prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)
2025-04-04 11:04 am

phone entries = apr 2025


041425

 
confession notes from today=

When struggling with extreme emotion/ impulsivity due to fear+panic, OFFER THAT IMMEDIATE MOMENT UP TO GOD and ASK HIM TO TURN IT INTO A PRAYER. Literally give all you've got to Him. And KEEP DOING IT. Sit in that awful emotion but GIVE IT TO GOD and don't turn away from Him. Make it your Gethsemane.

Also, do an examen at the end of each day, and when looking at events/ moments/ thoughts/ feelings/ actions/ etc., ask= did that bring me CLOSER to God? Or did it push me AWAY from God? HOW SO, in each instance? Be CLEAR and SPECIFIC.

For example, I used to fear that my eating disorder actually brought me CLOSER to God because all the pain/ fear/ suffering/ etc. DROVE ME TO FRANTIC DESPERATE PRAYER and so those hours would be spent largely hysterically praying and/or watching/ listening/ reading RELIGIOUS things. But THOSE THINGS ARE NOT "INHERENT" TO THE DISORDER.
What was actually "driving me closer to God" was SUFFERING? and CONTRITION? and the DESIRE TO STOP THE DISORDERED BEHAVIOR? because when the worldly "Jess" mindset takes over that likes to eat, SHE DOESN'T PRAY. SHE DOESN'T CARE. That's why when we're eating with the family we basically become a HEATHEN SLOB. There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE.


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042425

WHO IS MY ENEMY?
WHY DO I SEE THEM AS OPPONENTS?
HOW CAN I LOVE AND SERVE THEM?
WHAT EXCUSES AM I MAKING?


MOM
She's STILL somehow an enemy. WHY.
I hate going up her house. "Loving her" = doing work for her assumedly? But it's SO STUPID??? IT'S JUST MOVING JUNK AROUND & WASTING TIME??
How do I know that for sure? Can I "serve God not people" even in doing such pointless labor? How can I do this without feeling like I'm ENABLING bad habits like hoarding? Or is that MY EXCUSE for not wanting to be at that HOUSE?
⭐ALSO I "HATE" MY PAST & DON'T WANT TO GO BACK, I WANT TO DISOWN IT, BUT SHE (AND THAT HOUSE) "INCARNATES" IT.
Is THAT a root of the hate??

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prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)
2025-03-21 09:29 pm

phone entries = mar 2025

 
030125

BRO TYPE ABOUT THIS!!!!
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/maclaren/2_thessalonians/1.htm

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030925

Transgender "gender feeling" fallacy =
MY "DEFINITION" OF "FEMALE" IS BROKEN!!!!
I ONLY EVER "FEEL FEMALE/ LIKE A GIRL" WHEN I'M SINNING!!!
Similarly, the term "woman" is SO UGLY/ POISONOUS to me; calling myself a "woman" IS EQUAL TO SAYING "I AM A RAPIST/ ABUSER"

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031425

 TRAUMA NIGHTMARES =
ANGEL DUST AS A "PLACEHOLDER" FOR INFINITII!!!


ALL physical realities reflect deeper SPIRITUAL realities
"I don't need food" = rejecting SPIRITUAL food = GOD!!
REMEMBER THE EUCHARIST. BE CAREFUL!!
This is WHY God WON'T "erase" your hunger!! It reflects a TRUTH!

(Also BTW remember the dream around 0317(?) With Xander REDEEMED (angelic) helping me & grandpa??

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032025

Rosary visualization, unplanned =
My TRUEST INNER SELF is a HOLY CHILD about 7 YEARS OLD
And FEMALE

Jesus CAN GET ME OUT OF STAIRWELLS AND WALK THROUGH DOORS!!!

My "adult self image" CHANGES DRAMATICALLY BASED ON COLOR!!!
BROWN is TRAUMATIZED FEMALE SINNER GLUTTON.
RED is CANNON??
REDVIOLET?? is JEWEL LIGHTRAYE??
WHITE is "PRISM"?? ALSO "JAY"

CAN the Core hold OTHER colors???
Also DUOTONE!!!

BTW TILLY ACTUALLY HAS BLACK HAIR!!! SHE JUST WEARS A WHITE VEIL!!!


Today's devotional heavy hitters =
"When we love others, we are reflecting the love that God has for them. That is why it matters how we treat people. Our actions are a reflection of how God has loved us."
SO IF YOU DON'T LOVE OTHERS, YOU'RE DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU DON'T FEEL/ BELIEVE/ TRUST THAT GOD LOVES YOU.
It shows that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.

"We love God by worshiping Him and praising Him. We love others by doing good to them and sharing with them.
How are you doing at loving God and loving others? Do you spend time each day in Scripture and prayer, praising God for who He is? If we don't love God first and foremost, we won't be able to truly love other people in our lives."

God has taken away all my "opportunities for service" because I AM UNFIT. I am too vicious & scandalous yet. I need to be HEALED first. (So God PLEASE HEAL ME)

For YEARS-- literally TWO DECADES-- I've been at war with my body, with sex, and with food. The three are synonymous, effectively. It's a hell I can't seem to escape from. And yet... looking back on both the Archives and what little "blind" trauma sensory memory i have access to, I am actually currently doing BETTER than I EVER have before. That seems bizarre, as it's still a living nightmare, but it's true. I thank the Lord God Almighty on my increasingly bony knees for that. I credit His Grace entirely, and therefore for getting me into daily Bible Study and Prayer, with Mass and Adoration whenever possible. The channels are open where they weren't in the past, not even for Tilly. That has made a world of difference.

...and yet I can't seem to stop, yet. Jesus keeps saying "it's your hunger" but He won't take it away because "I need it" for higher purposes too. "Same with desire" apparently, which i hate so keenly I'd murder it in sight but I guess it's hiding in this cursed ravenous destructive impulse that hits whenever I eat more than 500 calories a day.
It's not eating so much as it's annihilation, by the way. The main point of EVERY "binge" is to DESTROY the food. "Get rid of the threat/ danger/ enemy/ evil." The ONLY reason I even binged today is because we had carrots in the house, "bravely" tried one slice, then another, and then "poison panic" hit so "now we have to eat them all and throw them up" because apparently that's how you detox so you won't die from carrot infection. It's insane.

I hope to God we can get through the next three days "green." We mark the calendar now. This month has too many red "X-es". It's disturbing & depressing.
The rule is, I'm not allowed to sleep in bed until we get three clean days in a row. I had ONE bed day last month I think. Besides that, I literally haven't slept in my own bed since like... July.
That's really sad.

Does this count as a "cross" if it's literally a vice? Aren't crosses supposed to be "for good people"? How ironic. "Grandma was a wonderful, pure woman, with a clear conscience and a solid reputation for charity and good works. THEREFORE, she was given the heavy cross of lung cancer and severe neuropathy SO THAT her suffering would UNITE HER TO CHRIST and therefore GET HER TO HEAVEN." That's how I've always understood it.
On the contrary, "Jessica is a rebellious, self-willed, bratty, brazen girl who is cruel to her brothers and disobedient to her parents. She is a master manipulator, a spiteful bully, a petty thief, and a budding sadist. She will grow up into a violent, angry, useless waste of flesh, a dishonor and disgrace to her family. She will be a perverted whore, a robber of widows, a conpulsive liar, a heartless backstabber, a lazy dirty slob, and-- most of all-- a selfish, wasteful, destructive glutton. Her daily life is defined by sin. THEREFORE, Jessica DOESN'T GET A CROSS, because she doesn't deserve to suffer for Christ. Devils like her go straight to hell. She is rejected and isolated from the Church both on earth and in heaven. She gets no part of it. Nobody wants her. Only Satan wants her, to murder her for all eternity. THEN she will suffer."
...Why is THAT how it works for me??
This daily life, this horrible eating disorder, IS ALREADY HELL AND I HATE IT. the problem? This body LIKES to have food. This body WANTS to keep eating once I start. It feels like I'm DOOMED to fail, like I'm "locked in" to this warzone. I don't want to eat. I hate it. And whenever I try, this happens. And its torture. But that's my point-- I'm already in hell, but I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. I just apparently CANNOT, and that is terrifying.
Only God can get me out of here. Why hasn't He done so yet? This is a SIN!! He cannot "want" me to stay here! So what's going on? Is it just my weakness? Is it just the fact that i "could have" been free & safe today IF I had resisted the carrot terror? Or yesterday, if "feeling safe" wasn't scarier than forcing fear & anxiety? Or the weekend, if I didn't "give in to healthy compulsions" that I was too afraid to actually eat and so ended up destroying "to be safe"? Or never saying "no" to mom forcing unhealthy and/or triggering foods on me, out of fear that in response she'll reject me at last? Or what about the countless times I buy and eat and purge in tears the foods that remind me of grandma? They won't bring me back to her. But they do give me memories I can't reach otherwise, immersive memories of being a small child, standing in her kitchen at night, with nothing else existing but home and her. I can't even FIND those memories apart from the foods they're ATTACHED to. It makes me want to weep. Those memories "aren't even mine" and yet I NEED them now more than the air I breathe, many nights.
And remember I used to do the same thing with TBAS.
I'm telling you, this grief will be the death of me.
But I don't want to die in sin, oh please God.

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032125
 
Atonement + death + resurrection + forgiveness etc. ALL CONNECTED in Christ's Passion =

"God renders them as right as Himself the moment they place trust in Christ’s death as payment for their sin. God henceforth treats them as judicially right in His eyes. They are right because God resolved His justice at the cross." & "Christians stand in Christ’s perfect righteousness before God eternally because they trust the blood of Christ to forgive them."

