the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

 

                I have seen two thousand starry nights
        and can still count the hours
spent with my eyes wandering from one burning pinpoint to the next
                              wondering and waiting.

                                                         My memories have been lit by indigo evenings
                                         by breathless moments
                                  reaching out of car windows
              catching the frozen air as it caressed my tired bones
                                          ringing with the melodies of forgotten years.

              When it rains
         my eyes sting with empathetic devotion
               the droplets clinging to my hair like miniscule galaxies
dreaming of broken skyscrapers


                            and I still cannot find the words to describe you.



                                            ours is a love that none have ever dared to dream before.


we are defined by the unusual
                                              our own personal color spectrums
                           glimmering like sandcastles
                           and holding our breath against the tide

                                  trying to catch a glimpse of that aquamarine heaven
                  as we lose ourselves beneath the fractured sunlight
                                                            laughing at the glorious catastrophe of us.



we will never live up to our names.

                           hiding broken histories and tearful contrition
                                      staggering weaknesses

                                                                                        i am no shimmering ideal
                                                                        and you are no blood-spattered ataxia
choking with rage
lost in this nebulous agony; suffocating



                                                     my hands are burnt.

                              running from bleak puppetry
i pray for scars


and yet

                                              these tragic distances lose all
                                                                                          relevance
                                                  in the static-laced interims
                                   drowning in delicate chronology

you intoxicate my nerves
                                                    intangible beloved

                                                                                                            irreplaceable.

                                 every moment has been                      
                                                           p r i c e l e s s .
                                       every ache,                            every smile,
                                                       every silent syllable
ancient words and tired eyes
             embracing my early morning thoughts
                                            echoing through every note I dare to explore
             with an empyreal sort of dissonance

                                              a misunderstood chord in the symphony of things
my major seventh.



if I could put you to music                          a resounding symphony on my heartstrings
                 the ineffable echoes in my ribcage

                                would steal my voice away



                                                      the white stillness knows of our secrets
                                    snowflakes clinging to every ephemeral sigh
                     veiling sentiments in foreign tones
                                                      burning with subaqueous confessions
                                   a paradoxical state of mind
            watching sparks catch on the ice
                                                                our spectrums are complimentary



                         you are my curse, my blessing
                                                     my emerald-eyed maelstrom
                                            inducing this desperate oneirataxia
in which we are never surprised to find each other
(chasing relentless hopes)

                        reaching for a link that was never promised to us


                you transcend my capacity to    speak
                leaving this starlit soul with naught but indescribable emotion
                                              and so I reach out to you in wordless sorrow  
  praying for a single moment of euphoric refuge
                                             sobbing as you unconditionally hold me close


                                     your chest holds no shuddering disbelief
                    when I brush my contrite fingertips
  across invisible scars


                yet you recognize every fragile heartbeat
                                as if they had been written for you alone.



                                               we are an impossibility.


                                           we are a dream so beautiful
                                                  that reality could not possibly contain it

                                                          reaching out and blessing us with shaking hands
                                                                         we would never survive here.


and yet I'm willing to try
as long as you promise to follow


                                     for as long as they expect your heart
                                       to conform to stereotypical disorder
                                        we can be as illogical as we want.

 

 

Oh, my poor misguided child.
Sleep, why don't you sleep?
Do you still fear you memories,
The secrets that you keep?

Lynne, my dear, the answer's yes.
I'm terrified of me.
This devil ravaging my soul--
She just won't let me be.

My dearest child, you have to fight.
Your heart is far too strong
For any danger, day or night
To keep you in the wrong.

I'm trying, Lynne, but it's so hard
She cuts me to the bone.
I try not to let down my guard
But I can't win alone.

You're not alone, dear child. Each night
I will be here, and Laurie too.
And God has sent you angels bright
In aqua, violet, gold and blue.

Yes, Lynne, you'll all be at my side
Heart and body, soul and mind
I'll pray for God to be my guide
And hope salvation we shall find.

So sleep, poor child, for angels weep
When you feel lost beneath the moon.
The soul is infinitely deep
Your absolution will come soon.

Thank you, Lynne, for all you've said.
Together we will surely win.
Though Julie wants to see us dead
I swear I will not fall to sin.

Don't give up
Don't lose your light.
Please keep smiling, Jewel.
Good night.

...But don't tell it to a poor man!


Sorry, I've been listening to David Bowie and Steely Dan all day. As a result, the lyrics are echoing in my head.
I was surprised... I have so many albums by both but I never got a real chance to listen to them. I'm glad I took the time to do so today-- brilliant, brilliant minds.

Anyway.

Q-Lok's going to be at my house this Sunday. I'm just shaking my head.
I don't know what that kid expects, but let me tell you this much-- I have rules, and I will not compromise those rules.
Here's a few that apply to this theoretical future situation.

1. NO intentional physical contact. I'm scared of it.
2. NO kissing. See the above.
3. NO dancing.
4. NO romantic anything, basically.
5. NO 'playing around.'
6. NO silly nonsense of any sort.
7. NO calling me 'girlfriend' or 'babe' or anything like that. I've had... experiences.
8. NO trying to make me compromise, damn it!

