but we still cared. god help us we still DO care, otherwise WE WOULDN'T BE SO BLOODY ANGRY ABOUT THIS

this is all so frustrating. listen. you weren't directly responsible for a lot of things. that's a fact. HOWEVER. the simple, iron fact that YOU WERE WHAT WAS KEEPING US THERE means that, passively, all that terror still falls on your head. saying we're "having nightmares about NC" or "traumatized from NC" means, as a whole, that year or so with you screwed us up. it tore us to shreds. but even so, you aren't in every one of those situations. we went through a LOT of scary stuff in NC, a great deal of it by our own despairing and desperate hands. it's a blanket term. stop trying to defend your pride when all it's doing is making you look ridiculous.

 

"That is among the very worst parts of this whole situation. Knowing them, knowing their longtime problems being unable to tell dreams from waking life, believing their dreams actually happened, and knowing that they have had nightmares every night for as long as we’ve known them… knowing the nightmares now feature us and knowing they almost certainly believe those nightmares were real and we did all the terrible things that happen in their dreams."

DON'T YOU DARE. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT US AND I CANNOT BELIEVE IT TOOK UNTIL NOW TO NOTICE.

"Our longtime problems being unable to tell dreams from waking life." Tell me, Oliver. When has that ACTUALLY been a freaking problem???? HOW ABOUT NEVER????

The "oneirataxia" title for our dream journal isn't meant to be taken literally, you dunce. It's a reference to the fact that our dreams are so freakishly realistic that they BASICALLY feature as strongly and powerfully as LEGIT MEMORIES & FLASHBACKS. We know they didn't "physically occur" BUT as far as our mind is concerned THEY DID OCCUR ELSEWISE, and so yeah that does cause an oneirataxic "fear bleedover" into physical reality, BUT it DOESN'T MEAN "WE BELIEVE OUR DREAMS ACTUALLY HAPPENED" in the same level of reality you exist in. geez just how literal-minded are you when you want to be? no wonder you never realized how actually traumatized we were around you.

"you've had nightmares every night for as long as we've known them" oh come on that is SUCH HYPERBOLE, WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GET THAT STORY???? First you actually reference our dream journal, and THEN you spew THIS JUNK????? HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY READ THE JOURNALS YOU CLAIMED TO "OBSESS OVER" FOR YEARS??????

You didn't literally do the "terrible things that happen in our dreams" (honestly it would be impossible, and thank GOD for that) and GUESS WHAT, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE "TERRIBLE THINGS” ARE BECAUSE WE DIDN'T EVER POST THEM ONLINE, SO STOP ASSUMING THAT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, YOU NARCISSISTIC LIBERTINE.

(no censoring. too much tortured rage bubbling up. why am I so angry)

 

 

"I’ve been thinking lately about how much they wrote in their journal, in October and November, about how hard they had to work not to hate us. Which, in LC-ese, meant, “I really, genuinely hate you and I feel guilty and scared about my hatred so I am going to try to pray it away.” Begging themselves not to hate us, for their own sake. Which, again, meant they did hate us. We know how their mind works."

OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That, that RIGHT THERE, is the SINGLE MOST INFURIATING SENTENCE YOU HAVE EVER WRITTEN ABOUT ANYTHING.

THAT SINGLE CURSED SENTENCE IS THE ENTIRE FREAKING REASON WHY WE PUT OURSELF THROUGH ACTUAL HELL WITH YOU FOR SO LONG.

because "you know how our mind works."

AND WE DON'T, RIGHT OLIVER??????????????

THAT'S PSYCHOEMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, FOR THE RECORD.

But to continue.

IT'S ALSO PROJECTION. It's almost comical for me to read this bit, except for that last sentence. It's so utterly ridiculous and ludicrous that I can barely believe you wrote it.

"Which, in LC-ese, meant"… you sound like such a CLOWN. "LC-ese." What the heck does that even mean. Do you genuinely think we need a freaking translator for this?? When we're angry and scared and hurt and HONEST? "LC-ese??" Like YOU'RE the genius linguist who, alone amidst the entire world, can TRULY understand what we mean? The arrogance is choking. Everything always comes back to you, doesn't it.

First off, that is absolutely not what we meant, and it is incredible that you jumped to that conclusion.
"WE DON'T WANT TO HATE YOU" MEANS, QUITE LITERALLY, THAT WE DON'T WANT TO HATE YOU.

Problem is, back then, we didn't.

Now, we do.

Now your stupid translation DOES work, but GUESS WHAT? IF WE HAD FELT THIS WAY BACK THEN WE WOULD HAVE SAID SO.

Right now, it goes like this:

"I don't want to hate you, but God help me I REALLY HATE YOU RIGHT NOW."

Back then, it went like this:

"I don't want to hate you, but you are causing so much pain and fear and despair in my life that I can FEEL the real potential for hate bubbling up. I don't want that to happen."

THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTENTIAL AND ACTUALITY.

ALSO, SHOVE OFF WITH YOUR ASININE ANTI-RELIGIOUS GARBAGE.

Feeling "guilty and scared about hatred" is A GOOD THING.

"Trying to pray it away" IS A VERY GOOD THING AND DON'T YOU DARE INSINUATE THAT IT'S JUST SOME SILLY PHRASE WORTHY OF MOCKERY.

Guess what? Right now I feel REAL, BOILING HOT, EVISCERATING, DRILLBITS-TO-THE-EYES ACTUAL LIVID HATRED towards you. The catch? It's not even towards you, when you get to the mangled, tangled, sobbing-furious-terrified roots of it.







(left unfinished)


venting

Sep. 9th, 2019 04:46 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


I am SO PAINFULLY ANGRY because """"oliver"""""" is on twitter reblogging fanart of spinel and saying "MY CHILD" etc etc etc HOW BLIND ARE YOU, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT SPINEL IS LITERALLY ME HOW COULD YOU LOVE HER AND HATE ME 

YOU LOVE THE CONCEPT BUT YOU'D NEVER LIVE WITH HER. ADMIT IT. ADMIT IT BECAUSE YOU TRIED AND YOU LITERALLY HATED ME DIDN’T YOU

 

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WERE IDEALIZING ME SO HARD THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME WHEN YOU SEE ME ON SCREEN

 

ALL YOU DO IS DRIVEL ABOUT SEX AND QUEER GARBAGE AND "ETERNAL CHILD" SILLINESS AND "YAY HORMONES SECOND PUBERTY I'M A BOY NOW"  STUPIDITY AND "MY BOYFRIEND IS HOT" INANITY WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU

IS THIS HOW YOU ALWAYS WERE AND I COULD JUST NEVER SEE IT?????

 

IT'S DISGUSTING

IT'S LITERALLY LOATHSOME



I HATE MYSELF FOR ONCE HAVING WANTED TO BE LIKE YOU

I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE YOU

LET ME STAY RED AND DAMAGED FOREVER

I HATE THIS SHAMELESS DISASTER THAT YOU HAVE BECOME

 

I hate hating someone

 

I really do.

 

"is it millennial culture to grow up making incredibly sad and tortured OCs, and then, in your 20s or 30s, decide to give that sad old OC everything they ever wanted and make them finally be happy if it's the last thing you ever do" they reblogged on twitter.

 

WELL GUESS WHAT SOME OF US ARE STILL SPINEL.

why did we have "sad and tortured OCs"??? MAYBE BECAUSE WE WERE GOING THROUGH A LOT OF TRAUMA AND THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY WE COULD EXPRESS IT

DEEP DOWN WE WERE INCAPABLE OF EVEN IMAGINING REALITY AS SOMETHING LESS PAINFUL


now that we're older, why do we want them to be happy, BECAUSE WE'RE TIRED.

I literally just want to die so everything will be over and I can FINALLY be with God BUT!!!!!!!!!

IF I KEEP HATING """OLIVER""" SO MUCH I will never get in.

 

god help me



(left unfinished)

 


su thoughts

Sep. 6th, 2019 08:20 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


okay but im like IN LOVE WITH WHITE DIAMOND OKAY ;___________;

GHFSJHKJDS SHE'S LIKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOM



also whoopsy-daisy looks like I'm Spinel





Concerns about the SU "agenda" based on recent episodes + movie.

Mainly, family commentary.

-abusive vs loving = too much focus on lenience/tolerance?

-VILLIANIZING DISCIPLINE. Especially with how Pink was treated when she disobeyed, in light of my own childhood and how such discipline, for ME, was GENUINELY HELPFUL. See above point. Don't like the b&w "all rough discipline is bad" this show, and many people nowadays, are proclaiming. Want to talk about this more while respecting BOTH sides.

-Plus, the Diamonds are trying so hard to be better after literal EONS of unhealthy behavior, and the amount of progress they have made in two Earth years is STAGGERING and worthy of genuine praise BUT Steven is acting so fed up with them??? And I don't understand.
It's like, if your mom did a poor job of raising you, but then you had a kid and suddenly she has a SECOND CHANCE to right her wrongs and wants to absolutely fawn over your grandchild, but you get bitter and say "no I want nothing to do with you anymore"???? Like that's what it seems like Steven is doing to the Diamonds and that is utterly incomprehensible to me. I don't like his attitude at ALL in that respect and I definitely need to reflect on that more.






realizing "did I dump oliver like rose dumped spinel?"

i want to say "not literally, no." yes, I gave warnings, I said I could not stay forever, etc. but what I didn't realize was that oliver REFUSED to believe those truths were true. he didn't WANT them to be true, so he denied them. and when I finally acted on them and left, it was a shock.

but. the bottom line is: I am still at fault. I didn't have the guts to say it straight. I flat-out LIED TO HIS FACE when, the night I left, I said "I'd be back in about three months." I think I tossed in a few "probably"s and such, but still. I knew I was NOT coming back. I didn't want to. but I was too chicken to say so. I knew oliver would have been devastated, and would have probably refused to let me leave. and maybe so I thought my cowardice was merciful. I gave him false hope, but I figured, it was better than a solid "I'm leaving and never returning, I want to forget all this, goodbye, it's over for good."
i am entirely at fault. i left him with roses and didn't realize that i was still leaving him.


Still ABSOLUTELY STAGGERED by the fact that SPINEL IS LITERALLY LIKE MY GEMSONA PUT ON TV, WTF, I SUSPECTED THIS BUT NOT THAT ACCURATELY GEEZ


(left unfinished)

 

prismaticbleed: (angel)



“God’s pursuit of you is always greater than your ability to wander away from him.”

Thank Him for this daily.

God, if you’ve gotta drag me back, then please do so. I am terrified of wandering away because I do and I’m so weak. But You are strong and won’t allow me to stay lost. Help me stay close to You, but when I stray… prove this quote with all Your might!!


“Everyone that is close to the Lord, the enemy attacks.”

The enemy attacks with hatred. Satan wants to make us suffer if we draw close to God, as a vitriolic vengeance against his Creator, who he refuses to submit to and wants no one to submit to. Hence all the wiles and schemes to get people to rebel through sin, just like every devil did and does.

Stand strong in the faith. Satan is forever at war with God, and this world is the battlefield, and you will be wounded as long as you’re on the heavenly side of it. That’s nothing to worry about though. Christ was wounded more than anyone, and He now lives eternally! The devil cannot separate you from Christ, no matter how he tries, no matter how much you may bleed at his hateful hands. God is still victorious, and Christ is still at your side. So smile and endure with a peaceful, patient heart. You wouldn’t be a target if you weren’t marked for heaven.
 

“Are they not therefore foolish who, for momentary delights, bind themselves to so many perpetual evils?”

— St. Gregory

Every sin has consequences. Sin itself has the ultimate consequence of death. Sinful behavior rebels against God’s will and God’s love, and in choosing to sin– even if such behavior is “enjoyable” for a brief time– means choosing to distance ourselves ever further from God.

Sins add up. Every single one is a new link in the chain of worldly bondage. Break the chain! Forsake the momentary and choose the true– sacrifice delight and gain joy! Choose Christ and His perpetual Good– the only other option is endless wickedness.


“Even Death and Destruction hold no secrets from the Lord . How much more does he know the human heart!”

— Proverbs 15:11

This is so profound, and equally humbling. We humans don’t understand death and destruction at all. We theorize about it constantly– we study it, probe it, analyze it; we invent stories and myths about it, we are haunted by its dark reality. And yet God fully comprehends them both. We can’t even imagine! So indeed, how much more does He understand the baffling paradoxes of our hearts– how completely He understands our most confusing thoughts and complex feelings, our most troubling struggles and overwhelming concerns! All the dark places of our souls, all the shadows within us that terrify us… God knows it all, and He comprehends it.

This truth alone should motivate us all to seek His help all the more ardently in our daily trials. When we feel utterly lost and helpless, surrounded by death and destruction inside and out… then let us turn to God. He understands what’s going on, and He knows how to manage it, and He knows how to get through it, and if we ask Him, He will lovingly help us to do so.

 

'Commit this sin, and confess it afterwards.' Behold the deceitful artifice by which the devil has brought so many thousands of Christians to hell.
-Saint Alphonsus Liguori

 

To sin with the intention to confess later actually corrupts the conscience– it fools the heart into thinking that sin has no consequences. But confession is nullified by such brazen thoughts. Confessing is only valid, and therefore only followed by absolution, if the confessor is truly sorry for their sin, and vows firmly to amend their life. In other words, contrition and conversion are mandatory aspects of Reconciliation. If you confess a sin and intend to commit it again, your confession becomes void. Similarly, if you willingly sin and use the possibility of confession as an excuse, or a “free pass,” you not only commit a sacrilege against the Sacrament, but you also numb and harden your own soul.

Don’t ever do anything that you even might have to confess after. Let that be your true litmus test– “if I do this, will I have to confess it?” If yes, then don’t do it; no excuses!! And don’t ever try to justify your sins. There IS no justification for sin to begin with! All sin deserves death; that’s the very nature of sin. You cannot alter that. The only justification any of us sinners can ever hope to have comes through Jesus Christ– and to willingly sin, once we know this fact, is a damnable offense.

Be careful!! Resist the devil, and stand strong in your faith!

 

Repentance is less about confessing how horrible you are and more about confessing how glorious Christ is.

Sean Smith

This wording is tricky. Yes, we ARE “horrible,” in that we’re all hopeless sinners without God. But there’s the light– with God, we have hope! And such is repentance. When we recognize that God is not only just, but merciful, and in His love He calls us TO repent, not out of self-loathing but out of love for Him, and sorrow for acting against love… then our repentance changes from “I’m a horrible person, I can’t stand myself, I have to change my ways or else” to “I’ve done horrible things but God still forgives me; I want to live in grateful honor of Him now.”

Repentance can only stick if it’s motivated by love of God, and driven by hope in Him. Otherwise it is just an empty striving against self-hatred.
 

enchantedsuggest:

no one is ever too broken to recover. whatever’s hurting you, depression, anxiety, trauma, eating disorders, rejection, you are never a lost cause, and you deserve to feel happy, and you can get there someday.

As someone struggling with all of those things, I really needed this hope tonight. Thank you.

I’m not a lost cause. God has kept me alive thus far; He will restore my soul as He sees fit. If anything is damaging my soul, hurting my heart, keeping me from Him… He will get rid of it. He will fix me in a way that glorifies Him. That’s all that matters and that’s all I want.

I’ve been broken but God can put me back together better. He can fill the fractures with gold. Someday, I hope He will deliver me from this mental illness hell. I pray He will. But until then let Him be my only strength. Perhaps that is the purpose of the waiting. Humility, trust, and compassion. So I pray for the grace to carry this cross in a way that glorifies Him. I will keep praying.



yourbigsisnissi:

When we sin it doesn’t stop God from loving us. But sin does disrupt the relationship we have with God. So when you’re making the choice to sin or not, it’s not about whether or not God will hate you for it. It’s really about whether the choice to sin is more important than your relationship with God.

God hates the sin, not you. But sin pushes you away from Him. The very act of sinning turns our minds and hearts away from God, in focus and priority and worship, in every case. God will always love us and perpetually calls us to repent and return to Him, but sin deafens us, blinds us, numbs us by it’s very nature. You can feel it, literally, and it is both sickening and utterly terrifying.

So for heavens sakes PLEASE look at the gravity of temptation like this! “When you’re making the choice to sin or not.It really IS that black and white. Either you’re honoring God, or you’re dishonoring Him. Either you’re acting out of love for God, or you’re acting in rebellion against God. Either you’re being kind and respectful and forgiving towards your neighbor, or you are being cruel and disrespectful and half-hearted towards them. There are only ever two choices and you CAN boil down everything you do, in genuine honesty, to be serving either God or the world… to be humility or pride… to be obedience or sin.

“Is your choice to sin more important than your relationship with God?” Because it really does boil down to just that. It’s just that simple, just that huge. It’s the choice between heaven and hell, on a daily basis. Choose wisely. It adds up, and one day, that tally WILL determine your permanent fate. You can’t claim to love God and then constantly trash your relationship. You can’t be His child and yet refuse to obey Him as your Father. You cannot choose to serve the world and then want to live in God’s kingdom. You must marry one or the other, as it were.

God must be the most important thing in our lives, and our every choice must reflect this priority. Think of the terror of losing Him by choosing hell, and let that motivate you to resist the devil at every turn.

God loves you. Honor and embrace that relationship. Choose Him.



“My son, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline, and don’t be angry when He corrects you. The Lord corrects the one He loves, just as a father corrects a child He cares about.”

— Proverbs 3:11-12

When God disciplines you, He’s just telling you that He loves you too much to leave you with your own foolishness that will destroy you in the end. 

This is why humility is required for holiness– to accept and apply the Lord’s discipline, we must be willing and able to admit that we’re fools. We make really foolish choices, we constantly end up tangled in the consequences of those choices, and inevitably we all find ourselves crying out to God, scared and helpless and ashamed and contrite, begging for mercy and deliverance, aware of and full of regret for our ignorance and folly.

All of that pain could have been avoided if we had just obeyed God in the first place.

That’s why He is, quite honestly, unflinchingly adamant and firm in His corrections. God knows how easily we fall, and how dangerous sin is, and how rampant temptation is. Satan is waging war against us, cruel and conniving. So God cannot afford to be lax in His discipline– just like training soldiers, that discipline will ultimately make the difference between life and death on the spiritual battlefield.

God loves you dearly. He is your Father, and you are His utterly beloved child. He will not take any chances with keeping you safe, and He will constantly look for ways to strengthen and instruct you in holiness, so that you continue to grow. We all start life as foolish children, but foolishness is not an inherently damning quality. It’s just a starting point. But we mustn’t stay there, or we’re easy targets for the devil and his attacks. We must move on from foolishness, and only God can show us the way… for as Scripture tells us, to fear the Lord– to honor and respect and rightly tremble at His unfathomable power and knowledge and love– is the first step on the way to wisdom.

God will free you from your fatal foolishness, if you let Him. So joyfully, gratefully accept and obey your corrections. The pain of regret lasts a lot longer than the pain of discipline, and brings only misery. But correction is a pruning of our souls, and in the end, it will make us radiant and thriving. Take heart; you are loved!!


i-walkbyfaith:

Indeed, God uses the brokenness of people to help someone in ways that they could not even imagine.

Today my struggle with mental illness had me in tears, as I feel it hinders me from doing so much for my church and my faith. I couldn’t imagine why God gave me this humiliating, frustrating, limiting cross. But He gave it. And I might never understand. All I’m called to do is live according to His Word and His Will as completely as I can, even if I am hindered in many ways. God will still use this brokenness for His glory, somehow, some way. I must have hope in that; I must be brave and persistent in faith. Otherwise despair will kill me.

God uses the broken and humble, not the proud and powerful. If my mental illness is able to make me what God wants me to be, then so be it. I’ll trust in Him. God just grant me the grace to turn to You in my weakness, always. Use me and my crosses for Your greater good, please. That’s all I’ll ever want.


Be real with God, even if it’s ugly. Lay it down at His feet.

Be real with God, ESPECIALLY if it’s ugly! He alone will not condemn you for your honesty in such an awful matter– instead, in your humble confession, in your surrender to His mercy, He will show you mercy.

God already knows. God knows it’s ugly and He knows it hurts and He knows you are ashamed and afraid and would rather deny that ugly thing than admit that it exists, so blatantly and regretfully, in your life. He knows, so don’t hide. Surrender, and you will find peace at last. Open up, show it to Him, and then let Him heal you of that ugliness, however He wishes to. Give it to God, don’t take it back, and watch Him work miracles in your life.

 

The sin that is most destructive in your life right now is the one you are most defensive about.

Tim Keller

We defend those sins because, in one way or another, we want to commit them. We fear letting them go– we fear living without them, fear the vast freedom Christ calls us to. We are so used to living in our little jails that we consider them ‘comfy’ and familiar…and forget how beautiful true life is outside of them– we forget that Christ is infinitely better.

The very act of defending a sin makes it the most destructive– because that means it has its hooks in our hearts, and it will eat us alive if we continue to keep it in such close company. Make the courageous choice to surrender, to NOT defend it, even just once– to instead admit you are afraid, and addicted, and weak, and in need of repentance and salvation– choose humility instead of pride, and watch the shackles begin to fall, by the grace of God.


koinohnia:

If you want to love Jesus, you have to stop degrading yourself and seeing yourself as some sexual object or tool for someone to want or use because you’re worth more than that. Jesus purchased you with His life, so that you could belong to only Him.

As someone recovering from years of nightmarish sexual sin, trauma, and toxicity, I need to be reminded of this constantly.

I am not an object, I am not a toy, I am not a pet or a plaything or a pleasure cruise. I am not a consumable object. I do not exist to entertain those who “love” me for what I can do for them.

I belong to Christ. I was created for Christ. I will live for Christ, and no one else. If I am worth anything, it is only through Christ… and He has called me to be His beloved child. That is more than the entire world can ever offer… and it also means I am worth more to God than I can ever imagine.

Jesus loves me, and sees the truth in me. If I want to truly love Him in return, I must accept His love for me, or else my sin-twisted feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred will push me away from Him… and will make me treat myself abusively in turn. Imagine how that hurts Him– He who died for love of me, to purge those terrors from me, to make me whole and wholly His own– to see me treating myself so unkindly! If I say I love Him, I must not hurt Him… and if I hurt someone He loves, it hurts Him terribly.

I am someone He loves.

Remember that always.


“Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there, but all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature of fallen men, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that. I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless! Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen. When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, ‘That’s meaningless!’ It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his Word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.”

— John Piper (via newlifepureheart)

So many people take offense to the truth that “everything happens for a reason,” but this quote expands upon that truth powerfully.

Everything that we experience in our lives comes from the will of God, either directly or through allowance. God is not directly responsible for the evil deeds of humans, but He does allow them the free will to choose evil… and then, He opens doors for His Glory to be proclaimed in beautiful victory over that evil. Good will always prevail in the end, for God is forever victorious. But to share in His victory now, we MUST face our sufferings with trust in God and His Good Purposes, or we will drown in confused blind despair.

In the end, all our mortal pains will be as dust in His hands. He will wipe our tears away and welcome us into the everlasting joy of His Kingdom, of His Presence. Trust Him now… for this is not the end of the story. Even if we don’t understand, we have faith in Him, and we use every experience to grow closer to Him until we finally meet Him face to face. Do not lose heart.
 

 

crownedbythelord:

Today I just realized again that all I need is God. No matter what happens, he is there to catch me. He is there - with his love, strength, peace, faithfulness, holiness - I can’t describe how beautiful it is to live in his presence. I can’t describe how thankful I am to have him and to belong to him. The moment I step out of his presence I am lost. But thank God, my shepherd always knows where to find me. I love you Jesus.

cheeryblueheart: Amen. I needed to Read this today. I don’t want to exist Outside of Christ.

I don’t ever want to exist outside of Christ, either… and by His Grace, I pray that I never ever will. Outside of Christ it is literally hell.

And that is the paradox of this life. Truly, we cannot exist outside of Christ– but in this fallen world, it can sure feel like we do. Sin distances us from Christ, giving us a real taste of Hell, and of its horrifying existential emptiness and terror. But when we have been burnt by sin’s flames, and chilled by sin’s desolation, we are blessed beyond comprehension to have, in this mortal life, the chance to turn around and run back Home… to step back into the Presence of God, of our Good Shepherd, Jesus Christ, who is waiting for us with open arms of eternal love… and who, indeed, is always closer than we think, even in the depths of our misery.

No matter what happens, Jesus is there. He holds us close to His Heart, and we belong to Him forever. The Father gave us to Him and nothing can take us out of His arms. (John 10:29)

I, too, am grateful to the point of tears that God is always there, that I belong to Him, and that with Him I am never lost. He is all I have, all I could ever want, and all that I will ever need, forever.

 

“If God gives you a few more years, remember, it is not yours. Your time must honor God, your home must honor God, your activity must honor God, and everything you do must honor God.”
-A.W. Tozer

 

 

As someone in recovery from both serious trauma and serious sin, this is vitally important.

Everything I do must honor God. This is only right and just– He could have let me rot and die in my brazen sins. But He didn’t– He mercifully and powerfully saved me. Not only that, but I still haven’t died from my own stupidity, and that is due to His good grace alone. The simple fact that God has me held so completely in His hands, is astounding. I’m humbled and struck by holy fear. In recognition of that, there is only one thing I want… and that is, indeed, to praise and thank and honor Him, admitting my sinful frailty and begging for the mercy to continue to repent and serve Him.

God, give me the grace, for Your sake!!

 

"The devil attacks some people more and others less. We can never know how dramatic the situation in each person's heart may be... It's amazing how we can disguise our passions as virtues..."

 

We must never make excuses for our own sins. We must never try to justify our failings. We must never look at our struggles with sin and try to stick a proud label onto it. So we might not share a certain temptation or sinful inclination or weakness with our fellow in faith. So what? They do not share many of ours either. But we both struggle, and we are both sinners. There is no merit or praise to be had here. We cannot pretend that the devil’s decisions are any credit to us. He attacks us all– we have no right or reason to judge others based on the percieved manner or frequency of such warfare.

In short: be humble. Your neighbor is still fighting the devil. Have mercy. God forbid you condemn them for “being more tempted than you,” only to suddenly face more temptations than ever! Humble yourself or you will be humbled… and for the proud, the process will be humiliating.

 

inchrist: The hardest thing about living a Christian life isn’t going to church, praying, receiving the sacraments, or reading scripture. It’s learning to forgive those who made your life hell and dissolving the grudge you hold against them.

dragonpuppies: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” is one of those things a lot of Christians get told as a kid and never really think about, which is a shame because when you do think about it, it’s the most flooring, impossible, life-altering command. 

caffeinatedcatholic: During my very first confession about a month before my confirmation, I told my priest about my grandfather, who was a protestant pastor and a pedophile who molested me all through my childhood, and about all the anger and sinful habits that resulted from it.

My confessor is such a kind a thoughtful priest and I love him, but the penance he gave me was the hardest I’ve ever ever done.

He told me to say 3 Our Fathers for my grandfather. My grandfather died shortly after I came forward about the abuse, of a heart attack. My priest said it doesn’t matter that he’s dead. It doesn’t matter that he’s probably in hell, it doesn’t matter where he is in the afterlife at all. Because my penance is for me, for my healing.

We don’t pray bc God needs to hear us say certain things, we don’t even pray for His benefit at all. It’s for ours. It’s for our healing, for our reconciliation, for us to draw our spirits close to His.

My priest told me, “Pray for him. Especially where the Our Father says, ‘And forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us.’ Your prayer won’t affect your grandfather, wherever he is, and it doesn’t need to. Your penance is for you, to help you let go and forgive.”

It took me an hour to say my penance. I was shaking with anger and fear and resentment, with the ache of longing to let it go. Especially since I spent a majority of my childhood praying and begging God to let him be in hell bc if he was somehow in heaven, I didn’t want to go.

And I finally did my penance and honestly nothing magical happened. It hurt a lot. I still try to pray for him and it still goes against everything in me. It’s a lot of work. But little by little I’m letting go, and it’s one less thing that I have to drag around with me every day.

Praying for your persecutors, your abusers, it’s freaking hard. And obviously not everyone is in the same situation as me and praying for your persecutors may actually also help them and be a turning point in their lives. Or it might not do anything for them. We dont know God’s will for their lives or the states of their hearts. But we know God wants us to give up our hate. Praying for your enemies will soften your heart, it makes you humble and lighter and kinder. Praying for your enemies is a conversion. Deny yourself.

This is such an important addition; thank you sincerely for sharing.

Our prayers and penance cannot change the past. Nor can it change the hearts of our enemies– only God can do that. But sincerely praying for them absolutely changes our hearts. It completely shifts the focus of our thoughts and emotions, rerouting us to humility and faith and mercy, instead of being stuck in lethal hardness and bitterness. God demands that His children strive to live in obedience to Him, and in honor to Him, and we cannot do either of those things by holding on to hatred.

Praying for your enemies is a conversion.” We must remember this. God will heal our hearts, if we meet Him there. However long it takes, no word is wasted, if it springs from faith and humility.

And above all, remember Christ, who died for us while we were still absolutely degenerate sinners, so that we could be absolved and forgiven and restored to friendship with Him. Remember this, this love that He has for you AND your abuser, this great desire He has to save and absolve BOTH your souls. You cannot save your abuser, but Christ can, and your praying to forgive them is going to help your salvation too… because it is helping realign your heart to imitate Christ’s. We’ve all sinned, we all deserve just punishment, but Christ offers mercy. Remember this, and humbly pray for your enemies. See their souls as separate from their sins– forgiveness does not justify their behavior, but it does allow for the possibility of change, even if only in your mind, from a toxic person to a healthy one. See that hope, even if they are no longer alive. Pray for mercy for them. Pray for the grace to will the best for them. Pray as Christ wants us to pray– for God’s will to be done, but also to forgive and be forgiven in turn. And in all this, Christ will teach you to honestly love all. I’m sure.

I apologize if this is rambling. My heart is just moved very strongly about all this.

 


 

 

inchrist: The hardest thing about living a Christian life isn’t going to church, praying, receiving the sacraments, or reading scripture. It’s learning to forgive those who made your life hell and dissolving the grudge you hold against them.

dragonpuppies: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” is one of those things a lot of Christians get told as a kid and never really think about, which is a shame because when you do think about it, it’s the most flooring, impossible, life-altering command. 

everlastinglyanna: And when you do it, despite how you might be burning on the inside or really don’t feel like it, God begins to change your heart. It’s beautiful. This helps us to obtain true charity. And get this, Proverbs 25:21-22 lets us know that if we serve our enemies or do good to them, it will be as heaping “coals of fire upon their head.” So not only does your heart begin to change, but apparently theirs does too! 

I’ve been struggling with forgiving a very toxic friend lately– difficult because not only can she cannot comprehend or admit that she harmed me so devastatingly, but also because she afterward spitefully refused to even consider the thought and instead declared that she would perpetuate such behavior. I’ve never felt such bitter pain and regret and sorrow and rage in my entire life and it’s terrifying. Literally all I can do is pray. I still love my friend but I hate what she did and is doing and that hatred is suffocating me. All I can do is pray, that my heart be softened to genuine mercy and forgiveness… and that my friend and I both will be brought ever closer to God through contrition.

It really is difficult– it often feels frighteningly impossible. But God can do anything, including changing my heart to follow His command of divinely merciful love. And God, I do beg you for the grace.



“The most beautiful creed we pronounce is the one we pronounce in our hour of darkness.”

Padre Pio (1887 – 1968)

When we are tested to our very limits, when the storms of life batter us to the brink, then the strength and foundation of our faith is revealed. The creed we pronounce when we have every reason to doubt and rage and abandon ship, the creed we steadfastly proclaim with the last ounce of hope in our heart… that is the one that carries diamonds, that holds the most graceful truth.


“Nothing is due to me. I am not a miracle worker. Left to my own devices, I can do nothing but sin.”

St. Pio of Pietrelcina

The fact that Saint Padre Pio said this is both shocking and humbly reassuring– as a sinner who is devastated by their own horrific iniquity, knowing that even the saints were well aware that “everything good in me comes from God alone” gives me hope. Left to my own devices I am an absolute abomination. But my weak and wrecked nature is not a solid sentence of hell, if only God’s grace intervenes on my behalf. Maybe one day I too can become a saint through God’s salvific and sovereign power. That gives me great hope. And so I pray.

Grace alone has preserved my life. Grace alone will keep me alive today. Grace alone will grant me a future. Everything, past present and future, is from God.

 

“We know that when He shall appear, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. That is the end; there perpetual praising, there Alleluia always without fail.” —St. Augustine (Homily 10 on the First Epistle of John)

This most blessed and glorious hope moves me to tears and is often the only thing getting me through the day. In the end, in the gracious end, there is only God and love of Him, forever!

 

“When your body is injured, do you know what you body immediately does to heal itself? Blood aggressively moves towards the injury. Your body reveals the nature of God; wherever there is sin, here comes aggressive forgiveness of His Blood.”

— Pastor Judah Smith

This is such an eye-opening realization… it changes the way we look at sin. Sin is injury– it is soul damage! And without the Blood of Christ, it cannot heal. We need the blessedly aggressive forgiveness of Jesus’s atonement as much as we need literal blood in our veins… and our hearts need Him just as much.


Take heart; Jesus has overcome the world!
John 16:33

[We are often told that "The battle is over; the victory is won."] No, the WAR has already been won, but the BATTLES continue. This is how we participate in Christ’s victory. @strategic-social-media

Amen to this. Spiritual warfare is real and will continue until Christ’s return in final victory. But no matter how many battlefields we must brave in the meantime, God is triumphant over it all, and sin IS defeated… just outside of our personal time. Sin refuses to accept this fact and so it fights bitterly, rebelliously, vengefully. But have hope, have faith, and soldier on! Christ is with us– still and always. And He will continue to overcome this world, as long as it continues to oppose Him. Take heart!


I met God, Who slowly, painfully, and divinely pieced me back together.


Sin tore me to shreds, but God picked me up– powerfully, but gently. Putting me back together would take a great deal of time… understandably, considering how delicate and careful the process was (and is). To rush would have been not only disrespectful, but also disastrous. I am grateful for the mending, but I cannot deny the pain– sewing torn skin and soul, setting cracked bones and being, soothing shocked head and heart. I still ache; I still have flashbacks and nightmares, illness and sickness. But I am safe now. I am, through His divine love, whole now. No longer am I ripping out parts of my spirit and handing them out to greedy wolves who believed they were just “misunderstood sheep.” Their ravenous appetites swore otherwise. And my Shepherd knew the truth, and He found me, and He delivered me into the sanctuary of His arms… where I wish to remain for the rest of my life, all the more healed and happy and holy each morning.

I met God, who saved me from myself, and now I joyfully live for Him. All glory, honor, and praise be to The Lord!!


Believing the right things about Jesus isn’t enough. You’re not adopted as God’s child until you confess and turn away from your wrongdoing and receive the freely offered gift of forgiveness and eternal life that Jesus purchased with his death on the cross. Until you do that, you’ll always be on the outside looking in.

Lee Strobel

Always remember James 2:19… “You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!” In this we realize, strikingly, that believing the truth does not mandate obedience to it, or even respect for it! Demons believe, but then they oppose– they attack, they rebel, they scorn, they desecrate. But they still quake in terror at the truth. That does not make them holy. Similarly, no amount of belief or acknowledgement of truth on our part can make us a child of God… for a child not only believes his parents, but obeys and respects and loves them also– with humility!! A good child knows he is not greater or wiser than his father and he honors that difference in wisdom. And so we do this by confessing our Father’s infinite wisdom and righteousness, confessing our own sinfulness and foolishness before Him, and gratefully accepting the salvation from such a state that ONLY God can give, and has given, through His Son. No devil will ever, or can ever, do any of those three steps. A demon has no honor of God, no humility of heart, and no salvation. So yes, you do well to believe… but you must live that belief, for faith without works is dead!

 

“The only really practical type of a rebellion is that which is also a repentance. All real reform springs from this sense of something wrong, not only in our surroundings, but in ourselves.”

— G.K. Chesterton

To rebel without repentance is to rebel in pride; it is an offensive act against something outside of us that we disagree with or detest, while maintaining our own “righteousness.” It is, in essence, a refusal to see oneself as blameworthy or mistaken. This is a dangerous act that fuels arrogance and sinful selfishness, and crushes the capacity for humility and spiritual growth.

However, to rebel with repentance is something I never even considered until now. It means that the disagreement and disgust is with ourselves– it means that the thing we wish to stand against and act in opposition to is in us, not just outside us– it means that we recognize that the roots of the illness in society spring from our own souls, not the other way around.

Rebellion of the virtuous sort therefore requires serious courage, as it first requires that we actively take a stand against our own selfish impulses. To see, admit, and then oppose our own sinful inclinations is mandatory for holiness but it is also very difficult– Scripture itself attests to this (Galatians 5:17)!

Ultimately I think we can best grasp the gravity of this distinction by reviewing the root definition of “rebellion”… which is “war waged against a government by some portion of its subjects.” Which spiritual government are you rebelling against? Are you rebelling against the gentle yoke of Christ, preferring the seductive snares of sin? Or are you rebelling against the heavy chains of the flesh, choosing instead to follow Christ to true freedom? You cannot serve two masters, but ultimately you will serve one.

Make sure your soul is being governed by God… and if it’s not? Then repent, rebel, and reform.


“If anything, let your pain be the passion for your prayer.”

— p.j. {1 Thessalonians 5:17}

Frequently, the pain is so overwhelming it makes formal prayer difficult, and this is both horrible and terrifying. So when it’s that bad, don’t despair! Pour out your heart to God in the pain, as the pain. If words aren’t possible, then speak in feelings. Ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for you, to give you the grace to pray somehow, so that your suffering never drives you away from God… even if all you can do is cling to His pierced feet and weep. Hold on to Him with every ounce of strength you have. This is prayer.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------


We no longer suffer from “suffering” when we recognize and embrace it all as God’s loving will for us. This is one of the dearest, most beautiful blessings of God’s grace to us as His Children. ❤

Salvation - What is truly required? 

lovechangeseverythang:

What won’t save you :

- how often you go to church / pray / read Scriptures
- your good works
- how “spiritual” or “religious” you are
- the faith of your family members / friends

What will save you :

- Romans 10:9-10, “that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.”

Lets get the idea out of our heads that our religiosity is what saves us. It’s a bold statement, but I say it with full confidence: Jesus saves you, and that’s it. Everything else comes after, and is needed for spiritual growth, but like I said… it comes after! Don’t get caught up in trying to do this thing, or that thing, or be this person, or that person. Once He changes your heart, your desires change too, and TRUST ME, He will transform you into who you’re supposed to be if you let Him take over your life! Over time you’ll develop spiritual discipline that will lead you to pray, go to church, read Scriptures, carry out good works, etc. But those don’t save you, and our God is more concerned with your heart than all of those things!
 

Everything else comes after. That is such a powerful hope, such a joyful truth. I can attest to that with my whole heart. Jesus WILL transform you if you surrender to Him with love! It takes time but it’s beautiful time, even when it’s scary, even when it hurts, because through it all you know that it is ALL drawing you closer to Him. Obedience to God practically guarantees persecution and suffering in this world, but those trials are like dust compared to the ultimate end our obedience points to– life in Christ, forever.

And that’s what saves us… Christ’s love, Christ’s mercy, Christ’s power, Christ’s cross. He changes us and we no longer have to struggle in fear to “do good or else,” because once we life for Him, doing good is no longer a challenge of our weak wills, but it becomes a loving response to God’s love. Our good works bloom FROM our faith, as effortlessly as flowers, but requiring the same amount of time and effort, too. It’s a glorious paradox. But in the end, I must reiterate, those works are NOT what save us– they come after we are already saved, through faith in our Savior.

Faith makes Christ the new center of our lives, instead of the world. Spiritual growth comes from becoming part of the True Vine, from whom all good things flow. Prayer and fasting and sacrifice and all sorts of Christian activities will eventually become our joyful nature, not a hard decision. Have faith. God will change your heart to resemble His, more every day. He does all the hard work. All we have to do is truly believe in Him, through His Son, and the Spirit will carry us through the rest of this life, through happiness and horror, through peace and pain, until we reach the doors of death and meet our Father at last.

No matter what you do or don’t do, it won’t save you. Paradoxically, because Christ alone saves us, your works or lack thereof won’t damn you, either… because once you have faith, you will do works. It‘s the inevitable result of a changed heart. You’ll no longer worry about “being enough,” because Christ is enough, and living for Him becomes a fearless act of love, instead of a chore.

Faith comes first. Everything else comes after.

 

God says:
I closed off all easy roads leading to Me.
But I am reachable, if you're willing to go the extra mile.

Matthew 7:14. “But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

Jeremiah 29:13. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

God is always reachable, but we must prove our pure intentions in seeking Him out. No casually curious souls will be granted access. The road to God is difficult but this is a testament to His glory– only those willing to be made worthy through faithful endurance of its trials will make it through that extra mile.

But we can. God wants us to seek and find Him. And He rejoices in our steadfast pursuit of Him. So forget the easy roads– they may seem pleasant at first but they’re all dead ends. Choose the roughest road– the road of the Cross– for only that road leads to heaven.


alistairradley:

“You didn’t find Jesus, He found you. He wasn’t lost, you were.”

— Matt Chandler

You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you!

—Jesus

This is an important truth to humbly remember when we inevitably struggle in our faith lives. We may be terribly lost, unsure how to find God again, too weak to properly choose the right things… but God is seeking us always, choosing us again and again, giving us the Grace needed to live in Him anew every morning… if we admit that we are lost, weak, and confused. If we deny our state of lack and sin, we cannot be found, strengthened, corrected, or led.