DO WE TRUST THIS???
IS THIS TIED TO INFI'S DEATH TOO??? IS THAT WHAT GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH US???
CAN INFI NOT RESURRECT/ CAN WE NOT BE HEALED OF TRAUMA + E.D. UNTIL WE TRUST THIS PRICE HAD BEEN PAID IN LOVE???

ALSO "“Believed” means to be persuaded of, and hence, to place confidence in. When we believe in Christ, we place confidence in or credit Jesus as the only One who can save us from our sins. We entrust our entire eternal future to Christ Jesus. He is worthy of our trust."
IS ALL MY "TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW ATONEMENT WORKS / HOW I AM FORGIVEN / THE MECHANISM OF SALVATION" ETC. ACTUALLY PREVENTING ME FROM FAITH????

Also THIS HITS SO HARD =
"Justification is different. It doesn’t say, you have done wrong, but I will try to forget it. It focuses on the wrong done, and says squarely, this was wrong. This was very wrong. It was unjust. Since justice is God’s love spread around to lots of sinners, our sin violated love. It needs to be publicly declared wrong, publicly punished, so that all will know that justice must be served for such a wrong done. Justification says, your sin was displayed publicly as worthy of condemnation and terrible punishment in Christ. When we say that we believe Christ died for our sins, we are not just forgiven, we are justified. In our conscience, as believers, we feel that we MUST say that justice has been served for our sins, because otherwise we make His terrible death on our behalf of no account.
This is the big difference between forgiveness and justification. Forgiveness leaves justice on the table, it leaves sin unpunished but unjustified. Among the brethren, we have something greater than forgiveness with one another. We have the understanding that their sin against us has been declared unjust and wrong with vengeance and violence. It has been abundantly addressed. I don’t have to think that I am just trying to forget what they have done to me or that they are trying to forget what I have done to them. Forgetting is not the issue or the power of attorney here. The blood of Jesus Christ is the power, and it is most certainly sufficient... True forgiveness on our part acknowledges that [our] justification in Christ is sufficient, and I refuse to say otherwise. Forgiveness under Christ is stronger than mere forgetfulness, it is constantly putting the sins of [both ourselves and all others] under the terrible wrath displayed publicly on the cross... it accounts for the vengeance that our soul knows must be visited upon our various sins."


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prismaticbleed: (worried)
2025-02-28 10:07 pm

phone entries = feb 2025




020325
FIGHTING OCD COMPULSIONS OF "JUST RIGHT" + "CONTAMINATION" = THE THINGS WE TOUCH FEEL "DIFFERENT" (NOT "BAD"!) BECAUSE TOUCHING THEM GIVES US THEIR POWER?
(trying to reason with the ocd paidifoni about this)

WINDOW= POWER OF OPENING TO NEWNESS
METAL= POWER OF STRENGTH,
WOOD= POWER OF GROWTH, NATURE
CLOTHES= POWER OF MODESTY

THE FEELING OF BURNING IN OUR FINGERS MEANS THERE IS POWER IN THEM TO GIVE?
GOOD IS ALWAYS MORE POWERFUL THAN EVIL!!! GOOD PURGES THE BAD OUT EVERY TIME!!

ALSO= TOUCHING RED THINGS = BLOOD = PURIFICATION

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020425

"Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.”"
How does this relate, directly, to the eating disorder?

"When our trust in God wanes, our souls can seek satisfaction in counterfeit ways... This passage in James contrasts the deceptive and fraudulent pathway of sin vs. the pure and trustworthy gifts from God. Our soul will seek satisfaction in one way or another—we can choose the allure of immediate gratification or sin, or we can trust that God is who He says He is and will do what He said He will do.
Verses 17 in The Message translation says, “There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle.” 
...You may have been let down by others—we all have at one time or another. But God is reliable—a firm foundation, strong tower, and safe refuge. His love for you is vast, His motives for you are pure, and His intentions toward you are good."

In what areas are you lacking trust in God?
SEXUALITY, more than anything, actually. 
I honestly don't know how trust plays into FOOD? Unless its similar to sex, and deals with the POISON fear???

• Is it difficult or easy for you to believe that God is trustworthy?
Easy, BUT I'm scared of "what I'm trusting Him TO DO?" Like I know He's trustworthy, BUT I'm scared that His "good things" involve hurting me?? THAT'S CHILDHOOD PARENT FEAR!!!

• Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.” Have you experienced this in your life?

"Lord, increase my discernment when sin knocks at my door, and remind me of your abundant and trustworthy path. Amen."


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021625

OUR "REAL ME" DEPENDS ON WHAT LEVEL + VIBE FREQUENCY WE'RE TUNED INTO!!!
JESSICAS ARE "ROCK BOTTOM" NO HIGHER FEELINGS / HOPES??

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021725
OUTSPACER ROSARY!!

Lynne is too hyper Because it BELONGS IN YELLOW
Jo never fit it well Because he was HALF LAVENDER

We need to TEACH the Socials INTEGRITY

YOU CANNOT "OFFER UP" OR "SIT THROUGH" SUFFERING WITHOUT A MOTIVE OF ACTUAL LOVE!!!

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022125

Laurie REJECTING / REMOVING the "blood fluster" thing imposed on her; "this isn't mine" + "we NEED daengels back" TO hold things like that so they don't get shunted onto nousfoni

Triple bloodline emphasized so much. Jess / Jewel / Jay all functioning so differently.

ALSO realizing=
JACINTH "BLOODLINE" ABUSED BY JASMINE
JEWELS ABUSED BY JULIE
JAYS ABUSED BY PLAGUE??? Guys affected differently than girls; self-destructive versus murderous respectively

Big event of today =
"Accidentally" deleted religious tumblr.
It was putting our brain RIGHT BACK INTO 2019 MODE and that was SO TERRIFYING we brought up the delete screen and didn't realize it autosaved the password. So it's gone. Six years of performance and manipulation and selfdeath, deleted. And it's very sad that THAT is how we remember that Tumblr. The religious scrupulosity was largely a facade-- Tilly was hyperfocused on sin & shame & guilt-- and all the posting served to prevent any integration or practice of said religion.
I'm glad it's gone.

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022225
Actually felt comfortable for a moment on couch.
Brief thought, "is thus what a baby feels like" in theoretical ideal? Ironically this made me feel SO SCARED & UNSAFE that I rejected the comfort and got up

SLC flashbacks. Trying to remember details but nothing.
Only realizing that we couldn't cope because we couldn't fight back yet? We needed WRECKAGE. Back then all we had was CANNON, and she IMPLODED.

JESSICAS ARENT CORES!! THEYRE DAMAGED!! THEY HOLD ALL THAT NAME CORRUPTION AND PROTECT SOMEONE DEEPER DOWN

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022325

Pray for the POWER AND EXPERIENCE OF FORGIVENESS!
ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH GRACE + PRAYER
"YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE/KNOW; YOU CANNOT EXPRESS WHAT YOU CAN'T IMAGINE"!!!

"Love is patient, kind, etc." = is yours?

Love your enemies = who do you treat with APATHY? AVOIDANCE? etc.
You may not recognize your enemy at first but they are WHOEVER YOU JUDGE & LOOK DOWN ON / CRITICIZE / CONDEMN.

At home later=
Chaos talking about what my "scent" is, like on blankets & shirts. Saying it is worth cherishing b/c I'm the only one of us with a physical existence.
Laurie called him out for potentially being "too explicit" with such talk?
"Infi could talk about this more explicitly than I ever could"
"We all know ze's coming back"
"Infi is the only person besides the good Lord Himself who can be closer to Jay than I am"

PLEASE type about 1 Thessalonians 3:5-6 realizations
5: "Small apostasies"= compromises, esp. MOM COMMENTS
6: Love+faith = REMEMBERING OTHERS KINDLY/ WELL/ WITH JOY

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022825

THE DEVIL'S TRICK IN KEEPING ME IN ADDICTION LOOPS = HE MAKES ME DO IT "FOR OTHER PEOPLE "

ALSO BTW https://biblehub.com/greek/2719.htm



prismaticbleed: (angel)
2025-02-27 06:54 pm

A prayer of worship

 
God, You are worthy of all my praise. You created everything that exists, because You desired it to be. You created me, too, willingly and particularly and lovingly. You created me to praise You-- because You created me to love You. 
God, my Creator and Redeemer and Father, please teach me & show me how to worship You in all that I do, no exceptions. Give me the grace to make every moment of my existence an act of faithful prayer and joyful sacrifice to You. I want my every breath to be an act of worship, by Your Spirit in me, in Baptismal union with Your Son. 
When I die and come home to You at last, people on earth will look back on my life, and I want them to see You in all of it-- Your love for me, and my love for You in return. I want them to give You glory-- not me. Please give me a holy death, as the beautiful result of having lived a holy life. 

God, I want to honor You with everything I am and have and do-- with every thought, idea, intention, and action. But Lord I am so weak and foolish and scared. I cannot honor You as You deserve, not on my own at least. But You can do anything. So, right now, I give You my will, however feeble and frightened-- I give You permission to change me into the saint You created me TO be. Please make my whole ramshackle life, at long last, into a life that honors You and brings You glory. You are holy and I want to be holy for Your sake, as Your child. You are eternally worthy of all my praise and adoration. God, my God, Who loves me forever, my life is entirely Yours. Please fix me. Please sanctify me. Please make me a Kingdom Priest in truth. 
Fit me for heaven, so I can praise you endlessly.

