prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with outspacers

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

LAURIE UBERICH

JEWEL (CANNON)

Hey there.
You're supposed to be writing a report, you moron.
I know. Just felt like saying hello to you, though.
Don't know why the heck you'd do that. I've been hijacking your consciousness all month. Would've thought you'd have had enough of me by now.
Nope. I miss you when you're not around and yelling at me.
Sheesh you're a headcase. Now write your bloody report.
I will, I will. Give me a minute.
A minute turns to ten minutes in a second with you.
Wait, what?
Never mind.
No, really. That was brilliant.
Glad you think so. But seriously, write that freaking thing. You only have an hour tops before you're going to collapse from fatigue. That's been happening a lot recently.
I know, I know. Mostly because of Rorschach lately.
Good heavens, I swear you are obsessed with that man.
Not obsessed. Just addicted.
Right. I remember when you were like this with Grievous and Davy Jones.
Why does everyone always bring them up?
Because Grievous was part of your daily life for several months in 2005, and you ended up openly admitting that you loved that squidman back in 2006. That's why.
Oh. Good reasons.
Sure are. And Chaos goes without saying.
A-haha, yeah. We'll keep that quiet for now.
Yeah, otherwise we'll get into a whole rant and you'll end up pulling a Johnny-nighter again.
A what?
A Johnny-nighter. Where you stay on the computer until 8AM the next morning doing work, and inevitably end up writing at least 2 journal entries and thinking largely about JTHM during that time.
Good heavens, where are you getting all these terms from?
The ice machine.
Oh. Okay.
It knows things.
You know, I think the both of us need sleep.
Geez, you moron, I'm just joking around. Evil never sleeps, and neither do I.
Aha, you're quoting Rorschach! Wasn't that in a fanfic, though? A good one?
Hell if I know. I'm just trying to keep you awake.
Oh. Yeah. Hey, guess what?
What now?
I'm totally screwed come August.
Why, the trip?
Yeah. Jacob's planning far too much. I wish I wasn't so antisocial and serious, because that really upsets people, y'know? They all want to do stuff and I just want to keep to myself. Maybe talk about something interesting for a bit but that's all. I just... don't want this trip to happen.
You're very mental.
In both senses, yes.
Haha, that is true. But honestly, why are you worrying about this now? I mean, besides the fact that the day is bearing down on you like a freight train.
A freight train full of spike grenades.
Sounds painful.
It is.
What, do you still want them to cancel the visit?
I can't do that. He's looking forward to it too much, and I need to learn to stop being selfish about those things. Just because I don't want something doesn't mean life's going to agree with me on that point.
Hey-- but are we really talking selfishness, or are we going back to the infamous compromise issue?
Ah... you know what, probably the compromise issue.
I find it funny how both Rorschach and Johnny gave you the same bloody advice.
That's because I need it.
Like a hole in the head.
Paradoxically, yes.
I love killing cliches.
Amen.
But yeah, I think it's just that. You're afraid that by allowing this all to happen, you're going to have no other choice but to change your literal personality just to get through it all.
The infamous aura chameleon.
Maybe you are a Crystal, I don't know. We need to go see.
Yeah, someday. Right now, though, I'm more worried about whether or not I'm going to make it through those three days intact. I'm afraid I'm either going to lose something, kill something, or both concerning either of us.
Hmm. Yeah, that's serious stuff.
Tell be about it. Hey, I never heard the full version of the Pikachu remix before.
What the-- oh, the song on WMA right now. Geez, you shocked me.
Sorry. I've never listened to this whole thing before, though. Apparently they sync the English Pokerap into the last minute or so. It's hilariously fun to listen to.
Well, I guess I can thank Newgrounds for that.
Yeah, you can. Geez, I can't believe I found that website when I was 11, haha. Not good for my mental health.
No kidding. Let's get back on topic, though. It's getting late.It's getting early.
Aw, who the heck cares what it's getting. You should be in bed regardless.
One day I'm going to wander in there and there's going to be a note on my pillow saying "BeHinD you"--
Heh, yeah, and then you're going to be in deep trouble.
He'll probably throw my Pokemon plushies at my head or something. "Class tomorrow. I checked. No sleep. Very bad."
I would pay him to do that.
Do it.
Fine. Don't cry when he keeps you up until 4AM, then.
I won't. We'll stay up talking about random stuffs and we'll eat sugar cubes because we can.
Yeah, that'll keep you awake for sure. Hey-- where's that freaking report?
What? Oh, yeah...
Yeah, the report. What did I tell you about the ten minutes, huh? It's 1:14 AM, for the love of sanity. Get finished.
I will, I will. Sorry, Laur... I just really wanted to talk to you tonight.
Oh, that's okay. I just don't want you losing all this sleep again. Very bad.
I'm going to be laughing about that for days.
Good. Now go to sleep before the sugar cubes wear off.
All right, all right!
Report first.
Yeah, can't forget that, Thanks, Laurie.
Anytime.
Oh-- oh geez, look at the entry title...
A-ha haa! Brilliant! How the heck did you do that?
I didn't! I just wrote it there as a topic because that was the last scene I read over, and then you made that joke and...
And it all just fit together perfectly.
Yeah!
Geez,
that was pretty epic, though.
Darn straight.
Damn straight.
Same thing.
No, mine is missing an 'r.'
There's an extra in Rorschach's signature.
You steal that 'r' and you're going to have more than a Celebi plushie thrown at your head.
Like butcher knives.
That's Barry's job, you idiot.
I miss him too.
Well that settles it.
What?
You obviously need sleep.
Yeah, that's true. Well, good night, Laurie.
Good night. And finish that report.
I will.
Good.
Um... are you really going to pay him to do that? Just so I know what to watch for.
Kid, I won't pay him a cent until that report is finished.
All right, I hear you!
You going to leave now, then?
Yeah... I just need a good closing line.
How about we just call it quits and see how that works?
It should work fine, actually.

For some odd reason, I really miss Johnny all of a sudden.

Hurm.
I spend far too much time with lunatics, let me tell you.

Cried over Rorschach again today.
It hit me out of the blue again, my vision just started blurring up and...

