Geez. Today was all over the place.
Quick update because it's getting late and I need rest but I do not want to slack off because that is 1/2 of denial.
(therapy on tuesday needs its own entry because it gutted me but it was incredibly important that it happened)


Surgery was today, so I got up at 5 and drove down to the hospital with my grandmother like last time. I got the same room, too, so I got to watch the sunrise, all pinks and indigos and blues. A lot of people switched out during that time (first time in many many weeks) which meant so much to have happen. were all around for some time. Lynne and Julie also "talked" to my grandmother for a bit (as of course she doesn't know about them).
I was trying to personally talk to Jessica & Chocoloco for a bit, as Jess was always tied to the "forced breaking out" feeling of the hernia, the idea of something being buried and yet being furiously desperate to be heard, so it makes itself known however possible. Like a kid locked in a closet, kicking down the door and screaming. Same thing.
(body map, beetles. lava flow? had to be kept moving, allowed to move out, instead of being forced into lower pockets. also reference to water? unsure on ultimate role, but vital. tied to chthonics obviously.)
(laurie's color is still slipping. julie said she was "graying out." we had to call sugar in to stand guard, laurie is disturbingly the biggest target upstairs right now because she is the "cornerstone of central" and also the main advisor to the cores.)
(ALSO I almost forgot, at some point I remember the Jabberwock found me but then Leanne/Luanne showed up?? That new Cerise woman on the Downstairs level. Apparently she can boss around the Jab, that's insane. However her form is still incredibly unstable; she's technically "faceless" as a result. But she's legit. Just wanted to mention that.)


(chaos 0 kept me company the whole time, in the prep room and afterwards. which was really lovely. the first time around we never had the luxury of becoming "friends" like genesis and i did so this meant so much to me, felt absolutely right for once. also when i was getting redressed at the end of everything, i remembered how we had been so candid and simple back in slc, and how much i missed that. i had forgotten about it, that was what i really wanted in my life again. just being able to live life and not be ashamed, to have someone around that loved me without demanding or constantly gauging my reactions. just being able to be like that. best bit though was that at some point i blurted out "i love you" because i just felt it; notable because that hasn't happened in months. also i "saw" him in the room ghosting for a moment, like i used to long ago. so that stands out too)
(is that stupid? why do i still feel horrifically guilty for being able to feel love again AND not having it shoehorned into the wrong context?? probably just residue, i really do need something this purely positive in my life right now, as selfish as that sounds)
(also. also also. i woke up this morning and he was humming "strangers in paradise," a song i haven't heard in years. moved by affection but still confused, i didn't get to look up the lyrics until this evening and geez dude, relevant as always.)

(it was SO NICE to be able to lie around for 5+ hours, before and after surgery. i've been running myself ragged lately (as you all know), somewhat on purpose, so being able to lie in a QUIET room, with SUNLIGHT, in a SAFE atmosphere, was profoundly relaxing. even better i did not hurt anywhere nearly as much as i did the last two times, so it was lovely, i kept dozing off which was very welcome too.)

(i got home around 4 and things were cool for a while, i drank even more water and lemon juice (i swear i got down at least 12 glasses today). unfortunately, around 7 i needed to eat (fasted for a solid day thanks to surgery) and because i was an asshole and ate something with sugar in it, i had another stupid floating-voice meltdown. they basically told me i had committed an "unforgivable sin" by "knowing sugar was evil and eating it anyway," that i was a faggot whore (and that "only faggots cry"), etc etc etc. it was hell. this went on for about an hour straight, maybe two, i lost track of time really badly. ended up with me sobbing so hard i was choking, made worse when my grandmother came in; she always tells me to stop eating, but I don't actually eat, i have an anxious stimming habit of just cutting up food and re-organizing it over and over, so when she says "you're still eating??" i know she means well but it translates as "you fat whore, stop stuffing your faggot mouth" and "you're not allowed to enjoy eating, you're not allowed to eat at all, you hedonist"). ugly ugly thoughts. anyway i surprisingly ended up hysterical, thought she hated me, begging her not to, "don't be like my mom" (whatever that meant). but i was convinced that if SHE, this holy woman, hated me, then i'd really be damned. i frantically tried to justify my emotions to my grandmother and ended up practically hyperventilating from flashbacks about my mother. realized i do not hate her, i can't even reconcile the "mother" i know her as in public with the person she is when she acts "abusive." either way yeah i got horrifically sick, vomiting and everything, on top of the surgery pain that was not good at all bro. aaanyway i am sorry that idiocy keeps happening, it is so hard to forgive myself for doing stupid things like that)

(i am trying to chill out and calm down but all this weird inexplicable old emotional stuff is coming up? i still have that lingering fear that if i have to end a relationship in any way, i am the evil one, and i am an abuser. so then i read into the other party's actions forever as telling me how evil/ abusive i am. and so i then start to wish i was friends with them again, just as proof that i can be forgiven, that i can atone for that sin. why the heck are all my problems so chokingly moral)

(i am DOING WELL, don't worry, this is just a rough spot, i really am happy. i have books to read and i need to learn how to relax for the next three weeks, stop abusing myself. but i'm doing well i promise.)

(will fix this more later. right now i am just so sick and sad, i hate feeling like this, but burying these emotions out of shame and self-loathing isnt good either.)

 

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JAY IRIDOS




All right, let's talk. Bits and pieces is all.

Sounds good to me, kid. You gonna get distracted by deep-sea fish or what?

Maybe. Yes. It helps. Oddly, it helps.

It's not "oddly." It's been like this for as long as I can bloody remember.

At least I'm not scared. Or ashamed. I've somehow found the uncorruptible peace beneath all this pain. Thank Simeon, somehow he tapped into it.

You think that's his job?

Maybe. He hasn't been out in weeks, and usually when he is, it's in the wake of a hack, or a conversation with the mother…

Sheesh, that makes sense. Man. He's really important then.

Yeah. Strange how he's still faceless up here though.

Probably so he can do his downstairs job better. Anyway, where were we. Deep sea fish. You love them.

That I do.

That's relevant. But...

What?

What I said before, kid. I… I get so confused when pain is involved.

I forgive you.

Kid, I know you do, I just don't know if I can forgive myself.

Why?

Infi was furious with me when ze found out, okay? But then ze admitted that ze was "just as lost as I was," and I didn't know what the heck to do. If Infi is lost, then how the blood am I supposed to figure out what I'm doing?

We have to support each other, I guess. Not shoot each other down. But with that "lost"-ness…

What? Kid, you were flat-out M.I.A., I don't know if you're one to talk here. No offense.

None taken, that's a good point. I'm not allowed around when this stuff happens.

That's the bloody problem. You're not around, whoever is is talking to me in a way that I can't understand, Infi is caught up in the dregs just as bad as everyone else, I don't know. You got ideas, kid?

Yeah, just… questioning to the nth degree.

Heh, no kidding.

No, I'm serious. I know you are too but really. Question everything. Even if it seems "rude" or "inappropriate." Question it ALL. I need to ask Chaos to keep doing that. Genesis does now--

He does?

Yeah. Too many close calls, and he doesn't recover well from shock. When I slip out he freaks, and demands I "get back in there," no matter what we're doing or what's going on. He did that the whole time I was driving today-- I kept slipping out, Jayce and the manic girl kept fronting, and--

Who the heck is that manic girl? Sorry, please continue.

"Please continue?"

Buzz off, Jay, I'm distraught and I'm trying to be polite.

No, it's okay. Sorry.

Nah, I'm sorry, kid, I shouldn’t be yelling at you. You're probably terrified beneath the surface by this point.

Not really? Just numb. It's numb now. I think Fragment was responsible for this one.

That devil is still around?

From what's been happening lately, Laurie, it looks like no one really ever dies.

Geez.

Yeah. But it happened. Thank God their detachment style is so severe that it's just aftereffects and pain that I'm suffering from. Vaguely. It's pushed to the back of the closet.

See, this is what I mean. You push it all the way to the back of the storage shed where it gathers cobwebs with all the other traumatic things. All the other times someone used this body without your permission and left you to pick up the pieces and pay the check. Sooner or later one heck of a massive spider is gonna come out of there and we're going to have trouble.

Why "spiders," always spiders. That yellow one that came out of Infi last September.

Shoot, I forgot about that.

Not me. Jessica's daemon reminded me of it.

Jessica's daemon? Whoa, wait a second, what the heck is this?

You didn't hear? Jess has a "soul split" like me and Infi. Big rabbit-demon-golem thing, brown with red eyes, doesn't like me much. Orders me around a lot lately, but I'm grateful for the strictness, I'm afraid of him really so it keeps me on track. Funny how fear ultimately ended up being such a hugely benevolent thing up here.

No, stop right there. Fear is junk.

It is not.

...Fine, point taken. Maybe not to save yourself, it isn't. But motivating the good in you, it is. You shouldn't have to be bloody terrified in order to behave rightly.

I think it's the way I was raised? Either you "fear God" and be a saint, or you don't and therefore become a blasphemous heathen.