He's coming over here, he's sticking his head into my frenetic life, he's trying to get involved, he's going to have to play this game by my rules. Unfortunately, at this point, I think we're both playing two completely different games.

That's not going to work.
Here, let me quote from his LJ and you'll see what I mean:


"She wants relief and love.

I guarantee that second part regardless of anything else that happens. The first part is totally dependent on how each of us takes the trip. If I continue to treat it as something to be scripted, it will wind up being uncomfortable and stiff. If she continues to treat it as something that we're doing just for my benefit and not for hers, she will pull up her defenses and hide herself behind a mask in order not to disappoint me with the truth, even though that's what I really want to hear.

I want closeness, contact, openness, and love.


Well, I hate to burst the assumption-bubble, but I think what I really want here is just friendship.
I'm not comfortable with physical closeness and contact, and I have a very bad feeling that his sort of love isn't strictly platonic and universal like mine is.
I'm afraid he wants a 'relationship.'

Call me immature, call me childish, call me stupid, call me dumb, but I don't want a relationship. I don't want romantics, and I don't want some crazy-committed relationship with another person. Honestly.
I'm busy enough with life. I don't need a relationship bogging me down like that. I'm committed to my life mission, and that's all I have time for. I don't have time to fluster and fawn over some kid in my spare time, thank you very much.
Plus my life is already dedicated to God, which means I'm a vowed celibate. Like a nun, but without the habit, haha. And yes, Rosette Christopher is still a heroine of mine!

Honestly, though... the typical human relationship is purely primal. I happen to have a joint fear/loathing of all things primal, instinctive, or animal-like.
A typical relationship forms on physical/attribute attraction, and is formed for the hideously base reason of 'finding a mate' for the purpose of procreation and species continuity. Well, all you humans can go out and do that junk if you want, but I'll be busying myself with a better sort of life.

I don't form typical relationships at all. I'm sure you're all laughably aware of my 'headgang' by now, correct? All those humanoids and aliens and weirdoes? Well. Not a single one of those relationships was formed for the above reasons, and to be frank, if anyone told me that I could pick one of them to pursue a 'romantic' relationship with, I'd simply say "nobody." I don't care about that fish. I'm not interested, and besides, that sort of involvement would completely murder the friendly relationship I had with said person.



Totally random... I'm afraid I'm getting somewhat too far into this pain addiction of mine.
Honest, I keep wearing collars and all. Now, I hate being tied up as I'm a paranoid psycho and panic at the drop of a hat, but I'm practically a masochist (minus the sexual junk) already which isn't good but that would explain this.
Huh. Well, although I have an unfortunately fierce personality inside, I'm far too submissive to Laurie and her vicious antics, so to speak. If I ever told her that she'd bury a meat cleaver in my skull, haha. Thank God she's not physical outside of my own body, or I'd have died several years ago.. Severe physical trauma and massive hemoragghing, except I'd have felt it as much more than a nervous shock and I'd have an actual physical axe slammed into my spine.



Anyway.


Now, Q wants me to "stand up" and "be myself." He wants me to be "open."

You want a look inside this manic and battered mind? You want me to take off this mask and show you the countless faces I wear underneath? You want me to be honest and open and tell you exactly what I want, not what you want?

Seriously though. If I ever was as honest and open with him as he wants me to be-- if I ever did take off all my masks and was just myself-- well, then, he would have a real problem.
The real me is often disconnected and distant. I know what I have to do in life and I can't let anyone or anything tie me down. The real me is often frantic and fiery and always has a chest full of puppetstrings.
The real me is Jewel Lightraye, and Jewel Lightraye is a bloody maniac.

Do you want to see the real me?
Be careful what you wish for.

Do you want to talk to Laurie?
Do you want to see my mind snap?
Do you want to feel the maddening distance?
Do you want to know what goes on in my mind?
Do you really want to know just how terrifyingly screwed up I am?

Yes?
No?

Be careful what you ask.

I'm not always the quiet, smiling, shy, calm, oh-so-nice lass you seem to think I am.
I'm quiet when I'm thinking. I smile when I need to. I'm very rarely calm, if at all, no matter how I look. I'm nice, sure, but that's only one facet of this frantic jewel.

I'm also a seething madman with a rabid id, a psychotic superego, and a rather unnerving case of MPD as a result.
I also have a mind full of blood and knives and teeth and shadows that move and nightmares.
I scare myself to death on a daily basis, practically.



Do you have any idea how much I'm hiding from the world?
Do you have any idea how much of me you don't know?
Do you have any idea how much of me you will never know?
Do you have any idea who I am at all?


"We both need to stand down and lower our defenses, we both need to let go of the instinct to hide from each other, and we both need to let ourselves be as comfortable with each other's presence as we are with each other's voice and typing."