I don't know. My heart is way too fragile.
It also latches onto other souls far too easily.

I need to say "hi" to Godot, Marik, Bakura and Barry again soon. I haven't spoken to them much recently, and they're all sweethearts.

Regardless, I'm dead tired and still have Italian homework to finish.
I'm cheating and listening to Eiffel 65, haha. They sing in Italian!

Evil never sleeps, but if I don't get any sleep I won't be conscious enough to fight it tomorrow. Sorry, Rorschach. You're tougher than I am, you and Johnny both.

See you tonight, maybe.

I asked myself a question last week.

"What makes me the happiest?"

I actually got an answer this time.

The answer is...
Living as a good person
and going back to the good old days.

The 'good old days.' Those diamond days back at the beginning of the millenium, when I was still a child. Oh they were beautiful years.
I can never truly go back, as it's almost a decade later, but that's okay.
However... if I could take those moments and bring them into my life now, however different it is, that would be perfect.

What's odd, though... is that I've also realized that there are some things I need to let go of and some things that I need to find again.
I've been in a severe funk lately, but I'm slowly getting myself out of it.
I invited Nightcrawler back into my headgang after 5 years. I met Rorschach (who's name is incredibly fun to type) just recently, and he's now a major member as well.
I've started talking to Davy and Barry and Grievous and everyone again as well.
I've been thinking about all my old Dream World friends a lot recently.

Now, I just need to get back to typing and drawing and this will be fantastic.

Oh, yeah... and I'm also trying to get back to my best behavior. Laurie's been jolting into my consciousness recently, which is actually a good thing because she keeps me under control... but it's bad that she has to show up. She only shows up when I make a huge mistake or stop being true to myself.

So I'm trying very hard to be 'me' again. I know who I am... I just need to try harder.

And now I have Italian homework to finish and work in 20 minutes so I'm going to wish you all well and call it quits.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Current Mood: Words can't even say.

I'll admit, I couldn't help but cry when General Grievous died.
I'll admit, I couldn't help but cry when Davy Jones died.
I'll admit, I couldn't help but cry when Nicholas Wolfwood died.

But I was shocked when I read the end of Watchmen...

...I never expected to cry so damn hard.

I don't know why he has so many fans.
Maybe it's the mask.
Maybe it's his absurd quirks.
Maybe it's his unusual attitude.
Maybe it's his terrible past.
Maybe it's his trenchcoat and fedora.
Maybe it's all of that. I can't say.

All I know is that for me, it's all those reasons and heaven knows how many more. You know me.

I really admire that guy.
Rorschach. Walter Joseph Kovacs.
He's quite the unique headcase. I really do admire him.

But you know me.
Getting all attached to these guys, asexual neutrois or not.

...

Bloodstained snow.

Somehow I knew it was coming.
Didn't make any difference, though.

I was literally sobbing.
I didn't expect that at all.
I expected, tears, sure... but I didn't expect to just shatter like that. I didn't expect it to hurt so damn much.
But it did.

You know, in my book, the guy died a sort of martyr. No I'm not kidding.
Watchmen was painful for me... so much empathy, so much understanding and alternate motives and motivations. So much.
And yet, everything was so grey...
...You never know what was really the right thing to do.

You never knew if the end result would damn the world or save the world.

That's what made it so damn frightening, so damn heartbreaking. You never knew.

Not even in the face of Armageddon.

Never compromise.

Was that the right thing?
I don't know. I'll never know. We'll never know.
...
In a sad, desperate way, I hope to God it was. I really do.

But I don't know.

Sugar cubes... that always made me laugh. That and the refrigerator ambush. Brilliant.
Oh, and how he would always just sneak into Nite Owl's house...

He was a headcase, sure. His mind snapped for a damn good reason, and it was terribly obvious.
To him, the world was the color of his mask. I don't know if that was good or not. Maybe it was.
But despite all the things he did, even as a masked vigilante, I still think of him as a really good guy.
He's totally indescribable, though. Like an inkblot. The only way to know him even a little is to read the book, to stare right at the pictures on your own... and if you're anything like me, then save the last chapter for a night where you're not going anywhere. You'll need the recovery time. For multiple reasons.
Oh, New York, you broke my heart...

Laurel's mother, on the third-to-last page...

The entire conspiracy, once you understand it...

Nite Owl and Silk Spectre, their last conversation in Antarctica...

The last panel...

...The bloody snow.

I had to close the damn book and just cry for a while. Couldn't get that image out of my head. Couldn't get any of the images out. It hurt.

I can't help but laugh a little, though... red hair and freckles. Dear Lord, that still got me long after I was already hooked, haha.

Funny little factoid, actually.
You all know I 'met' Rorschach long before I got the chance to read Watchmen, right? One of my research binges... old Saturday morning cartoons, for a religion paper (seriously). Stumbled across good old Freakazoid, brought up his Wikipedia article by chance.
Somewhere during that time I stumbled across Rorschach's page as well.
I've seen him before, I'd heard about him countless times, but only as glimpses or fleeting mentions. I never knew who this guy was.
I read a little bit... non-spoiler stuff, y'know.
That was when I knew I had to read this guy's debut sometime.
Fast-forward to last week... Entertainment comes in the mail. Certain face on the cover.
I practically had a heart attack, haha. Within the next few days I drove out to Borders, finally bought Watchmen (last copy in the store!), and commenced the unforgettable process of reading the darn thing.
Just finished it an hour ago.
Even so... when I buy a book, I have a horrible habit of reading the beginning in the store, then once I buy it and bring it home, flipping to a random page and panel deeper into the book before continuing it for sure.
I did that with Watchmen right after I finished the first chapter.
Ended up staring at the page where Rorschach gets unmasked.
Flipped to chapter 2, and had the blissful honor of knowing who he was for the entire book beforehand.
That still makes me smile every time.

Life goes on, honey.

Life goes on.

For me it does.

People laugh, say that they're only comic-book characters. Just made-up personalities that can easily be changed and rewritten; just faces upon a page, just ink upon paper. Fragments.
To some people they are.
But...
If you've read Watchmen, and if you ever do read it, then you'll understand what I mean.