Ah. It's that black and white nonsense again, then.

Yeah. It's hard to see an alternative to "holy fear" when I legitimately believe and feel that on my best days.

…Even for me?

I used to. That's the problem.

...Yeah, yeah it is.

…Is that weird, that I want to be afraid of you again, but I love you too much?

…

I think that's why there's this problem. Pain was always synonymous with… euphoria? Forgiveness? Pain was a good thing for us. Not violence. We'd flinch and hide and cower and cry whenever a hand was raised, or a belt was waved, we knew the moment of impact and the rage behind it would be terrifying. I think that's what Dread and David hold. But the others… there have to be others, that's compartmentalized soemwhere, otherwise this wouldn't be happening-- once that instant was done, the pain stayed. It ached, it burned, it set our nerves on fire for minutes or hours afterwards. And it was addictive. There was something to that pain, something alive, something gorgeously real and frankly…

Tied to that.

Not that, specifically. But what other people said we'd get from that. And we never did, except for when it hurt terribly… and that's what made it confusing.

Damn it. God damn it.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry, I'm the one swearing, and this isn't your bloody fault. Is this where that thing came from that I heard of the other day? How you can't be as afraid of Julie as you were not just because the memory is missing, but because she'd make it hurt? Is that why?

Maybe? It's all just so convoluted. Humiliation and shame, something inherently tied to sex for us because it always coincided with… actually can I talk about that a bit?

Sure. Lay it on me, be as honest as possible.

Be as brutal as possible, please.

How? What the heck am I gonna do, tear it out of you? You be honest and I won't have to do anything of the sort.

I know, I guess I just mean don't let me lie or sugarcoat things.

Sure thing, kid. Now talk. Wherever you were going to start.

Okay. …And would you believe, already my mind is trying to distract itself.

Tell it to shove off. Center and let's talk. We've breached the topic you can never bring up to the therapist, so don't quit now. What was… what was the humiliation you talked about?

It was tied to the mother, and the grandmother. We brought this up in therapy yesterday, actually-- and when I talked to you in the morning.

How you feel 'your' body is public property?

Yeah.

That’s a lie, kid.

I find that hard to believe.

Why.

Because growing up we had no privacy. Privacy was a luxury, selfish and proud. 'Privacy' was pretending that you had a claim on something-- the idea that your 'personal' thoughts and feelings and such were yours alone.

And they weren't?

No. I was always terrified of being found out, you know that. It's why I burnt and destroyed my own creative work, because it was 'too emotional' and I would be utterly humiliated if my family found them.

Explain that. Were they looking for them?

I don't know. Sometimes I guess they did. I honestly don't remember, the entire childhood is a blur.

Hm. Go on, what do you remember then, to go on for this?

Uh… one memory came up yesterday, when I was talking to Genesis, I think. You or Genesis. It was a… I smelled something, some odd sterile scent that reminded me of the YMCA? Like we used to take swim lessons as a kid, I forgot about that. I can't remember the lessons, but now that I've 'seen' the locker room memory again, I at least have that visual map to walk through. No actual memory, per se, other than the fact that we always used to use an orange locker. It was special.

Heh. Now when you say 'visual map'-- you mean like Google Maps, just walking through that stuff no matter how old the photo is?

Yeah. Exactly, yeah! It's just pieced-together snapshots, a static collaboration of old memories. It's frozen in time and I can walk through it to study details, and maybe trigger further knowledge when I 'dig' in the subconscious memory for more data… but some places are big blurs, or black voids, where there is no data. I can't go there.

Huh. Do you get that for other things too, kid?

Yeah, most things actually. I think it's why all my dreams of schools are skewed. The fronters switched so many times over the years, some of them even died-- on that note correct what I said earlier, some people do dissolve and I found that out today--

Make a note of that, I want you to tell me about that later. Now go on, vision maps. Why are the schools skewed.

Because we don't know who fronted then, so we have none of their memories to search through. There's just "collective data"-- every time an existential moment happened, or awareness switched specifically to headspace, like in the bathroom by the cafeteria where I was looking in the mirror and talking to Lynne I think… before we "reintegrated" her at the time. That bathroom is a total void save for the general layout of it, as bathrooms are blackout rooms the way it is. But yeah, if no data is saved, I can't 'see' anything. But for other things, I can mentally revisit memories that weren't mine if there's enough residual info. Sorry, this is rambling somewhat.

No, it's fine, kid. So the YMCA, what did you remember about that that tipped this whole thing off?

Oh. There were changing stalls, by the door? They had Jackson Pollock-like paintings on the side, I remember that because the mother always brought it up.

Splatter paint?

Yeah. Like ketchup, I would always think. But the stalls only had fabric curtains, and there were always strangers there. Sometimes people would peek under the curtains to see if someone was in there, mostly little kids would, but still.

Geez.

Yeah, so I would never feel secure. And I would always wonder why. "Why do I feel uncomfortable with that?" Why the hell should I demand 'privacy' when my body basically was at my parent's mercy anyway?

Kid, that is messed up, you know that right?

I'm learning.

…

But yeah, never quite felt safe. But. I think there was one time, or a few, something, where the mother actually looked to see if we were dressed and we weren't. Something like that. Being forced to get undressed in cars, during the summer, in full view of whoever may have looked in. Getting dressed in the bedroom and the grandmother refusing to leave because "I'm not looking!" acting like we were ridiculous for being afraid of it. No privacy. Being told privacy was silly, not understanding why I felt people shouldn't look at me. Do you get what I'm saying?

They made you feel like your body was an exhibition, basically.

More like, if someone wants to look, let them look. "You have nothing to hide!" At least, until I was a young adult. Then you're not allowed to wear shorts even, because now you're corrupting somebody with your licentiousness.

Sheesh, that is screwed up. But I remember that though, from 2012.

That's a strong memory, yeah. We wore a crop top for two days, and got so much moral flak that we were terrified to wear short sleeves for the rest of the summer. And then we burned that top .The shame still hasn't faded, really.

…So. Is that why sexuality is "inherently shameful" here, because nudity or nakedness for you was never… consensual? What's the word. Like you never wanted it but were always forced into it, or…

It was more like, I never had the luxury of privacy when I was naked as a kid. There was virtually always the risk of someone walking in, and refusing to leave, or invading that space, or whatever. The only "safe space" was the double-locked bathroom, and you all know what happened there.

Yeah. Wish it didn't. So that happened today.

Effectively. I think. It's… I don't want to look at it. Should I?

No. Where were we, go back and look.

…Oh. Pain.

…Go on.

Pain, and Julie. It was humiliating and terrifying to be stripped naked by her and forced to endure whatever she did, but… dissociation kicked in then. The brain couldn't handle it, it tapped out and we were now no longer in the body. And the aftereffects from that, from what she did, hurt like hell but in a DIFFERENT way. You wouldn't know, but just ask Simeon or Ashen or Infinitii maybe. It hurts, sickeningly, when that happens.

…

Sorry. It just does and it is hell on earth. Even when I try to think positively of it, even when I tried to use it "benevolently" or for holy purposes or whatever. I regretted it every time I can remember, because it hurt so much and I felt filthy and violated and wrong. I don't want to think about that.

Then don't. I just… what the heck were they talking about. Fragment. Whoever it was.

With the pain?

Yeah. Asking me of all bloody people, what the heck. Why were the asking?

Because you are synonymous with pain, here. The positive sort. Sharp, brutal, bleeding pain, the kind that clears and cauterizes. Relief. Maybe… maybe that's why we have problems with this. It's the only source of pain we have left, however sick and disgusting that is. Someone always decides "it's worth the risk, if we can make it hurt badly enough," but it never works. It's the wrong sort of pain. So maybe they were just as confused as you were.

…Maybe. It's just corrupting me, is all. Making me slip. Corrupting my function. Infi said so, you heard 'em.

I know. I know it too.

…Kid, am I gonna die from this?

No, no I swear I won't let that happen.

Not before you die first, huh.

…I…

Sorry. That was uncalled for.

No, it wasn't. …I'm scared too. I can't front when that happens. Ever. I mean sure, I was out today, fronting with my cupcake eyes or whatever you call them--

Heh. Sparkles and sprinkles all over, huh.

Yeah, basically. But… it's so hard to stay in the body. I'm an upstairs guy. Even now I'm unstable because of the channel link. But I'm trying.

…Kid are you sure you're okay? How's the body, is it okay?

It is now, yeah. It's been an hour or so. We're good. Just nauseous is all, and… nausea, headaches, and that gut-deep wanting to cry. The scraped-out depression.

…Every time?

Mostly. I don't remember, Laurie. There was one time Chaos was hacked, I still can't look at that because it is a horrible feeling to remember-- and Genesis went through as much hell as we did, the past fronters. Anyway I know with Infinitii ze used to use this to heal the body, to try and repair the psyche, circumventing the trauma and trying to re-assign triggers, you know, programming positive into negative aspects. It didn't work, not past a certain point. The trauma wouldn't leave. Then the plague kicked in. Ze tried so hard, ze genuinely loved everyone ze was with and everything ze did was colored with it-- but there are some things you can paint over a million times but it won't change how they are perceived. If that makes sense.