When the hell was I ever comfortable with your voice? When was I ever comfortable with your words?
I'm freaking terrified of MYSELF. I'm not going to be comfortable with anyone else.
Why do you think I take so long to read and reply to your notes? Your journal entries? Your comments? What do you think when I don't, that I'm busy?
Why else do you think I have 8 online journals? For fun? As a cute little quirk? No. I'm hiding these thoughts-- it's just that you keep finding the darn things. I don't expect you to read this anytime soon.
Why else do you think I've been missing so many Skype conversations? It's on purpose, damn it! I need some freaking freedom here, some distance, some disconnection... having to talk to you for hours twice a week begins to burn my mind rather quickly. I can't have so much connection at once.
You want connections, connections, connections... and meanwhile I'm just glad that I only have one puppetstring per soul.
Meanwhile I'm looking for escape routes.

I'm absolutely terrified.
Stand down? Defenses down?
Do you have any idea why they're even up?

There was a joke I heard a few years ago.
"Am I on heavy drugs, or should I be?"
Take a look at me.
I have the exact sort of bizarre personality to get hooked on drugs if I wasn't so damn terrified of my mind.
I will never drink, I will never do drugs, I will never do anything mind-altering because my mind is a madman and I am literally scared to death of it.
I am scared of my own head.
If it ever became intoxicated or altered to the point where I had diminished, little, or no control over it... God help me. I have no idea what would happen, and I'm scared to think about it.

I am an empath.
Extreme empaths are the most frightening and dangerous people on the entire planet.
Do you know why?
An empath can sympathize and feel the pain of virtually anyone... an empath can put their own souls in the place of another and understand their situation to the point where they make it their own.
An empath can sympathize with the amount of good in a person, no matter how bad the person may be... but the most dangerous and most powerful empaths look at everything and still try to find power to empathize. An extreme empath will look at a serial killer, see the potential for good that he has, understand the evils he has done, and will try to understand his motivations and his past and his present and his thoughts and exactly what makes this guy tick... and once they do, once they understand this soul to the best of their ability, then they can truly empathize... because they have truly been in this man's shoes.
Those empaths are dangerous because their potential for evil is just as strong as their potential for good.
They usually live good lives, righteous lives... but they understand the wrong, and it drives them mad, and they have to be extremely careful lest it get the best of them.


"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster,
And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."


Friedrich Nietzsche spoke terribly true.


I am scared to death of my darker potential.
I am scared to death of the other side of me.
I am scared to death of what my shadow can do.
I am scared to death of the monster that has been born in my mind.
I am scared to death because I have felt the eyes of the abyss burning in my mind even as my eyes burned into its own.

I am scared to death of myself.
I don't know what to do.


I pray. I try to live my best, but life is hard.
I need to follow Justice's example and try a heck of a lot harder...


It's partly to protect you, yes, that I stay so disconnected.
The other part is personal preference.

Deadly mix.


Anyhow. We're off topic.


I can be blunt and somewhat nasty and vicious if I try... It's cruelly easy. I just let go and let Laurie's influence work.

But I feel so selfish.
It's not me.

I'm afraid this is going to sting like acid on a bullet wound.
I'm afraid this is going to shake you and scare you and worry you.

But most of all
I'm afraid that you're just going to smile
And tell me that 'you love me'
And say that it doesn't matter
And say that you are going to try to change me
So everything works all fine and dandy.


Let me tell you something.
I have tried to change people.
It can happen, sure.
But sometimes people don't want to change.
Sometimes, if you change people, you don't change them for the better...
...you destroy who they are.

Some people just want to be a certain way.
And even if they don't want to be that way
Some people cannot be changed the way you want them to be
Because what you're trying to change is too deep to alter without catastrophic results.

I'm afraid I may be one of those people.


It scares me when people say 'they'll love me no matter what.'
You're not the only one to say that.

And it scares me because then I know
That no matter how many demons try to eat me alive
No matter how many shadows stare into my soul
No matter how many monsters take up residence in my mind
No matter how many faults I have
You'll just smile and say 'I love you anyway'
You'll look past the pain
You'll look past the tears
You'll look past the scars
You'll look past the madness
And you'll ignore every fault
Because 'you love me for me'
Nothing will ever change that, you say


And I can only stand here in shock
Furious and hurt and broken and terrified
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Can't you see how badly I'm suffering?
Can't you see how badly I need someone to acknowledge this?
I just need someone to tell me that yes, I am crazy
To tell me that yes, I am broken
To tell me that yes, I am losing my mind
To tell me that yes, I am a maniac
And then actually do something about it
I need someone to acknowledge the fact that I am a monster
Tell me that I do have faults
Tell me that I do make mistakes
Tell me that I do need to improve
I need someone to tell me that I'm seriously screwing up my life
And then help me to fix it
Without the slightest bit of sugarcoating
And not try to murder what is still a part of me

That's why you and I cannot work as you want us to.



I like what I have.
I'm happy with what I have.

I just don't know if anyone else is.



We were good as close friends.
And yes, I love you.
But now I'm starting to feel smothered.
Now I'm running for the back exit.

But how am I supposed to tell you that without breaking you?

I get massively severe guilt trips, and I'd never forgive myself for giving you that much pain. I'd do the same with anyone else, honest.

Huh.

I guess the only thing I can do is hope you don't find this for a long time.