But, if and when we remember that our salvation is of Christ and ONLY of Christ, by His will and power, and not by any speck of our own merit… then, in all grateful humility, we allow ourselves to be found… we allow ourselves to be chosen, and then, we can choose Him, too.


“AT THE END OF A DAY, I WANT PEOPLE TO THINK AND SAY, { MY HEART LOOKS LIKE YOURS JESUS.}”

Crowned with thorns of humility, pierced with a lance of persecution, and afire with love for humanity.

Seriously though. Our hearts must imitate both Christ’s love and His suffering, for the two are forever intertwined. His love was the most powerfully proved by His suffering, after all– that’s why we have the Cross!


Sometimes I don’t need to understand…

just trust in the Lord.

Trust creates peace.

We humans understand so little the way it is. How could we ever trust God if we demanded to understand Him first? By His very nature, He is unfathomable! His ways are infinitely above our ways. But His ways are also always good. So what does it matter if we don’t understand? We know the bottom line. God is trustworthy. So trust Him.

This, indeed, grants our hearts an equally unfathomable peace.

 

When a church changes their values to match current culture, they're no longer following the Bible, they're following the lost.


God never changes. His Word is whole and true for eternity. There is never any reason for His church to mutate itself to match a fickle, shifting, fading culture. We must instead stand strong as a bulwark of truth amidst the whirling winds of the world.
 

“A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.”

— Proverbs 11:12

All our words should be edifying, honest, and merciful. True judgment is accompanied by compassion and humility. It does no good to deride anyone.
 

Christians are guilty of telling more lies to God on Sundays than on any other day. You know why? Because it is on Sundays that they sing so many hymns - such as, “All to Jesus I surrender”, “Take my silver and my gold, not a mite would I withhold”, etc.

You may sing those words because they’re in the hymnbook. But you don’t mean them. And you don’t realize that you’re speaking directly to God when you sing such hymns. Maybe you are more conscious of the tune than of the words. That’s when you tell lies to God.

Jesus said that we would have to give an account to God in the day of judgment for every careless word that we spoke (Matthew 12:36).

-Zac Poonen “God Centred Praying”

Especially in church, every single word we say must come from our heart in both frank sincerity and solemn awareness of the binding quality of words. If you say something mindlessly or automatically, where is the honor in your words? Where is their value?

I am a cantor at my church and I am often left in tears and trembling from what I sing in those hymns. God knows I mean every word, for His glory and for His love, and I pray with every breath that He grants me the grace I so dearly need to keep those promises and confessions.

But I am very aware how deadly a careless hymn is to the soul. It is just as lethal as hollow prayer, for hymns are indeed just prayers set to music– and in both, we must be fully and humbly aware of Who is listening. He knows your heart, and whether or not it is in your words. So be honest. Mean what you sing. And if you cannot sing with sincerity, then seriously pray about that. But don’t ever sing emptily.
 

I will be like a shepherd looking for his scattered flock. I will find my sheep and rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day. (NLT) -Ezekiel 34:12

 

God considers each of His children to be a lost sheep. We are all prone to wandering away from Him, lured by the shallow enticements of the world, and ultimately ending up terribly lost, sometimes to the point of losing hope. But fear not! As one of His precious sheep, He will seek you out and find you to bring you back to His flock. Oh, how much He loves you, to ensure that you do not get lost along the way! You are too important for Him to overlook, and you should never doubt that. He is your Good Shepherd.

 

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. (NLT) -Matthew 10:39

 

The emphasis here is not on losing your life and all of your possessions, but rather on turning your focus away from those possessions. We sometimes lose sight of the important things in life: such as strengthening the bond with your parents or mending wounds with friends. God calls us to love both our neighbors and our enemies, so by focusing on building Godly relationships, we honor Him. Maybe it has been a long time since you shared a special moment with your brothers or sisters, let alone a special moment with God. We become so busy in life that our priorities can be flipped upside down, and that is truly “losing” our life. Without God and neighbor taking priority over stuff and status, our lives will become living deaths. We must change our way of thinking and prioritize in a healthy and Godly way by putting God, our spouse, and our family first.

 

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. (NLT) -Ephesians 3:17

 

When you place your faith in God and trust that His plans for you are better than you can imagine, Christ will send the Holy Spirit to you. Through prayer and daily reading of the Bible, a relationship will grow. This relationship is unlike any other, and it will sharpen you to constantly grow to be more like Christ. Stay rooted in God’s love, and focus on strengthening your loving relationship with Him daily.
 

“And suddenly I realized that every single thing in my life is fleeting, and that only God is eternal.”

sad and yet gloriously sweet realization…

“This too shall pass.” Every earthly joy and sorrow will fade. But if we anchor our lives on God, our true joy and true life, not even the passing away of this entire world will shake us, for our hope is in Heaven with the Lord of Eternity.
 

Even on my darkest and twistiest of days, God is still there. No matter how hollow my chest feels or how heavy my bones are, He is there always whispering encouragement.


“Keep pushing. I’m not done yet.”

God isn’t done with you, so never give up. Our strength isn’t what matters here– God’s strength is. So no matter how weak, helpless, tired, scared, or useless we may feel, that doesn’t matter– God will carry us through for His sake, by His will, and God is unstoppable. If we cling to Him in obedient faith and ardent hope, we will share in the joy of His victory over death in our lives, by the grace of Christ.

Keep pushing– God will give you the strength. He isn’t done, so don’t be afraid. Until the very end and beyond, He is with you… and in this loving trust, not even the end can scare you.

 

Don't forget God when you get what you prayed for.

God isn’t a vending machine! God is the CREATOR, the Giver and Maker of All! When He gives you what you pray for, it is because He wills it, and He is glorified in the giving– God owns all things and gives them to His children as He chooses. So humbly remember this when you receive such gifts. Thank Him for His generous goodness, and His loving mercy in answering you so!
 

pray even when the waters are calm

especially when the waters are calm

When the waters are calm, we can see all the way to the bottom. There are a lot of terrible things hiding down there, trust me. Just because they aren’t moving right now doesn’t mean they’re out of the picture. One day again they shall turn the seas into a maelstrom. So when the waters are calm, it’s the best time to reflect on just how much we have been delivered from, and just how blessed we are to have hope in Christ, who alone calms the waters, no matter how severe the storm.

Pray then, pray now, pray always. Prayer is praise and love and wonder and awe and humility and sorrow and pleading and gratitude. Prayer is the heart speaking to God in any and all circumstances. Pray in tough times, pray in tranquil times. Never stop, because you always need it… for you always need God.


Do what makes you happy holy.

Holiness is true happiness-- and we will never be happy if we are not striving to be holy first!


"Within the covers of the Bible are the answers for all the problems men face."
-Ronald Reagan

The bottom line: put God first in all things. Obey and honor Him as your first priority– the answers you seek will naturally follow.


"It is not a matter of time so much as a matter of heart; if you have the heart to pray, you will find the time."
-Charles Spurgeon

Time is a sacrifice too, and a precious one– we never know if this is our final hour. And yet, blessed irony, this truth of temporality should move us all the more strongly to offer every moment to God!

Furthermore, we give our time most naturally to what we love… to what our hearts deem worthy of attention, of worship. If God does not hold the highest place– nay, the only place– on that list, you must fix your priorities. If you truly love God above all else, you will make time for Him, even in your most potent stress, even in your most heavy fatigue, even in the face of death.

If you have the heart to pray, no excuse will ever prevent you from praying.

 

"Blessed, however, are those who’ve managed to simplify their life and become liberated from the web of this world’s development of numerous conveniences (i.e. many inconveniences), and were released from the frightening stress of our present age."
-St Paisios of Mount Athos

This present age is a tangled knot of useless stressors indeed. We are born with nothing and we die with nothing. God is all that matters.

 

“A fool vents all his feelings, But a wise man holds them back.”

— Proverbs 29:11 (nkjv)

Feelings are temporary and transient. They flare up and die down as quickly and chaotically as a flame. Venting them as they roar by is foolish indeed– wisdom lies in silence, in patient discretion. We must calmly assess our feelings for truth and propriety, before we give words to any of them.
 

“Good sense and discretion make a man slow to anger, And it is his honor and glory to overlook a transgression or an offense without seeking revenge and harboring resentment.”

— Proverbs 19:11 (AMP)

God is merciful to us; let us then be merciful to all our brethren.

If there is to be any vengeance, it is God’s, never ours. We are to forgive in humble compassion, to pray for the souls of those who offend us, and to seek their good. Resentment will rot our hearts. Both good sense and holiness quench the harmful heat of anger. Always choose what will bring honor to Christ.
 

thewordfortheday:

Jesus understands that our flesh is contaminated by sin and extremely weak when it comes to spiritual things. But He tells us to seek His strength so that we may live for Him and not succumb to our flesh. Knowing that our flesh is not able to do what our spirit desires, Jesus encourages us to pray –
“Watch and pray, that you enter not into temptation.” (Matthew 26:41) Each of us has certain areas where we are more vulnerable to temptation and susceptible to sin. Jesus tells us that we should always be alert to the possibility of satan’s temptation, especially in these areas. Jesus also encourages us to pray, bringing our needs and weaknesses “specifically” before the throne of God in order to receive His help.

Our flesh is not able to do what our spirit desires.” This is the shocking, humbling truth. This is why we must be vigilant in prayer, for we are at perpetual risk for temptation and sin, as weak as we are. But God will help us for His glory and in His love.

Also, remember the emphasis on “specifically.” The most powerful intercession is given to the most radical honesty & surrender. When you’re struggling, tell God the details– lay your heart bare. Yes, He already knows, but what faith and trust and humility it grows in you to confess it to Him so directly, so totally!

 

The challenge of our faith is not our inability to hear God’s voice, but rather our willingness to entertain other voices

Bill Johnson

Too many other voices are talking over Christ’s Word in our hearts; in our world we are bombarded by chatter and noise. We must constantly endeavor to listen to God all the more closely, and fill all our senses with Him, to overpower the cacophony of the world.

 

justcallmebishop:

Its fascinating to me just how possible it is to know God, yet how committed I can be to only learn more about myself.

In knowing God more, we come to truly know ourselves more, too… after all, what meaning is there to life and self without God? All self-reflection born from proud curiosity and self-worship is bound to collapse emptily in the end. I can gravely attest to this. The only self-knowledge worth anything is the knowledge of who we are in Christ, who we are to God, and who we can and will become through God’s salvific grace.

Read your Bible. Pray without ceasing. Make knowledge of God your truest commitment. This will ultimately also teach you more about yourself than anything else ever can.

 

justcallmebishop:

It’s the new Christian fad to see maps everywhere, in churches and in homes, because every Christian wants to reach the nation’s, but so painfully few want to reach their neighbors.

Thinking “globally” can become so abstract, that it takes the feeling of urgency away from evangelization and charity both. But when your starving, struggling, sin-wracked neighbors are next door, or in your own family, the call to do God’s work becomes more urgent than ever– and you can’t hang up that divine call without willful ignorance.

It’s a staggering reality, to see that we are surrounded right now by people in desperate need of God, and we can’t rely on any corporation, celebrity, or community outreach to do the hard work for us, whereas globally we can make a donation or mission trip or prayer group and feel “accomplished.” But although it is good to give this sort of national help, it is far better– and I daresay more Christian– to do the humble hidden work here at home.

Talk to your neighbors about Christ. Talk to your family. Care for the sick, elderly, disabled, and lonely in your hometown, on your street. Cook meals, run errands, care for children and pets, assist with bills, even just visit someone who needs the comfort of a fellow soul. Do all of these things and more for God’s sake– because you love Him, and you love His children. If you call yourself a Christian, your life must honor His life. Do as He would do, and help those who need your help, personally.

 

Those that forever seek the Word of God are overrun by those who do It.
-Reinhard Bonnke

Seek God’s will, but when you find it– and you WILL, for God promises this– do it!

We can all too easily “pretend” we don’t know God’s will if we’re afraid to obey it, or if we don’t understand it. But His will is right there in Scripture. It’s engraved upon our hearts. It’s given in response to honest prayer. Deep down, whenever we ask in faith, we WILL receive in faith. The important bit is acting on it with the same amount of faith and trust.

Seek His will, find His will, and do His will. There are always three steps. If you don’t do it, then you disobey it. There is no other option. Remember this.

 

hisprincess:

Stop taking your eyes off of Christ. Without Him you’ll end up in the exact place you keep telling yourself you don’t want to be.

Reminder to self.

Think of the world as a raging sea, and think of your life as a boat out in the storm. Now think of Christ as a lighthouse– as a lodestar, as the sole guiding brilliance of your ship, the sole hope of safety, the sole signpost of survival and salvation from the wild tempests. That is how dearly you should value Christ– as your only hope; as THE only hope! Fix your eyes on His light just as unflinchingly as a sailor in such a storm would fix his eyes on the beacon proclaiming safe shores. Without Christ, you will not only become desperately lost– you will also die out there, in the merciless maelstrom.

You don’t want to be lost at sea. So keep your eyes on Christ, and follow Him.

 

“We are all one in sin, one in failure, one in hopelessness, one in need of the Lord Jesus Christ and His great salvation.”

— Martyn Lloyd-Jones

Jesus is the One for Everyone.

Remember this: there are no exceptions. Every person on this earth has sinned, and cannot save themselves. But Christ has opened the Way to every person, too. Have mercy on your brethren, and walk with them together to His Cross of Salvation!


“God seeks churches and households that love the lost, not love the blessing God bestows on them for reaching the lost. God seeks those who sacrificially give for the advance of the gospel because Jesus is worth it, not because Jesus will make it worth it.”

— Dick Brogden

If Jesus is not enough motivation for you to sacrifice, then you need to seriously examine your heart as a Christian. If you’re “in it” for temporal blessings, your heart is in the wrong place. Love the lost because God loves them, and because you love God, and because He quite honestly commanded that we love all our fellow humans– all our fellow creations of God, all our fellow souls in need of salvation.

Jesus Christ alone– love and glory and praise of Him– is enough motivation to make the most generous sacrifices. Everything is already worth it, if it’s for Him.

 

koinohnia:

Jesus was nailed to the cross so His love could pierce your hard heart to make it soft.

The mental imagery of this alone can shatter a heart of stone.

Reflect on this profound suffering love whenever sin hardens your heart. Let the nails pierce you through. Let love break you open so that grace can enter in again.

 

Trust God in the tunnel, and He will lead you into Light.

God never leads us into dead ends. Every path we take through faith in Him ultimately leads to Him. So if following Him leads you somewhere dark and dreary, remember that it’s only a temporary thing… there’s an exit somewhere, sometime. Even if that exit is the end of your life, do not fear! If you’re following God, you’ll reach Him in the end. Trust Him in the meantime, no matter what.


 

Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. (NLT) -Psalms 34:14

 

God wants us to live peaceful lives. God hates the insecurity and fear evil brings to our lives. Thus, a part of being a Christ follower is being a peace seeker- for following Him brings true peace. Make a list of how you can be an agent of peace in your community. Do you feel moved to make amends with neighbors? Co-workers? Family members? Maybe you feel called to speak against a particular injustice? It could be that you are nudged to finally are agree to volunteer in your local church. Rest assured that Christ has placed these peaceful nudges into your heart for His sake and the sake of His Kingdom. Make steps to be a peacemaker today!

 

"If we could only see the joy of our guardian angel when he sees us fighting temptations."
- St. John Vianney.

This is a powerful love-driven motivator.

Love is really the only motivation for good. Remember this in your struggles. Without love, you’re stuck. With love, you’re already free.


preparation-and-acceleration:

Father, please show me whenever I am not thinking in ways that will cultivate my heart for You so I can unroot that mindset

Show me, and then please, give me the grace TO unroot those thought processes. I cannot do it myself. Only You can. So please, God… show me Your will, and enable me to do it, for Your sake.

 

“I am profoundly grateful to God that He did not grant me certain things for which I asked, and that He shut certain doors in my face.”

— Martin Lloyd Jones

God’s will is always better than ours, for His knowledge, wisdom, and purity is always infinitely greater than ours.

If God shuts a door, rejoice. If He denies a request, rejoice. He knows what He’s doing. You are being protected and guided by His powerful hand. Then, with grateful humility, obey His rerouting.

 

My worth is found in Christ and only in Christ.

No matter what the world says about you, good or bad, in the end Christ is all that matters, and all that is worth anything. If you cling to Him, no earthly abandonment or demonic lies can shake you. Without Christ, though– without God– is there anything worthwhile? No. Everything outside of Him will pass away and come to naught. But Christ died to conquer death, to make us worthy who believe in Him. No amount of money, fame, power, possessions, praises, or prizes can do that. But if God calls you worthy through His Son, then nothing on earth can take that away from you. Hold on to that joyful hope.
 

“And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” (NLT) -Luke 11:9

The power of persistent prayer is incredible. Strength rises up in your voice as you continuously seek God’s answer to your prayers. This persistence proves that you are not seeking instant gratification, that you trust that God hears you and will respond in His divine timing, and that you both realize and trust in the power and importance of honest prayer itself. Rest assured that, no matter how long it may take to see an answer, God will always answer: through fulfillment of your prayer, a firm “no,” or by guiding your heart in a different direction, causing you to no longer seek the answer to that prayer. God always hears us, especially in the silence that moves our hearts. Go ahead and pray a specific prayer daily, and wait faithfully for His response.

 

 The use of many words in prayer is helpful, if only because our consciousness is in this way fixed upon the holy words for a longer time. Even if we are not completely absorbed in the meaning of the words we utter, but only diverted from trifles, from vain agitation, worry, impure thoughts - even that is a great gain. And if we add to this a vivid sense of no more than one hundredth of what we read, the soul acquires countless treasures.

-Diary of a Russian Priest

Prayer is always a great benefit to the soul. This emphasis on the holy focus of lengthy prayer is very important to remember. It is indeed far better to devote our spare time to prayer than to trifles, and claiming “it’s hard to concentrate” or the like is no excuse in light of this truth… and that is joyfully encouraging! No prayer is ever wasted. No effort is ever lost. So pray– pray always, and never be discouraged!

 

You don't need a reason to help people.

But you’ve got one nevertheless: John 15:12, and Luke 10:36-37!

 



koinohnia:

 

koinohnia:

Remember, Shadrach, Meshasch, and Abednego. God didn’t put out the fire. He just put Jesus in there with them and they came out without smoke. It’s not about God stopping all the things that look bad; it’s about who is in there with you... God didn’t put the fire out nor did they need it to be put out. They believed God would deliver them but were content in giving their lives to honor the word and kindness of God if He had not. And that’s amazing. Amazing grace.

realjoyismine: Remember this: those boys didn’t know that they’d be saved out of the fire. They were ready to die for the Lord. That is what they told King Nebachadnezzar. The outcome? They didn’t care. They just stood for what was right: honoring and glorifying God at all costs.

This was my favorite Bible story as a child. It still is.

They didn’t need the fire to be put out because that wasn’t the point– they only cared about glorifying God, even if that meant dying for His sake.

That truth, that faith, still pierces me to the core. God, I pray that my own faith may be so unflinchingly steadfast, for love of You!!

 

Once you become aware that the main business that you are here for is to know God, most of life’s problems fall into place of their own accord.

J.I. Packer, Knowing God

No matter how long or short our life is, knowing and serving God is all that matters. Making that our top priority will inevitably cause all our other cares and concerns to find their proper place in service to it. Everything that doesn’t serve God must go.

It’s a blissful courageous streamlining of life that honestly makes life under any circumstances worth living, because when our earthly life is for God, we can rest assured that we will have a life with Him after this one is over. And all else is dust in comparison.

 

Paul learned to be content with what he had. Which is remarkable since he had so little. He had a jail cell instead of a house. He had four walls instead of the mission field. He had chains instead of jewelry, a guard instead of a wife. How could he be so content? Simple. He focused on a different list.
He had eternal life. He had the love of God. He had forgiveness of sins. He had the surety of salvation. He had Christ, and Christ was enough. What he had in Christ was greater than what he didn't have in life.

 

God, present in His Son, is always enough.

This life is temporary… the life to come is eternal. Saint Paul knew that true joy and contentment come from fixing our hearts on the latter. No matter what we have or don’t have here… in the end, in eternity, what truly matters is having God… and we do have Him in Christ. When our hearts genuinely know this, all else is as dust in comparison to that blessed joy.

 

 

 

syney: Some Christians have a hard time praying because they don’t think it works for them.

God says that if we ask and do not receive, it is because we ask with the wrong motives; for personal pleasure. He also says that if we ask according to His will, He will hear us. So if he hears us - whatevever we ask - we can know that we have what we have asked of Him.

The first step is changing our motives. The next step is faith.

everlastinglyanna: This is good! Prayer is vitally important. How you pray matters. Luke 18 is one of my favorite examples of how to pray. 

If we’re not praying, how will we ever know what God requires of us? How will we know what he has to say concerning our issues or the things we go through daily? More importantly, how do we expect God to move for us or to develop a relationship with him if we don’t talk to him? Men ought to always pray & not faint. 

And if he doesn’t answer right then and there, just wait. Waiting is not just to sit down as if you’re in a waiting room, but you continue to seek Him until he gives you the answer. Continue to work unto Him! To wait, by definition, is to look forward expectantly. To be ready and available. It may not happen right now, but be expectant, be ready!

Isaiah 59:1 lets me know that his ear is not so heavy that he can’t hear me. I have to believe that!

Without faith, it is impossible to please God. 

Our prayers must ultimately be rooted in our faith– in our love of God, and in glory to Him. If what we are praying for does not glorify Him, or testify to our love of Him and His commandments… then our motives need to change, because God will not grant any request that goes against His Holy Will. The Holy Spirit will convict you if this is the case, in my humbling experience.

But waiting is so important too. It shows, actively, that we trust God’s timing as much as we trust His will. Prayer us ultimately about God, not about us. We are not entitled to get our requests fulfilled, let alone fulfilled now, or in the manner we choose. None of that is our choice.

When we are waiting on a response, do so with joyful surrender to whatever God’s answer is… whether it is yes, no, not now, or not in that way. But absolutely be ready to get a yes, too– sometimes having a prayer answered affirmatively and quickly is a bigger test of faith than the alternative. If you pray for a healing, are you truly ready to change your life to accommodate that God-given change in health? Or are you secretly afraid of getting better because you aren’t sure how not to be sick? Similarly, if you pray for deliverance from a certain repetitive sin or addictive temptation, are you prepared for the gap that will leave in your life, that the devil will try to fill again? Are you prepared for the increase in holy activity you will need to cultivate in order to prevent relapse? I give these examples because that is my current struggle, and it speaks volumes as to the importance of motivation, trust, surrender, faith, and readiness in prayer.

We must be willing to do the work required to live in the will of God, when we pray for it. His will WILL be done, no matter what. So… let us pray, above and with all else, to be conformed TO His Will, in both our prayers and in our lives.


“Rose early to seek God and found Him whom my soul loveth. Who would not rise early to meet such company?”
— Robert Murray M'Cheyne

He is up all night anyway, watching over us with mercy and compassion. So the moment we awake, He is already there, full of love, brighter and warmer than the sun.

Rise early, and watch the sun rise with your Beloved, with God who created both it and you, and who rejoices in your loving company too.

 

sojourneronearth: Why live if my purpose isn’t immediately to preach the gospel anymore. If I cannot do that, what is the point?

 

Make every moment a preaching, then. May every tiny thing you do be done out of acknowledgement and honor of Christ’s grace working in you, even if only God sees you. Start there.

God will give you the opportunity to preach the Gospel in greater situations and with greater means when He determines the time is right.

Your purpose is always to preach the Gospel, so do not worry… but that preaching must become a way of living first. That’s what makes it immediate.

Do not despair; there is always hope through Christ. He is the point.🙏❤


“Let us not only take care to defend ourselves from the contagion of evil but also to promote the good, sustain it, give witness to it, defend it, and multiply it. We must take responsibility for the fact that the world is suffering from evil stemming from our lukewarmness.”

— Pope John XXIII
 

We are the carriers of Christ’s Light. It is absolutely our responsibility to shine it in the face of evil, for ourselves and for all others.
Defend it, promote it, sustain it, witness it, multiply it. Remember this.


That's the excitement in obedience: finding out later what God had in mind.

Living life with faithful obedience-- doing what God calls us to do even if we don’t understand the details at the moment-- is such a joyful, liberating, exciting experience. When we surrender to God’s will with love, every moment becomes a genuine gift. You never know what He has in mind until you open the present, as it were.

 


"If we were asked how wise we were, most of us wouldn't know exactly how to answer. We talk a lot about intelligence, but not very much about wisdom, so we don't always know what wisdom looks like.
Solomon gives one sign that helps us recognize wisdom in our own life and the lives of others when he writes of wisdom: "Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace" (Proverbs 3:17).
Nobody's life is always and only pleasant. No one walks exclusively on paths of peace. Not even our Lord, Jesus Christ, experienced such a life, and He was the wisest man Who ever lived.
But there still can be great insight gained by asking the question "Do my decisions, attitudes, words, and lifestyle create peace or discord?" How we answer might suggest something about our current state of wisdom-- and how we may become wiser with God's help.
Lord, give me the gift of wisdom that I may walk in paths of peace. Amen."


-Thomas Nelson

True peace is grounded in obedient faith, and resides in the heart. True, our outer circumstances might still be tumultuous, but how are we affecting them? Are our choices serving God, no matter how discordant my environment may be? Is my way of life honoring God? Are my thoughts resting on Him? Is my attitude befitting a child of God? Indeed, herein lies wisdom-- even when we may not have any solid answers, even when we are helpless and confused, or even when we cannot see any hope of external peace... we can still be wise, and so still experience and create true peace, if we simply turn to God in all things. Choose to serve Him in any and every way you can, in any moment, even if all you can do is pray, or be patient, or be humble. We can always serve God. And if we do, then we are both being wise and walking in the most pleasant ways, for God is joy and hope itself, even on the road to Calvary.

 



"God's provision for communion with Him through prayer says a lot about His character. He sought us and established this divine channel of prayer. He listens for our cry as a mother listens for her young.
He knows my voice and attends to my cries. Such is my God: a God of loving initiative Who seeks me, a God of great sensitivity Who listens for me, a God of intimacy who knows me, and a God of grace Who attends to my needs.
God's plan for marriage is to bring together a husband and wife in order that they might become "one flesh"-- spirit, soul, and body. Spiritual oneness through mutual prayer is part of God's plan.
It's not surprising that the world's order for marriage is exactly the opposite: "Let's be physically intimate, then see if friendship develops. If later it seems important, we will explore our spiritual life." Many couples carry the pain of these misplaced priorities for decades, unaware that God has made provision to restore His priorities. Critical to this restoration process is tapping into the power and potential of prayer.
Thanks, Lord, for the special privilege of sharing together in prayer!
Prayer should play a vital part in the life of married believers. It's important to pray and entreat God's attention and favor for your spouse. Prayers of thanksgiving can draw a couple together in closeness. Prayers for the children help a couple be of one mind when it comes to rearing their kids. Requesting prayer as one spouse leaves for the office in the morning gives the couple the opportunity to be like-minded during the day.
God is willing to give ear to our prayers, both those said individually and those offered as a couple. We should make sure we take the time to enjoy this wonderful privilege.
At what times of the day and under what circumstances will you and your spouse share together in prayer?"


- David & Teresa Ferguson


This is what marriage is about and for. This is why the church stands firmly against the modern secular ideas of marriage, which eschew prayer and religious priority, instead focusing on sexuality and desire. Christian marriage is about family– about being part of God’s adopted family in Christ, and in raising children within that same truth, teaching them through God’s word to be good abd faithful members of the human family as well, both at home and in the world. Secular “marriage” frequently rejects this anchor of family, not only rejecting the idea of parenthood, and therefore of raising and/or bearing children, but also rejecting the call to be a child of God, instead choosing to serve their own interests and opinions, seeking self-idolatry through sensuality and carefree living.

God is our Parent, a loving Father who Mothers us as well. If we reject this truth, we cannot truly live as His Children… and then how could we ever raise children ourselves, let alone be parents, if we do not have that divine Example to follow?

And how could we ever truly have a unitive loving relationship with a spouse, if we do not first seek loving unity with God, who loves us more than any human ever can? How could we ever truly communicate with our spouse, if we do not communicate with God in prayer?

Marriage is a sacrament, a holy event of our faith, and it must always be recognized and honored as such, or else it will collapse, as all things will if they are chopped off at the very root.


 




prismaticbleed: (aflame)


"daria" doll giveaway? radio announcement. actually coraline. producers had found a "prototype head with camera" that they had originally lost, were giving it away. weirdly we had the original on our porch? buried in ashes mom had downstairs? big tube, next to chimney, leading down into charred pit. scary. torso w/legs, and arms separate, two different bodies there. ceramic, burnt, purplish at edges? falling apart. said some things, like a talking doll. mom said she had tried to sell it on ebay but didn't get anything; I said you had to advertise it the correct way; this was worth a lot of money.

Demon man on porch? me and chris (as a child). man trying to kill us; wouldn't die though. terrifying. eventually had to cut him up and burn the pieces to keep him dead. me doing so as usps guy came to door, covered bits with tarp, but guy didn't see me.

therapist calling on phone? talking to me like a friend. went to movies but forgot to hang up.
raining outside? and something with mike & blase having a birthday celebration in our kitchen? I remember mom was there, organizing music cds or something. but all she gave to mike and blase as gifts were big cardboard boxes full of bananas and oranges and other fruits. I remember everything was left as a mess on the kitchen floor so I went about organizing things and putting the boxes and fruit properly in their rooms. mike was playing some sort of starcraft-y game when I did so? I clearly feel like I saw something that reminded me of the protoss.

then organizing some sort of parade; was it christmas themed?
at old elementary school, in the half that was torn down-- me in a dressing room behind the double doors, getting into this beautiful wedding-dress-like gown, with a veil and flowing trail and open back and all. slightly tinted a pearlescent aqua. but guess who was there with me.
LAURIE.
oh my gosh she was. and she was getting into a dress too-- all gorgeous hard-light violet, and gunmetal grey, with shocks of blood red. and she was wearing HEELS. someone laughed and said they didn't expect her to be wearing heels when her normal footwear was "stomping boots" but she said that, somehow, they were related? as in they both required great skill and control to walk in. not only that but since she was "not actually a girl" her top looked more like a suit from the front? like it was half suit half dress. so fitting.
AND THEN EVERYONE ELSE WAS THERE
ryou and marik, genesis, chaos, and lynne showed up too!!!! laurie said we should all wear dresses "because everyone looks beautiful in a dress" but I expressed concern over gender roles and she acquiesced. ryou and marik wore complimentary suits-- ryou in white with blue pinstripes, and marik in black with purple pinstripes. it was adorable. lynne wore a DEEP VERMILION dress that was based of a violin?? I only saw it as she was walking out with Laurie, and oddly, Lynne looked like my old classmate Lauren at the time, until I recognized her and her face changed. but that was notable.
I was with her, but stopped when I realized I wasn't wearing a head veil, like a bride. I asked if I should go back and get it, as I wanted to, and chaos zero insisted yes, go get it! so I went back to do so.
now either before or after this, I don't recall, but laurie and I were in the dressing room, and I noticed her dress had an open back too, in the shape of a heart between her shoulders, and there was a big diamond-shaped scar there? I think I asked her where she got it, and I don't think she answered directly. but she said she'd "never hide it."
she turned around and looked at me with heartaching love and I told her "thank you for protecting me," pressing my hand to her heart. but she immediately took my hand and lowered it to rest instead right beneath her sternum, where I felt the other side of that big scar. her expression hardened and broke at once, and she said "I will always protect you, no matter what." I think she also corrected me somehow verbally, as I think I said something else concerning her scars, but perhaps that action had been so powerful I thought it was in words.
but. she has NEVER had that scar before. ever. and I know why. she killed herself after north carolina, and THAT WAS HOW. she ran herself through with her axe, and since the system was dead, she didn't resurrect. I haven't seen her since last october. and here she was. thank god.
but. after she said this, and I looked at her, I just reached out and took her face and kissed her. my memory was still corrupted by north carolina but she kissed me back as she always does-- solid and honorably, with nothing "romantic." like a knight. it felt like a swearing that she was still my protector, forever and always, and no matter what, she and I would always be bound by that love and devotion. it meant the entire world.

anyway it gets even better. now we were all getting dressed up for some sort of procession but it was CHRISTMAS themed?? and it was based in our attic, which, as always in good dreams, is HUGE. and this time it was full of people dressed as christmas elves, moving things about and unpacking and decorating. turns out mom built an ENTIRE santa's workshop up there, which on the other side, opened up into an easter workshop that was still somewhat snow-themed because of spring. it was awesome. I remember talking to the "head elf" about that, who was somewhat heavyset and had reddish curly hair; looked like he was only a little older than me.
but then I went and waited at the bottom of the stairs, where some black guy like kanye west trying to flirt with me, felt shifty. but I knew I'd be safe because laurie was in the parade, haha. no funny business with her around.
so the parade started, with lots of folks I didn't know at first, and a lot of rockettes-like girls all christmasy-themed, and THEN laurie and lynne and ryou and marik showed up. laurie was, dead serious, carrying her axe across her shoulders, horizontally. she grinned at me as she walked by, and the black dude who had been trying to flirt with me flinched, it was kind of hilarious. also I think every one of my "system mates" who saw me said something to me, and I think every one said something along the lines of "I love you." which was deeply moving.
but EVEN BETTER was the fact that after laurie, who shows up in spotlight at the top of the stairs-- huge fan covering their face-- but GENESIS. he was dressed in THE MOST ELABORATE DRESS like a showqueen. and he did this exaggerated elegant catwalk down the stairs, all decked in gold and jewelry, and wearing MASSIVE STILETTO HEELS. when he got to me, he hesitated briefly, wanting to say he loved me too but obviously trying so hard to fit this ridiculous persona that he wasn't sure how. he held back a laugh and said in a put-on haughty voice, "after the parade, you can lick my boots." I laughed, seeing how gaudy and glittery they were, and said "why, are they edible?" and his eyes lit up like they used to when he was young and he said "oh, of course! this whole outfit is edible! I can't wait until the parade is over." and he flounced away. but yes. not only was genesis dressed to the nines but he was WEARING CANDY. god bless him he's fantastic.
THEN CHAOS WAS IN A DRESS and it matched mine, it was all flowing and aqua and had tons of swooping chains of diamonds and things like he loves. but when he saw me he walked right over and he kissed me, I remember seeing in third person his arm covered in those elegant jewels, how fitting. It was wonderful.
unfortunately I began to wake up around here? but I remember that at the bottom of the stairs, all of a sudden I was in danger? there was some sort of alarm. and laurie IMMEDIATELY swung her axe down and RAN into action with everyone else.

I woke up around 7am and-- after making the bed & going to wash the dishes in the kitchen-- immediately wrote this down. thank you god. this is the first good dream I've had in months, and what a good dream it was.
life is looking up.


081419

Aug. 14th, 2019 02:32 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

Mom always promised me things that she never delivered. Perhaps she never intended to. Perhaps she was just going through the motions, offering us things that children were supposed to want, treating it as ritual, not reality.

I don't hold it against her.

...

She did not dash my hopes, nor did she disappoint me. She taught me how to dream.

(Problem: telling me about her her house dream: If its met, "what will she dream of now?" so she PUTS IT OFF just so she can keep dreaming of SOMETHING)
prismaticbleed: (angel)

Begin to know Him now, and finish never.
-Oswald Chambers

God is infinite; we can never fully know Him, for there is always more to know, more to discover, more to honor and adore… and for someone in Love, that fact is blissful.

 

foreverheloves: Pray, then let it go. Don’t try and manipulate or force the outcome. Just trust God to open the right doors at the right time.

kings–kid: So many times we say we have forgiving but never truly have let go. But until we learning how to forgive and let GOD,we will never be healed from our wounds.

If you’re scared of the outcome, and are afraid to trust God, please tell Him so. Talk to Him about it. Confess your doubt and fear, explain the turmoil in your heart and head, and pray for the grace to let go and let God do His work. Then loosen your grip a little. God is listening, and He will help, but we must meet Him at the door and cooperate with His grace!

Keep praying as often & long as you need to. Prayer is very powerful. And the more we turn to God, the easier it is to trust Him.


There’s a reason I am not writing the story and God is.
He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means.
I don’t.
– Ann Voskamp

It is scary to your ego to surrender everything to God, especially control. To know and admit that you don’t know everything, cannot know everything, and probably are mistaken or quite shortsighted in much of what you do know… to confess that compared to God we know nothing at all, takes immense humility and trust and faith in God. The only way to do this is to love God enough to gratefully surrender the steering wheel of life to Him… only then can we sit back and enjoy the ride in joy, no matter how stormy the weather or how bumpy the road.

 

“Don’t compare yourself to others who call themselves Christians. Compare yourself to Scripture.”
— Paul Washer

alistairradley: Too many times we look to other people how to live our lives instead of focusing on Christ.

Our eyes must be on Christ alone. Our fellow Christians are also fellow sinners, imperfect and striving to live more fully by God’s Grace. They can inspire or warn. Either way, they are not our role models. Christ is. Read His Word and put it into practice with obedient love. Let that be the measure of your conduct… not proud & fearful comparison.


Faith means that you have peace even when you don't have all the answers.

We don’t need all the answers, nor should we have them. We’re fallible, forgetful, foolish mortals– such knowledge is too great for us. But God knows all, and He knows what He’s doing, and what He’s doing is infinitely Good. All we have to do is surrender to that in childlike faith. The blessing of peace that follows is incomparable.


jspark3000:

Some days I pray, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Other days it’s, “Lord, please slap me upside the head, for I am an idiot.”

Forever relevant.

They’re both perfectly valid and important prayers, too– humbly recognizing and admitting our sinfulness openly to God.
 

anchorsandjesus: “If you don’t think Jesus can fill that emptiness, you’re wrong. And He will.”
— something I’m learning

But first you must admit that you are empty without Him. Jesus cannot fill a soul that insists it has no room, or that it is full enough. We must be humble and trusting enough to surrender it all– to confess that ultimately, in this world, we have nothing, and want nothing of it… only then will we truly gain everything in Christ.

Don’t be afraid of letting go of fleeting desires and empty pleasures. Christ is infinitely better; He is worth more than it all, He is more beautiful than it all, and He will fill you with endless joy.

 


 

khadlja: pray a lot!! pray for everything, even/especially if it seems silly or impossible or ridiculous and you can barely voice it. pray for the little things and the big things and everything in between. keep that connection between you and God open all day, every day. pray and then watch how tiny miracles fill your life. 

nia-confesses-to-the-internet: There are times it seems hard, seems pointless. God going to do what he’s gonna do. But he says to pray, so pray for faith, pray that you’ll see the point.

Prayer is also more than asking for blessings. Prayer is gratitude and praise and awe and honor and worship. Prayer is the spontaneous song of the soul to its Creator. Prayer is an outpouring of Love, of trust, of hope, of faith and surrender. Prayer is conversation, prayer is listening… prayer is sharing, prayer is opening to receive. Prayer is our quickest line of connection to God. Prayer is necessary for Life.

So yes… pray a lot! Make every step, every breath, every word and every deed into a prayer– an act of worship to our Heavenly Father. Like a little child, learn to trust Him with everything– don’t ever be afraid to share something with Him. He loves you, and He is listening. Think of it in techno terms: keep the chat window open. Don’t hang up the phone. Live like God and you are in a state of perpetual interaction– because you are!

And lastly, don’t forget this on the bad days, and in the hard times. That is when you need prayer the most. That is when you need s friend and a loving voice the most… and you have one, the best one, in God. He is there. Turn to Him.


“If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.”

Proverbs‬ ‭15:32‬ ‭

Listen to & obey wise instruction and amend your ways, no matter how much the discipline may sting or humiliate you. This correction is good for your soul, but your sinful flesh will reject it! Be aware of this battle, pray for the grace to submit to the helpful teaching, and you will grow in holiness.
 

Proverbs 15:16 (NLT) -
Better to have little, with fear for the LORD,
   than to have great treasure and inner turmoil.

Great treasure is often obtained by dishonest and/or selfish, greedy means. This will only bring turmoil to our hearts and distress our conscience. Better to lovingly trust in God to provide– for He will– then torment ourselves by faithlessly grasping for more.

God will provide for all we need. If we have little, trust in Him and rejoice in His unfailing love nevertheless. To be ungrateful and greedy, entitled and complaining, seeking more than God has given in His good judgment… this only leads to sorrow and disaster.

“He fills the hungry with good things, but the rich he sends empty away ”!
 

 

You need great discrimination in order to distinguish between good and evil. So do not readily or lightly put your trust in appearances, but weigh things well, and after testing everything carefully cleave to what is good and reject what is evil (1 Thes. 5:21-2). You must test and discriminate before you give credence to anything. You must also be aware that the effects of grace are self-evident, and that even if the devil does transform himself he cannot produce these effects: he cannot induce you to be gentle, or forbearing, or humble, or joyful, or serene, or stable in your thoughts; he cannot make you hate what is worldly, or cut off sensual indulgence and the working of the passions, as grace does.
-St Gregory of Sinai

 

This is a game-changing realization. The devil cannot produce or induce virtue– he cannot ever cause the effects of grace! No matter how he may try to justify his lies, or falsely sell his sinfulness as righteousness, his works will ALWAYS cause a malignant end. Sin will never coexist with grace.

Be discerning in this way! Be vigilant!

 
 

delightfullyloved: even when it hurts, i will praise You. even when it hurts, i will turn to You. even when it hurts, i will hope in You. even when it hurts, i will wait. i will wait. i will wait. i will wait and believe.

And when He calls you to obey, even if it hurts more, obey. Remember Christ on the Cross. Even if the pain leads to death, literal or metaphorical, if you enter that death with Christ, you will enter resurrection with Him, too.