 In Jesus’ name, Amen.
prismaticbleed: (held)
2025-02-14 02:52 pm

19, 25

 
no way
no bleeding way
listen my voice mail hasn't let me use it in THREE YEARS for some inane reason
but today my phone dropped service and my case manager was upset that she couldn't contact me so I figured, better be responsible and figure this thing out.
so lo and behold I did
and
...all these voicemails are from 2021, 2020, even 2019
and

the earliest ones are little clips of grandma talking. 

I am going to sob

for a long time now I've legit been afraid that i hallucinated my entire past 
that I made her up and none of it was real
I got no closure after all, no grieving period, no proof that she had been there
my mom wiped everything off the face of the earth very fast 
that was her way of coping
but not mine
I had nothing left to reassure me of reality

Until now.

Happy Valentine's Day from God I guess 
this is so like Him I could cry from joy
who am I kidding I already am


Just a little tiny clip  
From May 22 2019
"I wanted to talk to you about... it's grandma."
her mind already going from the cancer 
but
oh I've wanted to talk to you too
about you




hearing her voice is so surreal
but so... how do I put it
it feels like coming home 

I haven't remembered what that felt like since... many months before she died
before we moved out 
before our memory shuts down 

and now suddenly the lights have come back on

This is the biggest hope for healing that we've had in so long
Thank You God


Sorry for the quick TouchPad update I'm tearing up into our busted cellphone
But I could not ignore this event
She deserves all the gratitude and honor I can give her even now
even just in little ways
because those are all I have left
just little tiny things 
and they mean the most. 
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
2025-02-09 05:56 pm

A prayer of brokenness

 
Dear Lord, I am completely broken. And yet, You not only see me in my brokenness, You meet me in it. You stand by me, You sit with me, You lie down in the humiliating dirt with me. You see and know how I am being utterly torn to shreds and beaten bloody by my merciless addictions and terrifying mental illnesses. God, help me to radically trust in Your loving nearness, even now-- this is a Cross, after all.  As Jesus carried His, help me to carry mine with Him. As Saint Paul pressed on, help me to press on in the race You have given me to run. As a good Christian Soldier, help me to fight hard in these spiritual battles You have given me to fight. I can't do any of it without You. Help me to find both my strength and my consolation in Your divine grace, knowing and trusting with my whole heart that it is, and will always be, entirely and reliably abundant to meet all my needs. Thank You that I can forever trust Your Goodness, even in the worst of circumstances. 
But dear God, sometimes I do feel hopeless.  I feel absolutely destroyed, powerless, helpless, crushed to pieces. It's excruciating, agonizing, suffocating.  I'm terrified some nights that I will be swallowed entirely by the pitch-black gulfs of anguished despair. But oh God,  I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP. You KNOW this. I don't want to to live like this anymore, God-- this walking death, this waking nightmare, this living hell!  No, I want to live in the JOY that You have actually PROMISED to me in Christ and His Spirit! 
But God, you've gotta give me the grace. I need so much help. I need You to help me shift  my focus from my current state of torment  to my real hope of salvation.  Take my attention away from my feelings of panic, terror, and choking grief, and instead reorient my mind to boldness of faith-- to the peace of Christ that transcends understanding. Redirect my vision from my torturous trials in this moment to Your ultimate triumph in eternity, which I can participate in EVEN NOW through my Baptism. Lord, only You can truly renew our mind, not only in how we behave and think, but also in WHO we are at the deepest core. Right now, our body and mind and spirit are constantly at war. It's as exhausting as it is heartbreaking. We weren't meant for this. We were made for LOVE. So please, God, we beg You-- restore us to the Truth in Your Love. Strengthen us in every battle, guide us in every decision, and remind us to keep our eyes and ears and heart and mind  focused entirely on You.  Thank You that You always hear our prayers in Christ Jesus. Thank You for loving broken things like us. We love You too. Amen.
 
prismaticbleed: (worried)
2025-01-25 10:04 pm

phone entries = jan 2025

0118 SAT
Confession after Mass
Ironic unfortunate run to DG after. Late meals = DISASTER.

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0119 SUN
Unexpected travel?
Church with mom. Decided last minute to stay after switching car; couldn't bear leaving.
So tired we sat with eyes closed. Actually made it all feel more real??

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0121 TUE
Several appointments.
Saint Ann mass! Felt SO SAFE & AT HOME. Didn't ever want to leave.
Galatians 2:16 with Jesus
ALSO Jesus in Hazbin imaginings-- talking to Lucifer & Alastor about REAL redemption/ salvation

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0122 WED
Water shutoff so stayed up until 7 and slept until 3
Bulimia becoming a COMPULSIVE ADDICTION again, very suddenly. What is the psychological root of this, ESPECIALLY since we're simultaneously SCARED TO DEATH of it?

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0125 SAT

DUDE WHAT IF WE GOT OUTSPACER JESSICAS TO GRAFT INTO THE BLOODLINE??? BECAUSE ALL THE SOMAFONI TIED TO IT ARE PROFOUNDLY UNHEALTHY IN SOME WAY, BEING BODYBASED WITH NO INTERNAL ANCHORS = NO FACE OTHER THAN THE FORM = RUINS BLEPOFONI FUNCTION AS WELL!!

SPINE IS A SKELETON SO SHE DOESN'T EAT = RESIST THE ESTHIOFONI
prismaticbleed: (held)
2024-12-20 11:47 pm

1214 - 1220 notes


1214 SAT
Anxi is capable of a loop bypass = orange level plugin + heartstar connection
this is MONUMENTAL and totally unprecedented.
also a little frightening because apparently the "color-level" thing is still legit. not surprising (we're all about color) but it means we have to dig up a lot of scary history that we tried to shove under the rug as "nonsense." when will we learn that literally nothing up here is nonsense? it all matters, it all means something
in any case there is also so much relief and joy i could cry. this is BYPASS potential. anxi could literally do what every Core has dreamed of doing and was never able to, and that is evade the hackers. god if only infi were around to know this. ...maybe this is step one in allowing hir to come back. ze can't unless it's safe. this might just be the first real light on that horizon.
still. no idea if, or how, this would apply to others, as only anxi has the plugin capacity. but it's worth thinking about.

1215 SUN
our dragon phagophoni is STILL around eating breakfast. still positive, no trauma? thank God. also no name yet
Briefly tried talking to her; at one point someone asked about her appearance being like Spine & Wreckage? draconic. and she said "Spine is my SISTER" = both are strongly tied to the body in a direct sense??
Still no sign of Spine post-CNC though. Lynne still heartbroken over this of course. But we talked about this at TBHU-- there IS hope, just like there's hope for Infi, and several others who died back then. As we heal and remember, we will need them again, and be able to sustain them again. Remember it can and has taken years for foni to resurrect before. And yet they do come back. Just hold on to hope.

Homily at mass = ALL ABOUT HOPE go figure. no such thing as a coincidence
"FIND it" and "LIVE it" = determined "search it out in the darkness" because it IS always there
really love and identify with that statement-- that hope must be FOUGHT for. it isn't passive or timid or wishful thinking. it's a battle and it's courageous and it's committed and it doesn't give up. hope DECIDES to exist, paradoxically. it sees everything allegedly opposing it and it says, so what? hope has crazy power because it is anchored into faith, meaning that it transcends the apparent and locks in to something only the heart can rightly perceive-- that the heart trusts and knows despite everything. hope is mad strong. hope is uncrushable. hope is that "thing with feathers" that never ever stops singing. hope is the soul of every core in this System.

1216 MON
religious anxiety hitting hard. thinking of anxi in relation to this = "how is she trying to protect me?"
answer from someone faceless= "I'M SCARED OF 'LOVE'" (TRAUMA) (e.g. "the q thing") (also wow to THAT being the IMMEDIATE thought when they said they were scared. why was that incident SO TERRIFYING. did we write about it? it STILL haunts us)
btw we need to talk about how violently aroace we still are. emphasis on the violence. why are we so damn aggressive about this?? it's a kneejerk response but it's frighteningly brutal. i'm sure that's protective too; it's the only time the "fight" response kicks in unfailingly.
like, if we see something "romantic" while scrolling online someone will immediately flip them off and swear at them threateningly. "that's f*cking disgusting", "f*ck off or i'll k*ll you," etc. like legit DANGEROUS RAGE. "destroy it before it destroys us" seems to be the instinct. all the alarm bells go off at once and someone apparently just picks up a missile launcher to deal with it.

1217 TUE
"Gatekeeper" girl + "Commentary" girl both very loud & active this morning
Apparently Xenophon likes salty/ sweet/ "bitey" things as far as food goes. she very much dislikes soft foods.
✱JAY IS ALIVE but the gatekeeper girl won't let him stay out because he cannot do "daily living"; he's internally anchored
^also HE "can't love Anxi?" this is upsetting but it makes sense because Jay is not straight at all and his vibe clashes with hers as well.
✱THERE IS HOPE TO LIVE, AS A SYSTEM
people HOLD energy/ inspiration/ knowledge/ motivation/ etc. If a koinofoni is feeling utterly depressed and hollow and empty, they DON'T HAVE TO BE ALONE-- they can always reach out/ call for someone who holds optimism, or even just be aware of such a person. this "greater awareness" is sometimes the only hope that our socials have, if they have it at all (some don't, which is tragic; the most unhealthy foni are the ones who think they're singlets)

"Love is VULNERABLE, ACCESSIBLE, & AVAILABLE"

1218 WED
Our "food dragon" phagofoni's name is PHAEDRA (and yes she's a basic phago; not a trogo because she's not specific? it seems she can eat multiple things & be okay with it)
The "friar" thriskefoni's name is FRANCESCO (a rare non-traumatized one! he's in the BROWN huespace probably because he's so tied to the physical act of praying; browns are very tied to the body. however he doesn't seem to be a somafoni?? he feels like he might exist in midspace. we need a proper term for these folks). He is NOT on the same level as FEILIX?? who is our "AUDIO PRAYING" guy and who is actually faceless as of yet.