Yeah, the metaphor does, but can you give me an example? If it won't hurt you, I mean.

Uh… well just the whole sex thing in general. Once it becomes physical, it's terrifying. I don't know who managed to get us trapped in that before. Some malicious fronters would, it's happened. And that's where the trauma has roots that bleed over into so many other things. It's why it's hard for me to be close to people physically, or to be in certain locations, or the like. Sometimes raw memory just comes up and I want to vomit or cry or scream or attack and it's never my reaction, it's never my emotion, but it's there.

…

Sorry. I forget what we were talking about.

Nah, it's okay. I just wanted to bring up the pain thing, because that had me distraught. As you'd say.

I understand. I really do.

Yeah, you would. …Kid, is there anything I can do to alleviate that? Like can I do anything to change the association, so I don't get dragged into this hell anymore, and neither do you?

…Maybe? Let me think… only atonement, really. Pain got rerouted, somewhere. Atonement stopped for a long time, due to outside threats, and it just… imploded.

…I can see that.

Yeah. But until we fix the pain roots, the sharp sort will always be benevolent, and we will always seek it when we feel sick and filthy because nothing else clears that from the psyche. That's the problem here.

…Come upstairs, I'll beat the the hell out of you, that'll handle this.

What, really?

Yeah. I'll try. I'll beat Jayce up, how's that? He's a freakin' prick sometimes, I'd have no problem slicing him up if I had to. Not you. I've tried, I can't. It doesn't sync. That's the problem.

…Why does this keep happening?

What?

The… the hacks. No one wants them. No one. Julie doesn't, Eros doesn't, Infi doesn’t.

Eros doesn't?

I've talked with him, so have others. I think his role is changing.

Thank God.

Remember it only became obscenely sexual due to corruption during that time. Religious misunderstanding, really. Which is why Chaos caught the brunt of the consequences.

…June 2011, huh.

Yeah. That's when Eros started to get really lost. Then 2012 hit, with the Celebi incidents, which I have no data on mind you--

Good, don't look for it. But yeah, I think that's when he really started legit dying.

He was gone by SLC, that's for sure. I don't know who was around then.

No one does, yet. You got a visual map for that or what?

Barely. There's data for the balcony view, and the steps from that one day Dad called when he was in Puerto Rico… just that one day, just that one spot. The balcony view is from the smoke pancakes evening, so the doors are wide open and smoke is pouring out. Don't tell anyone.

Heheh, I won't.

And we were laughing. So there's some data of the 'living room,' of the table where Chaos and I were talking and reading about the rain that day I got sick… there's some data of the couch from the other day we got sick and called the grandmother out of fear. That was weird, that's skewed due to being looked at too many times.

That can happen?

Yeah, if you look at a memory strongly enough, it can pick up residue from the present. Like a song, or a scent, or a feeling, that was a powerful presence when we were looking back just as strongly.

So memories can be redefined like that.

Somewhat, yeah.

Huh. That's interesting.

It is. Important, too.

No kidding, write that down somewhere. Garrison?

Yes?

Write that point down, about the memory reprogramming or whatever.

Re-associating?

Yeah, thanks Izzy. Now let me talk, keep the data coming when we need it, thanks.

I love how they're always there.

Hey, it's their job. Now back to the data maps. What else on the apartment, anything besides the porch and front room?

A little? The front room is vaguely complete, as all the times the missionaries visited we had that gut feeling of "this isn't right for us, we shouldn't be in this situation" and there were robotic social fronters out.

Really?

That's what it's stored as. It's 3rd-person memory. So we have a vague idea of what the door looks like, and that there was a couch, and a shelf to the left, and a TV behind. That's it. Oh and a pillow on the floor I think.

Snapshots?

Exactly. But… Mel's room, I know they had a desk, and I know there was a bed to the left and a dresser to each side… I don't know what those looked like at all. I know there was art all over the walls, but I don't know how that looked. And there was a closet to the left, that's empty of data too. If I "walk in" there, and try to look at things, there's just subconscious "shadow memory" which allows me to navigate physically. Like for the most part I won't walk through a wall, or into one, because I "know" where they were, roughly.

For the most part?

Yeah. Like if I tried to walk by Mel's desk I'd get stuck, like clipping in a video game. We know it was there, but not where it began or ended in space.

Ah, I see.

Yeah.

How about your room?

Vaguely. There's the view from where I used to stand and do exercise, that angle sight of the computer desk. We were listening to Serph at the time, and it was nighttime. Then there's a view of what it looked like from the top bunk that one beloved morning I woke up with "Reach Lines" playing on my iPod, and I felt perfectly, deeply happy. I will never forget that feeling, ever... it was so bright and serene, like summer in cinematic California or something.

Heheh. Sunny days and palm trees, huh?

And wide sparkling cyan water, yes. No idea what the rest of the day was like, either, after those moments. And then the only other visual memory is…

The lights?

In the corner?

Yeah.

No.

No?

No, the only memory I have of them is from the time Chaos was channeled was the moment I saw his eyes, and then… and then the moment when we finally kissed, when it hit me that this is really happening and the moment is stored as a bloom of deep fiery joy in the heart. It's… that's it. No room memory at all, just the color of the light, all dimly violet and blue and red.

…

That’s it, really.

Huh. …I'm glad you remember that.

So am I. I remember a ton of snapshots from outside the house, but nothing I can piece together and walk through. I can get a vague visual awareness, like I'm sure I could find my way around well enough if I went back there, but I can't tell you what it would look like ahead of time.

I see. Now can we please change the topic because you forgot to mention we had a 20 minute break back there.

Yeah, right when you asked me about the room. You said, "I'm not saying anything until you get back in there," and then stuff happened.

Please, talk about the stuff, that's too bloody important to leave out.

Okay. First I talked to Simeon.

What.

Yeah, actually that's super important too, I needed to tell you. The body started to get context memory again, and the next thing I know we were both asking each other if we were okay? But I SAW him. He's in raw whitespace, where Javier was re-forming last summer.

Whitespace? But he has a form?

Yeah. Oh!! It's the-- the place where the ground fell through, in Central City.

Really?

The city tiers. It's where Jeremiah was forced into existence, too. That floating area. Down in the ground.

Wonder if that's part of why they're connected.

Could be, I think it applies to the kids too. And Simeon, which is why I'm not surprised.

Shoot, yeah, all the kids stay with Jerry too. Does Simeon?

No, he doesn't quite leave the "whitespace" part of it. There's all raw stuff floating in the lower spaces, really, filling up the "ground" where there's nothing but solid space. Anyway we were in whitespace, talking. I asked him if he was Sylvain and reincarnated, he said no, that was his brother but he was "from another time" so there's no memory of him.

Makes sense. Kind of like you.

11/11 at the bottom of the page again, just wanted to point that out.

Heck yes, it's been a while.

Page 11! Geez! Oh that reminds me. Simeon looked at me at one point and said, "you're not Jay."

What?

No listen, I wasn't. I "slipped out" and that overly exuberant social "cover" was out, kind of like a mask or splinter program? Like Simile is for Melodia, I think.

Makes sense. But he saw it?

Yeah. So then I pulled myself in as strongly as I could, just surrendered to my own resonance however it manifested-- he helped, he could also tell when I felt 'off'--

That is so freaking weird though, how he could see it.

Probably because we were in raw whitespace, effectively. It'd be more visible there.

Ah. But yeah, what'd you do, kid?

I apparently am not humanoid, like I suspected. I'm halfway between crystalline and luminous, halfway between a glass-edge fragile explosion and a flowy miasma of light. I don't know about eyes, or limbs, but I do NOT have a mouth and when I "talk" it is purely telepathic and comes from somewhere behind me, like a foot behind my chest and my head both. It's weird. But THAT feels "right," totally so, at least as far as presentation goes.

Holy swords. So how about now, are you here?

Not entirely, because in order to be in that form, I cannot talk for extended periods. It's a very "being" state, not "doing," hence the exuberant overlay or whatever.

Ah. That makes sense. You were talking about that split the other day, I think. You always are.

Because it's a concern, "how do I be both," well now I know I already am, I just have to practice shifting and balancing and things. We'll see. But it's awesome.

No kidding, you'll have to let me see you like that tonight or whenever.

After we're done typing!

Yeah, get to the chocolate already.

Wait, I spoke more to Simeon. At one point he said "I took the pain away" and I asked him, if he really was someone who could heal us from hacks? And I think he is? Like he specifically implied that his function was to "smooth over" or "comfort" in the wake of those things… more of a feeling, like blanketing someone who is cold, or smoothing down rough edges, that sort of vibe.

I'm still laughing at "specifically implied."

I don't know how else to say it, haha! Feelings are clearer than words. But yes, we seem to be right, Simeon exists as a "pain manager."

You know who else is a "pain manager," effectively? Eros. Get to it.