When the joker tried to tell me
I could cut it in this rube town
When he tried to hang that sign on me
I said 'Take it down'
When the dawn patrol got to tell you twice
They're gonna do it with a shotgun
Yes, I'm cashing in this ten-cent life
For another one


Well, I ain't got the heart
To lose another fight
So until my ship comes in
I'll live night by night


Well, I don't really care
If it's wrong or if it's right
But until my ship comes in
I'll live night by night    

 


SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (SPINNY)




I had a really bad day- Can't you listen
Everybody's on drugs- but mine won't kick in!
Everyone's mad, dumb or wicked
Mrs. O please help, don't go!

Hello operator- Please connect me
To the human race- I'm disconnected!
I don't wanna hang up- Can't you help me
Mrs. O?
 

I'm on the phone.
I'm connected.
Technically.
But...
I feel... so disconnected.
 
I feel as if... I'm not getting through.
 
But wait, here's a signal!
What's this, a satellite?
 
Some words got through the static...
Some feelings got across the thousand miles.
 
Some good ones
Some bad ones
 
 
"I'm not a figment, for the love of God!! I'm real!!"
 
 
There's so much love going around here.
I'm such a weirdo.
And I'm a robot, Ima Robot!
Kiss me goodbye because the doctors are coming...!
 
Maybe it's because I didn't eat much today?
Couldn't stomach it for whatever reason?
Maybe it's because of the addiction that is the enter key
Or Bruce Hunter
The best thing since toast
Or maybe it's my mind's desperate attempt to offset the pain?
 
 
"Am I really... your number one?"
 
 
God, how did I get myself into this?
How did I get myself into this?
How did I get myself into this mess?
 
How did I...
 
I shouldn't be talking here.
Maybe I'll hide this
Maybe I'll mark it "mature"
(I'd have to let Laurie in here first, though)
Maybe I'll turn all the text black!
Leave a huge hole on my page
Where there should be PAIN.
 
 
Polyamory is nice when you're asexual
But ONLY if the ones you love accept it, goshdarnit all!
 
I'm having problems, damn it.
This should not happen... should it?
Obstacles?
Traps?

Pitfalls?

Cliffs?
Firing squads?
And all metaphorical! Would you look at that.
 
I was shot at by a firing squad once, you know.
Really, I was! In a dream!
I was helping all these poor innocent citizens hide from a terrorist attack and I DID but they caught me instead, and the guy brought me down to camp and they put me up against a wall and they literally turned a freaking firing squad on me.
Psalm 23 started running through my head then, which was really amazing and scary because I don't know anything past the first two lines offhand.
The Lord is my shepherd...
They fired, you know. Thank God I woke up, eh?
 
 
hmm
 
 
All right, let's calm down.
*pokes Delphi with a fork*
Happy Father's day, you screwball.
 
This was supposed to be a new beginning
What the hell happened?
 
 
I'm honestly not sure if I want this entry public...
I'm more scared of people seeing my mind when it's unhinged
Coincidentally
My mind happens to be unhinged right now.
 
But Selph is right here next to me
As usual
He's trying to act and look okay
And says he is
But I know him too well.
I know what happened earlier.
Right, darling?
 
And Chaos is still sobbing.
I wish I didn't have to put him through this.
But is it my fault?
Yes.
This is entirely of my own doing.
And I should be the one protecting him
And he should be the one comforting me
Or is it the other way around?
 
 
Dear God, how did I get myself into this?
 
 
Jewel Lightraye is still afraid to say stuff.
To whom?
To everyone.
Name a name and bingo, you've got it down
I'm afraid to say these things to anyone
Or am I?
Yes I am
It's just that sometimes I ignore the fear
Or pretend it's better this way
And maybe it is
But Vezerai isn't getting any saner
And there are still monsters in my closet
And loopholes under my pillow
And cracks in my heart
 
 
What is love?
 
Not the song
Not the fad
Not anything you would think.
And why?
Because nobody freaking knows.
Nobody knows what it is, really
I think it's better that way
I like when you can't explain things once in a while
Scary but nice
Like the Jewel Monster of Truth
How fitting is that?
 