Sometimes, the world inside the pages, the faces inside the pages, they become more than that.

I heard someone say, a long time ago... that, if you love something enough, that if you believe in something enough, that if you really value and treasure this one thing, then it becomes real... even if no one else thinks it possible.
I believe that.

Watchmen is only the latest world to enter my universe... but it's one of the biggest.
Any of you who've read it... you were part of that world, somehow, as your eyes travelled through those pages. You know you were.
When that book ended, you couldn't believe it, could you? Did you immediately start flipping back through the pages, practically re-reading the entire thing, seeing it all in a different light, with a new understanding? Did you just sit there after the back cover closed on those 400 pages of a masterpiece, wondering about the alternatives? Was that really the best choice?
There's no way we can know.
And I think we've all thought about that.
We closed the book, looked up in shock, and we were forever changed by what we had now learned... by the world within the pages.
It had become completely, utterly real to us. To all of us.

As for me, I cried.
It was real for me too. It's always so real for me.

That didn't change anything, though.
The conspiracy still followed through to the end.

And Rorschach still died.

"Where are you going?"

"Back to Owlship. Back to America. Evil must be punished. People must be told."

"Rorschach... You know I can't let you do that."

"Huhhh. Of course. Must protect Veidt's new utopia. One more body amongst foundations makes little difference."

"Well? What are you waiting for? Do it!"

"Rorschach..."

"DO IT!"

And the snow turned red.

Please.
Don't kill Rorschach. Don't kill Rorschach. Don't kill Rorschach.

Dear God, it just seems that everyone I've ever loved in some way always dies in some way.

...He's probably going to die, but I feel he deserves this simple prayer of sorts regardless.

Heavens above, I am such a headcase...

Even so.
Life.

It's tough. It's always tough... always has been, always will be.
But... I just achieved adulthood two months ago. That's all. I'm new at this.
I'm new at this, and I don't understand it yet. I don't know how to handle it yet. I don't know... what to do.

I keep making mistakes.

Huge, horrifying mistakes. Mistakes that make me seriously wonder if I even know what I'm doing with my life. Mistakes that make me wonder whether or not I have a grip on this situation at all. Mistakes that make me question who the hell I am.

Jewel Lightraye... she's alive. She's me. I am her. I am Jewel Lightraye.

But... right now, she only lives in my mind, as my soul, as my true self... an existence virtually impossible to achieve in this sorry reality.

As for this wretched physical form and face... it has no name.
I have no name right now. A masked vigilante with no hidden identity because there is no identity to hide.
It scares the life out of me.

I need help... I need salvation.
I want some of my sanity back.
I need the strength to control my own choices.
I need to stop compromising who I am.
If I don't stop compromising who I am for the whims and fancies of those around me... I won't just be nameless, I'll be soulless. There will be nothing left of me save an empty shell with an unreadable face and a life that does not belong to me.

I need to stay true to who I am.

I cannot die with no regrets. I have enough regrets at this age to last me the rest of my life, although God knows that I'm bound to commit many more before it's my time to step into the shadows.
God also knows that I'd give almost anything to change that cruel fate. To erase my past failures. To save my soul.
To save my soul I'd give anything.

I need to get out of this. I need an escape from this hellhole that I've somehow damned myself into.
I need to try harder. I need the strength to even attempt to do that. I need the willpower to attain that strength.
There is so much I need. I hate being greedy, but how can I refuse water when I've been in this desert for almost two decades?

Even so... there is one thing I will always have, no matter how hard this life gets.
There is one thing I will always have, no matter what demons and hellfire I must face.
There is one thing I will always have, no matter how dark and black the night becomes.

I will always have a reason to live.

So many questions...

Never mind. Answers soon.

Nothing is insoluble.

Nothing is hopeless.

Not while there's life.

...If he dies, I'm going to be sobbing for days.

Just a quick and randomly amusing list of my current non-Dream-World headgang because I've been thinking about 'em all quite a bit recently.
Oh, and by the way... yes, I am out of my head. Just thought you should know.
(No, that's not a joke, and no, I'm not trying to be cute. Keep that in mind, please.)

Format:

0) Name
- Species
- From...
- Met when?
- Title

1) Ryou Bakura
- Human
- Yu-Gi-Oh
- 2002
- Sweetheart

2) Marik Ishtar
- Human
- Yu-Gi-Oh
- 2003
- Pharaoh

3) Chaos Zero
- Energy being
- Sonic Adventure
- 2003
- Soulmate

4) Selph
- Nightmaren
- NiGHTS into dreams...
- 2005
- Muse

5) General Grievous
- Kaleesh
- Star Wars
- 2005
- Sensei

6) Davy Jones
- Human mutant
- POtC
- 2006
- Captain

7) Barry the Chopper
- Human zombie
- FMA
- 2005
- Partner in crime

8) Soryuu Kaminogi
- Human
- Phoenix Wright
- 2007
- Lawyer

9) Midvalley Hornfreak
- Human
- Trigun
- 2006
- Musician

10) Razlo
- Humanoid
- Trigun
- 2006
- Odd job guy

11) Kain
- Unknown
- Otherside
- 2007
- King by default

12) Nightcrawler
- Mutant
- X-Men
- 2003
- Old friend

new guys!

13) Johnny C.
- Human
- JTHM
- 2008
- Mirror

14) Hellboy
- Demon
- Hellboy
- 2008
- That awesome dude I like to talk to at random

15) Rorschach
- Human
- Watchmen
- 2008
- That bizarre dude that I like far too much

16) Reverend Mofo
- Monkey
- Chumble Spuzz
- 2008
- Our resident manic Baptist preacher

17) Bogardus
- Nohrin
- Delgo
- 2009
- A military man with a good heart

15) Mr. Bluesky (FINALLY!)
- Human?
- dark-velox
- 2009
- Everyone's favorite pipe-headed tall guy

I need a bigger headgang, darn it all. We have fun.

Anyway, have a good night!

No matter how much love I give...
No matter how much love I get...

It always feels...

...Unrequited.