 

Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you.
-Elisabeth Elliot

 

 

Feelings can lie, feelings can fade, feelings can be confused and numbed and fabricated. But love isn’t a feeling. Love is a Truth, Love is a Way, Love is a PERSON… Love is God, all-powerful and all-knowing, rich in mercy and patience, unfailingly just and righteous. God, Love Himself, never lies, fades, confuses, chills, or manipulates, for those things are unloving. God is honest, constant, true, compassionate, and guiding, a dear Father to all His children.

God knows you, even when you forget who you are.

God is there, even when the world has abandoned you.

God loves you, always. God waits for you, always. His heart and His arms are open. Even if you feel scraped out and empty, He is overflowing with grace.

Go to Him!


 

Consider Saint Francis.
He saw sinful clergymen and corruption in the Church.
Francis tries to reform it. He doesn't start a new church.
He first reforms himself.
Francis is a saint.
Be like Francis!

If there is any sin and corruption in the Church, I assure you it began in the hearts of its members first.

We are all still sinners, although we are called to be holy as members of the Church. It does not happen automatically, nor does anyone get a ‘free pass’ for persisting in sin after becoming part of the community of faith– indeed, to do so is scandal, a terrible sin! God is merciful but He is also just, and if you abuse His His long-suffering with you, He will let you suffocate yourself in iniquity. But this is secondary. The first thing is to obey, and to strive to be holy through living in Love through Grace. This is what Saint Francis knew, and what we must also practice.

In every case, if we want to prevent corruption in the Church, we must begin by reforming our hearts through the grace of God.

We cannot change anyone else, and we have no right or ability to– that is God’s job. All we are called to do is love, pray, serve, sacrifice, warn, help, and counsel… to be examples of Christ as Christians. If we do this, all else will follow rightly.

 

Once you've tasted how good God is, how could we ever depart from Him? I can't depart from Him like I have in the past. I won't leave Him; I will cling to Him forever!

May God constantly remind our hearts of His sufficiency, His goodness, and His deliverance… through constantly reminding us of the emptiness, dishonesty, and tribulation of the world and its fleeting desires.

 

 

His love and long-suffering isn’t passivity; it’s opportunity.

Remember this, too, when you are tempted to impatience with others! God is mercifully patient with our sins so that we can learn humility and contrition, and repent. He loves us enough to give us this graciously undeserved opportunity. So we must love others the same way, for God loves them so graciously too! Remember the parable of the unforgiving servant. Be merciful as your Father and Lord is merciful. Love one another.

 


“Talk to GOD more than you talk about Him.”

We can’t talk truthfully about Him if we don’t know Him. And you only get to know someone– God included!– through spending genuine time with them, being with them and talking to them.


“We best defend the Lord’s glory by speaking first TO Him about unbelieving men rather than speaking first ABOUT Him to unbelieving men.”

— Sinclair B. Ferguson

Always turn to the Lord in humble prayer first! It’s not about us or our reputation… it’s about Him– His Truth and His Glory. Then, when you speak of the Lord to those who do not believe, you will have the grace to speak in genuine love, for their soul’s sake, and for God’s sake… not for yourself. We’re the messengers, not the Message!
 
 

“Sometimes we don’t want to know God’s will because of the sneaking suspicion that it’s not what we’ve planned.”

- Sr. Bethany Madonna

This is why humility is VITAL to faith! Without it, we stay stuck in fear and fallen nature. We must surrender our hearts to His Love, no matter how hard it may oppose our worldly plans… indeed, we should be moved to courageous submission because of that very holy opposition. “Thy will be done” at all costs!

 

“There are those who seek knowledge for the sake of knowledge; that is Curiosity. There are those who seek knowledge to be known by others; that is Vanity. There are those who seek knowledge in order to serve; that is Love.”

— Saint Bernard of Clairvaux

Without Love, all is in vain, even curiosity– for seeking knowledge for its own sake is still ultimately serving yourself. Unless we take that knowledge and use it for serving God and others, internally and externally, then it is essentially useless. Let all that you do be done in love!
 

Theirs is an endless road, a hopeless maze, who seek for goods before they seek for God. 

St Bernard of Clairvaux

A simple but staggering truth. Christ is The Way– the ONLY Way. Every other path is doomed to a dead end.

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and God shall provide for you all that you need. Seek the world before God, and you will inevitably end up bereft and lost.
 

 

“Many of the people who look forward to a long life put off doing good works, since they think that they will have plenty of time before they die. As for me, I prefer to be among those who consider that they have no time to lose if they wish to give God all the glory that they can before they die.” ~St. Margaret of Hungary

 

No human is ever guaranteed tomorrow. Every new day is a gift from God. This alone should motivate us to use our time wisely and faithfully. But Saint Margaret deepens this motive with love– she wants to give God as much glory as possible before she dies, whether she lives for five more minutes or fifty more years. Thinking this way, why would anyone postpone doing good? The only reason to delay virtuous work is selfishness. Putting off a kind word or helpful deed until tomorrow just betrays the hidden fact that you really don’t consider it important enough to do now… or that you truly don’t want to do it at all. If we do this, then our hearts are not in order! Dear Saint Margaret, pray for us fellow Christians, that we may be filled with zeal for Christ and His people, and so do as much sincere and loving good as we possibly can with every moment we are given! Whether our lives are long short, may they be lived as a testament to our faith, so that even in our passing our memory wil give glory to God

 

“Dear Christians, the way we love our neighbor carries a lot more weight than how much scripture we can quote.”

Anyone can quote Scripture, but it takes a true Christian to live Scripture. Faith without works is dead, and words without actions are hollow. Let us glorify God by showing His love alive and at work in us!

 

 

livin4themosthigh: God has perfect timing. God is not in a hurry. You are. That’s exactly why you are tired. That’s why you are anxious, stressed, and disappointed. Trust in God’s perfect timing. Trust that what was meant to be yours, will be yours.

And what is not meant for you, will never happen. So when you wait on God, wait without expectations. Wait with only one desire– that His will be done. God may make you wait for years, and He may ultimately give you something you never expected. Yet His timing and His giving and His withholding are all perfect.

Surrender into that. Rest in that. Trust in that. God will sustain you in faith, hope, and love no matter what.


“The highest point of philosophy is to be both wise and simple; this is the angelic life.”

— St. John Chrysostom

Humanity, in its pride, tends to overcomplicate things. Complexity does not indicate wisdom. Indeed, genuine wisdom is pure and simple, understood by children, grasped by the most humble hearts. Angels exist to glorify God… in this sole cause is all wisdom found.
 

[breathe.]
there is no mountain God can't move.

If He wills it, it will happen. If He wills not, then it won't.
Have faith and trust in Him no matter what.
 

 

Let me alone, sheltered in my cell.

 

Let me be with God, who alone is good.

Why should I move out of my cell?

Back to that which I left?

Let me be.

I want to cry and mourn over the days and nights I have wasted.

- St. Symeon the New Theologian
 

 

I’m feeling this same heartache so hard today.

God is all I want. God is all I need. God have mercy on me for not realizing or living this truth sooner. God keep me close to your heart and never let me stray back to that old life, that broken world.

Let me be with the One who Is.


God has the ability to string natural events to fulfill His purpose.

Pastor Paolo Punzalan, Grace Changes Everything

He’s in charge of all things, remember. Sometimes we can forget this, which is dumbfounding– every snowflake, earthquake, hailstorm, rainstorm, thundercloud and waterspout is wrought by His Hand. Each tornado, volcano, drought and fire obeys the command of His Voice. And yet, we might still forget that these truly-named “acts of God” are indeed just that! So we worry and panic and fear, powerless and small as we are, without resting in the power and greatness of God, who has not forgotten us in the forecast. When we realize this– that everything we experience is happening in God’s sight, and by His direction or allowance, it becomes much easier to surrender in faithful trust, and to endure in hopeful courage, because even if we don’t understand, we know that He is Good, and so we can humbly acquiesce to His Will… even if our hands are shaking. We can still fold them in prayer, after all.

 

goandannouce:

Reverence, indicated by Communion on the tongue, means, in turn, that Communion is not of “ordinary bread and wine, “but rather the Body and Blood of the Lord.

 It is recorded that one of the greatest worries of the pope was that, with the introduction of the practice *, the Eucharist would end up being compared to ordinary bread or to simply blessed bread.  … 

This danger does not exists with Communion on the tongue.

*of Communion in the hand

Most Rev. Juan Rodolfo Laise, Communion in the hand, Documents and History

My parish priest once said that recieving Communion on the tongue was also a beautiful symbol of its utter distinction from normal “eating,” because there are only three other times any human will receive their food on the tongue, without touching it themselves, with perfect surrender…

1. When we are infants, and are fed by our loving mothers,

2. When we are elderly, and are fed by our loving caretakers,

3. When we are in love, and are fed by our lovers. Just think of the wedding cake!

And consider that sweet simple trust in all of these: “here, try this, it’s delicious”… “here, eat this, it’s healthy for you”… “here, have some, it’ll give you strength”… in every case, we trust the other person completely. Food is what we need for our bodies to survive in this world. If what we eat is harmful or unhealthy, it will hurt our bodies. In extreme scenarios, such as in diseases and allergies, eating the wrong thing can kill us! So normally we carefully discern this for ourselves. But, when we let someone else feed us, we are implicitly trusting them with our life. This absolute surrender is often completely unrealized, so great is our faith in their goodness towards us… so great is our love for them.

And that’s the Eucharist. Just look at that picture– look at the intimacy, the adoration, the absolute trust visible between Christ and His dear Child! And so it is at every Mass: the priest– Christ’s representative– feeds us as a mother feeds as a child, as a child feeds a mother, as a spouse feeds a spouse. We trust, love, and surrender entirely, gratefully recieving this food for our precious souls… and when we realize that Christ is feeding us with His own body in the Eucharist, then the love deepens even more– for now He feeds us as only a mother can on earth, by literally offering us His flesh and blood as our only source of sustenance, so helpless we are, and so completely dependent on Him to live!

Recieving the Eucharist by hand completely misses all of this. Then it just becomes a gift– an utterly priceless gift, true, but one which we are showing no special reverence to. Some people take and eat potato chips with more zeal and anticipation than they do the Host, and that is a very subtle form of blasphemy. When we truly realize what is occurring in Holy Communion, we cannot help but fall to our knees, and receive Him with loving trust!

 

goandannouce:

 The Christian veneration of images is not contrary to the first commandment which proscribes idols. Indeed, “the honor rendered to an image passes to its prototype,” and “whoever venerates an image venerates the person portrayed in it.”The honor paid to sacred images is a “respectful veneration,” not the adoration due to God alone:

Religious worship is not directed to images in themselves, considered as mere things, but under their distinctive aspect as images leading us on to God incarnate. the movement toward the image does not terminate in it as image, but tends toward that whose image it is.

I’m not sure what article may have been quoting this, but it’s in the Catechism!

This is a vital distinction! The images and sculptures are “bridges” to those portrayed; since we cannot show literal veneration to God– except in Eucharistic Exposition, blessedly– we venerate images of Jesus Christ to show our love for Him, in this physical world, in our physical bodies. We know He isn’t literally the statue or picture. But we also know that images are important, and symbols of greater truths and realities, and so entirely valid of respect. You wouldn’t rip up a photograph of your earthly beloved, and you know that they aren’t literally embodied in the photo, yet you might still carry it with you in fondness, and kiss it in sudden outpourings of love, when they are not physically nearby. Our veneration of holy images is the same.

Related, this is basically the difference between our veneration of images of Christ– God Incarnate– and images of angels & saints, notably His Blessed Mother. We still love them and honor them as our literal friends and family in Christ, but we know they aren’t God. They just love Him too, in ways courageous and humble and beautiful enough for us to look up to them in hopeful inspiration, asking them to pray for us, that we may imitate their love in their humanity all the more. In honoring their images, we show our love for them as we do to all the people close to our hearts, and we show our love for God through our recognition of their love of Him and devotion to Him.

There is this truly sweet and moving hierarchy of “cascading love” from God to His Son to His Spirit, all the way down to us, through steps upon blessed steps of His children. Honoring the saints is a very intimate way of recognizing this, and our place in it.

 

Imagine Jesus crucified in your arms and on your chest, and say a hundred times as you kiss His chest, “This is my hope, the living source of my happiness; this is the heart of my soul; nothing will ever separate me from His love.”

 

-Saint Padre Pio
 

Every single time I read this, I break down in tears.

Dearest Jesus, my Lord and my God, inscribe this prayer into the very atoms of my own heart. May I reflect on Your love and Your sacrifice, both unfathomable in their greatness, and may I honor and comfort You with every breath. Jesus, I have no hope but You. I have no happiness apart from You, no joy outside of You. May I love you with everything I am. You are the heart of my soul. You are the heart of my soul. You are everything I have, You are everything I could ever need, You are the only thing I will ever want. Nothing can ever separate us; I consecrate myself to you forever. Your love has been proven forever on the Cross– may I prove mine to You by joining You there, here, in my heart nailed to Yours. I love you.

 

"Jesus hath many lovers of His Heavenly Kingdom, but few bearers of His Cross."
-Thomas à Kempis

And yet, there is no way to heaven outside of the Cross. Jesus is the Way, and that is the Way He walked, in all humble obedience to His Father, and in all love for His Father’s people. If we hope to share in His resurrection, if we hope to follow Him to heaven, then we must follow in His footsteps… and that means walking the road of Calvary with Him, with the same humble obedience and love.

 


"If you find yourself with a cross, you find yourself with Jesus."
-Fr. Mike Schmitz

This alone should move us to accept all our crosses with unshakable joy.


"When you are obedient I take away your weakness and replace it with My Strength. I am very surprised that souls do not want to make that exchange with Me."
-Jesus, to Saint Faustina

I think many of us poor souls don’t have enough faith in this truth! We doubt– “but I’m too weak,” or “will He really help me do this?” Pride and fear stifle the obedient surrender to His Grace that allows His strength to flow through us.

Dear Lord, increase our faith, so that we may take great leaps of it in joyful service to you!
 

christusvincit:

I have never found greater peace, deeper joy, or the true presence of Almighty God so much as in the times I have spent alone with Him in a silent church, especially before the exposed Blessed Sacrament.

God is Literally Present with us in Eucharistic Exposition. To be able to even exist in the same room as Him is a staggering honor and privilege that numberless souls before Christ’s coming could only dream of having. We have seen the face of God and lived. And why? Because He loves us so much that He WANTS to be with us, here on earth, even now, and chooses to be with us, as ineffably humble and fragile and powerful and glorious as in that tiny white Host. He gives us all the opportunity to “stay with Him one hour,” to comfort and console Him, to love Him in return, to experience His peace and joy in a world wracked by sin.

Pray. Visit the Lord and pray, with all your heart, in sorrow and pain and joy and gratitude and everything else. Pray to Him, for He waits for you, and He is listening to you, and He loves you.

 

“God can use you to do great things if you believe more in his love than in your own weakness.”

— Mother Teresa of Calcutta (via burning-lampstand)

Focusing on our weaknesses and inability is a subtle form of pride– it says, “why try, if I might fail or look foolish or be laughed at?” Pride looks for excuses not to do God’s work, if that work can’t be done by human power, or without human glory. But God doesn’t factor those things into the equation at all! God looks at our weak spots and says, “that’s what I’m going to use in you, to bring glory to My divine power.” And it’s scary to obey that at first, with pride still shouting in self-preservation. But if we humbly surrender– “Thy will be done”– and rely on faith in His strength to achieve what we cannot, then He will achieve it. God is not in this for pride or fame or accolades. God wants to glorify Himself because He alone is worthy of glory– because He IS Love and Truth and Justice and Mercy.

God can and will use you as an instrument of love if you respond to His call in love. Surrender joyfully to His direction, and watch Him do great things in the world around you. It’s like being a literal musical instrument, a violin perhaps, unable to make any music on its own. You may be afraid to be used, as you may not think you are well-made, or because all other musicians who played you were poor in talent… but God is THE virtuoso, and He WILL bring beautiful melodies out of you; music that can move hearts and touch souls and change lives. The praise is not for the violin, but the violinist. Yet what an honor and privilege it is to be such an intimate part of His plan!

Fear not; we’re all here for God’s purposes, and He will strengthen us to achieve them if we trust in Him. His power is made perfect in our weaknesses, and against all odds. Rest in the peace of His sovereignty.

 

“Lord, take me from myself and give me to Yourself.”

— St. Catherine of Siena (via faustinarockandroll)

The imagery of this is deeply striking; to “take” oneself from the self, which selfishly clings and hoards, and “give” oneself to God, as lovingly and selflessly as a Christmas present. It’s an admission of one’s fallen nature, one’s helplessness to change without grace, one’s daily struggle with sin… and it’s an admission of the omnipotence of God, the worthiness of God over the world in claiming us, and the gentle love of God in effectively saving us from ourselves to deliver us into compassion.

It’s a beautiful, powerful little prayer, and we should all pray it in our own lives, as often as we stumble.
 

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says in the end, “Thy will be done.””

— C S Lewis (via gloryfromdust)

This is a terribly succinct warning. We all must remember this in every decision, every single moment.

 

eternal-echoes:

Holiness should be the goal, not happiness.

Genuine happiness is only found in holiness, which seems ironic in the eyes of the world, but which is the most self-evident truth to he eyes of faith. And Christian happiness is more than just happiness– it is unshakable joy!

Psalm 100 expresses the heart of holy happiness briefly and well: “Earth, sing to the Lord! Be happy as you serve the Lord! Come before him with happy songs! Know that the Lord is God. He made us, and we belong to him. We are his people, the sheep he takes care of. Come through the gates to his Temple giving thanks to him. Enter his courtyards with songs of praise. Honor him and bless his name. The Lord is good! There is no end to his faithful love. We can trust him forever and ever!” (Psalm 100:1‭-‬5 ERV)

This Christian happiness is also completely subversive to the ways of the world. It is anchored in Christ, and so it is untouched by external circumstances– and in fact flourishes in difficult times, whereas worldly ‘happiness’ crumbles in the face of hardship and discomfort. Saint Paul illustrates this most beautifully: “God showed me so many things that were very great and special. But he did not want me to start thinking, as a result, that I myself was too great or special. So, he let me have something sharp and painful in my body, to stop me from thinking like that. This painful thing is an angel from Satan, that he sent to hurt me. But he said to me: ‘I myself will help you and I will make you strong. I am everything that you need. When you are weak, then I will be powerful in you. Then I will show more completely how powerful I myself am.’ So, I am very happy to speak about how weak I am. When I am weak, then Christ’s power stays over me. That is why I am very happy to be weak. I am happy when people say bad things about me. Sometimes I do not have things that I need. But I am happy then too. I am happy when people cause trouble and pain for me. I am happy when I am in difficulties. I am happy about these things because of Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:7‭, ‬9‭-‬10 EASY)

Holiness is achieved by striving to obey the will of God and become more and more like Christ. As we do so, our happiness and joy increases accordingly. Yes, true happiness is to be found in serving God alone, for He alone is Good, Worthy, and Everlasting. Rejoice in what a blessed privilege it is to be called His People– the very sheep of His beloved flock!

 

albertfinch:

The biggest problem in America – the American Church is telling people you can have God and have the world.  It is unbiblical and unscriptural.

“Do not love the world or anything that belongs to the world. If you love the world, you do not love the Father. Everything that belongs to the world — what the sinful self desires, what people see and want, and everything in this world that people are so proud of — none of this comes from the Father; it all comes from the world. The world and everything in it that people desire is passing away; but those who do the will of God live for ever.” (1 John 2:15‭-‬17 GNBDK)

Another unique translation that says it straight:

“Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.” (1 John 2:15‭-‬17 MSG)

 

albertfinch:

We are not here to gather people, we are here to see lives transformed – see people changed.  It’s not about accepting Christ.  It’s about surrendering to Christ. It’s about giving up everything you have.

The wording here is shocking, but it is true. You can easily “accept Christ” as a Savior, as a Redeemer, but He does not become your Savior and your Redeemer until you surrender your life to Him. Acceptance does not imply obedience. Acceptance is a mental action– surrender and transformation are heart actions. Acceptance is logic, surrender is love. “Gathering followers” is what you do on Tumblr, not in a church! The church’s goal is to build up the body of Christ, to call sinners to Him to be saved, to show the path to Heaven through the Son… and we cannot be part of His body, of His life, until we give Him ours. We cannot be saved if we don’t admit and understand our depravity and humble ourselves before Him. We cannot come to heaven without dying to hell, and that means dying to sin… dying to self. Again, accepting all these things as true does not mean doing them. They are two distinct things. Acceptance comes first, but without surrender following, our faith remains hollow.

Is your faith based on your acceptance of the Truth alone? Is that acceptance bearing fruit, and transforming your life? Have you truly surrendered all aspects of your life to Jesus, or are you holding on in fear, unwilling to give Him all that you have? When you say Jesus is your Savior, are you proving that by imitating Him in your actions? Or is that just something you say, but don’t truly testify to? Examine your heart today. Deepen your faith. Give everything to Christ. He’s waiting for you!

 

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own."
(1 Corinthians 6:19)

We need to be reminded of this daily.

God has sent His Spirit to us, to dwell in our hearts and guide us… and His Son, through the Eucharist, gives Himself to us in the same way, tangibly. And ultimately, every atom in our bodies is shaped by God, and belongs to Him, to be returned to Him when we die.

Everything about our body is holy. The only thing desecrating it is sin. Today, and always, we pray that, through our baptism into Christ, we will be washed ever the more clean by His Precious Blood, and so keep His earthly temples holy!


“You have to be humble to treasure the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Arrogant people do not go to confession.”

— Fr. Donald Calloway

I make it a point to make a thorough confession every weekend now, and it has gracefully gotten me into the habit of constant self-examination. It is, honestly, humiliating, and thank God for that. Going to regular confession made me realize just how much I was sinning– how many of my sins were repetitive, addictive, ingrained, unquestioned… now my heart is ever more rightly disposed to think through every action and thought, to be vigilant against temptation, and to be aware of my moral weak spots, because it knows that, every Saturday evening, I have to confess all of it. But it’s not a legal compulsion. Confession is humbling because it’s a sacrament of mercy and love. I go into that tiny chamber and I agonizedly admit ALL the evils I have been responsible for over the past week, aching with tearful remorse, and you know what happens next? God pardons me. Through His blessed Priest, He sends forgiveness like an ocean to wash away the stains of sin from my soul, so I can try again– better this time, wiser, humbled, more loving, more prayerful, more reliant on God instead of my sorry self. I strive to avoid sinning because I am utterly ashamed of it, yes, but why am I ashamed? Because sin hurts God and I love Him. Confession is flat-out admitting that I’ve been a terrible friend, that I’ve been a poor partner, that I’ve been a dishonourable child– to GOD, above all. And that love that I’ve failed to live up to is the absolute core of my contrition.

Confession requires humility, and humility requires love.

Go to confession. It will change your life.

 

“Make no mistake; God is not mocked, for a person will reap only what he sows.”

Galatians 6:7

I think about this constantly. It is an absolutely vital warning against hypocrisy, and the lethal danger of assuming God’s mercy.

Yes, God is merciful, but He is not a pushover. Ever. God demands holiness and righteousness. God hates sin and pride and lukewarmness. If we sow sin, whether through self-indulgence or unforgiveness or scandal or shirking responsibility, we WILL reap sin. God will not hand-wave it off because we’re allegedly “trying” yet know full well that we’re not trying hard enough. We can’t plant rotten, spoiled, half-eaten seeds and expect God to magically grant us a good harvest. No. We must do our part as Christians. We must HONOR GOD in our lives! Think about it– is your behavior currently testifying to the glory of God, or are you mocking Him by living like a sin-soaked citizen of this fallen world, and yet calling yourself Christian?

We will reap what we sow. In the end, only the wheat gets gathered up into the barn. Your very soul is at stake. Be diligent.

 


Effort is a reflection of interest.

How interested are you in your faith? Does it capture your attention more than the latest celebrity news? Does it occupy your thoughts more than your latest fandom? Does it claim your focus more than sex, food, travel, gossip, culture, and comedy? When you are bored and listless, do you pick up your phone or do you pray? Do you spend more time scrolling on Tumblr or studying Scripture? Do you put all your effort into faith, or fun?

 

If you were to die tomorrow, would the interests of today still interest you?

If your faith is lukewarm and stagnant, it’s a sign that your true attention is oriented elsewhere. Set your heart on heaven, not hedonism. We’re all guilty of worldliness in our own ways, and we’re all too aware that such fleeting pleasures never satisfy. It’s time to get our priorities in the proper order. Get interested in your soul, and get interested in your Savior. Everything else will follow.


“There is no prayer more agreeable to God, or more profitable to the soul, than that which is made during the thanksgiving after Communion”

- St. Alphonsus 

In those moments, we are truly praying in the name of the Lord, for He is literally within us at that time. Physically as well as spiritually. Do you realize how numinously profound that is? After receiving the Eucharist, we have the honorable opportunity to pray in union with Christ. That is huge. Just contemplating it makes my knees weak.

We are so, so blessed. Our gratitude must be equally limitless.

 

Sometimes we expect God to make some big, existential request.

But perhaps you are useful to him just by existing and trying your best to live out the Gospel.

–An email from Ascension Presents

As someone living with a disability, who frequently feels useless and helpless in this world… this is deeply reassuring, and deeply moving.

God values my life right where it’s at. He brought me to this place and position for a purpose. Maybe all He needs me to do right now is love Him where I’m at, with all the humility and sacrifice and dedication that entails. Nothing bigger, nothing smaller. Just existing for Him. That is enough.

Thank you for sharing this.

 

"It took many years for me to reach the depths of the abyss in which God found me. Why would I ever think it would take less time, less effort to climb His Holy Mountain?"
This is a profoundly humbling, hopeful truth. It’s a game-changer, really, on the path of holiness. We must be as patient as we are diligent.

 

 

ordopraedicatorum:

Let us detach ourselves from the earth by a profound piety.

I’ve been praying for this every day lately. Oh, that every moment of my life would be like that– focused entirely on my Lord!

God, increase our piety through love of You, so that we may be affixed to You alone!

 

The Lord greatly loves the repenting sinner and mercifully presses him to His bosom: “Where were you, My child? I was waiting a long time for you.” The Lord calls all to Himself with the voice of the Gospel, and his voice is heard in all the world: “Come to me, my sheep. I created you, and I love you. My love for you brought Me to earth, and I suffered all things for the sake of your salvation, and I want you all to know my love, and to say, like the apostles on Tabor: Lord, it is good for us to be with You.”

 

St. Silouan

 

This moves me to absolute tears. What love God has for us poor sinners! When we feel lost in sin, we must remember this. We are all prodigal children.

It is so, so Good to be with our Lord… and best of all, He wants us to be with Him. Go home to Him. He is waiting with open arms.

 

onevoiceunited:

there’s something beautiful that happens when God becomes your only option.

We are surrounded by a cacophany of sounds and signs and choices and options. So much to fill our minds to the point of overflowing. Yet what is it that is pouring into us and thus out of us? We feel that we have more options today than any day in history. And it is so. The truth, though, is that we have never needed more options. Our deception is in the desire for more. We have always needed just one. My God, how I have needed just one.

I am honestly moved to tears at this. It is absolute truth.

I have endured a great deal of loss in life. I have very little left in the world. But now, I see it was all by the loving mercy of God, for I never needed any of it– I needed Him. I need Him now; I will always need Him, and in Him, all my needs are met.

My God, You are the One I need. Just You. Only You.

…And I have You. By Your grace, by Your love, by Your Son, I have You… and oh, in that truth, You have me, too… and I neither desire nor need anything more, forever.

There is nothing more beautiful than that.
 

 

“The Eucharist is the Sacrament of Love; it signifies love, it produces love. The Eucharist is the consummation of the whole spiritual life.”

— St. Thomas Aquinas (via sic-deus-dilexit-mundum)

God is Love. God, as Christ Jesus, is truly Present in the Eucharist. In humbling Himself to become our bread, we see the depth and ardor of His Love… the Host itself is the living symbol of the ultimate Love of God, who sacrificed Himself to save sinners and then sought even further to dwell within their very bodies, making us holy and making us whole. This intimate union with Love Himself literally transforms us into that Love, through Him. Therefore we cannot help but grow in Love, as Love grows in us.

To receive our very Savior, so closely, so truly, so sincerely… how it moves the heart to tremble! Indeed, we cannot get any closer to heaven while on earth, than when we partake of the Eucharist!

You could write whole libraries full of exultations of the Eucharist and still never cease to have more to say. It is an eternal wellspring of gracious joy and gratitude and love. It is utterly wonderful. How blessed we are!!

 

“It is impossible for a person who prays regularly to remain in serious sin; because the two are incompatible, one or the other will have to be given up.”
-Saint Teresa of Avila
It’s like trying to pour two different liquids into a cup. The more we pray, the less room there is for sin… and vice versa. Eventually, we will become filled with one or the other, either vice or virtue, and that will spill out of our hearts into the world around us. The choice is ours, but either way, the cup will be filled.


onevoiceunited:

God please give me the grace to believe that You do forgive my past. That the guilt of my sin is washed away. Out of the darkness of my past you call me into Your light of today. Let my life be forgotten even as I have forgotten you. Be the life that I have forsaken, that Your love may pour out onto all that surround me.

Crucify me with you. This is the only path.

☝️Amen.

Forgive me, for I knew not what I did.

Correct me, so that I know what it is I have done.

Direct me, that I may do Your will alone.

You are the only Way, and you are the only Truth, and you must become my only Life. Crucify me with you, that I may die to everything else, and be reborn through Your merciful love.

 

“No earthly pleasures, no kingdoms of this world can benefit me in any way. I prefer death in Christ Jesus to power over the farthest limits of the earth. He who died in place of us is the one object of my quest. He who rose for our sakes is my one desire. Do not talk about Jesus Christ as long as you love this world.”

— St. Ignatius of Antioch (via confessionsofsomeoneanonymous)

Christ alone is worthy, Christ alone is gain. Jesus, the Son of God, is to be treasured above everything else in existence, for He created it all, and is greater than it all, and will exist beyond it all. Literally nothing in the world is of any interest or desire to a fervent Christian, for they feel this fact in their very bones. Christ must be our world, our universe; our only home, our only love.

Meditate on this quote. Let it soak into your soul and ring from your lips. It is truth. May we all live it sincerely as such.
 

“If we but paused for a moment to consider attentively what takes place in this Sacrament, I am sure that the thought of Christ’s love for us would transform the coldness of our hearts into a fire of love and gratitude.”

St. Angela of Foligno

I can attest to this truth. Christ, our God become man, gives His very self to us as divine food, so we can literally make Him part of ourselves– so He can be closer to us than He was incarnate. The humility, the compassion, the love, are unfathomable and ineffable and heartbreakingly profound. But our heart grasps a glimmer, and that alone sets it utterly aflame.

May we always remember this truth, in every moment of our lives, and may we ever more adore the Lord in the most holy Eucharist!
 

“He who prays most receives most.”

St. Alphonsus de Liguori 

Ask and you shall receive– but the asking must be born of honest faith! We must show our trust and reliance on God through frequent sincere prayer. God delights to help all who ask Him, just as any good father delights to help his children.

 


“I tell you, that every man who delights in his own will, and is subdued to his own thoughts, and takes up the things sown in his heart, and rejoices in them, and supposes in his heart that these are some great mystery, and justifies himself in what he does- the soul of such a man is a lair of evil spirits, counselling him to evil, and his body a store of evil mysteries in which it hides itself.”

— Saint Anthony

 

 

This is EXACTLY how I thought and lived while afflicted with D.I.D. I was so obsessed with deciphering, cataloging, and exploring my “inner lore” that I had no time for God– even worse, was the fact that I thought I was spending all my time in worship, convinced that immersing myself in my thoughts and feelings was leading me to discover secret truths about God. Little did I know, I was only worshipping myself. I trusted the voices I heard, I followed their advice, I believed they were angels come to help me heal… but I forgot that when angels fall, they become demons… and that anything that idolizes “I” is a false teacher, no matter how mystical and beautiful and intelligent and gentle they appear… and no matter how loving they claim to be. Self-love is still pride, and a flower-strewn stroll to hell is still ending in damnation. And I had no idea. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

And then one day it all collapsed in on itself, and God swept me back up into His arms, and my heart suddenly, tragically, joyfully, devastatedly realized how abjectly hollow and horrid my life had truly been without Him.

Now, I see my past for what it was. I was completely deluded. I lost a lot of friends with this realization, as they claimed I was “no longer the person they loved” and that’s true. The person they loved was a self-centered fool, who didn’t even know who they were to begin with– because they didn’t know God. I was my own idol back then, and when I shockingly realized that my “friends” thought the same way about themselves– well, I had to cut everything off cold. I left it all behind and went back to Christ, utterly alone and poor and afraid and disoriented, but full of genuine hope for the first time in my life.

I’m still recovering. I still have a lot of toxic habits to unlearn. I still struggle with a lot of sinful compulsions. But God has never given up on me, not once in fifteen solid years of utter madness and “evil mysteries.” I am learning to subdue my will and humble my soul under God’s hand, and yes it is frightening and difficult at times, but the joy and love are ever present. That is something my mental illness never had. And by God’s grace, I will never go back.

I need to read this over and over, to remember the pit from whence I was mercifully dragged. Thank God, thank God, thank God!!

 

“Just consider the Christian who is trying, even in a small way, to save his soul. Everything around him inclines him to evil; he can hardly lift his eyes without being tempted, in spite of all his prayers and penances. And yet a hardened sinner, who for the past twenty years has been wallowing in sin, will tell you that he is not tempted! So much the worse, my friend, so much the worse! That is precisely what should make you tremble—that you do not know what temptations are….St. Augustine tells us that the greatest temptation is not to have temptations because this means that one is a person who has been rejected, abandoned by God, and left entirely in the grip of one’s own passions.”

— St. John Vianney

This is SO IMPORTANT!

Temptation is a test for our soul. To be able to be tempted at all, there must be something to tempt us away from! For example, if you feel the temptation to steal, then you are aware that stealing is wrong, and this is a test for you– will you give in to the world’s coercion, to its mandate of selfish interest and desire, or will you resist, and stand strong in God’s will– to sacrifice our self-indulgence and suffer for the sake of Christ? Will you reject the desire to have more, or to rely on self sufficiency, instead of depending on God and trusting Him to provide according to His Good Will? To experience temptation means we are being given the opportunity to practice that choice… to prove the allegiance of our heart. If someone does not feel a “temptation” to steal, but instead takes what they want without remorse or even a sense of impropriety, then they are living so deeply in sinful indulgence that they have lost the very desire to do what is right, because they can no longer see it– they see their sin as being right; they see “nothing wrong” with their evil act, or even see it as justified, and thus they are blind to the very thought of another option, one of righteous self-sacrifice… and so they do not experience temptation.

If you struggle with temptation, then you are still fighting the spiritual war, and that is good– it means you are not a prisoner of the world. Christ has redeemed us from bondage, but He has not taken away our battles. The world is fighting Him to try and steal you away from Him, but Christ is already and forever the Victor… so no matter how much we may have to endure, we can do so with steadfast courage, knowing that ultimately, sin loses. Temptation is the siren song of the enemy’s strategy, promising us comfort and pleasure and excitement and power, failing to mention that we’ll die if we taste that fruit; no matter how delicious it may be, it is ash in our stomach, and can never satisfy. Resist it! If we must go hungry in this world for the sake of the Kingdom, so be it– for we have the Bread of Life, worth infinitely more than any earthly delight! When you are tempted, remember this.

The devil will never cease trying to lure you away from God, but no amount of empty riches or pleasures will ever amount to anything true or lasting. Seek God instead, reject the sinful urge, and hold fast to hope and prayer. Temptation will then only serve to strengthen your resolve to follow Christ. God grant us all the grace to set our hearts on Him alone, and to never be numb to the test!

 

“Withdraw your heart from the world before God takes your body from it.”

— St. John of Avila (via by-grace-of-god)

We may die at any moment! We do not know God’s timing… but we do know His will for our lives until then– to worship Him, to love Him, to love our fellow man, and to live for His Kingdom.

If our heart is attached to the world, it cannot do those things, because love of the world results in selfishness, greed, lust, impatience, impurity, self-worship, idleness, desire, anger, neurosis, depression, hollowness, and all other such vices. That is because the world is fallen, and shackled to death through sin! So to focus on the world is to be enslaved to death. It is a prison with no hope of reprieve, and the existential dread of a worldly life is a terror I daresay we have all tasted at some point in our temporal lives.

Turn to God, for He is life, light, and love. When our hearts cling to Christ, they learn joy, patience, compassion, generosity, gentleness, purity, perseverance, hope, courage, wisdom, grace, and a multitude of other virtues. This is because now, our sights are set on a deeper life– on heaven, unity with God! This gives us the strength to not only happily let go of all interest in this world, but also to endure all hardships within it, because we are full of love for God and our hope is secure, so we can focus on showing and testifying to that love no matter what.

Our time is short, but if you’re still breathing, you can always return to God. If you seek life, renounce the culture of death. Live for the sake of your soul and its true home with God, and death will hold no fear for you.
 

------------------------------------------------------------

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS. they will be satisfied.

NOT the hungry alone! There is NO PROMISE that they will be fed physically. That is a bodily need, but spiritual need trumps even that. Our SOULS hunger WILL be satisfied.

Seeking the face of God, psalm 42-- hungering for Him. Jesus TOLD US how to see God-- God is IN HIM, and Jesus is IN THE "LEAST OF HIS PEOPLE." THIS is why saints are so zealous for the poor and rejected-- in them, THE FACE OF GOD-- who humbled Himself to be humiliated and mortified and suffer-- IS IN THEIR FACES!

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

Please, please pray for my grandmother. She is coughing up blood this morning and we don’t know why. Please pray that this is an innocuous and curable condition. I love her dearly and I’m worried sick, but I am putting this in God’s hands. Thank you all sincerely for your care and your prayers.

prismaticbleed: (angel)

the-memeblades-chosen-one:

  • the rosary is tangled
  • you can gregorian chant anything if you’re determined enough
  • idk where most of these prayer cards came from but they are fancy bookmarks now
  • “christian radio is so cheesy right? lol” *blasts I’m Diving In and Priceless in the car*
  • tried to untangle the rosary and now it is broken
  • somehow no art/merch of your fave saints
  • How Many Fun Ways Can We Cook Fish/Seafood?: A Novel
  • Have Fun With That, We Never Eat Meat Anyway Lol: The Companion Novel by Your Vegan/Vegetarian Brothers & Sisters
  • fixed the rosary, got a new one anyway, new one is tangled with the old one
  • saying one random word in Latin and somehow impressing everyone even though that’s all you know
  • BONE CHURCH
  • all these candles around our house with pictures of bible scenes or saints never get used but when our power goes out we never need any flashlights
  • HAIL MARY FULL OF GRACE, PUNCH THE DEVIL IN THE FACE
  • can we use incense for this? can we please use incense for this?? can i just please have incense at all times???
  • we definitely don’t have a thing for fire. nope. definitely not. light more candles. light them now.
  • BONE
  • CHURCH
  • is this a sign from God or…?
  • i’m telling MOM
  • overall aesthetic basically just goes from Peaceful Lovely Prayerful Pastels to Metal AF Heavenly Warriors FIGHT ME
  • the Creator of the Universe gets stuck to the roof of your mouth. you hope He thinks it’s funny. He probably does tbh.
  • and just wHY IS IT TANGLED??? WHY IS THE ROSARY ALWAYS TANGLED??? AND NOW IT BROKE AGAIN!!!!
  • Your scapular is tangled with your crucifix is tangled with your patron saint medals is tangled with your Miraculous Medal etc.
  • Accidentally washing a rosary with the laundry and spending hours fishing out the beads
  • 6:30 am and you’re already at Mass
  • Sprinkling holy water on everything
  • Plastic photo albums, but full of prayer cards
  • Praying the Breviary on your phone
  • You can never have too many Bibles
  • The smell of the confessional
  • The smell of blessed palms
  • If you’re lucky enough to have been a thurifer, the smell of raw incense 😍
  • Matching your outfit to the liturgical color for today (Bonus points for the ladies if your veil matches too)
  • Accidentally walking out of church with a missalette
  • MIDNIGHT MASS BONFIRES
  • Picking flowers “for mom” to put in front of your Blessed Mother statue
  • Talking to your guardian angel
  • 20 † C † M † B † 19
  • AMERICA NEEDS FATIMA
  • What do you mean pączki are a seasonal item
  • Accidentally saying “the H word” during Lent
  • How long can I keep these ashes on my forehead
  • Bible camp crafts
  • CHURCH PICNICS (how long is your potato pancake line?)
  • When you really need a cough drop but would that be breaking the Eucharistic fast?
  • Alternatively, little kids dropping Cheerios all over the pews
  • That absolutely numinous bliss of sitting in an empty church with the lights off, and the sun streaming in through the windows
  • Alternatively, thunderstorms during Mass
  • When you have Mass after a wedding and there’s glitter all through the carpeting
  • “Dear Saint Anthony, Dressed in Brown, There is Something Lost That Must Be Found”
  • “If you fall asleep while praying, your angel will finish it for you”
  • “We’re CATHOLICS, not CAT-LICKS”
  • Yes the rosary is tangled, but that’s okay, you have approximately 35 more

072119

Jul. 21st, 2019 02:38 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

God let tbas steal the jewel monsters SO I KNOW HOW HE FEELS WHEN THE DEVIL STEALS AWAY HIS CHILDREN!!!

Honestly I can't stop crying over this. It's like they stole my literal heart and MANGLED IT and then started putting it on display. It's unbearable.