1220 FRI
KOINOFONI (SOCIALS) "DON'T BELIEVE IN HEAVEN" because they have NO EXPERIENCE OF LOVE
Gatekeeper girl protesting against fronters: "THAT'S NOT YOUR JOB"

Later, while eating = Jesus cross figure always falling over
Upset me, "It feels like the slightest little things will knock you right over"
Reply "That's the same thing that happens to you"
Why does it fall? Because it's "too heavy" for the foundation. but WHY? Because the CROSS is heavy.
Jesus said "I don't hate you for falling it just breaks my heart"


prismaticbleed: (worried)
2024-08-29 09:59 pm

phone entries = aug 2024




080424
Is my destruction addiction with food an EXTERNALIZED PROJECTION of my awful rage-desire to DESTROY MY SIN & GUILT???? IS THAT WHY IT'S FOCUSED ON TRAUMA FOODS????

Abraham's cutting the animals in covenant ritual = "may this happen to me if I break it" = a WHOLE split in HALF, but UNABLE to become two separate wholes!! After the Covenant is made, splitting back apart means being CUT IN TWO, which causes DEATH.
For GOD to do this too is to imply that WE ARE PART OF HIM NOW?? and if he were to cut us off, He would somehow be split? THIS IS BECAUSE OF THE INCARNATION seeded at the beginning of time, and attested to even in Abraham.
And God WANTS THIS. He KEEPS MAKING COVENANTS with mankind, until Christ BECOMES the Covenant in Himself ETERNALLY.
⭐PAIN/ SUFFERING/ BLOOD/ SACRIFICE IS INTRINSIC TO COVENANT IN A FALLEN WORLD. The "getting back online with God" is PAINFUL as it requires "twisting back into shape" what is deformed?
Animals suffering in our place = Christ figure = meant to inspire MERCY & REPENTANCE as a FRUIT of it?? LOVE as the TRUE "CURE" for sin, baked into the ritual, prophesying CHRIST

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


080524
Cheese addiction = because eating it at upmc made iscah a GOOD GIRL

Crunchy food = VIOLENT RAGE / FRUSTRATED HELPLESS TEARS outlet, salt & sweet respectively

Spicy food = self abuse analogue (burning)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

0813
Read some of the archives from 2012, 2014, & 2017

I feel more alive & in love right now than I have in months. Maybe years.

Thank God for us

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


0829

⭐ASK "WHY AM I COMMITTING THIS SIN?"
LOOK INTO THE EXTERNAL BEHAVIORS & FIND THE ROOTS

(JAMES 4)

⭐sow a thought, reap a FEELING!! they DON'T "just happen"!!
⭐sow thought, reap a deed
sow a deed, reap a habit
sow a habit, reap a character
sow a character, reap a destiny
‼️SEVEN DEADLY THOUGHTS = sin begins in the ATTITUDE??? (MIND)



prismaticbleed: (worried)
2024-06-29 09:56 pm

phone entries = jun 2024


061024

Homily synchronicity = Mike & Vito

TERRIFIED of being TOUCHED
"There’s more than one kind of touch" = Jesus reassuring, heavy and hard contact

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

061124
Mom pickup drive
Weeping over headspace music
"I want it back"
"is God like this?"


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


061224
Christ's wounds are PART OF the GLORY of HEAVEN!!
THERE ARE HOLY SCARS IN HEAVEN, THEY ARE NOT ERASED

Pop3 38:45 = "TAMING" & REDEMPTION; RELATIONSHIP CHANGES & ENNOBLES THE SOUL = ADAM'S HOUSEHOLD AS PRIEST = ALL CREATION REDEEMED IN CHRIST = THE SHEPHERD LIFTS UP THE SHEEP
13:00 = HEAVEN & UNIQUE PRAISE

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


061824
ANXIETY!!!!!🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
Oh my gosh I AM LEGIT IN LOVE. I have got FEELINGS.

Mom shop, just watched her trying on glasses, oddly sweet to just be there with her

Last bingepurge prep. Don't want to do this.
Realizing BOTH HEADSPACE & PRAYER SHUT OFF in this food mindset. Everything feels gauzed up and dislocated.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


062124

I just realized, all this food forcing is rapist behavior.
I'm trying to force myself into the psychic experience of others without permission or consent. I'm trying to force myself into their spaces, into their likeness, trying to "enter into" their life as my own. That's invasive. That's violent. No wonder this all ends in purging.

Boundaries must be set. Identity must be clarified and guarded in CHRIST, not in culture or ethnicity or nostalgia or grief or social curiosity or the awful loneliness born from rejection. Food is not the cure. Food is not a panacea. Only the Eucharist is.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

062924

In last night nightmares, I TURNED BACK TO HELP THE PERSON I ORIGINALLY ABANDONED
I did this THREE TIMES and it SPECIFICALLY involved my thinking of CHRIST ACTING THROUGH ME, not my own actions, HE would and could save them, NOT ME


⭐WE CAN ONLY BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS, AND MANAGE OUR DAILY LIFE WITH GRACE, IF WE ARE LIVING AS A SYSTEM!!!!!!!
WE CANNOT FUNCTION AS A SINGLET. IT'S A LIE!!!!

Remembering this throughout the day EXPLAINS SO MUCH and actually makes life LIVEABLE.
We CAN and SHOULD be SWITCHING to HELP & PROTECT & HEAL EACH OTHER, as MEMBERS OF ONE WHOLE!!!!




prismaticbleed: (anx-happy)
2024-05-03 10:16 am

wof: childhood books

 

Generally I only enjoy children's fantasy, and never the traditional "wizards and elves" sort; even as a child I leaned hard towards "modern fantasy" with a fair dose of scifi mixed in, and enjoyed "creature"-oriented tales-- the more dragons, unicorns, and even aliens, the better. I admittedly was alienated myself by the typical "slice of life" books; my own life was markedly isolated, both privately & publicly, shot through with trauma and mental health issues, and I had only my own imagination to keep me company, so I could not relate whatsoever to anything BUT explicit fantasy.

So, growing up, I was profoundly influenced and inspired by several YA "fantasy" series, notably= "Young Wizards" by Diane Duane, "The Time Quintet" by Madeleine L'Engle, "Animorphs" by K.A. Applegate, and "The Seventh Tower" by Garth Nix-- as well as the standalone books "The Prince of Whales" by R.L. Fisher and "The Blue Cat of Castle Town" by Catherine Coblentz. (I mention them all in great gratitude; they are all still on my bookshelf and I plan to reread them all soon.)
Of all these, I must especially highlight the first three books of "Young Wizards" (the only ones my small school library had) which were absolutely formative for me. They deal with some very Christian themes, such as the drama of original sin & the Fall itself, the cosmic origin & unity of all creatures in The Divine Word, the sanctity of life & family, the offered hope of redemption for even the worst sinners, and the earthshaking power of sacrificial love.

For the record, I also dearly treasured the children's books "The Unicorn Who Had No Horn" by Margaret Holland, "The Baby Unicorn" by Jean & Claudio Marzollo, all the "Whisper the Winged Unicorn" stories, and every little gem I could find by Stephen Cosgrove (Serendipity, Flutterbyes, Earth Angels). You can tell what my favorite mythological creature is, I'm sure.
In general, I love children's fantasy because it seems to always have a pithy yet gentle "moral" to it. There is waiting within each tale, for those who sincerely seek, a gracious gem of virtuous wisdom, small & clear enough for a young mind to grasp and cherish, and keep close for life.



prismaticbleed: (angel)
2024-03-29 09:54 pm

phone entries = mar 2024

032324
Dream, singing about Infi

Oddly beautiful evening

Chaos 0
Little flower
Marriage reply to YT vid



032924
Finding it hard to love Jesus AS A HUMAN
"Idolizing beauty," refer to father Mike's homily

"You hid" music while praying to the dead Christ
I can only feel emotion THROUGH MUSIC?
Pray like this more often

Remember last night, in the Garden with Jesus
Remember Him saying infi "belongs to Him," as my heart

Finding it hard to thank the Lord for His deliverance because they were all so HIDDEN and SUDDEN??? And we FORGET WHAT CAME BEFORE, like waking from a nightmare. So its hard to thank God when we don't SEE the deliverance.
Reflect on this, and READ THE ARCHIVES.
Get a real grip on OUR exodus and exile, as it were, and our promised land hopes IN CHRIST.
HE'S STILL TOO ABSTRACT. WHY ISN'T HE CONCRETE TO US YET.
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2024-01-15 09:49 pm

phone entries = jan 2024




010324
Grandma dream
"Will you stay with me forever"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

011124
Siren is alive
Different from Overload. Siren doesn't ever speak. She just screams from physical distress.
Overload is more attuned to mental distress? She talks a lot
ALSO there's a DIFFERENT foni for PAIN??? Like exercise exhaustion. She is similar to Siren but their screams are very different

Weird kakofoni
"I love you" synonymous with "don't kill me"
SCREAMING

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

011224
We get so terrified by having to kneel and pray in front of the bathroom pictures for two reasons =
1 BATHROOM TRAUMA
2 KNEELING ON RICE TRAUMA!! We FORGOT how often we would be PUNISHED by being forced to do kneeling prayers in front of a holy image

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

011524
UNITY IN CHRIST DESTROYS BOTH SELF-PITY AND ONEUPMANSHIP = "YOUR PAIN IS MY PAIN"!!!
NO LONGER NEED TO "SUFFER MORE" FOR IT TO BE "VALID" = ALL THE WORST SUFFERINGS ARE YOURS IN UNITY WITH THE CHURCH = YOU ARE ALL ONE BODY IN CHRIST, WHO CARRIES EVERY MAN'S SUFFERING FOR ALL ETERNITY


⭐"brainstorm" virtue colors by SYNASTHETIC INSTINCT?