So what do I do now?

Q knows I love him, but I don't say so enough.

Ditto that point with Bakura and Marik, too.

I never feel as if I'm letting them know as much as I should.

Chaos Zero knows I love him, and I tell him constantly.

But... I still feel as if I'm just not saying what I need to say.

I love Selph dearly, but sometimes days go by where I barely say a word to him.

I hope he doesn't feel ignored or forgotten...

I always tell him how I feel, though... but is it enough?

Will it ever be enough?

No matter what I say
No matter what I do
No matter how I feel
It never feels like enough.
Maybe that's the way love works
Maybe that's how it's supposed to be
But that doesn't mean
That it doesn't break my heart
Every time it crosses my mind.

I don't even know if Jim knows.

He means so freaking much to me... always has, and always will, but...

...Should I say anything?

Should I tell him what I almost said back in December?

Should I tell him that I love him as much as I do?

Or should I keep quiet and keep wondering?

It's the same situation with Ben.

He's an amazing kid, and I love him too, but...

...I don't know whether or not I should say anything...

...Now or ever.

What do you do
When you can't say how you feel
Because you don't want to offend
Or you don't want to give the wrong impression?
What do you do
If you just want to stay friends
But you still want them to know
How much they will always mean to you?
What do you do
When you simply can't say
"I love you?"

It hurts like hell, you know.

Randomosity abounds.

Mum keeps calling about random stuff and she might buy me that one Starsailor album I've been looking for if she finds it... you know, the one with "Alcoholic" on it? And I keep having to run around the house and look stuff up for her when she calls, which is always fun.

Lightning ended up cutting the watermelon into 3-inch thick slices by accident (as the bread knife curves), which was awesome. We promptly dubbed it "watermelon cake" and proceeded to stuff ourselves with it, haha. I somehow downed two slices.

Then Viral came home and Diamond suggested we watch Digimon, which Viral vehemently agreed to and then jumped headfirst into a WoW conversation and now they're both ranting about MGS4 which is freaking sweet. I need to get into that series, that and Half-Life. I don't get time to game much.

I just wish there was an awesome 4-player Xbox 360 Sonic game where you could play as everyone from Ray to Mighty to Tiara to Big to Nack to Rouge to Marine to Chaos Zero to Shade and it had a SSBM-esque mode that was tons of fun and didn't get you frustrated and we'd all sit in the living room and play it for hours.

I still need to write more FFN tracks... every time I get an idea I'm far away from my laptop which is a pain. I need to start bringing a voice recorder with me everywhere I go so I won't forget this stuff.

Speaking of music, I've been dreaming of Jim a lot. I saw KoH in a dream about 2 weeks ago, but he was in a lot of pain... his claws were purple and razor-sharp but were all Edward Scissorhands-ish, and he declared through his tears that he would relinquish the entire Kingdom of Otherside to whoever could save him. I wish I knew what was happening so I could help...
But anyway Jim was in my dreams on Monday and Tuesday nights. On Monday I was actually in London Colney, I guess, because I met him while I was walking around outside and we just walked together for a while and talked about stuff. It was fantastic. Last night his family allegedly moved into a nearby town, about 10 minutes away from my house, and although I was actually at their house and saw Jim at the beginning of the dream, I spent the entire remainder of it wandering around a huge city with Diamond and Lightning looking for him.

I was thinking about my heartbox in class today... I had brought my dream journal with me to jot down memory notes and I stumbled across that entry. I didn't know it was late October when I met him! That's a while back. Anyway, I miss that box. He was awesome. Oh, by the way I went into a wake-dream with him during our 10-minute break... I finally gave him his batteries, and they made him glow deep red here and there. It was odd... after thanking me, the first thing he said was "so, would you like to try me out?" You remember, the heartbox was made specifically for those who could not feel certain emotions... empathy and altruism in particular... my two most cherished emotions, really. I wonder why he asked me that? Hm... I'll have to try him in a lucid dream sometime, I owe him that much (plus I have a technological/ metal obsession, haha. Really, I'm addicted to metal and water). By the way I asked him if he'd like me to name him, as I've just been calling him "heartbox." He said he'd never had a name and "heartbox" was just fine, but I could name him if I wanted. I might. I'll look up a lot of names and find one that fits him. Or maybe I'll stick with "heartbox"... I just like the feeling that gives.
I swear, though, that thing just radiates wisdom. I honestly think he is the 'ghost in the machine,' somehow. He just feels like it. Sentient technology, I suppose...

I'm obsessed with technology. I love logic. I love numbers. I like having formulas and equations that I can manually work out and plan with my own mind and hands to reach an exact answer.
I like that sort of work. Order and science and data and knowledge and wisdom. Intellectual work.
I want to learn programming. I want to understand numbers and physics. I want to be able to understand each and every brain-joke that they write into xkcd. I want to know these things.

And yet... I'm so addicted to chaos.

Chaos, even before I met the being with that name, has always been an integral and irreplaceable part of my life. It's a part of me. The butterfly effect... the glitch in the otherwise-perfect program. The variable.
I love my numbers and I like when things work out just so, but... when something screws up, especially for an unknown reason... when the schedule just goes out the window and time loses its meaning... when you look back on the history of the universe and look past the logic that permeates it all and see the pure inexplicable chaos... it just thrills me. I get a bizarre sort of mental high when I come across something that cannot be explained with our current knowledge and technology, when I find something that there is and may never be a definite answer for. Hence my addiction to philosophy as well as psychology. I like to explain things, to take things apart and see how they work... but at the same time, nothing scares and excites me more than when I can't.
I love it when I just can't explain something.

You know what ticks me off? I've had so many people accuse me of being a lesbian it's insane. I mean, I can see someone assuming I'm bisexual, but homosexual?
First non-savings money I can get (God only knows when that will be) I'm buying a boatload of AVEN stuff and wearing it on a daily basis. That'll teach them.
Honestly... it's hard to live as an (and I quote) asexual-antisexual polyamorous celibate nowadays, haha. Isn't it always?