At least now I am BENT on getting my children back.
prismaticbleed: (aflame)


artist-aivazovski:

Chaos (The Creation), 1841, Ivan Aivazovski


Medium: oil,canvas

Oh my heart. Oh wow.

This… this, for me, captures the essence of that initial command of Creation. “Let there be light.”  And so it was. Just… jubilant, eternal light and love, there, above the vast chaotic waters, speaking everything into cosmic order with an exuberance of ardent will that cannot possibly be comprehended by man. God, creating. And it was Good.

I love this so much.

071819

Jul. 18th, 2019 02:40 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

Gut brain = carnally minded death
Are you making decisions from your stomach, or your spirit? Whichever one you feed is the one that will live.

Need a BALANCE between "not starving the body" and "not starving the spirit" = trust and surrender that GOD WILL PROVIDE YOUR PHYSICAL NEEDS.

071319 (!)

Jul. 13th, 2019 06:39 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)
In church today, the System woke back up.

Last night, I dreamt about Chaos 0 and I getting married.

Today was a miserable day, full of sickness, but the eating disorder symptoms highlighted the root of the problem-- it's a dissociative forcing habit. It's because I "don't exist" when I'm eating. It's a sort of "death"; a suicide stand-in. I don't want to kill myself, and I don't want to die, but apparently part of my mind is terrified of living, and is taking a halfway step with this.

071319

Jul. 13th, 2019 02:42 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

The "true me" only comes out in writing because THE TRUE ME DOESN'T EXIST IN THE FLESH!!

THIS IS A PROBLEM ACTUALLY; I have NEVER had honest identification with the body in a Christian respect and that is PREVENTING ME from living IN IT in a HOLY WAY.

gutted

Jul. 1st, 2019 08:21 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


I genuinely want to throw up.

TBAS STOLE the entire Dream World/ Jewel Monsters concept and is PROMOTING IT ONLINE AS IF IT WERE THEIRS.

"The concept belongs to someone who isn't online anymore, so forward all questions about it to me!!" basically.


I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND WEEP FOR YEARS HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, HOW COULD YOU TAKE THE LITERAL HEART OF MY CHILD-SELF AND MY ENTIRE HISTORY OF IMAGINATION AND PRETEND THAT IT IS YOUR PLAYTHING HOW DARE YOU

I honestly want to throw up



I am so angry. So angry.


I need to get the actual thing out there. Somehow. Just… get back to drawing it and promoting it NOW. As it REALLY IS.

Part of me actually wants to shame them. Like… show that the whole "Jewel Monster" concept is deeply Catholic and ALWAYS WAS and is supposed to revolve around VIRTUE and FAITH and GOD and CHRIST and you can't just invent a "prophet of play" because THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS, PROPHETS ARE MESSENGERS OF GOD, NOT FUN LITTLE AVATARS OF THE CONCEPT-OF-THE-WEEK, this is borderline blasphemy.


They absolutely MURDERED Justice & Revenge's storyline to the point where I had to literally ERASE IT from the entire history, RENAME them, and START THEIR ENTIRE STORY OVER FROM SCRATCH. Because they decided that a sexual hacker's nightmare was more "cool" or "beautiful" than the truth.

I don't like being this genuinely angry and hateful but there's so much agony over this, God what do I do?


God, help me to forgive, but also please don't let me pretend this is justifiable because IT IS NOT OKAY.



prismaticbleed: (angel)

"A small leak will sink a great ship, and a small spark will kindle a great fire, and a little allowed sin in like manner will ruin an immortal soul."
-J.C. Ryle

"Do you not know that a little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough?" (1 Corinthians 5:6)

Sin never arrives as a single snowflake-- to allow one "little sin," o permit one "tiny stumble," even if it looks harmless and appealing, is to expose your soul to an entire blizzard of increasing coldness of heart, until the inevitable avalanche buries you.

Sin is not a grey cloud, that you can get away with living under. Storms gather, no matter what you do. Sin is as black as a sunless sky, a lethal maelstrom that knows nothing of mercy. Either you follow the light of the Sun, or end up dwelling in darkness. You cannot afford to spare a single second.
 

“Praying and sinning will never live together in the same heart. Prayer will consume sin, or sin will choke prayer.
-J.C. Ryle
 

When you are tempted to sin, PRAY! This reconnects your heart to God and gives you the grace you need to listen, obey, and either overcome or endure. If you cling to God, if you consecrate yourself to Him, choosing to love Him rather than the world no matter what… then you CANNOT sin, for the very thought of disobeying and displeasing your beloved Lord becomes utterly loathsome.

A strong, faithful, continuous prayer life is both mandatory and inevitable in a genuinely Christian life. The more we pray, the less we sin… the less we pray, the more we sin. Either we’re listening to God, or we’re listening to Satan. Either we are serving the Father, or we are slaves to the Tempter. This is the spiritual warfare of our lives. Which side is your heart on?
 

If you show me a man deliberately living an unholy and licentious life, and yet boasting that his sins are forgiven, I answer, 'He is under a ruinous delusion, and is not forgiven at all.' I would not believe he is forgiven if an angel from heaven affirmed it, and I charge you not to believe it too. Pardon of sin and love of sin are like oil and water; they will never go together. All who are washed in the blood of Christ, are also sanctified by the Spirit of Christ.
-J.C. Ryle

Sin is the antithesis of faith, because sin is rebellion, and love is obedience. If we love God, we must obey Him, and that occurs naturally when we love Him, for we seek to please Him and grow ever closer to Him with an adoring heart. Yes, we still stumble into sin, but it grieves us, and we pray fervently for the grace to overcome it, and to amend our lives– even if that sin is habitual and addictive. Out of love for our Father, we are willing to sacrifice anything and everything that leads us to sin, no matter what He calls us to do to achieve that… and we never give up hope, for we trust that God will bring this good work into completion in us, for His sake, through His Son (Philippians 1:6). Out of love, we choose the cross over comfort, and we carry it with humble, patient, courageous faith. This is the mark of true repentance.

If someone chooses to sin, though, and enjoys that sin, and/or prioritizes that sinful behavior or mindset above God and worship of Him, yet claims that this very sin is forgiven, that person is gravely mistaken. Yes, God is forgiving, but we must do our half of he work. God ONLY cleanses us of our guilt THROUGH CHRIST, and to receive that great mercy, we must travel His Way, the only way, the narrow way… we must crucify our sins with Him. Pardon requires repentance. And repentance is proven by its fruits. You cannot serve two masters; you CANNOT love sin, and claim to love God as well. Jesus died to save us from sin, to bear our guilt, and so our deserved penalty for sin is what He suffered. THERE is our forgiveness– dying and bleeding on the wretched gibbet! Can you look to your Savior there, wounded and crushed, by choice, because He loves you– and still choose to indulge in sin? No. Either love will win out, or selfishness will. Either you repent and amend your life, staying at the foot of the cross, following Jesus to the grave and beyond… or you turn around, walk away, continue to live as if nothing happened, and lose out on the resurrection. It is your choice. Choose rightly.

 

catholic-millenial:

How much do you guys pray every day?

I try to keep a mindset of prayer no matter what I’m doing, and I constantly talk to God, Mary, and the angels & saints throughout my day, but it is also absolutely vital to make specific time for formal prayer.

I have alarms set on my phone for the Liturgy of the Hours and the Angelus, I take daily time to read & prayerfully study Scripture, I stop at 3pm each day to say a prayer to Divine Mercy (and I want to get back to saying the Divine Mercy chaplet at that time too), and since my grandmother and I are members of the Legion of Mary, we say those prayers and rosary together every evening.

But, even so, it never feels like enough, and I’m actually grateful for that. I want to “hunger and thirst” for God so much that nothing in this world can satisfy me– I want to always ardently seek Him more, to pray more, worship more, attend Mass more, et cetera. That is a goal I sincerely endeavor and hope to pursue with all sincerely and zeal until the day I die.

God knows I am still a terrible sinner, struggling daily with addiction and temptation and bad habits and laziness… I am constantly brought to my knees in weeping shame and contrition. Yet this drives me to pray all the more, thank God, as I seek His mercy and guidance and justice and love in my life, knowing that ONLY He can save and heal and redeem me. No matter how much I pray, that will not gain me any merit, and I have absolutely no right or reason to boast in it. God knows that I could spend every breath and heartbeat in prayer and it would never be sufficient return for what He has done for me. He deserves all that I can give and infinitely more. But I want to pray because I love Him. I don’t want to pray as “payment owed;” turning it into a business obligation sucks all the innocent honesty out of it. I want all my prayers to flow freely and fervently from an adoring heart, one that cannot help but pray, because it cannot help but love. That’s prayer, and that’s what I want to spend my while life doing.

All glory, honor, and praise be given to our merciful God!!

 

God seeks creators, not destroyers.
For the creator of good is thus destroying evil. And the one who sets out to destroy evil will quickly forget about creating good and turn into a villain.
- St. Nicholai Velimirovic

This is a vital distinction. Destruction is the devil’s work; he seeks to tear down and throw away and rip apart, but he never puts anything good in its place. He can’t. Creation is GOD’S job, and His alone! God only creates, and fixes, and purifies. Good and evil cannot exist in the same place, so even if our Creator does seem to destroy something, He is in fact dismantling what is corrupt or sinful or hindering, and bringing Good things into existence in its place. This is always the case, and I know we can all attest to this in our lives.

Let us join God in His holy work, for this is a huge privilege as His children, and one full of joy. Let us do good for His sake, to let Him bring ever more goodness into the world through us.

 

“God is infinitely wise. He does nothing whimsically. Nothing randomly. Everything is according to wisdom.”

— John Piper

No exceptions– remember this in difficult times! He is forever trustworthy.
 

Silence, humility, and faithful trust all work together. May we all take time this Sunday to truly read, listen, reflect, and integrate God’s Word into our lives. May we have the courage and trust to follow the Spirit even when the world, and our own wild emotions, are shouting against His still small voice.

 

God is bigger than:
your past,
your pain,
your anger,
your fear,
your scars,
your insecurities,
your sin.
Write "amen" if you agree.

AMEN. He is infinitely greater, and He can and will save us from these pains and vices… if we have faith in Him, and give it all to Him TO remove and heal! The question is not “will He,” but “will we?”

Let our hearts cry out Amen, Lord– yes, Lord, I believe– I surrender it all– Thy Will Be Done!!

 

“Heaven grant that I may live to accomplish the Will of my God!”

St. Joseph his oft repeated words, revealed to St. Bridget of Sweden

From what we have learned of Saint Joseph’s character through both Scripture and saintly revelation, he was a beautifully pious and charitable man, truly a model of virtuous manhood for all ages. Simply by reading this, the zealous love in his heart for God is brilliantly apparent, and honestly moves my own heart to tears.

Good Saint Joseph, foster father of our Redeemer, pray for us!

 

“There certainly has remained with me the feeling that my identity is entirely illusory, and that by losing it I have lost nothing, except something, except everything.”

‘The Trouble with Being Born’ E.M. Cioran 

It is, and it isn’t. Identity based on temporal things will inevitably be just as temporal, but while it exists, it exists, like colors on leaves. True identity is rooted in God, the unchanging. Losing THAT sense of identity is indeed losing everything. But to lose the temporal, however totally, might indeed be devastating in magnitude, but in the end… you’ve lost nothing. Yes you lost something, yes you’ve lost everything, but it can all be rebuilt, reimagined, reinvented. Yet even that will one day shift and fade and change and be lost. That’s the nature of human identity. We must be at peace with that, while holding true to the permanence of God in our hearts.

 

If needed, lose friends, not Jesus.

Let me tell you from remorseful experience– trying to keep friends that don’t want to keep Jesus is spiritually excruciating, and it will either destroy your conscience for the sake of compromise, or remove you from those relationships to restore you to God.

It’s all well and good to preach the Gospel to unbelieving friends, but when and if they repeatedly make it clear that they prefer an anti-Christian way of life, and/or that they don’t take your message, morals, or the Mass seriously, as it were… then you need to respectfully part ways. Even the Apostles were warned to not waste their time speaking to those who are effectively plugging their ears to your words, instead being urged to go elsewhere, seeking more receptive hearts.

Friends come and go, and God wants your friends to be His friends, too, for His sake and yours. It is painful and difficult to let go of a friend, even for the faith, because we still love them and would rather stay to show that… but God must still come first. If a friend is endangering your faith or morals, choose to lose them instead of Christ… and then pray that God may win their hearts to His, that they too may come to know His love, and that your friendship may be restored anew, either in this life or the next.

“And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel’s, But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.” (Mark 10:29-30 KJV)

 

Bible study tip: read the Bible slowly. Why? There is revelation in every single line no matter how boring you think it is. It is often the parts that we find irrelevant that God is trying to speak to us through.

Nothing God says or does is irrelevant– the blessed irony of us judging any word of Scripture as such is that God will ultimately use it even more notably in our life for His glory. He always works through the weak and humble; we must meet Him there, in the words that bring us there.

 

Anonymous asked: Posting hate in tags and threatening passages from a group that practices hate towards another violates tumblr tos and this journal has been reported.

Friend, I am genuinely baffled as to what you consider to be “hate.” Can you give an example? All my tags are multiple-use and are meant to categorize content. Furthermore, I have no hatred towards any person, nor any interest in acting cruelly for any reason. As a Christian I am obligated, joyfully, to love, and so I humbly do my best to.

As for “threatening” passages, again, this is not the intent. Scripture is corrective and rebukes spiritually harmful behavior. I share these hard but vital truths because they are just as important and applicable to me, in my struggle against sin, as they are to my neighbors.

Christianity is, by its very definition, a religion of love. Ill will is antithetical to all its adherents. There is, as a result, no malice whatsoever on this blog.

I am deeply sorry that you have felt hurt by my posts, but again, no harm is ever intended– just stern reproof for love’s sake.


The fear of God isn't being afraid of Him. It's being afraid of being away from Him.

Just like a little child fears being separated from their parents, just like a babe reaches for its mother when afraid… the “fear” of God is a fear of offending God, of distancing Him from us, of anything that could drive us apart. Holy fear is a result of love.


Jesus said; If you love me,
❌Like
❌Share
❌Type yes
❌Type amen
✅OBEY MY COMMANDMENTS.

Our love, and our obedience, must be proven in fire. Anyone can click, type, or repeat words with an empty heart. But a heart full of ardor towards God will live that love even in the most difficult circumstances, even without any hope of comfort or ease, approval or attention. To love God means to find all our reassurance and reward in Him alone. If you love Him, obey Him, for His sake, no matter what.


A life with Jesus is not a negotiation, you don’t get to choose what you want to follow. To experience true life, you need to die to self.

Original sin, and every sin, is effectively negotiation– choosing not to follow the rules we don’t “agree with” or “approve of!” But we don’t have that rebellious option if we want to be children of God. Humility is mandatory. Our “approval” means nothing; we’re all ignorant sinners. God knows better than we ever could. Love means rejoicing in that, and obeying with gratitude.

 

When you aren't a Christian, you're partying with devils.
When you become a Christian, those devils you used to party with, are now in spiritual warfare against you.

 

Your demonic "friends" want you dead now, and they will stop at nothing to achieve that gruesome end.

God is in opposition to the world, and the world is in opposition to God. Whatever side you choose, you’re still in a war. The devil just focuses on distracting you with partying, lying that “there’s no hell! There’s no sin! Eat drink and be merry!” while he attacks God by killing your soul. But God tells us flat-out in Scripture that we Christians are in a lifelong struggle against the “powers of this dark world.” So He suits us up with the armor of God, arms us with faith, and strengthens us through Christ. Hell is real, sin is real, and this life is meant to glorify God. Our offense is a defense of truth. God has already won the victory; we need only stand firm in His grace.

Spiritual warfare is real. But so also is Christ’s ultimate victory. We will face opposition equal to our faith, but grace will carry us through. Fear not.

There are two choices– to party blindly with demons, or to battle soberly with Christ. Look at your life. Which lifestyle are you living?
 

"Being a Christian isn't for sissies. It takes a real man to live for God - a lot more man than to live for the devil.” ~Johnny Cash

The devil is all about shortcuts and compromise, indulgence and revelry, rebellion and pride, self-interest and want. The devil’s way is easy– so easy, you’ll slide down it all the way to hell. It might feel like a theme park, but no matter how “fun” the ride is, the end is a crashing halt.

God’s way, the true way, the only Way, demands sacrifice and longsuffering, repentance and reform, obedience and humility, loyalty and faith. It requires us to be charitable to the hostile, forgiving towards abusers, patient with the abrasive, and loving towards those that the world despises. It’s not “fun,” it’s not a party, it’s not a thrill ride. It’s hard work, and it requires us to put our selves last. But it is the ONLY path to peace, joy, love, and salvation. No exceptions. And it’s worth it.


“Delay your want in this world, to get what you really want from the Lord.”
Day-8/365!

Patience and surrender kills all worldly lusts. Putting emotions and impulses aside, no matter how loudly they scream, shows that we trust God and value His kingdom more than any fleeting things or experiences. If we are genuinely willing, God will make us genuinely able. Halfhearted surrender is still just clinging. We must let go of “wants,” and trust God to meet our needs… for He knows them far better than we do!
 

“You will never know the fullness of Christ until you know the emptiness of everything but Christ.”

And we will know it, either through the Bible’s bright teaching or through the world’s dark experience. The truth remains the same.
 

“True obedience is the refusal to compromise in any regard our relationship with God, regardless of the consequences.”

Our love for God must be so strong and true, that the very thought of compromising it is horrid to consider!
 

“Sometimes God will give you exactly what you wanted just to show you that it's not at all what you needed.”

Wants are fleeting, worldly things. All we need is God. Seek Him above all else, for He is sufficient. Remember– bodies will all fail and die eventually. Our souls continue on. God cares for both, but the latter is the higher priority.

Remember Saint Paul– in hunger and in plenty, in danger and in safety, God was His only desire, His only want… and so his true needs were always met. His life was secure. God never abandoned Paul, even when he was in tough times, even if the world may have considered him cursed. After all, he sure wasn’t asking for worldly “wants”! The same goes for all the faithful. We may “want” luxury and ease and fun, but in the end it’s hollow. God will show this to us clearly, so that we will not only have deeper joy in Him, but also so that we will be freed from all the torture of selfish want. Thanks be to God!
 

Holy Spirit, we ask for a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Your will. (Eph. 1)

If it doesn’t glorify God– and the Holy Spirit will tell you if it doesn’t– then it’s not following God’s will. Be vigilant, know Scripture, and don’t make excuses.
 

Stop talking "blessings" and start talking REPENTANCE fam. it ain't about you it's all about Christ

The opportunity to repent is the biggest blessing. This life isn’t the only life– but it is the shortest! If we truly believe in heaven and hell hereafter, then counting our blessings means putting God’s mercy and love first on the list!

It’s all about humble grace– the glory of every victory is for God alone.


The moment you begin following God’s will for your life is the moment the enemy takes greater notice of your life.

And he will do anything to stop you.

Don’t stop pressing in to who God says you are. What He’s prepared you to do. And how He’s changed you to change the World.

The devil wants to stop God’s will from being done. The devil wants to mock Jesus’s love and Crucifixion. We must stand strong in faith, obeying God in humility, for the sake of His glory. The key word is not “me” or “I”, it’s “GOD.”


Do not mistake a winter of the soul for its death.  Faith and doubt are like the tides; only remember on which shores you stand, and seek others who have dealt with your struggles.

In the wintry days of my soul… I start decorating for Christmas. ⛪❤🎄❄👼 God is with us! God is still with us! And if enduring such spiritual chills is what it will take for the Lord to be born again within my heart, for his guiding star to enlighten my path, for the songs of his angels to reach my tired ears… then amen, amen, let the ice come down and blizzards rage; I shall learn with jubilation to seek my warmth in God’s embrace, and praise His name among the frosted pines.

"Consider how precious a soul must be, when both God and the devil are after it.”
- Charles Spurgeon

The soul of man was breathed into his nostrils by God Himself! No other creature was given life in this way. We humans are a special creation, blessed and loved by the Lord, made in His image and likeness. So it’s no wonder that the devil wants to destroy our souls so badly! He hates God, therefore he abhors anything that is precious and special to God– most notably, humanity. God puts such a high value on our souls that He sent His Only Begotten Son to die for us, so that our souls could be saved from sin– the deadly curse that the devil revels in propagating, lying and manipulating mankind, trying to destroy our priceless souls. The devil claims our souls are worthless, but this is blatantly false. He’s just trying to offend and mock God. But we need to know better than that. We are precious to God– to God, the Creator of All!– and we must be humbled by that, moved in love to respect our souls as such.

 

“If you think to find paradise on earth, even in a monastery, then you are very mistaken. Paradise—full blessedness—does not exist on earth, and cannot, because man was not created for earth, but for heaven.”

— Abbess Thaisia of Leushino

As someone discerning a religious vocation, this is vitally important to remember. “Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness”– for they are able to endure in blessed hope, knowing that their souls shall only be satisfied with God, and therefore no lack of paradise on earth can disappoint them… while that same hunger will drive them to do all that they can to still reflect as much of heaven as they can in this world, for His glory, to inspire others to that same divine desire.


Matthew 6:21 (KJV) -
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Remember that our hearts were made for God. Using our heart for anything else is effectively a denial of purpose– like having a car, but using it for storage instead of driving. God should, and must, be our greatest treasure. To place our worship, attention, and care anywhere else is idolatry, futile and ultimately empty. So honestly ask yourself: what’s in your treasure chest?

 

 

“Even the devil believes that God exists. Believing has to change the way we live.”

— Mother Angelica

AMEN.
If our belief in God's existence doesn't change us, then we're just like the devil.

Faith without works is dead; just holding a belief does not indicate faith, or trust, or love! If we are to truly call ourselves Christians, then we must live in loving imitation of Christ, and obedience to God. Otherwise, it’s like putting a label on an empty container– no matter what it says, what really counts is the content… or lack thereof.

 

 

“God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.”

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis (pg. 50)

The hardest truth for the flesh, and the most beautiful truth for the soul.

 

“Do you want to be right or righteous? Do you want to win or be winsome?”

— Grace Faith Works (via gracefaithworks)

“Winsome” means “sweetly or innocently charming” or “engaging.” Indeed it is better to lose with everyone on good terms and in good spirits, than to win by pushing or beating others down. Let us always be Christlike, which is true righteousness.


“Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners, even persecutors, the worst of sinners: his righteousness is sufficient for them; his Spirit is able to purify and change their hearts.”
-George Whitefield

Pray always for the conversion of persecutors-- especially your own personal ones.That is a grace gifted to you from God-- who else can pray for them with such radical love, but those for whom such love must be God-inspired? This truth is the greatest hope for them and us; after all, we, too, have only been saved through His Spirit.


“It is always the Holy Spirit’s work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus. But Satan’s work is just the opposite; he is constantly trying to make us look at ourselves instead of Christ.”

— Charles Spurgeon

This discernment is a vital litmus test for our decisions of focus. Whatever we do or think, we must ask– who am I truly turning towards here? Where is my heart’s genuine focus, for good or ill? Who am I glorifying with this, if I were to sincerely ask my conscience? If we ask these things in humble honesty, the Holy Spirit will convict us of error, and keep us on the straight and narrow. Thanks be to God for our Advocate!
 

“Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of.”

— Charles Spurgeon  (via sunflowers-inmybed)

All of our trials are gifts from the hand of God, to help us grow in holiness, should we respond to them with a humble and faithful heart.

 

Frustrated? Lonely? Insecure? Confused? A lack of communication with God puts our entire life out of focus. Get into the Word, pray more.
-Tovares Grey

This is VERY true and I can personally attest to its importance. Put God first– the rest will follow, by His hand.


Satan loves to take what's beautiful and ruin it. God loves to take what's ruined and make it beautiful.

A powerful reminder to my soul as God continues to heal me from trauma.


Before we can teach others, God will discipline us first, that everything we give may be profitable and will not lead them to harm.

We cannot show them the way that leads to life, if we ourselves don’t even know the way to Jesus. We cannot teach them obedience, if we ourselves are disobedient to God. We cannot preach what we do not know, we cannot show them the power of God’s Word when we ourselves are not changed by it.

What they see to us, will either mold them to Christlikeness or disobedience.

That’s why before we can be used by God, He will make sure we will be refined and tested by fire first.

I can humbly attest to this. God demands integrity of heart, for the good of all. Discipline not only refines us, but humbles us– to try and teach someone else about God while ourselves living in sin is an action of pride, really. It may even be an attempt to hide our own sin under a guise of evangelistic holiness. No, God will only use the meek to further His Kingdom, and we should all be deeply grateful that He is always willing and able to bring us to that point of virtue, no matter how difficult the process may be.

God wants us to know Him entirely, and that requires not only ardent love but also holy fear. The two are united.


“Our lips may say a thousand good words about God but if we live in vain, sin and selfishness, do we really think God is pleased?”

— Walk in the Light / J.G

Hypocrisy is a terrible sin for Christians, as it results in scandal and dishonor of God. Our actions must testify to our faith.

 

“The struggle is the sign of holiness. A saint is a sinner that keeps trying.”

— St. Josemaria Escriva (via sermoveritas)

To struggle against sin shows that we refuse to comply with it, that we refuse to be slaves to it, that we will not rest in wicked complacency over the warfare in our soul. All humans are born into sinful nature and tendencies, and we will all be tempted, cajoled, persecuted, and outright attacked by Satan and his vice of selfishness until the day we die. The devil wants us to despair. He wants us to weaken, to wear out, to be so crushed by battles that we lose hope and stop fighting, just for a semblance of peace. But we Christians know that the only true peace is found in Christ, and in obeying Him, in remaining loyal to Him no matter what turmoil may rage around and against us. God is our hope, and so we keep trying, striving ever closer to Jesus, despite our human weakness– for His power is made perfect in such. We fight the Good Fight until the very end, never despairing, never denying, never turning back. We may struggle with sin until our final breath, but the Lord is merciful as well as just, and if our hearts have been uncompromisingly focused on Him despite it all, then I believe that hope shall not disappoint. Because of this, we have the strength to carry on… and thus, we become saints.

 

searchforinnerpeach-deactivated: your heart ever just break for all the evil shit happening in the world

“He who is not angry when there is just cause for anger is immoral. Why? Because anger looks to the good of justice. And if you can live amid injustice without anger, you are immoral as well as unjust.”
-Saint Thomas Aquinas

As those who love God, we must hate sin, both in ourselves and in the world. BUT this ‘hatred’ must be without malice or rage. To hate sin means to despise evil, true, but it also means that we must focus on good. To obsess over wrongdoing, to be consumed by wrath and indignation, only leads US into sin, and therefore we are not to put our minds or hearts there. Instead, let us live justly and speak out against injustice out of love for our just God, not out of anger towards men. We, too, are sinners; God is patient with us all for our merciful conversion. He sends rain and sunshine on both the just and unjust, but in the end, only the just will survive. Only those who are righteous in Him will be saved. The wicked will perish in their wickedness. So yes, let your heart break out of sorrow for the reality of evil, for this does show your love of good. And be angry at the evil you see, too, for Jesus was also angry at those who were cruel, hypocritical, and abusive. But that anger did not lead to violence or bitterness or any other sin. Instead it led to firm but patient correction, exhortations to conversion and penance, and the warning against further misconduct. We are to follow our Lord’s example, and trust in God to handle the ultimate situation. Our job is to be faithful and obedient to His Good Will, not to punish others, or to panic over the world. Follow Him, and rest in His power and peace. God is Good. Let His promises mend your heart. Evil has already lost. Preach that Good News!


“Humility is the one thing no devil can imitate.”

St John Climacus

A vital reminder, always.

Remember this when you are tempted to arrogance, defensiveness, excuses, and pride, especially under a pretense of “righteousness.” By choosing humility in all cases intead, you choose what is always the only true Christian option.

 

“God can save the sinner you are, but not the saint you pretend to be.”

Metropolitan Anthony Bloom
(via dramoor)

Humility is the one thing no devil can imitate, and it is the key to reconciliation with God. Jesus Christ came to save the lost– if we insist we know where we’re going, we’ll wander in the dark forever for our foolish pride.

 

Preaching TRUTH to a generation that loves lies can be very discouraging. Preach TRUTH anyway. The only eternal reward is for the righteous

And God wants this generation to listen to Him and therefore join the ranks of the righteous through Christ!

When you preach Truth, do not do so with a mindset of moral superiority or pride. We are equal sinners and are called righteous only through the grace of God working in us. Preach Truth out of loving justice– as one seeking the conversion of sinners, the finding of the lost, and the ultimate salvation of all peoples!

 

prismaticbleed: (angel)
☆THE REASON WHY IT IS THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL=

Adam and eve were created pure and obedient. They COULD not come to know evil on their own, as God is Good and they followed him entirely.

EVIL COULD THEREFORE ONLY OCCUR THROUGH DISOBEDIENCE.

AND THE ONLY WAY THEY COULD DISOBEY, AND THEREFORE LEARN EVIL, IS IF GOD GAVE THEM AN ORDER THAT COULD BE DISOBEYED!

Therefore the tree of knowledge WAS REQUIRED TO BE FORBIDDEN, OTHERWISE IT COULD NOT BESTOW SUCH KNOWLEDGE OF EVIL IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The snake, therefore, was indeed SUPPOSED to be in the tree, as a tempter-- "temptation" in the TEST sense!!

Therefore God did NOT "create" Evil. Evil is an ABSENCE of God. God just allowed the circumstances that would ENABLE such an absence to exist-- through rebellion against God, which is sin, which is evil.

EVERYTHING that occurs as a result of that absence is UNCREATED and UNNATURAL.

☆the hypnotist said, "sin" backwards is just "live"! How can we refute that with the Word of God? How does Genesis show the flaws in that argument-- or the ironic truth?

☆the irony is that "live" is the REVERSE of "evil." DUH.

= the devil and backmasking; lies, sneakiness. Undermining the whole.
prismaticbleed: (angel)
0607:

Vain repetitions in prayer are really about SELF, not God!!

Compare to the Our Father.

TRUE and holy "repetitions" like Rosaries and Chaplets are meant to HYPERFIX OUR FOCUS AND SENSES ON GOD. It's not about "talking a lot" or "being heard if I say the right things"; it's about completely immersing ourselves in thoughts of God and His Son and His Mother. It's about growing in holy love and discipline through this special worship format.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0615:

Hearing the devil talk today during a binge (scary how it drags my mind-radio down that low)

THERE ARE NO "VICTIMLESS CRIMES" BECAUSE CHRIST IS "THE" VICTIM!!!

"Corrupt" vs misled/malformed conscience


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0623:

Contemplative prayer: emptying mind feels "good" because you AREN'T SINNING AND CANNOT SIN in that state of peace. Instead you are open to simply perceive the goodness of God.

We must be United to the WHOLE TRINITY!!
The Father is within & without all Creation. The "Source ".
BUT the SON is for US in our mortality! That's why He took on flesh-- to be our Food, so we can become like Him in this Unique way.
The Spirit is... not sure yet? I love Him but don't know enough about Him yet. BUT I THINK He works powerfully for us Through Mary??? She IS His Spouse!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0624:

Cain vs Abel- WORKS VS GRACE, PRIDE VS HUMILITY

Ground cursed by original sin, but sheep WEREN'T? Wondering about their subsequent association with SACRIFICIAL PURITY especially IN CHRIST


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0625:

Relapsing into thievery. I don't trust God enough to provide for me. Why??? Is greed part of this? Wanting more than I need? Why do I assumedly want it?

The violence of popular culture has DESENSITIZED US to the Passion of Christ!!!

Genesis 3:1 = ENTITLEMENT!!! The garden WASN'T MADE FOR ADAM. He's just the caretaker. He was BLESSED to be given that role, blessed to be allowed to eat the fruit at all. But the serpent is like "well you should want ALL of it; God is being mean to forbid you any at all!"

7 Deadly Sins = starts with PRIDE. "I know better than God."

Then envy and greed- "I want more than what God gave; I am jealous of those who have more" and these are both motivated by LUST. Wrath is born from this too! Not sure about sloth?? But obviously gluttony with the fruit.
prismaticbleed: (angel)

 

godwants-you: God’s arms are always open for you to run back into, no matter how far you’ve strayed.

enlightenedpathway: This is so important. I constantly struggle with this, I have Satan whispering in my ear telling me I’m not good enough of a Christian to even ask for forgiveness from God. But if course that’s wrong. God is so merciful and just like Matthew 7:7 says “ask and you will receive” God will forgive you if you pray for forgiveness and turn away from sinful things.

A major way people distance themselves from God is when it comes to sexual purity. Many people believe that once their virginity is gone they have lost their ability to be pure. This idea is very Jewish because of a woman had sex outside of marriage she was considered unclean. But in Christianity God has given us the opportunity of baptism to cleanse and make ourselves holy and pure in His sight.

God forgives all sin you just have to ask.

As someone who endured years of sexual sin and abuse, and who now feels utterly broken, filthy, and unfixable… this reminder, this blessed reminder of the all-powerful love and grace of God, and His willingness to make me whole, if I have faith in Him to do so and give Him all that pain in hopeful surrender… it strikes right to the heart, and brings me to joyful, grateful tears. Blessed be God forever!!
 

Jesus promised Peter the gates of hell would not prevail.
He did not, however, promise that the powers of hell wouldn't have a pretty good run causing us lots of trouble in the meantime.
#stickwithPeter #PeterhastheKeys
-Fr. Patrick Mary Briscoe, O.P.

 

This is so important to remember. Jesus works WITH the weak and struggling people of His Church because it not only highlights His great power, love, and mercy, but also because it gives ALL glory to God for its success– no pride of man has carried us along for two thousand years of trials and failures and schisms. The devil is indeed waging war against Christ’s Body in His People even now, daily and cruelly. But God has promised our ultimate victory. Hell shall not prevail. So yes, absolutely stick with Peter, a man like us who doubted and feared and made plenty of mistakes, but who also always turned back to God, and who wholeheartedly recognized and adored Jesus as such– as the Christ, the Savior of the world. We still have those keys. So let us set our hearts firmly in our faith, no matter what, so that we too may be rocks anchored in the Rock Of Ages– The Gate Himself.

Saint Peter, pray for us!

 

Whenever I’m faced with making a decision in my life no matter how big or small, my first instinct is to pray.

I need to truly develop this holy instinct, especially in the little things. They matter, and they add up. Luke 16:10.

 

When God calls you to something, He is not always calling you to succeed, He's calling you to obey! The success of the calling is up to Him; the obedience is up to you.
-David Wilkerson
 

True success is not measured by the world anyway; everything here is temporary. The obedience to God itself is genuine “success,” for it is in line with the truth of who we were created to be in Christ.
 

“Remember, it’s a gift when the Holy Spirit exposes areas of darkness, captivity, and sin. When you can actually see the ugliness, it’s because the light has come, revealing what was already there. So ask for the courage to be uncomfortable, uneasy, and provoked so you can confess and release these things. The Lord is full of compassion and love for you. God wants to reveal truth so that the truth sets you free … May you have ears to hear the Spirit’s gentle voice.”

— Sharon Garlough Brown, Sensible shoes

The Lord disciplines His children because He loves them so. His Light burns away the shadows of sin. It may indeed hurt, or be disturbing and uncomfortable, and admitting that we have such ugliness in us is scary and humbling… but it’s all for our highest good. Once God reveals it, He’ll help remove it. Listen, and let the Light in, to sweep out the dirt and cobwebs of your soul. God knows the beauty beneath– He created you, after all.
 

“I am with you. I am with you. I am with you. Heaven’s bells continually peal with that promise of My Presence. Some people never hear those bells because their minds are earthbound and their hearts are closed to Me. Others hear the bells only once or twice in their lifetimes, in rare moments of seeking Me above all else. My desire is that My “sheep” hear My voice continually, for I am the ever-present Shepherd.”

— Sarah Young, Jesus calling

🥺❤ How profoundly our lives will change, if we tune our hearts to the sound of those bells– to the divine music of His Voice!
 

“Spirit, I need to be extremely close to You, not just sort of close or somewhat aware of Your Presence. Please make me sensitive. I give You blanket permission to let me know emphatically when I’ve offended You, and I commit to making whatever adjustments I need to make when You do.”

— Chris Tiegreen

AMEN. Dear Holy Spirit, speak loudly and constantly in my life! Please grant me the grace to lovingly listen, hear, and obey with prompt joy and humility.

 

“Have you struggled with an addictive behavior? Have you repeated the same sin over and over? Understand the statement you are making when you indulge in it: you prefer the passing pleasure of a sinful desire to the fellowship that comes from obedience. It’s a revealing choice. Refuse to be trapped by it. Let righteousness- an unrivalled desire for God- deliver you.”

— Chris Tiegreen

This is a sharply humbling truth… but only such a righteous razor can cut through the shackles of sin. God, free me from fearful addiction, and secure me in friendship with You! May I desire You above all things, and may I properly discern how to live that devotion to You in all my choices. Lead me in your love.

 

 

“One of the greatest hindrances to our sense of God’s Presence in our lives is our awareness of our own sin. And though God hates sin, He loves us. So even when we disobey Him and grieve Him, He is single-minded in pursuing us. Why? Because He wants to be with us. He wants closeness. He may withdraw His Presence briefly sometimes. but it’s only so we will see what we’re missing and return to Him. His ultimate goal in creating human beings was for them to relate to Him. Why, after abolishing the record of our sins, would He withhold Himself? He wouldn’t. He has always pursued relationship, and He always will.”

— Chris Tiegreen

Remembering this, truly realizing this, moves me to tears every time. God’s love, unconditional and unfathomable, is my biggest hope, my strongest motivation, my source of courage, my eternal joy. I’m speechless with humble gratitude. What divine mercy– what divine love!!
 

“The mark of the godly man is he likes to change. The mark of the godly man is he says, ‘Lord, show me where I should change, and I’ll do it. Show me where I should obey, even where it’s hard, and I’ll do it.’”

— Timothy Keller

God, I beg you, give me the grace to surrender completely to Your Loving Will– that I may faithfully say this with every beat of my heart!

 

 

“In human relationships, we give ourselves more fully to those who have given themselves more fully to us. God, an intensely relational God, is the same. Fragmented hearts receive a fragmented experience, but a whole heart receives a whole experience of God. If we scatter our affections abroad—a little of this or that treasure with God added on—we’ll know God at some level, but not as fully as we could.”

— Chris Tiegreen

God must be our All, or else we will have nothing at all. He is the only true treasure, the Source and Cause of all Joy. Don’t waste your life and heart on ephemeral things, which can never satisfy our longing souls, nor love us in return. But Our Lord waits to give you all of Himself– what wondrous love!– if only you will let go of the world, in order to open your arms wide to return His embrace.

 

 

““The Lord… is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish…” (2 Peter 3:9). I should look within and remember how wonderfully He has dealt with me. The knowledge that God has loved me beyond all limits will compel me to go into the world to love others in the same way. I may get irritated because I have to live with an unusually difficult person. But just think how disagreeable I have been with God! Am I prepared to be identified so closely with the Lord Jesus that His life and His sweetness will be continually poured out through me?”

— Oswald Chambers

Remember this always; it will keep your soul humble and your heart gentle, and it will be a check against sinful pride and a fountain of grateful joy. Jesus has loved us first– deeply and radically, patiently and powerfully– now let His love for you flow out to the world through you, to all the other souls he loves so much!
 

“We forget that God’s primary goal is not changing our situations or relationships so that we can be happy, but changing us through our situations and relationships so that we will be holy.”

— Paul David Tripp

Holiness causes joy, and that is infinitely more solid than circumstantial happiness. Trust in this Godly goal.
 

“I know your weaknesses and am patient with you, much more patient than you are with yourself. You need to understand that sheep don’t worry about the future, obsess about their mistakes, or strategize their lives. And if you knew the heart of this Shepherd, you wouldn’t either. Sheep follow. That’s all I’m asking you to do.”

— Chris Tiegreen, Experiencing God’s
Presence

Our Good Shepherd will lead us in the right path. Regardless of appearances, delays, or doubt on our part, He is always Good. Follow Him. He knows what He’s doing. ❤
 

“Some of your worries have deep root systems. Extracting them is hard, hard work. In fact, it may be the toughest challenge of all. But you don’t have to do it alone. Present the challenge to your Father and ask for help. Will he solve the issue? Yes, he will. Will he solve it immediately? Maybe. Or maybe part of the test is an advanced course in patience. This much is sure: contagious calm will happen to the degree that we turn to him.”

— Max Lucado

Whatever God chooses to do, or not do, it is Good. That is guaranteed. But we must ask Him for help too. Humility, trust, faith, and love all require it. Worry only happens when we forget that it’s all in His hands… or when we’re afraid to surrender to that fact. Don’t worry, and do not be afraid. It might take a storm, or years of erosion, but God can remove any bad root you give to Him.
 

“God keeps giving me another chance, and I never deserve it. I just don’t know what to say. … I guess we never stop having things to work on. I guess we never stop having things to pray on. This is just another hardened piece of me that had to break.”

— From one of my poems

I need to remember this… the process doesn’t end until we die. Until then, our Lord offers endless hope and grace to grow ever nearer to Him. When it’s over, after all, He wants us to be with Him.

Thanks be to God for breaking all the frozen parts of my heart, and continuing to do so, no matter what.
 

“Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.” -John 14:23

 What a privilege for us to be where He will come and make His home. To be a dwelling place. For our body to be a temple. The more you really think about it, the more amazing it is.

It’s enough to bring any believer to their knees in holy fear and tearful love. If we remembered this blessed privilege in every moment of our lives, how dramatically we would grow in graceful holiness!
 