I have been created by GOD WHO IS LOVE
That has astounding implications


prismaticbleed: (angel)
2023-12-31 09:53 pm

123123




(wof post)

I must thank you most sincerely for the closing remarks concerning the distinction between feelings & facts, in regards to the Presence of the Holy Spirit in one baptized. As a confirmed Catholic who struggles with spiritual desolation &/or emotional numbness, greatly exacerbated by mental illness, I have assumed for many years that I just "didn't have the Spirit". It drove me to despair of ever being a "real Christian."
But the Sacrament is efficacious because the Spirit is promised, Present by God's loving grace and not my compromised perception. He is with me, whether I have recognized Him or not. And that is the light that went on for me, hearing this talk-- that The Holy Spirit is LOVE. Love isn't a feeling. Love is a choice, selfless & free, enabled by grace. God IS Love, and so if I can somehow love God and humankind despite getting no "happy return" on it-- then that is the Spirit glorifying Himself, and proving that He IS within me. This striking revelation that Love CAN exist even during emotional distress
God is teaching me to serve Him for His sake alone... not for the sake of feelings, not for any consolation, but for love of Him despite all anhedonic trial.
That is a true gift, a humbling privilege I must treasure now that I recognize it.
Thank you for this enlightening hope. God bless you Bishop Barron.

These few words, reassuring me that has sparked a new light in me. I am not forsaken...
As long as I can choose to love Him and humankind, I have hope. The Spirit must be present.



prismaticbleed: (angel)
2023-12-29 09:52 pm

122923

 
DREAM = MONSTRANCE RESCUE, ANGELS & SNOW FLIGHTRUN


It's a Todd Rundgren brain radio day

Stayed longer for Adoration as its Friday
Also read news with Jesus. Articles hit very hard, He wanted me to read them.
...

Planning for the Ascension Bible plan today. Trying not to obsess over it.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Books=

Passion was SAINT DISMAS and INHERENT WORTH even if we "don't or can't do anything to earn it". Dismas died on his cross, minutes later perhaps, and STILL WENT TO HEAVEN because that eternal end was based on the decision of CHRIST, in tandem with the state of his HEART.
...

abbodfer was about encouraging others and ASKING for encouragement when you get exhausted FROM BOTH GOD AND THOSE YOU LOVE

ttywpf was about "walking WITH people," not running ahead or lagging behind, specifically IN THEIR FAITH JOURNEY.

MDE1 was about the overlooked profundity of "Lord have mercy" at Mass? and "being a sponge on the ocean of mercy"

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------


prismaticbleed: (angel)
2023-12-28 09:51 pm

122823

 
So we finally joined Word on Fire and this is our bio as of today:

 

"I have been all things unholy. If God can work through me, He can work through anyone."

I am here by the grace of God, and by His grace I shall stay and continue here to the utmost of my capacity, for His Honor and Praise and Glory, all in & through His Love.

The Almighty & Merciful God dragged me, a half-dead hedonistic heretic, from a profligate pagan life of addiction & abuse, to claim me as His Own despite all the scandalized screams to the contrary.
2023 was the first year in over two decades where I wasn't living under the devil's roof. Suddenly, I'm in the arms of The Father-- me, a ghastly child, harrowed & helpless, suddenly rescued from the backrooms and now capable of hope.

I know very little about the faith, and my heart is covered with scar tissue. I live alone, and my health is overall poor-- I am technically disabled, quite uneducated, & I suffer greatly from mental illness. Yet, I have an inexplicable burning love for God and the Catholic Faith despite my numbness and confusion, a zeal that I cannot turn off or deny, and which I credit entirely to the Holy Spirit working in me despite my absolute unworthiness and ineptitude.

That is why I am here.
I have a hunger for the Lord. I cannot explain it. More than anything, I want to know and love and serve Him, and to see Him known and loved by countless joyful servants throughout the world.
If I can play a part in this effort, however small, then I beg God to equip me for it and send me where He wishes.

Jesus Christ-- God become Man to save us from eternal death and sin-- is, truly, my everything.
I thank Bishop Robert Barron for offering this gracious means for me, and so many others, to live that proclamation by our lives within this culture, and to transform it into a "new creation" in His Image-- a restoration to its original and beautiful purpose, just as He did and continues to do with me, His unworthy yet infinitely grateful servant.

“Jesus, remember me when You come into Your Kingdom.”

 

The first comment we posted on WOF, was in response to a fellow member (apparently struggling too) asking a question that cut our heart to agonized pieces=
"What if one has NOT lived out their vocation and is sort of 'broken'. Would you say it is not possible for such a person to draw persons to Christ because they are not fully alive? ...who are still 'limping and groping in the dark? Without a vocation and who have missed all the opportunities for development because they had wasted their lives in conflict with God, can they too present an affirmative orthodoxy with their broken lives? ...I am reminded of recovering persons who had inclinations to addictions... apart from liberation from addiction, what next?"

Our response:
"Martine: I am one of those people. I lost ⅔ of my life to darkness and have only recently been freed by Christ... although I am permanently scarred, crippled by my sins, and very much without direction in the world. I have no idea what my "vocation" is because I haven't LIVED yet, despite being middle aged. So what is my "affirmative orthodoxy"? My very wreck of a life is proof that the "subjectively satisfying" things of the world are hollow, my survival is proof that God cares even about me, even after everything--
and that even someone like me can recognize the truth, beauty, and goodness that Jesus Christ offers in His Incarnation. I see how the Saints have lived, their conversion stories, and I read the many stories in Scripture of sinners redeemed and lifted from their shadows to play essential parts in God's Plans.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is= my liberation is testimony, true, but as to what's next? That is in God's hands. The beautiful thing, the truly good thing, is that I HAVE a "what's next" to live now, because God set me free, and God LOVES to set people free, and if He delivered me, He will not abandon me now.
I do not know my "specific vocation". But even just daily life now, continuing the grueling battle of sobriety and recovery, clinging to faith like a ballistic shield, feels like a vocation. Maybe this IS what God wants to me to do, to glorify Him, to proclaim Him, right now, as I continue to fight the darkness with His grace, and learn to let Him slowly heal my broken places. All I can do is trust Him, love Him, and walk in His Light as He reveals it to me at last. For now, until He shows me what is next, that is my vocation.
I hope this helps."



------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS HOMILY
https://www.youtube.com/live/gAbvPTaiAL8?si=FzYEOcg0dJxVggVd

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://youtube.com/shorts/UbJoL1xkP84?si=clfpMLmAjaeGVOx_
WE ABSOLUTELY CAN TESTIFY TO THE TRUTH OF THIS
But oh man we were SHOCKED & SCARED by the vital warning that whatever you feel WHILE you make art, you INFECT OTHERS WITH THROUGH THAT ART.
...
...maybe we should delete the archives.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Universalis= 

"‘Christ is the reconciliation of our sins’ does not mean that Christ pays to a vengeful god the penalty for our sins, as it would do in pagan concepts of expiation, where evil done has to be cancelled out by evil undergone. In Hebrew thought it is always God who reconciles us, rather than we who reconcile God. In Romans 3.25 Paul uses sacrificial terminology to explain that ‘God put forward’ Jesus ‘as a reconciliation/expiation in his blood’. He explains this by saying that Jesus’ act of loving obedience to his Father annulled the disobedience of Adam. It was by the act of loving obedience that we were reconciled, rather than by the blood shed or the suffering undergone. So with the babies at Bethlehem: almost the only thing of which babies are capable is love. In considering these babies as martyrs, the Church is suggesting that in their love they offered their lives in place of the life of the baby Jesus."
1) I NEVER REALIZED THERE WAS A DISTINCTION.
...that literally redefines our entire System concept of "Retribution and Atonement." We NEVER KNEW THIS.
...
2)
3) the silent sacrificial love of the babies. That is so stunningly beautiful i could weep.
And yes, of course its sacrificial-- love always is.


prismaticbleed: (Default)
2023-12-27 09:51 pm

122723

 

Nightmares all night from stress

Exterminator visit was actually SUPER FAST & SIMPLE
Thank You God, for keeping us safe from panicking

WOF vids. Starting Ascension trial tomorrow

Randomly downloaded "Betwixt" and WOW this is actually helping???
Did first 2 dreams.
EXTREMELY STRIKING THOUGHTS.
WRITE ABOUT!!!
(most notably, when they asked "what should I call you?" that did NOT register as "what's your name?" and so the response we instinctively gave was... "hope.")

prismaticbleed: (shatter)
2023-12-26 10:57 pm

122623

 

TRAUMA NIGHTMARES. literally the worst they could possibly be.
Violent lesbian rape, forced feeding & terrified vomiting, family hatred & verbal abuse, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, and missing Mass on top of it all.
Bizarrely, at the very end, we were FINALLY leaving the family house (where ALL THAT HELL HAPPENED), and it began to snow?? And JEWEL FRONTED. She was "Sonic-skating" on the snowy road like it was a skaterail, and when she got to the crest of the hill (which is MUCH steeper & longer in dreams, like low airplane height even), Mewtwo was flying above her (below the sky ceiling, which was STILL THERE) and she asked him(!) to "fly her down" to the city, where we live? And he did, although he complained at first, but by the drop-off they were interacting clearly as good friends.
So... yeah. That extreme juxtaposition of events & moods says a LOT about our subconscious experience of both places.