Ah. Yeah, so after that we somehow ended up in the kitchen with Eros stuffing his face full of chocolate cheesecake-- oh!!

What, you remember something?

Yes. However we ended up in there, the moment we saw it, Jessica's daemon jumped up to the very front of the vision, as the resonance of it was very close to him.

What? How?

Chocolate, that rich sort, but also the cherries. It was cherry cordial cheesecake, and for some reason that clear drippy red along with the thick, dry chocolate cake was perfect for his vibe.

The "cheesecake" part was Eros, holy smokes.

We'll get to that, in a minute.

Yeah it was just hilarious. Keep talking though, I'm interested.

So the first thing this daemon does is look at me fit to burn a house down, and demand that I am not to eat it. I said I wouldn't, but then there was like 20 seconds of marked blurry hesitation, and then Eros was out, trying to do just that, outside of that daemon's view.

Wait, so he can only see you?

I think so. Jessica is the "body core," or at least, the consciousness tied to the body persona that the people we live with give it. So I'm tied to her as one of the main people, if that makes sense.

It does. So he can only see you because you're on his level, really.

Yeah. I mean I would assume so. It's just weird because we're in his floating space when we talk, which means he's letting me in temporarily to talk to me, and I can get in there to talk to him but he's not very happy when I abuse that right. Like he gets mad. It's a very "brown" anger, though. Compact and solid and heavy, but with that red burn of his eyes. Very different than plain red anger. The red is just a buzz edge.

Kid you say the weirdest flipping things but I think I get what you mean. Stern anger with an edge that could explode any second?

Not so much "explode" as "burn." It's red, not yellow.

Ah. Got it.

So that was that. Then Eros decided "oh my gosh cheesecake" and went to town.

What he said was seriously interesting, though.

Yeah, mind data says he only ate it because it was warm.

Really?

Yeah. Otherwise he wouldn't have touched it. But the warmth, on top of the rich sweetness-- NOT dense, that would have been a totally different vibe too-- was too perfect, and he latched right onto it.

He said it was, and pardon my language, "what sensuality tasted like." Specifically that combination of things, and especially the cheesecake, as I said.

I think it was the texture? Like it's hard to put into words, but it's… off-white, thick, but like a cloud. Heavy but full of air, like a pierzyna, and being wrapped up in it and warm. The warmth is extremely important, he's right.

Where does the chocolate come in then, Julie?

That's important too, I can feel the data. It's not just any chocolate, it was that dry cake chocolate, dense but crumbly. Not like a box cake or a brownie. This was packed but it crumbled like ground in your hands. For some reason that applied to chocolate was important, I guess it balanced out the influence somehow? Anyway that's not important. The emphasis was on the cheesecake. The cherries were visual for sensuality, that glossy glassy red that I adore, that Eros reflects in his own right.

So the chocolate is just whatever? Because Julie is tied to it, is why I'm asking.

That's why I think the dryness was important, the bittersweet aspect of it. Chocolate, when sweet or too dense or too milky, becomes a totally different thing. It becomes threatening, almost.

Ah. So this was a… property shift?

I think?

Got it.

But I find it interesting that Eros said "this is what sensuality tastes like." The not-exactly-sweet but incredibly rich warmth of it. And it does, it's hard to put into words.

Hey, you would know, not me.

Actually you could know, if you wanted to, and THAT is what's important here.

Sexuality and sensuality are two totally different things.

And Eros has very little to do with the former, if at all.

Yeah, no kidding, that shocked me. Someone tried to screw around with the body memory when we left the kitchen and he got so freakin' angry--

It was a trauma trigger, when we walked into the bathroom to brush our teeth, immediately the body started getting spasms and pain reactions, from context memory. And Eros did get shockingly angry, he jumped right up and demanded to know "who was doing that," that "no one had any right TO do that." Which secretly lit this huge flame of hopeful gratitude in my heart, really. He got so corrupted before he died, hearing that from him now just wiped all the doubt away that I had about that. He splintered into his own person and lost the corruption he had held prior. Which is such a relief.

No kidding, I was worried sick about him too, and about what he could do if he wasn't healed from all that.

Mm-hmm. So… I remember he actually fed Julie a bit of the cheesecake and she got the cutest smile, it was great.

Yeah, that was pretty adorable.

Like Knife!

And Xenophon, we kept joking about that, and you forgot to mention that people keep name-blurring with those two. Infi and Xenophon.

Yeah, that's weird, it's been happening for months on and off.

Eros said he meant to say Xennie but then said Infi, like an afterthought of hir relevance or something.

Yeah. Those two have a deep connection somewhere and I think that's proof of it, subconsciously. I don't know what it is, other than parentage, but that could be significant enough.

Yeah. That's just guesswork now, though.

Pretty much.

So. I know we had something else to say about the Eros thing.

Yeah, it was more relief on my part, as well as heartbreaking realization, of just how far the confusion went? Or could go? You had something to say about that.

I did, I was wondering why the hell pain was tied to sexuality and Eros began explaining that to me, before he realized that he didn't have that data and that's why we called Julie in.

Oh yeah! That was interesting too, the fact that Eros actually doesn't have any accessible memory for sexuality. I thought he did.

That's how far the role corruption went, kid. And then Julie said that sexual pain and non-sexual pain are apparently two totally different things as well, which infuriated me because who the hell is trespassing on my turf with this topic, and then the fear thing came up. "Would this all stop if you were terrified of it."

Jabberwock.

If pain was put back into these sexual hacks, pain you could be afraid of, would it stop? Would you stop bloody confusing it with me because you are too freaking dissociated to tell what is happening and you're seeking relief? And we figured, heck yes, if we saw that monstrosity associated with this we would run the second it was implied.

Jabberwock is terrifying. Ze really is. But ze's a Retributor, I think, at least the motivation is the same.

Good. She should be, the last thing we need is more corrupt reinforcement of the negative.

Meaning?

Meaning the next person to promote abusive behavior up here is getting my axe slammed into their face.

Good.

Yeah, no joke. I'm tired of this.

Mostly splinters and fragments and socials are promoting abuse now, though. No one in the System.

Yeah, and thank God. Wait-- why the heck would socials­ be-- oh. Societal garbage, right?

Yeah. Subconscious programming. Subliminal obligation. Dirty automated scary stuff that ends up in the cellars solely because there's no filter on what's shoved into your awareness on the outside.

That's why Infi's around though, right? At least halfway.

What, to protect me from that?

To remind you of what's true, not that. Infinitii is tied to the subconscious trouble more than anyone else up here, save for maybe the other daemons from what you've told me. But Infi holds our scary stuff from the outside. The whole bloody System, since ze's the Core-splinter of you. Ze has to deal with all the terrifying nonsense that gets to you in the dark, and ze's stuck twofold because ze's part of it, part of the dark, part of the Shadow that we need to turn into gold, as you say.

Infi is already gold.

That's the point.

…I suppose it is. Oh geez, I suppose it is.

Heh, got you pretty deep on that, huh?

Yes. I… you did. Also. Wreckage is more gold than ever now. Her teeth and claws shine with it.

Really?

Yeah, like a vague iridescent gold sheen. They're almost ivory-white otherwise, like bone. And her body was muted before, like a dirty gold, and now it shines. She's become so valiant lately, like you really, I admire her growth so much. And her eyes don't shadow red anymore! They're straight-up gold too.

Her eyes were going red?

Yeah, at first they'd turn red every once in a while, which is a sign of instability for anyone, the color differences. But now they're gold all the time, no flickers.

Geez, that's good news. Anyone else you got an update on, while we're here on the topic?

Uh… hm. Not really? Oh! I kissed Josephina yesterday. His doing.

Sheesh, you didn't write that down yet? That was moving, really.

Yeah. I got out of therapy and I was a mess, I think Genesis hugged me, I had been dealing with mother issues and feelings of unworthiness and stuff… everything we discussed at the beginning of this session and more. But then Genesis was there for me, and you were, I remember you hugged me and I swear I felt it, that was twice that day I think. The first time I almost collapsed into sobs on the spot because it meant everything in that moment, it was everything real and true and forgiving and I needed it more than life itself at the time.

…

So people were comforting me, for carrying that for everyone else. I know Knife was there, so was Lynne, Nat and Leon both, Julie, we called in Javier as he didn't know where we were… Waldorf hugged me so sincerely, there's a real friendship between us now, and I expected Josephina to follow her after last time but he got me back for that, still took me by surprise. I remember hearing those little jingly bell earrings he wears too. But it was so sincere, it meant so much to me.

"After last time?" Did you write that down?

What?

You kissed Waldorf, about three weeks ago. That's all I know.

Me too, it's not even my memory.

What?

It's weird. It was one of those dead-float mornings, the pale white ones.

Oh. Shoot. Were you okay?

Ultimately, thanks only to Nat and Leon, who somehow negated all the negative influence that was trying to choke me at the time. I'll never forget that feeling, I hope not. There was such sincere peace between them both, it embraced me like a flower or like moonlit wings, like greenery and indigo light. I felt totally absolved. And that's the only memory I have of that entire morning, personally.