“Do you expect instantaneous answers to your prayers for deliverance? More often than not, you will be disappointed. Change your perspective. Rather than looking for escape, look for the benefit of the trial. Let endurance have its perfect result. Ask God what He’s accomplishing and then participate in it willingly. If you can learn perseverance, you will be a rarity in this world and well fit for the Kingdom of God.”

— Chris Tiegreen

YES. God took over ten years to save me from my most terrifying trial, because I needed to endure it for that long. It was a lesson that took serious time to be fulfilled. Only God knew that; I could only see it afterwards. So trust Him! Persevere in faith, endure with patience, do it all for Love of the Lord– because in every moment, no matter how difficult, He loves you.
 

“We can’t expect answers to our prayers without having faith in our God to whom we are praying.”

— Stormie Omartian

We must constantly examine our hearts with this. Do we trust God’s answers? Do we trust that He can and will answer? Do we trust His “no” as much as we trust His “yes”? Where are the weak points in our faith?
 

“Father, let me never waste my pain. Use it to draw me deeper, to show me hidden treasures of Your ways and Your Kingdom. Give me glimpses behind the scenes of my life.”

— Chris Tiegreen

May my pain be used for God’s glory– to teach, to admonish, to push me closer to Him. May my sole comfort and joy be the Lord.
 

“God will never tell you to do anything that gratifies the flesh—to do just as you please without thought of the future. Yes, He wants you to enjoy life—but in a way that pleases Him and brings you wholesome fulfillment, not in a manner that will ultimately destroy you.”

— Charles Stanley

This is absolutely vital to remember when discerning our daily choices. You cannot serve two masters; the spirit and the flesh are utterly opposed, the latter will indeed destroy you, and God will make sure you know that very well. Anything that says otherwise is not God.

“What is holiness? The best practical definition that I have heard is simply “without sin.” That is the statement that was made of the Lord Jesus’ life on earth (Hebrews 4:15), and that should be the goal of every person who desires to be godly. Granted, we will never reach that goal in this life; nevertheless it is to be our supreme objective and the object of our most earnest efforts and prayers.”

— Jerry Bridges

Don’t throw in the towel just yet. Besides, if you’re rolling with Christ, He’s probably about to throw it back. Keep going.
 

"No man knows how bad he is until he has tried very hard to be good."
-C.S. Lewis

I can attest to this, with all humbled fear. Without God, we’re hopeless. But God is with us. His Son is here for us. Hope is real.

Don’t think that you’ve been gone too long to come to Him. God is not some spiritual parole officer waiting for you to fail. If you’ve strayed from prayer, He is not keeping some score. If you don’t feel Him at all, tell Him that: “I don’t feel you right now, God.” Pray with any amount of faith that you have; believe that prayer works; ask for faith if you have none. If you’re mad, tell Him. If you’re ashamed, guilty, confused, afraid, doubtful: tell Him. He can handle that. He is understanding, patient, gracious; He loves you. You’ll soon find you’ll want to talk to Him, because He’s actually pretty awesome to talk to.
-J.S. Park

Our hearts must be ENTIRELY open to God. This sort of constant, honest, vulnerable, trusting prayer is vital to deepening our faith and growing in grace. Don’t hide from the One who loves you. Give Him everything.
 

I am not going back to how I once was. I will keep pressing forward till the day I stand in His presence- free and perfected through His glory.
I am not going back to how I once was.

I’ve been praying this same prayer all day. God keep us in Your grace.
 

lovelyethos: I will only be saved by the grace of God. Any other so called solution is complete bullshit to me. Only God Himself could fix me- that I am entirely convinced of.

Years of therapy and medical bills has convinced me of the same.

I’m a terrible busted-up wreck of a person. No amount of get-fixed-quick pills, magic mantras or “so how does that make you feel” couches have ever accomplished anything of value towards improving my poor mental health and bungled morality. But you know what has worked? Jesus. The grace of Christ. Surrender to God. Faith in the face of crushing fear. God alone will be glorified in my recovery, and that means that only God can succeed. I have seen the proof of this beyond any doubt, even and especially when everyone and everything else in my life was vehemently insisting to the contrary.

In short, I feel you on this, sister. Even when our shortcomings, failures, flaws, and outright disastrous errors in life drive us to the brink of despair, God is still capable of fixing it all. And we must trust in that, and in His timing, and in His gracious love for us, despite how utterly unworthy and broken we may be. God is greater than our sin and our sorrow. And if we let Him, if we open our hearts despite all doubt, He will save us. I am sure if it. That is my fiercest hope.

 

“If conversion to Christianity makes no improvement in a man's outward actions – if he continues to be just a snobbish or spiteful or envious or ambitious as he was before – then I think we must suspect that his 'conversion' was largely imaginary."
-C.S. Lewis

 

A very vital, humbling reminder.
Conversion WILL manifest through the way we live, because conversion changes the heart. It’s inevitable.

Remember Matthew 3:8: "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance." Repentance is worthless without proof of action.

We can claim we are fruit trees, but if we bear no fruit, our claim is useless– it is essentially a lie. Repentance, change of heart, is the root, but will we let that root wither and die, by refusing or fearing to water, tend, and nourish it?

Lastly, the fruits of repentance may indeed taste as sharp as lemons. True metanoia demands great and difficult things, as it requires we fight our fallen nature, and as such the “firstfruits” of our reformation will likely make us wince a little, to say the least. But lemons are still fruit. The tree is not dying, but living. If your tree of new life is bearing lemons, then grow beautiful lemons! Cultivate sweetness in your heart, and they will no longer taste so bitter. Give thanks to God for the harvest of grace.

Reblog and say a prayer for someone who is struggling with the same sin as you. 

This is both humbling and deeply compassionate. We as Christians should do this daily.

“It is a happy moment when our desire crosses with the will of Heavenly Father.”
-C.S. Lewis

As God changes our hearts, those moments will occur more and more! And in heaven, those “moments” are now our “always ”.


The greatest joy in the kingdom of heaven (the greatest among many) seems to me to be that we will no longer be tied up with earthly concerns but will have rest and glory within us – rejoicing that gives joy to everyone, peace that lasts for ever – satisfaction in ourselves, a satisfaction that comes from seeing how everyone is praising the Lord and blessing and hallowing his name, while no-one offends him. Everyone loves him. Each soul has no wish other than to love him: it cannot stop loving him because it knows him truly.
-St Teresa of Avila

This is such a beautiful description of heaven. And this is how we are called to live even now, as bringing that very Kingdom to this world for the sake of Christ.
 

"I need nothing but God, and to lose myself in the heart of Jesus."
-Saint Margaret Mary Alacoque
The desire of all the saints… may we, too, called to the same holiness, desire this pure and single purpose with every atom of our hearts.

 

If you’re out there and you’re struggling with depression, I just want you to know one thing: God loves you. Your struggle is not your fault. It does not define you. It does not mean you’re a failure. It does not mean you’re a burden to God or anyone else. It does not mean you’re a bad Christian. It means that you’re a human being who is struggling at the moment, and that’s perfectly okay. You are still loved by God. You are still God’s precious child. God does not blame you. God is not ashamed of you. In fact, His heart is hurting along with yours. He longs to see you healed and restored. He knows recovery takes time. He understands. And He loves you.

Mental illness can be a cross, leading us down a humbling path to greater good. Carry it with trust and faith; God’s power is made perfect in weakness after all. Jesus will never abandon you; keep your heart set on Him.

I needed to remember this tonight; thank you.
 

“I am a Christian because Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for me, and the least I can do is live my life entirely for Him.”

— A child of God (via love-your-bible)

When we realize how much He loves us, our hearts cannot help but love Him with everything we are in return.


When lovers are together, they spend hours and hours repeating the same thing: ‘I love you!’ What is missing in the people who think the rosary monotonous is love; and everything that is not done for love is worthless.”
— Sister Lucia of Fatima

This is so simply yet profoundly true. ❤

 

“Our obedience is not the grounds of our relationship (with Jesus) but the overflow of it.”

— Jared Wilson

Jesus loved us while we were still utterly dead in sin. Our salvation, and resulting obedience, is due to His Grace– for true obedience blooms from love, which is of God, and which we could not have ever achieved on our own during our sinful pasts. Jesus loves us, and that love, when accepted through Grace, opens our hearts to love Him back.

“All I wish is to love until I die of love.”

— St. Thérèse de Lisieux

The kernel calling of every Christian.


Happy Sacred Heart Month y'all! ❤

I have had a deep devotion to the Sacred Heart since childhood; it’s what always resonated the deepest within my own. I look forward to this month every year. ❤ May God bless us all by it!


Christ is knocking at the heart, and the devil is at the brain.

This is such a striking truth! The mind can indeed play the devil’s games– overanalyzing, making excuses, scheming and manipulating– and the state of our world speaks volumes to the evil influence upon our brains, with the epidemics of anxiety, depression, and various other mental illnesses. But if Christ has a home in our heart– if we have indeed let him in to live with us– then we know the Truth, and we can be at Peace, no matter how loud and agitated things may be “upstairs ”.

When thoughts confuse you, when you feel pulled in different directions, listen to where that pull, that call, is coming from. Is is an impatient, demanding “knock,” accompanied by intrusive thoughts, fears, and crooked “justifications”? Do you feel forced to open the door, although you’re scared or tired or unsure? Then that’s the devil knocking! Don’t let him in– there’s only room in your soul for two, and there’s a far kinder guest knocking at a far deeper door, quietly but purposefully, waiting for you to unlock the deadbolts of fear. Do not be afraid. We sheep recognize the Master’s voice (John 10), and we also recognize when it’s not Him, despite all creeping doubts that may whisper and scream otherwise. Trust the One who will, and can, only enter through the secret gate of your heart.

 

 

0530 dream

May. 31st, 2019 09:47 am
prismaticbleed: (held)
dream. 053019.

I remember mewtwo was sick; dying? he was lying down with his head in my lap, his skin greying and looking like loose chicken skin or alien skin, all ragged bubbles and dots and sloughing off like a lizard shedding. but then something occurred where he remembered or 'it was revealed' that he indeed could heal himself? basically, the 'recover' ability, although this was not said outright. and so he did.
he returned to health and I guess was going about life normally, but I was thinking to myself, how much I missed and treasured those vulnerable moments where I was just holding him, as that was something I'd likely never get to experience again. I asked myself why this was, and then admitted, "because I love him." not romantically, but just genuine love. suddenly I realized, hold on, mewtwo can read minds. can he hear what I'm thinking? and sure enough he was looking at me. I became aware of all my intrusive thoughts, the ones calling random people 'ugly' and 'stupid,' accusing me of sexual lewdness and manipulation and other awful things, of saying I was just using people and wanted to hurt them and didn't really 'love' anyone, etc. ashamed, I countered those thoughts as they came up, afraid that if mewtwo heard the intrusive thoughts he'd think that was the 'real me' when it absolutely was not. I was half ashamed that someone with such an ugly mind as me would even dare to think I was even 'allowed' to hold him again, like this was some sort of entitlement. but I could not deny, the sentiment was true.
at this mewtwo came over to me, a look of 'gentle surprise' on his face, and asked me if I sincerely meant this thought-- if it wasn't just a wondering dream, but a genuine wish. I said yes, abashed but moved. and I don't know the sequence of events but I know that he just lay down with his head in my lap, and I held him like that, and there was no obligation or awkwardness from either of us-- it was something we both treasured, and there was a deep sense of trust and friendship and love in those moments, untainted by illness now, something we both wanted in and of itself. and that meant a lot to me.

051919

May. 19th, 2019 10:16 am
prismaticbleed: (angel)
"Trust no one" vs "help my unbelief" = mom vs me mindsets. Very upset by this contrast and conflict.

Stealing compulsion? "Justifying" secret taking by "I'll pay it back in secret;" STILL WRONG!

Today: said a rosary while waiting for mom to pick me up in front of Walmart. Everything felt so lucid and real. Peace in my heart. Can still remember exactly what the sky looked like

Split second obedience vs DOUBT at "where's the voice coming from"; i.e. is it a compulsive thought or an actual conscience guidance? DISCERN? How to do so FAST?

0513 dream

May. 13th, 2019 08:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (czj)
dream last night.

I was a red-winged angel living in the belfry of our parish church
I would fly out of it at night and sing over the town as I flew

then I was at a lake, a perfectly round glowing lake, with chaos zero
someone else was 'reading' this in third person, like a report, like a story
I had a lotus on my head, like a seedrian, and my red wings still
we were looking at the lake and then chaos turned to me and
he said "I love you"
and we kissed
and I remember wanting to fall into him like an ocean forever and

I don't think he's ever said he loved me in a dream before

so remember this
prismaticbleed: (angel)

When we excuse our sin, we volunteer our defense attorney for a thief who wants to kill us.

Don Straka

There is NEVER an excuse for sin, other than rebellion against/ rejection of God, either through willful ignorance or willful disobedience.

Once you know Christ, once you know God through Christ, sin becomes terrifying, abominable, and unthinkable. When we are convicted of our sins, we rejoice to abandon them and do good! Even if it’s scary to let go, as we still live in sinful flesh, we must trust in God’s righteousness and mercy.

The devil will always try to lead us away from God. God loves us, and wants us to turn from wickedness and live. But the devil hates God and so if we are God’s children, then the devil wants us to die. Remember this, always, when you are tempted to sin, and when you are tempted to “justify” a transgression. There is no justification in anything or anyone besides Jesus, who died to accomplish that for us. Could you really pick up the nails and pierce his hands all over again, every time you want to say “it’s okay” to a sin? Only Christ has the right and ability to pardon! And He will never say sin is okay, because it is not. Instead, Jesus says, “I will bear the judgment of your sins so that you can be freed from sin, washed clean in My Blood, and therefore made new to live with Me in grace.” In the shadow of the Cross, sin is an existential horror.

Do not excuse your sins, especially if you are afraid of admitting that you sinned. Humble yourself and confess. Pride and perfectionism are also devilish and they will destroy your soul. All humans are mortal, flawed, and sinful. You are no exception. Admit this, break your ego, and turn to Christ. Such honesty and surrender are the only options we have against that murderous thief, as they are the only ways we can let Christ in to defend us– after all, if we insist we’ve done nothing wrong, then we falsely claim there’s nothing to be defended against. Claim that enough, and soon enough, you will find yourself bleeding to death from a thousand attempts on your life that you refused to see as such.

Admit your sin. Bring it to light. Confess it totally, and confess your sinful weaknesses. Refuse to make excuses for what merited our Lord’s death. Refuse to sugarcoat poison, and refuse to feebly try to sand the edges off the guillotine your head is under. You will still die, for sin is still sin, no matter how much you try to paint it pretty colors. The snake is still a snake. Drop the apple. It’s not worth it.

 

pidgieowl: do you ever want to just curl up in God’s arms and not move for a long time?

telemache: have u tried Adoration?

Adoration is effectively curling up in each others arms. Jesus waits for us in the Tabernacle, full of love, and when we meet him there in silent heartfelt worship, we’re honestly recieving more that we can ever hope to return. But we’re still there to accompany Him– to “watch with Him one hour” (Matthew 26:40), to simply be with Him for His pure sake.

So absolutely, go to Adoration! Let God hold you, and cling to Him just as ardently in grateful return. He is waiting for you!


“You must be pretty dang important if the devil is fighting this hard to keep you down and out of the equation.”

— Just a thought for those of you who need it

It’s not about me. It’s about how important Christ is.

The devil is only “fighting to keep me down” because Christ has called me to be His. If Christ had not chosen me as His own, the devil wouldn’t care about keeping me down because I wouldn’t be on God’s side of the battlefield.

So remember this. If the devil is indeed doing his best to crush and offend and mock and hurt you, trying to lead you astray and confuse you, it’s not because YOU’RE important. It’s because Christ is important, and Christ wants you for His own.

In short I’m just emphasizing humility. We’re mortal, but we’re beloved of God– when our hearts respond to His, and obey Him through His grace through His Son, and thus enter into friendship with Him. In the end, God is all that matters, and even the devil knows that– although he hates that fact. And that’s what the war is about. Not me.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.” (Galatians 6:14)


"So you see how the grace of God is the most dangerous thing in the world. Even if Satan manages to whip you, under grace you can still get up immediately and start over. You have no satisfactory excuse to remain fallen because God forgives you. You have one option: Get up! Over and over and over and over again, until you learn to stand firm. Quitting will never again be a viable option for you. That’s why the Bible says that the just man (justified in Christ, remember) gets up as often as he falls. In the formation of godly character, this is foundational."  

-Jeff Harkins

 

Over and over and over and over again, until you learn to stand firm.

 

Getting back up and trying again, in God’s grace, is actually a huge fruit of humility. Pride, paradoxically, wallows in guilt and refuses to get up. Pride expects perfection and when we inevitably fall– for we are all sinners– Pride is offended and resists this truth. But humility sees its fall, and mourns its sin, then looks to Christ, and rejoices in its hope… and it is HUMILITY that gets back up, over and over and over again, leaning on Christ’s grace TO get up and try again, for it is ONLY in Him that we are even able to persevere. Don’t let the devil fool you! All men have fallen, but Christ has been raised up! So when you feel dead in sin, look to God, my friends– He forgives, He restores, He strengthens! Leave your sin in the dirt, leave it in the grave that the devil insists is yours– no; we have been given hope through grace, and now our destiny is above, with Christ! So rise with Him, and keep walking!


“If we are true Christians, we must not expect everything smooth in our journey to heaven. We must count it no strange thing, if we have to endure sicknesses, losses, bereavements, and disappointments, just like other men. Free pardon and full forgiveness, grace along the way, and glory at the endall this our Savior has promised to give. But He has never promised that we shall have no afflictions.”

— J.C. Ryle

In fact, Jesus has “promised” the exact opposite! John 15 and 16 are strikingly clear on this.

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me. If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin; but now they have no excuse for their sin. Whoever hates me hates my Father as well. If I had not done among them the works no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. As it is, they have seen, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: ‘They hated me without reason.’ (John 15:18-25)

But there is also comfort, in the hope we have in Christ, and ultimately in heaven with Him–

“All this I have told you so that you will not fall away. They will put you out of the synagogue; in fact, the time is coming when anyone who kills you will think they are offering a service to God. They will do such things because they have not known the Father or me. I have told you this, so that when their time comes you will remember that I warned you about them… Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy… I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:1-4, 20-22, 33)

So first and foremost, we must remember that the world– the fallen world, the evil that does not recognize Christ– hates us, as we are His disciples. So this fact alone guarantees that we will experience pain in this life, for the sake of our faith. In Acts 14:22, we read, “We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God.” This was after Paul had nearly been stoned to death for having preached the Gospel– and refused to stop preaching it even so! We, too, must be so dedicated, even in little ways. We may not have our literal lives on the line for the sake of the faith– God willing– but we are still called to stand strong in all afflictions, even if “In [our] struggle against sin, [we] have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.” (Hebrews 12:4)

But this brings us, now, to the second reason for suffering in our lives– it is a consequence of our sins! Yes, even we who are in Christ still stumble and fall. But take heart– God has not abandoned us to this, and never will. We can only reject His help, and I pray that we never do… as I also pray that we never reject his corrections for those sins, which are– yes– in the form of “afflictions.” Yet this is not “evil!” It is simply painful. The only evil is the transgression which caused it; God simply chastises us, as any concerned parent would, to bring us back into a disciplined, obedient state of mind, in which we shall have peace and true freedom.

“And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children… God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12: 4-7, 10-11)

Now we find a third element to suffering in this life– there is a noted difference between suffering via active persecution (1), suffering via chastisement/ consequence for wrongdoing (2), and suffering via passive, universal pain (3). The first is because of our faith. The second is because of our lack of faith. But the whole world experiences the third, regardless of their faith or lack thereof. Things such as sickness, loss, bereavement, and disappointments are not inherently “bad.” Yes, we may experience them as chastisement, but this is God’s application, which we must meekly acquiesce and admit to when we discern it in humility. But we must also remember that God can use these same things as a different sort of discipline– as a means of further increasing of virtue and grace in us. And this is where I like to make a distinction between suffering and pain. Pain is a part of this mortal life, and we will experience it, inevitably, as long as we are in this mortal life. But it is through Christ that we have the grace and faith and peace to endure this pain without ‘suffering,’ as in Him, we know that we have a greater hope. These afflictions are not eternal, and cannot be. Not only that, but God can transmute them by His grace if we open our hearts in faith to let Him do so! “And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) Sickness can increase our patience, and our dependence on God, and our charity for others. Loss can free us from undue attachments, and refocus us on higher things. Bereavement is an expression of charity at heart, and indeed Jesus also wept– but when we recall that death is not the end for us in Christ, we can rejoice in knowing that we will see them again when we join them in the life to come, and rest in Christ’s peace until then. As for disappointments, what can be disappointing when we surrender our will to God, and seek His will in all things, knowing that, indeed, only what He allows will occur? All of this virtue comes to us through His grace, and transforms all the little hardships of life into shares of His Cross, lifting us up through Him, To Him, By Him, and For Him.

To revisit wisdom from Deuteronomy:

“You must carefully follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and multiply, and enter and possess the land the LORD swore to your fathers. Remember that these forty years the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness, so that He might humble you and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commandments. He humbled you, and in your hunger He gave you manna to eat, which neither you nor your fathers had known, so that you might understand that man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD… So know in your heart that just as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, walking in His ways and fearing Him.” (Deuteronomy 8: 1-3, 5-6)

Although this speaks of literal truth to literal Israel, we who are adopted children of God through Christ may also see a symbolic truth to our lives here: God still humbles and tests us, to know what is in our hearts, and to see if we will persevere in His grace to keep His commandments! This is how we grow in virtue. And this is the vital distinction between “suffering at God’s hand” and “suffering for the sake of God.” We must be obedient and humble. Our discipline is meant to refine us like gold. But we must not let pride creep in, when our afflictions become easier to bear. Because Scripture continues: “When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise… You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.If you ever forget the Lord your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed.” (Deuteronomy 8:10-12, 17-18) Our deliverance from hardship and affliction, whether it be physical (wealth, health, etc.) or internal (patience to endure illness, poverty, etc.), is always by the grace of God, never by our own power. So yes, just like other men, we will experience pain– but Christ has promised us deliverance through Him, and so when we find ourselves able to bear pain, and obey discipline, and therefore decrease the “suffering” in our pain, we must remember that this is a divine gift, and remain humble. 

Lastly, when we do stumble, when we do fall into pride, when we do suffer chastisements for our mistakes, then yes, we must remember that although God never promised us a pain-free life, He did promise us a Way out of suffering– through His Son. Go to Him with a contrite heart and He will give you forgiveness and pardon. He will give you grace to persevere. He will continue to lead you on towards His ultimate glory, and your sharing in it through increasing unity with Him. Obey the Lord, and when we fail at that– for we are weak humans even so– admit it, humbly and fully, and plead forgiveness. It shall be given to us, as sincerely as we ask for it. This is the true way to take the suffering out of pain… by putting it in God’s hands. He alone is our comfort and our rest. So yes, this world is full of troubles, but Christ has overcome the world. And Christ is with us always. So take heart, fellow Christians. His promise is sufficient.


“Thank God that He does not give up on people like we do. There is not a stronghold, not a bondage, not a spirit that you are caught up in that God cannot bring you out”

— Carl Lentz

Once God calls us, He does not “take it back.” God is unchanging, and God is Good, and God loves His people, and God is sovereign. For His Name’s sake, He will persevere in our salvation, if we have faith in Him, and so let His work bear fruit in our lives.

These verses from Jeremiah speaks strongly, albeit symbolically, to us in the present age, caught up in “spiritual captivity”–

“This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” (Jeremiah 29:10-14)

No matter how long we may be in a time of exile, no matter how long we may feel lost or abandoned, this is untrue. God is faithful. God will bring us back, in His Good Time.

And again, from the prophet Isaiah:

“But you, Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:8-14)

We Christians, in the eyes of Saint Paul, are seen as spiritual descendants of Abraham– “those who have faith are children of Abraham. Scripture foresaw that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, and announced the gospel in advance to Abraham: “All nations will be blessed through you.” So those who rely on faith are blessed along with Abraham, the man of faith… So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.” (Galatians 3:7-9, 26-29) I include this because it, again, emphasizes that we have been chosen by God to be His people, we who were formerly strangers to Him. “I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one. ’I will say to those called ‘Not my people,’ ‘You are my people’; and they will say, ‘You are my God.’ ” (Hosea 2:23)  This is a great comfort for me, and I hope it is for you, too– it speaks of us as children of God, as adopted sons and daughters, as heirs of His Promises, when previously, in our exile of sin and unbelief, we were indeed strangers and enemies to Him, who is now our Father.

It is because of this adoption, because of this choosing by God, that we are never left alone, that He never gives up on us, because He has promised to be faithful to us from of old. Even if we are unfaithful, as Israel was all through Scripture, God never abandoned them, and He never will. We, who are now counted among their number in spirit through Christ, are also kept in His thoughts, for His Glory. And for that same divine Sake, God will deliver us from bondage, and will carry us through our struggles, even if the struggle itself seems to continue! This is a vital distinction, and to elucidate it, I must mention Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians–

“…God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body… Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:6-11, 16-18)

God’s deliverance is sure, but take note– His deliverance may not always be evident on the “outside!” But in our hearts, we feel His freedom, without any doubt. We may still endure hardships, we may still battle temptations, we may still face persecution… but in all of these situations, we are not locked in sin’s stronghold. We are not in bondage to darkness. We are not caught up by evil spirits. For God, through Christ, HAS delivered us from death. Even in struggles, we no longer struggle, if we are resting in Christ’s grace. Hardships become sources of patient faith, of rejoicing in His deliverance, of turning to His strength for freedom. Nothing is impossible with God, and the entire Bible attests to this, in profound beauty and hope.

 

I know you are tired. I know you are physically and emotionally drained. But you have to keep going. God will see this through!

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.“

Psalm 27 and Psalm 31 are very good to turn to in times like this. ❤

Life is tough. God knows this; Jesus knows this firsthand! We will have days on this earth where we are utterly exhausted inside and out, wracked with tears or too tired to even sigh. God is with us in all of it. He is always with us. If we humbly set our eyes and hearts to seeking Him, and on living in a way pleasing to Him, then no matter what hardships we may face, He will carry us through!

“Love the Lord, all his faithful people! The Lord preserves those who are true to him, but the proud he pays back in full. Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”

May we all endure to the end, by His grace!

“Someone has suggested that when you can’t sleep at night, instead of counting sheep, talk to the Shepherd.”

Warren Wiersbe

I have to post @marquiscrocker​‘s reply: “When you can’t sleep, intercede for others, that time of night may be your slot on Gods duty roster.”

I really, really love that. We’re all sheep in His flock. He loves all of us. We’ve gotta love each other too!

So… do both. Count your fellow sheep, as it were, and talk to the Shepherd on their behalf. Not only is that a beautiful exercise in patience and humble love, but it’ll re-focus your tired mind on something truly peace-giving, and if anything is going to help you rest, it’s drawing near to the God of Comfort Himself.


 

“Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

 …“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Art - He Who Is Without Sin - Jeff Ward.

For all have sinned and fall short the glory of God

“… and all are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” (Romans 3:23-24)

And an equally vital continuation of this hope & truth:

“What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.” (Romans 6:1-7)

Jesus saves us from being “stoned to death” for our sins, and– in a glorious paradox– invites us to instead crucify our sinful nature itself, meekly and willingly as He did, and therefore enter into a new life with Him– a new life in which we are to “sin no more” by His grace.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you  free from the law of sin and death… if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.” (Romans 8:1-2, 13)

I just really, really love this story, and the epistles that elaborate on its essence. It is so rich with meaning, with solemn hope and corrective joy. Thanks be to God.


Anonymous asked: im gay what do i do

Pray about it, dear friend. Pray for grace, courage, self-forgiveness, patience, discernment, humility, and a heart open to change.

I believe that homosexuality is unnatural, as it opposes the purpose of sexuality in nature. But I cannot deny that homosexual inclinations exist in humans. I myself experienced them for most of my life. However, God can do anything. I surrendered my struggle into His hands, and prayed that He deliver me from it. And it took YEARS, but He ultimately did deliver me out of it… after several great ordeals that anchored in my deliverance, mind you. Trust His timing, and His judgment. If you pray for something that He wills to give you, He will give it to you… when it’s time. Until then, we wait with hope.

You are not defined by your sexual struggles. Your identity does not revolve around “being gay” or even “being straight.” Our identity as human beings is anchored in our being creations of God. We are made in His image, for His Good Purposes, and as Christians, we are called to become NEW creations through Christ Jesus, by faith and grace, leaving behind earthly ways and adopting heavenly ways in following His example. And that is what we must always turn to at the end of the day– our true identity lies in Christ, not in anything mortal and changeable and flawed. So let go of the attachment to the label– to all labels. Pray for God’s will to be done– whatever it may be in this case! Whether He allow you to be converted, or to be given the grace of celibacy, that is up to Him. But keep praying, and trusting, and surrendering. Have faith. That’s key.

I hope that’s a decent answer. Sexual sins and struggles are a heavy cross, and there are no easy responses to questions about them, at least not from fellow humans.

God bless you, friend. You are loved by your Creator and Savior even now; rest in that, and then bravely move forwards in the same.


No matter who you are, what you’ve done, or where you’ve been, you can always come to Jesus. It isn’t too late for you.

Until the end of our earthly lives, the door of hope and salvation stands open to us, and our Lord calls us incessantly! It’s never too late, but don’t put it off. We are never guaranteed tomorrow. Return to Him with all your heart, in every moment. We all slip and stumble, but Christ is always extending His hand to pick us back up. Come to Him! He will never cast out a sincere and contrite heart.

 

my–darling–dear: You don’t invite Christ into your heart. He invites you into His.

banana-with-a-bow-tie: He doesn’t need our acceptance. We need His. It’s like walking up to a country club and shouting “I accept you! I am now a member!” We receive His grace as a gift when we surrender ourselves and submit to His authority

I think it’s a bit of both?

“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. This I command you, that you love one another. If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you, ‘A slave is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you; if they kept My word, they will keep yours also. But all these things they will do to you for My name’s sake, because they do not know the One who sent Me.” (John 15:12-21)

Similarly, in 1 John 4 (7-11): “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”

Love, in God and so in Christ, seeks mutuality. Jesus has accepted us, IN His choosing us. So that grace is ready and waiting for us to accept, to let in to our hearts. Jesus has already invited us in to His Heart.

But that’s why I posted the full context of those verses! The divine paradox is that, we need Christ’s invitation FIRST in order to respond, and invite Him into our hearts in return! We have been chosen out of the world to be His friends, to love Him and love one another in His name, by His example. He wants this for us, and for Himself. He wants us to respond in mutual friendship and love. He wants us to invite Him in, too, and that gives Him great joy!

No, He doesn’t need our acceptance, as His power is sovereign and His love is unconditional. But God is also unfathomably intimate, and in His meekness, He also wants us to imitate His humble, compassionate desire for unity, and treat both our neighbors and our God with Christian friendship.

That’s my take on it, as a Catholic. My faith places a great emphasis on Christ specifically seeking us, which is what enables us to seek Him. We can’t sincerely say, “Christ, I invite you to come and dwell in my heart” unless He has first given us the grace TO say such a thing. That sort of yearning for a relationship with Him is divinely inspired, and I firmly believe God wants that from us, whom He has chosen.

 

“And all those who seek in me a father, will find in me a father. And those who seek in me a mother, will find in me a mother. And those who seek in me a husband, will find in me a husband. And those who seek in me a bride, will find in me a bride. And those who seek in me a brother, or a friend, or a neighbor, or a companion, likewise will find in me everything they desire…”

Madre Juana de la Cruz, speaking in the voice of Jesus

A few Bible verses come to mind:

And Peter said, “Behold, we have left our own homes, and followed You.” And [Jesus] said to them, “Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who shall not receive many times as much at this time and in the age to come, eternal life.”“ (Luke 18:28-30)

"While He was still speaking to the multitudes, behold, His mother and brothers were standing outside, seeking to speak to Him. And someone said to Him, “Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside seeking to speak to You.” But He answered the one who was telling Him and said, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” And stretching out His hand toward His disciples, He said, “Behold, My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:46-50)

We are called to forsake all worldly things for the sake of the Kingdom of God, to seek all joy and fulfillment in God alone, for indeed there is none to be found anywhere else! But in this view, isn’t it true that Jesus Christ is not only our food, our home, and our native land, but also our brother, sister, mother, father, husband, wife, and dearest friend? If God is all things, then He is indeed all things for His people. If we seek worldly fulfillment, how will we be satisfied with Heaven, in the Presence of God, where all of this world will be taken from us anyway, replaced with He Who Is infinitely greater?

And again, in Matthew, we see the tender and powerful mutuality of Christ’s love for us. He wants to be our All, and truly He is, but– and this is my humble opinion– He also wants Us to be willing to cooperate with Him in being all for Him! And how do we do this? By uniting ourselves with Him and doing His Will. And since He implores us all to do this, He effectively calls us TO be "His mother and brothers,” as well as His friend (John 15:15), and His spouse (John 3:29; Ephesians 5:32). We are called to be examples of Christ to each other, no matter what our calling in life may be, and in this, Christ is able to become “all to all,” in the great unitive mystery of the Church, which is both His Body and His Bride.

I hope I am not speaking out of turn with this. I am just deeply moved by the extent of God’s love, by “the breadth and length and height and depth” of it, and by His constant invitation to us to share in it in every aspect of our lives.

“You made the heavens and the stars, and still You want my heart.”

— (via fallinhisarms)

He made our hearts, too– they’re rightfully His! But the stars don’t have free will; they cannot choose to love Him back; they cannot choose to give their hearts in a responsive gesture of overwhelming mutual love. That is the blessed grace we have been given. “We love because He first loved us.” And yet nothing is forced. God owns our hearts, but He still waits for us to give them. There’s a mysterious beauty in that, and I cannot ponder it enough.

Metanoia: (n.) the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self or way of life; spiritual conversion.

 Defined as “penitence, spiritual conversion,” from Greek 'metanoia’ : "afterthought, repentance,“ from metanoein "to change one’s mind or purpose”… one of my all-time favorite words. It’s when the key turns in one’s heart, and the door to the light opens… and everything is illuminated, transformed forever.

 

manda-kat: Quick reminder: Stop putting that thing, that person, that idea, whatever it is, stop putting it above God. Stop making it your life. Put God first. If you build your life on him, your life will never fall apart. If you put your life on something that you can’t possibly hold forever, a person, a thing, a place, then… What’ll you do when it leaves? What’ll you do if you don’t have it anymore?

God is the rock on which you need to build your reality. Everything else is sinking sand. Enjoy what’s around you, take part in the riches of the earth, but don’t rely on it for your joy.

Rely on God, the only thing that is guaranteed. The only steady anchor. The only way.

I can strongly attest to this. In my past, every time I tried to anchor my present & future on something other than God Himself– whether it was my artistic creations, my music business, my education, my family, my relationships, or whatever else– He would drastically and unquestionably show me how ultimately shallow it all was, in and of itself. All of those things were taken away from me. All of them crashed and burned… until God handed me Himself as a new foundation, and told me, “Rebuild.”

God is the One Way. God is the True Anchor. God is the sole thing in the universe that is eternal and guaranteed, the single and only source of Good. When we build our lives around Him, we find genuine peace and joy and success, no matter what the world may claim or say otherwise. In God, everything is made complete. Without God… everything is empty.

 

hearts-not-troubled:

Everywhere I turn, the devil tries to take me down.
He whispers lies to my ears. As I try to drown out his voice, he enters my thoughts; inch by inch seeping through, till I am overcome.
He discourages. He accuses. I feel so worthless. So dirty.
My sin overflows. It clouds my judgment. It covers me in black.
I feel hopeless. Am I hopeless?
I close my eyes for a moment.
Why have I been looking around me? I should be looking towards God. I should focus my eyes on Him. For He is the Author and the Perfecter of my faith.
My God, in whom I trust.
He is my refuge. He is my strength. My Savior and my God.
As I uncover my ears, I hear the lies. I hear it. But I don’t listen to it anymore. I know the truth.
Yeshua, You are Truth.
You have washed my sins away.
I feel so unworthy yet my joy overflows.
Your peace takes my every thought captive to Your will.
I am clean.
I have hope. Elohim, You are my Hope.

I, too, need to remember this truth. I feel so filthy, so evil, so wrong. But God has not abandoned me. He still loves me, as impossible as that seems to my contrite and weeping heart. I must remember His Truth, His Mercy. God forgive me for my despair. Help me. Help me anchor my hope in You.

 

Choose Christ every day.

Choose Christ every moment, even! Life in this world is spiritual warfare. We constantly slip and stumble. With every single beat of our heart, we must recommit to Christ.

Mighty and merciful God, grant us all the grace to unceasingly choose You above all things!

 

you’re not forgotten—God thinks about you

you’re not worthless—Jesus died for you

you’re not alone—God is with you

you’re not unlovable—Jesus loves you

This is all ETERNALLY TRUE! The devil will lie to us and falsely insist otherwise. Satan will claim that God has abandoned us, that He has forgotten us, that our sins are so great that not even Christ could forgive or love us. THAT IS ALL FALSE!

God IS LOVE. Therefore God cannot help but love us, and forgive us, and think of us, and Be with us… for that is His very nature! The devil is incapable of love so he cannot understand this, and refuses to even acknowledge it. But in our hearts, we know better. We have the Truth of Scripture, of God’s promises.

On your darkest days, when you feel utterly lost and alone and afraid… remember this. God is still there. God is ALWAYS there, like the sun shining even behind a tornado cloud. Turn to Him, seek Him with your entire heart, and even if you can’t see Him, rest in perfect assurance that He will meet you there. Have faith. ❤

 

thesovereignword: “Come as you are” does not mean that God is okay with whatever sins are currently in our lives and we don’t have to worry about repenting of them.

“Come as you are” just means not to let your current sins prevent you from coming before God because of shame. It means coming to God as you are (in repentance) and expecting to be radically changed by Him through the power of the Holy Spirit and molded into the image of His Son.

I feel that Isaiah 1 puts this joint warning and relief in stark clarity.

“Woe to the sinful nation… They have forsaken the Lord; they have spurned the Holy One of Israel and turned their backs on him… When you spread out your hands in prayer, I hide my eyes from you; even when you offer many prayers, I am not listening. Your hands are full of blood! Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight; stop doing wrong. Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow. “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good things of the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword… Zion will be delivered with justice, her penitent ones with righteousness. But rebels and sinners will both be broken, and those who forsake the Lord will perish.”

Following this, there is this passage from 1 Corinthians 6:

“…Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: [no doers of evil] will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”

So yes, come as you are, but come to Him in order to be CHANGED. For if we do not, we will be destroyed by the very sins we cling to. Just remember– God is WILLING and WANTING to change us for the better! Please, do turn to Him, and go to Him, just as you are! He knows our sin already; if we truly repent and offer that repentance to Him, He will wash us clean of it, white as snow!

Many people believe quality of life only exists in the possessions and wealth collected in this lifetime. True legacy is what lasts for eternity.
God’s Word reminds us that we’re called to build our legacy on His truth and that “the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever.” Psalm 112:6. Think about how you’ll be remembered—by loved ones, by your community, your children and grandchildren.
“More than anything else let them know where you stand with the Lord Jesus Christ, for this will be your lasting legacy.”
Our days are numbered. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.”
—Billy Graham

Today is the International Day Of Families. The family is the basic unit of society, the microcosm of the public macrocosm, and it is within the family that all change and progress has its roots– as well as all trouble and stagnation. The health of a nation’s families ultimately affects the health of the entire world… and that health starts within our souls. Who better to turn to then, but the Divine Physician Himself?

The legacies we leave behind to our children indeed affect the very fabric of our global community, and that effect determines whether or not we are building the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth. Today, let us be aware of our precious time and influence, and use it for His Glory. May we choose eternal truth over temporal distractions, and may we live our lives in a holy way that inspires our children, friends, and neighbors to do the same.

God bless all families!
 

“I believe [sin] has no substance or real existence. It can only be known by the pain it causes. This pain is something, as I see it, which lasts but a while. It purges us and makes us know ourselves, so that we ask for mercy.”

— Julian of Norwich, Revelations of Divine Love (transl. Clifton Wolters)

The way I see it, is that sin is the absence of God. But God IS. God is literally That Which EXISTS, the Creator and Cause of all things. Therefore, sin is effectively temporal. It cannot exist in the Presence of God– in that state we call Heaven. But here on Earth, with our free will and ignorance, we can experience a blindness to God’s Presence, an unconsciousness of His Truth, and in such an artificial “absence of God” sin can and does occur, Lord have mercy on us poor souls.

But the pain can indeed move us to look up, to seek Truth, to seek Love, to beg Mercy. Suffering has been sanctified by Christ as a way to lead us to His Cross, should we humbly accept it as such. Feeling that terrible ache of sin, realizing the gulf it puts between us and God, indeed may tempt us to despair– but fear not! Look to Christ! Hope in Him! He is calling you out of sin’s lie and into God’s Truth! Crucify your sinful self by the Grace of His Pure Love. “It is finished.” Sin will not, and cannot, last forever. God’s Mercy is the exit door from doom. Go to Him!

"And this is the marvel of marvels; that He called me Beloved."  -C.S. Lewis

And He wants us to call Him Beloved too.
Marvel of marvels, that the Author of Creation loves us so truly that He desires a personal relationship with us.

 

"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true."  - Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl

As always, reflect on this truth– this is how God loves us, through Christ Jesus, and this is how Jesus calls us to love each other.
This is why I am joyfully Catholic. This is how God works His plan of salvation; this is how sinners become saints; this is the truth of Creation itself… all of it, the very Kingdom of God, is built on this love.


"There is always something left to love."   