Had to go to church, needed the consolation, after such a hell night
BUT THERE WAS NO CHURCH??
We decided to stay anyway, and went upstairs to pray before the Tabernacle... and ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS WERE ON IN THE DARK.
It was so stunningly beautiful it felt like a dream. Pun intended, perhaps. But that's why God brought us here, despite the nightmares, despite no Mass. This was such a profound consolation, this beauty in the dark, the Baby in the manger shining brightest of all. This was a clear, visible, tangible reminder of what Christmas was really about... and a reassurance that yes, it did apply to me, too.

Got home for 830.
Laundry day since we actually had time & we had THREE LOADS TO DO

Knock shrine online mass
Intrusive hateful thoughts (ego dystonic!!!) are SO LOUD when we watch other people??? Its SUPER DISTURBING.
We reject the thoughts actively, we refuse to entertain them, we recognize them as wrong and cruel and shockingly ugly, but THEY KEEP HAPPENING and they are INSISTENT. So its very distressing and we never know what to do. You can't really "resist them" when they're constantly shouting around your ears. We can't turn them off. But we can at least say, over and over, "no, I do not agree with that, I refuse to judge, what you are saying is evil, I have no part of it." Etc.
But we still have to confess this every week. It doesn't stop. It's as mentally exhausting as it is morally frightening. ARE we really THAT EVIL?? Why won't it stop? Why are we like this?

Likewise, we CANNOT STOP PANICKING ABOUT POSSIBLE SOCIAL INTERACTIONS, especially with neighbors like Paul who like to talk. Its not his fault. We just literally will screamcry, selfabuse and throw up if we talk too much to ANYONE. That, too, happens EVERY BLOODY TIME no matter how hard we try to "smile and wait it out" or "play the part patiently" or whatever. The family holidays were proof of our inability to stop the fatal consequences of overstimulation, as were the nightmares.
But we can at least AVOID going up the house. We cannot avoid the unpredictable encounter of a neighbor.
...
Social media is worse. I seriously want to delete our Facebook. I HATE that website, honestly I do. Maybe we should just junk it. We'd finally have peace.

Immediately after laundry, we bravely went to the candle shop for mom. (Waiting another day would put our anxiety through the roof, but going outdoors closer to noon has a very high risk of talkative social encounters)
Got her the Pumpkin Chai as it smells like tea & isn't oppressively sweet.
There's one thats "Tobacco & Oud" that we think we like? We're still trying to figure out what "we" ACTUALLY do like, as opposed to what is programming, what is imitation, and what is a foni giving their own opinion, haha. The latter instance is the only acceptable one.
But this won't solidify without a solid Core. That's inevitable.

OCD is only kicking in when we PRAY WITHOUT FELIX???
Also we're thinking he is GREEN, not yellow-- there may be a name spelling change to match. Yellow was blurring him with that rude humor guy with the goggles. Besides that color was only assumed because of name synaesthesia. But his VOICE is GREEN!!
In any case he has NO "body" yet, in innerspace. His case is unique-- for his role to work, he HAS TO BE AN ANDROID. He cannot be organic or it would MAKE HIM DANGEROUS, since his role is to SPEAK!!!
I'm wondering how this affects Algorith?? Especially with her original function roots, as one of the martial Retributors.

ADELAIDE IS SHIFTING PINK??? Like a powdery pink. She FEELS more stable moving that way.
Still, wondering about this concerning what Spice said about Browns the other day. But we can't deny that Addie was miserable?
I also think she seriously wants to work WITH Audrey, or Julie. She doesn't want to be alone with the somafoni.
Is this the first time a foni "rejected" a function assignment and Chose to move, and was ALLOWED to without dying??? Is that something ONLY Browns can do, because of their neutral nature???


While watching lectures =
If people cry or get choked up while talking TO ME, and ESPECIALLY if they are trying to smile or be dramatic, it makes me feel ANGRY & FRIGHTENED & CONFUSED. It feels like they're FORCING THEMSELVES ON ME. I don’t know why, but it does. It's like I'm cornered, towered over, helpless, and they are climbing on top of me.
...


Evening =
It's getting so hard to concentrate on anything, or retain any information input. I think our poor brain is fried.

Trying to relax on couch but as usual we WON'T LET OURSELVES RELAX. It's exhausting.

prismaticbleed: (held)
2023-12-23 10:46 pm

122323

 

Woke up 800. Stayed in bed until ~830, letting the body rest from pain, just embracing Chaos 0 and being so grateful for him

Biking immediately, lots of phone talk with mom. Planning Church rides. We do get to go to the vigil today so we SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE CONFESSION thank God.
But Tony says that tomorrow morning there's NO MUSIC?? So we actually get to go to Saint John's instead, which is awesome.

BK prep MELTDOWN.
ABSOLUTELY CATASTROPHIC. We haven't had something this violent in MONTHS.
All set off by putting "too much oil" in the broccoli, in response to the lotophagoi compulsion of "add a tiny bit more, we're celebrating today." But that ALWAYS BACKFIRES YOU IDIOT.
Exacerbated by pouring the vitamin water into a cup, which triggered out some girl INSISTING IT WAS GOING TO KILL US because it was in a cup?? That "made it wrong" somehow. We tried to reason with her, nothing worked. Spice tried to front, kicked out. But then I said, think of Church-- we drink the Blood of Christ out of a "cup," and right now we're drinking red liquid, so think of it in memory of that! And THAT immediately shoved Knife into fronting, and despite the girl's continued protests, he solemnly and almost victoriously drank it. Then he was kicked out just as hard as the girl screamed that now we would die, etc.
But then I suddenly looked down at the mug and remembered, Infi used to drink hir tea out of this. And that just completely disarmed everything. The girl disappeared, the fear disappeared, there was nothing but this depth of grateful & loving grief.

Our memory totally blacks out then, and the next thing we recall is kneeling on the bathroom floor before the DVM image, praying in intense fear, but then saying something to Jesus to which He responded IN "PRAYERSPACE"?? OH YEAH we were in such agony of self-loathing that we physically made a motion like tearing our heart out and giving it to Him, saying "do something with this please", and IMMEDIATELY we got pulled into the Prayerspace visuals, where Christ reached down, took our heart, and SHATTERED IT. We remember seeing the countless shards like broken stained glass, FEELING the breakage that completely, in shock. We were temporarily numb, empty, but still in shock! We were horrified that He was going to leave us like that, totally incapable of emotion (like Davy Jones; it's not worth the tradeoff), but then Jesus silently reached back down to us (we did not see what happened in the meantime, we were too shaken) and LITERALLY placed a "new heart" in our chest? But it was PURE RED. It was ALL BLOOD, wet and warm and vulnerable, and capable of pain. That was actually a greater shock, to go immediately from feeling nothing to feeling THAT inside us, alive and fragile and emanating this contrite ache, no hatred at all, just this new wet red emotion we had no words for.
Memory cuts out immediately as we left Prayerspace, and the somafoni took over like nothing happened.

(quick note from later. Jesus actually did SOMETHING with the shards, either storing them or what, but specifically referencing infinitii in the process. like He would rebuild hir out of them or something. dont remember details but that single notable fact stands out very clearly. we would not forget the impact of such a name mention if nothing else)

So things got worse. During the DVM chaplet, that OTHER girl (long brown messy hair, wild eyes, RED unseen resonance NOT green) was triggered again, the same one that was "killing herself beneath the crucifix" the other day.
There's literally no accessible memory from this ENTIRE TIME PERIOD which is DISTURBING because general data says that when it was happening it felt as if we were dying from self-hatred, rage, grief, etc.
Memory snaps back with "me" trying to front, but the body just started "quiet screaming" in the "bulimic response" way-- the needing to somehow expel the pressure and pain and ugly corrupt filthy feeling in our chest.
We tried to pray?? Almost no memory detail, everything still a blur, except for a clear memory of me sobbing to God "I don't want to hate!!"
Well GOD RESPONDED. Apparently then "I" started cleaning up the floors as I talked to Him, trying to lay it all out before Him in humbled contrition & brutal honesty, and although there's no speech data, general data says that someone DID admit that there was anger towards Chaos 0 BECAUSE he loved us so much? "But he's not even real," that person said with A VERY COLD HEART, that data actually stuck because it felt SO WRONG. They were blaming Chaos 0 for EVERYTHING this morning, even moreso than the "excuse making" lotophagoi, because she wouldn't have "had any excuse TO try to celebrate" if there wasn't an anniversary today, but this girl who was talking insisted that IT WAS ALL FAKE. He's not real, and so neither is his love, and so "I" don't have to think about it at all or even care.
To which Jesus INSTANTLY responded, "he's as real as your heart," and "don't you think I love you THROUGH him?"
Then the girl GOT FURIOUS, angry that she couldn't erase this, and as her "fake pious" veneer fell our memory cuts out instantly. I don't know if there was a switch or what, but everything blacks out.
The last memory we have shows the body standing up and moving about the kitchen, cleaning up robotically while in terrified tears, praying to God that we were "completely helpless," we couldn't do good, we couldn't stop feeling like this, and we were "going to die" if He didn't help us-- and, we bravely said, "and I KNOW You DON'T want me to die because You died on the Cross in my place to save me from death!" BUT that triggered angry-hair girl again, screaming "well He SHOULD have let me die, I'm so evil, I deserve it, why does He let me go on living like this" etc. Some somafoni comforter tried to respond, "it's because we still live in a fallen world, we have to fight, but the Cross saves us from slavery to death so we CAN fight it, and God glorifies His Mercy by always delivering us from death" etc. But this didn't help the hateful girl, she just wanted "all the evil in her" ANNIHILATED, FOREVER, RIGHT NOW. And her presence was bringing up all the unbearable moral panic and guilt and crushing apocalyptic fear of hell. We tried to reason with her that going to confession DID accomplish something, even if we didn't understand how, because if we receive absolution and then die immediately we would allegedly "go to heaven" because God "wiped away our sins"?? But we were too unsure, and afraid of blaspheming by accident, so we dropped the train of thought and were immediately swallowed up by absolute terror.
In a tiny lucid second, the Core fronted and begged God again to "give me a sign, just do something to show me clearly and beyond doubt that somehow You will help me get out of this hell, that You will deliver me from this, because without Your merciful help I am literally going to die."