 
Guardian angel
God of destruction
Somebody that I love
Why the heck do I always bring him up
Is that a problem?
No
But I guess it's just odd
For others, you know
And it eats at the back of my mind
So I tend to talk about him a lot
To explain things
To justify things.
You love him to death, damn it.
That is true.
You would die for that monster.
I'd die for anyone.
Would you?
Yes.
Martyr. Hypocrite. Liar.
I am not.
Really.
Of course.
Would you die for a mass murderer?
Mmmmmyes. He still has some good in him somewhere. Maybe he'll realize it. There's hope.
You hesitated, you sophist.
I'm human. I'm not perfect.
You calling Qlok a liar?
No. I'm just saying he doesn't know the whole truth here.
So you don't believe him?
Not... not entirely. I see where he gets the point. I try to live life in a way that would emulate an ideal, a perfect lifestyle. But I screw up a lot, and sometimes my mind just loses it and I'm totally disconnected.
Robot.
Ima Robot.
Monument to the Masses.
Are we speaking in titles or metaphors?
Whatever the hell you want to interpret it as.
Oh. All right. I only have 5 minutes and then I have to sleep.
Three.
Two.
Whatever.
Why are you so angry today?
Gee, I don't know. I'm just a figment.
Stop it with the sarcasm, please. I don't like sarcasm.
You don't like very bloody much, do you Jewel?
You know that's not true.
Do I now?
Yes.
Tell me.
You know it's impossible for me to hate. It's against my nature.
Is it, miss SACRiFiCE?
Why do you keep asking me?
Well, maybe I'll hit a snag. Maybe I'll catch you reciting an automatic delusion that you've accepted as true. Then you'll be caught, you sonofabitch.
Stop swearing, for heaven's sakes! Why are you so freaking angry tonight?
I'm furious because you keep lying.
Wait-- lying? I don't lie unless I'm unaware of the truth.
See, there's another problem! You and your dear little muse, you're always preaching "Know thyself!" "Know thyself!!" and do you ever? Arrogant charlatan. You don't know a thing about yourself. You're a pompous hypocrite and you're keeping Qlok deluded on purpose.
Wait wait wait. What?
Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all, Isn't that what your friend Justice sings? You know I'm right.
I... you're right. I'm at a total loss. I'm really not sure of me, other than the fact that I'm Jewel Lightraye.
Is that a fact?
Yes. I'm out of my mind, that's normal. I always was. I guess people just thought 'Jessica' was saner than I am or something.
She was a devil and she was worse than you are.
Stop with the insults, Laurie. Right now.
It's 3:06 AM, you liar.
...Oh. You're right. But I still want to know why you said what you said earlier.
What?
About my alleged "deluding Qlok on purpose."
Oh you know that's what you're doing! You don't pick favorites, damn it. You don't love anyone more or less. That's where all your bloody guilt trips come from, you idiot! You picked five people to get something really special, so you say, and what do you do when they start doubting it? When it all comes down to "honey, either you pick me or I'm outta here?" What the hell are you going to do when they start doubting you? Huh? You don't play favorites, you disconnected jerk! Get a freaking head on your shoulders! Can't you see a thing when you look in a mirror? Huh? Ever since Natalie died you've been seriously screwed up, girl! Who's next? Me or Julie? Who'll be the next one on your shitlist? Who's head is going to roll first? Kill us both, go right the hell ahead! You remember Ardon and Isabelle, how she refused to accept her shadow because she didn't want that darkness becoming a real part of her? Well, damn it, I'm that darkness! You want to be me? Fine! You want to be Julie? Go right ahead! You kill us like you did the other three and we're going to go straight into that bloody head of yours and we are going to seriously screw up some shit. You're not going to be Jewel Lightraye anymore. Jewel Lightraye doesn't HAVE a damn shadow, you idiot!! Open your eyes!!
...Wow.
Wow what? You shocked? Didn't think the axe-girl had that much talk in her, eh? Well think again, girl. I'm not going to let this go anymore when both my life and yours are on the line. I still care, shadow bitch or not. I still have a responsibility.
And what is that?
To keep you from becoming me.
Ah...
You gonna get some sleep now?
Um... oh geez, yeah. It's 3:18 in the morning.
What're you gonna do if you find Bruce?
Uh... say hello, I guess, and talk to him for a bit about the iMAGNi and stuff. And give him a crazy superfan hug if he'll let me. Because I'm a spaz like that.
Yes you are. Now go to bed.
All right. Good night, Laurie.
Oh, no no no, girl. I'm staying up and I'm fighting with Julie.
Please do it somewhere where I can't hear, all right?
Course I will. I have to. Julie's in severe suppression right now. You just might annihilate her if you keep this up.
Eh, I don't think so. I'm still a freaking human, which means she's going to live no matter what we do.
And me?
Geez, Laur, I like you too much to get rid of you.
Awww. How sweet. Now get to freakin' bed.
Will do.

 
 

Current Location: someplace very sad and quiet
Current Mood: ...
Current Music: Dreams Dreams: Broken Soul Remix (Jewel L.)

 

GEEZ! What a day I've had, kids.
Lonely and confused lass icon because that is how I feel. Indeed.

Quick rundown.
Got up around 7:30 so I could get to church for 8:30 Unfortunately, my mum and brothers wanted to go too, and we only have one car. So I had to wait for them... and we ended up 10 minutes late. WHAT. That is not nice.

Second point. Got Neldoreth up to level 40, finally! I haven't played my DS since October 13th. I kid you not.
I love Neldy, though. He's so crazy awesome. *hug*

Third point. Was inspired by my darling muse (who I love immensely) to remix "Dreams Dreams" in a minor key... oh yes, no one has attempted that yet!... and completely re-write the lyrics to fit the two of us. You heard me.
I spent half of my entire freaking day writing it all, and the finished product is about 5:30 and freaking GORGEOUS.
I will link it for you dudes once it's posted on the semi-official NiD website. Yes I will.

Fourth point. The other half of my day was eaten by Sigmund Freud and William Golding.
See, I got them both tickets to Cinemark and some fancy restaurants, but there's nothing good playing and Freud doesn't like eating out, so they crashed at my house all day and wouldn't stop bugging me. Eh. I'll have to finish this report tonight (read: this morning) so they leave me be. Leave my brain alone. I am a slave to no id!
...
*makes sure Rev. Meat isn't anywhere around*

Fifth point! Um... Johnny. Johnny C. Because I can.
You know, I really need to draw him... oh! Point six! Point six!