Who the heck kissed Waldorf then? Who the heck keeps fronting in your stead, when stuff like this happens? It's not Eros, we confirmed that just now, so…

Yeah, I thought it was him, but again that was due to role confusion.

Who the heck really holds that confusing stuff, then.

I don't know.

We need to find out.

Garrison, write that down?

Heheh.

Kalisha did, there's a huge heaviness to having that set down as a "to-do" item though.

Meaning?

Meaning now it's written down. It's a tangible thing. And there is a heavy vibe to it.

From the job, or what it implies?

…From what we'll have to look through to do it, I think. It's a stony brown color, a light dustiness, but not in a comforting way. Like desert dirt. Dry and silent weight.

Huh. Guess we'll be taking Chaos along, then.

Hhhhf.

Hehe, have you mentioned how he's been trying to get your attention like crazy these past few days?

Since I tuned back in? No. I should.

Synchronicity has been up the wall, dude.

I know! Honestly it's been breaking my heart and glowing it both, it's insane. Wherever I look, or listen, there he is. There's oceans everywhere. Even when I don't look, or want to look, or feel worthy of looking. The messages keep coming. Go to him. Go back to him. "Do you realize how much love is there for you?" And not even as something apart, the feeling of this which makes it so significant and heartbreakingly true is that it's not at a distance, when these words hit me they resonate in my heart, deep within my ribs like the bottom of the sea, echoing like a bell in the depths. They catch and ring and I know there is a part of me there that matches him, that half of a taijitu, that infinite loop, I can't ever deny that even when I find it hard to believe… it's true. It still responds. And I can never ignore these calls, these synchronicities, because my soul has already wholeheartedly answered "yes" before my brain can hesitate in doubt. But it'll never say "no." That's always moved me to tears, the fact that even when I'm terrified, my poor mind still can't say no to that light because it knows, deep down it knows too that there's only joy on the other side. There's only light when you open the door and walk through it, only open arms and that reminds me, "Heaven" was on the radio today too.

Wait, what?

"Heaven." By Bryan Adams. Ryman's song, from 2002. It was playing over the radio when Genesis and I stopped at Wegmans, I barely heard it but I knew what it was. And I started laughing, and smiling, and suddenly it was impossible for me to ignore my health anymore. You know how tough it is to stay focused and centered in public, social programming likes to kick in and unhealthy obligations take over. But that song was playing, and I was pulled 100% into fronting, and… I felt worthy of it, for a moment. Like I was shining white and confetti-colored, as I should be, and it was impossible for me to hurt myself along with anyone else. So I didn't.

…Kid, that's great. That's great to hear that.

I know, it was so significant. And of course Genesis gets his due, we kept jokingly calling each other "babe" and then one time he gave me this look and I had to laugh, "are you flirting with me," he said "maybe." Oh and I jokingly told him later that if he really wanted to snog me, as you'd say, he'd have to wait until we got home. He's going to ask me about it tomorrow if I forget, so make sure he's in our room when we're done with this. I know he's been sticking around lately but the moment I lie down CZ gets all the focus and I'm sorry, I'm rambling on again. I guess I just want to say that I love them both but I do owe Genesis a non-social, more "introverted" show of love than I usually do?

And you should take Chaos with you when you travel more often too, "babe," he misses you too during the day.

That's true, haha. It's just weird, or at least unusual, because he is so much quieter than Genesis vibe-wise, except when Perfect shows up and then it's his old romancer vibe all the time.

Ah. Really?

Yeah, he's all teeth and grins and personal interaction, I don't know how good he'd be at social guiding, which is what Genesis does actually. Gen makes sure I can function in public places without massive fronter switching, or getting lost due to memory gaps, or the like. CZ and I don’t have much experience with doing that, yet at least.

Huh. Maybe you should, I mean you two are married, as far as relevance goes.

Yeah.

Sorry. Now I'm the one apologizing. I joke too much about this stuff, and I'm truly sorry.

I know.

…Too much bleedover. I'm scared to death, kid, I really am, what with this relationship pain thing, and my bloody apathy thanks to that fear. Not understanding what to do and not liking that one bit. I'm sorry, kid, I keep throwing you under the railroad tracks here and not realizing what the heck I'm doing in the process.

Explain?

Heh, you know what I mean, Jay. I keep… running. Terrible things happen to you and instead of jumping into action like I used to I freak the heck out, because "what if they hack me" and--

Wait, Laurie, they can't touch you, you know that--

No we don't.

Yes we DO. I swear I will NEVER let them hurt you.

They can pretend to be me. You know that.

…I do. I'm sorry. I just…

You know it's not me, but the residue is hell. The fear lingers. You look at me and you don't bloody know.

I do know, Laurie--

You don't know, kid, not when fear is ruling the roost. Not when you are so bloody terrified of what happened the last time someone pretending to be me showed up, that your visceral subconscious reaction is to freeze up or run. You're not afraid of me, kid, you're afraid of them, but sometimes you can't tell the difference and that is what I'm so afraid of.

…So you stay away from me?

Yeah. God forgive me, kid, I am so sorry.

…

I really am. I don't want to see you attacked by these demons, but God help me, I don't want to be responsible for more pain on top of that hell. I don't know what the heck to do.

Be there. Please. Be there for me. If you're scared, get Infi, bring hir with you.

Infi gets lost just as much as I do, and in totally different ways, kid, that's the bloody danger here!!

…

Infi gets lost worse than I ever could. Ze knows exactly what I'm terrified of in this. …And yet you're not afraid of hir, are you?

No. But that's what's lethal.

…Shoot.

I'm not afraid of you either, Laurie, I'm afraid of losing you. You and I have the same fear in this.

…So what do we do?

…Get a third person in this regardless? Sugar's your bodyguard now, isn't she?

Yeah, no kidding, I needed one.

They can't touch her, can they?

I doubt it. She doesn't have love-ties to you. She's a Retributor, and she's Pink, which means she has backup from other Protectors if someone tries to violate her function. Maybe Eros could help in this regard, who knows. I know Julie is iffy about it because she doesn't want to be reminded of the past, but… geez. I don't know.

We'll find out. We don't need to solve this overnight. We just have to stay strong, and stay together, even if that sounds like a platitude. Hope is important, as is faith in each other.

It is.

And love.

Which they're trying to mangle beyond recognition.

They won't. They can't. They can try to blur our perspective all they want, but they can't change the core of this, the truth. I think that's why I'm not afraid of Infi. Or you. Or Chaos, for that matter.

Or Genesis. I've heard the stories, kid.

Of?

He slips, too. You avoided him for a freaking long time because of that. And yet every time he knocks on your door, you let him in. Every time he ghosts, you say hello, and let him follow you. Unconditional forgiveness, that's what you've got, kid. I only ask that you do the same for me if I ever screw up.

Laurie. Love, that's guaranteed. I could never withhold forgiveness from you, ever, no matter what you did.

Are you sure?

…Laurie, I think the things we're both terrified of you doing, you're not even capable of. It literally hurts to think of, like massive dissonance.

Does it now.

Yeah. Your very existence clashes with those fears. They can't occupy the same space.

But it's the fear I'm afraid of, kid, ironically. It's them tying my face or my likeness-- which they're doing already-- to abuse, to what seriously hurts or scares you. I do not want that happening. I will stop this travesty if it bloody kills me.

You know I realize it's not you, right?

But it scares you, doesn't it, that they won't quit?

It unnerves me. It makes me scared for you, or at least, my knowledge of you in my mind.

See, that's the thing.

But I know you better than they ever will. No amount of forcing or lies on their part will ever change my mind.

You swear?

Absolutely. Cross my heart.

Don't you dare die.

Well. Not like that, anyway.

Don't. Too many times I've almost lost you, and once I did. Don't. I swear, kid, even if I fail you in the worst way, don't you DARE take a knife to your own throat, or heart, or wrists. Don't you bloody dare. There's more to life than me, I want you to go on living, heal from whatever the heck I did, you've got better docs than me and you know it.

I... Laurie. Please. It's not going to happen.

But the sentiment is true. All right?

…All right. …I really love you, Laurie. I do.

I know, kid, I love you too, and believe me when I say that.

I do. I never doubted you.

Good. Then that's step one, again, as always.

Yeah. But it's a spiral step, I think. We have made progress. It's just that this is the truth beneath all other truths, holding them up, lifting us higher. It's the baseline.

Base Zero. Pun intended.

Yeah, no kidding. …But that's the point, yeah. Love is there. Unfailing, undying.

…

Not much you can say to that, huh?

Nah, just stepping back and taking it in is all.

Words really do fail. It sounds paltry, to keep saying the same words…

What the heck else are you going to say, kid? It is how it is. Amen and all that.

Haha, yeah.

So. Speaking of love. You going up to meet the monsters yet or what?

Uh, after I color our text and post this, sure.

Remember you've gotta draw pixels for everyone else soon.