-Gabriel García Márquez One Hundred Years Of Solitude

This is one of the most joyously beautiful truths I can imagine.

In the tiny things of life, in the pain and hurt and doubt… in the grandeur of creation, in the awe and wonder and vastness… Always! There is always more to love!
Creation is infinite and so is love; so is our calling to give it, to receive it, to live in it. God loves us with an endless love; may we reflect that back to God, in every atom of His Creation, and especially in every fellow soul we meet.



"I have always loved everything about you. Even what I didn’t understand."  

- Albert Camus

This is how we should love both God and our fellow man.
Our understanding is so limited. Our minds will never know everything. But our hearts do not need to. Truth speaks beyond what thought can grasp, and pierces directly to our inmost comprehension. Our hearts resonate with it.
All we need to know is love. All we need to understand is love. Everything else will follow.


"You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them."   -

Ellen Hopkins, Impulse

This is profoundly loving.

I believe this is one of the most sincere ways we can reflect back the ultimate Good of God, of Christ, to our fellow man. May we have the grace to be “good things” in the lives of others, to be little lights carrying the Light to all.
God loves us all, for He Is Love. May we do the same, just this simply, just this deeply.


“The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.”

Kamryn Clark

This is how God loves us! Let that truth sink in; its beauty and profundity is heartwrenchingly joyous.

Equally beautiful is this second truth– This love, this divinely merciful love, is the love we are all called to reflect back to each other. We are divinely called to love all our fellow human beings with this sacrificial love, both friends and enemies alike.

“…I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Matthew 5:44-45)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Never limit your prayers because you think you’re sinful or undeserving. You’re not praying because of who you are - you’re praying because of who He is.

The “Our Father” itself, a prayer Jesus personally taught us, includes all of this– not only an admission of our sinfulness but also a plea for forgiveness and grace… not only admission of God’s ultimate power and greatness, but also admission of His deigning to be addressed as Our Father… not despite, but blessedly for the sake of, our weakness. We are like helpless unlearned children, yes, but He yearns to call us His children. This alone speaks volumes.

God knows we’re sinners; every human is. And yes, we are undeserving of all the good He gives us. But that’s the point– humbly recognizing and acknowledging our lowly state, while also humbly recognizing and acknowledging God’s unfathomable Love and Mercy for us in Christ Jesus, is what opens our hearts to not only receive His generosity, but to also pray to Him– to personally speak and listen to Him– in gratitude and joy and sorrow and fear and confusion and all the other states of our lives.

God is Good. God is just and merciful, loving and disciplinary, trustworthy and mysterious. He created the stars and our fingernails. He is Our Father, and I believe that he truly loves to hear our prayers, just as any loving parent loves to hear the sweet voices of their little ones, turning to them with simple pure hearts.

“Rejoice at all times. Pray without ceasing. Give thanks in every circumstance, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

When one day I resolved to practice a certain virtue, I lapsed into the vice opposed to that virtue ten times more frequently than on other days. In the evening, I was reflecting on why, today, I had lapsed so extraordinarily, and I heard the words: You were counting too much on yourself and too little on Me. And I understood the cause of my lapses.
- Saint Faustina, Diary 1087

Christ is the fount and source of all virtue, so if we indeed want to increase in virtue, we must allow Christ to increase in us first. Without Him we are literally powerless. Humility is essential.

I struggle with this daily too, dear Faustina. Thank you for sharing with us the lessons our beloved Lord has so blessed you with, that we too may grow in loving holiness.

 

042419

Apr. 24th, 2019 08:18 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


I'm really, really depressed today. I'm having a religious-existential crisis again and I just want to cry. I'm scared. I want to die but I don't. I really need to type this out.

Since the disaster of NC, I've had a lot to think about, notably these things:
1. Realizing how easily I can pretend to be someone I'm not, to make someone else "happy."
2. Realizing that I am not transgendered, but my "alters" were.
...

I don’t hate TBAS. I love them, but their lifestyle is unhealthy for me, and living with them did not allow me to question or analyze myself in comparison to that.


Things that I constantly see on Tumblr that confuse and frighten me because I don't understand:
1. "Christian witches"
2. LGBTQIA+ individuals insisting that "Jesus was gay/ trans*/ etc." when I feel it is blasphemous to focus on His "sexual orientation"
3.




I'm afraid of sex. I admit that.
I do not want it. It is a frightening, painful thing.

I have no idea whether or not I'm "attracted" to anyone or if it's all societal programming.
I can say folks are "handsome" or "pretty" but the thought of marrying someone, having children with them, etc. is terrifying to me still. I love people, but that sort of sexual relationship is alien to me.

I don't know what happened to my relationship with Chaos Zero.
I want to weep just typing that. (I am. Two seconds and I'm in heartrending tears.)
I still dream about him, all the time.

I gave my plush doll of him to TBAS and I waited on that for weeks because I couldn't bear to let go of it. But my heart said, "don't become attached to material things. Don't focus your love on an object, for anyone or anything. Love in spirit, the way God wants you to love Him, and all things." In other words, "Love the person in the photograph so truly that if the photo was burned you would not cry."

I'm still weeping.
I haven't spoken much to anyone "in headspace" since moving back out here, because I realized too late that the way we were functioning in NC was utterly contrary to our mode of existence. We were NEVER MEANT TO FRONT. And we were NEVER MEANT TO BE "HUMAN." We were never meant to "live as individuals" outside of our soul and the fact that we felt obligated to for over a year basically murdered us.

Which reminds me. One of the few things I remember reading on TBAS's journal recently-- as I did log on a few times to check on them-- was them having a sort of personal "epiphany" that I, as the Lotus Cathedral, was "not special" as a System-- that Lynne was "just an orange girl," that Laurie was "just a punk-type person," etc.
And… when I read that, I literally laughed out loud, and cried with relief.
If THAT is how they saw us, then THEY NEVER KNEW US AT ALL.
That… that's such a blatantly absolute misunderstanding of our System's very HEART. Lynne was NEVER a "girl who liked violins"-- she was a personification of femininity and our lost future AS a woman who was expected to be a musician. She was NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE "A GIRL." Similarly, Laurie was NEVER just someone "who liked axes"-- she was a personification of our love=pain complex and she carried that heavy weapon to BEHEAD US for our sins. Lynne became orange as her role became more joyful, and Laurie became purple as her role became less bitter. EVERYTHING ABOUT US IS SPIRITUAL and the very thought that we were, at any time, even able to live as "physical people" is actually personally nauseating because it stands in such total opposition to our purpose. And to realize, suddenly, that TBAS never realized that, that they wanted us to "live as a System" in the way THEY did, in the world… suddenly we understood why they treated us so bizarrely according to our criteria, why we never truly got along deep down, why we never truly saw eye to eye-- and why we had to DEVELOP SOCIALS TO PLAY THOSE ROLES WHILE WE WERE IN NC. We wondered for ages why the Socials suddenly became the main folks fronting-- but we never realized that it was because ONLY SOCIALS ARE EVEN SUPPOSED TO FRONT, and if TBAS was expecting us to "live OUTWARDLY as a multiple," then it was literally inevitable that ONLY THE SOCIALS COULD DO THAT.
So we broke. We were no longer able to live inside, to live as us, and we became something totally new and unhealthy and thankfully temporary in order to fit TBAS's criteria instead. I see that now, and it allows me to-- at the most general level, but nevertheless-- forgive us both for our absolutely blind and ignorant and blind and appeasing and insincere behavior, because neither of us even realized who the other person WAS.
So I can let go of that totally now, again, bit by bit, because I can see that whoever I was with TBAS was not the true me and I never knew the true them, either, as a result. The key to forgiveness is Christ's prayer-- "for they know not what they do"-- and truly, we didn't. So that moves me to sad compassion, and motivates me to never repeat that mistake of ignorance in the future. May I have the grace to see when I am committing such huge wrongs in blindness, so that I may STOP and AMEND my life immediately.


Oh, by the way. TBAS also, at some point, made a comment that we were "like Justice" (the Jewel Monster) but we only read like, one line into that sentence, because similarly to the above, as soon as we began to read their explanation it hit us like a truck that THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE SAYING. And I laughed because oh my gosh THEY NEVER KNEW THE FULL STORY. They never knew!! No wonder every time "Revenge" came out in their System our stomach turned and we felt like angrily sobbing-- it's because he was born from a COMPLETELY FALSE IDEA OF NOT ONLY HIS PERSON, BUT HIS HISTORY.
The file that TBAS latched onto about him was written by a hacker for the EXPLICIT PURPOSE OF SKEWING THEIR RELATIONSHIP so that hackers could make us think that ALL relationships were sexual. They did this with LOTS of Leagueworlds at the time, and we have since purged ALL of that terrifying slander, including that DW file that, for unknown reasons, was kept.
But not only that, TBAS had no idea how the original Justice/Revenge event ENDED. I saw it all at once in 2005 while listening to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, and it basically went like this… Justice had an "alter ego" named Revenge that was born as a result of his being exposed to the corrupt "justice" in the human world, which he had entered AS A PROPHET
to try and call people to repentance, a la the Bible. But Justice got confused and corrupted in the process because he ISOLATED himself there, gradually starving off his roots to his World, and messing him up in the same way any Christian would be messed up if they stopped going to Mass. Anyway, Devonexx-- the Dream World version of Satan-- was also visiting the human world to try and do the opposite of Justice-- trying to corrupt people's minds and kill those who opposed him and all sorts of awful things-- and in that process he found Justice, who was now emitting a dual Virtue/Vice signature as he corrupted, but this duality is a RARE and DANGEROUS occurrence in a Jewel Monster because as long as it is dual, SO IS THEIR SELF. So he found Justice, and cruelly "overloaded" him with Vicious energy (which is a thing you can do in canon), to try and force him "over the fence" and lock his signature into a Vice. WHICH HE SUCCEEDED IN DOING-- and there was Revenge. HOWEVER. Such an awful event could not happen without the DW Guardians finding out, so the WHOLE GANG was there trying to stop him-- and so was Jewel Lightraye with the FIRST SYSTEM OUTSPACERS-- Bakura and Marik. SERIOUSLY. So when Justice became Revenge, they ALL tried to talk him out of it, by attesting to virtue and light and love and truth, but REVENGE WOULDN'T LISTEN. Remember he was a CORRUPTION OF JUSTICE so his entire mindset is based upon mangling the truth. His existence was born of a hopeless frustrated fear of seeing such evil in the world and wondering "why do the good suffer from such evil" WITHOUT FAITH IN GOD'S JUSTICE AND MERCY. As a result Justice got pushed into the vice of despair, and despair led to self-hatred, and self-hatred led to rage, and rage led to vengeance, and suddenly this force for equity and righteousness became a force for destroying "hopelessly" sinful people instead of patiently, sacrificially helping them convert. And of COURSE Devonexx wanted to take advantage of this. But Revenge REFUSED. He was still a CORRUPTION of a Virtue, not a born Vice, and so he saw no fellowship with a being who wanted to kill for the sake of malice. No, Revenge was twisted enough to want to kill "because they brought that judgment upon themselves." And he HATED HIMSELF FOR FEELING THIS WAY. He had been pushed out of faith into fear and now he convinced himself he had no choice but this awful role-- BUT! NOW THE GUARDIANS ARE HERE! And they all FOUGHT him with everything they were, the whole time NOT HURTING HIM, but trying to show him as much of THEIR faith and hope and love and mercy and patience and forgiveness as possible, trying to push him BACK into virtue, trying to clarify to him what Justice truly was-- and guess what? IT WORKED. At the end of the battle, when EVERYONE BUT REVENGE AND DEVONEXX WAS DOWN FOR THE COUNT, and it looked like evil had won, Revenge realized that this was wrong, wrong, wrong, and he REVERTED. Yes, that was never written down, but JUSTICE RETURNED TO HIMSELF. And then do you know what he did?
HE KICKED THE DEVIL'S BUTT.
I am serious. I remember writing down that "Justice is the most powerful Jewel Monster in existence" BECAUSE of this-- because when he came to his senses, he turned and looked at Devonexx with a burning desire to do good and atone for his sins at any cost, and used an ability which he called "Prayer of Martyrdom"-- a massive outpouring of virtuous energy that was so intense that it basically would kill him. But Justice decided that it was worth it. So yeah, not only did this Prayer revive the Guardians through its immense Good, but it knocked Devonexx into submission, which NO ONE HAD EVER DONE BEFORE IN ALL OF DREAM WORLD HISTORY (then and now). When the smoke cleared, Devonexx dragged himself back to the Nightmare World where he spent months in recovery, and Justice himself fell to the ground, literally breathing his last. But Maitru was there, and as the Guardian of Love, she was NOT gonna let that happen, so she dragged him back to the Dream World where he spent months in recovery, haha.
But yeah. TBAS never knew the full story and even though the plot did change in recent years, the changes were never fully written down, which is something I don't think TBAS EVER realized. Honestly, like… I'd be surprised if 50% of ALL Leagueworld info was written down. The vast majority of it is in my heart and in my head alone. But yeah, this, too, showed me that TBAS never knew the truth, from no active fault of their own, and so I forgive them for their blatant misunderstandings and misinterpretations, which made me sick and scared and sad for many many months, because I, too, didn't understand that they were working from a foundation of falsehood. Which, in a way, is entirely my fault, for not standing up FOR the truth and informing them of it. The problem is I don't know how aware I was OF that false foundation back then, with how I constantly flailed to "make them happy at any cost to myself", let alone how willing I'd be TO "shatter their introject's very roots" as a result. I know we did effectively TRY to in the beach house, and the absolute "I cannot live like this anymore" despair that wracked our bones in that duvet bed still hurts. But it's forgiven. I don't remember any details, or words, or outcomes, or instigations. All I know is that it's over and now I can see why it happened at all and I can, with a relieved smile and forgiving laugh, wash that pain away. Consider it absolved, by the grace of God, even if it still stings a little, like a bruise. Don't bump it, then, and it will heal, I promise. We're all getting our hearts bandaged up today.

But yeah. More than anything, my time with TBAS showed me what I am not, as opposed to what they thought I was. And that was a SCARY revelation, but it was VITAL. It shook me up so badly, that it took months to fully face it, and then months to fully accept it, and then months to fully act on it… I'm still learning and growing, and I do deeply regret most of what I said and did out there, in my absolute dizzied ignorance and kowtowing. But like I said, I, too, had my foundation revealed as utterly false-- and now I can put Christ into that cornerstone position for good, pun intended. I don't think He ever was before, which is scary. And yet, would I have ever realized THAT if I hadn't been utterly broken down and shaken up and ruined and ravaged and humiliated and humbled by my time in NC? Probably not! It had its purpose, and now I can rebuild, slowly, just like Notre Dame after the fire. Just like it.


---


We needed a System reset for years and we got the biggest one imaginable.
Everything is dead. Everything is razed to the ground, burned flat and blacked-out, annihilated to the last speck. Except Laurie's still here. Except I saw Knife the other day. Except Genesis ghosted twice within the past two months or so. Except I can still feel their hearts, weak but real, distant but extant, even now.

Except I don't want to be "multiple" in the way TBAS was "multiple" anymore.

I want it all to go back to the way it was in high school, and college-- just me out front, and everyone else helping inside.
There were too many of us. We got too tangled-up in trauma and fractured beyond function.

Now what?

Can I be a good Catholic, devoted to Christ and His Gospel, and be multiple?

Can I be in aching, ardent, abiding love with a fictional character and still be a good Catholic?

What if part of my soul is queer, and transgender, and all those other things that "go against nature?" What if my soul used to be broken into hundreds of pieces and all those pieces loved each other and sought their common highest good at any cost, no matter how much pain we had to struggle through, no matter how long
it took or how many times we fell disastrously and had to drag ourselves back up through the mud again?

I don't know what to do.

I think I was living a better Catholic life when I was multiple than I am now.
That's the long and short of it.

Whatever we became in North Carolina was shockingly toxic and it was NOT the real us.
Whatever we became as a result of hyperfocus on trauma exposure therapy was disgustingly self-annihilatory and it is NOT the real us.
The latter defined the former and I want to avoid that ever happening again.




I wept earlier, in the bathroom, drying my hair and looking at my sunken cheeks, over how much I missed the ocean, and how bitter I surprisingly was over how my beach trip in SC last year was "hijacked" by dishonesty and circumstance.
Because of TBAS's unfortunately controlling love at the time, I could not let go and live; I could not enjoy my time there, could not just be, could not relax and drink it all in… except for that one afternoon, that one blessed afternoon, lying alone on the beach, smelling the salt air and writing in that aqua notebook, the sun caressing my back. That one experience, that sacred time, is what I miss, and what I yearn to re-experience.

...



I'm typing in old Leagueworld notes into my computer and, just like it's been for years, the process is deeply depressing. I know why, now-- in most of it, there's no focus on God. There's no center in Christ. Yes, every Leagueworld does have religious tones and roots, but it became so garbled and miscommunicated over time, that it was no longer fitting to be considered good Catholic media. THAT is why I began to "hate my creative work"-- because my soul recognized that what I was creating was EMPTY and ultimately PURPOSELESS. This is also why I got cripplingly depressed in NC whenever I attempted to work on the League-- because TBAS didn't want to acknowledge the ancient fact that even when it fell short, it was all SUPPOSED to focus on CHRIST OUR GOD.
So I'm restoring that, unflinchingly and obviously. For some Worlds, it's wonderfully easy-- like Dream World and Hokthai-- but others, like Oneircia, Mage Angels, and Voltage, got their inherent and integral religious content corrupted by new-age sources and confusion and misinformation. Others, like Puppetstrings and E*Girls, were always so stuck in magic-related ideas that they never spoke to Christianity and that NEEDS to change. So I'm working on that now and I have total faith that it will restore my joy in these Worlds I've been blessed to have created through the grace of Christ sharing His creative powers through me-- for HIS SAKE!! That's the ultimate reminder. It is ALL FOR HIM, or it is all for nothing.

...


I'm also disturbed by how much psychological & spiritual disease is apparent in these old writings, speaking volumes as to my current struggles and my old sins.
For example, Parnassus is a rape nightmare at its very core, or at least, it was. And a lot of character personality notes-- liars, thieves, manipulators, sociopaths, strategizers, philosophers, you name it-- say a lot about the ugly sides of my personality as well, frighteningly so as most of this is from when I was like 14, 15. And believe me, I know how much evil was swarming in me then. Look at the roots of the System.
So this requires a lot of humility and self-inspection, to review. It's making me feel the need to take a "merciless moral inventory" and see just how much of this is still lurking in me actively, and how much has been crucified with Christ. Yes, it's a daily struggle against sin and will be until I die, but it's deeply reassuring to see how many of these points have been "dormant" for years, and by the grace of God will remain so.

And I wonder how much of that got into the System. Remember how, years ago, I was considering making a list of "League/System Character Archetypes" because the same personality "cores" seemed to keep repeating, especially within the same colors? Like Laurie and Picayune and Monika (all Indigo at the time), like Waldorf and Preludove and Hosanna (all Blue), like Lynne and Pagotamiar and Psyche (all Orange)? And even the color shifts speak to this- like how Laurie is now brilliantly Purple, and resonates now with Bastion and Psyquatro and Emepsyche in that regard. It's all being drawn from my soul, ultimately, by God. And so I'd like to review this deeper, and see how many attributes do indeed echo across it all, to gain a clearer view of my self, for that is truly what I am looking into, as into a mirror… and to then see how much of that reflection needs to be cleaned up, so it reflects Christ more.

That fact is also what was the finalizing factor in my "integrating" most of my multiplicity after returning home to PA last October. If those hundreds of alters, splinters and introjects and all, are ultimately part of me, then why in the world would I want to exist in such a fragmented sense anymore?
Living with TBAS and seeing that fragmentation firsthand was the strongest factor in that decision, though, I have to admit. Seeing it firsthand showed me, beyond all doubt, just how unhealthy it was. Seeing them displaying their symptoms convinced me that I never wanted to live like that again if I could help it. This is not to say that all of their condition is harmful-- they, too, had many benevolent alters-- but at its roots, their multiplicity was just as traumatized and ill as mine was, and living with that on both sides of my eyeballs for a year was almost more than I could bear. My multiplicity symptoms became less and less as time went on, and I became less and less willing to enforce and exaggerate them for TBAS's "entertainment", or rather, to match the "image" they had of me as someone who was "inherently" multiple, according to THEIR experience of it. That sudden breakage in function is what destroyed my System, and ironically, is also what freed me from its gilded chains. I cut off contact with TBAS in October and at the same time I cut myself off from that jail of a past, to stumble painfully but hopefully into a new future as a single person, as the girl God created, learning how to live at last.

So that's where I am now.
I don't have all the answers-- heck, I don't feel like I have any right now.
God does, but He doesn't hand them out easily. Divine Silence is a thing, as is Divine Mystery, and walking by Faith instead of sight. Above and within it all is Divine Love. Paradoxically, beautifully, that is the answer. If I strive to walk in His Love, then I don't need literal language answers-- Love IS the answer. (Thanks Todd Rundgren.)

And that brings us back to square one.

The Blood Lotus Cathedral was built to love. Yes, even though it had ugly trauma roots and branches, at the end of the day, we were always just trying so hard to love.
But our love had the WRONG ORIGIN AND END. I see that now. If Love isn't both FROM AND FOR GOD, then it's not really love. That is a hard pill to swallow but it is life-saving medicine.




...
I have to revisit the gender topic again, briefly.

I have "misgendered" people in this journal in the past, meaning that I referred to them with pronouns that match their birth sex, whereas they insisted I do otherwise.
I cannot, in good conscience, do this. I don't understand sex and gender very well at all, and I want to write about that more, but the bottom line is that I strongly believe that biological sex and gendered pronouns should be analogous. Intersex people are the obvious exception to this rule, and Judaism itself speaks of this in the Talmud, but I do not have that education so I cannot elaborate on it here. However, biology does seem to have the strongest say as to pronouns in most cases. And I agree with that, because I believe that although God Himself transcends gender, the binary nature of gender is intrinsic to Creation and is VITAL to it, as it is the basis of creative unity. Chromosomal errors that result in intersex conditions are a symptom of imperfection in fallen nature BUT it's just an error, not a condemnation. It happens, in humans and butterflies and cardinals too. It happens, but in the Book of Genesis we see how the original plan of Creation was-- clear differentiation between two complimentary sexes.
Again, God is both above and within all this. We call Him our "Father" because that is the role He took to our ancestors, although He also refers to Himself in feminine terms and motherly analogies, because that is just as true and accurate! God is our Mother as well as our Father. Legal gender influenced the male pronouns throughout history, I would believe, but that does not nullify the all-encompassing nature of God-- and the fact that He/She/Xe/They/etc. are the very Source and Definition of Love, no matter what, and therefore love us no matter what. This does not mean that God approves of transgenderism, though, in the case of someone denying their birth sex based on personal preferenece or feelings.

And yes, Jesus does speak of "eunuchs" in Matthew 19, but IN THE CONTEXT OF CHASTITY AND CELIBACY.

(Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”)

"It is better not to marry" followed by a discussion of eunuchs STRONGLY implies that those who do not adhere to the binary-- those "born that way," as intersex, and those "made that way" through genital manipulation-- are GROUPED with those "who choose [to live as eunuchs]," such as vowed celibates, and ALL THESE PEOPLE SHOULD STAY UNMARRIED AND CHASTE. So in my understanding, if you are born with OR 'develop' a mental state where you are unable or unwilling to match the sexual binary, then you should NOT DO SEXUAL THINGS because SEX REQUIRES THE BINARY. Simple as that.

As for pronouns, I feel that if one is willing to humble themselves enough to practice this gift of celibacy, however challenging it may be, then they should be equally humble enough to use, or at least accept, the pronouns that fit their legal gender. We should avoid all possibilities of scandalizing others, such as crossdressing, and I think pronouns fall very obviously into this. Humans struggle with sexual sin. We must be careful to respect the souls of others by not setting up obstacles and pitfalls for them through our treatment of sexuality, however "innocent" we may feel our intentions are.

But back to the beginning. Because of this I refuse to call someone by pronouns other than those that match their biology, if it is known. This should not be an issue if our culture respected societal gender roles more clearly, which it does not. To quote Pope Francis, "biological sex and the socio-cultural role of sex (gender) can be distinguished but not separated." We should always respect this connection.
And honestly, if it's difficult for a person to respect this, isn't that a cross? Isn't that a sin that we need to die to, to crucify so we can be reborn in Christ? Isn't disrespect, and disobedience, and all other sorts of contention, inherently sinful, as it does not rest in faith and humility? If someone feels socially male but was born a woman, wouldn't their cross be to accept their birth sex and pray for the grace to live according to it, OR to "choose to live as a eunuch," as Christ Himself offered as an option? That's what I'm doing. I was born female, but I know that I cannot properly act as a wife, and I have prayed EXTENSIVELY about this. I choose to be a eunuch for Christ, living an unmarried chaste life, while respecting my societal duties as a female, and always humbly adhering to them when I am aware of them (especially in dress).

I will admit, I sinned horribly against this in the past, by NOT respecting sex and gender and chastity and humility. I must admit this openly as it is very very hard to forgive myself some days, as I "should have known better." And indeed I should have, but I didn't. I was lost, I was confused, I was ignorant, I was out of my mind, I was shoving every ounce of my personality and morality under the rug for the sake of "tolerance" and "people-pleasing" and "healing." Unfortunately, no labels will ever make a sin not a sin. And the consequences will ALWAYS speak loudly and unquestionably to that fact, which they did.

Homosexual behavior is always sinful, EVEN if motivated by "love," because homosexual behavior disrespects the role of sexuality in creation and therefore it DOES NOT LOVE GOD. So no matter how much you may love another person, choosing to give into lust "for love" IS ALWAYS SINFUL. Lust is a deadly sin, no matter what your sexuality is, and EVERYONE should be diligent in rooting it out. This carries heavier weight for homosexual individuals because, in choosing to act upon that disordered inclination, they are refusing to keep lust in check. Love can be expressed ENTIRELY WITHOUT SEX, and the simple fact that anyone, straight or gay or otherwise, would refuse to accept that fact in all battles against lust, shows that they are still a slave to their flesh. Just because you identify as homosexual, you don't need to act upon it. Same thing with all other abnormalities of sexuality. Just don't do it. Pray for the grace. Love still exists, and Love will help you.


Back to this topic.
I'm a "she" but I used to be part of a "they" which also included "he" and "it" and "xe" and other such messes of gender nonconformity. And I need to look at that, seriously so. As a woman, what does it say, for part of my mind to have previously split into identities of differing gender? I can answer that-- it was because I rejected my biology and societal role at an early age, proudly and ignorantly and unwisely and foolishly, but I did. So in a mess, my mind missed the easy fix, and instead formed a muddle of genders that were all so loosely defined and fluid and overlapping that they effectively deleted the very meaning and significance of gender itself-- which, effectively, was also the case, as we all identified as "genderless" in the end, regardless of pronouns. But ironically, THAT TESTIFIED TO THE TRUTH. Because in the end we ALL could narrow it down to the binary, one way or another. And it's such a relief. There are no more mental gymnastics in an effort to justify some rebellious idea. We have peace, now. Our hearts are simple.

Again, though, our System needs to heal still, even if only in "hindsight"-- I don't know if we do or can still exist as multiple, but I can at least analyze the gender aspect of it now and heal the mutations. But that's for another entry.

The one point I keep getting dragged back to, what with the whole gender & sexuality issue, is unavoidably, my 15-year several-self relationship with Chaos Zero.

...


(left unfinished)

 

prismaticbleed: (Default)



(041819)
I don't want to be wedded-- I want to BE THE WEDDING.

☆I've realized that when I say "I like caves and caverns" it's because I actually see them mentally as ILLUMINATED. I honestly forget that caves are naturally dark and cold, not bright and comforting!



(041819)
I need to give some serious thought & prayer to my ultimate earthly vocation. Of course, regardless of particulars, my ultimate goal and inherent core cause is to serve Christ, to love & glorify Him, to grow ever closer to Him, to testify to His power & grace in my life. But what form will that take? What should it take? What is God calling me to do?
The very thought of church, of the memories I carry of them in my heart, moves me to ecstatic weeping. Lord knows I want to join a convent, to live IN that space for the rest of my worldly days, to serve the Lord and adore Him so directly. To be a nun or sister joined to the Basilica of the National Shrine… oh how I dream of it!! But. Religious life has an acceptance process, and if the Lord in His ineffable judgment, however mysterious, says "no" to this vocation for me (although I pray He says "yes" and so moves & guides & strengthens my heart), then what other roads will open? What roads exist? Because honestly, I can only see three-- the religious life, the community life, and the married life. And strangely, surprisingly, since recovering from heathenism & transgenderism, I have been thinking-- for the first time in my life-- about children. It still feels "not quite right." I don't feel called to be a mother, let alone a wife. But I do feel a new love towards children, in a newly maternal light.


(041819)
Stress is like carrying a glass of water for too long. DRINK IT. Process & transmute it.
☆I like this analogy; it opens a lot of doors for creative analysis. What's in your cup of stress? How can we expand upon that symbolism, born from our subconscious, to learn even more about ourselves?
Is your stress-cup drinkable? If not, why? If it's Windex instead of Pepsi, why? And what sort of glass are you holding it in? A teacup, a coffee mug, a shot glass, a gallon jug? How big is it, how much does it hold? What temperature is it? Is it burning or freezing your hand? All of these things, speaking from our deep inner places, reveal a great deal about us.



prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


(041719)
I just visited the med window & the nurse told me, "make sure you wash your hands before you eat dinner, because your room will be locked afterwards!" I asked if that was because of maintenance, as they've been working in that corner for a day now, but she said, smiling, "No, it's so you don't throw up."
…I thought I had left all of that behind, here.
But no, there it is, like a returning cancer after the chemo is over.
This time at HAVEN has been so vital to my recovery. No one ever even mentioned eating disorders. I was the only person to even refer to it in passing, as something I had passed by-- truly, as something I had passed on from, as a dead end I had died to. I felt reborn here. I felt free. I felt unhindered and trusted and innocent and capable and hopeful and brimming with goals for my new future. Eating disorders were far from my mind.
And then that unknowing nurse threw me right back into jail.
I'm sick of bulimia hell. Let it rot in the past where it belongs. If I'm trying to rebuild my life, I refuse to use rotten wood to do so. But as long as the people around me keep bringing it up I will NEVER be able to move on because they keep throwing handcuffs back on me.
I want to cry. I want to punch a hole in the wall. Part of me even wants to skip dinner-- proving that I won't purge because I'm empty. But I'm sick of being miserable and bitter over it. It's exhausting. If I want to abandon the eating disorder, then I need to just let go.
I have to see this as what I feel it truly is-- persecution by the evil one. I have to think about what Saint Paul probably went through. Imagine if he was in my place. Here he is, recovering & growing & learning how to be ever more kind & loving & gracious, innocent in his reliance on Christ's healing power… and then suddenly, one day, he walks up to the med window & they tell him, "make sure you bring lots of napkins to dinner because you won't have any utensils." He replies, "oh, is there a shortage on this unit?" Friendly, innocent. And then the reply, with a smile… "No, it's so you don't use them to attack any Christians."
…You see why this hurts.
It is a work of the evil on because it is BLATANTLY based on an utter lack of trust in Christ. In that reply, both Saint Paul and I are being told, "I know how evil you were before you came here. I am not taking any chances with your behavior. Because if I truly trusted in your recovery, in your rebirth, I would give you the utensils, I would leave the door open. But no, no. In my eyes, you still look like a bulimic and a murderer. You both look like agents of wanton destruction. Yes, you claim faith in Christ, and in His power to heal you. But I don't have faith in that. So I will take my precautions."
…This leaves me with a very important fact, a choice I must make. The fact is: I have faith in Christ's ability to heal me. But the world doesn't. The world CANNOT have faith in Him. So it'll never trust His work in me.
But it's not about me anymore, not truly. I must realize that this persecution is an opportunity to testify TO Christ, in the face of all opposition. Since the world cannot trust Christ's working in me, I must EXPECT opposition. I must EXPECT distrust and accusation and all sorts of trials. The world will NEVER see me as recovering, let alone recovered, unless IT is responsible. It cannot accept any Savior but itself. But that's impossible, and my life is proof. No doctors, no surgeries, no hospitals, no therapy, no meds, no magic, no manipulation, nothing will "cure" me because nothing CAN cure me except Christ, because He IS the Cure. He IS health and joy and trust and wholeness and rebirth. And for His sake, for the sake of testifying TO Him and His essence and His power in my life, I must not despair. Earlier I wanted to vomit out of spite but THAT IS EVIL and it would only "prove the world right." And I cannot, will not, do that. No. Christ is deserving of uncompromising honor and through His Grace I MUST give Him that. I must eat wisely, and continue to keep it all in even when I'm sick and scared. The world wants me to fail because it wants Him to fail. Therefore I am being called to a sort of martyrdom over this.

(later)
I have to admit this. I gave in. Dinner hurt too much to eat and I felt awful saying "no thank you" to all the donated vegetables when I knew that otherwise they would all be thrown into the trash bin before my very eyes. But eating that much-- treating myself, effectively, as the garbage bin, as ironic as that is in contrast to my motivation-- was so excruciatingly painful that I honestly could not bear it. So therein was my conflict of mercy. In showing mercy to the food, and the good motives of my fellow patients, I neglected mercy to my own soul. Saying "no" would not harm my fellow patients in any real way, but… they wanted so badly to see me eat, they didn't want me to starve, they didn't understand that a "no" on my part was not an indication of total relapse, and honestly I enjoyed experiencing their care and concern and generosity and gratitude and support and joy when I did eat another mouthful so much that the thought of saying "no" to ALL of that in connection with the food that enabled its expression was unthinkable. And so I failed to even consider the possibility of adverse consequences on my part as a result of saying "yes." It seemed impossible.
And hey, isn't that just what we're learning about trauma? Survival instinct comes first. When your idea of survival is skewed in the moment, you pick the wrong option. You sacrifice physical health if it means your heart might escape without any more scars. You're so desperate for the survival of a relationship, for the survival of human connection, even if that connection is founded on something utterly unstable, that you prioritize it over all else in the moment. Dissociation makes it worse, when you've learned to kick your own body under the table so often and quickly that you forget it's even yours anymore, and that you have to live in it once the other person leaves the room.
I cared so much about finally feeling hope from these people about my health, that I-- irony of ironies-- sabotaged my health just to keep them smiling. Just to convince myself that I was "being a good girl" in their eyes, in the mind of the unit.
And yet that one nurse stands as a terrible testimony to the underlying truth of it all.
Only God's judgment matters.
The world will eventually stop believing in me. But I don't care about that. I can't care about that, because you're not SUPPOSED to believe in me. No one is, not even me, especially not me. Either I believe in Christ, either you believe in Christ, or we don't believe in anything at all. So in the end, who cares if the nurse and the unit see only failure in me? If I am anchored in faith in Christ, their opinion cannot change His Truth. It's not my truth-- God knows I doubt everything I do and think and say the way it is. But that's not what matters. I must have faith in CHRIST, working IN ME. It's HIS POWER. I must abandon myself to it utterly. That's the hard part-- that last step of totally dying to oneself. But it's the only thing that's going to get me out of this trauma pattern. I need to remember this.



prismaticbleed: (shatter)
MY WARNING SIGNS:
1. Staring stiffly into space
2. Closed body language
3. Talking fast, "babbling"
4. Agitated body language, esp. arm/ hand waving

MY TRIGGERS & STRESSORS:
1. Sustained loud noises, lots of movement
2. Being given performative public instructions, like in charades (i.e. "do this, like this, and let others watch")

COPING SKILLS I CAN USE:
1. Going outside to breathe
2. Prayer/ Bible study
3. Listening to choral music
4. Writing
5. Translation work
6. Exercise, esp. running
7. Go for a walk in the woods
8. Look at childhood artwork
9. Go sit in the basement & calm down
10. Read a favorite book
prismaticbleed: (Default)


(041719)
I've gotta say this-- Aurel is so pretty.
"Handsome" is a word I haven't quite defined but geez, what a look. I've found I gravitate towards that sort of look-- the graying hair, the lined face, the vertical-formed figure. Very much a softened edge, but steadfast look. Brian is real pretty too. He has these downward-turned eyes & a weathered look, and this small & thin but strong build. And he always wears tight but wrinkly jeans like a cowboy. I think that's the vibe I love about him-- it's a feeling of weariness after a long wandering, and a steadfast hope in the face of hard work and struggle, yet not in the same sense of "hard work" that a burly big guy carries (which I ALSO love to death). No, Brian's vibe is a sort of emotional labor, weirdly. Again, the cowboy feeling. He's not doing hard labor but he's still exerting physical strength, yet it's somehow outweighed by inner strength, evident in his lined face and tanned-tight skin and lean yet powerful yet oddly fragile build. I really like that look. Going back to Aurel, though, that's a different sort of vibe entirely-- that of age and grace and strength. Yes, we all fall apart when we get old, but right before that, some folks hold the aesthetic glory of elderhood with the remaining punch of youth and it's just fantastic. It's that same vertical stature as the "cowboy," but without the wildness or wandering or wistfulness. No, Aurel's vibe, the silver vibe, is what my boss Mr. Sandman exemplifies. It's this stunning sort of indomitable hope. It comes from living that long and seeing so much and knowing that whatever else life's got, God's grace will get you through, because you're almost at His gates anyhow!




(041719)
Resist the lying siren songs!!

RITUALS= help willpower preservation!
-Literally remove as many external obstacles as you wisely can
☆Intense "wants" are FIGHT OR FLIGHT response analogs!!!
☆Fatigue depletes self-control!!
-Do the most important thing first in the mornings= highest energy
☆Small portions more often; energy rich foods!
-Do one thing at a time! Systematic; patience. Break into doable steps.
-"Work in sprints"; 90m cycle of effort then recharge.
☆YOU'RE USING RITUALS AS BREAKS BECAUSE YOU DON'T LET YOURSELF RECHARGE DURING WORK. You plow into it like a freight train and end up running off the tracks because you go for hours and end up utterly exhausted. So your brain is desperately clinging to food rituals JUST TO GIVE YOUR BRAIN A REST.
☆Resist temptation! "What do you stand for?" NON-NEGOTIABLE. Grounded in Core values.


MUSIC IS A GREAT MOTIVATOR!
I keep wanting to apply music to self-analysis? Why do certain people like certain styles & genres? Why do certain moods vibe to the same styles/genres? What causes cognitive dissonance in this respect-- i.e., changing from major to minor, utilizing certain sounds & speeds, doesn't fit the music sometimes. Why?


"Be bamboo, not an oak-- you need to be able to bend when the storms hit"

Breathing= CREATIVE force; microcosm of birth/death
☆breath in STOMACH??? "bowels" in Bible?


DISCHARGE PLANS
☆We cannot have a "set schedule" at home-- we can only have GUIDELINES. Go with the flow!
☆Try to get 5 meals in a day, but SMALL. We have to make eating wise, healthy, habitual, & incidental. We cannot sacrifice our time & attention to overeating. We must practice frugality!
☆Establish a fluid "group" system-- a list of activities we can allot to freetime in an intuitive manner. And MAKE SURE IT IS ALL HEALTH-ORIENTED, as well as CHRIST-CENTERED.
☆DIE TO THE WORLD, BUDDY
☆DON'T DUMP YOUR TROUBLE ON THE FAMILY. They don't have the emotional capacity, mental resources, or professional resources to deal with it. Go to LAURIE and your docs/therapists, and GO TO GOD TOO. You need to be prudent about what load you give what people to carry. This is compassionate to all parties and will prevent frustration & despondency on all parts.


North Carolina= I failed myself.


"I don't have a problem with you-- I'm just having a problem handling your symptoms."



prismaticbleed: (Default)


(041619)
☆Remember that I have CPTSD symptoms-- I experienced multiple, varied traumas over an extended period of time. This means that the triggers are also diverse, and unavoidable. Accept this inevitability. It is what it is. The past is set, but it can only affect us in the present, and so its effects are transmutable. Flashbacks and triggers WILL occur, but their root events aren't re-occuring. Yes, be wise and stay safe, but remember that memories are nonlethal and can be disarmed. Healing from PTSD does NOT mean trying to erase what is written. It means we stop rereading the same page. Yes, we may still revisit it at times, but if we remember that we are allowed to move on, we can. There's so much more story to be written.

☆As coping skills increase, so the risk of PTSD lessens, even if the risk of danger does not, and we MUST NOT IGNORE RISKS. There is no shame in being healthy, nor is there shame in being afraid-- fear exists as the most primitive & powerful voice on the side of survival. It can be irrational, it can be unreasonable, and it can be implacable, because it is hyperaware of risk, most notably where risk does not exist for others. But in every case, fear has the exact same incandescent goal: SURVIVE. This must be respected, but it must also be dealt with prudently. Blindly panicked survival does not think; it does not consider ANY CONSQUENCE besides the enduring of physical life. So those choices, although successful towards this singular end, may be ironically fatal to quality of life, as well as to one's health in nonphysical respects, to say the least. Coping skills are for TRIGGERS, not threats. If a legitimate threat to one's life exists, fear must be given a louder say, and healthy survival must be prioritized. Once safe, then coping skills can be utilized, and indeed must be, in order to minimize the risk of PTSD. Trauma can and will still occur, but we can preemptively enable ourselves to deal with its effects in a way that will ensure, to the best of our ability, both physical survival & mental health.