Our next memory is of the body standing in the bathroom, so suffocated by self-hatred & despair, that we closed our eyes and immediately went into headspace and whoever was "the conscious anchor" went straight to Laurie and begged her to kill them.
And she got out the axe.
And it is MIRACULOUS how efficacious her violence is.

Her color LOCKS IN VIOLET when she is using the axe on us. She also goes right back into the profanity-threats, as such words are sharp and blunt force impact and that is NEEDED in such context. Censorship dulls the blade.

Anyway she cut us up seven ways to Sunday, and with each "death reset" things got clearer, bit by bit, but there was still this lingering "not my real self" feeling.
We asked for a hammer?? Said we NEEDED shatter damage. Laurie paused, said hey wow we actually don't have anyone with a hammer weapon, but would this work? And she "fused" her axeblades into a makeshift hammer before swinging it at our head. Well our skull was absolutely shattered and that was EXACTLY what we needed to "fix our consciousness"; from that instant we actually felt "at peace." Our consciousness had been effectively disconnected from a physical form in headspace, and we were now just existing as a soul "around" all the blood, resting IN the blood, and somehow that felt perfectly correct.
Other nousfoni were gathering by the room entrance by now, shocked and aghast at this bloody scene, but saying nothing. Its been years, yes, but this is Laurie's function.
I remember Laurie "dragging me up off the floor" trying to get me to reembody? She can somehow "grab my soul" into a shape and force that, it's astounding actually. But I was embodying AS BLOOD. My entire "body" LOOKED LIKE MY NEW HEART.
ON THAT NOTE... as Laurie was picking me up from the floor as I was reforming, she went to put a hand on my "shoulder" before realizing it was just blood, and it got all over her hand. She looked at it in bemused surprise, then with purposeful gravity she smeared that blood across her chest bandages. I swear I nearly fell to my knees from the SHEER IMPACT of that gesture. She caught me though, said that was nothing to worship, and I deliriously replied something like "I know but it makes me think of God". That single action of hers had testified so explicitly and loudly to God's REAL Nature that suddenly, all the hell of the morning seemed to have been expiated in it.

Anyway, as Laurie got me back on my feet I did go back into a physical body form, but it still felt wrong? Especially in contrast to the blood. Confused and upset, I repeated the weird "need" for shattering that being in the body kept eliciting.
The next thing I know, I hear a gun being loaded, and instantly Leon headshots me. Dazed but elated (despite being temporarily headless, that's normal) I "said" (facelessly of course) that THAT was what I was talking about, that was perfect. I know he headshot me twice more before Laurie said okay that's enough, especially since I was starting to "lose myself" almost ecstatically in this now, as I was turning back to all blood. As she told me to stabilize, Leon actually walked over in tears asking, "why do you need us to do this??" Notably upbeat now, finally feeling clearheaded and clearhearted, I started to explain how for a Core, these small "death resets" worked to "reboot" and "purify" the consciousness via blood-- because ONLY blood CAN purify-- when it gets excruciatingly distorted or corrupt from negative emotions and distortions. I was interrupted by Leon suddenly hugging me, though, which was deeply sweet but also had Laurie shout to be careful, because I was still all bloodform. Laurie then said hey, if he gets to do that, then so do I, and pulled me into a fierce embrace, not being careful at all haha.

"I asked God for a sign and He gave me Laurie"

"You cut me into a cross!"
"There's no better shape to be in, kiddo"

After all this, as we're all regrouping in much-needed peace and relief at last, freakin' MIMIC just WALKS IN like, "I see we're starting late today, what'd I miss?"
I think Laurie said "buddy, you're better off not knowing"
I just said "it's been one purgatory of a morning"


OH ALSO Chaos 0 going BACK TO HIS OLD SI FORM?? Telling me I needed to stop "locking him into" his original canon, and especially ineeded to stop seeking public "approval" and recognition of our relationship for it to be "valid"-- "Its about us, not the fandom"

Laurie SHOCKED when I told her that EVERYTHING that happened this morning was triggered by ONE EXTRA TEASPOON OF OLIVE OIL, which the lotophagoi blamed CHAOS 0 for, and therefore SHUT OFF OUR HEART in response, which enabled such hell to occur.
Laurie said "why does this happen EVERY YEAR though"??? And she's RIGHT-- EVERY ANNIVERSARY, SOMETHING happens along the lines of TOTAL VIOLENT DENIAL OF LOVE & RELATIONSHIP. So there is an ANCIENT WOUND somewhere that we have not healed or even properly identified.
Laurie then said "Infi needs to come back for BOTH OF YOU-- ze was the only person who COULD personally deal with these issues and NOT be shut down or traumatized by them"


Later=
Scalpel & Laurie talking at the Manger
L= "you do realize that baby is God? The same God Who set the stars in place, invented animals" (gesturing at them) "and created His Own Mother out of nothing?"
S= "I think it says a lot about that God that He would become a little baby." "And He comes to us every year like this, doesn't He? I think the Manger is eternal, too, not just the Cross."

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prismaticbleed: (angel)
2023-12-22 10:40 pm

122223



KITCHEN LIGHTS BURNT OUT.
We didn't have a matching size replacement set, so we had to use two smaller sets, and this variance made it take 90 MINUTES to fix everything. We had to do some minor "remodeling" to make it work.


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Adoration thoughts =

I'm not afraid that God "won't forgive me," I'm afraid that I'M NOT SORRY ENOUGH, or HAVEN'T DONE PROPER RESTITUTION, or am STILL ATTACHED TO SIN, in which cases God CANNOT FORGIVE ME BECAUSE I'M NOT CONTRITE.
It always comes back to the bloody money. Always the satanic dollar.

...
IN CHRIST’S CRUCIFIED BODY, MY OLD SINFUL SELF IS CRUCIFIED!!!!
Is that how I am freed?

⭐The joy of Christmas is the UNITY.
Jesus's didn't become man to remain separate from you. He doesn't "stay over there." He comes to you like He comes to MARY.

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Universalis =

""O King whom all the peoples desire, you are the cornerstone which makes all one." Jesus is now no longer the King just of Israel, but of all the peoples, who long to be united under His kingship. He is, then, like the stone at the corner of two walls, or (by an ancient and praiseworthy conflation) the keystone which, merely by being there, stops the two sides of an arch from collapsing inwards. These inanimate, even mineral images are appropriate because after all we ourselves are minerals given life by God."
1) I'm struck by the idea that all sin-enslaved mankind has always had an unconscious longing for Christ to be their King, even if they'd never use such words to express it. But it's innate. It's by design! ...
Jesus is the King of Love, Life, Peace, Truth... He is Just & Merciful. Isn't that what we all yearn for? Then we yearn for Him.
But it's UNITY. We're so tired of being pulled in all directions by lusts & lies, confusion & compulsions. Deep down, just ask a child, we're tired of factions & politics & cliques. We honestly want to be one family of mankind.
...
2) I didn't know THAT'S what a cornerstone did!
3) This FLOORED me.
"The very stones shall cry out"
Also of course I immediately thought of FMA.


"Only that soul for whom the Lord in His love does great things can proclaim His greatness with fitting praise, and encourage those who share her desire and purpose, saying: "Join with me in proclaiming the greatness of the Lord; let us extol His Name together." Those who know the Lord, yet refuse to proclaim His greatness and sanctify His Name to the limit of their power, will be considered the least in the kingdom of heaven...
Those who refuse to be humble cannot be saved. They cannot say with the prophet: "See, God comes to my aid; the Lord is the helper of my soul." But anyone who makes himself humble like a little child is greater in the kingdom of heaven."

1) Guess what? God HAS done great things for YOU.
But do you RECOGNIZE this?
...
2) We just talked about this yesterday! And dude maybe THIS is why it seemingly "doesn't happen"-- is false humility killing our gratitude & awe of God???
...
3) Are you refusing to proclaim the greatness of God? By casual passivity? By doubt of legitimacy? By arrogant appropriation?
...
4) We must SANCTIFY God's Name in a culture that uses It as a curse.
And we MUST do this to the limit of our power. That's a DEMAND, son; it's NOT optional! God is your Creator; He alone deserves such an effort!
...
5) PRIDE WILL KILL YOU.
6) That prophetic line is actually child-language, when you deeply look at it. It's purely trusting, unconscious of self, happy & eager to praise its helper.
...