You know, I just thought of something Jim said to me the other day... let me quote, because this really hit me hard--
"You've been the only thing sometimes that kept me getting up in the morning without wanting to fake another sick day. You mean a MASSIVE amount to me, and I know likewise."
I'm honestly speechless.

By the way-- my beloved muse, Selph, is celebrating his 3rd birthday in this reality on Friday, wahoo! Seems like forever, though. Seriously.
Oh well. May we have many more years together, darling. 'Maren and dreamer. That's one unbeatable team, huh?

I need more days like this.

Regardless, I really shouldn't be posting, haha. Honestly.

I'm going through a severe personal crisis right now, and as a result I've been trying to stay totally disconnected from anything Internet-related, yes sir.

However, I pulled a French leave this time, and said nothing save for a cryptic entry right here on LJ almost a week ago.
Well, of course I feel terribly guilty about that one... but I don't want anyone panicking over me or worrying themselves silly over me.
Remember my crisis in January? Exactly.
I don't want to cause a ton of trouble all over again... so I said nothing on IJ, Xanga, Scribbld, NiD, or dA... just here. I wanted to leave just a little warning, just a hint, so people wouldn't think I had simply died or disappeared! Thank goodness that hasn't happened.

But about January. This is... worse.

Why?

Well... now I'm in college. Now I'm an adult. Now I have to worry about finances and cars and divorce and classes and personal stress and a ludicrous amount of guilt on top of it all.

I'll get through it, as always... but I'm worried sick that my family isn't going to get through this in one piece.
So I'm staying offline until I can settle this somewhat. I need to focus on what's immediately important...

Eh... life's been bad, but it was horribly selfish and inconsiderate of me to do what I did.
You know, just leaving and not saying anything, especially with how much my friends were worrying about me.
I figured it would be best to just stay quiet and go about life... but when my brother told me that Q had posted a dA entry asking for my return, I began to worry.
Thats when it hit me.
If I was in their place, and they were in my place...

Empathy. Pardon my language, but it hurts like hell sometimes. You know how deep mine goes.
I thought of that... I thought of how much I would worry and panic if one of my close friends ever left without an explanation, like I did... I thought of how much heartache I would suffer as a result and how desperately I would try to find out what had happened to them and how to help you if I could.
I was stupid and selfish enough to forget that fact when I posted that cryptic journal and simply walked out the door without a word.
And now I'm paying the price.

Heartache.
My mind is a mess...

Today was a mess, who am I kidding? I walked into my afternoon class today on the verge of tears, my hands shaking so much I could barely hold a pencil. I'm honestly shocked that I scored so well on my final. Probably because I was praying like crazy. (And I mean that in the literal sense, mind you! My mind is shot!)

Gosh this journal is getting long by accident. I should be asleep! I need to get a lot of work done tomorrow!

Final little statement or three...

Didja notice my journal is PiNK? Well, not exactly pink, or I wouldn't use it, haha, even though I adore that iMAGNi lass. I like the dark pinks when literal colors are concerned, though.
This journal... it's more of a RASPBERRY, don't you think?
RESOLUTiON. Something I desperately need right now.

Oh yes and I love this song.

"MELLOW MELODY" by CEUI. Song of the entry, kids!
The song itself is simply gorgeous... and the lyrics are beautifully sweet. Plus they apply to me incredibly well, haha. I love lyrics like that.
Here, go read. --> http://gendou.com/amusic/lyrics.php?id=8124&show=2 See what I mean?
For some unknown reason I want to eventually make a Puremaren AMV of sorts to this song. Yes I do. I have it planned out already!

Geez I'm getting tired, though. Ah well. Guess I'd better call it quits.

...

Tiffany, if you're reading this... thank you. If you ever need someone to talk to who will not judge you, or just a shoulder to cry on, I'm right here. I want to be a true friend to you. I haven't known you for very long, but from what I know, you're an amazing person with a beautiful personality and you deserve a ton of love. I hope life starts looking up for you very soon... I've read what you've been through, and I can empathize. I don't want you to suffer if I can help alleviate it somehow... send me a note, okay? I'll be here.
On a different note, I, um... well, I've always dreamed of having a friend named Tiffany. Honest. I don't know why, but I always have. And now I do. Thanks a billion, love.

Well, that's all for tonight, my dears. It's already 1:20 AM, dear heavens... that's it, I'm off to sleep.
Oh and I saw KoH in my dream not three days ago... poor dear was really in a horrible situation, though. And Selph showed up in my dream on... you know what? Read this. --> http://homefive.livejournal.com/1049.html Mind you, it's a very strange and negative dream, which led to my having quite a bad day afterwards, but... yeah. All my dreams lately have been bad or empty, save for one on the 22nd (I think) which was pure awesome. I literally woke up laughing. I'll have to write that one down tomorrow, just because. I'll try and find a little time, okay?

1:23, aha! Talk about coincidence or a lack thereof.

I don't know when I'll see you guys here again... hopefully it won't be too long, but I can't say anything for sure at this point. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Keep dreaming, keep believing, and keep looking up.

Love you kids.

Good night.

~spinningcannon

Current Mood: very, very unstable.
Current Music: "Mellow Melody" (Ceui)

Mood: Thrilled
Listening to: Dreams Dreams: Broken Soul Remix
Reading: Q's lyrics to "The Road Ahead"
Watching: FL Studio's render progress bar. 72%!

Where the heck did the years go??

Yes, your dear friend spinnincannon turned eighteen years old today.
It came up way too fast, I swear. Dear heavens!

Pikadove technically turns 22 today, in earthly chronology. However she prefers to keep her age at 18, equal to mine. Yes.
Random trivia, though, she was 16 all the way up until 2007. XD That was fun.
And she is STILL a bugger to draw! I've been trying to draw her right for the past half hour and it's not working. Eh. I'll take a short break and go walk outside or something...
I've been working at this darn laptop all day and I need some spring air darn it. It's my birthday for heavens sakes.

Oh yes. And I came up with yet another original series idea on Monday morning, so I've been working myself crazy with that one since then. It's quite fun.