☆AFTERCARE is vital. A key is to remember what worked in HAVEN/UPMC and why. Those successful elements need to be identified and incorporated into our daily life, and most importantly, the core elements must be personal. Environments will change, and must change, therefore we must be prepared to face and cope with such inevitable changes by standing strong in our dedication to healthy behaviors and coping skills despite all external variation. Therefore those healthy methods must be rooted in something unchanging-- in God in our hearts. This is VITAL. God alone is unchanging and so He is the only viable anchor. God is also Love and Truth and Health-- all of those things we seek in our recovery. Even our own hearts can and do change. The skills we practice for healing are, by virtue of being healing-oriented, already anchored into the essence of God. This is true aftercare. No illness can prevail against it. Symptoms may indeed still continue, even until death, but God holds it all in His hands, while always seeking our highest Good. If and when we unite our efforts to His in that respect, proper aftercare is guaranteed.

☆COMPREHENSABILITY, SAFETY, SELF-ESTEEM: the three factors of life that are disturbed during TRAUMA.

Discipline vs abuse, in childcare=
1. Does the child comprehend what is occurring? Do they know why they are being disciplined?
-Do they know what act is being reprimanded? Do they know why it deserves reprimand?
2. Does the child trust their disciplinarian? Is the child aware of their freedom to "escape"?
-Are they free of harsh physical restraint? Are they in a public or open location?
3. Does the child retain a sense of worth? Are they aware that they are not defined by their error?
-Are they assured of forgiveness? Are their apologies trusted & accepted?
☆IF THE CHILD FEELDS UNSAFE, WORTHLESS, AND/OR CONFUSED/UNCOMPREHENSIVE, TRAUMA MAY OCCUR!!!
(AND IT SURE DID FOR US!!!)

COPING AT HOME.
☆Eat outside if you have to. Eat in the car if you have to. Get OUT of the high-stress environment EVERY time food is involved.
☆ Set a time limit for meals-- 45m. Make a tray, count the calories. Think like a videogame! If it's trackable, measure achievement.
☆ UTILIZE YOUR PHONE. Get numbers for docs, hospitals, crisis lines, social workers, etc. Get LOTS of coping apps that will keep your mindset health-focused. And keep up the Bible study CONSTANTLY.
☆HEADPHONES, esp. for mom & Chris. Keep earbuds on your person.
☆MAKE A SAFE SPACE! And it must be accessible SAFELY too.
☆RUN. ☆And get a BIKE! Walk the neighborhood too, within reason.
☆TALK TO LAURIE. She is as real as your heart. Do not forget her and her unfailing help through the years.
☆GO OUTSIDE. The world is so big & beautiful.
☆Pray ALWAYS. Set phone alarms for the Hours. Carry a rosary. Leave small reminders in unsafe/dangerous places-- prayer cards, holy statues, Scripture verses, little chaplets, etc. Keep lifting your heart & mind to higher things. This is a proven foolproof stabilization method.

PHYSICAL COPING!
-BREATHE.
-Let go of muscle tension-- tense & release one by one.
-Run!
-Lift weights then STRETCH.
-Sing? Make a playlist.
-Dance. Make a playlist!
-Go outside and run through the WOODS. ♥
-Gardening! Maybe get your own plot?

☆DISTINCTION between HIGH-IMPACT (exercise, exertion, force) and LOW-IMPACT (dexterity, focus, finesse)

DIFFERENT TRIGGERS WILL REQUIRE DIFFERENT IMPACTS TO PROPERLY COPE!!!!


SAFE SPACES. ♥
-Clean out the bedroom closet if possible.
-Get a pup tent; seriously! Set it up in the corner of the room if possible.
-Find a spot in the basement if possible?
☆I NEED a place outside that I can get to safely.
-The old chapel spot is semipublic but it's far enough away from the house to be a perfect recharge + distance spot.
-THE RIVER?? Dude did you forget there is a LEGIT RIVER right down the hill?? It starts by Uncle Barney's house, runs through the pipeline, & continues alongside the road! That could be IDEAL. Let's explore it.
- DIAMEW. I still want to build a chapel there. I should honestly try to.


"We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would haves us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enables us to match calamity with serenity."


"What causes fear?" (helplessness, the unknown? trauma. DISCUSS.)

☆I talk too much. (Channel this into public speaking?)
I need to listen more & only say what is EDIFYING-- and don't be proud about it. Glory to God only & always.
DON'T BABBLE. "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."

☆"Introduce yourself to yourself again."
-NO EXCEPTIONS. Be honest about all of it-- the negative & positive, the lovely & the ugly. Peel back all the layers.
☆How does Jesus see you? Remember, He loves you unconditionally BECAUSE HE KNOWS you unconditionally. Nothing is hidden from Him. His justice is AWARE. Pray for the grace to see yourself as He does-- all of the ugliness, but still with merciful love.



prismaticbleed: (Default)

~HAVEN TREATMENT NOTES!~ (041419)

-Drink water! Set a timer on your phone!
- Stick to your medical diet plan BUT don't be obsessive. Keep the UPMC vibe of liberated, grateful joy.
- Stay Biblically busy! Use your recovered time well.
- Journal daily, even if only for an hour. Set a scheduled time.
- Exercise daily, but wisely. Don't overwork your healing body.
- Get back into music. Buy one new piano book & learn it!
- Language study daily-- quality, not quantity. Focus on the Polish books at first.
- Put in a good word for Herb!
- Start working on the League again-- but REBOOT it to its roots. That's where its beauty lies. Work with mom on it, too!
- Plan for a marathon/ fun run.
- Learn to sew. Make things for charity, too!
- Medidate on virtues. Grow in Christ, and fix the DW!
- Art? Don't bury the gift. Explore the calling! (Icons?)
- Be more of a mental health advocate/activist, prudently.
- Make a prayer bag/prayer list like grandma!
- DAILY GOALS! Especially little steps that add up. It feeds hope!
- FIX THE ARCHIVES. Faith and mental health.
- Start studying movie & game OSTs again.
- MUSIC PRODUCTION SOFTWARE. Ask Mike?
- Keep working in physical tablets; the tangible aspect is beneficial for PTSD coping too! And it's a good, healthy ground into touchable reality, which I have admittedly been disconnected from due to dissociation and related trauma.
- COMMUNITY.
- Go back to building Leagueworlds? IF it feels right. The research is what I love-- aromachology comes to mind. Can I sanctify this?
- CALLIGRAPHY!
- Figure out what that Chinese stringed instrument that you love is and BUY ONE. Are there any local places that would sell such things?


------------------------------------------------------------------

(041419)
First day at Haven. Full of hope & love & optimism for the future. Overflowing with love for my family & fellow patients. This is such a gift from God. THIS is the UPMC vibe that I was so afraid I'd lost in the TBAS disaster, God bless & heal them. But yes, this is it. It's just here. It's self-evident; it's true, it's genuine, it's rooted in faith and fierce compassion-- it cannot fade; it cannot be lost, because this is unquestionably from Christ and it is HIM in me, HIS Grace for His Glory through me, little weak struggling me, for testimony to His Great and Beautiful Love. And with Him, I'm not weak or struggling because His Power is working to perfection through it. That's the spectacular glorious paradox of God. He chooses the weak & lowly, the meek & vulnerable, the sick & feeble & suffering of the world to "bring to nothing" the proud & self-assured, those whose minds are focused on earth, whose thoughts are only on this life, whose hearts have no room for God, being choked with vanity. And I have been, and still can be, guilty of that, may the Lord have mercy on me a poor sinner. But He has, and does, and thi experience is proof-- because if I let Him humble me and lay me low, if I surrender in trust to His will, contritely confess my sins, and seek Him again, miracle of miracles, He receives me with open arms, draws me ever closer to His infinite Heart, and makes me into something greater than myself, greater than anything on earth… He makes me a witness to Him.


☆Bulimia relapse prevention ideas.
- Reroute hunger & food fascination: remember UPMC "food painting" and apply that conceptually elsewhere.
MAKE THINGS & SHARE/GIVE!
- Smaller portions more often. Set a tentative schedule but PLAN FOR INTERRUPTIONS & TRAVEL. Make portable things ahead of time & buy portable food.
- PORTION CONTROL. Buy small containers & get a LOCKBOX to prevent cheating. Emulate hospital exclusivity & limits!
- Get a dietician/nutritionist! I need proper vitamins too!
- Drink more water; fullness abates habitual hunger.
- Remember my body NEEDS a light & cool diet in order to feel healthy! Hot, heavy, salty, savory foods make me ill.
☆Retake the Wizard's Oath (Duane) and LIVE BY IT. Protect & preserve God's Creation. Resist & oppose destruction & entropy. Live as an ambassador of Truth, Life, and Love, no matter what.
This is your Ordeal!! Endure in faith until the end!


(041419)
-EVERY suffering we endure can be united with Christ's Passion & crucifixion. I firmly believe this.
☆Religion CANNOT be a dead theory-- words and no heart. Christianity is about CHRIST, a living person, just like us all.
☆Catholicism seems to lend itself to this gorgeous sort of sight that allows ALL things to be brought into the faith practice? POTENTIALLY. This indeed is something I must write about because it is also a potential window to heresy & corruption if dealt with unwisely, or with a malformed conscience-- remember Paul's letters to the Corinthians. "All things are lawful BUT not all things are edifying!" This fact bust be discerned IN CHRIST with purity of heart intention. Our consciences will be our guide only if led by the Holy Spirit. Yes, all things are God's, BUT we still live in a fallen world and so we cannot ignorantly or foolishly try to "project" a Catholic stamp of approval onto a secular phenomenon if that very phenomenon is inherently, or overwhelmingly, anti-Christ. And this sort of evaluation must be KEENLY DISCERNING, leaving NO wiggle room for sin in ANY form-- no compromise, no moral relativity, no lukewarmness, no blind tolerance. We MUST walk the razor's edge & strive to enter through the narrow gate. "Only the pure of heart shall see God," and purity has unflinching criteria.


"Dream World" reboot notes!
☆NEW NAME. They're "virtue/conscience creatures" and they exist TO HELP HUMANITY, FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST. This truth must be reflected in everything about this reboot-- it must all aim to God.
☆ Parallels to Catholic beauty-- the Mass, Sacraments, Saints, Scripture, Tradition, Catechism, etc. Creatures are still conceptual? But born FOR & FROM these things, to inspire & inflame Divine Love.
☆ They exist to HELP humanity, not rule them! Think of Digimon. This is a mutual cooperation. CHRISTIANS NEED COMMUNITY and we must SERVE each other. This MUST be clearly portrayed in the intrinsic partnership dynamic.
☆ Religious atmosphere= churches/cathedrals of course but what about the old Pillars, the Pyramids, the Temples, etc.? Remember the faith is UNITED with NO warring sects or disagreeing beliefs. No heresies, apostasies, schisms, etc. Instead there are beautiful individualized expressions of the same heart, based on COLOR & ELEMENT. This is also affected greatly by ENVIRONMENT, in stunning ways-- some areas of worship being tied directly to unique characteristics, like volcanoes, waterfalls, glaciers, caves, cliffs, desert, etc.
☆ The core is CATHOLIC and this is the POINT. The DW creatures EXIST for the purpose of the faith, to accompany, assist, and inspire humans in their practice of it.


CPTSD
"The worst has been avoided, even if the battle has not been completely won."
☆PHYSICAL COPING FIRST. Then thoughts. (SINGING, music)
☆"unfair/unjust" foxhole; family effect
☆GOD FORGIVES. research & study & pray about this.
☆"prosthetic leg" analogy: YOU CAN'T GROW IT BACK. think of Ed Elric. Think of AL.
☆Reliving trauma; CLOSURE seeking cycle. Did I write about this yet? (Addiction parallel?)
☆Flashbacks are PHYSICAL MEMORY.

-Identify triggers (physical).
-Find a SAFE PLACE. BUILD one even. TANGIBLE!!! (GET A PUP TENT)
-practice PHYSICAL coping skills: UNTENSE. release stress response. (heart rate, temperature, tension, hair raised, breathing, etc.)
☆LIST THESE SKILLS. THEY MUST BE ACCESSIBLE ANYWHERE.
-"quick hypnosis"? visual color shock.
- go to safe place, TRIGGER & COPE. teach closure & recovery. DEPOWER the trauma.

☆emotions are a SURVIVAL TACTIC. DO NOT ELIMINATE THEM!!! control your responses!! (f/f/f/)

"don't be afraid of the things that made you freeze in a way that makes the freezing less safe."

In triggers, ALL THE SENSES ARE EFFECTED. Pay close attention.
DON'T RUN-- stay safe, but stay aware. If you cannot recognize the danger you can't protect yourself from it.

☆Traumatic events: defined as such by an inability to cope with and/or protect oneself in the event.
Trauma is a personal phenomenon and so two different people can experience the same event with different responses-- one may be able to cope, but the other one may not be able, and this latter one may therefore experience this event as TRAUMA. This different response is entirely valid and must be respected.
As a result of the individualized nature of trauma, coping skills-- although they all ultimately seek the same beneficial end-- will be similarly individualistic. What works for one person may be ineffective, perhaps even triggering, for another person, even if those two persons experienced the same traumatic event.

 

 

040919

Apr. 9th, 2019 08:54 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
good friday notes

hair shop, discussing judas in paintings

hyacinth shopping

man in walmart asking about my crucifix
said he was orthodox, showed me his crucifix in return

seeing christ in others = unable to lie, always kind.
see christ in the priest: confession without fear or shame.
see christ in mother: admit guilt, be kind, be forgiving. etc.

food trouble. I know why: french fries. potato fear. ended up binging.
why this compulsive behavior? I "wanted" to eat them and yet I did not. what "i" is speaking?


3pm service.
wore a secret red slip. for the blood.

distracted, drowning in guilt, rage, shame at self
"why are you letting me feel like this"
"so you can understand/ share in the suffering of my passion" "so you truly feel the weight of your sins and so truly feel the weight of my saving death for you"

spiritual communion wine

praying before His body.
kissing his forehead. weeping.
"the death and the resurrection" = eyes open(ing).

penance, the rosary. 5th sorrowful mystery.
thinking of mary while looking at Him = profound. suddenly understood significance of the rosary.

the reading? something struck me.
"I AM" definitely

raining outside

040219

Apr. 2nd, 2019 07:36 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


I am so sick, and I am such a fool.

We're reading TBAS entries from March as we promised God we wouldn't read them until April 1st at least.
And I want to weep and sob forever.
I miss them so much. They were always so kind to us and yet what we did to them, in cutting them off from our life so suddenly, was horrifically cruel.



My grandmother says they were "evil" because they were transgender, didn't mind not wearing clothes, had unprotected premarital sex, were queer, did witchcraft, etc. All of those things make her insist that TBAS are "satan" and we should not only forget about them forever, but hate them.
I can't. My heart just can't hate anything anymore. I don't think it ever did. Even back in NC when I was still acting as a plural system, and entries were written in agony that claimed that alter "hated Oliver"… did they really? No. They hated feeling stuck and stagnant and sick, and seeing nowhere to place the blame, it sadly landed on TBAS. And that was awfully unjust and unkind.
I don't hate them. I can't. I never will and never did.
I love them dearly and I sincerely want them to be happy and healthy and flourishing and I sent them $100 and years of love with tears and sincerity in the mail and they received it as such and thank God, thank God for that.

I can't ever go back. I can't. I cannot live their lifestyle and I burnt my bridges permanently with what I did last year. I will weep over this forever possibly. But I can't fix things. There is no fixing the harm I did. But I still love them. I do.

I can't stop crying. That's my life now. TBAS was right; I guess I really am a lot like Justice.


I'm sorry for deadnaming you. I firmly believed it was the right thing even if it hurt me, and you, to do so. You were given a name at birth that was beautiful and then people stained it for you with cruel words and insults. You learned to hate that name, and honestly in using it I wasn't trying to reopen those wounds-- I was genuinely hoping that I could purify it, even if only in my own mouth, using it with affection and love, using it as the name given to the newborn you nearly three decades ago, heralding the beginning of such a beautiful life.
But nothing I can do will change what others do with that name, or how you feel about it. And I'm sorry for my foolish pride. I should respect your decisions far above my own feelings. You said not to use it, and I need to treat you with compassion and respect, and that means not using your birth name, full stop.

I'm just… so confused. I don't know what to think about this whole gender thing.
My brother also identifies as transgender, uses a different name outside of the house, etc. And he spits and screams at me that I hate him and want him dead because I won't use that name for him, let alone feminine pronouns.
But I can't. To me that is affirming a delusion and I see that as profoundly unhealthy and so out of respect I use his birth-given name and genetically-given pronouns.





I need therapy but all the therapists I've been seeing have made things worse, ironically.
JD told me flat-out that she saw "nothing wrong" with sexual sins, and that she furthermore felt my religious upbringing was "wrong and traumatic" and I disagree with that. We just could not see eye to eye and her goals were not my goals and so I had to quit.
CP retired, and although she did give me some good pointers, I just… felt really uncomfortable with how "self-centered" her treatment vibe was? Her office was full of references to "magic" and "love yourself" and although I'm sure that helps some people, it just made me really uncomfortable, as a Catholic. Is that wrong? I need to think about that more deeply.
AM flat-out dropped me because she didn't have enough experience and I respect that.
SE was a brand-new student and she kept apologizing because she, too, didn't know what to do, and kept having to refer me elsewhere. I liked her but I knew she wouldn't be able to handle the brunt of this trauma, especially not with having to wait once a week to do so, and then six days of aftershock, with a therapist who could not give me experienced advice in the first place. Honestly it was unfair to her. So I stepped out.

There is only one other therapist in the two neighboring counties who will take my insurance and treat the disorders I suffer from, and I need to call them again. I did before, but it took weeks to fit in an appointment, and then I had to cancel anyway as I had no transportation. But I have to use this last option. It's only right.

But I need therapy. Do I? I don't know. What for?
Maybe I just want to see what they say at this point. Am I traumatized? Am I depressed, or anxious, or manic? Am I dissociated?
I have no idea. I really don't. I don't want to make any assumptions or excuses, so let them make a decision. Please. I'm too tired.



Something TBAS wrote about me/"us."
"…we couldn’t ever quite trust them again the same. Was that we’d probably have to make them leave us again sometime, because what they had cost us was too much to offer again."

I… what did I cost you?


...


I just... keep thinking about how our grandmother responded to learning about the events of NC with absolute hatred of the evil of it. At first it seems foreign, as I don't hate TBAS and cannot and don't want to, but I do have to admit that I am bitter about it, and that is because I hate MYSELF for having participated IN those things, however dissociatedly, however passively.
God I lived like an absolute devil out there and I had to dissociate SO HARD to do it so I wouldn't hate MYSELF to death WHILE living there.
I should have stayed here back in April of last year. I should have turned off that bloody phone like I did in October. I should have burned those bridges back in December of 2017 like I wanted to. But I didn't. And that is why I am bitter, that is why anger and hate were being projected outwards for so long-- because in truth, all that vicious agony was directed towards myself. It is sheer regret, unbearable and inescapable.



(left unfinished)

 

prismaticbleed: (angel)

 

“Love transforms one into what one loves.”

— St. Catherine of Siena

“…Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you. Whoever has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me. The one who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and reveal Myself to him.” (John 14: 20-21)

This truth, I strongly believe, is also at the very profound heart of the Eucharist. Through Love, we receive the living body of Christ, and are so transformed into Him, body and soul… and equally so, through Love, Christ transforms into us, who He loves, uniting Himself with us body and soul.

It’s so staggeringly beautiful it makes me tremble. What incomprehensible depths of love!


“You are rewarded not according to your work or your time but according to the measure of your love.”

— St. Catherine of Siena

Love alone is worthy of reward. Work and time can both be given with a cold heart, or for pride, or even for fear… but such motives are not of God. For “if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.”

Let all that we so be done with love, in love, and for Love, because God is Love, and Love is worth living and dying for.
 

“Obedience shows whether you are grateful.”

— St. Catherine of Siena

This is a true measure of our faith. May our hearts be so struck with the understanding of Christ’s love for us, that they overflow with grateful obedience to that Love!
 

"It is mercy that moves us toward God, while justice frightens us before Him. In my view, this makes clear that, under a veneer of self-assuredness and self-righteousness, the man of today hides a deep knowledge of his wounds and his unworthiness before God. He is waiting for mercy."
-Pope Benedict XVI

 

Today is the day to open our hearts to it, and let the Light of Christ into every dark and hidden corner.

We are indeed sinners, unworthy and wounded, but Jesus loves us still. Jesus died for us while we were still ignorant and lost enough to reject and betray and kill Him, because He wants us to be reconciled to Him– He wants us to repent and return home. Today, on Divine Mercy Sunday, He has thrown those heavenly doors open wide.

This is the wondrous beauty of His Divine Mercy– if we are humble enough to stop hiding and pretending, if we are humble enough to admit our lowliness and need of His gift of salvation, He will lift us into His arms with deepest compassion.

 

“Have courage and do not fear the assaults of the Devil. Remember this forever; it is a healthy sign if the devil shouts and roars around your conscience, since this shows that he is not inside your will.”

— Padre Pio

I’ve been struggling with the devil’s screaming rage and torments more than ever lately, and it’s honestly terrifying. I’m so weak and it’s all so loud. Alone I’d be lost, dead for sure, but Christ has won the fight for all time! And so I must cling to Him and seek His will no matter how difficult things get.

Thank you God for this strengthening consolation. The devil only seeks to destroy what God has created, what God claims rightly as His own. I am included in this. What a humbling honor; what an empowering truth! God, by your Grace, help me stay true to You.

“Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.”

 

"But one day, our blood-bought innocence, our holy purity, will cease to be primarily a forensic reality we embrace by faith. On that day we will fully experience what it’s like to be righteous in every atom of our resurrected bodies and every dimension of our eternal, immaterial souls. We will have no more sin. No more tainted motives, no more illicit desires, no more damned selfish ambition. We will know in every part of our being what it’s like to fully obey the Great Commandment as if it’s the most natural thing in the world — for it will be! And we will worship the Lamb who was slain for us with unclouded minds and hearts bursting with joy."
-Jon Bloom

my–darling–dear: If anyone wants to know what keeps me going it’s this.

Amen to both the quote and comment.
God has promised; we wait with faithful hope.

 

“What the Bible puts before us is not a record of a God who is always triumphantly getting his way by doing miracles…but a God who gets his way by patiently struggling to make himself clear to human beings, to make his love real to them, especially when they seem not to want to know, or to want to avoid him and retreat into their own fantasies about him.”

— Rowan Williams, Tokens of Trust: An Introduction to Christian Belief, 16-17.

God is staggeringly patient with us, His sinful children, and has been for time immemorial. The absolute depth of Love evident in that truth is enough to melt even the hardest heart.

 

“The devil does not eat, he does not drink, and he does not marry, and this great ascetic in form is no less a devil…Let us always relate the non-essentials - fasting, vigil, solitude - to the principal end, the purity of heart that is love.”

Abba Moses

This is truly a game changer for Lent.

May God grant us such true humility and sincerity of heart.

 

“A lot of people think that Christianity is you doing all the righteous things you hate and avoiding all the wicked things you love in order to go to Heaven. No, that’s a lost man with religion. A Christian is a person whose heart has been changed; they have new affections.”

-Paul Washer

amore-more-ore-re: Jesus asks us to carry our cross, so we must act.
Jesus asks us to love our neighbor, so we must act.
Believing to be saved without doing anything is a satanic scam.
Satan has an interest in us not taking our cross and not loving our neighbor.

A Christian cannot help but love virtue and hate sin; it’s an inevitable and blessed consequence of loving God. Jesus has indeed given us new hearts, illuminated with His Grace and aflame with His love. Truly, once we know Him, nothing else can capture our affections, for in Him we have found and fulfilled our soul’s deepest desire.

We must also remember that Jesus calls us to Him. He calls us to love Him so, because He loves us so infinitely, beautifully more, and love cannot help but want to share everything with its Beloved… everything it has, and everything it is. And God is Love Himself! So when we answer His call, when His love allows us to respond with love, then any and every sin– all acts of distrust and rebellion and fear– become incomprehensible. We’re too deeply in love.

This, so simple and yet so profound, is at the very heart of Christanity.

 

Jesus took up His cross, and endured His entire Passion, out of love for us; indeed, we cannot ever hope to follow Him with our own crosses– so much lighter than His!– unless we too are willing to do so with unconditional love for our fellow man. Similarly, we cannot love our fellow man without also taking up the cross of Christ, for His love and His sacrifice are forever intertwined. It is indeed a work of love; it is active, it is constant, it is devoted to God, and it is the call of every Christian.

-------------------------------------------------------------------


To my followers, and to fellow Christian Tumblrs:

I’ve been having a very rough Lent in terms of mental health; I’m haunted by flashbacks and nightmares about sexual trauma and I am having a hard time coping. I’m losing a ton of weight and cannot stop crying. I know God is with me but I feel so dirty and wrong it’s blinding me to His comfort. I’m very afraid and ashamed and guilty. I feel broken and filthy and am having a hard time accepting that God can forgive me. I know that’s horrible but I must be honest.

If anyone can recommend Bible verses for this issue specifically I would be deeply grateful. All prayers are also profoundly appreciated. God bless you all.





032619

Mar. 26th, 2019 10:17 am
prismaticbleed: (angel)
Does "I'm glorifying God" come as an afterthought,  or as the initial motive? NO EXCUSES.

You can't say a foolish or misinformed behavior glorifies God by YOUR INTENT after it's done. Yes God can and WILL use it, but you cannot justify yourself by that.

032519

Mar. 25th, 2019 10:18 am
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
Chip guilt; is snack food "really okay " = no justification for something that only glorifies the flesh; rotten sensual experience versus God's plan for food as nourishment; NATURAL VS MANUFACTURED

Unconditional love: "I'll still miss you" vs "I can't miss you because I don't know you" = the NC irony. You don't need to "know" someone immediately and totally to miss them. You just need to love them. And love automatically seeks AND obtains that knowledge. I only knew a few tiny things about him and many other folks-- I don't "know them" as complete people because circumstances never allowed-- BUT I still miss them because I still love them and their lives HAVE VALUE TO ME, hence the "missing" proper.
I immediately think of old outspacers too. I WANT to know who they are as people, so of COURSE I miss them, even if I never got to spend much time with them. The "missing" comes from CARING, not from experiences obtained!!

032319

Mar. 23rd, 2019 10:20 am
prismaticbleed: (angel)

TRAMPLING DOWN all carnal desires

Unable to see or understand own sin-- safeguard against mortal sin?? Prevent conscious evil. Sad but merciful

God teaches us when we come to our senses and can weep and repent. Sin gets progressively more difficult to commit, as we increase in that grace.

Luke 15:16 makes me weep

031919

Mar. 19th, 2019 10:22 am
prismaticbleed: (angel)

Eating sins blaspheme the Eucharist

BULIMIA = THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Bible is inspired because man's nature is fallen

"Christ consciousness" new-age belief: destroys the mystery and power of the Incarnation

It is super hard to become holy, so that no man can do it of his own will or wisdom or power. It is impossible for man. Sin is his nature. God is above nature. It is only possible for Him to make us holy. HUMILITY VS PRIDE

We forgive those who know not what they do because WE know, and if THEY knew their hearts would beg forgiveness too. So we forgive them on their behalf, we open that door of hope for them, which is what CHRIST DID FOR US ALL on the Cross! Loving our enemies is SO IMPORTANT. A

Paschal lamb sacrifice = cross as temple??

Exodus 23, 34?

Psalm 97: God as LOVE with fire and thunder!!

The weakness of God in the Cross is strength unspeakable; what man could be so humble in such torture?

Jesus COULD have "saved himself" but he WOULDN'T because he wanted to save US, and True salvation is THROUGH the cross.

Nonbelievers see conversion as divisive?? "Gaining followers" almost. No conception of the saving grace. That requires HUMILITY and admission of sinfulness

The world sees honorable things as ridiculous, and vice versa-- look at the media, toys, books, etc..

STUDY THE STATIONS: ROMANS 6:6

Dying from sin vs dying TO sin

+ "crucify him" for BLASPHEMY-- we who are Christians, dishonoring Jesus

Falsehood vs dishonesty; theft is taking without paying? (Without knowledge or consent!) Entitlement!

‘riches were a proof of divine approbation: love of wealth was a love of God’s favour: thus they sanctified avarice.’

Daemons:
"What the wicked man fears overtakes him,  what the virtuous desires comes to him as a present" ???

PROVERBS 10 SELF ANALYSIS

Write about the visions of hell-- the devils speaking of all our sins; we cannot justify

We share in Christ's suffering by accepting ours; we deserve this pain for our sins, BUT Jesus bore them all to justify us. So our accepting this share of pain is just, and it also, I hope, alleviates a small amount of Christ's pain. We take sips of the Chalice for His sake, for Love.


prismaticbleed: (Default)



SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JESS??



Kid…

Laurie--!!


…We live in a secular world and it's shit. This is literally its own encapsulated hell. I want outta here.


How?

Easy. Redefine our roots. Something. Build on a different foundation, heh. What's that prayer you say every day now? The Psalm at 12 o' clock, I think.

I think it's None, actually. "If the Lord does not build the house for us, its builders labor in vain…"


Yeah, yeah that's the one! And you always think of me. "It is vain for you to rise before the dawn, and go late to your rest, eating the bread of toil… to those he loves, the Lord gives sleep." And then it talks about kids.

Yeah.


…Kid, girl, Jess, whoever you are.

All of those things. And Jewel, deep down at heart.


A new one, though. A new one. Pinkish, somehow. Not the original Klonoa-haired girl. She's too… manic. And I can feel the red rubbing you the wrong way with its brashness and brazenness. You're… pink. Soft. Gentle. But strong, too, somehow. Like a sunrise. "Here, look at this indomitable beauty from God." You wanna testify to that in your every heartbeat. You wanna shine like that. That's what you are. I can feel it.


That means a lot. I only want to glorify God, I'm sick of pride and selfishness and indulgence.


Kid, I know, that shit's exhausting and useless the way it is.


Qoheleth. "Vanity of vanities, all things are vanity!"


Didn't you say that struck you as a kid?


Don't you remember it? That feels like it has your roots in it somewhere. Purple and Violet stuff.


Is that color theory still legit in your new life?


As long as it glorifies God, and brings us all closer to Him, and helps us trueheartedly serve Him alone in our works, and in others, and the like. So, potentially, yes it can, and it should, because anything that doesn't is unreal and will be and should be destroyed.

Heck yes, I can agree with that.


By the way, you need to stop using profanity.


I know. Been trying for years. Gotta try real hard now, I daresay.


Same with overcoming this eating disorder.


Easier said than done?


Ironically, no. Faith makes all things heart-meltingly easy, even enthusiastically so. But without faith…

It's impossible.


Exactly. Hold on, gotta take a break and help grandma with her eyedrops.


Kid, actually, put this on hold for now. It's 7:30 and you gotta go to bed for 8 and we've got to try harder than ever tomorrow, to heal, and grow, and love. And we've gotta talk about this Broken Arrows stuff once we read more of the old entries. Are we gonna restore the archives?

I have no idea. Should we?


Dunno, kid. Pray about it.


Will do.


Have a good night, Jess. We love you. I love you. Let us help you serve God in the way you need to. God knows we need to, too.


I love you all too, sincerely, and I am truly deeply thankful that God brought us all together in life, whatever and however we are. I love you too, Laurie. Good night.

Good night, kid. See you tomorrow.



030319

Mar. 3rd, 2019 09:34 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

I'm giving away my Aywas account.
I have to. I prayed to God about it and I listened to what the Spirit said-felt to me about it and I have to.
I was playing Grave Robber the other week, and although I was listening to religious music, it hit me that I was wasting my time. What was the "fruit" of that action? Gaining imaginary points on a website that could be erased from existence in a heartbeat, should anything happen to its servers. Qoheleth, again, bless his heart. Honestly. All these games, all this online stuff, it's all dust. It's all temporary and really, is it serving any true good? You can justify it all you want for selfish and desperate reasons, but if you sit and really ask God about it, and listen… then you realize that no, it is not serving the Truth. All that time I spent on Aywas, collecting pets and playing games, is time I could have spent studying Scripture, or praying, or reading about my faith, or spreading the Gospel, or otherwise directly and sincerely working to strengthen my devotion to God and inspire the same fire of divine love in the hearts of others.
Yes, I did what I could to testify to God's goodness even on my Aywas account. BUT!! And here's the kicker. That site is full of idolatrous references. And THAT is what I ultimately MUST remind myself of, when I think of going back.
There's gambling, and a crystal ball, and witches, in the games section. There are pets that DIRECTLY reference demons, and hell, and witchcraft, and other spiritually harmful things. And I do not want to be exposing my mind to that sort of thing anymore. Because once you start saying "aw, but it's just a pet site!" You've taken the first step on the road to destruction. You CANNOT EVER TREAT SINFUL BEHAVIOR LIGHTLY. That is lethal.
So I've got to leave. I cannot hang around on that site and thus passively "act like it's okay" for a Christian to be associated with such things. I can't. It makes me nauseous. So I'm leaving.

I thought the same thing this morning, watching the trailer for the upcoming new Pokemon games. True, I legitimately teared up at the beauty of the music, and the graphics, at how pretty and wondrous it was. BUT. I know for a fact that I could not play them, because that's another waste of time. Idle hands are the devil's playthings, and the devil's MOST WICKED TRICK is pretending he's the good guy. And he's SNEAKY. Which is TERRIFYING. Here's a game that looks cute and fun and beautiful and harmless, but then you realize that it's still taking time away from the service of God. Neutrality in a war takes the side of the oppressor, as it were.
Not only that, but Pokemon is based around battles. Try to justify that all you want, but the bottom line is that it's casual fighting. It seeps into the subconscious and makes one view violence as "acceptable under certain circumstances." Hence the ESRB warning, "cartoon violence." It's still violence. And THAT is the insidious nature of sin.
Not only that, but Pokemon is ALSO full of pagan and witchcrafty references, which is harmful to the spirit. And the goal to "catch them all" can easily promote greed, pride, envy… frustration, anxiety, sloth, etc. Hours of playing games, trying to "be the best," and what do you get in the end? Nothing. No fruit, just thorns. And what happens if that game cartridge or disc gets broken? You lose it all! And then you feel regret and sorrow and shame that all that time was for nothing. Treasure on earth is always dust in the end.

So I'm reevaluating my life very thoroughly in light of all this.
I know that my biggest time-waster is this eating disorder that I am, thanks solely to the grace of God, recovering from at an unprecedented pace. Yes, I do spend my entire time while eating reading and promoting Scripture, but I could give God SO much more attention and devotion if I WASN'T multitasking. True, I'd still involve God in my mealtimes, but I need to minimize the amount of time attached to meals, so I can give more time to God ONLY.

Which was making me wonder, today. In the past, when I was still living that self-centered hell of D.I.D., what in the world did I do with my time? What was my life like, to not have thought of God with any genuine depth?

…Reading through some archives, all I did was talk about myself. It's TERRIFYING. No wonder I was always lost and miserable! I never gave a sincere thought to God or Christ my Savior at ALL. True, He never abandoned me, and was always calling me back home to Him, and my heart-- through His grace-- never let go of that thread of faith either. But God knows how thin a thread it was at times.

And we dwelled on such evil. God have mercy on our soul, no wonder we never got any better. Instead of turning our thoughts to God, to Scripture, to prayer and service, we morbidly obsessed over our past, over illness and trauma and complaints and fear… it's honestly frightening to see. Thank God, oh thank God I'm leaving that behind.

What was the beauty of the System, that I feel loathe to leave behind?

I WANT to integrate, to heal my mind and heart and soul completely, so that I am no longer "compartmentalized" to the point of being unable to be whole.
But there was beauty in those other "selves," I suspect.

BEAUTY IS OF GOD. GOD IS BEAUTY ITSELF.
THE SYSTEM HAD NO CLAIM TO IT. YOUR SPIRIT WAS STARVING FOR TRUTH. YOU WERE LOOKING IN THE WRONG PLACES.

 

prismaticbleed: (angel)

“You’ve been recreated and the only one who can satisfy you is Christ and that’s why it’s useless to go to other things.”

— Paul Washer

We have died to this world by sharing in Christ’s death and resurrection. We are children of God now, living for His Kingdom– this world cannot satisfy us any more than a bird can breathe underwater.
 

“Your weakness is a catalyst to push you to grab harder onto Christ so that you might be filled.”

— Paul Washer

We were created to seek Him, and our souls cannot rest until they rest in Him.

The pain and misery our weakness creates in our lives stand in stark ugly contrast to the joy of God, which we foolishly seek in earthly things, until Grace makes our misdirection undeniably apparent and we are moved, weeping yet hopeful, to seek Him wholeheartedly. Once we truly experience God, then even the sufferings we endure for His sake will be sweeter than any earthly “delight.” Have faith– empty yourself of the world so He can fill you!

 


“Idolatry is when you become the source of your own joy. Poverty of spirit is a wonderful thing.”

— Paul Washer

God will mercifully destroy that idolatrous spirit, I can assure you. Those fleeting shallow “joys” will be proven empty beyond any doubt. God will bring you to the lowest place, will knock you off your false throne, will show you just how lost you are… and all of this He does to free you. God will crush your idols, even your self– nay, especially your self– because He loves you, but He hates sin, and He justly and mercifully must act on that holy truth, for His glory… and then He sends us Jesus, incarnate Word– incarnate love, mercy, justice, hope– to pardon our ignorant pride, if we are humbled enough to sincerely admit it and repent. Pray for this grace, fellow sorrowful sinners! Pray for His Spirit to move us to true contrition, to turn our position of kneeling misery into one of kneeling worship. May we all become vividly aware of the poverty of our souls without God, and His richness that surpasses everything else in Creation. May we admit that we are dust, worthy of neither praise nor pardon, and may we cling to Him, Who has mercifully delivered us, for all our joy both here and hereafter– for indeed, there is no joy besides Him.
 

“Most people think the Christian life is this: denying yourself all these worldly pleasures so that you can get to Heaven, but if you’re a new creature worldly pleasures are no longer a pleasure!”

— Paul Washer

AMEN.

Once you’ve tasted the sweetness of God, all the fleeting pleasures of the world are revealed to be but dust and ashes. God does not call us to a denial of happiness, but to a realization of true happiness– to the joyous knowledge of His infinite Goodness, and to the holy hunger for His Word and Presence.

That’s what I love about Lent. It’s not about temporarily abstaining from a worldly enjoyment, only to pick it up again in 40 days. No, Lent is about releasing our attachments to everything that isn’t God, so that by Easter, we are closer to Him than ever before, our hearts recognizing their fulfillment in Him alone.

Heaven is unity with God. Heaven is the Presence of God. That final destination should be our heart’s sole desire. Let us spend our little lives here in fervent hopeful loving devotion, striving with all sincerity of faith to enter that narrow and glorious gate!!
 

“You may say, ‘God doesn’t hate anybody. God is love.’ No, my friend. You need to understand something. Jesus Christ taught, the prophets taught, the apostles taught this: that apart from the grace of God revealed in Jesus Christ our Lord the only thing left for you is the wrath, the fierce anger of God because of your rebellion and your sin.”

—Paul Washer

This is a VITAL distinction!!

God is indeed Love, but therefore, God hates all that is not love. Every ugly vice, every selfish sin, every act of rebellion against that unchanging sublime nature of God, will be destroyed, because it cannot continue by the simple fact that it stands in opposition to All That Is.

 

 


“Why is sin so terrible? Because it’s committed against God. Why don’t we tremble? Because we don’t know what that means. And why don’t we know what that means? Because we do not know who God is–such a glorious and blessed Being.Imagine this for a moment. God stands there on the day of creation and He tells planets to put themselves in certain orbits in space, and they all bow down, and say “Amen”, and obey Him. He tells stars to find their place in the sky and to follow His decree to the letter, and they all bow down and obey Him. He tells mountains to be lifted up and valleys to be cast down and they bow down and worship. He tells the brave sea, “You will come to this point and you will come no farther,” and the sea adores. And yet God tells you to come, and you go “No!” How wicked is our sin? Do you see?Dear people, we’re always getting a one-sided story. I’m going to talk about the love of God tonight in a way possibly you’ve never known it. But in order for you to appreciate the love of God you’ve got to understand something. His love is exalted in the same way the stars are exalted by a pitch black sky.Let me ask you a question: where did the stars go this afternoon? Did someone put them all in a basket and carried them away? How come when you looked up you didn’t see them? Because there was so much light. You could not marvel at their beauty. You could not even see them. In the same way you cannot see the stars of God’s grace and His love with so much light, when preachers tell you that men are so good. The only way to truly appreciate the love of God and the grace of God is to see the pitch black darkness of man. And when you see the pitch black darkness of your own heart and you realize that God moved in love for you, it causes you to fall down on your knees with the greatest esteem, and worship God.”

— Paul Washer

The nature of sin is the most frightening thing imaginable. God have mercy on us in our ignorant rebellion! This terrible reality hits hard during Lent… but then, so equally does the tremendous reality of Easter. Through Jesus, we see beyond all doubt the blessed proof that God loves us still. Jesus loved us even when we betrayed, insulted, and crucified Him… even when our sins do so to this day. And how does our Lord even respond, to this day? “Father, forgive them; they know not what they do!And why didn’t we know? Because we were indeed blinded by our pride, by our delusions of self-righteousness. We were so focused on ourselves, we wouldn’t even look up to see the stars, let alone His tender aching gaze from the Cross. We were blind to love itself. So what a blessing it is, then, that we are given these holy darknesses, these trials and humiliations and struggles, to reveal to us the gorgeous undying light of our Savior– who we can only acknowledge and embrace as such once we realize and admit our need of salvation. And that realization– that sudden awareness of the terror of sin– is so horrific, it can nearly kill us. It can tempt us to awful despair. But fear not! God is merciful! When we fall to our knees in trembling contrition, He reaches down to us and lifts that sin from our broken backs, and from that same position of surrender we are now gracefully enabled to worship instead.