Oh yes, that is true. I'd love to. I do want to draw people, it's just the shock of not being able to photorealistically render everyone on the first shot is overwhelming sometimes…

Kid, you are too much of a perfectionist, I swear. Pun intended.

Really.

Yeah. Stop pursuing that dead end, you know as well as I do what the lesson is there.

…Yeah. We've talked about it.

So. Trial and error, I guess. Make mistakes. Grow from them. Learn. You can do it, kid, I have faith in you.

I've heard all that before and yet every time you say it it means the world.

That's the point, boy. But really, we done talking for tonight? It's 1:30 in the bloody morning and you still have Cold Dust Girl on loop.

Oh man, talk about relevant.

How the heck did that song even become relevant?

The chords. This is the Gemini Club remix, remember. I gravitate to harmonies in songs, mostly, half the time I don't even notice lyrics unless they catch me hard.

Like "Heaven" did today, huh?

Yes. "Now our dreams are coming true, through the good times and the bad…"

Next line is "I'll be standing there by you," and I gotta apologize to Ryman but I am stealing that tonight, sorry. You been hanging out with him recently or what?

No, the dead period made it tough to reach anyone, let alone the Outspacers of all people. But he showed up in my inner vision on the 19th, when Markus was singing…

Markus? Really?

Yeah, he sings.

Hey, that's pretty cool. Didn't know the kid had it in him.

Hey, he sings "Empty Streets" and that was the first song I ever heard him do, years ago.

Yeah, but not much else, right? Ryman's at least associated with communication and all that, blue stuff.

Plus Ryman was singing from the moment I met him, practically. But yeah, Markus was singing… I forget what song, I'll have to look and see if I wrote it down. But he had his rose wings activated, I forgot how beautiful they were… I've never seen those two boys so clearly before, not that I can remember. It was amazing. And it came out of nowhere, while meditating, after weeks of not having heard from them at all. And then Ryman's song played over the radio today. Synchronicity!

Heheh, that's what makes life worth living, kid, are the little things.

Hey, I just want to thank you for saying my name earlier. It means a lot to hear you say it, I know you call me "kid" all the time, so--

Geez, Jay, if I knew that was bothering you I wouldn't do it--

No, it's not a bother, I like it. But names are important. So hearing mine said by you means a lot.

…Jay, you know what I said about you always saying inexplicably romantic things. That was one of them.

Is "romantic" the right word?

Closest bleeding thing to it for me, at least. Whatever the heck it is. Things that make you pause and realize that "man, I really freakin' care about this person."

Ah, okay. I know what that is.

What what is?

That feeling. It's nice.

Yeah, no kidding. When do you get it?

Always, geez.

No, I mean examples.

Uh… hm. Let me think of one from recently… well, actually, the other week when Chaos told me "home is where the heart is" when referring to me. He was half asleep. It was the sweetest, most fragile thing, it had such an impact on me then. Still does.

Yeah, takes your heart a bit to recover, doesn't it?

Exactly! There's no term for it in the English language that I know of and there should be. Ironically "indescribable" is the closest match, so.

Heheh. But yeah, kid, that's it.

From me?

From you, yeah, I get that from you, why?

Just… same feeling in return is all.

Good. That's how it should work, I think.

So.

Hm?

Should I go up and toss this feeling at the monsters or what?

Haha, absolutely man, your lips are going to be bleeding five seconds in and you know it.

Geez Laurie, Genesis doesn't bite that much, you know that.

No I don't actually, and frankly it would be weird as heck if he bit me, so.

I think he shares the sentiment.

Heheh.

Oh. Uh, there was something I had to say.

What?

Have I mentioned that Infi has crystal teeth?

Have you?

I'm not sure. They're all diamonds, or something. All pointy and perfect. Chaos has teeth that are subtly green-clear like glass, but they're made of water too, or at least liquid energy, like the rest of him. Genesis has normal-colored bone teeth but they are crazy big, his mouth is just weird. The inside is dark blue and his tongue is amber.

How the heck does that work?

Dream demons, man, nobody knows. Chaos has a blue tongue when he needs one and Infi's is black. Shiny black, kind of silvery in the light, not pitch black like the inside of hir mouth, so.

Kiddo you know way too much about these people's mouths.

I have an aesthetic addiction. A fascination. I like teeth.

And?

And drippy things. There, I said it. But mouths are weird, I don't like mouths, at least not on faces? Is that weird?

Yes.

Which is why Infi is cool, because ze has mouths on hir wings, and CZ doesn't often have a mouth at all, so. But I wonder why that is, mouths on faces with eyes make me uneasy at times. It's too much focused manic energy.

What about for me, and Genesis? We got that too?

Genesis doesn’t faze me much because his energy vibe is charged, so I expect that. And you don't get romantic like Infi or quiet-intimate like CZ.  It's all about vibes. If someone gets too close, and there's too much mouth, it scares me a little?

Is that an abuse association? Did Julie do that during her bad days?

Maybe?

Shoot, I forgot you don't know.

I think it's less her, and more the family. But yeah, we should pinpoint that too, for sure, so we can release it.

Can I just say thank God we are releasing this trauma baggage because I am so bloody tired of some of it.

Most of it, for me. I'm glad too.

Yeah, no kidding. It feels good to get all this off our backs at long last.

Why'd it take so long?

You're asking me, kid! I've been trying to solve it since I showed up here, eight bloody years ago.

Happy late birthday, by the way. I mean that.

Kid, I don't care if you're two months late, I know you meant it back on the 4th. Like I said, you're alive, that's what matters.

Thank you.

…Kid.

What?

I know you always want to say "I love you" after things like that, and I just wanna thank you for being comfortable saying that around me, like that.

…That is important, yeah.

Sure. So I love you too. Now get your ass to bed.

Haha, again!

Yeah, the other night was funny. Hey, your boss still talking to you at night or what?

On and off. He got tangled up with the faceless voices so it was iffy for a while. I haven't seen him directly in a while, though, no.

Go say hi to him before you snog the monsters, tell him I said hi.

I will. I miss him so much, I realy do.

Then maybe we should close this bloody huge thing up, it's 25 pages already.

Geez. Feels good!

Yeah, you're telling me! I miss talking to you like this, kid. Jay.

Haha. I appreciate that, actually.

Good, 'cause I'm trying. Oh, also. Say goodnight to Xennie more often, okay? I know it's ridiculously late now, but she usually goes to bed around 11 o'clock, so pop upstairs for a second and tuck her in for heaven's sake, at least.

I will. Remind me.

I will, if I can reach you. But you need to spend more time with that kid, she loves you.

I adore her. I'm just a mess so often, I know it scares her sometimes.

Scares me too, doesn't mean I love you any less. Same with her. If anything it makes her want to help you more by being with you.

No child should feel so obligated to help their parents get better, enough to care for them. It's terribly unfair.

Kid. She's got a whole freakin' support system up here. Literally. You're not her only caretaker.

But I'm her father, whether I understand it or not.

…True.

So I want to be better, for her.

You think she doesn't know that?

…

She does, kid, believe me she does. She doesn't want to help you because she pities you, or because she feels obligated to. Not at all. She wants to help you because she loves you like you love her and she wants to see you feel better for your sake as well as hers. It's unconditional and you know it. Don't make me cite examples.

No, I can name several. I just… bottom line is, Laurie, sometimes I just don't feel worthy enough to be her father.

Nonsense. You're the worthiest man in the world because you are her father. Okay? Don't crush yourself into the dirt. You're fine. Remember what we said about perfection.

…Are you sure?

Absolutely sure, Jay. And let me add this. The moment you stop freaking out and worrying, is the moment you realize you are already the father you want to be for her, and the father she needs. As soon as you stop putting yourself down and selling yourself short, you can stand as high as you wanted to all along. You're standing in your own light, kid, that's all it is, simply because you can't believe that you're the one shining that brightly. Okay? I can see it, she can see it, Infi and Chaos and Genesis can see it, we all can. Don't be so bloody afraid of your own light. If anyone told you that being too bright was bad, or blasphemous, they can jump right off the roof of Central. That kind of talk is nonsense, as I will always say. You're a spotlight, kid, and you've highlighted everything that's bright in me even when I was blind to it. So let me do the same for you.

You always do.

Yeah, I guess so. …No, that means a lot to hear, actually. Thank you.

Always.

…Well.

Well?

Heh. Same sentiment back at you, right?

Oh. Yeah, I… thank you.

Always. Now we closing this up?

Sure, let's do that before I fall asleep standing up.

Therapy tomorrow, what we talking about?

Oh, uh… geez, I don't know, whatever comes up. This maybe, something else maybe. We'll see.

Sounds good to me.

Oh and I told Simeon he can front if he wants to, since that kid has a much bigger role than we previously realized, if today is any indication.

No kidding. But really, Jay, get some sleep. People are waiting for you.

True. All right, good night Laurie. I love you a lot.

Same to you, kid. See you around.

Yes, in a few minutes.

Hey, the chair will never leave.