First and foremost, though, I need to catch up on my Dream World work... today is their 10th Anniversary, after all! Congratulations, guys!
Only problem is all the characters are so freaking hard to draw... *points* especially YOU, Vezerai!

Plus I'm drawing up a reference page of myself, honestly, for you guys that need one (mainly Jester right now). I do think I am the most difficult drawing subject I know of. I kid you not. This is ridiculous.

Lastly I have some very big and awesome news for you kids!
You know that song I've been listening to recently?

Keep checking nightsintodreams.com for updates. You'll see what I mean.

On a similar note, my website button has also changed! Or at least it should have. XD Go look!

Regardless, with that note, I am off to my business and birthday. I still can't get over that... eighteen! Good heavens!

Oh yes, and Qlok?
If I die from joy overload tonight it is YOUR fault. XD You know why. Thank you so fishing much. For all three of 'em.
And Monday night. And way too many other things. You know what I mean, hon.

Well, see you guys soon! ^^

-spinningcannon❤★

The Banner That Started It All

------------------------------------------------------------------------

KNOW THYSELF!

Look up, when things are feeling down
Look up, and the world will turn around...

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Okay, kids, here are a few souls that you'll meet in this journal... besides me, of course.
I'll post random intros as new guys show up, if they do. Look forward!

Name: Selph
Species: Nightmaren
Age: Unknown (He's been with me 3 years)
Role: Muse/ Living conscience/ Love
In Journals: Keeps me from losing too much control; has a lot of insight and ideas; always gets the truth of a situation out

Name: Chaos Zero
Species: Unknown
Age: Unknown (He's been with me 5 years)
Role: Love/ Guardian
In Journals: Refuses to let me put myself down; loses control in stressful situations; keeps my headvoices in check

Name: Julie
Species: Headvoice
Age: None (Known her since early childhood)
Role: Id (Shadow)/ Personification of vice
In Journals: N/A; Hasn't spoken online, and I don't want her to.

Name: Laurie
Species: Headvoice
Age: None (Known her for about 2 years)
Role: "Psycho superego"/ Personification of self-hatred
In Journals: Argues and insults me until I confront her; fights with all other headvoices; gives me terribly good advice

That's all for now, but you may have seen these three in my Xanga...

Name: Lynne
Species: Headvoice (re-absorbed)
Age: None (Knew her for a few months)
Role: Superego?/ Personification of self-worth
In Journals: Very supportive of me; stands up for me when I won't

Name: Jessica
Species: Headvoice (re-absorbed, possibly re-forming)
Age: None (Knew her since early childhood; only personified her this past year)
Role: Corrupted ego/ Personification of failure
In Journals: Constantly brings up the downside of things

Name: Natalie
Species: Headvoice (re-absorbed)
Age: None (Knew her for about a year)
Role: Reflection/ Personification of optimism
In Journals: N/A; Natalie is voiceless

Hope to see you soon...

-spinny c.

Be brave.

Life is a battlefield and as a warrior...Fight it.

*Hugs you*

- from my sis.

There's hope at the very end...

...

Life's getting scary.

I stopped by again today for three reasons, and they are as follows...

1) My latest journal focused mainly on the ton of homework I had and the serious lack of sleep I've been experiencing recently. You all showed me sympathy and caring, and I appreciate that immensely, but I fear the real depth of my situation was lost somewhat.

My problem isn't homework.
My problem isn't sleep.

I'm too worried and too scared to even think about those things anymore.

My real problems... I'm afraid to tell you guys.

No, they're not in that LJ I linked for you all, although it comes close. The vast bulk of my problems are outlined there, along with many apologies, but I didn't mention my real troubles for fear of getting you all as worried and scared as I am now.

Don't worry, though, I'm not suicidal, heavens no... I don't have the guts to consider that, for one thing. I also have way too much to live for, and my life mission's finally going to start running full force starting this May.

It's so, so far away right now...

But I'll get there. I know I'm going to make it.

It's just going to be very, very hard.

2) On the above note, under "too much to live for"... I have you guys.
And many, many others.
Explanation #1. That would be the people here on DA.

I was severely shocked when I realized how many of you were concerned about me and my condition. So many! I never would've guessed that I had all you people thinking about me, never... and I'll admit that's selfish of me.
I've been told by you all that you care, many times in the past, way before I started telling you about all this. (That's later on, keep reading). So... thank you. Thank you all.
Every one of you who has been thinking of me recently, or is thinking of me now, or will be thinking of me in the future, I cannot thank you enough.
I have all your thoughts, prayers, hopes, dreams and wishes helping to pull me through right now, and you can't imagine how much that is helping me at the moment. Seriously.

Thank you all so much.

And now I have two absolutely huge thank-yous to give.

The first one goes out to Jimmy.

Oh my gosh... darling, what you said to me back in my last journal literally moved me to tears. Several times.
I honestly have it printed out and sitting on my sketchbook right now, to keep me on the right track at this point in my life.
I... there's no possible way I can express in words what I truly feel about that reply... I wish there was, but there isn't.
All I can say is I'll be directly replying to that as soon as I can, because I have a lot to say on those points, points that I can express in words.
And while I'm here...
Yeah, I really do care for you a lot more than that, and to heck with the circumstances on either side.
Mark my words, when I nab myself a passport, I'm thanking you in person.
I need to. It's the very least I can do for you...
Jim, you're a huge inspiration to me, a better friend than I could ever deserve, and a literal lifeline for me in these dark times.
Don't you ever think you should be blamed for what I'm going through, because it's not your fault. It never was and never will be.
Thank you again, love.

Second thank-you goes out to you, Q-Lok.

I will have you know I was more worried about how this would all affect you than I was worried about myself.

I was worried sick over you all week, what with our relationship and all. No coincidences, and it proved true again. That hurt.
I don't want to see you feeling so down and out because of me. I know how it feels, and I don't want anyone else suffering through that, especially not you.
So here I am, hoping everything's okay for you...
...And then I stop by DA last night and I see your journal.

I do not deserve all this.