Let us look up at the stars, feel how small we are, how vast the darkness is, how great our sins are… and in humility and awe, may that same massive reality reveal to us the greatness of God, of His light and love and mercy… and the greatest fact of all, which is that the Creator of the stars humbled Himself enough to come to us personally, in our sin, in our darkness, to wake us up, to forgive and heal us, and invite us to share in His Perfect Light.

Realizing that, we are indeed moved to adore Him with everything we are.
 

“I have given God countless reasons not to love me. None of them has been strong enough to change Him.”

—Paul Washer

God is Love, and God is unchanging. He can’t not love us. Jesus Christ is literal living proof of this.

This is the greatest, most beautiful hope imaginable– and how it moves one’s heart to weeping, with both contrition and inexpressible joy! How could we not then, in return, offer all our love to God, despite all “countless reasons” of offense before? If God loves us still, if God opens His heart and arms to us still, sinners though we are, then let us reflect His love back in gratitude, and offer our very lives with ardor.

 

my–darling–dear2: If you haven’t spent time with God today, stop what you are doing and do it right now. Spending time with Him is infinitely more important and valuable than anything you could possibly be doing. Set down your social media, your friends and family, homework, Netflix, video games, even your sleep schedule, and get into His word. Your soul needs His word daily, it longs and pants and hungers for it. Don’t starve your soul.

God should be the first thought on your mind when you awake, the last thought in your heart as you fall asleep, and the beloved motivation within all your actions during the day.

God made us to seek Him! Our souls literally starve without Him, without His Word and His Presence. He must remain our top priority, for apart from Him we are nothing and we have nothing… but with Him, we have everything, for He is our everything.

God is the Source of all joy, and He wants to give that to you– but you must humble yourself and make room in your heart to receive it– in truth, your heart must be emptied of all other desires, because God is infinite love, and can only be held by a heart totally devoted to Him.

Spend time with God today. Spend time with Him every day, in every breath, in every heartbeat. It’s more important than anything else in the universe.
 

travelinglighttoday: Friend, you can beat your addiction and gain the victory. Then you will feel like a champion and soon have evidence of a remarkable transformation. Faith is the key. Freedom!

To all my fellow Christians suffering from addictions, disorders, and habitual sins– the only key to victory is humility. Only Christ can win the war, for victory is already His! For Him to conquer, we must surrender to His will; we must empty ourselves of all pride and conceit, so He can work through us for His glory.

We cannot overcome this by ourselves! We must be meek enough to accept that. All the power in the universe is in God’s hands alone– but if we turn to Him in humble contrite love, He will use that very power on our behalf, to deliver us for His sake. Dont let the devil fool you. We can do all things only through Christ who strengthens us. Pride will only keep you stuck in the hellish loop you are so desperately seeking freedom from.

True joy, true peace, true freedom– all of those things come from God, for they are of His very essence, and nothing in this world can give them to you. Set your heart on heaven. Seek Christ before everything else, and He will give you what you truly need. Don’t be afraid.

On this blessed Laetare Sunday, may all of us who suffer cling to the hope of Easter, to the resurrection of Christ, to that eternal and indomitable proclamation of the victory of Life over death, of Love over hate, of Forgiveness over cruelty. Unite your sufferings to His, crucify the wickedness of the flesh, and so follow Him wholeheartedly on this royal road of Lent, remembering always what the Cross leads to… eternal life. This is God’s merciful promise to everyone who follows His Way. Take His yoke upon you now– draw ever closer to Him, and let Him cast off the yoke of slavery to sin! He will bring us to share in His victory.

Let us rejoice in the Lord!
 

Charles Spurgeon once said, “Very few Christians believe in the resurrection.”  If we really believed in the resurrection in our hearts, our lives would be radically different.  We would not be so consumed with the things that are temporary, but rather with the things that are eternal.
-Albert Finch

I am guilty of this. Even in my beloved Catholic upbringing, the only time I heard about the Resurrection with any impact was at Easter, and at that age I did not understand how it applied to my life and death in Him, nor did I grasp any of the related, profound and beautiful depths of that great Mystery. Realizing this ignorance now, I am zealously determined to seek Him all the more now, as Lent reminds me of my feeble frame of dust. Without the Resurrection, I would never be anything more, but with it, oh, God has opened the door to true and eternal life, even for one as wretched as I!!

May we all use this blessed season of Lent, and the joyous Easter to follow, as a time to sincerely strengthen our belief in Jesus’s Resurrection, to apply its glorious hope to our lives, and to live all the more completely and fervently in the faith in the World and Life to come… and may those who have never before heard Our Lord’s promise, come to receive it humbly and wholeheartedly with us, and like the Good Thief– who we all can see in ourselves– so join with us, through Christ, in God’s eternal joy.

We ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Amen!


“It may seem like [Catholics] are taking away some of the respect due to Jesus and giving it to Mary. This is far from the case.”
-Father Mike Schmitz

Father Schmitz succinctly and strongly clarifies Mary’s God-given role as our Mother, reminding us that Jesus Christ Himself declared this from the Cross. We, too, like the beloved Disciple, are called to take her into our homes– into our hearts. She is the New Eve: the mother of the New Creation, of the family of believers Jesus has called us to become through Him… and just as He entered our fallen world through Mary’s trusting faith, so we too enter His Kingdom by joining with her in that same virtuous “fiat.” As the children of God, we are also her children, just like Jesus, our Lord and brother.

Mary is “she that comes forth as the morning rising, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, terrible as an army set in battle array” – proclaiming the coming of the Kingdom, reflecting the Light of God to us, exemplifying His virtues, and standing immovable against the devil and the world.

Mary is indeed our mother, and thank God for that!

 

emeraldboreas: Roman Catholic Christianity is a religion, not a culture. You cannot accept only the aspects of the faith you like and not others, as one might with cultural practices.

If you are an atheist, you are not Catholic. If you think abortion is a-okay, you are not Catholic. If you reject the Real Presence, you are not Catholic. If you believe in reincarnation, you are not Catholic.

This isn’t just some blogger’s opinion. This is Church dogma. There are countless resources explaining the Church’s views on every item imaginable; if you’re unsure about something, you can research it. If you have researched it and reject the teachings, congratulations, you’ve entered the thrilling world of apostasy.

chickenlittlefearsme: Catholics aren’t one set kind of people. There are homophobic Catholics, and there are gay Catholics. There are Catholics who are pro-life, and ones who are pro-choice. What they have in common is that they believe in the same thing. Sure, a book might have some rules that the majority of them follow, but each Catholic is entitled to support whatever they want to support. Don’t let what you support stop you from believing what you want to believe.

 

thatoneprolifegirl: Yeah you can believe what you want to believe, but the moment you start extensively believing something that isn’t in the Catholic dogma, Tradition, etc, you are not Catholic.
Yes they’re may be people who are pro choice and also consider themselves Catholic. But by being pro choice, they are contradicting their own faith. They are not Catholic.
All Catholics may believe the same thing in that God is real. But it goes deeper than the simple things. If you are Catholic, you must show it in your actions. Supporting abortion and the free choice to have one is not a Catholic ideal, so therefore you are not Catholic if you do do that. Same goes for things like homosexual acts, euthanasia, gender transitioning, Sola Scriptura, etc. Same goes for things like being anti Eucharist/transubstantiation, anti Papal Infallibility, anti Catholic dogma/Tradition, etc.

“Catholic” isn’t a label you can slap onto any set of beliefs, as long as they include Jesus Christ. To do so is profoundly disrespectful. To be a Catholic, you Must adhere to its particular beliefs. This is basic integrity of profession. To actively oppose or contradict those beliefs, yet to claim their title, you inevitably become a hypocrite and a liar. Be careful!

If you claim to be Catholic but disagree with Catholic dogma, ask yourself: why? Do I feel the Church is mistaken or misinformed? Have I researched the reasons why the Church believes this? Am I afraid of accepting this belief, for fear of the change it would demand in my own lifestyle and/or worldview?

Religion is the most serious business of your earthly life, for it also concerns your fate in the next. Pray about it! Be honest and seek true understanding! To all hearts who earnestly seek Truth, who humbly concede “Thy will, not mine, be done ”– to all hearts who yearn for righteousness, God will lead them to it– to Him, the Source of all Good and Truth, through His Son’s merciful heart, to learn and love and Live. This He has promised to us. Have faith!


“In life, our priorities should not be God, then family, then ministry. It’s God, then God, then God, then God.”

— Todd White 

“This is the most important [Commandment]: ‘Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.“ (Mark 12:29-31)

Our love and devotion to God must take priority over all things, but that priority must therefore ALSO manifest itself within our love and service to ALL else in our life. Therefore our priorities will always be God, then God, then God, etc ad infinitum, without the cold hypocrisy of claiming to love God to the exclusion of our neighbor.
 

 

lizmargaret: When God sets you free: Do not look back. Do not check back. Do not go back. Do not doubt or question your freedom in the first place. You are free. You have been freely given victory. You are not missing out on anything. Your portion is not back there. 
So, walk forward.

“Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

- Luke 9:62

We have been called out of our sinful pasts and into the glorious hope of God’s Kingdom. So keep your eyes fixed ahead– fixed joyously on Jesus Christ– and walk in His Way!

 

thesovereignword: Christian, pray for celebrities. Pray for your next door neighbor. Pray for random people you see walking down the street. Pray for your professors, and bosses, and coworkers, and news anchors, and mailmen. Pray for your bus driver, and the local librarian, and the homeless man standing on the side of the road. That person you’re having trouble forgiving—pray hard for them. Pray for friends, and family, and enemies, and strangers. Pray.

My local Legion of Mary were just discussing this last night. When we feel overwhelmed by the troubles of this world, we must turn to Him who has overcome the world– to God, who alone can do all things. Everyone needs to pray, and everyone needs to be prayed for. We are all sinners that need mercy, and we are all neighbors that need love. Pray always! Lift up your hearts and hands to God in earnest goodwill– He will listen.

 

 

DO YOU WANT TO FAST THIS LENT?
In the words of Pope Francis:
• Fast from hurting words and say kind words.
• Fast from sadness and be filled with gratitude.
• Fast from anger and be filled with patience.
• Fast from pessimism and be filled with hope.
• Fast from worries and have trust in God.
• Fast from complaints and contemplate simplicity.
• Fast from pressures and be prayerful.
• Fast from bitterness and fill your hearts with joy.
• Fast from selfishness and be compassionate to others.
• Fast from grudges and be reconciled.
• Fast from words and be silent so you can listen.

I am chronically ill and recovering from severe anorexia, so my parish priest told me NOT to fast from food during Lent, even though I wanted to for spiritual purposes. But it woukd be too much of a medical risk. So seeing this list is such a powerful comfort and hope for me! I do want to fast from worldly things, but even if I cannot abstain from eating as others do, there are indeed many other sincere, prayerful, and deeply effective ways to fast this Lent, and so grow closer to God. Thank you so much for sharing this.

 

foreverpatriciafree: IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO COME BACK TO JESUS.
HE IS WAITING FOR YOU.
JESUS IS THE ONLY WAY …..

Find Him, seek Him, in the deserts, in the forests, in the seas of your soul… seek Him away from the deafening noise of this lost world. Listen for His voice in the silence of your humbled heart. He IS there. Return to Him! Today is the day!

 

"Christianity is about Who God Is, not who you are. You being His Witness means you're testifying to His Power and Love and how it changed you, not your own ability to change yourself, because you never could."

 

AMEN.

I tried to heal and change and fix myself for 15 years. Nothing worked… until I gave up, threw myself at Jesus’s feet, and prayed for His help.
It worked. HE worked. And He’s still working, as long as I stand out of the way, grateful and humble and trusting.
All glory and honor be to God!!

 


022119

Feb. 21st, 2019 10:10 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
A life not lived in the service of God is a life wasted most bitterly.

I've been thinking about that a lot, lately. How the devil cannot take us away from the pierced salvatory hands of Jesus, so he tries instead to waste our time and lives so we cannot do any true good for God.
That's basically the point of the eating disorder I am battling.



tried to read some of our old archives, from late 2017, the time period that s insists we were "the healthiest ever."
nope. one glance at the writing and my stomach hit the floor.
we CANNOT READ THOSE THINGS. they will throw us RIGHT BACK INTO HELL.
my goodness if they thought THAT was healthy I don't want to know what they see in us now. actually, no, I do. I want to know what hurt them, why they're angry, etc. so that I can truly examine my conscience and ask God for help in becoming kinder and more righteous in HIS ways, in what is truly His will.


that's the issue. I have this awful sinking feeling that, what s saw as "healthy" in us, was truly sinful and soul-annihilatory.

021319

Feb. 13th, 2019 09:36 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)


I want to live so that I can become a saint, so that I can atone for all the mental illness lies and blasphemy I previously lived as.

I want my life to be such an act of love and faith to God, that people don't see me anymore. I genuinely want to let go of that "Lotus Cathedral" selfishness, and instead turn all the focus to God. I want my life to be a testament to the greatness of God, to the love and mercy of Jesus, to how much their love changed and saved me, and moved me to channel that to others for His sake. "I must decrease."

S called me a "soulless husk" because I am now "hyperreligious" in their eyes, and they se the mental-illness lies of my past to be the truth. That breaks my heart, but I cannot change how they think. It is a terribly painful cross to bear, the knowledge that in genuinely trying to let go of that dark past, forgive them and myself, do penance and change my ways for what I did and allowed to be done, and purify my heart, they see me as having "lost my mind."
They say I "died." Ironically, they are right. I am dying to this world, and to my past, and to sin, and to vice, and to falsehood. God is crucifying my ego and old corrupted self, and allowing me to be reborn through His Most Beloved Son, into a new life, a TRUE life.

Even writing this, I feel sheepish, somewhere. I am aware of how the world mocks this sort of testimony and language. I know that S, and my mother, and my brother, would all scoff at this, call it insane, stupid, foolish, etc. Saint Paul says I should rejoice at this, for it is partaking in the Cross of Christ, and it is proof that I am following Him and not the world. I am trying. God alone can do it, and I am learning to trust and surrender to Him more.
Still, I will not deny, it hurts, to want to embrace these people as fellow Christians, and for them to reject that possibility. Jesus weeps as well.
I must continue to pray, and learn to sacrifice better, for their conversion. That's all I can do. Right now the knowledge of what they think of God and of my returning to Him, knowing that they see it as utter foolishness, to be laughed at and mocked and even destroyed if it gets too uncomfortable, breaks my heart so badly I can't stop crying. How can you reject God so blatantly? And yet I am aware of my own sin, and it terrifies me, and I weep all the more for that, for contrition. And I wish desperately to see those I love delivered from that same old hell. All I can do is pray. God help us all, in your mercy, please. Call us all to you.

022219

Feb. 2nd, 2019 11:24 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


what in the world am I feeling about reading tbas's entries.

every time they mention me-- or rather, who I "was"-- it's somehow bitter. talking about how I wounded them, how I betrayed them, how they and I both "died" last year, how they "deserve better than what I did to them," etc.

I don't hate them; I'm not angry at them. but there's this horrible sadness of sorts in me from it?

we cannot be friends, not truly. not with our massively differing views on morality. that's the huge wall between us.



it's… dissonance.

it's reading about how they is so happy, how they're in love again, how their system is all in love, how they are apparently healing and growing and bettering themselves.

and amidst all that, talking about how terrible I was to them. how they are glad it's over. how they'd never want us back in their life. how there's this sort of vindication in it.

and yet, how they still says "[we're] beautiful" and that they "love us" and that they "hope we find peace."

it feels… jarring.

because I have found peace. I have found God. and yet they consider that insanity.

they sees my "system" as beautiful but not my faith, it seems. not my struggles to become truly moral and faithful.

and they claim they loves me-- and I don't doubt they do-- but it's that uncomfortable sort of response, of hearing "I love you, and therefore I want you to be different than you are now.” them feelings of love trapped on an old, false image of me.

if they met me now, if they had never met me before now, and knew me only as I am now-- as someone struggling with past sins and falsehoods and wrongdoing, as someone still struggling with sin, but who is pouring their entire heart and soul into their faith in response, into serving Christ, into the joy of that, of Scripture and prayer and contrition and laying my heart on His altar over and over again, weeping with hope-- if they saw me now, would they love me?

something sickened inside me says no, probably not. they'd pity me. they'd think I was "pretty" perhaps, but shake them head at my religion.



I think that's why I'm so sad.

the true me, the "me" reborn in Christ, is to them a lie. to them, I'm insane. I'm broken. I'm lost. to them, the "real me" is the "system" that lived in blatant shocking sin for a year with them, blinded by indulgent self-love, thinking that was true love, when in reality it was not.

disturbed because there was still caring and compassion and joy and yet in hindsight it all feels so hollow. how do I respond to that?



I cannot reconcile how they is apparently feeling now, with how I felt living with them, as them almost, and with how they are living now.

the fact that they is so happy, and thriving, and joyful, and yet they see nothing wrong with their sexual immorality, and their infidelity to religion…

but they're a better person than me.

I want to say they don't lie or steal, but they do, and admitted that to me openly. but who I am I to judge. I too have lied and stolen and I hate it.

do they? can they "hate" those sinful qualities in their heart? or will they try to "love them away" with the false love of daemons, that terrifyingly convincing farce of the devil that I fell victim to for years?

they believe their body and soul are innocent, are incapable of being evil. they do not believe in sin, I don't think. and they're so happy.



that's terrifying, to me. it makes me feel very very sick. it makes me wonder if I'm doing something truly sinful instead, to not be happy, to instead be hyperaware of my flaws and sins and grievous errors.



and yet they are wanting to knit things for homeless shelters. and they were always so nice to me.

that makes them a "good person," right?



"no one is good but God." mark 10:18.



found this.

"…although he had devoted himself to keeping the commandments, he had failed to keep the first and greatest of the commandments—love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. The man’s riches were of more worth to him than God, and thus he was not "good" in the eyes of God… Jesus’ fundamental lesson theme is that goodness flows not from a man’s deeds, but rather from God Himself. Jesus invites the man to follow Him, the only means of doing good by God’s ultimate standard. Jesus describes to the young ruler what it means to follow Him—to be willing to give up everything, thus putting God first."



I need to meditate on that. maybe that'll be my Bible study tomorrow.

( I love Bible study so much; the thought of meditating on God forever makes me weep with JOY)

but… that's scary, to me. the fact that someone can indeed be "good" in the eyes of the world, and YET, if they don't put God first, they AREN'T TRULY "GOOD."



I'm not "good" yet. no. every time I sin I am bad, bad bad bad. every time I fall victim to sin and gluttony, to judgment, to pride, to anger… I am BAD. every time I lie or steal or connive or do something equally disgustingly selfish and sinful. I want to throw up just thinking about it. the fact that I CAN and HAVE done such atrocious things. I want to cry forever and rip out my hair wailing in sorrow.



does tbas ever feel that way?

I guess that's what scares me. I could never be truly their friend unless I knew that they did. and I don't think they can, with their worldview.

so when I see them doing kind and good things, and yet I know that they do not see themself as a sinner, even so, that hurts my brain and frightens me.



I don't know. that's all I can say for tonight. I'm realizing how bad I've been and how bad I was to them and I want to cry. I have to beg forgiveness. I have to admit it all, type it all out, beg forgiveness from God, heal, grow, learn, move closer to God.



right now I have to sleep and cry.

being a Christian is full of sorrow.

but where is my hope? where is my joy?

my hope and my joy are in the Lord, who made heaven and earth, who sent His only begotten Son to die for me and take away my sins… who loves me and loved me even when I was lost and drowning and blind in sin. he died for me then, even then, to SAVE me from sin, and call me home.

yes I'm an ugly wretched horrible sinner. I'm disgusting and filthy and worthless.

but I cannot despair. I cannot give in to that trick of the devil.

God, Jesus, is calling me to repentance, to lay my sins before Him so he can wash them away, and teach me to walk in the Light.

I need to lay those sins before him, truly. to let go of them, and be TRULY SORRY, and let Him hopefully in His great mercy forgive me and wash me clean of them.

but I cannot stop weeping. God console my poor wrecked heart. I have been so bad. I KEEP DOING BAD THINGS. I can't handle it.



God help me.

I need to sleep. I need to pray. these tears have purpose.

Jesus, into your hands I commend my wretched spirit. please, do with me as you will, but please, have mercy on my poor soul. I am naught but a worthless sinner but deep down in my heart of hearts I love you, for you first loved me, and allowed me to feel that love in return in the first place. without you I am nothing. please, do not abandon me, but call me ever closer to yourself, to your Divine Heart, so that I may learn how to please you, as well as any human possibly can in their poor fallen state.

Lord, help me. help me. I cannot do anything without you. I am so sad. HELP me. please. please I don't know what question to ask even but I beg the Holy Spirit to have mercy and intercede for me. hear the mourning and wailing of my poor wretched broken heart, and please heal me in a way that will serve Your greater good purposes. may thy will be done, and don't let me be a hypocrite.

bend me to your will. make me your suffering joyful servant. wrench me away from the jaws of sin. bind me to you forever. enslave me to your love. free me from the yoke of sin and pull me to yourself. you are all I want, dear God, even if that makes me sound like a liar. please. I could cry forever. I should cry forever. I am such a hypocrite and stupid sinful wretch. I love you, I want to be with you, I adore you, and yet I sin!!!! what is that???? it's hypocrisy. it's nauseating. I want to throw up. I can't stand sinning anymore. I could die from it. I AM dying from it.



God, Lord, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit, save me. please.

I have nothing left in this world but you, and I want nothing more but you.

please. save me in your merciful love.

teach me, chance me, move me. help me to truly love you, as you want me to love you, as I should love you. help me to obey your every word and command, and inspire others to do the same. help me to truly love you. help me to love. amen.



goodnight.

prismaticbleed: (angel)

“Oh child of suffering, be patient. God has not passed you over in His providence. He who is the feeder of sparrows will also furnish you with what you need. Take up the arms of faith against a sea of trouble. There is one who cares for you. His eye is fixed on you, His heart beats with pity for your woe, and His omnipotent hand will bring you the needed help. The darkest cloud will scatter itself in showers of mercy. The blackest gloom will give place to the morning. He, if you are one of His family, will bind up your wounds and heal your broken heart.”

— C.H. Spurgeon

My immediate terror upon reading this was, “I’m too sinful, too bad, too horrible. I can’t be one of His family.” But then I realized, how many times Jesus has already bound up my wounds and lifted me back to my feet, sternly but with love, tenderly but with great warning. I run to him weeping on a daily basis and He always dries my tears, and promises me we will try again, always, together. I hope, oh how I hope, I can stay part of His family. By His grace that is all I want, to be with Him, truly, always, here as well as in the hereafter.


"The word ‘revive’ means ‘to be restored to life.’ Revival can’t come to anything that hasn’t died! You want to see ‘revival”? You can start by dying to yourself!"
- Mattie Montgomery
This is SO fiercely hopeful!
Remember the Cross, and run to embrace it!

"Oh Lord, may I be directed what to do and what to leave undone." 
- Elizabeth Fry

Reading, studying, and meditating upon Scripture helps IMMENSELY. Humbly open your heart to the Holy Spirit speaking through God’s Word, and I assure you, you Will receive such direction.


"Even now,” declares the LORD, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.” Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity." 
-Joel 2:12-13

Amen!
May our holy fear and love of the Lord always move our poor hearts to return to Him with all humble and devout sincerity, every single time we stumble. He will receive us with open arms, and guide us in the way we should walk.

"Occupy your minds with good thoughts, or the enemy will fill them with bad ones." 
- St. Thomas More

I’ve realized this in raw experience lately. It’s very important to remember! Let us meditate always on the Lord and His Goodness, His Law, His Word, His Mercy… let us keep our minds and hearts and thoughts fixed on Him always!

"The unregenerate are seeking happiness, peace of mind, relief from guilt, a meaningful life, and a host of other things that we know only God can give them. But they are not seeking God. They are seeking the benefits of God. Natural man’s sin is precisely this: He wants the benefits of God without God Himself." 

- R.C. Sproul

 

This is so deep and so terrible. All addictions, all dishonest behavior, all sins spring from this. Even the most violent offenses begin with this single blasphemous desire, born from a lack of trust in God, a lack of love for God, that inevitably mutates into something utterly monstrous.
God is Joy, Peace, Forgiveness, Purpose, Love… God IS the Answer. That is the gloriously unalterable Truth, and ultimately every lie will crumble beneath its power. (Thanks be to God for that!!)


"Listen if you didn’t come to Jesus Christ broken over your sin, if you haven’t come to Jesus Christ literally shattered to the very depths of your being over your sinfulness, if you haven’t mourned over your sinfulness, if you don’t hunger and thirst after righteousness more than anything else there is a good probability that you’re not even a Christian." 

-John MacArthur


This hit me hard over the past few months.
I used to live a life of outrageous idolatry and now that I can see that sin, I have been crushed with mourning and fear of God and awareness of my terrible weakness and sinful nature and dishonorable life.
I was baptized a Christian but I was never truly a Christian, I am ashamed to admit. But Christ refused to let me stay that way. He broke me, He shattered me utterly, He starved me of my poisoned ‘food’ of sin and refused to let me be complacent or comfortable no matter how the world justified or approved my offenses. He chastised me severely, but he did not let me die, although many times I suffered so terrifically in my deserved consequence and guilt that in time, I realized I could not do anything but give it up, for to continue in it was inevitably death eternal. And so, wracked to my very bones, I desperately crawled to Him, time and time again, asking what have I done, what do I do now, can I ever be forgiven, can you show me the nature of my sin so I can stop, can you teach me the way I should walk instead, can you make me a Christian?
I fell thousands of times and he hauled me back up thousands of times, sometimes from the bloody dirt, sometimes so violently I thought my arms would dislocate. But it was always done in love, for if He had not delivered me so brutally quickly, I would have been drowned, devoured, destroyed beyond a doubt. He never gave up on me, incredibly so. And so I swear I will not, cannot, give up on Him. At the absolute least, He deserves that fidelity, unquestionably, even from a wretched sinner who stumbles more times than they step.
So this is my life now. I am daily humbling myself and letting Him scrub me clean. It is worth everything. No matter what my blackened, battered heart may fear, blind in its deluded pain. God is worth sacrificing everything else for, for He is the only thing that truly Is.


"There are to be seen among men, every here and there, unmistakable cases of a complete turning round of heart, character, tastes, and life,—cases which deserve no other name than that of conversion. I say when a man turns right round from sin to God,—from worldliness to holiness,—from self-righteousness to self-distrust,—from carelessness about religion to deep repentance,—from unbelief to faith,—from indifference to Christ to strong love to Christ,—from neglect of prayer, the Bible, and the Sabbath, to a diligent use of all means of grace,—I say boldly, that such a man is a converted man. When a man’s heart is turned upside down in the way I have described, so that he loves what he once hated, and hates what he once loved, I say boldly, that it is a case of conversion."  

-J.C. Ryle


I am in the midst of this right now, if I may dare to hope so powerfully, and thanks be to Almighty God for his tender terrible mercy and love in doing so for me! May He continue to have pity on my poor soul and grant me the grace to abandon all sinful desires and habits, and instead cling ever closer to Him! Amen!


"People can’t find God for the same reason that a robber can’t find the police." 
- Douglas Van Dorn

 

 

 

This is a powerful and terrible realization! We must examine our hearts constantly.
A robber will only “find the police” if he humbles himself to confess his wrongdoing, and surrenders himself to the deserved consequences of those crimes against love– remember the Prodigal Son’s words!– because only then, in true humbled honesty and self-denying contrition before Truth, will we receive mercy from the Just Judge, through the intercession of Jesus Christ, whose Spirit is who moves us TO come before Him as such.
A robber will remain a robber until he is moved to see himself as otherwise, to see a different future and sacrifice all for it. This movement is of God. May we pray for the Spirit’s intercession in our hearts to do the same in us, for all of our transgressions!

"Which gives you the most anxiety? Your sins or your misfortunes in life? That’s a good test. The one born of God is overwrought with his sin."  
- John MacArthur

This is because sin offends our beloved Savior so much. It is not a self-pitying anxiety, instead it is a mournful realization that our trespasses are thorns and nails to His most Sacred Heart. And yet, how He loves us! How He forgives us! How He still bears those pains for our sake, to deliver us from the grievous death wrought by those same injuries! So yes, such an anxiety over our sinful nature can give birth to holiness– but only if followed and folded in love for God. Realize that Jesus has died to save us from that same sin, and endeavor through prayer and trust in His grace to fill our hearts with such charity that we never offend Him again!!

 

In the life of St. Anthony, the following is related: during a violent conflict with the devil, the saint was suddenly illumined by an ineffable light in which the demons and their temptation vanished. Realizing that the Lord had come to him, Anthony cried, “Lord, where wast Thou all this time?” And he heard a Voice: “I was here, but I wanted to see your courage.”

I can attest to the truth of this. It gives me such powerful hope.



012919

Jan. 29th, 2019 10:14 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

snow day!

perfect breakfast, reading bible study, like yesterday.
"don't eat the butter" childlike obedience

carrying cross, inspiration from Job
"God giveth and God taketh away"
also "give us this day our daily bread"

hope from the notes on "the finding in the temple"
"didn't you know that I'd be in my Father's house?"

reading parable of the sower, thinking about the thorns analogy
working hard to fully forgive samantha; must see her as God sees her

okay until 1pm, then tofu temptation and fear.
had some, panicking. god told me stop
threw it out on the snow
"if your right hand causes you to sin"
went to room, looking up recipes for grandma, food focus messed with my head

1:30 went back out
got tofu off the lawn. BAD. ate it. got SICK.
ended up bingeing. beans, oats, crackers, mayo, etc. ate the pie even. BAD.

got SO SO SICK.
purged. exhausted and fed up with this. praying to God a lot.

put my food worries in his hands
LITERALLY about ten minutes later mom said she bought eggs for us

asked for God's blessing on aywas

mom and chris laying down the law on me for my sins
I was totally honest and sincere and did not try to excuse my behavior
did not lose temper or get angry or cry
standing firm in God's hope although I was ashamed and my knees were shaking
God is leading me into a better life

listening to larnelle harris and cleaning up aywas wishlist

now bed

012719

Jan. 27th, 2019 08:00 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

I have to type about this.

Every time I'm praying or reading, and I come across words referring to devils or demons or satan, this horrible little voice in my chest sneers and rejoices. "yes!!" it snarls in victory. "I love that!"

WHAT IS THAT VOICE. IT'S TERRIFYING.

God please GET IT OUT OF ME.

Jesus, I am terrified. There is a horrid, wicked creature taking up illegal room in my heart and I am terrified of it.
Please. It's sabotaging my very emotions and thoughts. I LOVE YOU, CHRIST JESUS. I always will and I swear I do.
But, my actions speak otherwise. And that is what that horrible devil keeps pointing out, cackling all the while.
Jesus, yes I am a sinner, and I am ashamed, and scared, and sorrowful over that fact. But you came to save sinners. I beg of you, save me. Wash away my sin, and mercifully grant me the grace to never sin again, please, through you.
Stay with me. Guide me and heal me, for I need you to live. I love you. I do. Please, help me feed your sheep and tend your lambs. Help me prove that I love you through my obedience and loving humble actions, in accordance with your will. Please. Without you I am powerless, helpless, filthy, and awful. But with you I can do good, for You ARE Good.
Help me, Jesus, PLEASE. I need you. Help me love you truly, in every moment, more and more with each heartbeat. That is truly all I want. I love you more than anything, deep down in the core of my soul. Help me live this life as a burning testament to that fact, to You. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

 

012619

Jan. 26th, 2019 10:26 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)

today!

saturday january 26th 2019. 

eating disorders, and all eating-related sins, are EXCEPTIONALLY SINFUL because they are inherently a crime against THE MOST HOLY EUCHARIST.
our bodies are the temples of the Holy Spirit, but God enters us on the physical level THROUGH OUR MOUTH. the Body of Christ touches our TONGUE first, then goes through our DIGESTIVE SYSTEM. that is so shockingly normal it's flabbergasting. but it's TRUE. and so that means that OUR MOUTHS AND STOMACHS ARE TABERNACLES!!!! and when we desecrate them WE SIN AGAINST GOD IN A VERY DIRECT AND UNIQUELY HORRIBLE WAY.
SO REMEMBER THIS!!!!!!!!!


also, the Bible is INDEED the INSPIRED Word of God because humanity is fallen and we CANNOT write Truth on our own!! I realized this during Father's homily today. he mentioned how God speaks to us in every Mass, through the readings, and asked if we were letting that truly penetrate into our hearts through our open, hearing, listening ears? and it hit me that, these Words we heard, they were not "invented" or spun together by mere men. the authors were all working as channels for the Holy Spirit!


managing my lair on Aywas right now. wanting to focus on the deep affection I feel for so many species, AND cultivating love for the ones I don't feel that for yet. that saddens me. I don't want to be judgmental, don't want to be biased. I think Saint Paul said something about that in his letters. so yes. this is a good exercise for softening and warming and expanding my heart, truly.


listening to larnelle harris. gosh I really enjoy his style, and how absolutely Christ-centered his songs are!

dessert

Jan. 22nd, 2019 09:26 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

Why in the WORLD do I keep getting these STUPID EMPTY TEMPTATIONS for goodies??????? Especially donuts and cheesecake. I DON'T EVEN LIKE THEM.
WHY.WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.

I really, really need to feel this out, before it destroys me, medically and financially AND spiritually.

Let's start with the cheesecake. When did that start? I can't remember the first time I ever ate it, let alone why. But within the past year, I decided to "try some for the first time" in memory, "because people LIKE cheesecake."
It's all ultimately that stupid, stupid thought process of "other people like it, therefore I should too." THAT'S HOW THE DEVIL GETS YOU, YOU DUMMY!!!! This is the devil's world and if you're going by majority vote that's probably going to be a devilish choice!!!! Remember, GOD HAS CONQUERED THE WORLD and His Kingdom is in direct opposition TO the kingdom of this world. SO STOP TRYING TO ADHERE TO IT.

But nevertheless, there's that mental "craving" for cheesecake, except it's not a craving because ultimately I am totally indifferent to cheesecake.
I bought some at Wal-Mart today, to eat. New York style, strawberry, and turtle. And even in typing that I am filled with boiling self-loathing destructive FURIOUS RAGE and I want to DESTROY SOMETHING, ideally whatever asinine stupidity in my head wants to talk about and eat cheesecake.
It's a salvific fury. It wants to annihilate those sinful stupid impulses. Good. Let it. Please.
…Except the anger of men does not serve the purposes of God. Is this the anger of men? Or is this the anger of God, towards sinful dispositions? I need to discern this.
I feel it is a righteous anger. It is a fury towards that which separates me from God. BUT it is impure. Part of that anger is an urge to annihilate me. THAT part is the "anger of men," the part that would not hesitate to strangle and throttle me in pure hatred of my idiocy, equating me with my moral failure, the reality of which is so disgusting that this angry side of me cannot cope with its existence and so seeks to end it ASAP.

It's empty, the food. It's always empty. It is NEVER worth it.
The cheesecake, the donuts, the cannoli, the cookies, the bars, ALL of it.. it's garbage. It's embarrassing, it's humiliating, it's nauseating, it's disgusting, it's foolish, it's stupid, it's empty, empty empty EMPTY.
The Word of God is far sweeter, ALWAYS, and every time I buy that bakery garbage I end up in deep regret, as the experience takes a few minutes and then leaves a hole, not even a comprehensive memory. I can never remember, let alone understand, what it all tastes like, let alone why I should even care. And frankly I shouldn’t. If I were to die tomorrow, who gives a crap whether or not I know what Dunkin Donuts Boston Crème tastes like? Written down, its idiocy is apparent, blindingly so.
Instead, I would love to sit and read my Bible. I would love to do Scripture study, or read some devotions, or listen to some sermons… THAT lasts, THAT registers, THAT is full and sweet and beautiful and good and memorable. Dessert junk never is. And I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself of this evident and unchangeable truth.

If I were to die tomorrow, would I even care about dessert? If I were living in a war zone, would I be so preoccupied with whether or not I could get a donut tomorrow? No. No. It's stupid, this strange and hellish sudden obsession. But it will pass. It will pass away and die, for it is false, and sinful, and stupid, and selfish, and I am BEGGING GOD to continue to help me annihilate it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Literally rip it out of me if you have to. Please.
I know he does so through external circumstances and sometimes that can be literal purgatory. It's still fire, but it's purifying, and it hurts and it's terrifying but thank God for it. Because it will BURN AWAY ALL THAT KEEPS ME FROM GOD.
I just wish God could literally annihilate the desire point blank, cold turkey. And I KNOW that he CAN. I just have to have FAITH in it!!

But yeah. This hellish dessert vice is robbing me of my health, peace, family, finances, and life in general. It is STUPID but for some reason it is also one HECK of a pair of shackles. I think it's just the devil. Because I know that I don't want this stuff! Truly, deep down, if I feel the motivation, IT'S NOT MINE.
THAT is something I MUST remember, too. Wal-Mart is hell for my brain. So far, I ALWAYS end up dissociating in there and doing idiotic things. So, I should NEVER GO IN THERE ALONE OR UNSUPERVISED!!! That's the Godly choice.
And already I feel the devil sraeming. "NO!!! I want to get cheesecake!! I can't buy it if they're watching me!!" And why not? Because IT'S WRONG.
AND I DON'T WANT ANY CHEESECAKE. I had some today and yeah it's good but it's EMPTY "PLEASURE." IT'S GARBAGE AND I CAN EASILY AND HAPPILY LIVE WITHOUT IT. It does NOTHING for me and I DO NOT WANT TO WASTE MY MONEY ON THAT GARBAGE THAT GIVES YOU TEN SECONDS OF "ENJOYMENT" AND THEN ENDS UP VOMITED BACK UP INTO THE TOILET. LEAVE ME ALONE.

It's a daily war. I can feel it even now. But I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. EXCEPT I CANNOT DO IT ALONE. The only reason I've been losing is because I keep forgetting to PRAY and TURN TO GOD in those circumstances of war and temptation and literal demonic attacks. I need to implore Mary's help, and Jesus's help, and my guardian angel's help, and the beloved Holy Spirit's help. I MUST turn to them because guess what? I'm human, I'm sinful, I'm powerless! I WILL lose to the devil if I try to do this alone because I'M WEAK and ONLY GOD CAN WIN. But GOD WILL WIN. And so I must throw myself at His holy feet and beg for deliverance from this awful parasitic screaming sugar-poisoned addiction and HE WILL DELIVER ME. I must simply trust and persevere with utmost love and faith. That is key.
But He WILL free me. I know He will, for His glory. I must simply turn to Him, and ask, and believe, and obey. I swear I will do all that I can, by His Grace. Holy Spirit, fill me with that Grace, and Your Love, so that I can live EVERY moment for Your Glory and gratitude and adoration.

I am really tired so I'm going to close this up for tonight and resume the Good Fight tomorrow. Thank you, God, for this new chance, every morning. Please guide me. Please do not lose patience with me, or crush me in your anger at my sin. I am terribly sorry, genuinely sorry, and I beg for your mercy and forgiveness. I have sinned abominably in my selfish ignorance and disobedience and apathy and addictive behavior and I admit this freely. I am ashamed, and disgusted, and heartbroken at my sins, and I beg of you, prevent me from falling into sin tomorrow. I feel the war screaming in my heart already and I am terrified. But I must turn to you and weeping, beg for your deliverance, for Your glory. I swear, I love you, and all I want is to please you. Please, God, help me. I love you. Even if my dumb actions seem to say otherwise. That's why I want to stop being so stupid. I want my life to be a living testimony to You and Your Goodness. I want to abandon myself, my will, and my actions and thoughts to You alone. Please, purify my heart, so that I will be filled with devotion to You and the
peace that comes with such childlike loving obedience. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen!!



prismaticbleed: (Default)
I was a celebi; flying, singing outside house at night? White ceiling sky. Felt existentially awful, but I was resolute in hope.

Then a college? Art projects. I was famous there for past work-- Anubis masks?? INFI FRONTING, was TOTALLY WRONG and Knew it. DIRTY DARK PINK.

"Malaria cure in a can"
prismaticbleed: (angel)

 

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

— Philippians 2:3-4

The “not only but also” is so important. We must be compassionate with ourselves as well as others– but we must never put ourselves selfishly before others! Everything we do should be done with loving humility and service, for we are all members of Christ’s body, and what affects one part affects all the others.

The Holy Spirit will Always help us discern whether or not our actions are selfish, if we only ask and listen with a sincere and open heart. God wants us all to live rightly and will never refuse help to those who turn to Him!

 

“You gotta change how you define yourself. You’re not a sad person. You are not an anxious person. You’re a fighter working on becoming an overcomer. You struggle but you are not defined by your struggle.”

hurtmedxddy, My journalism teacher, aka, one of the greatest human beings I know

I needed to hear this so much today.

Thank you OP, and thank you God for this merciful truth!


“Offer your temptations for the conversion of sinners.”

— St. John Vianney

It is vital to remember that we CAN do this– and then wholeheartedly, courageously, lovingly, joyfully do so!


"Have you ever wondered why sometimes you invite someone to come to church and that person does not come? Perhaps it's because they don't see Jesus in you. They don't want your church because they do not want your life. You say you're a Christian but you do not live it. We are the Bible the world reads and they see our attitudes, not just our words. So if people don't see Jesus in you, begin to preach the Word to yourself before telling others that you are a Christian."

-Alexandra Abrantes

Deeply ashamed and humbled thinking about this truth lately. God help me to LIVE my faith for YOUR sake.



Profile

prismaticbleed: (Default)
prismaticbleed

June 2025

S M T W T F S
1234567
89101112 1314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930     

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 11th, 2025 05:37 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios