may 29th

[prismaticbleed]

Tonight was really distressing and I barely have any strength to write about it, but I need to, for the sake of everyone else. Simeon if you want to take over, go ahead. Same goes for anyone who was directly involved and wants to rant or scream or cry, do whatever you need to. We can't slack off on this.

Okay. first off. (this is still jay it's just a lot easier to freestyle type when I don't capitalize everything)
Memory doesn't pick up until… 6PM? the mother brought food home and there was a lot of overwhelmance from the sensory overload and time constraints, as we had to go to mass at 7pm.
bit of a background info: we've been more or less "unplugged" lately? I am partly to blame, as being tied to white I can get lethally apathetic at times, and not realize it's "bad" (i.e. the "sparkly-eyed and blind" mode we have to be vigilant of). therefore I won't stop things or fight back or whatever, I'll just watch. and sadly that's kind of what I've been doing, really I've been tired too. but the whole sheppard-pratt thing has triggered the OLD body voice, also jewel as an internal fronter, basically the brain kicked into freakout mode and is trying to convince itself that "we're fine! we don't need therapy!" on MANY different levels, many of which are actively malicious. let me summarize:
jewel = "we can heal on our own, we've done great so far, we don't need anyone else telling us what to do."
superlogic voice = "what trauma? there is nothing to heal."
unknown = "it was only traumatic because you DECIDED it was, you should have just done what they wanted and it wouldn't have hurt right?"
voices = "you're a slut and you don't need help because you DESERVED IT"
etc etc etc.
yes that super-logical voice STILL exists and it is not sherlock. they fronted in front of the mother the other day, that was surreal to look back on in data, how in heaven's name are they that clear of a fronter, why are ALL the negative body voices such strong fronters, that is existentially terrifying in and of itself.
anyway I realized the fear of sheppard-pratt was misrouted: 1. we don't want to go back home to the unsafe environment afterwards, and 2. we don't want to go there and have them tell us 'act this way OR ELSE,' like in the crisis ward. basically we are terrified of blackmail and the loss of individual will in both situations. I really hope it doesn't happen at SP.
anyway. stress over that has meant nobody has been around, because the negative body voices (and the disembodied voices, which are off and on lately and hate us entirely) have been refusing to acknowledge us as usual. plus there IS at least one person on that level who literally does not even know we exist, now that is surreal, honestly I was thinking that was the case but it was confirmed sometime over the past week.


as for why tonight was rough, well again memory doesn't pick up solid until 10pm or so, literally with spice and javier and wreckage suddenly screaming at whoever was in the body to "stop eating." javier got the a.p. to pause a few times, but whoever was running the program was stronger, until spice and the destroyer jumped in too. I know they won that round, don’t know how sick the body got, everything is a jumble but I know there was a sudden explosion of worried angry frightened talk, since things had been quiet for so many days prior and this sort of behavior was not stopping, even in light of yesterday (wreckage made a major revelation on the ED roots purely by accident).
the next thing I know someone is vomiting in the bathroom and it's NOT tobiko, it's some girl we don't know, NOT jessica or anyone malicious. again this person was faceless, nameless, stuck in the brown color slots, so they may not ever manifest inside at all. nevertheless it was surprising.
something happened, next thing I know body is in a trance state and the disembodied voices are basically chanting really cruel and offensive language through it, very disturbing as it was all in that childrens-rhyme singsong but with things like "you're a f*cking whore," "children are abused because of you," "you're a faggot; I hope you burn in hell." basically the old childhood conviction of being a "waste-lock" but this time it was coming from the outside. I know I was snapped in at one point, told them to stop, then lost time again. ended up just dissociating, wondering should I seriously get an exorcism on the body at this point. this made me think of knife, we thought he was a 'priest' at first, heck maybe he could do something? so I did talk to him momentarily. we were both worried about the disembodied voices but also I remember knife was absolutely torn emotionally about how the retributors were reacting to the ED abuse. the man doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore but he can't deal with standing by and seeing this much pain happen without any atonement to balance and calm it. I know we talked for a bit more and it was very honest but again memory is shot