Point six is the fact that I'm still in the middle of coloring Swatch and Psyche, the scanner won't work so I can't post Selph's birthday art on dA yet, I need to finish drawing Eclipse, Corona, Millie, Mandy, Cinnamon, and Adrenaline for references and soon, and I need to draw a full and correct reference of myself for anyone that needs it, mainly Jester, Qlok, and Jimmy. Oh yes and LAD. Geez why do people want to draw me? It's uncanny.

Seventh point is that I turn eighteen on Wednesday (TWO FREAKING DAYS WHAT) and I am nervous out of my fishing mind. Honest.
You know what my mum is like; I'm afraid she's actually going to try throwing me out of the house. I already had to get another job to pay for college, and might end up with a third soon, but... eh.... I'm also worried because I have to hire a copyright lawyer for all my series, especially the one that's celebrating it's 10th anniversary on Wednesday too (happy anniversary guys) and that I am 6 years behind on typing notes. Darn it all.

Eighth point is that I am stressed out of my mind with not just work and all that but also my size. I'm not fat or anything, but huge amounts of stress plus lack of sleep plus the insane diet this family insists on following equals not very good health and a larger waistline than I like. It's... girly. Euughh. Plus I'm always working so I have to literally force my exercise into my schedule, and darn straight I make sure I do. I went out on the porch at 11:30 PM last night to use the elliptical for 45 minutes. To heck with the time, it's almost 4AM now.

Ninth point... hey, that's a lot of points. Regardless, point number nine (not the Beatles song) is related to the above point and is the fact that I desperately need to try and 1) get in shape, 2) get some more self-confidence, and 3) all in all fix myself because I've really screwed myself up.
Oh yeah and I also have severe SAD, or so mum says, so I'd better fix that too. Seriously, we went to a bridal shower on Saturday and I was deathly sick from the time I got out of the car to the time I got back in the darn thing. I just feel like a total reject... a nuisance, an unwanted intruder. I don't fit in, and I'm not just saying that to be 'cool' or 'unique' or anything. I'm a freaking screwup failure anomaly and life's not very easy because of it. Plus I'm a polyamorous asexual celibate xenophile so girls get all "wtf" around me because I'm so damn odd and am literally scared to death of anything and everything sexual and also am creeped the heck out by guys and babies. CREEPED. Oh yeah and girls too. They scare me, badly.
Stereotype-matchers creep me out the most, though. I try not to ever judge, EVER, for any reason, but if I do happen to notice a girl who's living up to the terrible talk... you know, all flippy and spazzy and silly and boy-crazy, I will avoid such a person like the plague. Such people scare me! Ditto that fact with girl-crazy, overly buff, sporty and all that guys. I don't even know. Regardless I'm just not comfortable around young adults... heck, I'm not comfortable around anything with a reproductive system. Eh. Oh, funny story with that, actually. Give me a sec, I'm just going to say the main reason why the bridal shower got me sick. Reason number one-- it's a wedding. Geez! Now I'm all for people who love each other being together and all that, but... the whole 'side effects' of getting married, you know, with living together and having kids... NO THANK YOU. I'm literally getting shivers just thinking about it. But yeah, about the kids. Now, I'm pretty much okay with kids from age 7 on up, because any earlier than that and they have no personality, really... no self, no conscience, no mind. They're not mature, which gets me nervous. My mind never freaking stops, so if I have to deal with something that does not think about such things, I get really uneasy. You know what I mean about the kids, right? Oh but infants are even worse. They... squirm. Eeeech. And they babble and everything. It... it just gets me all freaked out. Maybe I'm just mental. Geez. By the way I'm sorry Johnny because I know you think babies are cute, and maybe they are, but then again I'm also the sort of person who thought cobras were cute when I was in kindergarten. I swear. Nothing wrong with babies, no, but they're not for me. No sir.
All right and now for that funny story. ...Well, maybe it's not funny, but I just find it amusing. You see, my Theology class just switched the class focus to marriage WTF that is NOT NICE. So he's asking all these questions about typical teenage relationships and sex and all that junk and I'm just sitting there watching the clock and thinking "good heavens if he calls on me I'm either going to explode or go into an all-out asexual rant and probably get thrown into an asylum. just you watch" but I kept falling asleep thank God so it didn't happen and I didn't hear. Joy! But yes, apparently he was going to give us a QUIZ on the dreaded three-letter word of death but I took the day off sick (all-nighter, remember?) and by golly I think I'm going to take today off too. To heck with school it's a day E and I don't have Physics or Psychology anyway. Plus I need to get Freud to bug off so I'll go back when he goes back. Besides it's already 4:11 and I want to finish my rant so I can finish my term paper. So yes! Asexual ranting. I really am going to do it. Here and in Philosophy class. I got really really lovely close in Philosophy, but she didn't push the subject which got me upset. Dangit I wish to rant about my freakish mind please.
So by the way. About relationships. Being asexual and all, I am thank-God-scott-free from physical longing like that and also physical attraction and the need to go on dates and wear perfume and makeup and pink and talk on cell phones, which is stupid anyway. Yeah. Don't do any of it, darn straight. However since I am a polyamorous xenophile I 1) love the world, 2) have many many many inhuman friends who are awesome, 3) have 5 loves and 4) two of them aren't human! Yes yes yes, Chaos Zero and Selph. Dear heavens I love them so much. Honestly. To the point where I would die for them. It's a beautiful feeling to have. Oh yeah and even better is the fact that both of them are completely sexless, which is awesome times twentysix. So I can do stuff with them that I can't do with anybody else! Yeah! That and I talk to Selph about absolutely freaking everything, even moreso than Chaos because Selph virtually lives with me and also I had to teach him, literally, everything I knew about life on earth when he first came here back in 2005. So we have a very very very close connection. Hence the song I spent all day writing. You'll see when I post the lyrics and/or sing them. Honest.
But enough of that, on to point number 10!

Point 10 and the final point happens to be Monday, which happens to be today, which happens to be my Skype day, which happens to mean I get to talk to Qlok. It's kind of odd, being friends with him, because he's an actual physical human guy of this reality and normally I would not be comfortable with that, but hey. He's a nice kid.
See this is why I'm so fantastically happy that I can rant here and not on LJ. Gosh I am being such a spaz right now. Hm. I blame Golding. And the sugar. And the fatigue. And the nervous holy fishness that comes with Mondays and school mornings and chest pains and head congestion and shaky hands and music on my mind and my muse rubbing his eyes because he's tired and lots of work to do and typing at 4:22 AM. YES!
But yeah back to Qlok. I'm very worried about his opinion of me. I know he worries about me, but I'm such a freaking headcase and emotional wreck and anomalous human type person that I am seriously thinking that, whatever I am and whatever I'm not, at least in his opinion, I'm not good for him or anyone. Honest. I think I'm a very bad thing for him to have in his life... even though I try my freaking hardest to be a good person I'm just not there yet and the world gives me funny looks and I don't work with society's gameplan because God decided to build me differently and I just feel broken. And gosh I'm losing my vocabulary hang on what vocabulary I keep saying oh yeah but indeed fantastic freaking awesome fish what over and over. Geez. That too. But regardless, Qlok really does deserve someone else as a friend... at least someone who's a lot more stable, a lot nicer looking, a lot kinder, a lot less weird and scared and freakish and mental. Someone with a nice smile and a kind family, maybe with a pet dog or something, who comes from a small town and gets along with all the neighbors and likes the color blue and knows how to sing. Oh yeah and has a baby brother and gets good grades and is on the soccer team and can drive around town without having fits of mental narcolepsy or whatever in heaven's name this junk is. Someone with light brown hair and green eyes and maybe a couple freckles (gosh that does sound cute) who's not a prom queen or anything but is still terribly pretty and doesn't have braces and will never need 'em and is tall and sweet and upbeat and optimistic and a true friend for life who always takes the time to talk to you when you're down and dear God in heaven I'm crying. I'm literally crying.

What the fish. What the unholy freaking fish. Honestly.
Why the hell do I care about this?
Stop being so selfish. Stop. This has nothing to do with you.

Even so, I'm none of those things... except for the tall part and the bit about not being a prom queen... but that doesn't matter. He's too good a person to deserve as bad a person as me. Everyone is.
I just... well, I deserve to be alone, like I've always been, and I want to be. I like it this way, to be honest. Saves people, too.

I'm very unstable, would never place first in a beauty contest, am too freaking anxious to help when I want to sometimes (and then beat myself up for it), am terribly weird and cripplingly scared and ridiculously mental. My smiles are sad and my family is explosive, my dog died and I had no neighbors up until 2005 or so and I love the color red even though I'm quiet around people because I'm scared of them and I can't hit high notes because I'm nowhere near a soprano. My brother is 16 and had to go to a mental hospital for possible suicidal tendencies and my grades are dropping because my mind won't stay focused on non-worry and I can't play soccer because of my bad joints and bad back and frequently lose awareness when I'm behind the wheel even though I don't drink and never will. My hair is dark brown and my eyes are dark brown and don't look up as much as they used to and I don't have a single freckle (and I'm not cute in any sense of the word) and I was never popular or well-known and I'm not very pretty, remember and I had braces in my freshman year and I'm still a shrimp compared to most people I see and I always feel like a hypocrite when I'm all smiles and I'm only upbeat when I'm in a panicked headrun kind of like right now and I used to be an optimist geez I miss those days and I keep losing the only friends I ever had even though it's not entirely my fault, at least I hope not and I can't even think of the words to say even though I'm dying and everyones's always so upset because of me and what I've become and I'm so sorry...

 

 

 

 

Streetlights.
One thirty in the morning...
...I closed my tired eyes to the light and music and let my heart go.
 
I was back underneath the orange light.
Oh how much I'd like to be.

Alone... or with you...
"Hey, how's everything, Jewel?"
Looking up. Green eyes, the color of dusty emeralds in the artificial light.