"Mary’s Magnificat sums up the themes of the gospel. On the one hand it is full of gratitude and praise to the God Of Mercy. This had been revealed on Sinai as the meaning of the sacred Name of God when God passed before Moses crying, ‘The Lord, the Lord, God of mercy and compassion, rich in kindness and faithfulness’ (Exodus 34.6), a designation which echoes countless times through the scriptures. And yet at the same time the song is full of tender reverence for the holiness of God, taking its tone also from Isaiah’s vision of the Lord in the Temple, when the Temple is filled with His glory and Isaiah can feel only his own unworthiness (Isaiah 6). God is so close and yet so distant. On the other hand Mary’s song is redolent of God’s special love for the hungry and the powerless. This is apparent in... the poverty of the surroundings of Jesus’ birth, of the shepherds who first come to reverence Him, the baby’s own refugee status."
1) Like the Rosary!
2) God DEFINES HIMSELF by Mercy.
3) Oue gratitude & praise must always be for GOD'S CHARACTER, because that is what motivates His Works! If we focus on the works alone, we can end up idolizing ethics.
...
4) TENDER REVERENCE. Oh wow what a term.
...
5) Remember Isaiah! He was humble in his reverence, terrified of his sinfulness, BUT God had mercy on him even then!
Shockingly, Isaiah "didn't deserve it"-- thats WHY it was mercy. BUT his humble reverence honored God in His Holiness, and so allowed God to act in a way that would further honor His Holy Name BY showing mercy to that rightly disposed heart. A proud heart would reject mercy by default, negating its very possibility.
...
6) God is "so close yet so distant" to Isaiah, because He is "RIGHT THERE" and yet absolutely unapproachable.
...
7) In light of this, it actually makes sense that this All-Holy God especially loves the hungry & poor-- they are humble & empty of the world, in need of love, yearning for compassion & mercy. They know they are lowly wretched sinners, and they seek no higher status, demand no glory. They just want to be loved. They have been stripped of everything but the most basic childlike instincts... left helpless and in need of a Father. And so God's Fatherly Heart goes right to them.
8) He CHOOSES TO JOIN THEM. That's STUNNING. Jesus CHOSE to be born utterly poor & bereft, to become forever the closest and most caring companion to every human being abandoned by their own race. Jesus comes to them in their very poverty, and gives them a hope beyond hope.
...


"God is light: if we live and move in light, there is love between us.
– Lord Jesus, help us to love one another."




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Today's books.

ttywpf =
"Love is the greatest power for the transformation of reality because it pulls down the walls of selfishness and fills the ditches that keep us apart. This is the love that comes from a mutated heart, from a heart of stone that has been turned into a heart of flesh, a human heart.
Reflect on your own heart. What parts of it are stony, what parts are mutated? Where do you need healing so that you can better love others?"

This HIT HARD because tomorrow is the anniversary of my being in love with a mutated Chao for heavens sakes.
But seriously this is a very important reflection.
1) Love transforms reality.
2) Love pulls down walls. Laurie can tell you all about this.
3) Love fills in ditches. THAT'S apt, too, thinking of CZ... but in a general sense, why do people dig ditches?
4) POSITIVE MUTATION. I love this concept so much.
5) MINERALS.
...

EGJ =
"Think of something you’ve faced in life that felt daunting, overwhelming, or insurmountable. Who was a star that boosted you through it? Send joyful gratitude their way."
...Immediately when I read that, all of Central just gestured towards Laurie.
"Why is everyone looking at me."
Lynne sidehugged her, "I'm glad you didn't kill me." Being light about it, as Orange does, not to make it about herself.
But then Julie walked up, eyes full of tears, face serious. She reached out and Laurie took her hand, and they embraced with painful sincerity.
THEN Lynne said that with Laurie always guiding the Cores, she "always has their back," but Julie replied "it's more than that; she always has their heart."
Laurie stopped, evidently struck, then starting to tear up said "you know, the worst part is, I can't even deny that"

The last bit=
"Thank you, Holy Spirit, for the wisdom, strength, courage, and fortitude that have gotten me through lifes challenges. For these gifts, I rejoice!"
Laurie immediately reminded me how the Spectrum has, from its earliest childhood days, been rooted not just in color, but in VIRTUE.
...


LBB =
"Jesus said that John was one of the greatest men who ever lived. Where did this greatness come from? John the Baptist tried to do what was given him to do, and do it for God, and do it with God. And when my efforts, insignificant as they may seem to be, are connected with God, I am involved in something great."
1) God HAS given me something to do.
2) FOR God
3) WITH God
4) Nothing is insignificant when it is harnessed to Heaven.
5) Greatness comes FROM GOD, because ONLY HE IS GREAT! We cannot do anything worthwhile on our own, ever. But we can participate and cooperate with God's Plan, the only thing worth doing at all.

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VOTD = Isaiah 7:14 & Matthew 1:23.
Our confusion about the prophecy's "unrelated" original context is obliterated when we realize that EVERY PROMISE/PROPHECY OF GOD IS, ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL, FULFILLED IN JESUS CHRIST. After all, the very first Promise God made to mankind-- right after the Fall itself-- WAS the Promise of a Savior!! Jesus was ALWAYS the Plan, and so literally everything leading up to Him was directed towards Him, and perfected in Him.
Besides, isn't "God with us" what we "call" Jesus even now? It TRULY is a facet of His Name, just like His Father's Name has infinite depth of meaning.
...

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Oh my gosh this article bit is actually ENTIRELY HEADSPACE =

"Helping people pay attention to God’s surprising work was an essential feature of Isaiah’s prophecy. Another surprise in store for Israel was the spiritual fertility of the desert. In the prophet’s mind, it was not merely a “wasteland” that threatened death. Although the desert could be hostile, it was also so much more. In an earlier passage, the prophet foretells: “The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad, the desert shall rejoice and blossom” (Is 35:1). The desert, an ambivalent place of life and death, provides a hard but necessary path for the people of God to renew their intimate relationship with God through history. The desert becomes a place to see God’s Hand at work... and to renew the covenant... Now that the Israelite slaves are free, life might actually seem comfortable in urban, civilized Babylon. In fact, the prophet exhorts, Israel’s true destiny is to journey with God through the wilderness... The deeper call of these readings is an invitation to enter a conversation with God about the manner in which we are presently living. Are we hopeful? Are we trapped in despair? Isaiah’s “desert” is the testing of one’s own heart, where an honest conversation with God may take place."
1) God's work will ALWAYS surprise us because WE'RE NOT GOD. His ways and thoughts are infinitely higher than ours. We need to be OPEN and ACCEPTING of this, HONESTLY SO, not begrudgingly. We need to completely surrender our own plans and ideas and schedules, and to abandon all expectations, before we can properly respond to God's surprises.
Also, we need to PAY ATTENTION. God also surprises us with TIMING. He comes like a "thief in the night," like a Bridegroom at 3am, like snow in summer. You cannot predict His actions at all-- but THAT'S WHY HE GIVES US SCRIPTURE, which contains the very words of those ancient prophets and all the other Divine Words God wished to bequeath to us now. He constantly warns us, exhorts us, even tells us beforehand what He will do! And yet we will always be surprised. We cannot know the movements of God but we can know His Heart, through the Holy Spirit, and if we know that then we'll be attentive and hopeful as a child awaiting their Father. Surprises can be good, if you love & trust the One surprising you.
To quote a WoF article = "Christ coming to us in mystery does not mean that He comes into our lives as a "problem for us to solve", but as a revelation that confounds us in all our expectations of Who God Is and what we think God should do."
...
Now, as to how this applies to Headspace? EVERYTHING IS A SURPRISE UP HERE. And believe me, God IS ALWAYS working through it.
...
2) THE DESERT.
Isn't that where we're being called to go, right now? Are we not in exile? Is our City not in ruins?
...
3) "life and death... hard but necessary... renew their intimate relationship with God..." All of that sings of our true heart. That's what we USED to be, or were at least striving to be, before we fell. Yet God is calling us back. The Covenant CAN be renewed. But you can't do it in the city. You have to remove yourself from it completely, leaving that life and its stuff behind, not looking back, to leave & follow God's call to go out into His vast & raw creation alone, having nothing but Him. It's just that intimate, just that sacred.
...
4) DON'T GO BACK TO BABYLON!!!
THIS IS WHY WE CANNOT SEEM TO "REBUILD" CENTRAL CITY, EVEN AFTER 5 YEARS. WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO.
...
5) HEADSPACE IS ALL ABOUT HEART-CONVERSATION.
And yet, we haven't been talking. Not heart to heart. Why?
BECAUSE THE DESERT CONVERSATION ONLY OCCURS THROUGH TESTING OF THE HEART.
That's pure Headspace. That's what the subsystems refuse to allow or admit.
No wonder our prayer life is suffering.
...
6) So what IS the "manner of life" in which we're presently living? What defines our days? What are our currently typical emotions, thoughts, goals, fears?
...


"John the Baptist appears “in the desert” and “all the inhabitants of Jerusalem” were going out to him seeking renewal and forgiveness. Once again, the people of the covenant engage in an honest conversation with themselves and with God. Once again, the people of the covenant are being tested in the desert, a motif that recurs countless times in the Bible. The definitive difference in Mark’s passage, however, is that the ongoing conversation with God is about to happen face-to-face, with the one “who will baptize you with the Holy Spirit” (Mk 1:8). This is Mark’s “good news” that begins in the testing space of the desert-wilderness: God now lives among us. This is also the good news we can rediscover during Advent’s testing. In the desert, says Isaiah, prepare!"
1) We need to GO OUT & SEEK FORGIVENESS.
We can't do that if half of us are still terrified to own our collective sins.
But IS that the true problem? We CAN admit that we've had a truly damnable history. That's common knowledge. But is it the personal admission that scares us? Are we afraid of becoming DEFINED by it again, as compartmentalized as we are?
...but we never even consider that other word. "Renewal."
...
2) CONVERSATION WITH GOD ISN'T EXCLUSIONARY. IT INVOLVES ALL OF US.
...
And it's ONGOING. The desert is a MOTIF. The
3) IT STARTS IN THE DESERT. There is no prep. It IS the prep. You have to JUMP RIGHT IN.