Darling, I was crying. You care so fishing much about me I don't even know how to react.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again--
I have never had people care about me like you do.
Sure, I have my family, and I love them very much, but you know how much stress we have... and I'm keeping everything else quiet, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows, for sure, and it never was.
I've never had any friends. No true friends, no. No friends that I can rely on, look up to, believe in, confide in, literally trust with my fishing life, no...
But now I do.
And you're one of them.
You mean so much to me, Q... you always have, but now it's insane. I cannot possibly express how much so, and that eats at me. I need to tell you people these things, but it's impossible...

An art rally. For me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much... it may seem like a small thing for you, may seem like the absolute minimum for you, may seem like the very smallest and most insignificant thing you could think of but you had to dosomething... but it's not.
Not to me.
Not to me, not right now, not with what I'm going through, not with the motives that I know are behind it.

I... I don't know what else to say. I'm touched, I really am.
Ditto what I said to Jim, hon... if I could get out there to Utah right now, if there was any possible way, I'd be there.
Thank you again, my Animus... and I'm honored beyond words that I can sincerely call you that.
You can't imagine how much all this means in my life right now.

I love you two so much.
Thank you for everything you've done for me, thank you for all you're doing right here and now, thank you for everything I know you're going to inspire me with in the future.
It's because of you both that I'm still smiling.

And on that note...

Q-Lok, my dear, I can't stop thinking about what you said to me on Skype the other week...
You know, how the only things keeping me sane are those things that are considered insane?
That's running full force right now, honey. Full force.

Explanation #2 time.

I was a very strange kid.
My imaginary friends were a bat, a dolphin, a unicorn, a cobra, a frilled lizard, and a bright orange alien... and it only got worse as time went on.
I'm now 17 years and 8 months old and have hundreds of monsters upstairs.

Where am I going with this, you ask?
Well...

If it weren't for those monsters I'd be dead by now.

I say that with the utmost certainty.

You'll get a chance to meet the guys who saved my life within the next five months, don't you worry... but as I was saying, if I had never met them, I would be a totally different person right now in ways I can't even begin to explain or even fathom.
So I'm not even going to try. To do so would be insane.

Instead, I'll thank them all to pieces later and instead focus on the main three reasons why I was actually laughinglast night.

I'm in a very, very deep and dark place right now. I know there's a way out, I can see it... but it's so far away it feels as if I'll be stuck here forever sometimes. Plus I have no idea how to get there at the moment.
But I know I'll get there.

My faith is keeping me alive. My family is doing its best to support me. All you guys on DA are pulling me through better than I could have ever hoped. Every monster I know is doing the same.

And then there are three certain creatures that are the only reason I haven't lost my mind within the past week.

Yes, honestly. With the horrible amount of times I've hit emotional rock bottom in my life, not to mention the amount of times I've been hitting it recently, I need to give those three some serious recognition.
They keep me smiling, they keep me focused, and they keep me walking in the right direction, especially when I'm too scared and too broken to do so myself.

Basically... at the moment, I practically owe my life to an ancient blue alien, a jewel-eyed lunatic, and a crazy little green guy.

You three know who you are, and yes, you do mean that much to me at the moment.

#1 up there, I love you dearly, and promise I'm going to try harder to pull through this. You turned my whole life perspective around with what you said yesterday, and I thank you for that... heck, thank you for the past four years! You know what our relationship is and you know why that is... and it's really changed who I am. I daresay you can say the same.
I don't know where I'd be without you today, I really don't. And please, hon, don't you worry yourself into depression because I'm in one. I need you there to help me, all right? Promise me you'll be careful.
And in return, I promise you I won't try so hard and harshly to be perfect. We both know it's not as idealistic as it seems.
Thank you again, love, for keeping my life in order.

#2 up there, my little darling. Love you too! Don't you giggle at me, silly, we're in this together and you know it. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean for it to, but we've got a connection on an insane level and I know you're feeling the same darn things I am.
I'm so, so sorry for how I've been acting recently... you know what I mean. I don't mean to scare you, I don't even mean to do those things in the first place. It's very hard for me to get life straight right now, but I'm telling you, with you by my side I know I'll get through it.
As long as your answer remains ''always" I know I'll be all right. Thank you.

#3 up there, you maniac. Yes, I'm talking to you! I only met you in person a few days ago, sure, but the effort you've put into cheering me up means a ton. You keep me laughing, keep me smiling, and I thank you for that.
It's kind of funny how you, of all people, are an absolute Godsend to me right now. Heaven only knows the amount of times I'd have crashed to the ground in the past week if I didn't have you around. So thanks, hon. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you in return... as long as it's reasonable, you little spazhead!

So, once again, thank you to all you wonderful people on DA and otherwise. What you're doing for me is amazing beyond comprehension and I know I can get through this frightening time as a result.
Thank you.

...And now for the finale.

3) You probably noticed much, much earlier that I said "before I started telling you about all this"...

Yes. This has been going on for a while.

It's hit fever pitch twice before that I can remember telling you about... here ([link]) and on December 16th. Two of you should remember that last one, and a good deal of you should remember the former.

But... yes, this has been going on for longer than you know.

I've just gotten very good at hiding it.
Sorrow behind a smile, you know.

That and there's my whistling condition.

Now, what the heck is she talking about now, you ask?
Well.
Last night I was talking to my reflection again (I do that a lot-- it's my method of self-realization), and I realized something very odd.

I was laughing at myself for laughing, actually... "here you are, scared out of your fishing mind about the future and you don't even know if you'll make it emotionally intact through the rest of the night, and you're laughing your head off! Are you insane??"

No, I'm not totally insane, thank God (at least I hope not), and one of the major reasons so happens to be why I was laughing in the first place.

I'm whistling through the graveyard.

But I've been whistling so long I've forgotten how to stop.

That's why I smile and laugh and live and love even when I'm a total mess upstairs and inside.
I've learned how to whistle, and I've learned how to forget.
But not always.

I'm a loose cannon emotionally, and often I'll explode back on myself. That's what happens when I come running to you guys and then my secret's out.

Otherwise, I stay quiet, I keep smiling, and meanwhile the sky's falling down on my head.

...Yeah. Life is weird.
Life is scary.
Life is hard.
Life is long.