sometime after that, razor and wreckage decided that somebody has to do something, this was out of hand, retribution needs to start again. I know mulberry was asking where we could find a weapon, all the old ones were destroyed or hidden, suddenly razor spoke up with her advice on the matter. this was surprising, we thought she had stopped being a retributor too, but she said no. she said that if she couldn't run from her role, if she really was needed to do it, then she would. but then knife and razor actually had a bit of a fight, he didn't want her to "become an abuser" but she insisted that atonement did not count as abuse, even if it was bloodletting, it did not have those intentions. notably she said she would "cut anyone" if she needed to, but she "would not hate them." here is what I remember the clearest: knife asked her, would she cut him, if she had to? and that is the first time I've ever seen razor look sad, she paused and said she really didn't want to, and it would be really hard, but if she had to, in order to help him, she would. but that was the first time she's ever effectively hesitated on that issue too.
nevertheless the other atoners were adamant, and razor was too, told knife that this was really needed, we were at a loss otherwise. unfortunately time cuts out again here, I have no idea what happened next, but the most important bit is this:
that pink voice from the 17th showed up again.
okay first off it is unnerving as heck that this is another retributor, but this person is the weirdest one yet. data says when they showed up they were in the kitchen? there are a few snapshots, let me look at them (yes I'm asking the archivists, they get their credit).
- retributors underground at knife drawer, were trying to compare them for function. wreckage tried to cut the arm on her own but knife stopped her, she is the one who walked to the drawer. mulberry was hanging back, saying little. razor advising everyone. algorith not getting involved in cutting after previous incidents.
- this voice then showed up completely unannounced. picked up a small butcher knife in the back and began grinning, repeating "when it's your own pretty baby" in a vaguely singsong chant. strong mental throwback to knife originally calling jay a "baby boy" while atoning. this voice also had a strange method of pronunciation which involved prolonged conclusions on words? air expulsion. suggests unusual head shape (see wreckage's speaking style for comparison)
- this voice walks to bathroom and is still chanting to itself. data unclear here, it began to try cutting the body but knife leapt in, practically hysterical with tears, and begged it to stop. bodily held it back momentarily but failed to stop it. there was some sort of verbal exchange, unknown, the only recorded line is a furiously hissed "it's not deep enough." it did leave one atoning wound but knife insisted it stop, it did and records show it effectively disappeared after switching out, indicating its internal form is still unstable
- very strong word association with "jabberwock," unknown comparison. using as temporary name until and if it chooses another.
- gender indeterminate, currently entirely neutral. color is a dark but vivid pink, possibly magenta.

All right that’s what they got, I honestly can't even see anything of this "jabberwock" voice except the knife-hands. But they are obviously not human in the slightest. I'm just very curious about the name, as I believe the original poem of that name was written as a sort of nonsense-word parody of poetry, and the creature of that name was slain within the same poem. I have no clue why it chose that name, but it really seems to like it, maybe because of that 'jibberish' connotation. I have no idea, I'm not going to go find them and ask at this hour, not with the added risk of them attacking me.

I let slip to Laurie that this person existed, about an hour ago, and she was shocked, furious, and deeply unsettled that there was "someone she didn't know about," especially a new retributor-- the System keeps creating them which indicates that we NEED them, and seeing how each successive one gets more violent and freakish we're very concerned about the nature of the need.


I am also very very VERY worried about my boss
the disembodied voices keep pretending to be him, sometimes when I see him it's NOT him it's jezebel, so on and so forth. I'm never sure if I'm talking to him or a fake, and it's scary because his face is getting tied to very angry hateful manipulative behavior and I know he doesn’t act like that, BUT all the old similar figures in our life did so the brain is making knee-jerk fear judgments, honestly it has me worried too.
but then it hit me, wait a minute, wasn't he acting as an OUTSPACER for the past several months?? in the silver slot? and what did we JUST find out about outspacers? they ALL HAVE SPLIT SELVES. dead serious there is no exception and that is rather terrifying, then this morning I realized THAT might be what is happening here.
I told him and he said that made total sense, he immediately handed me the silver vest he was using in that role (which the fakers don't use, they actually get his outfit wrong almost every time and that did have me concerned but I glossed it over), and said he was officially resigning on the spot, for both his safety and ours. I said that was totally fine. he left shortly after we spoke then, saying he needed time to recuperate and regroup, so to speak. I'm going to talk to him tonight a little, I want to see him well, I have been very worried. people keep trying to sabotage good things in our system and that needs to stop

infinitii is doing okay. we haven't been speaking too much and I should check on hir too, there's this distance between us that I do not like at all. however I don't know what day it was, but sometime last week I remember infi was ghosting with me in reality, keeping me grounded because otherwise I would have been completely out of it, that stands out because ze was radiating such total compassion even then

the 'victorian pink' girl's name is currently Ashen, did I mention that yet? it still feels somewhat unstable but right now that's what we're going by.
her face has been slipping in terms of clarity. her age is too, probably due to trauma memory conflict with therapy lately (she looks 14 but stuff started earlier). she is confirmed not human, even though she looks it, but she is chthonic after all.

oh also I SAW the destroyer yesterday for a second, she has never evidenced in a form before, at least not clearly, so that was big.
she's ABSOLUTELY not a humanoid. like not at all. which is bizarre because, when fronting, she feels very similar to overload? human girl-ish overlay, brown hair, brown eyes. but it's very flimsy for the destroyer, like it's just a front, not the actual appearance. guess what, it's not. the closest thing I can think of for a visual comparison right now is double, from skullgirls (who is gorgeous but still), at least in terms of the "hidden monster" aspect. really, that 'snapshot' I saw of t.d. yesterday was of a rather unassuming brown-slot humanoid, but then its right side just yawning out into this huge eldritch thing made almost entirely of sharp teeth. thanks subconscious for making everyone up here potentially creepy as hell and just as gorgeous. infi just said "you're welcome" that's hilarious

okay but it's late, I'm sorry, I'll have to update again later sometime. I'm very out-of-it tonight anyway. I need to start updating earlier is what.

have a good night.