As long as that means you won't either, that's great.

Heheh.

Okay. We need to do this more often. Thanks for being brave enough to start this one, too.

…Yeah, that was tough.

Your bravery in all things is a shining example to me.

Are you falling asleep?

Yes. Poetry.

Go write some.

If I can, I will. And then I will sleep.

Well, before that I heard you're going to be performing a different kind of poetry, so…

No jokes. Not about that.

Sorry.

It's okay. We just need to be more reverent, Infi said. It helps.

That it does.

Okay. I cannot talk anymore, I need to show you my wing-ness and the arms and the back mouth. Teeth. Talking. It comes from my head, I have no face.

Kid, you are practically high, this is hilarious.

is it. good. oh and my hair is shiny, like a crystal, it's kind of funny. I'm all iridescent spikes like a christmas ribbon. did I tell you autumn feels like the end of the year, but like new years? like for me, life ends at the beginning. life begins right before the ending. like in steps 1 to 4, step 3 is the beginning. does that make sense?

Kind of?

things that look like death, people think, "it's autumn, the year is drawing to a close, the leaves are dying, soon it will be the dead of winter and then it's the end. of the year. then comes spring, the beginning again!" but for me… autumn is both the closing of the book, and the opening of another? it is simultaneously new year's. maybe because of my birthday. but autumn is the first thing I remember and also it was an ending. that makes more sense.

That's interesting, and it does.

but… it's lovely. I'm glad to be alive. and I'm tired.

Then go to bed, kid.

okay. wait.

Wait?

we are so bad at closing these

Haha, you do remember that. Yeah, we really suck at conclusions. Endings are bittersweet and all that.

bittersweet is nice though

…I suppose it is. Kind of like those 'moments,' huh?

the nice ones yeah. no words for those

Maybe that's why we're bad at conclusions, huh?

maybe. I love you laurie good night

I love you too, Jay. See you later. 

 

 

 

 

Things lately have been kind of hellish, yet fluctuating between total suicidal despair and a refusal to give up hope. I think we're possessed for real, the violent outbursts + time loss are getting worse and we have apparently tried to attack people? That is not good at all and I want to stop it.
We had an emergency therapy appointment on Friday because of all that. It made me realize that "self-care" is dangerous for us because I don't know how to think of myself as a separate being," so to speak, therefore my mind has two options: "care for others and not exist as a person, but be totally happy and feel complete," OR, "care for yourself and the world doesn't exist, so to heck with them." The big problem? Option #1 is my state of existence. Option #2 belongs to whatever girl fronts in this body when headspace is unplugged. Anyway it made me realize that the "self" insisting on being cared for is not taking any of our selves into account, and we all feel angry and frustrated and sad because the "self-care" everyone outside is praising us for, is actually killing us. That was quite a revelation so I want to write it down.
The family keeps telling us to literally "run from our problems," basically "distract ourself from the pain and pretend everything is fine," and that is making a lot of us really mad obviously.
I'm listening to Library Tapes right now it's really pretty
We had a doctor's appointment yesterday? I think? Friday. It was oddly distant. But Spice and Wreckage got really mad in the waiting room because they wanted us to take pills, and Spice says NO PILLS but Wreckage knows that they are thinking psychological problems need physical treatments and that has NEVER worked. So she fronted when we got home, total suprise, very mad I remember. She was sittng in the car and shouting. I don't know what she said but it felt very real for her to be there. Then she noticed the nature outside was very pretty, all bright green and covered with rain, and she got really kind of sad because, "I don't know how to feel about this." Spice dealt with that too, when she first spoke to us in the body, she saw how beautiful the world was otuside and it broke her heart because "my anchor is tied to fear and pain, it's a job we need for me to help heal it, is it even possible for me to feel peace and good things without completely abandoning that role and therefore forcing someone else to take it?" it's convoluted and very sad hi this is simeon by the way!
oh jewel fronted on the way home too, we lost $20 i think? i dont know its not the first time. either way we lost money. oh no we lost $30 that was it. and jewel got mad, said it's "okay to want to have enough moeny to take care of ourselves," BUT we were scared because some bad voices keep using the money for mad tings. they tell us we "must do this must buy that" and it makes jay very sad because there aer LOTS of mean bad voices trying to yell at him and order him around and do stuff. but he says their voices are in his head but our voices are in his heart. so he can tell its us and not them! that makes me really happy. we will have to try and make sure we stay here then, sometimes things get "unplugged" and no one can find each other

I have a headache and I've had once since I woke up, dreams lately have been nightmarish in the empty "the world is dry and yellow and dead empty" sort. All flat dead air and no living hills and things.
There have been lots of hack nightmares too. it makes us not want to sleep a lot but we have to
It's tough lately, getting through the day. We don't want to spend all our time on the computer, especially not with the EMF stuff, but otherwise we literally end up exercising for 3+ hours or sleeping. There has got to be a better option, how do we deal with this, what do we do, what are we even dealing with,
there was a hack this morning,
i figureed out why they are so traumatic. because the split is TOTAL. reality and psychology and comprehension and presence are totally disconnected. i never know what happens or when or how or what until it's finished, then suddenly i'm snapped back, everything hurts, i'm scared, body is literally telling me that it is frightened and damaged.
the pink girl noticed and started shrieking in pain, sobbing, wanting to die from hopelessness but also so furious that she wanted justice done. so wreckage showed up, went upstairs, i was also too sick to exist so i shut off and the main consciousness switched to some think i never saw before. some raelly scary unknown pink monster voice with butcher knives for hands (and no face?) was main, showed up to attack infi, wanted to kill hir. got close. fought wreckage, also tried to kill me. i lost my legs i told them i "didn't want them anyway" that was weird i didn't remember any of this until like three hours later
wreckage and the fuchsia monster fought, but it was weird it's like no one actually wants to fight anymore, it's hard for even the retributors to draw blood. they will try to fight to bring justice and atonement, but it is so difficult. i felt that bleedover and it shocked me, when did all our hearts soften this much, when did we all become so unwilling to cause pain anymore that we started stagnating in the "painless agony" the others dealt? the bad voices, the scraeming ones, the demons, they never cut us up, but the bleeding was always done out of love, even totally misplaced, they always wanted to make something better. i love every single scar on this body dear god i do, it reminds me of them always, i love them.
but the bad people never ever ever leave scars at least not physical ones. and that is the problem. how do we fix that? how do you heal a wound that you can't even find or see
we could always stop the bleeding, but we can't stop this, and we're dying from it
it needs to stop.
i dont know how infi is doing i havent seen hir and weirdly i cant be scared of hir even now, i'm scared of hir being USED like the tar keeps doing. yes it is still alive of course. i saw it yesterday i think, soemthing called it, it as horrifying, it still can call up body flashbacks instantly. sometimes i wonder if they'er not flashbacks at all. they say the inner realms are just as real, JUST AS REAL, stop doubting us and everything, even the scary stuff. i know that it is literal even there. so i dont want to relive those memories, NO ONE DOES, no one wants to go to therapy and talk about the pain and the rape because its like we live it again right there, NO ONE WANTS THAT
and the tar can bring it all back in a second
the plague is different, the plague is disease, is thunderstorm air and hurricanes coming to punish us. it is quiet panic creeping and wrath of god and burning-red stares of hatred and no emotion. the tar is the opposite, the tar is outright maniacal outbursts and flooding of sickness black heavy choking. the plague is quiet and scary
what are we talking about sorry.
there are no bad feelings right now though. except the body is sick again. not sure why. someoen told us to eat one thing it is good, it was not? we arent sure lots of people were home so we dont know who ate what, spice is tired, why isnt emmett eating, we need to make sure he always does he's safe.

but therapy has been difficult lately because we are finally processing trauma memories. I haven't been capitalizing, sorry. We haven't been, rather. Sorry!
But yeah people are trying to finally admit that "yes it DID happen" and "yes it STILL hurts" and "oh by the way this HASN'T STOPPED either" but there is so much guilt and shame and self-loathing and anger at those things, why were we taught to be ashamed of saying we are in pain, why were we punished for crying out for help, all the abused ones in the system are getting SO ANGRY because they WANT TO HEAL and they are SICK OF BEING IGNORED.
we all are tired of being ignored, not by jay, he just gets scared, we forgive him. but the rest of the world likes to ignore deny and taht is sad we want to live too
even if its inside we are safe and fine here. so many people cant live in one body! but we dont want to be ignored. we are real and loving good people too you know
we just want to be happy, ALL of us, together. that's it really

Oh, forgot to mention. We made the phone call to start hormones yesterday. FINALLY. So hopefully that will start in July. I hope so, for all of us. If the dysphoria abates a little, the healing will probably boost through the roof. The therapist thinks so too, she is helping us as much as possible with this, we're so glad.
Hospitalization is still up in the air, tentative date was June but we're not sure, again because we want to see if T helps or anything. Plus we really don't want to go back into a hospital environment, and have eating trouble. They aren't very understanding of some things even though they try. But being in a place where everyone knows we're multiple, and there are other systems... it would be really nice in a way, IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THIS BAD PERSON FRONTING ALL THE TIME sorry for yelling. that wasn't me. but it is very very sad and i'm angry about it too a little!