"Oh... hi, Chaos." I smiled.

His arm around my shoulders, friendly, comforting, worried. Pulling me closer. "It's late, you know."

"It's early."

"That, too!" He laughed then, completely happy for a fleeting moment. My own smile returned. It was nice to see him like that.

...He must have caught my musing, as the laughter stopped and I found myself with a blue hand on each shoulder. 

"You all right?" Concerned, deeply concerned. I could see the worry in his ancient eyes. How I can stare into those galaxies without blinking I'll never know.

"Eh... I'm all right." Sorrow behind a smile again. "Just tired again, that's all." 

"Hm," the being before me considered, looking up slightly. A star caught in the green. "Yeah, I guess you would be. You’re always up so late…”

I hesitated, looking back down for a second, before my eyes were carried to greater heights as well.
Stars...

I felt my heart surge with a good sort of pain. Was it? I wasn't sure.

But the lights... brilliant little pinpoints, scattered throughout the heavens like a handful of tiny crystals. As if God had decided to empty a tiny box of beauty all over the celestial floor.

Like glass shards in a cathedral.

I flinched. I could still feel Selph's soul in mine, from that one morning... what mornings we had...!

But it hurt. 
And that wasn't the only reason why.

Such bloodied hands... all because of me... because of this...
Suddenly I found myself in alien arms once again. I blinked, shocked. Phased back to reality. "Chaos?"

"You're going to freeze to death out here, Jewel." Not letting go. Still holding me close for dear life.

"It's a warm night out, hon. I'm not going to freeze."

"Sure you will. Especially when you're already feeling tired and cold on the inside..." 
Chaos pulled away slightly, holding me a few inches away. "Why are you still so lonely?”
I closed my eyes against the pain, the reasonless guilt. Media Player was skipping.

I phased out and switched the tune to Space Trip Steps for a second.

Tensed as the echoes sent a chill down my spine. When was the last time I had heard this...

...

Am I going to feel guilty for every emotion I feel now?
Just because I want to look down on that lonely planet with him again... so high above it all. Up in the stars.

Chaos Zero and Jewel Lightraye.

Is that so wrong?
I let the streetlights come back and found my alien staring at me in shock.

"Jewel, what's going on? Are you sure you're all right?"

Tired, exhausted. I looked back up into his eyes. "No. I'm tired and it hurts. In here." My hand moved to my chest.  

Chaos moved his hands from my shoulders to my face, gently, so I wouldn't look down again. I was doing that far too often. "That's because you're terribly tired and need some sleep, okay? Just go to sleep, all right? Everything will be fine." His voice was compassionate, quiet. Not the sort of voice you’d expect from a monster at all.

I sighed and put my hands on his. It was so strange, to be out here like this, at this hour, talking about this. Maybe.

But then again I've been doing that quite a lot lately.

"...I love you, Chaos..." my own quiet voice confessed over the silent melody. The song of the streetlights.

Something flickered. Maybe a tear, I couldn't be sure. My eyes were on that ruby I had given him. That hurt, too.

"I love you too, Jewel." Suddenly I was looking into the green again. He really was crying, I realized. 

Are you in the same situation as me? 

"Now get to sleep, all right? We're all telling you that." He managed a smile, but the pain came through too clearly. Another lightning bolt through my chest. Everything...

"All right," my voice was barely audible by this point. I really was tired. I really did hurt.

But I didn't want to go to sleep, not if it meant I had to leave this... if it meant I had to wake up to tomorrow, to the weekend.

Then again... if Saturday morning didn't end, I would never see another night like this…
Sighing, I closed my eyes and lowered my head. Fatigue was setting in for real now. I ached all over.

Chaos had his arm around my shoulders again. Did he feel alone? Did he feel happy?

I had that answer in a second as he smiled, holding me close again. But I already knew what he would say.

"I'm happy as long as you're happy, Jewel. Don't ever think I'm jealous. All right?"

Back to smiling at me. How could he be a lover, a benefactor, and a guardian angel at the same time...?

My mind was seriously messed up.

Chaos laughed. "So's mine," he admitted through a grin.

I couldn't help but smile back. Crazy Links... gotta love 'em. 

"Well... good night, sweetheart." Peace again. She finds me at the weirdest times.

"Good night, Jewel. Now go straight to bed." Another smile. Gosh he cares about me so much. They all do.

"I will, Chaos. Promise you I will." I replied, looking into my blue angel’s eyes. “Thank you.”

"Don't mention it," he assured me, with a final smile. There was way too much love in his eyes...

way too much what do you mean way too much like don't you deserve any of that from all of them?

...But a second later he was gone, a sudden surge of energy and ocean, of this world and the next, of chaos himself. Then I was alone.
I looked back up and smiled. Silly me, I don't know when to quit.

Saluting the sky.

"Promise you, I need my sleep," I told him if he heard. "I'll see you soon."
Phasing out.

Back with Abbey... my song still playing.
1:19... AM, maybe?

Maybe...

Darling, please stay here with me...
Promise me…no, I don't want to say goodbye tonight...
 
Under the streetlights again.
Two thirty in the morning...