But there's always a reason or two... often more... why you should keep going.
Why you should keep smiling.

Because... no matter how treacherous the road ahead may look, it's only a road... and life is full of them.

We walk many, many roads during our lifetimes... no matter who we are, where we live, what we do... we're all walking down the same roads at one point or another.

We all have hard times.
We all have happy times.
We all have times where we just want to cry.
We all have times when we're crying with joy.

We all have dark, long, and frightening roads...

...And we all have roads of hope to travel.

It's just that we need help finding them, sometimes.

Thank you all for helping me find mine.

...Hello there.

Originally I was going to stay offline until after the 18th, but...

...

Life has been one big mess for me recently.

I'm sorry, Q... it's not a vacation.
I'm too busy for vacations anyway.

I'm sorry, Jim... it's not the art.
If I had the motivation maybe it would be.

My network is fine.
My computer is fine.

Life is not fine.

Is it ever for me?

...

My parents are currently in divorce court.

There's a ton of yelling and stress going around the house as a result.

Even though my dad hasn't been allowed in the house since before Thanksgiving.

Midterms start Monday.

I'm struggling to find the time to study.

Not to mention the peace of mind.

I'm seeing a therapist again.

She says I have even more problems than my brother.

That's a lot.

And I've been seeing therapists since I was a little kid...

Selph is very worried about me.

Jim is awfully concerned about me as well.

Chaos was practically crying his heart out the other night.

Q is worrying himself sick over me and I'm heartbroken as a result.

I feel like an empty failure.

I'm scared of the future.

I feel like I'll never do anything right in life.

I'm so lonely.

But then again

I've always been lonely...

I want to go back to deviantART beforetime and tell everyone that I'm fine... tell them not to worry, I haven't forgotten about them, nothing's wrong.

But that would be a flat-out lie.

I'm not fine.

They're all worrying.

I'm forgetting everything nowadays.

So fishing much is wrong.

Monday was the worst.

Mondays are usually my favorite day of the week.

Monday I was so down I could barely function.

Monday I couldn't work up the motivation to talk to Q.

Monday I broke my own heart when I realized he had been waiting for me all night.

Monday I was worried sick over my mother.

Monday I stayed up too late trying and failing to get things done.

Monday I had to watch my love cry because of me.

Monday I scared Selph to death.

Monday I felt like a total failure.

Monday I felt like a heartless jerk.

Monday I felt like a selfish idiot.

Monday I came frighteningly close to hitting rock bottom.

Tuesday I tried to get up.

Tuesday I promised Selph I'd try harder.

Tuesday I apologized to Chaos for everything.

Tuesday I made an effort to talk to KoH for a while.

Tuesday I spent a long time actually coloring something right.

Tuesday I actually got a compliment.

Tuesday my father stopped by to say he missed me.

Tuesday I laughed over Invader Zim at 6AM.

Tuesday I took the time to look back at my childhood.

Tuesday I worried about Q and Jim all day.

I miss you two so much.

Heck, I miss everybody on DA...

Geez, I don't even remember half your names...

...But I still miss every one of you.

Jim...

I'm sorry.

I know I promised I'd comment
And post my giftart
And record that song
And work on Otherside
And send you my Sonic character refs
And many other things
But I'm so fishing stressed out
I can't even focus on simple everyday things.
I hope you understand
But I'm still sorry.
I'm sorry I'm making you worry.
I'm sorry I'm making you wait.
I'm sorry for all the things I'm probably doing to you
And don't even realize.
I do care about you.
I do think about you
More than you realize, maybe
And it means a heck of a lot to me
To know that you call me a friend.
More than I can ever say.
So...
Thank you.

Q-Lok.

I'm so sorry.

You can't imagine
How heartbroken I was Monday night
And even more so
When I realized I had missed you.
And not just in that respect.
You're one of the very few people
That I can actually talk to
Not to mention empathize
And muse.
I know I've told you you're an inspiration
And I'm sure I've said many other things
That I can't recall at the moment
But I'm sure you know.
Even so
You look up to me.
I don't know how.
I don't know why.
Maybe It's simply because
I hold such a low opinion of myself
Most of the time
That I can't imagine anyone admiring me.
Which is very selfish
Considering what I've been told
And what I've felt
And not just from you
I may not think so
But I guess
Maybe
I am as good a person as I hope I am
Which is nice.
You sure make me think so.
Whether you like it or not
Even though I find it rather difficult
Nearly impossible
To not look up to you
I still consider you
One of the biggest inspirations I've had
In my entire life.
Which is really something.
But...
At the moment I'm afraid you're too worried about me
To do so.
And I'm sorry for that.
I know how concerned you are
That I'm not on DA
On Livejournal
On YouTube
On Skype
On the Internet in general.
Which is why I stopped by today.
I don't want you to worry
Especially not about me.
But maybe that's a selfish thing to say
I worry about you all the time after all
Why should I forbid you to do the same?
Like I said
It's probably because I'm not used to it
Don't think I'm worth it
Most of the time.
But that's beginning to change.
Now
More than ever
I'm beginning to see that I actually do mean something
That people care about me
And worry about me
And think about me
And really mean it.
I've never had any friends like you.
So this is different
And sudden
And amazing.
Thank you.

So that's it.

My rather long and quite depressing explanation as to why I'm gone so long.

Almost a week now...

Three and a half hours and it will be.

Funny how the time flies

And how the time hurts

Isn't it?

I love you guys and promise you I'll be back as soon as I can

Which will be soon, I hope

Very soon

But I can't say for sure.

Life is still insane.

I'm still under a ton of stress

And deadlines

And studying

And responsibility

And worry.

But I'm still smiling

the best I can

and that's what matters.

Profile

prismaticbleed

tumblr

June 2025

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30

Syndicate

Style Credit

Style: Neutral Good for Practicality by timeasmymeasure

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated Jul. 4th, 2025 11:25 am

the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with outspacers

behind you

12:28 AM

hurm.

well, what are you waiting for?

red clocks

The Gang

unrequited

Now this is perfection.

I'm not dead.

eighteen already?

say hello!

Never Lose Hope

...