Jeremiah fronted for about five seconds this morning, after the hack. It broke my heart to feel that, because he used to be the guy that took the pain in order to protect the children, to keep it from ever reaching them, but existing just to feel THAT was a literal hell. It was driving him mad I think. But today he couldn't even force himself to feel it, it was too terrible, he started sobbing and just went inside to watch over the children.
The body reactions to hacks are really the worst thing, because they make no sense whatsoever, it just freaks out totally and that is what scared us the most as a child. No one knew how to comprehend that! And it was WORSE back then, with the blood and the convulsions and the massive dissociation (pre-headspace). Now the body still gets horribly ill, but the numbness of long-term abuse at least allows things to shut down entirely sometimes. Which is sad but at least it keeps anyone from feeling it sometimes. Ash shouldn't have to, Jeremiah shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to, NO ONE SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS. This should never happen to anyone. And yet it does, and it's terrifying, and Infi gets the worst of it because ze is the one trapped in that territory. It breaks my heart. We all know what the truth is but the bad things keep trying to mangle that and ze suffers, it's not fair, it's too cruel.

There were a LOT of triggers today. The dead red boy almost came out a few times. We lost a LOT of time. I know we went food shopping because I remember walking out the door with Genesis, but then boom, I remember almost nothing of the evening after that instant. That's upsetting. It happens almost every time we leave the house.
We didn't eat until about 8pm again today, thanks to religious paranoia/ not hungry/ food is tied to abuse/ etc. It's upsetting that there's still so much moral insanity lingering around, it keeps us from doing much. The absolute worst breakdowns we ever have are always tied to spirituality somehow, that childhood fear of being evil incarnate, of being disposable and filthy. I got a lot of help today towards healing that via a few spiritual-blog links, but the main website I used to go to for those is extremely dangerous at times because it has so many authors, and our brain has a bad habit of thinking it's all the "gospel truth," until it realizes that the articles often contradict each other. So yeah, I follow what I get, then I leave. I can't force things, even with good intentions, as it doesn't end well. I'm trying to learn how to tap into our intuition more without being drowned out by bad voices or 'obligations,' but that won't be instantaneous. Still I'm putting in honest effort. I'll have to ask Leon to help maybe. Headspace always helps either way.

I went outside to talk to my favorite cherry tree earlier, the little gnarly one in the back yard, I am so glad no one cut it down. It's my friend and it is so nice and I'm always so happy talking to it. So I just leaned against it for a bit and felt happy and thanked it for always being willing to chill out with me, haha.

I'm feeling nice now. Surprisingly. I think it's just because this happened, this typing.
Laurie's been asking me for weeks to have a Xanga session and I don't know why I haven't agreed? It's this weird fear, of how much I'll feel maybe, or of the unquestionable reality of it that always hits. Headspace holds glory and gore both, and you have to accept those two things when it's around. And I've been scared to.
But I love her. I love all of us, and that's worth trying. Lynne's been hanging around lately, a lot, which is great. She and Laurie were joking around yesterday, and there was something about Freud and eggplant which was so funny that I ended up laughing out loud. Waldorf has been around rather frequently too, so have Leon and Nathaniel, Nat especially has been quite talkative. Spine often follows Lynne and we've been trying to include her more lately; also she was talking to us about something super important yesterday and I wish I remember what. So was Mulberry! I clearly remember seeing her, notably her suit stood out in my mind. Knife's been here and there, it's always good to see him. Sugar fronted for a minute or so sometime last week, just to check in, I don't know when but there she was. Spice is practically a regular now, she and Laurie get along well. Algorith seems to be buddying up with Wreckage. And I've been talking to Sergei and Hyakin a lot lately, actually, they're really cool. Sergei spoke to the mother on the phone some morning a week or two ago, that stands out in my head because I had just woken up and she started talking about flowers and he was like "really" and just took over. That's really funny in retrospect.
Garrison also spoke to me a bit today (I missed him!), plus he was helping last week when Laurie was talking to my bro. It's good to see he and the others are still around; he said the archivists have been rather overwhelmed with all the data recently, I said don't be too logical about it because then you get trapped. Sherlock can help with that, he's abandoned the logic box and he's now a sort of "librarian" figure in my eyes, like total love of knowledge but also the creative freedom that follows it and books and learning. Which is great.
CZ's been trying to ghost more lately, he spent almost an entire afternoon with me earlier this week, it was one of the most genuine days I've experienced in a while. Xenophon was around too, I talk to her or visit her whenever I can, I really try. Cel is always around, Ryman and Markus are doing their own thing lately but they aren't disconnected from us totally, which is neat.
There's more richness to our inner life than I give it credit for, I think.
But just... typing, tonight, has helped. Just all of us trying to express things, just all of us being totally acknowledged, helps.

I'm also trying to work on this. It's tough as I keep forgetting anatomy proportions (sorry, I'll need to get safe refs) and art is really tricky on bad nights, but still, it means a lot. Very much WIP but I'm feeling a lot of love and gratitude right now and I feel like sharing is okay.



Told you I was going through with it.
I will talk about that more as I work on it. As of now, it just brings up a lot of emotions just to look at. I mean seriously, I'm trying to draw us. That's big.
I want to do at least one more set, with the Retributors probably. I might ultimately draw everyone. I want to, in one way or another.

For the record... this song always makes me think of the Retributors. Every one of them started out swinging punches and blades, fighting with all their might.  But as time went on, they slowly realized that approach wasn't working as well as it once did, and really... we're not as cut out for this as we thought. The song really says it best.
Boxing's been good to us, but the whole time, we knew...

 

I think I need to type like this more, late at night, or during the day, or whenever. There's something about typing that just bypasses every emotional barrier, and no matter how much pain and sorrow and anger gets dragged up from the depths during it, in recent times it has shockingly always seemed to conclude in love. Always.
It's us, is what it is. D.I.D. is this ridiculously blessed and brutal "disorder," ironically as we ended up with a System from it... but embracing the reality of us, the totality of us, AS us, as a collective, as a togetherness and a unity... it has changed our life for the better. Obviously. If Cannon had tried to do it alone I think she would have died. If Laurie didn't always work so hard to keep us together, if the Outspacers didn't always stand fast in their own dreams and love and hope... really words don't work. Bottom line is, if at some point we had decided solidly, "I don't want this, I don't want them," we would have died. Our heart and soul would have died. We exist to protect health and coherence and light, that's why we ARE, even if our reality might make others insist we're insane. That doesn't matter. This matters.
There are people in the "anti-System"-- the people like Jessica and Bridget-- who have rejected us as a whole, who want to be selfish and cruel and seething with rage and hate, who refuse to acknowledge reality. They say it's "better that way," to outright deny the past and the present alike, to live according to whims. Sometimes they can be very convincing. But we exist to heal and so we have to trudge through the mud and dirt and blood first. We can do it though. We're holding hands through this and no one ever falls without being helped right back up to their feet, and we don't give up.

Words are failing, they really are. I want to cry right now because I am so sad that there is still unhealed damage here, and I love everyone in here, I love them all so much, how do I express that?
I always joke around that I want to kiss everyone in the System but damn it I do, it's one of the simplest most trusting and sincere actions of affection I know. You can hug someone and still be totally closed off, but you cannot snog someone halfheartedly. Jokes aside though, it's true. I adore all of us. And that's what hurts about what Simeon said, about not knowing how to live as Us. As a complete whole, made of many individuals. We want to balance that in our daily life because it is the only thing that makes me feel complete and real, honestly when I'm unplugged from headspace it is virtually impossible to feel the finer emotions. It's creepy in hindsight but it is true. But there's "good and bad" up here and we need to stop labeling that... it's all just how it is. That's how we are.

I need sleep. We haven't been sleeping well but I do know we need to rest. We need some good dreams. Minty and my boss (Mr. Sandman, who I love so freaking much he is great) still watch over us nightly, but sometimes it's hard for them to reach me and that's saddening. Still, people care. Laurie always watches. The Retributors always stand at attention. We're never alone. We're never hopeless. And that's really all I need to get through the day sometimes.

There is still so much that needs to be said, and I still owe you guys that map entry and all our Tumblr questions... but we'll take that bit by bit. We're dealing with a lot lately, but I promise you I don't want to slack off anymore. Yeah I might feel totally discarnate right now, but I also feel completely at peace, in a good way. The physical world might be jarring still but as long as I can tune into this in some way, every day, I think it'll be easier to manage. I haven't been doing this lately, by the way. Not a smart move.
Again, I'm rambling, which means I'm dissociated. Sorry about that.

Laurie's upset that it's 2am and I'm still awake ("kid, get your ass to bed") and I don't blame her. So that's it for tonight. I'll try to post another update tomorrow evening, even if it's small.
It's nice to be back. Feels like home in a weird way.
See you again soon.